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MAD « SALUTES CHARLES DARWIN'S BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHARLIE! Ra Yt ree SAE |S NUMBER 238 APRIL 1983 WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor LEONARD BRENNER art director TOMNOZKOWSKI production NICK MEGLIN senior editor JOHN FICARRA associate editor GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI subscripiions JACK ALBERT lawsuits, ANNE GRIFFITHS logistics CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS DEPARTMENTS BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of. . 26 C'EST LE GERE DEPARTMENT “An Officer Ain't No Gentleman” (A MAD Movie Satire) 4 FISSION TACKLED DEPARTMENT Don Martin's Atomic Holocaust Survival Manual... 11 IN A JOCKULAR VEIN DEPARTMENT If Parents and Children Behaved Like Professional Sports Figures. 40 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy 43 KHAKI DUTY DEPARTMENT "Private Benjurmind” (A MAD TV Show Satire)... 44 LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings of Reader Mail mee MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT. “Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones rs MR/MISS-MATCHED DEPARTMENT You Know He/She Is Not For You When 32 SAPPY ENDINGS DEPARTMENT MAD's New Twists To Old Tales 38 SHOOTING STARS DEPARTMENT The U.S. Video Game Olympic Team 24 ‘SICK HUMOR DEPARTMENT Little-Known And Rarely Diagnosed MAD Ailments Contracted In Hospitals 22 THE BOOK OF ISTS DEPARTMENT AMAD Look At The Differences Between Optimism, Pessimism & Reality. 34 UNDER EXPOSURES DEPARTMENT MAD's X-Reagans. 16 URBAN ON THE ROCKS DEPARTMENT How Big Cities Can Solve Their Problems While Clearing A Few Bucks On The Side 19 WIND-UP DULL DEPARTMENT ‘An Andy Rooney “60 Minutes” Editorial We'd Like To See 5 31 **Various Places Around The Magazine VITAL FEATURES “AN OFFICER AIN'T NO. GENTLEMAN” (Movie Satire) Pg. 4 DON MARTIN'S. ATOMIC HOLOCAUST ‘SURVIVAL MANUAL ‘OLYMPIC TEAM Pg. 24 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN. OPTIMISM, PESSIMISM & REALITY Pg. 34 “PRIVATE. BENJURMIND” (AMAD TV Show Satire) Pg. 44 WHY KILL YOURSELF? LETTERS DEPT Being loved by both cilidren an alike, E'. cetainly bridged the g ap. Now, after Look tA JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUES AT THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO MAD = AND HAVE IT MAILED TO YOUR HOME! use coupon or duplicat 485 MADison Avenue ‘New York, NY. 10022 Vendose $9.75°. Enter my name on your subscription list, and mail me he next 10 issues of MAD Magazine. NAME ADDRESS city ‘stabton Meenue Os 10022 EX. And Friend STAR TREK I late” Dick De of "Star Blecch Dan Dace Sunnyvale, CA DeBartolo ond Drucker have always been very “Enterprising Ed, ‘Am Tight Stern Distr, HONG KONG st latest ise [counted 50 EES 25 f 5 Don Mati Jefftey Shapiro Richboro, PA CHUTZPAH IS. aeging a back for MAD and then ing t's CHEAP Kathy Kin Winter Haven, tL wrong, With al Th junk they ‘ ay, how do SEA SICK Next Shove Leave, try splashing on o litle Ole Spice” —Ed, ‘A PRYOR ISSUE Lam che Direct Jesor" ana I mst Kind Of He (MAD: ‘A “TIMELESS” COVER Boy, is TIME magazine desperat THE PAC ME Lc TIME Gone MAD What do you expect from Time, Back on September 24, 1956 short-lived setifcel pulp (OZBOURNE AGAIN T woul fie Somewhere USA Page) that if he's Shane E Baer, B Fronk Perdue will be very relieved to hear this Ea, Please Address All Correspondence To MAD, Dept. 238, 485 MADison Averve New York, New York 10022 LET MAD BE YOUR SALVATION! IN A WORLD GOING TO HELL WITH ITSELF, LAUGHTER IS HEAVEN- SENT! 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OALIMFEE'S MAD Book of Watic HERE Looks al People More ALIAFEEeSepoy Anos HERG Loksat Thies CALIAFE@s Nonaosites BERG Moder hinking —C1St More ALIAFFEESSrappyAnsmers DAVE BENE Ou Sic ior)” CUALIAFFEE MAD nvenons, DAVE BENG Looks at Living Cl Lord Anata IAFFEE Snap Answers COAUIAFFEE Fees Out ao eaooone S229; i une ENCLOSE $1.75 FOR EACH ‘We canmot be responsible for cash (Minimum Order: $5.25) uo C'EST LE GERE DEPT. You've heard about the creaky, old-fashioned movies your parents (and their parents) went to see when they were your age? Well, those kind of simple-minded tear-jerkers are back! Only this time, theyre loaded with steamy sex so they appear to be “contemporary”. But take it from us, they're the