Te we A MySe TS Aout | THIS B WORLD, WGRLD, z WORLD, WORLD ABOUT COVERS ‘ava ae ANNOUNCING THE LATEST GOLLEGTION OF | isi wesc “WAY OUT” HUMOR “ Ns ON SALE NOW AT YOUR FAVORITE BOOK STAND—OR YOURS BY M. 850 Third Avenue AROS = Spee eee New York, N.¥.10022 cir state zncone ie PLEASE SEND ME ALSO PLEASE SEND ME: F od [The MAD Reader) The Ormanation MAD ("Greasy MAD Stutt CIMAD Strikes Back © Like MAD Three Ring Mi IT's A WORLD, WORLD, Seif Made MAD WORLD, WORLD MLAB je MAD Samer IM MARTIN Steps Out I ENCLOSE 500 El The Bedside MAD. Ei MAD in Orbit MARTIN Sounces Back Son of MAD ithe Veodco MAD]. DON MARTIN Drops 13 Stories DAVE BERG Looks At Tho U.S.A I ENCLOSE 60¢ FOR EACHNUMBER 99 DECEMBER 1965 VITAL FEATURES WHEN lon, ome people are like blotters POLITICIANS aekunards!"—Alfeed E Newnan DO TV COMMERCIALS WILLIAM M.Gxnvis publisher ALmERT n FRLOSTEDS editor - [Jon verneas ort director Aawano WRFNXER redluctfon Jeany ne recto, Mex Mtziin ertateeitors Miami psenentan lweviteRCAARD RERNSEEDS publicly caonis om-no,ceats Woarisa ean cto sl (CONTRLTING ARTSY AnD wares The unval gag of iote SNAPPY ANSWERS DEPARTMENTS fomose ASPHALT JUNGLE-ANIMALS DEPARTMENT oto cuichEs A MAD Guido Ta The Wildlife On Our Amorican Highways .. .95, BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT " Tho Lightor Side Of Moving ....... casera CARD SHARK DEPARTMENT The Greeting Card Manufacturer Of The Year. 2 DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT THE Taran Hay Steias soc oooroneeseseeeeeeeeesesescnesno | MIRGIMIRAM FOAM POEM DEPARTMENT f ‘Tho Rimo'Of The Modem Surfer ...... s Tee HOW THE WESTERN WAS LOST DEPARTMENT The Viiginiaham . +» : aol: JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Va. Spy... 022s ese e oe 25, 34 Spy Ve. Spy Vs. Spy -.----1--+ : tive LETTERS DEPARTMENT COVERING Random Samplings Of Reader Mail ..... eye? FOOTBALL MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT mM DEPTH Drawn-Out Dramas... a ane Pe (OUR GREATURE PRESENTATION DEPARTMENT Horror Movie Scenes We'd Like To See ......2.cececeres 088. PAID POLITICO ANNOUNCEMENTS DEPARTMENT. ‘When Politicians Do TY Commercials Pitre tertan4) PUNCH LINES DEPARTMENT Boxing Foto-Plays a ee HORROR PUT YOUR FUNNY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS DEPARTMENT econo Pe aD seeser Naas Those Old Clichés ....- 10 coe Eo Pg. 38 ‘ACelobrity's Wallot-—Soupy Salos ..-.-.- <<. 2--e2-eee21 + BB SWEET TORQUE DEPARTMENT Lot's Humanize Thase Automated Machines ....c+.000++00+ +28) THE PLAY BY-PLAY'S THE THING DEPARTMENT Football In Depth ae. cecrereern eo **Various Places Around The Magazine ‘THE RIME OF THE MODERN SURFER Pg. 41ARE YOU BUGGED BY THE LITTLE MONSTERS WHO CLIP EVERY COPY FROM THE NEWSSTANDS? } 4 rad bap by bon! Our OFFICE SUPPLIES Each Issue By Mail! ‘SUBSCRIBE TO RAZA ID «AND SAVE 40¢ ON @ ISSUES: OR A BIG $2.20 ON 24 ISSUES! 850 Third Avenue New York City, N. $200." Petse eter ay tae on yar OlLfnton sand naine ie toss A Ci eneioes $8.00. Plossa eater your sub “sition Fist and mail me the ext Bessa of HAD NAME. ADDRESS. erry. svaTe___cB “Bu USA 2.98 Onde USA oe SE NOW-YOU CAN BUILD ALFRED E. NEUMAN MAD'S “What Me Worry" Kid WITH AURORA'S CRAZY NEW BEING RICH I BETTER THAN 4 WARM PUPPY. Sckidte- Being rich is being able to afford a Liferime subec MAD Magizine, snd then cana Ghacles M. Schule Sebastopol, Calif. MORE MAD RECORDING STARS Now ics “Chad and Jeremy" reacting to your MAD-nexs! Will itaever end? Te itiguer New York City AND YOU CAN “CUSTOMIZE” HIM INTO SOME NUTTY POSES! im ‘ ie alle =. WHAT- ME WORRY? KIT! = : ‘MAD GOES TO VIETHAH For the pase several months, 1 have been serving with the American forect fa South Viet. As you ean sce from the scaclosed phot | was able eo inSltate 3 opy af MAD? ito che coutey and intro. duce it ¢0 the Vietnamese. With all che foe te ya lg ach cory of MAD. it the perfect ample of ‘Anerley "Feevomn of she presr ad the jis people co laugh at their own eins eed daopocsen r. J. Bailey “Advisory Team 601 ‘APO, Sin Francisco MAD GOES TO SUNDAY SCHOOL {Lich in the Josie Bape at Sot snd you ‘might be foterewed so Exo thar when we rofl Aton The Prophecy icy nese In We Emintprea and decied the dcwotany petag om chat ia able to ule joe extriney in your own i ipl, the evils of dishonest pack Yertbing, te and worked = displ of thee articles into the lessens seally grabbed the childrees atte interest, and they actually ea) lesson hae day. fave almaye poten a big kick out of the way pou sanirize the sacred (and aot 30 sacred) cows of our speiery, nat cating whose tes you step om ‘You ate really following In the footsters ol The Prophet Asor. Resp ep the apo Glocia Var Sonia Ay Calif KIND HEARTS AT CORONET ‘Congratulatigaa! You have finally cor- rupted the minds of the magzzine werld, Tam sure you know that the Joly issue of ronet” has actually praised Fos, ‘Mate Labingee Wertmsineter, CalfSincere cangrarulations on your article dealing with the John Birch Sociey. Un dowkesdly, you will now come in for Criticism feom that organ: hive showa them bers culy are: more subversive than any ‘group unforrunate enough to come vader the scrutiny of theie “Superpatriotism,” Tf people Such as the extterisis in the Birch Society were-cuer to come to power this lund, ie would mean the end of sch entities as MAD, and the frendom of ‘minority sroups wotld be undermined, Genrlemen, through your eatie, this pa tion is a