01/29/24

Desenfocada . Sin rumba, vivo en un limbo todos los días. Creo que

lo entiendo y siempre estoy fingiendo. Desenfocada. Así no quiero

estar. Ni las drogas borran tus recuerdos. Aunque me divierto a

esta hora ya todo se siente desierto. Ni los lujos me los disfruto,

me paso el rato imaginando un mundo donde si estamos juntos.

Desenfocada. Quisiera estar a tu lado, las lágrimas ni salen pero el

dolor nunca se va. Tu recuerdo siempre arruina mis buenos

momentos, no es justo que tú camines en tu vida igual y yo sufra con

esta ausencia, ahogándome en los sentimientos. El ego ni tiene

fuertes argumentos, te extraño y no se como superar este capítulo.

Desenfocada. Así no quiero estar. ¿Por qué no regresas, por qué

no maduras? Ya veo que el amor no es suficiente, atracción,

química, y conexión. Para nada ayudó, tú eres el juez en esta

historia de amor, y al final no logré ganar tu perdón.

Desenfocada. No me doy a la verdad. Dime que hago con estas

cenizas de un amor clandestino disfrazado de felicidad eterna?

January 28, 2024

116 miles between you and me. 116 reasons why you couldn’t commit. We spent two

weeks in heaven and 8 disputes and lustful chaos. You say goodbye without breaking the

news, you kiss me and make promises to come back. Yet the only thing that returned

was a stranger filled with contempt at the sight of me. I wonder why you kissed me

like you wanted me when really all you wanted was to tear me to pieces just to see the

blood rush out of me. You’re amused with my pain, annoyed at any sight of humanity in

me.

01/22/24

Be aware of the constant extremes you set out for yourself that end up limiting you.

The goal is not to burn yourself out. Don’t run by toxic fuel and jealousy, regret.

What powers you? When are you powered by love and positivity? Who do you blame

for your life going the direction it’s in? What stories do you tell yourself where you

are the victim?

01/19/24

Everything I want to do is easy to do but because I go around the block out of fear, I

get traumatized and work 10x as hard when I should've just followed my instincts

despite the roadblocks I foresee coming!

01/09/24

Body language

With you words always get lost in translation.

I know I’m bilingual but I gotta watch my language around you.

From hostile to rough, you make loving you such a chore.

So why not just let our bodies do the work?

Body to body, cheek to cheek.

When you’re on top, the playing fields evened out.

The only place I can reach true transparency with you, don’t

understand why your trust issues always come with lusting traps

You say i love you when you’re inside, scream you're the only one when

the heat’s just right

But as soon as the testosterone drops down, you’re back to the mind

games and hot and cold vibes.

Don’t understand why you’re hell bent on sabotaging the connection,

when it hasn’t even taken off.

You keep putting miles between us, acting like I got all the gas to burn

chasing you through the woodworks.

But baby keep your distance cause from afar, I forget to miss you

when the eyesore’s outta sight.

What are we teenagers coming off our first heat?

You swear you’re elevating in life when really you’re dragging your

heel through the mud trying to win a settled fight.

Cause there’s no variation of god without his female counterpart,

there’s no Adam without an Eve.

Our calamities mark new beginnings, you’re scared of the chaos you’re

orchestrating like Eden wasn’t just the peak of another failed Utopia.

You measure my mistakes by the weight of your grievances, and

somehow I’m stuck playing the sore loser in this game of indifference.

What’s worse, looking crazy or weak?

What’s the point of carving your name in my womb, risking a future

you’re not ready for,

If you switch back into a cruel stranger every time your balls are

emptied enough for your ego to come through ya?

It’s a struggle trying to catch the sun's rays in a jar, like it is to keep

your heart's attention on the prize.

You dickmatize my feelings, then complain when I don’t wanna pick up

the phone and “just talk”.

Pillow talk has its hours, and you know yours is almost up.

Maybe stereotypes bear some truth after all.

Cause I’m a fool for thinking I could make this work, sometimes an

immovable object should just retain its mystery and remain untouched.

You should know better than to try to enslave me with my desires

cause no fish ever drowned by swimming in murky waters.

12/24/23

I know sometimes it feels like we are forsaken but god just is preparing us for bigger

things. Don’t ruin gods plan and do the right thing.

11/23/23

I wanna write you love letters in Spanish that I’ll have to later translate cause

It’s not your lingo.

I want to crucify God for not introducing me to you earlier.

I’ve gone around the world thrice trying to find a soul with the same frequency.

Sometimes I spiral down to the tangling world of conspiracies to find an

explanation to your presence in my life.

