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MoMPE EEL ma Pd VIDEO GAME STAR IRVING PAC | q ; \| 0 FEATURES NUMBER 233 SEPTEMBER 2) pe 1982 Money sil talks these days! Trouble is, yow hve STARRING increase the volume a lot!’—Alfred E, Neuman AT THE WHITE WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor HOUSE Pg. 4 LEONARD BRENNER ar! director TOM NOZKOWSKI production NICK MEGLIN senior editor JOHN FICARRA associate editor GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI subscriptions JACK ALBERT lawsuiis. ANNE GRIFFITH CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS. ihe sta gang of iots man's UPDATED DEPARTMENTS PRACTICAL J ACCLAIM JUMPING DEPARTMENT CATALOGUE ‘The Second Edition Of MAD's Over-Rated Pg. 28 Under-Rated Book 10 BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of 16 CAUGHT IN THE ACTS DEPARTMENT Rionald Reagan... Now Starring In The White House... 4 CLAWS AND EFFECT DEPARTMENT. “Six AMAD Look At Other Uses For Live Lobsters. 40 MINUTES" CRASHING BORE DEPARTMENT LOOKS AT r “The Brawl Guy” (A MAD TV Show Satire) 43, nice DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT Po 3 Last Year At The Freenville Marathon 9 : Last Week At A Freenville Diner 21 Yesterday In Downtown Freenvilie 37 ERR APPARENT DEPARTMENT What's Wrong With This Picture OF A Video fame Center 38 WHAT'S WRONG FUTURE FLOCK DEPARTMENT WITH THIS, A 2ist Century Guide To American Wildlife 22 PICTURE OF A GOOD OL NOISE DEPARTMENT VIDEO GAME ‘MAD's Do-ItYourself Country: Western Song 14 CENTER? GONE FISSION DEPARTMENT Fuse Six Minutes” Looks At Nuclear Power 33 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT ‘Spy Vs. Spy 13 LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2 Amap MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT LOOK AT. “Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones * (OTHER USES OUT TO LAUNCH DEPARTMENT FOR LIVE Missile Alert 25 Eee ‘S PRANKS-GIVING DEPARTMENT % MAD's Updated Practical Joke Catalogue 28 TWO SIDES OF THE CON DEPARTMENT Isn't It Suspicious...? 26 **Various Places Around The Magazine “THE oes eee ener er We ae te Bea ‘or 8 ces. Subscrpton n UGA” 10 asons 89,78, Ouizon USA, Guy” logistics ringing about our ecbeerpton POSTMASTER sond aacrot changes MAD a88 Madieon Sranve: Naw York’ WY. 10082" the Fublener and Estore wit nel be reeponete fr unestcted SATIRE kL em ”” WHY RILL YOURSELF? | JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUES AT THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO KAD AND HAVE IT MAILED TO YOUR HOME! ce coupon or duplicate RAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N¥. 10022 lenclose $9.75*. Ente?my name on yout subserpton Ist and mal me ie next 10 issuesof MAD Magazine. NAME ADDRESS TAKE THREE MONTHS TO PAY! It you want to take thes months oF a ‘pore to poy of other stuf! you buy {Bats shay the! But you want these futglar portato Aled or ing Bi cage or wrapping for what Sox ior on, $123 for 3: $255 "9, $355 or27 a $10.95 or tt: MAD, EEShaabson enue, fa N 20028 “MAD'S ACADEMY AWARDS” Mort Drucker and Sean Hart deserve an award for the of the Academy ‘Awards, Lenny Kitzen anton, OH. 1 gus doing *MADS Acer, Avard Show" saved you. the trouble of doing countless satires of yecch stuff like "Mom: re Dearest” et John 1. Cash Balkimore, MD 1 really enjoyéd MAD's version of the Academy Awards but [was surprised that bra was not mentioned. What’ the lidn'e "Pia promoter Riklis" tickle je money bone? Mary Rye Nashville, TN GUN sHoTs Personally, { think your arvide “MAD. Visits A Local Gan Club Picnic” isn’ true avall, You're eating people with guns 45 wwe were crazy maniacs ai giving us a bad Fepucation, Pm warning you. Ifyou ever do it again, Til shooe you! cs Cyt ‘New Brunswick, CANADA nit “Visit Ta A Local Gun Club” was ‘on target. 