safer, sanet place v0 live, My thanks Seth Bramsoa Cornell University Trhaca, New York Your arccle (2) ‘MAD Incerviews a “John Blech Socten~ Paliceman’ (297) Desche ree reroing moore Woe are ewte wtknen abeor ay groupe T filled ie most digusting The Presten- al leon ase ove, aod. thee io longge any need foe you piako sebver- sive uodermining liberals £0 spread I About Barry Goldwater and conservative ‘Azuara. Ben Standacd, Je ‘Lawrence, Kaisas bould be sad by every shisking san, The article on the Birch So ery fs one of the bese T hive ever come across. Is cutting sarcasm abauld ten cach fanatical Bircher’s lace RED. You Will certaily come under cary fre fren thems for i, hue those of us who have any Sense at all will praise you highly. ‘Alea Bester Bronx, New York Your atempe 10 inject humor iaco fozzy-beaded Ieftiving, propaganda bie 2 ‘ew low, even for you. ‘Mrs, Lord Seaby, Jr Nastwille, Tena.’ ‘Your artide contained many unjust implications. True, the leaders of the ‘sepanization often make questionable 2c ‘usstions, bat we shookl not jedge the ‘organization by its leaders. Broce Arnold Long Beach, Calif. ‘THE JOHN BIRCH SOCIETY POLICEMAN, “Als poor MAD,1 knew it, Horatio. ie probably what we'll all be saying when the Jobn Bisch Society reads pour article Barry Rawer Union NI. ‘Your incrimination of the Bieeh So smacks of the same safarnes Retics ition chat rhey employ iat this type af slanderous dict, poo siccoed_ only’ ia lowering an otherwise fing magazine to the level of the John Birchers themeslees ‘Don Peters Houston, Texas stulations on that “MAD Tateeviews a John Ditch So. Ae long st we reain ur precios: freedoms of specch and ‘press, and te thes, we need never Feat the weak-minds of aay “wing” Richard Peybyzecskd Setauket, NY Ie is extremely uafair to sssome that all members of the John Birch Sociesy are Drejudieed bigots, ir would be the same ¢ assuming thas, because some members cof such organizations a1 the Congress of Racial Equality are suppostess of Com. ‘musism, oe even outright members of the party, that all of the members of the oF: ganization are Communists 33 well, ‘Norman Wennet Bayside, New Yerk kay, you've told everyone what dan peraus "hooks" we of the “Right” are Now lets sce if you can be the great iconaclases you pretend # be. Lets sce you attack the "Lee Steplea E, Temell sk Ridge, Tena, the most absurd piece of gubage you have cver stooped to putting iste your Dtherwise meaningful magazine, To think that you have actually fallen this far sine ‘A MAD Guide ‘To Russia" and "Ease Side Store.” Bob Dingss Morsclais, Calif ‘Woll, at least somebody remember 0 fow of our many onticemmunist aniclenmEd. Please oddres all cormrpoadence t2 Do Your Christmas Shopping Early! Give (ortreat yourself to) a MAD Christmas GRAB BAG ERE ARE ALL THE USELESS THINES YOU GER; 24 map PAPERBACK copy oF “MAD, FOLLIES: No. 3" imetatestman samt) worth .50 FULL-COLOR PORTRAIT ‘OF ALFRED E. NEUMAN... OPTIONAL ADDITION TO “CHRISTMAS GRAB BAG": ‘A 24ISSUE SUBSCRIPTION To MAD. WORTH $5.0 Rok A ke teak 317.5 VALUEFOR $1378 us perpen or dpi Tencuse 95° MAD Citi A rveuose sigs sso naa avtwue C1 rregatr Rd a e EW ORK RY. OHR2 ane sae LEASE SEND THs MAD CHRISTA GRAB BAC worth 25 A$12.75, VALUE FOR: $9.75 ta AT ALL AND CHAIN STORES Thor's ike soyiag we shoul’ judge Rosia ‘MAD, Dept. 99, 850 Third Avenue NAN. ‘or Red China by i leader. Ed, New av, Now Yerk 10022 Waa vy. ae yey ee | se ance aes ‘ssn als sana ehoery CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT ‘blaming "we cane 2 espn ee cs lat aan Mh re male. Gosek we Mone Sear afr ‘his drderr Sent tsde The WEA, FURNISHED ROOM Sine ally vane Sand, a0 Third arenae, New Works BePAID POLITIGO ANNOUNCEMENTS DEPT. Everyone wha watches television knows that Edward G. Robinson, Barbara Stanwyck, and Robert Taylor are selling coffee . . . that big industrialists, sports figures and writers are "Ale Men". . . and that Jaseph Catton is pushing @ headache remedy. In ather words, the big names are copping out WHEN POLITICIANS Laces and gerlemen bere sf Hi, there, Americans! | Vice-President Richard Mt, Wixot : things came naturally out "CLOSE SHAVING CREAM" oo prineiplest But athe more time and thought ‘And now, message (rom “GUNGHO™. [| ff Welcame ta my humble home nhere I ‘word's foremost makers of authontie seme "GUNG-HO FOODS" sxclatsiy | sy planing an antl Cammunist Chinese foods! Here f= “hecaute al "GUNGHO FOODS" of powor packed ack met SorGUNGHO" seaeevoman nei [I ar ide tam anc einen cht | Madame Chiang Kal Shokt ‘chinese mainland, and 1912 Napotoon Brandy, 1 max sure hee ets the real nutrition he needs by giving him his daily supply of "GUNGHO" Ege Rls!advertising game xe pleklng tho cream! MY shaving cream You betena! and t know my fellows ‘Amatieans wil love ‘hase fan-out Far East delicacies made the Free Enterprise Way... by contested cociles! But don't take Generalissims, for the big money! And so, naturally, since no group Is more experienced at selling out than Statesmen and Poll MAD predicts, before the biggest bignames of all will be lured into the TV and welll be seeing scenes like this on our screens— Jand dor't forget, “GUNE:HO" fanst Enter eur “Vacation ise” ‘of my hubby, an allexpense-paid ‘vacation-fortwa an those lovely Pacific isles —Quemoy are Matso— Bolicve me, Pat and | have trled them all, end we agree that na ather shaving ig more “American” than “CLOSE”! cians, it’s just a matter of time, DO TV COMMERCIALS WRITERS: RONALD AXE. SOL WEINSTEIN ‘with enough "GUNG-HO" foods, and ‘enough weapons and ‘ammunition ‘io last "And | pledge to you that f wil continue to believe this throughout | the entire duration af my contract! ‘And you an) bbe sure that mainutrtion, or Communism, sill never take lover your system! tus Sheks. ‘do-eat plenty of GUNG-HO FOODS" —‘Wo take you now to an Emergency Mecting af “The National Security Council! The next voice you hear will be that of The President of Ts your alt pal TRNOW vot bad beeath can dol Mine best frends. vooda't tell me—and you saw how f ‘suddenly becama socially unacceptable! ‘of Alsbami Fav here in the Magnolia Laundromat, ‘where you're about fo see an importan unbiased test of the new “ALL WHITE" ‘Mah fella Armuricans—at tyes Ek ‘when ah calls mah entire ‘gether to face aa imminent crisis which might encangsr aur Great Society and our Great Nayshun— Vell, vas invited 4 come to Amoriea by the makers of “TINKLE MOUTHVASH” Sq | cauld deliver this message to all bacteria... “TINKLE? vil bury yau’ ‘An' this fine, upstandia' beautiful ‘example of Southern wamanhavd Is about ta help me with this eomonstratign ml want you t Took at these twe of sheets! One of these piles was. ‘washed in “Brand X"—a product of Elian bunammad, Incorporated . [—an' tempers are reachin’ fever pitch «a2 Jeu Preigant, i's ma aty to keep things reasonable! An’ what Beiter way to make men feet in the mood for feasonit' lapether ‘Yes, “TINKLE" takes the vorry out of beink closet and mina new job her “TINKLE™ takes the worry out of ‘mine beink close to mine alt enemies inthe U.S.S.R-! Dos vedanyah while the other pile was washed in "AUL-WHITE'—the allwhite whitener for thote who think white! Now whieh pile is the ane washed in "ALL:WHITE", Ma'am} ‘Yuh say that ane, Ma'am? Well, let = ‘Se if you picked the gle of seats thot was washed in “ALLWHITE®lass of “PECOS BEER"! Yup, tren, “PECOS BEER is as tal as Texas... ‘and just as dry"! Friends—aut Nere in Goldwater eountry, where a man can feel a kinship with the ‘Star, the mesquite bushes and is ham adie, | get to do some el thinking! And the best pass on ta overy thinking American .« all twenty-six mi Hoy! Who's this? Some Damn-Yarkes Fregdom Marcher? She guessed wrong! Take ‘er out an lyach “er, boys - Wn. after jus" ot a fow glass ‘PECOS GEER’ rises Seems aul to Imminent! ‘But YALL dent have to wart for 9 ational Emergency sn orcar to enjoy “PECOS SEER"! Jus! run down ta your favonte store ertavern and pick Up 42 banaly s-pack! Tall the man that "your President sent yuh! And now, men—let us eantinyeh py 2 a ner VSS \ i Yes, testimonials like this are pouring in fr6rn all over, and I'm touched that my messages tor "MULEBURRO” ava hit, ‘the oF target! So be MY kind of people! Smoke MY kind af cigarette! In your lungs .. you know they’re right! ‘G0 if you're prejudiced against dirt, ike 13m, you'll use “ALLMHITE"D Your hustands will be proud te wear your sheets after “ALLMIHITE" haz] ‘segregated the dirt ram "em! Sold in select stores for select poople! Enterprises!DON MARTIN DEPT, DON MARTIN PROUDLY PRESENTS THREE HAIRY STORIES Ill. IN ANOTHER HOMEBARBERSHO Il. IN A HOME Te. ert ar nea sap eT fey aa 2 anata tad ty ran iPUT-YOUR FUNNY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS DEPT. Do you worry about walking through tough, strange neighborhoods? Are you concerned that muggers may attack you? Well, let's face it how many people are actually attacked by muggers these days? On the other hand, there are far more painful and insidious attacks visited upon every adult and teenager today. We're talking ebout the attacks MAD’S SNAPPY ANSWERS ARTIST: PAUL COKER JR, At Weddings... | (2% a= ‘She's a chy ail to get.a Buy like hie ‘She looks. ‘She is! They had to all aglaw! tank her up to marry 2 creep like that! Sob always: coi— cry at weddings! Sob ‘and now are we know someone who had the this morning? ‘very same thing lest “Judging by the way | fel fand the way you look, 3y we're botn in trouble! : ‘We'll have you up and around before : yeu Knot itt‘of The Old Clichés! Wherever people congregate, these sickening old clichés fall thick and fast. Up to now, all you could do was nod your head and say, "How true!" or something equally idiotic. But now— cliché sufferers—comes fast, fast, fast relief! Read on, and see how you can wage a counterattack against this menace by calling upon... TO THOSE OLD CLICHES \WRETER: STAN HART Both of them] [Test me with whom! I Tove ‘a scandal! Wnye alt marriages don't have to turn fut ike curs! 1 just dropped by lean only stay a minute! H there's anything you want, don't hesitate to ask! ter ati— : ‘what are eal m Tr Ket you tends tot Faw when 8 ay —shut me! the doar from the outside! [mates h(a i [ses Sy) .At Family Reunions...