Jack and Jill go up the hill

To get some experience and laughter, Jill comes down, with all the Kings men, While Jack is left to watch her chase after, The Kings best man and get more experience, Than Jack could stand. And when Jack came down, Jill expects to live happily there after.
Dictionary: snog (British slang) verb- to kiss and cuddle; noun- the act of kissing and cuddling; Snog is similar to the milder meaning of to make out namely to neck.

Notes on my early relationship with Jill. Opinions about both Jacks character and behaviour are welcome. Comments about Jills behaviour and the way Jill treated Jack are welcome.

The purpose of this document is to allow me to discuss my early relationship with Jill that I found very difficult at times but for some reason I could not escape. Jill and I were virgins when we met with little experience of the opposite sex. I can only confirm these statements for myself. Jills rule was to stay a virgin until she married. My virginity was irrelevant to me. Jill changed considerably over the five and a half years we knew each other before marriage. First, let me state the facts, although they paint an unreasonably negative picture of Jill. Jill had at least thirteen relationships/boyfriends/admirers in this period during which I was her steady boyfriend. That is over two each year. She snogged possibly thirty men over this period. That was nearly six per year. If you include all the dances, she went to before meeting me, possibly ten dances, kissing an average of seven boys per night Jill had kissed or snogged possibly over one hundred men before she was 21 years old. For a sweet sixteen year old, who had never been kissed Jill possibly clocked up a century in five years. Before I list the details, I should probably say that Jills beliefs were: a) Kissing was insignificant and she took the view it was easier to let men kiss her than make a fuss. She was not very keen on it and it did very little for her. Kissing did not stimulate any sexual excitement physically or mentally and Jill assumed that this was the same for men. Jill would never think of questioning this or asking herself why men were so keen on it.

b) Any sexual fumbling , which is the word Jill used for, any situation where men tried to interfere with her body with their hands did nothing to arouse sexual excitement in Jill so she discounts this in much the same way as kissing. c) Jills intentions are only to get to know a man, talk, joke, and have some fun. If romantic feelings are aroused only then will the kissing and fumbling take on any significance. d) Jill expected me to understand these acts from her point of view. She has no idea how difficult this would be for any man who is involved with her simply because she believes all the men she met and me think like her. I found this even more difficult because she never explains to me and becomes defensive if she is told off or criticised. In addition to these points, Jills mother was always putting pressure on Jill to have several boyfriends at once and eventually dump me with the help of Jills best friend Janet. I believe that on more than one occasion Janet or other acquaintances are instructed by Jills mother to ensure that on particular nights out Jill meets and gets involved with any other man. Janet knows how to get boyfriends; she has had many. Jills father could read and write German and I would not put it past Jills mother to get Jills father to write to Jills employer who has an 18year-old daughter. The letter would suggest that the German girl Michaela arrange for Jill to meet a German boy. I find it too coincidental that Michaela asks Jill to go to a fun fair on the night that a German boy Hans is celebrating his 20th birthday. Hans is Michaelas ex-boyfriend (Jill actually says ex-fianc) ; he has many friends who he introduces to Jill next day. Yet Hans is at the fun fair with only one friend, making a dating pair ready to meet Jill and Michaela and it is a large fun fair, where the chances of meeting someone accidentally are slim. 1) The first man was not the kind of boyfriend she wanted. Janet and Jill went to the Edinburgh Mens University Association dance together. Janet was looking for a boyfriend and Jill was only thereto make-up the hunting pair. I was a bit concerned and went secretly to keep an eye on her. What I saw initially was Jill being asked to dance by up to ten different foreign men. She never turned them down and she snogged each of them on the dance floor. After this, I lost her and only caught a glimpse of her kissing someone whom l did not care for. At the end of the dance, I waited outside. Jill came out alone followed by the man she had been kissing. Jill walked rapidly away from him in the direction of Janets house. He followed her, they went into a doorway, and started to kiss her again. Alarm bells ring in my head and I went to investigate. Jill was overpowered by this man and she was scared. I stepped in and sent him running. Nothing was said. Janet came and Jill walked home with her. It was never discussed again. This was towards the end of our first year. 2) In the summer of our second year, Jill went to Bournemouth with her parents and a friend Jud from London. She went to a disco with Jud (possibly, at the suggestion of Jills mother?) Jill met a man and most likely snogged him. Later he invited her out to a bar for the evening and more snogging. Jill tried to keep this secret from me. 3) At the beginning of our third year, Jill told me she was going out with Janet to the RockerKnocker Club in Edinburgh. She told me all that she intended to do was have a few drinks, a good meal and listen to some good music. She explicitly said men were not on the agenda. I think I believe Jill. I suspect Jills mother asked Janet to take Jill out and ensure she met a new boyfriend. With considerable manoeuvring by Janet, Jill met a plumber called Harry who flattered her probably encouraged by Janet. They became intimate and he offered to drive her home. It was late and her parents were home but she invited him in for coffee.

After coffee she took him to the spare bedroom where the snogging and hugging continued on the bed. He started to remove her clothes. Jill did not resist and in fact helped. This continued until she was only wearing her bra, pants and underskirt. Jill then noticed Harry was naked and felt his erect penis pressing into her when he snogged her again on the bed. She stopped the undressing when her father shouted from his bedroom that it was 3.00 am and her guests should leave. Jill arranged to see Harry a week later when her parents would be away on holiday and she would be alone in the house. She was supposedly still a virgin. She asked me not to come round on the day Harry was coming. I was told only hat she met him at the club. I was not going to put up with two-timing and gave Jill the choice: she could see him a week later and I would be finished with her or she could cancel her date and break off all contact with him completely and I would come round on that day. She took the full six days to cancel but not completely, they had arranged he would phone the next day. I had to work on her for four more days before she told him on his third phone call that her decision was final and not to call again. After this, Jill and I went on a hiking holiday. We met a fellow hiker and Jill flirts with him openly in my presence. I never let her out of my sight except when we go to the separate sleeping quarters in the hostel. She was still flirting with him the next day. 4) A year later Jill decided to start dating other men secretly with Janet being party to the conspiracy. Jill picked Saturday afternoons when I normally studied and saw her in the evening. I do not know how many dates there were but one Friday night I probably indicated that I might come round after lunch on Saturday. She told me she would be out all day with Janet and one of Janets boyfriends John. On Saturday, I went round to Jills earlier than usual. She had not had time to remove her makeup, perfume, and best clothes. Jill no longer put these on for me. She had obviously been trying to make a good impression. I knew immediately that she has been on a date with a man, who turned out to be a University student named Chris. I left early pretending I had a headache (which indeed this development was) Jill hoped to see him again which she did for coffee but he dumped her for some reason. 5) In Schleswig Holstein, she met Hans Neuwitz a shift worker at a bakery. It is love at first sight on her first night and for most of her 81 days, she is involved in a summer romance with sex possibly without a condom. She also kisses/snogs an amazing number of men. She allows men several men to take her alone in their cars or ships. She is taking considerable risks because she knows nothing about these men. She goes with anyone who asks her. I discuss this infatuation below and these men below. Jill only remembers one of them who nearly succeeded in forcing Jill to have sex with him. Jill was lucky. These other men are: 6) After she gave up work in Schleswig Holstein, Jill was living off money from her parents in a hotel. Her parents gave Jill the money on condition that she would study to retake two out of the three University examinations she had failed. She lied to her parents; Jill had no intension of revising. She wanted the money to enable her to stay in Heiligenhafen to chase after Hans and meet other German men. There was a barbeque at the beach soon after she stops work. Here she snogs with a cook who takes her behind some sand dunes away from the others for twenty minutes. He probably tried more than just kissing; Jill never told me, and she returns to the group after twenty minutes. This man was the cook at the restaurant she had been working in. They had been living in the same quarters and walking to and from work for three weeks together and worked together every day. He was apparently only a

7)

8)

9)

10)

friend. The group included an Irish girl Maureen who takes Jills job. There are two Spanish men who worked at the restaurant as well as two German men from Frankfurt. All of the men worked with her at the restaurant. There are also two German girls whom Jill and Maureen think are sluts but I do not know why. Jill never admitted to kissing any of the other men but two are leaving and this barbeque is to say goodbye to them. Jill may well have kissed them goodbye. She may have kissed all the men since Maureen at some point makes a disapproving comment about the number of men Jill kisses. Jill could have clocked up five men tonight and I seem to recall they discuss this walking home. Jill is sensitive about this and there was a lot of beer about, so maybe Jill for once feels some regret. Probably no girl has ever been so disapproving and critical before. Jill is so mortified at being called a bit of a tart she hits back at Maureen and calls her a tart because she has big breasts, does not wear a bra, and her nipples are very visible through her clothes. Jill probably said all the men were staring at your breasts and nipples all night. They remained friends. At this time, Jill always wore a bra. She does not any longer and Jills nipples often show through her clothes. I quite like it. She next met an ex German soldier who had been shot in the throat. I do not know how or where she meets the next three men. Jill arranged to go for a trip in this soldiers car. They ended up in a beach hut presumably for some intimacy and kissing. He puts his hand up her skirt (I was never told what exactly he did.) Jill walked back to the car park at some time after this. Her next suitor was a member of the German Airforce. Again, Jill arranged to go out sightseeing with him in his car. This was quite an enjoyable day and he treated her to a meal. On the way home, he stopped the car somewhere quiet. As usual, there was kissing and he tried to do what the soldier did. Jill did not stop him because she felt she owed him some pleasure in exchange for the day out and the meal. I suspect she let him feel between her legs with his hand outside her pants. When he put his hand inside her pants, I suspect she stopped him. I found this behaviour of sexual pleasure as a reward very disturbing because where would Jill draw the line.. Jill would not tell me exactly what happened. After the man from the airforce she met an older man who had something to do with a passenger shipping line. He was possibly a Captain. He offered to take her on a trip to Denmark on a ship. Jill refused a meal but accepted a large bar of chocolate. They spend the whole trip drinking French wine and they picked up more wine in Denmark. She had good fun. She did not admit to anything but she must have been drunk and snogging is on the cards. The final man she dated in Schleswig Holstein I think was a waiter Dork Lurke who worked at a restaurant where she had been eating. He was quite attractive and was the first man she actually fancied. Over a period of a couple of days, he took her out in his car to collect different beer glasses. He eventually took her to a grassy secluded hill and they lie down and snog. He then unzips his trousers, pulled down his trousers and pants revealing his erect penis. He wanted Jill to masturbate his penis or give him oral sex. He indicated this by placing Jills hand on his penis. For some unknown reason Jill did not put an end to this immediately. She just lay there snogging holding his penis. She says she did not wish to give the impression she was prudish. Jills rule at age 16 was never to touch a penis until her wedding night. He then, according to Jill, tried to put it in. There was some sort of struggle during which she breaks his watchstrap. Eventually, she stood up, pulled up her pants, and

walked to the car. Exactly what happened I do not know? There were other men Jill met whom I am told did not involve kissing. She spent a lot of time at the beach in a tiny bikini. She met an American and they played Frisbee on the beach. On travelling to Schleswig Holstein, she met two Americans on the train. She met a couple with a male friend of theirs who took her to Denmark by car. Just as she stopped work, an Irish girl Maureen replaces her. For the last two or three weeks Maureen also gives up work but Maureen has no money so Jill and Maureen sleep together in Jills single bed at Jills hotel. Maureen and Jill go hitch hiking to various places. Goodness knows whom she met then. They are often back late and the hotel is closed so they sleep in a disused cinema. This was Jill away from home and unsupervised. It reflects on her quite badly. 11) At the Natural Philospophy 1972 Christmas party, we are not together all the time. There are both lecturers and students there and we all know each other and dancing with different people. I seem to remember a particular lecturer spending a lot of time dancing and chatting up Jill. I was pretty, drunk and not totally, aware of everything that was happening. They may have kissed and he possibly bought her some drinks. This lecturer was married but he had a reputation as a womaniser. I tell the story below, but the gist is that he forces his way into our taxi and snogs Jill, who is sitting right next to me for 25 minutes. Afterwards Jill says nothing. Was this her inner tart rewarding him for buying her drinks? Was it just another random case of kissing strangers? 12) Her penultimate boyfriend, as far as I know, was an older student called Bill. She would meet him after lecturers for coffee. He would buy her gifts. This supposedly platonic relationship started at the end of 1972 until we were engaged in 1973. I knew about Bill; that is I knew what I was told about Bill. As usual, I studied on a Saturday. About a week before we were engaged, I went round to Jills house. Her mother had just picked up the phone. It was Jill and her mother passed the phone on to me. Jill told me she was on a bus to Edinburgh from Penicuik but it had broken down and she had to wait two hours for the next bus. I asked why she was on the bus. I was told she was with Bill but no one was to know she wanted it to be a secret. I passed the phone back to her mother without saying anything and walked out. Jill was forcing me to become engaged. If I did not she would go out with other men while I was in Switzerland and Cambridge. She made it clear that if I did not ask her to marry me she was going to end the relationship. Then she told me while I was in Cambridge that unless I set a date for the Wedding immediately after she finished University she would break off the engagement. 13) Last but probably not least, there was me her faithful boyfriend who was difficult but surprisingly enduring. I used to love snogging Jill for hours.

