Está en la página 1de 127

COSMIC BA NDI TOS

Screenplay by

Allan C. Weisbecker

Based on his book

First Draft Revised


May 11, 2007
A NOTE ON THIS DRAFT

In this draft Jose does not speak English; I use subtitles


and voice over.

The reader should keep in mind that with the subtitles the
actors are speaking – and acting – as they would without
the subtitles, just doing it in Spanish. (This can only be
inferred in a screenplay; it’s misleading.) The audience
will be hearing what the actors say, if in Spanish, so
vocal nuance, etc, will not be lost.

I also believe that with even the slightest knowledge of


Spanish in a viewer, there is an added humor here. For
example, “subatomic particle” in Spanish is “particula
subatomica”: very close to the English. Hearing this sort
of thing while reading ridiculous subtitles adds another
layer of humor, I think.

I did not use this technique lightly. I thought about it,


pictured it, and tried writing Jose’s part in accented and
broken English. It does not work as well.

Also keep in mind that if we decide to go with Jose


speaking broken English, the script as written would hardly
change at all.

ACW
1

FADE IN:

Old black & white newsreel footage of Albert Einstein as a


young man, circa 1920. The Narrator’s Voice has the deep,
authoritative ring from old newsreels.

NARRATOR
Around the turn of the 20th century,
Albert Einstein shook the scientific
world with his theories of relativity…

An image underscoring cosmic orderliness, Einstein’s vision


of the “clockwork universe…” Albert smiles and nods as he’s
being congratulated for his monumental achievement.

NARRATOR
Although relativity poked some holes in
classical Newtonian physics, Einstein’s
universe remained a predictable,
orderly place.

Einstein looking unkempt, Mrs. Einstein by his side.

NARRATOR
At this point in the history of
science, only Mrs. Einstein disagreed
on the orderliness issue, pointing out
that her husband matched his socks by
thickness.

Einstein, showing the great man’s mismatched socks.

NARRATOR
And this was just one example, she
said, although she wasn’t nasty about
it.

Happy scientists, congratulating each other in front of an


equation-filled blackboard.

NARRATOR
But in spite of Mrs. Einstein’s warning
that all was not as it seemed,
physicists rejoiced, claiming that we
now understand the machinations of the
universe.
2

An early particle accelerator experiment; equations being


formulated; much activity, a sense of urgency.

NARRATOR
By the late 1920s, however, atom
smashing experiments indicated that
Einstein may have been wrong in his
view of the universe as orderly…

Mrs. Einstein, smiling at a public event, Albert not so


happy.

NARRATOR
Mrs. Einstein, being a good wife, did
not say “I told you so,” or the like.
She held her tongue, God bless her.

More atomic experiments; scientists feverishly write


complex equations on blackboards.

NARRATOR
From the results of the atomic
experiments, the revolution known as
quantum physics was launched, led by
Niels Bohr and Werner Heisenberg.

Niels Bohr and Heisenberg shaking hands, Heisenberg’s


scratchy newsreel voice saying, “Not only is the universe
stranger than we think, it’s stranger than we can think.”

NARRATOR
Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle
destroyed the classical notion of cause
and effect, which was replaced by
chance, chaos, and implications about
man’s place in the universe that
collectively became known as “Quantum
Weirdness.”

Einstein, distressed, erases the words “Quantum Weirdness”


from a blackboard.

NARRATOR
The cause-and-effect anomalies of
quantum physics were so weird that they
were unacceptable to Einstein, who
3

clung to his view of the universe as an


orderly place.

Einstein at a news conference, his newsreel voice saying,


“God does not play dice with the universe.”

Scientists conduct a particle accelerator experiment.

NARRATOR
Quantum physics proved that God does
play dice with the universe.

World renowned scientists gather and confer in Copenhagen.

NARRATOR
Quantum Weirdness is best summed up by
its formal interpretations. In the
Copenhagen Interpretation, nothing
“exists” unless and until it is
observed. For example, if right now no
one is observing the moon, it does not
exist.

Newsreel people looking up at the moon (maybe horrified


crowds from an old science fiction movie).

NARRATOR
Einstein, in his need to see order and
reason in a seemingly chaotic and
illogical universe, would spend the
rest of his life trying to disprove
quantum physics.

CGI created newsreel footage of Einstein raking leaves at


night. His dog, a big goofy mutt, watches from nearby. (The
same dog that plays High Pockets.)

NARRATOR
He would pretend to be doing something,
yard work, say, then whirl around, look
up at the moon and seeing that it was
still there, cry out, “See, it’s still
there!”

Einstein suddenly drops his rake, whirls around and points


up at the night sky. His dog looks up.
4

The moon.

NARRATOR
Although the moon was still there,
Einstein would fail abysmally in his
attempt to disprove quantum physics.

Mrs. Einstein looking out the window at Albert and his dog
looking at the moon. She shakes her head sadly and goes
back to bed. Albert goes to join her but steps on the rake
and knocks himself out.

NARRATOR
Quantum physics was here to stay.

More modern newsreel footage – a new and improved particle


accelerator: the discovery of quarks; wild ass stuff.

NARRATOR
In 1957 physicist Hugh Everett, dissatisfied
with the Copenhagen Interpretation of
quantum physics, developed the Many Worlds
Interpretation, which, in order to explain
Quantum Weirdness, postulates that any
possible outcome of events that is not ruled
out by the laws of physics not only can
happen, but does happen…

A weird, spooky experiment.

NARRATOR
…but in another branch of reality…

Rise the theme to “Entertainment Tonight,” along with


footage of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie surrounded by
paparazzi.

NARRATOR
If the Many Worlds Interpretation is
correct, right now, in some other
branch of reality, you are having sex
with Angelina Jolie – or Brad Pitt,
depending on your proclivities in that
branch of reality… and how things went
on your first date.
5

A fat ugly redneck has replaced Brad Pitt in the news


footage. The two wave at fans.

Angelina Jolie and the redneck INTERCUT with Angelina with


Brad Pitt INTERCUT with the moon INTERCUT with scientists
debating in front of a blackboard crammed with equations.

CLOSE ON ANGELINA JOLIE

now smiling seductively at us. Heisenberg’s scratchy


newsreel voice repeats: “Not only is the universe stranger
than we think, it’s stranger than we can think.”

FADE TO BLACK

Rising is the sound of a SWEET KID CHORUS singing “Row,


Row, Row Your Boat” in three part harmony.

SWEET KID CHORUS


Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream…

A FULL BLOWN BANDITO

Complete with tattered layers of buckskin vests, three-day


growth, twin Colt .45s in Western-type holsters, criss-
crossed bandoliers stuffed with slugs, sombrero, plus a
bottle of tequila. He is everything we’d expect in a Full
blown Bandito, and then some. This is JOSE.

INT. 1960S-ERA SCHOOL BUS – DAY

Packed with our Row, Row, Your Boat all-boy chorus, which
continues singing in angelic three-part harmony. They’re on
their way to summer camp, as evidenced by a banner and the
t-shirts they all wear (“Camp Runnamok”). Such nice kids…

At the front -- the bus driver is unseen -- is THE ADULT


SAP, whose job is to keep the kids in line; right now he’s
doing a good job, leading the kids in “Row, Row, Row Your
Boat”. The counselor’s name tag reads “N. Tropi” – Entropy,
the inexorable slippage of order into chaos, which is
exactly what’s coming.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY


6

The bus tools through a middleclass suburban neighborhood;


it’s very… orderly. Norman Rockwell-esque, mid 1960s-type
suburbanites smile serenely as “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”
rises and falls in volume as the bus passes.

INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS

QUARK AT 8 YEARS OLD, a “normal” kid, is sitting by a


window reading. He raises the book so we can see the title:
Man’s Fate by Andre Malraux. (Okay, maybe Quark at 8 isn’t
so normal.

QUARK AT 8
Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream…

MATCH CUT TO THE GUY WE’LL CALL “QUARK”, AS AN ADULT

Same position as Quark at 8 on the bus, except he’s asleep


and dreaming. There’s a window behind him, too (like on the
bus) streaks of light going by outside (it’s night)…

BACK TO QUARK AT 8 ON THE BUS – MATCH CUT

Elsewhere on the bus we find THE TROUBLEMAKER. Just a


glance at this little fucker and we know the peace and
tranquility of the bus ride is coming to an end.

The Troublemaker slips his hand into his seat mate’s lunch
bag, extracts a gloppy pastry and wings it…

Splat! A direct hit in the Adult Sap’s face, causing an


immediate harmonic glitch in the “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”
chorus as kids laugh. Then, with the ensuing Kid Chain
Reaction, “Life is but a dream” deteriorates to the Adult
Sap’s worst nightmare – the bedlam of a Food Fight.

Food and debris flying everywhere around Quark at 8. Quark


at 8 calmly looks up from Man’s Fate.

THE BUS DRIVER TURNS

It’s Jose, the Full Blown Bandito. Jose looks around at the
kid-chaos and… he approves…
7

Jose has a slug of tequila, belches, then grins at Quark at


8, a ray of light glinting off a gold front tooth.

QUARK AT 8
(that sweet voice)
Life is but a dream…

INT. WWII VINTAGE B-29 BOMBER – AIRBORNE – NIGHT

Music: The drumbeat refrain from the B-52 scenes in Doctor


Strangelove, “When Johnny Comes Marching Home”. SUPER:
“Back in the 1980s” (Note: Wherever possible we should work
in reminders of our historical time frame)

Same image of Quark as before, dozing, dreaming, with


lights streaking by outside the window behind him…

Quark is copilot of a dilapidated B-29 -- the streaking


lights are street lights going by outside at about 300 mph.

FLASH at the controls. Flash is a burnt out ex-fighter jock


cum government spook. Flash is, in a word, unbalanced. A TV
set is mounted in front of the windscreen, blocking most of
his view of what’s ahead; a massive sound system is
blocking his view of the flight gauges. Hanging on the
bulkhead is a framed 8 x 10 head shot of a smiling Ronald
Reagan, with something hand-written on it.

Quark, in the co-pilot’s seat, wakes up, squints out the


side window, momentarily surprised at his situation. We
sense a little Indiana Jones in Quark: A man on a great
mission of adventure and discovery; yet he somehow
maintains a child-like innocence – as on the bus at age 8.

Flash holds up a video cassette. Economic advice…

FLASH
BetaMax. The future. Invest everything
you got in it.

He slips it into the oversized cassette player. A


Roadrunner cartoon comes on the TV. Flash holds up an
oversized cassette. A knowing economic nod, a wink…

FLASH
Eight track.
8

The Doors’ “Back Door Man” blares from massive speakers.

CARGO AREA

The B-29 is chock full of marijuana bales, maybe 10,000


pounds worth, some ripped open and dribbling buds. Quark
and Flash are on a major smuggling run.

Quark looks over his shoulder at his dog, HIGH POCKETS,


lying on a pile of bales near a box of Milk Bone Flavor
Snacks for Large Dogs. The two make eye contact. High
Pockets sighs, glances at the Road Runner cartoon, sneezes.

EXT. NIGHT SKY - SAME

The B-29 is painted red, white and blue – a giant airborne


American flag. It’s at very low altitude… so low, in fact,
that it just now clips a TV antennae. The Tune is in
terrible shape; panels missing, the big engines misfiring.

There’s another strange-looking dog in the tail gunner’s


bubble. AILERON scans the night sky behind them for bogies.

The Tune clips another treetop.

INT. COCKPIT – SAME

Flash removes some shredded tree branches that flew in the


open side window then, one-handed, rolls a mammoth joint
from a torn-open bale. Quark squints out the side window at
suburbia going by, yells over “Backdoor Man”…

QUARK
Be easier to find the drop zone
with more altitude.

Flash grunts thoughtfully… barely avoids flying into a


church steeple. Quark winces, trying to use body English to
gain altitude. A hit on the joint…

FLASH
We’re safer at treetop level: “The
higher you come, the farther you
fall…”
9

As Quark reacts to Flash’s butchering of an old saying, he


notices something… looks behind the sound system equalizer
and taps the fuel gauge, which reads “Empty.”

FLASH
Don’t worry about it.

QUARK
Uh?

FLASH
(re the gauge)
That doesn’t work.
(mutters)
Gauges are a distraction anyway.

Flash gestures at the Level Flight indicator, which is all


askew. Quark grimaces, looks out the window as…

FLASH
What is that thing supposed
to mean?

What it means is that the Tune is banking steeply - towards


a water tower, which it barely misses. Yelling aft…

FLASH
Aileron! All clear?

Back in the tail gunner’s bubble, behind the mountain of


marijuana bales, Aileron barks once. High Pockets looks
back at his Canine Cohort in Crime, sneezes.

FLASH
That’s all clear. Two barks means
Aileron’s spotted another plane,
a yellow alert. Three barks is a
red alert, which means-

Aileron is now howling hysterically.

QUARK
How about hysterical howling?

FLASH
That’s more serious-
10

An F-16 roars by the Loony Tune at mach one, the sonic boom
causing Flash’s rudimentary instrument panel to explode.
Flash grins, banks The Tune sharply, turns up the stereo.

FLASH
No problema.

The F-16 opens up with his .50 caliber machineguns.

The Tune is laced tail to nose with bullets, which mostly


stitch the marijuana bales (one shot hits the box of Milk
Bone Flavor Snacks For Large Dogs). The stereo goes,
leaving the sound of the Road Runner cartoon as aural
accompaniment to the rest of the flight of the Looney Tune.

FLASH
No problema. Down we go.

QUARK
Down?

FLASH
Treetop level…

The Tune starts roller-coastering through a suburban


village…

EXT. DRIVE-IN THEATER – NIGHT

Raiders of the Lost Ark on the big screen, a sea of cars


bears witness as Indiana Jones finds himself in some
incredible, impossible situation.

The Tune blasts through the movie screen from behind, her
bomb bay doors open, strewing 10,000 pounds of marijuana
across the drive-in. The bales bounce along car roofs,
destroy the concession stand.

INT. LOONEY TUNE – SAME

Quark cranes to look down at the drive-in as more bales


drop into the night. High Pockets grimaces, shuts his eyes.

QUARK
I think we missed the drop zone…

THE DROP ZONE


11

The drop zone is a hippie commune somehow left over from


the 60s. Burnt-out hippies, grey and comatose, scattered
about. ROBERT and JIM await, scanning the skies. They hear
the far off sound of an airplane engine, a jet engine,
machinegun fire, and general chaos. Robert, a big guy in a
godawful leisure suit, is juggling three hand grenades
while Jim – wiry, cowboy hat, Texas drawl -- uncorks a
bottle of Dom.

JIM
I think they missed the drop zone.

INT. LOONEY TUNE - SAME

More bales plus the box of Milk Bone Flavor Snacks For
Large Dogs drops into the night. Then…

Quark realizes that High Pockets is lying on a marijuana


bale which is about to drop into the abyss! Quark issues a
fearful yelp, as…

The bale under High Pockets drops. Nothing under him but
air now and just for an instant High Pockets hangs in
midair over the open bomb bay. Quark snatches him by the
collar and hauls him into the cockpit. It all happened in a
split second, but… did High Pockets defy gravity back
there? Meanwhile, on the TV, Wily Coyote is accomplishing
that same feat.

THE DROP ZONE

Jims look up as the Tune roars overhead. Waves his Dom


bottle.

JIM
See ya’ll in Panama!
(realizes something)
Wait. What happened to the load?

THE DRIVE-IN

Delighted movie-goers load bales into their cars and roar


off. On what’s left of the movie screen, Indiana Jones is…
well, it’s hard to say what Indie is doing, since the F-16
just now blasts through, finishing off the screen.
12

THE DROP ZONE

Jim looks around. Sees Robert exiting an outhouse, pulling


up his pants. As he approaches, Robert looks at the two
hand grenades he’s cradling. Confused…

ROBERT
I had three a minute ago.

Robert looks back at the outhouse, trying to remember…

The outhouse explodes.

Jim grimaces at the predicable result of an outhouse


explosion.

JIM
Goddamn, Robert!

ROBERT
It was an accident.

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS, LANGELY – DAY

Follow the clipped stride of a man’s spit-polished shoes


walking through the plush offices, the CIA logo on a deep
pile carpet. Reveal from behind that the man is a ramrod
Marine carrying a file/folder as he enters a big office:
“DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS, WILLIAM J. CASEY.”

DIRECTOR CASEY at his desk. An American flag on a staff


next to a CIA flag; a huge portrait of Ronald Reagan on the
wall, plus on Casey’s desk the same 8 x 10 head shot of
Reagan we saw on the Looney Tune. A nurse is taking Casey’s
blood pressure. Casey looks up, grunts. (Casey grunts a
lot. In fact, as with the real Casey, our Casey’s
utterances are sometimes incomprehensible).

We now see that the Marine is Colonel Oliver North. This is


the real Ollie from the mid-1980s -- not an actor playing
Ollie -- CGI-ed from the Iran-contra footage. Ollie stands
there ramrod straight, waiting for his mentor’s orders.

CASEY
Sit the fuck down.
13

OLLIE
Yes sir.

Ollie sits the fuck down, ramrod straight. Casey says


something to the nurse but all we can make out is “the fuck
out of here.” She leaves. Re: the nurse…

OLLIE
Everything… all right, sir?

CASEY
Fuck no. Congress cut off funds for
our freedom fighters in Nicaragua –

OLLIE
- I mean… the nurse… are you all right?

CASEY
Fuckin headaches…
(pops a pill)
The contras are like our founding
fathers, Ollie. God bless em… they need
money!

OLLIE
(shuffling papers from his file)
Yes sir… Umm… very unfortunately, they
lost one of our shipments. Noriega
busted them in the Panama. Four million
dollar street value.

CASEY
Panama? Doesn’t The Pineapple… uh,
Noriega… work for us?

OLLIE
We cut off his salary last month.
(more bad news)
That’s not all, sir. One of our pilots
has gone bad on us. Decided to find his
own drop zone. I had an F-16 intercept
and to bring him home but it went sour.

Casey opens the file. Looks at a mug shot: Flash. Now he’s
really pissed off. Reading the report…
14

CASEY
We need money for our boys, Ollie! The
Nicaraguan contra freedom fighters are
like our Founding Fathers!
(reading the file)
Who are these “accomplices”?

Ollie puts another file in front of Casey. Casey opens it,


stares at a photograph.

OLLIE
That’s one of them. Intel thinks he’s
the brains behind the operation. Does
he look familiar, sir?

Casey contemplates the photo, eyes narrowing.

It’s a mug shot of High Pockets (complete with a number on


a plaque hanging around his neck), his tongue hanging out
foolishly.

CASEY
How’d you I.D. him?

THE DRIVE IN – NIGHT - QUICK CUT

An FBI crime scene investigator squats and examines the box


of Milk Bone Flavor Snacks For Large Dogs that fell out of
the plane. Using rubber gloves, he starts putting it in an
evidence bag.

BACK TO CASEY AND OLLIE

Casey is examining a long rap sheet.

CASEY
This is a bad dog.

Ollie looks at the photo and realizes he gave Casey the


wrong file.

OLLIE
Sorry, sir. Try this one.

Ollie puts another file on the desk. Casey opens it. A mug
shot of Quark, his expression quizzical.
15

OLLIE
They’ve been linked to a terrorist -

CASEY
Our Founding Fathers need money!

OLLIE
-I’m on it sir. Yes sir. You can count-

CASEY
- get your ass down to Panama and
straighten out the fuckin’ Pineapple!
Tell that pock-faced fucker that if OUR
FOUNDING FATHERS DON’T GET SOME DOPE
MONEY THERE’LL BE HELL TO PAY!

As Ollie rises, Casey, red-faced with outrage, points at


the mug shots of Quark, Flash, and High Pockets…

CASEY
Terminate these three with prejudice!

OLLIE
Yes sir!

CASEY
(a slight facial tic)
Where are they?!

OLLIE
South, sir. They were headed south.

EXT. SOUTH AMERICA - JUNGLE – EARLY MORNING

Deep in the tropical bush. Twitterings of jungle birds.

A toucan lands a rough-hewn bird feeder attached to a


branch high up in a tree. As he starts feeding, his weight
moves the branch of the tree down slightly.

The branch’s movement starts a chain reaction device


leading down. After following the ingenious (though
thoroughly pointless), domino-machinations for a bit…

VIEW FROM ABOVE


16

Way down on the ground below is a primitive shack in the


jungle; nearby are the remains of the crashed Looney Tune,
partially covered by jungle growth. Rising high into the
jungle canopy from the shack’s roof is a strange tangle of
baling wire, pipes and scrap metal, some of the stuff
salvaged from the Tune wreck.

