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LOST IN MY OWN SKIN

LOST IN MY OWN SKIN

Dyanne Brown

2005 by M. Dyanne Brown Printed in the United States of America

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means-electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other-without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Cover design: Marci Brown Book layout: Marci Brown

I would like to dedicate this book to everyone who believed in me: Mommy, Aunt Yvonne, Aaron, Tamika, John, Ashley, Darlene, and Mr. Levin. I like to pretend that I know everything, but you knew more about my potential than I did. Thank you for believing me!

TABLE OF CONTENTS
SECTION I: THE JOURNEY BEGINS SECTION II: INSIDE THE COCOON

In the Approach10 Not My Love12 Reflections of Me14 Would I Be Perfect if15 I See You17 Ugly18 Sister, Listen19 So Gone21 Step in My Room22 Addicted24 I Will Never Learn25 Consequences26 Used to27 Whats Wrong with Me?...28 Where Have all the Children Gone?...29 Optimism31 Lost in My Own Skin..32

Changing Fruit34 Contorted Realm35 Control Freak36 A Day to Remember38 Gods Gift40 I Feel You41 The Process42 Natural Mother43 See Eye 2 Eye44 Him45 Past You46 Is it Okay?...47 What is Your Race?...49 With a Kiss50 How You Got Me52 She Had to53 Runaway..55

Table of Contents continued Unseen Tears56 Too John57 Fear58 The Dark59 Loving Too Much60 Love Changes61 Celebrity62 MISsTER...63 Judgment Day64
SECTION III: THE METAMORPHOSIS

Pampering67 Irony68
Wintertime Wishes, Springtime Dreams69

Sobriety80 Love in the First Degree81 Untitled82 A Prayer83 Butterfly85

Flavor of the Month71


Somebody Put these Papers on My Desk72

Fallen Angel73 2005 Nursery Rhyme74 Depression75 My Heart76 What They were Never Told77 Trade the World for Two78

THE JOURNEY BEGINS

IN THE APPROACH I must have had low self-esteem on the day you approached me. What could I have been thinking? I actually responded when I caught you winking. I mean you were cute, but not really my type. You told me your whole life story and tried to sell me your hype. I bought that bootleg version of a dramady. Thinking back I really dont know what was wrong with me. Normally, I would turn on my heels and run the other way, but I guess you caught me on a feelin-ugly-kind-of-day. When you called me pretty and faked surprise, I lost all the knowledge that made me wise. I wanted to see myself through your eyes even if it was all lies. You sang your hard knock life chorus of emotional turmoil and tribulations. I overlooked them. Suffering from sexamus ignores and A mind clouded by sexual deprivation. I plead insanity for goodness sakes. Watching your tongue and wondering about the sensations you may be able to create. I told you about the man that stole my heart and ran like a thief. He tore me down, but I stayed like a fool until he disappeared in the night. You said, One Mans trash is another Mans Treasure. Then smiled a toothy grin like youd said something clever

but you showed your hand and the way you measure.

10

To metaphor me to trash shows my value in your mind, and woke me up to the waste of my time. One mans treasure can never be found So theres no point in me trying to stick around. If theres one thing I know is this jewel youll never find. You look perplexed and ask how do I know that? Youve told me in so many words that you are blind and this means that you cant even read the map.

11

NOT MY LOVE I must have a low metabolism for love I can taste it, but never fully indulge The weight is too much for my body I cant carry it While others can digest love and function normally My body takes love and turns it into something harmful Therefore, I diet I restrict love from my life I look at love from afar and know that its not for me I can dip my fingers in, but never fully plunge I have an allergy to true love It looks beautiful, but I cant get close enough It becomes my enemy Causing me more pain than happiness I thought you were the cure I thought I had finally found it But you were just another bud Beautiful from afar Up close I see your thorns My fingers bleed Bandaging up my needs to hide my heart of scars My wounds will heal, but the memories wont leave Infidelity cuts deep and lying stabs Painful, but not fatal My heart dies, but my body continues on It seems love will never be for me

12

I could take a pill and stay with you Or I can let you go and keep my natural mind And continue waiting for the cure Instead of holding on to something that was never mine For the sake of appearing happy

13

REFLECTIONS OF ME You are my reflection. All my insecurities I can't hide cause you feel them deep inside. Mirror Image of my goodness and Picture of my bad. Joyful just to know me but yet so sad. I can't help you through your problems because your problems are my own. I can't raise you until I've grown. I love you with all my heart but I really don't know where to start. You've shown me all that is wrong with me. All the things that I don't want to see but where do we go from there. What happens when the person you love tells you something you don't want to hear? Will you love me still? Will we work it out? What will our love be about once we work all of our problems out? Do I move on to the next mirror to find my reflection or will we continue to show each other the road to lasting affection?

14

WOULD I BE PERFECT IF I would be perfect if. My teeth were straight and white Like on those toothpaste commercials That everyone seems to like If they work well enough to chew my food Why should I change them even if I could? These the memories of my childhood accidentals Would be lost with the painful twisting of metals Would my teeth uniform, white, and soldier straight Get me more money and probably more dates? Probably so but why should I wait Shit, my personality is already great Now youre trying to tell me I need to lose some weight If I was a size two How would that affect you? If I gave up my pasta, breads and my steak And started eating food that taste like its fake Styrofoam lunch and a cardboard dinner In your mind would that make me a winner? If I was starving and feeling real weary Just to fit in with your mindless theory Would that make you feel better about being near me? Well well just have to agree to disagree What if I have a baby and my belly gets round Are you going be on watch for my weight to go down? Aww hell man, just end it now I dont need no one like that hanging around I like to eat all of my food including the meat I can say that I will at least compromise I will workout. Ill try to exercise, but Im not making no guarantees Well just see how it works out buddy So youre next request is the size of my breast Well, isnt that just the best? Now you sound like all the rest Brother, you are just shooting in all directions Just tearing me down section by section I think that those are fine and you should too I mean cmon what do you want me to do Add some silicone and become a double-D Walking around like chocolate chip Barbie What are you crazy? Cant you see that Ive got just enough for my body? I might even be nice and share a cup or two with you

