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“FORYOUR “FAMILY SPYVS. DAVE DON EYES ONLY” FEUD” SF BERG MARTIN ...and the usual gang of idiots are all in this issue of... °_MAD ‘0989! WHEN YOU GIVE ME THE NEEDLE! MAINLY WHEN YOU SPIN THE FREE L.P. IN... vere MEE CaaS Ue TWmATII as THE xd — eo pecs is JUST FOR THE RECORD, IT’S ON SALE AT ALL NEWSSTANDS! NUMBER 229 MARCH 1982 Today, if a movie is rated “G"; the hero gets the girl: if it's rated “R’ the villain gets the gir: and if i's rated “X", everybody gets the gill” —Alfred E. Neuman WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor LEONARD BRENNER art director TOM NOZKOWSKI production NICK MEGLIN senior editor JOHN FICARRA associate editor GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI ssthscriptions JACK ALBERT lawsuits ANNE GRIFFITHS /ogistics CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS DEPARTMENTS ‘A NEW WRINKLE DEPARTMENT Whatever Became Of...7 BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT One Day In A Sculptor's Studio One Day On A Tiny Desert Island One Day At The Federal Building JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail LIP SCHTICK DEPARTMENT ‘A MAD Look At Lousy Kissers MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT ‘Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones ‘ONE MOORE TIME DEPARTMENT “For Her Thighs Only" (A MAD Movie Satire) ‘OUR SURVEY SAYS..." YECCHI” DEPARTMENT “Family Fools” (A MAD TV Show Satire) ONWARD AND UP-THE-CREEK DEPARTMENT ‘AMAD Report On Progress, POLL-ISH JOKES DEPARTMENT ‘A MAD Guide to Understanding Statistics PUT YOUR FUNNY IN THE BLANK DEPARTMENT MAD's Do-It-Yourself Comedy Routine ‘THE JOCKS ON THEM DEPARTMENT The idiocy Of Young Athletes Who Imitate The Pros On TV THUGS PLUGS DEPARTMENT If The Underworld Were Allowed To Advertise ZODIACS MURDER DEPARTMENT Your MAD Horoscope **Various Places Around The Magazine VITAL FEATURES FOR HER THIGHS ‘ONLY (Movie Satire) Pg. 4 YOU BREAK ARMS GOOT, 2 THE UNDERWORLD ‘THE iDIOCY OF YOUNG. ATHLETES, WHO IMITATE THE PROS ON TV MAD Look AT Lousy KISSERS “FAMILY FOOLS” (AMAD TV Show Satire) Pg. 42 WHY RILL YOURSELF? JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUES AT THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO AND HAVE IT MAILED TO YOUR HOME! uuse coupon or duplicate=== MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, NY 10022 I enclose $10.75*. Enter my name on your subscription list, and mail me the next 12 issues of MAD Magazine. NAME ADDRESS. city STATE. a s2hs tora LETTERS DEPT. “ARBOR DAY” HORROR {just finished reading ‘Arbor Day" in MAD. #227 and I couldn’ be more pleased! These Shallow gore feasts have fecered in darken theatres too Hong Tm glad someone of in teligenc s prcking their Hood sauraed ba vot The retunof the manise, che knives and chain sm, sup gis the dumb Shock end sptured i all, with Jack Dinisrekindigg the EC mood Destined abe a classics great writing Thanks! Kerry Lacare Dolth, MN ‘Though Tre heen accused of editing the rations most gotesdrenched film magerine, 1 fete your “Ultimate Horror Movie” should have been rated "Ro for mpuse! Thanks "Arbor Day” the movies we cover Ae Stating #9 look spo! Bob Martin, Bditor Tangora” Magazine New tork, NY Where is the nearest “Mom's Pizza Pac doer? Steve Nitkin Jackson Heights, NY The human pias in “Asbor Day” were sickening! Next time, use Alfed in them “Tadd Kelly Tononeo, CANADA ECCHCALIBER” I thought Don Martin did an excellene job ‘Don Martin's Nerson OF A. Movie OF valibee" You should knight him! Jolin Sicoc Hudson, NY you had 17 swords all the iste Howe come? ‘Mark Keehn Hillsboro, MO. ‘We don’t know whot you're talking bout Ed, Uthad “Bechaleg” Pd use icon Troy Rubright Shoe PA Your heed is probably pointy enough to do the job! Ed. CAREERS FOR THE SLOW AND LAZ’ Being slow and lay, 1 thoroughly MADS Cancers For The Slow and However, 1 think "Gas 8 deserved at lease an honorable mention! Richacl Schl Glensale, CA slow and lary, how about 2 E Fim Brace Roseville, CA + magazine desler tha sells only MAD eect) Magazine Greg Neale Pore Charlot, FL COVER CHARGES Have you ever been so. hungty. that you wot gladly ext che cover of MAL ning up with covers like You guys keep. the one on MA Ime out of busines Mike Robertson Robty’sPiza and Subs Elmiry, NY WHY YOU CAN'T WIN WITH READING. You'te feeling lay and spi Beca watch lot of TV and movies, but you neve fad So you stat eading the newspaper find the puper frothing more than 2 writen fom feng news you watch Wally. So you switch ook HOWEVER... you've a rmoviesbased on the majority So you find che books boring. So you swich © MAD Magazine. HOWEVER... you find ic hasd co believe 1 TV and movies are really a bad 2s MAD makes them our to be, 0 you stat watching hem to find Oa HOWEVER. _you'e soon hacia she same 1 outne of watching lot of TV and movies, Heeling lazy and stupid na began.) Bout (Which i right wheee “= MAGNUMB PU. very funy us Tike the sete, To Salvador Somewheie, USA mm..-n0 one was credited for writing n BU. This means, of course, that n hate mail wil reach the guys desk, ples he gach de fan castigae him for gues MAD is giv Marty Aarnso# Houston, TX How come you forgot to mention the water of" Magnum PUL"? Am Leorrect in assuming it was my favorite write, Lou Silverstone? Had te Te was definitely his syle and realy fanny Mike Stanley ‘Wesel, NJ Right you ret Lou wrote the script while Mert Drucker did the ert. Both men, howe: tr, would probably deny any involvement in the moss ed. PUTTING THEM ON—THE MAP! Asa meet ofthe Board of Dicectoes ofthe Venice Chamber of Commerce T have been authorized and directed ro compliment 904 On your fine Winter Edition andthe valuable and (eful MAD Map of the USA. We were paiculaly delighted ¢ ce inclusion of Venice Exlfornia onthe dcalled map of Los Angeles ‘The neaby Marna Del Rey isequally delighted they were not incladed, Richa J. Sell J Los Angeles, CA Picase Adarevs All Correspondence Te MAD, Dept. 229, 485 MADison Avenve New York, Naw York 10022 STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP, MANAGE: MENT AND CIRCULATION (Feq 1D A, Publication No, ISSN 0024 9319 ) 2. Bate of fing: Oct. 1, 1981 3. Frequency of issue’ Monthly, excep Feb, May, Aug., Nov. A. No. of Issues aily.8 8. Annual subser 0.75/12 issues 4. Ce 485 MADIson Avenue NYC ling Address of the Head thereunder the names and