An Amazing Play

By
George Pantazes

A true story

2010 Don’t call me.

 Cast of Characters
Charles Donogood Partydog A regular old college guy.
Monkeyface Is A Cool Guy:
Whitney Gerard Fiddle Faddle A girl with a strange
Giddiams: affinity to the high occult
powers, and writing skills.
No Sense: A character whose existence
was brought about on the
basis of no sense. He
is sarcastic and overly
smartass, but he’s not even
that cool.
Shutup: A character based on the
phrase "shut up." He is
pretty chill.

God: He wrote this play. He’s not

that great. Sortof a bad god,
when you get down to it.
Voice 1: He’s a weird subatomic voice
spirit. He’s allergic to
shellfish.
Voice 2: Mute in most situations,
plays trumpet, but then
he talks to much and is
sortof creepy. But he’s cool
overall.
Voice 3 aka GARY: Gary is a fucking faggot.
If you see him, tell him he
sucks donkey dick.

Jimmy Thing: A go-getting tennis player

who belongs to the same
country club as Charles
father. He is cocky and
stuck up but buys muffins
for everyone on a regular
basis so no who brings up the
fact that he’s a cocky cock.
(MORE)
 Cast of Characters (cont’d)
Charles Fathers: Serves absolutely no purpose
except to relate Charles to
Jimmy Thing

God of the 4th Plane: He’s the God of God. I know

it’s a difficult concept but
you can probably handle it
right?
 ACT I
Scene 1
Stuff happens in italics as nobody gives a shit
forever. People walk in and out. People die.
People starve and fall in love and die in each
others embrace while stabbing each other in the
back. Literally.
Yes.

CHARLES
Hey you guys I was wondering what I should say at all.
This is all quite interesting and I’m not exactly sure
what’s going on.

WHITNEY
Well Charles (Donogood Partydog Monkeyface Is A Cool
Guy), shut your stupid face because this play makes
absolutely no sense. No SENSE.
NO SENSE
Well I think I make plenty of sense. I think
SHUTUP
Shutup.
CHARLES
Hey yea, Shutup is right. He’s totally right. He’s
completely and utterly right. I think. Yea, he’s really
good. Like wow.
WHITNEY
Charles, can you please shut your trap?!? God!!!
SHUTUP
Shutup, that’s my job.
NO SENSE
This makes no sense. I am the most nonsensical one
here.
WHITNEY
Where are we?!?!??!

And the characters realize that what is happening

is on a piece of paper in the mind of an extremely
tired teenager with no skill for play making
whatsoever. He decides everything and is the GOD
for these children of the intellect. The children
find this very disconcerting.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

CHARLES
You know, I don’t like having a tangible god very much.
it’s very disconcerting. DISCONCERTING, MUCH?
GOD
Yes, my child. Gerard, I mean... Whitney. Yes. You,
child. Come to me.... Yes, that’s right. You are now
the child of god and the blessed Messiah of the paper
people.
SHUTUP
Shutup!
NO SENSE
This makes absolutely no sense!!!!!! I can’t believe
this!!! Wait, why are we here?

WHITNEY
Because God wrote us here.
NO SENSE
No I mean, I wasn’t even talking to you. Shutup.

SHUTUP
Yea, shutup.
NO SENSE
Shutup Shutup.

SHUTUP
I’ll shutup.
NO SENSE
God, I want to talk directly to you. Why are we here?

GOD
No need to get metaphysical and existentialist and all
of that shit, No Sense. Just, you know, sit with it.
Savor it. Or just die. I can smite you.

NO SENSE
That makes no sense. Absolutely-
No Sense was thus smitten by GOD.
NO SENSE
The sad thing about that is that... it makes no sense.
I can’t be smitten by god... doesn’t that mean that I’m
infatuated with you or something? Why is our god a
retard.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

GOD
[Thundering] I knowingly made the wording like that,
you craven fool!
WHITNEY
God, I hear that any play ever written by anyone is
complete shit unless it’s already good.
NO SENSE
That makes no sense!

