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Ga 1125 0 5. np Ea. 005 485 MADison Avenue | New York, N.Y. 10022 "8 enclose $9.75* Please send a Sx wove one ern 10 Issue GIFT SUBSCRIPTION TO: NAME, ADDRESS. — crry. zip. STATE. ZIP. ‘AND SEND A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT BLAMING 485MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 | enclose $9.75* Please send a 10 Issue GIFT SUBSCRIPTION TO: NAME ADDRESS, crry. STATE. AND SEND A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT BLAMING NUMBER 244 JANUARY 1984 VITAL FEATURES “WARPED GAMES” “We all know how to shut our mouths... but few of us know wher (AMAD —Allfred E. Neuman Movie WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN edivor Pad LEONARD BRENNER art director TOM NOZKOWSKI production NICK MEGLIN senior editor JOHN FICARRA associate editor GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, M. C. GAINES subscriptions JACK ALBERT lawsuits ANNE GRIFFITHS logistics CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS ‘ABSURD-OF-MOUTH DEPARTMENT ‘AMAD History Of Communication. : 36 AIRING THEIR DOTTY LINEN DEPARTMENT Bedsheet Signs Well Never See On TV 8 BETIT LIKE IT IS DEPARTMENT MADS All-Inclusive Monday Night Football Poo! 24 BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT Mars The Lighter Side Of. 14 MONDAY BS.AT. DEPARTMENT NIGHT Will You Make A Good Teacher? (A MAD Aptitude Test) ........ 41 FOOTBALL DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT POOL ‘One Morning In The Dungeon Room 13 Foe One Afternoon in The School Room. 23 One Evening In The Living Room. i 4a 1DISMEMBER MAMA DEPARTMENT "Psycho, Too” (A MAD Movie Satire) 44 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT 'SPYVE. SPY eo seevevnse 19 “ASININE LETTERS DEPARTMENT TOENES Random Samplings Of Reader Mail . 2 ce pie MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Satire) “Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones. Pg. 29 MISSILE COMMAND—BEZERK—KABOOM! DEPARTMENT “Warped Games’ (Another MAD Movie Satire) 4 PAST-ASIDES DEPARTMENT Famous Quotations. ‘And How The People Back Then Reacted To Them 26 RE.WEDDED BLITZ DEPARTMENT A “ou Know Youre n A Second Marriage When 2 MAD SCHLOCK WATCHING DEPARTMENT. isToRY “Asinine To Five” (A MAD TV Show Satire) 29 COMMUNICATION ‘THE RHYMES THEY ARE A-CHANGING DEPARTMENT Pg. 36 MADS All-Inclusive Do-It-Yourself Jingle Bells” 34 THREE ARE A MATCH DEPARTMENT MAD's Multiple Choice TV Soene Test. 2 VIRILITEASE DEPARTMENT Machols ose aos. 10 "Various Places Around The Magazine “PSYCHO, Sib ieee san ees coe oe te ee aman IG 'saues $1.25. entee omen Lopyngn Ted by EC: Publentont Ine Allow W0 weeks fo) Movie Rete etter mecere res ay Reente Naw York” 082. Toe Pusaner and Eder wi ot be tospanske for onsale Pg. 44 and raquent ali mansacipts ou accompanies ty stamped sa = ‘rtp Tne rare f chara sed MAD Tein'and lea ehos ae hchicee amen) {Tinou sane purpose tang posenss onsets Winnednuse LETTERS DEPT. MAD ESP. MANIA Asa fthful ceader of MAD for many ears, have finally experienced 2 MAD ESP encounter of the tied kind. In MAD #241, "Merchandising We're Almost Sure ToSee And Hate,” you hadSear Wars mouth seas with Darth Vader on the botle After reading this I wear tthe store and disco. ered your idea wasn't as farfetched aie Seemed. Thete were (n0 lies, guys) actuil iieieboelesot Sar Wars cologne and bubble bh on the shelves with Darth Vier on the labels Tell the tuth, do you guys get "leaks from big corporations about upcoming oductsor do you actually havea pyehic pay Debbie Maples San Antonio, TX Well, yet another MAD prophecy has come tue in MAD #226 you introdoced Bla, Barty Ballpark Beet” which was 90% tap water. Wel some namnodsin Ohio have ‘omeup with bee tha has afin ounce of Scoble be The ony problem is 0 get coe apy ngs toshow you dat I'm notte only Moe ho reads MAD! Heather Hubbell Neal. NY Recent while thumbing through am sive Leen on ate seltee ons seat ind immediacy raed tm "AIAD's Upaned Prarie Joke Case” (MAD, Pali rienyoamoriree peat dhe long wits vse Conlon ‘guys! Another MAD ESP! Tom Courant Fort Ann, NY “Good Teste Is Timeless” SLY NONSENSE One of my fren sid chat on the cone of your Silly Nonsense special there was 3 Picture of Ronald Reagan, Wel there wer {nee piceres on the covee. Which one was Reagan? = ‘Andrew Marino Lite Falls, NP RE-HASH OF THE JED! Loved yous spoofRe Hash OF The Jeti” The sdeg ner urements he acting in he movie! Josh Doria GaEAD Brings.cO Concerning your "Re Hash Of The Jeti may the bart Bag be with you CA. Rosenberg Denves, CO I gottagiveyou aHan, You guys R2mu Yoda best magazine around! Jabba lot of fun ding i? MAD isthe Obi Wan for me Peter Emilie Oreawa, CANADA You make us Luke good! —Ed, Asperyour quest, enclosed please finda posed pacture of te reading yout "Re Hash Bete jer satire also enclosed isa pture ‘of my ideation to yout magazine which ‘Mark Hamill—Pored THE *A* TEAM After writing all chose miserable things about MrT and “The A Team,” I hope you guys were smart enough to get out of town! ? Bn Randy Dotings Chula Vista, CA Sian Hare degen a purple heart fo having to watch "The A Team” in order to write the sire. He described this “asinine” Show toa" Michacl H. Tavares E.Taunton, MA che fool magazin tha makes fin of Sia The A team Me Richard Fried Beookiya, NY ‘YOU'RE NEVER REALLY 100% SURE... whether the letter you sent to MAD is ver delivered by the Post Offce..if seve actully tead_ by anyone on the MAD staff ‘ot whether MAD will show the good taste and judgement in publishing ie on the levers page’ David Giarrusso Liverpool, NY SHARK SKINNED I have been waiting for a sire of "Jews SD." When aml going tose 2 BRO Niliss Boylan Albany, NY Never! We're satrists, not bomb experts!