our PRICE ame 25c¢ CHEAP No. 33 dune'S7 ERNIE KOVACS “Strangely Believe It” HENRY MORGAN “The Truth About Cowboys” THE OLD PHILOSOPHER EDDIE LAWRENCE “The Disc Jockey’s Lament” Hollywood is Ruining MARLIN BRANDOHEY GANG! IT’S HERE! ANODIER INHDIOUS PROFIT-MAKING SCHEME AY OU MONEY-HUNGLY STAFF MAD JEWELRY Featuring MAD's “What...Me Worry?” Kid Really no-kidding-oro goodness jewelry styled exclusively for MAD Magazine by fi in stunning satin silver plate. All prices include Federal Excise Taxes, boxing, shipping and postage prepaid. MAD LAPEL/SCATTER PIN Tb Mad TIE PIN © MAD CUFF LINKS: d MAD KEY CHAIN © MAD CHARM BRACELET yor vard on shot comor ot get ond att Worst” chon Shares cea today... now... while you're still under the spell of this clever ad. 1, Mle MAD LAPEL/SCATTERPL..$2.00 [Bas mao THE Pt SF 0 WD CUFF INS $3.00 FE] le MAD REY CHAIN JEWELRY ©. MAD CHARM BRACELET....$2.00 [] 225 Lafayette Street im New York City 12, N.Y. FNAME. uth me the pieces of MAD Jewelry 1 hove checked... todoy... now....while ADDRESS. you're atl andar’ tho’ xpell ofthe 5 T hare eeclosed : cy —_—— 10NE__sTATE.NUMBER 33 JUNE 1957 PUBLISHER: Williom M. Gaines EDITOR: Albert 8. Feldstein ‘ARF BIMECTOR: Jahn Putsam CONTINUITY! Jenry Ds Futclo IDEAS: Nick Magloale CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS: Wolloxe Word Noman Mings Beb Clarke Gan Monin Jee Orlando Gnome Woodbricge fort Drucker CONTHINUTING WaITIRS: Ernie Ravaes Henry Margon Eddie Lowrance Freak Jocabs Allred E. Neuman Poul Lala ADVERTISING: Pator Bovis, Dave Cells SUBSCRIPTIONS: Glass Orlands LAW EUETH Morin Schrimon, Erg, TRANQUILIZERS thindell Cheri ne tc te ne tat tl $ DEPARTMENTS ¢ EDDIE LAWRENCE DEPARTMENT ‘The Dee Jay's Old Philosopher. .eononnnnnnnn {ERNIE KOVACS DEPARTMENT ‘Sieancily Balieve I. 4} HAVING A BALL DEFARTMENT High School Danes } HENRY MORGAN DEPARTMENT The Truth About Cowboys oeccronen nnn BB } HOLLYWOOD DEPARTMENT More "Scenes We'd Uke To: See nnn = LETTERS DEPARTMENT Randem Somplings of Reader Mail $ Movies DEPARTMENT Tiles Don’t Match Action in “Foreign Movies" sooner & + OUT-OF-ORDER DEPARTMENT Fulure Vending Machines... $ PEOPLE DEPARTMENT Hollywood is Ruining Marlin Brondo.... # scence DEPARTMENT + The Palrrebie System of Weights and Meas¥res ern 38 SECTION 8 DEPARTMENT 4 Why | Left the Army ond Become a Civilian... SHOPPING DEPARTMENT + Tasty Tidbits Available ot your AEP Sto SHOW-OFF DEPARTMENT t Mad Ticket cu : SIGNED, SEALED, AND UNDELIVERED DEPARTMENT Dead tetters x * sorr-seu ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT. + ‘Another "Future TY. Ad SPOIL-SPORTS DEPARTMENT t Bosebell’s "Hell of Shame TRAVELER'S AID DEPARTMENT : The CLB5.G, Railroad Timetable. WE'D LIKE TO BE DEPARTMENT t Jobs We'd Like fo Have si snnnnnnenne WILD UFE DEPARTMENT : Feeding Pigeons Homemade Popcorn. 20 t * "Various Obscure Places Around The Magazine % Pe a iti lcm lew oe al VITAL FEATURES HALL OF SHAME. 0202.20 2 You've seen them plaques in Cooperstown, honoring Bareball': Heroes? Here fore some plaques in Ma honoring Borebell’s Bums, FOREIGN MOVIES ...... 8 An article which says you mist plenty reading the English filler to foreign movies, 10 wise up ond leer ‘them lenguoses! STRANGELY BELIEVE IT, .......14, 42 ABH Erie Kovacs offers wan his femovs collection of ‘ s. cbsurdities, ond adds one more to the pile os we foolishly buy these, FUTURE VENDING MACHINES. ... .23 We're all fai today wencling machines. Here, now, is @ [ook at tomorrow's vending max chines, Deposit 10g plecset © vith THE TRUTH ABOUT COWBOYS... .26 This is the ficst time Henry Morgan has oppeared id the page: of MAD, show- ing thet even the best of them can make @ mistake. THE D.J.'$ OLD PHILOSOPHER... ..34 fa MARLIN BRANDO .......... Disc Jockeys will i up theie heeds after they've read this article by Ed- die Lawrence. The rest of you will xeratch yeurs. 