After you let your fingers do the walking! Yep, after you shop the Yellow Pages way, jou" sve sku Why? Bocause fingers just arent made forall that walking! Well show you what we mean: Lats say youte out of Epsom salts, Okay, youll shop by phone for some. Simply look up “Epsom Salts in the handy Yellow Pages. There it No, thay an “Epuom Salts Manufacturer” Now what? Try “Drug 37 should carry itl Let's see: “Drug Importers” “Drug. Manufacturers” "Drug Store Fi ee Ht “Draggets, tal "I'More_ walking! Okay ~"Pharmaciss ‘Pharmaceutical Machinery.” Research Laboratories "Pharmaceutical Mant ‘AKA At last! “Phammackts"! Hor you over se0 30 many “Pharmacist? Okay, at's find one nearby. Start walking down the lit. By mow, your poor sore Sagers are rally Ml ing you! See what we moan? You better let your fot do the walling next tne, They're mada fori StoreNUMBER 79 JUNE 1963 11's a good thing the Earth ned out to he round, because putting a satellite into «square orbit wouldve been costly Alfrod E. Neuman PUBLISHER: William M. Gaines EDITOR: Albert B. Feldstein ART DIRECTOR: John Putnam PRODUCTION: Leonard Brenner ASSOCIATE EDITORS: Jerry De Fuccio, Nick Meglin LAWSUITS: Maltin J. Scheiman PUBLICITY: Richard Bernstein ‘SUBSCRIPTIONS: Gloria Orlando, Celia Morelli, Nelson Tirado CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS: The Usual Gang of Idiots DEPARTMENTS ‘A WHITE HOUSE IS NOT A HOME DEPARTMENT. It They Held A Summit Meeting At The White House 4 BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT Tho Lighter Side Of Family Doctors. 36 BRATSMANSHIP DEPARTMENT How To Succead At Childhood. ..... 18 DEPARTMENT OF THE INFERIOR How To Turn Your Dumpy City Into A Tourist Trap 2 DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT The High Dive 18 The First Echo 32 The Inventor At The Novelty Company. 48 FREEDOM WITH SPEECH DEPARTMENT Speaking From Pictures 10 HALF.NIELSEN DEPARTMENT TV's Effect On Children (A Special MAD Report)... 12 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs Spy : z 2 LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail... ede 2 MARCH ALONG WITH MITCH DEPARTMENT MAD's Realistic, Up-To-Date Service Songs. 33 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn Out Dramas OFF THE BEATEN SOUND TRACK DEPARTMENT Movie Dialogue We'd Like To Hear. geste cny v6, 42 SINKING FUND DEPARTMENT Look Before You Leap. ..... eee ai 9 SLIPPED DISC DEPARTMENT The Rise And Fall Of A Recording Star. . erie AO ‘THE IDES OF TAXES ARE UPON US DEPARTMENT Tax Time, U.S.A. (A Government-Sponsored TV Show).......23 ‘THE PRICE IS A RIOT DEPARTMENT MAD's Discount Center Owner Of The Year... 43 **Various Places Around The Magazine infor snd Eitors mill not he tepoosbl fr undliied ‘Selo he up of erate ol MAB Rca nmicon ary Boca: Ae Sinner SUS pars toa ling poner Bw encrtce vemetin OS VITAL FEATURES IF THEY HELD A SUMMIT MEETING......4 If a summit meeting wore to be held at the White House, there would be a minor advantage, but many relative disadvantages. ‘W'S EFFECT ON CHILDREN. 2 a MAD took this. survey on the offect of TY on kids. v2 inconclusive, tffect of the sur vey on Kida was terrible! HOW TO SUCCEED AT CHILDHOOD. ...18 3 === A new “how-to” book that < Va a atietd ation by x u MAD experts — who are all Zin their second childhood, TAX TIME, USA... ee ese eee ‘One way to got the public to pay income taxes is to turn the job over to Madi- 08118 son Avo, ... which has sold =~ it every ther idiot idea, HOW TO TURN YOUR DUMPY CITY.....27 MAD shows how to tun a dumpy city into. a tourist trap, Now some dumpy city will surely show us how to ‘urn MAD into & magazine. UP-TO-DATE SERVICE SONGS..........33 |}| This article brings some BET Yh) rie voran opto ae fe tes BAIN bring MAD up on charges. eects a mS aon . foe __ Wee, Bettores youl foul kg ke ae WEAN and saying DISCOUNT CENTER OWNER OF YEAR. .43 bb | MAD can't vouch for the 33 \ sanity of Discount Store v7 umers but we can for BA ‘writer of this piece. He's more than 408% off!TO REALLY ENJOY THESE MAD ALBUMS THE PLAY’S THE THING! Unfortunately, most D.J.’s are too chicken to play ‘em! SO PLAY "EM YOURSELF — YOU'LL FLIP Now On Sale At All Record Counters OR YOURS BY MAIL —$4.00 Each! MAD RECORDS ‘850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N.Y. (FINK ALONG WITH MAD. 0 MAD “TWISTS” ROCK 'N' ROLL, Tenclose: 1D $4.00 for one NAME. ADDRESS. cry. STATE. 11 $8.00 for both ZONE__ PRICE SLASHED! Ye In he lest fon, ator mods, Ted ErNeumon. if you wat eam or ling rn MAD WRITER MAKES GOOD ‘Congratulations on your “Hollywood Surplus Sale” in issue #77, Mr. Wood: bridge's succinct vignetces were a5 easy on the eyes as were Mr. Doud's descriptives fon the fnnybone. And speaking of Me. Doud, I conclude that he is the same Earle Doud” who conceived the record- breaking album, “The First Family." If T GUILTY—NOT GUILTY Your magazine vs ene satire about the world. However, your article, "The De- fensers” went just a lite bit t00 far. "The Defenders” is one of the best, if not the very best program on the air today, and 1 ‘nnot see your poiat in ridiculing ie Tisabeth A’ Cramer Indianapolis, Ind. ally contains excel: wil oF the modera ‘Supetb satire, “The Defensers"! John Thorburn ‘A MATTER OF DEGREE ‘The work your magtaiae has done in the last ten years should have brought someone on your staf « Pb, D. in Sociol ‘ogy by now! fam comec, then MAD deserves cei for pitas See having ncogaitad and given moments See to Mr. Dou vast