Open Speech Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Dave, I feel like Im slightly on trial today, because Rob said

that if I do a good job here, I can be best man at his next wedding as well.
I am the best man so in time-honoured tradition, I will now do my best to give Rob the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Jades life will be coming later on this evening............... courtesy of Rob When Rob asked me to be his best man, I jumped at the chance. Since I've been living with my girlfriend (Sharon) for over a year now, giving this speech is a rare opportunity to hear the sound of my own voice over a period longer than five seconds.
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Now it is said that being asked to be the Best Man is like being asked to make love to the Queen - it's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it. Robs approach to asking me to be his best man was quite unique. We were out as group of us and, after a few drinks, Rob swayed over to me in the kebab shop in St Ives belched a couple of times, put his arm around my shoulder and said, 'Well Dave, I'm getting married next year, and I guess I've got to ruin someone's day, so it might as well be yours.' I thought that was very touching,...

Explain who I am It was through the mutual love of pubs that Rob and I became friends some 18 years ago, I was in the Army and Rob the Navy which is where the banter started. We've always considered ourselves fortunate to have grown up in St Ives, a town which we thought had more pubs per square mile than anywhere in England. But I can tell you that we haven't been in all of them. The problem, though, is that we can never remember which ones we have been in.

Rob chose me as his best man because after all the lurid, depraved and immoral things he got up to in his early 20s he was eager to appoint someone with tact, rather than someone who would tell the truth, although I was slightly concerned that last week Rob did give me a list of Dos and Donts for this speech, which is worrying as by tradition this is supposed to be the Brides job.. I have not heard a peek so Jade must be eager to hear about his past. Weve had many nights out over the years and there are a number of humiliating stories I could recite, but now is not the time. Suffice to say, Ive never discovered the magic ingredient that makes him collapse after 3 pints.

It's traditional for the best man to abuse the groom and mention the number of ex-girlfriends the groom has had, but I don't want to get into all that. Frankly, I find such macho male posturing vulgar and offensive to the bride. But, suffice to say Rob, 72 turned out to be your lucky number. Sitting down to write this speech was a daunting task. Where to begin? I've known Rob for a few years now, although my liver swears it's 50. We've had more good times than I can remember, and we'd have had a few more if we hadn't run out of money in that strip club on the stag night

Set the tone During my research - and yes, believe it or not, this was researched - I looked into the three key elements of a wedding day: first, the aisle, the longest walk you'll ever take; second, the altar, the place where two become one; and third, the hymns, to celebrate the marriage. I can imagine Rob overheard Jade during the early days of the engagement practising and whispering 'aisle, altar, hymn; I'll, alter, him' which made Rob decide marriage in Canada would be more appropriate where none of the above would actually take place...

Continuing on with this research, I decided to learn from the great public speakers of history but I found Stalin, Hitler and Castro a bit thin on one-liners about the groom The stag do was a cracking weekend away in Edinburgh and I would like to thank all those who attended, Seeing Rob dressed in a wet suit as a muff diver courtesy of Mike Hunt was exceptional.... the rules and regulations for the weekend paved the way (especially the peg game) as by mid day all vodka jellies and bottles of sprits where gone and we still had 5 hours to endure on the bus to Edinburgh... I am still not sure to this day if it was to do with the high morale of the stag weekend or the mad Hungarian bus drivers poor use of the road that made us drink so much...
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Lucky this stag weekend was one where rob did not actually wet the bed (we were in bunk beds and rob had the top bunk) and we all made it home safe and sound... This stag weekend passed harmlessly by without incident well, except for one moment of madness with a Shetland pony, which Rob swears blind he was only trying to push through the fence Insight into their relationship Now that you have tied the knot, I'd like you to remember that there are three types of sex in a marriage all-over-the-house sex, bedroom sex and hallway sex. All-over-the-house sex occurs in the first year or so of marriage. It's when you'll do it anytime, anywhere, in any position for any reason.
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Bedroom sex develops later, and is when you have sex on a Saturday night in the bedroom (if you're lucky). Hallway sex is in the later stages of a marriage. This is when you pass each other in the hallway and scream, screw you! Sincere tribute to groom All anecdotes aside, before I wrap things up, and against my better judgement, Id just like to say a few positive things about Rob. I can honestly say he is a top bloke. Hes easy going, fun-loving and great to be around. Hes driven, enthusiastic, positive and always wants to enjoy life to the full. Ive known him for 18 years and have had many, many great times together so I would just like to say a big thank you.
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Final toast There are obviously two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. And the great thing is that as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them. So please join me in a very special toast to the bar staff! Genuinely I would now like to wish the bride and groom all the very best from everyone here. So look after yourselves and, more importantly now, look after each other. Please raise your glasses to the Bride and Groom.

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