8 Reasons Rich People Hate Their Lives

How to have a great life and a great business

By Sonia Simone

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8 Reasons Rich People Hate Their Lives

Heres one view of what business is about. According to this well-known business guru, you must take this approach or your business cannot be successful. The entrepreneurs responsibility is this: maximum profit and wealth to his shareholders. If youre the sole shareholder, thats you. . . . Integrity for the entrepreneur is optimizing sales and profits and value in the business he captains. i Heres another definition from a different well-known entrepreneur. Topping my list of gut feelings is this: business has to give people enriching, rewarding lives, or its simply not worth doing. ii One of those quotes is from a multi-millionaire. The other is from a billionaire. In fact, hes started more billion-dollar companies from scratch than any other person on the planet. So clearly, both strategies work. Both points of view attract wealth. Both can make you rich. Sure, it would probably be interesting to be a billionaire, but my guess is that you would be comfortable with the financial picture of either of these two men. They buy what they feel like buying. They choose what theyre going to work on. They have fame, comfort, and autonomy. They both keep extremely busy, and are in many ways defined by their work.

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Here are two more quotes, one from each of our two famous entrepreneurs. First up: I lived in Phoenix from 1978 to 2004, and never got to the Grand Canyon. Never drove all the back roads. Never got to the places I like enough. . . . I didnt get to the zoo at all last year, there are at least a dozen terrific restaurants I didnt get to all year. I missed shows at Playhouse Square, . . . didnt set foot in the Art Museum. . . . People often ask me genuinely puzzled what Ill do when I retire. They cant seem to conceive of anything I might do with my time, not working. Ive got a very long list. Starting with the zoo. iii

And now for the other perspective: Entrepreneurship . . . is not necessarily about making a lot of money. It is absolutely not about letting work take over your life . . . . I think entrepreneurship is our natural state a big adult word that probably boils down to something much more obvious like playfulness. I believe the drudgery and clock-watching are a terrible betrayal of that universal, inborn entrepreneurial spirit. iv So one of the two seems to have made greater sacrifices for his wealth. Hes traded a significant portion of joy for his success. Hes comfortable with that trade, but you might not be. So you might want to model the playful entrepreneur, rather than the one who never got to go to the zoo.

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This report is going to talk about how to do that. Im going to get into some of the core principles of a discipline called Positive Psychology, which studies the science of happiness. Im going to look at whats been proven to add more satisfaction to a life. We only get a limited number of days to play this game, my friend. You only have a certain number of days to love your mate, have dinner with friends, go sailing. You only get a handful of summers with your kids. Your number of perfect spring days is finite. By the way, you probably guessed that the entrepreneur who has more fun is the same one who believes that the primary purpose of a business is to give people rewarding lives. But did you guess that hes also the billionaire? The multi-millionaire is the notoriously cranky Dan Kennedy. The billionaire is the playfully irreverent Richard Branson.

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There is a science of happiness

There are certain behaviors that research has shown will make you less happy. Youll be less satisfied, more subject to depression, more pessimistic. Conversely, the flip sides of those behaviors are shown to make you happier. More satisfied. More subject to joy. More optimistic. Lets look at 8 dangerous behaviors that entrepreneurs can fall prey to, behaviors that damage happiness and can also sabotage success. With each one, well look at how we can play the game in a smarter way. A wiser way. A way that gives us more perfect spring days, more dinners with friends, more trips to the zoo. Since both paths can make us a millionaire, lets look at the wise, happy path.

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Dangerous Behavior #1: Thinking Its Just Business

Ever have someone screw you over and then trot this one out? Nothing personal. Its just business. Killing coal miners in accidents caused because you routinely dodge safety regulations, and deciding that actually obeying the law to keep them safer would be too expensive. Its just business. A history of sloppy conduct eventually leads to the spilling of millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico. Destroying the livelihoods of tens of thousands of people, never mind the appalling environmental devastation. Its just business. Conditions in your offshore factories are so oppressive that your employees are committing suicide. Its just business.

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Is it any wonder you sometimes feel squeamish about becoming successful? Who would want to be one of these guys? Heres the reality: Checking your ethics at the door isnt smart business. Its laziness. It is also, in fact, very bad for your business.