I walk this world like a skittish cat, in a blur and on defense.

But see you were made just for me, your ancestors have carefully prepared and

crafted you to perfection.

Even though we’re not done cooking this recipe for success, meeting you has

taught me that the finish line is not always the endgame.

Got me wanting to fix my credit, pay off my debt and start a family with you.

You know what’s crazy? I think you might be the one.

Never wanted to be a prisoner to titles and commitments but I’m already 131

pins too deep in our Pinterest wedding board.

I’m writing a love letter at 7am because I can’t sleep knowing there’s no evidence

describing what you do to my soul.

You teach me love like I’ve never experienced it, make me feel something new,

something old.

I pray to God every night to give me the grace and love to handle your heart

with care, to please protect you in your path and make sure you’re never led

astray.

I want to thank your mom for stitching you together for 9 months, for building

your character and giving you her life force energy so you could fusion into this

current version that I know and hold.

You’re so pure sometimes I think you must be an Angel poorly disguised.

Yet when your anger is taking center stage, your words pierce through my soul

peeling back layers of vulnerability I wasn’t ready to expose.

Is this manipulation or love? Can It be both?

You inspire me to seduce you, to sharpen my wits so we always have a new topic

to dissect.

To carve out my body so you always got something to see.

11/19/23

Choose yourself. It’s the only way to always win

11/05/23

Quiero ser tu corona de victoria en la vida, la que cambia tus caminos al

llegar para bien. Tu orgullo, una bendición que solo puertas de riqueza sabe

abrir. Que tu cuerpo sea hecho para protegerme, elevarme a nuevos niveles

de placeres; únicamente para mi. Que tus manos puedan crear un futuro de

oro y bajar el cielo a mis pies. Que mis manos y mis labios siempre

encuentren formas de llenar tu sed.

11/19/23

Tengo un amor puro y constante. Un amor de madrugadas en la cama, sin

pijama ni lenguaje. Solo besos que me llenan de calor y ojos que me iluminan

el alma como una iguana en el Sol. Jure que nunca más iba a caer por

palabras baratas de nadie pero tus acciones son tan escandalosas que no paro

de darte la hora. El reloj contigo ni funciona, solo sé que con cada suspiro

amanece en mi día y con una mirada termina.

11/04/23

You can’t make a deal with the devil and get mad when he comes to collect.

10/26/23

H e said he was real sorry. H e knows he fucked it up bad and if I want to leave

he’d understand why. But baby you ripped my heart out of my chest and slammed

it on the ground

“ My girl is pregnant”, The lingo just didn’t register in my brain, my heart. I

looked to the moon as my witness, she saw the whole thing play out. My lover

was talking at me, not to me. My lover turned a cruel stranger in a second, I

keep replaying his words like a mantra. Trate de negociarlo con el karma, pero

me dijo que todo se paga. No goodbyes were said, no real apology was uttered.

Just like that he threw my attention, time and effort on the floor as of it didn’t

matter at all. The kisses in the morning dew when the city was still sleeping, the

moments of vulnerability in my lap, the smoke anointing us as one. I can’t hold on

to you when you were never mine. I knew I was competing for your love but I

didn’t know I never stood a chance at all. It’s funny I asked you if this was just a

pastime for you, and you denied the words. As I break down everyday he builds

his life away with another. Once again I turned myself the estranged mistress

for a couple moments of intimacy. I laugh when I cry, I take one step forward

and one remains intact. I’m still waiting for you to come back and tell me it was

all a lie or that at least you’ll remember me for the rest of your life. But
instead it’s me that’s missing that spark in your eyes. I can’t even hate you, I just

cry all the time. I curse at my gods, I can’t stand the sight of myself in the

mirror. Not when I see so clearly the reflection of betrayal in my hands, my

face, my life. I just sing our song on repeat, and let the tears roll out. I spark up

Everytime i sense the memories attacking my fragile mind. God please forgive me

for hurting myself so bad. I promise I want to be better. I look for his car every

time I step outside. Am I crazy for caring so much about someone? H e fooled me

countless times, shame on me for letting it get this far. I just don’t know how to

move forward when I don’t think I’m deserving of anything now. I don’t think

I’m meant or built for relationships if I’m honest. I think I should run away

from everyone, men are one of the cruelest creatures ever invented. Women don’t

fall far behind. I’m scared of people, but I’m scared of myself more. I see how

bad I’m hurting for something I did all on my own. What did I do to deserve

such terrible luck in love? While the world lives out my dreams, ungrateful and

undeserving of them, I settle on the fact that I’ll never get a happy ending. Not

