WE’RE LOOKING FOR PEOPLE a ABILITY TO DRAW Say 12 of America’s {) Most Famous idiots rLLaAy 1 OXENEE 3 vis ou ea If you have the ability to draw, we are re looking for you, Do you know that mariy men and women have hidden assets they never dream of? Do you know that we at MAD dream of ‘those hidden assets all the time? Are you one of these people? Do you have the ability to draw? ‘We of MAD would like to encourage you. C’mon, all you peopie, Let’s draw, Let's draw on those hidden assets, You can’t take it with you! C’mon, you no-good cheapskate bums! Draw! DRAW $2.00 OUT OF THAT BANK! SUBSCRIBE TO MAD TODAY! MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS NAME. 225 Lofayerte Street New York 12, N.Y, ADDRESS. city —_zone___state ‘maker mea no-goed ehaapskoie bumNUMBER 34 AUGUST 1957 ‘Sirwnge that a nn who hax wi enowgh t write w satire should Bao {ally enough to publi: '—Venjamins Franklin (706-1790) PUBLISHER: Wiliam M. Goines EDITOR: Albart 8, Feldstein ART DIREETOR: John Patnom CONTINUITY: Jerry De Fucsie IDEAS: Nick Mella CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS: Wellece Wood feb Clarke Don Martin Norman Mingo Jot Orlonda George Weadbsidge Frank Kelly Freat Mant Davcker Dovid ‘CONTRIBUTING WRITERS: Bob & Ray Onen Bean Frank Jocobs E. Nelion Bidwell Poul Loikin Alfred €. Newman suascalPnions: Gloria Grlendo [ABVERTISING: Peler Bort, Dore Geller LAW SUITE Merlin Schesmn, Eg LETTERS-TO-THEGEDITOR COITOR: Al "Jaxzbo" Ce DEPARTMENTS BOB 8 RAY DEPARTMENT “me, Science” Metarear tinea ucla COLLEGE DEPARTMENT ‘A Collection of “Collegiate Whimgey’..... 2.2. 642.30 COMPARISON PROVES DEPARTMENT “products for TY Advertising, Ine." seceeereeeeeees92 FIDO-RE-M| DEPARTMENT ‘The Mad Dog's Shopping Guide"... ----- +000 0024 GO AX THE OL’ CABLE DEPARTMENT “TV Guise’ acres av HEALTHY COMPETITION DEPARTMENT Success SHOFY ever pe peeeee cece eee HOLLYWOOD DEPARTMENT ‘More “Scenes We'd Like to See"... 29, 48 KINDLY REMAIN SEATED DEPARTMENT a utuce Driveline Beer LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings of "Reader Mai Saeco nined LITTLE SQUIRT DEPARTMENT “The Spitball Contest" Pe cpseeste ents: MAD OBSERVATIONS DEPARTMENT ‘Meaningless Musings While Munching Millewn . OH, PROMISE ME DEPARTMENT “Wedding Album’ .. aleedontdigonnan ORSON BEAN DEPARTMENT “Two Chinese Fellos in an Amer OUT OF LEFT FIELD DEPARTMENT “pasebol is Ruining Qur Childean"* . peeeent | SEEING |S BELIEVING DEPARTMENT can Reslewront .....35 "MAD Pieture-Phane Backdrops” =. wd SHOOTING THE GRAND RAFIDS DEPARTMENT “Modern Fueaiture™™ z a 20 SOFT-SELL ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT Another “Future TY A" osc. ce0vegeeeee eee ee 10 ‘YE OLDE HERALDRY DEPARTMENTE “Mad Coots of Arms" eee ce cee Serious ple VITAL FEATURES COATS OF ARMS.....-.......... 2 man recalls the post ond deslans cools of arms for seme fomous modern people In the heraldic tradition, whatever the heck that is ‘WEDDING ALBUM . 6 [EETEAT Here's one wedging album ESSA an cnt Ipc you 10 EOS QE mariage, mainly because No ys I's get pictures token 6 months after the ceremony. MR, SCIENCE Beene Bob & Ray's take-aff on a popular program teaches us @ lesson in science, ond teaches them a lesson in ollowing MAD to print it FUTURE DRIVE.INS ...... 7 article on drive-ins will please the people who: hate to leave their cars, fond will tickle the people whe hate them drive-ins. MODERN FURNITURE ............20 A look of today's extreme furniture designs, where the form follows the func- tien, snd the gullible follows the latest trend. Self-oppoinied expert on juvenile datinqueney soys: “Blininate boreball, end crime!” We say: “Eliminate ail seit-oppointed experts!" TWO CHINESE FELLAS ..........