Erby-Diddul Aerpwane Skoo

Mar. 28, 2012 issue 34 Volume 275

CELEBRATING TWO-HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS OF MAKING STUFF UP

GOP CANDIDATES DROP OUT, MAKE ROOM FOR REAGANS corPSE

Level 6 Political Wizard

SE AL
BRAD CLANCY

Prescott, Arizona since 1737 First Copy $.10 second Copy $10e6

In what has been described by analysts to be the underdog story to end all underdog stories, the Republican primary candidate that has received the most delegates by far (with a whopping 2,000) is the body of the deceased former President Ronald Reagan. Having now forced Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich out of the race, Reagans body will now have to focus on drawing support from the stubborn Ron Paul, since any loss of support from conservatives could mean Reagans loss to President Obama. In what began as a very small group near Reagans tomb and Presidential Library in Simi Valley, Calif., the movement to honor his memory lives on in the surge of conservative support to make his body the new President.

The Supreme Court attempted to intervene on Mar. 15 by noting that Reagan had already served two terms. Protestors responded that this was not Reagan himself, but Reagans body, as his soul (which is the real person) has passed on. When the Supreme Court was unsympathetic to these points, the protests turned ugly, and riots broke out which nearly burned the nations capital to the ground. This doom was prevented however by a timely call from the bodys spokespeople, who urged the crowds to pacify and disperse. They did, but not before the Supreme Court decided to reverse their decision for their own health. Because of former President Reagans fantastic popularity in the Republican Party, even though primaries had already been voted in, all those results were declared null and the primaries were done over, allowing the body to deci-

mate his opposition. The modern candidates experienced firsthand what it was like to stare down a body that had fought the Cold War and won, and simply could not take the heat of the competition. When asked about what the body plans to do about Illegal Immigration, the spokespeople replied, true to Reagans form Sr. Calderon, build up this wall! And when confronted about the possibility of war with Iran, the body seems enthusiastic to face up against the enemies who quit before he had a swing at them in his former life. The body is currently back in its place of residence, the Presidential Library of Ronald Reagan in Simi Valley, resting for its final campaign push after formally receiving the nomination. Its spokespeople, bearing the bodys images, are still tirelessly campaigning all over America, hoping to remind peosee REAGAN page A6

Gambling Addiction Plagues ERAU

Poker club saw a dramatic increase in membership, and a sudden increase in the size of buy-ins and bets. Once faculty recognized this change in the club, it was immediately disbanded. Students, however, did not react kindly to this action and took matters into their own hands. Groups began forming underground gambling clubs on campus and using the residence halls as meeting places. Soon, security was notified of this breach in housing contracts and came searching rooms for those hosting such events. At this point, the students had to move their meetings off campus, which made their problems even worse. Soon, ERAU students traveled to the local casinos to get their fix and when finance became an issue, some began using tuition money and school loans towards their addiction. In the aftermath of Casino Night, ERAU expects to see a 75 percent decrease in students next semester due to the financial crisis of the currently enrolled. This unfortunate turn will leave many students with large amounts of debt that could take decades, or even a lifetime, to repay. Though this is a tragedy, the remaining few students will have an easier time finding jobs because of this decrease in the number of graduating ERAU Students.

Beard Commits Triple Homicide

BRAD CLANCY
Level 11 Gumshoe

Turd Ferguson / Horizons Gambling addiction is making people sad, people like this lady. See how sad she is? KYLE KLOUDA

Rhymes with Chowda

In wake of the Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University Casino Night, the universitys Prescott campus has been stricken with an outbreak of gambling addiction. The event, meant to be an innocent night of fun for students, has taken a dark turn, even threatening the future of many students. Casino Night was organized by the Board of Campus Activities and consisted of a few classical casino games such as black jack, poker

and roulette, as well as video games like Dance Dance Revolution and Guitar Hero. Students were given fake money upon arrival and could gamble with this money to eventually buy raffle tickets for prizes. Casino Night was a major success except for one minor issue; many of the students had never played or even been allowed to play such games before. The chance of winning prizes sparked interest is some; an interest that lasted past the end of the night. For many students, this night was the beginning of a life of gambling addiction. After Casino Night, the ERAU

In what can only be described as the most brutal shooting event in the history of the Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University Prescott campus, two students and one professor were slaughtered outside of class on Tuesday, Mar. 27. Seemingly angry at the press, Dr. Thomas Gallys beard gunned down Dr. Alan Malnar, Faculty Advisor of Horizons Newspaper, Brad Clancy, Senior News Correpondent, and Austin Troya, Graphics and Features editor. Malnar was killed instantly, but the students managed to linger on for a few hours, and because of their dedication to providing the news and warning the campus, the following is a firsthand account of the event, written by Clancy moments before his death. A few Electrical Engineering students had just left Fundamentals of Heat Transfer, taught by Dr. Gally, early that morning. We had no idea of the horror to come. Austin

Galley pic here

Artist Rendition by Austin Troya of what Dr. Gally is believed to look like without a beard.

and I bumped into Dr. Malnar, and we exchanged hellos, when we heard a scream from inside the classroom. We turned, and we saw Dr. Gallys beard, the most respected facial hair on campus, striding toward us with a handgun. We tried to run, but the beard fired at us all, hitting Dr. Malnar in the back of the neck and shooting both Austin and myself sev-

eral times in the torso. Our only guess at this sudden outburst of violence is that the beard had grown tired of the fact that it was not allowed to advertise in the paper for free. We had angered the beard that everyone revered, and now everyone feared. Students were madly dashing about, running for cover, as the beard continued its rampage. Thankfully, no one else was hurt before the
see RAMPAGE page A6

Campus News
Plane Puts Down Gear, Lands Safely..........................P4 Event Happens, Causes Major Change.......................P6 Moritz Seebode, Never Forget.....................................P9

Campus Jews 2.0

Alex Fahrenbruch.......................................................P3 Noah Daneman...........................................................P7 Jeremy Jackson........................................................P11