as long as I’m still breathing. I don’t want to be bitter. But I don’t see the point

in connecting anymore. It’s best to not pretend and just leave it alone. A dildo

will do the job. What’s the point of pleasure, of happiness, of anything? In even

being alive? What’s the point of investing in something that will leave when you

want it most?
08/19/23

Be my peace. My safe haven, when I breathe you in, I breathe in clarity, love , peace of

mind. Our love will never go out of style, you will always be the most handsome person

in a room to me. You are the sun in my day, you scare the shadows away. Supportive in

anything I identify with or try, sex will be mind blowing every time. Like a cat in heat,

a ladder of euphoria that only get higher and higher, when you climax I will hold you

tighter. You are the moon in my nights, I will always seek your light for shelter. Like

water for my soul, aphrodisiac down my throat, you leave me in a trance with just a

kiss. Skin ghastly white, like the underbelly of a shark. Eyes stormy grey, blue but

pierce-full. You carry so much authority, you might be in the mafia or a

business-lifestyle of it. Idk but you have power. You walk like you can kill someone and

you know it. When I’m with you I always feel safe, there’s no threat that can reach me

in your presence. You have a wide-back. Moody. Like a bull, Taurus. A reflection of

me. A treasure map to paradise. Only death can do us apart. My soul mixes into yours

like gum on a hot summer day in the pavement. Penetration every whole, molding into

you like a shield. I will be your armor. A cold exterior, bratty. But with me he will

melt in the heat of our fire, attraction, intensity will put him down with adrenaline.

Generous and thoughtful with me, in all his efforts, financial ways. Gift giver, spoils

my inner kid

08/12/23

Self pity is the prelude of suicide.

06/05/23

I’m gay

No really I am, but when I try to stake my claim on the world, the words

bubble over like acid firing up from my esophagus to my throat and all that

comes out is a cry of despair on my sexual identity. So I’ve trained myself

to do nothing at all, after all it’s easier to balance the weight of regret. I

walk through this world uncertain of my every step, through a jungle of

monsters, angels and smoking mirrors. I’ve told myself maybe if I stopped

burning ganja the smoke would clear up in my space but one things for

certain. The confusion lingers even when I can see things from a Birds Eye

view.

04/24/23

Siento un vacío al pensar en mis sueños, lo que no logre, lo que casi fue mío.

No entiendo que tengo que hacer para que esta terrible época de mi vida ya

termine. Porque seguir viva si no es por mi que yo vivo. ¿Para qué?

02/19/23

Pain is power, suffering is liberating —-A .V.S

02/03/23

I’m stronger than I think.

I don’t need anyone or anything.

01/13/23

Storyteller

You left as abruptly as you came in

Without a notice or change in tone

No goodbyes or see you laters we’re exchanged

No noise

Only your voicemail opening the other line, cause you’re too busy to answer

your phone.

Don’t try to change the narrative,

Like you never urged me to fall in love with you.

I danced with the devil, ever since that first night alone with you

Dancing a tune only you knew the steps to

Only you knew the chorus and ending

I was only thrilled to find someone worth the effort

And you spun me round and round

Till I was left dancing alone in an abandoned ballroom

Haunted by the memories we created, overfilled with honey and sweet

nothings

It was all a play

And I your puppet.

I remember right before it all started, looking into those rising sun irises

And thinking,

“Shit, this is gonna hurt if it doesn’t work out”.

Won’t you look at us now?

Won’t you look at me now?

Couldn’t take your hands off me,

I knew every crease and fall to your body before I knew your name.
Marlon.

You tried to change everything about me to fit into your picture perfect

Mrs. Merlo.

But I couldn’t quite fit in,

I would always step on your toes, say the wrong things….

And like a bull seeing red for the first time,

You charged at me with full force.

Like I wasn’t just a kid, crazy in love?

I’ve never felt more crazy in my life

With just words you activated my fight or flight.

That always ended in tears and self destruction, sedating myself to survive

the storms you’d put me under.

Shit, aren’t you quite the lover?

You swore I was yours, but you were always single

Even sent me to the hospital, just to be told by the doctors what everyone

else knew.
You’re a storyteller, A real deal manifestor

Weaving magic together with that billion dollar smile and a few words,

That later turns to weapons when they don’t fit your narrative.

This is the last time you get close enough to break my heart and fill my

head with ideas of forever,

You coward.

The least you could’ve done was let me know to not wait for you,

This was just another fling for you,

Another soul in your collection, that makes you feel young while it lasts till

you move on to the next distraction.

