SPECIAL “MIDDLE-OF-THE-ROAD” ISSUE i = July ‘65NOW... YOU CAN BUILD YOUR OWN HANGING MODEL OF THE RIDICULOUS MAD ZEPPELIN cicoieeres eens UL A Ae oe Se IN THIS LATEST MAD ANNUAL Yep—along with the usual high-flying, up-lifting, lighter-than-airy articles, features, ad satires and other garbage, you get a full-color, die-cut, pop-out, pre-slotted-and-tabbed, do-it-yourself MAD ZEPPELIN CONSTRUCTION KIT On Sale Now at All Newsstands...and even a few Oldsstands!NUMBER 86 JULY 1965 "Ouse of the biggest improvements we could make ia the American Home is ta stke the scale out of the bathrage cnet pati in front ofthe refrigerator!” “Alfred £. Neuman WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT D. FELDSTEIN editor JOHN FUTHUMC arf creeior LEONARD wABNNEx Production LTOaY bk TUSee, HiGK MITEL astiate etare MAHI J- SEMA Eaetudth RCIA AERNSTEI ubiticity SLORIA OREAN, CELIA MORELLE, MMAR GRILLE suieipsvomt ‘he waual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT ‘The Lighter Side Of The Boss ......- DEPARTMENT OF THE INFERIOR DEPARTMENT ‘Substandard Brands, Inc. ..... ee : DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT ‘On The Job ..- Sea Perea) In Injun Territory ...-22+.ceeeee ee 238 Tha Indignant Husband... 2.0.2.2 cscs 248 HOE-HUM DEPARTMENT MAD's Seod And Garden Catalogue --..-.0.-0-.0.0000--+. 98) HOLLERIN' UNCLE DEPARTMENT The Man From AUN.TLE, «0... seer arts eet JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spe Var SOV gh tas Co cae Desires ae 29: Spy Ve. Spy Ve. Spy eee . ‘ +40 LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail ...... ee MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Cut Dramas . . OFF BUT STILL “ON” DEPARTMENT ‘Show Biz Celebrities In Everyday Life ..eseeceecseeeee 080 ‘OUT, DAMNED SPOT! DEPARTMENT TV-Commercial Ads ......2.2.e+ccssees sagnoccetsh OUT OF LEFT FIELD DEPARTMENT Baseball Fato-Plays ........ Pecans PREVIEWS OF DRUMMING-UP- ATTRACTIONS | Future Sales Gimmicks For More Conservative Institutions ...24 SOCKO B.0, DEPARTMENT ‘Crazy Fiats (Another Gutsy MAD Movi) ...2.c.0.ss0ccssee4 SPONSOR SPEAK WITH FORKED TONGUE DEPARTMENT Unspoken Messages in TV Commercials « 18 "Various Places Around The Magazine eet a "geeetd San SUBSTANDARD BRANDS, INC, (ANEW MAD SUBSIDIARY) MAD's SEED AND GARDEN CATALOGUE Pg. 29 MAD's Tv. COMMERCIAL AIDS CRAZY FISTS (ANOTHER GUTSY MAD MOVIE) Po. dt FUTURE SALES: GIMMICKS FOR CONSERVATIVE, INSTITUTIONS Pg. 24WE'VE COME OF AGE! MAINLY, WE'VE TURNED 21— MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS, THAT IS! AT YOUR FAVORITE BOOKSTAND—OR YOURS BY MAIL —-use COUPON oR oUPLICAT! POCKET DEPARTMENT a 850 Third Avenue Now York, N. ¥.10022 219-c0a. PLEASE SEND ME: TENGLOSE 502 FOR EACH (CD The MAD Reader ) The Organization MAD Greasy MAD Stuff [MAD strikes Back Cl Like MAD. 1 Threa Ring MAD Binside MAD Ci The Ides of MAD Seif Made MAD (utterly MAD CoFighting MAD: IAD Sampler [Dihe Brothers MAD CG] The MAD Frontior (DON MARTIN Steps Out BThe Bedside MAD © 5) MAD in Orbit (DON MARTIN Bounces Back (son of MAD Tike Voodes MAD CIDAVE BERG Looks AL Tha U.S.A. Pf xr Ve care! bw apo JAMES HOMB—007 to say, been reais doe for four yeas ray atu articles which everdhclesamcsiog, But, ia pour ‘Apel sue (#94), you had the emery ae the grestst ofall Seton char James Bond. T hope you get thous Olesen reprimnncing yas Be iting this absurd atile ubrowaky, New York Cicy "Jarmes Bomb—007" was the greast rusia Saige you Baye once dene, Not Only were Drocker’s deawings vnucally ‘ood, but Jacoby musical adaption of Songs from “Oklahoma” were as great 88 the originale Jack Bourque Fioreace, Mas You came theaugh! Your treatment of ings “character,” James Bord, iy deserved. 11 MAD had missed the apportunigy ta do a parody oa such & suitable topic, L would have been disp. pointed. Frank W. Tushar Winona, Mino Perhaps you aze ant T just read an announcement that a musical, based 00 ah Bond szoiag 10 be wwricen by Sylvia Fine. You sure showed them how ic could be done. Bil Williams Evanston, fb ‘As 2 fellow Englishman, 1 thoroaghly ceajojed your marvelous satire 0m mck Bool John Tindall Miami, Fl SEASONS’ GREETINGS ‘We lore reading MAD! It adds “spice” oour life,PLAYING FAVORITES ‘own of Boy, was Gloris Scavers Editor-In-Chief 16 Magazine New York City MOREMAD ESP? ‘Are you gays some sort of prophets? Enclosed is 4 news photo of Ringo Sure tnd his bride, which appeared Ja every seopuper aca the cory on Fe, 1 NEUROTIC MAIL Thank you 39 very quch for "Neuro Magarioe" ia. issue Ie really bic teste Tocidensly: Tir ot econ ated swath the writer, Stan Hare Who told fim so much about me? Don. Block Brooklyo, N.Y. scl aay under te imprest cat there already was a magazine for Neurat: srampely MAD! However, I really ‘enjoved the article, In fas, E rend it over fand over atx over aad over atl over ned over and aver aad Steve Salo Bachan, Cait, DEAR “JOHN LETTER Jusca note of thanks in grmeful appsc- ciation, anda recommendation for MAD. ‘Lawait each isswe eagerly. In fact, it was only thcie“Alfed thc hed my eileen s fonerest long enaugh co accomplish rile sein. Ata Palen le OU tory nas imperative tn Sapporo! ieniy ceremony eee Mrs. Ruth Weimer Randolph, Mass. ‘Yeoh, but what about our reputation?