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10 Negative Effects Of Divorce On Children And Ways To Mitigate Them
By: ROHIT GAROO
OCTOBER 25, 2017
Things didn’t go right with Sam and Bob. After making repeated attempts to save their marriage
for the sake of their two children, they decided to part ways. But the couple was worried about the future
of their children, and how their decision to divorce would impact the little souls.
Divorce is the most difficult phase of a married couple’s life. As adults, they might eventually get
over the tough period, but children become a collateral casualty. Their minds are tender and can slip
into a state of shock on seeing parents split forever.
The adverse effects of divorce can be long-lasting on children and may impact their own
relationships. Studies have shown that in the US, the daughters of divorced parents have a 60% higher
divorce rate than those of non-divorced parents. The number is 35% for sons (1).
In this post, MomJunction explains the ordeal children go through when their parents get
divorced.
The Short-Term Effects Of Divorce On Children:
Children who witness a divorce could be disturbed by the thought of not seeing their parents
together again. Following are some of the immediate short-term effects of divorce on children:
Anxiety: The aftermath of a divorce causes the child to become tense, nervous, and
anxious. Young children are more prone to it than the older ones since they are heavily
dependent on both the parents. An anxious child will find it difficult to concentrate on his studies
and may lose interest in activities that he once found enticing.
Constant stress: According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry,
many children falsely consider themselves the reason behind their parents’ divorce and assume
the responsibility to mend the relationship (2). This can lead to immense stress and pressure on
the young mind, which can have several repercussions like negative thoughts and nightmares.
Mood swings and irritability: Young children may suffer from mood swings and become
irritable even when interacting with familiar people. Some children will go into a withdrawal mode,
where they stop talking to anyone and shut themselves away. The child will become quiet and
prefer spending time alone.
Intense sadness: Acute sadness rushes through the heart and mind of the child. Nothing
feels good in life, and the child may eventually plunge into depression, which is a long-term
manifestation of this sadness.
Disillusion and distress: Children of divorce may feel hopeless and disillusioned because
they do not have the comprehensive emotional support from their parents. This situation can
become worse if the child is looked after by a single parent with no access to the other parent.
Short-term effects of divorce can hamper a child’s psychological and physiological growth, which
can have a long-term impact.
Long-Term Effects Of Divorce On Children:
 Things can get rough for a child, who sees his parents bicker and separate. Their minds are still
plastic that is they can easily get affected by the events happening around them. Following are the
long-term effects of divorce on children:
6. Behavioral and social problems:
A child is at a greater risk of developing violent and antisocial behavior when the parents divorce.
He or she may lose temper at the drop of a hat and show no hesitation assaulting someone. In the long
run, it may lead to the development of a criminal mindset, especially during the adolescent years.
Studies show that most children of divorce display the characteristic traits of aggression and
disobedience with varying degree of intensity (3). Extreme cases of these conditions make the child a
social misfit.
7. Trouble with relationships:
When children grow seeing a marriage fail, they develop doubts about love and harmony in a
relationship. They have trust issues and find it challenging to resolve conflicts in a relationship. Such
children, as adults, will start any relationship with a negative mindset.
8. Prone to substance abuse:
Drugs and alcohol become the avenues for adolescents to vent out their frustration and anxiety.
Research has shown a higher incidence of substance abuse in teens whose parents are divorced (4).
Of course, there are other factors like the care provided by the single parent, which determine the
adolescent’s tendency to have drugs. However, the probability of an adolescent succumbing to the
temptation is considerably high. Long-term substance abuse has damaging effects on the well-being
of the child.
9. Depression:
The feeling of anguish and heartbreak caused by parents’ divorce can make a child slip into
depression. Depression is a mental health problem, and children who witness divorce have a higher
incidence of depression and social withdrawal. Researchers note that divorce can be a contributing
factor in cases of bipolar disorder observed in children (5).
10. Poor education and socio-economic position:
The adverse psychological effects of divorce diminish a child’s interest in education. Children
who experience the divorce of their parents show a drastic drop in their school grades (6). It can
significantly impede a child’s ability to learn at school and college. A stunted progress in education
hampers career prospects of the child as an adult, which make it difficult to have a decent socio-
economic status.
Divorce can take a toll on the children’s mental and physical health, but sometimes, separated
parents are far better than quarreling parents. Don’t be surprised.
The Positive Side Of Divorce:
Divorce is not limited just to the couple but extends to the entire family. The effects are long
lasting. Despite the melancholy associated with it, there is a positive way to look at divorce from a
child’s point of view.
Note that these positive effects are in comparison to a family of bickering parents and not a
normal family with loving parents.
1. Happy parents denote a happy child:
The child no longer has to experience a tense atmosphere at home as mom and dad will no
more quarrel. As they are no longer greeted by arguments, they return home from school or college
with a positive mindset. It also ensures that the child does not wander away with a bad company to
avoid squabbling parents at home.
2. The child could be less prone to addiction:
The deed is done and over. It means, the separated parents can now focus on the children as
the task of getting divorced is completed. The kid does not have to rely on pseudo-comforters like drugs
and alcohol.
3. The child spends quality time with parents:
If the child is free to shuttle between the houses of his both parents, then he may spend fruitful
time. His interactions are no longer interpreted by an argument, and he can pour his heart out freely. It
also gives each parent an opportunity to divide the responsibility equally, and still be the caring mom
or dad that they have been.
4. Better grades:
Research has shown that divorce can help a child study better and improve his grades since he
no longer has the baggage of quarreling parents back home (7). Also, each parent dedicates their time
for the child’s homework and studies.
5. Children may not repeat their parents’ mistakes:
What happens when you see your parents’ marriage fail? You get the best life lesson on
managing relationships. Studies about positive effects of divorce have shown that children who witness
the split of their parents can show maturity and patience while managing conflicts in their relationships.
They communicate better and always strive to be good by not repeating the mistakes of their parents
