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ALONG arty Deaty WHICH- Of et WITH: ; 485 MADison Avenue ; New York, N.Y. 10022 § | enclose $9.75*. Enter my name on your subscription § list, and mail me the next 10 issues of MAD Magazine. B NAME. § ADoRess_ B ciry. oe eb forays BA zi Je Coad, SUS US, Fd. pale ty ntomatonl Mey, Oro Check "tawa ‘ona USA ton Oubige at Us! 25 por Bi iy amet ene Die Gece dawn 2 UA et hema so HECK OF MONEY OROER PRR tnd Coate wt OF 2 0A day sh sto NUMBER 234 OCTOBER 1982 i's really amazing how unimportant your job is when you're asking fora raise...and how important it can be when you want a day off —Alfred E, Neuman WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor LEONARD BRENNER a7' director TOM NOZKOWSKI production NICK MEGLIN senior editor JOHN FICARRA associate editor GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI subscriptions JACK ALBERT lawsuits ANNE GRIFFITHS logistics CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS A FUTILE STATE DEPARTMENT It's A Thankless Job AHITCH IN CRIME DEPARTMENT MAD's Theft And Vandal-Proot Products BATTLE HYMNS FOR HERS DEPARTMENT Marching Songs Now That The Armed Forces Are Co-Ed BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of CRIME AND NO PUNISHMENT DEPARTMENT ‘A MAD Look At American Justice DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT. ‘One Freezing Day In A Cemetary ‘One Broiling Day In The Desert ‘One Steaming Day In The Congo GAMES FEEBLE PLAY DEPARTMENT MAD Pastimes For The Bedridden JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT ‘Spy Vs. Spy LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail LETTERS ENTERTAIN YOU DEPARTMENT The MAD Word Puzzle. MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT "Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones POST ROASTIES DEPARTMENT Commemorative Stamps That Tell It Like It Really Is ‘TH—THA—THAT'S ALDA, FOLKS! DEPARTMENT. 'M*U*S°H" (A MAD TV Show Satire) ‘THE GREATS OF RAP DEPARTMENT How To Pick Up Girls, Of Various Types. ..In Various Places ‘THE WIZARD OF “A'S” DEPARTMENT ‘A Special Edition Of 20/30 Starring Barbara Waltzers With Scenes From "DeathWhich-Is-Which II,” “On Olden Pond” And "Death Crap’ 40 ©*Various Places Around The Magazine Gree Mrainccnneysniae meus ee eae ene Meet eae eee ae, SATIRE) MARCHING SONGS NOW THAT THE ARMED FORCES ‘ARE CO-ED MAD'S ‘THEFT AND VANDAL- PROOF PRODUCTS HOW To PICK UP GIRLS OF .VARIOUS TYPES IN VARIOUS, PLACES, Pg. 29 PASTIMES FOR THE BEDRIDDEN Pg. 38 20/30 SPECIAL STARRING BARBARA WALTZERS Pg. 40 Sadvertte our tal ch is red E Neuman, MAD 4 Wrapping fish=to tome schlock tall opine ie $85 for 37 and $1035 for 8 o. "MADson Avenue, MY, MY. 10028 $500 EACH! 3 LETTERS DEPT. “THE GREATEST AMERICAN ZERO” The Gresest Americin Zero “ying igh achicroment ‘Chis Longobasd Teves NY Some CAPEt you pulled off with "The Greatese American Zet0"" K. Griffin Mercer Island, WA On your “Great American Hero cone AfedLoks more like Shey Tempe Nicole Mila alta, Go The first time I heaed of "The Greatest American Hero” I thought Alfeed E. New ‘man would be the star Stewen Drofich Lehighton, PA Your "Greatest American Zero” rated a ES Paul Hemmes “Tom's River, NJ ALSO: Ali Shah, Bayrown, TX; A Shore Kid from Moss Je High, Beavercreak, OR; ‘Tom Benedum, Apache Jet, AZ; Jonathan Potts, Greensburg, PA,” Mact ‘Richardson, Concord, CA; Ray Janes, Columbus, OH oped a on a mel ee Dede E. Parks Newark, NJ A MAD Guide To First Aid” was an article that needed help! Everyone knows that fora stale bite you mast cach the Seake and take him sign an_acedent insurance caim in the even tthe snake gets cancer or something from bing the Atvivdal * . Dennis Greenwald Walled Lake, Ml Tig=turable for framing or “THE MAD STUDENT HATE BOOK” I found one mistake in "The MAD. Seusents Hare Book™ The line about hating to be the smartese kid in the class Is something most MAD. readers woulda'e Know thing about Jeff Hatean “Kenosha, WI Don’t You Hate. having your giclfriend making straight Asin the same clas you're failing! Somebody Somewhere, USA Don't You Ha...when te Ki siting seceto you ses of BE stink bomb ata Titnkonill, NC Don't You Hae.ten you led your laste f MAD one person a hoa sedis psd arund toh ot onli mes Steve Wiande Magnolia, OH We hate it, too! Moke the cheop skates buy their own copyl—Ed. Don't You Hate... reading MAD Hate Bola! Matthew Keleber Denver, CO ALFRED'S BROTHER??? UP ‘Alfred's Long Lost WHATEVER HAPPENED TO...? For the last 20 years I managed to keep any former MAD addiction a secret from my wife and children. This year, my son started bringing home dhe mag and 1 am hooked once again, ‘The 20ear hiatus leaves me with one question: whatever happened to "t's crackers to slip atozzer the The ten Commandments” and hand i coe to my Sunda Glom Joe Egune ‘Your article on "Modern Disclaimecs To The Ten Commandments” was the "Gods honest eeuth!™ Nancy Bolinski Wilmington, DE ABORTION, CONTINUED. Page, MAD 252), if abortion fire then certainly abstinence negligent hom: Inuman is denied the righ to lve inthe the part of the peospective mother and face TF we are going to make abortion illegal, then we should oudaw chasty 23 RH King Corona, CA GOING 10 THE 0095, CONT. Concerning. Sergio Aragones’ dog “Good Questen'™ thatthe ane “Good ston! that hay been mating With Bye brane Aner PA. Chappass SunJose CA Very Good Qvestion!