FOR “MAD” CHRISTMAS GIFT-GIVING THIS YEAR... E A BALL! WE'LL SEND YOUR GIFTS ALONG WITH A CHEERY ANNOUNCEMENT TELLING WHO TO GET EVEN WITH! For permanent Christmas cheer, give the hard-cover de luxe anthology: “A GOLDEN TRASHERY OF MAD” MAD ANTHOLOGY DEPARTMENT J enclose 850 Third Avenue Please send “A Galden New York 22, N.Y. Trashery of MAD” to; ‘AND SENDA CHEERY ANNOUNCEMENT SAYING ITS A CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM: Give a friend MAD BUST DEPARTMENT =| enclose $__ far: abisque china... 850 Third Ave, New York 22,N.¥. [) 548’ Bustis) at $2.00 each BUST QF eeorssrreemseiereu's a>”) 334” Busts) at $1.00 each | enctose the proper amount and have indicated the size bust. ALFRED Epics send to NEUMAN some “ust” a ORS .--and “bust” a ae = AN meen NO SHO A EMEERY ANNOUNCEMENT SAYING IT A CHRISTA CUT FROME Deck their shelves with books af folly. Give one, several, or complete collection of MAD POCKET-SIZE BOOKS They're perlect for packel-sne minds... and easy on pocketsie badgete! MAD POCKET DEPARTMENT j enciose the proper amount. 850 Third Avenue Inaestey alow, Plese send Hew ork 22 0, the books Fve checked fo— NAME. i ary ee ae are AND SEND A CHEERY ANNOUNCEMENT SAYING IT'S A CHRISTHAS GIFT FROM. ‘The MAD Reader (140 fora E] MAD Strikes Back 756 for 2 Cl inside MAD $1.05 for 3 Utterly MAD ($1.40 fora (The Brothers MAD ($175 for 5 (Ci The Bedside MAD 1 $2.10 for 6 (Son of MAD $2.45 for? me) © The Organization MAD $2.80 for 8 Sa il OLike MAD $3.15 for9 ‘Wrap your gift with a jest paste one on exc Gi The Ides of MAD ($3.50 for 10 FULL COLOR PICTURE OF i Si Fiehting MAD $388 for 2 ALFRED £. NEUMAN OThe rontier Q for 1 Send 25¢ foreach ox Departmant Whal-Color? C0 MAD, CANAD Grint LI 5455 for 18 50 Third Avene, Naw Yark 22, (1 DON MARTIN STEPS OUT 50¢NUMBER 76 JANUARY 1963 the doesn't do it!"—Alfred E. Neuman PUBLISHER: William M. Gaines EDITOR: Albert 6. Feldstein ART DIRECTOR: John Putnam PRODUCTION: Leonard Brenner SUBSCRIPTIONS: Gloria Orlando, Col CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS: The Usual Gang of Idiats DEPARTMENTS AD NAUSEAM DEPARTMENT 'Whon Advortising Takes Over Magazines Completely. .....34 BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side OF Winter... scecessverese 1a BOOSTING THE ECONOMY-SIZE DEPARTMENT If The U.S. Govt, Bought Like Tha U.S, Public Buys... ‘CAPSULE HUMOR DEPARTMENT AMAD Look At Tho U.S. Spaco EHO. ..c.c.ecescseee10 120 CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT DEPARTMENT The Assassin ..... ate DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT sig A Doctor's OMG8".........eseseseceseseccenee “in A Siolian Restaurant”... Batic Batber Shop act eae FOOTAGE IN THE MOUTH DEPARTMENT TV Plt Fim Tat Never Mad FREEDOM WITH SPEECH DEPARTMENT ‘Speaking From Pictures.......... eos or LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mate.<-..-00- MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Drama ano MOTHER, IS THIS INVENTION A NECESSITY? DepARTMENT MAD's Aids To Happier Living PHOTO-PLAY DEPARTMENT ‘Seeing lan't Always Beliaving..........66. B-O PLENTY DEPARTMENT MAD's “Movie hoster Owner OF The Yeat™....0-se.e.010.89 SWEET BIDE OF YOUTH DEPARTMENT Modern Teenage Sports. sees THEY DREW WHAT THEY WANTED DEPARTMENT 1 Kids Designed Thee Ovi Xe Toy osc 4 USELESS INFORMATION DEPARTMENT Alre's Poor Aimanas (Conolusion.... YULE-O-GEE DEPARTMENT NWAD's "Menty Christmas Hapoy New Year” Alphabet Book. “Various Places