[HOW THE WESTERN WAS LOST DEPT. . Here we go with our version of that 90-minute Commercial for Color TV Sets... THE VIRGINIAHAM 'm Judge Bart, | Bart, [Em Oopury arm Hold it Where's > $j Tre horse too? ] uae nar [Fatty rt | Gre (od oor Fr Ta ne a a Fo cplnas Smite ener etry we Fuster Unk cabnce Seowrue tener sens | aoe {ewel tet lee tn each show an some chupd pretense! thet the Uno of — cro tytn wet sober sot Wa probably.be an Improwem ‘over some of the scripts we've ‘peaple! Scenery cartt bleed! So LN ©. EVERYBORY WORKS! |‘say! Actually, get saddle sores! || “ving colar with the rest Hi. Becky! ‘ymat's wrong. Of course ret les lnowtangled fod fram back East ‘called STEREO! ‘Well, this week, Sweetie, you'r going on'eamera in of the cast—ineluding the horses! Okay-—roll ‘er tinaty got tosayon my own show for a changet ‘wil you ten to that? Mot only has, he got the Number 2 ‘Nigisen show—now he's got. a Number 2 Hit Recard! iougn id | vervets Spresc Hey, Bossman! ‘There's eamething wrong wrth Lae J. ‘Corcobb—er—t mean Judge Barf! He's doing weird things! ‘The only thing Lea Comeabb hes done that's weird 18 sarecing -| Were better get ‘ver there and erect im, Bad!r W's my courtroom, mister, ° ‘and Labject ta your Ione: Teen nd a ‘winded, lpamacking, lpemaciing, |“ tooth-sucking overacting! Nowtake this restraining |= “order and gitNot in my | Hi ‘wast Buc that's kas! Okay Hmmrn! Naw it covrroom ou eaaee | eet seems ta methat sit Miskert Reon ifn serneoody Deputy |] eke | mason an accents Ricochet 2 | cee. you couieve with our ita 7 You took gin, you wouldn't thes ‘cod that fence untigitert On, Deputyt | bay, you Hold ont Ger, Paw | Heuer, Jusge!| Nobody, Judge! | Don't you watch this show? bs can't maery | There's been You're just | Listen, Naram, || "She gets struck by light ‘that eld, intime for |] ma you know what || ening—ar run ovte by Ricochet the Weeding! happens to a ‘starmpeding eattia! al who marr Conboy? Ormaybe | see, Ma'am. a But if TV Contoys never get married, hero de LITTLE, Noa, hold | He's right! According | ost Some: tothe statutes of the uunsullied, unmarried |] TV Cowboys come from? Tmageto the pute! fh = bi its nat THAT adult!‘And Ii recite ‘And filly “tLove You Truly" 7 ‘yo knows, it might ‘make 2 hit record! They ca | 2 age ms named | fem: mats | vipiaham | vircina | wy ran 7 | Tellme aie pronaunce you Man You can kneeie Rolf, Juagel ‘The program's Forget i, Virginia, You're a married'man with respon- oT cattle drive! Ih drop YOU a postcard.PUNCH LINES DEFT, Many people are saying that Professional Prize Fighting should be outlawed . .. that it is already finished as a Sport! Well, all we can say is: if it isn't finished up to now, it will be with .. 5 wy - Pr » “That's the etumslest “Ring Entaanee" t have ever seen! Ihe wos slive. a take Jol L. Sullivan in five!FOTO- TEATSThey had a $300,000 Idlot—the tient was yesterday! ir Syndeate tat dont Pith eave ee eos“ EP CARD SHARK DEPT. ag Ape There is a new retail shop that is beginning to blight our landscape—the Greeting Card Store. Inside, you can pick out all sorts of messages to send. However, you'll have to search long and hard to find the corny, sentimental cards of yesteryear. Today, the Greeting Card Industry has gone ‘clever’. Who is the diabolical genius behind this movement? Well, let's drop in on the biggest “Card Shark” of 'em all as MAD INTERVIEWS THE GREéhNG CARD MANUFACTURER mum OF THE YEAR ...... ARTIST: 30! Hi MAD fans. rm Frank a zl irs ing it By) ine [Tasca a rad Kupie—Presdert ot] T—Couay art] |mates| | aS, Fight makesure that eas Rover Kare Karmaary"t| | nantia none:| | you | Ian! Tate neither ever spears in are the distinguishing, fetering ad LRDEEEEL he ire Ll ateays heen scl tdaye yo b fiaicuta = | put out = two things In min! suconastul today. you tutta fenuresermemacern || fieman ‘ive the public nastiness! Here are —_ Not rite the Fasarst Any. 7 the artists seifrerpecting artist would they begin to dislike the people they sata do the father starve to death than HAVE to send cords to! Klever Kerds lliustrations || you Tot them ‘owe beds with ong stone! They for my cares! nd it they ask for ciscnarge obligations and hostilities t Toney, |ste ff cade | "tah alter Christmas they |] si come down!\h ar] a : [= Hare fs our “St a What UEsines Oey [[ One Ana tne serson J] elect | ne || : ing Congratulation Carde"? | ine“Graduation Cards", oh? ‘only sold at [day of the A Graduation, fl) year—ike time in Junet fl) these | cea Nonsenael wrapping pape re TRisaie | [Wealse cover pide't Mhe you || ‘very flare zou Raise! cover erery'||| Sr untapoy schrevemert / orhapey cart I Hope Your Broken Leg Heals Fe Bult no! so fast that you can’ ig Cave against the ecurance C Heard About Your Incurable Hinesst Well atleast now you won't have to Fun from Doctor i Doctor any mee? yoo [Tue —- q oss eure Oy 5 SER aay Kees forego Soe ae Ae Yes—very nies! ‘Well, yau certainly showed us that the| The way | fook at, Frank, were rapidiy eliminating the nea for ‘anyone to write a letter! Every concelvable human situation will sopn be coversd by Greeting Cards! Te The to thane Ler Kupid—JOKE & DAGGER DEPT. PART!SWEET TORQUE DEPT. Hooray for the 20th century. Automation has made Man obsolete. What service can a human being perform that can't be done better today by a machine (and don’t get smutty, buster!)