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“ET.” “STAR TREK Il” “ANNIE” DON MARTIN ++ AND THE USUAL GANG OF IDIOTS ARE ALL IN THIS ISSUE OF... OUR PRICE ‘ i 4 i 7; | ‘ il MAD 485 MADison Avenue |", New York, N. 2 pte | enclose $9.75* Please send a 10 Issue GIFT SUBSCRIPTION TO: NAME. ADDRESS. crry STATE zip. AND SENO A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT BLAMING " len ie ria 0 Cie on Fgh PRSERED f a e ee 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 | enclose $9.75* Please send a 10 Issue GIFT SUBSCRIPTION TO: NAME ADDRESS, crry. STATE ZIP. ‘AND SEND A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT BLAMING NUMBER 236 JANUARY 1983 ‘A born executive is a guy whose father 0 business! —Alfred E, Neuman WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B, FELDSTEIN editor LEONARD BRENNER ar director TOM NOZKOWSKI production NICK MEGLIN senior editor JOIN FICARRA associate editor GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI subscriptions JACK ALBERT lawsuits ANNE GRIFFITHS logistics CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the ustil gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of 26 DON MARTIN OUT-TAKE DEPARTMENT eT” n “Annie 21 “Star Trek il 48 ERR APPARENT DEPARTMENT How Many Mistakes Can You Find In This Picture? (A Discount Stereo Hi-Fi Store) 24 FUNNIES’ BONES DEPARTMENT ‘A MAD Guide To The Anatomy Of The Human Body Based On The Comics. 35 GAUL BUSTING DEPARTMENT Chutzpah Is 2 GIVING ET THE FINGER DEPARTMENT “QqT—The Quasi-Terrestrial” (A MAD Movie Satire)... 4 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings of Reader Mail MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones ORPHAN RUINING DEPARTMENT ‘Awful Annie” (Another MAD Movie Satire) PLAQUES FOR CLAQUES DEPARTMENT Motos, Oaths, Inscriptions, Etc Rewritten For Special Interest Groups PROFITABLE ENTERPRISE DEPARTMEN’ “Star Blecch lI—The Wreck Of Korn” (Still Another MAD Movie Satire) SPOILED MEET DEPARTMENT When Not To Use Famous Pick-Up Lines TRIPLE-SWEAT DEPARTMENT Bad. .. Worse... Downright Horrible! **Various Places Around The Magazine ap oso cze 9219 putes monn exco!Eetruay, May Aunua and November by EC 9 oticen, Subscnpbon in USA” 1 amuen $978 Outage USA” Be Se ere pyran © sf by ee. Puseatans ine Alow 0 esi or ringing au our aubaaoon. FOSTVASTER sand sasrese changes iia 8 Wacinon out eapne purpons t's ion person oa sonedionce Pines mUSA VITAL “ar” A MAD Movie Satire) HOW MANY MISTAKES CAN You FIND IN THIS PIC? Pg. 24 WHEN NOT TO USE FAMOUS PICK-UP, LINES. Pg. 40, FEATURES ANNIE” (Another MAD Movie Satire) uy ‘THE ANATOMY ‘OF THE HUMAN BODY BASED ON THE COMICS BLECCH II” (Still Another MAD Movie Satire) Pg. 42 LETTERS DEPT. MUSH” Re-your rake-offon M*A’S*H _you were too kind. Since the show when Radar wis Sent home, the wri to garbage. ‘The characters have all been hered and censored into what resembles st” grachiates Loretta Swit looks like she just shora "What Makeup Can Do? com merdal, and the show's become so sloppily rmaualin that they should change the tle co As The War Turns”. Dont let the day come when ""Too. Close For Comfort” wins an Emmy, We must never forgee what’ kad. ‘Vicky Smith Arvada, CO, sane rocall you every four letter wordin he hook for insulting MMAPS#EL yf te TV show!’ (But to tell you the truth, f agece with almost everydhing you st.) The ‘runs are beticr than the erent sw an Hawkeye cerinlyin'c thebig stud he used tobe Jack Gonton Watertown, WH AASMAD tas stated many simes anything at Mcican Stenson 6 sorted ath & aways a complete bomb, Isnt puting ham “forathan Weinstein Merrick NY No mote so then printing your leter!—Ed. STEALING MATERIAL In regard to Al Jaffee's collection of ‘Theft And Vindal-Proot Products,” how about a device which keeps jerks at the ‘newsstand from fokdingsin the Back cover of Brett Coke San Bernardino, CA Alfaffee'sThhefe And Vandal Proo Prod cts” was just great! OF course you woul’ have to have a thetrproo! sue of MAD. who'd be stupid enough to steal MAD? Velsor fest Babylon, NY PLUGGING AWAY MAD by watching some ineligent 1 ‘maink; "Good Moring Amerie) and tho do I see? Dick DeBartolo, Mort Desthrand Al ein’ ow mam peo delyon have to pay off to gt on thar shoe? Fe fy Sigler Prins Anne, MD THE AMERICAN WAY Your “MAD Lace Ac Amen Js wan thc rth the whole an ding et a SE MISSING IN ACTION Hey!) Your magazine is confusing and eazy rough without leaving things ou! In your "Marching Songe Now that The Ame ire AreCo youl otsome thetiles Now plese dnt do tata ymor fan-out Michel Rap Albuquerque, NM I don’t believe ie! Mort Drucker ws 30 busy making Radar look like Alired.E ‘Neuman, tie fagotto put Frank Buns on the covet of MAD 22341 What's MEAPS*HL without "old Ferret Face"? Mack Scerpella Oak Greek, WI After eximining the cover of your latest issue, [can only conclude dae Frank Bans was "HONORABLY discharged!” Tad Gregg, Alencar, PA 1 give my compliments to Mort Drucker for the M*A*S*H cover on MAD #2254 One question, though you show everyone who has ever been in’ the main cast of M*A'S*H, Why did you leave off rhe orig nal budinski of the show, Prank Buns? ‘Chris Nelson Bel Air, MD. ‘The rearon Frank Buns wos let off the cover of issue = 234, ond some song files were ‘mitted from "Marching Songs Now