238 Hollywood is ruining this lalenied actor by chang: ing him from a clad to. genileman, and 20, we clods here at map protest! HIGH SCHOOL DANCE,......06..44 I your own HS. dance Ie not like MAD's version, we'll bel you're sor He it ia, we'll bet the olf School Beard's sorry!SPOIL-SPORTS DEPT. Recently, we took a train to Cooperstown, N. ¥., to inspect Baseball's Hall of Fame. ‘Actually, that’s where we ended up the day we were run out of town on a rail. Some- how we stumbled into the wrong building there, found ourselves looking up at the strange placques reprinted below, and suddenly realized that we'd discovered, .. CS QUENTIN SCURVY Gera umes tse ul ine) 192721998 ha cat ena ea a bade este ag asec EDGAR (MONK), SIMIAN Ps itertiecier (ened hey ie EES CE) ‘ Erie oekeete es oatauan ccs BU eB el be we meh hapa kitten | sa inertia cee aes “Heiiigeni came ef ard ei VFASTBALL PITCHES, ONLY MAJOR LEAGUE cies ean bah ie eee Higa pienso h elma nai CL ia ay eae caren hier raaenies tain ance) ages le mee ae Ce ara Ciel ie igh ralentena until ea Bitar etincha te co BORIS DUCKBILL Cites BES KY CHESTER. RIFP. Poet eet nae 1928-1938 Pe yeerec eee aencg be cic so ea eid ices etal Wir d lore eke pen Geena inh seth ana wtsT Mire racbae aaa. rah aie research he Ce) Beetircteres ari}BALL’S HALL or SHAME Colwtt Monte: balay cenatistzs Bereich rtiierion he pe IEEE YY Claman asm o nn eae) Ecantmeles zou aeaee sr ele Shite Wud omisg ues td vetantd pees eel ile ie a eee et Wiese oe pres ihe saie ieee SOAMES GRULNIK Perea ening tater pUL Steg PMc nese tore ani tetaes > ESS a terete ier ; ee ernest patie bap eee) roi esta phe nic) Cesc eeame mame Pert iawero gc. s pth scd tna) JEROME (FILTHY) McNASTY, _ Gierr tries tee be : 1906-1816: Pomel uA ree ace rele Get ag as ten del 1 Melb astore Pty esa Ngai bng ave Peseta cea teuree ina tates Cer eediae) | Rhein Me bio a carca o Gitano ath tok reso bere ein retata paar Phy tase eho ALE ba Duke ret et Teac C) Cisne meek amie acd Steam Car ee nC Ene une esters a ay AND Hit INTO TRIFLE PLAY, GOT LOBT FN Pieces tage te Fosse Speed eee ti.) PCa iro. gle cocaPRC Pe er een ee LO MGr ee enna reer ares concentrated humor can burn Priori re MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS 225 Lafayetie Street New Yerk 12, N.Y. | get wamoch acid. ale in the bead. Se here's $2000 for the next 9 haves af MAD STEVE ALLAN Seems that Fj Savillan got Elvis’ appearances on TV. Ol sgot his gUicar sezings wh ‘on Steve Allan's show. ‘Ne Guitar Stings! ‘Tc sat grea Hi, ho, Steven! 100 Steve Allan, T have just fi your amide 09 Seeve Allan, and disliked it thoroughly. E think Steverine i the greatest, aad bis talents shouldiet be laughed about. As for imc, fll always be a Steve Allan Fa Jane Meadows New York Cy EUCALYPTUS TREE ‘ae MAD solled 5 ‘makes a wotwdelful opie for ‘he bath Soper Dallas, Texas Wenderful Bathiub Stepper Followed your instructions for making a paper Eusalypeus tee, Tried it a few tienes and finally gat so disgustel I rolled Up the magazine and toce it wo shreds It Jobn Jarvis Birmiogham, Ala CREEPING MEATBALLISM e with Mr. Shep: years from I thoroughly ag herd. Lord help our kid ow if this Keeps up. Roy Kuedla Parma, Ohie ‘boing out and saw Jim Sollivan Na Addeess Given As television gets sillier, movies. get Jonger, and fing ‘pet higher, thetelt be ny end over on Henry L. Ki Broken Aso), Okla ‘More Campany for Jeon! Thank Heavens for Jean Shepherd ‘up hope. | 14 years in id: Vi out here im io, and jnutraticn thrived on ceping isan” and contormiey ‘Tego bad this article wasn’t published in Life, Time, ee James Hu Garrenville, Chie Your anicle “The Night People vs. (Cecepiag Meatballisin' is typical of your general theme; undermining the Ameri ‘can way of lie, However, there is onc cunsolation: Since your publication ap pals co citizens af infecioe mentality, its Powible thie iss the point ‘ODannell NX. WHAT WORRY allele, subal telerad soll Opa” ote Ri y tor Dap “Wha Wn. 704,245 LalayereSPORTS MAGAZINES ‘Whats up? We shotlda’t be withhot ing information, now, should we? You have Duke Sayder batting right-handed. ‘Apparent, gales hi, sw nt office sould have been in Walt Alston Brooklyn, ALY. Fools! Ne wonder the Dulke got hit in the staraach wih a bascball. He bats left handed, nat rigtt- handed, ‘Mike Moorman Flaoudeeau, S. Dak DATING TECHNIQUE ‘Your MADype stan is the suavest “coolant and est succes oi ape os eechique for emp very ow Pordrio Rubirees Havana, Cuba Successful Love Everything weat fing until 1 erjed 10 Impress her fnancially. Nos only did hey catch me swiping the up, but they