12/19/22

This year I’m going to love myself. Become my best friend, write to her and talk to

her. Appease to her high standards of me, of us and baby her. I’m her mother and

father, I’m her sister, her best friend, her lover. I’m everything she ever wanted and

she’s everything I ever wanted. I'm gonna give her the space to be her fully,

unapologetically, divine self. I'm going to listen, sit down and listen, meditate in her

space, and heal her. H ow long has she gone silent, begging and praying that someone
would listen to her? I can’t be so cruel to her, she’s just a little girl. She doesn’t

deserve to be treated so poorly, while I’m chasing something to fulfill her. She deserves

better. I deserve better. Today I choose to always fill my cup first and foremost. Show

her a better world, better view, stop feeding her such ugliness of the world. Im going to

do everything for her, fuck what everyone is expecting, what they want. They’ve been a

deciding factor for everything I’ve done up to this point and it’s led me to ruins. So I’ll

tune out the world for a bit and tune into myself.

11/19/22

Money comes like water onto my hands

And I’m not sure how I’m supposed to control something I did not create

Some say it’s intention

Others manifestation

But I say it’s the forces that existed before time,

Before the rules and budgets

Energy cannot be created or destroyed.

So I dip my body into the water and let it take me under

It’s hard to worry about something that will always be there

So I pay close attention to my emotions

See what really anchors you down in a dead ocean is gratefulness

H ope

So I say my prayers and thanks and hope it will be enough.

I hope my offerings are enough.

To take me where I need to go, who I need to become

Money

11/18/22

Don’t think I can do it again

Don’t think I can will my spirit to trust the process

There’s no phoenix rising from the ashes

Just scars that reopen once I acknowledge them

Even in my self made delusion

I don’t forget what brought me to my seclusion

I was the epitome of innocence

Thinking I could fix 40 years of heartache, trauma made me delirious to the scent

H e was irresistible.
And I gave in to temptation without a fight or protest

H e made sure to check off every requirement,

made promises he knew he could never live up to if he was honest

Made sure to lift me up to a pedestal

Just to show me a world I didn’t belong in

I laugh now looking back,

It was all an act and I was punchline to long-standing joke of a life he has.

Rotten heart

Marlon I was open to you

There wasn’t a place in my mind you didn’t roam to,

A part of my schedule you didn’t affect.

I was suicidal after you left

Cause even after promising to not abandon me like everyone else

You still repeated the same tale I’ve been stuck in since I was 3.

To think I was some 39 year old man’s teenage fantasy

You sucked the life out of me, a vampire who didn’t stop till he got his fill.

Whatever was left wasn’t good enough to help me stand on my own two feet.

But this was of no concern to you,

I was roadside kill,

(My rotten heart was ) An eyesore that you could smell a mile away.

Funny, you could never stand the sight of your own mistakes

Accountability is something you ran away from, abruptly and without any explanations

But I’m left to burry the memories one by one and burn up the evidence slowly

Forced to go through the stages of grief,

Fuck I don’t even remember how many steps it took to turn away far enough

Just know I’m not the same girl you once fucked over.

Now you want to come in my dreams to say hello

Pray for me like I’m the one who needs redemption

I wonder when you say god's name,

Do the skeletons in your closet stir and tremble

I wonder,

What of me made you look and still go ahead with your wicked plan

What of me told you I didn’t deserve mercy

I might’ve been 19 but inside I was just a kid

A puppet on your strings going through impossible lengths just to make you

Desire me.

Funny, once you left all the tower of lies fell over me

You had a wife at home, with kids

I wish I could have temporary amnesia like you

And forget all my duties, vows and responsibilities

But instead I’m tied up to a world you could not afford even if you paid in gold

And still I’ll never be good enough

To make a married man choose me.

10/27/22

It’s my time to shine now

Thought my fathers dream would satisfy me but now I’m walking on E

Dreading the job he got me

To say I’m blessed is an understatement

I understand the fragility of my survival

One wrong decision, and I’ll be on the streets

Begging for a chance to right my wrongs.

But see when you have nothing to lose

There’s only one way you can go.

Up and beyond,
They say I need to come down from the clouds but my heart’s on the chopping

block

Can’t wait for my shot to come,

I must take it with open arms

Ready to ride the wave, even if we don’t come out the same on the other side

Regret doesn’t exist in history, only battles waged and heroes come undone under

the blinding lights

I know there’s so much darkness around me you assume I’m a star.

But tonight the gods have anointed me

I wear their blessing on my sleeve like a badge of honor

With all the fame, health, and glory

Tonight I look up as I take my next step into my story

I'm the main character and it’s about time we changed the narrative.

10/27/22

So much darkness round me, you would think I’m a star.