Vagina Monologues Script - The Dialogue

( Ensler ) I'M JUST GONNA ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS AND JUST ANSWER WHATEVER YOU'RE COMFORTABLE ANSWERING. DON'T GO ANY FURTHER THAN YOU FEEL LIKE GOING AND IF YOU WANT TO ADD SOMETHING LATER ON TO A QUESTION I'VE ASKED YOU, THAT'S FINE TOO. WHEN WAS THE FIRST TIME YOU SAW IT ? YOU KNOW, IT WAS SORT OF LIKE A N ACCIDENTAL THING. THERE WAS LIKE A MIRROR ON THE FLOOR, AND I WALKED UP AND I WAS LIKE, WHAT, WHAT WAS THAT ? I HAVE TO GO HOME AND DO SOME RESEARCH. I DIDN'T LOOK AT MYSELF 'TIL PROBABLY IN COLLEGE. I DON'T EVEN SAY THE WORD TO MY OB-GYN. AND I WENT TO THE LIBRARY, I'M SNEAKING IN THE LIBRARY, LOOKING THROUGH THE BOOKS, AND YOU KNOW, LIKE I'M COVERING THE BOOK WITH LIKE SOMETHING ELSE. AND THEN IT'S LIKE, "ADMIRE IT, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL FLOWER, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE ROSES." . I'M LIKE, WE'R E NOT LOOKING AT THE SAME THING I TOOK PHOTOS OF IT. A I HAD A POLAROID CAMER AND I WOULD GO INTO THE BATHROOM AND TAKE A PICTURE. ARE YOU EMBARRASSED ? YES. ALL THOSE THINGS ARE KIND OF LIKE SECRET. YOU KNOW ? AND IT'S NOT FOR, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE YOUR OWN LITTLE JOY. I REALIZED THERE WAS NO CONTEXT IN WHICH WOMEN EVER TALK ABOUT THEIR VAGINAS. SO, I JUST STARTED CASUALL Y SAYING TO FRIENDS OF MINE, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR VAGINA ? WHAT DO YOU THINK ? ( Ensler ) AND OVER THE COURSE OF ABOUT THREE TO FIVE YEARS, I HAD INTERVIEWED OVER 200 WOMEN. HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE TALKING ABOUT IT ? VERY STRANGE. I THINK IT'S LIBERATING, BUT IT'S KIND OF FUNNY TOO. ANXIOUS, KIND OF NERVOUS, . NOT REALLY SURE OF WHAT I'M GONNA SAY I REALLY THOUGHT I T WAS GONNA BE LIKE, UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT IT'S NOT. YOU MAKE I T KIND OF EASY. AND EVERYTHING EVERY WOMAN SAID , WAS MORE SURPRISING, OUTRAGEOUS, DISTURBING . EXCITING THAN THE NEXT AND ONE WOMAN WOULD SAY TO ME, OH, YOU REALLY NEED TO TAL TO SO AND SO ABOUT HER VAGINA, SHE HAS AN AMAZING STORY.

AND SHE WOULD SAY, , NO, YOU NEED TO TALK T O SO AND SO ABOUT HER VAGINA SHE HAS... D AND BEFORE I KNEW IT, I WAS REALLY SUCKE DOWN THIS VAGINA TRAIL , AND I COULDN'T GET BACK. AND I'VE BEEN ON THE TRAIL FOR A LONG TIME AND I DON'T THINK I'M GETTING OFF IT ANY TIME SOON. EVERYTHING ON THE WALL, ALL OF THESE WERE GIFTS OR PHOTOGRAPHS OR THINGS THAT HAVE FOUND ME OR HAVE BEEN GIVEN TO ME AS I TRAVELED AROUND THE WORLD. WELL, FIRST I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE VAGINA BARBIE, COMPLETE WITH DUCK LIPS. A LOVELY... VAGINA CANDLE. THIS SALAD HERE... THAT'S A VAGINA SALAD. THIS IS A VULVA PUPPET. THEY ACTUALLY TALK. THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD OF VAGINA LIFE OUT THERE, WHICH I FIND THRILLING. ( laughing ) SO, WHEN THE SHOW WAS FIRST DONE DOWNTOWN, GUYS WOULD CALL UP AND SAY, CAN I HAVE TICKETS TO "THE VAGINA DIALOGUES" ? AND WOMEN WOULD CALL UP AND SAY, CAN I HAVE TICKETS TO "THE MONOLOGUES" ? I'VE HEARD PEOPLE CALL IT "THE VIAGRA CHRONICLES." AND THERE WAS THIS PUNK TICKET TAKER, AND SHE WOULD SAY, "LISTEN, IF YOU CAN'T SAY THE NAME, YOU CAN'T COME. NOW, TRY AGAIN, TRY AGAIN." ( laughing ) ( applause and cheering ) THANK YOU. I BET YOU'RE WORRIED. I WAS WORRIED. THAT'S WHY I BEGAN THIS PIECE. I WAS WORRIED ABOUT VAGINAS. , I WAS WORRIED WHAT WE THINK ABOUT VAGINAS AND I WAS EVEN MORE WORRIED THAT WE DON'T THINK ABOUT THEM. I WAS WORRIED ABOUT MY OWN VAGINA. IT NEEDED A CONTEXT, A COMMUNITY, A CULTURE OF OTHER VAGINAS. THERE IS SO MUCH DARKNESS AND SECRECY SURROUNDING THEM, LIKE THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE, NOBODY EVER REPORTS BACK FROM THERE. IN THE FIRST PLACE, IT'S NOT SO EASY TO EVEN FIND YOUR VAGINA. WOMEN GO DAYS, WEEKS, MONTHS, WITHOUT LOOKING AT IT. I INTERVIEWED A HIGH-POWERED BUSINESSWOMAN, SHE TOLD ME SHE DIDN'T HAVE TIME. LOOKING AT YOUR VAGINA SHE SAID, IS A FULL DAY'S WORK. YOU'VE GOT TO GET DOWN THERE, ON YOUR BACK, IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, FULL-LENGTH PREFERRED. YOU'VE GOT TO GET IN THE PERFECT POSITION, , WITH THE PERFECT LIGHT

WHICH THEN BECOMES SHADOWE D BY THE ANGLE YOU'RE AT. YOU'RE TWISTING YOUR HEAD UP, ARCHING YOUR BACK, IT'S EXHAUSTING. SHE WAS BUSY. SHE DIDN'T HAVE TIME. SO, I DECIDED TO TALK TO WOMEN ABOUT THEIR VAGINAS. THEY BEGAN AS CASUAL VAGINA INTERVIEWS, AND THEY TURNED INTO VAGINA MONOLOGUES. I TALKED WITH OVER 200 WOMEN. , I TALKED TO YOUNGER WOMEN, OLDER WOMEN, MARRIED WOMEN LESBIANS, SINGLE WOMEN, I TALKED TO COLLEGE PROFESSORS, CORPORATE PROFESSIONALS, ACTORS, SEX WORKERS. I TALKED TO AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMEN, ASIAN-AMERICAN WOMEN, HISPANIC WOMEN, NATIVE-AMERICAN WOMEN, CAUCASIAN WOMEN, JEWISH WOMEN. AT FIRST, WOMEN WERE A LITTLE SHY, A LITTLE RELUCTANT TO TALK. BUT ONCE THEY GOT GOING, YOU COULDN'T STOP THEM. WOMEN LOVE TO TALK ABOUT THEIR VAGINAS, THEY DO. THEY REALLY DO. MAINLY BECAUSE NO ONE'S EVER ASKED THEM BEFORE. LET'S JUST START WITH THE WORD VAGINA. VAGINA. IT SOUNDS LIKE AN INFECTION AT BEST. . MAYBE A MEDICAL INSTRUMENT "HURRY, NURSE, BRING ME THE VAGINA." VAGINA. VAGINA. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU SAY THE WORD, IT NEVER SOUNDS LIKE A WORD YOU WANT TO SAY. IT'S A COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS, TOTALLY UNSEXY WORD. IF YOU USE IT DURING SEX, TRYING TO BE POLITICALLY CORRECT YOU KILL THE ACT RIGHT THERE. I'M WORRIED WHAT WE CALL IT AND DON'T CALL IT. IN GREAT NECK, NEW YORK, THEY CALL IT A "PUSSYCAT". A WOMAN TOLD ME THERE, HER MOTHER USED TO TELL HER, "DON'T WEAR PANTIES, DEAR, UNDERNEATH YOUR PAJAMAS, YOU NEED TO AIR OUT YOUR PUSSYCAT." IN WESTCHESTER, THEY CALL IT A "POOKIE". IN NEW JERSEY, A "TWAT". THERE'S "POWDER BOX", A "POOCHI", A "POOPI", A "PEE-PEE", A "POOPALU", A "POONINANA" AND A "PICHE". THERE'S "TOADIE", "DEE-DEE", "NISHI", "DIGNITY", "COOCHIE SNORCHER", "COOTER", "LABBE", "GLADYS SIEGELMAN", "VA", "WEE-WEE", "WHORESPOT", "NAPPY DUGOUT", "MONGO", "MONKEY BOX", "PAJAMA", "FANNYBOO", "MUSHMELLOW",