Thot The ‘Armed Forces Ate Co-td" is because of the Severe budget cuts enacted by the Reagon Adminisiotton. ThonkFully, becouse of a portal reoppropriaion of funds by Con: (Qfess, we ote now able 10 publish below the Four omitted song titles. IF you want Fronk Bonsto.appeor on the cover of MAD, we Urge you to write yout congressmen, Ed. (Readingleft to right.) "The Service Women's Rouser"™ as sung to the lune of “Anchors “Aweigh”; "The Women's AntiUniform An them’ es sung to "Over there", "The Ser vice Women's Fight Song” os sung to "From The Halls Of Montezumo'; "The Air ‘Women's March’ as sung to "OF We Golinio The Wid Blue Yonder MAD ON VACATION No vacation i complete without MAD, Beerywhere! Atany tine! And I rally mean (at 30 miles per hou) John M. Kellen foronto, CANADA, aa ‘A Super Special Photogreph LICENSE TO LAUGH Though you might enjoy seeing a photo graph of the license place my children oF ered for me Baraca Marks Hillsborous, CA ‘The Plate Says It All PUNK ROCK serie apt such a biting off tac head ofa ine = ? RA. Hill You must gato lot of dotes.—Ed, "OMMEMORATIVE STAMPS” You guys had 2 stamp honoring. Jimny Carter {5¢ Mediocre Present), bit you Sbviouly forgot the samp car honors Ron ald Reagan “bt Bankeupe President Hob Hodge Je Risho, CA WATTS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? “Thank you for your "Wart... We Worry poste. Ieshould be hung with dhe mug shors Df other insidious criminals in every post fice throughout the country: Wate, with his underhanded atrerpts to emasculace Amcricin environmental aws, makes Nixon Tooke like an Eagle Scout Bob DeNike Portersille, CA Let's be fair, There isn't anything on the planet Earth that could make Nixon Took Hike fn Eagle Scout!—Ed. pasTIMes” Your "MAD Pastimes For The Bedi. dhe was really sick Tatia Johnson Germantown, TN In"MAD Pastimes For The Bedidlen" you forget "Bellybueton Line Knitting David PlerPont Boulder, CO. Please Address All Correspondence To MAD, Dept, 236, 485 MADizon Avenue New York, New York 10022 setonpnes ty sobs oes me | WE'VE COME UP WITH ANOTHER = ECCH FOR YOUR ECCH-IMAS GIFT LIST! GIVE ANY OR ALL ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE PAPERBACK BOOKS FOR CHRISTMAS! (THEY'RE AN ECCH-CEPTIONAL VALUE!) ~-use coupon or duplicate PLEASE SEND THE MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS | HAVE CHECKED BELOW TO: MAD NAME 485 MADison Ave., ADDRESS New York, N.Y. 10022 cl STATE ZIP CODE. AND SEND A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT ALONG WITH THEM BLAMING: ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THESE IDIOTIC MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS I'VE CHECKED BELOW: hey OM MAD, fe ag MAD Sth MAD Cassiied SPY we SPY. Sing Rang With MAD Pehnsatuates MAD 1A MAD Carial 5 MAD Kepor on SPY Ws. SPY MAD aost Spas The Recyleg MAD an th Case Boon on SPY vs. SPY MAD's Taking temas The Now le MAD D sae KD Look a Ol Movies ‘The MAD Jumble Book 1 Fe Bie Ci MAD /DON.MARTIN Steps xt fury of MAD Old Moves Sore MAD Hout Sports The Token MAD DON MARTIN Eounces Back MAD ertsng MAD Bound the Wt The Poke MAD 3ON MARTIN Drops 13 Stores SAMAD Look a TV NAD Goes Vila The vse MAD N MARTIN Captain Kutz” A MAD Gude fo Leisure Tine Ger Sted With MAD Dedede MAD DON MAREN Cooks 'AMAD Guie fo Sell improvement IAD Word Foner Steaming MAD DON MARTIN Comes on Strong I MAD Guise fo faud'& Deception Pala MAD MAD 3 fou OOH MARTIN Cae On" SAME is bow MAD Cook atthe Futur The Vintage MADDON MARTIN Steps Turher Out IAL IAFFEE': MAD 2k of Hosie MAD Book ot Mysteries Hooked on MADDON MARTIN Forges Ahead More ALIAFFEEs Snappy Answers COMAD Cradle to Grave Primer SON MARTIN Digs Deeper, UALAFFEE's Monsostes SSMAD Nake Out Book CODON MARTIN ries tend Stl Nore ALJAFFEE'sSneppy Answers MAD Clobers the Casses [DAVE BERG Locks ot the U.S.A. SIAL JAFFEE MAD fvatons, SMAD Book of Revenge CCDAVE BERG Looks ct People "Lud! ArotherJFFEE Stapoy Answers MAD Gide to Cases = DAVE BERG Looks st Things UALJAFFEE Freaks Out SWMRD Survival Handbook DAVE BERG Modem Thinking UARAGOWES "Uva MAD HO’ une “Tis MAD, Teasute Chest CIDAVE BERG Out Sick World ARAGONES MAD sot MAD Histoy Gone MA iD Sucks CODAVE BERG Locks a Using UARAGONES MAD. Yous |The MAD Wory Book SuperMAD (D DAVE BERG Locks frund ARAGONES 0 MAD We ust Mab Wergoatchers Guide ‘Abominable Snow MAD. DAVE BERG loving Lock ARAGONES MAD 5 he Dei MAD Stew WAD About The Buoy” DAVE BERE Looks Listens ARAGONES curb MAD ‘The Sound of MAD MAD for Kicks 'S DAVE BERG Locks atu ARAGONES Soi” MAD EDWING Gare Bazan, The Uncensored MAD SiThe Al New SPY va SPY CARAGONES MAD Harsols TEDWINE Hlmosi Sanereroes Bure MAD SPV vs SPY Follow Up file CLMAD AS» Valter (Gees eters fo MAD MAD isrses Around 3rd MAD Dossier o SPY ve. SPY. CMAD for Better o:Yece I PORGES How Nat I Oo it Alon 30 wea eve | ENCLOSE $1.75 FOR EACH We camnat be response or cash et SI (Minimum Order: $5.25) O eiieer tein eae GIVING ET THE FINGER DEPT. Wanna make a block-buster of a movie? Here's the recipe: Take a large helping of precocious kids, add a dash of sci-fi, fold in a generous amount of special effects and top it off with an “extra terrestrial"! Just make sure it's not the usual outer space monster! Make it almost human! Make it adorable! Make it a... emo iRwas hal. and falfwomantt