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REAL ADVERTISEMENT- If your losing ea is becoming away of life YOURE iN NLUCK! es 4 He Presenting t the Mad anes to wi, tir ee NUMBER 219 DECEMBER 1980 VITAL “LITTLE : ‘STARLINGS” “After listening to all the campaign speeches, is easy to (AMAD_ see:why they call Politics ‘the most promising of careers” Movie “Alfred E. Neuman Satire) Pg.4 WILLIAM M.GAINES publisier ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor LEONARD BRENNER production NICK MEGLIN associate editors JACK ALBERT tus GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MOREL, DAVID FRAZIER subscriptions ‘CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS ‘he usual gang of iiots DEPARTMENTS BACKFIRE-CRACKERS DEPARTMENT ‘Are You Happy Now... .... BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side . CRASHING BORES DEPARTMENT “The Dopes Of Haphazzard” (A MAD TV Show Satire) DECADE-DENSE DEPARTMENT MARTIN The Wonderful Seventies ...... LOOKS aT HOSE JOB DEPARTMENT Don Martin Looks At Firemen Don Martin Takes Another Look At Firemen JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT ‘Spy Vs. Spy rei LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail LORETTA LYNN-A-MINT DEPARTMENT “The Gold-Mining Daughter" (A MAD Movie Satire) MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT “Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragonés OUTTA SIGHT! DEPARTMENT. A MAD Exposé Of Some Phone-y Baloney RETURN ENRAGEMENT DEPARTMENT ‘More Wait Untii You Get Home And Find pose: ‘THE FAHRENHEIT OF ABSURDITY DEPARTMENT (OF SOME ‘The MAD Thermometer one ‘TURNING DOWN THE VOLUME DEPARTMENT Pg.38 The Worst-Selling Books Of The Year VIRGIN TERRITORY DEPARTMENT. “Little ‘Star'iings” (A MAD Movie Satire) **Various Places Around The Magazine ieee eerily came crgiens FEATURES GOLD-MINING DAUGHTER" (Another MAD ‘Movie Satire) EVER HAVE REAL EQUAL RIGHTS “THE DOPES,OF HAPHAZZARD” (AMAD TV Show Satire) Pg.42 WHY KILL YOURSELF? JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUE AT THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO ‘AND HAVE IT MAILED TO YOUR HOME! use coupon or duplicat MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 Tenclose $12.00*. Enter my name on your subscription list, and mail me the next 16 issues of MAD Magazine, NAME ADDRESS om STATE: ZIP. bea ee rats ra amit ee artes Sear cere FOO ete te te de GSO% OFF! FIO III III soe er $0583 oe 6.78 a 8 ts BA, Ee uate rename nt 10028 LETTERS DEPT. ALFRED E. NEUMAN’S ELEVATOR Regarding your uplifting cover, can you tell me how Alfred E. Neuman ran his elevator without running into the other elevator? Randy Melon San Jose, Calif On alternating current Ed, STAR BLECCH, THE MOVIE? Your satire of "Star Trek” is justified by the face thee if all the special effecs seen in the movie were minimized, or left ‘out, there wouldn't be any movie. What ig the sigaificance of the upside down Gene Roddenberry? Is ic to illustrate the direction he felt the movie was «aking? ‘Katherine Ebron Payerteville, N.C “Thank!” More Drucker and Dick De Bartolo; from a Trekkie who did notice Gene Roddenberry upside down! ‘David I. Vogler Centerville, Mass. enjoyed "Star Blecch” very much ‘There was, however, one minor tro. ‘Twice ten to the sixth power is not ten to the owelfth power. Iris ten to the eighth power. Ten to the ewelfth power is ten ro the sixth power times ten to the sixth ‘power of ten to the sixth power squared. ‘Scuart Rankin Kelsey, Calif No doube several others have writen to you about this, bat let me add my kvetching anyway. In "Star Bleceh”, you hhave Spook observe that ic is a new arc form wherein the special effects are more interesting than the rest of the movie. Wrong! Irwin Allen has been doing it for years, LB.Pos Philadelphia, Pa FAMOUS FAMILY ALBUM REJECTS Farrah-Faweet's “exploitation shot” was definitely an over-exposure. But 1 marvel at the way Paul Peter Porges and Harry North depicted F-F as an infant. 1 knew i was the, even before reading the caption, David Lohnes Pekia,Iiaois PAGING DON EDWING. ‘Who the hell is Don Edwing? Don Edwing is clever artist. writer who has been (mainly) wrting for us for years! We felt that our readers would enjoy his a¢t work os well, Dn is also welling and drow. ing his own paperback for us, now in prep eration, “Don Edwing’s MAD Bizerre Bo- oor" HE ‘MAD LAWS, SECOND EDITION Paul Coker and Frank Jacobs stormed back with "MAD Laws, Second Edition”. Bur how about The Express Lane Con. stant? You cin be stuck behind one per. son checking out 14 separate items, or be stuck behind 14 separate patrons check ing out one item each. Jon Phillips Nashville, Tena, Speaking of "MAD Laws", how about No matter how carly you get to the news stand, somebody else bus already done the Fold-In of the fist MAD you pick up. Gilbert Lanathous Chino, Calif In “MAD Laws” you forgot The Down- right Embarrassment Principle: No mac ter how many times you write a sensible ‘comment t0 MAD, ies a dumb lerer like ‘his that makes the Letters Page! Brett Durrete Pleasanton, Calif ELECTION YEAR JABBERWOCKY Snarlehunters Angelo Torres and Frank. Jacobs did Lewis Carroll proud swith "Election Your Jabberwocky’! Of course, “Through The Looking-Glass” ‘would have been an appropriate serting, 100, asthe majority of presidential candi dates in the article augur at least four years more bad luck forthe country ‘Arthuz Greenwald Pixsburgh, Pa [MORE MAD ESP! ‘Once again, MAD scores with its un- canny ESP! Your #209 back cover accu taely predicted President Carter's embar- rassment over Brother Bill's "Libya" mess. ‘Score Croland ‘New York City YEARBOOK FOR AVERAGE CLODS As a dedicated teacher of History, 1 must make one cortection on your Mill: ard Fillmore information. He was the "Know-Nothing Party” presidential can- didate in, 1856 and noe in 1865 (when ‘there was no presidential election )! John Valori Lancaster, a. ‘Shows you what a “Know-Nothing!” he wos! med MARTIN LOOKS AT THE LONE RANGER ‘The Lone Ranger” had horse sense, horse laughs, and horse power! Lets see more of Don's whionying ways. Erin Yeonne La Arcadia, Calif 1 got a kick out of Silver, and Tonto was drawn with great injunuity! Tommy Casale Brooklyn, N.Y. Silver Outranges The Lone Ranger Silver ran away with “Don Martin Looks At The Lone Ranger”; hooves down! Sasan S. Shulman New York, N'Y. ASNAPPY ANSWERS CLASSIC? 