Boundaries and Pastoral Care:

when to say yes and

when to say no.
By
Nicky Lock BSc Grad Dip EFT PACFA reg
.

Program
Session 1:
Learning about our own boundaries
and how we manage them
Session 2:
Looking at how we manage
boundaries affects what we do as
Pastoral Carers.

Where is the boundary?

What do boundary
fences do?

Boundary: a definition
"Boundaries define limits,
mark off dividing lines. The
purpose of a boundary is to
make clear separations
between different turf,
different territory. . . .

personal boundaries:
are intangible, unseen
show where you end and
someone else begins

lead to a sense of ownership

ensures autonomy, individuality,

and separateness as a person
from other people.

What did you notice?

What was happening to him?

How did he set some
boundaries?
Was it effective?
What were the downsides?
What could he have done
differently?

Boundaries are defined

by:

Physical attributes e.g. Skin

Words e.g. using words like no, I dont

like

Geographical distance e.g. I am here,

you are there

Truth e.g. knowing truth: knowing about

God helps us define ourselves in relation
to Him

Boundaries are defined

by:

Time e.g. by taking time out, time apart

Emotional Distance e.g. in order to keep

ourselves safe

Other people e.g. Our most basic emotional need in

life is to be in relationship with others. Yet many of
our boundaries problems involve these relationships.

Consequences e.g. We need to understand the

consequences of poor boundaries, and for those
overstepping our boundaries

How do you set

boundaries with those
around you?
(how do you say yes:
how do you say no?)

Two peoples paddocks:

Person As
Paddock:

Person Bs
Paddock

Their world view:

Values, beliefs etc
Fears and past
experiences
Personal style
Rules

Their world view

Values, beliefs etc
Fears and past
experiences
Personal style
Rules

Their needs

Their needs

Do you know your own

paddock?
What is there?
Which bits need fixing up?
How to fix them up?
Have you given bits of your paddock to
someone else to look after?
Can you keep the gate open
or closed, when needed?

Each one should test his own actions. Then

he can take pride in himself, without comparing
himself to somebody else,
5 for each one should carry his own load.
Galatians 6:5,6.

Do you trample around too much

in other peoples paddocks?

Have you been invited in?

Are you being critical about their
paddock?

do not withhold good from

those who deserve it when
it is in your power to act
Proverbs 3:27

Cant say/hear no.

CANT SAY
The Compliant
NO

feels guilty and/or

CANT HEAR
The Controller
Aggressively or

controlled by

manipulatively

others;

violates boundaries

have fuzzy
boundaries
cant set
boundaries
give in to others
demands easily

of others
Dont respect others
boundaries
Fail to take
responsibility for self

Cant say/hear yes.

YES

Cant say
The Non-

Cant hear
The Avoidant

responsive

cannot ask for help

Do not respond

cannot hear own

when they hear

others needs
do not pay
attention to
responsibility to
love.

needs

Session 2

The gate in the

boundary:

Ministry and Boundaries

Ministry is about crossing boundaries: We
cannot do ministry without crossing
boundaries. Those we serve assume a trust
relationship with us where ..they are safe
from harm. They tacitly allow us to cross
boundaries in their interest. In fact they
expect us to do so.
Fortune, M. M. (2010) Healthy Boundaries, Healthy Ministry in
Reflective Practice. Vol. 31.

Discussion question

What boundaries are

you invited or
expected to cross
when acting as a
Pastoral Carer?

Boundaries that are crossed

in pastoral care

Personal space
Touch;comfort
Phone as opposed to email
Expecting listening
Sexual boundary: reporting issue
Intimacy
Over involvement
Gifts
When and how to visit

What are the main areas

where boundary crossing is
problematic?

Whose boundaries are

crossed yours or the
recipient of care?

Problem areas of boundary

crossing

How to deal with family and friends

Gender imbalance: how to have mixed
gender caring roles
How to work out touch
Over doing it: setting up a boundary
early on!
Taking on their responsibility
Asking for too much information

Power and Pastoral Care

Power that comes with a

role
Are inherent in the role: varies with
organisational setting.
Legitimate: part of the role
Coercive and reward: has the possibility
of controlling and/or rewarding the
recipient of pastoral care
Resources: can offer and withhold
resources

(Hawkins and Shohet 2006, p.112)

What are the dangers

of power for boundary
crossing?

Boundaries in Ministry
(2)
When as a [pastoral carer], we encounter an
individual in a vulnerable situation, we have
two options for response:
(a) How can I support and empower you and
lessen your vulnerability? Or

(b) How can I take advantage of your

situation to meet my needs?

Fortune, M. M. (2010) Healthy Boundaries, Healthy Ministry in

Reflective Practice. Vol. 31.

Discuss Marie
Fortunes statement re
the two options we
have when in a
ministry relationship.

Boundaries and
freedom:

Knowing the boundary

brings freedom within limits

opens options

defines what we are not responsible for

and what we are NOT responsible for .

Shows us how we are to be responsible

for ourselves,
to other people.

GALATIONS 6: 2, 5 and
boundaries
2 Stoop down and reach out to
those who are oppressed. Share
their burdens, and so complete
Christ's law.
5 Each of you must take
responsibility for doing the creative
best you can with your own life