The Spirit of The Public Journals

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Princeton University Library
32101 065087601
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Library of
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Princeton University.
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DONATED BY THE
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SPIRIT
**
OF THE
PUBLIC JOURNALS
8 FOR
1
6
0
5 1797 .
BEING
AN IMPARTIAL SELECTION
OF THE MOST EXQUISITE
ESSAYS AND JEUX D'ESPRITS,

PRINCIPALLY PROSE,
THAT APPEAR IN THE
NEWSPAPERS AND OTHER PUBLICATIONS.
WITH
EXPLANATORY NOTES AND ANECDOTES
OF
MANY OF THE PERSONS ALLUDED TO.
VOL. I.
THE THIRD EDITION.
To be continued Annually.
LONDON:
PRINTED FOR JAMES RIDGWAY, YORK STREET,
ST . JAMES'S SQUARE.
1802
·18
Printed by S. GOSNELL,
Little Queen Street, Holborn.
ADVERTISEMENT
OF THE
EDITOR.
107.98.00
HE idea of this compilation was fuggefted

THE
by the great value that has frequently been
fet upon collections of fcraps cut out of newf
papers- the title, by that of a French book *,
of a nature fomewhat fimilar.
In making the ſelection , recourfe has feldom

NYPL
been had to publications of earlier date than the

year 1793 ; a period when the collifion of po
litical parties, and the momentous incidents of
the war, and of the French revolution , began
to elicit ftronger flafhes of wit and fatire, from
the mind of genius, than had been produced
for a long time before. "
By far the greater part of the Effays and Jeux
d'Esprit thus refcued from oblivion, are of an
e 21
*L'Espritdes Journaux.
9
0
un19
A 2 anti
e
7
Jun
5
0
6-
459087
V.
!
iv ADVERTISEMENT .
antiminifterial tendency ; but this is not the con

fequence of any partiality. It was equally the
wiſh and intereft of the Editor to gratify all
parties ; and that he might do fo, he waded
through a great number of files of minifterial
papers, till he was wofully convinced of the
truth of Mr. Burke's obfervation , that " the
balance of intellect is entirely on the fide of the
Jacobins." The wit and humour of the adverfe
faction, as far at leaſt as he could judge from

the evidence of the Public Journals, may be
compared to " two grains of wheat hid in two
bushels of chaff ; you fhallfeek all day ereyou find

them , and when you have them, they are not worth
the fearch *."

The juft application of the foregoing words
will indeed be manifeft to the reader himſelf,
when he fees the inferiority of the few minifte
rial articles that have been introduced, one or
two excepted . They are, however , the beſt ,
as has already been intimated, that could be
obtained, after long and laborious reſearches .
The opportunity that better leifure may afford,
of extending thoſe reſearches in future years,
may probably diminish a difproportion , of
* Shakespeare.
which
ADVERTISEMENT.
which the friends to the prefent adminiftration

will doubtless complain, in ſpite of the beſt rea
fons that can be affigned.
Upon the whole, however, the Editor flat
ters himſelf, that he fhall be allowed the me
rit of having extracted from fources, to people

in general perfectly unattainable , and from an
enormous maſs of chaotic matter, a treat highly
gratifying to all who have any relish for wit
or humour. Many of the Effays contained in
this volume are, perhaps, little, if at all in
ferior to the beſt papers in the Spectator ; and
they have been drawn from publications, of
which the purchaſe would amount to a very con
fiderable fum.
Of the few Notes and Anecdotes interfperfed,

he will only fay, that he thought the former ne
ceffary, and believes the latter true.
Though it might be fufficient praiſe to have
affumed the office of the induftrious bee, by
collecting fweets from all quarters, the Editor

wishes it to be understood, that he had alfo
ſome ſhare in the original compofition . He is
the author of a number of the articles, which
he will not point out, but which, he confeffes,.
are not likely to be claffed with thofe of fupe
rior merit.
A 3 It
vi ADVERTISEMENT .
$ It is intended that a fimilar volume fhall ap
pear at the commencement of every year. As

there will be more time for its production, the
plan will receive every improvement of which
it is fufceptible ; the Notes and Anecdotes will
be more copious ; and the felection will be
made with ftill greater care.
THE EDITOR.
1
1
N. B. In afcribing the articles to the various publications

whence they have been taken, the Editor is aware, that fe
veral errors may have been made. In fome cafes he was
forced to depend upon memory. In others, he has pro-
bably miſtaken borrowed articles for originals.
R
YO
CONTENTS.
Page
EPIGRAMMATA Bacchanalia, confifting of one
hundred and one Epigrams I
1 Mr. Pitt's Death 18
Diffection of Mr. Pitt 26
Funeral of Mr. Pitt 28
Pitt's Ghoft 3.1
Scarcity of Ideas 34
The New Times 38
The Emperor's Return to Vienna 50
The Royal Dog, and his Minifter 54
Appropriate Texts 55
Scandal 56
The Young Larks ib.
French Impiety 60
Military Economy 62
The Traveller and his Guide 68
Pretty Amuſement for Crowned Heads 69
Jeu d'Esprit 71
To the Nettle 72
Seditious
Viii CONTENTS.
Page
Seditious Words 72
Medical Debating Society 74
Anecdote for the Dog-days 76
Letter to Lord Chatham 78
The Dromedary and Rhinoceros 80
Picture of London 82
Anecdote 85
Sporting Intelligence from the Sea - fide 85
An Apology 88.
On reading the Account of the Battle of St. Amand 89
Ode on Weſtminſter Abbey 91
A Sailor's Letter 92
A Dialogue 93
Chineſe Letter
94
A Vindication of the King of Great Britain 97
Couplets Bachiques et Guerriers 102.
Imitation of the foregoing ibr
Freedom ofSpeech · 103
Imitations of Horace w 107
The Embaffy to China. 112
Copy of a Letter from Baneelon · 114
My Poor Turkeys 116
Burgeffiana 118
The Lawyer's Farewell to his Mufe · 127
Pitt's Specific -
129
Leffon for Young Barrifters
134
An Interefting Anecdote 140
Baron-Munchaufen's Letter
141
A Picture of High Life
144
Tranflation of Horace
147
Queftions from a Man of Kent P 150
Portrait of a Woman
153
Subſtitutes
CONTENTS. ix
Subftitutes for Bread Page
·
154
Cofmogunia · 158
New Mode of Warfare
- 165
Ode by Sir William Jones 169
'Letter of John Bull 170
An Arabian Tale
174
Retroſpect of Politics 178
A Fragment 180
Abſence 186
Philofophie de l'Univers · 187
Specimen of a New Dictionary 197
Confequences of an Invaſion 199
The Expenfe of Economy 200
Alonzo the Brave and Fair Imogine 206
Articles relative to the Shakspeare Manufcripts 208
Example of Foul Language 213
Melancholy Effects of a General Election - 214
The Dreadful Alarm · 216
Song on the Occafion of Mr. Fox's Birth -day 221
Laft dying Speech and Confeffion of William Pitmore 222
A Daring Robbery 224
A Sorcerefs 226
Terroriſt Novel Writing - 227
Amazing Feat · 229
Etymology - 230
Bruce's Addrefs to his Troops 233
Supplement to the Tobago Gazette. ib.
A Parable addreſſed to Perfecutors 235
Exhibition Extraordinary 236
Ode-The Infurrection of the Slaves at St. Domingo 240
Some Account ofthe Albionites · 241
Crim , Con. 246
Hymn
X CONTENTS.
Page
Hymn to the Creator -249
Royal Interview of a Mayor 253
Trial of the Mutineers 254
Political Dictionary - 259
Orgies of Bacchus, Part I. 261
Ditto, Part II. · 266
Ditto, Part III. · 277
Verfes addreffed to the Rev. John Ireland · 284
A General Speech, adapted to all Occaſions 286
Extraordinary Phenomenon ❤ 288
Benefits ❤ 290
Verfes on the Death of Lieut. Col. Buller 292
Medical Report 294
New Logic 298
Cantata, by P. Pindar 299
A Ruined Nation 1 301
Creeds to Chooſe 302
Lines to a Lady 304
Muftapha's Adoration 305
Giles Jollup the Knave and Brown Sally Green 319
The Green Afs · 321
Song on the Anniversary of Mr. Fox's Birth-day 323
A Journal of Events 325
Bear-leading 327
Exifting Circumſtances 330
Lottery Prophets ib.
Letter from Dr. Franklin to Madame B** 333
Dialogue between a Freeholder and his Repreſentative 335
The Three Curfes 339
A New Syftem of Education ib.
A Faft-day Hymn 341
Agriculture 342
Song,
CONTENTS . xi
Page
Song, John Anderſon my Joe 345
Duties of Gentlemen Soldiers 346 ·
Shepherds of the Pyrenees 349
The Whiſtle, a true Story 359
Effects of the preſent War 360
An Election Song 361
New Tax 363
Sonnets inthe Manner of Cotemporary Writers 364
Grand Exhibition 365
Wonderful Exhibition 368
Ofric the Lion · 371
Exhibition Extraordinary 374
Cantos on the Repreſentation of Vortigern - 390
Starving State of France · 394
L'Allegro, a Parody · 396
Letter from a Lady in Threadneedle Street 400
The Anniverſary Dinner 402
Miſeries of Kingſhip ·
403
Song ofthe King's Horfes degraded 404
Real Anecdote of a Quaker 405
Political Eclogue · 406
The Gipfey's Song 413
Mock Wiſdom ib.
Pharmacopoeia Politica 415
Johnſoniana 416
The Goitre · 417
THE
THE
SPIRIT
OF THE
PUBLIC JOURNALS.
EPIGRAMMATA BACCHANALIA.
Being Epigrams on the Subject of Mers . PITT and DUNDAS

going DRUNK to the Houfe of Commons, on the Day when
bis Majefty's Meſſage was to be delivered relative to an im
mediate WAR with FRANCE.
EPIGRAM J.
THAT Ca Ira in England will prevail,
All fober men deny with heart and hand ,
To talk of going ' s fure a pretty tale,
When e'en our rulers can't do much as ftand.
11.
D. TO P.
SINCE now John Bull we've led into a dance,
And each man joins cross-partnerſhip with France,
Shall we prefume the joyful fcene to aid ?
For who like us thefe generous joys ſhould feel ?
You, gentle youth, fhall tip them a caſcade,
While I contribute by a Scottiſh recl.
VOL. I. III.
2
EPIGRAMMATA
BACCIANALIA
.
III.
THE fwinifh multitude fee Burke diſclaim,
And Pitt rejoin, " Thy fentiments are mine ."
Say, fhall the mob prefume his creed to blame ?
When e'en our rulers get as drunk as- wine.
1
IV.
IN what old ways we tafte misfortune's cup !
While France throws down the gauntlet, Pitt throws up.
V.
P. loquitur.st.STEPHEN'S.
" THE foul mifdeeds to ſtate" of humbled France,
Would ask the tongue of Roman or of Greek ;
But while this folemn truth I griev'd advance,
I'm fo o'ercome, Sir, that I cannot speak.
VI.
P. loquitur.
SINCE now but naval war there's nothing for 't—
God fend us all laid fnugly up-in Port.
D. refpondet.
I hate French principles, French tafte, French mirth,
Almoft as much as feftivals at Perth ;
But this indeed I'll fay, if fay I dare it,
God fink French land, and fill the chatm with claret.
VIII.
THE minltitude at beft are only fwine,
1
The mildest Judge will this admit, at leaft→
But does it therefore follow, cafuiſt fine,
A Stateſman may not be in drink-a beafi ?
" IX .
Solace to Senators who may happen to be overtaken in their Cups.

YOUR gentle brains with full libations drench
You've then Pitt's title to the Treaſury Bench.
x. Lo
EPIGRAMMATA BACCHANALIA. 3
X.
Loquuntur ambo.
IN Bedlam's prifon all the mad we throw,

Who near St. James's come, or Kew-gate :
'Tis ours the fafe inſanity to know,
To get as nobly drunk as New -gate.
XI.
Colloquy between ditto on the Stairs, from Bellamy's.
SAYS- Pitt to Dundas ,
" May I ne'er taſte a glaſs,
But I'll give that d- n'd Fox a good wiper."
Then to him , quoth Dundas,
" May I ne'er kifs a lafs,
If you are not as drunk as a piper."
XII.
THE French are wild, irregular, infane,
Yet ftill, fays Pitt, ftrict juftice we ' ll retain ;
Still fome regard to fair-play ſhould be had,
The drunk alone fhould combat with the mad.
XIII.
THE multitude are fwine, with truth we fay,
Though to their King and Church they meekly bow ;
Refolve me then, what animals are they,
Whole attributes are thofe of David's fow ?
XIV .
OF war's expenfe Pitt dreads the dire amounts,
And wife began with cafting up accounts.
XV.
YOUR foe in war to over-rate,
A maxim is of ancient date ;
Then fure 't was right, in time of trouble,
That our good rulers ſhould- fee double,
B 2 XVI
1.
EPIGRAMMATA BACCHANALIA,
XVI.
WHEN war's declar'd, Pitt holds his tongue,
For which, on him, his foes turn fhort round ;
This in their teeth he might have flung
That that, like other craft, was - PORT -bound.
XVII.
FIRM as a rock is England's land,
Ye French we fcorn, and mock ye ;
Not only on a rock we ftand,
Our rulers too are- rocky.
XVIII.
WHEN England's jovial rulers fight with France,
Hurtlefs on both ſhould fall, the blunted lance ;
Sure from that war no danger fhould be dreaded,
Where the light-heel'd contend with the light-headed.
XIX.
P. and D. loquuntur.
BRITANNIA's fons complain, and ſay
Thefe horrid wars will gripe ber ;
Remember, Sirs, though you may pay,
In drink, we beat the piper.
XX.
THE Spartan rulers drench'd their flaves in wine,
From beastly vice their people to refine :
Not fo the mo lifts of modern time,
The Anti-Spartans of Britannia's clime ;
They make the people free, and then they think
'Tis only fair to drench themselves in drink.
XXI .
" THE mob are beaſts !" exclaims the Knight of Daggers.
What creature's he, that ' s troubled with the faggers?
XXII.
OUR leaders are like Britiſh oak,
And fo away with daftard croaking !
A truer word was never spoke,
For they get stouter, Sirs, by-foaking.
XXIII.
EPIGRAMMATA BACCHANALIA. S
XXIII.
Encouragement to Englishmen 10 ftand to their Pofis in Battle.

BY flight, my friends, you ne'er will fave your bacon,
Since e'en our very guides are overtaken.
XXIV .
HAPPY the land, whofe guides and it
Are join'd in intereft's tether ;
We fure enjoy that benefit,
Who go to pot together.
XXV .
On thejudicious Rejection of the Nottingham Petition. ~

THE mob complain-our rulers drink and ftorm,
And cry, who doubts it ?-that they hate-reform.
XXVI.
WHAT equal cares the various minds o'erwhelm
Of thofe that fave, and thoſe that guide the realm !
In different ways they equal offerings yield,
And neither, fure, are done against the griftle ;
The foldier with his blood fhall wet the field ,
While loyal Minifters fhall-wet their whifile.
XXVII.
YOUR politician deems it wife
To put on this or that difguife,
Than Proteus changing quicker ;
And hence, perhaps, Dundas and Pitt
Suppose themfelves for bus'nefs fit,
E'en when disguis'd in liquor.
XXVIII.
IN vino veritas, they fay,
Yet lying is fo much the cuſtom
Of certain folk, the fafeft way
Is, drunk or fober, not to truft 'em.
B 3 XXIX.
XXIX .
WHEN Pitt announc'd the war which now
Affords us all fuch pleaſure,
Although as drunk as David's fow,
He fearce could fpeak, we muſt allow
The fpeech became the meaſure.
Xxx.
THE falt'ring tongue which, t'other day,
Prov'd Billy's dire difafter,
Was fo accuftom'd to betray,
That it betray'd its mafter.
XXXI.
" FILL a bumper," cries Pitt to his colleague Dundas,
" Since it all one a hundred years hence is ;
And a drunkard may fure for a Solomon paſs,
When a nation is out of its fenfes."
XXXII.
WHEN Billy found he fcarce could ſtand,
68
Help ! help !" he cried, and ſtretch'd his hand,
To faithful Harry calling ;
Quoth Hal, " My friend, I'm forry for ' t ;
*T is not my practice to fupport
A Minifter that's falling.".
XXXIII.
P. loquitur.
WHO real drinking rage inherits,
When out of wine will fly to fpirits ;
Now the direct reverſe was mine,
I, out offpirits, flew to wine.
XXXIV .
PITT, that his words and actions ſtill
May fuitably accord,
When feeking Democrates to kill,
Gets drunk as any Lord.:
XXXV .
XXXV.
IF the national bark in this war fhould be funk,
It will be a fair antwer- the pilot was drunk.
XXXVI.
SAYS Harry to Billy,
" I look very filly,
And think of my budgets with forrow ;
From the Company's trade
I promis'd you aid,
But, alas ! for to lend, they muſt borrow !"
Says Pitt to Dundas,
"I too look like an aſs, L
I
And folks at my furplufes laugh ; B
R
The wondrous fupplies, A
R
Which I fwore would fuffice Y
For the war, will not do by one half.” w
? Says Harry to Pitt, y
s
" The caufe I have hit
That has brought us both into this trouble:
When we ftated th' amounts
Of our diff'rent accounts,
By G-d we were drunk, andfaw double."
XXXVII.
D. " How bravely our tried friends all ftand their
酱
ground !"
" Do they ?" fays Pitt ; " I think they all turn round.”
XXXVIII.
Acceffit fervor capiti numeruſque lucernis.
P. " I can't difcern the Speaker, Hal ; can you ?"
D. " Not fee the Speaker ! damn me, I fee two.”
XXXIX.
The Apology by Minifters.
THE French are mad-then we've a juſt excuſe
To drown our fenfes in the madd'ning juice ;
By this we put the nations on a par,
For none but Drunkards make with Madmen war.
B 4 ! XL.
XL.
P. loquitur.
I HAVE no fpirits for this curs'd affair,
I can't encounter Charles's critic ftare.
D. refpondet.
Pooh ! ample reaſons war itſelf affords,
Contracts for Commoners, and jobs for Lords ;
Let wine then chafe the lily from your cheek,
And fay yourfpirits are too full tospeak.
XLI.
WHAT hope in a war with thefe French can be put,
When our leaders e'en now are fo dreadfully cut ?
XLII.
WHILE coiner baſe
From George's face
Each rough-edg'd beauty ftrips ;
Pitt, who'd ne'er harm
One Royal charm ,
His English only clips.
XLIII .
HAL drinks claret- Pitt ſticks to folid Port,
And both potations take nor flow nor fhort ;
But fure this difference can't be deem'd a fin,
When both are bent to daſh-through thick and thin.
XLIV.
FOR mothers and for wives we moan,
By tender partings fcar'd :
Why Pitt and Hal were fairly gone,"
When war was firft declar'd.
XLV.
Comfort to Mr. Pitt, on his being abused by the Faction for
getting drunk.
THE party foam in angry tone,
'Caule Pitt, forfooth, was dumb ;
Much by a man is under-gone,
Where he is- over-come.
XLVI.
EPIGRAMMATA BACCHANALIA, 9
XLVI.
Dundas loquitur.
SINCE ten is now the full amount
To which we've brought the faction down,
We have no noſes now to count,
Let us wellfuddle then our own.
XLVII.
Mr. Dundas's Apology on miftaking the Patch on Mr. Sergeant
Watſon's Wigfor a devil'd Bifcuit, thereby pulling it off.
I BEG your pardon, Sir ; indeed I fear
I've got for once the wrong ſow by the ear.
XLVIII.
Defence of Meffrs. Pitt and Dundas, by Lord Mountmorres.
ALL the perverfions wit can put,
'I value not a feather,
Since they but fat down, footto foot,
To lay their heads together.
XLIX .
" IF you touch pot, we touch penny,"
Is a good faying, fure, as any ;
But then a man's a little loath
To fee our Ministers touch--both.
L.
D. loquitur coming into the House.
SAYS Hal, " I declare I'm a fon of a whore,
If this body of mine can perceive where it goes ;
Never mind, my friend Billy, as you go before,
I have nothing to do but to follow my nose"
LI.
TO Pitt fays a Being * that looks over Lincoln,
" I'll give you a hint, my good patron, to think on ;
We cannot here clearly make out whether the author means to

allude to the devil, or the worthy Biſhop of the Diocefe-the latter,
indeed, Dr. Prettyman, is more particularly known as his friend.
B5 No
10 EPIGRAMMATA BACCHANALIÀ.
No Perfian of old, till he fuddled his nofe,

Any meaſure in fenate was wont to propofe."
Pitt lays up this hiftory foug in his noddle,
And makes it, next meeting, his practical model.
LII.
SAYS Pitt, as on the bench he funk,
With Harry reeling a'ter,
" 'T could not be wine, Hal, that we drunk,
For I am weak as- water .›λ
LIII.
AT greatfurpluffes, who like Pitt fo knowing ?
He furely knows the art of over-flowing.
LIV .
PITT and Dundas the coals of war have blown,
Th' infidious fons of faction dare to tell us ;
But ev'ry way to good inclin'd they ' re fhewn-
They fairly kick'd- Old Rofe, and burnt the bellows.
LV.
On the new Echo that was discovered in the Gallery of the
Houfe ofCommons, the Day his Majefty's Meffage was de
livered.
Pitt loquitur.
" FOR England's glory, Sir, I firm will ſtick up-"
To which the ftranger Echo anfwer'd-ic-cup.
LVI..
THERE are drops of all forts-fome bad and fome good ;
A drop for your crimes, and a drop of your blood :
" Now, damn me, " fays Hal, " and I'm ſure I don't lie,
If I like any drop- but a drop in my eye.”
LVII.
WINE gives the flave his liberty, they fay;
Thence we may boaſt two freemen in the realm :
If this be doubted, look about I pray
You'll find them reeling fomewhere near the helm.
LVIII.
EPIGRAMMATA BACCHANALIA 11
LVIII.
WHEN Billy twinkling could not fee
Either to th' left or on right ;
'T was the firſt time, we all agree,
When he stood in his own light.
LIX .
WHEN Pitt in caſcade
Calls to Henry for aid,
For Harry was fomewhat the ftouter ;
" Now, damn me," quoth Hal,
" If I wonder at all
You were always, my lad, a good—ſpouter.”
LX.
P. loquitur:
FOR fupineness I'd borne the reproach of thetown;
So I took off a bumper to quicken my zeal;
Since the firſt-rate authorities all lay it down,
That a spur in the head is worth two in the heel.
EXI.
On the Proclamationfor a Faft to take place-a Month bences]
GOOD cheer they found would never do
In peace to keep us laſting ; »-¶
So now they'll try at diftance though, ·Y NI
What may be done by-fafting.
EXII.
NEXT month, fome time, we 're all to faft and pray,
A job well-fuited to an April day. Y
This text to preach from, Prettyman, be thine,
" The devils were driv'n into a herd of wine."
LXIII.
THE devils were driv'n into the fea like fwine :
Poordevils ! they could n't, like Pitt and Hal, get fous'd in
wine.
B6 LXIV.
12: EPIGRAMMATA BACCHANALIA.
LXIV.
PITT to the Houfe a bill brings down,
And gives it what fupport he's able ;
For while through form it lies upon,
He lies himſelf beneath the table.
LXV.
" WHO's up ?" inquir'd Burke of a friend, at the door
" Oh, no one, " fays Paddy, " though Pitt's on the floor."
. LXVI.
" FROM the fair borders of the Rhine,
Now by the blood of Frenchmen fed,
Came," fays Report, " the generous wine
That fent our rulers drunk to bed.
When to the Houſe they reeling came,
Of whom could it efcape the notice ?
Though war for conqueft they diſclaim,
Moſt plainly Hoc erat in votis.”
* 1
LXVII.
P.-" Europe's true balance must not be o'erthrown. "
D. " Damn Europe's balance-try to keep your own.”
LXVIII.
P. " We fairly are infor 't-our places are loft."
D. " You ne'er were fo fix'd, for you're drunk as a poſt.”
LXIX.
AWAR of principles-a war of blood
On fome ftale argument of public good.
" No, none of thefe," fays Pitt, 66 are mine ;
My war's original- a war ofwine. "
LXX .
FRIEND Horace, I doubt,
You were curfedly out,
14
With your Quem non fecere difertum?
When the wine is got in
To the Miniſters' ſkin,
Their talents for ſpeaking defert ' em.
LXXI.
EPIGRAMMATA BACCHANALIA . 13
LXXI.
TO urge us to battle and ſlaughter,
What oppofite caufes combine !
Mynheer is embolden'd by water,
And Billy deluded by wine.
LXXII.
" I'm fick," quoth Pitt ; " Oh, Lord ! what fhall I do ? "
" Take comfort, man ; this war if you purfue,
" I'm damn'd if we fha' n't all be fick as you."
LXXIII.
Onfending to Holland between one and two thouſand Men as our
full Subfidy of 12,000 Troops : faid Troops going drunk.
OUR treaty 's fulfill'd - how the Dutch we ſhall cozen !
Each man on the march takes the room of a dozen .
LXXIV.
Onfending our Troops to fight in the Ditches ofHolland.
THE fecret's out, and here's the fimple matter
A war begun in wine, will end in water.
LXXV .
A VICAR and Clerk once, to keep out the weather,
When they went to a burial, got muzzy together :
Our Miniſters thus, after foaking their brains,
Make a fun'ral oration- o'er Freedom's remains.
LXXVI.
IF crooked be our Britiſh ways of late,
Why wonder Premier Billy can't walkſtraight &
LXXVII .
Another Anfwer by Echo.
D. loquitur.
COLOSSUS-like o'er Gallia's land we ' ll ftraddle
The tripping Echo partly anfwer'd- addle.
LXXVIII.
14 EPIGRAMMATA BACCHANALIA .
LXXVIII.
On the Bills refpecting Cyder and Perry being paffed in the
Houfe ofCommons, immediately after Mr. PITT's ineffectual
Attempt tospeak.
WHEN Pitt, as a fifh, in the Commons was dumb,
'T was furely the moment to legalize- mum.
LXXIX.
Pitt loquitur-penitential and crop-fick, fettling bis Budget.
" AFTER Chriftinas comes a Lent,"
• (He pious faid, in fickly tone ; )
" With equal truth I do lament,
That after Lent there comes a-loan."
LXXX .
Parody Eulogy on Mr. Pitt.
SYDNEY's coufin, Chatham's brother,
Britain, ere thou fhew another,
Virtuous, chafte, and drunk as he,
Ocean himſelf fhall fwallow thee !
LXXXI.
WHEN this frail life to man was given,
Charg'd with misfortune's bitter load,
Women and wine were fent from heaven
To help him o'er the rugged road :
But fure our Billy well may grumble,
Fate views him with unequal eyes,
For Bacchus always makes him tumble,
And Venus never makes him rife.
LXXXII.
On the Appearance in the Gazette of a Proclamation for
General Faft, on account of our Sins and Wickedness,
few Days after Meffrs. Pitt and Dundas came drunk to the
Houfe of Commons.
ONE Royal proclamation paſs'd
Becaufe the fwinifh berd got thinking ;
Another tells them they must faft,
Becauſe the wincherds took to drinking.
LXXXIIL
EPIGRAMMATA BACCHANALIA. - 15
LXXXIII.
OUR day is come ! our die is caft !
Ah ! weep for Britain's hopeleſs lot,
While we, poor fwine ! are left to fast,
Our drivers all are gone to pot.
LXXXIV .
Addreffed to the People of England by Mers . PITT and
DUNDAS.
IF noble blood ' mong ſwine may lurk,
As mafters you muſt needs endure us ;
You're but the hogs of Edmund Burke,
But we, the hogs of Epicurus .
LXXXV .
Mers. Pitt and Dundas to the Bench of Biſhops.
MY Right Rev'rends, you'll faft, if you pleaſe,
But by G- we will drink while we ' re able ;
Your devotion looks well on your knees,
And ours while we're under the table.
LXXXVI .
« A TIM for all things," the baſe turncoats ſay ;
E
66 Exifting circumftances" guide the way.
Thus tyrants war, to pleaſe degenerate Whigs ,
And Miniſters get drunk-to please the pigs.
LXXXVII .
E'E by thei own fuccefs 't is fam'd
N r
The mighty oft' are lower'd ;
Thus Minifters on power declaim'd ,
Till fairly over-power'd.
LXXXVIII.
WINDHAM, with metaphyfic art,
Defcribes the politician's part,
And aids him most who merits leaft.
Indulgent Windham ! on this plan
You furely muft fupport the man
Who makes himſelf a beaft,
LXXXIX.
16 EPIGRAMMATA BACCHANALIA.
LXXXIX.
THOUGH drunk as fill our rulers be,
The thing fure little matters 3
Only it forces you and me
Tofish in troubled waters.
1
XC.
PARODY.
JOLLY Statesmen, fill your glaffes,
Noble deeds are done by wine
Edmund's creed is now Dundas's
That the mob are only ſwine.
Pitt and Harry, loving drinking,
Toast about at Council-board :
They can iteer the realm with thinking,
When they cannot jpeak a word.
XCI .
IN happy time the fquad went o'er,
And feas'nably their love was fhewn
Our leaders in their arms they bore,
Juft-when they could not stand alone.
XCII.
FIFTEEN or ten
Seditious men
Gave Pitt prodigious trouble :
And yet they cry,
He looks awry,
To fee their numbers double.
XCIII .
On Pitt's relieving the diftreffed Inn-keepers, by building Bar

racks.
'TWEEN thoſe that buy and thoſe that fell,
Pitt knows the fympathy full well ;
The owners then of pot and tank-ard,
Sure they should favour who have drank bard.
XCIV.
XCIV.
THOUGH Europe fhakes beneath tremendous war,
Yet well-drench'd Harry fhall their fears difimifs ;
He comes like either Pleiad's humid ſtar,
To quench the conflagration in a peace.
We must appeal here to the well-known Doric fimplicity of Mr. Dun
das's pronunciation, to fet right any ſuppoſed errors in the rhime.
XCV .
THAT George is high in power is juſtly ſtated,
His very fervants too are- elevated.
XCVI .
O FRANCE ! that thy blind leaders could difcover
The arts to which our pilots have reſort ;
Who guide the helm of Britain half-ſeas over,
Yet double-fighted keep an eye on Port.
XCVII.
WHEN Fortune they invok'd, the Greeks
Of wine oft made libations ;
While our more frugal Premier feeks
To win her by potations.
XCVIII.
THAT Pitt does ill, to fay were wrong ;
What, Pitt ! the great law-giver !
Befide, ' t were frange- a bon vivant
Should be, Sirs, a bad liver.
XCIX .
SAYS Harry to Pitt, " Now that faction ' s no more,
WeWe may fafely indulge ourſelves deep in our cup ;
And though it be true that you ne'er kept before,
Yet this is the time when we may keep it up."
C.
" DRUNKARDS are fools," the wife will fay ;
I don't deny their rules ;
In war to drink then ' s fute the way,
Since " Fortune favours fools ."
CI.
:
18 MR. PITT'S DEATH .

CI.
From the Appendix to the fecond Edition of Bishop Horley's
30th ofJanuary Sermon.
Ρητωρ * , ως ΜΕΘΥΟΙ ΤΟΙΣ ΠΡΑΓΜΑΣΙΝ , πες Φίλιππος
᾿Αλλ' ημιν μεθύει προς πραγμασι νυν ο προβουλος
MR. PITT'S DEATH.

[From the Telegraph.]
V ARIOUS reports having been circulated concern

ing the manner and circumftances of Mr. Pitt's
death, we haften to lay before our readers the parti
culars of that melancholy event. This we are ena
bled to do with perfect accuracy, having been favoured
with a very minute detail by the learned phyfician who
attended him in his laft moments .
The diforder of which this great Minifter died, was
a violent diarrhea, which continued, with very little
interruption, from Saturday morning to laft night,
about a quarter before eight, at which time he ex
pired . For two days, the fymptoms were the fame as
in ordinary cafes ; but it is remarkable, that, from the
firft, he had a great dread that the difeafe would be
mortal. He was inclined to attribute the whole to a
few bottles of claret, which he drank the preceding
evening at Mr. Dundas's, and which he imagined was
a little four. But Mr. Dundas affirms it was of the
very fineſt quality, of which he can produce the best
proofs, having ftill two hundred dozens of it in the
cellar, befides eleven pipes, which Mr. Rofe let him
have at prime coft, out of the cargo he bought up
the day before the additional duty took place t. And
Demofthenes.
It was ftrongly affirmed at the time, and it remained undenied,.
that immediately before the laft impoft upon wine, Mr. R- purchafed
a large quantity for his own ufe, if not for that of his Majefty's Mi
nisters.
1 of
MR. PITT'S DEATH . 19
of this quantity, Mr. Dundas has no objection to bind

himfelf to drink eight bottles every day, as long as it
lafts, for the complete fatisfaction of the friends of the
deceafed. This worthy gentleman, with his uſual
franknefs, confeffes that claret is apt to difagree with
ftomachs accuftomed, as Mr. Pitt's was, to the
ftronger wines : but from the quantity of brandy
which he drank with it on that fatal day, he thinks its
bad effects must have been entirely counteracted .
Mr. Powys, who has picked up much knowledge,
by reading occafionally in Guthrie's Geographical
Grammar, and Arthur Young's Warning, remarks,
that claret is a French wine, and confequently muft
partake, by innate fympathy, of the horrid qualities of
that wicked country. " Now," continues Mr. Powys,
" it is natural to conclude, that wine of fuch damn
able principles, entering into the patriotic ftomach of
the Minifter, muft neceffarily be rejected and expelled
in the violent way we have all witneffed ." This in
genious idea he confirms by an accident which befell
himſelf, about two years ago, at Lilford ; when, after
incautiously drinking a glafs of claret in the morning,
with a bit of Queen's cake ( of which he is very fond) ,
there immediately arofe within him fuch a prodigious
civil war, as he terms it, that he was forced to take
meaſures with his apothecary for bringing both ingre
dients up. Since that period, he avoids all wines but
thofe of Portugal, a country whofe regular government
and order are preferved, both in Church and State.
Unluckily for the nation , the heaven - born Miniſter
bought his experience at a dearer rate than Mr. Powyś .
Alas ! it was no petty inteftine commotion with him,
no trifling Quiberon difturbance, as one may fay--but
a furious fweeping deluge, as if the roaring torrent of
French republicanifm had vifited him in all its wrath .
The help of man was in vain. The fons of Æfcula
pius hung down the head. George Rofe, who officiated
as
as ufual about the perfon of his patron, was amazed. A

Council was fummoned ; and the Statefmen of Eng
land were employed, for the first time fince the Re
gency Bill, in fpeculating on the progrefs of the dif
eafe.
The placid Under-Secretary produced the abundant
proofs ofthe diforder, which he had collected and pre
ferved for that purpofe. The Counfellors, on infpec
tion, gave a general groan ; and the Minifter lifted up
his hagard eyes, which feemed to aſk if no help could
be found ? " Yes, " fays the intrepid Windham , " I
know how this diforder is to be cured. The body
natural is as the body politic . Now the body politic,
when afflicted with revolutionary motions, can be
cured, as we are all agreed, only by farvation. At
this moment we are applying that remedy to the looſe
principles of the French and English ; and fhall we
not alfo find it efficacious, when applied to remove the
lax ftate of the body natural ? If nothing goeth in, "
continued the Secretary at War, " it is manifeft that
nothing can come out . Extreme cafes require vigor
ous applications. I fay, therefore, ftarve him. Perish
the ftomach ; let the conftitution live !"
Mr. Dundas perfectly agreed with the worthy Secre
tary on the wholeſomeneſs ofstarvation ; but, with be
coming modefty, hinted a doubt how far it might be
poffible to preferve a man's conftitution, after his fto
mach was deftroyed . He would have no objection, he
faid, to try the experiment on any number of acquitted
felons that Mr. Windham pleaſed, or even on a few of
his own pies , but he confidered it dangerous to
tamper with fo valuable a life as that of the Chancellor -
ofthe Exchequer. " Let us rather, " faid Mr. Dun
This is an allufion to Watt, a Government fpy, hung at Fdin

burgh, a fhort time before this article was written-the only mair
who has fuffered death for treafon in Great Britain, from the beginning
of the war to the preſent day.
das,
das, replenish his ftomach with abundance of food,

and take an obvious method to prevent its efcape ."
This idea was eagerly applauded by all prefent ; and
it is impoffible to fay what good effects it might have
produced, had it been adopted. But as it involved an
operation in furgery, not admitted into regular practice,
the medical gentlemen prefent refufed to act ; and
their plea was allowed to be perfectly good by Sir John
Mitford, who declared, that in no cafe whatever ought
a profeffional man to advance a fingle ſtep without a
precedent ; and, leaft of all , in fo delicate and
momentous an affair, as the ſtopping up of a Prime
Miniſter.
An end was thus put to all further proceedings, and
the Council broke up , leaving the poor Minister in the
moft deplorable ftate of mind
It was now towards the middle of the third day of
his illneſs, when he began to entertain very ſerious
thoughts of dying, which agitated him extremely. ---
" Ah , George ! " faid he, feizing Mr. Rofe's hand,
" I fear I have been a fad dog, and have much to an
fwer for." The Under- Secretary fhook his head, but
faid nothing.
" I with, George, " continued the Premier, " I
could recollect fome of the good actions I have done ;
it would be fome relief to me at the preſent moment to
think of them. My memory, alas ! fails me : but
can't thou not affift me to recall fome of my good
deeds, my dear friend ?"
As he faid this, he looked up very tenderly in Mr.
Rofe's face ; who, with correfponding looks of fym
pathy, flowly paffed the back of his hand over his eyes,
to wipe away the precious drops of pity that were
overflowing them.-" Ah ! my dear mafter," faid
this faithful fquire, " your good works are without
number. Do they not extend over all the Continent ?
Is not the red book a durable and ample memorial of
your
your good works and your charity ? But why do I go

fo far for examples ? I have only to point to myſelf.
Did you not find me a purfer, and have you not made
me a Minifter of State * You found me dealing out
my flops, with my ink-horn at my button--and, lo !
by your favours, have I acquired gold and filver, lands
and forefis, with power over many cities ."
" Oh ! do not torture me," exclaimed the Mini
fter, with the recital of my crimes . Tell me - oh!
if poffible, tell me if I ever raifed one worthy man .
into power, or ever employed one individual in the
fervice of the State from pure motives. I employed
you, indeed, and others, whom I tremble to think of;
and grievously I fear muft I answer for it. Laft night,
methought, I faw the angry fhade of my father, which
·
frowned on me as it paffed, but deigned not to fpeak.
It feemed to reproach me with my degeneracy, with
the hafenefs of my affociates, and the perfidious dupli
city of my conduct . I am feized with horror, when I
""
view the injuries I have done mankind . I am
He was proceeding, in a very folemn tone of voice ,
when the Under- Secretary clapped his hand on his
mouth, and entreated him, for the love of God, to hold
his tongue, as there were people in the room. Then
turning round to the phyfician, he whispered him not
to mention a word he had heard, as the Minifter was
evidently out of his fenfes. This learned perfon, how
ever, very properly confidered that Mr. Pitt's laft fpeech
was as neceffary to be given to the public as that of
Averfbaw , or any other great man, who raifes him
felf, by his abilities, over the reft of his fpecies . And
It is fuppofed by many, that the wonderful rife of this quondam

nip-cheefe has made him very proud of his own abilities. This is not
the cafe. One day, when Mr. R. was inviting a gentleman of great
and acknowledged talents to dine at his houfe, he told him that he
would aſk another fenfible man to meet him.
A highwayman, who was hanged for murder.
Our
MR . PITT'S DEATH . 23
our readers, we truft, will rejoice that he judged in

that manner .
We omit that part of the learned phyfician's report
which relates to the medicines he prefcribed for his
illuftrious patient. It may be proper, however, to
mention, that a large bolus of opium was found to have
confiderable effect in quieting the violence of his emo
tions, by inducing a kind of ftupor. While this lafted ,
it is incredible what odd conceits he took up, miftaking
the names and qualities of perfons and things . He in
fifted that a veffel which food under the bed was the
river Scheldt, and he eagerly defired that Mr. Burke
might be called to drink up the contents, to prevent
the French, as he faid, from giving them away.
A little fcabby cat having got into the room, he
charged Mr. Rofe to take particular care of it ; fwear
ing it was worth fifty thousand men, and fifty millions
of money and that if the Catholic King perfified in
his attempts to fteal it, he would raife an army, and
deſtroy all the cats and dogs in Spain * !
" And that hero fhall be my General ! " he exclaim
ed, pointing to Mr. Jenkinfon ; who immediately pro
tested he was no General, but a Senator. " I cry you
mercy," faid the Premier ; " I took you for Alexander
the Great."
Mr. Canning, grieved to fee his friend making fuch
mittakes, alked him if he knew who he was ? " O
yes," replied the Minifter, " perfectly well ; you are
the tame magpye that flew out of Sheridan's parlour into
Lord Hawkesbury's pantry t ." Upon this, poor Mr.
Canning fell a- crying, and could not be comforted , till.
the houfekeeper brought him a flice of bread and but
ter, fprinkled with fugar !
An allufion to the armament against Spain, on account ofour

trade in fks at Nootka.
This young gentleman, before he enlifted under the banners of
the Minifter, is faid to have received a great deal of political inſtruction
from Mr. Sheridan.
1 My
24 MR . PITT'S DEATH .
My Lord Hawkeſbury, hearing his name mentioned,

ftept up ; but the moment Mr. Pitt faw him, he cover
ed his head with a blanket, roaring out that the devil
bimfelf was at length come to fetch him. And fo
great was his terror, that the virtuous Nobleman was
obliged to leave the room .
The violent agitation into which the Minifter was
thrown, brought on a furious fit of his diforder, ac
companied with what our friend the phyſician calls a
colliquative fweat, which weakened him fo much , that
it was thought neceffary to difmifs all the vifitors, and
fend for a clergyman . Fortunately, Dr. Prettyman ,
his old preceptor, entered the room at the very no
ment he was wanted. This venerable Prelate had
taken care to inftil into the mind of his pupil, in early
youth, thofe upright principles for which he has been
remarkable in his maturer age. He had eſpecially in
ſtructed him never to utter a falfehood- unlefs his in
tereft evidently required it. And the grateful pupil had
defervedly rewarded him with the mitre of Lincoln .
The good man faw at once that no time was to be loft,
the Miniſter's nofe being now exceedingly pointed , and
of a dark blue colour at the tip. He therefore fat him
down on the bedfide, and kindly taking hold of the
Minifter's hand, afked him how he felt himself ; to
which he replied, that he feared all was over with him .
The Bishop then aſked him if he was afraid to die.
The Minifter made no anfwer, but only fhook his head,
and wept. The Divine was exceedingly moved to ob
ferve fuch fymptoms of apprehenfion, and began to
inquire if any thing troubled his confcience. The
poor Premier fobbed moft piteouſly, and remained
feveral minutes almoft choaked with fomething that
appeared too big for utterance. At length, he fighed
out, with dreadful figns of horror and agony, " The
war, the war !"
The Bishop hereupon began to adminifter confola
tion ;
tion ; reminding the Premier, that the war (as he him
felf had often proved) was a war for religion, and was
therefore the moft meritorious of all things. " No,
no," ſaid the Minifter, with a deep groan ; fuch pre
tences will not avail me now. Religion cannot be
ferved by war.' "9
The aftoniſhed Divine afked him
haftily, if he was not a Chriftian then, or what reli
gion he was of? To which the Premier replied, that be
3: did not recollect. The furpriſe of the pious Churchman
may be easily conceived . However, he thought it uſe
lefs to enter into any difpute, and therefore propofed to
read fome prayers. For this purpofe, he drew out his
book ; but in turning it over, he found that, instead of
the Book of Common Prayer, he had , in his haſte,
brought away Swift's Efay on Political Lying; and
there being no prayer-book in Downing Street, the
fervice was of courfe given up. It was fuggefted to the
Bishop to pronounce a prayer from memory ; and he
inftantly afked Mr. Pitt if he would join in the Lord's.
Prayer. But the Premier, miftaking his meaning,
warmly aufwered , that he hoped neither Lords nor
Commons would join in any prayer or remonftrance with
out his confent. The right reverend Divine, never
thelefs, began the prayer ; but, by reafon of imperfect
recollection, from want of practice, he blended it with
parts of the Creed, and fcraps of the thirty- nine Articles,
in fuch a manner, that the dying Premier afked, with
emotion, if it was kind thus to torment him in his laſt.
moments with difcourfes as unintelligible as his own
acts of Parliament ?
The worthy Prelate, however, preferved his temper ;
and, in the fpirit of meekness, afked him if he forgave
his enemies? to which the Premier replied, that he
was fure no man had fo many to forgive. He faid, he
thought it almoft impoffible to bring his mind to fo
extenfive an act ; never having forgiven an injury in
the courfe of his life. He was pofitive he could not for
VOL. I. C give
26 DISSECTION OF , MR. PITT .
give Sheridan and others, who had attacked him with

their wit ; and that he ought not to forgive thofe who
had adviſed him to plunge the nation into a war, in
which its glory and wealth muſt be funk for ever.
He fpoke thefe words with remarkable emphafis.
And they were the laft he ever uttered, except fome
thing which could not be understood about one Watt,
He then gave a fhriek, and died with his nails fixed in
the bed-clothes.
[Thus far we had written from the dictation of the
learned Phyſician , when , lo ! we awoke, and found it
was but a dream. ]
DISSECTION OF MR. PITT .

[From the Telegraph .]
WE have already given our readers fome account of

this great man's death, together with the con
jectures that were formed refpecting the cauſe of it.
We have now to add fome extracts from the report of
the Surgeon who opened his body. The entire re
port would occupy too much room, and would be tedi
ous to many ofour readers .
After making fome remarks on the outward appear
ance of the body, which was entirely covered with
fpots, the furgeon proceeds to give a minute defcription
of the internal parts, beginning with the cavity of the
head.
On fawing through the cranium, the first thing that
ftruck an obferver, was a remarkable accumulation of
the brain on the left fide of the fkull, while the cavity
on the right fide was almoft empty. The whole organ
feemed to have an involuntary tendency to prefs in that
direction ; infomuch that, when it was put in its pro
per fituation, it acted with the force of a fpring, and re
covered its former place immediately after the hand was
taken
DISSECTION OF MR . PITT. 27
taken away. So remarkable a deviation the reporter

had never feen, except in one fubject diffected a great
many years ago at Surgeons' Hall. It was a fellow
who was hanged at Tyburn, and had fo conftant and
uniform a bias towards every thing that was wrong, as
nothing but an unlucky formation of the brain could
account for.
The tongue was cut out at the request of the Lord
Chancellor, who wished to preferve it in fpirits . It is
uncommonly ſmooth and foft at the point, but full
of purulent pimples towards the root . But what dif
tinguishes it moft from other tongues is, that it is quite
hollow ; and, in ſhort, the moſt deceiving tongue, in
all refpects, that ever came under the operator's knife.
Round the neck there was a fort of depreffed mark,
or groove, as if it had been occafioned by a rope. The
furgeon had feen the like before ; but never knew an
ffance till now of a perfon fo marked efcaping a
halter.
On opening the thorax, the lungs were found to
tally found ; but the appearance of the heart was fo re
markable, as to deferve a particular defcription . The
pericardium, or membrane in which the heart is en
clofed , was much diftended ; but what is moft fingular
is, that the liquid which it contained was frozen into
a folid lump. No application of heat could diffolve it ;
but by pouring a large quantity of wine upon it, and
afterwards touching it with gold, it became fufficiently
foft to get out the heart itfelf; which at first view ap
peared as large as that of a bullock ; but, on the leaft
preffure, was reduced to the fize of a turkey- cock's . A
Ruffian furgeon , who was prefent, faid he always ex
pected it would be found fo . The heart was extreme
ly cold to the touch, and very hard ; yet it exfuded
abundance of moisture, which bliftered and fwelled the
fingers like the most violent and rancorous poifon.
The infide was perfectly black, and confifted of a fort
€ 24 of
28 FUNERAL OF MR. PITT.
of powder, which emitted an exceedingly fetid fmell.

When this powder was narrowly infpected, with the
aid of a microscope, a great many fmall fhining objects
were vifible, fhaped like fwords, daggers, and bay
onets. They moved with great rapidity, and exhi
bited a threatening appearance ; but they were found
to be quite pointleſs.
The liver was perfectly white, except where it was
ftudded with purple eruptions. The gall-bladder was
of an uncommon fize, and overflowing with a fuper
abundance of dark- coloured bile.
The whole courſe of the inteftines was lined with a
red tough coat, exactly reſembling that which is formed
by Port wine, after remaining long in the pipe.
The delicacy neceffary to be obferved in a public
print does not permit us to enter minutely into the
remaining part of the report. Suffice it to fay, that
the marks of fexual diftinétion in this cafe were not
eafily to be difcerned .
FUNERAL OF MR . PITT.
YESTERDAY the remains of the late Prime Mi
YE
nifter were interred, with fuitable folemnity, in
the churchyard of St. Giles in the Fields . The order
of the proceffion was as follows :
Sir WATKIN LEWES, on horfeback ;
Lumber Troop, two and two,
Smoking:
The other City Members , abreaſt.
BROOK WATSON *,
In
* A gentleman nearly connected with a family refident at Hallifax,

in Nova Scotia, affirms, that Mr. Brook Watfon lived as foot- boy in
that family, of which the name is PROCTOR. It is highly honourable
to him, that he does not on all occaſions forget his humble origin.
When
L
FUNERAL OF MR. PITT. 29
In a fplendid carriage,
Drawn by 200 Merchants ruined by the war.
"
Contractors, two and two .
SPIES ,
Divided into companies ,
And headed by the Duke of PORTLAND,
The LORD ADVOCATE of Scotland,
And other Officers of that Department .
MR. JOHN KETCH ,
With the cordon, and other infignia of his profeffion .
THE BIER,
[ Covered with a crimfon
JEALOUS pall, furmounted with
. MACMANUS
and emblems of war, a and
others . cork-fcrew, & a large others .
flagon of wine .
Chief Mourner,
GEORGE ROSE,
(The Earl of CHATHAM not having got up in time.)
Members for the rotten Boroughs,
two and two :
Sinecure Placemen and Penfioners ,
(Taking precedence according to the amount of
their falaries . )
Wounded foldiers, on crutches,
three and three ;
COL. MACK- MR . WINDHAM ,
With drawn fwords and Kevenhuller hats.
Certain volunteers made offer of their fervices, but
When he gave a dinner, in confequence of his being choſen First Ma

giftrate of the firft city in the world, the Lord Mayor faid he was but a
worm inthe fight of the Duke of York Truth, however, requires us
to fay, that on fome occafions he is a little pompous -A young officer
of the Guards being brought before him , in confequence of a difpute
with a coachman, reminded him, that they had ferved together on the
Continent. " If," anfwered his Lordship, " you ferved under me on
the Continent, you muſt know that it is impoffible for me to decide con
trary to propriety and justice."
€ 3 it
30 FUNERAL OF MR. PITT .
it was declined , on this ground, that, in a folemn pro

ceffion , it would not be proper to afford the populace
any occafion for laughter. The Members of the Ca
binet were engaged in difpofing of the vacant places,
which prevented them from attending round the corpfe;
but we are happy to ftate, that their deputies from
Bow Street filled their places very refpectably !
It is with grief that we advert to the behaviour of
the mob on this occafion . Neither refpect for the me
"
mory of the deceafed, nor hunger itfelf (which ap
peared in most of their countenances) , could restrain
their levity from breaking out into fhouts of laughter
and indecent merriment.
A monument, we underſtand, is to be erected, at
the public expenfe, to perpetuate this Great Man's
memory. The fculpture is to be in alto relievo, and
will reprefent, on one fide, the Premier furprifing the
Goddefs of British Liberty afcep, and ftriking off her
head with a fabre. In the back ground is a profpe& t
of Botany Bay.
Another fide exhibits the taking of Dunkirk by the
British troops, and the glorious landing of the emi
grants at Quiberon.
The third reprefents the city of Paris in ruins ; the
Baftille rebuilding, under the direction of Mr. Burke,
and the immaculate Minifter hoifting the white flag.
On the fourth fide, the Genius of War will be fhewn
in all his majeſty, attended by Defolation, Murder, and
Famine. Peace is feen , flying from the British coaſt,
and conducting Commerce and Plenty to the fhores of
America. The epitaph is as follows :
Hic conduntur reliquiæ
GUL. PITT, ARMIG.
QUI
SUMMUM POTENTIÆ CACUMEN
ATTIGIT,
AC PER MULTOS ANNOS RETINUIT ;
NON
PITT'S GHOST . 31
NON TAM SOLERTIA
(quippe isdEM ARTIBUS VICTUS EST,)
QUAM
DEORUM IRA
IN
REM BRITANNICAM .
PITT'S GHOST.
TE HE moft dreadful confternation prevails about
Downing Street and Whitehall, in confequence of
the re- appearance of the late Prime Minifter in that
neighbourhood. This alarming apparition is faid to
have been firft feen about eight days ago by Robert
Smith, who had ferved the Minifter feveral years in
the capacity of coachman. At first his report was
but little attended to, as he is unfortunately addicted
to drinking ; but, now that the fact is put beyond all
doubt, we think it our duty to lay before the public the
particulars he has given us.
The poor fellow, who is ftill extremely agitated,
relates, that on the 10th of this prefent Septen her, af
ter fmoking his pipe at the Bunch of Grapes, he walked
home, and went to bed in the hay-loft as ufual. He
had not been long afleep, as he fuppofed, when he was
awakened by a dreadful trampling of the horfes in the
ftable. But, on looking up, who can defcribe his ter
ror, when he beheld the revered image of his deccafed
mafter ſtanding before him ! A blueith light proceeded
from every part of him, but particularly from the nofe,
by means of which Robin was enabled to mark his de
plorable plight, as he ftood fhivering, wringing his
hands, and crying in all the bitterness of anguish .
His body was bare, and his hands feemed ftained
with blood ; the drops of which, as they fell on the
floor, were transformed into hideous fpectres, that
C 4 glared
32 PITT'S GHOST .
glared on the difmayed Minifter, and vaniſhed , each in

its turn, with a frown of indignation. They feemed to
be the ghofts of men, women, and children, of various
nations ; all of them bearing the marks of deadly
wounds or of famine.
The Premier often turned round, as if to avoid the
horrid fight, and as often fhewed his back, all gafhed
and torn with ftripes. But whichever way he turned,
the horrid phantoins ftill continued to rife and torment
him. At length, he feemed addreffing himſelf to
fpeak : but a fudden noife arofe, and a mighty hand,
feizing him by the hair, removed him in an inftant,
leaving the coachman petrified with horror.
Though this account may be heightened by the
imagination of the relater, yet we have no reaſon to
doubt the truth of the groundwork of it, becauſe it
is confirmed in moft points by the testimony of ſeveral
refpectable individuals, who were witneffes to the like
appearances, in Downing Street, last night and the
night preceding.
What we have collected, by a diligent inquiry, is,
that the apparition has paid feveral vifits to the differ
ent offices about the Treaſury, alarming fome of the
elerks, and impofing on others, who believe it to be
the Minifter himfelf. But Rofe, and others, whọ
faw his body committed to the ground, are fatisfied
that it must be his perturbed fpirit, fuffered to walk
the earth for a while, to contemplate the benefits it
has derived from his happy adminiftration . They are
fatisfied he cannot have burft his cearments" to
point out any thing " rotten in the State ;" becauſe in
this State there is nothing rotten, except the rotten
boroughs, which (like the blue mould in cheese) are
deemed by the intelligent the choiceft portion of the
whole mafs. It has been remarked, however, that
thofe philofophical gentlemen have lately appeared
much dejected, and avoid all converfation with the
fhade
PITT'S GHOST. 33
fhade of their former coadjutor ; afraid, perhaps, that
he might " a tale unfold, " not fuitable to the ears of
flesh and blood . What follows may explain this mat
ter farther.
The gentlemen, who were witneffes to the firft ap
pearance of the fpectre in Downing Street, all agree
that he wore a red night-cap. In other refpects, they
concur pretty nearly with the coachman. They know
not from whence he came ; but he feemed extremely
weary, and would have lain down in the street, had
not a tremendous figure, who walked behind, conti
nually goaded him on with a pitch-fork. The reluc
tant Miniſter carried a burden on his back, of enormous.
bulk, which his tottering legs were hardly able to
fuftain. It confifted of a number of packages, which
were entitled War, Corruption, Deception, Perfidy, and
the like ; the weight of which, to appearance, would
have funk a navy. He had alfo a rope faftened round
his body, by which he dragged after him many large.
weights of iron, infcribed Taxes, Poor-rates, Oppref
fion, Excife, and National Ruin.
Whilft he moved along in this woful condition, he
met no pity from the crowd of apparitions that für
rounded him, who feemed, by their frequent fhouts,
Father to take pleafure in beholding his fufferings.
Some of them would af him, whether the French
were allfarved yet ? others, how he liked the exifting
circumflances, and what window - tax he paid for his
new lodging ? To all which he replied only with a grin
of rage. One fellow afked him, why he had not brought
a bamper of wine with the rest of his luggage ? when
another archly obferved, that he fuppofed he had been
refuſed a permit ! The wretched Premier, irritated by
thefe multiplied indiguities, would have made an appeal
against them ; but his guide reminded him, that,
amongſt fpirits, there was no Habeas Corpus. The dif
mal proceffion advanced as far as his own houfe, when
it difappeared.
C 5 The
34 SCARCITY OF IDEAS .
The ceremony was repeated laft night, with fome

alterations . His load confifted chiefly of ambiguous
Acts of Parliament, Commiffions of Bankruptcy, and
ponderous Lifts of Spies and Informers. Every few ſteps
he was forced to eat one of his own fpeeches, which
(if we may judge by the contortions of his face) muft
have been exceedingly unpalatable .
Whether this protentous vifion is to be continued
every night, we pretend not to conjecture. But what
has been already feen , we truft, will ferve to convince
the prefent and future Minifters, how dangerous it is
to indulge too frequently in the ſport of arming na
tions to cut each others throats, and (on pretence of
religion and order) to fill the world with mifery and
blood.
7
SCARCITY OF IDEAS ;
AND A PLAN FOR PUTTING THEM IN REQUISITION.
AT a meeting in Downing Street yefterday, Mr.

Pitt declared to feveral of his friends, that he
found himself entirely deftitute of any ideas to meet
Parliament with, for the purpoſe of finance, peace,
or war. It was held adviſable to fend to the Duke
of Portland's office, and inquire if any were to be
had there . The clerks returned for anfwer, that they
were totally unprovided : the laft two ideas that were
left in the Treafury had been fent, by Mr. Cox, to
the Emperor, on Saturday ; which, it was confeffed,
fhould not have been done without the confent of Pár
Tiament, but that it was thought the fafety of Germany
depended upon it.
Mr. Pitt then inquired, if the Right Honourable
*
Sylvefter Douglas had brought any ideas with him ,
when
* The life of this gentleman has been a tenour

he was originally bred to phyfic ; and being reckoned a man of liberal
accomplishments,
SCARCITY OF IDEAS. 35
when he fo lately took his feat at the board ? and was
informed, that the few he had were, by accident,
packed up for the Cape of Good Hope, and had
failed with Lord Macartney. Lord Mornington de
clared, upon his honour, he had put his whole ſtock
into a pamphlet three years ago ; and Lord Hawkef
bury and Mr. Canning faid they loft all theirs, with
a variety of fpeeches, and other light baggage, in a
forced march to Paris .
Mr. Rofe fuggefted a plan of putting ideas in requifi
tion, which he had found very fuccefsful at a Verdurer's
meeting on the New Foreft Bill ; and propofed, as
the most intelligible mode, the plan of the new Cavalry
Act.
" Gentlemen, who are fupporters of the miniftry
and the war, might be claffed according to the number
of ideas they poffeffed, or were fuppofed to poffefs ,
refpectively. Ten in a clafs, for inftance, where
each gentleman had only one idea apiece ; fo in pro
portion, if any fuch gentleman happened to poffefs
more. That the gentleman on whom the ballot fell
accomplishments, was chofen to attend a youth of his own name,

called by way of eminence the Douglas, in his travels on the Conti
nent of Europe. When they refided at Paris, it fometimes hap
pened, that while the pupi was engaged in foft dalliance with one
opera girl, the tutor made it up a partie carrée by careffing another :
fo, at leaft, it is faid. It is, at any rate, certain, that by fome kind
of inditcretion he loft his occupation, and found a temporary retreat
both decent and convenient. Accordingly he took up his abode in fmall
chambers in the Temple, where he ftudied the law, and eked out his
fcanty means by a tranflation of Beccaria's work, Su'lli Delitti éfulle
Pene, and other literary labours. His focial talents, and the affurance
for which his countrymen are noted, introducing him once more to
genteel fociety, he found a richer harveft in a marriage with Lady
Cecilia North-a lady by no means remarkable for her perfonal ac
complishments. This was his firft ftep to eminence . The means by
which he has rifen to a feat at the Treafury are lefs public, though
not difficult to divine . -It feems rather unjuft to have given him a
place in the above article. The want of ideas is not the greatest re
proach that may be made to S▬▬▬▬ D—— 、 30
€ 6 fhould
Y
36 SCARCIT OF IDEAS .
fhould be bound to furnish one idea for the ufe of the
ftate, the fitneſs of which fhould be judged of by the
Deputy Lieutenants of the refpective counties . When
the whole return was complete, Mr. Dundas might
be directed to put the ideas into a large decanter, and
Mr. Pitt and he might pour them out, as exifting cir
cumftances might require."
Sir William Young obferved, that fuch a ballot
would fall very inconveniently on many gentlemen,
who might thereby be deprived of the only idea they
ad in the world.
Sir Gregory Page Turner faid, he did not pretend
to deny his having an idea ; but he declared to God,
if it were rejected by the Deputy Lieutenants, he
fhould not know which way to turn for a fubftitute.
Sir James Marriott and Doctor Lawrence gave it as
the opinion of the best publicifts of the oldfchool, that it
might lead to a very unpleafant difclofure in the cafe
of acting Juftices and landed gentlemen in the country,
and that it might affect the rights of corporations,
moft of whom had only ideas granted by ancient
charters from the Crown , certainly not impaired by
ufe, but ſtill most important to be preferved entire and
undiminished.
Mr. Boyd † offered the Minifter ideas, dated Ham
burgh,
* Sir Gregory, in his fhert fpeeches in Parliament, often appeals

to the Almighty, in proof of his neither knowing what to do or fay.
+ This gentleman was first an inferior clerk in a banking-houſe at
Dunkirk, or Oftend. He was afterwards at Paris in the fame fitua
tion, whence he roſe to be at the head of a banking-houſe himſelf.
The great confequence he has fince acquired is well known. His ob
taining the loan two or three years fince, without any other of the
monied men being allowed to enter into competition with him, is
ftill fresh in every man's memory ; but the reafon of this preference
being given him is not equally well understood. It is fuppofed, how
ever, that immediately before the explosion of the 18th Fructidor,
he endeavoured to give the Minifter reciprocal facilities in a ſecret ne
gotiation carried on at Paris. He is faid to have carried over to France
a number
SCARCITY OF IDEAS. 37
burgh, and on very moderate difcount they might be
drawn in London, and accepted bythe Treafury.
Mr. Pitt faid, he could rely on the candour of the
majority of the Houfe of Commons for their adopting,
in a time of fcarcity of ideas, the fame patriotic
conduct they had fhewn in the fcarcity of bread- corn ,
namely, to be fatisfied with ideas of an inferior
quality ; that it always gives him pain to diftrefs the
country gentlemen, as he felt this particular requifition
would ; but he had the fatisfaction of adding, that
very few ideas would be wanting, and thofe redeemable
at a fhort date. Seven or eight of any fort would
enable him to make fix fpeeches of three hours and a
half each, which would carry on the feffion perfectly
well till the Eafter recefs ; and as the Secretary at
War had kindly confented not to expend any, he was
under no difficulties but about the Admiralty.
Mr. Pybus affured the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
that the Board had done fo well without idens of late,
that he need not give himſelf any concern on their
account.
Mr. Pitt thanked Mr. Pybus very politely ; and ob
ferved, that in that cafe, without any violation of the
Appropriation Paper, the Admiralty ideas might be
put into the poor-bill.
The Duke of Dorfet hoped, that, if the Minifter
perfifted in the plan of putting ideas in requifition, his
Majefty's menial fervants would be exempted. Mr.
Pitt affured his Grace that he need be under no fort of
anxiety, the cafe being perfectly analogous to the
powder licenſe, as they were both a fort of poll-tax.
Mr. Pitt returned the Gentlemen prefent a great
many thanks for their very obliging hints ; told Mr.
a number of carriages, as prefents to the members of the French

Councils adverfe to the Directory. This was about the time that
Mr. Wickham drew for immenfe fums from Switzerland, which will
probably appear this year in the ſhape of fecret fervice money.
I Rofe
38 THE NEW TIMES .
Rofe to take a minute of the tranfaction , and to write a

civil note to Mr. Alderman Curtis, requefting him to
fecond the motion he fhould make on Tuefday, for
leave to bring in a bill, " for the better fupplying his
Majefty's Minifters with ideas in the prefent embar
raffing poſture of their affairs with the public."
Y
The New Times * .

ERT
E
Q
D
AN U
A
LIB
ACCOMANC
First Year of the Price One Shilling in

Republic, One SATURDAY, June 10, 1800. Specie ; or, Five Shit
and Indivifible. lings in Paper.
OPERA.
THE HEATRE OF EQUALITY. This Evening will

be prefented, for the first time, a new Opera,
called,
THE MITRE IN JEOPARDY ;
Or, The Triumph of CIVISM over RELIGION.
Under the direction of Citizen PRIESTLEY.
this wa- in the newspaper called the Times, in the year 1794,
in the form of a new journal, and as a fpeculation upon the ftate to
which we might be brought by a revolution in England. In the ori
ginal this article filled a folio page.
The
THE NEW TIMES CONTINUED . 39.
The Mufic by the celebrated Authors of Ca Ira, and
the Marfeillois Hymn.
After the Opera will be performed the favourite Ballet,
which had fuch a popular run at Paris, called,
THE MARCH OF THE CLERGY TO BEDLAM .
ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY, Citizen Paine (being
his first public appearance in this nation fince the
year 1792 ) ; ARCHBISHOP OF YORK , Citizen
Skirving (being his first public appearance fince his
return from Botany Bay) ; BISHOP OF DURHAM ,
Citizen Winter bottom ; and BISHOP OF LONDON ,
Citizen Fytche Palmer (being his first public appear
ance fince his return from tranſportation ) .
A Pas Deux will be introduced between the first and
fecond Act , called Sedition on Foot, by Citizen Ha
milton Rowan, and the Female Citizen Deifin.
The Characters will be all dreffed in the modern
Sans Culotte faſhion , and the whole will conclude with
the enthufiaftic fong and chorus of Ca Ira.
Pit, 55. in Money, or 7. in Paper Currency ; Firſt
Gallery, 45. in Money, or 16s . in Paper. Second
Gallery, 2s . 6d. in Money, or ros . in Paper.
** It is expected, that Ladies and Gentlemen will
come full dreffed to the Pit in red Caps and Bonnetss ;
and that the Patriotic Sans Culottes will fcrape their
fhoes at the door, and wear clean fhirts . A. Woman
attends at the door to take care of the Female Citizens'
Pattens . Thofe of the first requifition , who come in
chaife carts, are defired to order the carter to fet down
with the horfes heads towards the Permanent Guillotine
at Charing Crofs .
* Good Small Beer, Gin and Water, and other ele
gant refreſhments, will be prepared in the Anti- room.
Vivant Equality and Republicanifm .
*
ai . f .
THEATRE
40 THE NEW TIMES CONTINUED.
THEATRE OF THE SANS CULOTTES ,
ci-devant ROYALTY THEATRE , Şaltpetre Bank,
Wapping.
This Evening the Theatre will open for the firſt time,
with an entire new entertainment, called,
THE CHIMNEY- SWEEPER's APOTHEOSIS .
The Mufic and Scenery entirely new.
The whole to conclude with a Soio on the Salt -box ;
and the favourite Marfeillois Hymn, with Marrowbones
and Cleavers .
MEETING OF BANKERS.
GENERAL MEETING of all the BANKERS
A
of the City of London will be held this day, the
11th of June, at One o'Clock precifely, at the London
Tavern. The Dividend to be made to the Creditors
will be then finally determined upon . The Head
Clerks of all the bankers killed in the late maffacre
will be allowed to prefent the accounts of their ci
devant Principals.
To BUILDERS.
NY CITIZEN withing to purchaſe that ſpot of
AN
Ground on which flood the Houfes lately demo
lifhed in Horne Tooke Square (ci-devant Grosvenor
Square), are defired to fend in their Propofals to Citizen
HARDY, Prefident of the Committee for the Sale of
the Effects of the Nobility.
CITIZEN HOPPING, of Aldgate, Shoemaker,

informs the Public, that in order to fupply the de
ficiency of leather, which at the prefent moment is
become very fcarce, he offers to their notice his new
invented Shoes, made of wood, in which he has en
deavoured to combine, as much as poffible, elegance
T
with convenience. He is juft arrived from Paris,
where he worked for feveral Members of the Con
vention, and means to remain but a ſhort time in this
Capital. To
THE NEW TIMES CONTINUED . 41
To PROPRIETORS.
To-morrow will be publiſhed, by Order of the Execu
tive Power,
AVERY accurate EXPLANATION of the PRIN

CIPLES upon which the FORCED LOAN is
to be eftablished.
It may be agreeable, in the mean time, to many
Proprietors, to know, that, by the moft exact arith
metical calculations, the FORCED LOAN will not, in
the first instance, abforb more than 13-20ths of their
capital ; and that, if it fhould be found neceffary af
terwards to make fome trifling addition, by way of
voluntary Loan, it can never exceed 16-20ths of their
whole property.
This interefting Publication is to be found at Citizen
Eaton's .
CHEAP ORDINARY .
CITIZEN WELTJIE, ci-devant Purveyor at

CARLETON HOUSE, now Barrere Place, and who
is just arrived from Paris, informs all Republican Ci
tizens, that he has just taken and fitted up in the Sans
Culotte ftyle, that large Houfe, formerly called WHITE's,
in HORNE TOOKE Street, ci- devant ST. JAMES'S
Street, where there will be an Ordinary every day on
the cheapest fcale, from Twelve at Noon until Eleven
at Night. Soup Maigre, Frogs fricaffé, Garlic Broth,
and other Carmagnol Soups at all hours. Shins of
Beef and Ox Cheeks baked at One o'Clock, with Leek
and Parfley Pies, in the Cornith ftyle. Buttock of Beef
boiled à la mode de Paris , and roaft Mutton at Two
o'Clock, with hard Dumplings and Peafe Pudding.
Excellent fmall French Wines, which are much
wholefomer than heavy Porter. The Bread is made
with leaven, in order to give it a fine French acidity.
To
42 THE NEW TIMES CONTINUED .
To PARENTS and GUARDIANS .

THE Female Citizen HONORA GOODWILL
informs the Public, that fhe has taken a houfe in
a healthy fituation near Hounflow, which the has fitted .
up for the reception of a few young Ladies, and edu
cating them in the trueft principles of pure Repub
licanifm . Parents who chooſe to truft their children
to her care, may be perfuaded great attention will be
paid to prevent their minds from being tinctured with
any foolish religious fuperftition : Nature's laws alone
will be their guide, and Reafon and Philofophy the
fole object of their daily worship . Such being the
outlines of the plan, the hopes the may promife that
the young perfons intrufted to her care, will in a very
fhort time acquire that Republican energy, fo pre
ferable to the filly timidity, which was one of the
female characteristics during the reign of defpotiſm .
BRITISH NATIONAL CONVENTION.
SITTING OF THE 9th OF JUNe.
PRESIDENT CITIZEN TELWELL.
Prefident. " It is my duty, Citizen Legiſlators, to

lay before you fome letters of importance, which I
have received this day ; you will there fee to what a
height the public fpirit has arrived , and the aſtoniſhing
progrefs which our regeneration has made in every
part of Great Britain."
The Secretary then read :
" Nottingham, June 8 .
CITIZEN PRESIDENT ,
" I am this moment arrived from a patriotic expe
dition, the fuccefs of which has filled the minds of all
the friends of the people with joy and exultation .
" Too long has the foil of Nottinghamshire groaned
under the oppreffive weight of four immenfe edifices ,
and
THE NEW TIMES CONTINUED. 43
and its humble inhabitants been infulted by their dif
gufting magnificence. Welbeck, Thoresby, Clumber,
Workjop , could no longer be permitted to exift in the
land of equality. A band of chofen Sans Culottes pro
ceeded from Nottingham, and, with an energy worthy
of the confidence placed in them , paffed the plane of
the revolution over thefe oftentatious and uſeleſs man
fions . The flames did the reft .
" I fend to the Convention, as a patriotic gift, all
the plate of the ci-devant proprietors that could be pre
ferved in the general confufion. D* NN*N,
66
Mayor of Nottingham ."
66 LIST OF PLATE :
" Three filver fpoons, two foup ditto, and one ſhoe
buckle."
The reading of this letter was frequently inter
rupted by applaufes from the galleries ; and the Affem
bly ordered honourable mention to be made of it in
the minutes.
Read the following letter from Sheffield, dated
June 9.
Liberty ! Equality ! Sans - culotifm for ever !
66 CITIZEN PRESIDENT ,
" Treafon furrounds us, and terror must be the order
of the day. In purſuance of the order of the Secret
Committee, we have let loofe the inftruments of na
tional vengeance, and they are now executing their
high commiffion throughout this neighbourhood .
Nineteen proud dwellings and forty- two farm - houfes
have already been deftroyed by the flames of patriotiſm ,
and one hundred and fixteen fathers of families have
received the juft puniſhment of their atrocious crimes .
We fhould have carried ftill further the glory and
terror of the national arms, if the approach of an
infolent and defperate individual had not caufed us a
fudden alarm . The ci-devant Earl of WINCHELSEA
has marched from Rutlandfhire, at the head of a con
fiderable number of banditti, known formerly by the
name
44 THE NEW TIMES CONTINUED .
name of yeomen. Thefe dangerous men, animated

by their fanatical attachment to property, act in con
cert with the Royalifts in Devonfhire, and create a
great alarm in the minds of our Republican troops.
If we do not receive confiderable reinforcements, we
fhall be obliged to evacuate Sheffield , which place, by
the by, fwarms with fufpicious perfons .
(Signed) " YORKE ,
" General of the Armed Citizens of Sheffield."
Citizen Gamage. " I have not been able to attend
to the reading of this letter before you without ſhud
dering. How long is it, Citizens , fince I first warned
you of the danger attending your criminal moderation !
You affect to fay you are defirous of fhewing fome re
fpect to virtuous principles ; but you are ftill to learn ,
that what was virtue under the yoke of defpotifm , be
comes vice under the reign of Equality. - Beware of
thofe men who were formerly the object of public
efteem ; if you lend an ear to their fpeeches, their
hypocrify will foon triumph over your civifm . They
talk of refpect for property , obedience to the laws,
and the duties of religion, merely to ftop the progrefs
of reafon, and fufpend in its courfe the torrent of the
Revolution . What miferies has not your moderation
already heaped upon the patriots ! Awake from your
lethargy, Citizens , and decree, for once and all, as a
principle, that the establishment of the Revolution is
incompatible with the refpect for property ; that it is
not by an abfurd obedience to the laws, that you can
fucceed in fapping their foundations ; and that the
deftruction of all fuperftition is not to be effected by a
fcrupulous obfervance of the duties of religion .- (Rei
terated applaufes . ) I propofe that ten thouſand men
fhall be chofen from the French auxiliary Sans Culottes,
and be immediately fent to garrifon the town of Shef
field ."
Citizen Martin . " I participate heartily in the
admiration of the fpeech of brother Gamage ; but by
what
what fatality does it always happen , that the beſt
patriot can never join the boldnefs of conception to
the vigour of execution ? Who could fuppofe, that the
animated fpeech of brother Gamage would have ended
in the feeble propofition of ſending a garrifon to Shef
field ? I fhall therefore endeavour to fupply his want
of energy, and propoſe, as a decree of urgency, that
all perfons known before the Revolution under the
denomination of country gentlemen, yeomen, _or
houfekeepers, be put in a state of arreftation ." (The
hall refounded with applaufes.) " Equality for ever !
houſekeepers to the guillotine, huzza !"
The Prefident rings his bell violently-the bell
breaks- another bell brought by one of the Secre
taries- rings -rings. The Prefident puts on his hat.
Citizen Mendoza holds up his fift in a threatening
pofture. The Prefident knocks down Citizen Mendoza.
(A calm enfues.)
The Affembly decree unanimously, and by accla
mation , " that all perfons of the denomination of
country gentlemen and yeomen, are in a ſtate of ar
reftation."-Adjourned .
THE NEW TIMES .
BRITISH NATIONAL CONVENTION.
Bufinefs in the Houfe.

TO-MORROW .
Debate upon the Maximum of Provisions.
MONDAY .
A new Syftem for the more regular Operation of the Holy
Guillotine.
LONDON.
* The PROCEEDINGS of the REVOLUTIONARY TRI

BUNAL are obliged to be omitted for want of room.
Thirty-two perfons were yesterday convicted of a con
Spiracy against the Republic, and are to be guillotined
this evening. This
D
S INUE
46 THE NEW TIME CONT .
This day, June 10 , at twelve o'clock, the Rev. Citi

zen Joys, Minifter of the NATIONAL CHURCH, will
celebrate in the Temple of Reafon (ci- devant ST. PAUL'S
CHURCH) a feftival, for the happy deftruction of the
Parliament.
On Sunday laſt, in confequence of orders from the
Committee of Public Safety, the MAYOR, at the head
of a body of armed Citizens, repaired to Hyde Park,
where he feized on all the horfes, and declared them to
be in astate ofrequifition, for the ufe of the Republic .
The grooms were conducted to the town-houfe, and
from thence immediately fent, under a ftrong eſcort, to
join the Southern Army as volunteers .
It now appears certain, that the COLONIES refuſe to
fend their SUGARS to England ; the conftant pillages
of the fhops having alarmed the Colonifts for the fafety
of their property; and, in confequence, the price of
fugar is raiſed fixpence per pound . We have now no
other chance of drawing to ourfelves the commerce of
the Colonies than the eſtabliſhment of good laws. The
late fire amongst the fhipping, and in the feveral dock
yards, precludes us from any hopes of forcing the Co
lonies to fend us their commodities, unless they chooſe
to do fo.
We have reafon to believe, that the Ambaffador
from the French Republic, Citizen Santerre, has en
tered into an arrangement with the Committee for the
fale of the effects of the ci-devant NOBILITY, and is to
take for himfelf and fuite CARLETON HOUSE, with all
the furniture.
The ROYALISTS in DEVONSHIRE have completely
defeated the brave Republicans, and killed 4000 of
them . General SEMPLE was taken prifoner, and is
clofely confined . Want of difcipline, and proper offi
cers, it is feared will be in the end the ruin of our
new forces. The Convention , it is faid, mean to
decree it death to all the furviving officers of any part
2 of
of their forces who run from, or fubmit to the Arifto
crats.
There is reafon to hope, that the CITIZENS of
LONDON will foon be relieved from their fufpenfe in
regard to the articles of fubfiftence ; the Committee
for the Department has, by perfeverance, difcovered
the method of making bread of decayed bones. This
refource will unquestionably be as agreeable as it is
unexpected, as the oaten bread begins already to be
veryſcarce.
Citizen BARRINGTON, Reprefentative from Botany
Bay, was yesterday detected in picking the pocket of
the Preſident of the National Convention of a gold
fnuff-box. He was reprimanded, but defended what
he had done on principles of Equality.
Yeſterday the following proclamation was ſtuck up
in various parts of the metropolis :
" MARGAROT, MAYOR of LONDON.
" In order to arrive at fome precife knowledge of the re
fources of the Republic, and to form a baſis for a more juſt
diftribution of the public burdens, the National Convention
has decreed, in compliance with the request ofthe Committee
of Finances, that every citizen fhall be obliged to give in a
true and circumftantial ſtatement of his property, and that
fuch ſtatement fhall be verified by Commiffaries eſtabliſhed
for that purpofe in every fection.
This is therefore to give notice to all proprietors of
every denomination, whether landholders, bankers, mer
chants, fhopkeepers, or others, that they do give in, without
delay, a true account of all their property, whether it confift
in land, bills, or merchandiſe of any fort whatfoever ; and
they are defired to take notice, that any prevarication, or falſe
declaration, is, by the decree of the Convention, to be pu
nifhed with death and confifcation ; half of the property of
the convicted to go to the informer.
" Dated at the Town Houfe, June 9..
" BONNY, Secretary."
" Br
UED
E S TIN
48 THE NEW TIM CON .
BY ORDER OF THE MAYOR.
"In order to ftop the foul breath of flander, the Munici

pality has refolved to pub.ith a true and exact account of all:
the houfes which, during the last week, have either been
burnt or pillaged. Thefe documents will prove more forci
bly than all reafoning upon the fubject, the humanity and
moderation ofthe patriots.
" Bond Street, nineteen fhops pillaged, and three burnt.
Horne Tooke Square (ci-devant Grofvenor Square),
twenty-two houfes burnt.
" In the whole extent of Oxford Road, only one hundred
and eighty-eight houſes pillaged, and eighty-one burnt.
" Cheapfide has been rather more feverely handled ; the
right fide has been almost entirely confumed, but the left was
only pillaged.
" The fire near the Bark, in a quarter of the town where
the ſtreets are much narrower, raged of courfe with greater
violence ; but the public may be affured, that the plan of the
patriots did not extend to fo general a conflagration.
" The Municipality with fatisfaction informs the public,
that upon the minuteft inquiry, no more than 8000 citizens
have fuffered on this occafion.
" BONNY, Secretary."
THEATRE of the SANS CULOTTES .

A new piece of confiderable merit, entitled, The
CHIMNEY-SWEEPER'S APOTHEOSIS,
OR,
DRESS NO ORNAMENT TO REPUBLICANS,
Was performed yeſterday evening,
We have not room for the characters of the drama,
nor would the story be at all entertaining to our
readers this is a kind of anticipation we deteft-The
CHIMNEY-SWEEPER muſt be ſeen, and, when ſeen,
Ca Ira.
The author of this piece fufficiently fhews, that titles
and rank are not in the leaſt obligated companions to
genius.
Being
THE NEW TIMES CONTINUED. 49
Barring a few coarfe expreffions, and now and then a
want ofgrammatical precifion , we cannot help recom
mending the CHIMNEY-SWEEPER, to the notice of all
republicans. 1 The fatire on the heads of the church,
in making a ci-devant bishop Chimney-Sweeper to
Old Nick, is at once a laughable and admirable hint
at thoſe who formerly pretended to bind our reaſon in
fetters .
The characters were admirably caft , though we do
not think the piece was got up with all 1 that profef
fronal excellence appertainingto the ci- devantTHEATRES
ROYAL ;—but we cannot eat our cake and have it too.
Thofe actors and actreffes of both houfes were con
victed of finging " God fave the King" with " heart
and voice," almoſt every night of performance . They
were of courfe delivered over to the Revolutionary
Tribunal ; and when they went to the fcaffold, fuch
was the obftinacy of the loyal wretches, that the guil
lotine alone prevented a repetition of their favourite
tune ; in fhort,
Thofe fung now who never fung before,
And thoſe who always fang, now fang the more.
The Prologue and Epilogue, in a happy vein of ri
dicule, glancing at former times , compared them with
the prefent. One couplet in the Epilogue was parti
cularly appropriate :
"Citizens male and female, fince here fo long you 've tarried,
Go home, break lamps and order, let the confiable be married."
The fcenery did great credit to the manager.
The view of Tyburn, Billingsgate, Mendoza's Thea
tre, and a revived difplay of Hockley in the Hole, may
be deemed the chef d'œuvre ofthe art.
During the performance, the civiſm of the audience
was fufficiently evinced by a call for Citizen Morris's
fongs. A lady in the ftage -box was particularly happy
in the fashionable air of " Jenny Sutton."
VOL. I, D SHIPPING
50 THE EMPEROR'S RETURN TO VIENNÁ,
SHIPPING INTELLIGENCE.
PORTSMOUTH, AUG. 9.
The Grand Fleet, commanded by Citizen SMUG
GLER, in the REPUBLIC, ci-devant Royal Charlotte,
with Commiffioner GRAY on board, weighed anchor
this morning, with a fair wind, to join the French
fleet, and proceed with them to Cadiz, in order to
affift in the reduction of Spain, and plant an everlaſting
republic there.
Came into harbour Le Couteau, a French brig, laden
with guillotines, for the uſe of the fleet.
COURSE OF EXCHANGE .
Amfterdam 。 |Hamburgh
Leghorn Liſbon
Cadiz
English Bank Notes and French Afſignats at par.
PRICE OF SPECIE.
Silver, 225. per ounce, in paper.
Guineas, 51. 25.
PRICE OF STOCKS.
Bank Stock 44 3-8ths
3 per Cent. Reduced 11 a 10 1 half a 9
3 per Cent. Confols 12
4 per Cent Confols 16
5 per Cent. Ann . 26
Bank Long Ann. 2
Short Ann. o 1 -half
India Stock o
THE EMPEROR'S RETURN TO VIENNA *.

[From the Gazetteer.]
AFTER foundering innumerable pofts, and outſtrip

ping their own fame, Francis II, and the mag
* This Effay appeared when the Emperor, after publiſhing a procla

mation, Indicating his intention not to leave Flanders till he ſhould
have conquered the French Netherlands, thought fit to return to Vien
na in great dudgeon at the loſs of part of his own dominions.
nanimou
THE EMPEROR'S RETURN TO VIENNA. 51
nanimous Colonel Mack, reached the vicinity of Vi
enna, in fomewhat of a doleful mood, looking back at
every moment, to fee if the French huffars were not
behind them, and little expecting the honours that
awaited them without the gates of the Imperial city.
Some loyal Germans, anticipating the conquefts of
their Sovereign, had there erected a triumphal arch,
adorned with emblematical figures, and covered with
infcriptions in excellent Latin. The gentle Emperor *,
who was fhivering beneath his cloak and a dog- day's
fun, hardly knew who was meant by a brawny Hercu
les treading upon a Hydra ; but as to Colonel Maek, he
recogniſed himſelf immediately, on feeing the words,
" The Saviour ofthe Netherlands," written over a river
god, with a trident in his band, making water † .
" Cafari invicto," faid the Emperor, lifting up his
beaver to read an infcription on the arch- Cafari
invicto," repeated he, pulling it down again over his
eyes, and fitting for fome time after in filent dudgeon .
The mighty Colonel, who perceived that his maſter
felt fomething like the fting of irony in this well-in
tended praife, wifhed much to ftop the career of his re
flections, and to offer a few confolatory words.
The fubject, however, was fo ticklish , that he did
not know where to begin. He twirled his whifkers ;
but if he had eradicated every hair of his beard, he
would not have found a fentence fuited to the occafion.
At last he luckily thought of invoking the German
mufe, and took up his pipe, which was fmouldering
away in a corner of the carriage. Then preffing the
His Imperial, Royal, and Apoftolic Majefty, the Emperor of Ger

many, King of Bohemia, Hungary, Naples, Jerufalem , and Arragon ,
Archduke of Auftria, Duke of Anjou , Guelders, Brabant, and Barr---
the mighty Cæfar, in a word- is a " puny infect, fhivering at a
breeze."
+ Colonel Mack propofed to defend the Auftrian Low Countries by
inundations,
D 2 afies
52 THE EMPEROR'S RETURN TO VIENNA .
afhes with his little finger, for the brave Colonel never
was afraid of fire, and adminiſtering the tube to his
mouth, he drew in an enormous whiff, full fix feet
long, Rhinland meaſure, and blew it, puff ! into the
facred face of Francis the Second. The fudden guft
of fmoke, by G- d's bleffing, awakened the Emperor
from his painful reverie ; but, as the D-vil would have
it, it had fuch an effect upon his weak lungs, that his
Imperial, Royal, and Apoftolic Majeſty was very nearly
fuffocated.
By this time the good people of Vienna had learnt
the approach of their Sovereign, and were ftanding at
their doors and windows, in expectation of hearing the
horns announce his arrival. " After conquering
France," faid the good people of Vienna, " and being
fo long abfent from his wife, he will certainly come
back with horns* ." No horns, however, could they
hear ; but at length they perceived their mighty maſter
ftealing down the bye ftreets to the council- chamber.
" Ay," faid the people of Vienua, " he is modeft
like his uncle Jofeph , and, like him, he makes no
parade of his victories."
The Council was fitting. -The hoary Kaunitz , find
ing by his laft difpatches that the Emperor had pro
mifed his faithful Flemings not to leave them till he
fhould have conquered French Flanders, and not doubt
ing, but he would fulfil his royal word, had called toge
ther the counfellors to make a divifion of the fpoils of
the enemy. After a very fhort debate, they had de
termined that the Dutch fhould have all the conquered
country as a barrier, in the hands of their ally, to
protect them from the French ; that the Engliſh .
fhould have all the honour- of paying for it ; and that
* Great perfonages and good news are introduced to Vienna by

poftillions blowing horns, fometimes not less than thirty-fix in num
ber.
the
THE EMPEROR'S RETURN TO VIENNA. 53
the Emperor fhould keep nothing but the fovereignty

and the revenues .
This difpofition they made known to Cæfar when
he entered, with manifold congratulations on the ſpeed
of his triumphant career. " I have not as yet con
quered all the French Netherlands," faid the Em
peror. " Your Majefty," faid Kaunitz, " has pro
bably taken no more thau Hainault, the Cambrefis,
You
and Artois . "-The Emperor shook his head, "
muſt be mafter of Dunkirk and Lifle, to be fure ."
The Emperor fhook his head . " Maubeuge, at leaft, is
in the hands of your troops. " -The Emperor fhook
his head with fome impatience, " Oh !" faid old
Kaunitz, " I fee how it is : your victorious army is at
Courtray and Menin, ready to feize its certain prey."
" The French army is at Menin and Courtray," faid
the Emperor, pettiſhly.
" The French army is at Menin and Courtray !"
All the aged counſellors drew their chairs clofe to the
council- board ; planted their elbows upon it; and
refting their chins upon their hands, fat looking each
other in the face ; and in that posture, no doubt, they
would be fitting ftill, if they had not been roufed by
the fudden founding of a horn,
It was a meffenger from the army. " The French
have taken Ypres," faid the ineffenger. " Tantara!"
It was a fecond horn, and a fecond meffenger.---" The
French have taken Charleroi .” —“ ia tara!" Athird
meffenger came in. " The French have taken Mons ."
" Tantara! The French have taken Bruffels," faid a
fourth meffenger .
As the meffengers fucceffively brought in the doleful
tidings, the jaw of the aged Kaunitz kept dropping an
inch at a time ; but when he heard that the Carmag
nols were in Bruffels, the poor old man, who, like
Ulyffes's old dog, had protracted his feeble exiſtence to
fee his maſter's return, was feized with the mortal
D3 convulfion,
54 THE ROYAL DOG AND HIS MINISTER.
convulfion, and gave up the ghoft *.—Sic tranfit gloria
mundi.
THE ROYAL DOG AND HIS MINISTER.

[From the Morning Chronicle.]
THEHE Abbé Blanch et gives the following as an Indian
tale: A viceroy of Johor governed his province
with fuch cruelty, that, being maffacred in an infur
rection, Chaon Malon, the King of Siam, feizing the
chiefs ofthe rebels, contented himſelf with puniſhing
a few of them . Afterwards , affembling the ftates of
Johor in the hall of the palace : " Vile infects !" faid
he, you are no longer worthy to be governed by one
of my mandarines. Proftrate yourfelves, therefore, be
fore the viceroy I have chofen for you." Then calling
a huge maftiff, " Come, Barkhouf," faid he, " reign
over thefe wretches in my name, and exterminate them
"
ifthey do not obey you .' Then addreffing himselfto
a Chinefe, who had long refided at Johor, " You,"
faid he, " fhall be Barkhouf's prime minifter ; ferve
him faithfully, and give him counfel if he ftands in
need of it." Mani, for that was the name of the
viceroy, had no difficulty in making the King of Siam
believe that he understood the canine language ; for
immediately turning to the dog, and bowing three
times to the earth, his bark was anfwered by another
from the throne, that made the whole palace refound ;
and the anſwer being fuitably interpreted by the mi
nifter, gave the utmoft fatisfaction to the whole affem
bly. Even Chaon Malon could not help admiring the
forcible eloquence of the new viceroy, and the fingu
Jar erudition of his interpreter. Barkhouf, notwith
ſtanding a little ferocity in his exterior, proved the beſt
* Prince Kaunitz actually died immediately after the Emperor's

return .
of
APPROPRIATE TEXTS . 55
of the canine fpecies . In the council - chamber he
was perfectly docile to the inftructions of Mani ; and
in the Chamber of Audience his appearance was al
ways without hauteur ; as, upon certain figns from his
miniſter, he never failed wagging his tail, or prefenting
his paw to any perfon formally introduced to kifs it.
His dinner was always fimple,,but folid, and generally
eaten with the appetite of a ruftic. He fometimes
amufed himſelf with hunting, and at other times in ob
ferving the manoeuvres of the troops in his territory.
All difpatches were figned by his paw, dipped in ink
for the purpofe, which ferved both for fignature and
feal, and his reign was long and happy.
APPROPRIATE TEXTS.
SOME of our reverend gentlemen, who are denomi
nated popular preachers, difplay great ingenuity in
their choice of fuitable texts . At an anniverfary
fermon preached before the Chelſea penfioners, a dif
courfe was a few days fince delivered from the follow
ing appofite text : " Remember thy Creator in the
days of thy youth , before the evil days come, and the
days in which thou fhalt fay, I have no pleaſure in
them ." A gentleman who preached a fermon before
the Society for recovering Perfons apparently drowned,
felected the following : Trouble not yourfelves about
him ; the man is not dead." For a wedding fermon,
preached a fhort time fince at a country town in Shrop
fhire, a reverend gentleman took part of the ftory of
Jepththah's daughter : " And the went upon the moun
tains, and bewailed her virginity." A reverend dean,
who publifhed a fermon for the benefit of the poor
clergy in a provincial diocefe, properly enough, felected
the following: " Set on the great pot, and feeth pot→
‫در‬
tage for the fons of the prophets .'
D4 SCANDAL .
( 56 )
SCAND A L.
HOW varioufly are different people affected by the
fame fubject ! A late matrimonial fracas being
brought on the carpet, at a tea-drinking party at the
weft end of the town : " Poor woman !" faid a young
lady, with a deep figh. " Poor woman ! poor woman,
indeed ! poor man, I think !" replied an old citizen,
rather peevishly. " Vile woman !” cried an old maid.
" We fhall have her in the Commons," faid a civi
lian. " We fhall have her in the papers ," faid a po
litician. She fhould be brought to a white fheet,"
faid a curate. " She fhould be toffed in a blanket,"
exclaimed the old maid. " Mercy upon us all !" cried
the young one ; " and ""yet, fomehow or other, one
cannot fupprefs a figh.' " Somehow or other one
cannot fupprefs a laugh," cried the civilian : " I fup
pofe in the end they must be divorced ; and our court
fettles all thefe differences ." -" The devil fettles all
thefe differences !" roared the citizen . " Moft likely
he may," faid a country gentleman.
THE YOUNG LARKS.

Hoc erit tibi argumentumfemper in promtufitum,
Nequid expectes amicos, quod tute agerepaffies.
ENNIUS apud GELLIUM, II . 29.
ONCE on a time, fo fays the parable,

In a fine waving field of arable,
A lark amidst the corn had rear'd her brood ;
It would have done you good
To fee how fhe with grain had camm'd their maws ;
And how, with winking eye,
And neck awry ,
Panting, they lay behind their burſting craws;
And fearce could chirp, or fay
" Mamma, good day !"
Να
THE YOUNG LARKS. 57
No larks ofDunſtable were ever fatter,
What then could be the matter ?
'T was this : the corn fhe knew was ripe and brown,
The neighbouring fields already down ; 1
And much the prudent mother was afraid
They ſhould be forc'd to quit their calm retreat,
And emigrate to fome lefs happy feat.
"My dears," fays fhe, " we are betray'd;
Liften, and be upon the watch,
Mind what the farmers fay
From day to day,
And bring it me. A little eaves- dropping
""
Is now and then a very uſeful thing.'
The little birds rous'd from their ſtupid ſleeping;;
And being very perfect for their age:
In the bleft fyftem of efpionage,
Leaning half o'er the neft
Their fpeckled toad- like breaſt,
By day, by night, were now alert and peeping.
Next morning, fure enough, the farmer came,
Himſelf and fon.. Quoth he, " We're much to blame ;
This corn our huſbandry difgraces,
So bearded, ripe, and briftling in our faces ;
Next morn to cut it we ' ll begin,
And therefore call our neighbours in :
"T is a rare crop ! " he ſaid, and walk'd away..
The little larks, in wild difmay,
Before they went to bed,
In terror told what he had faid..
" This time you need not fear," mamma replies ;
" Truft what I fay, by long experience wife."
And fo it prov'd. The neighbours huff'd and chaf'd,
A civil anfwer ſcarce vouchfaf'd :
They leave their dinners and their ale,
Sweating beneath the fun ofJuly,
To help two clumfy boors ! A likely tale!
Hodge had forgot his diftance, truly.
Hodge fcratch'd his head. " Well, let it be
We now our real friends fhall fee :"
For many a friend the farmer had,
Who all to ferve him would be glad. ;..
DS And
1
58 THE YOUNG LARKS .
And eating kin, and Chriſtmas coufins,

The farmer reckon'd them by dozens.
"Go, tell our friends it muſt be done,
(This job) before next Friday's fun."
The friends and kinfmen promis'd meeting,
And fent him many a cordial greeting.
The little larks were now quite fure
They in a hurry muft decamp .
" Peace !" faid the parent ; " be fecure
That yet you need not tramp :
This bustle only ferves to make me laugh;
Old birds, like me, are never caught with chaff. "
Next morn a number of excuſes canie :
Friend Ralph was feiz'd a little lame ;
Friend Simon gone to fell his mare;
Hobto buy cheefe at Stourbridge fair :
Some were detain'd within their houſes,
For fear of fever, by their ſpouſes ;
And coufin John declar'd ' t was plain
The glafs foretold a deal of rain :
T was not, he thought, with ſky ſo fickle,
Aproper time to uſe the fickle.
" My fon," faid Hodge, now undeceiv'd,
Aufeful leffon we've receiv'd :
Do thou, before to-morrow's dawn,
For thee and me two fickles bring ;
We'll help ourselves, whate'er betide."
" Now, now, 't is time," the old one cried,
" That we were on the wing:
This was the only ftroke I fear'd,"
She faid; and all, before the day appear'd,
1 Moft wifely were withdrawn.
My tale, I know, is fomewhat old :
We'll try the moral to unfold.
You, who have feather'd well your neft,
Scrips, placemen, penfioners, and Co.,
Living in eafe and clover bleft;
I grieve to fee you fretting fo,
Running diftractedly about and frighten'd,
At every taife alarm by fancy heighten'd ;
Tis, without question,
Exceeding bad for your digeſtion ;
Wherefore,
THE YOUNG LARKS . 59
Wherefore, I beg you, hear a little reafon,
And keep your terrors for the proper ſeaſon.
When, in petitions form'd to footh and flatter,
Beginning with Moft Gracious !
Its loving fubjects hope that Government
Will, in its wiſdom, give them full content,
Redreffing all that is vexatious ;
" Let not your noble courage be caft down,"
Sons of the filk or the prunella gown !
Its wiſdom ſcarce will ſtir about the matter.
I hope you do not think 't was meant
(A thing fo facred and fo high)
To drudge and labour for the good
Of the poor Swiniſh Multitude,
Just like an eagle ftooping to a fly.
Their coarſe petitions they'll be fcarcely able
To bear upon the table ;
No, no, depend upon ' t, your doom
Will never from this quarter come.
Nor yet, when oppofition-patriots warm,
Raifing of eloquence a ſtorm,
In fpeech and writings bold,
Tell us we 're bought and fold,
And thunder out reform,
Need you with fretting, or with fear, growthinner;
You will not lofe one corporation dinner :
Their tropes are good, it is divine to hear them ;
I only fay-you need not fear them.
But fhould the people once begin
Themfelves to put the fickle in ;
(The fickle- mind, I fay no more,
For fear of mifrepreſentation :)
O fhould John Bull himſelf prepare
Of his own crop to take the care,
He, and his ſturdy fons together,
Coarse-grain'd, who fear nor wind nor weather,
Yourgolden days indeed are o'er :
To borough-jobbing then adieu ;
Loans, contracts too,
Snug finecures and penfions, all good by!
"Nofong, no fupper," then will bethe crys
And foon you'll be no more, I gueſs,
Than ci-devants, or French Nobleffe,
D6 FRENCH
.( . 60 ).
FRENCH IMPIETY.
F all the impieties that have been imputed to the

OF
French , the following , which appeared in one of
the Paris Papers, is perhaps the moft abominable
Converfation between a young Prieft and an old.

