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HOT!
Newt Gingrich
NOT!
HOT!
Sarah Palin
Michele Bachmann
NOT!
Tom Miller
I was going to make a joke about the Iowa caucus, but I thought it was too corny
WILLS BUTLER Senior Jokester
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the Evangelical vote, yet have many past indiscretions. His include 2 previous marriages as well as at least one count of adultery, which would in a logical world remove him from their consideration. But hell, who are they going to choose instead? Ron PaDr. Ronald Ernest Paul The sheer fact that he is a major contender in this race speaks volumes.
has since denounced his past ways, disregarding any and all Liberalism for good, allAmerican Red -blooded Conservatism. The issue of course is that many have not forgotten his past indiscretions, and his policy on topics which are usual very one sided, like the Civil Rights Act of 1964, are frightening at best. He is kind of old, but not pudgy enough to fill the oldwhite-man-in-the-white-house mold.
An untouchable for years, he has voted in ways that can be considered eccentric at best. The King of Libertarians, he has in the past called for legalization of Marijuana, Prostitution, Gay Marriage, and free hugs. Indeed, Ron Paul supporters are secondary only to jihadists in their fervent Newt has that shit covered. love of their angry God, and in most cases Jon Huntsman A high-school dropout more likely to explode and kill you. who only later got his G.E.D., he was the The internet has been a breeding Ambassador to China under the Obama ground for Ron Paul love, which has transadministration and a personal friend of lated into moderate success for him and he
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reason he wont win is because his everyman status is compromised by his being a goddamn billionaire status. He doesnt fight, but he does ride a motorcycle, and Iowa will really decide if he stays or goes. Fred Karger A non-Republican, he makes this list because he will live in the record books forever. The first openly gay man to run for President (John Adams still in the closet then?) he also happens to be the first Jewish man to ever run for presidency. One wonders why he would make this choice, damning himself to an eternity of hellfire, when he could take the perfectly respectable option of being a closet homosexual and therefore have the full backing of the Republican Party. He is basically a single issue candidate, wanting to bring the issue of Gay Marriage to a national stage. Fox News loves him. Andy Martin - Another sleeper candidate.
few restrictions regarding future legal actions. To be fair, he has run for president the most; 16 times total, with only three of those as a Democrat! NOBAMA! Jimmy McMillan Oh shit yes, it is indeed the The Rent Is Too Damn High! guy. While his beard has a 100% approval rate among focus groups, his own candidacy is confusing at best. His political history, on the other hand, is freaking awesome at best. The following is just straight truth: The first time he ran for anything was in 1993, when he ran for Mayor of New York. During that campaign, he was tied to a tree (willingly) and doused with gasoline. After warming up his craziness muscles, he decided the best way to spread the word was to climb the Brooklyn Bridge and refuse to come down until televisions broadcast his political message. After this oddly enough failed to generate him enough signatures to be on the ballot, he came back the next year running for governor. He traveled on foot from Brooklyn to Buffalo on foot, sleeping in homeless shelters. Only an injury in Rochester stopped him from walking home too.
own words: [Obama is] a good looking young guy, and Im a handsome old dude. So theres gonna be some competition there. Damn right there is. Now Herman Cain is gone, he is the go to choice for white apologists. Rick Perry If you want to vote for a cowboy, hes your man. Socially he doesnt take your shit, he has released videos damning homosexuals and holds predictable positions on immigration (get your own country), firearms (get your own gunless country), same-sex marriage (get your own queer country), and capital punishment (get your own forgiveness based country). Hes the longest serving Texas Governor in history, which you dont become by being moderate. His biggest problem is that in regards to policy, his-
tory, and experience, he is President Bush. His biggest strength, however, is that he is a straight-shooting (with a gun, not his mouth) conservative who has a solid backing from evangelicals and real red-blooded Americans. Again, the Iowa polls will determine his future in this contest. Mitt Goddamn Romney The 2012 Republican nomin-I mean candidate *ehem*, he has been leading the polls with a commanding 23-25% for months now. He is very moderate; an ex-Liberal whose Romney-care was the basis for the Obamacare we all know and loathe. He is a businessman first and foremost, and he truly is playing the field right now. He is frankly the only candidate who really stands a serious chance at
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His claim to fame is that he was the guy who first told us the truth about Obama being a secret Muslim and that he dont got no Merican birth certificate. Without him, there would be no birthers, and that is His popularity exploded in 2010 a world that I shudder to think of. with his gubernatorial campaign spawnNOBAMA 2012! ing viral videos, all centered around the Unfortunately, because he has filed theme of The Rent, and how he consomewhere between hundreds and thousidered it Too Damn High. He may sands of litigations as well as about 250 technically be a Democrat who civil actions over the years, the cruel and switched parties just to run, but in his oppressive government has placed quite a
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winning, but a majority of the Republican Party seems to be looking for an alternative to him. By trying to appeal to everyone, he has alienated many, all of whom are looking for any alternative to the Muslim communist ex-pat we have now. His pet-policy is lower taxes on hair oil. Rick Santorum Research has shown me that theres more to this candidate than meets the eye. Most importantly, do yourself a favor: Type the word Santorum into Google. Even as a hardcore right-winger who is terribly offended by this terrible practice, it is actually pretty funny. Just do it. In other news, he is the only frontrunning Catholic, which puts him in a good position, and recently his popularity has almost inexplicably sky-rocketed, leading many to believe that he will win in Iowa. He may have lost in Pennsylvania all those years ago, but he might just get the nomination of the country instead. There you have it folks, comprehensive as it gets, with all the major players represented. How will it play out? Heres my guess: Iowa is a wash. Santorum, Paul, and Romney are getting the top three spots (probably not in that order) and the fight will be on for New Hampshire. Historically, New Hampshire has been more telling than Iowa, but it really is anybodys game; South Carolina will be the most interesting race of all. Ron Paul has his army of fanatically loyal followers and has already issued the threat that he will not endorse anyone (Mitt Romney) else on the Republican ticket, hinting at a potential independent run which of course would be damning for the Right. At the end of the day, unless a very serious change in the political atmosphere occurs, Obama is going to walk away with the election. Out of the churches and into the streets, people! Personally, I cant think of a single reason not to support Jimmy McMillan. He is good looking, has strong beliefs, and above all: a god-like beard. And
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BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Good News folks, the results are in from Iowa, and I was totally right! Bachmann dropped out after getting only 5% of the vote, and all top four candidates (Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich) are off to New Hampshire to duke it out again. Stay tuned for further updates, not that you can get your news anywhere else now that the school stopped giving out free newspapers! And if youre upset by what you read, most likely due to you being a Left-wing pink-o socialist Commie, send a letter to the editor at <pittifulnews@gmail.com> Perhaps Ill deign a response. Boogity Boogity Boogity, Amen.
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