During the year I was in Cambridge, after we were engaged Jill told me of two male students who met her for coffee after lectures. They were supposed to be friends only. Jills history demonstrates that kissing male friends was par for the course. I guess this is why they hung around with her even although she was engaged. Jills self-preservation system would convince her to keep these male friends interested. I can only say that the men did exist, the kissing, and reasoning are purely assumptions. Jills mother was still trying to persuade Jill that I was not serious about getting married particularly because her mother had never liked me and did not want Jill to marry me. Jills mother probably encouraged these male friends and Jill could not dismiss what her mother was telling her.

Jills mother had probably heard via the Janet Broadcasting channel that Jill and I were having sex. Her mother had always preached to Jill that once a Jill had sex with a man they would lose interest in her and dump her. Jill was always asking me to confirm my intensions. I continually replied to Jill reminding her that it was Hans, who did this and I had never thought about doing so. The only boyfriend that had full penetrative sex with Jill was Hans and I spend a lot of time reasoning this out here. Harry the plumber did very well in one night so he is also discussed in detail. The kissing and snogging did nothing for my respect for her and I thought it made her appear a bit of a tart some way. Her behaviour in Schleswig Holstein seemed was risky, showed low moral standards, and was too casual and undiscerning. The important question I try to answer here is why did Jill behave like this and why did I put up with it. Jill and her friend Emily often cycled to Turnhouse airport. Emily was quite unspoken. I used to do the same with a friend and the summer before I met Jill, I remember meeting two girls on bicycles travelling in the opposite direction. As we passed, the larger girl shouted, She fancies you, the dark haired one. The other girl was embarrassed. I was the dark haired one. We stopped our bicycles, as did the girls for a few minutes while we looked at each other. Then the girls laughed and moved on. I do not know if it was Jill and Emily, but when I saw Jill at the dance where I met her she was the first girl, I focussed on and for some reason I was determined to get off with her. Maybe I had met her before. I also often went to a newsagent in Cramond on my bicycle alone. This was very close to where Jill lived and the bus stop she used to get into town was outside the newsagents shop. Jill called in there after school to buy sweets and other items. I could have seen her there or she could have seen me and decided she fancied me. Her friend Emily used the same bus stop. However, Jill never let on that she had seen me before and I had no conscious memory of meeting or seeing her before. I found Jill attractive, sexy, fun, I loved her English accent, and I was defying my father having an English girlfriend and getting away with it. Jill became someone I depended on to get away from home. Jill was slightly rebellious; she had terrific legs and liked to show them off in short mini-skirts. She was a girl of the sixties while at home we still lived in the 50s. I liked her facial features and thought she was terrifically attractive. I was proud to have her as my girlfriend and she raised my self-esteem. I do not think I loved her romantically by the time we eventually got married. We will see that romantic love is just infatuation caused by brain chemistry. True love also is controlled by brain chemistry. In fact, all love is emotion generated by chemicals from the brain. I still had jealousy though that maybe I thought was love. They are often confused and are emotions generated by brain chemistry. When I first told her I loved her, I did not know if I had any real emotion; I just felt that it was probably the right time to say this. This lack of real emotion, with jealousy as a substitute probably enabled me to put up with all she did. Maybe you might think this was the reason Jill did these things and that may be true. However, all our emotions are the interpretation of different mixes of brain chemicals attached to a context; since my brain chemistry is different because I am bipolar, it may be that my emotions, chemistry, and contexts are mixed up. It is well known that women are known to be much more emotional than men are. A mans brain is compartmentalised and men concentrate in one compartment at a time. All the compartments in a womans brain are connected by emotions and contexts, and all compartments can be active at any time; they find it difficult to focus on one thought at a time. Men can switch off their brains by going fishing for example. A woman cannot stop thinking and planning.

I have spent a couple of years trying to justify Jills behaviour. I start with the trip to Schleswig Holstein.

The Rebel Theory

In the adolescent brain the pre-front cortex does not fully mature until about age 25. This area of the brain is involved in impulse control, decision-making, planning and organization as well as emotions and other functions. The adult response to stimuli is more intellectual, the adolescent response comes more from the gut (an automatic response from the so-called reptile brain.) High dopamine levels make an adolescent rebel against the social norms and rules and take risks particularly when not supervised. Although Jill was allowed to rebel at home, I was seen as a problem restricting Jills exposure to men. When she goes to Schleswig Holstein she and her mother are now of the same mind. They believe at least on one-girl many-boy shallow relationships. (I do not know if they also would support one-boy many-girl relationships. I do not think both of these models can work in coexistence.) I feel that this approach comes from a very arrogant importance of the female over male. I do not think humans conformed to this model agreed with nature where the male is dominant. The outcome of this will be a very strong rebellion to this control I of which I was supposedly guilty. I pleaded not guilty since I believed in the more equal on-boy one-girl deeper relationships. I still believe that Jills mother preached a model of relationships that only applies where the woman has very high status is very beautiful, very popular, or very undiscerning. I think her mother over stated her own situation. She seems only to have had three boyfriends who she treated quite badly. In Jills case as her mother had kept telling Jill she does have an awkward face that needs to be viewed from certain angles to look best and if you dislike a long angular chin in a woman she will not attract you. Unlike her mother, Jill has very small breasts, which are not an asset. Jill was also more socially awkward than her mother was, had less confidence than her mother had, and could not handle men like her mother. I will always believe that the one-girl multiple-men model was dangerous for Jill and Jill could never have handled it. I may not have been the best choice for Jill, but I truly believe I saved Jill more than once from much less desirable men than me. I was under the circumstances very faithful to Jill. With Jills, happier and freer home life, Jill was the more rebellious of the two of us. I was constrained not to rebel too obviously by my fear of my father. Consequently, I could never let myself go as Jill could. I suppose I found this attractive in Jill. Jill was fed up with and ready to rebel against, her parents, University, and my suffocating nature so when she was unsupervised in Schleswig Holstein with high levels of dopamine, she took risks, behaved irresponsibly and to some extent, rebelliously as many adolescents do. Her behaviour was unpredictable and abnormal in some ways but quite normal in context of teenage rebellion. Jill had lived the 60s; she had been allowed to listen to popular music. She loved the Beatles and had a crush on Paul McArtney but she never saw them live. Her mother liked popular music although her father thought it was jungle music. She was allowed to buy her own clothes, wear makeup, and choose her own hairstyle. At night in bed she listened to all the off shore radio stations like Radio Emily and Radio Luxembourg. She was allowed to see all the James Bond films in the cinema and

found James Bond very attractive. She was allowed to watch Top of the Pops and other programs like that on TV. She was allowed to watch David Frost. She had seen nude boys and girls and had removed her knickers and spread her legs in front of boys as an initiation ceremony to join a club when she lived in London. In London, she had been to a party in some bards with older teenagers. In one barn, girls were showing their breasts and pussies to boys and boys were showing their erect penises to girls. Some were having sex openly. She was only about 11 years old and left the barn once she had seen everything that was going on. On holiday with her parents, she often went around topless since her breasts were so small and there are pictures of her in Schleswig Holstein sunbathing topless sitting with her parents. With her parents, she had driven around Europe and had been on holiday with her parents and Janet. Jill and Janet lay on the beach and attracted many Italian men to join them. Jill went on a skiing holiday with Janet and Janets parents to Aviemore. She also went on holiday with her friend Emily to a hotel in Cornwall or Devon. This was just the two young girls alone possibly at age 15 or 16, just as boys were becoming interesting. I never had any experiences like Jill and I was not allowed by my father to live in the 60s. We lived in the 50s, had caravan holidays and I was never allowed to go on holiday alone to a hotel with a friend. In Scotland, it was too cold to have sexy barn parties and I would never have been invited to go anyway. I never even had a birthday party in my whole life organised by my parents. I had no friends to speak of, just one boy whom I had always to chase up. He was worse than I was at keeping friendships. Although Jill had all this experience and freedom, she was very immature about sex, boys, and the new sexual liberalism of the 60s. As a boy I had purchased copies of Penthouse to educate myself about girls bodies although at that time there were no open leg pictures. The man Jill met at the Mens University Association had a magazine full of pictures of girls with their legs wide open and men with erect penises and he had forced Jill to look at them and tell him if she liked them. I also bought a book on sex, which I read from cover to cover. I learnt everything about sex from this book from a for anal sex, through k for kissing, m for female masturbation, o for oral sex, and v for vaginal sex. From the letters and articles in Penthouse, I learnt how men seduce women. The only thing I did not learn was that women though about sex differently from men and that they only became aroused very slowly instead of instantly for men. I always thought Jill derived the same sexual excitement from kissing and men touching her as they did. Although she was 20 when she went, I think she still was a very immature 20 years old. I think as well as being suffocating I was too straight for Jill. Even although we were having sex, I was insisting on using spermicidal foam and a condom to make sure Jill did not become pregnant. Each month I worried if her period was late. I think I even had her take her temperature every morning to monitor her cycle. She often went out with her girlfriends (who were with their boyfriends) skating, attending rugby matches and other events. I would not go with them for fear of making a fool of myself and I felt inferior to the other boyfriends. When Jill and I were in Bournemouth with her parents, we attended a Deep Purple concert. Jill found the singer or lead guitarist very sexy. Towards the end of concert, fans were leaving their seats and pushing forward to the stage. Jill was in there with them and this shocked me slightly while I sat bolt upright in my seat demising this mass euphoria. This was Jill allowing her teenage rebel loose while mine was suppressed. When we first met, Jill felt good about being out too late on the first night we met, our sexual exploits that developed very slowly were rebellious. Then this excitement was denied her and she felt she had not experienced enough rebellious behaviour.

Janet and her mother coupled with a serious of events persuaded Jill that she needed experience men who might be more exciting and less suffocating than I had become. She had a rule that there was to be no sex with other men unless some man replaced my position in her affections i.e. as someone who might marry her and she truly loved. My thoughts when I first met Jill were that I would have at most three weeks with her before she would start looking for another boyfriend. In fact, I had three years with her before this happened but after such a long time I could not understand, allow or accept this.

Infatuation Theory 1 Love at First Night Random

Infatuation or romantic love is very passionate and often leads to true love, given time or it dies. Jill and I were not infatuated with each other suddenly. We instead became friends with a slow burning infatuation or romantic love that lasted about three years I think we assumed we were in true love but it was a slow burning romantic love not true love. It never had the intensity of an infatuation that fired up quickly; an infatuation that was just as quickly exterminated. We had an immature teen romantic love that was slow to light and burned out very slowly. Dear Jill: Infatuation is an involuntary state of mind that can be triggered when you meet an attractive and special man. Infatuation also can be triggered by men who you feel indifferent about when there is a certain mix of chemicals in your brain. In this latter case, the feelings of euphoria are mistakenly attributed to any man who is with you at the time the feelings start. It has a powerful effect on the brain and you can often lose conscious control of your thoughts and actions. Your brain can come under the control of your so-called reptilian brain that controls your desire to procreate the species. Nature designed it for exactly this purpose. True love can follow this is sex is satisfying and this was designed to keep the couple together to raise any children. Although there may have been no sexual desire before infatuation, even if the euphoria has been associated with a random man, the reptilian brain can control your decisions about sex overruling your own moral code and rules. Sometimes, consummation of the infatuation is disappointing and never lives up to the fantasy, which plays a large part in infatuation. When consummation does live up to the fantasy, it can lead to true love. Love, Jack.

1) Novelty
High concentrations of dopamine in the brain are associated with exposure to a novel environment. Examples include arriving in a foreign country, moving to University in a different town and the nature of the location, by the sea, a fairground etc. Increased levels of dopamine are also associated with heightened attention. Dopamine increases testosterone and sexual desire.

2) Stress and Anxiety

When people are in a threatening situation that causes stress, they produce norepinephrine, a chemical signal created in the brain to produce fight or flight responses in the body. Anxiety can also flood the brain with norepinephrine. Recent studies have shown that individuals exhibiting

introverted personality behaviours produce more norepinephrine over longer periods. Norepinephrine increases testosterone and sexual desire.

