Why these sluggers belt every pitch
with TEA, the “pot” refresher
pence
hi tae
CarisciaySEPTEMBER 1962
Pogple se on vatstion te forget bingy
ant when they oben
sy forget Allred F, Newman
lei bes, they remember what
PUBLISHER: William M. Gaines EDITOR: Albert. Feldstein
ART DIRECTOR: John Putnam PRODUCTION: Leonard Brenner
EDITORIAL ASSOCIATES: Jerry Oe Fuccio, Nick Maglin
LAWSUITS: Martin J. Seheiman PUBLICITY: Lary Gore, Richard Bernstein
‘SUBSCRIPTIONS: Gloria Orlanda, Calla Morelli, Alan Eliat
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS:
The Usual Gang of Ktiats
DEPARTMENTS
DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT
Don Martin Leoke At Doctors
“The Good Dectar In Africa” ....2.....- ee 18)
“Tho House Call” i mi dd)
“in The Laboratory”. .....2c+.eeeseceseeeseeaee 215
“The Veterinarian Sega iberea
“The Anosthotiat™ 2 cased?
GRIMM REALITY DEPARTMENT
‘The MAD Book Of Mader Fairy Tales... 0. 00cceee 18
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT
Spy VS. SPY vesccesesevere A 8
GpY ME SPY VE SPY sc. sscaiesest scons ssssssases 42
KIDDIN' ON THE KEYS DEPARTMENT
Typeuti-TOONG os. escessees Haas Jeeetcauecuen aABe
LETTERS DEPARTMENT
Randam Samplings Of Reader Mail ........2..ccessceeeee 2
LITTLE-READ WRITING HOODS DEPARTMENT
Racketeer Illustrated «<0...
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT
‘Appropriate Birthplaces For Séme Famous Folk ...........
SPEAKING FROM PICTURES DEPARTMENT
‘Who's ln Charge Here? emt ee a
TALK OF THE TOWNS DEPARTMENT
Read Signs That Reflect The Language Of The Region ......10
THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE PREPOSTEROUS DEPARTMENT
Bananaz... ile Cue PEN Sip es ST ee
TOO WEAK WITH PLAY DEPARTMENT
‘The Lighter Side Of Summer Vacation .......-...-0.0.-1+-88
WHAT'S THE USE? DEPARTMENT
I Products Only Worked Under Demonstration Conditions . 92
WHO'S COVERING UP? DEPARTMENT
The Subtle Seience Of Packaging .......2.cceccseseseve AB
"*Various Places Around The Magazine
ve woth Kress Won Fork oh
Seu trees
iatlense
VITAL FEATURES
BANANAZ, 8
The “buneh' on this shaw
tick eo close, they i
pied the tle’ of MAD's
version of this “Tegath
naas Western with A-Peol
REGIONAL ROAD SIGNS ...¢.-00-0-10
To errant drivers, these:
if ‘Road Signs" in the lang-
2 vago of the ragion could
27/e bo the punctuations teat
ame before the sentences.
DON MARTIN LOOKS AT DOCTORS ....13
Doctors have baon looking,
at Den Martin for years
Naw he roversos the prac:
fice, and the practice of
medicine eullars reve
FAIRY TALES. .....,..48
ma madarn
‘hat ars 23
the
Upon a Time” kind
leok real in comparisan,
RACKETEER ILLUSTRATED . om
MAD does a stake-out on
the Underworld's official
magazine, Stink down to a
newsdenler, and get your
copy... Before he opens
IF PRODUCTS ONLY WORKED 2
TSS A look at how if would be
i praducta sly worked
Undar the same. conditions
tu hoe present In Usk
Mk liste WV cermonsteations
SUMMER VACATION «2.20. 000000000 0.38
Ate Everybody is entitled to
£0255 ||\QR summer vacation, except
= U \ guy responsible for
CaS" tee arte. beck the
aS he was on it at the time.
SUBTLE SCIENCE OF PACKAGING .....43
] ae While the Aviation Co's
| aro working to conquer
IM Packing Co's are working
toveon/usa “inner Space.”ISA
TO AMERICA’S
“WAST WASTELANDS”
blaingthraugh the overgrwth af hae T.
‘uoning the hes at Halos wild ie,
vengieg the atracitios ot Mad. kv, scalps,
FORTIFY YOURSELF TODAY!
ON SALE AT ALL NEWSSTANDS — OR YOUES BY MAIL
MAD POCKET DEPARTMENT
880 Third Avenue, New York 22, N.Y.
PLEASE SEND ME: (_) THE MAD FRONTIER
Also please send me: | enclose
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Utterly MAD ($1.40 for 4
The Brothers MAD (81.75 for 5
(The Bedside MAD ($2.10 for 6
(Son Or MaD ($2.45 for 7
(The Organization MAD [| $2.80 for 8
(Like MAD (183.15 for 9
[Tho Ides Of MAD ($3.50 for 10
(Fighting MAD (83.85 for 11
and ifyou're really loaded _[[] $4.20 for 12
TIDONMARTIN Steps Out 118.50
NAME.