FAlse Horizons

MAr. 28, 2012

Carbon Fiber Termites Destroy Flightlines Diamond Fleet

MITCH MCKENZIE
The Maybe Later Aviator

On the morning of Mar. 21, an Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University student walked out to preflight his diamond aircraft and was struck by confusion. Sitting in front of him was the entire diamond fleet with nothing left on the planes except the spars and ribs. The carbon fiber of the aircraft had completely disintegrated. Nothing was left except a few crumbs of carbon fiber blowing around in the wind amongst the remains of the aircraft, which looked like skeletons. There was no explanation until one of the students working as a dispatcher spoke up. Following is a literal transcript of the safety report: It was the weirdest thing I have ever seen. There was a swarm of insects at about 0630 this morning, a large swarm, possibly millions. They seemed to fall from the sky and headed directly for our diamond fleet. They surrounded the fleet and the aircraft seemed to disappear. I couldnt see anything except the swarm. About 30 seconds later they flew back into the sky and left nothing on the aircraft except the G-1000

and a few spars and ribs. Later that day the GSIS forensics club arrived at the scene. They taped off the aircraft and went to work. After much investigation, the GSIS students managed to find one of the insects, dead, lying underneath Riddle 90 (or what was left of it). They took it back to the lab on campus and commenced testing. They found that this insect had been created by humans; it was a carbon fiber termite. Who? What? When? Where? And Why? Who would do this to the ERAU Diamond Fleet? Another report came from the Prescott tower the following day. I cleared one of North Airs Cessna 182s for landing on runway 30 at approximately 0628 on Mar. 21. It seemed as though they were going to make a nice landing but then decided to go around. I then saw them opening the door at about 100 AGL over the Embry-Riddle fleet. The pilot then got on the radio and said, Hey! Tower whats that over there!? Someone is taking a dump on 21L! I quickly looked over with my binoculars but saw nothing. I then turned around to locate the North Air Cessna, but they had disappeared! They vanished, like a ghost.

Whos asking? / Horizons The relatively new, now decimated Diamond fleet poses a costly problem for Embry-Riddle.

Once Jared Testa received this report, he knew exactly what North Air had done. He stormed over to the North Air front desk and demanded 69,696,696,696.69 dollars to replace the brand new Di-

amond fleet. North Air refused and said they had no idea what he was talking about. They simply told him, There is no such thing as carbon fiber termites, get a life. They then offered him a

few real flight lessons. He almost took up the offer but then remembered that he worked at ERAU. The incident is still under investigation. The GSIS students along with Testa will be investigating

the North Air hangar to see if they truly devised carbon fiber termites to destroy the Diamond fleet. Until then, tensions are increased further between ERAU and North Air.

Plagiarism, Intellectual Property Rights Infringement, MURDER? Well, no, not murder, but sometimes that other stuff happens.
The Honorable

Newspaper Feud 2012

BRANDON LEADBETTER

GSIS Suprise
Continued from page 4
some information. Apparently, the security system was set up by a mixed group of GSIS and Electrical Engineer students as a senior project. The nuke was real, and was given to the school for safekeeping. The students who had set up the security system had meant for the project to be finished by the next senior class, which never happened. The security system was old and not in the best condition. It seemed that there were more to be added, but not enough time. An A was given to the project, and the system was promptly forgotten about. It seemed that the last people to see it were students of the ERAU Prescott campus, but it seems odd that no one but that class knows about it. After all, a professor had to give the A. Sadly, the agent could not find the name of the professor that gave these rather interesting students their desired A. But as the agent left the room, making sure to close the door and rearm the lasers, she heard footsteps leading away from the janitors closet.

The word is spreading that Horizons sister paper, The Avion, has decided to sue your EmbryRiddle Aeronautical University Prescott newspaper. The accusation is that Horizons editors have been taking so-called articles from The Avion and publishing them under different titles and giving credit to its own writers. This is preposterous, most of the time. What people on either campus dont realize is that Horizons and The Avion once had a great relationship where both schools would send press releases of the best of what ERAU has to offer. Then things started to get rocky. The relationship was onand-off-again as editors-in-chief came and went, but then something happened. The Avion started to send repeat stories making the layout editors at Horizons start to question what was really going on. They started to wonder if the Daytona Campus even did anything besides go to the beach. This is what stopped the sharing of ideas between the two papers, but as new staff members were brought in, things started to change and new bridges were built to try and close the gap between the campuses. Then the lawsuit came down, the very next day. It was already said that The Avion is suing Horizons newspaper for plagiarism. It cannot be called plagiarism

when you rewrite the entire article to make it better, or when names are credited wrong and story ideas of the top ten surf sites in Florida do not encourage good publicity especially in Arizona. This article is not to bring to light the complete and only partially true allegation that The Avion has brought forth, but it is to raise awareness and support for your local newspaper. There are collection jars around the Prescott campus to raise funds to combat this lawsuit. So far, Horizons has raised a grand total of $13.66 for our lawyer fund, the SGA turned us down for their free council advice. They have some grudge against Horizons after thwarting Clancy Delforges marshal law decree last spring. The two papers representing ERAU should not be fighting, but bolstering our schools reputation. To try and make peace, Horizons sent The Avion a priceless rock from Sedona as a sign of friendship. They did not respond in the same manner. The Horizons Sports Editor happened to open a package from The Avion containing an alligator wrapped in paper. It was not dead, and rather hungry. Our editor should be released from the hospital next week. The Avion is pushing its allegation of plagiarism and Horizons is preparing to go all the way to the Supreme Court. Horizons will stand by what it has done to make ERAU stand apart from the incoherent ramblings of The Avion. This is a fight that will echo in the

years to come as the precedence will be set that only one newspaper can represent ERAU. The Avion will crash and burn like the poorly serviced rust bucket it is, but Horizons will light the way ahead.

GREEKS

WE SUPPORT AUTISM!!!

(awareness?)

MAr. 28 2012

FAlse Horizons

Flight Department to Purchase New Firebolt 9000 Broomsticks

ALLISON READ
Beep, beep, beeeep

The Cessna fleet that Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University now sports is only a few years old and the G1000 system is one of the most advanced tracking systems available on the market. Still, the university has been considering the purchase of new aircraft to teach its students. There are a few advantages to the proposed aircraft including the amount of fuel consumption as well as the lessened degree of maintenance required. Additionally, it is impossible to overspeed the prop on this aircraft, considering that it doesnt even have one, an aspect of which the safety department is exceptionally fond. Thats right: the ERAU flight department has recently announced that they are in the final stages of purchasing a new fleet of Firebolt 9000s from Quality Quidditch Supplies. There are a few aspects that are holding up the deal at the moment. Not surprisingly, the FAA has expressed concern about the landing system of the Firebolt 9000s, considering that the pilots legs serve as this component this complaint is legitimate, a first among complaints

from the FAA. The instructors of ERAU have expressed concerns as well, particularly regarding their location during instruction as Firebolt 9000s are single pilot aircraft. Quality Quidditch Supplies is willing to work with ERAU instructors in designing a new trainer version of the Firebolt 9000. However, this may inflate the prices of the new fleet. To add complications to the pending deal, the materials required to build the Firebolt 9000 are only available on a seasonal basis, limiting the amount of models that are created in a single production run. While this may pose a problem in the acquisition of the new aircraft, ERAU is confident that they will be able to acquire the aircraft in a timely manner. Many of the ERAU flight students have expressed anticipation towards the Firebolt 9000s despite the uncertainty of the new check ride requirements. It should come as no surprise that the changes in aircraft must also come with a change in regulations. In fact, the current regulations regarding the use of broomsticks for training purposes are quite occluded, posing a small problem with the new check ride requirements. There are definitely advantages to purchasing the Firebolt

Brenton Firetruck / Horizons Due to lack of a GPS system installed on the Firebolts, all navigation must be done via paper maps.