—Ed, WaIGHTY marTERS ul Ps Roa cg rpc a Spang erige e Soae Arora you're done cating 2 mea, read part of TAD mapsee “Gunaten space went tl sn mop al your ? Jodi Wallace ircln, NB In Paul Puce Porge “Look Slim And ‘un Wahont Bi Or Seems Eee” iid ommnghe wth people hat ae er than yore he Dye a te bea Taty Beene Medora MA Stoct hanging around with elaphonts!—Ed, GooDBY GARFIELD Praise be co Al Jaffee for including the dog dish full of Tliete Garfields in his Reaganomics foldin, Those of us who live in Gatfedd merchandising shrines bow © Jaflee’ use ofthe fa cat, Mike Graham Lubbock, TX: Please Address All Correspondence To MAD, Dept, 234, 485 MADison Avenve New vork, New York 10022 Umlted anvils wit nat. te rear Obl- Ob... SIX! Yep, our stxth collection of all-original capers by those two idiots of intrigue is now ready. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY! What Moore could you ask for? So hurry and buy THE SIXTH CASE BOOK ON ey (You're Bond to dle taughing)) (On Sale Now At Bookstands, Or Yours By Mail aeenee o use coupon or duplicate INSU) c a5 CIPLEASE SEND ME Me ‘AbbREES ae SE es BA 485 MADison Avenue THE SIXTH CASE BOOK oe ——— re ‘ON SPY VS. SPY New York,NY. 10022. Sire ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THESE IDIOTIC MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS I'VE CHECKED BELOW: (The Ditty 01d MAD COMAD Horses Around (23rd MAD Dossier of $PY vs SPY MAD for Bete o Verse Cifobuesatateg MAD CT re ated MAD ‘ith MAD Classified SPV vs SPY o Ag With MAD (he Recycled MAD a I MAD Report on SPY vs. SPY ‘About Spats ‘The Nonicent MAD sive MAD, MAD Look at Old Movies (The Rip-Off MAD MARTIN Steps Out tun of MAD Old Movies Mi MARTIN Bounces Back ertsing MARTIN raps 13 lores Tooke TV ‘MARTIN Captain Klutz MARTIN Cooks MARTIN Gomes 9 Strong Mi Mi Mw MI Mi SeeeSseessece: 5S The Pocket MAD Che tsb MAD. De ekg & Me MAD Guide to Leisure Time Guide to Self provement eesti MAD Guide to Fraud & Deception iD Word Power E's Stappy Answer litical MAD IAFEE's MAD Book of Hagic IAD Look athe Future AL IAFFEE's Srappy Answers IAD Book of Mysteries THF Nossa IAD Cradle to Grave Primer TAFFEE's Snappy Answers IAD Wake Out Bock IAPEE MOD restr D Ciobbers the Classics Another IAFFEE Shappy Ansers FEE Freaks Out INES Viva MAD” INES MAD about MAD HES MAD ors IES In MAD Vie Tust NES MAD asthe Devi INES Incurstly MAD INES Shatin” MAD EDWIN sre Saas INES MAD Margins “FEDMING B00k of Ales Superheroes ID As 9 Hatter (Glos Letters to MAD. CSPORGES Hw Not To Oo tt ARTIN Caries On ARTIN Stes Further Out ARTIN Forges Ahead AKTIN Digs Deeper RTIN Grinds eed, a Looks al the USA Looks at People ERG Looks a Things BERG Moder Thinking BERG Our Sick Wor Looks at Living BERG Lok: fond Bi RuRERE 5 a PS < st ss ae a te ee (on Ustens & Lue coke Len & Laue BERG fee ” ‘Hen 4s SPY Folow Up file ‘BES22SE2E2: eeeuueanericeremscevceage bi pooooDog0oD0o00900u000000u1 = a on ai te NERC We amt espn ah Ghat (Minimum Order: $4.50) slate beer toa lm Father Nokaypee, —— in the Beginning, the Producers created lain ofthe 4077th M.A.S.H.| | 9 TV Series. based on the Good Book ‘and the Hit Movie! On the First Day, They created the Premise! On the Second Day, They created the Structure! And on ‘On the Fourth Day, They went up into the Hill of Malibu, and They gazed upon the Land and said, “Let this be Korea!” And it was! And They saw that it was Right! the Third Day, They created the Pilot Episode! And They saw that it was Good! ‘And on the Fifth Day, They said, “Let there be a ‘of Characters played by Talented Actors who will be Funny and Facile and not Committed to any other Sit Com! And thus, They created the Men of the Series! a “if Series! And they saw that it was Good... and Funny! ‘And They said, “Let this Show be Different from ‘other Wartime SitComs! Let there be Brisk, Witty Dialogue! But, along with the Comedy, let us show the Stark Reality of War! Let our Show have Inte rity! And it did! And the Publle saw that it was Good! And on the Seventh Day, the Creators rested in the Polo Lounge of the Bat tel! the Years the Sow ] and became the ost | far Show inte Larat and They were wellveorded with 3 “)), b s >t ‘And They said, “Be Fruitful and Multiply into TV Syndeation™ net An X ala arate Rerun” An thera 3.4 TH=THAMTHAT’S ALDA, FOLKS! DEPT. MUSH Buns?! Who knows, wSomew Some MAnd some leave their THAT'S \ lilbet you 2 A cnakes men ‘A those zany IN Jo strange guys gonel? Why? gl “things! fox. oles! grenades in their pants! swamp buddy (Crapper John She ora ioc 2) ieee [Ee ; masyoorat []se[ ]eoure ea ‘ Co ‘ o [ Listen: ina hit] [Bo you know] Series like this, | |what happens, S| iheFormaris | /"when You yet our Series has lasted thestarandthe | | ‘decide to | \\a% FR over TEN YEARS.” five times supporting actors |_| leave this |_jI'miss| |) * longer than the REAL WAR! te show...7_=himit > = come anid gol eS sama : ‘and furious ‘hey stop this war?! I'm tired of Room is EVER) straight! \f1 ings ) happened to encouragement and car- Ing and warmth? Whatever happened screen!" ccecacaees You know where my sympathies le in ‘case lke this! War tent ACL CHUCKLES, Fey, Squawkeye! Kock it you know! I'm tying to We've gota moral diemma and lighten up! fou're becoming| ‘much too self. And what gives you the righteous and |] right to impose YOUR Seridus again! views on MrU*S@H fans? "And we cant do any ID. | “Massive Concussion” [THEY'LL know!) Those M"USt1 "gags! We covered that J fans watcn every re-run! They Inthe seventh season ff know every word..