Araund The Magazine ae — Sp 8, Vol, er ogi are aaa Seb aaa eee rence ec ore efter el pa fis Sk ‘ie panes VITAL FEATURES IF KIDS DESIGNED THEIR OWN TOYS... 4 MAD asks what toys would be Tike if kide designed their own... then answers the question, since wa'eo ‘on tho same mental level US. GOVT. BUYS LIKE US. PUBLIC....10 Je If the Govt bought like the Publie buys, things’ be about the samo: ax they BY, are nom: It would still "¥ spond more than it's got! TW SHOWS THAT NEVER MADE IT.....16 j An article dealing with pilot films of TY shows that were nixed for some reason or other, like article should have bas. SEEING ISN'T ALWAYS BELIEVING. ....22 ‘A look at how newspapers ick photos and captions fo. sneak across editorial opinion... in an article that uses the samo dovice. frie igtien secre mab oa a iY We bet your reaction to ; aries ceregsaine oe nance ee eter MAD'S AIDS TO HAPPIER LIVING. ......38 i\\ ||| MAD offers somo clover Inventions for mapplor living ‘ean call ‘what Going these days “living MOVIE THEATER OWNER OF YEAR. ....39 MAD honors the man whe makes the sick, shocking antics ef Hollywood. stars ostibie— because: be sets the maney ta squander. XMAS-NEW YEAR ALPHABET BOOK. .,.44 ales an “Alphabet that spells out the commoreialism of holidays “ike Chrismas and New Years—to the “letter”!LOOKING FORA Christmas “TIP”? WE'LL SEND A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT TELLING WHOM TO BLAME! MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS == 850 THIRD AVENUE ji NEW YORK 22, N. ¥, ie Enclosed is $2.00. Please send a @-Issue MAD Gift Subscription to: MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS BoTHinavenve 88 NEWYORK 22,N.¥. Enclosed is $2.00. Please send a ‘@-Issue MAD Gitt Subscription to: DR. KILIOY sulations for printing such = fine article as "Dr, Kiljoy” (MAD #74). enjoyed it immensely: Ie was the best yet! ‘Sherry Hagenson Evanston, fib have been some really funny things in MAD, bue you really outdid yoursclf with “Br. Kilj. ‘Chip Beezee Richmond, a ILnever tead a funnier take-off on a TV medical love your maga Kexp up the great wack, You're destroped my image of TV doc. tors, Now,[ cant satel any of ckoseshows ‘without ehinkiag of your article, aad thea Euughing rysel silly over thee. ‘Diana Sardifas Bergenteld, NJ. ‘Your article on “Dr, Kiljoy” was very ‘edocational, and 1 learned a for from it aly bever to gead MAD while Tox ‘siting Dick Melyre Newman, Calif “SPEAKING"—WITH ONE WORD All cansay about your new regular ari= cle "Speaking From Pictures” s— Marc, More, MORE, MORE, MOR E” Joe Lema ‘Warkins Glen, N.Y. (MAD RADIO STATION Well, TU be a koockskaeed Gow! slidn't Know MAT Magnaine had a radio sation until, while delving ehecugh Oks fama, found KMAD ar 1530 on my dial at Madill, Okla MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS 850 THIRD AVENUE Fg NEWYORK 22,n.¥. GS Enclosed is $2.00. Please senda S.issue MAD Gift Subscription to: Nae ane NAME sonatss. ananess, ones. my 20NE STATE —— cory____towe stare} mre stare AND Stn A CHEcAY CHRISTMAS GieT ANMOUNCEMENT BLAMING: Awo Sen A Chicery Cristuas Girr ‘ANNOUNCEMENT BLAMING ‘Ano Seno A Cieery Cristias Girt ‘AnnouncemENT BLAMING:Trtioughe the enclosed photo might be amusing to you because of is resemblance to Alfred E’ Neomaa, the "MAD bor. Ie is a pre-Columbian “terta-cotta” which is in the Dallas Museum of Fine Are ‘Chachons REPRINT FIRST 1SSUE7 I think i would be-a real eeae if you'd poblish an