"GHOULIE", "POSSIBLE", "TAMALE", "TOTTITA", "CONNIE", A "MIMI" IN MIAMI, A "SPLIT KNISH" IN PHILADELPHIA. AND A "SCHMENDE" IN THE BRONX. I AM WORRIED ABOUT VAGINAS. ( applause ) STEVE ! VAGINA GRADUATE ! THIS IS STEVE, THIS IS STEVE. STEVE JUST GRADUATED FROM UVS, THAT'S THE UNIVERSITY OF VAGINAL SCIENCES. THE MOST VAGINA FRIENDLY GUY IN HIS CLASS, OKAY ? GOT THE JOB, YA. THIS FIRST MONOLOGUE IS BASED ON ONE WOMAN'S STORY, PRETTY MUCH THE WAY I HEARD IT, ALTHOUGH THE SUBJECT OF THIS INTERVIEW CAME UP IN EVERY INTERVIEW AND WAS OFTEN FRAUGHT. . THE SUBJEC T BEING HAIR I LOVE HAIR. I MEAN... . HAIR VAGINA, HAIR IS A VAGINA, THE VAGINA IS HAIR I LIKE MY HAIR, I'D LIKE A LOT MORE HAIR ACTUALLY. I'M A REDHEAD AND EVERYTHING'S RED. I MEAN, IT'S JUST RED, RED , RED, RED, RED, RED, RED. I'VE NEVER SHAVED THE BIKINI LINE. I WEAR APPROPRIATE BATHING SUITS SO THAT IT COVERS, BUT, D I DON'T, YOU KNOW, I DON'T FEEL THAT I HA . TO WORK ON IT COSMETICALLY BECAUSE I'VE BEEN AFFLICTE D WITH HAIR FROM THE TIME I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD, ON MY VAGINA, I'M VERY CURIOUS WHAT IT WOULD FEEL LIKE, TO BE HAIRLESS. I DON'T MEAN A HAIRCUT, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT ANYTHING LIKE CRAZY, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I DO IT MYSELF, SO HOW CRAZY CAN IT BE ? IT'S JUST LIKE A NORMAL... NICE, NEAT, YOU KNOW, THING. THOUGHT EVERYBODY DID THAT, NO ? YOU CANNOT LOVE A VAGINA UNLESS YOU LOVE HAIR. MANY PEOPLE DO NOT LOVE HAIR. MY FIRST AND ONLY HUSBAND HATED HAIR. HE SAID IT WAS CLUTTERED AND DIRTY. HE MADE ME SHAVE MY VAGINA. IT LOOKED PUFFY, AND EXPOSED, LIKE A LITTLE GIRL. THIS EXCITED HIM. WHEN HE MADE LOVE TO MY VAGINA, IT FELT THE WAY A BEARD MUST FEEL. IT FELT GOOD TO SCRATCH IT, AND PAINFUL, LIKE SCRATCHING A MOSQUITO BITE. THERE WERE SCREAMING RED BUMPS. IT FELT LIKE IT WAS ON FIRE. I REFUSED TO SHAVE IT AGAIN. THEN MY HUSBAN D HAD AN AFFAIR. WHEN WE WENT TO MARITAL THERAPY,

HE SAID HE SCREWED AROUND BECAUSE I WOULDN'T PLEASE HIM SEXUALLY, I WOULDN'T SHAVE MY VAGINA. THE THERAPIST HAD A THICK GERMAN ACCENT, AND SHE GASPED ( gasping ) BETWEEN SENTENCES ( gasping ) TO SHOW HER EMPATHY. ( laughing ) SHE ASKED ME WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO PLEASE MY HUSBAND, WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO SHAVE MY VAGINA. I TOLD HER I THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD. I FELT LITTLE WHEN MY HAIR WAS GONE DOWN THERE, AND I COULDN'T HEL P TALKING IN A BABY VOICE. AND EVEN CALAMINE LOTION WOULDN'T STOP THE IRRITATION. SHE TOLD ME THAT MARRIAGE WAS A COMPROMISE. I ASKED HER IF MY SHAVING MY VAGINA WOULD STOP MY HUSBAND FROM SCREWING AROUND. I ASKED HER IF SHE HAD MAN Y CASES LIKE THIS BEFORE. SHE TOLD ME THAT QUESTIONS DILUTED THE PROCESS. SHE WAS SURE IT WA S A GOOD BEGINNING, I JUST NEEDED TO JUMP IN. THIS TIME, WHEN WE GOT HOME, HE GOT TO SHAVE MY VAGINA. IT WAS LIKE A THERAPY BONUS PRIZE. HE CLIPPED IT A FEW TIMES, AND THERE WAS A LITTLE BLOOD IN THE BATHTUB. HE DIDN'T NOTICE, HE WAS SO EXCITED SHAVING ME. THEN, LATER, WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS PRESSING AGAINST ME, I COULD FEEL HIS SPIKY SHARPNESS STICKING INTO MY NAKED EXPOSED VAGINA. THERE WAS NO PROTECTION. . THERE WAS NO FLUFF N I REALIZED THE . THAT HAIR IS THERE FOR A REASON IT'S THE LEAF AROUND THE FLOWER, THE LAWN AROUND THE HOUSE. YOU HAVE TO LOVE HAIR IN ORDER TO LOVE THE VAGINA. . YOU CAN'T PICK THE PARTS YOU WANT AND BESIDES... MY HUSBAND, WELL... HE NEVER DID STOP SCREWING AROUND. ( applause ) YOU KNOW, I INTERVIEWED A WHOLE GROUP OF WOMEN BETWEEN 65 AND 75. AND THAT WAS DEFINITELY THE MOST POIGNANT GROUP. MAINLY BECAUSE I DON'T THINK MANY WOMEN IN THAT GROUP HAD EVER HAD A VAGINA INTERVIEW BEFORE. THIS PARTICULAR WOMAN WAS 72 YEARS OLD, AND SHE HAD NEVER SEEN HER VAGINA. SHE'D WASHED IT IN THE SHOWER AND BATH, , BUT NEVER WITH CONSCIOUS INTENTION OR AWARENESS AND SHE'D NEVER HAD AN ORGASM. WHEN SHE WAS 72, SHE WENT TO THERAPY FOR THE FIRST TIME, AS WE DO IN NEW YORK, AND SHE WORKED WITH A WONDERFUL THERAPIST,

WHO GOT HER TO GO HOME, BY HERSELF. SHE TOLD ME SHE LIT SOME CANDLES, SHE PLAYED SOME MUSIC, SHE TOOK A BATH. SHE GOT DOWN WITH HERSELF, AND SHE TOLD ME IT TOOK HER OVER AN HOUR BECAUSE SHE WAS ARTHRITIC, BUT WHEN SHE FINALLY FOUND HER CLITORIS, SHE SAID SHE CRIED. THIS IS FOR HER... DOWN THERE ? I HAVEN'T BEEN DOWN THERE SINCE 1953. NO. NO, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH EISENHOWER. NO. NO, TRUST ME, TRUST ME, YOU DON'T WANT TO GO DOWN THERE, IT'S VERY DAMP, VERY CLAMMY. SMELL THE MILDEW, GETS IN YOUR CLOTHES, IT'S HORRIBLE. NO. NO, AND THERE WAS NO ACCIDENT DOWN THERE, IT DIDN'T BLOW UP OR CATCH ON FIRE. IT WASN'T SO DRAMATIC. WHAT'S A NICE GIRL LIKE YOU GOING AROUND TALKING TO OLD LADIES ABOUT THEIR "DOWN THERE'S" FOR ? WE DIDN'T DO THIS KIND OF A THING WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE. WELL... . THERE WAS THIS BOY OH, GOD. ANDY. ANDY LEFTKOV. OH, GOD. HE WAS SO GOOD LOOKING , AND TALL, LIKE ME. HE ASKED ME OUT FOR A DATE, I'LL NEVER FORGET, IN HIS NEW WHITE CHEVY BELAIR, OH, MY GOD. I CAN'T DO THIS. I'M SORRY. I CAN'T TALK TO YO U ABOUT DOWN THERE. YOU JUST KNOW IT'S THERE LIKE THE CELLAR. , YOU CAN HEAR THE PIPES THINGS GET CAUGHT THER E FROM TIME TO TIME. LITTLE ANIMALS AND THINGS. , IT GETS WET, PEOPLE COME, THEY PLUG UP THE LEAKS OTHERWISE THE DOOR STAYS CLOSED, YOU FORGET ABOUT IT. ANDY. OH, GOD, HE WAS A CATCH. THAT'S WHAT WE CALLED IT IN MY DAY. WE'RE IN HIS CAR, AND ALL I'M THINKING ABOUT ARE MY KNEECAPS. I HAVE VERY LONG LEGS, AND MY KNEECAPS WERE SMUSHED UP AGAINST THE DASHBOARD. WHEN ANDY JUST GRABS ME, AND KISSES ME IN THIS " "TAKE YOU BY CONTROL LIKE THEY DO IN THE MOVIES KIND OF WAY. WELL, I GOT EXCITED. . I GOT VERY EXCITED AND THERE WAS A... WELL, THERE WAS A...

. WELL, THERE WA S A FLOOD DOWN THERE THIS RIVER OF LIFE, THIS FORCE OF PASSION JUST FLOODED OUT OF ME. RIGHT THROUGH MY PANTIES, RIGHT ONTO THE CAR SEAT OF HIS NEW WHITE CHEVY BELAIR. WELL, IT WASN'T PEE. AND IT WASN'T SMELLY. WELL, HE SAID, ANDY SAID, HE SAID IT SMELLED LIKE SOUR MILK AND IT WAS STAINING HIS CAR SEAT. I WAS "A STINKY WEIRD GIRL", HE SAID. I TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT HIS KISS HAD CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD, I WASN'T NORMALLY LIKE THIS. I TRIED TO WIPE UP THE FLOOD WITH MY DRESS. IT WAS A NEW, YELLOW PRIMROSE DRESS, AND IT LOOKED UGLY WITH THE FLOOD ON IT. . ANDY DROVE ME HOME HE NEVER... HE NEVER SAID ANOTHER WORD TO ME. AND WHEN I GOT OUT OF HIS CAR, I TELL YOU, I CLOSED IT, LOCKED IT, LOCKED THE STORE. NEVER OPENED FOR BUSINESS AGAIN. , I USED TO HAVE THESE DREAMS, THOUGH, I MEAN THEY'RE CRAZY DREAMS, DOPEY DREAMS. WHY ? BURT REYNOLDS. I DON'T KNOW WHY. THE GUY NEVER DID A THING FOR ME IN LIFE. BUT ALWAYS IN MY DREAMS, IT WAS BURT AND I, BURT AND I, BURT AND I. WE'D BE OUT FOR DINNER, ONE OF THOSE RESTAURANTS, THE KIND YOU SEE IN ATLANTIC CITY. HUGE CHANDELIERS, THOUSANDS OF THE WAITERS WITH THE VESTS ON. BURT WOULD BE THERE, HE'D GIVE ME AN ORCHID CORSAGE. I'D PIN IT TO MY BLAZER. WE'D LAUGH, WE WERE ALWAYS LAUGHING, BURT AND I. . LAUGHING, LAUGHING ATE SHRIMP COCKTAIL, FABULOUS SHRIMP, HUGE SHRIMP. THEN BURT WOULD LEAN TOWARDS ME, AND JUST AS HE WAS ABOUT TO KISS ME, THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT WOULD START TO SHAKE. PIGEONS WOULD FLY OUT FROM UNDERNEATH THE TABLE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PIGEONS WERE DOING THERE AND THE FLOOD WOULD COME, STRAIGHT FROM DOWN THERE. IT WOULD POUR OUT OF ME. IT WOULD POUR AND POUR. THERE'D BE LITTLE BOATS INSIDE IT AND LITTLE FISH, AND THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT WOULD FILL UP WITH MY FLOOD. AND THERE WOULD BE BURT, STANDING WAIST DEEP IN IT, LOOKING HORRIFIED. HORRIBLY DISAPPOINTED I'D DONE IT AGAIN,

