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80 MONTY (Cont'd) OH, YOU ARE VAIN, AND YOU'RE HEARTLESS, AND YET, ICAN FEEL IN YOU A SHADE OF SADNESS. THAT'S BARELY DETECTABLE. THAT I STILL WANT YOU AT ALL IMAY LIVE TO REGRET. YOU'RE DECEITFUL. YOU'RE DELECTABL YOU SEE THE FATE OF A MAN WHO HAS HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO SPEND HIS LIFE CAUGHT IN YOUR SWAY, ISEE SIBELLA. MY SIBELLA. AND I LIKE HER THAT WAY. YES, I LIKE HER JUST THAT WAY. (HE kisses her passionately.) AND I WANT YOU THAT WAY. MONTY (Cont'd) Have you time for a glass of sherry? SIBELLA Lionel will expect me to be home when he arrives. (SHE begins to dress.) MONTY Iwonder ... what would you do, Sibella, if / were to marry? SIBELLA Forbid it, MONTY ‘You think that would be effective? SIBELLA Ifit were not, I should never speak to you again. MONTY Do you mean that? SIBELLA 1 suppose it would depend on whom you married, and whether you married for love, or — rasisra01s 81 MONTY Or self-interest, you mean, (SIBELLA lets out a sigh.) SIBELLA. 1 suppose there is something in marrying for love. 1 thought I was in love with Lionel. At least a litle MONTY To do you justice, Sibella, I believe you did. Perhaps if we'd married, we'd have become bored with each other. Eventually. SIBELLA Do you really think so? MONTY There's all the difference in the world in being able to see a woman when you want to and being obliged to see her when you don't (SIBELLA finds this unsettling.) SIBELLA I'm not at all sure I appreciate your attitude. (A beat.) ‘Monty ... I've been wondering something. Now that you're so cozy with the D'Ysquiths, I wonder if you couldn't get Lionel an invitation to Highhurst. MONTY Lionel? Or you? SIBELLA, It’s all for Lionel, It would seem he has political aspirations. Perhaps I am being a bit presumptuous, asking for a favor. For my husband. MONTY Not at all. It's only that, I could scarcely put in a good word for Lionel, when I haven't had an introduction to the Earl myself. I would help you, if I could. SIBELLA Iknow you would. Of course, Lionel is not without resources of his own, Well see which of us is invited to Highhurst before the other, won't we? (The doorbell rings. MONTY and SIBELLA go into a panic.) SIBELLA (Cont'd) Who could that be? rasno1s 82 MONTY Thaven't the foggiest — quick, go into the bedroom, shut the door, be very still. ENE 2A #17 __ "I'VE DECIDED TO MARRY YOU" (SIBELLA does just that. MONTY takes a deep breath before HE opens the door — to reveal PHOEBE D'YSQUITH, looking very beautiful and dressed now in half-mourning.) MONTY (Contd) Miss D'Ysquith...! PHOEBE (Excited:) MR. NAVARRO! FORGIVE MY INTRUSION! MONTY ‘This is so unexpected, PHOEBE INEEDED TO SEE YOU, AND SEE YOU TODAY! (HE steps aside so SHE can enter.) MONTY Yes, of course. PHOEBE MISTER NAVARRO! MISTER NAVARRO! 1 HAVE ARRIVED AT A STUNNING CONCLUSION, AND I FEARED I WOULD LOSE MY RESOLVE, IF I DIDN'T COME HERE DIRECTLY TO SAY: I'VE DECIDED TO MARRY YOU! I'VE DECIDED TO MARRY YOU! I'VE DECIDED, THOUGH HENRY'S GONE, THAT LIFE GOES ON FOR ME! I HAVE THOROUGHLY THOUGHT IT THROUGH, AND THE MAN THAT I WANT IS YOU, THOUGH IT'S TRUE THERE ARE QUITE A FEW WHO'D STRONGLY DISAGREE! ajisi201s 83 PHOEBE (Cont'd) NONETHELESS, I WILL MARRY YOU! I CONFESS THAT I'M FRIGHTENED TO. BUT UNLESS I AM WRONG, YOU LONG FOR LOVE AS MUCH AS I! THIS IS QUITE UNCONVENTIONAL, 1 ADMIT, BUT WHY SHOULD THAT MATTER A WHIT? AND IF YOU DO NOT SAY YES AT ONCE, I THINK I'LL DIE! MONTY Miss D'Ysquith, you've rendered me speechless! May I call you Phoebe? (SIBELLA anxiously waits in the bedroom.) SIBELLA WHAT AM I DOING HERE? THIS COULD BE DANGEROUS. IF I'M DISCOVERED, IMAGINE THE SCANDAL, ANDI COULDN'T HANDLE A SCANDAL SO RISIBLE, I'LL STAY INVISIBLE, STILL AS CAN BE, BUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE? 1CAN HEAR VOICES, 1 RECOGNIZE MONTY, BUT IS THAT A WOMAN? AND IF THAT'S A WOMAN, THEN WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE? IS IT THE COUSIN? 