INT. SHACK – SAME

Passed out in the primitive shack is Quark, a rumpled,


unshaven mess since the Looney Tune fiasco. Flash’s TV is
by the bed, salvaged, although the screen is cracked.

The contraption continues its weird journey down the tree


and jungle: it seems pointed at the shack.

EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF A SOUTH AMERICAN CITY – MORNING

Shaky, long-lens images, as if shot from hiding (a


documentary effect): From the deep bush Jose and his
Bandito Gang (a half dozen) emerge on horseback. (We
remember Jose as the Full Blown Bandito driver of the dream
bus.) Any one of these guys would be qualified to issue the
classic Bandito line, “Badges? We don’t need no stinking
Badges!” Still, however, Jose is the unquestioned leader.

Jose and his men stop and survey the city before them. At
Jose’s signal, they spur their horses and trot towards it.

BACK AT THE JUNGLE SHACK

The chain reaction device -- using gravity, forest


creatures, plus various domino-principal catapults and
contrivances –- winds its way up, down and around the
jungle environment, closing in on the shack.

Quark snoring in the shack. The now-aged and tattered copy


of Man’s Fate he was reading on the bus as a kid is on a
cluttered table by the bed. A small snake appears from
under the sheet, crawling toward Quark’s face.

ON HIGH POCKETS OUTSIDE

He’s looking up, intently watching something…

The chain reaction contraption is heading towards…


17

A bizarre dispensing device hooked up to a box of Milk Bone


Flavor Snacks For Large Dogs.

High Pockets watches. The saliva flows.

ON QUARK IN THE SHACK

Sitting up on his bed bleary-eyed, Quark looks around,


wondering what the day will bring. The snake, a small boa
named LEGS, is hanging around his neck. Quark absently
strokes Legs, sighs and addresses the universe.

QUARK
Okay. All right… What’s next?

EXT. THE SOUTH AMERICAN CITY - DAY

Same documentary-style images. Jose and his mounted gang


trot down a barrio street, on the lookout. When locals see
them there is respect and affection; the peasants are on
their side.

A woman Tortilla Seller warns them: some armed army guys


are coming in a jeep. The Banditos lurk in an alley until
they pass. (It’s as if Robin Hood has showed up.)

Jose is on the lookout for… something.

EXT. THE SOUTH AMERICAN CITY - DAY

Jose and his men pull up their horses on a busy street.


Jose has found what he’s looking for: A supermarket.

EXT. JUNGLE – DAY

The chain reaction device starts up an old diesel generator


which…

Turns on the TV set in the shack. A cartoon. (The junk on


the roof is a Rube Goldberg antenna pulling in programming
from far far away.) Quark and Legs stare mindlessly at the
cartoon.

The TV reception is very poor: the cartoon fades out and


another station comes on. A stateside newscast, Tom Brokaw
(from 20 years ago)…
18

BROKAW (from TV)


… cutting off funding for the contra
freedom fighters in Nicaragua.

Footage of the drive-in aftermath, bales being loaded into


cars and delighted folks barreling out of there.

BROKAW (from TV)


Meanwhile, the manhunt continues for
the terrorists involved in the vicious
attack on a drive-in theater-

But the cartoon fades back in. Quark sighs.

NBC news and the cartoon are fading in and out, their
signals competing for dominance. The next footage we see
(with cartoon sounds) is Manuel Noriega (“The Pineapple”)
slamming a machete onto a podium as he makes an anti-gringo
speech. Quark sighs.

EXT. THE JUNGLE SHACK -- DAY

High Pockets watches, drooling, as…

The domino device’s other branch reaches the box of Milk


Bone Flavor Snacks For Large Dogs and causes it to tilt.
It’s… empty! High Pockets whines then sneezes in distress.

ANOTHER BOX

of Milk Bone Flavor Snacks, this one on a supermarket


shelf. But this one is for small dogs – there’s a Pekinese
on the front. A hand appears and picks it up. It’s Jose.

THE SUPERMARKET MANAGER

Notices that there’s a Colt .45 pointed at his head. His


eyes move in their sockets to see…

…it’s Jose who has the drop on him, holding the box of Milk
Bone Flavor Snacks for Small Dogs. A holdup in progress.

EXT. NEAR THE JUNGLE SHACK – MORNING

Quark sets up a line of bottles and cans. Walks back toward


the shack, whirls, pulls his 9mm Glock and from the hip
19

blasts nine targets in a row, not a miss. Legs is still


draped around his neck.

EXT. THE SOUTH AMERICAN CITY - DAY

Same shaky documentary-type images. A family of four


Americans – father, mother, two daughters - exit a taxi
with their luggage and look around as the taxi roars off: A
nasty neighborhood. (More to come on the family.) The
Father is holding a Holiday Inn brochure and looking around
in confusion. They got dropped in the wrong part of town.

BANDITO LEGS

approach.

THE FAMILY

Everyone freezes, confronted by…

JOSE AND A HALF DOZEN BANDITOS

Buckskin, bandoliers, tattered sombreros, a motley array of


weapons; a frightening sight. Jose has the Milk Bone Flavor
Snacks from the hold up tucked under his bandolier.

CLOSE ON JOSE

Looking at the taxi money in the father’s hand, the cameras


around everyone’s neck, and the nice luggage. He has a belt
of tequila, belches, then grins, his gold front tooth
catching a ray of sunlight.

The Mother lets fly a high-pitched SCREAM.

All hell breaks loose as the family tries to bolt, and


their belongings go flying.

SLOW MOTION

as suitcases and purses break open, stuff falling, feet


scrambling, Banditos charging…

SUPER SLOW MOTION

A super Slow Mo hologram of the mugging: The half dozen


Banditos and four family members are semi-frozen in
20

different positions, the luggage and personal possessions


in mid-air moving ever so slowly in their fall to the
ground. The effect is truly 3-D, so we can move around and
(with no cuts) examine the family and their belongings:

TINA, the teenage daughter: a lot of makeup, leather mini-


skirt, semi-transparent halter top (no bra), a spiked
leather collar, and in mid-lick on a strawberry ice cream
cone, a gold stud through her bright pink tongue. RUTH:
Tina’s slightly older sister; mousy, frumpily dressed,
glasses that don’t suit her. Painfully shy, she’s simply
staring down at the ground, waiting for the mugging to be
over. TINA’S MOTHER: Semi-frozen in a position of pure
panic, her mouth wide open in her terrified scream. TINA’S
FATHER: Tall and lanky, he’s in the process of falling
down, arms and legs askew, head turned away from us. (We
don’t see his face until much later in the story.) His pipe
and horn rim glasses have been knocked off and are in super
slow motion mid-fall.

QUARK (V.O.)
In the beginning, there was the
mugging of Tina’s family…

EXT. JUNGLE - DAY

Legs still around his neck, Quark is sitting on a stump


loading his pistol. Raises a bottle of tequila to his lips…

Boom! A gunshot shatters the bottle. Quark puts what’s left


of the bottle down. He sighs and looks off.

WHAT QUARK SEES

Jose and his men sitting their horses on the edge of the
jungle clearing, Jose’s Colt .45 smoking.

Jose pulls a second pistol and opens up with both guns, the
shots whizzing by Quark, barely missing him sitting on the
stump. The barrage nails the rest of Quark’s targets, some
in mid-air as they fly off from previous shots.

Jose grins and holds up the box of Milk Bone Flavor Snacks
For Small Dogs from the supermarket heist. Tina’s family’s
luggage and effects are secured to a burro.

High Pockets barks in glee and bounds to Jose…


21

QUARK (V.O.)
Jose was taking care of High Pockets
and me in our forced exile. According
to the Bandito Code of Conduct, a
Bandito takes care of his down and out
cohorts.

EXT. JUNGLE SHACK – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Quark, with High Pockets sitting expectantly at his feet,


examines the Milk Bone Flavor Snacks For Small Dogs.

QUARK
Small dogs? Perros pequenos?

Jose shrugs, makes excuses in Spanish. An in-Spanish


argument ensues over the size of the Flavor Snacks. High
Pockets whines. Jose opens the box and gives High Pockets a
tiny flavor snack. High Pockets happily wolfs it down. Jose
says, “Mira, no hay problema.” Quark frowns, glares at the
Pekinese on the box.

INT. JUNGLE SHACK – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Tina’s family’s belongings are spread out on the floor.


Meanwhile, Jose has High Pockets in a canine feeding frenzy
with the tiny Flavor Snacks. Quark and Jose converse in
Spanish, with subtitles; Jose does not speak English.

SUBTITLE QUARK
They’re a family of four from
Sausalito, California…
(re un-mailed postcards)
…on vacation, I suspect.

FLASH BACK TO THE MUGGING

Our super slow motion chaos-hologram. We move through and


examine the family’s mid-air artifacts: the un-mailed
postcards, a wallet with a passport falling out, a camera,
a pink makeup case with “Tina” embossed on it, some books,
loose graph paper with arcane mathematical equations and
schematic drawings, physics textbooks, plus Tina’s Father’s
pipe and glasses. As we Zero in on the falling postcards,
which are peppered with dozens of hand-written Xs…
22

QUARK (V.O.)
One daughter, Tina is her name, had
written a postcard to some guy named
Tom, informing him that Aruba is nice
then dropped a few innuendos that
indicated Tom is going to see some
serious action when Tina returns home.

INT. JUNGLE SHACK – DAY

Quark examines the postcard, now speaking to Jose.

SUBTITLE QUARK
Tina also wrote to another guy, Gary is
his name, with the same message. The
little tramp had inscribed Xs all over
the postcards to indicate her…
(sarcastic)
…devotion to these two saps.

Jose looks at the postcard, anger rising.

LATER THAT DAY

Quark squints through a magnifying glass, counting the Xs


on Tina’s un-mailed postcard. Jose is doing a slow burn as
he listens to Quark, and absently feeding High Pockets more
Flavor Snacks.
SUBTITLE QUARK
Gary gets the nod in numbers of Xs…
(examines the other postcard)
…but Tom’s are neater and more
symmetrically arranged.

POV MAGNIFIED IMAGE (blurry edges)

We pan across a line of little Xs, then to the message


salutation. We just see “Gary, babe…” the next postcard…
another line of Xs… the address… “Tom, babe…” Then, at the
bottom, “Your babe, Tina.” At the bottom of the first
postcard, same thing… “Your babe, Tina.”

Quark gingerly extracts a sleeve of about 20 condoms


concealed in Tina’s makeup case, shows it to Jose.
23

SUBTITLE QUARK
Looks like Tina intended to further
betray Tom and Gary by sexually
terrorizing the population of whatever
country her parents turned her loose
in.

Jose explodes, launching into a Spanish tirade, scaring the


shit out of High Pockets, who bounds under the bed.

FLASH BACK TO THE SUPER SLOW MOTION HOLOGRAM MUGGING

We go by Tina’s mousey sister Ruth (staring at the ground)


and find Tina, the little slut, very slowly licking the ice
cream, and we now realize she’s eyeing Jose salaciously.

QUARK (V.O.)
Jose claimed that had he known about
the situation at the mugging he would
have knifed Tina on the spot. He even
threatened to go back to the city to
avenge Tom and Gary’s masculinity, but
I talked him out of it. I had a better,
more subtle, plan…

EXT. BANDITO SALOON – DAY

As Jose gives one of his men two letters…

QUARK (V.O.)
Jose agreed to help me in this.

The other Bandito nods, sticks the letters under his


bandoliers, mounts his horse and gallops off.

QUARK (V.O.)
I wrote Tom and Gary notes explaining
Tina’s treachery, and her
nymphomaniacal worldview.

EXT. DANGEROUS TERRAIN – DAY/NIGHT

The Bandito with the letters negotiates treacherous


territory: raging rivers, craggy mountains; a fire fight
with some army troops… several days pass. Meanwhile…
24

QUARK (V.O.)
Jose picked his best man to make the
perilous journey to the city to mail
the letters.

EXT. THE SOUTH AMERICAN CITY -- NIGHT

Loyal Peasants hide the Bandito and his horse as an army


convoy passes.

The Bandito slips the letters into a mailbox, peasants


standing watch nearby. Mission accomplished, the Bandito
mounts his horse and gallops off as dawn approaches.

INT. JUNGLE SHACK -- DAY

Quark examines Tina’s Father’s notes, experimental data,


and physics books with arcane titles like The Fabric of the
Cosmos, The Structure of Reality, Quantum Weirdness.

SUBTITLE QUARK
The reading material obviously belonged
to the father, unless Tina includes
subatomic particle theory and quantum
physics among her other, mostly
biological, interests.

The angle includes Jose off to one side, rummaging through


Tina’s pink makeup case. (Jose seems a visual afterthought
but he is really the subject of the scene.) As Quark
analyses Tina’s Father’s physics data, Jose pulls pink
crotch-less panties from Tina’s bag. Gives it a glance and
puts it aside. Another one, this one crimson. Puts it
aside. High Pockets is by Jose’s side, curiously observing.

LATER

Quark has set up a blackboard with the family members’


names (“Tina,” “Ruth,” “Tina’s Mother,” “Tina’s Father”)
plus stick figures representing “Tom” and “Gary.” Next to
“Tina’s Father” is a big question mark. Meanwhile, Jose has
pulled a veritable wardrobe of kinky sex wear out of Tina’s
little makeup case: more skimpy panties, lace and leather
bras, you name it. (The gag is that he’s extracted way more
stuff than could have possibly fit in there.) Another
sleeve of condoms comes out, this one endless. As it just
keeps coming…
25

LATER STILL

It’s night now, the shack lit by kerosene lamps. Quark is


absorbed in physics equations and diagrams on the
blackboard. He’s tired, but keeps at it. Meanwhile, Jose
(still off to the side) extracts a small vibrator from
Tina’s little bag. (Condoms everywhere.) Jose turns it in
his hand, obviously not knowing what it is. He pulls his
Colt .45 and tries to fit it into the chamber. No, it’s not
ammunition. He pulls a bigger vibrator out. Mmmmm. Puts it
aside, has a slug of tequila. A bigger vibrator. Puts it
aside.

Jose pulls out a mega-vibrator, the size of an artillery


shell. Curious, he sights along it, turning it in his hand
to see what it could be. High Pockets tilts his head in
doggy mystification. Jose fiddles with the thing…

It starts flashing with colored lights and undulating and


vibrating like a chain saw, Cyndi Lauper blaring from
little hidden speakers that “Girls just wanna have fu-un!”

Jose screams in utter terror, his sombrero and the vibrator


go flying, Jose toppling over backward on his stool. High
Pockets howls in fright and bounds back under the bed.

Quark, oblivious, intently examines a physics equation.

INT. JUNGLE SHACK – NEXT DAY

The shack is now a formal, well organized exhibit of the


artifacts of Tina’s family, especially Tina’s sexual
paraphernalia. Quark plows through a notebook, refers to a
physics text. Jose is nearby, feeding High Pockets more
Flavor Snacks For Small Dogs.

LATER

Quark writes a convoluted mathematical equation, referring


to Tina’s Father’s manuscript.

SUBTITLE QUARK
Tina’s father is a full blown professor
of physics, working on what I’m sure
will be a revolutionary treatise on the
underlying subatomic nature of reality.
26

Jose, now cleaning his .45 (High Pockets by his side),


shrugs noncommittally; a sidelong glance at the vibrator,
which flashes faintly in pink. Jose moves subtly away from
it, glancing at Quark; he’s self conscious about his fear
of the device.

Quark makes a mistake in the equation and uses one of


Tina’s crotch-less panties to erase the error.

LATER STILL

Jose is balancing a Milk Bone Flavor Snack on High Pockets’


nose. Jose holds up a forefinger, indicating that High
Pockets not move. The Flavor Snack remains balanced on High
Pockets’s nose. Musing to himself, in English…

QUARK
The Many Worlds Interpretation of
quantum physics asserts that different
counterparts of us live in many
different branches of reality, and all
of them are real.

Jose concentrates on High Pockets: The Flavor Snack is


still balanced on High Pockets’s nose, High Pockets himself
still as a statue. Quark waxes thoughtful…

QUARK
Have you ever wondered… What It All
Means?

Jose shrugs noncommittally – not having understood a word -


has a slug of tequila, says “Ahhh,” then belches. High
Pockets flips the Flavor Snack off his nose and high into
the air, catches and swallows it, then sneezes. Jose grins,
a ray of light catching his gold front tooth.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO – DAY

GARY opens the mailbox in front of his walkup apartment in


a hip San Francisco neighborhood. Gary is about 20, slight
frame, a sensitive-looking kid. He extracts a stack of mail
from the box, thumbs through it. Looks curiously at a
letter with South American stamps. Starts opening it.

INT. GARY’S APARTMENT – DAY


27

Gary, sitting on his bed, is on the phone and staring at


Quark’s letter. On the wall behind him are movie posters
for “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and “Apocalypse Now.”

GARY
No, I don’t know who sent it… but Tina,
who’s this “Tom”?
(listens, nodding, wanting to
believe her)
Okay, I… Tina… I believe you. I do. I’m
sorry. I shouldn’t have doubted you.
I love you, Tina.

Gary hangs up, stares at Quark’s letter. Sniffles. Sobs.


The kid is in love.

INT. TOM’S APARTMENT – DAY

Phone ringing. In his early 30s, TOM is a yuppie who thinks


a lot of himself. He sits down on the couch in his well
equipped bachelor-pad apartment. He’s squinting quizzically
at his version of Quark’s letter. Answering the phone…

TOM
Yo… yeah, hi… uh… Who is this?...
Who?... Tina?
(looks at the letter and
remembers)
Riiight. Tina. How’s it, babe?...Funny
you should call. I just got this weird…
(changes his mind/doesn't care)
Never mind. So… you know, uh, so what’s
up… uh, uh…
(forgetting her name)
…babe?

Tom, already bored with the conversation, flips on the TV.


A wildlife show, reminiscent of “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild
Kingdom” from the 1980s. MERLIN PARKINS narrates footage of
a bizarre-looking bird with outrageous plumage.

MERLIN PARKINS (TV V.O.)


…the Geewok Bird is still another
endangered species.
28

The show cuts to footage we’ve seen before: Documentary


footage of Jose riding through the bush on his way to the
city to swipe the Milk Bone Flavor Snacks For Large Dogs
and to mug Tina’s family.

MERLIN PARKINS (TV V.O.)


Join us next week for rare footage of a
Full Blown Bandito in his natural
habitat.

On the TV: Jose sitting high in the saddle. Erratic zoom in


to a close up of his sombrero.

CLOSE ON JOSE’S SOMBRERO

It tips up, revealing Jose’s eyes, thoughtfully contemplat-


ing something. We hear the rise-and-fall whistling refrain
from The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly.

WHAT JOSE IS CONTEMPLATING

Quark and High Pockets sitting in front of the jungle


shack, Quark in a lotus position, a bottle of tequila in
front of him. Deep night. Quark looks up at the starry sky.

Jose does likewise. A shooting star streaks. They both have


slugs of tequila. Jose says, “Ahhhh,” then belches.

Quark starts softly singing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

Jose watches intently, something going in his Bandito Mind…

Time passes. High Pockets’ whines at Quark’s singing.

Later, Quark in full voice now. High Pockets has joined in,
howling, his snout pointed heavenward.

QUARK
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream.

Jose hums along softly, looking heavenward.

INT. JUNGLE SHACK – DAY


29

Quark, disheveled, bleary-eyed and sporting a three-day


growth from his ceaseless research, is writing a letter of
several pages, the blackboard behind him a mass of
equations, stick figures, sombreros and arcane physics
quotes from Tina’s Father’s manuscript, including “stranger
than we can think.”

QUARK (V.O.)
My continuing quest for knowledge
involved a two-prong attack. Jose
agreed to help me in this.

EXT. BANDITO SALOON – DAY

Jose is again giving his “best Bandito” letters, three this


time. The Bandito again tucks them under his bandolier,
adjusts his sidearm, mounts his horse and gallops off.

QUARK (V.O.)
I had some questions for Tina’s father
on the underlying nature of subatomic
reality and their implications
regarding What It All Means.

