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Nel aman en At a Newsstand Near You rhallg arith ara erin NUMBER 242 OCTOBER 1983 iathing is you can't quit and rest!” ~Alfred E. Neuman WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor LEONARD BRENNER art director TOM NOZKOWSKI production NICK MEGLIN senior editor JOHN FICARRA associate editor GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, M. C. GAINES subscriptions JACK ALBERT lawsuits ANNE GRIFFITHS logistics CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS AD NAUSEA DEPARTMENT ‘An Advertiser Would Have Us Believe. BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT One Fine Medieval Morning At Home One Afternoon On A Remote Jungle Isiand Gne Fine Evening During Prime Time DOUBTS ALL, FOLKS! DEPARTMENT You're Never Really 100% Sure JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy KNOCK VERSE DEPARTMENT Poetic Tributes To People Who Wouldn't Ordinarily Get Them LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones ‘QUEASY DOES IT DEPARTMENT The MAD Gross-Out Diet STRIP TEASE DEPARTMENT MAD's Do-It'Yourself “Peanuts” Gomic Strip “T" and °A* DEPARTMENT The ®A® Team” (A MAD TV Show Satire) ‘THE FARCE BE WITH YOU DEPARTMENT Star Bores—Re-Hash Of The Jeti” (A MAD Movie Satire) : TRYING TO SLIP BIAS DEPARTMENT How Different Publications Slant The News ‘TWO-BIT OPERATOR DEPARTMENT MAD's Video Game Arcade Owner Of The Year WHOOPEE! CAUTION DEPARTMENT Warning Labels We Desperately Need ** Various Places Around The Magazine NiFin caeion mans ciae een es MER emer eet VITAL FEATURES “STAR BORES —RE-HASH OF THE JETI" (A MAD Movie Satire) Pg. 4 NEVER REALLY 100% SURE VIDEO GAME ARCADE OWNER OF THE YEAR AN ADVERTISER WOULD HAVE US BELIEVE... “THE *A* TEAM" (AMAD TV Show Satire) Pg. 82 WHY KILL YOURSELF? JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUES AT THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO RIAID AND HAVE IT MAILED TO YOUR HOME! '-=-use coupon or duplicate ~--==~ 485 MADison Avenue New York, N¥. 10022 I enclose $9.75*. Enter my name on eo subscription list, and mail me he next 10 issues of MAD Magazine. NAME ADDRESS__ MADison Avenue, N,N 10082 LETTERS DEPT. “TOOTSIE” 1 would really like to know why you ‘exchuded Charles Durning from your "Toor se Role” satire. He wis definitely one ofthe funniese characters in the movie Tw Larry Siegel and I both saw the Chi Florence, Al ‘The reason Charles Durning didnot appear in Tootsie Role” is because he wos busy on locetion filming @ new movie when the MAD solve wos drown, As for whether or ot you fond Lary Segel sow the some film, Larry toys he wor ot the 6:15 showing ond he doesn't remember seeing you there.—Ed, “GIMME A BREAK” bea fin of "Gimme A Break” fate your putting down this ow. If you're gonna make make fun of “Lewwe Ie To Beaver” or something like cha. ‘Dwayne Todd Dayton, Obi Les ‘Why don’ yu give everybody a break? Dont waste yout paper and our money by aking fun Of exceedingly mind eroding ng of ins who art beyend hope!) Bee Cuntingha Upehukonuee, FL RIPOFF! search throagh your files fo DISCOVER THE APE IN YOUR PAST ‘Just A Coincidence??? MAD (Planet OF The Apes) Discover" is owned by Time In. (Remember the great Pac-Man cover scandal?) Need we $07 wore? Ed, RIPOFFS CONTINUED Enclosed isa clipping from the June 1, inion of the San Diego Tribune. I r Tooks a whole lor like the cover of MAD #240 (On stle May 12¢h!) Freda Phalan MAD ESP. ass x Vivienne Gold omoNRNe sant SHO PROS man 8 Wile lease Address All Correspondence To: MAD, Dept. 242, 485 MADison Avenue New York, New York 10022 LOOK...! DOWN IN THE SKY...! ITSA BIRD res A PLAIN ITS STUPID, MAN! BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM MAD’S MILD-MANNERED MADDEST ARTIST? On Sale Now At Your Fav aps =) DON MARTIN Presents: jorite Bookstand, Or Yours By Mai ————— = — == = Use coupon or duplicate —-————— NAME ADDRESS 485 MADison Avenue PLEASE SEND ME: he oy of mag ‘Soanetrtg AD ithe eels MAD ihe on let AD Steno aao lhe tera The fk HAD he fn aD Sore eM Seam RD Theva mao ina ies ok he sae AD fhe Medea nO. Miao seam Sroane Pee : MD Ces ung Te MAD Pes het CAPTAIN, KLUIZ IL CLA MAD Corsival Eaplosie MAD EEEEEED I Ca Hi epuneoeE: Sing long With ‘Aton 1 weds eter Outside te US. a 1stata, IN Comes on Strong io ia ES Viva MAD INES MAD about MAD RAGONES MAD i Yous RAGONES 1. MAD ie st. IRAGONES MAD 2: Ihe Devil AGONES curly MAD AGONES Shootin” MAD ARAGONES MAD Morzinals CORRAGONES MAD