Está en la página 1de 52
“SCARFACE’*"YENTL"+"REMINGTON STEELE”*ALL GET R “MELVIN COZNOWSKI pr ERINARAN 97 MisestssesoH WHY KILL YOURSELF? —— \ h New York, N¥. 10022 7 OI enclose $10.00°. Please enter my name on your SUBSCRIBE TO subscription list and mail me the next 8 issues. Cl enclose $25.00". Please enter my name on your subscription list and mail me the next 24 issues, NAME. ADDRESS _ cry. STATE “Outside USA NUMBER 248 JULY 1984 “The frst thing a guy notices about a gir... depends con which way she’s going!” —Alfred E, Neuman WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor LEONARD BRENNER ay director TOMNOZKOWSKI production NICK MEGLIN senior editor JOHN FICARRA associate editor GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, VIV GOLD, subscriptions JACK ALBERT lanisuiis| ANNE GRIFFITHS logisiies CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS ‘ADS BACKWARD DEPARTMENT ‘More Ads We Never Got To See. BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of... are BLANK ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT MADS All-Inclusive Do-It-Yourself TV Guide Listing DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT Early One Morning In An African Jungle Late One Afternoon Outside Of Orlando (One Fine Evening On A Brookiyn Street FUNNY BOY DEPARTMENT Ment!’ (A MAD Movie Satire) JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy aan LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT “Drawn-Out Dramas’ By Aragones . RIP... PLEASE! DEPARTMENT ‘MAD's Political Believe It Or Nuts! ‘SCOUTOLOGICAL DEPARTMENT Modern Merit Badges ‘SNAKING DO DEPARTMENT Other Uses For A Pet Boa Constrictor SNORT SUBJECT DEPARTMENT “Scarred Face" (Another MAD Movie Satire) ‘SPOOKING FROM PICTURES DEPARTMENT Horrifying Cliches ‘THE SLEUTH HURTS DEPARTMENT “Remington Steal” (A MAD TV Show Satire) ‘TOBEEP...OR NOT TO BEEP DEPARTMENT “Telephone Answering Machine Messages For Some Famous Literary Characters, ‘TRYING YOUR PATIENTS DEPARTMENT MAD's Practical Joke Catalogue For Doctors. “Various Places Around The Magazine Spaeeatcss tm eae ee ata ae = VITAL FEATURES “SCARRED FACE” (AMAD ‘Movie Satire) Pg.4 “REMINGTON STEAL” (AMAD TVShow Satire Pg. 15 PRACTICAL, JOKE CATALOGUE USES FOR APET BOA CONSTRICTOR Pg. 40 (Another MAD Movie Satire) LETTERS DEPT “FLASHDANCE” Whoever wrore “Fashdunce” must be a Paul and Jeff Hemmes Elkhart iN, Flashdunce”... What a feeling! Sort of like nausea, only worse! Gynthia Cutis New York, NY SECRET CODE Rumor has ie chae chere is a secree MAD. message encoded somewhere an the our new Special, “The Worse From 9 (Onsale une H) is chiseue? Samuel EB, Morse Poughkeepsie, NY Ridiculousl-Ed WARNING SIGHS The write of your “MADs Early Waring! Signs should be nuked! David Frankl Lorain, OH Why wasn there an “Easy Warning Sign to lee us know that Bomb article was on its Debbie Johason Abilene, TX. FAST FOOLS RESTAURANT How Many Mistakes Can You Find To This Picture OF A Fase Food Restaurant’ was Me ¥. Noodle Ridgeiel Pak, NJ The hoe slagan in Fast foods these cays is "Wheres the bee?" In your Fast Food article che question is" Wheres the lughs2? Jamie Kane Seiten sland, NY ONL 13 LEFT! IMs celumn=jont enough ‘Ge Yor ona 528 fr 3 $28 tr 9 ‘ba mabicon Aeeran, Wi. RY 10028 ‘Sone Seri Thar ae noe et nowt ‘es, tat it Prtares, we Eot plenty! Hoo ROAD SCHOLAR Ielooks ike Alfed E. Newman isalive, well and fishing for cars on Route 130 South, in