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I = = = 1 HE mo aS Gael so | «2 } WINDOW k=” STICKERS a= NN NUMBER 221 “When you're in deep water, it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut!”—Alfred E, Neuman WILLIAM. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor JOHN PUTNAM ort director LEONARD BRENNER production NICK MEGLIN associate edlior TACK ALBERT lawsti's GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI subscriptions (CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS. the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS AN EYE FOR AN “I” DEPARTMENT MAD Image-Builders BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMEN The Lighter Side . ate GREEN AND BARE IT DEPARTMENT Don Martin Looks At “The Hulk” HATCHET JOB DEPARTMENT "The Shiner” (A MAD Movie Satire) HOKEY-FOCUS DEPARTMENT. More Candid Snapshots Of Historical Celebrities HYPE TRIPE DEPARTMENT "Variety" For Other Occupations JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT “Drawn-Out Dramas" By Aragones . “MASH” MURDER DEPARTMENT “Crapper John, M.D." (A MAD TV Show Satire) ‘THE DREAD MENACE DEPARTMENT MAD’S New Phobias For The '80's TICK-TICK SCHTICK DEPARTMENT The MAD Stop Watch ‘TRIPE HYPE DEPARTMENT If “Hollywood Hype” Were Used In Everyday Situations PARTING SHOT DEPARTMENT ‘A Basket Case High Up On The 37th Floor POST WASTE DEPARTMENT ‘Mixed-Up Junk Mail Mailing Lists USED PARTS DEPARTMENT ‘Customized Organ Donor Cards For Very Special Donors **Various Places Around The Magazine MARCH 1981 43. 222 24 18 48 92 38 VITAL FEATURES SHINER” (AMAD Movie LOOKS AT “THE HULK” Pg. 14 IF HOLLYWooD HYPE WERE USED IN EVERYDAY SITUATIONS Pg. 18 NEW PHOBIAS FOR THE s SUGGESTIONS FOR MAD. IMAGE- BUILDERS WHY KILL YOURSELF? JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUE AT THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO (YOUR LAST CHANCE AT THIS LOW PRICE! IT GOES UP NEXT ISSUE!) AND HAVE IT MAILED TO YOUR HOME! use coupon or duplicate MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 Venclose $12.00". Enter my name on your subscription list, and mail me ‘the next 16 issues of MAD Magazine. NAME ADDRESS. cry STATE sn cana, $13.0 In US. Funds iting Be feat ang 60's afar $1286, av, fata! oe. LETTERS DEPT. BOMBS AWAY ‘Thanks for owning. up tothe fact chat ‘Up With The Academy” stank Darel Jevens Bau Claice, WI 1c just occurred to me that “Throw Up The Academy” was as terrible as the movie. Throw Up The Magazine! ‘Allan Mantell Hollywood, FL LITTLE "STARLINGS 1 hough "Lice Starlings” was your ‘ar attraction! Scott Rewer Barstow, CA 1 just got finished reading your satire Little ‘Star lings.” It was prety fonay Bat you want to know whar's going to be really fuony? When your lawyer gets through reading whae my lawyer juse sent him! Now chars going to be funny! So funny, I'l probably laugh all the way to the ba ‘Mate Dillon Hollywood, CA DN. SS ®S Matt Dillon Squewks Over Getting The Bird. In "tile. “Ster tings" GETTING NASTY The "MAD Nasty Book, Volume ‘Two proves that MAD will’ pur new graphics on old ideas, old graphics on few ideas, old graphies on old ideas and old graphics on no ideas. D. L. Polonsky Newtonville, MA Moyibe, but there's no need for you to get nesty obeut ited GARBAGE EXPLAINED My compliments co Leibmann and Goker' for "The MAD. Dictionary of Cliche Parental Terms.” However, they Tefe out one very familiar phrase~"Gar bage: Universal term for anything you likeand your parents don't!" ‘Michael Pollack Brooklyn, NY SCHMUCK! SCHMUCK! Was 1 ever swindled! Swapping a copy of my book, "Explaining China. for a copy of (Yecch!) MAD Magazine My book makes for intelligent, seima- lating reading. As for your maauzine ‘Seve Allen New York, NY FIREMEN GET A HOSING Don Martin's “Look At Firemen vwasreally HOT! Robere Rothstein ‘Rego Park, NY ‘OUR SLIP Is SHOWING Regarding issue 218, “Advertsing Makes You Wonder"... why the average, thoughtless clod would want 10 kill him self just because he missed the las isue Of MAD athe newsstand 6 Pct Pallerton, CA -WKRAP"" IN MAD. 1 thought "WKRAP In Cincinnati’ was excellent—particularly, “cis is the part of the show where two characters pet ‘down and level with each other.” I didn't Know my formula was showing. Thanks for the etention, Hugh Wilson Executive Producer WERE In Cincinnati Studio Ciey,CA Do Nor FOLD I think Al Jalfee's see-through back cover was his greatest creation since well, chisfold-in! Bill Shove ‘Williamson, NY I folded it six or seven times before I figueed ic out. T guess Pm just another n0- class MAD faa, Donnie Vaughn Maison, IN Paul Peter Porges covered all the an ales in "Wait Till You Gee Home and Find That ...” except one: Waie cil you ‘get home and find that... the MAD Mag. fine you bought while you were our oesn't have a MAD fold-ia Clif Woodgate Byron, MI Ploase Address All Correspondence To MAD, Dept. 221, 488 MADison Avenue ‘New York, New York 10022 Lnsled Manuel wil ac be rats ules Clongoied bya selvachessea stamped sneleps ‘STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP, MANAGE: MENT AND CIRCULATION (Requirod by 29 U'S.C. 3685) 1. Title of Publication MAD A, Publication No. ISSN 0024 9319 (324820) 2. Date of fing: Oct. 1, 1980 3. Frequency of fesue: Monthly, except Feb, May, Aug,, Nov. A. No. of fesues published’ annually: 8B, Annual sub: Seription price: $12/16 issues 4. Loca fion of Known Office of Publleation: 485 MADison Avenue NYC 10022. 5. Loca tion of the Headquarters. or General Business Offices of the Publishers: 435 MADison Avenue NYC 10022. 6. Names and Complete Addresses of Publisher, Editor, and Managing Editor. Publisher: William M. Gaines—=485 ‘MADIson Av: enue NYC 10022: Editor: Albert 8. Feld. stein—485 MADison Avenue NYC 10022; Managing Editor: None. 7. Owner (if owned by a corporation, its name and address must be stated and also imme- Giately thereunder the names and ad: dresses of stockholders owning or hold: Ing't percent or more of otal amount of stock) EC. Publications, Ine., wholly ‘owned by Warner Communications, In Publicly held. corporation—75. Rocke feller Plaza NYC 10019. 