9000s, including zero fuel usage, higher speeds and a more integrated steering system. Since the Firebolt 9000 uses no fuel, costs will decrease for the flight training program. Students have reported that they are pleased with

the decreased amount of money needed to complete their training. There has been no word on the state of the instructors salary. The new fleet will also be able to cruise at much higher speeds. They are rated for accelerating

from 0 to 150 miles per hour in 10 seconds. Flying in the Cessna requires many knobs, levers, and a yoke, unlike the Firebolt 9000, which only needs the pilot to think about what the aircraft needs to do.

The new fleet should arrive in approximately five months. No announcement has been made as to which ERAU students will have the privilege of flying the Firebolt 9000s first.

Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea Rejects Chartwells Offer for Free Food
Chief Sewage Inspector

ANONYMOUS

The great Democratic Republic of Korea is utterly offended by the offer of food by various public and private organizations. The latest to feel the wrath of North Koreas rejection is none other than Chartwells Dining Services. Like that girl in Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University that all the guys want to get with but keeps getting rejected, North Korea has been rejecting all the aid that countries and organizations have been giving to it. Furthermore,

sometimes they do accept aid but refuse to admit to it. A ship with Chartwells staff and food steamed into an undisclosed harbor in North Korea where it was promptly turned away by several rowboats with men armed with RPGs and cloned AK-47 rifles. As the ship sailed off, there were reports of spears being thrown at the ship. An inside source from North Korea states that soldiers were forbidden from assaulting the ship with their actual weapons as it would have been costly for [the North Korean Special Forces] to fire such highly advanced weaponry. The source

also says that despite the poor quality of life in North Korea, many within the country have been brainwashed to despise foreign food. Chartwells did not comment on this incident. However, it has released a statement saying that one crew member suffered a concussion from falling off his watch post, apparently laughing at the show of force of the North Korean Navy. They all look so emaciated! I should have thrown a stick of salami in the water and watch them fight for it! he commented in his video blog after being released from the hospital. While such comments

are uncalled for and frowned upon, our inside source did confirm that though the citizenry might be brainwashed, they are still hungry. Chartwells insists that their food is not the reason that their ship was turned away, though there are those who would like to say otherwise. On another note, the informant that we have used to gather information has now been exiled from North Korea. This was that persons punishment for speaking with enemies of the state. He now lives in deplorable conditions in Prescott, Ariz. where he works for Horizons.

Pouring Waffle Batter

by The Simple Chef

Preparation: Spray waffle maker with PAM nonstick spray. Give it a good coat, but not too much. This is the tricky part: pour the batter. Again, just one spoonful. No, you dont need to use three spoonfuls and spread it all around the edge because guess what... your last two spoonfuls just spilled over Suggested Filling the edge and NONE OF IT stayed in the (combined or alone) waffle iron. Butter In case youre wondering, that one Maple Syrup spoonful doesnt have to be poured If you put Ketchup straight in the center, you can circle it on this, we might hunt around a little if youre so concerned with you down and slay you. filling in cracks. But seriously people, its not that difficult. Step 1) Pour the batter. Step 2) Eat. Is that too much to ask for? Ingredients:(serving size: about 1 waffle) 1 Spoonful waffle batter PAM Spray

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FAlse Horizons

MAr. 28, 2012

Sexy Women Receive Tuition Waivers

MITCH MCKENZIE
The Man

Student Missing!
trated the tight security and vigilance placed around campus. Security believes that this disappearance was an inside job by Valenzuela as a way to avoid the upcoming final presentation for his Detail Design project and the gauntlet of final exams all students are subject to. *** Letter to the Editor By: Rene Valenzuela, Special to Horizons Dear Embr y-Riddle Community, By this time you should have received word of my disappearance yesterday, but do not worry. News of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. I am alive and well, currently stuck in 1819 Mexico due to a slight complication with the time machine. I have however managed to eradicate Eulers works. Hopefully, the mail service will not lose this letter in the intervening 200 years. Repairs to the machine are progressing well and I should be back on campus on the Apr. 21 after a quick trip into the future. Travel plans call for a few more stops including one to pick up a hoverboard. Last stop will be to pick up a newspaper from Dec. 22, 2012. See you all in a couple of days; I cant miss graduation! *** Student Still Missing! By: John Doe, Correspondent It has been two weeks since the mysterious disappearance of Rene Valenzuela and the arrival of a very old letter reportedly from him. His supposed return date of the Apr. 21 has come and gone, and tomorrow will be Embry-Riddles graduation. We can only hope and pray for Renes return.

The Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University faculty recently came to a mutual agreement that more sexy women walking around our campus is a must. The fact is there are just too many guys with Star Wars T-shirts roaming around. Not that Star Wars is a bad franchise -- I personally love it -- but it tends to act as a repellent to hot women. Along with our pocket protectors and Magic cards (no thanks to the engineers), this school has become desperate in the pursuit of HOT women. As a result, all of the Deans have approved tuition waivers for hot women. When they send in their application they are required to send in three pictures. Picture number 1 will be of them in the skimpiest bathing suit they can find, picture number two will be of them in black spandex pants and a LOW cut shirt, and picture number three is at their own discretion. The pictures will be sent to SGA representatives, who will decide which ones are sexy enough to receive free tuition. This new proposal will go into effect in the Fall 2012 semester. So, if you are gradu-

ating this semester, slit your wrists now. Dont even wait until finals. I asked engineering student Jon Doe what his thoughts were on the topic, Holy smokin women Batman! Oh my goodness gracious! This is a great idea! Im going to bring my Magic cards and show them off to all these sexy ladies! I then smacked Doe across the face and burned his magic cards with a torch from the jet dragster building. I told him this type of behavior would not be tolerated when the

women arrive. That goes for the rest of you men! We need to shape up and be cool when these gorgeous ladies get here. Surprisingly, all faculty members are supportive of the idea. I guess they are tired of smelling male B.O. every time a student walks into their office. Some of the faculty were also thinking about creating special classes for these sexy women so that all can attend and enjoy. These include BBL 101 Bubble Baths, JLO 102

Jell-O Fights, MST 256 Massage Techniques (they need men to practice on), and CAT 302 Catwalk. All of these classes are open to male student observation. The only trouble is recruitment. In the words of Uncle Sam, I want YOU to spread the word to all HOT women! Spread the word fast because the deadline for application and picture submission is Aug. 1. Tell every hot girl you see about this free tuition opportunity. Here is our chance so act!

