This new magazine is vital for you to read and in- side you will find an extremely im- portant message from the editors ™HEADACHE? COLD MISERY? Why wait for old-fashioned cole relief? Go Kill yourself! GET FASTER PAIN RELIEF WITH BOFFORIN Acts twice as fast, Won't upset your gaskets! ‘up through them Fonards aiid lights wp the little lights ring the little bells, and switches the tele switches and turns the litte dials (they fou which way is North), 111 bot Tiebe tights jour head. pout how Boar ets inside thave pipes andl valves, Better stil, ask your own pikimber is Seelinwe ‘Ak YOUR PLUMBER ABOUT Berson {OTE: THOUSANDS have switched! fram rust preventer to BOFFORIN.el | ME EA = extremely im- portant message from the editors EP please buy | | this magazine SI I eee a ae eT a fl eed |Keesha She bafgible ee eta Cg UNGE INTO your local Cee artes sda Rue ee Peet ee ie meat Roce ares CCHe rue crater: Ceri eess ee RT eK ery ketal attr bd x xe xe x Eid * EEE REE eae eee eee ee eee ae * HUMOR IN A JUGULAR VE JULY 1955 EB 6 Woaww.canes, couse EO BS STAFF CONTENTS LASHES DEFT. Tom Seite EminKowes 47 cae oF. Who pac the Sicha Mes Murphy's Husband? &.ShieCUl....33 po MT youssar per. You can Jock Darts. 38 EDUCATION DEPT. How to get the jab you want by thinking. ate... Roger Price 49 resarune or Gc ofthe Frying Pan i aod iewo the Soup... tra Woltoth 17 Een ierpLaoa HOVIEDEPT. nen Mass Cree Jock Davie 52 ‘News o#Fr Taside Russia ws NEWSPAPER COMICS DEPT... Comics Digest bil Eider 20 PuIZLE DEFT, 2 Picroquiz deck Bovis 2 SCIENCE DEFT. Trip tothe Mooa Wrollace Wood... 4 SPORTS DEFT, wreesling dock Bart 20 TY, DEFT, “ls This Your Lite? 2 CONTRIBUTORS FE hee waning PHIEE, “Amongst avr contributors in this issuc are: Reger Peice the man wha has made *Droodles” a byeword an the American scene, As well as contributing an article, ‘Roger has been very helpful in advising us on scacalogical avoidism and like tha So watch out, Bernard Shir-Cliff, (sce pages 32-34) as well as being an author, isnighe cable dia Ballarine Boks, bles of he MAD Reads, (33638 Sai GEOR yourneighbachood newsstand, cheap, {the whole MAD operatinn is one complex Nad Jule JIS old No. ik BAGG BE | Insidious cartel ]) Eenie Kovacs, author of ous Tom Switfc piece has conducted fee suas New Ferg AUF enced ac seceed | variqus zany east coast television shows wihich we have warched faithfully in the 3. "Epe: | incezests of enjoyment and mainly ta steal material, Readers of Ira Wallach par- Teed 222 | ody will be happy co note that we're running an article of his and all we have co a say is...Don't be so happy, ceaders, the article isa reprint and you've probably read you haven't scca any of Wallach’s work yet, by all Sein roeans eusn t0 Oar of the Frying Pan and into the Soup. (Pages 17-19) 3IT dreamed I walked down 5th. Avenue in my ironmaidenfit wrote fantastic, droam ,., and when! wake... dashed right dewnown... Ta buy ‘nother ronmaidenin you soy... No | dashed right downtown 10 censalt my peyehion Irst about helping me to stop having sueh LETTERS DEPT. As mony ef you readers do not know (we treat fore many of you new ‘a1 a camic book and hes hed unique kind of success te Ing to thie presint fo Therefore, wo are ‘ovr letter column jh mail currently being re- ceived on the old and now defunct MAD med, Firse and foremose might 1 say thar Tm glad glad gad thie MAD is expanding © a0 “adult magazine,” as, being 3 young adule myself Ceallege Seyle) W feel slip -..pawing through Caatie book depart eats looking for the latese MAD. a ‘Whine, Ue T am very diseppoinced in you. Why in the world are yau Stopping your Publicatioas of MAD?.. Allen Lukacs, At: cola, LT, NY. NO NONO NO NONO NONONONONONONO NO NONONO NO, FED. UPED,N.Y,N-Y. MAD unit che cows came home Yesterday 1 read the latest copy. Brother, the cows scarie howe! Im dic, fat Brat place, Im getting sick of your stupid waktoll A good ext ample of my sudden cause for hisea was the ative (THE Karchapalhommee Kids). For yeats, American youth has relied on these litte devil ‘a provide healthy material for theirdelinquentescapades.Out feotire socal stroeture fs thteat™ ‘ened when we laugh ac the ‘most endeared juvenile deline atchandhameer Kids) have 1 place in our newspapers that is respected by some of oor most natable racketcets, henich- mea and criminale, They are the foundation of our under world, Remove them aad po. Ticemen, distrier attorneys, judges aod all other men of the law would hve their very fabs threatens Sergeant Preston (No Address) 1 dug the cover on MAD #23, and afte thinking sbace fa 1 decided Td better nor waste time reading the mag Richard Bathe, Dallas, Tos MAD fase 23 Stayed up all night wonder ing how you gor the tide jopo Gessum'" (MAD Tasue 3). Ie nally dawned oa me Ie just “Mussog Opog” back: wards. P. Rechler, Bklyn. Gope Gosum ‘You have gone too fae. fe wat okay when you satiieed McCarthy, Tews okay. when you satirized Seperman and Copeain Marvel. woulda'e ‘even mind if you wrowe a story ‘denouncing Molly Pitcher az 4 fh amendment communis, ‘or even if you wrote an « torlal claiming that one ofRoger Price's vial messages sas teally insigntficanc. Bot ‘then you wrote a story sai ining Pogo, you went too far. ‘Yo has teppedl outer fom lime of de bounds of husmen eccncy. Frank Jone, Lehigh niversty, Bettlebern, Pa 1 liked ECs... Special An Issue, What wane to Kknaw as—"Who is Art? Stove Skeates, Fuirport, N.Y. will noe waste time extra polating exrancous cicero Eution. Twill come Highe 1 he point, "This leer it in refercoce ta the wond "Potrechie," The deplosable way ia which it is being treated is not very com ducive to slumber, good health, a peace of mind. My complaint centers around, the Tactoe that has manifested self 0 annoyingly since "Pot reebie began to fre the hearts of young people all over ‘Ametiea, ‘Thos factor lies im the promanciaéon of "Pot. fuebie” America... says Potrecic" as if ie were writ- ten “Potcizebie'! There is no ven othe fa at pronounced; Americas youth Brascnly and unconceraedly inserts a shockingly articulate are "t" sound afver the """ ST propore the following plaa: change the order of the Fe" and “in “Porasbie” «0 2° and “t', thus making che ‘word Porztebie'” This has the bsious advantage af vietaally Sncoerapeible pronunciation ‘and i nor losiag at adding to