Documentos de Académico
Documentos de Profesional
Documentos de Cultura
Blundt Friday
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Blundt Friday
Written By – Norma Safford Vela
Transcribed By – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Jenny – Michelle Beaudoin
Libby – Jenna Leigh Green
Mrs. Bogzigian – Ella Joyce
Cee Cee – Melissa Murray
Jill – Bridget Flanery
Guidance Counsellor – Eddie Allen
Teacher – Ariel Felix
Principle Larue – Tom McGowan
Gordie – Curtis Andersen
Student – Phillip Glasser
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Hilda and Zelda are tidying away
laundry while Sabrina studies the magic book.
Sabrina– I don’t get it, I’ve been studying my magic book
and it’s just too hard.
Zelda comes over and sits beside her on the bed.
Zelda– Oh here, let me help you. Ah! Here’s one for silence.
(Reading) Affix the taste organ of a humped ruminant
adjacent to one’s dentation.
Sabrina– I have no idea what that means.
Hilda– It means put a camel tongue in your mouth. It works,
but you’ll find out why camels spit so much.
Sabrina– I think I’d rather actually be doing my homework.
Zelda– Sabrina, magic is part of your education too. Sure it’s
hard work and it might seem difficult at times but with plenty
of practice…
Hilda– (Interrupting) Oh why don’t you just get a straw and
suck all the fun out of it?
Hilda flips over a few pages in the book and points out a
particular page.
Hilda– (Cont.) Oh you are going to love this section.
Sabrina– (Reading) Magic for dummies?
Hilda– Try this one, it’s a hoot. Oh, it’s great at parties.
Zelda– Oh please! That’s the oldest trick in the book. That’s
so old, mortal’s are doing it.
Sabrina– Let me try
Hilda gets a top hat from the top shelf of Sabrina’s wardrobe
and tosses it to her.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Okay, here goes.
She stands and holds the hat while waving her free hand
over it.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Abracadabra.
She reaches into the hat, way into the hat. Her arm
disappears almost to the shoulder as she feels around inside
and eventually comes up with what she was looking for.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Hey, it worked! I pulled a rabbit out of a
hat.
Rabbit– Hey, put me back! My wife Renée is about to give
birth.
Sabrina– Oh sorry.
Hilda– Relax, that happens a lot with rabbits.
Sabrina puts the rabbit back in the hat.
Sabrina– I didn’t know.
Run opening credits.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina’s just come down stairs with
her school bag, Zelda’s at the counter making breakfast,
Salem’s sat on the kitchen table and Sabrina goes over and
scratches the top of his head.
Sabrina– Morning Salem.
Salem– Maybe for you, I’m having a bad fur day.
Sabrina– Poor kitty, what’s wrong?
Salem– Couldn’t sleep last night. I tried reading the most
boring thing I could find but not even your diary could do the
trick.
Sabrina– How’d you read my diary, it’s locked?
Salem– I picked it with my dew claw. So, who’s Harvey?
Sabrina– He’s… no one.
Salem– Yeah, no one with the worlds most perfect side
burns.
Sabrina has a quick glance round embarrassed and hoping
that her aunt didn’t hear.
Sabrina– That’s enough!
She picks Salem up and tosses him out the back door, but
not before Salem makes sure everyone knows.
Salem– (Chanting) Harvey and Sabrina! Harvey and
Sabrina! Harvey… Meow!!
Sabrina pulls the door too locking the mocking pussy out and
heads for the counter.
Sabrina– Hey look, toast.
Zelda enters down the stairs.
Hilda– Good morning, I’ve got great news. Guess who’s
going out with the head of the Witches Council tomorrow
night? I’ll give you a hint.
She gestures with her hands and a flashing red neon arrow
appears suspended in mid air pointing at her as she smiles
happily.
Zelda– I don’t believe it, you’re going out with Drell?
Sabrina– The big ugly guy with the mole?
Hilda– Yes, and I’m so excited.
Zelda– Oh Hilda, don’t. Excitement brings hope.
Sabrina– What’s wrong with hope?
Zelda– Every time he makes a date with Hilda he breaks it.
Hilda– He did that once or twice, or maybe a thousand times
but may I remind you that every time that Drell has
cancelled he has always sent me a lovely token of his
affection.
Zelda– Yeah, he always sends a pot-roast.
Sabrina– A pot-roast?
Hilda– Flowers wilt, say it with beef.
Sabrina– Well I’d love to stay and listen to more tales of
romance and meat, but I’ve got school to ruin my day.
