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“I WILL SIT BY THE BEDS OF YOUR CHILDREN . . .

AND DESTROY THEM SLOWLY”


(A Story of Sunny Thoughts and Dark Nightmares)
I was reading from my regular daily devotional book one Saturday not long ago
and I remember feeling that God wanted me to go ahead and read the page for
the next day too. I resisted, of course. That's the page for tomorrow, I thought.
Why would I read Sunday's selection on Saturday? But I did, and I read this:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,
neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor
anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that
is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

I connected with that passage in such a powerful way that day. It reminded me
of a thought that had come to my mind, like a message from God, several days
earlier. I think I must have been allowing some worry to trouble me; probably I
was worrying about the safety of my children or other loved ones. The thought
that came to me was this:

To God, even death is irrelevant.

And, as it has always been when the messages come, I received, with those few
simple words, a profound understanding of the depth of their meaning. When
we pray for protection for a loved one or for some other situation that seems to
require some specific outcome or “answer”, our hope still allows for fear and
worry. We don't know the future so we don't know that things will turn out the
way we would prefer.

And when having the preferred answer is something that is very, very important
to us, our hope and our prayers have a kind of frantic quality to them. Because
our hope is not in God, but in our limited desires regarding how the
circumstances should turn out. Circumstances, I think, are something very
weak to put our hope in.

But if our hope is in God, there is no room for fear or worry because, like the
scripture says, NOTHING can separate us from God's love. So, if we are
praying for a loved one, even if they die, that does not mean God has
abandoned them or failed to protect them, because not even death can separate
that person from God's love. They are safe in the Love of God, regardless of
the circumstances!

But, even as we seek to achieve that level of peace where our hope is totally in
God and no circumstance can shake us, God understands that we aren't there
yet. He understands that, to us, death is extremely relevant. So he is there with
us every step of the way, comforting us and strengthening us in our pain, in our
fear, and in our worry.
And when I read the passage from Romans, I felt that part of the purpose for me
being led to read it early was that I needed to immediately share the passage
and my thoughts with someone who was struggling, trying to come to terms
with the suicide of a close friend.

I understand that one part of the fear and worry that Christians, in particular,
experience related to the death of a loved one is the concern that maybe
somehow that loved one did not meet the criteria for acceptance by God after
death. Maybe they didn't believe correctly or maybe their lives didn't contain the
necessary quantity of righteousness.

But all I know about that is that WE are not the judge. Our responsibility is to
care for the living, to love them, to be obedient to God in how we can make a
difference in the lives of those he places in our paths. But we are no one's
judge. That is not our burden, not our concern to worry about.

So, as 2011 begins, people talk about hope. Hope for a “happy new year”, a
chance to start fresh. We connect with a sincere hope that this year will be
BETTER somehow than the one that has just passed. And if our hope is in
circumstances, then it is an anxious, shaky, tentative hope. Maybe this year will
bring us better circumstances and maybe it won't.

But if our hope is in God, then we can be very sure that our hope will not
disappoint us. It is like having a 100% guarantee of a better year, a year of
peace and freedom from fear and worry. Because NOTHING, not death, not
anything, can separate us from the Love of God!!

We are conquerors. We are MORE THAN conquerors!!

On an icy Tuesday evening, I exercised vigorously, drank coffee, and stimulated


my mind by writing. I finished writing what you have just read and went to sleep.
I didn't expect to sleep well. (I know the rules of sleep hygiene.) But I did sleep
well, actually, except for the weird and vivid nightmare.

I had intended to end my essay with the “more than conquerors part”. That
would make for an inspiring, positive RoseDQ ending, don't you think?

I thought I had plugged up most of the loopholes with enough positivity. I was
still somewhat troubled by one, though. The “fate worse than death” loophole. I
figured I had presented a fairly solid case for death not being a thing to fear or
worry about much. But still there was that nagging thought – we do all know
there are things we fear and worry about more than death. It was a loophole to
possibly give some thought to the next day. And with that, I fell asleep.
I will tell you my dream and, as of this moment, I am unsure how I will be able to
turn this back around into something positive, or even if I should. People
accuse me of being too happy. I think about a brief conversation with someone
who showed interest in meeting “the dark side” of RoseDQ. He said he
expected Rose's dark side would be as intense and extreme as the side of her
that is all light. I told him he might not get to meet that dark side, though; for one
thing, because I have an image to keep up; and for another thing, because for
me, writing turns my dark moods sunny. It is my therapy. So if something I write
starts out dark and negative, the process of writing will turn it positive. I do not
know if that will happen this time, though.

People used to ask me what my favorite color was. I said I didn't have one, that
I preferred colors together, not separately. But if I had to choose a favorite, it
would be yellow. Yellow, the color of sunshine. Yellow, the color of cowardice.
Yellow, a very weak color by itself, a color that is only strong and vibrant when
surrounded by other colors. It is the color that most intensely enhances other
colors and is itself most intensely enhanced by others. So I am saying that
maybe this is a story whose beauty is in its stark contrasts between the dark and
the light.

