[Roar]

{KEANU}
Ladies and gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite running out of
Mango Juul pods, it’s the most nicotine-addicted band in the world, the Columbia
University Marching International students smoking outside of Butler!

[Fanfare]

{BETSY}
Featuring:
J. GOP: rapidly in decline
J. Democrats: finally growing a spine
And J. Nancy Pelosi: now third in line

[Fanfare]

{KEANU}
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous,
sententious, sesquipedalian, semicircular, semicentennial, solipsistic, recently
renovated, yet still in need of renovation! College Library, where the shelves are long
lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. As
well as the temperature of the planet going up, northern California going down, and
climate change deniers at an all-time “this is fine, THIS IS FINE” the Band now presents
its 68th consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry
while consummating the world’s largest simultaneous Orgo! And so, in the interest of
everyone’s enjoyment:

{BETSY}
SEAS students, please turn off your Android devices.
{KEANU}
GS students, please turn up your hearing aids.

{BETSY}
CC students, please set your cell phones to vibrate.

{KEANU}
And Barnard students, please set your vibrators to phone. Let’s start the show!

[Who Owns]

{JOKE 1 – EC}
{BETSY}
This semester, students watched as the distant homes of their loved ones were put in
danger by forces of Mother Nature. That’s right – we’re talking about Columbia’s own
East Campus. Columbia’s most coveted housing has been looking more and more like
an unraked California forest. And, just like California’s unlivable environment, East
Campus hasn’t been doing so hot...

...except for when it’s literally on fire. Housing must have thought EC wasn’t already hot
enough, despite the thousands of bodies packing in every Thursday, Friday,
Saturday...and Wednesday for seniors, Sunday for football players, Tuesday for
humanities majors, and Mondays for alcoholics who don’t need excuses. As if the
alcohol poisoning wasn’t already hazardous to our health, EC now has hot plates,
which, for those of you who don’t know, are basically active landmines. It’s like we’re
frying pita chips with a side of Hamas.

A 24/7 Fire Guard was stationed in the building after 20 false fire alarms forced
residents to weigh a possible fiery death against walking down some stairs. We in the
band can only assume he was there to make sure no one intentionally burned the
building to the ground in hopes a better one would be constructed in its place. Even the
architect who built EC a thousand years ago said it was the worst thing he ever made,
which is exactly what George H. W. Bush said when Jeb was born.

But getting trapped in Dante’s Inferno may actually be sweet relief for EC residents
faced with something moist and sticky in their walls instead of their beds. Residents
found mold in their rooms, but Facilities just painted over it, much in the way SEAS
students just paint over the 2.0 on their resumes.

Perhaps that’s why the most shocking part of Columbia’s Housing Crisis was when
Housing decided to actually start paying attention. They went from laissez-faire to
authoritarian faster than the US government. When Housing sent out the email about
upcoming inspections, there was a mad rush across campus to turn empty vodka
bottles into vases and disguise their surge protectors as dildos. But, in the end, the
housing checks did nothing to fix EC’s problem – perhaps they made it worse, since our
underbed storage is now for candles, space heaters, and lighted bongs.

In honor of eventually suing Columbia for damages, the band now forms a broken EC
student and plays “Fire and Flies.”

[FIREFLIES]

{JOKE 2 – IVY DIVERSITY}

{KEANU}
Since before the founding of America, the Ivy League has prospered on educating one
demographic: rich, white, male property owners. And the Ivy League has continued
educating rich, white, male, property owners, and their sons, and their sons’ sons, and
their sons’ sons’ sons, and finally, after a long fight, their sons’ sons’ sons daughters.
But long gone are the days when those white dudes could get into Harvard by just
asking really nicely.

Now, Harvard is accepting students who aren’t certified European by 23andMe. A group
of Asian-American students are suing Harvard over their affirmative action policy,
arguing that Harvard’s consideration of race leads to unfair biases – and we don’t just
mean that you need to mention disdain for the working class on your application.
Harvard has been accused of penalizing Asians in favor of other minority groups and
the ensuing debate has been tenser than a CC class the week they’re reading Freud. It
seems no one can agree who Harvard should be admitting... but if we really want to
make Ivy League admissions fair, we should just abolish affirmative action for white
people, better known as: athletic recruitment, legacy admissions, and Midwestern
representation.