1 should know. L work at In “MAD Yisits A Local Gun Club Pini Siegel and Jack Davis proved thar they havea fieense to ill humor Kevin Roberts Newton, MA You at MAD exposed your immoral if you beioe ar gn contel will wore please ell me. why John’ Lennon, 1B Reypan and the Boye were al shot place where guns have been banned or tolled for vents! This ‘coum. te ocd fois be ps oe oon pe d tealize that it is the criminal that m : fe punted and tue ibe une” or te ta ing cies Brik Michels Huntington Beach, CA FARST HINT OF IMPEACHMENT? reason to hate President Raga As the Ballpmer,so does my father. Your “Reagans Goryiirg Ades" was 0 direc ve oul agice with you, more. Pm had MAD hate gts a the he and’ | hoe you continue in the future Tae’ wh Tim renewing my subscription Sonata Reyes ‘west New York, NJ “HILL STREET BLUES” Your “Swill Street Blues swilly Davi Jerry ceanside, NY Just wanted 10 lee you know that 1 enjoyed your spoof of "Fil Street Blas ‘cen if you di have me wearing 3 woman’ nogligee and carting my prlfiend around Cheers! Daniel J. Tian Hill Sitect Blas Stulio Cry, CA Iam sick and sired of secing sys four inferior publication Fis, you mocked thy highiyserive performance in “Altered Sees Now you're making fon Officer Renko, who has crdused den, ELA, basketball sar as 2 parence En closed plese finda photo of the guy 1am Thank for nothing e (Charles *Renko"” Haid (180 With His Pol “Clyde” (247, SUPER IDEA nt guys blew it! You should have called war latest Super Special on Advertsing SMADvertsing?™ Sloane and Kyle Pa Philadelphia, PA WHAT DISC JOCKEYS SAY. oved your article, "Whar Disc Jockeys Say...And What They Mean,” OF course when you clods wrote, "HE,” you actually meant, "SHE! Am T right? We are out here Jor ¥. Vander Lek Wanis Wilmingeon, DE When a B,J. sys,"My fivorce magazine is MAD.” what he really means i" don make enough mney. t0 buy Phaybor oF Penthouse! Sea Whight WoRC As a starving, underpaid afield, Obio. my fling’ that mast have fad your sneaky staff bug D. al over the country co gctthe otc side of the so Mike Patrick MAN Mansel, OFF 1 ceally and tru ati “What Dic Jockeys Su... And What They Mean.” My only problem is with shat you ssid on the cdi line, and what you really meant to say What you meant fo si. ws Whiter: Dick De 'Barcolo, ‘less Dean Foci!” Wake up you gu Dean Fiora Manchester, CT ‘Ooops! Sorry about that! But we did re member to poy youl Ed. “TV ouNse" 1d eather watch the programs i your version of the “Thuly Ho Informative Listings in TV Gu «tap theyre showing onthe bobseub Geb jo Lisa Verigin Escalon, CA fom Kach should be writing His selections were bilcous! Brendan Meagher Thornwood, NY TV Guide My brothers and I like TV Guide rice so much we hada "Family Feud” over 9 see who would get to ead it frst T finally had co beat up The Litle Rascals and send them to "General Hospital” After Tfinally read ie 1 sid "That's Incredible No Name bic & good lever! HIDDEN MoTIVEs?? I have finally figured oue why you guys prine some of the Teters you receve from Your readers. A few months bade you printed a letter I sent you My parents went fut and bought a few more’ copies of the issue to send to relatives, fiends, etc. You make moce money that way! What a cheap trick Kacie Smith Yuma, AZ We got you again, kiddo!—Ea, Please Address All Correspondence To: MAD, Dept, 253, 485 MADizon Avenve New York, New York 10022 $POT THE WEIRDO? In today’s world, it's not easy! There are so many of them! Like the kind that read book ads like this one and then don't respond to them immediately! Aren't you glad you're not one of those people?! We arell But we must wam yo Even if you do respond to this ad and send for this book or buy it at your bookstand, we can- not guarantee you won't spot one of your other weirdo traits reading— THE MAD WEIRDO WATCHER’S GUIDE On Sale Now At Your Favorite Bookstand, Or Yours By Mai use coupon or duplicate = 485 MADison Avenue New York, NY. 100: PLEASE SEND ME: THE MAD WE:RDO. WATCHER'S GUIDE The Oity Old MAD Polynsdurted MAD The Recycled MAD, ‘The Non nie MAD She Rp Of MAD The Then MAD The Pocket MAD She invisble MAD, Delete MAD Sales HAD MAD 3 She ase Map ‘Hooked on MAD The Gickoo MAD The Medicine MAD AMAD Sercrble Swinging MAD MAD Overboard noa0o jo0og MAD About The Buoy MAD jor Kicks. eed MAD mpg i ores Runs de ie fated MAD nia he explosive MAD BRAGONES "Vis MAD