-35 ront and finally get even for all thove sliché gogs, TV GUISE see ee eee a This arficle, abou @ mag: ezine which tells whot's ‘on TY 4@ you can aveid it, Ils what's in the mage: zlae 40 you can avoid that.De Olde Heraldry Departmente “Ia the Middle Ages, when you got rich and famous because you could swing a sword faster and better'n the next guy, you got yourself a coat of arms, Every symbol in your coat of arms meant something. Your coat of arms cold all about yor, .. whether you were cowandly or brave, weak or strong, ignerant or stupid. Below the coat of ‘arms was your family morto, usually in Latin so-nobody would catch wise. Mest coats of arms hung on the walls of old castles, above old fireplaces, next to old bros swords, old paintings and old enemies, Today, hardly anybody who gets rich and fa- ious gets themselves a coat of arms And today, just because hardly anybody docs ic swinging a sword is no cxcuse. So we offer some rich and famous people these... LiberaceCOATS OF ARMS L4 , h oa \ —8t Ge fie & "hie ay Norman Rockwell Alfred E. NeumanNow... MAD POCKET-SIZED BOOKS FIGHT MISERY FOUR WAYS 1. THE MAD READER... _ combats navsea resulting from ordinary reading materi 2. MAD STRIKES BACK... 3. INSIDE: MAD... 4. UTTERLY MAD... Sent: MAD POCKET DEPARTMENT 225 Lafayette Street New York 12, M. ¥. I'm miserable and | want r Sand'ma the bookial I've chacked: No.1 The MAD Reader... 2.0. No. 2MAD Stiker Back... No.3 Inside MAD, Ne A Uieriy MAD, «os, 754 for two $1.00 far thea SEBS forfour ooeo ooo Name. ory rene state axoion ‘The wae of “Axole!” theonshows the fig dag elk sad eno oe ‘with this poem by David MeCord “The Asolo Looks Fiat Like the Gzslot a Drivk « grett More than batt Fil the Ftd Whiskey Boul The food i ea! Beno mort Only mea! Driveite dont Such om anc Firb eo kau! You tid « Popper! Cootinve your campaign against sanity aid may you never grow old a KGUL Radio Grevaville, Texas PHONE NUMBER Sale” a, Th your “Super: Dupes you give Cynthia Ham's pl 35: QU-2-9970. There is no "Q" an dhe hone dia Mel Rosh New York Cicy Te could noc possibly be her telephome umber. There's no "Q" on. the dealt Heeb Savage Chicago, Th That's fureyl There’s oO" on MAD's phone. Wa coll Cynthia all the ime.—Ed. BACK ISSUES. With every onder of $1.00 or mare, wa wil Include © rore Hem, a beatup copy of the HALL OF SHAME Why. if Edge (Monk) Simian bas seven fingers om his eight Band, ddl you Show & plete of a lefe-haad glove wit ‘even fingers om i? Sandea Glaver Shreveport, La Glove shown in picture is left-hand if Edgar bad seven En ers on his righe hand? Mike Hanner Kenilworth, Ii Laft-Hand Glove? ‘You say Edgar has seven fingers on his Yet you show seven fingers sod glove. Why? Jim Rebiason ‘Swareh mote, Pa, tine known fact about Edger (Monk) Simlon le: He war a superstitious ley who ‘lways ware ha glove inside out Ed cowsovs 1 thought she article you published called “The Truth aboot Cambors wa the most moronic, diculous, and untrue suranent cur pubbed What a 72 trying eo do ta todays youth? Stop fig. tBeetacads with these lest Auuy Hollywood, Calf I wich tocompliment MAD and Heary Morpan for theiz superb job in telling “The Truth about Cowboys", 1 feel alll ‘kids should know these face. Keep up the good work! No Addeess Given MAO, Hm, 706, 225 Lafayette SL, RLT 12M,STRANGELY BELIEVE IT ‘You sate that bats have poor eyesight. Sorey yoo. mean “young” bats My cinvlase has excellent vision, aod she's an “old” bat! ‘Cecch Poydence Cleveland, Obio You stated thac Mrs: Resina Busces has aa shape like a peas I's ber Burland who's shapes! like 2 pear’ Are Turtes fe shaped Sammy Crisafalli Sin Jose, Calif es is strana? My jlavavoarn grew a pe of a pear, and 1Be't Shaped like a tomaco! Some somata? Dea Burwood Lat Angeles, Calif J have been totaly, and T know! The ower of Piss does not lean, tre! But ncither de. the peaple of Pisa lean! The ‘rownd in Pisa leans! Jian Reynolds Anniston, Ala. ‘Stangelp Believe 1s Henan K. Youngblood has noe been vied in a square Jenot all these years! ‘The Knot pietured isa “eranay’! Who's head Bor Seour up there! Hand fev your meric badge sash! Sandy Nelson Glea Rack, N. No Square Kner? ‘Any fool cam see Herman is noe square knor, bur a common ex. “granny”. Who's covering op? Wally Kusstan Collingswood, N. J Troop 105, BSA. Its an overband kot! Weren't any of you ‘Boy scoun or would they” et = Jolin Runcie Hapiewoeh NF VENDING MACHINES In the “Auto-Vend’, you show a senall slot under i car wbich says "Lilt out bere Whit | wane to know