1 went overboard "Fishing Incident"! That b inhis Snappy Answers Hallo Charles David Haskell New York, NY (CONGRESSIONAL MEDAL OF DISHONOR Al Jaffee’ “The Congressional Medal (f Dishoaor, “our Nation's lowest award robe mailed to your deserving legislator”, is a fantastic back cover privilege. Us: fortunately, ic would cost me around $375.00 in MAD issues to. distribute them to all who ate really deserving of this award Ronny Thomas Burbank, Calif Pieoie Address All Correspondence To MAD, Dept. 218, 485 MADizon Avenve New York, T0022 LET US PUT YOU IN DOUBLE JEOPARDY! Mainly, Here’s Two Chances To Die Laughing! You can on these great old RAAID collectors items original poison! EITHER WAY YOU'LL BE STIFFED-AND WE MAKE A KILLING (On Sale At Your Favorite Book Stand . use coupon or duy Or Yours By Mail!) [A> aa . ADDRESS. 485 MADison Avenue Crry New York, N.Y. 10022 STATE. zip PLEASE THE MAD THE ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THE sexo (-] SURVIVAL ["] UNCENSORED tier ipionIC MAD BOOKS ‘ME HANDBOOK MAD THAVE CHECKED BELOW. (OTe MAD Samper cy The Cuckoo MAD {Si More AFEE Snappy Anan ‘Wt Wot ete, MAD. The een MAD [LAL AFFEE MAD Ives Raving MAD CANAD Sranble {Ud ater AFEESapy Answers bot aD (Snag Mao Cl Arepone's n MAD We Tat Covestenable MAD] MAD vats {1 agones's MAD a he Doi ‘DHowting MAD [MAD Clowns Around Aragones'sincuraly MAD. {Che Indgestile MAD [The MAD Treasure Chest {Cliagones' Shoot MAD CD Borning MAD CUMAD Sucks: CL MAD About Sports God wad Soper MAD LMAO Taig Stamps Hoping MAD {Tae Abominable Snow MAD {1 Te MAD umble Book {1 ThePorable MAD C)MAD Aout he Buoy (Mor MAD Abt Sports MAO Pover COMAD For Keke MAD rourd te Wor {The ity O14 MD DON MARTIN series On Pottely nAD ClPolyunsaturated MAD [") DOW MARTIN Steps Further Out COMAD Look at the Future {The eceed MAD DOM MARTIN Forges ad {MAD rae ore Primer {Te Nonvilet MADE] DON MARTIN digs Dozer {MAD ae st Book The Rip-Of MAD CODAVE BERG Looks at Living MAD Book of Revenge Che Token MAD DAVE BERG Looks Around COMAD Guide to Careers {The Pocket MAD DAVE BER Loring Look {Mistry Gone a (he vise MAD) DAVE BERG Loks iste & Lavghs [The MAD Wry Book (Or. Jekyll & Mr. MAD >) 4th MAD Classified SPY vs, SPY COMAD Stew £5 Steaning MAD {St MND Report on Soy ve Spy) The Sound of MAD EMkO at You COAMAD Look st TV MAO'S Tare On Zo0 aTheVirtaze MAD ELAMAD Gide to SetnprovmentC) lds! Letters to MAD (DMccked on MAD” CJALIAFFEPS Montenties {WA Book fetes eiiefeccesh | ENCLOSESI.50 FOR EACH rg aig ha USA. be Tee or or Money Oder peered (Minimum Order: $4.50) ‘Se weoks fe der. VIRGIN TERRITORY DEPT, You get twice as much for your money . . . garbage, that is! Recently, there was a film about two teenage girls in a Summer 10 would lose ers were racing to lose their innocence, we were racing to find the exit! We won't tell you who lost what... we only know that we lost 4 hard-earned bucks, paying to see some sexy ‘Get ready TRAINING for camp! diaphrams?? don't believe it in THis picture, on the road! | think F've =r : is- a See ee my Abestu, Writes iene eb L[ Hetto, poor kid trom Pf Writ biow the slums! 'm Fert cigarette ‘spoled rch ki! 1 |] “you |] smoke in Gant sit next to ‘otar lings ‘Okay, | want Yo Introduce you toa couple of ‘things! First, your BUNKMATES! We've gather. your ugly you and establish 2 — competitive relation. |] ‘Hmmm! Maybe |p] ship that will Keep. find the plot rolling ‘And now, Faiiketointro. UE Yes Guce you to the PLOT. I she wit bet this $100 royalty check |} lose her that before the Summer ends, || _ virginity! [ [Fert wil become s wamant [Hota we what |[~ why not make Can'tany of youkids | | about ANGLE? || 2 contest? After, believe this premise? Pl bet SHE could become Sure, we believe it! “a woman be: You But the Studio tols fore Fert! Gegoshit Youmean...? || mean...? it ‘Okay, acontest | [ Tibet wont att rarat | [bucks on Ange! vs. Ane! Who ver loses her innocence fret ‘wins! Get your Bets down! ect ‘id of my MOOD. fg RING ard my PET ROCK? You ‘make me do that ‘and il start STREAKING! S if tre contests now OFFICIALLY fl on N fi. iS with a HUMAN With @ HUMAN E rit found her guy at Po 1 Potrz0 High School ‘Okay, handsome! You can ‘and now, fere comes mine! He's 2 Use the Men's Room now! | got everything: the cocky swagger ot a James. oyish good looks of @ Donny Osmond anc the body of a John Travolta think il eheck him out! ‘Okay, that's enough smal talk Let's make out! We're finished with it We got what we came for! | P what king of |. [ m2 FRENCH arithmetic |} teacher, nota | MATH teachert Bl Hey, gocc-ioonnet fy what in heckwas LI 6-But.. . condominiums going on in there. 2) and we ripped off some [| | guess condominiums so well || sex is beprepared forsex! || goingto hurt more than we ‘are huge BUILDINGS!" || thought! We broke into the place Goons] Wastin “The We havent done [fbx anything all pie- Youre night wn ‘Moses ture, why start fl This scene 1S ‘and the Israel now?! Besides strangely ites started this is the similar to one throwing food funniest scene fin another fm! atthe Egyptian inthemoviet WE cut wnien oner firstborn? i a” carer ieee oc Roreseerer Te =) Se youwrite fil with everyone? The || ‘Sis, and they're real |f come Ferrit is film, Campers ‘side! If they're abel cere re Lowrster | | Sasataevases “rar py ane got alot ofmoney ][ she's © That's ff HELPME. ..1 Is this for ve t1San ricingon this contest! ff starting (J rane! gb. cub! unusual fo Theat Angie is moving || foreplay ff She's] HELPii neea ‘ou “he salary ‘non Ponty tonight! is $3500 or Ferri beter seve resusettation! the Summer! ‘quicx A cio pln ‘Hevmmmmmmt But, hey What do om wing vyoutnni? {OPAY [ee Yinow Tort think we can Tmaytaik [] handle what's ahead! We tough, but || may embarrass ourselves! "You mean forthe up- Tonight's the coming "SEX scenes”?! Tmseared! || You're right if only we ‘Shirley MacLaine! ‘Ovay, we'll get un- dressed slowly, each taking off one thing! You take off your bras ‘and ll take the pack of cigarettes, Sout of my sleeve! deep down, “Sex scenes” we ha were Anne Baneraft and || —fuldialogue” where we're in deep trouble! Hey if: d] my BODY!! fee} Tmake it together, ean Ranty! Get in 1 smoth- eritwith iS (ON ‘Not HERE, ignt we're gonna [If Okay! Stow the oars and] | Stupid! ‘stick your legs in the ‘NOT ‘oariocks, and I'l HERE! Then turn off the MOON... ‘im getting RUSTRATED! "Vknow, there aro NAMES for Well I'm about t lose my Innocence ‘and win the contest! But... wil really be winning??? When you think bout itm actually LOSING more ” than mn GAINING! think Fite aak or the gids DIDN'T That way. i= ls favor? WILL YOU STOP TALKING ALREADY?!” EI WHAT?” [cosh wove teenagers sure have (CHANGED. day, Polly ‘Why, for years, OUR Put ona show!” But “THESE kids really. || Show, but OURS DID put onashow_|f w2s.2!0 4 FAINING! LORETTA LYNN-A-MINT DEPT. Do rags to riches movies make you sick? Here’s one about. a Kentucky back-hills girl who becomes a multi-millionaire! In fact, she ends up with all the cash in Country- Western Musie—except Johnny! A coal-miner’s daughter, she tums out to be the... GHTER = Here y'are for you, Mammi Dadey, {=| Thats | [Tecan ] [Who'sthe Fyeetween 1 tean | [ Thats Don't think sso [Teutwore ]|_areatt || crwe | | eraxyarr | |nimana|] uy sissy | [isshe || so! Pict bleak and || “making. this toretty?