THE Quasi- TERRESTRIAL Freenzi Potezebie en zlack! Earthlings 3) Quick! are coming! if Everybody wemust if into the leaverere GB space immediately! SB ship! J The usual Pepperon with double rubber cem That's funny member leaving a light on Inthe shed! Maybe there's | someone hiding “There will be no dollar Sy You watch your language! | ls pine astra oer. ARTIST: JACK DAVIS WRITER: STAN HART ‘Someone IS here’ Hecouldn't Henne may not be able 0 fy catch the baseball | threw in pitch! ht and keep HH you fellow them. they Peete eed : Fear Bete tantra : oko ine Theres no doubt you have superior [ll [this ry neck { Wel. almost. Icganee ort ese prey TI ie] This is my chint Hmmm... close! a = ® A Sl This is my nose! E{Un..more orlessft || Myeye..! Theres no doubt you cr s.Superior to WHAT?!? eee aa Seger pattems ||"|| F< CCby tie way you te Fave What sjeor Mon geet mad econ dowel XY “to do everything | do! in tampersture PM goes back up gain, { puess TH have to | SY taco shle rene cathe Doier! earwhte ve goto go {work rome me you ay ad Sd 127 degrees!) ‘arn plenty of ude and ty notte det [let etter you aidn't rsa Pao & “Today, we are going to dissect some frogs! So— we're going to "put them rou what hit ‘em! Just one {o sleep" in most humane way possibie!| — bit of advice cnr] | wae ano jump up and down on them! They'll never Derek Now | know wat Earthiings use & | Teacher.-Teacher..1) ["So..? Whats intoxicants for! Tohelp them = | Yeliot is trying to wong with 3 set through an afternoon of... $y [attract my attention that... 7? burp... Daytime TV Game Shows!! = 1 You better wait until ———— = (Gee, planet QT You ] | tovpianet call TALKED! | | “ike that's You want | | probably cost about eight Lite aot Home? cheaper FLation ims Think Fm haw ‘ng sex. but Fro too young to know for sure! ‘And just what ‘doyou think If you don't stop YOU'RE doing?! aI sereamit HOME! PHONE! infection HE has! Now, {A's angry looking! {What do you me You But Lwant go home! ff Come on, alien Dojust what Tc! Fist, ‘We ME 2 7 " [Now tm SURE Sioa | Mesaieme eee \C gee OZ = won't HAVE to go home! You'l be able 7 se to SEND for itt oy AS \y i>) wed) | [eat Bat why Mere reteste pt wonser nov proud wei || cote Ber Giang res tein nnen Ae | | you were bong v) WSceiitatcs” "thot torgt my in| [thebagioneg Stine mave?| J ibtertanetsry IB phone ruber ] fone rsrealy (Basins. nen fu I aot oration Why can't he Fat even ones you | matenirsel [Youre mera kal Jy) con rive a Mack allbetter || You don't understand j} by touching |p that's ust NOT himself with ||] POLITE to ask ques his MAGIC. [| tions about HOLES: Truck through...? | ith, ff What shouis wo do... ek CHUTZPAH IS... CHUTZPAH IS... 499 aa ~ ~; copying an entire fini and then, when you get a “D,” accusing him of not studying. CHUTZPAH IS... 6 i ++ anything you do if you're an executive of an oil company CHUTZPAH Is... . + + backing info @ parking space, smashing info a parked ‘car, and suing the owner because you got hit in the rear. SRS ee SRN OD | GAUL BUSTING DEPT. According to Webster, the word “chutzpah” is of Yiddish origin and means “unmitigated effrontery or impudence.” To give you an idea, there's the old joke about the boy PRI i j I i ARTIST: PAUL COKER > poate) aia pokes cmtiop fo 0: "Men lienw Or Ten” Supermarket express check-out counter, and claiming that 12 120 cans of beer and 9 boxes of pretzels is only 2 items. = « getting a ticket for illegally parking a car in a spot reserved for the Handicapped . .. and pleading not guilty to the judge on the grounds that you suffer from hemorrhoids. CHUTZPAH IS... ~ 7 when you meet a gil ata wedding, and you ask her for a date the following Saturday, and she’s the bride. who kills his parents. . . and then throws himself on the mercy of the court on the grounds that he's an orphan. Now that’s chutzpah! Want more examples? Then read on. ZPAH WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL & AL JAFFEE CHUTZPAH IS... CHUTZPAH IS... ‘victim fo avoid shock, is him a whopping bill +++ When a doctor fells a heart Stress and aggravation, and the CHUTZPAH HS ~ when a Congressman Is elected on a S{inemployment”. . . and fulfills his eampaiga promise by hiring 16 out-of-work relatives to work for him at government expense, CHUTZPAH IS. running a bank, charging sinful Interest rates, Jug- fling books, using your influence to overthrow foreign governments, and then offering rewards for bank robbers. Sapublishing @ crummy ‘and then suddenly and u ‘without adding any more pages to it or improving the quality CHUTZPAH Is.. CHUTZPAH IS... ‘aking money for babysitting after you and some of your “asking the T her if you can use his phone friends have devoured about $50.00 worth of food and drink, {6 call your Hus ick you up here at the st CHUTZPAH IS... CHUTZPAH Is... 4 borrowing a friend's car for the then handing him a bill for the ga CHUTZPAH IS. ital bed that the... {aking a shop-lifted item of clothing back to Government provides you and other Congressmen with free of charge. the store to exc! or ane of the correct size. ORPHAN RUINING DEPT. iizards, gat hatever happened to that sweet, charming Broadway musical called “Annie”? Hollywood took it and made it into a movie and changed it into... Preer ee ‘Oh, what willl do... q ‘What's the