As 2 Hatter CIARAGDNES MAD Menagerie MAD fr Better or Verse ENCLOSE $1.75 FOR EACH (Minimum Order: $5.25) city New York, NY. 10022 eae Zips SE ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THESE OTHER MAD. PAPERBACK BOOKS I'VE CHECKED BELOW: 24D Hot Sgr CTMAD flking Stamps The MAD Jumble Book ‘More MAD About Speris SOMAD Around the World I rops 13 Stores ws Captain Kat nN Cooks. Poltcaly MAD “MAD Look atthe Future CLMAD Book of Mysteries } MAD Grade to Grave Primer COMAD Make Out Book TOMAD Giobbers the Classis COMAD Book of Revenge CIMAD Guide to Careers “MAD Sura Handbook OMAD's Fast Ling iMistary Gone MAL 1 The MAD Worry Book I MAD Weeds Watchers Gude MAO Siew The Sound of MAD. S EDMING Bizarre Bazaa EDMING Book ot Almost Superheroes Gods Lelters fo MAD FORGES How No To Doi SCORER MAD Pot Book mes On nds Read AD \We cannot be responsible for cash Tas or stolen inthe Mai. Check ‘or Money Order Preferred! For NP: ity Wel then. ust = dave your ors! Thats cause ]] ste Chubby The foye erahat Iimnctadost || Fatt Wehave aoe ee 3, Ficomesn wor it wonder Ze hours Gor Brora Youre Hiaveyoubeen |i] been gong. 2 rorheye warshoning Listen ma sada rennet UI wet nes LI aromea octane rats matomatelad Goyecwanntt_ [| by esting! FL GUNG! Greetings, Your rye-come here to bargain for |_| | won't give him Royal Fatness! Ham Solo’ life! But | sidn't up! | like look came here empty-handed! |have | | ing at him there 3 SURPRISE GIFT for you! The ‘ TWO DROID tha is message are the git! The fact that they DON'T KNOW they're ‘the gift th q ‘Chewbacco?! Is He ityou? Istill ff excited to so can't see. but f YOU, Chewbacco the smells ut you don't unmistakable! J see ME using What do you say YOUR leg as 0 tm pone | fire hydrant! I've come here Gee! And Fighting this ugly monster is BAD ENOUGH! But what makes it even worse is: He's not HOUSEBROKEN!, mil =a) 1 ‘ mn That thing was |a[ Yes, and we just spent a fortune For kiling our Headquarters’ mascot, you | [ Wow! your PET... ['] to buy a pooper scooper for him! will all die! Ailexcept for the Broad Just Ty re who will wear a leash and be my "Playmate | | like FRR you will al de Nike much. but we || bravely...but are the galaxy’s © if anyone wishes, He iargest exporter [] he or she may #| “of "beaches"! WW beg for mercy! You tell that slimy ‘Now. Chubby The ]| pile of fly-strewn, ==] ‘Fatt hopes that || dung that none ot t may not look ‘of the Month"! The rest of you will be when taken to the Dune Sea, where you will be thrown into the Pit of the Gee:Spet, tne resting place of Karnac! There you stay in his stomach for one hundred years! Quick! Hand Ht My LIGHT SABER. ‘me my light ‘aber. my trends will beg for mercy! As for tell that loveable old Santa Claus that I'm What flavor! Lemon or lime? Suey LI Thiat That's because | switened to "Duracell"! Lite Savers! Duracells! ‘When they said that this movie was going to be 3 they waren’t kidding! Strong fam with the Force, Lube, [ Yodel, you seern]| you from a man who| but rest me soon|| to be talking a || years old 90071? fm forever... ie backward! S \ \ English perfect?” Tye come back for the UT Then ma Jeti Master?! | fest of my training! Let me this way ‘Yodel died...and he just DIS. purt!Oneot fc: APPEARED! What a great way No! Yet not! First your Parents he to save on Funeral Expenses! Ts! Ang your Mother he's not! Finished is your sent you! But perhaps lost it ur Yodel spoke of “hy sisTER” Y My inner self ANOTHER whois This is the perfect time. to attack the Death Star! ‘The weapon system is non operational, the Emperor himself aboard, and we haven't wrecked anything in almost seven minutes! and also LalbuP?? with the Force! the fact that ‘Okay! So the Boogeyman DION" D she's the only take him away!! Remember, Lube, the ||” The other he etna! Tast time you asked me about your spoke of is these "Star Father, you were five years ol! your Sister! ores" movies! Your inner Now, what well use THE CRUISERS WILL Mote sles sal Caen ey creme ADTERSION, isouiaiaiatierane’ [ret bucket Sure Waite THE NGnERS Gaitecwerctal pc’ 2 Soawtocnec iy oiecriy nro clitinen her seccur fF geur ff siptan ve toest THE POWER CENTER. ‘Off Duty sign, they'll ff cargo moon trees for the AND KNOCK OUT THE ve eeitee mean Sag? Ml Rechaarastere RAN REACTOR eaciesethe Dent) ft soar] Hossa Pavcont ‘00k at 11 Oh-oh! They've spotted this Trooper's [| ust We'd better take a "By. |] DEMONSTRATION RIDE! I've heard of going back to Saar That's the Looks | fiat time