8. Known bond: holders, mortgagees, and other security holders’ owning or holding 1 percent or more of total amount of Bonds, ‘mort ‘ages or ther securities: None FEE] ” a 11. | certify that the statements made by'me above are correct and complete, William M, Gaines, Publisher. 12. For completion by Publishers mail- Ing at the regular rates (Section 132.121, Postal Service Manual) 39 ‘S.C, 3626 provider in pertinent part io person who would have been en titled te. mail matter under former sec: thon. 4359 of this title shall mail such imatter at the rates provided under this Subsection unless he files annually with the Postal Service 9 written request for Permission to mail matter at such Fates.” In’ accordance ‘with the prov. sions of this statute, | hereby request mission to mail the publication med in em 1'at the phased postage fates presently authorized by 39 U.S.C. 3626. 1m M. Gaines, Publisher IS YOUR WISI ON BLURRED? HOW ABOUT YOUR JUDGEMENT? A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES! MAINLY, THIS COLLECTION OF OF THE BEST OF SERGIO ARAGONES'S "HAD MARGINALS” FROMTHE PAGES OF MAD AE BEEN ITHFULY EDI ANDEMARGED ‘BY THEIR CREATOR TO MAGNIFY YOUR AMUSEMENT, SO— ‘NY YOU CAN EAUOY TSE HILARIOUS AWN OUT ORAMAS" YT sa ms, wT SERGIO ARAGONES'S MAD MARGINALS On Sale Now At Your Favorite Bookstand—Or Yours By Mail use coupon or duplicate m7 — 485 MADison Avenue) erry New York, N.Y. 10022 STATE PLEASE ISO PLEASE SEND ME THE OTHER send me _] MAD MARGINALS: MAD COLLECTIONS I'VE CHECKED: (The Bedside Ma {y uestionsbe MAD (De Sey & Me MAD [5ison of MAD Howling AD 1 Steaming MAD (Che Orgaization MAD, The ndigastble MAD MAO at You ue ln inne 1 The Vintage MAD de m [Hooked en MAD (CoFiening MAD Hopping MAD The cuckoo MAD ihe MAD Frontier ihe Portable MAD The Medicine MAD Mad in rt EM Power CAMAD Scramble The Voodoo MAD Swinging MAD i Geeey ak Su Elitvee kag MAD On eden outside the USA. be ete of0 10% et. low at feats weks fr delay. TOMAD Overboard E,MAD Clowns Around (The aD Treasure Chest MAD Sucks 5 Super MAD Cl The Abominable Snow MAD pM Aout Te tu (Dthe Uncensored Ma We cannot be responsible for cash Tost or eon be Mats Check oF Money Oder peered! HATCHET JOB DEPT. A talented writer named Steven King once wrote a terrifying book called “The Shining.” Now, a famous Director named Stanley Kubrick has made a movie out of it. Unfortunately, his film has given Mr. King’s book, and all the other great horror films of the past, a black eye! Which is = . oo 2 why we at MAD call our version: ‘SS Uipman, hm Wack a ina es ious ceria eae it “Als in te ee \S iB HN ER Pientyl eat fora We Our hotel eloses for feos Holiday inns, 9 F the winter in afew days, and we like have someone around to keep an eye on it couple of Hiltons, ‘ond just recently Hey, wait a minute! Tad any experience | essHOTELSITTER, [) CEASARS PALACE {Ewe Torents 7 ae il Oh, by the way. ‘Wonderful And please! ignore all those rumors you keep hearing about ‘his hotel Being weird ard haunted! TEDID THENIR was the week McLEAN STEVENSON was appear he entire tate, and three bor. der towns in tj iy, You've got yourself on? what are job! You know, of course, that t's lonely in an empty hotel hope you have enough to keep ‘yourself occupied! ‘ut we've done tall ‘aw, e' mon, Bp before! Siting sround Windy! We've Ba hotel day after day gonna have [Batter day... BORING atersiic ff ‘each other to death Fy Aran So when you're finishea can sit for BCE ike plans for the futuret You know you're right! TEWILL be Hi, fois! You're Were gonna fi Windy, ma tte ‘Whew! ‘Who'd believe that | [The same people havea great fal concerned about [J Notatwayst MM rora anyone would entrust lag | who'd believe time atthe [that kigtHashe MM Justsince [while 2 magnificent hotel that a hotet in hotel. right, Ml ALWAYS beon nav: [f] YESTERDAY, [Mf there toademented writer | | Colorado would Boney. JM ingthose idiotic ful when he had Il was with 2 boring, ugly ‘lose in winter conversations with [| a ightwith [fl really Wife, and 3 kd ho and miss the Plant, Dinny! MM his Index Finger? [| his PINKY! PA worried! talks to his finger? ‘Ski season! V ( “7 yours DY meen a _ Before -——= You foixetfind more go, know what you're garag to say! ing to say than enough provisions Dinny, | | Weboth see images, and we both | | was that we both to get you through the think | | can predict the future, and what: | | have brown eyest pa: ‘should | | ever do, you don't want me to = = tellyou | | go into room 238, butyouknow | [Oh,.2] |! I that we Sorryi | | won’ have some: Have | thing in L} arnice 1 | common! Fiwintert errs 7s NON <3 We've been here a month, and things are great! I'm writing 2 new book, you ang Dinny are keeping busy, and we've got the run of the whole hotel ind whatever you do, os think about Egbert ack do ut former Caretaker ; yeu resize ‘SLEPT now! Hane in there! | should | eateh up with you some time [9 ‘in February! | here, who killed himself, his wife and his two Ittle girs. with an ax sixty years ago! making TOGETHER been here! Grisly Sisters — ino were murdered {Look at me! I'm eowered with blood! You told me it was all fantasy! don’t understand! I'm ust ¢ kid! ee — For God's sake, Wh Damnit told you a milion are you WRITING? here's something AWFUL n't EVER interrupt and HORRIBLE and DIS: mWRITING! So help |[~ A book I'm ealling 238i tme again” LI Everything You Always. writing and | swear [Wanted To Know About ilyou, you miserable || Human Compassion, But stupid horse-faced twit! ||” Were Afraid To Ask"! ; WHAT family THAT, Daddy [Oxay, Son, now] [Daddy, you got @ youtell me all | | strange