(8).
This could be a positive way of looking at a divorce, if that is imminent. The child’s reaction to
their parents’ decision depends on various factors such as the age of the child and gender.
Factors That Determine A Child’s Reaction To Divorce:
Following are some of the factors that play a significant role in the way a divorce affects the
child:
1. Gender:
Divorce affects boys and girls equally, but in some cases, a particular gender may show a more
adverse reaction than the other. For example, depression due to divorce is higher in boys than in girls.
On the other hand, girls have a greater tendency to develop severe behavioral problems (9). Overall,
divorce has identical and equivalent levels of psychological reactions among children of both genders.
2. Age:
The age of the child plays a critical role in the way he/she reacts to the split of their parents:
I) Toddler/Preschooler:
 An infant is too young to understand a divorce, so it is only when the child is a toddler that
the separation starts making a difference.
The effects of divorce on a toddler are elementary yet may grow profound. A toddler
observes that one parent is not part of his or her life anymore, but does not understand the
reason. The child may insist on meeting the other parent, and will throw a tantrum for it.
Toddlers can feel nervous, become clingy, and cry when missing the other parent, or
when they find the absence of a parent confusing.
Ii) Early Schooler:
The child can comprehend that something is wrong in the relationship of his mother and
father. He can connect the split with the relationship problem, but may not discern the purpose
of a divorce.
Early schoolers easily get anxious and stressed when they realize he/she is not going to
live with both the parents anymore.
May show poor appetite, loss of interest in playing with friends, and would request the
guardian parent to get back together with the other parent.
Iii) Preteen:
Preteen can interpret divorce but will oppose or resist accepting it. He/she may repeatedly
sneak out from the guardian parent to meet the other parent, and argue if caught.
Will show poor grades and loss of interest in studies. He will also grow irritable on trivial
matters.
The child may consider himself as the cause of the divorce and will try to reunite his
parents.
Iv) Adolescents:
Adolescents/teenagers understand divorce and have clear cognition of the reasons
behind it. Due to this, they are most likely to feel emotionally upset on seeing their parents go
separate ways.
An adolescent will suffer poor grades, withdraw from his current friend circle, and may cut
off his relatives as well. He/she may also stop speaking to one or both the parents due to anger
and frustration.
May show first signs of inclination towards substance abuse like addiction towards alcohol
and narcotics. Also, if in a relationship of his/her own, then they will tend to be abusive and
quarrelsome due to stress.
3. Availability of emotional support:
If the child has a backup emotional support system, then he is less likely to display any inimical
effects of divorce of his parents. The emotional support could range from having a supportive sibling to
grandparents that foster the child while the biological parents resolve the divorce. In some cases, the
single parent may handle the situation in a calm and rational manner, which can ensure that the child
does not suffer any adverse influence of the divorce.
It is clear that suffering is inescapable for the child, but you can make an effort to mitigate it.
How To Mitigate A Child’s Suffering In A Divorce:
It is okay for a wife and husband to split, but a mother and father must always stay together for
the sake of their children. Perhaps the best way to prevent a child from suffering is to resolve the conflict
and get back together as a happy family. However, if that is not possible, following are some tips to
keep the little one mentally strong:
1. Do not keep the impending divorce a secret:
Revealing an imminent divorce at the last moment can confuse and shock the child. Inform the
child about your decision way before you arrive at it. Tell him than mom and dad have decided to live
separately, and he/she is not the reason behind it. Do not demean or blame your partner for the divorce,
and keep your words child-friendly.
2. Continue to stay involved as parents:
The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry states that the children of divorce do
better when the parents continue to remain involved in their upbringing. Despite the divorce, ensure
you celebrate all important family events, especially your child’s birthday, together. Continue to guide
your child as a parent so that he/she has a healthy childhood. Tell them that your decision should not
influence their life and that they continue to have a normal with activities like going to school, studying,
and playing with friends.
3. Maintain a healthy routine:
This is applicable especially to toddlers and preschoolers. Do not let divorce disrupt the routine
of your child when he/ she is a toddler or an infant. Keep feeding, bathing, and sleeping, all at the same
time like it was before. Cuddle with the child and make it a point to spend quality time. It will all bring a
sense of normalcy in the life of the child.
4. Avoid long and murky custody disputes:
A custody dispute is the ugly legal spat between divorcing couples about the guardianship rights
of the child. It is settled in a court of law and can take an awfully long time to resolve. Children can find
the experience stressful especially if the court puts the onus on the child, by asking him/her to choose
one parent. To prevent agony to the child, keep him/her out of any legal proceedings. Instead, opt to
nurture the child together as parents, despite splitting as a couple.
5. Do not forbid meetings with the other parent:
If you win the custody of the child, then do not restrict or prevent the child from meeting the other
parent. Remember, your ex-spouse is still the biological parent of your child and has as much right as
you do. When children have access to both parents, they have a normal childhood, even if the parents
do not live together under the same roof.
These tips can help prevent long-term mental scarring of the child, and let him have a happy
and normal childhood.
Divorce is a bitter pill for you and your children. But if you have no other option but to opt for it,
make sure your kids are not affected in the melee. They have a long way to go in their life and your
divorce cannot be an impediment to their growth.
https://www.children-and-divorce.com/children-negative-effects-of-divorce.html
Children Negative Effects of Divorce
 Much has been published on Children Negative Effects of Divorce. Fortunately, most children of
divorce do not experience long lasting negative effects.
Divorce increases children's risk for a variety of problems. Experts are still unable to accurately
predict which children are most vulnerable. Some things to consider:
Intelligent, socially mature, and responsible children are more likely to adapt well to their parents'
divorce.
Children with a sense of humor and get along easily with others are likely to get more support
from other adults around them.
Children who are difficult to manage and have negative attitudes to their parents and caregivers
are likely to have more difficulties: others are less willing to offer them support.
Here is the “Children Negative Effects of Divorce” list, as reported by many researchers,
therapists and other experts:

Emotional Pain and Suffering

A divorce hurts all the family members, including the children. Very young children do not
understand what is happening, but the feel the loss of one of the parents not being around.
Pain however, is something that goes away. The memories stay, but memories are not always
on your mind. They only pop up when you think about it. Some people cannot let go negative feelings
and emotions and keep them alive. By doing so, they keep on feeling mistreated, misguided and pityful.
These feelings prevent them from focussing on positive things and on a new future. Usually, if they
become aware of the vicious circle they are in, or when somebody else makes it clear to them, the
suffering stops.

Feeling Insecure

A divorce is a life changing event for children. It turns their world upside down. They do not
understand the divorce very well. All they know is that everything will be different. They have many
questions: where do I go to school? Where will I live? Will I be able to see my friends? Will the other
parent still be around? Did I contribute to the divorce? Will I live with my brothers and sisters in the
future or will they live with the other parent? My daddy has a new girl friend, but I do not like her.
It is not difficult to take away most of their insecurities. Present a clear picture to your children of
their future. Do it proper but quickly. You really help your children if you talk about their feelings and if
you take away their insecurities. “Children Negative Effects of Divorce” tip: co-operate with your ex and
find good answers and solutions and communicate them clearly to your children.

Anxious

If the insecurities stay there, a child might become anxious which can become an anxiety
disorder. This is an extreme consequence, of course. A “Children Negative Effects of Divorce” tip:The
Anxiety-Free Child Program teaches your children how they can get rid of their anxiety.
Lower self-esteem

Parents, the parential home, the unconditional love between the parents is something children
belief in. Your break-up does damage the self confidence of your children. Especially children between
5 and 10 years old are vulnerable. They often think they caused the divorce by behaving not as
expected.
In the beginning, many children think the worlds ends when their parents announce the divorce.
Children also wonder what their friends think of it Will my class mates see me as a looser
because of the divorce?

Agressive, angry

Some children become aggressive or angry after the divorce. Usually, this behavior goes away
after a few weeks or month. If it is not the case, you should take action. Learn how to change the
attitude and the behavior of your child from one or more books or guides on the subject (For example,
“Children Negative Effects of Divorce” suggests you to read the book: Child Anger Management for
Parents) or seek help from a professional counselor or therapist.

Depressed

An individual is depressed if very negative feelings stay permanently on top of one’s mind.
Depression is a serious mental illness for which professional help and sometimes medication is needed
to get rid of it.

Poorer social skills

There is a correlation found between children of divorce and social skills. Experts suggest
children of divorce have more difficulties trusting other people unconditionally. They tend to have less
social contacts. Especially young children tend to cut social relationships after the divorce. Later in life,
this can result in having difficulties building intimate relationships.
“Children Negative Effects of Divorce” suggestion: Stimulate your child to participate in all kinds
of events to stay socially involved.

Higher divorce rates for Children of Divorce

For children of divorce the probability to divorce is twice as high as for children from normal
families.

Learning Problems

Children from divorced families are more likely to have academic problems, be more aggressive
and get in trouble with school authorities or the police.
 When elaborating on children negative effects of divorce on academic achievement we need to
look at children's grades, standardized test scores, or dropout rates. Children whose parents divorce
generally have poorer scores. These results have been found quite consistently throughout a variety of
research studies over the past three decades.
Children's actual performance on tests consistently shows this difference, but results based on
teacher or parent reports are less likely to show this difference as both parents and teachers often
underestimate the difficulties a child may be having in school or may not recognize the problems.
In some cases, it appears that children's difficulties with school may be caused more by their
behavior than their intellectual abilities.

Negative effects of divorce and academic achievements in gender difference.

Boys are more likely to be aggressive and have problems getting along with their peers and
teachers, therefore spending less time in school or on their schoolwork.
Girls are more likely to experience depression, interfering with their ability to concentrate on
schoolwork or to put as much effort into their work.
School success has long-term implications for children's success in life. It is important to find
ways to support children from divorced families.

Common reactions teachers or caregivers see in children experiencing divorce.