is, how do you life 4 Caudillac oat of such a stall alae? In fay how do you lift a Cadillac? Harley Loo Los Angcles, Calif Hos would you get = car owe of such a small bole? Ed Sehwaree i. Skok Sa wha told “Future Vending Machi ‘wll be perfect? Ed, took a chance an she mystery sloe in the "WifeO-Mar™ Quick rel me where Tan find a "Devarce Mia Jarnes Briggs Wesport, Conn. Ip your Spring dance, you had an ai ticle da “Vendiag Machines of the P ture’, Where will praspective customers get all che change theyll Sten Gindea Fram a “VendO.Chonge!, noturolly MEd T notice that when you reply co Ie jyou always sign ic "Bd". Wi Tas naene? James Scephens New Port Richey, Fla Sa happens “Ed is ovr los name Our fist ama B "Mowryeurmm 4 HIGH SCHOOL DANCE Tcannae tell you have much [enjoyed your recent article en the “High Schoo! Dance, It was iodeed a witty and bri: Hane piece. I appreciated. immensly an chuckled all the way to the Mayor's Office. But he woulda't baa the magarine. Superintendent of Sehools No Address Given LETTERS DEPT. POTRZEBIE SYSTEM Ar first glance, Don Kmuth's arsil ‘The Posreebie System of Weights and Measures’, made my heart beut 5 keovacs faster, and my teomperarure rige e500 degrees smuriley. However 1 quieted ‘down after cating 2 Baker's MAD piece fof Halavan, washing it down with some fgagne of Padse Red Ribbon (Usrp!) find alceping. che sehole mess of in a ol conzontskis ‘Bob Maron, Sana Monica, Calif Being an orderly bausewife, and of sound mind, T toed the mew “Poceacbie System’ on a favorite recipe, After bak 1B at 16666" smurdley for 30 Rows, 1 fered out one gruach and an eggplzct lover there FOREIGN MOVIES Who _goofed? “The Gi. in Rome scene of Foreign Movies” shows the leans Ing tower of Pisa in the background. iL bet the residents of Pisa will be surprised ta learn that their tower snow in Rome Let's gee on the ball! ae Vince Schommer Haysard, Calif The leaning tower of Pisa is not lo- cated in Rome! Clade! Emory Todd Bala-Cyawyl, Pa Leaning Tower? In "Strangely Believe Ie", you state that the leasing tower of Pisa does not lean. Then, in “Roveign Movies show a taviee an Rome resembling Pi rower, leaning! What's the story? ‘Ted Thompson New Canaan, Conn. Story it: That & not leoning tower of Piso, ‘sbich downit lean; that is leaning lawer of Rome, which dees leenl—Ed, Please all eartéspondiance to: AD, gam 706, Dept. 34, 225 Lofoyete Si Now York 12, New York Tena dronia vacld father ba igh fe preset ed vn taiOH, PROMISE ME_ DEPT. This next article is published 2s a service to all MAD readers who are not yet married, (MAD readers who are already married can reed this article and weep!) Next time your buddy shows you the Souvenir album of photos taken at his wed- ding, and it sterts giving you romantic notions, hold on, Brother! Because we saw one of them albums recently, and it gave us an idea. So we sent MAD's crack photographer, Wally Balloo, out to take some follow.up shots. Here, then, compared to the original pictures, are the ones Balloa took of the same “happy couple”... six months later! Now, maybe yau won't get taken in by that .. Rg a aed El Ue the Gridetoe geting crossed forthe eve her makeup perfect, her rails pa A This is a west albu pic 4 tMe gies wll ravly see er ae this stain nal hall mostly see is his bride as Wally Ballon caught te a eo A ee ee Jed here's her old man bean pestering bar tage cause Nie babydoll’: lensing heme, IV'c a touting pictre, bot soa fall far if Mgcause the woale rouse i: 2set-ap forthe ext bet. caupht by astute Balleg when the old man moves in.tere Yelling in tove thw pai of bright apes. moka vores 2a he sun shiaingHheaugh the back of her hen DING ALBUM DRL ba aac ees Sac Lee Ge sot ol re nd room dashing do tps cl curb neal’ shower of rice thrown Be 4 wedding alban, ba cure olien is what Buna cateht husband dashing conn steps ‘of house beneath shane: of shes throws By screaming wileOTe Lats Pa Bade dae SeedRowe Ma Severe Woe okes(plee chon ody ih A KISSING THE BRIDE... Ewe Lae ee hell ever & that!We'll bo back to MAD in a minute geng. Now, it’s time for the commercial, and yet onother sicken- ing