any of the word's letters, all is inerinsic values ill be te tamed 2S dy New York New York, Potrzebie Fearsbie Eoclosed please find $8.50 foc Big Bang Canaon and $1.98 Fat wand of gree shot fearh Big Bang Cannon baal 4" in diametcr) as advere tisel in MAD, Please srood fonder singe I wane to wipe oat fs 5 Lalay Tut's bloody sorath cheouslt theen. Malvina Brewster, N.Y. Replying te the ade in your Mad ‘comic, The March lat edition. You had all different things tn send for. 1 wanted to send for ave epoca ‘Them just the other day 1 got amy leeter back and it ail there Erno sech pest office ih state named Si oC Dene, 98 Could yo te ig on. Robert Wiegand, She. bospan, Wisconsi, Tam writing you, the MAD itor, to sead you a new ex preston, (nein seven) come monly used throughour cur fait. neighborhood -.. This ‘ward, (nein seven) az should Tuy tao words, is one of our ‘eory social remarks... . From past editions of your mag we have aoticed the word nein ‘whieh in German means 90 J by lengthening ics mean ing we changed it waar, noae nothings Now we... take 2 which ie og ‘As you know “good” beg swith "g" 30 we shortened the ‘word good to seven. By adding eig and seven you get nein seven which means not g This expremion .. 1s you sce ‘canbe very sel David Kere a Keany Fi Diego 9, Calif Sioc | am fan of roe thin eggene co tike wool brillant iden foc oe Ba, your pene you doa't Wh orie,ade, covers and fvoed would ir this Tike crc je strain (who should be {ia no one because avoided : ‘ York 12, New ¥« NO ODOR noeratas | NO STAIN hogan fanoy aes neers Are you eyer Lovely to Love? (Gagged ot underarns. Th eo ey body ill kraw hat you ee love love. WHEN YOU USE MMBOY, INSTEAD OF “HOO BOY." HE'LL SAY “NGOGNGOGNGO”ye ae) See Ty Sem eo ete ae Fi wha away Sa en Paerernctierer ts Cre cr rnts Ear vere Television Reom, Powerful tele- Dea ee sr Pre eee 4 Cnet kg instance Jackie Gleason Show, pea al i Cac eam ie Eira Met Poe eer poker game going on in the back. esti eed aes Pas ee ey Rd ee ea Breiner eT Cr a Ty ee oes ass Cees ad pe ered Ea om ee c LOS ae eres Aue ty Caras De Gea ed Ce emery Commanding Otlicer's quarters Powerplant. Heart of rocket eerste hk " Pelee pets ie Pores Beary act Ser ce Cy(sATripToThe Moon Possible? DRX. FLINE SAUCER CAPT. BUCK ROGER MELVIN COZNOWSKI COMMOR TORK ARGH SCIENTISTS ANSWER IN LIGHT OF POSITIVE PROOF OF MAN'S CONQUEST OF FLIGHT AND EVIDENCE OF MAN'S ABILITY TO EXPLORE OUTER SPACE: IN OTHER WORDS...NO! SHIP ABOUT TO BLAST OFF NOTE SLOW BURNING FUSE nue a trip to st posible, bus somesime ite posible. Ia ing question, ‘together foar of the Jeading. auchocities an space wavel; ve they Tike ie Que expents were 2 ‘what a trip co the moon mighs lokInside the spacesship, feverish preparations are taking The crew needs of place sight up eill the very last minute. Khakt-clad agren- will come into play, because of great strains their bodies Honcs sre busily strapping the crew into their places. must take, but mainly because they just don't want £0 go! Is What hopes Wrong rockee! Rocker is dif. rocker; a streak of fire ferent rocker. That's 4eh of ky. mounting into a purple void, - ops! July rocker, nor our saceet.@ Our rocket, above, finally blast of seraight up, the ter- We'll meet it coming ‘raus sain below rapidly shri soportions, The contours cake shape; the far ‘moon sinks inco the ocean as ic deops aver the horizon, strange mainly because we Sr me (mee IO to take our Complete in every dss... yes indeed. Why now you can see fe a huge those straight latirde and loagicade lines that you always in your geography book. see in your geography book, The heavy one is the equator. =e @ By George, we're bearings. As ‘map that you Here's proof. of Jumbus; Ni Ps see itil yourake a bath, the wares will, in all p out rnis floating all float ae of the bathecub in a great big glob, and. you ore, dont rake baths! leat with it. And if you cant swim out, you'll drowa! ty icoming a condition of By George, we nearly Jocities that are furehe biggest problem...that of sui y tesisting and aver tational attraction... In while telescoping “legs” ae extended. This assures the rocket a dim footing, Cue These legs terminate in swivelled feet however the surface is that snr enabling’ legs to rexe on any surface, the rockec coming down upon. For this purpose a very clever anism is pur into use, We position and back dawn slow uNEWS DEPT. Report From Russia exclusive report from rom Coreain te pic aH wl perhaps ‘eb into the seam frarkags sf the Riven minds ea etter understanding of the Rus eaple, Ven atte. jou ture will Ecestand Ruslan people march bet et you road the following artes ‘Buza0 Rorxa-To Ha eweTe aRAyUENTS Hath enoes MX coxaTIROD. Bee OWE Great cxamambaon ORO! aTepH — crapolt oxomnynoll auc — 1, A29MIT, UpANOAIANCH pyc APYTY eae ay ‘ouam ueK pal panne na nurene, TpYAb KOAWCO, AYTAMP Kpacm city. Yygo sto 3a entaariece Onn seam, wev qnauATE ATH, B xnprounok xopoGxe, Db nel Guise Teo at reeHO. Ho OT OXEASERM RO OTP le — AX, O10nmiMe coagaTiea! — AoRpIAA areM.KRA ABI WOT Paqoemm saxsomaa we aaqoaE, Euy rogapiian exons HX COTATUNOB Neus eno oun xen Maauaine cefteac we hpiwercn paccraeucre HORAN coaRaTERON hn evoae, pagan. e- mupe coaxaTaga Gian eonepinento etuTiai~ BME, a XRAQLATE Nuteieh coatarts Gia o,KoHO ruil, Ero orammaan no- eaenamy, orm He: MHowRO' Me —-xnartao, Tupoves, o# 1 sa oxo nore roa Tak me ‘TeEpAD, Fak apyTe Wa auys, | Bor'e oruu-r0 cOdtaTERON Mt mpoHat- mm saxewnTexsia KETOPILA, ROTOPYD 8 BAN celiac pacemay. ‘Mo croze, rye naa0- WR paceTaBES cRaHy cONMATURON, OaLIO MH TD ORME arpyniex. Ho apie ucex ETpymtex Gua ysaecinit KApToRe iat open. Cuyoake oro lesbo omKA Gam mu ce RownaTi. Tepe cai anopnon 3S aesao aepsambue, Quo NAOT OR AS AON NORE 16 THIS 15, WaTEH BUS WATCH ‘everyhady's pleasure by getsetly wi Guaw coneex KAR nactoaniee onepo, 1M BORpYT ovoRD sePRATUAOTO cac}a eo ePEBRHAAEE NOeraMNE cro mnzcubant teadaue jepems. — Ho aepy AuBaaH aDeKOEWE JeAEMK Hy uraya {aKEMue mtey, GORATH pou oTpaicentten Te 0 Giaad apexpacn, no poee ro smace Gua jexyToR, CrONBILA A fia mopore p IMPOR pac pstvis aa Bax jnopua. Oka Guan Tore wipe ean 3 waprona; wa WeR GHida roboxa i TeMKoTO GazcTa, aa Tue se rorsdof map aL ui rpyam Gaecramaa Opoutka, Takia Gor nia, Ka roxba. cai ean NOeUBHE CTORIE a MOM oak se, iieragya pyRn, — ola Guz