A Bastard's Guide to Dating

By Shyanne Neiman
(WARNING: THIS eBOOK CONTAINS CRUDE AND OBJECTIONABLE LANGUAGE)

Section 1
Foreword

Section 2
WOMEN - God's Way of Telling You to Fuck Yourself

Section 3
Your Problem, In a Nutshell

Section 4
No More Mr. Nice Guy

Section 5
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Reel Her In

Section 6
God Bless The Internet

Section 7
She Bought the Bait!

Section 8
Tips to Keep in Mind...

Section 9
Final Thoughts

Section 1
Foreword
In an ideal world, women would be like they were in 1950s sitcoms. They would giggle and squeal when you approach them, jump up and down when you make your move, and bend over backwards so you could pin them. Sure, the last one refers more to a school pin than to the kind of pinning you want, but we've got to draw the line somewhere. Even the 50s fantasy has its limits. The point is, things were much easier when men were men and women wanted to be the objects of your affection. You were Kings, we wished we could be treated like Queens, and all was right in the world. Unfortunately for you, things changed somewhere along the line. Now men are only as manly as we let them be, the majority of Queens have the word "drag" in front of their titles, and the world is just alright. If you want your life to change from alright to absolutely fricking fabulous, you're going to need to reclaim the manliness that disappeared with that crazy little thing called the women's rights movement. You're going to have to learn how to stop being the nice guy that every woman says she wants, and become the bastard that every woman claims to hate. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous and it seems like women are much more likely to want the nice guy over the bastard. While you let that thought run through your head, take a moment and think of every woman you've ever seen crying, sniffling, or bitching about their boyfriends. Now take a minute to think of how often you've heard those women say, "I don't know why I always end up with the bastards." Assuming that you've heard those words as often as the rest of the human race has, you can probably see a metaphorical light bulb flashing right now: Women always end up with bastards because that is what they secretly want. With that said, it's time for you to move from hero to zero. (I know that's not a common goal, but it's also not common for a guy to get just about any girl he wants. Think about it.) By the time you finish this e-book, you'll know how to shed your nice guy ensemble and transform yourself into the bastard women crave. You'll learn why women secretly want bastards, how you can become that bastard, and what you should do once you reach that bastard status. You'll also learn some great tips on where to meet women, where to take them, and what to do with them once you have them all to yourself. So, read this e-book, take notes, and get ready to be the best bastard you can be.

Happy reading, boys! Shyanne Neiman ~The Chick Who's about to Change Your World

Section 2 WOMEN - God's Way of Telling You to Fuck Yourself

In the beginning, Adam had it made. The Garden of Eden was his for the taking, and he could do whatever he wanted. He could have anything his heart desired without working for it. He could sit around and choose names for every animal known to man. He could even frolic naked without getting thrown in the slammer. In the beginning, things were good. Then one day, God decided to give Adam the gift of Eve. Before he could claim his gift, he had to part with one of his ribs. That should have been Adam's first clue that the creation of woman would bring him nothing but pain. But as the story goes, Adam trusted Eve with everything, including the forbidden fruit he accepted from her. And from that day on, the lives of all men - including yours have been cursed. And Toto, I have a feeling we're not in the Garden of Eden anymore. The chances of getting back to the Garden of Eden are slim. Hell, we wouldn't even know where to look for it! But the good news is that you can finally begin to experience a life that's a bit more like Adam's life was before that fruit. This section will teach you why today's women are more like the serpent than they are like Eve, and it will teach you how to see through their slimy ways. Good luck and God speed, guys!

Five Common Misconceptions about Women

Women like to talk big. We like to sit around and bitch about all of the bastards in the world and we whine about the fact that we can't find a nice guy. Then when a nice guy shows his interest in us, we cringe and say, "He's just too nice." I realize how ridiculous that sounds and I wish I could explain why we say things like that. Unfortunately, the only way I could make you understand why women think this way would be to chop off your penis and put you through extensive hormone therapy. Since neither of us is in the mood for that, let's just say that the female preoccupation with bastards is one of nature's mysteries. I may not be able to solve that mystery for you, but I can help guide you through the mostly unknown mystery of why nice guys can't seem to score with women.

This section will describe the five most common misconceptions that men have about women. As soon as you learn to see these vicious rumors for what they really are, you'll have the advantage over every other man who can't see through the bullshit. And believe me, this bullshit is so deep that you would need a shovel to dig through it!

1. Women like men with souls.

I don't know who is responsible for spreading this rumor, but I can assure you that it's not true. Women like to talk about how they want nice, pleasant, goodhearted men, but that's simply not the truth. When it all comes down to it, women want men who are more on the side of the Seven Deadly Sins than the Seven Contrary Virtues. So, forget about faith, hope, charity, courage, justice, prudence, and abstinence. They might get you far in the eyes of the church, but they won't do shit for your dating life.

2. Women like men who will treat them 'right.'

Sure, that's what we want you to think. We like to tell you that we want guys who will pull out our chairs, send us flowers, compliment us, and cook us dinner. Well, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Women have come a long way over the past several millennia. Nowadays, we have the arm strength to pull out our own chairs, we have no need for gifts that represent decay, we already know how good we look, and we're more than capable of ordering out for dinner. So, if treating us 'right' is your game plan, you're going to be in for a long round of solitaire. And just to be clear, solitaire is a game for one.

3. Women like men who dote on them.

Contrary to popular belief, women need some alone time, too. We don't like it when men are always around, waiting to be helpful. Sometimes we want to be bitchy and avoid thinking about the light at the end of the tunnel, so we don't need you to always be there with encouraging words. Sometimes we want to watch TV without a drink, so we don't need you to consistently ask if we need anything. Sometimes we want to take a bubble bath and relieve our stress without you asking if we want to be washed. Remember - our self-learned cleanliness is one of the things that attracted you to begin with. The point is, we are self-sufficient on our own, and we don't need you to always play the hero.

4. Women like men who are sensitive.

Women like men who are sensitive about as much as men like women with gonorrhea. And unless you belong to a very strange breed of men, I'm sure we can all agree that gonorrhea is not too high on a man's list of necessary priorities. Women have enough emotional hormones as it is. The last thing we want to do is sit around and pat your back while you let out a good, long sobbing session while

you watch the Titanic sink. Sure, we all hate the idea of a life without Leonardo, but we don't want to think about how sad you would be in a life without Leonardo. Please be a man and leave the sensitivity to us!

5. Women DON'T like bastards.

This is perhaps the biggest misconception of all. We may not like bastards in theory, but we sure do love them in practice. I don't know exactly what it is about them, but we just can't get enough of them. Maybe it's the way they look or the way they speak. Maybe it all stems down to the fact that we crave unobtainable things. Whatever the reason is, the point is still the same. Women love bastards. Case closed.

What Women Really Want

Incase you haven't gotten this point yet, what women really want is a bastard to bitch about. The best way to explain what we want is to break down the word "bastard" to its barest elements. No, that doesn't mean we're going to look at the definition of the word. Believe it or not, this isn't a fricking dictionary. So, let's put technical definitions aside and take a look at bastards for what they really are.

Ode to the B~A~S~T~A~R~D

B is for brawn - We might not want men who are complete brutes, but we do like a bit of brawn in our guys. Basically, we just want men who won't hesitate to slam us against the wall and fuck our brains out, rather than treat us like we're flowers. A is for arrogance - When we meet a guy, we judge him the same way he judges himself. It's pretty tough for us to be crazy about a guy who isn't all that wild about himself. S is for sex appeal - I don't know what it is, but there's something about bastards that's incredibly sexy. Maybe it's the brawn, maybe it's the arrogance. Whatever it is, bastards are just sexy as hell-no matter what they look like. T is for thrill - Bastards are notorious for sweeping women off their feet. Unlike nice guys, bastards see what they want and they go for it. Sure, bastards might get slapped across the face every now and then, but that's well worth the pleasure they experience when they find a woman who's too excited to say 'no.' A is for anxiety - Part of the appeal of bastards is the anxiety that comes along with them. When we get involved with assholes, we don't know whether we're going to hear from them again or not. While it irritates the Hell out of us when that

phone call doesn't come, we secretly love the thrill of not knowing what to expect. R is for reassurance - You know the feeling you get when a super hot woman notices you? That's what it's like for women who get involved with bastards. We get so excited to capture his attention that we overlook what an ass he is to begin with. D is for drama - If nothing else, a relationship with a bastard never gets boring. Maybe he'll call, maybe he won't. Maybe he'll want to do something, maybe he won't. Since we can never tell what our favorite bastard is going to do, we get a sense of living on the edge. Dating a bastard might not sound all that exciting, but we've got to get our kicks where we can get them.

The Bullshit Device

When women are encountered by a nice guy they're just not willing to face, they automatically refer to what is scientifically known as the bullshit defense. If you hear a woman spout any of these lines, back away slowly and vacate the area. She knows you're a nice guy so all of your efforts are futile.

Absolute Bullshit
"I'm flattered, but I think of you as more of a brother."

Absolute Bullshit Decoded

"You sick fuck. I've seen your flu face and now you want me to see your cum face?" "If you still want to be friends in the morning, back off now because it's never going to happen." "I'm just not ready for a relationship with you." "I don't want you now and I won't want you then. Give it up." "I can't make it this weekend and I won't make it next weekend." "This guy just doesn't get it, does

"We're such good friends that I could never risk our friendship."

"I'm just not ready for a relationship." "I always figured we would wind up together in the end." "Sorry, I have plans this weekend."

"Sorry, I'm not available next

weekend, either." "Come to think of it, this whole month is just bad for me." "You know what? I think I'll be living on Mars by then."

he?" "Take a hint, asshole!"

"You've left me no choice but to kill you. See what you've done?"

Section 3 Your Problem, In a Nutshell

You're nice. You're funny. You're smart. You're charming. And you happen to have a fabulous ass. So, what could be the problem? Unfortunately, your problem lies in the very essence of who you are. While most women will eventually cherish a nice guy, they have to go through their fair share of bastards first. Somewhere down the road, that will work out great for you. In the meantime, your love life is doomed to blow-and as long as your love life blows, you're not likely to receive any other kind of blowing. I know. It's a cruel world. Fortunately for you, I've dealt with thousands of men with your exact problem and I know how to solve it. You don't need to become nicer, funnier, smarter, or more charming. You don't even need to improve the state of your ass. What you need to do is undergo the ultimate transformation; you need to go from nice guy to bastard. This section will teach you exactly what qualities you need to get rid of in order to make that transformation possible. It will explain everything that's wrong with what nice guys frequently do and say, and it will prepare you for the next step in your transformation. What's that next step, you ask? Well, if you would stop dilly-dallying to ask silly questions, you would find out. Follow me!

Nice Guy Syndrome

When women see a nice guy heading their way, their 'nice guy radar' goes wild. They hear sirens wail, they see lights flash, and they envision the metaphorical 'Please Don't Fuck Me' sign that is branded onto your chest like an enormous scarlet letter. (Or series of letters, if you want to get technical!) But since we're not too big on technicalities, let's move on to what you can do to polish those letters off your chest and change the letters on the sign to say 'I'm

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Too Good to Fuck You.' That might sound like the last thing you want your sign to say, but by the time you finish reading this e-book, you'll find yourself saying that much more than you ever thought you would.

Mr. Sensitivity A.K.A Mr. Wanker

As we already covered in the last section, women are really not into sensitivity. As much as we might bitch about the men who hold their balls while they park their asses on the couch for horror movie marathons, we need to see things like that in our partners. We don't want to come home from work, the salon, the gym, or wherever else we might go and find you crying along with a Lifetime movie. Sure, those are some sad fricking movies and they can certainly be addictive. Unfortunately, we can never hope to beat that addiction if we have to wean you off the chick flicks, too. If you want to intrigue a woman, you should find a way to do it that does not include sunsets, puppy dogs, or flowery poetry. Instead, try to pretend that we are women and you are a man. I know this is a far-fetched method, but trust me. Straight women really dig the straight man thing. Seriously.

