TOEFL STUDY GROUP TOEFL Writing () Name Place Haruka KAWAKAMI Osaka Date Score (30) 7/20 15

Topic
In the future, students may have the choice of studying at home by using technology such as computer or television or of studying at traditional schools. Which would you prefer? Use specific reasons and specific details to explain your choice.

Essay While some people think that studying at home by using technology such as computer or television is better than studying at traditional schools. I prefer studying at traditional schools. There are three reasons: communication, well-balanced life and health. First of all, it is the most important thing for people to communicate with others. Certainly, it is comfortable to study at home and useful to use some technologies. However, if it were not for communication with people, when students grow up, they cannot get along with other people. Moreover, at traditional schools, teachers can communicate with the students; therefore, they can find what points they do understand or not. Thus, because communication is crucial, studying at the schools is much better. Second of all, a well-balanced life is important for human being. That means that studying at traditional schools can make students lead wellregulated lives. If they stay at home all day, they may have lunch irregularly or get up later. Therefore, they should take care of the wellbalanced life. Thirdly, it is healthier to go to school than to stay at home. It is important for students to take a rest and have meals regularly, and It is because at school students are faced forced to abide rules, and they cannot take a rest and have lunch. As a result, they study and eat in regulated time. Thus, they can keep their health.

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In conclusion, there are many ways to study or ideas because convenient technologies have been invented However, students should study at school because communication with teachers and other students, they balanced life

where to study and produced. they can have can live a well-

Comment
Hi Haruka! Your structure flows very well. In the paragraphs though make sure that you explain every idea you make very clear. Paragraphs do not have to be just three sentences. You write the first sentence very well, but sometimes have trouble explaining the idea in the paragraph. Make you spend time in fully explaining the arguments you make, not only just examples but simply by defining the idea.

Evaluation (Point) 30 Demonstrates clear competence in writing on both the rhetorical and syntactic levels, though the essay may have occasional errors. 25 Demonstrates competence in writing on both the rhetorical and syntactic levels, though the essay will probably have occasional errors. 20 Demonstrates minimal competence in writing on both the rhetorical and syntactic levels. 15 Demonstrates some developing competence in writing, but the essay remains flawed on either the rhetorical or syntactic level, or both. 10 Suggests incompetence in writing. 5 Demonstrates incompetence in writing. 1NR Did not write an essay. OFF Did not write on assigned topic.