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THEDARKERYSTAL SGmE A BREAK’ n0n MART: mm stg AND THE USUAL GANG OF IDIOTS ‘ . i » FF | ALFRED E oF. yoyo? NEUMAN'S Cale” Rae TooTH a ae BRUSH v ee mre Nee 485 MADison Avenu New York, N.Y. 1002: | enclose $9.75*. Enter my name on your subscription list, and mail me the next 10 issues of MAD Magazine. NAME ADDRESS. cerry STATE, by Jatratina Money. ade sh fs, sk sna nae ana on 2 USA, Ban Aon Whe cannol te espensibe ROR Pere NUMBER 240 JULY 1983 VITAL FEATURES “TOOTSIE ROLE” (AAD ‘Movie 1s better to sleep on something you plan todo than be Kept awake by something Satire) ‘ve done!”—Alfred E. Neuman Pg. 4 WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN edivor LEONARD BRENNER art director TOM NOZKOWSKI production NICK MEGLIN senior editor JOHN FICARRA associate editor GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI subscriptions WHAT'S WRONG JACK ALBERT lawsuits © ANNE GRIFFITHS logistics a CONTRIB sal pogo ‘A SCHOOL PROM...? DEPARTMENTS A SYMBOL-MINDED IDEA DEPARTMENT ators Signs For Al Occasion 1 BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT She Lighter ae Gr 6 CROCK AROUND THE ROCK DEPARTMENT THe EVOLUTION Don Martin Looks Into “The Dark Crystal” 26 OF ATV ERR APPARENT DEPARTMENT SiTURTION iets tong With te Picture (OF A School Prom)? ... 24 oMED EXPANSE ACCOUNT DEPARTMENT The Evolution OFA Tv Stuation Comedy 2 FOR AEPEAT'S SAKE! DEPARTMENT Insiant Replays We'd Ratner Not Have To See “0 HOFF-MAN/HOFEWOMAN DEPARTMENT belle ole" (8 MAD howe Sate) 4 F JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Lid rita Seve. Soy 4 LOOKS iNTO LEARNING A LIVING DEPARTMENT Dank Rentclogue Of Courses OF Te onrstaL" Sree Collage OF Aduthosd Tsining 29 em LETTERS DEPARTMENT Fanaom Sempings Of Reader Mail 2 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT "Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones . NELL AND VOID DEPARTMENT ‘Give Us A Break" (A MAD TV Show Satire) 42 MOTHER i ‘OFF THE WALL DEPARTMENT Re ‘A High Schoo! Bulletin Board 38 THE SICK HUMOR DEPARTMENT WORLD Litle-Known And Rarely Diagnosed Pg. 35 MAD Ailments Contracted At Fast-Food Restaurants... 14 VISA VERSES DEPARTMENT Mother Goose Around The World 35 *°Various Places Around The Magazine “GIVE us Sysco ie A BREAK" Messager aaaemeret tery ncaa ae a eee (A MAD lates 8a : Saree change of adatess wo become eltecive Satire) eenue. Naw York WY 10082 The. Pode LETTERS DEPT. SPRUNG A LEAKEY? wr MAD 238 cover was excelent wha surprisingly acura stand Bishop cout the Neandethal Aled Turco especialy like rectly portrayed ssan upg imellige flow wih use arate ek dob, crete plans Tis sp dec view oleic weve bcnncone al where wee going (bananas Nandy Nee Wh Archacologs The University of West Florida Pensacola, FL ‘SALUTES CHARLES DARWIN'S BIRTHDAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHARLIE! MAD #238 Cover, Is Dorwin Spinning In His Grave??? link wars his science tag: Neurae dlesthal Man? George Wei West armouth, MA About your MAD=238 cover: When are ‘you guys going ro stop monkeying around Rusty Os Palo Alo, CA hough ir was great how you finally put MAD's"sual gang of idiots” on the cover of MAD Bernard J Saccar Hackensack, NJ SALE! (MAD: AT YOUR SERVICE ‘our feview, An Officer Ain't No Genie man,” deserves a "Section 8 Marc Hare Delano, CA Your spoof, An Officer Ain't No Gente man,” fas very enlightening [ da my 100 pushups every night Scote Lancaster Somewhcte, USA Stan Hare and Mort Drucker’s"An Officer Ain't No Gentleman” ain't no good “faye Smith Chapin, MI “GLOWING” REVIEWS Martin’s“Atomic Holocaust Survival was rel Bombe Pat Leathrum Newark, DE D Manual Don Mattin’s“Atomic Holocaust Survival Manual” was grea! You never know...some i might come in handy David Buskirk Pleasant Valley, NY I thought Don Martin's Aromic Survival Manual was carth-shattring, David Carswell Brandon, VT X-CITING X-AUIATIONS! Congratulations to Don Edwing and Bob Cuarke tor the xcellene article "MAD X- Reagans” Anochce «pert xchibition, Eros Bongiovanni Pliinfeld, VT stupa In YMAD'S Xe Reagan” youre Utama Presiden Jobin ©. Fiston the et of President Reagan and ET: (pied by te Ukcainian actor Par Bion) on the right Uf yore bth wre Ura don oom bod were Ukeainian, yo ate ver stupid, Which ii Sitcphan Uktsinchuk Prtcburgh, PA We're vety clever! We've been working aur buns off trying to build @ solid Ukroinion readership!Ea. ‘A *PRIVATE” REMARK [thought your "Private Benjrmind was as fanny as the show was stupa Dick Denicke Biddlesown, CA We're nat that good! Sseoese aero hess, Marc Del Creto Lynbeook, NY ny Osbourne is a lowlife scum, a fungus bucket ae che Black stuf between Jen peopies tors. Furthermore, the peor sho lise Osbourne area bunch of SLEE 7081 Anthony Hamilton Valley Stream, NY DOUBLE MAD ES.R727 Hey! What isi with you guys?? Fist yo scooped Time Magarine by featuring Pac Man on your cover long before they did (Lesters Page, MAD #258) Now it turns ‘at tha you've managed scoop Newsweek Magazine as well with your MAD 2234 MPAS*H cover! Is this a double case of MAD ES.” of are you trying to compete Time and Newsweck Forget ie guys! You'l never, ever be as Funny Theeess Brogna Staten Islancs NY 3 Deg wnse char Sltenit MAD FINISHES OFF M‘'A'S"H De Newsweek Cover, February 1983 Another “Time,” Another Place? VERY IMPORTANT! Ive been readin 1972. T'd just like ‘ Bought over he ls ‘our magazine since fay that the isues T arhave been the best, with che funnies and most biting sitire ver. Bravo! I never knew you could improve on something aeady gre Glenn Dresler Kankakee, IL MAD is like wine: it gets better with ogel (And too much of twill moke you bortll~ Ed “Please Address All Correspondence Tos MAD, Dept. 240, 485 MADison Avenue New York, New York 10022 YEP, WE’RE “OUT” AGAIN...WITH ANOTHER MAD DOUBLE PLAY IN OUR NEVER-ENDING ATTEMPT TO “SCORE”! aoe? FIRST, WE “STRIKE OUT” INTO FRESH SUBJECT MAT- TER WITH THIS ALLNEW, NEVER-BEFORE PUBLISHED STUFF FROM “LEFT FIELD”! THEN, WE GO TO “BAT” WITH THIS LATEST ASSORTMENT OF COLLECTORS’ ITEMS THAT WE ONCE “GROUND OUT"! WE'RE HOPING FOR TWO BIG “HITS” AS WE DELIVER THIS "QUICK PITCH"! 