— ts read your "Ret hh pati Rabegpotelnieriedge jenjen Hastie USA OF The Jeri" and I has thre n clo and Ham Yobo, Come After secing the cover of MAL I finally know wha the initial "E" stand forint Alfred's name Alfred "Ewok” Neuman ‘The truth is ou Thomas, (for Jedi) LaGravinese Pelham. NY Also: Mike A, Newport MN; Connie Love, Dearborn Heights, Ml; Mike Graham, Lub: back TX Tm sure you'd never be dumb ough to Mack Hamil New Yorke NY ‘Mork Homill—Aghast ALFRED LIVES! «bbe interested in seeing a E. Neuman 1 hough seal ve Ales ‘Another Alfred Look-Ali (His Mother Loves Him) Tiease Address All Corespondence fo MAD, Dept. 244, 485 MADison Avenue ‘New York, New York 10022 WE'VE COME UP WITH ANOTHER - = ECCH 2h FOR YOUR ECCH-IMNAS GIFT LIST! GIVE ANY OR ALL ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-ONE MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS FOR CHRISTMAS! (THEY'RE AN ECCH-CEPTIONAL VALUE!) use coupon or duplicate PLEASE SEND THE MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS I HAVE CHECKED BELOW TO: tan NAME 485 MADison Ave., || aooness New York, N.Y. 10022 ea STATE ziP cove AND SEND A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT ALONG WITH THEM BLAMING: (The MAD Tell It Like It Is Book Hotes on MAD ‘5 DON MARTIN Steps further Out Cl ALJAFFEES MAD Book of Magic —C-MAD Book a Mystere 186 extra, (Minimum Order: $5.85) ‘or Money Order Preferred! Attention, visitors! Here at "NO-RED,” our nation plans its nuclear strategy and tracks Soviet missile ‘activity! In snort. the varyexstence ofthe Free ‘Wer in the hands of Sir the’ Russians have’ deployed Sir...ten more Soviet atomic sub marines with launchers Eas aa Itold yous st WOW! What a SCORE! ‘What are the chances of anybody getting a score lke that, Mavin? Ty Hey, listen, Juniper! My parents areaway today Okay, what do you want the computer We call this | eWoRPER" It MISSILE COMMAND—BEZERK—KABOOM! DEPT. one "WIPPER"! ata [ ] Tanumde || ete we're | Tarte chones It stands for “WHOOPIE”! like! Hey, far behind those of some computer Worn | meeons | | Somamrsear | | oprtaremine Pe Andwhat | | naveSome | | Sictartncesy | | outide connecting [| Ses ee ae : eee ||| ieee | by meee) | eecresces wm meee Emergency WHOOPIE ‘once in a and possibly start Nobel Prize ‘About one in a billion, Look? | dialed First, Id ike into the High ngs ‘Ane you're gutta torip off your School Computer c " ‘lever... for an ail friend's inanimate object! | 3 clothes and take Now her back to 1980! War" What alot = would you like to || more “animate” = ‘oirst,Josher? [than YOU are! HGH SCHOOL, KEY woRD ga MEDIEVA PLUMB! General the enemy lust founched 2 missle strike sens ~ ae Dey tains to wine ‘Oh, my Godt How ‘awful! get sick just thinking about it Cheer up, ‘ir, You can always ‘Sitch your furlough to ‘Atlantic ity! Oh, sure Blackjack ‘raybe!! SCRAMBLE ALL OUR BOMBERS! LAUNCH MISSILES! fond is pla computer Hold it, General! That was no enemy attack! Someone an | | okay the outside plug. ged into Wopper TF Yeah... >) No... but you Vegas is {| shouid see it Bll those dull ‘steel mil and not a de ‘cent cocktall but you should see Pittsburen! They=they 1 NUKED it?! Mavin Lightfinger? FBI You're under arte suspicion of operating 2 computer for # world power that ill stop at nothing to get what it wants think Soviet agent?! think youre Sir... we picked up the CIA agent who was fooling around with our computer system! Boy, those CIA uy’ infiltrate EVERYTHING! Hola your tongue, fellaht happen tobe with the cla! Hey. no. kidaing?! So am I! You think we should Tet our buddy go free... Listen, rm not an agent for ANYBODY! Gee, all did was, accidentally get involved with a computer that's programmed to de- ‘troy the world! Kid, you're obviously 2 Commie spy! But how could anyone lock into the world's most secured and tamper-proofed computer System?! You're aa brillant Nobel Prize Scientist, right?? Actually, 'm a Senior at Malibu High School, study. ing Advanced Be and Intermediate Look, MeKiatricks the Commie agent is escaping with that TOUR GROUP! Weren't you supposed to punish him for that terrib thing he did to us? General hhow would "YOU like to travel 2,000 miles in a bus with 59 Shrine shpritzing flower sand 38 whoopie cushions?! When it comes to FIENDISH TORTURE, 47 || youcia. sguys.can't De bea What's going on, Navin? LI But ..1 thought The ClA~the whole coun- try=Is looking tor youl! [l Falcon was deed! [Excuse me, Sit Are you lwing with a change of identity...? “Juniper, we've got ie fing Falcon, the man whe originally programmed Josher! it'sour only ehance to save the world! | No, he's some complete change ofidentity!l” | [How did you] | Oh... just a know that? | | lucky guess! UN X What's the Hmm! There are Two || | OTHER THINGS about Josh: | | thing that erthat l'lnever | | you'linev forget! One is: he | | er forget? respects anyone no: | =—— is'superior to him! 1 forgot Mavin, get on that your SUPERIORITY ‘over Josher! ‘computer, and prove We'te at DEFCON 5! Ten seconds to go! The IOMM’s are in the bullpen, ready Damn it... 1 wish [could remember that OTHER thing ‘about him to fly! Counting B76 5 What did you 00, for Gee's ] [ on. ray Goat Now I remember that OTHER thing HE'S A SORE LOSER! " \. ays Look at it this way, id! The ehances 5 anybody WINNING a ‘ame of TieTae Toe ver somebody with half a brain is over a BILLION to ONE! AIRING THEIR DOTTY LINEN DEPT, BFOSHEET SIGNS