creativity with "C-Men In Agion” (MAD #72), published ‘months before the now celebrated advent of "The Fiest Family.” Well see for a High Schoo! diplomal—Ed. UPON REFLECTION Bryna Millman University of Buffalo think your "Letters Depactment” is Bufo, N.Y. the dambest thing I've ever read. Td like ‘Actuolly, Earle Doud's weting fist ap: eared in MAD #67 with “Advertsing Spoee on Road Signs”—4 My question it: I this the same Batle oud that co-produced ‘she hit album, “The First Family” and if ie the same ne, wha «ih dy lke i do ing’ weting for'a trashy magazine Uke MAD? ee Nathan Kare Camden, New Jersey He doen't ony moral He's no longer that desperatel—Ed PARITY PARODY Since the government is bolstering out economy with programs like the "Soil Bank" for farmers, why doesn't MAD try to bolster the literary standards of our country with a similar scheme for st thors? For a nominal fee, | would agree fot to write a short article for your mage azine. Fora slight increase in rte, I would be willing to forego writing several ar- tides. And for a very reasonable annual salary, Pm suse 1 could find hundreds of articles noe to write, and I would even «give up writing leers (0 you ‘Amelia Rubia Fresno, Califo {0 get a look at one of those idiow who ‘waite you. He must be a real cod! ‘Mark Allman Alexandria, Va, Got a minor handy?—Ed. LATE READER I wish T might have started reading MAD sooner... because then T could have quie reading MAD soonce, which I've juse done! Jirn Southers Vises, California EXECUTIVE SWEET (ther people who have writen to your magazine telling you how good (?) i is huave been just regular everyday laymen. Let me quote an excerpt from the San Diego Brening Tribune: "Jim Dempsey, the Astronauties Corp. president is an af: dent fan of MAD Magazine. He calle it ‘the only sane magzzine published in the United Sates. "Ifthe president of one of the biggest corporations in the country sas this about MAD, who knows, majbe the Presideat of ehe United State will say something next. Stephen Mulford San Diego, California Like “You're oll wader arco"? Ed, HAILED AS A GREAT WORK OF ART! ELATIVES OF ITS SCULPTOR, ART GRGPPSE. EVERYBODY ELSE THINKS I's aTROCIOUS! BE AN ART cRiTic! onpER youR BISQUE CHINA HEAD OF ee ALFRED E. NEUMAN Sea MAD BUST S088 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N.Y. NAME. 4 mast) OsNieos avpress. jek sitnish CITY. ZONE Fowtasat STATE (Wo ORDERS SHIPPED OUTSIDE THE USA)NO ADDRESS GIVEN, ‘This letter is being sent co see if our ost Offices are a "gone way cut” as your ‘magazine. Obviously, if you get this one, they are! Seriously, though, if you do get this letor with only 2 black-and-white picture of Alfe as the address, you might 4 4 AP a a a er \ Not only did wa get the Jette, but there ‘wasn't a merk of ony kind on it Looks Hike SANE MADNESS Soh you pric nruing our selves Inthe ground? For sb Yeu, frre, peniodicly ‘examined your tly dazing magazine and most sn hat iciva spark of mialty na world beset by iosaey. Yours cotuiiy a mow en jovable form of aire GD. Toronto, Canada FIT TOBE TIRED Why does everyone, including Presi dent Kennedy, make such a fuss over the lee "Playboy" know char this time there was no mistake, and that it travelled half vray around the world, Joha S. Heney Me Albert ‘Avdkland, New Zealand portal ystems all over the world have Finally gone "Mad"I=Ed, FINE COMMENT 1 ceally got a charge out of your Jssue. That is, after 1 tossed it into the street in disgust. A cop gave me a ticket for tering, and the charge was $5.0. Dave McCaslin ‘Meyronne, Sask, Can, ASSAULT IN OUR WOUNDS ‘While reading the latest issue of MAD, I was suddealy, fiercely and savagely at tacked and relieved of my copy of Your hilarioue magazine. After consulcing my lawyer, [have been advised tha, although LOOKING FOR A BARGAIN? YOU GET NINE ISSUES FOR THE PRICE OF EIGHT WHEN YOU... SUBSCRIBE TO MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N.Y. ‘Okay, 50 I'm looking for a bargain. So here's my $2.00. Please enter my name ‘on your subscription lst, and send me the next nine issues of MAD. Now that fell for this pitch, I'm looking for another bargain: A Psyc five me 9 visits for th Outase USA. $250 Disc fs of caday's youth? To my TeX ato Blame, ie would be eidiculus, | AME. Splnton, teal a bad, Vout iy cree ve wo excse sch shoe leer, bat Moc alba foling a pen for neatly minute very cnr. zone tiiog Pun odds ol corpondenee to: Dan Engelhardt "MAD, Dap 79, 850 Ted Avene STATE Brook, ¥ Now ork Chy 22, New Yok lose aed & ovat fo bvcpiona aba pea ACT NOW—ONLY ONE MORE LEFT! Yes, therall be ony one more ofthese 24s (ater this one) offering “A GOLDEN TRASHERY OF MAD” Time is running out on this opportunity to get your copy of MAD ANTHOLOGY ‘850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y. enclose $2.95. Please rush ‘THE GOLDEN TRASHERY OF MAD our de luxe hard-cover anthology of the best humor, parodies, | NAME. fad satices and just plain garbage from past issues of MAD. Mainly because it looks like nobody's running out trying tO buy them, So if you want this permanent collection of our | ADDRESS temporary insanity, this book is for you. Order your copy to- day. Remember...ne're only gonina give you one more chancel | CITY. 2ONE__ STATEA WHITE HOUSE IS NOT A HOME DEPT. No=not Not you, Lyndont Let one of the ‘servants go out and call him!You know why nothing ever gets accomplished at Summit Meetings? Because the atmosphere is too cold and im- personal, that’s