Good karma, good business

Lets go back to our happy billionaire. Branson is pouring lots of those Virgin billions into developing renewable fuel sources. Is that because hes a good guy? Partly. It makes him feel better to do things that are good for the world. But he also knows that theres a massive market for wiser fuels, for fuels that dont rely on a nonrenewable resource. For fuels that dont dangerously increase the levels of carbon in the atmosphere. He sees the writing on the wall. At some point, countries around the world will write laws to limit the use of the fuels we use today. Those fuels will also eventually become very expensive as they become depleted.

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The market for greener fuels will explode. And Virgin will get even richer than it already is. When you amputate your sensitivity and empathy in order to meet a short-term business goal, you may make some money this quarter. But you expose your company to regulation, lawsuits, and boycotts. Youll also wake up at 3 in the morning, unable to block out the fact that youre a monster. Sure, you can make money as an unscrupulous bastard. Plenty of people do. But that path is for suckers. Its for people who are chasing illusions that will only make them miserable. Thats not your path. Wise, happy millionaires know that real wealth, the kind that lasts and multiplies, comes from creating value. They cultivate empathy rather than trying to amputate it. They focus on contribution. They solve real problems and make the world better.

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Dangerous Behavior #2: Fixing Your Weaknesses

Conventional wisdom will tell you that to be successful as an entrepreneur, you absolutely must be a great salesman. So what do you do if youre a lousy salesman? You could do what a lot of people do, which is to give up and keep the day job. Or you could take a lot of very expensive sales training, put months or even years into practicing your approaches and closes and elevator pitches. With a lot of effort, and hundreds of hours spent doing something you hate, you could become a mediocre salesperson. But you have another option. Actually, you have a limitless number of other options. All you need to do is reframe the problem to focus on what you do incredibly well. You could create non-salesy content and communication that built incredible levels of trust with your prospects. You might even joke about what an entirely inept salesperson you are. Traditional-minded sales pros will tell you how naive you are while you smile and count your profits.

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8 Reasons Rich People Hate Their Lives

You could obsess over your customers needs until you had an offer to make that would make her delirious with desire. Instead of selling ice to Eskimos, you could talk to a bunch of Eskimos, really listen, and find out what they actually want and need. Then you could learn a couple of simple and non-creepy communication techniques that made it easier for the customer to buy. Thats just one example. Maybe youre great at selling, but you suck at numbers. British publishing tycoon Felix Dennis made his first several million pounds before anyone was able to explain to him how to read a balance sheet. We get hung up on some kind of grade-school idea that we have to master everything. Good news: youre officially allowed to get over it. Use this report as your permission slip, if you want. Wise, happy millionaires refuse to do things they hate. When they do something they suck at, its because they get off on the growth and the learning experience. They partner with others who complement their strengths, so everyone is doing work thats meaningful, that turns them on, thats fun.

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8 Reasons Rich People Hate Their Lives

Dangerous Behavior #3: Measuring Against the Wrong Yardsticks

Success coach Dan Sullivan has a great metaphor for ideals. He compares them to the horizon. No matter how fast you run, how hard you try, how dedicated you are, youre never going to reach the horizon. The horizon moves. And so do your ideals. You see this when a friend loses 30 pounds and looks terrific but measures herself against ever more-anorexic celebrities, and never manages to actually feel good about her appearance. You see it with high-power professionals in New York and London, who feel poor making a million dollars (or pounds) a year. When they reach two million, they feel poor because theyre not making ten. Theyre chasing the horizon.

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The real purpose of goals

Now Im not knocking goals. Its fun to pursue goals. But setting goals is like plotting a course to sail a boat. You can decide youll go to Costa Rica, or San Francisco, or Liverpool. In terms of your happiness, where you end up is completely immaterial. Where we live doesnt have any effect on how happy we are. Once were out of extreme poverty, our income has virtually no effect on how happy we are. Being great-looking has no effect on how happy we are. It will not make you happy if your next launch scores 1000 new customers. If your work is accepted by that prestigious gallery. If your novel hits the New York Times list. If you move to Santa Fe. If you win the lottery. If your fairy godmother comes along and gives you all the money you ever wanted, makes you tall and gorgeous and thin, and then gives you a private estate in the Caribbean, you will not be any happier than you are right now. You think that those things will make you happy. You think youre different. We all think that.