example of whet we're in for if this trend toward clever, hum ues. with this issue's... E TV AD PoreOrr rt tae etBOB & RAY DEPT. Bob Eliott and Ray Goulding (Mutual, 500 PM, EDT) have been delight ing listeners tor years with zany take-otls like “Mary Backstage Noble Wite”,"Wyatt Sturdiey, Frontier Marshall”, “Linda Lavely, Girl Intern”, and other such hilariaus. satirigal gems, Recently they set Madison Avenue on its ehareoa-gray car witt their re: freshing “Marry and Bert Piel” commercials. We at MAD have been listening faithfully to Bob and Ray for years, mainly so we could Shipe their material, But now the jig is up. Here, than, for pay, under their own byline, we present Bot and Ray's own version af . ME. SCIENCE - ‘And now, "The Cumuat Institute of Ame nding —ratian’s youngsters... Mr, Science. As we look in on the yeu 0 eat one, two, three cumquats eveey day, invites You eiodero, well.equipped laboratory today, we sce thac Mr. fo spend another educational session with the idl of the Science's friend, little Jimmy Schwab, is just entering RAY A, there, timmy. You're est in Holy Ned, Mr. Seienee! {Sein wach perform my test Hg What fascinating experi fascinating experiment w |) | ment Rave you picked reader, wal ecanped itor. ta perform today? Great Jumping Jehosaphat, ‘Well, just ty to control yourself, Mr Seteneet ess hardly son. Hw the first piece of equip- wait fo see thai! ment we'll nets to perform fe fxperiment fs this object hereWel, my, (reat day inthe morning, is Mi Seieaeel Wait tl | tell the hiss at sehaol one of thaeat fash bu exe whats eh Hf sical I hemlock, Me. angel sure Pope “he kids al thick |p Lande Gash, We. Science! And what are all Base little sparks Coming out down thare wire the inte goes ita the plug? aWell, don't worry about Gosh aingetout, Mr Science! You sure havel But the sparks ar getting prety big. andthe Bula Fas started to flicker Jiminy Crickets, Mr. Seonce! Ths was @ ‘wonderful experiment, | jest hope | £3n Teal my way aut of the moder, woll-egeipged Iaberatory in the dark.HEALTHY COMPETITION DEPT. How many times have you picked up your favorite newspaper, finished the comics, and then read something like this . . . Atlas Honors Edgar Frimp wsatagen May 100, Edgar | san office boy, and worked | integrity, and faith that a 5 Frimnp, presidont of the At- | his way up to his present| man ean limb to the top by } ins Paper Clip Ca, was hon. | executive position. Sst plain good honest hard q red tiiay for 25 years of | _- When asked the socret of| work z Serve withhiafin inp | his ucts, Fin saids "|" Frimp futher elaborated 2 Slarted with Atlas in 1868 | " "Lowe i€ allt diligence, | on W a 5 Yes, it’s a familiar story. But have you ever asked yourself how it 3 really happens? Everyone is interested in how men like Edgar Frimp : reached the top...so here, in his own words, is Edgar J. Frimp’s . . . ihy fat job with Atlan wes ox an office boy. There wore fly “Next, 1 heord of en opening ot a cloth. I Balled down to 9 choice lather apalicants far the fab, but | won ovt over oll sf them... batwaon me ond this other fellow. worked hord to outshine him..." "Thanks, Dadi PleruRES BY GEORGE WOSPRRIDGE ‘Siduch of my success Vowe to Mins Thelma Héaderihot, whe was head “Mist Mandarshet recagnized ‘my potential immediately, and soon t fof persanael ot the time, Miss Thelma feck aa iniereit In me. ** wos promoted to Chief Clerk. This gave me odsied rexpomibility‘tut I hod my aye on my nest 9 Leenfarred with my supetions fo oeGinn @ Sherpa w heute bythe tide of he rood and hell pete tell ge. KINDLY REMAIN SEATED DEPT. Today, America has taken its place as an Integral part of everyday living. As a consequence, a frightening trend has started. All over the country, estab- Ishments catering exclusively to the motorist are springing up along our roads. Like frinstance THE DRIVE-IN BANK Here, 1 motorist can teansace banking business without ever haying t0 leave hhis Chevrolet cz. And here, 2 crook ‘ean pull off stick-up business without ever having to leave his “getaway” cu THE DRIVE-IN RESTAURANT If youre really hungey, poll in