SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SEAL ISSUE &Ex-Life Insurance Policy Ow) 1 Elmer Greedy at a PONY Track “Life insurance? I'd rather play the horses!” “Because a PONY man showed me that betting to win makes a lot more sense.” ‘When you buy life insurance, voxy man Rocky Gumbah told me, You're betting to losel Mainly, the Company that issues you that Insurance Policy is making book you stay alive—while you're being you kick off, Now what kind of is that? If you win, you lo the pay-off comes, you ain't around tocollect! Hey, 1 never thought of it that ie A way, Rocky,’ I said. ‘But what do T do with ali the insurance policies that I've been paying premiums on ‘Take the loot and come down to a roxy track with me. I'll show you some gambling that makes sense. When you bet on ‘Cash ‘em in!’ he said. horse and win, you do the collec not some crumby beneficiary! PONY MEN ‘TALK HORSE SENSE They'll be glad to discuss gambling with you, and show you what kind of idiot you are for brying life ins ur more information about Pony gambling, mail coupon at right PONY PARIMUTUELS OF NEW YORK PoNy Dept. M35 Pic-In-The Sky, New York et," The AUC of Playing the Horses at PONY Tracks in N. ¥.StatNUMBER 84 Working on « job may not be as hard as itwsed tobe, but it certainly isa Tot more taxing!”—Alfred E, Neuman WILIAM ME GAINES publisher ALUERT R, FELDSTEIN edit Jou eurNst art director LEONARD BRENNER production TERRY OE FUCEIO, Ni&k MEELIN associate editors awit J. SOWEIBEAN lasuils RICHARD RERNSTEIN publicity [LOMA ORLANDO, CEIAA MORELL, RELSON raRADO studscriptions The usual gang. of idiots DEPARTMENTS ALICE IN WASTELAND DEPARTMENT Jabber-Whacky BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of Cops CLASH OF SYMBOLS DEPARTMENT Trademarks Resulting From Future Mergers DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT The Epicure ‘An Early Moming Bathroom Scene HIRE EDUCATION DEPARTMENT 8 Sure-Fire Methods Of Getting A Job . HO-HO-HO DEPARTMENT ‘AMAD Look At Santa HOLLYWOOD DEPARTMENT More Movie Dialogue We'd Like To Hear JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mai LIGHTS, CAMERA, ECCCH-TION DEPARTMENT ‘Academy Awards For Home Movies MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Dramas MAY | HAVE THE NEXT TRANCE DEPARTMENT ‘A MAD Guide To Hypnotism NAMES IN THE SNOOZE DEPARTMENT Celebrities’ Nightmares ST. NICK KNACKS DEPARTMENT ‘Some MAD Hints For The Coming Xmas Season ‘THE MELODY JINGLES ON DEPARTMENT Futuro Singing Commercials WORKING FOR SCHOOLIE WAGES DEPARTMENT Modern Teacher Magazine **Various Places Around The Magazine JANUARY 1964 24 28 216 13 48 38 15 25,32 33 18 VITAL FEATURES FUTURE SINGING COMMERCIALS ......4 ‘An old song always brings ging commercial. hen it brings on nausea. CELEBRITIES’ NIGHTMARES ..........1.8 i eile meter Fd sce horly ving on "Droam Streot", a quick i turn of events could put JS them in “Nightmare Alley.” SOME MAD HINTS FOR XMAS ........10 o With this timely atte, MAD ctfor some holt Ay euagestons for” esting the'Kae sh, and set I] you up for te buns rush A MAD GUIDE TO HYPNOTISM ........18 You'll 229 how hypnotism fo) works when you read this Az 7) article, because you'll WS/ start getting sloapy . .- \p sleepy... very sleepy ‘THE LIGHTER SIDE OF COPS .........28 fie For hie regular “Lighter @ Side” spot in this issue, z Dave Borg takes a look at “iy "Cops", And now, the cops are looking for Dave Berg, 3. METHODS OF GETTING A JOB ......30 Fear MAD offers 3. suredtive EERE methods of getting a job. AEE. if your boss catches you ®. reading the article, you z DM may need the information. AWARDS FOR HOME MOVIES .........33 While. prosenting Academy ‘Awards for Home Movies, ‘these pages accomplish F< what most home m “they bore you to doath. Kae MODERN TEACHER MAD's own magazine for os shed some light on why 50. ~ school drop-outs are AAD ithe ‘teachers themselves.SEND Christmas Greetings ALL YEAR 'ROUND! GIFT SUBSCRIPTION MAD We'll send acheery Christmas Gift Announcement telling whom to blame! THE MASTERPIECE Congratulations on "The Masterpiece’ in MAD #82. I think ic voiced the pub- lies reaction to che movie “Cleopatra” and to the disgusting publicity ic received Richard Binder Bufalo, New York 1 wish to thank Don Martin for the brilliantly conceived site, “The Master. piece.” I think it admirably expresses the feelings of the public at this point as to the subjece involved, and I hope that the message gets through to all those con cerned Louise M. Bayer New York Ciy SERIOUS LETTER This is an honest-to-goodaess, serious lexter, no gags or silly questions. 1 bave ben reading MAD for several years and Tam still amazed. I have seen ticles in your publication on subjects which would never be touched in other leading maga- ines, Yet, you have had the cotrage to deal ‘with these subjects in a comical ‘manner, You have teated subjects with humor, but the real underlying message ‘comes through. You have had the courage to stand up for your convictions and be liefs: You have been unafraid wo bring truth «0 your readers, even if it ap- peuss co be mere satire. Ta. these times and with the world in the state i isin, all MAD readers should be thankful for your enjoyable, humorous and most of all, (ruthful magazine. You do not try t0 cover up or color your articles. Bravo for your fortiude and ingenuity. 1 know you won't print this leer because you and your staf are much too modest to faccepe any of the credit you 30 richly deserve Charlene L. Seegert Cannon Falls, Minn, (Oh, you are right! You are so right!—Ed Goon sports We, the greedy optometrists who be- long to the California Optometric Asso- cation, chank you for printing that blutry aad on the inside front cover of your Oc tober issue, thereby causing some of your stupid readers in chs state t0 strain thei eyes and rush to us 30 that we could over charge them for lenses and (rames and eyesdrops and like that. Only thing is, w Ikea the ad so much we kepe reading and re-reading ie ourselves, and now most of us have strained our own eyes and now wwe need new furshlugsiner glasses “Arthar C. Heinsen, OLD, Dizector Dept. of Public Information Galifornia Opeomerric Association San Jose, Califoraia ‘TWO MAD ANNUALS? ‘You guys are pretty good—having two. ‘annuals cach year! Gecry Znijewshi Baltimore, Mo, ‘Your “6th Annual Edicion” was very good. All TWO of them. Lets sce you get out ofthis Terry Adams San Gabriel, Calif We're getting out of it by publishing a third annvel, called A Collection of MAD. Follies"—on sole Dec. 5th. swith “The Worst From MAD" ond "More Trash From MAD,” "MAD Follies” will contain octs of ‘idiocy from past faves plos @ hilarious bons insert Ee | MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS it ‘850 Third Avenue Now York City, N.Y. 10022 | MAD suBscriptions 850 Third Avenue New York Cit NY. 10022 | MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS ‘850 Third Avenue New York City, N.Y. 10022 } si2Souaie USA sstapacsee Usk {check erloney Over eno aah Reape “$2.50 ouside USA “s8dsoutate USA, [checker Meney Orie entr-no Gas Roop $2.50 iid USA “ge 38 out USA cece Money Oder ea Cash nected we © | Arise is 52.00, Pease sent 1 coerlosedis 8200" Pease send {Enclosed i $2.00" Pease send {itu HAD it Suisctpton to | 3iaue HAD Git Suse ta bBisve HAD it Saucon a uU; Enclosed is $5.00°*, Please send} 1 Enolosed is $5.00", Please send {Enclosed is $5.00°*. Pease send P| Tvs MDG Seber: eto HAD Gt Sabin ase HAD Gt Saban | | © | me ' PH N nos site —zrcone— | stare 20 coot_— | env SUATE__20 cove. S| wesc cnceremsnus irramonecsem | aye sw acaztcmstus ar anoonccce | So cneT emstae ar amen or muse ase: sine up caterUPON REFLECTION I think your Letters Department is the dumbest thing I've ever read. The only thing ie does for MAD is to take up space Ti like co get a look atone of those idiots who writes tO you. He must be a eal loa! Seeven Wagner ‘Anaheim, Calif 102 minvte, I'l think up @ clever 00. Ed, ust give conswer! Lt WHAT-ME FLYING? It had to happen! MAD's owa airline! D.C. Detweiler ‘Only, Seine, France UPCOMING BERG BOOK MAD "Berg's-Eye View Department has made a hit with me every issue. His superb artistry combined with his satitical find hilarious wie rake an unbeatable Combination, Why don’ you come out with a paperback edition? Stephen North I think ie would be a good idea to publish a hook full of "The Lighter Side Sf Raia"~"Smoking~"Summer'— "Win. fy all by the fanaiest guy on your staf, Dave Berg. If you do, Ill be the first guy to buy one. Frank Kryza Avlingron, Va Berg fons will be hoppy Yo learn thot Dave is hard ot work on «paperback book of allnew ond original material te be colled ‘MAD's Dave. Berg Looks at the U.S.A.” Watch for MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS 850 Third Avenue New York City, N.Y. 10022 1D Enolosed is §2.00°, Please send 4 issue MAD Gift Subserpton to: (closed is $5.00°. Please send ‘2bissue MAD Git Subscription to: CONGRATULATORY LETTER 1 dislike readers who send in congeat- ulary Teeters for your articles. They take up space, and aren't particularly funny Oh, by the way, I enjoyed reading "The ‘Nurtes”. Congratulations ¢o Mort Druck: er and Stan Hare on a fine job, ‘Dave Greenleaf Dunkirk, N.Y. You're right, Dave. They aren't particulorly funny!