She picks up her nap sack.
Sabrina– (Cont.) See ya.
She exits through the back door.
Salem– (OS) Harvey and Sabrina! Meeoow!!
Int. Westbridge High School. Home Ec. class. Sabrina shares
a cooker and counter with Jenny, Libby shares with her
friends Jill and Cee Cee, Harvey shares with Gordie. They all
have a napkin apiece.
Mrs. Bogzigian– Now the use of the cloth napkin exploded
in the early nineteenth century and since there was no TV,
napkin folding became a popular art form. Lets start with the
bishops mitre.
She holds up one she’d made earlier.
Jenny– (To Sabrina) Why do we have to learn this?
Sabrina– In case our cable goes out?
Libby and her friends are enjoying themselves giggling about
something.
Jenny– I think Libby and her friends are talking about us.
Sabrina glances over to their counter.
Sabrina– No they’re not. Don’t be so paranoid Jenny.
Jenny– Paranoid? They’re pointing at us and laughing.
She takes another look.
Sabrina– Oh, you’re right. Well just ignore them… Are they
still doing it?
Harvey wanders over with his napkin.
Harvey– Hey!
Sabrina– Hi.
Jenny– Hi Harvey.
Harvey– I’m having a little trouble with the bishops mitre,
He holds out his screwed up white napkin.
Harvey– (Cont.) the best I can do is a snow-ball.
Jenny has a quick look round to make sure Mrs. Bogzigian
isn’t watching before taking Harvey’s napkin.
Jenny– I can help.
Sabrina– I’ll supervise.
Harvey– You know the only reason I took home ec. was so I
could eat during class. Coach says I’ve still got to bulk up
and carbo-loading can get pretty lonely.
Sabrina– Well we’ll keep you company any time you have to
eat.
Jenny– Yeah, we’re good at that.
Harvey– Hey, I’m going to the pizza place tomorrow night to
force down eight slices, d’you guys wanna watch?
Sabrina– Sure, cool!
Jenny– Cool!
Harvey– Cool!
Jenny hands Harvey the finished bishops mitre and Harvey
puts in on his head, making a little bow.
Harvey– (Cont.) Bless you.
He leaves.
Jenny– Oh that’ll be fun, hanging out with Harvey.
Sabrina– Yeah, that’ll be a lotta fun.
Jenny– Just the three of us.
Sabrina turns her attention back to her napkin and the
bishops mitre.
Sabrina– Okay, the pointy ends…
Jenny– (Interrupting) Do you ever wonder what Harvey’s
thinking about when he’s looking out the window?
Sabrina looks across and sure enough Harvey’s leaning on
the wall gazing out of the window.
Sabrina– Probably football?
Jenny– No. No, I bet he’s thinking about nature, or-or
poetry, or the poetry of nature.
Sabrina– Mmm, I’m sticking with football.
Jenny– Oh he’s so quiet, I wish I knew him better.
Sabrina– Jenny are you sure you wouldn’t rather go alone
with Harvey tomorrow night. Y’know, just the two of you?
Jenny– No, would you?
Sabrina– No. I just like him as a friend.
Jenny– Me-Me too.
Mrs. Bogzigian– Need help Sabrina?
Sabrina– Well I er, I can’t really do that bishops thing…
She slips the napkin out of the teachers sight and points at it.
The napkin folds itself in a complex origami sort of way
before she turns back to show Mrs. Bogzigian.
Sabrina– (Cont.) I did make a rose.
Mrs. Bogzigian draws in a breath at how real the rose looks,
Sabrina smells it
Int. School hallway. Sabrina’s at her locker with Jenny.
Jenny– Oh look, here comes our fan club.
Libby and Cee Cee come down the hallway.
Libby– Hi Jenny, Hi Sabrina.
They walk on giggling together.
Sabrina– Hey, is there something funny about our names?
Libby– Not Jenny’s.
Sabrina– You know, why don’t you guys just leave us alone.
We’re not bothering you.
Libby– You’re still breathing aren’t you, freak! (To Jenny)
Double freak!
Laughing Cee Cee and Libby turn and walk away.
Sabrina– (To Jenny) We can’t let her get to us.
But she already has as Sabrina slams shut her locker in
frustration.
Sabrina– (Cont.) It’s what she wants. I just wish I knew
what she was saying.
Jenny– Well what difference does it make, everything Libby
says is a lie.
Sabrina– Hey, maybe we can retaliate by spreading lies
about her.
