Ruthoncer's Safari Log

by Eric Gragsone

World of Warcraft and all related materials copyright © Blizzard Entertainment, all other
material copyright © Eric Gragsone.

This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 United
States License. To view a copy of this license, visit

http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/3.0/us/

or send a letter to Creative Commons, 171 Second Street, Suite 300, San Francisco,
California, 94105, USA.

Letter from Camp

Dear Father,

I'm writing from the Valley of Trials taking the mandatory training. Thank you for the nice
bags, they've proved to be a practical gift. They've taught us how to use an ax and a bow,
but this seems one level away from being a grunt. I have to prove myself to the Horde by
doing ridiculous feats of so called bravery.

Let me describe a recent incident to highlight the epitome of genius here. After a long hot
day of killing rabbits, pigs, and scorpions, I went to the local merchant to quench my thirst.
I'm not even out of training yet, and this nut is trying to sell me Morning Glory Dew for two
gold a case. What would I be doing in this hell-hole if I could afford this stuff? It doesn't
even get me drunk. Either his boss hates him, or this guy has no clue about the
"demographics" in the area. I wonder if he has spent two minutes thinking about why his
high priced items don't move.

I don't want to die in some army. Mindlessly flailing my weapons, against another large
crowd of men who would be laborers if there wasn't a war. You didn't raise a dummy. I
want to hunt. I want to use my mind and finesse and when I kill someone, I want it to be
premeditated, not chance. But you also raised me to be responsible, so I'll complete this
ritual, but afterwards I'm venturing out to be my own man.

Zug zug,
Your son.
Sri'skulk

"Japan's No.1 Beer". Can't say I know who this Japan fellow is, but he's got my admiration.
So, there I was in the midst of all these nasty black spiders with my pal Chompsalot. He's
that croc I said I always wanted to tame. Man, having a croc for a pet makes for some
awkward moments. Like the time I had to tell a widow that her son didn't turn out to be
such a hot croc hunter after all. She did give me a nifty cap though for returning her sons
"lucky charm." Being a gentleman and all, I washed the blood off in the river...

Oh! the spiders, yea...

So I flew over to Brill, word had it that they were giving away nice sharp axes as a bounty
for killing the local humans. After bringing back a duffel bag of heads and collecting me ax, I
went to the local inn for a quick drink...

Yes I'm getting to the point, this is a big can a beer I figured the story should be just as
big...

So I'm there laughing with all these undead, half-dead, forgot-to-die warriors about this
"Scarlet Crusade". When one of the worm bait tells me he saw a friar fall to the fangs of
Sri'skulk, and how he cant wait to see the look on the friar's face when he "crosses over".
So I inquire about this Sri'skulk, it turns out to be a legendary spider in those parts. Course,
legendary seems to be code word for something with brains. Just what I've been thirsting
for, a real opponent. Faster than he could guess the direction of this beast I grab my brand
new ax, whistled for my croc, and off we went.

Along the way we got jumped by demon doggies and vampire bats, it was tough, but we
fought our way through and soon found ourselves in a misty field with spiders crawling
everwhere, just like the guy said. Problem was, how would I know which one was the right
one. The only way to know was to kill'em all starting with the one biting my leg. After a
while we were covered in spider chunks when I saw the ugliest spider of them all. That's
pretty bad considerin' that they're all ugly!

She was too big for me to step on, so I shot a few arrows just to piss her off, and then
began hackin away at that thick shell. Nothing was phasing her until ol'chomp started
chompin her legs. I can honestly tell you that a spider can cry, and you dun want to witness
it. Finally after the shrieking stopped, I opened me eyes and noticed my hatchet had busted
open her body and poor chomp was under a large pile of goo. Luckily for him, goo is easy to
wash off after a jump in the lake. Course everyone jumping outta the lake when that
happened. The must never have met a pet croc before.

Oh yeah, almost forgot, that spider had a nice silky green cape in her teeth, I guessed it
belonged to that friar. Well, he wont be needing it now. Little small for me thou, but I
guess it'll do for a while.
Dishu

I returned home to Crossroads after a very profitable wolf hunt in the Silverpine Forest.
There is some folklore about a very dangerous wolf named Gorefang, but I couldn't find any
evidence again. So I returned to Crossroads because me axe was losing its edge, and as
luck would have it there was a bounty on Centaurs that would reward me with a new shiny
ax. I am beginning to think that Thrall has some elven blacksmith locked up in a dungeon
cranking out shiny axes to supply all these bounties. It makes the axes so much more
precious to think that they're made by chained-up elves.

Not a moment after I land, some troll was running around the guards screaming about
some bloody lion. Apparently his papy tried to do the circus trick, where you put your head
in the lions mouth, but forgot to take it back out. Being the kind soul that I am, and
smelling the blood of a new hunt. I went out immediately after this lion. Finding him wasn't
a problem, just ran opposite of the screaming natives. I found him taking under a tree with
a few lionesses, napping off a full meal. Ah the life of being the king.

The trick was that I had to get his attention without those lioness being the wiser. I setup
shop on a ridge behind the tree with him in clear view. I woke him up with a stinging arrow,
a sure enough he came charging. I had to hold back chomps until the the lion was close
enough, and then is was hack and slash from there. All of the sudden two cubs charged us
as well. Apparently this guy was a papy as well! Well since I had just killed their dad, I did
the human thing and put them to rest as well. No kid should grow up without a father.
When all was said and done, I found another cape in his belly. Apparently capes don't digest
well, but this one was a better fit.