3) Depression
Recent studies have shown that imbalances in serotonin levels are involved in depression. Doctors often treat patients with serotonin reuptake inhibitors (eg Prozac) because these medications can help to regulate serotonin levels. It is the role that serotonin plays in depression that perhaps is of most interest. People with depression have measurable 'imbalances' in the brain's neurotransmitters; low levels of serotonin are believed to play a critical role. Low serotonin levels lead to obsessive-compulsive behaviour.

4) Joy
PEA, a compound naturally produced by the brain, is responsible for the feeling of experiences associated with pleasure and mental awareness. For example, when one is absorbed by an activity like painting, sculpting, or reading a fascinating book, when the world around seems suspended and nothing can disturb us, when worries vanish and hunger goes away, in such moments PEA is being produced by the brain. Likewise, PEA is released in the brain when one experiences the feelings of fun and joy. PEA increases testosterone and sexual desire. In women, as in men, the level of testosterone control your sexual desires, the higher the level, the more you desire sex. Since several of the above chemicals, increase testosterone there is a high sexual tension in infatuation especially if you are already sexually active. Finally, excess caffeine can mimic some of the signs of infatuation; too much caffeine late at night speeds up the rhythm of the heart, causes more frequent shorter breath taking, and sweating. Combined with increased alertness these effects can be misattributed as infatuation.

Implications
Anxiety and fear facilitate infatuation partly by a process of misattribution i.e., explaining your emotional turmoil as due to passionate feelings for the man who happens to be nearby. Fear and anxiety are quite commonly misattributed to infatuation. This is possibly because fear and anxiety create butterflies in the stomach, increase your heart rate, make your breaths faster and shorter, and you start to sweat. If you are having fun with a new man who has, something sexy about him you can misattribute the physical and emotional feelings to him. There is also a tendency to cling to others for support when frightened, an effect called affiliation under anxiety. Jill was extremely anxious and having attributed her emotional turmoil with Hans, she is the type to cling to him for support. When hormones and natural opioids are activated, you start drawing connections to the person who was present when those good feelings were created. You think someone made you feel good, but your brain made you feel good. You think you are in romantic love with this man with whom you have spent an enjoyable evening. You are infatuated with this man and most likely, he was just a

random man who was with you at this time. This is the danger of infatuation; you do not choose the man by whom you are infatuated. His personality and character are not seriously considered.

Transference
Dear Jill: Your infatuation could have some elements of transference love. Transference love is a rerun of a past relationship transferred with a new partner. Often psychologists view romantic transference as more infantile and the girls, who display it, are quite dependent. For instance, you may unconsciously see a man as your first boyfriend, and then act the way you did with that first boyfriend. If you had unresolved issues with your first boyfriend, you may unconsciously try to resolve those issues with this man (as if this man was your first boyfriend). Often transference love is unconscious, but it can be conscious your romantic feelings are strong. Does this man remind you of someone? What are some unique characteristics about this man that attract you to him? Does he remind you of someone in your past or do you see some characteristics about him, which resemble a significant others characteristics that may be a sign you have transference love. Love, Jack. However, the following other factors can contribute: 1) Sex Mediated Differences in Travel Experiences. This theory accounts for the following real world observations: a woman is more likely to have a fling in a foreign country than at home. For the typical woman, travelling abroad can be an excuse to meet men who speak a foreign language with an adorable accent. The science behind the Sex and Travel Theory is simple: women crave men with higher status than themselves, and territorial familiarity or territorial mastery is one form of status signalling. Local foreign men, who know the land, the people, and the language, appeal to a woman abroad. By dint of their local knowledge and proficiency with the culture, they become higher status than the travelling, woman, no matter what her relative income, or social status back home. As a result, the travelling woman is primed to perceive foreign men as higher status than herself, and thus more sexually attractive. 2) Recent investigations show that whether women are looking for a short-term or long-term relationship is critical in how they react to men's voices. Though women said the deeper voices were more sexy and attractive in general, they dramatically found the deeper voices much more sexy and desirable when considering them as prospects for short-term encounters such as an infatuation.

The favoured chemical explanation of infatuation focuses on a molecule called PEA: phenyl ethylamine, a kind of natural amphetamine that revs up the brain and the central nervous system. PEA causes the experience of euphoria, hyperventilation, increased heart rate, dilated pupils, and secretions of odours that can seduce an unsuspecting love object. It also increases testosterone. The eye of the resulting chemical storm is in the reptile brain. Two separate researchers used magnetic resonance imaging to explore the neural basis of infatuation. The brains of their infatuated volunteers lit up precisely in that deep region known as the caudate nucleus: the site of the reptilian brain, thought to be 65 million years old in evolutionary terms. The reptilian brain connects directly with the limbic system, where the chemical storms, leading to infatuation, almost certainly have their physical origin. In infatuation, reason and

conscious control is overruled by the primitive limbic and reptilian brains, stimulating cascades of PEA in the central nervous system. At the same time, adrenaline levels are boosted, prompting the release of a chemical called dopamine. Dopamine is associated with highly targeted attention, stamina, energy, all focused on reward and feeling very good. As these powerful chemicals run riot down the neuronal pathways, they dilute and cancel out the nerve chemical called serotonin. Serotonin normally controls impulses, unruly passions, and obsessive behaviour: it aids the sense of power over action, the feeling of "being in control. A severe depletion of serotonin can induce panic, anxiety, queasiness, manic behaviour, depression, and obsession: "I can't get him out of my mind I'm thinking about him all the time." There is a need the constant fix of encounters with the person associated with the infatuation. This can only lead to further drenching of PEA, resulting in even more drastic loss of serotonin. This explains the highs experienced, the out-of-control symptoms of possessiveness, goose pimples, butterflies in the stomach, restlessness, inability to concentrate, sleeplessness: that generalised delicious ecstasy called infatuation. Jills brain was in a highly emotional state before she met Hans who was not particularly attractive or handsome. He was skinny; Jill did not really fancy him. My jealousy and doubts about whether we were compatible, University life, and her parents were depleting her mental strength and lowering her serotonin. Jill was desperate for space and freedom. The stress and anxiety she experienced getting to Heiligenhafen on the Baltic Sea in Schleswig Holstein, changing planes, finding Railway Stations and the correct trains had raised her levels of norepinephrine. She was exceedingly anxious about surviving and doing her job in Schleswig Holstein. She cried all day before she went and could hardly pack her case. Finally, there is the novelty and stimulation of being at a funfair in the evening of her arrival where she was introduced to Hans, and in a Baltic Sea holiday resort in Schleswig Holstein, increases her dopamine levels. Being specially introduced to new German man with his German accent, deep voice and his higher travel status and having a great, deal of fun introduces the joy and triggers the release of PEA. Between anxiety and fun, Jills brain chemistry is in a state infatuation or romantic love. Hans was the man she believed was responsible for the euphoria she was experiencing, but in reality, her own brain and emotional state was solely responsible. (If Jill had not gone to the fair staying at home for the first night and she had met him later in her stay he would just have been a local German boy.) If Jill also had a cup of coffee with him late at night, the caffeine could cause additional arousal contributing to her feelings, since caffeine can increase the rate of the heart and breathing and alertness. Finally, he uses a classic move and takes her somewhere more private where they can be alone: a romantic setting, walking along the beach, hand in hand, late at night and stopping to kiss her causes a second massive release of PEA. Michaela asked Jill to go with her to the fair. Michaela had planned to introduce Hans to Jill; he was a former boyfriend of Michaela and she was her employers 18-year-old daughter. Hans was at the fair with a male friend celebrating his 20th birthday. He was a special random man It seems clear that Hans wanted to make a good impression on Jill; possibly, because it was his birthday and he was already a bit drunk (he liked his beer). Possibly, he wanted to embarrass Michaela or make her jealous. His contribution to enhancing Jills emotions cannot be discounted and his attentions would flatter Jill. Jill was encouraged to drink German beer that she likes a lot.

It is a very warm summer and it quenches her thirst and is very easy to drink. He was taking advantage of her emotional vulnerability to infatuation. After a couple of beers, Hans is easy to talk to and he becomes the person to whom she would cling for support. Michaela and his friend soon leave them alone. Later that evening and in the early hours of the next morning, they are walking hand in hand and talking. It is a warm, moonlit night, the stars are shining, and now they are walking hand in hand along a beach. Jill loves the smell of the sea and the sound of the waves crashing into the shore. As a child, she loved holidays by the sea on a sandy beach. Beaches are the places where she has sexual fantasies. They are very romantic. These existing emotions about beaches are misattributed to Hans who is holding her hand. Hence, when he stops walking to kiss her it becomes an intensely romantic moment she still remembers today. Jill was definitely obsessed with him when she went to sleep, awoke, and was given the next day off work as she had been out very late and slept in. She sought him out, then when he introduced her to his friends saying Ich liebe dieses Mdchen Jill became totally, infatuated or falls madly in romantic love with Hans. Jill, feeling rebellious and slightly irresponsible, decided to go along with this feeling of love or infatuation. Why not, there was no one who could stop her or prevent her, she was abroad alone and could behave as she wanted. It is her first experience of romantic love and it feels much stronger than anything she had ever felt for me. Of course, the statement Ich liebe dieses Mdchen is as ambiguous in German as it is in English. It could mean romantic love but in its context and given that he is speaking to his friends Hans meant like. With the memories and excitement of the night before Jill wanted to assume Hans means romantic love. The barriers to her relationship with Hans, which include the fact she would only be there for nine weeks and that he was working class while she was middle class, only served to make the infatuation feel more intense.

Infatuation Theory 2 the Two Day Version - Specific

It is possible my recollection of the first two days as described above is misleading and without Jills diary that she kept up in Schleswig Holstein, it is now impossible to verify. All Jill can remember now is the romantic walk on the beach and a kiss. Jill wanted more of this fun and romance but she was possibly not completely infatuated at the end of the first night. I wrote in my diary that Jill developed the crush on Hans on the second day after Hans tells his friends Ich liebe dieses Mdchen. This was translated literally and wishfully interpreted by Jill as romantic love remembering the walk on the beach the night before. Then Jill has a second rush of phenyl ethylamine (PEA); the first resulted from the fun she had the night before. Her emotions ran riot after he said this, and for the rest of the day the infatuation built up. Hans had automatically established his higher status as a local German lad. He had already told Jill to come to him if she had any problems. Since there is a tendency to cling to others for support when frightened, an effect called affiliation under anxiety, Jill was already clinging to Hans. It is not clear how much part the beer had in persuading Jill that he was easy to talk to, had a kind face and a deep, sexy, German voice, and made something of a fuss of her. This infatuation with Hans was much more intense than anything Jill has ever experienced because of the state of her brain chemistry at the time. It is enhanced by Hanss status as a German with a

deep voice and her need to find someone to whom she can cling. It is enhanced by her pleasurable childhood memories of holidays by the sea in Bournemouth. Beaches are a very romantic place for Jill especially being alone on a beach with a man. It is enhanced by the fact that there can be no future for it; it is only a summer romance. It is enhanced by the warm summer heat and the long evenings. It is enhanced by Jills freedom and lack of supervision. Jill says in her diary, I love Peter so much. He has such a kind face and he understands me. I am so lucky to have found my true love and I never, ever want to lose him. The nature of infatuation or romantic love is that it is temporary. The more rapidly it starts, and the intensity it reaches determine how long it will last as if there is a limited supply of the essential brain neurotransmitters. This is very similar to the manic phase in bipolar syndrome, which is similar. Jills infatuation is so intense that it is in the realm of a mental illness. Inevitably, the infatuation will burn out very quickly with such an intense case true love is unlikely to take its place.