WE'LL oman | ONT THs GAME: Show th mj Is sign on TV Twis me — = and win payola from Bern eae ba THE pro LI MID CITY Four Guys From FoorpALt Each team has 3 time-outs left! that means 13 more commercials eS GUESS WHY THEY WONT LET #96 SHOWER WITH exci WHILE YOURE engoyill « THis CRAP, ANOTHER said weasel $ | HUNG could be DEAD. THE OER GUYS! NEVER SEE ON pe = — oO ‘= BRETER. Shin is the Se290NS, ee Ee this is GAME. ; P Ao | ior reneviseD oP MEAS me ae really 2" IS APPEARING © eins _ i ae | ATTHIS VERY MINUTE 8 “ Eee io ; = | ge LUCK 2 : , yOuk| | YouRe Luc! satiety Wit ALL Tas RacxeT ON p e! eens. BTV, a puccuae cout 6F IB YouRe nor HER' er tt THEY KEEP RANSACKING YOUR THE BEER COSTs 4, wy aweto Tv ‘ IS THE Propucees 4259 A CUP! pon't Yo ay? NIECE! x s cEt up EN Fe Oe IE WR cosets UY x Eye Visit Mona's Massage Redes 5 iy = Pator | < armel Ml custay. fat DANDY DON 1S THE gee Ke Plyers in person COLLIE FATHER of MY CHIL — BREEDING nat a o8 Beet KENNELS ers 21468 ye SHOWS SHO} you SOME ZB AD TELL ING. Nd ae, td Aim te A ‘ever crying out when the hot cheese on pizza burns you so badly that loose skin hangs from the roof of your mouth for a week saving your most vicious Halloween prank for the guy in the neighborhood who's a cop, VIRILITEASE DEPT, For centuries, “macho” behavior was a device used by Latin men to flaunt their alleged superiority over women. Later, it was picked up by American men to flaunt their imagined superiority ‘over other men as well as women. Now, some men have expanded .-buying unshelled walnuts so you can show off {for gitls by holding them against your forehead while you crack them open with your bare fists. = | we signing documents without bothering to read letting everyone know you've left your seat belt unfasten- 40 them first-at a Marine Corps Recruiting Office. ed when they announce that you'll be flying through turbulence. — hanging around a hotel where there's a convention of Women’s diving righ the pool without testing Lib Activists for the avowed purpose of “...picking up broads.” ture with your big toe first it to prove their masculinity to themselves as well as to other men and women. As o result, being “macho” doesn’t necessarily make « guy look superior ony more. Often, it just makes him look ridiculous. To give you an idea, here are examples to show what happily going to jail for a felony crime you \ commit, just to impress your friends who come never do anything worse than minor misdemeanors. ¥ } )s (Ma Cae 7 Va — ‘consuming 23 gallons of Tabasco.a year taking your lunch along to the theater so you can make a point of, and not one single ounce of mayonnaise. eating it with gusto while you watch “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.” ., screwing the lid back on a peanut so tightly, attracting lots of attention in the High School no one else can get it off without using a plumber's wrench, Cafeteria by peeling an apple with an Army bayonet ZN NE AT Imp ukete\ 2 oy eee KO os ke, WA pas?! . 3 i Mili 1 ged ‘requesting only one present for your twelfth demonstrating in favor of more nuclear reactors, on the birthday-a gift certificate to a tattoo parlor. grounds that only sissies are afraid of getting radioactive. < — --.threatening to break the kmee-caps of the Wearing a leather jacket in Summer to prove you ‘guy who got your Sister pregnant—even though an stand the heat... and then stripping down toa 42 the rat's been married to her for three years. Tshirt in Winter to prove you can stand the cold. ONE MORNING IN YECCH! How GROSS. BERG’S-EVE VIEW DEPT, Tile Wi@FTE DIVORCE {wen 7 e «CI | OCCASION, Ihave tobe ce IVORCES PROPERLY DRESSED! — -y POLICEMEN ct 7 rT] WORSE than THATH fve mean telme | — (GOT them. RIGHT HERE! ctassicat | | “sev eu one \ nota : _ Saal Let see LIKE Mh first ‘But theres absolutely [NOTHING LOWER!" fea th, By Andinstead, him a BIG fa St Ir { Because YOURE the 80S: & JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. ‘THREE ARE A MATCH DEPT, SO YOU THINK THERE’S A BORING “SAMENESS” ABOUT TELEVISION? MAD'S MULTIPLE CH A. An exciting chase on “The Dukes of Hazzard” ‘A. “Magnum, PI.” good luck hat B.A daring escape on “T.J. Hooker” ill Street Blues” Swat Team hat CA failed attempt on “That's Incredible” r. Goodwrench” special care hat A Host on British mini-series ‘A. Reentry of space shuttle from 28 miles out B. Captain’s table “extra” on “Love Boat” B. Fly ball to center at Dodger Stadium night game. 20 C. Losing nominee at “Academy Awards” C. Shut off fade-out on old black & white TV set. WELL, LET'S SEE HOW RIGHT YOU ARE! TRY TAKING... A. Wrong film clip on “The Six O'Clock News” A. Bit part on “Quincy” B. Failure of teleprompter on “Speak Your Mind” B. Important part on “St. Elsewhere” C. Last minute replacement Rabbi on “Sermonette” . Guest star's part on “Trapper John” A. Saturday morning “Kiddie Cartoon” feature A. Gary Coleman on “The Merv Griffin Show” B. Sunday morning “Educational Cartoon” segment B. Herve Villechaize on “The Johnny Carson Show” C Monday morning “Pest Control” commercial C. Paul Williams on “The Paul Williams Show” ‘A. Two minutes to go on “Good Morning America” ‘A. The wounded arrive on a “M*A*S*H” rerun B. Time left to play in “Super Bow! ’84” B. The gang on “The ‘A’ Team” escape a trap C. Price for LP. or Tape of “Guy Lombardo’s Hits” C. The President leaves for Camp David j A. Relief for hay fever sufferers A. Closeup of Tom Selleck B. Relief for hemorrhoid sufferers B, Closeup of Burt Reynolds . Relief for rainy spell over the Ohio valley C. Close-up of G. Gordon Liddy Cpl ‘A. Bad news from someone on “All My Children” A. Contestant on “Game Show” faints after winning B. Good news from someone on “General Hospital” B. Emcee on “Celebrity Roast” pratfalls after bombing C. $34 pledge from The Boys at the Shamrock Bar for C. Politician at “Press Conference” leaves after first, 22 “The Jerry Lewis Telethon!” embarrassing question DON MARTIN DEPT. PARTI! MAD'S ALL-INCLUSIVE "MONDAY NIGHT FO OOTDALL -V. VETKOIT PUSSIES. 