-every line! with the “Klinger's Let's face it, Pl After ten years of this, ail of the best (SE OS SS 6 : ci) Vi kt Wa ndpee: |ftireensen bie f]akeraeree Bette Gay, Hortons neos] Nissen aed, lil Hira tinct | that. Llsoneanas foul eal es See eee NBUSOM BUDDIES"! || You know.. sort |) keptour H This ‘er? To the needy POOR??| | “THEY can use them! SGM i i ee IDSTY cor | ao ds, IPED SGT | on Pe Ts exasperating! ‘Surell Wearing a dress was my smmick.... my sehtick! Ithe Producers won't even allow me to 2.dress, I'm just an ordinary let the HEM out on | | guyon a Series! WITH a dress, my Battle Fatigues! |.-| I'm "that FREAK on that Army [NNN Show!" It meant status... and [and you fee! anxious] ‘and threatened... {really | | Squawkeye isn't the mischief- bothering | maker he was! you. isn't the floozy she was! And TM not the WOMAN | was! echnan a MWny not write we No, But it will Don't be, letter home? ff_help the show! depressed, JA Letter Home” linker! Taran away Toni | ard go AWOL.[ | uses te but know td] | ning a ote ua Teteot | | never make | [gh helt imeonesn MME | women go | | it aa border in my (es man is onation!” | | elitust Klinker, | know you're Gelirious, but I'm here to help you! Calm down! Do you recognize me... whathe [ay] Gut |i FOR vate. flor a our win: [ef ou, ur = waby || THAT © |scicxi| « | our linker, Col. Potcheese is the new “Father Fig "on the show! He's a Carefully while he talks some sense to you, okay?| THitien't Major Charles Cumbersome| Worcestershire... | Gentlemen... why am | con: tinualy the butt of your humor? Is it because | went {to Harvard? Is it because '’m pompous? is it because represent the authority, that youhi ‘so much? Tealled this meeting because, live got some BAD NEWS! Our show is in the crapper! Looks like W's our FINAL SEASON in No, Charles. is'because we can't have much fespect fora guy ‘who TALKS like Vm talkin’ "out of that n-ball Hashish [HAI We're READY! We're READY!| Just keep fp Notas rough By Oh? As Director ridiculing fg 2stcon make Plot this M*Uss*H ime ikee Ip things for you! I episode, I'l thi, Capt, seeto it you Piercing, Really? As Major MM never get 2 and ican fof this M*USS*Hif| CLOSE-UP! Pj rake things| unit, 'ilsee MN"very rough |'| to it you never Yor yout” get furlough! XD. =e BATTLE HYMNS FOR HERS DEPT. Well...the Equal Rights Amendment may have been kilied recently, but if you think you've heard the last of equality and women’s rights, you're crazy! Women are a growing political and work force in this country. More and more they are competing with men for jobs that were, up until a few years ago, dominated exclusively by males. Take the U.S. Armed Forces, for instance. Women have joined the Military ranks and are now training and fighting right along- side the men. Which is why we think it's now time to update some old military fighting songs. So here's: ARTIST: JACK RICKARD Take off your a-pron: War-riors are we! We'll... sing this song un-tl They take us off They take us off KPr Bitch and moan, What's towear? ‘Cause we can't Its just too tacky — Besides, ititches ev ry-where: THE MALE SERGEANT'S LAME! (sung to the tune of “Bless ‘Em Alll”) i ae itinottart Who have to sand guard and gona st ‘Why not prints When ives dre us grep teal Orarre Chit rdirermsone tee too smal r wink afte mthe dou ih ete an ble From duty ke 10 HING SONGS: | E ARMED FORCES ARE CO-ED |" WRITER: FRANK JACOBS IDEA BY: MARY JOAN CHIN THE FEMALE SERGEANT’S MARCH (sung to the tune of ‘Over Hill, Over Dale’) THE MALE DRAFTEE'S ROUSER (sung to the tune of “Cheer, Cheer For Old Notre Dame") Cheer, cheer for our soldier Now that they're here, we've new Arm-y games Tell your girl back Right THE ARMED FORCES MARCH (sung to the tune of “The Battle Hymn Of The Republic”) sub-divide the head, (Of an Air Force where they issue lowered sheets for ev'ry bed; The times are chang-ing now! Glory, glory, basic train-ing Nev-er was more ent-er-tain-ing There's more action — who's complain-ing? The times are chang-ing now! They are wearing battle outfits that are full of fancy frills They're credit to the service, and we allem “G.I ils I George Patton were alive to day, he'd take off forthe hills The times are change ing now! Glory, glory, foes they'll shake up: Armed attacks they're sure to break up; freshen up their make-up; 2 times are chang-ing now! They are tained to shoot rifle, and they show no signs of fright; They/re as brave as any man and nev-er un from any fi That's unless one gets a tells you, “Not ton The times are chan Glory, glory, tell her, Mist-er, ‘Should she struggle when you've kissed her, “No one likes a draft resist-or? The times are chang-ing now! POST ROASTIES DEPT. We can count on the U.S. Postal Service for many things like slow deliveries, inflation- ary postage rates and long lines at the Post Office windows. And we can also count on the Postal Service to continue issuing those bor- ing Commemorative Stamps that totally ignore anything that's controversial or really impor- tant. Maybe some day, they'll come ont with— Rapist