—Ed, GOOD TO LAUGH AT ONE'S SELF to reduce all phases ‘of man endeavor to sparkling satire ‘akes your publication a teal milestone in literary achievement. It's good to laugh at one's too: short wo ¢pea in f state of woery or constane ansicty. Per- haps the woeld would be a better place if Mao and Kesygia would sead and heed the philosophy of MAD. ‘Your unique a Charles T. Joyner Chesapeake, Vs ‘Thott be the day—ishen Nas end Kesrsi con laugh : Okay, cfods. suctsoeded! in planting your suggestion In my RAKE IN EACH ISSUE... AT HOME! SUBSCRIBE TO TRALAID - AND SAVE 40¢ ON 8 ISSUES ‘OR A BIG $2.20 ON 24 ISSUES! use coupon or duplicate: MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS 850 Third Avenue New York City, N. Y. 10022 enough of this crop! You have fertita bain, 80 I'm throwing in the trowel and subscribing! Naw, while you'll be galling 1 green thumb from my money, | will probably grow inte a blooming Idict...and go to pot! THAT ABOUT COVERS IT {don't expece you to prine hi, bese 1 kooo the lait eng you'd sae to te called in pubsi bs "senteneata” but T Phoro you envisioned he carries ia his fale (MAB #517 fac, mon of she Bewspapers cazied the same gag line for Secvtan auigh: “Hint kugss New son fe right Joan Darcy Jersey City. (MARGINAL THINKING Those litle pietare-pigs you stiek i the margins to rake up space are funnier than the rest of your magazine! Micky Zamarchi Greenlawn, N.Y. sean ya to hn ha hi va ee af you tochange the cover on your Frontice” papertack boot, froen one of Alfie om a rocking chair to ane of bien om ‘cavered wagon Not many magazines sould go wth much trouble out of ree spect far te late Presdcar Kenacdy Tinh Assit Betrois, Michigan PERSONNA NON GRATA I've tied (Coo-<00) magazine and (Comeco) magazine, bur T fad that MAD gs ebe 25 t0 30 snore kicks per issue. Maialys whee 1 buy a doy. oir ‘Mom kicks me around the house, Gary Fiirdge Hide Creeks Mich Please address oll carrespandence te: AD, Dept. 98, 850 Third Avene ew York, Ninw York 10022 OL encese S500, (C1 enclose $2.00.* Pirase enter my name on your sub- stipton i, aml me tho neat isan cf MA la enter my fame on ae i ist, and mail oe the pat 24 ie of MAD) Alfred f, Nourssa MAD t2S¢ ench (3 for $009. Toay ett exraping a Maroney ws MAD, Deze WhatDEPARTMENT OF THE INFERIOR DEPT. Bay, are we sick and tired of manufacturers who keep on bragging about their dubious wares. Mainly, their products are either “the purest” or “'the finest” or ‘the best” or some other such similar falsehood! And be- sides, what makes these blowhards think that the public always wants SUBSTANDARD “You can be sure it’s ch BORROWING A CAR « RENTING A CAR? ¢ STEALING A CAR? Then why pay premium Cor even regular) prices for gasoline? PUT A TURKEY IN YOUR TANK! ‘Why Worry About Piston Ping... Carburetor Cough... Blasts From The Exhaust? FILL "ER UP WITH THE WORLD'S CHEAPEST FUEL IMMOBILEGAS ..AND REMEMBER...IT’S NOT YOUR CARI ech als E ‘A Prod of the Petroleum Divistan of Substandard Brands, inc IMMMOBILEGAST"quality? Don't they realize that there's a vast, untapped market in tnis country for out-and-out junk? After exhaustive research, we've discovered that there are lots of times when people merely want ta buy the cheapest possible product, regardless of quality. And s0, MAD hereby launches - BRANDS, INC. ap...if it's Substandard!” erent RONALD AXE & SOL WEINSTEIN ‘YOUR HOUSE THE “COMMUNITY CENTER” OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD? DOES IT OVERFLOW WITH HUNGRY BRATS WHO ROB YOUR CUPBOARD AND YOUR POCKETBOOK, EATING BAG AFTER BAG OF HIGH-PRICED ADDICTIVE POTATO CHIPS? MOTHER—IT'S HIGH TIME THAT YOU SWTCHED TO LOU'S POTATO CHIPS “The only chip fried in crude oil—a bagful is a year’s supply!” “Bet you can't finish even one!" Most 5 J Lou's Potato Potato Chips... Chips... © ‘A Preduet of Substandard Brands, Inc.Tired of “Gotfee-Clatching" with cackling hens? Discourage their dropping in! Serve them... Do you hate being socially obligated to send ‘greeting cards to all kinds of people who are CHEESE & SANDBAG = orn fo ese Coffee CARDS Feapi fy uhday | [for 1965 through 1975) ‘THE COFFEE SERVED AT THEBOWERY FLOPHOUSE HOTEL, “Ineosts alot less—because you geta lotiess!” a SS “A very special birthday wish tewhat this card imapiress ‘Anwish to last you