The young Prieft.-What are you doing, brothers ?
I am indignant
The old Prieft.-Againſt whom ?
Y. Againft every body, and againſt you.
O. What have I done to offend you ?
Y. You have married, and aſk me this queſtion !
O. Love of morals and of my country induced me
to marry. It is faid, and not without reafon, that he
who has not a wife of his own , reckons little on the
wives of his neighbours ; and this fcandal I wished to
avoid. Befides, freemen cannot be too much multi
plied ; and I am defirous of contributing my mite, ac
cording to God's command.
Y. You are a fchifmatic.
O. That I am not ; for I fide with the great family
of fociety.
Y. You are unworthy of being a prieſt.
O. Admitted : I do not expect to be one long.
Y. And if each of us were to do as you do, who
would pray for the faithful ?
O. Nobody ; which would induce the faithful to
pray for themſelves.
Ý. And who would fing the praiſes of the Lord ?
O. Thoſe who wish to praiſe the Lord .
Y. Who would confefs ?
O. People would do as in the primitive times of
Christianity ; they would confefs to one another.
Y. Who would fay mafs ?
O. Jefus Chrift never inſtituted maſs.
-Y. Who would marry ?
O. The
FRENCH IMPIETY. 61
O. The magiftrate.
Y. Who would baptize ?
O. The firſt Chriſtian that came in the way, as the
church empowers every Chriftian to do.
Y. Who would bury ?
O. That the civil magiftrate is to look to.
Y. To hear you, the people might do without priests.
O. Ifthe people think fo, I have no objection.
Y. And to what would you reduce religion ?
O. To morality.
Y. But if our laws and inftitutions fhould teach
morality, religion would then be uſeleſs .
O. Abfolutely, in your fenfe of the word. To love.
and to ferve our country, to be juft to our fellow- citi
zens, is to do all that is moft agreeable to man and to
God.
Y. You are an innovator.
O. By no means ; for my opinion was the fame
when we had grand almoners and cardinals.
Y. God will puniſh you.
O. He has the power ; but I honour him too much,
to be afraid that he will.
Y. What ! no more priests !
O. I do not ſay that we will have no more priests ; I
fay only that we can do without them.
Y. Why! this is precifely what ought not to be
faid ; for if the people once believe that they can do
without priefts, they will do without them.
O. So much the worfe for the prieſts.
Y. You are an impious wretch ! an Atheift ! and
you will repent the hand you have had in contributing
to make the French unhappy in the world to come.
O. I will confole myfelf with feeing them free and
happy in this world.
MILITARY
( 62 )
MILITARY ECONOMY *.
HOBBES has maintained, that the natural ſtate of
mankind is a ſtate of war. Notwithſtanding the
offence which this affertion has given to many, I can
not but be difpofed to think it well- founded. When
we fee fovereigns wilfully plunging their people into
wars, which muft, at leaft, put to fome hazard the
advantages of their perfonal elevation - when we hear
the multitude clamouring for hoftilities, the only con
fequence of which to them muſt be burdenfome im
pofts-when we fee the foldier impatient for a battle,
in which his life and limbs are to be rifked, without
the profpect of any benefit to him in the oppofite ſcale
-what can be inferred, but that the innate propenfity
of the animal overbears every dictate ofreafon ? This
being the cafe, it is the part of a true philofopher to
refrain from hopeleſs attempts to correct this obliquity
of the human mind, and to bound his endeavours to
extracting a partial benefit from this general perverſe
nefs of difpofition . Military arrangements must be
confidered under two conditions, that of reft, and that
of exertion for it is the characteristic of man's evil
inclination, contrary to that of any other animal, that
immediate provocation is not required to excite his ma
-
lignity. But upon a remote and indiftinct view of even
tual opportunities , he fathions and concocts before
hand the mifchief which he is to exercife againſt his
fellow- creatures . Phyfical caufes may, upon due re
flection, be found for every fingularity in nature . The
difference of man, in the refpect alluded to, from the
reft of the brute creation, may, perhaps, arife from his
dereliction of that quadruped poſture, fo ably proved
This whimsical plan is not fo very diftant from fact as it may

appear. Attempts have been made to fertilize barren tracts of land,
by encamping cavalry upon them.
by
MILITARY ECONOMY. 63
by Lord Monboddo to have been the original habit of
the human race. I do not infer, as fhort- fighted
arguers have done, that man taking from his erect pof
ture a wider ſcope of view, thence embraces at once
more objects to animate his paffions : becauſe I think
the extenfion of horizon gained by an additional ele
vation of two or three feet, entirely inadequate to the
effect . My hypothefis proceeds upon a much fimpler
principle. We know that it is the nature of effluvia
from all fubftances, to mount directly upwards ; at leaſt,
where not expoſed to a current of air. Now my con
ceit is, that, from the erect poſture of man, the vapour
generated in his entrails- which we know from its
cafual efcapes to be highly exalted-muſt continually
titillate and exacerbate his brain. Hence, when no pre
fent cauſe awakens him to fury, he is nevertheleſs
tified with the fhew of preparation for miſchief. This
I take to be indubitably the cauſe why ſtanding armies
have become reconcilable not only to thoſe who com
pofe them, but to thoſe alſo who, by their contributions,
maintain them . The peafant, it is true, feels it a
grievance, that the pittance hardly earned by his labour,
Thould be fqueezed from him to furniſh fubfiftence to
thofe enrolled machines ; and he may perhaps at times
confider their force as no very comfortable curb on his
convenience. But he rationally confoles himſelf for theſe
petty diffatisfactions, with the gracious hope that, fome
time or other, another community will fuffer out of all
proportion more from thofe tormentors than he does
himfelf. If one can leave to the true-born Engliſhman
this pleafing imagination ; and, on the other hand, give
him acommutation for his difcontent, it muſt be deemed
a national fervice of no ordinary importance. The
late augmentation of the army in this country, and a
grateful expectation that it will not be ſpeedily reduced,
led my mind to reflect whether it was indeed impoffible
to extract fomewhat of utility from fuch a hoſt, fup
ported
64 MILITARY ECONOMY.
ported at the expenfe of their fellow- citizens. For

tune feemed to have filed in granting, at this juncture,
the concurrence of a novel eftablishment, moft admir
ably fuited to the point of my lucubrations. Nay, I
am almoft tempted to believe, that a fpecial Providence,
acting always by modes inexplicable to men, has di
rected the formation of a National Board of Agricul
ture, for the exprefs purpoſe of giving adoption to my
fyftem. To that Board, with great veneration, but
with equal confidence, I prefent a plan for rendering
the foldiers contributary to the public weal ; and with
the fimplicity which ought to mark a propofal fo un
precedented, I difplay my fyftem without further in
troduction .
The number of effective men , including the militia,
now embodied in Great Britain, I fhall fuppofe to be
forty thoufand. From this number must be deducted
the guards neceffary for the perfon of the Sovereign ,
in the capital of his empire. The Duke of Richmond,
alfo, will indubitably require to have a camp formed
fomewhere ; but as a camp any where, of two thouſand
men, might be called the army, and his Grace only
wiſhes to have the command of an army, five thousand
men will be found fufficient for the two objects ; that
is to fay, for this exhibition , and the protection of St.
James's Park. There will then be five and thirty
thouſand men at liberty. I fay at liberty, becauſe, oc
cupied as the French are in refifting the irruption of
our allies on the continent, and covered as the feas
are with one of the moft formidable naval armaments.
# ever fet afloat by this country, I cannot fuppofe that
1 the mind of man has ever harboured an idea fo ridicu
lous, as that the Sans Culottes could moleft us at
home. I would, therefore, have thefe five and thirty
thoufand warriors affembled as fpeedily as may be,
within one diftrict ; which, for the fake of the expe
riment, I could with might be of the moft barren foil.
1) that
that can be pitched upon in England. This army of

Cincinnati fhould be under the abfolute direction of
the New Board of Agriculture . The ground deſtined
for improvement fhould be accurately meaſured, and
fubdivided into the partitions, that will be obvious,
according to the following fcheme. For the fake of
round numbers, I would allot five and thirty men to
each acre; by which means, a thouſand acres would be
undertaken in the day. On the morning fixed for the
operation, an ounce and an half of ftrong purgative
falts, diffolved in a quart of fpring- water, fhould be
adminiſtered to each individual on the parade ; after
which, the whole body fhould be marched to the ſpot
deftined for improvement, where each fquad of five
and thirty fhould take poffeffion of an acre. The nien
fhould then ſtation themſelves , as nearly as may be, at
equal diftances ; in which fituation they fhould be li
berally fupplied by their wives, or by drummers, with
their gruel, prepared for the purpoſe . It is impoffible
to compute, with entire precifion , what may be the
quantity ofmanure yielded to an acre by this procefs ;
but affuredly it is not neceffary to be very minute in
afcertaining it. If the refpectable members who con
ftitute the new Board deem it adviſable to be more
particular, they can try the experiment by their own
perfons ; and from the refult eftabliſh a ſcale whence
calculations may be unerringly drawn . Experience
would, no doubt, extraordinarily improve the foldiers
in their art ; fo that, when they were thoroughly dif
ciplined, a much smaller number of men would equally
meliorate an acre. For this we muſt look to time. In
the prefent calculation , as I faid before, I only reckon
upon one thoufand acres radically and effectually ma
nured, in one day, by five and thirty thoufand men. I
apprehend that it would be fcarcely held politic to
fubject the troops to this operation oftener than twice
a week ; that is, if they were to be worked for a con
ſtancy
66 MILITARY ECONOMY.
ftancy the year through, it is not only that the foldier

might, by too great frequency of fervice, relax in at
tachment to the bufinefs, but it is alfo to be confidered,
whether, by a drain too fuddenly repeated, the manure
might not be rendered defective in quality. Economy
likewife muft here interfere, becauſe it would be an
expenfe in bounty -money to replace thefe implements
of hufbandry, as they may be honourably entitled,
fhould they be worn out by unconfcionable ſcouring.
Upon thefe data it will appear, that one hundred
thoufand acres may annually be rendered capable ofpro
ducing the richest crops , at an expenfe to the public fe
moderate as not to be worth notice. Ten years , then ,
will give one million of acres thus improved ; and fo
on until the whole ifland fhall be fit to bear afparagus .
I have not taken into my account the contributions of
the officers in this way, although it is clear their pub
lic fpirit will naturally inftigate them to fhew the moſt
active examples in this fervice. That their duty may
be pleafing to them, I would, in their cafe, have the
nature of the cathartic left entirely to their own difcre
tion ; fo that, where habitual indulgence had rendered
calomel, or any other drug, more grateful to them than
falts , they might enjoy- provided it be out of their
own pocket-the innocent luxury of that preference .
I am aware, that all beneficial projects are coldly re
ceived at firft. It is the prerogative of genius to foar,
at once, to a height which ordinary minds cannot attain
but by gradual ftages and fucceffive efforts. I there
fore anticipate the reluctance with which this fcheme
will be adopted ; for adopted, at length, I am confident
it will be, it being impoffible to advance any colourable
objection to it. I know that, in thefe days of oftenta
tious economy, the expenfe of fo comprehenfive a
purge will be loudly urged against the meafure. At
first fight, this argument may have fome degree of
weight ; though, when it is better examined, it will
be
be found unworthy of confideration . It is not to be

fuppofed I ſhould lay a plan of this magnitude before
the public, without having duly informed myfelfof every
circumſtance involved in it . The price of purgative
falt is not to be eſtimated by what gentlemen pay to
their apothecaries . A chemift of diftinguiſhed emi
nence has pledged himſelf to me, that, whenfoever this
plan fhall have received a parliamentary fanction, he
will come forward and offer to contract to purge the
army round at five farthings per man for each week.
I acknowledge that fuch a contract might add to the
Miniſter's influence, and be beſtowed in return for par
liamentary adherence : but this is eafily obviated by
lodging the power of granting that contract with the
Board of Agriculture, which no man can fuppofe will
ever receive a bias from minifterial intimations. Five
farthings then being taken as the expenfe of the ca
thartic, to that fum muſt be added as much more, `for
providing the gruel neceffary on the occafion ; fo that
twopence halfpenny will be the charge of every man's
hebdomadary exertion . Multiply this by thirty-five,
and it will appear that for three fhillings and feven
pence halfpenny an acre of land will be manured with
an efficacy, fuch as probably has never been expe
rienced from the commencement of tillage to the pre
fent day. For it is not to be imagined that the opera
tion of manure, fo applied, will confift merely in the
inert qualities, howfoever excellent, of the fæces. I am
perfuaded, that the energy of mind with which that
boon will be beftowed to the earth, muft influence in
a furprising degree the nature of the fubftance fo com
municated. The charms of fociety in the function ;
the heroic impulfe of profeffional ardour ; the cheering
inſpiration of the fife and drum ; and, above all, the
confcioufnefs of patriotic effort, will infufe a foul into
the tribute that is to mingle with the clay, and en
able it to impregnate every clod with unexampled fe
cundity.
68 THE TRAVELLER AND HIS guide.
cundity. Laughing Ceres fhall glitter over the land,

yellow as the courfe when the fprang ; and the teem
ing granaries of England fhall bear grateful teftimony
to the liberal bowels of her regimented fons. The huf
bandman ſhall be agreeably aftonished, to find that he
has a common caufe with the foldier ; and the landed
intereft, in Parliament, fhall exult at the amount of
army eſtimates, moved by the Secretary at War.
CACOTHRAUSTES ,
THE TRAVELLER AND HIS GUIDE.

AN ASIATIC APOLOGUE.
L
GU Al ak ed , a Perfian merchant , who was fetting
OGUL
off on a long journey , thought that it would be
more fafe and eafy if he took a guide . " I will take
one," faid he, " of fufficient ftrength to carry my
burden , brave enough to affift me in defending myſelf
againſt robbers , and fubtle enough to fee that nobody
take advantage of my good faith ."
As Arbogad, his neighbour, had all theſe good
qualities, he agreed to give him honourable pay, and
put his pack upon his fhoulders. During the first
three or four days, he kept his purfe himfelf; but
Arbogad affuring him he could make better bargains,
and was more on his guard againft impofition, per
fuaded him to give it into his care.
The next day, Arbogad, pretending that they were
coming into a country infefted by robbers, afked per
miffion to take fome money out of the purfe to buy a
large fcimitar, his dexterity in the ufe of which he
highly vaunted. They had not gone much further,
before Ogul Alaked, on waking from a found fleep,
found that he was difarmed,
" Howis this ?" faid he. Arbogad anſwered, that
he had taken his fword from him, out of regard to
his
PRETTY AMUSEMENTS . 69
his own welfare. " It is a dangerous weapon," add
ed he " you might cut yourfelf with it ; and, as
you are fubject to mental abfences, you might even
difable me ; and then who would take care of you ?"
Ogul Alaked did not find this reafoning perfectly
fatisfactory; but as he had the beft opinion of Arbogad,
he acquiefced, and they proceeded on their journey
with great apparent friendship. But, fhortly after,
the Perfian remonftrating with his guide on the pro
fufion with which he difpofed of his money ; Arbogad,
by way of anfwer, fhewed him the fcimitar that had
been bought under the pretence of defending him ;
and, on his repeating his complaints, drew it out of
the fcabbard, and waved it over his head . Poor Ogul
Alaked was obliged to fubmit ; and Arbogad, perfifting
in the ufe of the fame powerful argument, appro
priated the money to his own ufe, and provided
fumptuous fare for himfelf, while the other was fcarcely
allowed the fcraps that remained on the table.
At laft he took the pack off his own fhoulders, put
it upon that of Ogul Alaked ; and, inftead of con
ducting him the way he wanted to go, drove the
miferable merchant along the road that beft fuited
}
himfelf. He that has ears to hear, let him hear !
PRETTY AMUSEMENTS FOR CROWNED HEADS,

FOR A CENTURY TO COME * .
W HEN the combined forces have reinftated the
monarchy of France, feen the Monk reſtored to
* This whimſical plan of operations appeared very ſhortly after

we free Englishmen joined the grand confederacy, with a view of
forcing the French to abandon the dreadful, though voluntary,
flavery of a reprefentative and republican government, and to re
turn to the rational liberty they formerly enjoyed under their Grand
Monarque. The rogues " dared kill a king," and were infolent enough
to think they could live without one ! .
his
70 PRETTY AMUSEMENTS.
his monaftery, and the Nun to her cloiſter ; brought

back the feudal fyftem to the moſt abfolute vaffalage,
and introduced wooden fhoes and wretchedneſs to
more than twenty millions of people, they may dire&
their attention to the Dey of Algiers, and infift upon
introducing the Proteſtant religion into every corner of
his black dominions. That point once accompliſhed,
they may fail to Conftantinople, and compel the
Grand Turk to throw away his turban, and wear in
the room a cocked hat and a pig-tailed periwig : this
will be very easily performed ; and then they will have
nothing to do, but to pay a vifit to the Emperor of
China, and advife him kindly, at the point of the
bayonet, to embrace Judaifm for the good of his im
mortal foul, and to oblige his fubjects to rife with
their b- ks-des foremoſt. After that, they may ſtep
over the Chineſe wall ; force the Khan of Perfia to
keep Lent ; and then, turning their attention to the
Great Mogul, infift upon qualifying all his fubjects
for the Italian Opera, and that they ride with their heads
to their horfes' tails. They will then have plenty of
leifure upon their hands to pare the lips and pinch the
nofes of the Tartars into a decent and becoming
form. As to the Hottentots, it will take no trouble
at all to make them wear ruffled fhirts and filk ſtock
ings : and nothing can be more pleaſant to the blacks
of Guinea, than compelling them to drefs in fur
cloaks, with black filk bags to their hair. Afterwards
they can force the Efquimaux Indians to study the
Newtonian fyftem, and oblige the Laplanders to have
light allthe year round.
JEU
( 71 )
JEU D'ESPRIT * .
[From the Morning Chronicle. ]
S late Dumourier terror ſpread,
As
Mynheer and Frow retir'd to bed,
With the French army in their head ; }
Into a broken flumber falling,
Behold them toffing, tumbling, fprawling :
Surpris'd, Mynheer began to feel
His back-bone turn'd into a keel ;
To oak his ribs were changing faſt,
And from his belly ſprang a maſt ;
His limbs, miraculouſly ſhrunk,
Retir'd into the parent trunk ;
His brawny rump, grown harder, rounder,
Now carried a brafs eighteen-pounder.
But as for modefty I'm fam'd,
No port-hole fhall by me be nam'd :
In fhort, he found himſelf afloat,
Completely chang'd into a boat!
The wind was fair, unfurl'd the fail,
Away he fcuds before the gale.
Scarce had he fail'd a league or two,
When Williamſtadt appear'd in view.
Alas ! the hungry flames devour
The humble roof, the lofty tow'r :
The favage French, ' midft fhow'rs of balls,
Advance to ſcale the ſhatter'd walls ;
But bang Mynheer let fly among ' em ,
And into fudden panic flung 'em ;
Happy the Frenchman who could 'ſcape
The eighteen-pounders, round and grape !
Hearing her huſband's cannon rattle,
The lady dreams fhe is in battle !
And quick as thought the mattress floats
The loyal Frow had op'd the fluices ;
And thus Dumourier fhe reduces,
And thus fhe drowns the Sans-culottes.
* This Jeu d'Efprit appeared immediately after the French had

been driven from Williamftadts by the joint means of fire and water.
TO
2.
( 72 )
P4
TO THE NETTLE.
"
VILE Weed, irafcible ! whene'er I view FA
Thy horrent leaves in circling points arife,
And know, that underneath each fibre lies
The keen receptacle of venom'd dew ; 16
And when I know, that if, with cautious fear,
I touch thy pow'r, it punithes my dread : VE
But if, with dauntless hand approaching near,
I grafp thee full and firm - that pow'r is dead
Thus as, with 'idainful thought, I view thy ftings,
Terrific to the coward wretch alone, E
Much do I meditate on Grandeur's throne
The awe of Subjects, and the might of Kings !
Like thee, they punish thoſe whom they appal ;
Like thee, when firmly grafp'd, to native nothing fall !
SEDITIOUS WORDS.
A CASE of great difficulty and importance lately

came before the Magiftrates of a neighbouring
county. A man was apprehended upon a charge of
having fpoken in his fleep feveral feditious and trea
fonable words of and concerning his Majefty and his
allies, now engaged in war with the French.
It appeared, by the oath of a man who lodged in
the fame garret with the prifoner, that the latter,
while he was faft afleep, fuddenly exclaimed, " D- n
the war and the Miniſtry-I don't care a fig for all the
Kings in Europe !"
This being a new cafe, gave birth to a very learned
argument between the Gentlemen of the Quorum af
fembled upon this occafion .
Mr. Juftice Drowfy faid, that he had heard as how
fleeping was a conftitutional right, and confequently
that a man had a right to dream ; for his part, ever
fince he had been one of the Quorum, he was a great
dreamer,
I
3
SEDITIOUS WORDS. 73
dreamer, but that he was too wife to talk politics in his
fleep; for he wasjuſt asſenſible and loyal when aſleep as
awake.
Another Juſtice faid, that " Sedition was fedition,
whether a man was afleep or awake !" He thought
the prifoner ought to be fent with Fifche Palmer to
Botany Bay for feven years, for he was fure that he
was equally guilty.
An old Magiftrate, who had ceaſed to act for fome
years, but whofe advice was folicited upon this occa
fion, recommended it to his learned brethren to proceed
with great caution in fo intricate a cafe ; for, he faid,
if it should be decided that a man was refponfible for
his fleeping acts, it would go to criminate many of the
first perfonages in the kingdom. There was great
reafon," continued he, " to believe that the people of
England were not awake when they confented to the
prefent war with France. His Grace of Richmond
was certainly napping when the Duke of York laid
fiege to Dunkirk ; and the Duke of Brunſwick's march
to Paris turned out to be nothing but a dream ; fo
likewife when men extol the wifdom, virtues, talents,
&c. of the preſent Adminiſtration, and mention the
juftice or policy of attempting to conquer France,
they mayjuftly be faid to be talking in theirſleep, and
nothing but the Minister's budget will be able to open
their eyes."
The prifoner was then called upon for his defence,
who faid, that he had no recollection of what he had
uttered ; but if he had offended their Worthips in his
Sleep, he would oblige them, now he was awake, by
drinking dn to Tom Paine and the Diffenters,
with as good a heart as Reeves's Committee, or the
Birmingham Magiftrates.
After the fubject had been fully argued, it was
propofed and agreed to refer the cafe to the opinions
VOL. I. E of
74 MEDICAL DEBATING SOCIETY.
of the Solicitor General and Mr. Sergeant Watſon,

it being hinted that the fomniferous fpeeches of thoſe
gentlemen, in St. Stephen's Chapel, left no doubt of
their being the best qualified to decide the question.
MEDICAL DEBATING SOCIETY.

[From the Gazetteer .]
Ta Medical Society at Edinburgh, a very violent
AT
debate took place on the following queſtion
" Utrum Morbus Gailicus an Morbus Regalis fit
corporiperniciofior ?"-i. ¿.
" Whether the French Difeafe or King's Evil be
moſt pernicious to the Conftitution ?"
Doctor Cantwell, a Phyfician well acquainted with
modern practice, but fuppofed to be attached to the
ancient doctrines of Paracelfus, the Empiric, took
the affirmative of the first part of this interefting
queſtion. The King's Evil, he faid, was a difeafe of
an indolent nature, acting almoft imperceptibly ; and
though it might at length attack the nobler parts, and
To those who have not had the advantage of hearing the Soli
citor General ſpeak, it may be neceffary to remark, that his elo
quence is not exactly the inuffling of an old woman ; nor does it quite
refemble the drone of a bagpipe out of tune. It is a kind of tertium
quod-fomething between both. All his fomniferous fpeeches in
St. Stephen's Chapel were much exceeded by his harangues on the
State trials, one of which lafted eleven hours! On Horne Tooke's
trial he was hardly lefs prolix ; which is faid to have made that
gentleman declare, that if it should be, his misfortune to be again
tried for high treafon, he would plead guilty, confidering hanging
as a much fmaller puniſhment than a long ſpeech from Mr. Solicitor
General . Much, however, of the latter's dulneſs and unintelligible
oratory is attributable to the falfe pofitions he finds it incumbent
on him to maintain ; for he is not altogether without the talents
which diftinguiſh his brother, the learned author of the Hiftory
of Greece ; nor is his epiftolary correspondence entirely deftitute of
wit.
defiroy
MEDICAL DEBATING SOCIETY. 75
deſtroy the conftitution, yet its effects might be compared

with the gradual operation of time, was little felt,
and left the patient a chance of attaining , old age
without any notable inconvenience ; whereas the
French Difcafe was attended with many inflammatory
fymptoms, acute pains, and difgufting circumftances.
It fhews itſelf," faid he, in a thoufand horrid
fhapes ; and, even after its virulence feems abated, it
breaks out in fome other place where leaft expected .
It is attended with a variety of other diforders,
and leaves the conftitution expoſed to the attacks of
fome d-d after- clap or other, to the end of its exiſt
ence." In fhort, he concluded, that the French Difeafe
was of the two much more pernicious to the conftitu
tion, more bafe in its origin, and more loathfome in
its appearance.
Dr. Theorem then rofe, and maintained the con
trary argument with great force, although he began.
with the graceful figure of conceffion. It was true,
he faid, that the conftitutions attacked by the King's
Evil, appeared prima facie to be healthy, and that the
very nature of the difeafe induced a florid and full
habit ; " but at the fame time, " added he, " foul
ulcers, and a maſs of corruption, are extending their
baneful influence within, and never fail at laſt to ftifle
every vital principle. It is befides hereditary in almoft
all cafes ; entails increafing mifchief upon future ge
nerations ; and though it may be momentarily pal
liated by a connexion with a more wholefome family, yet
it never fails to recur at the end of fome time, with
its former deſtructive energy. The French Difeafe, on
the contrary, admits of a perfect cure, by various
means. Perhaps the most effectual are what the
French themfelves call les grands remedes. In this
practice, it is ufual to begin with blood- letting, then
to give purgativer, and afterwards to adminifter ftrong
E 2 alteratives,
76 ANECDOTE FOR THE DOG- DAYS.
alteratives, according to the inveteracy of the diforder,

and to the circumftances of the cafe.
" This, however," continued Doctor Theorem,
" I think a dangerous method of operating, and do
not doubt but a cure may be effected by mild alteratives
alone, aided by cooling phyfic, and by the knife,
wherever any proud flesh may obftinately oppofe the
healing of the fore parts . As to the foul blotches,
which Doctor Cantwell thinks fuch an aggravation of
the malady, they generally proceed from the falutary
efforts made by the body to drive the virus from the
vital parts to the furface. Nay," concluded he,
66 many inftances have been known, in which this
complaint, confidered by the learned Doctor as more
pernicious to the conftitution than that dreadful diforder
the King's Evil, has cured itſelf by the vis medicatrix
Nature alone."
Here Doctor Cantwell rofe ; and though little
better than a Mountebank himſelf, called his brother
M. D. a Quack, and declared his opinions high-treafon
against the regular doctrines of the fchools. Doctor
Theorem retorted the charge ; the Society formed
themſelves into two parties, and were left pulling
wigs and nofes when our accounts came away.
ANECDOTE FOR THE DOG-DAYS.

IT has been faid that man is the only animal that
laughs ; but though dogs may not abfolutely laugh,
they are fometimes, like Falftaff, the cauſe of laughter
in others. The following circumftance, which hap
pened to Garrick in the early part of his life, is one
example :
One very fultry evening, in the dog-days, he per
formed the part of Lear ; in the four firft acts, he re
ceived
ANECDOTE FOR THE DOG- DAYS . 77
ceived the customary tribute of applaufe. At the
conclufion of the fifth, when he wont fection. 1 At
of Cordelia ugh the
This mterefting moment, to the aftoniſhment of all
prefent, his face affumed a new character, and his
whole frame appeared agitated by a new paffion ; it was
not tragic ; for- be was evidently endeavouring to
fupprefs a laugh ! In a few feconds, the attendant
Nobles appeared to be affected in the fame manner;
and the beauteous Cordelia, who was reclined upon a
crimson couch, opening her eyes to fee what occafioned
the interruption, leaped from her fofa ; and, with the
Majefty of England, the gallant Albany, and tough old
Kent, ran laughing off the ftage . The audience could
not account for this ftrange termination of a tragedy
in any other way than by fuppofing the dramatis per
fona were feized with a fudden" frenzy ; { but their
rifibility had a different fource.A fat Whitechapel
butcher, feated on the centre of the front bench in
the pit, was accompanied by his maftiff, who being
accuſtomed to fit on the fame feat with his mafter at
home, naturally fuppofed he might enjoy the like
privilege here. The butcher fat very back ; and the
quadruped finding a fair opening, got upon the bench,
and fixing his fore-paws on the rail of the orchestra,
peered at the performers with as upright a head, and
as grave an air, as the moft fagacious critic of his day.
Our corpulent Slaughter-man was made of meltingfluff
and not being accustomed to a playhoufe heat, found
himself much oppreffed by the weight of a large and
well- powdered Sunday periwig, which for the grati
fication of cooling and wiping his head, he pulled off,
and placed on the head of his mastiff. The dog being
in fo confpicuous, fo obtrufive a fituation , caught the
eye of Mr. Garrick, and the other performers. A
maftiff in a churchwarden's wigfor the butcher was
1
a parish officer was too much. It would have proz
E 3 voked
78 TO LORD CHATHAM .
voked laughter in Lear himſelf at the moment he was

moft
ww diftreffed ; no wonder then that it had fuch an
Laatative
TO LORD CHATHAM *,
MY LORD,
AM an old feaman, and learnt to hand, reef, and
1
fteer, at the time your father was at the helm of the
nation, and when you, as I take it, were hardly upon
the ftocks. So , do you fee, I have a mind to give you
a bit of advice. If you take it as you ought, why, fo
much the better for you and Old England . If you're
angry, you may pleaſe yourſelf again ; for I don't care
a Itale chaw of tobacco for the foul-weather looks of
any fair-weather Jack in the three kingdoms..
What I want you to do is , to turn out of your birth
at the Admiralty, and make room for ſomebody who
knows the cat- head from the capftern . I wonder what
lubber it was rated you able ! and what right you have
to know any thing of feafaring matters. You can ride,
I'm told; but do you know which is the beſt way to
ride out a gale of wind ? You are fond of Port, I hear ;
and fo are all freſh-water failors ; but I'll bet you a
round dozen, that you don't know the landmarks of
any port in Europe. You can fet a hundred pounds
upon a throw at hazard ; but can you fet up the main
rigging, and be d- d to you ? Not you, I'll anſwer
for it ; for unless you ' re d-n- bly belied, you're
only fit to lie water- logged in your hammock till three
* As Lord Chatham retired from the Admiralty a few days after

this letter appeared, it was fuppofed to have been the cauſe of his
giving up his poft. It is, at any rate, certain, that he was at great
pains to find out the Admiral ; meaning, no doubt, to reward him,
if not to recall an Officer of fuch energetic character to active fer
Tice; but the good veteran's modefty defeated his kind intentions.
17 or
TO LORD CHATHAM. 79
or four o'clock P. M. when the time for working your
day's work is over t.
It's no wonder, then, if every thing goes to leeward ;
if the French pick up our merchantmen, and fcour the
Channel, the Bay, and the North Sea, with a few fri
gates, while half the fhips we have in commiffion are
enough to blow their whole navy out of the water.
We told them another-guife ftory laft war. If any .
of the Mounfeers dared to pop out of port then, we
foon fhewed them the way into our harbours. Was
not I with Commodore Elliot when we took all Thu
rot's fquadron, after a brifk action of feven glaffes ?
D-mme ! we laid them clofe alongfide, and did not
fire a gun till we could fee the white of their eyes. It
would have done any body good to be there. In
that engagement I loft three fingers, my hearing, and
an iron-bound hat.
Thofe were glorious days for Old England ! We
have not feen fuch a long while, and I'm afraid we
never fhall again. But the First Lord of the Admi
ralty, in thoſe days, was no lubber ; and fhips were
given to your fine, old, rough-fpun fellows, with hard
faces, that could ftand all weathers ; and not to the
puny fons and baftards of Noblemen, who are fea- fick,
and come fkulking into port whenever it blows a cap
full of wind.
Now, don't you go for to fancy, becauſe I ſay this,
that I'm one of the old difappointed Captains, who
have been plying to windward for thefe two years paft,
without getting a fhip.-Not I.-I was laid upon the
+ His Lordship is faid to play and drink equally deep ; to eat broiled
beef-bones at three or four o'clock in the morning ; and to lie a-bed
till three or four in the afternoon. It is faid alfo, that the accident
which the Admiral feems to allude to, by the word water-logged,
happens now and then. As to riding, it is well known that perfons
who called on official bufinefs, even at ten o'clock at night, were
regularly told—that his Lordſhip was gone to take a ride !
E 4 fhelf
$0 THE DROMEDARY AND RHINOCEROS.
fhelf at the beginning of the last peace, becauſe I had

too much fpirit to cringe to a Lord of the Admiralty.
And even if I was not fuperannuated, before I'd
dance attendance upon you, as fome of my old meff
mates do every day, till four or five o'clock in the af
ternoon, while you lie hulking in bed, d- n me ! if I
would not get a jigger-tackle upon you, bowfe your out
of your hammock, and flog you through lubber's
hole with the thick end of a rope.
Hungerford Coffeehouse, A YELLOW ADMIRAL .
1 Dec. 1 .
THE DROMEDARY AND RHINOCEROS..

A FABLE .
ARHINOCEROS Upon themet a Dromedary

road,
Sweating beneath his load,
Over-burden'd, faint, and weary ;
Ready to drop,
He made a stop : F
When thus the pamper'd flave,
Like many a great man's knave,
In language rude addreſt
The free-born Beaſt
" Confound your fnout,
Turn out!
Without more fufs ;
Quick ! leave this track, I fay
'Twas made by man for us ;
"T is call'd ' the Camel's Way.'
I ſhould have thought my breeding and appearance
Would, without verbal interference,
Have made a fimple look my right convey,
Behold this plumage on my head ;
See this rich houfing o'er my buttocks fpread,
That gracefully defcends on either fide ;
Whilft you, poor Sans-culotte,
One rag have not,
Your nakedneſs to hide :
By
THE DROMEDARY AND RHINOCEROS.
By men we're fought, well lodg'd, and fed,

Like their own children, with white bread ; > ‫ܐܐ‬
But your vile, worthlefs race,
They from their cities chafe berger
In this true wifdom ' s fhewn,
For well 't is known, 51 477 >
Subordination you would deem difgrace,,. DAY
While we in all their towns make our abode :
Turn out, mad leveller, and yield to me the road. ”
To this fad ftuff our Democrat
Cried " Hold your jaw !
Your lofty head with plumy pride,
And the rich houfing on your fide,
From me no envy draw ;
Befides, I view
The bridle too !
And then, that load this tru.h does loudly tell
" Freedom's the price you ' ve paid for living well !,
For ev'ry favour man was pleas'd to grant.'
24 :
Nature defign'd your timid race ſhould be
To men fubfervient, forni'd to bow the knee ; ་་
Vain fool ! your trappings I can never want,
Content with health, with love, and liberty.
Pray, feel my pointed horn;
Now, don't diffemble→→
Think you that I was born
(What makes you tremble ?)
Mankind to ſerve, or that curſt race to ſcorn ?
Examine next my ſkin GAS
'Tis bullet-proof ::
No wonder hunters keep aloof,
Nor hope to win
The battle fairly:
They fend their miffile weapons from afar,
Nor dare a cloſe, courageous war ;
But men are fam❜d for wit, 1
And they fometimes, though rarely,
Trap us with a PIT:
E'en then the free-born mind all danger braves ;
We'd fooner yield to death than fink to flaves ;
E S But
82 PICTURE OF LONDON .
But you were meant for hacks,
Born, as ye are, with faddles on your backs :
Here, coxcomb, take your road !
Expos'd, from this delay, to feel the laſh and goad. ”
T. W.
" What is the city but a great tame beaft, that eats
and carries, and cares not who rides it ?"
Killing no Murder --By Col. Titus.
Aug. 12 .
PICTURE OF LONDON.
IMITATED FROM THE FRENCH .
[From the Morning Chronicle ]
"C
EVERY body knows, " fays a very elegant writer,
in one of the Paris journals, " that Paris is re
garded in two points of view very different ; and that
the perfpective depends lefs on the poſition of the ob
ferver than on his digeftion. " What this writer fays
of the Tableau de Paris, holds equally true of the
Picture of London. We fhall parody his drawing.
He who digefts, in company with a fine woman, an
excellent dinner at Grenier's, at two guineas per head,
perceives with reaſon- that every thing goes well.—
Things take, in his eyes, the colour of his mistress's
cheeks.
The theatres are delightful, the performers excel
lent.
The fongs at the Opera are admirable. The Banti,
the Rofe, the Hilligfberg, the Parifot divine !
The markets abound with the choiceft fish , and
poultry, and every luxury of life.
Every department of ftate is conducted with care,
activity, and wifdom ; and the minifters are angels
fent from heaven.
Notes of accommodation paſs like Bank-paper.
There
PICTURE OF LONDON. 83
There was a difpute who ſhould have the honour to

lend eighteen millions to Government, and parties are
actually quarrelling about a preference in laying out
millions upon fchemes.
The young men are eager to go to the Weft Indies,
as if it were to a party of pleafure.
The Jacobins are all fuppreffed, and the mouth of
Sedition is fhut.
All the taverns are full, as if wine was at half- a
crown per bottle.
All the men are now loyal and fatisfied; A and liberal
rewards are given for fervice to the ftate.-All the
women are beautiful and elegant.
We have plenty of money-plenty of men ; we ſhall
beat the French into fubmiffion, and force them to
make peace " Shall we not, my love ?"
He embrases his love, yawns, ftretches himſelf, cloſes:
his eyes and falls afleep.
But, alas ! while this happy Sybarite is rocked with
thefe agreeable images, what fad and gloomy vifions
rife in the mind of that man, who, having but one
penny-loaf of mixed bread, and a pound of boiled
potatoes, to fatisfy himfelf, his wife, and three chil
dren, dreads every inftant the entry of his landlord, or
of a tax-gatherer, to take from him his bed, table, and
couple of chairs, and turn him and his infants into
-
the ftreets, or into a gaol !
" Formerly," faid he, with a heart-felt figh, " I
could by my labour earn a fufficient fubfiftence for my
family.
" I could buy my loaf for eight-pence ; my wife
had the pot upon the fire every day, and we had a joint
of roast meat upon Sunday.
" I could afford now and then a pint of beer; and
porter was really worth drinking.
" Now I have neither victuals nor clothes ; and it is
not only for myſelf that I have to grieve, but all my
E 6 neighbours
84 PICTURE OF LONDON.
neighbours are equally ruined, and we have no hope of

better times.
" For the rich feem reſolved to ruin the nation .
66
They crowd to the theatres ; and they talk of
nothing but operas and plays, and gaming, and ex
penfe.
" The common neceffaries of life are beyond our
reach ; the loaf is 15d. beef 8d. and butter 14d. per
pound.
" In every office under Government there is nothing
but careleffnefs and want of forefight ; and Minifters
were furely fent to us for a curfe.
" There is nothing to be feen but paper; and Loan
jobbers and Contractors are quarrelling who fhall rob
s.
" They are fending thouſands of men to their graves
in the inhofpitable climate of the Weft Indies ; and
they have put a padlock upon our mouths, while all the
adherents of the Minifter are getting finecures and
penfions !
" We have neither men nor money left, and yet
we are to go on with the war, coſt what it may ; and 3
God knows when we fhall have a peace !"
He looked at his wife with a dejected countenance ;
fnatched each of his infants, one after the other, to
wards him ; and, as they looked wiftfully into his face,
-
be wiped the tear ofparental anguishfrom his eye.
Ja
" Come, come, John, " faid his wife, " let us hope
for better times. In the mean time, you know that you
have yourſelf partly to blame ; you was for the war, like
all the reft ; you would vote at the Veftry, becauſe the
Churchwardens afked you. What bufinefs had we
with the French ?-But, come, fee how the children
look up into your face : they are quite ftarving. Let
us eat our potatoes before they are quite cold.-- I wiſh :
we had a morfel of butter to them !"
ANECDOTE.
4
( 85 )
ANECDOTE.
SIR William Dawes, Archbishop of York, was very
fond of a pun. His clergy dining with him , for
the first time after he had loft his lady, he told them,
he feared they did not find things in fo good order as
they uſed to be in the time of poor Mary ; and, looking
extremely forrowful, added, with a deep figh-" She
was, indeed, Mare pacificum !" A curate, who pretty
well knew what ſhe had been, called out-" Ay, my
Lord, but fhe was Mare mortuum firſt." Sir William
gave him a living of 200l. per annum within two
months.
SPORTING INTELLIGENCE,
FROM THE SEA - SIDE.
A PARTNER in a banking - houfe, who lives near

enough to the abode of our facetious firft Ma
giftrate, to nofe his Lordship's kitchen whenever turtle**
is the order of the day, was very lately at a fmall wa
tering-place on the coaft of Effex. Being in the coun-"
try, he determined to partake of its fports ; and, for
the firft time in his life, to have a day's fhooting,
" When we are at Rome, " faid the Cit, 66 we muſt do
as they does at Rome."
A vulgar ſportſman , fuch as a country ' Squire, or
a rufticated Nobleman, fets off on foot, or at beft on a
fhooting poney, in purfuit of his game. A city Cræfus
difdains fuch fimplicity. Accordingly our Banker,
with a merchant for his companion, got into his
phaeton, took the pointers he had borrowed into the
carriage, and ordered his fervants in livery to follow
him.
The
86 SPORTING INTELLIGENCE .
The dogs, who had never been uſed to fuch a

fashionable ftyle of travelling, foon began to fhew
fymptoms of uncafinefs, and even of an inclination to
defert. They were detained, however, in part by 20
careffes, and partly by force, till they had very nearly
reached the fcene of action ; when, by a violent and
unanimous effort, they all jumped out, and ran home,
except one, who was perfuaded to follow by the fer
vants behind. But even he might as well have gone
with the reft ; for hardly had they hunted three fields
over, when the obftinate brute ftopped all of a fudden,
to the great furprife and chagrin of the city fportfmen.
They hallooed him on ; they whiftled to him ; but
nothing could make him move. It was very provoking,
they faid ; they never faw a dog fo reftive in their
lives. So, taking a whip from a domeftic, they
began to belabour the refractory Carlo, who darted
into the convey, and away went the birds.
Before the Banker could recover from the alarm oc
cafioned by the flapping of their wings, take up his
gun and cock it, the partridges were out of fight.
Thefe were all he faw that day; nor could he fufficiently
regret the bad behaviour of the dog. If he had not
ftopped," faid the Banker, " thould have fired into
the thick of the brood, and killed one half of them."
His companion made no doubt but he fhould have:
killed the reft.
On his return to his carriage, the Man ofManey de
termined to try his fkill at fome fparrows on a dung
hill. He fhut his eyes ; and before he could open them
again to count the dead fparrows, a pig, which was
lying under the ftraw, and which he had fhot in the
head, came running out, and laid itfelf at his feet,
fqueaking moft horribly in the agonies of death ..
And out came the farmer's men with flails and pitch
forks ; and out came the farmer's dog, and feized
him
SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. 87
him by the coat ; and out came the farmer himſelf,
and took him by the collar.
Perceiving himſelf thus befet, the Banker offered
an honourable compofition ; but when he found that
no lefs a fum than three guineas was demanded, he
demurred, and faid, that a pig of equal fize might be
purchaſed for lefs money in London. His companion,
however, obferving that pigs were more plentiful in
Leadenhall market than in the country, the money
was produced ; and the farmer, and the farmer's men,
and the farmer's dog, retired to their refpective ken
nels.
It is the quality of a great mind not to be eafily dif
couraged. The Banker, therefore, reloaded his piece ;
and ere he had proceeded far, hearing a ruſtling in the
hedge, he let fly at a venture. The report of the gun
was immediately followed by cries of 66 Good lack
I'm fhot ! As Got fhall have me, I'm fhot !" It
was a Jew, who had been making a facrifice, which
was not that of the Pafchal lamb, and who, at the
cloſe of it, while employed in plucking up grafs,
" and fhrubs of broader leaf, and more commodious,
received a large portion of the charge in that part
where, according to Butler,
06 — -A kick hurts honour more,
Than deepeſt wounds receiv'd before."
As the Banker had never feen a magpie in the city.

that did not fpeak, he ſuppoſed that the whole fpecies
was naturally loquacious, and made no doubt but be
had killed one of thofe talkative birds. " I have fhot
a magpie," faid he to his companion, and off he ran
to pick up his game ; when, in the paffage of the
hedge, he was met face to face by the furious Ifraelite.
Seeing him in the nakednefs of a Sans-culotte, and
bleeding from flank to flank, the Banker ftarted back
in fpeechlefs horror. The " circumcifed dog" purfued
and
88 APOLOGY.
and took him by the throat, fwearing, by the God of

Mofes,that he would have blood for blood. This dreadful
threat he enforced by the most fanguinary arguments
àpofteriori, and would probably have realized it, if the
Banker's friend had not offered him " egregious ran
fom." At the firft mention of money, the bleeding
member of the half- tribe of Manajeb relaxed his
gripe, examined the paper that was tendered to him
by the Banker, and retired well fatisfied, when he
found that it was a check upon Meffrs. Fofter, Lubbock,“
and Bofanquet.
[ By a fingular coincidence, it happened that one of the part."
ners in the firm mentioned incidentally at the end of the above
article, had been on an excursion to South End, in Effex ; and,^
as it should feem, had met with fimilar Sport. Which partner
it was we cannot inform our readers. Perhaps the well- known
Latin precept, " In medio tutiffimus ibis," may ferve them as a
guide. However this may be, he came to the printing- office in
a rage little lefs dreadful than the Jew's ; but fortunately he did
not bring his fowling-piece with him, or it is poffible that, in
attempting to fhoot the Editor, he might have killed the
Printer's Devil, or the printing - prefs. For fear of fome fuch
horrible accident, the following very fatisfactory Apology ap-/
peared in the Gazetteer a day or two after: ]
APOLOGY.
WE fome days fince gave our readers an account

of a day's fhooting on the fea-coaft . The
principal ſportſman is one of our friends ; and being,
as the French term it, a man, qui entend raillerie, he
gave us permiflion to relate the whimsical accidents he
met with in the courfe of his amufement. It not
being in every one's power to divert the public, he
was glad to afford a laugh, even at his own expenfe,
efpecially as no blame can attach to mere mifchances ;
and as, all things confidered, he had ſome reaſon to
be proud, not having miffed a ſingle ſhot, though he
had never fhot before.
We little thought that the miſapplication of this
innocent
BATTLE OF ST. AMAND . 89
innocent ftory would expofe us to remonftrances.
Such, however, we have received, and of fo wrathful
a tenour, that there is reafon to fear, left
" The children yet unborn fhould rue
The SHOOTING of that day."
As we did not mention the name of the perfonage,
and as the great number of Bankers who refide in the
vicinity of the Mansion Houfe, left a wild field for
conjecture, it is rather ſtrange, that any one thould have
wrongfully placed this fancied ridicule upon himſelf.
Thefirm of a refpectable houfe was cafually introduced,
it is true, but only to fay, that its paper was deemed a
fatisfactory compenfation by the wounded Ifraelite,
which is paying as high a compliment to the credit
of a commercial eftablishment, as can well be ima
gined . We can therefore only fuppofe, that this
miſunderſtanding has arifen from fome other city
gentleman's having met with the fame accident as our
friend ; although it is almoft incredible, that two
perfons fhould each have fhot a pig and a few. If,
however, the gentleman who thinks himſelf aggrieved ,
will come forward, and fay, that he really met with
fuch mifchances during his trip to the water-fide, we
will readily name him ; and affure the public, that ,
though he shot a pig and a Jew , it was not he who
fhot the pig and the Few that we spoke of...
ON READING THE ACCOUNT OF THE BATTLE

OF ST . AMAND . "
GENIUS of Britain ! was it thou
From whom th' admiring nations caught
That fenfe of right, that patriot glow,
That love of fcience, force of thought,
Which o'er Oppreffion's face diffuſe
Guilt's wild paleneſs, Terror's dews ?
Genius
90 BATTLE OF ST. AMAND.
Genius of Britain ! is it thou
To whom the vales of Gallia fair,
The beauteous banks of Delaware,
•
Their dearest, beſt of plants, the plant of Freedom owe ?
It was not thou ! --the hand which fow'd
Would ne'er with impious hate have ſtriv❜n
To blast the boon its love beſtow'd,
Thoſe bloffoms dear to Man and Heav'n.
The natural mother will not fo
Direct the murderous, defperate blow
Against the offspring of her womb,
As when acroſs th' Atlantic wave,
Thy veteran legions, vainly brave,
Were fent to crush the birth they idoliz'd at home.
It is not thou !-From Amand's wood,
What means the dire, conflicting found ?
Angels of mercy ! -is it blood
Which dies fo dreadfully the ground ?
What mighty motive has thus join'd
The butchers fierce of human kind,
The luft of power, or luft of ſpoil ?
Say, whence the murderous frenzy ſprings !
Is this the fav'rite game of Kings * ?
Are theſe the blefſt effects of confecrating oil ?
But who are thoſe whofe timely aid
The routed ranks of Slavery cheers,
'Midſt hoſt of tremblers undifinay'd ?
My country !-do they call thee theirs ?
" Ah! who are thefe," exclaims the hoft
Of patriots, in amazement loſt :
" Can Freemen -Freemen wiſh t'inthrall ?"
Their botoms heave with generous throes,
Their hearts refufe to call them foes,
And not a Briton drops, but France bewails his fall † !
* War is a game that, were their ſubjects wife,
Kings would not play at." COWPER.
It is a fact, that when the French, at the affair of St. Amand,
faw the red coats of the English troops, of a nation they were in
clined to love, before this horrible war broke out-they cried out,
with a mixture of furpriſe and commiferation-" What is it brings
thefe gallant Englishmen here, to fight againſt the defenders of li
berty and of their country?? "
Source
ODE ON WESTMINSTER ABBEY. 91
Source of all guilt and all diftrefs !

Detefted War ! whate'er thy plea,
The vot'ries of the Prince of Peace
No fellowſhip can have with thee.[
Dut when to introduce again
Oppreflion's harpits, Clavory'e chain,
And Superftition's glozing crew ;
When, to perpetuate vice and woe,
Thou bid'ft the ſtreams of crimson flow,.
What words, invented yet, can paint th' abhorrence due ?
Sweet Mufe of Hiftory ! as thy art
The lamentable fcene difplays,
I fee the workings of thy heart,
I feel the lightning of thy phraſe !
Oh ! hide it, hide it, Mufe fublime,
Where the keen eye of future Time
The difmal record ne'er may find :
Nor in the number of the year
Let that opprobrious day appear,
When Freemen join'd the league of Courts against Man
kind !
COLONUS.
ODE ON WESTMINSTER ABBEY.

WRITTEN BY COLLINS : NOT FOUND IN
V HIS WORK6,17
HERE fleep the brave, who fink to rett,

By all their country's wiſhes bleft !
When Spring, with dewy fingers cold, ?
Returns to deck their hallow'd mould,
She there fhall dreſs a ſweeter fod
Than Fancy's feet have ever trod.
By fairy hands their knell is rung,
By forms unfeen their dirge is fung:
Then Honour comes, a pilgrim gray,
To bless the turf that wraps their clay
And Freedom fhall awhile repair,
To dwell a weeping hermit there.
A SAILOR'S
( 92 )"
A SAILOR'S LETTER.
[From the Morning Chronicle:]
YOUR Honour must know that I am juft returned

from a long voyage ; and chat, on my coming
ahore, I met my old meffmate, Jack Spritfail, under a
jury-maft, he having had his ftarboard prop carried
away in fome fight with the French, under my old
Commodore Howe, in which, it feems, the Mounfeers
were fwinged. Jack has given me a mefs of news ; but
I cannot believe half of it, unleſs I hear it confirmed
by your Honour. When I fet fail, the English army
had taken the Dutch in tow , with fome other out
landiſh fellows, who , I think , are called Auftrians
and Pruffians ; they had run down the French army,
and upfet Landrecies, a place which ftood in their
way, and were getting ahead at the rate of nine
knots an hour, on their march to fome fresh-water port,
which I think they call Paris. Now Jack tells me that
I had no fooner cleared the land, than the French, un
der Mounfeer Pichegru, fteered feveral points from the
wind at firft ; but prefently luffed up, and broke the
line at Menin and Courtray that the Duke of York
was obliged to back his fails ; and that, when he came
alongfide the French , they made him broach to , and
almoft fet him on his beam-ends ; that the Duke .
fheered off; and that the French fteered directly after
him all the way into Holland, giving him feveral
broadfides by the way ; and that they have recaptured
Valenciennes, Condé, and all the Duke's other prizes .
Jack alfo tells me, that fome ftrange things have
happened at home ; as how that the Habeas Corpus
Act , which2 is the main-maft of English liberty, has
*
been fprung; and that Mr. Pitt, our head boatswain ,
has thrown Horne Tooke, and feveral of his old meff
mates, into limbo . Theſe things are all fo ftrange,
that I know not how to believe them till they are con
firmed
A DIALOGUE. 93
firmed byyou; but as your Honour knows of every
thing that is afloat, I hope you will fend me a line at
the Bowl of Grog. Let me know whether you think
the Duke of York will be able to repair his damages,
and tack about again. I hope to make another voyage
at the prefent high wages.
I am your humble fervant to command,
JOHN OAKUM.
A DIALOGUE.
The Alarmifts .
Do you not fee thofe + men upon the heath -A
ftrange, four-looking gang, with a parfon at
their head. 11
John Bull. I think I do ; but I am ſomewhat near
fighted .
Alarmifts. There have been many robberies com
mitted on this heath formerly.
John Bull. So I am told.
Alarmifts. You heard of the terrible fire laſt night
overthe river at Gaulftown ?
John Bull I did.
Alarmifts. A moft fhocking fact-ſuppoſed to have
been fet on fire by the gipfies. There was horrid
plundering and murdering; and feveral women and
children found roafted in the rubbiſh .
John Bull. Indeed !
Alarmifts (fignificantly) . Thofe people must be the
very gipfies.
John Bull. They are coming this way, fure enough .
Alarmifts. Highwaymen of the worst fort ! You had
better be upon your guard. Houfebreakers, footpads,
pickpockets, fortunetellers, all in one ! There are
feveral foreign ruffians come over lately to join them.
John Bull. I have a deal of property about me.
Alarmifts.
94 CHINESE LETTER.
Alarmifts. The foldiers are very near ; we had better

fee them to stand by us.
John Bull. Ay, do, do. 00 f
A By-ftander. Really, Sir, there is no danger.
John Bull. No danger, wretch ! I fuppofe you are
in league with the rogues. Precaution is always pru
dence.
Alarmifts (feverally) . Let me take charge of your
watch , Sir - Give me your gold, Sir. - I'll keep your
pocket -book- theſe bank- notes are better deftroyed,
Sir.-Will you not take out your buckles too ?
John Bull. You are really very kind, Gentlemen
but now I begin to fee the men plainer, I think I know
them. O yes, perfectly. They are only the people
#
that come from the Dipper's meeting. You may re
turn me my property, Gentlemen .
Alarmifts. That, Sir, is impoffible ; ' tis all difpofed
of.
John Bull. Difpofed of! How difpofed of? I might
as well have given it to thofe poor fellows. 'Tis all
one to me whom I am robbed by.
Alarmifts. True, Sir ; but it is not all one to us.
CHINESE LETTER.
FROM FI-TI-LI, IN LONDON, TO HIS FRIEND LING
*
CHING-SING, AT PEKIN ·
Tranflatedfrom the Original.
Ling- ching- fing, my Friend,
IA AM forry that I cannot give thee a more favourable
account of theſe iflanders than what thou wilt find
in this letter. I expected to meet with a very poliſhed
* 211
This letter appeared a few days after Lord Howe's victory on the
If ofJune. 1.
people ;
CHINESE LETTER. 952
people ; but I fear they are far, very far indeed, from a
ftate of civilization . One of their principal marks of
barbarifm is their fondneſs for war ; for I underſtand
that they are always either engaged in hoftilities with
fome nation or other, or employed in preparations to
attack their neighbours.
In this their paffion there is one thing very curious ;
which is, that at the beginning of a war, they always
think it the fineſt, the moſt glorious, and the moſt ne
ceffary thing in the world : but, at the end offeven or
eight years, and by the time they have ſpent all their
money, they begin to fcratch their heads, and to dif
cover that they have been fighting about they know not
what, or at beſt about fome bubble that they have loft
fight of during the conteſt.
The fun has now performed one great revolution and
a half fince the governors of this ifland, which is the
corn-market of half Europe, forbade their fubjects to
fell any wheat to a neighbouring nation called the
French. They faid they were very kindly difpofed to
wards the French ; they did not mean them any harm;
they only wished to ftarve them. This the French,
however, did not underſtand ; and, added to fome other
provocations, it brought on a war between the two
countries, which continues to be carried on with the
greateſt fury.
A few days ago, news was brought, that their fleet
had fought with that of the enemy, and had taken fix
of their great war-junks. I thought that, upon the ob
taining of fuch an advantage, they would have gone
quietly, as we ſhould do in China, to compliment and
congratulate their friends, and that they would have af
terwards retired to reft with a mixed fentiment of plea
fure and pain ; for the damaged junks of the French
were purchaſed with the blood of a thouſand of their
countrymen. But, inftead of that, for three fucceffive,
nights, they ran about the ſtreets, fhouting and roaring.
like
SE ER
96 CHINE LETT .
like madmen ; letting off fire-pans of all fizes ; firing

crackers, which they learned to make ofus Chineſe ; and
breaking the windows, and fetting fire to the houſes of
the more peaceable inhabitants *. What aftoniſhed me
moft was, that, during the whole three nights, their go 14
vernment made no attempt to check this riot and de 10
vaftation : and yet (would you believe it, Ling-ching
fing ? ) theſe iſlanders fwear they will not lay down
their arms, till the French fhall accept a government
of their making !
They fay, indeed, as an excufe for the inactivity of
their magiftrates, that the windows broken belong to
thoſe who are diffatisfied with the abuſes that exift in the
country. Now, ought they not rather to have broken the
windows of thoſe degenerate men who arefatisfied with
abufes ? But every thing in this country runs counter
to the current of plain ſenſe and reafon . In China, as
thou knoweft, when any diſcontent arifes, the Emperor
inquires into its caufe, and orders the Mandarins to be
puniſhed, who have oppreffed his children, or infringed
their rights. Here, when a great part of the nation com
plains that the Mandarins of ftate have affumed more
power than belongs to them, and encroached upon the
rights of the people, what means doft thou think that
they take to cure the difcontent ?-Why, the great
Mandarins affume more powers, and encroach ſtill
further upon the rights of the people ! Now, is not
this very ftrange, Ling- ching-fing, my friend ?
When I left Pekin, thou defiredſt me to make inquiry
intothe nature ofthe religion profeffed bythefe iflanders.
My fmall acquaintance with their barbarous idiom has
not yet permitted me to inveftigate this matter fo pro
foundly as I could wiſh ; but I much fear that they are
Among others, the houfe of Earl Stanhope was attacked ; the

windows were broken, and an attempt made to fet it on fire, by a
Church and King mob.
addicted
A VINDICATION, & c. 97
addicted to the groffeft Polytheism . It is true, I have

not heard them pofitively admit the exiſtence of more
than two or three gods ; but I have found, by my own
obfervation, that they have a great number of deities,
whom they invoke upon any fudden emergency or dif.
after fuch as their god Cur-fit, and their god Sin-kit.
Their moſt favourite deity, however, feems to be the
god Dam-mee ; and, if their having him for ever in
their mouths be a fign of devotion , the English are the
moft pious people in the univerſe.
May the one and only God, the great Tien, preferve
thee, and fend thee male children, Ling- ching-fing,
myfriend ! FI-TI-LI.
A VINDICATION
OF THE KING OF GREAT BRITAIN FROM AN ODIOUS
COMPARISON WITH THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES.
!
SEMPER ego auditor tantum numquamne reponam
Swelling with indignation, I have read, in a late pa
per, letters from a dangerous and wicked correfpondent,
ftating our glorious conftitution to be the fame- with
a few deviations, as he expreffes it--as a fanatical Tranf
atlantic republic , which, he fays, has tranfplanted every
ufeful root-and, among the reft, the Habeas Corpus
of our conftitution ; leaving us, of courſe, nothing but
the branches. This fcholaftic perfon I muft refute,
after the Socratic mode, by a few plain fhort interro
gatories, fuch as true loyalty fuggefts to me : for, with
refpect to his " New People" " Growing Govern
ments".-" Permanent Eftates"-" Standing Coun
cils"- " Hereditary Effences" --and fuch-like perfu
mery and haberdashery, I leave him to retail them to
his own customers, who are probably more intelligent
in fuch wares than I pretend or defire to be.
VOL. I. F I will
C ATION
98 A VINDI , & c.
I will begin with what they call a Prefident ; whona

this correfpondent ftates to be within one step of the
throne. How impudent the very idea !
Is their Prefident the fovereign Lord of America ?
Are the lands his gift, and the people his fubjects ?
Do we there hear of the Prefident's highway ? the
Prefident's peace ? or has he homage, fealty, and alle
giance, fworn to him ?
Is he not deprived of the glory of quelling fedition ;
putting down treaſon ; and annihilating infurrection
becaufe none exift ? Why do they not exift in Ame
rica, as well as here ? • Has not America been chiefly
peopled by the dregs of our community-the convicts,
and the factious Diffenters ?
What wholefome reftraint has he over the licen
tioufnefs of the prefs ? What fort of a poltroon is his
attorney general, if he has one ?
Has he the right of bringing in Heffians, Swifs, or
British troops, and of hiring 120,000 Auftrians, and
62,000 Pruffians, to fupport rational liberty - i . e. his
own authority ?
Has he Exchequer-bills, mitres, and coronets, at
his difpofal ?
Would any young Waſhington get 100,000l. per
annum, for marrying, and his debts paid, over and
over, and every timeFthe laft ?
Has he the power to diffolve the Congreſs, and create
hereditary fenators without end ?
Does he nominate fheriffs, and of courfe juries, to
try thofe who murmur against his infallibility ?
Is he head of the church ? or, indeed, is there any
eftablished church ? and, if not, can there be any re
ligion in that ill-
fated country ?
Has he a parliament of his own to fupplicate him for
liberty ofſpeech ?
Can he make war or peace, even with the moſt defpi
cable horde upon the frontier of that degraded ration ?
Where
4
A VINDICATION , &c. 99 .
Where are the monuments of his magnificent pa
tronage ? whom has he raiſed to immenfe opulence, by
means of multiplying places ? which of his minifters
enjoy 20 or 30,000l. per annum , for complying with
his wiſhes ?
Could he make in time of war, a firft Lord of the
Admiralty of a man who does not know the jib-boom
from the hen- coop, nor the South Sea from Loch
Lomond ?
Has he royal fish ? If a sturgeon comes upon the
coaft, does he get the whole of it ? if a whale, is it
enough that he gets the head, and his wife the tail for
whalebone ? For with us
Defturgeone obfervet quod rex illum habebit integrum :`
de balena vero fufficit, fi rex habeat caput et regina cau
dam.-Pryn. Aur. Reg. 127.
What has a Prefident to make him refpected by the
vulgar mafs ? How many millions of money does he
get, to diftinguish him from other men ? How many
palaces has he ? How many battle- axes, kettle-drum
mers, trumpeters, pages, equerries, &c. attend him on
ftate-days ? Who carries the fword of ftate and cap
of maintenance ?
Is he not-fo far from holding the fovereignty in
contempt ofthe people-electedperiodically on account
of his capacity, employed to perform certain duties,
and remunerated like a clerk ?
Does he live for ever ? Can he do no wrong ? On
the other hand, is he not refponfible to the loweſt of
the rabble for every act of his adminiſtration ?
Is not the Prefident fubject to be tried before the
Senate, which may turn him out of his office, and
difqualify him from ever holding any place of honour,
truft , or profit ? and may he not afterwards be indicted
and puniſhed according to law for the very fame offence ?
Can he get a bill of attainder paffed, or can he by
any means work a corruption of blood ?
F 2 Can
100 1 A VINDICATION , & c ,
Can all his influence, in or out of his mock Parlia

ment, extend fo far as to protect our holy religion
from Atheiſts, Deifts, Pagans, Mahometans, Papifts,
or Prefbyterians, by the impofition of a falutary teft ?
Instead of being fovereign lord of all, is he not the
fervant of all ?
Has he a Senate compofed of members who trace
their honours to the conqueft of their country, to the
holy crufades, and to the bounty of ancient fovereign
lords, his royal predeceffors ? Has he a royal magic to
communicate the fame hereditary virtues to the ignoble,
but rich ?
Has he a Senate, with " eccentric privileges," to be
hereditary counsellors and judges ? Has he any holy
men in that Senate, with long fleeves and mitres, to
repreſent tithes as the fine qua non of true religion ?
Has he any gentleman- uthers of the back- ftairs, lords
in waiting, black-rods, and gold- fticks, deliverers of
greens, and grooms of the ftole, legiſlating in that
fenate ?
What fort of Houfe of Commons has he ? Can
he influence elections ? Has be any clofe and pot
wallopping boroughs, where no property is the quali
fication, to oppofe to county elections, where property
is requifite ?
What does a feat in his Reprefentative Houfe fell for
GOO
at the market ? D Is it not fo defpicable, that, inftead of
paying four thousand pounds, the members of it, as
well as of the Senate, are fo beggarly as to receive
daily wages from the people for drudging through the
bufinefs ?
Are their privileges undefined, and only to be known
by an intricate debate among themfelves, and not to
be mentioned with impunity by any other ?
Does that fcurvy people receive any money or pre
ferment for their votes at elections ? Is there any glory
in fuch unbought votes ?
Did
A VINDICATION , & c. 101
Did not our glorious conftitution grow from beneath

the throne of William the Conqueror, except fome
deviations adopted from the Saxons ; and was not the
clumfy pile of American republicanifm built by the
hard hands of the fanatical rabble ? And is it not at the
mercy of the giddy people, as often as they chooſe, to
after or abolish, as they may think proper ? whereas,
our conftitution is not only perfect , but immortal and
unperithable.
Finally, is not Waſhington a republican, and is not
America a republic ? Who then is he, that will dare
to compare that vile fyftem, unhallowed by the pyri
midical orders of civilized fociety, and unfanctified by
time, with our firm , but mild- fimple, but mixed
ancient, once perfect , but ftill improving, and now
full-grown limited Monarchy ?
Now, Mr. Editor, I take my leave of you for the
prefent ; but let me warn your infidious correfpondent
(whom I plainly difcover to be a concealed Jacobin)
not to vilify our King and his kingdom, under the
thin veil of love for a conftitution, of which he ap
pears grofsly ignorant, by comparing it to an unfledged
Republic. After this caution, fhould he ſtill perfevere,
let the law take its courfe ; and although there is no
danger of his dying a " Martyr to Liberty," he may
yet be convinced, to his aftonithment, that we have
an Attorney-General to profecute infidious friends , as
well as declared enemies .
The invention of that wicked inftrument the Tele 2
graphe, proves, to a demonftration , that a republican
government is not fuited to an extent of territory
above three yards broad and fix yards long.
Yours, & c . Y.
F 3 [The
( 102 )
[The following was one of the moſt popular Airs with the Soldiers
of the Army of the North.]
COUPLETS BACHIQUES ET GUERRIERS.
VOULEZ vous fuivre un bon confeil ?
Buvez avant que de combattre :
De fens froid je vaux mon pareil
Mais quand j'ai bien bu j'en vaux quatre.
Verfez donc, mes amis, verfez,
Je n'en puis jamais boire affez.
Ma foi! c'eft un trifte foldat
Que celui qui ne fait pas boire,.
Il voit les dangers du combat
Le buveur n'en voit que la gloire.
Verfez donc, &c.
Come ce vin tourne l'efprit,
Comme il vous change une perfonne }
Tel qui tremble s'il reflechit,
Fait trembler quand il deraifonne.
Verfez donc, &c.
Cet univers, ah qu'il eft beau !
Mais pourquoi dans cet ouvrage,
Le Seigneur a-t- il mis tant d'eau,
Le vin me plairoit d'avantage.
Verfez donc, &c.
Sil n'a pas fait un element,
De cette liqueur rubiconde,
Le Seigneur s'eft montre prudent,
Nous euffions deffeché le monde.
Verfez donc, mes amis, verfez,
Je n'en puis jamais boire affez.
IMITATION OF THE FOREGOING VERSES .

DRINK, Soldiers ! noble is the plan,
Ere dreadful on the foe you pour ;
Though I can fober fight my man,
My bottle gives me ftrength for four.
Then fill the bumper, let it pafs !
I'm never weary of my glaſs.
He
FREEDOM OF SPEECH . 103
He that to battle fober goes,
Will dimly fhine in future ftory ;
He views the danger of the blows,
The toper only views the glory.
Then fill, &c.
As wine the heart of man can cheer,
And raife him to a brighter fellow ;
1 He that when fober fhakes for fear,
Make others flake when he gets mellow.
Then fill, &c.
This world's a wondrous work, and fine,
Yet to my mind the Great Creator
Was fomewhat fparing of his wine,
And mighty lavish of his water.
Then fill, &c.
'T was wife though not to bid the tide
With ruby-coloured nectar flow ;
Our drinking, elfe, the world had dried
To duſt and aſhes long ago.
Then fill, & c.
FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
THROUGH the channel of your paper permit

me to pour forth the effufions of my joy, on
my happy return to my native country, after a very
tedious peregrination , and woful fufferings, the con
fequence of an unfortunate laxity of fpeech, which
makes me inconfiderately exprefs every idea that rifes
in my mind. Being in Ruffia at the acceffion of the
prefent Czarina, I very imprudently took it into my
head to inveftigate her title to the Imperial crown, and
the means by which the afcended the throne, The
Czarina hearing of it, fent an officer to me, who
told me, in French, that his miftrefs, underſtanding
that I was a traveller of great penetration , had gra
ciously determined to fend me to Siberia, where I
F 4 might
104 FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
might make obfervations upon the foil and climate,

free of expenfe. I remained there till towards the clofe
of her first war with the Turks, when I was fent to
join the army that was befieging Adrianople. Making
my eſcape from thence, I reached the capital of the
Ottoman empire, at a time when the Muffulmen were
going in folemn proceffion to call down bleffings from
Heaven upon their arms, and were killing a Jew and
an afs at every place where they made a halt *. Though
I had almoft forgot the ufe of my tongue in Siberia, I
could not help faying that the murdering of Jews was
an odd way of thewing their refpect for the great
prophet Mofes, whom all Mahometans pretend to
revere ; and that if they thought to gain victories by
killing affes, they were affes themfelves . I was over
heard, and carried before the Cadi, who liftened at
tentively to the depofition against me : Allah is
merciful," faid he ; " give the Chriftian dog three
hundred blows on the foles of his feet , and fend him
to the gallies." I had not been long there, when, in
the only battle fought by the Pope's gallies in the
prefent century, it was my good fortune to be taken by
the Capitana, and carried into Civita Vecchia.
4
From Civita Vecchia I went to Kome, where I was
afked by a Signor Abbate, if it was not my intention
to kifs the Pope's toe. " If," faid I, " the Pope
imitated him whofe Vicar he is upon earth, he ought
rather to wash my feet, than expect me to kifs his."
The Priest being an informer, accufed me to the Holy
Office, who fent a Captain of the Guards to arrest me.
As the fcirocco was blowing, the Captain came in
fanning himself; and after fuffering me to treat him
with ices, explained the nature of his bufinefs, and :
This is actually the practice of the Turks, when they meet with
any fignal military misfortunes,
4 carried
FREEDOM OF SPEECH. 105
earried me to the Caftle of St. Angelo, in the name
of the fantiffimo Padre.
At the Jubilee in 1775, a general and plenary indul
gence for their fins was granted to all Catholics, and a
general remiffion of their puniſhment to all prifoners ;
fo that I once more obtained my liberty. But I did
not preferve it long ; for going to Venice, I could not
help expreffing my horror at the letter-boxes ftuck in
the walls of the Doge's palace, to receive denunzie fe
grete against fuch as fpoke of ftate- affairs. I alfo ven
tured to hint at fome improvements in the Venetian
government, which would be equally beneficial to the
Tenators and people. It was Carnival time ; and as the
Sbirro, who came to take me into cuftody, was dreffed
in a black domino, and had a vizor mafk upon his elbow,
I took it for a mafquerade frolic. I foon found it,
however, more ferious than I fuppofed, and was de
tained ten years in prifon . At the end of that period,
a Senator waited upon me, and told me, with great
politenefs, that my feclufion from fociety did not
proceed from any fears entertained by the Senate, who
governed the people for their own good ; but that it
was a little falutary admonition they were accuftonied
to give to foreigners, by way of rendering them more
cautious in countries where imprudences of the like
nature were looked upon in a more ferious light.
From Venice I went to Spain ; where I had fcarcely
been two days, before I found myfelf fnugly lodged in
the prifon of the Inquifition. Soon after an old Monk
afked me, in the most affectionate manner, if I could
not guefs at the caufe of my confinement ? but, as I
hope to be faved, I am fo great a reprobate, that I
could not divine for which of my profane jokes I was
laid in limbo, till, being put upon the rack, I recollected
that I had called the Recollet friars, who have no beards,
but wear the fame habit as the Capuchin Monks , the
females of that fpecies of animal . This reminifcence
F 5 faved
106. FREEDOM OF SPEECH .
faved me from further torments ; and it pleafed God to

let me get out of their hands , with no injury but the
diflocation of my wrifts and ancles, and a little flagel
lation , by way of penance.
I will not tell you how I was put into the Baftile by
the old Government of France ; nor how I found my
way into one of the King's Caftles in Pruffia : thefe
are accidents of an ordinary kind ; but I muft again
exprefs the joy I feel at being in a free country, where
a man, who, like me, fays every thing he thinks, is
in fafety .
Here we are in no danger of impriſonment, pillory,
or tranfportation, for delivering our opinions ; here
a man may fay which kind of government he
thinks the beft, without referve. Here are no fpies,
no informers ; nor, if they were, would they be lif
tened to. Here a man may indulge his paffion for
liberty over a bottle.-Here we are not obliged to
whifper our opinions in coffee-houſes, or look behind
us in the public walks .- Here we are in no danger of
illegal commitments, by Juftices of the Peace. Here
a few unguarded and unmeaning words, fpoken in
fmall companies, are not tortured into fedition,
which means an open attempt to ftir up the people to
acts of violence againſt Government.- Here no Judge
endeavours to influence the jury ; gives a ftrained in
terpretation to the law, or inflicts exceffive punish
ments. Here there are no abuſes ; or, if there are,
they are immediately reformed . -Here no attempts are
made to delude the people, becauſe our Governors
confult the general intereft of the community alone.
-No ; the privileges of free Britons, which we
have enjoyed fo long, we ftill enjoy in the fulleſt
extent, and live in the utmoft happinefs and harmony.
What a pleaſure is this for a
COSMOPOLITE * !
* This letter appeared foon after the eſtabliſhment of Mr. Reeves's
inquifition, and about the time of Mr. Froft's impriſonment, the
fentences ofthe Scotch Judges, and many extraordinary commitments
for fuppofed feditious words. IMITATIONS
( 107 )
IMITATIONS OF HORACE.
CARM. LIB . I. ODE XIV . TRANSLATED.
THE ARGUMENT .
HE Poet makes a voyage to Britain , in purſuance
ΤΗ -
of his promife - lib . III . Ode iv . lin . 33.
" Vifam Britannos hofpitibus feros "- " I will vifit
the Britons, inhofpitable to ftrangers ." The veffel in
which he failed was called the Britannia , whether
from the place of its deftination , or from the circum
ftance of being built of British wood, I cannot deter
mine ; but, I believe, for both reafons . After a
tedious voyage, at laft he arrived fafe at Portfmouth .
-The fhip was grievously fhattered ; but the Captain
determined to go out again immediately , before fhe
was well refitted, and while the weather was very un
promifing. Several of the crew were heard to mutter,
in confequence of this proceeding ; upon which the
Captain , by advice of the pilot, put them in irons.
But the most curious incident was (if we may believe
Quintilian ), that Horace was indicted for a libel , as
if, under the allegory of a fhip, he had intended to
paint the dangers and diftreffes of the commonwealth
-Whoever perufes my verfion, will fee how ground
lefs and abfurd this accufation was- The reader need
only keep in mind , that the Poet, more fafe at fhore,
makes this pathetic addrefs to the veffel, in which his
life and fortunes were fo lately rifked
TO THE GOOD SHIP BRITANNIA .
BRITANNIA, while frefli ftorms are brewing,
I wonder what the devil you 're doing!
Put back to harbour, might and main,
Nor venture out to ſea again :
Your hull's too tender long to laſt,
You're fain to try a jury-mat ;
Your tackle's old, your timber ' s crazy,
The winds are high, the weather hazy ;
F 6 Your
108 IMITATIONS OF HORACE.
Your anchor's loft, you ' ve sprung a leak ;

Hark, how the ropes and cordage creak !
A rag of canvafs fcarce remains ;
Your pilot idly beats his brains
A cub that knows not ftem from ſtern,
Too high t' obey, too proud to learn
In vain you worry Heav'n with pray'rs :
Think you that Heaven one farthing cares
Whether a failor prays or fwears ? }
In vain you fport your threadbare joke,
And call yourſelf " Old Heart of Oak. "
No feaman, that can box his compaſs ,
Trufts to your daubs, or titles pompous.
Take heed, left Boreas plays the mocker,
And cry-" This fnug in Davy's locker."
Though while on board as fick as hell,
At fhore, old girl, I wish you well.
Beware of fhoals-of wind and weather,
And try to keep your planks together ;
Or elfe the rav'nous fea will gorge,
And lodge you next the Royal George.
Q. HORAT. FLAC . CARM . LIB . I. ODE XIV.
O NAVIS, referent in mare te novi
Fluctus. ô quid agis ? fortiter occupa
Portum. nonne vides ut
Nudum remigio latus ?
Et malus celeri faucius Africo,
Antennæq; gemant ? Ac fine funibus
Vix durare carinæ
Poffint imperiofius
Equor? Non tibi funt integra lintea ;
Non dii, quos iterum preffa voces malo :
Quamvis Pontica pinus,
Silvæ filia nobilis
Iactes et genus, et nomen inutile.
Nil pictis timidus navita puppibus
Fidit-Tu nifi ventis
Debes ludibrium, gave.
Nuper follicitum quæ mihi tædium ;
Nun
IMITATIONS OF HORACE . 109
Nunc defiderium, curaque non levis,
Interfufa nitentes
Vites æquora Cycladas !
MR. EDITOR *,
UNDERSTANDING that my laft tranſlation of
an Ode of Horace did not diſpleaſe the beſt judges,
I have taken the liberty to fend you a fecond attempt,
which I fubmit to your candour. It may feem matter
of wonder to you, as it does to me, that neither Quin
tilian, nor Will Baxter, nor any other hunter of alle
gories, fhould find out the real drift of this Ode, which
is fo very easy to be difcovered . The cafe, in fhort, is
as follows. -- Auguftus, in the midft of peace and tran
quillity, felt, or feigned, an alarm, on account of fome
books written by perfons fufpected of an attachment to
the party of Cato and Brutus, and recommending re
publican principles. Now, Horace having been a
colonel in Brutus's army, and being rather too free in
profeffing his religious fentiments , naturally paffed for
an atheift and a republican . Auguftus publifhed an
edict to tell his fubjects how happy they all were, in
fpite of the fuggeftions of malcontents ; commanding
them to ſtick cloſe to their old religions ; and threat
ening, that whoever was not active in affifting the go
vernment, ſhould be treated as an enemy to church
and ſtate . Upon this occafion Horace read- or af
fefſted to read, for I will not take my oath to his fin
cerity a recantation . In one part of the Ode he ſays
" Jupiter, who generally thunders and lightens in
cloudy weather, now has driven his chariot through
the ferene air. " This is fo plain an emblem of Au
* This Letter and Tranflation allude, with great delicacy, inge

nuity, and fineffe, to the vifionary alarm about republican principles,
raifed at the beginning of the prefent war.
guftus
110 IMITATIONS OF HORACE .
guftus fulminating his cenfures in a time of perfect

tranquillity, that it needs no farther comment. Our
author refers to this circumftance again, CARM . vii . 5 .
" Cœlo tonantem credidimus Jovem regnare præfens
Divus habebitur Auguftus"—" We have believed that
Jupiter reigns thundering from heaven : Auguftus
fhall be efteemed a prefent God ." In another place
he exprefly calls Auguftus Jupiter -EPIST. i. 19
-43. " Rides ait, et Jovis auribus ifta fervas”.
" You joke," fays he, " and referve your verfes for
the ear of Jove ." For all fovereigns, while they are
in power, are compared to the Sovereign of the Gods,
however weak, wicked , or worthless they may be
Nihil eft quod credere de ſe,
Non poffit, cum laudatur Dis æque potentas.
I muft not forget to add, that this edict of the Em
peror was followed by numerous addreffes from large
bodies of the men who were once called Romans,
allowing the reality of the plots, lamenting the decay of
piety, and promifing to refift all innovation , and to de
fend his facred Cæfarean Majefty with their lives and
fortunes.
HORACE, BOOK I. OPE XXXIV .
TILL now I held free-thinking notions,
Gave little heed to my devotions ,
Scarce went to church four times a-year,
And then flept more than pray'd, I fear ;
But now I'm quite an alter'd man
I quit the courfe I lately ran ;
And giving heterodoxy o'er,
Unlearn my irreligious lore.
Yet, left you entertain a doubt,
I'll tell you how it came about.
Jove feldom lets his lightnings fly,
Except when clouds obfcure the fky,
As well you know ; but t'other morning,
He thunder'd without previous warning,
And
IMITATIONS OF HORACE.. III
And flash'd in fuch a perfect calmn,
It gave me a religious qualm :
Nor me alone-the frightful found
Reach'd to the country's utmost bound ;
And ev'ry river in the nation
From concave fhores made replication * .
The brutiſh clods, in ſhape of cits,
Were almoſt frighten'd into fits.
Henceforth I bow to ev'ry altar,
And with all infidels a halter.
I fee what power your Gods can ſhew,
Change low with high, and high with low ;
Pull down the lofty from his place,
And in his ftead exalt the baſe :
Thus Fortune's gifts fome lofe, fome gain,
While mortals gaze and guefs in vain.
HORAT. LIB . I. ODE XXXIV .
PARCUS deorum cultor et infrequens
Infanientis dum fapientiæ #
Confultus erro, nunc retrorfum
Vela dare, atque iterare curfus
Cogor relictos- Namque Diefpiter
Igni corufco nubila dividens,
Plerumque per purum tonantes
Egit equos, volucremque currum :
Quo bruta tellus, et vaga flumina,
Quo Styx, et invifi horrida Tanari
Sedes, Atlanteufque finis
Concutitur- Valet ima fummis
Mutare et infignem attenuat Deus,
Obfcura promens-Hinc apicem rapax
Fortuna cum ftridore acuto
Suftulit : hic pofuiffe gaudet.
* Shakeſpear's Julius Cæfar, A&

t I. Scene 1.
THE
( 112 )
THE EMBASSY TO CHINA *.

THE jealoufy of the Chineſe, who, judging from
the example of India, might fufpect that the mer-
cantile eſtabliſhments which we aſked for, were meant
as the first step to an affumption of power and territory,
that might enable us to give them the law in their own
dominions ; this jealoufy, added to fundry other grave
reafons of ftate, is generally fuppofed to have occa
fioned the failure of the magnificent embaffy we fent
across the Indian feas .
That theſe reaſons would have had due weight with
the wary Chineſe, and that they might have baffled all
the ſkill of the moft artful negotiator, is highly proba
ble; but the abrupt termination of the treaty is faid to
be owing to another caufe ; to a caufe fo curious, that
to obtain belief it was neceffary that the information
fhould be feriously given, as it really was, by officers
who left China in the fleet under convoy of the Lion .
It feems, that the fagacious perfons who were em
. powered to make a felection of proper prefents for the
mighty Emperor of China, wishing to give fomething .
to utility, as well as to flew, included among the fpeci
mens of the ingenuity of our artifts , a newly invented
cabinet d'aifance, in plain English, a patent water-clofet.
It is not eaſy to determine by conjecture, whether
the Interpreter of the folemn embaffy explained by
words the conftruction of this curious machine, or
whether one of the Ambaffador's retinue was appointed
to demonftrate its purpoſe by appropriate action . As
foon, however, as the nature of it was known, nothing
could equal the horror and difguft of the Mandarins of
The ludicrous circumftance that gave rife to this Jeu d'Efprit was
ftrongly affirmed to be a fact by feveral of the Eaft India Company's
officers.
State,
THE EMBASSY TO CHINA. 113
State. Bythe immortal Tien, it was too much ! What !

did thefe audacious foreigners fuppofe that the Holy Son
ofHeaven, thefole Governor of the Earth, could have oc
cafion for a water- clofet ! In all the countleſs ages that
China has exifted as a flate, during the twenty dynaf
ties that have fucceffively held the reins ofgovernment,
fuch a fhocking affront had not been offered to the Ma
jefty of the Empire !
And, indeed, to a people fo ceremonious, fo refined,
and fo full of veneration for their auguft Emperor, the
indecency must have appeared as grofs , as would ap
pear to the modefty of the English court the prefent of
a Lob-lob book from the merchants of Canton . It was
as bad as it would be at Madrid , to fuppofe the Queen
of Spain to have legs, or to peep at thofe of a favourite
Sultana on the banks of the Bofphorus. It amounted
to what the French uſed to call Leze- Majefié au premier
chef. It was a fort of facrilege ; and doubtless would
have been punished accordingly, if the Ambaffadors
had not been protected by their diplomatic character .
The nature of feveral other prefents was very diffa
tisfactory to the Chineſe ; but it was chiefly the cabinet
d'aifance that made them turn up their noses at our com
mercial offers .
The failure of fo grand an enterprife, from a caufe
of fuch low import, is a new proof that great effects may
fpring from little caufes : and it will, no doubt, furnish
matter of regret to thoſe who felected the prefents,
when they reflect , that their dreams of finding gold in
China might poffibly have been realized, if their ideas
had not favoured fomewhat too strongly of gold-finding.
COPY
.1
( 114 )
COPY OF A LETTER *
FROM BANEELON , ONE OF THE NATIVES OF NEW SOUTH
WALES, NOW IN LONDON, TO HIS WIFE BARANGA
ROO, AT BOTANY BAY.
THOUGH this is a very fine country, my dear little
Barangaroo ; though I every day fee very fine
fights ; and though there is great plenty of kangaroos
and fifh, yet I wish I were got back to my wife and
the woods, as I am afraid fome accident will happen
to me here ; having juft learnt that all the men in
King George's country are mad ; as for fome time paſt
I have heard them fay nothing to one another but
"What's the news ?" I faid the fame to one of them
this morning, and he told me very firange and fad
things indeed.
He faid, that fome months ago it was difcovered,
that a part of the tribe of Englith-galt meant to take
advantage of the reft, by putting every body upon the
fame footing ; and were defirous of ruining their own
country entirely, by way of being happy. That a
great many ofthe red men were called together, to pre
vent their doing fo, juft as they uſed to prevent our
taking bread when we were hungry at Botany Bay. I
then afked him if the red men had killed them , as they
did fome of the tribe of Comeringal in our country ;
and to my great aftoniſhment he told me, that the red
men had left all thefe mifchievous men just as they
were, and gone acroſs the great water to fight the tribe
of French -gal.
When I aſked, why they made war upon the tribe of
* This letter appeared fome months after the declaration of war,

when Baneelon was in London.
+ Gal, in the language of the natives of New Holland, is a kind of
generic termination, indicating a tribe or nation.
French
COPY OF A LETTER, & c. 115
French-gal, he told me, it was for fear the tribe of

French-gal fhould make war upon them fome hundred
moons hence ; and that the English, who were the
only people in this half of the globe who had cut off
the head of their chief, and made their own laws,
were refolved never to forgive the other tribe, becauſe
they had cut off the head of their chief, and wanted to
make their own laws. He faid, befides, that as it was
much to be feared that the tribe of French-gal might
fall out, and kill one another, the English, and a
number of other tribes, were gone to prevent it, by
killing the greateſt number of them poffible .-" Sun
and Moon !" exclaimed I, " can this be true ?” And
the Engliſhman laid his hand upon his breaſt, and ſaid
it was true.
He then went on to tell me, that becauſe the other
tribes were afraid that certain opinions of the tribe of
French-gal fhould find their way into their country,
they fent thither all the Frenchmen they could lay
hold of; and that , becauſe the French had threatened
to kill the princes of this country, the English princes
were gone to be killed in the country of the French .
Here, my dear Barangaroo, my patience ran away from
me, and I fwore by my father's bones that the people ( f
this country must be mad. The Englishman, to
whom I was fpeaking, and who, I believe, is not quite
fo mad as the reft, faid, with the tears ſhining in his
eyes, that he was afraid fo too ; and that very learned
men had proved, that the whole tribe of English-gal
went mad once in feven years . " And is there no
way of preventing it ?" faid I. " Alas ! no," an
fwered he ; for we never find out that we have been
mad till feven years after."
It has been propofed to me to go and throw my ſpear
at the French, but I have always faid, that, as the
French never took away my wife, or ftole my fifhing
nets, lines, and throwing- ftick, I was not angry with
them ;
116 MY POOR TURKIES .
them ; and that I could not fight without being angry.

No, my dear Barangaroo , I hope to efcape in fafety
from this mad country ; and in the mean time I beg
of the great Spirit to fave you from lightning, fharks,
and red men . What can I fay more ?
BANEELON.
MY POOR TURKIES * .
MR. EDITOR,
HAVING a confiderable number of turkies to fend
to town, I truſted my fecond fon with the care of
driving them, and gave him a proper charge, on
his fetting off, to be very careful that he loft none by
the way ; he then flourished his red rag at the word of
command, and departed with the whole corps in ex
cellent order. The first half mile was attended with
no accident worth mentioning, except the lofs of three
fowls, which were ſwept into a gypfey woman's apron ;
but a little farther on, when he came to a bridge, he
drove twenty-five of them into the ftream, and fuf
fered five more to tumble through the balluftrades, all
of which were loft irrecoverably. It appears, that in
the next two miles he loft but three in all, two of
which were run over by a broad- wheel waggon, and
the other was fnugly depofited in a tinker's wallet.
Still, however, he went on without miffing them,
though four more fell down a cellar-window by the
market-place at Norwich, fixteen were ftolen by a
foraging party of militia-men , nine walked into a
farm -yard, and two of the largest in the whole flock
* This letter appeared ſhortly after the Duke of York received his
firft reinforcement of eavalry; at the embarkation of which, our moſt
gracious Sovereign attended in perfon, and generouſly gave the foldiers
one fhilling each. His Majefty is alfo faid to have encouraged the
foldiers by faying " Hurra, my boys ! this is my war." But this latter
fact we do not affirm, and fhould be loath to believe.
were
MY POOR TURKIES. 117
were flogged up into the boot of a mail-coach , while
his head was turned another way . At laft, being in
formed that his number was diminished, he wrote to
me for a reinforcement, which I attended myſelf on
their journey for a part of the way, and I had the fa
tisfaction to hear that they joined him in good order ;
but by the fame exprefs, I found that he had lamed
thirty- five of the first flock, by driving over flint
ftones, and had borrowed more than as many but
cher's fkewers to fplice the legs of others ; that three
fhepherds dogs had killed eleven, and left fixteen more
without hopes of recovery ; that a penny-pye-man
had hid two fine cocks in his baſket ; that a country-.
man, ftaggering drunk from the fair, had knocked
down two more, miftaking them for weazels ; and that.
higgler coming by in the night, while my boy was
found afleep, had condefcended to load his eart with .
them. I fhall fay nothing of the one hundred and fifty
that ftrayed away; of the dozen that dropped into a.
well; of the four- and-forty that were trod to death by
a drove of oxen ; of the ſeven- and- twenty demoliſhed .
bypoachers ; of the nineteen that took phyfic for in
digeftion, and died under the operation ; but content
myſelf with obferving, that nine tenths of my turkies
were at length deftroyed, and that of the few which
remained, there were hardly any worth faving. As
faft as I fent a fupply, my turkies diſappeared : till at
length I could not help exclaiming, with a deep figh
from the bottom of my heart-" I have brought my
turkies to a fine market !”
A NORFOLK Farmer .
BURGESSIANA.
( 118 )
BURGESSIANA * .
SIR, !
I AM furpriſed you ſhould lately have permitted a
paper, generally fo correctly conducted as the Morn
ing Chronicle, to become a channel of the groffeft
flander, on the character of a private and harmleſs in
dividual. A malicious writer in your paper, no doubt
by impofing on your credulity, has repeatedly endea
voured to impress the public with an opinion that Mr.
BURGESS, the oil and pickle man in the Strand, is the
fame perfon as Mr. BURGESS, Under- Secretary of
State. The intereft I feel in the credit of your paper,
and the refpect I entertain for Mr. B. the oilman ,
induce me to contradict fo vile an attack on his credit
and reputation. # Whether the calumny has origi
nated from an enemy of Mr. B. the oilman, or a
lying friend of the Under-Secretary's, I cannot conjec
ture. But as I know the family of Mr. B. the oilman,
friendſhip and juftice towards them require me to de
clare, that Mr. B. the Under- Secretary, is not related
to, or even in any manner connected with them. The
calumniator of Mr. B. the oilman, could only have
. been led to invent fuch a falfehood from the name
being the fame with the Under- Secretary's ; as in moft
other refpects they are extremely different. Mr. B.
the oilman, is a worthy man, and does no dirty work,
except in his fhop and his cellar ; is ingenious in his
bufinefs ; and when he advertiſes for cuftom, does it
openly and fairly : he is gratefulfor favours, and civil
to his cuſtomers. His family is refpectable, all his
The following whimfical feries of letters were written in 1793 , to

ridicule Mr. Burgefs, now Sir James Bland Burgefs, on account of the
hare he was ſuppoſed to have in the property, if not in the compofi
tion, of a ſtrange newſpaper, called very improperly the True Briton,
which was at that time particularly acrimonious in its attacks upon
Mr. Fox.
near
BURGESSIANA. 119
near relations being decent, and one of them an ho

nour to the clerical profeffion . He continues to follow
the honeft bufinefs to which he has been bred, and in
which he is raifing by commendable induftry a confider
able fortune ; and I can affure you , from my own
knowledge, Mr. B. the oilman , does not ever with to
force himſelf, by meannefs, into any fituation for
which his past habits of life and education render him
unqualified. I am, Mr. Editor,
Your fincere well-wither and conftant reader,
A FRIEND TO THE HONEST BURGESSES .
SIR,
You have inferted a letter in your paper of Satur
day, in which a friend of Mr. Burgefs, the oil
man, has taken great pains to prove the faid oilman to
be a different perfon from the Under- Secretary Bur
gefs . I know not how this may be ; ifit be true, cer
tainly it was the duty of every fincere friend of the
༣
oilman to vindicate him from the afperfion. But this
vindication, however well meant, has done me a figual
injury, by a transfer of the fame difgrace. Mr. Under
Secretary, it feems, now difclaims all relationship to
the oilman ; pleads a difference of ſpelling in the two
names ; and derives his own title and defcent from an
ancient and refpectable Italian family. Confidering
myfelf as the only branch of my family refident in this
country, I cannot, in juftice to myfélf, fit down pa
tiently under fuch an imputation, and fhall therefore
briefly refute all the claims fet up by this pretender,
that I may no longer be expofed to the hard thoughts
of the credulous, or the hard words of the malignant.
His firft proof of his country and his extraction , is his
talent for poetical and mufical compofitions. But I hereby
caution the public " to beware of counterfeits," and
to reject with difdain the loathfome stuffto which he
may
120 BURGESSIANA.
may affix my name. For though I have no relations
high in the church, nor am in the way, I am afraid, of
acquiring a confiderablefortune, I truft I am as honeft a
man, and bave as hearty a contempt for every thing
that is low and mean, as any oilman in the Strand.
What might contribute to circulate a report fo perni
cious to my character, is a circumftance of which I
have been informed by more than one or two Govern
ment clerks, that this pretender often amufes himſelf,
T and annoys them, by reading paragraphs and para
phrafes out of fome outlandish newfpaper. Theſe he
never fails to cry up to the fkies ; and if they do not
take the hint (which they indeed are feldom apt to do
at firft) he praiſes them in a ſtill louder key, and hints
pretty broadly, that they are written by one of our
family, inuendo, himſelf. At other times, I am told,
he torments thefe unfortunate clerks by ftrumming for
hours together what he calls mufical compofitions,
from the fame quarter *. Now, Sir, as I dare fay you
will agree with me, that to a man, who has the leaft
value for his reputation, thefe rumours and fufpicions
cannot but be extremely galling, I truft, nay I de
mand, that you will do me the fame publicjuftice that
you have done the other gentleman. For furely the
character and confequence of an Italian poet and mufi- ·
* Mr. Burgefs ufed not only to entertain his clerks in this way, but
alfo his friends and acquaintance. Ifhe chanced to find a harpfichord
in any room, down the Under-Secretary would fit uninvited ; and
would play- Heaven how he would play, without end or meaſure!
He is alfo a poet ; and it cannot be denied that his verfes are very
fmooth and very pretty. The moft celebrated of his poems is called
The Birth and Triumph of Love ; and was written to illuftrate a ſeries
of allegorical defigns made by the Princess Elizabeth. The Triumph of
Love confifts in the little god's purfuit of two very curious objects,
which he at laft transfixes with a fingle fhaft; and which prove to be
the tender hearts of our auguft Sovereigns, King George, and Queen
Charlotte. Two bleeding, confequently bloody hearts, Hopping about
upon their nether ends , form a fublime and beautiful poetical image,
beyond even the magnificent imagination of the late Mr. Burke.
cian
BURGESSIANA. 121
cian is more at ftake from impoftures, than any ven

ders even of Italian pickles poffibly can be. I am, Sir,
Your humble fervant,
BLANDOSO BORGHESE,
Real Italian Poet and Mufician.
SIR,
"
IN confequence of the confufion and contradiction,
which the name of Burgeſs has lately occafioned, I
have taken fome pains to fet myſelf, and, I hope, the
world right on a point, which, ifnot cleared up in due
time, will terribly perplex all future hiftorians. Mr.
Under-Secretary Burgefs it feems at first called him
felf a native of this ifland : but whoever examined this
pretence, quickly found that he had not an atom of
the genuine Briton in his compofition. This claim
being therefore defeated, Mr. Under- Secretary, or his
friends for him, next derived him from Italy. But
this story is cafily confuted by his total want of the
true genius for mufic and poetry. All the mufic he
gained by a long application, amounted to a very mo
derate performance on the Jew's- harp . In poetry (if
fo it may be called) he is far inferior to Hayley, Anna
Matilda, or even the Laureat. After a long inquiry,
the most probable account I can gather is, that the
gentleman in queftion is a Swifs, a member of that
illuftrious body which may properly be styled, The
impartial Defenders ofRoyalty.
P. S. Ought not the Under- Secretary to refume the
old French orthography of his name, Bourgeois ?
SIR,
APPREHEND Sig. Blandofo Borghefe has difco
I
vered Mr. Burgefs, the Under- Secretary, to have
1
been in the oil and pickle trade ; and conceiving that
I had intimated the contrary in my former letter, he
VOL. I. G has
122 BURGESSIANA.
has expreffed a doubt of the correctnefs of my ftate

ment refpecting Mr. Burgefs, the oil and pickle man
in the Strand, not being the fame perfon with Mr. B.
the Under- Secretary. Ifhe will take the trouble of re
perufing what I have there written, he will then per
ceive that I have not any where afferted, either directly
or by implication, that Mr. B. the Under- Secretary,
had not kept an oil and pickle fhop . If Sig. B. B.
fhould declare he knows the fact to be fo, I dare fay
the public would take his word for it, even in oppofi
tion to the moft folemn denial of the Under-Secretary.
I am only defirous of removing one ſpot from the fa
mily of my friend the oilman, and of reftoring him to
that peace of mind and privacy in which he has been
difturbed by cruel and fpiteful mifreprefentation . As
Sig. B. B. is a foreigner, and writes under the im
preffion of a warmth commendable in defence. of the
honour of his family, and a dread of his own reputa
tion being injured by a miſtake, I can excufe his im
plied fufpicion of my veracity. But if he ſhould again
have occafion to rid his old family coat of a noxious
and loathfome infect , I would advife him, for his own
fake, to pick it off, without endeavouring to puff it on
another man's mantle. I am , Sir,
Your conftant Reader,
A FRIEND TO THE HONEST BURGESSES.
SIR,
UCH confufion has arifen , I fee, from the ori .
MUC
ginal obfcurity ofMr. Secretary Placid ; and two
worthy men, a pickle - dealer and an Italian fiddler, have
had their pride wounded by the imputation of being
related to him . I am happy to be able to fet the
future hiftorian , right on this important point . He is
neither an English Burgfs , an Italian Borghefe , nor
even a Swifs Bourgeois . Mir. Placid , Sir, is a Spaniard :
I had it from his own mouth ; for, being with him
one
BURGESSIANA . 123
B
one day during the Spanish Armament, I found the
Under-Secretary bufy in fcratching his head over a
letter. Forgetting, I fuppofe, that I knew his only
patron, to whom his Majefty had intrufted the whole
conduct of foreign affairs, a fit of vanity came over.
hini ; and loftily raifing himself on his feat, he af
fumed an air of true Caftilian gravity, and faid, " Is
not this a ftrange viciffitude of fortune ! that I, who
was born a fubject of the King of Spain, fhould now be
appointed to conduct the war against him ? " I smiled .
1
at the Spanish Don's thus railing himſelf above the
English Duke.
AN ENVOY.
SIR,
I HAVE been much diverted with the interefting
correfpondence which has lately been carried on
in your paper between Signor Blandofo Borghese , mu
fician, on the one part, and an independent pickle
man, who figns himself " A Friend to honeft Bur
geffes," on the other. It would be the higheſt pre
fumption in me to prenounce abfolutely in favour of
thofe gentlemen, who, in point of abilities, feem to be
fo very well matched; and at the fame time I fhould
confider it an act of the groffeft injuftice, both to them
and their innocent families, to prejudge a difpute on a
matter of no lefs importance than that of fatisfying
their friends which of them is not the relative of a
certain notorious Under- Secretary . I muft however
confefs, with all my partiality for my own country
men, that I think fome advantage has been gained by
the Italian profetifor ; and that, notwithstanding our in
genious oilman has evidently put in practice all the
refources which he has been able to derive from long
experience in the lubricity of his trade, the dexterous
foreigner has compelled him to admit, that the Under
Secretary may, for aught he can tell to the contrary,
G 2 have
1
124 BURGESSIANA.
have had fome concern in the oil and pickle buſineſs.