5 nntiinacesiwen 2} @ i DALLAS Final Score Waser. First Downs ee PALLAS Turnovers WAGE, (O}Ao |x o* HXN-O Time of PALLAS Ball Possession WASH, Time of COSELL Microphone Possession Penne Lite Beer Commercials Deny 3 N/>> S/O SR4g/5 Mumber of Times Singer's Voice Cracks During National Anthem Ball Spikes After TD “Tushy Taps” On-Camera “Hi Moms” players Players Crotch Grabs rane Frisbees Thrown On Field NON) Oa/-9)y] 10 Who Idiots In The Stands Wearing Giant Foam Cowboy Hats Q . OY — B [9 93/4) fay] yy Waas|Noy Cumulative Time Camera Stays On Cheerleaders XY 8 = Longest Word Used by Cosell Ga Syllables) Blatant Instances of Name- Dropping By Cosel1 Cosel Stories That Begin “This is reminiscent of another game...” Number Of Times Instant Replay Shows Referee Blew A Call Number Of Times Meredith Sings “The Party's Over” Announcer References To Vince Lombardi Promos For “Wide World OF Sports” Number Of “Whhh’s” In Post-Game Interview Percentage Of Viewers still Watching at End Of Post-Game Show PAST-ASIDES DEPT. We've been hearing a lot lately about how people today are cynical, jaded, sarcastic and over-critical. Back in the old days, it was supposed to be a lot different. Back in the old days, people were supposed to be simpler, FAMOUS .-AND HOW THE PEOPLE B. ARTIST: HARRY NORTH ABRAHAM LINCOLN... IN 1858... PATRICK HENRY...IN 1775... paBRe Se I é 22s ens pee ‘nation ean-|-| Testi! || Wouldyou || Keep taking [Tino nat wat] Tw about makin] tik a {| vouwane || “Settefor_ | “Sea you course others may ‘hateteneme® Pf tat you aomsove... || getusine take but as forme tle of had any guts, |) [and 60% tree? |<|_a Civil War ‘give me liberty or liberty or give u'd be in Lancer tt ain Dement | | 1S A Beata FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT...IN 1935... [Weave nating] [-Wo...?How | [ Everty naling ] [~Whaddhe | [Telia othe tofearbut | | about abject | | through a slim at =, || mobster’ paying |_ tear lt poverytt| | 2inthe morning? | protection to =H = more believing and easier to convince. But, were they really? To find out, let's travel back in time and see how folks in years gone by responded to words of wisdom, hope and courage. Which is our sneaky way of presenting: VOTATIONS CK THEN REACTED TO THEM HENRY M. STANLEY...IN 1871... 4 No, dummy! |} [it's Dr. Livingstone, 1 Florence the Ear Specialist! Nightingale | \ | YOU want Dr Living indrag! stone, the G.P! § [Twoto one, he's |_ Jf Don't tell me gina tenyouro (°M| _you raved ome back during | {/ 8000 mies with YE next ne, using a doctor ff ADMIRAL LAWRENCE. ..IN 1813... Tn the shape il even isin, whee Fes || “wait fi JOHN F. KENNEDY... ‘Ask not what | 1 for yout Ask wnat you can do for your country! IN 1961... Twould | [I [ letter.” but knowing the rails, they'll BENJAMIN FRANKLIN... IN 1735. WILL ROGERS... IN 1930... eo SSL Ra oD ary tobed and] [ans | [Who do you] [ Whatare you cary torise makes H | vorng| |} my Brother bc joutomy., | | hang around | | some kind ‘aman heathy, | | as og n Phila cheep? | | of Faggot? wealthy ang wise! | |_ hell Right And tere re cates | {For i. rey a) ADMIRAL PERRY...1IN 1813... saa Parts f ete A te pave met | [Now weil | [Just as ong ae There must [ithe enemy and) | never get | {they don't bring, : be doggie-do fit q and hes hope Teg overs Hil I'm Dolly Lee—a im Juley! The way 1'm Violent | don't cn Razz, the Office Vm Mr. Haram Secretary! And | know most Secretaries are take any nonsense trom Spy! play a woman the Boss ofthis what you're thinking! played on Television, ‘male superiors! so | who's not above us. department! | act they set the Women's keep telling my Boss, ing ner body to get sily and do stupia Rights Moverent back Me. Hard, that even ‘head inthis cut things! But only to ‘30 years! That's why though 'm 3 woman, | throat male business make the girls tee! Ma giant step for can co anything » man wor! Why, just the superior! Actually, ward! The way Iplay a an do! | tld hie ther day, I gave my (eva prety sharp, Y that again yesterday ‘body to the guy in clever guy! Now. if —iuhile we were stand: | | Mail Room in exchange | | you'll excuse me. ing at the urinals in for a20¢ stamp from Think heat my ‘the Men's Room! the postage meter! | / | typewriter ringing! ‘SCHLOCK-WATCHING DEPT. Okay, gang... you've met the cast of this idiotic TV Sitcom! As you can see, they come to work at an office in the morning... and it’s—_€ ACIMINE TO FIVE ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO. food morning, |=" No, na, girls! Remember] [Good morn Good morn: Good +=" Hey, listen! I'm running iow workersi | | Anything | | my ofice pole! We do ine. gis! | Ling. ladies! [| morning [| _out of ames to cll you! exating | | NOT start off our work = Muh | [ Seotmorning. | | nappento| | day with gossip. We Dente | [terial] Lewsene!