AS HE WATCHED HIS FRIENDS, DEAN MARTIN AND THE LIKES, SWIM PAST US IN THEIR TUXEDOS AND EVENING GOWNS. I DON'T HAVE THOSE DREAMS ANYMORE, NO. NOT SINCE THEY TOO K JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING CONNECTED WITH DOWN THERE. MOVED OUT THE TUBES, THE UTERUS, THE WHOLE WORKS. MY DOCTOR THINKS HE'S A REAL COMEDIAN. HE TELLS ME, "YOU DON'T USE IT, YOU LOSE IT". BUT, REALLY, IT WAS CANCER. THE WHOLE THING HAD TO GO. HIGHLY OVERRATED ANYWAY, RIGHT ? I DO OTHER THINGS. LOVE THE DOG SHOWS. I SELL ANTIQUES. EXCUSE ME ? COME AGAIN ? "WHAT WOULD IT WEAR ?" WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT, WHAT WOULD IT WEAR ? IT WOULD WEAR A SIGN, "CLOSED, DUE TO FLOODING". WHAT WOULD IT SAY ? I TOLD YOU, IT'S NOT A THING THAT SPEAKS, IT'S A PLACE. A PLACE YOU DON'T GO. CLOSED UP, UNDER THE HOUSE, DOWN THERE. YOU HAPPY NOW, YOU HAPPY ? YOU GOT AN OLD LADY TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF, YOU FEEL BETTER ? ACTUALLY... I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH. O YOU ARE THE VERY FIRST PERSON I EVER TALKED T ABOUT ANY OF THIS STUFF. . I FEEL A LITTLE BETTER ( applause ) ( Ensler ) DID YOU EVER LOOK AT YOUR VAGINA OR-- ? NO, I DIDN'T, NO, I DIDN'T. SO, YOU'VE NEVER SEEN YOUR VAGINA ? I DON'T THINK SO. I DON'T THINK SO, AND I'VE HAD CHILDREN. REALLY ? YEAH. WHAT DO YOU IMAGINE IT LOOKS LIKE ? WELL, I GUESS I'VE SEEN IT IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE, WHEN I'M IN THE STIRRUPS, IF THERE'S A MIRROR, G I MEAN, I'M SURE I MUS T HAVE SEEN IT IN PASSIN . OVER THE YEARS WELL, I HAPPENED TO LOOK DOWN AND THERE WAS THIS VERY UGLY THING STARING BACK AT ME, AND... ( laughing ) OH, MY GOD. AND DO YOU HAVE GOOD SEX TODAY ? YES. YOU SAID "GOOD", YOU DIDN'T ASK HOW OFTEN. IS THERE SOMETHING SPECIFIC IT'S LONGED FOR ? WELL, RIGHT ABOUT NOW, PROBABLY SEX. 'CAUSE IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME. ( laughing )

IT'S PROBABLY DOWN THERE JUST WISHING. JUST WISHING. JUST WISHING. WHY DON'T YOU GET SOME SENSE, WOMAN, AND GIVE ME SOME HELP DOWN HERE ? IT STILL ACHES A LITTLE BIT, . BECAUSE I STIL L LIKE TO PLAY HOUSE ( laughing ) I'M OLD, NOT DEAD. NO, I'M NOT HOLDING THIS. IT'S AMAZING HOW MANY PEOPLE COMPLAIN THAT THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH MONOLOGUES ABOUT HETEROSEXUAL, VAGINA-LOVING MEN. WE HAVE 10 MINUTES, MS. ENSLER. THERE IS A VAGINA-LOVING MAN. COME IN, STEVE. THIS IS THE GUY. RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE. TELL ME, WHAT'VE YOU LEARNED ABOUT VAGINAS IN THE LAST FEW DAYS ? I'VE PROBABLY LEARNED MORE IN THE LAST THREE DAYS THAN IN MY ENTIRE 24 YEARS. REALLY ? OH, YEAH. SPECIFIC ? BASICALLY, I THOUGHT I KNEW SOMETHING, . AND I KNEW NOTHING THAT'S WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO. THIS NEXT MONOLOGU E IS BASED ON AN INTERVIEW I DID WITH A WOMAN WHO HAD A GOOD EXPERIENCE WITH A MAN. ( laughing ) BECAUSE HE LIKED TO LOOK AT IT. THIS IS HOW I CAME TO LOVE MY VAGINA. IT'S EMBARRASSING BECAUSE IT'S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT. I MEAN, I KNOW HOW IT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED. IN A BATH, WITH SALT GRAINS FROM THE DEAD SEA, ENYA PLAYING... ME LOVING MY WOMAN-SELF. I KNOW THE STORY. VAGINAS ARE BEAUTIFUL. OUR SELF-HATRED IS ONLY THE INTERNALIZED REPRESSION AND HATRED OF THE PATRIARCHAL CULTURE. IT ISN'T REAL. PUSSIES UNITE. I KNOW ALL OF IT. LIKE IF WE'D GROWN UP IN A CULTURE WHERE WE WERE TAUGHT FAT THIGHS WERE BEAUTIFUL, WE'D ALL BE POUNDING DOWN MILK SHAKES AND DOUGHNUTS, , SPENDING OUR DAYS LYING ON OUR BACKS THIGH-EXPANDING. BUT WE DIDN'T GROW UP IN THAT CULTURE, DID WE ? NO. I HATED MY THIGHS, AND I HATED MY VAGINA EVEN MORE. I THOUGHT IT WAS INCREDIBLY UGLY. I WAS ONE OF THOSE WOMEN WHO HAD LOOKED AT IT,

AND FROM THAT MOMENT ON I WISHED I HADN'T. IT MADE ME SICK. I PITIED ANYONE WHO HAD TO GO DOWN THERE. IN ORDER TO SURVIVE, I BEGAN TO PRETEND THERE WAS SOMETHIN G ELSE BETWEEN MY LEGS. I IMAGINED FURNITURE. COZY FUTONS WITH LIGHT COTTON COMFORTERS, LITTLE VELVET SETTEES, OR PRETTY THINGS. SILK HANDKERCHIEFS, QUILTED POT HOLDERS. I GOT SO ACCUSTOMED TO THIS, I LOST ALL MEMORY OF HAVING A VAGINA. WHENEVER A MAN WAS INSIDE ME, I PICTURED HIM INSIDE A MINK-LINED MUFFLER OR A CHINESE BOWL. THEN I MET BOB... BOB WAS THE MOST ORDINARY MAN I EVER MET. THIN, TALL, NONDESCRIPT, HE WORE KHAKI TAN CLOTHES. ( audience laughing ) BOB DID NOT LIKE SPICY FOODS OR LISTEN TO PRODIGY. HE HAD NO INTEREST IN SEXY LINGERIE. IN THE SUMMER, HE SPENT TIME IN THE SHADE. . HE DID NOT SHARE HIS INNER FEELINGS , HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS OR ISSUES HE WASN'T EVEN AN ALCOHOLIC. HE WASN'T VERY FUNNY O R ARTICULATE OR MYSTERIOUS. . HE WASN'T MEAN OR UNAVAILABLE HE WASN'T SELF-INVOLVED OR CHARISMATIC. HE DIDN'T DRIVE FAST. I DIDN'T PARTICULARLY LIKE BOB. I WOULD HAVE MISSED HIM ALTOGETHER E IF HE HADN'T PICKED UP MY CHANG THAT I DROPPED ON THE DELI FLOOR. WHEN HE HANDED ME BACK MY PENNIES AND QUARTERS, AND HIS HAND ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED MINE, . SOMETHING HAPPENED . I WENT TO BED WITH HIM THAT'S WHEN TH E MIRACLE OCCURRED. IT TURNED OUT THAT BOB LOVED VAGINAS. HE WAS A CONNOISSEUR. HE LOVED THE WAY THEY TASTED, THE WAY THEY SMELLED, THE WAY THEY FELT, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, BOB LOVED THE WAY THEY LOOKED. . HE HAD TO LOOK AT THEM FIRST TIME WE HAD SEX, HE TOLD ME HE HAD TO SEE ME. "I'M RIGHT HERE, BOB." "NO," HE SAID. "YOU, I NEED TO SEE YOU." "TURN ON THE LIGHT," I SAID, THINKING HE WAS A WEIRDO AND FREAKING OUT IN THE DARK. HE TURNED ON THE LIGHT. "OKAY," HE SAID, "I'M READY, I'M READY TO SEE YOU." "I'M RIGHT HERE, BOB, RIGHT HERE."