eand blue! ‘i SA hard ROCK MTSHE'D only SHUT UP! We i on laying second dirty laundry, and you help me sneak out of here? Okay, what'sin it for us? |a| ‘with me gone,| Cheese it, Kids! | a a —— vou, miss | [ we sTiLL Love HARRIDAN!! L) Miss HARRIOAN. memcpy Teapie Teards, sure is great getting out ot that Fotten Orphanage ond conte this Hollywood studio New York street! Gee, times sure are tough during the Great Depression of 1932! Five dollars?! That's a lot of money! You promise you won't ‘d0 anything STUPID with — like buy a ticket to this dumb, \[iiculously overpriced movie! i 2 Ee ay odk at hase mean Boys, for turing that poor dog! I think it's mow time to turn on my Irresistible "Shirley Temple N}p) over thousands of other sick ct twitch and my lips play ppeekaboo with my teeth? charm’ which won me this role the greatest di "The name's HARRIGAN, you miserable twerps!! ‘A harridan isa scold Ir Oh, Awfol Annie SATE SAmTT) eapin Tim Graze Farfel!] | | Tus i#¥oucan't. | [Tharejust ] ] Yeah! guess) | izaras! work fortrilionaire | |mighti| | you g0 on escape from this ridiculous, you're right!! | | Maybe |: Oliver Morebucks! He | (| presenta Special Award to orphanage, nobody | |Rivkal Yourve| ol Cie) | you have ‘sent me toborrow a | [let me] | the writer of this screen can. sob, -s0b! | |" really only | [Whos the NEW] |” been ute litle orphan | | look | | play in the category of Tce ke i've Beennere | | sitwithtne |) heres | tohang around his B] been iockedup | | tora shore jaLweiedheirde? |) itt Fitth Avenue estate! here forver! EEE 100 long! Do you have one...? Nerorense ream [Gosh, Miss Far] [Tibehonest with Jp a Isn't this magnificent Well, how do fel, me and my| | _ you, kid! liked A land?! It runs almost you like Mr. ‘dy, are|| one other gic back [” three miles in one di: Morebuck’s real happy that| | there 2 lot more— rection and half 2 mile ‘mansion? You chose ME | |but somehow, “Lite; f) inthe other! the bet [7 ——— ‘over athe | | Orphan Rivka’ just tis, 's Gosh, I feel rest to come didn't have the | like such a homme with yout | _ right ing to it! |aummy again! ex Thats the | [Get RID of her izarés! orphan | Tauess rented for| [With all hat Gt for nels you, Sin’ | [sweetness under make a swell eompan- || big im esas he same root Sere ie Aactior nae (cl oerane I, | wins rre eal Py [and my Pacifie Ocean! |_| person! Isnt she | | "diabetes, ra absolutely | give myselt six adorable? | | frinutes RmommmtTaen) | Sorryto disturb this dumb movie! Don't expect u Beck for dinner | [Ton that nie! |_| and are you tak Graze! We're of to Washington for amecting with President Roosevelt! TMi Morebucks, 1 wil NOT leave her on the side of 2 mountain {for the wolves... !! 2d interior” tra Tyas good enough Goris Steen’ OF, ve wel 008 enough Yor her! there's only fone other thing | can think of to do.with 3 tle gir Can't say Iblame |— Simple! We'l | i Who is? The — President? The King of Englang? J. Edgar Hoover? No, our Producer! He says even HE 's bored with him! What we need | are'stars with style {and charisma—ike Garbo—and Taylor! | ‘Awful Annie, this is Loyalty, hell Boneiab, my bodyguard! [YOU tind 3 way ame here aver forty| | to ella nine- ago, and I've had | | foot foreign ve ever since! | | mother ike him You're a bigot ‘[eoty. vr Moremocr] | “enaalmes, THAT's ovat | | haied hs gute No... taking her for REVENGE! ‘Atter what he's So you see, Mr. Pres ident, the way I fig ture it in. my eute way, ‘even though it iooks tough for the country right now, everything is gona be swell soon! ing Awl Annie with you tomes ier been doing to us Republicans, (ve been dying to get even with ie! Bafa Rania 4” Na nal T dant mean the You bt On, | ‘hetun Lome st ta] | from getting \e Suey sett ee cain! Of et call the gasier Eleanor [> guess she just couldn't contain he seo I'é love to be your daughter, Mr. Morebueks! But | already HAVE 2 Mommy and Daddy! And ‘some day, they're gonna find me again! And when they DO, ‘we'll RECOGNIZE each other because they're gonna have the other haf of this bro: ken locket | always wear [That has got to be| the most IDIOTIC Plot gim-| mick ve EVER There are so many dishonest people out Don’t knock] dishonesty! there, claim- || Forty ing to be Aw. Yul Annie's parents, just to grab the rewardl! MYou did a terrific ob in Washington, Awful Annie, and to show you my gratitude, I've de cided fo make you my own tittle gil, offically! Leapin’ liza Tsee by the papers that Oliver Morebucks is offering $50,000 to the REAL PARENTS of Awful Annie if they'll come and claim her! And by an odd coincidence, happen to have the other half of the locket they'll need to 4 it) Now, where coula | find ‘etin igrubbing associates, put the screws 10 my debtors, and drive a wedge through the Communist monolith in Moscow! Ang just think! You can do ‘all that by Just being your sweet, slobbering, goey, nauseating sei! Ty, look who just | [That [| blew int My ne'er: ‘dowel! brother, Booster, and his ne'er dowell ei friend, Dilly! What | | every brought you here | | body's at the exact right || talking arrotten, unserupulous couple | | moment in my ife?