Tae sowaqtel, pyre ory ona, moar a TAR MMCDRO, 0 HAE OOM cuataTMe contew ne aaMeri sol Hatem RagpMAS, AD pean TH ‘xb oqKONOFas, Hast Mow CaM, Ror Gua sake Tuspw aeny! — m0- ayMax osommmmit comaarie. — Ja Toanao ta ELBEPAO, SMATHARD pO NIAAA APACE RIENCE CEE ie tebtnoper shone, Te rng costars ao everybody's telepboa lapperphoners pre everywhesy thise’ days itbters. THIS 1s. abet tel WATEHING: @ rephar FR mms mow? = SAO ACCC ALU PIERSON TOMO K ‘4a. Baw 9 Ramone mpexpaciox gnopie enpér. A Yon ox — uporrig RD pobea, an euuB abirgacn wae Bary Kopodky ueawx anata tam. eat- aur. He, eft Tax: ne necro! Ho 10- TuawouiTacn 6 Het nce ice me wea er, Ty cosanrux upesanaea sa TaGaKep- xo, nmopaq chapan 131 36@ Ha ero xe. OT¢m.R Ol OTAWNSHO HER UpE- aeerayi Taanonugtty Tlosak nevepox Boex anonaumex eox4amia0y, space axuoworora = er ‘Tak WoRe MOPAH walla, — yaomian 2 Kooy, at poe aweuit AoMe eran cam, I box, xoraa maeTynmaa “3- nie, mrpymren ean craxn Arpars Torn, B ROBAS, Hows yerpauan Gas, QnomsmiMe corgaTIKE ey4a~ {HH cweusut sopodan —— ax Tome ‘ROTC BATH WOHTPATh, Na Hiei ie Moran upuaneuaeh Mplaingy. Jace MeARyIE Opiate SyoupROTACa, fe rpuibeab mower uancats 0 rp therwof jocke. Mogmaca takat ya Tan, TO fe RETR PHCNAACL Kal Bapetina 1 Toso 9aT0B0- pga, xa parow em origi. Tossa coagarue 1 ‘rARoonUMa Re XBaTa- Heb ¢ Mesto. Ona uo- Iipeseneyy emoeaa sa oy- oft wosree, maNCHTD py rw snepéx, a on ancmiaz © pyeON WP HAK, Bak Macono, a ne eBeqEd rug ¢.Rpacamman, Mpoorao jeemaqnare Wi aapRr — mea! — puckplizice ragaxepea B oroll TaGaxepne u- axe mugoraa He xep ily cea well ‘emskutt sepriuos. On hucrouss ia raGanep- Bit HL OTIABY.ICH RPYTON. — 9, oxgeaumuat cos ununk-— pear 4ep- wens, — Yero me yo- yaniiiea wa wees? Ona cammenxc —xnpoata < Ata se, Ho eaonmnamn cosa THR apwTaopraes, 63%- ‘0 mmeTa Me caMTEH — Bot mi kag | — eke TANK,Out of the Frying Pan and into the Soup THE FIRST PART OF A \& PART NOVEL ABOUT THE AUTHOR Emneit Heminghow, eutbor of "For Who the Bell Tolls?” ete, ie kmotew and paferedthenrerla cota et ne writing, tn the fol lowing novel, yorrsill once mre ba feccncted by the ase weoeee Hemingbaw Hyfe the gat-erippin Hennpbawr detton. Oni Onetrouble,Felowiagnovel interltten by EU WALTACH “PAPPA' HEMINGHAW He filled the morear with grapeshet and waited in the shooting can. He could hear the whir of snipe wings in the ‘prediwa light. Then a pair of snipe came in from the accan, ‘ene malland and one gibatdine flying in fortnation, He ‘aired tll they were directly overhead. His hand was sieady ‘on the mortar and he knew he was shooting as well as ever. He red, The mallard aod the gabardine made a balf ture, then dropped into. the marsh. He could hear che splash and he watched with satisfaction as the dog, see out through the marshes to retrieve. The grapeshot had also broughe down one sparrow, one cormerom, and a B36, The shooter packed up che mortar, 1 can sill shoot, he thoughe, and shoot like T did when [was sweaty or thirty, shoot as good as any uniformed civilian in the platoon. He sarved ro get sore at those who eeuldn’s shooe as well, but ‘hen he said co himseif this was a wonderful shoot: ve gat ta keep ir whole and true. I can't le anything spoil it He was siaty and a Private First Class in the Army of the United States, bur he had been a. corporal and he had hind two hemispheres shoc from under him, not that he didn’t know he was going 20 lose them, but they said go in with the hemisphezes, and he went in with the two Ihemispheres because he was a soldier and that was what he ‘was supposed co do, And now he was sixty and a Priva First Glass in the Army of the United Seares, and ie didn'c look as though he would live to be a eoeporal again, ‘The driver reached the outskirts of Paris The Pfe slumped Copgrigie 1931 by tea Wallac 18 in the rear of the Hmousine, his trench coat collar high about hiis face as they crossed the river, blue-green as rivers are in Wisconsin, Here we are. sir,” said the deiver Shut your goddam mouth and talk whea you'te told ta tall.” He was sixcy and he was Private First Class the Army of the Unieed States I shouldn't have said that, he thowghe. I've got e hang on to my temper. "You like Hpac db pia ere oan oS "T don’ like co lose anybody,” said che driver. They pulled up ia frone of the hocel, ‘The Pfc dismisted the driver and talked into the bar. Picere embraced him. Pierre wore a paper clipon his lapel. Trotter Shiker” tid the Pls, joyfully seizing Piewe by the shoulders and shaking him. “The Pfc shined his own paper clip. The Skifeers were a sort of unoficial club for ‘mea who loved the infanty, “The Pfc looked out the window at dhe ketel’s lawn, It ‘wat wide, expansive, flanked by a hedgerow, with evo Knolls making high points. “Piette.” he said, "If you weee in com mand of two men charged with policing this arca, what vould you do?” Pieere hesitated. Me had never been a Pfc, and he was ‘unfamiliar with milieary problems chac encompassed more than bed-making. "Td stare on the fark and take thar first knoll." ‘The Pfc smiled grimly. He knew that the first knoll would fall of its own weight. The way (0 do it wis to ‘work from the flank outward, bypass the knoll, come up, around the second knoll, driving hard and sue, taking che “Toose paper up with the butts, just ax he had done when hhe-was in Fort Brags. ‘Where's Mignonette?” he asked, Pierre's voice softened. “Over at La Chienne Morte: lone?” Tl call" said Pierre, picking up the phone. He spoke a few minutes, then hung up, “She's there,” he said, “But, Phe There-are people with her Yes, thereare people with h ‘She is not alone,” said the Phe sid Pierre"No. She is not alone, There are people with hee” Pierte locked away. He loved them both, the Pfc and Mignonette The Pie drank a ° The hell with the silies, he thought, and the Till with the bicers, and che alives and the stupids. He thoughe of the deads, and the deads, he thought, wete better than the alives and che stupids, 204 the wete every bit as goed asthe bitters, 100, . "Bring me some Citroaella "16 from the ask," he said re saved it foe you, Mon Pfc,” said Pierre. He went to the cellar and got it, and the Pfc sit there, waiting for Mignooere to be alone, and drinking the true Cicronell, a silky wine, not a grand wine, bue a good true honest wine and a brave ane, aid aoc a