15

Now youre losing it you want to talk about my hair To a black woman, boy dont you dare I need to walk away because I swear Youre stepping in territory that is rare To survive when you attack my nappy naps Whether it tied up with wraps Straight down lying on my shoulder Pinned up with some type of holder Braided down to my knees Somebody elses tracked to my weave Red, brown, black or blond Shirley temple curls created with rods A genie ponytail or one full of curls Looking exactly like some other girls Its still my hair and I wear it as I please Whether its hot pressed straight or growin peas You should be in fear I thought your Momma taught you better than to go there. Now youve insulted me in every type of way Tellin me everything I am gives the wrong display If I could just make a few little alterations I could be one of your greatest temptations But while your aspiration is what you call my perfection It hasnt seemed to affect your erection I do not have to meet your standard of beauty Thats not my purpose and not my duty Your job is to love me for everything I am today Or youll watch my love just fade awayone day.

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I SEE YOU I see love in your eyes. I can feel it when you look at me. Its so intense that I have to look away. If I stare too hard it sets my heart afire and leaves me to burn. I see love in your actions. I can feel it when you hold me. If I stay too long I get lost and cant find my way out. I may have to stay forever. I see love in your smile I can feel it when you laugh from the depth of your soul. It rises and claps like thunder. Bolts of Lightening race through my blood And light the nerves in my mind. I see love in your stability. I can feel that youre trustworthy. You are evolving in front of my eyes Learning to be better and be the man I need. I see love in the gold band on your finger. I can feel it when your hand is in mine. You honor me when it shines in the light. You respect me and love me as your wife. I see love in the eyes of our child. I can feel it when she hugs me tight. You adore her and she adores you And I adore watching you tuck her in at night. I can see love in my life. I can feel it in so many ways. I know that Ill have it forever. As long as I have you to show me love Each and every day.

17

UGLY How can something so beautiful be so ugly inside? How can something so pleasing to the eye be so detrimental to the mind. I ask myself those questions when I think of you Oh, the beauty you possess made me think that I could find my lifes happiness. I realized that like leaves hide the roses sharpened thorns, there was something your beauty was trying to hide. Blood runs from the wound that you created with your words Chocolate skin distracts from the heart full of scorn I spoke, but my words were never heard because your brain just replayed past loves gone by You never listened to my honesty, just sampled the lies Lumped me in and made me one of them. Killed our chances before we even begin. All this time I thought your smile was genuine, but the truth is your toothy grin was your inner lion laying in wait. I am your prey You are all prepared; my failure is inevitable.

18

SISTER LISTEN Hey sister! Sister, have a seat Let me talk to you a minute While you rest your feet. The things you are doing are hurting me. I know you can't see it so I'm going to help you see When you walk down the street with your ass hanging out and tits all exposed men treat you like a piece of meat. When you leave every man I meet on that same street expects the same of me. When you meet a man and make him yours without ever having a date. When you buy his clothes, take him on vacation, and move him into your place. You lower the bar for the other women who have some expectations. When you open up to him and help to populate the nation. You take away from the sistas who feel the same sensation, but hold off on having children without some serious consideration. Don't you see what you are doing to us when you don't ask any questions? Put his ass back on the bus and yell out some suggestions. Get a job, buy a car, and be a man. Treat you like the woman that you are. Don't let no man lower all of our worth by giving him your heart Youre getting nothing in return, but the option to rent his body part.

19

SO GONE There's a guy Hmmhmmm Six feet tall Brown skin Dimples and all But he doesn't want me And I don't know why It's driving me crazy Because I like this guy I've never had this problem before Any guy I wanted as soon as I said something He said sure What makes him so special I can't pinpoint Is it because he doesn't want me That I'm feeling annoyed Do I really like him Or is it the chase But something jumps in my stomach When I look at his face It is not fair This is some cruel joke Because with every word he says I'm searching for some hope I try to tell myself that it will never be But there is something deep inside This voice that says he will be with me

20

So I continue on every single day To act like I don't like him Damn these are grade school games Maybe I'll meet someone tomorrow Then I won't feel the same And I can move on Because if he doesn't want me It's his lost I'm so gone

21

STEP IN MY ROOM It's dark The creek of the knob turning And the click releasing the lock from it's cave The weight of your body pressed against the door As you step into my room I can hear you breathing Deep inhales slow exhales Your eyes adjust to the dark Searching the room until You find my body drenched in candlelight My aroma fills the room As anticipation makes the rain between my thighs Fall down upon the sheets sticky sweet You move like a cat Stalking your prey I purrummmm as I wait Slowly you move towards me I feel the pressure on the bed as your body meets mine Your lips brush mine lightly I lick my lips to taste your sweet chocolate kisses You plunge in passionately Your tongue searching For the deep feeling where your head starts spinning And you feel yourself plunging deep into an abyss I feel you growing to greet me In my welcome spot Your warmth touches my warmth And together we are HOT I know you want to taste me

22

As your tongue goes on a journey On my mountaintops you linger Loving the land with your tongue and your fingers Your trip continues on to my caverns When you reach my valley You dive in with no fear Licking and sucking and tasting and touching and moving until you hear Exactly what you want to hear Moan..gasp..moan..SCREAM You've conquered the valley and surveyed the land Now it's time to plant your flag Face to face your eyes meet mine You come inside And we move at the same time The song that we dance to we've heard once before But now we are adding another score The dance moves are changing Face to face side to side me in the air you on my back We can hold it no longer The end is near The song is almost over We meet on the last note and hold it together And try to hold on to that feeling And make it last forever