HE BEGAN TO UNDRESS ME. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BOB ?" "I NEED TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE." "BUT YOU'VE SEEN A RED LEATHER COUCH BEFORE, BOB, I KNOW YOU'VE SEEN THAT." BOB CONTINUED, HE WOULD NOT STOP. I WANTED TO THROW UP AND DIE. "THIS IS AWFULLY INTIMATE, BOB. CAN'T YOU JUST DO IT ?" "NO," HE SAID. "IT'S WHO YOU ARE, I NEED TO LOOK." I HELD MY BREATH. HE LOOKED, AND LOOKED. HE GASPED, AND SMILED, AND STARED, AND GROANED. HE GOT BREATHY, AND HIS FACE CHANGED. HE DIDN'T LOOK ORDINARY ANYMORE. HE LOOKED LIKE A HUNGRY BEAST. "YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL," HE SAID. "YOU'RE ELEGANT AND DEEP " AND INNOCENT AND WILD. "YOU SAW THAT THERE ?", I SAID. IT WAS LIKE HE READ MY PALM. "I SAW THAT," HE SAID, "AND MUCH, MUCH MORE." BOB STAYED LOOKING . FOR ALMOST AN HOUR , AS IF HE WERE STUDYING A MAP , OBSERVING THE MOON STARING INTO MY EYES. BUT IT WAS MY VAGINA ! IN THE LIGHT, I WATCHED HIM LOOKING AT ME. HE WAS SO EXCITED. SO PEACEFUL AND EUPHORIC. I BEGAN TO GET WET AND TURNED ON. I BEGAN TO SEE MYSELF THE WAY HE SAW ME. I BEGAN TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL AND DELICIOUS, LIKE A GREAT PAINTING OR A WATERFALL. BOB WASN'T AFRAID, NO, HE WASN'T GROSSED OUT. I BEGAN TO SWELL. I BEGAN TO FEEL PROUD. I BEGAN TO LOVE MY VAGINA. . AND BOB LOST HIMSELF THERE AND I WAS THERE WITH HIM, IN MY VAGINA. AND WE... WERE... GONE ! ( applause ) WE'RE GONNA GET LITTLE BUTTONS MADE THAT SAY, "I'M YOUR BOB." HE'S A "BOB", I CAN TELL. IT'S PART OF THAT WHOLE UNIVERSITY TRAINING, YOU KNOW ?

OH, MY GOD. IT'S ALL ABOUT POSTURE AND HAIR. HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT MY HAIR THIS MUCH IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I ASKED ALL THE WOMEN I INTERVIEWED THE SAME QUESTIONS, AND THEN I PICKED MY FAVORITE ANSWERS, ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I HAVE NEVER HEARD AN ANSWER I DIDN'T LOVE. THE FIRST QUESTION I ASKED WOMEN WAS, IF YOUR VAGINA GOT DRESSED, WHAT WOULD IT WEAR ? WHAT WOULD YOU R VAGINA WEAR IF IT GOT DRESSED ? OH, I KNEW THAT QUESTION WAS GOING TO COME, AND I SAID THAT EVERYBODY WOULD PROBABLY SAY THAT I WOULD HAVE ON A RALPH LAUREN SKIRT OR A CALVIN KLEIN DRESS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I WOULD PROBABLY PUT A HAT ON IT. LOTS OF GLITTER. RED SILK. JEANS. . PROBABLY A RED BOA HIKING BOOTS AND A LOT OF SUN BLOCK. SOMETHING FROM THE 40s. I LIKE LEATHER , IT'S SEXY. IT WOULD BE BALD. AND IT'D HAVE AN EARRING. ACTUALLY MY VAGINA'S A NUDIST. DOESN'T WEAR ANYTHING ANYMORE. SOME "TIMS", SOME BAGGY JEANS, PROBABLY A HOODIE. LIKE A LITTLE OLD-FASHIONED DRESS. . SPOTTED LEATHER PANTS, AND A BLACK KNIT SHIRT OOH, DADDY WOULD LOVE THAT. I KNOW IT, HE WOULD LOVE IT. I'VE BEEN TRAVELIN G FOR SEVERAL YEARS ALL AROUND THE WORLD, AND I'VE BEEN THREATENING TO CREATE A MAP , OF ALL THE VAGINA-FRIENDLY CITIES FIVE YEARS IN THE THEATER, NOT ONE MAP. ONE HOUR IN HBO, PRESTO ! ! A VAGINA FRIENDLY MAP I BET YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT SOME OF THE REALLY MANY SURPRISING VAGINA-FRIENDLY CITIES. OKLAHOMA CITY LOVES VAGINAS. WHO KNEW ? BOISE, IDAHO, RECENT RECENT CONVERT THEY'VE COME INTO VAGINA LAND. . CONGRATULATIONS, IDAHO THERE ARE ON THIS MAP VAGINA HOLIDAY ZONES, NEW YORK CITY IS VAGINA HOLIDAY ZONE. . SAN FRANCISCO HAS ITS OWN STATUS . THERE IS NO OTHER VAGINA WORLD FAIR ZONE IT'S THE ONLY ONE ON THE MAP, JUST IMAGINE THE RIDE. THERE ARE SOME AREAS WHICH CLEARLY, AS YOU LOOK THROUG H THE MID-PART OF AMERICA, HAVE NOT BEEN LIBERATED AS OF YET, BUT WE HAVE GREAT FAITH THEY WILL BE LIBERATED ANY DAY NOW. PITTSBURGH IS A WILD--

WHERE IS PITTSBURGH ? WILDLY, WILDLY VAGINA-FRIENDLY CITY, I'VE BEEN THER E THREE TIMES AND THEY LOVE VAGINAS IN PITTSBURGH. WHO KNEW ? AFTER ONE OF M Y FIRST SHOWS THERE, A WOMAN CAME UP TO ME AND SHE SAID, I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT AWAY. . SHE WAS VERY UPSET . I CALLED HER WHEN I GOT BACK TO NEW YORK SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE LIKED THE PIECE, BUT SHE FELT I HAD MISSED THE TEXTURE OF THE VAGINA, SHE NEEDED TO TALK TEXTURE. FOR THE NEXT HOUR, SHE TALKED TO ME ABOUT THE TEXTURE OF THE VAGINA WITH SUCH NUANCE AND DETAIL, THAT TO BE HONEST, I HAD TO LAY DOWN AT THE END OF THE CONVERSATION. HOWEVER, SHE ALSO TOLD ME IN THE COURSE OF OUR CONVERSATION THAT I HAD SAI D SOMETHING NEGATIVE ABOUT A PARTICULAR WORD. A PEJORATIVE WORD, A WORD THAT'S BEEN USE D TO DECLAIM THE VAGINA, AND SHE NEEDED TO HELP ME RECONCEIVE THIS WORD. SO, FOR THE NEXT HOUR, SHE TALKED TO ME ABOUT THIS WORD, AND WHEN SHE WAS DONE, I WAS A CONVERT. . I WROTE THIS FOR HER.. I CALL IT... CUNT. I'VE RECLAIMED IT. CUNT. I REALLY LIKE IT. CUNT, JUST LISTEN TO IT, LISTEN TO IT. CUNT. CA... CA... CAVERN, CACKLE, CLIT, CUTE, COME-CLOSED C, CLOSED INSIDE, INSIDE CA... CA... THEN U... THEN CU... THEN CURVY, INVITING SHARKSKIN, U... UNIFORM, UNDER, UP, URGE, OOH, OOH, U... . THEN N, THEN CUN.. CUN... SNUG LETTERS FITTING PERFECTLY TOGETHER. N... NEST, NOW, NEXUS, NICE,

ALWAYS DEPTH, ALWAYS ROUND IN UPPERCASE, CUN, CUN... ! A JAGGED WICKE D ELECTRICAL PULSE. N..., N... THEN SOFT N, WARM N... CUN, CUN. THEN T, THEN T... THEN SHARP CERTAIN TANGY T... TEXTURE, TAKE, TIGHT, TENT, TANTALIZING, TENSING, TASTE, TENDRILS, TIME, TACTILE, TELL ME ! TELL ME, CUNT ! CUNT ! SAY IT ! TELL ME, COME ON ! CUNT. CUNT. CUNT ! WHOO ! . LOVE THAT WORD I CAN'T SAY IT ENOUGH. I CAN'T STOP SAYING IT. FEELING A LITTLE IRRITATED IN THE AIRPORT, JUST SAY "CUNT", EVERYTHING CHANGES. "WHAT DID YOU SAY ?" I SAID, "CUNT, THAT'S RIGHT, CUNT, CUNT, CUNT, CUNT." IT FEELS GOOD. TRY IT, GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD. CUNT. CUNT. CUNT. CUNT. . CUNT, CUNT CUNT. . CUNT, CUNT CUNT ! ( together ) CUNT, CUNT, CUNT... ! I'M A CUNT ! MY MOTHER'S GONNA SEE THIS, I CAN'T. CUNT. THIS IS BETTER THAN THERAPY. TURNS THE DAY AROUND, I PROMISE YOU. WE'RE MOVING ALONG. I ASKED WOMEN, "IF YOUR VAGINA COULD TALK, WHAT WOULD IT SAY ?" , IF YOUR VAGINA COULD TALK, AND IT COULD SAY TWO WORDS WHAT WOULD IT SAY ? SLOW DOWN. THE FIRST TWO WORDS THAT CAME TO ME HEAD WAS, , "OH, NO," AND I DON'T KNOW IF THAT ANSWERS YOUR QUESTION OR IF THAT'S WHAT MY VAGINA WOULD SAY, LIKE, "OH, NO".

ICE PACK. FEED ME. EEH ! . USE ME "EAT ME" COMES TO MIND. STOP THINKING SO MUCH AND HAVE A GOOD TIME. WHERE'S TOM ? WHAT DO YOU WANT ? WANT SOME. YES ! NEED SOME. MORE. HELP ME. OPEN FOR BUSINESS. ? HOW YOU DOING SLOW DOWN. IT'S COZY. HOWDIE, PARTNER. WHAT'S UP, HONEY ? GO, GIRL. I'M HERE. I'M HERE. I'M HERE. THANK YOU. ACCEPT GIFTS. I'M HAPPY. THAT'S IT. THAT'S WHAT IT WOULD SAY. FOR 10 YEARS I HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF WORKING WITH WOMEN IN NEW YORK WHO HAD NO HOMES. IN THAT TIME, I DID ALL KINDS OF THINGS. I HUNG OUT, I RAN GROUPS, I HAD MEALS, I WENT TO THE MOVIES. I INTERVIEWED HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS OF HOMELESS WOMEN. AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU IN ALL THOSE YEARS, IN ALL THOSE INTERVIEWS, I ONLY MET ONE WOMAN WHO WAS NOT SEXUALLY ABUSED, AS A LITTLE GIRL OR RAPED AS A YOUNG WOMAN. THIS PARTICULAR WOMAN I MET SEVEN YEARS AGO, IN A SHELTER, AND THIS IS HER STORY, JUST THE WAY SHE TOLD IT TO ME. I DIDN'T ADD OR CHANGE ANYTHING. WHAT'S NOT IN HER STORY IS THAT SHE MET A WOMAN IN THAT SHELTER AND THEY FELL IN LOVE, AND THROUGH THEIR LOVE THEY BOTH GOT OUT OF THE SHELTER SYSTEM. I DO THIS TONIGHT FOR HER, BECAUSE I LOVED HER. ( in southern accent ) MEMORY, DECEMBER, 1965, FIVE YEARS OLD. MY MAMA TELLS ME IN A SCARY, LOUD, LIFE-THREATENING VOICE TO STOP SCRATCHING MY COOCHIE SNORCHER. I BECOME TERRIFIED I HAVE SCRATCHED IT OFF DOWN THERE AND DO NOT TOUCH MYSELF AGAIN.