Charity Equals Chastity

So, you do weekly volunteer work, donate money to nearly every charity you can find, and constantly prove that you are an all-around great citizen, do you? Well, Mr. Busy Pants, that doesn't leave you with an awful lot of time to be charitable to your penis, now does it? I appreciate your effort to save the world, but I really think you should try to save yourself first. While charity can be a wonderful feature to exhibit to a potential girlfriend, it can't take over your entire life. Sure, you can still do all of the wonderful things you want to do, but you're going to have to find something else to talk about, too. Even if you choose to be Capt. Planet during the day, you're going to have to take on more of a Superman role come nightfall. In other words, you don't have to stop being a good person, but you will have to find some conversation starters that don't include the environment, disease statistics, crime rates, poverty, or hunger. While these subjects are very important issues, they do not frequently inspire sexual urges-unless you consider absolute horror due to the conditions of the world as some form of bizarre foreplay. (Note: As the foreplay section later in this e-book might indicate, absolute horror is not a good way for you to go.)

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Friendship Won't Get You Laid

We all want to be friends first, don't we? After all, who wouldn't want to be with someone who we already know everything about before we tread into the dating realm? Who wouldn't want to date someone who we could read inside and out without the least bit of effort? Who wouldn't want to date someone who feels more like a brother or sister than like a stranger? The answer to all of these questions is simple: A non-incestuous person who wants a bit of passion and mystery in their dating lives would not want to be in a relationship with that special friend. While dating a friend sounds great in theory, it does not usually work in practice. Women were born with an extremely small window for 'getting to know you' time. If you do not make your move within the first couple of weeks of befriending your special lady, your name will move from the 'potential orgasm provider' category into the 'just a friend' category. And once you are labeled as 'just a friend,' you can never turn back. If you want to become more than a friend, you will have to make your intentions known. You'll have to plant some ball seeds, grow a set of balls, and be a man about it. You can't sit around and hope it will happen in the future. If you want it now, you have no choice but to try and get it now. And if you don't believe the importance of getting stuck in the 'just a friend' category, think of it this way: You've heard women say, "I just don't want to ruin our friendship.' The part of the message that you didn't hear is the part where they said that they're really just not into dating a guy who feels like their brother. In other words, if you want a woman to think of you in a sexual way, you should probably try that before she's seen you fart, burp, or do any of the other disgusting habits that men seem to find endearing.

Save the Chivalry for Your Grandma

When women think of chivalry, we think of medieval knights wooing ladies and princesses all around the grassy countryside. We think of all of the things that those knights do in the name of love and chivalry. We think of a completely fantastical world that we can barely even imagine. And just the thought of that world is enough to make us let out a sigh and smile. Then the phone rings in tune with our alarm clocks, our empty coffee pots mock us, and we have to boot our asses to work. As you can see, the luxuries of modern day living do not leave us with the time or means to really search the world for a chivalric knight. If we want to experience romance, we have to do it in

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between business meetings, household duties, traffic-filled commutes, and that crazy little thing called sleep. As sad as it may be, there is just no room for chivalry in this world. So, if you want to be the perfect gentleman, take your time, and woo the lady of your choosing, you're going to have to get in line behind the other guys who are willing to be direct. Sure, you can add a bit of chivalry once you secure yourself a woman, but that will not be the way to get her in the first place. If you want to spend your Saturday nights with anyone but your Grandma, you're going to have to make a move and step into the 21st Century. I've spent some time there myself, and I promise you, it's really not all that bad.

Why Nice Guys Aren't Sexy

The problem with nice guys is that they're just not sexy. The problem with women who say they want to be with nice guys is that they are not thinking about the here and now. Ideally, every woman wants to wind up with a nice guy some day. Unfortunately, that day is never today. What women really want is a man who starts off as a bastard and progressively transforms into a nice guy. That might suck for you at the moment, but it will all pay off in the future. It is much easier for a nice guy to transform into a bastard and then revert back to his nice ways than it is for a born bastard to change into a nice guy - ever. Trust me. I know! If you want to catch a woman, you're going to have to appeal to her zest for bastards before you can pull out the nice guy moves. If you wait until the time is right, all of the nice moves that would have previously annoyed the shit out of her will make her swoon and fall in love with you all over again. Then it will be time for the best part. Your befuddled girlfriend will have the chance to tell all of her friends about how she 'trained' you to become the absolutely perfect boyfriend. She'll think that she's responsible for your major change, and that bit of power will drive her wild. She'll think that she's a miracle worker, you're absurdly devoted to her, and all of the bastards she had to go through before she got to you paid off in the end. Then she will finally reach the point where she can gloat about her bastard to nice guy love story and she'll be yours forever. Sure, you and I will both know your little secret, but I won't tell if you don't!

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Words that Will Make Her Cringe

Nice guys aren't distinguishable just because of their looks and mannerisms; the foolish things that come out of their mouths are the absolute worst giveaways. This section deals with some of the worst possible things you could say if you are trying to convince her that you're a bastard. Hell, these are some of the worst things you could say if you are trying to convince her that you're a man, in general. If you want to improve your love life and get a girl to move past negative first base with you, make sure that you completely eliminate these unappealing phrases from your memory bank. To be fair, you can keep them in your word bank if you really want-but only if you remember these phrases so you can make fun of the other men who still haven't caught on.

What You Say

"Whatever you say." "I don't know. What do YOU want to do?"

What We Hear
"You think, therefore I am." "I don't have a creative bone in my body, so you're on your own." "This upsets me so much that I could cry. Maybe I'll just go watch Titanic again." "Why don't I just get a sex change?" "I guess I'll point out that my sex change didn't go through yet." "I suck. Plain and simple. I just suck." "My head I'd be scratchin' While my thoughts were busy hatchin'If I only had a brain..."

"If that's what you want..."

"Why don't we just cuddle?"

"Ladies first."

"I didn't mean to..."

"I'm not sure. What do YOU think?"

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"I have to go to the mall today. Do you want to go with me?"

"Excuse me for a moment. I seem to have misplaced my penis." "I am such a pussy."

"I'm sorry."

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Section 4 No More Mr. Nice Guy

At this point, you're either super excited to start your transformation or you're planning to jump off a bridge. I know it can be quite shocking to realize just how unsexy nice guys are, but there is hope for you yet. Making the transition from a nice guy to a bastard is a lot like any other program that requires you to change nearly everything about you-except this transition doesn't require 12 steps. In fact, it only really requires four simple steps that will be a piece of cake for you. 1. Admit that you were a pussy. 2. Decide that you would rather get some pussy than be a pussy. 3. Stop thinking about pussy long enough to train yourself. 4. Go get that pussy. By now, you have steps one and two under control. Now the next step is to learn how to become the ultimate bastard so you can move on to step four and utilize everything you've learned. This section will teach you the basics of being a bastard. You'll learn what the hell I'm talking about every time I tell you to be a bastard, and you'll learn how to become the bastard of all bastards. Say goodbye to Mr. Nice Guy!

The Difference Between Bastards and Dick Heads

By now, you know that you want to be a bastard because the bastards get all the girls. You just might need a little help figuring out what this kind of bastard is all about. A bastard is not the same as a dick head, an asshole, or any other run of the mill douche bag. A bastard is a breed all of its own. Wanna know more about bastards? Read on!

The Bastard, Summarized

If you do a Google search on the word "bastard," you'll come up with a variety of definitions. A bastard could be a person who was born out of wedlock or it could be a term of endearment. According to Princeton University, a bastard could also be "an insulting form of address for people who are stupid or irritating or

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ridiculous." Sure, those definitions are accurate, but those aren't the things we're aiming for. If you want to be a bastard by my definition, you have to have a great love for yourself. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be an arrogant ass; you just have to know how to look like one. Nice guys have the tendency to put their own feelings on the backburner. They sacrifice their wants and needs for the wants and needs of others. As a result, nice guys commonly feel like shit. Bastards are concerned with the feelings of others, but they are more concerned with their own feelings. They want things to be pleasant, but they won't sacrifice their own pride and sanity to live the pleasant life. To better explain this phenomenon, let's put you in both sets of shoes and imagine that a woman stands you up. When nice guys get fucked over, they tend to keep their mouths shut. They ignore the fact that they feel like pansies and they'll give the bitch another chance. This cycle could go on forever because nice guys don't get mad or even: they just get more depressed. If a bastard gets stood up, he's not going to cause a big scene about it either. But the difference is that he will make the woman aware that she doesn't have any power over him. Instead of calling her 34 times to make sure that she didn't lose his address, phone number, or email address, the bastard will simply forget about it. When she calls him to make amends, he just might not answer the phone. Or maybe he will answer the phone and he'll tell her that he's just too busy to meet her at another time. His lack of availability will drive her nuts and she'll begin to chase him. Both scenarios involve the same aspects - being stood up and a game of chase but there is one major difference. Nice guys do the chasing while the bastards are busy getting chased. If you want to get chased, you're going to have to put your needs first, stop taking other people's shit, and realize that you are just as important as anybody else. That right there is the basic meaning of a bastard. While he might look a dick head to the rest of the world, he's really just treating himself the way he ought to be treated.

The Dick Head, Summarized

Now the dick head is a totally different story. Dick heads think with their dicks and their dicks only care about the most conveniently accessible pussy. They are arrogant, rude, and just about as obnoxious as a person could possibly be. Dick heads do not care about other people's feelings and they do not see any reason why they should. Their only purpose in life is to receive instant gratification in

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every field of life - instant pussy, instant money, and instant pleasure. Everything else is meaningless and not worth their time.

Bastards versus Dick Heads

BASTARDS
Bastards put their feelings first and the feelings of others seconds. Bastards feel bad when they realize that they hurt someone they care about. Bastards get revenge on an ex by acting like they didn't care in the first place.

DICK HEADS
Dick heads don't have any feelings in general.

Dick heads feel sad when they run out of lube.

Dick heads get revenge on an ex by posting her naked pictures all over the Internet-and they don't forget to add her name and phone number.

Bastards look cool by acting like they don't have a care in the world. Bastards get their way by acting like there's no other way that could possibly exist. Bastards act nice once their kindness is earned. Bastards look for one night stands at bars and clubs. Bastards may be cheap, but they still pay for the first date. When bastards get hurt, they

Dick heads look cool by making others feel like shit.

Dick heads get their way by kicking, punching, and screaming. Dick heads act nice when they're sleeping. Dick heads look for one night stands at the local nunnery. Dick heads don't go on dates; they go to orgies. When dick heads get hurt, they

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bleed red blood. Bastards don't act like bastards to everyone; they only act like bastards to those who haven't deserved to be treated differently yet. Bastards only act like bastards to cover their own asses.

ooze green slime. Dick heads would sell their own mother's panties on eBay if they could make a profit.

Dick heads act the way they do because they are too ignorant to know that there is any alternative.

Be the Best Bastard You Can Be

Now that you know what a bastard is (and isn't), it's time for you to learn how to be the best bastard you can be. This section will explain the various ways that you can put your bastard face forward and make everybody think that your innerbastard is the most natural thing in the world.

Survival of the Fittest

When Charles Darwin introduced his theory of natural selection, he made a great point: It's all about the survival of the fittest. For the purpose of this e-book, we don't really care what that means for biology. Fuck biology. You need to get laid. When we talk about survival of the fittest, we're talking about what that means to you as a man. If you continue to walk around and let people walk all over you, your sex life will literally become extinct. Contrary to what you might believe, there are many dicks out there besides your own. If you can't do something to make yours stand out, you're totally fucked - just not in the fun way. If you want to make yourself stand out from the crowd, you will have to put up a fight. You'll have to make yourself known, throw yourself out there, and get into the mix. You can't just sit around playing D&D and hope that an amazingly hot chick will float into your room. Sure, that could happen. And in the words of the great Wayne Campbell, "Yeah, and monkeys could fly out of my butt." Needless to say, it's just not gonna happen. If you want to see things work out for you, you're going to have to evolve past the nice guy phase of your life and become the ultimate bastard.

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There endeth the pseudoscience lesson.