exact replica of the very frst sue of MAD. Jobnoy Bolia Tulsa, Obl, “Why 2? Btw terrible hate the guy who draws the satices of Heney” for MAD because be dose a bet ter job than I do, I draw che" Henry” daily comic strip, and Daa Trachte does che Henry” Sunday page. I think Don feels the same as I de. “Henry” never speaks, Bue brother, Ido—and Im ceay: about MAD, Joha J, Line, J Hentiagion Valier, Pa 850 THIRD AVENUE NEW YORK 22, N.Y. @ Enclosed is $2.00. Picase send a S-Issue MAD Gift Subscriptian to: MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS: AME. COLLEGE HUMOR? Tes amicles Tike “When Newspaper Editors Go Qn Vacation” (74) that prove MAD to be almost too rare for pen- fal pulse eale, Cron, Harvard facolty— ‘on te this "moonlighting And foe faders sake, we hope the Board of Trus: tecs never vote pay raises for Dean Gaines, Brof, Feldstein and sal 1. J. MeNate Fe Smith, rk, CANADIAN MAD FUN, ‘Afer we rend it, we had a “ripping ‘good tine with the latest issue of MAD— IFyou nave what we meat. ‘Linda Litwack Porcage La Prairie, Man., Can, BUBBLING ENTHUSIASM (MAD Ine sunk eo new dep. As a po fessional scuba diver, ' spot many boars sinderwater, Whenever get MAD, ake (Gla with me Soy noe to bees fey When I laugh uoderwater, my facemas fab one Judy Jove New York Ciey ‘QUERY ON BRICKBATS ‘Da people ever throw bricks through your windows? George Ehlers, Je. Anniveon, Als, bricks threavgh oor No, people never thr \windawsbeeasie wa'ee Nah up Ina med fem office building. But pigeons dolmEd. MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS 850 THIRD AVENUE NEW YORK 22, N.Y. 9-Issue MAD Gift Subscripti THEY LAUGHED WHEN I SAT DOWN TO PLAY THE PIANO , “Ate you sate this isthe ending: of the Schubert "Unfinished Symphony? No, Pete—but it might be th I kidding sid, thous on your winning the "Grammy Tor the "Recording Artit of the Yeor."=Ed, SUMAMER REPLACEMENTS enjoyed your article on “Somanor Re ‘Summer Replacement” for MAD! ‘and what we neud i “Summer Replace: meets for nostylererwritersimEd, (MAD-INSPIRED IMPROVEMENTS "The ather day, my boss eaugheme read inga copy of MAD, After Td finished, he tupand begin thumbing throtgh Ie hhinsell This sieaple act on fa part i- spired him to have soeie work dane on four stadior which has Hapeoved our work. ingeonditigns 1000 %- Our sincere thanks to you for providing theboss with the idea that has litecally changed our lives. picked PS. Procitely what does the word Fumigate” mean? Pleats address all correspondence Io: Enclosed is $2.00. Please send a ‘Naw Tork 22, ew York an to: Peter Nero New York, N.Y. Now-whit we toad is a Joe Langishr Balboa [sland, Calif en Sidwell WHOS Radio Tawas City, Mich 7, 830 Third Avenue MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS 850 THIRD AVENUE NEW YORK 22, N. ¥ Enclosed is $2.00, Please send a G-Issue MAD Gift Subscription to: “ADDRESS. cre, ‘Avp Seno A Cuecry CHristuas GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT BLAMING: zone 10 ‘ANNOUNCEMENT BLAMING: ‘Ano Seno A Cucery Curistuas Giet NAME. NAME ‘ADORESS. none. cm, rowe_stare__ | my. ront_stare__ Ano Seno A Cucery Cunistiens Girt ANNOUNCEMENT BLAMina:THEY DREW WHAT THEY WANTED DEPT. We at MAD feel that the designs of tnday's Christmas ‘toys reflect our warped adult sense of values, We at MAO also feel that the success of today's Christmas ‘toys exposes aur basic Insecurity as parents trying to ‘uuy the love of our children with material things. But