lookin your eyes! Are you gonna hurt me and Mornmiy? HURT you? Why should Son, trust me! This happens in EVERY hotel when a guest waits for a Bell Hop to come up and ip hi down with Ni gage! But, Daddy! Tho Bar] | to know fora ‘CLOSED! isn't | | fact they serve Uipman tellus | [spirits in here! he only ones | nd there's ne 7 Ld NSN NN, A ‘Welcome to the Fantasy Bar, Mr. Torrents! i |am ou! phanlom bartnde, loyd and he-eleve eink! You mean THIS ELL? = Yeah 1 | Tm eid you learned "your less— Wait a minute ‘Mommy, is that ‘ J Weil, can't he just ee et tenis prey onc Teor mower ; inter’ cramp? | dimer | here's the book | “ukes’ dear! Butts better this way! You hhave to remember that ‘and over acting! iat what are we gonna DO hat Daddy is gono?? i 10 be well struggle through some how You may have to sell rewspapers and! may ‘even have to sell my body! Schmutzer, the New ‘York publishing firm! We've just ead your late hus band's manuseript ‘and we think it's sensational! Can'tyou fey what wo oat ‘But you KNOW [gas justsend [| around here! ad metobed | | That wouldn't without | | bespunish- Py supper— | | ment! that Ike other Fathers?! that’s what the public reading ‘these daysl You'll make a fortune from the hardcover and paperback ‘And that doesn’t in bad ights t's going tomake one hell of a moviet ne ne for 2 Job as a sitter for this remote Colorado hotel— TRIPE HYPE DEPT. What makes a dull business like show business seem so exciting? Variety, the jazzed up newspaper for that industry. If Variety is the spice of life for them, how about the rest of us slobs who would like our dull professions made to seem fascinating? With this in mind, we at MAD now present examples of ... JET FOR OTHER OCCUPATIONS PLUMBERS JARTETY DIX CLIX HIX STIX QUIX FIX PIX UNION DETECTIVES NAB BADDIES Ehgoiets et cg rent tinenaict | Boo Hiss For ignore Backlash | Sse pt Household Helpers that rural plumbers were violating sity | the “Go Slo” union understanding. Las Vegas, Nev. eee The dicks were sucessful in snap | Roundly denouncing the non-pro ping photos of out-of-Zine plumbers | use of common household aids such Who made only one visit per job and | as Drano, Liquid Plumber and other ‘who fixed toilets, sinks, and pipes in | popular glitch-unstoppers, Art Cha @ manner that caused no later prob- ternationally known sink fixer Jems. Union nabob Rizzo said, “Hey, | received a standing ovation at last if we allowed our members to work | week's Plumbers Convention. fast and efficiently, there wouldn't be | “By allowing homeowners to do enough work to go around!” Good | their own work on sinks, toilets, and thinking, Union Boss. pipes, we run the risk of creati Penalties were assessed against two | an army of incompetent plumbers. members of the Dothan, Ala, local | Charney went on to say that we al- who actually stopped a toilet leak, re- | ready have enough incompetent paired it, and then—and this is what | plumbers, namely, the total registry really steamed union brass—gave a | of union members. “Plumbing is an ‘guarantee on their work. The two er- | art. There is no place for the non-pro- ant members haye been sentenced to | fessional screw-up, at least not until do their next three jobs without using | all the professional screw-ups are Last week's Plumbers Annual Ban- quet and Dance at Madison Square Garden was a sensash! Two thousand plumbers and their ladies showed and all enjoyed themselves to the hilt, Unfortunately, there were some un pleasant rumblings that almost ruined the evening, Since many of the guys ceame right from work, other patrons in the area were seen running out into the street, gasping for fresh air, Seems the civilians can’t take the smell of a hard day's work. Sam Bob- who arrived late from his job on a clogged sewer line, quipped when he saw the distressed patrons fleeing, Like Harry Truman once said—‘It you can't stand the smell, get out of can't stand the fell Bet Out Of | snakes or plumbers’ helpers. employed.” ee ee see SHAKE IT, SNAKE IT, FAKE IT who said it. What does Allen Kane do when faced with a clogged toilet? Here's his expert ‘A fun night was had by all and the | advice! “First I take off the tonk top and shake the metal float. If nothing happens, management of Madison Square Gar. | I run a snake through the pipe. If nothing happens then, I fake it by telling the den announces they are fumigating | cistomer thatthe tolet is fixed and they shouldn't use it for at least half hour re fumigating | nl ‘normalizes This gives me enough time to get out of there and call my ote service and instruct them to stall with an ‘out-of-town emergency’ story. It also re to cash the check before they can stop payment. From that the place in prepar us, arriving Sunday. " TOLL COLLECTORS fARIETY ee ea COLLECTOR ANKLES TO MIAMI WITH MUCHO $ Bronx, N-Y “Whaddya Call This?!” | Frei cerwe lcltsor tthe | “I Ain'tNo Travelers’Aid!,” akiandscat, | week and ated down to hi new | SezMort To Dopey Drivers en Heneratalisenthe Osland_ | $550.90 condominium, nthe Sux one ea ogastmotorst | shine Stat. He pid cash fo his on. Wesion, Com, oo itor or “agganted sual Ses hat Bont thst Herter Peete ean gut change le ad. | voored'ene dime and nickel Up Miami with one suitcase and 86 bags | your booth and starts asking for di- of half dollars and quarters fections hes always been a problem When asked how he required such | for tolies. But Mort Fenster has an «tidy sum on his modest toll collee- | answer and it works just fine. Mort -d, “I gave up toll collector on the New England lin coins, Fred landed in | What to do when a driver stops at One of the dimes and the nickel tor’ salary, Fred quip One of the iene nosis, Last | buying hunches, coffe snacks, and | Thruway, tlls the driver to “Get AE ee ae sUnnng unngge” | chewing gum. all ads up” Thifty | tou”'Sines the driver already lst Fred figures