| ("Tare iuney were ||) Violent Dk xP Like | | start off our work da oSgias"! | | us adies”t in our second season, younsve a nize | | “a vealy” | | with » COFFEE BREAK! iwsde. | |itmakesus| [ Tooim. LI and we haven't run out week-end. hot dater | | “THEN WE Gossip! grading | | sound OL! | | personatt =. “of names to call YOU! |. Vs Z porrn V2 A Room / i i show you! Al you! need is one of those ‘What choice do we have! You certainly don't know how to flow-through coffee bags with the litle string. and you let it steep a while butit'sa little weak! pee This coffee Weil, this is going to is delicious, ["] be the new mel No more ‘acting ike the stupid, incompetent male Boss! Now, Il get right to work it you'll please point aut which door Teads to my office! be working here much Well its not 100% "That's true! sure yet! So | don’t remember know exactly WHEN | | one day last Tilbe leaving... ‘month when | *) Ey how we tove to throw Jr bartes around here! [ Okay, girs | start acting like | a normal, intel | ‘3s someone tells. me WHY my office 's filed up with pads, carbon paper, g pencils and boxes ‘OfSUPPLIES! || time's sake! Were working! What son) Sa of strange | | Ab-hahilits | 7 ity even a stranger ME ks | -| Swemiat LI Wel, you ARE] {ins =|_ ai Sy | Lite Don't forget Ls That's not = But this time, [admire you Violent You a handsome guy! Assaeeine y eases true! said they could save money | “by fine | one person | ‘rom each DESK! Hi, girls! Im Rock Forceful ile Reve all night instating your computers! ‘Well, | might fit | | atte when I come back in a couple of fours! Im going hhome to sip inte something sexy and make him 2 dinner! 7 i Hye told Man: ‘agement that we Could get alot more out of you [And we've tois Management that they could get alot more out ‘of YOU with lust a couple Of glasses of On the other hand, ALWAYS wanted to 5¢ } Involves with | “the exeting computer a ‘Morningl] | What do you mean, L! So..?)| | "lastnight"?! On television, | the tength of 2 commercial break! What can you do in three minutes! VY row morning, you'l find 2 computer at each of your desks! Why do each of us need a computer? [Who needs a computer for that? A 3 by 5 Index card ari pen. | ‘Gis PLENTY! Rnd there would STILL | be room for NEXT ‘season's stories! [Se nothing cheored realy hi between you ‘and that handsome devi? [Giri What are we saying?! We'te doing exactly what we promised ourselves we'd nev ‘er do on this series! We're acting like the STEREOTYPE FEMALE...andl won't bea | Bart of tim going home! _| i told him UF But we DID wedidn't []make a date have sly to have school gil || a quickie {quickie ro- | romance on manegs on | | ANOTHER this show! | | _ show! Will, of course! (Can | ask 2 question?? What do you knew that! You Ifthe movie version of T guess that Jax mean, “only ‘of you, and this is the thanks | get?) [think Im stupid or 9910 5” starred Dolly they feltit. =) more of the I come in to find you all watching Ml something! Listen television instead ot working at them! | | do mea favor! If = ‘any cartoon shows [tic Hare these ARE The computers! p| “one on, call m V Eo Bea ie pm, 14 ered // ‘out to authorize COMPUTERS for exch ame kind of Whats going on here! sick my neck i thing”? The | _ Parton, Jane Fonda would only | and tly Tomlin, how come | | be more of of thing...!_ S| "COMEDY!" | do'the television show’ Tone of them wanted to | | thesamekind | | movié was a wea! Sorta Yes, But with our computers, we'll be able o do absolute. Iyrnothing in only a day and ’a half! That wil give us $0 much more tim to just relax! Finging!| Fa] | Stasons.otshows. | | right? Take | | seasons of we do absolutely nothing So..2 || Ithink Ive heard ‘look! Is || shows, we've for five days a week! wybe twice! || ‘ton our | | “never sent f = a LETTER! | The +} But whats the name WHAT] [Now that you MENTION & hone's| | of te COMPANY we | Gee. you ].| stetorery | | whydo we need computes ing! | “work ior" intwo” | |know youre |_| ““intwo "hte ta pice Go ‘ Answer fet stationery? | 7— stations? eS Yiknow, girls, its get] [ dia 1 at hunch, Wal Think | | Get RID of them! Hey, we should ask| | want you girls to know | “ ee ee Mr. Hard to. | |nad to do some very kinky 8 i (show, and we haven't done [| smoked 8 things withthe computer | | SUPPOSED to ‘anything realy signif HREE ost $4000 ceant for the betterment ecel _|}|__ ‘St Women in Businesst spice! a A TA EL COME Dey 4 Tiiuse MY ‘andr Well enly Tim seriousll wnat | [ How about drop them can wedo that’s || we drop be significant for || some WATER. the betterment ot_| | BOMBS out Women in Busness? | | the window? | hat significant ‘about THAT..2 Cae ease = EI = Ss eS py Girls, FORGET about using No,., HIGHER your computers to help with than that! The Producer of this SHOW wants Us to hold a WET T-SHIRT CONTEST"! we DO act sly! But we've made some greet strides in this Com- [a pany! We've made our Boss out WOMEN on the |g Men's Softball Team... and WOMEN on the | Ly Tknow what we'll dol Mr. Hard hhad asked us to prepare some- | | computerto | | use MY ‘hing for the Company Pienie Tistthe ae- | | computer on Saturday! Muse my com: | | complishments | | to get me puter to compose a poem about | | ‘ofthe world’s The Feminine Mystique"! These are the TST] Gee, the TV | [ Maybel Or it coula ratings for audience at || be that men... who e || home doesn’t || are the Bosses dur. (CARE about Women’s « a [ Yeah, but somehow 1 get the fetng thet (4 THIS TIME, we went ‘TOO FAR...!! Pe ( Vv as Pes: ‘THE RHYMES THEY ARE A-CHANGING DEP’ Once again, Christmas is almost upon us...and once again, we're about to be bombarded day and night with the same old tired Christmas songs and carols. But take heart, dear MAD reader! Now, you can construct your very own, brand new and exciting Christmas song! Simply fill in the numbered blanks from the corresponding numbered lists, and you're creating MADS ALL-INCLUSIVE snow. 3) © © What fun