why! Perhaps, if world leaders met in a more congenial setting, like the President's own home, the outcome of these meetings might be more optimistic. We mean a setting where there's family life, and warmth, and youth, and friends . . . and confusion! Come to think of it, with the Kennedy clan, and their relatives and friends, and the assortment of personalities around, things could get a whole lot worse . . . IF THEY HELDA SUMMIT MEETING AT a i Would the cab [J Maybe he take yent | | river take FJ Especially if he Yellow Cab driver! Doug! Good to see you! Does ||, everbooy: et [fr] Agsn# Okay! How much || everyone neve know Dougtss || Oh, Jack... ‘do you need? Aten? A 1 “Diton our Secretary ofthe || wonder you ‘went iat? Treeniiyeoopenicorot tre ff could hele me ‘rare onetory and fiscal |] ‘out! took 9 “Tiiciue ot te county? | ea here, and ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN, I think we can || Postmaster-General ‘surprises met | don't get stahted now. || Day called and said o it The Postmaster: ‘rewe allinee? || he can't make itt is my entire Cabinet present? Twonder what held him up this time?Well, we'l just have to start the meeting without him! I You wil al take seats... Nikita, you sit over here in “US.S.R." Harold, you sit there in “Great Britain” ‘Mao and Chiang, you're in —} Agreuiture Willard Wirt, nestto melt || Yousit ack || ‘hairdo? W's the need your advice || _ therewith || “Cleopatra” look! Frank, Peter, Joey. and the v Now, Dean, you 7 No-no! Not you, || Hi, everybody! Do sit over =| ean Martin!’ || “you like my new _]] rest of the Clant | 1 think ates. Kennedy has Yes, I's very ‘excellent taste! That hair. || becoming on them! Style is very popular in my || And let's hope it Dart of the world. see catches on mith people walking around || the WOMEN of ith the "Cleopatra" look. your county, alsol Al right! Enough footing, Great! And after you've finished around! Let's get down to talking about frving, Ic ike to business! Ithinkweshould |} _ saya few words about Cale Porter, spend some time discussing || Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Heusen! Berlin...! But we're in the middle || Dot's all of the Summit Conference, ‘Caroline! | don't know if t ‘Never mind with the jokes! We feel thatthe Berlin Wall nas become a touchy problem! You—you in the ‘sweatshirt! What would you like to do with the wal?orm Only one cheek! 'No, no! Net you, idiot! Let Caroline stand on the chair so she can reach you! “Une! ‘and your “Uncie”” J Lyndon, and your REAL Uncle, Uncle Bobby! That's it! Stand on a chair if you like! what story | did Adtai |p tellyou? |} “Should dig when we watched you | : I} Recogni ‘sit the U.N. Red Riding, Hood?” Too late, fellows! she's | gone upstaits! Sorry... ly iENow that my-arah—famiy matters ace out || This ooh ak The U.S. 8. wl wil | what dia t say never disarm as long as thare are Western that was 30 boa? {wouble makers like Kenedy. MacMillan, rt What did t say? De Gaulle and David Sussking! Let me warn What? Tell met The word i's powder Keg. reaty to explode |] you! ityou continue to push Us, we wil ‘st any moment itis nperatne thet we. |] not esitte to crop nuclear bombs of such finda way to pace anéisarmament! |} magnitude hat your entire country wi go wp ina inashes Excuse mel That's the house phone! I'l take it ee : Alright, now, But this fs an emergency! | | oe te let's get back to— The nurse is off tonigh Helio? Oh, hello, Mom! Finz—and you? What noise? | Lookwhat lstarteat || '—r—prcy ——"__| andthe baby has to» ih, that was Bobby, cry io, Mom, honest! | really didn't mess Honey, | told you not Ye ft “diane hithim! Beveve me 'cdn'tiny stinger, ff Y0-cause any family Honey tld you rot (ou pronisea ‘on him! What? Well, it's a long story! Khrushchev difficulty! . was an emergency. herrea eens I Sater take over! i'm sure | _dringon your funny | lke @ punch he's much funnier | partner—Jerry:What’s | in the mouth! HieName—derry Lewis! raytake awe. [LT Tmeant Dean Rusk Now here's a little number | roti tas ve Eruh This Not you, | Oh, ie Mr Martin | Yes. Mr- Martin! And | How would you sane at the Inaugural Ball back ia—oh, 1 think it was 1961. | remember the Ball but lcan't remember who was being inaugurated. | wae: swimming in the punch Bowl atthe timeFREEDOM WITH SPEECH DEPT. SPEAKING FROMPICTURESHALF-NEILSEN DEPT. ‘There's been a lot of loose talk about the effects of TV on our children. What is the real truth? MAD was determined to find out for itself. We spent the better part of an hour taking a survey, and we've come up with some surprising results. Mainly, TV does have an effect on children, Some shows have a good effect, and some have a bad effect. Here then is TV'S EFFECT THE SHOW: “Seener* THE EFFECT: once saw Allright, panel—Mr. Megila's | When | was at Daddy's, Allright, Herbie's secret BiliCullen ff secret invowves sometting that ‘office, | saw his new Is about a member of this when he wasn't ff someone saw—altnougi | doubt it secretary—and Daddy [Ila family and wt involves some Taughinet! ‘ald she makes you thing that's gonna get him Took like a boy! a Smack right in the kissert MAD RATING: coop () BAD i MAD RECOMMENDS: 1s rogr an shite hepr a secret prom hi THE EFFECT: Ea _ Mr Senator. | That al depends on what you Johnny, ci Jf That all depends on what you mean by Romework, wi yeu tell || consiger tne Cuban problem i you do your Il "ci sonre work at home involving arthmetie Us row you || you mean