1

00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:04,000

Do you know what this is all about?
Know why we're here?
2
00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:06,400
To be out. This is out.
3
00:00:06,500 --> 00:00:10,500
Out is one of the single most
enjoyable experiences of life.
4
00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:12,600
Know how people talk about
"We should go out"?
5
00:00:12,700 --> 00:00:14,600
This is what they're talking about.
6
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,400
This whole thing. We're all out now.
7
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:17,800
No one is home.
8
00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:20,400
Not one person here is home.
We're all out.
9
00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:23,600
There are people trying to find us.
They don't know where we are.
10
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,000
"Did you re...? I can't find him.
Where did he go?
11
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:29,400
He didn't tell me where he was going.
He must have gone out."
12
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:33,100
You wanna go out. You get ready,
you pick out the clothes, right?
13
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:35,000
You take the shower, get all ready...

14
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:38,600
...get the cash, get your friends,
the car, the spot, the reservation.
15
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:40,400
Then you stand around.
What do you do?
16
00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:42,500
You go, "We gotta be getting back."
17
00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:45,700
Once you're out,
you wanna get back.
18
00:00:45,900 --> 00:00:48,800
You wanna go to sleep, you wanna
get up, wanna go out again tomorrow.
19
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:50,200
Wherever you are in life...
20
00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,200
...it's my feeling, you've gotta go.
21
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:01,500
See, to me, that button's
in the worst possible spot.
22
00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:04,600
The second button literally
makes or breaks the shirt.
23
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:06,400
Look at it. It's too high.
24
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,300
It's in no man's land. You look like
you live with your mother.
25
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:10,800
Are you through?
26
00:01:10,900 --> 00:01:12,700
You do, of course,
try on when you buy.

27
00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:14,600
Yes, it was purple. I liked it.
28
00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,800
I don't actually recall
considering the buttons.
29
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:18,600
Oh, you don't recall.
30
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,500
No, not at this time.
31
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,200
Senator, I'd like to know what
you knew and when you knew it.
32
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,800
Mr. Seinfeld, Mr. Costanza.
33
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,200
Are you sure this is decaf?
34
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:29,800
Where's the orange indicator?
35
00:01:29,900 --> 00:01:32,600
It's missing.
I have to do it in my head.
36
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:34,800
Decaf left, regular right.
37
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,400
Decaf left, regular right.
38
00:01:37,500 --> 00:01:39,300
It's very challenging work.
39
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,600
Can you relax? It's a cup of coffee.
40
00:01:43,700 --> 00:01:46,000
- Claire's a professional waitress.
- Trust me, George.

41
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,500
No one has any interest
in seeing you on caffeine.
42
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,300
How come you're not doing
the second show tomorrow?
43
00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:55,800
Well, there's this woman
who might be coming in.
44
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:58,100
Wait a second. Wait a second.
45
00:01:58,200 --> 00:01:59,900
What coming in?
What woman's coming in?
46
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,400
I told you about Laura,
the girl I met in Michigan.
47
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,600
- You didn't.
- I thought I told you about her.
48
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,400
Yeah. She teaches political science...
49
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:09,100
...I met her the night I did
the show in Lansing.
50
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,500
- There's no milk in here.
- Wait.
51
00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:13,600
What is she...
What is she like?
52
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,600
Oh, she's really great.
She's got a real warmth about her.
53
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,400

And she's really bright

and really pretty.
54
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:22,200
And the conversation,
though, I mean, it was...
55
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:24,300
Talking with her was like
talking with you...
56
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:26,400
...but, you know,
obviously much better.
57
00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:29,200
So, you know, what happened?
58
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,500
Well, nothing happened.
But it was great.
59
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,600
Nothing happened, but it was...
This is great.
60
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:35,000
- Yeah.
- So, you know...
61
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,100
...she called and said
she wants to go out?
62
00:02:37,300 --> 00:02:39,800
God bless. You devil, you.
63
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,600
Yeah. Well, not exactly.
64
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,500
I mean, she said...
She called this morning and said...
65
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:47,200
...she had to come in for a seminar,
maybe we'd get together.