dis Covered it was from anealce table. Seunley Giarken Bariea, Conn ‘Who pars he bil forehead ea? Dayson, Ohio Please, Laced your help, Challenged by fumher to Indian wreete, { didn't smother, She dew me! [im geaing mar ted next week. What should I do? ‘jan P. Eston, Munich, Germany She's sbvésuly bigger thon a THE wit WEST 1 was delighted to see the amie on ‘Tom Lehrer. fave Seen an ardent fan of Bis for many YEA. jay Zilher Silver Spring, Mu. ‘The avant-garde, dying race is forever ndebeed to you. Our herw and idol, Tom Lehrer, has rcceived public recognition at last lle Kaplan New York City I kought MAD because on the caver ic said, “Tom Lchees sings about the Wild West" Hat when I goe se hameand Jooked through iT dida’t hear anyene singing: Mareen Pekar Brooklyn, N-Y. MAD RECORD LABELS Like the idea of printing Labels an feaff cur aut on your buck «oxen. It ees mea chance ta peta pair oF seiisars and slush your crummy magszine into Tom Essig Prosborgh, Pa. cHnoHoOD CHUMS “Anyone who can graduate from Junior High four days after graduation ftom Ele zanntary Schl sbould be thle &0 con hut fray out ea mere Federal Prion fn 00 Time. W/bo's covering up Steve Kirsehndt New Yark Chy 1 he yas smart enouah «0 go through Junior High fa four days, how come be ended vp in prison? Somishosy’s gat to Joka Lewis Seymour, Tod. Ic takes more people three pears to ace complisa what he did in only 96 hous Was his dad Superintentant of Schools? David Anastreich New York Cry Graductes in 96 Alfeed E, Neuman Chilghaod Chum, johnathon Gordoo, must have been some ain. le only cook him faur days afeer ppreduating fram P'S. 49 co graduate from Potrrebie Jusiae High, Whe goofed? Sheldon Welnan Clevelaod, Ohio ven? ‘We gooled, Bote for PS. 49-album pone should have raed 6/12/42.—E3, LETTERS DEPT. THE BAD SEAT at Melvin Comanoisky, who father ia "The Bad Sat’ ing rexcmblance 19 Day Warbucks, Ne wonder he left that mean, stuck-upbeit, Orphan Annie, and tied up ‘with suet, aflectianate Rogers! ‘Mike Freese Dayton, Ohio ‘After reading the article, we all agzeed that Rhodeat was aa adorable child aad we woul follow he enasp. $0900 Us how we ge aur of jal Pred Jackson ‘Memphis, Team, I signed the perivion, and so did a few of my trends, Thea, following your al- vice, we handed st in at the next P.TaA. esting We wereall kicke! our of chook Thanks, Dovid Somall Detroit, Mich, T thawghe your arte om “The Bad Scat” was excellent. F agree with every: thing you said, Keep up the good work, ard. add my name te the petition, ‘Adolph Hitler No Addeas Given MAD PREDICTIONS Your predictions for Seienve are ti dieubas machine not betaine! fet ar a peychintrae Because oy” shoe itor that in the matheraatical frre lig of quastom. mechunics which com tains tne lessen! sed pegs theorer ining css, the kineroatical acl fuamatical varies are replaced by 19 tlie operators subject to oe-commau ane ‘algerie involving Planck's Willis Buell Vermillion, 8. D. ‘Whea i's rody. can we moke on op ointment for you? WOMEN-MAGAZINES The picure showing the “Real Wo- man” who reads the Satieday Feesing Pot sealiy hits Bomoe. In fact, 'm 2 cross her and the womad) who reads ona real busy peching Mrs. Jay Miuie Port Huron, Mich. Pe MAB, Room 703, Daat. 43, 225 Lotayene Stret, Naw York 22, BLY. ildeon ll earrespeodence te "Wed Uke fo be Conic ia Baer 1 a New Fare Ta 3MOVIES DEPT. he other day, we stopped ia at oue local “ae theater 10 see a double bill of forciga films ... you know, those imports that are supposed vo be free of censorship . and we made a startling discovery. Theyiee a fraud? The frse piccare was in sod since we hadn't paid much ar tention back in. High School when we were supposed 1 be learning the language, we were forced 0 read the English Sitles tha fashed on’rhe screen. We were following the goings-on pretry well this way, when we happened ¢o-notice thac the guy with the beree and the pencilsteiped moustache on our Fi laughing uproariously at parts we didn't think we larly funy, aod snickering knowingly at pares we jak were particulasly sexy. Aad the same thing happened o she goy wich che handle bar moustache cating the hero sandwich on our left when she Kealian pic: ture came on. So ie suddenly oceurred to