tke’ |) in my tte Te geen One thing’s sure! ! Atleast we wont (gd @ "have to worry about getting ant tire! ii neces ew - They tink you're | [-Ungawah BY is [oveenectwenn tise core fi SLC [inarasery I musta devake || Seeeay A) i, | NeSuetod 38s atte atl oF |[amasey [f aseoitere: || “Rosrae ott | wasaPRerSntnd rave ee suck itea| ete, A wresiSey tn [Lier wit MMe uate beret oe See ener cea Sea, } my Jeti ]} think { REALLY knew how Powers to{t he's} touse my powers float jf» Goo {f full, we wo Creepio {f° and f never tave be Ive got news for you! | just fart Zader! He may seem all _dieavered that Dart zader is | St ‘bad, out | firmly belleve that in every bad, there's some good! And in every ae 4 Of course, #1 | Vim glag you're safe, Laidup! { overtne Pistus § inthis nan “ilimy “darkness, there's some {econ et Soe, tnd Barstools my old it andin every ev er —— Hoover Vacuum Cleaner, and— " That's some talk coming trom a Son wha never phoned or dropped mea Tine in over ten light years! you will call And if you want a closer view, = me "Master i In the telescope! (Good! Good! The hate s (Or perhaps you'd ‘Come, Lube,..fight © Gecause last time, the good ‘swelling in you! Give like me to dust the Tor your Me... [side of my evil side was the into your anger, Lube! furniture, .oF wax stronger side! But this time, ‘Soon, you will do my the floors... or the evil side of my good side bidding! Soon, you wil |) you brush your robe. ' the much stronger si be my servant... n or shine your shoes? Bo eg we ‘And now, it's really hard to tell WHICH side you're ont! Good work, Lube! Your Father ‘Notmally was my "right hand man” Twould || Idon't put mom, thanks toyou,he has || ra requests, but onayi i ge ''m giving you a billion ‘You saved my lite, Jf No, Lube, that's, und this secret volts, Lube, And if this Father! You threw [because of my e to the shi bunker ‘doosn't kill you, your the Emperor cown ff BAD EYESIGHT! lectrc bill WiLL" the shafts that because of your ‘GOOD SIDE? SECRET EMTNCE TO SHLD GEeRATOR BUHER Barstool was decoding the combina] " No, because they're two tion to this special lock when he rn ‘milion dollars ot high J? H| technology that can be ‘tripped up and destroyer with a fow heavy logel! Hah! The Emperor thinks that this little band of rebels attemating to destroy his @ more than 3 “Mi aL Well, nes WRON Star is nothing ry Mouse Operation"! isn't he, gang Holy Cosmos! The Death Star is FULLY OPERATIONAL! How could they have gotten it ready on such short notice?! Obviously, they used NON-UNION Tabor! “Thanks for |[ No problem! helping me |} —uip—glad | take my mask || my looks from MOI side of the faril Don't ook now, Buddy...but_ of you spoke too scon! Only don't worry! The sink’s on our side! Its just one more special effect designed to send the Emperor's ‘evil Death Star down the érain... Ss Yeah, great! But what “tt The BRIDE’s side a'siringe wedding is FJ "of the fom ave never USHERED Sa wedding where the (4 guests wate divided (Ro THREE groupe. ‘and the DEAD side ‘of the fami WHOOPEE! CAUTION DEPT, Recently, the yn those chilling notices on te packs telling us that erous to our health, smoking can kill us. Since then, these labels have ranged first to appear were from meaningless (Warning! This medication contains bio- WARNING LABELS __ J HERSHELS MoU Ud FLAVORED TSI SyNE TH 3 NOTICE These slacks have bee cheaply de loiter FATTIES BEWARE! in Taiwan. and should never be worn in any |] Each glob of this sauce contains enough calories public place where having the seat of your] | to add three full pounds to some portion of your pants split open might cause embarrassment. || widening body where you least want it to settle. ee ge Very ce: : Mee uaa A cael rau | DRS ees ruts Pua aia crviLiZED Prospective p juld be aware that young dogs require training, which includes the blotting up of disgusting stuff from your brand which your puppy walking in all a day for their sulfuric enzymes.”) to ridiculous (“Note: The EPA 1 feels there are still many unregulated items that const rating for this car is not what you can expect from normal ets should be cautioned about. Frankly, we won't consider driving.”) Despite this flood of questionable labels, MAD ourselves protected until they pass laws requiring these DESPERATELY NEED WRITER; TOM KOCH MOEZ_Y HROZEN Broceol y \ gn Re WARNING! This package of Frozen Broccoli, when cooked, will not only taste awful but will also stink up your whole house much tworse than