!

A mQUEsnONS TO ASK Y01JRSEI.F 010 05 . I

I
-:Are you a victi~? A prosecutor? A rescuer? I
'-Whose li(escript are you fonowing? ,)

,-What part of you is a child? A parent?, An" adult?

,-HoW'much of your relationship'S 'Yith others is. superftcial?
How much truly intimate? ,

-Do you stroke people positiv~1y.togive them: a feeling of

,
OKness, or do'you 'discountthem with negative stroking?
-Are you a wimet or a loser?
When yo~ undtrstand these questions, and begin to find tlltir,
','
.
answers; you will be well on the wa,jlto becoming whtlt you
, werea/Wllysmeantto be~ '
",

BORN TO WIN
"EJIrlchlng, s1Imuladng, re'lVarding, , . ~rllftycme,"'"
ested in understandiJlghimself, his relatlo~ wluiodie.-'
'.and his goals." -:-~NSAS CITYfIMp
. "The
, most e"cllingcontributiOn
. .
to,self-UIIIIersf8ndiII.!",
. ,
-PROORESSIYI! WOMAtoi
" '

,'DR. MURlELJAMES'1S a licensed marriage and family-coUnieIOJ'~an

'

international" consu1t,nf in human relations tOlcwemment ..pneief. '~

school !iystems, ,and ttusiness. and. an ,adviser to the California ~
sion on The Status of Women. Dl. James received her doctorate kom
the OnivCrsityof'Caltfomiaat Berkeley, She is vice--preS1dentol the 18;-- ~
ternationalTfansactional' Analysis, AsSociation, and. was a c:olleaaue ~
4)r. Eric Berne. Dr. Jarnes is the author of TRANSAcT'IONAL' ANAL-
YSIS FOR MOMS A!'ID DADS,BORN TO LOVE, a,nd THS OK!
BOSS,and i. the co-aUthor of WINNING WITH PEOPLE and
NEW SELF. ' ,

DR.' DOROTHY JONGEWARD iJo,'he president nf tI!. T,..s/octI...1

". "
,
Analysis M;anagetnent Institute~ She earned .her Ph.D. at CUj{QM'ia,
. Western' University, and is a -TeJl.ch'ng Mer:nber at' tlieIntemaliooai
Transactional Analysis Association, a Prof.ror of Human Deh.vior ;and>
Transactional Analysis at Califorma,American tJnivenity:, aad a ,life
member ot the California Association p{ Marriaat and f_mil)' Cou..
selon. Dr. Jongewardis the'author of EVERYBODY WINS: "Trans...'
actional Analysis Applied to Oraaniutions, and, is .theca-author ,i
"of
AFFtRMATIVE ACfIONFOR WOMEN, WINNING WITH PEO-! ,
PLE, and WOMEN AS WINNERS, -
.'
 <

-
 , ,

i~ ~ "f ,..,
=

Q. "&:'i
·
' ;- .Z '
" ! .
'
~

. \ ~ .~ ..,.
~-
 .

,
.'

.
.
 -.

"
 (f-

\
 Foreword

II basb!:en said that the psychotherapist's job is to pu\bimself out.

of business. Researcb and writing efforts in tbe field are l1irected
, toward curing patienm faste." in a way tbat is fun, ecoriom~, and
long lasting. The ideal in ,therapy is the one'session cure,Ihe ideal
in writing is tbe one'book cure. So mucb of tbe writing in ~sycltol.'
ogy is wriuen like hieroglyphiCs on the llosetta Stone that a Je.....
fr""",is Champollion tberapist or writer is invariably I.eeded for.
. .
the decipb~g al'd application. . .
Born 7'0 Wi. b)f'&'SOItbis middle-man system an4. pRSi:nll
. psychological insights in an intmediately recognizable way. It is in
'line Witb tbe '10's .trend or making all information more dily
available.1O people, and the quarian A"." ofbrinfing IOplher
iliformation from both .worlds. Humamstic Man. Ulterest!l'i in
petsonal.growth and higher levels of awareness, can noW ~
die information intelligently .tllat before be could handle only
inlellectually. .. .
Bor.' 10 Wi. seems free of the codifying "games wtiten play;"
In the writing ~tylethere is a patience, thoroughness, clarity,and
"giving" that is unique in the field..Here the needs of the reaaer
are met, 'lot discounted. The numerous examples sbould be
meani~1 ~ reader and student aliJce; even. 10 those pro- .
grammed for J1:1inimal insi8hllt has tbe clearest use of e1<amplesI
bave s~n in any book, and.! see it as a landmark book in.the r~d
..
of psychological writing. , .

(AsSistant Clinical Professor 8tepheB B.KaJPlll'Wi,JI.D.

of Psycbiatry, Univeisity of San francisoo
'California Med~ Center July 1971
San francisoo, California)
vii
I.

i
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"
,

.
 ..:;
;;.
:;..
'" ""
""
3
§.
.
""
"'"
~;;
""
"
~",'
.
~:;.
§
::;>
",'
0
a
> :..
~'::>
.. , '.
"
~;;.
"
1.::.
- "
~tt'
~::::
..

.. -
 Preface '1
I

..

Cl1rrenlly w~ find aresl1rgence of interest. in the "why" and "how"

ofhl1man behavior and in .the search for meaning in human eJtis-
tence. Bosses study how to work with subordinates, p~rents take
~l1tses on rearing children, husbands and wi.ves learn 10 I!'lk 10
each other and how to "fight fair," teachers study how to cope
wilb emotional disturbances in Ibeir students and how .to reverse
the effects of deprivation..' .' .' .
. Along with .their interest in millerial goods and .techn.ology, .
many peopl~,areconcernin$ th,emselves with whatitmeans1to be
human; As one young niale exeel1ive with a large firm put it, "I
have a Master's degree in accounting. When-l "'entto work with.
this firm, 1 thought my. problems "'~re gomg to be accounting
pro~ems., But they're not. They're 'people'problems." .,
Two new approaches to .unders.tanding people are transactiqnal
analysis as developed by Dr: Eric Berne and geStalt therapy as in-
terpreted by Dr. Frederick P.erls. This book is primarily concerned
. with our Interpretation of transactional analysis and its applira,
.tion to tbe dairy life of the average person. Gestalt-oriented exper-
iments. are used to sl1pplementthe transactional analysis t~eory.
Case illustrations are drawn fml1:\our experiences as teachers and
.
counselots: . '
.
Transactional analysis gives people a rational metbod for ana-
Iyzirig and understanding behavior; gestalt therapy ~ives people a.
useful'method fo. discovering the fragmented parts of their per-
sonality, inICgrating them, and developing a core of self-confi-
. xi"
 _
xii BORN TO WIN
dence. Both methods are conceAled with di$Covering and fOs'
tering aw~ren'ess.self~responsibUity. and genuineness. Both meth.
ods are conc.emed with .what is happening now. .
"..
We.belia'e this book can be used as a text or as a study guide fot
those interested in personality thooEYand interpersonal i'elation~
ships. It is intended to beof value to prof..sion,als in the menta:
bealth fields, to those; in manageme~t and education; and to la)
persons who arc' interested in: new ways of understanding them;
selves. It is definitely riot meant to take the place nf professiona
psychotherapy. Seriously disturbed people need outside help
well as their o,,"n total commitment to get well. '"
We are convinCed that people are not tptally at the mercy of eil
ther their heredity or their environment. They can modify both _

OUf hope is thatthis book will increase your awareness of the real l

power you. have to direct your own life, to make deCisions, to de.
'Ve:lopyour own ethical system, to enhance: the liyes-cf omen, anc
to understand th'at you were born to win.' .
,.We extenp. our sincere appreciation to the many who have in.
!luenced and assisted us.ltwould be impo&Sible to list th.em all b)
name. We wish to give special re.cognifion to Dr. Eric Berne an(
Dr. Frederick !'trls for their teaching and writings, and to the In-
ternational Transactional Analysis Associ~tion. a.nd Dr. Ke~nett
Everts, its former ,president,,' ,, I
.
y./e want to express our appreciation
" to c;>urstudents and counj
selees for their trust in us and for what w. have learned .from ead
_ . _
ot~r.. .
&d .we thank .our husbands and children , for their patience. I
love, and encouragement. -

Muriel J es Dorothy Jo ,.....

Lafayette, California May,197/ Orinda, California
I

*Informa:tion concerning training in TA may be dir«:ted to the Interna-

tionalTransactionalAnalysis Association, 1772 Vallejo.Street. San Fran-:
cisco, CA 9412~.,This Assotiation publish,es it directory of affiliates and
,geographicalli$t of accredited members and also has many TA publications
av,ailable for sale: .
';ontti!nts

WINNERSANDLOSERS.: :. cI
Ninners .. .. .. ... . ,. .. .. ... ... . ... .,.. . . .. .2
oscrS.. . .~.. . . . . . . . . . . . , . . . . .','; . ..". . . . . . . . . . . .', . . . '. .', 3
[ools for Change " ,...: " 6
'rederick Perls and Gestalt Therapy.. . . ... .. . . . .. .7
"tic Berne and Trallsactional "'nalysis . . .. . ." . .. . . .. . .. ., . 10
;ummary , ',' c ,.. t2
">q>erimentsand Exercises : \3
Trait Ch""klist . .. . .. . . . .. : .. .. ; .. . . . ... . . c .. . , : .. . .. 13'
Winner/Loser C6I1tinuum :...,.: ..-:,'14,
.f!ole.Playing an Inner Dialogue. . . :... . .. ... . .,'" ... ,14'

I ,AN OVERVIEWOF TRANSACfIONAI, ANALYSIS. c. .16

Introduction10StructuralAnalysis. . . .. . . .. .:.. ..' . :. 16
~eveloproent"of Ego Stales.. .. . . .. i.. ..":'..23 ".
Inlroduction 10 Analyzing Tl)lnsactioru;. . ... ..: ... . .. ., ...26
rhe Games People Play 33
. .
Days of Decision ... 36
PsychologicalPosilions .. ; .. .', .. . .. .. .. .. . .. . .. :. . ..' 37
~xualily and PsychologiCal Positions . . . ... . . . . . . . . , . . . . . . 38 ,

Introduction to ~ripl Analysis. :. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . A2

Summary'... . .. . . ... . .. . .. ... ...43
Experiments and Exercises.... .. .., .. .. . .. ..,44
"
. Beginning to Know Your Ego,States ... 44
.YourEgo Stat.. and Feelings.: , :...44
Analyzing Ii Transaction.. . . . . . . ... . . . . . . . .. , . . .. , . . 45
Your OKness (fantasy),.; " ,.45
Your Sexual OKness (fantasy) : ..~

S, THE'HUMAN HUNGER FOR STRODS AND

TIMESTRUcttJ1UN~ : : ..47
xiii
 .
xiv BORN TO WIN

SlrokingHunger... .. . .. .. ... . .. . . . . . .. . .;.. ~... .. .47

. Positive Slroking. .. . . '. . .. . . . .. .. . . .. . .. . .. . . .. .. . . .. .. .49
.
Discounting and Negative Slroking .5.3
The Hunger for SlruC!u~d Time ,... , 59
;
Summary. . . . . . . . .. . . . .. . . . . '. . ... . . . .'. .. . . . : . . . . . .. 66
. :. . .. .. :
,

ExperimenlSand Exercises. 70 I
You and Touch.. .: ..'.: 70!
YOUand R~ognlrlon. .: ..: 72 '

Youand TrmeStructurrng ,.,... 73

1
YourCapacityfor Intimacy
. . 73,

. 4 'nIE OllA.MAOF UFE SCRIPTs. .. .. _ .. .. . '.. .. .. .75

" "
Scrip" : :..: ,.. .76,
CulluralScrip"'" ,'. .. .. . . ... .. .. . :.. .. . 77
Subcultural Scrip" ,..:.. 82
Family ScriplS. .:..., ,' : .;.:. .83
Psychological
Scriplsof.an Individual..... . .. ,. . .86
Howl!criplingOccuis; , ,' .87
Scrip"witha Curse.: : '.. :89,
Counterscri"".. , ...,' .. . . . .. ...:.. ... ..., ' ,'.:. .911
Roles and Themes in Life DraQlas. . . . ." . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 92,
Scri~Themes ;.. '",'.97
Script Roles and Themes in Greek Mythology. .. .: . . .. . ,'...97
Script Themes in Children's$tories .. ., .. . ., . . . .,'. . ..99
Summary : , ":" .104 1

Experimentsa~d
.
E.xer,cises
..:. ":,' ... 1,0" ','_" .. ... .. 10f)1
Cultural and Family Scripting. .. .. ... . .. . . . . , .. . . . 106,
Individual Script. .
... . . . . .. . . . .. .':
. .NONVERBAL M£S8AGES IN YOUR SCRIPT. VER.8AL . .. : .,'. .. . . . . . 1061
!

.
MESSA(;t!S 'IN YOUR 'SCRIPT ,_ .ROLE .IDENTIFICA110N
ON STAGE.
,.
LIFE STAGES..' CAst Of 'GHAR~CTERS
. I

-. - ' . I

5'ARENTlNG AND 'nIB PARENT EGO ~TATE.. 110!

Tile ParentF.go State ...: .' .'.,. 110
.outward Expression of the Parent Ego State:'.. .. .. .. 112
Inner Int1uence of the Parent Ego Stal. .. . .. . .. .. .. . . 114
Nurturing Patent "., : 118
Prejudicial Parent , ..: ' .119
The Incomplete Pirent Ego Slate ..; ,.121
Reparenting. . . . . . : . . ". . .. . . . . : .. . . . ., . . . . . . . . . . . . ..' . . 126
 xv
Summary , 126
Experiments and Exercises ;...: " 130
Your Parentsas People.. .. .. . .. .., 130
.
MONEy. POSSESSIONS.CRJSl~. fUN. ,SEXaOLES
.fAYILY
WORK.
WEALS ~ APPEARANd! mUCATION
. YALUES. SP.EECH PATnRNS' -LISTENING
. . I

PATTE.aNS. SCRIP1' :(!'SY£S AND ROI,IIS ..

.
.' PARENTING PIlACTICES
YourPar.mts' Allitudes: , , ,.. .US
flow A YouLike YourParentS?... ' : 13$
Your Inner Dialogue .136
Ypur ParentEgo St/lles..~ , .137
",atkan Therapy (Japanese selfO/)serv/llion method). . . ,... 138
.'
8 ~()()D AND THE CHJLJ>.EC~'STAT:E I3'J .
The Child Ego State , .I~.
The Natural Child ,.. 140
The.Little Professor. I'"
The Adapted Child.., '" ,..: .' .1S7'
Shifts belWeen the Notudl and Adap~ Child : ',,0163
Activatingthe Child Ego State ...... .. ..... . ..'.166
Summary .:; 169
, Experiments and Eiltercises , "., J~.
Your Childhood Home :..., : .l1O
Getting in Touch wil~Y""r'Child!l()od.
The Child in You Now , .. .... .. .. .. ... ,.. . .. : .. ....;..170171
Fan/asy Awareness:.' .. ., , .:... .. :tn
Your Childh~ Adbpt/llions. ,.. .. ... ..0172:
Lass of a Parent.. .. . . . . . .. . ... .. .. . .. .. . .. .. .. ; 174
Your Uttle Professor. ,. .. :.. ,175
You.4t a Natura/Chilti. .. ' ;.177

'1 PERSONAL ANI} SEXUAL IDENTITY. .. .

"
.
. ., .. ... 179
Names and Identity. , :.., , ...179
ldentity.through Play .. : .; ..,... 183
ChildhoodPsychologicalGames.and Role Identity 138
Sexual.Identity : ,., ,.189
Sexual
.Summary
E1Ipression ..
, "
.
. ... , . . . . . . . .. . . . .. . . .. ... . . 193
.,: .:198
Eiltperimentsand ExercisFs : 199
Identity anti YourName .~ ,...:... .199.
 xvi BORN TO. WIN
Your Childhood Play ..., ; , 200
. Your Current Pray ,.. 2011
. Your Psychological Games. . . .. . . . .: .. . . . . . . . . . . . , . . . 204
.Your Sexual Identity and Expression . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 204
'. '.'
YOU17Sexual Feelings and Behavillr Now : ~... 206
8 STAMP COLLECTING AND GAME PLAYING. ,.. . . . 209
Psychological Trading Stamps. . . . . . . . . . . . .. .'. 210
.,T\1eTime of.Redemption:.;... ..., , 216
The Sweatshirt Message. .. ... .. 'C'" . .,. .,.219
. 221
Ga.mes Played from the Child Ego State
The "Ye~ But" Game , ' .: .223
The "Let's You and Him Fig."t" Game 223
The "See What You Made Me Do" Ga",e 226
The '''Uproar'',O'ame.... . .. ., . ... . . . . . . .. . .. .,." . ;...226
~
The "Courtroom" Game.: .' 227
The "Cops and Robbers" Game. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .'. . . 230
Giving Up Games , 231
Summary.... . . . . . . . ... . ., .. .. . .. ...: ... ...232
Experimentsand Exercises '" 233
,
. Your Stamp ColleeHon. . .. . .. . .. . . . ... .. . . . .. .. .... .. 233
;. Integrating.Old Feelings...
.
INADEQUACY . 'HELPLESSN,ESS
DEPRESSION. FEAR -GUILT.
. :
PERFJK''I1O'N
ANXI~~ ."ANGU,..
. ,. 233

...RESENTMENT
. OTIlER.FEELINGS . .
Tracing Old Feelings. . . . . . . . ... . . . . .. . . . .. . . .. .. .. .. 243
. Your, Sweatshl'rtMe~flages_~ . .. . . . ':. . . . . ... ,. ., ... ... ,244
Seftpt Cheek List " '"
...; .245
. .
9 THE ADULT EGO STATE ,.. , ,...247
. . .
The Bash Trap Phenomenon. . .. .., .. . .. .. . .. . . .. . , . . .. . 247
The Adult Ego State. . . .. .
. , . . .. ... .. . . .. . .. .. .. 248.
EgoSiate Boundaries. . .. . . . ... . . . .:.. .. .. ...2SO
en Ego Bou<>;d;n-ies , , ;;.251
Rigid Ego Boundaries , ,. : .252
Cont1mination of the Adult. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . , . ... . . . . . . . 255
.
Boundary Lesions 258
The Adult as Executive of the Pen,.nality .. . . . . .. .. .. .. . 2.5~
PlacatingYour Parent. . . .. .. . .. .. . . . . . .. . . . . . .. .. . : . .. 263
Pleasing the Child.. .. .. . .. . . .. . . . . . . : .. . : . . . .. . .. .. . . 264
 coli,., Dii
Activating and Strength.ning th. Adult Ego Sl&t... . .. . . . . il6S
Days of Despair.. . ~' ,.. 273
Summary..~ <.. .\.'", ...:. .275 '.
Exp.Jim.nts and ex.rci
.,,'
, , 27S.
,',
-,"

, . ..
".,',
. . . . . .., .. .. . . . ,',-
. 278
;. '"
,"

n'alhbed'Setne (fanl'tlSJ).. . '\", ,'"

',., ... .
---'

'. Yoor Last Ho.r (/anuuy) "

'" 279
BiotiJkill~
O.lol.:yo.r Btuh.T,.", . :. 279
Eltamtning<:orUlant. PoWnt,<:1HI~a"lIlduit.
an' '. ".
<:olistall/.
Child ... : 1: ';:180
Yi>l(tEgoStal.J'~iV1I! , ..~.
,..:
DeconlamtnaltnlYOIII'
AdrJlt:...; ~ ." "';". .284
~,..ntrrgfromJloW'Proj«tiO". ..; '" .28$
~ntnglrom YoorJ;lreaI!lS ;'. ,
Probl ;Soi~ingT«hn~
III ..
"..,..
,
..; ,"
....
,'286
;2&'7
' - "
ui ~UTONOMYAND.u>.UiT~ .,....
AWarell.~ ,.. ...: ',' '.~" ..., ,..,..;... '~. ".,191
SP9D"'!,.tty .. , ~.
''..,
" ,. ..:.~ .
. ~nl1D1acy... ;. .;. ,.,1.931.,.
he.IntegratedAdult ,297.'
'Ad,!lt,
Fe.lin.. .,. ; :'2?9
Ad"IIElhi(:S, , , L ...3Qj!
Epilogue. . . . ., . ,.. . . . .. . . . . . . ;
'" ..' .'.
.
. '... . . . . .. ;..,tQ1 .
~perlinents aR~Exe",ises :...;.,c .. ~~';::II¥.
YourAduit Ethics... ..., ,;.".. ;,. .:.304 .'
Adill~ Questions "n YOur Lif~. , . ~ .. . . . . . . .... . ;~3i!J '

FOOTN~ANDREFEJ\ENCF$.
. .~.., ..., .11)6
INDEX ; ...;., "..,'~I',

.,
,
 \ .

,
 xx BORN TO.
"'IN
ler, John James; bQttom, Daniel Buop; page 185, lOp, Qorothy
Jo~ward; bottom, Dorothy Jongeward ,
'

PIa.. XVI, pages 224-22.5: All three photos by Sneny Morgan "

~ pages228-229: ,All four pholOs by Sheh'y M9r,gan

'Plate XVIII;pages210.211:~21(); lOp.John Pearson;bottom,
SherryMorgan;page21l,lOp,John Pearson;: bottom, Eric W, .

~ pages 216-277:page 216, John Pe~;

Daniell!uop;bottom, SherryMorgsn ,,'
page 211;tOp,
'.,
Plale XX,pagcs2!14-29S:J>!I.8" 294, lOP. Daniel &op;' bottom,
, .Plale XJU; page :I03:PboIO by John James
John Pearson; page 29S,IOP; Sheny Morgan;
. ,
bottom, John Ja~
\
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,
 ,

.1 . .
Win.net'$flnd~
'.
.
.
Y. C/JIIIUIIt.IIII
'YOIl
<

,. .,'.

tiMo,,~ ~lpli""~ ..
. GIIIu«i. .
.
~.
. ,

-fl/IhIg.
(J!NitlUli~1f.
.'

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..

..

.,
 2 BOANTO WIN

WINNERS

'WlnJlCll !)ave differenl polenli.ls. Adlievem,nl'is nQItjie lnQSt

. importaltt
thins.Authen~ilylt.,
e_ self'rea)ity by Itnc:>wins.
The..* ~n6"e~rV
beills. andbeCC>mlng.«C4ible, .
aponaive peOOn.-Authentic peQple~ualiJelheir IIYII''''''' ,

'dented uniquenesi and ap'preci.teiheuniqu~neISQf O!lled;

'AuUlentl~ pe~n.,..wilU1era-dQ n()\dedi~'letlleirlives loa
9Oni:ep1of whalUley imqlne !hey.ilro../r/ be; ralber, IkeY ate
.tbentMlves and uauch dQ~ot use lI1eir_1Y pUttinsQ!lIl;per.
fOIll1&_, maintalnins pretence, andmanijluJ.lini Qthera.Win.
nera. c.n m-eal, Ulemselves inate.d' of projeclills imeses that
p~.se. provoke, 0, entice QUIeta.They .re are Ihat .Ihere is. .
dlfTeren~ belWeenbeillS!()vmSaliI!"ClinSIQvins.~""1I belns
Slupldand acllns Stupid, betWeen beinsknQwledseable and..ct. .

'. I,!Skno"'iqe.ble. Winnera dQnol need 10hide behInd a muk.' .

They \IIrowOffunrealiaticself.hll,ses of.lnferiQritY<>r
auperiorily.
~ulo!lOnty
, dQes nol friShte~ winnen; . . .'.'. ..' Howey..
..'
),J1~l!lehave mQments Qf .UlonQmy; If Qnly fiee.ting.
er,Winne!im ~ble \0 susl6in their autQni)myover ever.increas-.
inSj)eriods ofllme;.Win neremey ll>Ie
11>I sm undocC asic:>nallyan d .
mi.y e veit faU; 'f el; ill spite
,

..
P1:selback
. .nla
5 ""Inn
. 11I8I
., in.. basic
. .
self-wnl1dencil. .....
. .,. . '. . . . . ...
W!nnersllfenol afraid " 10 do.thei. oWn IhinkinS encllo ~~ir
own kll"",ledse. ~eY can aepa;raleJ.CIS from Ql!lnion"ana don'l
pretend 10.have' .lIlbe a_era. T~ey lislen. 10 oUlera, .evaluale
.
whalthey say. bul co!1\e '10 their "",n conclusion$. AljlaQiI~lwin.
nm can admire .nd tespecJQlher plQPle, Ihey:are n"IIQt.IlY""
filled,demQlished,
.
bQund,Qrawed by them. '. ..
.
WhIners 00 nOlpl.y "helpless."neir 00 theypl.y Ihe" bla\llillS
S.me.lnste ed ; they ...u me. responsib ilhYfQrtherr QWn lives.
They'(\() nclt's'v" Qthera.false .uthQritjr . ,. . are.
.. . . . . . QVerthem'. Winners.
theit o.wn Ix>Ssennd kllQ\Vit. .
". '.'
.,'
'. A wi!lner'slill1.iltg
is ripll. Winnersresp<ibd .ppr<>pri.\Cltlo the'
8IluatiQn.Their rCSj'Ollles.re relite,dlo t!ie'm se:~nt a;ndpre-
serve th silJ\ific.nce, wonh, well-beins. .nd di",ity oflhe people.
invQlved.Winnets knoWthat for ev..rylhinSthere is . IC8SQ1I .
..nd
forevery.i:tivity. time.' .

. ;oj I .
'I"'~ 10 b. aggrUli..a~da II",. 10 be [H.usi.e;
/
A lim.l.o b'lo~~htf anda.li,,!.,IONa/l1n., .

\
 . .'
AIthoUP:~pl~~ ~\09.io..meY siC~ ""'" ~1jiles$'"
IDtallydependent on iheit. ~n\llroll!llent...W\nJiOrS
~

\
 4 ,SORNTO ,
"'IN
make 'the triullitioDftom IOtal helpleS$ness 10independem:e, and
thCl\ to interdependence, Losers do not SOmewhere along the'line
they begiJllO avoid bpeomijlg mpolllible for their own lives.
" A. we have no,", few, people are IOtal winnel$ Or looers. ~,ost '

. Of them are winners in SOmeareas of their lives and loseJ1 in

, others. Theil' winlliDc or I,osing is,influenced by what happe"s 10 '

'1IIem ill, clUldhood, " " "',.'

, "',
A Iact of r~ 10dependenCy need$. poor nutrition, btutal-
ity; UltllappyreJtdonships,;disease, COJldnuing ~ppOinltnenlS;

,
_
inadequateph~

,,
expenen~ ,
~, ,and tralimali~ ev~nls are, among the
Y,~pen ' "~nces "tha:I COnlribil 1010
mlCrrupl. deler, or ~ltl
ing~e 10$01I,,Such
the normal p~g,rcss
,
,
_ ,

toward aulOno..". andselr-aClual4ation. To cope with,negallve ,

experi~nce..ch~ learn to manipulatethemmves and othel$: ,

11iesemanipul~live techniques are hard to give uplater in life and" ,

,
often become set patt.,.,.. Winners work 10 shed them. Losers
hang onto them. ,',
' '
'

SOllie losers .pei.k ofthem,eJ~e. as successful but lI\Xious, sue- "

. ~id but',trapped,or successful bUt unhappy, Othcors.~akof

theI!'Jelve'~lOtalJy bcslen,withciutplirpose; URabl.. to mo~,
half dead, or bored todealb. Losers may not reoognize t,ha~ fOr
the m,ost part. they have been buildiog their own cage.., dipg
i
lhI:ir OWl!graves. and boring themselves,' , '
,

A loser seidom'ljves in, the presen~ but, iostealldestroys.the "

'
I
~t,
by focUsing On'pUt merrtbries, or future expeCtations. The
"

toiler who Uves in the past dwell. on th~ good old dq$ or 1>"past
Personailltisfortunu.. NOstalgically, tbe loser. either clings!,> the
,

way things "used t<1he" Or b.moan. his or ber b,ad.lutIc,The Josef

il seif.pitying illil s6:ifts the respolllibility for an. unsamf"""""
, , ,

life onlO ollte.., BI"""ng others and excusing <1n!'$Clfare oI'II:n

, pUt0fth.1ose ,'.m... A loser who lives'in the past,may 1_01
,1/01//1'
'''If 011/}'Iliad inarried someone else
, ,"'
, "lfOllly I had a ,dil1'er.ntjob, , ".,"
"lfQllJylhad,liniih.dscbool. : ..' " .
..,hnl,Yl had be.n~a~m. " .. ,"
(b.auliful)
"Ifonlymy spousehail stopped'drinking '. ,"
,
. "If only I 'had been born riclI., ,~'
"If only I had had beuerp&renls, "
 .
.\

. , . ,-
. __lAW>
. . 5
. Pcol'lewho '
live in the fUture may <\Ram of """,e miracle after..
which they Call ~live haPJrily evp after Rather than. pUl$uing'
,th~r own lives. 1_1$
wonderful iifewiJI be w~:
wait-waitforthemagical_.
flow I
..
"
,.~~~~I'C~~orth!~lwoin8JI@laJIYcom~. ':7.
..'

WliCII.SchoollS.o~. .., ,'. , '.

. ''WhentlielUda~wup,';...,' .
.' . ".
,'. ''WII~ii!/HIt ~
.
jol> open&.. ,,'.
.':Wh~the~~,;. ."~'
"~e..my ~P~.nc.irr..
.
....
." . I.
"
11\centr8$llo trWsr:who ,liv,ewith th'''lelusicin<>f" in.pca),~ .
C1!C..omeIOlel$live~tIYlU1dcithe4re!'doffUlUre~, '
".,
JIII"...TheyconjurivllpexpelitatiQIIS
.. of"'ftat!l"
, '"
. ',. ", ,
"..' '''. ~Ii

"What if liose my jOb . .~

"
, '

","Wliatiflloae my mind:" ....

,
."WItaI.ir~1\1iDg falb'onmc. . ," .;' ..':,
'
"WJ,Iatifl ~ myleg.. ,". ",
,
"What if tI\ey .d!In't like nte . .'~ " '

_ . t~Whatir.l~.e.a,~,..,." ,~,)"

BV~~~UallY (oCUtingOll ~~IU~..th;.e~. eX~_:> :.~,

anxkty in the preo.citt.They~ anJIioilsoverwhatthey~1! .':.
. '
-,-eiiherr.al.oriina8iMd-tesIs,!riIlP!'ying...loveaffair.cris!&;iI1'c<,
ness, relirentent, the weather. arid so fort\loPersons IWfftylll" . ,
valved,!liith iInil~ letth. actU"lj>osiibllitiCJ~fthemliUlCi>t.'
.'
pass them by. TheyOCl:l1~th~ m~wilb mateliil1that ~ fiTele-
,
1'..,1 10 the Clrn'enl si\1il\llon:NiX\ety tUnes oUI cutrentl'Cll\ily.
'.Consit<Iucntly.th$ .people iaclllU!bIc10sed for thelllSClves.~\.',
lorlhem..IVC8,fcclfor~\VC8,.Qr tU\C, w\ldl,m' ~J~' .
tlJemselves..', , '.
.

diY~nt::.~~.~~~~IO~~
'. '.'
'''. ' '

:,j
They _ ,.~Ives .II!d()lll'fSt\lrOllp A prismllb'~ ,
.
'q.cir.ilbIllty.tdd~ietTec:tively, with ~rcelWQ'l'Id~ haJnperCd. .
L~n ~dll\ucIt 9ft\lcirtiJtlepl.y'aCII..g.
~4iq..
nipillalins, alldpelpC~g<lld ro}eIfroJI.I""lIdhood;Loimiti-.
vCsit\lcirCIICl1Y.inmailltaiDiatmAlb. ol\ea ptOjectint ~ jIboO.jI,.
front. K~H<II1iCYWri~ ''ThefO~lIoft\le pIIOnyseltis
. ~
'. ,..',~
 6 BORN TO WIN
ways at1h.e ~xpense afthe real self. !he lalter being tr~ated,with '
disda.in. albestlil<e a pQOr.rdative" {~j.To th.eplay-aCli~g loser,
perfonnance i~'often more impottant than reality.
,
,
,,'

,'"

Losers repress their caPacities1<>~xpress Sj1Ofttaneolislyand ap.-

L propriately thefuU ran~ of possible behaVior. They maybe un-
aware Of other "pIioits,for a more ,prO\iiJctive.setf-ti1lfillinglife
.palh.toseI'.lare afraid, to, tryli~ things ..d iluteall ,!tIai,ntain
tliein>wnstatusquo. Losel'$ are ripeat r.peatingllot.Q1\Iytheir'
ownmistilkes, bUlofleotjlos. ,oftheir faniiJies aM...ltJireaSwelt.
'A loser h,asdit1i~lty giving a'lil 't~iYing IIIT~ &I\~does
oQi enter, into intimate, h!!1les\;"irCct~/iI,,~ps w.i\hothw.
lftStead,aloser tries 10matiipulaJe them in'totivii.g,upto his orh.er
e"pectations. Lose~' energiesarebften channeled inlo'livlJ)gU,P
II) t{t~e~lions <ifl)lbel'${3}." .
,'" ..',,'
,feople who are losersare nOlusing,lheir iitlell~t ~priaJely,
. but ~tead are misusing it 10rationalize aDdinteliectualitj!. WIi.FD
" nilio\laijzing, 100el'$giv.e excuses to make Iheir actions seem plan-
.sible. .When intelleetualizin$o Ihey try to sno\v.otIJers,vith ver-
. biage.,Consequently, ml\Ch'of theirpi)tential remaiJtsdQ\'illali~
unrealized; and ,unrecognized. Like'the trog-J>rin<'O,
in tlte fairy
..Ie, Ip~ are spellbound, and live'.lheirliveSbeiDg 80mething
liter a(eit:t meant to be. ' '

"

.~FOR CBJ\.NGE,
A1Jel'loilwho w'atitsto discover,~ndclulnge a"lo.smg.~~:~ who
wants.lo betQlne more like Ihe 'winner he or'she \Vasborn to I>e"
c&II,uaegeSlalt'lype e"perimenls anI/transactional 1utaly.isto
,
make change happen. These are fWonew anp excUing psychologi-
calJiPprQacbes 10human prob~ The fil'$t jI,oasgiven new life by
Dr, Frederick perls;the second was developed by Dr; Eric. Betne;
~Iswas.born in Ge,rmany in 18?3 and left the country when
H,idercame in'" power.Betne was b<!rn in MontrealjD 1910. Both
melt "'~re IW,oed as Freudian, i>sYI:hoanalysts, .biIth b&:okea.wi.y,
I'ro!nlhe I!se <>f<>rthQdoxpsychoanalysis;bothfounct thei,r gtW-, i
e$\P"pul.tity and 'ICI'q>\&nc.eindt~ Ubi~ States. W~ have stUd~ I
iedwidt both Berne and PerlS; and we lik~theiI'methodsbecause
. '.1eit lI1eIhods'w<!rtc. . , ,"
11\,Ibis book we\1Qpe 10 show h!lW4leIl\C0ty of transactional
alllllysi&, stlppl tttletJ by experiments we bave peraonally de-
signed and othCl'$which were derived froDigatalt therapy. can be ,
"
 , . .,
. . w'fIIMr#'~_L&!trl 7.
.'
, usedto.!ttv~l()partd'''I.ndilPc~'s...willl\ini slrealt."We.~.
lievetlial,~eryone.,..alleaslin ~m. phaseof hiS.Ofher.bu n-.
winner: 10be mal pe!""n, an alive ,
.. ~..,haall!~11"tenlialt,,~:~ .. . ., ..'
p~n; ap,~via:rcpe.r$On'
. .. "
 8 BORN
" TO WIN '
A.nd: laking risks is risky 100
Too i-julio consider. (5]

'S9meofihe methods common in gestall Jherapyarerole- '

PI~Yillg,exaggeration o(symploms or behavior' use ol'tantasy, the

'principle of Slaying with the immediate monlenl, which is the ex.
,perienee of"bemginthe now,"lhe u",ofth. word "I"rathes than
,"II"as'a way 10 assume responsibility for bchavior;tearnillg how
10talltJo r)llher than al someone, becoming aware of bodily '

es, andlearntng 10 "Slay,wilh feelings" u\ltil tiJey are undt!r$lOOd

and inltgrated (6). , ,",,-
, 1:hi lliosl difiicult method for many people 10Undetstatid is
Perls' spe,cialized form of role-playing. Rote-playing is nOlneW k>
psychological practi!;e. As early as I~ Dr. Jacob Moreno ",as
workillgon this ",eihod froin which have emerge4tmuiy fOrms ~f,
, ~up encounler and Irealment. He cOined the, wo~ "psycho-.
drama" in 191910 desc;ribe how he directed people lo,tai<e onlhe
identilies of olhers and 10 aCloulllteir p"!&lems CromdilTerenl ,

poltilSofview(7]. ,',.
,
,',,'
."
,III, conlrast,to Moreno, Perls rarely uses otlter people to.!Ole-"-
pla~wlth,his palient. He claims these olher:> would "!Jrillgin/,kir
awn fantasies, Iheir own' interpretations" [S}. The(efore; Perl~,...
quires thepalieht to illlOJine and act oul alllhe pans. HdOC)lies ,
on how ''''epatienl is acting: now. nOI On Ihe ",hy of the palienl's
behAvior: ' , '

,, "
',,'

Although many arrangeinslS can be used for this ttrid.ofrole-

.. ~. playing, Ih~hairtechnique is uniquely Perls', His, props .,., (I)
.Ihe ~'hot"'al." a cltairf.;r lite patienl whd chllO IO"wotk," (2)
'. an empty chair facing the patientOhto which thepatienl projects
,

hisor her many selves, and(3) a box oftissues for .,.nny n,osesand
,
tearful eyes.,
. "
The "hot-seal" melhod was ">ed wilh a reacher
"
"
Who described
herself as friendly and "elpf"1 yet couldn'i understand why $he
CItad Close frie n ds.Although Sbe denied an Y angry'feel ings.
,
"" expressions SIt. used. were "you'll be sOrry (or thai" and
common , ,,
,
, ,
, , '
, .

"I feel sorryfor anyon:elike you." OIIten beatdtbis as~atetti1'lg

and lIosr;le." ,
,"
, Whenlhis woman toIe.playedher
','
fragtn~nled pans. $he acted
,her "liiendly: self". from Ihe hal-seal and ill8lgined her "allgTy.
self"oblhe opposile chair. She switched c1)aiis when sbe switdled '

roles and !loWlybegan a ~ialogue: "

....
 W{irnm a,1til-LT _, 9.
Ho/-seal: t don't ~now why I'm;~re.,I'Di
. always friendly
aid helpful. .
'.
Op!,<,s/(ecila/r: You do 100 know ..hyyou''''; here. Yo~ d01\'1
have any friendS. .1
t ca,n'iundersland i!.rn.always doing Il!i~
for people. ' '.' '.
.'
:, .
"
j)pf'(Jsite'chaii":T.i)at's:the tf9~l)le with you. Alw.y.,,"i~,
~lIeIpfurHan.I!,"You hII\<t~eryI>oIiY9\)1i.
.. ,.
.ptiJdt9'you,,' ",,;' ~,
lnashOr\'funeth.teache6vbiceerewshrillafid!ill1d.\y&el\ ~e".'; '.
_ in me h<!t-$i!al,She .trUCk OU! iJ!S1the"help(ul1i!atiM'li'>cr

~
, ',commenl: Alii"'!!, al&,r o..n a '. ..siven..." she. ~om.menl~"'*;.'
Aisbelief,'hever knew I co,. reel so all~':'AlmousJtj)\h~r'"
people ¥ad ..en this,\"pe<:lOfh~ l'Ooo.nalilyC\Uileofte",jh\...~
,

::~: .
:',. .
the fii1ttil1\O she admiuedt<> he, opposites .ofanger a:ndhelpfIII'
,
. 'n~her polarities. . .' ','
,",.,',
".'
/-
*
. "."
,~etim.. people "
aWa~ OfonlyoM \>ftlieirpdlts,a$Ut(\1ir:'fJ.:j ,

,;i.f:t~~,:a:~::~JO:;~iki: ~~Ze~~e~:~"::'iI!~~j,;i'
pres~on/' or "I'm eitl!er angry andaggre$Sivo' or' afraid a full<il" ',.,
.
'..'".,'"
dO~bl." ..,
. " '.. '..' "'. '.,.,".
'. Apersonwhosepersonalily!s(ragmentedbypol.ritalion~r/:,"'"
"
ales ilt an ~ither~OtmaMe~...eitherarrO"nl Or'wpr\,hle~.It~ ';;
or tyTaIJn.~al,w,~~ or r'&bIIIOUS. A person ,whoISsllld< ~~,~: .',F::
. ~pa$$.:ofsuchoppbsingf~s is fighting an inlernali~~t.;Br
""'.' , ,".,
usiilf!~1.'role'playillgtechniq..elheseopposin8 f,9n;e.callJ!aVe
;1 O.UI\Vilh each other, forgive, ea~h olher. compromise. or al\ea$I' '
come \0 know each olher, ," ' .'.
, Using the dOllbIe:tliaJriechnique, people '.~ clove\tjp!in .
~aren!;SS oftbeir fraplltt<! parts by starting a dialogue and "-rc
al:\ing 0111jia.riolls roles;switdling' cbairs ",ith eac1i~wi1dl iAM<i(,
Tbc;roIt players may bej>eop! as theYl\I'e ~,or asc;hildl'ellJ",'
l!Samqlber, "\her. ,spouse;ot ~ 'T1\erolepla)'ed Qlay~¥
physica1~lDptom$";lIk;ers..hea!la~,'ba~adies. .iw~II\)',p'II~ .
palpitalmgbeans.,'th~ mil)' even be objtcts en~ntcite'ltilla
. '<iream,siII:h as a pi~ 'orturilil1ltO. "n anift\at, a winOOw..
.Role"p~)'id. with the use o(lhebw)cal, eJin'lIlsobe !IiIOcito
c:iaiity anyrelatfons\tlp ¥\W~peQple. T~ do_o!!e pena'"
imagines ""other pers\1n".n the 0ppostle dla'r.;Tbe persollrspealtf
"
 10 ,
,

BORNTI:> WIN "

,
.
'
to this other, sayillg what\really on his orhermiJid,'The'person
the!, beco~s the otber...nd responds. In this ProCess un.spEikell~. ,
sentmenl£ and affection often come, to the sur(ace, where they.can
,
' ,
beundel'ltood anciresolved.,
,: YatiOus parts 0(10 dream~ " ' ,
alsQ'" !>c-IO~;p1ayed !O pill self.
aw~ness. Aecording toPerls, the dto;al1\ is,"iii<; royall'QaJI 10 in~ ,i
tegratiQn" (9J. , "'.
.' ,

' " '" "

, ,
. . ;.
. . . .'-, :.' '
-', -': -"',
. ,;""~ . ,.IIth<:
- - '- "- '.' -
"
. ditTerentpattsoJ
"-
are fraa the dr.""
'" of i!i1r perio1IAlitjeS.
~:~ur aifnistOm~e:cvery~n~orusaw11cJ1esqme,-":Cnon; W~ch:~Jt5
a unif#penon. w;dtoolcontli~.what Iveb.~ to do is put th.~etent
fraamCnMf the dr.am wgethet'. We have 1O:""ow,tbcse~j"'tOd;'II'a.$'
mfIIled parts of OUrp-,naIit}', and ,...",. tliebidden patenti/IIth!'ta:p-
,
,pc.ninth<:dream(I~~,', :'
~ . . ,
, '
"per-
'Or: pUIariolh<orway,,all Ihe,dream is Ihedreal1\er.'Each
"
and h Ihmg in Ihe dfeamis some a~~! oft~e d~I'I\<".By
1'Q1.e'J>layingthepcJlple In the drealn, tbe o'6Jec15In th"'4ream;or
eV~1Ia dread! C1'1lPent, the .,,!stenna! mi!$Sage thatthccjr<o8l1l
'boidscanbcunIOcliC<!,IIDiby .nalyl,ingi~but bj'relivi1lg it
For example. one manh.d a...,w:tiitg d,realn in",bic~,there
,was,a}wiysadesk.When:as1<ed toim.gine,himself~ this~ of
'f\ll'!litute he muttered, ~HowsillYif'm ltotadesk,"1Vith a ,,".of'
encourar.rnenthegotover hissla-ge ftighiand started hiSp'd'OI'.
,mance.
, I.am. big desk, I'm sluffed full of other peopl~'things.
P<iople pire things 01\ me, write OQme, poke m~ with,peIt.,T~ey
just use:it}e and I can't m~ve;,,", ..n Latefhe¥id, ','That's m~;>'an
right! Just like ades!< I tetev.rybodY use me, and IjusisitlltC1t'"
In ges(alttlt~rapy people gain, both emotional ,and inteUectual
insight. hut Ihemethods focus on the former, Emotional aware-
'ness is Ihat moment of self-discovery when a PCfsol'$ilys "ohalt."
Perl. describes the ".hah" e"pedence as':. .. . whatliappe,!'as;
whenever something elicks, falls tl'to ,place; each Jim., a gestalt
closes,tliefe isthis'allah1'ciick, dteshoc~ ofrecognition:' Ill). In.
teltettuallnsight CO'1Ieswijh'the galheringof data;'
. ... '.
'-
\ BRIC BERNE AND TRA)lSACTlOI'IAL Al'lALVSJS
I
In transactional analysis people gain bbth,~motional and intellec.
tual i05i/lht.but the method focuses on tbelalter, It is a.thinking,

, ,
 .12 ,BORN TO'i+:tN
.
most;pcople can understand,.and ,pul to use. Itencourages the. use
ofwor.-.tbl1t are simple. direct. and aftenoollG'Iuialiostead of
psyeholo$ieal. scientilif words, or jargon. For example, the major
parts"fthe personality ~calledthe Partn,'.
,
AdM!t, and Child eg<s.,
state$.' . ,". .
.'t, ..-r.ansactional aiial~is is .. tationaJappfoach to understandIng
bobaviot and iJ based on the assumption that ~Il iadividuals .can
leamto trust themselves, thin!(. fo~ the~t!lves, maltetheir OWn
d~sions, and express theit' feelings. ItsprinciAles cantle aPpliei!
oath. job. i.DAhehome, ili the c!illSloom, in theneighboth"'1~
wherever ~ple ~il with ~p1e.
.'
. " . .
BemC,$ays an important goal of tranliaclionll\
'.
analysis is ''to oS'.
tablishtb. most !Jpen,aridauthentic commuaicatii>n~bletle.
, tween the arfective and intelleclUal componellts. of the pe...,nl1li. i
tY'114l Wjlen this happetjs. thepelSQll is able to use both em'" (

tioPs IlDdintell..~ not jIHt.OI!eallhe expense of the 0lher}3esta'll

techniques
. ~1lD' Process, particulady at the .feelins
ai!Qol!;fate:1Iie
.
.level. .. ". .'
. In thi~bookeacbcbapterhl1Sexe~ and expetimentsti)at,ate . :
designed 10 'assi$t you in perso!1ally applying ihe thcory. We I
I
sUS$CStIhat>asyou comp\ete .each chapter, you read through tlie
.experimer\~ and exercises related tQ il.'pc, what seemS .possible
aad inleresting im/liediately. Then at 'a later tilRe..oomplete what
, , ,
is r.elevant.~to you.' I '

,
.. '
.'
, ,

A p~rson who i~ not a~ate of how she or'he acts or feels is impov~
erishec!. Lacking a core Qf,confidence, sach a personf1uctuales
betWeen conf1iClingin!1er forces.. This person is
I","" than whole,'
haVing alienated parts of the self4ntellect, emQtibns, creative.
ness, body feelings, Qr $<Ime particular
.
behaviQr. A perSQn wM be.
cOmes awate and' moves, t<>ward.becOminga whole . person is
..liriched, . . . .
. People who "deCtdeto beci>itt..ItIQr~ Qf a willner than ,a loser
allow such insights. Through tJ>e1nthey discOver thai they can
rely, InQte and 11)0", oi\theit i>wrrcapacit.i~s for sensing and malt:
ing judgment'" Tb~y continue tQ discover anelrenew themselves.
FQr them, lif, consists notin getting more I$ulin being more. Win-
n are glad to be alive.! . .
 .
Winners andLo." .
13

EXPERIMEms AND EXERCISES

1. Trait CheckJiat '

Mov~quickly th",ugh the. following Ifst of t(aits, Use a c&~ck ,

'mark.( ) besid~ th"s~ that fil your s~lf,itnaa~. Us. a cross (x)
to ,,!ark thos~ thai do notfit.Us~ a qu~stion mark (1)to indical~
th,cones thai'you'r~ unsure about. '

./ .
'

"

~
,,'"
-Lik~ mys~lf, n'l'hold ,a job
~Afraid of or hurt by Trusl my.~lf '.
< o)h~rs \r\",
',. ' ?";UsuaJly say Ih~ wrong
, .£'P~opl~ can trust m~ ";hing
,LPU! up a good front. 'LEnjoy p~pl,

. lam
'-~el bad about mys~lf ', '

V"F~arfut of Ih~ futur~ /XDiscouraa~d '

aboullife
){D~pendenl on o'hers for fDon" lik~ 10 be around
, ~Opl~
~wasi~
;d' eu

tim~'
. -
,A
Hav~ not d~y~lop~d my "
.,f )IIlenlS '

~se my tal~nlS "

~Glad I'm Ih~ sex I am

Think for mvs~lf X
.,£:.::.. Ot\ en d 0 th e wrong
<'>
1,1
..' I. th..Ing'
'
~Know my f~~lings . I
nvove '
~I communily, probl~ms d In
'
.
sovlng
I
,
.

LDon't und~rstand mys~lf" '.

,

",

' "

-'-F~~I h~mmed in ¥Peopl~ lik~ 10 be around

'/
-.,.Us~ tim~ w~lI m~
' "

.:;Lpwpleavoidm~ vi:.
Comp~l~ntonIh~job I
::L'Disinter~sl.d in -/'-ContrOl myself
.fcmmunity probl~1!Is
,,
~I
' SnJoy
'
/
Ih~
., '
'
-Enjoy work "A , '

,/ , T
F.roub I~ controlhng r"yself
'
'
'
"

natur~
t;.EnJOY , ,f\Don'( lik~ mys~lf
Don't ~njoy work '
14 BORN TO WIN
Now look at those traits you have marked.
. Is
. there a pallern~
Arc they winner traiis, loser traits, a mixture?
. What traits would you' like to' ciWIgc?
As you read throup the book, come back .to Ibis checklist.
Look over the traits you've marked and change what you de-
cide.tochange.

J. WilUter/lAMr Coatin.um
ludging from how you feci about'yourself, what you have &c-
compli&hcd in your life, and wbt your relationships are 'wilb
<>thers; rate YO_If somewhere alCing the foUowingcontin-
uum. Think of one end of the continuum as a tragic loser and

.
the other end as a totally sUlUsslb1 winner.
How do you feci about yourself?

.
Loser' Winner
How do you feci about what you have accomplished in yeiur
'tife?
Loser Winner I
. Howdo you feel about your relationships with others? -
Loser Winner
. Are. you satisfied with where you placed yoursclfl
. If nOl, what ~6uld you tile to ch...g~?

a. ftc)Ie,;Playiagau Iaaer Dtalo....

The next time you ~'t I
g~t to sleep, can't cOncentr~te, ca~'t its--
ten to someone else because you have a dialogUe going round '\
aJ;KIround in your head, become, aware of the essence of the I
conversation. . I
' I
. Listen to it. Who is tailing in your head? Are you talking to ~ I
particular person? '
 ,Will"! 4Jfiti ~ 1,5
. Now 'bring this conversationout in the'DpeD.Set t\Vochairs
racing each other. UsingPerls' role-playing method, speale
, this conversationalo~d. Switch
.
from one chair to tbe olher
.
when it is appropriate.
. Toy to bring this dialogue to some kind .or' conclusion.

'-

:.
2
An Overview of
Transactional Analysis
The aazy person says, "J am Abrah~m- Linci>ln,'Jand
the neurotic ~ys. ..[ wish I were A braha,m Lincoln.'J _ ,"

and the healthy person says, "I am I,and you are you., "
Frederick Perfs [I)

Many people come to,a time in theitlives when they are provoked
to define themselve$. At such a time transactional ;:analysisoffers a
frame of reference that most 'people can understand and put to use
in their own lives. This chapter provides a,'brief overview of TA
theory and its.applications [2J. Subsequent chapters consider each
phase in depth. ,...
Transactiodal analysis is concerned with four kinds of analysis:

Structllral Analysis: \he analysisofindividilal person&Jity.

r'DllSDC/ional A nalys;s:._ the analysis of what people do and
say to one another.
Game Analysis: the analysis of ulterior transactions
leading to a payoff.
Script Analysis; the analy';' of specific life draD)as
that perrons cOlI\pulsively play ou~

IN'taODUCTJON TO STRUCTURAL ANALYSIS,

Structural analysis offen"one ..ay of answering the questions:
Who am I? Why do I act the way I do? How did I Bet this way? It is
a method ofanalyzinga person's thoughts, feelings, and behavior,
based on the phenome.na of ego SIalAA.(3).
16
 An Overview of Tr;lnsaci"al Analysis 17
Imagine a mother loudly scolding her noisy, quarrelsome chil-
dren. Her face wears a scowl. Her voice is shrill. Her arm is tense
and held high in the air. Suddenly, the phone rings and she hears a
friend's '~oice. The mother's poslure, tone, and expression begin to
change. Her voice bc;comes weD modulated Her. once tense atI'm
lies qllietlyin her lap.
Imagine two factory workers angrily arguing with each other
about a work problem: Their argUment is animated and fierce.
They look like two children fighting o>:er a piece of candy.. Sud-
denly, they hear a cr,ash of steel followed by an agonized sc~m.
Their enliredemeanor changes.-Their argument isdropped. Their.
angry expressions give way to concern. One hunies to see what's
wrong; the other calls an ambulance. According to the theory of
structu£al analysis. the workers. as well as the mother, cl!anged
ego states.
l" . .'
Berne defines an 'ego stafe as UA consistent pattern of feeling
and experiemie directly related to a'corresponding consistent pat.
lern of behavior" (4]. Berne writes:'
. . ; inlhis ~pecltbe brain functions'like a lape recorder 10 preserve com~
plete experiences ill serial sequence. in a form recognizable as "~,go states"_ .
-indicating.tbal ego stales comprise Ute natural way of experiencing and of
recording experiences in theit IOlalily. Sir.nullaneous~y. of course, experi-
.
ences are recorded., in. fragmented fotms . . (5). ,
Theimpl~cations are that a person.s experiences are recordedlD
the brain ~d nervous tissue. This includes everything a ,person
experienced in childhood and .incorporated from parent figures,
perceptions of events and feelings associated with these events,
and -the distortions brought to memories. These recordings, are
stored as though on videotape. They can be replayed, and t\t~ .
event recalled and even re~experienced.' .
'
Each person has three ego states which are separat~ and distinct
sou rcesofbehavior: the Parent ego stale. the Adult ego sta te, and
the . Child ego state. These are not abstract concepts but realities:
.
"Parent, Adult, and Child,represef\t real people who no,!" exist
0'
who once existed, who have legaInames and ciVic identities" (6).
.
The structureof personalityis diagrammedon the following
page. . ,I.
Ego states are colloquially termed Parent, Adult, and .Child;
When capitalized in Ihis book they
.
refer to ego slates, not to actual
.parents,adults,or children.
The three ego States are defined as follows:
 18 BORN TO WIN

The Paren/.ego slaJe contains the attitudes and behaviorincor. .

porate,d. from external sources, primarily parents. .Outwa~4Iy, it
often ISexpressed ~oward oth~rs ,in prejudicial~ ctitical. and nur.
turing ~havior. Inwardly, it i~ experieaced as old Parental mes-
sages which 'COntinue to influence the inner Child.
rh~Adull egoslale is not 'related to a person's age. It is oriented
'I
to currenl reality-and the objective gathering of information. It is I

organized. adaptable, intelligent, and flmctions by testing reality.

estimating probabilities, and computing dispassionately. ,
. The Child ego Slale contains all the impulses that come natural-
ly to an infant. It als<>contains the recordings of the child's early'
experiences. responses, and the "posit1on," taken about self I\I1d
others. It is expressed as "old" (archaic) behavior from childhood.

Ego State Structure ShripUfierl Diagram

When you are acting, thinking, feeling as you observed your

parents to be doing, you are in your Parent ego state.
When you are dealing with current reality. gathering facts, and .
computing objectively, you are in your Adult ego stat,e.. '
When you are feeling and acting as you did .when you were a
child. you are in you, Child ego siate.

Caoe UIUlltratioD
A client was advised to investigate a private school for his
s<>n.When he reported his findings about the school where
 An {fteryin,o
of TrtuuatfU4/
AII",,,,IJ .9
'heleaching was informal and crealivily enoouraged, three
distinct reactions 'were easily observable. firs\, he sCowled
and said, "I c,an'lsee how ""yone,oould learn anything al thaI
sehooL There's eJ,irton the floor!" Leaning back in his chair,
his forehead smoolhed bul as he reflected, "Before I decidei I
Ihink I should check on Ihe school's Scholastic rating and talk
,10 some of the parenls." Thenexlniinu~, a broad 'gnn
, crossed hisface,and'hesaid, "Gee, I'd 'ove to have gone to a
schpol6ke lhal!' '

When quenedabOul his responses, the' clienl readily analyZed

Ihal his firsl was the way his falher would have responded. His 5e9"
,

. and was,his Adulliookmg for more data. His third was his Child
recalling his own unhappy ",hool expo rience and imagining the
fun he mighl have had at a school such as the one hc':Visited.
, ,

Before making a final decision, he pursued his Adull 'questions.

Subsequendy,' his son allended Ihis school, is curn:ndy having a .
good time th~, and is achieving well beyond his former level:
Acoording to structural analysis, e""h person may respond to a ,
spocificstimulus in quite distinct waysfrom each of the ego states;
sometimes these ego' states are in ,concert, sometimes in conf1icL
leI's look at the following exan/ples., .,' ' ','
,
To a stimulus of a piece of modem an
Parent: GoOOgrief! Whal's it supposed to.",,! '

Adult: ThaI COSI$5350 8ccording to the price tag.

(hi/d: 000, whal prelty color!
, .
To a requestfor an office report '.
Parent: totr. Brown is nOI cuI OUIto be a. superviSOI.
Adull! I know M", Brown needs Ihese by five o'clock.
Child: No matter whall do, I can'l please Mr. Brown. "
To an act of violenceon the nreet .
Parent: It serves lhat girl righl f~r being oul so late.
Adult: I'd better. call the police.
Child:' Say, is this ever exciting!
To being offered a piece of chocolaJecake ...hendle/ing
PLATE"r
EVERYONE HAS THREE EGO STATES

Critical behavior often comes

from the Parent ego state.
.-
22 BORN TO WIN
Parent: Go ahead, honey, it will keep up your energy.
Adult: That piece of cake must have atleast 400 calories. I think
I'll skip it..
Child: What yummy cake! ! could eat the whole thing.
To a crash of rock music \

Parent: That horrible stuff kids listen to tod:,v!

Adult: I~s hard fot me to think.. or talk when the music is so
loud.'
. .
Child: That makes me want to .dance.
To the late arrival of a young woman secreta.ry .
. Parent: Poor thing looks ~ if she hasn't slept a wink. .

Adulu If she doesn'r make up her time, the other employee,

will be di tisfied.
Child: I sure wish I could take time off for fun.
TQ,a lecturer using four-letter 'words .
Parent: Using such expletives only shows. a weak voca~u1ary.
Adut/: I wonder why he chooses those wor4s to ItSCand what
their effect is-oil the audience.
Child: I wish I dared to talk like thc.~

To the smell of cabbage

Parent: Cabhage really keeps the family heallhy.
A dull: Cabbage has high vitamin C onntent.
Child: Nobody's going to make me eat that sunky stuff.
To anew male acquaintance putting his arm around
. 'you
Purent: Never let a stranger touch 'You.
Adult: I wonder why he's doing it?
Chi/d:He scares me:'
.
People can feel, smell. tOUch, speak, listen, look, alld act from
.
each ego state. Each ego state has its own programming. Some
people respond from one ego state more than from the others.
People, for example, who .,tend to respond mOst often from their
 \
An O-,erjjew'ofTrrJUlJCtIJ,QI Ana!\-'.~s > 23
'Parent ego state vi~ the worid as they. observed their parentS
viewing il. In tbis case tbeir ability 10 sense Ibe world forlbem-
selves is diminished or distOrted. '

DEVELOPMENT OF EGO STATES

When first' '~ril, lhe -infant's awareness is centered on persona.!
n""ds and comforts. Tbe ~by ...ks to avoid'painful experiences
and responds atlbe feeling lev.el. Almost immediately the infant's
.
unique Cbild ego slate emerges. (Prenatal influences on Ibe Cbild
ego state bave-not yet been determined) .' .
Tile Patent ego state develops next. It is often first observed
wben the young cbildplays 'at paret1ting, imitatirig. paret1ta1 bebav-
.' iQr. Sometimes 'it's a shock for parents to see ihemseJves
.
being
played back. Sometimes they are very pleased
The. ..,dun ego state develops as tbe cbild trie. to make sense, out
'of the world and figures out tbat otber peo.ple can be manipulated.
Tbe.child. may ask, "Why do I have toeat when I'm not hungry'!"
and may try to manipulate olbers By faking , ~ stomacb ache .in
'order',to avoid eating.'

Case lIluot tion

. .
Sheri, aged tWe~ty-two months, received- a dolt'-strol1er at
Christmas. She tried to climb into it saying, "Me, baby." It '1
was too small. She then tried putting her doll in. The doll fit.
.Sher! squealed. uMe. mommy,'" and started to push thestrol- '
\

ler but soon grew tired ofpla)ing this part. Angrily she threw
the doll out, pushed over the stroller, righted it, and tried 10
get in again. Still she couldrtot fit. Frustrated, she put tbe doU
in oneemore.. She tried this switch four tiines. The~ appar-
ently deciding she wCStoo big, sbe settled for being .molT,my
'ond acted toward ber doll in ways ber mother acted t6ward
. ,
ber.
Shen's motherly behaviOr, an actual imitation of her mother,
wa~ from ber Parent ego state. Altbough in ber Child' ego state
Sheri wanted 10 be a baby,-'her emerging Adult ego slate collected
and processed obj~ctive data~lbat sbe couldn't fit into tbe stroller. .
'Any. situation may activate a specific ego state an4 soJIletimes,
PLA TE II
EVEN CHILDREN HAVE THREE EGO STATES.

.
Rational thinking from the.
Adult ego state.
.
 26 !lORN TO WIN .
as in !h~ case of Sheri. different -ego states, within a, person Vie for
control. Between two people, one "baby" confronted with another .

"b,a!>y" may tl)' to be a parent or may try to bi: a "bigger" bal!y:

1NTR0DUCTIOlV '1'0 AlVAL"YZING TRANSACTIOIVS

I
Any time one'person recognizes another with a smile, a nod; a
frown, a verbafgreeting. etc., this recognition, in Th language, is
called. stroke. Two or more strok~ make a transaction. All tran...
actions can be,classified as complementary, crossed, or ulterior [1).,

Complementary Tran8ac\io....
A co'mplementary transactipllO:ccnrswhen a message. ,sentfrom ~
specific ego state, gets tbe predicted response from a specifiC ego
state in the other person. .Beme describes a complemental)' tran....
action as one which is "appropriate and expeeted:and follows the
naturalorder of heallbY human relationships' [8]. for example. if
a ,wife :who.k grieyiog for her lost friend- is comforted by _a
sympaihetic husband, her momentary depenilency need .is an.
swered appropriately (shown in the diagram below). .

Wife Husbtnd.

,
i
A complementarytransaction can ocCur between ~y tWo ego i
states. For example, two people may transact Parent. Parent when
lamenti'18 their children's leaving bOrne; Adult.Adult when solv-
ing a ,problem; Child.Child or Pareno.Child when baving fun to.
gether. A person can transact from h,s or her Parent with any of
 Ail Oyeni,w 01 Tm_cIlIlIl An~y.ris 27
the ego s.ates ofimother person a~d can also do this withthe Adul!
and Child ego Slates.If the response is the expected one, the trans- .
action is complementary. The -lines of communication are open, .
. and the,people can continue ttansacting with onc,'another.
Gestures, facial expressions, bodY.1"'sture; tone of vOice, and so
forth, all contribute to the meaning m every tran"""tion. Jf a ver-
bal message is.to be completely understood, the reeeiver must take
into. consi!leralion the nonverbal.
,
aspects-as well as the spoken
words. .
TJI better .;nderstand the fJllldwing illustrations. we. must as-
sume that the stimulus isslraiglttforward and the verbal and non-
verbal m~es are congruelll Any illustration, is, at best, an edu-
cated gu To be totallyaccurale, the actual Parent, Adult, and
Child ego states of each persOn would need 10 be known.

Data Exchange in Adulll. Adult trans'

action Wig. 1.1)
I. What is the yearly salary for Ihis
. .
job?
.
.
2. It starts al $10,000.
Sympathetic .Porenll Parent lransac-
lion (Fig. 13) .
I. Those children really miss. their
falher. .

2. Yes,let's take lIIem to the park for

a little fun.
PlayfUl Child/Child transaction. (Fig.
1.4) .' .
I. I really lilc;eyou,
2. I like you, too.

Childl Nqriuring 'Parent /ransac/jon

(Fig. 1.5)
I. I'm so worried about myson I
can~tconcentrate on i?is- report.
2. You can leave work early to go by
. the hospital and see him. .I
I
I
28 BORN TO WIN
A IIgry ChildlLls/ening Adult feed-
back transaction (Fig. 1.6) .
I. I'm so mad I could throw t!Uidarn
typewriter 'out 'of the window.
2. Something made' you so .angry
you'd like to throw the equipment
around. Is that how it is?' I
I
In each of the above transactions communictuion is open because I
.
the response, given Were expected response. and were appro- I

'priateto the stimulus. This docs not always happen. Sometimes a

stimulus receives an unexpected or inapprop':iatc'response, and
tbe lines of Communi~tion become CfO$Sed. .

Crossed Transactions
When two people stand glaring at each other, tUrn their backs on
each other, are unwilHllg to continue traw.acting, or are puzzled
by what has just occurred berweenthem, it is likely that they have
jl,lst experienced a 'cro:;sed.transaction. A crossed,transactionoc..
I
curs when .an unexpected re~ponse is made to the stimulus. An in.. "I
appropriate ego state is activated, and the lines of transacting be. I

tween the people are crossed. At this poin~ people tend.to with:
draw, turn away fromeachother,or switch theconversationin ~..
other direction. If a husband responds unsympathelically 10 his
grieving wife, "Well, how do you think I fee!!" he is likely to cause
. .
her to turn away from him (Fig. 2.7).

,
.

I
Crossed transactions are a frequent source of pain between pea..
pie-parents and children, husband Imd wife, OO..a"d employee,
 ,
~

Alf 0""1",, o/TnuWIC'IMJ' Alflll",. 29

readier 8IId stUden~ 8IId 80 forth. The penon who iniliala a IIW-
actioll,expecling a certain response, does not gel it. The, individual
is a'QSscd up and often feels diJcounted and mis~ndentood.

Flgu,.,2.8
1. Boss: What time is it?
2.Seaetary: You're alwaysin such .
hurry~. ~'.

. Flp" 2.9
I.. ,Husband: . Can you take the. carlO

.
noon?, .
be serviced Ibis after..
.
2. Wife: Today 1Iron.,Johnny e~
. peets a birthday cak, The ' ,

cat has to go tothtyet,.

and nOWyou want II\e to. .
take the carin!

.
Flgu,.,2,l0
.1. Boss: 1 heeil 25 copi.s of ibis
~port for Ih. b9atd.
meeling this afternoon.'
Can you gel them for ~
2. Seael~: Aren'l you lucky you've
gOI me arou!'d to' lake
.
car. ~f you?

Flgu,.,2.11
I., Scientist A: TherJOmay be. 811m.
. variables...e havell'l
oontldered 'ror this
experimenL .
..
2. Scientis,1 B: So what, who cares .
around here? "
'30 .JJO~N TO W!N
Figu... 1..l2
'1. Wife: rd like to use the ear QD .
Weduesdey . !lighl and,
bave a pd visil with lilY'
sister.
2. Husbaud:' Gee; YQu'lIoverwam \0
talk to me.
Figu... 2.Jj
I. Supervisor: Havt you seeD the
Willows ""DIraC\,
Miss Smith?
2. File clerk: If you ran this de- .
parbDeDI the way
YOu're sUJ>P<!SC'd to,
you wouido'l 118ve
10 ask me wbore the
WiDows contract is.
.
Figu... 2.14 '. .
k John: Lei's h;ive~li!.n. .
2. Marcia: Cau'l youeve~ be ser;ous?'
1 .
Transactiops may be direct Orindirect, straighttorwardor di!ul-.
ed, intense or weak. bldirecr ITamact;ons are three...han~ One.
person speaks. to another while hoping to inl1uence the third jVho
can overhear II. For exaniple, a mau may be too fearful to speak
directly to his boss, so says something to a co-Worker, hoping the
boss will' "get the message." .
DiJuled lransaclions are often half hostile, half affectionate. The"
mtSsage is buried in some form of kidding. For example, one stu>-
dent may say to another., "Hey genius, when are you going to r....
ish that book? I waul to read it."The other may toss the book,
saying. "Here you are; butlerfingen. Catch il if you 0;00."
Weak/,an_lions are those thai artsuperticial, perfunetor}1.
and lack feelings of intensity. Such is the ease if a wife says to her
husband. :'1 wonder if we shoul" go oul fordirmer lonigh!," and
he responds, ."1don't care, dear. whalever you say, dear," .'.
1ft healthy relatiooships people transact directly, slraighifor-
wardly and,. 00 oc:easion; inlensely (9). These transactions are
eompJemeoU!ry aild free lrom ullerior motive..
 . An Owniril 0/ r""uactfHJI Anfll,-liI. 31

UlterIOr Tran..ction.
Ulteriortransaetions are the mOSlcompl.x.Th.y d,ff.r from COlD-
plem.ntary and crossed Iransaclions in Ihal th.y always involv..
mor.lhan two.go stal.s. Wh.nan ullerior m g. is.senl, il is
di,sguisedund.ra soci.lly a=ptabl. Iransaction. Such is the pur-
pose ofth. old cliche: "Would":l you like.tocom. up 10 seeJllY
. tchin~?"In this instance the Adu l! is v.rbalizi1!g on. thing ,...hil.
Ih.
. Child, with the use of innaeric;lo.
. is s.nding a diff.renllJlcssage
.
(Fig. 2.15). .
j.
..

..._---...----

If a cat salesman sayswilh a I..r 10his customer. .'TItit UiliIut

r lsportscar. bUIil may b. I~racy for you." h. isaending a
messag.lhal can be heard by eilher Ihl!cuslom~s Adul! or Child
.go .stale(see Fig.,2.16). If tb.e cuslomer's Mull h.ars, Ihe ~
spoqsemay be. ."Ves,you',. ripl. consi<1~ringthe r.quirements
ofl1lYjob." If the cUSlOm.r'sChild hears. the response maybe;'
.:~'1l,take it. It's ju~t what I W&J1t." .
..

..

An ullerior message is also giv...: wh... a secretary s"b",its a

lelter.with several typing .rrors 10the bOss.this1nvites lhe.boss to
. give the seer.lary a Par...tal put-dow.. (se. Fig. 2.(7). Th. ,ame. .
happ.ns wh.n a slud.nUs continUally.Ial. wilh assignme..ts, ab-
sent from clas',.writes ill.gibly,oUn some waYlptO'iokes'lh.
.quival.m of par.ntal erilicism,
 32 BORN TO WIN-

Th~ sam~ kind of ulterior Iransaction occurs If a man wbo bas

been a urefQ.nned"aIcobolit;comes to work with ahangever, but a
glimmer m bi. ey~, and 'boasts 10 bis co-worker, "Boy, I reaUy
blew illast night and drank my~lfunder the lable. Whala head
I've gol today!" On tbe surface he is givIjlg faclual Informaiion.
liowever, at the ulterior level, Ihe'alcoholic's Child ego slale)s
looking. for the Parenl in the olh~r to smile indulgenHy and Ibus
, . ,
condone his drinking. ' '
,
Instead ofa Parf;:Dtresponso,he maY'~ctivate
. his c:o-wQrkcr.s
Child ego slale, and he may respond by lal,lghing al the tragedy. If
the cO-work~r laughs; from either his Parenl or his Child ego stale,
he reinforces the (parental) injunclion, usually giv~n nOl/verbally
.to th~ alcoholic.(as a child), "G~t losl, you bum." This inappro-
,. pri.al~ laugh orsmil~ i.sdescri~d by Claud~ Slein~l8$ th~ gallows
t,ansactlon [1!)].Th~ smile serves to IIghlen the noose, and de-
'S\ruotive behavior is reinforced. ,
" '

Any 'milil!g response toa person's mi.sfortun,es may serve as a

gal!ows transaction. Such i.s the eas~ when
.' .
,
a teache, acts-amusedat a pupil's'.stupid ~.bavior:"
a moth~r laughs al her accidenl:pr~ne Ibr~-year-old,
a fath~r beams over Ih~ risks his son tabs.
 , A.~"T~A..,.. 3J'
These gallows transacti9J1S,:like olher tranSac:tiooS Wilh ulterior
mOiives, ate common among losers., Losers
,
use !hem 10 p(Omote
thdr psychologicalpmes.'

TBB GAdS PBO.,uPLAY

People play pSycIiological games With one anoiher tlUIIare similar ,

,10games,li& ,,!onopoly, bridge,or check that people play at

social gatherings. The play"," must know Ihe game. in order ,10 J
play-after aU; if one person en,ten a card party toady 10 play !
,
bridle, anel cvelYone 01.. i. playing pinochle, chat pombn can'f
,

VCZII~:'~'l.~r:t~~ aJivenseto(rules;anela c0nclud-

ing payoff. PsychologiCal games. how.ever, have an uIleric!r pur-
pose. They are nOt played for fUn. Of co~ nejt'her are sO!he
pokerg.m~ '
,
. Berneelerme.a]J3ychofogltal
gameas ". recurriilgset of~ ' '

actions, often rq)Otitiv.e. .uperficially ratiOnal, wilh . COIlCe8/i:4'

motivation; or. more CQI)"'Iuially,-as a series OftranS8CliQns with a ,

gimmick' II). Throe specmc elemeirts .must be presCntlO define ,

transactions as games:'

,
t an ongoingseries'If cornplemenWy~ which.....
Plausible ,on 11Iesociallcve!, , ' -

2. an ulterior transaction which i. ihc DR<\Crlyingm-ae of-"

.
Ihe game, anel ,
,,3. a preclictablepayoff which canclu"". Ihe game anti ~ ihc
, ,
real purposelOrplaying.
Oames prevent ~onest,intimatc, anel open relationships bolWoon
ihc players. YetpcoPle play them "-use Ihey fiIl UPtim7 pro-
voke attentiotl, reinforce early opinions about solf and othen. ancI
,

fulrdl a $C115C
,

of deatiny. '
,'. . "
, ,

PsyI:hologicaIpmes are playecilOwin. but. penon who plays

, games as a way of life is not a Winner.Sometimes, a penon _
like . loser in order to Wi" Iha game (fig. 2.19).Forexamplc!,in a
game of Kick M. a player provokes JOmOOlleelse 10 a put-doWn
~~_. .
'
 '34 .,. BORN .TO 'WIN

Student: I stayed up too late last

night and don't have my
assignment ready~ (ulte~ '"
rior: I'm a' bad
, boy, kick
. me,)
'Innructor,' You're out of luck. ThIS
~

is the last day I 'eangive

ereciit for that 'assign-
men/.(unerior: Yes,you ,
are a bad boy and here
.I
, ~ yourkick.)
Though they may deny it, people who are ~sed to thiS gani~ tend
10 attract others who can play the complementary hand' and are
willing te?"kick'"in'response. , .' .
Every game has a -first move. Some first moves are, nonv~'rbal:
",
turning a cold shoulder, batting a flirty eye,shakinsan accusatiye'"
finser, s!ammins a door" ttlU:king mud in the honse, reading
5O",eone'.' mail, lookins wo~begone, not speaking, Other. fint
moves'are verba! statements, such '8S:"'
, ,

,'''You 100k so lonesome over here, by,yourself,.