—Ed VIVA SERGIO Sergio Aragones is the funniest artist ‘MAD has bad inalong time. His "Drawn (Ove Dramas” put more hilarity in less space than any other MAD drawing. His two atices, "A MAD Look at the US. Space Effort” and "A MAD Look at Mo- toreycle Cops” were really great. Lets see mote of Sergio Aragones. Dave Stanton, Pres ‘The Society for the Promotion of Sergio Aragones Sergio does “A MAD Look at Santo" in thie sive. TO THE POINT 1 know how disgusted you must get having to read long, drawnvout letters, 0 for this reason 1 am making this letter 48 short a8 posible. Twill come right t© the point because I realize how frstrat- ing Ie must be £0 you to read leters that are “overdone” and yet actually have a very shore message. Tt must he cerribly Boring to read a leter by some “nut” who ‘heats around the bush” before he gets t© the subject he wrote t9 you about. I have learned that getting righe to the subject saver lot of time and efore, Lem making this letter "short and. sweet" because 1 ie the truth of this fact, I would not hhave you read a long drawn-out leter for the world, because I know you get enough of them as eis. And T know how mad you ‘must get when you have to read that ‘ype of lecer. Well, rest assured that I am not fone of those people who has to make a dull endless speech just to express a small Sarement. That is why T will get right down to what I wrote you about. which Tforgoe. Ricky Parrish Dallas, Texas Please addres oll correspondence ‘MAD, Dept. 84,850 Third Avenue "New Yark, New York 10022 | MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS { 850 Third Avenue |New York City, N.Y. 10022 {Ci Enclosed is $2.00*. Please send | s%ssue MAD Git Subscription to [Enclosed is $5.00", Pease send 224 sue MAD Gift Subscription to FILL THOSE STOCKINGS WITH “GREASY MAD STUFF” -+.and any of the other MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS! use coupon or duplicate MAD POCKET DEPARTMENT 850 Third Avenue New York City, N.Y. 10022 PLEASE SEND ME: [The MAD Frontier [1 MAD In Orbit L ENCLOSE 35¢ FOR EACH ‘ALSO PLEASE SEND ME: 1D The Bedside MAD (Son OFMAD (The Organization MAD Like MAD The Ides of MAD B Fighting MAD 1D) The Voodoo MAD. CD Greasy MAD Stuft [E)Don Martin Steps Out [] Don Martin Bounces Back LENCLOSE S0¢ FOR EACH sa cutee USA ngbaboatelde USA. ene o Meny Order one cash NaNe. NAME. ADDRESS. ‘ADDRESS. STATE —21P coe} cmv STATE__10P cone cry. NO Sena A CMEERYcanisras curr anwounceMENT =| Srare peeane “pa arare otis the USA acd 0% eaTHE MELODY JINGLES ON DEPT. “The lively crowd . . . today agrees . . . those who think young . . . say Pepsi, please!” Sound familiar? Sure, it’s the famous singing TV commercial for Pepsi Cola. But did you know that it was adapted from a popular old song—mainly, Gus Kahn's “Making FUTURE SINGING ADAPTED FROM THE WORKS Tf RALEIGH adapted Lerner and Loewe’s “On The Street Where You Live” We have never owned ‘a stuffed moose before, Fora stuffed moose we just never had no use before Now we've thirty-three— Raleigh sent them free! We just love all those gifts ‘We just love all those gifts that they givet that they give! If ANACIN adapted Rodgers & Hart’s “Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered” cans iiss sores wove fh tsters tener pihhiettegts FIORE you mins coming Atm. eters | eee ltt IORI to ry tice ana rat yu hear Bip sue gt a readech fies Ser) tina eet ie Oaiaiekg | ES Ma Sa , P ‘Whoopee”? Well, if we know how the creative minds on Madison Avenue work, it won't ARTIST; be long before more and more singing commercials will be adapted from Popular 0 od Cee eee: songs. So, to sicken you before they do, here is our special MAD preview of . PRANK JACOBS T V COMMERCIALS OF FAMOUS SONGWRITERS Coe SSS ES And, ob just look at our 7 Eriet wk weicbe By When our son curns four pl ‘You will see a chimpanze ighty packs or so— We'll save even more! We love the glorious feel ‘And those coupons we are saving ‘That we'e saving up to get him The Bronx Zoo! In great stacks, you know! My brain again Feels pain agai Like being sm by at Distressed, dis despondent ‘and despondent No more!If DASH adapted Sigmund Romberg’s “Stouthearted Men” T won't know til ve We bring regards from Allstate— talked with my Allstate ‘The company chat understands! Insurance man. | just You've got our new Home Owner's policy, called him from the Which means you're in hands! incerta ora inseod If CREST adapted Leonard Bernstein's “The Jets’ Song” [We're the When you use Crest : greatest! ing dec = sayin shapeHey! You still using that greasy kid stuff?NAMES IN THE SNOOZE DEPT. We suppose everybody has had a bad dream now and then, but what about the people “in the public eye”? We learn a great deal about these people from the various mass media, but CELEBRIVIES PRESIDENT KENNEDY PREMIER KHRUSHCHEV THE LONDON a DAILY EXPRESS RISTINE KEELE i EMicrates to THE US. WASHINGTON Be “Where E ,one thing we don’t know is what these famous figures dream about. Which is why We'VE ort onucker conjured up these speculative scenes from the slumbering subconscious, and called them... 9, wRizER: NIGHTMARES GOVERNOR ROCKEFELLER Governor, the State Historical Society tracing ye tree‘ST. NICK KNACKS DEPT. Here it is November, and you've probably just finished your last-minute Christmas Shopping! Well, that takes care of 1962! Now what about 19637 map HINTS ic CHRISTMAS SHOPPING Zo,ptepare vourself physically for shopping during the Christmas Season, follow this practical training course: ey Gather 20 friends... . Come to think Next, empty everything but one shirt count of 8 try to beat your in this case enemies would be from’ closet. Put price tag of $12.00 20 friends to the one shirt. Repeat = in one room in your home. on shirt, then mark it down to $1.98. until you've mastered this technique. MAILING LINES 1s bad enough buying gifts, but mailing them is worse. Here’s MAD’s method of licking the Post Office problem: "The cheaper ‘With wrapped alarm clock ticking loud- alarm clock. Wrap and label all gifts ly, stand'on a line at the Post Office. unless, that is, you live in an area that have to be mailed ... plus clock. Act suspicious, nervous and fidgety. _ where practically everyone reads MAD.Since so many people wait till the last minute to do their shopping and ARTIST: BOB CLARKE other Christmas chores, MAD now comes to their rescue by offering . . « WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO ve shop for. “WHAT TO BUY WHO” QUESTIONNARE ‘Xsvwer each question carefully. Save tine and money. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE BELOVED PERSON | AM ‘THIS PERSON IS A LITTLE PUSHY, ISN'T SHE (HE)?. GIVING THIS GIFT To? ‘ABOUT HOW MUCH CAN 1 AFFORD TO SPEND ON THIS JUST WHO THE HELL DOES THIS PERSON THINK PERSON? SHE QUE ES P27 a ee WHAT ARE THIS PERSON'S LIKES? | SHOULD SPEND MY HARD-EARNED MONEY ON A FINK? DISLIKES?. WHAT AM 1, CRAZY222 AM 1 SURE THIS PERSON IS REALLY WORTH IT?