But even after students get into the Ivy League, they come to find lessons of inclusion
don’t last long after NSOP. Columbia is currently treating its Muslim students about as
well as it treats its grad students. The prayer spaces provided by the university are full
of crumbling ceilings, shoeboxes of broken glass, and shopping carts full of booze –
which sounds less like a sacred space and more like an unrenovated Carman floor.
Members of the Muslim Students Association were forced to launch a video campaign
for improvements, but you shouldn’t have to launch a campaign for equality the same
way you launch a Kardashian career.

So, it seems the most woke Ivy and Cambridge’s second-best school are more alike
than we thought. When it comes to to keeping minorities out of the Ivies, Columbia has
opted for the pull-out method, letting them in only to make them feel so uncomfortable
that they withdraw before graduation. Harvard, on the other hand, has chosen the
barrier method, because they aren’t taking any chances. Either way, the only people
who win in this scenario are the people trying to keep the white stuff away from
everything else.

In honor of making space for minorities, the band now forms a prayer rug and plays,
“Shouldn’t Have to Shake the Glass Off.”

[SHAKE IT OFF]
{JOKE 3 – KAVANAUGH}
{BETSY}
Earlier this semester, the Supreme Court showed that sexual assault is the Anita Hill
they’re willing to die on. Dr. Christine Blasey Ford testified before the Senate Judiciary
committee about a sexual assault committed by Supreme Court nominee Brett
Kavanaugh, or as we in the band like to call him, “Pike.” 50% of the US population
believe her, 50% believe him, and 100% of us believe that Kavanaugh masturbates on
his high school calendars. During the hearing, he proved to the world that he’s more
fragile than two of Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s ribs, and isn’t interested in what any woman
has to say, unless her name is Stella Artois.

We in the band can’t help but notice that everyone in the Trump administration is only
interested in making sure students like Brett spend less time in prison than a 3-year old
asylum seeker. In 2017, Betsy DeVos was appointed US Secretary of Education,
overcoming incredible obstacles like being married to a billionaire, not knowing what a
public school is, and not being able to find enough dalmatians to make her coat.
Besides protecting school children from grizzly bears and gender-neutral bathrooms,
DeVos gutted Title IX sexual assault investigations, bringing sweet relief to the slapped
white male wrists across America. Under the new rules, accused students will get to
play lawyer and cross-examine their accusers, cementing DeVos’ legacy of putting
people in jobs they aren’t qualified for.

When it comes to getting predators off campus, Columbia is more adrift than Betsy
Devos’s yacht in the vast wastes of Ohio. 17 women are suing Columbia for protecting
gynecologist Robert Hadden for 20 years even though they knew he was less “expert
on the female gender” and more “sex offender”. Despite knowing he was guilty,
Columbia hid his record like a thumbtack in Ferris potatoes. We haven’t seen such
blatant disrespect for human dignity since Jeff Bezos bulldozed public housing in
Queens to make room for his helipad.
But contrary to what Columbia students believe, bad things don’t just happen north of
125th street. The school of General Studies took things back to a decade they’re more
comfortable with – the 1950s. GS Dean of Students Tom Harford was removed from his
position over the summer, after it was discovered that he struggled with professional
ethics, maintaining boundaries, and telling the difference between a FAFSA application
and a Seeking Arrangements profile. Vice Dean Curtis Rogers knew about the
continued abuse for months but still has his job, so he can make sure that, regardless of
their milvet status, every GS student graduates with PTSD. GS administrators are now
faced with a choice: they can either deal with their problem or change their school’s
name to the School of General Silence.

It seems that national shame is the only thing that might make Columbia change its
ways. History has taught us that if the university keeps ignoring its sexual assault
problems the way they ignored McBain’s crumbling facades, it’s only a matter of time
before another woman gets crushed.

In honor of accountability, healthy relationships and appropriate boundaries the band

now forms a cash payout and plays “Believe Her.”