"How could you g<l to ,scjtoolwearing that get-up!"
"He criticized_you. A.re yoil going to take tbat?"
")- have this terrible problem . . . .'"
"Iso.'. it. awful ,that. .' ." .
.. ,
Barbara an" T<>m'sfavorite game was Uproar. They both knew
the f1rstmovein the game, so'-either ~uldstartit; Once it Wit!
started, a predictable set'of transac~ons occurred ~h-ichclim'axed
with a loud fight. The outcome was always the same~hostile with-
drawalto avoid closeness. T!ris was their payoff for playing the 'I
,
game" the avoidance of intimacy.
To set up the game eitl,1erB,arbara or Tom provoked the othet
"

,
'with nonverbal behavior such as sulking, chain'smoking, with"
drawing, :or acting irritated: When the partner wa' "hooked" into
playbtg, the game was under way. As the game ""ntlnued he/she
'g~t a put-off or a put-do",n. After exchanging many ansry words,
they fmallY withdreW, from each ot~er.
'"
1
 \
\ .
AII~,oITrtlluGcI.fMl/A"(l1ftll .'_- 35 ~,

'W1ie.BtIrbtuosltJl1.
I
Ih. g_.. lhe 1_110.. .
an:
. '. -
"
1Ioibatv: (Begins poutidS I!Id c/ljUnoSmOking
\rilb ral-
edgeslliRS) ... . .

Tom: . "W.lial's lb.. mattct'l What's wrong?"

BiitfNu4: ~s n<mcof your busi~!"
Tinri:. .' , (Goes QUIto the I~bu) \
~: (Ex~ in an~i wb.nb. t.lusns. A long b\lUIe .
" fd/ed Wtlb ~ns and counlC~
itODS.Th. payoff coines wb... Batba(l. .breW ink!
.
11I1IJi
into'the bedroOm, and .slams the door.
Tom rettealS to the kilel..nfor inO~dfiiik. ~
malteno:furthct conW:llbal evenmg.)', '.

. Who. T_ i.i/lat.. rher_', I;" triJ1l$t1J:llQllSan: I

. . , \
T..: (Faes a dtint. for himself, goes off leBb. dejl. .,id.
cIo~ the <I\>OL)
'.' .'
BarlkW:. "Wby didn't you [ax It drink for me? Is iIomethbig
.
WJ'OD8'I'"
.T_: "Can'i levcnbav.a,few minutesalo '... '
lIarlNua: "If you wanlto be ~ l'11lea..~'~
(Bar~ ....
sboppiats. buys things theyc:an'tafford; AIJ.drttutns
carrying sev.ral packag~)
. . '

,Tom, (Explodcs in anger abOultheway she spends mol1<:)':

th. game comes full c;ircl. wben sb. stam~aw8,y
"'ad. and be fi~es his bed in lb. den.)
\
"
. GamcSICDdto be repetitions. Peoplefmd lbem..I"es .ayingthe
sam. words in lb ,.. w.,; only thclime and plaCemay~
. Perhaps II!c replay contributes to wbal is on.n.deseribcd as ,"I f~1
.
as if l\lcdo"lbis before."
, Peopl. play games \rilb diffcrcnldcvecs of inlCDlily,from the
so,cially~~ rel~ Ievclio Ih. aiminal bomicide/lliicidt
lov.l. Bern. wntes: . . . . ,

, .
 36, BORN TO WIN
.) A Fint.Desree a'.me is o,ne which i. .oci.lIy .ccept.ble
, in the.sent'scircle " ,

b) A Second.Degree a.me is one from which no perm.nent,

, 'irremed.i.ble dlln.ge arise.; but which the pl.yer. ~uld ,
r.ther ccincealfrom the public.' . I
" I
c) A Third-Degree G.me is one which IS pl.yed for keep..'
.nd which ends in the .ursery, the courtroom' or the morgue
[12].
, '
,Game. .re individUallyp,ogrammed.' They are played from the
Parent, eso st.te if the parent. simes are imit.ted. They .,e
played from th~ Adult ego .t.ie if Ihey are con.ciously c.lcul.te,d.
They pl.yed from the Child eso .t.te if they .te basedori e.rIy
life experiences, decisions, .nd the .:po.ition that a ~hild I.ke.,
about .elf .nd others.
"

DA VS OF DECISION.

'Before children are eighlye.rs oldlhey develop a eonceptal)oul

th.irown worth. They .Iso formulate ide hout the worth of
others. They cryst.lIize their-experience. and decide what il ~11
me.n. to them, wh.t part. they .re gains to play, and how they .re
solnS to play Ihem.,Th..e .re children'. days of deci.ion [13). .
When deci.ion. .hout .elf .nd others,are m.de very early.1ii
life. they m.y ,bequite unre.li.tic. They are yery likely to be some, '

wh.r, distorted and irr.tional; becau.e children perceive life

IhrouSh the .mall pee~hole of Iheir existence. These distortions
c.n cre.lesome desree of p.thology ranging from inconsaquen,
. Ii.lto ',eriou.. However,.lhey .eem logical and make seilse allhe
time tbe child makes them. Tne following story. reported by BeUy,- '

a wom.n of forty-three who had been m.rriedto an aI~holic for

twlnty yean, iIIuslPat.s Ihe efTeclof eariy decisions.

,C... IllU8&radoD

My fal!ler was . brutalaleohollc. When he WI" drunk he

would hit me and scream at me.l would try to hide. One day
when he came home. the door new open and he was drunker,
tllan,u.ual, He picked up . butcherknife and Itarted running
 All OM"iew (If TNu/1tIdUal AllaQl,lJ 37

throllgh Ihe house. I hid in a coat closet"'Jwas almost four

years old. I was so ..!Ired in the closet,. It was dark and
,
,spooky, and things kept hitting mein the f That day-I de-
cided who men wtri:~beasts, who would only try to b"n me.
I was,alarge child IInd I remember thinking. "Ifl were small,
er, he'd love me." 'or H]f,1 were prettier.he'd lovc'me."
, I al-
ways thought I wasn't wonhanylbing.
. '
The "days ofdecisioo'~ leaila person 10 lakepsycliolopcal posi- '

liOIlS(14)..In the above case the.,woman took Ibe posillons; "I'm .

~
I1nworth~(lam nol-OK) nd "Men are beas!twllo wilJ~un me
(men'are nol-Ol\.)." On t~ basis oflh\\Se ~ilions shelClcctcd,
. people who 'would play cenain roleslhal fil into berlife drama.
Sbe married a "beasl" who was also an alcoholiF..ln addilion,
she often playedlhe game .of Rapo at social gatherings. WbJin
playiag 1,.. game, she would engage a man in conve1'$8tiolland
lead him on scduetively. If he responded to bermessage,she
would lurn awily,inrightious indignalion,confidentonce more '
;,
that "men are beasts who will hurt me." '\ .

~ \.
'
. PSYCH0L091CAL POSttIOl'fS
. .~
. ',. ,.
When taking positiOns aboullbemselves, people may conclude:
~
f . "

'
I'm sman. I'm' stupid;' I'm powerful. ,I'm.
'
, ,inadequale. . '
I'm Nee. " I'm nasly. I'm an angel. I'm a devil.
I can't do anything rigbt.' I can'l. do anything wrong.
I'm as good as anybody e t Ikon'ldeserve 10 live.
When laking pOsitions . abo~t otbers. people may conchide; ,
-
. '
, . \..
,

P~ople will give me ~nything I waot.,' Nobody will give me

, ,
' anything.,
"
'..
PeOpl~ are wonderful.
" People are no dllrnn good.
. \
SOmeoriewill help me. Pe",ple
" arc out 10 get m..
Everybody likes me. ,No¥y likes me.
People arc nice. Everybody's mean.

,
'
 BORN TO WIN
Jp. general. the' abovtpositions are "I'm OK': or ".',0:-not.OK,'"
and "You'fe OK", ()f "You'fe not-OK." The'l"'ychologicalposi-
tionstaken about oneself and about others fit mto four basic pat-
lefns [IS). The fint is t~e Winnef's ""sition, but even winne~ may
,:occasionally have "'e1ings that feSemble Ibe ,Ptbef three., ",

TMFirst Posilion: "01 OK, You'fe OK

, .is potentially a menially healthy p<>sition. If realistic, J?Coplo; with
\his position abouNhemselves and othel'Sca.!!.solvethel~problems '

, cOJ>StNcti~ely.Theitexpectaiiol\l,are likely"1o be valid. They ac-

, cept the Slgmficance of people:, , .
"

1
THe Sefond or Projeclive I'0sil;on: I'm OK, You're n~t_QK I
. '

is the ,position of pe.rsons who feel yictimited orperseCuted~ so vi~

"

timize and pel'SeCUteothel'S, They blame othel'S for their miseries,

DeUrtq...nts and crimmals often have this position and take on
paranoid behavior which in. extreme, case~ ma,y lead to homicidc.

'r~e Thirdor,Inlrojecliv,ePositio~:"m~ot-OK"You'rc OK,

is ,a common '~sition of persons who ftel -powerless, when they '
, compare themselyes to 'others~ This pO$ition leads tI1~mto w~th.
"draw, to: experience, depre~siori, and, In severe cases,. to become
suicidal. "
,1$. Thefourth or FUli!ityPositi'on: I'm not.OK, You're.not.OK
is the;poSition of those who lose, interest' in living"who ex~lbit,
schizoid behavior"and who, in'extreme cases, commi,suicide or ,
. '
horn icide. " I

I
People ;'ith the first posilion feel "!,.ife i~worth Ii;:ing.': With, '
the second they feel "Yourlife is not worth much." With t!\e iIIird
they feel "My life is not worth much." With the fourth iIIey feel
"Ufe isn't worth 'anything, at all.",

IiIEXUALlTY AND PSYCHQWGICAL poSITIONS

Psychological positions are also sexualized. In the formation of
self~identity, a person tak~~ two positions, or ,appraisals, about his
 I
An ()t'mI1e-.:of Trtm$IIClual,1"alysls 39-

or her self; one is generaiand Ihe.olher is Sexual. So~elimes IheSe ~

pOsitions aie.'similar, Sonielimes different. For example, s6me

~leta'1<e "n OK position abouI1hemseiveo as studen,is,work- .
ers, and, so (orth, !)IJllake a nOI-QK position ~lI'Itbem~rveUs,
\\\ale of ferriale. When tIIis oCcuts,sexual gamessueb as R(ljxI.and .
Ki DJTmay he pl!!yed,. . . ", . .
. .' Tbeallejent.mytb ofCadmllS,re(li:~ts IhisdUa\\de"titj" Callmu.
. washW'ly competenlal bliildbigthuncienl cilyafTtiebes bUla'
failUre in his sexII.1 toleSwilhhisfllllli1y.:Hi& offsPn"g bl\d '1!.ILr'
tna*C4Iies;lIIewell-l<noW!> .~dip'!S as O'1eof )lis ~~~,
, tn Iicoun$e1illggroup' a \il6dem Cadrrius; exPfCSSing'~~
,,'
PfOtJltm, said, ~I,k"l"" I'm a capable "lfltilC~blltl feci/iie. '"
h'op" Ji man""e~ecjally aI home willtmy family;" A womanre'
sponde<l. ~Iknow how you. ftel. I ma<,teIbehigileS\. 8fa(jeso('
anyone in my se!liOHla$s:bUll really (\on'lreel feminine,';M,any .
stalements jndicaIC a pSycholOgical posiiiOn relaled to ap i""lar .

. seil.I16l' '.' ..". .' .....

I;Unever
. qel a "".n(wom",n).' i'U n~er be:a man (womlill)!.
'r;;' h..nd.:orne(beauliful)., Women !'Bn'lhe Ifllsl..i.
.
W,omenate tyn<ntS.. Men are Iyrants" I
Womell ar. ~weel and lender.. .' . Men will prOl"", me.. ~ ~.
.
S()m~people lake .Ihe position lhai one sex is OK and, Iht other i.
'.nol-OK,: .' .' .'

Men are inte1li~ent.buIWolnen are stupid.

Men.'are dirty, 'but women~~e pure;
. .
On" a. pasi lion is laken, Ihe persall seeks 10 keep his or her
world predictable by reinforcing it. It becomes a lifepositioo.from
whi<;hgames are plaYed and scripts actedoul. The more severe,lhe
pathology, Ihe mare Ih. person feels pushed to reinforee it. This
..
prOCess can be. diagramJ!l.ed. as follows:

S~pl . .
.Expericnces-+ pecisions-+ PSychological- Reinforcing
Positions . Behavior

--
.
,
'--- - ---
 ,

~---,-
 42 BOliN TO WIN'

INTRODUCTION TO SCRIPTANALvins
. -~ . .
A script ~ be briefiy defined as the life plan, very mucb lil<e.a
dramatic stage' ptpduction, Ihal an individual feels compelle<!'lo
play,oul. "".
A script is related
" to theearty decisions ~nd the positions taken
bya cbild. It is in the Child ego state and is "wOllen" throug., the
Iransactions belween parents and.lbeir child.. The games thaI 81"e.
played are part of Ibe script, Wbenthe posi.lion~.and game. are ..
identified,
. a 'person can become more .....
awaie of this life script. '

c illustration"
In counseling. Fred reported, "If I beard il once.,lbcard.iI a
bundred limes, 'W!uilaslupi4lbingtodo, Fred.€"':lyou do
anything righl?' I couldn't even talk ful enough for my"fol~~,
and I still stulter sometim~s. When I went 10 school, Ijusl
co'lldQ'(seemto doal\ything right. I was always at the bottom
of the cilUiS,andIcanre'!'entber teachers saying. 'Fred,lhat'
was a Stupid.question.' Teachers were jusllike" my"mont. .
Wben they read the grades out loud, myname wo"lasl.apd'
the kidSlaughed al me. The'; 'I gOlto bigb.scboOl, and, the
counselor said I' could do belter. Tbal I wasn't dumb, jult
lazy. I jUsl \lon'l gel it.':

. In subsequent counseling sessions Predleamed that early in.life

be had taken the position, "I'm slupid, I'm not-OK." He thoughl
of himself as afailure and acted oul therolc. Tbougb be did poor-
ly, Fred remained in scbool,played Ibe game of Stupid,. and
evoked negative comments, low grades, and nagging from hi.
. leacbers. Tbis.reinforced his basic psycb,?logical position',
Fred discovered his scripl was thaI or a loser. In his Cbild ego'

slalehe felt slupid and played Ibe parI of Stupid. He also discov-.
,
ered'lhal his Parent ego stale agreed. with \his position IU)d thus
encouraged him 10faif.Fred's analysis of his ego stales gave 10hb
Adult tbe objective data about wbo he was, how he.got tbat way,
and where be was going with his life, It took Fred a wbile todocide
wbicb ego state would conlrol his life. Finally, his Adult won out.
He enrolled in college and mainlained good grades.
, After di~ering his loser scripl. Fred dedded that he didtj't
 ,
I

. .c.O_., c~Qj,"'. 43
, have 10be alo""r. He could become a winnct if he chose 10.Berne .
writes, ''The ultimalegoal oftrl!Jisactional_lySis is theanalysi.
. ohcriptS; since the scripl delermines the destiny and i!lentily of
. .
.' .
th~ individoal" [f1J.

.,
Modem~Ie wearmany~and bavemany.formaof ariooi'
tha1kecp thbirrcality ~...ed and unkooWn, even IOthcmselvcs.
Thepll5Sibility of encountering one's reality~leaming aboot one's
""lf~ be frightening and fruatratiDi~ Many people expect 10
discOvct Ibe wonl. A bidden fear lies in the fact thallheY' IIlaYaIsq
.

discover lhe beS/.' .

'

Todibver theworsti. 10face Ibe dCclsionofwbclher or 00110

,
connone it!ihesamepaiiuns, To leam tbe best is 10.faC<!~ <¥:-
.siooofwhether or not Iolive up 10it. Either discovery may involve
changeand.islherefore,anxiety-plo~king, However, this can' be a.
crealive 8IWcty which niay be thoughl Of as excitem"",...the ex'
citement of eahanaag .one'spossibililies for being a'winner.
Tr sactionalan~sjs is a 1001yck can use Iol<now yonrscJf,1o
know now. you relale toolhers;andlo disCover .the dr81118lic
,courSe your life is taking. The. uni~fpersonalily slru~ure is :Ihe
ego sllilc. By 1:M:<omjagaware of your ego states, you can dislin-
sWsh between your various sOUJ'CCS of thoUghlS, feelings, aad be-
havior paltems, ..You can discover where Ihere is discord' and
where there is.agreementwithio' your own pe~riaJjty., You:can.
become more .ware of Ihe ,oplions..vailable 10 you. . . '
Tbe unil of measure ininlerpcrsonal rel.tionshi/" is ",e tnins-
action. By analyzing your transa'etions, you can g&ln amore, con.
scio,," control of how you operale wilh other people and ho'Nthey
operate with you. Y00 can determine when your transactions are
complementaty, crossed, or ullerior. You can .Iso discover whal
, .J' ;,
,"8am..~' you play.. '. .'
Transaction.l alySis is a practieal frante of refore~Jrom.
whichy"u can. evalua\cold decisions ,and beh.vior and ch gc
what r'u !lecide is desirable for you 10 ehange. ' ' -
. "
44 BORN TO WIN

EXPERIMENTS AND EXERCISES

Find a place where. you will not be ihter(llpted. Taking eDo.,,8h
time to ima.sinc each fantasied situation .in detail, ~ns'ider the
questionsthat follow.

1.
.
~DDIn8 to K,;qw .YOIII' Eao State..
'Your Parent
. Think of one thing you now 110which you ""pied fro';' a par-
.'
ent figure and perhaps repcat to yout spouse, children,
. friends,or co-workers. _ ' .
. .

.
_

Think of one parental message you still hear in your head and
obey, fight against, or reel confused ~bout.

.
.
Your AJi./1
Think of a rectnt situati0l' in. which you .believe yO\l gathere<i,
facts and on the basis Of these facts, made a reasonable

. decisipn.
Think of a recel\t situation in which you felt hostile and
aggressive (or sul.ky, depressed,
"

and so forth), yet were able .to

. actreaspnably and appropriately in'spite of your feelings.

l41ur Child
. Think'of one form of manipulation you used succ~ssfully as a
.
. child that.J'ou 'stilluse. .,'
'. Think of oni: thing you did for iun as a child thill you still do.

Z. Your E,o Statea aDd,FeeliDlf8

,Imagine you are at home alone on a stormy night. Yo'U'vcbeen ,

asleep forseveral hours. The doorben rings unexpectedly and

by the sound of the clock's strikillg you know :t is 3:00 a,~.
. What are your feeli"85 and. thoughts? What would you do?
. .'.,
How would 'you have felt as a child? Do you feel this now?
-
 .
An Oimiew ofTTtlrlsactuai
Analysis... 45-
, . What would each of your pare~ts have done? WoiJId your be-

.. havior resemble that of one of your parent figures?

What do you thjnk' is the "best" thing to do?
.
,

Imagine ,yo;;',ii, gone to work a usuil.T~e boss. looking tense

add angry, is there to m,eet you and immeiliately lightS i.ttoyon
for something you forgot to do. ,',
"
oWhat are yourf~elings and thoughtS? What, W'ouldyou dO?
. How would you naVe £eltas a child if the bc$ss was apltont"r
leache(l Do you feel Ihis no~?
. .
What would your parents have done? .would you be Uke,ei-
ther of them? ,'.
,

,
'

.",

. What do you think is the "best" thing 10 ,do?

, .
3, Analyzing a TranSaction
. ~ .'
Think back to a transaction you had tOday. l)yto c!il\8rarn it.
Do you \hin1< there' was an ulterior transac.tion thu was con'
" cealed under another message? If so, inchide ;tin the diagram;

\\

4.Your OKne88
;
.
" '..'
(magine'yOU areJaCC'to-fai:e with 11IIimportan,t person who
looks you directlY'in the eye and asks, "Do .you feel OKor not-
I
.
OK?"

respo~d?
.
What wouid be your feelings and tho~ghts?How
'
. .
would, YOll i
 46
.. . BORN TO WIN
Can you recall when you decided you were OK or not-OK?
Imagine that scene. Who was there and what happened? Try
. .
to re-experience it.

., 5. 'Your Se~ OKnol8i"

Il1I4gine yo~If in a SItuation i.nwhicl1 your sexual roie .. im-
portant. Picture yourself asa spouse, boyfriend/ girlfriendf or

(
.
parent. Do you
I.

Think.had to
femalen
reel lil<e an .OK or not-OK
.
.
male or female?
your parents' attitudes about yo"r maleness or
Try to remember any words that wetesaid.
. Try to rtH:~Jtperience one: incident that YtJucan remember tfiat
had.'o do with your sexuality.

,
.
.

.,

,.
 3
The Human Hunget' /Or '
,,

StrOkes and. Time Stn:#Cturlng

If y~ulOllch' mo soft a~d g."tI.
Ifyou/ook 01muM sml/ul mo . ' .
Jf.you I1Sl0N'Id m',la/k somtllma btf~" you la/Ie
I will grow, rtil1lygrow. .
Brad/oy (ago 9) , "' ,
.
'
Every {)Crso n has the lIeed to he tonched tnd
tOlierec:o
~ d by
.
,

'

otherpeople,andevery{)Crson1lat
.
the,need.todo 80me , .
with ,
,
'

,
the time hetWeen birth alld de.a~h. These are DIolostca1 an .pay.' ,
chological,needs that Berne ca1b ~hungen.'" ,
'.
The hUDsen for touch and reOOSnitio..,can he appeased with' "

strolces, ~hich are "any actimplylll8 recognition ofano\her'sp"'"

en ce' ' [IJ;Strckes n.he given in th e.rorllt ofactval phY8iW~ UcIt
,

or by some symbolic
~ '
, , , , f"no ofrecopl!ion, snch as II lOok, a wOrd.'. ,,

,
geOlUfe,
,
or ~y act that ..ys "Ikno... you're there "

People'sbungerror strokes "ften determines, what the)' do with '

, their time. They may. for example. spend millUtel, houn, or a life.
time tJyIng II>getst;okes ininany ways, ineludi1lS playin8Pycho.
l()gicalgames. The)' may spend minutes. houn, or a lifetime lIjyill8
to avoid strokes by withdrawing. " '.
';0

STROK~G ,
HUNGn I
,
,
fnfanl8 will not srow norma[ly without the touch of othen/1J.
, This need is lUually;lnet in theceveryday intimate trallllCllOIIJiof ,
.diapering" feeding,. burping. powderins. fondliilg,-and car.-Dg
that nurturing patents give their babie~ $omethl~g aboul \ICing
touched stimulates ininftnl'schemiJlry for mental' and physical
arowth. InfaDl8 who are negleo.led. ignored, or for any reas<,n <\<,
not experience enough touch. suffer mental and phySic~1'deleri". ,
ration even ,to the ,point of death. "
.' '. .47

"
.
48 BORN TO WIN
New-born infants, isolated from normal\Ouching after birth,
young children place1 in detenli9n facilities, and children reared '
under the theory thaI picking upbabie, spoils them" may bave a
\Ouc:hdeprivation $imi\ar 10serious nutribonal deficiencies. Both,
,

impair p'owth. ' ,,'

Ampng transactional analysts there i, . saying, "If the ,infanl is

not stroked, his,spinalcord ,shrivels up" (3). The documentary
f1lm .s:ecomtC"","",[41 which is SIID1Diarizedhelow, dramatically'
illuitrate$ the tteed for \Ouc:h. '

c.8e ma-Uon
When S)ISaD'Sfather lerther al a large cIillclren', hospital, she
was 22 Months 9Id., However, she weighed only IS, pounds
(theweighl of a fivc-montjl.old bPby) and was 28 inches tall
.
(the averaae hei ghI 9f len-month.,old). She had practicall y
a"
DOmOtor ski11s,could DOlcrawl, could not speak or even bab-
,
,
,
,

ble.If people approached her, she Withdrew in tears. ,

After three weeks durin! which no one had come \Osee
. Susan, a SQCia\wor.l<er contacted the mother. 89th mother'
andfather were 'aoove a-.gein educati9n,yet the m9thOr
. complained,."Babies are a jK>8rexcuse f9r human heiD&',"
She dc$:rihed.Susan asnol 1ikin,g'" he held and wanting \0
he leftal9DC. She d she bad given up tryingtc> make con-
taCt With Susan and, in regard'" taking care of her" admitted,. :
-I d9n't wanl d9 thaI anym9re.~. ",
'"
"".mi oonsSOOWed DOj>hysital reason for Susan's extreme
mental and physiaol retardation, and her case was diagJ\<>!c:d
as "maternaJ dcprivaoon syndrome."
.A volun~ substilu~ m9ther was called in 10give Susan 19"-
: ing care f9r six lIOurs,II day, fIVe days a w~t, The hospital
8tafI' ais<>gave Susan much a,uenti"", ~ she was h~ld,
roc:bd, played With, and fed WIth an abundance of phy.s!cal
touc:hing.. ,,'
Tfoni9llths later, alth9Ugh she was still markedly retarded,
S_ had a highly developed affectional respoD'e,~he h!ld
ais<>ped six pounds and bad grown two inches. Her m9\Or
ability was greatly im~. She could crawl and could walk
 TMH_ H... f" S, <WI
n. S 49
If holding on. Without fear sh. c:ouldr.late to ..ltitiy. strang-
,
T.nd.~ lovingcar.'hadhadaremarkable.ffect on S_
.As a child gro older. ih.ear1yp~ hung.rforlldu8J
physical touch is modifi.d and becomes recognition hunger. A
$II1i1.. a nod.: a word,' a frown. a gesture eventuaU)' replace some
touch Strokes. Lik. touch. thq;e form& of recognitioD, wbeIher
, positiveornegativ...wnulate the brain of the on. recei¥inl them
and serve iO verilY for the dIiJd the filet that she or h. is ~ '!'Id.
,alive., Rec:ognili~ stnJkes also keep the dIild's nervous ¥Ie""
.
froro "shriveling." " .' '
Som. pc:opl. need a great deal ofreeognition in order, to 'eel ~
c:ure. This bunger can be stronglyfelt ,anywher~in the hc> the'
.!tassroom. even on the job. In an iJldustrial sitwition a su~r
c:omploinedthalone of his lab worton was ~,too much.
lim. at the waterc:ooler.leaviJighis isolatad lab evciy~hour loot-
ing for somcon.lo talk to. Th. $lipervisor, anerbelng tni ,n ,

T A.'mad. il a practi<;e to poI<. his head in the lab al iptervaJs fou ,

bri.f. fri.ndly c:onversationwiththis Wo/'ter.The trips;into the

hallWttydiminJshed~ably. ,As this ,SIIPerViSOr ~
th.varying hu~ needs.forrecognitioncOnftontanyOllCwllo
workswith peopl.. Effectivemanagers,~ often thosewho _
. abl. to 10uch and recoSJlite ~ appropriate1y.

POSmvE STROKING
Th.laclc ofsuff.aenl strok.. alwayshaSa detrimentaldf~ 00
,peopl..Although .ither negative or """itive strokes may stimulate
an infanl" body chemistty. il takes positi.. stn)kn, to de-yelop
.motiOnally healthy persons wi'" nse of QKo,ess, Positive
strokes ranso in valu. from the minimal moinleJJanoe ofa "hello"
to the depth encounter of intimacy.
So
'
.'
,trok.s are merely $1Idac<icoc:ounters. These
transactions'whiCh c;an be thought of as-maintenance"\"Okes.
,

sillJpt. _ '

'
They lIS!Jally lad< meaDiBgful 4;iOI1tenibut at least pve retopi-
. lion.,keep c:ommuniclotiooopen. and main~n the .penon's ......
ofbeiog alive' Greeting ritUals such as bowing and sbakingJlands
, ~struc:tllfedways forgetti",and giviilg s\!.'Okesof.this natu...
. ~ve strokes are,u5t1al/y c:ompl.mentar'j tIa~ns "'al
are. dl~approprial" and relevanl to the ,Ituati"". When strokes
~ !JI .., __

'.
 50 BORN TO WIN
are P2'ih~e, they leave the person feeling good~.alive, alert, and
significant. Ata gIeater depth they enhance the inc:liv1d~al'. .ense
of well.being, endorse the person's intelligence, and, are bften
pleasurable. The feelin§s beneath are,feeling. of ~oodwill and
convey the I'm OK, You re OK po$ilion.lfthe .trokmg i. a~then-
tic,.hon,estly jibes with t!l,efacti, and is nOIoverdone, it no~ri.hes a
penon. The individual'. winning streak is ""panded.' "

A parent gives a positive IIroke by.wooping up !Ii. or her' child

spoJltaneou.ly ~ith "Oee, I love you'" A s~pervi$Or give. aposi.
hve stroke by answerin~ a ,s"bordil!ate's que.tion .traig!lt. A clerk
.Ives a CUS\Ol1)era, posItive oke by gIeeting the customer with
, frOOOd momins.'J :'. '
Positive strokes Are often an expression of affechonate or ap.
preclative feelings:
.'
~ :
ttY~uJre sure run ,to dance with.';

"I'm glad I've got,you for a son." , .

"Yo\/, really saved the day fOf me hy fini.hing that rep0rl."
"It's a, pleasure 10 work in the sl\l1le am.. with YOII."

Positive stl'()kes are .ometimes compliments:

"You look gOod enough to be on a magazine' cover;"

~Having a girl around'is$reat," .
,
"Your flower arrangement. really brighten up the am..."
"You swim'like a champion.'"
"That's a gocrd.looking 'P0rl jaCket you piCked'out."
"Your proposal is cleal; concise, andj~sl what we
needed..'''
"
Poiitive strokes can also give people informali9n abOul their
competencies. can' help thelll becomemor. aware oftheir individ.
ualsldU. and resources. For example,olf a father has hi. son mow.
the lawn and then, lays. "You mowed the lawn well. It reallylookl
good and larpreciate ii," he allows the SO" to infer positive things
abOut himself and io know Ire,has speeific abilities.
.
This helps him
to mlrlntain his I'm OK, winner position.
One Woman studentrepOrled that her parents had COnstantly
 The HllmIUIH"nger
!orSrrokes oflll Tilnl StruduriRg 51
evaluated her performance with uYou.re !iuch a sweet, ni\.~ girl!"
This SlrQking was not unpleasant but when, at forty. she sought
employment and was asked what she could do, the parent tape
was turned on again, "¥ ou can be such a sweet. ana nice girl." .
The same is true of strokes given from one grown.up to another.
For example. a new secrejaty who capably.wards off an unwanted
offici: visitor, may ,«complimented ,with uYou're, an angel" io..
stead of "I appreciatt the f~ you used in handt'mg that perion."
,
Althou.ghmany secretaries enjoy occasi"1lally being !'IIiIed an
angel, if dO<!sti',give them much data on, their job competencies.
especiaJiy if they're "ew. . ", '

A cbild, c.eeives positive simkes whell' a parent. teacher; or 8

" '
frend gives a warm "hello," uses the child's. name' (pronounced' [
,
accurately), looks the child in the face attentively, and most im-
portantly, iistens without condemnation to what the ehillOw to
say.boutpersonal feelings and thoughts. All preserve a sense of
dignity. '.
'
Listening is.one of-the ,finest stro~es OIle,perso:i1can givean~'...
other. ThCf,most effective listening'involve~ focusing aU o'ne"~", .
artention on the. ~aker, a, discipline wmcb eanbe lear:ned.
, .
Many unaware ordisintercsted people never develop 'the skill,
, consequently: '

Chililrencomplain. "My parents never listen to me."

. P~tscom~ "My kids ne~er listen':to"me " ,
Husbancis and wiv~ cOmplain, "He. 's!;te)'never really helUS
me/" ;' ':'
Bosse. complain, "lfI've fuld'him on~e. I've told hima hun.
dred times. and'he still does~'t listen." ,
SubOt~inates complain, "No~y up thereeverlist~s to iI$.u

A person...00haSbeen Iis«enedtoleav~ theencollnterknow"

"
ing ,th,at his or her feelings. ideas, and opinioI\s have been reJlUy
heard. This perso1t has not beon "turned off,", but has J\eeJI'given
.~tiv~ feedbac~, Active listening, sometimes ..lied reflllClive. lis:.
, tening, invowes giving verbal ~clback oftheronlent ofwbat was
said or done along with a gu...at the feeling ~"demeath the spo-
ken wo/ds' or acts, These are verbalized. Reallistening.does not
necessarily mean agreemenL It simply means clarifying alld un.
derstanding Another person's feelings ,and point of view. .
 S2 BORN TO WIN

When a teen-age. bpy COmes home, throws his. books on. the
table, and groans, "School issur~Iousy."the mother who Hstens
will say something Ii~e, "School seemed lousy .today, and you're
feeling pretty mad about ids that/ight?" .

When a Secretary suddenly begins to make anum ber of typing

mi.st~kes. mutters inaudibly, and snaps 2:t,office visitors. '8 boss
who really listens will say something like, "From what you just
said.yousound~pset,. Are,you?", , _, .
. In.the above cases the Adult feedback transaction-is
' '" used. With-

out co~demning or c6ndoning, the A<jult listens to both the con-

. tenfand feelings that the. otper person expresses from the. Child
ego state~The receiverdoes~otengage in "I" talk, but emphasizes
the Uyou'1 message. This-ttansac~j.on is appropriate when one per;-
son has had strong feelings activated and needs to be listened to
rather than lectured-to.

One teacher who had discipline problems 'inhis clasSlearned to

use this transaction withra sJdl!,"that
improved the tPne of his class.
He eonfessed,"When I firsl>tri.ed this active listening, I real!y had
to delil with my Parent and Child in my head. My first reaction to
any behavior J didn't like was Parent, and I wanted to spank and
scold the kid. My next teaction was Child. I felt very 'inadequate
when kids misbehaved, and I thought, 'Boy,'rmalousyteacher or
this wouldn't happen.' Once I learned another way to respond, 1
didn't feel so inadequate or like,scolding anymore, The kids seem
to have a beller feeling about the class, too." . . .
Everyone needs strokes and iflhey do not get enqugjl positive
ones, they 9ft.n. provoke negative ones. thildren can become
bratty or delirtquem, inviting parents to slap, scald, arid degrade
them. Spouse-scan whinc,overspend.. stay out late, flirt, drink,
fight, or in some way provoke confron~ation. The same applies to
 The HilmfNI' Hunger for Stroke..v dnd Tirrw Siructllring ~ 53
a working environmeor (5]. Workers can stall, IUf\ke mIstakes, hurt
themselves. Studies show that if a job situation is sterile offeel.
ing..the production goes down and conflict emerges. It app~rs
. that f~r children and. grown-ups alike, negative attention is better
,
thap, none.

DISCOUNTING ANI;I NEGATIVE STROKING

If a parentdiscounts an infant's feelings and needs, healthy devel-

opment is "thwarted. A discount is,either the' lack of ~ttention or
negative altention that huits emoti<.nallr or physically. A'child
, who is ignored or give~ negative .strokes, rec_eives1he message"
"You are not OK," A person who' is ignored, teased"diminished.
hU'l'ili~ted, physically degraded, laughed at, canednam es, orridi-'
culed is in some way being t~ated as insignificantl The indiyid,~l
.
is being discounted. -Diswunts always carryan,uJteriorput-down.
_Many Corrin of discourtting center on wiving ptoble,!,~' A dis.;
counl occurs if (I) the probleni itself is nol taken seriously. (for
example, if the mOlh~r walthes TV while baby cries), (2) the sig-
nificance of the problem isdenied (a super;visor says, "~Vo",take II. _
ail too seriously. It's just not Ihalimvortant."), (3) the sDlution is .
denied ("There's nothing you can do about a waywardhus-
band."), or (4) a persondenies'her or his own ",'.pacity to so!"ea.
_ problem ("1 can't help it if I'm cr~bby. It's not my fault.") [6).
If a wife \flakes an honest inquiry of her. husband, "HoIIOy,
wherl will you be home for dinner?" and he responds po pou$ly,
"I'll b~ home when you see me coming,"'she i.s discounted. tier'
.s,isnificancc is diminished by the ulterior message of "'You're not
imnortant." From th~ toxic transaction she is likely, to experience
pain., ,', - ,'....
Being discounled..is always painful. lIetWeen parents and chil-
dren it lead. 10 personality pathology--crealing lose"', 'Be"~n
grown-up s it leads to unhappy hu,,! an relationslijps or feeds inlo'
desWuctive . or ugaiI)'! ~owhere" scripts, .
_ . As we saw,in Ihe Case Illustration aboUI Susan,'". ignoring
.
.,'
is a disc
astrollS way of discounling a small chi.ldeEarl's case ;,ssomewbat
.similar. As a liuleboy he was rarely sp"ken t.odirectly by his par-'.
ents. One day, in desperation forsbme kind of direelenOOUnter
with them, he sJ11aShedabole in the .bedroom wall with his base-
ball bat and waited for their ,esponS!'. No response was forthcom-
. .
54 BORN TO WIN
ing; his parents ignored his action. The lIext day he overheard his
mother sayillg, "Earl must have fallen against the waIL There's a
hole ill it" fl.epeated incidents of beillg ignored so discoullted the
boy that he became psychotic.
The e.ffects o~ insufficient touch can carry over into adulr life.
,
-
Case Illustration
.,
,.
Howard wa1 an only child. His mother was forty-one ilttd his
father fifty-eight wlten he was born. He was reared in a four_
teen-room house on a tWo-acre pl",t of ground very isol.ted
from neighbors. Howard <iescribed his parents as <;001and
aloof. Although they touched him if a'*'luteIY'lIeoessary,
they never displayed a' .pontaneOus burst of affection-a
throwing.of arms around him. . ;

-' As a !!T0WII-UP,
Howard would IIOttou,chhis wife and ""iI.
droll. He rationalized his oooille.. -by,proclaiming, as his fa- --
ther had, "Public display of affeclion i$ in poor taste,'''and
"DoII't kisS me ill frollt of the childrell, Alice. No tell~g what
they -might thill~!". ' _

How!,rd was a teacher but foulld iruncomfortable to be with

people alld avoided them whehever,he could. He refused to
meet after class with slUdellts or parelltS, avoided fa<;ol-
ty meetillgs, alld described himself as "lIoi able,
to get
anywhere;~'

Howard's being insufficiently touched as a child' contributed to

his lIonproductive script. He was indeed goirig nowhere ulltil he
discovered how to give alld receive strokes. His learning to do this
improved his home life 8I\d his career. -
Parellts ignore and fail to stroke their childrell for mallY ,rea-
SOliS.MOSLoftell because ip their OWIIchildhood they were them-
~Ives IIOt touched ellough and learned to "keep their distance."
Other parents, sellsillg their OWIIilltense all,el, try ,to ke.=p
"hands oft"' as a deterrellt-for "knockillg the ~id . block olT," As
one iather said, "If I eVer touch her, I'm afraid I'n kill her. In fact,
once Whell my father got mad, he threw my sisler Qut of the win-
dQw. HerskuUwas fractured and she,never.recovered,'"
Still other parents 'ignore their children becauSe they resellt
them and the J'e'IP0llsibility that accompanies them. ResearchIn-
 TheHIIWlphHllnger
fo.rStrokesundTimeStructuring S5
dicates that as many as 700,000 unwanted American children are
born each year [7]. Many or these children are never accept.d by
th~ir parents and Jive in an .motional climate of hostility and
rCJccUon., .
.
On. mother describes. the emotional .climate she created be-
cause of h~r'resentfur teactimi:; to ,her son, Dibs,. asix.~ear-old
schizophrenic who WaS~nsidered m.ntally retarded although hjs
intelli80l\~ quotient was i~8:
... J

... \. ,

H. is a yery dimoul! child to und.rstand. I.have triOd. R.ally, I.bave lried.

But I,have failed. Froin~the beginnin.g,wben he was an !nfant~I coutdno\
understandbia,: I had never rejil1y known .aoychildren beroreDi~5. I bad,'
nb real experiencc:u a.woman with cluldrc;n or babies. ,1didn't, have: the,
'
slightest idea whadhcy we~ like. reall)' like as persons, thatis',lknew all,
at,out -them biologically, physically, and medically. But ~could never un-
derstand Dibs.;He Was such a heartAChe-such a disappointment from rl1:e
moment of his birth. We hado'tplapned on having ach~d; His cOa~pti~
was tn accident. He uPset aU our plans. I had my professional clltcet, too.
My hUSbandwas proud of my accomplishments. My bus~and anci I :were
verybappy beft;)cfeDibs: was: born. Andwhenhc was bOrnhe ytras,so'differ~
~~I.-so biund ugly. Suob a bil!o'Jiaoe1ess cbunk of a thing! N01, pqn!iV.
at aU.Intact. he rejected me f~omd1e>momentbe wasbor8. HewouI4~tit.
, ,

fOIl'and cry ev.ryti.,i I pick.dbim up! . ... .:,. .

. /
Mypre'gQ~c.r WIS ,very diciicUlt. l w_¥very'in,mO 8t oftb~um.~. A~dmy
husband resentedl11Ypre8'QIocy;H.
. . tbought
.
tb~t. I "OI,ldbavlfpre\<en!ed
it. Oh, I dbn't blame bim.lresented ht,too.We couWn~tdo ahy o(the
. thin.. W. u$Cdtod<'!together; couldn't go 8I!yplace.l suppose I sb0uldsay
thatwe..didn't, I)ot couldn't. My husband stayed away moreancl--ntQTe,'
buried himself inh~swork. He is ascientist, you know.A brilliaM man! But
remote. And very. very sensiti~e'l8]\ "

I.gnoring and isolati~g people are well-known forms of punish,

. ment even for adults.. Such punishm.nt deprives persOns of even
,minimal stroking. and l.ads to int.llectual, emotional., and physi-
cal deterioration. .' ,. '.
If a discount is deliver~ through negatiVe stroking, the not-OK
nt..sagtbs.nt either openly or by implication. To.. little girl's re- .
quest, "Can I wear my new dress'" direct discount could be
"You're sa sloppy you'U pr<;>babl.ywreck itth~ fitS! da~." Anim <"
plied discount could be,"HoW gan we'be $ure ou won t he cart-. .
.less?" In eith-er'case the r. m en can't be te '.
. 0 n, It ISnohh.words but t . intent1"hich is expressed by
tone of voice, facialexpression, ~..ture, posture, and so fot1h,that' .
 BORN,TO WIN'

make$ a str9ko oJle

.9r
and De tiv r strai I and
us an gIVesa posotive str!)ke to his wife by sayms.
when. he coDieshome from work; However, if a fe derk calls
a customer "h0I!~Y'" she is likely to be discoUl!ting, Implying thaI.
O>ecuslomer. is 2Ullibl.;
~sometimesllenlbypeoplewho CaoetiolJsly
say th. opposite 9C what they mean. The fqUowing statem~ts
may. on r, ap as compliments, but if said sarcastically or
conlemptuo. y, t ey ve strokes. The real message is
llent by an ulteri<>rtran$ae\i91>Ibrough iMuendo. Such is the case
.
when.
"You look great in thal.sweater" is said with adisapproving
look. .
"Thafs really good for the typewriter" is said ~y
when someone: is erasing di=tly over the wl'rking mec:ha-
nism. . ~
.
. .~ .'
"Your re~ is realiy somelbing"is said with a ...eer:.
.~Well.good for you'" is said with a tone of di ~

FalSel1aiteiyand false compliments delivered under the velloC

sincerily ~ealso forms of diseounting: .
.
. .

"Greal idea'" says a oornmiuee clIairrnan, alttioughhe . may.

really thiltk O>eidea is ullel .., .
"You're doing a greal job" says a ~ altbough the sales vol-
ume has JUSIdropped. .

"ThaI hairdo is gorgeous" says a friend, when it's actually un-'

beooming. '. .
~
1 .
Teasing rc;marksand gestures' can beallother form"C disoount-
'

ing. A husband who says "No wonder the bumper'1 draggiJ1g.wjth

you in lliehaek Ileal" is likely to he npressing real hostility
toward his wife hec&UIIeshfl overweight Altho1lP " adults can
'.'~ learn to a I .. . when leasiiii:reilly"liiiiii11ieDi,
IS.I very for children. Bacb writes:.

Psrenls fuoIlhemselvesthac children like to be e.t In truth, they pUI up

.with it at best to """."mmodate the parenls~ need for . hootiIi,>: release.

\-.
 11ftH_ HII",. fOt'SII'oicatIIIdTimI Stftu:tvrllft S7
When C~ a1low 1hcmsclv.. to be d lik~ "gQOd sporto," they arc
,"".aIIy juSi ~uugry fur parcrttal attoutiuu, They arc acccptiug .be teaSing
or od1er hostilities assubstitutcs for genUineencouragemenl
, To be teased
.
isbeuerdianto~ipi-d(9,1 ..' -
. . "" .
"
Child bauering i$ an extreme form of discoDliling usually car-
, ried 0111by parentswho wereth~selves hottere4-The chaia of
'houering can continue thrOugh several generations unless m9t'C
, acleqDllt,epatternsfor parenl behavior are developed.. In America ,

il is estimatedthai 60,000youngdtildren killed Or_rei,

""' In San Francis;O
bealen.C8ch year .at the hands of their paren1S.
alone, 60 to 100children who hove heen m4im<!d by a parenl conie
to the ~tionof authorities each year.' .'
. ParentalviolenceloW"'" dtildren takesmany'forms.One fa.
!Iter; whO used pain
asa tiaining techoiqu.e, burned his child~s lin-
ger wi!lt amau:h while c\aimittglie was leaching biin 10 su.y' aw~y
from r~ Another father whipl?"dhis soa and lied him.lo the hed.
for slealing a penny off the ,dreiser. One motherbeal hermcinth-
old infant, causint bIo(K\ cIo1Son his brain, and interpreted It, "/'10
, one loved me an my )ife,and then I had my hobyand th()ught he
would. When he cried I thouglit he didn'llove me, so I hit him.'
Hedi~. . '
Child.holletin n1S us y need llrof ""~) trealm~
an 0 want it. ost 0 them have an inadequate Parent egel
state as wen as ahun inner Child. By a'Cti ting and iirl'orming
their Adult ego slates, thesCparen1Smay learn what to realisli~ny
. expect of a. child arid how 10 modifylbeir own brutal behavior.

. C llIustratioD

Early in life Cynthia experieq<:edphysical ~Ity. Ii was ;'01'

uncommon for hot coffee 1<>be """"dentally" spilled on ber,
and she suffered many scaldings. Cynthia was also d"liher-._
'aIeIy c:lilwith a knife by her mother -'10 teach "er not 10touch'
knives" and trained 10 avoid electrical soCkets'by having her,
?uger stuck in one. Later, whenCyntltia P"'1'nted she was
.. often CtIICllike her Dl\'ther, brutalizing litr, own children.
, Furtherm()re, she was exceedingly suspicious if anyone was
.
nice 10 her. She expected Ihe "worst" 10 happen,

,.
 58 BOIf.N TO WIN
,
Throu,gh studying TA Cynthia became aware, ofw/la,iher
'\"",-
er had done to her and /low she was repeating thIS behavoJr'
toward her children, She learned not to use the destructive" be-
havio( from her Pareht ego state and il15tead parented by \Ising
Adult controL Evenlually. she functioned as an adequa~ pareJit.
stoppel! all display of hr"tality. arid learned' 10 give positive
slrok~s. . .
"
,
"
Disco'unting in the work-a-day w",ld usuallY,s more subtle
than physical violerice. Inakes either the fonn of crossed tran$ac- ,
,
'

tions or of ulterior put-d,owns, p"t-olTs. and 'put-ODS. Some .Pllt;

'off, at work resemble !/Ie "niafshmallbws" parents throw to ,their I

children to put them 01T..Berne writes:' .'

Parentid supportive" staterneqls '(known C;oIlaqui,ally as "throwing,manh~
maUows"'oc"gumd1opl') al'(! fundamentally patroniz~ng., and transaction.; '
ally, they tire brush-offs. Functionally. they can be translated. . \ as fol~ ,
Jaws: (l)."lamg1ad to have an opportunity '[0 patronize you~ it makes-me
feel worthwhile.'~ (~) '''Do,n'l bothet me with )'our troubJes;' take this
'!t \

marshman~w and k~pquiet so'l c.nta~ about"mine~ ,(10~

One Sjllesperson might lOss a marshmall~w to another wilb
':That was terrible to have happen 10you.bullet me tell you about
,whathappene~ 19me thatwa~ even worse!"ot "You think-you've
got tr,o.ubl~s.just: w~it until you ~h~ar millc!" '.', .

Thewaysjrrwhieh<p~ople are touChed and recognized ofrenaf- "'"

feet their stroke palteros in Adult life. People who.werei!rutalized.

or ignored lend to shn!1k from lOuch. Pe~ple who were overstimu-
la(e<l may continue with an innatiabled..ire for physical.contact; ,

thes. people make very demanding spouses and may feel unloved
unless they receive a great deal of physical touchirig.Many people
develop peculiar touch 'pa.tterns. .' .

Ca. IlluatratioD

One distressed husband'complained that his wife warited 10

have her back stratched whenever he felt amorous. He inter-
preted this as a rebuff and was furthel'frustrated,becauseshe,
.became negative when he wanted 16 fondle her, breasts; In
marriage counseling. his wife recalled Ihat back-scratching
. Was the only way her mother touched heraftectionately as.a
child. To her, back-scratching meant love and alTection. She
also recalled that as a developing girl a farmhand grabbed
her breasts unexpecledly and hurt her. She was adamanl that
~he."di,dJ)'t want t~ be hurt tt-at _way a:gai~!'
 Tire IlumJlfl Hllnger for Strokes and Tim~ Structuring, 59

This woman eveillually learned nol to confuse her husband

with the farmhpnd. Every time the old, frightening tape was acti-
vated, she reminded herself, "This is m husband who.. loves me."
She aduall leanied to c' er,
r usband. Het husban in turn hecamemol'C
sensilive to her anxieties arid toalned, that they weI'Cnat' negative
toaclio,," , to his Inanhood.
. '.

mE BUNGER
.' .".
FORSTRUC1'URED.
", ,',riME .
' ' 'r
B~ing bored for;a 100ngtime 'h.a$tens en10tionaland physical dete;
rioratian in much' the .ame way as iilad<:quate stroking does. TO'
avoid the pain ofbol'Cdom, people seek something to do with thei~
time, What parenthasnot heard a bored child<whining. '~Mam..
what, can, I t'do 'new?" What, married. couple b~n.t $,at
aro~nd JIlusing. UWhat can.we do th~s weekend?", What we~ker'
hasn't heard anather one ",y, "I hate this. job when th s not
eneugh to de.", .." ,', ~ "
,<"

People structure their time in six possible ways. Sometimes,

theywitbdraw frourotherpeople; sometilnes, they engage inrit~-
als o~ paslimes; somelimes..theyplay psychologiCal garne~; SOI1l<'
ti~, tbey work together; and OCCl\$ipnaily.they experiertce a
mbmentofintimacy. .'

WIttMb-awat
.', . .
PeOplet.hemselves call withdraw from others either by.removing
th.emsel,",:s physicall~ or by rep)'ovin.8 themselves ps~chologi ",..ny,
wlthdrawmg mto'their fantasies. WItbdra.wal~haVler' cah. come
. from any of the. !hI'Ce ego sta'les.
Withdrawii. is sometimes a tatiol1al Adult'decision. People
ne _,-me ,a one, re ax, to t melrewn, ou, tt.t-tate..
'
.-stock otthCmselves. and' tobete.uvenated,In'tI1etr tnQ1Wluaihu~, I
~yen W.tbc.1rawal into. ene san_asleslso , n- egltimati:;.
"
AjiOOdfantqy may be a better use of lime than listeninll to a bad I

lecture.' .
i
'..
w.uIdra'Ving is sometimes based on copying pltrents. In this I
case~,theoPerson imitates'parental behavior,. Fot example. a man 1

threatened by conflicj with his wife may withdraw as his father did
when his mother go! m~d. He may leave the house, Tetire to the '

./

,
 liOB0I!NTO WIN.
. shop, or go 10 his study. Or, instead of physically leaving, he may
go 10 sleep or simply "tune out" IIis wife, not hearing whal she.
says. , ' '
' "
, WithdraWing patterns also come from the Child ego slate.
These are often replays of a person's c!1ildhood adaptaliolls out of
the necessily for ..'f-protection from pain or cOntlict. They may
aI,sohe the resu,lt of training. A child trained 10 "Go 10your room
and shul the door and don'l come out unill YOIlhave: a smile on
YOllrface" leains, ,10withdraw either physically or psychologically
. ,

behind a forced smile.

When a person wilhdraws psychologically, it is oflen inlO a fan-
tasy world. These fantasies are likelJlilO be ofuneensored pleasure
or .violence, creative imaginings, .'Of.of learned' fears 'and cataw
strophic expectations. E:veryone wilhdraws into fanlasy from lime
10 time. Who hasn'l imagined alllho.. groat things thai "could
have'" been said? Who hasn!t engaged, in some' fanciful, uncen~
sored pleasure? '. "

,
Ri......
Rituallransactions are simple and stereotyped complementalY
.jtransactions, like everyday hellos and gpOdbycs. Someone who
,

says. ~Good morning, how a~ you?" is, in most instances, Dot ac..
tually inquiring inlo the other person'. health and feelings, but in-
stead is expecting to. receive arituaJistlc response, uFine, how are
you?" In' this brief encounter both persons, Bet' maintenance
stroke~.
Many rituals of this nalure grease the wbeels of social il\\er-
change. They give sirangers a way of coming together, they savc
time in, figuring oul who should go first or be served firs~ and so
forth. Some cull..res, cnurch groups, politiealparlies, secrel or"
,ders, and social clubs struciu!e a great deal of time with highly
ritualistic palterns of behavior; (>ther groups are less' structured,
using theii time in olher ways. For many people, riluals become a
way of lite. After the ceremony is long past, the marriage may be
only a series of ritualisti,c transactions consisting mainly of role-
playing,of actions devoid of real meaning and intimacy, yet keep-
ing tbe .people alive with minimum strok~s.,
'
PlUtimes
Pastime transactions are those in which peopl. pa.lim. with 011..
lIIIolh.r by talking ~bQutiJlltocuous.sub) such as the w"th.r.
Whohasn't seen tWOold dI.n sjtli.1IS011a,park bench avidly dis. .
cuisingpolilics? .~.. govemmCJ\tought 10straightenout 'this
mellS, , .," Whq hasn't hwd twopre~ passing tiJ.II.allariJlg
commOll prj:jwtices."Aren't kidateTrib1e tOday. The way ~
., ,"'" bQflicasesthe pel'l\lns~~ opinion ~r opin...
.ion with total disrega!'d ~or the,r.ctf and enjoxevery JIlin!!... of it
PastimeS are rell!Iiv.ly. saCe: thetA superllcial exchanges are
.'
often lded between peoj)lewho 4I!n'tknowexch Other weJl,Fqi
l1Ipl.. 'at a diim.r ~rty it is nOlunoommon Corthe m.n 10 pass
the time talking about occllpations. Cars. spOrlS, or'th. stoc:Iimar.
ket, ",!iil.th. WOI\1.":pass thetim. iIIlking abQut Jef:ipes, children, .
.
or de""rating, , . .
. ' .
Pastim.s, as ",.11 as rituals. are ways p.opl. spCJ\d \im.108Cther
politely withqut' g.lIing involv.d ata de.p.r I.v.!, they provide .
the opportunity Corpeopl.to "psych" .ach ot..,r out Corthe possj.
,i)iUty orCurther involv.m.m in gaRl.s. activl'tic:s.or intilll~,

Gables

On. "ad~anillg." oCplaying psychological ~es is 10.suuctur.e

tim.. Som.. games Slr1le\Ut.only five nIi"utes oftim.. For exam.
pl., a secr.tary who plays lJlemishIa~u few min\lt.s 10poii\4wt
that th.bQss .lways Cors.ts 10put the "s. on th..third.pe n slil'
gulu verb or Cr.qu.ntly .misspells"abs.nce." ". .
Other.sam... such asDebtor.can strUCturea lif.tim., For exam.
pl.. wh.n a YOURS married <:oupl. play DtbtOt..ey So into he." J
debt CorCurnitur.. appliances. .cars, bQall. and so on, and with
.ach salary raiR th.y go.Curth.r into d.bt... bigger house. two .
cars, a"d so Corth.For a ""hole liCedm..nq matter what they .arn,.
th.y'r. always in d.bt. When Dtbtor... playa ..hardo Same. they
may CJ\dup filing for bankCllpteyor goln~ 10jail. . .
.. . . .. '

. . .
Activities are ways ofstrUClurin$ thn. that deal ",lth .]f.Iern~1real.
lty and are commonly.thought oras work. ~ellin~ som.thins done.
.
<It.

--- -
!..
.::r
t..
:4.
CD

i
,
64, BORN TO WIN .
Activities are onCn what peOple want to do, need to do. or have to
do-alone or with others. ,
.

'.
~on a comm~lIee playin,in a hand'
progmnming a ~e . propanng ajoint pn>ject
weedin, Ibe ~n l\Ii$weringlb. pfume
o<gon;,..nga precinct c:ookia$dinner. '.
dictating a Je~ . unloading a ship .
building a house sewing a dreas
<\rawi"8 blueprints.. 'building biidges
.
When sonieof the above, d other time-honored~ties
cqme to an end. a person frequently f~ empty, restJess,'or use-
.Iess. This problem comes inl(>sharp awareneSs.whencertain time-
'IrUCIurins.aetivities, such as caring for children, goillg to ~ool,
or holding a job, come to an abrupt end. ",
Many mothers who complelely rill their time with child_ ind
household chores are overwhelmed with a sellSOof boredOm lind
i""dequacy wllelllbe children grow . up and leave home: Similarly,
, afatherwhodevotethislifeto abreadwiniterma su/ICNhe
same boredom' an eteriorale ra . r re l
. n ml 0 actiVities erent ways for slructUring time can
emerge.,RituaIs. pastimes, games, and even intimacy niay octur.
For example, vice-presidents c;an pl,y Harried E>:ecu,iWlon Ibe
job, saYing "V es"to so many requests tba1they finally collapse, In
the melintime, they harass and overwork theit secretaries as well.
When these Mr. or'Ms. Harrieds leave the room, their secretaries
may switcl\ from their typing and filing activities to a common
pa$time of ,till" il A wful. "What a bosst saying 'Ves' 10ovOl}'body,
.8/ld we end up with a lot of exira work. Ain't it awfuL" When .the
hilssre-enlers the 109m, they may.switch haclr.to w.ork.activities 6r
move 10 the ritual of a colfee break or withdraw into' tbeir own
fantasies-perhaps angry onet-Or initiate a g&II1e.

IntblUle:r
At a deepelleVel of human encounter th8/l rituals, pastimes,
g&II1es,andactivities lies th~ potential that each person has for in-
timicy. Intimacy isfree of game. 8/ld free of exploitatioit.lt oc-
CUrsin those rare moments.ofhumancontac! that arouse feelings
of tende,?,,,,, ~mpathY' and affection. S!",h affection is no!just
 '.,.,..8.- 8..,..."" s_ n.wS , 65
"""
thewarm _doli a person II.Ii&htget from a gllmpee of sbapeIj
. Icp or broad sJioulden. Intimacy involves genuine c:arin&
People can live orworJr.together for m8JIYyeanbut_ really
._the o!!ter for the rUSttUIIe-seesthe other'. coJorinj. the 0IIe .
""",," or "bear" each othef. Yet; a moment may a>me wbat
"fh-
er'sexp~the other's III&!'Y
sba ~ ditf_
The olle may also beat the \>therfor the ~ I\m bear all the 0111,
a's messages, v~ . aDd DODvedja),emoIj'onaI UbI faCIUL
Th!: c;of intUII"'Y can occur in the D1it1stof a crowd or in
.a.
'

COIIIinai"lfriendship,.atworliOrin a marria&ereIati~. Inll. ..

m"'Y may bsppenif: "

A penon aucom:ert briefly c:atd1~the q<cofuirapger: FlIt

that moment they are aware of the bOnd of "utu~ en-
joyma,tt. They smile openly at each ot!ter.in a rrtOIIU!iUot
intintacy. " ,
,,' '

A bUsbandaad wife at work ...eeding \heir garden expe1io...« .

, a sense of~s...bid>spoolatleo""yleads.tbem IA!~
cat CODt"'"that validale!i !!teir aff~. ,
",
'
A' father loobinto the tear-sqiled f-.;e ofbis wbo k6t
, blU'ied his dog. He pull hiS arm.around the and 8Y' "'t"s' '

"'?'mto his fatbeis

~..
tousJi to bury a good ffiaul." The boy melts ,

, armS, rdeasi"lhis pie{. For thatmQIIICIIIIh9 are ckIie;

, Two qIeit work toAether f.,.. ieveraI weeks ita-
portaDtp~Iot the """pany. One presents,II""....
'&gelllCllt and, the proposal is rejected. When ,be J8tan1a,.1P
c:oU"!'Sue l(JOksinto hiS fl!:e, and, without words a feeling of
, undtrstanding for tbeirmutual disappointment.p_ be-
tween them. '

,
Any acti,vJties such as goinlto a conCert" digging in a garden.
buryin, Ii dog, or working on'. ptopoW Ie~'" a c:onteat in
whicb mtimacy can occur. In modern life intUII"'Y;seems rate.
People who fee' crowded in one ...ay or anOlhcroften _ "psy-
chologic;ll" space. They may withdraw or .-rt to ritualjltiC \IY.
ing and use "keeping your disl8DCe"t!:dmiques. Even ..bett
Jammed into a crowded elevator or trai!I they remain ~pre-
tending not to seeoue,another., ' '.
, Intimacy is often 'frigh!eDi"l be!:ause it involves risk. In an inti. ,

mate relationship peorte are vulnerable, and many tiQleS'it seems

I
 66 BORN TO WIN
easier to pass time or to play games than to t'lsk f1(elings either of
,iffection or of rejection. '
\
\ ,
. .
"
If the caJUlcity Cor intimacy has been unnecessarllysuppres~9'
it can be recovered. Throug!t activating and srrengthening \h~
Aodultego state, people ca n change insphe oflheir early IiCa expe-
rjences. Recovering the capacity for intimacy is a maNr goal bf
,

T A and is one of the marks of a,autono,nious person. , Winners

risk genuine intimacy [11].'

8UMM~Y
every infant needs touch to grow. Positive stroking encourages in.
Can,lSto gtow into the winners tbey w tiprn to be. Disco,!nting
encourages losers. Infants who are ignored or strok<d negatively
arc encouraged to becomelpsers.U nless there is a strong interven.
tion and a decisi..n to fight against lI\e loser's script, thes.people,
in turn, tend to produce other lose" ,
, Your own mental and physical healtb .r.likely t9" be relatedto
lb. ways you wcre touched and, recOgnized: If you have negative
patterns, about touch or recogni)ion and wish to expand your
'cap~bilities, It is never too late I~ learn how.
Learnihsto change old habils'of discounling is not always easy.
'However, people can become awareoC ho)\' Ihey disco)1nt Ihem-
i.'
. selves and otbers and develop new panerns'or trall$8Cling. Inslead 'I
'
of giving anullerior pUI-down, they can delibera!cly activate Iheir ,
Adult 10 cbeck destructive remarks and bebavior. They can filter
I
what they cboose to use fromtheir'Parenland ,Child .go sl8les
Ihroug!t'their Adult. Instead of discounling. they can give poijlive
str,*es to otbers and even to Ihemselves. Tbeytake 'responsibilit)'
,
for their behavior. '
'
'
Actual parenlS wbo arelrying to' make sucb changes usually
need more Adult data. They need tbe skills laugbl in parenlu.in-
ing courses [12}. Theyneed to studycblld devel0l'ment. 'Iheyneed
, to watch more "sI1ccessfu1" parents. And Ibey need IQ work pn
transacting in nourisbing "I'ays. ,
,
.

When people decide to do Ibis, their messages become 11I0re ip-

,propria.. to Ibe siluati9n~clear,undiluted, direct, al!4 relevant.
They lalkstraig!tl When a linle girl asks ir~e ,can wear her new
, dress. ~heparent states "'YesttoruNo"w-ith ratiOnal reasopl'.'Whcn
a wife asks ber ,busband wben be'li be .bome,ite
,
answers h<\rwilh
available data.' ,.. '
 .,
---
 PLA'tE V
(continued:

SometIme.
. they: engage in ritual or pastim88\
e,,"nencea moment of
intim.cy, withdr.w from.one
another, WtJrk together.
--~~
 70 BORNTO WJN.
Time 18slJ:uctured iit Ihe process of getting. giving. or'avoiding
. strokes, Withdrawing is a way to, avoid strokes. Rituals and pa$-
times prOVl'deminimal stroking ala supe rliciallevel. Games are
. also a source of strokes.-o&" nel!Oli1lJ'.Activities andintimicy
,

...now
~\ for positive strokes that are befitting a winner. '

EXPERIlIIENT8 AND EXERCisES

. 1. You 8Dd Touch

To become more' aware of your louchpattems. reflect ol1the

last forty-eighl hours. Evaluate your capacity to give and re-
ceive touch. "~
. .'
Whom did )'Dutouch?
Negatively? .' .
.
' did you touch them? PoSitively?
HOw
.
,
. Did you avoid touChing someone? Why?' Do you wi¥> you
,
had, touched someone? Why?
.
.. Who' jouched you? How did. they touCh you? Positively?

.
Negatively?
.
.'

Did you avoi<\ letting.omeone

.
touch y';IU? Why? Do you wi5h
.

someone had touched you? .

. I

Now'1birrlc:ofyo~r hunger fodo'uch'aS,ifit wete on a continuum

, ranging fro", avoidinglouch to seeking il incessantly. Where
.
" do you Judge yourself to he on the continuum? Where .would .
you like to be? '

+
,
", . \.

Now'use a continuum to evaluate the frequency with which you

touch others, the -intensity you use.,. the authenticity of your
.
touch. ~ ..'"

'\
 The HUfh(lItHllrapr.lorSlnNrnQt81I TIme SNWClllrillg 71

. Can you r.lal. your currenltoucb palterns 10 your cbildhood

.xp.rien..s7 If you can'l r.m.mber bow Yl>uw.r. toucb.d-
and wbere-Ib. following ...rcise will b.lp.
, .
",

'Draw an outlin. of your body. bolb f~nl and b~. Color Ib .'
areas red wb.~ you w.~ lOucb.d a 8ftat d.aI; colorlbem '
pink wb.re you were tOuch.d less frequ.ntly; green wb.~
you wer.. seldom toucbed; I!lue' wh.~' you lIer. n.v.r'
toucb.d. Wb..~ lb. touching was,ru;gatlv.. draw black lines
, .
Ibrol1gb 111.colOr. (13)
. .
Stu~y your "toucb portrait." Try to r.-~pcri.j1COoldfeelings.
Do youbav. curr.nl tou.chbarri.rs lbal r.late to th.se .arly
,

ex~rience!7 .
_ . ,~. '. .
,
Now Iry On. of Bernard Gllnlber's expt:rim.,,1S il\ s"ns<>ry
. .
awareness.
'.
"." .l\.end yourfing.rsall~Joinls and b.gitlll!Pl'ing 111..10\>.
of.your .h~&d;a liv.ly hal~-inchbouncing ~igorous tap lik.
. Tam falhng (15.,20 seconds m each area). N.xll"!' arou!1d Ihe
· eanand lb. sid.. of lb. bead;'Then ov.t lb. for.h.ad. \'/091
re-Iapov.i your enlit. h.ad,' dOiilg an .speciallygQod job
over any plac. Ihal fe.ls il needs kliltle' .xtra; gradually 1.1
III..lapping subsid., Pal your hands down \0 your sid.s"c/As.
your ey.s al'd beco\T1.aware df how.your h,.ad f as a ~-.
sull of what you've jusl do~. .!1d Ih.nslowly opcn.your
ey.s." 114)' . .',", '.:
this' experim.nt is oforIbose r.arful'of touch: . .

.think of on. ~uch pallem yoU'~'~k;'\O chang.. Whal i~ il

you do now7 Whal do you.Wlinlli1 be abl. 10 d07
,. . .
lritagin. yourself doing som.lhiilg d,iifer.nt. Picture yourself.
'",inma,n,y Sili!ltions louching Ih~ way you wanllo.
I
I
. Now filter Ihroug" your imagin,ing
. a~" ask yourself "What'
. would, be a'i right to. do7"
.
Imagi".yourself
S.. yourself 10ucbil1j\.
,
..: ....
doiilg tbis many lim.s. See.th. otll.r'pcrson.
' .
.. .
. \\,\1.n you fe.lco'ilfid.nt enough. Iry i! willi.an aclualp.rson. .
 BO~N TO WIN

. J. Y_ 8114BeeopitiOD
'

To become aware ofyotir ~tion patterns. return to Exper-

iment I. Substitute, the wo!ll "recognition" for the word
.~touch." ' '. " .

Ev'll\l81e your hunger for rc<»gnition on the ~ntiJ!uum belo1v. ,

.. -j +',

Now evalUate your ability to give recognition to others.

-+'

. Are you satisfied with your plaaoment

no~ what wOUldyou clIange?
00 the continuums?
,
'
.I(

Now 1'\'CaIlthe kind of rc<»gniliooyou received as a child. Do

negative? ,
.
you' believe your parents~eyou enough? Was it positive or
, ,

,
'

'

.,' How did they compliment or criticize you? Wbatwoqis

0.'._
did
they use? . '. ..

'. What nonverbal messages <,f recognition were: given to you?

Were there any family $ignaI$ ,such aswink.s Of apptOval,
,.
hand sign$ indicating "O.K." or "craiy in the head," a'finger ;.
shake of "no, no," a clenCbcdfrstinJhe face, or a-threatening'
removal of a belt? '

.
Lon$ider your current recognition patteJ'll$:
Do yoU now' roPy the rc<»gnilloil patten,. ..fYour parents
with
, your Children, friendi, or work 'lWOCialeS?' '
,

'.
'What pauernshave you $DCCesuuUy!'hanged?
. I. there aoyan" in yo!,r life now-a $pou$<, \>o$S.friimd-who
'

givesyou the same kind of either negative or positive recogni-

.
'

tion as your parents did?,

'
 73

a. y 011 8Dd TIme Stracturlq

. Wbaldid yourparenlS say abo)ll1jme? Did tltey use phrases

sueb as: "YOI' only live once," "Enj!>yil wbile you may,"
I6DOn'.~liSte:your time,,, "What are y~u going,to; do, sit.
around all day? ~I goins." or "Relax, honey, Ih~'s
. 'always
,
.. anq,tlter dsy."?. .
How did tltey use ~eir own time?

. Do.any of tlteir verbal !>rnonverbal' ~cssagcson time inn~:

encc. YO,!today? Do )Ou feel driven, lazy, I'OOfused, stalled,
.

fulrdled, empty,whal? '

".Are you fightingtim.e? Killing il? lImg it? Enjoying il?

· Now 'select'an average wcekdsy and try 10 determine whal
percentage of your lime.is structured with rituals; ""'times.

.
.
withdra~ng. attivilies, games, and intimacy.
Do Ihe same exercise coJl$.i4eringa weekend.
.

.
. Are you satiified with your auiM1es and feelings abo,!lclme? .

If nOl, whal would you considp a be\t~r use of the. time .(If
your Iif.? For example, if you Slopped playing. a game )Villi
- your spouse, or a friend, how could you struc\ure your, time in
a ~(Jre satisfying l\lalU1er? '.
.
. When you are al work bul nOI,..;tUallyworking"how do you
.
.
structure yo,!r time? .

4. Your Capacity for Intimacy

Thlle~perimint kforthosewho want to"become m~re aware
of their cap~ty for intimacy [l~). II should be condu<:ied wilh a
spous"or a trusled friend andwith lheiragreemenl. The agree-
meitl should include a decision nol to withdraw and nol to in-
.
. dulilein riluals,pastimes,or games.Sel a timelimii of fil\ee.n
mmu-tt's. .

Selecl a quiel place with few distrattions, Sil facing each other,
nol more \lian five feel apart. Look directly inlO each olber's
eyes. .

.
 74 BORN TO WIN .
, "
T like turns sharing something with each other that is a genuine .

concern-a worry, an interest, an incident. Share both thoughts

and feelings.
. .
'
When listening,..try t" give active feedback. :w)Ienspeaking, try
. to be clear. Be aWare of your emotions and expross
aware of hoW your 'emotioDS change.'
.. them. Be

'Share bll!'k and forth severaltimes..What feelings do you have

toward yo\1r partncr after the experiment? . .

, .
 4
The. Drama of Life &ripts
.
. A Ii rhe world'.. a srage
. Alld al! (he men and womell merely pIa";,..
They have thei, exits 411dtheir entrances;
Each 1IIa1l111hisrim~ plays many parIS.
Shakespeare
. .
Most-peo tCareill'l0lvedin sOme'form of theatflcs,performins"
. on severa y stages for different audienees. At times, the audience
. .
exists only in llie mind. .:
According to Frederick Perls, each pe'"'!n h!lS two stages-the
privatestagc>where, in the hiddenness of secret thoughts, one con-
tinwilly nihear$es for the fU!!lre,.alid the public stage where aper-
son's acting can 'be Se~n. Perls Claims, "We Jive on two leveJs__thc
public ~vel which is our doillg, which is observable, verifiable;
aud the private stage, the tltinkin8 stage, the rehearsing. s/Age, on
which we,prepare fOr the f"lure roles we want to play" [I).
. Rehe!,rsingon the private stage in the mind may sometimes be'
appropriate, .but too much ,of it leaves a person tun'eli. ~"t and
preoccqp.ed..' .
CaseIDustratioD

At her first group counseling $Ossion..Doris avl'ic:led looki,,:g

. at anybody.She stareli.at the ceiling; the wall,the 11'00r,o~ at
her hands. When asked what was going on inside, she replieli,
.
"I was trying .to figure out how I should act ¥re. I thought
and thought about it all the way over hut still don't know
what to do. I know I want everyone to like me. it may sound
silly but I wondered, should I act shy oiwouid I be liked bel'
ter if! call\e on strong? Should.! act smart '1r dumb? I was .
.
15.
 76 BORN TO WIN
thinking so hard abo~t it I almost didn't, see a dog run in fiont
of my'car," . .