66
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:50,400
"Had to"?
67
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,400
- "Had to come in"?
- Yeah, but...
68
00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:53,900
- "Had to come in"?
- Yeah, but...
69
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:55,300
"And maybe we'll get together"?
70
00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:56,900
"Had to" and "maybe"?
71
00:02:57,100 --> 00:02:59,100
- Yeah.
- No, no.
72
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,400
I hate to tell you this.
You're not gonna see her.
73
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,700
What? Are you serious?
Why did she call?
74
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,000
What do I know?
Maybe she wanted to be polite.
75
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:07,900
To be polite?
76
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,000
- You are insane.
- All right.
77
00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:12,400
I didn't want to tell you.
Wanna know why she called?
78
00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:14,200
You're a backup.

79
00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:17,300
You're a second line,
a "just in case"...
80
00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:20,600
...a B plan, a contingency.
81
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,700
Oh, I get it. This is about the button.
82
00:03:23,700 --> 00:03:26,100
Claire. Claire, you're a woman, right?
83
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:28,400
What gave it away, George?
84
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:30,000
I'd like to ask you...
85
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,000
Ask you to analyze a hypothetical
phone call, you know...
86
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:35,100
...from a female point of view.
- Oh, come on.
87
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,700
What are you asking her?
Now, how's she gonna know?
88
00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:40,500
Now, a woman calls me, right?
89
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,100
She says she has to...
90
00:03:43,700 --> 00:03:46,000
...come to New York on business...
- You're beautiful.
91
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:47,600
And maybe...
92
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:49,300
...she'll see me when she gets in.

93
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,500
Does this woman intend
to spend time with me?
94
00:03:51,900 --> 00:03:53,900
I'd have to say no.
95
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,000
So why did she call?
96
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,000
- Be polite.
- To be polite.
97
00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:03,400
- I rest my case.
- Good, good. Did you have fun?
98
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,000
You have no idea what you're
talking about. Come with me.
99
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,000
I gotta go get my stuff
out of the dryer.
100
00:04:08,100 --> 00:04:11,500
- I'm not gonna watch you do laundry.
- Oh, come on. Be a "come-with" guy.
101
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:12,900
Come on. I'm tired.
102
00:04:13,100 --> 00:04:15,500
Don't worry.
I gave him a little caffeine.
103
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,800
- He'll perk up.
- Right. I knew I felt something.
104
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,700
Jerry, I have to tell you something.
105
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,200
This is the dullest moment

I've ever experienced.

106
00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:36,400
Oh, look at this guy.
107
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:39,400
Look, he's got everything.
He's got detergents, sprays...
108
00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:43,000
...fabric softener.
This is not his first load.
109
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,700
I need a break, Jerry.
I gotta get out of the city.
110
00:04:46,900 --> 00:04:50,100
- I feel so cramped...
- You didn't hear how she sounded.
111
00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:52,000
- What?
- Laura.
112
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,500
I can't believe...
We already discussed this.
113
00:04:55,700 --> 00:04:57,200
Yeah, but how could you
be so sure?
114
00:04:57,300 --> 00:05:01,200
Because it's signals, Jerry.
It's signals. Don't you...?
115
00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:06,700
All right. Did she even ask you what
you were doing tomorrow night...
116
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:08,200
...if you were busy?
- No.
117
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:11,200
She calls you today,
she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow?

118
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,200
- What is that? It's Saturday night.
- Yeah.
119
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,700
What is that? It's ridiculous.
120
00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:17,900
You don't even know
what hotel she's staying at.
121
00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:20,400
You can't call her.
That's a signal, Jerry.
122
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:22,800
That's a signal. Signal.
123
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:27,300
- Maybe you're right.
- Maybe I'm right?
124
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,200
Of course I'm right.
125
00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:31,500
This is insane.
126
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,800
You know, I don't even know
where she's staying.
127
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,200
She's not gonna call me.
128
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:38,400
- This is unbelievable.
- I know, I know. It's tough.
129
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,000
Listen, your stuff
has to be done by now.
130
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,700
Why don't you just see if it's dry.

131
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,700
No, no, no.
Don't interrupt the cycle.
132
00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:49,100
The machine is working. It knows
what it's doing. Just let it finish.
133
00:05:49,300 --> 00:05:52,100
- You're gonna overdry it.
- You can't overdry.
134
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:54,600
- Why not?
- Same reason you can't overwet.
135
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,800
You see, once something
is wet, it's wet.
136
00:05:58,700 --> 00:06:00,000
Same thing with death.
137
00:06:00,100 --> 00:06:02,300
Like, once you die,
you're dead. Right?
138
00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:04,700
Let's say you drop dead
and I shoot you.
139
00:06:04,900 --> 00:06:07,200
You're not gonna die again.
You're already dead.
140
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,000
You can't "overdie," you can't overdry.
141
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,400
Any questions?
142
00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:21,200
How could she not tell me
where she was staying?
143
00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:29,100
Look at that. They're done.