| | that, | | spacey. || gonna | | calls for doprossin’ |} progress! |,[~ Not || Jeep | |” Doodiing herand {| “tivin'io’ |] They use [I] realy: Lint! He's | [No acoal || installed hereto” LI between town ike |} ‘Surfirst (>) establish a F] him and. marry and Butcher |] pedestrian |/ raretove || his onve toa squalor! || "Signal! interest! | | Jeep! ‘ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER. Gee, times sure ] | CLOTHES? ‘are tough! This || Thisis our isourelothes. || FOOD for forthe Wintert | | the Winter ‘WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN Uoretty, F When's the py vim fizin’ [F~Daday caine J|_right time? tomarry |] stand yor guts, f the best time! I's ‘the FUNNIEST time! il work re FEW years, ich ange serounging iy Sir, | want ¥ marry Loretty! | promise atleast for a at hard tillshe becomes famous and ‘an stare ‘oft her! nd isto see nor hurt! Tow yonbe SI Tait ean wel ood, ioretor [] "Wuniinie. fo] one ReAc soon Were one tonsandwnat || ies trough tis pire Arvautare || ‘covoueett’ |i] snstesusence dnt py Care-baceyt || snomeraay Wi goodmtnay' neers {| Sthaneefor’ |i) aiger’-s end, |bntSee wares * New eo | My one oware mill Soveyderemeneen NY] “cies ntsc” [JP inataonses me NY coal mines?” like @ SONG! ae ‘Well, SOMEBODY better do we FOUND someth "think you better get a NEW (OBBYII He ultart TT, Lorettyl You A] told me that would bea |] real funny scene! We're F] ‘gettin’ the heck out of here and movin’ to the Fallin’ into Some- || tmace J | thier, And Hope || big ts Only Love"! || mistake, ‘giving (Oh, 'm tal’ n- || era tosometnin’, and...| | eheicet Tent your record of “Honky Tonk Tootsie”, along with a pieture, 0-300 country dise jockeys! They! sit Lup and take notice! ‘Cause i's a picture ‘of DOLLY PARTON record is number 14 nationwide! Jockey??? Ti Teant Jf TOLD you.toretoT] [1 wanteaY meet Thadoneofthose steve |l were on curmay...| | \ourtoney ‘ypleal County. suntupteStaRoow!| | Yecsuse thea wetter accent! | ne becom : Now tots meet o newcomer what do ]]9290s"] | Simost a ie 0 a |[No..-ay |p The to || aioo Grand Ole Opry Her fist uean happened tf) 200, cords number ia ‘We Jeep happened [| crash || set om met WO fn Here is MISS LORETTY LINTI Bein a Dig {Ladies and Gentlemen... the ‘Queen of Country Music. MISS LORETTY LINT. 3 PES XE» ''% Folie... lets welcome the First Lady of Country Music MISS LORETTY LINT Hold me... thrill me... then wake me up to do the chores! sof - a ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, the gal you've been ‘Don't come home adrinkin” with bowling on your mind! Hels Fire, Lorety You tre probably ne ienest_[P Doo i [= things [Fie Jewew- I Seunt MORE et Sammy H than nomes H Dave STILL Wass more tf thon oO! having 2 NERVOUS BREAKDOWN? PNG Your career in 2'short minutes] MONTAGE DISEASE! HOSE JOB DEPT, PARTI me CEI von ae We FIREMEN “led with mildew! | —=[ Clean out this hosel a = At control on the g 38th floor! De something! 4 KR ie het = a C ARE YOU HAPPY NOW . > fake up the violin it so much, he won't ditching the goon she was dati she's going with an even bigger schmuck? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW Val that the Superstar your team paid thalé a million, to win the pennant, has 16 finally united the team—against him? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW... that you got your boyfriend to a shri blem . .. and the Solution is that ARE YOU HAPPY NOW... take religion”. . . and he’ become @ fanatic in some weird cult? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW... — ks ARTIST: PAUL COKER ARE YOU HAPPY NOW... = that you've worked hard and iy ‘amassed all the money. you'll teed . and you're too old io enjoy it? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW is that you succeeded in losing those 40 pounds -.- and replacing your entire wardrobe is gonna cost you four grand? ‘WRITER: FRANK JACOBS ARE YOU HAPPY NOW. that you've managed 10 k Hite for you has become tis ARE YOU HAPPY NOW... that the political party inas been voted out .. . and the Winner you supported is doubling your taxes? OOOO ARE YOU HAPPY NOW... that you. persuaded join a “Swinging Couple ‘and she loves it ARE YOU HAPPY NOW... that you finally made a small profit ‘on that stock you held for years and inflation bas. wip the gain? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW... aa that you've finally turnei you're allowed to see those ‘movies ... and you find them a DECADE-DENSE DEPT. One of the most popular pastimes in this country today is “nostalgia.” People seem to enjoy reminiscing about the past. And the largest group of reminiscers is the “‘over-30" crowd. Naturally, they're forever taking fond backward looks at the decades they grew up in... the '40’s and ‘50's. Which is pretty boring for you people who weren't even born then. But it got us to thinking, and it suddenly hit us that there's a 50: that some of you teenagers out there may get to be “over 30” yourselves someday, and you'll be doing your own reminiscing about the decade you grew up in. So le! just project ourselves into the future, and see what “nostalgia” will be like . . . with Saad (= A os THOSE WONDERFUL SEVENTIES! eda. eAI) BACKWARD LOOK ATA WARM AND WONDERFUL DECADE silly Nuke plants they used to build? Well, here we are in the year 2000, full of memories and nostalgia, How many of you can still remember way back to those wild, wonderful, wacky 1970's? What a decade that was! Ready for a trip down Memory Lane? ‘Ah memories . . . Who recalls that kooky bunch of scientists we had back in those days? Remember all those crazy fads they started? Anyone still remember nu- clear power? Who recalls those silly nuke plants they used to build? And those screwy radiation leaks? Who remembers Three Mile Island in Pennsylvania? Who remembers Pennsylvania? What a fun state. We don't know about you, but we sure miss it. We also miss Vir ginia, West Virginia, and both Carolinas. Somchow New York still seems kind of funny, sitting out there on top of Georgia. Memories. . . memories