,
Doris had been so pr.occupied witlt rch~ng on her private
stage for tl\. kind of performa!)ce she int.nded 10 act out on, tit.,
public stag. of tlte coun~eling group,
,
tht it was almost as thougli
,
she pidn't v. ey.s,', ' , '

Public stages on which people act oul their sCripts cao b. h0I\\1"
"
place of worship, social gatherings, school, office, factory, '.tc,
Some p.ople prefer one stage over otlt.rs, This is trUe of a person
whos~ tim/;.,isspent mostly at the offic~ rather t~ -athomei oraf
'a person whois the perp.tual student and whose only public stag.
is the campus, However, most p.ople spread tlteir energi.s to sev-
eral stages and oftenplaydiff~rent'parts on each, A man who is.
tough boss on the job may; at home, become'a mass of jelly at tlte
hands of his three-yearo{)ld daughter, , '

SC'RIPTS

,In the life of every individual tlte dr,!matic life everts, the, roles
thaI are learned, rehearsed, and acted out,~rc originally deter-
mined by a script. ,
.' .
. ,
" ',_
, ~
.

A psycholotcalscript [2] bears a striking r.semblance 10 ..the- "

atrical script, Each has a prescribed cast of characters, dialogue,

acts ~nd scenes, themes- and plots, which move towar-d a climax
ande~d with a final curtain, A psychological script is a person's
ongoing program for a life drama whieh dictates where the person
is going with his or her life and the path that willlead.tlterc, 11is a
drama an individual comp1,11sively as:tsout" though one's aWar~
ness of it may be vasue.,
" " adventur~,
Aperson's seript may resemble a soap opera, a wild
a tragedy. a saga, a farce, a romance, a joyful comedy, or a"dull
'play that ,bores the players and would put an audience to sleep"
DifTerentdramas contain varying_.degrees qf .constructiveness~' .
destructivenesS" 6r nonproductiveness-"go~ng ,nlJwhcI:e.. . .
The drama of life starts at birth, Script instructions are pro-,
grAmmed inlO,tlte Child ego state tIirough tranlactions between
parent figures and their childfeJ\, As childrc!) grow'they team 10
play patts-heroes, he~ines. villains,. vic~ins. andrc$Ctlers and":'"
" ~nknowingly-seek others to play com~lemenlliry rQles,
 ,
'
D. D,.,imo
./ ~ih Sc'ipI. ,,77
,When grqWRup, people play oUI theirsc:ripls wilhinihec:onleXI
of the SOCiety in whiCit lhey Jive and which has ilsow" dramalic ,

.
paUen.s.1\SShakes!'!'.re ¥id, aIItbe wOIidis a SlaV. IndividUals:
fOllOW sCripts; /Bndlies fOIb>wscn
, , ,
,,,IS;,n/llionHOIi

. Each individUal's life is a"unique:dtarna

,
,
OW rip Is!"" " "I.
",hieh 'CAniaelude, a;.
,
, , , , , ,

, 1>1_ of bOth familyaild ~1t...raI scrip!&. T!teinltrplaY. of",*

,
sc:ri~ affects lI1edtaJria ,,-,,~ach~n'.!ife . im6 thel'Ct.y'!i'~I\I$
tllehiSroryof itpeOpJe. ,.'
"

'I

I
I
J
I
I
I
/.
 :.( -- ~ ,--- ~ ,--....-

. .
--- -- --" ~ --- -- --
..
 10 , BORN TO Wilt,
wllcre Brilisll iDflll!'Deeis overriding. suc;ha clCmonsttativedis-
plar between,men is coJisidered ~ Most c:ullureshave fa.
::t~='::~~U:::~ilJe:==
., 'this aspecIofa c:ul1IIraI!lCrip1<isret1ec:tcd ,in inlfivjdual...yior.

,,
. \ . . .
'. A ,. is iDW8Rvc poup con rcir'COJ\CCD~ p..;.,.. !>f'
',' iimi>for.
. . . filii!layor a uad.' .' ' .
~""'" . . .

.
.
- ------- --
 114. . BORN 'To WIN.
"We Smith women have always made'goo<! nurses," '.
"We GOld,enshave produced thr.e generalij>nsof politicians,"
''There's always at I~ast on~orse thief in our famay."
, "rhe. sons in oUr family have a reputation focul'holding
.
the traditions. Qf the armed services," . ~'
. A family tnemberwho. <loes~ot live lip to the script expectation
IS often tholight of as the "black sheep." Howev.r, a particlllar
family script C9ultl'call f!>fabhick sheep \Oidd inmgue or the
.
possibility.
of . ..,apegoat\0 thefamilyscene, .

Many family scripts have. an explicitse! of ditettioQS fur ellch

indivi<lue.linti!.family, wit1i<liff(ent expectations for. each sex.
For example, il18nol uncomJ!ion for 'th.firstbom SOlito hold a I

IImq\1eposition within tile family, Olle.gradllate student !'CPottmg. ,

on her familyscriptingstated: .:
~ . .. . "
.o.i Ikmil£'Crip' bas ils roots in haIY',Every",. has 10be ""ahar '"'Y, !'i1>'
(:om11l""i.. !lay i. imporia.t as s birihday, The old.., SOI\is.always .~. . I
"

'~ed~o' '.~ a pri'F5t.

At leastone dauJhteris eXpected,~o~nter ~~
convent; ,11'1f.c:t~1.rem~m~er.decidin8,agamsl bcinganuft:"when I was
a~tnine~use.l couldb't,w~ high heels,at~e~tOrtvent

I\Mtlu,r'studCllt tePOl'led: . ,
,
I,
hi our family the boys follow ;n'the (oo!$top.; oftheir,father, they are...
peeled 10
~ farmers:,The SirlS: make their hushands and'~bildren t1i~r~.,.
reers.'&ft4anythi.ng,else.is att~ked forbeing~nfeminine. Mother often
:S$id."T~e Lola ma.de,yo~ female to havechil.dren and, to lake~ate of a
husband;-Runriingtheworld i~ formen." It's always ~en this wa)rin oUr
faR\ily. SOwhcnl became a.tcacher, itcaused a_101ofconsternatibn. Partor
, me felt prQU<1 ~f myself: anQther pI,rt' fd~-as if I'd done.somethiog wrong
~d disgr~ced my tamiiy.1 reaUyfelt'C8ught ina bind.
~-, .'
Curr"tIt ieseaich[lOjindicates!hatthe kind ofScriptingfoi gitls
.,..hith equates inteliectualsc~i'Vem~nl Withlcss offemininily is a
. ~o",mon theme in )nanYA~lcan fa~ilies, When ,Ihisistl1ecase,
,the woman "iho uses herinttlli8enct may t~l1d 10 ~Iittle ber sue>
" cossri ancl sUff~ from foelin.. of guUtover not ~ng "1!"oinall1y.:'
'. As n"ledin tli.previous cases,nol all f,amiliesperpetuatt!f~!'
,Iy..,ripts. In fact. ma,nyindividualuh,:/or families work at delib.
erately thr01!"in8off ~ script.traditions of Ihe "old country" (>r
th05eofthe older generation. Some traditio", simply die because
"

"
.
-' --
 .88. 1tORN 70 WIN "
"
A child is ~d oc:cupationally wben parents say:
_. . .'
"George was 1out 10 be a doctor.~ "
"Tbat kid will never lipid ajob." ,
'
.
. "Wilb)'!>urgetup !IUd.gO,
you could~lIrefriaCrak)" 10
Eskimos." .'
'

":\Vh8t a n~ you'd make!"

. "Sbe's.1Oo lazy 10 """".~.
. ..

qne manro,.embers a (...iily friend's1~8 atbim"lluaRly

"
. "

. and .sa yius. .. Y OU.d,mik eagoodla"'5'<F,yODJlgman.you'vegota

gift
. of'pb."
. . . This
. man
. is nOw a .di8trictaltomey. '. .
'. ElICbchild receives specific scripl ins\lllCrionsrelate4 k)bis or
her _&ltdmarriage..Fouxample, "When you get mlitIjed. , ,"
se~a differenl message from "If)'!>ugei married, . -A ~'s .
Mute.sexual roles and altitudes art influenced by sndljudgmentS
~ "'
~ "'".

i, lU.<>u.er!".
"ISlft,she lhe lil~ ,

..You'te sndla .era y kid,you'U' ' never hea man."

.
~'WhY.
cou!dI\'1y.,u have'been a boy!"
,,'
"Don'tbo.1Oo
,-.. smar~ boney.'
. It mighl
. __ lbebOys
a y. .. '. .' - ',-
. " '

f, (. "We are J~ and expect you, 10 manY a ~."

"Playaround'bUl dOll" marry, ibaUcind of a;.t."
/'
"Marriage i.atrapt~1 only fools .filJl(or.".
, 'People receive scripting' m~ about many areas bf life. . .
Aliout educatiua '..pe~n may hear,"NalUrany yo,,'II get 10col-
lege" or "Conego;. for eggheads." Aboulreligion apers<>nmay
hear, "W.e~y~to keep'lbe T~ ~olllmandlllenlS" Or
"Chun:h is.for !he birds." 'Atiout recreation ",peI$OI!mllYhear, ,
"p~~exercise it ~ foryQu~ ()r"PIa~ ball.is a waste of "
lime." ~beaJlb a petsol1may hear, "'IS aUin'yoiltmind" or
. .~ sare)'OU!'bnwelsIIIbVe~ry day.- ' '. I...'

.,; Fail\ire or goinll.nowhere.mpts may ~I from unrealisli~ c!r

.
in~rate pr"$"ammml!: For example, a person may be encour-
agedk) be a doctbF or lawyer but at the ""me ,time may,nQIbe

'.

.
 "
-
T",o,.,.,.ofLif<S. ,:89
'

gW!'!'UlYIllessa'g.. about the ti";C,~tcllecli1a1 abili'r' eduCation,

Ind IIIOncyit Iak.. to get t/tc",. ',,' ,
,"
There i$ c:oDsidcta1l1ctnlth ~ the cliche, "It's "01 wfun YOII58Y,
iI'othe...ay tbat YOP"y it."'SoIll~III'" parnl$~t a child by
58ying one IhiI!&while iriipiying ,",other. TIiis Is what Pctls CIft'
ph..;.". 'WIlenbe says moat ~glsa lie. llegardl!188of w,lI4ta "

paient.sa,ys,a child Is lIIost~to t'"fK>DdtOIlPnW:rba!;IIICI'

..~:ti!DcIct;afJ'~tc"O(Ixiw8c.lJove~"!< q1iile'!iUICf-
eatfront ~, ~COJIplitinC888JC:' ' '
.,
".
AtcIISe "Of ~uhcl1OvCyJlll:~ ,
;,
'An .imjry' "Of~ll..e. I ioV8ygU}' ,
. A diulCrCstcd "Of cou~ t kwc you." , .
,

..
 ~ >t\<.<,f\:ill(;.jl'lr~WiN)(i,~, ~k
,"£,iI b(aiHt4plitMUl_d>mit JtI'~~~jl!ll\
. quote theparat>lesof Je.us.~.,oQIdAl~donI:t.li"r
[ .ed'aildJl.~~;~»Irrtwo,
.~"' !I"_I~tt'<?"t>.
. ~dfHijf>ba.!~~"'-r~t;"'oI¥'~~'~'~
4IT~,'IbIhUel1i'lla}'~"!~}~'ql)l! ~Ir~w 8"11Irotto aqr{..
,Iii l£rlw')o 2tJ;3ib1J)~~fI ,.:tiT !; .ij~oi~l,M:r(',(t(h .t'tf~:$~' 11,3ffW ~si?4B(t
,
-'~i1l~__)I*I!JII~tIIt .lIfdiImilhlttilfe~~C
,-1lIi(~~~a$~__"\JI...~
alr.atit'ndil!8tl>~I\J~.",...,j-fII"1~o(HI:iIs~1
"""t.spenonacbildrI~.)4).TI1ey~d..tructiveinJu,octiollSlbal I

are give" cli!ljerdirecdyaJld fI:~flljlih~1ii\tII>;tiapliCa' "

tion-'"Iikea:''wilchliI.ssa8$~~~<!tJL~iI'~I"'Car,
,.,. ,;~'
are: ,'.'" '.
"
~'.1J~'t, ~w(~f 1:;i;;1!ft):~ 10"h~j2oi:#nJ?Ib A

. "
"Y"u can"do,lbat'Let'me,dQit'lorYQu."
"If they gave a pri... for ~~, "
~1IfNSfqma?
.,',
" "Go play QIl,\he ftee..a~" , """f~!n-:Jt:aq"l4t',.'
;::H(r.~tIro1~G~qq~\t1Wkv11i£;JJ'JQ'i ?.jSA,~tim, fJQd1Jt;
.~"atrr".a,q.~~.~~"'4)~b()1qtr\):I'IO..d:}!l"'itJ:!:IJ~~b 1~~~A)3vi!'
,onut,,! ."i)"~_~l(r:~"'JiJi4~\i!J>Ib<lj""..y.'fTo 1i~dl'j" ;ZUli"

~!~;1~':;~i~;::r$~Jl)M$iJH!It~~~~~fi~;\~'~:~~;:
A clui~ inay~~f6\I'H%a6f.&\if_Wn°p.:fghm 3t\to"di9:"o;' ,

.Tbe boy w~os..eve,>:act of aggQ OD~FKM~X::.~it

. be a.mJm. _" , . ,c
.
hoJif~:r/!I<t>I&<~~~1IIII'8r~ieel"
i&;ff1Dbtr¥i _ "ndEi lIft :tt}';':dilnB~ O1;111-J f.ul

~m'. '@I,':6~~~ .;"~f,~~~~~iJ!~

.
"
tf~~ld~1S "

~1:':lnrer'.~~:.~, _ :bffla aJ:]:} ,

,
, ,
.' . ,

, j',
i larelllVith' ' ill i flits. "'I'Onure
',!/. ,fj,iv:)sR2 IN, I, fl-!t~..,'. _ ,;'
,,~,'
.'" '"
~',~, ft ,d~;'(- :~ib 1~"()<(Jittt£1 -UJl: ru z~9bi.u~.la1~'~ ',.
.'
r~=~:~N1Iti~Naf!l~ '~.nJJ'
,or~hepei10n,,;'l>reak~'1\1~_~~8 a
"good \>oy"oca "gOodgirl" byfollowmg msor ber'J!!IfeDIS'
,~l!In§!oIg h""li~hbf.~' Jf.! ,'<40 I 'jlif ~ffI HA ',">""'\ '
:li»A>\Md>ttiMi&'Ii~dI!I'~_~~~d'

.
 ., ..
.
< .-~
-' : ,"
""..
';7.-i-
f".c"
---~._-
-
 92 ,
/lORN ro WIN ,
,

'
prescriptiOns for dte child, jiven !rom tt.e Parenleg\>stateof
'
a
chlld'sTadteror mother 10!he Parenl egqstale \)fthe child. Claude
Sieinerbelieves Ihat"Thc witch or ogre injunction is far 1JI0rep<)-,
lent andmeanin8fUi Ihan dte COlIJ)lerscri~1 ., ."!I 6J.AIthOuah
the pet!lOn may vacillate belween the'desuuctivescriPI , 8tId the , , ,

moreconstruClive,toUnterScriJft, the colinterscriPllDayfail. ,

,
J
'ROLES AND ~IN un DBAMAS '
. ,'.
'AS1JI~...m received, the cbild talte&pYth9Iogical posi\iOiis
, I\lId"develops dte IQlesnccetsaryto fulfill his or her,life dramas.
Once!he.roles arededded ~~,~persc;n's Child egq stateseJectii '

and m"",pulates ~ to JOIn his or ber cast of characters. For,

eJl8mple, inthnates tend w base~r mille selection,on <OIDpIII'
,
mentary Sl:ripiS. "
,
""
An atl\biti\>USyl>U1tgm8Dwho is Sl:ripte<ito be<:ome a lOp exec- "

,', )tliveneedsam..-ri.,.partoerwhQ.is,JI1otivatedto:h~lp,hi1'!,~1 ,

"
'r"J;,,:,,] /~. He seeks out. properly eiI'Ic:ated,h<lsl~rien~, eq1iaIJy
i ,,,
',' ' ~...olJlan who will 1101 foul up his dramatic plans' In turn; '

,\' slieselecis him to (II a requir,ed role in her scnpd,ven when j>1an-
" to incIudcoihenwh~~ play.
':,~;t!:Zi::= ::r-:~~Iy ,'
,
The same ~ \>fselectiOllhappens WbetlIlwoinad, w~o JwI '
1
"
tak,en,!he positinn "Men are "ums'»m..-ri.. ~siq~ce o( '
''bums," Part of her script is based 011~~enare nol-OK;";Sheflll- ,

,fillS her o~ prophecy' by na8ging. pusItin& complaining. 8tId ,

generaHym~ng1ifemiserabie for'her h\lSband(W,bohas his ~

'. to play), EventliaRy,she manipulates lliin into leaving. Then she
. can say, .'Scc, I told you. !den are bums who JC4VeyOUwbendte
,',

'g6~h~:t:. \iSUaRy
m~pUlate~~dter.hom thepOsItion
_,
. ?=~~r::a~w:.u.;r=~er;:::~:~o':"lay
fe;l Vii;lImi~in dt,e~If\he hypoclto"dria<>
givesup iIIe
~iP1llative JIOSI
'u.m.Ofhel"' sr '_-.Ihe
Sp<>tlse w.hO'may /101
"
ready 10change pClSjlions;may aggravate thebypocbon<llUic's!H:
'& ,
~.
,
, ,
,
.
ness 10reiestablishthe former role~lalion~p. O~ ",e other hItiId; '
, ,

"
"

iflbe spi!useisth.r1l'SHo decidl!lIOlIoplay lite eJ<pectedpart,the'

hypoch\lDdriac may develop more pnDounced 8yJDptoms or may
seek someI'ne e!seto play the rescu',..tpersecutor roles.' ,.
'

.
. SOmetiJDes,a,lif~ dra,,!a calISfor one cO-starto, exil and anew
.'
'. - '.
 t

, n. 0...0{ £If<:rm,u 9iI

one toehler the .sc:c:ne.
This.is frequendy "boeryec!in ",aniages of
pr'!fessional men wbodllJ'iq Jo~ yean ofu.w118 need a leadinJ
. lady""0' i.a workil18wifeand UIcarefulwilbmoney.However,
inhisprof_ .
~
when. $UCbal\\. anftn.all Y. . . 'on.and bep' 10
moYem a,dilJercot~
wilb different..~biJi
. .
.
!tiuerjpt may requirea co4Iat
.. . , .

~.te.,~, fr:le~,.and ene/lliea'Ire o'!\en,eelel:tedfO\'dicit

m.mpolative :potentW, P~r Ihi. kind of ~on 10pay off, '
e<l-playe,;i"'U$I~ ,liIe tOpI&ytile "daJ\t~'pmes.nc1 to fulM""a
.
I\)lnequiremllDttblll,
mary. m.mpulative ~tjol1l~lOpdog.nd
~ the .:ript~ !'etls '4eser:lbe$ ttto,., pri-
u~"8; ~.

, tlic:lOfcIoa"'Iy'~ "*"~..~ .ulh9ti~...;.he knows H.I!

_.. tiah~ but alwaystJeIt-,'l'he tQpcIot;, a bu~: UK!WQIt.
.witl\"Vou~uld"...d "You DO~"n.lOpdQs IJ\AIUP~,)l/i1b ~
. da UK!!hreAl$ofc_lrOphe. -..;b If youdcHl'~ W!~,",Y!"I"
. won't be loved, YO'1V,on't ~ 10 h..VI;\>. you ..JII die," UKlIO.on, '. .. ,
,...,
:.. .,"".. .'.:.-,'.. .. , '''':'''.. :'\
.-' ", ',.', ", ".:> 'dO" "',',
11ie:Underdosm'an;pulates
"jlb.beiU ~renaiv.,.IpoIoFtie, ""~' ""
,""
"

.
pley...~e~'l!I\bY'UKI~1L Tli<!un!ltrdoe nQp<)WC!'. ~~:
,
.work. like tlti.; "Manaa.<,""ay!"f
tile MICkey.Mou~ 11ie Iopdogis tile Supet M
hOst.""LoOk.)J:,y~n.mh"iIi;
AJld ,he. 1ilt<¥!M
r
_"helpi' ifl foil.""1_'l.bell>llIfl f~)'OUrc1"ithd1ty.""1ilJw,,,,,,,
=
'.

.~~~;J
SOtbe~
.. UK!underdOtllrive
.. Ibrconlrel. Likf...ery
= ::~=::::~i~=\'O"~r-~
..
'.

..
djey-.wiIb"'" oI,her ror \101(17J. ...'' '1bi1tt , '
. .
~"'y tole5are pltylod fr<in1lhe t\>pdogandul1!lerdog m.anipult.-
tivepositioD.. However, moot drtrnati~ roles can be~gnized .
. the pereeeutot; the reseuet,
'These role. are 1,g111",,!leif !hey are II<Itplay.aetinll 6ut are,
Ol!!tbevi!:lim. .
..'
.

realistieally apprOpt:i~~
.
to Ihe.itwition:s.;.m" leaitimate rot..'
.
'are: -'

AJWlI«'<lor:Someone.vbo SetSnecessary Hmitoori'beltivior

.' or i. eMrsed witb .en(Ql"'itig~rn'e.' '.
.
A viellm: $omeoae "hoqueJjllesfur ajobbu',ia ~nied.
. it",,~.or...~,~~reHgio"'l.' .,

A. r'e tr:SomePIIe..bo belpa a petsonwbo ~l\meti!,njD.

. inadequately 10bec:ome rehabililated and adf-,..
. .
IIanC . .

.Wben \Ii~roie. are like ",as4 !/ley are 1(I.gllhruJltandarefor ",

.
 .94 B,ORN TO WIN
Ih~JI1II'POK ofm8llipulation.Subsequently wb~n th..~ IIIR!oroles '

..-e capitalized in \his book, they refer 10 maliipulatiy~, illegiii-

,mate,ioIca: . ,
,"

A i'm_,or. Someont wbo sell UDDtc..arily stric:I mi,;ts OD

behavior cIr is.~ged with enforcing~lDles
b1I\ does so.wjlh ~adisti" bnttali\1.
, ' ~.
,,' ':.
'
SqmeOn~
'" ...ho~ IIQ/qualify for aj(lbbu\faJae,.
"
, ,
Iyc\aims il ~, d~nied bec:ausC (If
. r..,." se., (If.,.,.i-
gion.
,

A Rest1m': 8<>Ql~~ wh(l, ill the guiSe (If. bQing h~~ul,

keeps Clthersdepon.ckn\ up<>nhim ,(lr \let.

KarpmlUi 'Wri\es:,
, , .
Oaly tbtc. roles_ neceuory in drama..,1tyJis to depioI lheCdQtioaIII...
versoII1bat...
_.,Th... _,_,m eo-,.;Ib lb.identity_
 , T"'~oli1fr$crlpu .
#"
referred to above,: ate thtfPetsecutor,
,.,." -,',
Rescuetrind
'." ViCtim,totP,
.,' ,,',

R, ,.,~ "
"V.
in the diasram. Diiuntbcgi~. whenth... rol.. ... oatabUllle4.0 &lid-
cipali>clby the audience. the.. is no dra!J>auol... there 10.a tWitch iDdie
ro ,. Dramacomp~ to traI>m;Iional~... but mahat. pUt;
orn~..ber ofevenls,a ~*lernumber of ~ even~and on. pot. .
I
. ",n!>ftaj
. play. !Woo. 11I100t:<>Iesa\o_.
onemajorswi~b;i.f..iIJ"I'I\IOiI!y ,
Games ... aimPiet anlfthcre t.-
toJi.lpyo"'. }..on.o_~' I
.Iioo (equnte,..;/ockwiso) ,,- in the IIttma1rial1gle: die VIdiGI~
. 10.....
.,..{.
,', ," ," .:",..'
. ..CllIo' &lidthe 11 -"',
" becOI!>U11Io,
','-
ViClim.,
-', ".' "
" ' .'.
.>.' '."
." ,. :
. .' .
"
()it.f~IU;'1I'f~~idta~..iAcltlclt$IIi'~otila~#- '

Cifi, g8!ll.i; each iiIi~ trol1l ~ $~c;ifiCrol.. " , '", ".

Garn. . lt8sic Role
Kj~",Me
NOJ'"['a. GtJl YOJI,'Y011$.O.B.
"
" .
. Victim
P.rs_lo;
. h..
. Pm ()nly 'Iiy/IJg.loHtlpY~u Rescuer
',: ,.- '. :-".
.'
"', -,' .,"-.' .:.' .' _,'''':~i:'
.'.' .'.'
".' .'
A4<:e~'~\v~~t/I'I.il~atot?':K~A{~III~uI"teS~, " .
,
Pa rson W:i!1g~'."orh .r,,"'.'tI\eVIClim'~.IIi!lIa~" . ia
11110
,

.tlerse
. .

. . who O bltgutglyCa tChea. the perp.. Irato. In th e, act

'"
. '. ." CUl<>r,
. . . . .an d .
"

Ia
P '1". ' . th .C<lmI'k IbCa,Wy8&J!1
. .. ..NOWI'WGift
., . . . . . Y"",
. YOfIs.
. . O'f1i~ . . ' ' . ',' .
.
this point tlt,e t~la.ett'or
. . . . aRl:0011er.,AR~ .wlul Piiik'
...
. '.'.' .. .
1it.,..<it with an i1l1pOlent«.nmrtaticteS~ iatejt\11'" 8I1d'j¥II.";'
..' Jeebi ~rseeu~il4ttdJli~t«I, Wi.lbt Ii~Hn)D1 tbeR~l~'
\:::~;~'y~: ~irdpartYto t:_g&,"'.I~~U,l.WQS O$'t?Jirg,'
TIle fpUowing di..logue maynol repreaeitt all the rinsacdOttfbi .
.'. the Ihree gam.sof a .family dt'.ama; bow.ver"
sWitcltingof roles.
.
it does iIIustrtl. the . "

Son:, You kbO\'l'l~blue.Her.cYOti-Wenl

(as hisecutor, ' ,anel bougbt m.anou..r blue'shirt!
yells angrily. al . . ..
m!'thei}
1.tO/.~r:, . ljlever do~)'ItIItigri8ht.. r.r ai y,o~re .
(aSYi~ill!lr
.'
: ,-. .
cIObc:erited.' .
',.'
FaihiJr: "
DoP'I you cla!:e yell al your It\othaJ'.Iik.,'
"

(rCScueSi1l<lther. thal..YO~n8 i!lan.,OO,IO'YOUr _ and

~!Oason) 1\0 dluerl.' ..

.
 "
SINI: _
BORN TO WIN
They tell m~ lei bebQnesl, and wb.n 'tell _

(BOW as Vicliai. 1bcm w~~ '!ion't Iik..-tItey putm.

suJJr:iDginbil How aiu you iatislypeopl. 1iI!.
~) , "'""',
!bIIt?
'

MoI/uI(: Nowdcm'tt.llYourfa!bCr. Weshou\dD't

(1IOWa-, get so upset ove.:a shirt,
'
,

IPeiW /lima tray ,

of Ibod),
MOl"" JQIuI,you're 50 toup with our SOD,"II '
(as Pei ' bet b.'. sitlillS in his roomri8ht nO'r bat-
~to inlyou, ",
'

f~)
,
FIIINw: Gee. bo;i.y. , ~as only tryjna to, help
(asVic:1imf you.!lDd yoli kick m. whO!".it,h!'rISth.
-- '
.'. . Soft:
(cal1ia8 OUt It "
. ~.
Mom. lay,off. wil~ya?' Dad's just
Ilac:uer)
,-
EWI'y'perD1 fromtimF ,totiin. plays tho parts of p tor.
,
Raoucr.
" or Vic:tim. However, eacIa person tends to confront !if.
1IDdto play pmei$ mor.frequently from a favori", role. The tj)le
tbatis played is _ ai1JIaysdear to tbeplay.r. who,may ~ pa.
=::~:::::.~V~~a~~:yi~;=':'::~:.~~6&::;:
thesWildt in JOlescreateS'th. <lr8ma. . . ,
'

When ahusblnd andwif. _k iparri&JOcounseling. may

,
""""
~vo u.if-pPI'COptiou or. Vic:1imsId'f.'inI undetthe persecution
of the ~. Their ,xpe<:lation may be-that .th. th.r.apis! will
play into !beir pmos as a Rescuer rath.r than..ffe<:ta real :rescu..
 . - .
'
'1 ='->i'i.~I.I'~ .rri=lrlr'ri~ '~"'rt:n .' .'

.
...
J ...
!.
. "', _~i .'. '.'
J
i:iljj .. .
.
;II'i~ . . . .
.. . .. .
I ~Jr:f1;rfq .fllttG lil!
. . ... . . . .
. . . .
fU.f"t.f~r!~ d~fef.lflltdifi
.' . .
'S' 'It . " .'. ,al.y .Jls,t:s,h]li ~
,'. .

'..'.J(I!nt~p:" t~~f' ..!lilt I!'}. .

..ttlf
.
... '~t~ '.
.
'fH8Iil'~~~;'JUU : ,::.-:j'...::.; -:.
,'."
-.
~ .
,
" '
~ - -
- -'.

.
-
'."
.
-,-

."
 . ~.

.
"
"
 ,
I,
I
j

j
I

,
 . -~---
---- ---
- ---
 . .'
TIw.- t1fUf. Sa/pIs 1M
.
and rewrite th~ dramaSiIIl!:COfi1uri:cwith theif 09/D uniqUe-
~ Such people <8JIcome ill lOuch.witb\heir possible selvC$~.
fl'cliteCltheir compulsion lO)ive life witbill.one SpCcifICIi'aQiC:'
.work.For many. Ibis i..nol_y.lo fact, i\is of\en paillf]llanil iII-
.

:
voths much IIar4w<>!lt.SpmetiJJtCJ. real ~r is necde4, as is " .'
I

depictcd ill the folloWin$~phrase o( J&mC$Io.tPy'. "ThcPu.

,
.!tle of the Easle"{24]., ,. " '.' .'
"
.'
. o~upon ali~WbIk..81i;..1IuoU'"
~f_ it";";. "f~a
Y<iuns,-.re, He ~ ~~""aJlUI il !n hio!>aniyanl wheIe .il
lelllU<d'to oat OhickOJi
reed..d
'"
tiohave..Cliickei!s_
.
.'
. ""'"
/.

. Ooe day, a a~iI.l1!iho pusiftJbyinqllircdofilte ""!\Cf "!II)'il....

IIIIIt iItekiftgohll biraa.shQuldbe ~mcd to livei. ~..~
an,'''''"'iIte chilo"""",
yald'l\lilh . ,
,
'

"SiaCe i hay, il.~ feedand ~.iI",be ~.hic~ ~has

aevorl,ornecIlO
ny,"RpUediIte_. ''It1ich"" ~ ~'so .
il iI no longer .., ~
'" . '.
. .
.
"StiI~"iasislCdthe"luraliol. ..it iIteheart,,!' ..east. and <IIi>11I~""
~8htlo 'Y,"' . '.' .
, . Aftei 14Ikin8ii '1Vor ;tb" "'"" 8irea tb
1ht"~1 wbcdtcr~W..~ .'
'IJIc,c:;""tIyilteli""""'isl t\dilte Nth ...lIis d oaid;~Y...~'" . .
.
tolheol<1 and dol 10 1bc ~ S.., forIi1yc>ut winJs ui(lIy.~
;):lIe elgie, _~; w.. eo.nfUSed;.iac'1'"1110Iknowwllo he...and, ..

.~in&.iI1c~' ,. calinS. ilteir f""'" :b.juOlpcd ~I!> be ,...",.i\te!I>

apia... .' ". ."; ..' . ". ..
UndislllaJCd.lbc naturalist to<!kiIte~"'" ~ iItef~8!iaY.UP~ .u.'-i'
.'. Jj>QfQCiIte_, and urscd him asuo, s8yins. "YOI' OR an ~.~. ....
forthyourwi andny."au.",.. w.. afraidutllis.unknown"'If"",
)World..d jul1lpcddOw..once'lDO~foriItechickOJii'ood. ' .
Oolbc'~irddaylbe"I.~ _ cMtyandloOl<lbc,casJ,ouf<>f._-
" .
. '.
yard ~ ~.Iti&\> Iain. ~ be bcldtb. of biTd>hiaII. a,l>Qvt.bim,' .
andCtl<OUtapd bim ~ri, iayins."You OR an PSI" YW1ocki'!l1O the
oI<y..-~ 10lb. ~.S~tch fOJ1ll
your, and 11)'.",
j,._ .. -,
",', ,1_..".".. .. ':', .0 ,': .. _' ," .. .'.,,'., \

. TIle ~ uf,!iIInd.bacl<1OWarda
"" \be _yanI
":
iu1d"P"',\II,C .yo' "..~
".''''

still bCilidilottly,That \ll,CnIuI'I>~ Ur.dbhn8lt1liilht""'aJdsl/lC

~adil ha~edlhallbc casJe bI:pn lOuembIc,io1oWIybCiitcl<Jii4.11!": ..
; AI J8s!.WillI~ 1riu1D~lery, be.lKIOJcd...ay jato Ihcbe..,..: .
'UlJIDybe \haI dic'aslCslilltemcn:tbcrs thechi<:Unl wiilt_wp:il.,..y ,.
..e. be tbDlbCoCtaiOliidlp_ tIie yar4.,aUl.. f ~
10>00...be bas never rc\UnI.~ Iolcad \be Uf, o(..dUCkOJi.H, _an.
lI!ou&h'bc bad,bCenkepl...d ..mccI..a chktCn..,:
.
 .
106 . . 6lJRN'UJ WtN

Juatlike!hc CaaIe, peoJI1eWho h&ve¥~.l!Jthi1lk oftticmaelv~

,~
theyaf@:t,~ ~~ iIIfll"o/o(tbcir1t1ll
. , po-
tetttial. TIIe,can.be!1ome
..,;
Wfl!o~".
','-', '.', ;-".
'''~" "'"
.'
"'I~~AMD'1t~.',.:~\~,,:_,.',
.
,. . IfyOOwish 10'-in ~~ yoUr ICtfpt, set -.;de SOllIe 1111IO10
~1I\tQub"th1'f'!/k)~~~ex~~"""Jn.
;
ter-
:', ,:";;:'~
.
,.,_,,:,,:.,;i,-.
, .

r
,.'

1;OO~.4.II..~ p.;';"11)'
sm.,...
\l.'~
.,',:\/
"
"b.
"
:'
-, ,',,,
."
,
','
,
""
' , ,,"

"".'
'.
,':'.;~

'.
.,71',

'"
:'~':. '
> l'

I
. 'ni..e~~bIIo*idtil...Mat.wfroyour...
l,
'. "tOrI.lite'/S~.QI'.ISOyem'ap?'" ',,"',
.~'I>peB.,~ $jIt1lValherila8e.llfl'CC\yo~ jj, 8/1y w.i ~y(i,c.;
. ..
10-yoll1'sexiaatJOles,wor/c,~liOrW
'. ,,"
,,-
""
,. ,'.,
-',""
,-", .'
'.' ',:'
"
'>,,"
,
",:,,"
aspita1i9llS)?' '
,,

""
.
':
,'.'i.. '..:','"
".""
.1
'1'
:;
,~.,"
",

~'thiu...fatl;Out O!'C~.jr~:'nOVf ~l$":'ll\Ir8ur'~~'

. ;

::~;~;~J»~~br.~~S'~ r7~~~~~~
., .'tiiipt 'oi~Crn.in~tk ~m.,iJil&c I\Imllyy<ilf~w-~ IA. .
.
, Are you 'ropea1ill8 11II)':.i;Jf tbem~ now? What have ~.u
,-
. "'-".,:. '->::"'i,~,"/-;,'<'"
'>':-'.'J,~:':J"~".::""'i? ;',"":;:";:""'~:;,~;<':;'\;_:,:,:j;/
.,
.,,'.
'I,' .\'

.. '..
 . TIw ~ -fUP 5aIpU 107
. Whili
c:onv~',"
---I"" do \he facial expressions ami body actions
'...

, .
Vuba./ M"'~ iII'You,Scrip!
. .
im~yQU~ tltechild USf!d to be. Hear 8,pinyour ~ f8lD1'.
Iy'. ..emla. What Will.said aboUt:. ,.' ..
.'
YC>IIr
. worth
. yC)ur abilities .
Jbur mQl'alS, )'C)Ut ..'
'... .,
'" "'''ualliy
your look_ you':inteilig~ yourb~ your
'
,~?'
'.'
.Say ina...teili:e 1iIIatyou unagi/ie cad1 oryour ~tl1&."
.
uriis 1hoUPUf you.. .,',
'" "
.1~yoUr ~t
self-appraiaaJ relMedin anyway to)Ollrpar-
~IS' opiDionof
,"
, you?" '

.
R~IdiIU~tllliHI
, .. I . , . ,
-"~' .
'
Ilevkw the ta$!itwdays and~ bQWyourelalCJi\>JWt_
PI"'JIk. J?1~youfln<!.yo_If plaY'JIgany Qfthe th,FeedtUiatic'
roles- YII:tiID,PtlSecUtor. or Rescue(l . . ,

. .' . ,
~ Did your. role mange \..,.wbCllthesellinl """"~d?'
.1Jid y"u play .~ role more ,,!\en Iba11theothcis?
;. . Are the fC)1~you playtd similar to those ill your.favOrittO
.
myths,
,. .. ..
fairy laIes, ~..or.. Qther stories?' , .' i., .'
-',
As you readlhrouP the Parable o,t the Eagle, djd you idiIntit'y
with a,SpeciflC. role? Aai;,YO_!f: .
' ".,,' .
. Dicbnyonekeep anlt ia11leme? AnY0!,e I'vebpt ed?
'. Is tbere ~~el~e.~f~.;.."yOne
"'d
."~
me'l , . ,

, ""

0" .ttlgl
Im~e yourute dramabeillsperI'o\'bICdoDa
~,
 101
. tragedy, or what? ..
. .

.. .
~II.N.TO
Is il a comedy, _ farce, a saga. a soap opera, a meiociram&. a
.
.
WIN

.
,

Doesyour piaX b8ve a 1Cript d1eme?if is il sua;css.o 'ri.

.· ented. or n.iiure;.orien~OIlrUc:live.,
. . ' .
destructive,!lJ
. , . .
nonpr!ldu<:'ive?,
:' ' .
'.'
'...,..
. · Bethc aUcii~ 'watcbiB,yOu!-play. J)(, ~~~,
boO.} III ~ sleep, WUI YIIW:m.oaey btiI:k;!lr what?
"

. . . ~. / .
.

. Llf, si(IgU
,

,
. ,.
"
.'s the_lnOuntof ~ . Y9U
..in~in~h sit!Ii\it'.~'~
,
'amount !If !itne?' ." . ", " .
· Qlvc:$lCd?
Do yourrealilfttrests.lie wh= )'9U1f,tit1teai14 ~ are :
. .'
,

", "

.'Y.!I~em.i1o~d~etibtyoordtaMa ~adi~.?'
111',
~,i.reYII~~tedwiil i~YII.inwfl \>f~lfin)'Ollt;~~"
,..
. . ,setIiIt-.~
,".
.,.P", .' .
"
" .
". .'
..~,' ," "...
". .

(;:/II(af(;""rt1l;'er

TItiJak !Illite 8\O$tIID~1

. ~plewho~ ~:ly , ill )'!>Ill '
lite drama. , '.' , .
. '. '
 , ~-l!l'tImalJfLiftscripU 109'.
,',
-~.
a.nk them iJ\tcrms of the time, energy, andreaIJn-.erest.you
, . invest in them.
Reverse the situati'!n. ".. ,
How much time,
"
energy. an4tealintet-"

est do you believ~ they inveSt in you?:, : "

','
. Do you see them as furtherinsyour life plans in liliYway? .
,'. With whouiin4 i>n~ich .~ges (\0 you pi",y-ac,.'~asit"?'
.
'.Wi~""hom and on ~hich ~tagesate yo~ fea14.tnt
not Justaclingtha part?,' .
the ~
. . " . .

"

,.

I.,
'.

'.
..
.
 ..
.',

'7\TlQI~~BG()8't.'$ .
'.'
; J'qfbtt..tOr'f'or1vP"'~~ "~III!4~im\irliiied
i .1hIIbnMD,sotdidr~~, TIIe>P~nt ~~.diei8~'
. ~.oflhea~ 8QlflleDavior.
jIf.n em,otICID8UY~1
. tpI!Op1e. lerV.'II ~t.1Iptea f(j ~ clllJef.The l'anml;C$O
,jeie <1-1IQ1.~;~in~.,. (WtWaIly~..
"modlerly"or "(atherly."1a(/jj;I,
..ao.~ofmatemaJ
or P!'~ inslin<:l4l
iJlhu~ McorIfiDgloJlar~' Stu4iei"
. . . . 110" . .

i .
 ~
Pinnthtg and Ilk, .1'..,11IEgo Stlfl. ' I"
'. . .
this is also true oflowerpl'irilates (2]. Humans learn how 1o be pltfo
enlS from their own parenls. Monkeys app~ar to dosomew\lalthe
sa~e: .

Eaa S"'
. witbiJ1 the ".rent.
.

;:h j::::~;'I::i.'t~1;t~~e:;~~~~~~~
. Parenl, AdUlt, and Child, the babysitter'iP,"nl, AdUlt,:,and
Ghi1d,an4sa forth. At liJnes~enlS behave toward tlteir c.l)ilciren
as theit: parents. behavedto~ardlhem-morAlizing,'l'unill!lng,
IWrtul'ing,ignc:il'ing..
AI other linies parentst8&$0110" tile buiB of
curtenl, obieClive <lata-explainin8 whY,del1\o ilStrating !tow,
searchingfor facts and SOlving Proh1e ins: At slin otbe r liJlles \11.ey . ,

. use bebavior frorn' their own cbi1dhofibwJililing, wil\1drawi....'

,
, , , , , , , ,
'

froli.ki~sigg\in.. manipul&ling.and playing. Thatefore,lhe bt.

'haVior,ofa persoDrespondiitg froltlthe Pltfent eg<lstate ystem
from any eg~ state incorporated from one.or,more parent If~es!
The Pare"II" a person:s Parenle.gostate ISmbstoflli.nlhepJ1d.'
parentS., r
,"
.' _',

. Anal~iIIgiheego'statesV/it!tUiani.oState Is.,canecl.~,
'" "
"

order sltllcturalanaJysis.. AppUed to Ibe Parent tbiJ means sot1;lng

o)ilthe Par.nt.Adull,an4Gbi1dego Slales,within llie penqn~s .
Parent "80 state.Sec:ond-ord~r' sttuclUraJ lysis ofth. Pa,(OAt.
can be diagrammed as, page 11~.'.. ' .' '
~"
.
This means ihat at times a person's behavior .naY're;cmble
grandm6ther's Adull Orbabysitter:s parent or father'aCl!il4, i8lid
.
so forth. Th. followingSlOty illumatel how certaill traditiollS PlO ' .
. beUers..,.culturai and family scl'ipt$'oomay&0 ~ man~ 1"ne~o
.lions,'II1t,bough,the .re_~hilld. tbem.~,IOJlg f"rgQtl '
J ,", '_
'. ' ,"
"

" A bricle..rvedbU~lifIi,and IiUSban4 ukedw!tY cuI ,tlte omit

off. '~Well,tlla\'a/ho ".Y molber.oya didi't,.. iMi'eplicd. , . ".

Th' n..' timo'h. 1I\0tlter-m.Ia".toppedby. b.u1IaII bar ".by .hecut!be"

ends ~!J'tbo bal!' .., r~ Ibe,way IlI»D1Qtb,!,dld11,. replied.
. TboPat.nl egoslale Consistsahnyorid .n of~ *'IuaI parenrfll'l'OI in-
~rated by a cbUd. 'The ,!"coricl-order di"Slilll of O8I'b'p""""'s ;P""'l1t .
.go slale ,,,,uld reveal a difI' t balanceot pareatanilcorporatiOn.
,,' ,', .

.'
.

--
 .',PQmiiili1tlll4t/tlPmr,Ego'Silll,. 113
. ,

Ca. m tio.. '

"
'Oewas bealen ,.;verely Will>a sua when his father ni$!!~
hinl, HC$woreto him..lf dtathe'd'1'never hi, a child.. hisf..
, ,
PI' '

ther had:,H01"~ver,w~Joe ~ hislir$1

, , ,

son,il*1Md '
,
~7'
"
'

ural" 10 hiI\'>to otriI<e ,the child wilen heemisbehaved.

detennmed decision an4A4nk . u.ronitatioll forlo. 10 nji>clify
~llOOk a,
.
l!iJPmnt;~\'ior, , "

,
.' "
"

:1.;. ',"_

,ca..,.nh1.tratik..
. . ~ .

Ma'fs ",i)therOlJdy tumedto' I\'>~ical cloetQrs.for advi"~

whenhcr.chiid",nwere ill, MarYre.:..u.dtat~~~she
was sitk h~,nli>lh<!tpr~ tea a1Kl<UStBrGP"ddins. When
Maryh1ol1ahahy'andtfu;baby'<1!l1its,firstfever.Mary f~l~

,
torhebaby

,In -addition
Ct,:mt aboldt,

10 oQpyli1g" chiklCI1>aMg.practic<!s.
' '

people
'
,,
. '

'
il!cortM!"
rale pQtlures~,_ces, ge&liIteS.'an4manyfOl')llsofbOOylangua~ .
from parenlalmodels, Piclure., ,if you will, ' c' '

: ;,','
, ",',' ,," ',-> .".,', iI, .
"

A womansl/lnding withheihands on her hips. sCol4btgsol\\t'-, "

on..jusl as her mother 'bad ~.', ' :
Aman pointillgan aC.:uS;ng"",gei lit people ii1~e " o ~I'y "

his father ha4 P,9inted. .. ',",', ' '

A wOman lifting herohin.100lWtg 40W1j; " htr D~sbrugpng bIir

~bouI4ers, and sayins. "That's ,ridicUlo\is." jU$! IS beqjrand,
,
mother had, do"e;

, ,ju.~:~'\:dd:~~thhis r~lto CGlPh4sitea~

A.wom ~ aTbanb~fihgfeastjusl.iher motherb~:

dOlle" ,," ,','
,',', , ,,',' ',' ',',','
Amaiogivi.ng .SII~ wink and nQc1of ihI;
"
..hi$
. ,,'
faiber'Jiait" ' .,,,' "',,'
, ,:, <
,', . .

People also intOtpiJrale the:1"")'$:Iheirpaten. pUI Ibmgs il'l1.O . ',,',.', -.:,-'

" ' " ""

""

wonls, Late~. they".. these Pareata\ wOrdswith, nth_ SOme

· :",",,,IS u..wordSlike ./iou.1d. htrie '...or mil"" "10 I»IIvey 1M idea .
,',':,,' ':," " " '.
"
 114 . BORN TO.WIN .
ot ..ooghtnes "Keep e~erything in it. piace and yoU WO!!'thave
aJiy problem.." "Everyone.ottght to eatn hi. or her way." OIhe.",
more per.mi$.ive or indifferent,.ay things 'llehas"I don't~are.It's
liP .10YOIl,"or "Dowhale~ YOI1viani.., do, hQney~'" .
\'eijple allO'copy~.i ~ren!iS'l'"Y"hQI9Sica1'ame',.I\, Y91l!lg
I

.wifenmy plt.yl[J" W_'~ F¥' feu witlt lIerllu.II""d in.1n1ll:11

the
samestyIeasMr m~1her.1n tI\J$g~tslteblllmeli IItr ~Ibitil!.g.
.. husblllld for her own lack of .chleveme.nt whenactuaUy .he I,
.'
"
.
a!n.icl1O perfcirtn..
A~aeher~ay pley~with
'.' . .r '..
..
.
hi. Sludtnts'IIy.lookingfQrand
ru:.~g~t,1111iIltpQl'\"Rlfa~jUSlasb"prel!~b~dP'l'Y>'.t~

.." '"pervjsc>rmay play.~ ",jtlt ber'1"Qrkcqby bejns ui!-

"lear a!loUther standards and then~ticitiJIgtho~orl\eI'SMm...
tetw/lat tbey 40. . ,ill... as her p.re!I~ mado herJee I
,.tb_.t,'~ewa.
. .
"411m1100' . s\ledW .
,and.1Iarnnedif
. she
. . didri't.""
. . . . . .... ......
A youngQecutiVe~Y play. OW 'y.Go,fiYOiI . .'~
.
~~~~e:~f::~'~~;Ui\:lil!~;~6~Q~~fa'"..~
"'\
. . ;,
" ~
'
. '.

..a.Nrx.tJENCB
, . , ,
OFUB
.., I
P~BOO8TA~~ .{
. ".. :
'.
.~eopl.tjot 6n1y.i1\OOq,otate1l1e~ ~ts'bp.avioio.b\lt.~alaO
iJ\COr:potatea !I' ofpa~el!tal m p tIIatare hllet ~"'d!n their
be8ds.like t.~; Somctim~.tWO~ple,,\,i1h\nthePiri'!1te.eo
".tatcaretalkil!" somet!ntci1heAd* lrC.rswbanb~i!"JIOTP.re.i!t
i~sayil!g.Botll}oit f~'l~otly'il!ner dialoSUetakes
. pI$I1eJ : Ween'
.t/leinfJ",el!cing Pareot .n4the ChIld. . < ". '.

",

I
 "

_ ' p(l"mi~i and 1M ~(JtwJl E,o St4/~ . II~

. These me..ageS'are like replays of 91d Parental facial e"Pre,..
sians, actions,. gestUres,or sta~D1ei1ts and instrJIcUons.,Forexam..-
pie, a grOWn man aoollt to leave rood 9n his plate _ the men\81
image orcalber's disappr9ving frown atid cleans lip h,isplale like a
good little ooy.,A teen;age girl waJlts to steak SC1irf,bllt hearsller
mother in her bead, "Nice !iris don'lsteaL" In tbe''SaJI1esilllali9n .
an91her teen-ager Ilears, "99 ahead. boll don't get Cl'1I~t."SliI1'
.
anolher hears. "1m beal the hell 91110fy'1U ifYOU.leaI.~n muck
the. saine ~ay, scripl ihstructi9ns are:h~rd and f9!19WC\iby the
ChiI4.. '. ..' .. ,..
.Sollie Pare!llai iDessages areen~lIr~8.s<>nt'e ~e,"0I. .'8011;1,"
give permission 10 behave in,CI'rtain negative orpositive.iays: ;, , i
I
I
"If at ('list )1011don'I.~ce~ed''?'''r again!'
"Y 01111~yerknow until, yall try,~ ; I
~Y9\1'vej!!>l a gOod,head. use iC;. '.
"YOII made 'your be<l.so
.
\ie.Jpit" ,
\ .
. "O'et lost.# ,

.. SinQ: children are not ~ith an inJ)ereenSf!r, Iheir f~ .

pangs 9f ooJl.Sclenceiesuk """'from P1'reljtlehiId Iransaetial1S,' Cb.it'
dren Ieiom 19 vallie ",haltheirparents value, Thi. earlysensell(
el!JI.Scleneecall be experie.need !II.\nni:r dialogue between Ibe P~,. .
ennf!dCbilciego $lales. This in!IerdialoguepiAy b<;.permi~ive..
eonfQSing. m9ral, 9r rigidly moraliStic. " . ,. .
".
Allhough the inner eonscieDQ: .Is beanj,il'i. no!, alway. col;
19wed. Even small children can make independent judgmell!S 9r.
give in 19 personal desires. Selina Fraiberg desc:ribt~ such a .hild;
',1"
Thirty~~ODth.~oIdJulia fi~ds'herselCalo'De iJil~ kitcbenwhileh~ ~b~'r
.
'i. onlhe telephone.A bowlofegp'i. ~\he table,Anu ..experienced'
b~ Julia 1'1 oi1aJ<e_mbled fI&s. Sbe re...h..t"r,.thfe~. bUI J)oW ,he .
<laim'ofre"it~ lIfte.peri ,...witb. eqO.al"lrBnglh, Her """h ould'
~lapprove'.;Th..RSJJIting ~1~lhlhtbee,.is,experiea<:ed"'"
1" an~"N". you m!1S\Ji'I"andlheease fOJ.b<)th..d~is presen!eilanda,.
d«ilion arriv~ at Within the 1DO t.WJ1cnJuUa~smotbcrJelYms'lo the. .'
tilcl1On;,$lie (mds her#ughter <hee!f.llyPIOppin8 'g.QII..tbe ~1eUm .'
and se<1lding he"'lt plytor .~1!ptop; "NoI'I~NQ. M!1S~'t d90d iL,
I\I'ON9No. 104"'.'1 don<! iI!" 14) .'... . .' ','
. .
"
All children need'some _ to proteClthtTD(rom ham" 10ell- I

.
"
 i'art;.tiIlK and tht 'P'!"nt Ego StaIr' ,Ih .
.,
.
Conflicting dialogue ",ilhin the Parent ego. state .also creatis
teJi$bil and confusio!),' Barry :Stevens expresses .\bis CE>ofusion as
she, in. her inner -..rorld, cee)s the continuing pressure oCputside
authofitieS:t,She writes:. . ",
' '"

'. InJbe bet,inning W!"il, and i "'as~. . .

.
. Tlnon<am. in etht( I.Ou!Oi~"u'b0ritY.T1I;'W~ t~fU!ib\.)\~d
~
oth.r I be"""..'...y""nfusedbe<a weresol\Ianydilt:orent""~. . . .<.;
'authQRties; ", '\,,'<, ',1 "'-'~'-i' "',,",,-<:-":-..

. Sit'~.'~eaV.iII~~"'W~'Y<'''' n6Se<~'<ki tIIa',.\Iu!I's'i"j,~,; .

Why,tbep<>i>rpuJj\,;I '..-;.k"""'bo":'tapi~.a bon'!l'lus~tl!/;\!iil!:l.";.
. at ni8h~_ ifyan dqa'ti~'!'-'1<es i!'ha!derto .1..,., P9.JtI'TfLjJ!!j;f.,~
THE TOIt:EtAt'MC:itlT~ypu wllka'pe<>p!e up! Always be ;,.,
*' 1" fk'I?r.