ARAGONES VAD about MAD © ARAGONES MAD iy Yours BAGONES io MAD We Trust BAGONES MAD ase Devi BAGONESIncurly MAD BAGONES Shoots) MAD ARAGONES MAD Marznals MAD As 2 Hatter M0 for eter vse NAME ADDRESS. ciry_ STATE zip 2 ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THESE OTHER MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS I'VE CHECKED BELOW: The MAD jumble Bok More MAD About Sports MAD Around the Word MAD Goes Wid. Get Sttied With MAD MAB Were Power Caley MAD MAD Cook a the Future CO MAD Book ot Mysteries TE1MAD Craae o rave Primer MAD Make Out Bok COMAD Clobbers the Classics CIMAD Survival Handbook CiHistay Gone MAD Wary Book MAD Clowns Around Aone Wi MA ab aos (Che MAD weasice Chest CIMAD Sucks C1 SuperMaD Abominable Snow MAD ‘low 10 weak delves. Outsde the USA. add Se eta, | ENCLOSE $1.50 FOR EACH (Minimum Order: $4.50) fon Spate MAD's Talking Stamps ‘EEDWINE Book of Aimost Superheroes ad's Letters fo MAD S PORGES How Nat fo Doi We cannot be responsible for cash last or stolen inthe Mails. Cheek ‘0 Money Order preferred! CAUGHT IN THE ACTS DEPT. So you really think that just because Ronald Reagan became President, he gave up acting?! Well, shows how much you know!! Because once an actor, always an actor! It’s kinda like herpes! And now that he 1S President, instead of waiting around =, NOW STARRIN fe "as “Hamlet”... — SENILEY for a great role like “Bonzo’s Pal” to come along, Ronnie can play any role that he wants. In fact, we here at MAD have detected him playing many famous, sought- after parts since he took office. Here are just few we've observed...with... AT SHE WHITE HOUSE | .as Ron Corliane .. .in “The Godfather”... of them refuses to | | ‘ims "The Kiss I'm quitting! [] resign my post than {zo along with us? Of Death”? refuse! le're puting more missles How come...? inte their countries or else! tokise Margaret me on the ips! But, sippcangore [ff Ther poe gre Ta tat case j Tras latent ...as Ron Quixote... in “Man Of La Manche Fear not! The Communist dragon will never take over 3 would love to take that crazy ‘and destroy your cherished Salvadorian way of life! eal man’s horse home with me! It would make my children so happy! To ride it? [ne toeatit | ...as “Robin Hood”... a [eocaes raipoustm | [THER What do you mean?_] [He robe from the poor and gives tothe chi ve nation around andy | | new twist A < 7 5 few tax reduction plan Supply Side | RE / Tolbed me todo jt . “é ...as “Peter Pan”... ‘After he finishes Nis term of office, we're putting nies, quiet home! Mr President the of@ | [ Well, they should [== in my district downat ldo... [ij frevery concerned || which isto Keep im in a about making ends meet! ||" repeating = a ‘et the New Spirit] [Gee...1D0feel ba Newitain't its int betitin! | | rumbling that's MY STOMACH! You jetting stronger |p| see, under your New There! Don't you | |_and stronger...! Federalism, there's feat GROWING No SCHOOL LUNCH. down deep That's IT! That's ‘and i's been a long INSIDE you...? the NEW SPIRITI_ [>| _time since breakfast ...as Moses... in “The Ten Commandments”... eee ia en eet eet a a ge tetus UN Let America rtur tothe EY Let us become what we once wee, vation [ava eight thousht [| He's euting nave o‘new [I] ‘rue path. ond ren teepedin moray! Ard et ur acon ‘ire woreTen [| — bec Beco || "Fomor arate ve gute sett onmandnens._ | | cammananents | | evn ...as Merlin...in “Camelot” .. tniitary spending here next year cutting individual and rpm tare that we've balanced the beget ‘And Vd call him 30 incredible ARI! ---as Scrooge...in “A Christmas Carol”... Unerploy Health Farms bene Ye job, erin Ghent or Herbert pe ‘Which one of the IF of Der 7 Hoover to my ment up” [TJ] care coun” [-] _ foreclosed”! 