to be active in his new | By not stopping to answer ques: which his wife interpreted to mean, | hich is wife interprtet eayrim: | digs with plans 10 build his own | tions tke, “Is Massachusetts this The whole affer has ieoiltr | causeway, for which be insists he will | way? and, “Is there a comfor ss peiretiny “ab “e hire no toll collector tion nearby?”, has allowed Mort “BRING BACK MINI-SKIRTS” Are you muls?”, Fred offered, | more time fr is are coin collection. SEZ TOLLIE FASHION een | THROM Bes ceke Melanie 25yeer | course he hasnt made mater beter mon, you guys, get outs here | old formerLes Veges showgirl-aid... | either, but that's another matter HOUSE PAINTERS ens ZABIETY Fy PAINTER GOOFS: PAINTS 3 RMS. & OLD LADY Champ Streaker FetedAt | “OOPS!” SEZ FAST | “Renaissance Man” Perfects Bucket AndBrushBash | WORKER IN LAWSUIT | Time-Stretch Tech He Bip at Provo, Usa Valle Sea, NY At the House Painters Annus! | Claiming that “when Tet paid by | Bill Negron, whose fame lee house Dicker ad Sea aay Di aI a Pian at bys rapa | aad ae nee ee Somes ecrel aM cee || Ming ta spe re” Hey ue Ne nates Caen hes ee singin ceca ote vare | Kapettenbl pil ina ailln a | hewue celui Wine erie itvezas fat EE wi woser! al | ist wit beeen api Mn by -| tyre one Bit we asec dhe Uns year, never comipleeed a job || Majotls Cledisns an 88 year Gidlitt | geloxeuttnc’” He lies on his bacteand Heth ws cid in | Sl Bok Wists omosclonn Srought ite touchupDickeciwake | thalKrigee wanted tofinzh the paint | petating walla not celiege 1: tates In appreciation, his fellow painters twice as long for the job and that’s presented him with the coveted srol Fi ‘With Dick around," the presenter of | net watching him work, he became | Bill's spotted overalls pocket!" the award stated, “we'll always have so involved with watching the clock ri mine work ‘witness forthe defense, admltng he th his roller. Ms. preferred Majorie painted blue. “ NEATNESS SEMINAR SCRUBBED | ick othe wall fortves dvs var sal stand hor panty, wit “he Uno Semicon “Nears | sierene meee tens, eke Lak Ike Lwin with tn Hotere ee conceit eee | eee | |. ghost, Now. she hes'some color, UNION SPOTS Philadelphia, Pa ‘After thoroughly checking moving men’s records for the past year, the Movers Union spotted a flagrant vio- Tation of its work rules. It api that in Wilkes Barre, Pa, on D ‘shipment of household sed to the of last year, goods was delivered on tin Perfect condition as promi “This. is an. outrage,” sputtered Th a ea HANDY DANDY COP-OUTS FOR HEADS-UP MOVERS 1, The truck broke down. 2. The signs in this area are tl street/city/state (choose one) 3. That was chipped before we MOVING MEN /ARIETY ON TIME DELIVERY TRIGGERS PROBE “NO-NO” IN PENNSY John Blauner, head of the Union ‘Some movers are bad apples, tty as ‘we might to weed them out,” he re marked in a thinly veiled reference to Jerry Granat, the Wilkes Barre mover who made the boo-boo. When ‘eked for his comment, Granat said, Mistakes will happen. Hell, I'm only hhuman! | thought the work order read Dec. 5, but even then, 10 days fate would have still been too early.” he worst. I couldn't find your loaded it on the truck. Honking Horns Music To Movers’ Ears San Diego, California Ii’s not all work and no fun for movers, especially in heavy traffic "When | hear those drivers laying on their horns because I've blocked a Street with my truck, I don't get Shook,” claims Eric Wessel, 1977 Mover of the Year. “I have a ball ty ing to pick out tunes from the horn honking. Yesterday, for instance, | noticed that a combo of 1972 Dodge rand 1975Chevy horns sounds like the ‘opening notes of Chopin's Nocturne in C Sharp. ‘Of course, sequence plays a very important part, here. For instance, JANITORS VARIETY SEVENTY-SEVEN STRAND MOP A SOCKO! Dolph Kicks Off Tenants | HEAVY MITTING FOR | Walt’s Sure-Fire Do-It-Yourself Campaign reste ag Ara Doe voursal Carpal er ieee er a Lo lng re ce views on Ee rina od cocoa Me Olin, We 2Do Pa tt rele he cacy 2a Nowell wih ine lack Pelee eee cues eae ing ibplayedinong A Ee ents eee a teaalas tet sear he, yeaa bs raced tv eny Slows ans, All ine EE A cimed Doh, a cna he fogs Pe etcerta nosed | NEW SOPPER-UPPER New York City | stor rm i Sr he Bi [Apple gave raberah approval to the new Tf strand mop, intrord atthe Annual Janitors and Maintenance Men Trade Show at the New York Coliseum lest week This new 77 isa beaut,” enthused “Stanislaus Kepler, who did the debut map-up after the Coke machine atthe how overflowed. Manufacturer big- dfesclaim the new 77 will replace the $id 55 strand model that had been the industry's standard swabber. Dubbed, “The Spirit of 77 Better Than The Spirit of 76,” the (ae work hours, freeing Janitors to devote more time to crossword puzzles and seri- | ous drinking | they dont get! And what they don’t Gimmick For Shafting Xmas Non-Tippers Chicago Hallways on the 3rd, 6th, and 7th floors of 811 East Washbum Ave. in the cindy Windy City are a mess. Garbage, uncollected since Xmas Sen fe fenants of those Noorsstifed Janitor Walt O'Neil, hes been yecch Ing the place. "Xmas i time fr giv- ing and for getting,” sez Wise Walt, wand ifthe tenants don’t give, then gets their garbage collected!” Walt figures that by the end of F I get the point, stating, “I ived Washington's Birth- day gifts before, but T expect a few this time around! (GREEN AND BARE IT DEPT. DON MARTIN KS AT... Uy Key Po y, sf 2 é S| Pees (Sea all HYP! Whenever a movie-maker wants to make a film look more impressive than it really is, he takes out a big, important-looking ad. This is called “hype” and the ad usually looks something like this. . . KYLE AND LYLE BRISKET In Association With H. SIDNEY MANGOLD Present A Monumental Picture ALEXANDER BARFKIN'S Production Of JASON FREEN'S SPACE WAR A Frederick Bilge Presentation, STARRING ELWOOD MONICA — LANCE SCURVY WAXWING MALOMAR and