addresses of stockholders owning or holding T percent ations. Ine. NYE {0015.8 Known gages, and others hong 1 pe bonds erty that the statements made William M, Gaines, Pubisher. COMING UP (like a cheap mealf) tk ke our version of GENERAL HOSPITAL AMAD Sneak Peek At George Lucas’s Personal STAR WARS LOE! VIDEO GAMES BASED ON REAL LIFE! ‘and... Jot more stuft you'll wish we never did! Allin MAD #230, LAUGH YOURSELF | (RE 3 (B2Y8) LOOKS AT ~ cee ‘On Sale Now At Your Favorite Bookstand, Or Yours By Mail. ‘Sse coupon oF dupticate NAME ADDRESS 485 MADison Avenue CITY. New York, NY. 10022 STATE ZIP. PLEASE =) DAVE BERG ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THESE OTHER MAD SEND ME |_| LOOKS ATYOU PAPERBACK BOOKS I'VE CHECKED BELOW: (ne Dirty 014 MAD (The Uncensored MAD, MAD About Sports ‘Polyunsaturated MAD NAD MAD's faking Stamps The Recycled MAD i, he MAD Jule Book She Now Violent MaD inte Wa More WAD About Sports She pon MAD DAVE BERG Laks tthe USA ‘MAG Around the Ware he taken MAD 7 DIVE BERG Looks at Prope E Mao Coes wid he Pocket MAD DAE BERG Looks at Things Get Steg Hits MAD Che insiie MAD ‘ CH MAD Wd Power De engl Me MAD al © Foitcally MAD Steaming MAD SAVE BERG Looks 3t Ling = MAD Locket he Future MAD at RYE BERG Locks Around MAD Book of Mister ~ The Vintage MAD BRE (une Look Hooked on MAD. HE BERG Locks Listens & Laughs MAD Make Out Book c MAD Guide to Fan {Deception MAD Clobber the Classics The Medicine MAD ES “Vey MAD MAO Book of Revenge CAMAD Sombie 1 MAD Guide to Careers Singing MAD ES MAD Yours S MAO Surv Handbook MAD Dues NES In MAD We ust “Misty Bane 1 MAD Clowns Wound -ARNGONES MAD 2: the evi i The MAD Treasure Chest HES Inca MAD D Sucks ES Shot MAD. C1 SuperMAD ‘CDAtominabe Seow MAD i OMAD About The Guny SIPORGES How Not To Oo it MAD for Kicks Sing Along With MAD On crt ote be USA. ve csc ees Guetade se ena.Aionst TENCLOSE S150 FOR EACH Necétnol be fspansie a ca Teast ex weeks for doliery. (Minimum Order: $4.50) Nhe ana cae ONE MOORE TIME DEPT. Why do millions Yep, ‘of movie-goers film flock to see all fans the “James Bomb” rushed films? Is it the like jazzy cars...” crazy The spectacular down to stunts... Th their local movie houses We think it's to see the promise of, this SEX...implied latest James by provocative “Movie Posters” like this one: Girls, car chases, aki chases, action, stunts, underwater battles and lush It i lacing on| production valuos! he grave? Tar. Bomb, ther But we've SEEN ail that before! That formula's dy q ing a slow deathit 2 |] notHine! ff muchi of the hat tharriife i! 07! adventure! Good afternoon, Nir Borsbl Welcome to "Remote Control Airways" "You are about to lose your luggage and your wecessanily in that orderts heh heh! ARTIST: MORT ORUCKER My UE, Tdont care about But NOBODY threatens| Tam the first of the my LUGGAGE! second-rate villains you'll meetin this fii! there isn't 3 ‘GOLDFINGER” or 2 "ARGO" among vs! Tneidentaly who ARE you? Okay... here's the first of the second: rate QUIPS you'll hear in this fim! How’ THI DOWN THE HATCH!” Not THAT wreck! Last week, our spy ship was sunk in the fonian Seat She was ATAC equipped! ‘Are you aware of our ATAC system, Gomb. ballistic missiles AND unbelievable movie premisest! For 8 million Bucks. [Good! Right now, Zongales| plus 3 ‘sin Spain... in a villa tiled with treacherous foreign typest So, go to work! Everything you need I'6 buy Santa Claus to know 1s in this fle kidnapping Barbara Walters as premise! is Zongales! her two! —_ Well as far f) One...the 7 Two...theguyy) | And three... with all asiican see. |] guy who's |] he's flashing |] those half-naked GIRLS three things || flashing all ven || flashing what THEY'RE ‘are obvious || the money flashing, nobody CARES, here HEistt j] about the of Thadentay Pm ey nothing nw Okay! IS ot used 1 cars Seauipped! Pl equipped! ay “Sut be honest innor sate and rocket no cok thing headight ait ‘Two Greek Men Are Dancing Together” an complicates "Place The ‘Alright, Double Seven... deseribe the vilain you saw with Zongales, and we'll portrait of him on this fabulously exp. Eagy, Bon getting a Youre away! 2 electron Male |caucasian| Tate thirties! fi aa poo ups...? || eves. face? | [Tight] Full and | | Bive, tke | Tean’t help itt We're 30 the fim ‘and | haven't had a decent EMILE LOXX brown![| sott, ana |] two limpia Oval Pl TaOG dW sex scene yet! INTERNATIONAL TERROR|ST AND ENFORCER IN BELGIUM UNDERWORLD. CONVICTED OF SEVERAL MURDERS. ARRESTED, HIJACKING, 001 PING NORUAY. A FOR FONDLING DIFFICULT CHILD) SCHOOL PLAY, "PAINT YOUR WAGON," AND REFUSED TO CALL THE UIND "MARIA.W PRESENTLY BELIEVED TO GE IN CORTINA. Cortinai! Thavain | [ Ti uyto be there by the next panel! Alps, Mr. Bomb! | am Ari | ]Protéee, | Krispytoast! Oo you like || Bippy, ‘our beat nr her "tiple spins” ‘ad that is her Coach and Watch: dog, Vilma Crank, herself former tothe talian yy AR, my Seenery? || 2 Worts 77_}| “class Figure Skater! Especially he Olympic champion! About the fj Seow: ame om {to the "Biathalon” this aftecnoon, Mr Bomb? eigele-eigele! Tid be delighted! By the way, 'm eurloust Tell me.. exactly what is YOUR event? NOW! pny cont Cr Itmeans you wore == Hewsstoo] [The bad gurs a Te KNOW ffve eset [] ‘abit beter thon young for |__| are anecinel BEST Dome str rat YP "Siymole Wet Yes in ‘he Nazi ies time to the OLD Bomb your PL Judgest? [I] The Man withthe emy.ané | | thon therm SUfM So here we ‘event is! =| Golden Gum"—but Ei nes B ents No Was i meen? fin “Doctor Weta rt N nh 3 tooald tor | |sames Bomb's ‘The Sound of Music 0 with Nostalgis Theater best stuff It's Felafal my contact here py I) in Cortinal What 2 horrible way to die! Some evil villain painted his body GOLD... and nie TARNISHED to death'! his man was strangled, Bomb! "You must be hallucinating! era's the "Toboggan Scene" from ‘On Her Majesty's Secret Surface’! ‘No... just wishful thinking! [figure aslong as we're stealing bits from ‘old Bomb films, why not steal from the Hold it! HOLD ITH "THIS scene isn't from YOUR movie! Taetso confused! where On the Loris ing for bia! No, mean Ly Columbia...? 1 Where IS this» —sigh— story wise! [LoS] Columbia...? [L5 <—t What's the | [ Milos Columbia! scoop on || He's into drugs, |[ At the next | realy Emile Loxx? || smuggling, white tablewith || tough thet BLONDE!|| being You'll have to|| a gettoHIM || Super | through HER!