Anyway . . . my dream began at some location unfamiliar to me. It was some


kind of market place where I was surrounded by unknown persons. I had a
dinner plate and they were giving me meat to take to my home. It was raw
meat, chicken and beef, and appeared to be fresh and of good quality. There
seemed to be some switching going on, back and forth among the people and I
could see that what I ended up with on my plate was a smaller portion than I
had at first expected and not the very best cuts. I ended up with a medium
sized piece of beef with more fat than what seemed to be in the best pieces,
some good chicken breasts, and some smaller, harder pieces of chicken, one
which seemed to be something like a neck and the other which I was warned
not to eat. It was the head of a chicken, I was told. But it was not obvious that
that was what it was. I remember turning it over a couple of times and noting
that if I looked closely at the other side, I could see the sharp beak.

I took the plate of meat home. Often in my dreams, I am in a place that I think
of as my home, but it appears totally different from my real life house. In this
dream, though, the home I entered was identical to my real life house.

In the kitchen, while several of my family members and I were looking at the
plate of raw meat, out of one of the healthy looking chicken breasts a very long
worm emerged. It was at least 2 feet long. I felt pretty freaked out, of course.

No further attention was given to the plate of meat, other than I remember
having a fleeting thought that possibly after the worm was gone, the meat might
still be ok to eat.

Anyway, I took the very long worm out to the back yard, but was immediately
concerned that it could harm the dogs so I thought I would need to kill it. So I
tried, but the worm would not die, but instead mutated into a different evil
creature. It was not, objectively speaking, ugly or frightening looking. It was like
a cat/dog/wolf kind of creature, medium sized.

There were several other creatures, identical to it , that appeared at the same
time, but I didn't pay much attention to them. They were motionless, standing
upright in flat, open boxes, like the kind of boxes used to display new toys or like
coffins. Or like both.

The creature that did move, though, I thought I should try to kill. I stabbed it and
cut off its head, but, like the worm, it did not die.

My children were outside the front door, much younger than my actual real life
children. They were cheerful, wearing summer clothing, and seemed unaware
of any danger.

I was standing just inside that door, feeling very fearful of the evil creature. And
I said, “if you can't be killed, then just go ahead and kill me.”

Then the creature spoke for the first time. Its voice was a raspy whisper and it
said, “I will sit by the beds of your children. I will chew off their fingers and
destroy them slowly.”

Then I either woke up or the dream changed somehow and I noticed I was
beginning to analyze the meaning. I was thinking about my younger daughter,
who in real life is nearly 14, but sleeps in my bed because she is afraid of her
own bedroom at night. Just before we went to sleep I had noted she was
listening to her MP3 player. And my first thought regarding the meaning of the
dream was that there was a connection between the evil creatures and some of
the music my daughter listens to. The thought came to me that I should not
allow that music in our home, not allow it to be continually poisoning her mind.
But I have just never been that good at forbidding stuff.

I thought about how I used to wonder if I should have been stronger and refused
to allow her father to bring alcohol into the house, the alcohol that poisoned our
family and eventually took him away from us. But I have always been weak, or I
have always been someone who thought people needed to come to their own
conclusions about good vs evil, right vs wrong, healthy vs destructive. Or I have
always been both.
I think, actually, that what the evil creature represented was more than just
music and more than just alcohol. And I wonder about the significance of the
fact that, in my dream, it was me, not my daughter or her father or anyone else
who brought the evil into our home.

More thoughts came in the early morning a day later. The dog was agitated,
which is typical for that time, 4 or 5 am. What is it you hear? I wonder. The
gang activity in the alley? Our children in process of being destroyed?

The dream is probably more than symbolism. Yes, I do need to arrange for
another spiritual cleansing of the house. I am grateful for the dream, for the
reminder. Why should I need reminding of something like that? Because I am
just too busy to attend to what is really important? Because we just adjust to
living with demons??

I am unsure of how to conclude this so I am asking for your input. What does it
all mean?

I suppose eventually my conclusion will include something more about the


Romans 8 passage. “. . . neither angels nor demons . . . nor any powers . . . will
be able to separate us from the love of God . . .”

And maybe my conclusion will also include something about how I believe that
2011 may not be a particularly good or happy year, in terms of circumstances. I
think instead it might be a year that will challenge us in ways that we have never
been challenged before. I received a message indicating 2011 would be a year
of “great reconciliation”, which is a good and happy thing, possibly something
that can come out of the difficulties.

Maybe we will confront evil far stronger than we are able to overcome on our
own and have to confront our enemy, fully relying on God's strength, not our
own. But eventually, yes, we WILL overcome. We will be more than
conquerors!!!

I am fairly certain that some of you just think this is all craziness. I'm ok with
that; I value your input too.

Thank you all for your careful consideration of this matter.

Love always,
RoseDQ January 2011

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