us chat them English ticles don't quite ell ail har's poi, e way we figure is SOMEBODY'S COVERING UP! Smdy the following typical scenes we noeed, and see if you don’e agree char THE RESTAURANT SCENE . hee] ae ed eee ed ote tee oy Cod Se at eee aad ee oe 4 Pee THE G. 1. IN ROME SCENE = Se aS me seal * om aay 7 PD ge ee Se Cree et eee Renee EL reThe English titles don’t quite match the action in FOREIGN MOVIES Ace woos, 5 ws Pa eee os " ei ee ee tee ae) 1s) utcBese noc cemane cesT pe eet Cee eer) Saat Cece) SONUINUEE SHER PACTpendix ski, oor Mosc ponde! could be a k The Russ don’t quite match the action in A Mt 2 RIG A Nf 7] MARTSKIShopping Dept. ' SUPER-DUPER MARKETS FORCE-OUT-THE-SMALL-RETAIL-GROCER 7 GALA SALE SHE ON MEAT AND MILK FANCY TUNA gs NOT-SO-FANCY TUNA <=" 33c SLOPPY TUNA con O3c LIVE COWS _... $1.98 HORSEMEAT BIRDBATH WATER 2-*"© 18¢ THOROUGHBRED HARNESS LOSERS WR WINNERS te. Bde .69¢ &.02¢ sa a wow FROZEN BRILLO —20p22:t0r 39% OARS ee am Pani OCTOPUS perteriece 25¢|| ¥% lb. Linotype Butter AEADY-TO-LAT SMOKED FILIETS OF % lb. Offset Butter ARMADILLO pertitet 85¢ LEG OF LAMB 94 | | INSTANT WATER “et, 85c ARM OF LAMB te. Bde SHOULDER OF LAMB ©.74& EARLY GARDEN PEAS = «= 02 LATE GARDEN PEAS =» 22 REST OF LAMB © Ole 1) LATE, LATE GARDEN PEAS chan.2 LARGE ECONOMY SIZE JAR OF econome ins New Green Cabbage head OFe 280 Ib. bag of Chicken Flickings 13¢ Old Purple Cabbage head Te PIG'S KNUCKLES of 24¢] BELLY-BUTTON LINT = 68 PIG’S BRASS KNUCKLES %: 98c| an BUM STEERS w. s7e|| STEWED PRUNES = 69 DOUBLE CROSSERS eonz|| fester "]| SOBER PRUNES >= 09¢ VIRGINIA HAM w. Bde isan, RACY CORN ON THE COB eo. 22¢ CYNTHIA HAM § QU-2-9970|COB WITHOUT THE CORN 72 (Prices subject to change if you don't watch our clerks carefully) nSOFT-SELL ADVERTISING | =)2 05 ee ricstar the commercial again! So iim an herewegowithanotherex- f TEs rat ample of that frightening f trend toward clever, mod- KZ ern, humorous, soft-sell ad- vertising. Here's this issue's FUTURE 1 Ran sole in Hare, Possnyvenis, ‘mylunge are ail congesied strong soap powdors! And,Whadaye think mathers ore a Nol just Yong” knife, Covel This is Remember, Folks! Anything that slices will ~Perfecui" All-Purpose Kitchen Knife ice bes! with o "Perfecut” Kitchen Knifel byAas rams tiora es QUEEN of tho BERBER tribe Nia a barem of FOUR HUNDRED HUSBANDS, THREE Abnorep Dane NINETY © Four TN, of them called fo tell er they Sud hays to work late at the officer fone T RAYNOR 4 ABOLTENET a cea ' ee S HaMMoce! | aa while i SUMPERS pu He was shot t ce ni WAS? |ERNIE KOVACS DEPT. You cAN BOIL AN EGG in the WATERS of LAKE SCARLATTI, on the pase 1 OF COURSE You Heat THE WATER, FIRST: The Tower sTRNGHT GOTTFRIED GUNTHER, TWO! AUNDRED = WEE iniamees Ae ‘The MUSICAL SOUND which the CANARY ‘fe DOES MAKE is just ¢ form of ACCOMPANIMENT 7 for the canary we REAL SPECIALTY. DANCING!TRAVELERS AID DEPT. The Railroad Timetable At first glance a railroad timetable appears to be cluttered, unreadable and senseless. Actually, it is! Study this timetable of one of America’s least-traveled lines, the Chicago, Lasagna & South Gasp Railroad. After you've finished, we here at MAD are certain you'll conclude the only way to travel is by car... CHICAGO, LASAGNA & SOUTH GASP RAILROAD ALL CATTLE CARS ARE AIR-CONDITIONED \WESTROUND (Bea carerHlee ea?) sre | as [sthiy| Hants ra | au | sm ea | 0 2 | Hhogpetnane ME | in| Eee ng | Where e-tcnlae 4s | nue Phong 1 he 9 Dost not stop on odd-numbered Thurdays, ak Adjut oxyeen mann . Train whistle ior periet high “O" at eis poi. thors te et of raving pemeterr | Siope ta thea off con-paying paengers, Rarely om sine You have supply of Beatbonate of Pod Eo eed ig tr Mace ed ba its te Lan wet * Ri Pathinmuaroceane = te eon a a 7.09 Me te ppv nt wry, bat 7 hen dics ee ty peice rete © Nie hking be cont oe epee 16WHY I LEFT THE ARMY AND BECAME A CIVILIANAS & CIVILIAN friendly drugstore near my whalaver | feel lke eating. IN THE ARMY ce bad to 148 elbows breakiast, and had to ect whet ‘CIVILIAN the affice when I hacksan me. IN THE AD AGENCY ine. The client le requests. ERLY ROOM k the Colonel's-. Lalwoys bad the ware trying te beet IN THE AD AGENCY er get my pay enveley ni lence, knewing thot all is well ARMY LIFE DROVEWILD