In a shorter version of his last journey, we again see the


Bandito fording raging rivers, scaling mountains, battling
it out with the army, and finally making it to the city and
mailing the letters, this time under fire from the army.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


I asked Tina’s father to respond via a
classified ad in the International
Herald Tribune, a common method of
correspondence between clandestine
operatives. I told him to address his
wisdom to “Mr. Quark,” quarks being the
most elusive of subatomic particles,
and possibly the ultimate building
blocks of reality.

EXT. SUBURBAN SAUSALITO – DAY

A mailbox in front of a nice house in a nice upper middle


class neighborhood. A man appears and opens the box; we
only see him from behind, but notice he’s wearing horn
rimmed glasses and smoking a pipe: Tina’s Father. He thumbs
through bills and junk mail, then freezes. Quark’s letter.
30

QUARK (V.O.)
I also dropped notes to Tom and Gary,
making some relevant comments on the
underlying nature of reality – this to
put the bombshell I had dropped about
Tina and her nymphomania in its proper
subatomic perspective.

INT. GARY’S APARTMENT - DAY

Gary sitting on his bed (as before) reading Quark’s current


letter. His hand is shaking as he dials the phone. Upset…

GARY
Tina?...

EXT. JUNGLE SHACK – DAY

Quark and Jose playing dominoes and slugging tequila on the


shack porch, Quark meanwhile also studying a physics text,
High Pockets watching. Jose is concentrating on the game;
Quark moves easily; he’s way better at dominoes than Jose.
Then Quark has an idea… He hesitates, then makes a
purposefully dumb move. Jose chuckles, slams down a domino.

SUBTITLE QUARK
I have a favor to ask, my brother.

Quark makes another calculatedly dumb move. Jose wins; now


he’s chuckling and smug. Quark – eyeing Jose closely –
slides a piece of paper to Jose. He Looks at the camera.

QUARK (to us)


Timing is everything when asking a
Bandito for a favor.

Gesturing intently, Quark explains his plan, Jose


listening, nodding sagely.

SUBTITLE QUARK
In order to expand my subatomic
horizons, aside from communicating with
Tina’s father, I need more scientific
research material.
31

Jose looks uncomprehendingly at the list. Quark turns it


the other way. It was upside down: Jose can’t read.

SUBTITLE QUARK
I need you to knock off the University
of Barranca Research Library.

EXT. SHACK – AROUND SUNDOWN

Jose and a dozen of his men mount their horses and ride
off, Quark and High Pockets watching them go. The gang
includes the letter-mailing Bandito, whose arm is in a
bloody sling from wounds sustained in his previous mission.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TOM’S APARTMENT – DAY

Tom on his couch (as before) thumbing his mail, tossing the
junk into a waste basket. Tom comes upon Quark’s letter. On
the TV is CNN’s Wolf Blitzer (from the 1980s)…

WOLF BLITZER (from TV)


South American terrorists have attacked
a University Research Library in the
city of…

But Tom changes the channel, finds golf. A brief hesitation


then Tom tosses Quark’s letter aside with the junk mail.
Still sitting on the couch he swings an imaginary golf
club, practicing his drive.

EXT. JUNGLE SHACK – DAY

Quark and High Pockets in a spirited wrestling match. Quark


looks up at the sound of hoots and gunshots.

QUARK (V.O.)
On the fourth day after his departure,
Jose returned from the University
attack.

High Pockets bounds over barking and grinning as Jose and


his men appear and dismount. A line of burros behind them
is piled high with sheepskin bags full of books. Jose has
something large and limp slung over his saddle.
32

The Banditos are tired, some wounded, but there is general


excitement and celebration as they unload their spoils:
hundreds of books, which they pile up in front of the
shack. Quark roots through the books.

QUARK (V.O.)
Jose and his gang got me the books I
wanted, then, drunk with power, made
off with a few hundred others… none
having anything to do with subatomic
physics.

Quark frowns at a title: “Miedo y Odio en Las Vegas” (“Fear


and Loathing in Las Vegas”). Re the limp form…

SUBTITLE QUARK
What’s that?

Quark, curious, watches as Jose dumps the limp form on the


ground and pulls back the blanket. Quark looks down in
shock at a bound and gagged frail middle aged man in a
business suit.

QUARK (V.O.)
They also made off with the head
librarian from the University of
Barranca Research Library. His name was
Senor Rodriguez.

As Jose un-gags Senor Rodriguez, High Pockets bounds over


and starts licking Senor Rodriguez’s face.

CLOSE ON

High Pockets huge pink tongue licking. Muffled screams.

Quark bodily drags High Pockets off Senor Rodriguez, who


appears to be experiencing a heart attack. Struggling…

QUARK
I know you love the taste of salt, boy,
but…

Quark struggles with High Pockets, who is crazed to get to


Senor Rodriguez to lick his face. High Pockets is a very
big dog and drags Quark across the ground. A struggle.
33

Quark leashes High Pockets to a tree as Jose places Senor


Rodriguez on the stack of books. Senor Rodriguez just sits
there petrified. High Pockets whines, pulls on his leash.

Meanwhile Jose is organizing his men for a photo op.

SUBTITLE JOSE
Get Tina’s Father’s camera.

SUBTITLE QUARK
I don’t have any film.

In Spanish, Jose insists that they take a picture anyway.

A FEW MINUTES LATER

Quark opens the camera; indeed, no film. He shrugs and


composes the shot anyway.

QUARK (V.O.)
Over the years I’ve found that it’s
easier to humor Jose than to reason
with him.

Quark has the Banditos move closer together, rearranges


them by height, has them say “cheso.”

VIEWFINDER IMAGE

Quite a sight: Senor Rodriguez, sitting petrified on a


couple hundred books, surrounded by Banditos. Click.

A FEW MINUTES LATER

Quark takes Jose aside, Jose looking pleased with himself.

SUBTITLE QUARK
What’s he doing here?

Jose goes on and on in Spanish.

QUARK (V.O.)
Jose’s theory was that since I was
interested in libraries, I would
certainly be interested in the man who
ran one.
34

Quark looks at Senor Rodriguez, sitting on the pile of


books, vibrating in fright. He sighs stoically at this
example of Bandito Logic. What can he say?

SUBTITLE QUARK
So how’d it go at the library?

Jose’s Gang gathers around, everyone blabbing at once. Jose


bellows for silence, which he immediately gets.

FLASHBACK TO UNIVERSITY OF BARRANCA RESEARCH LIBRARY – DAWN

Jose and his gang attack on horseback, crashing through the


library’s front windows.

INT. LIBRARY – SAME

The Banditos dismount. Jose looks around: books everywhere.


Tens of thousands of books. He looks at Quark’s list of
titles (it’s upside down). Jose’s eyes widen in fear.

QUARK (V.O.)
When Jose actually SAW how many books
there were, he more or less panicked.

Jose spots Senor Rodriguez cowering under a desk. Drags him


out and forces the list into his hand, demanding help in
finding the books.

OUTSIDE

Heavily armed government troops arrive and deploy.

In the library, Jose, at gunpoint, forces Senor Rodriguez


to collect books from the list.

The troops open fire on the library. Chaos as the Banditos


shoot back; Jose and Senor Rodriguez collect more books.

QUARK (V.O.)
When Banditos attack research libraries
the results are similar to certain
aspects of subatomic experiments.

A PARTICLE ACCELERATOR (a huge, wild ass device)


35

Subatomic particles are accelerated to near light speed and


smashed together, producing spectacular displays. Based on
a glimpse of a pipe and horn rim glasses, one of the
scientists at work is Tina’s Father.

QUARK (V.O.)
Due to Heisenberg’s Uncertainty
Principle, it is impossible to predict
the behavior of any given subatomic
particle…

An analogously chaotic fire fight at the library; Banditos


run around, take up defensive positions and blast away.

QUARK (V.O.)
Likewise, it’s impossible to predict
what any given Bandito will do in a
library attack. We only can predict
what they will do statistically, as a
gang.

Particles collide… Banditos and army troops blast away…


Jose and Senor Rodriguez collect books…

Senor Rodriguez is knocked out by a flying volume of The


Works of William Shakespeare. Jose catches it on the
rebound from Senor Rodriguez’s head, stashes the book in
his bag, throws the librarian over his shoulder and leads
his men and horses out the back door.

QUARK (V.O.)
As Tina’s Father would say, the world
view of subatomic physics is one of
chaos beneath order.

The Research Library is blown to smithereens by a rocket


propelled grenade.

EXT. JUNGLE SHACK – DAY

Jose, having finished his tale, is looking very pleased


with himself. Quark looks at Senor Rodriguez.

SUBTITLE QUARK
Can I have a few minutes alone with
Senor Rodriguez?
36

INT. SHACK – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Senor Rodriguez is sitting on a chair in the middle of the


room, eyes wide, vibrating in fear. Quark paces around him,
contemplating what tack he should he take…

QUARK
Hablas ingles?

Senor Rodriguez nods fearfully. Quark paces, sighs…

QUARK
I feel I owe you an explanation for
your current circumstances.

Senor Rodriguez just sweats. Quark paces, has a


contemplative belt of tequila…

QUARK
In the beginning, there was the mugging
of Tina’s family…

THE SUPER SLOW MOTION HOLOGRAM OF THE MUGGING

Ruth (staring at the ground), Tina’s Mother (screaming),


Tina’s Father’s (falling), and Tina, the little slut…

QUARK (V.O.)
I explained the situation with respect
to Tina’s nymphomania, making brief
mention of the concealed condoms, and
her betrayal of Tom and Gary…

Quark paces around Senor Rodriguez, then starts writing


equations on the blackboard. Senor Rodriguez just sits
there in abject terror. Time passes. Quark wipes his brow
with Tina’s panties, contemplates Senor Rodriguez…

QUARK
The crux of the matter, of course, is
quantum physics, the underlying
nature of reality, and Tina’s father…

Senor Rodriguez’s eyes widen.

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS, LANGELY, V.A. – DAY


37

We again follow Ollie North into Director Casey’s office. A


doctor is there, giving Casey a shot in his ass. As he
pulls up his pants, Casey mumbles (something “the fuck
out”) and the doctor leaves.

CASEY
Sit the fuck down.

OLLIE
(sitting down/re the doctor)
Everything all right, sir?

CASEY
No, everything is not all right! Our
Founding Fathers in Nicaragua are
broke, goddamn it, and The Pineapple is
holding back on the dope money he owes
them. We may need an excuse to
overthrow his ugly ass.

OLLIE
We could link him to the terrorist
attack on the research library. We
could call it “narco-terrorism.”

CASEY
“Narco-terrorism.” I like it…
Now who’s behind the library attack?

Ollie places a file on the cluttered desk. Casey swats at


an imaginary fly buzzing around his head. Ollie notices but
keeps silent. Casey examines a file, eyes narrowing.

CASEY
Mmmm. He looks familiar.

Ollie sees that Casey is examining High Pockets’s mug shot


again. Points at a different file.

OLLIE
Uh, sorry sir. This one, sir.

A mug shot of Jose, next to the one of Quark. Ollie puts


Quark’s multi-page handwritten letter in front of Casey.
38

OLLIE
We intercepted this communiqué a few
days ago. We believe it’s part of a
far-reaching terrorist conspiracy.
That’s a copy. We delivered the
original to the addressee, a physicist
in California.

CASEY
(reading)
“Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle”?
What the hell is that?

OLLIE
We’re looking into it, sir.

CASEY
“The underlying nature of subatomic
reality”?... “Stranger than we can
think?”

OLLIE
We’ve got our top code-breakers on it.

CASEY
“God… playing dice with the universe…?”
Sacrilege, Ollie!

Casey’s facial tic is acting up.

OLLIE
Are… are you all right, sir?

CASEY
Doctors! Whadda they know?

OLLIE
Are you ill, sir?

Casey rummages around his desk and finds a large plastic


sheet. Holds it up to the light.

CASEY
They took a picture of my head.
39

It’s an MRI; a brain scan. There’s a large black mass in


the middle, circled with a magic marker. An arrow pointing
to it is labeled “Brain Tumor.” Ollie stares in shock.

CASEY
(sarcastic/re his brain)
Does it look to you like there are any
“funny thoughts” in there?

OLLIE
Uh, no sir. No funny thoughts at all.

Casey points at the mug shots of Quark, Jose, and High


Pockets. Adds the mug shot of Flash to the mix. Intense…

CASEY
I want everybody terminated, I want The
Pineapple back on our payroll or
overthrown, I want our Founding Fighter
Father Freedoms to get some dope money,
and…
(waving Quark’s letter)
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!

INT. JUNGLE SHACK – LATE AFTERNOON

Quark pacing, gesturing, circling Senor Rodriguez, as he


continues his lecture. From Quark’s disheveled look, the
dent in the tequila bottle and the new equations and
diagrams on the blackboard, many hours have passed.

QUARK
And now we come to the problem known as
“Schrodinger’s Bandito,” which was
formulated by the great physicist,
Erwin Schrodinger.
(aside to the camera)
The problem is really known as
“Schrodinger’s Cat,” but under the
circumstances I figured Senor Rodriguez
would relate better to Banditos.

Quark goes to blackboard and uses one of Tina’s crotch-less


panties to erase his previous equations and diagrams. Now,
with stick figures (wearing sombreros) and equations, he
diagrams the physics problem of “Schrodinger’s… Bandito.”
40

LATER

Quark writes on the blackboard and lectures, more time


passing. Referring to a stick figure wearing a sombrero and
sitting in a schematic jail cell (with a vile of nerve gas
and a uranium atom that may or may not decay) and the
complex equation scrawled above it…

QUARK
…according to the Many Worlds
Interpretation of quantum physics, the
bandito is both alive AND dead, but in
two different branches of reality. This
is the interpretation both Tina’s
Father and I ascribe to.

Quark paces around Senor Rodriguez, has a contemplative


belt of tequila.

QUARK
You may be wondering what Schrodinger’s
Bandito or subatomic particles or
Tina’s father have to do with your
current circumstances, and indeed, with
What It All Means.
(pauses and sighs)
A reasonable question…

Quark glances at Senor Rodriguez. Notices something.

Senor Rodriguez has slumped forward in his chair,


unconscious. Quark pulls Senor Rodriguez’s head back for a
look at him: Senor Rodriguez’s eyes are half open, only the
whites visible.

Quark grunts and goes to the window. Outside, Jose is


romping with High Pockets, the other Banditos smoking
joints and guzzling tequila. One bandito shoots a book off
the head of another, William Tell-style.

QUARK
Jose! Tenemos un problema aqui!

Presently Jose and High Pockets appear, Jose with a bottle


of tequila in his hand, High Pockets with a volume of The
Book of Knowledge in his mouth.
41

A MINUTE LATER

Senor Rodriguez is stretched out on the bed; Jose dampens


one of Tina’s other panties (this one crimson) and uses it
to wipe the sweat from the librarian’s face. Jose opens one
of Senor Rodriguez’s eyes all the way: nothing but the
whites visible. He pulls out a pint bottle of tequila,
sticks it down Senor Rodriguez’s throat, sits back and
watches it go glug glug until empty. No reaction from Senor
Rodriguez. Jose says, “Ahhh,” nods sagely.

SUBTITLE QUARK
Looks like a coma of some sort.

QUARK (V.O.)
This development was upsetting, since,
in the short time knew him as a
sentient being, I’d grown quite fond of
Senor Rodriguez.

Jose pulls off one of Senor Rodriguez’s shoes and the sock,
sticks a match between two of Senor Rodriguez’s toes,
lights it and steps back. He, Quark, and High Pockets
observe closely as the match burns all the way down (the
three taking another step back) and goes out. Not a tremor
from Senor Rodriguez. Jose has a belt of tequila, again
says “Ahhh,” nodding sagely.

SUBTITLE JOSE
Yes, it’s some sort of coma.

SUBTITLE QUARK
Are you in the mood to attend to a
comatose librarian?

EXT. SHACK – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Two of Jose’s men strap Senor Rodriguez to a litter affixed


to a burro, then mount their horses.

BRIEF MONTAGE

The Banditos go through the usual hell in making the


pilgrimage to the city – more difficult with the litter.
42

QUARK (V.O.)
Jose had a couple of his men bring
Senor Rodriguez back to the University
and dump him in front of the medical
center.

In the dead of night the boys prop up the comatose Senor


Rodriguez in front of the university medical center, bang
on the door, then hightail out of there on horseback.

EXT. BANDITO SALOON - NIGHT

Quark rides up on his burro, High Pockets trotting


alongside, and another burro behind piled high with books
and Quark’s blackboard. The Bandito Saloon, “Enrique’s
Astoria del Waldorfo,” is on the dirt main drag of a small,
ramshackle Bandito Pueblo. Livestock in the street, no
electricity, armed Banditos at lookout in the church
steeple… the usual for a Bandito Pueblo.

QUARK (V.O.)
Jose’s gang had started a feud with
some rival Banditos from the other side
of the mountain…

FLASHCUT

Jose and his men in a gun battle with a gang of other


Banditos.

QUARK (V.O.)
Some sort of primitive territorial
imperative was at the bottom of it, I
suspect.

INT. BANDITO SALOON – NIGHT

Quark sets up his blackboard (covered with equations and


schematic atoms and sombreros) and prepares his notes for a
lecture. Total chaos in Enrique’s: Jose and a dozen or so
of his men are roaring drunk, swilling tequila and firing
an occasional pistol shot through the roof. Quark tries to
make himself heard over the din…

SUBTITLE QUARK
I’m going to give you guys some
insights into the underlying nature of
43

subatomic reality, plus their


implications regarding What It All
Means and Tina’s father! This is to put
your conflict with the rival Banditos
in the proper perspective!

No one hears him. Jose is brandishing a broken pool cue,


bellowing at his opponent. He lines up a shot, misses badly
– laughter from his men – lifts the table: the balls pour
into a corner pocket. Jose demands payment of the pool
wager. An argument breaks out over Jose’s questionable
interpretation of the rules of pool. As it escalates…

QUARK (V.O.)
High Pockets and I saw it coming…

Quark and High Pocket bolt from Enrique’s as a Bandito


brawl breaks out.

EXT. ENRIQUE’S BANDITO SALOON – NIGHT

Quark and High Pockets watch from outside as all hell


breaks lose in Enrique’s: Horrendous crashing and grunting
from inside. Quark takes out a notebook and observes as a
Bandito flies out a window and lands in a heap.

QUARK (V.O.)
Bandito brawls are in some ways similar
to certain aspects of quantum physics
and the subatomic realm.

Another Bandito flies out a window (the chaos within the


bar is not visible).

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


For example, physicists will not
directly observe an subatomic
particle’s behavior on its way to an
experimental result…

A PARTICLE ACCELERATOR

Atoms are again smashed together in chaotic, spectacular


high energy collisions. As before -- based on a glimpse of
a pipe and horn rim glasses -- one of the scientists is
Tina’s Father.
44

BACK TO THE BRAWL

Quark observes, makes notes as another Bandito flies out


another saloon window, then another out the door.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


…but will only observe the results of
the particle’s behavior.

…scientists observe more particle collisions as…

…Banditos are flying everywhere now, out windows, through


doors and crashing through walls…

QUARK (V.O.)
As in all chain reactions, the Bandito
brawl wound down slowly…

The frequency and velocity of flying Banditos abates… the


particle accelerator likewise winds down… Then, all is
quiet.

Quark makes notes as Jose staggers out onto the saloon


porch, his tattered sombrero in one hand, a bottle of
tequila in the other. Unconscious Banditos everywhere. Jose
belches. High Pockets sneezes.

INT. SALOON – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Quark racks the balls on the pool table, Jose and High
Pockets observing. Other than the three of them, the Saloon
is now empty.

QUARK (V.O.)
Since Jose was the only conscious
Bandito in the vicinity, I’d direct my
lecture at him.

Chalking the cue stick…

SUBTITLE QUARK
I’m going to use the careening balls to
demonstrate the cause-and-effect world
view of Sir Isaac Newton, and his
mistaken theory that the universe is a
predictable and orderly place. Watch
carefully.
45

Quark hits a mighty break shot but puts too much English on
it: the cue ball flies off the pack, across the room, and
thwock! it beans Jose in the middle of his forehead.

Jose topples over backwards, out cold...

INT. UNIVERSITY OF BARRANCA MEDICAL CENTER - DAY

Senor Rodriguez in intensive care, tubes coming out of him,


beeping monitoring equipment everywhere. Under heavy
sedation, he very slowly opens his eyes.

A SOUTH AMERICAN GENERALISSIMO is staring down at him,


along with Ollie North. The General opens a large loose
leaf book and starts turning the pages. Senor Rodriguez’s
eyes sleepily scan whatever is on the pages.