~~~:;:~it~:::,:~~~r.°~~~:~~;~.:~~:~~.~::£;i..
ly, )ltrtter .knives:;Uis inlportanl\O use butterklliVes.Butier kniV~~':y.
.f'oo14bo~s! Sp"~ni<etr. Sissy!'l(.ipti.,i, Wenderful!,¥h!
, \<.i~\jnl-n'..
-,
lng,aw.y~." ," .,'
',:';";';'

~~~=~~~~W.:~:~=~::r~~r;:'4"~~/..
'~ant ttUn IS~ ; The mo Stbl1pOr(BI1
l~g ,is'sex a t'~,ng ..
. 1 1u\ve. ino~ey In, me ..~ , .. ,
~. ~'<' >.
.'~pOitarttt1Un!is
. . . lO~wr~n~.lik~yo,~.TJie~tJ~1;;~~,
.' .
.
. . . . .. . . .. .
thing ,,\0. d"-,, Il 'file. mos' Important ~"10 be ..pblst~a!'It'i;
.
.~7~:Jri;n~~~~~:~;~da~t~r~a:;;~~e~~ ~~~~,~~1~~;":
thIng.. a bIatk..!II "","-a04 chi.aand s'lver.The mQSllm~ )~wg.."
Ipbe.cl...,.J(b. most importiu\t !bing;' to alwayspay y""r d.~TI!'i~' ", .'
important tblng is- ~t \0_ be :tuen'in by an)'~~~_ebe~ ThemostJim~!' ,":/:
thingur.~ l~~yourp~ents~ The mOStimportant ~ngis towork:~~t.'
~f'Orta ntthif1g.is. tobe'in~epe "d~t, ~e ~st i~~taRt t~gis',t~:~~
. .:' 4; ;-
(:~U1tpt~ish,
. The most i1npOrtaat'tbingJs:tobeJ!Vl'fIJ1~-r"i-h~;.,:.
. .' . . ". .

Th. lOPs!illlW.-.an'; lbing i'1O~1""lyqur.<hi\dranbeh...h...1I; :rhel\l0S1"

.impo",,"' thing Is \0 go to the riBht play.;and read.tIi.ti81\i.~.ks.ne
'W,t int~""",\thi~~
tluftgs 131.'..,..
~ 1P<!O~hatoth~saY,. N1d
...,
o~e...~ an ~"
,..,' ....
/' :,:',~:">,'; ,'~" .,,>, :,:,\-,-~>'.:;,
.-, "'-" ,-~"",'
i'$p~,WIl(rh~te~t' .'
ftpteSin li\eifheads ..,,',
""""'~\
WC)ft$IymaYlOrtI'reth;"mse~~ listiiriirit",.~ha!tl!>,§UCh.~",j
t<irture'~m~w~play#byHIitve):(,*ijo'h'(\' hejOi\I~ r~i' '.i
in~.t~qoPd~"'. \ii>'\li-,\~~~):' llisfath~thad..iCl;'.
"SUtld~$cJio<!! tt. a ..as~,of It~ anji'&\otc>f balPttey. Le\'.8!'. .'. .
fl5itmg.'!taivey JC>""4.~)f I'It<:tllaU)tSfotpeti@s.oc "Inei:
."rtr~t dping ",~I'his. ntoth'er~iid,;\IIen dO'lIgwhat l:ti5father ~ai\L.. '1
..
.'
 , .I
,
118 BOR,N TO WIN I
H~ oomplaiDeil,"Na
to church,
mattet what I ill'. 'it doesn't seem right HI ga
I feel I shaUld be fIShing and enjaying
fishing, I feel goilty. What am'l sui>pos~d I\>da abQut mY.own .
nature. If I go -
,
kidS?".

\
"

'tnJR~G"~ .',
'..
, Mast~nts ~sYmpAtheiic,proteqive, an.dnunurin8on,S<)me
"~ns and criliCal,pri!judi<W,mQl'aliiing.or pllDitiveon 0Ih-
~"Som~ ~1S,.nd tOl!e~~n.unuri,;g thanju4$mell\&! ""d
Vjce."I'rsa., . ..1 . .
,

'Chil~
"
whOh&venunUring
".
J:"'I'CntS<leveJap Parent "IIi>Qtes .
,,'~ eonlain~.llunuri!!. '.~haViOt.Unl~ss deliherately<lecidiDg
. against i~ wh~n @rmo!n.tIi~ maY repeatlo their OW" chi!4!ion1b< {
saine.sYmpath~ nurturing rematb and gestUre$they I'arned
frain. th~ parenlS: .
;.,'

"Came onw,
,." .,..' \... ',..
yOll'to ute4,I'U carryyauaw!,lile."
", ','
., "..
.
'. ,'r

...~~*c
,./
, a up.
:-,"
h~*ey, u..InYOIl'lt feel res;'d."
,'..: ..',',' '...,
'
',' '..':' ",
'" (
-"Tb~t;~too:~~':but'~R't"t'Orry"ab6Ut it"'
.
"[.qnerut' i!iliere.,ii Ii,,",,"
'.. "
<T&s.i-~alsQ're lik.ly to $c:itl)~.me kind pfproleclive IQIi~'
JIIiontbar~1dm1 that...e", ..tan, th.m. '. .
. "
"
uy <)11 play on thisbusptre't:'~ .
, """~t
"Don~.tpet st
.
g. &;gS.~ .. '. .
.'
"De8l/1'e wat.r is cleanber~re Y!'dd~'!kit."..

' '~~rsonilqtonlyuses
'. nllrttlrlngpatenW I1ehaViatt<)wa~dchll-
:'\:koin,,but ,I$). "_ 9ft" M \lNUttI1rlq PI!1"nt'cIOWard,
. <>!her
. !lduilS. .'
q_'- '~, " J,\ .<:;:/.,' ..,;"
",,' "",',
. Wife:' . Jain!, YOll.IOOk.~ura8e<1"', 'tl!nigttt Js
.
~I~ h~baIld) there .~ingsp«!1II you'd ~eto,!k>
. u.,t"'<mld~.. )',"u f..II>e.'t<:,~ '., .
"
I
!
. Husband: 'NoWhonn,.,dQQ'j cry;~.oo~d
(\0 wif.:> If!ue tba,1~iQdof l\:1;s,,*..' .

. \
 . P,"N'ing iutd.~"eP(lffl'.~I:O Stale. . 119
/Joctor: TruSl me and don't worry. 1'1\take Care of
(to .urge." patient) . .'. .
everYthing:
Patt.nt:
. Don't f.el SO bad. Doc, I can take the
(todoetor) . trutb. .'..',
'
lrut ctor: You've been working si>)1atda\1 setIIe~ler
(to 1:1 ). that tQday 1 broUgbl d!,ugbnuts for every- .
one. . ..
. . '
Stud.nt: You still IQO!q)O\efrbmb:iving the fill.
(to in.truCtor) ,Are you ~re .you f~el.lI,rigbt?1 could
Carry,tbose Iblnp.
.
'
\ ,
Secr.lOry: I'm, so sorry you\ost tbe AndetS911ao:
(I? boss)
. <»unt, Mr. Smit~, Lbrougbl you ""me
,',
bomemade cake lO..,beer yau'¥p:
".
1J(> . You'vel<>,*cd unlla.ppy ev~rsince we,put
(to $CCreta.,) in t\1enew data-processitlg system. DQ1!'t
)001 ~. W. slm need you., .
'Work.r: you'v.worked so. hard forth.tptQ~
(to worker) lion. I'm Sorry you didn~ g... ';( 1'IllI:iet
.
you'll havebetler luct neXI~me.,.
"
Sal.dtJI/Y: , HorfsBchair. You just sit y<llJ1Self~wn ,
. , (to customer) anq,bave a, nice rest while. we wrap tl\C
pa<:kage. . ,';'
'C'
,"
"."
Sometimes .the nurtUrtllg.aspects of lbe'P"enl are,;verSQ\.ic\- .
tous, and, olbe, People resent it. Lei's look al ...Jew exampl.S:
W\1en some peopl~.re ill, they resent 'having anolhe:r adUlt
, "hover"over th~m. Some patients would ralberhave Iheird.<>c1Ql',
,
, lellthem the .truth,lban "ptotecl" th..m from it. As one ,bos.>cQ1II"
plai1\.:4."lfl\1o!t's "'''sllgM..t indjca\iono(raill, my .~et&1!)' iII,~'
sists I clIrI'y an umbre!la, SometintesJ sneak oUi before she,ca\<,bes
. .
'me~.".'" ' '"

, -,. .
pa&i'unlC1AL PARENT

'\'he parente$<' ~a" t~nds to~ filled",ill!opi\ilo~about reli-

giOl1; polilics, traditiOns, _u.1 role ,expel:t.tions, life styl~, oWd .

rearlng,Jfroper dress, speecl\, and aUt!1e facets of cilltuml and'

~..'
.. . .
..'

.
, ,

P_""fDUI ,/up.,.., £p SIIIk. : 12\

boss, $pous~:teacher.or friendwlIO'fRqucntty iJ a ~ucal P":Dt
may irrita\e other peopIC and perhaps alienate "'e,m.. ,
'

.
'"

... -', ,
'
"
 1,2~, . 80RN rOWIN' '.. .
wOlked all clay Saturday and part of Sunday. 11M,holiday' were notlfjns
but a nuisance.Before veryl9ng \tie word had.'Bone around that WalJer
Bri4.sewa~ the, man to hanqlethe c8¥."' /,,'
"',,' '
;~he',fari1il~wvery ~tde of ~R1~' It \Vas'" rtotun'~$Ualfor aD'~tire:!tek-to
po$>withou! anyofthe Chilill~' seeing him, On Sund~vJ\lQmillSlhey
, .
'Would""IJIC~"i". and he,mlgh,tbe'altheh~aJ<faSt tabi.;bepet.d
1he, p1<:~ntJy!"'d,th.y ,,~.ren1iaIlY.anda Iittle,wiStfU\ly"" ,

. l"I""~ tho. h. wouI4 re~oubl'. hi. .ftOl\S at,the t

c tbeY"!si<d hIm,Sensl.S
.
~IC. in ~"'.i.. th.~. O\te1')'tbingth.'Y':"i1>tod1~2}. ' "
_<oj ,',,:',.,.,\' .,f'-,","
",,':', ':,':. ,.'
Anin<;Ol1ipletePlirent.go ~'-teQftef!,lea~ 10 distinctive ~,
'Ii~viotpatt'ltt.: For,'~l1ipl';'Some peQp1e,fn~~ \heir<;1!lld .go
, .Bta~e,,1'ftaY~C9Dh:~~an~ arch for,. "I08t~", arentan~ rna 'c, t
~P'!~nl~g" frQmIt01t~"CUPS, S/l ,as asppuse,
tor, . e.,oreve
.. s,'
elfoWllehildten.Othcrpeo!llc,j~~a!l
""
.'
..:~~;~~7~~~Z~~::rl;{;t:nl;~::~r;b=i...
,
c:aPt<>avoidtl!'poI1sibjlity aupIQ ~XCU"~em...lvesfori\IO.4 er-
:. .

~r;;:~~;.~~~;rJ;~&~~~ew~n'e;
. .. ..A persOnwitb.. im»11!pleteP~elltllgO 'statema.}' lIof.II~.
c:jate,olberpeople wli01te of iii. same "~. fs!Iie 19'"!I"~~!,~y
.~O\Vn8!'l¥!etb~:misl1:usL!!1cm,.'?f'ev.elll:ie1!os\i~!PW~::~.
. ,',
'7;" (' _.,'.:, ',:;, :,',: '.., "..;. .. .:'0,... ,.;;.\..:.::.,...1.;
\' .' "'0 '-:" '. .F' '_,' .::'::
~:".

,
"

)
~
'.
 Pfl/Yn,iltgtUld
, , . the "~t Ego Sldl~ 123
t, , .'
C_ nIUtra.tIOD
Carl",... tne youngest in a large family. His fathe~ died",ben
he ",...four years !>Id.As lIhadu!t be ",...generally c:ompetenl.
and' self-contained, but. sulTenrd from periods of depr~o...
"I ciy every lima 1 /alI<.of!l\YchildhoOd .and.spendwe'ek$'
eae" year in deeP depression' before the fO\1ilh ofJulr' n-.
"'as llIecjay birdied, IIII' d~ylbt, boltomfe'U ,outormy life!l..,
remember l)eingal!nosl~~,be~entbeltea~andan:>:'
oth~ antomobije and titelllud ofllte4irt on the c:asli:et.t!ver
,'. . '
.si_ then I~e (ellan i!>s!llbili.y in ~y life.' ."
"Well; after that, I weal jtlimy motherto-live With;..y
graIIdll10tller in a \OWIiwhere 1 had lots of u""lesc I, use<ilo'
hope "D<fhopeIhey woutd accept me as p;ut of lIteii" ~ , :,
.
b '!t'lItey. neverl"!O~U... notir,ed me.,jusf.p.tted me llil tile .Ji<iaIL"
and8'!vemea
.. .. Illetel.+ , . " .
...
,

", ." ,
"No"'.l'm having lto~bleWithm:yWs. There mu.theS<Nl\e,
-tbiilg. "",o~'lliilll llie, 1 caa'tfigure'oul "'bat,
.
r wQt.to:bUt
.
. somel10111 ,
1 'USt don't OIt1W1ll
, . " fallter;"
...
,
i'eo'J>ieViithanlnc!>m PleteP aren
.. Jego Slatenot oDl)''ha ve' we ': '
t\~tt!\neparenijDg£hildren, theyahobavedil1ic:ull}' . ."
. ..
inga!'\'f9priatelyViithother'~:
. . . . . ,. .s~l~
.
..
;,,--
.
.

. "., ,.

.A.. husband maynol,knliw

. ..
,
.hoW-Ii, tXI\IIfort hi.s'icio.rite.
A ",jfemafnot ki!~""""to,~palbiz.nVben berh".k.niis
laidoffwo~k." . ,', .-, '.;.,
,'.

A bossma)' he !.,.ensitive hi $IIb9J'dinale1'huinaJl, Proble......

, ,..." .. .
" "
.
.ritheSeessesiliepelio'" . _ft~ . ~ApptQtma.e~..til\g
'.
.

nIi Ibe oISeI,V@ ,WiiIi.mtWIri atio!1.

~ ,te\'ns by ""'$''' \I!~IDI"g
O. . .NoI .OIII
eanllletreadaM.~~"iIIi~
. . . . . .. " . ..... . .. . pai'e!I\iII8.Ih~......
.. . . ..

'obse~ and eop)'~ "

whi!~1...~un",FIitt!I~:
. Iller ...Q)IItCjpus1>: lotus llIejr~tte,;,tic>B!II.1lhe ~eedS.of otII~
,and ttyto !I\!ldtheseneedS.1'~eJy, QOI><I
p.1IRDtJngdoe&
not coin. 'aulomiltic:al\y:-il tii,\¥.i'~ lC1irne4 .. .
. . .' . ~
'
'"

.
'
.,
 - -;..

.-

. ~- -
-- --~ ------ -- --
, J
 ..~ .
, ,-
,'.. ,', ~
.:.. : .. , '.
,''':" ..
"

'.. ,<If ..
'1 S''''rl~ &.1 '1 §flf ~n Jh'!!1If&'IIj- '..
1 f
,'!t'~~it~f:~fij':~i.l ~!i~ittt!~ft~.Illi. j,
Ii;,'" ;.'
. '~>lii~!K!iUI-II!I'i'lli1U .
1~.ij . ~" ~1itt!i4 .
"it:;~O!fintiI!1 ':
. if~!~'~~ii~~.~~J 1' tBti'f&.. 1JLtli
.It 4&f.i~.Jdb J !1~I~~fltb~t
 "CI

~,
.;
LzJ
<
...
...
...

..
,.
~- -
 130 . IIQRN 7'0 WIN
, .
.BXPBIWIBNT8 ANn UB1WJ8B8. /

1. YOUJ'P8I'811t... hoPie . .
,

To acl.n \ouch Willly~P~JlI oso 8I4\C.'i\811bY ~,. .

,
.
moru"are of YO!Ir'lCIua\'~.'
Jll'lagino'youndj'. jj.a ~:
" .~'
lathe tooJII H ',a\1dW-Vjjiutt I
eljQipInnIYQ"CaiI_-IQA~1.yQ1!E ~.t ~.~, ~'.'
elUdo IaJ*-Of DloltieF.I'aI\Ii't.JIU~ .top. bf:~' \
jIare8IS.older IIbIiJlD, ~~ o'II>YOIW~"i.I\
MIthorityover~U i!urme citIy t&it4ll00d." '. >
. . iml@iilc,lhetaPtI .rc lilbcI~n\I!1s \0 .itbj~ __11II",
· Rcad.n..tofljuntio 1heatill'llon the rideo !llp4tQ'JIIt
~ ,..,
'CJIII wka 1IIe,OlIOIa!!eled MIH!>fy..:;:
. . {',' "~',,- -\t':,.""
:
'!
MOllf)l ' ~~- ,
", .. '
'. Howdid Y~ 1!~caUlI~ ~ 1JI000Cy'p,robieil!s?A 11I1111I'
--of Ios/jlJ a joO? ~sUddcrl. ul1fXpcctedwllldtaH? ,

"
· ::~Y~.\o .iru~~«.urviYa1.o'4i~ l~tO~eai.
'.
. Whet did they spend their mOl\O)''Iar'/ Who.'~_
pane IlrilljitHoi>Idid \lrei.CXpftd1t1lm.fCl1ec\.l~cir""'''F'J'
.
· Ro. ,","dkjlhcy taltabolll \110M;? . '" '.
,'::. v'';.'.,' ",
"".
. P".~..lon-. " .. ,'.

. Did !heYh&YofavorilC~m,ion" o,s.. house, ca.. child~'"

, pictllrcs'llf so;... !heca.. of posIessionJl1\Or-t il1lpotta~11O
. tlltll\Ih~ tho caR of P"?pIo.01"ri.- irma' <

.~:-.:r~ ~~~"'?
>
,:,',!,',;:... "~'~,,_,;:'<',::::,
'.
<.~.,;';,\,: . ,:,' ,~",/,.
~.~ity
",:~'-:'
\I!k~ ~ ~ih.
'..."'r:- -0',:
-::._'~ ',;',i.,','
.

~:.!~,iif"'111t.~~..:~jo. f1!I\lsc1"'~~,
..
""',"" "

. . '
._1I!I1IIf!\II'C~"~SO""""
'::/:<;::,"', ,'i' ,.::,:;, ,,'
:.;
,;'-""
' '. .
-.'~' ',. ' ,::;,,:,

. €~, .;.;..
'.
: '. ~llIapptnWS ill fallll!y~ _ at cIaath,iUaicas,.~. '

,
. :'. 4ciI!. unw'fted. prc8ll~~, ~ t\atu~lcalarnititt?
ili~QI'CC~ ,
, . ... , , .
.: './:', "."- '.' ','

\
 PtnN/irt../Iw_e,.S,...
. Did ~ut
..~'.'
pvenlS resp<lJ1ddifferently to dlfferenl types of
',";,,'
,'1,""
, '31
"

-, Who co\lld bereliCd on? WhoJeD a~?

, ,i
fll"
. ,-. .
. \Vbal 4i\t' tIieY do. fOr I'iIn? WhC~?
. ,.
','" i'
I
;. J>ldyQur~1$; have \I!i "",me;, .
, , ,
. IJi)w 1Ii\ii!Jey etUtiIaia ..~ W'Io'" iIId tltj:y ia\dIe "1:otlle"
, '
hoUae? WIi04!d the ilaYillp,J/, ,"
,", '\
, . ,"-,didJtkydo
ror..te*!8_I~:.~:
" .

"

""
IJZ . lORN TO./I{ .
.
. Wen there family rilllAls, IS DO(ealbla until .vtryone ~
wau..udor until after praye.l't
. W!latopmIonsdid ~ ,,-veal-tdill'eren!
"
foods?AboJ1t
.
~Jo,Kttbouldbe ~Cd8l1d"",", ..'

.W,hat...,lbeIr~~a~t,.,~you.tea,llll......
. .
yo"ateit7;. ."'.i" '. .
" .
.Were,lIIdllIIIIU.ti~P;
,. .;
l'iIIIi,p~
.}',;:./
pr.a 1JIIitu\'e? .
,: :';. ,<:":', :./..:..' ", .,/., , '. -,:

ifII~
.:" ':
.
':".::
~

.
'.

"'"
-:>_.' ","';:' .::'.,:.~::

'
',':':-, ,',:."
,
'
"

.~i.:at""t~III'P~I'ip...'~~~?W~ .
thoilrCk!~.lt1'8C:IIve,dean? ...' .,"
,.,.. ,I
~~erelhfly
.~at hqnt(and~ upwbeb~ ?III?
.' 1
. ';0ta.~y~eta~,:~~4:liojlll'l1: '.
1
'.'".of~~~~or~dral>?'''
..~~~-:'=~!.-=r.:~~~~1iGt. ," ,
..~",.!j .~
. \81ha1 !tid.I!Iey
...r.boI!t~li~r '91 .4weII.1iP'ID.t
.., ~,
YaI.-1i(e.
,'.1: , ,.,
O. rwNIH
::
.-1OaneDd? ." . "
. "., _',:" '.':',.'_ ."".
,. H~ ,pluchedw:alioil dW tbey have? ',' ',:
Were tlie)"talif6e4
',,'
with.
"
.
.it? ,.' ',' , "".
.Did,tb'Y"l\counaeyou Iifb~~,!IIor;?The~? ?
oiW1DtbcyJDIcteited, indi~~ PI'~ ~,you(edil.
catioD?)Scbools? Tellche..? ' '. . .'

W.,-k' , . '.'
"

." W,,-tIl1DdloijPbs.~ theyba~W~ ~. ,...~~~..

,
J.
'''-m? '. . . i . ",' . c'
~"..'. :', ,:- . ':"',...',
,.'
Wliatdkt~"',abdul.fl!eJGb.1H"';""ycltttlll8k~'p=r.
f~e4th~III~/i ...,.., ",,",).,,;' "i
."
. · Did (beywlpt,youlf)401lle ,",1IIe;'~
1)eUerl..',
.
":","
Of~~, $OIpelJlill.
'1-:;(\':'.1"":':':""",::<,:';0::"':"'"-'.,, '"
..
Pid .theyhave ,pedfic altitude.
)
11110111."""
,> a wOIIIao',
. .,' - ~ 'it ".' "
.'

.
"\
 Pqrm"If' ~ "", ;ft,i, Ep SllItt 133

Workand wh.it'w..ltlan'$ .workIn'the businC$$and prof .

5ionJl'olqrld1 , ..
'. . . .
'.
jil/lt...rl51 ,
.
',,' ',-- ",-/', ,', ", "', ,," ','
'..
.'Wllat ,veril,tlte n,toftd and .etIII~ahaloC$ youip&rentJ.lailght.
"
:' -

.'.,
>yOU? " ..' .' .'. . ". .

. W'eRtlI* .'~1fe$ related I<>~reHgious~k8rouUdorBnJI

.W~~YI'ur ~".~~S'/...p~Weret~Y,~laled
,with ap8rli<:ui,u.i'elisic\iBppTlf the'aU$'. w~ Ye>i!
bt'
..' ,,', ..' .
'c1iK1ed and how? .".
"
.Oidthey h~~e deftnit e allitUde51<>,vQlf
. . 'Peo~l~ OrdilT~
'reli 'p 'oUS belief.? No",
. . did
' ...I!1eY tlheiJ
. ..1 etntlitud .es'I D 101
they
. .
use ~religion'lO~trol
. .. . ..your'bebavior'l
. . ... . Did lAeyu..it
. .
I<>give you a.sense ~f appreda\ion fot~. WOIIcler
pfUfe? 1"0.
gi~eyuuCbII!tortan4~To'~oIainoatural ph~. .
11&?~h5t dicltl:!ey...y abo,lltnAwo\ls Deliefs?Did they ape?
.
. HoWdi<l theyprllC\lcelhcirb.elief,? Were whal tIIey !'i¥I iIIId .

. wbat tbey'wclconsistent? '. .' , ,~

'.

..~~~~r~~~~~::Yb~~;t'dl;nicf~~~ .
Wh5t dicltbey y?Wba\ did they clp1 "

,
.\. '.. ,t:,
" "

"
. spew. J>alt(rn.;. .
.
~ How did they speak !O each othart'."
Hpw did they ~ak
f'rJ,Cll4S?SelYanlS?
. : You? Can you recall their w<>rcl$ancltoM.,
10 6Uter pec>pl.$U~:~ tlidriff.~nilfl
"
.
.
.

ofvi>lee?' '" .:."

.
· Pill \bey"'O/1akilldbflanguapwilb~pe(lfi~~dlilt-
.
.other ~w\tttod)~ ".. I
. .
.:
J.Ukil'l"Bl',p~r~ .
.~ ,
. Didthejr~\~..~~~et.to~, , '..'
.Didtheylis~~iilta.~mindH~tly?W\.Ib\l"dtf.
. slallding?...~~y?1l~~y?. . .
. What",.. ...101ab!>\II1islelllllg'/

.. "1 I
iI
.
134 . BOliN TO WIN.

'.
~ripl Tlwine. IIIUiRola'.
.'
. What ,"",cd to make them bappy?Sad? Angry? F tra1cd?
.
Help)C$$'I .' '.
, , .:- .
'-,'
.Did th~ btve'a "Ii~ Ibemc,iudI. ~'J)rioIdn8 tIIeoIS\IIVeito .
. <!k&Ib,\,
':'C9a1miiti8a~~ :~_iour.it,."S\'~.in
..~~. "N_ uilemdi!i8:}~-;,-wBu~ II~I)';"
"an"" )'IQI "~e,. q.,'
'.
.'
..
~.'~Your~ts,hawllilrerenIJif'I~~$?\V~ ~'ihC~ .
IIJ ~nttlt!.~en '"re .
lhey~I"ple!nCllIlllY1.' .' > >; ..
'-b.t!lk ~)'OUt ~11I8u~sinlh~rY~.~~did
.

'. .the)' I#YiI!e JMUI:'

o(Vi",~Pencattors; en ft"acUOIs1\V1ta1
.,...,
roles. did Yf1U~y ia rel8.\ion to~tbiom?'
_..,.'Proi:
",
,,"
P/IIJ
., ..
.._ . ,'"

,6
,"

. .",',
'~Z','

..
.

).
. "'., '!;. ~'.
' '
~Ho-'cli.i!I;,y)li:t.. ~)Verelhey8fT~""1.
.loUd, SIlent? '..
'..
i "
...
"

.
~Wltal were.thelr r -, ,
.'
,,)
e~lkxiy .
~7 "
,,~," -'--;-
',' ',,"', ':': ,,' ,'-"
',:,,-,
.:: . ,
· Howdi«they:ic;oId,
.pUniilh,or,~You' "'"

.:-it
..~.
.1III41Sr01h
. imct/o,
, .,~ djcl,y. cj'Nio
., ;,,,.,.,,.
faVoRtidQt,';""::-;C"''':,>,-',.,!>-; '"
.:,:-.',"/';,'<t"';:
~~. s1IbW' .,;"
. QjcItheye,q,~ss &/leer' hale, orkive toWard .y(ni? ~.
./iowdi dthcy_ . 'pulal" Y""1Wjlh giwl?f~ .c: ~7
Sw~_,/,
. False. eomplimenl$?
. IiOw?. ':., . . .....
"
'What .mo(lOis ~d ..yinp..eteyoureared !'II? W"~elhily,
hC.l\>ful?HuttfUl'1JrreI~1'I
.
, , ...
"',..;... -," ';
'. '
-": ", "-

· Were Y<?UI pa~lS.gencrally -truslWorthyorli~<;tahle?

.\\!etil\!M!Y~~~Ii\>" .. WitJ1.~~.~ Wil!>}'OI!t

"Poyouthillk.1!Iey
',':,:,".".:
, ~~yo.iI~thep"et~ol!yo~Siae1'.
. Whal ditJ yOulihnd
<
r'JI li1!~wi~ p~~
"-;;;

Po.Y4li1bi!lk
.'.. .
,
..
',"
':-'

-
_
,:':

,,:_
""',
,"','.:

ah6Utt!ic",1
'-,
"".:

_-'.-,
,'0,>,,:'':''

~ ..>'
':iJ,:-.,/.,

.they eDCOUra~YOU\ebe -wicUlGrorluSet1'

.. ",.., ..: ',~, .., .~,
.' ,', '," c' "," "
,
I~

.
 ,
I

PIimJIII, fRfII,,.. Bp St4N

. .r""
"YourP_t8'Atd~
. . ~
'.
. .. ..
.
.~ . I .
'
HoW WOJlldy~ur parenls react to
',iI. sic!! c\Ii1d c9tftgbul in-thO nii!I"
. A dill";. birtbd.i'p~"
. '. . . .
oA"\'I14b\'eakinta raimlytrf...llli'ordoin$.qDl~ ror1>jd;..
'~'.."
< ,':.
""-"" "":-""1,,,' -'.

,.~cI'.~Y!n..l!eQ~~y~;~. ,f ....
.. .
o A4U14's...anting 1fpel.;.
.. '-,I ,'.,_.:,
."," ','._ ','.

'A t«n.age.l'\irini!l.g away orgetti~g) Pr,osnanl.

., A.teen-ager e!ltistlrigin-)nilimy semce,
.Tbemarriage ortholul i:bildin the r.mily:
'A'I\ew nei*hbi)rf>f.ditTerenl~~(litor ~ ;\
1~"presldenlial~IIiPitt r.n rofce,J . ."'."
.. 'A retallve'swlllltins «tCOlile 10 Iive.yoUr "ome~.
A~in~nt.~..utinJrora~If.. ......
:
.
.. A retallilewlIoni~ ~ ~... .' ...,'.
.\"
'"."
'~..cariCeklel\l..' ' ,
'... '.' .
· Tbe~wOek~d, M(Iit".y ~~or l101IAA \,', .
1'1
.a. Ho AreYcIu,UIte ,
. Your 1'
~fter dl~erlna ;;'ore qf wmu yOUrparents, werercaUy like, .
becomeawareor bow yo\l'1eftke t1teIh.'
,
: ..
. . Ileview the q!leSlions and responses :n &pet\m~''''J''IIDd 2" .
,.'
ukin. yo_If the Ij~. "H~ dOJ tIOpy
~-:;
\M81'"
.<'<,,',0,
. ..'. "",','";_d,.~:";:;<:',,
WhAt Is your NW'IIIrin& PareDllike and I\Qw 40 YO.Ulse!t? .
_>';:', ,,' ':-<"'.

'...
With.faDli\rtfried&? €()I.wq~ '.
'. "
'~\¥I1al i,a§Ou~"Preiu4'lCi~1'!'fen~iiie 'an"fI9\V'do;'u usei!? .
.Wilb rtniily? fri.il4s? CO-wod:en'!' . .' . , '.
1" " ", <'j ..>:
.,

.' \
1
 ,
136 BOR/'! to WI/'!
. What. mannerisms; gestures, tones of voice do -you now use
tha.! are like Ihose of your parents? '
If you work,with clrildre)l,how much of, your behaviqr comes'
fiom )!PUrParenngo swe?" ':
, Imagine yOUrself talking ",'chJl4ieQ
"

ill <WTere)lt moods. ~oW ,

", wo1i1dyou respQl1C!to;a",hjnychikl. a h~rt f;biId; a ,,~ughty

cl\ild, a boaslfulcllild, an inquisitive child, ...8iw1na<:l>iId1
W,hich llarenl ftgU1'e$irJ.Yol/would taUt'in lhalway'l Is it
appropriate? How \10you, use$h,~se $lime,modes Of ex~
&lQn low~d gI'OWDUPl'?, " ' '
.

Ndw lake a pencil and paper 1i1Idwriteol11your idea Of,. per-

fect, child. , '. .
,. " ~. .,'
· ,Do you think, tlli' j. wbatY<I\It'parenltigures .!)IIi" write?,' ,
.pi~youIiYe,up to o~fallsh<>rt0f tiUsiJna80? '
,[
'. Do you '!'(1weJtj!C!;l~driJl1 orOtiter adultslOCliveup tolh!S,
i!ll~e?
J.I.
',,'
' . , ",
'. ".,'~
"

.'.~'~""~~"~Ullot~_~,..
atope.1t_y'
. ',. -.
to ~
,"-",'q.,."" ,- "',,.,,
*"-
"', ;
", ",<
'"
'. Imaaine'Yourseifat
.nA';'..g: Abi>ullWCJ:Itfliv.~
are PIb~inJ'orillally, The speaker..1IS the ~up1C1'..'"
"qo)l 8I!4,!hen..yo, "Ilieedfive Ofyou!O v<)IUftteerso thai I ,

can okmODStrlltesome o(the princjplesof our new ...~cb

~to mathematics.'," - - -', -..

.. . P9M your eyn;wMlwoWd hepg ol1,in ,YOurh~d

when you were ccIIIfrOnted,with thio requ.? Who is talli-
ing(in Y0JlrbeliJl)? ~bo ilts? ,
", '"",
.~,youraelfal>Ou!.l9.l&kU r~,~ it\.I!i,I!Dc
p>rtanl""1J1'SC.l.i~,to your inner dialofIC., :' " i
.~tare Y"I'':p~ r ressayin&1.Jiow;is
~j)lt1er
" ~~~.r~f~z,':tt:L~:i=~~~~~~" -, ,,' , .
'.. .
o l!IIaglJleyou ~ive ' 1I0tir...tion lrom th~ .Intemal Revtnue
D~p8iimel1tthaI,they Wishyo~ I!, come in, to documenl your
,"
, in,colII~ ,18« ~Iuni. '
"

- .
 PlIIftl'''I aiad tire .ptWlft Ego. ~Stlll~ 137
,1 '. .- .'
What is.,the innel; dial9gue?
> Imagine you are at a banquet and your name is called une~-:
peeledly. You areaskcod to stlllid up and come to the .front
. launch..in~a
table. Imagine, as yOUstand there; thai the speak~suddenty
paean. pi p~aiSefor your "good waits":
.
What do the P~nt (igures iReXO'irhead sav io YOU?How
does :yourChild respoftd?'" .
".
.
>Imagine severalell10tlOJIaioriraumatic situatiolis: Li$ten to
yourinterli81 dialo$ue; What is.aCtu~lly ~d'l . '.
.,
. : ~
. {I
. ' . .
5.Y~ P~nt.BgO~~te8 _

Writeln~he importallt rness!'g":you.i tWQ DlPst signifi<1lU1t p.r-'

" entfigures SC;nito ypu from each <Iftheir ego stat.., . :..,
'. . ~". .

.-
.

. ~
WhiCbof,the.. me sse,gcs haveyouincOrporated in )'Pur pwn ego
..
states.?
.
Include f~ings,
. 'thoughts,and behav,ior:
.' .

.'
 IJ3' , , 80RN TO WIN ,
'
eo Nan.an Therapy (Japan~ Setf-o"rvatlon Method)
6'. .' ' .
If you ue famillar with ZCQo~oll\er fonns of l!SCCIioip<!dita. '

lion, you.may "'8111k?tty thiJJapanese ~lfoj!bSCfV.~ i!tOth,

<)d~t.'4ikIlltIIl"""y.' "Iti, apro<ilsSin ...hiobthed~pll' ,
.
n8llte;tam!lIes~df.I1C\Ois on IUs~I ~x~lIc<s,an~th~II~.h
J~ ~lIecbllR _pl~ \lIe seU',~rotl\laU~II~ IHi~
, 111JaJ18".N.aik~ ,*~olle ~e~,~thePef801l ~I~,,&:o,n his
or b~rlegs 111&$n>aIi,r~,: ~~8fromS,~'ai,. ~~p.1I1.A;
leI\~er ($ensei) colll8l ill~ thefl?ODlffQmlll!tO to lIIfte...d
aSkSfhe,pcrsonto,meditale OIIIyon,theJ>\!op!ewholiave ~cI.
eel the \ndiv!dull{'s i'efSQnll!ily,~gin"i1I8 wil~ lIIepctsI!R"
mOlher;The di;(:i~anl is aSke!il9f<x:us ",hat lie'o"lIedid,
or sai!1\()the~,sm<!theri!llh# 0"
dhte~ingre~III~I'4Id.
lIO!ju$lwh81,hed!dor$8id. '!'he emp)la$isis OI!.sel!'-I!~a~ ,

Iionrath..r that! 011olher-obscrvaiion. ,

, A modifica1ion
'

"
o/'Nailcancould~: ,;)

'_
'
.

....,.~'' ',
'.cw ,o~fpla ." c;e W bere. youWillbaVea"""lutei~
,,'
"
0 '
'

,
. ... '

tr~dlls,forai(extendea
, ,, , , , pcr}<>d.' ',.\
,. ' . ,
",'".,." " .
','" ,.
. ,,
, ,

",
"
"
.Imagine you..e IDokingat~blackTV $CruninyQut11\iiriL
.tJteti.brin$YQt!r mOlbe'ftli the s~,W\lenpictu~ ~~"
den~witb your mother ereers<, ~ yourse!!; "WJ¥itdid1c\o
or say all\le time?" Keep your fpcUson )"hat,roullic!, Dr
Jailed 10clO;'or bad'DO i.ntentio,n ofd$8." "., ,'.' : ," ,
.}{~pcatlhiswltb other pircnt fi~cs. '
"
"

~hitt doY!'u learn a~\IIjou,.,,!p,

"
I
I
"

, ,
.
 6 I;.
, ,

.ctii~aiJdthe . '

., '<',........
9hl~1EgQStflt~

I
Each of,us caqies within",,,,, br&u; and nervous system permlll1tptj
,
rOc<>rdin&,
of the way we experienced our own impulse. as",~hild,
the way We experienced the world, the way we fel\ ,bouttheworl<!i
We experien!>!d, and, the way wc,.adlipteti to it. T"ePare~tego.
s~1t l*'<;orpl/ral$ th~' per$Qllalities of emotionally si$bl(~t
al1tborities;theChikl~~ ~,is the inner wor,1dbffed/n.. .iI.d
'
e"perie~ and,adaptatinas. ,..., ,
",
,X ~wbote~ads" "
a~d~qu~v~
"
!\ITe<;tinn-,', T?
"
," .

~"selfis\1. mesa,' playfu~ whiain.."'-.nipulallve-is rCs'poIIdiIt.".

fromthe,Chi'id e"'$,~"The ChUII.slate develo~ i!110t\u!1e
dj$eerilible parts: the Jliatutal ,ChUti,th,e f-jtt1e~fe~r,anilll!e "
AdaptCdChiJd. '" """,,"", ','

t~. NatlU'lll(:~IIiI,is tltat partoft~ ChUd,~ state that ISlhe "

very young, impulsive,unliai!>Cd,.eJ\presSive i!>fants\iII inside

. ,'. 139:"

>,
. '
 '.
140 BORNTO WIN
" each pe~n. It is often like a seJf-~ntered, pleasure-loving baby'
. \\those response is cozy affeclion when needi are met or angry.re-
bellion
, when \hey are not met. '
The Litrle bofusoris the umchooled lV;sdQqi of a child.!t is
that part of the Cliildego state that is iD!uitive, re,pondington,op-
. verbal messages and playing !lunclies. With, i~ a child figuros
Ihlngs()ul,lhings sUch as when 10<\'Y.when toh'~quiel, and;1,iOw
t<>,l.\1anil'Uj8te mama in to ,miling, "TIle Lillie' Prof~r is, alsO. '
',..,
higltly .creative., '., ',/'
c' ','
T~eAdapred CMldis that I'artof the Child ego stite t!lat e~1>c
,
)lSa modi/kalion ofllie lIIaturaIChild'sinclinaUons.These ad~
tati0!1s of,natural impulses ooonr'in respoRse to ttauma~' experi-
ences, training, and,mostiml'ortantly,. ~.lIeman~ frolJl,si81)jt,i-
.calit authority JigUres. For example; a' child isnaturallyprp-
gra\1l.d 10Mt when hungry, Shortly ai¥r birt~, howeve,r,thi! nat-
ural.urge may beadapled, SOthat the child's eatiJjgscbedule '"de-
, termined by the chil<I's parents. A child would also, do a,nd take
w~aCs'\vantednatur~lIy,oni",pu!~, b~tmay be'!dal'te"tOsh~
ar>4 to ,be <;nurteous to.".~d others In ways also deter..mll\edb~t>Ji!"
CIItq)n the next pageisa !ec6nd-dJderdiagram o:nIle01IIi1eso
cs'tat~ \"",' . ,. ',","
.
-: " "",-:: ,:",',,".
. ~ -,
.' ,"'-:' 0#1
'. " " " .

.. 'filE .
NA'l'UkAL CHnJ>
The Natural Child within
"
, ,

eacl' pets0n'.Chil<\ ego ~tateis what

.a
.
,
ba!>ywould b'e "n/iturally," if there Wl're,nOothl'r intluence, The
Natural Childis ' '
,.". .

. af),ectionatc,.

imptilsive~
. I
:s~nsUous,
,
um::ensorea.,-

. curiolls.
, ,
. ,- . ,
'.,'
'BY~.lII.re, ao~~fanti:~s~nds1o tb,~.~in'lo-skintol!ch Wiih,~-
er,and good feelings of a, rullqelly. j~t4e O1otberjsplelUled Wl1l\
ijer b$by, smiles.ofsatisfa<rtion I) betWe~ them, 'lhey .ared<1se'
an.dli.ke it., ','.
,!nfani.\ respondllnpplslvely, tQ t1ieirllodily
" (eeliDgS,ctying' ,
,
.
 ChildhotJd ~"d rhtCh/IJ Ego Start .41 ,
when hungry or wet ~nd cooing when full or comfortable, ht{~nts.
react spontaneously to changes in their situation. !ly,lIature seek.
';11 g pleltS ure vcr paIn, infants e una'l\ame d ly sen SUQ , The ,
.
water, warming.
"
enjoy pleasurable feelingssoch '"as roUillgOn a ruS' 'plas n, the
in the sun, luckiJl!
.

. on a thumb; chewj g'On.

.
blanket, slurping'lustilypna'bott1e, They e&ploreme!r bodieund
.a. !
are 9~en deli&htedin what they find. Infants are without an i~
censortha( might.s~y "No,", . .' ,
.
,

.1
i

"

Ita_ed. ""..III! ... "'...""

, I. _
Ad inflll\.t II ~riOUI abOut tite'lUi-roulldi.g ivot-l4'"-lookIIiJ at .'1.
Ceelinsit, andofJcntryin..1I11U1C it/I'lIel\tU"a~ jIcar .
licklesthe iDr81it;me mi>veaj",toj' _mobil. ~t/Ie.lllf8llt's
crib capttltes ~tiM. These. ailf,fodW.tIt 1I\Ii1II.18Iit.....

:;"~~j~~Qfe:nf~~!#.~~lm:
.L-teritl1ifelhcllC
pr~c,ti..~
m~ di.r_ ~"eur"
rlJl!!lreamt,cSl't,ellofa sy1SI!1!IlIeajalllta.. '. . . .
m~e~~~l"~to:~'if;'oT:::J=~~:
.', "," ',- \'"
",-, ,',

.\.
"'
-~ ~-
'.

.
 "I

I
CIdJU,. $r~,.. 14'
01"""" and.''''
or aggression, In a grown man tIIc:se fanlA\Sies may lake tb~ form of
imagininJ be is s,ur\Ound.d' by beautiful worn.n who bring him
COIIIfort and dcligbt,a.king notbingin ~tum. Or, they maY take
the form of ~i""1Y tellingolT a bosSor.beatin, som~ne up:
Fantasying is ~.~y a8'1l1/i,,"up,~thc;tn\C1'llal.N~IU'
,'. . "
ral.Child! . :'. .' ,
'
'. Aaveyou everno\icC!l'...1\Ierry mallli!:kingalii~#Cm.Cone
, w~ ,?bvious dc~gb'OI1'a.patk ~~h. or allli\ld~~ ~
skippl~ aIonaail qeeanl>C!ac;I!.,or a <o\!pk;~1 \opijI;t.!Ji .
joyrul abando~fid1.1b90u .8awJ~>Nttu,.tCllilll ~lill:~
. expr~. Rep~orhow old a petsoll,i.ithoJllalurar~~
has valu..\t~cllaim andwAOJlllth to tbe~.~.'ityi
.' just as a'real child.anl\!ld cltann'ifnd warJtUh10. family, "per. '
_ 'onw~o maintalasa.child's ~pabUitiq forlil'fectij)n;
~ane'
iI)', *n.uou.n",~. Cliribslty.andlinagil\ation is li).:etytDcitjoy.Uf.
'and is fun lobe arOund. .' '. ". .'
..
Ho v... th.Na\uralqiidis .
DOrju.tcharmil!g;but ~
,
"",

f.arful. .
. sclf.iRdolg.Jit. .
..I(-&n\...d.
r~belliou..
aggrcS$iv..
..
Bynature.cbildt"na""r~;"f\JI.Tb.yhaveprimalfe ofbomg
dropped or abandodcd. What would happen .if no. on" ..meto.
protect or tare for tbem? Being naturanysclf.ind~lgeJiI. childrail
,wa.~t.~.rything'\~eIr own way':'someti9>esat a~peci~" moIDCO\'.
",lliChis usually.tlgIIt 110",:,chl14ttllappear to .xpe~uce tIIe\1l' .
s4!IVCS
as lit. centerof tIIeu1l1v
! '..11>eo.it"'l\\Cied!Zhlld.Weiisi~\O '.'
.
<
otherptoptt f..Ii....
t..i~~Id,i~seIO~Iii><i~'t:Jllie tf'sli!\te.;tIO'ltke 'Iiras.:H~oo;

.~1¥~~~~~1~~~~~~..., , ."<
$O~Ii~ ~tbi$ wjll...itb 11>i'cc.', .
'. '.W1I!!Rff!lsUitt""''¥N~lii~If;liilcl m~rebl!liioiisly.ciijl. ,
"dren. mayastert tblswilfby throwin&a boUIe, retUs/nglOeat,
anlil1&1/iitllilngefcl\rebclli01!S.cbilclsaY No:' in.many.way..
.Sqme Child'{.nexpress rebelliOusnessbyhaving:tempcr tantrum..
When. used inlidult life. such boh'aviO.is self-defeating. .
. .:,.
.
 . "

~ia
~I!J 5
I!J
I!J~

~~~>;:
'='l"
go
~=
"'-t'"
'='
.~
'"

~
~
-----
-- -
-
. ,
148 'BORN TO WIN
.' .
Ca.. UllUlt...don
Wben Mary was.littlec8ir!, if..she C9~ldn'lhave -.:h£.8he
wlllled. sh. would faUtolll.Ooor. kick h.r r..1 wildly. and
, screaltl..Her ~Olher ine.ital>lypv. in 10 her d.mands.
.

a groWn Woman. Mary)OillSa,'compttent secrel!li'y.nd in

.
lin. to'i>ecom. pttsonne\manag.r, How..er. Wh~nher re-
qu.st f<>~'*rtainv~tion dat.swasdenied. M'ary...spond.d
., .Ii)'yelling."'wanll~d.~ies. and iff can'l havethqrrnuch.
)'011ell! .n.otOb\a#S aMund bere!" Sh..lhe.n st8n\pedher
fOOl.rnilrcbe4outofhersuparvisor's office. and slaltlrned tll.
doOr.. she w.nt,As. ,.soh. Ihe supervisor sUbmiuedsuch a
n.gative rep!>rt Ihat Mary nol only fa\l.d I~ get her.preferred .

v..ali!>,! Ii!"e.sh.also fililed to be adva~ to perionnel

. .. ;
manager. '
..
Ui)l... ilioy make "1(-cent.tOiI d.mands, .ome.Childreli wo.uld
petlslI;"~tr asemli'VCnl'5ian(\r~nlOuSI\'" gowm*telyuh. .
,
.

c~ked. peoplt.wh.n arowit.rnayl>lindly~mand *It.gtatili",,-

tlOnwilhoul regard . .itherforperso nalll.alih or 9felY orto ""It
of-others;SIn1h
. perso~Srtllyd'ri'VCUkef<XIls.
. . dr!nklOO.lI}yc/t.a~d
. . .
'
eat like glullonl.Their unadAptedl\h.!ural
Child~Y.m.~,n
.

. ..' ,.
lI1anyl'll~s:' " . '. "
'bosses 'N.~o~~nttllin~~~..itway.or':lhe~;~~~.' willl-
oul ~pr!l for Olh.rt..."... ,
.~.:i?.j.', ...;'
. f.iJath'..who ..Lnilll>' lake more.th.r!.their sh .
'. puents \Yh~use their aggreSsionio batler tii.irchi1dren. ..
'., ', ,'
. ...""'.. "," .",
"." "';'
.'

. ,'~oiiv~rii:IY, jft~li~ of .WC$Siven~ and ...J>el!ious~'" are

. ~m~IY~Uekhed1n
. ~bild6QOd..pCQpI'e~~!>m~una~l.etO..at'
£, "~~iIi~es.ey~whenne~s.ty,'ttie)'~ ..
~;;SI>",,"of,*'
,
.. 1<1
. "al~t$in
. .
" chitto n aJl . ..oth. rs 10'14 l:8dJ,tI"""-.. i\(llIertI
p

ot
.<'A
..'.. Iie~ :)..
. .... . rson8JIow.
""" .
. . .. . tI!ie~1"""
. . . '.

'JbiN'(I\t.rc~rr4i'f'!faY'. ... ..< ..~

,'I'" ..
.'
 C/dldhood.rrJ Iht!,CldId Ep SIal. 149
THE J,JTTLE PROFESSOR
. Th~ Liltl~Professoris tbaLpan of Ibe Cbild ego stale thai is
iaaately . .

intuitive
~ea,ti,.e,

. ,1It""ipul.tiv~. ' ,. ..".

.I. .' ,

.Witlt no knowledge.of psychology,&mild inluits mucltofwl>alis

ga\ngon ,DebbY lOOks alher mOlher's f~ and figllres",ul she,~d
I1etI~t .top
.
what,. she's doing;
.. Site . catches her mother's ""nyerbal
m...a$e senl tlu'ough a disapproving look and~ncls to it, SIM;
. Ihen attempls to solve hc(problem wilh Ihe use of her Liltle Pro-. .
fe.sor, who ';psychs ""Iulhe best. ro"v~ in a given.situation. ......
.'
. Winnie-Ihe-Pooh (I], a walkiag, \Biking teddy bear, is. li..p'.
'Prototype of the inluitivelittle.Prof~r. Pooh)Vants \1(jn.e:trr;»n' .
Ib ctopofalrce , bUI ca ii. inbisli..i~lIcInP ,1 \O.g~l it.. Helhlll .~ ,,"'
gins
. 10creale his. plan &~!Icalls
. . fm'hiJ .ia-yC't,t1>I&friclld,
. .. . . Cliri.~.,,'
. " .. '. . . ',::
pher Robin.
,Ihe. lree.
.
. 10 give him. a balloon. '(bus
.
. .. , .
he... 110""to\lle'tOp.!I"t
, .','"
, ,".
,~.'. ..~~
"Il'slike.lhi.,,,'he~aid. u"'hcny\,u,;o after ey wi"'tbaUQ9n,.tht~
thin! is nol to let theboes know you're.<omi,,!, Now, it' yon ba1lC.i~ }
,
.,
balloOn, 'hi)' might think you wmoaly pat, ,Oftbetree d ll!il,~ '
. ".
you, and if you have a bl.e balloon, they might 'binkyouwereQi!lypadOf
,the sly,and not r.~tice you, and',the CfuCsuon is; Wbithi$ most like1~' .

To furlherbis plan, Poohroltsbit11SOlp~

the mud.He inna... a .
blue I1111100n and. hanging onto it, rises above the treetops to ~.
cOme ua little black.cloud in lhe S1Iy,WIMthe bee'seetl\r~~
dtsguise, SOhis plan fai~. AlthoilghPoqh had given inllc1.':t~u&!Il...
to solving ms pr6ble"" b~' I~k'" infolrnntioita1'loUc~;iIIl~!I'
genec a,ndvi.ulil "9iIty oflbebees.'. .)', .,:", i)'
like, Pnob,lb~ ltt\k 1>tofessor,.. Ib~ Child tgl;l.~I8!i'I~1fO('1~ .
ways well inf<>rmed.Tbc child b.. nef div... enollgl\~)jtj)I
bad enough e.peri"!'", t9 be so. 'I'heehild oflen.rnakes W,,?~'"
ci~ions and draws wr9n~ cOncI\I$ion$. F.ot damPle, si~y.ear.ok,!
Raymond, who had heeD watchiag t~lCvi'ion",t!iiera' said.lO.his
grandmotber. "look <>"1for r?~~n you.open .the door.~

"

,
 1~1 '1/9RN TO WIN
'She <esponlled, "How wiD.(lD~ .
robber if I see ODe?"Wilh
S<OrDIbe boy we!, "Oh, OmDdm., you em IIIw.ys ~lIthe ~.
~"ys;theyweillbl..t _,,,
, .
. . .
'.
" 1."e inlaid"e yme Pt'ofessoris stili '!'li... .rt~ . persoDh.;
gtoWDup"r--~ ~,ItIDV1e,
.~ em.inluit~ mealling
ofthe
.
~~~~~=~~:.~7:~%:yto:;:;,::t~:
.1I4..elijcnd.u)'be
'TheLitt\jiProf~r,
enjoyiDg .~...tAsy.
~hO tm Iio8!>m~ofi8iui
", ,.' ,','

wilholll
.!

. auikor. feu, ~ JlQI biclil!ed ,II> ..staY~\hiJ!' theliu.,." .iD the <:!I.i-
ori.ngbook.blll.ean 'Origittatcnewbol1ndarieS .J!d llUlke. dlffe\,-
~Ipiclure. ThIi lJuteProf"'"'l"i;An 1I\8iI(~e8$tle 0l1loflllllld",,4
w.tet. Ii building out ofbloei:s, pies.oUt of nlud,'od . draiaa with
.big!t!!eels md loil! skirtS, Cowboyhl!\$, II11dbolsters.
. .~lewhoexpresstl1eircreatiYilypurpo",ful\Yuse thelrLltlle'
Pt'ofe!sorihoonj~nCtiOh with thei\' Ad~1 ego ''-Ie. )Vh~ llpers<!n

.
.expenences "moml9l\ of geDius. the ];lItie Professor Is:proba~y .
il!9ft il. The Adullartd the Lillie I>ro~r
getherlliey _: .'
mllke.gpod fejI",.Tci-
, ,
.

\'. ,
,.'
 ChiltHtood, lJrid.flleCItIId Ego S'll" IS3
to figurt QUIhow to bring someone Close by, Ofte~ by lrial and
error. Ihe infant finds Ihal.. f~igned rea~ orill!!e.. will make
lJjother come quickly. If Ihese early manipulations ate effective;
tlte chIld is likely to atti'ibutethese succ;esses tomagie.''Like..1I
magicians he believes. that his wish"- his though!$, his ~prds are
the instrumenl5 .of his' lliagicpowers"[~t Af!er ;ijl,'a clrild 'e~
her.eyes. .
inake the world dis.ppejU.I!Y..clo$inl.hispr .....
"
Y<><4ngchildl~n akl> attriliUte mJllic powers to parent fig1lt~
and may fear that they \lave the .power I<)turn 'litem in.to 5IIakct,.
. to&<!s.or ugly duck,\i 0tJnak~themd~ppWa1lo8<~er,M-
. tually.'~~enl5 do hol.t , thepq~ rllflireal14 <ij'~~~WtheD . ;~!I j .. '0,
chen.ft is no wonderthue'llUdretl\~totitlAli:or~..;' \ '.
."'.
. . . . ... .. .
powerrul gianl5 or ..itches to be'outwitted. &11,<I.
o(lheI\'~.. "
powerh:ss.(P<)\verlessMe, rID' nol OK.. POWbfui Yo~. ~OII''''''
OK.) Som~ ..uthol'ities tal<e~v~t.!,f a chi1d'~~lief~. .
whentheylmj>1ytheyhaveey.esllttltC'bitckoftiteirheada~. ,
tllaj someone is .Iway$ ",a't<;itil\8-As Onelx>ywtOtel ': ,,'
with ~~ay eye., Tbeyalways tnQWIIIhe~,~~,"
'. M(1)t\ter.are. people
, -.hat you are doing, how you're doiqg it. who you'fe_doingit jIitb,.~, .:'j
wbcu. you're. ~oin8 it. T:heY'BR "thefiB. ones to find oUt what lOu..~~(~,' .:
,.' ':
.want anyone ~ mow. - _.' "'-.',
.J , . ".\ . ~ . . .
". 'ack{3I '
.
Childrenfrequently~li"Ye}nthe n#cof objectsand events. '.,.
~Ybeco~u.perstl~ a~\.!Yd<y peJ!ny.a iabbi.I's root, a
f""r.leaf ciover.a-blaclrQt, a !oolh uDder a .pilkWI'amado.....
crossiQg1hemooli;btCaJrjQgamirror;steppingonacraclr. ~iQg ., .
on a &tar..and walk\1lgu"de;' a IAdder.\So",epenl'le. when ~n,'
.
are Qa~ ta dis~uishthe magical !hillking of the Li!tlc hates< .
SOl' f~ the faClUllIintormati<)lllhaicani>t ,data proce$SCd by
their Adult.S~1t' pec!pIe~~sily""'!Ifjjse fl$ClIDdfantasy. c,~
ql1colly;they may a!'l either omniP,Otent«h.lpl or jllSt ,.~t
and de.1K!tIjiJa!.:>'. . ",
".'
O.m!li~~people matIi~.I~
" the,lOP-dogposi-
001\'2
'J'!I~1I}'in"'"'the.ti~()[~~ iHdclw\ellt!iat
they hOlda ~~~et'.. BI'*~ ~tllbt... ;
a'~~ptOJ>le JRlmipUlaletrom.1,IIe under-cII!S
.~..
=j.:r~i~~~:,?~:~~~irhelplcssn~
Man'~
'1 ' e retaina<;hiId hOOd belieftU 'iWishiIIgwilimAk4t i1 .
so. ~',.j$b.8nd
,
. . . . wait for ,the
.. .. mll8ical .event'lo idljirove their
..
 ...
. ~o-j
~1:1'
t'J
o-j
c t'J
i::
:>' ..
-i~i ::!
<:
t'J
t"
..
! "3
o-j.
i"
~. t'J
~t"
"
;; 0
~=* c'"
t'J
p- CI>
rn
O'
I"

~._-
 156
. .
II()RN TO 'WJII
'.

live,. Meanwhile, tililerUl\S out, and tltey lIWIi}>ula/c IhelD$Olves'

into going nowhere. Beme ..teB to !hi, as waili1lgfor Santa Claus.
. . . .
He wrile,:

i'
!,
~':,
'

,.

H:'-.
,-"I"
~;L';',l"
&;~,,':~-',

1:.',',",
.
, ;,,"~
"C" ~

.'
 1S7

. ,.
THE ADAI"i'BD CBn.D
A ~ld;. flrot adaptations ~,!he wo~14 bept .in the "'other'a.
wottibas her emotions, chemiW QUlke.up, nUlrition,lI1\dheallh., .
.
,Ieav~ their ef'l'ec:tson bCronbOt1t dl/14.Fo)lowing1ti_ e~peri.
,
. ence. is the traRllla of bIrth-aD Infant's flnt ihrusttnto ~~~ate~
nes. and flnt ""..tact with the oulOr emationsl aild physical envl~
ronment:,This new envlr<mllteJi't ma)' range. from dire Impcive!'ish.
ment togro88overstillndation OtoverproWclion, ""nl!'il>util\g,to
.
" the OK or not-OK~1.ingS the infant wi!1..dllllI1Y dOvcIap.'
Immedl8'lely after birth, an. Infant bepts !I)ladapt.totbtde-
.mandaof outside authorit)', d. ngthl. out Clfawink1survive iII1<Ia
.~~.fa':'~~f~v~::~:;~:~:.~e~~::;~::=a:v~
Qpover)'slowl)' froril.interactionwitb \htenvirClnment, panicul~
.
. ......
l)'with parontfigurjOs.
'

'. '
Smiling ,and flattering responses {rom pa~t
li4ures ~vey to.'
. thecl1i1d the ideUfapproval for doing. what itrigbl. ~d or
. an$')' parental respo!lli's convO)' a sense 0( puniabment"l"P!iR.
for viron8-doln~ Youns children usuallyleam whallheyousJItto .
.~. by belllg praiSedClf pUllished. ThGf fig>ift oUI, witll tbe aid Of
their, LittJe PrClfessor, how to avoid pam and bClW"toJetaj)~I. ..
TbtY,adapt, in sOmeway, f!ithe..ougbt ,.'
'.
A'chlld'Uliaptations mill! ,I" ~at .881111'",ails the/I;/:Iaptt4
Child. The Adapted ChiliUs the pa,rtofthe Child egO atate, tlWis . I
inltuenced
. primarily,f,yparenl8. . '
Whereas some adaptation <)fnatw:al il!\pu\ses Is ~1iaI, many. ,
children e>q>~riencetraining thatlsunnet~rily f!preasive. fo~ .',
. ..
"~mple, cbIIdren whQ bear:
.~
.'
,~I~l!give YQ,\~"",lbing to really cry abQut!.. .
.,
,.- '.. -,.'" ,',' ',' ',,:

"I expect you tg dowhatfsay ilndliteit!" ..,

, ','l-eanbtand ,iti,I)(>iI'task meailoCb~dUrilt. queatioft!"
!'I'DbOat YQuwiJhinan in~ofYQ\lflifeit )''111..y that"
again/~~' .: ..: '"
,."',' ,.:'.
'

, may adapt by 1Qoil18,tl\elrabilily 10fe~lfQt $emselVes,tO be curi-,

QU' aoout !he W<'Irld,IOl!ive .and receive alTeciion. Their natural
expres,iven~ overly inhibited. .' ',- ,
. be""me..
/. ~ .
 "
. I CltllIIf/oodrw-'1 CItl/41Jo'.' .' .\59
.
~"ntly. ~lhollJl1lbe J*lilleJltlycltft,led18v1l11 Up'"
.11II.11, 019111~ Ihi w,nUnlo e rqe .ollie-
b"""
011ImoVed.louOl/1erpoup.. Thli oulbunlled her 10 pi In'
/oIIchWithol4f"lin.. Qt anl'f lIIe bedfellwhel! ber mothlf
W.. \Utl\v1lC)!MIli-lin4her tether bed8llbW8l\i\ ~~,

W~~~..~~. ~itldntady..~t.a.-~ .
::'~~~~~;J:~~w;:r=~,.,.
~, Ifii,.roonl~.u4~,~'
r_th',Id4..;~lI\iI.a~~'IIIOIbIr...~~iI~)r' ,.
~IU~. .': ... ';'C'.::;"":':,,:,,
.
.BtIty~..~t... tive"IIb'aA;'IUI\.hom'hoO~II1tIIll"' .1
wllylrmy. ~er fal/1erruelZIed b41rrlll!l~',..',!!!,"
~"her fOOI!1l~., .tIIInPc""~,!II'
~.. ..tlW')'Ib~.1\ .'lbelitupId.otcJ) ;""
.1~!Ia!...IIY...tttcl~~OIIeO{ber.t..cIi~~:N~~~~ '.'.,

'man'\VbO tireJy kepi ~ 'Pro~ in4~l\eIIk.epI

ber'M!iI :.'.',
for bOUrl.Mer. .&Fbl\jl8ppolJl~~nce, 1Ieui~~"
, pWtled."Wby~. ,
IbIItlwi.Y'\I*IIpenlo,m""
,~.,
»;/,:,
,',
'
i,.,
,i
"..',
"
',D*UyW"""enluJ,ll,yable 10aclmilWi 8he"~ held. ~AII' >'
bit lifeepin8lbermothet'ancl rt.ll\etJor tbulcIoI!iIitllli'."'; ,

'''9f!nll'iDaoooll1pllti.ble
~;3~1I obmvIcI!nclietllfw\lo .,
J pi«lIIin,,"yehII4~.
'Olber cbilcli'enlnelbl1!WilluetiOllmlpl ftIIpOIIl\
:..
.', '.
cliff",,",,,.'
: ':,'" .' < ','i'
.,
.
,

=~Wi=Lijf~~~~~~ed-r~I~:;:::~'
=lM~:t~tt:.~bIe~~:tdl~:~~=
.by £!'t'IlI~lilln"" or~~vtti4~ ..ltobblfs,Wh~It,CIIe)'
.,'cp~.~e,Tb~~~~iL~-"'jI,:,IttI~~;,;.',.
...
',~:~:I=:II~-:fu~'1;.e!1l"Of''''.). L
.~aJ"ppO~"!WO~~.te\jlii1a!1~.I'Jii..~ ..'. '. ,"'. J,
'W..~ectbUnhuddICd\ll.~riot.j\ieceU..., lalOr,talk-
1nf~l!ll\i8'c~Wero'ea1e~@~bls IUOtherend fe.' ::"
=:::r:;~~~U;n:.~;~:=:~~ieW:: .1
an~ Withhii ,
ar~1i tltan,W\ihltfWitbl\mrfti)m<,plifliol
'I
,]
I
I
 CloI tIwClIiIlEp S_ ' 161
wife, he "1"8$reliviag the _ pauemofadaptadQ1l:I;bis wasa ii-
play of a,cOmmonChiftIhOocI
"""ne. .' .'
,Children wl!o-adapt by withdrewiaa may do soeillouolll11y
J'I1bertbIIIphylicllly.In, a ~...,hcbildren ~/III1eoUt~ ~
often act as if they ~'I he8r. Thus1hey avom eXlel'Dlide",~
When~tunedOll...theyone. ataletheir.- _Idof fQI8Iy
'

'

.wJU<:hpt'oItICIIthem ftoII\ CODj1jc:I

..d thepnssible. hUn
, I8d. in.
VoIvemenl,~ 8O~th it. ' '
. ; '
. fllI1tasiet;9f the AdlptedChi!4 freqllClldyret'lecle8dytraiDUlg "
,', Or nt"'~' . ~lDUI!81)oycaU8f\1iIICalingatOOpe bYhit ittoIhet '

",ay 1JD/I8I11C be ' mg.nl.way 1O.jllil bee1i he"'SIIdI'a'~~ M

boy. A .yaung .&it' ic8redb): ~ ... ~er''' uaex~y
.. j"",pllig
.
Outofaclosel with aloud yell mayf'an18ly that lllerecould be..
IQ8Itill eve~ closet. A <OIIIIiIO* fiuI\aIYofpeople~_aJW.:
clren lObe _bufnol heaJ'll"is ofbeiit~inasit\latiOAWbeIe ,
'Ihey ,,"eel 10 .~~ oryenbuleart't . ~1\Dd... .
The IIIUSmedia,.. wc11"pria...cxpectatiQ may'lIiIl!!- '.
,ence a ChilclIb 11" ", re~.1'hisdislOtIion may..e the ~ of .,.,
tOpyin~ or f":""'"i" in .hi<bfhe c:fWdis
. .. . .
Tl!esw..g.rin$ ~whoy ",100<;&11"0
otliersto
.
_er whelt,1!< ,

enten,the,_.' " ,".

" '

rlie superpersol1,wlio..x.tai VISionfoils~eiollbory'!"the

,
city treasury. ..' . :, . ' ';"
Tl!e help'''' ~maiiwbu isreselleel flom her clinsY)aulWry
.
by a handSome.111...with the "",I pWcluct.
'~~_~, ., ~ Who.gains ,friends by dszzli'18 ...hile te$I d a,
v Ii
,;lad :fIgUre.
'
. '.,
. . ~.
'
Procrastination' isanotbtr commonpauem. of the, I\.da)?1ed
CliillLBecaUSetbe Nal"bJ(:hild wantsio .fetld and ..y; "t ,
wOII'I," aodthe Ada~dClriti!cIoIJsiI'Idste.I~1.illle Pn>AloiIur ' '. "
<!ec\de$lOstall.Byota\ling.
a clti'dpa!'!1y~~the au~
.llbe sal\1etime-satisfiesIllimlJ\r wISh ",1.B..uiII". .
, "'"'
proerastination betpmes an adaptive pattern., '
.' ..
,A'boyheariog bis molliefcall, "Freddy. il:s lime 10co",e in for
dirtDer,"dlay responcloii:ely, "JUSta min~lei mother,"By '.un,
teclipjqut hel\eit!llir openly clel1csbet nor;jumps 10..her com:
mand..'" gii'!_in~cI to sel.the table may tODnlerwith, "MI as
soon
/.., , lISthe pt'!>gFIImIs over, Mom." often. the ptoct&stin.tkm
.' , ," . "', ".
 "~.', 'ORNtoWIN ,"
'
ccmllnues with'~ust OIIlt'IIOftJlJ08l'lm"or ""Beloit ilt thl'next:
commercial." ~i,ldren I~I'II to piOcrastmatl for.......
many re8lO1II: ..
t
. .r
> ,',
. .
" "
'i'¥yhea~ tI1\i!'iIllY'~rft~Q\!nI~tldj,,' ','
",~, t, , , _
",'~'/~' ~- ,',1 ":<-, ',:: ',;' ,', ",
-1" ",' ','\ ""': ;",' ':' ,', 'i'
'
.:JNI}t(II!1.h'!lejr,4h~ ~~,!I!t);:B,p\ ~',',\O
"
~'!
I" :'
Sllpeti<;tpetrotmiineecrtlt,blm~"ir~ liftd SIbIinJli
:jelJo~s. ',.."..,...<. ..'i'<,'
~~,\I,t...~II-.I:bl)\ 4P\a¥b&, tb,tY~Nt"o~'~1ie JoOO
"
If they S\an1Oft,eDb1ltJk;SOIiI~. wilt dO il.' , i ~
.'. ',. '., ,"
". i
'.prQctQtil'alion c.belX'll\lln iDtelQi ,pa~'pr Ib; ~ycmilo&i''.
',' ',.'

eiI~ripl~."ayQ/' actn!1 o~~tbeHfe d'riiml~'Th."IICIiI\'i. ..en'ln I

:':?r;.~:;::;;~~~~=~J~'::..;:r~J~~~ i
'iftpo1M. "JliSttltl'irloRtllijiutei:and,l'It8etllpi~Mlllt~~.
tillors J1aBtat ilea<llbtet'.aljdoll~ IItk fII,,a 1i1lle'1IiOre!fQlj'
Tbe'~l1ern c,tpi'OCfllltil\iiliOIlit JOmllimel mule6 i'" i:oun..
ttllllJletbniqulin wh.~tb.iJI\'IO'l\it iitked.to~ ller ~is
#~~~~~~~~.~~i~:~I~~~~_ .
Clte.proerl.tin6ljoJt~re' .'
,',

- ,$14,,t","'l\IJan!to,.oul~hi\I'a1w!i¥";itI"'~,
' . "

,
Shl l1'.6,11I6t"8 trilil,'but shl flnBllydleli. , "
, .
In railout oftlrpl. ,

'.
'.'HI IIIYet gqt ttlttltt .
'
On'e !I1~'s'pit~ph tQok i poelig, (0tI#:
'j
."> ,)
".W u. a'poisot\ ni1\l1""lIk ,.,"

'.."':~"*'udth.:_:I\IIII'~IIIt:i:'.", ,',...' .'/

, ,;
",.",'"
~;,iI'itd.aft.1ilf\(ie!l.1IIi1\l';cIa)'thal.1Iedll«
IIInps~I.!,",,"r .,..,
,

'..
.JtiC,~m~,W~~~r
~'U~'II.:
,'" .',',
iJ~~t,~'.$atI.i~.~~fOrQ'a;wlll~6~
" .
"

,~dp~gpi~Oil.!l1i\ !>IIand dOl!rI 9pj1nin, ontpnl;llhinll>rOlltO I

. !~l'lIkwau.. "'I8btbaY.~~b"ilt ,bya'Yl'I1tJ,Uwho baI,~ld th;at
iit .h~ pr~lIItillalad Q!lI1Iii.hiJl8t,hlhous...". ,.ouId not
:.~?W I I
 . , ..

CAI"",.." N 1MCldlil£p sw. . . 163

The iItn.r Adapted Child isv.ry 01\... th4Itroubled part qfth.
perfOoaIity.This is partic1d'lrlYuue~hCII" c~ bo~ to win, de-.
. v~ps tbe self.imageQf a -., &$lIOt.O~.~bqiII$,to act not-
.OK; Wltctt a gnIWI1d1AAIW:IeI
..
eoaI\ic:t,w!a\l!1.. iwonaaII-ya "Y"',dear,"foall\'IqIiCSU~
~ Iiii 4eliratheith!"1tAt« f&nij\y

.t/II>Uab ~ reie»lIdtem.~.hea a~ t'efiIJ~ Q4;,

. . eaa't!/1illt Indepeitdcatly,Iti8Iiie1t\lt~'dIoIA4apie4qU/diailt "
'eomroI0rthepetS04'I~..t_ ~L WIatm./JIII.1s
th.S :.i1e_ !"I.v&O-!;t~...~~ quw),~e..'
~ ;vib.. .J<nbW,~.u;."~\uiay.
, tedtidive.." wiIdi,pure1aint,...,
Ct~"
.'
moul\lVicllm.' . .,. . '.'. '
..
/-'"
I,',.,,:..

.
;~,
"
cMci ~f;IoB
) ,".'"
:..
..
-
'0" ,:1' :
," .." . ..
',:..
..,
.. : ,~,:.,;' ,,'
..

'AithOUp. forty. H8N14 cimtia.8Y ~~

", .. . ,'r' ,;:"':. :,'
.
abOUqlU.eta-
I. tiOllShIjiwith his ,I1Iother. lktWoel'l 'Viiits.1(,her /1Om' he .-:.' .I
"
"

. . .w4u1d~i",ItJt"-el.db/llltr,\!>tellhert1tatbeMdltJtwite. .
had aSteilllthat Ih.u.cbiklrennd 1'Oligerbad to attead~mt.,. . .
S~I, HoWever,~ett Haro14actually (..",IItlis mother. he )
could. dot tell. htr 'Ofthis decH!oJl'Inste/id. he rabricat~
I
,I
,.
'.

"
"
.
 . 166 i.'.4OII:N TO W.lN ... ,

sfO~" aI10uIllie childrea that ~d her.~tbrtbe chil.

d~lI. they were in 'sR.al .con/1ict. abc1\1lwhaldiey were sup-
, ~ \0sayan",C!oinfrontof~!bnetb",.. .. .,. . .'
-.,', ,:,,~, ",.,"." '::'!'<',:»:-~"'I-':':""':_-<:': :.,'
~rnld's Mt>therjoa.tltemOilI~~m.tiia
""'-
~and

.
~nlin.uec/.todi~il.AI""'~"~($~1I"~'"
'n.eetl 'Wanting "'c:omply
~ ~jell~.reteiVWb!~~~J!lill~.~.
wi\!1het wis1\e$ II
tliem--lter"Pl'j)vaI \!Ias."",.ys.t!>lIpt.~rin,*.t!Itd.
~. "',..hel
be-. .

: . .
fII'"""a1iIY'",,,~C ~ ' ',... .. '
"
';'\'

.'
,k',..

.,
,
 . '.
, .

. .'
",..
Ch~fIfMIG1tdt_Cltild£pS'Gf~
;'
167 'I ,
'. .
WithdrawingJiomMhe! peopl.
,
I

t~'ha!d~F JI!id h~.t

I

W~jnt~\II"~$~d~ >!
M~ingi\eJllaa:.s.fpl$lO&~' ' 1

Co~jng sire. "Y iIciiiI.~!ful

,'.
'" . ".,', .
s~ peopl. oo'lilntOl'1y4Cs\IC.th. "
saui~foo&;-~Ii' ~~.\ .
.cu$tU(l.<I! c\lickeR.~tllat"",adaptt4to .'Nb~ .~..'~.
.siQkq c\IjIII!~Thelr,Litt1e'''~~ma)'~<?f~",.r~,~
RI~~~. andtl\t:ymay.atthem,
.v.n tilO"gh
theltNIi~. .

. .CjliIoI.mayw.ntoI\lYwe qeaman\ijanl>[91,
"""
'\'(.,
When peoplem: tiled,th.lr NaturalCl1ild may w'&I\IiO~~;
,\ doaothl"g. !boil.r A,<lapt~Chlldm'y;.not dare giv~}n to,~"$IO\'
.
..f~.\inv.-~~1Y ifgCXIdRessis equated w~h k'~iR'8'1!~.~>,
," , sttll.tl1...nnelQC>'n1liot tlte Litll. PI<lf.~t,mayr'8u!CO'Ut!l'1-"''!

.
g.l'\»: WI~I\ a. ~l!Iltap" .'. '.. . .. ,.,.,...,.....
.' ~.np.Ople 'arew~,'theiP '
Natulal CI1i1d~f~,1'!.~'{
'somethitigtg$~OIl: a~etl.,a,piec<iofg\!mwc.mdy;i('lltinL.
.

Their A~aptedChifd\1l,aypro~stlpate and nO!facetht~~'

01,inay.expc~o~en Ii>s6lyeit. If theil,Lit~~'P(gf.SSI1t
~'~"
. 'the,ac:1,lbeill<Dvid\1als
m~ycOllieup.witb., c!Cativet(lltjti~!lIr.'
mayca\lon ~fortt) .rmagic'IQ 't!akth. P(gbl~~'~
!,beneeopk,are badly. hUrl. th.II"l'4a~al C"iJd~~~ >"" .."......
screaltl,.~y;and demand ~kre, TI1~'"Adapted 9i1d:~
dr.w.)nS1l~itl a8ony, .sp~...nr if ~le.m.d
\VI").
111chi\d!t9MlIt1!t)
iN
erying brought splI!'\king,:r~1t 1,I1tieProfessor m.yr,ute~:
thatlookin~ p3lhetic.results in tI~S ~ing m.t or I&t.ltii(iItJ~, ,
. injurpvoid$ th~ trjp IQthe doclor' Ji.yery persOnlias hi1l?t~.
.
owftlndMdual..~ M.ny 1I11uat,ORS, SUcb~,. p"~y.alit$l,-,..
a day 911;a. vacatiOlI,"sudden' \Vindnil~...r6motlQh.flr.~r.
:.tir#.~v8;IC'i!li:.'(;IIi\d~II!'&t"t~ !..?". '.' 0':' '.'. .:';
': . f.'o.~ ex all\pl~. al P.n ya persoII'.SAdaPled,e,bud -tn '1, fllol . iii :
21......
. ..

.' .. . . .
.fir. ut\li\\ed,an4
"
. .. m.r~i!l4l1~or
"'
. . . s/t.ih.dn'come..
. T~lIipi:.~I.
. .. . ..
'r<lf...btdiscovmth.lalwltO! knQcltso!Jttli. Itthl~8~t,f.
"

,and tile "er5QnbeComes Itss s\ly,Continueddtinltin8 alSQI<qiJCks ",

OtI!the Adull, l~¥it\glhe .,.rsonahlle ft1~iB'Qf die Ul\guitt'ileQ.".
. Child-Having 1000i"n~rcontrol,th.penciitmay e~~p«,>'
diCtable bebaviorf\Imi."Yl'art of th.. Chi14 .go Slate anlhna)'
tigbt; ,sw.ar,' sin~ dancic, insult I,," hostes$, 'or bec:oDU: "m0T<>\is.

"
"

, ,

.
.
.1,.
. .',', "C" "":" ",:.':
f!"S!)
;.\ad_typt> fo~e~_ssing ','

1'!cein {<qat of.lhe '-' ,1cOuldjUSl

&pit~ yo",,(..,..,, . " '

, ,. , ,

,
,
AlthOughcenaiiuillnUons ull l m,8cIion.ieadto_ctiv_klhe
ChiI4;lh'e,. Child d~Ii'I"'ve
. ,',lo,be CXptes$ed.,
','., MUY people funo.
'. .'
 CII_ ,,.. Clll/dEp SIltU 169
lion WtJI from their Adult ego state In spite of the internal replay
of their Child ntemory tapes.

,~.,
,,"/ ' . .
"~veryo!.e ~... IniernaI tittle boy or liuleg!rl. when you 116Wact
and feel as you did in ~
'

~,~ in yoilrCiu1d e$"~tale'l

,
The Natur&I<::hiIdfee1s~and ~ wb&the or sh~ .w_t'1 .
110.Wt.en)'O!l.re ~. ex~ afTectioaate,p1&yful;
~1\iSh..,
or stan dingupr.
or you
ill' owurightS, you ,.,.,a!"'very .Iik~l
.
y.ex.; .
~ng"'"
. your
. Na\Wll1
. <::hiId.
. ' '. . ,'.' .' .,
. .. .

The .J.ittle ProfC$lOr is thumart tittleJdd Qlcach PersoJl. W\ieII

Y'1Uare feetinSlntuilive, exp.riencitlga DlODICQt'1f plus,~at. ,
in!,f'" the fononl, Or .nanjP ti!IgsOmeoneelse to gelwllatyou',
. want,yourJ.ittle .Jlrofessor is involved,.
.. '
',; '...
I" .
The ~ted Child is the traIned c/rildJ"ho deve. sodaI
a.wareness ~U\ rometimcs feels verynot.O~. When >'0" bO!!,
"'"
. l1OIIrteQ1js,coJl\pUan.t,avoidU\A coiJ(ron\lllion, pro'a'astin,~or '
feeling not.OK, YOll""'\iltt:fy \0 be, ~xpre.s.ng ybutAdaptOd
'ChiId. . .
". .'
. the Child egostatebOcom"; ai:tiveifsomeonCelse«>ln~~';
tikeapateJU:ltmayalsobeacti"ateddurillgtimcsofC\o!~~,
"
such as.when DUetinic:l<, or whc:re 11Im is fun lobe had, roc\\8$aI
'apatty~ , ",'" .'.,'",,<
",~"
Child Is thet fqllndatiOjlof PCtrsou~s SCtlf4mage,Your(eeJ,.
'"'*of""i\lll.a..winnu or aJQSCtt a
'

lags \ilteiy to stem fromyoW'CIli1d "

, .
etg'1sta(e. ," "'" '

>,
. EXP1i!Jf.1JIIE'Im! AND IOO!:IWISBS
,
'.
,.. .
,
.

hoplethave dilTCttCtDtkvdsq(tetall1.oo.>t theirdilldhood.So\net

, tCcalI a great dea\, a fCtWfmd It dlmC1iltto remember anytltint If. ".' .

Y'1IIdesire to stimlllateRC:a!l.to .wxpCnet_ <:\IiIdhpodfeetlings;,.,;

andt~ ~"'er data~bO\It your Child ego$\a!6. s,ettasjde limetfor>';.
"'etfQllowmgCtJt~Dleota and~x~ S'1IIIe~glv~ y",:,'cmf'" ' ,)
liona\, as well as mtellCtClual;
jilsight..
with lJnexpaDSioJI ~"
..' I
,_£\I1QlionaI Insight 00_ of awlitOlI~.Iti$ I
thatltloment of SCtlf-discoverywhCtDthetperson~Iys."ahah.':' Petls . I
dCtSeribes'the ahah .cxp"rieneteas ,~ei1ever sometthing clicks. I
falls Into Pl~;. each li!1leagestalt clOSets,there Is .this'Ahald' ' j'
I
I
 .. .,4

.
17~'. BQRN'TQ,.WJN.. . ..
cljck; t~ ~bock of recqghiiiQn'1IOj.rrileUigCnlinsighl<»mO'Witli.
\IIeig~th.ril18
of ?~t~; I.ti~.a Ihinkiil§.pr~SS;Q~n anB!Y/!caI.in
.
wh.chlh. person often concludcs; Strrhar~the wapn.!"

.
' 1. Y0111"CbUdbood >
~ .

,
-'. ,,'\' '.,-.'
"', -'>', ,: -~,'
:'-,~::" -- .." -~'/'-,

CI9'C)'Oui 'Iina8iJlOyqpnellllaCk fn' the ~h9me)'Ou

eyes.
_ remember.LeI theplct\!fel boa.'1, illcib. what
.
)"hIthini: gIrt~ ".,.~. lust W/1"~. ...IIt
.

\. ":,-:.,/t'.,.:'"',,,,,- ",: ,;'.i' -,."f,_',

""""-,, ':,' ','0-" ,","._,"'''', ':',".:.

· What do.y<>IIaCl\lally see?' Poopl.? F'w:IUtwe? btIscr, oijeCIt?

.'. ~QOk'aioltnl!l~e' ~fo~ d.~-C<!l~rs, _bapo, ~.
, tion~; doors, lIdows. etc:: ,", .
'. ,
'
'
eN.XI,lry 10 rc;..xp.ri..nca
your OiF"lieDSes in, reladQl1lQ,thJs
, ' "
:bom.. .' '.' .
,. '.'
.. What do you heat'! SlIIcIl?Tuto? T~,",h7 " ". .

.~Qtjce~lIIoiiC!l1s aa Y9:U~.xPeri~tbCPast:,
. Now l1.oom. aware of Ih~ peopk who arethete in you,:dil!d.
h\104 bo,me. . ' " "o.
':"

.
'.Look
.'
; IIItheir, f_.
'.
How lirethey.iii
..
,,"

acting?How M,they iRIer.Clwilltr~u?,'

ge.slur<\~posture.. c1\Jtbes,
,"'..' 'i'"
,-'"
, ..
'.

,What kind of dnlmais ping on? 'A Co';"'dy? F.arce? ~.

dy'!,S.ga?
Wltal? ," ... ,"':
. What rolea ,are biing' played? Wlto ~e lhe Vit1ims, RftC1IC\'I;
fersecutors? What are your rol.. In Ihe drama?:
. I

I.tmay ~k"'YC)Umo!", than ,~n. visit to rcciOve~ the mCl1\orie'- of'

your childhood h~., You h!ay.alao bave mo,.., tIian ORehome.
!
10 viail
l' ..

..,"~ J;.
, ,',; ," ..:. "._: , '...,~,. .. _'.. ,'.. ':"": ',. ..
',', '._
I, o.t 1a TOuchWitla¥0\1&t'
~'. " ' ',
I
,',
. .' <. .., ,':,,':'- "',:<'.. ,-.'<.:",,'..' .."," \"" ",.',':.;,','
. O~ OO!!Your family albilDlor ally}iCtllre of yo;' as a',driIIi"
'c, SI»d)'I\!'
, picture. slowly.
.. ..
Let'YGut iiIem\Ji!cs._erp~' .
~".- ,. .."
. Werr, ,

.. ,_," these happy dmes? Sad dnies?serious

',"\':, .co"
.. ',
" .. -: .. "," ' .: ..
limcs?
..,.."..

i' .i". '_,",' ,- .r" .

" .
 . . "., ,.', .

, . . CltiItlltoOd C/JIIdE,. ~I.' 171

"""'1M

.
'. .What'was.going on in your \it~then? '
Compare yourself asan~lnt,
. Wllatdo you_ inth
a tDddJef.a ~I
pictum thai you_.in yo..,.1f
~bi\d.

now? ' .' '. ".,' ... '.

'.' , .

~DCI
""'see an~ inthcpict.jm I tyou wouldlit~ib.~
.
bI~"""',/ '.
'.'
,~;.~ve~~~~~~:.~~=:~.,
'1ioocI.hawlt.Qet&!1q~1ed. .'. '".;
.i.isttnlO lIIohurts,'.ppinessiS,
..
ancilonp"S*ofyour ~.
. C,fuld.' :.'.. .' , . .' ..'
',"
'.
. · W I doonbis' d1ildboliove ~boul itself? . . .
,~."
',. : , .'.. '.c':'. ';:.i ..: ,,', '. .::,.:.::.,', ~',;''-/
'.:' .',
· Slick 'f(itb IbiSunlil you loam "'lIIo1bhigbi'and noWa\1olll. '
'.' ' " ,':"""""'.!..' ,'.
, ,
'.r .",unalf ... achiW. .' ",

8,"'"
d
CW'" '. ioU,Now .
!.. .:." ,
:" .','.
try ti>disc:ov~wh_~tIy.lOCIiv"" your ' "",' '

, ~
IIogin. .boa>lIri1IJaware of how Y'!Uaet; .
~Wl1or, lindof stross,sick;,Hred. 'disappoblted.
.Wbm 110III. ..
~'coD1e.on"aronl;~ioyou.
~
',.,
. When tbeChiid in anot\.oi porsoli.p""vok~or
.'
.". '

Child in you, .',

.
"
,,...
.~~ y~1Igum a,J'O!'tY: .
.. . Whouy.0UWlnt
.' ," .\- ",".'.". -'
so\n"thitig ftom si!1II"pno~,
.'
,
1\4""1,i!Xt~disOoVcr ifY~u ...~0~'p~~1'11 of~~mflli~'!;;":IId.
UuoppJOO~ly. ",
,
.'.
,',
.'
'.'
.i>o you do. or..y ihillg. tliat .011Cilt'roW1\sl)io'ridicuif;~~' .'
i
.()thersJ '. ',':,", ;':;;
,_ . ,'.,
'":,', ". ;'."
i -:',-, ,,',") :~.. \. ',j;
,' ..' ?~
.' . ..,'
.1)0 Y"'Jdo oisay thill8f tturli.,peopl" otror .omba4ass. "
.. .',
. Ib"III', ", ,,', .' ~ .
. /'
.Aroi\lOrc~Ii.~,tbityou h~bitual1Y':C"pQi1dlOl'i:o\i1,
your Child egu~~:tr~.w"y? WhenyoutranSjlCt...ith
'<.
\
 172 BORN TO WIN
,
them; how do you feel and how do yoOOOl?What responsihil;
ity do, you take forljle, nMure of the tran$aCtion?'
,
,

.
If yqu d!scover inappropriate Child beh.vior pattern$, expl!,re
,
a\larnallye ways )'I>ucould aCt. "

;
'4. Fantasy , A""""n_'
. . ..
I' "
!\ieXl time you ''1~ne out" fromwhat'sgoingon around you. be
."
co,meaware,(jfwh"t's, going on inside'yot!. '
'
'

.. Are you.~ia fantasy trip to a special plaW'{. '

.. Talking to a special per$On?De~ating?
, SeduCing?Pleading1
,
Fighting? . '

.. R~hearsing for a IjJtur" event?,

\
. Playing a ~uperm~n or Superwomanrole or oljlerwiS!'engag-
. ing in wishful thinking? .
.
'.
..
C~ you identify whicf{partofyo~r Child, ego~ta~, ia f~t...
, .
S}'lng? ,~, -'
. Wha/happensto
tasying? "., ,.". -.
.,
.'
your ab\lity to hoar othetS wbell you are fan..

lI.t_
..
\.
Chll<lhoodMaptat1ona
.
,

,. Think hack to themethoil"':'verbal and ti"nverbal~thatw"re

used to tmin you. Try to compare what you WQ1lledto do (i:o..
.climb on Daddy's tap. stay up,lat<;. play oulSide ,with tile kids)
'1'i1h what you had to <1<1
(i:e,. act~toic. go'lObed .early;
, do, your
choreS before playing). ,'. .
- ..
Wl\at .wol'ds,loob,elc., were used to keeJjyou in,lino? .
.. What wordS, looks,~to..wereusCdto (lnco\itap, you7
. { ,
.
".
".',
'
.Whallimitalioit. Wera sal on y~"r aciMties?'
: . ';
"['"
.
, " .Were~ rationalandhecess.."Orwerethey.u.ma~ly "

,,"
. inhibiting? ", ". .
'
,!:"owselecta specific iilcidenl!m" in your imagination re-expe-
'rience it.' ." .

j ,
 , ChlldhQod "lid :~e CAlM £IQ, Stall 173
.
. See again wh~ was.there.
. Hear whal was said.
., Fee!again.wh@1 you fe!llhen.

Now ask YOllrse!f:

.
. When do you fee!.this way n01N'l
.
,
. Do you IICIloward5Qtne9nee\8e nf!ll'III ~ur;part"" allied '1
to1Nardyou Ihen?' .-, . . .
.'; . !

..
~h,al were your "allernsof il.daptalionlo'Pmntal
Did you comply? When? .
Did you ~ithdra1N'l When?
'.
dimands?
.,
. .
i', .',
. Did you procrastiljale? When and j.ol>t
Was one ofthese beliavior pa,tterns mote predOlitinanUIwI
I', '
~.
.'.
. .
the,-oth'en'! :'" .
. .,,"'"
,
. J{owdo you:..ethes..patterns operating in your
' life. drama
,
now? r ",

'Hllw app~prial" are. yo!,r~hildhood a:daptatiOl)$ ~',your Gte

..
noW'?, WhIch adaplallons dul you ,learn ilial remaIn:
-,' '.. ~ .
. "
.'
.-',
.
~ J{cIRful to ~o\l?
. Conf~sing \0 you?
"

..Inhi)liling of your poienlia!?

.

De.iructi-:' of you cr of others? I

, ,
, ~, I
' ,"

If you have .discoveredadaptive patlerns .thal .nOWbinder ~II.

~"
' "
. " ' "

Ihink of oppo$lre .\!ahavior. ,'.., '.

.'
· If you u.uallY cc!lItply wilhpeop,.'.demancll. ~halWOIII41!
he like if you re!\load? i
'., ",.
,_',

. fryou freq\le~tiy wllhdraw froml)then,

~'"
"', '",","',
whal wotdd il I1o.Wie "
"

,'
. if yOUgol involved viith',them?
IfproCl1Utinalion i. YOUrsly!e, what would il be likclfyO\l
slopped .talling and made 5Qmenlpld _iOlll?.
'.

.
 114 BORNTO WIN
When you thought about opposite behavior, was an old Parent
memory ta.pe activated inside your head?
. !fsa,
,

"

',Sil
, . p"'y t"~ word&,back again, Then say the words outloud
Whalmeml'ry lapes 'ill your Child.do the word& activate?
ina chair.lmasine,y6w
P""OQlsiuui!opp.Jsi~you. Use
dt,e.w,ords you beard 10 ~
your dialogue. ,
. NeJd,~yOl!f "'-'I}'ou'ro goin~ to experil)lenl with difTer.
ent bebavior,bljl that you arellot goillglo do ything de-
s~~ either I..,yourself 0',"1 anyollCCIse~

0
Your AdaptCd Child frequcmlly !likes liD I!I!der-do! position.'
, , your Parenl ego'sta.te frequentlY lakes the top-dog position,
,The.. may, repre lpI.)les in your l\Ctsl>Dalitr- };Doven!".
manditig Parelll may .be Olle..pole; the'
, balky, compli8l!I, or
. withdraWli Child the <lther. ,"'
,,,'C8I!y.;u lIdmillo 8I!1 Iop-dogiuul/or-ullder;dog positi~
. , '
0
I wi\hin }ioI\rself! ", .'
.. Can you relate th~ ,10your Parenl d Child egl.)~?
, .
\ . ",

AI\erYou have cJUjlied -polarities within yourself, Jety<!ur IW4J 0

. liSlSreprcsent 1h~ poiar\ties; Qe<;i.dewlUd>natyli!l ~I
0
.
.YOur
"'
P"doSposiUoo, which will.represent your 'under-\!08-
.,

.
Let yoUr tWolisb.,laIt 10each other.
, ,' , o'
. . ,I>oesCIllowill over theothct'lls
"

\his th~ beSt ..ayf()r~."'end?

, If IICJI,a\1aJllpt a...mpromise or ieoo}scii;a:tioll 0.1II<e
. , . ~".
ru:an '
's1al!d against lbe oppOsition. .'

'

, This..,eotis rei<,;person"'110,1,,,(& ~~~

mo!lllSnther ..lIr-'i... di~ d~~
It<Iri,fJI!IIIC..-y
to..tItiI!g.'*~"""''!¥';' '. '
IftIDs"'ppcAediOy&.,uk~: .',

~H-._ti)e pi'n~~ WmyouaII01V~'

." ".',

to 1a!k Iibout it? ',.'. "

. .
o. Vi.hal yow- q tiollJ;
. ;,
. '. H"';' , .i.e... d. ordeall
..
willi?,

. '. ., " .

. .. .
 -,
I
ClllfJlroodani Ih, Cltlld Ego Sf., l1S,
. Did you biamnomCj'nefor Ihe absence of \he patinl? ' "

. If Ihe parenl came back from lime 10time, were you happy'!
. .
Confused? Resenlful? Whal?
.
.
' '.
~Did Ihings
.
~hanae when Ihe parenl
..
returned?
... ',' .
Nowuse Ihe ohairlechnique. Tell \he parent hOWyou relt~ul .
beina left. Allow \he pjlrenllO talk ,back 10 you. 'Express your
feelings. .Wh~I\.iI,feefui&hl, try foraivin& your parent.
Tltls ..periment is rota person wllo as a child tOSIapareJlI by
dea\h.Do it when yo" feelstr6nJ. a~,"(!oWtl." LeIYoiIQalfre.. (
e"'p~ence 'as mIlCh as y~u cin toIerale.' You may want 10 do
Ihis al intervals' and in small doses. ' : .
In your,-imagination 80 back to \he day YOt,,~p&rel\t ,c\ieli. '
.
. Who .old you? Whal did you do?
.. How did you fe~l? Sad? Mad?De~rted1
Whal,did ",ther \)eOpieCioin,d say?
,

. >-

'., "
"
N6w,imagiJle t~ p~nl \.rlhec!l~ opPo.ite You.Tell him 'or '

her,what'happened 10 )'I1Ual thai lime aJldhow,you,fel:t a~t .

. it. ljapress yo~ faeli1\8l. .

'.
,
"
\ ",
. After you f.eel you'veexp~ssed
"
', -,'
everymmg.you neea,1O
'. '. .:"

"

(wbic!ll\lay ~"~IMsaiODI),aaY"Ooodbye.~;,
'

7. Your Ltttl'; Prore8.0r

How accurate, is )'our intuilion~yo1lr ability to tUlle ill 1OI\6n'

',verbal messagesOrplay your huilcbes? . .','
r _', ,I

several people! in ,different aiitlal\CillSwtIo, WOUld ~

" .' '. '. ,'.

.
.Select "
'

rdllil'lglO give you hOnestf.eed,backOll~lrtl!oul\lltl!l4

f.eeUngs.Thoy'~y be alyour d'DI\OtJable;m yourel,t fI9OI~
on ypuro.~e'$laff,ete, liI~1Ide..JIeoII!e._djfhit '"'
,bffire!tt 1ftse.. ~; tlll'e, e\Q., , .
. . -
. ". .

. As~)'01ItIOlf,''W~tis that penoIIfeeling about 1110 ortlle~

, ilalion? Thinltint a, hout me,(thuituatlon)'l'" : : ' ,
I . ..
'lm\Oedi~ly clu;ck ' With the ntJIer person 10...if...hat~ou
intuit is .I:c>rrect/. . .'
. I'., . . .
' .
,

'., '
 176 IIOIlN TO WIN
. HOWacCIIratc is your
,
intUition? M jou correct !!lost on~e
,

.ti!!le? Sotne of the tiine?.. Se14ont?' "

I
.0., you "re8d" SO!IIekiu~ of people ell$iertllau others?
Rmew yourcreativeuess. '

"

o~~~~p~~fi:,>;o~~O:~J~:o~=~
,

~. reIatioDSbips?'
oeanyouu ,trace your <reativeness or lfekofareativeuesstoal>.y '
.,. '
.
~eveulor~?
, , ,
," ,,',

~DoJOUbave !!Ie~tapes thai give you~gintft.r en-

courll8ing messages in refercaC>eto your creativity?
oIly.;.. find you Iack.~ve ex.pressiVenesS,1t)'doing some:
lhing a new way this week. '
"
"
'

,Recall your lDaniJlulaliveskills. ,

'
0
Wbal~.l'! U dolo get W!IAI you ""anled? ACt si~? <>bCy'1
_ Turnye ,
,
dwm?SuIk? Throw ataptrum?Wbat?,
,
,
,
,
-WhQm did you I!lanipula~ essi/y?
' ' I ,"",

~ Was there 'lIDyoneYOIi rell unable 10 SW,ay? "

. - .'

,
o Now think of ihe people you !U'IIcurrently inVolved with. '

How do, you think you manipUlate !hem? Irpossible. ask

them wb,al you do., ,
Do you mnember wbat secmed IlU\gicallO you as~ C/1it'd?
o Seeing sometIiing appear or disap~, '

o Peeling likc a giant or like' adwarfiw:roultdCd by giants?

o Believing someone or,SD.II!~g wo,¥ ~yoil? ,
oW~~orcarrylngalllCkydwm?, ,-'
HowdQeS ~ WryC1YCS',mto)'<lUr,adulIIi~
. ,," ,', : '..( ..c .
Are you sti1lwautinglO be
.
'0 '" ~, '

po yo!istilI mmetimes reetlikc a:dw.n- or a IID!bing?

o DoyoUa>unl Q8 thc"maSic" of your smile; Yr "'tOuch? The
Way you speak? YOur gestUr8J?, ,
. .' 1 '",
"
 Cltildltood "¥while 'CIriM Ep SIBle 1,77
.
Do some people.aroundyou nOW seem 10 have a masical quali-
.
ty? "

. ISlhere anyone in your liCe wbo seems like a witch? An ogre?

.
A fairy godmothet?A wizard? ,
..
o Do they.have any' similarities 10 p,ople myour pasli
o ArC they 'c:llaracter$ ,in yoursc:ript'l
.'-

.S.You.. . N~ ChUd
.,
, You max be ODeof IhoIIOmalty people who have losl some of
their childlike ~bilitylO sense die world in their own uliique
w4}i.This experimenl wiD ble you 10 ~ inlouch with your
senses more fully. . '

00010 aplace wbere you feel c:oinrotlable, preferahly

outside.
.Poeus your eyes on an object ~ ifY\UI've nem seen il before.
,
Become aware,orits size,shape,col9<,texlure, elC..Nowlei il
fade a~ay and 8Ik>wthe bactgroundJO colne inlO focus. It...
.

poal this with other objects. . . ,

' '.

o Nexi. focus YOUTallenlion onii';"ning io SOmething;"'tside

. oCyou. Whal sound~ are CODSlaDt'I Whal are iDlemtitlent? Be
.aware of, the in\ODSityand pitch. '
"
. .
o Next,foeu. on "';y_ Whel1YaUdiStend your'uostrib and
inhale, what
, ,
smells arc you aw:a:re.oft,
,
' \,

.Next. focu$ on.the taSlein your mouth. Whalisitlike? 'Run

. your lOngue ov~ your leeth. What do...youfeel?

NeXl,focus on \be surf
.
ofy.,urskin. Do you feel warm,
cold, pIIln?shin YClurfocus 10diffel'enl parts of YO!lrbody,.
" ",
\..

moving frolit Ihe lop of your bead 10 your loes. ,

'.Repeanhe
,

"
experimenl abe>..ey~{day (or a:/I!w minutes.
Lels~ aw~essl!eeotitea habiL
" "

What did' you reaDy enjoy; doing in your early childhood?

Choose somethillg that's all righl 10 do 1>01thai you l1aven'l
.done for a long time. Try il agaib. . .

tolfY9u1iked 10 lie, on yOur back anA m~e pictures out oClhe.

"', "". .

\
 171 BORN TO WIN
a
cloudl, ,taJie.some litlie to fiad spot where you can lie on
'

your back again' and watch the clouds.' "

. If you liked to take. off your shoes and wAlk in the mud or run
through the wetland Or kick your way through the autumn
, leara, why not ,do it again It the first opportunity!,
"
.~ettbel~n shine on younkin
. andwncentraceon thefeelings
it pves your body. ,,"
"
-. Find a u.e youean climb and $ii there a while, '
. Fly ak!", 'Take a hike. Suck. popsicl..
. Like a child, have 'full. Enjoy yourself. 'YingefsdO.

" ,

,
"
., I

\
 .
'7 !

Pe1"SQnal and SeXUal

Identity .'
We s#/lnot cealefwm ixplortlf4>n, ,
And th,een4 of all /JNtt)Cpl!)ring
,
Wilt be 10 arrive where we:S/(/Tted
And kriow Ike plm:e fot the fin/time, '

T. S.'li,liot
,
,
. .
,
.
Everyone eXpjOnencesn8lufJ! int pu~
.,"

"psychs<)ut" how 10 111..."

" ' "

;ogethe worfd, and adapts in ..roque _y., Every""'., n0lllatter

, ,

how old; how sophi$ticated. or how we'! educated, acts.t limes,

f~ti> the ,Child ego Slate, The Child egpstat. contaillS a penoJi's'
,
fits~$enseofid.ntity. life script, games played, life positiOt1$,and ,
winning arid losing streak,!-all ofWbich are likely to be reinfolOed
by,the'Pareritel!o~e, If the P..,.,nt is sayin., in~<mally,"Why /lid
you'have lObe bom?" the Child ego suite ;, m,,,,) to'hol4llieposi
tioP.'~rm'no good!'or "ldon't,dCservcto liVe."
. :
-~ ",

NAMES ANIHDENTITY" , ,

p.;.,.in" i
to 8 person's identity ,is his othet name. Evenlhough
this name should I1QtchaDge one's characler ,it oftellCI)Ulrlbutes
, or positively.becaulOof
,
:beth~~;n;: :t\t~c~l;~vely
Ona bitth cerliflCale.a boY'sname'could Riad J8"" William
Stone. However. he~lght lie, caIIe,li: '

JilD (by IIl'rleitd) ,, ,

JameS (by hi. fatl1tJ)

,
Jimm)':(hy ,hismotl1er when pleased)
J Will,,",, Stone (by his mother when disple8$ed)
,
. '1'19 ' '
 110 ,BORN TO WIN ,
"
Each of these variations on ihe boy~s name'rel1ects an emotional
feeling of the person using them. Each, ~ves tlte boy a dil'ferelll
message te>live up to. Each activates a different response in him,
Egber~ now ~ banker, relates, thaI at age sev.n h. d.cid.d to
. chanse his name 19BuU:h, TIIis exercise of hi. Littl. P)'Of.ssor sue-
ccssfiilly stopPed the other c:hildr.n frpm picking allIUm and calI-
ing him liJsy. Anoth.r, man riJiQrted that he had to d.f.ndhimself
oo.niinually becalllCl of his family 118meoff'rancis, Bertha,In at-
trac:tive houac~e,chail~her 118in. to MAria.bec8use of tile im-
ages of an elepbant that always came to 'mind wh.1\ sh1:h.ar!!lhe
. , Jl8IIIe,,BeI'\IIa. 'ome, peopl. indicate tbeir ,diililie for the \dentity
Iherr firft,l!ame holds for th.m by choosing to u~ the,it,middl., ,

n,ame or th.1r 'in(ti/IJs, " '

Many children labeted Jllnior 'Or the "Uf' assume tIIat tII.y
should follow,in Ih.idath.r's footsteps. Th. sam, can occur with
desianations sllch as "DIS" Bill and "Littl." Bill for a fath.r and
. son. In .ith.r case there is a ri;k the son will f..1 be can n.verJl\ea-
sUre to dad. COlISequendy, lie .!nds up feeling guilty or illa~-
"I'
quat. or il! some way not-OK. 11\addition, he may fc.llike a.car-
copy ~ath.r dian an origi1\al, confusinll bis own identitY with
~
his fathers. , ,
,

" '
Many-childr.n ,ari given 'ym bolic I!a",..,fromliteratllre, ta",i-
Iy genealogy, or history and are expected to,live up tothem.r"r
example,: dlildrCli with biblical names such as DaVId orSolOlll9n,
, Martha or Mary,may learn to idelltifywith, QrchOQSelO'
apt
,
ajiliMt, tile impli.d expectation.. ,., Solomon may ","m. h. Is
. wiscrtllaJllie ieany;s,'" Martlla ,may nt the implication that .
her int.reus,li. ' "in things of th. spirit."
in the kitch.n rath.r, thaI!

C... IJ1uatratlol! . -
, .
.. - , '-
I. ... _,.".
- ,"
Wh." the tw.lfth child was~rn to Philipa.n<l Sarap, Philip,
'a minist.r. opcn4CIhis Dible at random for a scriptur. v.rse to
help himseJec:t a proper Jl8me for his'lI.w SO<I,His, eyest;.U.
. 0"' the p..sage:"YOu shall caRbis name JOSII'.",Both parcnl$
,

"'ere inspir.d by thia,and Sarah'comm.ntedthat ,the child

!lad be~n born without pain. III,fear .thai ,their neiSllbo:3
would .Ihiltk\bemllnduly proud, the parents adapted the
name Jesu. to Jos.ph. He wu the family favorite andtreat.d
",a special chil<!that would <10gt t thinB"
 '1

181

Joe was thirty-three ""hen he and his wife enlered Iherapy.'

S~ was threatening to leave him and colIlplained, "He either
demands 10 be "ealed like a king or goes arounq the'house
"ling like a mal1)'r.:' Ono of Joo', favorite commonts ahoul
his jo!> 8$It probation officer wasthat
.,
he fell "nailed 10 tho
cr()Ss.". ' ','.'

.
.
. .
.
Fcireign-soundin$ names, II.;woU as symbolic name', ari often,
hurclensome. In bQth World Wats malt)' families with German .
names were persecuted . j'r rejocled. T!lroug/lout. history maliy "

JeWish families bavo suffored Ihe same falo. It is <:ommonfor 1'8111'

ilies with difficUlt fOreign n8mo' lo~orten or angliCize them as a
way offiltlng into A now cultural..ript. Howovor, indisOwnin$
their identity based'on traditions they often ond 01' wilb a seuse of
. rootlessnessand...ith a goneraliol) split between tI\ose oftbC "old~
OOlllttry and I/toseborri on new soil. .'
.'.'. .'
SU_nlCS lisually. (one« tI\~ fami\yh~tageandgivo.~",o..
c1ues:-pleaSan.t or unpleasanl,:",!, tho.cultur~ sCfiplin8 of aper-
son. SQmc people are so closely Idol\11Iledwiih thoU' {amily name
,thallbey usoka!mosl exclusively. ; .
.'
The imppr\allce ofa. family Damo diffors in various culturo..Jn .
Japan, Cpr.exam!>lo.:. . . .
. .
Tho primacy "fibe f.mily ""d its,umvali..&i:h thatif a """pte~'
adequato means have only adau&hte~, they will often adQpt tho .mllt oIi.
wishe,lQ mJrry ; He will then lake her f.mily's 11.""7 tfrn.. insuringit.SIIr ~
~wa1. This. ptactice,.
. calle~ "..,kolori, isaccepted.~ I!. tomt:l10,t1pt~~in.
,

.
Japan. In the event that a family h n onlydau&h~ whO.
P""I""'"''
marries a man. not free for" hi, own family ~880ns to chaDge: hisoame.1t
wilt sometimes adopt offICially' an adolt couple who' will then &$5urneits
nAll\c. This practic~ is often uS;e:d1Opreserve a~q continue'a-family t~e qr,.
busir Inboththeseprai:\lCes,
wocan*. theini of theJapanese
.
«",com.for
, the.fal11ily
, na\1io! (I).. .
'.' .','

T~adiliolullly; iI' b~.s j)een a. common Amorican practice fo'. _

woman. wtlenmalT)'ing, to drop Ihe use. o!ber,uma\11ea"d lake
.
. On thaI of. her husband; .SI'\1nisb cuI/urc.,' in. contr..~; add. Ibe
moth.r's!lulicien liainolo surn/l!lle." ~snizing bOth Un.. Cl'fde,
scent ib$~d or Ibe father's alone" [2t. .
.

'AI~ .practice similar 10 thaI used bY 11\0SpnnI.h ""!!S

oolnmollin Carly ~erl!ia,today'il i. infrequent, Consequenlty,
manymarriedw~lJIj;n-often withoul \ lbeir awaren-..Iose the
souse . identily assoCiateC\with their maiden name... As
,.. of Ihe early
.' '. . ',' '
 132 BORN TO WIN
.
one.woman reequnted, NOne day when home alone and bon;d, I
took out my <!OlIegephoto albums and turned the peges. I was
am azed at the dynamic yo ung WOman pictUred there~rece iving
Schojarships,
. . bethg poliucally
.
active, debating on. the team. This
.
WIM",., What happelle<!along the way?Did becoming Mn. Rob- .
_
,~rts ,make me ,a,difI"erenlperson?"
". . A"psy~hic symbiotic union". is a phrase of Eric Fromm's which
dl'SCiibes twogrownups living off each other much like ail unbo",
. Child)ivesoff its p~antlJ\other (3). Symbiotic attachment,
.$jIin"times sym bolized~y; use of 8S1!tDRme,.ean'lead 1O;\he neue
.fQtjc pattero of incorporation/identification. Thisattachmentean
<x:cur in marriage,. work rei8til>nshjps;even friendships. A$ An-
.
thony Storr. puts it:

Toincorporateanothet person'is tos\Vallow~hifn~p. td oveN,helm him.,

'!"idt~dCstroy hiin; and thus:to:trearhim ultiQ1atcly ~Jess than a"whole:
pe~SOII.1:o identify with !inotberperson is,to lose, oneself:, to submcfgt
onc"s own ide1ltity m tbat of,tltc ~th~r. tQ be ~erw~lmc" and ,hen~, 10
ITe.,""..elf ultinmtely...~ .thana wbolepet>OIl
(4).' .

Altbough botll given names and sumanies affee! tile .sensCQf'

identi\)' iulddestiny, nicknames, pet names, and be~ called
.
names have even ;Pore inf!.uenceon some' people. Thl!iO""!"e'
aiedescriptive .and may be idTectionate or demeaniljt. an~ Ihej,
o((ect either'ppitiveornegative. If nicknaJUes Sqipt ChUd{en \ln,
'. re,alistkaUy o.l ul!fairly, the effect Is alway. negative, dfsconnti!li
I .
\he penal!. . . .,
.
. . Some. nicknamesconj\lre upp~iciJ. images. ~atso~ Stri~8,
bellll, Frecld~,V enUS, IUon<fie,Piano-legs, ShOrbe,. Fisll-face,
and Dimples,all focus on appearanCe. ".' .
.
. Some nic(u!ames .imply behavioralcharaeteristics.. .Stupid,
$weetit!-pie, Monster, Knuckle-head, The Ood,.Angel. Red.the~'
Hothead, all give.a cltild'''permissiOl\'' 10 act ill specific .\tiays. .

C_~tiOD'
. .' .'
"Klciter'~ was IheIlickQa~'of. four-yearCOld\x>y.it!"'..'"
Biventohim \>yhis father, "11>0 bad had a.tronl! ft'ol!kick.s a
s~mmer on 8 colIegeteam and"""xQ\\dof'tlteslfe!IgdI in
hj. infant son's legs. He coJltinUalIycommenl.d,"He.'s a.reai
kicker." In nursery ~ool,Jhe boy frequently kjcked ,olher
 '. ,
, Pm-u iIIVI5#_ Id..rily 183 , '

children to get what'" wantediIQjIeven attacked the teacher.

When she med to ooiTect him he bragged, ~But I'm a real
kicker.t'taskmy cIa~." ,
" '

" In ',.'senselQcker was acting Ollt his niolu1ame,but in, an

aggressive wsY; 'not relaU\d i<>.tile ,original, construclive, "&0"4"
nieaning. tie was making life.misera~ for his f ,ily, fnendS;
and schOOlmalOs..1t1counseling. his parents became aware of tile
scrip.linlplicatllin. of his Dic:kname; They h&ll unintel.'rroQally
given him "permilSion"", aCtagmaiyely \()JVarOothen. Heli~
I$pteclhis sCript theme,to beeolM '~kicldng up a' f They C
,dropped the use of this nidrname and used only his given na~,
Alan. and,they asked ,others to do tile same. The child's be.haviQi"
'soon began to im~e; and, he. eyenlually. gave up' being The.
Kicker. ", "
S-ome children;" ate SUmlnone6or clwtlsedwith
"
clerolatoryq;i-
, thels. Thisnam~llUig; is a \'Icmus f<!nnotd~ling. ~~.
ehlldrenl\l"ealin",t totaUyi~red oJ are caUe(~l'Iey y~: ..~'"
"Kid." S(jmechildrenenter kindergarten wi,thQUteven'~
their name. ~cking a SODieof il!C!llity,such children f..I\II!~
or like a !\Othmg. ,,', .."" ,.' ',,<
When a name gives a \Chili! JmIII'",-\ry, pain. !'"'hapatheo,fjI
" ,
"jingle "Slicks andsto"~ean break my boaes,bu~namescanlle\rtl'
.
hur.t m~'is ltiS.thanlite Anawlian Pf!Wl'rI:ItJtat.,'~
,,
hd'n of ~sti~~jaway, but vle>rdS,hllrt forever."
,
IDENTI'l'YTBBOUj)BJlLAY

A name is onty one ofthell1ally ways by wbleb a child clevlll~ps'.'

seDie of self.idel\tity.l'\ay la a,no~r. I! is one o(the most natural.
" Play inlA>l~ physical or mental aclivity f9r the sake of diYel'Sjon,
amusement, and 8:"OWth.Playisa wld'a way of"tryingout~ W:e
aD4 ofdiK9veriltgherorhisw9rld. '.
",
','..
,
, Ol)eil; a child'a:ibijity to laugh..,d 10play &0hand in hand, A' '

personal~
'

1)f~1itymayinchlcle sUChloelings
~re.e"'e.
'SQbeoroe"~playt\1bi~ ,or ...it.Fbr better or for worse, a$rownul'
'exprosse.SQftleChild'upects..'. ., ,
. .. A chill' can ,play 8<#iveiy,leStingstret!fth aadakills, a.;tmg ou.t
em<!liol\S,'~," tUl11re ~~ Or, a .cbi1dcall be
p~sive, an obServei.r~!het than'an ~elivef!'rlicipant-i,nlife. Most
active play reqll~ thechilli'adirectbodlly'parlicipation, a .tes.- ",I
. .. ,
"
-- ----
 .

-- - "
 \86 .. BORN TO WIN
.
ingof "'1I$<1estrength and a. sllarJ>eitU!gof wits, Tl)is may be un.
.
s.ltuclured p!sy-an infant rol1iilg OJ'. the grass, a IQddlCr chasing a
mOth.a ehilcl~ci~ freeIy to 1I1USIC-O . .r it may bebighly SItUel-
ured,with
.
,
.. predete~d . rI!1~tb.
'
. . .
RquilupecillliZeaakjlls.and
. . . . .

some Ailufl program1\Ung. ." . '.'

If Ibe Na\11l'8lc;bikl enl!&~ iti ad!veplay, lAeroarelikely to be
giggles, laughler, and sbQuts of joy. If the Ailapted qIi1d iJ'
- Pl&Ying.be~ting an!!ppOnenl~ay \Ie more Import~lthait havi!'!'
. ; .
"fUn',"'-.". ''-'.:'
'"
~.~ l: '
,_:
'
. "- "", ,

. Si>me~vepiaY iaa roliearlafforfutureroles.Pla)inghQusc,

"You be the mom.lIlY;111be t!lti'di!d4y, ancl she'll be Ihebaby,"is .I
play"actillg fUlute .sexU31roles.PlJymgwlit g&lDeswithg09c1 guys
and 1?acJguysmaf be ca£lirigoultoles seen on televisionor in
mqyjes and~cticjng,ptrbAps, in line with f\lturo CXpe<1\atiCilS,
- Playing d9CIor, explorer. te~ber,ehemis~ carpenter, etc., i. often..
.thet It\le P\'deasorin'~ 'on;T1pring oulfu I~vocation.t .J><1SS1 ...
-. bilities.Ot,lt
.
.
maybe .!I\eAd'ilted
.
CJUidcopyiug'
. ~ts . or roo
. .
heaAlmg for roles assigned by pat;entCXp"ClatiOIla. In!>no family a
- bQy'who, was always v~ry activ.e in1»mpetitive.po\'Ii Is ftoW a ,.~.
coach. HIS brother, wllosc-favonlep",e was~cops and robbers,"
Is 00", a sherltt. Theirmtet; who...as always roady tog!> to their . .
'rescue with- Bane/-Aids, i. now:a nurse.. '. ' -'.
'rhe pt!SSiv~ehiidliveovi£ariouSlythroiip other people/.expo-,
riences, ofIenf...~ying ...IiaHt would be like to bea:~ctet~.
*e screenor a part of the team. AU'ebildre-.iCnjoy.~g specta"
, tors. However, -When mo.. of their froe ti!jieinvolves watobitlf I
.
-'theAl, they dO.OOIdevelop their o,..n body tki11s,Coo,lle\'lltiVe..
.comJl"tiiivenes." or crestivity.. Their iiall1hll' ex~lICSil. I.
.
. slUnllOd;'and they. ada\51trioobsel'Vint lif'rather man livin,j1.
A$ Inadl'dt, ibis pe~n is likely 19m around the fringe$ofaO>-
cialp~tl/lp. ...aldtingoihers9wim~ ds~, !sup. andhi\ve filii,
p"r~apsrosen~ ~ who are thOat!ention.getters, 01' simply
feeli~ i1elpless.al!'linadequate.. ,
.' " .
. . k pasSive:<>bsetyet.'!'iYseletflollllte 011a"job as an(l~~ .
, ".o~, F!",exam~'s~ a p"lIIbn...y ~IC ~!I!>"t~I~""
of $CClc!yb~! j>etotalf,. umnvoh:ed, may ""'1m .boul~ events .
I!Utncvar,SWe "JIJ11)'. /II.y _te "boi!.t.~mance \>!1~ge( I
close II) anyol!6, .. .'. .
'.. '..' .' "
Where a~ '.'
" 1'1a)'edd1Iri~eItiI4fI(Iod oI\Cnbasasm\lt!tSlI'
niliClin"e'iucluillife U1tow .he or he P!a.yed;On~ ~ilnwe kn~ '

ha",dCi\m,\iin.t., WO\iIdn'(jraV!ll,and evena~likedIOUl80Utfor III

evening.JJe
. said,
..
"rmjus! like I. used II) be. ~ aKid:rve, 110\'#
..
,
 . ,.,.."",""" $>xUQ/ldmI/Jy \&7 ,
.
been able to p!.OUlO[ I"y OWn bact y8rd to play:' In oonl1'ilst, '

",any~l1itdit'impi)SSible to play, \0 laugh, and \0 ""'<e fun

in their«n.J!l~ItOirtes. Usually, this. is bo;a ofoldA'arent tapes
th~1 di8\jo8t"S"ij sudl. acti\'ily ill their ..ildbood and thai continue
.
10 be. beaudby the
. Child ego stale.
'

' .'

'
"

.
.
"00 outside,the ho is n,?lloplay in." ,
"Beq~~ !I1otber!uIsa~."
"Ik qqie~you'l!'upsety~u-rfll'¥t."
'-"
. .

"leJon'l ,;,...t anynt~es indU$bclUsc."

! "No dancing in this ho~. If yo'll'rc going 10 may in-
si4c.,,,.watehTV," ".
. , ,:~,c
.'
,M~eclcOup1es, re~wioeriae IUJunClion "DoII't p""tinlilC,' .
JIouR,",...,. diIc:om-tIJeonly time they can really h-ftlit.iJ .
;/. '
wben lIteys<>"oul"/ , .'
.'
. ." i'.'
'Cont1ictortcneruJ'lS ill marriage ~one'pe~~jOy.~ .'
'. '.'
':;;~t.::':~":~=.::;y:~~:ti~~:wlfe'
.

in!l'rpt'eIed; "H~. doi!SJI'tlOve me or Ite'd spen~t the ti~~.,

WIthme. Why d~hea1...ap have tocle sudt)trenuoua~~
Another couple ",-",ays f0'1ghIO'<er!!,OW\O.~d Iboil' '<~IIi>II;-. '
.
. .
In childhood. dle~band IIIIdSQIie~gwith his fa,t!ier,fIoi:"...
. enjoyed lhe rugged O\Ildoors and e,<ery.yeilf'looked fQrw.nt
"". ".
SeitinS 10 the mountalnsduriJ4 hunl\llS ""8$Onlo dO,a "Utile
sI1ootjng."1f1S wife, bowO'<or, had spenl her childh<JO<ivacali<lM
at die beacl1, p1IIyiog in dI.sand and slU'f.NOWwhenit_efune .
to "play," she wanted to So \0 die bcach,and he "'allied \Ogoljl
lhe mountains:,~ accused Ibe odlor,"Youdon'l even c:ate
whOtberI"bave.~:~ !imeornQl", .
." ,'.'
Nomatltr WbaI=";~ did, one pat'lQei'wi\hclrcw ~
fully,andv..,..7~4r!f""" fwiAt'tertl..a,.m,t~
tiona!~»is~'''~ii.bIe\Ol\Ilder.tamrtbat their Ch.d~ .

"l4leswerei~~diti'ereatJy. tb&Multe8Q~
w.ere tIIeiIaf*. ~~'ffOttO)Utaaliifacto1')'t»'m.J1I'OIni*stI.thatihey
each @pIa ~~ witbO)ul the oilier's resentioSil TIIC)'aIac1eXpel:-
..::::~~::~=~~~lies1halnel-~
, .!iis 110IUJlCQnllDon
Inmarritgefor one person, fto,m,dloChi1d .
.
ep'late, 10~ oontinuaUyonslase as
"'"
perf01'n1er andf,,!"
~ ,

i,
-I
 188 BORN TO
WI':' ", .
the spouse to feel compelled 10be a passive observer. The center,
stage role may be, for example, that ora clown, a wi~ or a tragic.
queen, The audience, is expected to applaud or weep. Conflict
often emerges in a marriage if the, passive pattner wants a share of
the, spotlight. ": . . '

Some groWn-ups hllve lost the capacjty 10 play. The,child 01' a'
,person who cannoi play is likely 10feel guilty und... the'illnuen~
ofan internal Parent dialogue,such as "Playing is awaste of time,"
"YOU can't play,till aIl the wod< is done."."You<!On'tdeserv"'IO'
have, fun," Or "{dIe hands are lite devil'sworkshop." This kind of
, ,

-, person may pick ajobthatis al1work and no play. rfother workers

a~ cutMg up, this ,person'. Child may feeluncoiitfortable ",hile
the Pa~nt disapproves. "
,
'
Other a1iults find.it, easy taplay and laugh. Their Natural Child
, , laughs out of II sense of pleasure, often II "belly laugW'or a de-
lighted giggle. Their LitUe Professorlaughsit tlie humor or absur-
!iitYof a situation. Their Adapted Child laugha out qf neIVouSliess
..d politeneSs and at w"at they've been taught 10 laugh'at. Su""
people may Itave learned'IO,play'the'roie of a cloWllIO glOtatten-
tion and 10 make !>thers laugh. Or, they may hllvelearned to play
the c1bwn to I'Dver up a tragic' feeling ht ,.helr Adapte.. Child..,One
man expressed this when he said, "At a party I always play1herole
fo ,
of a JcwlShcomeclian. I'm gOO\iat making p~ple laugh. ~lIt '

solJletimes when they laugh at mo. I really hale !heir gu!li."'Th!s.,

man used his talent, to 'COllecthurt and angry feelings.
The person whocannotlaugh or bring la!>ghter to. othen,
whe\ll<!rat a~ seven or seventy, isprobablya""Pteil to fear the
potential iUIin\acy th~t sh.red laughter is likely to bring. Shared '

I laughter is also a way of being transparent, and some people al-

ways ha~e their guard up: "
.
CHn.oHOODPSYCHOLOGICAL'G~ AND
RO~ IQENTITY , ,

"

Nqi 4IIpray'~ InnQCent.Ul;Crior ~"tives areillvolved tlena

child rehea...$psyc\10Iogica1 .,.mes to be JUyed later iIIlil"e.A
fut!>re Rescuer may ba!tdage his unlllllfutg and com"laining ,
,
three-year-old patient. When the young ~eru finalb bun.. illto
tears, the would-be Rescuer, throWs.." h..hands iJi despair 11II\11.
"I'm just trying to make your hurts !1ttter, you crybaby;" (I'm
Only Trying I~ Help YQU)Another fU'ure. ReSC!1eris the young girl
I '. ' ' .
 '. Pt!NonGl:iznd
~*uti/ Idenlit! U9.
who while baby,sitli~g her linlt brother lets hi,rn: wander away.
Whet! he screal118in .terror al'ler climbing up a fen<:eandJaUing .
off, sbe picks him up, bruahet; him off with. "You .always hurt
yourselfif I'm notth~re'to take.care of you." (Whal Would r ou D.. :
WilhoriJMer). .,.. .
.'. .
"
AfUtll11;Perseeutcirmay "ilctidcnt!,Dy" ",ave a ~ycleonthe, .,'.
. sj:hoolgr()!1llds,la!lirc.atch. mend stealing it ,~-handod.. and_t
this,l"'!n~ tlJteaten" '1 sawjou, Vou'"e gonna, geIJnlrOuble!";
(/II.w I've (Jot to.,}!'"u S.O.B,) Mother type orfwu.e Perse\lOlOr
i~ the Jjft1e..giriwh.obltiUthe !\eighbor h!>ybyeallin&~tly1&
him; "Why 400'.tyou wme, j)verand>pl&y.withme?Wh.~~e,ar,
rives,sbe IQoks d~ hetl!.~ Id him andsIl.ets. .Qh;,Y01!'r~tQP'
.diriy, my mama ~on1d!1't""a"nrt. to pl.y,with yon.. '(Rapo) '.':
When !jttle JOhnny; ..tsopriCticing,,"er!iecutor !Qle; tt:U!lts
Jane with.:..Myda~1s bi~'" thanyaut dilddy."he's deli"erjn$
t!lefirst line Qf a I!ght,lfJanerotpondswil),;, "01\ no Iki:m'4,~y
daddyis big8"r;~l'he'g.me is .0n,Their ..ttaokldefense r;(!oti,,~es'
un,tilJ\>lniny.01J!\tuUi'/SJ>erandshe runs away,eryi"g, ((JprdI:W'
A.fUluteVi~il'l,jnvite4<to a P!lrtytl\athe'sal'rijdtOatlell.d,
may IUrnoown ~niltvitatjort with. "I oon.I' go if il werel1't:fOl' . I.
'I
m\>m,'Shenever!ets me have any fun:" (I!It¥'eren'tjfJr H~rj~,1
. oth.r fUlure-te~earsing Victim'whines to hi. w';uld'D"compl!tj~1
to "I can't run il1.lIIe'ae~. If!.run.too fasf,lmight 8"u~s(O.tI),
aChach~.ljkefl1y,Utllebr()ther," With thisltlovl'\1e ~\I~lI!!t .
'
use~.an ItI1agina')'.illoess t<'J~void "etf0r.mmg. (}VrJtJden£Ii"", I

",fteraU, what ~.yQ~ expe,r.of a person WIth;.wo<>ilen.leg!)~

slitl'a"olher )'Q~.o8Victim,..eingthatth. co<:>kiO$are neai-1y,~~i. ;
pas;"l the ttt ,aU to ~ friend'.,and,th en moans, "Tbere 1ItO"iiiWI' ' '.
any t!!>od.thlngs~fr for lIIe, . , (.p.or . Me).. ..'
, . ,,,
.
. . .

' .'
-Laterin,life,g<';l'!I<sare,likely to 'ber1ayedharder,.witl)~e
Adult ego.;Iat.e used .t9 cover ~p the Ulterlotmotives or~e C';h!id; ,

.
.
8EXu;,\tIJ>JOO:krt ,}
'.

':",:<':""'~::""":':""""'"
", ,'-., ,',"...",
,
,'.
In Id~iliorit<:> dtVe'()pin$~ ide",!i!}' as ap-e~;
every<>~eals;<>
devel<>",a sexuali4entiiy,Even a,sntosrebild,enlt."e.ba$jc '.
f~~IIS abpuft¥lI)selv.s a;being()K or n<:>",pl{~~erso1'. theY
alSQ,feelOK or o~t-O!< as.a perSon.of . pattJcu!at ..i($~ So",.
c~ildrendevelop:a sexu!il'i~tity t/1ai is healthy' an.IHealistN:':
..
. others do 'nor
'Although maleness
..
.'.
and
'.
fem.len~;s
.
..,ebiological
.. ;.. ,', fai'ri theac, .'
',,' ", ,"',"" ,' ,
"
!

J
 - 190 .. '>/!. . ~
. _ BORN 7~ WIN
..
~ptan~ or ~on ofon...e1f as eIthq-1IIIIcUIinO'orfeminJne .
. psyd>ologicaIJy . '-.
determined by fe.tinp .~atne4in
.
dUklhoocI.
From. ~momC11tof\>irth. .child whOkpl1'eDtSw~ a baby
of the opposite sex D1ayS'ut 0111OIIth~"""il8f(>ot(nOi-QK JDaW
~ale);AItIIou81..ml)lt.~I.-m 19~_Wy.pr,..,mt
nevwsetovetthl>il'~p~,w.t..f!II:~Jip'tht...~
1jI~ su~edisCoJln{of::..hal~~~\Johj. tc>1!(:
~~~
MlI1er~'.,./ ,.-
"':
.
.~_~~I~~~~~.~"'#J~
',"'te~bei~ ..y~"W. recI~.li!tlejjir
iUHI,!b",'y~*,-~II'C"'" '~qjl;l.'$IIe~
~l!IOddJall_r"'m,Mbn~Ward,...d'\'hen l!l'<!eldpc>iIii!!llt
iIIa'.1I!ere...!IO baby depart!Dai.liDIbeMil".y. W8111 ~;~
'_Id I14Y"'1'b!s'(8S ~.'.' " ". . ' '. .
I ..."er~ ; '-1It.t ~bI1tI pjIYOr IIi.e'! enoI/ft.llioew-
''''II,w'''~tmmI~ .81J(".~youjvstllae I&II>J;~'IRJ'~
W1>uld...y. dw.'Ubar~k> do.~ .'.tMY'~~"""."
'pi". pu",~bef~the my~. ~ ~ oi1mlbo.by~
<Iiaoatcr. ' ,