A Bit of Healthy Indifference

If you're reading this book, you've probably suffered more than your fair share of rejection. In case you were too busy getting dumped to notice, women are mean, vile things. We are naturally jealous, conniving, and greedy as sin. When we see something we want, we want it now. And if that thing doesn't seem to care either way, we'll just want it more. That is the way of the woman. If you want to be irresistible to women, you're going to have to act like you simply don't give a shit. Act cool, act suave, and most of all, act like you don't care if you ever see her again. Even if you're already thinking of calling her the second you turn away from her, control yourself and be patient. Why? Because I'm going to let you in on a little secret. You see, when women go out, it takes us a good hour or six to get ourselves ready. We have to give ourselves smoky eyes, pouty lips, and perfectly groomed eyebrows. Then we have to de-frizz our hair, straighten it, add some curls, and volumize the hell out of it. Finally, we have to find outfits that make our asses look small, our boobs look big, and our legs look long. Oh, and then we have to find shoes and purses that match us and make us look even better. The effort involved in this process might sound ridiculous, but I can assure you that it's not. When you guys see us walk around in our cute little outfits with our perfect hair, makeup, and accessories, your minds immediately wander to what we must look like under all of our equipment. You stutter, you blush, and your IQ levels drop a good 100 points. And that's when we know we have you. If you want to get us, you have to see right through our arsenal of beauty supplies and realize that we only use these things to cover our selfconsciousness. On the inside, we're just as nervous as you. That's why we don't go to the clubs looking like we do when we wake up in the morning. We need to look our best so we can instantly gain your visual approval and make us feel like we're worth something. So, imagine what it would be like for the woman who spent four hours getting ready to realize that you don't give a shit about her Coach purse or her Manolo Blahnik shoes. Imagine if she thought that you looked at her for what she is rather than the costume she puts on. Imagine if she thought that you could look at her and still be the same guy you were before she stepped into your life. And

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now imagine just how wild that would drive her. Take it from me, boys. A bit of healthy indifference works like a charm.

Grab Your Balls and Be a Man

Al Bundy might not be the most charming of men, but he is a man, through and through. He surrounds himself with beautiful women, he hogs the remote control, and his favorite position is with his hand down his pants in front of the TV. He has his own private bathroom, a wife who can't bully him, and enough testosterone to fill his old high school football stadium. All in all, I would say that Al understands his role in the world. Unfortunately, Al Bundy is a TV character so I could not get him to help you learn a lesson in manliness. Thankfully, I have enough experience with what women actually want to see in a man, so we won't need to bring in any outside players. You see, boys, straight women like manly men. We like men who can fix things around the house, pick up heavy things, and kill spiders without screaming like a little girl. We like men who will fuck us on command, whine when we're not in the mood to fuck, and fuck us again when the mood returns. While it's nice to have a guy who's willing to help out around the house, that guy can't replace the manly man that we all desire. Sure, you can cook dinner in a Speedo while you simultaneously fix the leak in our kitchen ceilings - we won't complain about that. But when you bust out with an apron and oven mitts while you cook us some French meal that's hard to pronounce, we cry a little on the inside. If you're looking to appeal to a straight woman, your best bet is to act like a straight man. That shouldn't be so difficult, should it?

Dominate that Dominatrix

So, you found yourself a randy sex kitten, did you? Congratulations. Now you're totally fucked - in more ways than one. The best place for you to be a man is in the bedroom. Contrary to what most women will tell you, we like to be pampered and pleasured with as little effort on our parts as possible. We like to lay back, relax, and enjoy the ride. We might get excited to take the lead every now and then, but the dominatrix routine gets old, fast.

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Consider sex as a metaphor for the rest of your dating relationships. If you're on top in the bedroom, you're on top everywhere else. If she's always on top in the bedroom, she'll own you in all other ways, too. If you don't mark your territory when you have sex, she's bound to mark her territory first. (Note: Please don't follow your dog's lead and mark your territory by peeing on your woman. I mean, if peeing is your thing and that's what it takes to turn you on, whatever. That's your business. Just be sure to fill her in on your business before things get a little too moist for her liking.) Ahem. I digress. If you're with a woman who always tries to take the driver's seat in the bedroom, you're going to be in for a short ride. You have to play the role of the dominator in the bedroom if you want to keep the action coming. I reiterate: it's fine to let her take control every now and then. But if you've been having sex with her for two months and you've yet to be on top, you're always going to be at the bottom of the relationship.

The Taming of the Shrew

Every now and then you might find yourself with a woman who seems like she should be perfect. She's nice, sweet, and a pleasure to have around - until you get her alone. Then the tables turn and she becomes a demanding little bitch who won't budge on anything. Everything must be done her way, on her terms. She is always right, you are always wrong, and that's all there is to it. While I'm sure that you are wrong at least half of the time, that's no reason to let her control you. If you want things to work out with this girl - or with any other woman - you're going to have to tame the hell out of her. The next time a woman tells you what you're going to do, casually disagree with her. If she says that you're going to go to the opera and you would rather go bowling, tell her that you'll be at the bowling alley and she's welcome to join you if she wants. Don't blatantly tell her that your idea sucks and don't try to defend your idea. Just tell her that you're doing what you want to do and she can do whatever she pleases. She may whimper and whine about this at first, but that's perfectly natural. Women like to whimper and whine because we can usually get our way when we do. That is, we can get our way as long as you'll let us. So, if you want to have things done your way, you're going to have to let her know that's the only way that works for you. As long as you're not a dick head about it, she's bound to follow you wherever you go.

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And that, my friend, is how you tame the shrew.

Guilt is for Pussies

As much as you want to follow these techniques and become the ultimate bastard, you're probably going to feel pretty shitty about it at first. It can be quite awkward to move from never getting your way to always getting it. Similarly, it can be odd when you go from being invisible to women to being irresistible to women. But if you want to succeed in this four-step program, you're going to have to get over the weirdness of the situation and just make it a part of your normal routine. Here's how:

Don't feel bad.

The best way to get over the awkwardness of this stage is to refuse to feel bad about your transformation. Take a moment to think back on all of the people who trampled over the nice guy version of you. Think of how many times you were stood up, blown off, or yelled at for no particular reason. Now think of how you felt each time that happened. You don't feel so bad now, do you? If you want to see yourself gain the respect you deserve, you have to start off by reminding yourself that you do deserve it. You've always been kind to others and you've gotten shit in return. Now it's your turn to be in the driver's seat and have your feelings and needs met for once. This transformation has been a long time coming and it's finally time for you to get treated like the man that you are. Sure, you're going to have to become a slightly different man to make that happen, but that's rather irrelevant. The point is that you're not going to be a total dick head, but you're still going to get back some of the kindness that you've devoted your entire life to giving. Congratulations, buddy. You earned it.

Don't trade in your humanity, either.

We've already gone over the difference between bastards and dick heads, but I'd like to take a moment to reiterate what you learned. You already know why nice guys just can't win and why bastards can't seem to lose. You know that your best bet is to become a bastard and reverse the curse 23

that has foiled the rest of your life. But don't forget where you came from in the process. You know what it's like to be treated like absolute shit and you know how lousy you felt every time you were mocked, degraded, or ridiculed in any way. Those days are over for you, but that doesn't mean they should begin for somebody else. Have fun. Be a bastard. Be good to yourself. Make up for all of the good things you missed out on. But don't forget what it's like to be on the other side of the tracks.

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Section 5 Reel Her In

Before you can hope to reel in a woman, you need to understand a bit about the way the female mind works. Women are naturally very suspicious and we will do everything in our power to prove that men are full of shit. If you plan to act like a bastard when you first meet her and then revert to your natural self, she's going to see right through you. And once she knows what you're really up to, her claws are bound to come out. If you want to reel her in, you'll have to do more than pretend to be a bastard; you'll have to be a bastard. That means that you're going to have to utilize everything you've learned so far and fine-tune your skills to suit your situation. This section will teach you how to do just that. You'll learn how to make her want you like crazy and how to make yourself look like the most appealing bastard out there. Follow these rules and it will be nearly impossible for her to turn you down!

Play Hard to Get (And You're Bound to Get Some!)

Do you remember being in elementary school and watching that little boy who tormented girls but they all had crushes on him? You know, the boy who showed his affection by pulling hair and tripping girls at recess? Well, as much of a prick as that little boy was, he still grew up and got all the girls. Why? Because women are absolutely smitten by the unobtainable. That unobtainable thing could be a little boy with a fear of cooties or a full-grown bastard who doesn't seem interested. Either way, the point remains the same. Women want what we can't have. So, if you're interested in her, you're going to have to become the little boy with a kicking problem. (Just leave the kicking part out of it!) If you want her and you want her to want you, you're going to have to act like you don't want her at all. As stupid as that sounds, it's the complete truth. No matter how old we get, women are suckers for the 'I don't want you' game.

Desperation is NOT a Turn-On.

Even if you're not a good enough actor to make her think that you don't want her at all, you'll have to at least act like you wouldn't sell your left nut for a chance with her. And if you would sell a nut to be with her, then you might want to look

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into a bit of therapy in the future. As pleasant as it can be to have a woman around, it's not worth one of your testicles. If you decide to show your slight interest, play it cool. Don't jump at the chance to ask for a date and don't act like you're in a panic. Keep your voice level at a normal pitch, refrain from stuttering, and try not to shake like you have a sudden case of Parkinson's. Just be cool and let her see that your balls belong to you and there's nothing she can do to make you part with them.

Step Away from the Phone.

When a woman tells you that she'll call you, don't act like a bitch and wait by the phone. If she calls, she calls. If she doesn't, she doesn't. Repeat that after me and let it be your new mantra. You're not going to act like a pansy over a fricking phone call. If you want her to be attracted to you, it's going to have to look like you lead some kind of life. If she dials your number and you answer before the phone finishes the first ring, you're going to look like a loser. If you sound like you ran through a military obstacle course to get to the phone before that first ring finished, you're going to look like a complete faggot. Your best bet is to forget that she even said she would call. Take your time answering the phone. Don't sit by the phone and wait and don't have a panic attack every time it rings. Just get on with your life, do what you have to do, and prepare yourself for that phone call when the time comes. Remember: If she calls, she calls. If she doesn't, she doesn't. It's as easy as that.

Make Her Sweat.

Along with acting like you haven't been dying to see her or hear her voice, you have to act like you're really just too busy to deal with her. Don't call her every day and never call at the exact moment you said you would. Be a little bit late for your dates and avoid answering the phone every now and then. If she thinks that you are avoiding her and she suddenly hears your voice, she will be absolutely elated. You need to make her chase you if you want to have the upper hand in your potential relationship. Make yourself unavailable sometimes and be accessible at others. Answer the phone when she calls sometimes, but don't answer it every time. Show up or call her on time sometimes but completely blow her off for a little while on other occasions.

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This constant battle of not knowing whether or not you'll be available to her will intrigue her and make her work for your attention. She doesn't need to know that she got your attention from the start: that would ruin the purpose of her little game. And when it comes to dating games, the hunt is more exciting than the prize. Remember that. And you can see your Bastard Badge as tactical ammunition in your own hunt. Which is what you're doing, too.

Be a Show Off
When men deal with other men, they love to show off. They might have a contest to see whose piss can shoot further, or they might try to compare sexual escapade stories. In any case, men love to show off to other men. When men deal with other women, they tend to be a lot more modest - or at least that's how it works with nice guys. If you want to make a convincing bastard, you're going to have to show off as much as you can. Make her see what's so appealing about you and why she should want you in her life. Just remember that a show off is not the same as a douche bag and you'll do just fine.

Show Off Your Goods

Whether you're an Adonis or an average Joe, every man has positive physical features. Maybe you have a great ass or maybe you have huge hands. Whatever your most appealing features may be, you're going to have to show them off if you want her to look at you in a sexual light. While you're sitting with her, try to nonchalantly show off your positive physical features. If you have a killer smile, flash her with your pearly whites whenever it seems appropriate. If you know you have great hair, run your fingers through your tresses every now and then. If you're having a conversation that's slightly sexual in nature, extend your fingers and stretch them out every once in a while. If you have a six-pack that other men would kill for, make a comment about food and place your hand on your stomach. All of these things will look very natural while you're sitting with her, but they'll still highlight your physical appeal. Just be sure not to overdo it or you will look like you have some weird fixation with your own body parts. In other words, if the two of you are having a conversation about religion and you start running your hands

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over your pecks, you're going to look like some kind of freak. And more often than not, women will try to avoid getting freaky with the freaks.