ten more yeare— (That's when this card expires!) In Deepest Sympathy ey 8 m1 2 ya SHO a ao feo Soe at ia juat autay! ‘When you don's care ta send the very best send the very cheapest! WHAT MA. CHEESE DION'T KNOW ABOUT COFFEE (Ni SANBAG DIDN'T KNOW EITHER SCHLOCKMARK CARDS ‘of Substandard Brands, Inc.” characters in literature (Mickey “Secret Agent! Spillane's “Mike Hammer”)! And characters in movies (Ian Fl 1 y got the most preposterous "Private Eye Sceret Agent” character of them all—on the most preposterous medium of them all—tclevision! We're talking about the guy on the weckly NBC-TY show called RHE eA We passed the ordinary oking {Bide presung oninay ooking rage | GUC ee crac ae eriestt® fl comand pulled coer the apeSa maybe you could help met Mine partner abaconded with al our ‘aah ond he's gambling away in Lay Voges! for AULN-T.LE—an international ‘organization for prosarving law and ‘orGer all over the civilzo¢ warlat batore | ella capt P| What money! I pay them $209 2 week! But now lot's step out into the street and sce what preposterous "tongueia- (St cheek” adventure awaits Us this wack! W's in my contract ‘with NBCI Gn this show, gett iss a giet ceverytwo minutes! = Boy, what a rough day | had yesterday! ‘was assigned the 4 P.M, to 12 shift {0 pul down a plot ef 40,000 warped Congo selenite tablow up the world! APPAR” AGT OWE— “Ff Think vu Gry i"ie've got to be careful, Napoleon! Gur hated enemy ofganizaticn “CRUSH” has agents everywhere! | don't trust anyone! ‘To me everyone locks suspicious! Even ‘that innocent ooking Flawer Lady! Wall, since thrive on adventure think tako a chance! |) What that, ‘Napoleon? What's incredibie? Thatwe keap || ping ary forave agents of of the ‘Ret nto the dialogue!” Meanwhile, we're letting the Flower Lady got away!——_ Be careful, Napoloont if she's || Of course i's a trick! Her lips aro tipped 8 fro "CRUSH." she's | with = deadly ido of cura 'm way at 4 probably been sesigned to bill ‘youl That kiss may be a trekt as ha isl Why not ive mea pressing nt utcrackin! For you Uhave the most pressing assignment we've ever Thad! Go over to the machina snd have these Pressed by 6 o'clock! ws Napoleon's. wardrobe and he has to look slick for this mission— Aband ct —— A Fronch Countess posina like ACT THREE —“Nice Day If It Don’t Rain!” atts ‘Well, heré 1 am in Yupostaviat wna | aaenacasccm, | | anememraceraunras Seat an ee ner | oe a cndtiooaneneer Son ea ae the flame-throwers aimed at us from ae ener oa “ = the Poison-Dart BlowGuns hiding Inthe apple sauce jars! Vd better call AUNTLE ar insteuctions with ray Pinning Work Wige Shor.ani thle? Where Not Thet was | are we now? STUP at | forgot to detach the PullOut a Accorciatathat ‘You know wat that “anguein-cheek”™ dialoguel Fram now ous Agent is going to get is chance at all te beautiful womea and wid, unbatie "A! Sa you te an tats Sipe tata | Fevetnown'Se you wane women and wild adventures! to cut nan my beautsul | Mot? Are-you kidding?! Who needs your women-and adventures! {have more ino ‘movie than you fave in a whole TV season! |J ‘No, | was merely hired to capture you ky ‘the man who's wanted your jab for some time! HE's the one wo needs namen anc f) wild adventures! Hoo-boy. Is he frustrated? Sa weer | tt ASSOCIATION for U NAUSEATING TEL Nt INBELIEVABLY. | VISION and IMENT... anc ‘hank God Im through with ItDON MARTIN DEPT. PART |‘OUT OF LEFT FIELD DEPT. Here we go again with MAD's little game which consists of taking typical action sports shots—like the kind we've been subjected to in newspapers and magazines— and captioning them with appropriate idiotic remarks. Like f'rinstance these...... ARNIE says in my contract, that tm entited toa 7th teh! Pa know i's @ tight garre, Dut stil don't understang how you could drap a fly ball because the "moon got in your eyes"0 Tm mating $1p0,000—and Roger 2 $75,000—thal on'y leaves you Sith Sef salary of $57.0 « week! How much wil 1 be finest a {FF pane youn he DalleVike to, Roger, ut it wold load silly Ifwo “choose for it" in dont of ail these peaple!az Aa JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT, PARTI aie,SPONSOR SPEAK WITH FORKED TONGUE DEPT, Do you listen closely to TV commercials? Of course not! That's what the sponsors and their flunkies at the advertising agencies count on when they plan their messages—that you won't UNSPOKEN MESSAGES ARTIST: 108 ORLANDO fal My husband's work ciathes used ta come cut streaked and ‘dirty’ when | used old-fashioned washday methods.’ New, with new lesproved Shi his grimy sweatshirts tum sparkling white. | found that # got twenty-four clean smonth shaves from the Pursehonor stainless steel blade, ‘compared to-only five or six ‘ram {eaokon}! and {eook00)"* steel blades, and if you don’t get more shaves than any other blade, ‘we'll buy you (cookoo}+ or (cook09}* oF whatever you think is better.