Suddenly Senor Rodriguez’s eyes snap wide open in fear. He


raises a very weak and shaky hand and slowly points at…

The mug shot of High Pockets (we’ve seen it before), one of


many mug shots of banditos and criminals on the book page.

Ollie puts a map of South America in front of Senor


Rodriguez. His shaky hand goes to indicate a location…

INT. JUNGLE SHACK - MORNING

Jose out cold on Quark’s bed, Quark mopping his buddy’s


face with another of Tina’s panties (electric blue with a
lightning bolt on the crotch). Jose starts coming around.

QUARK (V.O.)
As it turned out, my demonstration of
cause and effect knocked something
loose in Jose’s Bandito Consciousness.

Jose shakes his head to clear it, says, “Ahhhh,” gets up


and goes to the blackboard. Using a panty-eraser and chalk,
he corrects a complex equation. Quark looks on, astounded,
as Jose quietly sits down, dons Tina’s Father’s horn rimmed
glasses, sticks Tina’s Father’s pipe in his mouth (spoils
of the mugging) and commences to peruse one of Tina’s
Fathers books: “The Structure of Reality.”
46

SUBTITLE QUARK
You can’t read. Let alone in English.

Jose shrugs, makes a note in the book’s margin.

QUARK (V.O.)
Jose was now a… a Cosmic Bandito.

EXT. JUNGLE SHACK – NIGHT

Quark and Jose in lotus positions singing “Row, Row, Row


Your Boat,” tequila bottles in front of them, High Pockets
seated between them, howling in tune.

QUARK/JOSE (plus High Pockets)


Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream…

Shooting stars streak across the heavens.

QUARK (V.O.)
It is impossible to describe the
profundity of some of our experiences
under the influence of a Row, Row, Row
Your Boat high, but suffice to say that
Jose and I agree we’ve been put in
closer touch with the subatomic realm.

As Jose belts out ”Row, Row, Row Your Boat” in his


guttural, heavily accented baritone, his eyes closed…

QUARK (V.O.)
Jose even claims he has formed an
alliance with a Full Blown Bandito from
another branch of reality.

High Pockets wails, his snout pointed at the cosmos.

QUARK (V.O.)
God only knows what kind of weird doggy
trips High Pockets had been taking.

INT. JUNGLE SHACK – DAY


47

Quark is deep in contemplation, surrounded by Tina’s bawdy


paraphernalia and his research on What It All Means.

QUARK (V.O.)
Jose was off on a pilgrimage to the
city to get a copy of the International
Herald Tribune, to see if Tina’s Father
had responded to my message with a
classified ad addressed to “Mr. Quark.”

High Pockets whines from outside.

QUARK (V.O.)
The day of his return, I had a visitor.

Quark stands on his porch looking at something. High


Pockets cocks his head in curiosity.

WHAT QUARK AND HIGH POCKETS SEE

THE OLD INDIAN is approaching, clad in a leather loincloth.


A tiny, copper-colored guy no more than five feet tall, 80
pounds max, The Old Indian is festooned with feathers,
beads, amulets, and two Timex watches. He’d be right out of
National Geographic except for the size 25 Air Jordans he’s
wearing, which are more the relative size of snowshoes than
sneakers. Being untied, the real mystery is how they stay
on his feet – unless his feet really are that big, which is
a very bizarre thought.

The Old Indian mounts the porch and pats High Pockets on
the head. High Pockets’ tail wags.

QUARK (V.O.)
The Old Indian had done his post-
doctoral studies at Cambridge
University and spoke passable English.

The Old Indian stares at High Pockets’s wagging tail.

THE OLD INDIAN


Good dog.

INT. SHACK – A FEW MINUTES LATER

The Old Indian is squatting on the floor surrounded by


Tina’s hanging kinky wardrobe, her mega-vibrator and the
48

box of Milk Bone Flavor Snacks For Small Dogs on Quark’s


study table; the equation and diagram–filled blackboard is
nearby. High Pockets sits next The Old Indian, who shakes
some old dried bones and other weird shit and tosses them
onto the floor, studies the pattern. The Old Indian speaks
in a thick, upper crust British accent.

THE OLD INDIAN


I have heard rumors of your research
into the underlying nature of reality
and What It All Means…

The Old Indian looks up from the bones. He and Quark regard
each other like opponents in a formal debate. Then…

THE OLD INDIAN


Give me a banana.

Quark gives The Old Indian a banana. The Old Indian


swallows it whole, peel and all. Quark’s eyes narrow.

QUARK (V.O.)
I sensed he was trying to get the
didactic upper hand through
intimidation… Okay, if he wanted to
play that game…

QUARK
(holding up another banana)
What are bananas made of?

THE OLD INDIAN


Banana stuff.

QUARK
And what is ‘banana stuff’ made of?

THE OLD INDIAN


The Great Spirit.

QUARK
And what is the Great Spirit made of?

The Old Indian puts his hand on High Pockets’ head. High
Pockets’s tail wags. The Old Indian watches it go back and
forth.
49

THE OLD INDIAN


Ask his tail.

QUARK
What?

THE OLD INDIAN


The Great Spirit wags.

This takes Quark aback for a moment. He looks at High


Pockets’s wagging tail.

THE OLD INDIAN


The Great Spirit is moving in such a
way that when dogs wag their tales, the
tails are really stationary while
everything else wags. And since a dog’s
soul is centered in his tail-

QUARK
-Alright, alright. I get the point.

THE OLD INDIAN


Give me the banana.

Quark gives him the banana. Again, it goes down whole, peel
and all. Quark is getting rattled.

QUARK
That’s it. No more bananas.
(a short nod from The Old Indian)
Are you ready to hear me out?
(another short nod)
…In the beginning, there was the
mugging of Tina’s family…

THE SUPER SLO MO HOLOGRAM OF THE MUGGING

Tina, the little slut, poor repressed Ruth, Tina’s


screaming Mother, and the enigmatic Tina’s Father.

BACK TO QUARK

Pacing and lecturing.

QUARK (V.O.)
50

I explained how my newfound wisdom was


somehow related to Tina’s nymphomania,
plus her betrayal of Tom and Gary, but
that Tina’s Father was really at the
bottom of all this.

Later, Quark paces, a bit disheveled.

QUARK (V.O.)
I described Jose’s attack on the
University Research Library and the
abduction of Senor Rodriguez.

QUARK
How do you feel about comas?

THE OLD INDIAN


Comas are okay.

QUARK
(impressed)
Good… good…
(makes a decision)
I think you’re ready to hear what I
have to say.

A short nod from The Old Indian. Using another banana as a


pointer, Quark indicates on the blackboard the problem of
Schrodinger’s Bandito.

Time passes as Quark delves into Heisenberg’s Uncertainty


Principle. Quark puts the banana on the table next to the
Flavor Snacks and Tina’s mega-vibrator. He paces, deep in
thought. He’s sweating now and uses one of Tina’s panties
to mop his face. The Old Indian watches from his squat.

Quark goes back to the table and picks up Tina’s mega-


vibrator, which was next to the banana. Holds it up.

QUARK
See this banana?

The Old Indian’s eyes move in their sockets to the vibrator


Quark is holding up. Quark stares intently at The Old
Indian; he has not noticed his error.
51

QUARK
“Banana stuff” as you so quaintly put
it, is mostly carbon atoms, which are
in turn are comprised of even smaller
entities, subatomic entities. And what
are these subatomic entities made of?
(a grandly emphatic gesture)
Nothing we can call real. Nothingness!
(a beat to let this sink in)
Not only nothingness, but undulations
of nothingness!

The vibrator fires up, undulating and buzzing and blinking


in pink and red and blaring “Girls just wanna have fu-un.”

Quark, now realizing he has Tina’s mega-vibrator in his


hand and not a banana, is having trouble shutting the thing
off. Trying to maintain his concentration (plus his
dignity) he yells over Cyndi Lauper…

QUARK
And even… the undulations… are only…
(struggling with the vibrator)
…probability undulations!

The Old Indian closes his eyes and commences humming, a


high pitched waver, like a siren, rising in volume. High
Pockets, who doesn’t like sirens, starts howling.
Brandishing the undulating vibrator…

QUARK
As Tina’s Father would say, this…
banana… or whatever… PROBABLY exists!

Quark manages to shut off Tina’s mega-vibrator. Regaining


his composure…

QUARK
Einstein was not only wrong, but doubly
wrong! Not only does God play dice with
the Universe, but sometimes HE THROWS
THEM WHERE THEY CANNOT BE SEEN!
(wild-eyed)
How’s your Great Spirit doing now,
Jack?!
52

The Old Indian’s siren/humming stops abruptly; High Pockets


shuts his trap too. Silence. The Old Indian is stock-still
in his squat, eyes open but glassy. Quark waves a hand in
front of The Old Indian’s eyes. He doesn’t blink. Quark
pokes him gently. No reaction. A little harder. Gives him a
shove. The Old Indian topples over, his body frozen in the
squatting position like a marble statue.

Quark puts him back upright.

QUARK (V.O.)
As with Senor Rodriguez, I had shaken
up The Old Indian with my views on the
underlying nature of subatomic reality,
What It All Means, and Tina’s Father.

Quark sighs. What a day.

Whoooshh. A rocket propelled grenade roars through the


shack, entering through one window, exiting out the window
on the other side, barely missing Quark. A violent
explosion. The shack rocks, hanging panties flutter down.

Automatic weapons fire slices through the shack.

Quark dashes to the door.

WHAT QUARK SEES

Jose approaching at full gallop, a platoon of army vehicles


in hot pursuit. Heavier gunfire.

Jose does a flying dismount and enters the shack. Quark


slams the door and pulls his 9mm. He and Jose return fire.

EXT. SURROUNDING THE SHACK – CONTINUOUS

The troops deploy and open up further.

IN THE SHACK

Quark and Jose fire out a window, but Jose is excited about
something other than their dire situation. He yells some-
thing in Spanish, pulling a newspaper from under his
bandoliers: the International Herald Tribune.
53

While shots continue to devastate the shack, Quark opens


the Trib to the classified page and scans the ads. From
under his buckskin vest, Jose produces a box of Milk Bone
Flavor Snacks For Large Dogs. High Pockets appears, ready
for some Snacks. For High Pockets’ benefit, Jose points at
the dog on the front: a big dog. High Pockets whines. Jose
opens the box and gives him one.

Another RPG flies window-to-window through the shack,


exploding outside. The boys pay it no mind. Quark finds
what he’s looking for in the paper…

A classified ad reads: “Mr. Quark. It appears we have much


in common. A face to face meeting is called for. I believe
I can enlighten you.” Quark is stunned.

QUARK
He wants to meet us… enlighten us…

Jose lets fly his Bandito Yell: “Aaaa-eeee—yaaaa!” as


machinegun fire continues to riddle the shack.

QUARK
We gotta get to Sausalito!

JOSE
Si si! El Padre de Tina!

Vrrrrroooom! A plane at very low altitude buzzes the shack.


Quark and Jose peek out the window.

The plane, an old DC-3, buzzes the troops’ positions,


explosions on the ground in its wake.

INT. DC-3 – SAME

Flash at the controls, fat joint dangling, his 8 x 10 head


shot of Reagan hanging on the bulkhead nearby. The cockpit
is jammed with Robert, Jim and Aileron. Robert is in the
co-pilot seat calmly tossing grenades out the side window,
a bottle of tequila in his lap. Jim is concentrating on
opening another bottle of Dom. Pop! goes the cork; it
ricochets off the photo of Reagan and around the cockpit.
Jim tosses an empty bottle out the window.

ON THE GROUND
54

The air assault scatters the troops, the Dom bottle beaning
a guy aiming an RPG; it knocks him out.

The plane lands in the field adjacent to the shack and


taxis up to it. The door opens. Aileron bounds out. He and
High Pockets have a joyous doggy reunion.

The army troops are regrouping. They open fire again.

Flash grins at Jose through the cockpit side window as


shots lace the DC-3.

FLASH
Hey, Jose! Que pasta, hombre!

Jose grins, rapid-firing his twin Colts. In an amazing


blur, he reloads from his bandoliers and opens up again.
Jim appears in the plane’s doorway. Has a long pull of Dom.
In his Texas drawl…

JIM
Weren’t ya’ll were ‘sposed to meet us
in Panama?

QUARK
Something came up.

Jim nods, has a slug of Dom. Quark, firing, yells to Jose.

QUARK
The books! The papers! Los libros!
Los papeles!

Jose nods, bolts into the shack, firing as he does so.

IN THE SHACK

Jose collecting books and papers, stuffing them into a


sheepskin bag. He looks at the blackboard, the equations
and diagrams (Schrodinger’s Bandito, electrons circling
sombreros, etc.) just as a volley of machine gun fire
shatters it. More books go into the bag along with one of
Tina’s crotch-less panties. Ready to bolt, Jose’s eyes fall
upon Tina’s mega-vibrator, which flashes faintly in pink.
Jose hesitates; the thing makes him nervous. Then he
notices something else, eyes narrowing…
55

The Old Indian, frozen solid in his squat on the floor.

Jose grabs the mega-vibrator and puts it in The Old


Indian’s outstretched hand, closes the fingers around it
for a good grip. He then picks up The Old Indian and
carries him out as if he were an overnight bag.

EXT. SHACK – CONTINUOUS

Jose ascends the plane’s stairs with his load of books plus
The Old Indian; Aileron and High Pockets follow him into
the plane. Quark, firing bursts, follows them into the
plane, which starts taxiing. Then Jose jumps back out of
the plane and bolts back to the shack. He forgot something.

IN THE SHACK

Jose, dodging bullets, grabs the box of Milk Bone Flavor


Snacks For Large Dogs, runs back outside and…

…sprints after the taxiing airplane, Quark and High Pockets


in the doorway exhorting him on (High Pockets barking).
Jose throws the Flavor Snacks to Quark, then…

…Quark gives him a hand into the plane. It was close.

INT. DC-3 – CONTINUOUS

Quite a crew in there now: Flash, Robert, Jim, Quark, Jose,


plus The Old Indian (clutching Tina’s mega-vibrator) in his
permanent squat and size 25 Air Jordans, plus High Pockets
and Aileron. Everyone is happy to see everyone else, but as
Flash accelerates to takeoff…

THE ARMY PLATOON

isn’t giving up. Two jeeps with mounted machine guns are
making chase and gaining on them, firing.

IN THE DC-3

Robert casually tossing grenades out the side window, Jose


hanging out the other window blasting away with his Colts.

The jeeps swerve as the grenades explode, but they’re still


gaining on them.
56

In the plane, Jim passes the Dom to Quark, who has a pull
and passes it to Jose as he reloads. Jose has a pull and
flips a Flavor Snack to High Pockets, who catches it mid-
air. Jose tosses the Dom back to Jim.

One jeep overturns from a grenade explosion but the other


is still gaining on the plane.

Jim sticks his head out Flash’s window and flip-tosses his
now-empty Dom bottle. Up high it goes, end over end…

With a bonk! (Jim’s Dom bottles don’t shatter), it beans


the driver of the other jeep; the jeep swerves, overturns.

The DC-3 lifts off.

INSIDE THE DC-3

Everyone relaxes, not that they weren’t relaxed before… but


Flash looks out his window and sees something else.

FLASH
No problema.

QUARK
What?

FLASH
More company.

Quark looks out the window.

A U.S. Marine helicopter gunship is gaining on them.

FLASH
(grinning)
Guess who that is.

INT. GUNSHIP – CONTINUOUS

Ollie North, plus the Generalissimo from the Senor


Rodriguez hospital scene are in the gunship. A Marine opens
fire with a big .50 caliber.

ABOARD THE DC-3


57

Shots lace the plane. Jose fires back with his Colts.
Aileron is barking at their pursuers from Flash’s side
window. Quark notices that the cargo area is packed with
crates of guns. “Illegal CIA Arms Shipment To The
Nicaraguan Contras” is stamped on the crates. Suspicious-
looking bales have “CIA Dope Shipments To Illegally Fund
The Contras” stamped on them.

QUARK
What is all this stuff? And where’d you
get this airplane? And how’d you know
where we were?

FLASH
Ollie’s stuff, Ollie’s airplane, uh,
“borrowed” ‘em both from Ollie, then
shadowed Ollie, figuring he’d lead us
to you.
(grins)
You in a heapa trouble, boy. You and
ol’ Jose there.
(High Pockets whines)
Yeah, you too, big guy.

QUARK
Must be a misunderstanding of some
sort.

Misunderstanding or not, the boys are under heavy fire from


Ollie’s gunship. Flash descends to treetop level and
commences to try to shake his foe, clipping vegetation.

Finds a river and follows its course, the DC-3 shot up.

FLASH
No problema.

A suspension walk bridge up ahead, a peasant with a line of


burros crossing it.

Flash does a half barrel roll and descends to just off the
water. He’s now flying upside down.

INSIDE THE PLANE

Everyone is sprawled on the plane’s ceiling, which is now


the floor. Everyone except…
58

…The Old Indian, who is upside down, his feet still planted
on what used to be the floor but is now the ceiling. Is
this some sort of holy man voodoo, or are his huge Air
Jordans equipped with suction cups or what? In any event,
no one notices this phenomenon as…

THE DC-3

flies under the walk bridge upside down then returns to


level flight. (The peasant’s burros go nuts.)

The gunship veers off and gains altitude.

INT. GUNSHIP - CONTINUOUS

The U.S. Marine pilot shakes his head.

MARINE PILOT
That guy is either the best pilot I’ve
ever seen or completely nuts.

The gunship veers to the left, gives up the chase. The DC-3
veers to the right, off the river and inland over jungle.

OLLIE
What are you doing? He’s getting away!

MARINE PILOT
That’s Nicaragua on that side, sir. We
get shot down over Nic, there’d be an
international shit storm.

Ollie curses after the departing DC-3.

IN THE DC-3

Quark looks down at the terrain, yells to Flash.

QUARK
What country is that?

FLASH
Panama.

Quark cranes to see lots of soldiers down there.


59

FLASH
Don’t worry. They’re friendlies.

About 500 Nicaraguan soldiers open up with rifles, machine


guns, rocket launchers and anti-aircraft cannons.

The DC-3 is riddled with bullets and shrapnel. Both engines


start smoking and sputtering.

FLASH
No problema.
(like a commercial pilot)
Ladies and gentlemen, please check
under your seats for parachutes.

A FEW MINUTES LATER

Everyone (including High Pockets) except Flash and Aileron


is wearing a chute. Flash is still barreling along at
treetop level, clipping vegetation, the engines sputtering.

QUARK
How about some altitude?

FLASH
You wanna go higher up to jump down?
What’s the fuckin’ point of that?

Quark thinks about it for a moment.

QUARK
Yes. Higher up to jump down.

FLASH
Suit yourself.

Flash takes her up. The boys get ready to jump; Aileron is
now in the copilot’s seat. Quark yells to Flash.

QUARK
What about you two?

As both engines burst into flames and quit…

FLASH
Me and old Aileron, we never abandon a
perfectly good airplane.
60

Part of one wing falls off. Silence, except the wind


whistling through the many gaping holes in the airplane.

FLASH
No problema…

Quark, Robert (with a case of hand grenades), Jim (with a


case of Dom), and Jose, plus High Pockets bail out. (Jose
gives The Old Indian a shove and pulls his ripcord.)

Sputtering and smoking, The DC-3 descends, disappears


behind a mountain, obviously intent on crashing.

We see each of the rest of the crew floating towards the


unknown below.

EXT. PANAMA CITY – NIGHT (“Panama City, Four Days Later”)

Choas in the streets: rioting mobs, army vehicles


patrolling, a public square giant TV showing Manuel Noriega
(“The Pineapple”) giving a crazed anti-gringo speech,
pounding a machete on the podium.

INT. SLEAZY PANAMA CITY BAR – NIGHT

The nastiest bar we’ve ever seen. Makes Indiana Jones’s


Third World watering holes look like a Westwood T.G.I.F.
Quark, Robert, Jim, Jose, plus High Pockets at a table in
the middle of the place. The Old Indian is there too,
frozen in his squat on a chair between Quark and Jim, as if
he were now a member of the gang.

Jim takes off his cowboy hat and hangs it on Tina’s


vibrator, which glows briefly in pink under the hat.