LIFE PT. ‘This next article by sap’s maddest artist, Don Martin, was drawn to il lustrate a problem he’s been having lately...a problem which he calls... THE UNFORTUNATE PART OF FEEDING PIGEONS HOMEMADE POPCORNOUT OF ORDER DEPT. During 2 lengehy survey taken ovee a cup of coffee the you unemployed people owe vending machines plenry! shee moming, wwe came 10 the coaclusion that you people Telay, there scems to be a vending machine far almost ‘owe a lor ro vending machines, Just sop and think for a cvery product: cigareces, beverages, candy bars, axolols tinue, all you people, of the functions these clevee con- and halvah, ro name just a few. But these are only the be- teaptions perform, They save steps. They give quicker ser- ginning. American ingenuity hasn't finished with them yet ‘vice. They afford added convenience. And mainly, they throw —...noc by a long shor, Bigger and bester vending machines ‘countless people out of work. Yessivec, by George...all are on the way. So here, then, is MAD's forecast of . VENDING MACHINES of the FUTURE PICTURES BY com CLARKE Today's vending machines, os the pictures below clearly show, are handy, convenient and efficent, But wait, brother, you ain't seen nuthin’ yet! Just turn the page . .. and you'll really see nuthin’... } z i a 3 2 a i TY ya PaTHE VEND-A-BEAST THE HAIR-O-MAT ‘boon fo miles af bolt-Neaded Farmers wl Be abit to purhcte lv res willbe the fwtoe vending stack fos this vending machine of the smachioe which @spense foupes. futur. Fellawing is Moge sects will ‘Tse will oppear right aftr cat~ ati vending rochine frm which ot Yul Byrne: fo hos dled out sick wal be able fo purchase Famers THE AUTO-VEND A welcome future vending machine wil be Ya ont tara which reatritsmill be ble fo peso sew Cots, Woon them vending ruchines aeween et, ry be daislied os used vending machines ond limita vs dizer wed (0 Depasit 10,000 Half Dallars 1. loser Caine 2 ewe Batons Lkiteut Ge . COLOR move. Directions: Brtbarierse — @ Sedan Deposit 76 Quarters, Dimas, 1 Nickel nies, Goins ees Button fain Red (Ts Doors Four doors B Wo Doors Diagnasis _ sit 2,000 Pannies Removal of Appendix. posit 1,000 Dimes 30 Minute Psychoanalysis. Deposit 100 Quarters Marital Aven... Free ff female} DIRECTIONS 1 eer is 4 Press Carlin Baton 2 ole of Cates ‘Read ee SH the Real oe REMEDY ess ne mare thea twe (ne may light up Je sopenscitin EL Tote it out Laem © tem St sem OD setter 1 ati ED oot tat ED Find Now Friends Broken Leg OSI Use ether leg ED Breck otter kez @ Frarwitin Goat Ten! ED yt tie i fly mogazin : [HI Toupee Maine over these"asc Hes 2440p yan AB AH 4 OL LPI THE WIFE-O-MAT ost pops of th naw vending ochines wll Be one fram wich © Bchelar ean sale i IH she don come out peste, be can fun bet in and get his money back, PERFECT MATE J r ay reRY | M | SLOT | Hy cane ncamct ae FACTORY FRESH CADILLACS AGE SIZE DISPOSITION INTELLIGENCE Press One Press One Press One H you want any Deposit 20 Halt Dollars §@iezi — @ sien @ smoot @ Gonius © 2281 Peasingly Pump @ Moody @ 3140 @ Tapesed lent Joteecrions Obresious ® Lasthazame B iaiee THE VEND-O-VEND Utimate in fetue vending machines wll by ont which depenses o vendiog dispense a vendiog med 0. Fined vending machine will dagense This in ura will dipanst @ vending machine, which wil in ten dime tbe Inared ia int vending modine and whele mess starts opainHENRY MORGAN DEPT. This isc spotial e¥ucctional fearute for people who watch cowboy movies on T.¥. The remocks hota ore-mede inthe belief thar ne real cowboy reads MAD. If eny cowboy should reod thi stuff, | plead with him fo remember tha he ond [are Americans and must stond together against a hostile world, Besides, onybady will tell you what a grect kidder | ame, Here, then, is. .