| | about! Right! And since weave the other half of the lock ft, we'd lke to "now take our most precious posses. sion home with ust THM A [Tm not sure * rust them Awtul Annie! [What makes] a Bonejab, get out the gyro I don't like the looks of this! eres jonejab, you m i Wea Ber "EJ Wrong! We did it out of EMBARRASSMENT! fg 430 milion dolar extravaganza... and ‘the best spot they could pick for a big chase scene is a tacky little RAILROAD BRIDGE? How about the EMPIRE STATE ii movies! There BUILDING! O- the STATUE OF LIBERTY! §) are just no Or | could have bought MT. RUSHMORE |) spectacular and had it moved to New York for them! || places left! Co. well borrow: From another medi weil borrow. like a lay! vi) hen well ver produce B the juice out of it, With-a Hollywood dose aross display. get her down from there immediate What happened, Daddy? How ‘come the climax scenes on bridges? The production seenes in Radio City? The [ Where we always 20 wrong! In our desperation to make a hit film, we take 2 proven in ts Big hit from another final number? What happened | | medium... and we to that sweet, charming lt. | | HOLLYWOOD:IZE tle Broadway musical hiss || "it! And it comes from? Where did we go wrong? | | out AWFUL, ANNIE! ‘And what'll come out PLAQUES FOR CLAQUES DEPT. There are a lot of well-known quotations and official _with. But not everyone does! There are always special statements around that everybody is expected to agree _ interest groups with their particular point of view. LUAU, WLS UG bi REWRIMMENTEORISPEG IAIN ARTIST: BOB CLARKE THE SMOKER’S VERSION OF THE SURGEON GENERALS WARNING: THE BIGOT’S VERSION OF THE INSCRIPTION AT THE BASE OF "A THE STATUE OF LIBERTY ay ed That Cigarette Smoking Is Having Exanined With this in mind, MAD...which believes in giving equal time to everyone...presents this collection of PLCS, lc eT ES WRITER: PRANK JACOBS THE OIL COMPANIES’ VERSION OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE THE GOSSIP COLUNNIST'S + (o tell the truth, the VERSION OF THE OATH Seen TENN A COURTROOM | erste ns distortion of w 7". pened. THE PACIFIST’S VERSION OF THE MARINES’ HYMN From the bat-tles we refuse to fight To the safe-ty of the rear; When the gung-ho guys go charg-ing in, That's the time to dis-ap-pear; We don't care for guns or bay-o-nets; We dislike unpleasant scenes; You can bet your life that we disgrace The United States Marines! Who shall be termed Party Of Part, Whose place of business il, duly uncontested, be done far as existing statutes Give us this 15th day of August, 1981, our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, tanding claims, liens and legal we, who shail be tarmed pat ne second part, forgive our debtors. And lead us not into sin, corruption, Dut deliver us from evil, the nature of shall be determined by the Court. For Thine is the Kingdom and the Fower ‘and, pending appeal, the Glory forever. ERR APPARENT DEPT. Recently, we asked one of our idiot artists to do a drawing of a “Discount Stereo Hi-Fi Store.” Unfortunately, he didn’t do a very good job. In fact, he made a lot of mistakes . . . 20 in all! And now. it's up to you to find them. Which is why we're asking: YOU FIND IN THIS PICTURE? ANSWERS 1. The salesperson is offering his help, even though he's net work ing ona commission basis. 2.The store is independently owned, and not a franchise. 3, The person is testing a “boom box” with the volume on "iow 4. The teenagers are looking at the ‘older couple buying @ classical music album with admiration in stead of contempt 5. The customer fas just purchased an "American" brand stereo set 6. The guy is actually buying a pair ‘of stereo headphones for his par fent’s sake s0 they won't have to Tisten to his music 7. The salesperssn is not telling the customer that he just bought “te best stereo in the shop! 8. The employee is removing all the warped record albums. 9. The girl actually believes that her favorite rock singer doesn't do rugs. 410, None of the customers have zits. 11. The punk rocker is wearing only cone safety pin through his ear 12. The guy wearing the army fatigue outfit is really a veteran. 13, Someone aver the age of 14 Is buying a “kiss” album. 14. The “free music magazine" con tains more articles than ads. 15.The guy with the stereo head set isn't on roller skates. 16. The Debbie Boone album is a hot seller. 17, Bach is being played through the store's musie system. 1B, The record albums are actualy stacked in alphabetical order ac: cording tothe alphabet. 19, The “Specialy Priced” albums are realy priced lower than the ther albums. 20. The cassette tapes are easily ac: cessible, and not hidden behind 6 bullet-proof gass. ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: CHRIS HART BABY SInEINGSs [ets tempertore BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. Tels Lieunr CREDIBI ny, ir 2 ( REY, MoM! GUESS Waar) (Honesty..2?) v GOT THE HIGHEST MARK | TN THE CLASS IN OUR MATH MID-TERM EXAM! | THE EREFEBONES: ae a fe i} SIDES Ole [ae] a Why in the world would "ANYBODY want to be le ve Because my Father) ‘was 3 Democrat nd his Father before him was 2 joes Wwsmy | { Sowhat’s) boyfriend, | | with the | ie heavy. ut! | | breathing! A REPUBLICAN!) That's rather ridiculous! | wh | ansoon and Beta wos Baoo THEN, what would you be?! ry SNACKS EXCUSES Boy. | hope tis Big Mac ) (“For ) For ANOTHER BIG MAC! ] | doesirt spoil my appetite! || what? — Seay oy V V > Ww es v2 oes, (jy the LAUNDRY Room | _ BAD HABITS TOMORROW! EATING [Ussigeari:) [Ussiawon) [— E AND DAGGER DEPT. 2g y= SY RR ae A “eS ‘TRIPLE-SWEAT DEPT. IF YOU WELL, IN FACT, THINK THEY THEY THINGS oor COULD ARE... BE... rs BAD IT’S EVEN RIGHT HORRIBLE... when you suddenly discover that the only person around who does have a jack handle is about to bury it in your skull! “.. When you get a flat tire in a... when you find that you don’t tough neighborhood late at night! have a jack handle in your unk! IT’s BAD IT’S EVEN WORSE in ‘your school locker «and then ip you cane yo you, and find Can't remember the combination of produce an LD. card to nt him open the locker the tock 6a ne Gia get WC gn Usa tee telly one! jst Hepat to be Bled wilh a IT’s BAD IT’S EVEN WORSE ybody knows that the could've caught it iggest nerd in school! when you fee! like you're coming down with the flu the week of your Senior Prom! 2 <-when you are sick, ‘turns out to be monont from DOWNRIGHT HORRIBLE ARTIST: HARRY NORTH WRITER: TOM KOCH IT’S DOWNRIGHT HORRIBLE. IT's BAD IT'S EVEN WORSE ie: Oe cr ne when your telephone privileges ...when the phone suspension contin- ... when your folks ma ae iken away from you jut because ues, although you urgently need to even after a local D collect call from your spread the news that your school's that you'll w id stationed in Korea! sex aymbol is three months pregnant! if you call the record album immediately! IT’S EVEN WORSE IT’S DOWNRIGHT HORRIBLE. 7 5 ‘confined to the house while your brother is having his birthday party right out in the yard! ty is. taking p ight down stairs! IT’S EVEN WORSE IT’S DOWNRIGHT HORRIBL ~- when the girl for whom you the seat accidentally down in his lap. .. and five later, they leave the movie toge s+. when a big guy with lots of tatoos asks whether the seat next to you is taken, and you're afraid to say “Yes!” IT’s BAD IT’S EVEN WORSE. IT’S DOWNRIGHT HORRIBLE always =] id rake... when they leave still owing you their leaves suddenly up and move away! for the last six weeks work you did! IT’s BAD IT’S EVEN WORSE I {o fix your hair . «when your portrait photograph is the day for the school ai the exs have your eyes the one he humorously chooses to dis yearbou led to be taken! play promine shop window! IT's BAD he IT’S DOWNRIGHT HORRIBLE. when the fish you bought causes your fishing «rip af ct e all your friends to get food poison- invited the guys ov ai ray! ing... . and one of them is a lawyer! IT's BAD z IT’S DOWNRIGHT HORRIBLE... i S Cj + - when they come to the bi =. when they come again , .. and laugh at when you're in Little League and and they boo you because yu because You've been demoted to team your folks don’t come to the games! out three times and make yascot and have to wear a chicken suit! FUNNIES’ BONES DEPT. Have you ever wondered why there are so few good Doctors around today? Well, MAD feels that it’s because most Doctors don’t really understand the human body and how it works. And why is this? Because like everybody else, Doctors were brought up on “The Comics” and therefore developed a distorted concept of the human body. Mainly, The Comics show us bodies that are unlike anything else around. To demonstrate the problems and confusion this has caused today’s Doctors, here are some excerpts from O woes ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: FRANK JACOBS _IDEA BY’ SERGIO ARAGONES n many cases, a ‘normal’ eye Bs mean Contrary to accepted medical jecasionally, some humans ‘Some humans are able to see opinions, some humans do not can see without having eyes through solid objects and to need pupils in order to see, at all, This rare condition spot things happening miles However, this rare condition (beetious yardbirdis) causes away. People with this rare (known as annieus orphanius) that person to appear as if condition (kryponus x-rayus) occurs only in certain types he’s fast asleep while he's often wear eyeglasses, even of people who also never age really awake, and vice-versa, though totally unnecessary. Images are sent to the brain Images are absorbed through This intricate mechanism for via solid tinted tubes, like pinholes in cheeks that re- vision is composed of a pair modern-day fiber optics, The semble freckles, Vision can of telescopic lenses linked result is seeing everything only be activated by loud, up with an alternative pi through rose-colored glasses. raucous military commands, of miniature xray machines, Hil RU UR ae ci determine willpower and determination. Arhooked nose (tracy bumpus)) A bulblike nose (andicappus A small, peanut-shaped nose jis the sign of a person who handicappus) indicates lack (lueyus obnoxious) indicates relentlessly pursues a goal, of willpower and inability 2 powerful determination on regardless of any personal to complete a given job or the part ‘of its possessor to danger. Even after 50 years task. The nose, like the per achieve goals regardless of he'll still stick to his job. son, has no clear direction, any damage done to others A Keen sense of smell helps ‘Through frequent abuse, this At first, this nose appears this nose sniff out dangers nose begins to turn bright subordinate to the mouth. which may be threatening the red, this condition being That's because the mouth safety of the entire body. known as proboscis