Show Off Your Charms

If you want to make yourself look appealing, you're going to have to show off your mental qualities a little bit, too. Don't be afraid to crack a joke or to display your natural sense of wit. Show her what makes you a guy that she would want to be with and why she would be crazy if she didn't want you. Just be sure not to show off too many things that will send her nice guy radar off the charts. If you give any information that makes you seem like a nice guy, balance that off with something that makes you look like a bastard. For instance, if you leave the waitress a big tip, make sure you flirt with the waitress just a little. That bastard touch will drive your potential lady crazy and make her feel like she has to work for your attention. And as we've already covered by now, the more work she puts in, the less willing she'll be to see things come to an end.

Show Off Your Lifestyle

Women are naturally attracted to money. It may not be right and it may not be fair, but that's just the way it is. If you want to catch her eye, you're going to have to be a little flashy. That doesn't mean that you have to have a lot of money or that you have to throw the money you do have around. You just need to have a few key items that show that you live a comfortable lifestyle. The best way for you to do this is to splurge on yourself and make it work to your advantage. Buy yourself a nice car and make sure you take good care of it. Even if you drive a shit box, you can make it look great with a paint job and a lot of wax. If cars aren't really your thing, you could try buying yourself a nice piece of jewelry. Make sure that piece of jewelry is visible and play with it whenever you get a chance. That will draw her eye to it and make her think of any jewelry you could potentially buy her in the future. At this point, it may seem like I'm telling you to find a girl who wants to use you. If that's the impression you got, you're on the right page. What you don't realize is that you're on the right page for the completely wrong reasons.

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The problem with women is that they tend to fall for men hard and fast. Even if she begins with the intention of using you, her motivation for being with you will change over time. The more she sees of you, the more she will become attracted to your bastardly ways. Before she even realizes what happened, her motivation will change from the prizes you could buy her to the prize that is you. Before that time can come, your main goal is to peak her interest and get her to that point. Who gives a damn if you have to get her attention through a dishonest reason? Honesty is for nice guys, and that is clearly not you anymore. It's good to be a bastard, isn't it?

Ooze Sex Appeal

You can be as much of a bastard as you want to be but it won't make a lick of difference if she doesn't want to fuck you. Unlike emotions, sexual desire isn't something that can usually develop over time. If you ever want a chance to get in her pants, you're going to have to make yourself look like a sexual creature right off the get go. You might be in a bit of a panic right now but I can assure you that there's no need to worry. Believe it or not, it's really easy to ooze sex appeal if you know how to get that appeal flowing. So, read on and ooze away, boys. You're going to go from sexless to sexy in 3, 2, 1... Go!

Check Out Her Goods

Strangely enough, the best thing you can do to make yourself look sexy is to make it look like you think she's sexy. For most women, there's nothing more attractive in a man than his ability to make us feel attractive. If you plainly ogle her physical assets without making yourself look like a total pervert, she's going to blush, giggle, and feel like a sex goddess. And you'll immediately transform into a sex god before her eyes. When you talk to her, make sure you check out her body. Let your eyes roam over her face, chest, legs, and right down to her toes. She doesn't have to have a killer body for this to work. All you have to do is follow up on your hungry eyes routine with a small smile. She's bound to notice and she won't forget the way you looked at her.

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Just make sure that you don't make yourself look like a complete asshole. Let your gaze linger, but don't be obnoxious about it. In other words, it's okay for her to see you take a glance at her tits, but it's not okay for you to speak directly to them. You have to make her see that you're physically attracted to her but you're not going to rape her in the bushes. Play it cool, let your gaze linger for a moment, and then look back up towards her face. She'll notice that you were checking her out and she'll count the moments before you do it again.

Make Eye Contact

When you're not staring at the rest of her body, the best place for you to look is in her eyes. Keep your eyes focused on hers unless it starts to feel uncomfortable. If you can make her be the first one to look away, the ball is in your court. Remember that eye contact is not the same thing as a staring contest. Your main objective is not to avoid blinking for as long as possible or to make her laugh. Your goal is to intimidate her and excite her. Plus, eye contact will give the impression that you're really listening to her-and women simply love men that will listen to them ramble. Of course, you're a bastard now, so remember not to give her too much rambling time!

Lower Your Voice

When it comes to our voices, the worst thing we can do is get nervous. Nerves have the tendency to make our voices pitch higher and make us sound like cartoon characters on drugs. And if a woman wanted to date someone with a squeaky voice, she would go find that elementary school hair-puller. When you talk to her, try to make your voice as low and deep as possible. Speak loudly enough for her to hear you, but speak from your gut rather than from your mouth. Project your voice into the voice of a man; make yourself sound guttural. It might not seem like voice pitch counts for much, but it truly does. Trust me on this one!

Be Confidant
One of the best things you can do for yourself - and for her approval - is to be confident. If it doesn't look like you think you're terrific, there's no way she's going

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to think you're terrific either. And just to be clear, your goal is for her to think you're terrific, hot, sexy, and all around wonderful. If you want to display your confidence, you're going to have to act a little cocky. Act like everything you say is factual. Don't raise your voice at the end of a sentence so it sounds like a question. Say it as if that's just the way it is. Even if you're saying something that really should be more of a question than a statement, try to have some authority with your words. For instance, if you want to invite her over to your place, don't ask, "So, I was, umm, wondering if you might maybe want to come over for a little while?" Instead, put your foot down and say, "I want you to come over" or 'Let's go to my place." There's a chance that she'll deny you of your request, but she's much more likely to agree if you appear confident in your statement, than if you stutter around a nervous question. Another way for you to appear confidant is to look directly at her and keep your head high. Never look at the ground or look off to the side - unless you are trying to make her jealous by casually observing another woman on the sidelines. Minus that exception, keep your gaze on her and don't look away. If you look into her eyes and quickly avert your gaze to the ground, you're essentially telling her that she is your master and commander. And if you can't be the Master, you're bound to get stuck in the role of Master Bater.

Get Up and Leave

When things reach their peak and it looks like you can't lose, your best bet is to get the hell out of there. And fast. I realize that might sound a little ridiculous, but it will do wonders for you in the long run. If things are going well, there will come a point in your meeting where everything is perfect. It seems like she wants to see you again and you know you want to see more of her. The only logical thing to do at this point is to try to plan your next date and secure your future opportunities with her. Unfortunately, logic doesn't mean shit when it comes to dating. If things are going perfectly, she's going to expect you to make a move and prove your interest. If you do make a move, but that move leads you straight out the door, she's going to be shocked. She'll instantly worry if something is wrong and she'll do what she can to ensure that everything turns out all right. She'll email you, she'll call... Hell, she'll even go home with you right then if you'll have her.

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If you're looking for a one-night stand, bring her back home with you. If you're looking for something longer, tell her you simply have to go. Take down her number, give her yours, and make your exit. When you get home, tuck away her number for a week. Chances are that she'll call you within 24 hours. If she's the kind of girl who thinks she did something wrong, she might not call. If that's the case, she's probably sitting by her phone and praying to hear from you. Let her sweat it out for at least five days before you give her a call. She'll be so happy to hear from you that she'll do just about anything that you want. And that, my friend, is how you become Master Bastard.

Where the Chicks Roam

Stage 1 - The Cheaper the Better
Coffeehouses: Women love coffeehouses because they're safe, trendy, and easy places to meet people. This works out for you because it just doesn't get any cheaper than a coffee date. Bars: If a woman wanted to drink without meeting anyone, she would drink at home. If she goes to a bar, she's looking to meet. And the best part is, you can always get shitfaced if things don't work out. Parks: Women love to spend their free time roaming around the park. Invest in a dog and the ladies will be all over you. Beaches: Women. Bikinis. You. Suntan lotion. Need I say more or do you get my point?

Stage 2 - Further Up the Ladder

Movie Theaters: Women flock to the movies in huge groups and they're usually open to meeting people there. This works out well for you because she'll already have her ticket in advance and you don't even have to be the asshole that shuts the lights. Restaurant Bars: If a woman wants to drink and find men but she doesn't want to go to a standard bar, you'll probably find her at a restaurant bar. Keep an eye on any lonely ladies eating dinner or drinking, and you should be able to at least sneak in a drink with her. Themed Clubs: Women love getting dressed up to fit in with a particular theme. If you know a club with an 80's night, jazz night, or ladies night, get there quickly. Run, don't walk. The ladies will be waiting.

Stage 3 - The Top of the Ladder

Theatre: Women love the theatre. It's as simple as that. They dress to the

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nines, pay a ton of money to see a show, and look for any men who might be into the same thing. Look for lame ass chick shows like The Vagina Monologues and you're sure to have center stage. Dinner Theatre: If there's anything that women love more than theatre, it's food. As you may have guessed, not too many men are into dinner theatre. Show up for a show and you'll be outnumbered 50 to 1 by randy women. Ethnic Restaurants: Women love ethnic food and they usually can't find guys who agree with that sentiment. Show up at an ethnic restaurant and you'll catch her eye before you even notice that she exists.

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Section 6 God Bless The Internet

I remember the days when the only way that you could meet someone from home was to place an ad in a newspaper or magazine. Then you got to wait for the damn thing to go to print, wait even longer while you waited for any possible replies, and then wait to make arrangements to meet. Those were the days when you could sit in the privacy of your home and still have a chance to get laid three months after you put in your original request. Stupid newspapers. Thankfully, the times they are a-changin' and the technology is changing even faster. With each advancement in technology comes a new potential advancement for your sex and dating life. The Internet made it possible for us to connect with other singles and get to know each other within minutes. Scanners made it possible for us to see whomever it is that we're talking to. Microphones made it possible for us to be lazy-ass bitches and have online phone sex while we watch on webcams. All in all, the Internet is a pretty damn convenient dating tool. This section will teach you just about everything you should know about Internet dating and Internet mating. You'll learn the ins and outs and ins of cyber sex, clever ways to arrange meetings, and how to navigate your way through the plethora of online dating services. Happy searching!

Internet Pros and Cons

Before you get all psyched up about the wonders of the Internet, it's important for you to understand some of the pros and cons of Internet life. Just keep these things in mind while you surf the net and try to pick up those bitchin' babes. (In the meantime, I'll try to keep the 80s lingo out of my 21st Century discussion.)

Pros

The Internet is fast, easy, and convenient as hell. Online dating is a great way for you to get to know a person before you have to sit with them. The Internet is a great place for you to practice your new bastard skills without the added nerves of talking to a 3D woman.

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If you're looking for quick relief, you can easily find an online cyber buddy so you don't feel so alone. Online dating services are full of available women who are looking for the same things as you. (In other words, you don't have to worry about getting the shit kicked out of you for approaching a woman who happens to be dating a wall of muscle on legs.) If it turns out that you're dealing with a complete douche bag, you can simply click the little 'x' to get rid of her and move on to someone worth your time. You can read her online profile to see if the two of you are looking for the same things before you make a move. You can 'woo' her with a greeting card, e-kiss, or just about any other form of flattery without getting off your ass or paying a penny. You can sit around in your underwear while you go searching for women and worry about the grooming when you know you're going to score. You can pick up women 24/7 without worrying about pesky things like closing time and last call.

Cons

Online relationships that don't develop into in-person relationships can leave you with a serious lack of female flesh in your life. You might meet a lot of girls who seem wonderful but live impossibly far away for you to carry a relationship with them. You never know who you're really talking to. She might be that cute little blonde in the picture or she could be a group of corny adolescent boys who spend their Saturday nights fucking with people like you. You could be dealing with some kind of psychopath who will stalk you once you give her your personal information. The convenience of cyber sex can eventually become addictive and keep you from meeting all of the women you could potentially have real sex with. Once you start your profile searches, you might find that you have nine billion women who might be perfect for you, so you save them all in a little folder and never get around to contacting any of them. You might totally connect with someone online and then see that there's absolutely no chemistry between the two of you once you meet. People lie on the Internet, just like you probably plan to do. Don't be surprised if you go to meet a college professor who spends her summers in the Peace Corps and wind up meeting a retired waitress who spends her summers reading to her cats.