fone of Tims Diner ia Burington Coury New Jersey Bill Weinberg Bronx, NY The MAD-In-Form Man: You Know Where He'll Tura U FLOOT, THWAK, PTANG Don Martin makes me deop my pane ‘ara Fowler New York, NY How come Don Martin never used the sound eect "Fo David Greenwood APO, San Francisco, CA He did! But we censored him, for obvious reasons. Ed, BORED GAME {We though you mighe be inceresed in a new variation of an old word game which we {all "Don Martin Scrabble. This could be ehe 43 Man Squamish Steve and Susan Goodkich al Lake Cty, UT ‘One Exceptionally Fine Doy (On Scrabble Game Board CREEP. After Robin Williams interviewed the ‘Crisis Relocation Emergency Evacuation Planner Of The Year he shoukl change his slogan to Nanak, Nanake’™ Susan Koseler Chambl Thmpa, FL Ie you guys really wanted to interview the ‘CREEP OF The Year" you should have iter viewes! Michael Jackson, So wha if the guy Soda aillion records! Beeween che sequined lve, dhe dak glasses, the whitesceksand the firlish voice, the guy teally gives me the Nicholas J. Mi Drexel Hill, PA BOY ALFRED. When are you guys gonna doa Boy GongeAlired E. Neuman cover? ‘Sue Adamo Secaues, NJ Hopeful never But since youre sohotto take @ look ot tho recent cover of the Briish edition of MAD- Ea oy Boy Alfrod ~ Yoech! (CHECKING IN: As was writing our the check eo enew my subscription T realized cha for yeas Thi appreciated your ethical nd constlerate novice expiration, co wit—you do noe supply my ne co anyone else nor do you inundate me with enewal nocces, Thank you for your con ied sense of taste and good breeding Trealie ureher tha this leer ise funny Neither s your maga Robert A. Nichini Elzaille NY Your letter may not be funny, but your check st We're laughing elltha way tthe bank!-Ed Ploose Address All Correspondence Te MAD, Dept 248, 485 MADison Avenue 'Now York, New York 10022 scoped ya salt aged sarge reget ‘crew oe sas sane WOUBLE...OR HOTRTal WEGETDOUBLE... °STAMP OUT | YOU GET NOTHING! FIRST, AN ALL-NEW, ORIGINAL LONGSHOT THEN, A COLLECTION OF OLD MAD | i=) = Lhe’ EITHER WAY, YOU LOSE ... MAINLY YOUR SANITY! On Sale Now At Your Favorite Bookstand—Or Yours By Mail .=—=use coupon or duplicate et NAME. PLEASE SEND ME: ee ds VAI) ADDRESS. [Mab variations 485MADison Avenue TY. Ligh cunt New York, NY. 10022 a a ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THESE OTHER IDIOTIC MAD BOOKS I'VE CHECKED BELOW: 1 TheDity 4 MAD © MAD Bars 1 kh MAD Gases Servs. $eY 1 MAD out pats 5 Pouctrate MAD 1 Beal HAD Si MAD Report on SPV, PY GMD eae The feos AD 1 MAD Meat own 1 6h Cae Bock on SPY SPY The MAD hte 5 Theor ole M0 BMAD On Canous © AMAO Lokt Ok Wores The R-OF MAD eked wi 1 fetunof MAD Os Moves 5 The en Ma 3 DON MARTI Stes Ou 1 The Post MAD ON MARTIN Bosc: Bak 1 Tele Mo OM MARTIN Oop 13 tans 5 Deeg MAD ON MARTIN Catan Rae 5 Sean MAD ON MARTIN Goats AAMAD Ge toad & Deapton 5 MAbatos ‘UND Seale & Hone Cooking Trevitge MAD AUIMFFEES Spy trons Heed or MAD 1 MARTIN Ses fre ut AUMFFEEs MAD Book of Nope con MAD DON MARTIN Fores ied oven FFE Sopp Ares Fe Hee MAO DON MARTIN Ds Dap Ae agrees Morse MAD Szante DON MARTIN Glog ead Sit More AL IAFF Sapp Answers gine HAD MARTIN opt ie AUAFFEE MAD eons Dietars VE BERG Loot he S.A oc aor IAFFEE Sopy Anes ND Cue round oe MRD eae Chest oc az cally MAD ID Loo lhe Fre TA Book ot Mysteries IAD Tet Lies Sook IA Cradle to Gave Per IAD Mae Out Sook IAD Cotbersthe asics IAD Book of Revenge MAD Gute to