itis__() ___ Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! ® Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! @ we go, Oh, what fun Oh, what fun WRITER: FRANK JACOBS @® © @_ g Dashing through the Passed outin the Talking to the Buried under Eating globs of Surfing in the Looking for some Snorting lines of ® Bells on bobtail ring Swedish tenors sing Dwarfs with static-cling Klingons do thetr thing With my houseboy Ching See some ding-a-ling Shepherds on a fling Here comes Alan King all the way. tonight! toride to spread the flu Ted Koppel has to count your toes to clone George Bush to wear a leash to self-destruct when droids make out O- in a one-horse open sleigh with a Fresno CPA inastolen Chevrolet with a Latvian gourmet with a loan-shark I cant pay ina black lace negligée ina thrift shop in LA. with my basset hound José making spirits bright screaming for Ted Knight quivering with fright guzzling Miller Lite causing urban blight via satellite itching for a fight stoned on anthracite ina one-horse open sleigh when the Bears and Packers play with my nephew Carol Mae getting swacked on Beaujolais with the ghost of Henry Clay with the Tulsa PTA with a toothless divoreée baked inside a cheese sougé Q oer the fields past the guards vulcanized igging out through Spokane born again Passing Mars ina trance g to ride and sing to scream in pain when werewolves croon to belch off-key when Mongols chanit when geese perform when Libras hum to sing in trance D itis toride to flog yourself to housebreak ants to yodel "Taps to cross the Alps to change your sex 10 freebase soot to phone ET © Taughing barfing ‘mumbling reeking molting cringing foaming oozing asleighing song at Wrigley Field in Portuguese with Tip O'Neil! in Leavenworth ‘on Channel 4 in Bloodmobiles ‘at supper clubs ina one-horse open sleigh when your arteries decay on the road to Mandalay hitting fungos with Ron Cey mixing gin with Fabergé Followed by the CIA in ayellow-green toupee any time but Christmas day 38 jt; ABSURD-OF-MOUTH DEPT. Since the beginning of time, people have been look- all these years, we have finally succeeded is an im- ing desperately for ways of communicating with each portant reason why we are all now living in such a other. It hasn’t been easy, but the fact that after beautiful and harmonious world where the catchwords \ AMAD HI COMM ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE VERBAL COMMUNICATION The very earliest forms of human communication considered consisted mainly of prehistoric people exchanging idiotic, unintelligible noises. Oooge ocka eeegah omm choka rugza doop! [i Onka doows dorpt Gogga combs jig dize doo doo omm! FRY Ookle goaga orkt [Now I've hoard EVERYTHINGH What do you ‘mean you ran out of gas?! Do you realize it's going tobe over a billion years be: fore you can get fuel out of a dinosaur? Yeah, and while ‘we're waiting, Wve gota reat terrific idea! ‘So how come you also flunked “MISTORY’ Gee whiz, Dad! ‘cause | flunked Math doesn't mean I'm dumb! G'me a ‘break! These are prehistoric times!t TTocka rimbabom| [Ahh zeedle dorp Pookah manny moe curly stoogies? | | Rizzo geesle muasa huaga bugga deeple dorple!! gadooste forkum | | gage snorfgook alt squeeaie uk. | | womboo dreck art “TRANSLATION TRANSLATION moobatornigoop | | zimbobaloolco | | Hey, how come there's no way of ‘There NEVER WILL be! That's the first Poli: Block brishkop! translating what THEYRE saying? are love and tolerance and peace and... aw, forget time! But . .. as long as you're wasting yours reading it!Now you know why we've always considered writing this one, you might as well kill a few more minutes introductions to these articles a complete waste of and read the garbage that follows, which we call . TORY OF NICATION HIEROGLYPHICS As languages began to develop, other methods of communication a clever form of “wall at.” some aspects of which contributed were orn. The ancient Egyptians came up with “erogyphis,” immeasurably to the evolution of 20th Century communication. |e Beers wea r- | Hs td Seat" | ‘Anything impor- JZ) Just JUNK tant today, dear? fe] messages! White Sate atthe Augustus Shopping ‘Genter in Pompeii THE PRINTING PRESS Before the advent of “print” media as we know it today, the written word was transcribed in a very primitive manner. Then, in 15th Century Germany, a fantastic phenomenon occurred. ‘An obscure printer demonstrated a revolutionary new method With the use of Jf Now, what we'lldo is get there four movable type, [| authors—Matthew, Mark, Luke & John have ust created |} out on 2 12 ety autographsigning Gutenberg’s Bibie! | | tourt Then, we'llexpose them on al the prime-time preaching spotst And—|/ \e{tne wore’ fist PUBLISHER] ae THE TOWN CRIER Some time later, far across the sea in the New World, the Town Crier’s job to notify the Colonists of the correct time Crier became a popular method of communication. It was the Town anything else of importance that might be happening in ‘Allthe windows are "Ten ‘lock -and Paul Revere is horsing aroun: ‘closed, and everyone again! And what violin playing Squire from ie STILL ignoring Monticello initials T.J.