FLYNN TAGGART
The Doom Guy

Campus Safety Institutes Curfew and UAS Sweeps

BRAD CLANCY
Im Glad I Shaved

Already making use of the burgeoning Unmanned Aerial Systems programs at the EmbryRiddle Aeronautical University Prescott campus, Jim Sheridan, the New Director of Safety after the departure of Chief Boden, has announced that for the safety of all students he is going to institute a campus-wide curfew of 10 p.m. This curfew will be enforced with the support from UAS sweeps that will allow him to monitor campus. Anyone who

is in a campus building after 10 had better stay there, Sheridan warns, or else we may be forced to bring them in for questioning. I dont want people walking around that late. The announcement came late after riots at the otherwise peaceful Occupy Chartwells movement, and a brutal facial hair massacre. According to Sheridan, the curfews and flyovers will be part of a new initiative to secure the campus every night and look for undesirables, such as rogue beards or senior engineers who spend their whole lives in AC-1 and King Engineering because their Detail Design

projects demand sacrifice. Supporters of the new measure claim that this system will help ensure overall campus safety, and that Sheridan is a visionary for using the UAS sweeps to keep students safe. However, several students have become concerned about privacy issues related to these sweeps, along with not being able to have access to the 24-hour computer lab, which Sheridan said will still be open 24 hours a day. Protests have begun against the policies, and were tolerated on the first night, with the threat that garden hoses would be used the next night to break them

up, along with dry ice bombings from supporters in Cessnas flying low over campus. Protesters remain undaunted by these threats, insisting that students have a right to be on campus late at night and to not be observed by other students piloting UAS. Supporters are expected to launch a counter-protest, demanding that the opposition give up those rights for the greater safety of the campus. It is unclear which camp will win, but it is certain to be an interesting debate, which may end in more violence on the ERAU Prescott campus.

World renowned Airplane pornographer/cat collector/ moustache cultivator/BS student Rene O. Valenzuela Jr. has mysteriously disappeared while trying to convince incredulous students about the possibility of time travel. Valenzuela was last seen conducting a very in-depth Powerpoint presentation in the King Engineering building of the Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University Prescott campus on Apr. 19, 2012, wearing a dark-colored polo, khakis and an ERAU hoodie. According to eyewitnesses, a green smoke enveloped the building. When the smoke cleared, Valenzuela was nowhere to be found. When questioned, ERAU Security noted that there was no way for kidnappers, aliens, Somali pirates, El Chapo Guzman, Libyan terrorists or pink unicorns to have pene-

President Obama Loses Security Clearence Due to Excessive Foreign Travel

I Have No Idea What Im Doing

Surprise Found in GSIS Operations Center

NICOLE BENDER
Secret Agent

SARA MILES

On Tuesday, March 20, 2012, U.S. Secretary of State Hilary Clinton announced at a press conference that President Obamas top secret security clearance was being revoked due to excessive, suspicious foreign travel. This controversial move is expected to make the upcoming election a serious challenge for the Democratic Party. However, members of the campaign to reelect President Obama remain optimistic, citing the likelihood that the Republican nominee will eventually say something so backwards and racist that even white people wont vote for him. This decision by the State Department to revoke the Presidents clearance has come after months of internal debate, following President Obamas extensive travelling during

the first three years of his term. The Presidents official visits have taken him to every continent but Antarctica, and to such sensitive nations as Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq and Afghanistan. President Obama seems to plan his trips with total disregard to State Department travel warnings, said Secretary Clinton, and many of these destinations are suspicious in and of themselves. I mean, Germany, France and Australia are pretty cool, but what about these other countries? We have to consider the best interests of the United States. During her press conference, Secretary Clinton was quick to point out that although the Presidents clearance has officially been revoked, he is currently under consideration to receive a new one. This is simply a precaution, to investigate exactly why President Obama would feel the need to talk to other heads of state in their own countries instead of just demanding they come here. In the meantime, Vice President

Biden can travel in his place. Critics of this plan point out the Vice President Biden, although unlikely to shoot anyone in the face like his predecessor, could probably unravel decades of carefully crafted policy in ten minutes or less in any given foreign country with his personality as his only weapon. The political fallout from the State Departments announcement on Tuesday has generated new activity amongst anti-Obama groups nationwide. Leaders in the Tea Party movement pointed to the cost of issuing a new security clearance, which is in the thousands of dollars and demanded Who is going to pay for that? Not my tax dollars! I only want to pay for highways and Patriot Missiles! Even the controversial Birthers movement, a group that maintains that President Obama is, in fact, not a U.S. citizen, is now demanding to see the Presidents passport. Although President Obama

can continue to live in the White House, he is not allowed to enter the oval office, receive his daily correspondence and briefings, go anywhere unescorted, or talk to anyone except the cleaning staff. Efforts are currently underway to get Sasha and Malia security clearances so they can take over the Presidents day to day duties while their fathers clearance is under review. Its not ideal, admits President Obama during an interview with CNN News, but the girls are 11 and 14 now, and its time they start making foreign and domestic policy decisions for themselves. When asked how he occupies himself now that most of his regular duties are off limits, President Obama replied Ive been using this time to consider the path the United States is on, and possible solutions for our broken economic system and divisive internal politics. Also, Ive been playing a lot of Skyrim.

Many of us know the Ops Center, or at least think we do. It has the eagle tree in front of it, and most of us walk by it at least once a day. Little did we know that the GSIS Ops Center had a very dark secret. An agent managed to sneak past the sinister Dr. Philip Jones and get inside the main part of the Ops Center. A computer was left on. It showed an odd room. One that was not on the original plans for the building. After sneaking into the back rooms, the agent managed to find a door in the janitors room, which is unoriginal at best, though amusing. A passcode was needed. The Agent found it under a box; it was just a little piece of yellowed paper. A quick flash of fingers and the door started to move. Clanks and huffs echoed quietly as the door slowly swung open. It was circular and reminded the agent of a bank vault door -- quite impres-

sive actually. Lights flickered on behind the door, popping sounds filling the air. Inside the room was a very large teardrop-shaped object with four fins. It took only seconds, but the agent figured out what it was. Yes ladies and gentlemen, it was a nuclear weapon. The agent could see a great number of lasers around said nuke, and yet it seemed as if there was no security. The piece of yellowed paper featured a few more codes. The agent used these to disarm the lasers. A soft humming came from the weapon. White, with a red symbol on it, the nuke had a powerful presence. The agent moved around the nuke, taking it all in. On the back wall was, of all things, a large poster with a badly drawn nuke, and the words Its A Nuke!! followed by a crude smiley face. The agent was a bit confused, but continued to look around. Finally, in a dusty corner, he found a box containing
see GSIS SURPIRSE page 2