ADDRESS.
erry. ZONE___
STATE.
On orders ova WA ad 1894 esr
ABSOLUTELY NO CHARGE!
Me wary? has Heer, 1
fenton ee ier en
{Se tse ab, bepk. “Whai-Eol
LETTERS _DEPI
TARGET COVER
‘The cover of your lest issue is a teat
target shot tea times and got a score of
ro. You just can't keep from hitting
‘har stupid face in tbe mle,
‘Chazkes Sebree, Je-
Louisville, Ky
BUILD UP YOUR EGO WiTH
the desiga for the
By the 8
MAD SCRAMBLE
Of course MAD Magazine cannes in-
uence the easmorbut when you realiae
that other galaxies ate ashing away from
he cate of thiry-elghe thoasand
miles a second, makes you woader.
Ricky Boothe
Loe Angeles, Cali
A MAD GUIDE TO eussiA
PRO
Congratulations! Your aetile ia. the
ue of MAD, "A MAD Guide To
was beilliner piece of satire A
Allan Rittet
Sioux Falls College, . D
just read your "MAD Guide To
Russia” and feel I muse congrstil
‘excellent seork, Cl
fy fine articles, Dat yoo
gutalid yourselves on this one. The
‘was quite timely. and for the mo
Rebert J ¥
‘a5 possible. My teacher
‘caughe me with the Tune issue (No. 71)
taal restarted to read it, After readin
“Guide To Russia,” be susacsted
‘everyone get a copy of MAD aad sead
anticle, Then be gave me the mag back,
WONDER.
sia, showed
I think pour magasine
FUL! Your article on
cohat a farce con
artiele shuld be
Your recent act
To Russia” vas
3, Bery Blgler
sisbure, Pa.
MAD. on “A MAD Guile To
ur June istic. Even the spose
per ar magazine could noe
have treated the subject with such invent
ress of purpose. A zeal ex feo the
Soviet system,
Bortstein
Brows, N.Y.
HAVE YOU READ THE LATEST HEAD LINES?
[MAINET, THESE RIDICULOUS LINES THAT TRY TO GET YOU TO ORDER A
ieee
as
pieeee
vase
envy.
STATE,
ADDRESS,
BISQUE CHINA HEAD OF
ALFRED E. NEUMAN
MAD BUST
850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N.Y.
ZONE
(0 ERE SHIPPED CUTSIDCTHEMAA) —A MAD GUIDE TO RUSSIA,
CON
‘Your pathetic attemps at humor CA
MAD Guide To Rusia.” #71) in the
tm of crude covert propaganda is ia
hor poor ste and would amuse none
bar the indoceinatod motor. The Aasert=
can public is constantly bombseded by
fanti-Rugsian propaganda from our do
smestic "Super Patrion.” Your article ran
Tike a chapter from the John Biseh So.
fies's Bleetook—aned that cerainly isn't
1 fecl that you owe your readers an
apalogy, You stopped your search for
froth, a ti
knew would Sind favor because ¢
much nicer tha truth, You assumed chat
Your readers, paeviomtaaacly intellectuals,
dictatorship. is based on falseboo. You
ihayethnfercd voursel'es ireage pecking
some peey slicaorship over the minds of
your readers. The only term for this is
yellow journalism.” It is the cowards
way out
Allan Coleman
New York Cry
T found jour “iatire” om Russia
in very poor tate, Although the
‘was mar meant to be taken se
although there mar be some
T feel thar such a generally sistor
ture af the Soviee Union can only forter
stereatypes and add nothing vo our under~
standiag of the USSR. Rather than la
‘yu enerely
Follow the sypecal
‘American press ir
Pale-al
“This isto inform you thar | with my
subscrigion. er wmediatly Th
of your
save pokes.
Uncoa if anyone ever, perp, the
MAD was “oft 00 eemncr~we
ihe Hur of June C271) shovld convince
them thar your heer aed bonds ae i the
SE lat A the pokes ol he
Etwand
Fern
‘Chatk, Je.
Ry
map customers
Lam ia the process of sta
hospital but Lam having,
prospective patients. Would yo
send mie your subseripeion lis?
BH Burychka
Bate :
the Feitor" Ed,
GAMBLING
: uy we Ing boca
iinow fe ie cue, | oalp hope tht people,
inaread of laughing and thea shugo
‘will be challenged td some
Ichard Peirce
Wheaton College
HoT STUFF
All my life 1 have eat chili, beans
frijles and tamales weapbed io old ews
papers. Yesterday, ther have come
rapped ia caver from MAD Magasi
Today. have ulcer
Pedro Gonzales ‘62
Now Mexico State U., NM.