1 WISH I COULD SEE! IF IT'S THAT COUSIN, IT MIGHT JUST BE BUSINESS. IT'S FAMILY BUSINESS, AND NONE OF MY BUSINESS, BUT WHY IS SHE HERE IN THE HOME OF A BACH'LOR? (A beat) OF COURSE, ONE COULD POINT OUT THAT I'M HERE AS WELL! laisnois 84, SIBELLA (Cont'd) BUT DOES SHE NOT REALIZE THIS SITUATION PUTS HER REPUATION SEVERELY IN QUESTION? THE MEREST SUGGESTION WOULD CAUSE A SENSATION AND I CANNOT HEAR, WHICH IS HELL! PHOEBE I'LL BE WARNED NOT TO MARRY You! I'LL BE SCORNED IF I MARRY YOU! STILL, I'VE DECIDED TO LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN! WHO'D BELIEVE HOW MY LIFE HAS TURNED? AFTER GRIEVING, I'VE QUICKLY LEARNED. THERE IS NOTHING CAN BEND THE WILL LIKE HALF-CASTILIAN MEN! AND THERE'S GOODNESS TO SPARE IN YOU. AND A GENTLENESS THERE IN ‘YOU. YOU HAVE TAKEN A WOUNDED BIRD AND TAUGHT HER HOW TO FLY! THIS IS QUITE UNCONVENTIONAL, ISIT NOT? RATHER A TURN IN THE PLOT. AND SO WILL I BE YOUR FIANCEE?! MONTY PHOEBE, DARLING! lanisois SIBELLA COULD GO HOME, 1 SHOULD GO HOME. ‘TO LIVE MY LIFE AND BE A WIFE AGAIN! I SHOULD BE OFF BUT HE MAKES ME LAUGH. NOTHING CAN BEND THE WILL LIKE HALF-CASTILIAN MEN! ISN'T THIS FUN? ISN'T SHE DONE? FAMILY BUSINESS, MY EYE! THIS IS QUITE UNCONVENTIONAL, ISIT NOT? RATHER A TURN IN THE PLOT. WHY DON'T YOU SEND THE COW AWAY? PHOEBE & SIBELLA WHEN I RECALL THIS DAY, I THINK I'LL CRY! (SIBELLA stumbles in the bedroom, making a noise.) PHOEBE ‘What was that?! MONTY ‘What was what? PHOEBE ‘That sound! Is there someone here? MONTY Oh, pay no attention, that’s... that's my new manservant, he's... finding his way around (MONTY opens the bedroom door a crack.) Tl be with you in a moment ... Wadsworth, (Singing, to AUDIENCE:) ISN'T THIS MADNESS? WHO COULD FORESEE HOW ONE TRICK OF TIMING COULD RUIN IT ALL? ONE IN THE PARLOR, ONE IN THE BEDROOM. NOTHING BETWEEN THEM BUT ME AND A WALL! LOOK AT PHOEBE! NOBLE AND PIOUS, MY ESTEEM FOR HER ONLY GROWS. BUT WHEN I AM WITH PHOEBE, 1 AM ON FIRE THINKING OF SIBELLA! FULL OF DESIRE, PASSION, AND DARE I SAY IT? LOVE! BUT WHEN I'M WITH SIBELLA, WHOM DO I ADMIRE? NONE BUT PHOEBE! PERFECT AND LOVELY, ansnots MONTY (Cont'd) WHO COULDN'T LOVE HER? HEAVEN KNOWS! ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND IT GOES! (Turning to PHOEBE:) HOW HAPPY I'D BE TO BE AT YOUR DISPOSAL! 86 MY DARLING, OF COURSE I ACCEPT YOUR PROPOSAL! PHOEBE NOW WE SHOULD KISS! MONTY THAT WOULD BE BLISS! PHOEBE DARLING, BUT FIRST I'LL SAY THIS: I'VE DECIDED TO MARRY PHOEBE (Cont'd) SIBELLA you! WHAT ARE THEY I'VE DECIDED TO DOING? MARRY you! WHAT ARE THEY DO- LETTHE TRUMPETER ING?! I CALL, WISH AWALL WILL THIS WALL WOULD FALL AND SET ME FALL AND SET ME FREE! FREE! MONTY! I'VE DECIDED TO MARRY YOU! MONTY! IWILL OH, MARRY YOU! MONTY! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME! DONE TO ME! MONTY! MONTY! MONTY! MONTY! MONTY! MONTY! raisr2015 MONTY PHOEBE! SIBELLA! PHOE- BE! FALL AND SET ME FREE! THEN AGAIN, THERE'S YES, I'D BE HONORED TO MARRY YOU! 1 WILL MARRY YOU, PHOEBE! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME! PHOEBE! WADSWORTH! 