23

ADDICTED Chocolate skin You tease me Peeking out from clothes Hide no longer as you step into my room Chocolate skin So tempting to me I've dreamed about how it must feel Let me introduce you to my womb Let me lick you Will you melt in my mouth? Or can you hold out? Ebony black stick of night Know just how to use it right Mounting love and riding it out Fingers that reach down into my soul Fill me up and make me whole Pink sweetness swole From the ecstasy created in the hole Chocolate skin between my thighs Making my body writhe The breath catches in my chest The bed sheets soaked with sweat Your creamy center spills And I know now and again I'm addicted to your chocolate skin

24

I WILL NEVER LEARN Called me on the phone again told me that you were going to meet a friend. Youll be out all night. It just dont feel right. Im tired of spending my nights alone. Youre hanging out and you wont answer your cell phone. You should be home. I will never learn. My heart is worth so much more. I will never show you that you hurt me each time you walk out the door. One day I will know how real love can be. Right now Im hoping and wishing hat I could have you here with me. All day you sleep while I work hard to take care of the family while you destroy my heart Cant you see what your doing is tearing me apart? My friends told me and I knew it from the start that youre no good for me. I cant turn my back and walk away Youre hurting me, but I wont open up my mouth and say My heart is worth so much more I will never show you that you hurt me each time you walk out the door I will never show you that you hurt me each time you walk out the door. One day I will know how real love can be. Right now Im hoping and wishing hat I could have you here with me.

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CONSEQUENCES Damn. I wanted you so bad. I wasn't thinking straight. I let my guard down. Maybe it was those dark eyes staring into mine. Those strong arms pressing me against your chest Or those long passionate kisses that made me melt. I invited you in and led you up to my room. The voices in my head were telling me to wait but the heat down below wouldn't let me think. Your hands attentive and warm Caressing me into submission. I lay with you when I knew I wasn't ready, but I wanted so badly to create the fantasy. Visions of long walks and nights of talking. Time together that we haven't even spent As we shared an intimate connection I noticed you didn't use protection You stepped inside of me and invaded my soul. Bringing with you the baggage of former lovers. At the climax I wondered what I had just received Did you just change my future or put it to an end? For a moment of affection, it's not worth the worry You never called again. Now what do I do?

26

USED TO I used to love the way he touched me, how he held me, the look in his eyes as we danced, and the way I lost myself in his kiss. I used to love to trace his features with my fingertips while watching him sleep. To share his excitement about something new, or to spend the day lying on his chest watching TV I used to love Holding his hand, Knowing his ways, Predicting his reaction. I used to love Loving him and allowing him to love me. But he doesn't love me anymore I don't know if I'll ever love anyone the way I used to love.

27

WHATS WRONG WITH ME? Whats wrong with me? Okay, so Im not the idealized vision of beauty. The homemade imitation of whats seen on the television screen. Do you really want a rump-shaking, half-naked, temptress, or a regal, black princess ready to be your African Queen? Do you want a woman who is refined and raised to carry herself properly, Or a woman whose dress and manner border on obscene? I am the chocolate lovers dream. Dripping down my arms and legs and everywhere in between. Turning your simple addiction Into an obsessive fiend. Ill show you things youve never seen if you know what I mean. So do a double take. Drink me in with your eyes and during the night as you lay awake. Its about me youll fantasize as your body writhes. For heavens sake. When will you realize that its not how wide my hips are, or the circumference of my thighs. The flatness of my stomach or my waist size thats got you mesmerized. Its the music in my laughter, a lick that wets my lips, fingers through my hair, the soft touch of my fingertips. The beat of my heart as you lay on my chest. If my love were night, then I would be your total eclipse. I refuse to tell you the rest just listen as the heart rips One day youll know you had the best and youll have to come to grips That you failed the test when you left to chase an image that Ill never fit

28

WHERE HAVE THE CHILDREN GONE? Empty swings over a ripped rubber mat blowing in the wind. No dirt footprints on the cold metal slide. No legs hanging from the multi-colored jungle gym. No castles in the sand box. Streets are quiet of hide and go seek, Tag, the skip of the rope as it hits the concrete. No rattle of hula-hoops on budding hips. The bottle caps are void of tar. Broken pieces of brick wont be chalk for hopscotch. Milk crates arent cut to make street basketball hoops. Football games in the street have ceased. Girls arent giggling and boys arent ignoring. Fashion Dolls wont get married and move to a dream house. GI Dolls wont fight among fixed green army men. Robots wont battle. X-Men wont protect human life. He-Man is not a Master of the Universe. No one to say, Hey, hey, hey. There is no Junkyard Gang and Picture Page has gone away. Someone stole their innocence and Has taken their laughter like a thief. Given them grown up thoughts, Grown up actions and grown up beliefs. Shown them no respect then turned them out into the street with no information. Sent them to strangers to gain love and attention.

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Instead of knowledge, given games that starve their thirsty minds, Fill their bellies with poisonous fatty foods and sweets. Deprived them of nourishment and parents that arent home or who arent yet adults. TV that makes them promiscuous and precocious. Loading them with dreams of fast cars and fast money turning them into fast girls and eager boys. Grandeur instead of modesty. Quick tricks instead of hard work. Cheaters instead of honesty. The children are gone and the future is vague.

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OPTIMISM I am walking in the dark but I am not afraid because I know that light will shine again. I have strayed from the path but I am not worried because I know I will find my way. I am not rich but I am not dismayed because I know I'll never be poor. I don't have a lot but I am not bitter because I know someday I'll have more. I have a lot to accomplish, but I am not impatient because I know time is on my side. I was once in love now it's over but I am not regretful, because I know I will love once more. I have to believe that good is in store because I know I deserve it.