the Cuban people, we arithmetic [B But you mean ihe arithmetic hmewort that standon the |] have no argument with them. If homework? J you assigned, that all depends on what you Cuban problem? || you moan the Cuban government, ‘mean by assigned that all depends on what you mean by the Cuban government = a MAD RATING: coop 1) BAD §A SPECIAL MAD REPORT ON CHILDREN THE EFFECT: “MRS KENNEDY'S TOUR THE SHOW: or'raemurre novse” Bara this othe room where my father, Me Irving ia pete Paths othe com were Present and Ws. f Lincoln sept. Notice tne handsome four poster ama ong, takes a bath once a week whet ed, ad the lovely lace curtaine ‘one or not. Notice the flowered shower eurtsin | 4 ae Y iy \\ 3 MAD RATING: coop [) BAD MAD RECOMMENDS: Fitier tock ihe TP “QUEEN FOR THE SHOW: “pay And when my Bl Ha-ha-ha, every cloud has a siNver husband left me woman! with 8 children, ‘Thad to trudge York. And, you will be a guest at ' dinner given in your honor at . the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen! into you alive! And you wil get a new auto ‘And you will receive a year's insurance policy at greatly mereased rates! supply of shave lotion! And— id you will stand on line for 3 hours at . inemployment insurance office! And . Me jrograine tke ito spent MAD RECOMMENDS:THE EFFECT: F ie believing Uhat doctor MAD RATING: 0000 ff BAD LI theyre shown that doctors are a surly, MAD RECOMMENDS: or lke this onet THE EFFECT: b-footed friend: mmebody's Mo-thef! MAD RATING: coop [) BaD Ww MAD RECOMMENDS: “THE THE SHOW: uvrovcnaszesDON MARTIN DEPT. PART |OFF THE BEATEN SOUND TRACK DEPT. PART I ee DIALOGUE A ees OF “REVERSE CLICHES” DESIGNED TO a 008 ee a genome WS 2 AW ST eeWED LIKE TO HEAR INJECT NEW LIFE INTO OLD “SURE-FIRE DIALOGUE”BRATMANSHIP DEPT. Today, we live in a “Success-Motivated” society. Every adult wants to succeed. Which may account forthe vast ‘umber of books designed to show us how. Whether we want to succeed at “Business” or “Golf” or “Washing 2 Volkswagen” or any other adult endeavor you can think of, there's a book on it. But what about children? Children want to succeed, too. Why are there no books showing children how to succeed at the important thing they have to do—namely, to be children. Since we at MAD are still children at heart, we alone recognize this need for a success manual for children ... like: Chapter 1 When you're alone with your Mommy, rely on. HOW TO SUCCEED AT MOMMY time-tested phrases like “A woman's work is never done” and “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” If these don’t work, tell her Daddy doesn’t appreciate her. Cry This will get you anything you want Aiter you learn to talk, try not to. Crying ‘works much hetter. If you must talk, say only big words—like “stethoscope” and Kennedy.” Especially bid 4 if there's company in the house, and Putts you want a cookie,Chapter 2 HOW TO SUCCEED AT DADDY* Cry. This will get you anything you want. Provided you don’t ery in front of other Daddies. If other Daddies are present, act brave. Clench your fists and scrunch your face into an expression of monumental suffering. ‘Then whisper in your Daddy’s ear that you are going to cry any minute. NOTE TO GIRLS: YOU MAY SKIP THIS CHAPTER. IF YOU ARE IR GIRL, THATS NLL-YOU NEED To SUCCEED AT OADDY. After you lear to talk, don’t. Be the strong silent type. Daddies are impressed by this, and will give you a nickel Of course, if you want to go to the trouble, ‘you can become a Champion Little Leaguer. In which case, you won't have to do anything else ever. Chapter 3 HOW TO SUCCEED AT AUNTIE ‘Tell her she is too young and pretty tobe your Aunt. ‘Tell her you dreamed she was your Mommy, and you both put on “Mother-and-Daughter” clothes... And nobody could tell which was the Mother, and which was the Daughter. ‘Tell her you intend to have the same dream every night from now on. ‘Then ask her to do you a favor. Ask her to confess that it, was she who broke that priceless Ming vase. Chapter 4 HOW TO SUCCEED AT GRANDMA Weara dress, ‘This is even more important if you are a boy. Ifyou are having dinner at Grandma’s house, and you get the wishbone, and you wish fora bike ‘Tell her you wanted a bike real bad, but you wished for “No more wars” instead. ‘You will get the bike.Chapter 5 me Chapter 6 HOW TO SUCCEED AT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, HOW TO SUCCEED AT GETTING DIRTY Getting dirty is more than a privilege of childhood, it isa sacred responsibility. However, partial success is about all you can hope for here. Itis inevitable that the forces of evil will try to come between you and your duty— eS and make you take a bath. ‘Tell the teacher you love her. Butiif you are at all serious about succeeding Ifshe is single, ask her to marry you. at childhood—no matter how many times they If she is married, ask her to please get scrub you down—you will rise up and get: a divorce and marry you. dirty again. After school, tell the other kids you hate Remember, dirt is what really separates the her. boys from the men. Chapter 7 Chapter 8 HOW TO SUCCEED AT ALLOWANCE HOW TO SUCCEED AT TELEVISION If you are to get in as much TV-viewing time $50.00 a week. ‘as possible, you must he prepared to do ‘This may shame them into raising yours to battle with your enemies. Your worst 15¢ a week. enemies are as follows: Your Parents, If they want to check with Joey first, tell ‘When they attack with: “No'TV! The shows are them he flew to Florida for lunch. so