1 8 Hu situa 1 | Ghosts are you??E °” Past. ‘riends!! ...as Simon Legree in “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”... ‘m cutting out Affirmative — LI Action, Daycare Centers, Legal A, Rid to the Poor, CETA Programs, ‘andi’ You know which Good fore Old Days he means?! | icing subsidies for S) Cow income Public Housing. || ——— Yeah! The Good Old Days before -mancipation Proclamation! . LE Teondemn as immoral any Goverment that denies 2 Union its RIGHT to STRIKE! (Of course, that DOESN'T apply to our OWN Govern- tment... and The Air Trafle Controllers Union! ...as What’s-His-Name in “Apocalypse Now [How do vou feet] [ wnat about] [Are you concerned || Ts NATO] | what about the oat tretier || meevpning || “stout srping” || tating || renewed treat DON MARTIN DEPT. PART | LAST YEAR AT THE FREENSVILLE MARATHON DIVIDED HIGHWAY ACCLAIM JUMPING DEPT. THE SECOND EDITION OF VAMPIRES are overrated PHILADELPHIA is underrated PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO LIVE WITH POLITICIANS are underrated WEATHER FORECASTERS are underrated is underrated CHRISTMAS TREE DECORATIONS are overrated THE TREE ITSELF Boccl is underrated is underrated POTBELLIED STOVES are underrated s0GsING —_ is overrated h “ Gare PA, = SUPERMARKETS are overrated ~ ) < on probation 1G) r % at the truckstop y y s ina nightmare ey A 4 g ina jail cell in the Stone Age ine wephouse g aN i Sy ina gay bar SOING itt by the off-ramp Imether ___ near Poughkeepsie with her cobra can still recall when she shot me i on herelbows She was next to Murray is with Miss Piggy : with a wetback @ screamin’ "May Day! inher muu-muu She said tome 9. our love would never die there was no other guy man wasn’t meant to fly that Nixon didn’t lie her basset-hound was shy that Rolaids made her high she'd have a ham on rye she loved my one blue eye her brother's name was Sy she liked "Spy Versus Spy that "Taxi” made her cry she couldn't stand my tie WRITER: FRANK JACOBS ficult. In fact, as you'll find out below, it’s a snap. Simply fill in the numbered blanks from the corresponding numbered lists, and you have [IVE DO-IT-YOURSELF a 3. 4, in Septembér that purple dress sobbin’ at the tollbooth at MacDonalds that little hat drinkin’ Dr. Pepper ridin’ shotgun that burlap bra weighted down with Twinkies wrestlin’ gators those training pants breakin’ out with acne all hunched over the stolen goods cramlin’ through the prairie poppin’ uppers that plastic nose smellin’ kind of funny sort of pregnant the Stassen pin crashin’ through a guardrail with a Jogger the neon sign chewin’ on a hangnail stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile alkin’ in Swahili with Merv Griffin the hearing aid drownin’ in the quicksand dead all over the orange toupee quotin’ Al Pacino hustlin’ Martians the boxer shorts slurpin’ up linguini 7 8. I promised her Iknew deep down no guy would ever love her more that she would be an easy score she'd bought her dentures ina store She asked me if that she would be a crashing bore Ttold her shrink I'd never rate her more than “4 The they'd hate her guts in Baltimore itwasa raven, nothing more we really lost the Vietnam War I'd have to scrape her off the floor what strong deodorants were for that she was rotten to the core that I would upchuck at the door stay with her warp her mind swear off booze change my sex udge declared punch her out My Pooh Bear said live off her Iscreamed in pain have my rash The painters knew stay a dwarf AKlingon said hate her guts ‘My hamster thought pick my nose The blood-test showed play "Go Fish” Her mantra said salivate 10. 11. Cr. run off wind up boogie yodel on sky-dive turn gree freak out blast off make it black out bobsled grovel with my buddy You'd think at least that she'd have said in my Edsel Tnever had the chance to say onasurfboard She told her fat friend Grace to say The Gong Show” Tnow can kiss my credit cards with her dentist I guess she was too smashed to say on her “Workmate’ Iwatched her melt away and sobbed with a robot She fell beneath the wheels and c with no clothes on She sent a hired thug to say ather health club She freaked out on the lawn and screamed inher Maytag Ipushed her off the bridge and said with her guru But that’s the way that pygmies sa while in labor She sealed me in the vault and said ied DATING COOKING ABMIGESS DIETS Mona diet. and In STARVING! All can think about is FOOD! “The answer is: Don't think about ood! Don't talk about ‘00d! Wipe food completely ‘rom your mina! Then, you won't be hungry any more! tm doing it I=) ) thinkit's working!) ‘You've got i licked! From here on ins) 1S all peaches and cream! Thnematerteat | (heagmatar ey sone a How many times to tell you! There such thing Oh, yeah?! Then how come we have] ait those LOCKS on the doors! Vm so hungry, l The joke h of distilled room with special “Scorching Dye. I SL. oS When a laundress uses the iron to press any Huge scorch mark is produ clothes. the "Scorching Dye" is released as its only a joke, because the dye washes out with wate steam, and the results are truly horrifying dress will share in the fun after she recovers from her THE “EVER-BLEEDING BAND-AID” TRICK PROTECTIVE TOP sapaly ‘1.000 -neD ove See \ CS ees | 20 eae ee ee This practical joke works best ona victim with a minor wound, THE “FROZEN WATERBED” GAG 4 FREEZE CHEMICAL ‘CAPSULE FILLER PLUGS, Ina couple of weeks, the Limburger “dd Cheese will begin to rot through the Specially made "Quick- Unplug waterbed. insert and shut. Releases a special gauze wrappings, filing the Check ly Dissolving Capsule’ freeze chemical'—the same found in athietes ice- Room and the entire restaurant with fits neatly into “fill packs. Fun begins when occupants of waterbed awake an unbearable disgusting yechy odor. plug’ of any waterbed. _to find they've been sleeping on 1500 pound iceberg THE “FIREWORKS ASH TRAY” EFFECT ASHTRAY MOLDED OF TEMPERATURE SENSITIVE EXPLOSIVE PARTICLES. — COrdinary-looking Ash Tray consists of specially-treated temperature- ‘As smoker places cigarette into ash tray sensitive explosive particles pressed into the shape of an ash tray miniscule explosive particles cling to it ‘When smoker takes cigarette back fromash _Butas smoker drags on cigarette, increased temperature is now enough to tray, nothing apparently is wrong with it ignite highly-explosive particles, creating lots of laughs and good fun. ictim tightens and squeezes Squeezing bursts fragile bubble. _Funis in seeing victim use one phony strip after an~ trick band-aid around finger. and dye begins to run lke blood. other while screaming, "Help. Im bleeding to death! Trick Fish made of thin, opaque. toy- joved, the Fish iS When visiting any place with a fish balloon-type material with a neatly- filled with a special chemical that tank, this trick is always good for concealed fill hole under its dorsal is affected in a rather curious and some hilarious fun. Jokester simply fin is used in this practical joke. marvelous way by mixing with water. sneaks Fake Fish into the aquarium aie = Once in the water, tiny capillaries ‘After a while, the Trick Fish gets so huge that Water starts sloshing out of in Fish’s belly suck water inside the fish tank... along with the other rare fish. Astonishment on everyone's where it combines with chemical to face soon follows, to the great amusement of the practical joke’S perpetrator produce a “Slowly Expanding Gas’ (Note: This hilarious trick is equally effective in swimming pools and lakes) THE “TALKING TOILET” DEVICE W le | wn TAB PLAYER SPEAKER —!) = BATTERY PACK PRESSURE SWITCH Ordinary toilet seat (A) is Heart of this practical joke is tollet seat with built-in removed and replaced with tape player and speaker (shown above). When usersitsdown, __Unsuspecting Victim enters “Talking Toilet Seat” (BJ. pressure switch activates tape player. and the fun begins. __ bathroom to use the toilet ‘A= “PHOOOOZZzz2"" B= "Help..." drowning C— “Charlie, are you sure this is the way cut of the 42nd Street sewer?” D—"Hey, why did it saddens Iy get so dark in here?” E~_ “Attention, all carsit Hey, ladyl! What are you ‘doing?! There are Plumbers working down here... 1 Emergency "A disgusting. slimy, thirty-foot Python 's loose in the streets, and was last seen en eT eh 2 ~Joke-player can record any tering a ety sewer!” Victim's weight on toilet funny message or sound like | Fe ""Pardon me, lady, but seat turns tape player on, muffled voice from toilet. the list shown at the right. hava you seen Jacques Cousteau up thare... GONE FISSION DEPT. (Qin IS 5 MINUTES AND 59 SECONDS