FREE PUBLICITY [HONEST]
I sce bp the aricle about MAD ia
Newsweek” that you are ten years old
Happy Bitthday, and contiaved success ia
the forure
Kenneth Portnoy
Brighon, Mass.
David Suskind showed
as an example of satire
Phil Goldbera
Brons, N.Y.
‘permission to reprint a MAD article in
their magasine. ‘Tht wae 8 pretty
sway of getting out of paying your Bil.
AUR
‘Cederhurst.N.
Plame address all car
MAD, Dept. 72, 050 Third Avenue
New York’ Cay 72, NY.
MICKEY BITSKO
Or Any Other Idiot That Fits This Description:
MENTALITY: Low
CRIME: HAS UNCONTROLLASLE DESIRE TO.
TASTE: LOWER
SUBSCRIBE TO
MAD
if You Fit This Description, You'll Receive A
REWARD!
Mainly, You'll Get $ Issuos Far The Price Of 8.
MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS
850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. ¥.
1 give upt You've captured me with your stupid
atiempts to rab me of my sanity. But | know a
Steal when | see one, Hen
my name an your subs
vext nine Heeves of MAD. Meanwhile, Ul toy
to lecate a “fence’"—ta kasp cut the postman,
iy $2.00. Enter
i ist and send the
ADDRESS,
ZONE
NOW...IN ITS 18TH PRINTING!
=a “A GOLDEN TRASHERY OF MAD”
(emi cH TL MART £0
issn oF
ins ris rawr
So if you'd like to own a copy of this
hard-cover, de luteanthology af MAD—
136 pages of humor, parody and satire
(many in vivid color) from past issues
rush the coupan with your money to-
day. There is still time to geta valuable
“First Edition”...which incidentally
also happens to be an “Only Edition"!
1
i ocrvy,
MAD ANTHOLOGY
850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N.Y.
| enclose $2.95. Please rush
THE GOLDEN TRASHERY OF MAD
ZONEAlfreds Poor ALMANA'
= 5 5
MAD #73 gros on sale Teachers = | Golf Char Eros Rin beans cacy with
26 | rot on 92 catege campuses. S: GR; | 27 | gotta, arvestes tor reshiess ring, 1996,
77> | Teo Hawks aack three Faicors outside | NATO hols fst necting
Baa | oa teeth ere aor ce SBS | 29 | Maa tinae iho,
“* | pacific Ocean discovered §
30 |oymenan iar BAS.
= | “Gigarette-smoting cab drivor ten SES [oe | se to unpaid tones, italian officials it
1 | potesios smote’ hac Geaey | “a | Siniseensaeey en Tase "ae
Samgnd Tonbengcompages ha “Domine Easy | ~= | Independance Day, American Aline eslebrates by
Senne antlnenes ethe ioe Egaames |g | Secetrceg opecel steven Nights totems,”
Ts] Chess champion Bors Muesotaky v= | Bursting water pipe sods vara, 1698
‘5 | nese maring urine se 1996, % | Stowe ctseee scream “ettomboer the Mala
‘Mao Tse-Tung selects Korean invasion farce, picking “™ | “Gold-digging woman is often
7 |$Sboatcm Counmnn 125000 ron catannenrs61,| & | straied a meeneta™
son | Siamese twin Max Callsh sues = ‘Smithsonian Institute unveils life-size ea
| trmer for Separation 1325, foplencttuis Presieysnes. 1358, CS)
ara, Sheila EIMilght roports er husband
te Postmaster a¢ “Obscene Male,” 1561
35)
lalton Ferauahr invents
striped mouthwash, 1956,
ilk
Bastille Day, Wear your “I Like
Robespierre’ button teday.
“Countries with an averpopulation problem
ceftan foke contra of thelr eensus!” :
BOR
avslops first practical hare air-
satening fat mall, 1931
Ludlow Gumbah
conditionsr, receives
served a
one gets Soro at cold pizza and warm bes
Chief Rair-in-The-Ear loses alrliner seat
17 | them at "Saciety af Pacifists” annual picnic, 195].