expected > a 5 iia 5, Pe eC cc) Oe oe CR er cet TAKE HEED! This book contains much tamer sexy parts than the cover illustration would lead you to belive, and it certainly isn’t lend. enough for the dedicated porno fancier who wants something really raunchy TAKE CARE! You need a Master's Degree in Computer Engineering to fully understond all the buttons on this alarm clock to get it to function properly so you wont coversleep ond lose your job and end up on welfare FINAL WARNING? Excessive hing as been found w ease hrsin danage liver rot, Mhesefine. if yon plant consume this DOUBTS ALL, FOLKS! DEPT, Ben Franklin once said, “There are two things in life that are certain: death and taxes!” Which may be true... but it got us to thinking about how many UN- A MAD GUIDE TO SOME OF LIFE’S ANNO was absolutely necessary for you to go ---if abstract art is a big through six agonizing weeks of root canal work! or if you're just stupid, and m P| RE S| |i fas: -.if your TV Guide has the correct. ...if your Union is killing you or guesis listed for the “Tonight Show"! saving you when it calls a strike! certain things there are in life... things that we're never 100% sure about! ‘And boy, are there plenty! Here is just a we now bring you ING LITTLE UNCERTAINTIES...OR... .--if the person you meet in a bar means if when he or she says, “FMl call you!™! — When'you eall...and get no answe buying today if that big, barking, ferocious-looking dog ‘te tomorrow! Suse wants 10 play” like its owner says it does! YOU'RE NEVER REALLY Wwu% SURE... all piece of Skylab Still falling to Earth...with your name on it! her S100 off the st a bit Longer! -if an elevator is supp ike i a tually, : toilet flush just did... or if the cable is about t0 kitchen faucet! TWO BIT OPERATOR DEPT. Hi! I'm Clint Westwood, and | make a million bucks a picture! | used to think that was easy money until | discovered someone who really makes a fistful of dollars! So let’s step into the Milky Way Arcade and meet Philo Starbuck. -MAD’S VIDEO GAME ARCADE OWNER OF THE YEAR = Mr. Starbuck, 1S been said that you are a money-hungry ‘operator who's get ting rich at the expense of kids! That may be true, Clint, but atleast my Arcade keeps the kids off the streets, away from crime and violence! shaki Tittle kid his last quarter! {24 | cara They're using the money they took to play Tempest! ‘On the ether hand Tewould, except that ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES. WRITER: FRANK JACOBS \ buy pirated machines That mast make the very happy! manufacturer at half the cost! But what if the manu: facturer finds out??? Pac-Mar Poc-Man, or Pye Man or Puke Man! boys will be boys! But those are Megal imitations! You's be guilty of fraud! What Wwould you say it you never Was: much good at spelling! were hauled into Court? eS 2 afraid of that! Putan, ‘Out Of Order” sign on it, and we'llget itn working order after we close! HEY, Boss, just checked et Redyooct] ys créer"? inere W's So olay! e ‘Gut playing these games requires such eoncenta: tion! Doesn't the noise distract the customers? That's because we keep all the ‘pean wou! [f] LF” tet me ei about that while | turn up the Rock music on the jukebox... l babi A Ae ‘See that guy there’ [You mean the big hulk] walking around swing ‘Much worse! The instructions were Took T don't want your lousy excuses! The machines that | | clear and concise! | you sent me were | | it took my workers NO GoD! You have | | HOURS to serape {_torepace her! _| | sn seat hom at least they [Were they damaged] ey aaa eee [Anat Bort 4 = Right! She just rubs up against the top players, aE b a fo a \ ‘ & - ¢ Gy qt Look, Kids love a JCHALLENGE! Part ‘f that challenge is mastering the game rulest I'm merely adding a ‘new dimension! et SAL rN yl Which?) f ey Starbick, | ae Let's see: “Protect Vieen from mean Fleen Queen by unleashing sreen Gleens. 5 million Pleens. Smeds, in which case you must activate your Flack Stack to smack Zrack whose crack pack will attack the black Yak. Piling Zrack (Great game, TON? a Nake thet 50 mes, 2710 you're in the ball park Who can tell Just to figure out what's Your experience going on, someone is PP would nave to play PM “telis you this game 30 times! 