 Young children are more likely to show regressive behaviors such as thumb sucking, increased
whining, difficulty making transitions, and increased need to be with a teacher or other caregiver.
 Older children are more likely to be disobedient, to talk back, and to be destructive.
 All children are likely to have some new fears about where their parents are or if they will see
parents again.
 There also may be significant declines in school performance, tardiness, absences, and
difficulties getting along with peers.
Few children will show all of these signs, but almost all children will show some of these
symptoms, especially when there are significant events at home such as a parent moving out, an
appearance in court, and general disruptions in the usual home routine.
https://www.mediate.com/articles/psych.cfm
Psychological and Emotional Aspects of Divorce
by Kathleen O'Connell Corcoran
June 1997
This article summarizes many of the common psychological and emotional effects divorce has
on men, women and children. The divorce rate in the United States is the highest in the world. Over
fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Welcome to the majority.
Divorce Effects and Prevalence
 It may be helpful to understand a little about divorce and the typical effects it has on men, women
and children. The divorce rate in the United States is the highest in the world. Fifty percent of marriages
end in divorce. Sixty-seven percent of all second marriages end in divorce. As high as these figures
are, what is also true is that the divorce rate appears to be dropping. The reasons for this change are
not clear. Many people cannot afford to divorce, many people cannot afford to marry. Another reason
is that "baby boomers," who account for a large proportion of our population are no longer in their 20s
and 30s, the ages when divorce is most prevalent. The societal expectation is that divorced life is less
satisfying than married life. Divorce is associated with an increase in depression--people experience
loss of partner, hopes and dreams, and lifestyle. The financial reality of divorce is often hard to
comprehend: the same resources must now support almost twice the expenses.

Fifty percent of all children are children of divorce. Twenty-eight percent of all children are born
of never married parents. Divorce is expensive. Aid for Dependent Children (AFDC) resources are
drained by the needs of divorced and single parent families; including the cost of collecting child
support.

Here are some of the experiences of men and women in divorce.

For women:

1. Women initiate divorce twice as often as men

2. 90% of divorced mothers have custody of their children (even if they did not receive it in court)

3. 60% of people under poverty guidelines are divorced women and children

4. Single mothers support up to four children on an average after-tax annual income of $12,200

5. 65% divorced mothers receive no child support (figure based on all children who could be eligible,
including never-married parents, when fathers have custody, and parents without court orders); 75%
receive court-ordered child support (and rising since inception of uniform child support guidelines,
mandatory garnishment and license renewal suspension)

6. After divorce, women experience less stress and better adjustment in general than do men. The
reasons for this are that (1) women are more likely to notice marital problems and to feel relief when
such problems end, (2) women are more likely than men to rely on social support systems and help
from others, and (3) women are more likely to experience an increase in self-esteem when they divorce
and add new roles to their lives.

7. Women who work and place their children in child care experience a greater stigma than men in the
same position. Men in the same position often attract support and compassion.

For men:

1. Men are usually confronted with greater emotional adjustment problems than women. The reasons
for this are related to the loss of intimacy, the loss of social connection, reduced finances, and the
common interruption of the parental role.

2. Men remarry more quickly than women.

3. As compared to "deadbeat dads," men who have shared parenting (joint legal custody), ample time
with their children, and an understanding of and direct responsibility for activities and expenses of
children stay involved in their children's lives and are in greater compliance with child support
obligations. There is also a greater satisfaction with child support amount when negotiated in mediation.
Budgets are prepared, and responsibility divided in a way that parents understand.

4. Men are initially more negative about divorce than women and devote more energy in attempting to
salvage the marriage.

Effects of Divorce on Children

In the last few years, higher-quality research which has allowed the "meta-analysis" of previously
published research, has shown the negative effects of divorce on children have been greatly
exaggerated. In the past we read that children of divorce suffered from depression, failed in school,
and got in trouble with the law. Children with depression and conduct disorders showed indications of
those problems predivorce because there was parental conflict predivorce. Researchers now view
conflict, rather than the divorce or residential schedule, as the single most critical determining factor in
children's post-divorce adjustment. The children who succeed after divorce, have parents who can
communicate effectively and work together as parents.

Actually, children's psychological reactions to their parents' divorce vary in degree dependent
on three factors: (1) the quality of their relationship with each of their parents before the separation, (2)
the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents' ability to focus on the needs of
children in their divorce.

Older studies showed boys had greater social and academic adjustment problems than girls.
New evidence indicates that when children have a hard time, boys and girls suffer equally; they just
differ in how they suffer. Boys are more externally symptomatic than girls, they act out their anger,
frustration and hurt. They may get into trouble in school, fight more with peers and parents. Girls tend
to internalize their distress. They may become depressed, develop headaches or stomach aches, and
have changes in their eating and sleeping patterns.

A drop in parents' income often caused by the same income now supporting two households
directly affects children over time in terms of proper nutrition, involvement in extracurricular activities,
clothing (no more designer jeans and fancy shoes), and school choices. Sometimes a parent who had
stayed home with the children is forced into the workplace and the children experience an increase in
time in child care.

A child's continued involvement with both of his or her parents allows for realistic and better
balanced future relationships. Children learn how to be in relationship by their relationship with their
parents. If they are secure in their relationship with their parents, chances are they will adapt well to
various time-sharing schedules and experience security and fulfillment in their intimate relationships in
adulthood. In the typical situation where mothers have custody of the children, fathers who are involved
in their children's lives are also the fathers whose child support is paid and who contribute to
extraordinary expenses for a child: things like soccer, music lessons, the prom dress, or a special class
trip. One important factor which contributes to the quality and quantity of the involvement of a father in
a child's life is mother's attitude toward the child's relationship with father. When fathers leave the
marriage and withdraw from their parenting role as well, they report conflicts with the mother as the
major reason.