The Battle Ground: my father, Jills mother

Jill and I had very different upbringings. Jills parents were fairly-rich-middle- class and Conservative. They were very careful with their money. My parents were rather-poor-middle-class and Labour. Jill and I were well indoctrinated by our parents. Jills family were English and my family were Scottish. My father was the more critical of the English than Jills mother was of the Scottish and my father was jealous of the fact that Jills father had not been in the army during the war and that he was a successful business man. Sometimes Jill and I would clash on politics or other social attitudes. I was the one who suggested to Jill that she teach German. This meant she had to spend three months in Schleswig Holstein. As it happened she did not get a MA honours in German so the whole trip to Schleswig Holstein was unnecessary. Jill and I had decided to save up and go youth hostelling there. Jill was given permission by her parents; my father forbade me to go for his own personal prejudices. As usual, I had to obey my father and Jill did not understand since I could not tell her the real reason. After our holiday in Bournemouth with her parents, my father interfered again. He was thinking marriage was on the cards and we would embarrass him at the reception because we could not dance so he strongly encouraged both of us to go to dancing lessons. Jills mother was furious but reluctantly coughed up the money. Like her father, Jill had two left feet, and every lesson caused an argument. After a few weeks, I dropped out. Jill continued for a couple of weeks but eventually dropped out. Jills mother was again furious because we had paid for all lessons in advance and there was no refund. Jill would strongly react against my fathers interference that she would see as match making. Jills parents had friends who had a son Alan Reed. Alan was about the same age as Jill and Jills mother thought he would make an excellent husband for Jill. Jills mother always pushed Alan and Jill together at as many social events as possible. Jill resisted being matched by her mother in principal and never found Alan at all attractive. Next Jill arranged for us to go out with Janet and her current boyfriend (of which there were many) John. John and Janet were having an argument when we arrived at the pub or club. After a few drinks, everyone became involved in this argument. Janets parents were rich and conservative; John and I were poorer and Labour. After some more drinks, it was John and I against Janet and Jill. John

and I started to sling some mud against both girls parents; we were drunk and a bit overheated. I thought it was just a bit of fun and teasing. I thought nothing of it afterwards but a week later Jill told me I was in trouble. Janet had told her parents everything that was said the week before. Janets parents had told Jills parents and Jills parent wanted to see me. Janet and her parents were sneaky, troublemakers whom I had never liked. I think their behaviour was despicable. I had to face up to a very grim Mr Nesbit and apologize for what I had said although I did not change my mind. I had encouraged Jill to keep a diary as did. I was quite angry about what had happened, and fed up with Jills parents especially her mother who seemed to hate me. I was frustrated that I automatically used on my fathers doctrine. I was also fed up of Jills mother always trying to get Jill away from me and persuading Jill I was no good and Jill had to find someone else. This is how I felt at this time even if it was not completely true. Over the years, I saw was Jills mother and father arguing and I thought her mother was regretting her marriage and taking this out on me. I expressed all this rather bluntly in my diary. I told Jill I was only going to see her once per week although this did not last long. Jill and I were in the habit of exchanging diaries in the new-year. When Jill read my diary and my views on her best friend Janet, Janets parents, and Jills parents she was very angry. She said I had totally misrepresented her family; she added that she and I were very different in so many ways and she could not see us ever resolving these differences. These differences had always been there as I noted above. Early in our relationship, it had a positive novel effect on our feelings. Now these differences were viewed totally, negatively. Soon after Jill decided, she had to meet other men in secret and in Schleswig Holstein. It was a reaction to my fathers interference, and the fallout from all that Janets reporting had caused. Janet and possibly Jills mother were co-conspirators in both; Janet received the first letter from Schleswig Holstein probably telling Janet all about Hans. This problem affected me in a similar way; I was thinking of finding a new girlfriend and this is when I started to make Jill feel bad about herself. Of course, with my problems, described below, I never made any effort to find a new girlfriend and I resented the fact that for Jill with Janets, and Maureens help it was easy for Jill. When rebelling in Schleswig Holstein as a foreign English and attractive girl, lying on the beach in a bikini, she would attract men like flies and she took up all offers. I had always found Janet a problem. At the Mens University Association Janet liked foreign men. Janet was looking for a boyfriend at the Mens University Association. Janet deliberately got Jill talking to Harry the plumber at the club. Jill wanted to refuse the lift home. Janet persuaded Jill to accept it. Jill did not want to invite Harry in for coffee. It was Janet Harry wanted to get rid of forcing Jill to take him to the spare bedroom. Janet was involved in Jills decision to meet other men secretly. Janet provided the men. Janet caused problems every Christmas. Janet started sleeping around with many men and once had two men in her bed at once. I hated Janet. Janets mother caused my sister a lot of pain over the bridesmaid dresses for our wedding. The whole family were weird but very close friends with all the Nesbits. Janet set a bad example. Janet had several boyfriends some at the same time. Janet would go off on holiday to Greece alone for men and sex. Janet started to have sex long before Jill did. Jills other friend Emily only had the one boyfriend but she had been having sex for a long time. Indeed Emily became pregnant while Jill was in Schleswig Holstein.

I blame Janet and her parents for putting their part in weakening our relationship. Jill and I had known each other three years; our slow burning infatuation was now just smouldering and we were at the critical point where the romantic love turns to true love or dies. Anything negative that happened at this crucial time could have a huge effect on the future of our relationship. Janet and her parents set the stage for Jill to want some freedom to experiment with other men. I hold Janet responsible for being a catalyst leading to what happened at the Mens University Association, the Rocker-Knocker Club, the secret dating, and ultimately what happened in Schleswig Holstein. Jills need for freedom Schleswig Holstein was necessary because Janets idea of dating other men secretly with men Janet provided started a snowball rolling down a snow-covered hill. When I found out about these secret dates, my jealousy and possessiveness or suffocating behaviour became a problem that stopped Jill doing what she wanted. Her only option was to defer her urges until Schleswig Holstein and the snowball became larger and larger, moved faster and faster until it was unstoppable. Jills desire to date other men became a much wider desire for freedom, space, fun, and romance. Janet started this with the small snowball of telling her awful parents about the argument. Funnily enough, we stayed in Janets house for my younger sisters wedding many years later. We had two young boys. Janet never had children. Janet and her husband, a later generation boyfriend, were away. When Janet returned, she screamed at Jill down the phone about the state of the house, the bathroom, the kitchen, the bins and a broken wooden ruler and never spoke to Jill again for 30 years. It was only about a little dirt. Unfortunately, they now exchange letters again at Christmas. Janet is in the same house we supposedly wrecked despite having inherited about 2,500,000.00 from her parents. Janet is just like her parents who hoarded their money.

Jack
From the beginning of the year 1972, I had been getting less and less impressed by Jill; her attractiveness, her hair, her skin, her character, her dithering and slowness, and her perpetual chatter and the dealings with other men. Of course, I am not aware that she is depressed or even what that would mean. Depression could explain many of my concerns. I am not one that hides my feelings well and Jill correctly deduced that my interest in her had waned. This was made worse by my infatuation with Natural Philospophy, when, I achieved top place and the medal at the end of the academic year I was high. This only made me more aloof. I had decided in January to look for a new girlfriend but had not made sensible plans. Life has taught me that I do not make friends easily but I am very good at losing friends. I probably made a very good job of losing Jill. When I saw her for the last time, I was not bothered, except that she was my backup and I did not want her to do anything against my rules no sex, or nakedness etc. Kissing and snogging I knew I had to suffer. I was unable to talk to Jill about these rules since I knew she might just do exactly what I did not want to spite me. I thought the less said the better. Why was I behaving like this?

Attraction Disorder (Jack)

My mother had severe post-natal depression after my birth. She was incapable of looking after me. I was taken with my mother to my grandmothers home on my fathers side. My grandmother looked after my mother and me for at least 3 months. My father would be working elsewhere and would only spend one day at weekends. It is most likely I did not form proper emotional bonds with either

of my parents and this can result in so called attraction disorder in adult hood. This can be recognised by the appearance of any three of the following: 1) Impulsiveness: Adults with attachment disorder indulge in impulsive behaviour, which they may or may not regret later. 2) Negative and Provocative Behaviour: This condition creates a general negative mindset and leads to provocative behaviour that angers others along with oneself. 3) Desire for Control: Persons suffering from this disorder have a strong desire to control their surroundings and manipulate people and events around themselves. They may use means like lying, cheating, and even stealing to do so. 4) Resistance to Love and Guidance: A natural symptom of an attachment disorder is the lack of ability to connect, empathise, or sympathise with anyone. People who suffer from this disorder also face difficulty in giving and receiving love and affection from others. They are unable to develop feelings of closeness. They also refuse to accept general advice and guidance from others. 5) Lack of Trust: Along with the lack of ability to empathise, such persons fail to develop trusting relationships with others, irrespective of their closeness with the person in question. 6) Anger and Agitation: Adults suffering from attachment disorder are deeply sad and depressed within, and tend to feel isolated. They are overcome by stress and frustration. However, they conceal these traits by showing anger very often, either openly or covertly. Anger is displayed through destructive, cruel, and hostile behaviour, and such persons may often argue with those who do not agree with them. 7) Superficial Positive Traits: The other side of the coin is that in spite of the above-mentioned symptoms, persons who suffer from this disorder can also appear charming and can often easily engage one in long and interesting conversations. 8) Addictions: Adults who suffer from attachment disorder are also likely to indulge in substance abuse such as alcohol and drug addiction; they may also suffer from an addiction to gambling, even to work. 9) Helplessness: Due to the symptoms of isolation and depression, persons suffering from attachment disorder feel helpless and feel like they are being accused by family and friends at all times for various reasons. 10) Lack of Responsibility: This means that they refuse to take any responsibility for their negative actions and are unable to handle conflict with others. 11) Confusion: Such persons are always confused, puzzled, and obsessed with finding answers to their queries. This confusion leads to general lack of concentration and a disability to hold their attention towards any activity for long. I think at one time or another I have shown all these symptoms although not the worst-case examples. My addictions have not been substance abuse, alcohol, or gambling; I have always been addicted to Natural Philospophy, sex, and pornography. Jill is not addicted to pornography but she will watch it; it turns her on making her feel sexy. Many of these points were relevant to our early relationship including points 2 through 5 and 7.

Bullying and Fear of Father

My self-esteem was reduced further by bulling at school; I think I was bullied at my first school in Church Street, Glasgow. I remember I had difficulty fitting in at that school and being a bit of a rebel. I felt I was blamed for misdemeanours that I was not responsible for and I would be asked to leave the class to visit the headmaster. My parents took the side of the school and both punished me. At my next school in Bishopbriggs, I was made to have school dinners that I just could not eat; they were just awful. I started to be bullied and a contributing factor to all my bullying was my skinny physique made worse by my fathers total control of what I wore. He chose extra baggy trousers and other dated clothing. He also insisted that I had very old-fashioned short hair. He controlled all of this. I also remember being sent to speech therapy at this school. When I came home with a bad report from this school, my father took me upstairs and took down my trousers and pants. He then belted me on my bare bottom with a leather belt. I cannot remember how many times, but after that, I was petrified of my father. I do not even know what the report said but it was from a young female teacher who used to display a lot of bosom when she bent down to help you. I was mesmerised by this and asked for help frequently but never learnt anything. The year after this, I did so well I was fast tracked. My parents then moved to Edinburgh and I attended Corstorphine School. I was not bullied here but there was a school dance. I thought a certain girl had agreed I could be her partner at this dance but there was another boy in the background. When I arrived at the dance, she was with the other boy and she told me to get lost. This had a very negative impact on my self-esteem with girls. For years afterwards other girls who knew about it would verbally tease me in my neighbourhood. The girl also refused the gift I had brought her. I then moved to the John GulliversSchool where my appearance and lack of confidence made me the outsider. My appearance was made all the worse by the long, light grey wide bottomed long trousers that were strictly school uniform, but all the others wore much narrower, tapered, dark grey trousers. It was the early 60s and hairstyles were longer except for mine. I also had old- fashioned coats and shoes. In the first three years, I was bullied by several boys physically and verbally and verbally by some teachers. The boys would hold me down and take off my trousers and pants; they aroused my penis until I had a hard penis. They would then release me just as the teacher walked into the room. The teachers made some rude comments and told me to get dressed. When I went swimming with my best friend who had suffered some bullying, he once told me I was thinner than Twiggy. He was much better built and my mother and sisters thought he was very good looking, and I assumed that I was not good looking. When I see pictures of myself at 16-18, I have to admit I was not a catch in any way. I did not meet girls and started to buy Penthouse magazine and then a paperback Sex manners for men. I was fascinated by nude females, their genitals, and sex. When I was younger when I had erections, I had pain because my penis was bent and trapped. I did not know I was having erections and thought the pain was a punishment for thinking about nude girls. It may also be a result of my mother telling me as a toddler when she bathed with an erection that I was being bad. My few experiences at discos and dances were mostly of rejection by every girl I approached and each of these rejections made it more difficult to approach girls until it terrified me even to think about it and I still have this awkwardness with approaching and talking with women. My body signals and language are not right. I also have the habit of talking about myself too much.