FEATURING VICTOR BEVERLY ZOLTAN KYLE McSWEEN NURD ZANDAR UNDERFOOT AXELVETCH PHILOE. LODESTAR + SYNDA STAGMIRE ‘And Introducing DWAYNE OXBLIGHT as “The Visitor” With HERMAN HERM NADIA OMM J. STUART WANG XERXES SMITH LORD UNKY And A Special Guest Appearance by MERVYN ELDERTOOTH as himself SCREENPLAY by TELFORD MUSK, Based on ALVIN TOGGLE'S Novel ‘‘Space Boogie” Costumes by Miss Waxwing’s Miss Waxing’s Miss Waxwing's Teeth HILDA HUNGERLIP Gown by WALTER Pantyhose by SUPREME by Milton Beemish, 0.0.S. Filmed on Location in Burma, Morocco, and a Sidewalk in Suburban Knoxville Color Processing Developing Credits Casting Sound Filmed by a by by by in XZ witco —NILCO SILCO FORBUSH DAPHNE TRIVET APEX SUPER VISION 4a Entire Production Supervised by Elrod Whippet in Association with Warren Scrim and T. Hector Diggs. Not to Mention Waldo C. Erb Pretty impressive, huh? But it seems a waste that hype like this is reserved only for movies. There’s no reason it couldn't serve us all. By George, let’s see some examples of what we'd have... i IF HOLLYWOOD HYPE” © WERE USED FOR EVERYDAY DRAMATIC OCCASIONS FOR A MAFIA VENDETTA Don Rico Manicotti in Association with Salvatore “Fats” Tortoni resents AManicotti Family Production WIPE-OUT ON NOSTRAND AVENUE STARRING “BIG SAL “THE & (by arrangement “SID LOUIE” BARBER” with Don Carlo. THE SHIV” LASAGNA SPUMONI Tacchini) MANUCCI AND INTRODUCING For the First and Last Time “Shades” Finelli as “The Squealer” Plus a Milling Throng of Terrified, Uninvolved Onlookers Travel Casting Assisted Entire Production Planned, Arrangements by DonRico by Capo Vito Supervised and Disavowed by AcmeCement Manicotti Corona by Don Rico Manicotti FOR A SURGICAL OPERATION St. Ignatius Hospital and ‘THE SURGICAL TEAM OF OPERATING ROOM B PRESENT Dr, Leon Mishkin Operation ‘The Grand Opening of THE STOMACH OF MORRIS PUTTERMAN STARRING DR. LEON MISHKIN with Nurse Elvira Int Quigley Dr. Dwayne Farfel Yani 1d as “The Specialist” ith a Special Guest Appearance by MORRIS PUTTERMAN and Introducing Putterman’s Hysterical Wife, Rosalie Plus a Supporting Cast of Nurses, Orderlies and Inquiring Relatives Anesthetics Gauze by Sutures by Dr. Byron Wimple Johnson & Johnson by Acme Financed by Blue Shield and United Major Medical Entire Production Supervised by Dr. Leon Mishkin FOR A DIVORCE TRIAL State of New York in association with ‘lix J. Grumwort Bailiff W. Culpepper Presents A Divorce Court Production HAROLD LAURA YURGLE SMEED SMEED THE Ble SPLIT Based On a Scheme by LAURA YURGLE SMEED From an Idea of Her Meddling Mother ELVIRA YURGLE Co-Starring ATTORNEY STEVEN WEEDLE Arguing Greedily Over the Objections Of ATTORNEY RAMSEY BLIGHT With a Special Guest Appearance by STAR WITNESS LOLA “LEGS” WICKERSHAM (by arrangement with Private Detective Gump McCall) And a Tear-Jerking Performance by SIX-YEAR-OLD BILLY SMEED Entire Production Paid For Through The Nose By HAROLD SMEED Justic FOR A FAMILY DINNER Clarabelle Grommet With Assistance From No One Presents WEDNESDAY NIGHT DINNER Based On A Recipe By Nelghbor Dora Mulvaney STARRING Clarabelle Grommet Morris Grommet wrrn Sheila Grommet Morris Grommet Jr. as “The Fat One" as "The Finicky Eater” FEATURING— Ground Round by Harney LmaBeansby by theTown by by the Butcher mies Grocery Tastytresh Reservoir G.t. Supreme Produced in a Hotpoint Oven and Presented On Ajax China Entire Production Overcooked by Clarabelle Grommet Potatoes and “Bread Waterfrom Tee Toothplcks Antacld by FOR A TEENAGER MAKING OUT Marvin Meeg In Close Association With Esther Grush Presents A Saturday Night Production “I MADE OUT IN GRIBNEY RK WITH ESTHER GRUSH" Scenario by Marvin Meeg posed On The Teen Age List { ~~ oh otMantene Inspired by a $10 Bet With le f/ har York : ( STARRING MARVIN MEEG ESTHER GRUSH AND CHARLIE VORCH ‘as “The Hidden Observer” Entire Production Staged In The Parking Area of Gribney Park ‘Automobile Recorded Music by Entire Production Little Stanley Plotted and Designed [And The Aardvark: by Marvin Meee by Chevrolet ‘THE DREAD MENACE DEPT. MAD*S NEW PHO ARTIST: PAUL COKER INFERNOPHOBIA Fear of being hit from behind thing that doesn't have a “Peanuts” Fear of leaving home with your American Ex- while driving a Ford Pinto, or “Sesame Street” character on it. press Card and sfill not being recognized. BIMBOPHOBIA FELONIAPHOBIA Fear of checking out of a hospital 1oke Fear of being mugged while walking even sicker than when you checked in. Show between Cheryl Tiegs and Charo. from your bedroom to your bathroom. IAS FOR THE ’80°S WRITER: JOHN FICARRA GACKAPHOBIA OPECAEROSLA Fear of catching your tie Fear of the price of gasoline going up in your food processor. while it's being pumped into your car. oe A Fear of having to be out of the house on Fear of stopping by a strange bar the concluding night of a 7-part TV movie. __and standing next to Billy Martin. BETAPHOBIA 2 Fear of learning that the plane you're about to board is a DC-10, TICK-TICK SCHTICK DEPT. Z * Far . «is the amount of time between ~ is how long you're already back . isthe amount of time between when inen you first step into the show: irom vacation when the post card you tie warranty on your TV runs out . er til your phone starts to ring. sent your neighbor finally arrives. and something goes wrong with the set. 37.1 MINUTES 9 MONTHS AND 3 DAYS as 3 is the amount of time you watch . ig the time it takes for the for- The Tonight Show before you doze off eign car part you need to be shipped. 