The impact of father or mother loss is not likely to be diminished by the introduction of
stepparents. No one can replace Mom or Dad. And no one can take away the pain that a child feels
when a parent decides to withdraw from their lives. Before embarking on a new family, encourage
clients to do some reading on the common myths of step families. Often parents assume that after the
remarriage "we will all live as one big happy family." Step family relationships need to be negotiated,
expectations need to be expressed, roles need to be defined, realistic goals need to be set.
 Most teenagers (and their parents) eventually adjust to divorce and regard it as having been a
constructive action, but one-third do not. In those instances, the turbulence of the divorce phase (how
adversarial a battle it is), has been shown to play a crucial role in creating unhealthy reactions in
affected teenagers.

Joan Kelly, PhD, former president of the Academy of Family Mediators and prominent divorce
researcher from California reports that, depending on the strength of the parent-child bond at the time
of divorce, the parent-child relationship diminishes over time for children who see their fathers less than
35% of the time. Court-ordered "standard visitation" patterns typically provide less.

# Days

Every other weekend 48

4 weeks in summer 28

½ spring break 3

½ winter break 7

½ holidays 4

Total 90 days = 25%

Add 1 day per week 44

Total 134 days = 35%

Divorce also has some positive effects for children. Single parents are often closer to their
children than married parents were. This is can also be negative as when a child takes on too much
responsibility because one or both parents are not functioning well as a parent, or when a parent talks
to a child about how hurt they are by the other parent, or how horrible that other parent is. Often a
separated parent will make an effort to spend quality time with the children and pay attention to their
desires (Disneyland, small gifts, phone calls, etc). And you can imagine that some children might find
some benefit in celebrating two Christmases and birthdays each year. If both parents remarry, they
may have twice as many supportive adults/nurturers. At the very least, when parents can control their
conflict, the children can experience freedom from daily household tension between parents.
Emotional Stages of Divorce
The decision to end a relationship can be traumatic, chaotic, and filled with contradictory
emotions. There are also specific feelings, attitudes, and dynamics associated with whether one is in
the role of the initiator or the receiver of the decision to breakup. For example, it is not unusual for the
initiator to experience fear, relief, distance, impatience, resentment, doubt, and guilt. Likewise, when a
party has not initiated the divorce, they may feel shock, betrayal, loss of control, victimization,
decreased self esteem, insecurity, anger, a desire to "get even," and wishes to reconcile.

To normalize clients experiences during this time, it may be helpful to know that typical emotional
stages have been identified with ending a relationship. It may also be helpful to understand that
marriages do not breakdown overnight; the breakup is not the result of one incident; nor is the breakup
the entire fault of one party. The emotional breaking up process typically extends over several years
and is confounded by each party being at different stages in the emotional process while in the same
stage of the physical (or legal) process.

It is also quite normal to do different things to try to create distance from the former partner while
divorcing. Unfortunately, this distancing often takes the form of fault finding. Not to be disrespectful, but
it's not unlike the process one goes through in deciding to buy a new car: somehow every flaw in that
favorite old car needs to be noticed and exaggerated in order to feel okay about selling it. Also, if the
other person is portrayed as really awful, one can escape any responsibility for the end of the marriage.
A common response to divorce is to seek vengeance. When parties put their focus on getting even,
there is an equal amount of energy expended on being blameless. What's true is that blaming and fault
finding are not necessary or really helpful. Psychologist Jeffrey Kottler has written a very helpful book
on this subject entitled Beyond Blame: A New Way of Resolving Conflicts in Relationships, published
by Jossey-Bass.

Another normal rationalization is that the marriage was a wholly unpleasant experience and
escaping it is good. Or the marriage was unpleasant and now the other partner must make this up in
the divorce. Thinking that the marriage was wholly unpleasant is unfair to both parties and can hinder
emotional healing. Both stayed in the marriage for as long as they did because there were some good
things about it. There were also some things that did not work for them and these are why they are
divorcing.

Much of your clients' healing will involve acceptance, focusing on the future, taking responsibility
for their own actions (now and during the marriage), and acting with integrity. Focusing on the future
they would like to create may require an acknowledgment of each other's differing emotional stages
and a compassionate willingness to work together to balance the emotional comfort of both parties.

The following information on the emotional stages of ending a relationship is provided to help
parties through the emotional quagmire of ending a relationship and assist in their personal healing.

I. DISILLUSIONMENT OF ONE PARTY (sometimes 1-2 years before verbalized)

A. Vague feelings of discontentment, arguments, stored resentments, breaches of trust

B. Problems are real but unacknowledged
C. Greater distance; lack of mutuality
D. Confidential, fantasy, consideration of pros and cons of divorce
E. Development of strategy for separation
F. Feelings: fear, denial, anxiety, guilt, love, anger, depression, grief

II. EXPRESSING DISSATISFACTION (8-12 months before invoking legal process)

A. Expressing discontent or ambivalence to other party

B. Marital counseling, or
C. Possible honeymoon phase (one last try)
D. Feelings: relief (that it's out in the open), tension, emotional roller coaster, guilt, anguish, doubt,
grief

III. DECIDING TO DIVORCE (6-12 months before invoking legal process)

A. Creating emotional distance (i.e., disparaging the other person/situation in order to leave it)
B. Seldom reversible (because it's been considered for awhile)
C. Likely for an affair to occur
D. Other person just begins Stage I (considering divorce) and feels denial, depressed, rejected, low
self-esteem, anger
E. Both parties feel victimized by the other
F. Feelings: anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, anxiety for the family, the future, impatience with
other, needy