5 L The winners of this" No, to IDENTIFY them— ‘month's "Video Game |] so we can bar them when Championships"! The || they come in again! | best players in town! =) mean, wha needs some Tereepo punk tying up 8 machine for an hour with one lousy quarter! That must make him Feet pretty special, huh...” ‘What was here for 7 hours playing “Warlords! il “fhe spent all his beg or steal another [ ] cash on DRUGS, I'd $30 and do it again! | | “Lose the sucker! | excites? That happy ed Hecieshs [icironeneme fses ees eae eects iba bacon ta The Top Scorer No, he's the Ris 3) ° that kid over | | don't want ‘your kind there playing de" | "in reret_| ie Thotice you $= ant that discrimination? | Ps | [That's one of our) Led ways of Keeping | [No, i's GOOD BUSINESS!| “aetS oot Wa A iar opand ten don't want‘ [| page antl WHY People ike him are bad for business! Chet, tis] [ GET OUT troublemaker] | AND sTay| [ Whois he] | was hassling || OUT! We a sex offender? | | home for dinner! Rerary peyeho?? \ ‘Centipede”! Worsell Guys would be taking them to movies ‘or ie cream parlors or pleza joints. instead of spending their money HERE! cashier! Sam the Shiv cleans up! And Don Tor tolone HIMSELF comers Inafter closing to count the day's taket ‘sure! Big Loves ny oa nd tal Vito to Tean on that kid cunning up the big score on Frogger!! on Video Game Arcade owners Tunderstand | [hint Tet the IRS is, you | dee! cracking down | | dollar The way kids shel who cheat on LJ out those quarters, | |e sh that could amount’ | | QUARTER fying income! to quite a tot!" Take i ae 2 cme. Sy And when aid | how tong [PJ we openea you start curdoors |. j| showing | onthe || PRoritee "7, Gl Right after tinent te play your video games! They're jealous, Clint Like I said—| ‘Schools teach THEORIES! 1 kids DON MARTIN DEPT. PART I FINE ae a AT HAE HOORAY’ v TRYING TO SLIP BIAS DEPT. This article is directed at the few people left who actually read newspapers! Be on your guard! It’s a well-known fact that newspapers tend to slant the news toward their own editorial lean- ings. If you don’t believe us, just take a look at these past headline stories which provide... ASHORT HISTORY ~ SHOWING * HOW DIFFERENT PUBLICATIONS SLANT THE JRISH FREE PRESS DUBLIN, IRELAND SUNDAY, JULY 20,1960 GOD SAVES SENATOR KENNEDY | AS CATHOLIC GIRL DROWNS RELIGIOUS PAIR BELIEVED TO BE EN ROUTE TO MIDNIGHT MASS Ted Prays For Nine Hours Before Leaving Scene ‘Accident Blamed On Faulty Bridge Bult By talian “WPRAVDA: RUSSIAN HOCKEY TEAM [i ALLOWS U.S. TEAM TO CONT h Tid Cate Ta CLEVER PLOY USED TO MAKE THEM FORGET INVASION OF AFGHANISTAN Sacrifice Necessary To East “Now They'll Send Us Wheat,” Says Premier Brez NEWyoRk cry BLACKOUT BY DELIBERATE ABUSE OF ELECTRIC OUTLETS ENTIRE EASTERN SECTION OF COUNTRY DARKENED BY MALICIOUS CUSTOMERS 80 Million People In Conspiracy To Ruin Company ‘Company Plans To Bring Damage Suit Against Populace TROVEMBER 0156 CUSTOMERS CAUSE MASSIVE ian CHRYSLER CORP. MAKES U.S. GOV'T. A PARTNER IN ITS OPERATION Rumor Denied That The “lacocca” Is Chrysler's “Edsel” NEWS FOR ABOUT JE wasiincron, vc, YOUR ax CONGRESSIONAL «ss MARCH 4, 1981 Recon der FBI AGENTS DRESSED AS ARAB SHEIKS CORRUPT U.S. CONGRESSMEN HONEST POLITICIANS HOODWINKED BY DEVIOUS GOVERNMENT AGENCY Video Tapes Reveal Illegal Bureau Activities Senalor Harrison Willams Demands Full Investigation National ENQUIRER ENQUIRER PAYS $1,600,000 TO CAROL BURNETT IN HUGE PLANNED PUBLICITY STUNT SALES SOAR DURING TWO-WEEK TRIAL | ‘A SMALL PRICE TO PAY FOR SUCH NATIONAL EOS SANS OUR CHIEF Se Plans Underway To Smear er Johnny Carson Next BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. THe LietrE RECORDS DENTISTS — = \ r | [Geeta | | be AFRAID ANNOYANCES GRAFFITI 5) [okay eugnt you reanandes Thats : Paiting gation that wal | Just ike that, |'m supposed to turn over a small fortune seit) [twas GOLDFISH my Mother . tole me at to forget to FEED while she was AWAY! Tike two exotic ‘opieal fish? a & 3 3 4| 4 2 z x Z| STRIP TEASE DEPT, In past issues, MAD has presented All-Inclusive, Do-It Yourself versions of Newspaper Stories, Songs, Comedy Routines, ete. Now, for all you “Peanuts” fans who have fun reading the strip, here is your chance to have fun writing it. (Hey, Charlie Schulz! If you want to take a vacation, feel free to take advantage of this clever article!) Simply fill in the numbered balloons from the corresponding numbered lists, and you'll be creating... MAD'S ALL-INCLUSIVE DO-IT-YOURSELF PEANUTS ‘COMIC STRIP 30 ARTIST. JACK RICKARD WRITER: FRANK JACOBS WOURE A BORN LOSER / YOUR HEAD COULD DOUBLE AS A SOFTBALL! EVERYONE: ABUSES YOu! YOu GIVE LIVING & BAD NAME! YOUVE GOT A PIN- CUSHION FOR A BRAIN! WOURE THE JOKE OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD! IN