87 PHOEBE & SIBELLA MONTY! MONTY! MONTY! MONTY! (SIBELLA opens the door to peek.) MONTY (To PHOEBE:) TM GRATEFUL, INDEED, FOR YOUR GRACIOUS BESTOWMENT! (To SIBELLA:) YES, WADSWORTH, I TOLD YOU, TLL BE JUST A MOMENT! (HE slams the door on her.) PHOEBE SIBELLA MONTY NOW, MONTY DEAR, I THINK | NOW SHOULD Go! OH? OH! BUTI STILL WANT TO MARRY YOU! EVEN SO. I'VE DECIDED TO MARRY YOU! JUST GO! HOW I'M LONGING TO MARRY YOU! HELLO! I'VE DECIDED TO YES, I'M DELIGHTED TO. MARRY YOU, MARRY YOU, MARRY YOU, MARRY. MARRY YOU, MARRY. A SHAME I MUST ~ ASHAME YOU MUST- A SHAME YOU MUST - PHOEBE, SIBELLA & MONTY Go! Go! SIBELLA Go! MONTY Go! SIBELLA Go! r2s0is 88 PHOEBE PLL- PHOEBE, SIBELLA & MONTY Go! [#I7A_ PLAYOFF / “SIBELLA” (REPRISE) (MONTY manages to get PHOEBE out the door. HE leans against the door, exhausted. SIBELLA pokes her head out of the bedroom. MUSIC out.) SCENE 2B MONTY Hello. SIBELLA Is it safe to come out now? MONTY think s0, yes. (MONTY pours them each a sherry to calm their nerves. MUSIC under.) SIBELLA I'm sure I can't imagine what she was so excited about. MONTY Who? SIBELLA Miss D'Ysquith. Your cousin. Our visitor. MONTY Oh, yes. Some business about ... selling her brother's horse. (Deliberately changing the subject:) Now, where were we...? Oh, yes. (Singing:) 1SEE SIBELLA, MY SIBELLA, AND ILIKE YOU THAT WAY. (THEY fall into another passionate embrace.) lansiais 89 ACT TWO scl As SIBELLA and the Apartment disappear, MONTY sees a NEWSBOY holding a newspaper aloft ‘MUSIC underscores scene. 15" NEWSBOY "Lady Hyacinth Found Alive!” (A 2" NEWSBOY appears.) 2%” NEWSBOY "Society Lady Escapes from Cannibals!” (MONTY looks at the AUDIENCE with a raised eyebrow.) 1°" NEWSBOY “Lady Philanthropist Arrives Home Today!" 2%” NEWSBOY “Lady Hyacinth To Be Greeted by Thousands!" (As MONTY contemplates this heaulline, a light bulb goes off in his head. HE is handed a large ax.) 1°™ NEWSBOY "Lady Hyacinth Falls in Gangplank Collapse!" 2” NEWSBOY "Society Lady Drowns in Harbor!" (MONTY looks at the AUDIENCE with a sheepish shrug. MUSIC segues.) MONTY (Recorded V-O) Ofall the slights and rejection Mother received at the hands of the D'Ysquiths, Lord Adalbert's were by far the most painful to her. "Dearest Adalbert," she wrote, "Why have you not answered my letter? Or the one before that? You have been like a brother to me. Surely you cannot tum ‘me away in the hour of my greatest need." iansno1s 90 ACT TWO SCENE 4 The Great Hall, Highhurst Castle. The rather grand LADY EUGENIA D'YSQUITH [50's] straightens the medals on the jacket of her husband, LORD ADALBERT. MUSIC out. LORD ADALBERT I'm famished, What are we eating? LADY EUGENIA Everything to drive you to an early grave. LORD ADALBERT It can't be soon enough, as long as you're living, LADY EUGENIA ‘You'd better hope I die before you. Otherwise, I shall feed your remains to the hounds. LORD ADALBERT I'm counting on you having a prolonged iliness, every inch of you covered with leeches. And I shall savor the act of applying each of them myself. Speaking of leeches, who the devil have you invited to sponge off us this weekend? (MR. GORBY, a butler, announces the guests.) MR. GORBY Miss Phoebe D'Ysquith and Mr. Montague D'Ysquith Navarro, (MONTY emters, with PHOEBE on his arm, looking spectacular. It's a rather different entrance than the one HE made as a tourist.) LADY EUGENIA Adalbert, you remember Miss D'Ysquith, of course (PHOEBE curtsies to LORD and LADY D'YSQUITH,) LORD ADALBERT ‘Which one are you? PHOEBE Phoebe, sister of the late Henry D'Ysquith. LORD ADALBERT They're all named Henry! iasois