Warwick ro hes Cerra ror Artist rin Nothing BOE runnsy 2c need ean no Salting THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER Sth ANNIVERSARY OF OUT-OF-SIGHT FUEL BILLS 30 Frozen Blue —~ i Denver TV Addict Waldo Culpepper ora arcane a A, Bubba Wiltfang| Perfects The © Neck Tackle Rufus Smith. Receives 1,700 Copies of Time Magazine 150 YEARS OF DOMESTIC STRIFE as StL rag ORATIVE STAMPS Likelt ARTIST: GOB CLARKE WRITER: FRANK JACOBS. Honoring America’s FASHION DESIGNERS sof Overy ced Ugline HONORING US. ‘MARUUANA IMPORTERS 18 Acopuleo Gold That Tell It Saluting U.S. Oil Companies Sucking Up To The Arabs Pulling Giant Profits Really Is Cr bier FSM EUG umes aa ga aU Dr. Philo Windrush of Columbus, Ohio Commemorating The 150th eee eae SALUTING AMERICA’S, ‘COUNTRY cluBs lor Lily White Meena 14° BIG BROTHERS ay BERG s‘EYE VIEW DEPT Ths WIGHTE COOKING THERE'S | {GOOD LoRD...! the timer a NOW! | | timer 2 oc INJURIES ea RISIDE CRIME DISCIPLINE [ThetSentyours| [What] (Wel. tiat ][Youshoudrae] [TDIT) [omeai] (THEN yu hou how hasoenaneter] [ave] | pemeets || wcunning, Teen deuce sage Tonia otaoyt"| [ol] [ermtedsara| | “scan Sous es Piel F 4 | £ te Ila feck fa em J MATHEMATICS (What's today’s ) [don't know! Look [THIS is no help! ies ‘know this sounds corny, but the date...?? | | at the newspaper!! YESTERDAY'S PAPER! reason | asked you out to dinner is a my Wife doesn't understand mel! ECONOMICS " a penny!) | bending down for! @ fis aa Pardon | [1 know! But with Well, if YOU don't want { You believe iti? That guy | [Maybe that’s how he GOT rich! me, Sir! | | what a penny can it. ITLL take it Is REALLY RICH... and yet You ‘BUY these daye, he went to all that trouble Groped | | it's not wort ust fora lousy penny! anette ‘already thanked Him torthat LAST NIGHT! PARENTS {When (had the gang) [Really? Angi Tigymeaee ter) (See) tveryesterayenye| | ouprtiter| | “ine'semenn | | Gana prone emoaraseca| | were prety’ | | erecta; | | Tebeck out ofr [ "terete! || my'pet grea cha | | hater Tersitterent | [at is (ES S 4 jz i Thank you, ) (A handshake?! Miitontt'| | That's ALL? -ren’t you going to In ite me intl? JUSTICE Rodney, | just heard 8 terrible thing about You! And for that, I'm ing to punish you'! But. Uharaly KNOW you! Get with Well... okay! You can come This isthe in for a cup of eoffee and NINETEEN some cookies... 9 snack! EIGHTIES! id Can you give me a reason ‘much smaller than you! why I shouldn't spank you? [What are) . other par. ents tke?? But, remember... don’t want any crumbs in the bed! Because ma title kid much smaller than you! DON MARTIN DEPT. PART I ONE BROILING DAY IN THE DESERT A FUTILE STATE DEPT, TSA of College Admission ent why he's being re being selected by a Teacher to be in charge ‘of the class while she attends to some business All ight, students! Sette “Bnd while Fm out down! thaveto attend a ff] of the room, Matthew ‘excellent grades, but | [Twas on the Chess Team and ere willbe in charge 3 here at Old ivy, we || Swimming Tear! | was Editor | | also the problem ALSO look forthe || ofthe School Paper, and | of being alittle i well-rounded student! |_was in all the schoo! plays! JM TOO well-rounded! oach of an NBA team where the lowest being his Press Si and trying to explain why being is almost three times as much as you do. the President hasn't Kept any of his campaign promises, paid player me =| ne 3 = ‘Of course the President promised us @30% ST However 1 ‘Okay, guys Will you listen to that Yaxeut But dueto the steppedap Russian (]bythenext | roctice || turkey with his 200 mltary activity, he fecisthatourdefonse, >| eal your ‘omerow at ne promises — 5.00 sharp! First, we'll go over the homework! — Jul Man, what's he ‘did anybody do his homework? [il ‘talkin’ about? WRITER: LOU SILVERSTONE KLESS JOB... the Comedian between acts in a strip joint that has turned into a LOM =) and he said “That was fh indy! That was my Uncle! He just walks funny!" achat Uh... Coach, = V'm Professor Mildew of the |_| We English Dep <1 being the Census Taker in a re ne ont aa x Un~ just becouse t SAYS, "MAD Magszine Presents ba doeen't mean MAD had anything to do withthe Pe 7 2 AHITCH IN CRIME DEPT. In the past, the number-one problem in Police vandalism and theft. More recently, however, Departments throughout this country has been vandalism and theft are no longer confined to MAD’S THEFT AND VAN VANDAL-PROOF BUILDINGS Bricks, marble slabs, granite blocks and other surfaces of Since nothing sticks to Teflon, vandals bent on defacing buildings are treated with coats of transparent “Teflon.” uilding with their graffiti are driven absolutely crazy. a Graffiti vandal shows up with Coating on building repels Outside of building being sprayed with Teffon coating. his usual spray cam or marker. vyandal’s would-be graffi, THEFT-PROOF CARS Experienced car thieves do not ‘Theft-proof car would contain special circuitry Would-be car thief halls attempt need any Keys to break into and that is activated when car is started without and hastily abandons car, while start a car, They have many ways key. This turns on device that slovily ralses the hhe desperately seeks relief for aq‘ P9PaSS this simple. problem. ‘temperature of the driver's seat unbearably high, backside in a body of cold water. Police Departments. Now, they have become a outside