Tq | Giant electronic brain at ast. batches wice after
FO ea eee ene ex. | 20 | Coresees Union oul 1980
2] i peraaT RTE RTA ior cw eats Tovboa inca
‘21 | Reistivity, giving US. new hape in space ¥ 22 | often ends up fracturing his scuill”’
Zimmer” S Tes | ox eyrourOverkecelves Plea Pia ore
23 | icite, gots carried away, 1752. = 4 | 24| book on smoking: “The Topic of Cancer,” 1958,
| Bat efron devies“irvaron Rave" animng| nt] Or, Homan Ovo esis Pater re ora
5 | pect eched wind tunvons ance aroma 1560" | 26] book on alent *Laey Cateye er! Ion
Fy stop ans tates sews CBIDicTas | gg Mesa Da tee RTT
Bi | See seh Sta tc aoere"* CSREES. | 2 [Swseat me“viy sone, thu Doro” browne 1960
im | Antique collector, Fenwick Mainspring recovers prized | S% | Sonny Tutts tights with Turhan Bey in min
29 | Mat i tit teks an cerccions yeiomeneks 1311. | 3Q| fence aque Noone buther toweteh, 1961. &
‘75 | arpoepbee bg of crontbow ress
31 | in eet disarmament lalks, Geneva, 1341
intr conases“Pavboy”nfNatonsl Groweahie? P=] Saas tetsal new den tnt
sieretn etching ew tnd atvldsakimen oer" | | tharantisimas ot galeon isso, 4
| intr enluses "AD" wn “congresiona Recor”) sr | contrlarst Emu Furdale et unamplyiert.
1S | ftinatttnciog oon tad effets 1987 | Sener ie comer ens hires fe T988
ar | Baby barn with BF tecth in his mouth =, | ve | Aver toon Omar Geambs accuses wite of infionty,
'5 | Mother armas him hurton Mentan, 1924, a> | | loser suk nen ene reverses the charges, 1990.
2 | [fet See compasesructa sone avaurumbvin [> [und $a eas ae 92 cebes SE poe
7. [drow tor ishing ring nator sana coy | eeu Us ten, =THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE PREPOSTEROUS DEPT. [NOD “HTT H Hon FO" SHALOM HON
Several years ago, a Magazine Editor (who was probably separated from his wife)
coined the word, “togetherness.” And it took the country by storm. We were bombarded
with messages of “togetherness” by magazines, newspapers, skywriting, and even de-
odorant commercials, Now, thanks to television, the ultimate in “togetherness” has
been achieved ... The Family Western, Gone are the gunfights and the killing and the
brutality. Instead, we're getting love and romance and even compatible color—in .
I> Al N A\ N Al ZZ
The = pe a ‘Western
WRITERS: EARLE BOUDH you fellows ean ‘Shortt, the fret
"You an’ Ox ani
forpet about gis ‘thing we gotta da MMute
for a minute=Sam_ is make sure all the COMMUTE
Loco's comin’ this || women are in sate. oe
vay. an’ he's plannin’ |] place, Send "er all ive you
te-snoct up te town! || out ta the Pawnderos
Shucks, Paw! That
as a cirty trick! 9
The least you could
have done was naiter
grew my gun!
Like 1 aways
say, Short Mort
“The terviy that fF
_| Vit never forgot Turner Cartwhes! |
at our high school graduation
decked out in that beat-up leattier
wrote him you were coming!
EY okay, maw ‘You must be the Gartwh
Now shut up, i
Dadgum-it, Puen, she’s
orscmtlowe' a humdingee! hin't she,together, finds
brides toytn er”
ir what ait | is ae From the Halls of Montesumea, Pardon reset My || we don't cotton
‘song about Reanarara ite fami and 1810 || ‘ovary poschint
‘of property ag abo Ta the sh fT trate Homesteaders, an’ || Homesteaders!
The land's called the Pande were bout froce || "Pingive you
‘An? iva! belongs to me! todeath! Would yau || jus’ wiz months
mind if we teceed || "to ast of
Gown on your land || land And yout
Teatortbe igi |] shed evety dey
an hed a patti ora
well, nere we J tim ff Then we better
are, Primrose! Al got started!
Den't mind the Wea 2a
og—he only Flee tt
bites poor fois! FE Emm kitchenttis biel We call
he
but fTALK OF THE TOWNS DEPT.
Half the fun of touring the country by
car—aside from discovering where all
the speeds traps are—is absorbing the
local color of the various regions. We
at MAD feel that the State and County
Highway Depts. could make touring their
areas even more enjoyable by adopting
THAT REFLECT THE LA
Cape Canaveral, Newburgh, New York New Orleans, Lo. Chinatown, San Francisco, Col.
| sar cman ee =)
WORKING DRIVE me | eee,
HOW =| CAREFULLY SieNemaee
“yy | CHINATOWN |
15 M.P.H.
__No srueoee, wo mie!
Beverly Hills, Calif.
WELCOME To
BEVERLY HILLS |SIGNS
NGUAGE OF THE REGION
Quakertown, Penne. Brooklyn, N.Y. Hyannisport, Mass.
THOU]
SHALT NOT
| | suonrest ROUTE TO
WASHINGTON, D.C.
HAHVAHD | ni
‘AND TuEH
Washington, D.C.
ACCORDING 1.8
RELIABLE SOURCE
THERE LbHollywood, Calif. Phoenix, Arizona West Polat ne
A Son! | PRET