Bipolar Disorder

My moodiness, long silences, and rapid mood swings were obvious to Jill. These detracted from her feelings for me. When I was depressed, the relationship went through bad times, as Jill called them. When I was normal, we had good times and Jill kept our relationship going for these. Before Jill went to Schleswig Holstein, I was infatuated with my abilities in Natural Philosophy and Natural Philosophy itself, with irrational thoughts about winning a Nobel Prize. I was high at this time and Jill referred to it as aloofness. Our relationship was not my primary concern I was thinking about my career; Jill could fit in or not. I no longer needed her to boost my ego and self-respect. I felt confident and Jill and I were arguing a lot. I was continuing to put her down, make fun of her and started to annoy her deliberately by splashing her with water, and similar childish games. I was concerned that I was going too far and that she would leave me if I continued. My insecurity was still present deep down and I was still very worried about what would happen in Schleswig Holstein. I assumed that it was almost inevitable she would somehow be enticed into having a sexual relationship over there despite what she had learnt from Harry. Harry had been only part of one evening. Jill was off for 81 days, plenty time for a much subtler slow approach. I suppose I just gave up and thought my worst fears were now inevitable and in my high mood, I did not care less since in my mind if she had sex our relationship was over anyway so since this was inevitable, it did not matter what I did. Earlier Jill had sent me the note telling me I had to let her meet other men she said she would not have sex or that type of relationship with anyone other than me unless she loved them more than me, and it to be true love. I knew that it took more than two months to fall in love, on average, so this had given me some security that Jill would be unlikely to have sex. Closer to her departure I would discuss my worries with Jake Carpenter about our arguments and sex in Schleswig Holstein. Every time he would say that if I did not go with Jill, she would have sex in Schleswig Holstein with men. He annoyed me by refusing to explain or speculate why he believed this. I was frustrated because my father had said I was not to chase after Jill in Schleswig Holstein. I did not know at that time this was his war related anti-German irrational and dated hatred of the Germans speaking. I could not go against my fathers wishes. I think I began to believe Jakes words since they reminded me of Jills lack of control with Harry.

Jealousy and Possessiveness

The result was that a big problem in our dating relationship by the time Jill was about to go to Schleswig Holstein was that I was jealous and possessive. I was desperate to find a woman like Jill who was mine, but once I found her I did not believe I could keep hold of her due to a lack of selfconfidence, self-respect, and self-belief. I did not truly believe I deserved Jill so I tried to subjugate her to rely on me, and increase Jill's sense of dependency. It is all too common these days as more and more men feel uneasy about whom they truly are and lack self-esteem. At first, Jill did not spot that I was a jealous and possessive (JP) man. I was charming and goodlooking; I appeared to have the world at my feet and so she had absolutely no reason to think I was not charming. I was Mr. nice-boy at this stage. I did not fully trust her, and I first suggested the Mens University Association dance as a test; the result was confusing. I wrote a breakup letter, gave it her after two years because I was insecure, and thought I would be best pre-empting the inevitable. I then immediately realised my mistake but the damage was done. I could not go through with it and I rather stupidly brought up the idea of being allowing each other to see others. Jill said

she would like to love me properly so we decided to have sex. I could not go through with it because I respected her virginity too much. Jill thought she was not good enough for me. Jills mother probably noticed the stress in Jill and asked Janet to take Jill out and make sure she met someone. Janet over ruled Jill doubts about accepting the lift home from Harry, letting him in for coffee, and possibly going somewhere private. After her nights out with Janet at the Mens University Association and especially the Rocker-Knocker Club, I definitely became much more JP. I was not convinced she wanted me and ignored the fact that she stayed with me, not Harry, since it had been such a difficult decision for her. I felt she was plotting to escape at any turn, looking for a way out and did not really want me at as much as I wanted her. After the first three years, this was probably a reflection that I did not want her so much now since my infatuation with Jill was ebbing away. Deep down I believed she could find a man far better than me, and the Harry episode was very convincing that I might be easily disposable. This caused the possessive man dilemma. If she would really like to run away then how can I make her stay? Easy, I thought as does every man in this dilemma, what I will do is make her dependent on me, make her need me and want me and have no need to be anywhere else other than with me. I did not think much of myself so I did not understand why she wanted me. I need to feel she does want me, so I need to have demonstration as to how far she would go for me. I will promote the positive side of staying at home together and extinguishing group social activities. At home, she is where I can see her and know what she is doing. As a relationship developed, as a possessive man I tried ways of ensuring Jill was there for me. Rather than meeting friends, Jill was always with me. Of course at first this is all part of romantic relationship building. After all Jill wanted to spend as much time as possible with me. Bit by bit I tried to divorce her from her everyday friends and activities, even spending time illustrating how her friends were not really her true friends. I suppose I was isolating Jill for my own needs. Once I had done that, I then criticized Jill to make her feel bad about herself to ensure that she too have a low self esteem like me. If Jill did not feel good about herself then how would anyone else ever want her? I told her how lucky she was to have me. Eventually I was hoping build up this degree of dependence (and fear) so much that Jill would truly believe that what I said was true. Jills identity was to become one with mine. My behaviour was normal in my situation, and almost all men with low self-esteem do exactly what I did For these reasons, all women (and men) find that possessiveness and jealousy (PJ) in a partner is real turn off, and it drives them away and eventually destroys the relationship. Jill did not let me get away with it either. Jills self-preservation stepped in and made her take action, even if it had to be done in secret. PJ reduces a womans love and esteem for a man, and like Jill, they find it suffocating and need to break free. Jill said in notes and letters from Schleswig Holstein, that she would think more of me if I let her meet other men. What she was actually saying was that my PJ was driving her away, reducing her need and esteem for me; if I was less PJ then I would go up in her esteem and she would need me more. I never understood this and her statements made me more insecure because I could not see how meeting other men could help; it would only make me more PJ since I could not trust her after Harry. Of course, in the end the infatuation with Hans was exactly my worst nightmare, Jill having sex with another man. Once it had happened, my PJ went away since nothing worse could happen, but the memory of this nightmare created an enormous anxiety. I was anxious because I did not know anything about the power of infatuation or even that it was infatuation because Jills guilt made her

portray what she felt as true love. I was still anxious about my PJ since I never fully understood that. I did however remember acting out the PJ mans dilemma solution and regretted that.

Jill
Jill had a much happier childhood than I did. The only bad event in her life was when her father dumped with his parents for three months while her mother was ill and in hospital. Jill made life unbearable for her grandparents and thought she had been abandoned. This probably caused her lack of confidence but helped develop her feeling of self-preservation. Jill felt rejected and believed she had done something to cause this. As a young adult, she desperately feared rejection and this fear is so strong that she finds it impossible to say no to men when they exceed her limits. She desires the attention of the men and the fun but if she says no or resists, Jill fears total rejection and embarrassment. Jills low self-esteem was probably due to her mother who would make fun of her long chin, small breasts and awkward face. Jills short sightedness meant she had to wear glasses and these did not help her self esteem. Until Jill got contact lenses, she could barely focus at a distance of 3-4 feet. Thus, men would only be recognisable when they were very close since she never wore her glasses when dating. Jill did not like her unruly hair and would have loved to have smooth hair. Her father is impatient with her when he helps her and this reduces her selfconfidence. Her mother also taunted Jill with words. On her 16th birthday her mother said Sweet 16 and never been kissed. Jill hated that. Jill was never bullied at school and there was no violence at home against her. She was lonely but happy as a child and she could wear short skirts and long hair without criticism. Her mother was keen to show me Jill wearing her hot pants suit since Jill had great legs. Overall Jill was much better balanced than I was. Jill had virtually no sex education or intuition. She assumed men thought about sex exactly as she did. Although her clitoris must have been getting excited Jill did not know that it was, what it meant, or how to deal with it. She probably attributed it to something else and since it produced a very slow path to sexual desire, she would have given up before anything happened. I had been told by my father that masturbation was possible. Jill was a romantic and the 60s was throwing romance out of the window. Jill does not have the emotional problems I have and while subject to a bit of depression she can generally deal with that. Her fathers desire for her to be selfsufficient and have a good University education pushes Jills academic abilities too far eventually resulting in problems. Her parents actually showed some considerable indifference in allowing Jill to go to Schleswig Holstein alone. Of course, they knew nothing about the man and foreigners at the Mens University Association and nothing about the stripping and naked plumber. I knew Jill better than her parents did. Jill was not ready for this challenge. It was the way they have treated her all their life. The Harry affair was probably initiated by Jills mother who instructed Janet to get Jill out and ensue she met a new boyfriend. Janet forced Jill to do many things Jill was reluctant to do. Jills mother never thought I was right for Jill, and was continually on Jills back about looking for other boyfriends. This had been going on for years. About the time of the Harry affair, Jills mother told me off when I turned up without calling. She took me into the lounge and said that Jill could have been entertaining one of her other boyfriends and that I could have created an embarrassing situation. It is clear that her mother thought Jill should have several boyfriends who were unaware of each other. Her mother

attempts to achieve this with Janets help at the Rocker-Knocker Club. It also is understood that Jills mother would encourage Jill to find one or more boyfriends in Schleswig Holstein while Jill had the freedom. However, her mother was shocked at how Jill treated me. I do not think she disapproved of Hans (Jills was not aware of the sex with Hans or the details of the other men or the naked Harry). What Jills mother disapproved of was the fact that she took so long to write to her mother and hardly wrote to me at all; her mother had noticed my deterioration in mood and some of the reason why. Overall, her mother made our relationship more difficult before and after Schleswig Holstein. The autumn before Jill goes to Schleswig Holstein Jills mind is in a very odd state. She is obsessed with how colours can be seen. This becomes an almost obsessive-compulsive disorder and she is quite worried about colour. Her mind then moves onto another topic. She asks me to explain them, her father to explain them and even gets books out of the library. Nothing helps her. Next, she gets concerned about her knee and writes to some expert on Harley Street. Her parents send her to their GP. He tries to persuade Jill there is nothing wrong. This demonstrates she is susceptible to obsessive-compulsive behaviour and it is still evident on her multiple checking and asking the same question repeatedly. It is in her character to be more likely to be infatuated than others are. Early in January is when she decided to go underground as suggested by her mother and meet men without my knowledge. I know of one case on a Saturday afternoon when she met John, Janet and another man, a University student. I found out about that one; there may have been others. Schleswig Holstein gives her the perfect opportunity to meet men and hide it from me. She has to hide it from me in case I reject her. This underground behaviour continued just before we were engaged when she tried to keep a bus trip with an older man secret. The first time was in Bournemouth when she went to a disco with Judy. She met a man there who took her out for a drink. I do not know when and if this underground behaviour ended. This underground behaviour certainly continued up to a week before we were to be engaged when she tries to keep a bus trip with a man secret. When I was in Cambridge, she mentioned a couple of male students she met for coffee after lectures. I do not know if there was anything more to her relationship with them. As I said above, Jills mother had never thought I was a suitable husband for Jill. She had continually attempted to persuade Jill to find other boyfriends if necessary in secret. Before I went to Cambridge, and when I was in Cambridge, her mother continued put doubts in Jills mind about my intentions. This was why we had to be engaged before Cambridge and why at Christmas, that year why we had started arranging the Wedding. Jill was always very careful not to leave herself without any options. I think the two students she met were boyfriends in waiting. What I do not know is what Jill had to do to keep them interested. Jills mother eventually found out we were having sex. She probably used that against me possibly warning Jill to take control. Jill was very gullible, and naive. She gives people the benefit of the doubt. Jill finds it difficult to disappoint people and say no. She is kind to others; she overrules her own morals and desires rather than those of the other person. I explained above why no is difficult to say no. It does not help that Jill is indecisive and cannot think rapidly under stress. Rather than reach a full sensible decision she has only time to find a reason that allows her to follow the easiest path. She often gets the wrong or does not understand subtleties. In Schleswig Holstein, she was struggling with a foreign language

that added to her problems. Long complicated explanations are avoided in favour of short positive answers. She had no clue about the real reasons for her infatuation. Jill still wanted me and did not want to lose me. She was still thinking that some nights she could feel the original feelings she had for me, when I behaved well and was kind. She hoped we would have a good time together at Easter and in the last few weeks after examinations were over before she left. I messed up both by being awkward over Easter and taking up the Carnegie Grant in the summer. Jill was craving for romance. Jill was feeling I was suffocating her with my jealousy after the Mens University Association dance and the Rocker-Knocker Club. I did not understand that she had drunk too much, and alcohol was slowing her thoughts and actions, reducing her inhibitions and enhancing the effect of Harrys flattery. Whatever happened, after this I believed she could not be trusted with other men so I could not let her meet other men. This became a problem for Jill. Jill still wanted our relationship to continue and she longed for some of its original novelty. She thought about it a lot more than I did, deciding how to behave in Schleswig Holstein. The Easter before she left, I suggested we become engaged as a ploy to keep her away from men in Schleswig Holstein. Jill insisted on a long discussion about it and I was in no mood to discuss it. She saw a program on BBC TV about 20 year old girls. Afterwards she made a vow. Some news arrived that she knew I would be interested in but because of my behaviour, she was keeping it secret forever. From her diary there were many decisions being made but not explained. She asked me unexpectedly after sex, three weeks before she left, whether I stayed with her for sex or not. She also asked about marriage. I was in a flippant mood and said I only stayed for sex, then, I changed it to marriage if she finished her degree in a year so she could come to Cambridge with me. I did not know that she had failed two out of three examinations making this impossible. I did not associate this question with the trip to Schleswig Holstein. When we said goodbye she asked if I would write to her. I replied in my usual flippant manner that I would think about it. Then I asked her to be a good girl in Schleswig Holstein. Jill replied that I should not expect her to behave like a nun, meaning she would go out with men if they asked her. She did not intend to indulge in sex. After this, she burst into tears. This was an emotional outburst that she was feeling sentimental about her intentions to take a real relationship break. Jill was very confused about our relationship but she was not thinking of ending it she just needed some space as she needs now. She wanted to say goodbye well before she travelled and certainly not on the day she flew so that she could get over these feelings and have a clear mind for travelling. Jills character prevents her from openly facing up to me and discussing the problems. Instead she asks me questions like why do you stay just for sex or do you intend to marry me without explaining why she is asking. In addition, Jill is keeping a list of statements I make to her that can be taken to support her doubts. Her character makes her stab me in the back rather than be open. We both needed a close friend to talk about our feelings. I had tried Jake but he did not provide any support. Jill might have talked to Janet, but she had found that Janet talked to her mother who then talked to Jills parents. Apart from the normal infatuation causes, Jill found Hans easy to talk to about the problems in our relationship. This probably dominated several nights discussions. This added to her need for Hans. Further, Jill was very anxious about her job and problems that might arise during her stay. One of the things Hans said to Jill was that if she met any problems, Jill was to

come to him. Thus, Hans was not just a straightforward random man satisfying a need for romance, he was also a dearly needed friend to talk to about problems and a pillar of security. This meant he immediately became a special person. His kindness as Jill perceived it had made big impression on her. The real romance with Hans was only two weeks long by which time Jill felt more confident in Schleswig Holstein. She had unloaded her worries and her only problem was her job.