|| Hero! |: why? Vd tove [Lam but gf You go Don't Youre lconfuse| | really NOT fmett've| Ja Countess, are you? [How'd you]] is slipping alee sues, dames? Your accent your gown! ‘got BOTH! ‘Quick! Now that we've had sex together ‘and they've shot you... and you're ying. tell me what you REALLY are! [What would you][ Anything... except a LIKE me to be? || “female impersonator” Milos Sure, | smugsle [1 Were A (Columbia! some gold and {i} the ich Man. So you're some pistachio || willstart. | | deed deedie the one rolling int | | eeule dum— wellhave none lent | | t's Vl fact lean hardly make | fonds meet! cur THaT ‘But CARS are cheap ou: ve can buy PLENTY! There goos ANOTHER — CARS? Fm one! What a WASTE! | | not worried Ina few more scenes | | about CARS! vio ki ted the Countess Halibut! Tye knocked off Loxx... 3 ‘Columbia is on OU Just thought 'd come down {600 fathoms to update you! Don't count THIS James Bomb pay Not TOO quickly! The Director ‘ut yet! | still ave a few tricks up my sleeve. ike using the sharp coral wen wwe turn fo eut these rope Thankyou forthe] [Imidant inna t ATAC computer, Me. |_| would end lke this! Bomb! The Russians |) en wil pay handsomely fort And now Prepare to die... could be WORSE! I could be tied to SHELLY WINTERS! || 2 few million dollars. so be patient wile they siosh us Back and forth for awhile! ‘Amazing! Were 1 He's gone No, hata Well Krispytoast | [James Bomb wil ead THERE’ and parrot can thereit || isholed the way forus! it | ] Bomb the Geller his isthe | | upinthe |} ANYBODY can scalea| | there ATAC's Tines with Monastery| | Monastery He cant. | | between a gone with more soul of st with the = rock and 2 hie Turis! TShe, anyway?] | hard place! Wall, Ive decided that neither Russi So, Russian Genera your Tonian Agent is after |compuTER Wel, this movie js ending ike all Simple! Wren] my other movies have ended... with [] I'm working me in bed with 2 beautiful gitt__|| on @ movie, Tell me, James, what's your secret? You're an actor in his fifties! How do you manage to lime mountains, ‘ki dangerous slopes, battle thugs underwater, have enough sexual en ‘counters to give 2 20-year-old a coronary, and never loo DON MARTIN DEPT, PART | ONE DAY IN = Oe STUDIO ONWARD AND UP-THE-CREEK DEPT, According to Webster, “progress” means “...a forward movement, and a gradual betterment.” Well, we think it’s time to take another look at how far we've AWAD REPORT Once upon a time, people did their baking and roasting in In the old days, when you had to cut the grass, you electric oven. They had to pay close attention, of a lawn mower that you had to push around. That's right! ‘they were making would be burned or undercooked. Ht had no motor! It was propelled by muscle power! Yours! Today, we have the microwave oven. Everything is program: ‘The modern lawn mower is powered by a gasoline engine. it med, Nothing is left to chance. Whatever you're making is cuts the grass with practically no effort at all! And it's done to perfection, Nothing is burned, unless you happen good thing, too! Because by the time you get the damned to be exposed to the rays that 2 microwave oven gives off. thing started you're too exhausted to push a mower around Remember when roller skates were adjustable, and one size Today, skates come with the shoes attached, they fit per- fit forever, no matter how big your feet got? They were a fectly, and you don't need a skate hey. But they cost a bother, though. Like, you always had to have a skate key bit more. About 100 bucks more! And if your feet should to fasten them to your shoes every time you went skating! happen to grow, they won't fit and you'll need a new pair. moved ahead, and how much better things are. Yep, this is the third article fi we've done like this, which shows you how much progress we’ve made! Here is < ON PROGRESS ‘ARTIST: HARRY NORTH WRITER: LOU SILVERSTONE Sq) Picnic | GROUND a 4m the good old days, soda used to come in glass deposit Today, soda comes in handy throw-away hottles. No deposit hottes that were used over and over again. But when you to worry about! No schlepping empties to the store. Just finished the soda, you had to take the empty bottle back drink the soda and throw away the bottle. Of course, the to the store to get your deposit, which was a real drag. landscape gets a bit messy, but look at the time saved! Od style jeans were comfortable, but they were shapeless, 1m the old days, people didn't go out much! They stayed baggy things that always looked ike you'd slept in them home and watched rotten movies on television for free! Today, we have “designer” jeans. They're skint, they Today, we have Cable TV. Which means you no longer sit don't ‘wrinkle and they look great. Unfortunately, they're home and watch rotten movies on television for free! ‘uncomfortable to walk in, and impossible to sit down int Now, when you sit home, watching rotten movies on TV, But you look fantastic in them if you just stand around! you have to pay for them! And that, gang, is PROGRESS! ‘THUGS PLUGS DEPT. How do you let potential buyers know about your product or service? You advertise, that’s how! But there are some people who can’t advertise their products or ser- IF THE UNDER WERE ALLOWE ARTIST: JACK RICKARD $a Se Yeah, we've paid off the cops! 9 Who's got the best darn burglars > in the un-der-world? Burglar King andl 3 vices . . . namely crooks, mobsters and other creeps who operate outside the law! So let's take a look (and this is how MAD creates a premise) at what we'd have . ORLD 4352 TOADVERTIS WRITER: FRANK JACOBS. 10 REASONS Are Bills Piling Up... You Can Pay Them All And Getting YouDown? —_ With MONEY From MANNY! WHY YOU SHOULD LET J. & R. BILK HANDLE YOUR TAX RETURN ay) 1. We create deductions which are im- possible to trace. 