rotten, they'll stunt your intellectual If they say they don’t mind waiting till growth—and if you don't get enough sleep, after lunch, get Joey to back up they'll stunt your physical growth! your story. ‘You must counter-attack with a blockbuster He will. He’s your best friend, isn’t he? like: “The teacher gave us an assignment Andif your parents try to borrow money to report on the incidence of violence from him, that’s his problem. on TY over a 5-year period!’JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. Antonio Prohias, who was forced to flee Cuba because he refused to become a “Castro Convertible”, brings us three MAD installments of that friendly rivalry between the man in black and the man in white—better known as... aTHE IDES OF TAXES ARE UPON US DEPT. Every year about this time, the U.S. Government tries to make paying “Income Taxes” a little more bearable. The Department of Internal Revenue prints millions of forms and booklets that tell us how easy it is to fulfill our tax obligations. Well, we at MAD can see where it won't be long before the U. S. government turns the whole problem of “selling” the nation on “Income Tax” over to guys who can really do the job . .. the guys on Madison Avenue! Then, once a year, we'll all turn on our television sets for that great Government-sponsored spectacular Uivel From Washington, 0G. the Cantal ‘nd nom, late eet api of our nation. the United the Start our show. states Government and The Department of | an | that Bese bracketan Infernal Reveruejoin hands." the same |= | 15 Tex Time US.At | [7 Andon those pages) | Nimes» laughing Thands they ip nyour pockets to da foeroc to pay! List you weaes | SERRY CLARK paces Satevacaes eS 1 And don't be naughty 1—Then pay, and pay. and pay! spectacular—TAX TIME, USA mabe ne pay, and pay. 4S orthetong ios g]:[> yoortss-ay ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO re, all you fellow tax-payerst W ‘No—really—all kideing aside, | and But seriously, fos! Is really | (But let's not tak about “average lwonderful to be here! Wonderful || me"! Let's talk about the. Sam, that is—because ‘Stars of our show... ast am to be here! Ie like to tll you— ‘tocollect the taxes on [Department of Internal Revenue lout! can't! keep thinking about that li ‘ives you a preview look at 182% bracket! What am I laughing at "THE NEW 1963 INCOME TAX FORMS!‘Ang nere itis, Tax Payers! The ‘new 1963 Long Form! It's longer than last yo It's wider than last year's! Tne questions are in ‘smaller type than last year'st And forthe frst. J} time ever. . "your new 1040 Long Form now comes |= | | ineleven “House & Garden” Decorator Colors . # Is0"t that great, folks? those wonderful forms and colors! "just don't know whieh decorator shade | like best! If can't decide on one, may just pay ‘my taxes four or five timest! iChuckle-chuck ‘And now... let's take a look at the all-new 1963) Short Form. g3:0 This is ¢0 exciting There itis, folks! The Short Form has been simplified for those who hate to work with figurest All you do is il n your name and ‘address here... write down all the money you made in 1962 here... and send it in! The Government spends what it needs, ‘nd refunds every unused penny! (Chuckle-chuckl ‘And the Government hast] [Who knows? Maybe you've made] forgotten you kids, either’ | | enough money to be taxable, Have you been earning nickels |_| just like Daddy's income! {and dimes for going to the You be sure to get a copy of the exciting "Children’s Coloring Tax Form store .. oF baby sitting ‘or washing Daddy's car? just nth rayon to draw a mcture of alle ditterent coins and bls you | have in your pigey bank. Mai | "tin, and wel ea Rup | toryou and tn you whether | ‘och youre sete tobe an official “Junior Tax Payer" {nd in addition to those wonderful new tax forms, folks— the Government is introducing even more exciting things to help ‘make paying income tax the "fun" it should be! For example, {you can now duy a copy ofthis fabulous new LP record “Fill In Along With Jack". Yes, for only one dollar, you and your family can fill your tax forms—tine by line~along with President Kennedy... just as he didit “live” at the White House last week! there's @ ‘what you earned, and a space to list you but there's NO space for your name and addres space for you to put ‘nd hete’s @ special form forall you Racketeers! See deductions businesses who are conscious-sricken because you want to taxes. When your illegal business's finally dicovered, you'll st be arrested but “Tax-Evasion’” won't be one of the charges!Barbara, Ive read in the papers that Toelieve| Barbara, = wonderful to have you here ‘erty on "Tax Time Wall lets move right along as we meet tonight's Celebrity Guest Star! She's known the length and breadth of our great nation --. the talented, Charming, wonderful star of motion pictures. BARBARA BELL. | Welt, since this is a | show about Income Taxes, Barbara ... could we be 50 bold as to ask you ‘bout your perscnal income and the taxes before taxes and $181,000 atter Well—er—thanks for taking the time to —uh—chat with Us! And goad luck on your ‘new movie, "The America t Love” which you're filming in Africa Ws been my patriotic pleasure, Jerry! And please sond my check— without deductions~ 10 my Madrid address! a ‘Sure, Barbar and—er—maybe I'l arrange to have some tax men deliver Rand ask you 2 feve have only one Ts wonderful tobe here, the same before and after taxes? How eould last year: Intertud ‘shot