MAr. 28, 2012

FAlse Horizons

Arnold Air Society to Create Scherp Youth

DICK DICKINSON
Freelance Aryan

Anyone who has attended Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University during a fall semester may have witnessed the late night antics of a certain student organization. Those who havent been woken up at 2 a.m. by screaming, shouting and the occasional faint whimper of freshmen AFROTC cadets certainly noticed the same sleep-deprived underclassmen wandering campus with tiny binders, no doubt full of instructions for strange rituals and the dire consequences of quitting their secret training program. Yes, Arnold Air Society has long been a fixture here at ERAU, but next semester they will be undergoing some serious changes. In the past, Arnold Air Society trainees have been taught that they were joining an organization dedicated to community service and professional development. Now, after a shift in focus, they will simply be indoctrinated into the ideology of their founding father and namesake

through reeducation and punishment, which is much easier than motivating freshmen students to spend their weekends performing community service. The ERAU squadron of Arnold Air Society is named after Steven M. Scherp, an alumni of the university. In an effort to better instill the teachings and ideology and Scherp, and to increase their visibility on campus,

leadership within the organization has recently announced it will now begin calling its trainees the Steven M. Scherp Youth. This name change is meant to reflect the trainees status as fledgling, or youth members of the society, and their dedication to the qualities displayed by their namesake. To go along with the name change, members of the

Scherp Youth will also be required to wear a uniform, render a special salute whenever they see their organizations flag or insignia, and report any activities they witness that may be subversive to the ideology of Scherp. Whether they be friends, roommates or even family, Scherp Youth are encouraged to report subversive activity and cut off ties with

those who dont uphold the great Scherps glorious vision. Trainees will continue to participate in late night, militaryfocused training, but will now be required to demonstrate their undying loyalty and devotion to Scherps legacy by day as well. They must organize and attend rallies held in the name of Steven M. Scherp and Arnold Air Society, and re-

cruit as many into their ranks as possible. There was talk of requiring the Scherp Youth to learn German, in order to better weed out the lazy and those that lack dedication as well as add another level of secrecy to training documents, but Arnold Air Society leadership ruled that the trainees should spend their time contemplating their loyalty to the great Scherp instead. Current members of Arnold Air Society are very excited about these planned changes to the training program. In past years they have had to adopt training techniques like constructive criticism, positive reinforcement and even consideration for trainees inexplicable need for sleep, but the Scherp Youth promises to be the mindless, fully-indoctrinated corps of zombie cadets the squadron has always secretly wanted. Next years freshmen AFROTC cadets will be rigorously recruited for the Scherp Youth, and will help usher in a new age of unswerving loyalty to the glorious ideology of Scherp.

NETWORK

9:00
Glenn Beck Turns Democrat

10:00
Obama Eating Watermelon and Chicken

11:00
Republican News

Fox TBS
RiddleVision

Everybodys ****ing Raymond

Friends...With Benets TBA Powerdot Snow I

10 Guys One Jacuzzi

LOL World Championship
Hunting Humans: Season 5

CABLE

ESPN
Comedy Central

Squatting Your Way to Thicker Thighs

Gabriel Iglesias has Heart Attack Recycled Jokes

Sci-Fi Military MTV

Te l e m u n d o

The Beast of Willow Lake

Land Navigation

Children of the SNOOKI

Top Secret

Planes

Navy Comes Out Jersey Su...

Lights and Sounds Causing Epilepsy

People Pointing at Their Abs

Como Cruzar la Frontera! Andale Andale Andale... Arriba Arriba!

Top 10 School Shootings!

A B C F a m i l y 696 & Counting

History

Adults Who Love Kids

North Korean Pickers

Whiskey Row Just One More

Adult Pawn

Gangland: Chino Valley

D.A.R.E. Program PSA

Public Access

Im Still Good to Drive

Discovery

286 Days Till the World Ends... Load Up B****es

YOUR MOM

FAlse Horizons

MAr. 28, 2012

Rampage
beard ran after hearing police sirens. After that, we were taken to the hospital, and I dedicated my last hours to writing this article so the campus could be warned. I hope it isnt too late. Gally, whose scream was heard by the students as the beard detached itself, seems to have gone missing. The search for him is still ongoing, as he is another helpless victim of a great mass of facial hair turned suddenly evil. Some followers of the beard claim that this is the beards retribution for trimming it, as he should never dare to shorten such greatness. In fact, plans for memorial services are now being disrupted by protests claiming that the beard was right and that if the school does not recognize the beards power

Continued from page 1

and submit, the protestors threaten to invite the Westboro Baptist Church to the memorial services. Gallys beard is still at large, although it may have crossed into Mexico by now to evade authorities, using its supernatural power and wisdom to travel at speeds not possible for man, because the human skeleton is not as flexible as a beard. Wherever the beard is, it leaves behind a potential war between the purest of beard followers and those who now reject the beard because it turned evil. It has also caused a completely new restriction on facial hair at ERAU, such that all events like No-Shave November are disallowed upon pain of expulsion, and any male student found with stubble risks a $200 fine. Jim Sheridan, Director of Campus Safety, has vowed to never allow the beard massacre to repeat itself.

Reagan
ple of how great a President Reagan was, because of all his work to end the Cold War and start a major boost in the economy. The official announcement has not yet been made, but rumor has it that Reagans body has made its preference of Vice Presidential running mate President Reagans old Vice President George H.W. Bush. This could also potentially be a resurgence of H.W. Bushs political career, because unlike his son, he was only ever afforded one term in the presidency. Should this duo get together, President Obama will certainly have his hands full campaigning against two conservative former Presidents, especially one whose image to this day invokes praise as one of the greatest American Presidents of all time.

UHI to Offer Senior Citizen Discount

LORD SNIGGLESWORTH
Noble Correspondent

Continued from page 1

UHI has been a great helicopter pilot school for many students of Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University. Though faced with the prospect of having to train pilots from scratch, they have more than exceeded the expectations of many, including professors, who thought that pilots were nigh un-teachable. Now UHI hopes to expand its market and up the challenge a little by offering discounts to senior citizens. Its a brilliant marketing strategy says the spokesperson of UHI. There is a huge percentage of senior citizens in Prescott that have nothing better to do. While some may argue that attracting a large number of elderly people who

are lacking in visual and response skills may be somewhat dangerous, the UHI spokesperson assures that this is a completely sane and safe idea. Weve trained ERAU pilots for years now, I dont think the elderly would be that much more difficult. There are a lot of concerns from the community. Some say that their parents and grandparents always dreamed of going out in a blaze of glory and that this program would only hasten such dreams of grandeur. The seniors, however, are expressing their desire to get the program up and running saying that flying helicopters is in many of their bucket lists. UHI plans to offer several different courses including a crash course that would in essence just be there for senior citizens

to fly with a certified instructor around Prescott for fun. The naming of this course has caused quite a stir with the rest of the population as they fear that helicopters will replace rain and snow as the main form of precipitation in the Prescott area. Some have even started installing netting above their houses in the expectation of saving their houses in the event of a helicopter crash in the general vicinity of their house. The UHI spokesman has reassured the public that this will be a safe program and called everyone with nets over their houses absurdly paranoid, adding that [UHIs] helicopters blades would cut right through them anyway. In any case, UHI will push forward with this plan to draw senior citizens to fly the skies of Prescott.