same old tired films! Oh? You don't believe us? Well see for yourself as you feast your eyes (while starving your brain) on our version of one example: You lowife seu! —<—$—=$= You crawling lee! At frst | don't ming it vou testering bolts! | | worried about | ] because I know he's "You stinkin’ pies | | the insults, trying to mold us— ‘of kaka | have the torture | | narden us~and make | only on and the abuse Something! {gq You... you say tothe sicken- | [he'd hand out! kalled three ing likes of yout | ————— | Navy hundred of |] I'm talking WELCOME...!! | [ Andnow...?? | pilots? the ENEMY?) “RECRUITS”: AN OFFICER . AIN'T NO « ." GENTLEMAN That's No... Amphetamine Dad. Twant okay | |_end Methadone! to go to Navy Pilot Officer's Wahi You gott be a college ‘Agricutture LJ that unshaven grad to quality!) and Mineral? £3) that vulgert Da What's the matter?| [itis when Isittoo hard for | | that place you weaklings happens to running in place?!? | | be a sewer! aa oi = AQ, é i of the flasnbacks...! iook really Mayhem, after that dumb || terrific try: ‘adhesive tape trick, 'm || ing to get 2 igonna derive a special || civilian job ZL pleasure trom with a halreut you out within a Tike tis... ‘Good idea, changing! That way, when we show up at the base for the into our party dresees [| dance, they'll think we're debutantes instead There inthe car!" | | of plain ordinary factory girls, huh, Maula?! ove to. you smooth talker! sarees acer ot sur dtaats, BP mye aly wilson geen hope fe Ss You learned that You're a street Then you have from watching Sgt. kid, aren't your [[But! ]| gotto em No gent pound guys LU neidentally, it you ean't shine upa simple brass. buckle, how Wie got no use for wheeler around here! I'm gonna make you uit the Academy! are you ever Ws strictly cash ané ‘carry Pal tion! can have one on UT Aw, you Secount.-.? fy fink! |] gonna handle 2 et plane? Why don't you just THROW ME out?!? ae ‘Oh, nol! That's not nearly 25 ‘dramatic as forcing you to quit by break ‘You stinkin’ pile of body wastes! ‘You fungus on the rump of a dirty, diceased rickshaw driver! You.. Yiknow..atieks and stones may break my bones— Thanks for the ‘SUGGESTION! Tl USE thern! You ready = to break [] an alcoholic bum anc your mother kill yet, boy! []_ Youcome from a long line of "no-guts you a question, Sergeant...” You never let mein _F not even Ef You can’t break me, no matter what you say! CLOSE! A Bi Loe con anything personal [I Because | don't in your fel Why? a us to get too ee Don't mind himit He's always hostile toany guy who's, having ile sex with our daughter! The VERY f_riest? ee ‘GLA '™ iegitimate! ty real father was an Air Cadet like you! He ‘deserted my mother before | was ‘bara! One thing | feel bad about CaN TKNEW mine! ‘What terrible |) him, ang you know the terrible thing py _in the that happened to me! []_mirrort Wel. the daddy's sperm ‘swims all around until t finds the mommy's eee that bape, nets” A You idiot | thought Zap) you were cu asking me ‘about my automobile insurance! nat happened?! Tm quitting, 1" I panicked when | 11 wasn't [] took off my oxygen tout to be |! “mask at 35,000 | | answerl! pilot! |] fest! No GOOD pilot ould do that! Hey! Why not Tgot the ] | Then, | could always get 2 Bea || job working BAD | | for one of the pilot! airlines! TI bought you an engagement ring! How sweet! But there seems to be @ speck of dirt oF something... right ‘smack dab in the midale of it) ‘my small town, where you'l :00k, sew and do my laundry! ‘And then, when the baby comes, you'll feed i, bathe i and wash its dlapers! And when | come home from work, supper— Why? WHY? Why does eventing Teame | [ Tanks You caused his MMtaraie, decry or turn horny ugly? | aot! death with al ‘your bullying! rm going to make you pay fori ‘No, you won't, Sergeant Fooley, because ve Bot a score to settle with you fo g0t Sid's memory to fight for. ‘and I've got right on my side...! there's one thing you AIN'T got! sea fot Throwing ou fats aa gad >) we 3 tation is the Navy's oldest tration! ‘And spending the rest of the day finding them fs the second oldest! Thanks, Sergeant... for everything! You taught me something lever knew before! — Do you know of any OTHER way of becoming ‘2 Navy Pilot's WIDOW ‘What's that, gp [ «That a EUNUCH can Sir? become a Navy Pilot! Soolctne cit waunantern | DONTE? /NRAV ONS ARON HOVOCK oe 2 0 Sun Te IMPORTANT CLUES TO LOOK FOR WHICH MAY INDICATE A PENDING ATOMIC ATTACK CLUE NO. 1—Pltiians stan avg the county! an CLUENO. 