4 Cut At Them At Your Favorite Bookstand...Or Send Them Home! -use coupon or duplicate -~ PLEASE SEND ME: IW: FASID) D) NAME, THE MAD GUIDE TO ADDRESS. SEX, VIOL 485 MADison Avenue cyty__ HOMECOOKING. New York, NY. 10022 stare ZIP. MAD ABOUT TOWN ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THESE OTHER IDIOTIC MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS I'VE CHECKED BELOW: The Drty On MAD 5 MAD Cari Sth MAD Rept on SPY ve. SPY ng long We MAD Folyandurtes MAD Save W Coe on oo SPV Nab ato Spr The Rojle MAD whos ‘AnD Look at id owes AD ing Stamos The Non ent RAD Pal MAD fat of MAD Old Moves The MAD lente Bok The Rp OF MAD 5 aD ene We MAD Aout Sprts AMD toot 3 TY sound the Word AMMD Gude to Leja Tie HAD Coes The ovale MRD DON MARTINS Catan Gate AMND Gute f Sel inprovement ter stated th MAD Ort 8 MAD ON MARTIN Caos AMMO Gade to Frau! Despion HAD Jock ok Siaming MAD ALUIAFEE Sip Stove HAD Nora omer ta a ou a ALM ECs Ma ok f Man folie MAD We Vintage DON MARTI Sep Further Out Nove 5 Sao MONE sk Ie Fuute — led wa DON MARTIN es Asso AL MFFERs Neo MAO Book a Nytenes DON MARTIN i: een Sil tore AUAFFEEs Sroppy Anores—2MAD Gade to Gave Pier is ene MD DON MARTI AL WeFEE MAD ection, MAD ate Ot ooh AMAD Scrafible DAVE BERG Looks S ong Another JAFFEE Snappy Answers MAD Clobbers the Classics sacs AD OME BERE Looks at Bogle IMFFEE Treas Ot MAD Bock of Revenge 100 Ovetanrs DME BERG ks a Things AaxGOes "te Map MND Coie to Cares IMO Sluts round OME BERE Wodera Thing SARAGONES ad sbeut AD HD Si nck The MAD tease Chest = DAE BERG Oy Sie Woe AFAGONES MAD srs ong io Sues DME BERG {ooks 9 vg ARMEONES MAD Yi a Cone MAD oped RV BERE Los fcane ARAEONES WaD 3: the Ge ty Book Aoreate Stow MAD DAVE BERG {ve ARRGONES iby MAO Wher Cue ao bout ie Bey DAVE BERE (sks Listens & Laughs ARAGOMES Sioa." MAD MAD Sten IAD fr kicks DAVE BERG Looks at 00 AARGOMES MAD lal The sou of MAD The censored MAD Te Al ew SP vs. SPY = RBREOES MAD A ter EBWiNG 8 cate Sarat Png MAD = Si SPY Flom Upie ARRGONES MAD Hinaze EDWIN Bo 9 Almas Supeberoes = MAH bowed MAD Dos SPY ws. SPY NAD fo" Getto Verse loge eters fo MAD Te tags Rolee MAD ‘MR MAD Csi SPY ve: SPP 4 PORGES How Not Te Doi ow 10 woe or dn We camo! be responsible fx cash Ove he USA add TEMOLOSE +173 FORE NGH Tost orstlen im he Mais, Chek (Minimum Order: $5.25) ‘¢ Money Order preferred (rela es ee esa re all friends of ro Dwarty...the struggling actor! | we're throwing this | ‘party for him t's SURPRISE party This isa very special part you're auditioning for, Mr. Dwarly! What character roles have you played...” Well, lonce played a confused college graduate who How cana bunch of ‘unemployed, starv- Ing actors afford to buy al this food and booze?!? Unfortunately, for the last few weeks, | haven't {Thats the surprise! struggling Writer's block?? ‘ad then \\ another | good part Gee._.your | AGENT said | [that No. my arber! | e a How about a sleazy or I recently played a divorced ite fody of fi ‘SURE ws heard the || candy— the most ‘over and hour! insecure Didn't any of you hear the BANGING? — 1 THs so sweet of you Notbad...but you're Ip ro..! But what's | | | don't know! Look around some to rehearse me for just not displaying out in New York?? | | time! There must be SOMETHING! my audition, Micro! | | enough emotion, Candy! Syn ; How has my script_ | | Can't you show anger \ reading been so far? REAL ANGER?” al Mt YINICCHH! Gorge, you're my Thave this gnaw: || _ A dirty slimy rat! ‘Agent! Tell me— ing feeling that | — x} | how come I can't had an appoint- | {NOW | remember! get any work in ment today...but [| My AGENT! Work on this town..27 ‘can't remember) that script! ‘who it's itl see you later. ae Tillevel with you, Microl You're To build up ox office poison and your name is your EGO, ‘mud in Show Biz! If you dropped you Dummy!! ead today, maybe two Producers'd WHAT's an ‘show up..to spit on your gravel! Agent FOR?! Gorge. face =" Ohay Okay! Right now. iiailyou're [| _Look. .1 KNOW gotta go down ta the what people think || Unemployment Office! Of Agents! | admit we're not perfect! || That's great! Remember I get ten percent ‘But we're NOT BLOODSUCKERS!! |] of your Welfare Check! ‘Actually, there's only -—=——————————" Tre job pays | ONE acting job open [TOh, great! There's || four thousand in New York City right bucks a week! ‘Row..-and that’s the —— part of a dowdy female 1 think Pl Hospital Administrator consult an ina TV Soap Operat AVON LADY! eerenirert ‘Am |erazy | [ These modern broads! What Well, t would've f é ee | |e eee lpi caper || Meee era care teed goat ER reais: veg eat itte passe oan ie ener thé re? ||| she'd drop a eect a : cease || eae : Vl Te Whats winDon.? |[ Search walle ard we! on.yeont] [ To\puled otf. ae ][ ows tom’ 1! Boheve me, Necolapredinica ||twostired,he gave me |] oncatner | | greatststuntin Show || Nira ey amt samicommmosning, || seustoxing frie || tmagine | | Genstertansinere's || ‘eedyou tnaly made one mistake? || fifout onde etme || sctedme | | ‘Goreet tri tirgve” || gots of hat “osnow | | hinclenueklechuctie— |[_Retru jacket! Toumere wanhim [sees I) ey | | the SHOCK offi LIFE ian hat happened? : tes! Damnit | forgot : Piya. sie Boy tookme U Tec lmpossiate {alte excitement? [] to shock an Agent! tooth, he doesn't move too ‘SEE for the || next two breath Tnever S} fast, and he doesn't hear too rest of || minutes? goto bed ‘well! But wateh out for him wel sy ie? || I'm busy! 2 || without he's a first class lecher either! FThat’s Yawn Von Ham, Doralee! Oh, yeah My dear! | ==} of, darn! What breath He plays the Surgeon on our he What are | [You mean | Three |[ Gee, how || spray!? This Soap! He's a bit long in the dovsn't you doing|| for the ||| spritzes of || much could || is OXYGEN! this Nicknocks! | play Nurse Charleston Jon the show! You| | Gee, Doralee, I'd like , He ‘must be Doralee |_} us to become real close How do you know all this...? some, the Administrator! iknow she likes me! But she thinks I'm a female. and if | | tell her the truth, I'm not sure she'll like me as a mani! |” ello! 1m Juicy | Yes! | play Emma Cumber | [ive got a real problem, Jif! 