Look at that.
144
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:33,800
Laundry day is the only
exciting day...
145
00:06:33,900 --> 00:06:35,300
...in the life of clothes.
146
00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:37,800
It is. No, think about it.
The washing machine...
147
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,500
...is the nightclub of clothes.
148
00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:42,800
You know, it's dark,
there's bubbles happening...
149
00:06:42,900 --> 00:06:45,100
...they're all kind of
dancing around in there.
150
00:06:45,300 --> 00:06:48,200
A shirt grabs the underwear.
"Come on, babe. Let's go."
151
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,600
You come by, open up the lid
and they all...
152
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,600
Socks are the most
amazing article of clothing.
153
00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,900
They hate their lives.
They're with stinky feet...
154
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:00,700
...the boring drawers.
155
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,100
The dryer is their only chance
to escape and they all know it.
156

00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:07,600

They do escape from the dryer.
They plan it in the hamper...
157
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,600
...the night before.
"Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm going.
158
00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,200
You wait here."
159
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:18,400
The dryer door swings open, the sock
is waiting up against the side wall.
160
00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:24,000
He hopes you don't see him,
then he goes down the road.
161
00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:28,200
They get buttons sewn on their face,
join a puppet show.
162
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,500
So they're showing me
on television...
163
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:34,200
...the detergents
getting out bloodstains.
164
00:07:34,900 --> 00:07:38,000
Is this a violent image to anybody?
Bloodstains?
165
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,800
Come on. You got a T-shirt
with bloodstains all over it...
166
00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:44,000
...maybe laundry isn't your
biggest problem right now.
167
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:49,200
Maybe you ought to get the harpoon
out of your chest first.
168
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:15,300

If you know what happened in the Met

game, don't tell me. I taped it. Hello.
169
00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:18,800
Yeah. No, I'm sorry.
You have the wrong number.
170
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,200
Yeah. No...
171
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,300
- Yeah.
- You up?
172
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:24,700
Yeah.
173
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,700
People do move.
174
00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:29,900
Have you ever seen the big trucks
out on the street?
175
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:31,500
Yeah, no problem.
176
00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:36,000
- Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?
- Oh, what are you doing?
177
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,000
Kessler, it's a tape.
I taped the game.
178
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,400
It's 1:00 in the morning.
179
00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:44,900
I avoided human contact
all night to watch this.
180
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:48,200
Hey, I'm sorry.
You know, I thought you knew.
181
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,000

You got any meat?

182
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,600
Meat?
183
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:58,400
I don't know. Go hunt.
184
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:06,600
Well, what happened in the game,
anyway?
185
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,200
What happened?
186
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:10,300
Well, they stunk!
That's what happened.
187
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,900
You know I almost wound up
going to that game?
188
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:21,600
You almost went to the game. You
haven't left the building in 10 years.
189
00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:23,600
Yeah.
190
00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,200
- You done with this?
- No.
191
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,100
- When you're done, let me know.
- Yeah, yeah.
192
00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:14,200
You can have it tomorrow.
193
00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:18,000
I thought I wasn't allowed
to be in here this weekend.
194
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,500
No, it's okay now.

That girl's not coming.

195
00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:23,600
I misread the whole thing.
196
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,700
You want me to talk to her?
197
00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:31,600
I don't think so.
198
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,400
No, I can be very persuasive.
199
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,400
You know that I was
almost a lawyer?
200
00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:39,600
That close, huh?
201
00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:41,700
You better believe it.
202
00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:46,700
Hello.
203
00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:48,200
Oh, hi, Laura.
204
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,200
- Oh, give me it. Let me talk.
- No. What's up?
205
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:54,300
- Well, let me talk to her.
- I'm always up at this hour.
206
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,800
How are you? Great.
207
00:10:57,900 --> 00:10:59,300
Sure.
208
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,400
What time does the plane get in?