Care's MAD Sorviel Handbook MAD? Fest Li ston Ge The MAD Wty Book MAD Werdo Waters Gute MAD Sion 1B ARAGONES icra MAD The Sound of MAD (GARAGONES toot” MAD EDWING Bare Bars 1D ARAGONES MAD Marpnais {GEDWING Boek of Almost uperteroes 15 ARAGONES MAD As Hater 1B God Letters o MAD, 1B ARAGONES MAD Menagerie {G PORGES How Not ToDo It 1D MAD for Batter or ese 1D PORGES Cheap Stots 1 Bplosie MAD Be a 1B Sing ong wth MAD 1B Coker MAD Pet Bow EVEECEZ?' Seeeesces: Sc joooooooooo000000) eine dara | ENCLOSE $1.95 FOR EACH eae ee ced ae (Minimum Order: $5.85) ‘ot Money Order Preferred! SNORT SUBJECT DEPT. ‘Some time ago, a promising young film star rose to new heights portraying a brilliant Italian-American college graduate who takes over a huge criminal empire. Now, shore than ten years later, this same film star sinks tonew lows portraying a sick, amoral Cuban junkie who takes over another huge criminal ‘empire. In real life, this would be called “degeneracy.” In Hollywood, this is called “progress.” Anyway, here's our version of— Thiss Miami gs | —$—$——————— Oro what wass Tlrght, hidrent [figs Wal, we may not iss much worse OUTSIDE | | hanpening...? | | Time foryourlesson! ||| You gg haf much herein sa the camp! (saw twenny- Now...who wants to |) | He tiges two AMERICANS tling The Dolphing Jur| conjugate the MOST | | She ines ‘cach ather! Ugg! What were playing fF | IMPORTANT VERB in |) We tng. blood an violence... the Steeterst MM | this movie? Miguel?? Mf They gz ARTIST: JACK DAVIS ene ae ro ¢ Veal How RI iketowork or [Were reaty] |_manyes? (SS rank Lopes the fy tough, tan ake ae | uglunkdeater? | Wekiled's | [Todayatone ||| ‘hat Wore supposed to requ] Thins muss be the plasel make acocaine y") Cokeissit i ‘the mos’ Hf | What a tices apartments, butiamchure "| 2 snitfin whichone =!" | 2 town..! $i) sayso? pickup in one ot |° di relreshing | makes 2 || vou | dq Faas! Butyougottabe |{| lotot “twenny. —twenny: Jey realy ovens! ||| ein’ peoote f RED 1§ (ee SS easine,) [aatset eae | [7 Wan, incuba, theyiock | [ They-say that Fidel us UP ering Castro emptied nis \ e aS e Ve ae | [eee You done a good job for ie, Toad You sek with Rank Lopizz, an you gonna make beeg! (Gosuckan ee, you fnigatn Hey, = Beboee! | [in THAT monstrosity? maybe she How With those OBSCENE KES you! ‘bout seat covers! happen aide tOLOVE animals, and nay [wouldnt ston classy | | LEOPARD skin for al new ear?| | the gold in Ft. Knox!! \ “hiss aint LEOPARD skin, Bebbee! Thiss iss HUMAN skin! The spots allover are BULLET HOLES! Wall in that case— hort spint! Great news, Meaniel! Elvis an’ me i= gettin’ marred! | asked her toname the day, and she dit ‘Man, thas terrific! vinen ise t gonna ber? Mama, iss your son, Toadiel became 2 beeg shot herein America, an" 1 got | WHAT sick, ds theengs, Iss good to see my slater -—= Genie, again! To me, you ‘are apure angel! An that iss why | don wan you fo | let men do all those sick, isgusting theengs to you! woah The sick disgusting But remember... there are {A INNOCENT PEOPLE around! So ©) make sure THEY . EY petit ‘Wow! You reaize they used the word “rige" in this move as 2 oun, 2 verb, a preposition, a ‘adjective . forty ways inal! the friggin Earth, too! There's no other way to say Tigra | ee Tle, Walter! Those two guests ust filed you Tull of lead! How came you don't die! — (OU, | _[Hey, Man. that's] ‘Make that "| @ifantriceintasticlfll) FORTY.ONE! = Free Yo Rank a wh) q Ln e « ; 