LONGER THAN YOU CAN SAFELY BE EXPOSED TO RADIATION! ARTIST: JACK DAVIS WRITER: LOU SILVERSTONE ried [= OF? Is your] [| fam wear Whats fo worry? It tax 15 years for the effects of tadiation to develop! By that time, Ibe retired Senator why doesn't the government finance more ‘esearch into Solar Ener [Not oh 8 Th hold] dangerous, ? Honey | But, Senator... ! Nuciear |platis can be dangaroust fra nuclear mishap in ‘and | quote lost Detroit! Would you. care to comment on that? issee.ioconee The NCR is -—=——arsy incharge of [| Actually, “Licensing” || don’t d and "OnSite | inspect Inspecting." || eave that to. | isn't that | | the Companies! tight, tir_|| Then, we check Tweediedee?| | therr re ‘Oooh! | i Miss! ex fay ‘An've had nuthin but trouble with THIS LEMON! Next time, Ah'm gonna buy me ‘one of them JAPANESE jobs! ‘Sayonara, yal! | i —————— How do you know |= hey're supply ing you with accurate data Would a Nuclear runes: Power poaue Now where's the profit n that? System! An mean, nobody can own the ‘Sun! Not the oil companies! Not the power companies! Not even the Rocke fellers! People would be hardly pay: in’ ANYTHIN’ to heat their houses! - trom the Three Mite iland disaster? ||| if ie Teele ind at et WIPED OUT =] ral But that can’t happent As yn'as the molten core tw down,” the core would continue ‘to burn down We'd ‘active steam explosion that'd make Hiroshima look ike a firecracker! Chinese people wouldn't be harmed unless lived near the plan Not tne movie! | mean the teal thing! through the Earth until t reached Chinat [We Reasonable, we possible thing. the MOST is Tweedledum of the | | in government elim that could happen? fH the public What is the worst i What we fear im with Mr. Jack |A“melt-down”? An Il finding out 5 Protection Agency! fs! szaoson? Excane Mf now expensive |] Trecdledum f ve gas? ff] and dangerous what fs the govern re NRC [I these "Nukes" ‘ment doing about f fear the most...” the serious problem really are! | Serre se Dut thats too = - aa Didit ] [Not quite! We forgot to put fidiculous even But wasnt inet [I Only you consder work? | [inthe coment bottoms! | {POUR nator B) dangerous or. |! petting the equivalent =e G) ‘ieoccupants ot | |"0r 500 chest rays the buildings?” |- | ‘a year danger I Ne year 3 We've gotten rid You bet! You My favorite solution to the problem Itseems ike fl must make of lots of nuclear ney ard was to racket the crap into outer you've tried fa note of ‘waste by putting who wants to space! Sut some bleeding hearts were | everything but that! Who itn steel drums the rocket might eplede, and putting nuclear knows! It land dropping them rave perpetual atomic fall-out! Into the ocean! LD Jes, but that isn't bad z. | comparatively ‘speaking! ee want [2 Ay SS FSoSSS Creating a bilion 5} dollar concrete tomb KY that will be a blight cof a perfect solution! No, the Advertising. Energy. no matter of these dedicated WHAT the risk! Buys, we'd be out ‘of business! Drevent future faccidents..? To calculate what safety measures should be taken? No, to calculate how much the accident is going to cost us... 0 we can pase Ron to our customers! raciaton planet] ] Tthink we've got something on trat strontium that's been showing up in the local milk How about THIS ad to the public's supply, Mr. Katz! my 7 ae eas.) You better beleve| itt At the first Oh, But what about all ‘the PEOPLE that live around here? those announcements ‘assuring them that there's no danger! At re TH Ne ARAB Thank you, Me. Cheshire Katz, of Looking Glass Power! This has been anotner “Six Minutes” ble, we make one of fecall, and me, Badly! Now back to MAL nd some sanity! DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III = TESTER IN| DOWNTOWN FREENSVILLE ERR APPARENT DEPT. Recently, we asked one of our idiot artists to do a drawing of a Video Games Center. Unfortunately, he didn’t do a very HOW MANY MISTAKES CAN Jt vi good job. In fact, he made a lot of mistakes...20 in all! Now it's up to you to find them. Which is why we're asking: YOU FIND IN THIS PICTURE? As ANSW>) 1. The teenager isn’t playing a game because hie parents forbade him to spend any mare money in here 2. The guy who has to go to the bathroom is actually leaving the ‘game to goto the bathroom, 3, There is an “Out Of Order” sign on ‘game that's out of order 4, The owner of the Video Game Center is reporting all of bis cash income. 