[I’M A BELIEVER]

{JOKE 4 – BWOG}
{KEANU}
Bwog’s almost 13, which means it finally hit puberty and started staring jealously at
Spec’s perky C-cup copy editing department. This semester, Bwog decided it would set
out to become a grown-up campus news organization. It sets its sights on the goal with
the conviction of a newly-out-and-proud Barnard first year who comes home for
Christmas with half the hair and twice the girlfriend.

Bwog’s big break came from CultureSHOCK: a celebration of Asian culture that went
down faster than an unvaccinated child in a measles-ridden elementary school.
Featured guest Nimesh Patel was kicked off stage after he told several unfortunate
jokes, which took the name CultureSHOCK a bit too literally. Conservatives called for
the liberal college snowflakes that kicked Patel off stage to be melted over the Wien
dumpster fire. But at least we know that Columbia taught Patel something, because he
immediately published an op-ed, which was the most tone-deaf thing we’d seen since
the back of Melania Trump’s jacket. In breaking the story, Bwog reminded everyone of
something we in the band have known for a long time now: comedians and CU students
mix about as well as Saudi diplomacy and a bone saw.

Bwog broke another story when they revealed that hazing sometimes happens in frat
houses. This was the least surprising thing we’ve heard since finding out that 10,000
Elizabeth Warrens equals 1 Native American. A disaffiliated Lambda brother gave a
horrific account of the hazing he underwent as a pledge, including physical trials that
made us look like assholes for complaining about the swim test. The hazing ranged
from competitions against UPenn pledges to see which “Ivy” can be the last to vomit
from consecutive burpees, to being forced to eat brown rice and tofu, a vegan’s wet
dream. If Lambda bros are so obsessed with physical torture, they should’ve joined
Columbia’s BDSM club! We hear they’re always looking for new members. But frat bros
chose to rush to Bwog’s comment section to jerk themselves off, instead of trying to
force girls at their parties to do it for them.

When it comes to breaking news, Bwog may get it up quicker, but their credibility takes
a pounding. And while Spec has the money, the power, the name recognition, the huge
staff, and the office space, only Bwog has the bravery to hit “post” without a single fact
check. We in the band have learned one important lesson from this semester’s
scandals: Bwog is always willing to tell the stories no one wants to hear! whether it's frat
shit we usually ignore, erotic mascot fanfiction, or quizzes on “Which Administrative
Penis Are You?”

In honor of another goddamn listicle, the band now forms a news alert and plays
“Hooked on Them Headlines.”
[HOOKED ON A FEELING]

{JOKE 5 – BARNARD}
{BETSY}
This NSOP, Barnard freshmen were welcomed to campus with bear plushies, tote bags,
and heat stroke. Barnard dorms without A/C like Brooks and Reid, or as we in the band
like to call them the Ballsack of the Barnard Quad, were so hot that first-years were
forced to seek asylum in Sulz before the President tried to illegally bar them from ports
of entry. Freshmen were hospitalized because of the heat on the first day of NSOP, but
that didn’t stop them from organizing faster than a budding activist reading Marx for the
first time. Admin took a look at all their grassroots effort, shrugged, and said: “Let them
eat celery.”

But housing torture at Barnard doesn’t end once you finish your first year. In late
October, Plimpton residents discovered their dorm had something worse than
cockroaches in the kitchen: asbestos in the roof. Honestly, it makes sense to find
asbestos in Plimpton, a dorm that’s basically an upgraded Riker’s Island. Plimpton
residents are also having trouble down below, and we aren’t talking about UTIs. New
laundry machines installed across Barnard over the summer are working about as well
as Tumblr after the porn ban – they break often and force people to drag their dirty
panties somewhere else.

Rounding out Barnard’s deadly sins is Aramark, or as we like to call it, cat food pressed
into human food shapes. Now that Hewitt has an A rating, Barnard students have
decided they want a strong, independent dining system that doesn’t need no prison
industrial complex. Barnard students staged a dining boycott, which was about as
effective as Trump using Kanye to get the black vote. As if that wasn’t enough,
Barnard’s overachieving sister NYU also staged a protest against Aramark, and theirs
actually worked. We in the band have to wonder, if other schools are better than us at
protests, what do we even have left? A 22-hour dining hall and staggeringly high
depression rates?