? But despite ‘the cool efficiency of moder automated machines, there seems to be something missing—mainly, the LET'S HUMANIZE THOS HUMANIZING THE CANDY MACHINE THAT HAS THE AIRPORT INSURANCE MACHINE THAT HAS. REPLACED THE COLORFUL CANDY STORE OWNER REPLACED THE MAUDLIN INSURANCE AGENT [Dan't lean against the glass! Wiio's supposed to wipe all your greasy ‘ingerprints? Haw much money have you got? Show roe! Gnay, hurry Up, make yaur selection, and get out | haven't got all day! Come in Here with a lousy dime and think you own the place, And doa’t think Frm not wise to-your tricks! If yau want something to steal, steal from someplace else ,., like the cigarette machinat Congratulations! Obviously, you are a person who takes his r= ‘sponsibilies to his family seriausiy. H, God farbid, samething should happen to you, your loved onea are now protested. And if, Gad forbid, something should happen ta.you, your children's college tuition will be provided, We must look upon insurance: 23 positive thing, Novena knaws what the future has in store, Hl God forbid, something Happened to you withoutinsurance, how Let's gine the ‘e0Uld you, Ged forbid, go someplace, God forbid, knowing that machine a kick ‘you had, God ferbit failed tase whe cope Gea fre | sould Ba De pa i going by train insicad HUMANIZING THE AUTOMATIC PILOT THAT REPLACES THE LIVE PILOT ston, baby fyi this binds aploee of cake. When twas in the Big Show"—that's what wa fly guys) Thi is etter than a P) colle Wor Ware vs 6:25's hold together with chicken wire and spit. That was flying—with Jerries [| live pilot! A smother Meawing up acloack and Messerschmidts coming in at 6 a'elock. Hut fying an airliner Ilva this fe hide” etutt vend 80 hast Even you could doit. Wanna try? Just sit down and put your check against the speaker. Carty? Mow, Just ecp the plane between those fights on either wingtip. and net ane af the 198 puseengara will ever suspect that a stewardess Is fying this erate! Say, when we pet to Par Mine is real cozy and quiet. You'd love if! whathotel ara you stepping st?‘ARTIST: 908 CLARKE sl Dunrt pobtte your food! Denk flowy. 90 ‘forget to drink every last drap. | Nope you dresstdl wa other machine and takea piese of truitl THE HOME HAIR DRYER THAT HAS REPLACED THE GOSSIPY BEAUTIC el Hone. yu're glee tolook Ikea ream wten youre donelYour Bf tusbend won tee ae to heaps eyes: much asa ns hande ot Youn ete tly, tae import in i ay ane age (usta tea cesmaae nd Ghorcal We gris have oak to old our men-know whet eesné lust her Cay, acusore "vont mention her hame-tolame sha che harMeoan another wompn. was shocked, woul evr balun the Bricipal hor locathigh senso went etl thing that hme yout ily, (auld wre book Well, Jet me tell you about my husband... warmth and persnality of the individual who once performed these services. When we step into an automatic self-service elevator, somehow we miss the dull conversation of the chatty elevator man who ance ran it. Why not bring all that back? F'rinstance, let's install tape recorders, and . E AUTOMATED MACHINES WRITER: STAN HART ‘THE HOT SOUP MACHINE THAT. HAS REPLACED THE OVERPROTECTIVE MOTHER meting hat in your stomach on a cold daylike ed don't ‘Suqoing around. | knew you don't like me to nag, but I wory about the way {you neglect your health. ana before yau leave, | want you ta go over to the ‘Okay, but frst 1 ave tw kiss the machine goodbye! Tra through! Lee's go! ‘THE SELF-SERVICE ELEVATOR THAT HAS REPLACED THE CHATTY ELEVATOR MAN. Hat engueh foryou? t's nat bid in ere wit the ar sendenng hun? But btwnen yu and aul ve "athou af conaring It ghee esos Hey. Nowe bout those Dodgers? Con you inogine paying Say Route masly $40,000 a yor? Sey, Now Gud ds you think amy Taxe 3 quvss! 35,40, 807 Go apeed, guess Wal, 39 years la | swede Yau wouldnt ink co, would 8 Wel eres sornething clue yous won't belleveBERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT, el Lae’ LIGITTERFR SIDE OF * the Sterea ver hove! ‘are married and away! What da we nod thie big empty house for? ‘Lots sell it ana mova inia 2 smal ‘And the taxa] ‘ae law! And thore's a bus stop at the camer! aut atio hit i hacky He just isn't one of four kind, £0 you Know ‘what wo can expect! Wert put him in hi place! Wwe represent The)[ Hey, you're bisingted tana Homes, || esteteaerd Ouners Association, and-—|| I anne sea]What the heck = joing an tere? We've oot allthis packing to do and! you thro are just ‘siting around Hey, lemme zoo! WHAT THE HECK IS ‘GOING ON HERE? WE'VE GOT ALL THis PACKING 70 DO AND ‘YOU TWO ARE JUSi "ile moved into Gis area} because my husband Sswitehed jobs! And | dust love it ore! Here comes my husband! it wae) his first day at the ew plant, 50 Fve buen working lke & dog to get everything eleaned and put away befare he got homel Naw, at Inst wa're settled? ‘The houre is very confortablet Fes beaut ted | HATE rice! Allinall, vs the best lace we've ever lived! Wo're Kevin and Dorothy ‘Shorten! We live next daar and we're here to woleome you to your now neighborhood! We realize what a hectic time you're ioing through, so we'll ‘only stay a minutet Haw a vou ike that rl They an even eer f Cis’s cu or contol ae TH | Sey! jl Poet) A Shes The satten aid reat leaked. snd the basement figadee! regularly, aad we ain't have enough closet space, ‘and there worent enough Bedrooms for ‘Aithoush—we did have fun-parties in that aid house. Wit all OUF fun-neightors! Like the Jone last New Year's Eve!See. ae ‘Wha's it bee—twa, three years since yow moved sway? iy, how tive ehildren have grown! You look great! It's "20 fod to See yOu BBain stand them when they Tived next dace! & ‘And the kitenen wall sh has the marksEanes ae ee 17H NAPA AES PE) ee ey nla 0 PCR aa Terie PV) WE'D PI A F | T aa ROBABLY FIND IF WE WERE TO EXAMINE RO a] IDENTIFICATION CARD NAME: Soepy Soleo ‘Hip’ Kiddie: Sfoow N.C, Ahrawes, ‘iowa Dacre al Wa IN CASE OF EMERGENCY. NOTIFY, ‘Mile. i f Cal it Shaw! =i saat strane, culaia-agu cis tax CET TAPPS BUBBLE GUM Vi) ms. OMEDIA, inc. ON