Cyber Sex
When John Hughes released Weird Science twenty years ago, men around the world went wild. It turned out that men love the idea of a computer generated sex

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machine that is virtually perfect in all ways. Back then, a lot of people were convinced that we would have electronic sex bots of our own by now. Well, those people were wrong and probably feel a little foolish about their inaccurate predictions, but they were at least on the right track. (Note: I know I promised that I would avoid any talk that involved the 1980s, but it turns out that I lied about that. I know a promise is a promise, but sometimes it's okay to break that promise if it will benefit others. A little white lie never hurt anyone and - Wait. I don't need to explain myself to you. If you have a problem with it, I recommend that you refer back to the section of this e-book that tells you to stop being such a pussy.) Now as I was saying... You might not be able to have a woman magically burst from your computer, but you can still sit around your computer and have a great sexual experience. And hey, if you're really that bummed out that the Weird Science fantasy didn't pan out, you could always wear that bra on your head while you cyber. Whatever floats your boat is fine by me. What is not fine by me is the amount of men in the world who don't know what they're doing when they have cyber sex. No, there aren't any written rules or regulations in the cyber world, but there damn well should be. Why? Because just like men, women cyber for a reason. They want to be turned on by someone else while they do their busy work. They don't want to look at a screen that's filled with a bunch of ooh's and aah's while they sit around and type out a novel. If you want her to stick around for your finale, you're going to have to dazzle her with your cunning linguistics. And if you happen to lack cunning linguist skills, you better skip ahead to the next section and brush up on your cunnilingus skills. Sorry, buddy, but you've got to have at least one of those two down pat if you want to succeed with women.

Tricks of the Trade

# 1 - Be graphic and downright dirty. There are certain times in life when it is okay to be shy and reserved. Cybersex is not one of those times. If you want to turn a woman on, you're going to have to be dirty, graphic, and straight to the point. You can heed my advice and try to beat around the bush, but if you do, she's going to take her bush and get the hell out of there. # 2 - Pick a name and stick to it.

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When you meet a cyber gal, chances are that you're going to get straight to the point. You're probably going to lie your ass off, as will she. In the midst of all that lying, do yourself a favor and try to catch her name. That name will probably be fake, but that doesn't really matter. You just need something to call her so that you don't have to spend your night writing to MyTitsInYoFace69. # 3 - Don't just think with your dick. I know, I know. You're only having cybersex so you can get off; you're not trying to find a soul mate. However, you really need to keep her involved if you want her to stick around. Make sure that you spend at least half the amount of time describing what you're 'doing' to her as she spends describing what she's 'doing' to you. The rule of half never fails. # 4 - Be articulate. I realize that you're a bit preoccupied when you cyber, but you're going to have to be at least a little articulate when you type. There's nothing wrong with a random 'f' or 'g' thrown into the middle of a word; that will just show her that you're into what you're doing. However, that doesn't give you an excuse to just type random strings of words that look like 'jdfkahdgknf ;dajer.' If you're way too busy to type anything legible, try sticking with the letter 'm.' You can hold that key down for just about as long as you'd like without annoying her - and your nine other fingers will still be completely accessible. It's a no lose situation, really. # 5 - When all else fails, cheat. I don't have a dick, but I understand how difficult it must be to type anything clever when your cock is hard and one hand is occupied. For times like this, it might be a good idea to keep a cheat sheet handy. Make a document with nifty words and phrases that might help you out when times get hard and your dick gets harder.

At a loss for words? Don't worry. That's what this chart is for.

Your Own Cybersex Cheat Sheet

Male Anatomy
Dick Penis Sac Cock Balls Head Shaft Nuts Ass

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Female Anatomy
Breasts Pussy Boobs Tits

Cunt (Use wisely! Try Lips pairing this word with a pleasant adjective.) Opening Ass

Clit

Good Adjectives
hot delicious horny throbbing dirty sexy tasty nasty pulsing wet steamy beautiful hard amazing sooo good deep

slutty (Use this one at slippery your own discretion-you don't want to offend her!)

Ways to Stall for Time

What are you wearing? Tell me what that feels like. What are you doing now? Tell me how good it feels. Where are your hands? Tell me exactly what you want me to do to you.

Describe What You're Doing to Her

My hand is brushing against your thigh and my mouth is around your nipple. My tongue is running I'm holding you by your I'm rubbing your pussy hair so you can watch with the head of my what I do to you. hard cock. I'm pulling down your My fingers are

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over your clit and you taste so good.

panties and damn, your slamming into your pussy is beautiful. pussy while I lick your clit. I'm fucking you from behind while my balls slam into your clit.

I'm licking your juices I'm pounding my cock off my finger and you into your pussy and I taste fucking delicious. can feel you shaking.

Describe What You're Doing to Yourself

I'm taking off my boxers I'm stroking my cock and throwing them on and wishing you were the floor. really here. I'm running my hand over my cock and stroking it. I'm pumping my cock faster and faster. My hand is down my pants and I'm rubbing my balls. I'm rubbing my cock and wishing my hand was your mouth.

Make Her Feel Good

You're amazing. You make me so hot. You are so sexy. I want you so bad.

You're so fucking good. You taste delicious.

Describe Your Reactions

That feels so good. I'm getting so hard. Keep going, just like that. Mmmmmmmmm

Oh baby, you make me Oh yeah, right there! so hot.

Speed Things Up
I'm almost there. I'm gonna cum. Keep going, I'm so close.

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Oh God, I'm cumming.

I can't hold on much longer.

Cum with me, baby.

Things to Avoid
When it comes to cybersex, almost anything goes. Note that I said almost. Try to avoid any super cheesy lines that will probably make her laugh and sign off on you. That means that you should steer clear of any terrible cliques like "lance of love," "totem pole," and "member" when you talk about yourself. When you talk about her body, leave out phrases like "hole in one," "backdoor," and "canal of love." Also avoid any extremely derogatory words that are bound to turn her off unless she's into some pretty heavy cyber shit. In other words, seeing you type, "Take it all, you fucking slut", won't turn on ordinary girls. I know it's hard to believe, but it really is true. The most important thing you can avoid is technical terms that will leave her scratching her head and wondering what the hell is wrong with you. If you're close enough to have an orgasm with her, you're close enough to avoid large or technical words. Simply put, you're going to look like some kind of freak if you spout out "I'm penetrating your vaginal canal with my phallus and it feels absolutely spectacular."

Chat Rooms
If you're hoping to meet a girl in person, your best bet is probably to try to pick her up in a place where 100 other yapping people do not surround her. Why? Because as a general rule of thumb, it's easier to hook up with a girl when she's alone than it is to pick her up when she's in the middle of an online orgy. And if you want to define the essence of a chat room, an online orgy is a pretty fricking accurate definition. Of course, there are plenty of reasons why you shouldn't eliminate chat rooms from your list of potential places to hook up with random women. If you're looking to spend a lovely evening with nothing but your hand and your penis, chat rooms are a great place for you to get your jollies on. Chat rooms provide you with a great way to instantly receive an abundance of IM's and a variety of dirty cyber invitations. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to engage in decent cyber sex, but you'll need to the above mentioned tricks of the trade if you want your rocket to blast

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off before you bore her to death or scare her away. Oh, and going back to the clichs I mentioned earlier? Never refer to your dick as a rocket. Ever.

Internet Dating Services

If you're looking to meet in person, Internet dating services are exactly what you need. These types of groups are perfect whether you are trying to find yourself a wife or a cum dumpster. They put all of the tools you will need at your fingertips and you just have to fill in the blanks. You can search for women based on physical assets, personalities, or various keywords that might appeal to you. You can also search for rich women. I mean, hey, why not go for the gold? Dating sites, such as MillionaireMatch specialize in just such a service. If bars and clubs could be this helpful, we wouldn't need the Internet. Unfortunately, bars and clubs are nearly useless if you want to have any idea what you're getting yourself into before you walk up to a woman and risk making an ass of yourself. Thankfully, Internet dating services make it ridiculously easy for you to find exactly what you want with the click of a button. It just doesn't get any easier than that, does it?

Profiles A.K.A. Pussy Magnets

So, you're officially convinced that Internet dating services are exactly what you need in your life. Great. I'm thrilled for you. Now you just have one small problem: she has to want you, too. That may sound like a difficult feat, but it's really rather simple. All you have to do is create a profile that will really advertise your positives and cloak your negatives. Remember, you're on the Internet so you don't have to be completely honest. You just have to be honest enough for her to NOT want to kick you in the face when she meets you and sees that you're not six and a half feet tall, you don't drive a Ferrari, and your pants don't even look like they're stuffed with a Pez dispenser, let alone the European cucumber you described earlier. Just follow these tips when you create your profile and you should be all set.

Tip # 1 - Reel her in with a smile.

And by that, I don't mean to send her a cute emoticon. Sure, emoticons are good for some things but they won't get you laid. 41

If you want to entice her, you're going to have to include a picture of yourself. With all of the profiles out there, she can't be bothered to read the ones that don't grab her attention right off the bat. If you want to make her notice you, you're going to have to include a picture and make it a good one. When you choose your picture, make sure you pick a recent one. You're not going to get very far if you use the picture that shows you wearing a huge grin because you just grew your first pubic hair. You should also try to use a high quality picture that shows you in good lighting. If she can't see you because the picture is too dark or grainy, she's going to scan right past you and move on to the next guy.

Tip # 2 - Be Bad.
When you create your profile, try to be a bit naughty. You don't have to sound like a complete douche bag but you don't want to sound like the kind of guy who's in his late 40s and still lives at home with Mom. (And if you do still live at home with Mom, that's one of those things that you can omit from your profile. Hey, what she doesn't know can't hurt her.)

Tip # 3 - Use your head.

You don't need to sound like Einstein reincarnated, but you should sound like you have some kind of activity going on up in your noggin. Use a good amount of adjectives and adverbs, but don't overdo it. Fill up every space on the profile and don't leave any questions unanswered. You might not think it's important to tell the world whether or not you smoke, but that question could be very important to her. And that, my friend, could make the difference between getting fucked and getting fucked over.

Tip # 4 - Don't get into a routine.

If you set up your profile at multiple dating sites, try to vary them up a bit. You don't want to sound like the kind of guy who spends all of his free time roaming around dating sites and looking for chicks - even if that is exactly what you do. If your profile sounds like it was copied from some kind of form letter, she's going to slap a huge metaphorical rejection sticker on your application.

Tip # 5 - Virginity is not a turn on.

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Even if it is your first time using an online dating service, never mention that on your profile. There are far too many men who say "I normally don't do this sort of thing" or "I've never done this before but I figured I would give it a try." When it comes to your level of experience with online dating services, it's best to leave that out of your profile. If she asks you when you're one on one, it's fine to answer. Just don't offer that information without a good reason for it, or you're bound to look like online dating routine guy.

E-mail Buddies
Once you get to the point where you're ready to talk to each other outside of the dating service or chat room, the most logical way for you to chat is through emails. If you get to this stage, it's critical that you don't fuck things up. You have to get across your bastard appeal in writing and make her want to know more about you. Then, of course, you can swoop in for the kill and try to meet her in person. But before you get to that point, you have to get through the email stage. So, listen closely and get ready to put your new bastardizing skills to the test.

Talk about Yourself

As you already know, bastards have to be more than a little self-confident. If you want her to see your bastardly ways, you're going to have to think of every good thing you know about yourself and bring it up. Do this as casually as possible, or you're going to look like some kind of weirdo. For instance, if she writes to tell you about her favorite local bars and you respond with a story about how you recently got a huge raise, she's going to raise her eyebrows and think you're crazy. Similarly, don't respond to her question of where you're from with an answer about your dick size. Sure, that information might be useful later, but it's just going to make you look like you're off your rocker if you bring it up at an inopportune time.

Bring Her Up
Even though your main focus should be on you, it will be necessary for you to talk about her at some point. Ask her a couple of questions that could help you out if you ever meet in person. If you plan to lather her up in chocolate sauce and have yourself a buffet, ask her questions about her favorite ice cream. That kind of question will seem innocent 43

and it will make it look like you're just curious enough to want to learn all about her. She doesn't need to know your ulterior motives! Similarly, try asking her questions about her favorite music, movies, and other various forms of pop culture. You might not give a damn about any of these things now, but they will help you out later if you want to invite her over to check out your collection of whatever.

Be Bold - She Can't Hang Up on You!