2—Emergency broadcast tests increase! CLUENO. 3-They begin polishing air raid sirens! CLUENO. 4 mae aeernatiarte — jbooonG } aa rupee iA = tated expemcnceop WARDENS WANTED CLUE NO. 7—A curious shadow suddenly looms larger ant “@ i larger and. fin fly Fin fo ut first @ word Irom our eponsort THE ATOMIC FLASH IS DEVASTATING SO —_— INSTEAD, MAKE SURE YOU GET ALL THE WHATEVER YOU DO. DO NOT LOOK AT IT! PROTECTION FROM THE FLASH YOU CAN! a THE THUNDEROUS ROAR OF THE BLAST WILL BE HEARD HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY! a, | - l a wea IF YOU SEE A BLINDING FLASH, DIVE ...BUT MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE YOU TO THE NEAREST CURB AND LAY PRONE! ARE AT GROUND LEVEL AT TH i x Ce VISA VERSES DEPT. LET'S TAKE AN INSIDE ay LOOK AT THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION WITH “Uy, GERMANS w* 7 NI T ARMENIANS URBAN ON THE ROCKS DEPT. It doesn’t tai genius to see that our cities are in big trouble these days. Mass Transit is in a shambles, streets are caving in around us, and employee Productivity is down. Take a look at this typical city to see what we,mean... 4 Wested Manpower $A due To Idle Fi 2 ig Gas-Guzzling Police Patrol Cars| Now for the really bad news. When you turn this page, you're going to see some of the dumbest ideas, proposals and solutions ever conceived in an article called MAD'S SUGGESTIONS FOR HOW OUR CITIES CAN SOLVE THEIR PROBLEMS (While Clearing A Little Extra Cash On The Side!) pools into giant Breeding Tarms Tor Tok ‘big money to be made in selling sea food 8 and, best of all, out-of-work ilfeguards could cor the the city would have a ed snappy building to sell while the unemployed people will feel useful and not notice| how long they have to wait to sign for a check. Turnstiles placed every five blocks down the the street! Let the paraders pay for the privilege of Imessing up the city's traffic and sanitation schedul high-rise office and apart ment buildings. The city | and firemen could spiit q | whatever they make 50-50. <{ Forget spending milion SS) to repave, get celebrities: to sign the potholes! If to see your local “Celebrity Potholes!” Sure, double Parking ilogas but os tong 8, motorists are going te do Ter were Be ares toed pen docile he poral iets. SS i a Load up police car trunks with letiers, parcels, pizzas anything that needs quick, same-day delivery service. Since police have to drive through neighborhoods anyway, ‘and have the extra advantage of being able to use ther siren, they'll be able to give cheaper and faster service B|than any local messenger service while turning big, profits for both themselves and the city’s emply cot ena Ueno alk GE NaS BAUR la aaa seat iat CTA aT) ate ate Vs NL aS UCN 7 M - GAG ORETCH, CST ea “THE DISCHARGE DAY ACCOUNTING Ui ae a SHOOTING STARS DEPT. See omen Re Ma iccM AN -r- Uae oa are ouster aCe) Ue SM Noo Perea Pea Catto Re aie tant -liate ies kw Taal Ma un a fora temornnetas cca ais Gt RUM aCe Coane tL ASA ect ITO “BUTS” CALAMARI WILMER “ANIMAL” MUNGLER JE “SHARK YANAA SHAMUS “HULA” EPSTEDN Fort Wayne, Inia ‘huntsvile, Alabama hoe, Arizona Chicago, Minis Spaciaty: Missle Command Specay: Fremy Spacay Detender ‘Speci: Berar o-week stretch Barly in his earee A money player, Yamaha nets An aspiring mobster, Epstein wom his aeclaim at Centep around $200" week by” sp considers every Berzerk game whe the lesser players 20.000 ‘machine his yworn enem. al player to eliminate the points and offeri fore playing his first game. crawling monster by throwing them w hhe warned Eyil Otto there ‘brick through the sereen, hind his back ontraet Now a Frenzy fanatic. he cant Hose, du oke the tin wipe out am average of 300010 h zerk record by one robots per his nose, Bare points. Aft feach trump arcades for ‘Yamaha, Ty wiped out, Epstein swore and earesha has used his winnings 10 pat revenge on the machine. Two KILL! KILL! a Defender game in his use: days later, i wis found at tion isto play TWO Missile vvity named “Alabama Player of ment, where daily he hustles the bottom of Lake M ames simultaneous, while the Year".after which he transistors ripped out tindergoing brain surgery. was declared totally insane both “MasterCard” and "Visa and a rock tied around