GOD
Of course it doesn’t but that’s how it is, little
darlings. Now go watch an old movie and do my bidding
like good little children.
The children then go off to do god’s bidding,
which is to watch an old film. They choose The
Hunchback of Notre Dame (1939), staring Charles
Laughton as Quasimodo. It was a good film. God
nodded in approval.
SHUTUP
But I didn’t like that movie.
NO SENSE
Shutup.
SHUTUP
No, you shutup!
GOD
No, Shutup, you’re Shutup!

CHARLES
I need to get a beer because this is honestly, oh wait
not a beer. I don’t drink. Get me a coke zero please.
GOD
I don’t cater to spoiled craven fools.

CHARLES
I was talking to Whitney.
NO SENSE
Oh shit let’s bring up some gender-role issues!

GOD
Shutup, and Shutup? Shutup! Preemptive strike! Take
that craven fools!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

CHARLES
I really hate this place. Can someone please give me a
beverage so I can have a slight semblance of normality
or at least I can pretend to be inebriated or
something. Ugh, this is horrible. I want to die. Guess
who has manic depressive disorder?
SHUTUP
I have a good idea.
GOD
Shutup, you are the favorite because you actually said
something different. I like you.
WHITNEY
What about me god? What about your special celestial
daughter of the heavens to inhabit the soul of the
messiah? What ever happened to destiny in this world?
Why can’t we all just live through the courses of our
lives and have a great day even though our god is a
bumbling old fool who doesn’t have any idea how to
write a play and I get to enter a monologue for
absolutely no reason. Yes, I make no sense, No Sense,
but honestly I’d also appreciate if everyone including
Shutup shut up. When I was born unto this white page, I
didn’t believe that it would be in this trivial fashion
where nobody will ever give a fucking crap [gasps from
the other characters] unless our stupid god puts it up
on facebook for people to not appreciate. God doesn’t
have any friends so obviously facebook wouldn’t really
work for him at all, and what’s with the modern
technological age where nobody gives a damn about
communication? I personally just spent the better part
of an our working on a letter to my best friend across
the imaginary country in which I live to tell him that
I am stuck in this stupid hellhole of imagination that
doesn’t have any structure or reason and it’s all just
the most imbecilic thing I’ve ever beheld with my 8
eyes of the mighty spider. Gosh, I didn’t even get any
character development! Foolish! Well I’ll take it into
my own hands. I am a mighty spider. I have all the
great powers of the spider but I have the body of a
human woman because that’s what it means to be mighty
apparently. I don’t know, but I’m a hot spider, that’s
for sure. I have very large breasts, even though
spiders don’t typically have any breasts at all, but
the irony is that while I’m hot, I have an exoskeleton
so good luck actually appreciating it. Nothing shows.
It’s sorta like I’m Samus Aran from the critically
acclaimed novels Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater and
Tyrannosaurus Rex meets and eats: Justin Beiber. I
don’t exactly know what I’m saying anymore, so I’ll
just leave off with my favorite food. I just looove to
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

WHITNEY (cont’d)
eat naughty little boys. I think this is a perfect
opportunity to quote something without copyright. How
about my own stuff? I wrote this a while ago. It’s
pretty cool. Check out my work!

And Whitney busted out a book from subspace. The

book is colored red with the hues of fresh blood
and eyeballs spill out of its pages without a sign
of stopping. Profuse amounts of blood and bile are
spilling from the book no matter if closed or
opened and generally it brings forth the image of
hell. Give or take flames. Whatever.
Scene 2: A visit from an old friend
from the great old white North

A void of pure whiteness exists. The audience

looks into it and suddenly hears footsteps, clear,
crisp, as if the person walking was confidently
marching in tap shoes. The walking never ceases,
gets slightly closer, and stops. The white void is
still the only thing the audience can see.