EVEN IN THE BATH, I AM AFRAID OF THE WATER GETTING IN AND FILLING ME UP SO I EXPLODE. I PUT BAND-AIDS OVER MY COOCHIE SNORCHER TO COVER THE HOLE, BUT THEY FALL OFF IN THE WATER. I IMAGINE A STOPPER, A BATH TUB PLUG UP THERE TO PREVENT THINGS FROM ENTERING ME. I SLEEP WITH THREE PAIRS OF HAPPY HEART-SHAPED COTTON UNDERPANTS UNDERNEATH MY SNAP-UP PAJAMAS. I STILL WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF, BUT I DON'T. MEMORY, SEVEN YEARS OLD. EDGAR MONTANE, WHO IS 10, GETS ANGRY AT ME AND PUNCHES ME WITH ALL HIS MIGHT BETWEEN MY LEGS. IT FEELS LIKE HE BREAKS MY ENTIRE SELF. I LIMP HOME, I CAN'T PEE. MY MAMA SAYS "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU R COOCHIE SNORCHER, GIRL ?" AND WHEN I TELL HER WHAT EDGAR DID TO ME, SHE SAYS, "NEVER, NEVER LET ANYONE TOUCH YOU DOWN THERE AGAIN". I TRIED TO EXPLAIN. "HE DIDN'T TOUCH IT, MAMA. HE PUNCHED IT." MEMORY, NINE YEARS OLD. I PLAY ON THE BED, BOUNCING AND FALLING, AND IMPALE MY COOCHIE SNORCHER ON THE BEDPOST. I MAKE HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING NOISES THAT COME STRAIGHT FROM MY COOCHIE SNORCHER'S MOUTH. I GET TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL, . AND THEY SEW IT UP DOWN THERE FROM WHERE IT'S BEEN TORN APART MEMORY, 10 YEARS OLD. I'M AT MY FATHER'S HOUSE AND HE'S HAVIN G A PARTY UPSTAIRS. EVERYONE'S DRINKING. I'M PLAYING ALONE IN THE BASEMENT, AND I'M TRYING ON MY NEW COTTON WHITE BRA AND PANTIES, . THAT MY FATHER'S GIRLFRIEND GAVE ME SUDDENLY MY FATHER'S BEST FRIEND, THIS BIG MAN ALFRED, COMES UP FROM BEHIND, AND PULLS MY NEW UNDERPANTS DOWN, AND STICKS HIS BIG, HARD PENIS RIGHT INTO MY COOCHIE SNORCHER. I SCREAM, I KICK, I TRY TO FIGHT HIM OFF, . BUT HE ALREADY GETS IN MY DADDY'S THERE THEN, AND HE HAS A GUN, AND THERE IS A LOUD, HORRIBLE NOISE, , AND THEN THERE IS BLOO D ALL OVER ALFRED AND ME LOTS OF BLOOD. I AM SURE MY COOCHIE SNORCHER IS FINALLY FALLEN OUT. ALFRED IS PARALYZED FOR LIFE. AND MY MAMA DOESN'T LET ME SEE MY FATHER AGAIN FOR SEVEN YEARS. MEMORY, 13 YEARS OLD. MY COOCHIE SNORCHER IS A VERY BAD PLACE.

A PLACE OF PAIN, NASTINESS, PUNCHING, INVASION AND BLOOD. IT'S A SITE FOR MISHAPS. IT'S A BAD LUCK ZONE. I IMAGINE A FREEWA Y BETWEEN MY LEGS, . AND GIRL, I AM TRAVELING . I'M GOING FAR AWAY FROM HERE MEMORY, 16 YEARS OLD. , THERE IS THIS GORGEOUS AND I MEAN GORGEOUS, 24-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD. AND I DO NOT KNOW WHY, BUT I CAN'T HELP BUT STARING AT HER ALL THE TIME. ONE DAY, SHE INVITES ME INTO HER CAR. SHE ASKS ME IF I LIKE TO KISS BOYS, AND I SAY, "NO, I DO NOT LIKE TO DO THAT." THEN SHE SAYS SHE WANTS TO SHOW ME SOMETHING. AND SHE LEANS OVER, AND SHE KISSES ME SO SOFTLY ON THE LIPS, WITH HER LIPS. AND THEN SHE PUTS HER TONGUE IN MY MOUTH. WOW. SHE ASKED ME IF I WANT TO COME OVER TO HER HOUSE, AND THEN SHE KISSES ME AGAIN, AND TELLS ME TO RELAX, TO FEEL IT, TO LET OUR TONGUES FEEL IT. SHE ASKS MY MAMA IF I CAN SPEND THE NIGHT, AND MY MAMA'S DELIGHTED, THAT SUCH A BEAUTIFUL, SUCCESSFUL WOMAN HAS TAKEN AN INTEREST IN ME. I AM SCARED, BUT REALLY I CAN'T WAIT. HER APARTMENT IS FANTASTIC. SHE'S GOT IT REALLY HOOKED UP. IT'S THE 70s, THE BEADS, THE FLUFFY PILLOWS, THE MOOD LIGHTS. I DECIDE RIGHT THEN I'M GONNA BE A SECRETARY JUST LIKE HER WHEN I GROW UP. SHE MAKES A VODKA FOR HERSELF, AND THEN SHE ASKS ME WHAT I'M DRINKING. I SAY, THE SAM E AS SHE'S DRINKING, AND SHE SAYS SHE DOESN'T THINK MY MAMA WOULD LIKE ME DRINKING VODKA. I SAY, "SHE PROBABLY WOULDN'T LIKE ME KISSING GIRLS EITHER." AND THE PRETTY LADY MAKES ME A DRINK. THEN SHE CHANGES INTO THIS CHOCOLATE... SATIN TEDDY. SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL. I MEAN, I ALWAYS THOUGHT BULLDAGGERS WERE UGLY. I SAY, "YOU LOOK GREAT." SHE SAYS, "SO DO YOU." I SAY, "NO, I ONLY HAVE THIS WHITE COTTON BRA

AND PANTIES ON." SO, SHE TAKES ME INTO HER CLOSET, AND SHE CHANGES ME INTO ANOTHER SATIN TEDDY. IT IS LAVENDER, LIKE THE FIRST SOFT DAYS OF SPRING. THE ALCOHOL HAS GONE TO MY HEAD, AND I AM LOOSE. I AM READY. I NOTICE, AS SHE LAYS ME DOWN ON HER BED, THAT THERE IS A PICTURE OF A NAKED BLACK WOMAN WITH A HUGE AFRO. AS SHE SLOWLY AND GENTLY LAYS ME DOWN ON HER BED, AND JUST OUR BODIES RUBBING. JUST OUR BODIES RUBBING MAKES ME COME. THEN SHE DOES EVERYTHING T O ME AND MY COOCHIE SNORCHER THAT I ALWAYS THOUGHT WAS NASTY BEFORE AND OH, MY GOD, I AM SO EXCITED. SHE SAYS, "YOUR VAGINA, UNTOUCHED BY MAN, "SMELLS SO FRESH, SO NICE, I WISH I COULD KEEP IT THAT WAY FOREVER." I GET CRAZY. I GET CRAZY WILD. AND THEN THE PHONE RINGS, AND IT'S MY MAMA. SHE CATCHES ME AT EVERYTHING. I TRY TO ACT NORMAL WHEN I GET ON THE PHONE. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, GIRL ? HAVE YOU BEEN RUNNING ?" I SAY, "NO, MAMA, EXERCISING." AFTERWARDS, THE GORGEOUS LADY TEACHES ME EVERYTHING ABOUT MY COOCHIE SNORCHER. SHE MAKES ME PLAY WITH MYSELF IN FRONT OF HER, AND SHE TEACHES ME ALL THE DIFFERENT WAYS TO GIVE MYSELF PLEASURE. SHE IS VERY THOROUGH. IN THE MORNING, I AM WORRIED I'VE BECOME A BUTCH, BECAUSE I'M SO IN LOVE WITH HER. SHE LAUGHS, BUT I NEVER SEE HER AGAIN. YOU KNOW, I REALIZED LATER, SHE WAS MY SURPRISING, UNEXPECTED, POLITICALLY INCORRECT SALVATION. SHE TRANSFORMED MY SORRY-ASS COOCHIE SNORCHER AND RAISED IT UP INTO A KIND OF HEAVEN. ( applause ) ( Ensler ) IN 1993, I SAW THIS INCREDIBLE PICTURE ON THE COVER OF "NEWSDAY". IT WAS A PICTURE OF SIX YOUNG BOSNIAN GIRLS WHO HAD JUST BEEN RETURNED FROM A RAPE CAMP IN THE FORMER YUGOSLAVIA, AND THE PICTURE WAS REALLY SHOCKING, BECAUSE ON ONE LEVEL THEY LOOKED LIKE SIX YOUNG BEAUTIFUL GIRLS IN THEIR LATE TEENS, EARLY 20s.