in Europe! You've heard about that litte gimmick for avoiding you held the Box Otfice Record tor | | that's 1962 ... grossing more money than ba} true, any other star. Jerry! pictures | did so marvelously New York Story", ‘Las Vegas and "Hollywood Expose’”—were all ‘And now, a word from our sponsor— questions! Hahah! say-""No hablo Ingles = Hil This s Ed Reimera, speaking for te U'S. Government! Right now, I've got news about an exciting new Tax Time game! I's called “Federal Fink!” And here's how i's played You viewers send us postcards with names and addresses of neighbors friendsrelativesenemies—people|] Each week, we'll pick fity cards, ‘and—with the help of the F-B.L— check into the tax returns of the whose name you sent DOES owe us fl back taxes, the Government will split the “take” with you... 50+ folks you suggested. If the person | So send in the posteards right away, folks! Be the first on your Block to | |hear your neighbors and friends being} ‘ragged away in the middle of the hight! Fun. Fun. Fun!!! [And now, “TAX TIME, U.S.A “"The Voice In The Street"! Recent, we took our mobile camera unit into the street, and recorded various people's reactions to income tax! an we roll that film now, please— Tthink the government should give trading stamps for taxes paid! You can't fool me, Mr. Funt! | know that’s a microphone... and there's the camera! = r Sa“ Tncomve taxis al right My husband has a good| Job and we've got two kids for deductions sowe manage... Tihink all ncome tax payers should organize and become part of the think lost gol balls should be tax-deducti Tneome Taxti | thought {you were from Imperial Margarine «.!1 “Teamster’s Union S Well, that's it, Tax:Payers! Till next year, when you'll have @ preview look at the 1964 tax forms, this is laugh ing Jerry Clark—and the whole wonderful at the lovely B3rd Street Post Office— tax-deductible cast, who were flown Dere bby U.S. Mail Planes and allowed to stay y head held hight Toan-JB] a’n honest form won't bring the 7. You...can There are lots of items that you * De-duct those doctor bills: */9] z°—can subtract i ‘And the cost of all those pills: [j3| *1f you can just substantiate # ‘And your auto license f the fact! So fill in all those forms with, ula IT'S TAX 7 TIME, U.S.A.! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO PAY! AND PAY. 4, ‘AND PAY and pay and payDEPT. OF THE INFERIOR |s your city taking advantage of the tourist boom? “What”, you may answer, “would anyone want to see my rat-trap city?” First, stop answering a question with a question. And second, there are plenty of tourist attractions—even in your rat-trap city! To demonstrate this, MAD chose a typical American metropolis — Gournish, llinois — and sent a team of investigators there to conduct a survey. They discovered the conditions that made Gournish, llinois, a hole... and with a little creative lying, turned these problems into typical tourist attractions. Now, by using Gournish’s problems, solutions, and resulting Tourist Guide Book as an example, you MAD readers can learn... HOW TO TURN YOUR DUMPY CITY INTO AN ATTRACTIVE sade oa ai % &T THE PROBLEM DESTRUCTIVE ANNUAL FLOODS ‘A SHABBY, PROBLEM ISGUSTING SKID ROW was plagued with a ‘problem solvable? We sent our Every Spring, the Schpritz jating team to live among the derelicts. floods downtown Gournish. The city has been called “One After a week, we asked our investigators, “Can something of the worst disaster areas in the nation!” And that's by be done about this problem?" Each one answered, “Yesh!” folks who don't even know about these awful annual floods. THE SOLUTION THE SOLUTION $19 worth of Serapes; 250 Candles 6 used Gondolas, 6 Venetian Costumes, 4 old Barber Poles, nel. Total Cost: $122. 4000 Pigeons, 500 rolls of Crepe Paper. Total Cost: $361, oer a A TOUCH OF OLD ITALY IN THE NEW WORLD $26 worth of Sombrer @ 8¢ each; a pre-fab VISIT OUR QUAINT “MEXICAN QUARTER” you will ask ican Quarter. Here, ig of Old Is this Illinois, or is this Guadal when you visit Gournish’s quaint M time slips gracefully by in the romantic set Mexico. Here, people forget their troubles and live in a world all their own. So, wateh out! You may want to stay! romance . .. all the glamour and beauty of fabled Venice is yours in Goumish’s picturesque Italian Quarter where placid canals flow past stately warehouse buildings. =8 old school buildings. Unfortunately, it couldn't get allocation for rebuilding any new schools as replacem THE SOLUTION I Metal Plaque, 1 Uniformed Guard. Total Cost: $78 per wh. wr SEE THE ONLY 1810 SCHOOLHOUSE STILL STANDING IN AMERICA Out of respect for historic landmarks, Gournish has not changed one board or disturbed one pane of glass of this {quaint old schoolhouse. This is not a reconstruction, but the actual school Gournish children attended in 1810. A AES OSS THIS SCHOOL WAS' BUILT OVER the Gournish Board of THE PROBLEM EVICTIONS OF UNEMPLOYED WORKERS The former employees of Gour have experienced difficult ding new jobs in the same industry. However, the far-seeing President of the Gournish Chamber of Commerce took action, and persuaded the Ford Motor Co. to open a plant here—an Edsel plant. THE SOLUTION Hold AU Evictions Once A Year In October. Total Cost: 0 VISIT OUR ANNUAL SIDEWALK ANTIQUE FAIR ANWUAL spews ~ ANTIQUE FAIR ro aETHE PROBLEM WATER POLLUTION OF BEACHES THE PROBLEM The Planning Commission made they erected the Gournish Pul Garbage Di 2 real traffic hazards. When