Mechanical Engineering Students Build Mechanical Woman

MORITZ SEEBODE
Probably Homeless

On Monday, March 26, Mechanical Engineering students at the Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University Prescott campus succeeded in fulfilling a long-standing wish of male ERAU students. The team of three students successfully built a functioning mechanical analog of a human woman. The three students recognized the need for women analogs after having been students of the ERAU Prescott campus for over three years and having experienced its

critical shortage of female human beings. Its a sausage fest around these parts, comments Design Team Lead Moritz Seebode, so we decided to put our $100,000+ education to good use. The team faced some difficulties in the design of the woman analog in that the campus is critically deficient in human females from which to start a design. Engineers generally start the design process by researching existing design solutions, so we decided to observe real-life women. After a long scan of the campus yielded no such specimens, however, we were forced to turn to internet-based evidence.

The results were... stimulating. Soon, however, enough representative data regarding physical features, vocal patterns and behavioral modes was collected to build a functional test model. Were not sure if we modeled her personality right, admits Seebode, but she does nothing we want, which internet sources indicated is about right. Regardless of these uncertainties, the team is continuing a relentless set of tests in order to certify their woman analog to aerospace standards. We fried the impulse control module and half the servos when we performed water tunnel

testing, jokes Seebode, the reason for which I forget. But it was a nice sight. The wet T-shirt top was a nice touch, if I say so myself. A major setback occurred when the dysfunctional impulse control module and servos caused the woman analog to lash out at two of the team members, leaving them with Beaten Creator Syndrome. I couldnt stand the thought of continuing work on the project for at least three or four hours, says another team member, but soon, the desire to creating one of the mythical creatures known as woman forced me to press on with my work. Regarding the recent repair and

upgrade to the woman analog, however, ERAU has heralded the teams efforts as the campus greatest success in decades. The team is due to be awarded all future Eprizes earnings for years to come in recognition of their continued service to the campus and in order to refine and multiply their design. Pending the completion of Version 3.0 of the woman analog, university officials from the Womens and Diversity Office will invite real women from the larger Prescott area to evaluate the design. As long as they arent impartial, we did the job right, muses Seebode, social bonding with or unexplained antip-

athy of the robot on the part of the women are indicators of success. While the woman analog is yet to be independently evaluated, the design promises to be a success with members of the campus. Enthusiasm on part of the student body is high, and many are willing to contribute to the project. Students feedback suggests the project may be made open-source, though Seebode remains critical of such a move. I really appreciate the enthusiasm, but I question peoples motives. I mean, giving Riddle students the possibility to making a woman analog of their own? Thats pretty sketchy.

The team poses with their sexy creation.

Austin Troya / Horizons Newspaper

MAr. 28, 2012

FAlse Horizons

Skirt Hunting Team Over-Hunts to Endangered Status

Although the group was created solely for aesthetic purposes, the undercover female who so bravely took her place within SHT found more secrets than suspected. The ritual for new members to be accepted confirmed the rumor of drinking out of a very chic high heel as well as a first solo skirt hunt without any prior knowledge or experience, also known as a skirteer. There have been some reports of silent protests by some of the females on campus. A large group was spotted on the lower baseball field wearing jeans and t-shirts gathered in a circle, and after a moment of silence the attendees suddenly began ripping and throwing skirts into a pile in the center. A huge bonfire lit up the night during spring break as the female students danced around the fire in hopes to disband the SHT. As of right now, the students in attendance of the skirt bonfire have officially been marked as extinct on the SHTs lists. For their protection from further female retaliation, the members of the group will remain anonymous but the SHTs individual documentation on every female student on campus is in the process of approval for destruction so as to prevent the rising level of endangered females. However, since the group is not an official club approved by the Student Government Association, direct interference and destruction of property is prohibited currently. So what you can do to help save this endangered species, and why do they need to be saved? To have more females on campus would benefit current male and female students, as many females would agree, I would enjoy having more then two other women, including myself, in my classes so I am not singled out all the time. To maintain a proper ratio of male to female students, a recovery plan must be established to prevent further endangerment. First, the needs of the females must be considered with the utmost importance, and right now they are calling for the disbanding of the SHT. If this does not happen soon, who knows what measures they will implement to get their way. Also, their habitat must be restored. They need space and compassion to flourish, dont forget it is spring so skirts are natural at this time. You can make a difference and bring this endangered status to full bloom, just in time for summer.

Top 10 Oces On Campus

GRETCHEN HAWKINS
Office Connoiseur

JULIA HOWLIND
A Real Girl!

Ever since the formation of the Skirt Hunting Team (SHT) on the Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University (ERAU) Prescott campus during the Spring of 2011, there has been unrest within the female population with whispers of fear and retaliation against the group. With the female students holding a threatened species status only last spring, they have dropped

to endangered status and many believe this to be the direct result of the formation of SHT. As a concerned student confirms this belief, I have watched the numbers grow steadily since I began school three years ago, however, with numbers still below 20 percent last year there have been no measures taken to continue their growth. I believe the formation of SHT has created a direct impact for the female population and caused it to decrease and enter endangered status.

Some offices are more equal than others. Students everywhere have been fiercely debating which faculty members have the most coveted offices. After extensive undercover investigation, I have compiled the following top ten list. 10) Even though its not technically a faculty office, the SGA combined Treasurer and Secretary office takes the trailing spot. It is strategically located adjacent to one of the most popular spots on campus, the coffee machine, and curious students are always encouraged to pop their heads in and have a chat with any SGA members. 9) Although Dr. Frank Ayers office is more like a Cold Stone Creamery counter on a hot summer day than the quiet haven of our universitys Chancellor, it still makes the list because it is the ideal place for casually bumping in to visitors. 8) Larry Stephans office in Building 18 may not have the stunning views of some of the other workspaces on this list, but with its fitting location right in the center of campus, it is nearly impossible for the Dean of Students to avoid a campus event or the student eye. 7) Dr. Chuck Cones spacious room in the King Engineering Building has a generous supply of windows. Moreover, with one of the shortest parking space commutes, who wouldnt want to distance themselves from the barren hallways of AC-1? 6)

Harry Blotter 8

Michael Jackson dies of drug overdose!