2, We jam L.R.S, computers with alot of bewildering data 3. We threaten anyone who questions your return, |. We bribe shamelessly, We furnish receipts for our services 12 times what you actually pay and completely deductible. . We provide up to 9 children whom you can claim as exemptions. We supply iron-clad proof that you are incapable of making a living. . We are adept at doubletalk. . We furnish evidence that your busi- ness is actually a non-profit organi- zation, If all else fails, we furnish you with a new identity in «foreign country, J. & R. BILK Efficient, Dependable, Devious Just imagine yourself debt- free! Without any red tape. Without any nosy bankers. Without putting up your car or house as collateral. How? MONEY FROM MANNY! ‘Manny doesn't make you sign long, complex loan forms. Manny doesn't check credit ratings. Manny doesn’t know from Federal Lending Laws. Manny KNOWS you'll pay him bac... because Manny's only collateral is YOU! And you can bet your LIFE on that! MANNY’S ONE-STOP LOAN SHARKING SERVICE A Momber Of Tho Mafia Group WHEN YOU'RE BUYING A HOT CAR COMPARE WALLY’S STEAL-A-CAR WITH ALL THE OTHERS! Chicago Pete's Hot Thrifty Wall's Lovie Discount Harry Heist Make & Model Forged Registration YES YES YES Untraceable Plates YES | YES pe fff bt Respectable First Owner ee Lo [ | | Ten Thousand Why is Wally Number One? Satisfied Customers Because Ho Steals Only The Bost ‘Can't Be Wrong “and Passos Up The Resi If you've got the CASH... Wally’s Steal-A-Car has got the DEAL! Some Lawyers Offer Promises MURRAY THE MOUTHPIECE GETS RESULTS! Charge: Assault and Armed Rob- boery for hijacking a 197- Verdict Suspended sentence for Aisorderly conduc. Lawyer: Murray the Mouthpiece. ‘Tailpipe Izzie (charge: Ist Degree Murder for wip ing. out a family of four. Verdict $50 fine for loitering. Lawyer: Muray the Mouthpiece. Roceo the Gimp Charge: Manslaughter for clubbing a crippled newsdealer af- ter guning him down in a stolen car. Verdict: Loss of driver’ license for ‘one year. Lawyer: Murray tie Mouthpiece, When There’s A Loophole In ‘The Law, MURRAY FINDS IT! MURRAY The Mouthpiece Crooks Get Off On Weasel Wally Tired of ows With Your Business Partner? Rudy’s Removals Can Help You BE YOUR OWN BOSS! Sometimes, one business isn't big enough for two partners. When this happens, it's time to call in Rudy's Removals. Quietly, discreetly, efficiently, ‘we solve your problem by removing the source—your partner. This leaves you free to run things your way and double your share of the business profits aatItTime That ok About Oar Legos corporate NOU Toaka'shot|Paskage Deal, Ia Wich We Remove "with Rug)? fa Entire board OF breton RUDY’S REMOVALS vine Businssman's Bost Frond” Estimates chert teen THE ADVENTURES OF ASRS GORY, ARTIE, GOLLY, ELORIA,NOBODYLL \ WHY NOT TRY] PSP rme marza, WHE YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH ee WITHOUT ) me macia?| |S( wuaT Have T cor EXPERIENCE / WE'VE THEAR ‘ HIRED SOMEONE E15E $ Ney Ne GOT A SWELL TRAINING [ries Vio anes senel vere nme S| aera niae oe aoe toe JOIN UP, \ MAFIA YOU EARN WHILE YOU Bis PHIL! = STRANGLIN'S Bui Poon ) denen tomichagrina xunacce| [etc grow cu ) ie rn SoM Wy Have ANY.) ENFORCEMENT you CHOOSE YOUR SPECIALTY / THATS A Bonus FOR [Saws cre [Peco news, WP aouy, LAST FRIDAYS SHAKEDOWN!| ARTEL A GUY REALLY Bon canto! Tee's ax) YOu BREAK Aisne COR] | BiG PuIL wie wer mveaeD our | MOIS Ue baer EXTRA HUNDRED KY INA GANG WAR! TM PRONOTING A” IN THE MAFIA PAY ENVELOPE: YOU TO ASSISTANT CAPO! ‘JUST LOOK AT YOU, ARTIE! THANKS TO YOU, GLORIA... AND YOU CAN BE JUST AS NEW CLOTHES NEW CAR, AND THE MAFIA / SUCCESSFUL AS Mes FOR ‘Ss A PIECE OF THE ACTION, JOIN THE MAFIA T IT'S MORE THAN JUST A CAREER! UNDERWORLD CLASSIFIED jp Wanted ee ‘Stadons Wanted Wile Spumost, sls Wii the Ware, now at ibery following e Ty OS “~ ‘uaWihen you've just knocked oft a store, $ When ya have tomate a dash And you've made a dandy score a Stew sh oy, a canes RUSS’S soi gea te 4 GET-AWAY SERVICE WEISTS & WOLD-UPS OUR SPECIALTY We're Looking For People Who Like To Draw THE FAMOUS COUNTERFEITERS SCHOOL [Askabout Westport, Connecticut If you can turn out a perfect copy of this famous portrait of Abraham Lincoln, you're on your way toa‘‘money-making” career in the excit- ing world of big- 2 ale time counterfeiting! New York “yl sald ver be 2 money stake. Now et iy Giaw my enn st Paid “Those Who Make MONEY ‘Make MONEY” DON MARTIN DEPT. PART I DOCTORS go et mind Dos) (tay Vouhove ga tonal) I'd like a second opinion! et V 7 TE LGHTE {[n fact, we sell ther faster than we can reall them! WZ ZL ik i xy aa Bes ec a fA 5 RE 3 Seite Bis a0 eau vak ypu) R SIDE Ooo THE PAST SHOPPING EATING = =| [You WO lappe es th FINANCES ZODIACS MURDER DEPT, YOUR MAD HOROOCOPE #4 ARIES March 21—April 19 A strange shifting in the stars may cause you to experience some pleasure while viewing a rerun of Sheriff Lobo. Do not worry. This is only an illusion, and will pass, like a cheap meal. Do not treat lovemaking as a hobby or you could do permanent damage to yourself with wrongful appli- cations of model airplane glue. MOON CHILDREN June 22—July 22 The position of your stars is identical to those of Aquarius, Capricorn and Sagittarius. How this can be, we don't know. (But it does go a long way in explain ing your lack of originality in life!) We suggest that from now fon you read those three horo- scopes and then pick out any ad: € you think looks good to you. LIBRA September 23—October 23 ‘The position of Yank, the main star influencing your destiny, advises that now is an excellent time for a torrid rom However, the position of the Mor- al Majority condemns a torrid romantic fling as a none. The choice is yours. Either be bored out of your skull on earth, or burn for all eternity in hell! CAPRICORN December 22—January 19 oy eal 6 allan sch FE whe aows You! any jut a Bet! ‘The AM may acm horrible tod, eect aloe ee HORE ta fs info Ego At stetjecell tae sind pra iat ac Ses iy Foe 6a TAURUS April 20—May 20 Your enthusiasm is contagious and so is your rash, sok the romantic entanglements. Com: plete one project before begin ing a second. However, it is not necessary t0 complete one project if you're planning to move dir ectly onto a third. Your grades can improve overnight, providing you write legibly on your arm. LEO July 23—August 22 Your main stars have shifted in such a way that, when connected by straight lines, they strongly resemble cither a profile of Al exander Haig or an aerial view of New Jersey. (This is open to artistic interpretation.) Such a configuration strongly suggests that you will soon be overtake by a desire to invade Secaucus, SCORPIO ‘October 24—November 21 A good day! An annoying neighbor will cease to bother you as you are evicted in the AM, Improve your personal ties by throwing out the very wide ones with the polka dot prints. Nobody has been wearing them for years! Look for your mailbox to be flooded with letters as someone pours an en- tire can of alphabet soup in it. AQUARIUS January 20—February 18 Your