Sex
Jills state of mind on the Saturday deduced from my letters is that the love affair she wants is going nowhere (she is settling down, and there has been no more romance). There are doubts that Hans does not really love her romantically. She has not seen him for six days because of work and she is concerned about finding time to see him (but the prospects do not look good). She has been bored by the first part of the evening in the lounge because Hanss brother Bernard is with them. In fact she is bored enough to leave and probably feels more despondent about the relationship. Jill is almost certainly tired; she has worked in a stressful situation for 8 days solid (Saturday through Saturday and she has to work again Sunday the day after.) When Jill is tired decisions become more difficult and she is more likely to choose the easiest option. Her life is pretty awful working in that cafe; she wrote I am fed up [with my employers] and Hans is her only escape and reason for not giving up and coming home. She needs the infatuation and she still needs to cling to Hans to continue to put up with work. Hans is the only person she can talk to about problems in this job and the last and about her worries over her work permit. He is also her only real friend. This decision to have sex is made not in a relaxed happy mood but a tired, but exhilarated, unhappy mood possibly with nothing to look forward to if she does not keep Hans happy and in love with her. It is a decision to have something that is pleasure in her life since she has always enjoyed sex with me. The good part of her time in Schleswig Holstein starts in the Hotel when she gives up work but the mistake has already been made. Hans had been told by Jill that she and I had sex. On the night, his parents are out he sees an opportunity to lose his virginity (presumption). He cannot mention it in the lounge with his brother in the room. Only when Jill decides to leave, can he speak to her in private and he must ask or the opportunity will pass. In his deep German voice, he says, I would like to sleep with you. This is not a question but a statement of fact. Jill assumes it is a question. Jill recalls consciously thinking about her rules. She still feels she loves him and he must still love her to suggest this. Jill believed that men thought about their virginity ad sex exactly as she did. She is not in control, the PEA in her brain has increased her testosterone, making her want sex; her reptilian brain is driving her mind to have sex by saying yes. Her only experiences of making love have been with me were pleasurable, and were sexy and fun where she always has an orgasm. Jill imagines a similar rewarding pleasurable experience with Hans. However, there has been no intimate physical intimacy in their relationship so far, hence, they have not yet become comfortable with each others bodies; this is just brain chemistry in a fantasyland in Jills mind standing at the front door of the apartment. Jill in addition wants to reward Hans for his kindness and helping settle her strong anxiety about her work permit when she changed job even although he probably knew

nothing about it. This theme of sexual favours as a reward is often evident in her relationships with men. This comes from her low self-esteem and a feeling that she has to repay kindness with kindness, and sine the men want sexual favours she gives them not caring for her own self-worth. Hans wants to satisfy his basic urge to penetrate Jill with his penis and deposit his sperm inside her. He is not thinking about any romantic encounter or even satisfying Jills needs if he is even aware, she has any. He is not doing this for love, as Jill believes. When it comes to enacting the fantasy for real, it completely dampens out these flames in Jills mind. Reality sets in for Jill very quickly when she is first embarrassed being naked in his bed. She is embarrassed when he grabs her breasts and annoyed that he does so quickly with no tenderness. She is worried needlessly about what he thinks about her body. She is probably the best-looking woman he will ever be in bed with in his whole life. This is probably exciting him sexually. Hans does not know how to start to make love with gentle stroking and hugging to help both of them to relax. He is in a mad rush against time to penetrate Jill before he comes off and before Jill goes off the idea. It is soon over, possibly after one minute or less, before Jill has had time to gather her thoughts and rapidly increasing doubts about what she is doing. By the time these begin to form, Hans is spent and the deed has been done. If Hans had been able to take things more slowly, she would have had time to evaluate her feelings about the embarrassing reality and the use of a condom. She may well have decided what she was doing was wrong or unsafe. Evolution has triumphed yet again; Jills conscious brain is now in control again. Jill now realises that Hans has simply used her for quick, casual sex. Jill feels guilty because her conscious brain knows she has let herself be used just for sex. Casual was against her rules and not like making love with me where we had a long-standing and until recently comfortable relationship. (Note; it is not known if Hans did use a condom, the withdrawal method or did not care. Jill was too embarrassed to ask or bother about it or notice.) The fact that Hans says it was no good for him makes the whole thing even more of a disastrous, degrading, mistake for her as she reflects that the night had not worked out anything like she had expected in several ways. Hans has taken advantage of her feelings for him. The guilt deepens here; consciously Jill wanted to make love to Hans but it turned out to be just sex he is not even happy with that. Tonight has proved beyond a doubt that Hans does not love Jill but she thinks she still loves him. She realises at this point that she has also compromised our relationship. This leads to more guilt because she will have to lie to avoid me rejecting Jill. However, Jill rebelliously does not let this affect the infatuation; she is enjoying the brain hormone induced high as she wants this to continue without any more sex. She does not feel guilty about the emotional cheating on our relationship because she really is in romantic love. Tonight has just to be forgotten which Jill can do very well when she wants to. It was a very bad mistake. Worries about pregnancy are similarly dismissed think it cannot be that easy to become pregnant. Her conscience bothers her nonetheless. Jill decides to ignore the fact that Hans does not love her. She still has an opportunity to change Hanss feelings for her so she continues the relationship and drags it out to the end. Her attitude to our relationship was that she must keep this secret. She probably thought this before and after. There was no way I could find out the truth, except her telling me, so although she did not believe in lying it was the only way forward. Afterwards I think Jill said they talked for a little while. I think I recall something about Hans being very negative. Tonight did not work out the way he had expected either although he expected much less than Jill. He has also made a bit of a fool of himself and must detect Jills disappointment and

guilt. He probably senses that when she has had sex with me it was much better. He is embarrassed and ashamed and probably hints that he does not want to continue the seeing her. The decision to say yes was strongly influenced to do what Hans wanted because she loved him and by her reptilian brains desire to consummate the infatuation, and this over ruled all other considerations. Not once does she consider what rules I might have about relationships and sex in her interactions with men. In her next letter several weeks after she says, Stop imagining all the sins I have committed. I believe I have done nothing wrong. The first sentence reveals her guilt; the second her rationalised story that, she was in love with him so she has done nothing wrong. Rereading it before she sends the letter, she notices the mistake and inserts I might have committed. Jills letters still very strongly reflect that she is still very turned off by my jealousy and possessiveness. This is one reason she is annoyed by my continual questioning asking what is going on and wanting details. This probably explains why the emotional cheating bothers her less but she intends to lie about that too. She tells me this worries her and makes her feel less of me. I still do not understand this at this point. One of her reasons she possibly tries to continue the relationship with Hans is that he is the opposite of me; in fact, he is playing hard to get which makes Jill more desperate for him. Playing hard to get can be used to make a man appear more self-assured exactly the opposite of what I was doing. My trip to Paris that I arranged quickly and efficiently, just after I had not seen Jill for such a long time probably boosted my self-respect and Jills esteem for me. It turned the tables and as she said in her letter, now she was jealous, not necessarily romantically, but it was a very similar emotion. It gave her some insight and it made me appear to be playing a little hard to get. She was probably very unsure of what I might decide to do on my return and whom I might meet.

Jills Difficulty In Saying No

Jill is insecure, fears rejection and does not have any self-confidence when she was young. Asserting herself is very difficult. When she is enjoying herself, there are PEA surges that increase her testosterone and desire for any sexual reward so she does not want to stop because things go beyond her limits. She is prepared to stretch her limits rather than cause any unpleasantness that might result from asserting herself. Jill is afraid unpleasantness will end all the fun. She respects others often more than herself. She was particularly afraid of being thought of as a prude. This must go back to some situation where someone called her a prude and she was so upset that she never wanted to suffer such indignation again. It must have been someone important to her, maybe her mother, or her first crush Adam George who assassinated her character quite badly. Her decisions about Harry and Dork were typical where in Harrys case being drunk, further reducing inhibitions and he flattered her; Jill fancied Dork so she was trying to draw a fine line between her beliefs and a fear of being prudish. Although she never mentioned it as regards Peter since she had discussed sex with me with him, there was probably a feeling that she was more sexually liberal, (than possibly he was), and to say no would be a move towards prudishness again.

Kissing Men
Jills mother is well aware of Jills snogging and in the 60s it was very common at dances for boys to try to kiss every girl they ask to dance. I hid special seats on the stage at the John Gullivers School dance so I can slip off for a snog with my first girlfriend Ann. We had met at the dancing lessons organised by the John Gullivers School and Lothian High school. We only started dating after these dances and that was for about a month between the end of December 1968 and the 31st January 1969.It ended because some girls from Lothian High saw me kissing Jill. Ann had told her parents and when I met them, they told me I was very inventive. I was very embarrassed. We had gone out to the cinema a few times where snogging was high on the agenda. The attitude that kissing was insignificant, any inhibitions Jill had about that were suppressed so that she would be accepted and not rejected by boys. In addition, with Jills difficulty saying no and being forced to kiss or snog was so common that she did not even go through the effort and pain of thinking about saying no even if she did not want to kiss or snog. It became similar to a problem I have with names. When introduced to someone new, I do not believe I will remember the name, so my brain switches off and I do not even listen to the name. I think Jills brain just automatically switched off bothering about kissing except when it was someone she cared for when it was special. She decided, the simplest solution was to put up with it rather than worry about trying to say no. She now says she never liked kissing much and she particularly disliked wet tongue kissing. If you were unaware of this problem, she did not make a good impression. Thus, until she was married Jill would kiss and snog anyone and everyone. When she went to the Mens University Association with Janet both of them must have been asked by about ten different foreign men to dance. Both girls always accepted but the dances were only excuses for deep tongue slobbery kisses and body grinding. I saw this with my own eyes as I spied on her from the balcony. I could not believe she was actually enjoying this and why she put up with it but if she is not even thinking about it then it is easier to condone. It is clear that with Harry there would have been some meaningful intensive snogging. In Schleswig Holstein, she writes about a barbeque that all that happened was 20 minutes meaningless kissing (snogging) but he was only a friend, but there were five men at that barbeque, a lot of beer and only four girls, one of whom did not kiss. I suspect each of the five men would try it on with Jill after seeing her go with the man she admitted to kissing behind some nearby sand dunes. Behind the sand dunes I suspect it was more than just kissing. There would have been meaningless kissing or snogging with every other man she met in Schleswig Holstein except possibly Dork; with Dork, it might have been meaningful. Jill met an Irish girl in Schleswig Holstein after she stops work. The Irish girl asks Jill disapprovingly after the barbeque how many men she has kissed or intends to kiss in Schleswig Holstein. Jill was defensively and somewhat arrogantly dismissive of this disapproval as she was of any criticism by me. I think the worst display of her ambivalence was after a Natural Philosophy Christmas party at Kings Buildings in 1972. A fellow male student, Jill, and I decide to share a taxi. At the last moment, a Lecturer pushes into the taxi and sits between the other student and Jill. As we move off the Lecturer pulls out some mistletoe and kisses Jill. Jills attitude to meaningless kissing, allowed her to be snogged by this Lecturer for 25 minutes (the time it takes the taxi to travel from Kings Buildings to past Haymarket) while I am sitting next to her in a taxi. At, which point the Lecturer stops the taxi

jumps out without contributing to the fare. I have never been so humiliated by Jills attitude to kissing. Many people consider kissing someone else as cheating, not Jill. She did not think she needed to admit to kissing or snogging at all. This begs the question how many men do I not know about. Now she cannot remember any of these events showing how little they meant to her. I was forced to accept this behaviour as normal. Even her mother condoned such behaviour. I believe her mother had been the same and her father was exceedingly jealous and got very angry when he heard rumours of this. Because kissing was always meaningful to me, I thought this behaviour was all part of an attitude Jill had. Despite the fact that we had been going out for many years and we had feelings for each other, Jill never accepted that this was in any way a commitment to each other. Jill felt she was always free to do what she wanted and it was not my business to know, or be told since we were not engaged. This attitude came from her mother. So even although Jill declared she loved me, wanted me and we were in a sexual relationship she believed it was her right to meet other men, be semi-intimate with them, snog and cuddle with them, and even get semi-naked with them, as long as there was no sex, she was doing nothing wrong. She gave herself a great deal of freedom. Jill did her utmost to keep this secret. The secrecy was needed to prevent me from rejecting her. This attitude was selfish but only children are often quite selfish because they never have had to compete for their parents affection. I did not feel any parental affection in stark contrast. My mothers affection seemed to me to be directed at my sisters and I never expected any affection from my father.