- THE TRUTH ABOUT tuys remember whac he was in che old days conisied of about 95 words, of which 32 were Spanish in real life, The average cowboy was an illiterate aaf. He His job was to sit on a horse all day, and stare at cows. PIETURES BY WALLACE wooo rage cowboy ate three meals a day. Breakfast was Whea a horses soene enud boiled in a rusty tomnato can ovee a brush ire. 1 oat in the boiling mud, the mess was eben called and ehe combo wauldcoffee and some hard, ugly fistle biscuiss made Dinner was coffee... and a dead rabbi, gh. It was called sourdough because it was sour borse Banker. It was called a horse blanket because too... and as a result, smelled Like both of them. Tt was a known fact that cowbays didn't like discouraging, routs, the place was ‘words, They had a song about how much they loxed the range, fon, bur a terrible place to d#e on. So if all, it was splicOut on the praiie, so the eatee ad eo be mathed. But Once a year was round-up time. The cow: ached, so they'd make up achiklish boy's job was ro here the cattle sogether device was called a brandin’ wr'm. and get them all moving in one disestion. ope fhe cowboy, it should be noxed chat no “Tos do the same thing with sheep, dogs are used because tney In che defers er been known ta play the guitar and yodel are so much smarter, and four times faster than cowboys. sheep dog has just up to their calves, The be to lazy te get off the borse. When the Horse swam, the ‘come so a stream and he'd —cowboy'd get his ankles wer. This was considered plenty a‘You know from the movies, of course, chat combays are Ac wot §20/2 month. Qn paps always seen weiting black hats and black shires and Black hig money 0 the mearest saloon, and prom neckerchiefs. Well, sec, hese were all originally white, down deunk, His horse never tad any real fun like that .. 10 fucure, except co become the aldese Afcer he'd saved up a little money from these iadividuat casionally hed get real ambi from his boss Sokids,from now on-when you watch those westerns on TV, remember cha che hero of the story is based on that great all-imeSIGNED, SEALED, AND UNDELIVERED DEPT. This past Christmas season, since we don’t make enough writing this trash to live on, we took a night job spinning cobwebs in the “Dead Letter” sec- tion of New York's Main Post Office. Seeing all those undelivered letters caused us to speculate... might not the world be a lot different today if they had reached the people for whom they were intended? So we opened a few at random to prove our point. They're reprinted below. Another point is...you can get arrested for jimmying open U.S. Mail. Even... fg of the Field Socrelery BE ‘SALVATION ARMY THE, cciiywoed. Calilomie gept. 24, 2948 208 swarylin Monroe | rwabs DTUs Sto™ ey Cestington DE be,susan Juang sj seven anci DEAD George T. Feglesteny LIFE Magazine» 6 Bast LETTERS TIME THE WEEKLY NEWSMAGAZINE october 2, 1936 aster america’ Humor ljand Streot weekly How York, "ew York near George: ena contracts on me inmediately changed Wy Rivantageous 1 HE CONSOLIDATED EDISON ¢ ON CO. 4 loving Pace ew York ——_ _< IS Case No, 1894935 Date of Acsident: S°PE Sy 1s Date of Claim: 780 4, lose Dateot Revie: MOr- 16, 1640 oe nocks thon my rewyor gore there wth ene! 0 ven my Teron Gag, place nave, him cal omtaSt get in touch with him fate Hour on Fridays T neve eve that would be consideration, {de not now Pe failing magezine venture. acter careful 7 7 opinion. 0 of your busine: the deal ta offs Yorg/erely yours» pureh In other worday fienry Ry iuee t Street mis caidas ae0ident you of, ion on sept. 5. ously contiided tary dtm Flows report ¢ # contonianes: t ta ort egrentble egees, toa uty, ante? PO Resotiete CetDEAD LETTERS connseo Chrtl General de BEAL ARsEiat Gog S8Pttn Cha ries WSs, tetoanis Neral “sea tige Koy Wests ‘auDie Ploriaa, u.3.4, 11 Sree eurnots paper toy in mou le Maing "avn Tanwiry 20, lese De Steaboa, 1 US, Conmnd ing Pi O By Trae er You ananeSHOW-OFF DEPT. IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS! FLASH THE STUBS TO THESE... MAD TICKETS 5 2 8 | THE A NEW REVUE Boom off eee. WHEN IN ROME Sage NERO WITH GLADIATORS 8 46 B24 CHRISTIANS, LIONS & TIGERS ¢ 2a Qe AVGVST IV, LXI AD. 2 8 PRESENTS ADMISSION: XXV SESTERCES S SS bE ASME Oa 4 =. | Gessler the Tprant vresens = Che Famous Arebery Team William Tell & Son Aipine Theatee, Switzerland Htovember 18, 1307 Anno Domini Matinee at Bleachers Box 45 Admit ne Mader bt we The irompne MARIE ANTOINE Ip Hy Foes Perforce Bastille Courtyard PARIS October 16, 1793 Gillin te 2pm SHARP “Sy'Fre, Admission: Fruct The Duke of Wellington Preremix che firtiftant ‘4 NAPOLEON BONAPARTE é THE WATERLOO | FOLLIES Soldiers Field, Watertoo, Belgium [sits 303 oe etletmel One + CUSTER'S LAST STAND + o ve BUSTER -—= f bok ands Cast of Thousands we o LITELE BIO HORN U3 Sane 254 VuLsaHo¥o solTHE OLD sebs “The Disc Hiya, fellers... ‘You say your librarian ¢loped with an obscure song-pluggger -.