209
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,500
- I'll get my friend George to take me.
- Now slide!
210
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,100
Out. Do you believe that?
211
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,200
It's just my neighbor.
212
00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:12,400
Yeah, I got it. 10: 15.
213
00:11:12,900 --> 00:11:15,100
No, don't be silly.
Go ahead and ask.
214
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:18,200
Yeah, sure.
215
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,300
Okay, great. No, no.
It's no trouble at all.
216
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,200
I'll see you tomorrow.
217
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:26,300
Great. Bye.
218
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,300
I don't believe it.
219
00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:31,500
That was her.
She wants to stay here.
220
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:44,100
If my father moved this,
he'd have a cigarette...
221
00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:46,700
...in his mouth the whole way.
"Have you got your end?
222

00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:49,400

Your end's got to come down first.
Easy, now. Drop it down.
223
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,800
Drop it down.
Your end's gotta come down."
224
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,500
You know, I can't believe you're
bringing in an extra bed...
225
00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:56,600
...for a woman that wants
to sleep with you.
226
00:11:56,700 --> 00:11:59,000
Why don't you bring in
an extra guy too.
227
00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:02,200
Look, it's a very awkward situation.
228
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,300
- I don't wanna be presumptuous.
- All right.
229
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,100
One more time. One more time.
230
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:10,000
What was the exact phrasing
of the request?
231
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,400
All right. She said she couldn't
find a decent hotel room.
232
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,000
- A decent hotel room.
- Yeah, a decent hotel room.
233
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,900
Would it be terribly inconvenient
if she stayed at my place?
234
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,400
You can't be serious.

235
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:26,000
This is New York City. There must
be 11 million decent hotel rooms.
236
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,000
What do you need, a flag?
237
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,700
This is the signal, Jerry.
238
00:12:29,900 --> 00:12:32,900
- This is the signal.
- This is the signal.
239
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,200
Thank you, Mr. Signal.
Where were you yesterday?
240
00:12:35,300 --> 00:12:37,200
I think I was affected
by the caffeine.
241
00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:41,000
Good dog. Good dog. All right.
242
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,600
Hey, he really likes you, George.
243
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,500
Well, that's flattering.
244
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,300
He's getting a drink of water.
245
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,000
- Is this for that girl?
- Yeah.
246
00:12:56,100 --> 00:12:59,400
- Why even give her an option?
- This is a person I like.
247
00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:01,800
It's not how to score
on spring break.

248
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,500
Can we go? I'm double-parked.
I'm gonna get a ticket.
249
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,600
Yeah, okay. Wait a second.
I forgot to clean the bathroom.
250
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,000
So what? That's good.
251
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:12,000
- How could that be good?
- Because filth is good.
252
00:13:12,100 --> 00:13:14,600
What do you think, rock stars
have sponges and ammonia...
253
00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:16,000
...lying around the bathroom?
254
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:18,600
You think they have a woman
coming over, "I gotta tidy up"?
255
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,100
In these matters, you never do
what instincts tell you.
256
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:23,000
Always, always do the opposite.
257
00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:25,200
- This is how you operate?
- Yeah, I wish.
258
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:30,400
- Let me just wipe the sink.
- Why even give her an option for?
259
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,400
- It's unbelievable.
- Yeah.
260
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,600
How's the real estate business?

261
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:44,500
It's not bad. It's coming along.
262
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,800
Why, did you need something?
263
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:50,300
You handle any of that commercial...
264
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,500
...real estate that...?
265
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,000
Well, I might be getting into that.
266
00:13:56,100 --> 00:13:59,800
- You keep me posted.
- I'm aware of you. All right, let's go.
267
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,300
Let's go. You're on-stage
in 25 minutes.
268
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:07,100
The dating world is not a fun world.
269
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:09,800
It's a pressure world.
270
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,400
It's a world of tension,
it's a world of pain.
271
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:15,500
If a woman comes over to my house,
I gotta get that bathroom ready...
272
00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:17,900
...because she needs things.
I don't know what.
273
00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:20,200
I know I don't have it, I know that.
274
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,600

You know what they need?