I drag the carcass back and gave the kid his papy's cape out of charity. When the guards
saw the mane that I had skinned, they knew that this was none other than Dishu. The
second most feared lion in all the Barrens. Man was I pissed! I wasted all that time and
risked my neck, for "Second." After a few drinks I realized that big game is still big game,
and a hunt is still a hunt.

After a nightcap here, I headed back to Silverpine to hunt more wolves and bears.
Gorefang

Once again I was flying through the eriee woods of Silverpine Forest. In the frosty summer
sky I was paying attention to all the wolves below. If there was a notorious beast down
there, I was gonna find him. Now, I'm not sure if it was him, but as I past a couple of farms
I heard a bone chilling howl. My chest was thumping as my heart jumped to one side with
fear and the other side with excitement. I definitely had to investigate that clearing.

After we landed, I decided to give chomps a rest this hunt and found a nice comfy stable for
him. Silverpine has three basics beasts; wolves (or worgs as the natives call them), bears,
and spiders. Bears happen to be more abundant around Sepulcher and so I grabbed a
bucket of fish and tried my best at befriending one of these bears without losing my arm in
the process. It took a few times, but like the saying goes, the fastest way to a human's
heart is with a spear... err no i mean uhm...food or something. Anyhow bears like fish,
that's pretty much all there is with taming. Just show them that you have food, and you
don't want to skin them this time. One thing about animals you have to know is that they're
all different. Eh, I guess that sounded wiser in my head. What I mean is they have their
own way about doing things like attacking for instance. Now ol'chomps, like all crocs, is
really good at chompin. Bears on the other hand have smaller mouths and rather use there
massive paws to claw their target. A good hunter studies animals, both the ones he
attempts to kill, and the ones he tames. After studying enough animals you can learn how
to train them. Usually this involves pretending to be like an animal and showing your pet
how to attack a special way. Just don't do this around people cause they might get the
wrong idea if you know what I means.

So I spent a few days with this bear, learning how he tracks his prey, where he sleeps, what
type of dwarfs he likes to bite. After a while I had to start reminding myself that I wasn't a
bear. Then I knew that I had learn all there was to know about them. We journeyed
towards the farms to hunt down this dangerous wolf, and as we past the old bridge, I heard
the same bone chilling howl. Well I knew now was the moment we would find Gorefang.
First we tried to go directly to the source of the howl, but the woods were filled with too
many animals. We would be killing for days and not got one stitch closer to him. I decided
to navigate our way around the other side of the farms. It was a much longer path, but had
few obstacles so we made a lot of time. We stopped west of the farms as I began searching
for any sign of him. Another howl and his position on a hill was given away. That howl and
his bright white coat confirmed that the stories of the locals were true.

Now was the time to test out my new friend. I had him quietly move to the base of the hill,
just at the edge of my arrows range, and then he gave out his loudest growl just as I had
taught him. But the growl was too much, it had scared off Gorefang. Quickly I dashed to the
summit, and without aiming fired arrow after arrow at him, trying to get his attention. Like
a rat in a corner he turned around and charged toward me, knocking me to the ground. I
thought I was a goner until I saw that bear slam into him at full speed. It was a blur of fur,
I couldn't get a clean shot, and I had no way of telling who was winning. A loud crunch and
a whelp signaled the hunt was over, and my bear jogged back to me. He had saved my life
and killed me a legendary beast. I know an Orc isn't suppose to cry, but a few prideful tears
escaped me that day.
Krethis Shadowspinner

I was carving up the meat when I had found a pair of gloves in him. Looked like they
belonged to gypsies that are known to camp in these woods. I was about to head back
home when I heard a cry for help. My first thought was that it was another gypsy snack, but
gypsies don't typically throw glaciers at bears. It was a Forsaken mage that pissed off the
wrong bear. Without thinking I sent my pet in to help. Apparently this wasn't me brightest
idea, as I found out afterwards that guy thought he had pissed off two bears. After
everyone was safe, I offered him some fresh worg meat and he instantly started a campfire
the way mages always do. Y'know they think they're cool, but after you see one campfire
trick, you've seen them all.

Apparently he was in these woods searching for tin deposits and underestimated the wild
life here. He told me that I was in prime real estate for big game as many legendary
creatures live here. In fact he said we were only a stone's throw away from a vile spider
named Krethis Shadowspinner that has claimed a mine shaft for her offspring and he'd
appreciate it if I cleared it out so he could safely resume tin mining. I'm not much interested
in pest control, but hunting the matriarch sounded like a good way to end the night. I paid
him a stack of bandages for the information and soon parted for the mineshaft.

The directions to the mineshaft were perfect, and sure enough it was crawling with spiders.
There were so many that I couldn't tell which was their mother. Just like before, that's the
problem with spiders, they all look too much alike. No differing colors or patterns. I
wonder if they even have different fingerprints. I was beginning to think that I'd have to kill
them all to get to her. Then suddenly from under a tree she darted at us. Catching me off
guard she bit, making my blood burn. I and the bear quickly retreated for some much
needed first-aid. Not without first marking her to make her more obvious.

It took us several days, but we finally tracked her habits. While the spiders lived in the
mine shaft, they had to venture out for food. Feeding off of bunnies and whatever they
could catch in the near by thicket. Having spotted her crawl into a berry bush, I sent my
bear in after her. This time, my bear surprised me by chomping on one of her limbs to drag
her out into the open. I have to love a pet with that much smarts. It took a quiver of
arrows but she finally fell. However, on our way back to town, I noticed my bear didn't look
so well. Sadly he died a few days later, the poison in his blood being his end.

It wasn't after his death did I realize that I never made a name for him. I let the hunt and
glory get to the best of me. Now, every time I see a bear, I see him. I never thought of it
before, but I hope there's a bear heaven free of spiders and skinners.