__ HAVE | SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY JUST IN TIME? HASN'T THIS PERSON DISPLAYED SOME DISAGREEABLE WHAT SHOULD | BUY MYSELF ON THE MONEY | WAS PLANNING ‘TRAITS DURING THE PAST YEAR? —__ ‘TO SPEND ON THIS FINK’S GIFT? fi f useful bad; i S SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BADGES Physica! contact during the Christoas shopping rush: NIGHT » INFORMATION WATCHMAN — ah ‘ FOR No. 7957352 N ts) eee Poste this badge on att cardboard, Use his badge to shop ater 9 PM and ‘Ifthe 2 foregoing procadures do not tit out, and'pin it to your lapel before 8 AM Be prepared to save lots appeal fo you for ‘various emtons Euter any crowded Departnent Store, of money ea no sale haip i mualiy le you're too chicken to xe them, decide which foor you wart to shop preset at this me, Ba prepared 0 se bodge He oxtablahee you ar Gn, and divest poople (floor other taveceven more money au teal watch: “IKook™ Poople wil be aud to than the ene youve chosen, Then you man stsully resents this time, and question yu sx You push through the shop in uncrowded, leisurely fashion. prison inmates don't exchange gifts crowds and walk to the front of lines.TRINMING THETREE sive 'y natant ad Loa Ste Gouna eae save ae (gametes Te: pn melts ig Disae f yen mage ne ehh ea tire pe ei i ive hundreds of Christm rds, mostly fr Ne ited to THE CHRISTMAS CARD PROBLEM Sed to ouseves Wh is simple MAD “Spc atl Sette praens ste, Isn't that a coincidence! We both picked the same Christmas card! Here is typical card received from Using special "MAD 3-piece Labol Set someone you neglected to send one to: you ean drop same card back in the m Mary and Jota any 2 oy jon Anybody ( Naaooas Aeas, Street Faaoon, Now ¥ wet Pies Heart Street snster and ues, Arnold F Ur citaoesate, Drive gd Mes. Avnota Finete Shopticn Penna Sfehetestate! Brive “neter SPECIAL‘‘AFTER CHRISTIAS CARDS” There are several notes or cards to be sent out after Christmas, MAD takes most. of the work out of writing them with this selection of “After Christmas Cards”: “Thank You Card” for Christmas Gift you really hated but _ “Belated Card” for people who send cards too late to be helps you avoid lying about how much you loved the thing: _ returned, and too late to even send back New Year Card: 4% franks for thegife cL pust loved te c elie js oat rte ‘aibltons aid. color this happy occasion, Praha tls matsita Pote |) Sierras Package cndudh, Leypseciilli, ‘may join with him Gas that little tag which said Sasha eat od Youd and Fan. en Japon tl anid Bcc MAIL BEFORE LE'S BIRTHDAY, JAN. 177HDON MARTIN DEPT. PART | And now for a taste of culture...a delicious treat by Don Martin, MAD's maddest artist. Don dishes up a tasty morsel...mainly, a saccharin-sweet poem, slightly roasted by his own interpretation and inimitable drawing style. Here, then, is... THE EPICURE BY EDGAR A. GUEST ILLUSTRATED BY DON MARTIN From "Collected Vorse of Edgar A. Guest” Copyright, 1934, by The Relly& Lew Co I've sipped a rich man’s sparkling wine, XS His silverware I've handled. I've placed these battered legs of mine, "Neath tables gayly candied. I dine on rare and costly fare When'er good fortune lets me, But there's no meal that can compare With those the missus gets me.YD Give me the plain anes ‘e aHOLLYWOOD DEPT. OFZ MOVIE DIALOGUE WED LIKE TO HEAR ACOLLECTION OF “REVERSE CLICHES” DESIGNED TO INJECT NEW LIFE INTO OLD “‘SURE-FIRE DIALOGUE” YipCLASH OF SYMBOLS DEPT. This next article speculates on some of the ridiculous trademarks and advertising symbols which could result if America’s big corporations continue this trend toward becoming even bigger. Mainly, here are. . . TRADEMARKS SCHWEPPES & WHITE ROCK RCA VICTOR & MGM RECORDS SHERWIN WILLIAMS AMERICAN AIRLINES WHITE OWL & & & Parc menien inne GREYHOUND BUSSES SIR WALTER RALEIGHresulting from future mergers CANNON TOWELS KOOLS & CAMEL CIGARETTES HASTINGS PISTON RINGS & = _ & JANTZEN SWIM SUITS FISK TIRES ‘SUNSHINE BISCUITS & ARM AND HAMMER eras BAKING SODA ARROW & HATHAWAY SHIRTS —ARROH- aya * & MAD MAGAZINE OLD GRAND-DAD & OLD CROW WHISKEY és MORTON’S SALT & HEINZ KETCHUP oo SESS “When it rains, it glops!””MAY | HAVE THE NEXT TRANCE DEPT. A MAD Guide to A NOTE OF INTRODUCTION First of all, remember: Hypnotism is an art, like playing the violin or the kazoo, and requires intensive practice before you can master it. Just as you would not expect to pick up a violin or a kazoo and immediately play it like an expert, ‘you cannot expect to pick up this magazine and immedi- ately become an expert hypnotist after reading this article. You can, however, expect to be able to hypnotize a violin or ‘a kazoo after reading this article—if you go in for that sort of thing. Hypnotism is by no means new. It has been used for centuries by the Egyptians, the Indians, the Persians, the Chinese, and the Southern Baptists, Tales of healing by the ‘spoken word, and laying on of the hands are recorded in ‘many little-read sources—such as books. The father of modern hypnotism was Franz Mesmer. ‘There is no record of a mother of modern hypnotism, but a good guess might be Brigitte Bardot. Mesmer was a Viennese by birth, and an egotist by inclination, so he called his discovery “Mesmerism." In fact, he called every: thing he knew “'Mesmerism,” except Vienna, which he never called at all, (How could he call? There were no tele- phones!) Mesmer had peculiar ideas about how mesmerism worked. He thought that a strange current flowed from the operator to the subject. He called this “Animal Mag- netism.” Today, we have a different name for it. We call it “Poppycock”! Most of Mesmer's techniques have long since been discredited, including a bewildering array of idiotic gestures, passes, and armwaves. The only one using them these days is Mitch Miller. Today, we know that hypnotism is not a mystie power, ‘but merely the result of mental suggestion. Anyone with average mental equipment can do it. Which leaves out most of your MAD readers, but as we hypnotists say, "That's the way the cookie crumbles!” You can always try card tricks. ‘A word of warning: Hypnotism misused can be dan- {gerous, just as a misused violin or kazoo can be dangerous. So read this article carefully before attempting to use hyp- ‘otism for, say, brain surgery. ‘And finally, remember that hypnotism is simply a case ‘of mental concentration. So if you're able to concentrate Jong enough to read this prepasterous article, the rest ‘should be easy! VIOLIN KAzoO HOW TO HYPN Hypnotism is achieved by getting a subject to concentrate his attention on your suggestions, thus putting his mind under your control. Accomplish this, and he will be like purty in your hands. If you like handling putty, you'll love hypnotism, To put a subject under his control, the hypnotist repeats a phrase over and over again. The usual phrase is "You are very sleepy! You are very sleepy However, other phrases have been successful, like "Smoke BASIC TOOLS USED BY EX| There are many aids and tools that hypaotists, especially experts, use regularly. These are usually items that che WaTcH Here, the subject concentrates on a bright, shiny watch If the subject concencraces hard enough, he’ will probably go co sleep. If not, at least hell know what time ic is EVEN MORE BASIC TOOLS HYPNOTIC CARTOON ZIG-ZAGS. Beginner atcaches these 10 his eyeballs. Looks like « real hypnotist. Or a real nurIZEACSUBIECT ARTIST: GOBCLARKE WRITER: PHIL HAHN Kools! Smoke Kools . ..” Don't bother with phrases like Buy MAD! Buy MAD... .” We tried ir, and it doesn't work! Doesn't work... Whatever phrase you use, always project self-confidence and strength of character. The subject must trust you implicitly. Do not, under any cit- cumstance, let him catch you referting to this article. Te might rend to make him 2 bit nervous. Hysterical, even. Especially if you forget to tear it out of the magazine. ERIENCED HYPNOTISTS subject stares at and concentrates on, thus inducing deep sleep. Like 2 TV set, frinstance, Here are just a few: CANDLE Hiere, the subject concentrates on a candle, The hypnorist Here, the subject is concentrating on an expensive