If you want to speed things up and move into the meeting phase of your plan, you're going to have to step things up. Just be blunt and tell her you want to meet her. Don't ask her if she wants to meet you. Say you want to meet her and make her feel like there is no other alternative. If you say it like a demand instead of asking her consent, she will more than likely agree to meet you. And the best part is, she probably won't want to wait very long, either

Meeting Time
So, you made her an offer she couldn't refuse and now she wants to meet you. Fabulous. You're done with the hardest part now. Since you met this girl online, you have the extreme upper hand. Unlike the chicks that you meet out in the real world, you have a heads up on what this girl likes and dislikes. Now is the time for you to utilize all of the useless bullshit you learned about her from the chat room, online dating service, or stupid email conversations. Think about what you know and use it to your advantage. I'm not telling you to figure out what would make her the happiest because that would defeat the whole purpose of your bastard training. I'm telling you to use your previous spy work to speed things up, move things along, and get you to where you ultimately want to be. Whether that place is in her heart or in her pants doesn't matter to me. I just want to see you get to the place you most desire. If you're looking for a woman you could actually be with in the future, use what you know to make her want to see more of you. If she tells you that her favorite band is Aerosmith, dazzle her with your knowledge of how Joe Perry was invited to join the band because he could cook a mean batch of french fries. If she tells you that she loves lasagna, tell her that you know a restaurant that makes what is possibly the world's best lasagna and maybe you'll show it to her some time. Once you throw out your hook, don't offer any more details. Make her wonder where the story is going and then make your exit. She'll be so shocked that you didn't offer her more details that she'll want to see you again as soon as possible.

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If you're looking for a woman who you want to fuck, you'll have to play your cards a little differently. If you plan to end the date by making an abrupt exit, be blunt and tell her that she's welcome to join you. Don't ask if she might, maybe, possibly want to go back to your place. Tell her that you have to get home and you'd like her to come along. Chances are that she'll be so shocked by your bluntness that she will join you. And if not, she wasn't going to be the one-night stand you were looking for, anyway.

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Section 7 She Bought the Bait!

So, you met her, you reeled her in, and she bought the bait. Congratulations. You've gotten through the hardest part! Now you need to know what to do with her now that she's ready for more. This section will teach you what to do with her based on how long you plan to keep her around. You'll learn how to get through the beginning dating period, how to move things along, and how to know whether you want to even bother keeping her around or if you would rather just be done with her before things get complicated. Get your horseshoes and four leaf clovers ready, boys. When it comes to the real world of dating, you're going to need all the luck you can get!

In the Beginning...
In the beginning, things are wonderful. You're interested in her, she's interested in you, but you don't know shit about each other. This is when things are fun, passionate, and exciting as hell. There's just one problem. This is also the stage that determines whether or not you'll get to move into the stages that follow. If you play your cards right in the beginning, you should be able to hold on to her for as long as you possibly want. For nice guys, the beginning stage is usually where things end. For bastards, the beginning stage is just a taste of what is to come in the future. If you want to keep her begging for more, you're going to have to throw yourself all in and hold back at the same time. Your main goal at this point is to keep her interested and reel her in for more. You can do this by giving her subtle promises of what will be in her future if she sticks around from now. Show off all of the things that I told you to show off before, make it seem like sex with you is just about the best thing any woman could hope for, and make it seem like she would be plain stupid if she didn't stick around. And most importantly, don't forget to be a bastard. When you take her out in the beginning, don't dish out a lot of cash. Keep things cheap and simple. Don't spoil her from now because she'll expect to get whatever she wants from you. Make it clear that if she wants to get a piece of the Bastard Pie, she'll have to wait it out and make herself worthy.

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In the beginning, you should do whatever you can to tease her into wanting more. That's the only sure fire way to get whatever it is that you want out of her in the future.

Dating Hot Spots

For the Cheap Date
Bars Beach Picnic Diner Ice Cream Parlor Bowling Arcade Happy Hour Park Barbeque Matinee Movie Zoo Roller Blading Beach Volleyball Coffeehouse Free Concert Fast Food Your Place Ice Skating Volunteer Together Play Board Games

Slightly More Expensive Dates

Average Restaurant Karaoke Bar Bar & Grill Carnival Drive-in Movies Aquarium Laser Tag Themed Bar Cheap Sporting Event Amusement Park Bingo Comedy Club Concert Sleigh Ride Themed Club Movies Museum Road Trip Community Theatre Miniature Golf Hay Ride

Dates for the Worthy Woman

Theatre Day Cruise Psychic Bungee Jumping Upscale Restaurant Casino Dinner Theatre Hot Air Balloon Ride Expensive Concert Film Festival Horseback Riding Sailing

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Dinner Cruise Limo Ride

Art Gallery Snorkeling

Wine Tasting Jazz Club

Moving Right Along...

Congratulations. You made it through the first stage and you managed to keep your balls intact. Now you're really done with the hardest part and it's safe to say that your bastard training has paid off so far. If you want to keep the relationship going, here are some tips for you to follow.

Tip # 1 - Kick It up a Notch

Since she's stuck around this long, chances are that you have her right where you want her. If you're unsure of what her actual intentions are, now would be a good time to put her to the test. Do all of the bastardly things you were doing before but be a bit more extreme. Act like you just can't get enough of her body and steam things up in the bedroom. Act even cockier than you were before and remind her that she likes you just like that. If she'll stick around through your extreme bastard stage, you know she's worth your time. If not, what can you expect? You're being a fucking bastard. Heh. I crack myself up.

Tip # 2 - Keep Your Wallet Where You Can See It

If she's stuck around for the second stage, it's okay for you to make your wallet a little more accessible. You still shouldn't sacrifice your mortgage payment for her, but you should be willing to be less cheap than you were in the beginning. In this stage, start to wean off the dating hot spots in the beginning part of the chart and slowly introduce her to some of the better places. It's okay for you to mix and match spots from sections one and two, but try not to head into the expensive waters of section three yet.

Tip # 3 - Give a Bit of Leeway

If she's made it this far and she's passed all of your tests, it's time for you to open up to her a little more. You should still act like a bastard but avoid ever acting like an asshole. If you've been seeing her for a while now, you should be mostly faithful to whatever schedule you two have worked out. If you tell her you'll call her around 8:00, it's okay for you to call at 8:30 instead. Just make sure you don't wait a week before you call her back like you did in the beginning. 48

At this stage, you should also try to incorporate a touch of your nice guy charms back into your life. Buy her flowers or invite her to join you for a volunteer escapade. She'll be so shocked to see her bastard boyfriend taking an interest in the world that she won't even have time to think of you as a nice guy. She'll just think that she brings out the good in you and she'll fall for you even harder.

Bam! You're There!

So, you've made it to the third stage, have you? Well, that's just fabulous for you! That means that you've tamed the shrew, dominated that dominatrix, and acted like the best bastard you can be. If they gave out medals for dating conquests, you would have won the gold. Now that you've traveled into the realm of serious relationships, it looks like you've done a wonderful job with your bastard training. Now you just need to know a few more tips that are sure to keep things flowing smoothly for you.

Don't Sell Your Dick to the Devil

If you've been with her for this long, chances are that you have some pretty intense feelings for her by now. That's wonderful and I'm very happy for you, but you'll have to be very careful now. Since your emotions are on the line, it will be hard for you to do anything that might potentially hurt her. Just make sure that you acknowledge your own feelings and remind yourself that your emotions matter. Even though you're in a relationship, there's no reason to revert back to the nice guy who let himself get walked all over. Remember: Now matter how much you love her, women are still direct descendants of the devil. You've made it this far, so there's no need for you to sell your dick to the devil after all you've already been through.

Figure Out What YOU Want

Now that you're in a serious relationship, you may find yourself wondering what the fuck happened. A short time ago you were taking her to McDonald's and now she's hoping that you'll pop the question at that fancy Italian restaurant you took her to on her birthday. Where the hell were you when this change happened? While this feeling of sudden confusion is totally normal, it does mean that you're 49

going to have to sit down and think pretty hard. At this stage, you need to think about what you really want in your life. Are you willing and ready to be tied down to one woman for an infinite amount of time? Or would you rather get back out there and play the field before you settle down? When it comes to these questions, there's not much I can do to help you. The best thing you can do is sit down and figure out what you really want. Once you can answer that question, you'll know where to take it from there.

Keep the Kindness Coming

At this point in your relationship, you should be displaying equal amounts nice guy qualities and bastard characteristics. You still want to put your own emotions first because that was the point of this whole quest for bastardization. However, you've got to treat her like she's of the human species if you want to be in a serious relationship with her. Now it's okay for you to show her all of the nice guy traits that you hid for so long. If you do things properly, you should gradually introduce these features so it seems like a change you went through over the course of your relationship. Don't just start being nice one day or she'll realize that the beginning of your relationship was a lie. Now you can be the Boy Scout that you have always been at heart, but avoid doing all of the things that made it suck to be a nice guy. You should still put your foot down when you believe in something and remember that your opinions do count. Don't let her walk all over you and don't let that shy guy come back out to play. Just let all of the good qualities from both sides of your personality come out, and the rest will all happen naturally.

One Night Stands

If you're not looking for a relationship and you've read up until this point, you're probably ready to heave. While I wouldn't take it as far as vomit, I understand that sentiment and I can't say I blame you. Sometimes a man just needs to fuck. If you're not interested in dating, but you are interested in having at least 7 onenight stands every week, there are a few things you should know before you throw yourself on the market. You can choose to skip the rest of this section and just throw yourself out there, but if you don't have the proper skills, that would be like salting your body and

50

throwing it to the wolves. And take it from me, nobody wants to get attacked by a pack of angry wolves - especially when nudity is involved.

Are You Sure You're Done with Her?

Before you discard your latest fling into the one-night stand rejection pile, you should really stop to think about what you're doing. Do you have a particularly good reason to never see her again? For instance, did she snort when she had an orgasm? Did she smell like your dog smelled when you left him out in the rain? Or was she just such a vile bitch that you can't stand the idea of ever seeing her again? If you can't answer 'yes' to any of these questions, or to questions that are equally important, you should really consider what you're wasting. If you really don't want a relationship, it probably is best for you to get out now before either of you become emotionally attached to each other. If you think you might want a relationship, then it might be worth it to stick around and see where things go. The choice is yours. Just don't forget that once she's in the discard pile, it will be too late to pick her out again.

Be Prepared
If you plan on going on the Quest for the Holy Pussy, you'll have to go equipped with some tools that will be vital to your mission. Make sure that you head out with plenty of cash and condoms. You'll need to be prepared for if you go back to her place or if the two of you decide to shack up in a cheesy motel. Even if you don't plan on seeing her ever again, you're still responsible for at least some of the financial obligation that sex with strangers brings. If you plan to bring a woman back to your place, be sure to pussy proof your pad before she arrives. Make sure that your kitchen isn't filled with moldy dishes and that your underwear isn't thrown all around the floor. If she gets to your place and realizes that you're a dirty slob, there's a good chance that she will get the fuck out of there faster than you could tell her that you only wanted to fuck her once, anyway.

Be a Bastard, but Don't Get a Bad Rep

When you try to pick up chicks like a bastard, it can be easy for you to forget that you're dealing with a person. What you might not realize is that women talk. A lot. If you treat her like she's a filthy whore, she's going to tell everybody she encounters. You won't know who these people are, but they sure will know you. And the last thing you need is to be at some bar picking up a beautiful woman when a brigade of wronged women assaults you.

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Sure, I'm confident that you could survive the assault without a problem. But are you confident that the woman you're chatting up will want anything to do with you now that she knows you're a slime ball? Think about it and get back to me on that one.

Girlfriends versus Flings

Girlfriends will
rub your shoulders after a long day at work. cook you a hot meal whenever you're hungry. clean up your mess and bitch about it forever. want to cuddle after you have sex. spend time with your family without complaining. want to make love on special occasions. take care of you when you get sick.