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LOST IN MY OWN SKIN I dont know myself anymore. I know my name belongs to me, but its as if its just a label on a jar. Does Jelly know that its Jelly or does it still think its Jam? The label changed, but the contents are the same. The person I used to be is gone. The person that I am is undefined. Have I really changed or do I think I have, because of others perceptions of me? I used to be so strong in my resolve. I used to tell people who I was and not the other way around. Life cracked my shell, tore me down and glued me back together. Not all the cracks were sealed. My insides are exposed and I wear my vulnerability on my sleeve. I keep expecting someone to really see me, but they see what they want I need to find myself. My name is more than just a label. Its my billboard and I have to put up my own lights. Its my advertisement, but I need to figure out what my product is. I should be able to tell them what I stand for. I have to sell myself. No matter what label they place on me Im the same person inside. And thats what will be enjoyed no matter what the name.

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INSIDE THE COCOON

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CHANGING FRUIT Seven years ago from this very day, I was a piece of fruit on the tree. Still pink, not ripe enough to nourish, but pretty enough to eat. You watched me until my skin turned bright and my insides juicy sweet. You picked me, but still you did not eat You put me in your pocket while you tasted other fruits You savored their sour, spicy, and salty flavors while keeping my own sugary essence in the dark You would nibble from time to time leaving me exposed. My vulnerability spoiling, rotten working its way to the core, bitterness replacing the saccharine. One day you finally decided to eat but what you bit is not the fruit you picked. It has changed. In the time that you spent tasting other fruits, I was left to spoil and wither away with time.

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CONTORTED REALM Last night, I went to sleep the world seemed perfect and I was happy. This morning I woke up in this alternate world and I am afraid. In this world everything I believed to be true is merely a lie. Every illusion dissolves to show its hidden ugliness. And now I must decide if I will continue to hold on to the mirage or try to get my mind to understand the reality. In this alternate world all the mirrors are distorted. The image of me that I thought I would see is not what reflects. At times, I don't even recognize the face that stares back. In this world in a room of a hundred people I can feel like nothing, but in the presence of one I can feel like everything. Pain is ten times worse than it's ever been. It doesn't go away, it just aches silently in my heart. Everything's tough. No one has to help you when you fall. When I went to sleep last night, I was a child. I woke up this morning in this painful world of adult.

35

CONTROL FREAK See, this is why I cant let go. This is why I refuse to give you control. These tears sliding down my cheek are the fruition of the emotional roller coaster. When I allow you I am vulnerable naked with my soul shivering in the cold I dont like that feeling But I try to trust you. To show you how much I care Then you dont... I feel rejected as if I what I offered to you was turned away. As if I was told to get dressed and leave. That hurts. Then you act I feel unimportant as if my feelings mean nothing. I feel unloved, unworthy, Then I am angry.

36

I feel unprotected. I put up my shield lash out with my poisonous tongue. When love pushes me into a corner I fight my way out and dont feel the wounds until later. Then you leave. At first I feel relieved. I dont have to worry about the pain any longer. I have won and lost at the same time because Im in control. I feel sad, because once again, Im alone

37

A DAY TO REMEMBER Flashbacks of a dark sky Ash falling like dark snowflakes to the ground Shocked bodies covered in soot move about like zombies Twisted steel beams Seared metal It feels like everything is moving is slow motion Looks like a scene in a bad movie Not like a New York street Tears like rain drops I felt my heart stop I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing And a year to the day I can't believe it happened As the anniversary is approaching My pulse quickens Sweat on my brow Stress tightens my chest Scared to see it again Afraid to leave my home Just leave my family alone Stop your threats We're stronger than you truly know We proved that in the aftermath We picked up the pieces Day by Day We cleaned up Ground Zero We wept and held hands Surrounding our country with support

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Candlelight vigils And memorial ceremonies Bring us together in masses We prayed A resounding voice rising to the heavens and God wept for his children His tears washed the soot from the streets And restored our Faith in this World Gave America knew meaning The Land of the Free And the Home of the Brave The stars and stripes meant something new I could stand with my hand over my heart And sing the anthem with everything in my soul This is my country And nothing will change that But I will never forget the day That forever changed me

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GODS GIFT I step in your footprints to protect my feet from the cold. I look for your handprints to tell me when to hold on and when to let go. Ill ask what you think, to learn what you know. Ill measure myself against you as I start to grow. You are my mirror of truth when I dont want to see. You are my reflection of the best and worst of me. You are a window to the inside, to see in my heart. Youve been my security right from the start. You knew me before I knew myself and still you loved everything else. When I was thirsty for knowledge you gave me a drink and when I tried not to use it you got me to think. You never let me off the hook when I could do more. When opportunity knocked you showed me the door. You pushed me when I said I was too tired. You calmed me down when my body was wired. You refused to let emotion rule my decisions. You saw past my shortcomings to my inner visions. You never asked for anything in return. Didnt extinguish my fire, instead you helped it to burn. You are more than I thought Id be lucky to know and I just needed to tell you so.

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I FEEL YOU I try to focus, but the darkness My eyes will not see But it doesn't matter Because I feel you all around me All over me Touching me Knowing me Your breath a sweet soft breeze across my face I know you as you know me Understanding exactly what I need to take me where I need to be Where you will join me Where darkness meets light Where the sun rises from the earth to kiss the clouds Where reality greets fantasy and the dream takes over I can't see you But I feel your hands fingers each fingertip arms legs mouth tongue Searching me Learning me while teaching me how to feel I allow you to guide me blindly At times I am afraid, but I know you will not hurt me Then you join me I feel things I never knew I could Together we soar through the infinite sky into the light I can see you But I shut my eyes to remain blind trusting Because I can feel you Your hand in mine and I know you will not let me go I never have to fall

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THE PROCESS Sometimes the words don't rhyme. They won't fit on the paper the way they fit in my mind. Sometimes when I'm searching for that one word to perfectly describe it escapes my thoughts forcing me to seek and find. Journeying to a new level to find a word that better fits my mood. These words don't always get my point across. And I think you don't see me, feel me, hear me, that you can't be me. That's the purpose of a poem, to temporarily let you invade my thoughts, to let you borrow my life if only for a moment, to briefly bare my soul for scrutiny, but please don't criticize. Just look through my eyes and if my poem is good enough the words join like pieces of a puzzle. Creating my vision for you to glimpse, Maybe you will finally see what I'm trying to say.