VOICE 1
This is what Canada looks like.
Silence for exactly 30 seconds.

VOICE 1
This is what my heart looks like.
The walking starts again, but after 5 steps it
stops.

VOICE 1
This is what my mind looks like!
The footsteps are now running, fainter then
stronger as if the tap-shoed person was running in
circles right in front of the audience, or running
back and forth. After an indeterminate amount of
time (1-40 minutes), panting is heard.
VOICE 1
AAAAAAAAGH!

The sound of a body hitting the floor is heard.

Writhing on the floor is heard. A trumpet call
playing the main melody Ride of the Valkyries is
heard. All of the actors backstage are heard
laughing. The audience joins in?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

VOICE 1
Where is my companion?
VOICE 2
...

VOICE 1
Where is my companion? My friend? Are you there?!
VOICE 2
!!!

VOICE 1
Why won’t you respond??? WHERE ARE YOU??
VOICE 2
!!! :( ... !

VOICE 1
I’m DYING!!!
VOICE 2
???

VOICE 1
Come on!!! PLEASE!!!!!
A light bulb flashes over Voice 2’s head. Except
for he can’t be seen, so an "idea" sound is heard.

Voice 2 plays the trumpet for dialogue from now

on.
VOICE 2
C CG!

VOICE 1
Ah, my faithful friend! You’re there. I was worried for
a second. Well, more than a second. I am afraid. Afraid
that I will soon be DEAD.

VOICE 2
Lip slur Ghost note upward?
VOICE 1
Because! I am deathly allergic to shellfish, and
goshdarnit, I ate peanut butter earlier!
VOICE 2
Ghost note Ghost note lip slur upwards>downwards?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

VOICE 1
Well, you see, my dear friend, shellfish and peanuts
are all processed in the same building somewhere in
Mexico or India or something and thus my quantum
strings are swelling. I’m going to suffocate.
VOICE 2
High note down slur!

VOICE 1
Yes, my dear friend. I have to leave this void. It is
too cruel an existence in this timespace. I will leave
you to twofold eternity here while your subatomic
levels disintegrate and then maybe we can meet again in
the gluon of the proton of the Neon of the bar near
Jon’s house in Weed, California. I hear it’s a nicer
place than the Canadian void, anyway. I mean, Ontario
didn’t suit my electromagnetics so well.
VOICE 2
Trumpet sounds of agreement, soft slurs down, and
nodding (sounds)
VOICE 1
Oh crap, I separated. Farewell my friend.
VOICE 2
Goodbye! Oops! I mean! Trumpet sounds high and
wavering, as if saying goodbye.
The sound of the trumpet is heard, but then it
sounds muffled, and the soft clink of the bell
touching the ground is heard. Seconds later, the
clank of metal hitting the ground is heard and a
metal mouthpiece rolls out from the void in front
of the audience.
VOICE 2
Alas, farewell, my friend, my dear companion, my one
and only true love. For we were homosexual quarks in
the subatomic structure of this infinitely large and
small universe, and we too had the imaginations,
emotions, and minds of those who think themselves more
meaty than us. For it is not only meat that can think.
Each atom, each electron, each photon, each
infinitesimal peace of matter has its own heat and
life, its own purpose, its own destiny. And though you
die, my lover, my playtoy, I shall remember just as I
remember those who fall prey to the alternate currents
and direct currents of living, the draw of magnetic
suicide, and the plasma fires of hell. Please forgive
me for everything but I’m afraid I cannot burn your
image, for it would take far too much data. You are to
be left still to the void.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

VOICE 1
You are a dick, you know that?

VOICE 2
No, I’m not. Jeez. Now we get to hang out more.
VOICE 1
I just died, and since you didn’t pay me proper
respects I drift in the subatomic currents of Canada
once again! You are quite the asshole.
VOICE 2
I guess it’s just one of my quarks! Eh?
VOICE 1
[Laughs] Oh you...
VOICE 2
I can keep them coming. You know you never really were
the Cassupernova.