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8 Reasons Rich People Hate Their Lives

But evidence collected from tens of thousands of people shows the truth. Chasing goals for their own sake is a very expensive illusion. What makes you happy is navigating that boat Autonomy makes us happy. Making decisions and taking action to move toward what we want makes us happy. Purpose makes us happy. Commitment to a project thats deep enough to carry us through the hard part makes us happy. So yes, work hard. Yes, be focused. You can even be a little obsessed. But dont confuse any arbitrary yardstick with happiness. If it can be measured, its not what youre really pursuing. The yardstick is just a tool to help you get some focus. Piloting the boat aimlessly just isnt as much fun as deciding where you want to go. Wise, happy millionaires know that the steps on the journey have to be fun. They know better than to short themselves on time with their families, days spent purely for pleasure, and even something as simple as a good nights sleep.

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8 Reasons Rich People Hate Their Lives

Dangerous Behavior #4: Spending Money on the Wrong Stuff

Ever heard of the Hedonic Treadmill? No, its not a band name. Its an effect based on the psychological principle of adaptation. And adaptation is just a fancy name for getting used to stuff. Whether you live in a dwelling thats 400 square feet or 40,000 square feet, youll get used to it pretty quickly. It becomes your version of normal. When you consume a luxury every day, its not a luxury any more. A super caramel triple-shot cappuccino with whipped cream and sprinkles is a luxury when you drink it once a month, making a little ritual out of it, sitting at your favorite table in the coffee shop and drinking in tiny sips with your eyes closed. If you do it every morning on your way to work, its just caffeine and calories. Thats the hedonic treadmill. Pleasure becomes ordinary, so you seek more and more sensation, something more and more luxurious to give you the same payoff.

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8 Reasons Rich People Hate Their Lives

Adaptation comes in two flavors

There are the luxuries you get used to because you consume them every day. And there are the luxuries that dont seem like luxuries because all of your friends have them too. Back to our poor millionaires in New York, its the $12,000 Rolex that becomes cheap and ordinary next to the $197,041 Patek Phillipe. 1,000 square feet in Iowa City is painfully cramped. In Moscow, its delicious luxury. A lot of people have certain luxuries that become yardsticks for them. Ill feel successful when I buy a Mercedes. Ill feel successful when I have an Armani suit. No, you wont. So is it as simple as Money cant buy happiness? Actually, money can buy happiness if you know where to shop. More specifically, spend money on experiences. Have adventures. Travel. Take classes. Connect with your family and friends. Absorb yourself in a challenging hobby like horseback riding or sailing. You dont have to spend money on luxurious experiences. You dont need to go deepsea diving in Bali to be happy. A trip to the aquarium with your four-year-old might bring as much or more satisfaction.

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But when you get to the point where a trip to Bali is in your budget, it will bring you infinitely more satisfaction (for much less money) than a $197,041 watch will.

Dangerous Behavior #5: Identifying Yourself as Smart and Talented

This one is really counterintuitive. A funny thing happens when you tell a bright, curious kid that hes smart. You actually set him on a track to be unhappy, have a terrible self-image, stay on a treadmill that never gets him where he wants to go, and live with a constant gnawing pit of self doubt. Sounds totally insane, right? But Carol Dweck, one of the worlds foremost researchers in motivation, has discovered that thinking of ourselves as smart or talented sets up a surprisingly poor mindset for future achievement or happiness.

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Choose your mindset wisely

Dweck has found two different mindsets, one she calls fixed and one she calls growth. In the fixed mindset, weve been given a certain set of gifts. Youve heard this expression, Youve either got it or you dont. Everything we achieve or dont achieve gets attributed to innate talent. Got an A on the math test? Its because I'm good at math. Got an F on the same test? I must be dumb at math. When success is about talent, you dont take that much pleasure in achievement. After all, its just your natural gifts, nothing you really worked for. Conversely, when you fail, it becomes a fatal portent that you arent gifted or talented after all. So you take little pleasure in success, but failure brings you to despair. This is a recipe for a life that sucks. People with the growth mindset see things differently. When they succeed at something, they think, Yep, Im proud of how hard I worked on that. And if I work a little harder, I bet I can do even better. When they fail, they think, Hm, that strategy didnt work. I wonder what I can change so I can have a better result next time.

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8 Reasons Rich People Hate Their Lives

Its probably fairly obvious that the growth mindset will set you up for a life thats more successful and more satisfying. The fixed mindset tends to lead to pessimism, imposter syndrome, and a fatal allergy to taking risks. Do yourself a favor and pick up Dwecks book Mindset for a complete explanation of the phenomenon. For now, focus on thinking more like a growth mindset person. When you catch yourself saying, My last launch didnt go well. I must be a crappy businessperson. Guess Ill never really make it in my business, realize that its just your mindset talking. And mindset can be changed. Wise, happy millionaires adopt a growth mindset. When they fall into fixed mindset thinking, they recognize it and change how theyre talking to themselves. They know that mindset can be changed at will. And they know that success comes from taking action, not from intelligence or talent.