YOUR HONOR! TO PAY TRIBUTE TO YOUR LEADERSHIP! ON YOUR, BIRTHDAY! SO THE GANG CAN SHOW SOU HOW We FEEL! TO KICK OFF "CELEBRATE CHARLIE BROWN WEEK"! YOULL REMEMBER THE REST OF GOUR LIFE! TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT! AT LEAST I FAMOUS FOR SOMETHING! COMING FROM YOU, THATS PRAISE! I LOVE IT WHEN YOU SWEET-TALK! IT TOOK YOU 25 YEARS TO FIND THAT OUT? DO WOU KEEP THIS UP FOR FOUR PANELS? A-A PARTY FOR ME! WOU MEAN YOURE WOT SETTING ME UP? qouVVe SURE CHANGED / ITLL BE GREAT GETTING SOME RESPECT ! TLL SURE ENJOY BEING WITH MY FRIENDS ! HOW CAN I EVER THANK OU? NOBODY RECOGNIZES YOUR FINER QUALITIES ! YOU'RE ADMIRED BY YOUR FRIENDS AND TEAMMATES! ‘YOU DESERVE MUCH BETTER TREATMENT / WITHOUT You, IL WOULD 8 NOTHING! YOUR HEART 1S AS BIG AS ALL OUTDOORS! YOURE KIND AND DECENT AND LOYAL / YOURE NOT INVITED ¢ IT'S ON THE DAY YOURE OUT OF TOWN! THE PARTY WAS YESTERDAY! YOU'LL BE THE OWLY ONE THERE! I WAS TESTING TO SEE HOW GULLIBLE YOU ARE! IM TELLING EVERVONE ITS FOR LiNUS! I MUST BE IN THE WRONG STRIP / WHY ISNT SHE SUCKING UP TO SCHROEDER ? I WISH I WERE BRIGHT ENOUGH TOKNOW WHAT SHES UP TO? WOBODY'S EVER THIS NICE TOME! IVE GOT A FEELING THIS |S GOING 10 COST ME! I THINK I LIKED IT BETTER WHEN SHE DESPISED me! rte KILL MioELF! mavse I SHOULD RETIRE! TLL GO HOME AND BEAT uP SNOOPH! LNEED DEEP THERAPY ! Tut pur A CONTRACT OUT ON HER! TLL TRY REPLACING ANDY CAPPI KNOCK VERSE DEPT. Back in the old days, Poets wrote poems glorifying lowly people, like Longfellow’s "Village Blacksmith” and Kipling’s “Gunga Din.” Well, there aren't any Longfellows around today, but there are a lot of folks working in lowly occupations. MAD feels that it’s time these people were saluted TO PEOPLE WHO in rhyme, which is why we now offer these To A Mugger When you were just a lad of six, You found a kid could get his kicks By pounding on his little baby broth Before you knew it, you w And showed you had a f ‘You snatched a purse belonging to y P= “Twas then you found you had it made As through th {you plied your trade, Attacking passersby who were defenseless: to take the ‘lub, to kick wwement lying senseless, Discovered joys you ne At seventeen you flourish ‘And after Your day would never be complete Until you'd smacked and rolled some local drunk there. Today, not even middle age Can dim the glory of your rage; You haven’t met the man who can control you: Although for now you take it slow, because you know In 1995 they will parole you. WOULDN'T ORDINARILY GET THEM To A Plumber To A Garbage Man To A Parking Attendant Your face has not been sculptured ; marble or in bronze: that n ing stoppe He wrecks our sleep, disturbs our peace, Leaves trails of ege-shells, lard and grease, ir front-yard grass res and broken glass, ouls our flower-bed id moldy bread! ‘Who needs it when you charge Of fifty bucks an hour? it up in days to come: joy each future labor: if you recover from To A Mover Behold the mighty Hell handle gently boxes With loving care he sets down erates Of vases, lamps and costly plate F any cause to: it clear However, we should ma If you belies You probably bel To A Loan- When money’s scarce and we' by banks all over tow We turn to you because we know You gladly ie 2 Lat or eal th postal clerks 1 no dged s herd day's works 75 i of mail he stands ‘ own two hands: \ fro} sacks, a Then piles them ly stacks, Forever he's regaling folks In which they sit five days and then they'll be impressed Are dumped back in their sacks again: of withholding tax, deductions and the rest: He rattles off accounting tales and other deadly stuff— ‘And now we'll end this verse be we've bored you long enough. He empties te And somehow miss a payment on the date which we've agreed, Why, who’s to say you shouldn't get ‘upset from such delays, And break an arm 0 show the folly of our ways? To A Forgotten Government Official A man can be a Congressman And run a big committee; A man can be a Governor ‘And yet we know y for murder’s not your ga ‘Small ender/Ad Ne'oal Or Mayor of a city: You'd never kill your fellow man He b ith pele, as | ‘A man can be a diplomat because, wi q this job And put on fancy airs; Unless a client's left alive Moneta But when a President, you never will get paid. Let's face it—no one cares. ‘would not go th 34. TH RNOON ON A REMOTE J UNGLE ISLAND INE APTE AD NAUSEA DEPT. MAD has often denounced advertising as a deliberate insult (o our intelligence. We've never quite believ- ed