The boys have been there a while and are tired from their
trek from Nicaragua. Plus Robert is drunk and cranky, a
dangerous situation. He keeps eyeing a TV over the bar,
which is showing Noriega’s anti-gringo speech. Robert is
meanwhile fingering something in the pocket of his leisure
suit. Jim, a bottle of Dom in front of him, quizzes Quark…

JIM
Let me get this straight, sport. Me and
Robert got a ship at the canal loaded
61

to the gills with product but you and


Jose are not interested in that.

QUARK
Right.

Jose nods, “Si, si.”

JIM
You guys are going to… Sausalito?

QUARK
Right.

Jose nods, “Si, si.” Meanwhile, Robert is getting more and


more aggravated by Noriega on the tube.

JIM
To meet up with some guy. Somebody’s
father.

QUARK
Right.

JOSE
El padre de Tina.

Robert goes to the bar. Glares at Noriega from close up.

JIM
What about the ship? The load? Aren’t
we’re partners, like always?

The bar’s very dangerous-looking clientele is staring at


Robert, who is staring at Noriega.

QUARK
This is more important. We just want to
catch a ride north on the ship.

JIM
The, uh, the Meaning of… of fucking
what?

QUARK
What It All Means. We’re on to it.
62

Jim shakes his head in disgust. Robert changes the bar TV


channel, nixing Noriega: Ronald Reagan giving a speech.
Robert looks around at the bad ass Panamanian mob. Points
at Reagan then at the American flag pin in his lapel. He
grins and gives a big thumbs up.

Simultaneously, every bad ass in the place pulls a gun.

EXT. BAR – A FEW SECONDS LATER

Bad asses stream out of the bar in panic.

QUARK (V.O.)
Robert’s method of self-defense is
unique. He himself never carries a gun.
He always has a hand grenade in the
pocket of his polyester jacket,
however. In case of trouble he pulls
the pin, drops the grenade, and, as he
puts it, “let the chips fall where they
may.”

Baboom! An explosion rocks the bar, windows blowing out. A


few stragglers emerge, dazed.

QUARK (V.O.)
It’s amazing how a violent explosion in
a confined area will separate the men
from the boys.

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Ollie enters Casey’s office and sits down before Casey can
tell him to sit the fuck down. Ollie, as usual, has a
folder-full of bad news.

Casey, his pants down, is being attended to by two doctors,


one looking into Casey’s ear, the other fiddling with
something stuck up Casey’s ass. Casey mumbles, shooing the
doctors the fuck out…

OLLIE
(re: the doctors)
What do they say, sir?
63

CASEY
What do they say? Ollie, haven’t you
been watching CNN? We got a shit storm
on our hands with that shoot-down over
Nicaragua. The media is going along
with the pilot’s claim that it was an
agency aircraft.

Casey flips on the TV: Wolf Blitzer (from the 1980s) saying
“CIA aircraft.” As Blitzer goes on in the background…

OLLIE
Well, it was our plane, sir. Stolen,
but ours. And, apparently, there was
evidence in the wreckage linking the
White House to subverting the will of
Congress and the American people by
running CIA dope and guns to re-supply
the contras… I mean our Founding
Fathers… in Nicaragua.

CASEY
What sort of evidence linking the White
House to subverting the will of
Congress and the American people by
running CIA dope and guns to re-supply
our Founding Fathers in Nicaragua could
they possible have?

CNN ON CASEY’S TV

Filling the TV screen is Flash’s framed head shot of a


smiling Ronald Reagan. The handwritten inscription reads:
“Thanks for your help subverting the will of Congress and
the American people by running CIA dope and guns to re-
supply our Founding Fathers in Nicaragua.” Signed: “Your
friend and Commander in Chief, Ronald Reagan.”

CNN cuts to Sandinista leader Daniel Ortega holding up the


photo. Reporters crowd around Ortega’s table examining the
photo and taking notes. Flash and Aileron are sitting next
to Ortega, Flash smiling and nodding and pointing at the
photo then pointing at himself and Aileron and mouthing
“CIA”. Flash’s arm is in a cast, sticking up at a 45 degree
angle, like a Nazi salute. Aileron’s tail is in a splint;
it apparently got bent in the crash of the DC-3.
64

Casey angrily changes the TV channel: Nancy Reagan is


exhorting America to “Just ‘say no’ to drugs.”

CASEY
(re the Ortega fiasco)
Who’s behind this, Ollie?

Ollie opens his folder, takes out a photo of the DC-3


wreckage: the clearly marked crates of CIA guns and bales
of dope. Ollie points to something in the wreckage, circled
in magic marker. Gives Casey another photo.

OLLIE
Computer enhanced enlargement, sir.

CLOSE ON THE PHOTO

A grainy blow up of the box of Milk Bone Flavor Snacks For


Large Dogs that Jose brought on board the plane.

CASEY
Him again!

From the desk Casey picks up the mug shot of High Pockets -
- his tongue hanging out foolishly – and studies it.
Casey’s facial tic is acting up again.

OLLIE
Well, uh, yes sir, the same terrorist
organization.

Casey, outraged, rummages again, finds Quark’s intercepted


letter to Tina’s Father. Reads aloud…

CASEY
“Schrodinger’s Bandito?!”
(waves the letter)
What does intel say about this goddamn
thing?

OLLIE
The boys at cryptology have been
working around the clock…

CASEY
Intel, Ollie. Gimme the intel.
65

OLLIE
The repetition of ‘rowing your boat’ is
a tough one, sir, but we think Schro-
dinger is an assassin, ‘counterparts in
different branches of reality’
indicates the different terrorist cell
members… And with the atomic references
and the involvement of the physicist…
the consensus is that they’re develop-
ing a weapon of mass destruction.
(Casey reacts)
Possibly some sort of Doomsday Device.

CASEY
Doomsday Device?

OLLIE
Yes sir… There is one other scenario.
It sounds implausible but I thought you
should know.

CASEY
Implausible or not, gimme the intel. I
need intel. Feed me intel, Ollie!

OLLIE
It’s possible, sir, that these
terrorists are attempting to uncover
What It All Means.

Casey’s mind is racing, his facial tic going haywire now.

CASEY
What It All Means?...

Casey snaps out of it. Studies the photo of High Pockets…

CASEY
Where are these bastards now? Feed me.

OLLIE
We think Panama.

CASEY
(nods, eyes narrowing)
Panama… So The Pineapple is involved in
all this… We attack!
66

OLLIE
Attack, sir? You mean Panama? Attack
the country?

CASEY
We take over the shit hole, blow it up,
whatever. First we amass an
expeditionary force and come up with
something the…
(indicates the portrait of Reagan)
…shit head actor can say… What was it?
Had a ring to it.

OLLIE
“Narco-terrorism”?

CASEY
Right. Use it.

OLLIE
We’ll still need a pretext for the
invasion.

But Casey’s mind is elsewhere.

CASEY
The WMD we can deal with… but… What It
All Means, Ollie…
(profoundly worried)
We can’t let that get out.

EXT. PANAMA CANAL WHARF – DAY

A rustbucket freighter is being loaded with marijuana


bales. Robert and Jim supervise; also being loaded are a
few hundred cases of Dom and hand grenades.

INT. FREIGHTER – NIGHT

Quark, Jose and High Pockets in the crew’s salon. A


blackboard has been set up; more equations, a sombrero with
electrons circling it and subatomic particle diagrams. Jose
and Quark confer while the Latino crew (The Old Indian
squatting in their midst) watches TV: Wolf Blitzer (in
“Panama City”) filling us in on the latest...
67

WOLF BLITZER
With mounting evidence of Noriega’s
involvement in narco-terrorism, a U.S.
expeditionary force is on its way to
the waters off Panama. Tension remains
high as the U.S. has warned that any
violent incident could precipitate…

As Blitzer rambles on with more bullshit, the tube cuts to


aircraft carrier battle groups, Marines being deployed,
Noriega pounding his machete again, etc. Jose’s mind is
elsewhere though…

SUBTITLE JOSE
I have a plan to keep Tina’s Father on
his conceptual toes.

AN HOUR LATER

Jose fiddles with the ship’s radio while Quark writes one
of his letters. Stacks of letters and envelopes are piled
up.

SUBTITLE QUARK
Your plan is brilliant in its
underlying subatomic simplicity.

SUBTITLE JOSE
The true scientist’s worldview is
childlike.

LATER

More letters pile up. Jose on the radio speaking to


Banditos all over Latin America. The other Banditos listen
and nod. (Split screen might work here.) Quark continues
writing notes and putting them in envelopes.

QUARK (V.O.)
I would compose a new volley of
subatomic musings. Jose has Bandito
cohorts all over South and Central
America – a veritable Bandito
grapevine…

MONTAGE
68

Jose mails Quark’s letters – dozens of them – from Panama.

Banditos all over Latin America – from the bottom of Chile


to Mexico – collect and disseminate the envelopes to still
other Banditos. This is a complex operation involving
scores of Banditos, coordinated by Jose. (Music: the theme
from Mission Impossible.)

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


Jose would have his far-flung buddies
mail my letters to Tina’s father from
many different Bandito Strongholds
simultaneously.

Banditos, often checking their watches, amass and lurk near


post offices all over Latin America, dozens of cities, each
Bandito with a single envelope.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


Since the handwriting and the
unmistakable style of my profundities
will be the same, it will appear to
Tina’s father that I am in many
different places at the same instant!

In a highly coordinated action, the various Banditos enter


the post offices, guns drawn, and break into the back. At
gunpoint they force the P.O. employees to postmark stamp
each letter at exactly the stroke of noon.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


As we move north for our rendezvous
with Tina’s father, we’ll keep an eye
on the International Tribune to see if
he picks up on our subtle yet ingenious
reference to the Many Worlds Interpret-
ation of quantum physics – each letter
representing a metaphorical counterpart
of me, writing from an alternative
branch of reality. We are, in essence,
putting Tina’s Father’s subatomic
mettle to the acid test.

Gun battles with troops break out in some cities as the


Banditos exit the post offices and escape on horseback.
69

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


We will include Tom and Gary in our
literary bombardment, with the goal of
imparting further perspective on Tina’s
nymphomania and her betrayal of both of
them.

EXT. CANAL – THE RUSTBUCKET FREIGHTER - NIGHT

All quiet on the wharf.

IN THE SHIP

Quark, Jose, and High Pockets asleep in their bunks, The


Old Indian squatting on a table.

QUARK (V.O.)
All was going as planned, until the
night before our scheduled departure on
the voyage north, Robert and Jim on
their smuggling run, Jose and I on our
quest to confront Tina’s Father.

Quark dreams of a particle accelerator experiment in which


he is wearing Tina’s Father’s glasses and smoking his pipe
as he confers with other scientists on the meaning of the
subatomic particle collisions. Then, reality interrupts the
serene dream as we hear an awful bellowing sound. The
dream-scientists panic: alarms go off; it looks like a
malfunction that could result in a nuclear melt down…

QUARK (V.O.)
Robert and Jim showed up after a night
on the town. It was awful…

Quark wakes from the dream but the bellowing continues,


plus a splash. He runs to the porthole and looks down.

THE CANAL WHARF

Robert is attempting to haul his huge body out of the water


with a slippery warp; he bellows. Jim, a magnum of Dom in
one hand and a magnum of .357 in the other, plus a huge
joint in his mouth, is howling in laughter.

High Pockets starts howling.


70

Robert makes it onto the wharf and faces Jim. The two are
fucked up. Robert looks at the joint in Jim’s mouth.

ROBERT
Gimme that joint.

JIM
Fuck you.

Robert pulls a grenade from his leisure suit jacket and


hooks his finger around the pin. Glaring at Jim…

ROBERT
Gimme the joint or I’ll blow myself up.

Jim levels the .357 at Robert.

JIM
Pull that pin and I’ll blow your head
off.

Quark stares down in horror at Robert and Jim in their


Polish standoff. High Pockets erupts in a sneezing attack.

Jim puts the .357 muzzle to the end of the joint.

JIM
All right. Lemme light this sucker up.

A loud bang and bright flash. Jim is knocked on this ass by


the recoil. He looks at the joint: it’s a lot shorter now,
and still unlit.

Robert pulls the pin on the grenade. A faint hissing sound


as the fuse within burns. Robert stares at the grenade as
if trying to remember something.

Quark has to think fast.

QUARK
Robert! Remember that trout fishing
trip you told me about?

ROBERT
Aaahrgaraahh?
71

QUARK
Trout fishing! How do you do it?

Robert’s eyes light up. He throws the grenade into the


canal. Baboooom! A ton of water and dead fish rain down.

INT. AIRCRAFT CARRIER – NIGHT

In the expeditionary force command center, THE SUPREME


ALLIED COMMANDER is on the radio, listening and nodding.

SUPREME ALLIED COMMANDER


Gunshots and explosions in the canal
zone? Roger that. We have our invasion
pretext.
(switching radio channels)
Now hear this. Launch “Operation Just
Because.” (Note: The code name for the
invasion of Panama was “Just Cause”)

MONTAGE

The invasion of Panama begins: by air, sea and land.

EXT. THE SEA OFF PANAMA – DAWN

Quark, Jose, and Jim watch from the freighter’s rail as


distant Panama City is laid to waste by air bombardment.

EXISTING DOCUMENTARY FOOTAGE

of the destruction of Panama by U.S. forces.

ON THE FREIGHTER

Robert appears, juggling three hand grenades. As he enters


a door labeled “Engine Room”…

ROBERT
The engine’s running rough. Think I’ll
tune it up.

A FEW MINUTES LATER

Robert emerges from the engine room, now juggling two hand
grenades. He seems to remember something. Stops juggling
and looks at the two grenades.
72

ROBERT
Didn’t I have three a minute ago?

A violent explosion rocks the ship, the Latino crew


panicking. Smoke is pouring from the engine room doorway.

A FEW MINUTES LATER

Quark, Jose, and High Pockets watch from a skiff as the


ship sinks. The Old Indian is with them, frozen his squat
by the boat’s outboard engine. They’ve saved the physics
texts and notebooks too.

Jim and Robert are in another lifeboat.

JIM
Goddamn, Robert…

ROBERT
It was an accident.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - GARY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Gary opens his mailbox: stacks of Quark’s letters fall out.


Gary stares down at them, quaking in angst-ridden fear.

EXT. SAUSALITO - TOM’S APARTMENT – DAY

Tom opens his mailbox with the same result; stacks of


Quark’s simultaneously Bandito-mailed letters. Tom frowns
at the inconvenience and dumps them in the trash with the
junk mail.

INT. GARY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Gary sitting on his bed (as before), Quark’s messages piled


all around. He’s read about half of them, finishes another,
frantically tears open another. An anxiety attack is coming
on. (On the wall behind him the “Raiders” and “Apocalypse
Now” movie posters have been replaced by two new ones: “The
Wizard of Oz” and “La Cage aux Folles.”) Gary’s TV is on.

Merlin Parkins, his wildlife show: Footage of Jose riding


through the bush when he was on the way to the city to mug
Tina’s family. (Same footage we’ve seen.)
73

MARLIN PARKINS (V.O.)


…rare footage of a Full Blown Bandito
in his natural habitat. The Full Blown
Bandito is distinguishable by his regal
posture and oversized sombrero.

On the TV, Jose sits his horse looking regal.

INT. TOM’S APARTMENT – DAY

Tom is on the phone, the TV on in the background. CNN. Tom


sweet talks his latest conquest.

TOM
Hey, babe, uh, Carol, the Tomster here.
(cool)
Riiight, the guy with the Porsche from
last night. (More)

WOLF BLITZER (from the TV)


… in well coordinated terrorist raids
in twenty cities in Latin American
countries, post offices were attacked
in an apparent attempt to disrupt
international commerce and the coming
Latin-American Anti-Terrorism
Conference. International tensions are
increasing as a result of the attacks…

Tom channel surfs while he talks up the babe, comes upon


Marlin Parkins’s show: footage of Jose in the city.

MERLIN PARKINS (V.O.)


For the Full Blown Bandito, cities are
good for one thing only: mating. He’ll
come into the city once or twice a
year, mate as often as possible…

Jose exits a barrio door, buckling his bandolier and


tucking in his pants. A foxy senorita comes out; her
clothes disheveled, she’s flushed with lingering passion.
Then another spent senorita comes out… and another…

MERLIN PARKINS (V.O.)


… then retreat to his natural habitat,
the jungle, leaving an impressive array
of breathless females in his wake.
74

Tom channel surfs to a tennis match. Does an imaginary


tennis swing, a forehand passing shot down the line.

INT. TINA’S FAMILY’S HOUSE – DAY

The TV. In the foreground is a coffee table with Tina’s


Father’s pipe and horn rim glasses. On the TV is Treasure
of Sierra Madre. The all-time classic bandito is saying:
“Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges!” From O.C.
Tina’s Mother issues a short screech. (We don’t see the
family, just the TV and the foreground table.)

TINA’S MOTHER (O.C.)


Oh, no, please! Turn it off!

TINA (O.C./nasty)
Oh, get over it, Mother.

TINA’S FATHER (O.C.)


Change the channel, Tina! Your mother
is suffering from post traumatic stress
disorder from the mugging and needs--

TINA (O.C.)
--Jesus, Dad, we can’t even drive by a
Taco Bell without her going bananas!

We hear someone enter the room. Treasure of Sierra Madre is


still on the tube; more Banditos. Tina’s Mother gasps.

RUTH (O.C.)
You got a bunch of mail, Dad.

TINA’S FATHER (O.C.)


Just put it on the table, Ruth.
Tina! Change the channel! Now!

The TV channel changes: Marlin Parkins’s show. We’ve seen


this footage before also: the prelude to the mugging. Jose
and his men close in on the family. Meanwhile, a bagful of
mail is dumped on the foreground table: Stacks and stacks
of Quark’s letters. Tina reacts to the mugging footage:

TINA (O.C./excited)
Hey, that’s us! On television!
75

MARLIN PARKINS (V.O. from TV)


This is the only known footage of a
Full Blown Bandito stalking his prey…

We hear short gasping breaths and terrified moans: Tina’s


Mother is having an anxiety attack. As the show cuts to a
close up of Jose we hear a THUD.

EXT. WILDERNESS RIVER – CENTRAL AMERICA – DAY

Jose guides the outboard-powered skiff from the freighter


sinking up the winding tropical river, meanwhile reading a
physics text. Quark sits just forward of him, High Pockets
by his side. The Old Indian is amidships in his frozen
squat, clutching Tina’s vibrator. Quark peruses a copy of
the International Herald Tribune.

INSERT – CLASSIED AD

It reads: “Mr. Quark: Your reference to the Many World


Interpretation of quantum physics was child’s play. Surely
you can do better than that. Hope to see you soon.”

SUBTITLE QUARK
We’ve underestimated Tina’s Father’s
subatomic acumen, possibly insulted his
intelligence.

SUBTITLE JOSE
We will do better in our next volley of
messages.

CLOSE ON QUARK – LATER

Now Quark steers the skiff as the afternoon sun glistens on


the river. He contemplates the papers, books, and class-
ified ads that amount to the conceptual jigsaw puzzle that
is his perception of Tina’s Father. He looks off into the
distance, up river, contemplating his perilous quest. The
voice over is now that of Martin Sheen, his tone
portentous, as in the river scene from “Apocalypse Now,”
wherein he analyses Kurtz’s dossier.

MARTIN SHEEN (V.O.)


Tina’s father… To what real end is my
need to confront the man, to probe his
76

giant intellect for some inkling of


What It All Means?

FLASH TO THE HOLOGRAM SLO MO OF THE MUGGING

Tina’s Father splayed in disarray - pipe and glasses flying


- in his fall to the ground.

MARTIN SHEEN (CONT. V.O.)


And whence springs that giant
intellect? From the same collective
unconscious – the wisdom of the cosmos
- from which springs my need, my angst,
and my possibly unsound methods?

On the river, Quark looks at Tina’s vibrator, clutched in


The Old Indian’s hand. He fingers Tina’s crimson panties.

MARTIN SHEEN (CONT. V.O.)


And what of Tina? On what arcane and
convoluted level do her crotch-less
panties, her betrayal of Tom and Gary,
and indeed, her nymphomania, reflect my
own dark desires?

The mugging. Tina, the little slut, in mid-ice cream cone


lick, gazing at us with lust in her heart.

MARTIN SHEEN (CONT. V.O.)


And what of Tina’s sister, Ruth?

Ruth staring at the ground, meekly waiting for the mugging


to be over.

MARTIN SHEEN (CONT. V.O.)


Ruth, poor Ruth, Ruth of Lethargy and
Sloth! How my heart goes out to her!
(pause)
And Tina’s Mother.

Tina’s Mother. Her mouth - in her silent scream of terror –


is a gaping cavern.

MARTIN SHEEN (CONT. V.O.)


Is her fear merely the very human fear
of the unknown, or is it reflective of
some deeper existential horror?
77

ON QUARK

gazing upriver, contemplating. Looks behind the skiff.

BEHIND THE SKIFF

Jose is waterskiing, wearing his sombrero, bandoliers and


Fruit of the Loom underwear. Music: the first few notes of
the Stones’ “Satisfaction”.

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS – DAY

Ollie enters. Three doctors attend to Casey, whose head is


wired to an EEG machine: In the background, wavy green
lines on a cathode monitor measure Casey’s brain activity.
As per usual, Casey shoos the doctors the fuck out. Ollie
sits, “Bad News File” stenciled on the file under his arm.
Ollie eyes the electrodes pasted on Casey’s head, then
Casey’s oscillating brain waves on the screen behind him.

CASEY
This stuff? It’s nothing, Ollie.
The idiot doctors are still trying to
find “funny thoughts…”
(smirks/taps his temple)
…in here.

Casey’s facial tic is now continuous and we sense the


reason why: copies of Quark’s letters to Tina’s Father are
all over the desk. Reading aloud and musing to himself…

CASEY
“Concealed condoms…” And “Tina…” Tina,
Tina, Tina… could be a codename for the
Doomsday Device…
(to Ollie/re the letter)
It was… him… behind the South American
post office attacks, wasn’t it?

Casey looks down at the mug shot of High Pockets: the wavy
green lines on the EEG monitor get a bit jagged and
erratic, pulsing in tune with his facial tic.

OLLIE
Yes, sir. Apparently. We’re beefing up
security at the Mexican border.
78

CASEY
Feed me intel, Ollie. Feed me.

Ollie puts his file on the desk, opens it. A copy of the
International Trib, the classified page. The ad to “Mr.
Quark” is circled.

OLLIE
This classified ad was placed from the
physicist’s home phone. International
Trib ads are a common method of
communication among terrorist cells.

CASEY
Ollie… Do you think he has uncovered…
What It All Means?

OLLIE
I, uh… well, uh, it’s hard to say, sir.

Casey picks up one of Quark’s letters and rereads it. His


EEG lines (in the b.g.) go haywire.

EXT. CENTRAL AMERICA JUNGLE CAMPFIRE - NIGHT

Quark, Jose, High Pockets, and The Old Indian by a campfire


at a Bandito stronghold, physics texts and International
Tribs spread out. Banditos are swilling tequila and not
listening as Quark lectures on quantum theory.

Meanwhile, Jose draws a line south to north on a map.

SUBTITLE JOSE
(to High Pockets)
The pattern of our message sending will
change from the Simultaneous Bandito
Stronghold Theory to the Concept of the
Creeping Banditos.

High Pockets cocks his head and whines.

EXT. CENTRAL AMERICAN PUEBLO – DAY

Quark, Jose, and High Pockets dodge an army patrol, bolt


into the pueblo. Quark sticks a letter in a mailbox and the
boys bolt back into the jungle. Meanwhile…
79

QUARK (V.O.)
With each message postmarked from a few
miles north of the last, it will soon
become obvious to Tina’s father that we
are creeping up on him.

INT. RURAL MEXICAN BAR – DAY

RAMON, a sleazy Mexican, is at the bar with Robert, Jim,


Flash and Aileron. Flash and Aileron still have their arm
cast and tail splint, respectively. Ramon is wearing a
tattered flight uniform with “Ramon’s Air Taxi” stenciled.
Robert has a bottle of tequila, Jim a magnum of Dom. On a
TV over the bar CNN is showing U.S. troops amassing at the
Mexican border. Ramon is cranky about the news. Everything
about this guy is Al Pacino from “Scarface.”

RAMON
You (“jou”) fockin cock-a-roach
gringos, mang. Fock you. Now you are
theenking terrorists are coming from my
country? Fock you, mang. Fock you and
the cock-a-roach you rode in on.

Roman helps himself to Robert’s tequila as the TV cuts to


an American congressman accusing the Reagan administration
of conducting an illegal war in Nicaragua (real footage).

RAMON
You focking cock-a-roach gringos are
blowing up Panama, mang, and then you
are blowing up Nicaragua and now you
are theeking to blow up my country and
all the focking cock-a-roaches in it.

Robert, drunk, plus hostile at Roman’s attitude, is fishing


in his leisure suit jacket pocket. We can guess what’s in
there. Jim notices and subtly shakes his head. Robert
frowns and relents. No grenade pulling right now.

FLASH
So what kinda airplane you got, man?

RAMON
(more hostile/sarcastic)
80

What kinda airplane I got, mang? I tell


you what kinda airplane I got, mang.
(flaps his arms)
She got wings, mang, just like a
focking cock-a-roach-

Jim picks up his Dom bottle and with a bonk knocks Ramon
out cold with it.

EXT. RAMON’S AIRSTRIP – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Ramon’s beat up old twin engine Beech-18 is doing tight


circles on the grass strip – only one engine is running
(misfiring), which makes it hard to taxi straight.

INT. BEECH-18 – SAME

Flash, joint dangling -- Aileron in the copilot’s seat --


is trying to start the other engine. Aileron whines.

FLASH
No problema, Aileron. We get the other
engine started we can go in a more
straight line.

The world outside is a blur as the plane spins around and


around. Jim and Robert are in the seats behind Flash and
Aileron, holding onto their Dom and tequila, respectively,
fighting the centrifugal force of the spinning. Robert
fumbles with a hand grenade.

ROBERT
When we find ‘em, I’ll drop this on ‘em
as a sig-
(starts to belch then holds it in)
signal.

Robert belches horribly, then cuts a monumental fart. Panic


in the plane as Jim jumps forward to try to stick his head
out the copilot’s window. He and Aileron fight over the
window space, Aileron scrambling and whining in fright.

JIM
Goddamn, Robert!!!

EXT. AIRSTRIP - SAME


81

Flash and Jim and Aileron have their heads sticking out the
side windows as the plane continues to do tight circles.

EXT. JUNGLE – DAY

Quark and Jose in the bush just outside a small, rural


Mexican pueblo, The Old Indian squatting nearby. Quark is
giving High Pockets an envelope.

QUARK
Okay, boy. It’s too dangerous for Jose
and I to show our faces. You’ve seen us
do this a hundred times. You got it
down, right?

High Pockets whines, takes the envelope in his mouth and


trots off.

A FEW MINUTES LATER

Quark and Jose high up in a tree overlooking the pueblo.

WHAT THEY SEE

The envelope in his mouth, High Pockets trots into the


pueblo, stops and looks around. It’s siesta time and only a
few peasants are out and about.

High Pockets spots the post office, a red mail box in


front. Heads for it.

In the treetop, Jose nudges Quark, points.

EXT. POST OFFICE – SAME

A MEXICAN SOLDIER dozing on a bench in front of the post


office. His eyes sleepily open.

Sees High Pockets mail the letter.

The Soldier closes his eyes again. A beat and they snap
open. Something has occurred to him. He gets up and goes
into the post office.

INT. POST OFFICE – SAME


82

Among the many Wanted posters of desperate characters is


the mug shot of High Pockets.

The Soldier frantically blows his whistle.

IN THE TREETOP

Quark and Jose watch in concern as a platoon of soldiers


appear and chase High Pockets around the main square.

Jose, angered at seeing High Pockets in trouble, checks his


pistols. But just at that moment the branch the boys are
sitting on breaks. Down they go.

ON THE GROUND BY THE OLD INDIAN

Dazed, Quark and Jose look around to find they are


surrounded by another platoon. An airplane roars overhead,
its engines misfiring.

INT. MEXICAN MILITARY COMMAND POST – DAY

Quark and Jose, manacled hand and feet, are sitting in


straight-backed chairs in an interrogation room, High
Pockets leashed to a water pipe, his paws manacled and jaws
tied shut with a bandana. The Old Indian is squatting on
the floor, his outstretched hands manacled. One of the
three guards is curiously examining Tina’s vibrator, which
suddenly blinks faintly in pink. The guy’s eyes narrow.

COLONEL MENENDEZ

enters. The stereotype of a mean and sadistic down south


greaseball. Tapping a rubber bludgeon on his palm, he
circles Quark and Jose. He settles on Quark. Heavy accent…

COLONEL MENENDEZ
So you are thee terrorists thee gringo
CI-fucking-A is wanting so badly, eh?

QUARK
It’s all a misunderstanding.

COLONEL MENENDEZ
Silencio!
(brandishing the bludgeon)
83

I am Colonel Manuel Antonio Gonzolas de


Maria la Virgin de Guadaloupe y Otras
Palabras Menendez and I theenk you are
going to tell me everytheeng, eh?

QUARK
Absolutely. I’ll tell you everything.

COLONEL MENENDEZ
(to his men)
Theese hombres they are not so tough as
thee rumors say, eh?

Derisive laughter. Jose starts singing “Row, Row, Row Your


Boat.” High Pockets tries to sneeze; with his jaws tied
shut, not much comes out.

COLONEL MENENDEZ
Silencio!

But Jose’s eyes are closed and Colonel Menendez’s men are
unable to shut him up. Finally, Colonel Menendez has one of
his men plug up Jose’s mouth with a banana. But Jose is on
autopilot; “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” now sounds more or
less like “Oh, oh, oh, er oat”. To Quark…

COLONEL MENENDEZ
What ees wrong with him?!

QUARK
He’s trying to conjure up his Full
Blown Bandito counterpart from another
branch of reality.
(Colonel Menendez’s eyes narrow)
If he does, trust me, pal, you’re in
trouble. The last thing you want is a
Cosmic Bandito pissed off at you.

Colonel Menendez does not take threats lightly. He waves


his rubber bludgeon in front of Quark’s face. We now see
that it’s shaped suspiciously like a dildo.

COLONEL MENENDEZ
You are now going to tell me
everytheeng, no?
84

QUARK
Absolutely. Where do I start?

COLONEL MENENDEZ
At thee begeeening of your life as a
terrorist.

Quark rises to do his usual pacing, but he’s hampered by


the manacles on his feet. Still, he does his best.

QUARK
In the beginning, there was the mugging
of Tina’s family…

Quark clanks around the room lecturing: INTERCUT glimpses


of Tina, her condoms, Tom, Gary, and Tina’s Father.

QUARK (V.O.)
I reviewed the concept of Tina’s
nymphomania and how it related to all
our circumstances, making sure to
mention that Colonel Menendez himself
was now linked forever to Tina, her
concealed condoms, and her betrayal of
Tom and Gary. I pointed out that more
than anyone, Tina’s father was at the
bottom of all this.

Later, as Quark paces and lectures…

COLONEL MENENDEZ
SILENCIO!!!!

QUARK (V.O.)
Colonel Menendez reacted badly to the
mention of Schrodinger’s Bandito.
(The Colonel barks orders)
He told his men to take us out and have
us shot.

EXT. MILITARY COMPOUND COURTYARD – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Quark, Jose, High Pockets, and The Old Indian are tied to
poles in the courtyard, Jose and The Old Indian with
blindfolds. Jose, the banana in his mouth, is still singing
“Row, Row, Row Your Boat.” The Captain of the firing squad
is trying to put a blindfold on Quark, but Quark is saying
85

in Spanish that High Pockets needs one. The Captain retorts


that “Pero es un perro.” Quark: “Y que?” The argument goes
on until Colonel Menendez roars from the command post…

COLONEL MENENDEZ
Hurry up and get eet over with and make
sure the lunatic in thee middle (Quark)
gets a few extra bullets on general
principle!

Quark yells back…

QUARK
I bet you’re not such a big shot in a
few alternative branches of reality!

As the firing squad aims, Jose spits out the banana.

SUBTITLE JOSE
Why can’t I see anything?

SUBTITLE QUARK
Because you’re blindfolded… Oh, and
we’re all about to be shot.

As Jose erupts in a Bandito Temper Flare Up and breaks his


restraints, the command post blows up, Colonel Menendez
flying through the air and landing in a heap. Heavy fire
from the surrounding bush scatters the firing squad. Jose
frees Quark and High Pockets, then goes to get their burro,
tied nearby. He sees a nearby newspaper vendor…

EXT. MOUNTAINOUS TERRAIN – LATE AFTERNOON

The boys, with The Old Indian secured to the burro, make
their way through the bush, Quark meanwhile reading a
classified ad in the Trib. In English…

QUARK
“Mr. Quark: There is no force of
gravity as such. A celestial body
merely pays attention to what it finds
in its neighborhood.”

SUBTITLE JOSE
Tina’s father is quoting Einstein.
86

SUBTITLE QUARK
Yes, a clear reference to the fact that
the square of the distance between us
and him is ever decreasing. He under-
stood perfectly our subtle reference to
the Concept of the Creeping Banditos.
(reads)
“We have much to discuss…”

Jose nods, then holds up his hand to stop. He looks


skyward. An airplane with misfiring engines is approaching.

The boys take cover and draw their weapons. Here it comes.

Appearing over the next hill is a dilapidated Beech 18


flying erratically at treetop level, its engines misfiring.

QUARK
Probably bounty hunters!

Quark and Jose open up as the plane flies over. The right-
side engine bursts into flames.

The plane disappears behind a mountain, obviously bent on


crashing. As the boys holster their weapons…

QUARK
North. Al Norte. Ever north.

JOSE
El Padre de Tina!

INT. CIA – CASEY’S OFFICE – DAY

Ollie is already seated, Casey’s desk now piled even higher


with Quark’s letters.

Casey - shooing a team of doctors - is still hooked up to


the EEG machine, whose brain wave monitor is going bazooey
as Casey rereads one of Quark’s letters. Although he’s been
heading in this direction, everything about Casey is now
the Sterling Hayden character from “Doctor Strangelove” –
General Ripper. Reading one of Quark’s letters…
CASEY
It’s obvious what he’s up to Ollie,
obvious, even without the intel you’ve
been feeding me…
87

(waves the letter)


…and the frequent references to Tina’s
nymphomania.

OLLIE
Sir?

CASEY
And you have been feeding me, haven’t
you, Ollie?

OLLIE
Yes sir. I have been… feeding you.

CASEY
Good boy, Ollie, good boy.

OLLIE
Sir… How are you feeling?

CASEY
A bit of a profound sense of fatigue,
Ollie… plus a loss of essence…
(back on track)
But now it’s obvious what he’s up to
and what we have to do about it.

OLLIE
I’m sorry sir, but what’s obvious that
he’s up to?

Casey points o.c. to his right, his brain waves going off
the scale. He sticks a cigar in his mouth.

CASEY
Look at it, Ollie! Look at The Big
Board!

Ollie looks. One wall of Casey’s office is now The Big


Board (from the War Room in Strangelove): A huge map of
North and South America with little lights indicating each
location it appeared that Quark mailed a message from;
dozens of cities and towns, stretching from the bottom of
Chile to Mexico; the last few are a straight line toward
the U.S./Mexico border. And just now another blinking light
appears, right at Tijuana.
88

CASEY
Look, Ollie, look! He’s right on the
border of the U.S. of fucking A.!

OLLIE
You said it’s obvious what he’s up to…

CASEY
He’s come to spill it.

OLLIE
Spill it, sir?

CASEY
What It All Means! We can’t have that,
Ollie!

A Kubrick-esque low angle as Casey/Ripper puffs his cigar…

CASEY
Call for the Agency jet, Ollie. I want
it fired up and on the runway.

Casey’s brain waves are now a schematic Wily Coyote chasing


Roadrunner across the monitor screen.

EXT. A DRAINAGE DITCH, TIJUANA – DUSK

Quark, Jose, High Pockets and The Old Indian squat in the
drainage ditch with a score of tattered Mexican wetbacks.

QUARK (V.O.)
Just outside Tijuana we found a group
of wetbacks waiting for nightfall to
make the bolt across the border.

As Jose rises to face the huddled wetbacks…

SUBTITLE JOSE
I’m going to give the poor peasants a
lecture on quantum theory, to put their
miserable existences in the proper
perspective.

LATER
89

Jose paces and lectures, an occasional belt of tequila. The


wetbacks huddle closer together, eyes wide in awe and fear.
Some try to sneak away but High Pockets is by Jose’s side
and discourages this with bared fangs and a menacing growl.

LATER

It’s raining. Jose has the 20 petrified wetbacks singing


“Row, Row, Row Your Boat” in heavily accented three-part
harmony. One wetback is not singing; he’s too frightened.
Jose puts his .45 to the guy’s head. He sings.

ON QUARK

singing along too. A roaring sound over the singing.

A torrent of water is coming down a drainpipe, right


towards him.

Quark is swept down the ditch and out of sight as the


wetbacks sing: “Row your boat gently down the stream…”

FADE OUT/IN

INT. LIMOSENE – DAY

Quark regains consciousness and cautiously looks around. He


obviously has no idea how he came to be in the limo.
Sitting next to him is a bikini-clad babe.

QUARK
Tina, is that you?

The babe is looking out her window: from the back, it could
be Tina… She turns. It is a teenage girl, but it’s not
Tina. She giggles.

MARCY
My name’s not Tina, it’s Marcy.

QUARK
Look, uh, Marcy, can you fill me in on
a few things? Like where I am and how I
got here? Is this another branch of
reality?

Marcy giggles. Major Valley Girl accent…


90

MARCY
Like, I don’t know, but, like, your
friend is really gnarly.

QUARK
My friend?

MARCY
Yeah, like, the dude with the awesome
hat.

Quark looks toward the front.

The limo driver is wearing a sombrero. Sitting next to him


is a big dog. They both turn and look back at Quark. It’s
Jose and High Pockets all right, a glint of light
reflecting off Jose’s gold front tooth as he grins.

Quark sighs in relief.

EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY – VARIOUS

The limo tools north, past L.A… then Santa Barbara… a sign
tells us we’re approaching San Francisco.

Meanwhile, on the limo’s TV, Wolf Blitzer sums up the


latest world catastrophes, all of which were caused by
Quark and his gang.

QUARK (V.O.)
I never found out where the limo and
Marcy came from, but we did have a
pleasant drive up the coast to San
Francisco.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET – DAY

The Limo has pulled over. Jose opens the trunk and removes
The Old Indian. Marcy waves and drives off in the limo.

Jose looks across the street at a curio shop. In the front


window is a big antique cigar store Indian.

INT. CURIO SHOP WINDOW – A MINUTE LATER


91

Jose places The Old Indian next to the cigar store Indian.
Not quite a matched set but they do look good together.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO PARK – DAY

Quark peruses the Trib. Finds the latest ad. Reads…

QUARK
“Mr. Quark: Dinner, my house, tomorrow
at 8. Informal.”
(to Jose/subtitled)
We have twenty-four hours to kill… This
might be our only chance to pay our
respects to Gary.

EXT. GARY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Quark, Jose, and High Pockets lurk across the street,


keeping an eye on Gary’s doorway.

GARY’S MAILBOX

Gary’s shaking hand hesitates, then opens the mailbox.


Empty. We hear a sigh of relief.

Black studded cowboy boots descend Gary’s stoop’s stairs.

Quark, Jose, and High Pockets watch.

ON GARY

His hair is done up with purple highlights. Eye shadow, a


black studded leather vest, pink t-shirt, leather pants, a
prancy, effeminate gait: Gary is now a flaming queen.

QUARK (V.O.)
This was not a good omen. Had our
messages from South America caused Gary
to run sexually amok? There was so much
Jose and I needed to know.

EXT. BUS STOP – FIVE MINUTES LATER

Gary waits for a bus, Quark, Jose and High Pockets next to
him, trying to be cool about examining him. Gary notices
them, misinterpreting their interest. He’s especially taken
with Jose.
92

GARY
Got a light?

Quark pats his pockets. No light.

GARY
(coy)
That’s all right. I don’t smoke.
(eyeing Jose)
You guys new in town?

Quark nods and gulps nervously; he’s still shaken up by


this unexpected development.

GARY
Come on, I’ll show you around.

EXT. CRISCO DISCO WEST – DAY

Gary leads the boys into the joint, an obviously gay bar.

QUARK (V.O.)
With his wonderfully childlike
worldview, at first Jose didn’t notice
anything was amiss.

INT. CRISCO DISCO WEST – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Gary buys Quark and Jose beers. The place is teeming with
homosexuals wearing black leather and chains. Quark leans
against the bar, nervously eyeing Jose, who is eyeing the
other patrons: the leather and chains, handcuffs affixed to
spiked belts, etc. A lot of looks are being cast toward
Jose: in his buckskin and leather, bandoliers stuffed with
bullets, and his sombrero, Jose fits right in.

A homosexual spritses himself with perfume, which causes


High Pockets to erupt in a sneezing attack. Aside…

JOSE SUBTITLE
Is everyone in San Francisco as tough
as these guys?

A chorus: “He’s Hispanic!” “Macho to the max!” “I’m going


to faint!” Etc. Jose just smiles and nods, still not having
gotten the drift.
93

QUARK (V.O.)
I was getting very uneasy. I had some
vital topics to discuss with Gary, but
I knew that as soon as Jose figured out
what was going on, there was going to
be trouble. Big trouble.

Quark turns and looks into the camera.

QUARK (speaks to us)


Major league trouble.

Quark doesn’t have to wait long: A homosexual asks Jose for


a light, which makes another homosexual jealous, which
upsets that homosexuals’ boyfriend, which sets off a
homosexual chain reaction that makes everyone in the bar
upset. Then…

Gary lays his head on Jose’s massive chest.

GARY
Take me home…

Jose’s eyes widen in understanding, and outrage. Bellows…

JOSE
MARICON!!!

Quark and High Pockets dive under a table as Jose pulls his
twin .45s and proceeds to shoot up the Crisco Disco West.

Pandemonium. Screaming homosexuals scatter as bottles and


glasses shatter, the chandelier crashes to the floor.

Quark jumps up as Jose reloads from his bandolier. Sirens


are approaching. Quark yells in Spanish that the police are
coming and they better go.

Jose looks around at the chaos and destruction he’s


wrought. He’s satisfied he’s made his point. The boys bolt.

EXT. CRISCO DISCO WEST – CONTINUOUS

Screaming, frantic homosexuals are everywhere. Surreal.


94

QUARK (V.O.)
The chaos Jose had caused was similar
to certain aspects of the subatomic
realm.

A PARTICLE ACCELERATOR

Scientists rev up spectacular subatomic particle


collisions. Electrons and quarks bounce all over computer
screens. Surreal.

QUARK (V.O.)
If you excite either a subatomic
particle or a homosexual, its movements
become more frenetic and more random.

Frenetic homosexuals are randomly bouncing all over the


place outside the Crisco Disco West.

Quark sees a bus across the street. The boys make for it.

INT. BUS – A FEW SECONDS LATER

Quark, Jose, and High Pockets board the bus. Quark notices
that Jose is limping. Looks down.

Gary is wrapped around Jose’s right leg, clutching it in a


death grip and whimpering. Jose pulls a Colt with the
obvious intention of putting Gary out of his misery, but
Quark peels Gary from Jose’s leg and flings him off the
bus. The bus driver, RAFER, reopens the doors. Rafer is a
black dude wearing a beret. Referring to High Pockets…

RAFER
No dogs.

Quark sees a sign: “No Dogs, Except Seeing Eye Dogs”.

QUARK
He’s a seeing eye dog.

Rafer
You not blind.

QUARK
(re Jose)
95

My friend is blind.

RAFER
(squints at Jose)
No he in’t. He Mesican.

Quark pulls his 9mm and puts it to Rafer’s head.

QUARK
I’m afraid I’m going to have to
commandeer this vehicle.

RAFER
Okay. Where to?

QUARK
Sausalito.

EXT. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE – DAY

Rafer tools the bus across the bridge. Jose and High
Pockets have their heads sticking out a window, smiling
contentedly, High Pockets huge tongue flapping in the wind.

Quark up front with Rafer. A traffic sign ahead tells us we


are approaching Sausalito.

RAFER
Why you goin’ Sausalito?

QUARK
It’s a long story.

RAFER
What did you dudes do?

QUARK
It’s all a misunderstanding.

RAFER
By the way, my name Rafer.

QUARK
Hi, Rafer.

EXT. SUBURBAN SAUSALITO STREET – DUSK


96

The bus pulls up and stops.

INT. BUS – CONTINUOUS

Rafer, Quark and Jose look at an apartment complex across


the street. Rafer adjusts his beret, helps himself to a
pull of tequila from Jose’s bottle.

RAFER
This is the address ya’ll gave me. Who
livin’ there?

QUARK
Tom. We have important matters to
discuss with him…
(thinking out loud)
How are we going to get Tom out of
there?

RAFER
Mo ‘killya.
(another belt of tequila)
We jus’ go on up an’ invite the dude
out. He sayin’ no, we beat ‘im up,
steal the stereo.

Quark translates the plan to Jose, who nods, “Si, si.”

QUARK
Sounds good.

EXT. TOM’S APARTMENT – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Quark, Jose, High Pockets, and Rafer outside Tom’s door.

QUARK
Everybody ready?

RAFER
Mo’ killya.

Rafer has a belt of tequila then everybody’s ready. Quark


steps forward and knocks. Steps back to join the group.

Nobody answers. Quark was not prepared for this scenario.


97

QUARK
What do we do now?

Rafer steps forward and quickly picks Tom’s lock. To Quark…

RAFER
You lookin’ tired. I do the thinkin’
fo’ a while.

QUARK
Okay.

The boys enter Tom’s.

INT. TOM’S APARTMENT – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Quark, Jose, and High Pockets on the couch watching a


cartoon on TV, stuffing their faces with improvised
sandwiches from Tom’s fridge. Rafer is inventorying Tom’s
belongings. Examining the stereo and widescreen TV…

RAFER
Good thing we gots the bus. We take
everthin’ but the shitter.
(a pull of tequila)
I find some tools, mebbe we get that
too.

Tom, wearing tennis whites, breezes in carrying golf clubs


and a tennis racket, a sweater draped around his neck. He’s
halfway to the living room before he notices that he has a
problem: He glances at the crew on the couch, keeps going
for a few steps, then freezes. Turns slowly and looks again
at the couch, seeing…

A Full Blown Bandito, his mouth full and a sloppy sandwich


in his hand; a strange-looking dog with his teeth bared and
a slice of bologna hanging from his jowl, plus a weirdo
pointing a 9mm at him. Tom looks toward the kitchen and
sees a psychotic municipal bus driver holding a meat
cleaver. He looks at them all again, then settles on Quark.

TOM
It’s you, isn’t it? The lunatic from
South America?
98

QUARK
Yes.

TOM
Oh, God.

QUARK
Sit down, Tom.

TOM
Yes sir.

Tom sits on a dining room chair. Quark and Jose join him.

QUARK
(gently)
We have some things to over, don’t we,
Tom?

TOM
I… I… uh… I don’t… uh… know…

Jose pulls a Colt and puts it to Tom’s head.

TOM
(quickly)
Where do we start?

QUARK
Let’s start with Tina, okay?

THE INTERROGATION

Time passes, night falling, as Quark paces, grilling Tom.


Jose positions a bare light bulb over Tom’s head; Tom
blinks, disoriented and fearful. Rising is the lead-in to
the Talking Heads’ “Once in a Lifetime.”

QUARK (V.O.)
Tom cracked after four hours of
intensive interrogation.

Tom is now shaking violently, sweating profusely and moan-


ing. Jose helps him from the dining room to the bedroom.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


99

Tom was in such bad shape that Jose


took him to the bedroom to lie down for
a while. He quickly slipped into a deep
existential coma, however, and was
unavailable for questioning for the
rest of the night.

TOM’S BEDROOM

Tom is unconscious on his bed, mouth slack, the whites of


his eyes visible under hooded lids.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


Tom was a successful advertising
executive in his early thirties.

Tom driving his Porsche to work, “Once in a Lifetime” on


the car stereo. The music continues as…

Tom gives an account presentation for a laxative company’s


campaign. His yuppie associates applaud, his boss pleased.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


He was a member of the local country
club and shot a round of golf in the
low 80s.

Tom on the links, whacking a good drive off the tee… then
playing tennis, winning the set and shaking hands with his
opponent. In Tom’s world, all is how it should be.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


He met Tina at a country club function
and banged her that night in a sand
trap.

Tom and Tina meet at the country club bar… screw on the
golf course. (“Once in a Lifetime” continuing.)

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


The next day Tina left with her parents
on their South America vacation. Tom
never saw her again and hardly
remembered her at all.

Tom, under interrogation in the dining room, pleads his


innocence. Quark and Jose exchange significant looks.
100

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


Tom was an unwitting clown in the chaos
of our subatomic circus. By all
rational logic he didn’t deserve his
bizarre circumstances. Tina had been a
casual affair on the 12th hole fairway
bunker, nothing more. For this flippant
tryst, however, Tom paid dearly. He had
been forced to cough up his worldview.

In the bedroom, Jose mops Tom’s feverish brow with Tina’s


crimson panties.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


Tom claimed that after reading my first
message he’d thrown away the rest…

Tom dumping Quark’s envelopes into a garbage bag with the


junk mail. (“Once in a Lifetime” continuing.)

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


…but I believe he’s repressing painful
memories. I believe he read all my
messages, possibly memorized them…

Tom retrieves the garbage bag from a dumpster… on his


couch, he pours over Quark’s messages, quaking… He slumps,
covers his face with his hands. (Song lyric at this point:
“My God, what have I done!!!”)

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


… then denied their existence when
their cumulative effect showed Tom the
utter pointlessness of his life…

Tom making a bonfire with Quark’s messages.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


But when confronted by the harsh
reality of me and my gang…

Quick images of Quark, Jose, Rafer, and High Pockets.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


…it all came back in one nightmarish
rush, hence the coma.
101

ON TOM, COMATOSE IN HIS BEDROOM

Quark and Jose attend to him. They hear Rafer yell “Weeee-
wooow” from the living room. They beat cheeks out there,
guns drawn, ready for trouble. (“Once in a Lifetime” ends)

INT. LIVING ROOM – A FEW SECONDS LATER

The boys watching CNN: A live report from outside Tom’s


apartment. Reporters, local police, and Feds swarm around
the bus.

Quark peeks out Tom’s curtained front window.

WHAT QUARK SEES

Yep, they’re all out there in real life too.

A photo of Rafer comes on the TV. Seeing himself, Rafer


lets fly another “Weeee-wooow.”

CNN REPORTER (from TV)


The bus driver, Rafer Johnson, is
presumed dead. According to Federal
authorities, these vicious terrorists
always kill their hostages.

Rafer gulps, looks inquiringly at Quark, who reassuringly


mouths “Nah.” An elderly black lady is on the TV crying.

RAFER
Mama!

The TV shows a Fed wearing rubber gloves putting a box of


Milk Bone Flavor Snacks For Large Dogs and an empty bottle
of tequila into an evidence bag.

CNN REPORTER (from TV)


The terrorists have been identified by
clues left in the bus.

Mug shots of Quark, Jose, and High Pockets come on. Jose
says “Ahhhh.”

EXT. SAUSALITO STREET – DAWN


102

The sun rises as the Feds tow away the bus and clear out.

INT. TOM’S APARTMENT – MORNING

A conference in the living room, tequila all around.


Everyone looks expectantly at Quark, who just sits there
looking uneasy; he’s squirmy. He giggles.

QUARK
Okay. We have the day to kill before
dinner with Tina’s father. What’s the
plan?

EXT. PARKING LOT - MORNING

Rafer hot wires a big Mercedes sedan then roars up to Tom’s


apartment building.

INT. TOM’S BEDROOM – SAME TIME

Jose wipes Tom’s feverish brow with Tina’s panties as Quark


tapes a handwritten note to Tom’s forehead.

SUBTITLE QUARK
We’ll call the paramedics as soon as
we’re out of the neighborhood.

JOSE
Si, si.

Jose wrings the sweat from Tina’s panties, then he and


Quark bolt, leaving Tom alone in his coma. We close in on
the note taped to Tom’s forehead…

QUARK (V.O.)
I explained that what Tom needed was
not medical or psychiatric care but
rather a down to earth subatomic
physicist who could give him some
insight into the underlying nature of
reality, thereby putting Tom’s problems
in the proper perspective.

EXT. UNIVERSTIY OF CALIFONIA AT BERKLEY - DAY


103

Quark, Jose, Rafer, and High Pockets sit in the Mercedes as


students and faculty going about their business. They are
parked in front of the UCB Physics Department building.

QUARK
Tina’s father is in there right now…
giving a lecture on quantum physics.

Quark squirms, giggles. Looks into the camera.

QUARK (V.O.)
I’d begun to see subatomic particles.

Out the window, Quark watches a foxy coed go by. An


electron appears, circles her at near light speed and zips
off into the cosmos, leaving a little purple trail.

Another electron – or is it a quark? – slices through the


car roof and passes through Quark’s body. Quark giggles.

QUARK (V.O.)
The ones that passed through my body
made me tingle and giggle and squirm.

Quark looks at Jose. A subatomic particle passes through


Jose’s head like a bullet, but Jose doesn’t notice.

INT. UCB LECTURE HALL – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Quark, Jose, Rafer, and High Pockets surreptitiously enter


the big amphitheater. It’s dark and they are able to slip
unnoticed into back row seats. High Pockets stretches out
in the aisle and dozes off.

Jose sits low, pulls his sombrero down over his eyes.
Nudges Quark, whispers.

SUBTITLE JOSE
I am afraid Tina’s Father will
recognize me from the mugging.

But Quark’s mind is elsewhere: He looks down at the podium.


This is a monumental moment for him. It’s his first look at

TINA’S FATHER
104

We too get our first real look at him. (A note on casting:


Be great if we could get a major star in a cameo. Harrison
Ford would be perfect, for all sorts of reasons, including
the Indiana Jones allusions.) Everything about Tina’s
Father exudes insight and wisdom. The lighting is
theatrical; the camera angles accentuate Tina’s Father as a
mythic persona. His lecture delivery is fraught with
passion and profundity. His students worship him.

TINA’S FATHER
…the implication being that the
worldview of quantum physics is one of…
what? What is the implication?

Much pondering but no one answers. Tina’s Father goes to


the blackboard, which is covered with equations, diagrams
and quotes. Tina’s Father’s students are rapt. One female
has an obvious crush on him. As he glances in her direction
she closes her eyes: “Wanna quark?” is written on her
eyelids. (A Raiders of the Lost Ark reference. One of
Indie’s students had “Love you” on her eyelids.) With a
flourish Tina’s father underlines a quote: “chaos beneath
order.” Tina’s Father double-underlines “chaos.”

ON QUARK AND COMPANY

Rafer, wide-eyed, gulps audibly. Jose mumbles “Aiii-


carumba…” Quark is mesmerized. To himself…

QUARK
The man… knows.

TINA’S FATHER
And what do we mean by chaos?

Much pondering from the students but no one answers. Quark


knowingly nudges Jose, who nods.

Tina’s Father paces. He goes to the blackboard and


underlines “Chaos” again. Gesturing with his pipe…

TINA’S FATHER
I’ll rephrase… What is our measurement
of chaos?

In the back, Quark nudges Jose again.


105

Tina’s Father goes to the board and writes “Disorder.” Then


“Entropy.” Underlines both. Double underlines “Entropy.”

TINA’S FATHER
Entropy.

He faces his rapt students, scans their eager young faces.


A “student” we’ll see again is watching him intently.

TINA’S FATHER
What can we count on from entropy? From
chaos, disorder?

FEMALE STUDENT
(calls out)
It always increases with time.

Quark and Jose nod. This stuff is old hat for them.

TINA’S FATHER
Yes!
(eyes intent/passionate)
Entropy… always… increases… with… time.
(pregnant pause)
Chaos… disorder… entropy…

Up in the back, Rafer gulps again. Jose crosses himself;


Quark is breathless. High Pockets twitches and woofs
quietly in his sleep, a doggy dream.

TINA’S FATHER
But what of… causation? On the
subatomic level, what of causation?

Tina’s Father springs to the blackboard, underlines an


equation, then underlines “Uncertainty principle.”

TINA’S FATHER
Choas beneath order, entropy… the
uncertainty principle… the conundrum of
Schrodinger’s Cat… the Many Worlds
Interpretation of quantum…

Quark loses control of himself at the mention of the Many


Worlds Interpretation: a short feral cry leaks out of his
mouth. Several students turn to look at him. Quark covers
106

his mouth, horrified that he’s attracted attention. He,


Jose, and Rafer slide down a bit in their seats.

THE “STUDENT” WE SAW BEFORE

down a few rows is staring at the boys. He has a radio plug


in one ear. He whispers into a microphone concealed under
his shirt. He’s also got a gun under there.

Tina’s Father stalks around the dais. Puts his pipe in his
mouth and goes to the blackboard and underlines the words
“Everything we call real is made of things that cannot be
regarded as real.”

TINA’S FATHER
What did Niels Bohr, one of the
founding fathers of quantum physics,
mean here?
(no response)
Reality is… what? What? Nonsubstantial.
(wistful)
…Life is… but a dream…

High Pockets wakes up from his doggy dream and starts


sneezing, rapid fire and very loud; his worst attack yet.
Everyone turns and looks. Tina’s Father squints up toward
the back, shading his eyes from the lights.

Quark throws himself over Rafer’s legs, grabs High Pockets


by his collar and covers his nose…

QUARK
Shit…

High Pockets continues sneezing but not much comes out


since Quark has plugged up his sneezing orifice. This
triggers a doggy adrenaline reaction: High Pockets, in
order to free up his nose, drags Quark down the amphi-
theatre stairs toward the dais. Quark loses balance, frees
his hand from High Pockets’ collar and commence to
somersault down the stairs towards Tina’s Father.

QUARK’S POV

The world spinning as he somersaults. Sirens are wailing,


people screaming, High Pockets sneezing, the federal spook
107

saying, “Freeze, federal agent!”, Jose yelling something in


Spanish. The lights go out as Quark loses consciousness.

INT. MERCEDES - DAY

Quark regains consciousness in the back seat. Rafer is at


the wheel, Jose at shotgun. They’re going 100 mph and
sirens are wailing. High Pockets, still sneezing, is by
Quark’s side.

About 10 cars are chasing them: local cops and feds.

A WILD CHASE

All over Berkley and the surrounding environs, including


over the Golden Gate Bridge and on to San Francisco and
back again. It goes on and on, more cars joining the chase.

Rafer is perhaps the craziest driver we’ve ever seen in any


movie, ever. (Right: easy to say.)

INTERCUT THE CHASE WITH A PARTICLE ACCELERATOR

As the Mercedes careens randomly around the streets


(entropy increasing wherever it goes), electrons accelerate
around a mile-long circular tube and spectacularly collide,
forming colorful bursts.

Quark watches the world whiz by, subatomic particles


zipping through the space-time continuum all around him.

Now there are dozens of cars chasing them, representatives


of every federal or state or local agency we’ve ever heard
of: The CIA, NSA, DEA, EPA, NASA, the PTA, the dog catcher;
you name the agency or group and it wants our boys.

The chase goes on to the point where now the sun is


starting to set and for the third or fourth time the
Mercedes crosses the Golden Gate bridge, heading south now,
back towards San Francisco.

EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET – SUNDOWN

The Mercedes four wheel drifts to a stop in front of the


curio shop where Jose left The Old Indian. Jose sprints out
of the car, into the shop, grabs The Old Indian from the
window (next to the cigar store Indian), carries him to the
108

Mercedes and puts him back in the trunk. The Mercedes roars
off, followed by the long line of law enforcement pursuers.

Back on the Golden Gate Bridge, now headed north, 50 or so


vehicles in pursuit. They speed off the freeway onto the
Sausalito exit.

Roar down various suburban streets (a maze effect).

EXT. TINA’S FAMILY’S HOUSE – DUSK

The Mercedes barrels into Tina’s Father’s driveway and runs


over a white Persian cat asleep on the pavement.

INT. MERCEDES – CONTINUOUS

Everyone winces as they hear the THUMP of the cat under the
car, which is a total wreck from its many chase-collisions.

The seemingly endless line of pursuers roars past Tina’s


Father’s house, not having seen the Mercedes, which is
hidden by a high hedge. All at once, the Mercedes collapses
in a heap, car parts clanking to the ground; entropy has
won out.

The boys sit there for a moment staring at Tina’s Father’s


house, the hiss of steam from the leaking radiator the only
sound. Rafer and High Pockets sniff the air.

RAFER
I smell steaks cookin’. Must be a
barbecue they throwin’ fo’ us.

High Pockets whines. Saliva flows. A last sneeze. Quark


watches subatomic particles zipping through the continuum.

EXT. FRONT PORCH – A FEW MINUTES LATER

Quark, Jose, Rafer, High Pockets, plus The Old Indian are
lined up on the front porch in front of the door. Quark is
nervous. He has a belt of tequila and passes it to Jose,
who has a belt, says, “Ahhh” and passes it to Rafer. Rafer
mumbles “Mo ‘killya” then calls out, slurring badly…

RAFER
Open de goddamn door! We hungry!
109

Quark goes “Ssshhh!” Jose agreeing; he too is nervous…


Quark steps forward and rings the doorbell. Steps back to
his place in the group. They wait… Then the door opens.

TINA’S FATHER

squints out at them, his pipe in his mouth. Adjusts his


horn rim glasses. The pipe droops in his mouth as Tina’s
Father is taken completely aback at the sight of the
bizarre lineup of Truth Seekers standing on his porch.

Quark stares at Tina’s Father in shock:

Electrons are circling Tina’s Father’s head at near the


speed of light. The effect is that Tina’s Father’s head is
the nucleus of a very large atom.

For a long moment Tina’s Father stares. The boys stare


back, waiting expectantly. Then Tina’s Father speaks.

TINA’S FATHER
Can I help you?

As the mutual staring continues…

QUARK (V.O.)
I searched Tina’s Father’s words for
their underlying meaning, but couldn’t
come up with anything.

Tina’s Father is so dumbfounded by the sight of the crew


that he’s frozen in place; the electrons continue to circle
his head. Then his drooping pipe falls to the ground.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


Eventually it occurred to me that there
was no underlying meaning. Tina’s
Father was just being polite. He was
being civil.

And still the stare down continues. Tina’s Father is


starting to vibrate. The tension mounts.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


Tina’s Father was staring at a severely
angst-ridden guy and all he could come
up with was “Can I help you?”
110

A beat more staring, then…

QUARK
FUCKING-A RIGHT YOU CAN!!!!!

Tina’s Father slams and bolts the door.

JOSE
AIIIII-EEEEEE-AHHHH!!!!

Jose goes through the door like an X-ray through


molybdenum. The bolt disintegrates and one hinge flies off.
The boys enter the house.

INT. HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

In the living room, Tina and Tina’s Mother stand there


together. When Tina’s Mother sees Jose her hair stands on
end. She faints, collapsing onto the couch in a heap.

Tina, seeing Quark, picks up a large glass ashtray and in a


fury flings it at him, barely missing his head. As she
picks up a lamp and starts to throw it…

SLOW MOTION

Tina throws the lamp.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


Tina somehow sensed that I had been
responsible for exposing her
nymphomaniacal worldview.

INT. CRISCO DISCO WEST, PACKED WITH HOMOSEXUALS – NIGHT

Gary on the bar phone; he’s roaring drunk. Split screen of


Tina’s Father on the phone in his house listening to Gary.
He looks sternly at Tina, nearby.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


Tina had been grounded and her condoms
confiscated when Gary called one night
from the Crisco Disco West and spilled
the sexual beans.

BACK TO SCENE – NORMAL MOTION


111

Tina flings the lamp, misses, then snatches something else


with violent intentions. Rafer grabs and subdues her. Ties
her to a chair and gags her.

QUARK (CONT. V.O.)


Tina was crazed with pent up sexual
frustration…

As Rafer gags her, Tina is staring at her stolen mega-


vibrator, clutched in the old Indian’s hand nearby…

QUARK (V.O.)
Tina’s little friend was a discontinued
model, banned by the E.P.A., and
irreplaceable. She missed it terribly.

Tina stares lustfully at her lost toy, which flashes


briefly, in pink.

RAFER
I hungry. Where the food?

Tina’s Father is too petrified to speak. He points toward


the kitchen. Rafer and High Pockets head that way together.

Quark sits down at the dining room table. Jose guides


Tina’s Father to a seat at the table, a .45 to his head.
Quark tries to ignore the subatomic particles circling
Tina’s Father’s head like busy little subatomic bees.

QUARK
I am Mister Quark.

TINA’S FATHER
I have money.

QUARK
(patiently)
I am Mister Quark. My associates and I
are here at your invitation.

TINA’S FATHER
There must be… must be some mistake.

Quark extracts a wad of paper scraps from his pocket and


lays them out: the classified ads to “Mr. Quark.” Quark
112

notices something else: electrons are now circling Jose’s


head as well as Tina’s Father’s. An electron jumps from
Tina’s Fathers head to Jose’s. Re: the classified ads…

TINA’S FATHER
I don’t know anything about these.
(an epiphany)
Wait a minute! Are you the lunatic from
South America?
(blanches in fear)
I mean the person from South America?

QUARK
Yes. Yes, I am.

TINA’S FATHER
I instructed the post office to stop
delivering mail with South American
stamps. They were upsetting my wife.

Everyone looks at Tina’s Mother, hair on end and slumped


unconscious on the couch. Rafer and High Pockets come in
from the kitchen, both with steak bones in their mouths.

RAFER
Killya. Mo ‘killya.

As Rafer has a pull…

TINA’S FATHER
Oh, God, please don’t kill me.

QUARK
If Tina’s Father didn’t lure us here
with those ads, who did?

A possible answer comes in the form of a wild pounding on


the front door.

Jose cocks his piece.

High Pockets growls through the steak bone in his mouth.

Rafer gulps audibly.

Tina’s Father whimpers.


113

Quark is struck by a volley of subatomic particles.

Tina’s vibrator flashes pink.

The front door bursts open, falls off its remaining hinge
and crashes to the floor. Jim, Robert, Flash, and Aileron
stagger in. They are fucked up. For some reason, Robert is
wearing a tuxedo. It’s hard to tell what Jim and Flash are
wearing because of the stains and holes in their clothes.

High Pockets and Aileron have another joyous doggy reunion.

Jose rushes over to the boys, yelling “AAIIII-EEEE-AHH!”

Rafer wheezes, “Mo killya…”

Tina’s Father whimpers.

Tina’s Mother briefly regains consciousness, gets a look at


her new guests, then returns to la-la land.

Tina stares lustfully at her vibrator.

Quark stares at Tina’s Father, completely disillusioned


with the man; the electrons circling his head poof out.
Jim, with a bottle of Dom, sits down with Quark and Tina’s
Father. Has a pull of bubbly.

JIM
You guys ain’t easy to keep track of.

QUARK
Mexico. That was you guys that saved us
from the firing squad.

JIM
Our rescue mission was aborted when you
and Jose shot us down.
(a pull of Dom)
We couldn’t let you and Jose go off the
deep end like that. You guys are our
brothers.

QUARK
(re the ads on the table)
So it was you guys who lured us here
with the ads in the Trib. To find us.
114

JIM
What ads in the Trib?

Jim has a pull of Dom and glances at Tina’s Father, who is


not looking as full of profundity as when he was lecturing
on quantum theory and entropy. He just looks petrified.

JIM
This is the dude who was gonna fill you
in on What the fuck It All Means?
(shakes his head)
We’re gonna have to straighten you guys
out, me and Robert.

Robert has whipped out three grenades and is doing his


juggling routine. Jose staggers over, falls onto the dining
room table and passes out, drooling.

JIM
At least Jose’s coming to his senses.
You’re next.

QUARK
But if Tina’s Father didn’t write those
ads… and you didn’t… Who did?

CASEY’S VOICE
Feed me intel, Ollie! Feed me!

Everyone looks toward the front foyer.

OLLIE NORTH AND CIA DIRECTOR CASEY

have entered, Casey in a wheelchair. Ollie wheels him into


the living room. Casey is now completely off his rocker. He
stares intently at something for a long moment…

CASEY
It’s… you.

He’s staring at High Pockets, who’s looking back at him,


head cocked in curiosity, tongue hanging out foolishly.

Ollie leans down and whispers something to Casey, who nods


gravely then looks over at Quark.
115

CASEY
It’s… you!

LIVING ROOM MASTER SHOT

All our characters except Quark and Tina’s Father (who are
at the dining table) are lined up behind Casey in his
wheelchair (an homage to the last scene in Doctor
Strangelove) – Jose, High Pockets, Jim, Robert, Rafer,
Flash, Aileron, The Old Indian, and Ollie, plus Tina and
Tina’s mother, unconscious on the couch; quite a group. As
with Peter Seller’s Doctor Strangelove, Casey has trouble
controlling his hands. Although he doesn’t affect a German
accent, his voice has that same demented ring. Casey’s
right hand is creeping up to his throat.

CASEY
…We must not rule out the preservation…
of a nucleus of the human race…

Casey’s right hand is around his neck, cutting him off.


Struggling with his own hands…

CASEY
…a nucleus of humans who are not too…
anguished by the knowledge of What It
All Means… to go on living…

Casey’s wheelchair spins halfway around, disorienting him.

QUARK
Alright-

CASEY
(choking himself)
-the knowledge of What It All Means
would not penetrate our deepest mine
shafts-

QUARK
-Enough of-

Casey’s right hand is now acting on its own. A Nazi salute…

CASEY
-Mine Fuhrer, a ratio of ten females
for every male!-
116

QUARK
Alright! Enough! We get the reference!

CASEY
Yes… yes…

QUARK
So it was you who wrote the ads that
lured us here.

CASEY
No, not me, mine fuhrer!

OLLIE
Not me. Not the White House.

QUARK
Who then?

Merlin Parkins, clad in his khakis, snake-proof boots and


bush hat, barges in with a mini-cam guy grinding away.
Parkins excitedly motions for his cameraman to get footage
of Jose. He whips out his microphone and in a hushed tone…

MERLIN PARKINS
We’ve tracked this specimen across the
hemisphere to film his migration-

QUARK
-Hey!

MERLIN PARKINS
-Don’t disturb the speci-

QUARK
-Did you lure us here with those ads in
the Trib?

MERLIN PARKINS
What ads in the Trib?

QUARK
Wait a minute. If Tina’s father didn’t
write those ads…
(re Jim and Robert)
And you guys didn’t…
117

(re Casey and Ollie)


And the feds didn’t…
(re Parkins)
And you didn’t… Who did?

FEMALE VOICE
I did it. I lured you here.

Everyone turns to look.

Tina’s sister Ruth emerges from shadows. Approaches Jose.

EVERYONE IN THE ROOM


Ruth?!

As Ruth approaches Jose, she takes off her glasses and her
frumpy house coat – a sexy, revealing outfit underneath -
and we now see that with a little makeup (etc) and a
different attitude, Ruth is quite the wanton fox.

THE MUGGING

In super slo mo, Ruth looks at Jose, pure lust in her eyes.

BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM

Quark looks into the camera. An epiphany…

QUARK
Of course. It was Ruth who was at the
bottom of all this.

Ruth is now in front of Jose, giving him a look that makes


his Bandito blood boil. As he grins, his gold front tooth
glints; a quick The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly whistle.

Merlin Parkins excitedly directs his cameraman to capture


this moment. Into his microphone, hushed…

MERLIN PARKINS
This is only known footage of a Full
Blown Bandito engaging in his pre-
mating behavior…

Robert comes out of the kitchen with a plate of food,


cradling two hand grenades and a bottle of tequila. He
looks down at the two grenades.
118

ROBERT
Didn’t I have three a minute ago?

The intensity of Tina’s stare at her beloved vibrator is so


intense that…

The vibrator spontaneously fires up, undulating and


grinding and flashing pink and blaring “Girl’s just wanna
have fun!”

The Old Indian’s eyes blink; he has awakened. His eyes move
in their sockets to the undulating vibrator in his hand.

THE OLD INDIAN


The Great Spirit wags.

CASEY
(staring at the vibrator)
The Doomsday Device!

Robert looks toward the kitchen, trying to remember where


he left the third hand grenade…

BABOOOM!

EXT. TINA’S FAMILY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

In a gradual chain reaction, the house collapses into a


heap. “Girls just wanna have fun” continues, faintly.

FADE OUT/IN

EXT. - SOUTH AMERICAN COAST – AERIAL POV - DAY

We come in very fast and very low off the sea, roar over a
pristine beach and head inland, clipping treetops, banking
this way and that. Music: South American Folk/Mariachi.

Up ahead is a pasture with livestock grazing… Descending,


clipping more trees, we’re roller-coastering to a very
sloppy landing, cows, pigs and chickens scattering…

A mound of manure ahead, rushing toward us… and we run


headlong into it, stopping short, our POV spinning and
coming to rest, our view of the world upside down now.

EXT. PASTURE – DAY


119

An old Lockheed Lodestar lies there upside down, its nose


buried in the manure pile, engines smoking, manure dust
gradually clearing. The door opens.

Quark, Jose, Robert, Jim, Rafer, High Pockets, and The Old
Indian (now fully mobile) emerge from the plane, none the
worse for wear. In fact, they’re comportment is that of
tourists arriving at a vacation destination. Then our pilot
and co-pilot – who else? – Flash and Aileron come out.

Jose’s Bandito gang gathers, hooting and firing their


pistols in the air in welcome.

EXT. BANDITO PUEBLO - DUSK

A colorful street fiesta in honor of the boys’ return.


Mariachi-style folk music continues.

INT. BANDITO SALOON – NIGHT

Enrique’s Astoria del Waldorfo is packed with partying


Banditos and Banditrixes. Tequila guzzling, hoots, an
occasional pistol shot through the roof.

QUARK (V.O.)
Things are more or less back to
abnormal.

Robert juggles hand grenades while Jim pops the cork on a


magnum of Dom. Jose, roaring drunk, is chasing one of his
men around the pool table, brandishing a broken cue stick.

EXT. DRIVE IN – LATE DUSK

The Lodestar roars over the drive-in, which is playing


Monty Python’s Meaning of Life. The plane continues on.

QUARK (V.O.)
Flash and Aileron made several
miraculously successful runs for us,
somehow managing to find the drop zone.

EXT. TINA’S FAMILY’S HOUSE – DAY

A bulldozer cleans up the collapsed, shattered remains of


Tina’s family’s house.
120

QUARK (V.O.)
I sent a substantial amount of money to
Tina’s father to cover the cost of
rebuilding the family’s house…

Later, as a new house goes up…

QUARK (V.O)
…and to pay for psychiatric care for
Tina’s mother.

INT. MENTAL HOSPITAL – DAY

Tina’s Mother sitting up in bed, glassy-eyed – she’s


heavily sedated – Tina’s Father by her side, holding her
limp hand, a young doctor attending. Tina and Ruth are
there, Tina staring lasciviously at the doctor.

QUARK (V.O)
Tina’s mother occupies a room that
adjoins Tom’s in a private mental
hospital in Marin County. I know this
because I am footing Tom’s bill also.

EXT. MENTAL HOSPITAL – DAY

Tom inside, staring out at us through a window, his


expression quietly yet thoroughly demented. (An allusion to
the last shot in Sling Blade.)

EXT. ENRIQUE’S ASTORIA DEL WALDORFO – DAY

Quark relaxes out front of the saloon, perusing the


classified section of the Trib.

INT. CRISCO DISCO WEST – NIGHT

Gary, surrounded by homosexuals, is drunk at the bar.

QUARK (V.O.)
Since Gary never found out that Jose
and I were responsible for his fall to
faggotry, I dropped him a note explain-
ing everything and apologizing for any
inconvenience I may have caused him. I
told him that if there ever were any
121

psychiatric or medical repercussions of


my visit to San Francisco he should
inform me via an ad in the Inter-
national Trib addressed to “Mr. Quark”
and I would cover the bills.

Gary, at the bar, squints at Quark’s note “explaining


everything.”

CLOSE ON A TRIB CLASSIFIED AD

Here’s the way the ad addressed to “Mr. Quark” reads:


All Jose
And no play
Make Gary
A dull boy.

Pull back slowly to reveal that the ad is repeated in the


next box… and the next… and the next…

…the whole page of the Trib is blocks of Gary’s tribute to


Jose. Quark glances at the rest of the classified section;
all the same. He sighs.

INT. ENRIQUE’S ASTORIA DEL WALDORFO – NIGHT

Enrique installs a new TV over the bar. The place is packed


with Banditos and our boys: the TV is turned on.

The Iran-contra hearings. Ollie North is being grilled by


Senator Jack Brooks. (Real footage, CGI-ed for our
purposes.) Brooks is holding a blowup of the mug shot of
High Pockets.

OLLIE (from TV)


No sir. To my recollection, I have
never seen that dog before.

Enrique changes the channel. Ronald Reagan giving his


famous denial-of-Iran Contra speech, now saying…

Reagan (from TV)


No, I had no knowledge of the diversion
of funds, and no, I have no knowledge
of What It All Means.

Enrique changes the channel to a cartoon.


122

FADEOUT/IN

AN ADVANCED PARTICLE ACCELERATOR

A five mile acceleration ring surrounding a complex of


scientific labs and support buildings. The voice over is
that of the newsreel Narrator from the opening sequence.

NARRATOR
Two decades later, at the dawn of the
21st century, experiments at an advanced
particle accelerator proved that the
Many Worlds Interpretation of quantum
physics is in fact correct.

Ultra spectacular subatomic particle collisions are


analyzed by an international team of scientists.

NARRATOR
There are infinite branches of reality
with infinite counterparts of us living
different versions of our lives.

In a control room with many computer monitors, we close in


on one monitor, enter its world, which gradually comes into
focus: a world wherein we see Tina’s family arrive at the
Holiday Inn in South America, rather than getting cut
adrift in the barrio where they got mugged.

NARRATOR
In one such branch of reality Jose did
not mug Tina’s family.

In this alternative branch of reality, Jose comes out of


the supermarket with the Milk Bone Flavor Snacks For Large
Dogs and does not run into Tina’s family.

NARRATOR
The repercussions of this difference
were drastic and far-reaching.

EXT. MOVIE SET - DAY

Angelina Jolie is standing on a hilltop near a lone oak


tree, a camera crew nearby. Storm clouds gather.
123

NARRATOR
Years later, due to a chain of complex
coincidences beginning with the
mugging, in this branch of reality Miss
Jolie was struck by lightning on a
movie set.

A bolt of lightning hits the oak tree, an offshoot of it


striking the actress, who falls to the ground.

NARRATOR
Whereas in the branch of reality
wherein Jose did not mug Tina’s family,
Miss Jolie was not struck.

In the alternative branch of reality, Angelina is standing


a few yards farther from the tree. The secondary lightning
bolt misses her.

CLOSE ON ANGELINA JOLIE

On the ground after being struck by lightning, she regains


consciousness. The first person she sees is the Fat Ugly
Redneck from the opening. Angelina is overcome with lust at
the sight of him. (The theme to “Entertainment Tonight.”)

Angelina and the Fat Ugly Redneck wave to fans as they


attend the premiere of Angelina’s new movie. (The same
footage we saw in the opening.)

Brad Pitt is interviewed. He weeps, inconsolable.

NARRATOR
The mugging of Tina’s family had an
unaccountable number of ramifications…

THE PARTICLE ACCELERATOR

Scientists observe as we enter another branch of reality


within a computer monitor: A 1980s model car is pulled over
by a State Trooper on a rural Texas highway.

The Trooper approaches the car. The unseen driver hands him
a driver’s license (we only see that the driver is wearing
a loud red shirt). A vial of cocaine falls out of the car
and onto the pavement.
124

A JAIL CELL

The driver of the car (loud red shirt) sits with his head
in his hands.

NARRATOR
In the branch of reality without the
mugging, this two-bit drug user was
able to bribe his way out of trouble
using family connections.

The driver of the car looks up. It’s George W. Bush (from
the 1980s).

NARRATOR
In the alternative branch with the
mugging, the bribable judge went
fishing on the day of the court
appearance and the two-bit drug user
got five years in the Texas state
penitentiary.

On the adjoining bunk in George’s cell is a very large,


very vicious, very gay black inmate, regarding George with
pure lust. The lead-in to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”
rises.

George looks helplessly into the camera.

FADE OUT

Credits roll as Cyndi Lauper belts out her tune in full


volume.

NOTE: At the end of the actor’s credits we might put this:

“In the making of this film, Lt. Col. Oliver North (ret.)
did not give permission for the use of his digitally
manipulated likeness. Since he is a public figure there was
nothing he could do about it. Col. North’s reaction to a
private screening of the film was, “I am not amused.” Words
to that effect.
125

A suggestion to the members of the Academy of Motion


Picture Arts and Sciences: Col. North’s response to a Best
Supporting Actor nomination might be interesting. Just a
thought.”