- And you've been pulling all your own records? Y'say heveit isthe middle of March... old payola ain't eome through vet ? And the engincer was trying to rall up his sleeves. ‘And he put his fist through the control reom window And your wife caught you with the receptionist ... And brokeall your Erunswicks? And a gang of rock-and-rellers are waitin’ for you in thealley... ‘Cause you said Elvis Presley needs a haireut? Fa that what's troublin’ you, feller? Hey, there, cousin... ‘You say five sponsors dropped out when they discavered you tried to squeeze in a record Monday morning? And your wife wants you to take her mather to the Dise Jockey Convention in Las Vewas? And your mierophone’s all rusty? ‘And your-45 commercials are spinnin’ at 78? And the engineer just put on a big symphony ‘And he won't turn it off because he sayshe likes goed music? lady'singn ‘And She said a words over the air waves... ‘And the mayor is trying to contact you? Is that what's botherin' you, cousin? Say, there, Bunkey You say you're spinnin’ the “Hits of the Week”. And the owner of the station calls up and wants to hear “Liebe tran"?EDDIE LAWRENCE DEPT. PHILOSOPHER’ Jockey’s Lament” And you just discovered you've been givin’ the wrong times all morning.-- And all your listeners are late for work... Anda lotof them got fired ... And theyre suing you? And someone brought up a container of coffee... With a live turtle init... And it spilled all over your brand new copy? And the turntables got stuck... And it's Sunday... And you've got te keep ad Hibbing... ‘Till the man comes back from the beach to fix them? And your pants areall soaked from that caffee? And someone sticks last year’s headlines under your nose... ‘And you're reading them ? And the head of your fan elub... ‘A big heavy-set gic]... ‘Was just arrested for attacking an old man in.a hotel lobby? Is that what’son your mind, Bundy? WELL, LIFT YOUR HEAD UP HIGH AND TAKE A WALK IN THE SUN WITH THAT MAGNITUDE... AND FORTITUDE... AND YOU'LL SHOW THE WoRLDI YOU'LL SHOW “EM WHERE TO GET OFFE YOU'LL NEVER GIVE UP... NEVER GIVE NEVER GIVE UF THAT SHIFT ‘This is the Dee Jay's Old Philosopher sayin’ MAN THE LIFEBOATS! WOMEN AND SONG-PLUGGERS FIRST!SCIENCE DEPT. we'd se be the Codi ates preventive nthe Ford pl “When Milwaukee's Donald Knuth frst preseaed his revolu- lucionary system of weights and measures ro the members of the Wircomsim Academy of Science, dts, and Letters, they were astounded... mainly because Donald also has (0 heads All kidding aside, Donald's system won first prize a5 the ‘most original presentation”, So fas, the system has beea sdopéed in Tierra del Fuego, Afghanistaa, ated Southern Rhodesio. ‘The UN. is considezing it for world adaption. THe PUTALEDNE STS TEM OF WEIGHTS AND MEASURES ‘THE POTRZEBIE SYSTEM ‘This new system of mecturing, which is destined to become the measuring system of the future, hax de- cided improvements aver the alher systems nos in use. Ibis ered upon measurements taken 6-9-1201 the Physics Leb. of Milwaukee itheren High School, Jn Milwaukes, Wit, when the thickness of MAD Magazine 326 was determined to be 2.26334851~ 7438173216473 mm. This length is the boris for the entite system, and is colled one potrrabie of length. The Potrzebie hos alto been standordized of 3515. 31502 wave lengthe of the red line in the specirum of cadmium, A partial tabie of the Poirsebie System, the measuring system of the future, is given below . LENGTH 1 potrzeble = thickness of MAD 226 1000 fp — 1 millipatrzebie (mp) 10 mp — 1 centipotreabie (ep) 10 ep = 1 decipetrzebie (deh CAG ARAMA have VERY in V PASO P BY CHESS ¢ Bor Played SIMULTANEOUSLY 1" BLINDFOLDED KENTUCKY BIUE 6 (3 WoT eine! T ow Looks Bue! it isn't evenHAVING A BALL DEPT. Seuraviiie High School : The Editers of MAD Invitation to Spring Dance being invited to your First Annual Spring Danca. PLACE TO HOLD AFFAIR IS FINALLY SELEGTED after weeks of weangling among Seudent Secial Committee, by school prin- cipal, who, pulls