that future happiness depended upon using a razor that cuts whiskers off below the skin line, or that friends would turn on us if the fish we were cooking smelled like fish cooking. So the ads that preached AN ADVERTISER WOU ARTIST: JACK DAVIS. An Advertiser Would Have Us Believe... An Advertiser Would Have Us Bi eres ; za ' “ 4 os ANT <.that guests will soon be rushing into our flinging open our kitchen cabinets and subject to humiliation ifour glassware has a few water spots. if we lose our possessions in a hostile intry, our chances of survival will depend upon what brand of travelers’ checks we were carrying. An Advertiser Would Have Us Believe... An Advertiser Would Have Us Believe... ick, big city announcer bec totally our home is destroyed, the tworthy when grocer’ phone will still work to call our Insurance Agent... but \d speaks with a New England twang. only if we've had the good sense to pick the right Agent. it, then every TV commercial would make sense. It's these doctrines struck us as dumb. But from the Ad- it, Man's point of view, our limited not his just a matter of dropping our sales resistance (and to see Our sanity) to accept the following points that... fault. If only we'd see life as he D HAVE US ea Le wren. Tom KooH jer Would Have Us Believe... ft the Post Office Department's fast servi : I” is a bargain at $9.35, even though it’s the very same composed of 10% fish that used to be called “Special Delivery” and cost 30¢. heads, 10% chicken guts and 80% water. An Advertiser Would Have Us Believe... An Advertiser Would Have Us Believe... -that we would expect to pay "8200... «that it will sell no wine before its time, $500...even $400" for the polyester suit isc happy and grateful that it just beeame time to sell all that’s now being offered to us for $79.95. ten million bottles they've got stored in their warehouses. 37 An Advertiser Would Have Us Belie -that acquiring a 36-inel wavy blonde hair and perfect bo pends upon choosing the right low-calorie diet cola. An Advertiser Would Have U: --.that the preserv of our American Way depends upon 4 some idiot to Congress who hasn’t done anything for us in twelve years. An Advertiser Would Have Us Believe... tea , ENDER Ti I beg to spend the whole e brushing their teeth if only we'll buy them the good- tasting toothpaste with the red stripe down each glob. An Advertiser Would Have Us Bel expensive psychi: by switehing to its brand of decaffe .e for a few weeks. An Advertiser Would Have Us Believe... Se (ik very finicky about the enlistees that its brand of 87-octane gasoline will make the high-skill job training rear run like new even though every other brand sto the lucky ones who get in. of 87-octane gasoline makes it sputter and wheeze. sily 4 --Daughter talks consist of spreac putting our money in a savings bank that pays ing the word that liberated women no longer must accept us 5%% interest and gives us a free toaster. static electricity in their laundry as a burden of life. An Advertise at no one taking a "Comparison Taste ” among cola drinks ever concluded that all seem pretty much alike after all. a9 gasoline is being used to finance the search for new oil that will someday enable the company to lower its prices. UEASY DOES IT DEPT. LOSE WEIGHT (MAINLY BECAUSE 1 Have your pet hound kiss you right zi Gs" 40 after he eats, Just before you eat. Use plates and cups with thumbprints and lipstick marks. YOU LOSE YOUR APPETITE) WITH... SS-OUT OleT WRITER ANO ARTIST: PAUL PETER PORGES Leave your refrigerator unplugged ZL during those hot spells in August. Dine with someone who has halitosis or dandruff or acne. wii, A pot 3 sia toa detailed account of an operation. Eat something that's still alive. “7 AND A® DEPT, Do you need a group of highly-paid skilled professionals who can operate within and around the law to accomplish dangerous specialized assignments? Then hire ‘THE «: . INE Today, the 4 are til fugitives hunted by ine Authorities Do you belev that ANYONE hang. the Author WASP turkeys ties CANT? Tike them!” the old “Mission Impossible” team! But if you want a group of bumbling misfit mercenaries whose only advantage is: they always forget to get paid, then try “TEAM Thats "BM .tor | [ova | [Winey ]{ Thisshows so v you think ] [ Who ELSE would be stupid enough Black Muthun*! He's | | buy || cant |] violent, idiotic bull Swish | | to use a disguise that's so obvious, either a Black dude | | tat tind || and insensitive: "The "A Team’? | |_iilatiract everyone's attention” Yeah! You's think you This any LT Tal me your problem nL Fortwo reasons! One better? _P]_three sentences or tess! se itean fitin the “TV GUIDE PRO. Not much!