Hey, what about the other goofy things those scientists used to come up with back then? Was it really more than 20 years ago that all of us were giggling at stuff like PCB's, dioxins, and fluorocarbons? It seems like only yesterday. Come to think of it, it was yesterday that people still died laughing because of it. Fun? It just never seemed to stop. Who recalls the great religious revival back in the 70's? Remember how Catholics once again returned to their priests. And the priests, bishops, and cardinals had ‘a new respect for the Pope? And the Pope—and every’ one else in the world—sought guidance and eternal sal vation from the one Power that supersedes all others on Heaven and Earth—the Oilmen! Weren't those Oilmen something else? Remember no matter how depressed or down in the dumps we used to be, it was always April Fool's Day, Halloween, and ‘New Year's Eve all rolled up into one for those lovable nuts? Remember how, just when we thought we would never be able to drive again, they lifted our spirits, in- creased our morale, and raised their prices? Remember that time back in the 70’s when gasoline prices shot up over 100% and played havoc with the economy and sent the cost of living through the roof. What a day that was! Hey, who recalls “gas-guzzlers” and those long lines at the gas stations? Remember how it all started in California and pretty soon people were lining up in New York? Remember how everyone laughed when people in New York discovered they were really lined up for gas stations in California? There was just no end to the fun, Who still recalls “odd and even?” Remember how you checked the last number on your license plate with the day of the month before you got gas. Remember the time 150 motorists with the wrong plates were killed trying to sneak in on line? Now that was an odd day! Remember the unisex look of the 60's, when men looked like women and women looked like men? Well, all that changed. In the 70’s men were women and women were men! How's that for progress? Remember how everyone was coming out of the closet? Which was just as well. Remember what used to go on inside the closet? Boy, how the good times rolled. Who remembers skateboards and ten-speed bikes? What about those sappy mod roller skates with the rubber wheels? They never made a sound. Until you ‘went head-on into a passing old lady. Then man, what a racket those teeth and eye-glasses made when they hit the sidewalk! Why don’t we have fun like that any- more? What’s happened to us? Who remembers those hilarious rear bumper stickers? ‘And what about those even funnier T-shirt messages girls used to wear actoss their from bumpers? Remem- ber “Good And Plenty? Which led to “There’s Gold In Them Thar Hills!” Which led to “Welcome To Mt. Rushmore!” Which led to rape, and a thousand and one other daffy, madcap fads of that irresistible era Do you still recall all those popular expressions of the decade? Like “mellow” and “laid-back” and “macho?” Remember all those macho characters of the time? Burt ‘Reynolds, Frank Sinatra, Muhammad Ali, Bella Abzug? What about “Women’s Lib?” Remember those great champions of the female image —Jane Fonda, Gloria Steinem, Alice Cooper? Who remembers trial marriages? Trial divorces? Trial kids? And who will ever forget those test-tube babies who grew up and sang songs like, “I Want A Girl Just Like ‘The Girl Who Married A’ Dear Old Syringe?” Memories... memories We sure had some great comedians in the 70's, Re- member Steve Martin, Bob Hope, Woody Allen? And what about those super comedy teams like Rowan and ‘Martin, the Captain and Tennille, and the funniest of them all—Nixon and Agnew? Remember their hilarious take-off on the old Abbott and Costello routine, “Who's On First?” Only they called it, “Who's In Jail?” Remem- ber the boffo punch-line to their routine? “I am not a crook!” It nearly brought down the House! And it broke up the Senate, too! ‘Remember how Nixon formed a new comedy act with another great performer, Jolly Gerry Ford? Remember how we all howled when old Ger’ tried to walk and ‘chew gum at the same time? Remember the screamingly funny song in their act? “Pardon Me, Boy, It's Just A Matter Of A Boo-Boo!” They don't write "em like that JAnd then Nixon formed a new comedy act with Jolly Jerry. in Who recalls 10-speed bikes and sappy mod roller skates? And what about all those hilarious rear bumper stickers? a sa M6 s ¥, Ly Aver DEM AS « SEN CHAS OSL ES eeseatin Wi, ‘f MELE 8s Who remembers those great champions of the female image? ‘And then came Jimmy Carter and his fun-loving menagerie. travel was really something back in those crazy ‘70's. 1 forget zany Reverend Moon and his Moonies? Hey, speaking of songs, remember, “Send In ‘The Clowns”? And then along came Jimmy Carter. Remem- ber the menagerie he brought along with him? Remer ber the fun-loving monkey, Billy, and how he always {got out of his cage? The only animal act in history that fed peanuts to the people! Ah, memories ‘We'll say one thing, we sure made incredible progress in the area of crime in the 70's. Yes sir, in those days it was bigger. than ever. Remember a bank robbery back then? You really took your life in your hands when you entered a bank. And once you recovered from those ridiculously high loan interest rates, you had to worry about the other robbers—with the guns! Remember crime in the streets? Crime in the home? Remember how we used to bolt our windows, double- lock our doors, and buy attack dogs? Rut the landlord still managed to get in to dispossess us when we couldn't pay those outlandish rent increases! Ab, the evergreen residue of a glorious past. Remember sex in the 70's? You do? We don’t even remember it yesterday! ‘There goes that wacky nuclear leak again! Hey, remember how at the end of the decade Playboy and Penthouse ran clear out of new, exciting things to show on the human female form? Who would dream that in 1982 Hugh Hefner would come up with those terrific chest x-rays, fluoroscopes, and proctology reports on his February Playmate, Peppy Pupu? Good old Hef. They don’t make them like him anymore. And considering his age now, he doesn’t make rhem anymore either! ‘Air travel was really something in the 70's. Remem- ber how it took five hours to go from Philadelphia to Los Angeles in a 747? Three hours to go from Patis to New York in an SST? And a minute and a half to g0 from Chicago to Heaven in a DC-10? Those were the days. ‘Hey, who still remembers the nutty airport terrorists? ‘Remember how every time we came up against them, ‘we never knew