world as well. So once again, we've 5 major problem for you ordinary people in the come to your rescue with this collection of — & AL-PROOF PRODUCTS {RTIST AND WRITER: AL JAFFE y THEFT-PROOF PUBLIC PHONES Put device Senses any foreign object phones are often pilfered by crooks who break into coin boxes. This ring box and instantly traps the thief. Ry Ala wg f ES Would-be thief approaches public telephone booth, Automatic tripping device breaking into coin box and pilfering is activated and pilferer Frustrated vandal leaves in di ‘ve Fate that awaits him, i neatly caught and held. ‘and building remains spotlessly HOW THEFT-PROOF PUBLIC PHONE DEVICE WORKS Dox (A) triggers release (B) which opens flaps (C) @ of booth being pilfered. A word of caution: Vandal-proof car's seatcheating device should not be set fo come on too suddenly . .. or serious Release mechanism sends pronged head- Stunned perpetrator is caught and held damage to the car roof could result. trap (D) down with lightning speed. by closed prongs until Police arrive. VANDAL-PROOF GRAVESTONES Hoodlums who go through cemeteries at this nonsense, once and for all. The while a hidden recording gives out a night, knocking over gravestones, are minute a sadstone is touched, it sets hone-chilling, eerie whine. Hoodlums Yery ‘upsetting fo relatives of the de- off mechanism that causes aplastic who experience this’ frightening. dis: ceased. Vandal-proof gravestones stop day-glov- In cemetery late at night, as heartlessly cruel i rushes up (0 smear a gravestone with defacing pain infed skeleton to rise up, play will never want to see it again. PILFER-PROOF HOTEL AND RESTAURANT SUPPLIES Built into each hotel and/or restaurant item that is like- ly to be stolen is a tiny solid-state radio transmitter Thus, when a pilfer-minded customer nonchalantly pockets the sm and strolls out with it, signal receiving de- the door screams an alarm to embarrass the thief, X-ray view shows hotel guests leaving with various souve. irs as tiny radio receiver sets off embarrassing alarm. THEFT-PROOF UMBRELLAS Handle of umbrella has handcuff-like locking device. This locks it to hanger rods, door knobs, chairs, ete. Locking device is also effective when the umbrella is carelessly left behind. Engraved phone number assures that you'll be called by desperate check room attendant fo come and gett UWaHELA Yana 6 UWLECKED YOS1/ON UMBRELLA NARDE Lose Psion Frustrated thief unable to swipe umbrella from closet rod. THEFT-PROOF BOAT THEFT-PROOF HANDGUNS The moment thief pulls up anchor or easts off dock lines ‘Handgun has thumb rest (A) find takes off, bottom of stolen boat begins to Gil with that. i electronically con- ‘water. Thief sees it thinks sinking, jumps over- Ce oe sree board and swims to safety. Boat is then endlessly retrieved. in dl When 2 fhutnb placed on thumb rest, its fingerprint is lectronically seanned. If itis the proper owner's print, firing mechanism is made operative. Otherwise, gun will not fire at all, ‘Thus, only true owner of gun ‘can effectively use it mccouren Agee ea Boat thief takes off, notices Thinking boat is sinking, he boat is filling up with water. dives off and swims for shore. HOW THEFT-PROOF BOAT DEVICE WORKS Perpetrator, bentoncommit- Perpetrator turns gun on ting crime, waylays Cop and Cop, but fingerprint won't tricks him into losing gun. activate firing mechanism. As boat leaves dock or ‘mooring, unseen line {yanks plug from secret water tank, releasing small amount of water. Crook mistakenly thinks entire boat is. filling Sth water, when only janie, perpetrator flees Cop recovers gun and qui = crime scene, dropping Cop's teaches perpetrator a lesson useless gun as he runs away. that he will not soon forget. tinues to stay afloat. | THEFT-PROOF STORE MERCHANDISE the plague of all shopkeepers, is eliminated ‘Even exiremely valuable merchandise > ended, Counters of shatter-proof if ifem is wanted, convenient buttons under holes summon fds have holes with long, tearproof gloves aftached. a clerk, System ‘eliminates guards and exttu salespeople THEFT-PROOF MEDICINE CABINETS {hls may appear be a minor sort of thet problem, but neverthe- less, 1 a hosts privat when using bath evice, problem is quickly solved. Special release button (A) must always be pressed, otherwise open- ing door any other way sets off a screeching alarm, scaring petty pilferer, alerting host and hostess and tipping off other guests. PEEL SAL LD 2 ee 7 SKREEEEEEEEEE SESS Later, apartment dweller retrieves paper without fear or worry of it being stolen. His key unlocks and snaps open the fearsome jaws. THEFT-PROOF BOOZE BOTTLES no aor ex per ree) eat | wow san wmeon 0408 sore mT ‘exrenive oun re Phony bottleneck (B) serews on fo bottle ‘of expensive liquor ‘or wine (D). New cap (O) inside ‘of phony bottleneck ‘seals in contents (E). Area in top of phony bot- tleneck (F) is then filled with special foul ‘When would-be booze thief uncaps bottle ‘and pours “out vile= smelling liguid’ he is overcome with an instant nausea, and quickly "loses his desire for a drink, THEFT-PROOF CLOTHING Special lock-ring and chain, carried in purse oF pocket, is threaded through garment sleeve and attached to hanger rod to prevent thefts. Also useful in publi places to. prevent some careless slob from switching coats with