* My Fisigge & Stratton power lawn mower ZEN oldest wos Hay Seon axe ‘n't a competitive stainless steel razor blade, SSreally be paying attention. Because they fill their sales pitches with cleverly worded phrases and facts that sound like one thing, but actually mean another. Watch now, as MAD exposes... IN TV COMMERCIALS Yes did, Mr. Reimers!" Hall of my lass brushed regulary ¥ ‘witn Grepse Taothpaste wh: ‘the other half used a bran without fluoride. was in fp the Grepse group, and after ‘six months, Thad 43% fewer fy Bi Las Angeles, California— crushing home from school! ‘tell his parents some wonderful news. You teak part in an unusual test recently, didn't you, Becky? 1aTbe Hollywood Traing Schoo! for Child Actors, zoHed receive a A+ In “Produet-Testimonial Sincerity", ‘SoFor the ual fe, of course, {Or any other normal toothpaste ingredients. te fact. 1 veasairplane gag in unmarked tubes. S—Whien iswhat wav expected, since I had 48% fewer tcth ‘m glad | sat down and had & talk with my Provincial ‘Agent. | abways sesumed {hat the sole purpose of Life Incurance was to [odk efter my loved anes wien | was jgone.# Now, with the help of the man from Provincial.® TI have the flexible coverago | need to educate my. ‘children to protect he Investment [ave in my Homes | 2] Pd tee yet om anal mosis my {ees ute (C1 had ea stad after aeing bow long he ed, my feet would've giver out. 2 Rut twarwrong shout that. With the fatcammlssian ‘Ute Agent collects, 've asp laoked after bis loved ‘ones when he's pons, _Phis the help ofall the maney I sold borrow ta tke ‘aur ebeae new polis, 4-ldmy children ever get flexible enough to De educated. Which would ve been nies exeept tha Thad toe my hive To bly the polices protec the investment Tet haveany more ‘$--Now the only financial worries Tl have years is here feet morse tay ny dnsurance premiums, o@hetsco 13OFRBUT STILE “ONE DEPT. | After watching Show Biz Celebrities chat- ting on TV, after seeing them table hop at fancy restaurants, and after reading those ridiculous things about them in the gossip columns, we started to wonder: Just where does the Unreal Celebrity end, and where does the Real Person begin? And then a horrible thought occurred to us, mainly: What If one doesn't end, and what if one doesn't begin? In other words, what if Celebrities always talk and act the same, whether they're in the spotlight or out of it? Here, then, is how we at MAD picture SHOW BIZ CELEBRITIES IN ORDINARY LIFE SITUATIONS The Mystery Guest Relative ‘Al sgt members of the Daly tpi, you've i been wearing is allday now ‘waiting tor the arial (of our fameus wen | sortie | questioning ‘eth my | Are you now on Broadway? The Guest Garbage Dumper My Brg! Welcome) Ji ‘Shey arbors con) | avandia | yout drape | ‘Thanks, Judy! it was ewell of you to invita ma here with my garbage to be a par atyour great rash ean!) seo my can is all lll | The Table-Hopper In His Own | Weicome home, Phil, deart Ive | ota penta foryoreriget_| rine eeftaucinbe| aunty ewnoroct importance ova cman tough hehe Whe Plumper the TV Repatena, |= [the man from Internal J” You look fantastic, Doll an— | there are same people I knav an tha other side ef the bitehen! ‘Ming if taba nap reo ‘Are you going appearing ia ‘to appear at ‘Bread bax[So J Wel, Frm prey tuety, Juayt | || Shai) Doo Garage... foe | Hey, Judy, now I have-some wonder wwe do [lll] Garbage... [TU] Remember this || about this. woncerful garbage 2nd whet d ‘your bag tonight | | people helping me make a@duet| The meal Fate| | one, Bina... 7 Binal The egg shells | | this wonderful garbage! My Judyt| | ismnow just aor fabulous, and | | wonderful wile, Kathy, f the melon rinds-smell fi divine! ‘You and the | Garbage... | you're the dop! Night and the You're hunk af Dad—sweetie! | Caughtyau shaving | Try the ehiekan fricassea| Look, everybedy, let's seamore of Fido, sweetie!| | Arf. Great morning. Pop, tonight, sweetheart! It's act athar! Why don’t you give me “Yea leak Phil, bulous strakest beautifull ‘allt 'm in the book! Oh, there's fantastiel! | Baby —— gameone | know in another partaf 7 Uie Kitchen Mind I tabiehop? sorry, evoryaody, but you have jad to guess the Mystery Guest Relative It's Chief Justice Earl | Warren of the U.S. Supreme Court! Daly house, We wear blindfold} all day until the Mystery Guest Rolative arcives—but once he reveals himself, all family members must remove tne! fl ‘quest speeches | w= [execs 7 | ees alee eas she cu nave tree it ows ees Tha ay ae ew, Mc?A Medley Of Clich&s From A Great Old Aunt Folks, let's hear ittor the | ¢S05)Well, Marvin, I'd ike (S08) For my| | And finaly, pride of the Tucker family—a__ to start off my parformance fest ramari, a the ta living legend” In Family Bis usual by sobbing for a “They don't V'dike to." gay. ($08) who's visitng us tonight! She few hourst And then, like | | write clichés say... S00){[l Thank you, and isone of the warmest. most | to say... (SOB)... ts that like that My, my, Maw |_| God biess yout ‘emotional people |kagw! | mylittie nephew Westbrook | any more! | time fires! t What clichés ara you going | sitting over there? {just can't todo forustonight, gel over how he's grown! ‘Aunt Saphie? ‘Aunt Sophie! Hew | Aunt Sophie, ‘Thank you! You're a wonderful, wonderful Wiey, More. hav come Whattya say, folks? ‘Are wo going to let her go aff without Jdaing anather cliehé?