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Dangerous Behavior #6: Failing to Make New Friendships

I hate most rich people, but I think Id be darling at it. ~ Dorothy Parker Ever hear the expression, Its lonely at the top? Theres some truth to it. Most people dont think like entrepreneurs. They avoid any kind of risk, because their fixed mindset says that if they fail, it will show the world (and themselves) that theyre dumb. And they avoid success, because theyre afraid of envy and negative attention. Most peoples self image says that theyre in the right place. They think that if theyre underpaid and underappreciated, its probably because thats about what they deserve. They may long to win the lottery, but they wont take action to make more money or to attain an audacious goal.

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When you start to change your behavior so you are doing those things, it can be threatening sometimes to the people you care about the most.

Coming under friendly fire

Your family may worry youre going a little overboard on this success stuff. Your parents may tell you not to go thinking youre some kind of millionaire. And your friends may try to pressure you into lightning up and wasting time with them on some lame activity you dont even like all that much. Successful entrepreneurs dont have to be heartless, but they do have to be pretty good at setting boundaries. They need to recognize hostility or sabotage, and to refuse to let those things slow them down. Most of all, they need to recognize when they have their own issues with hating rich people, and to make a decision to get over it. If you hate rich people, youll constantly sabotage your own work to get rich. (Rich can, of course, just mean that you get to buy whatever kind of cheese you feel like at Whole Foods. Theres a pretty huge spectrum of rich.) Just as youre on the cusp of doing something extraordinary, youll screw it up. Youll start blowing deadlines, getting sloppy in your execution, finding resistance to work you used to love.

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The answer to both problems (lack of support among the people you know now, and hidden bad attitudes about wealth in your own thinking) are the same: Hang out with more successful people. Ever wonder why rich people will spend so much money on a country club membership? The golfs not that much better. Its because rich people like to hang out with other rich people. They like hanging out with people who expect to succeed. They benefit from making friends they can do business with. And they know that we all unconsciously pick up the beliefs and expectations of the people we spend a lot of time with.

Finding the right group

As I said, there are a lot of different flavors of rich. So find the flavor that works for you. You may not particularly like the folks at the country club, but a small group of successful writers or artists would be a wonderful place to hang out. You don't necessarily need to find people who do exactly what you do. (In fact, youll learn more from people in wildly different industries.) What youre looking for is a group that embodies the values you want to strengthen in your own thinking.

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I will modestly suggest that you want a group that models: The growth mindset A focus on contribution and ethical success An insistence that business be fun

Wise, happy millionaires spend time with other wise, happy millionaires. They know that attitudes positive or negative are contagious.

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Dangerous Behavior #7: Sacrificing Relationships for Success

You remember we talked about the fact that how much money you have, where you live, how good-looking you are have no correlation with happiness? That doesnt mean theres nothing you can do to be happier. Probably the most important factor that you can control is the quality of your relationships. Which means that the many successful people who put off time with their kids, time with their mate, and time with good friends in order to build their businesses are doing something very, very foolish. Theyre trading away something that will make them happy, because of a completely incorrect belief that success and money will make them happy. And as enjoyable and rewarding as business friendships can be, a life with only business relationships is a pretty impoverished one.

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If you have kids, put them in your schedule. Every day. For some serious time hanging out, not just 15 minutes of quality time before the nanny or your mate puts them to bed. If you have a significant other, put some dirty weekends into your calendar. (You can call them romantic weekends if you like.) Check into a great little bed & breakfast. Go for a hike, have some great dinners.

Get your head out of your business

There need to be days in your life when you do not do a single damned thing to move your business forward. (Weirdly, regularly scheduling such days will move your business forward. Strange but true.) Because youre making sure the journey is enjoyable, and not trying to motor as fast as you can to a destination that has no intrinsic meaning anyway, the second most important thing you can make time for is your relationships. (Well talk about the most important thing below.) Your business will eat all of the time you make available for it. And it will still be hungry, no matter how much you give it.