Moon has very quietly moved from the House of Leo to the Con- jum of Stanley. (Tax Pure poses.) This signals a dramatic upheaval in your emotional state. Warm thoughts will singe your brain, Because Uranus and your piles are one, you could be in TODAY'S BIRTHDAY: Loved ones are| grateful if you ‘try not to spit le blowing out the candles| GEMINI May 21—June21 After years of diligent brown- nosing, you rise to the upper echelons of corporate power. Too bad your company is-about to go ler! This is typical of the way your luck has been running re cently and will continue to for some time. Do not fret! You still have a lot of drive left in you. Take a wip to Detroit! VIRGO August 23—September 22 Give a hand at home. Get ahead at work, Give a passing stranger the eye, and a passing motorist the finger. Lose an arm and a leg at the track. Get something off your chest. Lend your ears to fellow countrymen. Stick your nose in other people's business Get your ass in a sling. Put your foot in your month. Hang loose. SAGITTARIUS November 22—December 21 A study of your stars has failed to uncover any information about your future. This could mean that you have no future, In fact, it's quite possible that you recently passed away, and your loved ones have been derelict in making the proper arrangements. Seek the ad- vice of an expert, however, be fore having yourself cremated. PISCES February 19—March 20 A sensational day! An unexpected romance blooms out of a chance encounter at a local vigilante meeting. Be frank with your boss That way, when you screw up, he will fire Frank and not you! Put your priorities in alphabetical order and stop accepting second hest. It's much t00 good for you! WAITER: JOHN FICARRA ‘THE JOCKS ON THEM DEPT. You've probably seen on TV how Professional Athletes do virtually perfect at what they do, and even the smallest everything possible to gain a physical or psychological bit of gamesmanship can spell the difference between vic~ tory and defeat. You've probably also noticed that, late- edge over their opponents. This is because the Pros are AMAD LOOK AT THE | ATHLETES WHO IMI SO i's common for Pros coming out of a game fo drink one or two cups of “Gatorade” to restore lost body fluids. It's ‘equally common for Little Leaguers who never game to copy thi inki they can’t even wai 7 ‘The young baskethaller who invests in sweathands for his wrists and forehead so he can imitate what the Pros wear obviously hasn’t checked first to learn that his team is probably playing in an unheated basement gym where he'd Took much less ridiculous wearing mittens and earmuffs, 26 ARTIST. JACK DAVIS ‘Watching the Pros teaches young players the importance of consistently (and illegally) elbowing opponents out of the way for rebounds. Unfortunately, it doesn’t teach them that said opponents will probably wait for them in the alley after the game to inflict mmssive retaliation. el ‘The Pro's ritual of stamping his foot and clenching his fists in frustration affer failing {0 cafch an easy pass becomes a hollow gesture when copied by a youthful Klutz wwito has proven repeatedly that he can't even carry his Books down the school corridor without dropping them all. ly, Klutzy young amateurs are using the same tactics on neighborhood sandlots. That's because young athletes are addicted to watchdog sports on TV and they're naturally DIOCY OF YO of calling time out, it’s the novice’s way of looking idiotic for two reasons: (1) his game has no referee to stop play, and (2) his team has no Coach to advise them how to avoid fetting their asses beat even if they could take time out. Mina, “STN Se en Pee ee ences ae Penantaine dias eo Tote eee Bsa cers a he ere eee Smelt rat cctcuie eet sien nal ee adapting all the mannerisms and strange rituals of their television sports heroes. Except that on them, it looks ridiculous! We'll show you what we mean as we now take— Ps & a PROS ON TY * MS BS Despite a burning desire to act like a Pr Quarterback has’ any logical reason for calling a play numbered higher than 2, since the only options are (A) having everyone rush straight ahead for a run play, or (B) having everyone rush down the sidelines for a pass. Ree ero ‘The Big League “pick-off play” is often imitat ed by amateurs but with unsuccessful results. It seldom catches a runner off base, and usually allows him to score all the way from first while the entire opposing team searches for the ball in the border shrubbery, where their pitcher accidentally threw it, HM Ak Spiking the hall after a touchdown is the Pro's gesture of triumph that loses all meaning when an amateur scorer real~ ly has not triumphed over anybody except one defensive back who stood there, picking his nose, through the whole play. “The “high five hand slap,” which the Pros developed to congratulate each other after a tremendously brilliant play, looks utterly jus when it is mimicked on 2 school yard basketball court, where there has never, ever in all history been a tremendously brilliant play. ‘Many young kickers have eagerly aped the Pros in secking greater accuracy by booting the football “soccer style,” but this seems rather brainless when kids usually play on fields that don’t have any goal posts or sideline markers, When breaking out new balls, Tennis Pros always display their expertise by testing them for trueness of bounee, ‘ete. This act becomes meaningless when imitated by pen- niless amateurs who play with the same balls all Summer. Aw / vA A In the NF... team captains who win the coin toss almost Bee na te i es this practice apparently forget that ‘the players in their in racy ery rt a hs plc There is something fundamentally preposterous about kids ‘who confer at the mound on how to handle the next batter, ‘when they all know that thelr pitcher will be lucky if he can even get the ball over the plate on the first bounce, “s ee By imitating the Pros who use “batting gloves” to insure bet- ter grips when making conact withthe bal the amateur Wo makes litle contact with the ball, only benefits from using glove by reducing the chill factor when he swings and misses. TTY teaches young fighters how to celebrate a knockout by raising both arms in triumph. But it does not teach them ‘that different rules apply in the streets, where a defeat- ced opponent can get up again and do severe damage while you're standing there like an idiot with your