Johns Invited Up REMINDER Parenting is built on learnable skills + (attitudes).

In fact, all relationships are built on learnable skills +(attitudes). The most important thing you can do as parents is to ensure the quality of your marriage. This is, without a doubt, the greatest gift you can give to your children!
We first make our habits, and then our habits make us. - John Dryden

Our parenting flows from our heart. It flows from our understanding of ourselves in relationship to God. We are going to take a look at what helps connect hearts and what prevents hearts from bonding. UNDERSTANDING JOY & SHAME 1. JOY: the sense that I belong and people are glad to be with me y This starts with GOD o The joy of the Lord is your strength (Neh 8:10) o y Do you have the sense that God is glad to be with you? And, that you belong?

PARENTS - is this the pervasive sense your children receive from you? o We can only share what we have. When we have the sense that God is glad to be with us then that will spill over into all our relationships. Powerfully into our parenting.  Attachment to God often reflects how we view our parents, (Dad) o I want you to think about something. Imagine that your children are 25. What do you prefer?  They choose to spend time with you out of duty & obligation?  Or, they choose to spend time with you because they enjoy your relationship? y You lay the foundation for that right now. y IT IS NEVER TOO LATE! To establish

2. SHAME (Anti-Joy): the sense that I dont belong, and that people arent glad to be with me. y Note: Communities (families) use shame based on their values. [We convey the sense we arent glad to be with you around certain behaviors and attitudes. This is necessary. Just choose those values thoughtfully. Straight As / Love is ] Shame by itself is not toxic. But, it becomes toxic when someone is left in a perpetual state of shame.

The way you complete the appropriate shame is by communicating BELONGING. THIS IS BEST DONE WITHIN 90 SECONDS. Only by Gods Spirit

We need to communicate to our children (and community): o I love you. You belong here. Im glad to be with you.
This is the HEART OF GOD. o Think of the TRINITY - I can imagine this is the sense that they communicate to one another.  How are we at communicating this as families? As parents?  How about as a community of believers. y This is the essence of a truly Christian community.

Every single one of us can participate in building this kind of community here on earth. That is the true church. One that says, You are welcome here. You belong here. You are loved.  Lets be that kind of community.

HOW TO BUILD JOY

1. Rejoice with those who rejoice (Romans 12:15) Have you ever thought about this verse in terms of your children? y It is crucial to connect with our children when they are excited about something. (Interest is the most powerful emotion) o Showing interest in another person is one of the most bonding experiences and emotions. Often, it is not a lot of work. It is more of an attitude shift.  Ex. Dora / Connect 4 / Legos / Sports / TV (I always appreciated it when my parents took an interest in me and my things; my friends, my music, etc)  The way we respond to them opens them up or shuts them down.

What do your kids like to do? Join them. o PUZZLES - I really dont like puzzles. Guess what? My kids like puzzles. (Movies / TV / Games) o Playing with the kids. That is probably Gods will and it will change the world.

Catch your kids doing good. Catch yourself doing good. o We all need all the encouragement we can get. Affirm progress, not perfection. o Tell stories when you did well. When your children did well. (It is so easy to complain). o Remember Phil 4:8 - Appreciate your children! Recognize them. (I remember overhearing my parents say good things about me to their friends. I was thinking, Im right here, why dont say it to me?)  What is the memory of your child that you dwell on?

Build positive interactions into your daily routine. o Hug & Kiss // I love you Brainstorm. With your kids. Make it fun.

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Engage in the five elements of emotion coaching.

Example: Lets say Zoe bothers Zachariah. After she breaks a lego structure he has been working on. 1. Be aware of a child's emotions (Aware). Often, we as parents need to become aware of our emotions. Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching (Opportunity). 1. Can you imagine emotions as a great way to connect with your child? Listen empathically and validate a child's feelings (Listen). 1. A few quality minutes of listening can go a long way. Can you tell me what happened? Label emotions in words a child can understand (Label). 1. Naming emotions help children calm themselves. SASHET Help a child come up with an appropriate way to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting issue or situation (Help). . This is key. We can teach and train our child how to solve problems. With emotion coaching you can integrate many different parenting styles and techniques. y GUT CHECK - Ok, how many parents might feel guilty? o Becoming aware is key to any kind of change. o The Good News - Gottman says you can be considered an Emotion Coaching parent if you do it  30-40% of the time. o You dont want to do this when you are in a hurry. o You can always come back later.  A key part of being a parent is Taking 100% responsibility for our behavior y We teach our children how to relate to and treat people. y More than what we say - they catch most of this from us. y Can you apologize to your children when you have failed? o Loppnows are thoughtful& kind. We are not rude. o Daddy, you are rude. We are forming children. Lets form children that look like their Father.

WEBINAR y There are 4 ways of responding to emotion. y God as emotion coach RESEARCH y are able to regulate their emotional states y are better at soothing themselves when they are upset y have better friendships with other children y can calm down their hearts faster after an upsetting incident y have fewer infectious illnesses y are better at focusing attention y

y y y y

are better in school situations that require academic performance are healthier
relate better to other people, even in tough situations like getting teased in middle school are better at understanding people

God as the best emotion coach o I realize that some may not know God as kind and firm. o I encourage you to get to know God for who he says he is.  Did you know that God is never rude? Where does your power come from? o Do you tend to focus on rules? Or, the fact that you are bigger or have more power? o Does it come from the relationship you have with your child? The heart to heart connection?

JESUS ALWAYS MAKES RELATIONSHIP BIGGER THAN OUR PROBLEMS Herestores to us relationship with Him. My prayer is that you daily sense God saying to you Im glad to be with you.

TOOLS & RESOURCES

1. Books: Loving Our Kids On Purpose (Silk); Parenting Is Heart Work (Turnansky); The Blessing (Smalley). 2. Websites: http://www.biblicalparenting.org [Free parenting tips by email] 3. Classes: M&F offers Parenting classes throughout the year, Raising Emotionally & Spiritually Intelligent Children. 4. Emotion Coaching Webinar (5/18, 9:30pm). RSVP P. John john@ynccla.org

* Shame is a socializing process necessary to build a family and community.

If someone is showing behaviors that are not beneficial to the community they need to feel that is not appropriate. Yet, if that lasts longer than a moment and they, especially children, are not brought back to a sense of Joy (glad to be with + you belong) then that kind
Generally speaking the sense of this kind of behavior is not acceptable is needed to form people, families and communites, yet it needs to be coupled with a teaching element (this isnt right, but this is and you can always find a way to learn and still belong to this family/community). The moment needs to be completed, if it is to be healthy, with a sense of affirmation of the person and the relationship. I love you and am glad you are a part of this family and are in relationship with me.

of perpetual shame is toxic and destructive.