BUT FROM ANOTHER DIRECTION IT WAS REALLY CLEAR THAT SOMETHING HAD JUST OCCURRED TO EACH OF THESE GIRLS THAT HAD CHANGED THEM FOREVER. INSIDE THE NEWSPAPER WAS ANOTHER PHOTOGRAPH, AND THERE WERE 30 GIRLS WHO HAD BEEN RETURNED FROM A RAPE CAMP. AND THEY WERE ALL STANDING IN A SEMI-CIRCLE, HAVING THEIR PICTURE TAKEN, YET NOT ONE OF THEM COULD LOOK AT THE CAMERA. THESE PICTURES COMPLETELY HAUNTED ME, AND WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY GOING TO THE FORMER YUGOSLAVIA SEVERAL MONTHS LATER DURING THE WAR, WHERE I SPENT MONTHS INTERVIEWING BOSNIAN WOMEN REFUGEES IN CAMPS AND IN CENTERS. THEIR STORIES WERE, UH, THEY WERE HORRIBLE. AND WHEN I CAME BACK TO THE STATES, I FELT INSANE, AND I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE WEREN'T DOING ANYTHING ABOUT THE FACT THAT BETWEEN 20 AND 70 THOUSAND WOMEN WERE BEING RAPED IN THE MIDDLE OF EUROPE IN 1993, AS A SYSTEMATIC TACTIC OF WAR. AND A FRIEND OF MINE FINALLY SAID, "WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED ?" IN THIS COUNTRY, IN ONE YEAR, AND I DO NOT EXAGGERATE, IT'S A DOCUMENTED FACT. IN THIS COUNTRY IN ONE YEAR, OVER 700,000 WOMEN ARE RAPED. AND IN THEORY, WE'RE NOT AT WAR. I WROTE THIS FOR THE BRAVE, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OF BOSNIA AND KOSOVA. MY VAGINA WAS GREEN WATER, SOFT PINK FIELDS, COW MOOING, SUN RESTING, SWEET BOYFRIEND, TOUCHING LIGHTLY WITH A SOFT PIECE OF BLONDE STRAW. THERE IS SOMETHING BETWEEN MY LEGS. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS. I DO NOT KNOW WHERE IT IS. NOT NOW. NOT ANYMORE. NOT SINCE. , MY VAGINA WAS CHATTY, CAN'T WAIT, SO MUCH SAYING WORDS TALKING, CAN'T QUIT TRYING, CAN'T QUIT SAYING, "YES, YES." NOT SINCE I DREAM THERE'S A DEAD ANIMAL SEWN IN DOWN THERE WITH THICK BLACK FISHING LINE. AND THE BAD DEAD ANIMAL SMELL CANNOT BE REMOVED. AND ITS THROAT IS SLIT AND IT BLEEDS THROUGH ALL MY SUMMER DRESSES. MY VAGINA SINGING ALL GIRL SONGS, ALL GOAT BELL RINGING SONGS, ALL WILD AUTUMN FIELD SONGS, VAGINA SONGS, VAGINA HOME SONGS. NOT SINCE THE SOLDIERS

E PUT A LONG, THICK RIFL INSIDE ME. SO COLD, THE STEEL ROD CANCELING MY HEART. DON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY'RE GONNA FIRE IT OR SHOVE IT THROUG H MY SPINNING BRAIN. SIX OF THEM, WITH BLACK MASKS SHOVING BOTTLES UP ME TOO. . THERE WERE STICKS, AND THE END OF A BROOM , MY VAGINA SWIMMING RIVER WATER, CLEAN SPILLING WATER OVER SUN-BAKED STONES, OVER STONE CLIT, CLIT STONES OVER AND OVER. NOT SINCE I HEARD THE SKIN TEAR AND MADE LEMON SCREECHING SOUNDS... NOT SINCE A PIECE OF MY VAGINA CAME OFF IN MY HAND, NOW ONE PART OF THE LIP, ONE SIDE OF THE LIP IS COMPLETELY GONE. MY VAGINA. A LIVE, WET, WATER VILLAGE. MY VAGINA WAS ONCE MY HOMETOWN. NOT SINCE THEY TOOK TURNS. THEY TOOK TURNS FOR SEVEN DAYS SMELLING LIKE FECE S AND SMOKED MEAT. THEY LEFT THEIR DIRTY SPERM INSIDE ME. AND I BECAME A RIVER OF POISON AND PUS, , AND ALL THE CROPS DIED AND THE FISH. MY VAGINA... A LIVE, WET, WATER VILLAGE. THEY INVADED IT. THEY BUTCHERED IT . AND BURNED IT DOWN . I DO NOT TOUCH NOW . I DO NOT VISIT I LIVE SOMEPLACE ELSE NOW. I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT IS. HAS ANYONE EVER HURT YOUR VAGINA ? . THE WORST THING WA S DEFINITELY BEING RAPED AND WHEN WAS THAT ? WHEN I WAS 14 YEARS OLD. . THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME A MAN EVER DID ENTER MY BODY THAT WAS WHEN YOU WERE A VIRGIN ? SO, WHAT HAPPENED ? UH, HE HAD CUT ME WITH HIS FINGERNAILS, AND THEN I WALKED AROUND TRYING NOT TO PEE, BECAUSE IT HURT. I EXPERIENCED A DATE RAPE IN COLLEGE. THIS WAS A VERY CLOSE FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL, AND HE ONE TIM E WAS STAYING OVER AND WOKE ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AND RIPPED OFF MY UNDERWEAR, STUFFED UNDERWEAR IN MY MOUTH, PINNED MY KNEES DOWN WITH HIS KNEES AND RAPED ME. , I WAS WALKING HOME FROM MY FRIEND'S HOUSE AND AN OLDER MAN CAME UP BEHIND ME AND PUT HIS HAND OVER MY MOUTH,

AND SHOVED HIS OTHER HAND IN MY BACK AND SAID, "DON'T SCREA M OR I'LL KILL YOU." HE BEAT ME AND HE KNIFED ME AND HE RAPED ME. . AND HE TRIED TO KILL ME IT WAS SUCH AN EMOTIONAL INJURY, THAT DISTORTS YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT YOUR WOMANHOOD, YOUR SELF, RELATIONSHIPS. IT TOOK A LONG, LONG, LONG TIME TO TRUST ANYONE, AND TO MAKE REALLY MYSELF FEEL THAT IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. AND THANK GOD I DIDN'T CATCH ANYTHING BEHIND IT. BUT, UM... I WAS HURT MORE THAN MY VAGINA. THANK YOU. MY VAGINA'S ANGRY ! IT IS ! IT'S PISSED OFF ! MY VAGINA IS FURIOUS. AND IT NEEDS TO TALK. T IT NEEDS TO TALK ABOUT ALL THIS SHI . AND IT NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU I MEAN, WHAT IS THE DEAL ? AN ARMY OF PEOPLE OUT THERE THINKING UP WAYS TO TORTURE MY POOR-ASS , GENTLE, LOVING VAGINA. SPENDING THEIR DAYS CONSTRUCTING PSYCHO PRODUCTS . AND NASTY IDEAS TO UNDERMINE MY PUSSY VAGINA MOTHERFUCKERS ! ALL THIS SHIT THEY'RE CONSTANTLY TRYING TO SHOVE UP US. SHOVE UP US, STUFF US UP, AND MAKE US GO AWAY. . WELL, MY VAGINA'S NOT GOING AWAY IT'S PISSED OFF AND IT'S STAYING RIGHT HERE. IS THERE ANYTHING YOUR VAGINA'S EVER BEEN ANGRY AT ? HMM. EVER BEEN ANGRY AT ? YES, AGAIN IT ALL HAS TO DO WITH THE... INVASIVENESS ASPECT, WHEN IT'S NOT READY. WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN, UM... WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN NURTURED. LET'S JUST BEGIN WITH TAMPONS. ? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ( audience laughing ) A DRY WAD OF FUCKING COTTON STUFFED UP THERE. Y WHY CAN'T THEY FIND A WA TO SUBTLY LUBRICATE THE TAMPON ? AS SOON AS MY VAGINA SEES IT, IT GOES INTO SHOCK ! IT CLOSES UP. IT SAYS, "FORGET IT." YOU HAVE TO WORK WITH THE VAGINA, , INTRODUCE IT TO THINGS PREPARE THE WAY. THAT'S WHAT FOREPLAY'S ALL ABOUT. YOU'VE GOT TO CONVINCE MY VAGINA, SEDUCE MY VAGINA, ENGAGE MY VAGINA'S TRUST. YOU CAN'T DO THAT

! WITH A DRY WAD OF FUCKING COTTON YOU PROBABLY DON'T REMEMBER, BUT THEY USED TO HAVE, UH, ELASTIC BELTS WITH LITTLE HOOKS AND THEY HANDED YOU A PAD THAT WAS LIKE THICK ENOUGH FOR BARBIE TO USE AS A RAFT, YOU KNOW ? IT WAS LIKE GIGANTIC. I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS, AFTER I'D STARTED MY PERIOD, SPENDING A SUMMER TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO PUT A TAMPON IN. AND I REMEMBER SORT OF SQUATTING OVER A MIRROR, FOR DAYS AND DAYS AND DAYS TRYING TO FIND THE WAY IN. STOP SHOVING THINGS UP ME ! STOP SHOVING AND STOP CLEANING IT UP. MY VAGINA DOESN'T NEED TO BE CLEANED UP. . IT SMELLS GOOD ALREADY DON'T TRY TO DECORATE. DON'T BELIEVE HIM WHEN HE TELLS YOU IT SMELLS LIKE ROSE PETALS, WHEN IT'S SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE PUSSY. THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING, YOU KNOW, TRYING TO CLEAN IT UP, MAKE IT SMELL LIKE A BATHROOM SPRAY OR A GARDEN. ALL THOSE DOUCHE SPRAYS. FLORAL, BERRY, RAIN. I DON'T WANT MY PUSSY TO SMELL LIKE RAIN ! . ALL CLEANED UP LIKE WASHING A FIS H AFTER YOU'VE COOKED IT I WANNA TASTE THE FISH ! THAT'S WHY I ORDERED IT ! YOU HEARD THE JOKE ABOUT "GOOD EVENING, LADIES" ? NO. , OH, WELL, IT'S A JOKE THAT GOES , "A BLIND MAN PASSED THE FISH MARKET AND HE SAYS, "GOOD EVENING, LADIES !" MY FIANCE SAYS IT'S LIKE POTPOURRI AND ROSES. THAT'S SICK. THAT'S LIKE DOUCHING WITH LIKE... FABRIC FRESH OR GLAD OR WHATEVER. THE THING YOU GET LIKE ALL FREAKED OUT, , BECAUSE THERE' S ALL THESE WARNINGS ABOUT THE ODOR, AND THEN THE ODOR SHOWS UP, AND YOU'RE LIKE, OH, MY GOD, WHAT'S GOING ON ? AND THEN YOU REALIZE IT'S NORMAL. THEN THERE'S THOSE EXAMS. WHO THOUGHT UP THOSE EXAMS ? . I KNOW THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY WHY THE SCARY PAPER DRESS THAT SCRATCHES YOUR TITS ? ? WHY THE FUNKY RUBBER GLOVES WHY THE FLASHLIGHT ALL UP THERE, LIKE NANCY DREW WORKING AGAINST GRAVITY ? WHY THE NAZI STEEL STIRRUPS ? WHY THE MEAN, COLD DUCK LIPS THEY SHOVE INSIDE YOU ? ! WHAT IS THAT ? . MY VAGINA IS FURIOUS ABOUT THESE VISITS IT GETS DEFENDED WEEKS IN ADVANCE, IT WON'T GO OU T OF THE HOUSE. , THEN YOU GET THERE DON'T YOU LOVE THAT ?