soiveling cowsrdly wine, devious and untrue then the phone rang, and Pierre answered fc He wcned ‘quietly and said, "I's allright sow, Mon Pfc. She is alone.” “The Pfc put a cask of Citronella ja. his shire and slipped anay. He walked along the streets where che rain fell always. and ie was falling voday like ic had fallen shar day when hhe was 2 corporal, and the raking fire cune dow, and he dose the hemispliete because somebody said go, and be wear ‘becuse he was a soldier and a corporal in the Army of the United States. He passed the little camer shop with the hams in the window, and the Spam, and the Wheaties, and the Brillo, and the Farina, and two mops with beight new handles, and a row of Keechup, steaight-standing honest ‘ketchup. Then he reached Le Chiennie Morte and stopped aac the Bar fora whiskey collins. After he wok a sip he corned and save ber ata camer cable “She was ell for her age, and fresh, with a young unspoiled beauty anda hint of a bust development. She wore her confirmation bouguet boldly, asd when she lughed her Lughter spilled dawn over her pinafore and you looked ac her Kneeleagth socks and you could feel your hexre ‘breaking as you looked, The Pfc strade aver, “Hello” he mutmured, siting dawn next t0 ber, He rook her hands inbis Yim socry I'm late, grandpop.” she murmured. “Tell me all nbout your tacieal and srsegie eoacusions concetning the Second World War. I want em share everything with Tell hee whae? About the deads and the alives, or the time outside Brigg be outflanked the CO, and sneaked back after bed-check, nr che bloody fighe up she hill co the USO. Club where be lest his whole contingenr because the chapliin, who had never delivered a sermon in anger, said icwould be a good show? ‘Do you love me?” bse asked, changing the subject, “Tlove you.” she said “Lee mé see your profile,” be said. “Whereis it?” she asked, simply *On the side of your face,” he "You kaow so stich, geandpo you're so wise and kind” "E love you true" he said. “I love you straight. 1 love yout honest Hove you sincere” ‘They exch had a double Martini. "Ic is necessary t0 say," he continued, “that I have seen many lovelies in my time. Bur you are the loveliest of the lovelies. And now, let us driak soebe of the crue Citranella and stop this ralking and love each othe. Then we shall go ou He poured two more glasses of Citronella from the cask She lifted her glass and drank it seaight and decent, without making 1 show of it, but putting it right into her mouth fand leving ie drain down to hee true intestines. He watched id, turning her bead. "she whispered. "And Tee “Tove you whatever that is,"he seid. “Tlove you whatever that ig,"she answered, "You are shine whatever that is,” he sid. "My only mine, my real mine.” Tam your rcal mine and you are ayy seal mine,” she ic, "whatever thar is. ‘They walked our, taking a new cask of Cieronelia with them, They walked unel they reached che river. (On the sutface of the river an old telephone booth floated by. The Pfe took her by the arm and led her to the bank ff the river. Then he reitieved che relephone Booth wich a Tong pole. He opened the daor. She gne én, Thea he gave 4 sirong push and jumped in after her, closing the door behind them, They Hosted along. They lay together under an. old copy of Le Tempr. He tucked headline under his, chia "You're crushing my confirmation bouquet, ered she whis- “Love you,” he answered. ‘You are my geod, my ru A voice sid, "Five cents for the next five minutes, please’ They ignored i ‘You are my shoet, my tall" Dont ers thiak of anything “Allright. Nothing Lee's nor ‘The phone booth foared under a bridge. Above chem ‘he evening sun shone through the panes of the door. He put his foot through the classified ads as he writhed in ‘sweet desperatica ‘We're home, popy” she sti ‘The phone booth pulled up ar the hotel. They got our squicily in the steect whefe me moon shone always, and they walked hand in hand until they cassie €0-his room. ‘She sat on the edge of the bed. "Dees jour bridgewark bore noe?" she asked "Noy" he licd. Ie always hurt, and he loved the hurt hrecause he loved all scars and all pain and all che marks that men carry with chem if they ace men who have slugged it ut and taken ig, and given ic if they had it in them to give “lave ity she said “Llove it betsuse it's yours and ie hurss” she whispered. He slipped her the cemporary bridge and verned ame She set there foadling the bridges and holding it wo her cheek. "Tk makes me feel sod and glad ard unhappy and Tee ie because if yours’ “Love you," he said, as his gums slapped. “Give me my teeth and leeme po." She kissed him crue and fcree and frm and honest. He got up and lft The cat ah Pamplona," he "ea? said the driver "Yes sin” said the Phe "Yes, sr” amended the driver, “Would you like 10 lose Laure? “Don't give me any of your Fea Filippo Lippi” said the Plc Ta he back seat the Pfc thoughe about the shoot Behind im the aullines of Paris faded. Morosely, be shined his paper clip. He fied handled the morar well and alshough hee didn't get mapy snipe, he gue them the way he liked 1 eet them, And he had suid geodbye to Mignooesce and this Was his last love and that wast “The hell with the fats and de thins our af Paris. “Take the next left corm id to the driver. 19Sa! MANY ARTICLES HAVE BEEN WRITTEN AGAINST THIS RED BLOODED SPORT. HOWEVER WE INTEND TO SHOW THE VIRTUES OF THIS RED BLOODED SPORT. -THIS GOOD AND RED BLOODED SPORT: PROFESSIONAL ..