I muft own notwithſtanding, Sir, that the mystery is
by no means explained to my fatisfaction by either of
thofe writers, and that, were I difpofed to give credit to
the affertions of the one or the other of them, a new
perplexity would arife from the letters of your two cor
refpondents, one of whom pofitively affirms, that the
Under-Secretary is a Swifs, and the other a Spaniard.
Now, Sir, in the midſt of all this biographical erudi
tion, I fhould be free to confefs myfelf among the
number of the puzzled, if I had not been fortunate
enough to get at fome very material evidence, which
will not only throw light upon this complicated matter,
but help to reſcue my friend, the Under-Secretary,
from the hands of thofe who feem to pay fuch little
reſpect to the ancient blood which circulates in his
veins. It happened to me the other day, Sir, to fall in
company with a very near and dear relation of the
Under-Secretary, an odd, merry dog, and facetious
gentleman, as ever the earth produced. The authen
ticity of my narrative will, I flatter myſelf, admit of
no difpute, when I inform you that this perfonage was .
no other than the celebrated Signor Placido, alias the
Little Devil; a perfon whofe ingenious exercifes on the
flack- rope at Sadler's Wells have long been a theme
of admiration to an anxious and enlightened public.
From him I learned feveral particulars concerning the
fubject which now fo defervedly occupies the fpecula
tions of the curious. It feems that their common an
ceftor was a celebrated German Rope- dancer ( not a
Dutch Skipper, as it has been maliciously reported,
perhaps with an intention of confounding his pedigree
with that of one Mr. George Rofe), who was a great
man in his time, and author of a famous recipe for
curing corns. His name was Fynfiegelacvelbrandsen
fafthout, and he flouriſhed about the time ofthe Nor
man conqueft. What ferves to afcertain this point
more
BURGESSIANA. 125
more fully is an anecdote talked of to this day in the
ROLLE family, which mentions, that this very perfon
had the honour of being toffed in a blanket at a feak
given by one of the Duke Rollos, on his marriage with
the Frow von Pompernicle, the famous Weftphalian
beauty with a wide mouth, and a great bolter of her
rings. After this he paffed over into England, where
he was long a favourite with the public, and exerciſed
his various performances on the flack and tight rope,
to the great edification of our youth . It was at this
period that an accident happened to the family name
which it has never thoroughly recovered. Being none
of the eafieft to remember, and having, withal, him
felf the misfortune to be a heavy, purfy man, fome
mifchievous wags took the liberty of adding 1. to his
German appellation the familiar nick- name of Barge
-fe, which the delicacy of modern pronunciation,
by a very allowable corruption, has metamorphofed
into that of BURGESS . From this illuftrious practi
tioner, my new acquaintance, the Little Devil, affures
me they are both lineally defcended, and corroborates it
by appealing to various records in the poffeffion ofthe
officers of police in fundry parts of Europe, all of
which agree in reprefenting the family, who were fond
of travelling, as having laboured in their feveral voca
tions to the great encouragement of the cultivation of
hemp. I hope, Sir, by this clear and fatisfactory
account of the manner in which the name was ac
quired, that your correfpondents will acknowledge no
farther difpute can be maintained on this fubject, and
efpecially that the gentleman who favoured us with a
hint about the propriety of my friend's refuming the
original mode of fpelling his name, which he contends
to be Bourgeois, will in future abftain from his offici
oufnefs, fince he muſt know, that, in thefe days, Bour-`
geois is but another name for a fans-culottes ; and he
muſt be convinced by this account of Placid Burgefs's
G3 defcent,
1
126 BURGESSIANA.
defcent, that the culottes must have been a moft indif

penfable article in the wardrobe of the founder of the
family. I am , Sir,
Your most humble fervant,
A TRUE BURGESSIAN .
Ecce iterum Crifpinus!

SIR,
OTWITHSTANDING the fkill and fottigliezza
with which the ingenious foreigner, Signor Blan
dofo Borghefe, endeavoured to parry off the reproach
of being related to the placid Under- Secretary, the lat
ter's Italian warehouſe and complexion * ftill left the
matter in doubt. However, if he were a native of that
land of mummery and mufic, could he be entirely ig
norant of his mother-tongue ? Now, in the Under- Se
cretary's paper I found an account of a ſhip heing ar
rived at Genoa from Ponente. " Where the d-v-l is
Ponente ?" ſaid I to myſelf. " I have been in every
port of Italy, great and ſmall, from Civita Vecchia and
Leghorn, to Nettuno and Porto Fino, and yet I never
heard of this Ponente." I took the map, and examin
ed it fcrupulouſly from Reggio to Nizza, and ftill no
Ponente was there. At laft I recollected that Ponente
was Italian forthe weſt, and that the veffel was merely
arrived from the weftward. From this, and many other
blunders of the Under- Secretary, and ftill more from
his admirable affurance and intrepidity of countenance,
I am inclined to believe a friend of mine, who afferts,
that he is an Irishman, and that his original name was
Brogues ; a diftinction his family obtained, by begin
ning fome time fince to wear fhoes. It is eafy to con
* If there were any ſpecies of radish at all-reſembling the Under

Secretary's complexion, he would be an excellent illuftration ofShake
fpear's whimical defeription of " a forked radiſh, with a head moft
fantaſtically carved upon it." When his yellow pock- marked fac . is
puckered up into a ſweet- dimpled fmile, which occurs at almoſt every
moment, it is hardly posible to avoid catching the infection:
ceive :*
THE LAWYER'S FAREWELL TO HIS MUSE. 127
ceive that the natural tendency of all languages to eu
phony, may have occafioned the tranſpoſition of the r,
of which we have many inftances, as in burnt from
brent, &c. The other trifling changes any etymologift
will account for. Though the ſubject is almoſt as ſftale
as the Under-Secretary's olives, yet as his birth has
been affigned to almost allthe countries ofEurope, by in
ferting this letter, which proves him an Irifhman, you
will do a piece of fervice to mankind in general.
VAN TRUMP.
THE LAWYER'S FAREWELL TO HIS MUSE.

BY THE LATE SIR W. BLACKSTONE, KNT .
AS, by fomeforfakes
tyrant's his
ftern command,
native land,
A wretch
In foreign climes condemn'd to roam,
An endleſs exile from his home ;
Penſive he treads the deſtin'd way,
And dreads to go, nor dares to ſtay ;
Till on fome neighb'ring mountain's brow
He ftops,, and turns his eye below ;
There, melting at the well-known view,
Drops a laft tear, and bids adieu :
So I, thus doom'd from thee to part,
Gay Queen of Fancy and of Art,
Reluctant move, with doubtful mind,
Oft ſtop, and often look behind.
Companion of my tender age,
Serenely gay, and fweetly fage,
How blithfome were we wont to rove
By verdant hill, or fhady grove,
Where fervent bees, with humming voice,
Around the honey'd pak rejoice,
And aged elms, with awful bend,
In long cathedral walks extend !
Lull'd by the lapfe of gliding floods,
Cheer'd by the warbling of the woods,
How bleft my days, my thoughts how free,
In fweet fociety with thee!
G4 Then
128 THE LAWYER'S FAREWELL TO HIS MUSE.
Then all was joyous, all was young,
*
And years unheeded roll'd along !
But now the pleafing dream is o'er ;
Thefe fcenes muft charm me now no more :
Loft to the field, and torn from you→
Farewell !-a long, a laſt adieu !
Me, wrangling courts, and stubborn law,
To finoke, and crowds, and cities draw ;
There felfish Faction rules the day,
And Pride and Av'rice throng the way :
Difeafes taint the murky air,
And midnight conflagrations glare ;
Loofe Revelry, and Riot bold,
In frighted streets their orgies hold ;
Or, when in filence all is drown'd,
Fell Murder walks her lonely round ;
No room for peace, no room for you :
Adieu, celeftial nymph, adieu !
Shakeſpear no more, thy fylvan fon,
Nor all the art of Addiſon,
Pope's heav'n-ftrung lyre, nor Waller's cafe,
Nor Milton's mighty felf muſt pleaſe.
Instead of thefe, a formal band,
In furs and coits, around me ftand ;
With founds uncouth, and accents dry,
That grate the foul of harmony,
Each pedant fage unlocks his ftore
Of myftic, dark, difcordant lore;
And points with tott'ring hand, the ways
That lead me to the thorny maze.
There, in a winding, cloſe retreat,
Is Juftice doom'd to fix her feat ;
There, fenc'd by bulwarks of the law,
She keeps the wond'ring world in awe ;
And there, from vulgar fight retir'd ,
Like eaſtern queens, is more admir'd.
Olet me pierce the fecret fhade,
Where dwells the venerable maid !
There humbly mark, with rev'rent awe,
The guardian ofBritannia's law,
Unfold
PITT'S SPECIFIC. 129
Unfold with joy her facred page,
(Th' united boaft of many an age,
Where mix'd, yet uniform, appears
The wifdom of a thouſand years ; )
In that pure fpring the bottom view,
Clear, deep, and regularly true,
And other doctrines thence imbibe,
That lurk within the fordid fcribe ;
Obferve how parts with parts unite,
In one harmonious rule of right ;
See countless wheels diftinétly tend,
. By various laws, to one great end ;
While mighty Alfred's piercing foul
Pervades and regulates the whole.
Then welcome buſineſs, welcome ftrife,
Welcome the cares, the thorns of life :
The vifage wan, the purblind fight,
The toil by day, the lamp at night,
The tedious forms, the folemn prate,
The pert difpute, the dull debate,
The drowly bench, the babbling hall,
For thee, fair Juftice, welcome all !
Thus though my noon of life be paſt,
Yet let my fetting fun, at laft,
Find out the ftill, the rural cell,
Where fage Retirement loves to dwell !
There let me taſte the home-felt blifs
Of innocence, and inward peace ;
Untainted by the guilty bribe ;
-Uncurs'd amid the happy tribe ;
No orphan's cry to wound my ear,
My honour and my confcience clear :
Thus may I calmly meet my end,
Thus the grave in peace defcend.
PITT'S SPECIFIC.
ΤΗ
HE Proprietor of this invaluable medicine begs
leave to recommend it to the public in general,
and thofe of his friends in particular, for whofe paft fa
G5 YOUTS
130 PITT'S SPECIFIC.
vours he hereby acknowledges his moſt grateful obli

gations. He prefumes it is unneceffary to remind them .
of the extraordinary talents of that Great Man, who
firſt diſcovered its ufe, and its wondrous efficacy, in
invigorating the Conftitution. It is well known, that
that Great Man, who was not lefs famed for his pene
tration in diſcovering the feat of a difeafe, than for his
nice judgment in applying the proper remedy, was ac
cuſtomed to boaſt that he never found any cafe too de
fperate ; and that, whenever he had a reafonable encou
ragement from his patients, and promiſes that they
would abide ftrictly and implicitly by the regimen he
prefcribed, 8 he was never known to have given them
ever, as the phrafe is. It would be needlefs to trace
the progrefs of the patent from the original Inventor to
the prefent Grantee ; let it therefore fuffice, that the Pro
prietor, although he has not a regular d'plema, yields
not in point of medical kill to his predeceffor, and in
general adheres to his fyftem, except that, by fomé
captious perfons, he has been thought a little too fond
of bleeding, and has occafionally recommended evacu
ations before the prima via were properly cleanſed .
However, the practice is not without precedent, as
the Prefident of the College of Phyficians has invariably
adopted it, and recommended it to the young licentiates.
The Proprietor thinks he may be pardoned for re -
commending his medicine during the prefent foggy
and uncheering ſtate of the atmoſphere, whilst the ba
rometer is below 70, and will probably fall much
lower, as it is conjectured by certain proficients in
aftrological Speculation . He fuppofes the public are
aware of the many complaints to which the nervous
fyftem is at prefent expofed, partly owing to the atmo
Spheric influence, partly to a vicious tendency to irrita
tion in the general habit ; and therefore can, with con
fidence, fuggeft the peculiar virtues of his Specific . It
is universally allowed to be a Sovereign remedy in con
fumptive
PITT'S SPECIFIC. 131
fumptive cafes, when any fymptoms of internal decay
have appeared in the Conftitution. In fuch cafes it will
remove that febrile difpofition, and hectic heat, com
monly called Gallimania ; and, by a few dofes, the pa
tient finds himself perfectly free from all complaints of
weakness or indigeftion, except that he may poffibly be
troubled occafionally with acidities at the ftomach, which
however feldom happens, except when he indulges in
high-feafoned French dishes. Its deobftruent qualities
are admitted on all hands ; and it is faid to reconcile
the palate to the groſſeſt and moſt nauseous food, and to
ftrengthen the tone of the ftomach in fuch a manner,
that nothing can be too hard for digeftion .
The Proprietor begs leave to affure the public, that
there is no mercury in the compofition ; although it
is apt to promote a very copious difcharge offaliva. He
trufts that it is unneceffary to enlarge any farther upon
its particular ufes ; but he cannot refift the prefent op
portunity of making known its fingular efficacy in
nervous cafes, as will appear by the teftimonies fub
joined ; and affures the public, that the ingredients are
offo fimple a nature, that it has been adminiftered with
perfect fafety and fuccefs to children.
To the Proprietor of Pitt's Specific.

66 SIR,
" HAVING received great benefit from the ufe of
your incomparable Specific, in a diforder with which I
was most grievoufly afflicted, I think it a duty, as well
to the public as to yourfelf, to bear my teftimony to its
merits. I have fuffered much from a cutaneous erup
tion, which I attribute partly to the company I have
lately been accuſtomed to keep, and partly to a poverty
of blood, as is frequently the cafe with gentlemen of my
country. The palms * of my hands itched to fuch a
" Caffius, you are much condemned to have an itching palm.”

Shakespear's Julius Cæfar.
G 6 degree,
132 PITT'S SPECIFIC .
degree, that I was compelled to try every medicine that

promifed fuccefs ; but without effect . At laft, I had
recourfe to your inimitable Specific, which has com
pletely cured me, and which I have endeavoured to
circulate as far as I was able amongſt my friends , fe
veral of whom have been afflicted with the like difeafe.
You are therefore authorized to publifh this teftimony,
which I freely and readily give to a diſcovery that pro
mifes to be of fuch general ufe.
(T. S.) " LOUGHB -H. "
To the Proprietor ofPitt's Specific.

SIR,
" I HAD for fome time laboured under a flow , ner
vous fever, for which I could only account by fup
pofing it the effect of a fudden alarm which feized me
laft year, and which left iny nerves in fo fhattered and
irritable a ſtate, that I was adviſed by my phyfician to
take a voyage to thefouth ofFrance ; where, bythe help
of your incomparable Specific- notwithstanding I did
not derive the advantage from the change of climate
which I was encouraged to expect-I have again reco
vered my ftrength and ſpirits .
" G-LB- T E-L- T."

<< SIR,
" I THINK it my duty to acquaint you , that I have
received great benefit from the ufe of your Specific,
having been moft ſeverely attacked by a late epidemical
diforder, called the Yellow Fever ; of which, by the
help of your invaluable medicine, am now perfectly
recovered. My diforder arofe from a coldness of the
ftomach; to remove which I was obliged to call for
cordials fo frequently, that my friends thought it un
fafe to fupply me any longer ; and recommended to me
the ufe of your medicine. I am now- I thank God
and your Specific ! -reſtored to fuch a ftate of health
and
PITT'S SPÉCIFIC. 133
and fpirits as I had no reafon to expect, and which I
never fhould have attained, but for the ufe of your
Specific. I1 am, Sir, your humble Servant,
" ANSTR -ER * ."
To the Proprietor ofPitt's Specific.

66 SIR,
" I HAVE for fome time been afflicted with a de
preffion of fpirits, which my phyfician treated as hy
pochondriacal. However, by the help ofyour Specific,
which I always wear at my breaft, and mean foon to
take inwardly, I feel myfelf quite ftout again ; and
truft I fhall foon be able to return you my thanks in
perfon for the benefit I have received from your very
powerful medicine .
" CAR- LE ."

66 SIR,
" I WAS for fome years fuppofed by my phyficians
to be in a decline ; and by their advice I took feveral
voyages, thinking that a change of climate would do
me good ; which, indeed, were of fome fervice to me :
but I found, that though I could bear the extremes of
heat and cold equally well for a while, I could not en
joy my health in either for any length of time. I there
fore had recourfe to your Specific ; and can now fay,
that I enjoy my health fo well in my prefent fituation ,
that I do not mean to quit it-fo long as I can have a
regular ſupply of your medicine.
" I am, Sir, yours,
" AUCK- ND."
On this gentleman , who has obtained a high judicial fication,

the following epigm was made :
Neceffity nd Anftrare cry like each other ;
Neceffity as no law, neither has Anftr-
---I.
LESSON
( 134 )
LESSON FOR YOUNG BARRISTERS.

HOW TO EXAMINE A WITNESS.
[From the Monthly Magazine.]
Dramatis Perfonæ.
THE BARRISTER- THE WITNESS.
ALL John Tomkins.
B. CAL
W. Here-(is fworn.)
B. Look this way-What's your name ?"
W. John Tomkins.
B. John Tomkins, eh ! And pray, John Tomkins,
what do you know about this affair ?
W. As I was going along Cheapfide→→→
B. Stop, ftop ! not quite fo fait, John Tomkins.
When was you going along Cheapfide ?
W. On Monday, the 26th of June.
B. Oh, oh ! Monday, the 26th of June- And pray,
now, how came you to know that it was Monday the
26th ofJune ?
W. I remember it very well..
B. You have a good memory, John Tomkins - here
is the middle of November, and you pretend to remem
ber your walking along Cheapfide in the end of June.
W. Yes, Sir, I remember it as if it was but yester-
day.
B. And pray, now, what makes you remember it
fo very well
W. I was then going to fetch a midwife~
B. Stop there, if you pleafe. Gentlemen ofthe jury,
pleaſe to attend to this . - So, John Tomkins, you, a
hale, hearty man, were going to fetch a midwife.
Now, anfwer me directly- look this way, Sir-what
could you poffibly want with a midwife ?
W. I wanted to fetch her to a neighbour's wife,
who was ill a-bed.
B. A neighbour's wife ! What, then, you have no
wife of your own ?
W. No,
LESSON FOR YOUNG BARRISTERS. 135
W. No, Sir.
B. Recollect yourself; you fay you have no wife of
your own.
W. No, Sir ; I never had a wife.
B. None of your quibbles, friend ; I did not afk you
if you ever had a wife. I aſk you, if you have now a
wife? and you fay no.
W. Yes, Sir ; and I fay truth.
B. Yes, Sir ! and no, Sir ! and you fay truth ! we
fall foon find that out . And was there nobody to 1
fetch a midwife but you ?
W. No; my neighbour lay ill himfelf
B. What ! did he want a midwife too ? ( A loud laugh.)
W. He lay ill of afever ; and fo I went, to ferve him.
B. No doubt, you are a very ferviceable fellow in
your way. But pray, now, after you had fetched the
midwife, where did you go ?
W. I went to call upon a friend
B. Hold ! What time in the day was this ?
W. About feven o'clock in the evening.
B. It was quite daylight, was it not ?
W. Yes, Sir; it was a fine fummer evening.
B. What is it always daylight in a fummer
evening.
W. I believe fo (ſmiling-)
B. No laughing, Sir, if you pleafe ; this is too fe ·
rious a matter for levity.-What did you do when you
went to call upon a friend ?
W. He afked me to take a walk; and, when we were
walking, we heard a great noife→→
B. And where was this ?
W. In the street.
B. Pray attend, Sir- I don't afk you, whether it
was in the ſtreet- I aſk you what ſtreet ? 铜
W. I don't know the name ofthe ſtreet ; but it turns
down from
B. Now,
136 LESSON FOR YOUNG BARRISTERS ..
B. Now, Sir, upon your oath- do you ſay you don't

know the name of the ſtreet ?
W. No, I don't.
B. Did you never hear it ?
W. I may have heard it ; but I can't ſay I remem
ber it.
B. Do you always forget what you have heard ?
W. I don't know that I ever heard it ; but I may
have heard it, and forgot it.
B. Well, Sir, perhaps we may fall upon a way to
make you remember it.
W. I don't know, Sir ; I would tell it if I knew it.
B. O to be fure you would ; you are remarkably
communicative .- Well, you heard a noife, and 1 fup
pofe you went tofee it too.
W Yes ; we went to the houfe where it came
from
B. So ! it came from a houſe, and pray what kind
of a houſe ?
W. The Cock and Bottle, a public-houſe.
B. The Cock and Bottle ! why, I never heard of ſuch
a houſe. Pray what has a cock to do with a bottle ?
W. I can't tell ; that is the fign.
B. Well- and what paffed then ?
W. We went in to fee what was the matter, and
the priſoner there
B. Where ?
W. Him at the bar, there ; I knew him very well..
B. You know him ? how came you to know him ?
W. We worked journey- work together once ; and
I remember him well.
B. So ! your memory returns : you can't tell the
name of the ftreet, but you know the name ofthe pub
lic-houſe, and you know the prifoner at the bar.-You
are a very pretty fellow ! And pray what was the pri
foner doing ?
W. When I faw him, he was
B. When
LESSON FOR YOUNG BARRISTERS . 137
B. When you faw him ! did I aſk you what he was
doing, when you did not fee him ?
W. I underſtood he had been fighting.
B. Give us none of your underſtanding - tell what
you faw.
W. He was drinking fome Hollands and water.
S
B. Are you fure it was Hollands and water ?
W. Yes ; he asked me to drink with him, and I just
put it to my lips.
B. No doubt you did, and, I dare fay, did not take
it foon from them. But now, Sir, recollect you are
upon oath look at the jury, Sir- upon your oath, will
you aver, that it was Hollands and water ?
W. Yes, it was.
B. What ! was it not plain gin ?
W. No ; the landlord faid it was Hollands .
B. O ! now we fhall come to the point- The land
lord faid ! Do you believe every thing the landlord of
the Cock and Bottle fays ?
W. Idon't know him enough.
B. Pray what religion are you of?
W. I am a Proteftant.
B. Do you believe in a future ftate ?
W. Yes .
B. Then, what paffed after you drank the Hollands
and water ?
W. I heard there had been a fight, and a man killed ;
and I faid, " O ! Robert, I hope you have not done
this :" and he fhook his head
B. Shook his head ! And what did you underſtand
by that ?
W. Sir !
B. I fay, what did you underſtand by his ſhaking
his head?
W. I can't tell.
B. Can't tell ! -Can't you tell what a man means
when he thakes his head ?
W. He
4.38 LESSON FOR YOUNG BARRISTERS .
W. He faid nothing.
B. Said nothing! I don't ask you what he faid
What did you fay ?
W. What did I fay ?
B. Don't repeat my words, fellow ; but come to the
point at once. --Did you fee the dead man ?
W. Yes ; he lay in the next room .
B. And how came he to be dead ?
W. There had been a fight, as I faid before
B: I don't want you to repeat what you faid before.
W. There had been a fight between him and the
B. Speak up his Lordship don't hear you can't
you raife your voice ?
W. There had been a fight between him and the
prifoner
B. Stop there-Pray, when did this fight begin ?
W. I can't tell exactly ; it might be an hour before.
The man was quite dead.
B. And fo he might, ifthe fight had been a month
before that was not what I afked you . Did you fee
the fight ? -
W. No- it was over before we came in.
B. We! What we ?
W. I and my friend.
B. Well-and it was over- and you faw nothing ?
W. No.
B. Gem'men of the jury, you'll pleafe attend to
this-he pofitively fwears he faw nothing of the fight.
Pray, Sir, how was it that you faw nothing of the
fight ?.
W. Becaufe it was over before I entered the houſe,
as faid before.
B. No repetitions , friend . Was there any fighting
after you entered ?
W. No, all was quiet.
B. Quiet ! you just now faid, you heard a noiſe
you and your precious friend ..
W. Yes,
LESSON FOR YOUNG BARRISTERS. 139
W. Yes, we heard a noiſe
B. Speak up, can't you ? and don't heſitate fo.
W. The noife was from the people, crying and la
menting
B. Don't look to me-look to the jury- well, cry
ing and lamenting.
W. Crying and lamenting that it happened ; and all
blaming the dead man.
B. Blaming the dead man ! why, I fhould have
thought him the moft quiet of the whole- (another
laugh)-But what did they blame him for ?
W. Becauſe he ftruck the prifoner feveral times,
without any caufe.
B. Did you fee him ftrike the priſoner ?
W. No; but I was told that S
B. We don't ask you what you was told - What
did you fee ?
W. I faw no more than I have told you.
B. Then why do you come here to tell us what you
heard ?
W. I only wanted to give the reaſon why the com
pany blamed the deceaſed.
B. O! we have nothing to do with your reafons,
or theirs either.
1 W. No, Sir, I don't fay you have.
B. Now, Sir, remember you are upon oath-you
fet out with fetching a midwife ; I prefume you now
went for an undertaker.
W. No, I did not.
B. No ! that is furpriſing ; fuch a friendly man as
you ! I wonder the prifoner did not employ you.
W. No, I went away foon after.
B. And what induced you to go away?
W. It became late ; and I could do no good.
B. I dare fay you could not- And fo you come here
to do good, don't you ?
. I hope I have done no harm-I have ſpoken
like
140 AN INTERESTING ANECDOTE.
like an honeſt man- I don't know any thing more of

the matter.
B. Nay, I fhan't trouble you farther- Witness re
tires, but is called again) . Pray, Sir, what did the pri
foner drink his Hollands and water out of?
W. A pint tumbler.
B. A pint tumbler ! what ! a rummer ?
W. I don't know- it was a glafs that holds a pint.
B. Are you fure it holds a pint ?
W. I believe fo.
B. Ay, when it is full, I fuppofe. - You may go
your ways. John Tomkins.-A pretty hopeful fellow
that. [Afide.]
N. B. The neceffity of giving the above leffons will appear by
the following article :--
AN INTERESTING ANECDOTE.
[From the Courier.]
AT a trial fome few years ago in Ireland, a Mr.

profecuted one Farrel for an af
fault, with an attempt to commit a rape, upon his
daughter. When Mr. Morton had given his tefti
mony for the crown (as the term is), he was cross
examined by the counfel for the prifoner. The firſt
queftion afked him by one of thefe counfel was, " Pray,
Sir, is the young lady your daughter ?" The witneſs
replied , " Yes. "—" Pray, Sir," continued the counſel,
" how do you know the is your daughter ?"
The witnefs thus expreffed himself :
" Gentlemen of the jury, I am called upon in this
court to give my teftimony- I have given it ; and
have given it honeftly as to my mind, and true as to
the fact . A counſel ( at least I ſuppoſe him fo by his
impertinence) has afked nie, Whether I can, upon
oath , fwear that this young lady is my daughter ? ---
Many
BARON MUNCHAUSEN'S LETTER . 141
Many of you are fathers, and will feel upon the occa
fion as I do .
" One obfervation I beg permiffion of the court
to make it is, that in fupport of the laws of my
country, I come forward here to puniſh a tranfgreffor
at my own expenfe, and that the man who has aſked
me the queſtion as to my daughter's legitimacy, and
who, no doubt, means to aſk many more of the fame
fort, is a perfon BRIBED to prevent the course ofjustice.
" Gentlemen, I will prove the affertion . Look to
his brief he there acknowledges to have received ten
guineas to defend a villain.
" Will you believe the teftimony, on oath, of a
man who is not purchaſed, in preference to the argu
ment of a man who is publicly bribed, or will you not ?
That is the queſtion."
This fo completely humbled the ſelf-fufficient coun
fel, that he was immediately dumb-foundered, and the
prifoner was convicted , and fentenced to two years
impriſonment, and to give fecurity for his good beha
viour during life, himſelf in two thouſand pounds, and
his fecurities in one thousand pounds each.
If every witnefs would act in like manner, the
fcandalous liberties of counfel would be lefs frequent.
SIR ,
Faffing this morning through the Treafury paffage that leads
into the Park, I picked up a packet, which I found to be an
open letter, addreffed to the Editor of fome Newſpaper ; but
the name ofthe paper having been torn off, I could not dif
cover which it was. In this fititation, being your conftant
reader, I fend it to you. If it is your property, all is well ;
if not, you may, I think, fairly take advantage of this ac
cident, which procures you fo early and important intel
ligence.
I am, Sir, your humble fervant,
Weftminster, Aug. 6, 1793. AMBULATOR .
MY
$42 BARON MUNCHAUSEN'S LETTER.
MY DEAR FRIEND,
OW I admire your talents ! When I compare
HOW
your works with mine, I fee evidently my own .
littlenefs ; the wonders related by you in your truly
Royal Papers, as much exceed mine as the refulgent
Sun, rifing in the evening, does the Moon at noon
day. Nevertheless, I will venture to recount to you a
fimple and unadorned narrative of an excurfion I made
yesterday ; only requeſting, that, before you infert it in
your journal , you will throw a little embelliſhment
over it, in your own inimitable manner .
After having had the honour to breakfaſt with the
Prince of Cobourg, I fet out by his Highneſs's com
mand in a balloon, to reconnoitre the town and citadel
of Lifle from above. Not having the proper guidance
of the machine for fome time, it foon rofe with me to
an extraordinary height, not lefs than fifteen miles,
from whence you cannot conceive the beauty of the
profpect ; it exceeded even your imagination . Having
a remarkably good glafs with me, I had a diftinct view
of all Europe. In the South of France, I every
where faw the Royalifts and the Spaniards killing
thouſands of rafcally and cowardly Sans-culottes. I
faw, in the Mediterranean, Lord Hood capture a
large fleet of the enemy. Looking over to your deli
cious ifland, I alfo faw a very hot engagement between
two noble armies, which furprifed me much, as I had
not heard that the French had made their projected
invafion of England ; but I foon found it was only a
grand field - day, and a mock engagement ; after which
both armies went cordially together, to receive their
dinners from cooks dreffed in captains ' uniforms.
But what you will more particularly rejoice to hear,
I faw Briffot fitting in a dark cell of the Abbey Prifon ,
with the identicaljournal on a table before him, which
you unluckily quoted without being able to produce
your voucher, and could diftinctly read in it every
2 fyllable
r
BARON MUNCHAUSEN'S LETTER. 143
fyllable that you have afferted, and a great deal more.

pate If any one, after this, fhould be hardy enough to
ONE queftion your veraeity, you have only to make uſe of
myname.
The immediate bufinefs of my miffion, however, 1
obliged me to turn my eyes directly under me. The
Allied Army began a furious bombardment of Liſle. 腥
Although I was fo high in the air, I could diftinctly "
T
hear the fcreams of the women in the town ; but this
ment is not at all furprifing, when we confider how much I4
1
found afcends. Thefe fcreams, however, and the
+
fongs of Ca Ira, were foon drowned by the noife of
Cm the cannonading, both of the armies without, and
the fmoke, I
18004 the fortrefs within. In the midft of
2002 could diftinctly perceive 10,000 French lying dead in
18:30 the. ftreets. As a great fcarcity of cannon-balls took
place in the garrifon, the troops, with great prefence
the of mind, cut off the heads of the flain to fupply their
place ; but thefe being ftill infufficient, a guillotine
was fet to work, to prepare heads for that purpoſe.
At this time one of the engineers in the town having
S
diſcovered me, placed a 42 pounder perpendicular, and

fired it right at me. The fhot took effect, it went
right through the balloon, and proceeded on till it
ftar. This I diftinctly faw while I was
cli ftuck in a
een falling, having fortunately my glafs in my hand. It
was a lucky circumftance for me, that by this time .
they had piled up the dead bodies in the town in a heap,
&
which was at leaſt a mile high- as I fell upon them,

I was not at all hurt.
er I now expected to be made a prifoner, and was

congratulating myſelf that it was no worſe, when moft
at, fortunately the befiegers forced their way into the
town , The Auftrian troops now took an ample re
0, venge on the garrifon . They killed every foul in the
ch
ce place, except one old woman, who was faved as a
ER
living witnefs of the valour of the befiegers . On

k muſtering
144 A PICTURE OF HIGH LIFE.
muftering the troops of the allies, we had the pleafing

fatisfaction to find, that the only men killed were,
two horſe, a trumpet, and a drum .
You will no doubt receive exaggerated accounts of
this glorious action ; what I have fent you, you may
depend on, as I had a better opportunity than any per
fon, from my fituation, to fee the whole. And as I
fhall fend this exprefs by a pigeon , you may, with
great propriety, boaft of the fuperiority and priority
of your intelligence.
We now only wait the arrival of the Duke of
Brunſwick, to march againſt Paris, which is to be
razed to the ground , and all the inhabitants guillotined ,
a full account of which you will receive in my next.
I beg my beſt reſpects to your worthy coadjutors, and
I am, my dear Sir, yours very fincerely,
THE BARON MUNCHAUse HAUSENn.
A PICTURE OF HIGH LIFE.

THE APPOINTMENT .
THE HE Honourable Charles Wildflor, to whofe gal

lantry a feries of conquefts have given an air of
eafe, not rifing to confidence, but not embarraffing
its object by timidity, obferved the interefting Caroline,
at the Countefs of Crib's rout, held unpleaſantly under
the eye of her Chaperon. She could not turn without
being watched, nor talk to any one of the beaux that
fluttered round her, without having her words liftened
to and treaſured. Charles faw the ſparks of ſtifted
paffion flashing from her eye. There is nothing, he
knew, which fo thoroughly vexes the female heart, as
the control that diſappoints opportunity . The Chaperon
was her huſband's fifter, who had by the marriage loft
what, to a heart which age had confirmed in youthful
avarice,
A PICTURE OF HIGH LIFE . 145
WEE avarice, was truly important — the profitable place of

fuperintendant of his houfehold ; and he had now
country,
This funk into the office which fashion, in this
prevents even jealoufy from executing for itfelf-of
companion to her fitter-in-law. Charles fancied that
he faw Caroline looking wiftfully around the gay circle
for a knight fufficiently chevalerefque to relieve her, by
bravery or ftratagem, from her bondage ; and for fuch
");
an adventure he felt a prompt alacrity. A quick ſpirit .
불암
fuggefted to him, in an inftant, the means of an in

결말
troduction at once unfufpected and recommendatory :

때
he whifpered his friend George Driver to brush the

old woman, and contrive to diforder her drefs . George
fwore an American oath, that he would dock the harri
1 dan ; and, with a precipitancy that might have betrayed
the purpoſe, he trod on her crape train, and turning
BN
fharp round, under the pretence of an apology for the
accident, tore the gauze completely out of its gathers.
Charles feized the happy moment of her vexation ,
and ingratiated himſelf in the old woman's favour, by
the gentlemanly intereft which he took in her misfor
tune, and the feverity with which he rebuked George
for his clumfinefs. He entered into converfation with
Caroline ; and, while the old woman was venting her
fpleen on the monfter, and putting her drefs into fome
lice order, he candidly whifpered Caroline, that, diftracted
lore, he had contrived the incident for the purpoſe
PIC by
of throwing his heart at her feet. A half- formed frown ,
which he was directing against him, was turned into
a fmile, on fecing the air of piteous fupplication that he
had thrown into his features.
" You are a moft impudent fellow, Mr. Wildflor,
to have the confidence to fufpe & that fuch conduct
fhould be pleaſant to me !"
" I am not fo impudent as to believe that the ten
dernefs of your heart will permit you to fee even juf
VOL. I. H tice .
146 A PICTURE OF HIGH LIFE . #
#
tice inflicted on her, who gives you, if I fufpect right,
""
A many irkſome moments .'
" And pray, Sir," ſaid Caroline, kindling at the
unexpected difcovery, " how do you know that fhe
makes my moments irkfome ?''
" From the means which my paffion has prompted
me to ufe for the fake of difcovery- means which no
thing but paffion could juſtify."
" I beg your pardon , Sir ; I did not ſuſpect you to
be an eaves-dropper!"
At this 5 moment the old woman returned from the
mirror, to which the had gone to adjuſt her drefs ;
while Charles felt abaſhed at the unpromifing outfet of
his affair.
"" fee any thing
" Did you ever, " faid the old lady,
fo fhocking as my accident ? —I am quite a fright ! But
I am fure, Mr. Wildflor, I am very much indebted to
you for the very kind intereft you took in my misfor
tune. "
" Yes," faid Caroline, with a malicious finile,
" and you are more indebted to the gallantry of Mr.
Wildflor than you are aware.'
" What !" exclaims Charles : " Good God ! my
dear Madam - I entreat you : -pray, think no more of
it!-Obliged to me ! -not at all- not at all." And,
turning to Caroline, he whispered- " Why, in the
name of Heaven ! you will not tell her ; will you ?”
" The gallantry of Mr. Wildflor is proverbial :
but how am I farther obliged to him ?"
" You are not obliged to me at all, " faid Charles
haftily : " I beg we may go and look at the tables."
" Indeed you thall not :-I am determined my fifler
fhall hear how much fhe is indebted to you.”
Charles gave himfelf up, and the old woman made
a curt'fey in anticipation. Caroline enjoyed the di
lemma, and prolonged it by an elegant compliment on
the
2
TRANSLATION OF HORACE . 147
the graceful modefty which glowed fo vifibly on his

cheek.
" Do you know, my dear fifter," continues Caro
Ime, " that Mr. Wildflor fays he faw your picture
at Mr. Cofway's, and that he thinks it a moft faithful
and elegant likeness ."
Mrs. Sourcrout made him one of the moſt com
plaifant of her bows, to which he, his heart filled
with the happineſs of Caroline's unlooked - for furrender,
was utterly unable to attend ; and, making his obe
dience to the old lady, he ejaculated
" Charming Caroline, I fhall hope to meet you
there."
MR. EDITOR,
E have feveral Tranflations of Horace ; but
WE
none that I have ſeen appear to do the author
juftice. There is in Horace a grace, a delicacy, a
livelinefs, a fulnefs of expreffion, and a harmony of
verfification, that at once captivate the ear and the
heart. I need not explain to you how far fhort of
thefe excellencies our tranflators in general have fallen.
Having myſelf ftudied this poet with uncommon at
tention, I have, with all my might, endeavoured to
preferve thefe qualities in my verfion, of which I fend
you the enclofed Ode as a fpecimen . If you judge it
to have lefs merit than the partial parent believes, you
will ſtill allow it, I hope, to foar above the common
flights of modern poetry. It is not heavy as lead, like
Mr.; nor dull as ditch-water, like Anna Matilda ;
nor mad as a March hare, like our prefent excellent
Laureat ; nor ftupid-- but I fhould never make an
end, if I went on with my comparifons. If this
fample takes, I mean to publish a tranflation of the
whole by fubfcription : it will be printed on wire
wove paper, and hot-preffed-not to exceed two vo
H 2 lumes
148 TRANSLATION OF HORACE.
lumes quarto. A great number of engravings will be

added by the most eminent artifts. The obscenities
will be left out of the common copies ; but printed fe
parately for the ufe of the curious and critical readers.
The paffages that have an improper political tendency
will be carefully omitted ; fuch as—
- -Sed magis
Pugnas, et exactos tyrannos
Denfum humeris bibit aure vulgus .
" The cluſtering mob is more delighted to hear of

battles and the expulfion of tyrants ."
"
Or that addrefs to Fortune
Purpurei metuunt tyranni,
Injuriofo ne pede proruas
Stantem columnam ; neu populus frequens
Ad arma ceffantes, ad arma
Concitet, imperiumque frangat.
" Purple tyrants dread thee, O Fortune, left thou
fhouldft kick down the ſtanding pillar [of exifting cir
cumftances] ; left the thronging populaceshould fummon
the loiterers TO ARMS , TO ARMS ; and demoliſh´the
empire."
But thefe paffages, thank God ! are very few, and
fhall be ftudiously fuppreffed . Luckily, Horace is
full of loyal effufions, which I fhall endeavour to ren
der with fpirit as well as fidelity . What, for inftance,
can be more applicable than the following paffage to
the prefent holy war ?
-Diu
Lateque victrices catervæ,
Confiliis Juvenis repreffe,
Senfere, quid mens rite, quid indoles
Nutrita fauftis fub penetralibus
Poffet- quid Augufti paternus
In pueros animus Nerones .
" The
TRANSLATION OF HORACE . 149
" The armies, fo long and fo far victorious , were

checked by the conduct of a young Prince, and became
fenfible what could be done by a mind and a difpofition
duly nurtured under an aufpicious roof-what could
be achieved by the paternal affection of Auguſtus to the
young Neroes."
But it is time to releaſe you from this tedious pre
face, and give you my fpecimen. Why, thus it runs,
then :
HORACE, LIE . I. ODE XXVII . TRANSLATED .

Fy, friends ! were glaffes made for fighting,
And not your hearts and heads to lighten ?
Quit, quit, for fhame, the favage fashion,
Nor fall in fuch a bloody paffion .
" Piſtols and ball for fix !" what ſport !
How diſtant from-" Freſh lights and Port !"
Get rid of this ungodly rancour :
And bring your- elbows to an anchor.
Why, though your ſtuff is plaguy heady,
I'll try to hold one bumper fteady,'
Let Ned but fay, what wench's eyes
Gave him the wound , of which he dies.
You won't ?-theu, damme if I drink !
A proper queftion this to blink !
Come, come ; for whomfce'er you feel
Thofe pains, you always fin genteel. --
And were your girl the dirtieft drab—
(You know I never was a blab)
Out with it ; whitper foft and low ;
What is it fle ? the filthy frow ! I
You've got a roaring fea to tame,
Boy, worthy of a better flame!
What Lapland witch, what cunning man,
Can free you from this haridan ?
St. George himfelf, who flew the dragon,
Would idly wafte his ftrength this hag on.
H. 3. HORAT
150 QUESTIONS FROM A MAN OF KENT.
HORAT. CARM . I. 27.
Natis in ufum lætitiæ fcyphis
Pugnare Thracum eft ; tollite barbarum
Morem, verecundumque Bacchum
Sanguineis prohibite rixis.
Vino et lucernis Medus acinaces
Immane quantum difcrepat : impium
Lenite clamorem, fodales,
Et cubito remanete preffo.
Vultis feveri me quoque fumere
Partem Falerni ? Dicat Opuntiæ
Frater Megillæ, quo beatus
Vulnere, qua pereat fagitta.
Ceffat voluntas ? Non alia bibam
Mercede que te cunque domat Venus,
Non erubefcendis adurit
Ignibus, ingenuoque femper
Amore peccas. Quicquid habes, age ;
Depone tutis auribus. Ah mifer !
Quanta laboras Charybdi,
Digne puer meliore flamma !
Quæ faga, quis te folvere Theffalis
Magus venenis, quis poterit Deus ?
Vix illigatam te triformi
Pegafus expediet chimæra.
QUESTIONS FROM A MAN OF KENT.

BEING a plain countryman , and mafter of a farm
of two hundred acres of land, though I fay it, as
good arable as any in the parifh, I have neither time
nor opportunity to look into old records of State Trials
or books of law, by which many things that are paffing
at prefent might be rendered intelligible to me. I
fhould therefore be very glad if any of your larned
correfpondents would anſwer a handful or two of quef
tions that I am going to put to them .
Was
QUESTIONS FROM A MAN OF Kent . IST
Was there as much talking on the trial of Algernon
Sidney, who was talked to death by the CrownLawyers,
as on the trial of Horne Tooke and Hardy ?
As the Attorney and Solicitor General affirmed, that
all attempts to reform the Commons Houfe of Parlia
ment were treaſon by clear law, what made them talk
ten or a dozen hours each to prove it ?
Is there fuch a term in the language of the courts
as legal botheration ?
The Crown Lawyers and the Bench admitting that
Mr. Pitt and the Duke of Richmond are criminal, as
well as the perfons at prefent under trial, can the At
torney-general, confiftently with his duty, neglect to
profecute them ?
How happens it, that the meaning of the law of
treafon, which was enacted by a Parliament where no
lawyer was allowed to fit, fhould be a legal queſtion ,
and not to be underſtood by any man, who has not a
big wig upon his head ?
When Judge Fofter faid, that " The priſon and the
grave of a King are not far diftant, " " was it a witty
faying, or a pofitive truth, fufficient for the conftruct
ing of a new fpecies of treafon ?
If to confpire to depofe a King, neceffarily implies:
his death, how comes it that the laft King whom we
depofed lived to a good old age in France, and at laſt
died quietly in his bed ?
Were the English affociates of King William, who
depofed King James, and fettled the fucceffion on the
as houfe of Hanover, guilty of high treafon in fo doing ?
2
If they were, what fort of a title has his Majefty,

God bless him ! to the throne ?
When Edward the Third's parliament declared that
nothing was treafon but levying war against the King,
compaffing his death, or adhering to his enemies, did
they mean that any thing elfe was ?
How happens it, that the Court Lawyers, one and
H 4 all,
152 QUESTIONS FROM A MAN OF KENT .
all, are fure to find treafon, where Juries can fee no

fuch thing ?
Is this oppofition of fentiment always the effect of
chance, or of the influence of the ftars, or is it the
effect of influence of any other kind ?
Is there any law against confpiring, by judicial chi
canery, to take away a fellow- citizen's life ?
As it is admitted on all hands, that a nation has the
right of changing its government, how happens it
that it is treafon in a part of the people to propoſe the
reform of fuch abufes as may exist in theirs ?
If the individuals that have ufurped the rights ofthe
people, refufe to restore them, after being requested fo
to do in a polite way,, is it treafon for the nation to
endeavour to recover them by means lefs confiftent
with urbanity ?
Have the good people of England any right to their
rights ?
If they have, has any body a right to withhold
them ?
Does the right of the people in this country to be
freely reprefented depend upon the pleaſure of thoſe
who reprefent them against their will ?
If it does not, is there any punishment for thoſe who
invade the privileges of the people ? And is it likely
that Mr. Attorney-general will profecute the delin
quents ?
If he does not, who will ?
And, lattly, would there be any remedy for a man
who fhould be firft kept up for fix months, like a
bagged fox, by minifters, and afterward hunted down
by the Court Lawyers, for no other reaſon than becaufe
corrupt majorities of the Legiflature might call.it
treafon to refift corruption ?
I truft, Mr. Editor, you will forgive me for being
rather minute and particular in my queftions, for I
was always marially afraid of law-fuits, and should be
very
PORTRAIT OF A WOMAN. 153
very forry to commit high treaſon, without dreaming

of fuch a thing. Befides, whenever the Sunday paper
is received, and I read it to my ploughmen and neigh
bours, they are fure to afk me a fcore of fuch questions
1 as I have been aſking you, and dang me, if I fome
times know how to anſwer them, thof I'm reckoned
about as cute a hand as any in the county.
A MAN OF KENT.
PORTRAIT OF A WOMAN.
[From the Morning 1Poft ]
NOW fee my goddefs, earthly born,

With fmiling looks, and fparkling eyes,
And with a bloom that ſhames the morn,
New rifen in the eaſtern ſkies.
Furnish'd from Nature's boundleſs ſtore,
And one of Pleafure's laughing train ;
Stranger to all the wife explore,
She proves all far-fought, knowledge vain:
༢༣.༢
Untaught as Venus, when the found
Herfelf first floating on the fea,
And, laughing, begg'd the Tritons round,,
For fhame, to look fome other way !
And unaccompliſh'd all as Eve,
In the first morning of her life,
When Adam bluſh'd, and aſk'd her leave
To take her hand, and call her wife.
Yet there is fomething in her face,
Though fhe's unread in Plato's lore,
Might bring your Plato to diſgrace,
For leaving precepts taught before.
And there is magic in her eye
(Though the 's unſkill'd to conjure down
The pale moon from th' affrighted ſky)
Might draw Endymion from the Moon.
HS, And
154 SUBSTITUTES FOR BREAD..
And there are words which he can ſpeak,
More eaſy to be underſtood,
1x More ſweet than all the Heathen Greek,
By Helen talk'd, when Paris woo'd.
And ſhe has raptures in her power,
More worth than all the flattering claim
Of learning's unfubftantial dower,
In prefent praiſe or future fame.
Let me but kifs her ſoft warm hand,
And let me whiſper in her ear,
What knowledge would not underſtand ,
And wifdom would difdain to hear !
And let her listen to my tale,
And let one fmiling bluſh ariſe,
(Bleft omen that my vows prevail )
I'll fcorn the fcorn of all the wife.
SUBSTITUTES FOR BREAD *.

WH HILE our nobility are generously eating brown
bread for the good of the country , it gives me
much pleaſure to find that the newſpapers are no leſs
* The above whimfical letter appeared' at the time of the great

fcarcity, when the Privy Council recommended the eating of meat
and vegetables as fubftitutes for bread. This was very wife ; meat
and vegetables being ftill dearer than the article inftead of which they
were to be uſed . Other perfons, with Sir John Sinclair, and eco
nomifts of the fame ftamp, at their head, made bread of flour and
potatoes mixed. This was alfo very wife ; as a very indifferent com
pound was produced by the combination of two things, perfectly
good when eaten alone, without a fingle grain of fuftenance being
gained. Others fifft made potatoes into flour, and then into bread.
This was wifer ftill ! for by theſe means much of the nutritious fub
ftance of the potatoe was loft, the fæcula, by far the fmaller part,
being alone preſerved. In fhort, not one of the wife heads, who are
good enoughto regulate all our concerns, was able to difcover that the
only remedy for a fcarcity is to diminish the confumption, or increaſe
the ftock of provifions ; till at laft fear did what reflection could not,
and a bounty was given for the importation of corn.
generously
SUBSTITUTES FOR BREAD ; 155
generously feconding their efforts, by recommending

various fubftitutes for bread, and that the Lady Boun
tifuls of the metropolis have given up the entire copy
right of Sunday puddings and cakes, which may be
ufed inftead of bread.
I fhould be forry if my pen were idle on fuch an
occafion. Permit me, therefore, to recommend,
what I have from experience found to be excellent fub
fitutes for bread ; and what, you will perceive, are
not only as well fuited to the ability of the common
people as any which have been recommended, but alſo
must be eafily procured by a nation abounding in
wealth and commerce, the natural confequences of
a fuccefsful, juft, and neceffary war.
My firft fubftitute, Sir, is butcher's meat of every
kind, particularly veal and beef, neither of which are
yet at a hilling a pound . Houfe-lamb, when in ſeaſon ,
is alfo an excellent fubftitute : a quarter of houſe-lamb
feldom exceeds twelve or fourteenShillings, and would
make one very good meal for a man , his wife, and
four children ;
Poultry has lately been fo moderate, that it is won
derful it has not been more ufed . At all times, a
couple of nice chickens may be had for ſeven or eight
Shillings ; and I am certain the poor would find
them exceedingly relishing, if they would but make
a trial.
But my great and grand fubftitutes yet remain
venifon and turtle. Venifon is very cheap this year,
owing to the difcontinuance of public dinners ; and
you will pleaſe to obferve, that it has a fuperior ad
vantage to every other kind of meat, inafmuch as the
monopolizing and foreftalling butchers cannot take
in the public, becauſe none of them deal in the ar
ticle. I lately dined on a very fine haunch, which
coft only two pounds fourteen fhillings ; and as we are
to have no more public dinners, I have no doubt that
H 6 the
1565 SUBSTITUTES FOR BREAD .
the price will foon fall, perhaps to a couple ofguineas.

A haunch of this price would , I imagine, ferve for
dinner for fix men of good appetite, befides what might
be ferved up next day in the form of a hat. I am
greatly mistaken, if the poor would not take very
kindly to this diet, were it once fet before them .
As to turtle, which will be foon plenty, from the
arrival of the Weſt India fleet, and cheap from the
fame caufe as the venifon , I need fcarcely fay how
very nourishing it is ; in that refpect indeed, excelling
all other food. The fuccefs of our armies in Flanders
is juftly imputed to the Commiffaries ordering great
quantities of plump turtles to be fent over. There can
be little doubt that the price will not exceed eightſhil
· lings a quart ; and, at that price, I am fure the poor
would find it a moft delicious and palatable food , pro
vided they have no natural antipathy to it, as people
fometimes have for what they are not ufed to. By
way of inducing them to give up fuch whims, they
might be advifed to take a rummer-glafs of punch be
tween every three or four mouthfuls, which I have
always found very relishing. Indeed, this is a fact
which has often beenfworn to before the Aldermen of
London.
To thefe valuable fubftitutes for bread, and, by the
by, before I proceed one ftep farther, let me remark,
that it is the opinion of many learned phyficians, that
bread is not quite fo wholefome as fome people igno
rantly think. They fay that it creates wind. Now, if
the exiſtence of wind be known by its effects, I think
it is very obvious that the poor are afflicted with it,
from this very caufe- for among the poor, you are al
ways fure to hear more grumbling than among the
rich ; it is but fair to attribute this to their not being
able to raise the wind. Such would not be the cafe, if
they could be induced to uſe the diet I here recom
mend.
Leaving
SUBSTITUTES FOR BREAD . 157
Leaving this digreffion, let me obferve, that to the
above fubftitutes for bread, may be added fish of all
"
kinds, " particularly turbot, with lobster-fauce, which is
highly nourishing, and far more fattening than the
produce of a wheat-field can poffibly be. Now, Sir,
very nice turbot can be bought for feven or eightfhil
lings, and ferve three moderate eaters very well. In
deed, I have made all my calculations for the fcale of
1 moderate eaters, becauſe my object is to ferve the poor,
who are confeffedly of that clafs.
With refpect to vegetables, they ought unquestion
ably to accompany the above courfe of diet ; but they
ought to be eaten only at the beginning of the feafon,
when they are young. The fame remark may be ex
tended to fruit, particularly pines, melons, and peaches.
A very good fized pine may now be purchaſed for fif
teenfillings, and is a moft delicious fruit. But I muſt
confefs, that I would not have the poor to indulge too.
much in thefe articles, unlefs they are plenty, and the
warmth of the weather requires a vegetable regimen..
It may be expected I fhould fay fomething of li
quors : with regard to them I have, however, only to
remark, that gin is a very unwholefome liquor, and is
lately rifen in price. Wine is much more to be pre
ferred ; but in order to drink it pure, it fhould be pur
chafed in the pipe, and kept for fome time before it is
bottled . Experto crede. I think that, in the prefent
ftate of affairs, French wines may be difpenfed with
bythe poor .
Having thus difcharged a duty to them, and to the
public at large, I am, Sir,
Your moſt obedient Servant,

NANA
MAZARINE MUNCHET.
COSMOGUNIA,
''
( 158 )
COSMOGUNIA.
The following elegant Dialogue, faid to be the Production of
an eminent Female Writer, is copied from the Monthly Maga
zine for February 1796.
毋
DIALOGUE BETWEEN MADAM COSMOGUNIA, AND A PHI
LOSOPHICAL ENQUIRER OF THE 18TH CENTURY.
E.T REJOICE, my good Madam, to fee you. You

bear your years extremely well. You really look
as freſh and blooming this morning as if you were but
juſt out of your leading- ſtrings, and yet you have— I
forget how many centuries upon your thoulders ..
C. Do not you know, fon, that people of my ſtand
ing are by no means fond of being too nicely quef
tioned about their years ? Befides, my age is a point
by no means agreed upon.
E. I thought it was fet down in the church-re
giſter ?
C. That is true ; but every body does not go by
your register. The people who live eastward of us,
and have fold tea, time out of mind, by the great
wall, fay I am older by a vaſt deal ; and that long be
fore the time when your people pretend I was born I
had near as much wiſdom and learning as I have
now.
E. I do not know how that matter might be ; one
thing I am certain of, that you did not know your lets
ters then ; and every body knows that theſe tea- dealers ,
who are very vain, and want to go higher than any
body elfe for the antiquity of their family, are noted
for lying.
C. On the other hand, old Ifaac, the great chroni
cler, who was fo famous for cafting a figure, ufed to
fay that the regiſter itſelf had been altered, and that he
could prove I was much younger than you have ufu .
ally reckoned me to be. It may be fo ; for my part,
I cannot be fuppofed to remember fo far back. I could
M not
COSMOGUNIA 159
not write in my early youth, and it was a long time be

fore I had a pocket almanac to fet down all occurrences
in, and the ages of my children, as I do now.
E. Well, your exact age is not fo material ; but
there is one point which I confefs I wifh much to af
PS certain I have often heard it afferted , that, as you in
creafe in years, you grow wifer and better ; and that
You you are at this moment more candid, more liberal,
a better manager of your affairs, and, in fhort, more
amiable in every refpect, than ever you were in the
whole courfe of your life : and others you will ex
cufe me, Madam - pretend that you are almoſt in your
and dotage ; that you grow more intolerable every year you
live, and that, whereas in your childhood you were a
SMOULCDH fprightly, innocent young creature, that roſe with the
lark, lay down with the lamb, and thought or faid no
harm of any one, you are become fufpicious, felfifh,
intereſted, fond of nothing but indulging your appe
tites, and continually fetting your own children toge
ther by the ears for ftraws . Now. I fhould like to
know where the truth lies.
C. As to that, I am , perhaps, too nearly concerned
to anſwer you properly. I will , therefore, only ob
ferve, that I do not remember the time when I have
not heard exactly the fame contradictory affertions.
C E. I believe the beft way to determine the queſtion
will be by facts. Pray be fo good as to tell me how
you have employed yourſelf in the different periods of
your life ; from the earliest time you can remember,
for inftance .
1
C. I have a very confufed remembrance of living in
a pleaſant garden, full of fruit, and of being turned
10. out becauſe I had not minded the injunctions that were 16
laid upon me. After that. I became fo very naughty,
that I got a fevere ducking, and was in great danger of
being drowned .
E. A hopeful beginning, I muſt allow ! Pray what
DN was
160 COSMOGUNIA.
was the first piece of work you recollect being engaged

· in ?
C. I remember fetting myfelf to build a prodigious
high houfe of cards, which I childishly thought I
could raife up to the very fkies. I piled them up very
high, and at laft left off in the middle, and had my
tongué flit for being fo felf- conceited. Afterwards , I
baked dirt in the fun, and refolved to make fomething
very magnificent, I hardly knew what : fo I built a great
many mounds in the form of fugar-loaves, very broad
at bottom , and pointed at top : they took me a great
many years to make, and were fit for no earthly pur
pofe when they were done. They are ftill to be feen,
if you chooſe to take the trouble of going fo far. Tra
vellers call them my folly..
E. Pray what ftudies took your attention when you
firft began to learn ?
C. At first I amufed myfelf, as all children do , with
pictures ; and drew, or rather attempted to draw,
figures of lions and ferpents, and men with the heads
of animals, and women with fifhes' tails ; to all which
I affixed a meaning, often whimfical enough . Many
of thefe, my firft fcratches, are ftill to be feen upon old
walls and ftones, and have greatly exercifed the inge
nuity of the curious to find out what I could poffibly
mean by them. Afterwards, when I had learned to
read, I was wonderfully entertained with itories of
giants, griffins, and mermaids, and men and women.
turned into trees, and horfes that fpoke, and of an
old man that uſed to eat up his children , till his wife
deceived him by giving him a ftone to eat inftead of
one of them, and of a conjurer that tied up the wind
in bags, and
E. Hold, hold, my good Madam ; you have given
me a very fufficient proof of that propenfity to the mar
vellous which I have always remarked in you. I fup
pofe, however, you foon grew too old for fuch nurfery
ftories as thefe.
C. On
COSMOGUNIA. 161
C. On the contrary, I amufed myſelf with putting

them into verfe, and had them fung to me on holy
days ; and, at this very day, I make a point of teach
ing them to all my children, in whofe education I take
any pains .
E. I think I fhould rather whip them for employing
their time fo idly : I hope, at least, thefe pretty ftories
kept you out of mifchief ?
C. I cannot fay they did ; I never was without a
fcratched face, or a bloody nofe, at any period I can
remember.
E Very promifing difpofitions truly !
C. My amufements were not all fo mifchievous. I
was very fond of ftar- gazing, and telling fortunes, and
trying a thouſand tricks for good luck, many of which
have made fuch an impreffion on my mind, that I re
member them even to this day.
E. I hope, however, your reading was not all of the
kind you have mentioned .
C. No. It was at fome very famous races , which
were held every four years for my diverfion , and which
I always made a point to be at, that a man once came
upon the race-ground, and read a hiſtory - book aloud
to the whole company : there were, to be fure, a num→
ber of ftories in it not greatly better than thofe I have
been telling you ; however, from that time, I began
to take to more ferious learning, and likewife to rec
kon and date all my accounts by thefe races, which, as
I told you, I was very fond of.
E. I think you afterwards went to ſchool, and
learnt philofophy and mathematics ?
C. I did fo : I had a great many famous mafiers .
E. Were you a teachable ſcholar ?
C. One of my mafters ufed always to weep when he
faw me ; another ufed always to burst into a fit of
laughter. I leave you to gueſs what they thought of
me .
E. Pray
162 COSMOGUNIA.
E. Pray what did you do when you were in middle

age ? That is ufually eſteemed the moſt valuable part
of life. -
C. I fomehow got fhut up in a dark cell, where I
took a long nap .
E. And after you awaked
C. I fell a difputing with all my might.
E. What were the fubjects that intereſted you fo
much ?
C. Several.
E. Pray let us have a fpecimen.
C. Whether the light of Tabor was created or un
created ? whether one be a number ? whether men
fhould cross themfelves with two fingers or with three ?
whether the creation was finiſhed in fix days, becauſe
it is the most perfect number ; or whether fix is the
moft perfect number, becauſe the creation was finished
in fix days ? whether two and one make three, or only
one ?
E. And pray what may be your opinion of thelaft
propofition, particularly ?
C. I have by no means made up my mind about it ;
in another century, perhaps, I niay be able to decide
upon the point.
E. Thefe debates of yours had one advantage, how
ever ; you could not poffibly put yourfelf in a paffion
en fuch kinds of fubjects.
C. There you are very much mistaken. I was con
ftantly in a paffion upon one or other of them ; and if
my opponent did not agree with me, my conftant
practice was to knock him down, even if it were in
the church. I have the happineſs of being able to
intereft myſelf in the moft indifferent queftion as foon
as I am contradicted upon it. I can make a very good.
difpute out of the queſtion , Whether the preference
be due to blue or green, in the colour of a jockey's
cap ? and would defire no better caufe of a quarrel
than,
COSMOGUNIA. 163
than, Whether a perfon's name fhould be ſpelt with

C, or with K?
E. Theſe conftant difputes must have had a very bad
effect on your younger children. How do you hope
ever to have a quiet houfe ?
C. And yet, I do affure you, there is no one point
that I have laboured more than that important one of
family harmony.
E. Indeed !
C. Yes ; for the fake of that order and unanimity,
which has always been dear to me, I have conftantly
infifted, that all my children fhould Sneeze and blow
their nefes at the fame time, and in the fame manner.
E. May I prefume to aſk the reaſon of that injunc
tion ?
C. Is it poffible you do not fee the extreme danger,
as well as indecorum , of fuffering every one to blow
his nofe his own way ? Could you truft any one with
the keys of your offices, who fneezed to the right when
other people fneezed to the left, or to the left when
theyfneezed to the right?
E. I confefs I am rather dull in difcerning the in
convenience that would enfue ; but pray have you been
able to accomplish this deſirable uniformity ?
C. I acknowledge I have not ; and indeed I have
met with fo much obftinate reſiſtance to this my wife
regulation, that, to tell you the truth, I am almoſt on
the point of giving it up. You would hardly believe
the perverfencfs my children have fhewn on the occa
fion ; blowing their nofes, locked up in their rooms,
or in dark corners about the houfe, in every poffible
way; fothat, in fhort, on pretence of colds, tender
nofes, or want of pocket-handkerchiefs, or one plea
or another, I have been obliged to tolerate the uncom
plying, very much againft my will . However, I con
trive to fhew my difapprobation, at leaſt, of fuch
fcandalous irregularities, by never faying God bless you h
if
164 COSMOGUNIA,
if a perfon freezes in the family contrary to eſtabliſhed

rule.
E. I am glad, at leaſt, you are in this refpect got
a little nearer to common fenfe: As you feem to have
been of fo imperious a difpofition, I hope you were
not truſted with any mifchievous weapons .
C. At first I ufed to fight with clubs and ftones ;
afterwards with other weapons ; but at length I con
trived to get at gunpowder, and then I did glorious
milchief.
E. Pray had you never any body who taught you
better ?
C. Yes ; feveral wife men, from time to time, at
tempted to mend my manners, and reform me, as
they called it.
E. And how did you behave to them?
C. Some I hunted about ; fome I poifoned ; fome I
contrived to have thrown into prifon ; fome I made
bonfires of; others I only laughed at. It was but the
other day that one of them wanted to give me fome
hints for the better regulation of my family, upon
which I pulled his houfe down : I was often, however,
the better for the leffon, though the teacher had fel
dom the pleaſure of feeing it .
E. I have heard it faid you are very partial to your
children ; that you pamper fome, and ftarve others.
Pray who are your favourites ?
Ć. Generally thoſe who do the moſt miſchief.
E. Had you not once a great favourite called Lewis,
whom you ufed to ftyle the immortal man ?
C. I had fo . I was continually repeating his name,.
I fet up a great number of ftatues to him, and ordered
that every one fhould pull off his hat to them as he
went by .
E. And what is become of them now ?
C. The other day, in a fit of fpleen , I kicked them
all down again.
E. I think I have read that you were once much
under
NEW MODE OF WARFARE. 165
under the influence of an old man, with a high
toeftabi
crowned hat, and a bunch of keys by his fide ?
C. It is true. He uſed to frighten me by fetting
s refped his arms a-kimbo, and fwearing moft terribly : be
feemto fides which, he was always threatening to put me in
pe you a dark hole if I did not do as he would have me. He
has conjured many pence out of my pocket, I affure
and fo
you ; and he uſed to make me believe the ftrangeft
ngth I ftories ! But I have now pretty nearly done with him ;
did gas he dares not fpeak fo big as he uſed to do : hardly a
fhoe-black will pull off his hat to him now ; it is even
taught as much as he can do to keep his own tight upon his
head ; nay, I have been affured, that the next high
to time, wind will certainly blow it off.
orm me
E. You muſt doubtlefs have made great advances in
the art of reafoning, from the various lights and ex
periments of modern times : pray what was the laſt
ned;for
philofophical ftudy that engaged your attention ?
meIn
was butth C. One of the laft was a fyftem of quackery, called
Animal Magnetifm .
ve mef E. And what in theology ?
mily, p C. A fyftem of quackery, called Swedenborgianifm .
1,hower
E. And pray what are you doing at this moment ?
erhad
C. I am going to turn over quite a new leaf. I am
finging Ca Ira.
tial to E. I do not know whether you are going to turn
rveothe 6
over a new leaf or no ; but I am fure, from this ac
count, it is high time you ſhould . All I can fay is,
hief that, if I cannot mend you, I will endeavour to take
TedLew care you do not fpoil me ; and one thing more, that
I with you would lay your commands on Mifs Bur
his a ney, to write a new novel, and make you laugh.
ndond
Tem 24 NEW MODE OF WARFARE .
SIR,
kedthe
AT a time when the exertions of the greater part of
Europe are of no avail in refifting the arms ofthe
ce mu French
DOL
166 NEW MODE OF WARFARE.
French nation, and even the conceptions of our Bri

tith Palinurus are rendered abortive, it becomes every
Englishman to exert himſelf againſt the common
enemy.
Nunc olim quocunque dabunt fe tempore vires,
Litora litoribus contraria, fluctibus undas
Imprecor, arma armis
After revolving in my mind the various plans which
have been defeated by their vile machinations, it ap
pears to me that our pilot (who, I hope, is not yet
aleep at the helm) fhould, as he has done on many
other occafions, follow the example of our enemy,
i. e. attack them in a mafs. But, Sir, I would not
recommend fuch a burlefque mafs as an army of
meagre, famished Frenchmen . I would have a real
mafs, and every man fhould be like Falſtaff-a mov
ing mafs. An army of fine fat fellows, fuch as I re
commend, would drive Frenchmen before them as
eafily as boys do butterflies, and we fhould have an
additional reafon to glory in the roast beef of Old
England.
I believe there would be no difficulty in producing
an army of thefe Titans ; for as this is deemed a war
for the defence of our property, thofe will furely come
forward as volunteers who have fo large a ſtake in the
community. For inftance, the Aldermen and dif
ferent corporate bodies in the kingdom would form a
confiderable army. The beneficed clergy too would
furniſh many regiments, who might be called the
Black Huffars . But it is needlefs for me to point out
the paths of rotundity, as the fpies of Government
may be better employed than they have lately been in
tracing them. To fill up the grenadier companies, it
might be expedient to fend for a few cargoes of Pata
gonians ; and if this were done in the manner of em -
baffy, it would open a new fource of patronage, and
we might alſo have the honour of granting another
fubfidy,
NEW MODE OF WARFARE. 167
fubfidy, if there be a King in that country to receive
it. As the troopers would be of an enormous fize, ef
pecially the Black Huffars, it would be extremely ne
ceffary to have them mounted on camels and ele
phants, the former to fupply the place of light cavalry,
and the latter that of the heavy horfe. The confump
tion of provifions in fuch an army as this, may be ob
jected to as unbearable ; but as they would moft of
them be volunteers, the bounty - money would be
faved ; and as they would foon be quartered on the
enemy, this very circumftance would render them .
more fpeedily victorious, and thus accomplish what
our worthy Premier propofed early in the war-" To
reduce them by famine." -In fhort, I conceive our
troops would find their fuccefs far more in eating than
in fighting, and it is probable their ftomachs would
be better adapted for the former than the latter.
Another article of economy might be adopted in their
equipments, by having the frying- pans, & c. made of
a more commodious form, fo as to be worn on the
head inſtead of helmets, and this might ferve to dif
tinguiſh the different companies ; for what could be
more appropriate than the Frying-pan Company, the
Tin-kettle Company, the Porridge-pot Company, &c.
&c. ? Spits might be worn inftead of fwords, and the
dripping- pans might be fe contrived as to form a bridge
inftead of boats, to crofs rivers ; and there would
be no fear of the bridge being captured by the enemy,
as our troops would fight defperately for their culinary
utenfils ; all that might be dreaded is, that they would
give no quarter, if the fcoundrels made the attempt.
There would be no neceffity for mufical inftruments ;
the found of the kettles would be infinitely better re
lifhed than kettle-drums ; and a table- cloth would be
a more attractive rallying point than any ftreamer ever
borne by a Roman or Britiſh legion . Knives and
forks of a proportionate fize would be terrible weapons ..
in
168 NEW MODE OF WARFARE .
in their hands, if reduced to the neceffity of fighting,

and they would contend, even to death, ere they
would furrender fuch arms to the enemy.
Thus armed and caparifoned, and marching in full
array, the very breath of their noftrils would be more
deftructive than artillery, and fweep myriads of French
men away with the force of a tornado ; and if, through
unforeseen circumstances, they fhould be panic- ftruck,
and turn their backs on their enemies, they would be
more formidable in their retreat, than even were the
Parthians, more efpecially, if, like the Duke of Brunf
wick's army, they had made free with the new wines
of Champagne .
It would be neceffary for the General of fuch an
army to pay more attention to Farley and Mrs. Glaffe,
than to O'Rourke or Muller ; for on fuch knowledge
might depend the iffue of the campaign . On the pro
per feafoning of their fauces would reft the power and
nature of their courage ; they might be either hot as
pepper, fharp as vinegar, active as mustard, or ftrong
as garlic, according to the intention of the cook in
chief. Their dishes too might determine their mili
tary operations ; for inftance, thofe intended for a deſ
perate enterpriſe fhould be fed with falamander ; if for
a fecret expedition, with fhoulders of mutton, & c.
furpriſed ; thofe for a long quick march to cut off a
retreat, with hafty pudding. In compliment to the
origin of the war, an eligible difh would be calves
head, the German way. I would recommend a fre
quent repetition of penny-royal dumplins ; but
quaking pudding, and French flummery, fhould be
ftudioully avoided.
I have now, Sir, only juft given you the outlines of
my fyftem of the art of war, which I have no doubt
will immediately be adopted by Mr. Pitt, and for
which he will, in all probability, with his ufual good
nature, offer a finecure place or a penfion. But iffuch
an
ODE, BY SIR WILLIAM JONES. 169
4-3
an offer be made , I fall, with the fame difintereſted

generofity, refuſe it, having, like him, much of the
pure fpirit ofpatriotifm ; and fhall content myfelf with
the pecuniary emolument and fame which I fhall ob
tain when our troops have taken poffeffion of Paris,
and I have published my royal edition of Epicurean
tactics. HELIOGABALUS .
ODE,
BY SIR WILLIAM JONES,
WHAT conftitutes a State ?
Not high-rais'd battlement, or labour'd mound,
Thick wall, or moated gate ;
Not cities proud, with fpires and turrets crown'd ;
Not bays and broad-arm'd ports,
Where, laughing at the ftorm, rich navies ride ;
Not ftarr'd and fpangl'd courts,
Where low-brow'd Bafenefs wafts perfume to Pride ;
No : men, high-minded men,
With powers as far above dull brutes endu'd,
Inforeft, brake, or den,
As beafts excel cold rocks and brambles rude :
Men, who their duties know,
But know their rights, and, knowing, dare maintain
Prevent the long-aim'd blow,
And cruth the tyrant, while they rend the chain :
Thefe conftitute a State ;
And Sovereign Law, that State's collected will,
O'er thrones and globes elate .
Sits Emprefs, crowning good, repreffing ill.
Smit by her facred frown,
The fiend Oppreffion, like a vapour, finks,
And e'en th' ali-dazzling crown,
Hides his faint rays, and at her bidding fhrinks.
Such was this Heav'n-lov'd ifle,
Than Lefbos fairer and the Cretan fhore !
No more fhall freedom fmile ?
Shall Britons languif , and be then no more ?
Since all muft life refign,
Thoſe ſweet rewards which decorate the brave
'T is folly to decline, 1
And fteal inglorious to the filent grave.
VOL. I. 1 LETTER
( 170 )
LETTER OF JOHN BULL.
[From the Monthly Magazine.]
HAVE long had the happinefs of being married, as
I
I have often faid and fworn, to the beſt of all pof
fible wives ; but as this beſt of all poffible wives has a
few fancies, which I fhould be glad the were cured of,
I have taken the liberty to lay my cafe before you .
My wife, Sir, has been much admired in her time,
and ſtill is, in my eye, a very defirable woman ; but
you well know, Sir, that, let wives wear as well as you
can fuppofe, they will be the worſe for wear ; and fo
it is with my dame ; and if I were to ſay that I can fee
in her neither ſpot nor wrinkle, nor any fuch thing, I.
fhould belie my own eyefight. I like her, however,
altogether, better than any woman I know ; and we
fhould jog on quietly enough together, but that of late
fhe has been pleaſed to infift upon my declaring in all
companies, that he is abfolutely the handfomeſt
woman under the fun ; and that none of my neigh
bours' wives are fit to hold the candle to her and
there is one Squire Edmund, a hectoring, bullying
fellow, who, they fay, is a little cracked (a great fa
vourite with my wife, notwithstanding, ever fince he
has flattered and fpoke her fair ; for it is not long ago
that he uſed to be drawing caricatures of her) -he, I fay,
goes about every where, telling people that I ought to
challenge any one who prefumes to affert to the con
trary. " Cara Spofa," have I often faid to her, " is
it not fufficient if I love thee beft, and that for the
beft reaſon, becauſe thou art my wife ? I chofe thee
freely, and am content to be to thy faults a little
blind ;' but to be entirely fo, is neither good for thee
nor for me." She lately made me fign a paper, that
fhe was, in all parts, of the exact proportions of the
Venus di Medicis ; though, Heaven knows ! I never
meafured them together ; and that not only there ne
ver was a more beautiful creature produced upon God's
earth, but that it was utterly impoffible for the ima
gination of man to conceive a more beautiful. I con
fefs
LETTER OF JOHN BULL. 171
fefs I was a good deal afhamed to make fuch boafts ;
nevertheless, I complied, for the fake of peace. My
1
wife, morcover, entertains an idea, that every man
I who fees her, is in love with her ; and, like Belife in
the Femmes Sçavantes, the is refolved not to give up
the point, though the beft compliments the has met
with of late from her neighbours have been, " that the
looks very well : for a woman of her years ; that the
wears well, confidering ; that fhe has fine remains,
and that one may eafily fee fhe has been a handfome
woman in her time." Thefe are fpeeches, one would
think, not very apt to feed her vanity ; yet, whenever
The hears of a match that is likely to take place, the
cannot help fancying the lover was attracted by fome
remote refemblance to her admired perfon . " Yes,"
fhe will cry on fuch occafions, " there was a tint of
my complexion, which did the bufinefs ; not fo bril
liant indeed-fomething of my majeftic
嘿 look, -and an
evident imitation of my walk." With all this opinion.
of herſelf, my poor wife, eſpecially of late, has been
diftractedly jealous of me. She is continually teafing
me with embarraffing queftions ; as, " whether I love
her as well as I did on my wedding-day ; whether T
will promiſe to love her if the fhould be blind, or de
crepit, or out of her wits, & c." A circumſtance has
occurred lately, which has increaſed this jealouſy ten
fold. My next- door neighbour, you must know, is
married again ; and ever fince that event fhe watches
me as a cat watches a mouſe. I cannot look out of
the window, or inquire which way the wind fits, but
it is in order to admire my neighbour's new wife. She
pretends to have found love-letters which have paffed
between us ; and is fure, the fays, I defign to part with
ss
her, falfe-hearted man as I am ;" upon which, the
other day, the threw herſelf into violent hyfterics, and
alarmed the whole family and neighbourhood ,
To be fure, the bride did fend me a favour, which
I wore in my hat, openly ; and I do not deny but I
12 may
172 LETTER OF JOHN BULL. ·
1
may have paid her a few compliments, and written
fome verfes upon her, for fhe is a fhowy, fine-ſpoken
woman ; but for all that, I would not marry her, if I
were free to morrow ; for, to tell you the truth, 1 fuſ
pect her to be too much of a termagant for me ; and
befides, John Bull is not given to change.
My wife has another failing, Sir. She is fond of
every thing that is old, becauſe it is old ; and ſhe never
will give any reafon, except a woman's reafon (which,
you know, is no reaſon at all) , for any one thing the
does. If I prefume to hint, things might be better
after a different faſhion, I can get no other anſwer
than that it is her way- that her grandmother and
great grandmother did fo before her ; and that it is her
maxim never to alter the family management." I can
fcarcely flir about my houſe, it is fo filled with heavy
lumbering furniture, half of which is worm - caten, and
of no ufe but to harbour vermin ; but my wife cannot
perfuade herſelf to part with any of it, he has fuch a
refpect for a fine piece of antiquity ; and then, fays
fhe, " old furniture has fuch a creditable look !" — “ Šo
it might, my dear, " fay I, " if it were all of a piece ;
but, you know, we are continually buying new, and
when one article does not fuit with another, you must
be fenfible nothing can have a worſe effect . For in
ſtance, now ; this , difmal old tapeftry, how prepof
terous it looks along with the Indian matting and
painted rout- chairs ! I wiſh you would let it come
down, it is fit for nothing but for the rats to play at
hide and feek behind it. " -" I would not have it down,
my dear," fays the, " for the world ; it is the ftory of
the Spanish Armada, and was done in the glorious days
of Queen Befs."-" Then give it a thorough clean
ing, at least," returned I. " If you offer to draw a
nail, rejoined the, " there are fo many private doors
and fecret paffages made in the wall, you will be
blinded with duft and mortar ; and, for aught I know,
66
pull an old houfe over your bead, " Let me at leaft
give
LETTER OF JOHN BULL . 173
give a brufhing to the beards of the old Dons, " replied

1. A ftroke of the bruſh would ſhake them to
pieces, " infifted my wife ; " they are as tender as a
cobweb, I tell you ; and I pofitively will not have them
meddled with . Nobody, who has any regard for his
anceſtors, would think of pulling down a venerable
fet of hangings, made in the glorious days of Queen
Elizabeth ." Now, I care little when a thing was
made ; the queftion is, what is it good for ? and I
know nothing fo much uſeleſs lumber is good for, but
to oblige us to keep a great many fupernumerary fer
vants, at high wages, to look after it.
I have ftill another grievance, Sir. If you are a
married man, you may chance to know, that it is
often as much as a man can do to manage his wife ;
but to manage one's wife and mother too , is a talk too
hard for any mortal. Now, my mother, Sir, lives
with us, and I am fure I have always behaved myſelf
'as a dutiful and obedient fon ; her arm- chair is always
fet in the beſt place by the fire ; fhe eats of the belt,
and drinks of the beft , neither do I grudge it her,
though the poor children's bellies are often pinched,
while fhe is feafting upon nice bits : but with all this,
I have much ado to keep her in good humour. If I
ftir about a little more briskly thaii ordinary, my mo
ther has weak. nerves, and the noiſe make over her
head, will throw her into fits. If I offer but to duft
the books in my ftudy, my mother is afraid fome of
them fhould fall upon her head. Indeed, the old lady
did get an unlucky blow with one or two of them ,
which has thaken her not a little. Befides which,
the infifts, and my wife ftands by her in it, that I
fhould confult her in all matters of bufinefs ; and if I
do not, I am cried out againſt as a graceless atheiſtical
wretch ; and a thoufand idle reports are raifed, that I
am going to ftrip and turn my poor old mother out of
doors . Then, mymother is ratherparticular in her drefs;
and the children fometimes will be tittering and making
13 game,
174 AN ARABIAN TALE .
game, when fhe is difplaying fome of her old fallals ;

upon which, my wife always infifts I fhould whip them,
which I uſed to do pretty feverely, though, of late, I
confefs, I have only hung the rod up over the chimney,
in terrorem- on fuch occafions, my wife never fails to
obferve, " how becoming it is in one of my mother's
age to keep the fame fashion in her drefs." This, by
the way, is not true, for I remember my mother ſtuck
all over with croffes and embroidery to her very fhoes,
with ftrings of beads and fuch trumpery ; yet the fays,
as well as my wife, that the never changes any thing.
I am , myſelf, Mr. Editor, an eafy, peaceable, plain
fpoken man as any that exifts ; and am a man of little
or no expenſe for my own gratification : yet fo it´is,
that, what with the large eſtabliſhment of fervants,
which we are obliged to have, and the continual drains
upon my purſe, to fupply my extravagant neighbours,
I run out every year, and cannot help having many
ferious thoughts and melancholy forebodings where all
this may end. But I apprehend , the firft ftep ought
to be, for my wife and me to confult together, and
make a reform in the family management wherever
there may be occafion . If, therefore, you can perfuade
her to lay afide her groundlefs jealoufies , and talk a
little reafon, I fhall be highly obliged to you, and am
your humble fervant, JOHN BULL.
AN ARABIAN TALE.
ITT is very well known throughout the Eaft, that
Haroun al Rafchid, Caliph of Damafcys, ac
companied by Mifnou, his favourite Vizier, frequently
walked through the streets and fuburbs of the city by
night, and in difguife. Thus he became acquainted
with, and was able to correct various irregularities,
which would otherwiſe have eſcaped the vigilance of his
inferior officers of justice. One evening, the light
ofthe moon enabled him to diſcover, beneath a portico,
three
1.
AN ARABIAN -TALE. 175
three men, whofe drefs and appearance difcovered them
to be of middle rank, in clofe and ferious conference..
He approached them without being perceived, and
heard them making the bittereft exclamations againſt
their evil fortunes, which each, fpeaking of himſelf,
declared to be without parallel. Can any Mufful
man, " faid the firft, " be fo great a wretch as I am?
Maythe Prophet never again favour his chofen tribe, if
from morning till night I am not the victim of forrow
and difquietude ! -I have a neighbour, whofe only
ftudy is to perplex me in my dealing, to injure me in
my reputation and property, and whom Alla feems to
have infpired with extraordinary vigour of mind and
body, for no other purpofe than to counteract my pro
fpects of intereft or defigns of pleaſure. "-" Ah !”
faid the fecond, " your condition is indeed pitiable ; but
how much more fo is mine ?-Your days alone are dif
treffing to you ; at night you can recline on your pil
low, and find confolation in grateful flumber, forgetting
your perplexities , your neighbour, and yourfelf, I, on
the contrary, know no interval of peace-my days are
haraffing, and my nights worfe.-Alas ! I have a wife
who eternally torments me-at my buſineſs, my meals ,
nay, even in my bed, her prefence difturbs, and her
tongue wounds me.-I live in inceffant irritation , and
have no hope of tranquillity but from death, which I
am often tempted to anticipate, from the conviction that
to Paradife no woman comes . "-" Well !" faid the
third, " I have patiently liftened to you both, but am
ftill convinced that my caufes of affliction are yet more
aggravating than either- than both of yours. I have
an extravagant, profligate, worthlefs fon : in fpite of
remonftrance or punishment, I have feen him advance.
progreffively from vice to vice, till I now fee him a
difgrace to human nature, and every hour am expecting
that the vengeance of Mahomet, or the lawsof our
country, will tremendously overtake him." On this,
14 the
176, AN ARABIAN TALE.
the three complainers bade each other adieu, and ſe

parated for the evening.
" Mifnou, " faid the Caliph to his favourite, " be it
your care to find out who theſe men are, and fee that
they fulfil my orders in full Divan to- morrow. ‫ در‬Mif
nou obeyed his mafter ; and the three trembling Muf
fulmen were } conducted to the Seraglio, when each,
though ignorant of their imputed crime, expected the
bow-firing, or, at leaſt, the baftinado.
When the Divan was affembled, and the Caliph on
his throne was,furrounded by the Imams, the Emirs,
and the grandees of his court, with a loud voice he
commanded the three miferables to be brought forth.-.
" Friend," faid Haroun al Rafchid to the first, " it
feems thou fayeft of thyfelf, that thy condition is emi
nently unfortunate ; relate the caufes of thy griefs to
the wife men whom thou feeft here before me." The
man at firft was inclined to equivocate ; but the Vizier
pointing to the mutes, who food prepared with the
bow- ftring, he declared that he, indeed , was of all men
the moft miferable, inafmuch as a wicked neighbour
continually perfecuted him. As foon as he had finifhed
his narrative, " Take that fellow,"
ants faid the Caliph,
in an angry tone, to his , " and give him five
hundred baftinadoes." The Imams, the Emirs, the
Grandees, and the Court looked at each other in afto
nifhment, but faid nothing. The Caliph, whofe com·
pofure was not in the leaft difturbed, called for the fe
cond miferable." " Well, friend," exclaimed Ha
Co
roun al Rafchid, and what fayeft thou ? Thou art
alfo, it appeareth, one of thofe whom Mahomet refufes
to fmile upon." The man, having witneffed his neigh
1
bour's punishment, knew not how to act, and would
willingly have held his peace ; but being urged in a
commanding voice, and fearing that even worse than
the baftinado would attend his obftinacy, acknowledged,
with a faltering accent, that his evil genius, in the
fhape of a termagant wife, made his days and nights
infupportably
-7
AN ARABIAN TALE. 177
infupportably vexatious. " Take that fellow, " faid

the Caliph to his fervants, " and give him inftantly five
Grandees, and the Court, a fecond time looked at each
other in aftoniſhment, but preferved the ftricteft filence .
At the command of the Caliph, the third man ftood
forth . " Muffulman ," faid Haroun al Raſchid, in
Ita fomewhat of a lefs intimidating tone, " let us hear thy
tale of forrow."- " Commander of the Faithful," faid
the man, I perceive that thou already knoweft the
forrows which opprefs my heart ; nevertheless, at thy
command, I, without hefitation, repeat, in the hearing
of the Court, that a profligate fon has been the difgrace
of my manhood, and is now the torment of my age."
" Take that honeft fellow," faid the Caliph, and
immediately give him a thouſand fequins." A third
time did the Imams, the Emirs, the Grandees, and the
Court look at each other in aftonifhment, without
venturing to inquire the reafon of the Caliph's moſt
extraordinary decifion .
Haroun al Rafchid, after looking upon them for
fome time with complacency, rofe from his throne, and
-
thus expreffed himself :
" Children of Alla," faid the Caliph, " the judg
ment which I have this day pronounced , appears to
fome of you harth and fevere, and to all of you inex
plicable: hear, then, my motives, and confefs the juftice
and beneficence of your prince. There is but one
God, and Mahomet is his prophet. Shall Muffulmen
indulge in bitter exclamations against Alla for incon
venience and trouble, which their own exertions can
remove ?
" Shall our holy Prophet be wearied with tears and
lamentations, which are only occafioned by his fervants'
indolence and pufillanimity? The firſt man whofe cafe
I heard, and whom I puniſhed as he deferved, impeach
ed the goodness of Providence, and the juftice of my
government alfo, for an evil which he himself could
15 have
178 RETROSPECT OF POLITICS .
have effectually removed. He had a bad and unjuſt

neighbour. Granted- but was it not in his power to
have changed his refidence, and to have followed his
occupation as a merchant in fome other place ?
" The fecond alfo was alike intemperate in his com
plaints. But why arraign Alla or his Prophet, when he
himfelf poffeffed the remedy of his fuffering ? He had a
bad and worthlefs wife ; but could he not immediately
have gone with her to the Imam, given her a writing
of divorce, and fent her away?
" As to the third man, confult your own hearts , and
confefs my juftice . From an ungracious child who can
fly ? From that forrow, what change of place, or what
decifion of the law, can preferve us ? It follows us
abroad, it wounds us in folitude, it difturbs our meals,
and haunts our pillows. In this cafe, pity is the flighteſt
boon we can beftow, and liberality is no more than
juſtice."
The Imams, the Emirs, the Grandees, and the Court
were no longer aftoniſhed, but confeffed aloud the wif
dom of the Caliph.
* a
RETROSPECT OF POLITICS,
FOR THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER 1793 .
NOT[OTHING could be more aufpicious than the

manner in which the fun entered the Balance : the
British fcale preponderated , and the French one kicked
the beam . Our enemies had loft their courage, their
towns, and their breeches, and the brave Auftrians
threatened to ftrip the fkin over their ears. We had
done much for the Emperor ; the crowns we gave to
the King of Sardinia were enough to confole him,
even if he had loft his own ; and the Prince of Heffe
Caffel was forced to confefs, that ifmany ofthe fwinifh
multitude had been flaughtered, he had nevertheleſs
brought his pigs to a fair market !
But though, like generous hofis, we began by
helping
123
RETROSPECT OF POLITICS , 179

helping our friends, it was ftill neceffary to do fome
thing for ourſelves. A law Lord, who remembered
that the wifeft thing he ever did was to quit his own
country, thought that the French would readily retire
from Dunkirk ; and that we fhould be great gainers
by taking a town, which one of our Kings had fold for
two hundred thousand pounds, if it were only to fell
again ! Some military Counfellors thought otherwife ;
but cedant arma toga was the word ; and, in purfuance
of his advice, the French were to be ferved with a
writ of ejectment. But, fome how or other, it proved
a writ of error !
The braveft army in the world carried on the fiege,
and as brave a one covered its operations ; but as there
was nothing to cover the covering army, the perfidious
French, whofe Punic faith is notorious, fell upon it.
unawares, killed great numbers, and, that they might
no longer be called Sans-culottes, were bafe enough to
ftrip the dead oftheir galligafkins.
An heaven - born and immaculate Miniſter was
ftanding ftiff, erect , and mufing over the plan of
Dunkirk, in the walls of which he had made a breach
with the point of his compaffes-" If we keep it at
the peace," faid he to himſelf, " it will be the ruin of
the fmugglers if we give it up, it will be a for
tune to fomebody !" At this moment a meffenger made
his appearance. " Sir," faid the meffenger, the be
fieging army has taken" -" Dunkirk, no doubt? " faid
the Minifter. " No, Sir, " replied the meflenger, " the‫د‬
‫ر‬
befieging army has taken flight. The covering army,'
added he, " has made" - " A glorious ftand, without
difpute ?" faid the Minifter, interrupting him again.
66
No, Sir," rejoined the meffenger, " the covering
army has made off ! As to the fhot and fhells, the
French have carried them into Dunkirk, and faved us
the trouble of throwing them over the walls. "
* The plan of attacking Dunkirk is attributed to Lord Lough

borough .
16 The
180 FRAGMENT.
The principal advantage gained by the enemy in this

affair, was the poffibility of coming at the Dutch, a
nation that wears five or fix pair of breeches apiece,
and is therefore the beft game that can be pursued by
the Sans-culottes. Our worthy allies, at whom we
laugh alike, whether they fight or run away, had often
manifefted their ſtrength ; and it remained for them on
this occafion to fhew their speed ; which, according to
Homer, Hudibras, and other grave men, is not the
leaft neceffary qualification for a warrior. As Atalanta
of old delayed her fleet purfuer by throwing a rich
temptation on his road, or as the caftor is faid to
fatisfy the hunter by leaving his odoriferous burden
behind him ; fo did the Dutch let drop their breeches
in fucceffion, to favour their efcape. The laft pair,
rich and redolent with gold of various coinage, was
fuch a load to the purfuers, that they gave up the
chafe : the young Prince, who was foremoft in the
race, went home to be breeched again ; and it is fup
pofed his troops will follow for the fame purpoſe.
But let not our countrymen defpond on hearing of
events, which, if properly confidered, are of no fort of
confequence. The ground we loft was not our own ;
the men who were killed were luckily Heffians and
Hanoverians, and will foon be paid for ; and the French
have promiſed to ſend us back our balls.
SIR ,
THEHE following fragment I found amongst fome
old records relating to the kingdom of Lilliput :
it appears to be a part of the hiftory of that kingdom .
Ifyou think it, or any part ofit, worth infertion , it is
at your fervice. I am, Sir,
Lliver .
CHARLES GULLIVER.
-The kingdom at this time was univerfally
convulfed. The King had iffued out his mandate to
affemble the Grand Senate inſtantly ; whilſt the national
militia
FRAGMENT. 181
militia were embodied and frightened out of their wits ;

as an infurrection was fuppofed to exift in the very
heart of the kingdom. I fay fuppofed, but indeed there
was good proof of it ; as a man, with a red night - cap
on his head, had been feen to walk feveral times paft
the Prime Minifter's window, one evening at dusk.
Billy Shallow, the Prime Minifter, now wrote a very
alarming fpeech, giving a horrid account of this infur
rection, which the King delivered at the opening of the
Grand Senate. The war- whoop of alarm was founded
from the throne to the cottage. The nobles trembled
for their titles ; the whole band of placemen and pen
fioners food aghaft ; and the old women locked up
their cats, for fear they fhould be eaten by the fwine,
for the want of other food. Affociations were formed
of placemen, penfioners, informers, and bill - ftickers,
for the purpofe of preferving the Conftitution (meaning
their places and penfions) , with Inquifitor Ninny, Efq.
at their head, who very fagaciouſly found out, that ten
thouſand men, with red caps, and without breeches,
were concealed in fome gravel -pits near the metropolis
of the kingdom ; and every man who dared to deny fo
evident a fact, was ftigmatized as an enemy to mankind
and his country. Debates now ran high in the Houfe
of Tools, which formerly confifted of a number of in
dependent gentlemen , freely elected by the people at
large to take care of their freedom, and to control the
Government in any act which tended to prejudice the
real interefts of the nation : but the Miniſters of late
years have been fo immaculate, and fo extremely virtu
ous, that this check has become unneceffary. The
majority of the Houfe now confifts of men appointed
partly by the Miniſter, and partly by the great Lords,
whofe bufinefs is to give the formality of a legal fanc
tion to the acts of the Minifter, which otherwife would
not quite accord with apparent law. A party who
conftantly oppofe the Minifter, always exifts in the
Houfe, which may be divided into three claffes, viz.
thofe
282 FRAGMENT.
thofe who growl becauſethe Minifter won't admit them

into place ; thofe who bawl and make a great noife, in
hopes of inducing the Minifter to ftop their mouths
with a loaf or a fifh ; and a third claſs (which confifis
ofvery few indeed) , who have the real interetts of the
people folely in view. But enough of digreffion . De
bates ran high in the Houfe : the Miniftry, who , not
withftanding they had the evidence of the red night
cap, and had made a ſtrict ſearch throughout the king
dom , could not find the fo - much- talked -of infurrection,
now confidently afferted the fact of the ten thouſand
men being concealed in the gravel- pits, whilst the Op
pofition as confidently denied it. But the Miniſter's
faithful majority concurred with him in an addrefs to the
Throne, approving of the exertions which had been
made to repel the infurrection . This æra was rendered
remarkable by Ned Rhapfodie, Will Logic, and fome
others of the Houfe of Tools (who had been ftrenu
ous opponents of Billy Shallow) , dreaming of red caps
and calves' heads, which fo terrified them, that they fled,
tremblingly alarmed, to the fide of the Minifter, for
protection against fuch bugbears. The debates were
likewife high in the Houfe of Grand Tools, which, it
fhould be obferved, is formed, with refpect to majority
and minority, in the fame manner as the Houfe of
Tools . Here, likewife, the Miniſter's faithful majo
rity concurred in the fame meaſure as his band in the
Houfe ofTools . The Duke of Turncoat, Lord Prate
apace, Lord Noodle, and fome others in the Houfe of
Grand Tools, were fightened in the fame manner as
Ned Rhapfodie and the others . Lord Prateapace, in
particular, was fo extremely alarmed, that he jumped
into the Prefident's chair for protection . Billy Shal
low how having his meafures fanctioned by legal for
mality, turned his thoughts to a war with the Galli
gafkins, of whom it will be here neceffary to fpeak..
The Ga ligatkin nation had for fome centuries been
obliged to eat their foup with the wrong end of the
fpoon ,
FRAGMENT . 183.
fpoon, till at laft daring to think for themselves, they

determined to eat it with the right end. This deter
mination was no fooner formed than executed by the
greater part of the nation, whilft they baniſhed all thofe
who adhered to the old way. The furrounding Kings,
whofe fubjects were ftill obliged to eat it with the
wrong end, became furious to madnefs at the idea of a
fwinifh multitude daring to think for themfelves, and
determined to chaftife them for their extreme infolence.
Accordingly, the Emperor of Whiſkerandos and the
King of Swindlers attacked them molt furioufly, and
in the end obtained the most glorious advantages , as
the Galligafkins conquered a valuable part of the
former's dominions, and then proceeded to attack the
Argentine nation (a pretended Republic) , clofe adjoin
ing, threatening it with total annihilation . During
all this, Billy Shallow, not choofing to put himſelf to
the pain of declaring open war, had proceeded in a
back-ftairs manner to infult them , in many inftances
very groffly, until they were goaded on to declare war
againft Lilliput. Mafter Billy, now arrived at the
point he was aiming at, expofed to the Senate the per
fidy and villainy of the Galligaſkins, in declaring war,
without any provocation, and demanded the trifling
fum of two or three millions of argents (an argent is
about twenty fhillings fterling), to defend the nation
against fo profligate an attack . His faithful majority
accordingly granted all his demands, without a fyllable
of inquiry, trufting in all refpects to his immaculate
purity. The Minifter now fent over a large body of
troops, openly avowing it as their buſineſs to chaſtiſe
the Galligafkins, and oblige them to give up their con
quefts ; but fecretly intending they fhould join the
confederated Kings in obliging that nation to eat their
foup again with the wrong end of the ſpoon.More
troops were afterwards fent over for the fame purpoſe ;
and the combined Powers, after the moft glorious cam
paign, not only drove the Galligafkins out of their con
quefts,
184 FRAGMENT.
quefts, but actually conquered a few inches of the Gal

ligafkin territory, with the lofs of fome officers and only
about 100,000 private men ; an exploit that will cover
the Generals with immortal honour. During this
fcene of glory and renown, many other remarkable
events happened. Mr. Inquifitor Ninny denounced
imprifonment and pillory against every man who ſhould
dare to affert that the people had a right to eat their
foup with the right end of the fpoon ; and fome were
actually punished for making the affertion. Lord
Bobadil and Sir Bilberry Diddle took a fea-port belong
ing to the Galligafkins, with feveral of their fhips, and
held them in truft for an imprifoned Galligafkin Prince,
until the combined Powers fhould be enabled to com
plete their defigns upon that nation, by extirpating all
the men, and then obliging all the women and children
to eat their foup with the wrong end ofthe ſpoon. For
tune, however, jostled his Lordship and Sir Bilberry,
and the town became untenable : when they moſt he
roically, and with the moft exalted juftice and equity,
burnt the fhips, and a part of the town , in truft for the
fame Prince. The Duke of Gunpowder, who was the
General of Fortification, fortified the tower of the me
tropolis in the moſt able manner, with fand - bags and
empty eafks ; intending, with the most engineer- like
exactnefs, that the former fhould be thrown at its af
failants, for the purpoſe of blinding them ; and when
that was effected , the latter fhould be fired perpendi
cularly upon them ; by which means each man being
encloſed in a cafk, that, by its natural propensity to
rolling, would tumble him into the adjoining river,
the affailants would all be drowned . Such was
the immenfe and able plan of this exalted Gene
´ral. Let us now return to that most glorious and
juft war, where we left the combined Powers in pof
feffion of fo much glory and renown. Thefe Powers,
animated by their recent moft glorious fucceffes, entered
upon another campaign with fury, and had the moſt
complete
FRAGMENT. 185
complete fatisfaction of running away to the tune of