3 : me se. z= YoupiD...m | {IT WASW But discovered I thovaht at ‘2 NEW METHOD for getting [ae Biology was your} {high marks on final exams Final Exam [seme ject (eres pt) method is that? Tmake | { Gee! Thats sort of od use | | fashionedi! How do you UAL || employ that method to ass. Biology Final?? A ees isreaes | Tilbe sure to pass on fit bone | [renter compliment the Chet i iT ¢ ye TGQ (On... What does your Mommy ‘dowhen she gets a headache! parents?houser ence Tm not THAT desperatel! JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. RED-HOT PEPPER-FLAVORED TRYING YOUR PATIENTS DEPT. TONGUE DEPRESSORS Attention, all you Doctors out there! It's time you exploded once and for all 2 the myth that Doctors are serious people, intent on healing the sick, with no MIAD’S PR CATALOGUE ARTIST: AL JAFFE COWS! INTESTINES N Dirty pictures cleverly hidden in Rorschach ards! Ask them what they see... and they'll be too ashamed to tell you! Lots of laughs!! ee PLASTER CASTS Mix our “Itching Powder” into the plaster be- fore applying any type cast! Drives ‘em erazy! ‘Watch them squint, strain and rub their eyes while you how! with laughter! a8 FAKE PRESCRIPTIONS time for foolishness and no sense of humor. (By the way, what are you doing, reading MAD?) You can accomplish this impossible task by using the items in pre ‘Watch ‘em get punched out by their Pharmacist! ADULF-PROOF PILL BOTTLES Ae of these into a patient's plate of hash before the Orderly takes ‘tray of hospital food. Yeow! Perfect for your stubborn overweights! east DISROBE” SIGNS | QUIT 4 eutver ed | ° * 2 Lo Watch as they struggle for h special bottles cannot be opened! hypochondriac (and other complaining) patients! your hallway, your lobby —every- DRIBBLING SPECIMEN BOTTLES e'l look like a Nudist Colony! ER NOSES Lae eB Slip one of these onto your nose job patient before she comes out of the anesthetic! When she does, she'll take one look and go through the roof! ‘TOBEEP...ORNOT TO BEEP DEPT. Aren’t you sick and tired of making phone-calls and getting a recorded message from a'machine? Aren’t you really curious as to what kind of recorded messages TELEPHONE ANSWERI FOR SOME FAMOUS This is RIP VAN WINKLE! I'm not in right now, butif you've got time to ‘walt—like 20 years or so—lust leave your name and the year you called, and I'l get back to you! This is COUNT DRACULA! I'm notin ry coffin right now, but what do you ‘expect from a fly-by-night operation? Ifyou'd like to hear from me, just. state your name, address and blood: type at the sound of the shriek. is DR. JEKYLL! I'm not taking ‘any calls right now ... because | nev- fr know when I'm going to have one of ‘my spells So I've left this message ‘on my machine... which I really want to smash int litle pleces and de stroy! Kindly leave your name at the sound of the beep, and I'l... stab, bludgeon, mangle and murder—and run ‘screaming through the streets with the blood of my vietims dripping, Hi! This the INVISIBLE MANS I'm not at home right now... but even it ity know?! ‘This is SHERLOCK HOLMES! | prefer ot to take your eal at this time! However, atthe sound of the b This is MISS PIGGY, the Divine Swine, yeu may leave your name! From this and | know how disappointed you are to brief utterance, | shal be able to hear only my recorded voice and not the ‘eal mol in personl At the sound of the determine your sex, age, birthplace, education, station in ite, prof sion and