'm in love with Juiey...and. Micro, right...?_ [> friends! Bosom buddies!! “iff, MT guess i's well okay! But Kim'sorry [] because it’s pushed! | [{How about me coming]| won't it be a for being || that time of could sure || along? could use || itle too dull soccranky! || month for me! Useaweek-|| _therest! We'ddo || foryou.-.2” fend away || fun things together! | ‘Aw, that’s fromthe || You know...2 little | re you kidding? okay... show at Gila. ying || 20 cold showers my house || arcundin our P's || a day—and the upstatel! stuff like that! [time will FLY! tit gre Uh girls without a eare in the world yeah. with no men fo worry about sure. perfectly Sick and tired of living a LIE... Tdon't CARE -———————— For what? (ma national ‘Are you CRAZY? || "BEST celebrity. Gorge! | | Yourever made so || ACTOR"? want OUT of my jour| | OR “BEST 'Soap Contract! I'm ACTRESS"? 2 oa toa perfect day! Who'd || believe that in a huge ‘ever believe that two || 14-room house, there's! girls could have so much || oniy one small bed for fun...without sex...2)_ || "two grown people! Tas ee a ~Sigh.the perfect end_| [The same people who eee re Ladies and Gentlemen. .1've called all you stall members together to let you in on a deep dark secret that I've been Keeping all these months! You see, I'm not really your Hospital Administrator, Emma Cumbersome. [rm really her BROTHER, Freddie!! Took, whoever you sre ‘SHOCKED "em, hell We're fring you You're FIRED! Thousa zs (alee im sorry |! know I'm an unemployed] y ‘ happened, Juicy. but [] actor...and | can't of ‘of things like murder, social diseases, ig] this can be a new be-|| fer you much in material | kiddie porn, incest and abortion, you ginning for us. not || things. but at least think 3 Soap audience is going to be an end! | love you! || you'll have yourself a PSET by some lousy TRANSVESTITE?! | Please marry me...! Nowadays, THAT stutf is for DISNEY! || knock-out WARDROBE! | You know... was a |[~ Yes...but | was a worse better man a3 2 woman [What in hell are you talking about... \ man as» woman with man with a woman than I've ||"pretending to be a woman, ever been asa man || "than 've ever been as a with a woman... man with a man. Tm talking about US! _ yop, THAD jada Mico! 1 WHY didn tl you was ME Tater, + You know, Just tot Youthinkits tough |] atthe very begining? at it ser” |] "orto let our rtaxinga ving beng || had fun putting you on Gut ten, an Acton ry being > f maybe || relationship grow |i] of money! Don’t torget— bene | knew how you FELT about m WRITER some timel! and then... |] we already HAVE our own| T ust couldn't break your heart! who KNOWS what there =| sts Man, it cost me a FORTUNE to rent | But...! But...!!__]|that house upstate far the week-enc When you see this sign, you know it means a stippecy) curve is ahead... A SYMBOL-MINDED IDEA DEPT. And when you see this sign, you know it means. there’s no smoking permitted! Yessiree, all over the world, “picture signs’ tell it like it is... without words or explanations... and people get mediately! Which got us to wondering: Wouldn’t it be great if this type of sign was used in even more places and situations? Then we'd be duly warned or informed by these— PICTURE SIGNS FOR ALL OCCASIONS OUTSIDE A TYPICAL SERVICE STATION... 4. inept mechanic - on duty. [HI-TEsT) | 2. Filthy ) restrooms. 3. Pumps may or may not contain grade of gasoline designated. 4. No Jews allowed. 2. No Blacks allowed. 3. No member of any kind of ethnic or minority group allowed. OUTSIDE AN EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT... 41. Sky-high prices. 2. Slow service. 3. Very small portions. 4, No seating, unless Head Waiter is tipped. OUTSIDE A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT... 4. High risk - of radio- a gs ‘ 4 V [Sas tier ‘ 4 ‘ ‘ y 3....not to ale ‘ealbdoanal ‘ 4. Protestors renee 4. Assassination in progre: 2. mil ry take-over imminent. 3. Beware of Secret Police. ‘4, Bribe-taking as usual. 4. Stop for muggers. 2. Parked cars are stripped by residents. 3. Watch out for falling bodies. 4. Kiss your money goodbye OUTSIDE A SWINGER’S APARTMENT... 4. Wild parties usually held 2. ...where marijuana is served f 3....also ‘cocaine. 4. No ugly broads admitted. 1. Wait will be interminable. 2. Some painful injections are likely. 3, An accurate diagnosis is unlikely. 4. Doctor is into fee-splitting. 1. Uncomfortable seating. 2. Movie to be shown is a real bomb. 3. Rough trip is expected. 4. Baggage was placed on wrong plane. OUTSIDE A TEENAGER’S ROOM... 1. Deafening stereo. 2. Telephone tied up 3. Beware of messy clutter. 