THE WATERFRONT se ny, Nae core BROOKLY fe raid th cont sure ctesot tau tae Hgts, a par ur. S0ies:- snouph ve foot, wnat na have 94,0000 Sing Stag Sow ra nusuougs 26 £20, the nat OE Letarse seventh orc nda ih) tobias chases crete See eimaetteme! sige, ee are arradd 1X iste ie be net 8 Noprtcae ieee, Sie oS wet as cpaniee corte a tetaE ie cheat yea yout Bee Pi eee harg tmaiseed 8 Teaatehl me Sore Eda ona entnpencnoa Bacts fica fal Deere Departzont sary truly Youre: haa lea rantey Hoes Dats Seenttye Director ur. Seupy Sale2 ‘There, you Fea cit eect A seunttib rare LASSI Ere, eat At 1 " Bog ot gang ee ON: ella ‘ yorrg aivtle aiftere! va appreciate on appointagnt St YUP Jtory ck a Lorrignaay Sut nia’ 2h ctterty De saves conven ae Sincerely» Pai Ninen Richard M. NixonA CELEBRITY'S WALLET Dee od HANNEL 5 py iL INTER-OFFIce uae From, M: Prop Departnens youon, a5t on Mawes, _ ENT OF STATE DEPART AL BUILDING ‘New Yark Citys N- ¥- cored York OF Dear Mr. alee: We are sorry eptableJOKE & DAGGER DEPT. PARTIASPHALT JUNGLE-ANIMALS DEPT, ‘When people want to look at strange creatures, they usually go to the animal cages at the zoo. Ac- tually, this is ridiculous. Why go to @ zoo when there are millions of strange creatures running wild around us, F'rinstance, there are the many species of wildlife that roam our nation’s highways. It might be much safer for mankind to cage them instead of the animals. Hut, till we do, here is | ] ] J vs | i ry blade 1 WILDLIFE rial ee HIGHWAYS ARTIST; DODELARKE ‘WRITER: FRANK Jacom! THE GREAT SMOKY MAMMOTH THE NOISY UPSTART (imaterus tremenddusus) (Blastus Obnoxious) Habitat: Well-Traveled Highways Habitat: Quiet Thoroughfares ae aN } | ‘This huge slow creature spends from place 19 phice, He is a bo why great numbers of smaller species can be acen ae they're | frequently observed on Saturdays and Sundays with other ||| follawing him faithfully up members of his species, charging hills and grades, Maweyer, they | wildly through the countryside, These creatures rarely stop, but | even when they do, they co ‘company of other Mamcuaths, This | (0 emit loud, earsptitting cries is done at garishly-lit feeding areas | | When two Upstarts m Knewn as "Truck Stop: want ta prove thei } spite his siee, a Smaky isa gentle Least and will charge, except going downbill. Ac such times, he can work up great jan among the Upstar speed and become uncontrollable, ; namely all the rushing any abject ia bis path. | species of our highway wildlife. MATING CALL: Tay ee ee‘THE DULL-EYED PLODDER (commuterus interminus) at: Clogged Thraways es n From his outlying nest, chis creature performs a wel ting once 2 day «his urban nest Se eoerareas MN ister tek rumored _gteat speed Irut th other Plodder EMD rt oy eect Te i rumored that the Dull-eyed Plodder is capable of Ere hat ncser been abuctvcd to tore mare tha tcl males pe tour, "Tie main renton for tis is" thot this creature. dalkes Traveling all lone, prcfersing inetead to. join lng’ ines. of ‘eho can be seen reepingfalthally slong each weekday moming and ctening. ‘THE INFERNAL TAILGATER (perpetwalic-behinadus) Habitat: Directly In Back OF You ter bow desolate the area, you can always be sure ‘of encountering this remarkable creature om the road. ‘The Infernal Tailgater is # born follower, and will patiently hug ‘your tail whether yor be 10 ar 100 miles per hour. Oddly enough, the Tailgater is hostile nor insecure. TE 3 Jose him, ‘by stopping’ on the side of the oud, you will fail—becanse the ‘Tailgater will also sop on the side of the road, wi for you to start m MATING CALL: prices Hil (falopius endurus) Habitat: Emergency Parking Area » dogs andl known Th replacem Vw haan Scere ee ihappy creature who feels that the y- Actually, everything is passing Heaps are spending their tase days protected within preserv 3 junkyarde Many Hi ‘way Wildlife lovers arguethae this bbe replaced. THE SUDDEN TURN (signals oblivious) Habitat: Dircetly Im Front OF You ‘Of all the examples of Wildlife found on the American Highway, the Sudde is the deadliest of creatsires, expecially the female of the species (although many of the males are equally as dangerous), She cam be found ing at 4 remarkably slow the left Lane of almost reaton, ahe will dec ight. Unfortunately, because af unusually small brain, she lacks the ability to alert the species in back of hee, who muse Stop quickly in order ta avaid her, Most often, they cannot—which results in the phenomenon, of mature kiown a3 “The Pile-Up" CAD eae ey‘THE LIGHT-HEADED VEERER {alcohols peri) Habitat: Oncoming Lanes GJ This species is bent observed on boli the early moming hours. Tc is then that he departs his favorite watering place so that he cam carry out bis weird sieri- ficial rite of destroying fon the highways Hecawse he is a | comvivial “creature, he i often tracted to other, more sober species, ually at great speeds find headon. Unfortunately, there Shim is no chumee of che Light-Headed © Veerer becoming extinct Although | _ thousands perish each year, they are Immediately replaced by nev, Lietiantidataanl rounger members of the species. |) THE KEEN-EYED FUZZ (umrelentis slams) : Where Least Expected ‘The Keen Eyed es. rom his Ties in. wait for his prey. When victim pases, the Fuze darts seifely aut, fella Fuze is a crafty creature, often disguising himself like his prey ‘that he won't be recognized. invariably try to reason with