""unCl frlJl&ed willa pidJi,'1Iiid1itlle

Pil1kiJl1Y
~peeringbilothe~...IUI4&rib.sIyi
"""
.
"''''
"Wb.tiiQ~blelil/le.,
,

~ '.'
.(6 ...
.
.
.
.
.'. '. -...
' ' . '
I .,.-: " . .:', .
~""', - .,'~ . >. ,',
"""',
.
'Clijldren whose .1$ r~dbythdr~DtSarciii1:~iytO~-
)eet\lleifOWn s~ 'J1her.rilaytry.io Jive'upJothliit parents"~
.
.1AIIi000.:d~nII.tthe~"~!lfthl>il' ~~8Ifslic$ei~ i/ki!tifi'
. .Qn. A liltle gi!! WI\otric!.to be "daddy's littl. ~ may.u~.-
'iat.e a.r Datutt1.fl1DiJaht~ ~alitiea. A 1ittJe boj ,.]Ioll'ies \0 "".
. ''1!IoJi!we'slill1e gill" m.y~tehi8.._~ural~e !PIli!{".
Ii",. ~Ihough these mRuen... sddom1eadtollQrnO$txuabty or
les1iianism,they~. iD$(!",eeases. CQntribule\alleViatiOn;. .
o~ youl!ghomoSexual ~poned ~11!i8mother remindedbilb..
...V~ aI limes every day lb al he Ih OIl hI h.ave bee
... n
ap '~I.A ~1'Vid
c
.. mernc>ryJroml\i.cl!iIdhQOdi8~fbeing..JIk~,paSt
. . . . . .. .I\Qre,~~
. .. .

and lohi that if he were '~I!sI~.weCO!Jld buy_f'~'~

.- ..e$ ...An olherh~ . .sa. id.lbat .11111m.tI,ilnelie . ,felt .~ a
.

. ariwI$Wh~
.. . .. . . ".'.... . ... .. . . dh
he...II>te'''Pthemari)'plctQteshij_the1:~a . . Y<id'
"'
Cd'hi..~
. . ' ..a'lIIrf' and \eVilhc.Urlsi. .'\.
. as '... '-;i'.'
.

. H~""'X11ilbefui\iiilr.i:alt0ftudllpel)pteliH' a"j8riot'yO(rea-,
sonsi/whldiilg psyi;bo~I.8bd()l<!giatl;bIOIo~I,..,dSl~
liq.iatC:i~taft~es. The .bealww.iltdhoniokl<\1al' billaviOl' is
prob.b1yrela,led.iolheprimal (eelingsill Ihe Natural CJlildatldto .

Ihe lack of adequate hetefOSCxual adaptalioli. At birth,

. . .,'.,' infants
. are.
;~ > '. ..
1"

, .,...
'. p'
,
 . .
1.9~ lORN TO H'lN. .

. models of oolli.sexes. The current nuclear family, bowever, frt. ,

! quendy limits a child's adult Children wHit limited adult
"""\adS'
associations often turn \0 their.peen. tbr sex. standards or to th.
in,'" media, -where their models are Jjbly 10 be phony images of
m8ICUlinityand fem~ pr.>jcc:tedtor the purpose Ofsellli!&
The feefui81or beIn8 OK or not.OK,masculine or feminine, are
\f . .

most JIowc!rfuJIylnl1u~ by pareD'" expectationsand their

definitions of "mascQJine" and "feminine". beba\jjor. .
.
ff," iittle' Sirl '~..g rwm aWe is admOllishe!l.''That's not
feminine," or "WeSntiths never do such uttJal!yllke"f.bin~" slie
may'question \be faCtth&!she is rea"y a glrl:rfb~r&oisterousaCli-
vit)' ~not ~~r" \0 berparelltsjlnd she then adapts by
being pve~au~ or quiet, one tide.otber personality will be..
.
frasmented.or un4erdeveloJ?ed. . '. .
. Many wo~en strive ioappel!f sby,emotional,fragiJe,senti.
iIlenbll,belpless;and inteUeetuallyincompetent in otder to live up
IOfheir~ imaBeora ",ea:J~woman.or to appear''femjnine"
to.otb~18~ /.
. A\tbl)UgbAlneri~ cuUJUalscriptin,@
.
.
. .'
often caIIJ fordUWunt:
i~theJnteU~ and agmsion ofSIrls,.t enc:ouragesth..e aSpo:tl
. in ooys.1k>ys.remorelikeJy to ltave their feelin9.and teOdet 111>-
.tiOJlS.dil!C08nted.AIittJ. ~y, piay;ngC!JWooys aadfndians,.may
I
. )'(
." ,
cut his leg aiJd run \0 mo~ cryin~ ff be is lIIet with a stern,.
"
, . ge
" ' ',~
,'qu!et
..
:::~n~~
~,

boy,wbopref;n-iCaC!Jiij
m:nDJ
.::.e~~rea'if:an~l
and
.:. ~:ti~
8'-' ~..: :.~.'
~Jioo.mpCt1ffveactivlti.s \0
"~
{. " m~':.e_~wessive
. . . . .
. Iicti:~~~:
. . . .--we
. a negative.
. . '.

\. 'i60ut 1II.as.:ullmty w c can , "You .not Vln .up

'. ..';0 outtii:ji\iiiiiciesof1r1eat ~ 1 titsmay COntribute\Oa ~Pt
Jjjfiltllr"WTbo~; . . ,
.
Studies by Jourard p!>intto the danger of parental messages,
..6ith Jleny chil~n their honest rellCtions\0 pain or fear.-This'
.
.
denial, most ofteD'8Iven 10boys, may late\' Contribute t&the P!>Ot
health and prematUre deall! of-men wbl) feel \bey lIot men, ull-
""
leu tbey appeflt ~tougb, objec ti've: Striving, acbievinS. unsenti.
mCJIbllandc>1iotionaliyunex~e" (9).. . . .. .
. . "
.' ..'.
~.

. M~y boys bear, "{)Qlbare for 8irJs, an injun<;W>nwllicb "ften

frustrates the natural desire \0 re_ their emotional life drJmIa
\ISIn! dolis.assubstituIC ~ple, Many.girIs hear, ''Trucks are for
ooys,~ whjch(>ften frustrates thena\1lrlll desire. to shape and 11I1I-
nipulate objeCtS.This kind ofscriptmg pei-petuatestraditioDal
sexual '1)Iesin the AlneriCIIIIclllmre, where taking C'areof people .
. . ..
 .1
I

. ' ' .~
,
 ; .".'
. '" ~- ~::,:...'._-'_..".' , ,'-
':~-'~»'--~'-'" .-' ,.., '::~-- - ',., _:-',," ,
- '-- -~->~. "-
,
'"
,'1 ~iE.a;!!\:~Ini~:o!- ," ·
'
, "
i'K!:~JUtilft]~it~P
,''tt!11~t.i!1~n i. ,~~ 'f J~!!i~~t!lIJti~JJ\J!', "

'"
~.. <I. . ,
' S .
. 'nli i'tl 1 t fl~)'"'' "i: f4!f .
. lJi.. 1$tlytf il i!' ..
,
tit!' f . .J4fi~f,f
, t!;U!Dt~il! ~:'::,iti iitt 'tHn ij ~".
;,,'
iillil)t~lJ.il':~~~" 1tiJi, (1'- ,
. ,:t
., 0 .', ,?~,t~.!
.~1';fUJ11i: ,
,,'
~~:; ,
<~.";::';':':"i;'~'>' .,;1,.:-_,,; "

. ;
..",':' 'i]d~;,-j.<.- _,', - f .
-i . ~:.<' - .", "
.' . - " ".
--~~'-'--'-~~'-'
 .,

\..
 .'

. "'_1... So.nuI(
IIJiruIly 197
.:,rylobeih.oppositcse~~ ".

ind1llgC insa<lis\ii:o~lI1,IISUChisli"~xu4J bc~r witbother ~I

':. . . . '.'
.
ad\ill,s . .,
'j
'.'~P8eiJ!~~.IIII)~taUtm, I
~ ilnp<>tcnlor.!'rip.!. ,; 1
:\
.W...~p~e!ll.atIO~atIO.~..1CQ~fuotia,
.ttqly iIIdi",1ed.I:'rof~!,,- ~li"8 iaol'letl ~ lli Ins
le.!i1!l!5~'.., i;'}'" ',ii'
'.'

Ca.. .u tkJ. ,
'.
<. ,,', '...'..
",'.' ".:. .. "- '",.': "
Ted...d AInt~1\~e4CQuplein 1\T'¥P"C';;""",.~~
~,repi)rtcd d:lauhtyJelluidelyDkedliliCh~. ~ "

Iolheir ~~
I:I7J1!lBitted bill~atIOC:OI!l\1~(\
u \<)W")'
'tbeir s,cx Iif. so~~.ryiJi&. Alina, s.14 ~ ~)' felt .
'.al1yllrOlIMd ~m'i!mbariulCd by'~lI\ui>l>lI5~. .:
UIJ."T.dth\iJlleclhF &I\lecI10
1I1ikelheirsexlife.bcltc(l11!\.
','
cfi<bl'tkn"",~II!.I\)&i~.'. c:'...
'" .,
.~tb ~
bee:11&iven J>erCnltapes !I"Sl!Xwll~h U;cl~,iII, '. .; .
".

injilnc:tions:"Keepyour buds lo.you!$elf,""~hWo'<II\Y"\I

for1ouc~i!'§)'o\1tSC1fI~" ana"You~u~)' lIe1i11f'1:~ "
.)'Ou.a,gun. . .: . ..." ..' '.
. . . .
rapeg',' ",e .
' .'",'
Ted alid Alma.sOOnb_ ajYa.re,thail!ieirParenl
"
very. pi:ohibitive an4' activaledunlX/lftf<jnl\bIe f~np in.1h .

A~ptellCbild.,~ feb yiilry ..boultoueh,l!achjY&$ feUtritor

.~ne&$'EI\<:h lacked'"",aU...)' !'Ildserisilivi!)'jn'seual~~."
,p~ C?lISCqut$lly,their>I1a!U1ii1 sexualim,p\llal:s~aIrII~, .
" "'tally ..,~ied,TJi"J:"'<Ibl~ .were CQmpo"I\~\IeCaIIse,
. 1h.i~Mull "JO sll!lesjYereb()th.UJ!inf~edan<\JI\lsinf~, '

.
'. b\'~I1/1!'11t,TecI a'\"fA"ili""Ctt'in.lrIi~edi!tlec\ull!luilS t~i ,

~b!>diIy ~\!iatenilSS,.They
.
w~. gi"'ll>~ni&(fq.81i$1of'.,
.
~.~IIt WOUI1SSIte I\kthen
. . . .their A dulUII<' S
ll\jes w\. III sccul1lle;'
. 11\'t:0tIIJaitj0n
.. . o.ud _';u!all'}',
.. . .. They."._ aI",. .. fnCf1uralCll~ex-.
. . .
. . .
!'leA mutt. sensuouSniiss fRi'II\'1h~ir .NaIUt~1 Child, IOnn10aUy,
\hfy ltarl1ednol 10 b8sclheil's,cxual..
IIQlivities on old. neg~live
. . .. '. _
Ibtnwryrapes. .
. ,
... .
"

"
,
 '.'-'

.
. :, ',P"SO:nQl..~.~~"'I.~ity... ' . t99
','
"
It~ pla~:-4h~ tiow. whm:when, arid with whom ofohildhood
. play-sOll1e1imes are 'reAected later,in the penoit.s choice ofwca.'
..'
liOD and'use ofleisure.tilile. '. ':. .' '.
. v9W~plaYP'.ych6fo$ical ~es to;~\ltoJte theii~a.rly:~'
" "',ldeDllty.,The'pllles ~ ~ rodliture'lJCO!Ie5Inwl!iOlt
'tht rol,s of. Viqli I!Cfseeilk)r.and R.IIocu.,will lip pIaye",: .',
. :rM ~tloplni"it of'se~t"ljty. is aIsc1rttat~ to..rlt~. .....
. ..1I:8IIuwona.
k~""" ... ..~..~~aiI4=ated bJ'..: "~ .

,
rr::ri:~~~f~'::=:=:~iJ.\.p~=:';::
Iy ~{,
10JU:~.. P91\tiW:~~\labout tjIf'.$e1I.u id~tity Of ~
.
. . , Y"~haveauIdt/llltrbothas ..peI$C\I\
'IfICI...
. .."ue! ~ . ,', .
. 'fbe'~sa8<llyooll!CJ'IXedaboutyour~.hatandwhal!l:YOP. ... .
.
'r.:l::.s:rt:!>;tC~t~~~~~.\,~~~~~W~:,
.
.titj:trillese'aie helalhy:youl!~w t\ie~ !:in ~..'tdulW~
. :,"
[
.
Willilei'positioh.. If; ihey. ue ~t..oId .rtitJJdn. ~.1Ie ~" ','
\ ';' " (,.
~ AHnu:ta<:is. ',; .' .,:; \

.,~'ide *~~y~ioi; : . ,. .,.,

';,:
:' .<.,:,;"." ,<~. ,:.:::,."',::.::.'\:,.~.'::;,::,..:'.:,: .or ",>'\,:,>::>';,i,;.;,1~~}:,~,'
""';','>'
~<I~t}'<>\ir ~ame.in rela1ioDto ~r soript.:;-V~idel1ti~.
.. Jlid It Jive you", :.'. '." ".
. . .....
. .
.. .: ..;.

::::'
. ;.o~"
-" ,'"

:
"
.0 Who.i>amecj'you? Why?',
0
.' ~;
"

. '-'''',

.
ere you 'na~ed '!.flu
, someOlIe?lf so, .didlhe...me
, !!old $pe-: ,<.:
.
*'
'. !ria1expec,tatiollS? '..:
.. Weter"0 ~O~~ ~fYour ~Rle Q~.~id ~u.4isiike'it1 '~:, ~:' ,:'
~W )'()j11211ed
IiIi.,..lhat cjidt\'t~ approptiatelo J'DIIt.,
Ot,o~~IIi\Vileiir\di~..;.,: ,.: .""
..', . :. ';':.'.,:-
. W~y~Ui-nim,,~o pppu~ tiltiYOIIte'"p~'of.. mOb,:;',~, .,;
uliCOtRlI\oDtit.. yoli !'eU odd'/- . ' i ': '.', . ..
. " ;.'r
. .Diify01.\
" :'..' :" ,"~I

have a\ik:k_~A
..
'
'.'.;: ,\ '.' ". ::,'
',,':~

pel na.;;e~H~\Vdidy;,IIJCtitf
.'
,~(",::",.,y
"',' ,:;:.",
.
,
~ How.did yo,.~ ~am~or o'tlter:,enris you we.re'called. :uit1~;. '
. enoeyoutself.lilit.? ", . ,:. '. .
~
\vlla't.areioli ~Itd /IO<iIi.
By whom?
 ..
,200
o
. If yoll' ar,. matried,
BORNTO WIN'
da you caU YDur spoUse:mommie pr .
.. .
" 'daddy? Why? , '..;. .
,I ',',', , ,,'
. '.. Are,youl<&llN oRe name al ho~ a"d aRol\1e,...me al,worlo1
'If sp, wllai aN ~ Implicaaio '.;
.. What ~o you prefer~'; ' 1 '.
~ .,e caliN1 Why?, .
;
· WoIdd you rather lIa.".a di/'ferep\1I'I1J1e1
Why1.~ ~ ,~y
I
'AcMI reaspft fGr cball8IRg)'OilrDlllle1 For Ittq>I1Ig die <>jIe
{~
','., '. :'. "-i-:'.,
"'f ,<f,'.~~:~~~r:I':,_,.':;_~,,".;~'.F,',"-i"""" ..>:"':;' ,i
','" , .
';. ,
t:;';;;~' FrJI' 1N1IrhNl ~ ;"'/y ,
\.','> .\,"
,"n'" ",' ,"<:,":.-."",,
rta/II.wb.1I~~h",~
~~~~;dJ:J~aidO~
· WIieIl.sOlReone
S8)'S,~IIG." )'IIu?"40.)'011~. ~~. .
'"i',",JoImDoe;" It, do you'say"MarY Poe"?\vhy'i.' _
,','.:: :.. '.-",_ .':, '::'...'.,' "",:.,:,.:,',':,. ., : ,
,..:.;,',: "..,,,.:'-, ::,"....
'<
. ~~II ~re divo)Q4or.~dmvcd; ~_I\~do)'OU_~.
~:4:?,~.
[,:,:','1" '" olf:yOu;...,~ pr()fedi~...~ dilJe\'CDI
f)Ouilhat,~t'yOUr
.
,
.
~;K::'(,<j':~:, :,
husbatld'.,hoWdb
"
',' ,""
pc9JIlc"~.,
,"';' " ""1 : ,).," , ,

: l
.,:f,:'
-,,"
.. < . : ,
F'~'
"\ .
,
.
'.

S>yinar ~ ~ '
~t,'.
'.'.
:if . ~thiHx~lIienl:siowly.CIOsc~;eyeS.TlyIO*~
r
.'"
;
'. .
as a youps chil,fa~ p~ay,YGU.in probably .;a1CbglW)pscsof
yolltselfatdl/fereDllgc,aad...,
agery aad exP!'rje~" il more fully..
HPldOnto_.pr~
,'. " .
u...
,
, ~ .
· . 'NoWgOilllCrtlieImalPaarYr06I11in your bead where yoU'lI03:
. vjdeo~T.eoUl~uapela'bcljod~nt..l1IdPlar~HtOll..
,,..'. , your~ tape recorder.;rum 011the .;ri!eb, ~II. .
. .',
1:'7'.
"~"':',',.;
,
. W t &i)(11I'
",,'
" "
".
si!y.tIo..t'pll~
, ,,' .;
I ,,'; ".,'
: ".
..,., , .' ..What nonverbal m_~ \I() they pv~ ,;
.,'., , ,}
1,,_,::',,' ,"_' ;,~, _:\~ ' ,

'.
'"
. Wereyo\l~ven
" \",'i', ',;,':';,"::,.'
lillie 10play, on,asyOi.r ~~O¥~tecI?
'J',', '>""""".,::-(' :'_ "'":/':,,

. . .'w~;".int:nOlJS pIaciedQIl your'P!aY ~ 01' y~ .x?.

"

Now ~
the followinaq~~ to P!hef : ,
.1

.,
 ,

.. What were your acpve I"onm of pl.y?

:Nhere did you play? Back yard? Street? Barn? Alley'tPatk?
,
201

,
Whichwasyour favoriteplaee?WI\y?
,

.O idYOUPlay alone? Djd Youh m'PI.YI/i ateS?If so; werethey

relatives? :N,eigltbor$? sdtooijnat~s? Did youlave,a~ inutgt-
. n.ry , , , , , ,
,'
,
,
,
,
playmate?
'..,. .
': .
, '. "
" '
We"l your playJliatt;s SlmUM ~ l)IIe Ulol"C;t1
· 'were ' .1('1101, wfult ,
"

,
. ,the.differences?', , ' ;,'

Did roUf. site; ..x,appearall~,

the sidelines.get yauolt the tellm, or leI you bf the Sll!r
,

,skm~. oW.ikeop you' .'~n..'

" '"

,performer? . ", ,',

" "
' " '
"

.Wmyou primni1y~leader,a fOllowef.lir, ,!,feree'!\V"lIlch

,'role didyouPrefet? Washa topdogor anulld~rdogiro!:e? ,

. W"at was the most fuIi thi.{g yo~,ever,d}d?

,., ,"
,
.' '
..

.\Vhat were yopr passi~.fo;'tIi$of play? Didll1ey ,irtclud~ a lot'

of reading. radi,o.or TY?
'

',:'

,.,Whit,were yo,{rra~orite programs? Comedy a~ ~tm"'de "

,
you laugh? Soap o~r.s ~t made YOu'c¥Advejltute stOries,:
,
that Jl)(>kyouout of Ihis world? " /, ,: "
.,.Did they motival~You:to adion? Lull yoU'into f~nhe~ 1'0$;', I
, "
'sivity?' " r , "
'
.With ~hichcharacter$did youidenlify? Why?, ,
,

'. III what "lay was youqilay a rehearsal for yout presennole'?
..
'.Dom~tic.oCcupatio_nat, etc.? . )', .
~
I
'Now imagiae;~noiher'vid.Q'tape.!abeled "'CJtildhOQil'Laugh. "

ter Tum,i(,on.,Heilrthe'souIid Of your,/aughlet," . '- ,.

.
.:..., -,
~ :",' ,'"
. Whot~adeyoulaugh?'" , ~, ,
, Doe's tbe &ound seem, to toniHromap<lr1il'Jiiar part~fyour '.

~hil d:e~
'
.ta te? FI'e e;flowing,Nahl ratCIIi ld? .M aII,jp"1a!i~
mtu1llv~ Lltde'Prof.ssor?
, , Polite ,Adapted'
, , C.h1I~?
,
, ,
. . , , ,, , ,
.
,
,
.
.Is l1IIy4"'.teiling you I1()tto laugh,llIat ~'/t.. 'tIp1ftmDY''?
Dpyousee
you feel good ,or bad?,
or hear anyone Ia"ghjng at you? Ifs6;doesit
.
"

male
I
i
. ' " ' I

I
I
 , P""_a1Js."",,, I_itl" , 2Oi"

,~Try lhi.t;o; two mOl\Ihs<Thea 'di..1iss yo~r eXpcriellp'$.\.kvel'

with el\l:b olloer as Id,wbal was enjoyable, wbill, was tolerable. '
wbat <ll!asimpossible. Could iIIIytIiiJ)gbave beeJldone to ~~
CIJOI!Sethe /\In? Are tl\ete agrellmenls1!lat.need to be reac~ ,
'

to m*e.. 11 MllcHn .. U,e.. filluie?' ", '

, .. ~
,

' ,'<'..
' ' -
· ~,with lhe purposo'ofbr/e8ing I$~ P\eUjIfe" ~h"
ao:,
',lilt to the \'Iller peqo...1ak~ tUt'1\Splanniflg. QeII~
Ilvity,ljIat youtl/iJlkwpukj ~P'I~$!!I'fOUf ,_
apoutrc., ""
,..J ._,_
,.',::'
:...,.. ,
..' ',', :.(",'<', ,"", ' ., ,_
.'
t,l",_, .:. _'{',,':_,',." -.,..
" ""
"./:
.' Ffila1lMxjl!orIisatii!ifibuOOviti~.9i\Ii4~lboi'!fyOl1.
"
\"'~':"
':'"
"
" tried b!>Iwo~liJtlO.
, ~enttWidi? \VJUtluirib '""»\ld be ~t1l)
~at#Iyoqrpiw. ~~e \liem. Iry.~t~'" ,
'your ,.;sullS,", "', " i3:;.f"
. ". .." . .' ." ~.'1f;.
' ' "afd:
T,,~'fiII,iasY'~,edmelil is'fottitese wbo'~';e/otgoUI!n, '
afrai!!.'dr.feel UII.bl~1\iplay. Do ,!!,IeexJ!"fl'l\~ ,~. '
,
,
, SlOp'ifyt>11become I<J9anltious. Wpt a wiJIi!eand start~ " "

i)qn'! ruoh' YOUrself. ,,' ," ,.', )

'lmagiD:e,youneJf selting rC.uiy'11>.,J>hIya prne.bf'loiICy- · ·\
~U.r:_""'; ,.,-'0:,' ;,,'i"O _.',,-,'. ,__,:1...\,,:(.:',; ':.';~!k

. SC\ect'what
towear.V;watiu'~ ~ssed~a f!'.dJ~.',;:',
y
'1""1. ,'.'' :'_
',",
..',- : ..:, 'f - _'::..:.. ,..
:',
.-, .',c' ., " 'c(',,.,:.., .. C,,'
~
. ',:.. .. .:_:" ,_: .. _,':., .."-/ _,' ,' 'c.'.',"':'.I~'
:'r,
~' ': _"', :'.' "" .. :: .' ,'.. '.' '.. '. ',_ : ',' ".'''',', '
.hnaglne
" tballbe '6$~"pl,ay~':' ,wil,1~I$Q'be beginne~ 1!Ij>1'«' ,
",
,,
c,: '
.inMresJecl itI.1\In dIaa'jn <olilJ'CtitiQll. '
~-...
" '

. Imap YOI1I'SeII'
od .theway I<>the'
'..

'$'""e.
". ,
'
. ybursel} and ";bC($ arri.vinwa!th~ court. , , :,
~ '
,

I
Ofllbe COlI",bitting ~J!letOOdsItOUc~~4"
~=~:;:I,f ,:'
I

. "
"
.::~m:;"~~~~*:,;e~u;.~t;=::'r'
.lng fuIt, ,,',
' "
,,'
',""" r:~',
NOjYt~iakorap\ayf~~~yqu'v~ hada~~1!18"y:;"'~;'"
Iry. Seek out play Siluaifons wbere yotawould feel qfe, qy \be "I
"y:r a r'ecrcalion_tor, or,an .dull J>I'QS1'I!"!.
Selec!J?COp!e:-\O
'play WIth w~o:arC 'non~loning. ",",
.iepe!",
lite ~l1Ie 'P~ lISabove.Do this for'severa]days.
I

I
~~
1
I
!
 , . i'
204 BOJlN, rOWIN' ,

me IIt "of ' QOor n'te. \Vhcnitfec>~

a"' Y~ incr~"inS
B"""
."
. righi, lurn ,your fantasy,lnt"mJJly, '
, , , '

Re ~lJIber10 play for;fu";'{~OI for "kcq>s.'"

, .. ..',
"

.. "', . -, '.
,,'
'.
.;,

4. Yow P87~t.ol.a1~_ '

.-
,. , .
'.
,', :.:
,," ,:',: ,::::"
..
..,": ,','\",'
-,
'..
Lilllilbis this"'" exjierilileat IOlMsad.~di~ iD,Ih~,e!lapler,
flm writ~ In lb. b¥iQ'l\IaoJflldadve Viotllli>p~,
.. ,
:.~' -:"'.i. ," "
'Il-:"'-
""",,,,,.~',um'w~'c~P~''''-J_':
""'" ' "'_" ,,'." '" "
"",:'
.N~ ~dtr",blch psy~l~ sjitii.syoU; YOll!p'~IU,
,
or s.blJnssplayedIn clllldhood.' .
.
,
i' '
.'" ,-."'.' '".-.". .'"

.
NlUPie of theCiame ,41Qnl:ff~t~:;.,
. .~ 1"
'
" "

, ': '.-, ';\, . -;"

",:
." -
..',.:.~,<.'
bn 'O,dll frying 'IQ Help You' '
,WiIIIl Woulil You ,\ Do,,wilh,,U,1
. I~M'e? .,' .,' ,", .

,,'"Now I've 0'0\ You. 'You 8:,0:11,'

,~apo, ,
, "

" pro~. ,',",'

~.
,
,'w- , ~ -,
II W.' fIIr",rtHim
>'' ..-< ,"'e"" :'
,If
",
WoodenLtg' ,

C:-:_ff~', ~'
:I>oor Me , , )'~'

I~ yo~ playo" 'any (,rlbe;. g<!l1!csin Chil~QOd" do YOll~Y' ,'

. ,
',~he~ '-"::.. :i,,'_','_.. '.>;., ,,'_,1~: ,;~':i~:,:>,':,"':',',~'_-,';"J _:,:',~::',~:~'_':~ I
'~:, "'_ _':
iHo", ,lIPyou 11CI"!It 'roles-of ll,esCiier, Pe~~lOr; Dr'tljetl..r
,'~.(nWbatsilu8Iion$and",iili wlioin, , ' ",", I
-".'
,- .
. At ",\tat-leVel~~nm~ ..;; YQUpl.y your I!!I~ I

".
,> ,'{':,.':,::'''.:'' ::"",": ,\", .'~:. ;.;~,::.",';' """'".-
. """,.':.
"

6:Yo';; s~~I4ee,~ ~nd J!:vr.il8til,a ,

R~..peri.l1cing your~hiklliood,f~iIlngs .abOul yi>\li se'f,lIai
identity
, and your "dUal e.peri!'riI:eSmll¥ Si\'.'you impotIJIIIl
." ' ",
". '~: ~ "'.

..".
"
 Pmo~qlaNISexual/tknllty 20! ...
clu,es 10,your present attitudes 'and behavior reg~rding your
sexuality.

, .
Think back to what was said about
.
Was anYthi4either .,' .
your birth.
positive or nc;gatiye, ..idabout
'4' the pain
you ""u.sed youtmother?
.00
, ,
'
you know what your parents feli about yeur seX when you
were born? We,reyou what th~y wanted? 'I

.If so, bow did you cOme 10'know this?

'.
. If not, how did you gc!ltheine$sageand
,
how did YOII~etl '
,
about it?, '"

Who were your male and feml\Ie models1':Ve~-th~y " adequate? .'
. . .
,.Did youbave suffic;ientopporljlnil!es lObe with ~r$on$ of
.
. the "!,posite SC1<?
The "ame sex? ,
:
.Were you gen~ially afraid, 'ot 'did you, enjoy persons of the
,
OppoSItesex in your
, childhOCd?Pe~", of your own , sex' .',',,',
.~What images <'Ifmasculinity or femininity ha"e youi~l'I'o-
rated? R<;jec~d?Are stilIeonf\l,.d about? -, . .~

. Did YO~frather j)elieve

.
woinen:wereOIt and lI'eat them,as

.
.~/,\
., . ,"
such? .'
" "
Did: you, mother believe men ~ere OK and ll'eat them.. .
such?
. ..'
"
. Wllat were ihe attitude. and bellavior of your (libet parent
.
.
. figures in relation to perso", of the opposite sex?
Which ",f the$e attitudes bave you i~rporated? . ,
Now activate you.' Par~nl videotapes labeled SEX.
. . What. do you bear a!>out-your sexualcu.riosity?~ tbe
-, rem.rk$ rational? Prejudicial? Tilreate'ning? 1)estrui:tiYe?
. . .
Indu~gent?' . .
. Are they igllormgthe .ubj~'l'r,",yirig' nothing? Aie you ridi,
ouled orsnamed?
, - .'
.'.

· W~I>~Otd'Or phiases are used Ib,be? you II) lilie?

. W1\at are your sexilal organs called? How did they teach you .
"the facts of life"? '.
'.'

.
'.,
206 BORN TO.wiN .
seXllalIY? .Did they
· Did they leach
ablise YOllsexually?
YOII 1(1 pro\eCt yourself
Fail to protect you sexilally'l Flirt with
.
'you? Tefl" you? Ten}1>1Iditty .~rie. to arobse )'0I1? ..

° Oo:eitIW.of.>:ol!r p8Mft1Sget vicario!l$ s.litf.acliOi1&om

sexllalu:~riences?Did they seemuad,.t)' ~
yo",

. NOw~Ie~"~CIill4 .,.
feC1ia~ &bQut;u. ....
a..~ ... I\)'
.
.
itWbat
.'
youPeX~Q.J0y7
.
'.
is~';U'~I
.
. . f.~
... .
.. S..~,.,'yout.~~.
. . Wbaif . .
. ... .. . .
"
.
.
"

'~~:~~=~~~~F.~;
L.i)'OOf~I!1 to~ " yolit N8U\QIChiId teeJinpf.~.
.

. . .
, =~~~?~~~~~.~ , ,':
. .

--:- ',; '., .........

-','
.'Did YOI1l1eedteladeyourleJ:lI*1 CIII'iosIty?
,.'
' If.~_ ~
,)'OOf~~!,~ iIt.' ".;> '.".
. .
, ; _ ~ ,
. ...:r "",',
~~~~.f'-~
"
,',_
' ':.'
'
... \..' .','
N"""..."
1 _ '.

.
.
.(:O,oaider.~efoll~.q~'ia.~ tpydilt~
.

,t~'aDtlbel1a\'i0r: '.'
....
. .WIuit, areyciur~ab9Ut yOur body
. .."
~. .
)'OOf.sexI18I~? . . . "; ....
.,What.. 'Jour .~'a\)o1ttper.ooiaof.tJO.~iIox'!
oAt yQIU'. ~ Slap.qf.lit" wliaidoYOl1 ~~
pIiate ~ bWVior'l Do YOII.ba~AduJ.tdata~.'~ ...
~l(Ia~li~iIr~. ,.
.WbiCh ,...ia.. ot,ou,~ !(olirllcllllV~
.
,
_--,,~':;':'::'::":':'-;':"-';":;:'" --<:'-~,.~1",-':,'--, ,'.' ~'-,::;,.:",'<,h.;!.,"'''_;:'

...""' u~m:~. oria biiBiOiI~ '.

'.~~t~atate'~~,~Ot\IIIe~~IeIt... '.
'~~."':YOI¥'~' ;' .' ;
'.
, .";

.ff " ... '. .' ~1IIdi .. ...............

. :.v':'.~.TAi!'they~..r~
flnistr&liaf'~tative?~~.WIIat'1......
, ;,.

.
 PerJOllllla"d&xuall"'hy 207
only for Ilwst who have asexual probl.m. [161
.
T,his txptrimtntl.
Do your Parent tapes contribute
00. figure out
\0 YQur probleJ11 now? iflhey
. a, way,\o turn Chem Q!f. ' . '
Olle way is to interrupt the illtemal dWoguebyf~g'9n
younensuousn Becom. aware Qfyour body f..lings and '

Whatfe.ls.good. If your parenls resli!ne negaJive talkiag ill

your bead, ~ t~ Chem."That's Paslm.tol)!:' v bllliAng
your body feelings win belp mmolT tltCtape. FOOls,your' al-
tejition agaill 0/1' bow YOllfeel, now., '
.:
. "

o'Do your Cbild tapcs conlti""te to Cheproblem? What a~,Ch;',

desires of your,Natur~ Child.? Whicbofthcscarc you .bl,c \0
. eJtpress?Do you need more control? ~ rontrQ\?
~ How docs You/Little Profcssot..ffCCt Chepr<>blem?1s itililitu.'
ilion 41Idcrealivity turnedofl'l Docs It manjpulateteaJOltablY
or attempt to exploit oChers?' '
Because so many ...ual problems dc\ieloped in the Ada~d
',
.
Child, e..mine yonr ada~IiObS care/1lllY.'
What feelings did you learn io bave about ...? Guilt1,Fear?
Contempt? What? Are'Che..f.elillgs ,telated 10, traUDt.1ie
or
ineiden,ls in your childhood
conditioning?
. Is your Adapted
'

Chilc}CI100sing
10 lollg.term negative
".,,'

to maintain
.
Che scxUa1,prob-
,

.
. lem in o~der \o'prove i~ early psychological pusit.iOl\$?'
How does the probl.m contributetQ yout ~pt?
Now, U$ingyout flS..or Checbair, develop a dialogue 9n sex
~tween YourParent and Child. Do tbe ~alile wiChyour Ad.apl-
.d Child and Natural Child. S'ay'WhateveryoUwant .\0 &a)'.
. Aftc,ryoilha"e eXha~ iIIe~onvctsalion (wbich rna)""~,
SO"eral trieS ); let xou r Ad1!ittell you/Parent ~.t you ,arc now>
an,!
, hereafter, responsible
, 'for. your Qwnse'lI~ behavjor. ,
",

'

Now eXa~ine your Adll1te!o state.. '

. 00 you have a"equat.information aboutyollt soJt~y ...d

,
Chatof the oppOsite ...?If nOt, galbermore data b)'tcading,
, attending classes: or talkillg 19,professiorii1s. "
'

,
.
208 . BORN TO W1N

. II the dear thinking ,ofyour Mult amtaminalcd by,Parent

-
. prejudkes,and/or Child cxpcrie~ arufdistortions?
Wbat SCXIIalbcbaVioris a pp'oprWe to your life now?,Wk al
doca your behavior mean 10others now? WhaI,c:ouId il'dtean?
, , , ,

you make someonebappicr'l . .

.~
' - ' .
bibcrc _hing youc:oll1d.iIo,boul your jIrObl~mbut
baven't?Qi)you/lte\t 10~ a couiuclor? Have apbyiicalcx-
~ Take. VllCl\tiOnJb!,Dt
YOUrt!lViioillncnt? v.rtUu?
work? ~JC.9f .'
,
" "'.

.WJaal ~ dOrO/!~to,m.? WIw,lIt'Ir

~
\in.. couJd your AduII,ilacideIlPon? ,.,."

'..'
I. ,
. \

, ,

, .