4, Obnoxious kid brother, stay out! lease 4 Pot Ca a FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS ee BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. Tle GET DOCTORS ined you | [Sol strongly recommend But, Doctor... Then | strongly recommend] d that you're that you start jogging! aloes) [ARE {_ that you Cur IT ouTit | IN DOWN! You = PHYSICAL ATTRACTION [remeron \Xeness] (sey |Get of thi oo thi of Brooke Shields! | A SIDE OR... ACCUSATIONS (Tthas come to my attention ‘And I've got the evidence 7 Thever bought an empty that students are going off- | fright nere...a whole car "7 beer can in my lifell | campus during lunch periods | ff ton of empty beer cans!! ADVICE STINATION PARENTS We CAN'T | [We've got to have SOME Sue Ellen! BODY to talk about!! | as dam stereo ea With that a= Tow in heck do_you expect me) Tean't hear [Pesan ag blasting = (ice your HOMEWORK done?! | 4. (a) Oh, (Sesthie Pena hate] No matter how hard he tries dam *] (cctithleebs ieee ont [=the thing never workst! — your Son how to cope with | LUFE'S os PROBLEMS! Ts anyone locking yur No,theyie] ts there anything sticky | (Good! Change seats with me! view of the sereeh anarm rest missing? ff both here! | [lor gooey on your Gushion? s cor A, Not It's clean! EXPANSE ACCOUNT DEPT. ver noticed what happens to a slay on the air beyond its opening s begin to tinker with its characters, its setting and even its basic pr an effort to make sure the program has “something for everyone.” In no time al all, the show becomes a total mish-mosh that includes “nothing for anyone." It 7” you can remember the good old days when Archie Bunker still had a wife and a ughter and worked on a loading dock, or when Laverne and Shi employees living in Milwaukee, then you're already familiar with the w path that m be followed in this ridiculous le that studiously ch THE EVOLUTION tion comedy that’s lucky enough OFA TV SITUATION wow oem COMEDY ...... THE FIRST SE: ASON To the surprise of the network and the horror of many Viewers, “Idle Hours” makes a successful debut. It Is a nostalgle comedy about three high school chums (Nips Conrad and The Horse) growing up in Kokomo, Indiana in 1946. Their idle hours are spent working as Klutzy’ pin boys at a bowling alley which is owned by a retired clarinet player named Elsa. Also featured are the boy's gym teacher, Mr. Faunce, and Conrad's little sister Bufly Lu, Buify Lu is a typically American 14-year-old sexpot, whose smutty one-liners provide endless mirth. To avold critics’ charges that the show is too sugary. the network adds “social significance” by introducing The Horse's cousin, Mangler, as a new member of the cast. Mangler is a certified psychopath (but a funny one) who has eliosen to hide in Kokomo following his es- cape from a southern chain gang. The leading characters try to rehabilitate him Lo a life of unending dullness by convincing him that he should enroll as an appren- ce mortician at Kokomo’s funeral home, which is op- ated by another new series regular, Mr. Ferndipper a KASON The kid who played the role of The Horse quits the show to become a truly awful rock musician, The producers write him out of future scripts by saying he went to live in a leper colony. To take up the slack, Nipsy's little brother, Pooky, joins the cast as Elsa’s new boy friend, despite a. 35-year difference in their ages. An- ‘other element of hilarious romance is added as Mr, Fern- dipper take ut from his duties at the fune home to begin courting Conrad's mother, a sassy, wise- cracking widow who Lakes in laundry and drinks too much, Elsa, left without a partner at the poolroom following Emilio’s departure, is allowed to die of chalk dust in- halation. Pooky thus becomes a widower at 13, and is quietly dumped from the cast after giving the Korean orphan to Conrad's mother and Me. Ferndipper to This naturally leads Mr. Ferndipper into asking Conrad’s mother to marry him so the orphan won't think he's an illegitimate child, Their wedding is presented FOURTH SEASON After portraying the high school seniors for three years, Nipsy and Cor making it un- realistic for them to go on working as pin boys in a bowling alley, Therefore. Elsa trades her bowling alley for half interest in a sleazy poolroom operated by a hysterically funny Puerto Rican bigot named Emilio, This provides Nipsy and Conrad with a more adult han out. It also provides the producers with a great chance to star the boy's former high school gyn teacher, Mr. Faunce, in a new spinoff entitled, “The White Nebbish." rf oc dm ae 7 PIC 1 i THE EIGHTH SEASON eping a show alive that now his drunken wife and the war orphan, the producers decide to move the setting from Kokomo, Indiana to’ Hollywood, California, This Is logially explained by having Bufly Li get 2 movie screen test offer thal includes ‘ree lifetime lodging in California forall of her family and trends The new locale perms the ineoducton of two Wacky new series regulars, an unscrupulous talent agent named Marty and an untalented actor named Lance Surfshimmer FIFTH SEASON Following a fight in a tavern during the off-season, the actors playing Nipsy and Conrad both quit the show because neither will stoop to working with the other To distract from their absence, the producers arrange for Pooky and Elsa to marry and adopt a Korean war or phan, Buffy Lu finally makes it to high school at 18, and finds Mr. Ferndipper teaching Freshman Embalming. after turning over his funeral home to Mangler, Mean- lime, in a special Christmas Show, Emilio’s 14 young brothers and sisters arrive unexpectedly from Puerto Rico. Seeking to capitalize fully on the new Hollywood set Ung, the show begins to feature such weekly guest ce- lebrities as Annette Funicello and Conway Twitty. They blend in the shows format by appearing as performers on a smalll radio station that Mr. Femdipper has bought by borrowing on his life insurance. Meanwhile, Buty Lu and Lance Surfshimmer become co-stars of food chopper demonstrations at supermarket openings, while Mangler leaves the show to move into bachelor pad al the beach and launch a new spin-off entitled, “One's Company THE SIXTH SEASO The program's creative planners become convinced that involving a tipss midwestern whdow with & TOL of uncul children who don't speak English wil make Tor a sure- fire comedy. Therefore, the new season is launched by having Conrad’s mother opening a big rooming house for Emilio’s younger brothers and sisters. While this brait storm proves a total disaster, the network Is nev theless able (o reap millon from its mistake by hasing Emilio and his family leave the show to star in a new spin-off entitled, “Fourteen Puerto Ricans Is Enough! THE TENTH SEASO With the guest celebrity idea having fizzled, the net work tries starring Marty, Mr. Ferndipper and Conrad's mother in a new show about life in a small radio st tion entitled, *KWRP In Anaheim.” Buffy Lu and Lance Surfshimmer also depart to launch their own series about appliance demonstrators called, “One Supermarket Opening AU A Time.” This leaves no one on the orginal show except the Korean war orphan. When efforts fail lo Fecast him as'a 7-year-old truck driver with a pet ape, Idle Hours” quietly goes olf the air after 13 weeks. 25 ERR APPARENT DEPT, i Recently, we asked one of our idiot artists to do a drawing = of a School Prom. Unfortunately, he didn’t do a very good “s HOW MANY MISTAKES CAN eS a ) job. In fact, he made a lot of mistakes...20 in all. And now, it's up to you to find them. So c'mon! Let's see... YOU FIND IN THIS PICTURE? ANSWERS Aa $20,000 worth af orthadonta in this 5. The guy bragging about the number of gishe's gone to bed with staling the truth \ 47. The gir wearing the “0” cup bra cup bre ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES WRITER: CHRIS HART eee ‘ ae bed LEARNING A LIVING DEPT, Among the thousands of things that are known to annoy parents, one is the fact that universities often fail to turn out graduates who automatically act “grown up.” For some reason, Mom and Dad expect a 20-year-old who has been exposed to higher educa- tion to think, feel and behave like a 40-year-old, and they are very disappointed when the new graduate isn’t transformed into a carbon copy of themselves, Employers seem to share the view that anyone with a diploma should have a middle-aged person- ality to go with it. Apparently all members of the older generation would love to have colleges that ignore education and concentrate instead on preparing kids to go forth into the world with a more “mature” outlook. Well, MAD has discovered such an institution, and for the benefit of all concerned, here is its Official Catalogue: ce to cates at oot ae oy, whe ere" Ea COURSES innit: GEORGE GENERAL STUDENT INFORMATION |, |. REQUIREMENTS FOR ADMISSION Registration is open to all high school graduates who exhibit marked traits of imma- turity, and who recognize the need to become meek, dull plodders before settling down to adult life. Applicants must possess a 2.5 grade aver- age in high school courses completed at the ninth and tenth grade levels, or a 2.0 average in courses completed at the eleventh and twelfth grade levels, except that a 1.5 average is acceptable when advanced courses were taken first, but a 3.0 average is required when beginning courses were taken last. Any applicant who has re-read this sec- tion until he understands it is already a meek, dull plodder, and doesn’t need to enroll here. ll. GRANTS AND SCHOLARSHIPS As part of your adulthood training, you will learn that nobody gets a free ride in life, and that big institutions such as this one will take you for every nickel they can. So forget ag g Z fh. about grants and scholarships. Youre going to pay us plenty, Kid. IN, INDIVIDUAL TUTORING We don't spoon feed the underachievers around here. If you can’t get it the first time, you're out of luck. IV. OFF-CAMPUS ACTIVITIES ‘Student activities scheduled off the cam- pus shall consist of anything that the Admin- istration doesn’t know about, and that you've got the guts to try. As we keep telling you, grow up! V. HEALTH FEES Most doctors in this area charge about $30 for an office call, If you get sick and can’t afford it, don't come whi three-year-old. Toman [zeae a5 | sf al i Uperclassmen display mate waits of apathy an eae wating to revel thie private ves to saogping. tive while bureaverat. DEPARTMENT OF ADULTHOOD THEORY A-101—SURVEY OF RATIONALIZATION Mr. Copout Introduces the idealistic freshman to various adult techniques for blaming failure in life on others. Examines the role of lazy co-workers, dishonest friends, blood sucking in-laws and ungrateful chil- dren in creating personal shortcomings. The course also investigates bad luck and lousy flukes as blam- able reasons for getting messed up. A-119-INTRODUCTION TO CONFORMITY Mr. Smith Teaches the emerging adult to put aside childish individuality and join the herd in adopting a more meaningless life style. Special attention will be paid to group development of unfavorable aiti- tudes toward long haired teenagers, Cuban refu- ‘gees, Suzanne Somers and crab grass. B-211—NOSTALGIA TECHNIQUES Miss Funicello This required course prepares the student for a productive life of claiming that nothing is as good as it used to be. Misty eyed guest lecturers will speak eloquently about the 1965 Corvair, the 1972 Nixon landslide, the 1974 oil embargo and the 1978 Toronto Blue Jays. C-311—PRINCIPLES OF DISILLUSIONMENT Mr. Stallone Open to students who have completed “Notalgia Techniques.” This advanced study looks ahead to middle age when today's young adult must cope with the realization that he is never going to own his own shoe store, or cruise around the world, or have a love life like John Travolta’s or be served a steak that looks like the picture on the menu. ¢-338-CRACKPOT POLITICS Dr. Redgrave Required of all fuzzy thinkers who are on probation for espousing such childish causes as saving the whales and promoting solar energy. This course is taught by a disbarred chiropractor now running for govetnor on the American Eagle ticket, who ex- plains his mature logic in denouncing fluoridated water, city-owned fire departments and Japanese automobiles D-404—CREATING A “G"-RATED WORLD Mr. Disney This seminar enables upperclassmen to formulate atotally bland, biased adult philosophy of life. Com positions will be read and applauded that point up theevils of nudity, profanity, John Travolta and new flavors of ice cream. Students will draw on conform- ity and nostalgia methods learned in earlier courses, to agree that things are worse now than formerly. Photograph of Annual Campus Prom, where cur entice student ody prepares fora ietine of dislusionment by being unable to get a date to atten CAREER PREPARATION STUDIES A-103-LEARNING THE IMPORTANCE. OF MONEY Mr, Porsche This course features guest lectures by repentant nurses, teachers and liberal arts grads who warn new students of the horrors of preparing for a low paying career. Later class sessions will be devoted to pep talks by the instructor on the financial joys of selling tract development houses or unregis- tered commodity options. B-201—JOB INTERVIEW TECHNIQUES Mr. Bullshine Offers practical guidance to the inexperienced youth who would narmally blow job prospects by admitting that he is inexperienced. Students will engage in practice sessions where they learn to lie their way into high paying jobs for which they are totally unqualified. This course also stresses mastery of the firm handshake and sincere smile. Arash course on Productivity Slowdowns” takes narmally exuberant young people and teaches them far more mature way of behaving while on the ot B-209—CAREER ADVANCEMENT Mr.Goldbrick A vital course for the student who wishes to move up the ladder quickly after obtaining employment through deceitful job interview techniques. Lec- tures deal with methodology for tattling on co- workers, conning secretaries into covering for you, general brown nosing and outright blackmailing. C-316-OFFICE GOSSIP Miss Cleavage Required of all students who mistakenly think they are prepared for a career just because they have completed training in their chosen field. This course teaches the more important skill of on-the-job ru- mor spreading. Lab sessions feature simulated gos- sip about well stacked brunettes, drunken office managers and pregnant file clerks. C-347—PRINCIPLES OF PRODUCTION SLOWDOWN Mr. Sloth Designed for those entering the adult world who still don’t understand the importance of appearing overworked in even the simplest job. Teaches ap- proved methods for arranging papers in no parti ular order, cleaning typewriters that aren't dirty and using company time to prepare demands for more fringe benefits. D-406—-INTRODUCTION TO BANKRUPTCY ‘Mr. Chrysler A thorough guide to coping with the financial calam- ity that is bound to result from the use of normally slipshod adult business techniques. Lectures deal with such practical administrative problems as where to hide from creditors and how to maintain a comfortable life style after all the money is gone. pe HOME AND FAMILY MANAGEMENT ‘A-120-PREPARATION FOR MARRIAGE Mrs. Landers This required course deals with a broad range of pre-marital considerations including the selection of a rich mate with good social connections, insis- tence on maintaining a free lifestyle after marriage, and the advantage of picking a divorcee who al- ready has her own furniture and dishes ‘A-121—PREPARATION FOR PARENTHOOD Mr. Gerber Offers guidance to students on the postponement of having children until they can afford the cost of day care centers and baby sitters to raise them properly. Lectures stress an adult approach to parenthood by viewing the newborn infant as a lux- ury item that has little value as a tax write-off B-213-INTRODUCTION TO STATUS SYMBOLS Mr. Gucci Required of all students who anticipate the future misfortune of living in an upper middle class sub- urb. Class members are counseled to end childish extravagance and start saving for such adult status symbol items as a used Volvo station wagon, golf lessons, a subscription to Consumer Reports and one-fftieth interest in a Waikiki condominum C-309-TAX CHEATING Mr. Veseo Utilizing unique teaching methods, Mr. Vesco in- structs students to keep repeating, “The govern- ment would just waste my money anyway,” until they become convinced of their moral right to com- mit tax fraud. Later lectures deal with such profit- able ideas as listing your bartender as a medical practitioner and deducting yearly depreciation on your dog. C-322—-HOUSEHOLD BUDGET MANAGEMENT Mrs. Houdini ‘A basic how-to-do-it course for students who soon expect to face $2,000 in monthly household ex- penses on a salary of $900 a month. Emphasis on creative credit carding, loan payment skipping and flagrant check kiting will familiarize the beginner with popular adult techniques for fighting inflation D-411-SEMINAR IN PARENTAL INFALLIBILITY Mr. Bigdaddy Required of all seniors who still follow such adoles- cent practices as accepting their share of the blame for personal mistakes. Lab sessions simulate home environment in which students practice parental methods of always being right. Course emphasizes refusal to listen to reason and the citing of facts that are off the point: ‘A: Preparation For Parenthood clas practices streaming ata small chil (Small eidren to scream at may be rented cheap from Campus Book Store a SOCIAL ACTIVITIES TRAINING ‘A-107—ADULT RECREATIONAL TECHNIQUES: Miss Mundane A survey course that enables the recent high school graduate to begin dropping his childish games in favor of more accepted adult recreational activities, including early morning golf ball chasing, rainy weather jogging, Wednesday afternoon bridge and emotional involvement with soap operas. ‘A-138—-INTRODUCTION TO SOCIAL DRINKING Mr. Smirnoff Designed to help the new student, who has