you. THE GREATS OF RAP DEPT. One of the best-selling “underground” books in recent years is something called “How To Pick Up Girls!” It es frustrated, horny guys hints on how to approach girls, and supplies them with some sure-fire opening pick-up lines. Well, the trouble with these pick-up lines is: they're much too “general.” All girls are not alike! They come from different places, from dif- ferent social and cultural backgrounds. We think you should hit on girls with lines that specifically ap- peal to each of them. In other words, you gotta talk their language. Here, then, are some MAD hints on— HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS OF VARIOUS TYPES...IN VARIOUS PLACES 'ARTIST: SANOY KOSSIN WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN B general note for you beginners: There are certain pick-up lines that absolutely do not work anywhere any more in the 1980's! These are... ‘i Bp ‘Am I mistaken, oF did some crazy magieal thing happen wien we made eye contact? Okay, now that you know what NOT to say, here are some sure-fire MAD pick-up lines that you can use in some specific situations: Mainly . . . HERE’S HOW TO PICK UP... -.. A SQUARE, WHOLESOME, TOTALLY DECENT, ALL-AMERICAN TYPE FROM THE MID-WEST jand water fo come back to my piace tapes of the “Donny and Marie” show? For! ee By Would you happen to have a button to match the one | seem] tohave lost from my polyester, double-knt sult jacket? on ol Ps ‘don't want to come on stron ermission to see you three w ike your Dad's | 5m next Saturday! ...A REAL LAID-BACK AND SPACED-OUT SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA SURFING CHICK... “Hil Iman, lke, oh, wow. 1 mean, ike, here's the [thing “okay? I mean, like... do you have the right time?| oR] [Hey abe -Te is the ataniie.orthe Pcie. OR} Hi, there! Listen... what time does this ocean clase... ... AGIRL AT A PUNK ROCK CONCERT... Excuse mel My frend Sid... YOu kn lzreen hair ang the dead chipmunk... .-. ADEDICATED WOMEN’S LIBBER... «+ AN OBVIOUS INTELLECTUAL TYPE... fre teernorncuayeuticte romero Se 4 Dreyfuss was innocent, don't you? ; STRESSES] or ; ‘ (My or 7 [twas cance? You can lea, ancl dance backwards! i that the soul was immortal and OR s Hi, there! Listen... I've got a squir In my pants! Would you lke to sett “7 5 ;0u 8 drink? No? Then how about a summer home? JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. Se ODYvsQvy/8s CRIME AND NO PUNISHMENT DEPT. It’s no big secret that one of the greatest problems in the world today is the alarming increase in crime. We all know that economic and social conditions are a major contributing factor to this “cancer.” What w like to do now is take a look at how a great democracy curtails it pid growth of crime by means of a fair and intelligent system of Ju That's what we'd like to do! However, instead, we've decided to take AIMAD LOOM AT‘ NERICAN WETICE THE ORIGINS OF AMERICAN JUSTICE ¢ Anyone who wonders why American justice Is the laughing stock of the world should try to remember that our judicial system was strongly Influenced by our Mother Country, England...and nothing Is funnier than an English court. Danie Reverse Forcies ee ey are WBA in ers ersby sarnenced t0'30 Ton’ believe] [1m not efoe this Gourt || ‘I leugring at tne ‘laturbing the peace 4 eres ate ||| wectngen basses sontence || ridiculous wigs ou Koksaimort as | | att This rigculoussethat | | "ismy ‘and the Barristers en you, would you | kindly inform the | | are wearing! | think Bench exactly why | | ‘English courtroom you are laughing? | | tradition is silly! You call this a free coun ‘ty? Five years for con tempt... just for laughing ‘at your idiot wig. 777 WAT you're wearing! | |REAL HAIR! JUSTICE IN THE AMERICAN COLONIES Because of the devout, God-fearing nature of the Puritai 8 in the colonies were usually religiou d the punishments say the very leas’ For example, there were the stocks. ‘Then, there was the Ducking Steal for ‘And finally, for the ultimate crime, what was considered serious crimes the ultimate punishment: the stake. But, now THEYRE What was his see nowt tolled ‘He's being punished > She IS > HIS : - rakviod woman’ | {tauess ]| aare | Jes ace ef Beisel A! 4S HES (3 is. | bot bina | leithert [good enough for him?! JUSTICE ON THE AMERICAN FRONTIER Asilne yaore warty and America Buches Rel ieoution Ga Revie ether west Ratios Was usually awit nd eure. at Samotimon worsean etanee ways: fetes ee se rope around your neck over thet tree limb, explanation? | ‘murderer. Ls is our new JUSTICE AND THE AMERICAN LAWYER As the country moved Into the 20th century, lawyers began to play af crater (eur! lustioe eyatamnt ma today they are Indispensable. No, no! You got THAT's why you were on the all wrong! You n | dock! You happen to be study ing seulpture in night school, |) stumbled on the dock, ‘and you grabbed 2 of concrete and dump: fim to save his lifet ‘ed himin the river! JUSTICE AND THE AMERICAN JURY SYSTEM Every citizen 18 or over is @ potential juror... and here you See a typical cross-section of some potential jurors. 