Women need cotton balls.
275
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:26,100
This is one... Always been one of
the most amazing things to me.
276
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:28,500
I have no cotton balls.
We're all human beings.
277
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:31,000
What is the story?
I've never had one...
278
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,300
...I never bought one,
I never needed one.
279
00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:35,900
I've never been in a situation
where I thought to myself:
280
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,900
"I could use a cotton ball right now.
281
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,600
I could certainly
get out of this mess."
282
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,100
Women need them.
And they don't need one or two.
283
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,700
They need thousands of them.
They need bags.
284
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,900
They're like peat moss bags.
Have you ever seen these giant bags?
285
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,300
They're huge...
286
00:14:51,500 --> 00:14:54,600
...and two days later, they're out.
They're gone. The bag is empty.

287
00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:57,500
Where are the cotton balls, ladies?
What are you doing with them?
288
00:14:57,700 --> 00:15:00,400
The only time I ever see them
is in the bottom of wastebaskets.
289
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:04,200
Two or three look like they've been
through some horrible experience.
290
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,600
Tortured, interrogated,
I don't know what happened to them.
291
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,400
I once went out with a girl, she left
a little bag of cotton balls at my house.
292
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:16,100
I didn't know what to do. I put them
on the floor like little tumbleweeds.
293
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,200
I thought cockroaches
would see it...
294
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:20,400
...figure, "This is a dead town.
Let's move on."
295
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,100
The dating world
is a world of pressure.
296
00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:27,200
Let's face it, a date is a job interview
that lasts all night.
297
00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:29,600
The difference between
a date and job interview is...
298
00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:33,400
...not many interviews is there a
chance you'll end up naked at the end.

299
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:36,700
You know, " Bill, the boss thinks
you're the man for the position...
300
00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:39,800
...strip down and meet the people
you'll be working with."
301
00:15:43,700 --> 00:15:47,100
Wouldn't it be great if you could ask
a woman what she's thinking?
302
00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:50,600
What a world it would be if you could
just ask a woman what she's thinking.
303
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:53,700
You know, instead I'm like a detective.
I gotta pick up clues.
304
00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:55,900
The whole thing's
a murder investigation.
305
00:15:56,300 --> 00:15:59,200
Listen, don't get worked up.
You're gonna know the whole story...
306
00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:01,200
...the minute she steps off.
- Really, how?
307
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,000
It's all in the greeting. All right.
308
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:06,000
If she puts the bags down before
she greets you, that's a good sign.
309
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,800
- Anything in the lip area is good.
- Lip area.
310
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,400
- A hug, definitely good.
- Hug is definitely good.

311
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:14,000
What if it's one of those hugs
where the shoulders touch...
312
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,200
...the hips are eight feet apart?
- Brutal.
313
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:19,000
- You know how they do that?
- Also, a shake is bad.
314
00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:21,100
Shake is bad. But what if
it's the two-hander?
315
00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:23,800
Hand on bottom, hand on top.
The warm look in the eyes.
316
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:25,100
- Hand sandwich?
- Right.
317
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,000
It's open to interpretation.
So much depends on the layering...
318
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:29,900
...the quality of the wetness
in the eyes...
319
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,700
- Guess who.
- Hey, hey. He...
320
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,700
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, hey.
321
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:40,900
- It's good to see you.
- Hi.
322
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,400
- This is my friend George.
- Oh, hi.

323
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:44,800
- How are you?
- This is Laura.
324
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:48,000
- Sure, Laura, sure.
- I can't believe you're here.
325
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,500
- Get the bags.
- Yeah, sure, the bags.
326
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,300
- Here, Laura. I'm sorry.
- Oh, thank you.
327
00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:57,800
That was an interesting greeting.
Notice that, George?
328
00:16:57,900 --> 00:16:59,800
Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting.
329
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,800
That wasn't in the manual.
330
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,400
So...
331
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,000
...what do you think?
332
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:10,800
This place isn't so bad.
333
00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:13,900
Yeah, it kind of motivates me
to work on the road.
334
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,400
So make yourself at home.
335
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:37,200
So can I get you anything?
336
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,000

Bread, water...
337
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,400
...salad dressing?
338
00:17:41,900 --> 00:17:44,400
Actually, do you have any wine?
339
00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:47,800
Yeah, I think I do.
340
00:17:51,300 --> 00:17:53,000
Do you mind if I turn this down?
341
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,700
No. Yeah, go...
Go right ahead. Yeah.
342
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,400
Jerry, I was wondering...
343
00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:04,900
...would it be possible,
and if it's not, fine...
344
00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:07,400
...for me to stay here
tomorrow night too?
345
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,800
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Yeah, why don't you stay.
346
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,400
Yeah.
347
00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:17,000
What is your schedule
for tomorrow?
348
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:18,400
Are you doing anything?
349
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:19,800
No, I'd love to do something.
350