Electrical Chemistry
While there was a lot of brain chemistry, when Jill and Hans were in bed, there was no electrical chemistry, no sensitivity to touch, no feelings of touch sending electricity to the brain through the spine, only embarrassment. In fact, Jill has only responded strongly in this touch-based electricity with me and I have only experienced it with her. This is another aspect of this relationship with Hans in contrast to her relationship with me. Either this has no time to develop since they usually just go out to have a drink in very public places or it only happens between certain people. It is something that has not diminished for Jill and me over the years.

Flattery without words Harry the Plumber.

Jill said that Harry flattered her but it was not so much, what he said more what he did. Girls can be flattered by eye contact, body language, the man opening the car door for the girl to get in, and then opening it for her to get out. Pecks on the cheek, neck, and forehead are all flattering as is holding hands. So quite innocent actions can create the sense of flattery as well as telling a girl how attractive she is. Some of them are just behaving as the perfect gentleman, others are not necessarily kissing on the mouth or French kissing but kisses that indicate you like the girl. The stripping in the bedroom probably lasted only five to ten minutes too fast for Jill to think after all the drink and being tired. She did learn the lesson of not getting too drunk though. Jill said that initially there were some wise cracks Harry before they got together. Teasing with humour is an excellent way to attract the other person's attention and gain their interest. When the technique is done well it calls up several emotions. It tells the other person that you are different

from the ordinary others. It also presents a challenge that the other person will react to and not ignore. It causes laughter, which makes the brain and the body react in positive ways, and tells the other person that there is an opportunity to have fun. That combination of teasing body language and verbal comment with a warm poking-fun kind of humour will often create a sense of strong attraction in the other person. The man seems provocative, different, challenging, and perhaps fun. Those qualities arouse the emotions that are the heart of attraction. The next step is for the woman to hit back but this time with a teasing comment or a flirtatious flip of the hair and turn of the chin, and the chemistry of attraction is begun. Harrys technique was classic. Drive her home. He asks to come in for coffee. The stimulus of caffeine after a fun night out can increase Jills rate heartbeat, rate of breathing, her palms get a little sweaty, and the feelings of arousal, similar to infatuation, could be misattributed to Harry. Finally, he uses the classic sentence I would like to go somewhere more private. Jill is tired, drunk, aroused, and thus confused. Jill was under intense pressure at this time from her mother to get more boyfriends. It was two months after I had made the mistake with the breakup letter and the discussion about seeing other people. It was after our abortive first attempt to have sex. I was all set to penetrate Jill but aborted at the last moment. I felt guilty about taking Jills virginity for which I had great respect. I also was petrified of making Jill pregnant. I did not say anything to Jill; Jill assumed that she was not good enough for me to lose my virginity. Jill was probably quite despondent about our relationship when she met Harry. After Harry, we did make love for the first time. I no longer respected her virginity and I now felt I had better have sex with her before something like this happened again. I found out about the stripping accidentally 3 months later. It took me longer to drag a admission about each piece of clothing item per item than it had taken to remove the clothes themselves. First, Harry took off her blouse and nothing else. Minutes of probing Jill later Harry had also taken off her skirt with Jills help but that was the end. After five more minutes, Jill admits that Harry started to take off her tights. Jill gets up and takes them off herself but this was the end. Jill was now only wearing her bra, pants, and a full-length underskirt. We had reached the limit of what Jill would call decently covered. If it went further than this, she would never have dared admit this to me; so I suspect it did but Jill will never admit it. At this point, she diverts my questioning by telling me that when Harry was on the bed with her she put her hand on him and felt a string vest. She then puts her hand lower down; I forgot to ask why she was feeling him below the length of his vest. She finds he is naked from the waist down and that she could feel his penis pressing into her. She claimed this was why she called a halt. Another possibility is that this was the point where her father called from his bedroom; he was angry, it was early in the morning and the guests were to leave. Jill can give no reason for allowing Harry to strip her at all except that she was drunk, tired, and flattered. She told Janet afterwards who was shocked. This pointless stripping with Harry, combined with the planned date when her parents would be away reduced my respect for Jill considerably. Before this, I had her on a high pedestal. The fact that he was only a plumber or probably a plumbers apprentice added insult to injury. I believe I lost more respect for Jill than I did when I learnt about her behaviour in Schleswig Holstein. When she was in Schleswig Holstein, I very quickly worked out that Jill had met a man and had sex with him. I

would ask her to confirm or deny this. She never denied it in any letter confirming that it was true. She admitted to meeting men in plural but only for drinks and talking. I had so little respect for her that I believed she was having sex with several men. I knew she would snog all of them and I assumed there would be heavy petting, nudity and more. She told me off for implying she had a bad reputation. I became angry because of her lack of denial. If she were innocent, she would have been only to quick to deny it. When Jill returned I was relieved to find out, she had only had sex once, supposedly for love, and that her activities with most of the other men were mostly kissing with minimal sexual contact except for Dork Lurke. While being obviously devastated, Schleswig Holstein did not lower my respect as much as it might have because her behaviour was not as bad as I had been imagining, although what I was imagining would have been unforgiveable.

Affair
When a relationship is in the doldrums, showing signs that indicate it is not functioning healthily, it needs some sort of injection. An affair can be just what the doctor ordered. It gives the relationship a jolt. Both partners have an opportunity to reconsider the problems. An affair opens up communication and if handled correctly, strengthens the relationship. This is a positive effect and can save an otherwise good relationship that might have died without the injection. What happened in Schleswig Holstein with Hans was essentially an affair. When Jill returned, she said she felt much more strongly about me and was happier in our relationship than she ever had been and her feelings for Hans evaporated in less than ten days. I think Jill starts to feel true love for me at this time. My feelings for Jill have never been so ambivalent than at this time. Some days I am in love with her; the next day I hate her. This is quite consistent with the brain chemistry of love and hate that share a common chemistry. Some additional connection or association determines what our conscious brain reports. If I woke up with an attractive image of Jill in my mind, I would feel love. If I woke up thinking about what she has done, I would hate her

The Other Men in Schleswig Holstein

Kissing the cook and the four other men at the barbeque on the beach was probably down to beer, high spirits, and reduced inhibitions because she is rebelling and not being supervised. The other men were to satisfy Jills need to increase her experience, and be a little irresponsible and rebellious. As usual, she had difficulties saying no when they try to get her sexually involved. These relationships possibly indicate that she knows there is no future with Hans but she is still in the in love with him. Jills actual intentions as regards other men were just general desires to interact with people (male or female) and accept invitations to socialise. She still did not know that when men took her on trips in cars or ships, sex was top of their agenda. She was very naive sexually and this rebelling was dangerous. She was playing a dangerous game going in cars alone with complete strangers. Normally only pairs of girls do this so they can look after each other, at least sensible girls would do that. Jill was not always sensible even at home. Her agreement to meet Harry a week later when her parents would be away and Jill would be alone was not sensible. He had already been with

her half-naked and his penis out with her parents at home. Jill never thought anything through properly.

Role Play
Much of what she wrote in her diary is clearly her perspective though infatuated thought. She is playing out a role in her mind. First, the way she describes meeting her ideal perfect lover whom she never wants to lose is pure teen crush/romance. After the sex, her conscience plays on her mind since it was only casual sex. In particular, in the scenes where Hans is trying to say goodbye, it is all written with the infatuated in love romantic backdrop where insignificant little actions are recorded and possibly embellished. Some actions are probably misinterpreted and are processed by her still romantically disturbed brain take on a significance that is only apparent to Jill. Yet with his higher status, the fact he played hard to get and his total lack of jealously and deep voice, there was still a lot of pleasure to be had in the chase. Jill probably decided to run with it as long as she could because it made her feel good and she is a romantic at heart so Jill continued to chase him. He never once came to see Jill even when they agreed he would. He always stood her up. Jill chased him, totally out of character for Jill, and thus played into his hands as regards the sex. The reason Jill chases him is that she loves him and he does not love him and he could invite her in to his flat whereas Jill cannot.

Proportion
I believe that have the many things out of proportion. Jill met Hans for a total of about twenty-four hours if I add up all their meetings. From this, it is obvious in retrospect that any sex was very casual. The only things she remembers are the romantic feelings of the first evening because it was good and the sex because it was bad. The romantic period was probably a couple of hours. Jill says that none of the other meetings was romantic. On the 14th July, she writes in her letter to me too many new impressions had filled her mind but now she was settling down. This very much sounds that she is already realising that he does not share the same feelings about him and the relationship is already cooling down. She also says, so far she has not been lonely but the prospects do not look so good. She has not seen Hans since Sunday and she is not getting enough time off work. One reason the romance may die of quickly is a reduction in anxiety. She is very keen to see Hans when she is anxious which increases the norepinephrine. The total time she spends with other men is also less than twenty-four hours. The kissing and sex with Hans totalled about an hour the sex itself probably only a minute or two at most; they were in bed for twenty minutes. Any sexual fumbling was less than two hours with the others. This is a total of three hours kissing and is not more than a couple of teen dances. As I concluded Jill was essentially mostly infatuated with being in Schleswig Holstein, being free, having fun, meeting people, the beach, the sun and the sea. This is what comes acReed in her letters and what in fact she says. She has problems writing to me, first because she wants a break from me, and second because she cannot communicate openly either about her feelings about Peter and certainly not about the sex. Jill hopes she can avoid telling me about the sex and love forever. She said, There is a lot I could

tell you but I do not know how much you want to hear before the sex and I cannot tell you what I do in the evenings because you will read everything into it after the sex.

Procrastination
Writing to me is a problem she would rather not face. Like a tax return, it is only done when necessary and as late as possible. The reason is that she does not want to hurt me or lose me, cannot tell me the truth, and cannot lie. She has to tread a very fine line, and be careful what she says. Jill chose the words too many new impressions converged on me all at once but I am now settling down and my mind has been crowded by new impressions very carefully. In the Cambridge dictionary, one meaning of impressions is feelings about someone especially those formed without conscious thought or on the basis of little information. To have feelings for someone can mean you love them. Jill is actually telling me she has fallen in love with somebody new. In fact, this statement she is actually saying it was an infatuation. If I had looked at the meanings of impressions when I received that first letter, I could have worked this out. It is not clear when she started her diary. It could not have been immediately, probably on the Saturday she changes job. Given that we wrote these diaries to each other, it is not clear for whom she is writing the diary in Schleswig Holstein. Once I found out about the sex with Hans, I think Jill offers me the diary to read the day after she returns. This portrays a strong backdrop of a real love story and she wants me to believe this illusion to justify the sex. She knows she has broken her rules about sex when it comes to writing to me. She cannot face up to telling me the truth about sex with Hans. She also is definitely guilty about not writing and the diary is the ultimate letter. Keeping up the diary would keep her quite busy in any case.

Jills Admissions
Eventually in her letters, Jill tells me something about Hans but she lies about his status he was not her lover only a friend. Then in the next letter, she owns up about sex. She tells me that sex has not played an important part in her stay there. Note the double negative. Although she has now admitted sex had played a part in her stay, she tries to deflect this onto the two men she met that tried to put their hands up her skirt and into her pants. She stops one immediately but allows the other some pleasure as a reward for taking her out and buying her a meal. I never understood this because it begs the question how far would she go for a man who does more for her. In fact, she does meet another man whom she fancies and he helps her make a collection of beer glasses. He expects his reward, which initially involves him placing Jills hand on his erect penis. She leaves her hand there for 5 minutes but does not move it. Then there is some sort of struggle where Jill says he was trying to put his penis inside her and his watchstrap is broken. I think he put his hand up her skirt to grab her knickers but she gets away, pulls up her knickers, and walks to the car. His name was Dork.