rank, Strangely, his choise is same as irs been for past 19 years... smelly old school gym! DATE 15 SET, TICKETS ARE PRINTED, and problem of sell: foacball team, ad assowed "con-men”, Each group uses owa ing them is’ caken on by school “Hooscers”, members of successful ancthod of “Friendly Persuasion” t0 da the job. BRAIN BROAD BRAWN he schacl ““Con-Men") {The school “Boosters) (The schoo! Football Team! BUY A TICKETTHREE FACULTY MEMBERS ARE CAREFULLY CHOSEN TO KEEP THINGS RUNNING RIGHT a) MISS AIDA SOTO VOt is given job of selecting music co be has experience with the baser elements is given assignment played at dance ... chooses 13 waltaes, at school, is given job of seeing: that by judicious use of m A tminuecs, 2 givortes and a Charleston. punch bowl éontains only grape hice. raetful diplomacy, an mainly muscles. GYM DECOR IS SUPPLIED BY he “a “Decnrations Camm anisically endow Join the school band, much to the selief of che Music Di. dents. Unforcunarely, ever ong Greless. efforts at rector, Their title well describes the rhythms hey play... camouflage... it stil looks like senelly old Schoo! gym! FINALLY, THE BIG: NIGHT ARRIVES, The crowd is jammed rhe walls the basketball court is “ao-man’s land”. othe walls. Well, actually, the crowd is jammed agsinue eau" men haven't the aerve to cross i i up 95 nN PFsNATURALLY, NOONE DANCES WITH THE PARTNER theyd harassing “John loves Mary” rumors, So everyone winds up 5 feully like to dance with, for fear of saring those em- more or less mismatched, and thove rumors start anyway ..« 2 DANCE BEGINS TO LIVEN UP AS STUDENTS START hohasbeen MUSIC TEACMER SOTO VOCE, leveloped a sudden ‘on fails ws oddly.See Me FUN BEGINS WHEN CHEM TEACHER, standing ar punch= bowl all even ally collapses from drinking ic all FUN GOES ON AS MUSIC TEACHER dances with star foot- ball player co prove cht she is one of the gang. Repura rion vanishes following day whea she flunks the poor lod. ey UES AE GYM. TEACHER spurs. the iV i7 the water cooler and attempts to slide down rope. FUN REACHES PINNACLE WHEN GWENDOLYN FURD, sclf> appointed entetainer, garaies before singing ma Lyries 0 “Because” strangely resernble shady sailor song perhaps ve were 4 bit too hasty in turning. ‘the "clean-up oquad". After ali, there aay be sexe water left im that cooler. Hey, where do wa catch tho bus to thet smelly old gyn? Tho _Editers of MADHOLLYWOOD DEPT. SCENES WE'D LIKE TO SEE Wa ie 1 be dante lan’ bedygvard,EVERYTHING MUST GO! INCLUDING YOUR SANITY NOW READY Yo finish the job! THE LATEST IN THE SERIES OF POCKET-SIZE BOOKS CLEVERLY CALCULATED TO NUDGE YOUR LAZY LIVER, STRENGTHEN YOUR TIRED BLOOD, AND MAINLY DESTROY YOUR MIND. This fourth edition contains a col- lection of the best from MAD (The worst of mags!) not previously re- printed in any of the other 3 edi- tions. The truth of the matter is... up to now we didn't have the nerve! NOW ON SALE! Under newsstand counters everywhere! BUY IT! BUY IT! BUY IT! STEAL IT, EVEN! However, if your newsy is © Inw-abiding citizen ‘and refuses to handle this fourth mind-roting book, you con send in for it. In fect, if you hoveett yat purchosed any or all of the other ‘three, you con sond infor the whole series ond sfort frem sero, So — dig up thet scratch] 40¢ for one, 75¢ for two, $1.00 for three, $1.25 for four. I out the coupon belo MAD EDITORS, POCKET DEPARTMENT, (D404 forone ....---O ILI 780 fer two + oq 225 Lotayerte Street Ne. 2 MAD STRIKES BACK |.) $1.00 for three. --.-] New York City 12, N.Y. No. 1THE MAD READER ....[) $1.25 far four......C] Please send me the book(s! I hove NAME, checked, I have anclosed the cor ADDRESS. rect amount of scratch Ul think) * or duplicate ©!’ TONE STATE.ader's Disgust ARTICLES LACKING IN INTEREST seh Yat Somebody Out ‘There Liker Me 1 Made Kilfons to Graft, 2 Seven Keys | 26 ing Norte Elvis Presley 50 i Ring Magazine 62 ctting Honey irom Hoes . Scientific Alghan 64 = Joe Louis 69 John Gunther 77 + Vogue 81 ‘Legion Democratic Digast 84 Lo. Dr.Scholl 86 * Gheistine Jorgenson 55 Hardware Annual 90 Wall Stewet Journal 92 +. House and Aquarium 99 Modical Eeonamics 173 Malia Weekly 176 ‘Reader's Digest 182 Arthur Godfrey 186 + Joe Di Muggio 190 ‘Aileed E, Neuman 201 Fredrick R. Ewing 42 . Rg