arms raised, Slowing down to drink a cup of water passed along to you by a friend may be brilliant strategy if you're a bigetime runner competing in the Marathon, but is absurd strategy ‘When you're an 8th grader competing in the 100-yard dash. B.A, champs by ig a three-on-three school yard game not only look foolish, but also run the risk of getting arrested for committing vandalism, ‘The Big Leaguer’s habit of perpetually spitting becomes even more yecchy when imitated by a kid who's unable to et enough distance to even clear the end of his chin, a Stepping out of the batter’s box to knock the dirt from his spikes is a favorite diversion of Major Pros that loses its effectiveness when practiced by amateurs ‘who are usually wearing sneakers and playing on asphalt. CHARLES BRONSON After years of being a Hollywood tough guy, Charles Bronson gave up films in 1987 to op- —” enhis own Shakespeare theater. He made his be ae. debut in “Hamlet,” lit- erally bringing down the house when, caught up in an emotional scene, he demolished the scen- ery, ripped down the curtain and laid out two Supporting actors. In his next role as Romeo, he crushed the ribs ay of seven successive “Juliets” while be- ing carried away in love scenes. Ensuing lawsuits, plus fear of working with him, forced Mr. Bronson to retire. Now 84, he lives in Oregon with his pet rhino. THE THE ipa AND CELEBRITIES OF WHAT SS WHERE ARE Tree T ARE THEy Nowe DON INTHE YEARS NG TODAY | Se = = irs nar acl Fob BARRETT ‘Once the queen of the gossip columnists, Rona Barrett lost most of her newspapers and TV following after reporting’ in 1988 that Edward Kennedy would marry Brooke Shields, that Warren Beatty planned to become a Monk, and that John Denver was plotting to overthrow the U.S. Government. Lawsuits piled up, and the final blow came in 1991, when the National Enquirer, her only re- maining paper, fired her for “being too sensational” Now 70, she writes a weekly senior citizen gossip sheet, and is fight- ing a libel suit by a 91-year-old man who she accused of using shuffleboard — courts for immoral purposes. HUGH HEFNER Now 80 and married, Hugh Hefner lives in a mobile home on the outskirts of Fresno. After selling his interest in “Playboy” in 1988, he became a born- again Christian, taking an active role in the Church of the Devine Gospel. As a traveling spokesman, he persuad- ed thousands to join the Church, among them Bob Guccione (once Publisher of the defunct “Penthouse”) and Gay Telese (a former sex P writer). Hefner, who years ago gave away his millions for re- ligious research, now publishes “Prayboy”, a newsletter which each month features a centerfold of a converted heathen CARTER Alter dropping out of sight when his brother Jimmy was defeated for re-election in 1980, Billy Carter emerged again in 1988 with a plan to make gasoline out of pea- nut oil. The scheme, a fail- ure, wiped out investors and bankrupted the brothers. In 1993, Billy was hired as a good- will ambassador by the Beer Industry, which hoped he could convince Middle East Moslems to relax their ban on alcoholic beverages. He failed, touching off riots that led to the Mid-East War of 1995. Today, at 69, he and Jimmy raise possums in Plains, and add to their in- comes by posing for photos with tourists. VANESSA REDGRAVE Once a leading film star, Vanessa has not appeared in movies since 1986 when she renounced the “Zionist Imperialists of Show Bus- iness” and vanished. Known for her outspoken pro-Arab leanings, she suddenly turned up in Seria in 1991 with a new name, Fatima Mustafa, and a new husband, none other than ex-PLO leader Yasir Arafat (now 77, and a Camel Trader). Her crusade in 1998 to liberate Arab wo- men failed miserably, and she is currently a typical Arab wife. She now makes her home in a Bedouin camp, walks ten paces behind her husband and has adapted well to desert harem life, GEORGE LUCAS In 1992, after completing his 12th “Star Wars” film (“Darth Vader Rusts Out”), George Lucas sunk his en- tire fortune of $350 mil- lion into his 96-hour, 32- part space epic, “Glurkk,” the plot of which dealt with a berserk giant droid who eats planets. The project, requir ing movie screens 500 feet in width, flopped, and Lucas was forced to close up shop. Unable to obtain financing for future projects, he is now “frozen” in a time capsule, planning to wake up in 2091 when, as his instructions _ state, “the world will be a lot more receptive to my incredibly fan- tastic movie ideas!” ED McMAHON When Johnny Carson left the Tonight” show in 1987, Ed McMahon, unwanted in tele- vision, was forced to find a new spot for his talents. He worked brief a hired laugher at roasts and ban- quets, then wrote a self-help book, “Be A Yes- Man and Live!” and an autobiography, “Call Me Today!” In 1992, he campaigned unsuccessfully United States, a for Vice President of the job he described as a perfect for a man of my gift y , he spends his days on a bench outside a Philadelphia, Pa courthouse, chuck- ling over the jokes of pensioners and retired postmen. BILLY MARTIN This baseball veteran, who holds the record for “Num- ber of Teams Managed” (24 in 29 years), left the Ma- jor Leagues in 1994 after punching outa crew of Um- pires at San Diego Stadium. Banned from the game by new Commissioner of Baseball George Steinbrenner, Martin briefly managed a Minor League club in Japan and a Little League team in Taiwan, then served as a Third Base Coach for the Fargo, N.D., Fillies, a woman's semi-pro softball team. Still chipper at 78 and a bouncer in a downtown Las Vegas tavern, Billy feels “certain” he will return one day as Yankee Manager. RALPH NADER Nader, who first gained fame fighting unsafe cars, moved on to new targets in the °80's, launching cru- sades against “radiation / from telephones” (1983), “polluted currency” (1985 “radioactive dental floss” (1991), “kissing” (1992), “all human contact (1994). One year later, declaring that “every- he isolated himself in a lead-walled, steril ized cave in West Virginia. He is now hard at work on what he calls his “most important project” —research exposing the pollution and poor safety stand- ards we can expect “in the Hereafter! CASTRO Alter nearly three dec- ades as the most power- ful Communist leader in the Americas, Mr. Castro gave it all up in 1987, telling his people that —— “Marxism is a big bore!” With that, he brought