here fase, and a proves car-hop will serve you a fullzourse dinner. If you're feally cheap, pall ant of hese fast, and leave her stuck with that check! THE DRIVE-IN MOVIE Young couples come hese in curs trom miles around co enjoy a few hours of thrills and excitement as movies are flashed on a huge screen. And once ia awhile they even look at the pictuse! MAD predicts that, if this trend continues, materists will novor have to leave their cars af all! (Well... almost never!) Because every luxury and necessity will be available at places like these FUTURE PICTURES BY BOB CLARKE“Alter ity, yous wall THE DRIVE-IN TURKISH BATH A future drive-in, this "reducing" establishment will cater to fat motorists who want to “Sports!” cars, but can't fit inte thom. This service will shrink two bieds with one steam blast. THE DRIVE-IN DENTIST Another innovation will be this future drive-in cimed ct the motorist who suddenly finds himself “down Ithout having to leave his car, he'll be able to get those "donts" fixed. BRIDGES Rl WASHED 4 Ruin, & ee = Hot-rodders out for thrilling * will find more thon they bargained for at this future drive- in, whore the midway barkers off with harns, arid the "Strip-Down Peep Show" is o “must”THE DRIVE-IN MATERNITY HOSPITAL This future drive-in, strategically located between novse and hospital, will be a boon to those expectant mothers whe consistantly manage 10 time the big mament se that it happens in the taxi THE DRIVE-IN DIVE-IN For the ist who rofuses te leave his cor, yet socks relief from the Summer's heat, this fu ‘will provide the answer, If will alzo provide fer his automobile if it con't swim. [Po eute Poo. _| THE DRIVE-IN DRIVE-IN Another service, for the st wha hota: car, will be this future di you drive i ly-morning traffic, yet refuses to leave his ives you'and your cor in... to town. ALFRED & ae - NEUMANs wi AYSHOOTING THE GRAND RAPIDS DEPT. Today, people are “living modern”. They're driving modem cars like “Flight Sweep”, smoking modern cigar- eftes like “L&M™, running up modern debts like “installment Plan” and ending up with modern illnesses like “Flop the Lower Lip’. Here's one craze that’s @ major contributor to today’s MAD mode of living = Prosonted by Sg R-DAVID- Eo. furniture made use of old-fathioned materials genious use of maleri= mes, bulky padding, ond expensive innersprings, 5 jure makes ingenioususe of modern moteriols like eo | Wayieiceseasl Tike drawer-pulls, $9 os not to break up the concealed underneath these... | ‘See whet | mean about RES ret erinterestiee eet eam See eee erent rr aceasta a Cade tthe ee Pichi dewo.ifyewean cleverly answer Veg the problem ofhow to rete out sround thot decorated corner! jf(Slelaraiaemisisy yee “LY Probien is solved by hanging those chairs, cabin = Jip ieee and ether Rasr scatters tram the ceiling \ For people whe are limited fer space, and worl lo ve make cne room info twa, modern furniture hasthe | 2B =! onzwer: the efficient and practical “room divider"...but very impractical {or peaple who have dogs. Here is the modern tree-lamp type. The tree lamp is very practical f who have sagging ceilings or buchling floors... However, people with dags will find thet modern chairs SMH tm fact, modern-tesigned choirs |p, solve the old problem of wear ond teor, Modern-designed slimingte everybody's desire to | chairs elieinate Fido's deaire to lounge on furniture « .« lounge on furniture...FIDO-RE-MI DEPT. Since a recent survey revealed, much to cour surprise, that 25% of our readers are dogs (who find MAD while sniffing around garbage cans), welve prepared this high-class feature exclusively for them. The rest af you readers, skip to the next lowclass feature, which is undoubtedly more on your mental level, & FOR THE DOG WHO HAS EVERYTHING LASSIE CALENDAR CASHMERE BOOTIES ‘Yes, that famous hard-to-get, reveale ing calendar which launched Lassie fon her road co stardom. Mose of these daring calendars were ordered destroyed, bue we've managed (0 lay. our paws on a special loc: One can be yours for $5.50, from Mongeel Novelties, Depe. 8, "Whimper, Tex keeping ied your omes a joyful wn this mono: rammed sucde-covered Bone Book I has spaces for dates, locations, and types of bones. Yours, for $12.50. 