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NATURAL MOTHER When she smiles, the world smiles with her that's why happiness she grasps tightly in her hand. When she's sad, the sky cries for her flooding the oceans and the seas. When she is angry, there is fire burning tree after tree and house after house leaving only blackness in her footsteps. What she wants, they give. What she gives, they take. When she asks, they answer. When she hurts, they ache. She is sunshine and moonlight. She is the grass, the water, the air. She blows through the leaves and whistles by your window. Her teardrops make everything grow. She is everything and when she smiles the world is alright.

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SEE EYE 2 EYE I can't understand what it means to be a black man. To not be able to have your own without someone else trying to take it. To not be able to have your pride without someone else trying to break it. To have your spirit everyday taken. Never have enough money no matter how much you're makin. Never able to say what you feel. Can't show your feelings, cause you've got to keep it real. The only emotion that you allowed to show is the anger that choose to bestow on me when I don't deserve it. I can't understand what it means to be a black man, but you don't understand what it means to be a black woman To not be able to have your own without someone else trying to take it To not be able to have your pride without someone else trying to break it To have your spirit everyday taken. To have your faith forsaken. Never able to say what you feel. Just told to shut up and cook a meal. Even if you're never shown appreciation still expected to show dedication The harder you love the less they do, only to find out he's been untrue Love turns to hate and hate to bitterness. Never to receive a moments rest. Do you understand?

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HIM With just a loving touch of his hand. A tingle never felt before is sent shuddering through my body. As I gaze into his soft brown eyes they tell a love story lasting for infinity I feel his warm body against mine. Bullets of pleasure shoot through my essence. I love him forever and always for we share one special night and he will always be my first. I feel him moving inside me comfortable in my warmth. Thriving together and when all is over he lay on my chest. I look down on him and I see love for he is my son.

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PAST YOU Your strong arms make me feel secure To look into your eyes and see love I've never known this before To love the good traits To even cherish the bad You'd do anything for me Except open your heart We shared that fear in silence We could talk for hours about everything but us And so love wasn't strong enough to keep us together And you've moved on to someone new To give her less than you could offer me When we never finished Every time I try to take the next step To look into the new eyes of love I can't see past you

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IS IT OKAY? Is it okay to be this happy? Do I have the right? When I look around at all the things happening inside and outside of my life I wonder if Im allowed to smile, but when I think of you I cant stop myself. It starts at the corner of my lips pulling them wide and before I know it Im in full grin, but then I wonder again if someone will feel chagrin. Misery loves company. Will they try to rain on me? Will they drag me down to the depths of their depression, so that I will in turn starve my love of affection? I will lose my sunshine and be in the dark too. Should I hide how I feel about you? I try to pull my lips tight, but a vision of your face forces me to put up a fight and my teeth again burst through thinking about the things we do when we do what we do and I feel so true. In my heart its the beginning of something real and you dont ask me to explain how I feel because you feel it as well and even though each day can feel like hell I go home each night to my little piece of heaven. My soft place to fall and in your arms, I land. You love me the way a woman is supposed to be loved by a man.

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If loving you is wrong then I dont want to be right. The days arent as long as we make the night. Each morning I wake to know you are my fate and who cares if it is acceptable to those around, because theyll know how I feel when their love is finally found

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WHAT IS YOUR RACE? What is your race? The finish line is far away, but you run and you run each day. You say white, the color of the tape that ends the race and signifies the winner. You have a head start, but it doesnt mean a thing You are just running ahead of me. You say Black, the color of the street that we run on. You start in second place, but are slated for defeat. Without the street the race would not be run. You must rise above and overcome the limitations belief. You say Hispanic, the color of the sand For feet that step in sand surely sink, so the race you cannot expect to win You start in third place, but without the sand we could not build the street And there would not be a race. Know your importance and understand that you have the same chance as every man. There are other races running beside you, but yet you think you are right. Everyone is running faster heading towards the white. We may past you one day, but for right now we are content to run beside. We know one day youll fall way when its proven that you have lied. The tape thats at the finish line has no color or no hue. In fact there is no finish line, were just running because of you.

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WITH A KISS (Dedicated to the Washingtons) With a kiss You rearranged my life. Turned me upside down, made me feel things I didnt know I could, lifted my feet up off the ground. My heart flipped, the words slipped, as I dipped into the pool of love. It rains down over me like a waterfall. Washing away my insecurities and making me feel brand new. Filling my mind until I cant think of anything but being with you. One kiss turned me inside out. Changed what I thought life was all about. Priorities shifted Things and people were replaced. I became a we, Me became an us. Bad memories were erased, You rewrote my history and wiped my slate clean, before you came along is all just a bad dream. Happiness greets me each day and puts me to bed at night. For once in my life I know things will be all right.

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Minutes, I savor and days, I treasure. Years, is what we will have together. I stand here today and give you my forever, Slip the ring on my finger, Lift my veil, and remember this That our love started and is sustained With a kiss.

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HOW YOU GOT ME Boy, you got me trippin Got me feelin like Im slippin Got me rushin to turn my computer on, When I get to work first thing in the morn The things thats most crazy Is how long my days be If I dont get to talk to you And share a couple laughs or a few Got me smilin at something you said Got me replayin your words inside my head Got me watchin TV a different way Picturin something you might say Got me refreshin pages And hawkin IMs Got me talking bout you to my friends Sendin pictures to hear you call me pretty Got me ready to visit a different city Got me thinking things I never thought I could Got me saying things I didnt think I would Got me feeling like Im out on a limb Got my heart so full of my special friend Got me being nice to everyone Got me enjoying life and having fun Got me without even a meeting Got me with a simple greeting How you got me? We already know You had me when You said hello