5. The Game Center Manager is ac tually exercising hisight not toadmit. Undesirabes, 6. The guy calling homes parente that he's "stu library 7. The guy who ran o » fromm fi th the empty candy wrap: ng fora trash can to throw 14, The changemaking machine is not out of change. 15, Thete are girs in ere 16, The “Instructions For Playing The Gamme" is clear and comprehensib 17. The guy is more than he isin th 18, The student is ing classes to suit and te isnot a BE 20. This guy has decided to stop playing the games because he wants to save his fst dollar to buy MAD. FOR ALL YOU SOFT-HEARTED CLODS WHO LOVE LIVE LOBSTERS. .. BUT CANNO’ Ens HIGH SHELF EXTENSION PRONGS TURN INDICATOR COAT & HAT RACK BRING YOURSELVES TO THROW THEM INTO BOILING WATER, WE BRING YOU... NTN STUCeISpseNSy ¥ vo, ie Z ¥ F INDOOR DIRECTIONAL TV ANTENNA PAPER TOWEL RACK - Se DESK SET CORN HOLDER ELECTRICIAN’S WIRESTRIPPER Gi? “WOOL SOCKS DRYER rl PIZZA PIE SLICE! CRASHING BORE DEPT. There's a popular new show on television about a Stunt Man who doubles as a Bounty Hunter. The Producers probably figured out that by combining the two occupations, they could get their star into twice as many fights as usual both on and off the set. Which is why we call our version of this idiocy... te 3RAWL G ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO THIS IS THE STORY OF ONE OF AMERIGA’S GREAT UNSUNG HEROES... THE STUNT MAN... HE CRASHES THROUGH BARRICADES... LEAPS ACROSS WIDE OPEN SPACES... ZOOMS THROUGH CROWDED INTERSECTIONS Well, we made it to alin Geo Butt | AT 100 MILES AN HOUR! AND WH' the tuo on time | [ Goad morina cal] | esto have again For ante. || icv goto relly ; here (thougnt™ | | tough Sear enase weweregonato be || “setneforyou to intevorwark’ | {_simntmsmorning_| [unt wake ; TS Be 4 NY = > i \ Fy ae a ‘Good...! Now Great, Cult! ‘Fantastic! Now, "Terrific, ‘Yiknow, every week | perform |< | This stuff doesn’t rash trough |] Now speed vp | These vganpere stntce” (| ome any MOVIES, ‘doitex. ‘Cult! We're film actly that ing "OUT-TAKES"! wei Wa > eal thetence and | | that first rise, drive righton |..| and hurtle down tothe roller || that nauseating coaster track! fo] huge first dip! This one 18 easy! You “Aw, emon, look... Dont] |_only have to go erosstown! [You think im im) start rth that real easy" ‘about pressed with $500. | Stull YoU ALWAYS say t's | | Crosstown?! Are you mute adaytilm ata: || Well | worked | going tobe REAL EASY...1 Ll Doyou know wnat erosstown 2.3), mous Stunt Mani | [two halt-doys || An then we fing ourselves [] tatfe ts likel? Don't you make $5000 aay! [] in 198i"! ior || have anything in Rawal or Up in the mountains, oF some God forsaken place?l? SPER) ‘Now, here's The DLA. says this dothing the story 2 manufacturer sold over five | [and that's Vito Babboon an lion dollars worth of | |the-"thread” isa clothing | | at] | riginals" which | | of the plot manufacturer . jobe fakes! His | | this week? ‘who's out on trial comes up next Monday | | It sounds ‘and I'm hiring you two $100,000 vil ever lose my te keep an eye on him! bail, and— sense of humor! Jock you |[ Well. the forgot to || Underworlé gveuss || doesn't want ridiculous || this guy to reason why || testify! And weheve 0 ||you know how keep our ||” MEAN the ‘eye on. || “Family” this guy! TRNEW the Family operates in New York and ‘Chicago... ut do they ALSO here in sunny California? Yes, but out here, they're a litle more laid back! If they eatch Vito, they might force him not to testify by making him wear a polyester suit ‘ahile siting in the hot sun by an ‘empty swimmi operate out lasses, h This is the building where Vito has nis manufacturing operation! Who'd ever suspect that a place like this would be ripping off famous éesigns? | pool without any su img e warm pina-colada Let's check Vito's