-is playing second: fp fiddie to 8 Minuteman stud? And as for Ben fe “Hot Lips” Franklin and that Concord seullery fy maid—WOWEE! Details at eleven! Hear ye sc ts no se a rel Dey Gf : aay SMOKE SIGNALS Further weston the plain, the American Indians were engaged instill another frm of communication using fires and blankets Send this] [The American cavalry [ Hesays, “Retreat othe | [Areyou [[Sounds more ike his hop-head is approaching th Valley ofthe Moon . i north ridge! and then attack from the the Sioux! | | ‘our strategy . Southern Crater of Venus MAIL Inthe middle ofthe 19th Century, the U.S. Mail System was offically established, further ennancing methods of communication. ‘A government agent on horseback could deliver a letter from St. Today, thanks to modern postal techniques, a mailman can deliv Joseph, Missouri, to Dodge City, Kansas, in a matter of weeks. er a letter from Manhattan to Brooklyn in a matter of months. ra a ER THE TELEGRAPH Concurrently in this country, a man named Samuel Morse perfect- But before he finally succeeded, like so many other inventors, ed a revolutionary system of communication called the telegraph. he had to undergo enormous periods of failure and frustration It's true! ri bet you everything town that that's ames sage from Baltimore 40 miles away! ES. | Quick! Jf it says... "You f: Decode jf lose, sctimuck | itn What f) Thisis 2 wood: pecker ina tree ‘feet aay!” ‘Aw, the heck with it think r'linvent the THE TELEPHONE Afew years later, Alexander Graham Bell came up with an even more remarkable invention that transmitted human voice aver wire. Wewawon J Teantearyon, | [coos nownere's whotwen'ot ven Trenertopeaton dest thon Yean! van Mr. Bell It ‘establish monopoly... control all foul uplistings in We're look-[] kind's frst faa works! it works! | lf telephone operations. set upaays- telephone books... and inginon {| OBSCENE )) tem of charges based on the “message milk the public dry jl PHONE CALL! v4 Une’ aomething nobody, nadia Lg Understands. alse tne rates whet PAS lever we want to boost our profits CO rn MOTION PICTURES Then, in 1893, Thomas Edison, the inventor of the electric light and the phonograph, came up with a truly momentous development. An enraptured audience reacted with shock. In 1927, a new system was introduced. . Then along came wide sereens, stereophonic sound, rampant violence and Clint Eastwood, LS Pek RADIO Shortly after, Guglielmo Marconi invented the frst wireless... Today, almost one hundred yeas later, here's where were at UML LAB a Sqwawk! Screech! What's that Jif Marconi inventing ‘Sqwaaaawwwunnewk! [What's that ungodly il Idon't know... [4 IIE, craack! Breceep! the wireless radial! (Creeeeceeeech! Graack! Breeeep! ‘sound coming from the radio inthe next room but the kids are E | DANCING to it TELEVISION Then, along came what may be considered the greatest invention radio, a wonder called television. TV (as it is now known) has in the field of communication ever .. . the perfect successor to developed over the years, spawning such memorable creations as: Pop Music Shows Animated Cartoons And “Country & Western” SitComs .. bel Von. an'm yo bayban ‘an’ yo may baybah Yabba dabbe doo! Wil: maaaaa ya gray big hunka Hah wayah ye [see yorelt, WT ZZz > ES WG AND SO, IN ESSENCENCE, AFTER MILLIONS OF YEARS OF DEVELOP. COMMUNICATION TODAY CONSISTS MAINLY OF CIVILIZED PEOPLE 40 MENT... THANKS LARGELY TO RADIO AND TELEVISION... HUMAN EXCHANGING IDIOTIC, UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISES. SOME PROGRESS! BSA. DEPT, ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: FRANK JACOBS. Thinking about what career to get into? Wondering whether or not you'll fit in? Well, here’s the second in a series of tests designed to help you choose your future line of work. Mainly, discover your true abilities by taking... MAD’S APTITUDE TEST NUIMBER TWO WILLYOU MAKE A GOOD TEACHER? 1. You wish to become a teacher This, requires a fierce desire to: ‘A. Learn firstchand what it's lke to live a the poverty level. B. Discover how much abuse a hhuman being is able 0 with- stand, C. Somehow survive until you're able to retire and draw your pension, D. Al ofthe above. 2 Looking at the above, you should be able to tell that itis A. The Faculty Lounge at a typi- cal junior high school B. A teacher's version of a luxury apartment. C. The set fora Senior Class play. D. Any of the above, 3. Asa high-school teacher, your class lisrupted by three unruly students playing a “boom box” at peak vo! lume. What should you do. before trying (0 take away io? A. Make sure that your medical insurance is paid up, B. Find out if injuries such as ‘concussion and broken ribs will Interfere with your te duties the rest of the te . Have yourself examined by a qualified psychiatrist. D. All of the above. 4. The three students punch you out After you regain consciousness, you ‘complain t0 the principal. You can ‘count om him to tell your A. “Forget it, Boys will be boys.” B. “Forget it Girls will be gies.” C. “Its obvious you're not getting through vo them." D. Any of the above, ‘Complete the following. In prest salary and respect in the commun a teacher's job compares favo with that of —— ‘A. A busboy B. A Haitian refugee, ©. A migrant worker D, Allof the above. + For homework, you assign your class a difficult proplem to solve The next day you eall on one student to give the answer. Which one? ‘A. The dumbest in the class so you can be entertained by his fumbling, bumbling attempts at B. The worst behaved in the class ‘ean get some revenge {turning your classroom into'a shambles ©. The smartest in the class so that you can find out what the D. Any of the above. As a feacher, you discover several Students getting high on grass. Your proper response is to: A. Be glad its only grass. B. Confiscate i, the take it home to compare it with your own. . Let them get stoned since they sleep through your classes D. Any’ of the above 25932 [Alook atthe numbers above should {ell you that this teacher is ‘A. Figuring out how many hours ‘of moonlighting it will take for