00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,500

I have my seminar in the morning,
but after I'm wide open.
351
00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:24,300
Really? What would you like to do?
352
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:25,800
Well...
353
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:29,000
...I know this sounds touristy,
but I'd love to go on one of those...
354
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,600
...five-hour boat rides
around Manhattan.
355
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,400
Yeah, we could do that.
356
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,800
Why not? Why not?
357
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,700
I'm just... I'm really glad you're here.
358
00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:46,400
Hello.
359
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:48,800
Yes.
360
00:18:48,900 --> 00:18:51,200
Yes, she is. Hold on.
361
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:53,200
It's for you.
362
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,400
Hello?
363
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:57,700
Hi.
364
00:18:57,900 --> 00:19:00,800

No, no. It was great, right on time.

365
00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:03,300
No, I'm gonna stay here tomorrow.
366
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,200
Yes. Yes, it's fine.
367
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,100
No, we're going on a boat ride.
368
00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:11,700
Don't be silly.
369
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,100
I'm not gonna have
this conversation.
370
00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:17,000
Look, I'll call you tomorrow.
371
00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:18,800
Okay. Bye.
372
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:21,300
Never get engaged.
373
00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:25,300
You're engaged?
374
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,900
You know, you really have no idea
what it's like until you do it.
375
00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:31,200
I'm on this emotional roller coaster.
376
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,700
You're engaged?
377
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,400
You know, I can't believe it
myself sometimes.
378
00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:38,000
You have to start thinking

in terms of "we."
379
00:19:38,100 --> 00:19:40,800
- It's a very stressful situation.
- You're engaged.
380
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,400
- Yeah, he's a great guy.
- Yeah.
381
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,500
You'd really like him.
382
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:48,800
- I can't wait to get on that boat.
- Me too.
383
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,200
I swear, I have absolutely no idea
what women are thinking.
384
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:57,100
I don't get it, okay?
I admit, I'm not getting the signals.
385
00:19:57,300 --> 00:19:58,800
I am not getting it.
386
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:03,000
Women, they're so subtle. Their little...
Everything they do is subtle.
387
00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:07,000
Men are not subtle. We are obvious.
388
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,400
Women know what men want,
men know what men want.
389
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,800
What do we want?
We want women. That's it.
390
00:20:15,300 --> 00:20:18,100
It's the only thing we know for sure.
It really is.
391

00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,800

We want women.
How do we get them?
392
00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:21,600
We don't know about that.
We don't know.
393
00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:23,800
The next step after that,
we have no idea.
394
00:20:23,900 --> 00:20:27,600
This is why you see men honking car
horns, yelling from construction sites.
395
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,200
These are the best ideas
we've had so far.
396
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:35,800
The car horn honk.
Is that the beauty?
397
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:38,100
Have you seen men doing this?
398
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,200
What is this? The man is in the car.
399
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,300
The woman walks by
the front of the car.
400
00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:43,800
He honks the...
401
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,600
This man is out of ideas.
402
00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:51,000
How does the...?
403
00:20:54,300 --> 00:20:56,400
I don't think she likes me.
404
00:20:58,100 --> 00:21:00,400

The amazing thing is that we still

get women, don't we?
405
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:02,200
I mean, men are with women.
406
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:03,900
You see men with women.
407
00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:07,000
How are men getting women?
Many people wonder.
408
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,400
Let me tell you a little bit
about our organization.
409
00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:15,000
Wherever women are, we have a man
working on the situation right now.
410
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:18,400
Now, he may not be our best man...
411
00:21:19,900 --> 00:21:21,700
...okay, we have a lot of areas
to cover...
412
00:21:21,900 --> 00:21:25,600
...but someone from our staff
is on the scene.
413
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,200
That's why men get frustrated...
414
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,200
...when we see women
reading articles...
415
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,700
...like "Where to Meet Men."
416
00:21:32,300 --> 00:21:34,700
We're here. We are everywhere.
417
00:21:35,100 --> 00:21:37,700
We're honking our horns

to serve you better.

418
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,200
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