"
\

,
 ,

8
StomP Collecting ,at14.
Game Playing
life iJ.,lik"i /III'onion; yoU oJ! one '
loyer 11I0 lime, On4.J-mmn1'"' you,
".
Carl Stmdburg

. ,.
:,'
OpinionsaudtraditiOllS,for
mostPeoPle.rendto be~4in
the P"",,I, egoslale; fatl"I\I<k1a .,.dcoinP\1lation c;enlcR4 it! ~~
Adult; aDd nalu~atad adapted feelilljllc:en1eR4 in \be ,CJUld.
Children are ""tncapable ~ aU feeliJlj!S>taJIBi"8 from."r~
ROO'" rase, In QIebe$iJlning they re""""d senuiJlely witl>~Q1\'
~.~e:I:;m~er=~.:=n::~iJ:e-=~!~~~ "

example.dlildren are nalUraUytuddiy. y.t can learn II) I>eco,ne

. rigid 3114to wilbdr jp f.ar...bn lOinConeapp~ ~~b.
~dren. nal1lfl!ny~kp1e over pain. yet CU adapt to~
pain. even deatb.Childrenare na\U.;allyself-centctCd. yet c:an
leani to fed guilty about w'!"ting anything for '\bcmselves., ,
Child(en are not hatn witb tbeir fe.linp already prOg!1Ull_d"
toWatd obj~ and peoplc. eoeh ohI1dlearns toward ,wbolll8Dd
...hat to show atrcciion. ,Eachl.atnS toward whOlllaud a1>outw~ '
10 feel guilty. l;ach I.a"" wilont 3IIdwhai to f.ar. ,ElIch'\w:IIS
1vilont,ndWhat"'bale. ... ',. '.'
. Altboug/J .ath I:hild"experiences all fe.IiJlp.'e""b~aIIy.
"
,"" ,"

adaplS,~ith a "tavoi'ite"l1;eliJlg,TII\s is what coml\1oDlyf.k ,

when thinIII' "got tough~ around the house. ", " .

-,
A dUld ~ ~uaU' hean
~I'm ,!!Shamedof you!" <>r" ,
"You should he ..harned of yourself!" "gUilty.
.,
'. ,~

J
 210 BORN TO. WIN
"1 t !"~t until your father.Sets
home;~c'll bear you..,~" afraid.
~Don~t.peak to those "
le'ws/Catholits/Proteslants,.
.the)'c:an't be !rUsted." ..ha.~ or .uspici9n;
'f"'. . ,
,"Altho!Ishtltesereeling8m~ have been an undi:ts~dal>le' re'
. 'spo_to the original childhoo<isilUatit!t1$,Ia.teri~life people ..
, ien4. to seeko!'t sltua!:l01\S
inw~h!l!ey~~. the.OId
.
tee~~.ll' f~the~:~e1inJ8'ar~ OftenooU~~ .

\.t'

.
/
 , &I..., CoIl«,..,
loser wltl) sua:eed$ in *experien~..tliai
by playing g1\mes,manages to maintain
. Ga...,.",yi",
old feeling," perhaps
the status qUo;
'21]

1'be followingc:ase iUustrateslt<iw IWopeop1e.ltandielheirguilt

feelin~ differ.ndy.

ci-~~'
.Severalm=,ha4t..que~a \WIBfer<)UtofDivIsWa B oIliJt
, electrolli<:s(abo"Ibry. TIt.!;jIUIed tIia,,$Iperviso11O~;t

~.
m~g at wlndl'he ml!nw~enc:ourapho v.lilate tIiak
i'eSCn1lJ1 ~
iss11ebecu1e clear w~" &I1eman exploded
with, "1'm Sickaliitliredof Samand~'$ ~aYs
IWo-Ito lunchperiodud Iellvingth. ex\tI(,work fortlia rat
of us." Bodi SamllJid Ed confessed to ,!Jeing&bilty;apoiQ- '

"
&i1:"d,'and proInised'to do ,better.
sam Iived up to,Itis ,,",miSe :I!d, however
cild1i\lIe c:oJib ...
. ued, hi$JODI!
, lunchhOur$,o~riag ex~ ' of "Qee, fellowt,
, , ,
,
,

I'm sure sorry. It ...mslike something iIIways l\appl!ns>eveI!

when I ha~egoodm",nlions.I f= terrible about it, ,alld I
bow I've Just got 10 try ,lIatder." T\Ie, reprimalld$ from 'Ih<!
SUpeMoor '-'me more fn;q,uent. Edw... tltiaIly lIIid olf.

, The.gO $1&te traIIw;ilqas be\WeeIIth. s.pen.iaor and Ed ~

very different from thUsebelWeCl\lhe ~pervisor and Ii ,~,
'
,
.Fig. 8.1) Sam ~d theJact that hi$long lunelt Itoun put all
"!!fair burden on others aIIdShaped up. Ed c:oUetICdpilh_p_
by playing a hard ga\1le (>fKick Me and got hiS payOff'by IlciJig ,

,
fired: .j(ick Me is a CO!1Imol1'gl\Dleofjob ~rs. '

.
- '. !i
I

,.' , ,,
,,',

I
 III
, . ..
BORN TO WIN
A child w~ose "favprite" fe~ling,rcsppnsewas inadequacy. later
in life tends _to CP!lect fee1ingsofinadequacy. (sometime. referred'
". 10 as ~rown slamps or gray SlQ[llpS). This person usua11y has an I'm
nOl-OK posi1ion and manipulales from the. Victim role.
.' one game playedtP collect ~eeI.ings oJ inadequ ac:y is SIUPid.
.
'-Thcfollowi"l
.
c versatil)n,rc POtted by Gin ottl:3j,
con . iIIusti'ates
. a
. .

'. . son's slrong .determination

. .. to colloi!:lan
. inadequacy
.
stamp from .

hjaf&lber ~d hidalher's willingness IQ Siyeh.

$011: .1,am slu)'id.:

'.
'Fill"": '1'011.artnol' SlUpid.
$on,:' Yes, I ."in." ' .
. ..
fal"": '\'~u ar. nOI. Remel1\.ber~ow smafl yoll Were.ai~p?
. The. q:>unSelor thou8b' you were one of Ihe. brightesl. .
sOn: HO'If <10y~u I<nol)/what,bethoughl?
Falher: Hetold
. . 010so. __','
'.
,
. .'
.
~', ,''''-,',..'' -",', ';'-':~,' i..:/"
"",
Vah, how. c:omebe Caned,,!e S~.U
"
"

:w~tlnio?'
. He Wasjll$,iciddi~~. ". ".
...
'
lam.l!lpid;.ndhnow II. L.Iokat my'8fades
,
jp.Jclt<>9l~
.
Youjus! hllri to wort har4ei. ,
,
.'
"
'

,,:..".'. . '. ',:',",' "-"",

.
,',. .1, :.'
.
'/,atfeaciy wor~harder "":.
andii doeNt'll1.ip,'I,havl!iO
;braiftl,. 1'" ,:
'
'FIZIh,,: You are sOlarI. I ~now.
,
, Son:.1 am siupid.l~now.
Falhe" Y011are nlll '$lI\pi41
, '(loUdly)'
Son: Yea I amf
,.'
Jlal1tlr,.VO!!8te "
1!0t.I~pjd;Slupidl. .
','
. "".' .
.
Irl'~1e Ie 10. ~ fiel ~IIIpid can'inn'd " so:n. '
\6 ;..n 1Itb.n' ''$IU-,
hu..
.p4I"'~J."ay. .' . i~H~ . ~tl, .0000eOIlei.Uteerins
. . . ~11hem.
.
, .. .

.lheY collect H"OUHt".frit S1upidSIf,mp. <'

to discountingm.c\tildhoOdby feeling hU.fI .
." "

f~pre wboteSf>oI!d
and dep~. laler lend to In,lulge
, themselYesby collecting feel,,

,
 S,amp Cttll«Jing and Gamt' Pltly;ng 2t3
.
.ings af depressiar, (som~tim~s referred t<1.as blue stamps). One
woman. aj:Cus\Omed ta collecting feelings ar depression, discov.
ered tt>at wt>en her day was taa. bright. she caul~ ahvays collect a
few depresSlan
. stamps
. by calling hermather-m-law; One man.
. collected his depressian.s.Umpsby consistentlyst>awingup late to
department meetings. thus provpking a "kick" fralD the chairman.
Later. he ,,,"vayscomplaiDed. "Those'meetings.really ..e1iress 1I1e.

,
They roin my day." . . ..'
1\p~n!Pt\who collectsdepr ionstampsusuallyoperatesfrom
.
a psychalogieal position <1fl'm.no\.()\( 'IIUImanipulates others 1>}I,.
playing a Victim role. This type ofpers<m is easily hurt hy """ual
comments and actually tries to get hurt in arder to feel depres.ed;
Playing Hruril!d affqrs an opportunity ..to collect d~pre~ia..
stamps.' A Harried player eventually jristifies a seriaus dcpressjiJtl:
and complete!:Ollapse: Berne d<$Cribes the tYPi~ hOusewife. who
. . . .
plays this gam~ .'

. i ". ..' .
SM agre.. willt.lIe, hUSbl>nd's criticism. and acc:eptsali hercbiiclren's dl!-.
'.

mands. If ~he ~ ,tQentcrtaio at~inDei'. shefiol-onl)'fed$ she ~,ultt.t.

don impe~ably,a.s.a conver,..tiona1iit,chatelaineover,the househo14_a.d
seryants;inte,iordeCOt:&tOr, catmr.:glam,o,"" girt, viI'gi..queen,; .~di:P\O~,
mat; _$hewilta1s6 vol~teer tha 1 momin g'_to _bake e a cake and takethe;C bi~'
dren to.thedenlisllfdle alreadyfee,..~.he .
.
.
makesthe<la,y . "";.
.
morellOrriod. 1'ben in .he.middle of the IDet;IIOOnshe ju.ti~y ""Ua~
and nnthing gets done. !lbe lets down ber bushend. tbe cbil~ arid Ibeir
gues.s, and hepelf'reproacbes add 10hormisery.Afte'tbishappeM\W!'
'!'
~ee timts; her marria8ei$ in jeopirdy. tbe~.hildren_~ eonfu~ ~e 1~
.weight. b~r hair. is un~iciy. her.facei~draw~,and her .shoes arescuffe~,[~~.
,
~
-
Executives wh" p~y Harried say"Y os" to everything. vall!llteer
"

1'1come early .lId wark late, take on week,end ~S'!lDents d

carry work ho",e hi a briefc8se--perbaps even ~t"dy1'ng.it 0Ii ihe
commui.er.bjIjI.Far a1"hi!e they are al\le ta a.ctlike s\lperman ar
8uper'lVolDan.bUl,evelltuaUy theirappeara\Jai. 'begins ta ronecl'
th~ir harried slale, TheYC\>IDeto war.ka bit disheveled.)'.rba~
unahavell or \¥llh bIoodsh"leyes. Theyllri: unable tonnish thm
work. Theirpfiy*aI al\d rne\Jlal.health deleriarate,1'hey<:OlI~
.. ,
.
:~~r~;~~1:c~e':~~:= r;Kr~:;~~:~:nre~:;:;:"
hand. is bascidon a replay ofoldmem...rytapes wbere ttie'child relt
less in ..lanon io.'bi.or her parents,14~ . ' 1''''''.''
 !

" '5'0"'1'Col~';", aridGa;ni PlDying 215

In s~h a CIIS"the executive saves up enough purilY stamps to ward
off the ,"frivolo\,1s"demands of others. The ulterior message it, _-'If
a person li~e me can be IhiS frugal. so can yoO," Byoollecting S(),
much self-righteousness and humility; IheexeCutiv~ makes olhelS
,feel 10<>guilly or tOO fearful ,and in Ihis way wards,ofC,lheir
. ,
dema,,~' . ,"
"
T.he color, thai we assign to F'jchological irading stamps ).,0(
, course, unimportanl, 'I;he,iJDportanlpoinl is the fact !hat psy~
logicalrrading sta'JIl" represenl anindulIience in \jrcb~cfee1iDgs.
which are saved,np and, evenlu,ally:'re<feemed," "
('"e way people can gel in toUch wilh Ihe old ~elings Ih~ they' " ,

keep reinforcina is Io!lecome 'toware,offeelings Ihal,see",jn~p-

propr iate in Ihe,SllUIIlion Who n peo Plellbow thai thelt feeb '!Ij
response , is nOI tational,they, "
,
maybe
, able
, 10 trace il bac~ ," its on'
,
,
",
gin. as Diana did in the following case, '" '

," . ' '. , . " . .~.

C W...tr.Uci"
.......
Diana deScribed helS;\f asdepr dand ~.;xiouswhen
husband watched (eleYisioriinlh~venin& She saidh",f~""
ingswere IIn~onal!le, ,becausein reality he worked h"'d,
,waSresponsible al home,',and Wr,8devoloo to Ihei(IWO~
. ,,-. .
", .'
\,.,.'
.' ,':., . .:.:. " .".
One evenin$! QVerCOmebyilepression, piana ,wenl I?,~~, '
.' '

bedroom to Iry 10 Irace her feeling' 10 their origin, USllig'" '

technique'she had-learned ,incounselirig, she beganby_c~ri- '

f:ting 10 helSelf ~'OW.she, tcally fell, She Ih,en .skedhersejf."

,"Whaldoes this remind me ol,?" "When did.1r..ltliis way
0
,
,before?" " '

AftCr. few minutes, chitdhooil memone,ofher (athat'ca';'~'

to mind. Wh.nililn~'were difficult fothim,hewilh\it~ i;>\O
. m".nl~iUneSS:This ,Wasm.pifesled by ~i. siiling fodrmg fie" \
tiO<isqf \i",~inLa ~ajr.staring, btankly al nothing: W!i"Il'
Diana's filher'beh.veal"lhis,,\,~y, she fe114ei>r~i0!1AA" '
\!len p.nic.V ,,IWh"II sn~SI~~!lI o~abo~lii,h~m : '0 1,1I

or prole5\ed,"II'S lie\1erno~tOWka!1oul IhiitptiU

,
, .
, !hat.tl , , ,
,

just upsets everyliody," ,',

",

[)i~na: ...pOrled th.le~peliencil!.itheoe'otdmC!llorit!s...

painfi,J .nd p{Ccipitale4a torrenl of lears: tI0weve., she dis-
o

coveredthil S1t~uen\ly sif" coUld.seeher hu&ba"dwatdt'

\
 216 , 'BOli'" TO/l'I'"
,
ing television ftom bis chair witltout experiencing 'be old
Ceelinp tromher past. , ,

. "

.' The ~iI who:is iJI ~.proc;ess of ~mg a wiuner will ,'
. often ~,oddeto give up col~ negative $t8l\1J'"AndC!JI!Sci~y
<:o1l~JI>(d".,p.s-teoliJIgs of se\C-apprecialiob.lUthertbljat Ie-
~,l""itjveSl«lkes'~ say.i~ otcf1oserteelings,lhi;perso..
".
;/,',!
.~n~~,'
, - .
'. '
,
," '

',I"" , JIv '81~""": Thai w",,'a lovelydiDner"Sally.

, T~
It
,. Q!4~: ~,i!W8Sli't~.'.
t..,-
· Nfil(~; ~kYoo.Smst.~bilimY~iy.
"
. ,
,.'To;~. Sljlllulw:' naI estimateyOlim~dcfor tlje job
"". In tact, it "'AI in d~1e yea must, b~1Ie
'
'"
r:;.'
f
:"",.,
Old, 1f(,,;,n..: yei..w~~ bUI rm IIO~ ;t was!t'! Rib_bed
,-'~
,I
~};i","'::" ~"'"
'~'~'i,;',.'~
,:',. '-.,',t .,"':;...,.",'\"

r:;:' NftJ R : "'Thanp,:,r.n .p.e.w it worked OIIt'~ ~eJt.

'''', ,
'
11miSht help lIS ." more <:On1QlCtS.
(..- .. ; ..
, ..

, ' "/", ," "',

~"I'
" '
e SlI._
ro 'fI" '
" 'yoa~ ~\o
"
WAI'.O-~.. jat the oOn.iert. "
"

~~+:':'
,
' , ,..

I didn'tIhi~ I wasS<!bQt..
..

~" ~:, . OI.R~ "

i" ,N(w~~: Oee. t~s.Gl.t4you liked i,L.

r
r..
','
'qiving"'If i01~ st8JIIPS;"aki:s the Child te'd goOd. HOW~- '
"cr, Ibey can ,be phony. A pcfllOR whoSe generosity with money is
'

r really.a bri!>e1o'~bll~ trie~d.hip is really Collectinga,_terteil

'
,gold ~mp ,whicb gives. tempOrary or taIM"~" of p~n~
f; . ',' A pCfs:mwho bas gained enough iJin~r'~pport ~
,~mpPIlM!
IOllgert"els a
nc,d.to,coIIed psy<:hol"Jllcallradipg '!1iJftPS'o!any'
f'
f',
, .,=1r:;"~::';'~M~I~~r:F.::fr'~~t.;~~~"':~
.i<lId,Ha~f"ItOf..urainYday":.,eyu.1bi1cn.
" ~"" ,.,~,,~,
,~,.:,",~'»"'''''''c': i':"','" ',': ,,';;';"'."";' ,
,'.

\
i.;.
..

'.
, "

.:. "
"

. .PSychoIOgil!alll'aainIlSlam~.fe
'",

ev.Uy
,

0' JtBDBilCP1'lO!\i
'
~

"',,...
,.,:"'"
,"
'
~in "
.~r ~~~.
':.<','"Y'.'~'.,
.,;:

.1
I
C," By tbi.~lilRe <Ifredemption:' ~many rescntftl~n," in conJlJtlCliOh I
, I
"
 Stamp COII«tlllg €;ame Playilll 211
. ~
with this specialstamp collection ha~ebeer. $aved up that the per- .
. .
son feelsjustified.in a~ting (hem out. The process is
collecting -+ . growing ~ jualifl(:alion
Stan1pS resentment for behavior,
A person.rede.:ms .these .tradi~g Slalltps tltrougli self-injury.
flunking a test, striki~ out at som«me, siUing and b~ooding"aad'
so forth. A persoI1 who has been coll...in& gold stamps )IIayseelt
for .,~:hto improve his or ber job, 'iake a pl_urablevacatio...
_ m~e newfrietldS,!pa~up difi'erenceswith old ~ds; give lipt
dl!Structiver.laticinsbip, alld so forth, . ..' .

People a<;q1Jire COllectionsof difterettt sims and have di~t

compulsions as to when, wbere, an" how to redeem tbeir""U~,
fionl Som~ people wait years to "",h in a single negaiive ,slamp,
This was true' in Ken's ca5e, He recountej! how his !>tothercashed
in aj) ",!gei stamp ,thathe'd 'SIIvedagainsthim ror,m~y ycan. Q!ie
day. at play, his older hrother had demanded Ibat he reDl~ve.a
piece ofbrea,d .tram their'tpy raikoad track.,\ltho,\ghKenwas
only five, he had.stubboinly refuse,d.,Hisbrother. \hreat",,-ed. "I'll
never forget that Some day I'll really,geteven wi!hyo!'. "TJreir re-'
lalionship was good until some twenty years later, when'Ken .
called his brother for help wben,IbiS car broke down.out,in Ibe
country, Although his'brother had hel~ him often before; ,this
time be "r,ot e~en" and cashe!!,itl his s P'With "N~lbis ti",e,
Bd$ter, JUSI.remember the bread ODIbe track!" ',..,", .
,Some people collect the equivalettt of a page of .Is",ps iui4
", . them in fOTrelatively small priZeS-weeping in the bedroom, hav- tum
ing a headache, throwiltga di$h, dropping a pie, dre~ing"dQ~!m .
employee, spilling a file drawer, or mailing a'letter in the wrong
eltvelope. For some ~"ple,'.the prize is somewhat bigger. ."
,
'

'

, .
C... IlhaetratioD
AU day lo~ Jalle ~I(jwed bersmaU sOn to ,enter the h9'J1ie
., wilb muddy feet She acted patient, clC"'!ed. up lite m6<Land '.
"l'nt him 9utsidea8'!in: Later, he colored ber new chair with a < ..
crayolL Still withou~ showing disapproval, she moved I1jm to
anQlbetroom and cleaned up the.chair, The boy coltlin,!ed '

his tTallSgr"", ' iO ns ~ndshe continued (o'apcept them, final .y,

at the. enq of
. lite
. day, Jane had, "I1ad e1l?Ugh" (her page was
.
 218 BOflNTO WIN .
fllUand il w..lime to !'Cd~emlIer<ioUIl<rtiOl\).~ ber son
~;:: ~~~~~~;:;~ rbnm~~:':e;f.IY
,
.~
'§ome. peojitesave8everal'ix>o!"~ot8~p$ andtben teelj,,-,i-:
. lied WbeDtb~dO ~c;blbiDg$D~'~car;tUDaw.yfrom>, I
.
. bQl1l~IIIj1"'C
a;job~
tbCDi$d.~ 'QOtaslpte,~,a; ~~.
IIiO$t~'eded;"'v.; ~i{;8ftW."'I!O(~
elnpJoY"'l!1it..
:
.
.

" 1
'.~~;=~~~~~~"
.Of ~ty. 01 divon;ie.Am.Q'iClf!iOUplt,~, XJINII!~
.1!1
.
y~ts dley~'QOII~C\f /b1'~dllriti&~ I'Itft
'.. "; ,{;' ~'e ."
~'to'aco~aseIP;f;,'. ." ".
'(,
','r' 'r.
" A.~'!l\aY;$IIY.
, ,
..', .. ·
t'
'

'(,(
)(:i'"

.
(:"

.. 'rr.n"~.$~e"dalll.lion. ",eiiit, "'that'Sthe 1,,1 stamp I'

,~"I'sCiftlelO
, Cdb. iot';". piiZew-ol'lh,of my <io~_."
. II
. .,' ", ~
' .'

"
 '~
"
81«",,_ CoIl«ti;ng IIIfIi GQIIWPltlyillJ _ 219

usually happens that this laSt stamp represents a smalllhil1s com-

"
'

pared to what f"lIoWs. '

,
'
'

R~..IIIi!tS solds~ps may,be announce4 with ~ressiollS

such as '
-

"I'm ~y for a new challenge,"

"lfcelpKi ,(boutdoinsl\lis."
"~~g<>mgto as" tar Ii r- an41 IICt1ge!'it" ,

Tn 8WB4TsaI.TMB88Acnc
The uui~ Cbi\d ftcnwitb the Jiid<>filteUU\e Protes$or--stnds
a~messase !di>thersinordcr to enpgethem in~. "
f gam~ and sWIip collecting. Sendinssuch a message is:much"c
weeringa.sip "n !>lie'sciu:st IUidis CoIIoqUiollyre~tredtoas !be
, ...dahllirl. This ~rDI wastakOD from a youth fad, o.tw.JOrin~'
,

SWeatshirtSimprinted 1'Iithmessages.
,
P~le whost s\1i>ulders
mayw.-
~. '
wJto whine and 10QIi~
Iisweotshirtmess ihat..ys; .'PI
, ,

DQn.tKi"'~'i'
,

'

I'm a Victim," their in~e messages give their BSSDdatesa

either'l!> Put ~m dgwn()l to uytob"lp \heIn'"
,j:Omc-<IJI,
Pe"ple who look widc4!)'ed and confu~ may also be playjnll
'V4:!im,.weatins sweatsliirrs..Ying. ,"0.. WI!iz"what,canfoll ex"
pect from a footlike J11&r',They"act" dumb aIId then can'l,\nd.r~ '
stand ,why others are e~asperated. ,
,
,",

,
A men wean!'11a tweedjackel with leather elbow patcbes.IeUi,
inS hack ,in,his chair and looklllg sympatheticallyal hisvisit.n,
w~ile casuallyli$bting hisJ1ipe may p'rojectaRescuer 'SW~,""
,shirt, "You can tell me ,ollyoUf tr()ub\k" ", "
- A men wMoCpwlswith his chin jutlin8 0111;w~ ...ub,,ahellV)'
"
, s~p. and direcrs inaccusin8fingcr toward othersw~aP~
tor sweatshirt, "YOllBe~rQo What ISay, ot Woe," " '
"

'A \Y9manwho,'wearsa:rev~"!mt~t1uuors:~C1' .yt.i-..;,

end wigle&h.rbips has on an ~I'm available" ,sw""tsbirt.SI\C
,may want mentothinl\ she ... Resale them. Actually, she is a
Persecutor with her favorite- ~e otRapo.. Siie c.nplains like a
Victim.,,"The women at the olf... arc a bunch of crabs,, and the.' "

men arc alWays maflil\$ m,e." .,' "

1' at ,
Other popular sweatshirt messages readily ob6crvablellrc' '
 220 BORin't! WIN I
.
1'18Qoingto Get Youlf You !;>on'tWalel! Oul .1
.
.Lea!ton..Me, 'I'm Ihe Rock of Gibraltar
. Don't'Worry, 1'0 T~e(;are of You
, \
- I
. "
Yo\l'Vo]oSI.GOIto I..9veMe
.
I'm Belter 'rhan, Y00
.
.Catch M. If \'90 Can
.
Keep YOJit Distance'"
'.1' .
. .I'm So Fta&\l. . .
Oae "",mk,teporled h"viag~aI.w".~hirt:mcSs~SOtIIe
.Jao.. \lbvioos than o\Jl\>tS,Sbeal\8lyzedlbe frplit ofbet.w..~hln .
aa1")jJ 'soGOOtiand re.~Oa..ahtb.ack."~.~,sI1e~ the "

~tb
~. "Qo N~~urb.J
.weatsh,in,
May Nor DeSo Pllre;".()n~r~se.
tjUt(Im_ag~.whiehsbedettribed'
.,

"":~:YQo! (I IQvO'llomllllitybol~'t staa<lmy neish'1<>~~'

~'1tIoItipl.Ja~t..lped , IlerWl\h...,.\amp I1IIltei;t!onS;
w~.. forpori.ty an4r.d for ~8.Cr.. .' .. .,. ,', /
~ JD~Werepartofber ~ptpallern, w~...J!ise-
!l\loIIIgpeopleIillo false ,!).\iJna!,ybyrlgllteouSlybell''''* tlltfilanlt
(ty~,~l\lIqWIngtlJe!11at"diSlat!ec.'~theygot rop~. $lad; .
.woilk! s.,.itcb and $ive'tIIe!11thel)n,ub.'otTthroogb the os~!>r~
I
..
~'/'" " '.r,:~:~P;Fbf,by:u~ini_~1 ttaoirJ:op,ut.tio!ts \Vilh:8o~P.' 1'hi8-"~-
ij, .:' ~rve)'ljo'1('ftb..Betu'I"."..,.pm..h1'lsdcscri~.pelSoB...1.IQ
. . ,
:;; '. .'J!laysthis'l!l1rileasfoUOW,'-
.
i .The trsppe,. suckyou in I\lId&lve,youthe comt.oll. ""d..hon )'01/....
~.. in, <!owncomesth. batdiot and you.""", thor.wilba /;\oody DOH;
. s~
,.
.!Vall,",III):Ou 11eght
d. ~ wbtover. ADdifyou arc foal.oaou&!> to ram your head ~11h"
bleed an4bo .~perated;!I>O\I the bear.,...,., on~
,'" .
~ .~ . .h.ilII d eliP th .c6a~ .~e ""<iverJ<j\l ,Io~ .' dCry<i~:iriadC' . '
~.
.".> . .q1IaIc;i~'''''
'
. .and. he-.itjciyshisvi<lorioUssd(~Jlich
Y"
.. .
. .~aWtlorhis '
. ..
.

. .. .. . . . . .
r..bI W.*"".f8J.' . ", :' :.,..
'f:, '.
'. .
..,>(,": " '.. '. .
,.~~ IImag..o~.1'S ~-~.PPe~ t..I\"I!>~enli
~in.~~.
'~".'
"
KJlJ$lihlftm
. JIOIi.tO.
",,4 make pronii...
ThI!y'100klike.nice
(the !lait);.
~. ."
appear'IINi$IC'II.1II1i
.
.
.
,
:,. . ,', ,.,,': ",
':, ':.~. ,".' ','
" "
"
," ,":Yoo'U
. onli be \>0 ihis jo~ for a year." '.
'.
 Stamp CollectingrmdGamtPI(1yiltr .221

'~Of cOurse, you'll be: free 'to do pure research.' ,

.. "You,'v~egot a greaffuiurt\bcrc."
,
,
", I '
L~ter; Ib.e IraI' falls'When the employe~ fmds oul thai the job is nOI
soiRg10 chan!!e, "pure" research means company-orienled, or
there, is no fUlure ..ith this orsanizlotion19~
. . ,, . .. .
GAME~PLANE~ FROM THBdBIt;])B()OSTAn
- ,,,.: .:. ,:.' .
'
Wh eng am~sare piay
'ed
.',.'..' '.
.'
..'

Ii'?~ th e (:;IIiI.fts"
O$tal~' ,¥epet:$Oll '.' '.
pl!'Y
's,
,,:the~ , to'reinfon:c life pi)$Iuqns &lid $0 advance hill or herscnpl:
, , ,
, , ,

, Games are \lsu#!lyplayed from" the PerseC!ltOrorRe~uer roles to "

~inforce a negstive pi)siti()na~ulolhers, YoU ~ nol.OK()'O!i

,1\CCd10be punislled!'lt teSCU~d);()ames ~ played from the Vie,
limrole to reiOfpKe a negative position aDOUtCllesetf. rill, not.
OK (I need,you to,pllnish me Or f!'~ue me)"Let's,examine,!!,e!C ,

games, '
" "

Name of the,oame Pllrpo$e: lo'prO\l<O,

Blamil\g others If!1 Weren'jfor You're na"OK

<'f' "
'YoII'
SeelVlJal You
Mode M. Do '
, Savingoth.... J'in Qnly Trying, You're nol.OK
10 Help, You
Whal Would You
DaW/lhOuI Me
Findingfaull B!emlsh You're nQl-OK
....
, Corner
Oetting even P.qpo , Y oll'renal-PI<" .
,', .,,\ .
Nw l'~~Got' You~
Yau 8.'0:B '
~rovokingpllt ~s ,
' Xlck Me I'm not-OK
$Iup!d ,

"
 .
SldmP OH/«;'", tllfd GIInw Pftlying,
.
.
.:tHB "YES, BtiT>~GAME .'
Th~ $am.islik.ly to be Ye.. BUIiflhe .cbaitpcrson in"'bn~e.. .
1IIcclingpresents a problemall<\ tIIenshoo.tscion .uSUsgClltollS,
if'!pril\Pip;\l <\oest/l.sen,teWi\b teac!lerUI afac\l1ty II\ClCling.
ita,
w!'ftI"'" rejects all the be.lpful suggestion. i/ven by her friendS.
. People whop!ay ,es. BUI.m,ainlaiillbeposition ''}IIoliodts Joing
..;~~:~~O':~~I~~:;"~~~~~e:::y~~';:
~yl~ &0111IIII,
ag&1~t&,eil' parMIs. (You are n9!,QK); }
. ToWII/l~ tbispm..~"e PlA!~pte'senIs,!~mintb,eIUi8e'
c\ff91iciting a<lvice fl'om one Or more ot1iei~layers.1f.1\ooIiecl.lhe.. .
.
olln;rp"y.reclvi.~"Wby do,,'t you. . . ," The.initiatOr!!,..,'.. .
.~.u su~li<I"swJI\I, "Yp..bUl. . ."j1:>IICIWe4.by
''reasm.!.'','\','"
why the advl!'!' wnn'~.wort.EventuW1y; thci WhyPDII't..Y... 8!I<.:i,
. vice-glveifglveup/In<\f~ sileal.Tbis~ .Ihe:pay"ffof 111 11\.to ,':,.( .
, pt<Ive:lhe' jlQ$itlill1"'~fO!.ls C.'I T.I'~~ ~hl\rg."'. , .',., i.:'
'.,'
.,.. .n~sp$.etl\eCbild "I\pokt~l/leNurtii~~I\I. '.
,in 1I!00,Cbci p1aY~ .AltboQPtltetralls8clioils~ ap~ to.~
A4ultlC),.~ulIOIltb,eSUr1ace(. .I'V.l"lapr iII'1: .. UI'D~aa~:.,
la 0 1!letII
"}..II"r~rior ~@Ii is CIiiIdto ' . .
parent.('IJ'vCFta'
" . . . .. . ..
'.. ,.'
\!<!!bIern.Jusltfy to teU1II!'I/lHnsilrer. J wOI\'llel yo",");

,+,
,.,'~if' .

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!
.
 "
. .' Sl""P 'c_., Gonw Playi., . 227
"""
her SODby ")'ills. "V ou look lit'e a girl in that outfit. No wonder
the teachers.don't lit. you." '. . '
AJlholl.sl! Bemo deacri~ UprfIQTas a pm. played by 1W0peo-
- pie io.avoicl ~ iutim~, varla1lJiDS played iD o(U".,...:~
'offk:es aaiI ~ T,i;fnilial 'attaek: which aIIv coJItaiIU
. ays
a'
cIiJcoIlDt,Dli8/Jt'~: .'. ",,':, - ."j '..
_ . ' d
.
'. ,-,", ".
Bou.:, "
.,', ",'.
Hayoo'(youI~
',", "..:
.'
.. .",
bowtowntea ~)'..r '

(IOID~} ...' ',,: ", ,

", ';"
s«;;wy: ,'. ,\'w'41nUti\e:,.ur ~,jf:" w_~...,..
(lO'fiI~'cler1t). '.'. ,:' ", .' '.
) . ~"
s~: ~at'iltbiiJialte~w;thYO\l'~.YoIl~~
(10J4Iespenoa) , II' ~ the 11MpriJlti,nUteCOItu:iet?-.
". +:>'.
,
,'" '," .'.1" ""'.'.' _' .'
'.
':':-:' ,>"''',
IhoDl~ form of di:fen8iVtstatein~nl'is mlllle in.response ~~oIt!'
.tack; tJie fisItt i. 0II::nie' Payoff ",,_when tIie'd.IettW,~ .
.
~p in.angry. frUst,*~od ~cI ihet"'~.stamr a...~fto... ~ ~~ ;.,
'1._1
,:, , ,,' .:/;LV:<i'_..
,",,_.'

m. ..OOUR()OjI"~..
"
"
-"" .'
:1"":/, '

':"
: 'lI'~50"'~I~lead;~C""rJ~m.I"tb.*.~~o£~..':'
~'a.nd,ll1.
,
teeDl!g.daughter, botJi might seek out mottier to 1!O-d\!I.,
j... intJi.iralJlt"l<D1+ CQ/l~ is played witb t~or 1\11)~', .
p1~-Th."'-'WbOpiaYCriU'/tf!fJmfrcqu""iIy.oitfth~::."
wboill ebi\4lidOd1~ bowto ii\anipul l1thoriCytl$u «!.(.
.id<;~~..niI~!Ie ~!beilppjl<>l1tI\ts. TIi.ir~do,n.iS} , ,
.
I.DlQK,you.reROt.()~.;1be ~ ~I.s arcp~litT, cleft~
~j~..*'.lI\etim~.ther"'i. a J"ry-,-1hechikIrtR,.0f'f/CCktalf,' '.'
petIOIIIlel rm... bqard..or.~h.tever. ,
. '\ , ',".. ' '..'
M8tI;i.clCOU\>ltsol\<D!aItf lb~r,"cA$.7to a~~tojll~;,
..crtC!>~~I\I.Y tUl'.,I!Ieir8fli!V~,I;O;tb.bossor.!" 1fIOse!ll
. ...t~~;~f#i~~~~t
, li!'IfIe~,~yr ~ At,,~e~.Eacla ~u
, tiIk"t~.pi"";'
'!"!#
1IH!'!2$Ototlle~ti~,hOPiIl!""'t't,nc'oIbeI-)iI'iII he j~ed
poll!)",' C / '. > .; ,; . ...'.
.
T(JCg,.~,\ . . . ,I .
...', ,.' '".about
i\Viifas{tllOinliff:
, . .J'Y., ,alwftJ5 . been,. "'#\11
"money.
, 'fIi.n he ""erdraws t{lCI;heck .'
booI!; 5O~OW we .c.n't ~ay our, bills;
. .
I
'II
!
 I'D ...,
"!c:: I:""
:0- .
~...
-t:! I!'J' ~'"
,- ~<
-
"",
 1
j

"

")low stuPid \if me,

I forgot." '
I
 ~
,--.:----
,.~
,- ---
 'I,
SIQmp'CoIl«tfti'Md':(;-':P1«rl~g Z3
be," ",h<>'1i';',1iidd~nlO\)wclI /!lay C9l1gh ilr 'drop SOII!cthing as
. due tQlbe "<;:op." .' '. .
. .
A COf1$.and R obbBrS plll.jcr. who is , 'l!urglJot. Qr a.bank (obber.
. ,
mjll)" . t,ole..rc,adve .
. behindQr
. tQ*,mJl1iiiInn~v~n~
. . . . . i

.,or"a~daIi$1ILTIle '~I!W' is ittdq!ling Chili! ~clin)S ~

. . .

C<jm,

r:~~~;(I~~~~"f::~=::~:~~'.<.'
.lcavu.nQ~u. beIIil!d.i~Qids..n~~!.ncc. ~~'nQI'.:
in!<in<llO'f,cI~.) 'I,. ",,'/";.
Tb~d~iC$;ofC"" a#d~I'!lii..mj"'I9~() pIIJ~1AA! ,"
i
:,eomjllern...t~~,Q~t"Now1'we Gpt)'o",.fl>!f.S;~.B.Ii¥~tt4}'
Me; .' ":,, /-~ ,'./ ::, ",I,\';-'~,_;'"
'." -,' _'" i"'- :;" ";
 ..
i
I
I
I
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,.

.
 _
,
Stanip Colf«ting It,", Gimfl!Playing
, m
,

EXPERIMENTS .,\NJ>.EXERCISES '

'Whcn~y,eryou make,a mOVe toward autonomy. old, fceUngs may I,

re",indyauafhaw yau"Used 1,1'be." Being aware afhaw,you feel.
_
even ifi!, doesn'1 seem ralianal.sives -yall a' thanee lochanc~:_
. , . '. ~ ,'. .',
".' " '. "'.

1. Your Btani. ColleCtIon

~
.
Some, feeliit~are geo.i/ne all". relevanL' However. If~,! ~x" .
>Idt yaurfeelings;lf Iheyare inappropriate to t!te "uneftL$il-
tions, yau are saving stamps, 1'0 di$(;over\your.;oU!'QIioII.
.cOnsidert\1efonOWingqueslions. ,.' ': "",'
oln childhaad wh~itlhlngs werelOush;eril<it!6ns high. oHroll"
hle)Vas bie",ing, hl'w did,you uS\I8Hy feel? . ..
,.What did yausee. hear.arinlui~ \hat causell youtafeet IlIa\!:
'

waf!. """ ' .,~ "(;:""

,','

.,:,"" '.',~,"o'::>~'i,""

o Whal fe.lings (stamps) da ydfi:experience mosl colnUli»llyd' '

a'grawn-up when lhing!,S<> ~rang?Fear?

U1adequao/l"
,,' . .
An~r? Guill?
, Helplessness7Anx~y1 Whal? '
,,"' ..\ ' .,'.
.. ill, Whal,kinli of siluatian dOes. this
".
aid (eell'!8 emerge? I.!! '
, similarII' a childh~-sltualian?
, ",
~'.",
,.',
", \,
".
.00 yoU cash in your stamJ1$ freljuellliYby indul~t.in a 10.11I
sull\?Blowing aftsleam~Ha.ving a trying jag?' OJ)~s,~n,,
binge'! Overdrawi1'\g yauf accOunl? t;;xplaliingat S\Cinlepile?
. Do yausavey~rsla'mp. for:abig coUecliQf\?, " "

,o'ifyau aren~ collecting. ~QW9oYQO iljlend'1O c;;,.h Ihemin?

,

.
,
Da yQD have a prize ill.f1Iind? ". '
' ,

Where dO YQUredeem ypur Slaf1lPS?'

,
-
., ,".'
",' ,"
"
o:PQ.y'!u!1<!lledlheminQnes'e\1/n.and re(ieem Iheru.i",,()I~. "

.er;~9rex~lnpl~, colle<;!al work ,aIld .c~h-inat bo~~

"
,
.
"
The follbV(litg.~x.rci... will help youi,nlegtate speci1icre~!"...'
lhal w~re condllioneli in Ihe p~SI.a1'\\lare b<.thetsOmem,tbe
~--_._--_.-
 . . ~ian'lrCQ//t!CIing 1I~ GtiIJ'.t!PlaYing' 235
. ~ook at. yourselfin a: fIIJI-lengt.h mirror.pxamine~ow you
.
.
appeu:
.'
front.,'rear,sideways.
"'. .
· Slarta
.
clOseexaminauon from !he IOporyour ~ad 10 the
base of yo,,\" neck. See your skin, feat.ures, and ~air lISdley I
really are. ." .
. , ,
. Now
. ""nliDue on doWn 10..your. IOeS,

. see?Not.icea1lythin8~u
.

hadn't. noticed ~re?

. .
Does !he image youcarryin your mind lit with ~ ~.iil.)' You
Does it.Rl8JI;e
I,

y~ufroWnorsmile~ '. .....

~. doyUuknoww~.rou.
~,y~~=nO:a:J.;~::;,)?ehild-:or
Next., inwhat. afeasdo yo.. aef inaj:lpropriat.elydependent. 0.-
helplc:ss? . . ... ....
. . Willi 1I10n~y?Making decisions? Driving? Seleet.ingdOdtes?
What.?'.. .'
.'
. W-idlw~omdo you adhelpl~s? Widl whom do)'!.>"ad COlliS.
peIet1f! Why
, die.ditTerenee? ., ".
- .'
. .
.' - '. ,','
. What. '
ad,vantagef do you have tlYaeti.ng helpless? Does it give
yoI' ""~trol ovetSOIl1_? Do.. it."...Vt" ~ou from some-'
thing?' .
.
. . ';
I
.' .'

Ifyouar.lc.verlY ~nd~1jt uPOI\ot.bersfor support.. ;magi". i

Iheopp<>sire,visualiZe yoorself in a situat.ion)Vit.hDdlera wlto .
are able t.o depend.on you, 'Oil t.his for short periods ever a

i
\.
.
weekt-s time.
WheR you feel re~dy, do
ined yourself doing. _
'
~ a<omall
..
"

way wh~t. you have imag:

.

. Then
t.'Y your CORlpet
skill, ~1"'I.teer t.ohelp ia communityl'robt
".-
c:i.. on a larger seaIe.:t. ry out. a DeW
plan awe.k-
.
- eDd,'exeul'81<1n, mak.ea lIeclsion lhat.has been haogiJ\S over
. ' YOllrhead, dO~lI)et.hing fOf)'P rself that ydu've aJways let
"t.hera do for YOll.
. . . . .'. I
"
.
Perf«ti/ll. ,
.
If yOn I\Jssundulyover details at. work. youra.r; ~1"th~.IiIes, '

d..k; theyard,'1iIe house, et.<:.,make'IIP an txercise dlat. exag-

gerates your eompuisive perfeetionism.

.
 236,
.
far example. if yoII try ta have everytlii"g perfoct,exaggera!!'
_your movements,i.e., russwi~ tl}e dust. str~ighten and fCt-
'.
BORN rc WIN,1"

, ,$1t'lightcn the papers an, yaur desk: ,

' "

" .,y erbali~ as 'l(el1'as act 1')11yallr sympt\1""'''Sce bow perfect I

I
I am, ! adll\irt ",.becaIiS~ !'m~a perfecl. I can .xnuratpC?-
Jl!el>ecau~rlJt S<?pctfcct.N\>\>a~
,,-,'
caa put m. down,
. I~",so I
'ptrfect," "'. '-'- , .< -"::'\~'
.." ..',
.. ,";. .. .., ..
," ..
~... :
· Wlten )'Oll' beJin tti feel4riven l1Yyour tletfecti""isin,repAl. .
.-"
" "

, : :his e~e-:~ exa88eril~~Yi!urbehilviar,' '

, , :', '.' , '
<CQnsia.r,theie 'I~ons:' ~, " .
, .
. :r: '.. ,J:.' r.o,:_
., .,' :i",'" '.,' ""._',, '
"", "_.'
:~W~J \>ll1~'JIIOlJ'l!'pe'aml plaYingt)l8I"J'YS!haYe~a~ pet':'. '" '
,
"

,feet. ,.. ,
. ~ :
" .' ' "
'~Whatfeeiinp dOl, ttvoid.bytryil1g
"
W act per(ect?
"
,,- '

,
.
~,I{ow.dQe...pe;~#on~maffeetm~"use.;clill!e'!(
"
~hal'~
,
','.'..

in:l\R?rtant
,.,"
enaugltto
.' : .".,'

b. d6rieperfecljy1Wbat,ixa't?
',-'
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,-'_,_\,"""

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'

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, ','1Jei"~~;MIP : ."'~-:.'.
, ,'-",';'
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.. ': ':,': ";"':",..: : ':' ,'-'.".. ',:
',. ,:, '',: ~"
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:
'," "::~i" \",'
':'
\\Clten~. blu~ ~\an; lakea,~ .<':''-''
l<1Qk'lltyqunelfil:l,Ij>e~, '
'-Sl':''!y y,\>!'{rate catefully. w~ do y6u 1001:like h.n fi1u'r.:
, depressed. ,: ,,': "
' "
.
~, N~": look al your.i,ntl\'C"booY. !'law .r~ youh~ldi~W
shollldet'S,.yaur blln:ds,YOU(a,*,mcn, ete.?,,,' , :, . .. ..
," ','," '.. "/
, -,,' ~"
., Do YUuresemble "
a' par.lil ligure? , '
" ' '"

. . <'.
'. -/
eN\>w ..sgg.rate your Jymptams",' af'. depression. " "..

'.
"

Fhsl. exaggerafe' Your facial ilnd bod» expression."

.., ,
i,.. ;,i,' ,.,' ..,:' :
.." '.' ""..: '-,.':'
.'Ify\>u tend II' witlidraW'lIIldsulk, curt up in,a,baH, cover up
',..
" _~
-',

yourhead,'Stjcl(.a,J1 yoilr lawiir!ip. anl1suik, in'. big WilY,' ,',. f ,

,
-",', ,i...,"
.': ',,"'~"j., ','-::, ': "i'-<
',_' ','",~" : "';:>: ' "~;
,. Jl\YlgiparybllcketS.
an~Jilj :'

I~:;~ f~ ~"e~ :~Ih .'

"

:'~~\t~' ,
. .,i;xaggerale ,any sy~pla", 'you're ~w,art :of, ."."
.
. Now ~m. aware~f bOlvyallr bOd'yfe,!~ ,when depre~,
,
"tryon fednp tl,ihl,ai~t1d Yw~s~a~lder$~n4n~ck,ttY,t():I1is.
, c()V~twh.lher i\re tenseness ISr~lated ta a paru<:ularpel'l\OD,
! '.
 Stomp CoIl«ling and Playing 231
Ga""
. Ifit is, say softly, "(Jet off my back." If this phrase "f,;!s," sayit
louder and louder, increasing your power until you arc shout.
ing. ..
Now askyourself<
. What else could I do with this time if I weren't silling here.
feeling. miserable? '

N~xt, ~everseyour dcpressi~n symptoms.

. If your eyes look sad, your month droops down or something
<simihtrf reverse youf.expressioq. .
.

, . If your head is hanging low and your shoulders are drooped,

raise your head high and pull your shoulders back. Thrust
YOUf,chest forward and say. UI am notrcsponsiblc" for every.
.
thing and everybo,dy!"Of_'~I'mOK."

,
Fear
Sit down and think of all the things or ,people 'you're afraid of.
Write a list of them.
. ,.Take your"listand'im,agine being Cbhfronte'd'with' each ,item

.on your list. One ~ a time.;

Exagge'rat~ the experience" (~~era11, 11'5only fantasy);
. What's the worst thing that. could happen?" ,
. How wouid you cope with the worst?
.

Now try the opposi~e ~eeli~g of fear-tietceiress.

.Look fierce'enough to make someone afrai~; of you.
-

. tv10ve.aboutthe room being fierce toward objects in the room.

,Feel your power when being fierce. .
Now switch back and forth, first exaggerate y<,>~rfearfulru~:ss
(be afraid of all the objects in the room), and then exaggerate
your fierceness., Did you get;any messages? If your fear is of a
, ptfrson, you know, pr,etend the person is behind you. .
. How do you feel? ... .\
-

. ~rurn this person into' a huge bear or some other frig~tening

animal. Now how do y.oufeel?
. '
 .
,238, B.o~N TO WIN.
In y()l1ffantasy world,look around (or something1hat wou!d
pleast this animal. T~m calmly and_do something good for this
'
fierce creature. What happens? ,
.'
I

If you' are botheJ"Cd with recurrent frighleriing dreams' that

soineone or something is chasing}''''', toll yourselfthal the next
lime you have such a dream; you will turn and face youradvJr'
sary. Remain ConIi~ent and calm. You will be in contrOl dftlle
. .',
,~
situation. ' " '. ,.' -
.'
" ". Now in fantasy ima:Pnc YOJlrse1fchasing ivh6ll\ever
W' Q<wb!II'
ever'frigh\enCd you in
,
the dre8R1' Visualiu ,
yoursel( , as being,

big and-st",ng.
'". "
"

Guilt'
. .
If}'OIIfrequendy feel guilty, it i..1ikel)' thai you ~ pllniSlring
yours<:lf.Imasine yourself in a courtroom. V"" are on trial.
Look the ,scene over oare(ully. .

.... Whir is at the trial?

. Who is the ju..e?

If there is ajuiy, whl! i. onil? .
'

.Is there someone there to defend you? To prosecute (~

,

cole) }'oo? , . '

,

,. Are there obseivers?lf SO,What d9they want lhe veJ"<lictlo

be?", , .
. Is theve;dict guilty ~r ~Ol guilty? If guilty, whalls th~ puriltltt.
ment? ,
'
'

.:NOW defend yourself. Speak '\!p 'on your own bellall"'

IfiD your inlier dlalqguc you play a se/f'torture giI!IIe"tween
your Parenl as judge and your Child as defendanl. be these two
po1ariti&,
.
usingthe two ow... , .
..' '. '.," ;,.' "
.. put theju,,*" (top-d<!gJon one 8IIdthejlldged (under.doIOall,
the other. SI8ft your dialogue willi an _lion. TIter\;
switching to die ,other cl!air, present your defeAse. '

I ",'.

., If YOU,feel guilty during your Ove~y,.divit.ies. steip a', .:

moment 'and verbalize your
,. top-dog andJlnder-dog inner
dialqgu... ,
"
"

\
 CQlltc:ti"gand Gamt PIf1)'lng
. ,Stamp 239
Now consider the questions:
. Do you frequently apologize and/or look guilty to avoid re-
sponsibility for your actions?
.
'. Have you been trained to coUeet guilt stamps, or a~e you real~'
Iy guilty in some significant waf! .

If your- guilt comes. from a "crime" you have actually commit.

ted against another or from an important thing you failed to do,
ask your1elf: _

. Wha.t is this burden doi~ to my life in the prese~t1.

. . What am I doing to others becauseof it? Is there now some-
thing I can do to rectify the situation?
. ..
. If not. oan J learn to accept this as past history, which cannoi
. .
. be changed?
Have I ever seriously cOnsidered forgivingmyself1
could forgiveness mean in my life?
What
.
Sometimes, talking .bout it helps. Seek Ollt someo". who is a
. good listener, who will not betray your confidence, whowill
neither condemn nor condone Jour behavior. Talk to that per-
son about it. .
Forgiveness .may' be easier if you "make it upu in some way
tow;ard someQne who needs' a second' chance or ,a helping hand.
Involv.ing yourself in cor.recting some of society's injustices may
help yon as well as society. Don't play the role of Rescuer, be
. - ,
one"!

A ~x;ety
If YOll frequently experience allxiety, ask yourself:
. Am I deStroying the moment by concentrating on ehefuture? _
. Am 1 anxious because of eX!1ggerating it problem or procrasti4

. nating'] "

Is there anything I can do now to allay the anxiety-firlish

report, make a Iist, retutIT.the book, call that person, .tudyfor
a
.'

the exam, make that appointment, desig!1 an outlin~, finioh

.
that cleaning job?
Next; try ~ "now" experience. It's difficult to be anxious !f
 2AO BORN TO WIN
,
you'rduny in Ihc hcre anoll.ow. FocllS your complctc at!cntiolt !
.ocIon_d
on lheexlU/fiJ1 wodd. (See Excn:isc 8, pp. 177-118.)
Tunc in yool ~.
you.'
,
Becomc aware of !he sigh... soWlds,
:

'

. VcrbaIizc in a li.tcral way what you CJlpcricnce. Start your

llatcrncnt wilh "H"", aod now,{ am aware. . . .~
"

,
I

Next, ,foeIq)'Ol1r ,OOmP.leICatlcJ!tionoD yo;'" in~naJworld.

,
,
. TUllc in to Ihc 'world, of your body~your akin, lIIusclca,
' tJIin&,1iearIheat,cte. ' '' " ',','
,

, .A.pin verbaliZe statclllCDISwilh "Here and ,. now I am aware.

. ",.
.
'~

After cfojng ~ for a few minutes" askyour.clf:

. DidT,* somc of my-.es and not otbcn1 ,

· WbOa If~
,
on my body, did I i~cettail1
(In 11ais,CltJlCriDlcnt ...my !*>J>1cignorclhc
~ofit1
fact th&\1hcy
.
. bave §!niJa\saodexttctory organs.)"
{fyou fiodlllat,YI'u havc liot lISCd,aIJyO¥'"sea~ ,*ba~ been
WIII!,arc of pans of your bod)'. rcpea\ the ""erase; paying,
sP""WaUerttion to Ihe ignorClfareas. '

. Eaoh time 'yi>lJfeelYi?u~ becOming atUjo baVC.a no,!"

experience.' , ' ...
Anxiety and bieathingdifiroUtty go together, When 'you be-
mll\C amioIu, pay attention to y<Jurbrcalhing.Petis suggests
!he followingexel'Ciie:
'

,
Exh8Ic~y, ~rIrftVe_Thoa b...tbc~y,~...re .
'_,
_
QCII1<<ilh., twithoutrorcins-c...)'OI1 ree. ,tile Or ;..
'
;:=~=:::~J::;.:;:..~~:;u:;~:
MtQ~ ,_W kn n",air it
"
, , , , ,

your
,'

~ , ' duria&liIbaJarion?
,
' ia? I1d yo
Callyou reelthioiI1~soIIIy
, ,
, "bold -0'"
'iII
,

"JIll oIft\le IIODIIicbaa!I ,tbepclvil? Call your... your ribS expand On

your sides aa!I 1 NOIjOotbe Ia._ QCyouru.-.: youi jaws;
',!hecIos11Ieof tbc Pay attontion eIpociauy totbe IiPtn... or the
mIdri/T(cIiapbrip). Coacenlralc oalb...1etUioas aa!I allowdCYeIop-
(14). .' "

'.
 Siamp C"ll«ting Qnd GQWWP/Qying.. 241

The next time you feel e~citement over a person, situation. etc.,

...
b=me aware of your breathing [15].
Do you hold your breath?
If so, what are you holding back?
TI)' breathillj\ more .deeply.

Anger

Jhe desire to hurt and des\roy others often accQmpanies feel-

ings .of anger. . '. .
If in childhood yoUfrequently fell angry toward a parent figure
and currently collect feelings of anger against your . .,.,..
spouse. fellow employees. teachers, stlidenlS,.etc., tl)' role-
playing. 'use the chair technique.
. Imagine ~e person who bothers you sitting opposite you. Say
aloud how angry you are and why.. .
. Become aware of your body's response to your anger. Do you
restrict or hold back wi!h some part of your body? aenell
your teeth?Fist? c:olon1ExaggeratCyour restriction. Whal do
you discover? .
.
. When you feel ready. reverse.your roles and be lhat person.
Respond as if Ibe o!her person were actually !here.
- Continue the dialogue. swileliing back and forth.
. If you strike a phrase .thal fits or feels goOd.snell .. "Stop
\tying 10run my life St~p hurting me," "Stop embarrassing
me," "Why didn't you protect me?" re~t the phr_ sever-
al limes, each lime louder and louder until you a,e really .
shouling. :
Next. stand on a sturdy stool. Imagine the person toward whom
.

you feel anger is cowering beneath you.

.l.ook down at this person and state what you are angry about
and why. Say alllhe !hingSyou've always wanted 10say and
. . never dared. . .
If you feel like changing posilions, do iL
.
'242 , B08N TO WIN
Some people need s,afe melhods for dispelling their anger phys-
,
,ically.This r~quires a "Ielling go" (16).The following exetcise is
only for Ihose in good physical condition. "

· St,and by'a bed or a sofa, raise your arms above your 'heael,
clench your listS, arch your back, Bring down yO'~r lisls and
pound. Increase your force. Make noise":'gn.rn~ groan, weep,
scream. As words emerge, say Ihem oulloud. YeltExhaus!
, yourself.. .
.
.
. When you C<1me10 Ihis point of e><hallSlion\Jr "relief, lie,down
,and,tune in 10,your bo<Iy and 10 your feelings, Tak,e ,at least
liveminules. What do you elistover? "

. As a vr.riationtry beating on a punching bag or shad",wbOxing

, ,wilh strong movetilents. Make sounds with y",ur movementS.

R.son'"",nl, ;
'",
-'
Any negative SIamI'collection!s usually accompanied by feel.
ings of r.scntmept. .Resentmenl is often a "demand
. thai liII
, .
otherpersonful gullly" [J7]. ' '

"
When yop bccoll1C' aware thai your resentmenl is grOWIng, han'
dIe ,each silualion as it occunand with whom il oceUn ralher
thaqCOlleclingand holding your feelings and perhaps cashing',
Ihem in for a ~ig prize or on. an "inn<>cent"penon. '
. TI}' 10talk the problem o~erwith whQever isbusAins you.
. When you. alternplth\s,avoidaccusinB Ihe olher.
. Tell the other,penon bow the situalion is,affeciillg you; \,lie
thepronourtUI" instead of an accus~Ltive .'you." (fbr~x~m-
pl.. "I don't like smoke; it bOlhersme,"j\lstea<:\ of "You're
.
, . you blow your smoke around,").
really Ihoughlless the way
' - ".
Ify<lu are in a family group,ll}' lOestablis~ re..nllnenland ap'
preciation sessions. To bee/'fective the procedure has definite'
rules, to follow: " .
. .Bach,'persOn in 'Iurnverbally Slales Iheresenlmelt/S'Sheor he
holds against the olhers. (It Is imporlaht Ihat lhe otherjlisten
but 40 nol'd./.nd Ih.mulvu. The slatemenlS of resentment
are to be tet oul bur not reacl~dlo.)" ,
. After resentments have been stated, each pCnon "lells the olh.
ers 'what is appreciated aboul them:

/
 S'amp Collec'ingand GIIIM Playing 243
. When first learning how to conduct this kind of sessioD, do it
daily. Latet, after it can be done with ease. do it on a weekly
basis. '

In some. working situations resentln~t and appreciation ses--

sionscouldbe ...ful, ,P"rlicularlywh.r. peopl. worktog.th.r '
clo..ly and personal IrritatiOns occur .asily.
If it is tri.d, all m.mb.rs sh~uld agr.. to 'a trial period-say
"
two months.
At the .nd of this p.riod th.IIS.lUln... of th. procedure could
,",be r.-evaluat.d. If the participants d.cided 10conti,nue,th.y
could' d.cid. on adaptations anti .stablish r.gular ion
times-meeting 'on~ every two or three weeks Or wh.a~ever
s.emed practical. '

Other Feelings
_ If you have a both.rsom. f..ling that has not been d.alt'with in
.
th.e previQus ~xercises,
. . Exaggerate your symptom-mo~ around, make. sounds" look'
at yourself. '
-K.epin touch with yout body and .xagg.rat. your bodyreac-
.
lion. .

. Reverse yo~r feelings and experience the. opposite.

- D.v.lop a top-dog/und.r-dog. dialogu..
. Assume some responsibility for .your own feelings. For exatn-
pl., inst.ad of saying that "it/,h./h. d.pr s m.;' say, "I
am allowing mys.lf 10 be'd.pr.ss.d,"

3. TraciDIL Old FeeilDII8 '

The ne~.t.time you are aware that you baveoverieacted or react-

.d inappropriat.ly in a situation, try tracing your f..llngs back
10 the original scen." (18). ,
'

- As soon as th. situation oCCUrs,

, ask yOurself, "What am I f..I-
ing right now?"
. Dia~ (p. 215)usedth!s technique. Y o:u may wish to review this case
 _
244 BORN TO WIN !
. Is there another feeling under the surface feeling? Anger
. under the guilt? Fear under the hate? Helplessnes~under the
'

. anger']

.. What does it remind you of? Whe", did you feel this hefore?
Go baclt to the original scene..
Where.was it?
.

.
. Who wl\5 the director?
Who were the characters?
. What role. were played? ..
. !i.owdid you feel? ..
Role-play the Scene i(you have other People to work with, If
ypu don't; try to.act out the variouspttrtsyourself.
'

4.Your Sw..~.hlrt M_apa '

.
'?oYou send,~ple.messages1hatcause ..
them to SaYlh~tyou.
ar~
"
as-'wiseas an,o,wl, ~',sna'k~)nthegrass,. _ a wolf,
proud as a .peacoclt, a skunk,. hen-pecked, .
stubborn as a mule, stupicj.tstrongasan ox; .
.little more thana stua. a.poor fisb. . an old crab.'
<tazy as a loori. . sly as a fox... : happy as a .Iarlt,
snealtyas a we~sel,. gentle as.a Jamb.or .
clumsyas a bll11in a china shop? .
.
. If so, how do. you give the~ this impression? What pdslure.
facial expression. 8estu~e.tone of voice..etc., do you use?
Now.a~k at least five otber P!'ople [191howlheywoultivisuarize .
you as .
,.
acoldr; o country, . a kin~of food. 'musie.,
,,'fOl11ousperson. \ .. kind !>fweathet, kind of ,do~. "
! partefthe body. articleofclc>thing; a type ofliterature.
, a . piece of furniture,
.
I
., ~., .
'
"
After gathering the above feedback. study it. Then consider
tb~se. quest~ns: .
'
 . S/amp Collft'tlnJ!, and Game Playing
What messages .do you send others to cause them to see you
r 245

. Ihis'way?
which of these messages are come-ons? PUl-offs? Put'-downs?
.PO' you have a colleclion of sweatshirts tharyou wear differ-
/ ent places. with different people? '.'
,
I
/'
'.
Are t~ese the messages _youwanl lo send? If not, what could
/ . you do differently?

"
5. Script Check List

Rea<l the following quickly, Write in the first thing that comes
to mind. Then go back and fill in the1(!anks after further
thought. Work on completing the checil"t1st [20) as you ,finish
this book.
'
. Rate how you feel about yourself amr" olhers most of the time.
.
I am OK' I am not-OK
Others Other>
are OK' arconot-OK
Things I feel OK about _
Things I'fed not-OK about ~ --~-
Now rate,yours~lf in reference -to.sexual ,identity.
I am OK,.. I am. not~O K
(male/female) . (male/female)

Men are OK, ,

Men are
not-OK'
Women are OK Vlorne-n are
not-OK
My Sweatshirt message.,
My Stamp collection .
, Th~ ways I cash in my stamps
The basic l1lanlpulative tole
(Persecutor, Rescu~r. Victim)
Complementary roles of __,played by my
 246 B()RN TO, WIN
P"""rite games I play:
as PerseculOr with whom?
as Rescuer with wh01"?

.. Victim with whom,

Kind of scrip!
'(lX>DsUuCtlve, dcsl1'uctive, nonprOductive)
Sorlpt theme
Epitaph if curtain fen noW
.

Type
. of drama .(farce,tragedy, melodrall11l, sag&; <:omedy, etI::)
)\utliencc r,c,sFO"¥'to my drama . .

".
. . .
.' (applaud*<!, bon:~ awed, tearful, hostile)

New s«lpt if desired

.
N~cpi'tap~ If wanted
Con!m~ with self for new script
,

,
9
The AdultEgo State
, ,
'

Man"r1nind stretched 10 Q netyidea

never goes ~k .to its original
dimensions. '

Oliver Wendel(Holmes
'

People ofte,n feel unable to get out of a distasteful or unhappy sit-

uation. They assume-they are t'rappedin ajob. in a community, in
a marri~ge, family; or a way of Hfe. They dO"not see the alterna-
tivesof looking for a new job or. improving the one they bave, of
movingQut of the community. of changing their marriage"pat.
terns, of break.ng off a re!litionship, 0< ofloving and disciplining
their children more effectively. They limit their perception of the.
problem, not seeing possible options or an obvious solution. They
use one narrow "approachand repeat ,this approach over 8;ndover
even though it obviously doesp.ot res'Jlveor change the situation.

THE BASH TRAP :PHENOMENON

.- . .
Sometimes" people's reluctance or refusal to look at thctOtal sit-
uation, results in their avoiding. the obvious-the obvious,diagno-
sis, solution. escape route, dc.Berne refers to avo.~dab.ceof the ob-
v;ous as a "bash trap." When people are caught jn a bash trap,
they compulsively continlle \0 bash themselves against the sa.ne
situation. Theyar. much like a goat bUlling its head againSt a rock
wall, wanting something on the other side b~t not observing that
there are ways of getting there other than 'headebashing. They ex-
pect that if they.just keep crying harder and harder, they will .
somehow break throllgh the baITier and gel what they want
Ptople causht in bash traps often express themselves verbally
with statements. such as,; '.,
24H
,,
, 248 BORN TO WIN '
ul push and push and nev~r g~t ,anywh~~.»
"Day after day f f~1 as ifl'm hitting my h~a4 against a brid<
wall." '.

, "I'v~ trioo,fQr y~ and ~'t get anywh~re.» ,

"1'vetQld that kid . <Werand

,-,
~vct and can't SC(througbJl>
- .
.him.'.. '. .'
'..-,

'A ~~it wbQ Strengd1ens,th~M"'[I'J<>~~tc,,,,,,, ~p bash'

.
~;~~~n~~~1'::;.~i~t~~'t=
Qtij~tiv~poiJ1t"foo;. usmgth~flill~I7Oftbe A~Dlttolc$!
realitY,lC),scek'
altcm,ati""sointiQIIS,.to
cstbnidJO
~nc:cs
"QC,~ach alt~rltativ..aBd 10 mak~ a chOic:C. . ','

THE ADULT BOO STATIC'

EvC/'X<>nc
has,anAdulttgc>statc; aA4unJ.s.the brain is severely
~d, everyone is ""pabl~Qf ~ ,Ai\ult"'ta'~"\18
.
abi/jty. The often ar~ qU,.nOf qiaturity venUS iJIIIt!.atUrity
'. " isJmlevant in'$h1JCturalaftaIjIis.What illcalled "Imsnatnnl~ is
'-fhi)dllte ~baviot ~habitl!8l1y, Bn4inappropriately: ,
,""TheAdult ~gostat~ ~uHd to reason; to evaJ~ltstiml!fi, ,to
pther,teChnical information. and to store this,infonnatiODlOrfU-
,
t1ir~~fere=.' It also "'hl..a~tQ,.<UNive ~tIy
<' andtQ "",_ ,- $elec:tivdnmaking responses. B~cl\8ys.the
.'. Adult is{ - ',' - '.
.'
"
. . .~ iAdepu~' set of feelings..auIt~ and behavior P.altetllsduot
m,adap~ 10the CUJ'l"iII
re8Iityand affected by _tal prejudi' ",

""'Of aic$itudes ..1Io""r from,chUdbood... ,the AdultIIthe...

.
~.. wlfichmates,
, sum"'" poI8ih...[I] .. --
,prin<ipally CiOIICCIJIedwith transfbnniDg llimuli, inlD pieceS of bJfor'
" '.
,~. 8nd~g8nd,liIiagduotinfl>multionORtbe
.
bOIisof~,
.
'\!XpIIrien..,.121 '
' "
. . ,_..rned";;ththea~...J""'~.andl"~ordata8nd ,

.
tIIe iliIgof poohabiIj1iio$...~r;;;"oction.I3J' ,"
>' .' '.' .' .-
. . ~adalitahle,
" 8nd;.".1\' ~ is,eXporim&:ed
ai "*'"
tiYt"laIi(>Oshipwithlbe-.Da1~b.,.;J
,. ..__.._.....
ityl~.11-(41
II
!
 J
!
. 111~Aduh EgD Stal~ 249- i
I
Reality testing is the process of checking out what isreal. 1.tin. ,
volveS'separating fact from fantasy, traditions. opinions, and ar-
chaic feelings. It'includes perceiving !'I'd evaluating the current
situation I1ndrelatiJ!.g the data to pas\ knowledge and experience.
Reality testing allows a person t",figure out alternative solutions.
A person who has alternative solntions caR then estimate the
. probable CQnsequences of the vanQus CQurses o(action. The Adult
ego state's functions of realitr testing I1nd PfObabilitr. estimating
serve the purpose of minillliz10g the possibility of fatlure and re-
gret I1nd increasing the possibility of creative' success.
. A person d'issa~fied with a job but programmdl "tostic)< with
it no matter what" CI1nreflity ~t this value I1nddecide whether or
~ot it is appropriate. A person whO:.decidesthat "sticking to it 'no
matter what" ispotgoo4 caMearch out alternatives on the basis of .
his or ber capacities, talents, interests, job oppurtunitie:;, and
so forth: To ,gather ~ta the person can visit a voca~'onal coun-
selor~ get job aptitude testing, seek, interviews with personnel
manag~ study want~a~ ,send for:and read material about ca-
re'eroppo~uniries;
Thepe..soncan carefully sUUly'wbat she or he really'wants in a
jOb-securi,ty,-a flexible time scbedule, an expense account, _travel
3.Ss,ignments.re,gular hours. an intellectual,challenge. a chance to'
he with people, or whatever. The person can deci(k;which satiS-
factions are the most I)\eaningful a,ndin what ways to compromise
these satisfOctJons if necessary. The person can then select av...l-
able alternatives, estimate the probable CQnsequences, I1nd.adopt
a course of action.that win otTer the muimum satisfaction.
The criterian far fun.cttaning fram nie Adult ego state is not
. based on, the correctness of. the decisions, but on the process .o.fre-
ality testing I1ndprobability estimating I1Ywhich the decisions are
made. Colloquially, ",his isyoor Adult meanS: 'You have jost
made anautonomou~ .objeCtiveappraisal .of tk~ situation and are
stating these thooght-processes, or the problems you perceive, or
n
the,conclusions,you have come: to.. in 'a non-prejudicial . mar\ner.'
(5).
'
Th. quality of decisions. will depe?d on how'well informed the
.
Adult is and how well ,the Adult can select I1nd us. information
from the Parent I1nd Child. However, person's olecisions, even If
,basc<ion compute~ facts. are not "necessarily "right'" Being
hU!'1an.we sometimes ha"e to make decisi.onson ipcomplete,data,
and w~may draw the' wtQng concI_usions.
 250 BORN TO WIN
An old woman may look before she steps into a »reet but not be
~nscious ora rapidly approaching truck.
'"
,
A young man may weigh. all the focts he ean obtain lrefor~he
aci:eptSa newjob, only to findlater !haltbeboss has alol1e!iQnie
: and ,
demanding' wife., ", , " '
,
,
"
A scientist may work years on a research project, then failIor
lack of one piece of essential knowledge. . "

, .~ ' .'
. '., 1.
Some,
"'" people know mlllly fa<:lSin.otd: areaJ'ui few in. others.
, .
,,' '. ",-
, A,~mpete'"
" hanker may be a novice
.
in So!ving probl~. in-
i, _-volvj.ng :human relations. , '. '

A competent homemaker may be inadequate in IldiscusSion ,

.
of turbine' engines. .'

A ~mpetent
'iUn~.1S.
mechllnic lIlay be unable to diagnose Il chil'd's
,- -
~ . ,',
. , ,"
.

EGO STATE BOUNDARIES '

.'. ," .'. . .

......
!
A J>eI'S9D 'ssense of real self c.n be experienceci in aIIrof the ego,
"'. -.'

sq.!,e., depending on ,where the free psyohicenergy resides, that

pllrticulaitime. When the senseofrelll self is experi~hcea "" in one
egostate, the others maY be ina"1ive.fI'Iwever;th~oIh,",~.IlI-
"
WIlYSthere and have the potelltlal to betome,llct!ve.'
,
~1' the tl\Qment thepe~n is expressing Parei1ta1 anger."he feels '~hi~ ~
. ~l1yme"even thougl.1.'this Sel~r.tsi4esin-ab9'rrowcdegostl,te. At~otber
,moment;.when he:iaobj~ively adding his:client's~,Ut1ts.be aaain recb
"It is 'rcal1.",me'addin, these figures." If he sulksjust like tile lillieboy he,
-once actuaJ,ly was, he feels at that rp;oment '-'It,is 'really me' wh,o issuJkinl~"
Jnt~ e,xaJ:nples,.
tbe free enefl)'. which gives ri.Se~othe .rience of !
"really me," .was rcsidina i~ the Pa'e.~ Adult, and Child,r<SP<!"UvcIy 16J.
.
'..It is IIStfu! ,to thWt .of e.cb ego statellS havitig ~una~ri~s.
. .
I
Jlerne~uggests thllt ~go bou.naaries.,.n be though! Qf as oemtper.
1I\~llblemembranes through which pSychic enargy <:an !low from
one ego slale ~ anQther [7]. Ego bo '.lIaries must be semiparme-
Ilbie; otherwise, psychic energy wo ,fa be bound up 1n0Jl1' ego
.,5Iate and unable 10 mOve about SPlJOt.neo"sly ..situations
. .
chAAge.
 Th~ Adult Ef!o Stat~ 251
In ~me higbly effective people the flew of energy may be quite
rapid; iJl others it may be sluggish. The pe~n whose free energy
inoves rapidly may be exciting and stimulati1\g, but others may
have difficulty keeping up with this. fast-moving pace. The one
whose energy moves more 'slowly !s the person who is slow to s~
and slow to stop activities, including thinking, Other people may .,,
I

become impatient with such'slowness. even though the person's

responses are .of high quality. .,.
The pbysiology of the ego state boundaries is n'er yet under-
stood, but the assumption that they exist is made by observing spe-
cific kinds of behavior defectS. Some people continually act in un.
predictable ways; others .r"", predictable they seem .monoto- .
nous; sanie explQde O.fgato pieces wi~h the slightest provocat.ion;
tbe tbinking of others is.distoQed with prejudices and delusions.
Th.esedisorders Arccaused by ego state boundaries which are tao
lax or too rigid. 'have lesion~ at overlap. >

LAX EGO BOUNDARIES

Samuel~Litl~rwrote~ uAn open mind,.s aH.veryweJl in its way. bUI
it ougbt not to be so open tbat there is no keeping anything .in or
out of it. It should be capable of shutting its doors sometimes, or it
may be fouJld a little drafty." A per~n with lax ego boundaries
doesn't close the doors between ego states, but appears 10 lack
identity and gives the impression of slipshod bebavior [8]. Tbe
psychic energy slips continually from .one eg.o,state to ,another in
resp;mse to 'very minC'r'stimuli-.This person may have gn~at dim-
'cull¥ functioning in the real world and be in serious,need ofrro-
fessiona! help. .'
One woman with this boundary problem waS de~ribedby oth-
ers in,a counselipg group: "JY.ounev~r know what's going,on with
her or what she's going to do next." A .personality witb I~
bouitdllries can be diagrammed as in Fig. 9.1. .
 252. B,ORNTQ WIN.
. I
. Th~ ptrsonwithlax ego boundaries hasli.tlle Adult control and
behave~ different.ly from the person whose psychic energy ,~oves
r~picJJYJrom one ego state to an.o~htr. yet with the Adult in con-
ttol. hdjl~ latter case th~ per.rt)n'~ behavior may be quite rational. .
.
In Ihe Cornier. ,tis ~npredictable, "nen'jrrational.
~ .
, ,
; . ~., . -, '
-

RIGID ~GO BoUND,ARJES

Rigi<.llOg.o
slateh<!undaries' dO.~('I permit IJj(\(ree ,mo,;emen\ at
~Ch icen erS)',ltisas Ihough alh iCIrWB ll.l\<J!!d'5 \be psyc,hie.ner,
1!YbOund
. up
.
in one ego state,exclll!ling
. .
tll!:oilier
. . tWo, This.pheno,
. .