24 from Danicl Spanial, Redhcart, Ga, BOOKS FOR BOWSER ‘There's no more thoughtful pift than a book. Your literary-misded ca friends will always appeeciate an a dition to their kenael libeagy. Latest titles include; “Bark or Perish” by FP. Terrier, “My 30 Years ‘Ospltan Annie” by Sandy, and “The Man of the Baskervilles’, by Sir Arthur Conan Poodle. For 2 free catalogue write aconce ro the Golden Beagle Press, Murcville, “Montana No more nasty thorns in your paws wich chess cxthimere boocles Made from Orlon, so- you can wash them ut at night, hang: chem up in your kennel, and wear them the very next day, they're furm-fircing and smug a5 rub. Only $7.95 a pate, From Bt dog-Goodman, Ruffruil, Californ PORTABLE HYDRANT I's absolutely ridiculous co have co roam the sirets for blocks on cald winery evenings, hunting for 2 hy- ig has sturdy, snc in your kennel $25.00. to. Hound House, Tox K, Muzzle, Missourijor mangy kivtens, but real, live All orders should be sent directly to the addresses listed In these jowlwatering desctiplive pera. graphs, since we're not interested fh fleacing* you ourselves. If you ore not fully satified with the merchandise sent to you, our enky advice iz; “Go, bay! Go sic! “em! PICTURES BY MORT DRUCKER wa the Harvard Qik. "Who 2 Yeu may find that one ofOUT OF LEFT FIELD DEPT. WE HERE AT MAD ARE ALL FOR FIGHTING JUVENILE DELINQUENCY. BUT WE ARE FOR FIGHT- ING THIS PROBLEM INTELLIGENTLY AND SCIENTIFICALLY. WE JUST CAN'T TAKE SERIOUSLY THOSE PSEUDO-EXPERTS WHO COME FORWARD FROM TIME TO TIME WITH ARTICLES PRO- CLAIMING CURE-ALLS FOR THIS VAST AND COMPLICATED PROBLEM. ARTICLES LIKE THI BASEBALL IS _RUINING OUR THE BATTER'S function co club, with all of his THE BUNT is another form of bating the bell. The glerer, whe is expected to ¢wing hard at the ball, suddenly is stance in order to top a pitch lightly down In front of the plate, catching his opponent offhguord. Were, our young people learn thal sneaky tectics are oho rewarded . children are like flowers S ry is Hike @ garden, and ou bat bud, grow, and bloom nothing t@ worry bad in a garden soon the stole place flower goes bad in a garden, it But when riawy flowers begin ir something to worry about. Pes will be one aul messt wwenile delinquency ij bad in ow Jagues society. Thousands den. Ie's time we expased fetles! Today, of lowers thdanse Ane ot st Japa "The cause ca be found righe smack in che mide of our garden «on the grass... where chey ply “Bascba For many years, | worked closely with “joventl ed gray, and they ick teay wth them, 1 seudied te thinds enor shel He fed their pockets, And in up with cg same ery one of #Bose quears", Then my hie 6 thee gang, Bur whi children ad been expo “They bud either played it direct exposures sch a3 Record Books", and tl Bubble-Cum Gard Yes, the game of “Baseball” is suring the soil of society's -ganden, rotting our flowering youth, Let me analyze this “game” for Psychological undertones present i Let me expose the this so-called "sport" A SHOESTRING CATCH describes the action of @ player who ‘on otherwik Werthless, shor ng material far thi :, intervicwed hundreds of teen-age delinquents as they lofi Chilir over the U.S. “Fhe evidence was overwhelming!” states Dr. Werthless. aauent child brought into court kad @ past record of cither playing ar watching baseball. by FREDERICK WERTHLESS, M.D. And Iican dothis! After all, ina Psyebiateirt! The very essence of "Bascball” is “hostile aggression’? Take, for gxample, the act of the “batter” i his brute ss ball, with ehe sole pur us he can. The harder inning v0 first base, Rares, mind eal? sm of nine equally "host men, whose purpose ‘desire to reach salety, po ball, and attempt (o felay i the batter eae play and mubkes his decison: Cone ae wate 2. fof the protagonists can be pleased, The ARGU UMPIRE i the usual practice im base: vapre Es Ball Ia player devs not hoppen 10 agree with « decision fe enters into heated discoreement with The arbiter, 19 the paint of nome-celling ond