How to Be a Good Mother

The definition of a good mother varies depending on who you ask. The most important thing is
to love your children and to make sure they feel loved. In this case, the only opinions that matter
are yours and your kids. If you’re trying to be a good mom, start by figuring out what you
consider to be most important—is it discipline? Is it quality time? Is it providing your kids with
opportunities? Once you’ve figured that out, set ground rules and work to be a positive role
model in your kids’ lives. Don’t forget, though, that to invest in your children, you’ll also need to
invest in yourself. Be sure to perform self-care and build relationships with supportive people
who can be there for you so you can be there for your children.

Method 1 Developing a Parenting Plan

1 Follow advice that's supported by experts. Get familiar with child development by reading
tried and true parenting books. Then, try your best to implement fact-based advice, like praising
your children to reinforce positive behaviors or using timeouts or some other form of correction
to manage misbehavior instead of spankings.

There’s an overwhelming amount of literature on what makes a good mom and how to raise
healthy, happy kids. Plus, everyone has an opinion—from your own mother and the mothers at
your kids’ school to the person behind you in line at the grocery store.

Trying to implement all the advice you receive will only lead to frustration, and may even make
you feel bad about your parenting abilities.

Some good resources for parenting include the American Academy of Pediatrics sponsored-site
at https://www.healthychildren.org/English/Pages/default.aspx and KidsHealth.org at
https://kidshealth.org/.

Some famous parenting books include Parenting with Love and Logic or Positive Discipline.

2 Set clear and firm rules. Decide how you want to run your household and clearly
communicate these expectations to your kids. Hold a family meeting to verbalize the guidelines
and be sure everyone understands the consequences if they don’t comply. Then, post a cheat
sheet of the rules in a common area, like on the fridge.

Make rules clear and concise but with a positive spin, like “Everyone should walk indoors”
instead of “No running in the house!”

Depending on the age of your children, you might have an open discussion with them to decide
on fair rules and consequences together. You might start trying to do this once your child is able
to work out for themselves some feasible consequences to misbehavior.
3 Follow through with consequences. If your children violate rules, be willing to consistently
enforce them and apply consequences as needed. Use fair and appropriate consequences that you
will carry out every time.

Disciplining your children for rule-breaking doesn’t necessarily translate to being mean. Use
compassion and logic. Criticize the behavior rather than the child. This might sound like,
“Charlie, what should you do instead of pushing your brother? Because you pushed, you’ll have
to wait 5 more minutes before taking a turn to show how patient you can be.”

4 Be affectionate often. Dish out plenty of love in the form of hugs, kisses, and words of
affirmation. Affection reminds your child that they are loved unconditionally. Plus, it’s linked to
higher self-esteem, better academic performance, fewer behavioral problems, and an overall
stronger relationship between you and your child.

Make sure most of the interactions you have with your children are positive and loving. Strive to
show affection daily.

If you have a baby, affection may simply involve holding your infant regularly or speaking
reassuringly.

5 Act approachable, so older children want to talk to you. A good relationship with your child is
built on healthy communication, and they’ll need to know that you are open to talking with them.
Make a point of having regular conversations with each of your children, no matter how trivial
the subject. Then, let them know that your door is always open for a chat.

Smile, uncross your arms and legs, and make occasional eye contact. If your child is talking, try
to give them your full attention. Power off or silent any distractions like the TV or your cell
phone until the conversation is over. Repeat what they said to show you’re listening.

Always remind your child that you love them. Even if you are disciplining them or disagreeing
with them, make sure they know it comes from a place of love. You might do this by speaking in
soft tones and being gentle with your child, even when you are enforcing a consequence.

Being approachable also means limiting judgments or criticisms. If your child feels like you’re
disapproving, they may not want to share. So, steer clear of harsh facial expressions or critical
statements when you are talking to them.

6 Spend time one-on-one. Quality time is important for building good relationships with each of
your kids, but always hanging out as a family doesn’t allow for one-on-one attention. Carve out
time—even short windows—for connecting with each child on their own.

When you dedicate a little time to one child at a time, you can talk about the unique challenges
they are facing or learn about their special talents and interests.
If you're dealing with a baby or toddler, one-on-one time might include getting down on the floor
and playing with them.

Make a special habit or activity for the child that is your "special thing." Cook together, take a
walk, or even do crafts. This can reinforce your bond.

7 Show your support. A mom is one of the most important people in a child’s life, so use that
position to validate your child and make them feel worthy. Help nurture their interests and
outlooks, even if it's not what you would have chosen for them.

If your teenager has joined a band, give some positive feedback about the songs she writes.

If your middle-schooler is obsessed with space, buy them books or take them on a field trip to
the planetarium.

These interests may come and go. But, they will always remember how you supported them and
gave them the freedom to explore different things without judgment.

If your child behaves well or does something that makes you proud, let them know. This will
reinforce positive behaviors in your child.

8 Love all your children for who they are. Try to spend about the same time sharing quality
time, praising, and disciplining each of your kids. Also, try to promote strong sibling
relationships by not comparing one kid to another.