IV. ACTING ON DECISION (beginning the legal process)

A. Physical separation
B. Emotional separation (complicated by emotional flareups)
C. Creating redefinition (self orientation)
D. Going public with the decision
E. Setting the tone for the divorce process (getting legal advice and setting legal precedent: children,
support, home)
F. Choosing sides and divided loyalties of friends and families
G. Usually when the children find out (they may feel responsible, behave in ways to make parents
interact)
H. Feelings: traumatized, panic, fear, shame, guilt, blame, histrionics

V. GROWING ACCEPTANCE (during the legal process or after)

A. Adjustments: physical, emotional

B. Accepting that the marriage wasn't happy or fulfilling
C. Regaining a sense of power and control, creating a plan for the future, creating a new identity,
discovering new talents and resources
D. This is the best time to be in mediation: parties can look forward and plan for the future; moods
can be more elevated (thrill of a second chance at life)

VI. NEW BEGINNINGS (completing the legal process to four years after)

A. Parties have moved beyond the blame and anger to forgiveness, new respect, new roles
B. Experiences: insight, acceptance, integrity.Comparing Mediation and Litigation

Why is mediation a compassionate and appropriate venue for helping people in divorce? On the
average, it takes family members approximately four to eight years to recover from the emotional and
financial expense of a bitter adversarial divorce. In an adversarial divorce, there is no possible
resolution of the emotional issues, only decreased trust and increased resentment.

A litigated divorce can cost each party $5,000 to $35,000. The focus is on assigning blame and
fault and skirmishing for the most powerful position (changing locks, freezing bank accounts, getting
temporary custody of the children). Communications between parties break down. Negotiations
proceed through attorneys and are strategic and positioned. Attorneys have an ethical responsibility to
zealously advocate for the best interest of their client. Often there is no consideration of the best
interests of the children or recognition for the need for parties to have an ongoing relationship because
they have children, friends, extended family, and community together. Going to court is an expensive
risk; someone who does not know you makes decisions for you that will affect your whole life.

Mediators may save clients thousands of dollars in immediate and future legal and counseling
fees. Mediators can focus parties on creating their best possible future and help parties resolve their
emotional issues for the best interests of their children and their own psychological well being.
Mediators can help parties feel understood, accept responsibility for the failure of the marriage and,
when there are children, begin to reshape their relationship from one of partners to coparents.
Mediators can empower clients by helping them be at their best (rather than their worst) during a
challenging time in their lives, enable them to have an active role in their separating (creative choice
vs. court imposition), create a clear and understandable road map for the future, make informed
decisions, and to look back at their behavior in the mediation of their divorce with integrity and self
respect.

Typical Reactions of Children to Divorce

Much of children's post-divorce adjustment is dependent on (1) the quality of their relationship
with each parent before the divorce, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the
parents' ability to focus on the needs of the children in the divorce. Typically, children whose parents
are going through a rough divorce engage in behaviors which are designed to help them feel secure.
What follows are some typical experiences of children to divorce and separation:

A. DENIAL

This especially occurs in young children and surfaces as story telling (Mommy and Daddy and
me going to Disneyland; we're moving into a duplex and Daddy will live next door; they will also have
reconciliation fantasies).

B. ABANDONMENT

When parents separate, children worry who will take care of them. They are afraid they too are
divorceable and will be abandoned by one or both of their parents. This problem is worsened by one
or both parents taking the children into their confidence, talking about the other parent in front of the
children, using language like "Daddy is divorcing us," being late for pick-up, or abducting the children.
Children who are feeling insecure will say things to a parent which is intended to evoke a mama
bear/papa bear response (a demonstration of protectiveness). If children do not have "permission" to
have a good relationship with the other parent, or if they think they need to "take care of" one of their
parents in the divorce, they are likely to end up having feelings of divided loyalties between their parents
or, in the extreme, they may become triangulated with one parent against the other parent.

C. PREOCCUPATION WITH INFORMATION

Children will want details of what is happening and how it affects them. Communication from the
parents needs to be unified and age appropriate.

D. ANGER AND HOSTILITY

Children may express anger and hostility with peers, siblings, or parents. School performance
may be impaired. Hostility of children toward parents is often directed at the parent perceived to be at
fault. Hostility turned inward looks like depression in children.

E. DEPRESSION
 Lethargy, sleep and eating disturbances, acting out, social withdrawal, physical injury (more
common in adolescents).

F. IMMATURITY/HYPERMATURITY

Children may regress to an earlier developmental stage when they felt assured of both parents'
love. They may do some "baby-talk" or wet their beds. Children may become "parentified" by what they
perceive to be the emotional and physical needs of their parents ("Someone needs to be in charge
here.")

G. PREOCCUPATION WITH RECONCILIATION

The more conflict there is between the parents, the longer children hold onto the notion of their
parents' reconciliation. It is clear that the parents are not "getting on" with their lives. Children will often
act out in ways which force their parents to interact (negatively or positively). Children whose parents
were very conflictual during the marriage often mistake the strong emotions of conflict with intimacy.
They see the parents as engaged in an intimate relationship.

H. BLAME AND GUILT

Because so much marital conflict may be related to the stress of parenting, children often feel
responsible for their parents' divorce--they feel that somehow their behavior contributed to it. This is
especially true when parents fight during exchanges of the children or in negotiating schedules: children
see that parents are fighting over them. They may try to bargain their parents back together by promises
of good behavior; they may have difficulty with transitions or refuse to go with the other parent.