nesethuriking. From this display, Ghildran Tourn that rebellion egeinwd eutherity is occeproble. THE PITCHER uses many deliveries calculated 10 core the elver te mise, These consist of storied fost bolls whith curva, dap and even slide. Then, he uses a complete chant of pace, the so-called “lst-up!” pitch, confusing the bel fand implanting in young minds the evil seeds of deception. ran MR OSST ERR Pay A OLOTL game” should be sttoas and the stadiums curned into king. lows! BREAKING UP THE DOUBLE PLAY, o despicable practice, Consists of o runner's sliding into w base with saikes Righ. The base player, in avaiding these lethal blades, cannot gei feway himse| im Inorns the advantages of dirty facts Bima SrDOCUMENTED CASE-HISTORIES PROVE THAT NORMAL DESIRES TO IMITATE BASEBALL HEROES TURN ORDINARY CHILDREN INTO JUVENILE DELINQUENTS CASE No. 36 a ee IS ie ge 11, a8 broughe into Chil ‘A search of Irving's pockets uncovered the above “Bubble om a charge of having slammed a playmate on the head with Gun Card” showing Ted Williams slamming a baseball with 4 stick. Irving could sor logically explain why he did i. a bat. Obviously this is where young Smedley gor the idea. CASE No. 47 I GET A CLOSER SHAVE WITH A BLUE BLADE TRY ONE! ars SAL (ome name, MAGLIE BROOKLYN DODGERS max prawn Finster, age 9. was arrested by such Subsequent invessigasion, which included a seazch of Sid culprit responsible for a series of crimes in which stray _ney's oom, uncovered a sports magizine with the abuve test animals were found with cheir nacural coats of fur missing monial, Obviously, Sidney atempted t2 emulate his hera (CASE No. 64 ee agings included a copy of the Dod a taining the above picture of Pee Wee Recse artempeing ro steal a base. Obviously, Melvin had cried co ovedo him, 28 Next issue, Dr. Werthloss continues “ gue, Het ‘Melvin Cowznofski, age 12, was apprebtended while arrempr: ing to steal valuable seulpcure from local are museum, He ‘could olfer no explanation for taking dhe Work of Are, . jh the second installment: Juvenile Crime.”Sy > HOLLYWOOD DEPT. 2 ZF cenes We ae Like to SeesAnd note, from the hallowed hath of Inslilules of Higher earning COLLEGIATE ‘Once again, in answer to thousands of requests (from our production always looks for an casy way to fill up two pages), MAD presents produ the creative minds of tomorrow's world leaders now heing trained in Colleges > ge andl Universities all around the country . . . products like these inane cartoons ae whocome these collected examples of... WHIMSYCOMPARISON PROVES DEPT. BNC is siageawsen voce Ty So Be eee oe rergents", or thase"ather lea plain scape", they use for comp: ther nigh, while fot with: Th peder » litele-publiciaed, multi PRODUCT ; For TV Commercials, Inc. MANUFACTURERS OF “ORDINARY ITEMS FOR COMPARISON WITH NAME-BRANDS oducts for TV Commercials, Inc."* manufactures dulling “ordina shampoo used to demonstrate how much cleaner and brighter Halo gets your hair. Another vital item turned out by this little-known company is thet clumsy auto- mobile which doesn't quite make a U-turn ace the Nash Rambler tokes.‘One product slways in big demand is that inferior tire which blows to pieces when it rides over those snikes while the Goodrich Life-Saver holds together. Popular items manufactured by this million-dollar company are the litle "A's!" which take 0 long te get into the bloodstream compared to Bufferin’s "B's".Further checking revealed a subsidiary company of “Products Fer TV Cemmercials, Inc.”, namely PROPS For TV Commercials, Inc. MANUFACTURERS OF DEMONSTRATION GIMMICKSORSON BEAN DEPT. You know how when people go to\é\""Chinese- Restaurant’, they al- Bee a eee ne. gee es torre etree Peres Meee are eet eee /SORSON BEAN'S BaD Ce eR eaYou know... speaking of Ameri Udon’t think so, either! Notionelist Army! can giel.._lolways wonder... Thet old army story! Mine say, “You-will ‘What yours say? "Help «. i # meat bleck-haired Loma prisoner in Hershey Bar with i girl” Whar else? Hershey, Pennsylvanial""? Inside, We 0 = very delicious. Bvt... no matter how much you eat .. half hour later... you hungry again!! OS You