} ‘Maro... mana «| A lamp just fell on ‘bout your al how about: family! And now. formy encore. rd ‘Aunt Sophie ls smillng | here, dear. ‘ime favorite: "We should like ta introduce a cliché witten by my ‘now? Hew came she she's in reat We should eee i lve ‘own Aunt, Boek in 1896. Fhope you like it! | suddenly stopped exying?| pain! She oniyeries more of anch ethort™? | and be welll"? > > 2 when she's happy Westbrook, my boy... remember. it's just ‘Be eany ta marry rich girl as 8 poor one! Saaieecaamarn = <= q We're in liek, Sandra! Right real fun-burlal today! Help. fer the scheduled funeral ourselves to the hors ‘they're throwing a Sneak ‘sammy! ouvres! Ths anes with [Burial fora famaus show Biz] ithe black tooth pleks are for personality! ‘the immediate family! rm sorry you last your Aunt, dollingt Fo ery wath you, but] cour hankios clash! Dino fs especially wellplastored today, no's the UElyJOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART IiPREVIEWS OF DRUMMING-UP ATTRACTIONS DEPT. ‘With all the supermarkets and discount centers being erected across the country in recent years, ‘competition omong these businesses has increased to a point where they have had to resort to some TODAY’S TYPICAL “SALES 5 THR MSI Dorcel ease NN For “Shopping Centers”. THis Week ONS Seecial Dotter SAF EVRY EM IN THis: S0cion ete Just ‘ut seriously. ‘alks—a funny thing happened to me on the way to this Grand Opening! | (Grana Opening? Didn't this 4 Shopping Center ‘open in 1961? Sima nish the following veeaetins warde or Test aL eaPeNse ruin Te re wrnaotarata fa eM MEER ‘took rat: ‘Toba OWLY FRoM & To 4p eM. Aiickey Spillane: notecawihoe will | bec hand ta give out sutaprachst Hey. what's seingon verer Hello. there ‘ ae Sovings with a warm f ELco: wtinaet Te He RENEE OOM] Sea ete ens p Sepa Fit First Cede RAL || “to'ctacty te some thine! Te Savings Bank = vena ent eg a n't the ashesextreme measures in order fo pull in customers. And now, fo moke malters worse, even conservative insfitutions like banks are following in their footsteps. For example, here ore only a few of... & PROMOTIONAL’ GIMMICKS Warren: LARRY $1 EGE aes Ga non ae Hee eae aay arvenTen FuLicll Ro RT 8 IL FL aetna eye SAE een ae aT SSE BSS pe eae oes wh Tae rhe Meat RE CoS aT ei say ST eee ea HE EDITS GRATING ANNOUNCEMENT FROM MY DRONING, NASAL VOICE! REDEMeTIon Let's son... with this ‘newspaper Coupon, you eat Ze off on a barat ‘agmiration Soap! n't that a wwandertul saving? Would yau care to try # sample Finnk Hot Dog? I'm not so: sure now! To get the coupon, | had to pay 10¢ for a newspaper that 1 Listen, i gro YOU 200 Free Trading Stamps fi avo iivaur checker openmt [1] 200 Free Trading Stamps PI if you close your mauth fora whet | tried one tive minutes age! Where's the irl with You tet ie saves you the inconveniences of standing en “howe endless fines at the You say tat fT deposit $25 4 week beginning this Christmas, in 52 weeks I'l have earned 31/3007 Listen, t can earn that aniount by patting the maney in ‘an old $8ek! | maa, you don ven pay interest or dividends ‘or anything of it? Tall me, haw ould Christmas Clubs po: brighten up my Christmas ¢ worth $4000—ane that oun was Ger Grant's. and it's worth $2700—but that gun over thore with the words "Junior Ranger” on it Jaoke like one of my id's toys! Haw could that gun be worth $188,000? “Thavehow much A wasworth to Louls Fenwick witen he robbed this bank wth last mont but they certainly brighten ia OUR Chrietmas!Naturally, it follows that with competition getting rougher and rougher in other fields every day, it's only a matter of time FUTURE “SALES & PRO FOR EVEN MORE CONS For “Hospitals”... {ATTENTION PLEASE! ANNOUNCING A SPECIAL SALE IN OUR ‘GPERATING ROOM! FOR THE NEXT 15 MINUTES, THERE WiLL i Lace tan you went aiden dese asian 36,000 Grean Stamps you jut got For youre ‘wite's quintuplets for 9 Cal AS, a Fine... shall | wrap up? ‘ATTENTION PLEASE! ANNOUNCING A SENSATIONAL TAI Hane, Sir, Wat = "TWO-IN-ONE SALE! FOR THE NEXT 5 MINUTES, ‘43 books of stamgs—and ALL MUSEUM PATRONS BUYING RODIN SCULPFURE