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SHE HAD TO She had hopes and dreams She had parts no one has ever seen She had things she wanted to be She tucked them all away Because she had to She had every reason to give up She had to go alone its tough She had a life that was so rough She looked forward to another day Because she had to She had feelings deep inside She had nights when she cried She had nowhere that she could hide She found another way Because she had to She had to give up on her heart She had to play things very smart She had to end it all and restart She had things she didnt want to face She did because she had to She had to give when she was in need She had the drive to succeed She had no one else to believe She had to not care what they may say Because she had to

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She had to feel defeat She had to endure deceit She had to keep her children out the street And you ask why did she stay Because she had to She had to live in her skin She had to believe that she would win She had to survive without a friend And she knew she would make it someday Because she had to

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RUNAWAY Do you even know where you are going? Can you tell me what are you running from? You show up at my door Tears streaming from your eyes The breath stolen from your lungs Pain all over your face Telling me someone hurt you Telling me they would not listen to your pain Broke your heart Tore out your spirit and bruised your soul You were so angry you couldn't see straight You're looking for me to rescue you I can merely shield you for a moment This battle you must fight alone You have to learn how to stand on your own You must understand your own power You have the ability You have the courage You have the heart And no matter what they do They can't take that away You never have to run again

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UNSEEN TEARS She told me you cried and I almost didn't believe her. I never knew you could. I know you have two eyes with the ability to produce rain but I thought they never would. like barren desert For years I watched you waiting for it to fall, but it never came and I remained parched thirsty for some sign of love. I waited for so long that I forgot what I wanted. I tried to cope to live life without it. Then she told me you cried and even though it wasn't for me I was grateful just to feel the moisture on my skin. It doesn't matter who or what the rain falls for. It nourishes all it touches and with each caress there is growth.

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TOO JOHN It wasn't that I didn't love you; it was that I loved you too much But then you knew that, that's why you stayed away. We were both afraid of what could be and too afraid to change what was. It wasn't that I couldn't be your friend, but that you wouldn't allow me to be. You created a distorted picture of friendship and I allowed you to think it was okay. I created a fantasy surrounding you. Seeing you how I wanted you to look. Seeing us how I wanted us to look. When in reality you were you and I was just someone. It wasn't that I wasn't strong enough, but that I was too capable. Capable of being in love, but never allowing myself to love. Capable of feeling, but never wanting to feel. It wasn't that I wanted to be your life, but that I wanted to be included. The idea had so long been unfathomable that when it presented itself I dismissed it as a mirage. It wasn't just that I loved you too much, but that I never learned how to love believing that the only way to love was up close or at a distance. That to love a man was to offer your body for use and to open your heart only leads to pain. He will leave. Now we are strangers and the story I created is reality.

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FEAR I dont know when I became so fearful. Its always been there in small doses, but over time it has grown, and now it flows through my blood as if injected. Its not enough fear to permanently paralyze me its just enough to stun. A temporary paralysis that keeps me suspended. Im hanging on a web between my future and my present. I cant move forward because of fear. Im afraid to succeed and afraid to fail. If I succeed, then I will be forced to grow and I will have to change. Expectations will change and I will be forced to live up to them. If I fail, then I will be forced to face my own inadequacies. I will have to believe the voices inside me that tell me I cant do it. If I stay stunned on the web then I wont have to deal with either reality. Instead, I have to constantly worry about what is going to come down the web and force me to change against my will. The choices that arent being made are not avoided, just deferred. I choose to use my own strength to defeat the paralysis. I will not bow to fear instead I will use it to push me to my future, and realize that change and fear go hand in hand. Fear is the indicator of change And change is good.

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THE DARK The flame dances through the darkness sensually It illuminates small sections of your sexy caramel skin Just enough to invoke hunger in my soul My body is hot all over wanting you I move my finger blindly Until I feel the warmth of your delicate skin You flinch in response to the electricity coursing from my body to yours I can smell your scent screaming beckoning me to continue my exploration With my lips I trace from the top of your forehead down the bridge of your nose over your lips across your chin descending your neck tracing your collarbone roaming across your chest appreciating each nipple voyaging down your stomach to the place that makes you tremble the spot that makes you close your eyes and writhe with ecstasy And there I stay until you explode I retrace my excursion back to your lips Where I kiss you so deep my head is spinning I feel dizzy lost in your love I press my body to yours and join you I listen to each breath moan and whisper to learn you I love you and love you Wanting to find a way to somehow caress your soul with my fingertips Wanting to hold you forever Wanting to penetrate all the pain and open your heart And then my body erupts and I can hold my love no longer The dance is over, but we can still hear the music You kiss me than place your lips next to my ear And whisper that you love me to the deepest regions of your heart Even in the dark

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LOVING TOO MUCH You ask me how I really feel about you. It is as if the words I've longed to say suddenly become a foreign tongue. I cannot get them to spill from my mind out of my lips into your ears. You ask me to tell you the truth as if all we've been up until now was a lie. Our friendship is true even though secretly I imagine what it would feel like to kiss your lips make love to your body mind and heart You ask what I want from you I want nothing more than for my love to be the answer to your every question the solution to your every problem the fulfillment of your every need If only you knew the pain I feel not being able to see in your eyes what you've ignored gleaming in my eyes as they gaze upon you you ask me what I need I need for once in my life to feel like I'm enough

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LOVE CHANGES There is light where darkness once reigned. There is now clarity where confusion once plagued. There is silence where there was once noise. Where there was once sadness now lives joy. There is forgiveness for what I could not forget. There is no longer pain since the day we met. There are memories where there once were none. There are two when before there was only one. There is security I don't have to be alone. There is a reason to rush home. There are so many things you have changed in my life. The day you became a man and I became your wife.

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CELEBRITY (MAXWELL) Your voice fills the entire room soothing me in my time of need. Your voice is like a taste of heaven in world that's a touch of hell, Through your songs you tell me I 'm not alone. You let me know that you have been through it too. You say it's okay to cry so I let the tears fall. The music surrounds my body like arms and you hold me until my tears are gone. You are the last thing I hear before closing my eyes You love me and you always will You tell me that I 'm perfect, make me believe that I'm beautiful and that you will never love anyone else more. You confess things other people are afraid to say, but I need to hear. When I thought the world could do without me you respond that I can get through it. Your words build hope that someday love will be mine. I play your song to get me through another day and even though I don't know you I love you for sharing a part of your heart with me.