mink is hoping the subject will soon go t0 sleep. The subject coat. She is hypnotized already. She will do anything the js hoping the hot ‘wax will soon burn the hypaocst’s hand. hypnocst suggests. Guess what che bypnocst will suggest USED BY BEGINNING HYPNOTISTS HYPNOTIC PHONOGRAPH RECORD. This "Beginner's Aid” is HYPNOTIC SLEEP STICK. Used only as a last resort. A guaranteed to put anyone co sleep. Ics by Lawrence Welk,CHOOSING A SUBJECT There are a number of mental and emotional qualities that Mainly, however, you must look for a subject who's idiot make for a desirable subject, and you must lock for them. enough co lec another idiot like you try :o hypnotize him, HIGH INTELLIGENCE Surprising as it may seem, high intelligence is desirable But anyway, it’s a fact that a person's susceptibility to in a subject. A stupid person is less easily hypnotized hypnosis increases as his LQ. increases. Thus, someone than an intelligent one. The trouble is, the intelligent like Einstein would have been easy to hypnotize ... while ones have more sense than to fool around with this junk. the Editor of MAD probably cannot be hypnotized at all. @o0op suBsecT BAD SUBJECT COOPERATIVE ATTITUDE No one can be hypnotized against his will. The reason for see, therefore, how important che subject's attitude can this is chat the subject actually hypnotizes himself. The be. The subjece must be extremely cooperative, of nothing hhypaotise merely acts as a “catalyst.” Those of you who will happen, For your first subject, choose someone who have not as yet run off to look up “catalyst” can readily is very, very cooperative. Elizabeth Taylor, frinstance. (You area donkey!) {1 ama donkey!) [You area donkey! | (You are anothert] [Youre donkey! (Hee-Haw! ‘You area donkey! [isn a donkeyt| [You are aconkey! | |You are anothert| | You area donkey!| | Hee-Haw! = if y NV @oop suBsEcT BAD SUBJECT MENTAL HEALTH When you choose a subject, be sure that he is absolutely are either very lucky, ot a good lias, So do what you can normal, mentally — and that he is free from any serious with what's available, and above all, seay away from the neuroses or psychoses. If you know anyone like this, you Advertising Crowd, No sense in just asking for trouble! BAD SUBJECT RIDICULOUS SUBJECTMANIPULATING THE SUBJECT THE SUBJECT’S MORAL CODE When manipulating your subject, always remember that he will not do anything under hypnosis char he would not do normally, His moral code procects him. Frinscance, you ‘can get a human being to behave like a cuckoo bird, but you can’t get a cuckoo bird to behave like a human being. ‘This is because cuckoo birds have a higher moral code than human beings. However, you can fool a subject. By Setting up a false situation, you can get a subject ro do something he may have moral compunctions against, simply because he won't think he's doing what he's doing. Like: Under hypnosis, a juvenile delinquent, faving bec oid thar he i entering his favorite "pool hall, cheerfully Saunters into « Sandty. School clase A big, dumb truck driver, having been told that he is going into a theater to sce a Brigiete Bardot film, cheer- fully artends a performance of Hamlet ‘A pretey girl, having been told that she is in her own bedroom, undressing for bed, cheerfully clobbets the hyp: notist who thought she was hypnotized. DEGREES OF HYPNOSIS “There are several stages of the "Hypnotic Trance through which a subject may pass while under hypnosis. Therefore, ic is important thae you know how to recognize the stages, and that you know whar to do with a subject in each case. ‘STAGE ONE: LIGHT TRANCE Patient still seems to be awake. The trance is characterized by open eyes, even breathing, and a calm demeanor, WHAT To DO: Give simple suggestions, Light memory probing and post-bypnotic suggestions possible if subject is im this stage. STAGE TWO: DEEP TRANCE tulene meno eden Weep Guametac! by od apn = dep brenting. and 4 very el demeanor WHAT To Do: Give complied suggestions, Deep: memory probing, surgery, payhitic Sennmeat are posible ts he segs MASS HYPNOSIS roo Trance characterized by wide, staring eyes, absolutely no breathing at all, and a very, very, very calm demeanor. WHAT To Do: Berter bury him Quick He's dead! Mass hypnosis (putting large groups of people to sleep at fone time) is a difficult feat, and can only be done by a handful of expert hypnocists, and most TV show producers. If you attempe it, be sure your subjects are in the right mood: sympathetic, receptive and well-behaved. Otherwise, you'll only embarrass yourself, and alienate your subjectsUSES FOR There are many uses for hypnotism, It is good for memory probing, anesthesia, self-improvement, psychiatric treat- CURING SILLY FEARS Here we see a man with a silly fear Here we see a hypaotise putting the Here we see the man completely cured of heights. Standing on tiptoes tet man into & wance. The hypnotist will of his silly fear of heights — as he tiles his man. Even just standing. cure him of his silly fear of heights. falls off The Empire State Building ANESTHESIA ing hyp- anesthesia so that he can remove the anesthesia so he can remove the gall otic anesthesia s0 he can remove the tooth from a patienc’s mouth easily. bladder from patient's abdomen easily. money from a patient's wallec easily. ELIMINATING PSYCHOSOMATIC PAINS Here we seea hypochondtiac whokeeps Here we see a hypnotist eliminating Here we see the cured hypochondiac imagining he has pain in his stomach. the imaginary stomach pain he feels. dyiog of an imaginary burst appendix. A NOTE OF WARNI No donbe there are real dangers in the practice of hypno- tism . . . especially now that you have decided to try ic However, there are real dangers in everything we do, likeHYPNOTISM WEEE ED penny sll ‘ment and entertainment. Mainly, though, it’s good because it gives us something to write ridiculous articles about. MEMORY PROBING ‘Here we see a man suffering from one Here we see the man under hypnosis, Here we see the cured man arriving at form of amnesia. He has suddenly and responding to gentle memory probing, his house — and suddenly remembering, completely forgotten where he lives, recalling the address where he lives. why he tried ro forget where he lives. SELF-IMPROVEMENT ak = SSees2- Hereweseeanamby-pambymilqueoast Here we see the same man after hypno- Here we see the same man applying for who just missed another promotion and sis, bursting into the Boss ofice “Unemployment” after being fired for didn’t even have the nerve t0 ask why. 0 demand 2 satisfactory explanarion. being insubordinare, loud and pushy. PARTY ENTERTAINMENT Here we see a clever host preparing Here we see the clever host attempt- Here we see the highly amused guests to amuse his guests with hypnotism he ing to make a fool of his subject by laughing heartily at the clever host learned from reading this article. hypnosis, and thus amuse his guests. who has just made a fool of himself NG IN CONCLUSION playing the violin or kazoo. If 2 novice is aware of the dangers, he can take sensible precautionary measures like crossing his fingers or rubbing a wart hog for luck.ALICE IN WASTELAND DEPT. Sabber-Whacky ON DREAMING, AFTER FALLING ASLEEP WATCH ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: ISABELLED! CAPRIO "Twas Brillo, and the G.E. Stoves, Did Procter-Gamble in the Glade; All Pillsbury were the Taystee loa And in a Minute Maid. “Beware the Station-Break, my son! ‘The voice that lulls, the ads that vex! Beware the Doctors Claim, and shun ‘That horror called Brand-X! He took his Q-Tip’d swab in hand; Long time the Tension Headache fought— So Dristan he by a Meret ‘And Bayer-break’d in thought. And asin Bufferin Gulf he stood, ‘The Station-Break, with Rise of Tame, Came Wisking through the Pride-hazed wood, And Creme-Rinsed asit eame! Buy one! Buy two! We're almost through! ‘The Q-Tip'd Dash went Spie and Span! He Tide Air-Wick, and with Bisqniek Went Aero-Waxing Ban. _ “And hast thou Dreft the Station-Breakt Ajax the Breck, Excedrin boy! Oh, Fab wash day, Cashmere Bouquet!” ‘He Handi-Wrapped with Joy. “Twas Brillo, and the G.B. Stoves, Did Pro All Pillsbury were the ‘Taystee loaves, Andina Minute Maid.JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART | da de L af eee aie i i HSBERG'S-EVE VIEW DEPT. We've always felt Dave Berg had a | i ‘screw loose, and now we know it! eE Mainly, who else but a nut would be idiot enough to publicly poke LIG HT ER fun at the members of the Police Department. Well, he does in this etn e i — Blast! There's never Hold it, Buddy ve got a litle VE BEEN ROBBED! | /2: >?"