i 24 ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE the new video games. Well, one day those old fogies will see the light, and Pac- EUR tet SRC Rar lil) toe etalon an eee eid Wie tare Rate oom Wa Colne oe alo Rn Lac arlu RM trols an lm nested ais STS Marea alee tae ALIRON MAR ABGLY Escondido, Caltneia Specaty: Tempest Known throughout Southern T California as “The Mara: thon Man.” Argly set a nee West Coast record for bat Tor seventy ative hours, inthe faces neck und chest. D as sASPER “FLAKE” PRYNQUE WANDA “EASY” BAXDALE COSMO “HEX” KLEEVER New York, New York Harton, Comectcu Spokane, Mashington Spacany: Frogoer Speciaty Pac lan Tiwally spaced out of tudes, rology myst grass, cocaine and “Crazy a i a 2 Pace : e pulls 6 hairs from his head. P 70.000-plus. scores yer. In sruth, he is . : score of 6,666,660, Keever was born an the 6th day of . because i ver. they still their place ss the wouldn't be caught dead with her behind the change booth, rightful rulers of the Earth WRITER: FRANK JACOBS BABY — He refused io DION = ‘adage. BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. THE LIGHTE GROWING UE: Hi, Dadi I'm back } ea JOB QUALIFICATIONS R SIDE Cl. MODERN MORALITY. rabody Pi Really. | got rd of feat ney. 2 bogus show tte mel] S| cane the Supermarket! oe uss WISDOM STATUS CONCLUSIONS ran ae aes roa al ‘a mace SACRIFICES Tve just boen reading about ded to give it You're going to el —[Reaoina the terrible things that can, opus cnow and i a up smoking pot? On, happen tormeif smoke pot! | -_E | [farswonbenruct | [oot nr - | First ot me see the CHECK. ‘then Tl tell you NAGGING Hurry wet) (know! | know! (ee Ou We're gon lot's (tase ny ait late! fe roles! (Gan 1 go on an overnight camp: ing trip with Charlie McGill? eS) > Fy j ‘= As any psych salt (or his $75 an hour) realistically. The trouble is that most of us don't do will tell you, we'd all be a lot better off if we view- it that way. We're either overly optimistic and assume ed our lives, our expectations and our daily problems that everything will turn out all right, when it probab- A MAD LOOK AT THE OPTIMISM, PESSI Upon hearing an insect buzzing around inside his moving car . . . the Realist stops the car... the Optimist rolls up the windows, in the Pessimist drives straight ‘and rolls down the case it's a species of rare tropical moth mortuary'so he'll be ready for imim 2 wasp. that might escape before he can sell it. embalming in case it's a “Killer Bee.” Upon being told by her date that she looks exactly like Cheryl Tiegs . . . the Realist knows exactly what the the Optimist takes the very next the Pessimist worries that any Buy hopes to accomplish by telling her plane to New York City to seek fame kidnapper who may have plans to grab such lies, and accepts or rejects him. and fortune as a professional model, Chery! Tiegs will get her by mist m4 or we're overly pessimistic and assume that blissful optimists and the most gloomy pessimists are everything will turn out all wrong, when some of it may the last ones to realize that their view of the world actually turn out all right. Unfortunately, the most is cockeyed. So, to straighten all you clods out, here's IFFERENCES BETWEEN Upon seeing the words, “For a good time, call G i 5 Z the Realist knows this the Optimist showers and puts on a the Pessimist dutiful is some prankster’s attempt suit before calling the number, in case he’s sure that Gertie's a be to harrass an innocent girl. Gertie invites him to come right over. sure that shelll turn him down flat regardless. Upon hearing a prolonged, high-pitched bleep broadcast over the radio. . . the Realist figures it's just the Optimist figures it's the latest the Pessimist figures It @ Civil Defense test, and waits “punk rock" hit, and is overjoyed that raid alert, and spends the next month for regular programming toresume he's one of the first to have heard it, ina cellar waiting for the “all clear.” > Ly AS the Realist introduces her as... the Optimist assumes that his friend the Pessimist gives his friend all hhiscompany's "Reglonal Manager” is there with a strange woman too, and the cash he has, and promises to make and then hopes for the best. begins anticipating a group-fun evening. another blackmail payment in two weeks. Upon hearing that his plane can’t take off until the morning because of the fog . . . ) AIR POR y