jm, but this fs always useless Unless, of course, the victim i wise chough to satisfy a Fure's Tppetie for tewdollar bill. [adinlaaheicita THE DOUBLE-TAILED FLASH (dementus accelerataes) tardly crer observed steading ti. He fav one ambition tn Life, which We to. pat every other Creane dine he encounters He oly docs ths with get euc._-unleny af course, he eneounem anoshet Doubleited Flash coming the ity he ste oboe te oro res wl cooperst. with ne fruslog on he lel, and the oth oop cn the. sightmand he Sheeting sor afer with great Themidde ofthe road Sy aunt Specs The Whive Grated Coverer fambulanes ‘mortieiamas) who chen delivers Ldetitbatadiael them to their final destination. "THE FRUSTRATED PARKER (clrevds bxterininus) : Any Crowded Shopping Area. Frustrited Parker fs a common species, abounding in its, He can be abserved circling other raosed trying ww find a place of fonn te settle dawn in, Sometimes he i lucky and spies 14 place recently vacated, swoap- ing in eagerly, But most times, ‘he can spend Rours and even days hovering and circling and never finding a spot to reat, And when this occurs, a Frustrated Parker veill usually da something stupid, tke dropping into an area where roosting’ is forbidde. Then, the and before stnother Rohed Magistrate (judgus num). ene e eyOUR CREATURE PRESENTATION DEPT. HORROR . Movie Scenes We'd Like To SeeJOKE & DAGGER DEPT. PART IIIFOAM POEM DEPT. THE RIME OF THE MODERN SURFER (With apologies to Samuel Taylor Caleridge’s “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner”) ‘Weitton by Tom Koch Illustrated by Don Martin. ined in the sun, “From Mality to hell and back.” he said, uoth sho: “You're nuts! Drop dead!” Ha was a bleoched blond surfing man; “Upon my soul,"*she coyly drawled, His biceps gf Hestoppeth one of three, “How come you-all stopped me?” “1 ode awa He gozed ot her with limpid eyes; When he sought out a willing ear She sot wponthe sondy bench; And! he poured forth his eerie yarn Atridenot oft ta fil To bora with is long tole. There langudly she posed; While frequently she dozed.“One summer dey at Malibu,“ ‘We found o wave of monstrous height He spoke both dull end slow, ‘On that momentous day; “Rock, Tab and did mount the suet But when we posed 1 ide itin, ‘To stage aur wordsots show. It wont the other way! Nine weeks nafood did poss aur ips; ‘We wero lke mon depraved. ‘Yet as we skimmed past Waikiki, The folk just stood and waved. On but one board wo'd pyramid, With Rack upon my shoulders bread, ‘And ride the frothy whirls; And Tab on top of Rock, ‘Asstunt so perilous we hoped We burtled toward the open seo, W might attract some girls, No heach our path te black. “Alucey ament ried out Tab, ‘You've [ust rubbed eut our goed luck char!” ‘And Rock, he thought so, tea. Woiled Tob, « norvaus wreck, ‘They meant good luck ‘twos onmy head; While Rock, more prone to action, tied ‘They knew what birds ean do! Tho gull cround my neck, & We surfed post Wake ond Midway Iles, ‘Adead bird seldom fltters one— The bid sil on my skull. ‘Worn casually and loose, 1 What perl to my golden lacks! Ay lavaliere Fes stunning st Holf-erazed, I killed the gull. Rock tied a hangman’s neose. ‘Our lips grew parched; ourthroats burned dry, ‘Wesurfedin martal dreod. Thon all ot once, a sea gull came ‘And perched upon my head. Bath, feortul thot our boord wos cursed, Jumped in the briny swral, {con't soy thot I blame them much; Dead birds soon start to smell! ‘Aon oiled my gorgeous frame And sunned as aft before ut somehow, Beach bum life's na fon Thee thousand miles from shor‘Then thee appeared a phartarn yacht The Phantom potod tho ghostly deck, | wanted te defend the gang With old and rotting hull, Ais eyes alive with flame. ‘Against that reap on deck, 7 | asked the creep in-charge. “Dern surfing crowd’ he «ied at last; Why blama us al just couse | wore hha, "Yau Killed my gutl!” “You bums ore all the same! His bird around my neck? {cursed myself with nasty words, Sicthousond yearsago lost week, Said he, T've seen those surfing films ‘Oh, how cauld I forget [touched Phoenigion shores, ‘Through spy gloss from this hull ‘The warning: Neverkill a gull ‘And fund blond idles on the beach, fon would spare-yourkind. I might be someone's p ‘They, too, were croshing bores!” you killed my gll” And so it wasmny doom wos sealed Through silent worlds of white I surfed I smoothed the Feathers on the gull, To surfupon that sea Where naught it seemed could dwell, And tended other chores; Through endless time without one dame ‘The only real advantage was ‘And time weighed benvy “il one day Toloud my gallantry. ‘That frozen birds don’t smell, | heard the splash af wars. Not even could my senon bronze; hoped some day, my penones dene, “Wid shrouds of fog, | dared not hope; (Oh, ervel throw af dice!) The surf wauld take me home, For ihoughi'd Beor yal ‘The vengeful wave | rade shot north! There realy isn't moch 0 see ‘Coast Guord bellow sounds much ike ‘Who lolls ond suns on ice? Betwoon Murmansk and Nome. ‘Addemen’s ry in hell.At lost spied the rescue boot, Its coptain asked his mote, "Do our reports show anything This stronge os lst of late?" The men leaned forward in the boot, ‘Ther vision best toclear.. “He is quath ona, The other said, “thought so! Leave him here!” “You twang guitars, drive beat-up car, Hold loaus by the sea, ‘To save your kind would just louse up The Great Society! The Const Guard