| a policeman around Syomsin tor yout A Uchet for ha —i/ when you need onel! “JAY-WALKING! wee Sol Here's another charge ‘gaint you! It says here that you're supposed to be wearing glasses! But, Officer! | | don’t care WHO you know, have CONTACTS! lady! You're supposed to ‘be wearing glasses!? Hold it lady! That was ull Stop” sien 1d you didn’t stop! Car 28—Investigate ‘complaint about a noisy party at ‘40 Davenport Ave.! ‘Now, listen—you've got neighbors who are trying to sleep—so hold it dawn! What's more, | understand thisis the second time ~] tonight you've been warned!There's a police car behind yout Better slow down! Heh-heh! Putting up that sign has sure cut down on ‘the speeders around here! rm sure it was a very expensive deal—but | uess it was worth itt That cop is stil following us! He's making me ‘Abhi Ten dollars Isn't so expensivet You're nervous? What am I—made ‘of wood? What oes he want? Vm practically crawling now! TEN DOLLARS!? FOR ALL THAT ‘ADAR EQUIPMENT?! HEY, YOU... UP AHEAD! YOU LOOKIN FOR A TICKET FOR OBSTRUCTING TRAFFIC? PUT A LITTLE SPEED ON!! RADAR SPEED CONTROLThen you ought to know better!) (That's Going through 2 red light Kou Isa serious offense! what's. | | M-A-N your name? ‘Aw, nuts! | spelled it wrong! VM have to write out another! ‘Okay, wise guy! Just hold it right there! You ought to now better! Littering is @ serious offense! Now. . What's your name? fre you the lady who called for 2 policeman? t's that shameless man over ‘there! He's taking a shower, and he hasn't got the decency ‘to pull down the shadest! house two blocks away! T don't see any man, Of course you don't see lady! Infact, rdon't a thing! You're not ‘see thing except that using these binoculars! f a y Really? | Tnever did He probably ]{ Nah, he's got wonder what ‘rust him! fembezzied || lean and hunery he's done! the company funds , In rain and Gee, | didn’t think of ] [And getting @ ‘snow storms that, either! But riding} | lotof lip from ‘and on hot fon a motorcycle is, big-mouthed nd Wl the erooks! Bang! Bane! Boy, what fun! summer days? lots of funt| women drivers?TAT ght? ‘You were doing 60 miles Yeah? What's ) {ve got to eet there before annour in 230 milezone! soimportant | | 'itcloaes... <0! can pay What's the big rush? about getting | | for ts speeding ticket | its teribly | ( to-ciy Hall oot yesterday! important! There's a cop coming up the walk! What do you suppose we fy ia wrong? On-Ont | bet he's gonna sive us a summons for ot removing the snow from the sidewalk! No, | think he's going to sive usa summons for ‘not having a cover on the ‘Or maybe we're getting a ticket because the dog Remember this: You're @ T'm moving along! servant of the people, and I'm a taxpayer! That makes me YOUR BOSS! “Then you're just the guy \wanna see! HOW ABOUT ‘RAISE... BOSS? Well, the uniform is keent Ill buy a dozen of them! Are you kiddin’? Welt, driving na policeman's ‘around in a ‘Yeah—answering erank ealls| Gee, thanks for warning to chase kids ike you and || me! When | grow up, 'm me from playing ballin ‘gonna be a fireman! ‘the streets! Hey, how come you know ‘SO much about cops?HIRE EDUCATION DEPT. In this modern age of keen competition, there often ‘are hundreds of applicants for every job openin Therefore, as a service to its readers, MAD gives some helpful advice on how to fand that job. Why MAD reader would want ajob is beyond us, but every family has its black sheep—and it's for these sheep ‘that this article is intended. Those of you who break ‘ut in a cold sweat and get the shakes at the very thought of going to work may skip this article . aU IRE METHODS GETTING A JOD METHOD #1-The “Direct Approach” Look at the “Want Ads’ in your local paper, and carefully pick out the job you want . . « Instead, go directly into the Men's Room down the hall, and remove your jacket and roll up your shirt sleeves... . METHOD #2-The “Decoy Ad Approach” Decide on what kind of job you want, then place “Want Ad”” in paper that sounds very attractive to others in field: GLASS BLOWER — No exper ( ence necessary, ‘hour day, 5: day week, $200 per week. For in- terviows, apply today, 95 Oak St. METHOD #3 -The “One-Two Tailored Ad| Pick out company you would like to work for, then place ad in paper See oe worded so it applies only to you: foung, Mat —— a win ote (ae coe Tookne 10 int ef We a gence We TS E75 west ‘nat Sua § a oes ues aoranceent FE Ti at a in we Ly ano Af icecies: 94 M35 Geomety "IEE tation i ATS py WDE UNENad Answer ad by going to the address where the Do not go ig room because it will be interviews for the job are being given . . . filled by hundreds of others like you who answered ad... With shirt sleeves rolled up and tie loosened, enter the While other applicants leave hastily, you retrieve your waiting room with air of authority and casually announce: jacket, roll down sleeves, and return alone to claim job! Since no such job exists, or for that matter the address, While you select the next best job offer and apply for an applicants will waste day waiting in vain in vacant lot... interview completely devoid of competition. (Note: Do not excited, your own want ad!) Approach” You then show up with ad, and Personnel Manager, not wishing to appear an idiot, will hire you on the spot! If he gives you any trouble, show second ad you placedJOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART IILIGHTS, CAMERA, ECCCH-TION DEPT. Every year, the movie industry makes a big hoo-hah over the Academy Awards. Frankly, we're not impressed, How tough is it to make a movie when you have $37,000,000 to blow on it? Huh? MAD feels that it's about time the really dedicated movie-makers of this country get their deserved recognition! We mean that vast army of amateurs who are devoted to the cinematic art despite limited funds and even more limited talent . . . the “Flome Movie Makers"! And so, in order to give ‘em what's coming to ‘em, MAD Magazine proudly presents: The ACADEMY AWARDS for HOME MOVIES ARTIST: MORT ORUCKER WRITER: STAN HART ‘ut of more than 1,786,542 reels of film submitted, the Academy has chosen the ones it considers tobe the finest examples of the "Home Movie-Making Art”. To supervise the balloting, the Academy has engaged the services of Mr. Irving Waterhouse, famous ‘candy store owner, who is also a Notary Public, and took two years of bookkeeping at Rutgers night extension school. He will hhand me the envelopes. which have been sealed with library paste, and I will open, them and read the nominees and winner in each of th From the fabulous Knotty Pine Basement in the gatishly furnished split level house of Mr. Louis Kraeviteh, overlooking. the otter eleven thousand two hundred and fifty seven garishly furnished split level houses in lovely Levittown, New York—the “Home Movie” Capital of the World—the || Amateur Motion Picture Academy of Arts and ‘Sciences presents “The First Annual Academy Awards Ceremony’ l show excerats from each award.winning fil ‘Since Lyman always has a litle trouble threading the film, 1 like t to stamp, whistle, or clap your hands in | Our projectionist, Mr. Lyman Fumbler, unison. Aiso please refrain from making ‘shadow pictures of swans on the screen! That means you, too, Mr. Waterhouse! Well, T see that Lyman is about ready—so— ‘on with the Awards...