Galligafkin mufic, with which they were fo delighted,
that they left their baggage and ammunition to the
Galligafkins, as a reward for treating them with fuch
delicious tunes . An action that will cover them with
immeafurable renown ! The trumpettrumpet of Fame will
found it to pofterity as an exploit never equalled by all
the heroes of antiquity. During this, the Lilliputians
had conquered fone of the Galligafkin colonies . Seve
ral remarkable events likewife happened . An alarm
was founded from one end of the kingdom to the other,
that the Galligafkins had landed 100,000 men with red
caps and no breeches, who were marching quick to the
capital, through the by- roads and back-ways . Terror
thook the kingdom to its centre. Lawyers, Parfons ,
and Phyficians, mounted their horfes, changed their
gowns and wigs for fwords and truncheons, and took
the field, trembling at every bray of an afs, fearing it
to be the dreaded enemy. Books and papers were
feized, that treafon might be diftilled out of them,
whilft their owners were fent to prifon , till their offences
were found out. The Miniftry faw every thing through
a red cap medium ; and the whole kingdom waited in
dreadful expectation till the enemy fhould think proper
to appear When, lo ! it turned out that all the terror
was occafioned by an Alarmift feeing the fign of a red
cap at a little diftance from the metropolis, which fo
horribly frightened him , that he dreamt of a Galligaf
kin army being landed, and believed it a real fact when
be awoke. Billy Shallow now carried tax after tax in
the Houfe of Tools , and invaded the liberties of the
people with impunity. The Galligafkins, in the mean
time, continually victorious, entered the metropolis of
the Argentine nation in triumph, and annihilated their
pretended republic. Billy Shallow was now forced to
beg humbly for peace ; which was granted, on condi
tion of giving up all the Lilliputian conquefts ; of ac
knowledging the right of the Galligafkins to their new
conquests ;
186 ABSENCE .
conquefts ; and likewife their right to eat their foup as

they pleafed. Thefe conditions the Minifter acceded
to. Thus ended this moft glorious, juft , and neceffary
war, after having coft Lilliput about 60 millions of
argents, and about 100,000 men. The people, juftly
exafperated at fo flagrant and profligate a waste of their
blood and treafure, in fupporting the perfidious fchemes
of their Minifters, recovered from the delufion in which
they had been involved by the arts of the Miniftry, and
loudly and univerfally demanded that they ſhould be
equally reprefented . The Miniftry, unwilling to ac
cede to a meaſure which would effectually take away
their places, their influence, and their patronage, tem
porized till the moment of conciliation was paffed away..
-Cetera defunt.
ABSENCE.
SWEET Girl ! fince you left me and went out of town,
I fcarce utter a word, and I conftantly frown ;
As for business or pleaſure, I think them but folly,
'And while others are laughing-l'in quite melancholy.
When I wake in the morning, I turn me around,
But, alas my lov'd Sufan is not to be found ;
When your pillow unprefs'd makes your abfence quite certain,
I curfe blankets and theets, and ſwear at the curtain.
When I leap out of bed, ftill your image bewitches;
I'm at least twenty minutes in finding my breeches ;
And after I'm drefs'd a full hour or more,
I find they are button'd the wrong fide before.
Ah! Sufan, at breakfaſt, how happy we've been,
O'er the fragrant infufion of eight-fhilling green,
While rapture attended on every fip,
And I envied the cup the foft touch of your lip.
But now on the table I carelessly loll,
My appetite 's gone-I can fcarce eat a roll ;
And I cannot help thinking, while drinking my tea,
That the white fugar ' s brown, and the hyfon - bohea.
At dinner- whenever your eye glanc'd a wifh
Tow'rds the hot roafted fowl- how I feiz'd on the dish!
Then
PHILOSOPHIE DE L'UNIVERS. 187
Then fent you a wing, and a bit of the breaſt

For fancy till whisper'd me what you lik'd beft.
But now I'm fo ſtupid I care not a button
ns Who carves out the beef, or who cuts up the mutton
I fpill butter and gravy all over the cloth,
And when I drink porter-run my noſe in the froth.
The fofa ! on which we ' ve fo often beguil'd
*** F
The lingering hours, while you liften'd and fmil'd ;
Till rapture its tenderett language would fpeak,
And the tears of delight I have kiſs'd from your cheek→→→→
Sweet fofa ! farewell, for thy influence is o'er,
The lingering hours now but linger the more ;
And with tears of delight my eye never o'erflows,
For I've got a bad cold, and they run from my nofe.
Then hafte back to town, my fweet Sufan, and prove
All the whimsical pleaſures that wait upon love ;
Our days fhall be pafs'd in frolicfome flirting,
And as for our nights ! -I here drop the curtain.
FOZHUE.
PHILOSOPHIE DE L'UNIVERS.
OROMASIS .
A POEM IN DIALOGUE, BY M. Dupont de NEMOURS.
SCENE At the Commencement of the World.
Perfons of the Drama. -Oromafis and Arimanes, the Spirits
Good and Evil.
" L'Existence eft la demonftration du bien. "
OROMASIS - At length I have overcome thee.
In fpite of thy oppofition, I now affume poffeffion
of matter, and proceed to create the world .
Arimanes, d Thou haft overcome, but thou hast not
deftroyed me. My deftruction is even beyond thy
power to accomplish . Like thyfelf, I am immortal.
I fhall be thine eternal foe. Difpofe of matter at thy
pleafure, from which however thou fhalt never be
able to banish me. Create thy world..
Oromafis
188 PHILOSOPHIE DE L'UNIVERS .
Oromafis . From the breaft of Chaos feparate thy

felf; come forth, flame ethereal ; unite again' into
1
globes, and in millions of milliards become Suns,
revolving upon your axes, in the place which fhall
be fixed by the equilibrium of your reciprocal attrac
tions. Conftitute the baſes and the movers of the
Univerfe.
Matter lefs perfect, Air, Earth, Water- elements
that affume thefe various fhapes according to the dif
ferent degrees of heat with which you are impreg
nated - changing Proteus, triple Hecate- form your
felves into globes lefs confiderable, lefs brilliant, more
numerous, more habitable. Be diftributed among
thofe Suns that fhall communicate to you motion, and
difpenfe to you light.
Around that Sun by which they are governed, and
in the mode preferibed by his revolution, let the largeſt
among you traverſe the circle of their vaft orbit.
Follow him like friends rather than flaves. You pof
fefs an influence ; difplay it in the proportion of your
maffes, to the almoft infinite diftances by which you.
are feparated. Let your courfe through the ocean of
light, already determined by the impulfion beftowed
by your particular Sun, be regulated by his attraction,
by your own, by that which the Planets, your fifters,
and yourfelves, fhall mutually exert over each other,
and even over him .
Let the ſmaller, ferving as Satellites to the former,
re-acting upon them, yet carried along in a correfpond
ing revolution, more diftinguifhed by them than Suns
of another celeftial family by the fuperior connexion
they maintain, and the fenfible influence they exert,
compofe perpetual links, revolving at once round their
of. dr.
axis their Sun, and their prevailing Planet.
Hoft of Heaven, march !
VArimanes. —All this is as yet but mechanifm , with
which my inventive genius takes no concern. Pro
ceed, Oromafis... 9: 0
Oromafis.
PHILOSOPHIE DE L'UNIVERS . 189
Oromafis.-Planets ! my beloved daughters , let the

aëry fluid let the vapours by which you are fur
rounded, refracting, collecting, concentrating the folar
rays, diffuſe over your vallies a genial warmth ; while
your mountains and your poles, refervoirs of ice,
which the obliquity of your ecliptic alternately melt
ing and renewing, fhall fupply the channels of the
rivers, and feed the waters of the ocean ; from which
again fhall proceed new vapours, inexhauſtible mothers
of new fprings. Let them be condenſed by the
coolness of the morning into gentle dews, and, as the
wants of Nature require, let them be precipitated by
a rapid guft of wind in copious fhowers.
Arimanes. Let them form alfo the dreary fnow,
the defolating hail, the deftroying thunder .
Oromafis. - Plants ! arife in your varied fpecies,
your different beauties, your tranquil enjoyments.
In you fhall commence animation . Upon you I beftow
the faculty of developing your own forms and providing
your own nourishment. You I endow with the bleff
ing of reproducing yourſelves. Into you I infufe
the firft fpark of creative fire. You fhall feel the
power of Love : The youthful poppy, at firft unable,
without drooping, to fupport the weight of his little
bud, foon as the generative flame has glided through
his fibres, fhall rear aloft to heaven his fpreading flower,
gaudy in pride and voluptuouſneſs, now about to give.
place to his crowned fruit which fhall fcatter afar his
produ& tive grains. Palpitate, lovely and perfumed
rofe, rich and odoriferous pink, beauteous tulip, noble
lily, fweet tuberofe, and thou too, timid violet, with
thee alfo chafte and modeft muſhroom, live ! love !
Let the zephyr carefs you, let the ſhowers fupply your
nourishment, and let the Sun brighten your colours,
and confirm your ftrength *.
Arimanes.Among you fhall poifons fpring.
Oromafis (to Arimanes) .They hall not, however,
L
* Quem mulcent auræ, firmat fol, nutrit imber. CATULLUS.
be
190 PHILOSOPHIE DE L'UNIVERS.
be poifon to themfelves. They too fhall participate

enjoyment, like the reft ; and do you know that I may
not endow them with as many useful properties as thou
fbalt infufe noxious qualities ?
(Continuing his work.) Animals, appear.- You in a
higher degree than the plants, each according to your
rank, fhall poffefs memory, reflection, the power of
reafoning, and of labour.
Your loves fhall be more exquifite and moral .
They fhall not be always confined to mere phyfical
pleaſure. You will ftrive to pleafe, P and you fhall.
pleafe. Many of you fhall live together in families.
Almoft all your females, and part of your males, fhall
know the tender delight of loving their children-a
fentiment fo delicious and fo pure, as to infpire me,
the Father and Ruler of the world, with the defign of
giving you life.
Arimanes. The gentleft of them fhall wage war
with thy plants, and with their teeth fhall, without
remorfe, tear, mangle, and devour them. The greater
part even fhall devour one another.
Oromafis (to Arimanes ) . It is neceffary that they
fhould ceaſe to be ; and I return you thanks, that by
thy cruelty thou provideft me, in this matter fo limited,
with the means of conferring exiſtence upon a greater
number of animated beings. ( Refuming his work.)
I proceed to form the first of Animals, that which
is deftined to excel them all in knowledge and in hap-.
pinefs, His circular head ſhall contain a greater mafs
of that exquifitely laboured matter, which I can render
the organ 1 of thoughts. I fball place the occipital
orifice nearer the face ; and alone of all the creatures ,
I have formed, this auguft animal fhall point his looks .
to heaven. He alone fhall be able to conceive any:
idea of my existence, feeble indeed, and inadequate,
yet juft. I will open his J heart to the fentiment of
piety. He, in a higher degree than all the other
beings I have created, ſhall be myſon ; for he alone
: among
among them fhall be able to recognife and to adore

in me a father and benefactor. His erect ftature ſhall
give his form an appearance of greater fize and dignity
than most of the animals that are fuperior to him in
ftrength . His legs thall be fufficient for walking and
running ; his induftrious hands fhall be left free for
arms * and for the arts. Theſe, but chiefly the fupe
riority and perfectibility of his mind, thall fubject to`
his dominion the various inhabitants of his terreſtrial
globe. He fhall become their King. The horfe and
the dog fhall be his amiable and faithful fervants ; the
fturdy bull, the fanguinary wolf, the formidable lion,
the furious tiger, the voracious crocodile, the huge
and fagacions elephant, the fierce rhinoceros, fhall'
yield him obedience, or fly from his purfuit. Behold
Man! I breathe upon him with complacency the
breath divine ; I give him life !
Arimanes. ----And II give him death !
Oromafis .-Infenfate, thou doft not perceive, that it
is thou thyfelf that completeft my work. Ah! what
could be made of life without death ?
Then I fhould not have poffeffed the power to grant
him love. Matter would have been infufficient for
the 1 multiplication of a race of immortal men . He
would then have been no fon, nor hufband, nor father.
He would have funk below the plant . In his miferable
exiſtence, he would have experienced only torment
without end. His life would not have been preferable
to that death which he derives from thee, or rather .
from me, through thy agency. Thou haft rendered
death hideous, and this is all thou art able to perform .
Nature and I have made it falutary and good .
(To Man.) Man it is my will that you reſemble
1
me as much as a creature can reſemble a deity. I
14 ) 2.
give thee strength.
Que demost
* Here the author is incorrect -The neceffity for the ufe of arms2
ought to have been an endowment ofArimanes.
2 Arimanesi
192 PHILOSOPHIE DE L'UNIVERS. ,
Arimanes.I fhall confume it by fatigue.

R Oromafis .-Courage.
Arimanes.-I fhall convert it into rage.
Oromafis.-Reafon.
Arimanes. I fhall miſlead it by paffion and by
error.
Oromafis (Still to Man) . For thy happineſs I ſhall
combine all my efforts to form my laft mafter- piece.
Among the plants, the flower which is defined
to produce fruit, I have formed in the moſt agreeable
To
and brilliant fhape, and finiſhed with the niceft ſkill.
Woman fhall be the flower of human kind.
Come to me, all ye elements of beauty, of grace,
get
virtue, fenfibility, beneficence, and gentlenefs, com
bine and arrange yourſelves to pleaſe and to enchant.
Man I could form after my own image ; for Woman
I have no model, but in bright fancy. Let her be
the most perfect of vifible creatures- and, if the can,
the most happy.
Let her heart beat with a livelier pulfe than that
of Man. Let her live more in a lefs time ; and yet,
that ſhe may enjoy a longer career, fhe fhall be good
and ufeful to her laft moment. Let her blefs three
generations. Let her conftitute the happineſs of her
lover, of her children, and even of her grandchil
dren ; and in each varying age let the tenderneſs fhe
inspires be mingled with refpect . Let her delicate
nerves convey to every fenfe rapid affections. Let her
flender foot be proper for the dance, and her white
hand to bestow careffes. Let her forbear to employ
them profufely in the ſwift courſe, and in labours too
fevere. Let her elegant form, and her round limbs,
difplay and infpire temptation in all their movements.
Let them be covered with a foft fatin, not to be
touched without inflaming the daring hand. Let her
fine eyes be the mirror of her foul, in which the ob
ferver fhall read an indulgent and affecting kindneſs ;
even while the drops them on the ground, let them
betray
PHILOSOPHIE DE L'UNIVERS ,. 193
betray her fecret wifhes. Let her breath diffuſe the
perfumes of the peach . Let the gentle down be
fpread upon her cheeks- let them be coloured by an
expreffive vermilion, which in the emotion of a ten
der thought, ingenuous fhame fhall diffufe even over .
her brow modefty. Let her enchanting bofom repre-.
fent the celestial globes, of which a rofe - bud fhall
form the magnetic pole. Let it offer to defire its
firit enjoyment - its firft nourishment to infancy ;
and let man ever remain in doubt, whether it has
moft contributed to the happineſs of the father or
of the fon. Let her long ringlets , flowing and yet
bound, ferve at once to fo many charms as the veil
and the ornament : let them be the fhelter of the new
born infant, and when chance-but more, when af
fection fhall divide them, let the lover feel as if along
with them the heavens were opened .
Arife, Goddefs, whofe charms even inſpire emotion
in him by whom thou art formed. Go , and reign
over thy companion , who fhall believe himfelf the
mafter becauſe he is the ftronger, but who only is en
dowed with fuperior ftrength, the better to defend and
to ferve thee.
I give thee one want, love-one bufinefs , love-one
duty, love- one recompenfe , love.
Arimanes.I have furveyed the Goddefs, and I
acknowledge the reflections that arofe within me. " Is
it poffible," faid.I, " that this merciless Oromafis can have
rendered Man, whom he has created, more happy than I
Iwho am a God- am able to be ?" But availing myfelf,
of the imprudence with which thou haft lavifhed thy,
praiſes upon her, and of the enthufiafin with which
the infpires her lover, I have breathed into her heart
vanity, from which coquetry will inevitably ſpring.
Perhaps no woman fhall be exempt from thefe two
defects, or if there fhould be one--but fhe would then
be no longer a woman, and to difcover her would re
quire the fearch of many thoufand ages.
VOL. I. K The
The moſt virtuous and the moſt faithful will delight

in the homage of flames which they do not intend to
gratify. Their refufal even ſhall be attractive : they
fhall adorn it with the names of efteem and friend
fhip. They fhall fay, " Indulge not hope ;" perhaps
they will imagine that they do not give hope ; but
the feductive charm of their voice, and that felf- merit
with which, by the care I have employed, this Man
of thine fhall be devoured, fhall reply, " Hope is not
yet extinct." The gentleness of their character, even
under the femblance of confolation, fhall ferve to
confirm this idea by a perceptible train of kindneſs,
infinuating looks , and little attentions. They fhall
thus, whether by defign or accident, deceive the lover
whom they mean to difmifs. They fhall trouble, and
often they fhall deftroy, the happinefs of the man
whom they have chofen .
Thou haft bestowed upon them love- love, a name
which I cannot even hear without madness ; 1 , who
am condemned by my nature to the torment of being
incapable of either loving, or of producing, to the rage
of hate and deftruction ; I then invent jealousy. Thou
art unacquainted with its diftractions. Happy Oro
mafis ! thou haft no equal. I, however, have found
a fuperior in my equal, and unextinguifhable jealouſy
burns in my heart. I fhall diftil upon man, and upon
woman, its infernal poifon. It fhall be the fruit of
their moral loves, which thou haft boafted with for
much emphafis. The plants that await the favours of
love, like thofe of the refreshing fhower, and to whom
every pifil and every ftamen is agreeable, are ignorant
of this malady. But animals, and moſt of all Man ,
fhall know what it is to prefer, and fhall be folicitous to
be preferred. I fhall fteep in venom this natural feel
ing ; I fhall fow difquietudes in his breaft ; jealouſy
fhall be keen and penetrating ; the juftice of its ob
fervations fhall inceffantly embitter the agony of its
conjectures ; it fhall pierce on every fide, with ſtabs
perpetually
perpetually redoubled , the heart which it once has

touched. It fhall agitate the mind between the frantic
defire of combat and the infanity of fuicide. It fhall be
incapable of diffimulation . Its reproaches, partly juft,.
partly unfounded, thall difguft the woman who knew
ht herſelf innocent, and wifhed to remain fo : and often
thefe reproaches fhall drive her into guilt. But the
Van never would have forfeited her innocence if he had not
been infected with coquetry ; and never would have
Pre wantoned amidst the fares of coquetry, had the not
been actuated by vanity. I fhall do the whole.
I fpeak only too of women who fhall have preferved
the foul of honour, who fhall be worthy of esteem ,
who fhall figh for their weaknefs, who fhall lament
their anger, and weep in anguifh the defpair and the
lofs of the true friend of their heart. In their fuffer
ings fhall I brave you the moft. I fhall mingle with
bitternefs their fweeteft recollections. I fhall ftrive to
increate their mifery, in proportion as thou haft
placed thy pleafure and thy glory, in rendering then
capable of a virtue the moſt pure, and a happineſs the
moft exalted.
Oromafis .- Thou haft now unriddled the enigma of
the world.
Of itſelf matter was inert, and fuch it was thy with
that it fhould remain. On this account firft thou ven
turedit to fight against me.
Compelled to allow me to infpire it with animation,
thy only refource was to profit by its eternal qualities,
on to blend fome evil with the good which I was to eſta
blish . But thou couldft only place evil where I had 4
Lun placed good. Thou couldft only turn the faculty of
thinking into pain, becaufe I had opened it to enjoy
ment and to felicity. Thou couldft only invent guilt
and mifery , becaufe I had created virtue and pleafure.
Slave while thou clankeft thy fetters, thou fheweft
that thou art bound ; and thou promoteft my forvice
even by exerting thy malignity.
21 K 2 Couldft
1.96 PHILOSOPHIE DE L'UNIVERS .
Couldst thou give predominance to evil- could

thou only put it in equilibrium with good, every thing
would flop, generation would ceafe, life would be de
ftroyed, and again fhould we begin to contend for
chaos . The exiftence and the duration of the uni
verfe are, and fhall remain, the eternal proof of thy
inferiority .
Foul ferpent ! thou crawleft in my train, ftaining .
with a portion of thy venom my works, which thou
art unable to penetrate and to deſtroy. I weigh in the
fcales of my benevolence the quantity of pain with
which I fhall permit thee to enhance the value of the
numberlefs enjoyments I have produced. It is in
exact , but ever fubordinate, proportion to the good of
which I conceive the idea and the wiſh .
Wherever I do not place life, or fomething that
holds a relation to life, thy power ceafes .
Wherever I beftow only a fmall portion of life and
གཕྱི་
of morality, thou canft introduce but little evil.

སྒྲོགས་
ནང
Where I fcatter my favours with a liberal hand—

where I place refined organs, and exquifite fenfibility,
རིངས
པ་གི
an intoxicating tendernefs in friendship or in love,

knowledge, paffion, the enthufiafm of honour and of
virtue, in bodies whofe emotions are easily excited,
and in fouls of expanfive intelligence, thou canft eafily
imprint thy wounds and fhed thy poifons. They-affect
with pain, and fuffering expreffes itself in complaint.
But choofe as judges thofe even who are intereſted in
the decifion- confult all the living beings that have
iffued from my hands . Not one of them would wiſh
to loſe a part of his life- and, to be releafed from his
fufferings, confent to be deprived of his enjoyments.
The plant in its confufed fenfation, could it conceive a
fettled with, would not defire to be a fione. The more
enlightened would reject the ftate of the plant. Man
would be mortified were he degraded into a brute ; and
the man of genius, the man of a fufceptible and cuer
getic mind, would prefer death to the ignominy of
being
**** **
A SPECIMEN OF A NEW DICTIONARY. 197
being thruft down to the loweft rank of his fpecies..

Each rather endeavours to elevate himſelf to a more
dignified fituation. Each labours inceffantly to aug
ment his pains, in order to increaſe his pleafures . To
fuffer in order to enjoy, is to live ; and whoever has re
ceived life, loves and is folicitous to preferve it .
Leave me then to carry to perfection the beings
whom I have created capable of it. Man and woman
are yet new, and in a kind of childhood ; per
haps in their golden age their fpecies is deftined to
reach a higher degree of elevation . I muft lead them
by the path of the fciences and the arts into political
focieties, and to the greateſt poffible multiplication of
happy beings.
Arimanes.Thou prepareft for me a vast career : thy
fciences, thy political focieties, thy multiplication of
the human race, fhall bring with them crimes and
evils which cannot be contemplated without horror.
Oromafis. I believe, Arimanes, they will produce
ineftimable advantages. In due time we fhall fee. I
knowthy perverfity; but I know too the limits of thy
power. The nature of things does not allow me to
prevent fuffering where there is life ; but neither fhalt
thou prevent the existence of more good than evil, nor
life itfelf from being accounted a good .
A SPECIMEN OF A NEW DICTIONARY,-

ADAPTED TO THE 66 EXISTING CIRCUMSTANCES.
ADMINISTRATION-A Partition Treaty among

ten or twelve noblemen and gentlemen of different
political principles, to fhare all the great offices of the
ftate for the purpofe offupporting the Conflitution.
Allies-Any number of armies who unite in the profe
cution of a war in which each party has aseparate
intereft .
K3 Alarmift
198 A SPECIMEN OF A NEW DICTIONARY .
Alarmifi-Any nobleman or gentleman who wants a

place.
Bellum Internecinum -An expenfive and bloody war,
undertaken for procuring a change of adminiſtration
-in France.
Coalition- Vide Adminiftration ..
A Jacobin- Any perfon who oppofes the folly of the
prefent war, or any of the meafures of his Majelty's .
minifters.
Oppofition-Jacobins .
Subfidy-A large fum of money given to any Sovereign
Prince for the protection of his own dominions.
A Glorious Victory--A temporary repulfe ofthe enemy,
with great flaughter on both fides.
A Retreat-Taking a new pofition, or advancing back
wards.
A Defeat Aflight check, with the lofs of cannon and
camp equipage.
A State Secret- What every body knows .
A Treaty-A folemn engagement between two Sove
reign Princes , never to be broken, except when con
venient to either party.
The House of Commons- A fet of gentlemen chofen by
a few individuals, to fupply the Minifter with m ney.
Parliamentary Reform- A very defirable thing, but not
fit to be difcuffed either in time of war or in time of
peace.
Rational Liberty-The fufpenfion of the Habeas Corpus
A& , the eftablishment of Spies, fecret examina
tions, & c.
Church and State- The Lithops and his Majefty's minif
ters.
Liberty ofthe Prefs - The liberty of praifing Adminiſtra
tion , and libelling their opponents .
Exifting Circumftan es- Any public difafter that may
ferve as a pretext for minifters changing their mea
fures, and keeping their places - fuch as the retreat
of the allied armies into Holland .
CONSEQUENCES
( 199 )
CONSEQUENCES OF AN INVASION OF THIS

COUNTRY BY THE FRENCH.
195WH [From the Telegraph .]
SHOULD the French be rath enough to attempt the

invafion of England, and fortunate enough to make
good their landing, there can be no doubt but that they
would be beaten back by the valour of Englishmen.
Great, however, would be the confternation ; and the
following confequences would be the refult of their
audacity :
The Confols would be very low indeed, how low no
man can pretend to fay ; and as for Scrip. Omnium,
Navy, and Exchequer Bills, why, they would be rather
flat.
All the Maids of Honour, and moft of our fafhion
able ladies, would be ready to faint at the idea of
thefe Sans-culottes : the thoughts of a general raviſh
ment would go near to kill them .
۲۴۰ The Yeoman Cavalry, and the Fencible Corps,
would be in high ſpirits, and glory in the occafion to
285
fignalize their valour.

bi The Bank Directors would look grave, and fo would
2
the monied men- they would not be able to tell what

would come of it.
The democratic villains in the country would aſk for
arms to repel the foe, but Mr. Pitt and his accomplices
would be almoft afraid to truft them .
pss
All the fhops would be fhut up in London , and the
Men-milliners and He-haberdaſhers would be in re
quifition. }
The News-boys with their horns would make a
۲۵۰ great noife in the world.
23
The Theatres would exhibit empty benches, and

poft- horfes would be difficult to obtain.
There would be fome fine fpeaking in St. Stephen's
Chapel, and fome of its members would feel queerly.
The ſpirit of the people, and their attachment to our
37
K 4 glorious
200 THE EXPENSE OF ECONOMY .
glorious conftitution , would be fhewn in the brighteſt

colours.
The Alarmifts would be really alarmed . Meffrs,
Pitt, Dundas, Burke, Windham, and Lord Grenville,
and the Chancellor, would have a grand dinner, and
afterwards there would be a Cabinet Council !
All differences would be adjuſted in Pall - Mall, and
the prospect of Windfor Keep would be gloriouſly im
preffive.
" God fave the King" would be fung in every corner
of the kingdom.
There would be fome great victories ; and the tri
umph of Old England would be complete.
1 THE EXPENSE OF ECONOMY...

[From the Courier.]
Do you know, Mr. Editor, that I am in the high
road to be ruined by economy ? Never did a
poor man pay fo dear in order to fave money, and it
is all owing to the cry that you and others have fet up
about fcarcity, that I am fairly driven out of my own
houfe, and am the laughing - ſtock of all my neigh
bours.
You muſt know that I have the good fortune to
enjoy the beft wife in the world. She is a pattern to
all her acquaintance ; the looks into every thing her
felf, is quite notable, a great manager, an excellent
market-woman, and knows the cheapeſt fhop in town
for every article we want. This is not only a great
comfort as well as faving to ourselves, but a great
convenience to our friends ; for when any of them
want to buy a gown, or a pound of raifins, they are
fure not only to confult my wife, but to take her with
them for fear that they fhould be impofed upon ; and
the kind foul is every day upon her feet trudging into
the city with one friend or another, becauſe really in
the city things may be bought for almoſt half price ;
and
THE EXPENSE OF ECONOMY. 201
and this I can affure you is true, from the extraordi

nary bargains that the conftantly makes.
l But, Sir, to my misfortunes. I need not tell you,
ville! Sir, who have fo well defcribed the prefent fcarcity,
that every feeling heart is anxious to leffen the con
fumption of wheat, and to make as great a faving as
9.8
poffible of bread in thefe hard times. The number of

fubftitutes for flour which have been fuggefted by the
ingenious Sir John Sinclair, Prefident of the Board of
Ome Agriculture, and others, ftruck my wife very forcibly.
" Dear me," the faid one morning at breakfaft,
"how fimple the recipe is-juft one half flour and one
half potatoes. I declare I will try it, and then we fhall
make our own bread, and what a faving that will be !
it is but having a little caft- iron oven put up at the fide
of the kitchen grate, and it will be the moft conve
nient and handy thing in the world ; it will bake à
pie, or a few tarts upon an occafion ; and you know,
my love, it will keep your leg of mutton hot and com
fortable any time that you should happen to be de
tained at the counting-houfe. What do you think of
NA it, my dear ?"
I never have an opinion of my own upon any fubject
of this kind. My wife is fovereign out of the count,
et ing-houfe, which is my only territory. My dear,"
W fays I, " you know beft . It is furely the duty of every
Met one to leffen the confumption of wheat, and if you
think a mixed bread will aufwer, I would have you to
try it ; but, my love, might you not make your ex
periments, and fend the loaf to the bakehoufe, and not
el buy an oven till you fee how it answers ?" Oh dear
no, by no means ; now that is always your way. My
are confcience ! truft a baker with an experiment when he
is to be deprived of our custom , if it fucceeds. No, I
Mit thank you. Why, he would ,burn it on purpofe. "
There is no arguing with my wife, the is fo clever ;
and befides, when once the takes up a thing, the finds
out fo many advantages in a minute that did not01firike
K 5 her
202 THE EXPENSE OF ECONOMY.
her at firft, that the fecond reafons are often more

forcible than the original inducement. This was pre
cifely the cafe about the little caft-iron oven ; it was
thought of only for the fake of the potatoe bread, but
fuch a variety of ufes for an oven came crowding up
in her mind, that fhe wondered how we had ever been
able to go on without an oven : an oven would fave
itfelf in two months in the expenfe of fuel, for the
declared, for her own part, that he liked baked meat
as well as roaft, and whenever I dined out, the and the
children could do very well with a bit of a beef- ſteak
pie, or a baked fhoulder of mutton : and befides, a
caft -iron oven was no expenſe ; fhe faw one fold at an
auction for a couple of guineas, and fhe was fure the
knew the broker that bought it, and would fell it again
cheap. I did not ſay a word more.
When I came home to dinner, my wife told me
with great joy that the had got the oven, and the mafon
was coming in the morning to fet it ; and fhe had
only paid two guineas and a half, and it was as good
as new . There was not a fingle crack about it, and
it was quite charming. There was only one thing that
The did not know how to manage ; there was not room
by the fide of the fire for the oven, without removing
the boiler ; but he was fure, if the mafon had not
been an aſs , he might have contrived it fomehow :
but, hang the copper, it was not wanted often ; it
might be put up in the little back cellar near to the
ftable. It would be eafy, the mafon faid, to carry up
a flue. I faw fhe had fettled the whole plan , and the
entertained me during dinner with the preparations the
had made for our new bread. She was fure, the faid,
that potatoes would be dear, becaufe every body was
going to eat them , and (he had therefore the precaution
to buy in as many as the thought would ferve us for
the winter. " Good God ! my dear, they will ſpoil.
Where can you keep them ?" " I warrant you I'll
find room," fays fhe ; " and as to their spoiling, I'll
anfwer
anfwer for them . How do I preferve pears till the
TOR
month of June, and furely they are more delicate than
potatoes ?" I know how clever my wife is at theſe
3
things ; her preferves are excellent, and there is not a

week but fome of our friends are not forced to fend
to us for a pot or two, when their own are all ſpoiled,
and my wife always takes care to have enough on that
very account .
Well, Sir, next day my wife begged of me to dine
at the coffeehouſe, becauſe I knew the kitchen would
be quite taken up with the mafon ; and ſhe was deter
mined to lofe no time, for fhe would have a loaf ready
to put in as foon as the oven was fet. Well, Sir, I
went to the coffeehouſe, and told my friends how ne
ceffary it was for every body to fet an example in theſe
hard times of eating a mixed bread , and that I was de
termined to introduce it in my own family. Indeed,
I faid, my wife was actually about it. " Ay, Mr.
Cakeling," faid a neighbour, " you are the man to lead
ть us the way ; you have a wife that knows how to do
every thing. I'll be bound that the makes bread fit
for a prince, if the fets about it." This is the way,
Mr. Editor, that all my friends fpeak about my wife,
fhe has got fuch a name for clevernefs . So I went
home quite full of our new bread-No- quite elated I
mean ; for, oh ! Mr. Editor, to this day, and it is fix
weeks ago fince we began to bake, I have not got a
bellyful of home-made bread.
I wish I had time to go through all our experiments .
One time our loaf would not rife ; another time it
would not come out ; it ftuck faft to the bottom ; it
wanted falt ; it had too much falt ; it was too wet ; it
was too dry ; it was fometimes quite dough, but in
general it was burnt to a cinder. It went on this way
for the first week ; my wife and I could not difcover
the reafon . We had tried potatoes in every way ; we
had boiled them, mafhed them, pulverized them,
poured water after water upon them to make them
wet K 6 white ;
white; we had reduced (I fay we, for, being a national

object , I was happy to take a part; befides, I own I was
a little on the alert, for I had promifed my friends at
the coffeehouſe to bring them a loaf) -we had reduced
twenty pounds of potatoes to two, and I had made
excellent ftarch of it, though we could not make bread.
We had confumed half the ftock of potatoes that was
to have ferved us all the winter, without getting a
fingle loaf that was eatable. My wife cried for vexa
tion. She was fure there muft be fomething in the
matter that we did not dream of, for fhe knew as well
how to make bread as any baker in Scotland, but the
would find it out before the flept.
An old baker, who had now turned flour-factor, of
our acquaintance, was called in, not becaufe fhe did not
know as well as any baker in Scotland how to make
bread, but there might be fome knack in managing the
oven, that he was unacquainted with- fomething in
the way of heating it, or of putting the bread in it,
or of taking it out ; in fhort, for once fhe would
take advice. " Lord, Ma'am !" fays the flour-factor,
" it is no wonder you could not fucceed- why, Ma'am,
you have got one of thofe kickshaw iron ovens . Lord
blefs you they don't anfwer. They'd burn all the
bread in the world before they ' d bake it. There's no
doing any good with an iron oven. " My wife was
ftruck dumb ; but the yet was fatisfied fhe was com
pletely acquitted ; the fault did not lie with her ; but,
however, it would be cafy to alter it ; a fmall oven
might be built for a mere trifle on the good old plan,
and an oven I accordingly got.
But mark the confequences. The kitchen chimney
was torn down , and fomehow or other the flue was in
jured. It was impoffible to live in it for fmoke. My
maid gave us warning, the could not live in it, and I
was forced to dine at the coffeehoufe every day . My
wife, however, is a woman of refource: She applied
to an ingenious mechanic who has great fkill in chim
nies.
national nies. This man has invented a fine apparatus for a
Anak kitchen.
kitchen. He has a range that does every thing. It
riend boils, roafts, ftews, and bakes , all by the fame fire, and
the expenfe is nothing, for it faves itfelf in fire in a
ad mat twelvemonth . Nothing would fatisfy my wife but to
e bread have this new-fathioned range, and accordingly, at an
hat expenfe of more than fifty pounds, I have got my
etting kitchen metamorphofed ; and I am making mixed bread
orvexe at no allowance. 1
inthe My wife has got into the way. This caft - iron oven
aswell on the new plan fucceeds to a miracle ; and I ſhould be
but quite happy if it were not for the expenfe ; but really,
Mr. Editor, there is nothing fo dear as economy. I
Ctor, of calculate that every quartern loaf of bread which I
didnot make cofts me half- a- crown ; and this is not the worst
ms of it ; fometimes we all get the gripes into the bargain .
ingtthe Ibelieve that my apothecary's bill will come to a good
ing round fum for counteracting the effects of the ſtaff of
init life.
would I do not afcribe this to my wife ; no , Sir, fhe is the
faster, beft woman upon earth ; but you know it was natural
that the fhould try all mixtures. So one day we had
Lond wheat and barley, and that gave us the dyfentery ; the
next we had a mixture of oatmeal, and that put our
e'sno blood into a fever ; on the third we had potatoe bread,
e was and then we had indigeftion . In fhort, without know
com ing at firft the reafon, we have all been unwell ; have
but, all had occafion for the apothecary ; and we are all be
oven ginning again, without venturing, however, to fay fo,
to with for plain old houſehold bread from the baker.
My neighbours have, fomehow or another, found
inev this out, and I am truly to be pitied . They afk me
in jeeringly how many hundred weight of potatoes go to a
Mr quartern loaf; and the very flour-factor that my wife
ndi called in faid to my face at the coffeehoufe, that if
My this faving plan went on, all the flour in the kingdom
would be wafted ; and to tell you the truth , I begin to
think fo. CHRIST. CAKELING .
im.
nes. ALONZO
( 206 )
ALONZO THE BRAVE AND FAIR IMOGINE.

A ROMANCE * ..
WARRIOR fo bold, and a virgin fo bright,

A Convers'd as they fat on the green ;
They gaz'd on each other with tender delight!
Alonzo the Bravé was the name of the knight
The maid's was the Fair Imogine.
" And, oh !" faid the youth, " fince to-morrow I go
To fight in fome far diftant land,
Your tears for my abfence foon leaving to flow,
Some other will court you, and you will beſtow
On a wealthier fuitor your hand !”
"Oh huſh theſe fufpicions," Fair Imogine faid ,

" Offenfive to love and to me:
For if you be living, or ifyou be dead,
I fwear by the Virgin, that none in your ſtead
Shall huſband of Imogine be.
" If e'er I, by luft or by wealth led afide,
Forget my Alonzo the Brave,
God grant, that to puniſh my falfehood and pride,
Your ghoft at the marriage may fit by my fide;
May tax me with perjury, claim me as bride
And bear me away to the grave ! "
To Paleſtine haften'd the Hero fo bold;
His love fhe lamented him fore :
But fcarce had a twelvemonth elaps'd, when, behold,.
A Baron, all cover'd with jewels and gold
Arriv'd at Fair Imogine's door !
His treasure, his prefents, his fpacious domain,

Soon made her untrue to her vows ;
He dazzled her eyes, he bewilder'd her brain ;
He caught her affections fo light and ſo vain
And carried her home as his ſpouſe !
* This beautiful piece of poetry is extracted from a romance called

the Monk, written by Mr. G. P. Lewis, M. P. As it paffes to us
through the medium of the newfpapers, it appears to come properly
enough within our plan.
And
ALONZO THE BRAVE AND FAIR IMOGINE . 207
And now had the marriage been bleft by the prieſt ;
The revelry now was begun;
The tables they groan'd with the weight of the feaft ;
Nor yet had the laughter and merriment ceas'd,
When the bell at the caftle toll'd -ONE !
Then firſt, with amazement, Fair Imogine found,
That a ftranger was plac'd by her fide :
His air was terrific ; he utter'd no found :
He ſpoke not, he mov'd not, he look'd not around
But earneftly gaz'd on the bride !
His vifor was clos'd, and gigantic his height !
His armour was fable to view :
All pleaſure and laughter were hufh'd at his fight ;
The dogs, as they ey'd him, drew back in affright ;
The lights in the chamber burn'd blue !
His prefence all bofoms appear'd to diſmay ;
The guefts fat in filence and fear ;
At length ſpoke the Bride, while fhe trembled- " I pray,
Sir Knight, that your helmet afide you would lay,
And deign to partake of our cheer !"
The lady is filent ; the ftranger complies ;
His vifor he flowly unclos'd :
Oh, God ! what a fight met Fair Imogine's eyes !
What words can exprefs her difmay and furpriſe,
When a fkeleton's head was expos'd !
All preſent then utter'd a terrified flout,
All turn'd with diſguſt from the ſcene ;
The worms they crept in, and the worms they crept out,
And fported his eyes and his temples about,
While the ſpectre addrefs'd Imogine :
"Behold me, thou falfe one ; behold me !" he tried,
"Remember Alonzo the Brave !
God grants, that, to punish thyfalfchood andpride,
My ghoft at thy marriageshouldfit by thyfide;
Should tax thee with perjury, claim thee as bride,
And bear thee away to the grave !"
Thus faying, his arms round the lady he wound,
While loudly the thriek'd in difinay ;
Then funk with his prey through the wide-yawning ground?
Nor ever again was Fair Imogine found,
Or the fpectre who bore her away.
Not
208 RELATIVE TO THE SHAKESPEAR . MSS .
Not long liv'd the Baron ; and none, fince that time,
To inhabit the caftle pretume ;
For chronicles tell, that, by order fublime,
There Imogine fuffers the pain of her crime,
And mourns ner deplorable doom.
At midnight four times in each year does her fprite,
When mortals in flumber are bound,
Array'd in her bridal apparel of white,
Appear in the hall with the Skeleton - Knight,
And fhriek as he whiris her around !
While they drink out of fkulls newly torn from the grave,
Dancing round them the fpecies are feen :
Their liquor is blood, and this horrible ſtave
They howl-" To the health of Alonzo the Brave,
And his confort, the Fair Imogine !"
INTERA
MR. R. Ireland, to have been quite ingenuous, fhould

have given us the anſwer to Shakespear's Love
Letter. We have, with fome difficulty, procured a
faithful copy :
FROM ANNA HATHHERREWAYE TO HERRE WILLYE .
Although, doth Willye promiffe fayre,
Off manns deceits i mufte beewayre
Full well i knowe theire artes and wyles,
And frownes doe oft iucceede theire fmyles.
My maydenne name once flunge awaye,
Noe longerre Anna Hath berre waye !
BON MOTTE OF QUEEN ELIZABETH .

[ EXTRACTED FROM SOME ANCIENT MSS . ]
66
SYRRE Wallterre Rawleighe, whoe waffe a greate
favouritte , offe the Queenes Highneffe, ande a
manne offe faſhionne, affe welle affe a phylloffophere,
introducedde the fmoakynge offe tobaccoe intoe Eng
lande. Inne a fhorte, tyme the practyfe became quite
the tonne naye, the Queenes Majeftye herfelffe grewe
fonde offe itte, ande woulde oftenne indulge herfelfe
wythe
RELATIVE TO THE SHAKESPEAR MSS. 209
wythe a focyalle pype withe herre Maides offe Ho

noure, and fome offe the more . favouredde gentle
menne offe the courte .
" Inne one offe thofe fmoakynge partyes, her
Highneffe havynge much agytatedde the nature offe
theire prefente enjoymente, atte lengthe broke uppe
the compannie, verie facettyouflye and wittillie re
markyne, thatte alle the pleaffure offe the even
"
nynge (affe didde the pleaffures offe thiffe tranfitorie
' ande uncertaine worlde) hadde endedde in fimoake !"
Affe thiffe notable ande pleafaunte obfervacyonne waffe
utteredde bye her Highneffe withe her accuftomydde
gravittye offe countenaunce, the courtlie Baronnes
ande noble Ladyes prefente didde notte welle knowe
whetherre theye were toe looke grave orre feryouſe,
toe laughe, orre toe crye ; ande foe, eche offe themme
puttynge a fore fingerre upponne theire lyppes, theye
diddle inne concerte fueeze, ande inne a lowe voice
eche cried- TE HE !' "
GUY EARL OF WARWICK.

(SHAKESPEAR'S MSS . )
CORRESPONDENT from Warwickfire informs
A
us, that in the very diligent fearch, which in
confequence has been made after Jonie late difcoveries
of old manufcripts, a family in the neighbourhood of
Guy's Cliff have difcovered an old cedar trunk, filled
with papers written by Guy, the redoubted Earl of
Warwick, and a number of other curious antiquities
originally belonging to the valorous knight .
A fhort fpecimen of a love-letter written by this
intrepid champion to the Princefs Frizzegunda, to
whom he was afterwards married, will thew how
worthy thefe papers are of the public attention , and
perhaps tend to throw a new light on the Champion
of Warwickshire, and fhew that the public have been
as
210 RELATIVE TO THE SHAKESPEAR MSS.
as much mistaken in his character, as fome late pa

pers prove they have been mistaken in their opinion
of the Warwickſhire Bard.
The original orthography is religiously adhered to,
and proves that, however they fpelled in the days of
Queen Elizabeth, in the days of King Athelftein ,
bunches of filberts and bunches of confonants were
equally plentiful.
" Toe the Sovaraigne Myftraeffe offe mye adoratyonnes,
the Princeffe Frizzegunnada, wythe a platte offe
orrange tawnye haire, pluckedde fromme the taile
of the dreddefulle dunne Cowe, offe Dunnefmore
Heathe, bye the hande offe herre true Knyghte,
Sirre Guy.
" Dearest Bloffemme offe mye Soulle, ande Bloome
offe my Hearte!
" I have conquerredde, ande the depredacyones offe
the dunne cowe are noe more, forre he lieth atte his
lengthe on a jacques. Determyninge toe difcomme
fytte himme, I didde yefterdaye prepayre mee forre
the commebatte ; and greate waffe the ftryffe betweene
uffe : butte thie Guye iffe comme offe victoriouffe,
ande didde make his ennemmie toe roare thatte he
waffe hearde forre more thanne fortie longe myles .
The particcullarres I will telle untoe thee whenne wee
meete ; butte, as a trophye offe mye vallourre, I have
pluckedde fromme the taile offe the monſterre fundrie
buncheffe offe haire, which bye the hande offe thie
owne deare Sirre Guye are cunninglye plaitedde ande
curyouflye knottedde, ande I doe entreate thatte thoue
wille looke atte itte affe hiffe lyttelle worke, and che
rifshe itte for hiffe fake untille hee cafte himmefelfe atte
thye feete, forre hee iffe thynne everlaſtynglye .
" GUY, E. OF W."
** #
A LETTER
ves .
R
1
( 211 )
A LETTER FROM ONE OF THE FAITHFUL ON

THE SAME SUBJECT .
[From the St. James's Chronicle.]
SIR,
GOING down on Friday to my villa, " bye
Thames," I took with me Mr. Malone's " In
quiry into the Authenticity of the Shakeſpear MSS . "
and fo warmly intereſted have I been in the contro
verfy, that I never laid down the book until I came
to the laft page . But what was my aftoniſhment ,
when I found that Mr. Malone had filled nearly 400
pages with a feries of the moft grofs abuſe, quibbles,
and downright hatred and malice, for which it is not,
perhaps, difficult to affign a good reafon . Had Mr. M.
found a cheft-full of genuine manufcripts of Shake
ſpear, he would have acted very much otherwife. But
to come to the point
His principal objections are to the fpelling, the
phrafeology, and the dates. Now, Sir, as to the
fpelling, it is a matter, furely, of the leaft confequence ;
for if I receive a letter from a Queen or a Lord, what
is it to me that it happens to be wrong fpelt, provided
it contains an invitation " toe playe before ourefelfe
toe amufe uffe." I fet it down, therefore, as a rule,
that the contents of a letter, and not the fpelling, is the
moft important part.
2. As to the phrafeology, Queen Elizabeth was a
woman of great learning, and fo was Southampton,
and fo was Shakeſpear himſelf. They knew the paft
and the prefent, and what was to hinder them from
anticipating the ſtyle of future times ? For example :
Shakeſpear has defcribed the " guardians of the night"
fo admirably in " Much ado about Nothing," that one
would think he was at this moment in the office of
Parish Conftable.
3. As to dates, we find every day, that people
make mistakes. I once dated a letter of fome im
portan e know that
there
212 UPON THE SHAKESPEAR FORGERY..
there is no fuch day in the whole year ; but did my

correfpondent confider it as fpurious upon that ac
count ? No, Sir ; he knew the hand-writing, and that
was enough .
And this brings me, fourthly and laftly, to what
Mr. Malone thinks his main argument, the hand
writings in Mr. Ireland's MSS . being totally different
from thofe in the Mufeum. Now, Sir, it unfortu
nately happens that this is the weakest of all his argu
ments. There are three cafes in which the fame man
will write very differently ; first, his having a good
or a bad pen ; Secondly, his being drunk or fober ; and
thirdly, his having broken or dislocated his arm, and
its having been improperly healed.
I truft, Sir, nobody will deny thefe pofitions ; but
what is proof pofitive, if Mr. Malone would have had
patience to wait a little longer, is, that there are writ
ings which can be brought forward, proving, by his
own hand-writing, that Shakeſpear often wrote with a
very bad pen ; or, as he fays (MS. 4692 of the un
publifhed), " a meirrveillouffe badde gooffee quille."
This, I think, will fatisfy any body ; efpecially as it will
be accompanied with a drawing of a penknife which
heshould have had, when he wrote the letter without it.
Another writing is to be brought forward, proving
that Lord Southampton was in a ſtate of inebriety
when he wrote his epiftle. The words exprefsly are,
that hee hadde hifs beerre onne boardde , andde
་ hikkuppedde mofte mellodioufsllie. " Now, Sir, let
me afk you, if Mr. Malone, or yourſelf, or myſelf,
could have written a plain hand with fuch a confuſed
head ?
With refpect to Queen Elizabeth's hand, there are
a packet of papers, which are to be found in the north
eaft corner of the trunk, which give an account of her
having diflocated her " Royal wr tee," and its being
very clumfily healed . There are alfo the original re
ceipts of the medicines fhe took while under cure, one
of which runneth thus : " R. Rhab
EXAMPLE OF FOUL LANGUAGE. 213
" R. Rhabbarrbarri pulverizz. gr. xxx.
Pullu. Zinnzziberr. gr. x. M.
Capp. mannee inn quovviss vehbicculloo."
But, I fuppofe, Mr. Malone will fay, that becauſe
rhubarb and ginger is a common compofition now, it
must be an anachronifm . Sir, he might as well call
it a. rheumatifm .
In this manner, Mr. Baldwin , will all his objections
be removed ; and I think it peculiarly fortunate for all
true believers (of which number you may perceive.
I am one) , that he has ftated his objections fo early
as to give fufficient time for the great author of our
new religion to provide antidotes. Mr. Malone was
too precipitate . The trunk is but opened, and he
thinks he fees to the bottom already ; but let him be
content with what he has done ; let him wait pa
tiently, and let us, true believers, fay, with our ever
lafting Bard,
" Thus bad begins, but worse remains behind.”
I am, Sir, yours,
ONE OF THE FAITHFUL *.
EXAMPLE OF FOUL LANGUAGE, IN ALLUSION

TO THE CONDUCT OF MODERN POLI
TICIANS.
SIR,
OUR rulers and thofe of France having adopted the
manner in which our Billingsgate dames ufually
decide their difputes, it is not unfair to conclude that
the gentlemen have fimilar feelings with the ladies, and
will equally enjoy a triumph at their own weapons.
The following little anecdote will furnifh the Chan
cellor of the Exchequer with afiratagem, which can
* It is almoſt unneceffary to point out to the readers of this col
leftion, that this letter, and feveral of the foregoing articles, are
meant to ridicule the curious manufcripts, which that worthy man,
Mr. Samuel Ireland, attributed to Shakefpear.
not
( 170 )
LETTER OF JOHN BULL.
[From the Monthly Magazine .]
I HAVE long had the happinefs of being married, as

I have often faid and fworn, to the best of all pof
fible wives ; but as this beft of all poffible wives has a
few fancies, which I ſhould be glad the were cured of,
I have taken the liberty to lay my cafe before you.
My wife, Sir, has been much admired in her time,
and fill is, in my eye, a very deſirable woman ; but
you well know, Sir, that, let wives wear as well as you
can fuppofe, they will be the worfe for wear ; and fo
it is with my dame ; and if I were to ſay that I can fee
in her neither ſpot nor wrinkle, nor any fuch thing, I.
fhould belie my own eyefight. I like her, however,
altogether, better than any woman I know ; and we
fhould jog on quietly enough together, but that of late
fhe has been pleaſed to infift upon my declaring in all
companies, that he is abfolutely the handfomeſt
woman under the fun ; and that none of my neigh
bours' wives are fit to hold the candle to her and
there is one Squire Edmund, a hectoring, bullying
fellow, who, they fay, is a little cracked (a great fa
vourite with my wife, notwithſtanding, ever fince he
has flattered and fpoke her fair ; for it is not long ago
that heuſed to be drawing caricatures of her) -he, I fay,
goes about every where, telling people that I ought to
challenge any one who prefumes to affert tothe con
trary. " Cara Spofa," have I often faid to her, " is
it not fufficient if I love thee beft, and that for the
beft reafon, becauſe thou art my wife ? I chofe thee
freely, and am content to be to thy faults a little
blind ;' but to be entirely fo , is neither good for thee
nor for me." She lately made me fign a paper, that
the was, in all parts, of the exact proportions of the
Venus di Medicis ; though, Heaven knows ! Inever.
meaſured them together ; and that not only there ne
ver was a more beautiful creature produced upon God's
earth, but that it was utterly impoffible for the ima
gination of man to conceive a more beautiful. I con
fels
2
LETTER OF JOHN BULL. 171
fefs I was a good deal afhamed to make fuch boafts ;

nevertheless, I complied, for the fake of peace. My
wife, morcover,' entertains an idea, that every man
who fees her, is in love with her ; and, like Belife in
the Femmes Scavantes, the is refolved not to give upi
the point, though the beſt compliments the has met
with of late from her neighbours have been, " that ſhe
looks very well for a woman "of her years ; that the
wears well, confidering ; that fhe has fine remains,
and that one may eafily fee fhe has been a handfome
woman in her time." Thefe are fpeeches, one would
think, not very apt to feed her vanity ; yet, whenever
the hears of a match that is likely to take place, the
cannot help fancying the lover was attracted by fome
remote refemblance to her admired perfon . " Yes,"
fhe will cry on fuch occafions, " there was a tint of
my complexion, which did the bufinefs ; not fo bril
liant indeed-fomething of my majeftic look, and an
evident imitation of my walk." With all this opinion
of herſelf, my poor wife, eſpecially of late, has been
diftractedly jealous of me. She is continually teafing
me with embarraffing queftions ; as, " whether I love
her as well as I did on my wedding-day ; whether T
will promiſe to love her if the fhould be blind, or de
crepit, or out of her wits, & c." A circumftance has
occurred lately, which has increaſed this jealouſy ten
fold. My next - door neighbour, you must know, is
married again ; and ever fince that event fhe watches
me as a cat watches a moufe. I cannot look out of
the window, or inquire which way the wind fits, but
it is in order to admire my neighbour's new wife. She
pretends to have found love-letters which have paffed
between us , and is fure, the fays, I defign to part with
her, " falfe-hearted man as I am ;" upon which, the
other day, the threw herfelf into violent hyfterics, and
alarmed the whole family and neighbourhood ,
To be fure, the bride did fend me a favour, which
I wore in my hat, openly ; and I do not deny but I
12
may
172 LETTER OF JOHN BULL .
may have paid her a few compliments, and written

fome verfes upon her, for the is a fhowy, fine- ſpoken
woman ; but for all that, I would not marry her, if I
were free to morrow ; for, to tell you the truth, I fuf
pect her to be too much of a termagant for me ; and
befides, John Bull is not given to change.
My wife has another failing, Sir . She is fond of
every thing that is old, becauſe it is old ; and the never
1 will give any reafon, except a woman's reafon ( which,
you know, is no reafon at all) , for any one thing the
does. If I preſume to hint, things might be better
after a different fashion, I can get no other anſwer
than " that it is her way- that her grandmother and
great grandmother did fo before her ; and that it is her 2
maxim never to alter the family management." I can
fcarcely ftir about my houſe, it is fo filled with heavy
lumbering furniture, half of which is worm- eaten , and
of no ufe but to harbour vermin ; but my wife cannot
perfuade herself to part with any of it, fhe has fuch a
refpect for a fine piece of antiquity ; and then, fays
fhe, " old furniture has fuch a creditable look !"— “ Šo
it might, my dear, " fay I, " ifit were all of a piece ;
but, you know, we are continually buying new, and
when one article does not ſuit with another, you muſt
be fenfible nothing can have a worfe effect . For in
ftance, now ; this , difmal old tapestry, how prepof
terous it looks along with the Indian matting and
painted rout-chairs ! I wish you would let it come
down, it is fit for nothing but for the rats to play at
hide and feek behind it.' - " I would not have it down,
my dear," fays the, " for the world ; it is the ftory of.
the Spanish Armada, and was done in the glorious days
of Queen Befs."-"
:) Then give it a thorough clean
ing, at leaft, returned I. " If you offer to draw-a
66
nail, rejoined the, there are fo many private doors
and fecret paffages made in the wall, you will be
blinded with duft and mortar ; and, for aught I know,
pull an old, houfe over your bead, ."" Let me at leaft
give
LETTER OF JOHN BULL . 173
give a brushing to the beards of the old Dons, " replied
giv
I. A ftroke of the brush would fhake them to
pieces, " infifted my wife ; " they are as tender as a
cobweb, I tell you ; and I pofitively will not have them
meddled with . Nobody, who has any regard for his
anceſtors, would think of pulling down a venerable
fet of hangings, made in the glorious days of Qucen
Elizabeth." Now, I care little when a thing was
made ; the queftion is, what is it good for ? and I
know nothing fo much uſeleſs lumber is good for, but
to oblige us to keep a great many fupernumerary ſer
vants, at high wages, to look after it.
I have ftill another grievance, Sir. If you are a
married man, you may chance to know, that it is
often as much as a man can do to manage his wife ;
but to manage one's wife and mother too, is a talk too
hard for any mortal. Now, my mother, Sir, lives
with us, and I am fure I have always behaved myſelf
'as a dutiful and obedient fon ; her arm - chair is always
fet in the best place by the fire ; the eats of the belt,
and drinks of the beft , neither do I grudge it her,
though the poor children's bellies are often pinched,
while fhe is feafting upon nice bits : but with all this,
I have much ado to keep her in good humour. If I
ftir about a little more briskly than ordinary, my mo
ther has weak. nerves, and the noife make over her
head, will throw her into fits. If I offer but to duft
the books in my ftudy, my mother is afraid fome of
them fhould fall upon her head . Indeed , the old lady
did get an unlucky blow with one or two of them ,
which has fhaken her not a little. Befides which,
fhe infifts, and my wife ftands by her in it, that I
fhould confult her in all matters of bufinefs ; and if I
do not, I am cried out againſt as a gracelefs atheiſtical
wretch; and a thoufand idle reports are raiſed, that I
am going to ftrip and turn my poor old mother out of
doors . Then, my mother is ratherparticular in her drefs ;
and the children fometimes will be tittering and making
13 game,
174 AN ARAB TALE .
IAN
game, when fhe is difplaying fome of her old fallals ;
upon which, my wife always infifts I ſhould whip them,
which I used to do pretty feverely, though, of late, 【
confefs, I have only hung the rod up over the chimney,
in terrorem--on fuch occafions, my wife never fails to
obferve, " how becoming it is in one of my mother's
age to keep the fame fafhion in her drefs." This, by
the way, is not true, for I remember my mother ſtuck
all over with croffes and embroidery to her very fhoes,
with ftrings of beads and fuch trumpery ; yet the fays,
as well as my wife, that the never changes any thing.
I am, myſelf, Mr. Editor, an eaſy, peaceable, plain
fpoken man as any that exifts ; and am a man of little
or no expenſe for my own gratification : yet fo it is,
that, what with the large eſtabliſhment of fervants,
which we are obliged to have, and the continual drains
upon my purſe, to fupply my extravagant neighbours,
I run out every year, and cannot help having many
ferious thoughts and melancholy forebodings where all
this may end.
end. But I apprehend, the first fſtep ought
to be, for my wife and me to confult together, and
make a reform in the family management wherever
there may be occafion . If, therefore, you can perfuade
her to lay afide her groundlefs jealoufies , and talk a
little reafon, I fhall be highly obliged to you, and am
your humble fervant, JOHN BULL.
AN ARABIAN TALE.
IT is very well known throughout the Eaft, that
Haroun al Rafchid, Caliph of Damafcys, ac
companied by Mifnou , his favourite Vizier, frequently
walked through the ſtreets and fuburbs of the city by
night, and in difguife. Thus he became acquainted
with, and was able to correct various irregularities,
which would otherwife have eſcaped the vigilance of his
inferior officers of justice. One evening, the light
ofthe moon enabled him to diſcover, beneath a portico,
three
AN ARABIAN -TALE. 175
three men, whofe drefs and appearance difcovered them

to be of middle rank, in clofe and ferious conference . -
He approached them without being perceived, and
heard them making the bittereft exclamations againſt
their evil fortunes, which each, fpeaking of himſelf,
declared to be without parallel.- Can any Mufful
man, " faid the firft, " be fo great a wretch as I am ?
May the Prophet never again favour his chofen tribe, if
from morning till night I am not the victim of forrow
and difquietude !-I have a neighbour, whofe only
ftudy is to perplex me in my dealing, to injure me in
my reputation and property, and whom Alla feems to
have infpired with extraordinary vigour of mind and
body, for no other purpoſe than to counteract my pro
fpects of intereft or defigns of pleaſure."—" Ah !"
faid the fecond, " your condition is indeed pitiable ; but
how much more fo is mine ?-Your days alone are dif
treffing to you ; at night you can recline on your pil
low, and find confolation in grateful flumber, forgetting
your perplexities, your neighbour, and yourſelf ; I, on
the contrary, know no interval of peace-my days are
haraffing, and my nights worfe .- Alas ! I have a wife
who eternally torments me-at my bufinefs, my meals ,
nay, even in my bed, her prefence difturbs, and her
tongue wounds me.-I live in inceffant irritation, and
have no hope of tranquillity but from death, which I
am often tempted to anticipate, from
.‫د‬ the conviction that
to Paradife no woman comes .' " Well !" faid the
(6
third, I have patiéntly liftened to you both, but am
ftill convinced that my caufes of affliction are yet more
aggravating than either- than both of yours. I have
an extravagant, profligate, worthlefs fon : in fpite of
remonftrance or puniſhment, I have ſeen him advance
progreffively from vice to vice, till I now fee him a
difgrace to human nature, and every hour am expecting
that the vengeance of Mahomet, or the laws of our
country, will tremendously overtake him. " On this,
14 the
176 AN ARABIAN TALE ..
the three complainers bade each other adieu, and fe

parated for the evening.
" Mifnou," faid the Caliph to his favourite, " beit
your care to find out who theſe men are, and fee that
they fulfil my orders in full Divan to-morrow." Mif
nou obeyed his mafter ; and the three trembling Muf
fulmen were conducted to the Seraglio, when each,
though ignorant of their imputed crime, expected the
n he or,
bow- ftring, bled
at nleaft , the baftinado .
iph on
se t Diva was affem , and the Cal
his throne was furrounded by the Imams, the Emirs,
and the grandees of his court, with a loud voice he
commanded the three miferables to be brought forth.- .
" Friend," faid Elaroun al Rafchid to the firft, " it
feems thou fayeft of thyfelf, that thy condition is emi
nently unfortunate ; relate the caufes of thy griefs to
79
the wife men whom thou feeft here before me." The
man at firft was inclined to equivocate ; but the Vizier
pointing to the mutes, who food prepared with the
bow-ftringr,, he declared that he, indeed, was of all men
the moft miferable, inafmuch as a wicked neighbour
continually perfecuted him . As foon as he had finiſhed
his narrative, " Take that fellow," faid the Caliph,
in an angry tone, to his attendants, " and give him five
hundred baftinadoes." The Imams, the Emirs , the
Grandees, and the Court looked at each other in aſto
niſhment, but faid nothing . The Caliph, whofe com
pofure was not in the leaft difturbed , called for the fe
cond miferable." " Well, friend," exclaimed Ha
roun al Rafchid, " and what fayeft thou ? Thou art
alfo, it appeareth, one of thofe whom Mahomet refuſes
to fmile upon." The man, having witneffed his neigh
bour's punishment, knew not how to act, and would
willingly have held his peace ; but being urged in a
commanding voice, and fearing that even worfe than
the baftinado would attend his obftinacy , acknowledged,
with a faltering accent, that his evil genius, in the
fhape of a termagant wife, made his days and nights.
*
infupportably
7
AN ARABIAN TALE . 177
infupportably vexatious.. " Take that fellow," faid
the Caliph to his fervants, " and give him inftantly five
Grandees, and the Court, a fecond time looked at each
other in aftoniſhment, but preferved the ftricteft filence.
At the command of the Caliph, the third man ftood
forth . " Muffulman," faid Haroun al Rafchid, in
fomewhat of a lefs intimidating tone, " let us hear thy
tale of forrow."-" Commander of the Faithful, " faid
the man, " I perceive that thou already knoweft the
forrows which opprefs my heart ; nevertheless, at thy
command, I, without hesitation , repeat, in the hearing
of the Court, that a profligate fon has been the difgrace
""
of my manhood, and is now the torment of my age.'
" Take that honeft fellow," faid the Caliph, " and
immediately give him a thoufand fequins." A third
time did the Imams, the Emirs, the Grandees, and the
Court look at each other in aftonifhment, without
venturing to inquire the reafon of the Caliph's moft
extraordinary decifion.
Haroun al Rafchid , after looking upon them for
fome time with complacency, rofe from his throne, and
thus expreffed himfelf :
" Children of Alla," faid the Caliph, " the judg
ment which I have this day pronounced, appears to
fome of you harth and fevere, and to all of you inex
plicable: hear, then, my motives, and confefs thejuftice
and beneficence of your prince. There is but one
God, and Mahomet is his prophet. Shall Muffulmen "
indulge in bitter exclamations againſt Alla for incon
venience and trouble, which their own exertions can
remove ?
" Shall our holy Prophet be wearied with tears and
lamentations, which are only occafioned by his fervants
indolence and pufillanimity? The firft man whofe cafe
I heard, and whom I punifhed as he deferved , impeach
ed the goodness of Providence, and the juftice of my
government alfo, for an evil which he himself could
15 have
178 RETKOSPECT OF POLITICS .
have effectually removed. He had a bad and unjuſt

neighbour. Granted- but was it not in his power to
have changed his refidence, and to have followed his
occupation as a merchant in fome other place ?
" The fecond alfo was alike intemperate in his com -
plaints. But why arraign Alla or his Prophet, when he
himfelf poffeffed the remedy of his fuffering ? He had a
bad and worthlefs wife ; but could he not immediately
have gone with her to the Imam, given her a writing
of divorce, and fent her away?
" As to the third man, confult your own hearts, and
confefs my juftice. From an ungracious child who can
fly ? From that forrow, what change of place, or what
decifion of the law, can preferve us ? It follows us
abroad, it wounds us in folitude, it difturbs our meals,
and haunts our pillows . In this cafe, pity is the flighteſt
boon we can beftow, and liberality is no more than
juftice."
The Imams, the Emirs, the Grandees , and the Court
were no longer aftonifhed, but confeffed aloud the wif
dom of the Caliph .
RETROSPECT OF POLITICS,
FOR THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER 1793 .
NOTHING could be more aufpicious than the

manner in which the fun entered the Balance : the
British fcale preponderated, and the French one kicked
the beam . Our enemies had loft their courage, their
towns, and their breeches, and the brave Auftrians
threatened to ftrip the ſkin over their ears. We had
done much for the Emperor ; the crowns we gave to
the King of Sardinia were enough to confole him ,
even if he had loft his own ; and the Prince of Heffe
Caffel was forced to confefs, that ifmany ofthe fwinifh
multitude had been flaughtered, he had• nevertheleſs
brought his pigs to a fair market !
But though, like generous hofis, we began by
helping
RETROSPECT OF POLITICS. 179
helping our friends, it was ftill neceffary to do fome
thing for ourſelves . A law Lord, who remembered
that the wifeft thing he ever did was to quit his own
country, thought that the French would readily retire
from Dunkirk ; and that we fhould be great gainers
by taking a town, which one of our Kings had fold for
two hundred thousand pounds, if it were only to fell
again ! Some military Counfellors thought otherwife ;
but cedant arma toge was the word ; and, in purfuance
of his advice, the French were to be ferved with a
writ of ejectment. But, fome how or other, it proved
a writ of error !
The braveft army in the world carried on the fiege,
and as brave a one covered its operations ; but as there
was nothing to cover the covering army, the perfidious
French, whofe Punic faith is notorious, fell upon it
unawares, killed great numbers, and, that they might
no longer be called Sans - culottes, were bafe enough to
ftrip the dead of their galligafkins.
An heaven - born and immaculate Miniſter was
ſtanding ſtiff, erect, and mufing over the plan of
Dunkirk, in the walls of which he had made a breach
with the point of his compaffes-" If we keep it at
the peace," faid he to himfelf, " it will be the ruin of
the fmugglers --if we give it up, it will be a for
tune tofomebody!" At this moment a meffenger made
his appearance .." Sir," faid the meffenger, the be
fieging army has taken"-" Dunkirk, no doubt ? " faid
the Minifter. " No, Sir, ” replied the meflenger, " the
befieging army has taken flight. The covering army, "
added he, " has made" -" A glorious ftand, without
difpute ?" faid the Minifter, interrupting him again .
" No, Sir," rejoined . the meffenger, " the covering
army has made off ! As to the hot and fhells , the
French have carried them into Dunkirk, and faved us
the trouble of throwing them over the walls. ”
* The plan of attacking Dunkirk is attributed to Lord Lough

borough.
16 The
180 FRAGMENT.
The principal advantage gained by the enemy in this

affair, was the poffibility of coming at the Dutch, a
nation that wears five or fix pair of breeches apiece,
and is therefore the beft game that can be pursued by
the Sans-culottes. Our worthy allies, at whom we
laugh alike, whether they fight or run away, had often
manifefted their strength ; and it remained for them on
this occafion to thew their speed; which, according to
Homier, Hudibras, and other grave men, is not the
leaft neceffary qualification for a warrior. As Atalanta
of old delayed her fleet purfuer by throwing a rich -
temptation on his road, or as the caftor is faid to
fatisfy the hunter by leaving his odoriferous burden
behind him ; fo did the Dutch let drop their breeches
in fucceffion, to favour their efcape. The laft pair,
rich and redolent with gold of various coinage, was
fuch a load to the purfuers, that they gave up the
chafe the young Prince, who was foremoft in the
race, went home to be breeched again ; and it is fup
pofed his troops will follow for the fame purpoſe .
But let not our countrymen defpond on hearing of
events, which, if properly confidered , are of no fort of
confequence. The ground we loft was not our own ;
the men who were killed were luckily Heffians and
Hanoverians, and will foon be paid for ; and the French
have promiſed to ſend us back our balls .
SIR,
THE HE following fragment I found amongst fome
old records relating to the kingdom of Lilliput :
it appears to be a part of the hiftory of that kingdom.
Ifyou think it, or any part of it, worth infertion, it is
at your fervice. I am, Sir,
CHARLES Gulliver .
-The kingdom at this time was univerfally
convulfed. The King had iffued out his mandate to
affemble the Grand Senate inftantly ; whilft the national
militia
FRAGMENT. 181
militia were embodied and frightened out oftheir wits ;

as an infurrection was fuppofed to exift in the very
heart of the kingdom . I fay fuppofed, but indeed there
was good proof of it ; as a man, with a red night- cap
on his head, had been feen to walk feveral times paft
the Prime Minifter's window, one evening at dusk.
Billy Shallow, the Prime Minifter, now wrote a very
alarming ſpeech, giving a horrid account of this infur
rection , which the King delivered at the opening ofthe
Grand Senate. The war- whoop of alarm was founded
from the throne to the cottage. The nobles trembled
for their titles ; the whole band of placemen and pen
fioners flood aghaft ; and the old women locked up
their cats, for fear they fhould be eaten by the fwine,
for the want of other food. Affociations were formed
of placemen, penfioners, informers, and bill - ftickers,
for the purpofe of preferving the Conſtitution (meaning
their places and penfions) , with Inquifitor Ninny, Efq.
at their head, who very fagaciouſly found out, that ten
thouſand men, with red caps, and without breeches,
were concealed in fome gravel-pits near the metropolis
of the kingdom ; and every man who dared to deny fo
evident a fact, was ſtigmatized as an enemy to mankind
and his country. Debates now ran high in the Houfe
of Tools, which formerly confifted of a number of in
dependent gentlemen , freely elected by the people at
large to take care of their freedom, and to control the
Government in any act which tended to prejudice the
real intereſts of the nation : but the Miniſters of late
years have been fo immaculate, and fo extremely virtu
ous, that this check has become unneceffary. The
majority of the Houfe now confifts of men appointed
partly by the Miniſter, and partly by the great Lords,
whofe bufinefs is to give the formality of a legal fanc
tion to the acts of the Minifter, which otherwife would
not quite accord with apparent law. A party who
constantly oppofe the Minifter, always exifts in the
Houfe, which may be divided into three claffes, viz.
thofe
282 FRAGMENT.
thoſe who growl becauſe the Minifter won't admit them

into place ; thofe who bawl and make a great noife, in
hopes of inducing the Minifter to ftop their mouths
with a loaf or a fiſh ; and a third claſs (which confifts
ofvery few indeed) , who have the real interetts of the
people folely in view. But enough of digreffion. De
bates ran high in the Houfe : the Miniftry, who, not
withftanding they had the evidence of the red night
cap, and had made a ftrict fearch throughout the king
dom , could not find the fo - much - talked -of infurrection,
now confidently afferted the fact of the ten thouſand
men being concealed in the gravel-pits, whilſt the Op
pofition as confidently denied it. But the Miniſter's
faithful majority concurred with him in an addrefs to the
Throne, approving of the exertions which had been
made to repel the infurrection . This æra was rendered
remarkable by Ned Rhapfodie, Will Logic, and fome
others of the Houſe of Tools (who had been ſtrenu
ous opponents of Billy Shallow) , dreaming of red caps
and calves' heads, which fo terrified them , that they fled,
tremblingly alarmed, to the fide of the Minifter, for
protection against fuch bugbears. The debates were
likewife high in the Houfe of Grand Tools, which, it
fhould be obferved, is formed, with refpect to majority
and minority, in the fame manner as the Houfe of
Tools. Here, likewife, the Miniſter's faithful majo
rity concurred in the fame meaſure as his band in the
Houfe of Tools . The Duke of Turncoat, Lord Prate
apace, Lord Noodle, and fome others in the Houſe of
Grand Tools, were fightened in the fame manner as
Ned Rhapfodie and the others . Lord Prateapace, in
particular, was fo extremely alarmed, that he jumped
into the Prefident's chair for protection . Billy Shal-
low now having his meafures fan& tioned by legal for
mality, turned his thoughts to a war with the Galli
gafkins, of whom it will be here neceffary to ſpeak. ·
The Ga ligafkin nation had for fome centuries been
obliged to eat their foup with the wrong end of the
fpoon,
FRAGMENT. 183
fpoon, till at last daring to think for themfelves, they

determined to eat it with the right end . This deter
mination was no fooner formed than executed by the
greater part of the nation , whilft they banished all thofe
who adhered to the old way. The furrounding Kings,
whofe fubjects were ftill obliged to eat it with the
wrong end, became furious to madneſs at the idea of a
fwinith multitude daring to think for themſelves, and
determined to chaftife them for their extreme infolence.
Accordingly, the Emperor of Whiſkerandos and the
King of Swindlers attacked them moft furioufly, and
in the end obtained the most glorious advantages, as
the Galligafkins conquered a valuable part of the
former's dominions, and then proceeded to attack the
Argentine nation (a pretended Republic) , clofe adjoin
ing, threatening it with total annihilation . During
all this, Billy Shallow, not choofing to put himſelf to
the pain of declaring open war, had proceeded in a
back-ftairs manner to infult them, in many inftances
very groffly, until they were goaded on to declare war
againft Lilliput. Mafter Billy, now arrived at the
point he was aiming at, expofed to the Senate the per
fidy and villainy of the Galligafkins, in declaring war,
without any provocation, and demanded the trifling
fum of two or three millions of argents (an argent is
about twenty fhillings fterling), to defend the nation
against fo profligate an attack. His faithful majority
accordingly granted all his demands, without a fyllable
of inquiry, trufting in all refpects to his immaculate
purity. The Minifter now fent over a large body of
troops, openly avowing it as their bufinefs to chaftife
the Galligafkins, and oblige them to give up their con
quefts ; but fecretly intending they fhould join the
confederated Kings in obliging that nation to eat their
foup again with the wrong end of the fpoon .--More
troops were afterwards fent over for the fame purpoſe ;
and the combined Powers, after the mroftglorious cam
paign, not only drove the Galligafkins out of their con
quefts,
184 FRAGMENT .
quefts, but actually conquered a few inches of the Gal

ligafkin territory, with the lofs of fome officers and only
about 100,000 private men ; an exploit that will cover
the Generals with immortal honour. During this
fcene of glory and renown , many other remarkable
events happened. Mr. Inquifitor Ninny denounced
impriſonment and pillory against every man who fhould
dare to affert that the people had a right to eat their
foup with the right end of the ſpoon ; and fome were
actually punished for making the affertion . Lord
Bobadil and Sir Bilberry Diddle took a fea-port belong
ing to the Galligafkins, with feveral of their fhips, and
held them in truft for an imprifoned Galligafkin Prince,
until the combined Powers fhould be enabled to com
plete their defigns upon that nation, by extirpating all
the men, and then obliging all the women and children
to eat their foup with the wrong end ofthe ſpoon . For
tune, however, jostled his Lordship and Sir Bilberry,
and the town became untenable . when they moſt he
roically, and with the most exalted juftice and equity,
burnt the fhips, and a part of the town, in truft for the
fame Prince. The Duke of Gunpowder, who was the
General of Fortification , fortified the tower of the me
tropolis in the moſt able manner, with fand - bags and
empty cafks ; intending, with the moſt engineer- like
exactnefs, that the former fhould be thrown at its af
failants, for the purpoſe of blinding them ; and when
that was effected, the latter fhould be fired perpendi
cularly upon them ; by which means each man being
encloſed in a cafk, that, by its natural propensity to
rolling, would tumble him into the adjoining river,
the affailants would all be drowned. Such was
the immenfe and able plan of this exalted Gene
ral. Let us now return to that most glorious and
just war, where we left the combined Powers in pof
feffion of fo much glory and renown . Theſe Powers,
animated by their recent moft glorious fucceffes, entered
upon another campaign with fury, and had the moſt
complete
FRAGMENT . 185
"complete fatisfaction of running away to the tune of

Galligafkin mufic, with which they were fo delighted,
that they left their baggage and ammunition to the
Galligafkins, as a reward for treating them with fuch
delicious tunes . An action that will cover them with
immeaſurable renown ! The trumpet of Fame will
found it to pofterity as an exploit never equalled by all
'the heroes of antiquity. During this, the Lilliputians
had conquered fonie of the Galligafkin colonies . Seve
ral remarkable events likewife happened . An alarm
was founded from one end of the kingdom to the other,
that the Galligafkins had landed 100,000 men with red
caps and no breeches, who were marching quick to the
capital, through the by- roads and back-ways. Terror
thook the kingdom to its centre. Lawyers, Parfons,
and Phyficians, mounted their horfes, changed their
gowns and wigs for fwords and truncheons, and took
the field, trembling at every bray of an afs, fearing it
to be the dreaded enemy. Books and papers were
feized, that treafon might be distilled out of them,
whilft their owners were fent to prifon, till their offences
were found out. The Miniftry faw every thing through
a red cap medium ; and the whole kingdom waited in
dreadful expectation till the enemy fhould think proper
to appear When, lo ! it turned out that all the terror
was occafioned by an Alarmift feeing the fign of a red
cap at a little diftance from the metropolis, which fo
horribly frightened him, that he dreamt of a Galligaf.
kin army being landed, and believed it a real fact when
he awoke . Billy Shallow now carried tax after tax in
the Houfe of Tools , and invaded the liberties of the
people with impunity. The Galligafkins, in the mean
time, continually victorious, entered the metropolis of
the Argentine nation in triumph, and annihilated their
pretended republic . Billy Shallow was now forced to
beg humbly for peace ; which was granted, on condi
tion of giving up all the Lilliputian conquefts ; of ac
knowledging the right of the Galligafkins to their new
conquefts ;
186 ABSENCE .
conquefts ; and likewiſe their right to eat their foup as

they pleafed. Thefe conditions the Minifter acceded
to. Thus ended this moft glorious, juft, and neceffary
war, after having coft Lilliput about 60 millions of
argents, and about 100,000 men. The people, juftly
exafperated at fo flagrant and profligate a waste of their
blood and treafure, in fupporting the perfidious fchemes
of their Miniſters, recovered from the delufion in which
they had been involved by the arts of the Miniſtry, and.
loudly and univerfally demanded that they ſhould be
equally reprefented. The Miniftry, unwilling to ac
cede to a meaſure which would effectually take away
their places, their influence, and their patronage, tem
porized till the moment of conciliation was paffed away ..
-Cetera defunt .
ABSENCE.
SWEET Girl ! fince you left me and went out of town,

I fcarce utter a word, and I conftantly frown ;
As for bufinefs or pleaſure, I think them but folly,
'And while others are laughing- I'm quite melancholy.
When I wake in the morning, I turn me around,
But, alas my lov'd Sufan is not to be found ;
When yourpillow unprefs'd makes your abfence quite certain,.
I curfe blankets and theets, and ſwear at the curtain.
When I leap out of bed, ftill your image bewitches';
I'm at least twenty minutes in finding my breeches ;
And after I'm drefs'd a full hour or more,
I find they are button'd the wrong fide before.
Ah! Sufan, at breakfaft, how happy we ' ve been,
O'er the fragrant infufion of eight- fhilling green,
While rapture attended on every fip,
And I envied the cup the foft touch ofyour lip.
But now on the table I carelessly loll,
My appetite ' s gone-I can fcarce eat a roll ;
And I cannot help thinking, while drinking my tea,
That the white fugar ' s brown, and the hyfon- bohea.
At dinner- whenever your eye glanc'd a wifh
Tow'rds the hot roaſted fowl-how I feiz'd on the dish!
Then
PHILOSOPHIE de l'univeRS . 187
Then fent you a wing, and a bit of the breaft

For fancy still whiſper'd me what you lik'd beft.
But now I'm fo ftupid I care not a button
Who carves out the beef, or who cuts up the mutton
I fpill butter and gravy all over the cloth,
And when I drink porter-run my nofe in the froth.
The fofa ! on which we ' ve fo often beguil'd
The lingering hours , while you liften'd and fmil'd ;
Till rapture its tenderett language would fpeak,
And the tears of delight I have kifs'd from your cheek
Sweet fofa ! farewell, for thy influence is o'er,
The lingering hours now but linger the more ;
And with tears of delight my eye never o'erflows,
For I've got a bad cold, and they run froni my nofe.
Then hafte back to town , my fweet Sufan, and prove
All the whimsical pleafures that wait upon love ;
Our days fhall be pafs'd in frolicfome flirting,
And as for our nights ! -I here drop the curtain.
FOZHUE.
that
PHILOSOPHIE DE L'UNIVERS .
B
OROMASIS .
A FOEM IN DIALOGUE, BY M. DuPont de NEMOURS.
SCENE At the Commencement of the World.
Perfons of the Drama. - Oromafis and Arimanes, the Spirits
Good and Evil.
" L'Exiſtence eft la demonftration du bien.”
OROMASIS. -At length I have overcome thee.

In fpite of thy oppofition, I now affume poffeffion
of matter, and proceed to create the world.
Arimanes.-Thou haft overcome, but thou haft not
deſtroyed me. My deftruction is even beyond thy
power to accomplish . Like thyself, I am immortal.
I ſhall be thine eternal foe. Difpofe of matter at thy
pleaſure, from which however thou fhalt never be
able to banish me. Create thy world..
Oromafis
Oromafis . From the breaft of Chaos feparate thy

felf; come forth, flame ethereal ; unite again into
globes, and in millions of milliards become Suns,
revolving upon your axes, in the place which fhall
be fixed by the equilibrium of your reciprocal attrac
tions . Conftitute the bafes and the movers of the
Univerfe.
Matter lefs perfect, Air, Earth, Water-elements
that affume thefe various fhapes,according to the dif
ferent degrees of heat with which you are impreg
nated- changing Proteus, triple Hecate- form your
felves into globes lefs confiderable, lefs brilliant, more
numerous, more habitable. f Be diftributed among
thofe Suns that fhall communicate to you motion, and
difpenfe to you light.
Around that Sun by which they are governed, and
in the mode preferibed by his revolution, let the largeſt
among you traverse the circle of their vaft orbit.
Follow him like friends rather than flaves. You pof
fefs an influence ; difplay it in the proportion of your
maffes, to the almost infinite diftances by which you
are feparated. Let your courfe through the ocean of
light, already determined by the impulfion beftowed
by your particular Sun, be regulated by his attraction,
by your own, by that which the Planets, your fifters,
and yourſelves, thall mutually exert over each other,
and even over him .
Let the fmaller, ferving as Satellites to the former,
re- acting upon them, yet carried along in a correfpond
ing revolution , more diftinguished by then than Suns
of another celeftial family by the fuperior connexion
they maintain, and the fenfible influence they exert,
compofe perpetual links, revolving at once round their
*.
axis their Sun, and their prevailing Planet. !
Hoft of Heaven, march ! 67
V Arimanes. —All this is as yet but mechanifm , with
which my inventive genius takes no concern . Pro
ceed, Oromafis ..
Oromafis.
PHILOSOPHIE DE L'UNIvers . 189
Oromafis .-Planets ! my beloved daughters , let the
aëry fluid let the vapours by which you are fur
rounded, refracting, collecting, concentrating the folar
rays, diffufe over your vallies a genial warmth ; while
your mountains and your poles, refervoirs of ice,
which the obliquity of your ecliptic alternately melt
ing and renewing, fhall fupply the channels of the
rivers, and feed the waters of the ocean ; from which
again fhall proceed new vapours, inexhauftible mothers
of new fprings. Let them be condenfed by the
coolness of the morning into gentle dews, and, as the
wants of Nature require, let them be precipitated by
a rapid guft of wind in copious fhowers.
Arimanes. Let them form alfo the dreary fnow,
the defolating hail, the deftroying thunder.
-
Oromafis . Plants ! arife in your varied fpecies,
your different beauties, your tranquil enjoyments.
In you fhall commence animation . Upon you I beftow
the faculty of developing your own forms and providing
your own nouriſhment. You I endow with the bleff
ing of reproducing yourſelves . Into you I infufe.
the firft fpark of creative fire. You fhall feel the
power of Love: The youthful poppy, at firft unable,
without drooping, to fupport the weight of his little
bud, foon as the generative flame has glided through
his fibres, fhall rear aloft to heaven his fpreading flower,
gaudy in pride and voluptuoufnefs, now about to give
place to his crowned fruit which fhall fcatter afar his
productive grains. Palpitate, lovely and perfumed
r
rofe, rich and odoriferous pink, beauteous tulip, noble
lily, fweet tuberofe, and thou too, timid violet, with
thee alfo 7 chafte and modeft muſhroom , live ! love ! 4
Let the zephyr carefs you, let the fhowers fupply your
nourishment, and let the Sun brighten your colours, "
and confirm your ſtrength *.
Arimanes. Among you fhall poifons fpring.
Oromafis (to Arimanes) .They Thall not, however,
Jupes 92
* Quem mulcent auræ, firmat fol, nutrit imber, CATULLUS.
be
190 PHILOSOPHIE DE L'UNIVERS..
爨
be poiſon to themſelves. They too fhall participate
enjoyment like the reft ; and do you know that I may
not endow them with as many useful properties as thou
ſhalt infuſe noxious qualities ? {
•
(Continuing his work. ) Animals, appear.-You in a
higher degree than the plants, each according to your
rank, fhall poffefs memory, reflection, the power of
reafoning, and of labour. }
Your loves fhall be more exquifite and moral .
They fhall not be always confined to mere phyſical
pleaſure. You will ftrive to pleafe, 1 and you fhall
pleafe . Many of you fhall live together in families. 1
Almoſt all your females, and part of your males, fhall
know the tender delight of loving their children— a
fentiment fo delicious and fo pure, as to infpire me,
the Father and Ruler of the world, with the defign of
giving you life.
Arimanes.---The gentleft of them fhall wage war
with thy plants, and with their teeth fhall, without
remorfe, tear, mangle, and devour them. The greater
part even fhall devour one another.
Oromafis (to Arimanes ) .— It is neceffary that they
fhould ceafe to be ; and I return you thanks, * that by
thy cruelty thou provideſt me, in this matter fo limited,
with the means of conferring existence upon a greater
number of animated beings. (Refuming his work.)
I proceed to form the firft of Animals, that which
is deftined to excel them all in knowledge and in hap
pinefs. His circular head fhall contain a greater mafs
of that exquifitely laboured matter, which I can render
the organ of thoughts. I fhall place the occipital 1
orifice nearer the face ; and alone of all the creatures!
I have formed, this auguft animal fhall point his looks
to heaven. He alone fhall be able to conceive any:
idea of my exiftence, feeble indeed, and inadequate,
yet juft. I will open his J heart to the fentiment of
piety. He, in a higher degree than all the other
beings I have created, ſhall be myſon ; for he alone
among
among them fhall be able to recogniſe and to adore

in me a father and benefactor. His erect ftature ſhall
give his form an appearance of greater fize and dignity
than most of the animals that are fuperior to him in
ftrength . His legs thall be fufficient for walking and
running; his induftrious hands thall be left free for
arms * and for the arts. Thefe, but chiefly the fupe
riority and perfectibility of his mind, thall fubject to`
his dominion the various inhabitants of his terreſtrial
globe. He fhall become their King . The horfe and
the dog fhall be his amiable and faithful fervants ; the
fturdy bull, the fanguinary wolf, the formidable lion,
the furious tiger, the voracious crocodile, the huge
and fagacious elephant, the fierce rhinoceros , fhall
yield him obedience, or fly from his purfuit. Behold
Man! I breathe upon him with complacency the
breath divine ; I give him life !
Arimanes. ――――― And I - I give him death !
Oromafis.-Infenfate, thou doft not perceive, that it
is thou thyfelf that completeft my work. Ah! what
could be made of life without death ?
Then I fhould not have poffeffed the power to grant
him love. Matter would have been infufficient for
the multiplication of a race of immortal men . He
would then have been no fon, nor huſband, nor father.
He would have funk below the plant. In his miferable
exiſtence, & he would have experienced only torment
without end. His life would not have been preferable
to that death which he derives from thee, or rather.
from me, through thy agency. Thou haft rendered
death hideous, and this is all thou art able to perform .
Nature and I have made it falutary and good ."
(To Man .) Man ! it is my will that you refemble
me as much as a creature can reſemble a deity. I
give thee ſtrength,
He
*).
Here the author is incorrect-The neceffity for the uſe of arms0
ought to have been an endowment of Arimanes.
‫ار‬ 2 Arimanesi
192 PHILOSOPHIE DE L'UNIVERS. ,
Arimanes.Ifhall confume it by fatigue ..