5 YEARS, 9 | 2 DAYS 14 MONTHS, 2 DAYS || {] [| | ot q | tn . is the amount of time you spend is how.long you'll be dead when in your life looking for your keys relatives stop coming to your grave 3 DAYS, 2 HOURS, 1 MINUTE «isthe amount of time between when is how much longer it takes your someone dies, and his heirs start lay- tog to find a suitable spot to do his couple in a “Drive-n Movie” spends ine claim to his wordy possessions, thing whenever it is pouring outside. watching the action upon the screen. " OP WATCFi 1 MINUTE, 38 SECONDS 7 MONTHS AND 20 DAYS 3 YEARS, 8 MONTHS, 9 DAYS Eee x ly «DK |X PAS i 4 is how long after the Orthodontist . . is the amount of time it takes a promises to take off your braces that worker to make up the money he lost he finally does take the things off. when he went on strike for more pay. 13 DAYS By «iS the time it takes the Post Of fice to deliver a letter cross town. 16 MINUTES, 8 SECONDS 008 BEIM Py hese fe y. aN a Z eo a WAITER: JOHN FICARRA «isthe amount of time the average battery in a new electronic toy lasts. 27 MINUTES 12 SECONDS «is the time it takes you to wrap . . is the amount of time that passes a child’s birthday present that the between when a man picks up a copy of little brat will rip off in 2 seconds. Playboy and he flips to the centerfold is the time between when the win- ning horse crosses the finish line . . . and the horse that you bet on comes in. 2 MINUTES, 12 SECONDS . . is the average time it takes a gal to find something in her purse. 29 SECONDS sal ... is how long a guest is on a “Talk Show” before he plugs his latest film. 3 MINUTES, 22 SECONDS is the amount of time the average American spends listening to a Presi dential address before shutting it off BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. THE IGE CAR OWNERS SUCCESS a ‘that we BOTH started working for your FATHERY, 4 started out in this company TOGETHER! R SIDE OF PARKING got an idea! ight (Geet ioetiecs neh ; wives) [casters mat did you || Eventually, the United shange a MY way. stupid Metric System with | are | States will change over a | 23.048 METER POLE! completa ort ure acto! || pean metho teste [Sesh | [Pe eer actent MODERN TECHNOLOGY (Tats toney! seep pushing Thats funy. The (See zing) [Dont ettutton on tne Eetromie | Remote Control Tv fariscostina meas | | gotacar rage Boor Opener contol | Koope changing the (See wort} (Gees ANY oe ot SH NOTHING HAPPENS! (Senebi 7 ee ie INFLATION Tey, Rap) [Yeo! et a sity Tear you mace oREAL e600 aby ova hous! MARRIAGE 's) [And he doesn't go out ) [ Yeah! INCLUDING MEH a a teed SHOPPING a Y Wan eae \. [isenneriotone)_ (Reece a s LINE $25 OR LESS. | WINTER = Ber a ‘You think you couta get those ) | little stinkers to shovel tne . m sidewalk and driveway now? rn sot de NG 4 ON THE JOB (Reto... Jet Listen, Janet, catia) [Cale ack airing busiest now! timonmy LUNCH RAK!) — [hours when | have mare te, = Ty — and we can have a long chat! / DISCIPLINE eh mm mmo came mu ammm 0056 cc eum coe y vaGoy aR POST WASTE DEPT. Don’t you just love it when you run to your mail box in hopes of finding that somebody’s sent you five bucks for some old debt because you haven’t paid your rent and you don’t have a dime for food . . . but the only letter there is a piece MIXED-UP JUNK Dear Swinging Single: How many nights have you sat around alone, wondering, where all the good-looking guys are hanging out? Well, here’s your chance to join “The Aiter Midnight Swinging Singles Club” at our special introductory price, and banish loneliness forever! Just fill out the applica ARTIST: HARRY NORTH, £50, Lay otential Hoseowner: to Oaks" is no ordinary housing developaent , and that's vhy this pre-opening offer ie not g to everyone! Located almost entirely within Wasp, Woods, *Wnite Oaks" will be an exclusive reside: tial conaunity xado up of the most desirable fat Ales. So if you're the type of person wo! Tor, why not cone out to "White Oaks" today, and let us show you our planned private community eS Dear Lover of Fine Foods. Dou reputation asa knowledgeable gourmet ison record. But how much do you relly.know about the proper wines to Serve with such gourmet dishes as Quenelles De Brachet or ‘Tournedos Rossini or Poulet A La Creme? The" Werld Book Of Wines Dear Home Handyperson: What's your next home improveaent? A finished baseaont? A swizning pool? A guest roos? Wnatover your plans, "Hone Handyoerson Mara- ‘and of junk mail that starts out: “We know you are the kind of man who appreciates ine Gx the value of a well-made $300 suit, which is why this offer is being sent to ‘men like you!”” Well, we wonder what other goofs are being made because of . . L MAILING LISTS WRITER: o1CK DE BARTOLO fice Seo Dear Discersig Homemaker: = Dear Business Executive: Ton't it time that a busy san Like yo nissing those important arter-how iments and business meetings because your secretary can't be at your side 24 hours a day? Dear Householder: Ws an unpleasant thought, but what if a fre were to ‘wipe you out tonight? Just fake a look around you. What if everything you owed were reduced to ashes? Could you survive such a catastrophe? "Mutual Fre Insurance” PPro Dear Fellow American: Tired of being screwed by your government-the people who you helped elect? Well, now you can join thousands of your fellow citizens in an attempt to clean up the mess in Washington and bring honesty and integrity back to gov- se ea AN EYE FOR AN “I" DEPT. Are you a doormat for the whole world to step on? Do friends walk away while you're talkirig? Are you credited with inventing the yawn? Are you introduced to people as “Mr. What’s's-Name”? Then you need help. And we don’t mean the kind of help that everyone else has offered you in the MAD IMAG HIGH-CLASS BOOK COVERS Carrying highly-intellectual books onto buses, trains and book jackets slip easily over those trashy books you love planes will make people admire and respect you. However, _and understand...and other passengers will lok with awe such books are almost impossible to read. But these at how absorbed you are in reading such classy literature. 