I. ACTING OUT

Children will often act out their own and their parents' anger. In an attempt to survive in a hostile
environment, children will often take the side of the parent they are presently with. This may manifest
in refusals to talk to the other parent on the phone or reluctance to share time with the other parent.
Adolescents will typically act out in ways similar to how the parents are acting out.

In summary, expect that children will test a parent's loyalty, experience loyalty binds, not want
to hurt either parent, force parents to interact because they don't want the divorce, try to exert some
power in the situation, express anger over the divorce, occasionally refuse to go with the other parent
(normal divorce stress, loyalty conflict/triangulation, or they may simply not want to stop doing what
they're doing at the moment--similar to the reaction we've all gotten when we pick our children up from
child care, or we want to go home from the park).

The most common problem which arise tend to stem from triangulation, divided loyalties, and
projection. Some indicators of each are:

a. Triangulation: Child refuses to have time with the other parent or talk to the other parent on the
phone, child badmouths the other parent.

b. Divided loyalties: When a child tells each parent different and opposing things about what they
want it is a good indication that the child is trying to please both parents and is experiencing divided
loyalties.

c. Projection: Children are barometers of a parent's emotional well-being. Usually a parent reporting
the stress of a child can not see that the child is acting on the parent's anxiety. Parents should ask
themselves how they are feeling about the divorce, the other parent, and the time sharing arrangements
before assuming the child is having difficulty adjusting or assuming the problem is with the other
household.

Signs of Stress in Children

Sometimes parents need help identifying stress in children, especially little ones. What follows
are some typical experiences and signs of stress in children of different ages.

I. INFANTS AND TODDLERS:

A. Regression in terms of sleeping, toilet training or eating; slowing down in the mastery of new skills
B. Sleep disturbances (difficulty gong to sleep; frequent waking)
C. Difficulty leaving parent; clinginess
D. General crankiness, temper tantrums, crying.

II. THREE TO FIVE YEARS:

A. Regression: returning to security blankets and discarded toys, lapses in toilet training, thumb
sucking
B. Immature grasp of what has happened; bewildered; making up fantasy stories
C. Blaming themselves and feeling guilty
D. Bedtime anxiety; fitful/fretful sleep; frequent waking
E. Fear of being abandoned by both parents; clinginess
F. Greater irritability, aggression, temper tantrums.

III. SIX TO EIGHT YEARS:

A. Pervasive sadness; feeling abandoned and rejected

B. Crying and sobbing
C. Afraid of their worst fears coming true
D. Reconciliation fantasies
E. Loyalty conflicts; feeling physically torn apart
F. Problems with impulse control; disorganized behavior.

IV. NINE TO TWELVE YEARS:

A. Able to see family disruption clearly; try to bring order to situation

B. Fear of loneliness
C. Intense anger at the parent they blame for causing the divorce
D. Physical complaints; headaches and stomach aches
E. May become overactive to avoid thinking about the divorce
F. Feel ashamed of what's happening in their family; feel they are different from other children.