Z Oromafis .-Courage.
Arimanes. I fhall convert it into rage.
Oromafis. -Reaſon .
* Arimanes. I fhall mislead it by paffion and by
error.
Oromafis (Still to Man) . For thy happineſs I fhall
combine all my efforts to form my laſt maſter- piece.
Among the plants, the flower which is destined
to produce fruit, I have formed in the moſt agreeable
and brilliant fhape, and finiſhed with the niceſt ſkill.
Woman ſhall be the flower of human kind.
Come to me, all ye elements of beauty, of grace,
virtue, fenfibility, beneficence, and gentlenefs, com
bine and arrange yourſelves to pleaſe and to enchant.
Man I could form after my own image ; for Woman
I have no model, but in bright fancy. Let her be
the moſt perfect of vifible creatures- and, if the can,
the most happy.
Let her heart beat with a livelier pulfe than that
of Man. Let her live more in a leſs time ; and yet,
that the may enjoy a longer career, the fhall be good
and uſeful to her laft moment. Let her blefs three
generations. Let her conftitute the happineſs of her
lover, of her children, and even of her grandchil
dren ; and in each varying age let the tenderneſs ſhe
inſpires be mingled with refpect. Let her delicate
nerves convey to every fenfe rapid affections. Let her
flender foot be proper for the dance, and her white
hand to bestow careffes. Let her forbear to employ
them profufely in the fwift courſe, and in labours too
fevere. Let her elegant form, and her round limbs,
difplay and infpire temptation in all their movements.
Let them be covered with a foft fatin, not to be
touched without inflaming the daring hand. Let her
fine eyes be the mirror of her foul, in which the ob
ferver fhall read an indulgent and affecting kindneſs ;
even while the drops them on the ground, let them
betray
PHILOSOPHIE DE L'UNIVERS , 193
betray her fecret withes. Let her breath diffufe the
perfumes of the peach . Let the gentle down be
fpread upon her cheeks - let them be coloured by an
expreffive verinilion , which in the emotion of a ten
der thought, ingenuous fhame fhall diffufe even over.
her brow modefty. Let her enchanting bofom repre-.
fent the celestial globes, of which a rofe -bud fhall
form the magnetic pole. Let it offer to defire its
firft enjoyment - its firft nourishment to infancy ;
and let man ever remain in doubt, whether it has
moft contributed to the happineſs of the father or
of the fon . Let her long ringlets, flowing and yet
bound, ferve at once to fo many charms as the veil
and the ornament : let them be the fhelter of the new
born infant, and when chance-but more, when af
fection fhall divide them, let the lover feel as if along
with them the heavens were opened.
Arife, Goddefs, whofe charms even inſpire emotion
in him by whom thou art formed. Go, and reign .
over thy companion , who fhall believe himfelf the
mafter becauſe he is the ftronger, but who only is en
dowed with fuperior ftrength, the better to defend and
to ferve thee.
1 give thee one want, love-one bufinefs, love- one
duty, love-- one recompenfe, love.
Arimanes. - I have furveyed the Goddefs, and I
acknowledge the reflections that arofe within me. "" Is
it poffible," faid.I, “ that this merciless Oromafis can have
rendered Man, whom he has created, more happy than I
I'who am a God- am able to be ?" But availing myfelf
of the imprudence with which thou haft laviſhed thy.
praiſes upon her, and of the enthufiafim with which
the infpires her lover, I have breathed into her heart
vanity, from which coquetry will inevitably fpring.
Perhaps no woman fhall be exempt from thefe two
defects, or if there fhould be one-but fhe would then
be no longer a woman, and to difcover her would re-.
quire the fearch of many thoufand ages .
VOL. I. K The
The moſt virtuous and the moſt faithful will delight

in the homage of flames which they do not intend to
gratify. Their refufal even fhall be attractive : they
fhall adorn it with the names of efteem and friend
fhip . They fhall fay, " Indulge not hope ;" perhaps
they will imagine that they do not give hope ; but
the feductive charm of their voice, and that felf- merit
with which, by the care I have employed, this Man
of thine fhall be devoured, fhall reply, " Hope is not
yet extinct." The gentlenefs of their character, even
under the femblance of confolation, fhall ferve to
confirm this idea by a perceptible train of kindneſs,
infinuating looks, and little attentions. They fhall
thus, whether by defign or accident, deceive the lover
whom they mean to difmifs. They ſhall trouble, and
often they fhall deftroy, the happineſs of the man
whom they have chofen .
Thou haft bestowed upon them love-love, a name
which I cannot even hear without madness ; 1 , who
am condemned by my nature to the torment of being
incapable of either loving, or of producing, to the rage
of hate and deftruction ; I then invent jealoufy. Thou
art unacquainted with its diftractions. Happy Oro
mafis ! thou haft no equal. I, however, have found
a fuperior in my equal, and unextinguifhable jealoufy
burns in my heart. I fhall diftil upon man, and upon
woman, its infernal poifon . It fhall be the fruit of
their moral loves, which thou haft boafted with fo
much emphafis . The plants that await the favours of
Jove, like thofe of the refreſhing ſhower, and to whom
every pifil and every ftamen is agreeable, are ignorant
of this malady. But animals, and moſt of all Man,
fhall know what it is to prefer, and fhall be folicitous to
be preferred. I fhall fteep in venom this natural feel·
ing; I fhall fow difquietudes in his breaft ; jealouſy
fhall be keen and penetrating ; the juftice of its ob
fervations fhall inceffantly embitter the agony of its
conjectures ; it fhall pierce on every fide, with ftabs
perpetually
PHILOSOPHIE DE L'UNIVERS . 195
perpetually redoubled, the heart which it once has
touched . It fhall agitate the mind between the frantic
defire of combat and the infanity of fuicide. It fhall be
incapable of diffimulation . Its reproaches, partly juft,.
partly unfounded, thall difguft the woman who knew
herfelf innocent, and wifhed to remain fo : and often
thefe reproaches fhall drive her into guilt. But the
never would have forfeited her innocence if he had not
been infected with coquetry ; and never would have
wantoned amidſt the fnares of coquetry, had fhe not
been actuated by vanity. I fhall do the whole.
I fpeak only too of women who fhall have preferved
the foul of honour, who fhall be worthy of esteem,
who fhall figh for their weaknefs, who fhall lament
their anger, and weep in anguifh the defpair and the
lofs of the true friend of their heart. In their fuffer
ings fhall I brave you the moft. I fhall mingle with
bitterness their ſweeteft recollections . I fhall ftrive to
increaſe their mifery, in proportion as thou haft
placed thy pleafure and thy glory, in rendering them
capable of a virtue the moft pure, and a happinefs the
moft exalted .
Oromafis . - Thou haft now unriddled the enigma of
the world.
Of itſelf matter was inert, and fuch it was thy with
that it should remain. On this account firft thou ven
turedit to fight against me.
Compelled to allow me to infpire it with animation,
thy only refource was to profit by its eternal qualities,
to blend fome evil with the good which I was to efta
blish . But thou couldft only place evil where I had 4
placed good. Thou couldft only turn the faculty of
thinking into pain, becaufe I had opened it to enjoy
ment and to felicity. Thou couldt only invent guilt
and mifery, becaufe I had created virtue and pleafure .
Slave while thou clankeft thy fetters, thou fheweft
that thou art bound ; and thou promoteft my fervice
even by exerting thy malignity .
K 2 Couldft
1.96 PHILOSOPHIE DE L'UNIVERS .
Couldst thou give predominance to evil- could

thou only put it in equilibrium with good, every thing
would flop, generation would ceafe, life would be de
ftroyed, and again fhould we begin to contend for
chaos . The existence and the duration of the uni
verfe are, and fhall remain, the eternal proof of thy
inferiority.
Foul ferpent ! thou crawleft in my train, ftaining
with a portion of thy venom my works, which , thou
art unable to penetrate and to deftroy. I weigh in the
fcales of my benevolence the quantity of pain with
which I fhall permit thee to enhance the value of the
numberlefs enjoyments I have produced . It is in
exact, but ever fubordinate, proportion to the good of
which I conceive the idea and the wifh.
Wherever I do not place life, or fomething that
holds a relation to life, thy power ccafes .
Wherever I beftow only a fmall portion of life and
of morality, thou canft introduce but little evil.
Where I fcatter my favours with a liberal hand ----
where I place refined organs, and exquifite fenfibility,
an intoxicating tendernefs in friendship or in love,
knowledge, paffion , the enthuſiaſm of honour and of
virtue, in bodies whofe emotions are eafily excited,
and in fouls of expanfive intelligence, thou canft cafily
imprint thy wounds and thed thy poifons . They-affect
with pain, and fuffering expreffes itself in complaint.
But choofe as judges thofe even who are interefted in
the decifion- confult all the living beings that have
iffued from my hands . Not one of them would wiſh
to lofe a part of his life- and , to be releafed from his
fufferings, confent to be deprived of his enjoyments .
The plant in its confufed fenfation, could it conceive a
fettled with, would not defire to be a fione. The more
enlightened would reject the ftate of the plant. Man
would be mortified were he degraded into a brute ; and
the man of genius, the man of a fufceptible and cner
getic mind, would prefer death to the ignominy of
being
A SPECIMEN OF A NEW DICTIONARY. 197
being thruft down to the loweft rank of his fpecies.

Each rather endeavours to elevate himſelf to a more
dignified fituation . Each labours inceffantly to ang
ment his pains, in order to increafe his pleafures . To
fuffer in order to enjoy, is to live ; and whoever has re
ceived life, loves and is folicitous to preferve it.
Leave me then to carry to perfection the beings
whom I have created capable of it. Man and woman
are yet new, and in a kind of childhood ; per
haps in their golden age their fpecies is deftined to
reach a higher degree of elevation . I must lead them
by the path of the fciences and the arts into political
focieties, and to the greateſt poffible multiplication of
happy beings.
Arimanes. Thou prepareft for me a vaft career : thy
fciences, thy political focieties, thy multiplication of
the human race, fhall bring with them crimes and
evils which cannot be contemplated without horror.
Oromafis. I believe, Arimanes, they will produce
inestimable advantages . In due time we fhall fee. I
know thy perverfity ; but I know too the limits of thy
power. The nature of things does not allow me to
prevent fuffering where there is life ; but neither fhalt
thou prevent the existence of more good than evil, nor
life itſelf from being accounted a good.
A SPECIMEN OF A NEW DICTIONARY,

ADAPTED TO THE 66 EXISTING CIRCUMSTANCES .
ADMINISTRATION-A Partition Treaty among

ten or twelve noblemen and gentlemen of different
political principles, to fhare all the great offices of the
ftate for the purpoſe ofſupporting the Conftitution.
Allies-Any number of armies who unite in the profe
cution of a war in which each party has a separate
intereft .
K3 1 Alarmift
198 A SPECIMEN OF A NEW DICTIONARY.
Alarmifi-Any nobleman or gentleman who wants a

place .
Bellum Internecinum -An expenfive and bloody war,
undertaken for procuring a change of adminiſtration
-in France.
Coalition- Vide Adminiftration.
A Jacobin- Any perſon who oppoſes the folly of the
prefent war, or any of the meaſures of his Majeſty's
minifters .
Oppofition-Jacobins .
Subfidy-A large fum of money given to any Sovereign
Prince forthe protection of his own dominions .
A Glorious Victory--A temporary repulfe ofthe enemy,
with great flaughter on both fides.
A Retreat- Taking a new pofition, or advancing back
wards.
A Defeat Aflight check, with the lofs of cannon and
camp equipage.
A State Secret- What every body knows.
A Treaty-A folemn engagement between two Sove
reign Princes, never to be broken, except when con
venient to either party.
The Houfe of Commons-A fet of gentlemen chofen by
a few individuals, to fupply the Minifter with m ney.
Parliamentary Reform- A very defirable thing, but not
fit to be difcuffed either in time of war or in time of
peace.
Rational Liberty- The fufpenfion of the Habeas Corpus
A , the eftablishment of Spies, fecret examina
tions, & c.
Church and State- The Lifhops and his Majefty's minif
ters .
Liberty ofthe Prefs -The liberty of praifing Adminiſtra
tion, and libelling their opponents.
Exifting Circumftanes-Any public difafter that may
ferve as a pretext for minifters changing their mea
futes, and keeping their places- fuch as the retreat
of the allied armies into Holland.
CONSEQUENCES
( 199 )
CONSEQUENCES OF AN INVASION OF THIS

COUNTRY BY THE FRENCH .
SHOULD the French be rafh enough to attempt the

invafion of England, and fortunate enough to make
good their landing, there can be no doubt but that they
would be beaten back by the valour of Englishmen .
Great, however, would be the confternation ; and the
following confequences would be the refult of their
audacity :
The Confols would be very low indeed, how low no
man can pretend to fay ; and as for Scrip . Omnium,
Navy, and Exchequer Bills, why, they would be rather
flat.
All the Maids of Honour, and moſt of our faſhion
able ladies, would be ready to faint at the idea of
thefe Sans-culottes : the thoughts of a general raviſh
ment would go near to kill them .
The Yeoman Cavalry, and the Fencible Corps,
would be in high ſpirits, and glory in the occafion to
fignalize their valour.
The Bank Directors would look grave, and fo would
the monied men- they would not be able to tell what
would come of it.
The democratic villains in the country would aſk for
arms to repel the foe, but Mr. Pitt and his accomplices
would be almoft afraid to trust them.
All the fhops would be fhut up in London, and the
Men-milliners and He-haberdaſhers would be in re
>
quifition.
The News-boys with their horns would make a
great noife in the world.
The Theatres would exhibit empty benches, and
poft-horfes would be difficult to obtain.
There would be fome fine fpeaking in St. Stephen's
Chapel, and fome of its members would feel queerly.
The ſpirit of the people, and their attachment to our
K 4 glorious
glorious conftitution, would be fhewn in the brighteſt

colours.
The Alarmifts would be really alarmed . Meffrs .
Pitt, Dundas, Burke, Windham , and Lord Grenville,
and the Chancellor, would have a grand dinner, and
afterwards there would be a Cabinet Council !
All differences would be adjuſted in Pall - Mall , and
the profpect of Windfor Keep would be gloriously im
preffive.
" God fave the King" would be fung in every corner
of the kingdom .
There would be fome great victories ; and the tri
umph of Old England would be complete.
PASİTEDEREZ)MMENTATOR:
THE EXPENSE OF ECONOMY .

[From the Courier.]
DoO you know, Mr. Editor, that I am in the high
road to be ruined by economy ? Never did a
poor man pay fo dear in order to fave money, and it
is all owing to the cry that you and others have fet up
about fcarcity, that I am fairly driven out of my own
houfe, and am the laughing- flock of all my neigh
bours.
You must know that I have the good fortune to
enjoy the beft wife in the world. She is a pattern to
all her acquaintance ; the looks into every thing her
felf, is quite notable, a great manager, an excellent
market-woman, and knows the cheapest fhop in town
for every article we want. This is not only a great
comfort as well as faving to ourſelves, but 1 a great
convenience to our friends ; for when any of them
want to buy a gown, or a pound of raifins, they are
fure not only to confult my wife, but to take her with
them for fear that they fhould be impofed upon ; and
the kind foul is every day upon her feet trudging into
the city with one friend or another, becauſe really in
the city things may be bought for almoſt half price ;
and
and this I can affure you is true, from the extraordi

nary bargains that the conftantly makes.
But, Sir, to my misfortunes. I need not tell you ,
Sir, who have fo well defcribed the prefent fcarcity,
that every feeling heart is anxious to leffen the con
fumption of wheat, and to make as great a faving as
poffible of bread in theſe hard times. The number of
fubftitutes for flour which have been fuggefted by the
ingenious Sir John Sinclair, Prefident of the Board of
Agriculture, and others, ftruck my wife very forcibly.
" Dear me," fhe faid one morning at breakfaſt,
" how fimple the recipe is-juft one half flour and one
half potatoes. I declare I will try it, and then we fhall
make our own bread, and what a faving that will be !
it is but having a little caft- iron oven put up at the fide
of the kitchen grate, and it will be the moft conve
nient and handy thing in the world ; it will bake à
pie, or a few tarts upon an occafion ; and you know,
my love, it will keep your leg of mutton hot and com
fortable any time that you should happen to be de
tained at the counting- houſe. What do you think of
it, my dear ?"
I never have an opinion of my own upon any fubject
of this kind. My wife is fovereign out of the count
ing- houſe, which is my only territory. My dear, "
fays I , " you know beft . It is furely the duty of every
one to leffen the confumption of wheat, and if you
think a mixed bread will aufwer, I would have you to
try it ; but, my love, might you not make your ex
periments, and fend the loaf to the bakehoufe, and not
buy an oven till you fee how it anſwers ? "—" Oh dear,
no, by no means ; now that is always your way. My
confcience ! truft a baker with an experiment when he
is to be deprived of our custom, if it fucceeds. No, I
thank you. Why, he would , burn it on purpofe."
There is no arguing with my wife , the is to clever ;
and befides, when once he takes up a thing, the finds
out fo many advantages in a minute that did 44.01not firike
Tavara her
K 5
her at first , that the fecond reafons are often more

forcible than the original inducement. This was pre
cifely the cafe about the little caft-iron oven ; it was
thought of only for the fake of the potatoe bread, but
fuch a variety of ufes for an oven came crowding up
in her mind, that ſhe wondered how we had ever been
able to go on without an oven : an oven would fave
itfelf in two months in the expenfe of fuel, for the
declared, for her own part, that the liked baked meat
as well as roaſt, and whenever I dined out, fhe and the
children could do very well with a bit of a beef- ſteak
pie, or a baked fhoulder of mutton : and befides, a
caft - iron oven was no expenfe ; fhe faw one fold at an
auction for a couple of guineas, and fhe was fure the
knew the broker that bought it, and would fell it again
cheap. I did not ſay a word more.
When I came home to dinner, my wife told me
with great joy that the had got the oven, and the mafon
was coming in the morning to fet it ; and fhe had
only paid two guineas and a half, and it was as good
as new . There was not a fingle crack about it, and
it was quite charming . There was only one thing that
The did not know how to manage ; there was not room
by the fide of the fire for the oven, without removing
the boiler ; but he was fure, if the mafon had not
been an afs, he might have contrived it fomehow :
but, hang the copper, it was not wanted often ; it
might be put up in the little back cellar near to the
ftable. It would be eafy, the mafon faid, to carry up
a flue. I faw fhe had fettled the whole plan, and the
entertained me during dinner with the preparations ſhe
had made for our new bread. She was fure, the faid,
that potatoes would be dear, becauſe every body was
going to eat them, and the had therefore the precaution
to buy in as many as the thought would ferve us for
the winter. " Good God ! my dear, they will fpoil.
Where can you keep them ? " —" I warrant you I'll
find room," fays fhe ; " and as to their ſpoiling, I'H
anfwer
1
THE EXPENSE OF ECONOMY . 203
anfwer for them . How do I preferve pears till the
month of June, and furely they are more delicate than
potatoes ?" I know how clever my wife is at theſe
things ; her preferves are excellent, and there is not a
week but fome of our friends are not forced to fend
to us for a pot or two, when their own are all ſpoiled,
and my wife always takes care to have enough on that
very account.
Well, Sir, next day my wife begged of me to dine
at the coffeehouſe, becaufe I knew the kitchen would
be quite taken up with the mafon ; and fhe was deter
mined to lofe no time, for fhe would have a loaf ready
to put in as foon as the oven was fet . Well, Sir, I
went to the coffeehouſe, and told my friends how ne
ceffary it was for every body to fet an example in theſe
hard times of eating a mixed bread, and that I was de
termined to introduce it in my own family. Indeed,
I faid, my wife was actually about it. " Ay, Mr.
Cakeling," faid a neighbour, " you are the man to lead
us the way ; you have a wife that knows how to do
every thing. I'll be bound that the makes bread fit
for a prince, if the fets about it." This is the way,
Mr. Editor, that all my friends fpeak about my wife,
fhe has got fuch a name for cleverneſs. So I went
home quite full of our new bread- No-quite elated I
mean ; for, oh ! Mr. Editor, to this day, and it is fix
weeks ago fince we began to bake, I have not got a
bellyful of home- made bread.
I wish I had time to go through all our experiments .
One time our loaf would not rife ; another time it
would not come out ; it ftuck faft to the bottom ; it
wanted falt ; it had too much falt ; it was too wet ; it
was too dry ; it was fometimes quite dough, but in
general it was burnt to a cinder. It went on this
way
for the first week ; my wife and I could not diſcover
the reafon . We had tried potatoes in every way ; we
had boiled them, mafhed them, pulverized them,
poured water after water upon them to make them
K 6 white ;
white ; we had reduced ( I fay we, for, being a national

object , I was happy to take a part ; befides, I own I was
a little on the alert, for I had promiſed my friends at
"
the coffeehouſe to bring them a loaf) —we had reduced
twenty pounds of potatoes to two, and I had made
excellent ſtarch of it, though we could not make bread.
We had confumed half the ftock of potatoes that was
to have ferved us all the winter, without getting a A
fingle loaf that was eatable. My wife cried for vexa E
tion . She was fure there must be fomething in the
matter that we did not dream of, for fhe knew as well
how to make bread as any baker in Scotland, but ſhe
would find it out before the flept .
An old baker, who had now turned flour- factor, of
our acquaintance, was called in , not becaufe fhe did not
know as well as any baker in Scotland how to make
bread, but there might be fome knack in managing the
oven, that he was unacquainted with-fomething in
the way of heating it, or of putting the bread in it,
# or of taking it out ; in fhort, for once fhe would
take advice. " Lord, Ma'am !" fays the flour-factor,
" it is no wonder you could not fucceed - why, Ma'am ,
you have got one of thoſe kickshaw iron ovens . Lord
bless you ! they don't anfwer. They'd burn all the
bread in the world before they ' d bake it . There's no
doing any good with an iron oven . " My wife was
ftruck dumb ; but the yet was fatisfied fhe was com
pletely acquitted ; the fault did not lie with her ; but,
however, it would be cafy to alter it ; a fmall oven
might be built for a mere trifle on the good old plan,
and an oven I accordingly got.
But mark the confequences. The kitchen chimney
was torn down, and fomehow or other the flue was in
jured. It was impoffible to live in it for fmoke. My
maid gave us warning, the could not live in it, and I
was forced to dine at the coffeehoufe every day . My
wife, however, is a woman of refource: She applied
to an ingenious mechanic who has great fkill in chim
nies.
nies. This man has invented a fine apparatus for a
kitchen . He has a range that does every thing. It
boils, roafts, ftews, and bakes, all by the fame fire, and
the expenfe is nothing, for it faves itfelf in fire in a
twelvemonth . Nothing would fatisfy my wife but to
have this new-fathioned range, and accordingly, at an
expenſe of more than fifty pounds, I have got my
kitchen metamorphofed ; and I am making mixed bread
at no allowance.
My wife has got into the way. This caft - iron oven
on the new plan fucceeds to a miracle ; and I ſhould be
quite happy if it were not for the expenſe ; but really,
Mr. Editor, there is nothing fo dear as economy. I
calculate that every quartern loaf of bread which I
make cofts me half-a- crown ; and this is not the worſt
of it ; fometimes we all get the gripes into the bargain .
I believe that my apothecary's bill will come to a good
round fum for counteracting the effects of the ftaff of
life.
I do not afcribe this to my wife ; no, Sir , fhe is the
beft woman upon earth ; but you know it was natural
that the fhould try all mixtures. So one day we had
wheat and barley, and that gave us the dyfentery ; the
next we had a mixture of oatmeal, and that put our
blood into a fever ; on the third we had potatoe bread,
and then we had indigeftion . In fhort, without know
ing at firft the reafon, we have all been unwell ; have
all had occafion for the apothecary ; and we are all be
ginning again, without venturing, however, to fay fo,
to with for plain old houfehold bread from the baker.
My neighbours have, fomehow or another, found
this out, and I am truly to be pitied . They afk me
jeeringly how many hundred weight of potatoes go to a
quartern loaf ; and the very flour-factor that my wife
called in faid to my face at the coffeehoufe, that if
this faving plan went on, all the flour in the kingdom
would be wafted ; and to tell you the truth, I begin to
think fo. CHRIST . CAKELING .
ALONZO
( 206 )
ALONZO THE BRAVE AND FAIR IMOGINE.

A ROMANCE
Convers'd asfo
A WARRIOR fat and
bold,
they a virgin
on the ; bright,
greenfo
They gaz'd on each other with tender delight!
Alonzo the Bravé was the name of the knight
The maid's was the Fair Imogine.
(6 And, oh !" faid the youth, " fince to-morrow I go
To fight in fome far diftant land,
Your tears for my abfence foon leaving to flow,
Some other will court you, and you will beſtow
On a wealthier fuitor your hand !"
" Oh hufh theſe fufpicions," Fair Imogine faid ,.
" Offenfive to love and to me:
For if you be living, or if you be dead,
I fwear by the Virgin, that none in your ſtead
Shall hufband ofImogine be.
" If e'er I, by luft or by wealth led afide,
Forget my Alonzo the Brave,
God grant, that to puniſh my falfehood and pride,
Your ghoft at the marriage may fit by my fide ;
May tax me with perjury, claim me as bride
And bear me away to the grave !"
To Paleftine haften'd the Hero fo bold ;
His love fhe lamented him fore :
But fcarce had a twelvemonth elaps'd, when, behold,.
A Baron, all cover'd with jewels and gold
Arriv'd at Fair Imogine's door !
His treafure, his prefents, his fpacious domain,
Soon made her untrue to her vows ;
He dazzled her eyes, he bewilder'd her brain ;
He caught her affections fo light and fo vain
And carried her home as his fpoufe !
*This beautiful piece of poetry is extracted from a romance called

the Monk, written by Mr. G. P. Lewis, M, P. As it paffes to us
through the medium of the newfpapers, it appears to come properly
enough within our plan.
And
ALONZO THE BRAVE AND FAIR IMOGINE . 207
And now had the marriage been bleft by the prieſt ;
The revelry now was begun ;
The tables they groan'd with the weight of the feaft ;
Nor yet had the laughter and merriment ceas'd,
When the bell at the caftle toll'd - ONE !
Then firſt, with amazement, Fair Imogine found,
That a ftranger was plac'd by her fide :
His air was terrific ; he utter'd no found :
He ſpoke not, he mov'd not, he look'd not around—
But earneſtly gaz'd on the bride !
His vifor was clos'd, and gigantic his height !
His armour was fable to view :
All pleaſure and laughter were hufh'd at his fight;
The dogs, as they ey'd him, drew back in affright ;
The lights in the chamber burn'd blue !
His prefence all bofoms appear'd to diſmay ;
The guefts fat in filence and fear ;
At length ſpoke the Bride, while the trembled- " I pray,
Sir Knight, that your helmet afide you would lay,
And deign to partake of our cheer !"
The lady is filent ; the ftranger complies ;
His vifor he flowly unclos'd :
Oh, God ! what a fight met Fair Imogine's eyes !
What words can exprefs her difmay and furprife,
When a fkeleton's head was expos'd !
All prefent then utter'd a terrified ſhout,
All turn'd with difguft from the fſcene ;
The wormsthey crept in, and the worms they crept out,
And fported his eyes and his temples about,
While the fpectre addrefs'd İmogine :
" Behold me, thou falfe one ; behold me !" he tried,
" Remember Alonzo the Brave!
God grants, that, to punish thyfalfchood andpride,
My ghoft at thy marriagefhouldfit bythyfide;
Should tax thee withperjury, claim thee as bride,
And bear thee away to the grave!"
Thus faying, his arms round the lady he wound,
While loudly the fhriek'd in difinay ;
Then funk with his prey through the wide-yawning ground !
Nor everagain was Fair Imogine found,
Orthe fpectre who bore her away.
Not
208 RELATIVE TO THE SHAKESPEAR MSS .
Not long liv'd the Baron ; and none, fince that time, T
To inhabit the caſtle pretume ; M
For chronicles tell , that, by order ſublime,
There Imogine fuffers the pain of her crime,
And mourns ner deplorable doom.
At midnight four times in each year does her fprite,
When mortals in flumber are bound,
Array'd in her bridal apparel of white,
Appear in the hall with the Skeleton- Knight,
And fhriek as he whiris her around !
1
While they drink out of ſkulls newly torn from the grave,
Dancing round them the fpecies are feen : 14
Their liquor is blood , and this horrible ſtave 34
They howl-" To the health of Alonzo the Brave,
And his confort, the Fair Imogine !”.
R. Ireland, to have been quite ingenuous , fhould **

MR.
have given us the anfwer to Shakespear's Love
Letter. We have, with fome difficulty, procured a
faithful copy :
FROM ANNA HATHHERREWAYE TO HERRE WILLYE .
•
Although, doth Willye promiffe fayre,
Off manns deceits i multe beewayre
Full well i knowe theire artes and wyles,
And frownes doe oft iucceede theire fmyles.
My maydenne name once flunge awaye,
Noe longerre Anna Hath herre waye !
BON MOTTE OF QUEEN ELIZABETH.

[ EXTRACTED FROM SOME ANCIENT MSS . ]
[From the Telegraph . ]
66
YRRE Wallterre Rawleighe , whoe waffe a greate
SYRRE
favouritte , offe the Queenes Highneffe, ande a
manne offe fafhionne , affe welle affe a phylloffophere,
introducedde the fmoakynge offe tobaccoe intoe Eng
lande. Inne a fhorte, tyme the practyfe became quite
the tonne naye, the Queenes Majeltye herfelffe grewe
fonde offe itte, ande woulde oftenne indulge herfelfe
wythe
RELATIVE TO THE SHAKESPEAR MSS. 209
wythe a focyalle pype withe herre Maides offe Ho

noure, and fome offe the more . favouredde gentle
menne offe the courte.
" Inne one ofle thofe fmoakynge partyes, her
Highneffe havynge much agytatedde the nature offe
theire prefente enjoymente, atte lengthe broke uppe
the compannie, verie facettyouflye and wittillie re
markyne, thatte alle the pleaffure offe the even
" nynge
(affe didde the pleaffures offe thiffe tranfitorie
C
ande uncertaine worlde) hadde endedde in fmoake !"
Affe thiffe notable ande pleafaunte obfervacyonne waffe
utteredde bye her Highneffe withe her accuftomydde
gravittye offe countenaunce, the courtlie Baronnes
ande noble Ladyes prefente didde notte welle knowe
whetherre theye were toe looke grave orre feryoufe,
toe laughe, orre toe crye ; ande foe, eche offe themme
puttynge a fore fingerre upponne theire lyppes, theye
didde inne concerte fueeze, ande inne a lowe voice
eche cried- TE HE !' "
GUY EARL OF WARWICK.

(SHAKESPEAR's Mss . )
[From the Morning Chro icle.]
A CORRESPONDENT from Warwickfire informs

us, that in the very diligent fearch, which in
confequence has been made after fonie late difcoveries
of old manuſcripts , a family in the neighbourhood of
Guy's Cliff have difcovered an old cedar trunk , filled
with papers written by Guy, the redoubted Earl of
Warwick, and a number of other curious antiquities
originally belonging to the valorous knight.
A fhort fpecimen of a love -letter written by this
intrepid champion to the Princefs Frizzegunda, to
whom he was afterwards married, will thew how
worthy thefe papers are of the public attention , and
perhaps tend to throw a new light on the Champion
of Warwickshire, and fhew that the public have been
as
210 RELATIVE TO THE SHAKESPEAR MSS .
as much mistaken in his character, as fome late pa

pers prove they have been mistaken in their opinion
of the Warwickshire Bard.
The original orthography is religiously adhered to,
and proves that, however they fpelled in the days of
Queen Elizabeth, in the days of King Athelftein,
bunches of filberts and bunches of confonants were
24
equally plentiful.
"Toe the Sovaraigne Myftraeffe offe mye adoratyonnes,
the Princeffe Frizzegunnada, wythe a platte offe
orrange tawnye haire, pluckedde fromme the taile.
of the dreddefulle dunne Cowe, offe Dunnefmore
Heathe, bye the hande offe herre true Knyghte,
Sirre Guy.
66
Dearest Blaffomme offe mye Soulle, ande Blloome
offe my Hearte !
" I have conquerredde, ande the depredacyones offe
the dunne cowe are noe more, forre he lieth atte his
lengthe on a jacques . Determyninge toe difcomme
fytte himme, I didde yesterdaye prepayre mee forre
the commebatte ; and greate waffe the ftryffe betweene
uffe: butte thie Guye iffe comme offe victoriouffe,
ande didde make his ennemmie toe roare thatte he
waffe hearde forre more thanne fortie longe myles.
The particcullarres I will telle untoe thee whenne wee
meete ; butte, as a trophye offe mye vallourre, I have
pluckedde fromme the taile offe the monſterre fundrie
buncheffe offe haire, which bye the hande offe thie
owne deare Sirre Guye are cunninglye plaitedde ande
curyouflye knottedde, ande I doe entreate thatte thoue
wille looke atte itte affe hiffe lyttelle worke, and che
rifshe itte for hiffe fake untille hee cafte himmefelfe atte
thye feete, forre hee iffe thynne everlaſtynglye .
" GUY, E. OF W."
A
B
R
A
>K A LETTER
( 211 )
A LETTER FROM ONE OF THE FAITHFUL ON

THE SAME SUBJECT .
SIR,
GOL OING down on Friday to my villa, " bye
Thames," I took with me Mr. Malone's " In
quiry into the Authenticity of the Shakeſpear MSS ."
and fo warmly interefted have I been in the contro
verfy, that I never laid down the book until I came
to the laſt page . But what was my aftonishment,
when I found that Mr. Malone had filled nearly 400
pages with a ſeries of the moſt groſs abuſe, quibbles,
and downright hatred and malice, for which it is not,
perhaps, difficult to affign a good reafon . Had Mr. M.
found a cheft-full of genuine manufcripts of Shake
fpear, he would have acted very much otherwife. But
to come to the point
His principal objections are to the fpelling, the
phrafeology, and the dates. Now, Sir, as to the
fpelling, it is a matter, furely, of the leaſt conſequence ;
for if I receive a letter from a Queen or a Lord, what
is it to me that it happens to be wrong fpelt, provided
it contains an invitation " toe playe before ourefelfe
toe amuſe uffe.” I fet it down, therefore, as a rule,
that the contents of a letter, and not the ſpelling, is the
most important part.
2. As to the phrafeology, Queen Elizabeth was a
woman of great learning, and fo was Southampton,
and fo was Shakeſpear himſelf. They knew the past
and the prefent, and what was to hinder them from
anticipating the ftyle of future times ? For example :
Shakeſpear has defcribed the " guardians of the night"
fo admirably in " Much ado about Nothing," that one
would think he was at this moment in the office of
Pariſh Conftable.
3. As to dates, we find every day, that people
make mistakes. I once dated a letter of fome im
portan e know that
there
212 UPON THE SHAKESPEAR FORGERY.
there is no fuch day in the whole year ; but did my

correfpondent confider it as fpurious upon that ac
count ? No, Sir ; he knew the hand-writing, and that
was enough.
And this brings me, fourthly and lastly, to what
Mr. Malone thinks his main argument, the hand
writings in Mr. Ireland's MSS. being totally different
from thofe in the Mufeum. Now, Sir, it unfortu
nately happens that this is the weakest of all his argu-,
ments. There are three cafes in which the fame man
will write very differently ; first, his having a good a
or a bad pen ; Secondly, his being drunk or fober ; and
thirdly, his having broken or dislocated his arm, and
its having been improperly healed .
I truft, Sir, nobody will deny thefe pofitions ; but
what is proof pofitive, if Mr. Malone would have had
patience to wait a little longer, is, that there are writ
ings which can be brought forward, proving, by his
own hand-writing, that Shakeſpear often wrote with a
very bad pen ; or, as he fays ( MS. 4692 of the un
published), " a meirrveillouffe badde gooffee quille."
This, I think, will fatisfy any body ; eſpecially as it will
be accompanied with a drawing of a penknife which
hefhould have had, when he wrote the letter without it.
Another writing is to be brought forward, proving
that Lord Southampton was in a ſtate of inebriety
when he wrote his epiftle. The words exprefsly are,
that hee hadde hifs beerre onne boardde, andde
hikkuppedde mofte mellodioufsllie. " Now, Sir, let
me afk you, if Mr. Malone, or yourſelf, or myfelf,
could have written a plain hand with fuch a confufed
head ?
With respect to Queen Elizabeth's hand, there are
a packet of papers, which are to be found in the north
caft corner of the trunk, which give an account of her
having dislocated her " Royal wrtee," and its being
very clumfily healed . There are alfo the original re
ceipts ofthe medicines fhe took while under cure, one
of which runneth thus : " R. Rhab
EXAMPLE OF FOUL LANGUAGE . 213
1 « R. Rhabbarrbarri pulverizz. gr. xxx .
Pullu Zinnzziberr. gr. x. M.
Capp. mannee inn quovviss vehbicculloo . "
But, I fuppofe, Mr. Malone will fay, that becauſe
rhubarb and ginger is a common compofition now, it
must be an anachronifm . Sir, he might as well call
it a, rheumatism.
In this manner, Mr. Baldwin, will all his objections
be removed ; and I think it peculiarly fortunate for all
true believers (of which number you may perceive
I am one) , that he has ftated his objections fo early
as to give fufficient time for the great author of our
new religion to provide antidotes . Mr. Malone was
too precipitate . The trunk is but opened, and he
thinks he fees to the bottom already ; but let him be
content with what he has done ; let him wait pa
tiently, and let us, true believers, fay, with our ever
lafting Bard,
" Thus bad begins, but worse remains behind."
I am, Sir, yours,
ONE OF THE FAITHFUL *.
EXAMPLE OF FOUL LANGUAGE, IN ALLUSION

TO THE CONDUCT OF MODERN POLI
TICIANS .
SIR,
OUR rulers and thofe of France having adopted the
manner in which our Billingsgate dames ufually
decide their difputes, it is not unfair to conclude that
the gentlemen have fimilar feelings with the ladies, and
will equally enjoy a triumph at their own weapons.
The following little anecdote will furnish the Chan
cellor of the Exchequer with a fratagem, which can
* It is almoſt unneceſſary to point out to the readers of this col
lection, that this letter, and feveral of the foregoing articles, are
meant to ridicule the curious manufcripts, which that worthy man,
Mr. Samuel Ireland, attributed to Shakefpear.
not
214 EFFECTS OF A GENERAL ELECTION.
not fail to fecure him the victory, and filence his ad

verfary : 1
In the fifling-town of Johnfhaven, in Scotland, I
witneffed a contest between two Ladies of the Baſket,
which, for fome fifteen or twenty minutes, was con
ducted on both fides with a virulence of invective, and
an exuberance of epithet, that has hardly yet been
equalled by their dignified imitators : at length, how
ever, one of the ladies, finding herſelf fairly outrailed
by her foul-tongued antagonist, but unwilling to quit
the field, laid her arms acroſs, affumed a placid fmile,
"
and, to every foul epithet, returned an humble courteſy ;
her fuccefs was complete ; for her yet enraged adverſary,
deprived of the fuel that fed her fire, and her gall ftill
unexhaufted, came up to her very nofe, ftuck her
arms a -kimbo, and foaming with wrath, exclaimed,
" Speak, fpeak, ye b— , or I fhall burſt ! ! ! ”
Let our rulers go, and do likewife.
MELANCHOLY EFFECTS OF A GENERAL

ELECTION.
MR. BALDWIN,
HOSE who are advocates for fhorter Parliaments
TH
than the period of feven years, would do well to
confider the many bad confequences which a general
election is attended with ; and then reflect how much
better it is that thefe confequences fhould return once
in feven years, rather than oftener. A man who is
troubled with the gout thinks but little of it, if it re
turns only once a year ; indeed he confiders that as a
periodical difcharge, or receipt in full, for all errors in
cating and drinking ; but what his fituation would be,
if the fit were to return once a week, or even once a
month, I leave you, Sir, to judge !
But to come to the point. Among the other melan
choly effects of a General Election , I obferve, that fun
dry
EFFECTS OF A GENERAL ELECTION. 215
dry very worthy gentlemen have totally and almoſt
fuddenly loft their fight, to fuch a degree, Sir, that
they don't know their dearest friends," when they
meet them in the ftreets . This is furely a very great
calamity ; but it is attended with a fymptom not often
defcribed in medical writings ; namely, a preternatural
adhesion of the infide of the hat to the outfide of the
caput, or head ; fo that it will fearce move to return
the politeft bow; whereas, a few weeks ago, it went
off with the flighteft - touch, like the patent piftols.
This diforder, Sir, has occafioned no fmall confufion ;
fome have caught the heartburn from it, and others are
worked up to a degree of frenzy, for which I am
afraid there will be no cure theſe ſeven years. 1
Befides bodily diforders, fome that more particularly
affect the mind have become very prevalent. I know
many of the moft polite gentlemen, who, a very few
weeks, or even days ago, were perfect patterns of
grace and affability, on a fudden become rude, difiant,
and forbidding. They have no more manners than a
coffeehoufe waiter the week after Chriftmas, and take
no more care than a watchman who has received his
annual douceur. Even inanimate things feem to par
take of the fame changes : doors that ufed to fly open,
as if by magic, now remain obftinately fhut, or creak
upon their hinges, with a moft difcouraging found ;
the confequence of which has been, that many, who
do not chooſe to call again, have caught fatal colds in
their heels , by waiting in gloomy antechambers, and
flone- paved halls.
But the worst mental diforder of all, and which I
think must be of great detriment to the unhappy pa
tients, is a total lols of memory, to fuch a degree, that
they cannot poffibly recollect to-day the promiſes they
made yesterday and even though reminded ever fo
often, they have not the moft diftant idea of thoſe de
clarations and engagements, which they feemed to make
1. with the greatest earnestness. It would be fuperfluous
T to
216 THE ALARM OF 1792-3 .
to ſtate the ill confequences which muft arife from this

fymptom ; I thall only add, that, when joined to the
blindnefs above mentioned, the patients appear to be fo
very bad, that nobody can know them for the fame men ,
nor hold converſation with them as they uſed to do .
They afford, indeed, a melancholy illuftration of the
two myftical words BEFORE and AFTER ; which, in
politics, as well as matrimony, are placed at an im
inenfe diftance. I am, Sir, yours,
A CITY PHYSICIAN.
P. S. As there is no evil without fome mixture of
good , I think it my duty to add, that one or two of my
patients, who, a few weeks ago, were fo addicted to
booing, as to appear crooked, have recovered the per
pendicularity of their figures, by a fingle dofe of a ine
dicine called a return.
THE DREADFUL ALARM* .

SIR,
ON my return from a peaceable corner in the weft of
England, I found the metropolis convulfed by the
alarm of a dreadful and horrible plot against the con
ftitution and government . Shocked beyond meaſure
by fuch exifting circumftances, you may fuppofe I was
very anxious to get at the bottom of this buſineſs ; but
as my arrival happened to take place late in the evening,
I was obliged to content myſelf with the information
that my family could afford, and which was fo fcanty,
as to increaſe my fears, without fatisfying my curiofity.
After a long fleep, provoked by a hard and long
ride, but interrupted by fuch frightful dreams as are
incident to epileptic ftatefmen and hyfteric politicians ,
I fet out after breakfaft, fully determined to invefti
gate this matter, and act accordingly.
Conceiving, from a geographical, or rather topo
This letter appeared foon after the alarm in 1792-3 , which ſerved
as an introduction to the prefentjuſt and neceſſary wat...
graphical
2
THE ALARM OF 1792-3 . 217
graphical principle, that the city, on account of its

clofe and confined fituation , the narrowness of the
fireets below, and the denfity of the fmoke above,
must be the proper place for an undifcovered plot, I
repaired thither with all poffible fpeed, and went first.
to the Bank. " But why first to the Bank ?" you will
fay. I will tell you, Sir . The Bank, I humbly pre
fumed, if not the feat of a plot (which we know it is
not, becauſe no bufinefs is tranfacted therefecretly),
might, with great probability of advantage, be the
object of one. Meeting, therefore, my broker, Sam
Scrip, I took him afide into a corner (for, between
ourfelves, I do not think that plots are matters to be
talked of in public) " Well, Sam, have you heard
of this plot ?"
" Yes, and a hellish bufinefs it is."
" But what are the particulars ? for I have been in
the country for fome weeks."
"6
Why, the particulars, as far as I know yet, are,
that Bob Hopkins and Bill Dafhit, who always did a
power of bufinefs here, have refufed to pay, or give up
their principals ; and Bob fays -—————— ”
" But, Sam, what is all this to the purpofe"" ? The
plot I mean is fomething againſt Government. '
" I don't know of any fuch matter. (Door-keeper
calls, Sam Scrip is wanted.') Good morning ; if
you mean to do any thing, I'll be with you in half an
hour."
Paffing from my friend Sam, whofe ignorance I de
plored, I went into the ' Change, and finding an old
friend feated on one of the benches, with what Foote
calls " a lovely dejection of fpirits," I endeavoured
to found him .
" So, my old friend, here have been fine doings
among you. How are things now ?"
" Why, Mr. Medium ( for that, Sir, is my name) ,
only fo fo ; I don't believe I fhall ever get him out."
Get him out ! Get who out ?".
VOL. I. I. 46
Why,
218 THE ALARM OF 1792-3 .
66
Why, the fellow I let the houſe to in Conftitution
Row . They called him a packer. D- n fuch packers !
He a'nt worth a groat ; and now he fwears he won't
part with the leafe, unlefs I give him fifty pounds !"
Leaving this unfortunate landlord, who , like Sam,
was thinking of nothing but his own bufinefs, I re
paired to the fhop of an eminent paftry - cook, a great
politician , and what they call a very forward man in
the parish." His firft queftion, as ufual, confifted of
two words " What news ? ”
" I really know none. I have been in the country
for fome time ; but I learn that all the fat is in the
fire among you. "
" O Lord ! yes, we are in a d- nableflew, that's
for certain ."
" But what, when, how ? "
Why, for my part, I do verily believe there has
been fome ftrange kick-up above ftairs- we can't carry
on a trade at this rate."
(Now, thought I, I fhall hear the whole of the plot. )
" I believe," continued Mr. Pyecruft, " I believe
we must fit out fome thips . "
" But how has this happened ?
66
Happened ! you must know that a few nights
ago a moft delicious froft came on, the only chance we
had ; but, egad ! next morning, the weather was as
warm as in July."
" Well, but what is all this to the plot ?"
" Plot ! plot ! I don't know what you mean by a
plot-but this I can tell you, that, if we have not a
fwinging froft, or fit out fhips for Greenland, you'll
have no ice next fummer- that's all."
I declare, Mr. Editor, I left this man's fhop with
fome degree of difgufi , as well as difappointment.
Strange that a man living in the very heart of a plot,
with a combination on one fide, an infurrection on
the other, with a combuftion before, and alarming
reports behind- that fuch a man fhould think of no
thing
THE ALARM OF 1792-3 . – 219
thing but cooling his wines ! My blood was boiling at

this fellow, when luckily, as I thought, I met with
Mr. Rupee, a Director of the Honourable Eaſt India
Company, and a very particular friend . From his
high rank and ftanding with the great men weft of
Temple Bar, I concluded that I fhould have the bufi
nefs properly explained . After the ufual compliments,
ventured to afk the Eaftern Chief fome queftions.
" I am told, Mr. Rupee, there is fome very great
alarm among you. "
" There is, indeed, my dear friend . In all my
life I never knew fo critical a period . I fee nothing
but ruin.".
" You alarm mc : but explain. "
" What is it poffible you can be ignorant ?.
Where the devil can you have been ? Heard nothing !
Why, have you not read of the refolutions of feveral
trading towns ? They want to lay open our trade ; Sir,
they want to break up our monopoly. "
I faw now, Mr. Editor, that it was time to purſue
my journey ; and finding all quiet in the city, I turned
wellward. The firft acquaintance I met in the Strand,
was a favourite fon of Thefpis, coming from the
theatre, where he had had fome morning bufinefs .
66
So , Billy, I know you are pretty familiar with
fome of the great. What am I to underſtand by this
plot ? or is there in fact any plot ?"
" Why, yes friend Medium , there is a plot, and.
between ourfelves , a d - d plot.” 1
" Well, but can you give me an outline of it ?
What is the purpoſe of it? Who are concerned in it ?"
" O, willingly ; for you muſt know it depends on
me a good deal .
" On you ! you ! -you , of all men !"
" Yes, me ! I was drawn into it purely to oblige a
friend, for fuch things are not much in my line ; "but
I don't think the public will bear it . ”
Bear it ! I hope not with all my foul !"
L 2 66
Nay,
220 , THE ALARM OF 1792-3 .
" Nay, he is a pleaſant dog enough, and I with

him well ; but I muft fay the plot is plaguy lame
Don Guzman falls in love with the daughter of Don
Antonio ; but Carlos, a fpirited young fellow- I play
Carlos.'""
I thought, Mr. Editor, I could not eſcape too foon
from this unraveller of plots, and accordingly poſted .
away farther and farther weftward, in hopes of intel
ligence ; but I am forry to fay I found every body too
intent on their own buſineſs and contrivances, to think
of any plot againſt Government. I was about to return
home in dudgeon, when I met with an acquaintance
belonging to a public office, and entreated him to give
" me a little infight into the buſineſs . " What !" fays
he, have you come fo far without reading the whole
matter ? Pr'ythee, return , and confult the bills upon
the dead walls ; I can't recommend a better place.
than the wall of the Britiſh Muſeum, which is a fund
of public information."
Silly as this advice feemed , I determined to take it ;
but my difappointments were not yet to end. All I
could read on the wall mentioned, I now fend you ,
and I confess I do think that there is fomething caba
liftical and myfterious in the words, which I hope
fome of your readers will explain.
SOCIETY AGAINST LEVELLERS .
SETS OUT EVERY MORNING AT 8, AND DINE AT
OXFORD.
RIGHTS OF MAN.
HAD ON WHEN HE WENT AWAY A DARK BROWN
COAT .
ALEXANDER MACKENZIE , MY COACHMAN .
SAVES SOAP, SAVES CANDLES , SAVES LABOUR.
"
Such, Mr. Editor, is the principal part of the in
formation I have been able to obtain . If within a fort
night from this date I do not hear more from you, or
fome of your correfpondents; on the fubject, I fhall
certainly
SONG ON MR. FOX'S BIRTH - DAY, 1798. 221
certainly advertife, and offer a reward of an hundred
pounds for this plot, or a fum for any part of it in
proportion . Meantime I am, Sir,
Your hunible Servant,
MARMADUKE MEDIUM .
SUNG AT THE ANNIVERSARY OF MR . FOX's

BIRTH-DAY, IN 1798 .
TO Dan Apollo of old, when young Phaeton came,
то
And afk'd him permiffion to kindle his flame ,
But little the god thought of taking that oath,
Which was facred among gods and goddeffes both .
Tol de rol, &c.
To the boy's proud ambition compell'd to give way,
He harness'd his ſteeds to the car of the Day ;
The lad feiz'd the reins , and, quite proud of the whip,
Tipp'd the nags the long trot, but they gave him the flip.
Tol de rol, &c.
Though they fcamper'd along at ſo ſpeedy a rate,
This fon of a god was quite blind to his fate ;
And forgetting the maxims that fell from his fire,
Quite unable to drive, fet the world all on fire.
Tol de-rol, &c.
Jult thus has our national charioteer Pitt
To drive the ſtate-coach of the kingdom thought fit ;
And difdaining to ride a poftillion to Fox,
That ableft of coachmen-he pufh'd from the box.
Tol4 de rol, & c.
The guard was afleep in the baſket behind ; ´
So he mounted the box, fix'd himſelf to his mind :
In the dark he took up a moſt ponderous load,
And flounder'd- not knowing one ſtep of the road.
Tol de rol, &c.
The load was fo heavy-fo dark was the night,
That he foon loft his way-yet he fwore he was right ;
And rather than part with the reins, or the whip,
Heflogg'd the poor cattle fromshoulder to hip.
Tol de rol, &c.
Soon the paffengers faw the great diff'rence of ſkill
Between their old coachman and poftillion Will,
L 3 Who
222 LAST DYING SPEECH
Who firm in his feat, though he knew he was wrong,

Damn'd his fare, fuck'd his quid- and then box'd it along!
Tol de rol, &c.
In vain did the wretches difcover their fright ;
In vain did they afk-nay, infift, they would light :
He told them he drove for his mafter the King ;
And't was then they found out-- they had loft the check
ftring ! Tol de rol, & c .
But foon, now they ' re fuck in the mire, may they feel
'Tis time each his thoulder fhould clap to the wheel ;
Or elfe their mad coachman , ftill calling on Heaven,
Will fink them to deep, that no aid can be given !
Tol de rol, &c.
Then like Phaeton, he who thus dar'd to afpire,
Proud charioteer Pitt, will confume in his fire ;
Till Fox, like Apollo, again takes the fway,
To prove none can rule - like the God of the day.
Tol de rol, &c.
MARTE :201
THE LAST DYING SPEECH AND CONFESSION ·
Birth, Parentage, and Education,
Life, Character, and Behaviour,
of that notified Malefacturer,
WILLIAM PITTMORE, alias Gallous Billy ;
Who was tried and convicted before the Judges of England,
for Robbery and wilful Murder, and executed accord.
ingly; with the whole of what paffed at the Place of Exe
cution.
" Good Chriftians,
"s
WHO are now witneffes to my unhappy fate and
untimely end, take warning by me, and be
cautious how you get into bad company, and yield to
the temptations of the evil one, who is always on the
watch to take advantage of poor finful fouls , and lead
them to perdition . I was born of honeft and devout
parents, who educated me in the ways of God, and
brought me up holily to the practice of the law ; but
owing to my own wicked and perverfe heart, I fell to
fabbath-breaking, drunkennefs, profane curfing and
fwearing, bearing falfe wituefs, and other abomina
tions ;
OF WILLIAM PITTMORE. 223
tions ; fo that I foon loft my character. Having

then fome money at my difpofal, I collected and
bribed a gang of the moft defperate villains who ever
infefted this metropolis, and urged them on to acts of
outrage, thievery, and bloodfhed, that caufed the ruin
and deftruction of many pious Chriftians in this land.
Though I never expofed my miferable perfon in any
action of danger, yet I fent many poor deluded
wretches to murder others, and oftentimes to be mur
dered themſelves ; for which reafon I hope all people
here affembled will pray for my future falvation in ano
ther world, fo that I may efcape the dreadful punish
ment of eternal damnation . Though my crying finş
are manifold, I can yet fay, by the bleffing of Hea
ven , that I never was addicted to the company of
harlots ; and though I may frequently have been fee
with my vile accomplices in a bad houfe, yet I always
preferved my chaſtity therein, and never, at any time,
did commit a rape on the body of any woman what
ever; for which, I truft, I may find favour hereafter.
I confefs that I treated the poor with great cruelty, and
took even their bread away without mercy, while at
the fame time I favoured the rich on all occafions
I likewife have caufed many thouſands of my fellow
creatures to be maffacred at different times, and in dif
ferent places, for the doing of which I have nothing
to fay in my defence . I acknowledge that I have been
a hardened reprobate, and would not ftick at any thing
to forward my own bafe fchemes, being led thereto
by a finful luft of the lucre of gold, and a moft wicked
ambition, for which I am now about to meet my
juft reward. I entreat, above all things, the forgive
nefs of Mr. French, whom I endeavoured, by the
wicked means in my power, to deprive of his liberty,
to ſtarve him and all his family, and to fet his houfe
on fire. Alas ! I never thewed mercy to any perfon
who had difpleafed me, if I could once get him into
my clutches, but glorified myſelf for a fanguinary ven
L4 geance,
·
224 A DARING ROBBERY.
geance, which I moft affuredly must have derived from

the devil. My pride of heart was fo great, that I
would take no advice, but went on my abominable
career for many years, until I was declared by all men
to be an enemy to the human race, and am in con
fequence now brought to juftice. Lord have mercy
upon my poor foul ! Amen ."
The wretched culprit was fo execrated by the popu
lace, that he was pelted all the way to the place of
execution with rotten eggs, dead cats, and the like ;
and when the awful moment arrived in which he was
launched into eternity, there was a loud and general
fhout of approbation and joy from all the fpectators .
William Pittmore, alias Gallows Billy, was upwards
of thirty - fix years of age, of a moft forbidding coun
tenance, with a fpare figure, thin legs, no visible
protuberance behind, and ſcarcely any chin.
A DARING ROBBERY.
" HIEVES ! thieves ! thieves ! was the general cry
T which
alarmed me in my bed a few nights ago ;
when opening my chaniber-door, I found two thieves
had made a forcible entry at the top of the houfe, and
were plundering it without mercy. " Hip ! hilloa !" faid
I, "who the devil are ye?" In anfwer to which question ,
a voice came down the well of the ftaircafe as hoarfe as
thunder, inforn.ing me they were the High Contract
ing Farties. " You be d- d," faid I , " for a brace of -
blackguards ; I know you well enough . Did not one
of you break into my houfe a fortnight ago ? did not
you rob my hen- rooft ? fteal my geefe and turkies,
drive away my pigs, fet fire to my barn, ravifh my
wife, ftrip my orchard, and frighten my children into
fits ? Did not you do al; this, you fcoundrels ? and pick
my pocket into the bargain ?" " Well, no matter for
that," faid they; "we are difpofed to be good- humoured
now,
A DARING ROBBERY. 225
now, and heartily forgive you for all that has paffed
between us : fo let ' s fhake hands, and be friends again .
Come, come, to forget and forgive is our maxim ;
and as we don't with to quarrel again, we mean now
to remove every, bone of contention , by leaving no
thing behind to contend for." On which , Sir, they
very deliberately proceeded to ftrip my butler's pantry;
my filver candleſticks, my filver waiters, my old family
filver tankard, my coffee- pot, my table-ſpoons, and
fnuff- box, were all removed off without cereniony,
and my chairs and tables followed . I had but one
pair of black breeches in the world ; and thefe, with
my beft hat and wig, they rolled up carefully in the
flap of my coat, and placed them to the account of
profit and lofs, with the articles above- mentioned . In
thort, Sir, I found them to be literally as they dc
feribed themfelves, High Contracting Parties ; for they
fat down to a fillet of veal of ten pounds, and contracted
it to half a one. They tapped a barrel of beer of nine
gallons, and contracted the quantity to half a pint .
They opened a quart bottle of cherry-bounce, and
contracted it to a thimble-full. In the parlour they
left nothing ftanding but the mantle-piece ; in the t
kitchen, nothing but the dreffer ; in the pantry, no
thing but the fhelves. They then ftole my cart and
horfes, to carry my goods off the premifes ; but had
the goodneſs to inform me, after quitting my houfe,
and leaving me as bare as a bird juft hatched, that I
need not be under any uneafinefs about future plunder,
as the High Contracting Parties, I might depend upon
it, would guarantee me. Now, Mr. Editor, as thefe
High Contracting Perfons are very well known to Mr.
Reeves and his friends, I with much to give them
notice of what is going forward ; as no honeft man
will be able to fleep in his bed if thefe infernal thieves
are not ſpeedily brought to juftice .
TOM POLAND.
15 THE
( 226 )
THE SORCERESS : A FABLE.

[From the St. James's Chronicle.] .
N the dead of the night, a Sorcerefs entered into a
‫אן‬
wood to exercife her infernal arts ; a large circle
was made, which was to enclofe the fcene of her ter
rible machinations ; a dreadful hurricane was preſently
raifed, the timber of the foreft was feized with con
vulfions, a 'peftilence went abroad among the folds,
the moon was drawn down from her orbit, and legions
of fpirits appeared before the Sorcerefs, and demanded
her pleafure. " Only, " fays the, " fhew me where
is my little dog that has run away from me."
MORAL.
Would the reader wifh for a better picture of a
modern democrat ?
He has been paffed over in the lift of preferments ;
he is rich, and unrewarded with nobility ; he is a
lawyer, and has not obtained a filk gown ; he is a
member of Parliament, and his predilection for fome
favourite meaſure has been croffed ; or, he has loft
borough by the oppofition of Government ; he is a
country gentleman, and his vote has not gained him a
place ; he is a perſon of feeling, and has received a
fuppofed flight from a man in power ; he is a mer
chant, and has loft a veffel for want of a convoy ; he
has not been received into the loan ; he is a mechanic ,
and his invention for burning the enemy's fleet has
been ill received. Any one of thefe difappointments
is enough to make a democrat ; that is to fay, a man
who, to gratify his refentment, would willingly involve
this country in the ruin of France, break up all the
peace and profperity of the land , and bring mifery
and defolation upon the fairest kingdom which the
nations ofthe earth have exhibited.
TERRORIST
( 227 )
TERRORIST NOVEL WRITING *.
SIR,
I NEVER complain of fashion, when it is confined
to externals ; to the form of a cap , or the cut of a
lapelle ; to the colour of a wig, or the tune of a bal
lad : but when I perceive that there is fuch a thing as
faſhion, even in compofing books, it is , perhaps , full
time that fome attempt fhould be made to recall writers
to the old boundaries of common fenfe.
I allude, Sir, principally to the great quantity of
novels with which our circulating libraries are filled,
and our parlour tables covered, in which it has been
the faſhion to make terror the order of the day, by con
fining the heroes and heroines in old gloomy caftles,
full of fpectres, apparitions, ghofts, and dead men's
bones. This is now fo common , that a noveliſt
bluſhes to bring about a marriage by ordinary means,
but conducts the happy pair through long and danger
ous galleries, where the light burns blue, the thunder
rattles, and the great window at the end prefents the
It is easy to fee that the fatire of this letter is particularly levelled
at a literary lady of confiderable talents, who has prefented the world
with three novels, in which the has found out the fecret of making
us " fall in love with what we fear to look on." The fyftem of terror
which he has adopted is not the only reproach to which he is liable.
Befides the tedious monotony of her defcriptions, fhe affects in the
moſt diſguſting manner a knowledge of languages , countries, cuf
toms, and objects of art, of which ſhe is lamentably ignorant. She
fufpends tripods from the ceiling by chains, not knowing that a tripod
is a utenfil ftanding upon three feet. She covers the kingdom of
Naples with India figs, becaufe St Pierre has introduced thofe tropical
plants in his tales, of which the ſcene is laid in India , and ſhe makes
a convent of monks a neceffary appendage to a nonaftery of nuns.
This fhews how well a lady underfands the wants of her fex. When
ever the introduces an Italian word, it is fure to be a gofs violation
of the language. Inftead of making a nobleman's fervant call him
Padrone, or Illuftriffimo, ſhe makes him addrefs him by the title of
Maeftro, which is Italian for a teacher ; fhe converts the fingular of
Lazzaroni into Lazzaro, &c. &c . & c.
This lady's husband told a friend that he was going to Germany
with his wife , the object of whofe journey was to pick up materials
for a novel. " I think in that cafe," anfwered his friend, " that you
had better let her go alone?”
L 6 hideous
228 TERRORIST NOVEL WRITING.
hideous vifage of a murdered man, uttering piercing

groans, and developing fhocking myfteries. If a cur
tain is withdrawn, there is a bleeding body behind it ;
if a cheft is opened, it cent ins a fkeleton ; if a noife
is heard, fomebody is receiving a deadly blow ; and if
a candle goes out, its place is fure to be fupplied by a
flash of lightning. Cold hands grafp us, in the dark,
ftatues are feen to move, and fuits of armour walk off
their pegs, while the wind whiftles louder than one of
Handel's choruffes, and the ftill air is more melancholy
than the dead march in Saul..
Such are the dreffes and decorations of a modern
novel, which, as Bayes-fays, is calculated to "elevate
and furpriſe ;" but in doing fo, carries the young rea
der's imagination into fuch a confufion of terrors, as
must be hurtful. It is to no great purpofe, indeed, that,
we have forbidden our fervants from telling the chil
dren ftories of ghofts and hobgoblins, if we cannot put
a novel into their hands which is not filled t with mon
fters of the imagination, more frightful than are to be
found in Glanvil, the famous bug- a-boo of our fore
fathers. "
A novel, if at all ufeful, ought to be a reprefenta
tion of human life and manners, with a view to direct
the conduct in the important duties of life, and to
correct its follies . But what inftruction is to be reaped
from the diſtorted ideas of lunatics, I am at a lofs to
conceive. Are we come to fuch a paſs, that the only
commandment neceffary to be repeated is, " Thou
fhalt do no murder ?" Are the duties of life fo
changed, that all the inftruction neceffary for a young
perfon is to learn to walk at night upon the battlements
of an old caſtle, to creep hands and feet along a nar
row paffage, and meet the devil at the end of it ? Is
the corporeal frame of the female fex fo mafculine and
hardy, that it must be foftened down by the touch of
dead bodies, clay- cold hands, and damp fweats ? Can
our young ladies be taught nothing more neceffary in
life,
AMAZING FEAT. 229
life, than to fleep in a dungeon with venemous reptiles,

walk through a ward with affaffins, and carry bloody
daggers in their pockets, inftead of pin- cushions and
needle-books ?
Every abfurdity has an end ; and as I obferve that
almost all novels are of the terrific caft, I hope the
infipid repetition of the fame bugbears will at length
work a cure. In the mean time, fhould any of your
female readers be defirous of catching the feafon of
terrors, fhe may compofe two or three very pretty
volumes from the following recipe :
Take-An old caſtle, half of it ruinous.
A long gallery, with a great many doors, fome fecret
ones .
Three murdered bodies, quite freſh .
As many ſkeletons, in chefts and preffes.
An old woman hanging, by the neck, with her
throat cut.
Affaffins and defperadoes , quant , Suff.
Noifes, whiſpers, and groans, threelcore at leaſt.
Mix them together, in the form of three volumes, to
be taken at any of the watering- places before going to
bed. PROBATUM EST.
AMAZING FEAT.
TINTINNABULOUS INTREPIDITY , OR SCENES OF BELL

RINGING .
LAST week the fociety of Treasury Youths rang a

peal of 6469 majors, bob-majors, and triple-bobs,
confifting of the following changes :
1. Glory of Old England- exertions by fea and
land-glorious victories.
Exertions by fea and land- glorious victories - and
glory of Old England .
Glorious victories -glory of Old England— and ex
ertions by fea and land .
2. Honour
230 ETYMOLOGY.
2. Honour of the nation- permanent peace-and

ample fecurity.
Permanent peace-ample fecurity-and honour of
the nation.
Ample fecurity- permanent peace—and honour of
the nation.
3. Our advice to the Admiralty- a line of ſqua
drons and the hints we threw out.
The hints we threw out-a line of fquadrons - and
our advice to the Admiralty.
A line of fquadrons- our advice to the Admiralty—
and the hints we threw out.
4. Famine in France- war in La Vendée--fafe
landing of the emigrants.
Safe landing of the emigrants-famine in France
and war in La Vendée.
War in La Vendée -fafe landing of the emigrants
and famine in France..
5. Traitors- Jacobins- democrats.
Democrats- traitors -Jacobins.
Jacobins-democrats- traitors.
Which they performed with aſtoniſhing ſkill, for a
wager of fome money, and a quantity of bread and beer ..
ETYMOLOGY.
[From the St. James's Chronicle:] +
STR,
Yo OUR reception of my critique on the Lover's Ballad
encourages me to fubmit to you the refult of other
critical ftudies. As I have been early trained " to
live on fyllables," I may fay without vanity. that I am .
well ſkilled in the fcience which hunts a word to its
primitive fenfe, by the clue which its component let
ters afford . I am fenfible that this gives me no title
to an elevated rank in the literary world, but it is uſe
ful ; and though the etymologift has been claffed
among the pioneers of literature, he may, perhaps ,
as
ETYMOLOGY. 231
as often congratulate himfelf upon fortunate difcovery,
as the poet may upon felicity of invention .
That this art has been the fubject of ridicule can
hardly be confidered as an impeachment of it, when
nothing refpectable, or even facred, can efcape a fneer.
My fellow-labourers and myſelf neither feel any injury
from Swift's derivation of Archimedes from Hark ye
maids, Strabo from Stray Beau, nor from that of King
Pepin from Ore , to be found in the Diverfions of Pur
ley. OσTEP, NTP, og, Diaper, Napkin, Nipkin, Pip
kin, Pepin-King, King Pepin. The greateſt autho
rities are on our fide to prove that every word in
modern languages muſt have a root ; and that of thoſe
in ancient languages, which are generally fuppofed to
be radical, many owe their origin to caufes not imme
diately obvious. In the difcovery of the fecret con
nexion which exists between words of fimilar founds
but widely different fignifications, in compelling them
by gentle conceffions of each other's meaning to unite,
confifts the perfection of etymology.
To the learned Junius the firft praife is due for his
painful refearches in this branch of philology. The
moft difficult words were traced by him to fources
from whence the indolent lexicographer could never
have fufpected they could have proceeded. Thus the
verb to moan, is derived by him from Movos (alone) , be
cauſe, he obſerves, grief naturally loves to be alone ;
thus the colloquial fynonime for fleep, a nap, is made
to flow from xvpas (darkness), becauſe darkneſs com
monly induces fleep. As Junius is a book not always
at hand, fuch of your readers as are defirous of in
proving themſelves in the art of making derivations,
may find thefe, and many more inftances, in the pre
face to Johnfon's Dictionary.
Lord Coke fhould not be omitted by him who has
the caufe of etymology at heart. Whatever his Lord
fhip might be in morality, he was certainly in gram
matical purfuits a Stoic ; fince it is to this fect, if we
may
232 ETYMOLOGY.
may believe Heineccius, that we are to attribute the

perfection of the fcience. Money, Coke fays, is de
rived from moneo, to admonish, becaufe it admonisheth
its poffeffor to make a good ufe of it. Its voice, I am
afraid, like that of confcience, is very low and weak.
Nummus, one of the many Latin names for money, is
derived from voos (law) ; becaufe it circulates by an
inftitution of pofitive fociety, not by any law of nature.
Quære, if directly the reverſe were the cafe, whether
the name would not then fuit it as well ; as it would
then circulate by a law of nature ? A great number
of fimilar inftances are to be found in the Firft Infti
tute.
Sanctioned by fuch names as Junius and Coke, I
have contributed my feeble efforts to the ſtock of deri
vative knowledge. I have diſcovered that Vale and
Valley proceed from the Latin Vale (adieu) , becauſe we
bid adieu to the valley when we get to the top of the
hill. Something very like this occurs in the gram
mars in common ufe at fchools, where Verfe is faid to
be the child of Vertere (to turn ) ; becaufe when we
come to the end of one verfe we turn our eyes to the
beginning of the next. As I intend to publifh my dif
coveries in fome mode that ſhall be productive, I can
not, confiftently with my intereft, communicate any
more of my improvements. Suffice it to fay that no
word is to be inferted in my dictionary which has not'
a copious explanation, and a long chain of reafoning ;
which, like that in Parkhurft's Hebrew Lexicon, will
prove that men were chymifts, philofophers, legifla
ters, and divines, before they turned their thoughts to
the invention of a language. 1
MOMUS CRITICORUM .
P. S. Does Piccadilly come from Peccadillo ; being
confidered at the time of its foundation fo remote from
the main part of London, as to argue a little error in
the builder ? if not, can any of your correfpondents
tell me its origin ? -
If
BRUCE'S ADDRESS .
233
If the following warm and animating Ode was not written near
the time to which it applies, it is one of the moſt faithful
imitations of the fimple and beautiful ftyle of the Scottish
bards we ever read, and we know but of one living poet to
whom to afcribe it.
BRUCE'S ADDRESS
TO HIS TROOPS , AT THE BATTLE OF BANNOCKBURN .
Scene, LEWIS GARDEN .
SCOTS, wha hae wi ' Wallace bled,
Scots, wham Bruce has aften led,
Welcome to your gary bed,
Or to glorious victorie!
Now's the day, and now ' s the hour !
See the front o' battle lour !
See approach proud Edward's pow'r !
Edward, chains and flaverie !
Wha will be a traitor knave ?
Wha can fill a coward's grave ?
Wha fae bafe as be aflave ?
Traitor coward ! turn and flie !
Wha for Scotland's King and law,
Freedom's fword will ſtrongly draw,
Freemanfand, or freeman fa!
Caledonian ! on wi' me!
By Oppreffion's woes and pains !
By your fons in fervile chains !
We will drain our deareſt veins →→
But they hall-- they SHALL be free !
Lay the proud ufurpers low ;
Tyrants fall in every foe ;
Liberty's in every blow !
Forwardlet us go or die !
6:30. V
SUPPLEMENT TO THE TOBAGO GAZETTE* .
JOTWITHSTANDING the minute attention to

every individual article with which the return of
military and other ftores in Tobago was made out, it
This article was intended to ridicule the pompous difplay in the
London Gazette of, paltry articles captured ; mufkets without locks,
locks without muskets, linftucks, &c. which certainly were not worth
the paper on which they were printed .
was
234 SUPPLEMENT TO THE TOBAGO GAZETTE .
was impoffible that, in the hurry of actual fervice,
fome important articles fhould not have been omitted.
After the first return was enclofed in the official dif
patch , it was difcovered that the French governor's
apartments had not been examined at all ; and the
following important inventory was taken :
Serv. Unf. Total.
Red flannel nightcaps 2 I 3
Thrumb ditto 1 I
22 +
- |-
Bag- wig I 1
Wig without a bag 1 I
L2 + H31
Bag without a wig I
Shirts without ruffles
Ruffles without fhirts 4
Shirt with one flap I I
176
3-0
Ditto with no flap
Screw-box with fnuff I I
Tobacco- pipes 7 3- 10
Ditto, much blacked in the bowl
11111
Ditto without bowls 2
Spitting-box, full 1
Ditto, empty 1 I
Bed-pan I I
Bidet, entered by mistake as a tureen I 1
Pots de chambre 3 4
Ditto without a handle • I I
[
142374H
Bafon of mutton broth · I I

Box of tooth-powder I
Small ditto of ointment
[[
Ditto without tops 3

Ditto without bottoms 7
Small tooth combs I 3
[
Falle tail, 1 foot 6 inches I I

Ditto 2 feet 1 inch, with a ſtrong curl at the
bottom I I
Bottle of eye-water, full I I
Ditto empty I I
Tinderbox with no flint I I
Ditto with no tinder I I
Ditto with co fteel I 1
Dark lantern, open all round I I
Samages with garlick I I 2
Ditto without garlick 3 -- 3
LIVE
A PARABLE. 235
Serv. Unf. Total.
LIVE STOCK .
111 cod - hd
Cat, tabby I
Ditto, tortoifeſhell 1 I
Ram ditto I I
Kittens of various colours 3
Blind puppies in a baket 2 2
Magpie without a cage I I
Raven with one leg I
A PARABLE ,
ADDRESSED TO PERSECUTORS .
ASCRIBED TO DR . FRANKLIN .
AND it came to pafs ,door after

of theſe things,
his tent, aboutthat
the
Abraham fat in the
going down of the fun . $.
And behold a man bent with age, coming from the
way of the wildernefs, leaning on a ſtaff.
And Abraham arofe, and met him , and faid unto
him, Turn in, I pray thee, and wafh thy feet, and
tarry all night ; and thou shalt arife early in the morn
ing, and go on thy way.
And the man faid , Nay ; for I will abide under this
tree.
But Abraham preffed hint greatly : fo he turned,
and they went into the tent : and Abraham baked un
leavened bread, and they did eat.
And when Abraham faw that the man bleffed not
God, he faid unto him, Wherefore doft thou not
worthip the Moft High God, Creator of heaven and
earth ?
And the man anfwered and faid, I do not worship'
thy God, neither do I call upon his name ; for I have
made to myfelf a God , which abideth always in my
houfe, and provideth me with all things .
And Abraham's zeal was kindled against the man,
and he arofe, and fell upon him, and drove him forth
with blows into the wilderneſs .
And
ON EXTRAORDINARY !
236 EXHIBITI
And God called upon Abraham, faying, Abraham,

where is the ftranger ?
And Abraham anſwered and faid, Lord, he would
not worship thee, neither would he call upon thy
name : therefore have I driven him out from before my
face into the wilderness . 1
And God faid, Have I borne with him theſe hun
dred and ninety and eight years, and nouriſhed him,
and clothed him , notwithſtanding his rebellion againít
me ; and couldft not thou, who art thyself a finner,
bear with him one night ?
EXHIBITION EXTRAORDINARY !
[From the Courier.] 1
Catalogue ofPictures, Statues, Bufts, Bronzes, &c. To
which are annexed, fome critical Obfervations .
FIRST DAY'S SALE.
Mr. EDMUNDS * , Beaconsfield .

1. A CAPITAL ftained Drawing of Portland Harbour
in a Mift. The obfcurity delineated in the moſt
natural manner. A ftorm apparently arifing in the
back ground.
2. The Conqueft of France-a Vifion. This piece
difcovers a wonderful imagination , though it has been t
ill exccuted, and cannot poffibly be deemed a finifhed
performance,
3. The Devils entering into the Herd of Swine. This
is indeed a fublime picture. The connoiffeur may al
moft imagine he hears the hogs grunt. Thefwinifh
multitude appear quite defperate.
4. The celebrated Dagger Scene. An hyperbolical
fketch.
5. A Penfionerfkulking in the Darkt . The counte
Probably meant for Mr. Burke.

This article appeared fhortly after Mr. Burke had accepted a
penfion.
nance,
EXHIBITION EXTRAORDINARY ! 237
nance, though deep in fhadow, is curiously expreffive
of meannefs and of fhame-the " darkness vifible" is
exquifitely hit off.
Mr. WINDMILL *, Norwich.
6. A Weaver and his Family Starving. A mafterly
production. Diftrefs, mifery, and deſpair, were
never more charmingly pourtrayed-the dead child is
beautiful.
7. The Infide of the Old Bailey, with three felons at
the bar juſt acquitted. The defign bad, and the colours
too glaring.
8. A War Piece. Unfinished . The British troops
are thrown too much in the back ground for effect.
9. A Retreat. The diftreffes of a flying army are
here moft forcibly diſplayed - the canvafs, however, is
too much crowded with the dying and the dead.
10. The Paffions perfonified. Malice and Pride are
too prominent, and Cruelty is out of all rule. There
is no ke ping in this picture .
11. The Wish ; or the Decay of Commerce t . A hafty
drawing, to ferve as a frontifpiece to a new novel
called Tyranny Triumphant. There is no merit in
the idea.
Mr. ROSEWELL †, Old Palace Yard .
12. Midas turning every Thing he touches into Gold. A
rich compofition . In addition to the afs's ears, the
painter has ingenioufly given him tiger's claws, as ap
propriate to his unbounded rapacity.
13. Electioneering Rafcals, or the Briber outwitted.
A humorous drawing in 阿 Indian ink. It is really
ftrange that fuch an ingenious work fhould have been
fuffered to appear before the public ; it is in every re
fpect diſguſting and difgraceful .
* Probably meant for Mr. Windham .

+ An allufion to the famous expreffion of Mr. Windham, " Perish
our commerce, let our conftitution live."
Perhaps meant for Mr. Geo. Rofe.
14.;
RY
TION EXTRAORDINA
238 EXHIBI !
T
14. An Afs in a River drinking up the Moon. A mo 4
ral fketch. This pleafant fable is happily illuftrated .
15. The Angel Ariftocracy. This is a bold fketch
of genius : but why fhould the Angel be covered with
gold, and have the talons of a Demon, and why
fhould he be reprefented as trampling upon, and deſtroy
ing, the poor and unprotected ? Surely it is out of nature.
16. Ignorance, Impudence, and Avarice dancing a
Scotch Reel. An entertaining allegorical group .
17. The Palace of Corruption. A powerful defign,
but the colours are too tranfparent ; they are actually
feen through .
Mr. DUNDONKY *, oppofite the New Church,
Strand.
18. A Chamelion . The fhifting hues ofthe creature
are done in a moft extraordinary manner.
19. Liberty- in water- colours . The figure ſcarcely T
difcernible.
20. The Death of Mr. Habeas Corpus, commonly
called the Poor Man's Friend. The laft agonies of
this refpectable old patriot are truly affecting. The
groups round his bed exprefs neither intereft nor affec
tion for him ; indeed they all feem to be drunk or
afleep. This is, upon the whole, a lamentable pro
duction .
21. The Opening of a Campaign - a Study. All en
veloped in clouds-it alfo wants perspective.
Mr. PITMAN †, Downing Street .
22. Views in Ireland. Surely more confined, incon
gruous maffes were never before exhibited ; there is
want of freedom , and the contour is by no means cor-
rect . The yellow harmony is evidently too predomi
nant, and produces a very bad effect .
23. A Banditti intent on Plunder. There is a dar
ing originality in this picture, which yet difgufts . The
Probably meant for Mr. Dundas.

+ Probably meant for Mr. Pitt.
majority
EXHIBITION EXTRAORDINARY ! 239
majority of the figures exhibit à fet of the blackeſt vil
lains that ever difgraced fociety. The yellow harmony
here alfo deftroys the purity of the whole. The co
lours do not appear as if they would ftand ; they ſeem
to have an evanefcent quality.
24. Scene in Botany Bay. The defign is uncom
monly harth, but the groups of ſuffering patriots are
peculiarly interefting.
25. The Empress of Ruffia finging Te Deum for the
Subjugation of Poland. An excellent idea ; but the
whole picture is too black , and wants relief.
26. The King of Pruffia counting over his Subfidy.
27. The Emperor of Germany ditto his Loan .
28. The King of Sardinia ditto .-The laughter in
the countenances of thefe three great men is admirably
given.
29. An Armed Nation. There is an awful truth in
the expreffion of this picture, that is really terrible.
30. An Alarmed Nation ( as companion to the above) .
Though there is wonderful art in this compofition, -it
can at beft be called but a miferable attempt.
31. An Invafion. A moft terrific fcene. The painter
here feems to have laboured with uncommon ingenuity
to produce the effect.
32. A Famine. A fhocking difplay of mifery and
defpair ; the rending diftreffes of the poor are exqui
fitely finished. N. B. This piece was originally in
tended to have been fent to France, but, owing to the
prefent troubles in that unhappy country, will now
remain in England .
33. Drawings of all the Towns in Holland. N. B.
They are already difpofed of.
34. Salan, the Enemy of the Human Race, in Pande
monium.-A formidable figure, with a horrible coun
tenance. It is fuppofed to be a portrait of the mafter
himfelf. There certainly is a ftrong refemblance.
ODE.
( 240 )
ODE.
THE INSURRECTION OF THE SLAVES AT ST . DOMINGO.
(Written in the Year 1792.)
[From the Courier.]
LOWLY finks the ruddy fun,
Sheathe the blade, the war is done ;
Cried Orrah, to his murderous band,
Who wearied flood on Cuba's ſtrand.
But hark ! what found invades the ear ?
Hark ! Sheathe the blade, no danger's near :
'Tis the gafp of parting breath,
'Tis the hollow voice of death,
'Tis the figh, the groan of thoſe,
Once our tyrants, once our foes.
Loud, loud, ye fiends, fhriek loud ! your cries
Pour loud ! a grateful facrifice
To him, at whoſe beheſt ye bleed,
Who fimil'd propitious on the deed !
And, ye hoar cliffs, that frown around,
The echos of our fhouts refound,
While around the votive fire
We've footh'd the fpirit of our fire.
"T was night, when bound in fervile chains,
We fail'd from Atric's golden plains :
The moon had reach'd its utmoft height,
Its orb difclos'd but half its light ;
Darkling clouds hung o'er the deep,
And the hush'd murmurs feem'd to fleep.
Sudden floating in the skies
A fhadowy cloud appear'd to rife ;
Sudden gliding o'er the flood
The dim - feen fhade before me ftood ;
Through its form the moon's pale beam
Shed a faint, a fickly gleam ;
Thrice its arm I faw it rear,
Thrice my mighty foul did fear.
The ftillness dread a hollow murmur broke ;-------
It was the Genius groan'd ; and, lo ! -it fpoke !
" O, my troubled fpirit fighs
When I hear my people's cries !
Now, the blood which fwells their veins
Flows debas'd by ſervile chains :
Defert
ACCOUNT OF THE ALBIONITES. 242
Defert now my country lies ;

Mofs-grown now my altars rife :
O, my troubled ſpirit fighs
When I hear my people's cries !
Hurry, Orrah, o'er the flood,
Bathe thy tword in Chriſtian blood !
Whidah will thy fide protect ;
Whidah will thy arm direct."
Low'ring frown'd the burden'd cloud,
Shrilly Foar'd the whirlwind loud,
Livid lightnings gleam'd on high,
And big waves billow'd to the fky.
Attonith'd I, in wild affright,
Knew not ' t was vanifl'd from my fight;
Whether on the ftorm it rode,
Or funk beneath the troubled flood.
•
Again ! along the beam-gilt tide,
Ah ! fee again the ſpirit glide !
It joins our triumph ! on the fight
It burts in majesty of light.
Mark! how it bows its wondrous head,
And hails our deed ! Ah! fee- 'tis fled !
Now, now, ye cliffs, that frown around,
The echoes of our ſhouts refound ,
While around the votive fire
We've footh d the fpirit of our fire.
SOME ACCOUNT OF THE ALBIONITES,

A NEWLY DISCOVERED PEOPLE IN THE GERMAN
2 OCEAN.
From the Travels of Launcelot Gulliver, Efq. F. R. S. a valuable ma
nufcript in the British Mufeum. The author, who died lately, de
pofited it there, with a frist injunction that it should not be pub
lifhed entire. By the favour of one of the curators, we have, how
ever, obtained the following extract . There being no date to it, it
is not eaſy to fay at what time it was written, nor whether the
people deſcribed by the author ftill exift, nor whether, which we
think more probable, they were not fwallowed up in that ocean
which nearly furrounded their coafts.
THEHE 'conftitution of the Albionites is a very fin
gular one. It has been generally thought to
have been conftructed upon magical principles ; and
* The God whom the Africans on the Coaft of Guinea worship .
VOL. I. M indeed,
242 ACCOUNT OF THE ALBIONITES ,
indeed, while I remained among them, I had fome

reaſon to think that this was the cafe. If viewed
through one glafs, which they call theory, it appears
ful! of beauty, order, and ſecurity ; but there is another
glafs, called practis, pratique, or fome fuch name,
through which it appears disjointed, diftorted, con
fufed, and tottering. Nor can we wonder at this ;
their mode of repairing it being fo curious, that per
haps there is nothing like it in the world. Their
mode of propping it up, is to take fomething from the
foundation ; and whenever they apply a buttreſs, they
undermine the wall it is meant to fupport. Some of
their ftatefmen who fhewed us this phenomenon , feem
ed to with we ſhould underſtand that it was made by
magic , although we faw nothing in their countenances
to induce us to think that they had a conjuror among
them. It appeared to me, that this conftituation , fup
ported as I have defcribed , is not of long ftanding,
perhaps not more than four or five and thirty years old ;
but how long it may remain firm under fuch a novel
fcheme of architecture, it is impoffible to ſay.
All European governments, it is well known , are
either monarchy, ariftocracy, or democracy, abfolute
or limited, or mixed. That of the Albionites differs
from all thefe, being what they call a Pittarchy ; a
word, of which I never could procure the proper
meaning. Pitt, in their language, means fomething
deep, dark, and dangerous ; but it has fo many other
fignifications, that it is impoffible to guefs at the one
meant. Befides the above, it means an ambitious man,
a fhallow politician , a proud look, an apoftate, a lover
of wine, an encourager offpies, a weak minifter, and a
wry nofe , things which are confeffedly of very oppofite
natures. So that all the pains I took were infufficient
to attain the proper meaning. There are many other
inftances of this in their language, which greatly per
plex ftrangers. The word by which they exprefs
people means alfo fwine, and they have but one word
to
ACCOUNT OF THE ALBIONITES . 243
to expreſs, to petition, to grant, to remonftrate, and to

fqueak. The anfwers to my queftions refpecting Pit
tarchy were ridiculous enough. One faid, " I have a
flice of the loan ; " another, " My brother is promifed
the lottery ;" and a third, " My uncle has a contract :"
Expreffions, which will not bear tranflating, there be
ing no English idioms which correſpond with them .
Notwithstanding the inability of the Albionites to
explain Pittarchy, they are fo remarkably attached to
it, that they never fail to puniſh any man who en
deavours to ſpeak against it . Their punishments are
chiefly calling opprobrious names, burning houſes, or
threatening with the gallows ; nay, if a man were to
go fo far as to fay that it is not perfect, he would un
doubtedly be accufed of an intention to dethrone the
king, murder all the lords and bithops, burn towns
and villages, ravifh virgins, and rip up women with
child. During our ftay in the ifland, therefore, we
found it neceffary to be guarded in our communica
tions with the natives ; yet, in fpite of all precaution ,
my fervant had like to have got into a very ugly fcrape.
The poor fellow had been drinking, and the drink get
ting up into his head, he began to fancy himſelf in a
Chriftian country, and drank Peace on earth and good
will towards men. This created no little confufion , as
they maintained that he was a fpy ; but I had hopes the
worft was over. Next night, however, when he went
to fee a play, fome of his pot companions recogniſed
him, and calling out Boo, dammee, boo (which means
God fave the King) , they turned him neck and heels
out of the houfe. Not that he fared worfe than fome
of themſelves ; for we were told, that a poor clergy
man, who had made a diſcourſe on thefe very words,
was ferved in the fame manner by about twenty or
thirty of the rabble, who had diſguiſed themſelves in
the military uniform for the purpoſe .
But let it not be thought that the blind attachment
of the Albionites to their Pittarchy is fingular. We
M 2 obferved
244 ACCOUNT OF THE ALBIONITES.
obferved them equally enthufiaftic in other matters . A

neighbouring nation, or at leaſt fome of the people of
it, had amufed themfelves for fome time in throwing
loofe papers at fuch ofthe Albionites as they met with,
upon which were written- " Neither God nor devil,"
66
Equality," and fome other ftrange words. The Al
bionites immediately took it into their heads that Pit
tarchy, religion , and property were in danger. They
immediately declared war, fhut up their fhops . one day
for three years, and ate nothing but fifh and foups.
But it fo happened that they were defeated in all their
undertakings, and, from the origin of the war, got the
name of paper skulls. This ftory appeared to me fo
incredible, that I made many inquiries refpecting it ;
and although I found that it was literally true, I could
not get any man to tell me what religion they were
fighting for ; and they expreffed an indignation ap
proaching to abhorrence, when I put fuch queftions
as, " Whether any religion could be fupported by
fighting ? Whether a good religion did not forbid all
wars that were not purely defenfive ? Whether the
Author of the only good religion was not in an eſpecial
manner termed the Prince of Peace, &c . &c. ? "
In England, it is notorious, that in the choice of
perfons to fill the higheft ftations either in the ftate,
the church, or the army, no regard is paid to any re
commendations of intereft . Ability, integrity, and
induſtry are the only qualifications by which a man
can rife in thefe great departments. But the cafe is
the very reverfe with the people whofe history I have
attempted to fketch . Their ftatefinen are the moſt
corrupt, weak, and idle, that can be fuppofed . For
months together the public hear no more of them than
that on ſuch a day they dined together, or on fuch a
day they went on a party of pleafure. Nay, if any
of them, upon entering an office, happen to be pof
feffed of any good qualities, he muft get rid of them as
.
faft as poffible, which is faid to be no difficult matter ;
otherwife
2
ACCOUNT OF THE ALBIONITES . 245
otherwife he is not deemed fit for his place. The

more corrupt a ſtateſman is, that is, the more perſons
he can corrupt, the more popular he is ; and fo very
popular does he become, that he may plunge the na
tion into the most dangerous of all poflible wars, and
reduce the kingdom to the greateft diftrefs, by carry
ing on that war in a manner the most weak and wicked
imaginable, and yet retain his fituation . Very lately,
one of their ſtatefmen, who was appointed to the go
vernment of a particular diftrict, bargained with his
colleagues that he fhould grant the people certain pri
vileges which they thought themfelves entitled to ;
but no fooner did he fhew an inclination to gratify
them , than his colleagues came, and, as their cuftom
is, ftuck his feat full of pins and needles, fo that he was
obliged to leave it. They feldom turn any man out, as is
done in other countries, but they render his feat fo un
eafy, that he cannot fit upon it with fafety ; and fome
times they befmear it fo with filth, that he ' muft leave
it, or be defiled.
The ſame ſyſtem prevails in their appointment in
the church and army. Hence their regiments are
commanded by boys ; but the lieutenants and inferior
officers, it must be confeffed, are men of years, and
might be uſeful, only that it is prefumption in them to
offer their experience. In the church, they ? have a
very curious plan . The man who does the moſt duty,
or buſineſs , rarely has more than from thirty to fifty
quids a year. A quid is a coin nearly equal to our
guinea. He who does fomewhat lefs has an hundred ,
and he who does yet lefs has two or three, and fo on
progreffively till we come to thofe who have thouſands,
and who are not expected to do any duty. Living, as
we are accuſtomed to do , in a land of wife men and
philofophers, we do not grudge the opulence of the
epifcopal order ; but leaving them out of the question,
furely, miferable and contemptible must be the ſtate
of religion in that kingdom where profit is in the in
M 3 verfe
246 CRIM . CON.
verfe ratio of merit and induftry ; and where immenfe

livings are frequently given to the moft notorious
fcoun --- · [ There is part of this leaffo much torn as
to be illegible. ]
BEANBEASCOR
CRIM . CON.
MR. BALDWIN *,
IN moft of the late trials for Crim. Con . alias adul
tery, alias an affair of gallantry, alias a flip, alias a
faux pas, I obferve that the defence fet up is, " that
the hufband expofed his wife to temptation, by not
being fufficiently attentive to her ; or by not guarding
her fufficiently ; or by being abfent from her for a
time, & c." In fome cafes the juries appear to have
liftened to fuch a mode of defence ; in others it has
been rejected .
Now, Mr. Baldwin , what are we married men to
think of all this ? Is the fair fex become fo very frail,
and difficult to keep, that a huſband muft guard his
wife, like a ftate prifoner, allow none of his friends to
fee her, and forbid her the uſe of pen and ink ? Muft
the Spanish fyftem of duennas and padlocks be re
ceived in this country ? Or is my wifejuftified in com -
mitting crim. con . becauſe I frequently invite an officer
of the guards, a colonel, and fome other dangerous
friends, to my table ? Nay, more, cannot I take a
journey into the country, upon the most urgent bufi
nefs, without being accufed of being off my guard ,
and expofing my wife to temptation ?
Really, Sir, thefe are ferious matters. I think a
general meeting of huſbands ought to be called, to
confider what is proper to be done in fuch an alarming
emergency . For my own part, I know not what to
propofe. I am often obliged to go journies of a week,
and fometimes ten days at a time. To the best of my
knowledge and belief, I have hitherto efcaped , but
* Printer of the St. James's Chronicle.

how
CRIM . CON. 247
how long I fhall be able to eſcape, if fuch a mode of

defence is fupported in the courts of law, I know not :
and if my fituation be perilous, what are we to think
of the officers of the land and fea fervice, and of cap
tains of Eaft Indiamen ? With great piety do I repeat
the prayer " for all travellers by fea or land, " who
have handfome wives. There is a neceffity for this
prayer, which I never before was fenfible of ; and
which you may perceive has no connexion with ftorms
and fhipwreck .
In my humble opinion, we pay no very great com
pliment to the ladies, when we fuppofe that they want
to be more clofely watched and guarded after mar
riage than before it. Inftances of crim. con . it is
true, are abominably frequent, but it is a poor defence
to infift that a huſband ought to be his wife's jailer,
and in his abfence employ turnkeys to prevent her
efcape. That which requires fo much watching is
feldom worth the care and trouble of it ; and ſmall,
indeed, is our fecurity, if bolts and bars are all we
have to depend on . I am, Sir, in much trepidation,
Your very much frightened humble Servant,
ANTICORNU.
SIR,
IN fpite of Anticornu's affertion, that he has a firm
reliance on the virtue of his wife, I am convinced
he is fome cuckold , whofe connivance at the levity of
his fpoufe has difappointed him in his expectations of
enormous damages .
According to your correfpondent's doctrine , Cato,
in a modern crim. con . action , would recover heavy
damages against his friend Hortenfius, though Cato
had obligingly lent him his wife. Cuckoldom is fo
lucrative a ftate, that the virtue of the Cenfor could
hardly have withftood the temptation of expofing him
felf in a Court of Justice.
The times, Sir, are much altered fince my dancing
M 4 days.
248 CRIM. CON.
" days. I was then an officer in the guards, and, though
an acknowledged favourite of the ladies, un homme
à bonnès fortunes. I was never infulted with law for my
little gallantries. If a husband conceived himself
aggrieved by his wife's conduct , he reproached her
with it ; and in fuch cafes I always thought it my duty
to run him through the body, or to cane him, accord
ing to the rank he held in fociety : thus the peace of
families was preferved, and the reputation of the lady
fuffered nothing from her intercourfe with a man of
honour. Thefe were indeed the days of chivalry. But
now, as Mr. Burke fays, all the decent drapery
of life is rudely torn off. The man who difcovers the
moft platonic affection between his wife and a gentle
man, repairs to an attorney : Wefiminfter Hall is im
mediately made acquainted with it, and the dear lady
is undone, and her character is blafted for ever. This
is the true levelling fyftem ; a gentleman and a fea
venger are treated with, no diftinction . Amphitryon
behaved in a different manner, 1when Jupiter did him
the honour to fpend an evening at his houfe.
You may fay what you pleafe on the fubjects of li
berty and property, but I never can believe that I am
in a free country, when I am debarred the liberty of a
little innocent chit chat with my friend's wife. My
property, too, cannot be confidered in fafety, when
every cuckold has a claim upon me for the fuppofed
injury I have done him . No , Sir, thefe things are
upon a better footing in France ; and if they are not
better arranged here, a reform in parliament at leaſt,
if not a revolution, will be neceffary. For what man
of fashion will ſtep forward to fupport a conftitution
which reftrains his enjoyments ?
We hear no more of that fiale maxim, that a vir
tuous woman is a treaſure to her huſband . If crim.
con. continues to be fo coftly, I muft abfolutely marry
to recruit my circumftances, and pay the price of my
own offences by the profits of my wife's tranfgreffions.
If
HYMN TO THE CREATOR. 249
If my wife fhould be pretty, fhe will be to me a trea
fure at all ev nts. I may perhaps, through her means,
acquire what my own merits have failed in obtaining
the colonelcy of my regiment.
Your humble Servant,
CLODIUS.
P. S. I find, by a late cafe, that even feduction is
not allowable. Where the tyranny of ' Government
will ſtop, in reftraints upon our natural liberty, it is
difficult to fay.
To the Editor of the Morning Chronicle.