|=1 Why only three sentences?] | GRAM LISTING’ ‘And two. That's: You You'll Right! Only sixty minutes, not count- iyousut. |[Agroopatteroratsrave || realy |] cutinea | | rove to. || ingcommeriaty station beaks net inathenee || eapedamacewrpower | grant |] “the stk promot od ade, news easton MASTENGUGH,|| plant nerywe nreets | -E——] Sin ond tne coming aration for next ‘no one will free their leader from pris- ‘Are you in have much week's show! All in all, that leaves: Maser || “on theywittiowup te F] cram || 6 mae f stata || ptatord reese masse || want's || OU mae arte: || amounts ot Sealy radon! [|] area |] seoevGex el We don't want a word of this to get out, or there'll be panie in the streets, understand? Our mission fs hush-hush. Weil tak about that k Now about |] you notify the Nuclear Regulatory the || Agency? They've got an emergency, FEE Ted alert, catastrophe hot line! for the *a* UT Thom... Unfortunately, i's an UNLISTED NUMBER! AY fAfter you hang up. | ‘eat the phone so nobody ican trace the call oy, SD errwr |g Yano... aften wonder 1 taking off with the tires SCREECHING like that isthe best way to travel around unnoticed! The only | YOU know that...and ! know that! But since he can pluck fl 2 person's arms off like they ‘were DAISY PETALS, let's Yeah, but we DIDN'T think you meant with ‘See? | TOLD you we could ‘out stopping at Comfort Stations! | think drive across the country in two days without stoppingt || Murdreck EXPLODED going through Ohio! = Because he's the brains of the organ ization! somuch Trouble! Keep it our litle secret! He said “appear Hey, Man! ‘to be" You want to keep Here! ive arranged for phony 10's for by posing as fellow terrorist! ‘Then, you two will follow up with Ein prime time! 2 shootout tat will appear to be AY There are little f| ‘20 orgy of blood ana maynem! |] kids watching! NN each of you! T don’t think you're gonna get away Thats He's right! One more with that disguise, Handbel..!.” | | HANNIBULL! No. so much "You mean i so much > Hmmmmm! tve gat! Vie're with You calling me al[~ Un, the plant's Control Butts fp] Weiltakealongone | | the organ Wart! Because || "Weil so dark of the kids who live ization! you ARE, | just in J) intheret JB] around here! Vm sure We got 2 ‘ight decide to todos swim up the disposal 1] How arewe fa] thot. by nom message |4 have your face conduit pipe, and wo're there! | | Zona see? a the dank Yor the {or breakfast! TID. untilyou told em you Were in real ee == Ob, yeah? We thought you hhad them con were in the Beverly Hill Unit troublenow. | [And besides your ignorance, you |] try an episode vineed, B Mt! ‘operating out of Gueei'st! Hannibilee!_| | know what else strikes me odd? |] WITHOUT me. That. week after week, you're no |] and it’s just That's more help tome than an ordinary J see who'll watch ea D er y , 5 2 7 ie C. Viknow... there's something | can never figure out! How come the lighting s always | so blindingly bright in al | weekly Sitcoms and Adventure ‘shows, no matter whether t's '2n interior or an exterior day oF night shot”? Gee, that's a pretty cabbie dangerous mission! Bick his Howcome you made NOSE HER dot? | waiting for the light t0 change” Thanks for not only doing a great job, but also ple ith below-average There you go AGAIN! How we gonna pay for renting thet ‘copter, the transportation |] we used. the ammunition we |] burned, tne ving expenses we incurred, the private property we destroyed... 7! Well ALWAYS I” No.._from all the be fugitives on the lam! Collection Agencies that are after us to pay ihe enormous BILLS we keep run hing up on these idiotic missions! ONE FINE EVENING DURING PRIME TIME 7 |< ool TARO TIAT r y 9 Z : QE pp, nS ll A is Ten “fo O04 Z 9p \ ) iS ‘yw HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS MAD FOLD-IN America’s drinking habits are constantly changing. What we drink, where we drink and how we drink depends on many varied factors. To find out what has caused the latest big change in our drinking habits, fold in this page as shown at the right. FOLOTHIS SECTION OVERLEFT 4B FOLD BACKSO “A” MEETS “B" MOST STUDIES OF DRINKING HABITS HAVE antista waren: GONTAINED MISINFORMATION. HERE, WE HAVE ELIMINATED THE NONSENSE. ONCE WE START TO DRINK, WE'VE GOT TO PAY THE PRICE—SOONER OR LATER! Ay Be