if we would live or die? Yep, we sure miss those Hare Krishna solicitors! We all recall how Earthmen took over the moon in the (60's, What about the big switch in the 70's when a Moon took over the earth? Will you ever forget zany Rev. Moon and his Moonies? What a sanitary bunch. Every night he would clean out their pockets, and every morn- ing he would wash their brains! Kids sure had interesting career choices back in those days. They could either become rich, successful business men, or else they could be dirty, foul-mouthed, anti- social, vicious animals. And then again they could always join a Punk Rock group and become borh/ Memories ‘memories ‘Anyone still remember tight jeans and “Saturday Night Fever?” What about loose sex and Sunday morn: ing diseases? What ever became of our wonderful past Hey, speaking of films, who remembers “Jaws?” “The Poseidon Adventure?” And that great tear-jerker, “Love Story?” Yes sir, movies were wetter than ever. ‘And still on’ the same subject what about Warner's and Paramount? Newman and Redford? Cheech and ® Chong? Popcorn and kid porn? We sure knew where our children were in those days. Either in the theater or on the screen! And either way we knew exactly what th were doing at all times. Unfortunately! But, hey, this is no time for a long face, right, gang? Onward and up- ward. Think positively about a fabulous decade. Like, how about television? Remember “Three's Company”? “Laverne And Shirley”? “Diffrent Strokes"? And what about the comedy shows? Like “Hawaii 5-0, and, oh God, so many others. Anyone still recall “The Ropers”? Remember that screamingly funny bit about middle-aged Stanley and how rotten he was in bed? Re- member how hard we laughed at that joke? Forty times show... Twenty-four shows a season .. . Twenty-eight reruns a year! Bet you won't forget “60 Minutes,” the show where they discussed important issues of the day like abortion, birth control, and capital punishment, Remember that doctor on it who once spoke out strongly in favor of mercy killing for the incurably ill? Remember how in spite of that, Chuck Barris still lived? Remember how Chuckie-baby came up with this great idea for a weekly series called, “The Gong Show,” in which you got to- gether a group of morons and had them give idiotic per- formances with no point, rhyme, or reason? Remember how he was sued by the producers of “Hello Larry” for stealing their idea? Wow, talk about your crazy times! Remember how in the 70's the men from Nippon pulled another Pearl Harbor and attacked us again? This time with their wallets. Remember how the Japanese started buying up all our real estate? Until the Arabs e along and started buying up all the Japanese! What a bunch of crazy kids we were in those days. We used to get high on grass, stoned on coke, and then we all went to hell on Angel Dust. Until we woke up one day and said, “Hey, if we want to grow up to be adults in an adult world, we have to act like adults!” So we all got bombed on booze! Our parents were sure proud of us— whenever they were sober. Memories . . . memories . Didn't that era produce some wacko characters? R member the big Koolaid bash that irrepressible nut Jim Jones threw for his followers in South America? And what about that carefree sap who used to run Uganda? Remember his slogan for Black Africa: “From the cradle to the grave, with no stops in between, Brought to you, courtesy of Idi Amin,” And what about the PLO and the IRA? Remember them? Remember they came up with this great idea, that the best way to get their Homeland back was to blow it off the map? What a fun era, ‘Ah, memories . . . Where do you start and where do you stop? How we laughed and sang and danced as we ‘wiped up the ground with each other and blew up our cities and destroyed our land and wildlife and polluted our air and ruined our water and did a thousand other loony things. Nothing can ever match that silly, cockeyed decade, right? Wrong! ‘Come around when we reminisce about the 80's! Yes, sir, back in the '70' movies were wetter than ever! ‘HE FAHRENHEIT OF ABSURDITY DEPT. A COLLECTION OF VITAL TEM the minimum the tem- is how much warmer the the average toilet sea jure always is when your iddie Wading Pool always is the average Winter morning, fair conditioner konks out. ‘compared to the Adult pool. 98° yamine vei the difference in the and sunny is always the sais how much cooler the temperature between your first iemperature the day you have ‘wind against your ears feels and second slices of Pizza. to leave a vacation resort. right after a short haircut. 315° “7 Mtr the temperature of s-sis how much colder it s.sis the temperature inside dog's breath whenever he pants always is at the cemetery the sneakers of the winner of ‘over you while you're sleeping. when you attend a funeral. the annual Boston Marathon. suis the average temperature sis how much the water temperature in your shower OF your Doctor's stethoscope changes in the three seconds between when you adjust 24 when he tries to examine you. it perfectly until you step into the tub under it. ERATURE READINGS FOUND ON ; WRITER: JOHN FICARRA «--is your temperature when your Mother finally announces to the world, “I think it’s time we called the Doctor!” is the temperature when the chewing gum stuck to the bottom of your school desk starts to get yeechy again. not to say as you go out, “Take a sweater for later on! is how much your temperature ises when a girl you want to im- ress tells you your fly how much the temperature of the food ordered restaurant drops from the time it leaves the kitchen until the time the waiter serves it to you. 34.4° ficial heating lamps keep fast-food French fries. the temperature inside Your ear’s overheated radia- ‘tor when you take the cap off. s.sis the temperature of the average tenement in the South Bronx on an average evening. ‘and humid is the temper- when the tape holding up your posters gives out. sis how hot it has to be before Johnny Carson can do a joke about how hot it is. 212° SCHOOL BERG'S-EVE VIEW DEPT. Viale Mech THE ENVIRONMENT BUDS ETS SHOPPING DATING ‘Wouldn't you know i? got ew per TTOLD you to get pad ‘ang to nal itup on the Kitehen wall, and every time you need something, to WRITE IT DOWN! | You complain that when we date, {never take you out to dinner! Well, tonight, I'm taking you to a very special place where the {ood is absolutely serumptioust ‘an 1) [1m having att help | | eulty finding the you? | [appropriate card! OLD AGE piece (amene a Gan you Do you have any cards congratulating someone for