mainy, we at MAD fee! to cheap to spend that money on our kids! So here is our idea: Instead of nuclear physicists designing complicated castly toys, why not let kids design them? Children’s drawings show simple, beautiful, joyous viewpoints that no grownup can hope to capture. Here, then, is what we would be seeing... IF KIDS THEIR 0 ‘alm nan, ut little girls dl de Tt you don't believe: ity watch how re baby bro sacra. We interrupted [i Karen Shmutz wl icking her finger down| baby brother's throat, and asked her to design thia dDESIGNED WN XMAS PHOTOS BY LESTER KRAUSS A ROWKIT SHIP By Fine Tes WaLD Noze Cotten | ro WATER AND COKA COLER DIsPESIA,THE QUPERCHIF | /AGIN BY GWEN CHNOH AGE 12 ey pave? PACCINGER e872,@ Alfreds Poor ALMANAC a sere Te eae cae g French Guillotine operators goon 13 | tee what they suid in “Speaning From Pictures 14 | striker cemanc severance pay, 1789, Fs ian wha marty more than one woman WW. Ponce de Leon dnorcesPoncetor = 15 | wsuniy navestrang altar exo fing tenga wnaut ren tsiae AR sar | ilar Filmore refuses to sign Pony Express son | The original Canadian Club was not Conadlan, aor was 17 | Bilunioss Goraress atteches vider, 1051. SEC | 18 | ita Club, nas an Alrican spear called a "Schenlsy.” ma | Mevin Waxwing asks that hs wife fi 8 | Hew wusical based an “The Three Bears” opera PDA [16 | Mosamedsacksterares 1860°° RAMA! OD [20 | SrareucweyRenewnrs ale trehe" 1068.” CR [wo | Pict Raiph Ambergris sitairopa Thankegiving dinners [more| Thankagiving Day, Entire nation gives thanks that f Bi force tare acres cate tese Ssus™ | 3a | tna the Mins ctason cranes aseatrenee* Go “aan wha drinks incessantly usually am | asilong as this isthe last Almanac . Pt ence upatabesst of beurbeat’ EE) | 944 | Shetia wcinstock i airmictrank iacobe. SRA Sr | Steed eunar and Curse ae eis ge | = | feet see ete uAmame:-. OUEE BS | OSeosics on "the creat Paansoptiens soa.” @H | 36 | Frans Jecoos se Mate the Cor f Tees | Waithe mackerel cought a 1962 were idendto. h| se | Stan Musial saysne wishes Ne tam pad wonthe Ee a7 | Sateen vere etacee, 2g |uementameertenscoreien C3] Fes [Harry Houdineelaetonty atends Mother imiaws q | em | "Man wna woos eather watehbana 29 | birtnaay party. He just couldn't got out of it, 1924, (FO | is usually strapped tor timer" WRITER: DECEMBER J JAcons Fidahcortrolnwites waving Roce land “Redo 11_| Gubo so he can practice his chicken: pluckini, 2360. ww | washington, 0.¢, alscovers “ow Front ‘on | “Fink elephants are nothing but 2. | Rovietto" ive Kennedys anda Businessman, 1961, | 3 | pigments of the imagination!” "egole wine oun res tates snend | 677) | “z*| France ill weak ot animate ations wn US A 4 | mast of the time minding their mangers! 5 _| tovay after seeing 18th consecutive re-run via Telstar, wore] Sheep herder Walter Whiffe accidentatly sds his | ce" | Pyromaniac Chester Unalay confesses to wolice, GA? G | flock on to State highway, invents the eweturn, 1941 | F | blames it on his burning ambitian, 1938. Nick Adams and Troy Donahue bpen their new Sehoot | ** | “Criminals ore invariably bothered of Acting. Laurance Olivier throws upon site, 2961. | @ | by feelings of apprehensiont Transparent Airlines orders overweight pilot to # U.S, Mint at Philadeip ‘opens new wing, claiming ) goon a “crash diet’'—loses its only plane, 1943, TT | extra facilities will provide better quarters, 1911. an Ly aN cee aS peas mt TUS nv STAT ati the werd "Petrzebie,” all of them incorrect!