what manner of foul play now compels you to seek my services. The rest, dear caller, is elementary! beep, leave your name, your number, and ‘your honest opinion as to why Bo Derek is eating her poor heart out, and . literary characters might have had if they'd owned phones? Aren’t you fed up with ridiculous MAD premises like this one? Well, tough! Because here are ACHINE MESSAGES RARY CHARACTERS This is ROBINSON CRUSOE! You're get ting this recorded message because my ‘man Friday didn't show up t the hut today to take my ealls while I'm out! Not that it really matters... since | haven't had a callin 31 years! Sti, when you hear the sound ofthe beep— ‘This is DARTH VADER I'm sorry, but ‘Tam notin the galany right now! At This isthe FROG PRINCE! I'm not In right now, but if you really want to-communieate with e spotted green Creature that’s icky to touch and catches fies with his tongue, leave your name and your phone number at ‘the sound of the “ribbitribbit" This isthe TIN MAN! It may seem heartless, but your call is being ‘answered by a machine! I'll get back’ t0.yoU just as soon as | finish help- ing this welra litle giel get to Emerald City, wherever that is. Ungawaht This is TARZAN! I'm notin my treehouse right now, so leave your fame and number at the sound of the AAAIYAHEEYAHEEE ‘This is BON CORLEONE! I'm not taking calls right now, but i this is the {Capo from the Tortni Family, we're calling off the Mob War tl after Holy Week! And if this is Fat Loui from the Collaze Family, you can find ‘your brother in the trunk of a 197 Dodge parked on 83rd Street! And if this is Angelo’s Plzas, send up six plain, two with anchovies, four with ‘mushrooms and five with everything! ‘Anybody else, leave your name and number atthe sound ofthe blast... SNAKING DO DEPT. FOR ALL YOU PET LOVERS WHOSE BOA CONSTRICTORS HAVE GROWN TO UNMAI BURGLAR-PROOF BOLT BOA ABLE SIZES, BUT HAVEN'T THE HEART TO GET RID OF THEM, WE BRING YOU... BOA CONSTRICTORS A; @ LIGHT BULB REMOVER BOA VANITY POUF BOA WEATHER STRIP BOA TRACK LIGHTING RAIL BOA We Ns SS VAS FIREMAN’S POLE BOA ROTO-ROOTER BOA Ended Once upon a time, there lived a nice Jewish girl from Brooklyn who could sing real- ly terrific. One day, she read a story about another nice Jewish girl from Eastern een en eee a Oren rea eect m cetacean es etter on cece tim tniess meer Cheeta c ne ar eed could produce, direct, write, sing and star in. What she ended up with was “Tootsie (Obie Cran eer rR re ene Renee Ce ELC UN Cog Pea ea ae eins ie ets ea em een ee Soe ac ee MENTL ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN [That Mentlis = She may know | [ LoOK...1A 7 A LADY Fiddler? ! strange one! [] weuierpne’* | | Fidder on | soindependentt} | “outwhenit | | theroott!_] (thats right! —— | comes to inthis tim, understand || MARRIAGE, | |women take st ° “ with || shekrows the || she hasn't rer ALL the Tmiust | [ where ie said anything \A TALMUD better gota traditional browsing! J itwrittens ‘tthe xing || 0 than any man! || PRAYER...!t JANUARY * = wire Flow sac [ee “What IS UR... why is it tent2||_it smoking? You Don't be angry veep. with me, Papat ‘Ah—haht so THAT It’s your ‘dinner ove you...! WORSHIP you need your sleep! ‘Ment for With all Didéen to pray! im NOT pray im SINGING! So | rest, Papa! You better than any man alive! who wit} [ twit. say the | sae | a forthe Ka] “cansaya, |Z} have dead...25 prayer f | you can THERE!...! Now, Im ready