being BORN AGAIN? Teaintt fait) { Why, in your time came al the was born TOO | | great inventions! The automobi LATE, and | MISSED OUT on is 7 all the FUN! This family recipe has been passed down from generation to generation .. and now, it's your turn to receive the secret ingredients But Grandma! tastes terrible! THE FAMILY Funny! That's what an a | { Mary Lou! We ALL sala! all | | savtoth THE ECONOMY (Sees “Td SQUANDERED ita oe aysthis wayt} [Or the SUPERMARKET! te bee Gee! ini a WILL g0 0 en ae Now, what's your SECOND question?! r» | ( yy GETTING EVEN DEPT. When Women’s Libbers or Racial Leaders or Gay Protestors talk about “Equal Rights,” they usually mean Equal Rights for their own people, but not necessarily for every- one. This misunderstanding can cause big problems in a country like ours where most people belong to several different minority groups by reason of their race, religion, height, weight, occupation, personality quirks, intelligence, politics or preference for chunky-style peanut butter over plain. MAD maintains that matters won't get any better until laws exist that treat every one of these forgotten minorities equally— whether they want equal treatment or not. Here's a peek at what the future may hold, TE WE EVER HAVE « REAL EQUAL ; RIGHTS LAWS PASSENGERS PASSENGERS WITHNO wre | HANG-UPS ‘CLAUSTROPHOBIA | THIS AIRLINE COMPLIES WITH ‘ALL PROVISIONS OF THE EQUAL RIGHTS FOR NEUROTICS LAW [EEENG,) FE FEET or UNDER, LEFT-HANDED —fiejrinmas RIGHT-HANDED EQUAL RIGHTS FoR F SOUTHPAWS ACT ‘CITY HALL INFORMATION NATIONAL VEEBLEFETZER Dear sik: [EN > arremow ems {TIS A VIOLATION OF THE ay Tou nes ronvaty urs 4 AMENDMENT | ronyouroowreoesicame 1 In response to your HE jeter of Jan. 16, thie ts nfrom you that shipmi was despatched as per vane nstreti from our wWeex ATTENTION— MANAGEMENT PERSONNEL! ‘THE 1982 OFFICE WORKERS RIGHTS ACT (MAKES IT UNLAWFUL TO DISCRIMINATE [AGAINST TYPISTS SOLELY ON THE BASIS ‘OF THEIR INCOMPETENCE. EXECUTIVES WHO VIOLATE THIS LAW BY DEMANDING THAT UNACCEPTABLE WORK BE RE-DONE ‘ARE SUBJECT TO FINE, OR IMPRISON- (MENT, OR BOTH, FOR SHOWING UNDUE FAVORITISM TO DILIGENT WORKERS. Mt quis racmrry PROVIDES EQUAL (CELA EOS LIBRARY UBRY Cu BBY: sucess ae eee sa AN 8:00 Tonight 5 On Channel 7 TytS SUBWAY STATION IS A PUBLIC AREA SUBJECT TO THE EQUALITY OF OPINION ACT. PERSONS HOLDING VIEWS CONTRARY TO THOSE EXPRESSED ON THIS WALL ARE ENTITLED TO J RESPOND WITH THEIR OWN GRAFFITIFREE MARKERS AND SPRAY PAINT ARE AVAILABLE FROM THE CLERK IN THE CHANGE BOOTH. RETURN ENRAGEMENT DEPT. wt WATT TILL YOU GET fle ee e | aa ee HOME AND FIND TRAT. ‘TURNING DOWN THE VOLUME DEPT. For every book that makes it as a best-seller nowadays, there are hundreds that die on the book-shelves. Sometimes it’s hard to tell why some books succeed and some don’t. But other times you know exactly why they flop. For example, the THE WORST SELLING OK RICKARD es THE EAT- INTRODUCTION —_|| aNYTHING-YOU WANT Recently the children of famo show business idols Joan Creasroes Ie to do the same ag ome (OF 196 to the same Anda ee | pieine et anit | lds bared story ublic thinks of Pat Booms cr man who goes of ularly adores his fanite | 5 of milk a day. puksaoy nics mre | Chapter One ‘When Caleb Throggs was born. His parenfs were delighted. He was @ beautiful child and was seemingly everything they had ever dreamed of in. Then one day when he was a month old, his mother said to her | Physician, “Doctor, Caleb is a lovely oy. but do you notice something strange Maybe it's his eyes. That overpowering, plercing look. 1 hate to say this, but [think there may be something diabolical about him.” After examining the infant thor- oughly, the family doctor informed the mother, “Mark my word, this boy normal as you or | ‘As events developed the doctor turned out to be absolutely right - My. Caleb grew into fine manhood, mar by Lamar =etesi ae fled his childhood sweetheart ate real wmoleale hardware “Tough Turkey” Noonan dealer inalfof Western Kansas, and following books all deal in subjects that are popular in today’s best-sellers market, but somewhere along the line something went wrong. All you have to read is the first few paragraphs from each and you'll know exactly why they are BOOKS OF THE YEAR WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL CHAPTER ONE Like everyone else through the years, have exposed myself to the Water Dict the Grapefruit Diet, the Scarsdale Diet land just about every other Fegimen con. octed. by every crackpot who has a typewriter and stack of paper. Tinally decided that since we al enjoy cating, would it be possble for medical Science, in all its infinite wisdom and Know-how, {0 come up with a diet in Which you could eat anyrhing you want, Iehenever you want, and sill se weight? thought about this for_a long time, experimented, and then carly one morn {ng leaped out of bed with the answer. Twas: Nol And so I would lke todevote the rest of ler and the remainder ofthe book "For example, 1 have found a surefire way ofbreaking my kidsup in theevening. What often doisstetchout onthe dinner tick an apple in my mouth, and Tama suckling pig: ince I weigh {ver260 pounds, usually haveno trouble Chapter 1 NOWIT CAN BE TOLD You all know me as a former ail-pro line-backer for the Minne- Sota Vikings. You've seen me eat dirt, grind balicamiers into the turt, and maim blockers and quarter: backs. But vely few of you know who lam orwhat Iam off the field. Okay, the time has come to—as we say—let it all hang out ‘What I am about to reveal may surprise and appal many of you. Frankly, I don't care. Ive lived too Jong with my secret and I've got to unload it. The best way to do it, T have decided, is to just say it. So here goes. All my life I've been an overt straight’, c flaming hetero- Sexuall Tn view of what you know about pro football players, does this Shock you? Ive got some more news for you. The same thing is true of Roger Staubach, "Mean Joe" Green, Larry Czonka, Franco a eS REE HOUSEWIFE |). THE ECSTASY : Oe qyppChaptert THE REVELATION Ever since my want since my wedding day, 1 Poomed toendloss of housework, cooking, and eh feuring. Then ira dy t hit ney may be a w trades @ woman, but I human being. There mu: tollife than drudgery. 