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8 Reasons Rich People Hate Their Lives

So its your job to decide. You set the boundaries. You outline what your days will look like. You outline how you will spend your time. You decide what youre going to value. You make sure that your highest priorities are covered. Allow me to suggest that you put, as your highest priorities, the things that are most likely to actually make you happier. Healthy and rewarding relationships are right at the top. Wise and happy millionaires make their relationships a priority. They schedule time with family and friends, and they take that time as seriously as any business activity. They know that the business will always want more hours than any of us can ever give. They know that its healthy to set boundaries with our businesses, even if were passionate about them.

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Dangerous Behavior #8: Trying to Run on Fumes

I said there was one thing more important than taking care of our relationships. Its taking care of ourselves. The first very common and very dangerous way this manifests is by shorting ourselves on sleep. Driving while sleep-deprived is as dangerous as driving drunk, but most of us dont give it a second thought. Going without enough sleep makes you stupid. Worse, it makes you unable to feel how impaired you are. You think youre ok. But actually, your judgment is terrible, your focus is worse, and your reaction time is a bad joke. Oh, and by the way, your immune system sucks and youre radically increasing the odds that youll gain weight. Does that sound like someone whos able to be on top of a challenging business? Does it sound like someone whos having a full and happy life?

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The problem is, we dont go without enough sleep just every once in awhile. We do it day in and day out. We believe that weve trained ourselves to get by on 5 hours of sleep a night. (A few people, statistically, do need less sleep. But if you had to train yourself, you arent one of them.) And you know the other culprits. Theyre on your New Years resolutions every year. You eat crappy food. You dont get any exercise. You let stress eat you alive. You dont make any time to do silly, frivolous things that bring you pleasure.

Scheduled maintenance
Ever work with a big, high-volume photocopy machine? High maintenance doesnt begin to cover it. Theres always something wrong with the damned things. They start having hourly paper jams, or they start sprinkling cheerful ink confetti on your documents. And of course they have pricy ink and toner that need frequent replacement. The only way to keep these things running is to get ahead of the problem to have the fix-it-up-dude come out on a regular schedule to keep everything in good shape.

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If youre too busy or too broke to make that happen, the karmic law of disasters guarantees that the machine will break down spectacularly at the exact moment the FedEx guy is waiting for you to print out the biggest proposal of your career. Scheduled maintenance is critical for any complex piece of equipment thats working at or close to its maximum productivity. And the fix-it-up dudette will tell you that delicate equipment is a lot easier and cheaper to maintain than it is to repair.

How to get anything done

If something (anything) must get done, then you must carve out dedicated time for it. You, my friend, are a high-maintenance machine. Youre the complicated invention that cant be replaced. Your work relies on your energy, your creativity, and your enthusiasm. And you can only fake those things on a very limited basis. Starbucks is a crappy substitute for creativity and life force. By now, I suspect youve gotten my main point. You have to schedule maintenance on yourself. And you probably need to do that daily. (Sorry, workaholics. I dont make the rules, I just write them down.) You are too busy for a psychic breakdown. And youre not rich enough (yet) to cope with being forced to take three months off to repair your damaged nervous system. So start taking care of your machine every day. Starting today.

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Why did I write this report?

Partly, Im obsessed with the path of the wise, happy, wealthy person. And when Im obsessed, I write. And partly because I think these ideas can do great things for a whole bunch of wonderful people. People who are feeling stuck in one way or another, who sense theres a better way, but theyre not sure how to find it. They may be looking for the freedom and autonomy of running their own business, but theyre not sure how to make that happen in a way thats true to their deepest values. Ive recently joined the crew at Lateral Action, an organization devoted to providing tips and techniques that help you focus on doing remarkable things, rather than getting bogged with doing trivial busy work. And if you enjoyed the perspective contained in this report, then weve got some other things youll want to take a look at. A recorded conversation (with edited transcript) between poet/business coach Mark McGuinness and bestselling novelist and historian Steven Pressfield, about the true art of entrepreneurship.

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A recorded conversation (with edited transcript) between producer/entrepreneur Brian Clark and 37signals founder Jason Fried, about building businesses that produce not just remarkable profits, but remarkable lives. A longer report where Brian shares specific strategies that build smart businesses, based on his successes and more importantly, his failures on the way to building a multimillion dollar enterprise on his own terms. Heres where you go to pick up all the content as each installment becomes available in the next week. I hope youll want to continue this conversation with us. Im very much looking forward to talking more with you. All the best, Sonia Simone

Dan Kennedy, No B.S. Wealth Attraction in the New Economy Richard Branson, Business Stripped Bare iii Kennedy, My Unfinished Business iv Branson, Business Stripped Bare
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