Flings will
tell you to not to call them until you're ready to fuck. tell you to eat before you meet up with them. not see your mess because they don't know where you live. will want you to leave after you finish fucking them. pretend you don't have a family because they don't give a fuck about you. want to fuck on any occasion. tell you to fuck yourself because you could be contagious.

bitch, nag, and suck the life out of fuck and fuck and fuck some you whenever they can. more. get mad if you forget to put the toilet seat down. walk your dog when you're too tired to move. ask you to use the public restroom. kick your dog when you're not looking.

expect you to call them whenever expect you to call them when you go out. you're hard. expect you to call them as soon as you get home. tell you to fuck off when you give take your anger out on them. expect presents, romance, and other signs of your affection. expect you to call them when you get hard again. tell you to fuck yourself when you call them to begin with. expect orgasms, and can't guarantee they'll remain STD free

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Section 8 Tips to Keep in Mind...

Now that you know nearly everything there is to know about being a bastard, you have to learn how to keep up the charade. In other words, you'll need to know how to get a woman's attention before you can show off all of your other bastard qualities. After all, you will need to attract her before you get the chance to show off your wallet or avoid calling her for a few days. This section will teach you how to be the ultimate bastard by teaching you the tricks that will keep her hooked. You'll learn how to look the part, improve your game, and be a humane bastard in the process. Basically, these are tips that all men should know but barely any do. Now's your chance to stand out from the crowd and be the stud that any woman will swoon for.

Look the Part

Now that you know how to think and act like a bastard, you need to learn how to look the part, too. You may be asking yourself how one manages to look like a bastard; after all, it's not like there's a universal bastard uniform! (Note: If you see a shirt that says "bastard," "asshole," "player," or anything along those lines, don't buy it. Just step away from the rack and remember that real bastards don't need to advertise. Your new bastard aura should say it all!) If you want your look to make a statement, you'll have to learn how to transform yourself into the stud that's just dying to come out. You don't have to be an Adonis to unleash the inner stud. All you have to do is follow a few simple tips that will make you look as irresistible on the outside as you are on the inside.

Quick Grooming Tips

The first thing you'll need to learn is how to properly groom yourself. Contrary to popular belief, women like men who look like they belong to the modern-day human species. So, get ready to ditch anything that might make you look like a wild ape, a caveman, or even worse, a mix of the two.

Facial Hair
There are two kinds of men in this world: those who can get away with facial hair and those who should never even try. Out of the approximate three billion men in the world, there may be one thousand who fit into the 'facial hair' is good 53

category. Unless you are one of those men, it's probably best that you find a different way to make a statement. For some men, facial hair is a fabulous way to emphasize their great features. Facial hair can show off your prominent chin, distract from the lack of hair on top of your head, and give the illusion of jutting cheekbones. For these men, facial hair is a blessing that does wonders for their personal appearances. Then there are those other men, i.e. the majority of the male population. The men who fall into this category try to grow out their facial hair and frequently have disastrous outcomes. Some of these men simply look strange, while others give off the illusion of carrying a dead animal carcass beneath their chins. Just to be clear, women do not like to make out with anything that reminds them of road kill. So, if you think you might fall into the second category, please do the world a favor and make friends with a razor. If you think you fall into the first, take another look in the mirror and be sure before you make a facial hair commitment. If you absolutely require facial hair, just be sure to take good care of it. Try and keep it as neat and smooth as possible so she doesn't get hair burn when she kisses you. If your beard grows so long that you nearly pull your arm muscles while you brush it, chop some off. Finally, if you want to design your facial hair into a nifty shape, be consistent and shave the rest of your facial hair often. Otherwise, you're doomed to lead the 'facial hair is bad' party.

Hairs that Make Her Say 'Eww'

In the 1960s, body hair was a real turn-on for nearly every woman. Ironically, the 1960s was also the time when nearly every woman did a lot of drugs. Now let's put two and two together and try to make a connection. Are we on the same page now? Good. Now that most women have sobered up, body hair does not have the same appeal that it used to have. That's why so many spas offer men's packages and so many hair removal companies focus on men. Modern women simply don't want to date gorillas - no matter how big their bananas may be. Now, don't get me wrong. Most women don't want men to be completely hairless; that would just make them self-conscious about any hair that they might have on their bodies. Women want men to have body hair in moderation. While it is okay for some areas to have more hair than others, it is not pleasant to encounter too much body hair in any location. Here is a quick rundown of some body hair hot spots:

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Back Hair - For some reason, men think that back hair makes them look sexy and manly. While a bit of back hair is fine, most women do not want to braid the hair on your shoulders while they have sex with you. If your back hair is out of control, your best bet is to get rid of all of it. Either have somebody help you use a cream hair remover or invest in a back wax at a salon. If you think that will make you less manly, just think of how manly you'll feel when your smooth back gets you laid. Eyebrows - In case you didn't notice, "eyebrows" is a plural word. That's because there's supposed to be two of them. If you suffer from a unibrow or eyebrows that blend in with your sideburns, you really should consider some facial hair removal. You can try your luck at tweezing, but that will take a significant amount of time out of your day-plus, you risk the chance of screwing up your eyebrows beyond repair. Your best bet is to get them waxed by somebody who knows what they are doing. Waxing only takes a couple of seconds and the results will last for almost a month. In any case, take good care of your eyebrows and they will take good care of you. Armpit hair - Men have armpit hair and there's nothing we can do about that; it's just a fact of life. If your armpit hair gets so long that it threatens to dip into your dinner when you lift your fork, trim it down with a pair of regular scissors. Never under any circumstance should you shave or wax your pits. If women wanted to date other hairless creatures, they would be lesbians. Just don't fuck with your armpit hair. Chest hair - Chest hair just isn't what it used to be. Unless you're a rich Italian man who still lives in the motherland, you should be very careful with chest hair. If your nipples appear to be missing in the midst of your chest hair jungle, you should strongly consider trimming or waxing that hair. Shaving will help your problem too, but there is a good chance that it will leave you with a nasty case of razor burn that could make you look worse than the hair did to begin with. Da Pubes - When it comes to pubic hair, do whatever feels right. If you play in porn, feel free to shave it. If you don't, it's best to keep what you were born with, but bare in mind that the less pubic hair by the base, the larger your penis will appear. So therefore, it is a good idea to trim your pubes down so that your penis doesn't get lost in them. Your sex kitten will also appreciate those trimmings when she doesn't choke on a hairball while she goes down on you. Take it from me; blowjobs require enough effort without the added hazard of death by hair. Trust me on this.

Pearly Whites
The only thing worse than furry backs is furry teeth. If you want to find a woman, catch her interest, and make her your sex poodle, you'll have to do so without tempting her with the fur in your mouth. Much like back hair, the sex appeal that

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made Austin Power's sexy in his day will not help you today. Be sure to brush and floss at least once a day; when it comes to dental hygiene, the more the better! If your teeth have lingering evidence of your addiction to coffee or cigarettes, invest in some whitening strips. These barely take any time out of your day and they will make a significant difference for your smile. These simple tips will keep your teeth looking fresh, clean, and healthy. All in all, that's something to smile about!

Fashion for Dummies

Now that you look awesome, you need to be sure that your clothes match. I realize that not every guy has a knack for fashion, and there's nothing wrong with that. You don't have to be a fashion pro to look good. All you need is a few simple tips that will make it look like you know more about fashion than you really do. Thankfully, I'm here to teach you exactly what you need to know. (What can I say? I'm your own personal sex life advocate!)

Clothing Made Simple

Did you ever notice how much time people spend wrapping Christmas and birthday presents? They use bows, ribbons, glitzy paper, and decorative bags. On the off-chance that somebody does present a gift in a brown paper bag, it's usually preceded by an "I'm sorry." When it comes to gifts, presentation is everything. Now it's time for you to realize that you're the gift that she's been waiting for. You wouldn't dress yourself in a brown paper bag, so you shouldn't wrap yourself in anything as shitty as a bag. If you can show her that you put at least a little bit of effort into your ensemble, she's more than likely to devote more than a little time on you. The best advice I can give you on clothing is that size matters. A lot. Stores sell clothes by size for a very good reason: your clothes are meant to fit you. If your clothes fit you properly, you will look a million times better than if your clothes are too small or too large. Properly fitting clothing will highlight your assets and cover your downfalls. Clothes that don't fit will do the exact opposite. If you want to wear clothes that fit you right, you'll just need to take five minutes out of your day to measure yourself and look at a size chart. Use a measuring tape to measure the widest parts of your chest, waist, hips, and neck. Compare these measurements to your favorite store's size chart the next time you go shopping. If you do this, your actual fashion sense won't make much of a difference; you're bound to look your best.

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Big Fashion No-No's

Proper fit will get you pretty far, but there are still some cardinal rules of clothing that you should never break. If you can follow these simple rules and choose clothes that actually fit, you'll be amazed to see how handsome you'll look.

Clothing Rule # 1 - Don't Mix Patterns

Every now and then, we encounter a wild pattern that we cannot help but love. It may have plaid, it may have stripes, and it may even have dots. No matter what the pattern, it should always be surrounded by a bit of normalcy. If you try to mix different patterns together, the only thing you will accomplish is to make yourself look like a clown. I don't care how well the colors match or how great the outfit makes you look. There is no reason to combine different patterns on any occasion. When it comes to clothing with patterns, less really is more.

Clothing Rule # 2 - Keep the Funny Out of Your Closet

If you've taken a walk through the mall over the past decade or so, you probably noticed the plethora of witty shirts with clever sayings or pictures on them. Sure, it's funny to see a diagram of various drunken or sexual positions on the wall, but it's not so funny when that diagram is clearly broadcasted across your chest. If you have a humorous statement to make, do it with a bumper sticker. Remember, anything that you put on your body is more of an advertisement of who you are than it is for the person who designed it.

Clothing Rule # 3 - Socks OR Sandals: Make Your Choice

The beauty of sandals is that they're fast, they're easy, and they can be quite fashionable. All of these advantages go right down the drain when you try to mix them with a pair of socks. If you want to take the effort to put on socks, do the world a favor and wear a closed shoe with them. For crissake, what's the point of putting socks on with them, anyway? If you can manage to choose either socks or sandals, your feet - and the rest of the world - will thank you.

Clothing Rule # 4 - Don't Lose Your Pants

Now that you know not to wear oversized clothes, I hope you'll understand the horror of saggy, baggy pants. When women see men's boxers hanging out of the back of their pants, they don't want to see what's beneath the boxers. On the contrary, they want you to just pull your pants up. For the love of God, pull your pants up and let her use her imagination.

Clothing Rule # 5 - Tuck in Your Testicles

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I feel like I shouldn't even have to mention this, but too many representatives of your gender make this mistake. Never wear shorts that are shorter than her daisy dukes. I understand that summertime can be hot and it can really take its toll on your body, but that's no reason for you to expose your business to the world. A proper pair of men's shorts should not go more than four inches above the knee. Anything beyond that is a felony - at least in the fashion world. For more information see Grooming Secrets For Men, with skin care, shaving, body hair trimming, diet, exercise and lots of tips for men to help them look their best.

Be Good at What You Do

Now that you know how to make the most out of your appearance, you need to learn how to become the master of dating situations. The last thing you need is to show her how badly she wants you and then fizzle out when things get steamy. This segment will teach you exactly what you need to do if you want to make a good date and an amazing lover.

General Dating Tips

Just because you're trying to be a bastard doesn't give you an excuse to be the world's worst date. If you want to keep her around, you're going to have to flash her some of your charm. Follow these general tips to get a good idea of how to make the most out of any dating situation.

Location, Location, Location

Before you take her anywhere, you're going to need a game plan. Think of an interesting place that will pique her curiosity, but make it look like it didn't take any effort at all.

Ask Questions
If you want her to come back for seconds, you're going to have to include her in your conversation. You certainly don't want to focus the whole date on her, but you should take the time to ask her some questions about herself. That will make her feel like you're really into her, which will make it even easier for her to fall for your bastard trap later.

Don't Be Shy
Like I've said before, bastards should be arrogant and more than a little cocky. If you want to show her that you're a bastard, you're going to have to get over the shy thing and show her a bit of charisma. Just don't go overboard or you won't have anything to talk about if you decide to see her again.

Suggestions Anyone?

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If you want to get her back to your bedroom, you'll need to make your intentions known. You don't have to come right out and say, "Hey, wanna fuck?" But you should flash some indirect signals that indicate that sex has crossed your mind.