dort know— there Is your ganuine REPRODUCTIONS WILL RECEIVE ABSOLUT A eae ‘Then wy do Dinosaur Egg! Shall vrs GENUINE STUFFED AFRICAN GORILLA. ae trey say he ‘wrap it up tor you? = (gin %will start using “Shopping Center” tricks. For example, here are MOTIONAL’ GIMMICKS ; ERVATIVE INSTITUTIONS a before even less likely conservative institutions like banks q Tat student gure tainted [nthe galery Tuners tet om “SALTinve-Reeard” . +. Sean SNe eee hepa al ete ' eee Sige p ( e Sec st 5 Zooo% aaa Gea w sce boul ee Fae a's gallstones BS - fice 20 Hey ri $ i bal "stroncater Oo ip ste von I oe Taye Pav! Arka newer had o suitstonest you drop in ands rfllo tou Chis} Surgeon De. wel se eon a yess the age cin aang | "e} ODEIceNHaWER S| wipe here OEiGiRAL, RaitaFor “Churches”... A CONTEST Guess wha: Suecong 4 Heir singing while our 2FgANist is playing Roek oF Aes" || ee Aeneuneing. A Z ot Or eine D by Py sbi OUS 4 5 Men esau ei ines a ie Spirited ‘Wilsan pasees the [tm platens ler CusisTvAs Clue. \ ROME |HOE-HUM DEPT. one of Americans ur vthsse nous €0 ot op tons of 4ir aivies Titel io Kew Rata yen, tn organ £2 BINS Te of outooreae? maser ef erab EPR: Se and Por atioer nae ridieuleus si ate Shere not Braue BresEO ators Haey Spying Fave Banton o WRITER: Prank Jacons SEEDS 25: [. ete wanes wap'e man's man's mapts GIANT PANSY CHINESE $$ STEWED LADY'S-SLIPPER REDWOOD TREE Seeds CABBAGE TOMATO Soods 4 Bence seece wae ! arsenate a el ea ee ie" ‘ef aya, seat eure! abs | MAD's MAD's: MAD's MAD's MAD's : LCRISANTHAMUN: — FORCET-ME-HOT © BLACK-EYED PICKLED NIGHT-BLOOMING CRESANTHEMUM.. Sods ‘SUSAN BEETS ‘SPURIOUS CRUSANTHIMUR ; seeds, Seogs ‘Seeas DAISY SeedsGARDEN Siamese Lawn Sprinkler Bea to ange tre anes Fain Goddess, Swnie Scag et ‘ol faders and birds atthe fame time $21.98 Though never a Prize-Winner, this hardy variety is always available, It will root any- where, and change its colors to adapt to new surroundings. This rapid-growing yellow hybrid is almost guaranteed to increase its size until it dominates your entire garden. The plant must be pruned often, or it will encroach on borders of other flowers, EQUIPMENT Dependable Manure Spreader ‘Our famous Mesere Spread has newet been equaled for peri ge corey lib gang. tines, coste Woe acts doy to eed. Wl da the ob when dar speci Beak down Hay entra. $9895 This cheerful variety requires 3 great deal of liquid nourishment. Itusually has a mellow look, and performs best when it is potted.GARDEN EQUIPMENT Decoy Ants Exploding Plants And Shrubs HYBRID ROSES $425 ‘The Jayne Mansfield ‘The Rokert Kennedy iy popular variety shyla teBERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. el ELE: LIGHTER SIDE OF Timay be just a Stoek Reom Boy non—but | [I may be Justa Shipping Clark nowt Traay te Justa Chie Cerk now but one fone of tesa days, I'm gorma work my way one of these gays il maks that Chief Of these days I'm gonna shiow up that [UD and grab thet Shipping Clerk's jo! Glerk move ovar end fll grab his obl ‘Office Manager and arab his Job! of A ~ 2 2 ty £1 BS a = 2 Py 5 =) Gr a Gee, Boss, ‘you lak beter than went on that diet! up! rate i T planned | fo say! Don't kiss mel I've got 2 ‘didn’t notice she Ned a eal toreible cold! You dan't "she kidding? Sho just didn’t want ‘do.you think T pay you want your whole atfles to to kiss me, that’s all! She rejected mo, coffee? Get back ta wark emich it. do you? that's what she idl And I'm hurt! Ani = when t gat hurt, 1 get madt RealOFFICE OF THE PUBLISHER MEMO TO: The i = Just sav this article. Fire es Bere! | {may be just an Office Manager novr—ut [ Seer ‘ll this respansiblity aad aggravation ne af these days I'm gonna convince them Dut one of these days, he'll make @ and headaches ahd heartaches! Wa needs | desarve the View President's job! | Seat ibe President of thistirm! } { ‘Rt I wish! were a Stock Roam Boy again! Te get to unwind! I need a change of pacel Tenizhe, let’: have an evening of fur and ‘gares 20 F can got my mind off businass completely! Hallo, dear I've been thinking! Wasn't that considerate of me ‘otto kiss you this morning 50 your office wauldn'teatch? ‘You call this a letter? With twa erasures? Wy ‘don't you learn to type? That's net typing ‘you're doing, that's hunt-and Listen, Sturdiey, Ill have no more of , your stupid mistakes! Remember, you ci bbe replaced exslly~by an LBM. machine!ive bao trying te solve a problem at the office for weeks now! All night long, I've had a troubled sleeo! ‘nd just now, in sort of 3 hall-dream, the solution ‘ame to me! Quick! Hand me a pencil'and paper so Teen write itdown before | forget i! ‘When | came to this town, | But | was ambitious, #0 1 only had $23 ia my peckat! Se ‘Strupgled ane saved an week ept my nose to the grind- vaeatiane—and awe my ‘tang until | finally went ‘creditors aver $50,000! Into tusiness for myself > ih, how | know these cry- ‘He's hinting for 8 babies! Next, he's going raise! Next, hol te It to tell me thst just mg about hi wouldn't understand! ‘WHATS THISH FIFTY-FIVE, But, Mr, Maxwell V don't To tell the truth, numbers ‘aur FIPTY.FIvE GENTS... CENTS FOR ALONG DISTANCE | | get iti You ceal in hundreds: bathe mel A hundred ‘THAT | UNDERSTAND!! PHONE CALUH ALL RIGHT— ‘of thousands of dallare ‘nousane dollars is beyond ‘WHO'S THE BIG SPENDER | | every day! Why should such a ‘my eamprefiension . « WITH Mi MONEY? ‘small amount bather you!