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MISsTER I miss you sometimes when I feel I don't matter and the world seems too huge to be affected by my existence I look for you to listen to me as if my words are the most important words ever spoken When I feel I am so sad it seems as if everything that can go wrong has I look to you to say something funny that makes me laugh so hard the ache leaves my heart When I feel that I am all alone The room becomes too silent for even my thoughts to permeate I look to you to shatter the stillness with your radiant aura When I am afraid to love It feels that my heart has experienced all the pain it can handle I look to you to remind me that my heart still has the ability When I feel I can't do it Like no matter what I try failure is my future I look to you to motivate me with your optimism and faith When I miss you most I dial your phone and hope to hear your voice I look to see your face behind my door Things are different and all I have are my memories Even though I try not to but it's sometimes I just miss you

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JUDGMENT DAY Inspired by Karene So here I lay. I never thought when I woke this morning that I would end up this way But in just a matter of minutes my life is slipping away. I float into the courtroom prepared to defend my right To present my case why I should finish my life. The Lord sits before me gavel in hand Ready to listen, waiting to understand. I'm surrounded on all sides by friends and family those who have gone before me I feel them internally. One crack of the gavel sends a boom of thunder and a flash of lightning. Fear rushes through me; I can feel my chest tightening. The words escape me and it's my time to speak. As I search desperately I began to feel weak. Then the Lord calms me tells me to take the time that I need, because man and the Lord don't work at the same speed. I speak slowly letting the words flow from my heart Telling about all of my projects I never got to start. All of the people I want to help. All of the things I need to do for myself. I wanted a family and to be in love and everything that I could possibly think of. When I was finished I was in tears then I shared with Him all of my fears. He said to me "Your time on earth is truly a blessing, but you must be open to learning the lesson. There are many things that are planned for you. They can't happen unless you do what I ask of you."

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As He was about to render his decision a light shined so bright it blinded my vision. I woke up with my family praying around me. The most beautiful sight I was glad I could see. I know in my heart that there's a lot of work ahead, but I thank God each morning I can get out of the bed.

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THE METAMORPHOSIS

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PAMPERING What do I do to pamper the one I love? I draw her a bath of bubbles. Scented candles illuminate the darkness Casting shadows upon her body as she relaxes in the warmth of love. I massage the muscles that ache. Push upon the days stress and Work away all her pain. I make her favorite meal so that she can close her eyes as she savors the tastes that her palate favors. Her mind soars to heaven enjoying the cuisine she adores. I turn on soothing sounds And I let the peaceful sound lull her. I lay her down in a bed of welcome. I adore her, I want her, I love her, I make this women feel like the world revolves around her. I pamper her. To let her know I understand her daily struggle and that I am with her Through each struggle and adversity, because I am her and she is me And we are all I need.

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IRONY While Im envying you, you are jealous of me. Im thinking how great things are for you. You are wishing for my life. Isnt that ironic?

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WINTERTIME WISHES, SPRINGTIME DREAMS I swear I felt like if I woke up to another gray day Another wish-I-could-go-out-and-play day Dreary bones weary Eyes teary Biting cold and cutting wind Threatening snow Looming rain clouds Horizon resembling a black and white film So filled with misery Depressed So stressed Just rest Hibernate til a sunny day arrives And makes you suddenly feel alive The world is kissed by the enticing lips of spring Rays fill the sky What was once colorless is now crayoned in Blue sky Yellow sun Green grass Formerly barren branches are painted with beautiful leaves and flowers The once upright branches arch like ballerinas And each time the wind blows a graceful performance commences Flowers awaken from their slumber Yawning and stretching Thirstily drinking in life The world is filled with activity Busy bees and singing birds Hardworking ants oxygenating plants My body comes to life

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Shrugging off winters sluggish demeanor A smile paints my face To the beauty I am greeted with everyday And to know that I am lucky enough to pay witness To the beginning of life every year

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FLAVOR OF THE MONTH I was the flavor of the month. You tasted me and proclaimed me love. What I didnt realize was my flavor would not hold you. It ran out and so did you. You moved on, now youre tasting some one else.

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SOMEBODY PUT THESE PAPERS ON MY DESK Somebody put these papers on my desk. Some phantom must have created this mess. Every time I turn my back it seems like theres another stack. Im almost afraid to walk away. I cant see my desk by the end of day. The more work I do the more is put down. I swear its waiting until Im not around. Creeps up real swift and drops a pile, knowing that I wont be back for awhile. When I come back I want to cry, but thats not professional so I just sigh Go back to work and try to get it together and just when it seems like things are getting better another stack appears from thin air. This is going to make me crazy I swear. All they can ask for is I do my best and tomorrow Ill try finish the rest. Im looking out the corner of my eye for some suspicious girl or guy. One day I will finally identify the pest who thinks its funny to put papers on my desk

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FALLEN ANGEL I have fallen from your grace Tumbling to the earth My halo broken on the ground You have forgiven And love me still But you will not forget

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2005 NURSERY RHYME Big Bad Mama Always full of drama Spreadin her gossip all day Lyin and swearin And nobodys carin That shes wastin her whole life away

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DEPRESSION The thief takes my strength It steals my youth Making me a prisoner Doomed to a life of normality It invades my thoughts Kills Hope Murders Dreams It is a disease A cancer of my spirit Slowly dismembering my future My life is a massacre With my plans laying lifeless on the floor As I lay watching Helpless to rise Even though thats how it seems In actuality I am a phoenix From the ashes of disappointments I soar over adversity And fly through promise To never-ending possibilities

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MY HEART (inspired by JaNya) Her tiny hand reached in my heart and grabbed herself a piece. The sweetest love Ive ever known because she is my niece.