- WRESTLING ‘You have by nove no doube read one of the many magazine articles which tell you thos professional wrestling is bunk. Tr is with these fea! articles thar we come to grips, and sie hope this will break she Bold of these writings as we pin down our evidence. Speaking for eurselves, we have found professional wrestling to be a fine upstanding spore, ranking alongside of the most reputable of the spectator sports, with ail the skill and athletic prowess present that is evinced in the more popular gaebes. We found this owe the cher night when we attended our fixe wrestling match, ‘The day of our assigament co cover the wrestling matches had been fairly tying We had bad a minor lide old silly disagreement with our publisher and boss. (of course, com ceming the disagreement, aur boss was absolutely in the right and we were carpletely and foolishly in the wrong) In any cate, we were in not too good 1 mood at he wrestling marches and the point of explaining all this is 10 show you that when we went to the wresing matches, we were Prepazed to criticize and sneer at anything because of our fare of mind. Well, in spite of our bad temper and all, the very fire match changed our mood cnticely. Oue problems of the day vanished immediately a5 we watched in fascination the shill and athletic prowess thar was evinced by che first wo contestants, We lound it very exciting to sce che first wa soe an usher's eye view af the good old red.blooded ‘wrestling fans as they sit in the gallery drinking beer, blow: i horns, grinding sirens, and shouting quaint folksy ex wssions the farinstance "IN| him!" and “Tear bis arm eff! (who looked like Tarzan) seillfally grapple the second contestant, (who, a5 a point of interest, by the serangest coincidence, looked! exasily lke our best). And wwhae was even more thrilling was when the first contestant eftly delivered a terrific foresatma ebop to the secand con Testant (who sure looked exactly like our bone). He thea followed up with a crushing drop kick to the back of the neck of the opponent who looked like our boss. But the best part was when le jumped up and down with both feet on the Stomach of the bose opponent and then he gave that boss a Kick in he head and threw that retten no-goed bur boss out ofthe ring So you sce what we mean when we say professional wres: dling ts fine, upseanding sport? See how its a macter of skill whe you enjoy? He's all skill... That's all... Skill. Sell br be skilled! We recommend everyone should by all means Bo one night a week to warch this killing Anyhow, back co these wrestling matches. Oa the ing pages, we shall atrcmpe to show you with the bi scenes from the contests, what professional wrestling is like Picture yourseli sectled comfortably on your cold, small Aarwood cha in Madivon Square Gardens Tl ol ‘back of you gigaling quietly 0 himuelf, a skinoy pricking in a falserto on your lef, far, eurbanmed ‘woman with tiay blue eyes swinging 4 combell on your 2nd an usher sanding disectly in franc of you... all ne looded, upstanding wrestling fans, The coneestance theesd thei way chiough the blue eigarete Bage 20 onto the brilliantly lie "bencing ring”. And here's the way the wre ling marches 5 conmnives GE‘The fist match, Kid Kindyourh vs Of Wow, is he bod. Hoo boy! When he Thea he sticks out his tongue, blaws fensive Herman, is ie type where you comes ino the ring... before the audi- mazabertics, and finally settles down have a good guy agsiast this bad guy... encecan boo him. he boos the audience. in his corner to tear wings off fies back on the flies. sdyouth, the good guy, is hat : rags back 0 the some young fypical ceen ager...the re Kindyourh gives out handshakes, zuto- It's plain who ¢hir crowd roots for sulting produce of clean US living. graphs, money . . . a scaly nice guy! That's right,..for Offensive Herman, EA referee brings the boys wgether ; how Offensive Herman xtigas. Now comes part wh hr instead of shaking, ou EB i to shake hands, You know how you look at rotten bu i grinthea gives him a trip, then while Kid removes sweater, gives him rabbit-punch, and finally picks referee's pocket. You begin ro suspect thax Offensive Herman may not be Fait. sheis corness. In a rapid series of fan soeaks bebind Kid Kindyouth and gives his I's when Kid Kindyourhs runs to save ceferee from a. nasty fall giving Offensive Herman a chance 2o clamp on a ehoke- hold char you really begin to dishke Offensive Herman. ‘Next, when the bell rings, Offensive Herman rushes in throw- ing a quick forearm smash, x drop-kick, » hammer Jock half nelion and an airplane spin, ..On the referee, ae Saill noc content, Offensive Hermaa in vapid. suecession lifts up the grogey ‘Kid and throws him through the copes.Then drags him he starts ty ‘Then drags him out into the hallway... where he throws him our the window... phone cord However, unforeuaat s omer “Or doet i" we atk, ‘ows antagonized the Kid w back with a look that wrestling fans beats Herman ta his knees. Which proves..ctime doew't pay! comerback boat Grieat. This hold, by Needless co say, the crowd hae paralyacs opponent. peased after falliag. upon th k to the ring where ¢ in the micron the Kid for ood, ing cach registers as ss for next week's pretzel fe wild and is only ap: jess Offensive Herman,eee ee ee ee ed coe ecco a This is the “tageeeam” type match where you have these These guys are so bad, you just watch them standing around here good guys, Tom Serongheart and Dick Soutfellow, ws. doing. nothing and you aleeady want chem to get the works.after Strongheatt clamps secret hold, che nd which he learned in the mountains This Pressure to the tec, pazalyaes opponents Nexe match is main event. This ix ype Yukon Klondike isa lumberjack our of Yukon Klondike is known for enar- match where you have fancy characters, che Northwoods The w mous physique, He is 3 strong, he goes like ferinsance, Yukon Kloadike! in is pumping. rapid through ropes by tearing them apaet He never sits scill._.in a na stack- his dressing room, in. ch bouncing. ways bouncing, bouncing, bouncing aNow Aatonino Rockingshair leaps abaur in wild secklese lap ike neve blo: Oni ou teas ne epi to build up power, now reason he is leaping so relieve pain, iccand. Rockingshair goes into bis most the Argentine back-breaker. The woy is he skillfully hoiss Klondike over his back, “Then he shillfellyjoggles Klondike's body up and down in cersain special way so as to deftly Break the back. Sure ‘enough it works!.., Anconino Rockingchair's back is broken. JIVARO FINGERNAIL PINCH ‘Ar this poing, scimulated by the sight of Rockingchaic painfully uying 10 {drag his ereshed bendy from beneath the sight of Klondike, the crow i ing wild, Rockingchair extricares himself. Nour it is obvious thar he és weakened by the face that he no longer bounces around the ring bur merely dribbles Nevertheless, he manages t0 end the fighe witha secret hold, Antonino Reck- ingchai clagops on Yukoa Klandike the Jivaro fager-nail pinch which Rocking hie learned in the jungles slong the ‘Amazoa. This hold, by simple pressure to a fingernail edge, pariiyaes the ‘opponent. The crowd, worked up 10.2 fever pitch, is