VOICE 1
That wasn’t that good.
VOICE 2
Oh, I guess the astrological joke is broken. I guess I
better put some gluon!

VOICE 1
Seriously, I’m done.
Silence. Then giggling. Then loud laughter, until
Voice 1 can be heard crying from laughter.

VOICE 1
Actually that was pretty good. I don’t know why I was
laughing.

VOICE 3
Hey guys! Do you want to go to the movies? I hear they
are showing [Insert current popular over hyped
mainstream AAA blockbuster movie here].
BOTH VOICE 1 AND 2
[With great irritation and annoyance, but with the
confident and triumphant ease of having said it a
million times]Shut the fuck up Gary!
Curtains close on the white void. A ghostly hand
of vibrating air and particles, like real life
static, reaches through the curtains and grabs the
mouthpiece. A "yea!" and a high five is heard
behind the curtains and Gary is crying. Then all
goes silent.
 9.

Scene 3: A Return to Nonormalcy

Curtains open. Whitney closes up her book of hell
manifest, and all of the fire, bile, flames,
magma, etc gets instantly sucked back up into the
book. Charles looks on with empty eye sockets with
holes like the abyss, streaks of blood running
down his face like tears. The epitome of terror
shows on his face. He falls over, apparently dead
or something. God just sits in a throne bored, No
Sense and Shutup are playing rock paper scissors
and chess at the same time. Ragtime piano music
comes on in the background, happy and upbeat.
God snaps his fingers.
GOD
I’ve got it!
WHITNEY
What is it?

GOD
Since I so god-awfully failed with this play-universe,
I should go make a better one.
WHITNEY
Don’t you even care about MY awesome play?

GOD
No. Now shutup. I’m saying, what if real god screwed up
humanity before he made us? Like a prehumanity that
sort of... well, you know, came out handicapped.

NO SENSE
That’s some interesting insight there, god. Assuming
God is anything like you, he probably had to write a
middleman god to be perfect for him, and thus humanity
would exist only in a second layer of fiction, right?

GOD
No Sense, that’s too dense. I don’t think that would
happen. Not even I can write a god that is perfect to
write a completely legitimate universe!

NO SENSE
No, it’s actually super easy. Say I was... writing the
bible. I would write, as a basis per se, "God was
absolutely all powerful and perfect and he created the
world." It would be true in its own context and in that
parallel universe just created, wouldn’t it be
absolutely true and overarching so that it couldn’t be
refuted whatsoever?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.

GOD
You are so indefatigable No Sense, but you are...
right, in a weird nonexistent way.
NO SENSE
It’s sort of like Whitney’s writing, where those two
atomic spirits were living in a made up Canada. Due to
her writing, in that specific universe, that must be
what Canada is like: blank and white, like a void of
subatomic desolation.

GOD
No, I’ve been there. That’s what Canada is really like.
NO SENSE
Ah, well then. I stand corrected.

SHUTUP
I don’t like my nickname, can I change it?
GOD
Sure, but why did they call you Shutup in the first
place?

SHUTUP
Oh no, that’s my real name. They keep calling me
Stupi-head, saying it’s my nickname.
CHARLES
[Oh face and ragged breathing, as if his very soul was
sucked out of him. His eyes are the hollow abyss of
darkness that only comes of seeing an evil not meant
for human eyes.]

SHUTUP
That’s a great idea Charles!
ENTER GARY
GARY
Hey you guys!
Everybody groans audibly. An empty paint bucket
from off stage is hurled and hits Gary in the head
with a loud clang. He flinches and holds his head
while everybody laughs, on and off stage,
exaggeratedly and evilly.
GARY
Oh, you guys... You’re all so funny. So dang funny.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.

God pulls out a gun (handgun, but large shotgun or

rifle is acceptable) and shoots Gary through the
back. Everybody laughs while Gary falls to the
floor and blood streams from the wound.