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WHAT THEY NEVER TOLD YOU Cinderella had a prince charming to sweep her off her feet. Sleeping Beauty had someone to wake her from her sleep Snow White had seven dwarfs plus the man of her dreams Alice had a wonderland to figure out what it all means Every story ended with some miracle and some sense of fantasy. A glass slipper, a slumber deep, Mad Hatter, and a tea party. At the end of every one there's one thing I could see that the fantasy always ended right before the reality. They didn't tell you Cinderella got fat after having all those kids or that she chose to ignore the things that prince charming did. When sleeping beauty awoke, she found the castle a mess and after that day she never got any rest. They didn't say that Snow White had seven dwarfs of her own. After the prince ran out she could no longer stay at home. Alice stepped out of wonderland and into the land of real life only to realize that she'll never be a wife. The story gave you the romance and left out all the pain. It only shows you the rainbow that comes after the rain. So when you wish that fairytales could be your happily ever. They never told you about the after because nothing lasts forever.

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TRADE THE WORLD FOR TWO (9-11-01) In the morning I woke up, as I have done many mornings before, and went to work dreading each step. Wishing I had some reason some excuse to stay in my safe spot and rest my mind I arrived at work and began my daily routine. Little did I know that while I griped about turning on computers and cursed about answering phone that thousands of people were losing their lives. One plane hit, then another sending the top crashing to the foundation. People were maimed, burned, and killed. Others were traumatized. Children lost their parents. Parents lost their children. People lost hope. I was making a cup of coffee: pouring cream into the black liquid, spooning sugar, and stirring. While people were startled and confused on the streets of New York the news poured from the radio. Shocked voices reported the news and I could hear the disbelief I tried to get my brain to concentrate. I tried to get my mind to think, but all I could think about were the people that I loved. I wanted to call them. I wanted to hear their voices. I wanted to be with them. I wanted to go home. My stomach felt sick. The only thing I could think about was going to my safe place. Every minute I sat there I felt more vulnerable. I left.

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I went back home. The closer I got to the door the sick feeling in my stomach, worked its way up to my chest, into my throat, and came out in sobs As soon as I walked in the door the tears spilled from my eyes All the fear, All the worry streamed down my cheeks. My life had become a screaming child in front of me and I had to figure out exactly how to help it, because tomorrow it could be me I could wake up and go to work only to be laying among rubble. Nothing is promised. My sense of security was stolen from me. In the wee hours of what seemed to be a normal day it turned into a day of tragedy.

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SOBRIETY You were my glass of wine at the end of a hard day. You numbed my mind to the pain I felt inside. You stole my thoughts making me concentrate only on you. I drank you in glass after glass. Loving the way you make me feel. You took the hurt away. I never felt unworthy. I never felt alone. I never felt unloved. I never felt at all. You were my drug of choice until I realized youre not the solution. You werent making things better, but helping to make them worse. I took my last drink and Ive been sober ever since.

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LOVE IN THE FIRST DEGREE Its like Ooh Is the only word I know When I feel you touch my body With the tip of your tongue Its like umm is all I can think of When you hit that spot that makes my body shake Its like my mind shuts down and all I can think of Is where you are sending me Its like electricity when you grab my hand I feel it coursing through my nerves Its like a movie when were together It feels surreal Something Ive never experienced before Its like brilliance Everything you say makes sense When I feel confused Its like my future I can see it so clearly now I never thought about it before Its like my heart opens up and you walk inside You plant your flag and mark your territory Its like from this day forth I will love no one more than I love you right now Its like my first love and nothing will ever compare To the way I feel today

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UNTITLED She wonders why her honey attracts older men and sends younger men running away. She doesnt realize that she exudes maturity and responsibility. Commitment shines in her eyes. Love bursting from her heart. Older men are fooled by believing they can taste her honey for free. They think she is full of nativity, but what they dont understand is She protects her precious nectar only to be enjoyed by a select few who appreciate her true beauty.

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A PRAYER Lord make me over Allow me to evolve Like a seed grows into a tree Stretching its branches out to the heavens Like the wind grabs a leaf tossing it into the unknown I reach out to you arms spread wide Beckoning you to take my hand and lead me where you may Lord make me strong Allow me to test and know my own strength Like a river flows continuously Over rocks and around barriers Do not allow me to stand still I will course through difficulties pouring into solutions Lord make me see Allow me to understand Like the clouds grow heavy and dark They fill with tears they are afraid to let go It rains down with such force Washing away the grime Soothing the tepid Nourishing the thirst Show me that without the storm There is no survival

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Lord make me love Allow me to recognize my blessings Like a rosebud is nurtured by the sun Kissed by the rain And protected by thorns Let me recognize that each person in my life Friend or foe Shapes me in some way Lord make me me Allow me to accept myself Like each wintry snowflake falls from the dark sky to the ground No two are exactly alike But they join together to accomplish more than just one could Let me know that even though I join many I am the only me And that makes me special Amen

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BUTTERFLY Your period of nave existence is gone Its time to step inside your cocoon And transform into who you were meant to be. The tough outer shell will no longer protect you from harm But you will not be left in the world unarmed. Knowledge is your protection from those who wish to hurt you. Nourish your mind and retain the lessons learned. All the times you got to close to the fire And felt like you were burned. Remember after your transformation Your life experience worth of education So that you can not only survive But we need you to live and thrive. The day has come for you to fly Use your strength to break through your shell And step into the light. Spread your wings to the sky. Show your true colors, beautiful butterfly. Let the wind carry you where you need to go. Let the sunlight illuminate the darkness. Let your instincts remind you of what you know. Your metamorphosis is complete, but You dont yet have this life beat. Its going to be tough and at times youll want to give up. Remember how far youve come and where you would like to be. Reach up and grab a piece of heaven to float on And whenever you feel the need Remember you are never alone Other butterflies flutter in the same breeze.

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