‘ABnnh The sun's in ies heaven, aw what's ‘my problem ts tolved, and all's right with the world! Where's that Idea I weate dawn? in regard to inventory build-up and ‘ising labor costs, sigale the mpm, and muggle all cobsko ugalphmps."#tP ie 5 ‘ il & NY - me Boy this trnaae pty of (ees aE et mydaupmers fecocting vo} | now business OE pet else ae nl punted Coelrence" : i) No, Boss! You've got me all wrongs] Vim not hinting for a raisel I'm just| trying to explain to you why I'l be company can't afford it! Second, you dan’ deserve it! Ana third—the fact Is, ‘were thinking of letting you go... leaving in two weaks! I've taken 3 now job tat pays. me much more! His business is falling his world i collapsing about iem—and yet nea stage with bis bead heleDON MARTIN DEPT. PART II INJUN TERRITOR ee DINK. IN ook‘OUT, DAMNED SPOT! DEPT. HIE SE Some time back (MAD *81), we published “The MAD Plan For Beating TV Commercial Breaks” which offered suggestions and methods for effectively, productively and enjoyably filling the valuable timo taken up by idiotic TV ads. Now, MAD offers the following article for those lazy slobs who just cannot bring themselves ta leave thelr TV set for something constructive ....who just sit there, enduring the pain of those ridiculous commercials. For you, MAD has created these TV-COMMERCIAL AIDS OR, HOW TO LIVE WITH TELEVISION COMMERCIALS— AND STILL NOT GO OUT OF YOUR EVER-LOVIN’ MIND ARTIST & WRITER AL JAFFER pp comes on like a 2l-gun salute just plains, it tke a mad dash ta the set in ander AV tommen Then he's gue to stand there farA SIMPLE REMOTE SOUND-CONTROL DEVICE THAT ANYONE CAN MAKE ‘This is a simple Remate Control unit which any idiot can speaker has wo wires Cand B which come from TW chassis ad ae ict fom Wires Catone othe ad connect Es 2 and emi Rand B wn ordinary “On-O8" site & (purchased of speaker wire ay shown in coseup drawing. ‘Tape bare at any batdlware store) to TV set speaker ¥. Note chat TV splices, and your Remote Control is ready for operation. ADDITIONAL COMPONENTS THAT COULD MAKE For the really dedicated TV-Commercial hater, the enough. So here are more sophisticated approaches: ‘simple Remote Contral "Sound-Off" Unit may notbe te the problem, These can be assembled and instal- FUNNY MOUTHINGS UNIT WANE Dee ee Le BEES Oe nvLeny ae Oe pa Tes as Fa anette cee nee eri crm Se eee Since a atl picuwe ix a poor travel plowres or action show, the viewer can employ his allie unit will Solte every nny otauthings, or musical accompaniment or combination pitiure projector unit i coupled wid all the others to of both. In fact, when TV programs themselves are bad, it fo on when sound ts knocked off. Along with preselected provides good uninterrupect! feature-lengeh entertainment.VIEWER ENJOYING HOMEMADE “TV-COMMERCIAL SOUND-OFF” DEVICE AND NOW 4 FROM See ESSage — Imaginct Now=vith this simple Remote Control Unicjust what fom it is when you reallwe that you're destroying. @ 4 ikk of your finger and you've Knocked of the sand commercial thit cot a apomor maybe 890000 ar nrowe to ind rendered fuelective an Qifesive FV commercial! Atal provuce with a writ Uist com you Taaybe 30¢ t produce! TELEVISION VIEWING ALMOST WORTHWHILE led in one or more units, depending upon how much business. Just look how much of it has been spent time and money one wants to waste on this silly already just to bring you this ridieulous article. DRAW CURTAIN UNIT ‘STILL PICTURE UNIT This companent is designed for those viewers who preter fot wo teafe their tical dnterlutes marred BY, "rpm ut ly clowen curtain over mth component can be added. ft sutomatially liminating disgusting views of bad fullcolor photo iat ix both” pleatane and. inspirasional icy 80 viewer cau cat a snack, tw Took at while listening to music and cating a sack. MOST EFFECTIVE REMOTE CONTROL UNIT POSSIBLE However, after carefully checking out this season's TV af exposing yourself to tclevision brain-rot, your eit ollrings we're come to the concusion dha the programs ca be clevitad and murtored by more worthwhile pret fare just a3 iri ing, Frinanee. And we're not talking commercials, and that this Like reailing, Er ue best remot is rag, You clad! ‘Try something constructive! 