246 ees MURDERS | eR elsLY ADANE GREEK ‘PHILOSOPHY | sy NIK DEGRnCK | . ais: V.LP. BUSINESS CARDS THE “FANTASTIC STUDENT” PLOY You can make yourself into anything you want with busi- If you want a really effective image booster, merely take ness cards, and the people yougive them to willshoweryou ‘course in aschool subject that you're already thorough- with ego-gratifying attention, Later, if they chance to call ly expert in, without letting on that you are. ‘The respect, youat your office,” they'll find out the truth, but so what?! and admiration you get will make you feel just marvelous. By then, you'll be working your card trickon someone else. a AE" past . . . like suggesting that you become “educated,” or “talented,” or “more interesting.” We know that’s impossible for you. But there is a practical way to make you appear terrific without changing that simple- minded clod you've always been. Just try these sure-fire guaranteed . . . -BUILDERS THE “TOUGH CROSSWORD PUZZLE” GAMBIT When sitting next tosomeone while traveling, tear The New York Times puzzle out and start filing it in very quickly with apen. To your donein less th change!” and angrily crumple it into a ball and discard it. Your fellow passenger will be unbelievably impressed, and, never know you filled the puzzle in with absolute nonsense. Millionsof TV -owners now own “Poni Unfortunately,some jocks are hard to be because they do nothing but hang arout ing on coin-operated ones. With this electronic cheater, transmitter, you improve your image and win every time Frnay view or cvzaTen ransom roster | in brtom spasseo,orrowenT's Sona TOTALY REVERSED, WOE DRIVES ARTIST & WRITER: AL JAFFE WRONG-WAY TWIST-OFF JAR TOPS ‘These jars and jar tops have left-handed threads. That i, al. When you're or two of these ore ‘young thing vill ry to open one and fail, Next, she'll ask some jock to try, and to everyone's amazement, he too will fall down exhausted with the unopened jar. Then, to every- rt jar effortlessly. ment, placed in your car, will do the trick. Merely lftreceiver,and hold important-sounding business conversations whilepeople arewatching Andifyouwantto, impress them more, a hook-up to car's cigarette lighter can make phone ring when you touch a secret switch, FANTASTIC DISPLAY OF STRENGTH When you offer this spring-stretcher to a jock, he cannot ‘budge it. But when you take it, you stretch it out a mile, Secret lies in middle rubber tube, which contains a steel cable that you can release by pushing a button in handle. When stretcher is relaxed once more, cable automatically Jocks into position. Thus, when you hand stretcher back to, the jock, he goes crazy again with shame and frustration. Ah see, caste HERO AWARDS A sure-fire way to improve your image is to be a hero. But how many of us ever get the chance to be one? And evenif, ‘we got that chance, howmany of us would have the courage to act? Well, with a simple, high-sounding citation, all these problems are solved, and so you become ahero instantly. HERO PUN eae) PR Er eg at ty Paar a) Pe REN ET aad Payee eth) MAIN STREET AND RESCUE FIVE (rename tec eG Pore eyes. THE SOCIETY Cysts) Rome tee ey Rite neon es THE SPEED-READING EXHIBITION Before boardinga bus, train or plane,read a copy of ime or other popular magazine thoroughly: Then, when you're on, board and sitting next toa stranger, ask the Stewardess fora, copy of that same magazine. Next, pretend to read it by running your finger down each page at the rate of one a second. Then, hand the magazine over to your neighbor,and, recommend several articles in detail. To his (or her) utter amazement, your facts will be correct, and he will believe that you can actually read faster than is humanly possible. FRAMED NEWSPAPER STORIES People will believe anything they seein print and almost anyprinter can produce facsimile newspaper story for you at anominal charge. Framed and placed in den or office, a, ews story about you can add immeasurably to your prestige, and no one will ever question its authenticity ‘Blasbington Post PRES. CARTER HOSTS OLD FRIENDS AT WHITE HOUSE STATUS TRASH A terrific image-builder is to let your neighbors know that put out. By collecting an assortment of impressive cartons, yerycanalford the best of everything. One surefire way of andplacing them ouside our home on ‘trash pick-up days, letting those nosey creeps know is by the kind of trash you you will elevate yourself fo top dog in your neighborhood. EXOTIC LUGGAGE LABELS PHONY “FOIL” BEER CAN ‘A.well-traveled person is always envied and admired.So no Have you ever watched some gorilla crush an empty beer, matter where you go, even if its just to visit your Aunt ‘can while girls look on in awe and admiration? Well ...now May for a weekend, if you carry a heavily-labeled suit. you can show himup! Miter drinking from “real” can, switch, ‘case, people will look at you with envy and admiration. itwith phony “foil” can, neatly crumple phony into tiny ball and calmly toss it away. Your resultant image is fantastic. : ; Ly WELL-WORN SAFARI JACKET ASafari Jacket is always associated with macho adventure. ‘To heighten the effect, jacket should look beat up, as if ‘wearer has been throught hell in the jungles of Africa. And, ‘wearing an eyepatch will add immeasurably to your image. USED PARTS DEF With organ transplants becoming increasingly commonplace these days, many people now carry “Donor Cards” authorizing the use of their anatomical parts upon their deaths. ew BO amar ty Organ Donor Card JOHNNY CARSON Thereby bequeath my the UCLA y usable organs to Medical Center, unless lie on a Monday, in which case my ‘guest donor” will discharge these responsibilities; oo. Tie on a Tuesday, wh I when only my vital organs— “The Best Of Carson shell be teresa? .