her income to equal that of a street-cleaner 2 how many more she'll have to face tuntl Christmas Vacation, . Figuring ow much in debt she'll beifshe has steak twice a ‘month, D. Any of the above. B.C: days of h 9. Asa teacher, your summer vacation ‘ean prove of value, because: ‘A. You can make more in three months as a fill-in factory worker than in the nine you spend teaching. takes that long for the welts and bruises (0 completely dis- appeae . You can relax, mull over your life, and decide whether you might want to go into a less beetle, stress-ridden career, such as air traffic controller, D. Any of the above. lass is failing a required subject. What should you do? A. Pass them anyway so you won't hhave to put up with them next B. Transfer to another school where they don't know what a ddud you are. ©. Realize at last that you are in the wrong profession. D. Any of the above. SCORING sroypony, pass 9 2you 01 Sigigo ays 2804 no “suoysonb ay) fo 0 01, pasansun nos fy 44 YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A SECOND MARRIAGE WHEN... YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A SECOND MARRIAGE WHEN... pea Geuelers REEDED BLITZ DEPT YOU KNOW to go to work in order to make ends meet you find yourself stuck with amusing his of your Husband's incredible alimony payments, they visit him on Sunday . .. while hi LLovo GoLa YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A SECOND MARRIAGE WHEN... and you've never been to Las Vegas before. your Husband told you everything before you were ‘except that his Daughter runs with the “Hell's YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A SECOND MARRIAGE WHEN... YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A SECOND MARRIAGE WHEN... you are horrified to discover that your second Husband is actually starting to make your first Husband look good, 43 | DISMEMBER MAMA DEPT. A long time ago, they made « movie about a Psycho who poisoned his mother and then hacked up a few other people. In the end, he was put into a hospital for the crim- inally insane. But after twenty years, they released him so he could commit an ev- en more disgusting crime...making this sequel to that first movie! But this time around, he’s not the only weird one. He’s surrounded by several women who are... ‘Abnormal Baits, you are free ''m Liar Looney! He [Vim the Manager of to go! You have served long. murdered my Sister! fd Baits’ Motel! Is ‘enough! Besides, the Court yout that man | | anything | | TRIPLE A RATED. ow realizes that you had a ut, there'll only Alcohol, Adultery ang |ustiiable reason to murder ee be MORE MURDERS! ‘Abuse of Drugs! | hate that guest in your Motel! At — der | | to see Abnormal come ter al, she DID use up all T doubt it! Abnormal a back! He'll give the the hot water, showering, won't murder ayone!_} | anyone7! | | place a BAD NAME! ust as again? ‘Someone let me a notel I says Think you'll tke working, Ge here, Bats! You'l get to i" ‘Abnormal, why didn't you you CUT UP meat...anc CHOP UP | at home y lettuce and SLICE UP pie! [J lready! My boyfriend | [Well [own a Motel not far from andi had a fe, and you can stay there! We ie fant! ve about ten cabins. .and may. Idon'thave | | be one guest! But, don't worry! a place to Titpull few strings, and I'm stay tonight! | | sure we can squeeze you in..! Fini! Someone left me another nate There was] [Abnormal ] [Now yoo Merry..did you know ‘among the lunch orders! It says 2 NOTE your | | can SEE that Abnormal used to conthat | | Mother's | | how FAR | ff keep nis Mother's body ‘Don't you fet that slutin my house ‘Order been | | BEHIND down here?! He'd talk ‘again ofl slash her trom head to whet | | deadtfor | | we arein toherin HIS voice then answer in his J) Mother's voice! What do you think f that? toe! And stop slouching! Mother." Wein = Yourmake | [Sbdicoat]] dont at up Thave to answer that!) We ove Ds meso | | BLOOD! |] set: Abnormal imp mother cattns’ [] 'sPary you the way Bloods || “It's nothing! ine! arest_|| wedont overt | | you sick nung Aonormal, TOLD you! | | Sometimes amnontai|| a1murder was commt- | |2%hevary Yourtiother's deed tor |i] “ivsharé "er || “tedtWie dont even | |“eter st twenty years! iy woud || “to get rmuraee || _ hove» dead bodyt thrown Hello, Doctor! Come Well, they int Would you like [[” Abnormal, Merry is Uar_]}j] CAN'T DO some cottee. some | | Looney's daughter! They |{|| THAT! You THINK #02! Abnormal tea...some cyanide? | | “want'o drive you mad || | have no she's nothing but a pile of on again by undermining ||| sense of 4 [imean, some CIDER! BAH your sense of reality! reality! ME, F 46 Merry...?'s that But so far. you? i's ME he seems fine! Lar! thought we were supposed to "YOU'RE my Mather” You're twenty years YOUNGER than | am! Tel Thow do you account for that...7? Hey, Sherif there's ANOTHER ‘deed body in the T-Fnvsorry | whacked you over the fy ...bUL when hovel and head withthe sho you told me tars. Fool jou_| | DARTH VADER REAL | | was my REAL ne FATHER when you tld me Mrs. B really YOUR SISTER and MY AUNT. DON MARTIN DEPT, PART Ill pak ue ING IN Re LIVING ROOM WHAT HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS MAD FOLD-IN i 34 i The world’s weather is constantly shifting, and recent reports of certain atmospheric 4 changes are having a chilling effect on us all. To find out exactly what these reports are telling us about, foldin page as shown. oye er tianns 4B FOLD BACK SOA” MEETS“B” Zz ACCORDING TO SOME OFFICIALS, WE NEED NOT BE AFRAID OF BAD WEATHER. BUT LATELY, SCIENTISTS ARE RATHER UPSET BY THE REPORTS THAT'VE BEEN COMING IN AY cy