4 <6, GOD These are all lawabiding citizens with a sense of justice, ‘motivated by one clear desire: to get the heck out of jury duty by any means possible. After al, who can alford to work for ridiculous jury wages and suffer the boredom of sitting around a room, waiting to be picked for a tal? ‘And here we see the typical jury they usually wind up with, Our system of justice guarantees trial by a “jury of your peers.” The dictonary defines a poer as “a person of one’s equal rank." So if you're ever put on tral, you can cer tainly identity with your jury. providing you're a litte ‘ld lady, a retired storm window salesman, or an exsvino. THE AMERICAN JURY IN ACTION ‘o see how our jury system actually works, lets pick up The trial is over, $0 let's sneak into the jury room anc eavesdrop as the jury is deliberating on its verdict. fsn'tit true, Mr, Snavely, that on the night of March, 17th, 1982, you were NOT at Carnegie Hall as you claim... but instead, did wilfully mug and rob Mr. Herman Frammish on a dark street in South Brooklyn?! Counsel leading ne ict Tsay we free ‘aman on such flimsy evidence as person- | | the defendant, and throw the book at that Commie D.A.! a [Yean, but remember!) | ‘The Judge told us todisregard that last statement! you people | | except for one small point! ‘think. Wel... | { Allthe evidence seems to What do | | point to his Innocence. He admittes he was guilty! {And about an hour later, somewhere out on the street . Well, Snavely, you're a free man again, and rm going American justice has triumphed once more! [.to disregard that last state AMERICAN CRIME AND PUNISHMENT TODAY Not all crimes go unpunished, however. Today, there are many murderers who are actually convicted...and they pay a terrible price for thelr crimes... Bently Krudd...for the | [ Oh, my Goat her Vi = t Ub HOW THE AMERICAN JUSTICE SYSTEM WORKS In broad strokes, here is a general picture of American Justice in action... Ht a cttizen is stupid, commits a crime, Ifa detective is stupid and fouls up, Ifa lawyer is stupid, bumbling and to- and is convicted, he goes to prison he goes back to "pounding a beat” tally incompetent, he becomes a Judge! AMERICAN JUSTICE AND THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION With Ronald Reagan firmly in command and guiding our nation (with an invaluable assist from the Moral Majority), America is at last on the right road, and is starting to win the tough bat! t crime and LETTERS ENTERTAIN YOU DEPT. FIND AND CIRCLE THE 53 HIDDEN WORDS THAT DESCRIBE TELEVISION TODAY Bretuv~ZuruadnweO—-euuwZ— Food qDOmununrdiann~noeZz qdpasaseouzZ—-Zurv-wnyreru we~-u—-N>rQOOournaoNreuvoad FuzDdeaanDde—nwaaNnAaNEFUIZ wrna—-TIwINeAeNnVoAeYy—wer s2eaqnnaOa=FTO0LOLOZZ>H— wus Zm-m—weetTZeer—-Hn-Aa W>rT—-AxAxAZIVUIONLXUVYVEZMHeEW We-—wOrrxm—-—- str 7aAuUdude 3M ZFO2HnNU~OZZII—-Zweerw PZYUZeCvVdyUAZaA-areZzZeu—-F Zwurorxr-e¢wustdeunad—-uZsv MuQuadreradoddad>ua--— puunrGtyryursuwrooors,aZuNe- mOoe-ZYU4=F-G0FFNA0GOI—-O SPOsI2dTMazZdaMDvDoOeCaws— DPata-vzdeduaD>OuZeaa a-nuDdHNRF-ZUYD—FrAZOA- mOeSTDACe—-NwuQedanadxXua EOS ao Ke) EAC Sy WE ASKED YOU TO FIND AND. ERTL Ny Cone aay ny Orn WAITER: JOHN FICARRA GAMES FEEBLE PLAY DEPT. MEDICATION SOCCER TOE MUPPETS IR THE BEDRIDDEN SUGAR CUBE TIDDLYWINKS USED TISSUE BASKETBALL aT ee BE AG SATET S = 4 eS CEB UNDER-THE-BED LINT SAILING REGATTAS ae" 7 ‘THE WIZARD OF “R’S” DEPT, Sn, “20/30"™. WITH SCENES an “DEATH WHICH- IS- = || BARBARA WALTZERS ICH 11,” “ON OLDEN POND” AND “DEATHCRAP” ie Which Iy the same as "Death |] I shoot people in Los Which-Iswhich I"! || Angeles! Big difference! en and raped! of your “Totally it movie this ferent movie! time? My fist guest is Mr But aren't |{ Right! But in Teitme, ][ Because UW Sure! You're be Charles Brawnson, star [[” That's just ridiculous, the plots || “Death Which why aid || CRIME in [] ing paid one and ‘of the box office hit, || Barbaral They're miles || similar? in ||," it's my you pick || Hollywood fal “Death Which-Is Which the original, || housekeeper | | Hollywood || is WAY UP! ries, erities and daughter ‘as the ‘Daath Which ‘who get beat: location |[" Can you U wack that up with statistics? = ieiN s \N ate ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER, WRITER. DIGK OF BARTOLO OK. let's look ata few scenes from “Death Which-Is Which IT".§ ‘Once again, you've decided to take the law into your own hands hunt down the hoodiums who have wreaked havoc on your household! So you g0 to a seedy hatel and you rent a room as @ base of operations! Tn the movie, you play aman who doesn’t like *o alscuss things with ‘anyone! Are you like ‘hatin real life?” Yeah! Do you have “Valet Parking"? | drive a brand new expensive car! {ot 2 room, Mister! t's $3.00 a nigh ‘Sno heat, no hot water, no cold water, radio, no TV, ne phone, and the bathroom's ft door... in the restaurant! Any questions? tt LaVs 10k ata few more scenes fro wnien | ab other scene, you save two innocent people who Is:Which "tin the movie, you play an architect & 18 mugged an robbed! You shoot some of the who's designing a mew building for 3 radio station! (AL ‘oodlums, and you chase the other criminals away! Pail. you These plans or | [— Wel win ‘Okay._weilneeda full For TWO And second: Anyone don'thave [[ what |] therew RADIO || the crime ate description of te guy |] reasonst | | who bothers target anything to || makes || STATION you've || “goingup so” £ |_wnoyou sey helpeayout | | ‘Fast Involved these days dowithatl_ || "You || been working on'| | fastin tos = === | wevehad | | ‘is probably out of the MURDERS |] soy 2 || Youve designed || Angeles, The guy who HELPED us?!” | | no success | | his mind and should @ CEMETERY | | seemed somuchE | Why nthe world are you | | goingaiter| | ‘be put behind bars inthe lobby! | | more functional [| going ater the GOOD guy? | | Sab-guyst | | tor ns own safety! = than 2 fountain! Ta this next ‘scene, the same Detective from “Death Which le:Whieh Ii called to LA. to investigate the wave of hoodlum kings! So, naturally he decides to follow YOU!