our team of investigators asked Traffic Commissioner Claude Fistula if he were aware of the danger, he answered, “You don't have to tell mo—my fit for pigs!", Gournish’s Mayor replied, "Yes, they are!” auto body and fender shop works overtime 6 nights a week!” THE SOLUTION THE SOLUTION 500 Face Masks, 500 pairs of Flippers. Total Cost: $395. Erect Bleachers and Ticket Booth with sign: Cost: $376. CATCH YOUR OWN LUNCH AT FABULOUS BEACHES SEE THE GOURNISH DAREDEVILS IN ACTION ’ - if yo1 lore thil-packed scion, youl Sova Gotiaat'e | Toasee iver Pima args yon oy ua Hf NOW RUNNING dhl Soy eat et pile li Guch efx ia Gore HAM jg ccalhions,."T Were) deulanay Gere’ peformete, tee. 56 CHEESE : isles or oe Gchs, Sone ovis aie broad bem ea TOMATO e No words can describe the exciting Bay of Gournish, Here is a sportsman’s paradise. Learn the thrill of ca ‘your own food-it’s always more delicious that way. When you come to Gournish, pack a bathing suit and nose clips.THE PROBLEM JUVENILE DELINQUENCY AND MUGGINGS IN PARK Like many Am where bands of juvenile citizens. Albert Gass, Goi 's parks are jungles inquents beat and rob unwary ish’s Social Worker, is the ‘only one taking positive action, Unarmed, he roams the parks at night to find kids and talk to them. So far, he has talked to 227 kids, and has been mugged 227 times, THE SOLUTION Stage Coach & Team, 2 Western Costumes. Total Cost: $750. THE PROBLEM A “DO-NOTHING” CITY GOVERNMENT ar *| Every Presidential election year, the people of Gournish return their Councilmen to another 4-year vacation with is year, the Councilmen passed only one piece of islation — a bill to re-upholster their council seats. THE SOLUTION I5 feet of Veluet Rope, Ticket Booth. Total Cost: $17.50. SEE EXCITING, HISTORIC “FRONTIERLAND” Ride Through Gournish’s Own Death Valley with us to those exciting days of the early West when stage coaches raced across the badlands. If you look sharply, you may see a holdup, or e1 ngfight in pro- ress . |. put on by the Gournish “Open Air Players” for your amusement. Looks real real! (Small admission charge) VISIT GOURNISH’S WORLD-FAMOUS WAX MUSEUM ‘See Lifelilee Replicas of Prominent Gournish Citizens Gournish’s famous “Wax Museum”. If you study them close- ly you'll swear they seem to be breathing. They might even appear to blink when you photograph them with flashbulbs.THE FIRST EOHO:CEO ete tte te ie SRMARCH ALONG WITH MITCH DEPT. tk te Ae te ke te tr ae TODAY’S SERVICE SONGS ARE DATED AND UNREALISTIC FOR EXAMPLE, LET'S EXAMINE TWO OF THE MOST POPULAR ONES: ‘The Caissons Go Rolling Along Anchors Aweigh! igh, my boys! slogging along after . ‘his vong has hadi! |) ‘Thate almost as bad as “Hihitbee!” 7h OBVIOUSLY, IT’S TIME FOR A CHANGE, SO HERE WE GO WITH... MAD’S REALISTIC, UP-TO-DATE SERVICE SONGS PSEC CCST ESET CSCC SCT SOS SSCS SSS S FOO OOOO OOO OU OOOOEROK + * * * + * * * * * + * * * * * * * * * ae * + + + + + + + + * ee * * * + + + * * * * *Pe I THK I I II IA I IK I KK HAKATA TK I IKK IK With so many real soldiers playing extras in war movies, a song like this is appropriate ‘THE CAMERAS GO ROLLING ALONG Here isa truly realistic Marines! Hymn roblem more meaningful rocket mechanisms ‘THE MERCURY ASTRONAUT SONG (Fo te tne of The Ar Fore Song”) si ling ly FOR IK te nine 2 Dating hor eke would bey THE NAVY DATING SONG « ‘anchors Aweigh) il i eyesight’ blurred We date pigs by the herd-herd-herd-herd! From June to May Prac-tiely any creep Looks Like the gis} ‘Who married JFK! KKK KKK KKK KKK KK KK KKK KKK KKK KK a SOR OOO OOOO IE IE OE LE OO * + + * * * * * * * + % 4 a « + + * + + * * * ee * * + * * + * * ie % o * * \ * * * + * * * * *Fee He He II HHH HH HIKE KIKI IE III IIIA KKK I ‘One of the most common species of service doesn’t have his own song. This could be it: 5 * THE GOLD BRICK SONG ‘THE CAMPUS OCCUPATION SONG (Fo the tne of “When Johny Comes Marching Home") goes off to school once more, hurrah! im the ways of total war, ek ke Kak KK KK KKK And last but not least this song needs no introduction: ‘SONG OF THE RESERVISTS (CALLED BACK TO ACTIVE OUTN, When Johnay is through with school at lat ht t ‘And they'll all curse HIM- When Johnay comes back to school RE OO FOO AOE I OE OO OO I OO Kae FOCI III IOI I IeBERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPT. David Berg has always had a certain animosity toward Doctors, ever since ‘one of them slapped him around when he was born! And he’s carried this grudge to an extreme — never having been sick a single day in his life! Weeks and months, yes — but not one single day! Anyway, now Dave slaps back with a “Berg’s-Eye View” of the Medical Profession which examines... have such a pain Madam, | do not give curbside fight here! Do you advice! If you wish to consult think it's serious? ‘me professionally, make an ‘sppointment at my office! r Oh, Doctor! Doetort it you had come down with thisiness ) if... but today, medical science has \veral years ago, tere mouida't be | ||| mado great inroade—and we know how much we doctors could do for it ‘2 moment while I look it up in one ‘of my reference books! it never fats | Everytime Havent oid you over and over a So tke clock workit J | thousand times that if you must get sick, Fegular doctor te OFF CALLE [DON'T do it on weekends, Wednesdays, legal holidays, golf tournament season, ‘or medical convention timeFAMILY DOCTORSDs, Lpman, Ym miserabull-snit! ve got 2 Roni The best thi'g you can 00 fo" a co'd—snif—is to take lerink, my