. menonis called exclusion,' :rhe beha~ior of J>erSO!,swilh thi1prob,

him appears rigitl becausetheyt8l1d 10 respOud 10 moslSlimuli 1
,v',lh QnlY;<'IIeoftheir ego siares, The&..on always collies on Par, .
,I
ent, "ways romes on A<.Iult,
or Alway.""mes on.Chilli." .
A person who usesonlytheParenlego slale or IheChlid ego
slate and does nol Ii¥, the Mult istikely to be seriously diSlur~d,
Thispers6n is not m IWch witjlwhatis currenlly happening, ,. nol
realily lestingin .the 'here and now. '

-.. P..""I, ~.
'1'hi CJitld.
~... the. ..xc
_t_AcJolt
tbe
-""'\I.ud Child
.
. it. perso~ who excludes th"Parent and Ch~ci and ~anlythe
Adull D\8Ybe a. bore or a robOt,wilhoul p~on o..:omp~ssion.
\Ierne. describes theexclu~ing. Aduft.~ ud~Qid of the ro.~rm,

~A'variation'otdaiS inthe ~
Probil;Dl,is'found wbo,t1IRlioffonlton~.
ego Slate. I. sblllC cases, wben a porsolf hils few redeomiDg q\l8li!iCslil the .'

,PUent.'L"15.y be'in orcJer.ne'penonca-1) lean) to ~nt otbtrs,(~the -.

Adult... ,d.pul. Cbi1lJuodetAdJ>11 trol.or !be persollmaybe
. ,
.
fe-parented. '.' ' .'
. '
 ,.

" TIt~Ad~/I,~S'_a'e _ -253"

, , '.,
.'
spontaneity, and fun which
"
are ch~acle.ristic ,'"pflhe heallhy child,
and.. . . unable 10 take sides <yilb th,econviCtionor indi~nation.
which is foul/dimbeallby paren~'.[9], Rigidly responding from
only One ego slate is a serious enough persot!alityproblem 10prof- .
it from professional help. . . ,
, '
. .

Thete' are soinep~ple wbohave a problem similar 10exclusion

bU110 a lessse.riousdegree. They favor using onee.gostate fairly
cOJlSiSlentl)'over the oth~r \'No. btJ,1.the other .\'NOare nOI,lola11y
. ,excl\lded. In Ihe foUowing,qxampl~' We arC re(emll5 10 Ibis less
~rious, eg~ boundary" problem as C01'$lanl Parent, Cons!.anl
,44ull,. and Constant Child. .
"
"
. . .
, TJ>e Constant P..r..nt
'\
. A peiso~who operales pri'!lariJy from the Pare;1I ego stale often ,
treals plbers, cveil business associates, as if Ih.ey w~cbildten.
, Sucb behavior can be fqund '., theseCtelarY w»o ~takes<;are or"
.
everyone', problems al th~ I>ffice'orin .corporation boss who.
,Irles 10,run the personal1iv..ofstaffmem~. who cannOlbe'~-
..i p...aclied re"",nably, ,or wbo <ljsP",ys,ijtde OrnoseJlSe o(hum<>r' i'
Eitlierknowingly or, unknowingly. the. COIIstanl Parent c<iUecI$
people who are willing 10 be ~n'd.nl or jllbOrdinale and often ; .
t~if.'ays
with someone.~ th~.col\lplemen1arYroleof~n$laI'I. .,' .
. One,lypeof Constantparenl is hardwo'kingjmdhas a strol,lg
sense of dill}!!This ~rson may be judgm~nla~ criticalof,othel'S,
.
moralistic, and mayneililerJaugh nor cry fm", the.Child, IIOrbe
objectively reasonable from the Adult. The ConstantPars:nt
,"knows alltbe answers," III!\Dipulales others from th.e1Op-<Iogpo;
silion" and is dOlnitteerlng, oVerpowering. ,l!IIdaulhoritaril!ll;
.
Specific ki\!dsof pccupa!ions whieh offer autho)'ityover oibeta
altracl,lhis dOmineeri"Jlypc!of Person' S~jne presidenlS,of bu*i. .
ness .firms.,.,me hOmemakers.,.,me0!Jic\als in ehllrChor;sehQol.
hierarch~. sqI\Ie pQiitical orl\lili'~rtgU IIDd.iQ4eed ""me
di.tato~~k Ih~seP!'$iIjOJlSbeCallse il full"lIIllbeiUe<:d 10_ve
paren\ltlp<lwer ov~r othe~ M~y ntultiit\illiO., dollar bi1sin.1
\Ve\'C.
~pllycarved:<>utby ~,strons. del_me4 peJSQlIG!'
~~~~t:~#:I.~1~J:t7~~:~fon~iPS\Vere~"",of
'
AnQther tYPe,of Collstalll Paron!'is the Pf»'PCtual nurtu,rer or ,r
',

relCller~hp y play Ihcroie .ofbenevolenf diciator Ormay come.

. .' . . 4
'".
 ,
. . . .
~s..
" . BORN Tft WIN. . .
pius asalotiy person ",hois dcYo\Cdiqhelpingothe1)l:Tbdol. ,
lowing cxpkssiODsmay b~associatcd with,this type of CODs\&JIt.,
Parent. "
'"
"
,
The 100%avt!labl. on.: "<;all jo. just anytim'. you.'oOed me," , I
. ',,'
.'- ',' ',,'

Ttieperpct1J~~lf~~00.:"i..,...go " "

without;it's~el'
," ,',
~, Ihat)'Ou
:
. ': l
ha'v.
..
.- .. ..
it:'
'. ,.'
-
..
""',,. ,"
..,~
,;,
.""', I" '.".." ..". .. ..
~~al~scuet:"DctI'(wony;;1
'
"
..
"
C&i\,alw,ayshelp '
i
,,'.. .. ,',
you;"~" '..,'", .,'.
",' ., I
., ,
~ .. ~.\"j I
"
A G!ias\&ntn~""miaoficndra"'!ltoonei),fth.~h~piII~' ~~,
'

Yet, ~ b:cPiJ!goiltcr.\)I\I111C;U>
,

,U/>IiJ~it lItaY~,~eff~vc~
slJl'i!y~.pt!1!1~ot,!lIc co~t nill'\"~tisovcrindltlgjnghis Qt'Ij~,
,
, n~':Ing ,,' , rn~,,~
eapaci\Jcs,and docs ,.. . Jban good;'

" "
;:
 The Adult Ego S/~'~
,

The Co",ota"t Child

. r
" . ,
.
The person who operates primarilr as Constant Child is the on~-,
" '

who iScthe p<rpetuallittle boy or 8'rl who,like Peler Pan,doesn t

want !ogrow up. People who act from their ConStant Child d"l"t
think for themselves, make their own decisions, or lake respons\-
bilil¥!br their own behavior, These peopl,e may exhibit little ,eon-
science in their dealings with other people, attaching themselves
to someone who will take care of them.' A l\1al\ or, woman \\Iho
wants tQ be "kept,"babied, punished, rewarded, or, allplaude1is
'likely todseek out a C"nst81\t Parent.,' , , ',',,
Peopl~ with this ego .bool\dary ptoblem are often ~ucce..ful as
performers on the .tage oron 1he playing field. .However, without
adequate Adult functioning, the performer may .pendher or bi.
large salary impillsively, often ending lip broke. Other types of
.,job. that may appeal to the Constant Child are thoSe'that are high-
ly routine and require ria decision-making. for~xample, assem. '
bly-!ine work. ,'.
'
,
. . I
.
"
'CONTAMINATION-OF
" ':['HE i\DULT
,
The ctear thinking of the Adult i. ofteq spoiled:by,coll1amlnallon. ,
Contamjnation can be thought of a. an il\trusiol\ of the parenl,ego
'state and lor the Child"ego state into',the ,boundary of the Adult
ego Slate. '

~
"
Contam.iriation occurs when1he'Adulfaccepts:as t,~, sonic u.n,"
founded Parent beliefs or Child"distortions and rationalizes and

,
Tho Adull, '!!Ie Adull. '0 Tho "dull'
contaminated ,i>lOIIml..1ed ied by tile'
by the, Par8bt by tile Cblld ,
Parlllllll! Child
 .
'
..~;~_Yi~\~~:!~;~:Y~~??~~~~;':~5i~~~f~~;~':, .....
.

~ ~ i,i . . ~,,- J . .. ..fs J~.~l ~,

"' ';~' '. ;':: r '

~;~$ii' f\' .
;
i!~,t;IIt:~ itfi"'Ji
· ~~_*.rUi.tt~,
1 ,.'
'~l~f~r _it~t U
 .
~ Aduh Ego Stale , 257 .
".
'AI times, Iars<' ..~ent&o(S<JCiety ~e withprejudiccd ideas.
For e"i'mple; mosl pea pie in.a city mayl» IO~~Vetha . I!'~Ur-
dy
..
hQ,*s should be built
. .
ofbrick; evCtl though the .ity is
.
loea.led
.
. '111&11earthquake faulL " .' . ..'
€ontiuninatil)ll oflen intrudes \!II"'ela.,.ofsociety.Untilre-
.' '.

~tly, IlllderTexas brNa. whOkiDedhis viif'efor lIdulterywl!s

pr~ciniJ~iliible lIomicidc; howeve., it a'wtr:el;il\jld1ler1i1i$-
,,;:~~~~~:~n;~:..':'~d~~~:,r
itt~d alliD iy in 1<J69a4\1IJthat yaung ~"(njItOo-, .
"

leeji be give~lIIe,vote, wilh Iheex<eptiOll;however;'ofy~.~ ','

with long"'..r, He adm(>nis!jed,"lfctllcy're goin81obc:'d!it,e~
thCYsh$ld'look
. .
Ukecitizens." ~
,,'

"
,'. " "

, SeVere con,*inination f~m Ih.Child egO Slate oi)enOccurS bO-

c&\i$eofj;Ome deblsio", A ""!11J1j(jn"ne is Ihe delusion ofpp'
deur, In its exlreme f~a PtrSOlI.maybelievt thai she o~ he is !he
,savior of,ilIe "",rId ortbe ruler "fthe worid:An<>!her ..,nmiM
'delusion is fe.ling pe,-ulede-being poiwn!!d, spiedupoil,tit
pl~agaiBSL
.
, ','

In i~ I~ severe form, apefS()n whose Child CODta1I\inal!is

~ "'"

Adult has'<!iswrted perception;nf reality. This petsOnmay be.

U""" an~ say. tai example, ," ,

"TlteworIdowes nie a Ii~g;" , ,

.
<'
.. "People are'talking about me ,,"hind my .baa,," /. ' '.'

"No one could possibly. foigive/lovel.Wanl/di,like me,"

"Some day I1\.1iere,seued." ' '
"
A;;"om~n whO holds the delusion lIIat one,day her pritll:e,wm
come may stay on a meniaijob, a CindereQa''Waitil1.g'' for aR,s'
.
q,~r. ijerassump.li9n i~site's'going,\Osetlnatried an,d,is just
ml\rI<ing time until "he" cOmes ~ong.', ' . . ,.'
.
'a.~ren learn dislorti~ ttJaJI)' ways,$ome are. iaUghl; tonte,
!,~e ..,njuredup. For eUIIIPIe, a bOy m,!'y lu!VC;tllightmare,in
,

'
~lfJhis ~0m8n would reveaw bet'aSsQmpiipn to, i.l::.m,.n~ goin!&o~
.
marrie(n she'cOuld ,reconsider ~rcorit8.ination.-d might rH:xanunc.'
her ~ttitu_deSabout tueducalion,jQb,
.. where-shc's'living. and where she,iS
going with her tife.
'
 \
;
218 BORN TO WIN
wl!lch a m01\Stef'\mder hi. bed ISaboQI io devoQr him.. Ifhi. moth. .
aradmoni.hes themonsler, "Don'l. YoQdare eal my little boy; YOQ
bad fhing! Now get o\lt of here!" .he reinforces.the clist~rtion..lf
s~ says insll>ad ''V..1oo"dQnder the -bed 111I4there'.. 1\0 ilion- .
.
\" 1\Of!hete. 'i'<lQmnstha~bad a tembledream that seemed"e!)'
1~::t1I~ halp$ ¥r son."p8@tete~ity and.,Ihe fi~enlS <Ifhi.
l!I!...t\!ItiO!l.brllvi~ him a~ta. mfQnnau<lnWI!hOQI Pntti/1g
d9Wn b,i,abilio/.\O' ilreall\thi1l&tnp'" _ - .'. .'.
'. '.,
......
. ',:D(jlll:tle conliltllillatioll Occurs whe'll b<lth \!1If!\11tjlrej\l4ii:e. and .
\Cbjld!lel!'li~~ \I1I\'elolllteA~1t ,"IP Sllill>like "ye,.;l~4.of.
~""\ibjectJ,~ly awa~<>f.t!ll:'f~! \IIeA:~lt '1IjIC1:tIp~tP).~
.nall~,tliel'<1nt.amlIlall()l1l;lf\lle..dlstOitio\l$1If!\.removld, ap.!ri .
IQIIh~ac:lear.r pe~on\>f WIi~t'is"aI.
'.. . ' .. .
sZ~e~~g,'l:t~~~=V':~~lh:~~I::'::ai¥~
.these inllu.nee.. One ~lienteJ(Pressed \hit ~t.allllil!lliOn.Jk<>'
. Clisswilen he said,"' ~atoba~e tIIisstrange i4ea !balno"!!e
<;oI1lc!'ev.rIikeme.N\>WI~thal \!taU'sju.Il\Ie waylfe,\tat 4\\l\Ie .
... !pd,NOJ'o"~liIe,fbatl!Ole~~y tikeslll",liIitlI\UIy,~~',
,
f~,~"'i~ac,~:~.sn~.~,ihi~iII~re~aj>~n"!~~ .
.
. r ,. . . ~, .
..I!OtJ1if.p.uwt!tS1ONS'
. ,,\' , .,
" '

,frJ~~~~*Jo8f~~~~~~~~!s:cn~~~~;::~.
. psi~ has~nmiou.ly injt!i'edbyone trauma\ic~anior)!)ta .
" series of unhappy e~perfenQeI dQringchild\lood.WheIl som\!llliil&
'rubs the;sb!'OspQ\(thainjot)' may "i>reake>pen"willt aI1.ai!lpOur.
iJ!.g 01' ,trO!lS; irrallOIlltl emotion;T.\tis.\,,1I$ ,?bs!>rved'ina O()Q~' .
~g group; "WI>1'\l\nllSked a !hill1.~\ViU)'Ou pl,/ISOlO<i~atl!\e
,
."~ij~~~~i~~:~~~~!to~~r:~~;t~~y

r'.'. .'
,
.,'AJes~~~4IIY, jn4#l~wbeila~~IIr+ntS.a~~e~ghlp~
...,.'.}\lenI~us«,'801$h)'t~ri.IiIiIQYttac\.p.ot;thWl4~panicsal!d
1Ii9~\o.€""ffO~l)Iing,and
)tide"l
sb forth. S\>nlepei,>plebl'eak into. .
" .!eats9t"nkiim d.p~ when even mil~IY(;rjlkil!04.Alesli;ln
ii lTI!!JIjfes,~'Iii. 8rossoverreactionlot~,real~y()f \hutimI1\Qo.
,t il. inlerre"'. ,. JIlr adeqQa1i fu.itctlonins.pri>C~ionall/.elp is.
.
nealled. . , \ ,
, ,~ '0
",
 ,THE ADULT ABEnC\JTlV& OF THE PERSONALITY
I
,
, Each person the J>*DliaJ to pnt th. Adult w.xcculive "'1'11'01 I
I
afthel'ther.$O states. Iffr.ed from neplivc ar irrelevanl inJIu-,
CIIcc,ftom the P8rCJlt aildCliUd, tHe pcnon is emancipaleil to
make antona!j>aus decisions. "
.
',UnJcss a pcrsOit h.. Adult self-awareness. mOStautside slimuli "

are likelYk>~firstfcl \&nd resspondod to by citbcr tbc,parc:n! 'ar

Child oS'! $JI!tcsarooth. W.henthe Adqk ~mcsUle
, , , ,

, execulive'..
, ,
, ,
, , ,

per~le8rns to ,receive more andmare slimuli Ibroush Ihe Adul\.

,
The, persoJi stppS.loo~, and liStens. perbapa rounli... to len..AAd
lhinks. The person cvaJuates befare IICIin&takes fullrespo~li:
IYfnr pcrsonal thOnghlS, fecllitgs, and behaviOr, and ;wurnes th.
task,af determinin'g.which of the poSsibleresponses in his arher '
egostalcs are appropriate, IlSingthai "'!lid> is.;>K from ,the P&rOII!.
and C.hild egQ slates, '
' '
i ,
StUI1~lQ8 __.

.
In some instances the pcrson miy take a laok,al the situation
and decide thai whal his I>rher mnther Qr falher wauld dn is tbe
apprt>prialething 1040: Far e'IDmplc,the persoll may \lecideto I
a4apt parental behavinr by sympatheliCaJly wmforling a crying. 'I
lost chil4;n a large deparlOtent storeJFig.9.Sa). At anOther"",e i.. '
, person'may reject thisParc:nlresponse and wiUlhnld a !'riticaJ I
'

remark learned from a parentfi~ (Fig.9.Sh). , '

In some in,Slillces a persoll Q1t take. Inok at a silualid1> and de-

cide tnmake a r..ponseleatned in childhood. For'C!<IIMplc,when.
,drivillgp..t a rescrvni,rnn ahn\. sultry daY, the penon may sod-
denlys!<,pthe ~ar. check out if it's safe, and dcCi\je to take a ,run,
,ning jump intI' the witer tn cool 9fT. Atannther time the pcrson
inay reject a Child impulSe IQ '~play arnund." ' , .
 ..
C>
',"
>:'
..
c>'
''I;
!<
 . . TIW:~d.u1t £go Sldt.~. 261
.' .
'
tal18b1h~rthat sh~.could,fl">mh~r Par~nt.go sta\'e,be nurturing
without think;ing. ." . .
' ini'
,S!lllyrc:sp<>nd~d
dirf~r.ndy.W* sh~ ~...rd Ih. noise, her
. tialrosJ:>Qns.was~niilar !Qwha.t'lleimotlt.r would have.$aid
wh~1I~.. did not want tIJl1eint.rrupt<d;''T~ damn kid$\lbn't
. .ve'!!! .. us .
tjy.iDin '0' t...ofpcac;e a~ qu\e tt" Sit:1Y ha<lhad1nad.' .','
equate . .pat'IOtIllng 'and was aware . of It. Therefore,sbe1\a(\
. . fo
. actI'
.
. . . . .

.
.'
va~eh~ Adoltby tionclo".decis/on, She then r.sl¥'nd~inappr()o
poat< ~ay.and,likeJune,wenl ,,\It to see ,,!halwas~g.. ,'~.
. ' '.
The Ad\llt.gostat< it. exeC\ltiv~ of lhe pers0naJity referees be- 1

tw,.n 'th~.Paren~,ego .",teand theCbild ego slat<;.speeia,lly

'!lh~lIthe I~ dia,lo$'!,e is huttful or destructive. [n sueh casesJh.e.
"Adult ~",es alllOre ralional Parent f<)Ih. Child Ihan tlte aet~
.. p.ar.1\f!i were-selting ration~lilt\its, giving rational.pet:n1i>sions;
, seekirigrea!'OlIitj)legratif..ationfor tIt~ Child:The foll"wingea""
,indieal.ljpw tit.. 'Millt: lIIigl\l rerere~ or eft'~cI a Compromise be'
tw~n. Child and Parent
. , (\iaIOgu.. . .
.

'. ..' ' ,,' .i,:"',

'."' ",'

,,?'. Jim .

@['JD ~~ingtdplaysicktbis(E)Mo;"n.Ii~'s boy should.tay

. wcell and not go I" w"rk, home if. he, doesn't.
.
f~el
.
.." . '. " "good. "
,
, ,
@l " with'it,
could g.t away
, .'
butI'd have to wort Iwic. as.'
" bar4 to '!i.ate liP for it.:No
,point, in stayillg hO!D~,'
..'
,I

, Mary,.
. "
.,@.IO1I\enlDAkeg~d
'. ritigblMllik~
';oitey, tM@
m.,'
\V6h1e~ shl>uldn't m*~
,'as ninch.llloneyas men.
,
.' -', .
@'['mcapable,but ['II n.""r .
.' get a raise, here,'1 thfnk I'll
"
1001\ fora n~1lijob.
'.'.

'2Q BORN TO ,wIN

.fI..-

, . .LtJtrj"
~
_l'". ,'" ". ,.-
i:' ,@ '. .'.
rin ~ in this ,lII81'riagc. @ YQ\I shQuId.count yOUr .'
"
'.'

,
"
,',
"' ,
'
' ,""
SS\np., LA"'" , ......... , "
'

there', newt been a

, ,
,
'
"
,_ ,
4iVl>~
L
in Our rlllllily.
. '
'._ ..' .t' :.

@ what are th~ pwiliid~ '

,-
Q(
.~~ JII&~il1 What are '
the pro$ ancI coal of belftg'
divom.d?,£1I8eI'seme
"

obJ"v"4!dB l>elbte'~'

,
,
,:r!bli' .' "
;":.:-","""t, ,
~J;,.', '. :. ~">.
'
,@ A,tI\&II'$ haml~~eaStI~..
Wbat.am~'~",,!',
_
_
,.,.: _
I. " ,'.d "',j,__
"' '
"
"':'
~
@ ~ywifC i$j~gettin,:,'
~rir
(
'the pu. I CU' wa...
"_'I' ',. w;
"
~,'
, ',/ SI/.'I)' ,,'

,
@ BiIldOO.a't 'ov~ me <!> ('1<iId~u,you COuJda;ti
or 'he woul!ln~t In!$ meA! 'QIey'h __I\ty got ,
,be'ollt !Gmgh\. oo.e thing DII\h4fu",tni~..
"
,.,:" ,;:,' ,..-, ,',; .'
:~'X', "
@t_o.r
',~
'. ,"""
Sia ~to
:I'U"'J(.~.bC~'aPd
woO; .
I8~Y\c
... we canll!ke ,,_..
in a liI01Iie. "
" 1'< ",':.: \,'
',;'\., "
1 '.

.
i
-'j.".
 , Tom.

@
.
r don't Bet'that ,rd Qe.. .' CV Never intemipt when
.
instructor jU$l1lsed but if I ",meone is talking.
ask, I'D SOIIndstUpid. YbU:lItight mu;e a
. .' fool of yourself. '"

.
@ If ldo,,'[ ask my questio,.,
fll.miss Iha whole J>9intof
theclecture:.So hen: ~s. even
if I fael stupid.,

. ,
PLACATING yOuR PARENT
. .
Sometimes, the inoer Child feels constan\!y un<ler the pr~ureof
. theinnuaoce of a Parenlogo. state ",hieh.s overly critiC1\l,bnltaf,
threatening, pllnishing. or withholding approval or atTe(:!ioll,
Wiih the Adult 1!-1Ixecutive,a penon can I..m to "throw a .'
crumb" to the Parent. This helps allay the stressful discomfort ex' I

.'pe,rien<:""..hen the penon g~sligainsl Ii PUent81 permissior, ot

1nJlIDction.,
. "Throwing . . .
~ crumb" implies placating the innuencing Parent
by doing one "ittle'~ thing tb,at would please /he Parent. Pe?ple
are often placatins .their Pareot ",hen they do such things as go to
ehun:h at Cl)rislJ!las and Easter or to .the synagogucon the Day of
J\tont'ment.' .

. ," . I -"_

One woman lived under the compulsion of. s~ving odl 'the
family relics, collecting nearly:a 'roomful of doilies, pictures.
embroidered pillowcases, etc. While',she needed tbis .space,
sbeC9llIc! not bting herself to throw these tbings .out. SIIe ..
'claimed to feci guilty wilen she even thought about doing so,
."
as it would, be disloYal to her family. Liter shueported,"1t
alwayspleasedmyinolher to give to lite needy, So I threw ber
two crumbs lIta! really made mt feel good. Pirst, \.saved one
little box of mementos tn,keep \11Ymother in lily head happy.

.~
 .
. \,'
" "
i64 . . .oR/li TO WIN . .
',' ,.\ Th~, I sa~ a \¥ln1lerOOrn/'QlQfl!iihgs away wsoinepc;.,ple
,. . who really
... ':', . ne~ded
.., .:Ih~m.'W.1n!.I in~lief.".
\,< '. "'; '. .<i " ..' :.. . 'CO
',.
"

'.
{'
',...,
 . 71te,Adull Ego State 26S
.
Many people have found specific wayo 10 please their Child.
EaCh person must fi'1f!'~ . or ljio oWJj way by checking out the <!e"
.sires of the Child and deciding with the Adult on something .
aPl'19priate. '. .'.
..
. .
'. - .~ .'
9n,e'man reliey"d the. t~sJon..uoed" by an irtile,ble boss by I
playittg a Yigortius game Pf lOuChfOOtblil1 with his kids. .. '.'
. .' .
I
.,¥other m.anaustlliii~ ~Ifwhil.re...peralitlgfl'l>"'''; "
'\IOre.Ii by !liking'short trips tQthe,n:tQu!ttllill&. ;,':
./ :...,
.
;, "
_
.. .".'.' .,":' j
.
Ogo'.womanso9theclti~elf ftoR1t~ ~nof
". .' " ."'." ".
~gli>t~.
"
, ,)
~ca"ped child by !ding ",atm. .l\lXurij!usbli\>l!ll:~d!i';
.
While hertbild '. .'.
nap"""
. .:'
AnQther wOI\!&nm';;nlained a rigid diet. for .several nlollths .. I

I!Ylil!Qwing'herself.
.
to InduJgein,one
, 'bpt f~dge~un~ ~
mOQ.th. '. . "'. .!;'>_~",
'
. . .'
This teeh1'iqile of "taking !ive" for me Chilcl,enables a pe~tP .
keepgl>mg'Y~enit's ne""ss!ary.It involves inclulgingin~m~ .,
.
\bat waioparticularlypleasurable in childhOOd. Or fl)WI\n&(II\.un" .
JllrliJeddesire.£ach person !leeds (0 assess whatplCases/he ~~ ".
and seHationallimits on the.~..,frequencv of such self'in<lI/I~;'
. .. ,
'..
: ' '\ '. '".-' '
.,
.ACTIVATING AND $TUNGTHENING.
TUB ADULT EGO STATE ,_

The Adult ego.s"w is,trengtllene<\,wiU, uSe 'mmuch \lte Saine

light as a musele, whicl1increasesil\strength'with exerciSe" (17/.
The Rt-0repeople use it, themore;they.~re able to'u.se it.

Educado": .
.. . ., . . ). .
. -. '.. .: ,: ,-'.
Edllcal10ltwhich.treligthensa~rson" ability to ~tber. or~,
-'.
'.
-,-""',
--'
.'

a,ndev'\lanle informatioD _trib!!1es to more'~rate Adtilt

Jlldgntellt$.f,!veryOlle'sAdult is,aft'ec(Cdby many typesof!e8mIn&
e~periences. some li;arning hinders ¥ult fun.ctioiling; so@eeti.
hances iUlemecauUOIIs, "In /heiJ!dividual caSP.,<bit allOwance
,mUstbe left ""rpast Ie"ining experiences'; [13/. , . "
J.!ducatiQDastpast lea(1Iing MpeiienCc" can be tItoughtor~,.
"
 -
266 BORN' TOW1'N ,

manY waYS. Hc;nbe acad~inic9rnonaC<!demk. formal or inf~r.

mal.For example. II1,OSI ~pIe receivolbeiruluca.tion abo",thi..
!j)ry.,~rilhm~lic;ind &IISlishin.a fQrmal school settins wilh
Ilain~d teache,.., However, fuoi.r~""aliQn a\)Q""-..aJity islit~
Iy 10peeur in.. loss,f"rlitaiway-fFOIII i"oirp"~ itl the.iQ\;\lor
.\ (ooin. a!tl\.}tr~1 CQmer. behind Ih!f'~ Infonnalion ~uired ,

hi Ibiswar maXbe ~...ralo .orii1acc:1ita~.lJ'nJC$S

whalis 'I~~ned
,is """,ral. a"d!ll\lC$Silisev.l",atcif. it'ism>tu~ul!j) Ihe Ad...I!.
l' OUIMapplie$lo tl\e.
iC,;,. '.'. . 'J"b.~l;()mp'u'er"!)ra~
,
.'''''1>6$.01, ~
q...alitYl>f1l\P!lt~!I>,~~dul, or fotl~lma'tet into a!iyego 8!11~..
. '" " ~".-fdiJW1I,Mp'htrl~data!h!l)~~. ,t!d~iion, lIIe;Mu!'~
.

'
~ ,. : ' .~,aI~.sa~~~c. fr6Ine'XJI'Iriel\~1"idi.reality.~b~.,
'
: '"
, '.

I,. ,. . 'smelJ,~l, aiId_ their,nvii'<>ilme~11in<I <\~~;~I1P~.'

..
. . , ..,'

.., , . .
" , ,'~t.curringal~te<I\c'a~le in,ervals.They obse",albal,th',
~;
f. ."," , Itees II!>wera'l!outtho s8ll\.t~"..,hYe8r: thai the tlWel!,
"

kif.",,", IU\d'hem.at8l'O!n\CJth.m pfoduceu:distinct!fuil. 1'h~laartl,'

t,: ',. ..,howJII{ they can~On a I8Jjk,,(gas, tJ,ehest,en!rancol1!t\tOf/'(e;:,
" .way"how !"u~h,llI!leill8~e. tO~t \9~rk, ",wbele", FuY tl\.
C"
i,; "h!lsl"",*.1'hem~l.e"'$!&r.ccll~d&'a~lIst!,,,II):,~~
ji,i. ,;e~X;:~iitm~. '.,., .".'..' .<.} ","
!I>;I\Q",~eJiJlJes, inf<>tJlJ8tloJ!:isev.aill!!lOdi~ety; " }):"~I>)'1tar~ .
~:>..~n"~e$~
. , c;snbe)llt1>i1I!'-The
,earth ~y look l1al, I>I,II,!/SR)(.
..,"An.;/~WIta!\ri ~ll."'t':.~~.I:} beard ~ee"h<1oest"b...jcQn~~"
;;
..'.!" '. I lImoliles,f't \>InI",.. "...efont
,.,.
,' " , f th o sallie.eve.~...
*''''e '' .
;! .. .. .':, Aipeoon who uses th!'t\<!utl~ e~ecnti¥eatl<twallt$t~itI\pnove. .
~' . .'. .
l,.,th,e qU'a1ilYofhis,cIr Mr ftsP9J1ftS~..~'""edlb.g~~en~'
.
( ~~u!"by ¥li'Iherlng!laUiftoll\,Qt'!!!ye~J1tjtI.~~s...wdl.~"l
.f''.'\. ." ~Inlng stif-knaw1edge. C\>lIeclin8 and ev~uallnslnlbnttaijo,1I,
,

i
(
. . en.b1aa pet'$onlod<;leJ;,minel!iotoaccurale'>'
ptoi'~letOth. teSlily.ol'lh. 1I 8I\d 110"',A peoonwilh Ad4l1
.'
what response in?': .

".i",
" .~ecu'liveconlrolneedSCo1tlillulll.self-e<jUcationandneedslOsOri"
,cY"'put.thisinnerworld in;,ordc,.t10ll8e ~Iy whal isgK:O'Om1lte!
(i.e".. .~~"I a"d ","ali. QK Crotnt~eq,ild... , ,,<
.

',',I
, .
-."
 TItt Adult Ego Slat~ 261
.
. . . the "
contract may refer. to symptoms char,cteristic of particular disor-
ders,
s""h as hysterical para1yses, phobias, olisessions, somatic symplomB,
fatigue, and ~pitationin the neuroses; ,forgery. excessive 4rio.kmgodr1tS
addiction. delfitquency. and ,ot1\ersuch gam~likcbeba:vior in th~ psycho-
patbios;pessin!ism, pedanUy, sexual ilnpotence, or frigidiCy In !bechara...'
ler disordjOl'S;hallucinations,elali(>n, ,and a.prcssi~n in psychoses (1.4).
A.ol1tr8C1 must I>e clear, collcise, Bnd direCt. lI.involvo.(l) a
decision to do 8Omethi.g aboul a speQfic problem, (2) a stalemenl
'of a clear gpa! to be.worked toward In language, simple endugli for
the inn.,. (:bIld 10understaJ\d, .aild (3) llie oosslbilily of the go~~
. .
beirtg fulfilled.. ,'. '
,
. In aider .10make a .,.,ntract, a person II}UStbave ellQUgh
.' .

aware.
ne6Sofhisoiher approach 10life 10blow what i, causing dlssatlS;

often motivates change.

.
faction or Ul\due discomfort, to. self Or to olhe!S. Dissatisfaction
.
. . '..
'

It is importanl that a contract be made by the A4ull ego state.

tbe Parenl ego state may make, a pro,!,i'se 10 put .off a Child, and'
the Child ego state may malte a ""'ew Year'sre",lulion"wilh no
honest intention ofkeepingit. the Adll/I plays!t straight!.,
Although..}, was originally desigoed as a eontr<'CIuaI form'of'
therapY. a person can .",aIt. a eonVact ith anyon<-"self. spouse,
, .
boss. ",,"worker; or friend-Io' ." '
stop indulging in self-pity

.
stop self-degracjing Ihoughts .and acts
: .'SI<lP acting like a martyr

Stop discounting albers

stop destroying his or' her body;'

start ,listening Ie>people

,start being pleaSant
,
start relax/llg ,

start laughi!,g. ',~ '

.
.
start using ~is or her heiid.

Leatliing 10 malte nontracts. Seeing iitem Ihrough. cha.gIlI8

them when appnipriale.,andmovi!lg on to Ihe nexl problem and
nextwntractare signs or autonomy, signs.of1L winner.
~ ;, . .
'\
.

\
 ,

,
268 BfJRNt4 WIN'
~ ,

~islnc
: the RiIh*~'
,""., ',...Co'.'" ',', '. ...... .
L c' ."'"
 . .
. Tire Adul. £'0 SIGle ~
10 play." When a person w;th .this C()nlracl has Ihe impulJe 'for
,playrulne!S. he Or she can ask. "Why nOI?" It' there are sood rea"
sons (nol, ra~onali:zations). Ih. person can poSlpon. the pl.asure
.
. for anotheruI/IO.lfth.r.
have ap<i tlm..
are none.\h.perso.n
.' .
...
can lei &0 ancl_
.

'If a person's Par.nt is oV.rly pemissive. sayinaallllnthin~

. "y.." to mOSIimpulses (lique>r,drup,food. 'l..p,.~)'OI'to 0"'''' .
P"CIple'sdemands, IlIepelSOn may make th.Acilllt eoDIraI;I,"f
will not say 'y.s' 10myself or to othfls 1f the ~~OI'I. d.es\fI!C~
,
liv TIte p.rson ~an raise ~ quastions. "WhYsh<!"ldldothla'P ,
.
,
my..lO" or,?l1yshou141.ilurt ot!.er peor~ orall!!w them Iohll!'l, ,
Ih.mselvas. . .. .
When people Us. lhe. oontract=qllettlOn'tecb.nlque to.~va/II
.lh.'Aduil. Iheydesip their own "nique queitionrelatecllO~
CoJ'llraCllo.naage .their inteUiIenc;c.so Il1atlhey can evalu.te'~. ,.
Silllalionm!>re ra,lionally.They
. 'risk 1aking the ",s~bUlly
<»
for
, . ' .
'their" ~i~~;' "

People whoareawa.. "sc th.irAdultto ieanuboul some e>flheir

alienateil personality fragments (rom their projections. Pro,ioction .
..
is a '1"mmon phenomenQn of human hel1av~or. Perl. wnt<!o:

.A prqjl'C\iOrl is'lkl!Bi~ attiluile.fming, or !>itof bebaviOr which .cu.all)'.

belongj 10~ur ,own penon_lity but ia not e.peri"",.d II suc;b; i~. it Is
attril>~ted obJects or """sons in 1h<!~vironm.nt andtben e",,"ri~ II'
'9
,Urect'td towardYO!J' ,bY ~hem, instead of th~ ..
other way
,
around. . ','.'~ , .
.' ';
"
The pictu.. of being re;eCte~fi..tOy bia par.nti and tiow bYhis fri""'....
.
_' goes 10gr.ot I.ngths to
is eme Ibat t~- "eu",",c blish and.lftlin1abl..
.o,yhil. ,uc;hcliims may bav. S\lbs...ce,1h. oppositi is 0110cortainl, vue-
,
Ili1!t\h. .neuro'ii:.~i'C\I 011\0"for n9lliving up to sot1l~fan...li.ide~ or
_'*!tdald w~ic" he ttnpoJOSon 'b.m, ~~e!le bas pri>jeoted~i' rejecting
<nI1o"'.o!ljer po""",h.ean. wkI\O~1(..linB any rosponsi,bUit'for \!Ie!it"
~t.ion, regardni1D..lf.!Ii the. polliv. .object of all kblds.of.'iRWalhlnl'id: ,
. .:
hardship,\QSkjnd
treotlntnc,.orevonvictinrizalion(IS~ ..' .

. "eo,*m.y~roj~any poslli"eor negalivettalt theih~vo-

aliellaled from their .w~"eS{. 11\811unaware wl.ythty III*YIe- .
cuse olh~rsofbeing angry, whOllIlC1Ul.l1yit~bey who are 8IIg\')' .
.t them,
I,...,
They may perceiv~ oth.nas being tendcr
_.
and,kind,wllen
---
 ,
".
~:.\
.
~~' .:" \'-~-;~<\~>-¥,';~::?~~- .' _:;':. _'~:~1~::8;~'-~~rE:_¥':-1~~:~it'~.7>r~;~:~!~:-: ,-:-~:'-:
-<.J?tf;.~'; .
- -

,..".., .; ,
" '. -.,-
,- <.::--:<.';:«:- 1-~;-; "'''
_ _ ';"'.> ~,,--'.~-:;-:'~:/t ,"
. . ii'

..Ii {, iJ,j~,tf""} 'tff.

."t if t
. f:'tt 111": !"
"
t.::;:~ :r~ t!~l:,),' "if ·
t
,!jl;~;~,;\,tul~ll~ J[~r t;. t
:' :a)/:~:;f~;h '\.~~"I:ti;Jh,~t~i_ .~ .
~
- ~. -~---'.._---
-
: ---
. '--'---
-- .'-''' .-' '------..-
 no Adoltlip St.,. . 213
,ate like a stage produ~tion, but the dlrec1iOn and action are I19t
under tbe same control"" in waking lite, .
.'
'The Gestalt approach is to integratedraams ratber than to ana.
Iyze them. Inte...,tin. CUIbe acco'!!i!'islle4"r colllCiously...uv.
ma tlte dream, II)'!!'king rC$pOnsibilttyfor being the obj_ and
people m tbe ctreain, by bemlning a'f'Ue of the, \liCSsageathe
drelm holds. To learn fl'Ollidrea~ 1\is 110Iessential to workout
11ftentire dream. Working with .
smaUbI\s
'
of .tltedream are often
I'ruitluJ. '.' :,,'" .'

. To relive . drea'!I the potl4lnJIfStlells itor writes il down lIS.

slOlyillal.i. happening no lJsmil tbe]iresenll'~"'; fcir'exampl"
..I waUdfigdow,na lOnelyroad . : .,"") amwtirta in an ait.
Plalte ,.. .theperson iI\I:Iudes~ng
. experienced ~ Ibe .
. dream,' but dOcsnol..addanythingthai' wasn'1'ael1iallythere.
,
In lhe Dexlstep Ibe person.bC:giDjladialogue-speaking'oul
.
loud.~. a help in gCltin~started,each~n"object, orevenl is'
lISted, "Whal are.you dOtllgin my dream?" Thenbec.'oJningeach
~ objec:t,or e\!Cntthe p, n ,",,-wers,bcgitming with "I,"
again '!Sing the ptes!>nl'lense..For examplio, "I am'a j..zy ...d
. sl"'rlSlIIt, ..." ':/am arugstretcbed.outon tltel1oor. . .,""Iam
an old womantryingto dimb somestairs.. .." . , :
'E~b part of the dream is likely 10disguiaea message.al\oullhe
.'

. per.oodreamjagit When Ih~message COn!eslhrollgh.the persOn

1S.likelylo fecJ.~ ha! S4>lhal's the way lam." "

.. On. woman; on being an unbendillg boss in .hcrdream. discov-

cred thai she 'ite/8Clfwas unben'ding and unwilling 10:lI\ake a
change. Que man; &peaking aslbe steam roUer in his dreall!, 'cJis-
coveredtbal he,roIIed overolber pee!)!e ifth~ gol in his
bolb. cQes tbe aUenated. persol!attty frapeRt w
In ~.
re-cwned"
'

a?dthus intepled iDlOthe !hoJe personality. 'em cautiOns:

'. - '.
'.' . ~ifyoU wotkondreanu it is ~uet ifyo,u"doit.,ithlOmf:C)no'dse wftQ
caq. point OUtwhere yqoo'avoit\. Uncie<alai\dins-d>c IIrcatI\lftC_ ..oIiziD8
w\tenyou preavoi~lIa.obvio.s. 11ieonlydaq.p:u ~batthi>.,. 1'\1I'-
.SOIIl)Ii&Iit
_e gui<ldytothe andiellyou~t itaoina in
you. iaolCl/I bf Bivins
.
yoIIrli!'lf the Ohan..
.. ',,',
!If cliiCdveriD8
.
yourself 11'1]:
. \
"
'
,
DA $ i>ti)I8PAl.
,

\ pe~WhO ilw 'lateS the Adult""p. lo.ee lif. roo ...alisti-

.:ally and may iliSCO\'\:rIbings tIi>itare. lion! to acccp~ for'lumple.
'.

.".
 274 ., BORN
. TO WIN
. '
, I~tlhe je>his a dead .tri<!. .
. .thal
a ~~ is metltally diSlurbed.
. that SC>I!\tpee>p!Freallybate e...1i other.
'... :. '. ,', ,....
I
,',"'. '. ,'..
thai somepee>pIereally hlltt ~h other.
'"
.1
\IIattheChlld~,!,~ aUe".ied.'
thallbe pi~l_ be "ai4..
..tlyt~irrreri~ ~ ~rc..' ,
. " .thai _Y Jlbifntials~u!ire~ .. .
.
" '
'Fur~r~, ~e.pe,e>"lediscovat .thaltJle~. j!ersOnorl
'~~'wereWaiPIl1re>it<> i'mprovel~tr1ol iJ!tileil,s()I~"I\

IhaltheirshipIs,II';Y"totnllO aimejll.. ',... '

.
'Iht~fI1'IIICY ia~I'l!>re~om~,the,;~t#r,.
..
.ttui~theln&Jlm~ia!IPI~iI\lIO !'Plllt#'!-..
..
. 11I,~"'uty';~I~e>1II~~r;
..:. '. ,
}halll\~e is,no'.fairyll'lIm\>lhfor w~w,.
I

\llatth~rriflil~'f ~~not~prillce.
'. I

FI!4:iIdy,>jTII.sucha-W're~O$s,~y pCopIe r.ifii\1!> de.~i~Ie>IInI:

.lh~Jiope Iba: ~Meoneel.e will rcaeuethem. I'e>(the firat, \iJJIe.
~ps; they r...li~ lhal if IlIer.,.,1C>berescucd,,\heYjIIUII rely;'
. o.ntha,!,selvel sn4 strongi!lenlhelr own:resourc.~ for mtiyltoflife I
is a. do.iI,yoursetf,project. '. .'. '.
. J\IIhC>Ugh t het ~elilll ofdelPfob' isi ".
'J>S1'''fIII, iliS s C"aII~ , . tCld!l
"
.. .
'
ldII\ethill1\dift'etelit.
. AI t!U.poiQta. ..penon~(n
.. ~ . fIOri!. I

sOciety1!y\1eQOnUt1t
.
al\Ct~ 11:I~~is()jatl4p~~ hy~11
i:olil. initijd..,) i"' IS' in ~titU~OR,litbY IU:YiIl8'!'C. ted\lpl~... bbl}I '
tOOlIt:
..
(2) Iry 10eliMinate
. . . ~1'sCI~ prtIbtomi\>y."twiliIgWI"cWl\b
. . ..
'.
.I .' .

~~;~'!~::~~:etv~~~j~~I::~::~
'away, she~8a wil'f ptl\lUhaJl41 or)llptdCrln.lIO~nc;(4)do
'
,I\QII!in8alld ..ait;(~) set be~.r ari<!III:~" IC> li>(e ill tbenal world. I

&er,ne Ik\ICribesit ~llIi.lI!snller: . ....

'.' .

~. ....
 1M A.,h Ep ~<U 275
In
~ long
whicli
"'D, the patient must uDdertate the ~ oflMufln awodd in
the.. is no San.. CIa... He is then fKeel with the "i.ten~al ptob-
lemsof osity.tnedom of choice. a1M!absuRlily.aDof which pre-
viously e,ad".t in some me by living with theiUusiou
, of his'1Crip1
(11].'"

People who dCcide IoUve 'in,lhe re.. ,,!,orld, who decide thai they
were 00r1I 10,win, agree wilJr,J)jsraeU t!lat"Ufe
. ia, 100 shorl 10 be
\
.
small.'" :
'

, . ,~ .
The A.i1dlego stato'd~ objeClive1y with rell1ity. ~ Adull ianol '

related 10 age,bul is in/1uenCedby eclucatiOll,and expm_,

When it is i~ated. a person «)11~' and organiu informa-
tion'l"ediclpooSible consequences of'vadous"";ons,and I!\DkI:
COllSC10US d"",sions. Even thollgh a~iOl1 is m.ade from the
Adult, il is noll1ecesoari1yaceura18iCin.(orm.tionis laWt>8' HoW.
ever. usinsthe Adull C,811 .,
help 10Ililiiinuzt regettable actio!Isand
_ incre_ a person'spotenli-'~or~",'.
When ,thete is inner conRi~ orlelf,deCeadng interaction ~
, lweenthe in!",rCbild:and P~nl. the A\lulleso I\I1le,odin,"r-
'"

Cere: il CDI1referee.' arbitrlte. fmd, colJlpromises, and m!lk0I1O!ll' '

decisions Corthe expression of the inn.r Cbild. II can $0 _pt

oe,rejecyParental assumptions OI1,Ihebasis of rell1ilyanhppro-,
priaten_ To Ichievethis.inteptiol1 of personll1ity,the Adull
, m I.pI1I\1iowledS. lboul\l1e Child arid Parenl ego ,SIi'tct Thi.,
is parI~f self-awarenes.. , .
. '.
A pe,..,n,s spontaneous ~ of peDOnauty resources, can be af-
, '
"

f~ed by eso boundary proble",s. If lhe ego boundaries am 100

lax, psychic enerIYslips erraticaDyfrom one eSOSlatD10an o\her.
, .causinsthe person 10 be highly UJipredtcllble.lfthe. ego bo,mdae. ,

ies are lOGrisid. tbepsyc!l.ic enerIY is ''Jpcked" in one egos~\..

.xcludiJlsthe othera;Thisproblemmanifestsitselfby a contiJiu-,
oUS \lie of one ego SJlte-th. peTSOD'ohoose.1O act abDostexdu-
, sivelYfroin \heYarenl. the Mult, or the Child. When Ifaumaor'a
,piliDSup of DeptiV!lOXperiencosoecurs,the .So boundaries sUC.
fer lesiOns.Theresull is a IIow of emotion .ich appesrsumeai
soDable in terms of the stimyjus. The Adult'. clear perception of .
eurrtlllrell1ityeaaaltobe <XJIIIDIIIinatedbyp~udic:eilbeUefsand,
childh!)od delusions. '. '

,
 /,
'"
 i
l
218 BORN TO WIN j
'
When a. Peooltlint gains Adult awareneS$,~pairof'ten ~-
sul1$,The ,pe!'lOl)can r~acl ~oJhis ynoomf'W"ble .fe~lingby bidptg I
out, oopp.ng QU~gettll'8 nil of orhe... do1ftgnothmg. orpu\ling .
ihe \Adulteg<)s..te iaexOC!I!iye contr()1 ()f thepenonality and I
8()ing ab<>ur th.e bUtinef5o his or ber ,()wQIi 'fe,
"rUD.IUII
'O! '.
. TlieAdu1i 0$0. ~...te.. "1'~Iiv~~
"' IiC!lIlle~ihat~pe~n
. . .. . ..
is alwaysacting from. rhe AdU .
11. 11
~
..

I/IaUh e A<l1Ih auows ap

IuIsits,contd,
-
.. pJ'~te
.. . . ~~prelSjonoralleg<)
. . .~ta!C.~~Use
. .e~
... .. .
bIIuQnto mate to a total peI1Qnallty.TheMIIh,,~uDedIn"...d
k!Ii>W'w~n lUIimpuJsem~ lie ~p~\oVI1II~at
...hon'it l1j\1Stb.iconlllilU:4 Or~tOlit
mom'Ut, . .
Foi'rhe /.<Iult\Qgain e-..tive~
'.' ...... pre.silre ~d
~"'allty(Jftbe
'tJiis..ePcst.alellllistbe
a~yated andi\lS04.Eyeryone Iulslbisl'O)~ntiaI,"".eJ(thOughfor
'so~e it mayDC?lseedl"so,B""1" JjI~"1I\e ~&y;.;i .\;.it'.",
. ~.fadl<) iiI'hear" 1ft Sl)jftOll"e'$ 110\I.., that\doeSltOtmean he.llidts
01\0;he may h"ye .. gQOdOII4.""t It 11$tiI.'" ,!lined o!)anll
w...medupbefore it .Cailbe heard4early'..tI~;. .
.Whell;y<>Uf AdlI1tCSO .t~ .,is I,!!~ b~8!I4 , 11I' "'!~in. ~t } ,.'
" ean" .,~II'
Y01lset"" ..
course
.. oi""""!ite..."""\ilOK
. .. . .. .. ...sempll¥-M
.. . .
. ~.
Poll.hprove:rb~,,*, "ltlhClJi i8no .wind, roW.'\" , "
. .
.
"".
~
"
, '

EXPEa~AND 'UEIlCl8BS
 . Thft Adull ~go SIOlt

Doy"" have any regrets? Ifso, what cOuld you h~ve done dif-:
ferently'! What can you do differently no",?
.. 21'J
,

. Do you wish you had spent more time or less time with- ,

. anyone in paracular?
"
" aware 0fI"Or ,perha;;' afraid' '
Were there choices you weren~
of?
'

.
,

'

Did you discover what you value? Are your values what you

. want them tQ be?

Did you discover something
'

you ~ant to ch~nge

"

now'?

2. Your Last Hour (fanta8Y)

No,", li:>okat yoUr life'from another PerSpective.Iinagine Ilia!

,you have one hour of life l,eftand you can spend it with who,lIt-
ever youwisli." , ',' ., ,
,. .."
. Whom
.
,

togethen
wbuld you want \<I.bave with you? ,
How and where would you, like .to spend the last ho~r
,', .

. '
.

Does the perSon(s) know you feel this way?

3. Breakina Out of Your Buh Trap

-. - ,
If you feel trapped in any area of your life or up against a w,aU,
try the following fantasy exci1rsion. ,
J
. Close your eyes ~nd fantasize you are ba1ihingyour head ,

,
against a high, brick wall, trying to get tosoroething 0'/\th~ '
,
otlter side, '" '

.
.WatCh yourself bekling your hew.
Naw stop bashing and look, around:'
. Find ,
sOme way to gOlaver, ul/der,or'araund,the waltwiihout
bashing. If you need something 10 help you., invent it. ,

If you think of yourself as ','boxed" in, rake a fantasy !rip into a ,

bOx." " ""
 2SO" IIO.N TO WIN' ~ ,
o Imagine yourself curled
u./' insi~ How d_ ilfeel? DOc.it
p~'y"u froIn somctlWta!" SOatcooe?'
.. "n~ne ;vel'8l.ways afgcl1iDg.out~fyour \>Ox.Now, get OUI
of,. it .', ". , ,
. ". ,," "
- ~!,you have "'apcd.(rom your box,."".YOJlrsc1flimn.
,'. , . .
QUlliae,undera,tree. ..:' . ,
.' ~,Lbo~~~ I.Oolcboiytat yoiU bolt, ~ at the RS',Jf1ke .
',:',",',::"'<': {.-:
',~~,' _,._',,: ,_:"', ",..'__ ":"f',~~::'.',-:'
,~;" it you,.i up~a~..t boIJeitln.andiI-you'renoi1Isscn,.
", to OIiI..,..that'
'.0 il't
ih.aas;" . . '-y -~aOIl'1
".'
do 111_laml'
. of
.. Bui1dym;~ all~;'fcudtioard,ne,..pa~ ~ja.tl'
. yO\!fllea4 against is.t.9<Ik~hind you.l./hctie .'siJilplQw.y: .
" ~. ". <;
, G~ ab..cardbr>Jnl~x.~inlide_pull ~illeiid.sk .
,1I;tC!re
awbjle ... ...rin uch wi!h y~ fcetinp.. Nqt,:II!e811
, _.,Looi;~ lJieboX..LooIrat ~ ri$. 'or ~ .W/Jtht;" ,:".
,
!"'!",:, - '_' ,",,"-, '. , ,'.',1
" ,'"",' '""'-
," ",," .:.,"" '.,
'r '"
,-".,')
'~_~lhequcssiOml' ,-,,,1_.,:,::, ',",
,,' :;;t.:~:::",>" ,;':"/'::',>-.:~,::,; ,,'_'>;,'<:' ,,",C,
. :",
, -Isft bY.anyclIanee UlJe ~ l.bui1d my oWn:w8l1;.11 \sstQ
.
,", ~':CIi!In,box?, ,.'
. ",,' "

~:Jl''', what ',dOtiger OUIi>(il'for m~t'I

. - Wha.does
, ,~., it dO'so o~,. -, .'
':" '
o ~1iAiposit1onsdol'reinfo~
" in m,..if?
.. " . '

. o :Wts mps lid t coli... in' doing Ws?

'
. oHm. does if Ii! mY~
.,
"
.jT'
,"'I~tJUs ~baI t "!8IrY wan. 1\1I:.myse1t'l '. , _
,:
"", _",' ,,' "::'_'", ',,'
_' "',, ','
','
"
NOW'~:basm~~~7' ,~.'
~':~':'. ",
" <~~
" .'.,"'~".""_'"t: ~t,~t~". ,

:":""<, ;,'" '..,:~~," ...~':-:.

~~~1";:'::""''';':'':'~~'~;'<~<':'''''''';'~''':'':'':
,
eo.: COII14I(Poirifili IIIGt; ;.,...",~t"" j;,/fNmtly
,
,
' """"tJr.~, frw-J/N '-III ego "f4"'"
 ,lTIeA.k 4e ""... 211.
. Do ol/le you of doing \heir thinkinaforthem, putting ,

words in their mouihs, never Jetting them stand on theiN,wn

.
two feet, havin. all the "!1""?'~ beina una~ab1e 9f un. ,

reachable? ': ,..,...'

~ -

. .
:.
- - '- --." '> " -',' -','
, . '.DO yo\l cvangelize,~dW:.or bulldoze qd!ers!'
Examine dosely the grouJlSwith which you afttUa~.
'Is there room for d~within '*",~tiaI\. or,
are mOstqf the membr.s of the saft\e piOn? ' . .",.',
. Woulclyoll1'Parentsba,~' beJon&ed(or.liIt~ to havO~"<
longed)
~ these groups7 '.:'
. Is o:realivethinking appreciatecloj repm,scd in th~sroups?

,
. Wh,t common opinionsclo the groups }'OIl~Jlg to I1OkI'I '

. If you tend ,tobOlong to resetting UOUPS.quCStioll..whether

they really solve problems orjust talk .rout ~,Dolhey
approad> problems from one pomt of view or ftoQ1~y'l
. Do your groups depend on yo" to make ~:.ons fori#l~t
", .00 yo!, tel! thelllwliatto oo?~"""gelhell! to thmlr " aCt
". for ,thell!selves? . '
.:.
'
,
"
. How'often do say ~ould,M ~ought:' or ''mUst~to othCl8?
"''' "sbOuldsM'orParent "dIC>ulds"'l.
Are these Adult I.
I
.

; What subj~ ooyoufmd yourself~g " . '

heatecllyand Fe-
pea{edly abQUt'I ,.
.'., '
'
. Collld it possibly,be true that you are expressihg 'IOmcolle
.e\Be'svalue judgments without applying yq,ur own thought
and examination to the subject? . ,
, / . .
'
Consider: Could il p<mibly
'
be '_'1ulI 1.'-""',100 II'IfUIittIy
onJlf/I'iIIopP"'J>rldl'IyI"""
my AlluIl <go.rta~' ."
,
:. 00 YOu.find yoursolf to ~ Overly analytical, tOO ratiol!al.
nonspolltan~us; &l\d1IIad>i!lelikemoStof the timet..
.
'00 you consiste~tiy deal withclata Processil!~ rarelY ejl:
pressing parental concern 0, chilcllilte pla~?" '
. Are yOu alW&)'SratiOnal With money; I!ffver ~splurting~ illl-
pulsively or overindlllging someone with a Present they have .
always wanted? "

.
 ,

282 . BOI!N TO WIN

, , ,

.I?~youhav. litil. time (ar rccre,ation or JUStdoing nathill!?

.;D6 you b.lollganly tapro(essiolllll ~ups-gr01Jps ~w~i~
~
'. gath~r primarily ta .xchang.: data? ,':",
, "
:-,-,"'';

· "'<>W!!link o(your close,(rl~d.. Ai< IhCylimii~ to l1u$i",...

.',.'
',' "'",.."
""""
'

?
; _atO$ , ';. '., '

. Whenyoug~to 8'~itl..th.ri440 yo~alwa,. ,';'kshopat.

'f"mdllQ)mClaadpther datafl'OlIi'll"gatil'ie~?"
.: ,. _ .i,.:
,h
', -', \.~.'.: .. .,.:-'-". _.,'..:'.':": :',, ,.:-,>"" .. '," _":',.':
"',
.. '.. '
".4rey9u,lICCIIsi!d of \lei_. ~Ilal'un" '>rof ~nritt~1<iag you~'
,', , .
'.. Sl\ar~.ofre$pon.ibijiltfOtth~ ~ild~rf'? , '. .' '. ."
;: .. _ .. .. ..

.!>O Ytl\lJmd tab.. machi!t.;-$eomplllcr J1ustgrindillg o~t

.:-.. -.,': ..', -,.." ',~ ", '~:,',"
-
,

" tn(ormatiQnan4 deCjsioll~ "

/' ", ':, .' '
'
'
.I><I~ ~yo\lr Allah ,to ~1I/)lJaJi, to eXl'lailJaV(aY
"
ta"h$
'"

,
a!l4prcjudi~ ,,'
'" .,"
'.,
',.t', ..
'.. ','
.1)(, you use it 10 ...tiCkup for" and.,.,tpetuatc
'"
P&(Cllt opiinoilS "

" <tII1It~.!t a~~tQOthmll\l'lJin~fOt ~u to~x~lIIiIlein~.lCelJt;

1>1.:_",:

.~Po~'lIIu~JttO:~lp,t/1e
'. , .,>:._':<'-:"

Chll.4 ~cO"~ oth.rs eD4io!ll~e~'"

'~_"
.' " ",«,,:',,~
.. ,
ChUd"lioOd~ iea~!iS for pl&yiIlgpmes? '
- ,
.
~
, _:'::, , , '. '
",: _i~:" ",,'
" ," '" "', "'~
C!/!ISi4cr;C~l4ld.il~,!b~ ~ I,," IhQi,I OP.llll~.fre~ltlly '

D1!d10'. itlapp~rla/~Iy/1Pttt
"'J' ChJ1~ep '/D"?« ...'
..~po yang/ve others' ;'~lhOrity Overyou in~anyway$?' .
,,' ", I, !
..
I:',': ""'~", ',:'," ,', ,'", ': ,.'
. D Q O.th ~... d'o you rt hinlci' n g fa r.you,put wards it\yaur ".'
mQuilt.
. ..mOtheryou.giv.y<iJ\tllu!ls rs.oftencometo,.ourrescu.. P ",
... . ..
... . . . . . . . .. .
. QrkecP youiil yaur.plec.? .. '.' '.' ..'
, I

.., ~eInine.lllc FoupstQ wllich~aub.long...

,,,,',,J,, , , ,;,
\', ,,:', ',..
'_'"
~,N'e they prim'i9ly fPtfUJi?,
""','
. ""':",

'-,<'
"~ F~avei!In'o
,,:,'
.. .n .
' WI'lIS 0 r bu!Iii I a!llhOn tie..~
",,' '",,' ,,',,-, ",' ;','
""..,
',:"
,T,
",'"
I
..
,,':':'<-
1..F<ir edVljilgyqu.JUjwto
"""'"
. ,,"",
.... . . ... '.
.."",..'<
.
..
t.un.y..urH(e,?'
"<
.,":: .
. ,,", . ..

. \ .,' . .1

oJ.)lYyou t~"),9Q.-b~~ ol!..panid"" ~e~~iJ.i'Ii!~~

.
.o(prQ~I. __44eclsiollfl >':'. ". " ,'..'
,
,. .pOYO!1Io~k100~rs(C)r!WastalJtapprov.l:crit!cls~.or.~
.port?, ,.,' '
'.
'"

,-

i
 "

. The Adult. Ego Slate 283

. Think of you~ ten clO!'e$t friends. Do they have anything in
eonuDon?, Are they playmates?, Do the" serve as parent 'fig-

.
ures?"
Dayou
.
'often say .'1 can't" when yo~,rea'llY' mean ~'!,'\Vo~~t" or
1:1'don't wan~ to"? .'

" '.. -

5. Your Eao State Portrait

"
. .
UsingdrclC$ of different size~, draw your ego stllt~P<>!'Ir..tas
YOIlperceive yourse/fmost of the time. Your portrilit 1I1ightloqk
something like fig. 9.7 below.
. '

. Do
. YOIlsee yourSelf as ha~mg a f~vorite ego ~t.te?
poes your portrait change when the situation changes?' At"
wo~k? At home? At school1 At a pariy? Where else?,
.. Does it change with oe,rtain people? A boss? S'ubordinate~
Sp<>use?Children?' Friends? Who else? , ' ,

. . \. . -.
Now ask a child, sp<>~j friend,~lative, andl')f bus4les$as, .:
"

sodate, to ,draw hQwhe or she perceives you~ Notice any dif. '

ferences? .., "

' ,
J\fterX:0llha ve drawn YOllre~o 'stale portraits, both from. 'Y0llr
,
'
'

own ptrspectiveand that of others, ask YOllrs~tf,

,

. poes this ,satisfy me? If not,what needs' to be changea?

. What contracts do I need to makclWhat
need to raise?
Adult questions do I'
'
'
 .284 BQRNTO.WIN .'
"
".DeeoD~ati... V Aliwt: .

b~e' eff~jv~ methQd for d_otamiQati~&your Adult troln the

p,rcii~ of your t'arenl ,d.li\e1ttUons
of yilUrChild';..\o re-
~me )'011'~tieIIa. ."
. "
'..,.!'

Forp_i
"'..'..'.
COiIlamlllllllo".' " . C .

,..'
,'.,.,.' ,.'",",'. ,., ',,-
.,' ".', "..,,- ',.'
o
Li-tfour adj~)'OII_ wbe...t8IIGIIIs.ab!wt~~ a '"
"

'dlff~(.~ ~. ap. te)l8iotl. educalion. <:laSt..~... .

',8/'OIIJtI1,'.OIi;,f~~pIe~,
, ...,
". "., '.'.;,'
Well
:WOlnettafe';
-.e ' ' " ~
J.'
',~L' " .'
.-,~,.:;,"{",":':;',
<,
..Jews ' . ," '.
Qen1i1es are, . , '.., ,
,,'
Blai:lts ate , ' ,',.
. '
Whili'S ate

-_:... '>
'>," i.,' .i;,': ':c,',:::,\i,>'" ':' :.'." '"".\~~", <'. ",>":'I':\:l "~:':;
'000 yOlib.",e .QtIiclt,III'altd"'*t~ "ilalli toverilY~tr.~
helie!$,or ,by .., .dt8o"",.baw youtaked~ ~ ~d.OII .
,,,,-Ihe "*IS o~ ea~? ()I).'h. bUil ofb~:OtI
""
. lhe balisof MaStnieiii. j)lI>iranl'lI\ing'T', >:- - .;:, :(~-
.
o -lilow re.v.erse'y.. a""II'J>!iens; Uaips adjec>l\\'Osthat ..
.
rev _ oflhe ..t.i'yOIi-II~, Wha' dOyou'dI6co~er1.. "".'
,'., , :;, . . J_,.
,'. ~ ':;'_ t,- ': "~,,',::",,
'"j'\,':. ':~.
f;onlair!/R4l,.1/oS . .' "',',
" "
P'I"
::':';', CN'" ", ,,;<'_"~.~ '-"'_ - ,_,', - I.' ,:'" :."_
... DI1yPU.illeo 1Isj;,word&indic""llg ",bat" ypo.are waitioslor.a
. anagieal,Per..,,, er_event'!.Wqrds .""h IS ,:,,-
,. .
When (if o!lly),~/sht .ballt~,.. ,
,Wheq1iC onIy)J ie",iaMe~,>, " -.' .
When(if only}I.ge'
~"'" .: ' .'
,
.
."
::::1Yr:t~~:iIf-~f:~ft~;,:.' ,:"
. ~yon often_:wOlds\11,\i~~~thh.k, 0(~"~('!1
. OJ1e~lj/l~~.dWllIt' "'~.\I~", ;-, , ,
,'f'';' so be~S$Jj\"t'.. . ';" :' .;.:
.
'"
.'I'm sOs'lIpidtil81.:: ;'
I'm. so deprtssed'lhll., ,', .." '"
.
-. ,
 . 285
Tht Adull.Ego. S/Qrt

I'm so confused lhat. . . .

~ Whal do you frequently slale ahout yourself'?
I'm so . . . that.. . . '
. Now reverse any of the ahove assumptions you havemacle:,
forexample: :
. He/she may never change so. .
:
'

I'm so pow.rfullhil!. ..' .

I'm so. '. ,t~at.., . .' . , .
After you. have considered possible Parenl and Child contami.
. ... .
nations/ ask .ypurself the following questions,
. Am I satisfiedwilh what. I've discovered?
.

.
.. What do I need to re-evaluate?
,Wbat do I need to change?
.
Whal conlracts do I need 10 mak'e?
. Wh~t Adult questions do I need to raise1
,,' t

7. ~aming fromYour Projection.

,
Olhers Often serve as mirrors. When you look, you see yourself!
Learning from your projections is a useful 1001in self-knowl.
edge Let us look alone way to begin. '
.

,visualize someone whom you particularly dislike. . ,

. What are Ihe things you don'l like about tIIis pOrson?
. Do you know others whO are this way1 Do you also,dislike

. Ihem? .
NO}Vvisualize yo'urself ti having ihese same Iraits.Seeyour.
self in action.
,

. Do or be the very lhillgsthat, annoy you i~ olhers.'

. Now raise tbequeslion; Could it possibly be true tltatl am the
one who does or is' these things? ~.
.

Now "isuallZ~ someone you partieularly admire.

. .what are the things you.like a""ut Ihis.)"'rson?
 186 BQRNTO WIN
- Do )'OUknow oth.rs who possess similar traits?. Do YODabo
admkc th... pepple? '.'

- Next, visualizO yourself t81kiDg.walking. performing. doing.

11I01being what you adntkc in th.m. SCC1 yourself .. having
i thcit"tr'lits. ': .
.
- Now raise the qucltiou: Coulcl.it'possibly be
th~ I have
the potcndalto actu.ny do aad be th... thiugs m)'sc1f'! .
.
f1~ au. k keep tWo ICpatattlisll. .
.
~. 9D one ti$tWritc down an t)je.tbinP you liccusl:othencit(lhe.
rejects me, he'$ ltupia,my husband/Wite is. fOOliug aroUl1d. .
. lhe'l alwaysaagry,litha"," me,~,) . ' . . .

- On the oth.rUlt'keep traCICwan th-.iatcments of admiratiou

, YOu mlike (she's iO lIffectio~, h~'1 thoughtful, iny wifI'I
hUSband always knoWs the right thing.., say, he's great with
,children,' /lei so/le is. very clear,1IIe.)
- At the. end of the week,cumine see any
)'oarllsts. 1><1.)'011,
;pattcms? . . '.

-NoWraisethe-questiOli:~d il possiblybe th~t:l..,:.?

. For exampl., "CQuidit posSiblyhe true thetl tcjeciMaryfor.
die veryreasolli I <;!aimshe rejeCtslI1e?""Couldit~yhe
out of this marriage'... I h... ~
true that I'~ like 1O.'WaIk
. '. . .' .
Dick of wlllting to .do?"
'. .

8. W81'D1q ,",m Your!JN8m8

MillY pe.,jlle claim 10 forgetthei'r dreiun$.Jf YOD~ 9RC Qf

th~, ke.p ~ncil and pa~rby your bed IiDd 'I\'f!Ieyour
. dream.downimmedial~Y. Eve!)'dtcam hasam~. Todis-
~ct.the messageyour dream haldS for.you; Petls so.ts the
.
following ~ssr i
. .1
. Octwrit. dI. dream <IGwJIaDdmilk. $ list of.ill the details ill the drol!lll.
overy person. eVery !hile. overy giood,"md then wQrkon ~... to be: I
"""",...h ..n.!i.f!he\D.H.m it up. andrWly Iransforminto.., oflbe I
dIft'_t i Reallybecpme1hattbin.-wil it is in . dream-be.
it U"YOUfm.pc. 'f11r1Iinto !,haIullY f!OJDrwh er is thcre-tbe .
deadtbine. fhe live tbinc. Ibe demon-aDd .",p~iD~ms. I
I

.,
.,I
 , Tilt AdIIl, Ep'S'lI'~ 187
'
Next, take each one ofthcse different Uems..characten. and parts. and,tet
[
. them have encounters betWeenJhent~ Wrhe .script. By""'t. a script"
me.. have a dialogue between the two oppoaing pans and you willl1n<i--
especially if you get the com:ct opposites-that they always start out fight-
ing eileh other [20~ '

. After you ha"e ori<ed through a dream Qra dream fragmenl

,as Perls suggests. ask yourself, "Was I ."ellding something in
the dream? Was I running away?'Hiding? No. able '0 use my
legs or "oice? Wha'?"' ,
'. : . Jf so: is,il umil... 10 my teal.llfe avoidance pallems?
,
9.Problem..solvIDg Teelmtque
lfyori ha"e a problem lhal needs solVing-such as how 10gel a
job. how \0 ehange a behavior pattern. how 10 improve family
relationships-activale your Adult'by following specific steps.
Some sleps may n~1 apply 10 ail problems, bUI alleast consider
,them as you move through, the process.
. I. Define Ihe ~blem and write il down (yOIl may fin41hat
what you Ihoughl was the problemisn'l ~he basic one).
21 Whal are your Parents'opinio,ns. information, and be-

. .
havior concerning this problepl?
Lisl whal each of your Parenl figures would say or dQ "

.,about it. "

Lislen 10 your Parents speaking in your head. W rile down

Iheluhoulds. oughts. etc. Now list whal they avoided and
, thtir nonverbal :messages.
3. ~x~ consider your Child's feelitlgs.alliludes. and infor- '
.
.
mation about the problem.
List the feelings you ha".lhat
'

are relaled 10 the problem.

.
. Are these stamp's. or are they legitimale feelings?
Are any games being played in conneCtion with Ihe prob-

. lem?' ' .

Dl>es Ih. problem fil'inlo your construCtive. destructiv~

or nonproduclive scrip.?' Are" any manipulative roles
, .

being played? . ,

.
"

4. Evalu~le'he above Parenl and Child data with your Adult.

Whal Parent attitudes hinder youmsolving the p,n!>lem?
. m lORN TO WIN .
Whal P nl anil"d~ aid.you in S!>IYiD&
the probl~m? ,

Whal GbUd f~liDgs and adaptations IUndef you in S!>Iv-

"
. ins th~ probkm?'Wha! (:lIild f~ and adaptations
aid you in solvins Ihe problem?, .' . ,
," Whal tOiutiotl wou\d'pl_ your PaR..t? Woulcl il be,ap-
propriate Or cXs\tUCtift for )'011to cIothis? .
.
" W ho;l."'IlutiOll woulcl pJwe your Chil d? WOUld il be apo
,propnat~or
. cXstruct1ve? ' ...'
.

,. bltagiMaUema~
'.. ways'to soift the P:i'ob1eIn.\)f,) 1101cen- "

sor any id_.bIs~ad, use yol!rLittll>Prof r ahd "b~. '

slOrm,~ COme u\l With as many J)OSSibi1i~ as )'j)iI can-

~V~1tif some _m,ridicuIous,',., '
6: Th~1tcon$id~d.lt~aildextema1resourc~~ryfor
eadlbrainslOrm~ sOlution. Are 11\"Rs(IuJC\!Savail~e?
Are they appropriate? '. ' , '
'
? Estimatetheprobabili~ofsua:as ftomead1~~.
W."s oul th_lh!olare I1OlptlSlible.'
'. '
,
8., select tWo «it lhJCe tbM e the most possil>le. OIl ~.'ti.- ,
.sis ~th" f&\1tSancl}our ~alive imaginaliOft.~~
decisiOII. , , ,', .
",

9,B~aw "
of the ~ of yoIirdeci$iClIi.
'
\ . -.
"
" Decitions \bat "feet~" may be sati$fyiAJ to
l"" that 1iIak~. )'Qu fedlincomfort-
aU ego states; A deI;iSioD
iIbIe l!Iay haft your parenltd'Qr Child fiJllfillJapioat it,
may ~aUy be IlarmfuJto yc>mselfor,others, or !Oaybe
si~piy th~ WtonJlkcisiori. .' ' '

IO.~tabli.sl!ihe ConIJa~rl)iJ'lIee4, 10 ca!'}' oiatd.~.cIt!ci-

.
.
SIO". RiIisti.,the appropnateMull
cOntraCL ','
quesllons ,\bat fil your
.'