inebrius, is much larger than normal THE HAIR Pear eae a CLs g Peer ee ance Ls This common disorder of the Total baldness (warbuckus This thick, full, healthy scalp (dagwoodus cowlickus) extremus) can be traced to head of hair is the result occurs after long years of a diet of rich gourmet food, of eating hamburgers, pizza, combining many varieties gooey desserts, and very ex French fries, malteds, and of foods into one sandwich pensive wines and champagne. other types of “fast food: Hair follicle is healthy Hair follicle is damaged, Hair follicle is dead and hair behaves normally. and hair grows abnormally unable to function at- all and THE 4 IL BO Pee et et ae A sloping forehead is found on an individual who has not yet completed his evolutionary cycle. Note the protruding lower tooth ... a telltale indication of this sub-human type. A rectangular skull is the mark of @ highly- evolved and intelligent individual. Such peo: ple are born to lead, They are usually very handsome, and they always have perfect teeth. Ee iw ‘An elongated skull occurs when someone lacks A round skull with a nose cavity between the eyes, blocking off the mouth from the brain, the ability to speak. In such cases, there is indicates an underachiever. Speech is not also no sign of any mouth, It is not known if this type of individual takes any nourishment. impaired, but sounds bewildered and confused. THE ARMS BO Oe eeu CO eeu oe ‘This condition (nautilus pugnatious) results from an imbalance of iron in the body system, creating a swollen appearance. X-rays of arms reveal a green substance surrounding muscles. ‘Substance has same chemical properties as & certain leafy, green, yecchy-tasting vegetable. THE TORS arms appear to lack muscles altogether (disneyus rodentus), a condition caused by a fiber deficiency in which the tissue turns to cheese. This condition usually results in the Joss of one finger of each hand, but does not effect the efficiency of the rest of the hand The size of a torso is a chief in Ce en eee core A dwarf-like, compact torso is the sign of a strong-willed, often tyrannical power figure Such people, as in the two examples of case studies depicted here, dominate less compact people, whom they consider unfit to make any decisions at all, or to lead their own lives A tall, lean torso indicates a person who is obviously extremely weak and docile and who allows himself to he browbeaten and manipula- ted. Such people, as in the two examples of case studies depicted, fail in the exercise of power, and end up as dupes and followers. 2 Gx ¥ & Bare Bee This condition (ironhandus despoticus) is due to the fact that the brain is close to the tor- so, allowing power from the brain to travel a much shorter distance, and thus remain strong, ‘This condition (nebbish submissivus) is due to the fact that the brain is further away from the torso, meaning that power must trav- ‘a much greater distance, and thus weaken, ais GLANDS Before transformation, the individual's gland- ular cel ‘well-behaved, va ee SPOILED MEET DEPT. MAD PRESENTS SOME GRAP WHEN NOT TO USE F AT A PARTY... AT THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE... AT A MASQUERADE . . . Do you believe in love a rt sight) HIC DEMONSTRATIONS OF... = AMOUS “PICK-UP” LINES AT THE ZOO... IN A HOSPITAL... IN A PAROCHIAL SCHOOL . . . I What are you drinking «2 Tove what you're wearing! IN A MUSEUM OF MODERN ART... Yiknow something? You're | [Thanks Pretty asa picture! alot! PROFITABLE ENTERPRISE DEPT. Usually, sequels to successful movies are total disasters. But the Producers of the “Star Blecch” series have it all backwards. The original was a total disaster and, by comparison, the sequel was a lot better! We're talking about gasket blow-out! for the rest of BW \ Wavvly: sour \ Ata | ast ARTIST MORT DRUCKER WRITER’ DICK DE BARTOLO i. weve already checked [] Not even a ‘out Hollywood! |] DOG could Where to next? of =| environment u Let's be Your friend, Curt; had us fired off into space to spend all of eternity in suspended animation! So Yor fifteen long years, all ve seen ts Pluto! Not even Donald Duck. or Mickey Mouse! Tmpossibie! wane for GOOD REASON! You tried to take over the planet Earth! If you'd nad your way, that paor planet would ‘now be sulfering from wars, inflation, high taxes, unemployment srd—and— oy you give your plan to inte operation”! susceptible to suggestion! walk or feed him! oer Thave a litle surprise for K you! These slimy title BUGS a fare the only lf that exists You'llhave on “Alpo V"! They enter the ‘pet for lite! far and seek out the brain! You'l never have Their prey becomes extremely to take him for a Happy birthday, Gym brought you a bat tle of brown wine! | iteoes with somany more aishes than the everyday green wine! Oh, yeah ‘Gym, are you ‘Yiknow, Gym. you should be back feeling moody? us In command of a Starship! Desk work doesn't agree with you" | Speak as your FRIEND and as your DOCTOR! As your friend, T suggest you do it for your health! As your Docto ‘me $50.00 for medic No! Yes! Maybe Maybe I'm may be but right don't think sot Thanks! L This is for real now, Lt Sava Yes! remember ‘ny four years of instruction and my ‘You forgot two items, Lieutenant! You must ALSO Then tis Have you |] ityour || taining manuals