Ω τοῦ κρατίςου παῖ Ποσειδῶνος Θεοῦ
Χαῖρε κ᾿Αφροδίτης.
Αλλοι μὲν ἡ μακρὰν μὰς ἀπέχουσιν Θεοὶ,
Ἢ οὐκ ἔχουσιν ὦτα ,
Ἢ οὐκ εἰσὶν , ἢ οὐ προσέχουσιν ἡμῖν οὐδὲ ἔν,
Σὲ δὲ πασονθ᾽ ὁρῶμεν ,
Οὐ ξύλινον, οὐδὲ λίθινον, ἀλλ᾽ ἀληθινόν
Εὐχόμεσθα δή σοι ,
Πρῶτον μὲν εἰρήνην ποίησον, φίλτατε,
Κύριος γὰρ εἶ ούο
ATHENAEUS, VI. p. 253.D.
SIR,
WE E were difcourfing the other day on the fafhion
once fo prevalent in Rome of deifying thofe be
nefactors of mankind, the Emperors . A perfon in
company obferved, that it was not original, or peculiar
to Rome ; that many inftances of it might be found in
the Greek history ; at the fame time he mentioned
Alexander the Great and Demetrius Poliorceta . The
latter example not being quite , fo well known as the
other, he informed us, that the Athenians , befides
paying other compliments to Demetrius, fang an
hymn to him at his entrance into Athens, from which
this gentleman repeated the verfes above quoted. Be
ing requested by the unlearned part of the company
to explain the verfes, he gave us the following tranfla
tion :
M. 5 « Hail,
250 HYMN TO THE CREATOR.
" Hail, O fon of the most powerful God Neptune,

and of Venus !"
(N. B. Son of Neptune, in poetry, we know, figni
fies a King with a mighty naval power ; and fon ofVenus
denotes that air of grace and dignity mixed, which is
infeparable from royalty. )
For all other gods are either at a great diſtance
from us, or have no ears, or exift not at all, or pay not
the leaſt attention to us : but thee we behold a prefent
Deity, made neither of wood nor of ftone, but a real
God. We therefore pray thee, firft of all, to give
peace in our time, O deareſt ; becauſe thou only fighteft
for us."
Another obferved, that there was fomething in the
general fpirit of this addrefs extremely like a late com- .
pofition that had been much handed about in manu
fcript. The poem was read, of which I fend you a
copy, if it can be of any uſe to your paper. We all
agreed, however, that the author had, with great
judgment, avoided the pacific conclufion of the Greek
verfes, which fhews that the Athenians were forry
cravens, in compariſon with true British Hearts of
Oak . T. STERNHOLD .
-HYMN TO THE CREATOR,
BY A NEW-MADE PEER.
HAIL, gracious Sire ! to thee belong

My morning pray'r, my even fong ;
My heart and foul are thine :
Infpire me, while I chant thy praife,
In zealous, though in feeble lays
And fhew thy pow'rdivine!
Late while I lay a fenfelefs mafs ,
As dull as peafant, ox, or afs,
Unworthy note and name,
Methought thy fiat reach'd mine ear
" Let Mr. SCRUB become a Peer!"
And Scrub a Peer became.
Of
HYMN TO THE CREATOR. 251
Of fuch a change in Nature's laws

What pow'r could be th ' efficient caufe,
Inferior to a God ?
All public virtue, private worth,
Confpicuous talents, fplendid birth,
Attend the Sov'reign's nod *.
I'm now a Member of that Court
That fettles, in the laſt reſort,
The bufinefs of the nation ;
Where, fince I'm kick'd up ſtairs by thee,
I'll clearly prove my pedigree
As old as the creation †…
But not omnipotence alone
Adorns the owner of athrone ;
His attributes pafs counting :
Of juftice, when he hangs poor knaves,
Of mercy, when rich rogues he faves,
He's rightly call'd the fountain.
In part of payment for thy favours,
I tender thee my beſt endeavours, P
If haply thou fhalt need 'em :
Nor fhall I grudge thy fhirt to air,
For all the Bed- room Lords declare
Thyfervice perfectfreedom..
The Devils of old, as Milton fings,
Were angry with the King of Kings,
And thought he ' d reign'd too long ::
Of late the herd of Gallic fwine
Dar'd to deny the right divine
Of Kings , to govern wrong .
" Go," faid the Lord, " my fon, purfuet
This factious diabolic crew,
And on them pour my ire :
In hell, then let them count their gains,
There dwell in adamantine chains,
And roaſt in penalfire !”
* In Latin numen.
+ Clown. You were beſt ſay theſe robes are not gentlemen born. Give
me the lie, do ; and try whether I am not now a gentleman born.
Autolicus. I know you are now, Sir, a gentleman born.
Clown. Ay, and have been to any time theſe four hours.
WINTER'S TALE, Aft V. Sc . II.
M 6 So 3
252 HYMN TO THE CREATOR.
So didst thou fend thy choſen fon,

With word, and bayonet, and gun,
French Atheiſm up to root :
He fought, he beat, the rebels fell ;
He fent their armies all to hell
Or tried at leaft to do ' t.
# Yield never to fuch fiends accurs'd ;
Fight on, and bid them do their worſt ;
And, if thy Commons ſtill
Shall vote thee cafh to fubfidize
Our trufty, firm , fincere allies,
We'll not reject the bill.
Theſe truths when first we rife to ſpeak,
With voice irrefolute and weak,
As is the mode, we utter ;
But, in the progrefs of th' oration,
Inflam'd with lordlike indignation ,
At Jacobins I sputter :
s My Luds, you've heard a noble Lud
Wifely adviſe to ſhed more blood ;
For who that wears a ſtar,
While honour in this Houſe furvives,
Values a rush plebeian lives ?
I therefore vote for war.
What ! leave Religion in the lurch !
No:-fink our.commerce-fave the church ;
Nor fpare men, money, nor fhip ;
Freſh millions after millions fling
For, if we lofe our Church and King,
What will be left to worship ?
" My Luds, the Reverend Peers in lawn
Have laid their precious fouls in pawn
Upon the war's fuccefs ;
Thele wizards know a curious fpell,
Which rightly us'd, will Heaven compel
The British arms to blefs.
Let ev'ryfoulforbear to treat
His hungry maw with drink or meat,
On We'n'fday next till e'en ;
The grumbling of our famifh'd inwards
(So ' t is decreed by holy fynods)
Cures God Almighty's spleen."
But
ROYAL INTERVIEW OF AAMAYOR. -253
But I digress . Whoever wiſhes *
To fhare the treat of loaves and fiſhes,
The Courtier's faith muft cheriſh ;
Which faith, unleſs each mother's child
Keep pure and whole, and undefil'd,
'He fhall moft furely perith !
All epithets of God to thee
Belong in th' infinite degree,
Juft, powerful, good, and wife ;
And what behov'd' me first to ling,
As God's eternal, to the King
Of England never dies.
Then hymn his praife, ye chofen few,
Whom he vouchfates a nearer view
Of his effulgent glory ;
Avaunt, ye Whigs ! nor peace expect,
For none is number'd with th' elect ,
Except an arrant Tory.
This faith, like Vicar erft of Bray,
I'll hold until my dying day,
And perfevere itedfaft in :
And whofo dare gainfay or fcoff
The fmalleft particle thereof,
Be damn'd to everlafting.
ATHANASII SYMBOLUS .
ROYAL INTERVIEW OF A MAYOR .

DU URING the reign of King James II . and when
the people were much oppreffed and burdened
with taxes, that Monarch made a very expenfive tour
through England ; and on his return he flept at the
Palace of Winchefter . The Mayor and Corporation ,
for the honour done them by this royal vifit , deter
mined to addrefs his Majefty in the morning ; but as
the Mayor could neither read nor write, it was agreed
that the Recorder thould prompt him on the occafion .
Accordingly, being introduced into the Royal pre
* Quiqunque vult.
fence,
254 TRIAL OF THE MUTINEERS.
"
fence, and every thing ready for the ceremony, the Re
corder, by way of encouraging the Mayor, who ap RCH
peared awkward and embarraffed, gently jogged his el C
bow, and at the fame time whiſpered in his ear, " Hold
up your head- look like a man." The Mayor, mif
taking this for the beginning of the fpeech, ftared the tr
King boldly in the face, and with a loud voice repeated,
" Hold up your head- look like a man ." The Re
corder, amazed at this behaviour, again whifpered the
Mayor, " What the devil do you mean ?" The
Mayor, in the fame manner, inftantly repeated " What
the devil do vou mean ?" The Recorder, chagrined
at this untoward circunftance, and fearing his Ma
jefty's difpleaſure, ftill whiſpered in the Mayor's ear,
66
By G- d, Sir, you'll ruin us all! " which the Mayor
taking to be a continuance of the fpeech, and ftill
ftaring the King in the face, with a louder voice than
before, repeated, " By G- d, Sir, you'll ruin us all ."
The King, on this, rofe with fome anger ; but being.
informed of the caufe of this rough addrefs, his Ma-
jefty was pleaſed to pafs it by with a finile, and the
Corporation was perfectly fatisfied with the honour
done them ..
TRIAL OF THE MUTINEERS

OF THE PATRICIAN AND ST . STEPHEN'S, LYING AT
PALACE YARD.
[From the True Briton.]:
THE Court Martial was held in the great cabin of.

the Britannia, and confifted of the following
Members :
The fton. Admiral NATIONAL JUSTICE , Prefident ;
Capt. Loyalty, Capt. Courage,
Capt. Patriotifm, Capt. Candour,
Capt. Contcience, Capt. Humanity,
Capt. Religion, Capt. Honour,
Capt. Liberty, Capt. Public Spirit, and
Capt. Order, Capt. Con.mon Senfe.
The
TRIAL OF THE MUTINEERS. 255
The Commiffion having been read by the Judge Ad
vocate (Mr. Sergeant Vigilance) , empowering the
Court to inquire into the conduct of the crews of the
two above-mentioned fhips ;
* Francis B-f- d, fupernumerary feaman inthe Pa
trician, was brought to the bar..
The charges were then read, fetting forth that he,
with others of his own fhip, and part ofthe crew ofthe
St. Stephen's, having laid.afide all regard for the inte
reft and welfare of their King and Country, had long
been endeavouring, wickedly, ambitioufly, and avari
ciouſly, to raiſe a mutinyfor increase of pay; to difinifs
their officers ; forcibly to ufurp the command of their
refpective fhips ; and , in cafe of failure, had refolved
(which it has pleafed God providentially to prevent)
either to carry them into an enemy's port like traitors,
or to blow them up like defperadoes.
The priſoner pleaded Not Guilty. Captain Lough
borough, commander of the Patrician, was called as
firſt witneſs for the proſecution .
2. Do you know the prifoner ?-A. Yes.
2. Relate to the court what you know of his con
duct.-A. I believe he has been corrupted by others.
When he firſt came on board, I obferved him frequently
on the larboard fide of the ſhip, where a few who al
ways oppofed their officers, were accuſtomed to hold
* their meetings. Being then only a feaman, and not
fufpecting they had any improper defign, I ufed fome
times to attend them myſelf. They faw he was vain of
his talents, and fond of money, and accordingly flat
tered him, and told him what a capital fpeechifier he
would make, and how easily he might get an increaſe
ofpay for them all, by raising the crew against their of
ficers, till they got the thoughtless lad to put himself at
their head.
2. Was he chofen a delegate ? —A. Yes ; he went
* Probably meant for the Duke of Bedford.

frequently
256 TRIAL OF THE 'MUTINEERS .
frequently, as a delegate, on board the Crown and An

chor, Captain Whig, where he fat more than once as
prefident, and had his toafts and ſpeeches printed .
2. Were you on board the Patrician, May the '3d'?
-A. Yes.
2. Was the prifoner particularly active ? -A. Yes.
When the mutiny at Portsmouth was firft whifpered
aboard our fhip, fome of the officers, who faw that he
was going to mount the quarter- deck and fpeak, ad
vifed him for God's fake to fay nothing about it ; bút
he fwore by G- d he would ſpeak, and not mifs fo'glo
rious an opportunity to get their heels tript up ; adding,
that he would confider the mutiny at Fortimouth as no
misfortune, and the navy might go to the devil, pro
vided he could make it the means of getting them
turned about their buſineſs, and himſelf and his friends
appointed to command in their ſtead .
2 How long did he continue this violent language ?
-A. Why, when he faw that almoft the whole fhip's
company difapproved of his conduct, and read in the
newſpapers that the nation, to a man, condemned it,
he began to lower his tone, and to ſay that no one was
a better friend to good difcipline, and the defence of his
country, than he ; that, for his part, he hadfound him
Self compelled to ſpeak as he did, but that he could now
bear a hand and affift the officers with all his heart.
Cross-examined by the Prifoner.

2. Does the witnefs believe I would have carried
the hip into an enemy's port ? -A. He never directly
faid he would ; nor, ifit were directly propofed to him,
do I believe he would agree ; but he futlers himself to
be led by thofe who certainly would : and, in his blind
purfuit of pay and power, he has neither underſtanding
nor coolnefs to perceive the confequences of their con
duct, and therefore he would be within the mouth of
Brett harbour before he faw his error, or attempted to
put the fhip about.
2. (By
TRIAL OF THE MUTINEERS. 257
2. (By the Court) -What fhould have made the
prifoner fo cager for increafe of pay ? Is he ftraitened,
or his family large ?-A. He has no family, and is the
richeft feaman in the fleet. `
2. How did he get his wealth ? -A. From his fore
fathers, who, before the difcipline of the navy was
fixed, by a juttifiable refiftance to improper orders, pro
cured the prefent excellent regulations to be eſtabliſhed .
2. Do you think a wifh to imitate them was his
motive ?-A. I have no doubt his flatterers made ufe
of this argument, and he is filly enough not to, fee that
his forefathers, if they lived now, would act a part di
rectly the reverfe of his , and bleed again to preferve that
admirable difcipline which they purchafed with their
blood, and which he is wantonly and blindly endea
vouring to deftroy. (Witnefs removed. )
Lieutenants Grenville and Portland, and Charles
Liverpool, able feamen of the Patrician, confirmed the
evidence ofthe Captain .
The prifoner, being told he might proceed with his
defence, addreffed the Court, affuring them that, through
the whole, he had been actuated by nothing but re
gard for the fervice and for his country, as he hoped to
make appear.
He then called James L- d- le * , a feaman lately
difmiffed from the Patrician, for mifbehaviour. This
witnefs gave the prifoner a moft extravagantly high
character ; and concluded by faying, he believed the
fleet would never profper till he was placed at the head
of it.
Cross-examined by the Court.
2. In what fhips have you ferved ? —A. I was fome

time in the St. Stephen's, and afterwards turned over to
the Patrician.
S
2. For what crime were you difmiffed ? —A. Pleaſe
your honours, it was all a iniſtake. I one day went
* Probably meant for Lord Lauderdale.

aboard
258 TRIAL OF THE MUTINEERS.
1
aboard the enemy's fhip Convention, to dine with Cap
tain Briffot, who was my particular friend, and the
fhip's company gave out that I wanted to defert, and fo
had me difmiffed.
2. What did you plead in your defence ? —A. I told
them my friend Captain Briffot was not only the ableft
feaman, but the moft virtuous man in the world , and
that, if I had been able to borrow a few of his regula
tions, and his book of fignals, it would have been of
the greatest advantage to our fervice ; but they found
out that he had one bad habit, which they happened
to difcover, of which, however, he was cured.
2. What was that ?-A. Beheading his fuperior
officers.
2. How was he cured ? -A. By being beheaded
himself.
2. Have you never tried to get employment again ?
A. I wanted to be employed in my old thip Patrician,
by getting the birth of a man whom I laid hold of as
he was going up the fhip's fide ; but he being ftronger,
pushed me overboard : and I lately endeavoured to be
appointed hangman to the London, but the crew hiffed
and huftled me out at the quarter gallery. In fhort,
my defire for employment is fo ftrong, that if your
honours would recommend me, I would accept of the
loweft ftation, even that of powder- monkey to a fire
fhip, for which I think myfelf particularly qualified .
The petulant manner of this witnefs fecmed to make
his evidence have little weight with the Court.
The prifoner having examined feveral men from the
St. Stephen's, as to his general character, and an old
woman, Nancy M-y-d, who faid the always confi
dered him as a man at bottom, finished his defence, and
was removed.
In a fhort time, he was brought again to the bar,
and the Prefident addreffed him thus :
Prefident. " The Court having confidered the evi
dence with the utmoſt impartiality, unanimouſly find you
guilty
POLITICAL DICTIONARY . 259
guilty of all the charges , and hereby adjudge you dif
qualified
22 to ferve his Majefty in any capacity whatfo
ever.'
The prifoner cried much on receiving fentence ; but
we are forry to add, that immediately on being dif
miffed froni the bar, he joined fome of his old affociates,
andfoon grew as clamorous as before againft his officers,
and as defirous to embarrafs and disturb them in the
exercife of their duty.
The Court rofe, having agreed to try the mutineers
of the St. Stephen's next day.
Francis B-f-d is a tall good-looking man, and
would have much the appearance of a gentleman, ifhe
did not wear his hair cropt, and without powder.
POLITICAL DICTIONARY.
ING and Conflitution.--The prefent heaven-born
Adminiftration , their friends and families.
Difaffection to the King.-Whatever points out the
grievances of the People, and endeavours to remove a
weak or wicked Minifter.
A Sower of Sedition.-A man who digs potatoes * .
The Licentioufnefs of the Prefs .-Its truth .
Prudence and Economy.-An increaſe of taxes, to la
viſh the treaſure upon favourites .
Subverfion of the Conftitution . - Petitions for Reform.
Laws agreeable to the Conflitution.-Acts to deprive
us of the gift of ſpeech .
The Senje of the Kingdom. -The voice of the Mi
nifter.
-
Religion . A bloody war, carried on in contempt of
the fpirit of Christianity .
In an Irish proclamation, it was ftated, that the populace of cer

tain parts of the country had been guilty of fedition, by digging pota
toes, & c. They had affembled in great numbers to dig the potatoes of
perfons confined on fufpicion of treafon.
Rewards
260 POLITICAL DICTIONARY ,
Rewards of Merit.-Places and penfions to apoftate

Whigs .
Regardfor the Dignity of the Crown . - Support of
Mr. Pitt.
An Enemy to his Country. -A perfon folicitous to
fave it from deſtruction .
Humanity.-A manufacture of widows and orphans,
inftituted Jan. 1793, and ftill flourishing.
National Debt. Indemnity for the paſt and fecurity
for the future .
A true Englishman .-A man without eyes and ears.
Negotiation for Peace. A method of raifing a loan.
Regard for the Poor . - Clothing our foldiers in flan
nel.
"
*"
High Confideration .C Kifs my
An abie Negotiator.-One who does nothing, and
who has nothing to do .
Full Power. That of difpatching couriers t.
Abules.- The most valuable part of a conflitution ,
and which every good fubject is bound to defend by
his life.
Parliamentary Reform . - In Scotland , a ſhort paffage
to Botany Bay.
·Flourishing State :-A ftate of unparalleled degrada
tion and difgrace .
Inexhaustible Refources.-Raifing money at 12 per
cent.
A Friend to the French. - A perfon who wished to
make peace with advantage and honour.
Spirit of the Laws. -Any conftruction that a lawyer
may give them .
Starvation. A curious experiment, which, after be
ing tried in America and France, has fucceeded tolerably
well at home.
* The bitter and infulting notes that paffed between Charles de

Lacroix and Lord Maimbury, always ended with " High Confideration."
In allufion to Lord Malmbury fending couriers to his court,
before he anſwered any propofition of the French negotiators.
Barracks.
ORGIES OF BACCHUS . 261
Barracks . Symptoms of loyalty.

Social Oder -Abfolute monarchy, and a military
government .
Corruption .- Reaſoning.
Convincing Arguments. -Any fum from 500l. to
5000l. a year.
ORGIES OF BACCHUS.
PART I.
SIR,
I(LEARN
G
from your paper, that an expreffion in
Mr. Frend's . pamphlet, " The orgies of Bacchus ,"
has been much bandied about. As I apprehend that
many of your readers may be in as great doubt as I was,
concerning thefe fame orgies ofBacchus, I hope the fol
lowing brief ketch will not diſpleaſe them. In draw
ing up this account, I have had recourfe to my two
excellent friends, the Rev. Thomas Kipling, would
be Profeffor of Divinity to his Majefty, and Thomas
Taylor, felf- created Polytheist of Great Britain. Theſe
two amazing men, quos longe fequor et veftigia femper
adoro, have kindly condefcended to chalk out the plan
of the following differtation, and to furnish me with
feveral valuable hints for its conduct. Let me here'
indulge myfelf in giving a fhort character of thefe two
worthies.-The one, by the mere force of genius,
without the flightest tincture of learning, has founded
all the depths andfhoals of Chriftian theology ; the other,
without ftaying to learn even the inflexions of Greek
words, has plunged to the very bottom of Pagan phi
lofophy, taught by the heavenly mufe to venture down the
dark defcent, and up to reafcend, though, hard and rare.
But to bufinefs .
There are fome rumours, indeed, of Bacchus being
an Egyptian, but I fhall lay no ftrefs upon them..
What gave rife to thefe rumours , is probably the fact
which Apollodorus relates, that he fojourned fome time
in
262 ORGIES OF BACCHUS.
in Egypt. The common opinion is, that he was the

fon of Jupiter, king of gods and men, by Semele, a
mortal female of Thebes. This fyftem , while it was
defended by his difciples and followers, was denied or
ridiculed by the profane. In this latter number were
fome of his own family, who afferted, that Bacchus
was no more a child of Jupiter than themfelves ; but
that " Semele (a) , having been too well acquainted
with ſome mortal man , dignified her difgrace by calling
Jupiter the father of the child ." Of this injury Bac
chus complains in very pathetic terms, and threatens
to make them fmart for their incredulity. " For (b)
which reafon," fays he, " I have put on a mortal
appearance, and have changed my form into the na
ture of a man," or, as he expreffes it elſewhere, " I
have changed myſelf to an human forni from a god . ”
Among the obftinate unbelievers were Alcithoë and
her fifters, who denied that Bacchus was the ſon of
Jupiter, and had the impudence to work, after the
prieſt had given orders for a general holyday (c) . Ovid
is rather too luxuriant in his defcription for an hifto
rian ; fo he tells us, in his allegorical ftyle, that theſe
unfortunate filters were changed into bats ; other au
thors fay, into owls and bats (fee Antonius Liberalis,
in his tenth ftory) ; but take either account, the mean
ing is equally clear. Theſe poor girls, for daring to
fpeak their minds, were fo perfecuted by the drunken
nob, who called themfelves Bacchanalians , that they
(α ) Διόνυσον ούκ ἔφασκον ἐκφῦμαιΔιός,

Σεμέλην δὲ συμφευθεῖσαν ἐκ θνηλου τινος,
Εἰς Ζῆν ἀναφέρειν τὴν ἁμαρίαν λέχες Eurip. Bacch. 26.
(6 ) Ων' οὕς κ᾽εἶδος θνητὸν ἀλλάξας ἔχω , Bacch. 53.
Μορφὴν τ ἐμὴν μετέβαλον εἰς ἀνδρός φύσινο
Μορφὴν ἀμείψας ἐκ θεοῦ βρολησίαν. Bacch. 4.
(c) At nou 'eitnice Munycias orgia cenfet
Accipienda Dei ; fed adhuc temeraria Bacchum
4 Progeniem negat effe Jovis- --
feftum celebrare facerdos-—
Jufferat Ovid. Metamorph . IV. init.
were
ORGIES OF BACCHUS. 263
were fain to fhun the haunts of men , and hide them
felves from the light, in holes and corners. But nei
ther did this ftop the mouths of the fcoffers . Pen
theus derided the claims of this new god, and denied
the divinity of his coufin. You may eafily guefs the
fate of fuch an unbeliever ; for the fect of Bacchana
lians, while they were weak, were perfecuted, and,
when they grew ftrong, perfecuted others ; which is
perfectly natural. . Indeed Tirefias, the wizard (who,
by the by, was as blind as a beetle ) , foretold as much
to the young man . " Unlefs," ( d) quoth he, " you
honour this Bacchus with temples, your mangled limbs
fhall be ſcattered in a thouſand places, and your mother
and aunts fhall be ftained with your blood." Grand
fire Cadmus, too , gave found advice to the headstrong
young man ; but he was refolute, and would not be
ruled. It will do your heart good to hear the old gen
tleman's arguments in behalf of occafional conformity.
" Suppofing," (e) fays he, that this perfon is not a
god, as you fay that he is not, let him pafs for one with
you, and tell a fplendid lie, that he is ; partly for
Semele's credit, that fhe may have the reputation of
being brought to bed of a god ; partly for ours, that
honour may redound to the whole clan ." But all theſe
reafonings were thrown away upon Pentheus . Wher
ever the fpirit of enthufiafm takes poffeffion of the
human mind, it extinguithes all fentiments of mercy,
and all the charities of relationship . Pentheus was
torn in pieces (according to the prophecy of Tirefias,
which probably was the caufe of its own completion)
by a gang of female devotees, and his mother and her
(d) Quem nifi templorum fueris dignatus honore,

Mille lacer fpargere locis ; et fanguine firvas
Foedabis, matremq; tuam, marifque forores.
Ovid. Met. III. 521.
(ι ) Κεἰ μὴ γις ἐςὶν ὁ θεὸς οὗτος, ὡς σὺ φής,
Παρὰ σοι λεγέσθω καὶ καταψεύδε καλῶς,
Ως έξι Σεμέλη θ' ἵνα δοκῆ διὸν τεκεῖν,
Ἡμῖν τε τιμή, παντὶ τῷ γένει προγῇ . Eurip. Bacch . 333.
fifters
264 ORGIES OF BACCHUS .
fifters were in at the death . It is ſcarcely worth while

to obferve, that Bacchus recommended to his fol
lowers to take now and then a fup of the juice of the
grape .
In the mean time the worſhip of Bacchus throve
mightily. The frifks and gambols of his votaries were
called orgies ; which fignifies, that paffion had a greater
fhare in them than reafon ; and myfteries, that is to
fay, fecrets, which could only be underſtood by the
initiated. From Greece theſe myfteries paffed to .
Rome, concerning which hear Dr. Taylor (f) .—
" The Bacchanalian myfteries, a fcheme of Greek ex
traction , had lately made their way into Rome. The
main ingredient in them , in order to practiſe upon the
weakneſs and curiofity ofthe vulgar, was the poffeffion
of a fecret, communicable to none but the initiated.
They were gilded over with profeffions of a religious
worship, to fupport their credit, and in a fhort time..
became the fashion ; and that perhaps prevailed over
every other confideration befide," &c. &c.. Livy (g),
whom Dr. Taylor quotes on this occafion, tells us,
that very fevere laws were made by the Romans againſt
thofe who frequented the orgies of Bacchus.
Pafs we now to a grand, a leading, I may fay a ne
ceffary feature in the character of Bacchus- his defcent
into hell. For, as John Beaumont obferves, in his
Gleanings of Antiquities (h) , " no great man occurs in
the poets, but he fometimes defcended into hell ." Now
all your authors are unanimous that Bacchus defcended
into hell. The mere defcent, to be fure, is a trifle.
" Eafy," fays Virgil ( i) , " is the defcent of Aver
num ; all nights and days is the portal of gloomy Dis
open ; but to return and view the cheerful fkies, in this
(f) Elements of Civil Law, p. 549, ed. 3 .

(g) XXXIX . 13.
h) Jortin's Tracts, vol. ii. p. 506.`•
(i) Æneid. VI. 126. -
the
.the taſk and mighty labour lies. A few, for whom Ju

piter has fhewn a diftinguiſhed affection, or whom
glowing virtue has exalted to heaven; a few, born of
""
the gods, have enjoyed this privilege.'
Ariftophanes, in his Frogs, gives a particular account
of the circumftances of Bacchus's defcent ; which, I
must confefs, is rather comical . Bacchus difguifes him
felf like Hercules, and is by the inhabitants of the in
fernal regions taken for Hercules. Perhaps Virgil's
mufe (k) faw Bacchus in this drefs, and miftook him
for that hero ; and indeed there is a confiderable like
nefs between Bacchus and Hercules. Hercules was
begotten by Jupiter, upon the wife of a mortal man,
Amphitryon, to wit. Only obferve how exactly the
defcription correfponds.. " At thy approach the Stygian
lakes and the porter trembled." Now that you'men
tion Amphitryon, it is curious to fee into what a paf
fion the poor man put himſelf, upon learning that fome
ftranger had made his wife a mother, till he was in
formed that the ſtranger was Jupiter. 3 The whole mat
ter is related by that accurate historian, Plautus . See
particularly Act IV. Sc . I. Horace tranfiently men
tions this expedition of Bacchus ; but he only fays,
that Cerberus behaved very gently, and crouched to
him with the most abject fubmiflion . Apollodorus
informs us, that men, finding Bacchus to be a god,
worshipped him . His fame penetrated even into
India; and pillars have been found there which re
cord his exploits. Apollodorus adds ( 7 ) , that, when
he vifited hell, he reſcued his mother, and carried her
up to heaven.
Here, Sir, I finiſh my fcrap of mythology. In thefe
ticklish times, when to look or think awry is an un
pardonable crime, which can be expiated only by fine,
(k) Eneid. VIII. 296. Te Stygii tremuere lacus, te janitor Orci,

(1 ) ‘ Ο δέ, ἀναγαγὼν ἐξ ἄξου τὴν μητέρα μετ' αὐτῆς εἰς οὐρανὸν ἀνῆλθεν
Apollodor. III. 5. 3 .
VOL. I. N banishment,
baniſhment, or durance, we are not yet, I truſt, pro

hibited from the difcuffion of philological queftions.
Talk of religion, it is odds but you have infidel , blaſ
phemer, atheist, or fchifmatic, thundered in your ears ;
touch upon your politics, you will be in luck if you
are only charged with a tendency to } treafon. To wish
that things may be better, is to affert, by innuendo, that
they are bad ; and whoever dares to difapprove } of the
preſent war, is a devifer offedition, and ought to have
his right hand firuck off, purſuant 19 an Aɛt of Parlia
sment made in the reign of Edward I. a ftatute which is
not yet repealed (m) . Nor is the innocence of your
intention, any fafeguard. It is not the publication that
thews the character of the author, but the character of
the author that fhews the tendency of the publication. I
have therefore endeavoured to fteer clear of all theſe
rocks. I have fent you a fimple recital of an ancient
A
fable, and if it be received with approbation, fhall
perhaps from time to time tranfmit fimilar communi
cations. If my paper is dull, it is at the fame time per
fectly harmleſs ; if it is not recommended by the ele
gancies of compofition , it is at leaft free from the cons
tagion of pernicious opinions ; and though it may fail
of conveying amuſement or inftruction, it cannot pof
fibly give offence or feandal.
MYTHOLOGUS,
ORGIES OF BACCHUS.
PART II.
SIN,
PERHAPS you may remember, or perhaps you may
have forgotten, that feme time ago I fent you a
fhort account of the Orgics of Bacchus. I chofe this
furbject for two reafons ; first, becauſe it had of late
been frequently mentioned ; fecondly, becauſe I thought
(m) An infamous paragraph to this purpoſe lately appeared in one

the public papers.
it
it totally unconnected with any public queſtion, relis
gious or political. But I begin now to perceive, that I
reckoned without my hoft. 1 The principle Nofcitur a
focio has been applied to my innocent lucubration with
a vengeance. Though I knew that the Morning
Chronicle was by many reputed a feditious, jacobini
cal paper, I never dreamed that this character pervaded
the whole of the work, but that it affected fuch parts
only as might feem to animadvert on the fuppofed
defects and abuſes of the conftitution. Suppofed, I re
peat ; for I believe there are no real defects or abuſes.
I and Mr. Dymock defy to equal combat all malcon
tents who find flaws in the British government and
the British King's title. Yet all this availeth me nothing,
fo long as I have fent an article to that factious Jour
nal, the Morning Chronicle. Who can touch pitch, and
not be defiled? Accordingly, the defenders of liberty
and property (of their own, I mean ) took the alarm .
Mr. Chairman Reeves found out that the differtation
aforefaid did; by dangerous infinuations, hint doubts
concerning the Prince of Wales's hereditary right to
the Crown, and even glanced here and there at CÆSAR
| himself. Is not this a brave fellow to fee through a
mill-ftone ? If theſe charges could be made good by
evidence, I dare fay, this champion of the beſt poffi❤
ble fyftem of government would fhower down his ten
der mercies plentifully upon the offender's head. But
my Lord Chief Juftice of Newfoundland's reafon
ing isfo humorous and diverting, that I fhall give you
a tafte of it for your entertainment. I had obferved
from the legend, that " Bacchus was the fon of Ju
y
piter, king of gods and men." -" Here," fays this
S able expounder, " Jupiter plainly fignifies his moft
gracious Majefty George the Third, (whom God long
it preferve ! ) For mark the next words King of
" gods and men. "--Can any good fubject doubt, that by
Le ' King of gods and men,' this rafcal means, The Su
preme in Church and State, the legal title of the Kings
N2 of
*
of England ? But as if this were not enough, the li
.
beller proceeds , and adds, by a mortal female."
Here he drops the mafk, and difclofes jacobinical
fentiments in all their virulence . Here that horrid and
diabolical pofition ftares you full in the face, with all
its native uglineſs, That a Queen, Heaven's blefs us ! is
no more than a woman— A MORTAL FEMALE *. Here is
no need ofinnuendoes, implications, parallels, conftruc
tions, double meanings, &c. engines which we lawyers
are fometimes obliged, in default of evidence, to em
ploy for the public good . Here is treafon in terms.
Oho ! Mr. Mythologus, you must not think of inſult
ing with impunity whatever is great and venerable.
But hear the libeller again : When he vifited hell,
⚫hereſcued his mother, and carried her up with him to
heaven,' i . e. during our amiable Sovereign's malady,
the Prince of Wales and the Queen were affociated in
the Regency." But I dare fay you have had enough
of this learned Judge in his comments. Let me now
proceed in my defence.
There are fo many authors who have written con
cerning Bacchus ( and they differ fo widely with re
fpect to his birth, parentage, education, and the cir
cumſtances of his life in general ) , that if I had engaged
to repeat every thing that has been faid ofhim, I must
have written a large book inftead of a fhort letter. I
endeavoured to avoid prolixity, and was therefore con
tent with felecting fome few of the most important
particulars. If, # then, any other perfon, more faga
cious or malignant than ufual, ſhould be able to ſqueeze
a dangerous meaning out of my First Part, he will be
utterly foiled, * if he tries to wreft the additional cir
cumftances to his purpofe. I hope that you will in
fert this fupplement as foon as you can , fince Bishop
Horfley, I am told, declares, that the First Part is an
On this fcheme of things, a king is but a man ; a queen is but

a woman.".G -Burke's Reflections, p. 114.
infamous
infamous attack on the doctrine and difcipline of the
church of England . 4.82 #
1. I omitted to obferve (for I was unwilling to be
perfonal) , that the main objection of the governing
powers to the Orgiafts of Bacchus, was, that their
meetings were by night . From this they argued, that
they were devoted to drunkennefs and debauchery,
The votaries of Bacchus, it is true, denied this charge
with great vehemence, though they confeffed the fact
of the nightly meetings . ( a) Of what fort are your
orgies ?" afks Pentheus, " and in what manner are
they performed ?"? " They are not to be divulged to
the uninitiated," anfwers the Bacchant. " Are they
performed by day or night ?" interrogates Pentheus .
4.6
By night, for the most part," replies the other ;
" much folemnity in your night and darkneſs."
" This," fays Pentheus, is deceitful and fufpicious
with regard to the women. This peculiarity it was.
that gave fuch an edge to the perfecution . The Ro
mans too were in equal dread of nocturnal affemblies ,
when they prohibited the orgies of Bacchus, and were
actuated with the fame apprehenfions of debauchery
and fedition , as we learn from Livy, before quoted.
For my part, I never believe, above half what thei
world fays. But it does appear that thefe promifcuous
nightly meetings, had excited fome fcandal even among
thoſe who were hearty well- withers to the caufe.
2. A band of the giants rebelled againſt Jupiter,.
intending to expel him from his throne.
-Them th' Almighty Power
Hurl'd headlong flaining from th' ethereal ſky,.. ‫ ان‬..
With hideous ruin and combuftion, down
To bottom'efs perdition .
In this tafk he was affifted by feveral other deities ; but
(α ) Π . Τὰ δ᾽ ὄργῖἐςὶ τίν ' ἰδέαν ἔχοντά σοι;

Δ. Α ρητ ἀβαχκεύλοισιν ειδέναι βροτῶν.---Euripid. Bacch . 471
Π. Τὰ δ᾽ ἱερὰ νύκλως ἢ μεθ ' ἡμέραν τελεῖς ;
Δ . Νύκλως τὰ πολλὰ , σεμνότητ᾽ ἔχει σχόλος ,
Π. Τοῦτ᾽ εἰς γυναῖκας δόλιόν εςι καὶ σαθρόν
N 3. hig:
270 ORGIES OF BACCHÚS,、
his two principal auxiliaries (b) were his fon Bacchus,

and his daughter Minerva, or the goddeſs of Wiſdom.
I may perhaps forget, if I do not mention it now, the
manner ofMinerva's birth . She came forth full armed
from the head of Jupiter, and was always fuppoſed to
be his best beloved daughter. I fhall preſently have
occafion to apply this hiftory.
3. 1 omitted to obferve, that ſeveral accounts (€)
make Bacchus the fon of Jupiter and Proferpine . This 1
Proferpine was doubtless an extraordinary perfonage.
For though the was not only married, but alfo had Ju
piter for a gallant, fhe enjoyed the title of KOPH , or
Virgin, given her by way of eminence. For instance,
Arrian (d), in his Expedition of Alexander, informs
us, that the Athenians worship a Bacchus, the fon of
Jupiter and the Virgin.
4. Perhaps you may think this title fomewhat ftrange,
and to us indeed it may have an odd appearance ; but
meditate a while on what Callimachus fays (e)—". If
thou knoweft God, know alfo that every thing is pof
fible to the Deity." Left, therefore, you ſhould flare,
I thought fit to prepare you with the account of Ju
piter's breeding Minerva. But Juno's cafe is ſtill more
in point. She was fo enraged at this Lucina fine Venere,
that in revenge the brought forth Mars, without vio
lating her chastity (f). -- If Jupiter," fays fhe, is
become a father, neglecting the ufe of a wife, and
( 6) Γίγαντας — οὓς ὕς ἐρον ὑπὸ Διὸς ἀναιρεθῆναι, συναγωνιζομένης 'Αθηνᾶς

nai Aιovúcov melà tür äλλær Bewy. Diodor. Sicul. II. 69. Horace alfo
bears teftimony to the prowefs of Bacchus on this occafion, Carm. II,
19, 21.
(e) Diodor. Sicul. III. 64.
fd ) Καθάπες και Αθηναῖοι Διόνυσον τὸν Διὸς καὶ ΚΟΡΗΣ σέβουσιν
Arrian. Exp. Alex. II . 16. ,
(e) · εἶ θεὸν οἶσθα ,
"Io0'ôrı xai píža, daiμovı mãr duvalós.-Callimach. Fragm. 157. .
Si pater eft factus , neglecto conjugis ufu,
Jupiter ; et nomen folus urumque tenet ;
Cur ego defperem fieri fine conjuge mater,
Et parere intacto, dummodo carta, viro ?—Ovid. Faft. V. 239.
claims
claims to himſelf the name of each parent, why ſhould

I defpair to become a mother without an, huſband, and
to have a child while I remain chaſte and unaided by a ……..
male ?" And for what relates to Proferpine's remain
ing a virgin after her delivery, recollect what Paufa
nias (g) tells us of a fountain in Nauplia called Cana
thus, in which Juno, by bathing once a year, renews
her virginity. Laftly, all the world knows that Mi
nerva preferved perpetual virginity, and yet Domitian,
the beft of princes in his day, was her fon. At least he
told the people fo himfelf, and he faid he cared not
who knew it. The fact, indeed, was fo generally
acknowledged (h), that the mayor of Tarentum was
imprisoned for not inferting a claufe to that effect in
the public prayers ..
5. Afterall, you may perhaps doubt the truth of this
ftory, which makes Bacchus the fon of Proferpine.
Doubt, if you pleafe. How can I help it ? I am a
plain fimple hiftorian. It is my bufinefs to fet down
facts as I find them. I tell you my tale and my tale's
author. Ifit be a lie, you have it as cheap as I. Pau
fanias,. I confefs , with a crowd of other writers, makes
Semele or Thyone the mother of Bucchus. And here
I must allow that the fecond part of the parallel, which
the learned Judge Reeves has drawn, is not without a
face of probability, as it now ftands. I mean what
Apollodorus relates " of Bacchus reſcuing his mother
out of hell, and carrying her up into heaven." I beg
leave, therefore, to correct myſelf by the following.
addition: Apollodorus is contradicted by Paufanias (i),
(g ) Καὶ λιμένες εἰσιν ἐν Ναυπλία καὶ πηγὴ Κάναθὸς καλουμένη . ἐνταῦθα

τὴν Ηραν φασὶν Ἀργεῖοι κατὰ ἔτος λουμένην παρθένον γίνεσθαι.
Paufan. II. 38, p 201.
(h) ‘Ετέρου δ᾽αὖ φήσαντος γραφήν φεύγειν , ἐπειδὴ θύων ἐν Τάρκο, οὗ ἦρχε,
μὴ προσέθηκε ταῖς δημοσίαις εὐχαῖς, ὅτι Δομετιανός ᾿Αθηνᾶς εἴη παῖς .
Panoftrat. Vit. Apollon. Tyan. VII. 24. p. 304.
(i ) Και φασιν ἐξ ᾅδου Σεμέλην ὑπὸ Διονύσου κομιαθαι ταύτηἐγὼ δὲ
Σεμέλην μὲν οὐδὲ ἀποθανεῖν ἀρχὴν πείθομαι , Διός γε οὖσαν.
Paufan. H. 31. p 183.
№4 whoſe .
whoſe words are thefe : " Here they fay that Semele
was carried out of hell by Bacchus ; but I believe tha
Semele never died at all, being, as fhe is, the wife
Jupiter." And now may I prefume to hope that
have rendered the paffage quite unexceptionable ?
- 6. Some parents made ufe of theſe orgies of Bacchus
as a convenient argument to bar young people (parti
cularly daughters) from wedlock ; by pretending tha
their children had already devoted themſelves and thei .
virginity to Bacchus. Thus Amata (k), in Virgil, tc.
prevent her daughter Lavinia's nuptials with Eneas,
declares that the girl had fworn allegiance to the God ,
and nouriſhed her hair to be confecrated to him.
7. But if Bacchus had done nothing elſe, it is enough
to immortalize his naine, that he invented that cover
ing for the head, called the mitre, from which mitre,
fays Diodorus Siculus (1), kings afterwards took their
diadem. An hymn or epigram on Bacchus (m ), calls
him, among other epithets, xeugeoμilgns, or Lord of the
Golden Mitre, which feems to contain fome myftical
meaning ; but this point I leave to the more learned
in allegory .
8. Bacchus wrought, wherever he went, a great
number of wonders. It would be tedious to recount
them all ; I ſhall only mention two or three of the
most notable. The moft characteristic was certainly
his furniſhing his companions with a marvellous ſupply
( Quin etiam in filvas, ftimulato numine Bacchi,

Majus adorta nefas, majoremque orfa furorem ,.
Evolat, et natam frondofis montibus abdit,
Quo thalamum eripiat Teucris, tædafque moretur :
Evæ Bacche fremens ; folum te Virgine dignum
Vociferans ; etenim molles tibi fumere thyrfos,
Te luftrare choro, facrum tibi pafcere crinem
Virgil. Æn. VII. 385.
( 1) Διαδεδέσθαι λέγουσιν αὐτὸν μίτρα τὴν κεφαλή , άφ' ἧς αιτίας κα
μερηφόρον ονομάζεσθαι , ἀπὸ δὲ Ταυτης τῆς μίτρας ὕφερον παρὰ τοῖςβασιλεῦσ
καταδειχθῆναι τὸ διάδημα φασι .
(m) Antholog. Lib. I. cap. 38. epigr. 11.
of
of wine and other good things (n). Our old friend
Paufanias here again helps me out (o) : " The Andrians
fay, that at their annual feaft of Bacchus, wine flows .
fpontaneous from the temple." In general, you may
obferve, that whenever any eminent perfon becomes
famous for a wonder-worker, his fucceffors will always
claim to themſelves the fame powers and privileges
which he was fuppofed to enjoy. Another gift that
Bacchus beftowed on his favourites, was to handle
ferpents without hurt (p) ; and another, ſtill more va
luable, was, that when they were cloſely confined in
the ſtrongeſt prifons (q), their fetters would fall off, the
doors of the prifon open of their own accord, and leave
the Bacchanalians free to purfue their orgies.
*****
I have now, I truft, completely vindicated myſelf
from the charge of disloyalty to the HEIR APPARENT ;
and I beg leave to add a few words on the fubject of:
innuendos. If we go on as we have begun, it will be
impoffible for a man to write or fpeak without incur .
ring the danger of a profecution, either for a private or
(η ) ‘ Ρεῖ δὲ γάλακι πέδον,

‘ Ρεῖ δ᾽οἴνῳ , ῥεῖ δὲ μελεσσαν .
Νίκλας.. Euripid. Bacch. 142.
* Αλλη δέ νάρθηκ᾽εἰς πέδον καδῆκε γης
Καὶ μῆδε κρήνην ἐξατῆκ ' οἴνου θεός, κ . τ. λ.- Euripid . Bacch . 142 ...
Fas pervicaces eft mihi Thyadas,
Viniquefontem, lactis et uberes
Cantare ivos, atque truncis
Lapfa cavis iterare mella. Horat. Carm II. 19. 9.
(ο)Λέγουσι δὲκαὶ ᾿Ανδρίοιπαρὰ ἔτος σφίσιν ἐς τον Διονύσου . Τὴν ἐegi
ρεῖν οἶκοναὐτόματον εκ τοῦ ἱεροῦ --Paulan . VI. 26. p. 518 .
(? ) Ὄφισι, καλεζώσαντο λιχμῶσιν γέννν.—Eurip. Bacch . 69..
Nodo coërces viperinó
Biftonidum fine fraude crines.-Horat. Carm. II. 19. 19.,
( q) Πέπονθὰ δεινά· διαπέφευγε μ᾿ ὁ ξένος,
*Ος ἄρλι δεσμοῖς ἦν κατηναγκασμένος.-- Εurip. Βacch . 643 .
Protinus abftra&tus folidis Tyrrhenus Acotes
Clauditur in tectis ; et dum crudelia juffæ
Inftrumenta necis ferrumque ignefque parantur ;
Sponte fua patuiffe fores, lapfafcu lacertis,
Sponte fuafama eft, nullo folvente, catenas.— -Ovid. Met. III. 696 .
N5 public
public libel. I was amusing myſelf lately with writing

a fet of fables, partly tranflated, and partly original.
While the rough copy of fome of thefe fables lay on
my table, who fhould come into my garret, before I
had time to lock up my papers, but a member of the
Crown and Anchor Affociation ? You know the cuf
tom of that gang ; they immediately lay hands on all'
the letters and papers they fee, in order to get fome
information for the blood- hounds of the law. My
friend, therefore, without ceremony, began reading
first to himfelf, and then aloud, " The dying lion then
faid, ' The inſults of the nobler beafts I could bear, but
it embitters my laft moments to think that I must
patiently fubmit to be kicked by the heel of an afs'."
" This is venomous enough, " quoth my friend ; " but
it is no buſineſs of mine ; let Dr. Kipling * take it up,
if
Dr. Kipling is diftinguiſhed in the univerſity as an author ; as

moderator in the divinity fchools, as a preacher, and as a promoter,
His firft debut as an author was in the year 1777, when he publiſhed
a felection from Smith's Optics, with a preface of his own. In his
preface he tells us, that "the following treatife contains many inac
duracies, and even fome errors, of which the editor was.fully fenfible
before he fent it to the prefs, but was reftrained from correcting them,
by the dread of reprehenfion . " This dread of reprehenfion he got
over in the year 1793, w' en his fac fimile ofthe Beza MS. appeared.
To this work he gave alfo a preface, which, from the numerous errors
and bad latinity in it, afforded a great deal of amutement to the uni
verfity; and in that place were collected in the following epigram
fome of the more notorious faults in the Doctor's ftyle of writing :
Paginibus noftris dicitis mihi menda quod infunt
At non in recto vos puto ego effe viri
Nam primum, jurat (cetera ut teftimonia omitto)
Milnerus, quod fum do&tus ego et fapiens.
Clafficus haud es, aiunt. Quid fi non fum ? in facrofanéta
Non ulla tergum verto theologia.
Thefe errors were, foon after the delivery of a great number of
volumes to the fubfcribers, pointed out to the learned Doctor, who
reprinted the paginibus fheet, inferted it in the books remaining with
him, and, where he had an opportunity, removed the offending page
nother books. A fufficient number, however, retains the original
reading, and the bookfellers confider them as literary curiofities. The
university was at the expenfe of this work, paying for the paper, the
types, and the printing, near two thousand pounds. The Doctor is
fuppofed
if he pleafes. "—" Dr. Kipling !” haftily interrupted I.

" Ay, Dr. Kipling," anfwered he ; " who can miſtake
fuppofed to have pocketed about fix hundred guineas ; for the original
price to fubfcribers was two guineas, and he was permitted to demand
three for the copies he had in hand ; two hundred and fifty copies were
printed. In the arduous undertaking of copying the manufeript, the
Doctor very judiciouſly took a coadjutor, his own fervant, whom he
taught to read the work as fluently as himſelf.
Appointed by the Bishop of Llandaff to prefide in the divinity
fchools, our Doctor had an opportunity every fortnight of fhewing his
claffical and theological abilities ; and the perfon, manner, ftyle, and .
whole behaviour of the new moderator being exactly the oppofite to
every thing in his predeceffor, the fchools were foon deferted . At
times he was, however, obferved to ſpeak for two or three minutes
together, with more than ordinary fluency, and this circumſtance
exciting attention, the poor Doctor was found out : the fpeech was
written down, which he took care to introduce by a queftion to one of
other of the difputants, fometimes with, fometimes without reaſon.
As a preacher, he was the champion of orthodoxy, the profeffed
defender of our moſt excellent liturgy. His Engliſh fermons were not
inferior to his Latin prefaces or fpeeches.
With fuch talents, he was defervedly raiſed to a higher ſphere in the
year 1793 , when he became the head of the Cubics and promoters.
At the beginning of this year, Mr. Frend publifhed a pamphlet, en
titled, " Peace and Union," which fet the Cubics in a rage, becauſe it
ventured to expreſs the neceffity of a reform, in fome points, both in
church and ſtate. They met in a body of twenty-feven at the firft
meeting, at the houſe of the Vice-chancellor. The Cambridge men
are mathematicians, and have no objection to a joke. Twenty- feven.
being the cube of three,, and three being the facred number, which
was to be defended, thefe twenty-feven were named the Cubics of the
Trinity, or fimply the Cube, and thence commonly the Cubics . The
Cube then affembled at the Vice-chancellor's, elected a comimttée, of
which our learned Doctor was appointed the head, to fuperintend the
profecution of Mr. Frend and thus Kipling's name alone ap
peared, and he acted as profecutor, which, in the language of the
Court, is termed promoter. In this character, he outdid all his other
outdoings: his ignorance of the law proceedings was amply compens
fated by thefavour of the Court ; but the victory obtained' over their
opponent was dearly bought. The conflict was much harder than they
expected ; and even in that time of alarm , when every effort was made
by Adminiſtration to repreſent its enemics as Jacobins and leveliers,
the Cube was in a high degree unpopular. The promoter looked
for fomething more than barren honour , but the reward was long
delayed. He got nothing till this year, and now only the maſterſhip
of the Temple ; but fuch talents, fuch orthodoxy, and fuch zeal,
cannot long remain without their proper covering, the mitre. We
have just heard that the deanry of Peterborough has paved his way
to a bishopric.
N6 it
it ? Mr. Frend, for he is plainly typified by the dying

lion, would have been eafy if any decent man had been
his profecutor ; but he laments that he is expelled at
the inftance of fuch an animal as Dr. Kipling. But
let that pafs. I have more important matter behind.""
He then read the next fable :
FAB. XXXIX.
A STORY OF A COCK AND A BUll.
A gay, lively, flippant cock was ftretching out his

neck, clapping his wings, and crowing with all his
might. His dunghill happened to be near a large piece
of water, on the other fide of which he fpied a bull,
But, Mr. Editor, here my ftory of a Cock and a
Bull muſt be cut fhort ; for if the world fhould die in
ignorance of the conclufion , I, like my friend Scrub,39
86
am determined to fay nothing, till there's a peace.'
Suffice to tell, that my friend , before he had got half.
through it, could hold no longer.
" This," fays he, " is a more feditious and dan
gerous libel than any that Sir Archy has yet picked
out, not excepting even the Derby Advertiſement ."
" Where is the harm ?"-" The harm !” cried he in
a paffion ; " is it no harm to caft a flur upon the pre
fent juft, politic, neceffary, glorious, profitable, and,
above all, religious war ? If I were not your faft
friend, I fhould certainly inform against you ; but I
fhall content myſelf with giving an hint of your prin
ciples to Mr. Reeves, who, I warrant, will have a
>>
watchful eye upon . you." So faying, he departed,
leaving me in fuch aftoniſhment, that I had not power
to tell him that I would difpenfe with his vifits in fu
ture. But if ever he darkens my door again, fay my
name is not MYTHOLOGUS..
ORGIES
{..
( 27% )
ORGIES OF BACCHUS.
PART III, '
Bacchus et ad culpam caufas dedit.
-Quid me alta filentia cogis
Rumpere et obductum verbis vulgare dolorem. VIRGIL.
SIR,
You remember well what treatment I experienced
when I publiſhed the First Part of the Orgies of
Bacchus. Bifhop Horfley called it heretical, and faid
that it was a libel on the establifhed Church . Mr..
Reeves pronounoed it feditious ; but added, that the
feditious tendency was rather obfeure, till it ſhould
be illuftrated by that luminous critic, the Attorney
general.
It is, I know, generally fpeaking, childish to pefter
the public with perfonal grievances ; yet there are
cafes, where the welfare of the individual is fo clofely.
connected with the common good, that a public appeal
may be made with propriety. Whether . my cafe
comes under this. defcription is for others to decide..
I have for fome time paft kept a great dog, which was
palmed upon me for a true old blood - hound, though I
afterwards learned that the whelps of this breed were
imported into the kingdom not a century back. This
dog of mine has one very odd humour ; he barks at
every other dog that has not a collar about his neck,
and worries. him if he thinks himſelf the ftronger.
One day, being grown more than ufually valiant, he
began firft to teafe, and then to bite, a knot of dogs
of an outlandish breed . They fet upon him in con
cert, and fent him limping home with lofs and dif,
grace. For my part, I own, I. thought him very
rightly ferved. Without interpofing in the fray, I
ftood a fpectator at a little diſtance ; when who should
pafs by, but Mr. Reeves ? He called me all manner of
names ; faid that I had not a grain of patriotifm ; that
no true Briton would tamely look on, and fuffer an
English bull- dog to be roughly treated by foreign
curs.
278 ORGIES OF BACCHUS..
curs . I answered, that I would defend no animal,

canine or human, in a quarrel purely of his own feek-
ing ; that I thought it very handfome in me to pay the
dog- doctor for his cure ; and as for the name of true
Briton, he and his gang had brought it into fuch dif
grace, that I did not want them to brand me with the
title. Ever fince this accident, Mr. Reeves has circu
lated' a report that I am aJacobin, and that I fleep in a.
red night- cap .
Hinc mihi prima mali labes ; hinc femper Ulyffes
Criminibus terrere novis: hinc ipargere voces
In vulguin ambiguas, et quærere confcius arma.
Peace to the reverend Prelate, and to the no lefs
reverend Judge ! Their criticifms make no impreffion
upon me. But I was startled when I heard that many
of my friends complained that I had not exhausted the
fubject . My enemies, on the other hand, affirmed,
that my vein was dried up, and that I could not pro
ceed. This threw me into a little reflection, of which
1 here give you the refult..
I was aware, from the firft, that I fhould omit
much more than I inferted . I beg my cenfurers to be
lieve, that I could have been far more copious, if I had
not feared to trefpafs upon their patience. There are,
befides what I have noted, fo many things done by
Bacchus, that if they were all collected, a waggon
would not contain the books that were written. I
felected the principal circumftances, and, if either the
language or arrangement is unequal to the dignity of
the fubject , my poverty, not my will, confented. Or
are thefe critics tainted with the taste of the age ? Do
they think that no hero fhould have a biographer lefs
voluminous than Mr. Bofwell ? I am of a different per
fuafion. I could mention a man among the ancients
as eminent at leaſt as Dr. Johnfon ; a man who, like
Dr. Johnſon, was a teacher of religion and morality ;
a man who, like Dr. Johnfor, converfed familiarly
with
with harlots ; a man followed by many difciples, who,

like Dr. Johnſon's difciples, fwore that every word
their mafter fpoke was gofpel : yet all the authentic
memoirs of this man are comprifed in four books,
which only fill a fmall pocket voluine. It is fcarcely
neceffary to add, that I mean Socrates *.
The few particulars concerning Bacchus that I
thought worthy to be recorded, I have here fet down:
by way of appendix ; but firft it behoves me to wipe
away the afperfions of herefy and rebellion, by an ex
prefs and folemn confeffion . Since fufpicion in theſe
days quickly ripens into conviction, no loyal citizen-
(fubject, I mean ; for citizen, God fhield us ! is a
word of naught) -no loyal fubject ought even to be
fufpected .
- I declare, therefore (and Juftice Griffith, of Man
chefter, ſhall take my affidavit), that in matters of re
ligion I believe exactly as much as the Archbiſhop of
Canterbury believes ; and in matters of government,
as much as Mr. Pitt commands us to believe. I be
lieve that the prefent war is juft, cheap, and humane ;..
that we have had full as much fuccefs as we could rea
fonably expect ; that our allies are as faithful and ho-.
neft as crowned allies commonly are ; and that, if the
fky falls, we fhall not only catch larks, but all the
French atheifts into the bargain.
Oh, what a bleffed day ! What a heavenly fight, to
fee the freets. paved with the heads of thofe infernal
villains ! His Royal Highnefs will give me, as being
a dutiful fubject, one of the prifoners to my fhare ;
and what do you think I will do with him ? Firft, İ
will tear out his pluck, and devour it before his face ;
I fay " all the authentic Memoirs," becauſe I look upon Plato's
works as apocryphal. Concerning the harlots, fee the conclufion of
Mr. Bofwell's Life of Dr. Johnfon, and, in the third book of Xeno
phon's Memorabilia, the converfation of Socrates with the harlot
Theodora,
next,
280 ORGIES OF BACCHUS..
next, I will cut off another part, and give it to my

wife for a plaything ; thirdly, I will make his chit
terlings into a necklace for my eldeſt girl ; and lastly,
I will chop his carcafs into four . quarters, and fend
them to the fountain of mercy, if you know of any fuch
place. But I fhall dwell no longer upon my juftifica
tion, left you . fhould cry out in the words of the old
proverb-Ou węos Aiévσo— “ What is all this to the
Orgies of Bacchus ?"
I. I allow, that , in the Frogs of Ariftophanes are
many other curious and diverting paffages touching
Bacchus ; but thefe I omitted, becauſe I thought them
of doubtful authority. The poets have always over
laid hiftory with fo much fable, that their teftimony
ought to be received with great caution . One cir
cumftance, however,, may feem worth notice. Bac
chus is apprehended, and brought before the judge as
a criminal ; upon which he fays (b), " I tell you not
to chaftife me, who am immortal ; if you do, you
will blame yourſelf ; for I am a God, Bacchus, the
fon of Jupiter." But they give him a fevere whip
ping (c), and tell him, that if he be really a God , he
will feel no pain .. Xanthias, his flave, betrays himn
into this fcrape,
2. I thought it too trite a piece of information, or
Ifhould have told you that Bacchus was the patron of
the theatres. Perhaps you may not know what fort
of a thing a theatre was in thofe remote ages. A
theatre was a goodly pile of building, erected at the
public expenfe, and confecrated to Bacchus. Ree
member that I am ſpeaking of the improved ſtate of
(b
) -'Alopeów Tivis
Ἐμὲ μὴβασανίζειν ἀθάναλον ὄνλ', εἰ δὲ μή ;
Αὐτὸς σὺ σαυίὸν αἰῶ
᾿Αθάναλο ειναί φημί Διόνυσου Διός - Ariftoph . Ran . 641 ..
( c) Καὶ πολύ γε μᾶλλον ἐςι μαςιδωλέθω,
Εἴπες Θεὸς γὰρ ἐσιν , οὐκ αἰσθήσεται. Ibid. 646 .
the
the theatre. A ftage of boards, in Latin called pul

pita (d), was raiſed in the moſt confpicuous part of the
houfe. On thefe boards, a fet of people, in mafks,
called fometimes Dramatis Perfonæ, fometimes Yrongıral
Hypocrita, mounted in the holydays. Here they fang
hymns to Bacchus, which afterwards were accompa
nied with inftrumental mufic. Thefe entertainments
were, in procefs of time, improved into regular come
dies or tragedies, as they thought the audience inclined
to mirth or forrow. Yet it was obferved, that theſe
compofitions often leaned too much to farce and buf
foonery. And how did the audience behave, do you
afk ? Just as they do at a play with us ; fome were faſt
afleep ; others were talking over their private affairs ;
fome were making aflignations of gallantry : people
of quality and faſhion came to fhew their fine clothes
in the foremoft feats ; and a few attended to the mufie
or the difcourfe. If you inquire what was the uſe of
thefe tragedies and comedies, the real ufe was, to get
money for the perfons who brought them out. The
avowed intent was to inftruct mankind in virtue and
morality. But there are myfteries in this as well as
in all other profeffions ; frequently one man would
buy or pilfer another's play, or new-vamp an old piece,
#
and produce it for his own.
Such bigots were the Athenians to this frippery, that
they reckoned holy all the perfons who belonged to it.
They fet apart a large fhare of the public revenues,
for the fole purpoſe of maintaining the theatres in
fplendour. They even enacted a law againſt propofing
to divert this money into any other channel : for
being devoted, faid they, to the honour of Bacchus,
and appropriated to pious ufes, it would be facrilege to
employ it in profane fervices. Demofthenes, indeed,
a fad republican and leveller, ventured to oppofe this
(d) Horat. Epift. II. 1. 174 ; Art . Poet, 215, 279.

abfürd
abfurd law, and, frange to tell ! had the good luck to

efcape .
3. I faid, in a former part of this differtation, that.
Bacchus was a worker of wonders. One of thefe,
with the omiffion of which my friends were diſpleaſed,
I fhall here infert. Bacchus, feeing a number of per
fons who had been dumb from their cradle, took com
paffion on them, loofed the ftring of their tongue, and
cured them of their long filence (e).
4. I omitted, either from hurry or forgetfulneſs, to
ftate the behaviour of Bacchus, when he was brough
before Pentheus, Governor of Thebes, as Horace (
f) call
him. Pentheus makes an angry fpeech, to which
Bacchus returns this anfwer " I covet not the earthly
palace of Pentheus ; the home of Bacchus is his pa
ternal æther. And if you yourfelf had the choice of
the earth or the ftarry fky, tell me which you would
prefer, the feven-girt heaven, or the feven- gated
Thebes (g) ?"
5. Theſe feats have juftly advanced Bacchus to a
feat in the houfe of Gods. His fame has been fpread,
as I long ago remarked, through a great part of the
world ; altars, ftatues, and temples, have been erected
to his honour, and medals (b) have been ftruck, on
which his name has been infcribed with the Greek
epithet SOTER or Preferver. The Corinthians dedi ,
cated an altar to him, on which they gave him the
title of SAOTES, a word of the fame fignification,
· (e) Βάκχω ἄναξ ἐλέαιἰρε λιποφθόγίων δ᾽ ἀπὸ λαιμῶν

Γλώσσης δεσμὸν ἔλυσε καὶ ἤλασεν ἤλικα σιδήν.
Nonn. Dionyf. XXVI. 288.
* f) Pentheu, Rector Thebarum. Epift. l. 16. 73.
(g ) Οὐ χαλέωΠενθῆ ἐδὼ χθονίαια μελάθρα ,
Δῶμα Διωνύσοιο πέλειπατρώϊ αιης
Καί, χθονὸς εἰ κρίσις ἦν ἢ ἀφερσέντο ἠλύμπου
Εἰπέ μοι εἰρομένω τίνα φέρτερον αὐτὸς ἐνέψεις ,
Οὐρανὸν ἐπλάζωνον , ἢ ἐπλαπύλα χθόνα Θήβης.
Nonn. Dionyf. XLVI. 63.
1 Ezechiel Spanheim, Differt. V. de Ufu et. Præftantia Numif
matum, p. 383, ed. 1671..
He
:
ORGIES OF BACCHUS♪ ¸ 283
He was thus called , Paufanias tells us, in obedience
to a certain prophecy fi) . He was alfo worshipped
with the fame title in another temple (k) of the fanie
city, as we learn from the aforefaid inquifitive tra
veller. The Emperor Julian affigns to Bacchus adif
tinguifhed rank among the Deities . He makes him.
the fon of the Sun (1), whom he calls the King of all
the Gods (m), being in truth one and the fame with
Jupiter (n). He gives Bacchus the title of XAPIAO
THE fo), or Grace- giver; and adds, that he reigns.
together with the Sun. But I fhall not prefs this opi
nion, becauſe the fimplicity of the old religion was
grievously corrupted in Julian's days, and overwhelmed
with myfticifm and allegory.
But how comes it to pafs, that notwithſtanding
Bacchus's former credit in the world, he has funk fo
rapidly in the eſteem of later ages ? In times of old,
whether a men flept or prayed, he would frequently
fee a vifion of Bacchus. Nay, the God would at times
appear upon. earth, which the heathen Greeks called
Epiphania, or, the Appearance. At prefent, this ce
leftial light irradiates no man's tabernacle, except
where a great crevice gapes in the upper ftudy. I
fancy the true folution of the question may be learned
from Catullus (p). He fays, that while mankind were
juft and holy, the Gods frequently favoured them with
their company ; but when all decorum, virtue, and
religion, went to wreck, the Gods withdrew them
felves, and have never, from that time to this, paid
us poor mortals a vifit .
(?) Ὁ μὲν πρῶτός έξι (βωμα ) Διονύσε, κατὰ δή τι μάντευμα ὀνομα

ζομένε Σαΐτα Paulan. b.II. p. 184.
Γ) Ετέρῳ δὲναῷ Διόνυσου Σαώλης καθήμενον ξόανον Id . ib .p. 199.
(1) ῾Εφάνη δὲ ἡμῖν Ἥλιο --Διονύσει μὲν παλὴς ὑμνούμενων. Orat.
IV. p. 152. C.
(m ) Παρὰ τῷ βασιλεῖ τῶν ὅλων Ἡλίῳ Ib. p. 138. A.
(n ) Ὑπὸ Διὸς δήπυθεν · ὅσπερ ἐςὶν ὁ αὐτὸς ἭλιΘ Ibid . p. 149. C.
(5 ) Χαριδόλης δέ ἐσιν ὁ Διόνυσο · εἰς ταὐτὸν λεγόμενΘ . Ἡλίῳ σύμβασία
#
ARVELY. Ibid. p. 148. Q.
- Nupt. Pelei et Thet. prope fin.
Thus
284 VERSES TO MR. IRELAND.
Thus far I have written, to convince my enemies

how mistaken they were, when they afferted that my
bolt was fhot, and that I had nothing more to ad
vance. I can truly fay with Pindar (q), " that I have
ftill under my arm a quiver, ftored with darts, which
found to the intelligent, but to the multitude require
an interpreter." It is now, I think, time to take leave
of Bacchus and his Orgies. However, by divine per
miffion, and the aid of Took's Pantheon, I can fend
you, if you want them, fome fimilar ftories, full ast
authentic, and I hope as diverting, as the Arabian
-
Nights ; at leaft they have one quality in common
they are Oriental Tales. Whenever you can fpare a
column from religion, politics, the national debt, the
King's bathing, and other matters in which the falva
tion of the public is concerned, I may perhaps trouble
you with an explication of fome other points of Pagan
theology, as they were (I will not fay, believed or
understood, but) profeffed by the ancients.
MYTHOLOGUS.
•
VERSES ADDRESSED TO THE REVERFND JOHN
IRELAND *.
BY WILLIAM GIFFORD, ESQ .
IMITATION OF HORACE, LIB. II . ODE XVI.
Otium Divos rogat, &c.)
[From the True Briton ]

WHEN howling winds and low'ring fkies.
The light untimber'd bark furpriſe
Near Orkney's boisterous feas,
The trembling crew forget to fwear,
And bend the knees, unus'd to pray'r,
· To afk a little eafe.
f Olymp. II. 149.

Now vicar of Croydon in Surry, and author of " Difcourfes on
the Rejection of the Gospel by the ancient Jews and Greeks.”
For
VERSES TO MR. IREland. 285
For eaſe the Turk ferocious prays—
For ease the barbarous Ruffe-for eafe
Which P———————————— k could neʼer obtain ;
Which Bedford lack'd amidſt his ſtore,
And liberal Clive, with mines of ore,
Oft bade ror- but in vain.
For not the liveried troop, that wait
Around the manfions of the great,
Can keep, my friend, aloof
Fear, that attacks the mind by fits,
And care, that like a raven flits
Around the lordly roof.
" Oh ! well is he," to whom kind Heaven
A decent competence has given ,
Rich in the bleffing fent ;
He grafps not anxiouſly at more,
Dreads not to uſe his little ſtore,
And fattens on content. -
" Oh! well is he," for life is loft,
Amidst a whirl of paffions toft
Then why, dear Jack, fhould man,
Magnanimous ephemeron ! ftretch
His views beyond the narrow reach
Of his contracted ſpan ?
Why should he from his country run,
In hopes beneath a foreign fun
Seiener hours to find ?
Was never man in this wild chaſe,
Who chang'd his nature with his place,
And left himſelf behind.
For, wing'd with all the lightning's ſpeed,
Care climbs the bark, Care mounts the ſteed,
An inmate of the breaft ;
Nor Boreas' heat, nor Zembla's cold,
Can drive from that pernicious hold
The too tenacious gueft.
They, whom no anxious thoughts annoy,
Grateful, the preſent hour enjoy,
Nor feek the next to know :
1. ta 3
To lighten every ill they ſtrive,
Nor, ere Misfortune's hand arrive,
Anticipate the blow.
Something
286 A GENERAL SPEECH.
Something muft ever be amifs

Man has his joys ; but perfect bliſs
Lives only in the brain .
We cannot all have what we want ;
And Chance, unaſk'd, to this may grant
What that has begg'd in vain.
Wolfe rufh'd on Death in manhood's bloom,
Paulet crept flowly to the tomb→→
Here breath, there fame was given :
And that wite Power who weighs our lives,
By contras and by pros contrives 1
To keep the balance even.
To thee the gave two piercing eyes,
A body-juft of Tydeus' fize,
A judgment found and clear ;
A mind with various ſcience fraught,
A liberal foul, a threadbare coat,
And forty pounds a-year :
To me, one eye, not over-good,
Two fides, that, to their coft, have ſtood.
A ten years hectic cough ;
Aches, ftitches, all the numerous ills
That fwell the devilifh doctors' bills,
'And ſweep poor mortals off:
A coat more bare than thine—a foul
That spurns the crowd's malign control ;
A fix'd contempt of wrong ;
Spirits above Affliction's power,
And skill to charm the lonely hour
With no inglorious fong.
A GENERAL SPEECH,
ADAPTED TO ALL OCCASIONS , AND TO THE MEANEST
CAPACITIES .
·[From the Telegraph .]
SIR,
UNUSED, unacquainted , unhabituated, unaccuf
tomed to public fpeaking , I rife, Sir, in confe
quence of having caught your eye, Sir, to exprefs with
the utmoſt diffidence my humble ideas on the import
ant
AAR
A GENERAL SPEECH. 287
ant fubject now before the Houfe. I will therefore,

Sir, be bold to affirm, and I am alſo free to declare, that
I by no means meet the ideas of the Nubble Lud in the
blue riband. I will not, however, go over the fame
ground, or commit myſelf by taking up a principle with
out the most perfect confideration. But as I am upon
my legs, I certainly fhall not blink the queſtion ; nor anı
I at all inclined to meet him half way, becaufe, on the
first blush of the bufinefs, I was determined to Scout the
idea in toto; for if, Sir, the well-being of civilized fo
ciety, and the eſtabliſhment of order and tranquillity,
is the grand object of our investigation, I cannot hesitate
to pronounce- Sir ! I cannot heſitate to pronounce, that
I want words to exprefs my indignation at the general
tenour of the arguments fo ably agitated by the Honour
able Member on my left hand. But, Sir, the idea does not
attach, and when my Learned Friend profeffed to lay
down his principles with fo much method, he only
proved his weaknefs by undertaking to cleanfe the
Augean fiable, and to perform the labours of Hercules
himfelf. No, Sir : I am again free to affert, and, Sir,
I am by no means difinclined to prove, that if Gentle
men, under the exifting circumftances, do not act with
vigour and unanimity against the introduction of French
principles, our glorious conftitution, produced by the
wifdem of our ancestors, may fall to the ground, Sir !
-yes, fall to the ground by the impulfe of a Jacobin
innovation. But on this head we are ripe to deliberate;
and I truft the Gentlemen with whom I have the honour
to act, and who conftitute the decided majority of this
' Honourable Houfe ; for whofe worth, integrity, firm
I
nefs, perfpicuity, ingenuity, perfeverance, and pa
triotifm , I have the moft dignified reſpect,, and in
whom alfo I place the most perfect confidence ; I fay,
f. Sir, I trust they will preferve the privileges of this
Affembly from the lawlefs banditti of acquitted felons,
ith who not having been killed off, infult us daily by
rt their negative fucceffes, and circulate their feditious
unt . principles;
288 EXTRAORDINARY PHENOMenon .
principles, to the danger of every refpectable man in

the community, and who, by poffeffing property, be
comes an object for their diabolical depredations . Not,
however, to trefpafs any longer on the patience of the
Houfe, I fhall conclude by obferving, with the great
Latin poet of antiquity,
Quid fitfuturum cras, fuge quærere ;
Carpe diem .
EXEUNT OMNES.
EXTRAORDINARY PHENOMENON.
MR. BALDWIN,
to communicate to you the following
I BEG leave
very extraordinary phenomenon. It appears on
the fouth wall of the parish church of Streathamn, in
the county of Surry.
The monumental infcription runs thus :
" Elizabeth, wife of Major-general Hamilton, who
was married near forty-feven years, and never did ʊne
to difoblige her huſband . She died in 1746. "
If, Sir, we lived in an age of miracles , or where re
ported miracles were generally believed, I know not
but this might pafs in a crowd ; but when I confider
that we live in an age of great experience and much
knowledge in matrimonial affairs, I fcarcely know
what to think of it. It crept into the papers within
thefe few days, and has excited no fmall degree of con
fternation among my acquaintance.
Conjecture is generally fruitful ; and I muft fay
fome very ingenious fpecimens have been tried to falve
this difficulty. But ftill unbelief prevails ; and the
term of forty -feven years exceeds all capacity of fwal
lowing. People buried for a month under the fnow
rats eating bank notes-a inan catching trout by means
of a red nofe--the taking up of footpads by the police
officers, or taking up of thepavement in Bridge Street :
all
EXTRAORDINARY , PHENOMENON. 289
all thefe, which appear now and then in the papers,
may receive fome degree of credit, particularly from
weak minds - but a wife that never difobliged her
huſband for forty-feven years ! I am in a maze, and
know not how to get out.
A lady of my acquaintance has fuggefted, that pro
bably her huſband was afflicted with deafnefs, or de
prived of the ufe of his fight, or his hearing: " yet
ftill, " adds fhe, " the might have difobliged him-in
many ways. " I confider this lady's opinion as ofgreat
weight, for fhe is one of the beft of wives.
A very fagacious gentleman, who has the happinefs
to poffefs a moſt excellent wife, who nevertheless can-
not believe a fyllable of this ſtory, thinks, that as the
hufband was a Major-general, he might probably be
on foreign fervice all the while . But this is neither
confiftent with the duration of our wars, nor with the
gallantry of our foldiers . Various other ſuppoſes have
been offered on this occafion, but none that will admit
the poffibility of the fact, and only tending to explain
the enigma of the infcription .
The ladies, for instance, who must be allowed in .
fuch cafes to be the beft judges, proteft that they can
not conceive fuch a wife to have ever exifted ; and like
wife declare that an excefs of tamenefs is unbecoming
the dignity of the fex, and a direct violation of the
rights of woman. Many gentlemen adopt the fame
opinion ; and although they do not complain that the
excefs of tamenefs is a prevailing evil, yet they decide
clearly in favour of a woman-that is, a wife-having
a fpice of the d-1 . It is by a mixture of concords
with difcords that mufic and matrimony are moft
agreeably compofed. For my own part, Mr. Baldwin,
I fhall neither decide one way or other, but fhall leave.
this remarkable relation as I found it ; hoping, that,
though not literally true, it may produce fome good:
effect . We are all exhorted to be perfect, which does
VOL. I. 0 not
290 BENEFITS .
not imply that any of us can ever be perfect, but that

itis our duty to approach as nearly as poffible towards it .
I have the honour to be, Sir,
Your very humble fervant,
DEBORAH DOUBTFUL,
Married fix months.
1
BENEFITS.
MR. BALDWIN,
S I obferve that many of our eminent performers
AS
are greatly at a lofs to draw out a proper bill of
fare for their benefits, fuited to the prefent enlightened
dramatic tafte, I have taken the liberty to offer the
following as a model ; and I have no doubt but that he
or the who follows it, will find it greatly to their ad
vantage .
Mr.'s Night.
By defire, the Tragedy of
МАСВЕТН .
Macbeth- By a Gentieman, being his first appearance
on any Stage.
In the firſt ſcene will be introduced
A real Hail Storm .
End of Act I. (for that night only) the two Kanga
roos from Exeter Change, will make their appearance
in a dance.
End of Act II . A Hornpipe, by the gentleman who
performs Macbeth.
End of A& III . The real Turkiſh Ambaſſador will
walk acroſs the Stage, attended by his ſuite.
End of Act IV. Lady Macbeth will recite Garrick's
Ode to Shakespeare, with John Gilpin's Journey to Ed
monton.
During the Play,
The Witches will fing Poor Jack, the Little Far
thing
BENEFITS. 291
thing Rushlight, the Jolly Lamplighter, and other Airs,

in character.
At the end of the Play
An entire New Epilogue,
By an eminent literary Gentleman ;
In the courfe of which will be introduced,
A real River, with actual Salmon, Trout, and
Whitebait.
Between the Play and Farce,
A new Interlude,
(Written for this night only, ) called
Harlequin in Paris,
Or the Humours of the Guillotine ;
(In which, by particular defire, Harlequin will take a
flying leap through a caldron of burning brimstone,
the like never performed in this world . )
The characters in the Interlude,
For that night only, ) all by Frenchmen .
A dance of Murderers , by the principal Performers of
this Theatre .
To conclude with a proceffion of the Guillotine,
(As performed in Paris with univerfal applaufe, for
upwards of a twelvemonth paft ;)
And a real Head, lately imported in an American
bottom .
End of the Interlude,
A Solo on the Violin,
by
A CHILD OF SIX MONTHS OLD.
To conclude with
The Cries of London,
and
The Tombs in Weſtminſter Abbey.
To which will be added,
A FARCE,
And other Entertainments,
As will be expreffed in the Bills of the Day.
02 VERSES
( 292 )
VERSES ON THE DEATH OF LIEUTENANT

COLONEL BULLER ,
MORTALLY WOUNDED ON THE 8TH OF JANUARY 1795,
IN AN ACTION WITH THE FRENCH ON THE BANKS
OF THE WAAL.
(Written by Mr. Sheridan ; andaddreſſed to Mifs H. Ogle, now
Mrs. S.)
CARCE hush'd the figh, fcarce dried the ling'ring tear
Affection pour'd upon a brother's * bier ;
Another lofs bid Laura's forrows flow,
As keen in anguiſh as a fifter's woe.
Unknown by me the object of her grief,
I dare not counſel, did fhe afk relief;
Yet, may the wifh no vain intruſion prove,
To fhare her grief, for all who fhar'd her love.
Yes, gallant victim ! in this hateful ſtrife,
Which pride maintains ' gainſt man's and freedom's life,
If, quick and fenfible to Laura's worth,
Thy heart's first comment was affection's birth ;
If thy foul's day rofe only in her fight,
And abfence was thy clouded fpirit's night ;
If, ' mid whatever bufy tumults thrown,
Thy filent thought ſtill turn'd to her alone ;
If, while ambition ſeem'd each act to move,
Thy fecret hope was Laura, peace, and love ;
If fuch thy feelings and thy dying pray'r,
To withthe happinefs you could not ſhare;
Let me with kindred claim thy name revere—
And give thy memory a brother's tear !
But, ah ! not tears alone fill Laura's eyes !—
Refentment kindles with affliction's fighs ;
Infulted patience borrows paffion's breath
To curfe the plotters of thefe fcenes of death !
Yet, footh'd to peace, fweet mourner, tranquil be,
And ev'ry harsh emotion yield to me !
* Capt. Newton Ogle, aid-de-camp to Sir C. Grey. He perishedin

the West Indies the pride of his family, and delight of all who knew
him
Remembrance
4
1 DEATH OF COLONEL BULLER . 493
Remembrance fad, and fweet regret, be thine
The wrath of hate, the blow of vengeance mine;
And, dh, by heav'n the hour fhall furely come,
When, fell deſtroyers, ye fhall meet your doom !
Yes, mifcreant ftateſmen, by the proud diſdain
Which Honour feels at bafe Corruption's reign-
By the loud clamour of a nation's woes
Bythe ftill pang domeftic forrow knows→→
By all that hope has loft, or terror fears,→
By England's injuries, and Laura's tears,
The hour fhall come, when, Fraud's fhort triumph paſt,
A people's vengeance ſhall ſtrike home at laft !!!
Then, then (hall foul Remorse, the daftard fiend ,
**
Who ne'er pollutes the noble foldier's end,
With dark defpair around the fcaffold wait
And not one look deplore the victim's fate !
But, while remembrance ſhakes his coward frame,
And ftarts of pride contend with inward fhames
The mute reproach, or execration loud
Of fober juftice, or the fcoffing crowd,
Alike fhall hail the ftroke that ends his doom ,
And gives to infamy his mem'ry and his tomb !
Turn from the hateful ſcene, dear Laura, turn ;
And thy lov'd friend with milder forrow mourn !
Still dwell upon his fate ; for, ftill thou ' It find
The contraft lovely, and ' t will footh thy mind !
Fall'n with the brave, ere number'd with the flain,
His mind, unwounded, calms his body's pain !
Half rais'd, he leans. See friend lip bending o'er,
But, ah, with looks that promife life no more !
Hopeleſs, but not difmay'd, with fearleſs eye
He reads the doom 'that tells him " he muft die ;"
Lays his brave hand upon his bleeding breaſt
And feels his glory while he finds his reft !
Then yields the tranfient breath which nature gave,
And, fure of prouder life, o'erlooks the grave.
Sweet is the meed that waits his laurel'd bier :--
Tis Valour's hope, ' t is Honour's praiſe fincere ;
'Tis Friend.ip's manly figh, and gentle Beauty's tear ! }
03 MEDICAL
( 294 )
MEDICAL REPORT .
The illness of Mr. John Bull having been often mentioned in
the newspapers and very much mifreprefented, we are happy
to have it in our power to lay before our readers the opinion
of an eminent physician, lately called in to a private confult
ation. This opinion was fent in the following letter to a bro
ther phyfician in the country, who has kindly permitted us
to copy it.
DEAR SIR,
now had leifure to confider the cafe of our
HAVING
friend Mr. Bull, I am enabled in fome degree to
comply with your requeft, although the refractory be
haviour of the patient, though not his own fault, pre
vented us from prefcribing. Yet, from what follows,
I flatter myself, you will be able to comprehend the
nature of his complaint.
I need not tell a perfon of your eminence in the
fcience, that there are no diforders which give us more
plague than diforders of the nerves ; and when I add
that Mr. Bull's diforder arofe from afright, you will
readily anticipate the difficulties we have to encounter
in the method of cure. This fright was brought on
about four years ago . He at that time enjoyed a
conftitution, which, if not altogether found, was at
leaft free from the viciffitudes which other perfons have
to encounter, and having in 1788 atiained his bun
dredth year, he was in remarkable fpirits. His bro
ther, Nic Frog, had, about that time, left off his
evil courfes, and was recovering firength very faſt.
John, whofe benevolence you have often experienced,
was quite rejoiced at this, forgot all Nie's old tricks,
called him his brother, and offered tofhake hands with
him .
How it came about, I know not ; but at the time
I have mentioned, John awoke one morning, after
rather a diſturbed fleep, in the most violent trepida
tion, his limbs fhaking, and his whole frame difor
dered . Thefe fymptoms were followed by the Scarlet
fever,
MEDICAL REPORT. 295
fever, which covered his whole body. He talked of

nothing but thieves, murderers , and cannibals , of eath
ing hearts broiled on gridirons, and devouring chil
dren alive, with other fancies peculiar to a difturbed
mind. His best friends endeavoured to compoſe him;
and affured him that there were no thieves and muns
derers near him ; or, if there were, the fine old wooden
walls he had erected round his premifes would fecure
them from any attack. Unfortunately he fawreveny
thing in a perverfe light, and would listen to monenof
the regular faculty, but called in a tribe of quacks ).
fuch as may be met with frequently in the streets, aud
are fitter to harangue a mob on Tower-hill, than to
preferibe at a patient's bedfide. fo
The confequence of liftening to thefe fellows was
what might naturally be expected . Whenever a man
with a good conftitution goes to quacks, they feldom
leave him till they have fleeced him of all his cafh, and
left him with more dangerous complaints, than they.
pretended originally to cure. Poor John fwallowed
every thing they preſcribed, though they brought him.
in fuch bills as at any other time would have frightened
him out of his 1 fenfes ; yet he bore thefe impofitions
with the greatest patience : and though he was every,
day lofing ftrength, fancied himſelf growing ftronger .
One of his oddeft whims was, that he could walk all'
the way into the heart of Nic Frog's eftate, nearly
three hundred miles, although, with all his efforts, he
was not able to flir as many yards. The ftrength of
the medicines which thefe quacks prefcribed, was fuch,
indeed, as no conftitution could ftand againft. 职 Strong
dofes of the bitter root of bellum lethale, and violent
bleedings , without the fmalleft ufe or neceffity, were
their common recipes ; and while they perfuaded him
that all this was done to preferve his conflitution , it
was visible to every one of his friends that they were
faft undermining his conftitution, taking from him
his accustomed fpirit, and relaxing his habit beyond
the chance of cure.
04 It
296 MEDICAL REPORT .
"
It would be quite fuperfluons to point out to you, my
dear Sir, all the effects of a fyftem of quackery, as you
muſt have met with them often in the courfe of your
practice. But in all mine, which has been pretty ex
tenfive, I never remember fo flagrant an inftance of
the mischief arifing from quackery, as in the cafe of
our poor friend Bull. To you who knew him fa
well, I need not defcribe what he was, but it would
melt a heart of ſtone to view him as he is. Pale, enia
ciated, and wan, he is but the ghoft of his better days.
His appetite is quite gone ; he can fcarce get a bit of
breaddown, without great difficulty * ; and as to wine,
the cafe is much the fame. Indeed he fold a great
part of his ſtock of liquors, to buy thofe pernicious.
preparations of feel which his quacks adviſed, and
which have proved of no more ſervice to him than the
rafpings of a broomstick. Indeed, jocularly fpeaking,
I don't know but the latter would be preferable, for
John never enjoyed fuch good health, as when he
could hang out the broom in the face of all his neigh
bour's.
That lofs ofbufinefs fhould follow lofs of health, is too
common a cafe to excite furprife. It is among the
worft confequences of this quackery, to which John
has addicted himfelf, that he has almoft wholly neg
lected his shop. He don't fell half the articles he did,
and fome of his wholefale cuftomers have fout their
doors against him, fo that his goods may lie to rot in
his warehouſes. So little, however, is he affected by
this, that he exclaimed one day-" D-n my shop!
fo my conftitution is fafe ;" a circumftance which con
vinced me that his intellect was diſturbed . What
could have produced fuch derangement in a mind fo
found as his uſed to be, his friends have in vain at
tempted to diſcover. The quacks who furround him ,
will anfwer no queftions, or, if they do condefcend to
This article appeared when bread was at the monstrous price of

fifteen pence the quartern loaf.
tell
MEDICAL REPORT. 297
tell why they preſcribe any remedy, they fpeak as if

they did not wish to be underſtood . I accidentally met
with one or two of them, and they appear, from their
broken English, to be foreigners, either Germans or
Swifs, I know not which.
The confequences, however, of our poor friend's
unhappy fituation are not confined to himfelf alone.
His family has loft much of the refpect it commanded .
Among his neighbours he is no longer looked up to as a
man ofconfequence. While he had a fhilling left, they
profeffed a cordial partnership with him, but now that
he cannot advance more, they affect to defpife him,
and he has been for fome time in a kind of ftupor, from
which I have ventured to predict very alarming effects .
You know, my dear Sir, that a ftupor is always dan
gerous in proportion to the length of time it lafts. Now
his has lafted a very long time, and nothing feems
capable of roufing him ; nor, indeed, can he awake
from this lethargy, unless hisfriends procure accefs to
him, which at prefent is impoffible, as the whole tribe
of quacks place themfelves firmly round him , and will
admit nobody to fee him, who is not of their way of
thinking .
Such, my dear Sir, is the fituation of our friend
John. You who remember him in his better days,
and who preferibed fo fuccefsfully to him fome years .
ago, when he fell into a dangerous diforder by drink
ing tea at Bolton, can beſt know how to appreciate his
prefent fituation . I confefs I am not without hopes.
I fee as yet no mortal fymptom. His conftitution is
fuch as might be restored, were we allowed to pre
fcribe immediately ; but the whole annals of our fcience
cannot afford an inftance of an obftinate perfeverance
in quackery which did not render the conftitution fo
bad as to baffle the efforts of the most experienced
phyficians. His pulfe, it is faid, may yet be felt ; and
although a cure would probably be tedious, yet furely
the object is worthy of all our fkill and perfeverance.
05 When
298 NEW LOGIC.
When we reflect upon his goodneſs of heart, his be

nevolence, his courage, and the many good qualities
which diftinguished him in former days, who but muſt
figh to behold his prefent depreffed, debilitated, and
humiliating fituation ? Who would not exult in be
ing the means of reftoring him to his priſtine health
and vigour ?
Yes, my dear friend, let us not defpair. It may be
done ; but it cannot be done without an entire change
of fyftem . Thoſe who have deluded him, muſt be re
moved ; all veftiges even of their preſcriptions must be
deftroyed. The gag muft be taken from his mouth ,
and the film removed from his eye. He will then look
back with contempt on thoſe who have deceived him ,
and forward with pleafure to the happy days, when ,
furrounded by friends only, he may enjoy long and
happy life, refpected by, and refpecting his neigh
bour as himself. I am, dear Sir, yours,
Warwick Lane, Aug. 6, 1796. GALENICUS .
P. S. Should any favourable change take place, you
may depend upon hearing from me. There is a vague
report, that fome one has prefcribed Spanish flies to re
move the lethargy. I queftion whether he has ftrength
for it. I am averfe to more outward applications .
NEW LOGIC .
[ From the S. James's Chronicle.]
SIR,
DID you ever, Mr. Baldwin, meet with a man
whofe brains are in his pocket, whofe logic is a
bottle, and all whofe decifions are wagers ? If you
have, you will have fome idea of a very worthy gen
tleman who difturbs the peace of our little evening
club, by giving no anfwer that has not a bet at the
tail of it. If you fay, we have had good news from
abroad, he lays a bottle that the news are bad . - If
you hint that they are bad, he offers a bottle that they
are
CANTATA. 299
are good. In this way he goes about the room for
hours together, chinking his arguments in his pocket,
and referring every question of politics, law, or trade, to
the unanswerable decifion of two and fixpence. No
man can open his mouth without rifking a bottle with
this wager-hunter. If you even drink his health, he'll
Jay you a bottle that he is the healthiest man in the
room : if you ftir the fire, he bets a bottle that you
will put it out. Nay, it was but lately, that, on going
away, I bid him good night, and he offered to lay a bottle
that it was morning. Another time, when I helped
him on with his great coat, he laid me a bottle that I
could not tell who made it.
There is no contending, you perceive, with fuch a
logician as this ; and our club have had feveral meet
ings to confider what is to be done. We are a plain,
fober, orderly kind of people, who meet to difcufs the
bufinefs of the day in a cool, argumentative way ; but
it is very hard, Sir, that a man cannot riſk an opinion
for lefs than half a crown. It has been fuggefted by
a yery fagacious member, who fees much further
through a mill-ftone than most of us, that this two and
Sixpenny reafoner, this filver-tongued orator, is under
articles with the landlord for the more fpeedy con
fumption of his port wine, and that he has ten per
cent. on every decifion which he pours down our
throats. But this probably is fcandal- O ! here he
comes-and quite in character-for he propoſes a bot
tle that he knows what I have been writing--and fo he
may, if you pleaſe . I am , Sir, yours,
No WAGER- MONGER.
CANTATA.
BY PETER PINDAR, ESQ.
RECITATIVE.
who erft a MIGHTY MONARCH'S RAGE
L Made the bold fubject of heroic page ;
Difclos'd the fecrets of the Royal Houſe,
And fang the GUILLOTINISM of a louſe ;
об Taught
J
300 CANTATA.
Taught greafy cooks and fcullions how to moan,

And gave to porters language not their own ;
Now meek as lamb in humbler meaſures creep,
And fingthe virtues of a flock of ſheep !
AIR.
Adieu ! ev'ry sheep that I 've got !
Ye playful and innocent lambs !
Ye ewes, the fupport of my flock !
Ye fober and reverend rams !
No more to my arms fhall ye run,
As together we friſk it and play,
In the fummer to feed you with grafs,
In the winterto feed you with hay.
I fhall lead you no more to the fold,
No more fhall I bring you together,
No more to a ſweet little ewe
Shall I couple a merry bell-wether * .
Lack-a-day ! how I'm alter'd of late,
As, I fear, by my vifage appears ,
Ah! I am not the fame as I was †,
For I'm older by fixty good years !
Oh ! lift to this maxim, my friends,
L
Which at once is both novel and true,

" Ye too muft refign your ſweet breath,"
For who his paft years can renew ?
What thanks to your love do I owe!
In the funfhine, whenever I fleep,
Repofing my limbs on the ground,
How fweet to be guarded-by fheep.
Let me copy your virtues fo rare,
Then receive my laſt thanks and laſt ſigh !
Your fimplicity taught me to live,
Let your INNOCENCE teach me to die !
* I am well aware of the objection the critics may make to my

coupling a ewe to a bell-wether ; but I fhall beg leave to refer them to
Shakspeare's As You Like it, A& III. Scene 2. an authority, lecon
ceive, fully fufficient to anſwer any objection they may think proper to
bring against me.
Non fum qualis eram,
Then
A RUINED NATION. 301
Then no more fhall my mortified ſpirit

Ufe any unfortunate imp ill ;
But all, whilst they envy, ſhall own
THE VIRTUES of PETER-the fimple.
A RUINED NATION.
SIR,
is the peculiar advantage of your paper, and what
IT
I have ever valued it for, that in the moft confufed
of times, you give us a little of fomething to amuſe
us. I am fure, if it were not for this, a man would
lofe his fenfes amidft the din of Parliamentary Debates,
Common Halls , Palace Yards, and Copenhagen
Houfes. One can fcarcely eat a morfel, or drink a
drop, that does not fmell of politics ; which we old
fellows, Sir, paft the hey- day of life, cannot reliſh as
we uſed to do. Alas ! Sir, the time has been, when
I could- but no matter- for, as my friend John
""
Wilkes fays, " Every dog has his day.'
To be fure, now and then one can't help talking a
little in the old way about the ruin of the nation, and
fuch like fubjects, as ferved to amuſe us in our youth .
I have lived, Sir, to fee this country ruined more than
half a dozen times. I remember we were ruined in
1756, when we went to war with France. Well, Sir,
when we got out of that war in 1763 , I thought all
was fafe ; but it fo happened that we made a peace
which ruined the nation again. Then, Sir, came the
glorious days of Wilkes and liberty. It would do
your heart good, to think how we were ruined then .
When the Tea- act paffed, which threw America into
a flame, we were completely ruined again, and, I do
not know how it happened, but the fact is, when that
act was repealed, fome very fenfible people faid we
were quite ruined. However, we made a fhift to hob
ble on pretty well till the year 1775, and then we went
to war with America ; from which time, all wife and
long
302 CREEDS TO CHOOSE .
long-headed politicians faid this country might date îts

ruin. Away we went, however, and ruined ourſelves
into a peace, and were told that the " fun of Great
Britain was fet for ever." Scarcely had this ruin been
out of our mouths (and I don't think it was any
where elfe) , when the Coalition ruined us again- but
Mr. Pitt came into power, and during his time the
account current runs thus
His coming into power Ruined.
Shop Tax • Ruined.
Tobacco Exciſe Ruined.
War Ruined.
Bills to punish Treafon and Sedition Ruined.
I am, Mr. Baldwin, yours,
OLD STYLE .
CREEDS TO CHOOSE.
Firfi, or Tory Creed.

<<
BELIEVE in the infallibility of all crowned
I heads.
" I believe in the infallibility of the Minifter for

the time being .
" I believe in William Pitt as the maker of all good
men.
" I believe in the perfection and inviolability of the
English conftitution , as now adminiftered ; and I
think it a damnable hereſy to believe that it can be
amended .
" I believe in the charity, religion, and virtues of
the church, as eftablished by law.
" I believe in the holiness of all Biſhops- in the ne
ceffity of pluralities- in the advantages of tithes
and in all good things dependant upon high church
government.
" I believe in the falvation of Teft Acts .
" I believe in the virtue of corruption , without
which there can be no regeneration.
" I believe
CREEDS TO CHOOSE . 303
" I believe in the faving grace conferred by penfions

and finecure places.
I believe in the virtue of riches, and vice of po
verty and I believe that all men who do not believe
as I believe, will, or ought to be, damned in fecula
feculorum . Amen .
" A CAVALIER OF THE OLD COURT CUT,"
f
Second, or Jacobine Creed.
" I do not believe in any thing that is ancient, fixed,
ftable, or permanent.
" I believe only in the virtues of change and ex
periment.
" I believe that all crowned heads are tigers, prowl
ing for prey.
I believe that all minifters are jackals, purveying
for fuch tigers.
" I believe that the English conftitution is bad, will
be worfe, and ought to be deftroyed .
" I believe that it is wifer to rush into any evils.
that may await change, than to attempt to amend what
is amifs, becaufe life is not long enough to wait the
flow progreſs of reform .
" I believe that all good governments are made only
for the existing members, and that they have nothing
to do with pofterity .
" I believe that the next world has nothing to do
with us, and conſequently that we have nothing to do,
with the next world .
" I believe that every rich man is a rogue, and
ought to be poor.
I believe in the Rights of Man, as far as they
ferve to give me a right to live independent of all con
trol, as a man ought to do.
" I believe that the only fit men to frame a govern
ment for free men, are thoſe who have always lived
independent of any government whatever, as they only
can know what freedom is.
" I believe
LINES TO A LADY. ·
304
"I believe in Tom Paine as the faviour of this
world. Amen .
" A REPUBLICAN OF THE NEWEST CUT ."
Third, or my own Creed.