an undulating mass of waving fst Bying chairs and ying people. Bue what really drives. che Srowd wild ig when the bout is over, ‘Antonino Rockingchnit in leaping from the ring. tigs oa the rope and stubs his bare toe seratching it a lide ‘Ac the sight of Blood, the crowd really gocs wild, and like a rampaging. Fiver, goes streaming out of exits, windows, vents, and cracks, into street. Boy, do they go wild. And co this day, you cin find them in Cencral Pask in A large tract where the underbrush and trees grow particularly thick. There that fond sim, perched inthe sew tops, chattering, amongst themselves fat examining tach other's Newts for bits of sale. Boycboy did sey po wild. END 2»NEWSPAPER COMICS DEPT. stathowary: merely twew body tidewayi. discomfort of turaing magazine ridewayt leave magazine To read following without SORE aan vated ai Waiay a isan NiO te Sa (2 Orn ened jdeak wanay wvad NILA SWS Shu 30 Hon | | OL inMom@Naue SnoNbaN IC 6 ONinwH SI anvasnH HNeK isoNw Ho isaog, ‘gaol GIN hun"si. | raeay anoszal 6.131! aca zn Nvigao Bun Samu! 3500 | | Bah 28 Neckctuo ikin w ShCTOH ae. AHL LPL AWS TA NIATW NV¥HatO JUIN “/aOWANY LI | facameoa| aNWLS LNW? Z aIWaNna zBy Elder, Bill UL! ABR This next fearute is going to revolutionize che reading fuabits of the country. Since MAD believes that a wells formed public is an intelligent public, we bring you this Goprule Featute.,.1 evo page newspaper digest In other ‘words, we have condensed the main material of all the news- papectof the last monch into a cwo-page summary. Nevurally, 4s any fool knows, che main material in newspapers are the omic strips. So we have taken the main comic grips of the last noth which we now present in compact, eapetle form, uncluttered by ads, news, and other such annoying distrac- tions. Lucky, lucky MAD reader... First on your block to njoy terrific savings as you quit buying the newspapers. 3 3] z i é 3 8 5 3 AME SELLING HAIR TONIC! YOURE Nor | |MOSTAGHE UNDER AN Ag: WELL, THAT WHILE > \YOU'RE WORKING ON redlE IB yB. FFacina. TM TAKING. GIVING YOU A DISHON- GRABLE DISCHARGE? ‘BUT-BUT CONT euT On as act] feut- YTRAcHG, YoU Know FULL r DICK TRACING ‘Bra Line Hal > arCRIME DEPT. (CRIME-OF-THE-MONTH. EVERY ISSUE, THE EDITORS DIP INTO THE “SPICY DETECTIVE AND GORYSTORY” FILES TO BRING YOU THE TOP NOTCH THESE CRIMES ARE SPECIALLY SELECTED FOR THEIR PAINSTAKING POLICE WORK, VALUE AS SOCIOLOGICAL DOCUMENTS.. BUT MAINLY FOR THEIR BLE-ECHHHHH! THEIR: “The ammunition in this gun matched perfectly the water in the glass CLASSY CRIMES#138:"Who put the By Bernard Shir-Cliff Special "MAD" Investigator. FRAMOSH, MASS. Chief of Detectives Francis I. Guceberger was essing the cap off another bottle of beer and ex: amining a rare new species of orchid when the telephonezang, bringing word of the case that would rock the Stace of Massachusetts apd propel him straight into satioaal prominence and ‘owt Sain iva jiffy. Ik was a man’s voice speaking: ‘Hella. ‘This Chief Guetherges?” cger. Pronounce the first part "Yeah, Well look here, Foorburger, this is Milo Quackenbush, promineat fociey doctor, Im out here in. East Feamish with a nifyy litle ese of poi roning, which I'm breaking it for the late ety editions but if you hurry you con sill bei for the pix: You want & Face of boy who was beard to remark “What? Me worry?” Tookesee?" Chief Francis L. Guiebenger had not spent thirty years om the force for nothing, Now his lawman's nose sensed the importance behind this seemingly routine eal, "Where did you sap you are? 1578414 Wojchowicx Dri cepoa it.I don't want to keep ¢ wating, And press Boston has its Back Bay, San Fran- cicea its Nob Hill, In East Framish the mecca for those of affluence and im- peccble social position is along swank Wojehowice Drive, Half an hour later a squad car carceaed around the corner and drew up ae 1578414. Thisty-five ppatroimen piled ous, followed by Chief Gurcherger Inside, all was cunfusion, Several hundred newsmnen, photographers, sob- sisters, thrill seekers and morticians had aleeady artived and were conversing in ups while servants cicculated with rinks and crays.of canapés. Dr. Quack- enbush,s sun, dapper meio, ruse “Ah, Guctsruffer, So glad you could come. Step right this way. We're just about ready for the pictures. ‘Ag he led the say back to the libzary, Dr. Quackenbush paused to slip in a heavy chunk of exposition, “Seamus Murphy,” he insoned, reading fram his prepared scripe, “was a self-made man. Few will realize, seeing this tasteful palace of elegance and sitz which ic is, also. welkstocked with are curios from the culture spots of the world, that it all sprang from humble type begin- ings. Starting in 1900 with ene bac and one bout, Searmus amasted his ene tite foswne (reaching well inco three Gigures) in the Soudh American guanc trade. In 1938 he resired from business and roured the world ro runt wild gumme mostly mice and the like. Next slide please. Here we sce Singapore, Peatl Of the Antilles Ie is here that Murphy met Veona, the beautifol Eurasian giel already famed as the Belle of Hlorneo, and subsequently Mrs. M. ‘Their life together has been one long bout of connubial bliss, marred only by 4 single interruption, (begioniog 1947 and lasting wncil chis morniag) ‘when the lovely. Voona locked herself in the batroom with Vasily Vasevolo- dovisch, ber faithful orang-ourang hand-seresne, and refused to commun! cate with her spouse, House lights please.” Chief Gueeberger's eyes_narrowed. ‘And what happened chis morning?” he asked. A very shrewd question,” id Ds. ‘Quackenbush. “This morning, when the lovely Voona emerged, she found her beloved husband Seamus lying on the tug in the library with his feet sicking ta he up in the air and a thougheful ssio on his face.” ‘Ach sce?” ‘Naturally, she supposed he was merely resting, and informed him joke ingly that the bathroom was now free. When he nude no response, she gave hhis legs a playful tap. With a hollow lank, Seamus Murphy fell over an his side, Ir was then char Mrs. M. engaged my services Youre —?" “Exactly! Seamus Murphy was deadDrMiloQuickenbush,prime Voona Murphy, prime sus aspect, Rides his head as be pec, hides er head. Is O.K. leaves police headquarters long a8 she don't hide rest. ‘Vasily Orang-outang, prime suspect, hides its head as it suspect, hides