always hit the ever taken | chance! Do || correctly 'push_ || “STAR BLECCH 2 Starship | "you think || this button marked || THEME" button— out of t's “TOTAL AUTOMATIC || “and the "AUDIO DOCK DEPARTURE"! || “UP button Te really good fo see you back on the flight deck of the ‘Admiral ‘Are you stil feeling badly about reaching middle age? Not any morel My mind is 3s sharp and a clear today as it was when | first took Command! Fon-on! We couta + BIG TROUBLE J Irregular One, his is Checkotf! We have been erdered to pick tp all work done’ on up “Project Gerito without checking with Adm. Curt first! ‘Rnd if you don't lke it, you can stick itin your ear! PNG § assume responsibility f= for it from tere on! WV f, ‘Admiral Curt, this is Dr. Wl just barely, Dr, Markus! Sorry, == = But, Spook. ne ey Rama ease leeetersrt aa] | SiaGae aes Seen: losing ‘ship, you'd Admiral, | have. ‘be terrible interference! | Rice Krispies and they're It's just a good roof || Duty, the Senior [gj if you screw up, sung tran eked cer ee ates Toke fl crackle... snap... pop! snap..erackle..- pop!” ‘Attention, Sy speek What a = WHY do [J there are five possible || mind! Toeannot—release | u think |] answers, Admiral! They || What 2 classified data ‘re unable to, they are || ming! —unless—you=aive helpless to, they are || AGE me~special—code isn't |] powerless to, they are |] doesn't —nord! Can—you— answering |] “incapable of, or they || affect it give—me—special ourealls? |] "just plain can’t! || at alt Aamvalashiphas) [ Admiral. = i's a condition, Sir, "Admiral Curt just entered ou should | call not a person! We've got give up! | ‘Jose for comfort", | {General Alert?| | a MAJOR DILEMMA here!) i'have you "| completely | | have us completely zone! It's the US.S. Refinancedlt And its why? ts|_[ In that case, you'd bet: | surrounded! |_| surrounded, Korn’? defense shields are up! General f>| _tereall General Alert aH ‘Mert |_| AND Major Dilemma to. | x= b st once! Theyre attaching at |AIM serene ree Every Starship has a su per secret code number! Tsten, all Sixty seconds?!” || Okay! One you REALLY [[-Iwant YOU... minute! rant is ME, || and all the data You're lucky Hive could come up with Korn! i” |] on “Project Ger: H you caught me the secret code number theirs beam myselt || Hol"! You have tor the Refinanced, we number! Brilliant, could contral the with our own comp ‘Admiral! We've eot sixty seconds!t them defenseless! aboard With Kora and the Re: financed out of the Hey Spotty! What's wrong H] wath the ‘rans port TWARNED yout | TOLD ] you the Boobyorize had ‘only about HALF the power needed to beam you down there! But, did you listen to me? No! You went anyway! Its Checkott and Captain Terroryell! Checkott what are you ‘doing with, that gun’?! Your feelings or me run that deep, hun? Captain Terroryel us Admiral! Yo shot himself! ‘don't know ‘Spook on the Boobypr 10 Admiral Curt on irreg lular One! The situation here is getting wors We're losing more power! Right now, we've got only ‘enough to finish beaming you down...and then just beam your SHOES back up! Boy, he has: how hard it is forme to shoot you! terrible aim What feelings!? T've got So you want to know Ril what we've been do- "Project Geritl eh, Admiral? We than Checkoft! Look what found Checkoff seems to be coming back to his senses again’ ‘Spook, these are your orders! i we are unable to return to the Boobyprize n one hour, leave without us! Take the ship to the nearest star station and call AllSpace Insurance! Tell them all the damage was done in 3 parking lot while the crew was Inside eating in a restaurant! a Hmmm! | KNEW something was BUGGING hrs but THIS Is absolutely ridiculous! What are you ‘about?! That here! planted those TULIPS! Kind of sets those mountains? You Created those trees and those that waterfal ‘Okay, Spook! You can beam us back up now! jeam us back up? But thought the Booby prize had 2 TOTAL POWER FAILURE! Lets call ita tle deception, 1 get it To 001 Korn! j Yes, partly to foo Korn" but mostly 1 fool the Inter. stellar Utility Company! It keeps ur electric bills reasonable! rm picking up @ very strange energy source on Retinanced ‘one that I've never seen before!) ‘Good Lord! HOW _]|got the power | They've set Geritol |) dangerous || of two milion ‘i bottles of for | éetonation! | Geritott_|| prune juice! Matters goes. Just you wat the WRECK of KORN! | Acmiral Curt byecetn | ares con fighting—down [1 to hear trom Y tonistastbreatn! [my LAWYERS! Wie are gathered to pay our respects toa very, special human be~er...person—er..ulgant His heart was big, his mind was broad, his spirit was gigantic, and hisears—his ears— He wanted to try “Leonard — Don't worry! ather things! So [|] Nimoy. [J He'llbe back HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS Today, our nation’s poor are suffering from major economic problems. As a result, they also have a terrible "housing" problem. Find out what it is by folding in page as shown FOLOTHISSECTION OVERLEFT 4B FOLD BACK SOX” MEETS “B” ie bell Ss “~~ "<8 LM i OUTRAGEOUS HOUSING PROBLEMS ARE SLOWLY INFESTING cevierawarres, THE WHOLE LAND. ONLY TAX DOLLARS CAN BRING DEFINITE ALiARrEE HOPE TO THE POOR. AND WHEN ADMINISTRATIVE ABUSE OCCURS, THE POOR MUST PUNISH THE MAJOR PARTICIPANT AD 4B SSS THIS WAY...!! H SPOT TED HIM!!