‘The frst category is for “Best Coyness”! Bi The nominees are the films: “Aw, C'mon, Uncle Jack", featuring Jack Gluck being coaxed to do his "Pat Rooney imitation’ — “Girl of 4, Where Are Your” with Modesty", starring Theresa Mutz Diane Picknoze doing "I'm A Little reluctantly yielding to pressure Teapot” while siting under a piano Jf to show her new engegement ring — ‘The next category is for “Best Waving’! he nominees are the films: “Upstaging”, featuring Sally Ann Freem, staring. at her younger sister's wedding . }“hy Son, The 4th Window From The [fl “Yoo-Hoo", featuring Mildred Twill End”, with Sanford Gass leaving during the minute of silence at ‘to Visit hie aunt in Utah the Memorial Day services... For the best “Special Events—Wedding’" Jf “Just What We Wanted”, featuring Jf “Unidentified Flying Objects”, with category, nominees are: “How Romantic”, ine the kid brothers of the happy couple with Aunt Ida and Aunt Zelda waltzing . Fp throwing shelled peanuts and scaling gether at Shirley Plutz's wedding mint pattios across the dance floorNow the award for “Priceless Memories Of | Joan Fagel’s film, “You're Driving oa (Children's Parties", The first nominee © Me To An Early Grave", starring her Wl "“The Actress’, with Clara Englehard ie "The Search”, a candid study of the ‘wins poking each other in their attracting attention by performing innocent joys of childhood unending "Got-You-Last!” contest [f her ‘Make-Believe-t'm-Deac! routine— f] The nominces for the "He's Funny Enough ff “Girt Overboard!" featuring horseplay | “The 65th Birthday”, starring Cart To Be On TV" category are: “Diamond Lil", » by Harry Hartnett as he gaily throws» Bletch doing his clever This Food with Lenny Rupp dressed as Mae West, em: his terrified date into the pool, Stinks!" pantomime at the catered barrassing his farmily for 60 feet of flm— J knowing full wall she can't swim— party his son gave in his honor—‘And the winner Is: “A Boy's Best Friend Is His Dog, But Not On His First Birthday”, with fiendish Donny Portnoy— ‘Accepting the Thank you—and | know that Donny award for Donny || would want me to give credit to that is his father, great cani 2 Erie Portnoy ‘And the winner is: “Gangway—Here | Come”, with Al Longo in the ever-popular "Running At The Camera” routine AA, baby, you're beautiful, just The beautiful’ We've seen good runs stitches at cameras, but yours was truly come out ‘an 8 millimeter milestone. Would next week! Yyou like to say something... ‘And the winner is: “Driving Across America, Land Of Scenic Rani Ane |S Splendor’, Doris Flang’s classic example of how to shoot ‘an entire travel fim through a moving car’s windshield— “and that brings to a close to thank my husband the First Annual Academy ‘Awards For Home Movies. The whose driving helped |/""Winners will celebrate ata make our trip from || avish partyin the two rear New York to California || yawn Orne’ Woturhouee's the happiest 13 hours |! candy store. And... please, im my fe winners! No movie camerast ‘We want to enjoy ourselves!HO-HO-HO DEPT.JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART IIWORKING FOR SCHOOLIE WAGES DEPT. Back in September, 1960, we ran a magazine aimed at what we then thought was the most miserable animal in existence—The Beatnik. But in September, 1962, we came up with a magazine for even a lower species of the human race—The Racketeer. Frankly, we thought we'd hit bottom. But recently, after digging among the very dregs of humanity, we came up with the individual who is now considered to be the lowest creature of them all by the American public. Here then is MAD’s version of a magazine aimed at the... ES = (= (ATTENDED AP-T-A. MEET! ‘An Outraged Parent Speaks Out: (FEDS SCHOOL INTEGRATION? = Sue” wr LEARN MY KIDS AT HOME! Cd Bice) PPR Cnr ae Lea atelil aaa) a Le SORA Cert: Hasta ialHave You Been Suspended Lately For Recommending Communistic Literature to your Students? Play Te Safe With SIMON PURE BOOKS ‘The Simon Pure Publishing Company has re-writen hundreds of well-known subversive’ works 0. that they ‘meet"the patriotic standards. of all, parents Who are members of the DAR, Birch Society, ete Here tre only a few of the book and storie you can order and ‘safely ‘assign to your clas tadoy % GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE EAGLES formerly *Golditcks and the The Bear 2% MELVINHOE formery “ankoe" > THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE BADGE OF COURAGE formerly "The Red Bade of Courage” ® WEST OF EDEN formerly “East of Een” ® THE 39 PRAIRIES formerly "The 39 Steps’ Write For Our Fee Catalogue SIMON PURE BOOKS Box 1776, Philedelphia, Pa CATCH THAT CHEAT! Why put up with exam-cheaters? ‘Nip cribbing in the bud—with RANKIN REAR-VIEW MIRRORS These hay rearview miro attach neatly over your fege lass frames to give a clet, unobstructed view of the Eassroom while you're writing onthe blackoowd ‘ALSO HANDY FOR CATCHING: Spittal Throwers ‘Smeockers Fanay-Face Makers Sleepers DiryPeturePassers ——Whisperers Inhalt Pigtitippers ‘COUNTLESS OTHER BERIND-YOUR BACK ACTIVITIES ON SALE NOW AT YOUR LOCAL OPTOMETRIST JUST $2.98 fees a (9340.00 you wear estat anes) DEAR PRINCIPAL LUMMOCK All teachers who bave problems are invited to rubmit them 40 Principal Lummock in care of this magazine. If you desire 4 personal reply, kindly encloce « self-addressed stamped envelope. (Note: Since most teachers can't afford « stamp Jor a self-addressed envelope, Principal Lummock is discon tinwing is offer for personal replies with this issue.) © Principal Lummock: Last Friday, T asigned members of my las to take home the living things in ou classroom and eare for them over the week- end. You know, the ual stuff: goldfish, plants, turtles, and things like that. Any- way, one of my bigger pupils took me home with him against my will. Frankly, 1 had a miserable time, but that's beside the point. Wasn't this x terrible thing to do? Wt ee woul Teacher! You eal thet “living? Dear Principal Lummock Whiletravelling through Leveliown, Long, Island, the other day, 1 noticed some bid cers erecting what looked to me like the ‘most uluamodem, farthes-out, wildest looking suburban school I had ever come across it my entte life. Am right? Is this a new suburban sehool they're putting up in Leveliown? New York City No. Fier the building you sew now suburban shoal 12 school, The scl you saw is going tobe o church De Principal Lummoek T have been told that many Principals these days are not so much interested in the welfare of their teachers and the ed ucation of their pupils as they aze con cerned with being high-powered publie re lations men and casting favorable images in their communities, How do. you feel bout thie RT Detwot, Mich Well, ve been shietateeving this subjet! with Janior High School shop, where | ran @ tight litle shipond ater spit-boling around the tow i ined, rently, the whl ing come Dear Principal Lummock: havea problem which has been bother: ing me for several months. 1 am Principal of the Elisha Cook, Junior Junior High School in Hollywood. Last month, T made a brilliant speech at the graduation ex cises. Among other things, Ls, "As yo pick yourself up by your bootstraps and PUL your nose 1 the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel, you muse step boldly, but carefully, onto the Frontiers of remembering 10 keep your head in the louds and your feet of the ground, ot view versa... "Anyway, for some strange reason, 85% of the graduation clase fell asleep during my speech, Can you tell ime why? cep. Los Angetes, Cait RAUL IDITLILLALLLILAE A. Dear Prineipal Lummock: Recently. I read a transcript of the brit liane speech given by the Principal of the Hlisha Cook, Junior Junioe High Schoo! in Hollywood, to the graduating June, How ean T get in toueh ‘want to nominate him for Pres at the Republican National Convention in San Franciso next y Sorry DDE, the Democrats bet you fo it and Dear Principal Lummock Tam a 67" First Grade 87 in Dover, Delaware. AS racher at BS. ‘he seal ei dren. itis almost impossible for an adult take a deink I wied to try bending over, but T wound up with a slipped di. Any way, a fom weeks ago, 1 began kneeling on the floor to take a drink. This worked out fine for a few days, until an FBL man stormed in one day and arrested me. Can you tell me why, ER Dover, Detmeet... ARNOLD GUMBER Every mi MODERN TEACHER sel mn i ek MODERN TEACHERS and shows an average day in his life. Teacher of the Month eee now that his respectable job 2s Bookie is just a front for his real vocation . a miserable teacher at PS. 40.