Half of the walls of Dr. Robin Sobottas office in AC-1 were traded for expansive windows that afford a fantastic view of the Dells and Mingus Mountain in the distance. 5) Juila Garlebs domain in the student union is just a few convenient steps from both lunch and a quick game of pool. 4) Dr. Phil Joness office housed within the Eagle Operations Center is in the perfect location for interacting with serious GSIS students and occasionally stealing a few moments on the giant touch table. 3) Library Director, Sarah Thomas works facing a floor to ceiling view of Granite Mountain and her offices location allows her to witness scholarly students in action. 2) The dark cavern in which Dr. Tom Gally can usually be found makes it to the top of the list. Wrap around windows with unobstructed views of Granite Mountain could be easily distracting. Maybe thats why the blinds are always closed. 1) However, Dr. Ron Madlers office in the Deans Suite on the third floor of AC-1 wins this contest without a doubt. Despite the odd shape of the room, the windows reveal staggering 180o views of the surrounding area including the Dells, Willow Lake and Granite Mountain. Plus it comes with the best desk in the building. So for anyone who has shared a cubicle with four other people in a windowless basement, just remember there is a light at the end of the long, dark, creepy and bomber shelter tunnel.

Michigan vs. Arizona

BRANDON LEADBETTER
Finish him!

Coming this Fall!

BreAKinG neWs!!!

Werber Bros.

All across the United States, lakes and rivers of freshwater seem to be running dry. The Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University Prescott campus is located across from Willow Creek Reservoir and Watson Lake and is able to observe this effect every day. However, speculation is starting to mount as to the culprit. Typical theories include that global warming or the looming end of the world are at fault, but Horizons correspondents have found the transgressor. Its someone no one saw coming! However, identifying the culprit is one thing; bringing them to justice is another. The culprit is an entire

state: Michigan. The Great Lakes of Michigan contain almost 90 percent of the worlds freshwater. In the last decade, Michigan has lost billions of gallons of water to states complaining of not having water. States such as Arizona and New Mexico have asked for help. Michigan has been forced to help in the past, but not anymore. In this recession, Michigan has decided there will be no more water handouts to anyone. To stimulate its economy, the governor of Michigan has marshaled the entire states economy and bought the automotive plants that now stand bare in Detroit. They are planning to build a massive network of underground pipes that have begun draining Arizonas precious freshwa-

ter right from under her citizens noses and pumping them into Lake Michigan. Willow Creek Reservoir and Watson Lake are only the beginning. By stepping up its pipe-making abilities, Michigan plans to extend its reach to all corners of the world, drying up any trace of freshwater. Their goal is to bring the Great Lakes back to the level before the lakes started to be siphoned away. This would provoke the Federal Government to step in and seize control of this threat to the nations freshwater sources, but Michigan is not acting alone. Ohio, Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin, Minnesota , Pennsylvania, New York, and Iowa (no one knows why) have all pledged their support to Michi-

VS.
gans cause. Canada has declared that it will deploy all its Mounties to cover Canadas parts of the Great Lakes, including handing over the Yukon province to Michigan. The inclusion of every state and country bordering the lakes has created a fortress around the once public waterways. Chicago and New York City have begun production of their own tunneling equipment to reach Texas and Nevada. The states have decided to allow California to keep their water; God only knows whats in it. There is even rumor that to help defend Michigan water, the Uppers or people that live in Michigans Upper Peninsula are beginning to migrate out of their respective dens. When the number ranged around five people in 16,000 miles, now numbers into the thousands marching to the borders of Michigan allies. States in the west, south and Northeast have begun to call in the National Guard to defend its waters as Michigan tunneling arms begin to expand. The ERAU Prescott campus sits on the edge of one of Michigans targets as the war for freshwater is about to begin. The Federal Government is in an uproar as Congress is now a battleground for disappearing political parties as water now binds states together.

FAlse Horizons

MAr. 28, 2012

E m b r y - R i d d l e A e r o n a u t i c a l Un i v e r s i t y

OCCUPY MOVEMENT REACHES CHARTWELLS CAFETERIA

Resident Shape Drawer

S FA L
Sta Information Uncle Teddy The Monopoly Guy Skirt Aficionado I Fly on Brooms! Blondie (seriously) He Still Works Here? Pornographer R.I.P. Copy Mistaker What? My Name Is... Sleepy Stewart Littler Hometown Hero

AUSTIN TROYA

With the exception of small mining communities scattered about the country, no one is a stranger to the occupy movement sweeping the nation. This epidemic finally hit home and landed at the Chartwells dining hall of the Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University Prescott campus. Students began their silent protest in an effort to change various procedures put in place by the Chartwells staff. Some student complaints includ not being able to take food out of the dining hall and food disappearing from the buffet lines hours before closing. One student was quoted as saying, Its just ***** nuts that I

cant order what I want at the [Fresh Grille] when theres no burgers there or anything! Ironically, Chartwells was currently undergoing a remodel on the patio that allowed occupy students to climb over the wall and protest silently in the patio area in addition to the main entrance. Several employees were surprised to find dozens of students blocking the entrance to the cafeteria early last week. The protesters were soon met by police officers and K9 units in an attempt to break up the protest peacefully. When the students didnt move, officers began tossing ice cream cones at the students as a form of public embarrassment. This tactic proved to be too weak, as students began eating the ice cream (several of them had not eaten in over 32

hours). It took officers a total of three and a half hours to break up the protest and disperse the crowd. Luckily, not much damage had been done to the property and Sodexo was able to wash down all food remaining on the ground. Chartwells response has been nothing short of incredible. The protest seems to have stirred some emotional response, as things have turned around quickly. One of the newly instated changes is that students are now allowed to take food out of Chartwells. Upon entry, if a student requests, they will be granted one disposable food container and one cup to take food with them for later. This is mostly to accommodate those students on a tight schedule who may not have time to eat at

the dining hall. The second change is another to help ease the pains of those with difficult schedules. Specialty hot food is normally served from 5 p.m. until 7:30 p.m. That end time has now been extended until 8 p.m. This allows students with night classes to either eat after class or grab a to-go box before class with food. The last change has been made to order grill items after peak hours. Students can now go to the dining hall to order whatever pleases them rather than having to wait until 9 p.m. when the Outtakes grill opens. All of these changes have been well received by the student body and no further protests have occurred. For the foreseeable future, it seems, there will be peace within the dining community of ERAU.

Zachary Beardless

[michela@my.erau.edu] [beardz@my.erau.edu]

Andrew Michel

[howlindj@my.erau.edu] [mckenzm1@my.erau.edu]

Julia Howlind

Mitch McKenzie Sara Miles

Photoshop Grease Monkey

[miless2@my.erau.edu] [troyaa@my.erau.edu]

Austin Troya

Kennethenen Stuart Brenton Woodchuck

[stuartk@my.erau.edu]

[woodrufb@my.erau.edu]

[seebodem@my.erau.edu] [seroj@my.erau.edu] [kiklap@my.erau.edu]

Moritz Seebode

Julien Sero

Parag Kikla

[andera11@my.erau.edu] [stewam14@my.erau.edu]

Allison Cisneros

Micaela Stewart
[prnews@erau.edu]

Lynda Roberts

GLORIOUS LEADER Pornographer 2 Pornographer 3 Pornographer 4 Pornographer 5 I think my grammers well The Muffin Man Not Much Better DullHead Son of Jackie Chan I Love Dogs I Torture Pledges Stuck in the 1800s I Hate Wrestling Flower Power Boss Man

[shamt@my.erau.edu] [gallantm@my.erau.edu]

Timothy Sham

Mike Gallante

[burchd@my.erau.edu]

Dayton Burcheld

[subrams1@my.erau.edu [clancyb@my.erau.edu] [rasmussm@my.erau.edu]

Shali Subramanian

[nng@my.erau.edu]

Greg Finn

Brad Clancy

Mitch Rasmufn

Brandon Leadbetter Derek Broadhead

[leadbetb@my.erau.edu]

[broadhed@my.erau.edu] [chanp1@my.erau.edu]

Paulo Chan

Austin Troya / Horizons Newspaper The angry protesters displayed their rage against Chartwells early Sunday morning.