done most of his teen-age drinking in parked cars, learn the subtleties of ice cube clinking, cocktail guzzling and indoor barfing. Foolish behavior at parties and slurred public speaking will also be discussed in seminars conducted by experienced lushes. B-244—INDEPENDENT STUDY IN ADVANCED DRINKING Mr. Rotgut An in-depth program of alcoholic research for the student who wishes to go beyond mere social drink- ing in adult life. Upperclassmen may earn college credit by spending entire summer vacations on Skid Row mastering the skill of restful gutter slumber, successful panhandling and delirium development, B-252—PREPARATION FOR CLUB JOINING Mr. Oddfellow A valuable course for the emerging adolescent who has never belonged to anything more significant than the Girl Scouts or Little League. Lectures deal with development of snobbishness and intolerence to qualify for membership in respected adult clubs. Learning sacred lodge handshakes will also be em: phasized. C-355—-PATHOLOGICAL GAMBLING Nick the Teach Important instruction for the naive youngster who hasn't the vaguest idea how to fritter away the sal- aty he will soon earn by betting on lame horses, standing pat on three deuces or financing his dice activities through loan sharks. ($100 lab fee for this course will help finance the instructor's annual field trip to Las Vegas.) | Br D-410—PRINCIPLES OF PHYSICAL DETERIORATION Mr. Leadbelly Aimed at ambitious students who wish to acquire the paunch and chronic disabilities of middle age before reaching 30. Strosses the importance of aug- menting deskbound work with an inactive recrea- tional program of evening naps and week-end TV viewing. Homework features heavy smoking and overeating to bring on middle age lung and circula~ toty problems. ‘By Graddation Day, each departing Senor is thoroughly prepared to step inde the marvelous ‘alt worl, an win immediate 2eceptance as an equal IN THE SOVIET UNION. Wee Willie Winkie There’ scarcely an American kid who wast brought won) Wee Willie Winkie ‘Mother Goose.” Now, MAD has found out that these rhymes. Conquers where he can; are a favorite with kids in other countries, too! But the Puts the screws to Poland; difference is tha, somehow, the verses lose something in ‘Takes Afghanistan, ‘he translation, To show what we mean, take a “gander” at GOOSE anes AROUND oe ees Tinlle WORLD ARTIST PAUL COKER WRITER: FRANK JACOBS Wee Willie Winkie Loves to cause unrest; ‘Then, when war is starting, Blames (who else?) the West. IN MEXICO... Old Mother Hubbard : . Went to the cupboard ‘i = To feed her poor doggie some buns; There was an old woman who lived in a shoe She then filled his eup With Boris, ten kids and a pet kangaroo; With some water-poor pup! She said, "Though it’s cramped and from feet it is smelling, He's been sick for a week with the runs, "In Moscow, it’s known as a luxury dwelling.” 35 IN FRANCE... IN JAPAN Mary Had a Small Cafe Sing a Song of Sonys Mary hada smal! cafe; ay Sing a song of Sonys~ Auder onc gia cmtegroad A pocketful of yen; 5 Magnavox and Zenith She charged a modest price. Teereed gli See the U.S. suffer From the job we do; This is how we get revenge For losing World War IL IN COLOMBIA. Peter, Peter Mary's prices now are high; How come? Well, here's the reason- Today officially begins A brand-new tourist season. ae As I Was Going to St. Ives ee Peter, Peter, coffee grower, 4 Found his business getting slower, Ee Looked to make a greater gain, ‘Now makes a bundle from cocaine. Peter, Peter, big supplier, Sees his profits rising higher; “Drugs are where it’s at,” he says; For coffee, go see Juan Valdez.” As Iwas going to St. Ives, Imet a man with seven wives; Of course, the seven wives weren't his, But here in France, that’s how itis. IN CENTRAL AMERICA... Taffy Was a Strongman Taffy was a strongman; Taffy used his clout; Taffy led an armed revolt and drove his rival out; ‘Taffy bled the country; Taffy made a haul; Tafiy lasted 14 days, which isn't bad at all IN ITALY Little Miss Muffet Little Miss Muffet Got up from her tuffet OS And made a big pot of linguini, With baked canelloni And sliced provolone, sagna and veal scallopini. Little Miss Muffet Now plops on her tuffet, Digesting the food that went in her; She burped, then confided, "Tm glad I decided "To have a small snack before dinner.” IN SAUDI ARABIA... Humpty Dumpty Humpty Dumpty drilled a new well; Humpty Dumpty leased it to Shell; He's now worth a billion, this fortunate gent, And entertains friends in his 20-room tent. Humpty Dumpty lives like a kin, Humpty Dumpty knows a good thing; ‘And that’s why each day he is thanking his stars For people still driving those gas-guzzling cars. IN THE MIDDLE EAST... Solomon Grundy Solomon Grundy Arrived here on Monday, Ducked bullets on Tuesday, Took cover on Wednesday, Was blasted on Thursday, Assaulted on Friday, Bombarded on Saturday, Ambushed on Sunday; So much for the peacekeeping mission of Solomon Grundy. OFF THE WALL DEPT. If you want to find out what life is like in a typical High School, it's not necessary to talk to th YOUR CARI ERVICE OFF) EER COUNSELING ERS PART TIME JOB: leeded to pick eek-end on Tearoy ‘our day. Payment: The Balkan Affairs Club Sponsors The MISS SERBIAN-AMERICAN CONTEST FEATURING Accordion Competition & Bib Overall Modeling Thunspay Nice sTUbenr carerena 125 ADMISSION CHARGE inclioee Tue & coat CHEESE Tattooed me otor— ng. Groupies x anyones eas So To Provide Blood Plasma ett Mook-al ies) TENTION TEACHES SUP PIO EAR inte, Locker NUMBER 1637 oR] (A11 Pro, F For ceeds Wil’ ‘irst Aid Care an The Farrah Faw YOu WILL NEVER SEE ME AUVE AGAINeSE Gus Yeny reucy, AMONYOUS students or the teachers. Simply make your way to the place where it all hangs out. Mainly the | LOST. LEVEE Tal BETWE: SCIENCE LAG, TO FINDER, OB HIS NEXT OF -teny-+ CHUCK W. RooM 216 ALL SCHOOL DISCUSSION MEETIN' Wednesday, 4:30 P.M. Auditorium THIS WEEK!S TOPIC: CASTING OFF THE CHAINS OF oP- PRESSION CLAMPED ON US BY THE . SST RUNNING DOGS OF THE MENBEONOMICS DEPT. FACULTY BOE + COCOA ¢ ADMISSION GINGER SNAPS EVERYBODY WILL = WELCOME SERVE IOVIE C, 3 ocr. 23- Wales, Land of gterna) Soot” © g- *Pisturesque Detroit» TOaPR. 