Jokes

Adult

Adult Jokes Get Ready to Gasp With this Naughty selection

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Bestsellers for Revenge Humor from Amazon.com

Captain Underpants and the Big, Bad Battle of the Bionic Booger Boy: Revenge of the Ridiculous RoboBoogers (Captain Underpants, 7)
by Dav Pilkey

Our Price: $4.99 Sales Rank: 84 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5) Released: 30 September, 2003 - ISBN: 0439376122 The Revenge Of The Baby-Sat
by Bill Watterson

List Price: $10.95 Our Price: $8.76 Sales Rank: 10,797 - Avg. Rating: 4.9 (out of 5) Released: April, 1991 - ISBN: 0836218663 Chasing Horses
by Christy Tillery French

Our Price: $19.95 Sales Rank: 45,431 - Avg. Rating: 4.9 (out of 5) Released: 20 March, 2001 - ISBN: 1588512592 The Little Voodoo Kit: Revenge Therapy for the Over-Stressed
by Jean-Paul Poupette

List Price: $12.95 Our Price: $10.36 Sales Rank: 73,911 - Avg. Rating: 4.3 (out of 5) Released: 15 February, 1997 - ISBN: 0312154151 The Big Book of Revenge: 200 Dirty Tricks for Those Who Are Serious About Getting Even
by George Hayduke

List Price: $14.95 Our Price: $10.47 Sales Rank: 19,439 - Avg. Rating: 3.7 (out of 5) Released: March, 2001 - ISBN: 0806521414 21st Century Revenge: Down and Dirty Tactics for the Millennium
by Victor Santoro

List Price: $15.00 Our Price: $10.50 Sales Rank: 9,444 - Avg. Rating: 3.7 (out of 5) Released: June, 1999 - ISBN: 155950191X Don't Get Mad - Get Even : The Fine Art Of Revengemanship
by Jane Inder Hilary Eyre

List Price: $19.95 Our Price: $13.97 Sales Rank: 63,626 - Avg. Rating: 3 (out of 5) Released: September, 1994 - ISBN: 0873647963 Your Revenge Is in the Mail
by Keith Wade

Our Price: $12.95 Sales Rank: 426,397 - Avg. Rating: 3 (out of 5) Released: April, 1988 - ISBN: 0915179741 Screw Unto Others : Revenge Tactics For All Occasions
by George Hayduke

List Price: $22.95 Our Price: $16.07 Sales Rank: 230,521 - Avg. Rating: 5 (out of 5) Released: June, 1987 - ISBN: 0873644050 Poison Pen Letters: Using Mail for Revenge
by Keith Wade

Our Price: $12.95 Sales Rank: 419,470 - Avg. Rating: 0 (out of 5) Released: August, 1984 - ISBN: 0915179156

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TROUBLE? An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks." "What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked. "Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch."

BIRTH CONTROL An elderly woman walks into her doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman replies, "They help me sleep." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How can birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning."

FRENCHMAN, GERMAN AND ENGLISHMAN A Frenchman, a German and an Englishman are in the pub. The Frenchman says, "Last night I poured Cognac all over my wife, licked it off and made love to her for 3 hours. She rose a foot off of the bed". The German replies, "That's nothing. Last night I smothered my wife with Sauerkraut, ate it all off her, made love to her for 4 hours. She rose two feet off of the bed". The Englishman says with a smirk, "You lightweights, last night I got drunk, made love to my wife for two minutes, then fell asleep. She hit the roof!"

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DIAGNOSIS One day, a fellow complained to his friend. "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10. He figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noises and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labour." It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter's using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife's pregnant twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And, if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

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CYBERSEX Many on-line computer users engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and share through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does... Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny. Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. Wellhung: I'm gulping; I'm beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly. Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing. Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry. Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive. Wellhung: I'll pay for it. Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.

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Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you. Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me. Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear. Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really. Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse. Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool. Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties. Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute. Sweetheart: What's the matter? Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking. Sweetheart: Are you OK? Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help? Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink. Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

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Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you. Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom? Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it. Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too. Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other. Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses? Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby! Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover. Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return. Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: What's the matter now? Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on. Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it! Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

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Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now! Wellhung: I'm flaccid. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face. Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse. Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes. Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser! Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! Sweetheart: [logged off]

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THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES - FOR HIM Why did the supermodel stare at the orange juice carton? The label said concentrate. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman that won't do what shes told. Why are hangovers better than women? You can make a hangover go away. Why do men have shorter lives than their wives? They want to. Why did god make men first? He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin? You only have to take the bin out once a week. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit in the dark and moan. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was damn near impossible. Wife: Let's ho out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Ok, if you get in first leave the light on. Why do woman get married in white They want to match the other household appliances. Why do men with pierced ears make good husbands? They've experiences pain and know how to buy jewellery. What's the best way to remember your wife birthday? Forget it once. Why did god create eve? Adam's leaf needed ironing. Why do women have small feet? So they can stand closer to the cooker.