1h would no longer be : housewife. And that tomy I was a slave, hours and days ad had i From now on b nT would bea happ house wife. It’s hoe really amazing how with a little fantasy and imagine. | Sli with diy Tete &, site transformed in your mind fa exotic jungle waterfall a. AUTHOR'S NOTE T must say that the outset, there is noth soul-satisfyingin life than daily run- ning, and I trust that when you ll agree. In the chapters to come I will tell you how to start out by doingamile each and then how to keep building up over the weeks until you reach my current plateau of thirty milesa finish this book, you Naturally, I could not handle a book of this size and scope without some invaluable assistance. And so I would like to thank the New York Athletic Club, the Prineeton track team, Dr. Herbert Forsythe and a very special thanks to my three former running partners the late Ted Halley, the late Wendell Sturm, and Vie Katzatthe Intensive Care Seetion in the Cardiac Ward ig more thrilling and | UTTA SIGHT! DEPT. QUTTA SIGHT! DEPT. - doe S| / |S ONIO INS . .and, oh, yes... we also had to replace a faulty headlight as I hold” fora wi sn moe ml Mie == I've been looking over the X-Rays of your planned plastic surgery, and I'm afraid I'll have to increase my fee slightly Spay Sa E-Y BALON E) |WRITER: PAUL PETER PORGES Be vaaererssicnare et Lit We're booked s until nine! Comeinthert and we'llsqueeze you in EI . / 4 fer! « SS [S/ PEP LD, —— This is the State Income Tax Audit Bureau! Wei re running averification check on the account of a Mr. Rocko Castallani! His account nu my * Hello, Mom. . .? Listen, I'm gonna be home alittle late tonight! I'm staying onhere with Barbara! She's helping me with my homework WS LF” Ae aA i Fe This is the Ajax Burglar Alarm Company! If you have no security alarm system at present, we'd like to send a man over to demonstrate our Weve UR Lat ipa. I ee a | Right now, our Editorial Staff is seriously considering your submission S : y = HOSE JOB DEPARTMENT I DON a: TAKES OTHER LOOK AT FIREMEN THAT'S BOSS SLOBI HE OWNS THE TOWNI HE'S DECEITFUL, DISHONEST, A CROOK, A CHEAT AND A CON ARTISTI HE'S ALSO A POLITICIAN... BUT THAT'S REDUNDANT Bosco, didn’t tell you to bring me extra plastic forks with the fied chicken??? the bucket with the ehiekent DID, Bossi They ea You must have eaten them!! CRASHING BORES DEPT. Everybody loves television programs about Cops and Robbers . . . but there’s a popular TV program on the air that has us worried! It’s about Cops that ARE Robbers! Well, maybe not exactly . . . but it does show people in charge THE DOPES O HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER STORY ABOUT THEM DOPE BOYS OF HAPHAZZARD COUNTY! TONIGHT’S EPISODE SHOULD GO DOWN ABOUT AS SMOOTH AS A JUG OF BLACK STRAP MOLASSES... AND HAVE THE SAME EFFECT: MAINLY, IT’S GONNA MAKE YOU SICK TO YOUR STOMACH! IN CASE YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE FOLKS OF HAPHAZZARD COUNTY, YOU'RE LUCKIER THAN A PIG THAT'S OWNED BY A KOSHER FARMER! BUT, FOR THE SAKE OF THE STORY, LET ME INTRODUCE THEM . THE FELLOW TALKING TO BOSS SLOB IS SHERIFF BOSCO G. GOLDRAINI THE SHERIFF IS A BUMBLING IDIOT LAW OFFICER! F'RINSTANCE, SLOB TOLD HIM TO POLISH UP HIS GUN... AN’ THAT'S JUST WHAT HE'S DOING! Hinmmml THOUGHT that chicken was @ bit more “erspier™ than usual 1! ‘THE OTHER GUY'S THE SHERIFF'S. ASSISTANT, ANUS! HE ASSISTS. THE SHERIFF IN BEING A TOTAL SCREW-UP! BUT HE'S SMARTER ‘THAN THE STUPID SHERIFF! HE'S NOT DUMB ENOUGH TO BE USING SHOE POLISH TO SHINE HIS GUN! Because W doeen't involve car chase! We only do things involve wild, Okay, now that we're outdoors, ‘we can speed ‘pa lite! ‘m doing 110 miles an houe peed Limit” stutt? — Heean'y |) Because ‘And, as usual the] | Heain't | |tnat's what Sherifis right on | | gotaleg | | I'm DOIN! ourtailtWhat'lwe | | tostand | | 36 miles doifhe pulls nat | | on, Bool | | an hourt “55 Miles An Hour Boy, on, boy, Pune! When you go through a "STOP" sign, you really go THROUGH it pera stealing, and citizens breaking all kinds of laws and getting away with it! After all, television should really entertain us! It shouldn't force us to face what we see all around us in everyday life! Yep, we're talking about HAPHAZZARD * LIKE THE EXOTIC DANCER SAID WHEN SHE TOOK OFF THE FIRST FLIMSY LAYER OF CLOTHES |. - “FOLKS, YOU AIN'T SEEN NUTHIN’ YETI" NOW LET'S MEET THE MEMBERS OF THE DOPE FAMILY! THAT'S LOVEABLE THAT'S DIZZY DOPE! = AND STANDING NOW IT’S TIME TO MEET OLD UNCLE JAZZYI SHE'S NOT A GOOD- THE DOPE BOYS, BOO AND HE'S SO OLD AND ENOUGH ACTRESS TO PUKE! AS USUAL, THEY'RE LOVEABLE THAT, APPEAR IN FEATURE- DRIVING THEIR SOUPED-UP SOMETIMES, YOU LENGTH MOVIES, SO CAR DOWN SOME DESERTED REALLY WANT TO THEY PUT HER IN RURAL HIGHWAY FASTER JUST SQUEEZE HIM = SHORTS . . . SHORTS. THAN A GREASED RATTLE- TIGHT AROUND —- THAT ARE CUT RIGHT SNAKE GOING DOWNHILL ON NECK, WITH UP TO THE NETWORK AN ICY ROAD WITH AN 80- YOURBAREHANDS! CENSOR’S LIMITS! MILE WIND AT ITS BACK! : Fie'r really mown. LAE con, Bigeinow' fee about | | Jazzy! im ust so sick and ee Re time {talked to you about | | tired of hearing the boys wl Puke! tm doi’ 6O af Puke! We don't the birds andthe bees! | | talkto me about SEX! a ear rantto gle. ARK 60 les an MM You're right white they hour an 30 fest That 8 fast! raying Yiunow, Dizzy, yourea | | That's really GREAT, Uncle : aoe 7 rine Hangon, Bob! mdoin |] Pretty | Oh yes, we DID! 7 Iknow that! Jp S¥| Here comes the EG. fone of our fantastic || good, nun? What we DID Sherif He tried Buthis Police flying leaps! Up this | | We didn’t | [ Boo, we missed the || do was scrape the same leap! P| cara ramp, andoverthe top U1 ‘hita top of that train. || the bottom of ‘of that railroad train! bya country milel_}|_ an airplane!t Alired &.Neuman for President Thats eimplet We already wrecked |] A speeding six Police Cars this || ticketinthis || we never | morning! How in heck| | town carries a | let'em | ‘does the town PAY || $75,000 fine! || catch forallthose cars? === “yt ‘What do you say we take one of our famous SHORT CUTS... Frhrough Yucky Swamp ‘Across Falling Boulder Breach “You call that a SHORT (CUT?! You added twenty minutes 6 curtep..” | ‘and we're right back ‘That was the special "TW SITCOM SHORT CUT!” It shortcuts 2 need for any dialogue or a storyline! We don’t have to say anything but “Hoo-boy!” as we drive lke idiots! ‘Another thing! How come fl What do you MEAN, nothing we just ran through all happened to our ear during that really rough tert that rough ride? Look! The tory, and nothing hanpen- ff glove compartment door open were we started ‘edo ourearl? Buttne | ed... the hub caps pot dusty Sherit’s car gets total- ‘and there's a yecehy bug ‘squashed on our windshield! Habit] GOT you Dopes, Just look Treays Then Yiknow, we rnowi! You made me drive [[ Oh, yeah? ]| at myeart [{ You || “SHERIFF” [[ You ]] look | [ Yousin’t Gor] | Hazzard County ‘under some low bridges || How do we | | Seethered |] ain't fy right || aint || at | | agunt that’s | | ‘Lawmen make and through enarrow | |know you're| | lightson fF} ‘got The Keystone ‘tunnel—but finaly | /REALLY the| | theroot?