Religion Unincorporated©1

By Sera

Jesus, Prison.

Religion in prison is like water to a man dying of thirst. While he drinks

it, to everyone else that water sounds like a mosquito whining.
Everyone in prison is instantly a devout something once they walk
through the gate . . . and have detoxed from the dope, taken
antibiotics to kill the VD’s and gotten on psyche meds to bring them
back to this reality. Then they are immediately a practicing __________
(fill in the blank religion). Usually it’s Christian, and the more
flamboyant the better. Women walk around this place impersonating
nuns and spouting scripture. When you ask a question someone will
respond with scripture. For example,

“Where’s the water fountain?”

“There will be water if God wills it.”

[Religion] doesn’t stop

you from doing what
you shouldn’t. It just
stops you from
enjoying it. – H.L.
Mencken (again)

Religion/Puritanism –
the haunting fear that
someone, somewhere,
might be happy. – H.L.
Mencken

And they adjust their halo and float away looking ethereal. It astounds
me, to be honest. Here’s the thing – I personally have no issue
whatsoever with religion or God. In fact, I like to think of myself as
very spiritual. I believe in God and pray quite a bit. I also accept any
other gods or goddesses that may exist and pray to them as well. I
pray to Saints, too. Why the heck not? The more people/gods/saints
looking out for me the better! One of my favorite prayers is to St.
Anthony – Patron Saint of Lost Things:

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With a nod to Lenny Bruce (Religion Incorporated)
 When asked if
concerned with
forgiveness by God,
Heinrich Heine
responded, I didn’t
know we had even
quarreled.

Give me chastity and

self-control – but not
yet. St. Augustine

“Tony, Tony, come around. Something’s lost that can’t be found.”

It always works. I am totally good with God. He is my friend. The big

homie running the show. I believe God(s) loves me and helps me
every second on my cosmic karmic path. My point is – God and I are
cool. It’s not the issue of God that confounds me. What I find a bit
ridiculous are women who have spent the last 20 years doing nothing
but selling and doing dope, stealing and running amuck – just doing
everything and anything, but making it to church on Sunday – are
suddenly a bunch of saints running around prison, for God’s sake,
preaching and lecturing about God, the bible and “the Christian thing
to do.” What makes me laugh in shocked wonder is the self-righteous,
holier than thou horseshit spewing from so many women’s mouths and
tainting their attitudes. Look, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with
reconnecting with God once you are clean or finally off the street.
Everyone has that right, if not necessity, in order to find and regain
peace in their lives. I know that my own connection to God and the
universe has given me a lot of comfort and serenity, but I hardly think
myself qualified to be God’s speakerphone or the mouthpiece of Jesus.
For one thing, I am not the only person on the planet. Other people
are around and have their own beliefs and private spiritual guides. I’d
like to respect their privacy and beliefs by not taking away every
chance I get to inform them that what I believe is right and they are
probably going to burn in eternal hellfire for thinking otherwise. People
find their own spiritual paths in their own time and who the hell am I to
stick my long nose into their affairs?

Religion is what keeps

the poor from
murdering the rich –
H.G. Wells

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 Religion is a spiritual
constipation [or]
a corpse that doesn’t
know it’s dead – Elbert
Hubbard

Here’s the thing. In my lowly opinion, no matter what we all believe,

no body, nobody truly knows what the hell is going on. None of us
have met Jesus or God, Buddha or Zeus or the Easter Bunny and
personally gotten the low-down on what’s really out there running the
show. Nobody truly knows what exactly happens after we die. What
we have is a feeling. Something that fills our hearts, keeps us smiling,
and gives us hope. Something somewhere along the way in each of
our lives just fit, just felt right, and provided some warmth and safety.
And thank God for that. Why can’t we just be happy that we have that,
nurture it, and love it? Why do good things have to be turned into
ego? On the streets, in the real world, if I see a Jehovah’s Witness or
Mormon cruising up my driveway with pamphlets, I have the option to
turn off the lights and hide behind my couch, fervently praying that
they don’t see me crouching or hear my panicky breaths and leave
quickly. That’s not an offense to them; it’s a respect to me. But in
prison there is no escape.

Life is a jest and all

things show it. I
thought so once and
now I know it. -- John
Gay

Ut puto dues fio – I

think I am becoming a
God.
Roman Emperor Vespa
Sian

So, what I’ve learned is tolerance. And a sense of humor helps. I

admit to amusing myself from time to time when being religiously
assaulted just to get a reaction.

“Do you know Jesus Christ and have you accepted him as your
personal savior?”

Me: “Jesus-who? Did he work the night shift at 7-11?”

And then watch them freak out and start sputtering, trying to say 10
things at once? Or, when goaded for the thousandth time to go to

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Bible studies, I snidely reply, “Please I obviously have Satan-
worshipping class at seven and am sacrificing a virgin at 8.”

I think it pisses God off

if you walk by the color
purple in a field
somewhere and don’t
notice it. –
Alice Walker
(The Color Purple).

So, I’m reading this and wondering how many people reading this
piece will be offended. My interest in that is only fleeting, because I
honestly don’t care. This obviously is not meant to offend. I have no
judgment in what I say – I’m not saying I’m right or wrong. I’m saying
that if you have a belief that is truly a blessing I respect the peace of
mind and spiritual growth you must experience due to that belief. My
own beliefs are beautiful and completely real to me, so why burst my
bubble. Why not just be happy for me and everyone else who is
content in their religion or spirituality. Lighten up! Reconnect with
some semblance of mutual respect for each other. And I’ll pray that
everyone remembers that God, my friends, has an awesome sense of
humor.

God will pardon me, it’s

his job
Heinrich Heine

Let’s enjoy it!

What inspired me to write this was a memory of the absolutely silliest

and hysterical verbal (LOUD) argument I’ve heard here in prison. One
day I heard two women yelling at each other, vehemently insisting that
“I am more blessed than you!” Oh, nu-uh, bitch, I’m more blessed”, so
forth, and so on. I am not making this up.

In quietness and trust

is your strength –
Isaiah 30:15

Ladies, ladies, let’s not bicker. There are enough blessings to go

around! Jesus has plenty of blessings and we’re all going to get our
share, so remain calm. The main thing is not to panic! Besides, if

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anyone is blessed more, it is clearly me!
Be Humble. – Phillipions
2:35

Dear Reader:

I figured I’d do just one story on Religion. ONE. Talking about religion
and abortion somehow are about equal in producing anxiety, which is
weird since those are two issues where I’m totally comfortable with my
opinions. I think it’s because I’m so non-confrontational and don’t
want to (a) piss people off over things that shouldn’t be argued over
because we all have an opinion and nobody but God knows who is
really right and (b) there hasn’t been a flood or a burning bush in a
while. So, really, who the hell knows?

God is a circle whose

center is everywhere
and whose
circumference is
nowhere!
Greek Philosopher
Empedocies
(490-430 BC)

Hope there’s no hate mail.

God is dead
(Nietzsche, 1885)

Nietzsche is dead
God 1900