As her letters came in, I was getting more and more depressed and although they could have told me more than she intended I was in no fit state to work it out. There were many attacks on me and the way I was that convinced me Jill thought I was to blame. Her very cool reaction towards me when she arrived back was probably caused by her guilt. I took it as a sign that she was no longer bothered about me and I felt that everything had been my fault. Even in a long discussion we had, my failings before she left were the only things discussed. Later, Jill commented that now I was making a tremendous effort with our relationship, which was true since I thought it was my responsibility to make up to her. Jill said she was unable to match this. If I was arrogant before she left Jill was the arrogant one now. Most of what had happened was none of my business in her view. When Jill returns on a Friday, she does not want to see me on Saturday during the day because she has things she has to do. I insist and find that she wants to buy a gift for Hans and a watchstrap for Dork. I do not think I am told about Dork at this time but the gift for Hans begs the question why. The answer, that she tried to hide by refusing to let me come with her, is that she was in love with him. Next question did you love him more than me. The answer is yes. This reminds me of her rules that she would only have sex with someone she loved more than she loved me. I deduce that she most likely had sex. Jills inability to think quickly is well illustrated when I question her. She has decided to lie about the sex. Did you sleep with him? No. Would you have slept with him if he had asked? Jill does not think of the implications of saying yes to this since, in fact, he did and she did. Jill is thinking only one move at a time. She says Yes. This was a bit of a leading answer. Another straight lie No would have been a safer move giving her more manoeuvrability. Did he ever ask you to sleep with him? Again, another lie No is the safe move. Jill makes her final mistake and says Yes, but we never had the opportunity. She has not seen my bishop and it is check mate. He would not have asked if there was not an opportunity. Jill now has to admit to the truth. I slept with him once at his parents house when they were out. Now you know I was lying not to hurt you. A more organised and assertive person could easily have bluffed this out. Jill insists it was true love painting her romantic pictures. She admits the sex was indifferent but does not tell me Hans just took advantage of her and she felt used. She claims adamantly that she stuck to her rules never admitting she knew she had broken her rules and had just had casual sex. She believes that probably I am more likely to forgive if I accept the real love with indifferent sex story. She appeared to tell the truth but was still lying and never admitted the truth for 40 years. The truth was not in the diary either. The truth was infatuation and she suspected this after the sex had been casual and nothing to do with love on Hanss part.

Anger
I get very angry and hurt by the lack of the letters, the fact that she hovers round the questions in my letters but does not really answer them, but worst does not deny my suppositions. I am unable to visualise or even understand most of what she tells me. It could be she is going to discos, or pubs or she meets them on the beach. How many men are there? How many does she get into bed with? The thought of her with these men sends huge shots of adrenaline into my stomach. Eventually I get

quite depressed. My imagination is too vivid and extreme, my trust, and knowledge of her character too weak. When I do learn the truth, I still have an over sexualised picture in my mind. I do not appreciate the effects of her lower libido since I have a high libido and am male. I have never experienced infatuation and I think woman think about sex the way I do. I am naive.

Hanss Goodbyes.
When Hans says goodbye on both occasions he mentions to Jill that she still has Jack, so he has obviously gathered that I am important to her despite whatever mood she is in with me. Only as a second option does he mention other men other than me. In Jills penultimate letter, she tells me Hanss full name and that he lived in Oldenburg. If I had put that together with her first letter, describing all her visits to Oldenburg Jill is revealing who was creating the new impressions. In her last letter, she says, sex has not played an important part in my stay here. Jill muddies the water just after this statement, by telling about the two cheeky men but since the word sex can hardly be applied to them, the sex statement must apply to someone else. In this final letter where for the first time she does not copy my ending All my love but writes just Love and she feels like writing something crazy. Both of these indicate that she has had her fun and is ready to come back to me. This is how she would normally finish a letter to me. Jill gives me her return flight times and asks me to meet her at the airport. She says this is important. I think the important difference in this letter is that she has now admitted her sins and having done so can relax and write to me properly for the first time. Between the last two letters she has essentially told me there was something going on between her and a Hans Neuwitz, there had been some sex, but it was not important. It is over whatever it was and she wants me back.

Why I Found It So Painful

The fact that I suspected something from her letters or lack of them made my mind imagine scenarios that did not happen. I had no idea what it was like over there or what she meant by met German men. Her lack of denial told me some of my thoughts were true. Then the fact that she said she had loved him and her insistence that it was love the sex was making love hurt more than the truth would have; namely, it was an infatuation and the sex was casual, he had taken advantage of her and it was a mistake. Then she refused arrogantly to discuss the cheeky men properly. I had not met any girl yet and found out how easy it was to start genital play even on the first night and to strip off naked and get into bed with someone after only a few days. Hence, I could not really understand Harry and Hans. Jill never really emphasised the bad points of the sex. Recently she called it a quick poke. Finally, the arrogance Jill seemed to have obscured the fact that she was feeling guilty in Schleswig Holstein and how this affected the letters she did write. The sex was so insignificant and a mistake she hoped that she might be able to avoid telling me. When I asked her when she got back she did lie to me twice I think, because why hurt me about something so trivial? Possibly, it would have been better to live with the lie.

I think this deed attacked right at the heart of my insecurity; I was no good at relationships and worse at relationships with the opposite sex. I was rejected by my mother, the girl at the dance in Corstorphine School, by many girls at the few dances I had attended, and now by the girl I desired most. I wanted to dump her for doing this to me but I was driven to stay with her because I was reinfatuated with her due to a rise in dopamine as she told me (the surge of excitement I felt at that moment is a well-known effect). My insecurity also forced me to take her back because I thought I would never meet anyone better. My feelings have since then have vacillated and the dilemma unresolved. After she met Bill secretly for the bus trip, I did not understand her need for secrecy. After left fuming, I went into town, met a male friend, and got drunk. We went to the Mens University Association dance and probably because I was drunk, I met a girl Liza Feltman. I was her type and we got on well. I was primed for revenge and in my friends car I had her kickers off and we were snogging with my fingers in her wet crotch giving her pleasure. We did the same for two nights. On one of these nights, my pants were down and she masturbated me. She was much better than Jill was at this, but we were interrupted before I reached orgasm. I asked her to have to have sex with me. The only day she could manage when her mother was out was the day Jill and I were to be engaged at her 21st birthday party in the evening at a venue in town. I went round to Lizas from 2 pm until 5 pm. We spent the afternoon naked in Lizas bed. I fingered her as usual, she masturbated me hard, and we snogged passionately. When she got me hard, I sat up in bed and put on a condom. When Liza saw the size of my erect penis, she gasped as Jill had done first time she saw it. It is above average length by an inch or so but very fat. I did not know Liza suffered from vulvovaginitis so the sight of my fat penis resulted in her vagina tightening up so much that it made penetration impossible. We spent the three hours trying three times (I had a pack of three condoms) but I did not succeed in relaxing her vagina so we never had sex nor did I reach orgasm. Afterwards I went home, had a shower, and went to Jills party. She was very relieved to see me thinking that she had made one mistake too many. We danced and kissed. Before we exchanged rings I told Jill broadly what had taken place between Liza and me. I followed Jills example of not going into detail. I had only known Liza for 5 days. Jill said she was not in a position to be hurt or offended and she wanted to forget it and exchange rings. Now I understood how easy it was to get intimate and into bed with someone very quickly, once you had broken down the barriers with someone else before. I had my revenge but I was not proud of it and I saw Liza again to apologise and explain the whole situation. We remained friends for about a year.

Alcohol
Being pleasantly drunk with alcohol or even very drunk reduces inhibitions and shyness. You can be irresponsible in many ways including sexually and it is more difficult to resist sexual pleasure and urges. Your thought processing is slow as are your reactions. You feel good and are not so aware of your surroundings. You are partially not even aware of what you are doing and you are much less inhibited. You are irresponsible, and do stupid things and take chances. You do and say things you

would not do if you were sober. You are carried away by the moment and unless something jolts you to reality, you will not stop. Everything seems more exciting and you try things out. When reality sets in you realise what you have done. Infatuation is immensely more powerful than being drunk. Alcohol was involved in most of Jills liaisons with men and men are very well aware of its effect on girls. They ply girls with drinks or beer while keeping themselves mostly sober to take liberties.

Conclusions
As regards Hans, Jill mind is full of emotions caused by her depression before she goes, the anxiety about travelling and working in Schleswig Holstein, the new location, and the fun at the fair. She attributes these feelings to Hans and to a lesser extent, some of the others increase the PEA in her brain that reduces serotonin and thus increasing sexual desires temporarily confusing her, the only serious event (but it could have been very serious) is that these emotions lead to sex with Hans. This is why infatuation is dangerous. By the time she returns, she has pretty much forgotten the sex using her memory blocking technique and the details she tells me are vague. Hans was insignificant and unimportant. Jill and I have been similarly infatuated by travel as on our first trip to Crete and coming home was very difficult. In this case, there was the excitement of the taxi ride, the sea, the sun, the beautiful location, and meeting different people; in fact, Jill feels that Crete surpassed Schleswig Holstein by far. All the other events all have explanations that show her up in a much more positive light, even the endemic kissing and snogging have roots in her childhood. As a lonely an only child Jill was a very secret person. She learned as a child to live in a secret fantasy world and learned not to communicate with people about this world. She still harbours many secrets about sex, masturbation, sex drive, fears, past events, and me. She still cannot be open and unload these secrets. This is exactly the problem that contributed to the events of Schleswig Holstein in 1972. She is still afraid of confrontation. I am quite angry she kept the truth about her guilt about the casual nature of the sex from me for 40 years. No wonder it continued to bother me. I suppose I knew I had been fed a story that was plausible and enabled Jill to hold her head up. My mind could not correlate her letters, the love affair, the diary and my knowledge of the way men think and behave. It did not add up. I detected the guilt in her letters, yet she never apologised for sleeping with him only for not writing. This was true afterwards when she returned. It took her 40 years to admit she was ashamed of the way she behaved and this admission was only prompted my efforts and imagination. What is also astonishing is that despite all the trouble I was having with this, Jills self-preservation attitude stopped her ever analysing the Hans affair in a search for the truth. I was left to do this. She could not face up to the truth herself never mind tell me. Only today, 14th December 2011 did she finally admit to what I have now deduced, namely that after the sex she possibly knew she did not love him and she was guilty because she had broken her rule about casual sex. Hans was one of the man with whom she openly communicated about some of her worries, secrets, and private life. She had never done this before and has never done it since. I think this was because her feelings for him were the most intense she has ever felt for any one and she could lower her selfpreservation guard with him. It is natural that I resent this and this makes her infatuation for him difficult to forget.

Although romantic love and infatuation are the same experience, one can make a clear distinction between the slow burning romantic love Jill and I shared. Because it was slow, we knew quite a bit about each other. The infatuation with Hans was largely misattributed and fast Jill knew almost nothing about him. This is why her decision to have sex was irresponsible and definitely wrong. I think after this analysis Jill seems redeemed and I appear less than the perfect boyfriend who deserved what I got. Jill always wins in the end, the Nesbits do. I displayed selfishness and stubbornness, but Jill and her father are more selfish and stubborn than anyone I know. Jill has turned very much like her father. Her mother was kinder and her mother would present the fathers view if he had expressed an opinion and her own view only if her father did not care. Over the years when Jills father was alive, there were many secret discussions about our private affairs and me. When Jills father died, Jill started to treat me differently; she became more controlling as if trying to take on some of her fathers power he had over me. Since Jills father was a much more powerful and strong willed person than my own father I automatically had much the same fear of Jills father as I had of my own. I have described how most of Jills early relationship with me involved many other encounters with other men that were encouraged, enabled, contrived, and enacted with Janet Mitten (now Janet Barbour) possibly in collaboration or at the suggestion via Janets parents by Jills mother and possibly Michaela in Schleswig Holstein. I now know that anything Jill confided in with Janet, which Jill might not tell her mother, was passed to Janets parents then to Jills parents. This information highway was two-way. If Jills mother wanted to get Jill to go out to meet other men, Jills mother could pass a message back to Janet. I still have a feeling that I ended up with Jill and put up with all the other men and kissing because I did not believe I could do any better. I knew Jill was easy and did not put up much of a fight when I took sexual liberties with her. Thus, I should not have been surprised about what happened with other men who had proper social skills and knew how to seduce women. I definitely knew this subconsciously. My only course of action was to try to stop Jill meeting other men and these efforts only made the situation worse. That reflected my naivety.