. "RELAX YOUR VAGINA RELAX, COME ON, SCOOT DOWN, SCOOT DOWN, RELAX YOUR VAGINA." WHY ? MY VAGINA'S NOT STUPID. YOU'RE ABOUT TO SHOVE MEAN , COLD DUCK LIPS UP INSIDE IT ! . IT'S JUST HORRIBLE FIRST THING, THE ROOM IS ALWAYS VERY COLD. YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SITTING THERE, . SPREADING YOUR LEGS, IT'S JUST HORRIBLE WHAT THEY CALL A SPECULUM, OR WHATEVER THAT THING IS ? I CAN'T STAND IT, EVEN WHEN THAT LITTLE BRUSH THING FOR THE PA P SMEAR GOES IN THERE, . IT MAKES ME CRINGE AND THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, DOES THIS HURT WHEN I SQUEEZE HERE ?" WELL, YEAH. YOU'RE SQUEEZING MY VAGINA, IT'S NOT A COMFORTABLE FEELING. WHY CAN'T THEY FIND SOME NICE, DELICIOUS PURPLE VELVET AND WRAP IT AROUND ME, , LAY ME DOWN IN SOM E FEATHERY COTTON SPREAD PUT ON SOME FRIENDLY PINK OR BLUE GLOVES, AND REST MY FEET IN SOME FUR-COVERED STIRRUPS ? WARM UP THE DUCK LIPS ! WORK WITH MY VAGINA ! ! BUT NO, MORE TORTURES DRY WAD OF FUCKING COTTON, , COLD DUCK LIPS THONG UNDERWEAR ! . THAT SHIT IS THE WORST IT IS THE WORST. IT MOVES AROUN D ALL THE TIME. IT GETS STUCK IN THE BACK OF YOUR VAGINA, REAL CRUSTY BUTT. THE VAGINA IS SUPPOSED TO BE LOOSE AND WIDE, NOT HELD TOGETHER. THAT'S WHY GIRDLES ARE SO BAD. E WE NEED TO MOV AND SPREAD AND TALK. VAGINAS NEED TO TALK. WHY DON'T THEY MAK E SOMETHING COMFORTABLE, ? SOMETHING TO GIVE THEM PLEASURE . OF COURSE THEY WON'T DO THAT THEY HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE TO SEE A WOMAN HAVING PLEASURE. PARTICULARLY SEXUAL PLEASURE. I SAY, MAKE A NICE PAI R OF WHITE COTTON UNDERPANTS WITH A FRENCH TICKLER BUILT IN. THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. WOMEN WOULD BE COMING ALL DAY. COMING IN THE SUPERMARKETS. "GIVE ME THE JUICE." THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO STAND IT. SEEING ALL THESE ENERGIZED, NOT-TAKING-SHIT, HOT, HAPPY VAGINAS COMING DOWN THE STREET. IF MY VAGINA COULD TALK... IT WOULD TALK ABOU T ITSELF LIKE ME. . IT WOULD TALK ABOU T OTHER FABULOUS VAGINAS IT WOULD DO VAGINA IMPRESSIONS.

IT WOULD WEAR HARRY WINSTON DIAMONDS, NO CLOTHING. JUST THERE, ALL DRAPED IN THE DIAMONDS. MY VAGINA HELPED RELEASE A GIANT BABY. IT THOUGHT IT WOULD BE DOING MORE OF THAT. IT'S NOT. NOW IT WANTS TO TRAVEL. IT DOES NOT WANT A LOT OF COMPANY. IT WANTS TO READ AND KNOW THINGS AND GET OUT MORE. IT WANTS SEX. IT LOVES SEX. IT WANTS TO GO DEEPER. IT'S HUNGRY FOR DEPTH. IT WANTS KINDNESS. IT WANTS CHANGE. IT WANTS SILENCE AND FREEDOM AND GENTLE KISSES AND WARM LIQUIDS AND DEEP TOUCH. . IT WANTS CHOCOLATE . IT WANTS TO SCREAM IT WANTS TO STOP BEING ANGRY ! IT WANTS TO COME. IT WANTS TO WANT. IT WANTS. MY VAGINA, IT WANTS, IT WANTS EVERYTHING. ( applause ) ( Ensler ) I INTERVIEWED A WHOLE GROUP OF SEX WORKERS, AND OBVIOUSLY WOMEN WHO DO SEX WORK HAVE RICH, COMPELLING, COMPLEX RELATIONSHIPS WITH THEIR VAGINAS. THIS PARTICULAR WOMAN BLEW MY MIND. SHE WAS A SEX WORKER, BUT SHE ONLY DID SEX WORK WITH WOMEN. YOU KNOW WHEN YOU GO OUT WITH SOMEONE AND YOU THINK THEY'RE IN THE SAME ZONE AS YOU AND FIVE MINUTES INTO THE CONVERSATION YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD !" THAT'S WHAT IT WAS LIKE WITH THIS WOMAN. YOU KNOW, YOU TRY TO BE HIP. "RIGHT, RIGHT." MEANWHILE YOUR HEAD'S BEING BLOWN OFF, YOU JUST HOPE YOUR SCARF WILL CONCEAL IT. I WROTE THIS FOR HER. . I LOVE VAGINAS I LOVE WOMEN. I DO NOT SEE THEM AS SEPARATE THINGS. WOMEN PAY ME TO DOMINATE THEM, TO EXCITE THEM, TO MAKE THEM COME. I DID NOT START OUT LIKE THIS. NO, TO THE CONTRARY... I STARTED OUT AS A LAWYER. , BUT IN MY LATE 30s I BECAME OBSESSED WITH MAKING WOMEN HAPPY. IT BEGAN AS A MISSION OF SORTS, BUT THEN I GOT INVOLVED IN IT. I GOT VERY GOOD AT IT, KIND OF BRILLIANT.

YOU COULD SAY I FOUND MY CALLING. I STARTED GETTING PAID FOR IT. . I WORE OUTRAGEOUS OUTFITS WHEN I DOMINATED WOMEN LACE, SILK, LEATHER. I USED PROPS... WHIPS, ROPES, HANDCUFFS, DILDOS. THERE WAS NOTHING LIKE THIS IN TAX LAW. THERE WAS NO PROPS , NO EXCITEMENT, AND I HATED THOSE BLUE CORPORATE SUITS, ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I WEAR THEM NOW IN MY NEW LINE OF WORK, . AND THEY FIT IN NICELY CONTEXT IS EVERYTHING. THERE WAS NO WETNESS. THERE WAS NO DARK, MYSTERIOUS FOREPLAY. NO ERECT NIPPLES. NO DELICIOUS MOUTHS, BUT MAINLY THERE WAS NO MOANING. NOT THE KIND I'M TALKING ABOUT ANYWAY. I SEE NOW THAT MOANING WAS THE KEY. IT WAS THE THING THAT ULTIMATELY SEDUCED ME AND GOT ME ADDICTED TO MAKING WOMEN HAPPY. I MADE LOVE TO QUIET WOMEN, OKAY ? I FOUND A PLAC E INSIDE THEM, THEY SHOCKED THEMSELVES IN THEIR MOANING. I MADE LOVE TO MOANERS AND THEY FOUND A DEEPER, MORE PENETRATING MOAN. I BECAME OBSESSED, I LONGED TO BE IN CHARGE, LIKE A BANDLEADER OR A CONDUCTOR. , IT WAS A KIND OF SURGERY, A KIND OF DELICATE SCIENCE FINDING THE EXACT LOCATION OR HOME OF THE MOAN. THAT'S WHAT I CALLED IT. SOMETIMES I FOUND IT OVER A WOMAN'S JEANS. SOMETIMES I SNUCK UP ON IT, OFF THE RECORD, QUIETLY DISARMING THE SURROUNDING ALARMS AND MOVING IN. , SOMETIMES I USED FORCE BUT NOT VIOLENT, OPPRESSING FORCE, NO. MORE LIKE DOMINATING, "I'M GONNA TAKE YOU SOMEPLACE, WHY DON'T YOU LAY BACK, ENJOY THE RIDE" KIND OF FORCE. SOMETIMES IT WAS SIMPLY MUNDANE. I FOUND THE MOAN BEFORE THINGS EVEN STARTED, WHILE WE WERE EATING CHICKEN OR SALAD IN THE KITCHEN, RIGHT THERE, WITH MY FINGERS ALL MIXED IN WITH THE BALSAMIC VINEGAR. SOMETIMES I USED PROPS, I LOVE PROPS. SOMETIMES I MADE THE WOMAN FIND HER OWN MOAN . IN FRONT OF ME I WAITED. I STUCK IT OUT UNTIL SHE OPENED HERSELF. I WAS NOT FOOLED BY THOSE MINOR, MORE OBVIOUS MOANS. NO... I PUSHED HER FURTHER,

ALL THE WAY INTO HER POWER MOAN. NOW... THERE'S THE CLIT MOAN. EH, EH, EH... THE VAGINAL MOAN. OH, OH, OH... THE COMBO CLIT-VAGINAL MOAN. EH-OH, EH-OH, EH-OH... THE ALMOST MOAN. . THE ON-IT MOAN OH... OH... THE ELEGANT MOAN. ( laughing ) THE GRACE SLICK MOAN. ( high-pitched moan ) THE WASP MOAN. ( no sound ) THE SEMI-RELIGIOUS MOAN. OY, OY, OY... THE MOUNTAINTOP MOAN. ( yodeling ) THE BABY MOAN. OH-AH, OH-AH, OH-AH... . THE DOGGY MOAN ( fast panting ) THE SOUTHERN MOAN. YEA, YEA, YEA ! THE MILITANT, UNINHIBITED BISEXUAL MOAN. HO, HO, HO, HO ! THE MACHINE-GUN MOAN. ( machine-gun sounds ) THE TORTURED ZEN MOAN. AH, OH, AH... THE DIVA MOAN. ! AHHHHHH ! AHHHHHH AND FINALLY, THE SURPRISE TRIPLE-ORGASM MOAN. OH, GOD, THAT'S REALLY GOOD, DON'T STOP. THAT'S, OH, THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT-OH, THAT'S IT. OH, MY GOD, OH, THAT'S REALLY GOOD, OH, THAT'S, OH MY GOD ! AHH... ! ( continuous moaning ) EEE-AHHHH... ! ( applause ) WHOO ! ? CAN YOU BELIEVE WE'RE DOING THIS ON HBO . ORGASMS ON HBO , I'M SO EXCITED I'VE BEEN COLLECTING VAGINA FACT S FOR QUITE SOME TIME, AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I'VE BEEN HARD-PRESSED TO FIND A HAPPY VAGINA FACT. I FOUND THIS ONE AND NOW I THINK I LIVE TO TELL IT. THE CLITORIS I S PURE IN PURPOSE. Y IT IS THE ONLY ORGAN I N THE MALE OR FEMALE BOD DESIGNED SOLELY FOR PLEASURE. THE CLITORIS IS SIMPLY A BUNDLE OF NERVES,

8,000 NERVE FIBERS , TO BE PRECISE. THAT IS A HIGHER CONCENTRATION OF NERVE FIBERS THAN IS FOUND ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE BODY, INCLUDING THE FINGERTIPS, LIPS, AND TONGUE. AND IT IS TWICE... TWICE... TWICE... THE NUMBER IN THE PENIS. ( cheering and applause ) DO YOU WAN T TO GO FIRST ? YOU GO FIRST, LET'S SEE. UH, YOU GO FIRST. YOU GO FIRST. OKAY, FIRST I FEEL IT IN MY HEAD. BEFORE I FEEL IT ANYWHERE ELSE. I DO, I FEEL IT LIKE RIGHT HERE IN MY HEAD. AND THEN IT LIKE TRAVELS DOWN, AND IT'S THE MOST INCREDIBLE SENSATION. I SCREAM AND I YELL, AND I SAY, YOU KNOW... "MORE, IT'S GOOD." , I HAVE TO SQUEEZE ALL MY MUSCLES PRETTY MUCH, IT'S LIKE EVERY SINGLE MUSCLE IN MY BODY. YEAH, I START BREATHING HEAVIER, AND HONESTLY, YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO EXPLODE. IT'S LIKE... YOU KIND OF LOSE YOUR MIND FOR A LITTLE BIT, YOU JUST KIND OF GO CRAZY. IT'S SORT OF AN ERUPTIVE STATE, IT'S A RISING, IGNITED STATE. IT CAN BE KIND OF A BOOM, OR IT CAN BE SOFT. AH, AH ! IT'S JUST LIKE, WHEW. YES ! OH, OH ! I'D BEEN PERFORMIN G THIS PIECE FOR QUITE SOME TIME, AND I DIDN'T HAVE ONE MONOLOGUE IN IT ABOUT BIRTH, WHICH WAS A BIZARRE OMISSION, ALTHOUGH RECENTLY I WAS INTERVIEWED BY A MALE JOURNALIST, AND HE SAID, "REALLY, WHAT'S THE CONNECTION ?" ( laughing ) MY HUSBAND WAS THERE, AND THE DOCTOR WAS THERE, AND THE NURSE, AND MY SISTER, AND THEY WERE HOLDING MY LEGS AND TELLING ME TO PUSH... , WHEN THEY SAID "OH, WE CAN SEE TH E HEAD, ONE BIG PUSH AND YOU COULD PUSH THAT BABY OUT," AND THERE'S THIS SORT OF BONE CRACKING, YOU KNOW, STRETCHY SOUND. I FELT THIS VERY STRANGE SENSATION OF LIKE SOMETHING SWIMMING THROUGH MY BODY. AND I REALIZED, OH, MY GOD, HE'S COMING OUT, HE'S COMING OUT. SO, I JUST KEPT PUSHING HARDER. AND THEN FINALLY THERE HE WAS, UPSIDE DOWN, HANGING BY HIS LEGS, AND HE WAS OKAY.

IT'S SO, I CAN'T WAIT 'TIL YOU EXPERIENCE IT. I KNOW YOU CAN'T. I CANNOT WAIT. IT'S SO WONDERFUL. I CAN'T WAIT. IT'S JUST... IT'S THE BEST THING EVER. OVER THE COURSE OF WRITING THE MONOLOGUES, MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW GOT PREGNANT, AND SHE AND MY SON INVITED ME TO BE THERE FOR THE BIRTH OF MY GRANDDAUGHTER. AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU, IF I WAS IN AWE OF VAGINAS BEFORE THIS MOMENT, I'M IN DEEP WORSHIP NOW. I WROTE THIS FOR MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, SHIVA, AND MY GRANDDAUGHTER COCO. I WAS THERE . WHEN HER VAGINA OPENED WE WERE ALL THERE... HER MOTHER, HER HUSBAND AND I, AND THE NURSE FROM THE UKRAINE WITH HER WHOLE HAND UP THERE, IN HER VAGINA, FEELING AND TURNIN G WITH HER RUBBER GLOVE, , AS SHE TALKED CASUALLY TO US . LIKE SHE WAS TURNING ON A LOADED FAUCET I WAS THERE IN THE ROO M WHEN THE CONTRACTIONS MADE HER CRAWL ON ALL FOURS, MADE UNFAMILIAR MOANS LEAK OUT OF HER PORES. AND STILL THERE, AFTER HOURS, WHEN SHE JUST SCREAMED, SUDDENLY WILD, HER ARMS STRIKING AT THE ELECTRIC AIR. I WAS THERE WHEN HER VAGINA CHANGED... FROM A SHY, SEXUAL HOLE TO AN ARCHAEOLOGICAL TUNNEL, A SACRED VESSEL, A VENETIAN CANAL, A DEEP WELL WITH A TIN Y STUCK CHILD INSIDE, WAITING TO BE RESCUED. I SAW THE COLORS OF HER VAGINA. THEY CHANGED. SAW THE BRUISED BROKEN BLUE, THE BLISTERING TOMATO RED, THE GRAY-PINK, THE DARK, SAW THE BLOOD-LIKE PERSPIRATION ALONG THE EDGES, SAW THE YELLOW, WHITE LIQUID, THE SHIT, THE CLOTS PUSHING OUT ALL THE HOLES, PUSHING HARDER AND HARDER, SAW THROUGH THE HOLE, THE BABY'S HEAD. SCRATCHES OF BLACK HAIR, SAW IT JUST THERE, BEHIND THE BONE. LIKE A HARD, ROUND MEMORY, AS THE NURSE FROM THE UKRAINE KEPT TURNING AND TURNING HER SLIPPERY HAND. I WAS THERE WHEN EACH OF US, HER MOTHER AND I,

HELD A LEG AND SPREAD HER WIDE, PUSHING WITH ALL OUR STRENGTH AGAINST HER PUSHING, AS HER HUSBAND STERNLY COUNTING, "ONE, TWO, THREE," TELLING HER, "FOCUS, FOCUS HARDER." WE LOOKED INTO HER THEN. WE COULDN'T GET OUR EYES OUT OF THAT PLACE. WE FORGET THE VAGINA, ALL OF US. WHAT ELSE WOULD EXPLAIN OUR LACK OF AWE, OUR LACK OF REVERENCE ? I WAS THERE WHEN THE DOCTOR REACHED IN WITH ALICE IN WONDERLAND SPOONS AND THERE AS HER VAGINA BECAME A WIDE, OPERATIC MOUTH SINGING WITH ALL ITS STRENGTH, FIRST THE LITTLE HEAD, . THEN THE GRAY FLOPPING ARM.. THEN THE FAST, SWIMMING BODY, SWIMMING QUICKLY INTO OUR WEEPING ARMS. I WAS THERE LATER , WHEN I JUST TURNED I TURNED AND I FACED HER VAGINA. I STOOD AND I LET MYSELF SEE HER, ALL SPREAD, COMPLETELY EXPOSED, MUTILATED, SWOLLEN, TORN, BLEEDING ALL OVER THE DOCTOR'S HANDS, WHO WAS CALMLY SEWING HER THERE. I STOOD... AND AS I STARED, HER VAGINA SUDDENLY BECAME A WIDE, RED, PULSING HEART. THE HEART IS CAPABLE OF SACRIFICE. SO IS THE VAGINA. . THE HEART IS ABLE TO FORGIVE AND REPAIR . IT CAN CHANGE ITS SHAPE TO LET US IN IT CAN EXPAND TO LET US OUT. SO CAN THE VAGINA. IT CAN ACHE FOR US AND STRETCH FOR US, AND DIE FOR US. AND BLEED AND BLEED US INTO THIS DIFFICULT... WONDROUS WORLD. SO CAN THE VAGINA. I WAS THERE IN THE ROOM. I REMEMBER. ( applause ) ( cheering ) WELL, I DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO SHOW VAGINAS... IN THIS MOVIE. I KIND OF RESISTED IT, BUT HBO, REALLY WOULDN'T BE AN HBO MOVIE, WITHOUT SHOWING A VAGINA. SO, HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO. OKAY, WE'RE DONE.

Donated by SergeiK