Good mothers avoid showing favoritism, as doing so could lead to aggression, lower self-esteem,
and poor academic performance. Plus, playing favorites may turn your kids against one another.

9 Collaborate with your partner or co-parent on the plan. Since consistency is such a big
thing in being a good mother, you'll also want to make sure your partner or co-parent is on the
same page with your plan. Develop the rules and consequences together, and be sure that both of
you follow through on them.

This also includes having regular check-ups, so that you can identify problems before they affect
the children.

For instance, if one parent doesn't agree on the disciplinary plan, they may not actually carry it
out. Being clear about where each of you stand can help ensure that the right message gets to the
kids.
Method 2 Being a Role Model
1 Do your best to practice what you preach. Ensuring that you reflect a consistent image to
your kids is an important part of being a good mom. Children repeat behaviors that their parents
do, so avoid setting rules and standards for your kids you don’t follow yourself.

For example, if you have a hard rule about lying in your household, avoid telling lies whenever
possible in front of your kids. That way, you’ll seem more credible and admirable.

This also includes modeling things like being a hard worker, eating healthy foods, and not using
drugs or alcohol.

2 Model healthy relationships. Whether with your spouse, co-parent, family members, friends,
or regular people in the community, show your kids how to treat people appropriately. Let them
know what it means to be a good friend and/or partner, such as teaching them to actively listen,
compromise, and share with others.

Use teachable moments when you and your spouse disagree (on lighter matters) to show your
kids how to work through conflicts.

3 Be an upstanding citizen in the world. Being a role model extends beyond basic behavior to
humanity in general. If you want to be a good mother, be a good person. Lend a helping hand to
a neighbor in need, volunteer in your local community, and advocate for the underdogs of
society.

Commit to a family community service project, like serving at a soup kitchen over the holidays.

Modeling compassion and empathy for others increases the likelihood that your children will be
assets to society.

4 Admit when you’re wrong, and apologize. Be a standup mom who understands you’re not
perfect and is willing to acknowledge your shortcomings. Admitting your own wrongdoing
shows your kids that there’s nothing to be ashamed of about mistakes—as long as they fess up
and try to make amends.

For instance, if you accidentally compare one kid to another, acknowledge that is was wrong by
saying, “Jeff, I want to apologize to you. I compared you to your brother yesterday and I
shouldn’t have. Each of you is special with your own qualities. Will you forgive me?”
Method 3 Caring for Yourself
1 Take time away for yourself without feeling guilty. Don’t feel guilty about pulling away
from your children every now and then for some “me time.” It sends a message to your kids
about the importance of managing stress and caring for oneself. Plus, spending time apart helps
you decompress and helps them learn to do things on their own.

Being stressed out affects your children, so carve out time for self-care daily. This might be
unwinding with a long soak and a book each evening, or enjoying a quiet cup of coffee before
the kids rise every morning. Just remember to take care of you!

Don't be afraid to tell your children that you're taking some time to yourself. Explain self-care to
them and ask them what they do for self-care. This will build a healthy habit in your children.

2 Build a positive support group, especially with other moms. Social support is an important
aspect of your health and wellness as a woman. Be sure that you make time to connect with
friends and family, but also other moms who can offer advice and support.

Participate in a mommy group in your local community, or meet the moms of your kids’ friends
at school, at church, or on the playground.

It’s equally important to connect with others simply as a woman—not only as a mom! Hang out
with girlfriends, go on dates, and cherish your familial relationships, too.

3 Promote good health and well-being. When you support your overall health, you ensure that
you lose less time coping with illness, have a better mood, and live longer for your kids’ sake.
Make a health a major focus in your household by eating well, exercising, and getting plenty of
rest. Encourage your kids to do the same.

If you have small kids, try joining a gym or rec center that has a daycare so you can work out.

You might also try family bike ride, sports, or activities that promote fitness like jumping on the
trampoline together.

4 Don't hold yourself to unreasonable expectations. Be aware of any pressure others (or you)
are putting on yourself, and learn to take things in stride and accept your limitations. Instead of
trying to be a superhero, try to be good enough.

If you get caught up in expectations and start beating yourself up, pause, take several deep
breaths and repeat: “I’m not perfect. I am only one person. I can only do so much.”

If you become too frustrated by expectations, take a look at the info you’re absorbing. You may
need to distance yourself from judgmental people or cut down on your social media or magazine-
reading time.
You might also examine your social circle, as instances of mom-shaming often run rampant in
social groups. If you find that some moms are regularly judging or criticizing others, get some
distance from these people.

5 Split responsibilities with your partner. Good moms don't try to do it all on their own. If
you're parenting with a spouse or partner, ask them to share the load with you. If you're
overwhelmed, request that they take on more duties, so you can rest. You might also give them
specific tasks to do so that you're not bogged down.

This might sound like, "Sweetie, I haven't slept well in days. Do you mind putting the kids to bed
tonight so I can turn in early?"