_ [| “a Cops look ike [GOT you Dopes GOOD! rofl Scotland Yardit Tolono Ghent he Ef Youre ight, Ant Torgot Tou Treony cmesie rightness Revd eye Donre SeriorGituens ofthis, [] tcnorge or "Smmmin’ Rights" pm scheme them troublesome ee County by seling nar || Make that $1200 an acre Wel, ‘Dope Boys! Som gonna tick erm fonda "Qusint Vistas” | | what do vou thinko! Boys? inte leading o perade ths Sunday, foronty $1000 an acre! ‘oiwhich am gonna invite the eae Chief of the State Police! Then ‘But, Boss Slob! That iana || °t20.Umes mare than ‘s three feet underwater! || mean and contemptuous! Forget about it, Anus! Well go back to hiding moonshine and grass in their car It worked 26 times ast season, not counting the 13 times on repeats, soit should work or Us again. Uisten, Boss, what say we See? taint, do somethingrealy afr. [_sodumbl ent thistime! How about we | =a] fetthem Dopesonacarge ff Bvt, where St"Kidrapping AMinor? flare we gonne SS get « MINOR By Hmmm "Kidnapping a Minar"? for ther Winatagestises, anus [] KIDNAP. NOW THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DIZZY DOPE! SHE'S MORE THAN JUST A PRETTY TUSH—ER, FACE! SHE WORKS FOR BOSS SLOBI SHE DON'T MAKE MUCH . . . BUT SHE GETS TO KEEP ALL THE SECRETS SHE CAN OVERHEARI Hey, Boss Dizzy, douse > Nota thing! ‘Slob is | | Andietthe] | real big favor! Buti do jzonnahide| | Chief of | | Use your sexy a whole lot tmeonshine|=| the State | | feminine charms forthe horny ‘nour | [Police catch| | "to stall Anus guysin the only the proper swith it forus.. Taudience! people hear the Bosco, wha this “petty cash" voucher you handed in? "never sav" fi] anything so outrageous What! $60,000 for new Police Cars? That's what we spent chasin’ the Dope Boys again last week, Boss Slob! Tdon't mean NECESSARY expenses! I'm talking about this outrageous expense of $8 for an oil change! You KNOW Wwe don't keep our cars tong enough for ‘em to require an cil change! Os or ) MEANWHILE, TO GET READY FOR THE PARADE, THE BOYS HAD THEIR CAR TUNED UP BY THEIR BUDDY, COOTIE, AN ACE MECHANIC WHO'LL FIX ACAR UP LIKE BRAND NEW AND CHARGE YOU A FAIR PRICE! THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS! NOTHING IN THIS SERIES IS ANYTHING LIKE REALITY! ‘1 Tiey, Fin not pointing (Anus... be honest 2 finger at you, Anus! Dizzy, IKNOW you're ] | _gone with a gir? not pointing a finger Stmel I's what you 'ARE pointing at me that drives me erazy! Tnce went all the way to the BUT THE DOPE BOYS WEREN'T THE ONLY ONES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG SUNDAY PARADE! Titen, Boss Slob has a brand new Toolproof plan to catch the Dope: Boys! So you better go back and Dring us another six right away!! piston rings Tate eee, boyal tuned itu | ‘gaskets... ground the valves. and replaced the transmission! That'll be—uh-ten dollars! putin new spark plugs o = Ten dovterse? ‘Okay!t| was being greedy! Make it eight! 4 [Vion ere] nee ofthe Dop Boys to volunteer| torteach here at | the school afew hours each neck | Yeah, but i'd be alot nicer it we ‘ould talk them into teaching ‘something other than Ori Si ey Ve LANS WELL, THAT SUNDAY, THE DOPE BOYS DID LEAD THE PARADE! BUT ... SO'S NOT TO TAKE ANY CHANCE OF GETTING CAUGHT WITH THE MOONSHINE IN THEIR CAR, THEY DID IT AT THEIR NORMAL SPEED! promptiy at noon! Hey, | thought ‘On, | Forgot the parade was. Tes over! You missed] | The DOPE ‘going to start iti Went tnrougtn here} | BOYS were at 130 miles an hour!| | leading it! with me! What's the OF COURSE, THE CHIEF OF THE STATE POLICE, HAVING BEEN TIPPED OFF ABOUT THE MOONSHINE, WAS CLOSE ON THE DOPE’S TAILPIPE! BUT THE BOYS HAD A PLAN TO DIVERT THE CHIEF'S — CAR TILL THEY COULD DUMP THE “SHINE!” THEY USED ONE OF THE CLEVER “FAKE SIGNS” SO POPULAR IN THIS SERIES . . . Hay, Boot it just_ | [don't know, Puke! And| dawned on me! We're || “even if! DID know, | drove fora running trom the || wouldn't be allowed to wale mile Chief of Police of || Yet fae claimed that antwo | | twowheels ||| MOTOR- this State... but wineetst!_|'| yesterday! | | CYCLE! ‘WHAT STATE is Haphazzard County ‘supposed to be IN? EN) think one of us Ny should nave stayed at the wheel... Hey, 800! You know ‘done yet. We hai Window-At-110-Mile-An-Hour-And: Hit‘The-Target Perfectly” trick! head-on collision with a traler [J] grill and we Police... and Boss Slob! And we didn’t | | now! Nothing truck! We were doing 110. and |_| lost ahubeap! have time ta dump that moonshine ...!! | | can save us! ‘Oh, wow! That was something! AL We dented the ‘Oh-oh! Here comes the Chief of the State | We're goners, he was doing at least 55. Boy, this care How bad is the damage... 7&1 indestructible! THEY USUALLY “FREEZE” THE PICTURE. AND GO TO A COMMERCIAL! WELL, SORRY, FOLKS, BUT THIS IS A MAGAZINE! YOU AREN'T LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET THAT SORT OF RELIEF! OUR STORY IS GONNA CONTINUE! Okay, you I~ Tstoo late, Boys! Dont | | Wilyou look at that, Puke! Bass Siob.teant] | Tbeen outsmarted by them Dope Boyet{] make any exeusest You've |_| Even inthis MAD satire, 3 arrest these boys for |_| ‘rotten Dope Boys again! | ‘Open your || Deen caught redhanded | | crazy turn of events saved any wrongdoing! i's |_| tell you, they're making trunk. smuggling broken gallon || uci we've endangered lives, not legal to cary ‘eimpossibie to make 8 jugs of moonshine, and Pf] wrecked property, flaunted Broken gallon jugs! | | dishonest buck these dayst PT aut, Bose | | the penalty orthatis— || The aw, and we're off scot Slob, we free! The jugs all broke that is—__[jq BROKEN GALLON JUGS? no moonshine! ae 2 & Se \. eH IS 4 . > \S BN iF NN V4 NA ENIAC MMF iknow, Pore, sometinies | [ Gh, 1aon't know HE oye it Hove Well, MAKEUP = 1OWNthe Do you have Teel abit sory for ets paid ford iu Every week, those schemes just [J] Dealership [Many idea how Boss Siob! think that | | this show justi those boys think touet Franchise [much MONEY justonee, t would be Fest of ust That's they outsmarted | car chas for NEW [i T'make sel’ kinda nice itone ot his. | | ENOUGH of a crime ime because they ‘Shei nd my POLICE sic new sneaky plans worked out! | | to get away wi! foul up some haf- Deputy! Da you CARS in Police Cars baked moneymakin’ ||| knowhow | REALLY fil Haphazzard Day make my money... County...1 JB] at ist price! eee Soy Daas LIGHT AND LOOK FOR HIM! (Don’t fold it in, Dummy!)