his head as he Jeaves police headquarters. eaves ‘police headquarters Strichnine in Mrs. Murphy’s Husband?” asa mackerel, and the dazed Voona found herself richer by fifty thousand 4 ic. ‘ou know what I think?" Chief Guteberger aiked, slowly, “No wh? think: we osght to sare a. pew chapsen” Wich a cwiakling laugh ad fimerey eaoo of his heels he vanished inte the library: fe -was well pust nine oelock at night, The police phocographer and the Photographers for the various. mag- Ezines, mewspapers and phoco-s¢di teats had departed ro their waiting. lim. foasines, and Chief Guieberger was pacing reat fireplace in che libe ve patrolmen. ‘waiced sespectfully, some lounging: 2¢ Full length with theit_mardhmallow sticks before che fre, others seated on the oor oc ranged along the wall with their cock helmets in their haads, Men,” said che chief, “men... for you are men in all but expericnce—Lve purposely let you stay up lace tonight Dechase theres tomething I've wanted wo tell you. Something you're old ‘enough naw co know. "A nervous tier ran araund the room as the butly cops blushed and shudled thei feet. 0, no" said the chief hasty, “#s ot that, 0, what L have «© tell you tonight eoncems the darker pas the evil—so (0 speak—which it lurks im the hearts of men," ‘Coe! whistled Foshergill, “our chief is no slouch with words, a segular Chauncey Depew in Barfoot’ guise!" Please,” laughed the chief, "save ie the first ace curtain, But set and i i serious, believe me this morning, cic here i this toom, 2 fellow homan bean was pushed off life watsaufied out, great financier’ was made co forcibly the buckex with a on from this Vale of ‘mus Murphy was murdered "There was & docked silence, paced sed onty by a snore Ad here tote you how it was done were very fortunate tonight none other than that prince of fociety doctors, that Hawishaw of che al world—Doetor Mila Quacken: De. Quackenbush bounced out of wings toa thunderous burst of whist cat cille ard applause (Laughter) And speaking of id you hear the ane about the polis.aten from the aul. sod. "Dr, Quackenbush Ly careful deduction, here te hitchon (@) through door to cellar (Ml ‘down callar stops (I), exits through Ibeerent windew (2) which is all very strange sings hew In world did he Gommit the murder In the first place? stepping epaln ciPolice photo of Dr. Quackenbush show- ing front view and profile co illusteace the extraordinary coatrasing features, Police photo of Alfred E. Neuman, Note more violently canteasting view Police photo of Voona, beautifal Bur- asion gic, showing moxt inerestingest frone view and profile of everbody. berger ent in feebl ete these Co Irishmen aad che first Go says, Phachick, it..." Dr. Quackenbush that pore convict so hard?” and Moldoon ‘ays, “Convict! Sere an" I thought ie-was my. "Dr. Qnachenbaih When tie pondemsaium had died dows, Dr. Quackenbush concluded "But you dont waacteiheac soy mere of ry old jokes (graam. erie of “Yes, we do!" "Deed. we dot”) 0,0 juse turn the show hack to that peide of the farce, your friend and mine—Chief Gurcbus. ter!" Leaning close to the chief he ‘ese Therl reach you o wep on my “Dr. Quarkenbush,” said the pordy chief when he had stopped laughing, which was pretty quick you may be sue, "Dr. Quackenbush, whee was ie first gave you thc ides of poison anent this ease2 "Justa bunch, I guess. Yeab, I gues: you could call ie thac A hunch and this bottle marked ‘Quick-acting poi sont [found in the desd man's eat” “And what was in the bottle?” *Nothing It was empey. The poisca was all in Seamus Musphy. You might sy, tha shamus was loaded.” "So what did jou do2” asked the Chief "Wa did To?” Yer" “What did | do?" De. Quackesibush flipped theough his. seripe “Just a hunch I guess...you might Say... nothing to hide...Ob! Whad I do? 1 anes blo pump apd baled him ait” "And you found?” found a boiled egg with cup, one beer opens, life pass on the Scatoard Railway, a rubber cigir and pale of ‘aloshes” “Isthacall” *..-paine beusb, one boat hook, one hockey puck, a boy scour compass and No. Ill can of Essolube #30 Motor O1L” ts chat al pair of oazlocks, bones of a full: grown boa comstricoe, one dozen Yul: ‘anizing patches and a stuffed owl” 4 and profile than Dr. Quackenbush, “And shacwasalll” No, Lalso found 1/10 grain of pure strychnine, That did it The cheer that arose from the thicty- five breathless parrolmen shook the rafters, thereby dislodging Voona aad her pee ecang-outang, both of whom had been hanging upside down in the chandlice Pauaing only co readjust er strong the sloe-eyed comptes drop-kiked the frangourag back fio the thandelier fod suede (orwaes, "Me Von” she intooed, her eyes nartowed ta sles. "Me big har” Asie she muttered, "Dig dhe pearshaped cops!” Patience, my pes,” hissed De. Quack enbush, "Soon these oafs will depare and ie will be you snd me, iting through the ceeiops.” “Nor 30 fase, Quackenbush Chief of Detectives EraneisL. Guteber ser, his chest heaving and the veies nding out like arapes on his temples or ro Fatt Muze has been done and Justice muse be served Voona swajed actos the room and low (0 build this coffee table, complete. $0 roll up your sleeves, get oa your fils, yous hammers aad qour band fides... and go watch television Peay ries Brn aa FRICTION CATCH pe aIR Sr Gl ect Pen Pus CONTINUED (= 3(COFFEE TABLE CONTINUED: L. Lumber, Select your lumber with a carcfal cpe for imperfections such as checks. Bows and knots. If you can’, fet well seasoned, finishing grade basrwood, mahogany oF teak at your lumber yard, you will find chat cheese-boxes ‘nd orangererate ends will do very nicely as a sobstitare, eae at peek WA 3 More Sendpapering. You can't do enough sanding You are up to very fine git of 5/0... go to ner ark of 6/0 sz.then 10 grit 6/05 and on't0 grit 6/003 and ont {)0.005. Then comes very reenchy-wtenchy grit 6/6, snd alice snding with char, use terest grit, 670 700s I rr FS oa 2. Sandpapering, The success or failure af a pisce very ‘often depends on the sanding. Ia oeder ta work gradually up to the stnoothese finish, scart with grit size No. 1/0 and work up to grit size No. 2/0. Thea go to next finer size No, 3/0 and thence to an even finer grit size of 4/0, r colfee table, complete, are simple ssi tools usually found ia the average home) We assemble the main-brace cantilever ca‘efully with oar finishing sails and hammer, (a rock can be substituted for hasamer) 5. Fastening, When the main-brace cantilever is assembled, ‘we then bore /2” countersunk dowel pockets ia each commer with oxir automatic drill, (surprisingly, an automatic drill ly a simple basic tool that sboald be in every average ) When dowel pocket is mortise properly... ccnon. 