" I believe that every conftitution is not adapted to
every country.
" I believe that a limited monarchy is beft adapted
to produce peace, plenty, profperity, and protection
in Great Britain.
C " I believe that the conftitution of England, as ori
ginally framed, is the wifeft idea of a free government
that ever entered into the imagination of man.
" I believe that no human inftitution ever was, or
will be, perfect ; but if it is fufceptible of amendment,
may always be approaching nearer to perfection .
" I believe that, being of human inftitution , the
English conftitution is fubject to abuſes and to decay.
" I believe that many abufes have crept into the
Adminiftration, that many decays have begun to ap
pear in the English conftitution.
" I believe that no man is infallible, either as a
King or as a minifter.
" I believe it to be the intereft of every minifter to
encourage abufes in the Adminiftration , and to hide.
decays in the conftitution.
" I believe that all the abufes in the Adminiftration ,
and all the decays in the conftitution,, are. practical
evils, and admit of eaſy and practical cures . "
LINES
Written to a Lady, who had a looſe Tooth extracted, and faſtened in
again by drilling a Hole through it, and paffing two Ligatures, by
which it was tied to the Tooth on each Side.
[From the Morning Poft.]
EAR Madam , tell an anxious friend,
DEA R
What terms you live on with your tooth :
I hope yourjars are at an end ;
But ftill I wiſh to know the truth.
"T is
MUSTAPHA TO PITTANDER . 305
'Tis well you were alarm'd in time,
And took the hint, and look'd about ;
He and his neighbours could not chime,
They threaten'd fhortly to fall out.
He then flew'd figns of infurrection,
And foon acquaintance had with Pain;
But now he's drill'd- a juft correction,
And to the ranks reduc'd again.
An action you commenc'd for trover,
And LAW bade all contention ceaſe i
He took him up, and bound him over,
And tied him down to keep the peace.
Then, left himſelf fhould gain no fame,
And you no profit from his labours ;
As further fureties for the fame,
Bound over both his next-door neighbours.
Now let him learn to prize his lot,
And try to keep within his tether ;
Let each old grievance be forgot,
And may you both long bold togethert
MUSTAPHA'S ADORATION OF THE SUBLIME

SULTAN PITTANDER THE OMNIPOTENT.
[From the Courier.]
PART I.
HEN the morning wakes, I go forth to find

WHEN
thee ; when the light of evening fades, I trace
thy ſteps, 4 thou great andfublime Pittander ! for I am
thy flave, and I will worthip thee for ever.
Thou giver of allgood things, I adore thy mightiness ! •
Thou fayeft to mankind, Go forth and die, and , lo !
thou art obeyed ; at thy voice the world fhall become
defert.
Thy forehead fmiteth the fkies, and the earth is the
footstool of thy pride ; thy breath is defolation , and
* The name of a dentiſt.

thy
306 MUSTAPHA TO PITTANDER .
thy frown defpair ; the treafures of the globe are at thy

difpofal, and thou giveft them to thy creatures .
Though the low and the laborious execrate thy
name, though the poor fpeak of thee in anguifh and in
tears, yet the princes of the world are glad of thee, the
nobles of all lands fing Hallelujahs to thy greatnefs.
Oh who fhall abide thy wrathful indignation ? All
who contend against thee fhall drink of the cup of the
fierceness of thy rage .
Thou fendeft out armies conquering and to conquer,
and when they are difcomfited, thou becomeft exceed
ing wroth, and ordereft forth others to be again deſtroy
ed ; for thy power and thy glory are without end.
Thy palace is built upon a rock, it is built upon a
Treaſury, it defieth the wind and the tempefts, and the
mighty wind ; for its walls are of adamant, and its
chambers are of gold, and its grand halls are of por
phyry and fine gold, and precious ftones. It is called
the Palace of Downing at this day. 1
The merchants of thy great city, whofe riches over
flow like the waters of the Nile, make offerings unto
thee ; they bring thee wealth from Tyre and from Si
don, from the Eaft and from the Weft, which thou
deigneft to receive at their hands ; then thou com
mandeft thy people to repay them with thefweat of their
brow to all ages-fo excellent is thy loving-kindneſs
towards them.
Yet the poor fhall come forward in vaft multitudes,
and with much complaint, and fall fay unto thee,
" Fye upon thee ! fye upon thee !" but thou fhalt not
be ashamed .
And thou shalt take the offerings of the rich mer
chants, and the wealth of Tyre and Sidon , and thou´
fhalt fcatter them over the face of the earth, and upon
the great waters, and in the air ; then all nen fhall
be aftoniſhed, and many fhall blame thee ; but I will
laud thy doings, I will exalt thy name without ceafing,
Day and night will I fing praifes unto thee ; oh !
Icad
←
lead me into thy fecret places - beltow a refting-place
upon thy flave.
Fain would I bow me down and kifs thy hinder
parts, in teftimony of my fubmiffion, but thy hinder
parts are wanting ; I would pour precious ointment on
thy beard, but thou art without a chin. Glory be 10
thec, great No- chin, for everlafting ; thou art not of
the children of men .
Should the whisperings ofthy flave offend thee, moſt
mighty Sultan ! fet thy foot upon his neck, and cruth
him in the duft, that he may die in honour. Even in
death would I glorify thee.
The pillars of thy power are in the remoteft corners
of the earth, and thy ftrength is in many mighty men .
At thy right hand is Dundafophat the great chieftain,
and the high priests, and the elders.
The Burkites allo, and the Jenkinſonites , and the
Canningites, fight for thee...
The Rofeites and the Steelites, and Reeveites, and all
the Majoritites, uphold thee.
And is not Loughboroboam, the wife lawgiver, on
thy fide?
The captain of fifties, and the captains of hundreds ,
and the affociations, and the corporations, fupport thee,
moft magnificent Sultan!
And thofe likewife who have penfions, and thofe who
have places, and thofe who have titles, and all who
wish for them, or expect them, give countenance unto
thee. Who then fhall dare to refift thy will ? who
hall Speak of Reform , and not perifh ?
The Vulpites fhall fly before thee like the morning
dew from the gates of the fouth ; their numbers are
reduced, they are faint with their loffes, they shall
**
feon be cut down, be dried up and wither.
Sheridanezor fhall be overthrown, Greyhoiachim thall
fall befide him, and noné fhall oppofe thy progrefs .
But thou fhalt come forth with fackbuts and pfalte
ries, and all kinds of mufic, in the majesty of thy triumph.
The
A ER
308 MUSTAPH TO PITTAND .
The Tookites, the Hardites, and the Thelwalites,

with all the children of fedition, fhall be fmitten with
the edge of the fword ; their bodies fhall be quartered,
and their limbs fhall be fixed upon the high places, as
a warning to all nations .
O that I had a tongue to utter the fentiments of my
joy !-O that I could make known to all men the ful
nefs of my delight !
For the armies of Anarchy ſhall ſpeedily be diſperſed,
the new Satan of Liberty fhall be beaten down under
our feet, and the Kings ofthe earth fhall revile him.
The proffes fhall be broken, and burnt throughout
the land, the reign of mystery ſhall be restored, the im
piety of reafon he at an end, and amongſt the vulgar
fhall be order, tranquillity, and defpair.
But the rich and powerful fhall blefs thee, and glo
rify that day, faying, " Let us eat, i drink, and W be
merry, for now we are fafe."
Deal with mankind as thou choofeft ; they were
created for thy pleaſure, thou heaven-born Sultan !
Thy wiſdom is beyond the wifdom of Mahomet,
thy greatnefs beyond his greatnefs ; he fhall become a
cipher in thy fight.
He fhall recreate himſelf in the bowers of Paradife
with the only houri of his heart ; he fhall chafe the
wild ſtag on the banks of the Euphrates, whilst thou
fhalt govern in his ſtead.
And thou shalt put words into his mouth, and he ſhall
utter them, and they fhall be of marvellous ftrange
import, which peradventure, had he been left to him
felf, he would never have ſpoken .
For thou shalt perfuade him to ſay that murder, ra
pine, and defolation , are just and neceffary, and to call
upon Providence for aid to exterminate a nation , whilst
the weak and difaffected fhall marvel with many mur
murs, and talk of a day of retribution .
But thou laugheft to fcorn all idle talkers, fecure in
the plenitude of thy power.
Ofublime
MUSTAPHA TO PITTANDER. " 309
O fublime Pittander ! firſt created of beings, how

wonderful alfo is thy memory !
For when it pleafeth thee, thou canst forget to re-.
member, or remember toforget !
"
But away with ferious thoughts, my fovereign !
My mafter relax the finews of thy mind, and enjoy
the luxuries of life.
The fplendid banquet is prepared for thee in the
Holy Wood, and Dundafophat awaits thee.
I will mix the rich bowls of fherbet with opium and
ftrong fpices, and I will pour therein abundance of
wine, when none fhall fee ; and thou fhalt drink there
af, and be exceeding glad.
When thou art drunk with the beverage of bliss , I
will lay thee on a couch of rofes, and leave thee to
" repoſe.
And I will watch all night in thy portal, left any
harm fhould come unto thee.
On the morrow I will awaken thee with new hymns
of delight- new fongs of ADORATION.
MUSTAPHA.
PART II.
WHY is thy brow overcaft, and why art thou

difquieted, great mafter of the univerfe ! can
forrow approach thy mightinefs, can the fufferings of
flaves difturb thy peace, or can the voice of general
indignation afflict thee ? Ah, no ! thou art more good
than goodnefs, more vaft than vaſtneſs, and more wife
than wifdom.
Though the leaders of thy janiffaries fhould defert
thee, though the thouſands and ten thoufands and mil
lions whom thou payeft, thould fly from thee, withdraw
but the light of thy countenance, and they fhall perish
everlaſtingly ; for who elfe can uphold them, magni
ficent Pittander!
Haft thou not fworn there fhall be no peace on earth ?
Thy
1
310 MUSTAPHA TO PITTÄNDER.
Thy right foot is on the ocean, and thy left foot is on

the land, and the lightning of thine eyes is the flaming
fword of a deſtroying angel .
Another million of human beings fhall be cut off! in the
pride and glory of youth they fhall die ; yea, every one :
O then be comforted !
The fun that riſeth in the eaſt hideth himſelf in the
weſtern wave at evening, and darkneſs overſhadoweth
him ; but thy meridian ſplendour is without end .
Let Loughboroboam *, the great law captain, contrive
the victories of thy power ; let him plan new fieges, fo
hall thy conqueft be fecure.
He fhall fcatter difmay amongſt thine enemies, he``
fhall march into the centre of their land, and lay their
chief city in the duft, and none thall deliver them ; but
the whole faction that oppofeth thee fhall be deftroyed ,
they fhall all be exterminated.
The fathers of families fhall be flain, the mother and
the virgin fhall be deflowered and put to death ;-even
fucking babes fhall not eſcape on that great and terrible
day; but thy ftrength and thy vengeance fhall be made
known unto all nations, and all men fhall honour thee,
thou moft fublime one !
Then the chief city of thy foes fhall be no more : its
palaces fhall become the dens of wild beafts, and there
the lonely pelican fhall breed, and the bittern and the
owl fhall abide there, and the fox and the wolf fhall
roam there ; all fhall be folitude, filence, and defolation .
Then fhall there be much feafting throughout thy
kingdom ; thy people fhall triumph, the great fhall re
joice, and the lowly fhall be full of joy - there fhall
be A JOY OF WILD affes.
And in thofe days Charlefox, who had impiouſly
dared to conteft thy will, fhall humble himfelf before
thee ; Sheridanezor fhall do homage unto thee-and
all the oppofites fhall hail 'thee.
Alluding to the Dunkirk expedition, fuppofed to have been

planned by Lord L---
But
But the lord their fultan is a jealous potentate : the
magnificent Pittander fhall wax wroth againſt them,'
and they fhall be thrown into utter darknefs, where
fhall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.
The river of thy rage fhall fweep them away ; -that
dreadful river, the river of thy rage.
F
And thoſe who have fpoken treafon against thee, and
who were yet fet free from before the judgment feat,
fhall be delivered over to the Recvites and the Whiteites,
and the Scotites and the Mitfordites, to be tormented
for ever..
The Adairians and the great Windhamite ſhall revile
them : now the latter fhall prophefy with much fury,
and he fhall call them innocent culprits, and acquitted
felons ; and thy people fhall laugh thereat and be exceed
ing merry.
Then Hardingias fhall come forth and fay, O people,
wherefore do ye laugh, and why are ye exceeding
merry ? Behold, and lo, it was not the great Windhamite
who fpake thefe words, but it was I myſelf, even I.
Moreover it was I who did utter thefe words,
" Perish commerce ," and though, peradventure, ye
fhould have heard the great Windhamite fpeak them, be
not difmayed : your ears deceived you- evil communi
cations corrupt good manners.
Now it fhall come to pafs, that as Hardingias repre
fenteth only two flaves, he therefore fhall not dread their
rebuke, he fhall not be confounded.
Then the multitude, who are like unto a herd offwine,
fhall grunt and murmur, ' and not believe.
O how glorious art thou, omnipotent Pittander ! how
wonderful are thy ways ! When thou paffeft through
the groves of Mecca I will kifs the impreffion of thy
feet upon the duft, I will gaze upon thee with admira
tion till I faint, I will die in adoring thee.
Mr. Hardinge fathered thofe remarkable words, which it after

wards appeared were certainly fpoken by Mr. W.
The
The holy Mahomet fuftaineth thee, for thou offereft

up to him daily frankincenfe, and flattery, and myrrh ;
gold alfo and precious jewels to the only houri of his
heart. The mighty prophet leaveth the chaſe of beaſts
in the black foreft, that he may commune with thee.
Thou art favoured beyond the fons of men.
For, lo ! he hath appointed thee his vice-gerent upon
earth. And thou fhalt come forward with chariots,
and with horfes, and much people, and thou ſhalt
ftand upon a pinnacle of glory, and ſhalt fwear with a
loud voice, as when a lion roareth, that Libertyſhall be
no more!
But, O my fovereign, my protector, and my joy !
why art thou art an enemy to the delights oflove ?
Throw afide thy maiden coynefs, and raiſe up feed
to do thee honour : fo, fhall thy feed be more nu
merous than the fands ofthe fea, or the ſtars of the fir
mament.
And I will bring unto thee a young virgin of Cir
caffia, whofe poliſhed ſkin ſhall be more white than the
tooth ofthe elephant ..
Her two breafts fhall be bunches of ripe grapes that
wait for the preffing :
And her breath fhall be a morning zephyr in the
citron grove, when the birds begin to pair, and the
fpring appeareth :
And her copious treffes fhall be like the beams of
the young moon, when the peepeth over the great
waters:
And the kiffes of her lips fhall be like pure honey
taken from the cedars of Mount Lebanon .
O turn not away from her with difdain , reject not
the tranſport of her embraces, indulge the longings of
her heart !
For the poffeffion of her charms fhall give a tender
nefs to thy nature, and humanize thy foul.
Then the miracle of thy prowefs fhall be wafted to
the
MUSTAPHA TO PITTANDER. 313
the uttermoft parts of the fea, and all the tribes of the
earth fhall be glad.
And Dundafophat fhall glorify thee for thy good
deeds, omnipotent Pittander! and there fhall be much
feafting and wine -bibbing in the Holy Wood, becauſe of
the day of thy greatnefs.
•
Wilt thou not liften to the prayer of thy flave? Con
fider that the number of thy days is nearly thirty and
fix years, and it is time thou fhouldft learn to love.
Even the mighty Mahomet is himself a progenitor ;
has he not much iffue ?
The murder of millions, the overthrow of liberty,
and the deftruction of a nation, will not fo confole thee
as the foft preffure ofbeauty in the bowers of bliss .
Let me then fly upon the wings of the winds, and
"
bring her to thine arms.
And filence ſhall guard thy chamber, and the gales
of night fhall be hushed to fleep, during the feafon of
thy myfteries .
When the morning breaketh, I will fing unto you
both a new fong ; I will heartily rejoice in the ftrength
of thy mightiness.
So fhall I have a new title to the world's efteem, fo
fhall I find a place of comfort for my age.
Glory be to thee, fublime Sultan till time fhall be
no more.
MUSTAPHA.
PART III.
MIGHTY Lord of all things, moſt excellent
Pittander ! have compaflion on the forrows ofthy
flave ; alas ! his adoring heart is torn with anguith,
and his foul fickens with defpair ; for, lo ! his flumbers
haye been visited by affliction, and his deep fleep by a
terrible vifion.
Now it came to pafs, that as I lay upon my couch
in the night feafon, the likeness of a giant flood before
me ; and his limbs were of adamant, and his head was
VOL. I. P of
314 MUSTAPHA TO PITTANDER.
of pure gold, and he cried with a dreadful voice, fay

ing, I am Mankind.
And I looked up and beheld his breaft, which was of
cryſtal, and his heart, which was of fire ; in his left
hand he bore a brauch of olive, in his right hand was
a deftroying fword.
On his brows he wore a cap of fcarlet cloth, on
which was written, Peace, goodwill towards men, and
liberty to the world.
Then my fpirit trembled with affright, and the hair
of my fleſh ſtood up.
As he fpake, his countenance became like the coun
tenance of an houri, and he faid unto me, Awake,
Muftapha, arife thou flave ! for thine eyes are opened,
and many marvels fhall be revealed unto thee.
Then I looked forward, and beheld an immenfe
continent at a diftance, and methought it was called
Europe.
And mighty armies were in motion, and there was
a dreadful carnage, with groans and howlings and be
wailings.
On a fudden I faw divers kings, arrayed in purple
and fine linen, with crowns of precious ftones upon
their heads ; and they marched forward with innume
rable hofts, that they might conquer and deftroy.
And I heard the prancing of their horſe- hoofs, and
the found of timbrels, and the fhouts of triumph, as
they ruſhed onward in the fury of their pride .
Then they fell upon a fingle nation, which was with
out a king, that they might bind the people in fetters
of iron, vanquish opinion by the fword, and divide the
land amongst themselves.
Moreover fundry ftrong cities fubmitted to their
power, and many thoufands were maffacred, and wo
men and children, and aged perfons, were flaughtered,
and' divers war-fhips were burnt ; and on every fide
was treachery, and fire and defolation .
Now the Kings who were combined againſt the fin
gle
MUSTAPHA TO PITTANder. 315
gle nation, glorified themfelves,"" faying, " Yea, verily,

this people alfo fhall have a King.'
Then the giant ftretched out his right arm, and
fmote the earth with • his fword, and fhouted vehe
mently " Come forth, my armies."
And in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, the
whole nation was in arms, even every man from the age
offixteen to fixty ; and they haftened to meet the Kings,
and to give them battle.
They took alfo with them fulphur and brimftone,
and javelins, and fpears, and fcimitars, and all the im
plements of war.
The neighing of their war-horfes rent the air, their
fongs of victory mounted the ſkies.
Before them went a Spirit of Light, whofe eyes were
two funs, whofe voice was the mufic of the fpheres,
and whofe name was Liberty.
And when the thrill clangour of their trumpets rat-'
tled in the gale - when the threatenings of the hoft
were heard, the many Kings were feized with a deadly
fear, and they fled in horror and diſmay.
Yea, their immenfe armies where every where dif
comfited, they were driven to the caft and to the weft,
to the north and to the fouth ; they perished miferably
by thoufands, and the birds of the air and the beasts of
the field devoured them.
Then the fingle nation took unto iffelf the territories
which had been conquered from the many Kings, and
gave freedom to the inhabitants thereof, who rejoiced
thereat with exceedingjoy.
And again I looked, and faw afar off an ifland in the
northern fea ; its ports were full of fhips, its furface
was covered with abundance, yet its wealth and its
commerce were for the advantage of the few, while
the many were in want, in fubjection , and defpair.
But, O my Sovereign, my Guide, how may 1 make
known unto thee the fequel of my vifion ?
For as I gazed, even thou thyself, fublime Pittander,
wert prefented to my view, feated on a throne of ful
P2 phur,
316 MUSTAPHA TO PITTAnder .
phur, with a rod of iron in thy hand ; and, lo ! I heard

thee utter theſe words : " This people is my people, their
÷
treafures are my treafures- My will be done."
" Go forth, my people ! and fubdue the fingle nation
that hath humbled the many Kings ; for as my foul
liveth, itshall be overcome.".
" Now it is written, that ſociety to be civilized muft
be enflaved, tranquillity and order must be enforced by
deftruction and alarm , and our holy religion must be
eftablished by blood.
" And the treafures of my people fhall not be fpared,
until the words of my mouth have been fulfilled . "
Then methought the great Windhamite who was
befide thee, with exultation cried out, " Perish the
profperity of the world, fo our high places he ſecure. ”
Moreover Dundafophat, and Loughboroboam, and.
all the Majoritites who had found favour in thy fight,
exclaimed with one accord, " Amen, fo be it !"
Now it came to pafs, that the inhabitants of the
inland were poffeffed by an evil spirit : and the name of
the evil spirit was Lucre. And they moved forward in
madneſs and in fury to exterminate the fingle nation ,
and they affaulted it by famine, by corruption , and by
the fword . Nevertheleſs the fingle nation fmote them
forely in the prefumption of their pride, drove them
backward with fhame, and triumphed over them . Then
throughout that iſland was remorſe, with murmurings
and lamentation .
But at the found of the murmurs thou didst wax
wroth, and didft feize thofe who uttered lamentations,
and didft caufe them to be bound in chains, fent to the
uttermoft parts of the earth, or caft into the burning
fiery furnace which had been prepared for all men who
put not their truft in thee.
" Verily, verily, " didft thou fay unto them, " foraf
much as ye have erred in your hearts, and have not
- known my ways, neither have hearkened to my words,
but have received my commandments with complaint,
fo
4
fo fhall ye every one be chattifed and tormented, and
there fhall be no falvation amongst you." *.i poved
Then fuddenly there appeared an immenfe multi
tude, that advanced with much clamour and terrible
indignation, and they were even like unto fwine./
And the Swinith Multitude cried out and , faid,
" Where is this Pittander, who would not hearkento
our complaints in the hour of our tribulation ? We
afked for peace, and he gave us¹war-we called for re
formation, and he gave us a fcourge we demanded
juftice, and he laughed us to fcorn -Away with him,
away with him !
" The Lord our King is merciful, and of loving
kindness ; him will we honour and obey , by the laws
of our forefathers alſo will we abide, but the injuries
and infults of Pittander we will not endure; "
" Inafmuch as he would not give ear to the voice of
our prayer, but fent fpies into our habitations, and in
formers to watch over us, and becauſe he fufpended the
laws which had been made for our protection, and
ruled us by artifice, and cruelty, and corruption ; fo
fhall he be delivered over to rebuke, and juftice fhall
overtake him .
" Thofe likewife who have aided his projects, and
thoſe who have ſpoken bitter things against us, fhall
account for their mifdeeds ; and, moreover, the mutes
fhall not be forgotten ."
Then methought that thou, omnipotent Pittander !
wert fricken with fear, and thy cheeks were wet with
the dew of trepidation ; and all the minifters of thy
wrath, and all the Alarmifts who infeſted that iſland,
began in verity to be alarmed. 27.11. 0.2
And the great Windamite did unfay the words he
uttered in the glory of his power ; but no man heeded
him , and no man pitied him.
For the feafon ofjargon was gone and paſt, the reign
of reafon was begun .
After this, my protector, my joy ! I faw thee no
P3 more ;
more; even the Majoritites, and thoſe who had found

favour in thy fight, diſappeared ; but there was a loud
outcry, with much agitation, and a terrible trampling
of the hoofs of fwine.
And, lo ! thy people did fet themſelves againſt the deeds
that thou hadft done, and gave laud unto Charlefox,
unto Sheridanezor, unto Greyhoiachim, and the Op
pofites.
The multitude alfo fhouted with one accord, faying,
"6 Glory be to Stanthopijah the Good, for he likewife is our
friend."
Then the giant that ftood befide me took the olive
bough that was in his left hand, and planted it in the
earth, and it fprang up, and became a mighty tree,
the branches whereof extended to the remoteft corners
of the world, and the people of all nations fought re
fuge under its foliage.
And there was peace, and merriment, and happi
nefs, and fraternity amongst men.
Having beheld thefe wonders, the vifion paffed from
before mine eyes, and I found myſelf awake upon my
couch .
But, O magnificent Pittander ! be not offended with
'thy flave, for dreams are idle fancies, which the fool
alone regardeth .
7 ...The whole earth is thine, and all the inhabitants
thereof; be not caft down, for thy power is for ever
and ever . 8
Even as thou haft fworn, fo fhall it come to paſs ;
the liberties of mankind fhall perish.
Then haften to the Holy Wood with rejoicing, and
there fhall be facrifices, and banquetings, and burnt
offerings.
The young maiden from Circaffia fhall gaze on thee
with dove's eyes till thy fenfes faint amidſt delight ;
fountains of wine fhall flow round thee.
And thy paths fhall be ftrewed with rofes, 1 and
myrtles, and caffia, and rich odours.
Nor
GILES JOLLUP AND SALLY GREEN. 319
Nor fhall my Hymns of adoration be wanting to confole
thee: for evermore will I glorify thy name.
MUSTAPHA
GILES JOLLUP THE KNAVE, AND BROWN

SALLY GREEN.
A ROMANCE , BY M. G. LEWIS .
A DOCTOR fo grave
Hob-a-nobb'd in and
fomea right
virgin fo bright:
marafquin
They fwallow'd the cordial with trueft delight :
Giles follup the Knave wasjust five feetin height,
Andfourfeet the Brown Sally Green.
(6
" And as," faid Giles Jollup, to -morrow I go
To phyfic afeverish land,
At fome fixpenny hop, or perhaps the mayor's fhow,
You'll tumble in love with fome ſmart city beau,
And with him ſhare your ſhop in the Strand."
" Lord ! how can you think fo?" Brown Sally Green faid ;
" You muſt know mighty little of me ;、
For if you be living, or if you be dead,
I fwear, 'pon my honour, that none in your ftead
' Shall huſband of Saily Green be.
" And if e'er I, by love or by wealth led aſide,
Am falfe to Giles Jollup the Knave,
God grant, that at dinner too amply ſupplied
Over- eating may give me a pain in my fide;
May your ghoft then bring rhubarb to phyfic the bride,
And fend her well dos'd to the grave."
To Jamaicathe Doctor now haften'dforgold;
Sally wept till fhe blew her nofe fore ;
Yet fcarce had a twelvemonth elaps'd, when , behold,
A Brewer quite ftylish, his gig that way roll'd,
And ſtopp'd it at Sally Green's door.
His barrels, his bungs, and his brafs-headed cane,
Soon made her untrue to her vows,
The ftream offmall beerfoon bewilder'd her brain ;
He caught her while tipfy ; denials were vain ;
So carried her home as his fpoufe.
4 P4 Liai dx And
320 GILES JOLLUP AND SALLY GREEN.
And now the roast beefhad been blefs'd by the prieſt,

To cram now the guests had begua ;
Tooth and nail, like a wolf, fell the bride on the feaſt.
Nor yet had the claſh of her knife and fork ceas'd
When a bell ('t was the "duftman's) , toll'd " On
Then firft with amazement Brown Sally Green found,
That a ftranger was ftuck by her fide :
His cravat and his ruffles with fnuff were embrown'd ;
He ate not, he drank not, but, turning him round,
Sent fome pudding away to be fried.
His wig was turn'dforwards, andfhort was his height ;
His apron was dirty to view: ·
The women ( oh wondrous ! ) were hufh'd at the fight,
The cats as they ey'd him drew back (well they might),
For his body was pea-green and blue.
Now as all wifh'd to ſpeak, but none knew what to fay,
They look'd mighty foolith and queer:
At lengthSpoke the lady with trembling " I pray,
Dear fir , that your per uke afide you wouldbay,
Andpartake offomeftrong orfmall leer."
The bride fhuts, her fly-trap ; the ftranger complies,
Andhis wigfrom his phiz deigns to pull.
Adzooks ! what a fquall Sally gave through furprif !
Like a pig that was ftuck, how the open'd her eyes,
When the recognis'd Jollup's bare fkull !
Each mifs then exclaim'd while fhe turn'd upher frout,
" Sir, your head isn't fit to be feen !"
The pot-boys ran in, and the pot boys ran out,
And couldn't conceive what the noife was about,
While the Doctor addrefs'd Sally Green.
“ Behold me, thou jilt-flirt ! behold me," he cried ;
" I'm Jollup, whom fome call the Knave!
God grant that, to punifh your falfehood and pride,
You should feel at this moment a pain in your fide
Quick, fwallow this rhubarb ! I'll phyfic the bride,
And fend her well dos'd to the grave !"
Thus faying, the phyfic her throat he forc'd down,
In fpite of whate'er the could fay ;
Then bore to his chariot the maiden fo brown,
Nor ever again was fhe feen in that town,
Orthe Doctor, who whiſk'd her away.
Not
THE GREEN ASS . 321
Not long liv'd the Brewer, and none fince that time
To inhabit the brewhoufe prefume ;
For old women fay, that, byorderfublime,
There Sally Green fuffers the pain of her crime,
And bawls to get out of the room.
At midnight four times in each year does her ſprite
With flirieks make the chamber refound :
" I won't take the rhubarb !" the fqualls in affright,
While, a cup in his left hand, a draught in his right,
Giles Jollup purſues her around.
With wigs fo well powder'd, twelve doctors fo grave,
Dancing hornpipes around them are ſeen ;
They drink chicken broth, and this horrible ſtave
Is twang'd through each nofe, " To Giles Jollup the Knave,
And his patient, the fick Sally Green !"
THE GREEN AS S.
MR. EDITOR ,
WITH your permiffion I will tell you a fhort story :
A widow fomewhat advanced in years, had, in
order to footh her forrows for the lofs of her first
huſband, refolved to take a fecond. A fmart young
fellow in the neighbourhood fo occupied her thoughts,
that the made a female friend the confidant of her de
termination, provided that any means could be found
to filence the tittle-tattle of the town on fo difpropor
tionate a connexion . “ Nothing fo eafy,” replied the
friend; " t is true you will be ridiculed ; you will be the
fubject of ballads and epigrams for a fortnight ; but in
a month you and your marriage will be as little at
tended to as last year's almanack. I will engage even
that yonder jack-afs on the common fhall be the means
of quieting the tongues of fcandal in a few hours . ".
" A jack- afs filence fcandal ? You jeft, fure. " No,
I am perfectly in earneft ; therefore marry as foon as
you pleafe, and leave the reft to me."
The widow required no very urgent remonftrances to
P 5 induce
322 THE GREEN ASS.
induce her to comply with her inclination . The cere

mony was performed, and all the wags of the neigh
bourhood were affembled round about the door of the
happy couple, to indulge their raillery and mirth. In
the midft of the merriment, an afs comes fuddenly
round the corner, of the colour of a parroquet. The
nuptial door is deferted, and every eye and tongue is
engaged on this prodigy. A green afs ! who the de-l
could have thought of fuch a firange production :
where, in the name of wonder, could it come from ?
" From Greenland, to be fure," fays the barber of the
village, who had been a traveller, or elfe from the
Cape de Verd ; I remember feeing a herd of them ; they
are as green as grafs while they are young, but turn as
yellow as faffron when they are old."- Depend upon
it," fays an old woman, " this green afs portends
fome miſchief ; I remember myfelf a white black
bird appearing when I was a girl, and that fame year
there was a rot among the fheep, and the weathercock
on the church fteeple was ftruck by lightning. "
The widow's friend, in fhort, completely gained her
point ; and the green afs fo effectually employed the
attention of the neighbourhood, that the wedding was
as much forgot as if it had never been performed.
7
But a ftory, Mr. Editor, is but a barren rhapfody,
unless it admits of an application . The minifterial
fcribblers, then, act the part of the widow's friend, and
Lady Jerfey is the green afs. If ill-timed and ill - com
bined meafures produce their neceflary effects - misfor
tune and difafter ; if the public indignation is roufed
at expeditions madly concerted and ruinoufly con
ducted ; if all the minifterial prophecies turn out to be
abfurd and childish chimeras, a moft effectual method
is ingenioufly adopted by two of the hireling prints,
to divert the public mind from theſe calamitous objects,
by a column of paragraphs on the conduct of Lady
Jerfey. This is fo palpable an artifice, that it is really
aftonishing how long the nation has fuffered itſelf to
be
SONG BY CAPTAIN MORRICE . 323
be the dupe of it ; or that it has never occurred to
them, that the whole of this repetition of abuſe and
ridicule on the character of an individual, while Europe
is teeming with portentous and dire events, is nothing
more than the fecond edition of
THE GREEN Ass.
SONG
SUNG ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF MR . FOX'S BIRTH- DAY,
BY CAPTAIN MORRICE.
THE HE rifing Sun of Freedom, with radiant juſtice crown'd,

Now bursts in bright effulgence, and ſpreads its bleffings .
round ;
Creation's fons rejoicing, receive the welcome light,
While God unchains the fetter'd world, and Nature claim's her
right.
CHORUS.
Then hail celeſtial Liberty ! fly round this mortal fphere,
And in thy bleft redeeming courſe, unchain thy children bere.
Soon o'er this fuff'ring ifland, in Freedom once fo bleft,
This vital beam returning, fhall cheer the Briton's breaſt;
Vain is the impious arm of pow'r, or craft of tott'ring pride,,
To ftop the heav'n-directed ray, or turn its courfe aſide.
Though foul Corruption's bafenefs hath fold our ifle to woe,
Though deeds of dire deſtruction awhile have laid us low ; ,
The hour comes on, when Britain's fons their bleffings fhall
regain,
And hard Oppreffion's iron rod be broken here again.
Through each eventful æra, that founds in Britiſh fong,
To Roman, Saxon, Norman, Dane, whoe'er the fway be
long,
Still ftruggling Freedom retlefs burn'd, unconquer'd by:
control,
And, while the body bent to fate, more firmly rofe the foul.
It matters not what fafeguard the tools of pow'r deviſe,
Swords, edicts, chains, or bribes, on which ſtill tyrant fway
relies ;
They feel their coming fate, and know, though force up
holds their guilt,
One British moment ſtrikes to duft the works their fears have
built.
P 6 E'en
324 SONG BY CAPTAIN MORRICE.
E'en in this deadly moment, when force and fraud com

bin'd,
Have Hopp'd the breath of Freedom, and broke the British
mind;
The buried fpark, retouch'd by Heav'n, and piercing
through the ftrife,
Shall from the grave of Freedom burſt, and light us back to
life!
'Tis thus the God of Britain in danger ever faves,
Still Fate renew's our Freedom, when tyrants doom us flaves.
They crush her in our vices down ; but, when our virtues
join,
John ferves her caufe on Runnymede, and James upon the
Boyne.
Oh ! give me life, ye powers, that happy hour to meet,
When ftrangled Freedom breathes again, in this her ancient
feat ;
When, 'ſtead of tame degen'rate floth, the patriot flame
infpires,
And Britiſh bofoms glow again with all their fathers' fires .
Oft-times I view in fancy, the burfling blaze expand,
And fee th' electric fpirit fly like lightning o'er the land ;
See all the jealous fervour rage, the virtuous tumult roar,
And hear th' avenging phalanx fay, Thus food our fires
before.
Then cheer'd by Britiſh ftory, let's meet the coming day,
When Heav'n's correcting mercy fhall fcourge the fiends
away ;
A breath can blaft their tyranny, a touch unloofe the chain,
And when they fall, as fall they must, we live redeem'd
again.
Oh Liberty ! from traitors avert our country's death !
Watch o'er this natal moment, that gave thy champion
breath,
Preferve through England's dangers this great, this Britiſh
mind,
And, ' nft the difmal wreck offlate, leave Fox tofave man
kind.
"
1.1 "
A JOURNAL
( 325 )
A JOURNAL OF EVENTS,
WHICH WE MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED , IF THE JACOBIN
PARTY HAD SUCCEEDED IN THEIR ATTEMPTS TO OVER
THROW THE GOVERNMENT OF THIS COUNTRY FOR A
WEEK .
1st July, 1794.
HIS
THIS day Cit ize n C*** reported to the Britiſh
Convention , that he had difcovered a diftant rela
tion of royalty, whom the Committee of Public Safety
had negligently overlooked . Refolved, That he be im
mediately delivered over to the Revolutionary Tribunal .
Several clergymen , who had been detected in the act
of preaching the Gofpel, were included in the fame
refolution .
*
2d July. Margaret White, aged 79, was guillo
tined with forty-feven others. Her crime was of the
blackeft nature ; in having given relief to three of her
grandchildren, who were in a ſtate of accufation .
3d July. The Convention received the report of
the ftate of the prifons ; when it appearing that no
more prifoners could poffibly be contained in them,
ordered, That on Wedneſday next a gaol - delivery take:
place ; to be conducted by two commiffioners ap
pointed by the republic, who fhall decide whom it is
proper to fpare, and whom it is proper to guillotine.
Their power of mercy not to extend to fuch as are
defcended from peers, or bear the family name of any
fuch peers, nor to thofe who have any property, real
or perfonal, in the ftate ; and that in the mean time
all criminals who fhall be apprehended be confined in
the Temple of Liberty.
4th July. The peft- fields (formerly Carnaby Mar
ket) were open to receive the bodies of fuch as had
been guillotined the preceding week, the people having
more occafion for burying- places than markets . The
heat of the weather confpiring with the carnage to
infect the air, great danger of a plague.
6th
AL S
326 A JOURN OF EVENT .
6th July.-Fifty-four perfons guillotined . A hair

dreffer apprehended for an attempt to attain fove
reignty ; which was clearly proved from his having
been heard to fay, that he had gained a crown that
day by dreffing fome of the Convention . The Revo
lutionary Tribunal enjoined to make ftrict fearch for
thofe members who had confpired to advance this man
to the throne.
6th July.-- Loud complaints for want of provifions.
An addrefs from Sh - d, praying that the Conven
tion would take fuch meafures as in their wifdom they
thought beft, to annihilate all thoſe who complain of
want of any kind, and that they would decree poverty
a counter-revolutionary quality. A mutiny among
the foldiers : quelled by doubling their pay.
――――
7th July. The national commiffioners proceeded
to execute their office : liberated feven , ordered for
execution four hundred and feventy, who were
guillotined in the courfe of fix hours and a half.
Thanks voted to the public executioner for his zeal
and diſpatch . Eight thoufand more of the French
landed, to take poffeffion of thofe towns which were
granted them by treaty, for their affiftance in the re
volution. The people very clamorous-Fresh rumours ,
of plots-A riot in the city-A rifing in the North
A defcent in the Weft-Confufions , uproars, coin
mitments, guillotinings, &c. &c.-Tom Paine ap
pointed dictator for the prefent.
Tu Jupiter, quem ftatorem hujus urbis atque imperii
vere nominavimus, Hunc et Hujus focios, a tuis aris ce
terifque templis, a tectis urbis, ac moenibus, a vita
fortunifque civium omnium, arcebis ; et omnes bono
rum inimicos, hoftes patriæ, latrones Italiæ, fcelerum
fœdere inter fe, ac nefaria focietate conjunctos, æternis
fuppliciis vivos, mortuofque mactabis.
CICERO IN CATILINAM ..
BEAR
( 327- ~) ~~
BEAR-LEADING .
7 SIR,
I KNOW not whether it hath ever happened in your
1
lot, but I am perfuaded it hath happened often in
that of many of your correfpondents, to fill the ho
nourable and neceffary office of bear-leader. If you
have, you will fully comprehend the expediency of the
plan I am about to propofe.
But in cafe there fhould be any of your readers fo
deplorably ignorant as not to underſtand what I mean
by a bear-leader, give me leave to explain the mean
ing of the term. A bear-leader, then, is a good-na
tured inhabitant of London, who receives once a year,
or perhaps oftener, a vifit from half a dozen country
coufins ; whom he is under the neceffity: of accom
panying to all public amufements, and to whom he
nuft fhew all public exhibitions, between Weftminſter
Abbey and Greenwich Hofpital one way, and between
Vauxhall and Sadler's Wells the other way. He muft
attend them every day and night during their ſtay in
town , whatever other engagements of bufinefs, &c.
may be preffing ; and all this he muft do with the
greateſt pleaſure and good humour imaginable ; albeit,
any appearance to the contrary notwithstanding, he
withes them all at the d-), and regrets that they did
not break their necks in coming to town.
Such , Sir, is a bear- leader. Now, Sir, it will not
require much eloquence to prove that this is, to a
citizen of London particularly, a very inconvenient
and troublefome office. For, Sir, not to fpeak of the
lofs of time, and of the expenfe, there are very few
men in London qualified for the office, from another
confideration ; namely, their not having feen the fights
themselves. And I hold it as very found doctrine, that
a man who has never feen 2 the infide of St. Paul's or
the Abbey, is very ill qualified to fhew them to
ftrangers ; efpecially as ftrangers are apt to aſk quef
tions,
328 BEAR -LEADING .
tions, and it appears very awkward not to be able to

fatisfy the demands of curiofity about matters with
which we are prefumed, from local habitation , to
have a perfect acquaintance. If to this you will add
what I have already hinted, refpecting the lofs of
time and bufinefs (very ferious things to a man who
knows what pounds, fhillings, and pence mean) , I
hope you will agree with the plan I am about to pro
pofe,
There are very many idle gentlemen and ladies
about town, who are at a great lofs to diſpoſe of their
time, and whofe means are but fcanty : I would have
a few ofthe moſt public ſpirited, and beſt informed of
them, obtain a charter, incorporating them as the
Worshipful Company of Bear-leaders . All ftrangers
who wish to fee fights fhould have only to fend to
their office, or hall, informing the clerk that they
want a bear-leader for the day, or the week, or any
given time. This bear- leader to attend the faid ftran
gers to all public places; and point out to them what
is worthy to be feen ; or, what is often as great an
object of curiofity, what is not worthy to be feen .
Their reward ought to be a per centage out of the
money paid at the doors of all public places ; or in
cafes where no money is demanded, as in cafes of
fhopping, attending auctions, or a fail on the river,
fo much per hour.
It is incredible what a relief fuch a fociety would
be to the quiet and induſtrious inhabitants of London ;
and how much more glad they would be to fee their
country friends upon fuch terms. Befides, confider
the many advantages a fenfible, well-informed, and
handfome-looking bear-leader might enjoy, by being
the Ciceroni to a rich country family. But this by
the by.
2
Nor let it be thought that the office of bear-leader
would difgrace any of the ladies and gentlemen I have
propofed
BEAR- LEADING . 329
propofed to fill it. Befides its dignity and importance,

it would neceffarily require a great deal of knowledge,
hiftorical, political, civil, military, and religious. The
bear-leader ought, for example, to know the hiſtory
of all thofe famous philofophers, generals, admirals,
divines, poets, &c. whofe monuments are in Weſt
minſter Abbey ; and be able to tell, what few of them
felves perhaps could tell, if they were living- how they
came there!
He ought to be, likewife, a tolerable architect ; at
leaft he ought to know a cornice from a cupola ; and
not talk, as the old woman at Blenheim uſed to do,
who, fpeaking of the houſe, ſaid that the vings were
thought not to be portioned to the diffenter.
His knowledge of painting, too, ought to be con
fiderable. It is thocking to hear the Ciceronis in our
noblemen's houſes, talking of Paul Varnish, Hannibat
Scratch-eye, and of a piece done by Michael and the
Angel. and È , a vlanica MESA
But it would be endleſs to recount all the qualifica
tions of this office. For brevity's fake, I thall jult
mention that he ought to be as much of a herald as to
know " what nobleman's coach that is 'paffing ; " and
as much of a man of conſequence as to know " who
that's juft paffing
that is with the far and the glafs eye
through Piccadilly !" Country people like mightily to
fee a lord; and if they have had the good fortune to
peep at a couple of dukes, or a prince, it is fomething
to talk about when they return home. Nor ought a
bear-leader to be devoid of religion. He ought to
know the names of all the churches, who is the best
preacher, and where the best organ is. He ought like
wife to be acquainted with the faints from whom they
take their names, and be able to defcant with great
fluency on St. Margaret Paitens, and St. Andrew Un-`
derfhaft; and it would do him fome credit were he able
to tell who St. Sepulchre was.
Buty
330 EXISTING CIRCUMSTANCES .
. But, Mr. Baldwin, as I perceive I have exceeded

the ufual bounds of my epiftolary efforts, I conclude,
and am, Sir, yours, &c.
A RETIRED BEAR-LEADER.
BATSTANDESVIRGINIABEADPREVENT
EXISTING CIRCUMSTANCES.
FRANCE has made peace with Spain, they fay,
Good lack-a-day !
Britain will not make peace, they ſay,
Good lack- a-day !
Then let us fight, John Bull will pay,
Good lack-a-day !
The Ruffian fleet is on its way,
Good lack-a-day !
France will be conquer'd yet, they ſay,
Good lack-a-day !
Ireland is angry and uneafy,
1
Good lack-a-daiſy !
Lord Moira furely must be crazy,
1 Good lack- a-daify !
The times are bad, the weather hazy,
Good lack-a-daiſy !
Poor men can't wear a powder'd jazey,
1 Good lack-a-daify !
The poor are ſtarv'd, the rich are lazy,
Good lack-a-daify !
When will profperity and peace come back ?
No man can tell, good lack, good lack !
CRAMBO .
LOTTERY PROPHETS.
[From the True Briton.]
-Corniger Hammon
Et dudum taciti rupere filentiæ Delphi. CLAUDIAN.
SIR,
S this is the feafon of infurance, in which fortunes
AS
are promiſed to the bold and the confident, I with
to be ſatisfied, if any of your readers can inform me on
what foundation it is fafeft to rely for fuccefs, and
which
LOTTERY PROPHETS. 331
which of the various modes of difcovering a lucky
number has been found moft profitable by thoſe who
have adopted it. I am ignorant whether the vifions
of the day be entitled to more reſpect than the dream's
of the night ; whether it be better, in the purfuit's of
chance, to be watchful, or to flumber ; and though I
have ſeen ſomething of the effects of each ftate, I am
yet unable to balance their advantages or difadvantages .
Among thoſe who are awake to their intereft, my
footman Thomas deferved the foremoſt rank . No
action in life, which comprehended a figure in it, was
۲,
indifferent to him ; but his ruin was decided by the
crofs pofition of a knife and fork on the plate of a ma
thematician . Nothing could be more obvious than
that the Roman numeral X was here intended to be
repreſented and thus diftinguifhed by the communi
cation of the fates, he expended fo much of his own
and of my property on the Pythagorean 8 number 10,
that, like Pythagoras himself, he was forced to run
away from home. His fucceffor faw wealth revealed
to him in two parallel filver fpoons, which he inter
preted, according to the Arabic table of ciphers, to
fignify No. 11 ; but the oracle failed , and he found,
in the profecution of his golden views, that my fpoons
could be more ufefully employed than merely as types
and fymbols. The reverend curate of our parish
preached a fermon on the following Sunday, in which
he inveighed againſt the danger of this epidemic dif
temper : and if his fermon wrought little, he had no
reafon to complain that his text was unobferved ; for
it was carefully noted down by my fervants, and my
cook infured the number of the chapter, my houfe
maid that of the verfe. Nor is their ill fuccefs men
tioned in the neighbourhood, without fome reflection
on the Parfon for his ignorance, or his malignity,
in thus miſleading thoſe who " placed confidence in
him.
In the houſe oppofite to my own, the night is the
timo
332 LOTTERY PROPHETS.
time of fairy inftruction . No one there lies down to

fleep who does not hope to be diſturbed by dreams and
calculations : repofe is not there the object of going to
bed. Their walls are chalked with illegible charac
ters, which it is the labour of the day to decipher ;
yet I do not hear that they have been more lucky than
their lefs laborious competitors, who work only in the
day-time. A dream fometimes mifcarries, because the
dreamer lay on his left fide ; fometimes becauſe he had
negligently turned , on his back. It is fometimes with
out effect, becaufe the figures cannot be read ; and at
other times it is mifinterpreted from their doubtful
pofition.
There is a third clafs of infurers, who; neither
trufting to the delufions of the day, nor the night, woo
a particular number by long attachment and unfhaken
conftancy. Thus 8 is preferred by fome, becauſe it
is the ſmalleſt cube, and 9 by others for its myſtic
properties. The folly of thefe perfons, if not inno
cent in its confequences to them, is at leaft venial from
authority. The quincunx of Brown has furniſhed thè
world with motives for admiring No. 5 ; and Macro
bius wastes the time of his reader in monstrous com
mendations. of No. 7. But left I may miſlead your
readers into partiality for this number, let me obſerve
that one of the reafons why Macrobius is enraptured
with it, is, becaufe it is compofed of 1 with 6, and 2
with 5 , and 3 with 4, each of which numbers, fays
the learned author, is perfect in itfelf, and has its parti
cular merits.
I am well aware of the difficulty of deciding between
fuch contrary fyftems ; but I doubt not that fome of
your correfpondents will furnish me with a motive of
preference ; and as I live in a village where all can
prophefy on this abftrufe fubje& t , I am unwilling to
appear lefs learned or lefs confident, than my neigh
bours. B. A.
LETTER
( 333 )
37 LETTER FROM DR. FRANKLIN TO MADAME B **.
WRITTEN AT PASSEY, NEAR PARIS .
YOU perhaps recollect , Madam, when we lately
fpent fo happy a day in the delightful gardens of
Moulin Joli , with the amiable fociety who refided
there, that I ftopped in one of the walks , and per
mitted the company to pafs on without me.
Jeth We had been fhewn an infinite number of dead flies "
th of the ephemeron fpecies, the fucceffive generations of
which, it is faid, are born and die in the fame day.
I happened to perceive, on a leaf, a living family
‫ رانا‬engaged in converfation . You know, Madam, I un
" derftand the language spoken by every fpecies of ani
mals inferior to our own ; and the very clofe applica
tion I give to the ftudy of them, is perhaps the beft
excufe I can offer for the little proficiency I have made
in your charming language.
Curiofity led me to liften to the converfation of thefe
100 little creatures ; but, from the vivacity peculiar to their
nation, three or four of them ſpoke at once, and I
could fcarcely learn any thing from their difcourfe. I
understood, however, from fome broken fentences
which I caught now and then, that they were warmly
difputing about the merit of two foreign musicians, à
drone and a gnat ; and that they appeared to ſpend
their time in thefe debates with as little concern for
the brevity of life, as if they had been fure of living
fa for a whole month. " Happy people !" faid I to
"
myfelf, you certainly live under a wife, equitable,
and moderate government ; fince no public grievances
e call forth your complaints, and your only fource
of difpute is the perfection or imperfection of foreign
mufic."
13 I left them foon after, in order to obferve an aged
ephemeron with gray hairs, who, perched folitarily on a
h leaf, was talking to himfelf. His foliloquy will, I be
lieve, amufe that amiable friend to whom I am in
debted for the moſt agreeable of my recreations, the
ER charms
334 LETTER OF DR. FRANKLIN .
charms of animated converfation, and the divine har

mony of mufical execution .
" It was the opinion ," faid he, " of the learned
philofophers of our race, who lived and flouriſhed
before us, that this vaft world itſelf could not fubfift
more than eighteen hours : and that opinion to me
appears to have fome foundation, fince, by the motion.
of the great luminary that gives life to the whole na
tion, and which in my time has, in a perceptible man
ner, declined confiderably towards the ocean that
bounds the earth , it must neceffarily terminate its
courſe at that period, be extinguished in the waters that
furround us, and deliver up the world to cold and
darkness, the infallible forerunners of death and uni
verfal deftruction . I have lived ſeven hours in theſe
eighteen ; it is a great age, amounting to no leſs than
four hundred and twenty minutes. How few of us
live fo long!
" I have feen whole generations fpring up, flourish,
and difappear. My prefent friends are the children
and grandchildren of the friends of my youth, who,
alas ! are no more, and whom I must foon follow; for,
in the ordinary courfe of nature, I cannot expect,
though in good health, to live more than feven or
eight minutes longer. ‫ܙܠܰܐ‬
What avail at prefent all my labours, all my fa
tigues, to accumulate a provifion of fweet dew, which
I fhall not live long enough to confume ? What avail
the political difcuffions in which I am engaged for the
fervice of my countrymen , the inhabitants of this bufh ;
or my philofophical inquiries, devoted to the welfare of
the fpecies in general ? In politics, what are laws with
out manners ?
" A courſe of minutes will render the prefent gene
ration as corrupt as the ancient inhabitants of other
buthes, and, of confequence, as unhappy. And in phi
lofophy, how flow is our progrefs ! Alas ! art is long,
and life is fhort ! My friends would confole me with
the
DIALOGUE. 335
the name which they fay I fhall leave behind me.
They tell me I have lived long enough for glory and
for nature. But what is fame to an ephemeron that
will be no longer in exiftence ? What will hiftory be
come, when, at the eighteenth hour, the world itſelf
will be drawn to a cloſe, and be no longer any thing
but a heap of ruins ?
" For myſelf, after having made fo many bufy re
fearches, the only real bleffings that remain to me, are,
the fatisfaction of having ſpent my life with the view
of being uſeful, and in pleafing converfation with a
fmall number of good lady ephemeras, and now and
then the captivating fmiles of Madame B***, and the
fweet founds of her forte piano."
DIALOGUE
BETWEEN A FREEHOLDER AND HIS REPRESENTATIVE
IN PARLIAMENT.
Freeholder.
TH 'H
E SE
ES E are mighty bad times ; you grow worſe
and worſe . You are our parliament -man , and I
wiſh you would endeavour to mend them .
Reprefentative. I am very defirous to mend them.—
What would you have me do ?
养
F. Do ! why, in the first place I would have you
vote for peace, and tell Mr. Pitt to play off no more
of his fhuffling tricks, but to fet about the work fin
cerely.
• R. Tell Mr. Pitt ! If I were to defire Mr. Pitt to
make peace in any other way than he pleaſes, Mr.
Wilberforce would accufe me of withing to behead the
King.
F. Then I am certain he would accufe you very
falfely. }
R. But that is the ftyle of argument now fet up ; and
an independent member muft not fpeak, but as it
pleaſes
336 DIALOGUE .
pleafes the Minifter, otherwife he will be accufed of d

treafon ; and you muſt be fenfible that no man likes G
to be accuſed of treafon . fe
F.I am very fenfible of that ; but how the deuce
can you be accuſed of treafon ?
G
R. By the new plan of argument. When Mr. Fox,
judging by the acts and relying on the declarations of
the Irish and British Government, warned Minifters of
the dangerous fituation of Ireland, he was accufed by
Mr. Wilberforce of making an inflammatory fpeech ,
tending to produce commotions in that country, and
to invite the French to invade it ; and Lord Dillon,
following up Mr. Wilberforce's idea, has actually at
tributed the late attempt on Ireland to Mr. Fox's
fpeeches. This is accufing Mr. Fox of treafon ; and
•
although I think Mr. Fox ſpoke nothing but truth,
and gave very wholeſome advice, yet I have not cou
rage to encounter a charge of treafon, though for the
good of my country.
F. Then if you cannot ſpeak for peace, will you de
mand that the war may be conducted with ability ?
R. I dare not. For, according to Mr. Wilberforce's
argument, expofing the incapacity of Minifters would
be encouraging the enemy to continue hoftilities, and
even encouraging them to make a defcent on the Eng
lifh coaft.
F. What! won't you cenfure Lord Spencer for al
lowing the French fleets to eſcape? Won't you tell his
Lordship he may know fomething of old books, but
he is totally unfit to direct our Admiralty?
# R. 匪 Ob treafonable ! Mr. Wilberforce would
charge me point blank with inviting the French again
to invade Ireland, by fhewing they had nothing to fear
from our navy, the directors of it being either negli
gent, ftupid, or ignorant blockheads..
F. Well : this is very hard. No redrefs ! As you
muſt not meddle with war or peace, furely you may
endeavour to protect private property ? I hold a good
deal
DIALOGUE. 337
deal of India ſtock, and you must know that I think
Government ufe our Company very ill . Minifters will
feize all into their own hands. They drag the Directors
and bully the Proprietors into any meafure they pleaſe."
They lord it over our property as if it were not our
H own, and make us give them juft whatever they chooſe.
They are alienating the affections of our army, and
they will ruin our whole concern.-Surely, you may
interfere on this fubject ?
R. The most dangerous of all . It would be infi
nuated that I have defigns againſt the commercial pro
fperity of the country ; and Mr. Wilberforce would
fay I was defirous of alienating our valuable poffeffions
in the Eaft, by fowing difcontent among the Directors
and Proprietors at home, and difaffection among the
Company's officers abroad.
F. My eldeft fon died lately in the West Indies of
the yellow fever, and Tom is now on the eve of being
fent off. Will you not endeavour to fave the thouſands
of our brave countrymen, fent to conquer ruined
plantations and ufelefs iflands, from a horrid and un
timely grave ?
R. That would be withholding the neceffary forces,
in order to allow the French to conquer our islands, in
Mr. Wilberforce's opinion .
F. But the money fent to the Emperor without the
confent of Parliament
R. I dare not mention it. If I do, Mr. Wilberforce
will fay I am fecretly paid by the French to diſguft and
alienate the Emperor from our alliance, that he may
make peace with France, a meafure which will enable
the French to invade this country.
F. Then our enormous and accumulating debt and
taxes
R. Would you have me charged with a defign of
fowing difcontent, and making the people infenfible to
the bleffings of our prefent Adminiſtration ?
VOL. I. F. The
OGUE
338 DIAL .
F. The infupportable dearneſs of provifions

R. Stop ! Mr. Wilberforce will turn up his eyes,
and vow it is high treafon to inflame the people, by
mentioning that fubject .
F. Well, then, the bills
R. A thoufand treafons ! Would you allow the
people to fpeak, when they can fearcely get food?
Would you permit them to open their mouths, when
they have nothing with which to fill them ? Mr. Wil
berforce would move my committal to the Tower for
ftirring up rebellion.
F. He would ?
R. Yes, indeed, he would ; and Lord Dillon, re
peating Mr. Wilberforce's fpeeches, would fwear it was
all true, that a Jacobin, a rebel, a regicide, & c.
I thould be attacked in the fame manner in which Mr.
Fox has been fo falfely calumniated .
F. Then is it feditious to find fault with any mea
fure of Government ?
R. High treafon ! According to Mr. Wilberforce,
it is high treafon to prefumie to adviſe a heaven- born
miniſter, or to dare to ſay the people are difcontented ,
F. Dare you not ſpeak your mind in Parliament on
any fubject ?
R. Oh yes ! We debate with the utmoſt freedom ,
and may vote with the utnioft independence, on Canal
bills.
F. Oh Lord ! 11
R. I am very forry for your fituation . I know the
times are particularly diftreffing to you. Can I help a
Canal bill of yours through the Houfe, or do any
other little job to ferve you ?
F. Oh Lord ! I never till now was convinced of
the neceffity of a Parliamentary Reform . (Exit.)
THE
3
( 339 )
THE THREE CURSES.

HREE Curfes, in three diff'rent ages born,
THR
Have held our nation up to public fcorn ::
First War-bafe Civil War- in one great flood,
Delug'd the nation with its native blood .
Next Superftition came, with holy air,
Bedeck'd with relics, and pretending pray'r :
This then became a prieſt-rid , pious nation,
Till haughty Henry wrought a reformation ;
Next fee a monſter, arm'd with harpy claw,
-
And peftilential breath, ycleped Law
In parchment wrapp'd he caine, all ſcribbled o'er
With words of dire import and horrid lore :
Parents with children net in wordy war,
And all men bow'd before the wrangling bar.
The force of Vengeance could no farther go
To make a third, the join'd the former two.
A NEW SYSTEM OF EDUCATION.

MR. BALDWIN ,
OBSERVED lately, in fome of the papers (whe
I
ther in yours, or not, I do not at prefent remem
ber), a kind of fatirical piece, in which a Frenchman
recommends to the Parifians to feed their children with
goat's milk, to render them expert and active dancer's,
dancing being to the French the whole duty of man.
But, Sir, as I am one of thoſe who confider the pre
fent generation as only apes of thoſe which are paſt, I
have difcovered that this advice, which is given in jeft,
was formerly a , matter of very ferious experience.
Father Verani , who published three huge volumes on
education and morality, in the year 1710, gravely men
tions a child, who having been nurfed with goat's
milk, could not forbear leaping at all times, when he
grew in years ; and another, who, having been nurfed
with fow's milk, took always great delight in wallow
ing in the mire.
Q2 Now,
345 NEW SYSTEM OF EDUCATION .
Now, Sir, as I confider this as very refpectable au

thority, (for who can doubt the veracity of a man who
has written three folio volumes ?) I have been wonder
ing that a ſcheme which promifed to be very ufeful,
could not have been extracted from the hints of Father
Verani. The expenfe of keeping animals of all kinds
is now very great ; but if we can make men perform all
the bufinefs of animals, how vaft a faving would it be ?
I do not mean that it would be proper to fatten men
for the markets, becauſe I am afraid we could not
eafily overcome the prejudices we have againſt devour
ing one another. But, according to the plan hinted
above, we might certainly find fubftitutes for thofe do
meftic animals, the keep of which is now a matter of
very ferious expenfe.
We might, for infiance, by nurfing a child upon
mare's milk, give it, when grown up, fuch a portion
of agility, as to fupply Newmarket with a kind of two
legged bits of blood, capable of running races, and de
ciding the bets of thofe wife men who carry their for
tunes to that celebrated place of barter. I would try
the experiment firft with fome of the young jockies ;
and if there be truth in what Father Verani has affert
ed, I fhould not have the leaft doubt of qualifying
them in the courfe of a few months to win the plate .
Perhaps, it might be enough, if they could fupply the
place of mail- coach horfes, or decide a bet of fifteen
miles in the hour on the Whitechapel road; but having
performed that, it would be unreafonable to doubt of
their full performance of all the duties of a horfe. I
hope it is quite needlefs to add the many advantages
that would refult from this fcheme, not to point out,
that as there are many who neglect the butinefs of a
uſeful man, it would be highly politic to bring them
up to the bufinefs of a ufeful beatt.
Having provided a cheap ftud in this way, there
could be no great difficulty in furnishing our kennels
with packs of hounds, terriers, &c . who might fupply
the
A FAST- DAY HYMN. 341
the place of thoſe animals, properly fo called, which

are fo expenfive, and again which the common com
plaint is, that they eat the bread that fhould be given
to children. There are hundreds of idle, blackguard
children, continually running about this great town,
who are burdens upon fociety, and a grief and afflic
tion to their parents, becauſe they learn nothing but
pilfering and ſtealing, and fo come to the gallows ,
where they are hanged like dogs, without any of the
merit ofthofe animals. How much better would they
not be employed, in following thofe animals, which
furnith the inoft delicious of our food ? We might then
be faid to procure it dog cheap or by cheap dogs . The
dreadful accidents alfo which happen from the bite of
mad dogs, would be avoided, as we ſhould then only
keep enough to act as nurfes , and the breed would not
have half the occafion to run mad which they have at
prefent.
I fhall not now infifl farther on this fubject, as I am
juft about to make an experiment which will realize
the doctrine . I have purchaſed from a friendly Over
fcer, a couple of brats from the neighbouring work
houfe, whom I propofe to breed up to catch rats and
mice, and if I fucceed, you fhall hear from me. Mean
+62
time, I am, Sir, &c.
AN EXPERIMENTAL PHILOSOPHER .
P. S. Can any of your readers inform me, whether
Rope daneers propagate their ípecies ?
A FAST-DAY HYMN ,
TO BE SUNG BY A CHORUS OF PLACEMEN , & C.
" O God, of thy goodneſs flay mine enemies, and deftroy all them
that vex my foul ; for I am thy fervant."
LTHOUGH we never pray'd before,
ΑΙ Yet now we're hid to pray;
To thee, O Lord, we raiſe our voice,
On this moft folemn day..
03 Fain
342 AGRICULTURE.
Fain would we murder all our foes;
O grant our pious wifh,
For, lo ! this day have we refolv'd
To dine on falted fiſh.
Oh ! 'tis a goodly found to hear

Of tens of thouſands flain,
While at a diftance from the ſcene
We fafe at home remain.
To thee, the God of Love and Peace,

We pray to whet our fword;
Grant we may cut a thouſand throats—
All for thy holy word !
O God ofMercy, grant that thoſe
With us who do not think,
May, of the bitter cup ofwrath,
Be ever doom'd to drink !
So fhall we laud thy holy name,
If thou wilt grant our wish ;
Since 't is for this we have refolv'd
To dine on falted fiſh.
J. B.
AGRICULTURE.
Minutes of the Report of the Board of Agriculture, for
the Year 1795.
THE Apoftates planted laſt year have thriven won
derfully ; and fo generally does the foil favour fuch
productions, that the more places we plant them in, they
thrive the better. A hardftony foil appears, however,
to be preferable. The bark is valuable, and generally
fells at a high price ; the wood being rotten and hollow ,
is of much lefs repute .
Petitions and Remonftrances have been very plenty ;
but, from their not having been attended to in the earlier
ftages, the nation is not likely to reap fo much benefit
from them as was expected. Notwithstanding this
neglect,
AGRICULTURE. 343
neglect, however, fome of them have taken a very firm

root, and we hope in another feafon will be highly pro
ductive. They will be particularly valuable, thould
they who have the management ofthe Commons employ
more people in removing the nuifances.
Addrefes have been likewife plenty enough . Peo
ple defirous of making fomething out of nothing, have
cultivated them with tolerable fuccefs.; but the fruit is
deficient in flavour, talie, and that fpirit which uſed
formerlyto be extracted from them, and in most places
the growth has been forced, by means of an extraor
dinary quantity of the yellow manure laid on in flices,
and not fprinkled generally, as uſed to be the practice.
Sinecures have fucceeded tolerably, although the
betterfort of people have an averfion to them . They
fuck up the moiſture of a large diftrict, merely to fat
ten a flip that is not worth the pains and expenſe.
Tranfplanting is much ufed here ; and as the old one's
die off, it has been found very convenient to fill up the
ground with a fresh plant, and lay a quantity of dung
about it ; any filth and refufe will anfwer this purpoſe.
The growth of Votes has varied confiderably. In
order to preferve the quantity, it has been fometimes
found neceffary to tie up the tender faplings with bits
of blue, green, and red tape, which adds much to the
look of a field. The common people, addicted to their
old fuperftitions, have a way of faying that the influ
ence of the ftars is very confiderable, and even rival
the effects of the moon.
Trees in general. A new method of ornamenting
trees has been diſcovered, by lopping off the branches,
and leaving the trunk ftanding ; but it has not been
very generally approved, although in our opinion the
ingenious inventor ought to have all manner ofjustice
done to him. He has a very pretty farm in New
foundland, where, probably, this practice may an
fwer very well .
The various attempts made to improve the Commons
Q4 have:
[
344 AGRICULTURE.
have hitherto failed , chiefly from the obftinacy of the

Lords of the feveral Manors, and indeed not a little
from the freeholders, who are ftill, in many places,
bigotted to their old prejudices , and are frightened at
the very name of Reform, though it would ultimately
be fo much to their own advantage. Much of the very
beft feed is choked, almoſt as foon as it appears, by
noxious weeds, particularly by the Papaver Indicus, or
India poppy, and the Carduus Scotia, or Scotch thiftle .
The want of fallows, too, prevents the ground from
yielding beneficially. 4 They fow the fame grain for
Jeven years together, a practice fo repugnant to the
rules of agriculture, that it is impoffible any good can
come of it. The crops look tolerably in the car, but
yield very little on threshing ; and notwithstanding the
management is aftonishingly expenfive, a great part looks
very green, the foil being hard and ftiff, and the clods
broke with great difficulty. The wages of the labour
ers are far higher than they can poffibly be thought to
earn .
The fruit-trees have been chiefly employed in the
manufactory of that fpecies of cider called Mum, a
very favourite liquor with the great farmers, but very
pernicious to the bowels of the people who drink it,
and who become fo debilitated as not to be able to get
a littlefooddown. The manufacture of this article, in
the opinion of the Board, will be attended with very
bad effects, unlefs fome means are feafonably applied
to correct the excess of fermentation which takes place
during the proceſs .
Cattle. The breed of $WINE continues to be much
neglected. A general prejudice feems to prevail among
men of fortune against them , although it is an animal
fo eafily reared to the greatest advantage. It is not
certain, that the breed upon the whole has yet de
creaſed, although a confiderable number have beenſent
abroad ; but where we ufed to fee from an hundred to
an hundred and fifty thouſand of them in a drove, we
do
A SONG. 345
do not now fee more than forty-eight or forty- nine. No
perfon is allowed to keep more at a time.
(Signed) ARTHUR OLD.
A SONG
To the auld Scotch Tune of " John Anderfon my Joe."
JOHN Anderfon
I wond my Joe,
er what you meanJohn,
,
Approving of the Bills, John *,
The Bills you ne'er had feen !
'T was furely very fooliſh, John,
And how could you do fo ?
Pray haud your tongue and ſay nae mair,
John Anderſon my Joe !
The ſtory of the Phaeton, John,
Was but an auld wife's faw,
And like another Phaeton, John,
You'll furely have a fa'.
This talking will undo you, John,
And lack of truth much mo'
You've neither brains nor gift o' gab,
John Anderfon my Joe.
* The perfon to whom the burden of an old Scotch fong is thus

happily applied, was understood to have declared in the Senate, that
though he had not feen the famous Treafon and Sedition Bills, he ap
proved ofthem very highly. In the fame place he gravely gave an ac
count of the Duke of B's having lent Thelwall his phaeton to
ferve him as a roftrum . Nothing can be more fublime than this gen
tleman's idea of friendſhip. Some time after he had diminished the
frequency of his convivial entertainments, one of his friends died,
from whom he had expected a confiderable bequeft. He was difap
pointed. " Ay," said John Anderfon my Joe, " I did not invite him to
dinner ſo often as I uſed to do.”—In this he was pretty much of Mo
liere's opinion : C'eft to jours le veritable Amphitryon qui donne à diner.
We understand, that, forfear of fuffering any more lofies from the fame
caufe, he has of late refumed his former hofpitality.
@5 ΤΟ
( 346 )
TO ALL THE BRITISH DEALERS IN BLOOD AND
SLAUGHTER WHO ARE UNDER THE RANK OF
ENSIGN *.
Soldiers, Gentlemen, Heroes,
OR fuch you are, whatever was your former fitua
FOR
tion or employment in life . He who was yefter
day only the ninth part of a man, by becoming a fol
dier to -day, has multiplied his exiftence by at leaft three
times three . Yet, hard fate ! the integer of to -day
is much more liable to be deftroyed than the paltry
fraction of yefterday ! But what is that to your em
ployers , you know ? The more danger the more ho
nour : needs must, whom the devil drives . If you were
till now the verieft wretches in nature ; if you had been
juft excufed from hanging , on condition you ſhould
enter into the army, if you had your choice from a
juftice of peace whether you would be tried for felony,
or go for a foldier, and in confequence of this oblig
ing offer freely chooſe to enlift ; if your ancles were
ftill galled with the irons of the prifon ; if after a fhort
confinement for perjury you had gone into court again
in order to fwear away an innocent man's life ; in
fhort, if you were the loweft , baſeft, moft defpicable
of mankind, in your former occupation , you are now
become, by a wonderful transformation, Gentlemen ,
and Men of Honour.
But that I may proceed with all poffible method and
clearnefs in my difcourfe, I fhall firft give you a defi
nition of that most important and diftinguifhed cha
racter, a Soldier. " A Soldier," then, is a Yahoo,
hired to kill in cold blood as many of his own fpecies
22
as he poffibly can, who never did him any injury.'
From this definition neceffarily flows a high fenfe of
* Dr Gisborne having publiſhed a book, intituled, The Duties of Gen

tlemen, this letter was to fupply his omiffion of the Duties of Gen
themen Soldiers.
dignity,
DUTIES OF GENTLEMEN SOLDIERS. 347
dignity. Your honour is your moft precious poffef
fion , and of that it becomes you to be chary. You
are the difpofers of the world ; the umpires of all dif
ferences ; the defenders of the Defender of the Faith ..
But why do I fay defenders of the Defender of the
Faith ? You are the Defenders of the Faith itſelf. It
refts upon you to reinftate the empire of God, of reli
gion, and of humanity, by the means which God and
Nature (and, I may add, the King of Corfica) have
put into your hands . In the name of God, then , I .
request you to fhoot all atheiſts ; in the bowels of Jefus
Chrift I beseech you to run your bayonets in the guts
of thoſe monſters that deny the Lord who bought them,
and in the caufe of humanity I beg of you to cut the
throats of all fcoundrels that live without breeches.
If you follow thefe inftructions punctually, depend
upon it, you shall have your reward, either in this
world, or the next. If you will promote this godly
work with all your might, though your fins were
deeper than fcarlet, yet fhall they become whiter than
fnow ; in fhort, you have nothing to do but to fubmit
your lives to the difpofal of the King and his officers,
and your fouls to your chaplain. After having made
?
thefe trifling facrifices, your, way will be perfectly
fmooth and pleafant. If you furvive, as you have a
chance at leaft of one in twenty, you will come back
laden with laurels to your native country, and there
enjoy, in full perfection , all the bleflings of civil go-.
vernment which is the next beft thing to military.
If you die upon the fpot, you fall a martyr to the glo
rious caufe of God, of Chriftianity, of Liberty, of
Property, offubordinate orderliness, and of orderlyfub
ordination. Nor need you be afraid of death, for I
can affure you (in verbo facerdotis, i . c. on the word of
a prieft) , that whoever dies in this conteft , fhall in,
ftantly depart to Paradife, if ever thief from the gal
lows went thither ; and for that we have fo often had
the word of a prieft, that it would now be blaſphemy'
to doubt it.
96 And .
MEN SOLDIERS
348 DUTIES OF GENTLE .
And now for a few hints touching your general be

haviour.
1. Be fluent in your oaths and curfes upon all occa
fions. It will fhew a confidence in the goodness of your
caufe, and make people believe that you must be hand
and glove with the Perfon for whom you fight, when
you uſe his name fo familiarly, and appeal to him as an
old acquaintance upon the moft trivial occafions.
2. The Defenders of Religion muft fhew that it ne
ver has any influence upon their practice . It is your
duty, therefore, to be, what the canting methodiſtical
people call, a profligate. What made the Chriftians
victorious when they went to wreft the fepulchre of our
Saviour from the idolatrous Turks, but a proper al
lowance of oaths and fornication ? It is no fin in a
holy warfare ; or, if it were, it is the leaft ofthe feven
deadly.
3. Keep up your fpirits now and then with a cordial
fup of liquor. You cannot imagine how this pre
feription will clear up your thoughts, and diffolve all
fcruples, if ever you had any, concerning the juftice
of the war. The liberal allowance that you receive,
and the exactnefs with which it is paid, will amply
furnish you with the means of procuring thefe cordials,
and they will produce another good effect , they will
recall your courage when it begins to ebb, and ooze,
as it were, through the palms of your hands.
For valour the ftronger grows ,
The ftronger liquor we ' re drinking,
And how can we feel our woes
When we've loft the power of thinking?
4. As you are men of nice honour, and it is a pro
verb, that nothing is more delicate than a foldier's
honour, I propofe it as a cafe of confcience, whether
you should not tilt, as well as your officers, when an
affront is offered you. For inftance, if another foldier
fhould call you a jail- bird, and the truth of the fact
be notorious, it appears to me that you ought to con
vince
THE SHEPHERDS OF THE PYRENEES . 349
vince him of his mistake, by running him through
the body, or lodging a ball in his carcals. But per
haps your worthy fuperiors may deem this an infringe
ment of their prerogatives. I fpeak therefore under
correction.
5. Notwithstanding what I have faid concerning the
lawfulness , nay the duty, of drinking a drop of liquor
now and then, I do not mean you should guzzle away
all that large ftock of money which is granted you by
the bounty of the King and his Parliament. I would
with you to lay by a filling or fo of each day's pay ;
you who have wives and children, for the fupport of
your wives and children ; you who have poor relations,
for the maintenance of your relations ; and you who
have neither, that, in your old age, if you ſhould out
live the war, and return to your native country, you
may purchaſe a fnug annuity, and live in comfort upon
the property you have acquired by valour.
I am, Soldiers, Gentlemen, and Heroes, your loving .
brother in Chrift, A JOHNIAN PRIEST.
THE SHEPHERDS OF THE PYRENEES.

BY MADAME DE GENLIS.
Extracted from the little volume the has lately publiſhed, con
taining Anecdotes of her own Life, and ofMademoiſelle Or
leans, fince the commencement of the Revolution.
I TRAVELLED about twelve years ago : after hav
ing traverfed part of our Southern Provinces , I ar
rived at that great chain of mountains which feparates
us from Spain. Iftopped there in a delightful folitude,
and hired a pretty little houfe, determined on paffing
the fummer. My houfe was fituated on the declivity
of a mountain covered with trees, plants, and ver
dure ; it was furrounded with rocks and fources of pure
and tranfparent water . I commanded a vaft plain, in
terfected by canals, formed by the torrents which
ruſhed
350 THE SHEPHERDS OF THE PYRENEES.
rufhed from the fummit of the mountains : I had no
neighbours but labourers and thepherds : there my re
veries were not difturbed by the tumultuous bufile of
cities, the troublefome noife of horfes, carriages,
public criers, which only call up vain agitations pro
duced by intereft and pride, and the turbulent activity
of frivolity, or of vice and paffion ; in my peaceful
cottage I heard only the majeſtic voice of Nature ; the
ftriking and rapid fall of the cafcades and torrents ; the
lowings of the difperfed flocks in the meadow, the ruf
tic found of the flageolet, the pipe, and the rural airs
the young fhepherd repeats fitting on the edge of the
rock, in thefe places where the country is fo charming.
I devoted the greater part of the day to walking-I
explored first all the mountains that environed me. I
often met the flocks ; the fhepherds that guarded them.
. were all children, or young perfons, the oldeſt of whom
was not above fifteen . I remarked that thefe occupied.
the highest mountains, whilft the children not yet ven
turing to climb the fteep and flippery rocks, remained
in the paftures of eafier accefs. So that in defcending
the mountains you fee the fhepherds diminiſhed in fize
and age, and you only find on the little hills that bor
der the plains , young thepherds of eight or nine years.
old. This obfervation made me imagine that the flocks
of the valleys, had ftill younger guardians, or at leaft of
the fame age as thoſe of the little hills : I queftioned
one ofthe children ; " Do you ever conduct your goats
down there ?" I asked him. " I thall go there fome
day," faid he, fmiling ; " but before that, a confiderable
time will pafs, and I must make many a longjourney ."
" How then. ?"-" Why, I muft go firft quite to the
top, and after that, I thall work with my father, and
when I am fixty, I fhall go down into the valley."
" What, the fhepherds of the valley are old men,
then ?"- " Yes, our eldeſt brothers are on the moun
tains, and our grandfathers in the plains." As he
finished theſe words, I left him , and defcended into
the
THE SHEPHERDS OF THE PYRENEES. 351
the delicious and fertile valley of Campan ; at first I
only perceived numerous herds of oxen, and flocks of
heep, which occupied almoſt all the fpace ; but foon
after I diftinguifhed the venerable fhepherds fitting or
lying on little banks of the meadows ; I experienced a
painful fenfation on ſeeing theſe old men infulated, left
to themſelves in folitude ; I was going to contemplate
the more charming picture, theſe mountains peopled
with inhabitants fo young, fo active and bufy, this
happy refidence of innocence and gaiety, where the
echoes repeat nothing but fongs of joy, of innocent
fmiles, and the fweet notes of the pipe ! I quitted all
that is moſt amiable upon earth , infancy and earlieſt
youth ; and it was with a kind of melancholy that I
found myfelf with this multitude of old men. This
meeting of the two extremes of life offered me a con
traft fo much the more ftriking, as thefe good fires
earelessly ftretched upon the grafs, appeared plunged in
a profound and melancholy reverie ; their penfive tran
quillity feemed dejection of fpirits, and their medita
tion, fadnefs caufed by a cruel defertion : I faw them
alone, far from their children ; I pitied them , and ad
vanced flowly towards them with a mingled fentiment
of compaffion and refpect. Walking thus, I found
myfelf oppofite to one of the old men who engaged all
my attention ; he had the moft noble and moft engag
ing figure ; his hair, of a moſt dazzling whiteness, fell
in filver ringlets on his venerable fhoulders ; can
dour and goodness were painted on his features ; and
the ferenity of his brow and of his locks fhewed the
unalterable tranquillity of his mind : he was feated at
the foot of a mountain, cut to a point in this place,
and covered with mofs and herbage ; an enormous mafs
of rocks placed perpendicularly over him , projected
from the top of the mountain, and formed, at an eleva
tion of more than two hundred feet, a fort of ruftic
canopy which covered his venerable head from the
heat of the fun. Thefe rocks were covered with na
tural
tural garlands of ivy, of periwinkle and of bind

weed, the colour of the rofe, which fell back from
all fides in tufted bunches and unequal feftoons, diftri
buted in groups with as much elegance as profufion .
At fome paces from the old man, you perceived two
willows inclining one to the other, mixing their flexible
branches together in fhadowing a fountain, which de
fcended from the mountains ; the water foaming at its
fource, paffed from the height of the mountains,
breaking impetuoufly over every thing which feemed
to oppofe its paffage but grown peaceable in its courfe,
it proceeded in gentle windings through the grafs and
flowers, paffed by the feet of the old man, and loſt
itfelf in foft murmurs at the bottom of the valley.
After having obtained permiffion of the old man to
feat myſelf by his fide, I repeated to him what the little
fhepherd of the mountain had juft told me, and I
afked him for the explanation of it. " Time out of
mind," replied the old man, " the men ofthis coun
try have devoted to the paftoral life the two ages that
feem beft fitted for it, the two extremes of life- in
fancy, which is juft come from the hands of Nature,
and old age, juft ready to re-enter her bofom. Chil
dren, as you have feen, conduct the flocks on the
mountains ; it is there they acquire that vigour, that
agility, that hardinefs, which particularly diſtinguiſh
the inhabitants of the mountain ; they are trained to
climb the rocks, to crofs torrents ; they are accuſtomed
to contemplate without fear the depth of the precipices,
and often run on the edge of the abyfs to recover a fu
gitive goat. But at fifteen they quit the fhepherd's life
to become cultivators : at this epoch, the young man,
proud of being affociated to the labours of his father,
abandons without regret his mountain ; he joyfully re
figns his crook into weaker hands ; henceforth the
pick-axe and the ſpade will more worthily employ his
nervous arm ; yet, before he defcends into the plains,
he cafts a forrowful look upon his flock, hitherto the
fole
THE SHEPHERDS OF THE PYREALES. 353
fole object of all his cares, and he does not receive
without a tender regret the laſt careffes of his faithful
dog. Admitted into the clafs of labourers, we re
main there till the decline of our ftrength ; but when
we can no longer labour at agriculture, we hunibly
refume our fcrip and crook, and pafs the reft of our
days in thefe meadows." The old man was filent, a
flight cloud for an inftant darkened the ferenity of his
brow. I faw that he recalled with fome regret the time
when old age had forced him to devote himſelf for ever
to a paftoral life ; but he was filent, and I dared not to
interrogate him more ; but foon after breaking filence,
" And for the remainder," refumed he, " our old age
is perfectly happy ; it flides away in a fweet tranquil
lity."- " But," interrupted I, " fo long a habit of la
bouring muft render this eternal repofe tedious ?".
" No," replied he ; " becaufe this repofe is ufeful . I
fhould be confumed with wearinefs if I remained un
employed in our cottages ; he who does not render him
felf ufeful to others is a burden to himfelf ; but taking
care of thefe flocks, fitting all day under thefe rocks,
I am as uſeful to my family as when I was able to till
the earth and to follow the plough : this thought alone
fuffices to make me love my peaceable retreat . Be
fides, think, that when a man has, during fifty years,
exerciſed without intermiffion his arms and his ftrength,
that it is a fweet reflection to have no other duty to
fulfil than that of paffing his days foftly reclining on
the turf of the meadow. ". " And in this ftate of in
action, do you never experience difcontent ?"-" How
can I experience difcontent furrounded by fuch dear
objects, and which recall to my memory fuch dear
thoughts ? I have traverfed all thofe mountains which
encompaſs us in my earlieft youth . I can difcover
from hence by the fituation of the groups of fir-trees,
and of the mafs of rocks, the places I ofteneft fre
quented ; my weakened fight will not permit me to
diftinguith all that your eyes difcover, but my me
mory
mory fupplies the defect ; it reprefents faithfully what

my eye cannot perceive. This kind of reverie demands
a certain attention which increaſes the intereft. My
imagination tranfports me on the elevated hills which
are loft in the clouds ; impreffions never to be obli
terated guide me to traverſe thoſe winding routes, thofe
fteep and flippery paths, which interfect and unite
them, whilft my decaying memory abandons me all at
once, fometimes on the brink of a torrent, fometimes
on the edge of a precipice ; I ftop, I fhudder, and, if
that inftant I can recollect the road I have loft, my
heart palpitates with as much joy as in the fpring of my
days. It is thus, without moving from my place,
tranfported on the mountains, I fee them, I run over
x
them, and I recall "all the quick emotions and all the
pleaſures of my youth."
As the old man ended thefe words, we heard at a
diftance and at the fummit of the mountain behind us
the notes of a flageolet. " Ah !" faid the old man,
fmiling, " there's Tobie come on the rock ; he is re
peating the air that I love fo much ; it is the romance
that I played fo often at his age ! " In faying thefe
words the good old man marked time flowly with his
head, and gaiety fparkled in his eyes. " Who is
Tobie ?" I afked. " He is a fhepherd in his fifteenth
year ; he loves my grand-daughter Lina ; they are of
the fame age ; may I fee them united before I die !
This is the time our grand-daughter brings us fome
refreſhment every morning. Then Tobie always brings.
his goats to the rocks, where he knows I repofe."
The old man was ftill fpeaking, when I perceived at a
diſtance at the other end of the valley, a number of
young girls who advanced neatly dreffed, and were
foon difperfed in the plain at the fame time the fhep
herds of the hills all ran together and appeared on the
fteep borders of the mountains that encompaffed us ;.
one party preffed forward to the extremity of the pre
cipice, which made one fhudder to fee the earth that
fupported
fupported them thake under their feet ; the others had
climbed up trees in order to difcover fooner the lively
and amiable party that attended every day at the fame
hour at this epoch of the day the flocks of the moun❤
tain were abandoned on an inftant to wander at liberty ;
all was in movement on the hills, and in the plain ;
curiofity, growing love, paternal tenderneſs, produced
a general emotion among both the young and old fhep
herds. The young villagers feparated to feek their
grandfathers in the meadow, to prefent their pretty
ofier bafkets with fruits and cheefes ; they ran with
eagerness towards thefe good old men, who held out
their arms to receive them ; I admired the grace and
light figure of thefe pretty peaſants of the Pyrenees,
who were all remarkable for the elegance and beauty of
their fhapes ; but my heart was most interested for
Lina ; fhe was ftill at a hundred paces from us whèn
her grandfather pointed her out from a group of young
girls, in faying, " There is the prettieft ; " and it was
not paternal fondness, for indeed Lina was charming.
She threw herſelf into the arms of the old man , who
preffed her tenderly to his heart ; fhe then quitted him
to fetch her baſket, which one of her companions held ..
In this motion Lina raiſed her timid eyes towards the
fummit of the mountain ; and Tobie, on the point of
the rock, received this tender look, for which he had
impatiently waited fince the rifing of Aurora, and
which fweetly recompenfed him for all his day's la
bour. Tobie then threw down a bunch of rofes, which
fell a few paces from the group formed by Lina and
her companions. Lina blufhed, but dared not pick
them up ; the old man enjoyed her confufion , and the
other girls laughing with a little malice, and a great
deal of gaiety, cried out all together, " It isfor Lina,
it is for Lina." . At laft , Lina was condemned to
take the bouquet : with a trembling hand the placed it
in her bofom , and, to hide her embarraffment , took re
fuge on the rock with her grandfather, and feated her
felf
356 THE SHEPHERDS OF THE PYRENEES .
felf by him. I left them to enjoy the charms ofa

converfation full of tendernefs and ſweetneſs ; and with
my head full of the refpectable old man, of Lina, and
of Tobie, I reached my little habitation, faying, if
happineſs exiſts on earth , it is here ; fuch are the fen
timents which ought to affure us the poffeffion .
We have feen that the life of a

peaſant of the Pyrenees is divided into three remark
able epochs ; he is first a fhepherd of the mountain,
from the age of eight to fifteen ; he then enters the
clafs of the labourer, and when he arrives at old age,
he becomes a fhepherd of the valley. The moft bril
liant of theſe periods is when the young man is pro
moted to the rank of a labourer : they celebrate this
with great folemnity. As foon as the ſhepherd of the
mountain has attained his fifteenth year, his father
goes and conducts him into the fields or vineyards,
which he is from henceforth to cultivate : this memo
rable day is a day of rejoicing to the young man's fa
mily. I wished to fee this rural ceremony ; I ſpoke
to my good old friend, Lina's grandfather, who in
formed me that Tobie in a month would quit for ever
the mountain and the rock, to which his, love for Lina
had fo often conducted him . And there is another
circumftance which will add ftill more to the intereft of
this ceremony : Tobie's father, who is feventy, will
on that day renounce the clafs of a cultivator, to enter
into that of a shepherd ; he will affemble his four fons
of a first marriage ; Tobie is a child of the fecond, and
the youngest of his brothers is at leaſt thirty. The
day fixed for the ceremony at laſt arrived : I was on the
plain three hours before funfet . I found all the old
Thepherds affembled at the foot of the mountain,
where Tobie watched his flock ; foon after we per
ceived a crowd of peasants and villagers advancing,
of all ages, fantaſtically attired ; Lina, conducted by
her mother, placed herſelf near me, and, without
doubt,
doubt, was not the leaft intereſted in the feftival.
This party preceded Tobie's father, who gravely ad
vanced, furrounded by his four fons ; the old man
carried a fpade, and was fupported by his eldeſt ſon .
Being arrived at the foot of the mountain, all the mul
titude feparated, to let him have a free paffage ; but the
old man ftopped, and forrowfully furveying the fteep
road which led to the fummit of the mountain, he
fighed, and after a moment's filence, " I ought, " faid
he, " according to the general custom, to go myſelf
and fetch my fon ; but I am feventy years old, and can
only wait for him. "-" Ah ! my father," cried
his children, " we will carry you." They received
univerfal applaufe for this propofition ; the old man
fmiled, and his fons, forming with their arms twined
together a kind oflitter, took him gently up, and began
the march immediately. All the country- women re
mained in the plain, but I followed the old man, as I
wifhed to be a witnefs of the meeting with Tobie.
We walked flowly, the old man making them top from
time to time, to take breath , and to contemplate the
places we were traverfing, and which brought to his
memory the fweet recollection of his youth ; he ſtarted
at hearing from all quarters the clear founds of the
bells hung at the neck of the fheep and goats, and
which are only uſed for the flocks of the mountain ;
he frequently told us of particular objects that we
fhould fee ; but time had often deftroyed or changed
what he had reprefented . He regarded all that was
offered to our view on the road with a double intereſt
of fentiment and of curiofity : as we advanced farther
on, the expreffion of his countenance became more
lively and animated ; joy fparkled in his eyes, and he
fecmed to renew his life, in breathing for the laft time "
the invigorating and pure air of the mountain. At
laft we arrived at the end of our journey ; they fet the
old man on a rock ; he rofe, and, fupporting himſelf
on the fpade which he had not quitted, he conten)
plated
358 THE SHEPHERDS OF THE PYRENEES .
plated with delight the immenfe countries that he com

manded. At this inftant, Tobie came, and threw him
felf at his father's feet ; and the old man, embracing
him with tendernefs, " Here, my fon," faid he, " take
this fpade, which has ferved me half a century ; may
you keep it as long ! To refignit myfelf into your hands,
I have prolonged beyond the ordinary term the labour
which is painful at my age ; I quit to -day our fields,
our vineyards, but you are going to replace me."
Saying thefe words, the old man gave Tobie the fpade,
and afked his crook in exchange. " Oh ! my father,"
faid the young man, " receive again this faithful dog,
who has obeyed me feven years, and for the future
will follow and defend you ; he will never more uſefully
ferve me !" At theſe words the old man could not re
ftrain a few tears, which gently rolled down his vene
rable cheeks ; he careffed the dog his fon prefented
to him ; the animal ftruggled in Tobie's arms, and
feemed to exprefs by his lamentations his fear of chang
ing his mafter. We all took the road to the valley,
where we found all the villagers ; and the feftival was
ended by a ruftic ball, when I had the pleaſure of fee
ing Tobie dance with Lina. The following day I re
turned into the meadow, where I found my two good
old friends feated by the fide of one another, enter
taining themſelves with an account of their youth, but
moftly of their children . Lina brought them punc
tually at the accustomed hour fruits and milk. Tobie
was not there ; but Lina threw her eyes on the rock :
fhe faw with quick delight the mutual friendship ofthe
old men; it was for her a tender prefage . In fhort, I
have fince heard, that the old men enjoyed the hap
pinefs of celebrating the nuptials of Lina and Tobie,
and that Lina is now one ofthe tendereft and happieſt
wives and mothers .
C
THE
( 359 )
THE WHISTLE.
7.
A TRUE STORY .
Written bythe late Dr. BENJAMIN FRANKLIN to his Nephew.
WHEN I was a child of feven years old, my friends ,

on a holyday, filled my pocket with coppers. I
went directly to a fhop where they fold toys for chil
dren ; and being charmed with the found of a whistle,
that I met by the way in the hands of another boy, I
voluntarily offered him all my money for one. I then
came home, and went whiftling all over the houfe,
Imuch pleaſed with my whistle, but difturbing all the
family. My brothers, and fifters, and coufins, un
derſtanding the bargain I had made, told me I had
given four times as much for it as it was worth . This
put me in mind of what good things I might have
bought with the rest of the money ; and they laughed
at me fo much for my folly, that I cried with vexa
tion ; and the reflection gave me more chagrin than
the whiftle gave me pleaſure.
This, however, was afterwards of ufe to me, the im
preffion continuing on my mind ; fo that often, when
I was tempted to buy fome unneceffary thing, I faid to
myfelf, Don'tgive too muchfor the whistle ; and fo 1 faved
my money.
As I grew up, came into the world, and obferved the
actions of men, I thought I met with many, very;
many, who gave too muchfor the whistle.
When I faw any one too ambitious of court favours,
facrificing his time in attendance on levees, his repofe,
his liberty, his virtue, and perhaps his friends , to
attain it, I have faid to myſelf, This man gives too much.
for his whistle.
When I faw another fond of popularity, conftantly
employing himſelf in political buttles, neglecting his
own affairs, and ruining them by that neglect : He pays.
indeed, fays I, too muchfor his whistle.
If I knew a mifer, who gave up every kind of com
fortable
360 EFFECTS OF THE PRESENT WAR.
fortable living, all the pleafures of doing good to others,

all the esteem of his fellow- citizens, and the joys of
benevolent friendship , for the fake of accumulating
wealth- Poor man, fays I , you do indeed pay too muchfor
your whistle.
When I meet with a man of pleafure, facrificing
every laudable improvement of the mind, or ofhis for
tune, to mere corporeal fenfations : Miftaken man, fays
I, you are providing pain for yourfelf, inſtead ofpleasure :
you give too much foryour whistle.
If I fee one fond of fine clothes, fine equipages, all
above his fortune, for which he contracts debts, and
ends his carcer in prifon : Alas ! fays I, he has paid
dear, very dear, for his whiftic.
When I fee a beautiful, fweet-tempered girl, married
to an ill-natured brute of a husband : What a pity it is,
fays I, that he has paidfo much for a whifile.
In fhort, I conceived that great part of the miferies
of mankind were brought upon them by the falfe eſti
mates they had made of the value of things, and by
their giving too much for their whifiles.
EFFECTS OF THE PRESENT WAR.