forthe biggest challenge of my ie: ying ‘ooo a of Eastern Europe with the SILLIEST DISGUISE In history! dm Right now, the Cossacks hate the dews JUST for being JEWS! Just wait Into KINKINESS. ke “4 TRANSVESTISM!" me) Tm Chaim. the BLIND MAN...) Pa eee F Racy toget away ‘with te? [Talmud | S...71 How can she hope | ——— wy inthe S- ‘ut twas RabbL True! Butt was Granted! But t| was Rabbi Veldt, twas Rabbi Ben Penska, of Minsk, whe said "A men with fartel al ‘ver is face isnot likely to find gainful employment!" “They don't take ANYONE! You've ‘Mensch, of Pins, who sai, “ust Decause a goat wears a beard oes not neces sarily mean that eis wise!” Rabbi Scharfman, of Krakow, who argue, you pull a man's ‘who observed, 61 Upper Chelen, ‘across the nose with 3 breadstiex! Taive got this Tm wondering if it's toolate to join a Monastery and become a M Well. what do you think, Anachure? Unt we find you lodgings, share my bed... Arocha ‘ u U ‘Okay! So re- mv aote-? [make te bet yess fetish! wor't work, Te gotto e-make the bed! ‘Avadorabiel youd \ i ] [ te re-making the bed toa BUNK BED!! See aA Zcallln Asa, Thats Hadasse, ~———— Thank Pataway | [ Yourelax and Nol mnot sure what “as ine Director] vybined” (Teaoer f] Gee [| sae | (temeae,|| Bey) eae shetmoetie || Suteice vein Anschure! | | jostst nere | [_“s ine ertect Jewish || sre hostt nish every Nowits | | oratense uo! witelshesrich_ || ag'ane Stop! There teens, | La ‘Must you always talk and beautitul— || orga seenteen relaxand LI arent you LU. Taimadet Cart you jr in America who frolic!" F_comingin...? F|_everhave any FUN? aad, ‘are starving! ae Lee at [eet noveate What is this teeing? Should tbe mingling? Myeart s reeling! ed Wy am itingting? Oxntat ase 4] sk Tansvestite! ve got Bad news and good news! The bad news Is Hadassa has broken of her engagement to ‘me! The good news is Te deeded to lt ‘YOU, my best friend, But, there are only TENCommandments!! |__| ore adegcothia tiene he rrvhermmypace!_ eter comianouenr: 4 i, SX “Avadorabe, Fn = realy worried (( why? what about Hadassat |\Y about her Wally to tolax, Anschure! Remember fm Youre Fy What would YOU call acting so [ ] asking ME to carry YOU strange, | [over the threshold...” Ansenure Did do that? | guess AM ma ite nervous! Str FaP J = Stead Mada Right! And you'e the first ge ve ever done that with! And something else! We finished TOGETHER! | [It's my HONEYMOON! Ta sure ike to do SOMETHING exciting! So..? | [Wer Avadorabie. 1 certainly do nol possess the exeiting PHYSICAL magnetism that you have. bul ve awakened other ‘more RELIGIOUS. interests in Hadassai 0) 9 PRATT Hut Who ica? Twouldiine to ER forthe DEAD! ‘you never seen 9 Lnaked woman betore?!_| You'll be happy with Hadassa! Shel cook ‘and elean for you! | Not quite iho THIS ‘But ME you filmed Inthe BUFF! Boy. talk about SEXISM could never do that! What about you, Ment? ONE FINE EVENING ON A BROOKLN STREET im, “oe te Cfo we If fodfsthers | Ghee $' Z, yp HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS MAD FOLD-IN When peoples of other countries think of America’s national symbol, they no longer picture the Bald Eagle! To find out what they DO think of, fold in page as shown. OUD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT THE BALD EAGLE’S ALWAYS BEEN THE NATIONAL AnTisT & WAITER BIRD OF THE U.S.A. BUT THE FEELING AMONG ALJAFFEE MANY FOREIGNERS IS THAT NOW THIS SYMBOLIC ROLE BELONGS TO ANOTHER FAMOUS THING Ay Ce