But something we don’t need to protest is the Milstein Center’s grand opening. Milstein
is full of new amenities so that Barnard students don’t have to rely on their Butler sugar
daddies. They can now make buttons in the Makerspace proclaiming their queer, POC,
pro-Palestinian, anti-fascist, anti-gluten, pro-Mitski alliances. They can get filming
equipment to make home movies, have kinky green chair sex, and 3D print their own
vibrators!

The Milstein Center might have made Barnard look like a real campus again, but the
holes in this school’s heart are gonna need a lot more than shiny gadgets and ugly
chairs to really fill them.

In honor of ignoring your problems, the band now forms a Band-aid over a bullet hole
and plays “At least we’ve got somewhere to finish our thesis”.

[A CRUEL ANGEL’S THESIS]

{JOKE 6 – CORE LESSONS}

{KEANU}
If you haven’t noticed, there’s been a certain tension on campus this month, and no, we
aren’t talking about all the sexually repressed SEAS students. We’re of course talking
about the inbred elephant in the room: white supremacy.

This semester, anti-Semitism struck Teachers College, sending shockwaves through

the Columbia community when they remembered that Teachers College actually exists.
Swastikas and anti-semitic slurs were spray-painted in the office of a Holocaust scholar,
which is surprising considering that going to Columbia is the rich man’s Birthright. There
is a $5000 dollar reward for any information on the crime, which is enough money to
buy a copy of The Diary of Anne Frank for every Columbia student who doesn’t think
anti-Semitism is still a problem.
But don’t worry, you don’t have to wait for your office to get vandalized: Columbia will
bring the white supremacy right to you!. This past weekend, a CC sophomore decided
to get some late-night exercise by goose-stepping his White Man’s Burden across
College Walk. The student went on a Blitzkrieg of a rant at nearby students of color that
had all the white savior complex of The Help and all the historical accuracy of Abraham
Lincoln, Vampire Hunter. His praise of white men rang across the Hudson Valley,
conveniently ignoring the smallpox blankets needed to colonize it in the first place. He
was right about one thing, though – white men have had a disproportionate impact on
classrooms in America, including literature classes, science classes, and biweekly
Active Shooter drills.
The Public Safety officer on the scene didn’t do anything, but what else do we expect
from officers who spent 80% of their time signing drunk people out of EC? Racist von
Dickhead has since chosen to stand by his words, because apparently, the impact of his
actions went over his head faster than a white hood. To really hammer his point home,
the student went on InfoWars to prove he’s not racist – which makes about as much
sense as going on Maury to prove you’re not the father. In response Columbia sent out
the its usual “we denounce it” email with “Racism on Campus” pasted in, like the world’s
laziest game of hate crime Mad Libs. Across the street, Barnard opted to actually listen
to what their students have been saying for years and finally banned a CC boy from
campus.

What we in the band don’t understand is why the world is so shocked at the way these
tensions unfolded on campus. Just take one look at the Core of our education – maybe
kids are screaming “I love white men” because that’s exactly they’re preaching in Lit
Hum. And learning about people of color is relegated to the Global Core, where you can
take classes like Tan Whites of Europe, the Irish Were Slaves Too, or An Inquiry into
Ariana Grande’s Ethnicity. At least Columbia has added Toni Morrison to the Core, to
do what white liberals always do – rely on a Black woman to solve their problems.

In honor of the Core Office, the band now forms tokenism and plays “All of the Whites.”
[ALL OF THE LIGHTS]

{KEANU}
Well, that’s all for us tonight, folks. But before we go, we’d like to leave you with a few
study hints for the big Orgo exam tomorrow:

{BETSY}
Methyl groups are lower energy in the axial position, while band members are in their
highest energy in the 69th position.

{KEANU}
Cortisol is a steroid hormone that mitigates the body's response to stress. Coatsworth is
a shitty human that only wants the grad student union to be depressed.

{BETSY}
An acceptable backside attack is when a nucleophile approaches a carbon without
steric hindrance; an unacceptable backside attack is when he approaches the wrong
hole without lube.

{KEANU}
And finally, in chemistry, elements that are not part of the solution are part of the
precipitate, whereas, at Columbia, students who are not part of the solution are part of
the Band!

{BETSY}
Thanks and good night folks! Try not to break any bookcases on your way out!