know. «it funny thing about American food! American food JLITTLE SQUIRT DEPT. Hey, remember how, back when we were kids, we were always having contests? Like who could bellywhop the furthest down the hill—without a sled—when there wasn't any snow? And who could collect the most soda bottle tops—with the soda bottles still attached? Harmless little competitions like that? Well, in this next article, MAD's maddest artist, Don Martin, recalls the only contest he ever won when he was a kid: “spitball contest ART AND CONTINUITY BY DON MARTIN 2 :GO AX THE OL’ CABLE DEPT. When TV first appeared on the American scene, the big brass of the publishing industry sadly predicted the downfall of magazines. Now that a certain pocket-sized magazine has appeared on the American scene, the big brass of the TV industry are sadly predict- ing the downfall of television. Because who is ganna watch televisien after reading ... + oF 1.0, 19-26 LOCAL PROGRAM LISTINGS FOR THE WEAK Exposed! Edward R- Murrow Does Not smokel wre iat hates those reaUn a BS jor the cigarettes 1or eerl-see Page 8 For the best possible reaction to this article, our advice is: skip to the next article. However, if you insist upon reading this one, x before you turn the page, you'll have fo turn the magazine sideway>™ gy ‘ke thirevede: wieoucow wien (HMO MIN -2OMIOIAL ALasin AL ‘4 wigje09 pyeuay FM 029) SDH VO“; amOD “7D “rAMORYL PETRIE UO 'asbly HOHE youd fuau eu Jo uy BO? E100 NHOP 13 ‘RE usin) NISSSL¥DIISO IVS. SHLMOVLLY S3HO¥EN,, (LD Wd 00° 3H fa 5¥9 SVL, ‘ ious aun 3sin9 AL r anna? ANT HL ua HL. in Wa oo No HOIH S139 Nvzue rainy cs sao 8 MODS SHA IY 3¥0 SAMUS JAINS BAL, 12) Wa 90er AvONNS. _STal9 133 SADE AWSINO8PT a ed ano a ule ~3uH ax¥ OA 009 ERInEnE! uo amg osu = 21¥830 anv — NDISBULY 40 $3310 3H ED o0°< eg ay ANd Say 374034 BI 0018 te anne seduiey segey eaeyy usLNS 12 9d IHU RF A ar 2m CAH ary ey smissny uy way doy 6, 00g uy TASIHL Bog gaasy NAB cee 0 drguras y sanomsay ae —ehawnoa THyB3sve wd Avaunivs ¥ 40s siAon © anna Ac 9 wane 1 aoraas Ocoee hea abi a dard anyon —a01N0Y SALNWaED, eed aL ORY 3G 00-07 dag. ew Fam wakYaHL SHMOTIO B66 ‘saluanang™ gutyaa9 0 ‘00% p2 pat 9 on saad au Sara peg "esoph R, 9 iy ean ‘aalvd Sa he ONINXOW AVaUnlvssine AL p9 Alb Blt gee gary netaus. sautsng aig wy teeny dunzis genie op Be pau sonuaay Pal Wis SANIT caamoyy 1 ue mows ys0Uy 3) 2p ENE 4 Laine pod 00 os hagen sevens Suraa Ona EB 001 ows3nd ton0+9s Hsnysa3s eres PA = OHS NOLLAD aiove 318 sing AL dOHS Uivase AL ANOA Hy OIG UD ayriNst naw cura anois wvinaome wasoleres0 ary, 08 SOUVI-LHDIS aWOd AL S.WA90I378S0. aaah MOA JWIL ware su sis07 BM ¥OU 139 NOs ONILLMY iTWUNLVN AINO S/ii 43NOD OHIMNA 40 TIMML AML SH GAL HLM 03408 86TS 9¥4 LeaH Ho simainoa eeu = NOHATTAL LNWID ‘eh tae x Samuneanay vos haHvas 8 009 AvaunilvsSEEING IS BELIEVING DEPT. PICTURE-PHONE BACKDROPS adles cleverly cenverted into: FOOL YOUR WIFE... Sorry, Dear! I'm-stuck here ‘ot the office agoin tonight! bother ta wait up. joday, J.B. Bi Got a bod cold! The dacsays! FP should stay right here in bed «.Panera ce me ice) e b Don't be silly, Velde! What could possibly happen vp herein my portent with this gang around? bbur-os you con well see, he place upside downHOLLYWOOD DEPT. Scenes We'd Like to See 4LOOK MAD! FEEL MAD! BE MAD! BE THE ENVY OF YOUR FRIENDS AND THE TALK OF YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD! WEAR CUSTOM-MADE MAD JEWELRY Featuring MAD’s “What. ..Me Worry?” Kid Reo! no-kidding honest-to-goodness stunning jawelry, styled excusively for MAD mogezine by ASTRAHAN of N.Y. in gleoming silver plate. All prices include Federol Excise Taxes, boxing, shipping, and postage prepaid. #1 MAD LAPEL/SCATTER PIN MAD CUFF LINKS Cp MAD LAPEL/SOATIERPM..82.00 C] Has aD TEP AEWELRY! GEO. MAD CUTE LINE son 83.00 EJ AL. MAD KEY CHUM. $2.00 125 Lafuente stieet "i (©. MAD CHARM BRACELET...$2.00 1] New York ity 12, N.Y. UNM Ew Buh me the places of MAD Jewaley | hve checked today. new ADDRESS, youre ail vader te soall of eet 11 hove enelosed erry ETAT.GET EVEN WITH FRIENDS WHO SEND PICTURE POSTCARDS! SEND BACK THESE... MAD EICECRS POSTCARDS