[hawkinsg@my.erau.edu]

Gretchen Hawkins Rene Valenzuela

[clinefes@my.erau.edu]

Daniel Clinefelter

[valenzur@my.erau.edu] [cordesc@my.erau.edu] [vielmaj@my.erau.edu]

Chris Cordes

Study Abroad Somalia Planned for Summer 2012

SARA MILES
Gunslinger Girl

Jorge Vielma

Dr. Alan J. Malnar

[malnara@erau.edu]

Here at Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University, students have always had the opportunity to expand their horizons by participating in study abroad. This summer, the university is proudly offering students the chance to truly step outside of their comfort zones by signing up for study abroad courses in Mogadishu, Somalia. Some may call this country a failed state, or an incredibly unstable, inappropriate destination for college students, but ERAU sees it for what it really isa veritable cornucopia of history and culture. Somalia has been in the news for numerous reasons in recent years, including civil war, political chaos and of course pirates. This has led to an increasingly large segment of

the ERAU student body demanding a study abroad trip to this exciting region, and the university has finally put together the resources and manpower to make the trip a reality. Interested students will have to be vaccinated against typhoid, yellow fever, polio, rabies, malaria and all forms of hepatitis, as well as demonstrate the financial means to pay their own ransom. However, the trip is expected to be extremely affordable after the cost of the initial flight to Mogadishu. The low cost and natural charm of Somalia are expected to attract many ERAU students during the Summer of 2012. Study Abroad Somalia is a six week program, and will be offered during the Summer B term. Students will be taking LSM 101 Conversational Somali and HU 387 Piracy and Guerilla Warfare, an interactive, experienced based class aimed at teaching students the prac-

tical skills they will need after graduation. Participants in this study abroad program will even have the opportunity to intern with the local warlord of their choice, where they will learn how to procure Cold Warera Russian armaments, evade UN peacekeepers and the proper way to bribe government officials. Internships will not be paid. This exciting program wont be all work, though. Students will get plenty of free time to explore beautiful Mogadishu, and will be taken on guided tours of the citys well-stocked prisons, the long-abandoned Somali National University, and many other fun attractions. Participants will even visit the location of the American helicopter crash that inspired the blockbuster hit Black Hawk Down, an excursion of special interest to aviation majors and history buffs.

Engineers or physicists, pilots or GSIS majors, theres a little something for everyone in this study abroad trip to Somalia. Students who are bored with England, Italy, China and other lame, traditional destinations for foreign study are strongly encouraged to apply for this trip. While other people are visiting totally overrated tourist attractions and taking tame classes, students in Somalia will be experiencing firsthand what life is like in the worlds fifth poorest country. While your friends talk about some dumb European club they went to or how they met Tibetan monks, you could be smiling quietly to yourself, reminiscing about that time you and your gang of guerrilla fighters hid in the jungle for ten days when the International Criminal Court charged you with war crimes. Hows that for a crosscultural experience?

Attributions While there are many, many people who submitted content for this issue, nothing you see would be possible without the abundant dedication of Sara Miles, Austin Troya, Andrew Michel, the people responsible for layout of this False Horizons issue. If you have any problems, blame them! Legal Disclaimer False Horizons is to college newspapers as The Onion is to The New York Times. None of these stories are true and all should be taken with at least a handful of salt. Those chronically devoid of any sense of humor should promptly move on to the real edition, but for the rest of you, we hope you enjoy our humorous, satirical, or otherwise silly April Fools edition. Advertising/Submission Information If you think any of the advertisements found in False Horizons are real, you are sorely mistaken. Many ads are no longer the result of Taylor Nelsons lack of creative genius and are meant to be humorous. Do not take these ads seriously under any circumstances. Subscriptions Subscriptions to False Horizons may be available for $200 per semester or $500 per academic year. International rates vary. Visit our web site at [http:// www.erau-news.com/subscribe] or contact us at 928.777.3891 for more information. Deadlines (subject to change)
Next False Deadline: Thursday, Mar. 23, 2013 Fake Advertisement Deadline: Friday, Mar. 24, 2013 Probable Publication Date: When We Feel Like It

Here at Horizons, if the past 275 years have taught us anything, weve discovered just how expensive it is to print a 16, 20, or 24 page newspaper. For this reason, were beta testing a new idea where we squeeze a quarter or half page item down to less than 3 inches tall! Please let us know what you think of this idea and how illegible these features are by emailing us at horizons_news.false@gmail.com. ank you to all of our loyal readers. We look forward to the future of providing you with smaller articles with bigger content!

In 2010, we advertised the Shaun Baghott-Salmon shirt for a short time and the response was incredible. We were sold out within 15 minutes of the online release of the newspaper and shirts were on backorder for 13 weeks. Its two years later and we have decided to bring the shirt back, but only for the next month! Contact us at 928-777-3891 to order your shirt for only $12! Here is the advertisement we ran back in 2010: Shaun Baghott-Salmon is a worldwide acclaimed human being. These shirts express his very best qualities and feature a black and white facial profile. Shirts are available for $10 via Horizons Newspaper. Next year, Shaun plans to run for SGA President. Hes a soccer player, plans on being an astronaut or fighter pilot one day, and is single. VOTE SHAUN 2011!

Students are always concerned with what clothing is fashionable right now. Horizons set out to find the most popular brands by going directly to the source...the students.

ATT I INDI TUDE CAT OR

Whats your favorite clothing brand?

Hmmm....Victorias Secret probably, sometimes Roxy though. - Joseph Augello Fubu. [In response to our reaction] What, I like high end clothing. - Steven Leon

(FALSE) Horizons Newspaper

ERAU Box 9157 / 3700 Willow Creek Rd. Prescott, Arizona 86301 Telephone 928.777.3891 Fax 928.777.3830 [horizons.erau@gmail.com] [http://www.erau-news.com] Since 1737

opular ack by p b ! demand!!

e most fashionable clothing at the time that shows my manly muscles best. - Tyler Worley

Jeans! [ ats not a brand] Oh, right, Levis. - Trevor Jones

Shoes. - Nicole Eichholz