nose is ruddink, two espiridssiif—and go to bed and stay dere—snif) What should | oso?” Doctor, is this examination sing to take much longer? You have a severe | { Doctor, as long as you're here, Te been getting case of open mouth! | | could you take a look at Rita? hoarse lately, Try to kesp cake and | | ‘She gets terrible headaches Doctor! Can you candy away from it! after watching TV all day! suggest something? ‘What should I do?Penicilin for a sore throat! My dear Mrs. MeMullini Hallot tm Ridiculous! In the old country, Medical science has come home! Hey— We used to take garll, vinegar, 2 long way since thent what's the ‘and limburger cheesegrind # | | The eure that you suggest all together—put the mixture | | belongs back in the ignorant, in athot towel—and wrap it ‘superstitious Dark Ages!! around the neck! It worked every time! Officer, this ear that's ouble-parked is blocking traffic! Wry don’t you | || probably on an emergency call give the owner a ticket | | ProPePly — Well, we can fix that up ‘ma jiffy! Is there any garlie, vinegar, and limburger cheese in the Dr. Miler—sob—this is Mrs. Phillips! My husband seems to be getting worse! 'm terribly worried=soi Could you please come over ‘and have a look at him ‘Oh, thank you, Doctor? Thank you Your medicine ean wat! The doctor will be here in twenty minutes! I've ‘got to straighten out the house, clean the bathroom, and put out | fresh towels! You don’t want the doctor to think we're slobs do you? Doctor, | don't seem to {Try getting up have much of an appetite |] "eariier—tike, Tately! Especially after || before desert! ‘2 big meal! HEY, DOC! REMEMBER ME? I'M THE PATIENT YOU CAME TO EXAMINE!SLIPPED DISC_DEPT. Everybody knows that record album covers are designed chiefly to sell the records inside. But, for a few dis- cerning collectors, they also serve another purpose. Through the billings on the covers, itispossibleto trace... THE RISE... 1952 ya rere 3) Cony and the Fae A DBE Re Mee NEAL Tunes wir Fell vr On Ort e ys 1950 | Welsh Goal Mining Ditties Sung By | THE EUCLID PHLOMM CHORALE WITH PATRICIA BLOUSEN Boo Cee} Ce eats 1957 Pa Niele ray Pee ee ee usen“wniran: Tom Kocm 1955 | THE INCREDIBLE | VOICE OF i «=| PATTI PONS Sm Ons Ve BLOUSEN RECORDING 1959 FAVORITES OF THE FIFTIES Bee cad Patti Blousen Dh Gorzze, | perry Pee eee > Q ' EP on ~ e GE B.0usenOFF THE BEATEN SOUND TRACK DEPT. PART II h0Fe. MOVIE DIALOGUE WE'D LIKE TO HEAR A COLLECTION OF “REVERSE CLICHES” DESIGNED TO INJECT NEW LIFE INTO OLD “SURE-FIRE DIALOGUE” = == PrTHE PRICE IS_A RIOT DEPT. A few issues back, you marvelled at the ingenious business methods employed by Theater Owner of the Year.” Well, those little tricks of his were “‘child’s play MAD's Movie compared to MAD'S "DISCOUNT CENTER" OWNER OF THE YEAR By Once again, MAD has assigned me to interview a prosperous business man, and get the inside story on his operation! Mr. AX. Kuttrayte, owner of the nation’s largest and most success {ful Discount Center... my name is Dorothy Kilififth, and I've been dyingtomect you You see, up to now, | thought everybody r id all their shopping at Tiffany's... like met ARTIST: WALLACE WOOD, welcome to magnificent fabulous 400-acre the only store on earth where you can buy Ht you Miss Kintittn "Kuttrayte City everything under one roof! Matter of fact, we'll even ‘the root! Let's see... it cost us $495,000! We'l sell 0 you for $400,000! That's 20% off! [Ey [= Dew No thanks, Mr. Kuttrayte, For start, I'd lke to see those famous name brand washing ‘machines which you sell at fantastically low prices. Your ads say that you can't mention the famous name brands, but anyone would recognize them as 's00n as they saw them Exactly! Here's the the William Shakespeare ‘which offers a saving of 180 yen—heh heh—sorry, E homas Jefferson Washer, which Is ‘made in Tokyo, and here's Washer, made in Yoronama, ‘and here's the Babe Ruth, 36¢! You must adrnit, they are all famous name bands! = a J IE ses B&B Mr, Kutteayte, aren't you cheating the customers with those phony name brand ads? (Of course! But they forget about it fast! And once we've dragged them into a store ofthis size, they're bound to buy something else (Oh, excuse me, Miss Kilfifth, | must have a] word with that Women's Wear Dept. clerk! arora fb SeeVleck! What's the idea of smiling and ‘talking politely to that customer? You her! And look how disgustingly neat this Counter is! Mess it up, man! Mess ft up! Make It look as If 8000 customers have been rummaging through it for fantastic WZ ‘Sorry, sit fost my ‘You see, Miss Killfifth, when customers come [For example, head? if you like 2 there's Arnold Preffersehmit 1 see. In other words, the public only thinks they the price tag: “LIST PRICE: [MMI are saving money! $112, OUR PRICE: ~$64.!" Seo, the trick is to make up 2 ridiculous list prie for the tag and then sell the iter for more or less what ‘Rusually sells for in the ‘And if we stil can't sell, allwe dois Tratice | [Oh, yes! But] [Just one second, si, while T change the it prise te $195, and our price meee ||| || seme Prone cream {S189 For somereasen, moet sabe wort ws] |eaantcowe | | ""supen'aorto contact mr touch areesonably priced emt But sel the ave some | _ |Flooper, cur seston Supervisor Sime thing or aot more dough and Fe ingenieur | | “toccntac Wr, Grimik our it round mere, we cal myect_ |_| store Superitito kay your tw of Supply and icote Shock ou tons Me Geet the only one on our staff who ‘can read and writat