23o Whither Honduras?" SEASON TICKETS 99¢ Meet Offical Representatives Ogp THE UNIVERSITY OF PALM SPRINGS NEXT Tuesday AT 1:00 P.M. Free puance and illustrated brochures fr alla terested Saniors, which deserib our enrollment pro. cedures and our new payment plan tat leads to BACHELOR OF ARTS DEGREE ($500) MASTER OF ARTS DEGREE ($800) ‘DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY DEGREE ($1,200) Students bringing cash or a certifiad check tothe imesting vill quay for immediate delvery oftheir handsomely engraved college depee. ving L (Swit) Basoe, Dean of Admissions ree, 1S OTS LIRA Compe Seniors Say GNatL Seaton PS hours of ONIONS oa bleh en! Biden null gronice Dae Grepe Hohe Mort ely ae crs aM ne core eecee ees EDITION OF THE 1979 YEARBOOK Contains Every Picture and Article Deleted From the Regular Edition on Orders From the Faculty, Including: *** CANDID PHOTOS {rpeSMRID Toros ce - YOU-KNOW-WHO SHOWN IN Seperate oe * SEX EDUCATION ‘CLUB'S nat Seeman Plies oe ssgoaescf Tie tare ate res seeNGuliue 1. Room 211 FOR REPEAT'S SAKE! DEPT, UMPIRES CHECK OF WEATHER DURING RAIN DELAY. EXCITED CONTESTANT’S LEAP ON ‘"THE PRICE 1S RIGHT” rr ae SPEARING PENALTY INCURRED AT STANLEY CUP PLAYOFF DESIGNATED HITTER WAITING IN ON-DECK cmRELE NELL AND VOID DEPT, Over the years, there have been lots of TV sitcoms about wise-cracking domestics. And there have been even more about widowed fathers trying to bring up sarcastic kids. So when NBC needed a new sitcom, did they come up with a fresh idea? Nahh! They merely took those two worn and tired premises, and turned them into one worn and tired weekly TV series. And after watching it a few times, all we can say is: fre there any] ry When it comes to actual raisins in a ‘salary, this family pays this house? : 4] me tie minimum wage! But r } ‘when it comes to hokey No, but this r——=" | Don't be dumbiwWe || “setups” to "put-downs,” house's ful | L224 | et ENOUGH CORN | | Man’ t'm on triple time ONLY pair THAT size! ‘of NUTSIt BUNS LE} around here around the clock here! ee eSB a 2 rains soe etad i | . 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[fesvtnel ‘Now, that's a ‘stupid! | look ike havemine | | Sherlock dry-cleanedt || Holmes! fF | "r SMe a IF Can't we be Serious for ‘minutes! ‘don't ike ‘Okay, we've Beat it! | always get ripped on "ve been thinking! | [Don’t fool your: | i = Hostead of foot i} set-chudt it |) thank y LOOK easy, ||| God tor hed our ball player or 3 VULGAR THI —Yourre intuext im sel. ] | That | quota’! | | ing Rip-off insurance"? | |sounds Sorry, Lady! | | now...what | || ‘for a one-time premium | | great! ket an EASY job. Hey, (thought | [do you want2| | "Sfsuuormerer ros Sime | ike a tunnel guardt || "takes only the Chief = get ripped off, we pay of Police had LI I'm selling ‘you an instant one-time poli 2 poirot 368] insurancel! (F) Cash payment ot $2501 | | cles! ie s Ee ere 7 ; ow } Haren ewe) [ Tosend of geting Wenger ec Aeipede |) [epegieecs Teese ‘and my STOVE | | But then, that | belt get married ‘and settle down! | ‘stopped working! I'm not getting any GAS! atime: Uady are Preposterous stretch to et in another of our ‘wigar double entendres! ofa Poyehict? || siktH SENSE! ro We want toconjure 3 — | [Were conjuring did you know?!? We didn’t eall || to places where you or anybody! | | tings are dying! r a Dentist, maybet'l |2 but being a tun cally attracted no longer with us! re ‘up Someone from :h STU. Soi” re ee Every day Imaking me hard of | nearing! | ‘And when you | get divorced, you'll have to “settle up"! pester oe SOME IT [ oy whats go Of Somenne ore heer clseale| [npantnbeet_[] moe." [Seu ra you || Whats oun ithe came tothe|| right place!| | Buttinsk!|| charges! Ne at you're noteven | "Dean Wire. Buttinsk ive Heard of “Reach Out nd Touch, ‘Someone but this rome. REALLY Spirit!_| |REACHINGH | [aE MN Peat] Waren person-to [person so Pwe don't ‘get the it you can ‘And if you CAN'T hear | Us. tap FOUR times!! Listen to this, @ black Albert Einstein! Of course I'm not dead, Lardo... but my CAREER ial "ve had more TV shows of my own die under me than Burt Reynolds has hair pieces! ind when was the last time you saw me on the Carson show. or ‘Love Boat," or anywhere? ‘These days . the best my Agent can do's. bbaok me into yo-yo SEANCES like this one!! Please! every LIVING person out therein tele at beginning to = she's ‘materialize! rough. here she is What happened? Everyone used to LOVE the ven will you [ seRiousty? | SEEMS | Tike it We're the only halt hour show that's 1 | | twe ours tong! | Willyou look at > this collect Gta Soave tion 1c bonus round Trshoulg! Look... think of me as "The Ghost of TV Past” with a warning! Do you really think that substituting an overstuffed soul food Mama for ME is, JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS Despite the fact that prayer in our Public Schools has been declared unconstitutional, the Reagan Administration has decided that , it belongs there. To see how they've forced i i it back in, fold in page as shown at right. FLO PAGE OVER LIKE THIS! AY FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT {BB FOLD BACK SO"R” MEETS “B” BY MAKING SCHOOL PRAYER AN ISSUE, POLITICOS CAUSE TROUBLE. STUDENTS Janrist & writen PRACTICE MANY BELIEFS. IT IS ILLEGAL TO USE TAX MONEY FOR acusrrce FINANCIAL SUPPORT OF RELIGION. PROFESSIONAL LOBBYISTS ARE PAID FOR COLLECTING VOTES SO CONGRESS CAN EFFECT THE LAW'S CHANGE AY .B