back tourism and casinos to Havana, and by 1994, controlled all of the gambling in the Caribbean. Today, 79 and a dap- per dresser, he entertains high-rollers at his WUE Club “Castro, denies “9% any connection to j organized crime and remains a bachelor, ©) hobnobbing with show business celebrities. Recently he has been = linked romantically with Farrah Fawcett (now 59 and separat- ed from her 6th hus- band, Donny Osmond). LIP SCHTICK DEPT. A MAD LOOK A f°? | THE “LONG DISTANCE” KISSER THE “PINCH A CHEEK” KISSER 4 LOUSY KISSERS oN a Z eee A THE “AIR” KISSER Yem "iene THE “MACHO” KISSER THE “STATIC ELECTRICITY” KISSER ONE DAY AT THE FEDERAL BUILDING — POLLISH JOKES DEPT. ‘There's an old saying that swears: “Statistics don't lie!" Well, maybe they don't— but they sure can be made to fib a lot! If you don't believe us, just check out... A MAD GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING STATISTICS ARTIST: PAULCOKER WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF HOW STATISTICS CAN BE BLOWN WAY OUT OF PROPORTION Here is the ad they ran... And here is what the place looked like in reality... ‘The First Week... S) ke oY STATISTICS CAN ALSO BE DISTORTED AND SLANTED BY WHERE A SURVEY IS TAKEN For example... first study this ad... And now look where the survey was taken... 98% OF TH WESTINGHOME EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT STORE > SELECTED west W\| Sy 480% OFF ON ALL WESTINGHOME PRODUCTS PRODUCTS & APPLIANCES” i EA ‘BOY WHAT YOU MAKE™PROTECT YOUR JOB IS IT POSSIBLE THAT TWO SURVEYS CAN SHOW TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT ANSWERS? Of course! In answer to the question, “Are you planning to get married?”, one survey if those asked si nd another survey showed that 91% of No!” How could ¢ 2 it was where the question was asked! showed that 91% those asked HOW A QUESTION IS PHRASED HAS A LOT TO DO WITH THE resus OF A SURVEY For example... wouldn't you be tempted to answer “Yes!” to both of these questions— even though they represented diametrically opposing views of the very same issue...? T[/ Do you think that stores should be allowed to remain lt qi think thal stores should be closed on Sunday so 4 open on Sundays 20 hat working people an have some | reedy owners won't be able to squeeze the lat | a er ny Out of The poor shoppers EVERY DAY of the week? a ‘AND, COURSE, WHO IS ASKED A QUESTION CAN ALSO SLANT A SURVEY RESULT if you wanted a high percentage of to the question you going to buy a Video R ar?” which IPS PRETTY EASY TO ALTER THE ODDS OF A SURVEY TO GET THE ANSWER WANTED nd-folded.-- OUT OF 10 PEOPLE PICKED COKA a ‘AND FINALLY, LITTLE “GIFTS” CAN __HELP SLANT THE SURVEY’S RESULTS PUT YOUR FUNNY INTHE BLANK DEPT. Most cods think they could become successful comedians the vast sum of $50 needed to hie a top comedy writer if only they had the chance. They'e oll convinced that to prepore material for them. We think this adds up to justone thing stands between them and national acclaim: discrimination against the poor, so we've asigned one of happened to me on my way over here from __. A bum came up and asked me to call him a taxi, so ___(3) ~_. But seriously, friends, I just arrived in your fine city after three wonderful weeks of play- Good evening, ladies and (1) ___._ A very funny thing ing 4 Durin school classmate who ment, I ran into an old high Speaking of that, what do you think about ___(6)_— a} elieve me,-when I was younger, nobody would even dream of — As you may know, I grew up in first girl I dated, She was so — older, I’m just thankful Say—here’s a joke for you. A fella goes to a psychiatrist and I imagine I'm a rabbit.” So the psychiatrist says, _(11 come nobody’s laughing at this material? Tl never forget the Now, as I've grown a little Inciden before I finish my act, I've been asked by several of you to (a) But what I'd really like todo is leave you with a bit of wisdom that was passed on to me by I was going into show business, he j (i) When I told him t smiled and said, I hope you'll remember that as I have. Thank you, and Gawd bk FILL BLANK 24 FROM THIS GROUP A. in Las Vegas~on the upper lors of solic inthe drunk tank of smal southern jul . second Bl to x traned seal in aca diva side show D. around with my neighbors wife whilehe FILL BLANK 35 FROM THIS GROUP told me great joke in dale, bat forgst the punchline patted along that gg about Jacke Ons Beihat sure youve heard had funny story abo the Pops tmeeting Bo Derskonatran Praised me for endorsing Bro eek, eventhough lm not Jew FILL BLANK #8 FROM THIS GROUP FILL BLANK #29 FROM THIS GROUP sk tothed tha she ate comm on the cob raduation picture, she be wie front row wv upto be my close FILL BLANK #12 FROM THIS GROUP Just raise your hand you want me FILL BLANK #13 FROM THIS GROUP. cout own fop $50 writers to whip together a monolague of success if every aspiring comic uses the some material, the type that has launched many of today’s comedians on we've included enough multiple choice jokes for you to the path to fame ond fortune, Since MAD cannot promise fill in the numbered blanks and thereby personalize... FILL BLANK #1 FROM THIS GROUP DO-IT- YOURSELF COMEDY we FILL BLANK #3 FROM THIS GROUP A. bithim ROUTINE (==: he WRITER: YOM Koc FILL BLANK ##7 FROM THIS GROUP B. shoving up ata prs house naked on the fica C. Charging people mon Bas FILL BLANK #14 FROM THIS GROUP. OUR SURVEY SAYS. .."YECCH!” DEPT. FROM LOS ANGELES,_| AND ALSO FROM LOS ANGELES! ano THis PM CALIFORNIA...1T'S | | —BECAUSE WE'RE CERTAINLY IS THE TV SITHE FINSTER FAMILY, | NOT GOING TO GIVE THEM THE| GAME SHOW HOWARD, KAREN, MONEY AND AIRFARE—IT'S THAT MAKES tS ANDY, LORRAINE THE DOE FAMILY... JOHNBOY, THEM ALL +) AND JAYWALKER... |) LING, VITO, RUBY AND SVEN! | INTO... = a here's ine Host of “Family ‘i. Yo dark na t be ie . Thatvay You ny dee mT] lar = ur fon ivr iw Secretory Seay = pee ou Totus Andy, the us tothe r 5] how Ve i Decoy Cop! members ot | | Ja pe your family! | |Gad, Sven Svensen! ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES WRITER: DICK BIC at Richard, we wateh the show at LI 1s a BOMBI And]. ‘kay, is tie to play “Family Fools" The we WIN, then wel frat feam to reach 280 points plays for tellyou now to defuse $10,000 fcxpot We take the frst player it! But if we LOSE. y each team first! And the first one to hit the well more than your |( | _ buzzer first goes first and answers the first | question! ut his onewer nt onthe Board i mt (ozzz || tove... What has "LOVE" = Well ‘And now, F] Do you God only knows! irs been] he let's eet yau rave [] want to [] What [| _ ‘so one'since that's hap ‘go! Name By jove, 3 decision F) play. happens it [>] pened, no one can remember! something || “answer to youre tomate” | [orpass? P] we pass?” || '' me a favor and play! ‘hat’ | | something fant | A MADEN | | they maken MAKE. MAKE LOVE} y, [ss MIAPAN! | | “Japan.? Love” isinumber ‘CARS” is up es ate \1 Ton. Nae ona You call "MAPLE ]| We sure do... ‘What a] | SYRUP" GREAT || ful answer to the ANSWER! || Guestion, "Name Briliant! || someth "a wonder: || front ‘WON DERFUL! my BUTTER..! | |answert V Sorry, ou didn't answer in time! Thats strike two! One more strike and the Doe Family will have a free try! Look at them there, ina deep huddle deep huddle. inva DEEP SLEEP... GIGGLE larawwwi HAUART] | iteit would have been funny and not SW TCKER] | at all degrading! Well Finstors. you have three ‘Our guess is] | Rick Shaw was Geors strikes, so the Dae Family has 3 Shi HER, RICKSHAW! rete Unl."swill Someone please wake up the Doe Family so they can start || eying to give their answer...” Wow comes the part of aur show that LI~Okay here we Si, | appreciate the fact that you] Takes the demand for tickets to be. [] go! "Something brought Rosalya and Amy anc Bly | in our studio audience so huge..." | | made in Japan ‘and Miss Lillan.and know thet RADIOS! Wehit bands of 12 ater, Ms stot money. out that's! entaudlences reading un. J) ALL familes MUST be Interviewed | WATCHES! uessed answers out oud! before they can be on the program! ‘CAMERAS! \ eH Ty i II \ las Otay, FE se Tore Tim going to ask you Finster Family 19 play five questions How tor the $10,000! Howard rer since NBCis, | | toanswer! And instead of my intast place nthe | | readingyou the questions,” | | means you don't ratings again, anoit. | | Tiletyou FEEL them wan the’ $10,000 isin bg financial, because Iey"re written in aan trouble, weve made it | | Bralle! Okay. ready? GO. ats ight, Richard ust tle harder [can't hears THING! yea towin the $10,000! Ten cases of Dent-Teeth Gum! ‘And now, is time for at's meet Celebrity Group Numbor “Celebrity Family Fools”! the team from "60 Minutes"! ‘Chewing Dent Teeth fe like This is the show where eating 2 toothbrush! And te celebrities make fools of themselves! But it’s okay [0] Decause they make {oats of themselves on ‘More gum, and more filings!" their own shows anywayl! YOURS..-compliments ofthe J American Dental Association! You kiss em ‘As you know... and $0 LE RHODA "oR. ALAN And LYDIA Ei [J FELDMAN, MARKHAM, [] FANG, we the" ||” whois whois || has played Gavin 5 | gan iy Seamen... otherwise Doctor i secretary! || real life! es Keopats [Dies of anos BARS ear me Tee that Wallace | [NONE!Did you know that the || you guys what | | March of Dimes spends over a || are almost quarter to collect a dimer? || as much id you know that the people || fun OFF at GARE don't really care?! || your show Did you know that all they do || asyou are Is FIGHT at the United Fund? || ON it! oi aga ‘ remind the L¢} tough! Now. with ‘that in mind Before | do that, Richard, my Mother wanted, more than ‘anything alse in the world, tobe here so you coule kiss LIWreouldwes LS you... ang then you'd kiss her? Close! | was won: | dering you'd kiss her dentures! have them here her So was wondering...?_ [| in this glass 1_20KES go back that far! TTerove that "bri later. giggle, 2a On dear, that kind of humor makes me wish | was ‘stl on "Hogan's He what show you're on! Your ID iS yy No, dues guess to go, and your team will play for he $10,000! Name the TV network! There are three answers on the board, and so far, we ‘Okay, Rhode, one more —! Yes, I First strike! Don't Dr hi PBSis (7) worry! Mark ational!_| | They ham ———= | beep its Educational | | tout your Oh, my gosh! | | so the Suent we ABC and CBS! said thaton | | "sters ine | commercel || went | pase u television! This is @ | [ Give you all 2 My Doctor saysits ‘rom [J But tke Ri ‘Sircnc [coffee Traian’ guess! | was st reading ‘theletters off the side of those TV | Well | don't want to say NBC is doing bad, but if you want to BUY one of those cametas, see me after the show! Now .-two of you [ae ‘willplay tor $10,000 for [So your favarite charity right fatter this commercial || Nea | pal THREE WEEKS LATER. I< Coffea? poner ate This i a Rold-up, Tad? Gime all the money. LI Oh, certainiy! How BM We're back now... and the team from i! on, itreally Lt Okay. L1'Some- Something ‘Something ‘And finally at" is playing for $10,000! doesn't matter: [| something |] thing [) “9 house you do Bf)... something a \ CoN @i aA SIE CG Mike, (vs amazing how your mind Dray bine Rhode Yiknow, I really Well folks! pe Well, not exact! goes off nso many ceeclanah cate esau thie sls |] Ti wht ff they won the Cee mt | root booth now Spring tore tew | J yourchaniy ff care Tow, you've got 187 points so for Rhoda, we asked Bucks, and buy Thos won... Bf nas bee IWRthoga comes out andgetsan ad: | ‘Sine ive ques curseves sew networ FV a0 ional 3 point, you Rave soundproof both! | wont Tray shouldbe worn 200 points and you charity wll jet $10,000... minus 2 few pro: diction costs, some technical fees ‘and a certain amountof overhead! won $1,135! er, dollars! etme putt this way, they could du Swing us very ite money 24 wh) Cm WAN ak ee 2135? | ze Hey, how | [You're al How Well so much or tris edition —|_[~ Soityou think comewe | | “TOTAL come | | of "Family Fools" Too bad the ve got 9 dianveet | | wiorse | | youre ‘show's over, because this is sires | | wenthet | | good EAL case weweres | | athome entteeth |_| REAL tamiy | | Srurse Try playing Ghowing’ | | (soleould | | ‘Stnid Mae split up more of our fam “Family ole"! a wn yout | | here! | | tes than "The Newly Wed Gam Goodnight | PO) HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS Tad Tectia MAD FOLD-IN HATE SENDING The Movie Business is changing all the time, and SSN Soy aisle me cree sm that has parents really aroused. To see fold in page as shown at the right. bla Sse4 what aa ay FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT 4B FOLD BACK SO“A" MEETS “B” LATELY, MANY ANGRY PARENTS HAVE BECOME SICK AND TIRED OF THE MOVIE INDUSTRY. THEY FEEL THAT IT’S A RACKET PRIMARILY DEVOTED TO TURNING THEATERS INTO “PORN” PALACES ap *