™ THE INQUIRING ‘acl & TEACHER QUESTION: How do you fee! about teachers going on strike? ‘WHERE ASKED: At various schools and stike picket lines. ‘SHIRLEE BRONX I don't see why teachers have to resort to something as de- grading as strikes. Now take me, for example, Tim an aver- age, conseientious young ‘teacher who lives at 147 Moshe clu Parkway, a keen dancer, ‘swell company, and my tele- phone number is MQ-0-4299, All 1 want is to bring education and enlightenment to pupils for the rest of my life (unless I get a better offer, like getting married, say, next Tuesday). I think the $60 a week I get is more than enough and I can live on it very comfortably. Of ‘course, my father, who I live with, and who is also a teacher and has to support me and my mother—he's got problems! JAMES HOFFA ‘emia Sore testers shold go on tie Even hoeidgo on lke. Seig heal teins” pene oat et hovets tre they can et x tS ou and te Sate ste nrere Fite So fier ike teeta he Bie companies ike owe aif ants ke tke Boy Kenedy Teh mma roatt Why ahold caches? Sone eds the trugh diver: Some of my eat rack Sent ae teaches When Seyret arving aka Well they rote a HERMAN KLING me Seen T'm all for teachers going on strike, After all, they're hue man. They have'a right toa living, wage and decent work ing conditions. If, by going on strike, they bring out into the ‘open the terrible injustice that is being played on one of to- day's most important profes. sions, then I'm all for it. I'm all for anything that will open the Dublie eyes, that will open the public minds, and that will lose the publie schools ROBERT T. WAG 1 think it’s terrible when pub- Tie employees have to resort to strikes, Look at me, Um a pab- lic employee. You don’t seo me striking. Ido the best. ean on my $40,000 a year. And take my Governor friends, they're public employees, They don't strike. Just the other day, Governor Rockefeller swore to me he'd never strike for more money. And President Kennedy told me the same thing. He's & public employee. Recently, the teachers in my city wanted aise. Did they go on strike? Of course not. We settled the whole problem by talking, That's how you always settle prob- Jems—by talking. I sat down and T talked to them. T said, “You're not getting any more money, and that’s settled!” “ This Month's Colorful Report Card Terminology In Laein with the common practi salty "of apis 20 Olt parent i olere another ie of “He has an unquenchable thirst for sponta- neity in education, which has been best slaked by the give-and-take of classroom discussion, as opposed tothe sterileatmosphere of anon-scholastiemilieu.”” TRANSLATION: He hasn't done his homework in three weeks! “While his personal intellectual capacity is limitless, he rarely hesitates to absorb knowledge from others around him in order to enhance his image as a well-rounded pupil.” TRANSLATION: He cheats on exams! “He allows himself the healthy uxury of un- leashing his pent-up emotions, which, had he sup- pressed them, might turn him into a seething caul- dron of self-consuming neuroses.” TRANSLATION: He kicks, scratches, bites and spits! “He has an innate desire to examine at first- hand the vicissitudes of life, which has been best satisfied by personal pilgrimages into the very maw of civilization.” TRANSLATION: He cut classes 24 times this term! “He appears to prefer the cloistered atm phere of solitary study, rather than engage self in the communication of class discussio TRANSLATION: The other kids steer clear of him because he doesn't wash. m= “He is deeply concerned with the physical well-being of other students, seeing to it that they do not overindulge in calories or harm the caleium content of their teeth.” TRANSLATION: He steals cookies and candy from, his classmates. “His is a wandering, probing mind, which by its very nature, should not be accelerated onto new horizons too rapidiy, but should be allowed instead to return to areas once before explored for the pur- pose of gathering additional insight.” TRANSLATION: He's going to be left back this term.THE EVOLUTION OF THE U.S. TEACHER A look at how the American Teacher has developed (or to use a better word—deteriorated) over the past century 100 YEARS AGO Back in 1863, the American Teacher was an lunbending figure of authority. He was big and strong, with a large, sinister-looking mustache. His students hated and feared him, But they respected him. His teaching methods were strictly hit or miss. Either he'd hit the pupil — or he'd miss him when he cracked his large whip. But even when he missed, the wind burns that resulted were extremely painful, Life was rough for students in those days, and many of the used to run away . ... down South, in hopes of becoming slaves and living easier lives. 50 YEARS AGO In 1913, the American Teacher was still 2 tigid figure of authority, but he wasn't quite as big and strong as his predecessor, and not everybody feared him. For example, heavyweight champion Jack Johnson didn't fear him. (We can’t think of anyone else!) He was @ lot more liberal in his teaching methods. He abandoned the whip. Instead, his students were taught to the tune of a hickory stick. (We know it doesn't make ‘much sense when you say it, but when you sing it, it sounds great!) Life was stil rough for students, and many of them used to quit school to work in factories for 18 hours a day, which was more tolerable. 25 YEARS AGO In 1938, the Female Teacher came into her ‘own, She was anywhere from 25 to 65 years. of age (but she always looked over 100!) | She was a lot bigger and stronger than her predecessor, and a little bit uglier. But being students under her was a breeze. She rarely hit them with anything larger than fa ruler, and in six months time, students ever éven felt it any more. But she was still feared and respected, just as if she were a man. And that's because most of her pupils weren't absolutely sure she wasn't! ‘Today, the American Teacher is like a lost chicken wandering across a road, trying to get to the other side. In other words, he is a jokel No one hates him, no one fears him, and no one respects him. They merely tolerate him. Like a cold. He would never dream of belting a pupil with a whip or 2 hickory stick or a ruler. He has used his fists, though — but oniy in self defense. However, there are classrooms in the U.S. that are’ controlled by unbending figures of authority who are big and strong with Sinister-looking mustaches whom everybody hates and fears but respects. The trouble is, they're not Teachers . . . they're pupils!LSS a a ate sc) EM MAY ae “Hats off to industrious Principal Harvey Higale, of Birchwood Junior High, who is augmenting his income with a clever use of his imter-laisroom public address system. Harv personally con- ucts a swinging 9 A.M. to 3 P.M. dise jockey show of rock roll records and witty patter—even during exams. He's fully spon sored by local candy store, ice cream parlors, saloons, burlesque hhouses, and other business establishments with messages of im- portance for today's school-age youngsters ... Bad news for Ruth Bleaker, Third Grade Teacher at PS. 131. Her parents refused to give her permission to marry one of her popils. They feel that 3l-year-old Donny Thyson is a bit too old for ber, Better luck next time, Ruthie . . . Good news for the Henry Peskins inthe per- son of ‘brand new 7-pound bouncing baby hoy. Henry teaches ‘math at the Jack Holt Memorial High School in Beverly Hills. His wife is a former Kindergarten Teacher, who Used to. conduct the 2 AM. to Dawn session atthe slightly overcrowded P.S. 6, Bert wishes to P.S. 193's Irma Brechwold, who will celebrate hher 70th year as a teacher next month. 