Be Slick
If it seems like she's ready to let you rock her socks off, don't be afraid to extend the invitation. Invite her back to your place so she can "see" something that might be of interest to her. This is another great reason for you to ask questions during your date. If she tells you that she's a hardcore rock & roll fan, invite her over to see your CD collection. This is the perfect way for you to get your point across without making an ass of yourself.

How to Be a Better Lover

Before you can hope to rock her socks off, you'll need to have a good idea of what you're doing. This is most likely not your first sexual experience, so you already have a rough idea of what goes where. However, there is a big difference between knowing how to have sex and knowing how to have great sex. This section will teach you some of the most important things you'll need to know, from kissing to muff diving, to sex itself.

Kissing
It all begins with a kiss. And if you want things to move past the beginning, you'll have to hope that the kiss is mighty impressive. When it comes to kissing, let this be your new mantra: Gentle will make her mental. Spend a bit of time just concentrating on her lips. Your tongue doesn't have to be involved in everything you do! Once she's warmed up to your lips and she seems about ready to melt into a puddle right in front of you, let your tongue make its entrance. Gently ease your tongue into her mouth and explore. Every now and then, make sure to remove your tongue and go back to lip play so you can both breathe and swallow any saliva that threatens to turn into drool. Take this time to shower a couple of kisses on other areas around her mouth. Kiss her neck, her ear, her cheeks, her eyelids, or her forehead. A little exploration will remind the rest of her body of how badly it wants to join in on the fun. Try to avoid doing anything that will hurt her, choke her, or simply gross her out. Never shove your tongue back as far as it will go because women don't want to deep throat every part of you. Pretend that you're a man instead of a vacuum cleaner, because women don't like to have their tongues brutally sucked out of their mouths, either. The final thing you should avoid is drooling all over her. While a lot of spit will help you in the foreplay department, all it will do in this stage is ensure that you'll never see the foreplay. Needless to say, that also 59

means you won't get any sex.

Foreplay
As far as women are concerned, there is nothing better than foreplay. Sure, sex is great, but it's nothing compared to foreplay. Since most women can't have an orgasm based on vaginal stimulation alone, foreplay is the perfect time to wake up her clit and announce that you're going to be visiting for a while. You may want to jump right into the good stuff, but that's not the best idea if you plan on seeing her again. A woman can have a great fuck and walk away without a second thought. If a woman finds a man who's great at foreplay, she'll stay with him no matter what. He could be a complete dick face in all other aspects of life and it won't matter. It's all about the foreplay.

Boobies, Boobies Everywhere...

Chances are that if you're not in a hurry, you're going to reach for her tits like a starving infant. I understand that you're eager and I really can't complain about that. After all, nearly every woman likes a good fondling every now and then! Just be sure that you don't overdo it and act like you've never seen a set of boobs before. Play it cool and she won't even realize how happy you are to say "hello" to her little friends. When you introduce your hands to her breasts, try to be polite. First impressions are everything! Cup her boob in your hand and move your fingers in soft circles. Focus on her nipples only after you've sufficiently explored the rest of her tits. Once you get to her nipples, you can do just about anything you want - so long as you're not a brute about it. Unless she specifically requests a set of nipple clamps, there is no reason for you to be rough with her tits. If you don't understand my logic on this part, try having somebody squeeze, bite, or pinch your nipples with incredible force. That doesn't feel so good, does it? What will feel good is any attention that isn't overly painful. Let your tongue get in on the action and swirl it around her nipple. You can involve your teeth as long as you bite fairly gently. If she pushes your head or your hand closer to her boobs, you're on the right track. If she arches her back away from you, slow down and back off. You're either being too rough or she suddenly realized that she forgot to do her pre-sex stretches. (Note: I've never encountered a woman who stretches before sex, so use your brain on this one.)

Spirit Fingers
Other than oral sex, a bit of crafty handwork is the most likely way for you to get her off. When it comes to pussy, there are a few things you should know. First of 60

all, the vaginal canal is not all that sensitive compared to the rest of it. Secondly, the clit is more sensitive than any other part of the male or female body. If you put two and two together, things should be clicking into place right about now. When your fingers decide to do a bit of exploring, don't jump right to the vaginal canal or to the clit. Start off by gently probing the rest of her nooks and crannies before you move in for the kill. Her clit will need a bit of time to adjust to the idea of your invasion. If you spring up on it to fast, you could very likely scare it away. And for any guy who's ever had a problem finding a clit, that is the last thing you ever want to do. Once you feel her swollen clit come out to see who's at the door, it's time to make your move. Try rubbing some gentle circles over and around it. If direct clitoral stimulation is too much for your lady of the night, focus more on the surrounding areas. Keep an eye out for her body language. If she pushes into you, she's into what you're doing. If she pulls away, she's really saying "Back off, asshole." The only thing worse than a pissed off clit is a pissed off woman attached to that clit. So, follow her cues and know when to stop, switch tempo, or evacuate that immediate area. This could make the difference between an amazing night of sex and an amazing night with your dirty cum sock. The choice is yours.

Oral Makes the World Go Round

As you may have guessed by now, oral sex is just about the best thing you can do for any woman. It doesn't matter if this woman is shy, virginal, uptight, or an outright dominatrix. If she has a pussy, she wants you to eat it. It's as simple as that. What she doesn't want is for you to look at her pussy like it's a creature from another planet while you blindly flop your tongue around inside of it. Muff diving is an art and it must be treated as such. If you want to be a successful master of all things pussy, you need to know what you're doing, where you're going, and how to get there. These things can't be learned in a night, but they can be learned with a good guide and a lot of practice. We don't have time to go over this subject in detail, but I'd like to fill you in on a few pointers. The best and most important thing you can do is to avoid doing things all wrong. If you want to make her your willing sex slave, you'll need to treat her pussy like it's the last pussy on Earth and you will have four billion angry men on your back if you damage it.

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Are you with me so far? Good. When you go down on a woman, you have to be gentle. Very, very gentle. Don't act as if your mouth is an alien Brillo pad that was sent down to Earth to rid the world of pussy scum. Be gentle and take your time. Let your tongue explore and let your fingers join in on the fun. Just keep in mind that oral sex is not the time to incorporate a 'the more the merrier' philosophy into your foreplay. Her pussy is hosting an invitation-only party, and your teeth did not make it onto the guest list. If they try to crash the party, your entire body will get kicked out. (Note: If you are interested in knowing just about everything there is to know about eating pussy, I highly recommend that you read Cunnilingus Academy: 101 Lessons in the Art of Cunnilingus. This comprehensive e-book will teach you advanced techniques in hand and oral play. It even delves into the secrets of the g-spot and teaches you how to find the damn thing to begin with. Basically, if you're looking for an advanced handbook, that is where you should go!)

Let's Talk About Sex

So, we're finally down to the nitty gritty of it. You've been ready to have sex with her since you saw her and she finally agrees with your opinion. Now the only thing that's stopping you from having the time of your life is you. Funny how the world works, isn't it? Many men find the best sexual technique (for them) to be the one where they slam into her over and over while she pounds her head off the headboard. Ironically, these men are the same men that make women wish they were still virgins. Since you most likely want her to remember you as the man who made her a nymphomaniac, this is not a good technique for you to follow. More memorable would be for you to just tease her with it at her opening - lingering there while just barely sneaking in and out a fraction of an inch. Instead, try treating her as if she might want to get something out of the sex, too. Alternate slow, hard thrusts with fast, soft thrusts. Rotate your pelvis in circles while you go at it so your penis can hit as many areas of her pussy as possible. If you really want to be a stud, take a break to collect yourself and prolong your own orgasm. Swoop in for a little more oral, and she'll be yours for the taking. Of course, if you're only looking for a one-night stand, you might not want to take all of the extra time and effort. You might just want to present her with your package, deliver your load, and get the hell out of there. While I can understand

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where you're coming from, I can't say I would recommend this. Remember - women talk. I'm not at liberty to say exactly what they talk about, but I can tell you that their gossip can ensure that an unpleasant penis encounter is all it takes to ensure that you don't get any again. From anyone. Ever. But hey, feel free to do as you see fit - just don't complain to me if your dick makes it on the America's Most Unwanted list.

Sex Etiquette
If you want to keep yourself off of every local woman's shit list, you'll have to display a bit of sex etiquette. I'm not saying that you have to pull out her chair before she cums or address her as "Ms. Shania" while you fuck. I'm simply saying that you need to be a little nice and display a bit of human decency. When it comes to sex, even bastards need good manners. If you feel comfortable enough to stage a one-man invasion on her pussy, you should feel comfortable enough to treat her like a human. Your courtesy might not help you out in your own life, but it would help out other men in the future. Think of sex etiquette as your way of paying it forward. If she has a pleasant one night stand with you, she's much more likely to either give you more pleasant experiences or engage in future pleasant experiences with other men. If you leave her with a sour taste in her mouth (and not from your semen,) she is less likely to have any one-night stands in the future. So, if every bastard out there could do his part to pay it forward and pave the road for other bastards, the act of pleasant one-night stands will eventually come full circle. In other words, be good and you'll be able to cum your way through the entire female circle.

Your Place or Hers?

If you know you're going to get some, you should stop to think about the location. If you go to her place, you could potentially throw yourself into an uncomfortable situation. She could have a secret room where she likes to shove things in her prey's asses. She could handcuff you to the bed and force you to stay the night. She could even kick your ass out on the street and refuse to return your clothes if you don't play your part well. The good news is, she probably won't do any of these things. Just keep in mind that she could. If you bring her back to your place, you could wind up opening an even bigger can of worms. Once you bring her home with you, she'll know where you live. 63

That means that she'll be free to show up at your place whenever she wants. You could find her sitting on your stoop when you come waltzing in with another woman. Or, you could find her standing outside with a pizza while she waits for you to get home from work. If something went terribly wrong, she could even be waiting to kick you in the balls for being a bastard. The point is that once you let her invade your personal space, she'll be free to drop by as she pleases. While most women have the self-restraint not to do these kinds of things, some of us are just crazy enough to break the rules. So, if you're going to bring it on home, just make sure you think things out beforehand.

Even Bastards Pay Cab Fare

The most important thing you can know about sex etiquette is that you're still the man in the relationship, fling, or whatever you'd like to call it. Politically correct or not, you're the man and it's your responsibility to get her home safely. You can drive her or call her a cab, but the point remains the same. Her transportation is your moral and financial obligation. Leave her to fend for herself and I can almost assure you that a brigade of angry women will be on your doorstep in no time and unlike the woman who started the whole thing, these women will not have your pleasure on their minds.

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Section 9 Final Thoughts

Well, men. We've come a long way, you and I. You started this journey as a nice guy who couldn't get a girl. Now you know how to get a girl and you know exactly what to do with her once you have her. All in all, I would say your mission was successful. Through the course of reading this e-book, you learned everything you need to know to go from nice guy to bastard. You learned exactly why it's not good to be labeled as a nice guy and you learned why bastards get all the girls. You learned how to phase the nice guy out of your life and how to let the bastard take the drivers seat. And since you learned that whether you're acting like a nice guy or a bastard, you're still the same person, you learned why you deserve that driver's seat. Now you know how to tuck away all of those qualities that repel women and how to replace them with strategies that nearly any woman will find irresistible. You learned how to pick up women, where to find them, and what to do with them once they're in your clutches. You also learned how to make yourself the perfect date, what to do when the date winds up in your bedroom, and how to react when you want your bedroom to yourself again. Yeah, you learned a hell of a lot. Now all you have to do is get out there and practice everything you learned. The tips in this e-book will provide you with all of the knowledge you need to get women, but they won't do you much good if you don't practice. As with all other things in life, practice makes perfect. So, if you want to be the perfect bastard, you'd better put this book down and get practicing! It's been a pleasure going through the phases of being a bastard with you, boys. Now it's time for me to depart and let the magic begin. You know everything you need to know to succeed; now you just have to get out there and put your knowledge to good use. Now go get that pussy! ~ Shyanne Neiman The chick who really did rock your world

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Bastard Resources:
Cunnilingus Academy: 101 Lessons in the Art of Cunnilingus MillionaireMatch Grooming Secrets For Men

By Shyanne Neiman
Copyright

2006 Lifted Hearts Network. All Rights Reserved

Advice For Men

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