AUTEURS

A Short By Patrick Kortkamp EXT. - BUS STOP, CITY STREET - DAY A young, sharply dressed, twenty-something year old man is waiting near bus stop. This man is JACK WOMACK. The bus arrives. He hops on. INT. - BUS - DAY He finds his way to his seat. As he sits down and the bus continues forward, he begins writing in a notepad, which happens to be his first screenplay. Cut to: Joe Haley. A young man making short music videos with local, shitty bands. He recieves a mere $20 for shooting the video. Cut back to. Jack arriving home His mother curses him for not having a job, not being in school, etc Jack sits down and watches THE EVIL DEAD in his bed room. He gets a phone call from Joe. JACK Talk to me? JOE Tiffany, man. JACK Uh?

JOE Tiffany. She's having a party tonight! Kegger, man. Do you realize how many people are going to be there? JACK Alright, alright, hold your taunt-tauns. I'll need a ride! JOE Got it covered, duder. Cut To: Joe pulling up in Jack's drive-way in a decked out X-Wing car. JACK You need to take this shit off. Joe points his finger as if to say something. But nothing comes out. JOE (Angrily) Get in. The X-Wing Car pulls up to the party. PARTYGOER Hey, the Star Fags showed up. JOE Fuck you. PARTYGOER #2 Make anymore movies in your basement?! ZING!!! Joe tries to leave but Jack grabs him by the collar. He points to the TV in the living room of the party. We don't see what's on the TV, but we can hear it. There is a drunk guy sitting on the couch laughing. JACK Evil Dead, man.

DRUNK GUY Uh? JOE Classic film. But not as good as the second one. JACK Or Army of Darkness. DRUNK GUY I thought this was Family Guy. JACK Look! (whispers) It's Tiffany. Tiffany walks through the room. Kind of scantily clad. TIFFANY Heeeey, if it ain't the two directors. JOE If it ain't the sauciest babe in town. JACK Y'know, I realized something. It seems like all my favorite directors started like us. JOE Oh yeah? How's that? JACK Look at Tarantino, man. No film school. Just a love for film. Look at Sam Raimi. Do you know how Evil Dead was funded? JOE Bakesale? JACK NO! They got dentists to invest. ANYBODY. The difference between us and them is we aren't doing shit.

JOE Well, what do you suggest, uh...getting drunks to invest? JACK You fucking genius, Joe. JOE I dunno, man. I doubt it would really work, I mean I was kidding... JACK Joe! I've got a script I've been working on for the past three months. Relatively low-budget! JOE Everything we do is "relatively low-budget". JACK Shut up, just....just watch this. Jack walks up to a drunk guy playing beer pong. The drunk guy stumbles onto the floor. JACK Excuse me, uh...sir? DRUNK GUY Yo. JACK My buddy and I are making a movie -DRUNK GUY MOVIE! HEY EVERYBODY!!! THESE GUYS ARE MAKING A MOVIE!!!!.....What kind of movie? JACK Uh.... JOE

A *big* one. DRUNK Right ooooon, broo. What, you want me to act or something? JOE Exactly. DRUNK Cool....coool, man. Do I get paid a lot? JOE No, but you will get laid a lot. DRUNK Prove it. JOE You will get laid trust me, Brad Pitt touched 20 pooters the day before he filmed Thelma and Louise, it was like the Pooter fun house with that guy. DRUNK Bullshit, you don't know Brad Pitt. JOE Oh yeah, he called me today telling me how crazy Angelina's pooter was. Drunk Guy looks amazed. His eyes widen. Then he sighs. DRUNK GUY Fuck it, I'll do it. Then he turns around to his buddies: DRUNK GUY Hey guys I just heard this crazy story about Angelina Jolies pooter!! Cut To:

INT. - JACK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Joe empties a jar full of cash onto the floor JOE Final count: $300 in donations. JACK That's plenty to make a movie. (laughs) ....Right? JOE Dude, I've got a decent camera! JACK Yeah? What about special effects? JOE Don Travolta! JACK John Travolta?! JOE Not John Travolta, Don Travolta! He's not nearly as smooth as John Travolta! But damn if the guy isn't creative. He's our effects wiz. Cut To: INT. - DON TRAVOLTA'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Joe and Jack are in the living room of Don Travolta, a dead beat stoner around their age. DON I can do just about anything on Microsoft Paint, man. JACK How are the effects shots coming along? You know, the ones I asked you to work out for us as examples? Don shows him a poorly made illustration of a train on Microsoft Paint.

JACK Huh. Cut To: Rail road. The filmmakers decide to shoot the scene with a real train. Jack, Joe, Don, and several actors hired from the party are filming on the set of a real railroad track. Joe readies the camera. It is a VHS Camera. JACK Decent camera my ass, ass hole!! One of the actors (Actor #1) is literally tied to the track. ACTOR #1 Uhh....this isn't what I meant when I said I wanted to be in movies, man! Actor #2 is standing next to Jack (who is directing). ACTOR #2 Ok, so after I shoot him, I say "You're Chef Boyardee Dead". Right? Awesome huh? JACK YEEEAAaaahhhhhh, not bad, uh...but I'd rather you say -ACTOR #2 Chef Boyardee Dead it is! JACK No. No, no, no, no, NO! I'm the director, asshole! ACTOR #2 I'M FUNDING YOUR MOVIE!

As the two argue, Joe turns to hear an oncoming train. He sees it get closer, but the two arguing boys don't notice.

ACTOR#1 (still tied to track) OH MY G--The train runs over him. The cast/crew just stare with their jaws dropped. Actor #2 walks up to the track. ACTOR #2 You're Chef Boyardee Dead. They all stare at him. ACTOR #2 We're not rolling anymore? They hear police sirens. JACK Who called the cops?!! They turn around and see Don putting away his cell phone, while he runs off into the distance. TWO FAT COPS show up. On bicycles. COP #1 POLICE! What's the situation? JACK Bikes. COP #1 What? JACK If you guys are cops....why don't you have cop cars? Cut to FLASHBACK: Cop at Police Station trying to fit into a cop car. COP

(grunts) I can't do this, get me a bike. Cut To The TRAIN in motion. Actor #2 is hanging on for dear life. His leg is severed. He notices some cargo with a destination on it: HOLLYWOOD CALIFORNIA. He smiles. ACTOR #2 Movie idea. END. ROLL CREDITS.