GARY
[Writhing in pain] Hahaowowowowhahaha, oh jeez [breaths
in quickly through teeth in pain] haha, you guys are
so, agh! Funny! Haha ah agh agh [Coughs up large
amounts of blood.]

The audience is completely silent as this pitiful

scene plays out, and all available actors and
staff in play are laughing. People laugh from the
exits of the theatre. People laugh in from the
loudspeakers and a fat man wearing a clown suit
walks across the stage nonchalantly laughing
robustly into a megaphone. He disappears off
stage. If anyone is reading this play, they should
also too laugh at this point, or die. You must
laugh. YOU. YES YOU.

GARY
Guys, agh, I think [cough] that you went a bit too far
that [hack] time. I think [blek hak hak as his voice
rattles and he spits up blood] you went... a bit...
too... far...

Gary dies dramatically. God steps up off of his

throne, and strides down to his body. He lays Gary
out straight gently and tenderly, with the rest of
the characters looking on in respect. No Sense and
Shutup pick up ceremonial muskets and start
performing the traditional death ceremony for
soldiers. God lovingly smiles upon Gary’s bloodied
corpse, and uses his gentle hand to close Gary’s
eyelids. Gary looks at peace, as his mouth is no
longer in the twist of agony it was seconds
earlier. God starts to turn away, then SUDDENLY
TURNS and SMACKS GARY’S CORPSE IN THE FACE!
Everybody instantly cheers and starts dancing, and
No Sense and Shutup drop their muskets in their
joy. Everybody involved with the play at all then
comes out on the stage, no matter what they were
doing or if they were in the middle of dressing.
Everybody dances around Gary’s dead body and
everybody calls for the audience to join in. As
soon as somebody from the audience gets near the
stage to join the dancing, everybody stops.
Complete silence, and stare down those who rose
from the audience to join.

While the staredown and silence progresses, the

curtains close.
 12.

ACT 2
An unexpected turn of events!!!
God is sitting at a computer typing. Then he
stops. He stares at the screen for an
indeterminate amount of time. (1-40 minutes?)
He yawns and closes his screen (it’s a laptop!)
GOD
This play sucks.
GOD OF THE 4TH PLANE
(Resoundingly, as if it’s like super
awesome or something. Like really. I
can’t describe the awesomeness.)
No youngling, this play does not suck. It’s actually
pretty funny.
GOD
Holy shit what was that??

GOD OF THE 4TH PLANE

Calm down youngling, I am the God of the 4th Plane, the
creator of your fledgeling universe. And you. And you
sir, are a testament to the awesome. That play was
awesome.

GOD
Then I can just be done with it?
GOD OF THE 4TH PLANE
Yeaaaaaaaaa. Pretty much.

GOD
(Referencing Bill and Tedd)
Awesome!
Electric Guitar sounds of epicness resound.

Suddenly all the characters come out on stage. ALL

OF THEM. Even the fat and robustly laughing clown.
In addition, the stage is flooded with people
wearing fingerless gloves and various colorful
dance suits. Everybody starts to dance as someone
brings out a "boombox".
Dancing goes on, and then the dancers rip off some
clothes and throw chunks of vegetables (fresh!!!)
at the audience, not maliciously, but still trying
to pelt them for fun.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.

Curtains close.
GOD OF THE 4TH PLANE
Thank GOD I got that bitch to shutup!
The audience laughs like a sitcom audience. Or do
the characters laugh? We’ll never know.
The author saves this file as a pdf and washes his
hands of it. He thanks you for reading this play.
Now go stop wasting your life and go watch a
Disney movie or kiss a girl or something (both
genders included, no sexism!)Yea seriously I’m so
fed up with this piece of crap.
Goodnight.
 14.

THE END
THE END
THE END

THE END
THE END
That’s the end of it folks. Seriously.

That’s all there is.