V. ADOLESCENTS:

A. Fear of being isolated and lonely

B. Experience parents as leaving them; feel parents are not available to them
C. Feel hurried to achieve independence
D. Feel in competition with parents
E. Worry about their own future loves and marriage; preoccupied with the survival of relationships
F. Discomfort with a parent's dating and sexuality
G. Chronic fatigue; difficulty concentrating
H. Mourn the loss of the family of their childhood.
https://oureverydaylife.com/negative-effects-divorce-8083885.html
The Negative Effects of a Divorce
by Allison Westbrook
According to information from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the divorce and
annulment rate in 2009 was 3.5 divorces for every 1,000 people in the U.S. population. Though divorce
is culturally prevalent in the United States, its negative economic and health effects on families are
often felt for many years.
Economic
Divorce has many economic disadvantages, both on the personal and national level. A study
conducted by four family and marriage advocacy organizations suggests that divorce and family
fragmentation costs American taxpayers more than $112 billion every year. The legal process of divorce
itself can cost thousands of dollars, not to mention additional legal costs to enforce the divorce
settlement agreement in some situations. Furthermore, both men and women suffer financially after a
divorce, though women incur the most financial strain with an average 30 percent decline in their
standard of living, as reported by Pamela J. Smock in her demography, "The Economic Costs of Marital
Disruption for Young Women over the Past Two Decades."
Well-Being
The effects of divorce reach far beyond money. There are many health consequences related
to divorce that can affect a fragmented family both mentally and physically. Studies published in the
"American Journal of Sociology" and the "Journal of Marriage and the Family" suggest that divorced
men in most developed countries have twice the premature mortality rate of married men, and divorced
women are also more likely to die at an early age than married women. Additionally, the years following
a divorce present a greater risk of depression and other mental health disorders.
Children
The effects of divorce on children depend on the age of the child at the time of the divorce.
According to the University of New Hampshire, infants and toddlers seem to experience the fewest
effects from a parent's divorce, though many may experience appetite suppression or moodiness.
Children older than 3, however, have greater difficulty adjusting to the separation and might believe
that they are somehow responsible for their parents' divorce. Both elementary-aged children and
adolescents might act out with anger or suffer from mental anguish or depression. Some might
experience divided loyalty between their divorced parents.
Helping Children Adjust
Parents can do a lot to help their children adjust to divorce. Ex-spouses should minimize their
conflict and avoid speaking negatively of each other in front of their children. Talking with children about
the effects of the divorce might help alleviate fears of the future and reassure insecure children of their
innocence in causing their parents' separation. Some children might need counseling or help from a
support group. Though divorced adults are no longer married, they remain co-parents to their children
and should do their best to maintain consistency in discipline and school involvement.
http://theweek.com/articles/466107/9-negative-effects-divorce-reportedly-children
9 negative effects divorce reportedly has on children
By Lauren Hansen
Divorce is hardly an exception anymore. In fact, with the rate of marriage steadily dipping over
the past decade, and the divorce rate holding steady, you are likely to know more previously married
couples than those who are legally bound. Accompanying this trend are multiple studies analyzing the
effects that divorce has on children. And the results aren't good, even if the stigma of divorce has faded.
Here, 9 negative effects divorce reportedly has on children:
1. Smoking habits
In a study published in the March 2013 edition of Public Health, researchers at the University of
Toronto found that both sons and daughters of divorced families are significantly more likely to begin
smoking than peers whose parents are married. In an analysis of 19,000 Americans, men whose
parents divorced before they turned 18 had 48 percent higher odds of smoking than men with intact
families. Women had 39 percent higher odds of picking up the habit. Lead author Esme Fuller-Thomson
called the link "very disturbing."
2. Ritalin use
Dr. Strohschein, a sociologist at the University of Alberta, wanted to know what was behind the
increase in children prescriptions for Ritalin over the past two decades. And so, in 2007, she analyzed
data from a survey that was conducted between 1994 and 2000. In it, 5,000 children who did not use
Ritalin, and were living in two-parent households, were interviewed. Over the six years, 13.2 percent of
those kids experienced divorce. Of those children, 6.6 percent used Ritalin. Of the children living in
intact households, 3.3 percent used Ritalin. Strohschein suggests that stress from the divorce could
have altered the children's mental health, and caused a dependence on Ritalin.
3. Poor math and social skills
A 2011 study by the University of Wisconsin-Madison found that children of divorced parents
often fall behind their classmates in math and social skills, and are more likely to suffer anxiety, stress,
and low self-esteem. The reason that math skills are affected is likely because learning math is
cumulative. "If I do not understand that one plus one is two," lead researcher Hyun Sik Kim says, "then
I cannot understand multiplication." Kim says it is unlikely that children of divorce will be able to catch
up with their peers who live in more stable families.
4. Susceptibility to sickness
In 1990, Jane Mauldon of the University of California at Berkeley found that children of divorce
run a 35 percent risk of developing health problems, compared with a 26 percent risk among all children.
Mauldon suggests their susceptibility to illness is likely due to "very significant stress" as their lives
change dramatically. Divorce can also reduce the availability of health insurance, and may lead to a
loss of certain factors that contribute to good health, including constant adult supervision and a safe
environment. The risk of health problems is higher than average during the first four years after a family
separation, but, curiously, can actually increase in the years following.
5. An increased likelihood of dropping out of school
A 2010 study found that more than 78 percent of children in two-parent households graduated
from high school by the age of 20. However, only 60 percent of those who went through a big family
change — including divorce, death, or remarriage — graduated in the same amount of time. The
younger a child is during the divorce, the more he or she may be affected. Also, the more change
children are forced to go through, like a divorce followed by a remarriage, the more difficulty they may
have finishing school.
6. A propensity for crime
In 2009, the law firm Mishcon de Reya polled 2,000 people who had experienced divorce as a
child in the preceding 20 years. And the results did not paint a positive picture of their experiences. The
subjects reported witnessing aggression (42 percent), were forced to comfort an upset parent (49
percent), and had to lie for one or the other (24 percent). The outcome was one in 10 turned to crime,
and 8 percent considered suicide.
7. Higher risk of stroke
In 2010, researchers from the University of Toronto found a strong link between divorce and
adult risk of stroke. However, the vast majority of adults whose parents divorced did not have strokes.
"Let's make sure we don't have mass panic," said lead researcher Esme Fuller-Thompson. "We don't
know divorce causes stroke, we just know this association exists." She says the relationship could be
due to exposure to stress, which can change a child's physiology. She also noted that the time at which
these children experienced divorce was in the 1950s, when it wasn't as socially accepted as it is today.
8. Greater chance of getting divorced
University of Utah research Nicholas H. Wolfinger in 2005 released a study showing that children
of divorce are more likely to divorce as adults. Despite aspiring to stable relationships, children of
divorce are more likely to marry as teens, as well as marry someone who also comes from a divorced
family. Wolfinger's research suggests that couples in which one spouse has divorced parents may be
up to twice as likely to divorce. If both partners experienced divorce as children they are three times
more likely to divorce themselves. Wolfinger said one of the reasons is that children from unstable
families are more likely to marry young.
9. An early death
And rounding out the dreary research is an eight-decade study and book called The Longevity
Project by Howard Friedman and Leslie Martin. Starting in 1921, researchers tracked some 1,500 boys
and girls throughout their lives. More than one-third of the participants experienced either parental
divorce or the death of a parent before the age of 21. But it was only the children of divorced families
who died on average almost five years earlier than children whose parents did not divorce. The deaths
were from causes both natural and unnatural, but men were more likely to die of accidents or violence.
Generally, divorce lowered the standard of living for the children, which made a particular difference in
the life longevity of women.