office! Iso't this clever, You want to seale Howdy? We opened| the skylight and climbed down this Tope right into Vito's office! Gull! just saw ‘Look, Cult! No wonder Vito never moved all through the six hours. we watched him! It's @ mannequin! How could wwe nave been fooled by 9 mannequin?!? Better Not ask, Howay! with the feting ability on tive show, 3 ear pull out of the driveway! We better follow him before he gives ts the "bra! Before he gives us Cult, how come we have this autvageous ‘ruck... covered with tons of chrome ‘and equipment... and yet, no one seems {to notice us when we follow them...” MELTO through the | mountains and What mountains?! How do we get to the mountains?!? eat if en fu Simple A Be honest, Cull With dovsmake car chases eft at this and male chauvinism, | next comer |, | ‘srt aur show exact. Pe are take if a° MR Raw y) ‘Absolutely nat, Howdy! Irs nothing Tike "The Dukes Of Hazard"! First seed) A) Fowdy, remember the time we jumped the truck over 3 bull ing. and the time we jumped ‘WOver a moving train? Vell they were nothing compared to THIS jump! So, hang on. Why Anh, hate tose ricsous fond films with thelr Vi é. ‘Okay, Vito But we were Outot the ftw chasing car! Why [ning a voubecause were you Jf Tbecause running you were “Tunning away? away! Howdy, ‘wll | you “putton” | your \ lip guy... But now that you two are involved, we're [Yikrow jumping this truck in the air so much has 9 real advantage!Tne thing is | ‘two years old already, and it's only got | 200 miles on the odometer! Because the wheels are hardly ever on the road! o the guys at the truck dealership. ‘me! Ive got 8 50,000 mile warrant then you guysd | be up for Those hoods may have throwa us Don't be stu: rrr in here, Howdy, but they can't [Can't we PA_pid, Howdy— Yeah, great! Only | | You were right all along! re! How do you you blew out the | | The door leading to the Tkrowit | ‘wrong wall! That | | outside is unlocked! fits Rel know!! We're huh ater Wileaes ” STUNT MEN!! ets get out of hs \ to another room! LT” Howay, call Jock and = ‘and are wef] No...we're doing it |. [Jock, Vito got away! Two thugs| tell ner that we lost 2 because I forgot my|= | took him end... don't be Vito! check with " | | wallet, and don't Tiave it! There they go now, have the money to into that supermarket! Jock ay the check! all Cult on the truck radio home with some: and tel him to get over "one like THAT? ff ‘Quick! !'mon the corner of open \ Fantastic and Unbelievable! = pasa 1 Tgathere | ‘ Hmmphi Probably tying t© ] [ Quick, Howdy...7 as fast as 1 Doesn't seen ietto the register betore | | Use the "Express "could e f the prices go up agsin!" |{ Check Out" fane!! Howdy! for a chase, does it.” Where are | ae wey... = Oh, no! Watch thst! ‘The same thing el Cheesecake?! Hey, Cult! Wasn't "How come we ene Meacaranae ||" ees You'l Mheckcut ert | | afe names Uarowrin || [nisrioMontstent| | Sososeen rroven Fooast | 4 sirpars: | | a's Aetesevent |) \\ [That was pint Keene | Yeah We have odo $50,000 || Boss woth ot property damage pet i, Hilay and Buty! ‘are you = through that store 0 see the ‘huge going into that house... 1 Wey, Cutt These aren't REAL GIRLS! They're the fora real | | two guys hot time? Cult and tare “BUSOM BUDDIES" ALOE planes, we also jump over gaps inthe plot! its nightime stars to guest spot on our show! Okay. how ff_Look, Cut coyou want the hugs are Cult, Tknow we're STUNT MEN... but how do we handle THIS situation? HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS In this “Frog and the Princess” scene, the Frog seems to have all the snappy answers. But after you fold in the page as shown at the right, the Princess winds up with the snappiest comeback! ARE YOU_MY LONG LOST PRINCE 2 DID A WITCH CAST YOU INTO THIS PERFECTLY HORRIBLE ROLE? SHALL L KISS YOUR LIPS AND FREE YOU FROM YOUR TORMENT ? ss» ALL RIGHT, THEN... FOL Tas eeTON oven LFTB FOLD BACKSO“‘A” MEETS “8” NO, I’M YOUR ORDINARY, EVERYDAY TALKING FROG! NO, T ALWAYS DRESS IN FUNKY GREEN TIGHTS TO SHOW OFF MY SHAPE. NO, I LIKE SUFFERING THE ICY GLAZE OF BRUTAL WINTER IN THIS FILTHY POND !!