II. ImpIemUI)'QUr decision with~OII. If pOssib\e,~,kll'"

ilt ",snIiIUfty.Tben!llOft ~ Wjth II10R ~er. '

.
12.E atatllulR..gihsahd weaknesses of Y9ur plait is you
8" aJoq, Mlke'iIt!Y nec:asary adjuslliluts;
,,'
','

U. , ,EnjoyY"urs~. 1¥1i!>1 beOverly c.ut CiOwnby )'Qur

faihim. team from them and,start agailt. (:oIISIcierJohn
.' .' '.
'"
 , n. ..." E,. St.,. 219
Dewey's statement, "The penon who really thinks, learns
quite IS much flOm his failurts as flOm his successes."
When lose.. make decisions. they usually put the blame some- " '

where else if thin.. go WJ'OUS-When,"winne.. make decisions,

they usuaUy take responsibility for them whether the decisions
are right or wrong, I

I
~

I,

1
.,'
 10
AutonOmy and
Mult Ethics
M1'" ulll_,lydecidi,fm:
"

II lid In Ih..1Id, "",CDllon _$I b<I

education iOW(l1dlh. tIbI/JlylO
Vlklo, Frank/., ' ,
,.

Irlmulfl.

.' '

I ,', ,:
",' I
Ac!U.viQg autOllOm~ is th. ullin!att:goa1iillr~nal~. I
8eUlg autonolllOIll means btin8 ..If,govenung, delltminmg I
one'.OWII.~tiay, t.aking responsibility fOI on.!. own actions and I
r..nllg!l..an~ tbro'Ning off pa~ tho' are inelIVanfandinap.

. p/op~iate to Uvilliilt !h. !me ,and now. .'

Ev.ryon. has ths cap~ty to. obtain a measUllofau\ol10lilY.
Bilt in spite of \lie fact that autonomy is a human birthright;' fow
,actually achieve it.Bern:e write."

lot... i. bOrnCree,bu, on. of lite flllt thinI' h. I is to dOas h tokl.

'and h. spend! the rest0fbis,lif. cIoiasthaL ThuS!lis fillt .nslavem..., is to
hi. paroou.f:(efollov,o.their instnletiOD$forev.""o r'wmna only in
; SOm'c lite right to cl\oooehisown methoda and consolin, hi_lfwith
an nfusion of autonomy 111. '"
'

"
luffer IUIdeI th. iUusion 0 fauto n"l'.'Y if they think th 'Y
PeopJOIW'
,
'
, ,
,
, ::~=:-~~:,~.:~~=~a:r~°.:it:~r.~;
, , ,

,
.~ampl.. a peraon who II Parent p,'Ogtamm,d to ~ lII\.vang.lUt
may Joil),the d$iIgJCeUIand!h.o With religious zeat.evanpliJe
" oth,rsinto foUO'Ning.Choosiag the ..ttlllll:for evang.lizingmay
.
., . m.nt to pallntal
or
slv. th. pilson the illusion ~dom wh.n actually th.tnsl.v.-,
instructions has only,"n d~uisld. . '
Similarly, a woman with a SC;ript
JiklB.auty and the B.ut may.
beli.v.
, ,m'sh. is.freeiQg\I.~lf from a Uf. of misery by divorcing
. a
. . i' .
 AIIIMOM)'"lid AM Elida 291
beast, d rcmorrying when actually She may be only trading in
ol1e kind of beast for other.
A truly autonomous penon. aa:ording to Berne. is one who
demonstralcs "the relesseor _err of three capadtics: aware-,
,

n spontaneity. and intimacy" (2).

AWARBNB88
Awareneis is knowing what is hapPening now. An ...1!>n01I\!)US
pert9II is a"""e., ~ penon peell.away the layers of COI\IamiD..
,Don from the Adult and begins to hear., amen, touch, taste,
'
~tudy, d evaluate independently. Shedding old opink>nI that
djstort present perception, the aware penon pen:eiVCI the1\'Ofld
thrnugb perfOnaJ encounter rather than the way lie or'"," w.
"taught" to see it.
,

Knowing that life is temporal, an aware person a~atcs na-

ture now. An av.\arepenon experi",,_ that part of the onIverae' ,
known to the self. as wen as the mys\ery of.those unive~yet ..
be discovered. An aWare person can stand by a Jake. study a but- ,

ter""!>. feel the wind, and experience a sense, <\f awe. An

, aware
person can look at a sunset and say. '~Wow!"
An aWare person listens to the mesnges of the body. JawoLiing'
, when he or she is becoming _or relax<>cl,is being open or wlth-
,drawn. An aware penon knOws the inner wcirld of feeJin8s and,
f ~ and is'not afraid or ashamed of them.
An awll1'epenon also hears other people. listening and giving '

.active feedbac:k when they talk. An ,aware penon's psychic energy

isn't used, to form a qUC$Doo,<:reate a diversion, or plan a mental
counterattack. Instead, he or she attempts to make p\line eon-
tact with the other person by learning the skills ofbOth talking and
,

listening. , ','

An awareJlOfSOl'is all there and fully'aware. HIs or her'mind'

and b2!Iy respond in unison to the here and ~: the body is.11Ot
dOing one Ihingwhi1e the mind focuses on SOIII!'thiJIgelse. ~
perSOl\ . '
'
,

doesn't use angt). words while smiling.

doC$II't frown Or _I ;'hen the ,,"'won calls for l'I1Igb",
doesn'i rush through a picnic to get \laeI< to something thai
"really matters.", ",
, , ,
 ,
'
, Z9Z, .O~N TO_WIN,
.
does~'t ,mentally write'an important business letter \yhile
.makUlglove, .' " . .
.
40esn't rehash w~t happeped last ni'~twhilewiiting~hat im:
portant letter at tM om~, , ,
" '
'.
wear roae,coloredglas~s'$o' avoid the hard fal:ts
~f:'n't 0'
"\
'..,
.
.
doesn't riddle . w'hile
. R(IIne bums,
. . . .
, P"'pleW~O at!: .."'at!: kno", w~ere they are, what they're doiils,
..rt;,liow they fe.hbo'uli~,AsAbraham Wnw".. observe!t lfWe
eoul,f I!ntknowwhetewe ... and wbither we are tcnellns,we .

Couldb'cotter
ju~ ",bat to do and how 10do it," .'. ,'. .

. TIi~nt $lep1O!~e8rati()nihwarenllls. with the ~j!Ullasexec-

utlve ,'A'perS.i , nwho~m.. ,.ware of.aCtioglib Iyrant o'r..
sulJnandeCk\ewllat
. . ,
"' .
10 do ..boUnhil' behvlor...whe!herto ,
.. .
,
.
kDO~njlyk~ ii. Qwn.it, "'d,bei~ <Ii'whether lOihrow ii in .the
paiial0l!8 with ibeJestof,the gar\>a8C,if thai ~ what he'Or she de.
, ,oj_. iti" Perls cl,.;l)'Is,"Everything i$gtoullded ill,(lw~en"l3I,
~ ~. ..' ... .
I

SPONTAmT1I':
.
$P\'Ift~elty isth\! t'l'Udolllto cIt~fI9m,t&cftlll ~um ,of

,
,,~a;U:~~~::;~e'~:J~~I,~;~::k:~:~s~:::;':~ .

.ntOlis,andflexible-not j'~ly impulSive:Thil persOn~.Ih.

lit,,,, options a',oailable .,.d uses what beb'avlorseemslo be lIP"
propriate to the sl~tion, an~ 10 ller orbi~ goals, . ",
A spontaneous p_ tsbbera.ted, m.klng and-accepU.!Ig reo
Spoli,li\)ility for pe(Sqnal.choices: Thb pe,:",n gets rid of Ibe~III'
pul.1On ICI1I.,ea pred'etcri1tined Iife.llYle and ipS\ead leiln\$.tO fac:e
npo ways of think in.. fceHII'g.and
new sit\l&tIDOs. and lCIexpl<>r.e
and rc:"y*lu..~ a
:r:~~:SOl.:rbte"'be=~tiY'in~reasel
.
TIM spuntaneouspetoon usesoi' recaptures i!te"'al:lilf!y1O~Cide_ '

.,
=::;~~:::':~~,~;t.t::f:::nr;
\be'mtrq' ot"tate,fl I.Jllles pmon makes decisiQllSieve\'lthou8h
~ DotalwaY'ri8h1, personaJp4IwerremaiJ1sundfrec~d and
,he edUcunctear OJ'unstable. DeciliOl\lessn accordin&to Mat-
.

tlD Buber, b ,e~~".ViI i. the aimless whirl of hu",anpote~tia1i.

 A "'Momy IIiId~AdMllElhlcJ 293
tics withoutwhich nOllling can be achieved and'by which, if they
"

take no directiQl1 bul remai,n ,trapped in Ihemselves, .verything

goes awry" [5J. In 'this sense the autonomous person is on. who
lI\ak.s decisions which give purposeful dir.ction 10his or her own
iI
'

po.l.ntlaiities, Within realistic limilalions, the person knowingly

lakes responsibility for' a self-imposed deiJtiny. .
To consciously decide for oneself from the Adull ego slate is to
.
be free-fr.. in spite of b~sic instinctt or drives, free. in spite of in-
herited charact.ristics and' environmental influen~ Viktor' ,

Frankl writes: ",

.
'
'
. .
Certainty m~ has insti1K:t5,but th~instinGts .~~ not haft him. We, ~.ve
~othing against instincts, nor alai¥'- a mar.."s.ccep~& them. But we .hold
that su .h ac~eptanc. mUSIaloc prosuoppose Ih. _ 'billt\, of rqec
'
don,In.
otherwords,
. the" -muslhavebeeafreedom
. or. decision... ..
"
".
..

. . '.As for inberitance, iesearch oi1h~re~y has shown how hi8h'isdl~

"~re. of l1,u~n,frtido~ in the face of p~isl'OSition.,F", .xample,
tw.n. may tijlilddiff.rent b...on Ih. b..is 0' Ideo~calp~lSp""uon~ Of '
a pair ofidenticahwins, one became a cunniDgcritBinal, while'his,
. b~thor
.
..
,.: becamc=an. equaUycunning ~rimiliologist.. . ~ ...
. . "_. As for enyironment,we know "that it.does riot make man, but that
eVerything d.peo~' on what man makes of it, on hi, atiitud. toWard It (6),

,
.
A person musl do more, however, than make a !lecision. Unl.'F-
'

the person actt on thai decision, il is meaningl Only when one s

in,n.r .Ihic and oUlwardbehavior match is a person congruenl and
whqle, A sponlaneous per",n is free to "do his own IlIing," bUI nol '

at the e~p.nse of othe" through .exploitalion and/or indiff.rence.

INTIM , Cy .
,
,

Intimacyi. expr.ssing lI1e NaturaL Child feelings ofwar.nilh, ten,

d.ra art!!clOsenessto olhers, Many people suff.r from art in- ,

abili!y to ~xp'esssuch
lrue of Amencans:
closen
. .
Maslow secubis as particularly"

. . ..Americansne~sO"m~y ~ore,therapiSt~ than dte'~st or thC'~orld I

needs because theyjust don't know how 10"beintimat~that t)1eyhave no
intimate .friendshipfI,'bycompari$on'with the EurQpeans:and that,there.
fore, they really hs.. no d.ep fri.ndS to unburde. th~nlsel."
,
to (1),
. .

AutOnomo~s persons ri$lt friendships and intiniacy when they

decide il is appropriale. This does nOI ~me easily to J"'ople who
 ,
/

.
-- -- - ~--~ :: ---
 296'.
,
. . ~N TO' WIN. . .
.' - ..".'
have restricted thair affeccioDalc-reeUI!JS
and are 1101in the habit
-,.'.',",'
'-'.
.'

:r..:~~~.;~~~~r=~==:.tN=rO'~
theytry..' . '. , .
'. .
.
In the,_ '. 'i of
~" thisc:apecily
forlptimacy,
apeltOD
becomes more open~leamUo"l8tao,~ becoIDes'mOR!':If,re.
vealiDlbydroppin8-.e O(the ~but. alwayswitJI.the
awarea'essof the AdolL The perI01I~rai!lSfrom tto"~DI wi,h
others .iDways thai preY=t ~""8'!'Oids U$iDs~,
ctOIICd~. i!'" playing the penoJIf*YS,""'cs
ooly if it isalXlllSCiool8decision4.,.ftap iol ,.tshID8!i>~1
~.time Ql eDel'8Yina pat!ieulu~\II"skll8lion. per.ortdOes
IIOlf<)l'OOoth\=R10play~r, RC8CIier,Ory~'"" !O,-lir 10
remainCODIIaDIChild; eoilititiilPareDi, or,COIIII8nlAdutt In.
slead, the pOrIOlIanemplllObe openaod a!llit.Iic,OJIiltingwith
.
others in Ihe here and now, aod also allenipl$ tq thers ia their
" .OWD .11I.iqUeness. nOttIm1..p dillO~ of pasl experiences: T~
,
.,.:OOn do"'n'I'''se acCIisation as
.
'
. '\ ~ .

''You:re'just", sloppyasyo..r mOther!"

l ,.'. "..
., .
"",' ."
"f,fyfall!et c:ou1dliuaythina- Why C8D'lyo,Jevenfi'!th~ "
,.water (8ucct1-,.,' '. ..\ .".
""', :,'

" "Yo,,~ jo.I"!!e my brOth~, alWjI)hhininjlb{ "''''I,}'~

'",want!,.', . "".;~;/
"
,"Yo"'rejusl,like my sister-everjthin8hadt~ he.,htr; .
way!"; .~. '
,,<.' 1

People who rejecl awareness. sponlaneily, and intimacy also re-

ject the responsi\lility for sIIaping their owlllives, TIley think of
Ihe)Dselvesas"ilher lucky or olll..ay, a min8withOIIIquestion
~
that' '- . I'
~'. .'... '.
.

it's 'IIJeIIIIrlohe. and can't he ch8D~d,

;/ c ' .'. .:.
. .'..."
,

. Jt'S meailltohea!ldsbO~ldn'I,he
." "".".

<ih.I\~;
/il's~dC)bcI,"donTy cancbanseiL
I
"
In ,i'onltast; ..iIODOI"ilollgpe["",s are concerned witll. "bCiIl8."
"ihey'allow'U"ir()Wncapa<:itie.1O unfold and ~ncoura8e olhen 10
. 41Hhe same.rhey-projectlhei[ o~n ptISIibilitiesinlMhe fUlure.as ,I

,":;.'
 , _ A"" ElIIIa 291
realistic,gPaIswhich pve aim and purpose to their Iiv!=s.They ...,.
rince only wheDthey arc sacrinc:iDga vallie tor a greater
'-"
'value according totheit ,own val... s,.tem.Tbey arc not con-
cerned with getting more, bIlt with beJJtr more.

TBB INTBG"'TBD ADt1LT

People mo"lIltoWud alltollomy expand their penoDai capac:ilies
for aware spoDtaneity,&lidillti~. As this OCC\II'Sth~de-
velop iDtegratedMlllt egP states. FilteriDgmore &lidmore Parco!
and Child material throup their Adllit &lid ,eamiDl Dew be-
haVior pattems are parts Of theiDtegratiog 'process. Berne de-
scribes the iDtegrated Ad!llt [I),
,

. . .ita~
, .
'"
that ..many __ c:ertaiacItik\-likequolili.. becomdnlO'
' ' . '

grated into the Multego atate in. manner different ft'om thec:odtamina-
'1iOD process. 1'b&m~m of this "inte1f8lioo.,resnains lobe eIuo!dat-
. cd, but'it can be oboerved that<:er18iD people when IUnCtioniog
bavoacbll'lilandop.na.ofbature_iuemiDiocentofdtatoxllibi1ed
Adult
I
by chilclten. Alonl with th..e JOce,..;a reaponsi fee1iop Io!"ardtha '

rest of bulll8llity wbich may be subsumed under the cIassic:ol term .... -I
thO$..On the othq band,there'_ moralqualili.. wbicb_ oni~
...peeled of people who undertake grown-up respodSibi61i01. such a\tri-
\
I
.' I
I

'Etbtoal _Ibtll'lj
. Objeotl..data__

---
Pef8C88I.ttr...ltl~.

;',.

_ Ordor
Iftruc!ural AD..,... of tho Adult It I
 29& - B()RN T() WIN

buw u cour.. linc:erity. loyalty, and reliabililY, whiclt moel nOI.

mere I'!C"I prqadi_ bat aworlcl.wjde'.thos.lD IhiI""d
JCIUCtile ~dull can
be Did
to"'" cbild-lik.""d ethic:al ~but tIIis remainJ tII. mosl ob-
area m struc:I1IraIana1ysiI.oo thalli 11110\pOIIihle at Pr-' 10clarity
For _demIc pUrpoaeaand ill onjer ioexploin "".wo Clinical .
ilcliDica11Y-
phODPD1 however. il would be defensible to ...b<fi1rid- the Mol' into.
th ,

. 't~. IhiI m
'.' i~. exhibitdIIeekindsoftend :.~.. that Ulyoneftml:lionin&u an Mull
I/tOIoIcI at~
and ~:.u" ~bjeoti..<Ia"'~ and.thica/r..fIOIIIi_
.\
.. . This "leira~ ~ It dUlimin&eu:;' an4 cour CIC.,ill biI
Adult ""'te;wlilte\ier qaOliti.. he bu ordOel1lO\ "ave ill hJaChild and P .
0111...""' The "1UIiII~. peioon 1114y""" to bliJig clt8fD1in8.
. and;may foel that he .,w,,1It be ~.raa""ui (101 "
.
The ~rson in the p,om. of inlegradon takCl responsibility tor
everylltin. he or sh. feels, thinks, ,and believes and also either has
or devOlops an OtbiCalsystem for J!fe~ethos. The person also goth,
en iIIfOrtnation ud compntCS olijective1y-techni~ [lIIIn addi-
tion. the person dcvel9ps social gra~ousn... and expe!ien<;es the
emotions .of passion. lenderness. and suffering-pathos_
. DUringthis process the ego slalel go tbroup a aerie. ol'chan
whiclt areiUllSItated in FiJ. 10,2. '"
'

p..
.
.
A-"
.

ffi .. .
C

..AdUlt 'Adult,' Ad:ntt

'A or llplUDtad ]I'U__
Pat..t~ Qikt, Dt-oaaCamiDutlob' .r8ehf.riH
,
. '

~ porseD~os.Adull is inlegrated may.revert allim..lo ar- .

chaicbehavk>r from Ihe Parenr or Cpild. Perlsclaims thllhere i,s
. .
 Au,onomy QJldAdul, Ethics 299

no such thing as IOtalintegration. However, in tbe ongoing process

of integration, a person becomes more and more respoosible for.
. J.
her or his own life.
Tbe il1\egrated Adult appears 10 be similar to. wbatEnch
.Fromm calls theful/y tkveloped pe,j()n ml, and 10wbat Abraham
Masl!"", calls tbe self-actualizing person. In addition 10 using their
oWn talents andin\ellects, Maslow claims, self-actualizing people
iake responsibility for others as..well as for themselves bave a
""d .
childlike capacity. for awareness and pl...ure. '. '.

,These iadividuals CU$tqmarily,have 5OQ1tmission 111life, some taSk tq 'ful.

r.u. some problein outside themselves wlrich enUsts much oftheir'energies.-
. . ."In general, these tasks are QOD.personaior unselfISh, concc_row rather
with the &000.or~kin4 in general, or,ofa D!ition in general.. ':' . Ordi-
narily con~me~ with basic issues and eternal questions, such ~Ie Jive,'
. customarily in the wi~t possible frame o~referenCe.. . ,Tl1ey work with.;
in a framework of values that are, btoad'&l1d not petty, universal' and not
1ocaI~and in terms of a century rather ~aJ1 a m(Ullent. . . b~ !he ~on.
. dcrfutcapacity to appreciate again and again, freshly and naivelY, the basic,
goods ~f life with awe, pleasure, wonder; and even eatasy, however stale.
these eJlperienccsmay havebecolnc'to ot~ers 113],

It appears that the per"",,:.vho is most fully In lOu~b with his or

her own buman potential is inthe process of integrating the Adult.
This person: has the honestconce~,nda commitment toW'ar~'
.otbers tnat are cha.racteristic ofa.goodparent. the intelligence to
_ solve problems tbat is cbaraCteristic of an adult,'and the ability to
create;_cxprt;ssawe, flD,dshowaffecUQD that are characteristicof,a
.
happy and healthy child.

ADULT FEELINGS
At tbe time oftbis writing. research wotkers are still conducting
further studies in an effort to better understand (eelings in the
Adult and the integrated Adult. We believe that unless integrated,
the Adult functions oD.ly as a data-processing macbine.
An unfeeling machin.e as'tbeexecutive Ofthe perSonality would
create an inadequate personality_ A machine bas no etbicaI value
syslelri, do emotional capacity. It cannot cbange or program itself,
Therefore, we think it istbe integrated Adult that contains Adult
feelings and. ethics as well as tecbuiesl skills. and' ability_.
. .Feelings tbat are copied, usually as attitudes or belfefs, are likely
 JOO IfORN.TO WIN ,
,
'

10 be in the Jiarellt Feelin ,pt"P .' . in

'rlen«d infancy and child!lood
are I~ylo , be in theCbild. Feelinpllral area gtlllilll' rupi>tt.tt tD
, , ,
, ,
, ,
,
, ,
, ,
,
an a£/Jial ,'Iliall... /utppl1lill"0W are likely ,Io/l,ve 'SOmeAdult
involvement. Eilller lIie AdJlIt infOrms Ihe ClII1d of lIIe sil1l&lion
sOiIIal!he reSpo~ is au~ticor certamfeelinp bave,~ inle,
graledinto lIIe Adult. , ,',
,,'
,','
"
, For ~~.."le.an8IY temper !antrums are rackclJof the ChUd.,
'
',"

·
,
buLlORi!imal~,indilnalion !lr OUI/ase Ihlids baSed,on oboervinJ , ~
aj:tuafinjJlStice ipdicate Adullresponsibility.'" .' ,,'
,
, 1'fUsllII\d adl"iraliOll ar" reelings<»' I/le Cbild ...lro believ,," tIi!I\
~Ie ~ OK. BuI""'U!ne res""'l or Ol/lm ~d 011o!lject!1/O
,
.~liOJ!Sof Ihem is Mull; \ '

Dcpressioll is an Indulgence of lire Child. ...hereas <l8IJI8ir

a Ira8iCrealily.,
i~lies Adult awa:reniOSS'of ",',
Ouillred inpc:a,n be a s\&mpaddode<lIO,IIIO Child 'SCOlIec:ti ,,'Qn 0/
can be an,adthenlic
, , response'10 an aclual wrongdoing.
, , ,
,
, " , '.'.
Sympathy'islikelyto be copied from a parenl; un)lentaildi~
involves AdulljnformaliOll., ' '
,

'

ADULT,BTHICS,
,

"', '" c.. ,', ':':... -..':,,: >':

Tbe processoOnleS/aling serves as ~ cat,aly.st mOlivatitlllbe
-
". ',-
','
"
..'
,per-
!iOnto re-evaluale a ~nlvalueSy..m and 10desip . t>et!iOnaI.
elhical-COde' , ,
" ',' '
',If a penon does somelhing ",00d~ beeaUs,~ofa mould '
fHi''!1
, f/!IID Parenl provamming. this ISan actqf, Obedienoe r&!hft. thJII! '

one' based oil an' Othical principle, AlUIough, a, Parent-pro"

grammed acl may be wholesome. it is IIOI!lecessarily baseel ()n the ,

. penon'saulonomous, elhical cJeeision.,HistOry is, rlliedwitl)

buman tragedi~s of '!naware ,obedience. Ireaedies broughlabQul ,
'
"-use people blindly COIIform.d 10en-aulhority whose pDrppae
was 1O,I\eep otlten <lepCndenl,unabl. ,10, chaIIg~., <It 10 ,~
.,' ,,', '\,'
diem'".; ,',"",', , .',
,',
To' .~tabIiS1t.~IIAcJvllcode of ~tliics. bolll Par,enland ChIlo!,
" ,
opiniQl1S,atlelf"lInp iteeel 10 be SCtIltinized obj~...ly""iihtlle
,
MUll. 11tis..ruliny dOes nol imply I1W pejt teaeltinp are n_ ' "

sarjlytllrOwn OUI by the, rebeUioU$ Cbil\l, forllll!l1Y,.,epu

I,""
'm,lta fa!iol\ai,ethical sys~m., !tatller. bo~f'.rCpt'nd Chii'd,
valueure."amined. Whalls foundto~ arbitrary. iiI'.lev~1, or
, destructive is ~rcled. Whal;" found to beconduciv. 10srow\ll
,
I~ integrated. This pri>cesI'brif8' into. question mary treuured .
 .
Autonomy and Adult Ethics )01

opini~ns-opinions which may have been carefully handed down

from gene'ration to gencrationtl1'fOugh the Parent ego state and
.
perhaps oheyed by a compliant Child. .
A person does notbave to be enshived by the past, but can tran-
scend past influences and respond in freedom. Using tlte Adult
ego state, a person can re-tk£itk what is right and what is wrong
based on. actions that,.when examined in their realitY,preserve'the
'health and dig~ity of the person and of the human race.
All. Adulqthical.system is based on an AdultI'm OK and
You're 0 K. This Adult position is differentfrom an unexamined
Child position ofI'm OK and You're OK which is basic t",mental
heal~h. but which can re~ain either as a naive, exaggerated sense
o( OKrtess or as a manic refusal to'recognit't a-riythingnegative
(14). An ethical position;evaluated by the Adult, reflects a basic
respect for oneself and for Others un."1 rea.lity indicates otherwise.
It is a position that d.isa:imirtatesand recognizes the negative as,
.
well
. as the positive.
The protection, enhanccment, and well-being ofpeopkand the,
pro~ctionj enhancem,en~, ,and w:~l1.being ,of the inanimat~ and
animate natural world are fundamentals on which' Adul~' ethics
are based., Adult ethics are supportive of human life~supportiye
of winners. '.

A de~sionis ethicalifitel}hances self.respect, develo~ person.

al integrity and integrity in re.lationships, dissolves unreal.barriers
between people, builds a core of genuine confidence in self and
ot~ers, and fa~ilitate~ the actuali.iing of human ,potentials wi~hout
bringingharm to others. .
A decision is not ethical if as a result a person is exploited and
used as an inhuman object, if hUmiiOHfeis threatened fOrulterior
purposes; if barriers are built between. people, ifhuman potentials
are belittled, squelched, or ignored, and if there is no possibility of
free choice'. . .
One's value system can be judged by Ihe way in wl>ich a person
relate, to all things. The ethical person e.tahlishes a practical,
workable, coneerned, and enhancing relationship with the tOtt¥
environment. '
. Human survival ana oontinuing deveit>pment depend nolonly
on how we transact with ourfdtow humans but also on how we re-
late toOtherest'of ol.irenvironment.' The inanimate world, which
.includes rocks, sunsets, w~ter, and air, 'and the animatcrworld of
living plants and animals are at our mercy. We have the power to
enjoy them, to enhance them, or to destroy tbem. Wh(,A:e misuse
/

:iIn' BORN TO "'IN'

them by poUuting air and waterways,.by rendering land barren. by
c:a:usingthe extinclion of a specie.. or by upsetting the ecological
,balance, hIs out ownexistcncc ami-continuance as a race which
are, in thelbng run, thte'ltened, OurowlI exploitation of our envi-.
ro~onf\!l!ll~y can dcx>m liS .to.a tragic enditlg.'
1.1>elhi~ person doe. ncitdisc!lunt problcDlS o~ thejr~
'cance. bUt iDstead U$I!IIIeslli.tt Jieoplecan Work together to IOlve
theDJ..,1.I>eUU~ per501Iworks pe""na,/ problem.. eomml/Dity
probJcms,and sUdt viorklwide{>rOblems as those caused by ralS
"!\iI~th.:teatavia,yai\!a\!l~ando~p"'aIioJl-&\ld~ts !
~t ~dca,th&liil bo~~tom,ilijolJSofpel\ple. Aljethi!>!l ..I
pelJC)11t.an~..asBen!c .~u~,",,[ISlagaiDBI the f"\1U1"
. H~~m<!l!-W 81'.Pestilence. Fam1!1c,andDeath'-Whoseim\OCl!nt
~ ... tjlei1ltanlS. of IUlti<11\S,
.and the resultingbleak¥SS
w'hio!l'aCsIhejiev""ues are ig!lor'iS' and give way.to'ugiinCs$. A.n
.lh,kiaIpo:~!\req)g!Iias ihltt aP!'!hJ iJ co!lsellt in ma~sUdt..
l!1f'a'ntmortality, child beatillgl. Qrban det.rioratiQll, and,~,
employment, education. '\!Id hQusiIIg practices, A.n ethicalpersol!
is j!1di~t!/V~ ~injuries and injQSIiCC$,sutTe(Cli1>Y.h!!f!I8!I4y
~d'!t\.. to,,~.them, ~ .tllil'l1lper$o!lis awll,!Co«a re-
.

"I\01ISi""to,~~!I, .,..
A.netllical pet'SO!lWOrksf'.'m: IDClivira!lm.!lt in IVhii:h
.>
1"'OI!le.,
~. "",co,!,ewinners,theriShes "",daclualiz~ persoI!al~en~
. Dl!d!>ecom.eslhe'1t'iWrj,te Or she Was'boll!-to be,.. .'i

. .
it lakes countse.tO be a real Winner-!IOt ;" wiMer in ~seri.e.of
,*,,",gOQ~ someone else 6y""ways i!l.iisting on comi!lg outQ!i,
.' top-butll'willJlCl at l'CSfIOD4in$to life,Jflakesl:o~. toeXpc,ri-
'eMe Ibe fl'eedoa. thai comes with iultonomy, courage ro acceptin-
. ~and ~)'enPO!!IIICI:.Qther~-,rage to.lake a
'~ilm '\!I ~C4use,cour. to.eh~ ...t~\iC;ity ow.
'IIj!jIroVlllandt<>~ i!a&aiJtandaga.in. "!'ura8"toa<:eePt,tbe
.
respo.wbi\ity foryoutn_ cItOices,and.
~~ ""-I ' q~, 'J1eISO
. ..
"IIY!>l!~
..~,.--!l...ltPbettFtpSt ..eJtp~
,
indeed,~~to&e~
y a"'cN ,;wan. ;81t-_O~II ',!!~ .
. ..it, .'~fO'lfl\&C'
. is die
...,
huiI>'UI
. .. . . .. . . . ..
YitIU' thal~_,-courait!ll actQ1ttlmitedknC)Wledge . and
l..s.m~te~e.! Thai's 8I1)J1Yof Q$~a,,,,,.~' . ,... .
, The path ,<1f~ elitkalpel'SO.l1whn is au~mo...ly ~are,
spou!UeO 11!IIl al)le ro be intimate
. jsnot always...,; however,
-

-
304 BORN TO WIN
if sucll people recognize lI1eir. "losing streaks" and decide against
lIIe IIIcy ~ likely 10 discover tllallllcy w..eborn willi wllal it
. .
takes to win. '

BXP~NT$AND EXBRCISII8
1. Y AdUltlttldU , , ,

Indcvcloping YOIII'own <:ode,of Adultctb.ic::s, examine all lIIosc

arcu w~' your life toucl1es.lb.elives of oll1.crs-wllere your
opimllllSaff~ people wllo maybe liWIg a pAtdistanoe,flOlll
you and/orwllo may be exlre ly differenl ftom yoo.
AIsoexaDlint yourbcilavior and attitQdestoward your low
"'I-
vifl)llGtcut.~a<:Iuding1ft. ittanimatc as weU.. tile, aoinl&te
,
World. ,

i'ro... your :'dult ask:

.

.
"
.
'. WIIo andwhl,do /value?

.
"'WlIoand~tiiotlivCf9I? ,

'W:IIO_ Qat would I die tor? ,

,.
fWb.t dncsD1)'lIf. mean to I/ICI\OW'I
, ,;
. Wllat oould it meau? ,
,

'

. Wllal
.
-,,:. ," .:. ".,'
', : "
d!>cs my life. mean to olllers .now? Olll~rs toco~e?
-.
'.'
Do I~ iJ,sucI1a
" way as to prcscm and ~1Iee~~n1,
.
.What
, is rHIly importaol? ',',' '

Ust!.llc live dtin!;' you valutm~st inlif.: '1

'I. I
2. ,'--.,
3.
4-
S.;

i. "
2. : I
3.
4.
5.

,"
 JOS

.
Study YOUT
priority list. Ask yourself:
How do my values relate to my bome
,

life, my social life, my

. job? .'
How do ,they relate to my Parent and CbUd ego states? "

.Does tbe,.way I am living my life now reflect what I say'I

value? .

, I, Adult QaeetlOlUl oD Your LIfe

If you are begiDllil1g to thill!< at a deep level about ",hO you
really are, wby you arc., wbat you are ieally doing witb your lif~
"I1d wbereyour pre"I1t patterns wiU lead you, let your AduU .
becomemoreawareby asking:
. WhO do I feel I "",1 (fro", iny Child experience)
. WhO do I believe, I am? (fr()m my Parent opinions)

· Wbo do I belieVeI am? (from JI1YAdult data-p~OS> .

. Do other people treat me like a p8;rent, adult, OTchilli?
(spoUse, children, friends, busiu... associates) ,

.'Who do I want to ~!? (today; in S years. 10 }fears.20 yeafS)

..
. What potentials do I bave for becoming tbat person?
Whal are Ibe barriers?
Wbatain I going io do aboUt tbe potentials and banit..?
'

.Do. , value thaI wbich enbances my potentials?

. DO I value that which helps othe~ develQp their ~I1tials?
. How eao I become more of the winner I was born to 'be?

.
 Footnotes aTul
Refere1JCes

CBAP1'BS'ONB ~ J.ooea"
"""
t. M&(tinBubor. Ha#dbm altti.M."" MiIII(N<'IIYo!k: IWpcr 4!Row.
.' .,.
. 19SI).pp.13J.144:'" '.' , ,.'
2.K.. HOtftOJ',S.U'A""!1N(Now YorI<:W.W. Norwn.I942). p. 23.
.
3. Murid 1__. WltG/, DQY.~ Do With TM" N...ThD! ..r, "" Got
\1JririttT""""",iOlltllAll4ly,i,/or Moms anti Patir(Rwms.MI,s,.:
~~-W..Ioy. 1974).pp.4-~.12. " .' .'
4. FredOrickS. Perll,G"",1t TMrapy V.,/JaIi.. (Lafay~.CaIif.:R.al
-'People ~ 19$).j>.29., ' ,'...
'. .'
,. Froclcri~kS.i'lnIs.Inanti.Q"t"M.G~<Poil(Lafayet...Cllif.:.R.al
"
.
'
People ~(969). ..p. ,~ .
' ".,'
" R1!IOsllid Games'of , )
. . 6. Abrah Lcvilllty anS Froderiell: S. Perls, "The
, O~1!It T\>era,y.:' Ioen Fagan and Irma !.,eeSn.Pbtnl. Eds..G~talt
Thfflll'yNaw (Palo .AltO: Science and Bebavior Books,. 1970). pp. 140'
I~. , ", '
".
7. J.L More~o.,"Th~ Viennese,Ori~of the ,Enco~m~ Movel1)e~1.
.
PaVinlth. Way for ExiStOnlillliSDl.
o"",pP*hoth~.,,!,d Pay.bo-
:dran>e.7Group PlyehGthefJJPJ', .voL 1Q<ILNo. 1-2, 1969.pp.7<l6.
8. PerIs.Gtlll1It Th " JlII'I1Qitm,p. .12t. '.
.
9. Iblli.,p:66. ."..'
' ,
10. IbIII., p.,67. . . .
II. Ibld.,p. 236. . . '...
, .'
.12, Ijric:II."'MI PfOp~
" Play (NOWYork: Orove 1964: Andrt
.Deutsch, .Ltd.). . ,'.
' " '
13. Erlt.B~Prltl<ipl.,ofGro.,
" 7Ttat...nt(N.wyorlt: Darosa Un;,.er-
IityPreos. 1964).' ,

14. Ibid., p.216., ".

306

.1
 ,

\
CllAPl'ER TWO MAu Ovenlew of TruuetI ADaJ701aM
\. Perl.; Ge.I,.kTherop, Verbatim,p.40, . ,

2. See ,Dorothy Jongeward, T ac'Io.., Anoly'" Qwervlftv(Readinlo

Moss.: Addlson.Wesley, 1913).A _tte.
3. Eric Berne. Trdn.racllonolAnal)'J# In PJYChothmtp, (New Vodt,
Grove: """',1961; Sonvenir Press of LondOn),pp. !7-43. ,
Cf. Paul McCormick and Leonard COmpos;1_« You_I{" I.'
,Tr cil.nal Anal,lil: A TA HOIIIilHH1Ic
(Stockton, Calif:: Sill )0..
quill TA StudyGro~P. distri~1edby Tronso<tioIWPnb.; 31~ Cobese
Ave.. Berkeley, Calif., 9470S. !969)., , ,
AUOJee JohnoM.Dusoy, ''TIIDSI<IiCmllAnaIysis," in A ~',
Oulfle ... P'y<hiotr, OIId,P'y<~)'J# by Eric Beme (New 'York:
SiIoOl!Ihd Schu.ter, 3rd cd., 1968).pp.271-306. '
4. Be",e, Principle!.f GN.P TrtIfII_III. p: 364,
S. Ibid..p. 1S\. '. '
'
6. Berne, Trtl1lJQt:,l..o/ Ano/yn". PJYChotM"",,; p. 32:-
7. Berne. G_, People Pilly. pp. 2~. ,
8. Ibid, p. 29. ,
" StruClureIlIIdDy
9. See Eric Berne, The .f OrgrmizOSf<Hu
osuJ
. Group,(Pbiladelpbia:J. B. \.ippmoott,1963). .,
\0. See Claude M. Steiner. Gum.. A1co/JoIi<'PIIly:T1reA,IIo/yJiI.fPI' '

Scrip" (New Yodt: Grove 1'ress. 1971). .

Cf. David&_, "Freud on the 'GaIIowsTraniaction: .. TrtstutItIii/ft-
0/ An.!!'" -Bullelln.Yolo9. ~o. I (JIO: 1970),pp. 3.5.
. .
11. Eric Berne. "Tran..c:tioaalADalysi$." inActive P")'Moth""", Harold
Greenwald, Ed. (NeW York: Athenon Press, 1967). p. 125.
'..
12. Berne, G People PI.,. p. 64. ,

13. Berne. Principles .f Group 'Trealmen~ pp. 269-278.

14. See Thomas A. Harri..1 QK-You're OK (New ¥odt: Harper"
. Row. 1969). ,,'
. ,
IS. Eric Bern'e, '.Standard Nomenclature, Transactional Nomeoclature."
Tron'tk'iOll.1 An.!!Ji' Bullelln; Yol. 8. NO. 32 (Oct 1969j,p. 112.'
Cf. Zelig Selinger. "The Parental Seoond Position in TrellJi1en~"
TroftJOC,i..o/ A no!!,,, Bulletl.. Yol. 6, No. 21 (JIO.I967). p. 29. '

16. Muriel James, "The Downscripting of Women for ,liS Genetations: A

,
His10rical Kaleidoscope:" TranJocti01lol,Analp;,JoriruL Vol. ,3,No. ~
(1 1913). pp. 15-22.
17. Greenwald, .p. Ci~. ~. 128. ' . i
, , I
CllA.I'TERTHREE''TIMIH D.H-..' ier ~ aacI "..
a ~ " . .. "

I. BerllC,GomeJ People P/o)\ p.IS

For a focus QD stroking in famints.:5CC J~' Wh'QI Do, YDat DoWilh
. ,
,TMm Now'. Tho' Y e G., Them?pp.
,. 1'6-17. '..
 ,
-
308 BORN TO WIN
. . . .
2. R. ,Spitz. "Hospitalism:. Genesis of Psychiatric Conditions in Early
ChIldhood." Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, 1945.1: 53"74.
Seeals,o "Hospitalism: A Follow-Up Report" an'rluAnacli,tic Depre$-
sion." I/Jid..2: 113.117 and 312.342.' ,
'
- 3. Berne. The Structure fInd Dy,namic3 of Organiztlt;ons :and,Groups, p.
\57. ,
4. Film.,: Second Chilnce, American Medical" AsSociation. 6644 Sierra
), .
Lane. Dublin. Califorma 94566.
; S. Su DorothyJon8~ard and Contributors, Everjbpdy Wins; Trallsac-
fiona! Analysis Applied ,10, Or:gal,.izalions' (Reading. Mass.:
, ,
Addison~
: Wesley. 1973) pl',76-78,' .',
6. JacquJ Lee Schiffwith Beth Day. AU MyChi/dren;<New York: M~
.' EVM1~.distributed in association with J. B. Lippincott. ,1971). pp. 210~
211. '
7. Planned Parenthood Report, publithed by Plartncd Parenthood Wor'ld
,Population. 810 Seventh Ave.. New York, 10019. Vol., I, No. ~ (JuDe-
July 1970). p. 3." ' .
8, Virginia' M, Axline.' Dlbs in 5.tarC'hof self n~ew York: Ballantine 'II
Books. 1964). pp. 85-86, .' ,
9. George R. Baeh'apd Peter,'Wyqeri.' '{'he Int/mare' Enemy (New York: .,
William Morrow. t969),p. 302~ -
'
10:,Berne" Pri.dplesof Grollp Tre?-t1nenl.pp; 314-3!,S. .
,.
II. See DorothyJorige~ardand C()ntributors.pp~72~78.
. 12.J:'or inrormatibn, wdte..Thom~s Gordo~. ph.D;..EffectiYeness Training
Ass\>ciates, lne" 00 Euclid Ave., PasadenA, Calif.. 91101.
'
13,~idney~: Jourard~Dl$clo:Siilg Man 10 HimfelJ,(Ne'(N York:-Van-~,os~
, !rand ReInhold. 1968).pp. 1~151.' '.',
,14. Bernard Gunther, Sense.Relcq.at;on (New York: Macmillan. 1'96&). p.
,
13.
"
IS.Cf.' ,Eric Berne. '$ocial-" Dynamics: The InfilT'acyEq.uipment,~
. . rransactjon(JIAna~vsis Bulletin, Vol. 3, No.9 (January, 1964). p. 11'3.
Also.VoL3..1'10,10(April.1%4).p. 125, .

CHAPT~11
FOUR ,''Tho D.-alDa ofI4fe ,Scrlptlo"
,.Perls;(;tstalt TherQpj"'erb(Iti~ p:,47. - .
.
.'
.: 2., BerJ1e. Pr;n~iples. of Grouf <Treatment. ,p.368. _ .
'.
3. Sd Dor.othy Jonge~itrd and Contri~utQrs. . .
Chapter t, "Oi'~nizations
H,ve,Scri;ptS,.'1 ,
';', . ','.'
4~ .S~t Dorothy Jonsew_rd a,,4Dra'Scot~AJJ1,:mQtilJe ~C:,tidnfor Wo~~:\
A /'I'tJ</icQIGulde(Reading, MaS$.: Addison-Wesley. 1973).~hapler2.
"Women's Lack of A~hjevcment: Th,en and'Now'"
,1. Set Dorothy Jongeward a,ndDr.uSCOtt.CJ\.apters.l and 2 The.Orga~
'njulion 'Womu;- Then and 'Now" ~d "Women's, Lack of~chieve.
ment Then and Now.~"
 , FoolllOIejand kfer~ 309
6. Herbert HendiD.SuicUk arui 'SCtUldinavia QooIewYork: ,Doubleday.
Anchor Book. Edition. 1965). p. 5.
7. Oakland Tri~ne. Oakland, Calif., Feb.B, 1970. p. 10.
8. ~ean()r' (-,Iexner. Century if Struggle (Cambridge:, Belknap, Press.
HarVor<! UOi;'elSity, 1959). pp. !1-12.. ,
See also Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward, The' People Book:
Transactional Analysis fot Snuknts (Reading.
. Mas.~: AddisoDMWesley.
197.5),Chapt~ 1.
9. See Dorothy Joopard and Dru Scott, Chapter, 2, ,'~Women's Lack of
Achievement: Then and Now." . ,
10. Matina Homer,"Woman's Will to fail," Psychology Totloy. Vol. 3,
No.~ (l'Iovemberl969), pp..36 fT. .
Cj, Dorothy",Jongeward., "New Dire,,1ions: Changing Family 'Pat.,
terns;" Ca/ifomia SlOte Mqrriage Counseling Quarterly. It No.4 (May
C
1967). '
'.
'I L Thomas Szasz.,'TMMyth of Men'a/.111ness (New York: Dell P.ublisb.
ing,I96I).p.23O.. '.
12. MurielJarnes. '"Ego S.tates' and SocW I~ues: Two Case Studies (rdfl?
,tIJe 19605," Trait:sactional"Analysis Journal, VoL 5, NO. I, (Jan; 1975).
Cf Muriel James; Born to Lo.e, pp. 119-151.
11. Berne, Principles of Group TreoJmen/, p. 3.10. .
14. Cf Leonard P. Cam"".. ..Tean onal Analysis ofWitc\1 Messag .
Trans,",'ional ..""lysis Bulletin. )'01.9. No. 34 (""'ri1 197.0). P. S I.
See also aaude M. .Steiner. "The Treatment of Alcoholism," Trtinsac-
tion,a/Analysis Bulletin,Vot. .6. No. '23 (July 1967), pp. 69~11: . ,I
IS. Pe,I., Gestalt Therapy Verbatim, p. 42. I
16. Claude Steiner, Gome~ A'lcoholics Play (NeW "¥(Irk: Grove -Press, .
m~p.. '
.
'

17. Perls, .Geltalt'T.heory Verba,;m. p.42.

'
'1&. .Cj Stephen'B. Karpman, "Fairy .Tales and:Script Drama ArialySis....
Transactional Anoij'si.$ Builelin, VII, No. 26 (April 1968). pp. 39.43; -

1,9.Thomas Bullfinch, The Age of the Fable (NewVork: Nerilage PresS,

.
1958), p. II. . '.
20. See Dorothy Jongewatd,"WhatOo You Do When Your s€ripfR'ms
Out7'~ TrtinsQCtiofJolAnalysis Journal. 2, No;_2 (April 1972), pp. 78.,.81.
21. Ibid. ", ..
22,. Cf also WiUial}1Brid~ "How Does a Nanative Mean'r'(unpub-
lished paper), ,Mills College, Oaklaod. Calif. . '
. . .
23. w. R. Poindexter,"Hippies and'the pttl.;:,laD)CPrin.ce,"Tran3Qcll"oriai
"

.Analysis Bulktin. VII. No. 2S (Jan. 1968), 18. .

24. James Aggey. "The Parable of ,the Eagfe,'f,' in Dor~..ss and Ugh',
(Le;ghlOn BuEtard.
. Bedfonlshire. England:
, The Faith "'e.. ,Ltd.,
..d.).

.
310 . BORN TO WIN
CHAPTER FIVE "Paronil... aDd The P_t E,.. Staten
'I.. Dic!I...,y oIQuotaJ/On~,"NOIebook of a Prinler" (Reodcr'. DiF"
Assoc..1966).p. 114. . '. . .'
.
CJ Mnriel Jamcs.W1uzt
TIuIin? . . Do 'You Do WI/h
"''''''''
Now 11ra/ YOU'1'e Go!

2. Harry.Harlow. "The Nature

,. ofi.<w":'1'I.Anw;ca~ piyciwlogirt 13 I
(12): 6~, 1958. '.
.. ' 1

AM sa H.F. Harlow and ":I.K. Harlow."SociaJ Deprivation in Mon- '

.' krjs,'~.Sc;"nliftcAmeric'!ll.
3.~unk~own.
207:136-46(N"v.I962~.
,
,
,.,.1f
. I
1959):p. .
.- ",
'_'
4. Sclma FraiberJ. TIuI M4glc
. Ye.,. (New Yolk: ~f:s,
. . .
135. . . . '.:
S. "rilt H. ErWon,"taeoility ",d the Life Cycle.~PsyclralOglcaJn es
. (monosrapll). Vol, I. No. I, (New York: IntetnalionalUniv. /'rOSa).p.
~, -.,..,. ,
68. ." " .'- ".
6. Karen Honley. Nturos;$ and HIllfUmGrow!h (New Yo.t: W. W. NO,.
lOri, 19SO),p. 65., . . .' .
. '.
7. Fredericlt S.PerIs.."Four '..Lcctu~." JocnFapnand IM.Shcp.
herd, Eds., 'Gesiah 1'/reQI'yNow (Palo Alio: Science IiuI Bchavic)r'
Books, 19711):p. IS. . .. . . .
g.
~Ri=~~~~J:i~~~/~";~:'*~
9;ElcanorRoo;evek. TIW Is MyStory(Ne'N Yorli:HarpiIr: 1917). p. 21.
IO-Uii<
. Brollfenbrellncr, "The Changing l\Jricrican Chita,'. I_at of
SoCial XVII, Non (1961) pp. 6'18.. ..
I""""
II. Uric Bronlenbrcnncr,T\V9 ""', '.
W"rIdII 01 Cltildloood, WS.a;t4.V.~~.I/..
'(N"" .York: Ruudl Sagc'FoundalioJl. 1970);p. 104. . .' ..'

12. Evan S', ~U, Jr.. l\frs.Britlge.(NewYork:VikUls. 19s8).p.

13. . "..
.
'.
13. CjJ8<XjuH.eeSchifl' with JIcth Day. ap. ell.. D.p. ,.,'
14: See MoiI,,1James. Wh01Do YW Do Wilh Them Now 77tarY G«
'Them?(Reading. M : AddiJort~Wesloy,1974" ....
See. alsa Murid. James,' "Sclf .Repasen)ing; ,tbcory and Proccso, ~
1'1aWlaClipnalA""/rli.r J_a!; Vol. 4, NO.3 (July 1974),pp. 32.39..
15. MIIli.eIJaincs. ''The U.. .of StruClI!<aIAnoIyscsill PIISIOIaieo_I-
.in ... Pili/anti ;ytholO8)'. Vol. UI. 181 (0<: l 1968,), pp- ).1'. '.
P'
~..
. alia M.riel
. . J_.B"", . /q l;ne: T7fI1UQCliolio/
. . Altalpi'
. iii I~
. . . /
Church(Reading.Mu~: AddisoD-Wos/cJy.!97J)..'
'.
.CtMliri~IJ..." an"'L.O,.risSa.itY,TIuIP._aflh'~1Iotir»n
Will: 1iWr8acljonaJ
Analyt/s_/"..I/."'~ ~1 a''''
(N/1O!YOtk:
Hai\!Ct"kOw.I974)."
h,. Plyd,,0g/11-AnlnleJoms!iaItfJIJ 'qJPIYChri!ouIii Oi/SII. Ed.
" . . . .....

Koji Scto, Kyoto UBi Vol. 11,No. 1.2, 1~5. ,''''

">-.

. .1
 Fooll"n~s,andR"~cu 311
CHAPTER lUX "Childhood and The ChDd Elo State"
1. A. A. Milne, Winnie the,Pooh (Londo,n: Methuen, 1965). Pp.. t~18.
2. Fraiberg. 01. cU.. p. 109. _
.
,
3. Compiled by Lee Pari~cGrath and Joan Scobey. What Is a Mother
(New York: SilllOn" Schustet,J968), n.p.
4. Berne, Principles ()fGl'Oup'TJ'e(Jt1Mltt, ,p.'2S3.
5, Fraiberg. op. cil" p. 109. '

6, Benie, G(l1JIeS People Play, p. 173.

7..Berne, Prl.ClplesofGro~p Treulmertl,p.305.
8. 0,",1""" TrIbu Oct. 15; 1967. , '
, '
"
9. See Mu~1 Jam.., Whal Do You Do With TIIem Now TIutJ
'
You~e GOI
Them?, pp, 33-14.
"
10., Perts, Gestall T/lerrrpy Verbtztlm.,p. 236.

CBAPfEIl SEVEN "Penonal ...d s.nn.at Identity"

"
'1. !lillie T. Ch...dle,. Japanese Family Ufe willi UolI'..d.FI__ Ar.
ra.geme.'s (Rutland, Vt.: Charles Tuttle, 1963). pp. 29-30. ,
, 2. Caroline Bird. Born Femole, (New York: Simo,Il& Schuster, 1~).p.
183. '
3. Erich Fromm." 'FloeArt of Lovl.g (New York: l:I'!JPet" Row, 1956),
pp. \8.19. .'
4. Anthony Sto,". TIle Integrity0t'M peno.ality
" (M~I",*- Penguin
!looks, 1966), p.43., ,, , ,
5. VirginUl Satir, C..joiJOl ,Family'lJlerapy (Palo Alto: Scien.., an<! Be, ,
havior Books, 1964). pp. 29, 48-53. ' .
6. 'Merle Miller. "What It Means to Be a Homo5eXuai" (NewYoIkTim~
Service.Sa.,FranciscoChronicle,Jan. 25, 1971). :
7. Peter and B8rpara Wyden. Growi.g Up Stralghl (New York:
, Stein imd
Day. 1968).. . -
8. Cf Dorothy Jongewaro, "Sex, Rolea. and lden~ty: The E11tergence of
Women." Calif Slate Marriage. Counseling Quarterly, J; No.4 (May.
1967).' ",', ." ", '
, 9. Sidney Jourard. The , Self (Princeton.
Tr..s"",. N.J.: D. Van No.-
\rand, 1964).,p, 46.
Cf Muriel Jalil";Barn 10 Lave, pp. 119-122' -
IQ.' See Do~y Jonaeward and C(JQtribulOrs,.,,: ell.
for Seminar1 abOut Career Wcllilel>; see pP' 106-109, 152.182:
. II.S.. Dorothy Jongeward and DruSoot~op; cU" pP. 2Ir.\.250.
12. -ErikSon. op. <il., p. 68. ,.,',
13. The Child St.i!dyAs>ociationotAmericA. What 10 Tell rour 9hildre.
Aboul Sex (N~ York: PocketBooks, 1964); p. ~2. .'.
14. See Renalus Hartop. Fo.r,Le/(er Word G(l1JIeS(New Yon:: Dell Pub'.
hshing, .1968). . .
'
 312 BORN TO WIN

IS. ~e Alexander Lowen, T"eJlelra~oflh<.Body (London: Macmillan,

1969). .
"".
..16. Muriel Jamc:s, "Curing hnPoien<Y with Transactional Analys;.."
T'(lI>It1C'iorrtli
Arrtliym J"",oaI. Vol: I, No. I (Jan. 1911), pp. 11&-93.
. ,
!'
"

. .

" CllAP'rBaJJ;0B! _p ~
I..lICme,I'rl1tdpk8II{G p
.' TrefJ/meJU,.l'p.1&6-288.
0"';" ~ .
q. MurielJ WIwtDp 1'...lJg W;,~ Th<mNowT/roI y GQt
T/Jem1,pp. 45-~7.. . .
.2. Ibid" p. 308. . ..
. 3.
.
Haili! G. GillOtt.Jl~ PtVenl
.
, Cii/d (New York: Macmillan, .
.
. 1967);
1'1"
29-30. . . . .
.
_
for redHI",,,,,, lOr reeogaizing familypmes, see Joltn J-. '''!'he
Game Plan, "Tro"1"</ional Analysts Jou"",I, Vol. 3, No.4 (Oc:t. IWI.
PI'. 194-197... .' ". .' .'
4.' S~ Berne.PrlIf</pk#ofGrovp~-nt,pp.
PeophPIaJI,
1'..5).. . .1Ierr1..
278-;Hj. S.. oho
a-' __IY
for @11m.. played in thecbuR;h,
LOYe,PI" 95-110. .
... Muriel Ja
.
'tJn< to
.
.
5. IIerr1o.
G , P<opIe
PItI"p.102. '.
. '. "
~ .'Dorothy Jongeward. "Game. PeOp1ePlay-ln the Office. P.$. for?ri.
.'au Sl!t;I't/ij,ie.."Voj.13,No. 12(J_ 1970),Itottrfo.rcl,Cm\!'-:. I\U-.
reau of BllSin_ Practices,.Sedion: II, pp, 1.8.
I,:

I
_
7.Ber"", Peoeh Play, p. 95.. ".
8. PerIs. Gd/oII n,.-apJI VerbDt/m,
p. 53. ..
9. fora cieIaileddesc:Jiplil>n
of _ gam..are.adapIecI. Dornlhy
'"
Jongewn and Contribulors, 9p. dt:, Cbapter). "G;unes CQ$IOI;gani-
zaIio.. MOney," pp. 23-49. , '. . .'. .
10. IbId.,Cbapter 3, "Games Be. Stopped Many WaY"" PP- 51-59.
C""
II. See DorOthy Jongeward and Muriel James, 'WInning Wili",,!#e:
Gr;ouF E:<erctsesin r_'iotIa/"rrtliJ'p,
v,es1ey, 1973),pp.
.
12. Stephen.Karpman,~Ii...,"
80.81. .
(Readillg. Maoo- : Ad<!ioon-'
r_#o.sl
. . .
A/,aIy,IIJoumtli,Vol:I,
' . .
....

No.1 (Ian. 1971),1'1'. 79-&7.Cf.JoIm James. "The Game PIan," P-195;

13; fran:kJiD I!nIst, "ell .iIy Of
~ . .ogtIIph, 1.\ ed .; Mar. I~
(moa
availahlethrough
. Golden.
. Ga.. foundaliori
.
~r Oro\1pTre_~
. . .
;'.Q.8o_ 1141,'Vllllejo,<:a1if.1PI" 13,14. . '.
14. Taken: fJOlllGdlQ/t T/Wrap" by frederi~ Perla, M,~, Ph.D.,"RaIp~
~.D., andPaulGo<idman.Pb.P. ~
f. Hefferlin:e, c. 1951by
ofrederiC:k Perl., M.D., Ph.D., Ralph f. Heffcr\iae, Pb.p" !IDd P....
Goodman, Ph.D. Osedby permiSlion of The Julian Press,,, division of
C 'Publishers, .
I"".
 FOOl"ot,s tmd 'Refermus 313

IS. Ibid.. p. 168. . '

16. See Alexander 'Lowen,op. cit.. pp. 237-250. ,
17. PorI'. Gnltllt Theropy Verbatim, p. 127.Cf Muriel James, WhaJ Do
r.., Do With Them Now,17taJ y G.ot Them?, pp. 61.71.
18. Cf Muriel SdtiffmaD, Self Theropy: Techniques f()l" Personol Growth
(Self Th.rapy Press. M.nlo Park. California, 1961). D.p.
19. q WiRiam C. SchulZ, Joy (Now York: Gt"'" Pross, 1961), p. 66.
20. CJ W. Cheney. "Haml." His Script Cbocldis~" TronsDI!don,,/Analyli$
8IIlkti.. Vol. 7. No. 27 (July 1968); pp. ~8.
CJ also Claud. Stoiner, "A Script C)loc1dis~" Tramoctionol,Anoly'is
Bulleti.. Vol. 6. No. 22 (Ap';; 196'1), pp. 38-39, 56. ,
'
'.
~B "TbeAdultEll"_"
CIIAPTBR , ,"
.
I. 'Berne. 'The Structun'" "
and DynamicS of Organiza/iOlI$ d1Id Groups. II.
.
137. ,
2.'1ICrne, f"rruuactiona/.Anatpis in P!l}'Cholh<rtlti)!,p.)7,'
3.Bcm~~ Principles df<iroilp Treatment., p. 220.1
4. Berne. TratUU1:tl/)llalAnatym In P!l}'Cholheropy. p. 77."
s. ~.. G_, PeoplePlay,p..24.
"\ 6.- Bttmc:.Pri,1Icipk8ofGroup Tnatment. pp.306-307. For clarificatiOn on
eacrgy and the _sense of se:lf as it is cafhccted. see Mu~..;;1 Ja~ and . '.
Louis Savory. The Power at tile Bot/om, of the Wi/~ ~p; 145-146.
7. Ben1e, Tr/IIIStICtllmalAnatpis in P'yehoth<rtlti)!. pp. 39-40.
Cf Muriel James, Barn to Lo.." pp. 48-52.
.
8. Ibid. p. SI. '

9. Ibid.. p. 46-
to' Ibid., p.62.,.
11. Bet... Principles of t;'roup" TreaJmen~ p. 306.
12. Berne~ TransactiofUl! AnalysiS i" Psychotlu~"'PY~'p. 146. .
13. 'Berne, Tlae SlructUTr and Dynomics of Organiza/io," ondGT'OIIJIS.p.
"
137., ,
14. Betn~, Principle~ of G(OIiP Tre4tmen/. p. 90. .
s«abt:1 MurielJamcs. What Do You Do With Them Now 17uu.Youw
Got Th.m' pp. 23-43.' '
IS. Perls, G..ratt Therdpy Vet6aJ/m. pp.211.212.
I~ INd.. p.66. '
17. Ibid.. p. 10,
18. Berne, PrillCipkt" oj G",~p T-reaJment. p. 311.
19. 16i!t, P. ~I. .
'

20. PorIs, (1essaft'17t<ropy Verbatim, p. 69.

"
314 BORN TO WIN

CHAPTER TEN "Autonomy aDd Adult' Ethic."

1. Eric Berne, Se~ in HlUMnLov;ng (New York;' Simon 8!:,Sc~uster.
1!rnJ),p.I94.
"
2. ~. G;""','1'«>1'I.PIlIy,1'.178.
3. .Perls, Gestall Therapy V<rbQt;m, 44:.
'P'
4.\IeI'ne. fiamn 1"01'14Play, 1'. 180. .
S. Martin'Buhq, Benye.. Man'ami Man (N!'WYork:, MacmiUon.I968).
, .
1'.78-" ,'"',, ',',
"
6.' Viklor E. Frankl. T~(Doctoiaml Ik Soul (N!'W York: " Alfred,~no1'f.
, 19S7), Pi>. x"iii. Xix. " ' ','

7. Abraham ,H. Maslow. £.psychlan "Moilagemnlt (HomewOOd, Ill.:

Richard D. Irwin and 'J'be Dorooy Preso. l~), 1'. 161.
8., !Ierne. Trati,a"tIOltal AhOlysl, /. p'ychotherapy. p1'.194-19S.
9. Ibid, p. 193. ' '
,
10, 1bUJ.,p. 19S. .
'

' ',' "

11. Dn.RobertQ Ke~'z'" and Jorge A. Savorgnanof the UniY<riityof
Buen.Os Aires, FaCulty of Ml:diclne. fi~t used~'techniCS~ as ,a teFl!1-to
deseribe the Adult iD Ibe Adult .
'12. -"rich Fromm. The R"olutlon 0tHope (NoW Yolk: 8antam; 1%8),1" ,

16. ',

I?, A""'haJ!1 H.M"ow,

,
,,' , ".,' .
York: Harper
,
"
I
I
I,
Mot/va/IOItand perso"".Htyi-
' '
. ,
& Row. 19S4).pp. 211.214. ., .
"
14. ,KerteszetaL. c1ai(Dthe,~dult's'~rm OK/You'~ OK" positiOR ~._qui" '
different fr()mthe marik. Child's ,"I'm.; OK/You're! OK'~' ~tiOn. '.
IS. Erie' Berne,. ",Editor'. Page," TI'OII8<ICtion.1 A1f4/ysis, Bulletl ",-Vol 8-
No. 29 (Jan..j969), PI'. 7,8. .
,

16, Copyright 1955. bY E. E. Cummings, Reprinted fromI';,.' E.C,um.

mings: A Miscellany edited by George ~. 'Flrmag<!by peoni88iOboi
Harcourt ~n'ce JOV~QVic~ ,Inc. .-
'\ ,~ '

,
 Index
'.
. .
.
Aboence. of a pan:.~ 121-23 contaminaljOn of; 2S5-56
ACcusation arid' projection. 269. (experimentS),208: 284-85
272 r coop~tion wjth Lictle.
(~xperiment), 285,86 .Professor,')52
. Activation of ego statcs~ 23-26. dee~sion in withdrtiwing, S9
,
166-69, 250, 265-69, 272-75. 4econtantination' of
,
278 ", (e"perim~tj, 284-85
"
'

Activities. . and ego slate description of~ 18,' 248-SO

boundaries, 250, and despair, 27~ 74
and tintes~ctunng; ,84 develop t 0(,23
'
Adaptauo...'of child, 157 and dreams. 272~'73
(experiment), 172~74 educ;ation 'of, 265-'66
of sexual explora1ion. ,193 ethics of, 300..2 . .
.'Adapted Child. 140, 157-63 ethics' of (experiment). 304-5
;u:uiappropriate sex' lrainirig, as executive 'of persoojllity.'
196,un 259-63, 278 '
(experiment);1~-74 , feelings in; 299-300
'

and inappropriate sex, training" in games, '189'

196-97,198 . and g.. woe f.e.ljngs, 210
laughter ;n;188 integrated, 297-99 ,
in play, 186' '
vs.Natural Child in sexuality.
,and sexual prob s 197, 198 ,
'
(~xperiment), 2117-8 in overcoming. discoUnting
summ.ary.d~ription. 169- behavior. 66
, Adrilirauon and piojecQon, 272
in problem solving
. (experiment), 285,86 , (e~perim..t), 287-88 , \
"
Adolescents. effect'of parental and M>jecQOns, 269. 272
f
. aboenceon, 121-22 questiOns from, 268-69
Adult ego state,' See also stn:ng!heningof, 1.95. 26H9,
Collitant AdulL 272-73 ,
acQvaoonof, 265,69, i'l2' 74 in-ulterior transaction, "3.
aW8lOness'(experimen,).30S Adull 'feedback Uansaction, 52
and "bashu.p~ phenom'enon. and,'awarencu. 2~IM92
247-48; , in stoppins a game. 231-32
beginning to ~now AffecQon, difnculty with (loser),
(e,,,,,rimenls), 44-46' , , .
6'
3IS
 '316,. index,._
and winners. 3-4.. Blemish .game, in'the classroom.
Aggression, and Natural Child. 114
. 148 ~ and projection. 272
I
and !!eX rold. 192 theme and purpose. 221
"Ahah" eXperience; _to, 169-70 aDd time structuring. 6,1-
Ai.', II,.twfUl pastime, 64, 98 II9dY awareness, 29r.~
AICQholand the Child e~ '!a'e, (experiments),71, 177-78,
. 1~7-68 I
"2'10-41'
' ~'

AII.marive~ value of. 249 B(llin, reeGtding l'uncriQII, 17. S...

Anger. integrating feelings -of. _ cdso Tape,s, memory.
(""",rimen.), 241-48 ..B(IIiI!S\OJ:ming" (.xperiment),
" AnFlYGhikllli'1cming A<Ju1l ,288 , ",
feedback transaction, 28 ' BI;C1Ilhinga!ICI anxiel)'
,

Anxiety, iri'egr~ring (ceti"!' of (experiment), 2«H11

, (..periment), 239-40
Appearance of your patents
'

(experimen.), 1)2 Ca4mu,' m)'th. 39

'
Ap~ropria...css of 'espouse, 2-), Chair tcclulique, 8-9
259-62. 'tiel! A!lult' ego ('xperimel),lS), IS, 175
state
a"" Change, murivation II>r, 2~
,~ ' '
Approval; >s. 'iUthenric;ity,)02 ChUd batteril!g. 57-58
infant's~ for, IS7 ChUdegost",,,'17-1g,I~ "

, qu..' roi,'I63, 166 ,~. S",,'aboNa"'rai

Atlas scrip4 98 Chid; Adopocq o.iI<I; ,

Authenticity. vs. -achie\'eD1en~ 1

' l-ildcProfessor; Q.DsIaDt
vs, approval, 302, 364 Child, .
... play~!'ring, 104 activationof', 166-.69.,
Autonomy, ~9().~7 '" (experiment). 171
and awareness, 291-92 ' and Mapte" Chil!!, 140 ,

and inrim8cj', 293-96 allowing cap_on of, U8-69

and spontan<ity, 292.93 conftic. withiti; 1~7
, a winner~~lity. 2;. . g,rltaminatioJ1 from, 251;'58
Aw~e...lI, 274-75,291-92 oontrol1e<1 by Mult exeCutive,
d~elopmen' of in Adult ego 260 \
,
stote (experiment),
.
,305 dcve.~~ 23
fanlaSy:(experiment), '
1,12
feelings 'in, 209-11),2!1!i' 300
f

"Bosh trttp" phenomenon.

(experiment), 2~1Io .
247-48
feelings .bout
r ... <experiment).,
,

S_rappe, pme;descrip..... '

2011-8' '
,

,221\0'21 ,,', and identitj, 179 '

disoount in, 232 inI1nen~ of porents on, 157-59,
..BqS4.~_,91' , 1~1-6,3'
iR\nitiatiDgpmes, 94
:
B~ul)' and the Beast,serlp4102
Bilateral contract. , 11. S.. abo
-
Ionghtorin, 188, .
. Contract learning .bont(experimentS),
"'Black Sheep:' 84. 4'1-45
, Blaming parents, 91 Uitle ProfeS$Or, 140
 I
. I
I'"
.ncllnlimacy. 296 .
momoryI'pa ('Xp.riJII~nl).. I
174 . Conllllni Pa ~ 253.'"
. N.tural Child. 140-41 . . (.J(peri~.I). :180-8\. . i
not alw~ welHnfol'llJed.'149; ancI Indmacy. ~93, 296
151. ,CqlllII..I..don. .ns.58 "
. .nd play.183.88 .
d91ible, m
1'1..11II...:!64-1\~ and IaWI.257
in p~bIO\II"lYi.. . rado \zalinnOf.2'8
(IXpOIimeOl); .2&7.88 c ".trncI-q...don IeCbnlque.
.' '*"tMo.l68 . .
.2611069"
. , ,
,
..ancI IIirt 2.J!)OWCO.It_266-~ ,
th... pettI 0(.\)9040. . .ncI Milll"o "10,267
In.lIorior cIion,31.32 to !IN'" up acrIpl'
.

" 60.
I. withdra~. .' (!'!I"'rjy!i8nl);
U6
CbUdhood.d in; 36 in~lIlaminadonot
. Adul~ .
. seuma in .00000h
with . T 8S .
(..peri""I).171).71
homo (..peri
. plctur..or(.xperi
l), 170.'
I).1*71
.d.rtp\lo1l of. II
.nd. .a. 11&10j>QJIrIll'
(..pei'imf.t)..283
'

..Ilea,.. 0( . "
I.. 188-89 I'mm'Pam" <itCIdId.267'
11II1" of. 139 IlIl'tob lvlnl 1lCllni'l1I8
., ,
. CldliliNurturin8 1: '(experi..enl); 217.89;
.

\llllllClioi!. '..",ple, 27 "qolldonllo dtVtIloP. 2iI8i.289

.
<lhild ha.in8 mothOCll,' Con\<iction... prejllCllC8<25647
(..perjmellt). 172... . '. ClIP' /11III.II~ pm.
I'm..h(tlnt 113-lol . ,d~p\Io1I 00»31
.itpr...i~ 157 .' In,. O...t ..yth, 99
ChUdr nw..ted. S40SS':, Co"" , 114. ..,'
'Cinderellaac;rip~101-3'. III iIId P"'1"*;Of, 22~
.
d.lullOn In..'257 '. Cour ..,........
)CD:..
CI.~inI1.ladonahlp' OIl of Cd.rt 11;22'7.230 '"
bo_1 in. 8 C...~n.. end the Lillie "'.
"Condn8 on," Child . Prof_r. 149-52
(..perim..I)..I71 .
. .("","rimenl). 175'77 .

,CO
. ,
,willithe Parenl...IllIO. 168
COmmonicalinn'Un.,27,28
11anceVI. iebOllIan.163.
66 ".
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inlimaCy.2911.97 111I11.
18,2«\.50 .. .

COnlllnt Child. 2S5 .eotlllanIAd.1t, 2S4

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c,duc..on ancI. 265066
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COI1tamiD8tion of Adult -by.
2S6-S7 . '.
COIi1roIICiI Io)'.¥uIi.'2S9:;61
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deoe-lopI:utiul of,l 10-13
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QUeotion.. tod p ,a con_ '1

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o' (""'_11). 283-IS.287:18

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childhood exalllf 189
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orcon'"""""Iio 257
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SeJ{~I' exprt\$kh'i '.(experiment). Stru<turaJ,...alysis" 16-23
104-6 "'.' d.frnitian uf. 1&
Sexuai.
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(.xperim~\u.),~245-'16 Stupid ,gome. and~d.~o/'
S._I1>"'blem
. t..petim.nt~ ""mp..~12 .. ;"
2()7-8
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Sulking; lS8-S9 .. ,...,
e~phemisl11" 1901"95 .'

~Qa}ity. '~ut;.tion ,abO~t,266 Supa""anOC1:ip~l\)3 . ....

pan;n\al beu.r. abou~m.'JII . sweatshirt me"!'gcs. %19-211,
ShaJIiC.nd,..!'JIal."P ioit,'l94 (."P.riAl..t), '2AS'
"Should" a~d "''''~t, wonl.. <"
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S,ckn~'and' the' Cliild:eg_os,tate,
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167 ' 182.' "
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(expanm.nt}, 133'. "Taking live" fa, tI(~P.~d.)6S
SpellboUI>d.lp;er a., 6 ~a~~." mcmOry, .r~. :". ,1:
and scripts:~lh ,&',cutie.89~91 i. ChildegG"",., ' ,~~
,Spontaneity. de.cription of; 292, . (~~penment).11.(. ,
293' . inParepf_c-so sta,tc.: 1'14;,,',''",
repr,e$Sion'of, '6 (exper1~t$);, J;1J!.1.74 ;,
and WinnerS.' 2~3 T easing as a disC9ufi~ ,56 .,'
Stage.: cen~er. 'sltaring :of. '268 Th..in. or .gam.S; 221'~2' .
,lif. (e.~rirnenl).I.q1-9'. . Third~degrce ,'ga~C:.:,Be~e's
Priv~tcan" P';bli<;75-76, d""ripUOi\,36' ..' "
Stamps. ,See _Trad:in&stampa. "ThI'QWinga. cruJltb'" to-Pate,nt,,
St,roke~ defmjtioD, 47 . 263-64 .'"
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h1I~p-fot. 47-~<J, .
ti1'1e,.nd:win,n~1", ,', S
rn lI~fanOY.'of( . i'ime'stnu;t~~nJ. 'm "vfn ,gup
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logillmate,232" ., >, JI1I 23I.'
n)aintc:il.a:nce. 50,'60, ,aitd'$tI'O~~s/4~ ",
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posilive, 49-53 _ . .i ,,..i.. 166
,...d giving up games. 23h32 Tnpdag v~ .u.derdag;,n~
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