HAT has it done?
WH
It has overthrown fome, and fhaken all the
thrones of Europe.
It has given the lie to the conjectures and fpecula
tions of all the old politicians in Europe.
Experienced Generals have been outwitted by no
vices, and impregnable cities taken by mere dint of
force.
Two or three millions of men have been killed in at
tempting to fettle difputes, which they did not un
derſtand, and which are, after all, to be determined by
four or five men who never faw a gun fired .
Sundry very great orators have been convicted of
Speakingnonfenfe for four years together.
Many
AN ELECTION SONG. 361
Many hundred threatening affertions have vanifhed in
hopeless impotence, and the fame number of profeffions
have been falfified.
The greatest plans have been formed without the
po er of execution, and the greatest actions have been
executed without any plan at all .
One eighth of our forces have been employed to keep
the enemy in check abroad, and the other feven eighths
to keep the people quiet at home. .!
The Supporters of the war refufe their aid unleſs they
are well paid for it, and our volunteers are obliged to be
handcuffed.
Several very worthy men have been alarmed into
places of great truft and emolument .
The conftitution has been perfonified in eight or ten
men who know not what it means, and who ve al
tered it fo that fcarcely any perſon can know it.
Great Generals have become fo expert in the art of
retreating, as, in moft cafes, to fave themfelves !
The emoluments of the church are mistaken for reli
gion, and the income of a penfioner is called property.
The reformation of abufes is feditious and treasonable,
and nothing is wrong which can be proved to be old.
Indemnity confifts in furrendering all we have taken,
and fecurity is fynonymous with implicit confidence in
thoſe who have deceived us.
6
AN ELECTION SONG.
POOR JACK PARODIED .
[From the True Briton ]
I.
Go patter 'bout Parfons and Scribes, do ye ſee,
OLD NICK, Fox, HORNE TOOKE, and the like;
A brave Britiſh tar at my right hand give me,
And I never to traitors will ſtrike :
Though the forms of Sedition around me may blow,
And pour forth of venom a flood,
I'll ne'er tack about when I meet with the foe,
But bear down like HowE or like HOOD.
VOL. I. R Avaft,
362 AN ELECTION SONG.
Avaft, do not think me a ſhy one ſo ſoft,
To fly from a Frenchified pack :
For I know there's a hangman who ' s perch'd up aloft
With a nooſe for the neck of OLD JACK.
II.
I heard Mr. THELWALL palaver one day,
About fections, departments, and fuch;
I boldly cried Nonfenfe ! to all he could ſay,
And bade him go look to the Dutch.
Says I, Do ye mind me, a Felon can't ſwing,
Ifthe High a' nt obey'd by the Low ;
And many home truths in his ears did I ring,
'Bout fhelves, gallows, hemp, ropes, and tow.
Avaft, ""do not thinkme, & c.
II.
I faid to fome folks, for you fee they grew fly,
When TooKE talk'd of ropes and a tree,
As how Horfes and Affes by the tails he would tie,
And then let them ftrive to get free ;
The Oak Tree of England he ne'er ſhall unroot,
Though he plunges and kicks like a Jade ;
Each day from that ſtem fhall come forth a freſh ſhoot,
To affordto the World a good fhade.
Avaft, do not think me, &c.
IV.
D'ye mind me, a Briton fhould be every inch
All as one as a part of the ftate ;
He ſhould ſtand to his poft, without off'ring to flinch,
Let the danger be ever ſo great.
TO TOOKE in all weathers, all times, ends, and reign,
All is joy from confufion that ſprings;;
As for heart, he has none, though his bellows he ſtrain,
And his head will be fhortly the KING'S.
Yet he fwears that his objects he ne'er will forego,
Nor from his old courſe turn his back,
Though he knows there's a devil that dwells down
below,
To provide a hot birth for OLD JACK.
NEW
( 353 )
NEW TAX.
MR. EDITOR,
THERE is one +article'&# of vaft confumption yet un
touched I mean wind; why does not our able..
an article tha
Financier taxt that
has ?ent ered fo lar
Perhaps he gel yin to be
wishes be ten der to
tender to
the compofi
tion of all his fpeeches, and in which all his fchemes
have ended . But we are too far gone in taxation to
omit one that would increaſe the revenue as much as
moft he has lately propofed ; for it is an article in
which every body deals more or lefs.
I would propofe, therefore, that maſters of fhips
take out licenfes for fair winds, at per
voyage.
Boats on the Thames, fcullers, barges, and Mar
gate hoys, not to fail before the wind, unleſs properly
qualified.
The inhabitants of St. Paul's Churchyard to be af
feffed for the additional wind of that place, and the
exhibitions arifing therefrom.
Winds to be differently rated according to their
value. Winds from the north to be put under Mr.
Dundas's direction .
Loud winds which are privately difpofed of, to pay
ad valorem, and all chinks to be regularly infpected by
the officers of the Excife.
A heavy duty on the wind that blows nobody good,
which, perhaps, will fall perfonally on Minifterial
quarters.
Perfons afflicted with wind to take out permits ena
bling them to export free of duty.
The commiflioners to make their affeffments twice
a year, that the public may not evade the tax, or fhew
any backwardness in contributing to the defence of
focial order and religion .
R 2 I would
364 SONNET .
I would likewife propofe a tax of ten per cent. upon

all windfalls.
If thefe fuggeftions are adopted, I hope they will
convince our enemies that our refources are not eafily
to be exhauſted, and that, although we have taxed
every thing we can lay our hands upon, there is ftill
66 fomething
in the wind."
I am, your humble fervant,
EOLUS.
P. S. I hope you will infert the above, as apuff for
the Minifter.
The inundation of Sonnets, with which we have been for the

laft ten years overrun, has justly made our fentimental
Sonnetteers objects of ridicule. NEHEMIAH_HIGGINBOT
TOM, in the Monthly Magazine, imitates their infipidities
with good effect in the following fpecimen .
SONNETS,
ATTEMPTED IN THE MANNER OF "6 COTEMPORARY
WRITERS .99
SONNET I.
PENSIVE at eve, on the hard world I mus'd,

And my poor heart was fad : fo at the moon
I gaz'd- and figh'd, and figh'd- for ah ! how foon
Eve darkens into night. Mine eye perus'd
With tearful vacancy , the dampy grafs,
Which wept and glitter'd in the paly ray:
And I did paufe me on my lonely way,
And mus'd me on thoſe wretched ones, who pafs
O'er the black heath of SORROW. But, alas !
Moft of MYSELF I thought ; when it befell,
That the footh SPIRIT of the breezy wood
Breath'd in mine ear-" All this is very well;
But much of one thing is for no thing good.""
Ah ! my poor heart's inexplicable fwell!
NEHEMIAH HIGGINBOTTOM .
GRAND
( 365 )
GRAND EXHIBITION !
[From the Telegraph .] .
SIGNIOR GULIELMO PITTACHIO ,

The SUBLIME WONDER of the WORLD !!
ADVERTISES in due Form-----And graciously makes
KNOWN
To the Great and Magnificent PERSONAGES,
WHO INFEST THIS HAPPY LAND !!!
AND ALSO
To the Hungry MULTITUDE of SWINE,
WHICH ARE STARVING THEREIN !!!
That he has with uncommon Expenfe, Affiduity, and
Labour, contrived
A MAGIC LANTERN ,
Offuch peculiar and wonderful Properties, as almost to
baffle Defcription !
Its Luftre is charmingly obfcure, and may be ftyled,
in Oppofition to the Remark of one Mr. MILTON ,
Not DARKNESS , but rather LIGHT INVISIBLE .
Nothing is clear, nothing is prominent, nothing is
precife, yet a ſtrange Succeffion of intereſting Ska
dows pafs before the raviſhed Eyes of the Spectators,
In a moft Coftly and Unmeaning Manner.
The Exhibition is divided into Three Parts- Arranged
as follows :
PART I.
The CONQUEST of QUIBERON !
The Slaughter exquifitely finifhed - and the Dying
Emigrants capitally coloured.
The like was never ſeen by Man, or recorded by Hiftory.
-N. B. The Signior particularly values himſelf
upon this exquifite Diſplay.
A full Length Portrait of a KING, in his
Royal Robes,
Urging, as it were, a Continuation of a Just and
Neceflary War.
R3 Never
366 GRAND EXHIBITION !
Never was any THING prettier feen upon Earth .
His Royal Highness the PRINCE of WALES,
(In the Character of Fortunatus,)
Endeavouring in vain to empty his inexhaustible Purfe.
The Chiaro-obfcuro is allowed to be inimitable.
JOHN BULL wrestling with the DEVIL,
and the Devil too ftrong for him.
This is comical in the extreme, and enough to make a
Bishop fplit his Sides with laughing- Ha! ha ! ba !
A PEN'ORTH of BREAD for SIXPENCE !
Or, the BAKERS in the DUMPS.
The Lantern fhews this with wonderful Effect .
Quality and Equality ; or, England and

France contrafted !
At the Conclufion of the Firft Part, Gulielmo Pittachio
himſelf will drink Four Bottles of Burgundy to the
Health ofthe British Nation.
After which, he will entertain the Company with a
humorous Account of
The ART of RAISING MILLIONS !
By any Man, who knows how to ride on HORSEBACK
upon an ASS !!!
PART II.
The Magic Lantern will now difplay in full Beauty,
The Gallant EARL of MOIRA preparing to embark
for NO WHERE !!!
An exact Repreſentation of that brave, courteous, and
adventurous Knight,
SIR SIDNEY SMITH- EXPECTED at
WEYMOUTH .
The Colours of the Expectation are abfolutely as
natural as the Life.
The BRITISH CONSTITUTION in one entire
BLAZE- of GLORY.
The whole World cannot produce any thing finer than
t
this, unleſs it fhould happen to be full of Flaws,
which is fometimes the Cafe.
The
› GRAND EXHIBITION ! 367
The British Parliament in all its Purity.
The Colours are liable to Corruption, yet they are
likely to be lafting.
The Flexibility of the Figure is admirably expreffed .
N. B. The Majority arefor Sale.
A fine Repreſentation of a Battle,
The Fencible Cavalry charging the ftarving Poor who
demand Bread .
The Magic Lantern will fhew
The Slaughter of the Women
In a fine Point of View.
At the End of the Second Part, the Sublime Signior
will entertain the Company with fome of his moſt
capital Slight- of-hand Performances, which, from
their unrivalled Cleverness, may be deemed
A National Honour.
He will then Sing, with that enchanting Pathos fo
peculiar to Himſelf,
" War, alas ! is toil and trouble,
Honour but an empty bubble ;
Never ending, ftili beginning,
Fighting ftill, and ftill deftroving;
If France there is no chance of winning,
Think your places worth enjoying !!!"
PART III.
An animating View of MONSIEUR,
late COMTE d'ARTOIS,
Marching to Paris with TWELVE HUNDRED Men.
This may be deemed an almoft incredible optical
Delufion.
An interefting Reprefentation of
Didone abandonnata,
Or an amiable Princefs neglected and defpifed;
with the Triumph of
MY GRANDMOTHER ,
And a Bird's-eye View of
The Pavilion at Brighton.
This beautiful fcenic Exhibition may be truly faid to
call forth all the finer Feelings of the Heart.
R4 The
FUL EXHIBITION !
368 WONDER
The Pop-gun Plot,

Or the Syftem of Terror revived.
Displaying in lively Colours,
The intemperate Paffions of the ſelf- called Great
WEYMOUTH ,
With a Royal Card Party in the back Ground
A true Picture of the Times.
A melancholy View of the Lofs of
Our Weft India Iflands,
With a diftant Profpect of their being retaken .
This is a molt affecting Difplay of Signior Pittachio's
Powers, and forcibly demands the Approbation of
A generous and enlightened Public.
At the Conclufion, Signior Gulielmo will aſtoniſh his
Auditors by a new and fweet Song, called,
" TwentySeven Millions More!!! "
N. B. Immediately after the Meeting of Parliament
Signior Pittachio pledges himſelf to bring forward
his original Puppets with fuperior Eclat, and to re
commence his Capital Deceptions.
VIVANT REX ET REGINA .
WONDERFUL EXHIBITION !
[From the Courier.]
SIGNIOR GULIELMO PITTACHIO,

The SUBLIME WONDER ofthe WORLD !!!
Condefcends to inform the Public at large, and his
Friends in particular, that immediately after Chrift
mas he will open his Grand Hall of Exhibitions at
Weftminster, with a grand Diſplay of his
ASTONISHING and MAGNIFIĊENT DECEPTIONS ;
- Which have been approved by all the crowned
Heads in the Univerfe, and which are unparalleled in
the Hiſtory of Mankind .
Firft --The Signior will bring forward
A Magical ALARM BELL,
AL
WONDERFUL EXHIBITION ! 369
"
At the Ringing of which, all the Company ſhall -
become Mad or Foolish .
Secondly-- He will produce his justly celebrated
CURIOUS SPY GLASSES, which diftort and mif
reprefent all Objects that are looked at through them ,
and occafion in the Company A SUDDEN AND
SOCIAL DISMAY ; fuch as has never before been
witneffed in this Country.
Thirdly-By means of an ENCHANTED DRUM,
he will fet all the Company a FIGHTING, for the
avowed Purpoſe of preferving
ORDER AND TRANQUILLITY.
During the Battle, Signior Pittachio will convey
their MONEY OUT of their POCKETS in a new
and entertaining Manner,
Fourthly-He will produce a moft extraordinary
-Effect in the Optics of the Spectators, by means of
fome Gold Duft, fo that they fhall not be able to dif
tinguifh Colours ; but fhall call ( at the Signior's Com
mand) BLACK WHITE, and WHITE BLACK, to
the Edification of all Beholders.
Fifthly-He will make fome marvellous Experi
ments upon his Own
MEMORY,
By forgetting the most material Incidents of his
Life, with an almoſt incredible Preciſion . -N . B. To
remove Doubts, thefe Experiments upon MEMORY
will be made upon OATH .
Sixthly-By his Oratorical Efforts, he will, in the
Courfe of a few Minutes, perfuade the greater Part of
bis Audience to falute him à pofteriori, then to give
him three Cheers, and nominate him
THE HEAVEN- BORN CONJUROR ;
With various Slight-of-hand Performances and
whimsical Exuberances, too tedious to mention .
In the Courfe of the Entertainment the Sublime
Pittachio will exhibit
R 5 UP
370 WONDERFUL EXHIBITION !
UPWARDS OF TWO HUNDRED AUTOMATA,

OR MOVING PUPPETS,
Who will rife up, fit down, fay Yes, or No, re
ceive Money, rake among the Cinders, or do any .
Dirty Work he may think proper to put them to.
N. B. This is a moft fafcinating Trick.
. Afterwards Signior Gulielmo Pittachio will diſcover
to the Company the unrivalled Treafures of his PRI
VATE CABINET, formed on a mere mechanical
Principle, without Hinges, Joints, Dovetail, or Glue.
The Whole to conclude with a Dramatic Piece, in
One Act , called
The Humbug ; or, John Bull a Jack Afs ;
In which Signior Pittachio (not having yet engaged
any female Performers) will indulge the Company
with a Solo on the Viol d'Amour.
N. B. The Hall is commodious, but the ,Company
will be kept as much in the DARK as poffible, to
give greater Effect to
The DECEPTIONS.
Signior Pittachio is extremely forry to inform the

Public, that owing to fome unaccountable Mifma
nagement in the Perfons he employed, he has been
difappointed of feveral capital Performers whom he
had hoped to have brought forward , for the Purpoſe
of exhibiting various Feats of Activity on the TIGHT
ROPE ; this Part of the ENTERTAINMENT there
fore MUST be deferred.
Tofupply this Deficiency , Signior Pittachio will clofe
his Wonderful Performances by exhibiting his own
Perfon on
The TIGHT ROPE ,
LTIT
For the BENEFIT of the SWINISH MULTITUDE.
VIVANT REX Et Regina.
OSRIC
( 371 )
OSRIC THE LION !
A ROMANCE .
WIFT roll the Rhine's billows, and water the plains,
SWI
Where Falkenstein's caftle's majeſtic remains
Their mofs-cover'd turrets still rear :
Oft loves the gaunt wolf ' midft the ruins to prowl,
What time from the battlements pours the lone owl
Her plaints in the paffenger's ear.
No longer refound through the vaults of yon hall
The fong ofthe minstrel, and mirth of the ball ;
Thofe pleaſures for ever are fled ;
There now dwells the bat with her light-fhunning brood ;
There ravens and vultures now clamour for food,
And all is dark, filent, and dread !
Ha ! dost thou not fee, by the moon's trembling light
Directing his steps, where advances a Knight,
His eye big with vengeance and fate ?
'Tis Offic the Lion, his nephew who leads,
And fwift up the crackling old ftaircaſe proceeds,
Gains the hall, and quick cloſes the gate.
Now round him young Carloman cafting his eyes,
Surveys the fad fcene with difinay and furprife,
And fear steals the rofe from his cheeks ;
His fpirits forfake him, his courage is flown ;
The hand of Sir Ofric he clafps in his own,
And while his voice falters thus fpeaks :
" Dear Uncle," he murmurs, " why linger we here ?
'Tis late, and theſe chambers are damp and are drear,
Keen blows through the ruins the blaſt!
Oh ! let us away, and our journey purfue ;
Fair Blumenberg's caftle will rife on the view,
Soon as Falkenftein foreft is paſt.
" Why roll thus your eyeballs ? why glare they fo wild ?
Oh ! chide not my weaknefs, nor frown, that a child
Should view thefe apartments with dread ;
For know, that full oft have I heard from my nurfe,
There ftill on this caſtle has reſted a curfe
Since innocent blood here was fhed!
" She faid, too, bad fpirits, and ghofts all in white,
Here ufe to refort at the dead time of night,
R6 Nor
372 . OSRIC THE LION.
Nor vaniſh till breaking of day ;
And still at their coming is heard the deep tone
Of a bell-loud and awful- Hark ! bark ! 'twas a groan !
Good Uncle, oh! let us away !"
" Peace, ferpent !" thus Ofric the Lion replies,
While rage and malignity gloom in his eyes;
" Thy journey and life here muſt cloſe :
Thy caftle's proud turrets no more flalt thou fee ;
No more betwixt Blumenberg's lordſhip and me
Shalt thou ftand, and my greatneſs oppoſe.
" My brother lies breathlefs on Paleſtine's plains,
And thou once remov❜d, to his noble domains
My right can no rival deny :
Then, ftripling, prepare on my dagger to bleed !
No fuccour is near, and thy fate is decreed,
Commend thee to Jefus, and die !"
Thus faying, he feizes the boy by the arm,
Whofe grief rends the vaulted hall's roof, while alarm
His heart of all fortitude robs :
His limbs fink beneath him ; diſtracted with fears,
He falls at his Uncle's feet, bathes them with tears,
And-" Spare me ! Oh ! ſpare me !" he fobs.
But, ah ! ' t is in vain that he ſtrives to appeaſe
The mifcreant; in vain does he cling round his knees ,
And fue in foft accents for life :
Unmov'd by his forrow, unmov'd by his prayer,
Fierce Ofric had twiſted his hand in his hair ;
And aims at his bofom a knife.
But ere the ſteel bluſhes with blood, ftrange to tell !
Self-ftruck, does the tongue of the hollow-ton'd bell
The prefence of midnight declare :
And while with amazement his hair briftles high,
Hears Ofric a voice, loud and terrible, cry,
In found heart-appaliing-" Forbear !"
Straight curfes and fhrieks through the chambers refound,,
With hellish mirth mingled ; the walls ſhake around ;
The groaning roof threatens to fall ;
Loud bellows the thunder ; blue lightnings ftill flaſh ;
The cafements, they clatter ; chains rattle ; doors claſh ;
And flames ſpread their waves through the hall.
The
OSRIC THE LION . 373
The clamour increafes, the portals expand ;
O'er the pavement's black marble now ruſhes a band
Of Demons all dropping with gore,
In viſage fo grim, and fo monftrous in height,
That Carloman fcreams as they burst on his fight,
And finks without ſenſe on the floor.
Not fo his fell Uncle : he fees that the throng
Impels, loudly fhrieking, a female along,
And well the fad fpectre he knows :
The Demons with curfes her ſteps onward urge,
Her fhoulders with whips, form'd of ferpents, they scourge,
And faſt from her wounds the blood flows.
" Oh ! welcome," fhe cried, and her voice fpoke deſpair ;
" Oh ! welcome, Sir Ofric, the torments to ſhare,
Of which thou haft made me the prey :
Twelve years have I languifh'd thy coming to fee ;
Ulrida, who perifh'd difhonour'd by thee,
Now calls thee to anguish away!
" My ruin completed, thy love became hate,
Thy hand gave the draught which confign'd me to fate ;
Nor thought I death lurk'd in the bowl ;
Unfitted for dying, in guilt, and in pride,
Unbleft, unabfolv'd, unrepenting, I died,
And dæmons ſtraight feiz'd on my foul !
" Thou com'ft, and with tranſports I feel my breaſt ſwell !
Full long have I fuffer'd the torments of hell,
And now fhall its pleaſures be mine !
See, fee, how the fiends are athirst for thy blood !
Twelve years has my panting heart furniſh'd their food ;
Come, wretch, let them feaft upon thine !"
She faid, and the Dæmons their prey flock'd around ;
They dafh'd him with horrible yell on the ground,
And blood down his limbs trickled faft :
His eyes from their fockets with fury they tore ;
They fed on his entrails all reeking with gore,
And his heart was Ulrida's repaſt.
But now the gray cock told the coming of day ;
The fiends with their victim ftraight vaniſh'd away,
And Carloman's heart throbb'd again :
With terror recalling the deeds of the night,
He rofe, and from Falkenftein fpeeding his flight,
Soon reach'd his paternal domain.
Since
374 EXHIBITION EXTRAORDINARY.
Since then all with horror the ruins behold ;
No thepherd, though ftray'd be a lamb from his fold,
No mother, though loft be her child,
The fugitive dares in theſe chambers to feek,
Where fiends nightly revel, and guilty ghoſts ſhriek,
In accents moſt fearful and wild !
Oh ! fhun them, ye Pilgrims ! though late be the hour,
Though loud howl the tempeft, and faſt fall the ſhower,
From Falkenftein Caſtle be gone !
There fill their fad banquet Hell's denizens fhare ;
There Ofric the Lion ftill raves in deſpair ;
Breathe a prayer for his foul , and país on !
EXHIBITION EXTRAORDINARY.
Catalogue of Pictures , Statues, Bufis, Bronzes, &c. To
which are annexed fome critical obfervations.
(Continued from Page 239.)
i got a
SECOND DAY'S SALE .
Mr. BISHOP, Rocheſter.

HIGH Prieft . The arrogance of the counte
35. A
nance well conceived, but vulgarly expreffed .
36. The Massacre on Bartholomew' Day at Paris .
s
Painted con amore ; the carnage delightfully finiſhed .
37. A Battle Piece. Shews a true fpirit of he
roifin, as though the artift really enjoyed the fcene of
rapine and deftruction .
38. Piety. Caricature-ridiculouſly diverting.
39. A Tyrant. " A bold ſketch, but coarfe, harfh,
and difgufting.
40. Dives with Lazarus at his Gate. The former
is encouraging the dogs to tear the latter to pieces :
the defired effect has been wonderfully well produced .
41. Aftrong Gale, with a fairer Sea in perfpective,
difcovers great judgment ; the perfpective has been
well confidered .
Mr. LUFFBORE, Bedford Square.
42. The Capture of Dunkirk. The very worst piece
4 in
EXHIBITION EXTRAORDINARY ." 375.
in the exhibition ; a moft difaftrous Morceau truly ;
it has neither plan, nor outline, nor execution ; the
maffes are too confufed, and the fhadows much too
heavy.
43. Portrait of a great Law Character in his Robes
and Wig. A hard, but rich compofition . The Wig
wonderful.
44. The Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes. This is
a luxuriant performance ; the extreme avidity of the
crowd is very naturally given : the principal figures ,
however, evidently requirefore-fhortening.
45. A Privy Counsellor examining a State Prifoner:
A ſtudy, in black chalk ; the viſage ferocious .
46. Janus. A caft in bronze, equal to any thing..
Mr. AIRCASTLE, Berkshire.
47. Portrait of Judge Jefferys, fuppofed to be a
ftriking likeneſs .
48. Clemency. A feeble exertion.
49. Getting into a Scrape. A burlefque drawing,
the expreffion vulgar.
50. The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing. Naturally done
but the fubject is hackneyed .
51. Humanity. A deception, moft curiouſly con
trived.
Mr. MADFORD, Lincoln's Inn .
52. The Afs in the Lion's Skin. In this picture,
the brutal ftupidity of the Afs is happily blended with
the favage ferocity of the Lion, but at the fame time
the whole is totally deftitute of effect.
53. Portrait of Jack Ketch. Painted from me
mory. A good picture.
Mr. SCOTBY, New Cavendish Square.
54. A Cannibal. There is a nature in this produc
tion which is very captivating.
55. The Affembly of Surgeons, who, in the time of
Louis XV. held a meeting to invent torments for the
wretched Maniac Damien. The general concep
tion of this piece is perfect ; the figures are moftly por
traits of great living characters .
56. A
Y
ION RDINAR
376 EXHIBIT EXTRAO .
56. A Black. A correct reprefentation .

Mr. STANDUP, Mansfield Street.
57. The Good Samaritan. An interefting picture ;
lights beautifully dif
the fubject well treated, and the
pofed.
58. A Patriot. Finely characterized ; this maſter
has uncommon merit ; there is a charmingfingularity
in his ftyle.
59. Scenes in France. Faithfully delineated .
60. An honeft Min the nobleft Work of God. This
painting poffeffes a dignified originality which is rarely
to be found in the best modern productions.
THIRD DAY'S SALE.
Mr. CUNNING, Inner Temple.

61. Planfor a Royal Palace, to be erected at Paris .
A fpirited defign, but impoffible to be executed .
62. A Magpie. A copy from nature.
63. Rafinerantz, from Hamlet . A feeble compo
fition .
Mr. JENKINS, Conduit Street.
64. Guildenstern. An unmeaning picture.
65. The Moufe Orator propofing to tie a Bell on the
Cat's Neck. Here may be difcovered fome originality
of conception, but the want of method muft ftrike
the commoneft obferver.
66. Folly with a Cap and Bells. An excellent
fketch.
67. A Puppy barking at the Moon. Done with
precision .
Mr. FITZ- OSBURN , Leeds.
68. Portrait of a Gentleman , in water- colours . A
trivial performance.
69. A Poor Poet. Uncommonly correct .
70. An Afs between two Bundles of Hay. In this
picture, doubt, wavering, appctite, and dulnefs , are
finely marked, but the tints are generally feeble and
confuſed .
Mr.
EXHIBITION EXTRAORDINARY. 377
Mr. FREDERICK , Piccadilly.
71. The Retreat of the Ten Thoufand. A miferable
daubing; an evident want of conduct in the compo
fition.
72. A General on Horseback, the Army engaged afar
of. There is a strong expreffion of wisdom and cou
rage in the face ; the back ground, however, is too
difinal.
73. Tournay Races. A faithful reprefentation
taken on the ſpot, in 1794. The enemy are feen for
cing an out-poft at a diftance. This may be confidered
as a valuable hiſtorical piece.
74. Mars and Bacchus - happily imagined : the
execution is certainly aftonishing.
Mr. EARL, Grosvenor Square .
75. An Old Satyr. A more difguſting picture was
never painted.
76. A Red-hair'd Wench. A fine piece ; it is,
nevertheless, deficient in chastity of colouring.
77. Tiberius in his Retirement- too indecent for
exhibition .
Mr. REEVESBY, Strand.
78. A Spy. Meannefs, Treachery, and Baſeneſs,
are strongly characterized in this picture ; but the var
nifh is abominable.
79. A Dirty Dog. The cur is most naturally
painted, but he is rather too filthy .
80. The Captain of a Banditti. It apparently wants
fpirit.
81. A Beaft-a Non-defcript. A more odious mon
fter was never produced by nature ; the colouring in a
proper style.
Mr. FITZ- BUCHAN, Sergeant's Inn .
82. A Counsellor pleading for the Oppreffed. This is
one of the most animated productions of modern times.
It expreffes, in a ftriking manner, Honour, Honeſty,
Eloquence, Spirit, Patriotifm, and Humanity. The
colouring is beautiful .
Mr.
Y
378 EXHIBITION EXTRAORDINAR .
Mr. HORNBY, Wimbledon Common .

83. Execution of a Letter de Cachet . The fhocking
difplay of the. favageneſs of Tyranny. This picture
appeals to the feelings of every individual .
84. A Dungeon in the Buftile, containing an English
Prifoner. The horrible gloom of the feene, and the
fufferings of the Captive Briton, are forcibly delineated.
The whole compofition denotes the experience of a
Profeffor.
85. The Repreſentatives of Hell. This well - co
loured Tableau abounds with fertility of imagination
and truth of character.
Mr. NORTHEY, Banbury.
86. The Corfican Fairy. A happy fimilitude.
87. A Secretary of State, in Miniature. This ele 1
gant little Bijou does not appear likely to laft long.
88. Portrait of King Theodore. Ridiculously defpi
cable.
89. Sancho Panza, Governor of Barataria. The
archness, the penetration , and the fimplicity of the
celebrated Efquire are not at all difcernible.
FOURTH DAY'S SALE - WITHOUT RESERVE.
Mr. SMITHSON, Abroad.

90. A Frigate on a Cruife. Totally without effect.
91. Animal Magnetifm. An inexplicable medley
of nonfenfe.
92. A Courtier. Ariftocratic importance is here
capitally difplayed .
93. Burning of a Fleet. A miferable performance ;
nor is the character of the Britiſh failors well preſerved.
Mr. MESURER, Walbrook."
94. The City Cavalry charging an old Apple- woman .
True Military Courage is in this picture moft hap
pily difplayed. The laughing and biffing groups in
the back ground are very entertaining.
95. A Lord Mayor in his Chain of Gold. This figure
denotes
denotes the moſt abject fervility ; the refpectable and

impartial magiftrate looks like a mere Treaſury Run
ner. In truth, if it were not for the chain, which is
very visible, the reprefentation would have been to
tally unintelligible.
96. The Commitment of two English Jacobins for
reading a Paper in an Eating-houfe. Abominably
done ; the French EmigrantWitness is in every refpect
diſguſting.
97. Inhumanity. Cruelly bad.
Mr. JAMES SAUNDERS, Fish Street Hill.
98. A Kicked Alderman. A droll conceit. The
hinder parts of the Magiftrate are all dirtied by the
operation it is a 'fpirited ſketch .
99. A Reptile. It is difficult to fay to what genus
this creature can belong, though it is evidently a mi
nute copy from nature.
Mr. CLARENSON, Petersham .
100. Neptune afleep in the River Jordan. There cer
tainly is no want of keeping here, but the fea-god is
laughable ; the prominence of the boisterous deity
alfo abfolutely deftroys the charming and natural ef
fect of the Jordan.
IOI . The Paradife ofNegro Slaves. A more daring
outrage on common feeling, common fenfe, and com
mon juftice, was never before prefented to the public.
102. Royal Tiger- cub. Very correctly drawn .
103. A Chip of the Old Block. A moft excellent
caricature.
Mr. JOHN FIDDLESTICK , Surry.
104. The Refurrection. A ridiculous affectation of
fomething great.
105. A Corpfe. The colours very dead indeed . It
is much to be wifhed that Painters would employ their
talents on living fubjects . The public has abfolutely
been fatiated of late by the too frequent reprefentations
of dead ones.
106. Balaam's Ass. The furprife of Balaam on
hearing
380 EXHIBITION EXTRAORDINARY .
hearing an Afs fpeak, is ludicrously expreffed ; the

flavish apathy ofthe beaft is aftonishingly exact.
107. A Time-ferver. Mean and pitiful, but the
defign natural enough.
Mr. MUMFORT, Bromley.
108. A Baboon- Miniature. Inexpreffibly def
picable.
109. Privilege. A Burlefque Sketch. This is in
deed a fcandalous degradation of the art.
Mr. STEPHEN, Weſtminſter.
IIO. A Nubble Lud.
III. A Lanned Friend. Ridiculous conceits !
112. An Uneruble Gentleman.
113. A Right Uneruble Gentleman with a Riband
on his Shoulder. Childishly pompous, and feriouſly
contemptible.
114. A Pyramid in Freeftone. Suppoſed by many
to be a type of the British Conftitution . This cele
brated piece of fculpture, for want of care, has been
very much injured ; it thews decay in all its parts,
particularly in the Bafe, which is abfolutely rotten ;
unless it receive an immediate and fubftantial repair,
it must inevitably moulder into duft.
115. The Mines of Peru . In this extraordinary
compofition there are upwards of five hundred figures,
and most of them feem to have worked the mine with
much advantage to themfelves , as they are evidently
laughing at, and infulting the proprietors.
116. Confpirators. A daftardly fet of miscreants,
the majority of whom are fo ably characterized , that
the most common obferver may almoft fwear they are
equal to any outrage upon fociety, and that they would
even fell their fouls for a mefs of porridge.
117. A Dog-kennel. An exact delineation.
118. AWar of Aes. Shockingly ridiculous .
119. The Temple of Jargon. The figure of Non
Jenfe in the chair, is well enough ; that of Humbug
alfo is not amifs ; but Loquacity has no meaning, and
Selfishness,
Selfishness, Pride, and Ignorance occupy the whole of
the fore-ground .
120. An Affembly of Beafts. Mules, apes, tigers,
and boars Now this is worshipful fociety :" if the
animals they are ſuppoſed to reprefent are like them,
they must be Beafts indeed.
121. An Hydra-formidably ferocious.
122. The Infide of the Houfe of Peers. The hallow
nes of the chamber is well drawn ; the groups are
abominable, and the lights all falſe .
123. Statue of a Defpot . The marble is coftly, but
the head miferable .
FIFTH DAY'S SALE.
Mr. ENGLISH, Little Britain.

124. A Political Suicide. The horror in this pic
ture is admirably expreffed .
125. A Blind Beggar. A melancholy piece indeed .
126. A Bully- highly characteristic .
127. Head-dreffes for the prefent Year. N. B. To
be fold by private contract, ifpowdered, at one guinea
each .
128. Adoration ofthe Devil. Fanaticiſm and brutal
ignorance were never more forcibly diſplayed .
129. A Mifer robbing himſelf. This comical piece
difcovers great originality.
130. Nobody. The head appears fwelled to an un
natural fize, while the legs and arms are withered.
131. A Sirloin of Beef. This maſter is very capital
in all culinary exertion : the famished figures, how
ever, that are eyeing the beef at a diſtance, are rather
more affecting than humorous.
132. A Cock on his own Dunghill. It fhould have
been a game bird.
ains .
133. A Bull in Chains, The creature has no fpirits,
but is evidently broken-hearted.
134. A Rich Man wallowing in Luxury, Riot, and \
Diffipation. A remarkably correct painting.
135.
Y
382 EXHIBITION EXTRAORDINAR .
135. A Poor Man ſtruggling with Cold, and Hun

ger, and Defpair. In every refpect equal to the fore
going.
136. An Idol of Gold. A rich and capital caft. It
is well worthy the attention of the city of London, as
it would cut a figure in Guildhall ; it might, how
ever, befet up with effect in any part of England .
137. The Plunder of the Eaft. In red Indian ink ;
a moft difgraceful performance.
138. A Majacre of Negroes. The flaughter and
fufferings of thefe unfortunate human beings is hor
ribly expreffed .
139. A Sea Fight. Mr. Engliſh has an uncommon
excellence in this line ; indeed he would do well to con
fine himself to it entirely ; yet even here the figures
feem too much preffed, as it were, into the canvafs ; on
which account, the freedom, if not the fpirit of the
compofition, is in a great meaſure deſtroyed.
. 9. Mr. WELCH, Pall Mall.
140. Alfredfharing bis Loaf with the Pilgrim. There
is certainly a mistake in the claffing of this picture, as
it $ cannot "" be by this mafter ; it is not at all in his
manner.
141. Eliogabalus. A lively reprefentation . The felf- '
ifhnefs, foppery, and prodigality of the young Emperor
are ftrongly marked.
142. Narciffus. A Chef- d'oeuvre.
143. A Maſquerade Hero. Vulgarly confpicuous. '
Thefe pictures have been
344. Neglected Genius . flurred over without the
145. Starving Merit.
flighteft attention ."
146. The Altar of Hymen. Mr. WELCH has here'
adopted a totally new ftyle. The public will judge
how far he is likely to be fuccefsful in it. In all the
works of this painter there is a wild unmeaning extra
vagance, a negligence of character, and a total want
of difcrimination. Whatever may be the poverty of
thefubject, his colours are always equally glaring.
Mr.
Mr. WILLIAMS, Dublin.
147. The Departure of Regulus from Rome. This
most interesting tableau is finiſhed in a grand ftyle.
The countenance of Regulus is finely animated by a
fenſe of conscious rectitude. • The defpairing multi
tude bewailing the lofs of their valued friend, has a
folemn and unparalleled effect. Here is nothing vain,
flattering, or artificial, but • all is fpirited, dignified,
and affecting.
Mr. SPRATT, Bayham .
148. A Baby. A more idiotic, ricketty child, was
never painted.
149 Phaeton. The most abominable picture that
ever came from the hand of a master. The reins are
drawn fo tight, they look as if they would break ; the
driver feems totally ignorant of what track he ſhould
purfue, and only occupied to keep fteady in his place !
If there is any merit in the compofition, it may be
found in the fpirited indignation and ungovernable
fury of the horſes, which appear heartily to defpife
the whip that is fet over them. The candid connoif
w
feur will creadily allow that Jupiter cannot too foon
hurl his thunderbolt, and dafh the booby from his
cans
150. An Infulted Nation. * The defignis daringly
original, but the artift is totally unequal to the talk of
harmonizing the groups .
151. An Afs in a Bandbox Below criticism .
Mr. CABINET, Whitehall.
152. Boys flying a Kite. The wind high, the ftring
broke, and the Kite going to the Devil. The boys
feem very much frightened, and very foolish indeed :
the whole is laughable enough.
153. Children whipping andtormenting Swine. There
is an attemptat fpirit in this defign, which is really
odious. The poor pigs are ftrongly caricatured, and
certainlywith injuftice ; for though they may be deem
jed very vulgar animals to look upon, they nevertheleſs
furniſh
384 EXHIBITION EXTRAORDINARY.
furniſh the tables of the rich and powerful with their

moft luxuriant and beft difhes..
183. Plans for Barracks. Infamouſly executed.
184. Model of a New Baftile to be erected in England.
Done in Plafter of Paris. A moſt abominable piece
of architecture, 1
185. Baiting a Bull. This patient and generous
animal is here moft difguftingly reprefented. His
horns are fawed off, his hoofs broken, his eyes blinded,
and his tongue cut out, and yet the dogs are worrying
him. The painter himſelf who could conceive fuch a
defign muft furely be a monster.
186. A Rich Man's Feaft. Soup, fiſh , fleſh , fowl,
vegetables, and paſtry, with all forts of wines, painted
in a luxuriant ftyle.
187. A Poor Man's Feaft. Bread and fmall beer.
Lamentable.
SIXTH DAY'S SALE.

S
Mr. CHUMBELLY, Malpas.
188. Avery Fine Gentleman. A coarfe and incorrect
ſketch. "
189. Pharaoh in all his Glory. A fortunate exertion.
Mr. LE BLANC, Lincoln's Inn.:
190. A Treafury Runner. Uncommonly well co
loured.
191. Mungo. The countenance of this black flave
is ftrongly expreffive of meannefs, impudence, and
malice.
Mr. HEDGECOMB, Portugal Street .
192. A Dancing Dog- Miniature. Certainly too
defpicable to be exhibited.
Mr. HARDEN, Old Sarum.
193. Two Frecholders. A fcandalous repreſentation.
194. Fathering another Man's BASTARD. There is
more genuine burlefque in this picture than in any one
exhibited. The ſhameleſs infenfibility of the adopter,
and
and the fly impudence of the real parent, are moſt

excellently contrafted.
195. A Toad-eater. A nafty diſplay of fycophantic
beaftlinefs.
Mr. HOODLY, Weſtminſter.
196. A Pirate Stealing Ships. This performance is
extraordinarily difgraceful.
197. A bot-beaded Democrat. A fatirical drawing,
vilely done.
Mr. HOWELAND , Torbay.
198. A Gallant Admiral. Boldly executed, and with
fpirit.
Mr. MORPETH , Carliſle.
199. Lord Foppington. A vaftly pretty picture .
The drapery has been critically confidered ; not a fold
mifplaced ; yet the colours are weak and changeable.
His greens are abſolutely turned to blues. This, how
ever, to the common obferver, may be deemed of
little confequence, but to the feelings of the painter
himſelf it is of infinite importance .
Mr. VILLARS, Ifle of Jerſey.
200. Acteon. A miferable defign, tamely executed.
Mr. GRIFFIN, Walden.
201. Sir Peter Pride, from Barnaby Brittle. This
piece is too highly coloured a great deal ; it is far
beyond nature.
202. A Lion in his Den. The beaft appears quite
old, but is very ferocious .
Mr. FOXLEY, Weſtminſter.
203. A Philanthropist. The character of the figure
expreffes mildnefs, patriotifm, benevolence, and mercy.
204. Hope. A very promifing picture . Should
this maſter keep fteady to his profeffion, every thing
may be expected from him in future ; for his ftyle is
extremely natural, his general defign pure, and his
manner wonderfully engaging. If this excellent painter
has a defect, it is that he too much confiders the
opinion of artifts, and does not always fufficiently
VOL. I. S attend
386 EXHIBITION EXTRAORDINARY .
attend to the gratification of the million : but this is

owing to his habits, not to his heart.
Mr. GREENFIELD, Conftitution Hill.
205. A Wild Afs . The ftupidity of the animal is
well preferved, though he is in the very act of braying.
206. An Hyana This creature, which can never
be properly tamed, is here reprefented with all its
natural favagenefs .,
207. A British Loyalift . A ftained drawing. The
man looks more like a Turkifh jauiffary than an Eng
lifhman conftitutionally attached to his country and his
king.
Mr. PRETTYFACE, Lincoln .
208. A Monk educating a young Devil. The monk
feems to be inftilling his hellish principles into his pupil
with great energy, and the imp is evidently an apt
fcholar. The general refult of this artift's labour has
been wonderfully fuccefsful.
Mr. FREEMAN , Paris.
209. A Panther- non vult panthera domari. There
is an animation and grandeur in this picture that is
aftonishing.
Mr. WHISTLEFARCE, Old Palace Yard.
210. Peace prefenting an Olive-branch. A half- con
cealed dagger is vifible under her veft ... What allegory
this picture was meant to convey, it is difficult to afcer
tain ; but probably the painter defigned to inculcate
that the fureft method to destroy an enemy, is by
wearing the mafk of friendship and goodwill. This
figure of Peace, therefore, reprefents Murder in difguife.
The moral is as infamous as the defign.
211. Emancipation of Negro Slaves. A tranfparent
painting, evidently done to produce a mere temporary
effect, and prettily coloured, ad captandum vulgus ; but
the piece has not been laboured with that fteady perfe
verance and care which are neceffary to enfure an
artist's reputation .
212. A Methodist imploring Heaven to enflave Man
kind. Piety is in this picce moft ludicrously burlefqued .
I 213.
EXHIBITION EXTRAORDINARY 387
*
213. Shepherdsfinging Pfalms. The poor fheep do
not feem to have been in any manner attended to, as
they are apparently dying of the rot. The following
lines of Milton may, perhaps, be applicable to this
picture :
" Of other care they little reck'ning make,
Than how tofcramble at the fhearer's feast,
And fhove away the worthy bidden gueft ;
Blind mouths ! that fcarce themfelves know how to hold
A fheep-hook, or have learn'd aught elfe the leaft
That to the faithful herdfman's art belongs !
What recks it them? What heed they? They are fped,
And when they lift, their lean and flashy fongs
Grate on their ferannel pipes of wretched ftraw ;
The hungryfheep look up, and are not fed,
But fwoln with wind, and the rank mift they draw,
Rot inwardly, and foul contagion ſpread :
Befides what the grim wolf with privypaw
Daily devours apace, and nothing fed.'
214. A Weathercock in a Whirlwind. It is here im
poflible to form any idea what the artiſt means.
SEVENTH DAY'S SALE .
Mr. GRAME, Montrofe.

215. Mafter Shallow. A very lively reprefentation
of this well- known dramatic character.
216. Sincerity. A feeble attempt in very weak
water- colours .
Mr. BELGROVE, Grofvenor Place.
217. A Jackdaw. Incomparably well painted.
218. A Peacock. Looks very proud and fooliſh.
Mr. BLACKFORD, Hinton .
219. A Gentleman at Coventry. The back ground
infamous.
Mr. RICHARD HELSEY, Upper Harley Street.
220. A grand Inquifitor. This picture is in the
obfolete ftyle of Cimaboe, who flourished just before
the revival of the arts. There is a monkish gloom
about it that difgufts ; befides, it wants that ftrength of
S 2 light
NARY
388 EXHIBITION EXTRAORDI .
light which fo eminently diftinguiſhes our beſt modern

productions.
221. Burning of Heretics, being a reprefentation of
an auto-da-fe- defigned with fome fpirit, but this
mafter is not equal to the execution .
222. Turks forcing Chriftian Slaves to go to Mofque.
This is a whimsical performance. The Turks are vio
lating every law of the Koran, are drinking wine, and
indulging themſelves in all the beaftlinefs of vice, while
the poor Chriftian flaves (who appear to have more
need of food than prayer) are ſtripped, and fcourged,
and compelled to cry Alla ! Alla!
223. Devotion . This artist conceives that the
pure character of holiness may be expreffed by length
ening out the vifage, and turning up the whites of the
eyes .
224. Models of Churches, built in the dark ages.
This style of architecture is much too Gothic, fombre,
and ill-proportioned, to be again adopted at the con
clufion of the eighteenth century .
Mr. WARTON, Beverly.
225. Shearing a Hog, great Cry and little Wool.
Contemptible. This artift does not feem to have
made up his mind to his profeffion.
226. A Snail. The drawing in of the horns of this
reptile is very naturally delineated ; but the fubject
fcarce deferves criticism .
227. Will o' the Wifp. The illufive luftre not amifs.
Mr. BANNASTER, Liverpool.
228. Ancient Piftol. There is nothing of the ancient
difcernible in this picture, but the fomewhat boaftful
expreffion of the mouth ; for the figure clearly denotes
manly fortitude and generous intrepidity.
229. A Good Fellow. Cheerfulnefs, conviviality,
liberality, and ſpirit, pleaſingly characterized.
230. African Slaves. Here this mafter fails ; it is
ſeriouſly to be lamented that he does not relinquish
fuch fubjects, as they tend to injure his reputation.
Mr.
EXHIBITION EXTRAORDINARY . 389
Mr. SURLOW, Norwood.
231. A Bear with a fore Head. The grumbling of
the beaft is finely given : the obſerver may almost
fancy he hears him growl.
232. Adam turned out of Paradife. Though Adam
has left Paradife, it does not appear that he was fent
away naked; for he feems to be well clothed and
well fed . The fine expreffion which diftinguiſhes a
ftate of innocence is gone ; nor is it poffible now to
fuppofe him faying, " When I forget Paradife, may
Heaven forget me !" The figure is coarſe and brutal .
233. A Canterbury Tale. A moſt diſgraceful per
formance .
Th Mr. NUGENT , Temple.
234. A Back Staircafe. A dark piece of bufinefs
altogether.
235. Pompofity. Inimitably ridiculous.
236. An Irish Duft. This artift may claim all the
merit of the originality of this defign. The execution
is wonderful ; for a finer duft never has been kicked up
any where.
Mr. PEPPER, Haftings.
237. Statue of Demofthenes in black marble. The
expreffion of the countenance is uncommonly mean ;
but this perhaps may be owing, in fome degree, to the
noſe being defective. The fpirit of the orator is totally
wanting, and, indeed, he feems now to be learning
to ſpeak with ftones in his mouth . The head is very
bad indeed.
238. A tame Jackal. The docile character of this
animal is well expreffed . It appears capable of fetch
ing and carrying, and playing all the tricks of a dog ;
yet the favagenefs of its nature is ftill difcernible.
Mr. WHITEBREDE, Bedford .
239. The Horrors of War. A very animated com
pofition. This mafter has great excellence in his
defigns, and poffeffes confiderable ability.
$ 3 Mr.
390 ON THE REPRESENTATION OF VORTIGERN .
Mr. LENOX, Richmond..
240. Plans of various Fortifications. Very foolish
plans. The painter knows nothing of the art which
he means to illuftrate.
241. Uncle Toby riding his Hobby- horſe. The hobby
horfe is tolerably well hit off ; but the character of
Uncle Toby is not at all preferved . Inttead offimplicity,
philanthropy, courage, gentleness, and honour, this
figure evidently fhews meannefs, avarice, felfiſhneſs,
arrogance, and cruelty.
242 The Garden of Reform. This landſcape, which
certainly does more credit to the artist's talents than
any one he has ever produced, is left unfinished ; and
he now declares his utter deteftation of the fubject .
He is, neverthelefs , fo tenacious of his original defign,
that he has abfolutely thrown an honeft man into
prifon, for merely taking a copy of the drawing.
243. An Extortioner Jelling Coals to the Poor. The
unfeeling rapacity of the extortioner is ftrongly marked.
An immenfe multitude are paying him a guinea each .
The number of the crowd gives a difgraceful effect to
the whole compofition . They apparently,
" Computed by their pecks of coals,
Amount to twenty thoufand fouls ! "
244. A Nobleman on a King's Birthday. The Noble
man feems to be highly gratified by a piece of blue
riband, which he wears acrofs his fhoulder. Yet the
countenance is expreffive of carelefs contempt, as
though he were faying, " What care 1 for a King's
birthday!" This artift wants confiftency of ftyle.
ZA WA
CANTOS
ON THE REPRESENTATION OF VORTIGERN .
CANTO I.
THE iron cheft,
I truit,
Is laid to reft,
And ruft ;
And
ON THE REPRESENTATION OF VORTIGERN. 391
And in it Vortigern
Might find a worthy urper
Where foul, and body too ( now dead and damn'd) ,
May both be few'd, and boild, and fluff'd, and cramm'd ;
Thence never more to budge,
Or bellow forth again his old trunk fudge ;
Patch-work moſt vile, of breds and remnants made,
From Richard's regal robe, and Macbeth's belted plaid.
This play was call'd a tragedy, ſo deep,
That no one hearing it could chooſe but weep ;
But tragi-comedy ' twas deem'd, I ween,
When Phillimore,
Like a great boar
Rolling on earth, with his huge fnout, was feen,
And tragi-comedy turn'd to broad farce, .
As foon as Father Benfon fhew'd his
At fight of this all prefent cried with laughter,
And never could compofe their muſcles after.
Some thought it ferious, fome a jeft, and fome
Swore it was a bad burleſque on Thomas Thumb,
Thus in a mortal merry way
Ended this play,
Of which no more muft now be faid,
Becauſe we fhould not ſpeak ill of the dead.
But that's no reason for not giving
All praiſe and merit due unto the living.
Whitfield led on, and fill'd the poft of danger,
Of pioneering for the baflard ftranger;
When, lo ! his boneft mem'ry did refuſe
To be the herald of a spurious mufe ;
Therefore, to speak the prologue to the play
(Which in like cafes, is the ufual way) ,
His tender confcience wifely did decline,
Becauſe he hadforgotten every line.
And great his indignation was, and great his rage,
When forc'd to read it from the prompter's page.
Then follow'd Benfley, who began to pray,
Hoping his orifons might fave the play ;
But finding ali hope vain, like a wife wight,
He went to bed, and with'd the house good night,
And in his fleep choſe rather to beflain,
Than in the fecond act to wake again !
s 4 CANTO
392 ON THE REPRESENTATION OF VOrtigern .
CANTO II.
Kemble next grac'd the ſtage, who well, I ween,
May fairly boaft
To be himſelf an hoft
Upon the tragic ſcene ;
Nor on his manly form, before that night,
Had royal robes e'er awkwardfat, or tight.
" Hyperion's locks-thefront ofJove," and fo on,
To do bim juftice, we fhould go on.
But this one needed not to tell,
Becauſe all know it paffing well.
Upon the stage, and off, Tom King, the world can tell, -
Hath often play'd the fool, and always well ;
Nor e'er before had prov'd to be himself
So damn'd a fool, and fuch afenfeless elf,
As thus to risk his talents and his fame,
And prostitute thefanction of his name,
Tofoift a part upon the partial town,
Which Merry Andrews would have bluſh'd to own.
Kemble, the young, in well-feign'd earneſt ſpoke
What he himſelf confider'd as a joke,
Grave as ajudge, till paft his fixtieth year,
When fymptoms of a fimile 'gan to appear,
And when he stuck Probofcis Phillimore,
He "fet" himſelf and " audience in a roar ; " -
No caufe for wonder was there, as I ween
A merrier murder ne'er before was feen.
Jordan, like Benfley, with great pathos pray'd,
And look'd, and figh'd, andfung like any love-fick maid ;
And, truth to ſay,
Full much the play
Did ſtand in need of all ſuch fing- fong aid.
But yet (hove'er array'd in blank verfe tears),
When Jordan in the tragic field appears,
'Tis ftill Thalia, in Melpom's fad part ;
And, though the does not go quite to the heart,
She comes fo devilish near it, that our eyes
At once confefs our feeling and ſurpriſe.
But all the torn can tell,
When coblers are abroad, how Nell
Forces
ON THE REPRESENTATION OF VORTIGERN . 393
Forces pit, box, and galleries to adore her,
Storms John Bull's beart, and carries all before her.
Then, Jordan, be advis'd, nor e'er again
Walk in your tragic fiſter's weeping train,
And, 'ftead of whining in a tragic court,
“ Ecod”—get drunk with conj rors—“ that's yourfort!”
CANTO III.
Yourbeauty, Powell, and majestic mien,
Full well befit the perfon of a queen ;
And you did look your fufferings fo well,
Fell critics ceas'd a while their damning yell,
In filence on thy lovely form to gaze,
And mute attention was the bett of praiſe ;
Calm'd was the troubled pit-the galleries too
All clamour ceas'd, except-applaudingyou.
Next ſpeak we of the furious brothers two,
Tall Barrymore, and taller Caulfield, who,
With duty, and their damn'd long legs, did come
To Scotland, at a hop, fiep, jump, from Rome ;
Prepar'd alike to murder-or to wed
To kill a king- orfeek a —
—orſeek !
Miller perform'd with fo much winning art,
And Benfon play'd fo well his pimping part,
That I defy all Drury's bawdy Lane,
Ay, and all Covent Garden's lewd domain,
And ev'ry tavern, brothel, bagnio,flew ,
( Each, in their way) , to find a fitter two ;
And if Dad Hengift, and the Saxon Mifs,
Be not both ſatisfied with praiſe like this,
They muſt the most unreaſonable be
Of all old panders he, -of pretty harlots ſhe!
Of portly British Barons there were plenty,
Not fewer, I believe, than twenty ;
Right beefy Barons all-good men and round,
Whofefolid worth (wholesale, or by the pound)
Would, in nofcale, I think, be wanting found ; }
And if together weigh'd againſt a team,
Waggon, broad wheels, and all, would kick the beam ;
Unless, by chance, a copy of the play
Should in the bottom of faid waggon lay !
35
394 8 STARVING STATE OF FRANCE ,
Before the critics ' front row of the pit,.

Methought Jack Bannister did chucklingfit
Chin deep i' th' orcheſtra, and feem'd to ſay,
" Iflaughingbe the order ofthe day,
" Damn me, I think, Ifhould be in the play."
And now we'll (con amore) ſpeak,
Thoughlaft, not leaft , of little cherub Leak,
With laughing eyes, and rofy-dimpling cheek.
With lips ( although the fimile ' s not new)
" Like ripeft cherries moift with dew ;"
And teeth more palling white,
More dazzling to the fight,
Than fpotlefs fnowdrops newly born,
Bright glittering in the eye of radiant morn,
Whenever and wherever the appears,
Her fweet fimplicity and youthful years,
Her looks, her manner, and becoming fears,
}
Her voice, far faveeter than all things on earth,
Except the breath itſelfthatgives it birth !
STARVING STATE OF FRANCE.

A LETTER FROM AN ENGLISH GENTLEMAN IN PARIS* .
[From the Telegraph ]
SIR,
HAVE often expreffed my furpriſe at the ignorance
I
betrayed in the London newſpapers, when they pre
tend to give accounts of the ſtate of affairs here. You
may
* This article was written in ridicule of a number of paragraphs,

which appeared in the Sun, True Briton , & c. and of which the fol
lowing will ferve as a fpecimen.
Monday.- - The people of Paris are almoft eating their laft eruft ;
they are extremely clamorous at the fhops of the bakers, grocers, &c.
and nothing but the fear of the guillotine could poffibly reftrain them."
Tuesday, " The popularity of Robespierre, and the rest of the
curfed Convention, is day declining ; the people are now beginning
to fee how much they are impofed upon by theſe tyrants."
Wednesday-" Such is the weak ftate of the French armies, and
the increafing force of the allies, that hardly any circumftance which
can arife will prevent the latter being at Paris before the end of the
campaign."
Thursday
STARVING STATE OF FRANCE . 395
may be affured, my dear Sir, that we are far from be
ing in the flouriſhing fituation they are pleafed to re
prefent. For fix weeks paft, Paris has been one undi
vided and uninterrupted fcene of famine, which ex
ceeds any thing of the kind ever heard of; and if Paris
has been fo, you may form a judgment of the un
happy ftate of the other parts of the kingdom .
It has, in particular, been faid, that our bread was
made of chopped ftraw or hay. Alas ! nothing of
that kind have 1 been able to procure ; the beſt bread
now to be had is made of rotten beams of wood, rafped
fine, and mixed with foap-lather. This is 200 livres
per pound, and very fcarce at that price. As to but
cher's meat, before it difappeared totally, a pound of
beef fold for an affignat of 500 livres, and I faw a dia
mond ring of great value given in exchange for a calf's
pluck . About the fame time 200 livres were given
for a fmall loin of lamb , and fome chopped horſe-hair,
of which they made mint fauce.
Occafional variations, but very flight ones, will take
place ; but the following are, I believe, the average prices
of our prefent markets, if I may call them fo. Dog's
flefh , fifty livres a pound ; cat's ditto, eighty livres ;
a good fized rat, thirty livres ; a brace of mice, thirty
livres ; a feaman's bifcuit freth, 100 livres ; ditto, with
Thursday. " It is now pofitively faid, that the royaliſts in La Vendée

are fhewing themſelves with increafing formidability. A body of
10,000 republicans was cut to picces by them a few days ago, and
10,000 more are faid to have joined the ftandard of royalty." 15%
Friday. " A report is current, which is generally credited, as it
comes from the moſt refpectable authority, that Robespierre was affaf
finated in his bed, at fifteen minutes and a half paft five on Monday
morning laft ; that the other members of the Convention were after
wards maffacred - the people mounted the white cockade, proclaimed
the Dauphin King, and a counter-revolution was completely effected.”
Saturday.—“ We are extremely forty to fay that the late accounts,
fo confidently told, of the fucceffes of the royalifts in La Vendée- the
affaffination of Robespierre-and the bringing about a counter-revo
lution, are at prefent rather premature.— We hope, however, in the
courfe of a few days to have it in our power to prefent the public with.
a full confirmation of thefe important events."
s.6 worms,
396 L'ALLEGRO .
worms, fifty livres ; milk per pint, forty livres ; the

few cows that yield it, are obliged to have a guard of
200 foldiers each for their protection ; wine, the fmalleft
fort, 300 livres a bottle . Poultry has long difappeared,
but a crow fetches fifty livres ; and a parrot, killed by
accident, a few days ago, was fold for double that
price.
L'ALLEGRO.
A PARODY .
OFF, blubb'ring Melancholy !
Of the blue devils and book-learning born,
In dufty ſchools forlorn,
Amongft black gowns, fquare caps, and books unjolly,
Hunt out fome college cell,
Where muzzing quizzes utter monkiſh ſchemes
And the old Proctor dreams :
There, in thy finutty walls, o'er-run with dock,
As ragged as thy fmock,
With rusty fufty fellows ever dwell .
But come, thou baggage fat and free,
By Gentles called Feftivity,
And by us rolling kiddies - Fun,
Whom Mother Shipton, one by one,
With two Wapping wenches more,
To ſkipping Harlequino bore.
Or whether, as fome deeper fay,
Jack Pudding, on a holyday,
Along with Jenny Diver romping,
As he met her once a pumping,
There, on heaps of dirt and mortar,
And cinders wath'd in cabbage water,
Fill'd her withthee-a ftrapping laffie,
So fpunky, brazen, bold, and ſaucy.
Hip ! here, jade ! and bring with thee
Jokes and fnigg'ring Jollity,
Chriſtmas gambols, waggifh tricks,
Winks, wry faces, licks, and kicks,
Such
L'ALLEGRO. 397
Such as fall from Moggy's knuckles,
And love to live about her bu k es ;
Spunk, that hobbling watchmen boxes,
And Hortelaugh hugging both his doxies ;
Come, and kick it as you go ~~
On the ftumping hornpipe toe ;
F
And in thy right hand haul with thee
The mountain brim-- French Liberty ;
And, if I give thee puffing due,
Fun, admit me of thy crew
To pig with her, and pig with thee, 1
In everlafting frolics free ; 14
To hear the fweep begin his beat,
And, fqualling, startle the dull ftreet, R
From his watch-box in the alley,
Till the watch at fix doth fally ; IN
Then to go, in fpite of fleep,
And at the window cry-" Sweep, fweep !"
Through the ftreet- door, or the area,
Or, in the country, through the dairy; H
While the duftman , with his din,
Bawls, and rings, to be let in ;
And , at the fore, or the back door,
Slowly plods his jades before ;
Oft hearing the fow- gelder's horn
Harfhly roufe the fnoring morn,
From the fide of fome large fquare, K
Through the long ftreet gruntling far.
F
Sometimes walking I'll be feen
By Tower-hill, or Moorfields green,
Right againſt old Bedlam gate,
Where the mock King begins his ſtate
Crown'd with ftraw and rob'd with rags,
Cover'd o'er with jags and tags,
While the Keeper, near at hand,
Bullies thofe that leave their ſtand ;
And milkmaids ' ſcreams go through your ears,
And grinders fharpen rufty fheers,
And ev'ry crier fqualls his cry,
Under each window he goes by.
Straight mine eye hath caught new gambols,
While round and round this town it rambles ;
Sloppy
RO
398 L'ALLEG .
Sloppy streets and foggy day,

Where the blund'ring folks do ftray;
Pavements, on whofe greafy flags
Swearing coachmen flog their nags ;
Barbers joftled ' gainſt your fide,
Narrow streets and gutters wide.
Grub-street garrets now it fees,
To the Mufe open, and the breeze ;
Where, perhaps, fome fcribbler hungers
The hack of neighbouring newfmongers.
Hard by a tinker's furnace (mokes,
From betwixt two paſtry-cooks, 2
Where dingy Dick and Peggy met,
Are at their fcurvy dinner fet
Of cow-heel and fuch cellar meffes,.
Which the fplay-footed Rachael dreffes
And then with hafte her mate fhe leaves,
And, with the boy, the bellows heaves ; B
Or, if ' t is late, and thop be fhut,
Scrubs, at the pump, her face from ſmut..
Sometimes, all for fights agog,
To t' other end oftown I jog,
When St. James's bells ring round,
And the royal fiddles found ;
When ev'ry lord and lady's bum
Jigs it in the drawing-room,
And young and old dance down the tune,
In honour of-- the fourth of June ;
Till candles fail, and eyes are fore
Then hie we home to talk it o'er,
With ftories told of many a treat
How Lady Swab the ſweetmeats eat !
She was pinch'd-and fomething worſe,
And fhe was fobb'd, and loſt her purſe !!
Tell how the drudging fweat,
To bake his cuflards duly fet,
When in one night, ere clock went ſeven;
His 'prentice-lad had robb'd the oven
Of more than twenty hands had put in,
Then lies him down- the little glutton !
Stretch'd lumb'ring ' fore the fire, they tell ye,
And bakes the custards in his belly ;
Then
L'ALLEGRO . 399
Then crop-fick, down the ftairs he flings
Before his mafter's bell yet rings.
Thus done the tales, to bed they creep,
By hoofs and wheels foon lull'd afleep.
But the city takes me then ,
And the hums of bufy men,
Where throngs of trainband Captains bold
In times of peace, fierce meetings hold,
With ftores of stock-jobbers, whofe lies
Work change of stocks and bankruptcies :
While bulls and bears alike contend
To get that cafh they dare not fpend.
Then let Aldermen appear,
In fcarlet robe with chandelier,
And city feafts and gluttony,
With balls upon the Lord Mayor's day ;
Sights that young ' prentices remember
Sleeping and waking all November.
Then to the Playhouſes anon,
If Quick or Banniſter be on,
Or drolleft Parfons, child of Drury,
Bawls out his damns with comic fury. 1
And ever against hum-drum cares, 隐
Sing me fome of Dibdin's airs ;
Married to his own queer wit,
Such as my fhaking fides may fplit,
In notes, with many a jolly bout,
Near Beaufort's Buildings oft roar'd out,
With wagging curls, and fmirks fo cunning,
His rig on many a booby running,
Expofing all the ways and phizzes
Of " Wags, and Oddities, and Quizzes ; "
That Shuter's felf might heave his head
From drunken fnoozes, on a bed
Of pot-houfe benches fprawl'd, and hear
Such laughing fongs as won the ear
Of all the town, his flip to cover,
Whene'er he met ' em half-feas o'er. 1
f ;
Freaks like thefe if thou canst give,
Fun, with thee I wish to live.
A&. " L2 LETTER

( 400 )
LETTER FROM A LADY.

[From the Morning Chronicle.]"
SIR,
ALTHOUGH the various paragraphs reſpecting me
which have appeared in the papers, may have
prejudiced the public againſt my character, I hope you
will do me the juſtice to infert this letter, the object of
which is to entreat that the public will candidly fuf
pend their judgment until I have had a fair trial, which
I have not yet obtained .
I hope it will appear, Sir, that when all the circum
ftances of my unhappy affair are laid before the public,
they will fee that I have been undone by a variety of
feductions which 1a female can hardly withſtand, efpe
cially a lone woman like me, who loft my beft protec
tors many years ago. I hope it will appear that I was
betrayed in an evil, an unguarded hour, by the flatter
ing tongue of my dear William (dear indeed has he
been to me), and that, owing to no fault of mine, I
have loft my reputation in the eyes of a cenforious
world. But it is not true that I did not make refift
ance, and my marriage, as it was called, was nothing
lefs than a downright rape. As to my own property,
the dear perfidious man knew he might command it
when he pleaſed ; but to meddle with the property of
others entruſted to my care, and leave me nothing but
a parcel of rags to give them, was truly cruel.
And why, you will fay, did I truft him? Alas ! you
knownot what a good young man he was when I first got
acquainted with him . Lord ! it would have done you
good to hear him talk about reformation and economy.
I thought, to be fure, I might truft him with untold
gold, and fo did thouſands at that time ; but fomehow
he got into bad company, and you know what evil
communications will do. However, he concealed
even this from me a long while, and I never fcrupled
to accommodate him when I could, till a few years
ago, he took it in his head to quarrel with a neighbour
of
LETTER FROM A LADY. 401
of his, becauſe his houfe happened to take fire by the

neglect of his fervants, and nothing would pleafe my
fpark but that his neighbour fhould keep the houſe
burning till he put it out. Nay, fuch a notion had he
of being an extinguiſher, that he even fet fire to his
own houſe, and nothing could convince him he was
wrong till the fire had got to fuch a head that I don't
believe he will be able to fave an article ; and I fup
pofe he is not infured, for no perfon can find his
policy. What is worſe, he got into ſuch a paffion with
fome people who attempted to quench the flames, that
he actually committed them to the watch -houſe, from
which, after a great many words, they were releaſed,
nothing being proved against them. "
It was about this time that he began to behave with
more freedom to me than was decent, and was per
petually in want of money, which I offered to let him
have if he could let me have proper fecurity. And
what do you think he did? He at one time brought a
dozen or two of wine, and then a parcel of powdered
wigs, and laſt of all a cargo of dogs, which he valued,
he faid, at three fhillings apiece. It was now I began
to distrust him ; but oh , Sir ! never let frail woman con
fide in one who has deceived her. Importunity fol
lowed upon importunity- carefs upon careſs-till one
fatal day-a Sunday- a day on which I never uſed to
have company- he feized on my ſtrong box , and threat
ened what he would do if I did not comply. My
-
guardians were out of the way, and let my bluſhes
ſpeak the reft .
The ftory was foon blown- the fruits of our con
nexion were too apparent-but I am now fuing for a
divorce, though at prefent my principal witneffes , are
abroad. Till that be obtained , I expect to be treated
with the delicacy due to my fex and my frailty ; and am,
Sir, yours, & c.
THE LADY IN THREADNEEDLE STREET .
THE
( 402 )
THE ANNIVERSARY DINNER .

TUNE - Black Joke.
Darby Sheridan's (an Irish Chairman ) Account of the Din
ner given by a Great Man at the Shakespear, where every
Man paid for himſelf.
[From the True Briton.]
BLOOD and ' ouns ! my dear Pat ! it ne'er coft me fo dear,
As October the 10th at the Head of Shakespear ;
'Twas a black joke for my pocket fo light.
Like O'Rourke's noble feast it willne'er be forgot,
Though Fox gave the dinner, each man paid I is fhot ;
And what's very odd, and you'll fearce think it true,
I believe 't was ourſelves that paid his reck'ning too.
There were stay- makers plenty who wrought with Tom
Paine, 3
And fome young men from Woolwich, not long from the:
chain ;
With their black legs and ftockings fo white.
And there was the Captain that writes for the news,
They lately can't tell what's become of his mufe
But this we all know, that, wherever the ' s fled,
She's ftrolling about, or the ' s begging her bread,
With her dull jokes and bladderum fkite.
And then there was Sherry, my own near a-kin,
I'll foon get a penfion, if he could get in,
With his flyjoke and fancy fo bright.
I'm fure we fhould thank him with hearts and with fouls,
Says he, looking at me, " Succefs to the Poles;"
On which I got up and attempted to speak,
But they laugh'd till their fides were just ready to break.
Then Fox gave a toaſt about bloodſhed and ſcaffolds,
What a pity he always don't win when he raffles !
His black beard it is my delight.
He talk'd a long time 'bout an iron rod;
And drank long life to one Sidney that's under the ſod→→→
And as foon as they emptied their glaffes to Sidney,
They bumper'd John Hampden, one of the fame kidney.
Some clapp'd, fome huzza'd- in the midst of the din ,
As the devil would have it, the reck'ning came in,
'Twas a black joke that made fome people white.
For
MISERIES OF KINGSHIP,` 403
For money the group werefans culottes enough,

That's to fay, they look'd blue with their bottoms in buff
I threw down my cash, when I found myself thamm'd,
But to dine there again, if I do I'll be d-d..
With my tol tol, tol de re dol.
MISERIES OF KINGSHIP.
[From the Morning Chronicle .]
MR. EDITOR,
HAVING lately feen an extract on the miſeries of
Kingfhip, from Maphæus's additional Canto to
the Æneid, by one of your contemporaries , who, I dare
fay, thought he had found a mare's neft of recondite li
terature, I fend you the whole paffage, with the tranf
lation, which I hope you will think, with me, conveys
the true fpirit of the original.
Tunc fic illacrymans Rex alto corde Latinus
Verba dabat : quantas humana negotia motus,
Alternafque vices mifcent ! quo turbine fertur
Vita hominum ! O fragilis damnofa fuperbia fceptri !
O furor, O nimium dominandi innata cupido.
Mortales quo cæca vehis ! quo gloria tantis
Inflatos transfers animos quæfita periclis !
Quot tecum infidias, quot mortes, quanta malorum
Magnorum tormenta geris ! quot tela, quot enfes
Ante oculos (fi cernis) habes ! heu dulce venenum
Et mundi lethalis honos ! heu triftia regni
Munera, quæ haud parvo conftent, and grandia rerum
Pondera, quæ nunquam placidam permittere pacem ,
Nec requiem conferre queant ! heu fortis acerbæ
Et mifera regale decus ; magnoque timori
Suppofitos regum cafus pacique negatos !
X.
Latinus then, with leaking eyes,
Proceeded thus to fermonize :
" What clouds of ills, with whirlwinds furly,
Make human life an hurly-burly !
One while we ' re rais'd to higheſt pitch,
Now headlong thrown into a ditch !
O d- n
404 DEGRADATION of the king's horses.
O d-na fceptre ! he who takes it,.

A million to a farthing breaks it !
O happy Love-rule, murd'rous hag, 40
Whither doft thou blind mortals drag ?
'Tis thou to battle eggeſt kings,
As well as louts to wrestling rings ;
What flaughters, blood, and wounds, and quarrels,
Thefe heroes undertake for laurels !
Fantaftic plant, that's chiefly found
To flourish in-romantic ground ;
In fhort, this glory, that men greet,
Is but a vapour and a cheat.
Nor need folks envy us, God knows,
Our drums, and trumpets, and fine clothes ;
We've caufe fufficient to abhor ' em,
We pay fo curfed dearly for 'em.
Abroad we muſt not walk alone,
Or else we ' re pinn'd within the throne ;
While our ftate nurfes guard us there,
As children in the cacking chair,
And fill our head with ghofts and ſprites,
That will not let us fleep a-nights.
Such is our envy'd royal lot,
The bleffed bargains Kings have got !"
ON OBSERVING TWO OF THE KING'S HORSES

DEGRADED TO THE LOW OCCUPATION
OF DRAWINC A HACKNEY COACH * .
FROM the age of old Adam the horſe has been made
The painter's delight and the poet's bright theme ;
Each faculty prais'd, and extoll'd to the (kies
From his hoofs to his haunches, his ears and his eyes,
By ſculptors in granite and marble array'd. -
And with heroes recorded by fame.
E'en
* The circumftance alluded to in the prefent article was by many

perfons converted into a charge of want of feeling againſt the moft il
luftrious perfonage in the kingdom. We are happy to have ſeveral
anecdotes to relate of an oppofite tendency. His Mobferving one
day, while hunting the fag, that a nobleman was abfent, who gene
sally
REAL ANECDOTE OF A QUAKER, 405
E'en kings to the horſe have their patronage granted,
And trophies erected to ſpread his renown,
From the horſe that the hero of Macedon bore
(Bucephalus, Xanthus, and multitudes more)
To Caligula's horfe, that the emperor wanted
To make commandant of the town ! 1
Now, doom'd in his age to perpetual toil,
No Caligula comes to provifion his rack;
But, from fringes of gold, and from trappings of ſtate,
And the pride of parading round Buckingham Gate,
See Bucephalus doom'd, for a fhilling a mile,
To end his career in a hack !
S. P. H.
REAL ANECDOTE OF A QUAKER.

N honeft country Quaker, who was lately driving "
AN
his calf to Manchefter market, put a flaming
cockade upon one fide of its head, and being met on
the road by a friend, who inquired of him what he was
driving before him, the Quaker replied, in his plain
country dialect, " Doesn't thou fee, friend, what I am
driving before me? A young recruit, to be fure." I
Upon which the other demanded of him, where he
was going with him ? " Why, where doft thou think I 1
am going with him ?" anfwered ¦
"" the Quaker, " but to
the butcher's flaughter- houſe. '
rally diſtinguiſhed hinfelf upon fuch occafions , eagerly aſked what was
become of him. He was told that his abſence was attributable to the
'want of his horfes, which the derangement of his finances had com
pelled him to fell.--“ Oh !” anfwered the K-~ , " tell him he muſt 1
come: no hunt without H- ; no hunt without H- ." The next
hunting day, the nobleman, to whom this had been reported, ap 1
peared on a borrowed ſteed ; but was prevented from again having
recourfe to his friends, by a prefent of one thouſand pounds given him
by his Mto buy a horfe. To another nobleman in diſtreſs, his
M is faid to have prefented a fum of three times that amount. An
inftance of his feeling may alſo be drawn from the commiferation he
expreffes for the first city magiftrate, when relating the circumftances
of his firft vifit to St. Paul's. " It was a very bad day-a very bad
indeed. And there was the poor dear Lord Mayor on one of my caft
horſes, with the rain pouring down upon his fine cloak and wig. I
was grieved for him-grieved for him-very much grieved indeed."
MARAT.
( 406 )
MARAT.
-
POLITICAL ECLOGUE,
WITH VARIATIONS , IMITATIONS , AND NOTES CRITICAL
AND EXPLANATORY .
THE ARGUMENT.
ROSE and BURGESS , two celebrated directors ofthe Minifterial
Journals, and occafionally given to writing in them, meet, and
lament the death of MARAT. The one regrets the mischief
which their caufe may fuftain by his untimely lofs ; the other,
confoling himself with the memory of the good he has already
done it, decrees him immortal honours.
ROSE.
NIGHT of the Catgut! oily chief of men !
K
Friend of my fame, and partier of my pen !
Since well we know thy paragraphic ſkill,
Try ifthy voice for once can match thy quill.
Wake the fad ſtrain'; attend a patriot's hearſe 5
With triftful numbers and lugubrious verſe :
Apt is the time, illuftrious is the theme,
Nor thou the meanet of the Mufes' team ,
IMITATIONS.
Verfe 1 and 2.] Knight ofthe Catgut, &c.--Partner of my Pea !
Cur non Meffe, boni quoniam convenimus ambo, &c.
NOTES .
Verse 1 ] Knight of the Catgut ! oily chief of men!
This introductory addrefs from the Secretary to his poetical comrade
is highly interesting; and principally fo becaufe it brings the reader
acquainted at once with the various avocations of that very diftin
guiſhed character. The mufician, the pickle-man , and the paragraph
writer, burft upon us at one and the fame moment ! We trust that the
doubts which have arifen with refpect to the riginal purfuits of the
Under-Secretary, will be now entirely done away by this decifive tef
timony of his friend and companion.
Oily chief of men.] A very poetical phrafe for an eminent oilman ! The
expreffion is Greek Mr. Rose feerns on this occafion to have had in
his eye the ' Ava avdgav of Homer. Some, indeed, have attributed the
whole ofthefe two lines to Lord BELGRAVE.
Fo
POLITICAL ECLOGUE. 407
For oft I've heard enraptur'd fwineherds tell
Sir JOSEPH MAWBEY fings not halfſo well. 10
BURGESS .
MAWBEY, bafe loon ! dare he with me contend ?
What will not next thefe fow-geiders pretend ?
Now, now ' t is plain, rank envy fir'd his breaſt,
Me with mock fondneſs when he thus addreſt :
" Rafh youth! in vain to lucklefs rhyme betray'd, 15
Leave not the pickle for the tuneful trade,
Lo, ambush'd critics haunt the doubtful way ;
Not thy own acid half fo fharp as they!
But bounteous Europe fpreads for thee her ſtores,
Her olives Spain, Weftphatia fends her boars ; 20
Oxford, that mark'd thy reaſon's earlieſt dawn1---
Oxford 't is all the can ! fhall fend her brawn."
With artful counfel thus my ears he crams,
I fmok'd his drift-but would not ſmoke his hams.
ROSE .
Ver. 10.] Sir JOSEPH MAWBEY.

Montibus in noftris folus tibi certet Amyntas.
Ver. 11 and 12.] MAWBFY, baſe loon !
Quidfi idem certet Phœbumfuperare canendo ?
Ver. 15 to 18.] Rafh youth , &c. -Not thy own acid, &c.
Cautius ut evo velles te credere marti:
-Metuenfque moneret
Acres effe viros ! Encid. Lib. XI.
NOTES.
Ver. 15. Rafh youth ! -
Our author by no means conceives himſelf confined by his ſubject to
the DAPHNIS, although he has imitated that work in the conftruction
of his Poem. Accordingly we may obferve, that in this place he
makes a fudden tranfition to the beautiful verfes of VIRGIL on the
death of PALLAS , in the eleventh Eneid :
Non hac oPalla ! dederas promiffa parenti
Cautius, &c. &c.
Ver 24 ] 1fmok'd his drift, but would not smoke his hams.
The jealoufy of Sir JOSEPH, who must have been blind indeed not
to have ſeen a growing rival in the Under-Secretary, is here admirably
depicted: as is alfo the little trait of felf-intereft with which it is mixed.
Faftidious critics may object to this entire line, on account of the pun
which it contains ; but we rely upon the fuperior good taste of the
Under-Secretary for the prefervation of it in all the fubfequent editions
he
AL E
408 POLITIC ECLOGU .
ROSE.
Sweeter than SALISBURY's face with fmiles o'erfpread, 25
Or gales that blow from CAWTHORNE's addled head,
Or ended ſpeech of ISAAC HAWKINS BBOWNE,
Or BEAUCHAMP's dinner paid for half a crown,
Or QUEENSBERRY'S leer on damfels yet unripe,
Is thine, compar'd with MAWBEY's fqueaking pipe. 30
he may print of this incomparable Eclogue ; and to confirm him in

the virtuous refolution here recommended, we beg he will confider
that punning is fanctioned by fome of the higheſt authorities of anti
quity. CICERO himfelf was no inconfiderable punſter in his time ;
witnefs his famous line
O, Fortunatam, natam, me confule Romam!
And with regard to the fafety of this amufement (which, confidering
the Under-Secretary's favourite occupation , is by no means an object to
be deſpiſed), we have the word of JUVENAL :
--Nec unquam
Sanguine caufidici maduerunt roftra pufilli. SAT. X.
The hand, or ears, were never loft, of thoſe
Who dealt in doggrel, or who punn'd in profe. DRYDEN .
IMITATIONS .
Ver. 25.] Sweeter than SALISBURY's face.
Lentafalix quantum pallenti cedit olive
Puniceis humilis quantum faliunca rofetis
Judicio noftro tantum tibi cedit Amyntas.
VARIATIONS .
Ver. 26.] CAWTHORNE's addled head.
In the MS. this verſe appears to have been written thus:
lumber head,
logger head,
CAWTHORNE'S feathery head,
bothering head,
addled head.
NOTES.
Ver. 28.] Or BEAUCHAMY's dinner.
Why BEAUCHAMP? does not all the world know that his name is
no longer BEAUCHAMP but YARMOUTH ? Was it for this that he
quitted his friends after nine long, long years of tedious oppofition ?
Was it for this he was drawn by fix white horfes into Mayence ? Is it
for this he receives four thousand pounds per ann. to be drawn
out again by faid white horfes ? to be called BEAUCHAMP ! Me
thinks we hear him in his own mild accents exclaim- " Oh fie, Mr.
ROSE !"
BURGESS .
POLITICAL ECLOGUE.. 407
BURGESS .
No more :-but liften to the rueful rhyme,
For MARAT bleeds , and by a woman's crime !
Soon as through Paris the fad tale was ſpread
That number'd Marat with the mighty dead,
Forth rufh'd the fea-nymphs from their filthy cells, 35
With frantic fury and terrific yells.
His breathless corpfe they bathe in tears of brine,
Sharp tears, and genuine, as from juice of mine !
Quick to our fhore the direful found is blown,
And Treaſury fcribblers echo moan for moan.
Marat is dead- ah ! what avail our lies ?
Stopt is their teeming fource when Marat dies.
Ne'er at his name, loud bellow'd forth by Pitt,
Their peaceful fields contented boors fhall quit,
For fmoking ruins leave their ſmoking board, 45
Or pant to change the fickle for the fword.
Phrenzy no more fhall rave of Sans Culottes,
With air-drawn daggers brandifl'd at our throa ,
Of lifping infants at a gulp devour'd,
Or Paris virgins more than once deflower'd . 50
Loud his fad death, ye kindred tigers, roar !
Loud his fad death, confederate kings , deplore !
Mark--at his call the tyrant hordes advance,
Led by grim Anarchy to plunder France,
They fix the chains his murd'rous hands prepar'd, 55
They hang the wretches whom his knife had fpar'd ;
Crime urges crime, -for blood fhall blood be fpilt,
A nation's mifchief is a nation's guilt.
IMITATIONS.
Ver. 31.] No more.
Sed tu define plura, puer.
Ver. 32 to 38.] Soon as through Paris.
Extin&tum nympha crudelifunere Daphnim
Flebant : vos coryli teftes, et flumina nymphis ;
Cum complexafui corpus miferabile nati
Atque Deos, atque aftra vocat crudelia mater.
Ver. 51 to 5+] Loud his fad death; ye kindred tigers , roar !
Daphni! tuam Panos etiam ingemuiffe leones
Interitum montefque feri fylvæque loquuntur,
Daphnis et Armenios curru fubjungere tigres
Inftituit.
VOL. I. T Mourn,
408 POLITICAL ECLOGUE .
Mourn, fcribblers, mourn your occupation loft

'Twixt murder'd Marat and impriſon'd Froft ; 60
Your uſeleſs inkhorns on his tomb reverſe,
And yourfplit goofe-quills fcatter round his hearſe.
Pile o'er his duft, ye Treaſury pamphleteers,
From pillories fav'd, a hecatomb of ears ;
With embryo paragraphs, a fhapeless heap, 65
Which Chalmers refcu'd from eternal fleep ;
With Alfred's Letters ftruggling into books,
Redeem'd from grocers, and defrauded cooks ;
Swell the fad offering to his deathleſs praiſe,
-So Marat bids- and I will lend my lays. 70
ROSE.
Burgefs ! the accents ofthy potent profe,
More than thy metre ſcarce invite to doze ;
Now ftretch thy ears-I fee thou hast them yet, —
" For Marat lov'd my fong, and prais'd my
wit.
Hung between heaven and hell there lies a ſpace, 75
-Unbreech'd philofophy can tell the place,
IMITATIONS.
Ver. 59 to 70.] Mourn, fcribblers, mourn.
Spargite humum foliis, inducite fontibus umbras,
Paftores : mandatfieri tibi talia Daphnis.
Et tumulum facite, et tumulo fuperaddite carmen!
Ver. 71.] Burgeſs ! the accents.
Tale tuum carmen nobis, divine poëta,
Quale fopor feffis in gramine.
Ver. 74.3 For Marat lov'd my fong.
Amavit nos quoque Daphnis.
Ver. 75 to 80.] Hung between heaven and hell.—
High on a throne, great Marat, &c.
Candidi infuetum miråtur limen Olympi,
Sub pedibufque videt nubes & fidera Daphnis.
NOTES.
Ver. 66. ] Chalmers refcu'dfrom eternalſleep.
Chalmers, a writer in the fervice of Adminiftration, and fuppofed to
be joint author with Mr. Rofe of a certain pamphlet, written not long
ago, and circulated by orders from the Treafury, highly and perfonally
injurious to three illuftrious perfonages, and feveral of the moft diftin
guished noblemen and gentlemen in the country.
Ver: 67 Alfred's Letters.
A dull, tedious, infipid collection of Effays, firft publiſhed in a
newſpaper (we forget which) , belonging to Adminiftration : fo un
commonly ftupid, that many people fuppofe the Under Secretary to
have written them himself.
Hid
Hid from the fun, impervious to his ray,
Where metaphyfic light fupplies a doubtful day.
There rebel Chaos her laft poft maintains,
Save a fnug niche referv'd in Mitford's brains,
High on a throne, great Marat, fnatch'd from death,
Surveys from thence his precious works beneath ; So
Sees his own fire in holy York confett,
And his own venom glow in Sheffield's breaft ;
Sees cream -fac'd Stanley turn on Fox his heels,
And Loughborough gently touch- and take the feals.
He fees gaunt Richmond, not unus'd to fright, 85
Raife in Tower-ditch ten batteries of a night ;
Where, watch'd by geefe, he braves prefumptuous Gauls,
Scar'd by bold Berkeley's cackle from her walls.
O, bend propitious, while my fong proclaims
Annual the feaft to thee with annual games ! 90
Far to the weft a Vandal city lies,
Whence caitiff ſcience, whipt and baniſh'd , flies,
Where high-church reafon bids a loyal mob
Preach, pillage, argue, burn, convince, and rob ;
VARIATIONS.
Ver. 87, 88.] Originally theſe two lines ftood thus :
With garrifons of geefe he mounts her walls,
With Berkeley's cackle feares prefumptuous Gauls.
IMITATIONS .
Ver. 89, 90.] O bend propitious !
Sis bonus ofelixque tuis !
NOTES.
Ver. 76.] Unbreech'd philofophy.
The poet, doubtlefs, in this expreffion , has his eye upon that im
mortal perfonage, Anacharfis Cloots, or the Orator of the Human
Race, who ends one of his fpeeches to the National Affembly of
France, with declaring-" Mon cœur eft tout François, et mon ame eft
Sans Culottes."
Ver. 88.] Bold Berkeley's cackle.
This orator, whether to gratify any private pique of his own, or to
pay his court to the Duke of Richmond, we know not, has lately
given himſelfthe air in the Houfe of Commons of faying impertinent
things to Mr. Fox. In particular, he diftinguiſhed himſelf laft feffion,
by an attempt to fix upon Mr. Fox fome connexion or correfponding
intereft with the French General Dumourier. It fail deed,
although nothing could be better intended ; and this noble comman
der, as we may remember, was obliged to apologize for his miſbeha
viour. We are fupremely glad to hear that he is now employed on a
fervice fo admirably uited to his talents as that which is alluded to in
"t
this and the preceding line.
T2 There
7
There flame thy altars, there thy fhrine we raiſe, 95

While veftal poiffardes guard the facred blaze.
Thence fimile benignant on our harmleſs ſports,
Nor fcorn the pastimes of anointed courts .
Firft in their ranks thy civic fons appear,
Reeves in the van, and Impey in the rear ; 100
Spies, affidavits, dungeons, whips, and axes,
Sure war, fue want, fure death, and furer taxes,
March in their train ; next Watfon, hapless elf!
Shark-bitten once, but now a fhark himſelf.
To the true homage by his leg he vows, 105
So fhall it never join its brother boughs,
Ne'er to the fun its leafy pride fhall fpread,
When once by artiſt ſmooth'd to match his head !
Here , a lank troop with Porchefter advance ;
There Tommy Tyrwhitt crowns the feftive dance. 110
IMITATIONS.
Ver. 95. There flame thy altars.
En quatuor aras
Fer. 106.] So fhall it never join its brother boughs.
Ναὶ μὰτόδε Σκῆπτρον, τὸ μὲν ἔ ποτε φύλλα και ὄζες
Φύσει, ἐπειδὴ πρῶτα τομήν ἐν ὄρεσσι λέλοιπεν,
Οὐ δ'αναθηλήσει περὶ γάρ τά ἐχαλκὸς ἔλψε
Φύλλα 1 καὶ Φλοίοκ' νῦν αὐλέ μιν uses ᾿Αχαιῶν
Ἐν παλάμης Φορέωσι δικασπόλοι, &c . & c. -Hom . II. Aipa.
Now by this facred fceptre, hear me fwear,
Which never more ſhall leaves or bloffom bear,
Which fever'd from the trunk
On the bare mountains left its parent tree ;
This fceptre, form'd by temper'd fteel to prove
An enfign of the delegates of Jove. Pore.
Ver. 110.] There Tommy.
Saltantesfotyros imitabitur Alphefibæus.
NOTES.
Ver. 104 ] Next Watſon, hapless elf!
Shark-bitten once, but now afhark himſelf.
Brook Watfon's adventure with a fhark is too well known to require
any particular flatement of it in this place. Some incredulous perfons,
indeed, have imagined the whole ftory ofour worthy alderman's com
petition with this voracious monfter, to be allegorical. On the authority
of the Rolliad, however, we beg leave to maintain the contrary ; and
we further take this opportunity of congratulating the public on his
late appointment to the lucrative poft of commiffary to the Britiſh
forces , a fituation in which we make no doubt, but that the worthy,
independent ci-devant member for the city of London, will foon con
trive to be even with his old enemy, the fhark, and ready to attack
him in his own way!
2 Nor
Nor abfent he-well ſkill'd in tripping tricks,

Carliſle ! the blooming beau of forty-fix,
A fmart debater, and a pretty vote,
Graceful to turn a fentence, or a coat,
Great judge of reaſons, greater ſtill of lace, 115
Great of the colours that become his face ;
Exact to ſeaſons, and to faſhion true,
He chang'd his friends to change his riband's hue.
Such are thy triumphs ! fuch thy envied boaft !
O, may theſe offerings footh thy grinning ghoft ! 120
Till hungry fubalterns with Richmond dine,
Till Beaufoy's brewage fhall be quaft for wine,
Till Shuckborough's vifage fhall be lefs uncouth,.
Till Lincoln's Bishop fhall be trapp'd in truth,
NOTES.
Ver. 109 ] Here a lank troop with Porchefter advance.
Another mifnomer! Who does not know that Earl of Caernarvon
is the name by which this moft illuftrious Facobin Alarmift is hailed by
his admiring fellow-citizens ? It is faid, that when he was only Baron
Porchefter, he went to dine with the Society of Friends ofthe People,
affociated for the Reform of Parliament, and approving highly of the
objects thofe gentlemen propofed to themſelves by their affociation,
only expreffed an apprehenſion , that they would ſtop at half-ineaſures,
and not go far enough to fatisfy men fo fincere in the cauſe as himſelf.
The fecret of his anxiety is now come out. If the affociation had
taken his advice, probably he would have been a marquis, or an
archbishop-Who knows?
Ver. 110.] Tommy Tyrwhitt. An eminent feceder from the Whig.
Club. There were many others who could not bear to fit in the fame
company with thoſe determined Jacobins the Duke of Portland, Earl
Fitzwilliam, &c. &c.
Ver. 112.] Carlife. This nobleman<< cannot be accuſed of a vulgar
preference to " folid pudding," over empty praife," after his very
wife remark on the Duke of Devonshire's blue riband ; which he
affirmed, with no fmall exultation, was the only fubftantial thing the
Whigs had obtained for themſelves by the Marquis of Rockingham's
adminiftration in 1782.
VARIATIONS.
Ver. 112.] Originally thus :
From Fox to Pitt the change was green to blue,
And the whole difference in his riband's hue.
IMITATIONS.
Ver, 119 to 128.] Such are thy triumphs
Till hungry fubalterns..
Hæc tibifemper erint -
Dum juga montis aper, &c.
Semper honos, nomenque tuum, laudefque manebunt.
13. Till
Till felf-conceit in Pybus fhall be cur'd, 125

Till Hardinge's jokes fhall be awake endur'd,
Or brainleſs Rollo's weight of fcull furpafs'd,
Thy praife, thy honours, and thy name fhall laft !
BURGESS .
What gifts, fweet Rofe, are to thy numbers due ?
O, ſmooth in fong, as in thy budgets true ! 130
What mortal meed fhall match theſe heavenly ftrains ?
Take-take this German faufage for thy pains.
But foft-my Herriott whifpers at the door ;
Marat farewell ! for I can fing no more
The printer's devil chides my long delay, 135
Scarce have I writ one ufeful fib to-day ;
Reft thou in death, for I my prefs muſt mind,
Duft be to duft, and lead to lead confign'd !
IMITATIONS.
Ver. 129 ] What gifts, fweet Roſe !
Quæ tibi, que tali reddam pro carmine dona ?
NOTES .
Ver. 129 ] What gifts-are to thy numbers due ?
Another pun !--
At first we were rather at a lofs to account for our poet's frequent
recourſe to this fpecies of wit ; but there is now every reaſon to think
he does it to compliment his new correfpondent Sir Richard Hill, Bart.
whofe various poetical compofitions difperfed about his pleaſure-grounds
at Hawkflone, fuch as witty infcriptions on a pair of croffed whale
bones, pathetic lamentations on half-devoured rabbits, and above all,
that elegant addreſs to Neptune's Whim (by which name the facetious
member for Shropshire has been pleaſed to diftinguifh a certain very
ufeful building on his premiſes) , have lately made a diftinguiſhed ap
pearance in the Under-Secretary's favourite newſpaper. Such indeed
is the charming fimplicity of this laft little poem, that we fhould con
fider ourselves highly to blame did we withhold it from our readers.
" Neptune thy province is to fwim,
Not to regard this little whim ;
Art thou with water difcontent,
That thou haft chang'd thy element ?"
We requeft the learned will favour us with their comments on theſe,
as well as the reft of the worthy Baronet's ftanzas.
Ver. 133.] Herriott-an obſcure paragraph-writer.
THE
( 413 )
THE GIPSY'S SONG *.
COME, crofs my hand ! my art furpaffes
All that did ever mortal know :
Come, maidens, come ! my magic glaffes
Your future huſbands' form can fhew.
For 't is to me the power is given,
Unclos'd the book of fate to fee;
To read the fix'd refolves of Heaven,
And dive into futurity.
I guide the pale moon's filver waggon ;
The winds in magic bonds I hold ;
I charm to fleep the crimson dragon,
Who loves to watch o'er buried gold .
Fenc'd round with fpells , unhurt I venture,
Their fabbath ftrange where witches keep
Fearleſs the forcerer's circle enter,
And woundlefs tread on fnakes aſleep.
Lo! here are charms of mighty power!
This makes fecure an huſband's truth ;
And this, compos'd at midnight hour,
Will force to love the coldest youth.
If any maid too much has granted,
Her lofs this fi tre will repair ;
This blooms a cheek where red is wanted,
And this will make a brown girl fair.
Then filent hear, while I difcover
What I in fortune's mirror view ;
And each, when many a year is over,
Shall own the giply's faying true.
MOCK WISDOM.
SIR,
BEING lately at a very excellent dinner, where I
regaled moft luxuriously on a delicious difh of
mock turtle, I happened to fit next to a gentleman,
* Though this article paffed to the prefent collection through the

medium of a newfpaper, it is understood to have been taken firſt
from Mr. Lewis's novel, The Monk.
whom
414 MOCK WISDOM .
whom I foon difcovered to be a member ofthat literary

body called pedants : this defcription of a ſcholar is one
who by means of loud vociferation, a decifive tone of
voice, a fmall portion of knowledge, a copia verborum
of hard words, and a few other requifites, obtains in
moft companies the fafcinating power of attraction ; and
I obferved, that this gentleman not only arrogated to
himſelf a refpectable importance on the fcore of his
erudition, but that he impreffed his audience with the
fame opinion with himſelf, that he really was a learned
man .
The mock turtle and the pedant divided our atten
tion ; and the filent refpect paid to the latter, was only
occafionally interrupted when a paffing goût of exqui
fite relifh forced a panegyric on the former. Theſe
two objects, thus entering the lifts of competition,
introduced to my mind ideas of fimilarity between
them ; the pedant I confidered as exhibiting a difh of
mock wifdom , as the calf's head did a difh of mock
turtle ; and as the culinary art had fo managed the
deception of the one that its perfection was allowed to
be nearly, if not quite equal, to real turtle, fo had the
literary arts managed the deception of the other, as to
make the mock wifdom appear an excellent fubftitute
for genuine fenfe and learning. The obfervations pro
duced the following receipt :
A RECEIPT FOR MOCK WISDOM..
Take a few grains of fenfe, ftrain them through as
many dictionaries as you can collect together, taking
care to felect none but the lighteft particles of matter
contained in your books ; a very few fcraps of the
learned fciences are, however, indifpenfable, as they
muft give an apparent folidity to the whole ; be careful
to collect all your ingredients in very fmall quantities
a little hiftory, a little painting, a little mufic, a few
fragments of poetry ; take as many Latin fentences
and as many hard words as you can find ; jumble theſe
al
PHARMACOPIA POLITICA. 415
"
all well together, and throw them loofely into your
head. If they are properly mixed, the whole will
froth up and float on the furface of the brain.
PHARMACOPOEIA POLITICA.
MR. EDITOR,
WHILE taking my political whet at Batfon's yef
terday morning, the waiter picked up a ſmall
MS . book, and afked me if I had dropt it " Let
me look at it, William," faid I. I found it contained
a great many recipes in cookery and phyfic ; and I
am perfuaded belongs to Dr. HUMDRUM, an eminent
practitioner in difeafes and politics. The following
three recipes I have made free with for the benefit of
the public at large ; and I flatter myſelf that the Doc
tor will not take it amifs that I have fent them to your
paper.
REMEDY FOR WAR.
Take of Minifters of State, a large handful ;
Contractors, and
Penfioners, as many of each as can be found.
Place them in the front of the battle.
SPECIFIC AGAINST THE PERNICIOUS EFFECTS OF
SPECIAL JURIES.
Take of Freeholders, and
Merchants, a complete lift ;
Range them ALPHABETICALLY.
A page or two of this may be taken at any time with
perfect fafety.
FOR BAD VERDICTS.
Take of Fox's Bill quantum fuff.
Common Senfe,
Impartiality- equal parts ;
Sprinkle the whole with a Juryman's oath.
To be taken on going into Court. -Probatum eft.
Of the efficacy of theſe remedies it is impoffible for
me
414 MOCK WISDOM.
whom I foon difcovered to be a member ofthat literary

body called pedants : this defcription of a ſcholar is one
who by means of loud vociferation, a decifive tone of
voice, a fmall portion of knowledge, a copia verborum
of hard words, and a few other requifites, obtains in
moft companies the faſcinating power of attraction ; and
I obferved, that this gentleman not only arrogated to
himſelf a refpectable importance on the fcore of his
erudition, but that he impreffed his audience with the
fame opinion with himſelf, that he really was a learned
man .
The mock turtle and the pedant divided our atten
tion ; and the filent refpect paid to the latter, was only
occafionally interrupted when a paffing goût of exqui
fite relifh forced a panegyric on the former. Theſe
two objects, thus entering the lifts of competition,
introduced to my mind ideas of fimilarity between
them ; the pedant I confidered as exhibiting a diſh of
mock wifdom, as the calf's head did a difh of mock
turtle ; and as the culinary art had fo managed the
deception of the one that its perfection was allowed to
be nearly, if not quite equal, to real turtle, fo had the
literary arts managed the deception of the other, as to
make the mock wifdom appear an excellent fubftitute
for genuine fenfe and learning. The obfervations pro
duced the following receipt :
A RECEIPT FOR MOCK WISDOM .
Take a few grains of fenfe, ftrain them through as
many dictionaries as you can collect together, taking
care to felect none but the lighteſt particles of matter
contained in your books ; a very few fcraps of the
learned fciences are, however, indifpenfable, as they
muft give an apparent folidity to the whole ; be careful
to collect all your ingredients in very fmall quantities
a little hiftory, a little painting, a little mufic, a few
fragments of poetry ; take as many Latin fentences
and as many hard words as you can find ; jumble theſe
al
·!
!
1
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ESSAYS AND JEUX D'ESPRITS,

HE idea of this compilation was fuggefted

In making the ſelection , recourfe has feldom

been had to publications of earlier date than the

antiminifterial tendency ; but this is not the con

faction, as far at leaſt as he could judge from

bushels of chaff ; you fhallfeek all day ereyou find

the fearch *."

which the friends to the prefent adminiftration

rit of having extracted from fources, to people

Of the few Notes and Anecdotes interfperfed,

collecting fweets from all quarters, the Editor

pear at the commencement of every year. As

N. B. In afcribing the articles to the various publications

Being Epigrams on the Subject of Mers . PITT and DUNDAS

Solace to Senators who may happen to be overtaken in their Cups.

IN Bedlam's prifon all the mad we throw,

Encouragement to Englishmen 10 ftand to their Pofis in Battle.

On thejudicious Rejection of the Nottingham Petition. ~

We cannot here clearly make out whether the author means to

No Perfian of old, till he fuddled his nofe,

On Pitt's relieving the diftreffed Inn-keepers, by building Bar

18 MR. PITT'S DEATH .

MR. PITT'S DEATH.

V ARIOUS reports having been circulated concern

of this quantity, Mr. Dundas has no objection to bind

as ufual about the perfon of his patron, was amazed. A

This is an allufion to Watt, a Government fpy, hung at Fdin

das, replenish his ftomach with abundance of food,

your good works and your charity ? But why do I go

It is fuppofed by many, that the wonderful rife of this quondam

our readers, we truft, will rejoice that he judged in

An allufion to the armament against Spain, on account ofour

My Lord Hawkeſbury, hearing his name mentioned,

give Sheridan and others, who had attacked him with

DISSECTION OF MR. PITT .

WE have already given our readers fome account of

taken away. So remarkable a deviation the reporter

of powder, which emitted an exceedingly fetid fmell.

* A gentleman nearly connected with a family refident at Hallifax,

When he gave a dinner, in confequence of his being choſen First Ma

it was declined , on this ground, that, in a folemn pro

glared on the difmayed Minifter, and vaniſhed , each in

The ceremony was repeated laft night, with fome

AT a meeting in Downing Street yefterday, Mr.

* The life of this gentleman has been a tenour

accomplishments, was chofen to attend a youth of his own name,

* Sir Gregory, in his fhert fpeeches in Parliament, often appeals

a number of carriages, as prefents to the members of the French

Rofe to take a minute of the tranfaction , and to write a

The New Times * .

First Year of the Price One Shilling in

THE HEATRE OF EQUALITY. This Evening will

CITIZEN HOPPING, of Aldgate, Shoemaker,

AVERY accurate EXPLANATION of the PRIN

CITIZEN WELTJIE, ci-devant Purveyor at

To PARENTS and GUARDIANS .

BRITISH NATIONAL CONVENTION.

SITTING OF THE 9th OF JUNe.

PRESIDENT CITIZEN TELWELL.

Prefident. " It is my duty, Citizen Legiſlators, to