92-year old Irma, who tried to retire several times in the past hut was asked to stay om by school authorities because younger teachers refuse to work for $38 a week, will celebrate the day quietly. Only the im- mediate family will be present at = small party given in her hhonor, including her mother, P.S. 195 teacher Maude Brech- wold. Reba Breehwold, Iema’e grandmother, who sprained her ankle while teaching gym at P-S. 198 last week, will not be able Memo to the ridiculously spoiled students atthe suburban Arthur Fingerhut School: Free bus servies has now been extended to in- clude all pupils who live more than 10 feet from the school. Pre viously, only pupils who lived 20 feet or more from the school could ride. And now for some bad news, Kids: Since your whole school is on one level, the city has turned down your request 10 install escalators in the building ... The City Planning Commission of Finnque, Ilinols, has just given the green light for a new 4,500 hhousing nit development to be constructed within a three-biock radius of P.S. 238, Naturally, no new school will be built in the area, so PS. 238 will be a trifle more overcrowded, To make room for the added inflax of pupils all teachers will be asked to stay home ‘on school days. In the edue hetween the West and Russia, this column has abvays spoken out strongly for en ow yy advanced for their age. Which is why we were 20 exeited hy the card we just received fr er Herman Fiffnik, Herman tells us that every pupil hi Grade class speaks Avent French. However, upon ‘we found out there's a slight catch here. French is the only language they speak, Her ‘mam teaches in Bordeaux, France. (Cant you ever be serious, Herm?) ‘Our condolences to the family of heroic Irving Doren, who taught Science at the brand new Richerd M. Nixon Junior High School (which was involved in building graft and collapsed last week due to faulty construction). When he noticed that his room wae sinking below the basement, Doren allowed his students to abandon class, but he refused to leave his desk. It isn't very often that a teacher it courageous enough to go down with his classroom. We will never forget you, Irv... Worried because your students act like a bunch of dolis whenever a Superintendent or Principal drops in uncx- pected to sit in on one of your classes? Here are some excellent questions, submitted by Ninih Grade Teacher Harold Opp, which you can ask safely: "How much is two and two", “Spell eat!" "Who would like to demonstrate ‘breathing’ for today’s ‘Show and Tell, "Which of these famous men discovered the Hudson River (a) Henry Hudson (b) Seymour M. Dopplefinger (e) Paul Anka?” Contributor Opp promises to send along the answers in tm for next month's colume, eat of luck to Fifth Grade Teacher Vietor Emster, of P.S- 49, He's taking the “Big Step” with his childhood sweetheart, Miriam Troy. ‘The couple will live at the home of Miriam's ‘parents until Vietor decides what he wants to do for a living «= ‘We hear that thousands of leters are pouring into Washington every day, congratulating all the Congressmen who have been successfully fighting Federal jon. The only trouble in, they're all from Nikita Khrt Will some of Harry Carruthers friends at City College please do something about helping him to get rid of the terible inferiority complex he's recently developed? It just isn't dignified for a re- spectable College Professor te wear one of those idiot false-nose- and-eye-plases disguises whenever he goes into pay his rent. Even, though Harry did discover that the new landlord of the 57 story ‘partment building he lives in is Seymour Gribble, whom Harry flunked in Business Administration two years ago. Congrats to the Fire Departme: Sophie Zelk, who got stack in one of those tiny writing chairs she was foreed to sit on while visiting her son's Second Grade class during Open School Night in Oct. 1989 They finally freed Mrs Student Frank Pock, voted "Boldest Exam Cheater for '63 is shown here entering « room to take his Gnal exam is “Anatomy of the Horse". At the other end of the rope is the nerviest erib sheet Frank ever smuitled inte class.THE MOONLIGHTER’S PAGE What's What Among The “Part- The Fourth Annual Teachers Dance at The Potrezebie School last month was a huge success. Biggest joke of the ‘evening seas on the strangers who hap pened into the gym and thought that Meet Sylvia Kupp, “Moonlighter Of The Year’. Since January, Sylvia has been teaching her class Algebra all wrong, intentionally! With poor grades, the ‘students have naturally had to seek help from an outside tutor. So far this year, Sylvia's income has been $3422 at a Math Teacher, and $22,000 as an outside Math Tutor. e Job Set’’ Along Teacher's Row the affair was a Costume Ball. They did't know that all those present were actually teachers dressed in the uniforms of the parttime jobs they iwere headed for... after the Dance. Heres Evelyn Glick, Biology Teacher fat The Fink School, and Ajter-Hours WineMaker, catching up on some of the parttime work she didn't get a chance to finish the previous night. THE MOONLIGHTER’S CLASSIFIED ADS Help Wanted—Mi CARNIVAL BARKER-9 PA to 1 AM week ayer all day Sat. and Sun, Good opportunity for location or Speech Teacher. We supply Aiseuise so guur stadents won't recognize You. ‘oe an tr, Write Box 105 37 CAR WASHER Steady part-time work. Pre fer Professor, bat will sovept Junior High ‘School Principal Must be College Grad. Here Sour chance fo clean up. Box #4 MT. CATTLE SLAUGHTERER-Openine for ai- Gressiver husky young. Teacher. “Chicken plucking experienes helpfel but not neceaary. BAM 1AM, Tovedays and. Thursdays Bring own sledge hummer and knife, Box 1d Mr, PIZZA FLIPPER We looks for » qualifl ‘Teach, Weite tous sironga selling fetter anan alas why you the tan for this ‘ropa by inna fow days nana rea Bor st Mr SANDHOG—Work in « ice cool tunnel Ditchedigeine experience’ unnecessary. Free Hosp. Benefits, unfoss you get lke the bends. Must know how t0 amin underwater. Box 42 MT. Help Wanted—Female FRUIT PICKER—Hesithy, outdoor work for TFencher in the Rio Grande area, Excel. work: Ing conditions, feiendly atmosphere, except {oF cccasional hovile wotbucke attacks. 208 an four and. all you cat eat. Lemon harvest, is weeks Hox 120 IT ‘STUFFER — Prefer Teacher with SULA" degree, Selary commensurate with pil Tow-stuting ability, Exsollentopportantty Can eventually lead to mattress-stufing for the neh woman. Box SUM SANDHOG—Work iow nice cool 6 Typing experience unnecersnry. Pree Hospital Ronefta, uniess you get like the bends, We Know its crany advertising for 8 woman cand. he WOMAN — Mature, ineligent Teacher pre- ferred, Hard to describe type of job, but rest fesured you'll work like a horse, 40¢ an hou. Free Death Beneita and Hay Break, Box 36 rat who ean tell how dorperate you school ine broad are Situations Wanted—Male BRIGHT, personable, cheery, antitions, ag fressive, tiendly, religous, eager Prince Brofescor desires pastime job as shirt folde ‘Am experienced, and have own pins. Box S87 Mr, PHYSICS TEACHER, Rhodes Scholar, ea Frond of W. von Zirsun, rocks challenging poretine position ax bus-boy. Look, gi. in Uniform, Wal relocate Loew Sehool if neces- sary. Box 1. ‘Apartments To Share—Male TEACHER, convicted of one of the most Trocoating capers in Moonlighting History Bank Movberyewants to share comfortable fell with another convicted. Moonlighter in Shue" prisons Don't want. bind-keoper, elf proclaimed lawyer, or book weiter. This place Prlousy with thems. Box 97 MT“AN EARLY ae MORNING |, 4 BATHROOMARE YOU HAUNTED BY THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENTS? YULE CAPTURE THE “SPIRIT” BY GIVING (OR TREATING YOURSELF TO) MADS CHRISTMAS GRAB AS a NINE ISSUE SUBSCRIPTION TO MAD MAGAZINE q A || HARD-COVER ] DE LUXE ANTHOLOGY... THE LATEST MAD ANNUAL........00000ceee seer en ee eeeean 50. fits A FULL-COLOR feibour PORTRAIT OF paste-oii ALFRED E. NEUMAN........ 25 BONUS “MAD PAPERBACK COVERS” PLUS A for camouflage COUPLE OF purposes SURPRISES 10022 ...and send a cheery Christmas Gift announcement blaming: TA $13.40+ ae | VALUE GRAB BAG | FOR 850 Third Avenue SPPRESS** i $1 00 New York, N.Y. ciry_____STATE___z1Pcope___; pyI’m the guy who puts eight great tomatoes in that little bitty can Al day long — squashing, squooshing, slamming. splattering .. vecceh 3 me: lact wor g00 4 y with @ meat cleaver Mainly t wiggy can” like an a