_[ gain entranc ‘Aer finding and hiling all but one of the hoodlums, you has been sent for rehabilitation Listen, this s Los Angeles, California, kid! ANYBODY who rides a bus is suspicious!) Le 2 to the mental institution where the last one L__ by posing as'a Doctor! They can make “Death Which-1s Which II! without ME, but not without YOU, idiot! This next scene takes place after a wild, bloody battle in which you manage to take your revenge by electrocuting the hoodlum! lee Eero” ata |[aadetion VE. ai E would she be! Here's ‘my question to you! you were a cof- fee, what kind of Mo. wee Tinow! Thats Teekay, I] wivimmnctes Tanaling || andwhat Miclometetne | Boroera |) “ing to prt yous dept || ‘tnd of show Jone." Ask me any| sounss ie 2 Mien you. || sade Sarectoaii ou | erg! Ard speak Etdiee || satyon im notaace | lnettom |] “ing orarags= olan ea Tp mtce || and tare || iets tem about i you pesooal || very happy erst || oneter coffee would you be? ‘Jane, did take MH It did?i? i mean— Okay. let's get to “On Old ‘much preparation all... you man with a crusty, col, to play Henry really ARE Henry Fondle's daughter? | | Fondle's daughter! Listen! - ‘Oh, yest it Doyou [[vean...1 \\_ | took a tot of hear the | | hear you \\ [preparations oon | | talking, talking? Pond’! In the film, your Dad plays ai ter exterior and a sharp, acic. biting tongue! Tm talking about the Toons, ‘on the pond! What a clamor! What do you think they're saying to each other Probably ti Da you know what would have happened ‘to met falle through that screen ‘door! | would have STRAINED myself! = ‘Try to be more careful, dear’ ff Tiere comes the Hf ‘Mail Boat"! How can you tell 'sa""Male™ boat? Has it got ts clothes off? Oh, Norbert you're so hus ‘morous! | only hhope and pray ‘Mom, remember how angry Dad got with me the last time | came to visit? 'd rented a ear, and when he ‘sked me what kind of car L} jokes, because BJ to “quack” each other up! 2 i Why. everybody <1 loons have “fowl” mouths! cling dirty they lke knows that ‘Okey, whet Dad never 1 Well he always got so angry when Teouldnt Tiked me, [ ] do the backflip Why do you think my doing you everything I know, and just when it's your |; turn to teach me how to BOY, wouldn't you have, Dad? Jane, end || Mushit p) That's not My final guest Not exactly! The ‘and this interview my answer!| | is Christopher movie opens with [] that’s Wilt ona of ry That's what} | Heave! Chris— ‘Broadway play || justthe dum questions! think you lew oniyit’snot” || opening IM'you were 2 your brain | | Actually, play the Broadway play | | ‘scene! breakfast food hhas turned ing t the movie comes || You want which one into! "Bye, confusing, would you be? Barbara! wi You're night “Mur o Don't be silly! An incredibly || der on a Surfboard aren't much || creative mind like yourst Just || might have been a better! Took at all these wonderfully litte too limiting! Perhaps i'm || inventive hits you've written: After al, you can cone The reviews my PLAY Tin so depressed! Listen a Murder only fit two people {othis:". boring!” * |} ona surfboard, 50 dull “Murder on a Roller Coa: 't does reduce the sensitivity! ‘ list of suspects! ™ " 7 That brings us to you, Christopher! You play =r Ey Seam "age | Linnotenoe €) - Sarees Mast become || off stealing this Sar |[ciewcte U0 toerctnea tr, -anicyen ‘its co-author! fantastic play that ‘husband || some errands thecarup [] you filled the What errands? || But I filles Youdidn't Ul the tank up mention any [] _ just this station! |] "errands! afternoon! “pa My gosh Look ai] [Well some “1” Yes! Some wore used these awful wea-| directly— in the actual pro: and'some [| ductions... and some indirecty! ‘And I've only read to page 117! Lord knows what ELSE ll find fon page 118... the LAST page! {i Traits no use handcutfing me to this chair! I'm expecting aa phone call here any moment! t f ‘A Then Snidely and his wile, Minor are aid a visit by a strange neighbor... ‘Okay! So it wasn’t] Snidely! Stop itt Are you erazy?? such a great joke! || Don’t KILL himt You'l get blood Aren't you-gag—|| on everything! And now that your taking it—choke— || “play's a flop, you know we can’t abit too serious! || afford a cleaning woman any more! Yes! they bury ieee That's rightit Not see more U1 see someone who than that! see 71 is fust your TPE, HORROR here! A RATER | see hi fname comes toro! SMITH CORONA That doesn’t ring a bell with me! Then, late one right, Snidely's wife i shocked to ) | see your face, all bloody and gory. staring ir her through the window! And Wie you erst inat hint aa ey | @OOU ao No, it wasn't her weak heart! It was her WEAK STOMACH! Your per Ss Loren Do you think my wife 1 There was is J After the bari, you two lovers sattle down into a We ever suspected | liked “EJB ot quiet domesticity! Excopt that, after a while, things men better than women?