6. Trim. Now take up the lumber for the table top and sec i€ on your eiecularsaw pomercool top. (a maut for every average home... mean, ler's face itt TE you wane co do things right, you can't be a cheap skate) Set miter guuge and select dado bead 10 mike seifaligning ogival raBbet.7. Final Assembly. Your most important step is to then Samp the tabletop suppoct our of sheet on your Sheet-mezal press, This done, fic toggle-bolts tm but hinges bevelled ro corrugated fastencrs. Clinch core with twunaions and howe the mirzenmasc co the scarboard tack job i completed. Back to sand are ficced, fh the st fine coarsest grit id work back dow ize you used wer do enough sanding, Success oF Ne. 1/0. You Fi faillre depends on sanding Dow't forges, plenty of sanding! 9, More Sandpapering. Keep sanding! Gee right tack there and keep on sanding! There's sever engugh sanding! Suy in there and keep sanding. Dont stop sanding! 11. Finishing. And now co give final roaches to finish the coffee table, complete, picruted on page 35, we varnish, secel weal, and pumice all surfaces. bury a caladiumn bulb in soil, which we can make by decaying leaves for no less ma clay poe while bal sakes 102%, than a year ane 12. Pitce de Résistance, We por the fal grown caladieen plane and place it on the table and there we have our ofee tablet complete, pictured on page 35 with exception of pack of cigiceres you see on che tab you how co muke the pack of cigurees in the next isu 37tSSOMEWHERE IN THIS PLAIN OLD REGULAR EVERY-DAY ORDINARY T.V. AUDIENCE IS SITTING AN IMPORTANT PERSONALITY WHO WILL BE THE STAR ON... FURD ROASTS PEANUTS ON CORNER Yes...commoaplace as the audience on the left might scem Tomewhere, somebody, someplace, sometime, someway, something, somehow, somewhat... isan iraportane personal ity, who in a moment...unbeknownse to chem... will be ideatified by Master of Ceremonies Raoel Phedwards, as the star on "Is This Your Life?”. Perhaps you have already Klen- tified the important personality who will be chosen for “Is This Your Life?” iaside the studio. If you have, you are indeed observant, mainly since che impoetant personality who will be chosen is not fuside the studio but is cutride the studio. This then is the scary of that famous television show "Is This Your Life?" and in case you. don't alteady Kcnow, here's the way it goes. In this instance, the popular pertonalicy was that very well known gensieman....who you never heard of...Melein Furd, Nove the cick was to irik Melvin to come ono the shaw without him knowing anything about it, S0 here's the way they worked it. The fitse problem was to lure Melvin Burd into the vicinity ff the TV. sudio, This was particularly dificule since as FURD’S WIFE ROASTING ON CORNER FURD TO RESCUE, SAVES PEANUTS Melvin lived in « hardio-reach suburb of New York while the studio, of course was downtwn...downtown Los An- geles, that is. A tough problem you say? Not 50 for the ol “Is This ‘Your Life?” rescarch sealf. Fist chey concacted Mel- sits bos and fad him fe Far, (Not for real af course) ‘Then afer arranging ie so that he would get no other jo on the Eas coast, the reveutch seal cleverly Blew up his havse and made at look as if the fomily funds had beea woolen, After thas it was comparively esy are Melvin to Les Angeles by offering him a job there. Then oa the fight of the progeam, 18 Mefvin sood in the street on a specially arranged cornee, innocently vending his peanuts, the deception was completed by having Melvin's wife lean screaming out of a special window access the street with fake smoke and fre billowing around her. And as Mel- vvin Ford dashed up a specially planted ladéer and through the specially prepared smoke-flled window, the following ‘was the sighe that reese his litte red eyes-2¢ he Found hian~ self che important personality on “Is This Your Life?” CONTINUED GESTS‘And here he is, folks... Melvin Fur, Welcome! (ebeme song load, fates, continues in Bsck ground) 1L: Welcome Melvin Furd, to “Is This Your Life?” Whi? Wha? Hab? Wha? Hah? FuRD: (feaps upand rams around RAOUL: (calming Ford down) Hahal PURD: ated rons arcu seavtug fire ace) HELP! No, Mr. Furd, you are merely ing fire axe) GET HELP! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! the fearused guest on"Is This OUT, FOOLS BEEOREITS FIRE! HELP! FIRE! HELP? Your Life?” Understand naw? TOO'LATE: HELP! FIRE! RaoUL: Abhaha no.nol Icintblaseyowforbeingena- RAUL: _( bissing through clencbus reezh) There there... fased, Mr, Fad, bur you jus sit down and relax. juss ssit down on thisscoreos-pickin’ chair for munp: (drenching roons witb fire Bore which he bat palled you are the guesst on "Iss Thiss Your Life? off the wall) GETOUT! HELP! FIRE! run: (aonished) Mel «..Me me? ... Gowanl Me?RAOUL: To sta yback in- Raput: ‘This is ‘way back in your re Was Way Way baRAOUL: You mide many friends in your youngerdays Mel” RAOUL: It is! Your childhood sweetheart, Sbrina Voom! vin Furd, Do you recogaize this voice? stbsic: (shen burs fort, more plaintive than before) voce: Melvin had a crushon me when we were little kids, © YooM: Melvin! Remember what a crazy: ee coe PURD; Shucks! Crimineralies! Doa't tell me that’s Furo: Haha, Sabrina, we were pretty silly children thea. RAOUL: Laver youll aveachanceto RAOUL: Just step thiswayand we'll RAOUL: We'llbcingon the nexe voice discuss old times. This way bring on the next voice. a5 soaa as you seep this way. Yoon: Surely, Raoul. Let go Melvin, -vooM: Yes indeed Raoul. Let go Mel. YooM: Yes. Now let go, Melvin Fusd. eine mehaving acruh PURGE Inagine! Boy wasl aly then FUaD: .. Whara feclish crush [ha RAOUL: You'll have a chance to talk ata parey we usually RAOUL; ‘Yes, you made many hundreds of friends, and here throw after the show. NOW LET GO, MELVIN! is one who was very close ra you in your youth Yes... please... let go, Melvin voice: ung Melvin sad | were inseparable playmates, otto yoos: FURD: {rey a tinaginetiow had oh ay ch hae