-President eran ‘ ng that: ‘estate is nO! ) MF sition dollars § work television GENERAL HOSPITAL a Donor Certificate MUHAMMAD ALI {FI seem deceased, reset overnight “Cause | just may return Cape ne more nal fight! { donate all my onfans to worthy donees Just one thing | ask, and that i 10. please— ving i made ony ttre by insu TY People, af Lope, Share wilting Blacks, ie tople aid We, Shor People Baths, Oren, nd eer cena oP, cae Ral Pie ti ny Organs to an ae in Bes any mem Weapon THE ROONE ARLEDGE MEDICAL FACILITY AND TV SPORTS INFORNATION CENTER Organ Donor Card HOWARD COSELL at more murals ration ta hs ge 2 a re gar w the pores er Saal ed Te omen te sy ey rg te hed my moral al ed come een pari ti non iat i rer tae autor Tae (Continued on the other side) TOMIZED OREAW DOW ut what about the famous (or infamous) people of the world, who might want certain “modifications” to their donations? MAD speculates on these “restrictions” with . . . FOR SOME VERY SPECIAL DONORS MILLIONAIRE: : SH OF BEVERLY TH gTAL In accordance successfily decree th pun-off recipient and featured. y T¥e utilized cath, my usable orgie) red individually in iyaey ‘med worthy 2 eecciaer Mevaain oe eerie WRITER: DENIS SNEE ORGAN DONOR CARD RALPH NADER ; ody & bodily organs UPOM thereby relinquish my body & BOTT ical science. tay death" for the purposes ind rec Gisposed ot pers ty fh have been Sindings and statement *assuming ayy Car Tother, U;; PIRST ae A jans may be. First That his vital org, flammable. digestive MORE MAD CAN OF HISTORICA Tr is Se oe ats WM. SHAKESPEARE SHOWS HIS CONTEMPT bio Tae ea el ied ee oe ca ac) DID SNAPSHOTS. L CELEBRITIES _ rl Raa Le ec ee PUT t oR eo ogee eee ayy a “MASH” MURDERER DEPT. ‘There’s a new “Doctor” show on the tube, filled with those recurring cliches we all know so well from Marcus Welby, Ben Casey, Dr. Kildare, General Hospital and so on, and so on, and so on. F’rinstance, the Young “Hip” Doctor who’s loved by his patients, distrusted by the hospital administration, and groomed by the Net- work for his own series. Or the Childishly Confused Nurse who would be a genius if boobs contained brains. Or the Doctor Who Lives For Money, knows nothing about Medicine, and wants all his patients to treat him like God; in short, the only ‘True-To-Life Character in this medical fantasy. We're talking, of course, about CRAPPER JOHN, M.D. ARTIST: JACK DAVIS WRITER: STAN HART (Crapper, how wm And yous Then pa see! Gut Which is ‘Do yousee them? gm HOW jm You mean, he didyou get ‘pisyed Mf you PB wayneciane A a spin-on fntothis, himin [played fromthe No! My Dad isout wWseriest! the” fm himin (OME, hustling dog food movie? the TV tous YOU ff end making cutesy iaeiancter Series? cats" Phcome from? [| Nature films! And rapper John MA No , DeWayne PPE my Brother Joe s ‘asoriinally Donald starinit?_ |p| 'eome trom] living witha big anold family in alte ter LI estab house on some God did! |TV family! JB forsaken prairie! Thenk youl Er... who chose [Poses art sage 9 Sewn bg = |)/|/) INTENSIVE AU re t e CARE UNIT Bont Tien || [Batwoonycoondme) | Na but we f=! Wl, in "Gop Shon" ey caer ‘e arses antes" || | paauivey Fai ven ntemem ti es oneal) | tna piotacr | |"Seetea” [| toantourty having oaene Williams! him Dr. Williams prob: things .. It CAR CHASES! In “Medical EU] uesesrate cA er shawn! wade oni te =| have lost his || the patient was out of the [| funeral awhole hour show?! or-Death Rides” on GURNEYS! Hi: | Menmacnest || ns reve sare st ff conea] <2 Rear = x T V ‘Crapper... don'tyou feel dumb, talking down to that movie ‘camera on the Gurney? ‘your being such a SLOB! Your at is a month old, your hair is shed and your nails are filthy! ‘About tak You DONTiret || inoue sH00K | pL Eanes wishin Tes my “natura” approach edie! By ‘dont wantto okie some ight b ning authority igure on a pedestal! I want to give my patients confi Ea toda a complete physical examination! f creep want you" — al_tb eee} You were probably performing J Miss ‘Oh, Crapper, stop taking everything so seriously! Why not lighten up and enjoy life like me! ‘And the one patient that DID sur- E [He ivesin that mobile | home! He thinks takes ff | "are going to kl kim nim took ool and clever! |: | beforethe season's over! Fave you ever notices ‘Nomatter how =| Wel she thatallpatonts in| [One ting? ] | peor vey sve is medial showshave_| |Angwnate | | “ey althave your ane thing in commontt || | | rvate rooms: Mother Pav T Mother prays for my ‘speedy recovery ev- fry single night! OTT 8 = { ve been look ‘et that Jaa |). ing attover tor |] [The kid was nervous, Ja] was a REAL Jil! "| you, Bonzo! Where ||| co' stayed awake al | | ‘COMFORT i beent? || | night, watching ‘tohim! Unfortunately... it's not mueh Hamm! ve You only have a ‘got some | Dua Fie | | 2050 chance ct [Sl arathe Jf cecorae, | [olen | [Petes | | ene a [ae et bad news! Ge I) comfort to your other patients! Don't you understand?! Whe! (Get a grip on yourself! know {you aperate on him, you'l you can doit, Williams! Take ‘get back all your eonfidence, £ [i my word for it! You can do it ‘and you'll realize that you are a successful surgeon! ‘Crapper, why not use ‘that new anesthesia we developed?! I's better than sodium entathol orethert_ IN while at the Crapper must operate ff same time, he must ei ‘save a desperatoly ttle boy who has lost tne wil Ofte ate mhere 12" ff toive because peopiearelochadin ff Ms parents are i ‘uthouto settings dorcel [dae oe Se A BASKET CASE HIGH UP ON THE 37" FLOOR | c canes oo HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS =i For years, one common form of pollution has been accepted as merely annoying and disgusting. But recently, it has been reclassified as dangerous to us all. To find out what this lethal form of pollution is, fold in the page as shown at right. FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT “es Fou BACK S0°A" MEETS 8" ila, we, ae SMOLDERING FLAMES AND TOXIC FUMES ARE STINKERS omvsTSSS7"" EXHAUSTING OUR AIR, BUT ONE POLLUTION IS DEALING A FATAL BLOW TO LOTS OF LIVING THINGS. 4B AD i F PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL