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PARENTING STYLES
There are many ideas about how to rear children. Some parents adopt
Parenting Tips-03 the ideas their own parents used. Others get advice from friends. Some
read books about parenting. Others take classes offered in the commu-
nity. No one has all the answers.
Ideas about child rearing can be grouped into styles. These are different
ways of deciding who is responsible for what in a family.
One of the best known theories of parenting style was developed by Di-
ana Baumrind. In her research she identified three main parenting
styles in early child development: authoritative, authoritarian, permis-
sive and neglectful. (Baumrind, D. 1966. Child Development, 37(4), 887-907).
Along with the above three styles we prefer to add another style and
these four styles are described below:

Authoritarian Parenting
Always try to be in control and exert their control on the children.
These parents set strict rules to try to keep order, and they usually do this without much
expression of warmth and affection. They attempt to set strict standards of conduct and
are usually very critical of children for not meeting those standards. They tell children
what to do, they try to make them obey and they usually do not provide children with
choices or options.
Authoritarian parents don't explain why they want their children to do things. If a child
questions a rule or command, the parent might answer, "Because I said so." Parents tend
to focus on bad behaviour, rather than positive behaviour, and children are scolded or
punished, often harshly, for not following the rules.
Children with authoritarian parents usually do not learn to think for themselves and un-
derstand why the parent is requiring certain behaviours.

Permissive Parenting
Permissive parents give up most control to their children. Parents make few, if any, rules,
and the rules that they make are usually not consistently enforced. They don't want to be
tied down to routines. They want their children to feel free. They do not set clear bounda-
ries or expectations for their children's behaviour and tend to accept in a warm and loving
way, however the child behaves.
Permissive parents give children as many choices as possible, even when the child is not
capable of making good choices. They tend to accept a child's behaviour, good or bad,
and make no comment about whether it is beneficial or not. They may feel unable to
change misbehaviour, or they choose not to get involved.

Democratic Or Authoritative Parenting

Democratic parents help children learn to be responsible for themselves and to think
about the consequences of their behaviour. Parents do this by providing clear, reasonable
expectations for their children and explanations for why they expect their children to be-
have in a particular manner. They monitor their children's behaviour to make sure that
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they follow through on rules and expectations. They do this in a warm and loving manner.
They often, "try to catch their children being good" and reinforcing the good behaviour,
rather than focusing on the bad.
For example, a child who leaves her toys on a staircase may be told not to do this be-
cause, "Someone could trip on them and get hurt and the toy might be damaged." As
children mature, parents involve children in making rules and doing chores: "Who will
mop the kitchen floor, and who will carry out the trash?"
Parents who have a democratic style give choices based on a child's ability. For a toddler,
the choice may be "red shirt or striped shirt?" For an older child, the choice might be
"apple, orange or banana?" Parents guide children's behaviour by teaching, not punish-
ing. "You threw your truck at Mindy. That hurt her. We're putting your truck away until
you can play with it safely."
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And once again there is always a neglectful style.

Although not mentioned above Neglectful Parenting obviously has negative effect in
childhood development.

Neglectful Parenting
Neglectful parenting, also known as nonconformist parenting, is similar to permissive par-
enting, but the neglectful or rejecting parents do not care much about the child. The par-
ents are low in warmth and control, are generally not involved in their child's life, are dis-
engaged, undemanding, low in responsiveness, and do not set limits. Parents are unsup-
portive of their children, but will still provide basic needs for the child. Neglectful parents
 are focused on their own needs more than the needs of their own child. As infants, chil-
dren have a disturbed attachment with parents, characterized by confusion because the
www.MuslimVille.com infant does not have a consistent way of coping with the neglect. Children often display
contradictory behaviour, and are emotionally withdrawn from social situations. This dis-
Parenting Tips-03 turbed attachment also impacts relationships later on in life. Children of neglectful par-
enting exhibit antisocial behaviour as a teenager towards friends and family. They often
experience depression and social withdrawal, and are more likely to engage in risky be-
haviour and drugs than children of authoritative parents. Many times children will grow
up feeling resentment against their parents for being neglectful and often might be es-
tranged from them into adulthood.

Long-term impact of Parenting Styles on children.

Democratic or Authoritative Parenting

• lively and happy disposition
• self-confident about ability to master tasks.
• well developed emotion regulation
• developed social skills
• less rigid about gender-typed traits (exp: sensitivity in boys and independence in
girls)
Authoritarian Parenting
• anxious, withdrawn, and unhappy disposition
• poor reactions to frustration (girls are particularly likely to give up and boys be-
come especially hostile)
• do well in school (studies may show authoritative parenting is comparable)
• not likely to engage in antisocial activities (exp: drug and alcohol abuse, vandal-
ism, gangs)
Permissive Parenting
• poor emotion regulation (under regulated)
• rebellious and defiant when desires are challenged.
• low persistence to challenging tasks
• antisocial behaviours
Choosing your parenting style

Maybe you are somewhere in between. Think about what you want your children to learn.
Research on children's development shows that the most positive outcomes for children
occur when parents use democratic styles. Children with permissive parents tend to be
aggressive and act out, while children with authoritarian parents tend to be compliant and
submissive and have low self-esteem.
No parenting style will work unless you build a loving bond with your child.

Again you have to consider you partner’s parenting style. Differences in parenting styles
are a problem for both parents and children. At the least it invites kids to play one parent
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against the other in a smart attempt to get the answer that they want to hear. This is not
the child's fault. After all he is just using good common sense. However, it does create a
situation in which rules are not clear or consistently enforced, which is bad for the child
as well as for the parent.

At its extreme, a polarization of styles can occur in which one parent compensates for the
perceived weaknesses of the other. For example, if the father is too strict, the mother
may overcompensate by becoming more lenient. That may prompt the father to become
even stricter as he attempts to overcompensate for her leniency. The result can be a very
confusing world for the child to navigate—one that makes it hard to make sense of reality
and can set the stage for mental health problems in some children.

While parents do not have to be identical in parenting styles, they should agree to discuss
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matters between them and come to an agreement about what to tell the child. This may
require compromise between the adults, before even beginning to involve the child.

Immigrants face a host of parenting dilemmas that non-immigrants don’t. For example,
immigrant parents may not be able to communicate in the same language as their chil-
dren’s teachers. They may disagree with the values that their kids are taught in school or
by their peers. They also may be unfamiliar with their children’s experiences of culture
conflict and identity confusion. Given such challenges, it is not uncommon for immigrants
to have to re-examine their parenting style in their new environment.

Prepared by MuslimVille Education Center, a registered non-profit organization for children and youth
in Canada, This bulletin may be linked, copied and/or distributed freely.