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THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES - FOR HER Mummy what happens when a car is too old and rusty to work? Someone sells it to your father. What did go say after he created man? I can do better. What's a mans idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his feet so you can vacuum Wife: Where would you like to go on holiday this year? Husband: Somewhere I've never been before Wife: How about the kitchen? What's the difference between a man and Yoghurt? Yoghurt has a culture What's the difference between a man and a battery? A battery has a positive side.

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Advice For Tourists Visiting London This article appeared recently in an American magazine under the headline "Advice For Tourists". It was taken seriously by a lot of people... well Americans! "The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling"-the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" he will be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex. Habits: Ever since their Tory government whole-heartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a wank - everyone will understand and forgive you. Universities: One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager. Food: British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveler can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia-try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay

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whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you. Transportation: Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!). Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. Don't forget that buses are called "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots" it's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the "off-license". It's also very important to know that a "doctor" only means a Ph.D. in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician"). For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.) One final note for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization-the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite matters considerably.

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Affairs of the heart A blond guy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine. His second friend says: I think my wife is having an affair with the Plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine. The blond guy says: I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. Both his friends look at him with utter amazement. No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.

What's the difference between a nymphomaniac, a hooker, and a wife? The nymphomaniac says, "You're done already?" The hooker says, "Are you done yet?" And the wife says "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Q: What do you call a virgin blonde? A: A myth

I bought my Mother a wooden leg for Christmas. It is not her main present. Just stocking filler.

Hows your lovemaking? Peter and Paul are having a beer in the local Pub. " You look kind of down. What's up?" Peter asks his pal. "My wife just told me that my lovemaking is like a news bulletin." "O Yea, Why's that?" "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

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Gun power factory A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled in to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene of the accident what happened?" "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room. I saw him take a cigarette and light up." "He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" "About 20 years, sir" "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." "Well yea, it was!"

The Top 10 - Best Remarks by Golf Caddies No 1 2 3 4 5 Caddies Remark Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir." Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day." Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch its a compass." Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence." Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually." Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

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Pirates eye patch One day a pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The bartender asked the pirate, "Where did you get that peg leg from?" The pirate responded, "We were sailing the seas when a big old shark came up to me while I was swimming and bit off me leg." Later the bartender asked, "Where did you get that hook then?" The pirate responded, "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone." The bartender then asked, "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?" The pirate said, "In a harbour I looked at a gull flying overhead and it took a dump right in me eye." The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?" The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."

Fancy a Hand job? A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: 1.50 Chicken Sandwich: 2.50 Hand Job: 10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yea Baby." She purrs, "I am." The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Puns Down backward poets write inverse. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Practice safe eating always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

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Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you be repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you A flat minor. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. The poor guy fell into a glass-grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. My wife complains that I don't listen to a word she says. At least, I think thats what she said.

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Logic and Mathematics Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (S. M. ), and the other is known as Sister Logical (S.L.). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. S.L.: Have you noticed a man that has been following us for the past half hour?" S.M.: "Yes, I wonder what he wants." S.L.: "It's logical. He wants to rape us." S. M.: "Oh, no! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?" S.L.: "The only logical thing to do, of course. We have to start walking faster." S. M.: "It is not working." S.L.: "Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing to do. He also started to walk faster." S. M.: "So, what shall we do? At this pace, he will reach us in less than 1 minute." S.L.: "The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us." So, the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not arrived yet. Finally, Sister Logical arrives. S. M.: "Sister Logical! Thank God you are here. Tell us what happened." S.L.: "The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he decided to go after me." S. M.: "So, what happened? Please tell us." S.L.: "The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. The man also started to run as fast as he could." S. M.: "And what else?" S.L.: "The only logical thing to happen. He reached me." S. M.: "Oh, no. What did you do then?" S.L.: "The only logical thing to do. I pulled my dress up." S. M.: "Oh, Sister. What did the man do?" S.L.: "The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants." S. M.: "Oh, no! What happened then?" S.L.: "Isn't it logical Sister? A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down!"

Wives on men "Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." "My husband and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." "What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."

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Quasimodo Quasimodo is in the kitchen when his mother walks in carrying a wok. The hunchback grunts, Great, I love Chinese food. His mother says, Chinese food? No, son. Im using this thing to iron your shirts!

Carpet Laying A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

Guy: Hey baby what's your sign? Gal: Do not enter.

Guy: Where have you been all my life? Gal: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

Two blondes Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

Two Social Workers Two social workers are walking through a rough part of town one evening. They hear moans and cries for help coming from a near by alley. On investigation, they find a dazed man in a pool of blood. Help me, I've been mugged" He pleads. So the two social workers turn around and walk away. One says to his colleague, "You know the person that did this really needs our help!"

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