39 ‘you ean use. Now, instead reading.JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART ISOCKO B.O, DEPT. And now, in the tradition of “Flying Ace” (Map #93) and “Son Of Mighty Joe Kong” (Map #94) which you all loved .. . er—liked . . . well—tolerated again returns to the era of “Gutsy Movi Were men, Women were women, and would-be musicians preferred to become Prize Fighters because they had Frankiel What happened to yau? - Map once when men ets eral 1 was playing Tiddly-Winks—and | fost! ‘You dan't foo! me! Yeu Been inna fight! hy you get inna fight? You a good Boy! pall || = good boy! Nabody picks on a ‘gonna learn haw to use ryt willever best meup again . " Frankie, don't talk ike that! Yau breaks mother's eta! And you dan’t exactly da wonders forthe tiver! You forget akout fighting and go upstairs and 7 a use that carny ald “transition seene"”—where we see. alittle bey playing an Ocarina badly. erasing up into ‘a handsome young man, stil playing an Ocarina badly! That's-why f got inna fight! Beeause rm bi boys know how to use their ists! 4 E . : Mh i Fis batieugien i Mal MAAAAA-ALL Somebody goofea! T's the wrong “Transition Sean"!Wen use, Mal I've made up my mindl Th {gn't for mel 've gotta learn how to: Speciat Effects” guys ‘Ath, that's better! Hey, Mal Look wnat ‘a handsome guy | Oh, these grow up inta while Sere este a GRAZY FISTS! | knows it daesn’t make any sense, Dut sane tof is fart ei, Mat ‘m goin’ to the Gym... ‘Na goa of mine is gonna learn to be ‘3 stumbie-bumble fightor— always hitting people and punching people! And knocking ‘people down! How do you think I'd feel knowing my son is beating up people? How da yau think | feel? First girl beats me up. and noi an oid indy beats me ‘up! Fm goin’ to the Gym, Mom—and you can't stop mel Why should | stop you? If Hello, kidl The Tellers in the ncighbacheod give you a going-over? ‘Gus—why are ‘yor letting & id ie that 20 up against the Bruiser? Because itll give me a chance to deliver all tham zliehés about thoDown!? You crazy kics |) | Look at these No, please! fJ Deyou know wnatit | | mands! these [those took to go up against aranrt tha | aren hands ofa | my hands! ‘Those are }] Bruiser’ Cowalsky? ik ksutstGutsand |) | ‘fighter! STUPIDITY! Tmey'te salt | my glovest =! | these are my hands! : Hi cauid anty| seers Tak | REM. you wouldn't] No, sil The Buple is ‘You probably think EME.» | a newspaper! ima cub | '2nge— | ys svango that a || P8.doing all the rier=and when fm EXTEN git woutd come to |__€00d Hines! | ‘at writing about baby "a Training Gym! bears, | comenere. . \ Le ‘You're probably wonder why my father did't quitge See But row — Get out ofthe Fight Don’t let the fight | It's rouse, favs talk | t's | Game—before it's | gut rye ealy Vm going through about yau! | about | too late, Frankie! | been in itor. i vite a ‘timed : twenty minutes! if Caretul, Frankie! That's Blackie Fingter—head of the Underwarld Prize Fight Syndicate .- wanna buy piece of youtEXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT FT! FRANKIE “THE KID™ FLATTENS ROCKY MOZZARELLA IN THE FIRST ROUND! GREEN HORNET STILLMe and the Boys have six hundred rand bet of the fight—and it soys ‘you're gonna lose! ‘Could you ever Took at yourself Ina mirror again I couldn't help overhearing the conversation, || “Frankie! | was standing outside with my ear nal it you threw: ‘that fight, Kid? ‘And in this corer , ed the upand-caming contender‘You crossed me, Frankie! Now t'm] Oh, yeah? the middle af his tntreduction! : My oft Ocarinat i ag || Thats music to my || marke. Mat ana the Fight Game ars. son. ond || “wat wondering would have given : speating of musie— - ig I) 4 of hanesIMEI, FAT EK! al daaWE TAKE A STAND ON THE EXTREME RIGHT WITH THIS MAD FOLD-IN Super-Patriotic Groups throughout our land are warning us that America is doomed unless we take drastic measures to preserve our freedom now—before it is too late. IF you fold in the page #8 shown (right), you will discover THE HARVEST WE SHALL REAP FROM THE SUPER-PATRIOTS’ METHODS OF EXPOSING “COMMUNIST PLOTTERS” IN AMERICA A> FOLD THES SECTION OVER LETT gm EB FOLD BACK SO “A” MEETS “B rn at nad a | ’ wh, THE SUPER-PATRIOTS SEE "COMMUNISM" AS AM EVIL DANGEROUS TREND OF LIBERAL THINNERS ANO BLEEDING WEARTS. THE JOWM BIRCH SOCIETY AS WE "2 KROW 1S A GROUP OF “100% AMERICANS". TAYIKG TD DO THEIR BIT! a> +BIf you advertisers have to blow your own horns, why tie your products to unrelated activities? Mainly, what's eating a Breakfast Cereal got to do with playing a musical instrument. RIDICULOUS AD CAMPAIGNS Before Our Minds Go SNAP! CRACKLE & OOM-PAH-POP! Boy...we just can't swallow that! "Nuts to you each morning” resagaply by RVING KRIERY” SCHILD