mata brought forth his log And curty said, "Tl chock, Isthis one ona surf board with Agull around bis neck?” “Cur orders come from Washington,’ The captain told metve, “Tos rescve crooks and drunks adit Not suring bums ike you" Sabo opal’ the coptain said, “and just stay here ond drown. We'll notify your mext of kin When we get bock fo town,” Ths having spoke, he put about ‘And vanished i the mis, Erasing me, per ordets, from ‘The Coast Guard rescue list, Though I survive, I'm still eecursed; My life more gm than good, Lean’ dispel the dream to sell My yarn to Hollywood So now | wonder down the beach, And hope I yet may sell “The Longest Surf-Tale ver Tod’... That il its it wee” Ae Yor! omaat a ghastly thing From studio to studio, With voice now haorse, the surfor brought ‘That's speaking novrte you, 1 room and tell my tle. His stary ta aclose, By chance, the trate winds blew me south, They threw me out at And let his cudienee of ane Back horete Malib Alonein peace to doze, At Fx, they seid No sale!THE PLAY BY-PLAY'S THE THING DEPT. The latest trend in TV coverage is known as "In Depth" reporting. Those who follawed the 1964 Political Conventions know what that means .. . armies of “Anchor Men”, “Floor Men”, “Local Color Men“, and “That’s-The-Story-As-I-Looks-From-Here Men"’ interviewing everyone in sight to get the “Pull Story". Because this type of caverage proved successful, it won't be long before unimaginal ietwork big-wigs decide to turn these squads of reporters loose in other areas of television. F'rinstance, MAD new presents @ previow of what to expect in one of the many ‘areas that does nat need this type of coverage, and so will probably get it! Mainly, here is... FOOTBALL “IN DEPTH Mal, | couldn’ have said it better myst Tecertainly fa beautiful, risa, cool day here at Racket Stodsush -. .ceally rest football weather! BUR Wat's coe what books leketa John Hunt cown on the playin field MENS NEES Thing John Hunt, your 1040-20 Yardline Reporter Just seconds ag0, asked coach Albie Vermin ‘what Hed of a fojtvall day It looked lke to him! And here's his answer... recorded just moments ago—thanks toe ‘miracieof videotape. AN Pitrecence tert tserienessnenn I feet hep gta ay om aes So edFans, ae Charo Boe joe rperted, and Thanks That sure waza high kick by Number 88, Groza Spinoza, ram here, t ean beat i lawks have pene Incidentally, while Ward was bringing that regort to kicked off The ball was taken atthe || analysis of us, Rocket halfback Max Shell ran the ksckot! Back Rocket five yard line! But the unusual thing || GGroza Spinaza’s ‘for 8 touchdown! Joe “the T iams then ‘was the height of that kick! dant believe kek, Ward! falled to hick the extra point—the frst time that’s I've seen a taotballgo so high in my fifteen hhappenad in his eareert {years af announcing this great game of pre el {footballl Anyhow, that’s the way the kickott = . locked from herel Naw, Bask tothe booth... ‘And what a career its bean for lost Allstate at Ridley No. pardon me for iat Fish, 3 years a a lea Hi) erica at .C.U. || sansational cate to tle up the gama! Then, Paul z ‘This could realy ‘and 7 years great || Homnreister’s conversion Nek gave the Hawes the : catch the Hawks aff startorthe Rockets ., = Sorry ta-cut in, Mell 5 yard You heard it, euys— agree, Mell That “Quarterback Sneak” QUARTERBACK SNEAK! ‘You'd almost swear that the (| didn't seem to surprise the Hawks one itt Butt sea Rocket quarter ‘Abt showing 2 ry motion at sill For that story e's Gary Kalshine down on the Fela could realty caten ‘the Hawks off usrGary Kalehine here at the side ‘who seems to be regaining eon 7 being tehled by the entire Hswk line! Faw ‘do you feel, Finn? Would you care to tell our viewing, ssugiance you mean “physiealhy™ ‘or vemationally", Finn? thisis about the worst Injury Ivo ever sustained! | Well, Gary, | would guess: Well, that’s the word from here, folks! Later on, ||) Fon Freedman, cur Man-Al-The-Hospital, will be | | Shans tacontinue the intencew lusts sacra | Finn afrivas at tho Emergency Roam! Mainly physically, Gary! Both my legs ace Groban |? Hate ta change the subject, Mel, but uring the past few minutes there's teens lotof scoring downthere By Doth Sites! And ifm net mistaken,Im glad you as that question, Hi é x Bai & hed mie fan ‘Championship zame was Shiu, charging Gee, Mal, I hate There's just encugh time total our listers to Interrupt, tut Z ©) wo Field "a, Ward Eliz at te 20, Arnold Stone at the y Lovitz at the.Te Wg HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS eva MAD FOLD-IN WILL Every year, American college students have come aS up with at least one wild fad. But the wildest COLLEGE craze of them all started recently, and it will continue to get even more frenzied as years go eT by. Future college students will all find them FACE? selves caught up in this maciness. Fold the page in as shown, and you'll see this crazy new bit. Pere FOLO THIS SECTION OVER LEFT —' FOLD BACK SO “AY MEETS “a” COLLEGE FADS OF THE PAST HAVE FEATURED PANTY-RAIDING, GOLDFISH-SWALLOWING AND TELEPHONE BOOTH-STUFFING Colleges will tace [fi tempered mob rule in [fil] Gollege authorities | mounting incidents | the form of wild fads, will be hard-pressed of dangerous short- raids, sit-ins, ete. to contrat such rama |) student facilities. a Ab +BMAD's Great Moments In Advertising THE DAY THEY FORGOT TO PUT THE TOP DOWN FOR THE HERTZ COMMERCIAL