Jenny– What can we say? That she’s actually nice and
sweet?
Sabrina– Not much revenge in that.
Jenny– No. Face it, the world’d be a much better place if
everyone told the truth but you can’t stop someone from
lying.
Sabrina wonders as Jenny walks on.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina sits on her bed with her
magic book open and her pet cat Salem beside her. She’s
found what she’s been looking for.
Sabrina– Yes you can! You can stop someone from lying. It’s
right here Salem, (Reading) ‘Truth Sprinkles’ Do they work?
Salem– All too well, it’s how the Witches Council got me to
confess my scheme for world domination.
Sabrina– Well, do you wanna help me bake your highness?
She picks Salem up.
Salem– Like I have a choice.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Salem is lay on the counter
supervising as Sabrina reads the recipe from the magic book.
Sabrina– This looks easy. (Reading) ‘Pre heat oven to 500
degrees’
She turns to the oven.
Salem– I don’t think so, check again.
Sabrina– (Reading) ‘Pre heat oven to 5,000’!
Zelda enters through the back door with groceries.
Sabrina– Aunt Zelda, can you help me, I’m trying to make
truth sprinkles.
Zelda– Oh you’re using your magic, excellent. Do you want
to make them from scratch or use instant?
Sabrina– There’s instant? I’ll use that.
Zelda– Huh! Witchcraft in an MTV world, it’s all quick cuts
and funny angles. Now we keep our potions regarding
openness and truth in a secret cabinet. This is a very special
moment.
Sabrina– The moment I get to see the secret cabinet?
Zelda– Well if you’re going to make fun, I wont show it to
you.
Luisa– Psst! The cabinets over here.
Sabrina– Who said that?
Luisa– Me, Luisa, over here.
Sabrina walks over to the other end of the counter where a
picture of a lady hangs on the wall.
Sabrina– Whoa! These walls really can talk.
Salem– Sometimes they never shut up.
Luisa– Don’t start with me cat, I’ve seen what you do when
they’re out of the house.
Zelda– Oh for Pete’s sake, the moments ruined.
She points at the section of wall where Luisa hangs and it
swings open revealing a full length cabinet.
Sabrina– Oh neat! Hey, look at all these things. frog lips,
freeze dried eye of newt, hey!
She brings out a plastic container of sprinkles.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Are these the truth sprinkles?
Zelda– No. They’re ice cream sprinkles, they’re in the wrong
cabinet.
Hilda wanders in from the living room.
Zelda– (Cont.) Hey Hilda, have you seen the Jiffy Truth?
Hilda– Yeah, it’s in my bag. I used it last week when I took
my car in for repairs. It turns out I really did need new break
pads.
She crosses to her bag, pulls out a box of sprinkles and
hands them to Sabrina.
Sabrina– (Reading) ‘Jiffy Truth, one hundred percent refined
truth, trace amounts of harsh reality. For best results,
sprinkle on something sweet as the truth can be bitter.’
Hilda– It is great stuff, it makes you reveal your true
feelings. Oh, which reminds me. Zelda, the postman has a
crush on you.
Zelda– That is not what the sprinkles are for, they should
only be used in serious matters.
Sabrina– Well this is serious. You remember Libby? Well
she’s been spreading lies about me and Jenny and… it’s really
upsetting Jenny.
Hilda– Well give Libby some sprinkles, and if those don’t
work…
She reaches into her bag and brings out a plastic aerosol
bottle.
Hilda– (Cont.) ..try some Lady Bald Spot, you just spray it
and…
Zelda– (Interrupting) Hilda, that’s enough. Sabrina, you can
take the sprinkles but let me warn you, the truth can have
painful side effects.
Sabrina– Like what?
Zelda– Itching, chafing, hurt feelings.
Sabrina– Sounds like gym class.
Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Harvey’s taking a drink
at the water fountain when Libby comes up to him.
Libby– Harvey, you would not believe what I’ve just heard.
Okay, I’ll tell you. That’s not Sabrina’s real nose.
Harvey– It’s not?
Libby– Don’t you get it? She had surgery.
Harvey– Why? What’s wrong?
Libby– Never mind.
She walks off leaving Harvey confused.
Int. Home Ec. class. Mrs. Bogzigian is calling her students to
order.
Mrs. Bogzigian– Alright, everyone to you stations. You
know what today is, it’s Bundt cookin’ Fritag. It’s Bundt
Friday!
The students don’t share Mrs. Bogzigian’s excitement as they
all look at one another with a ‘So?’ expression. Mrs.
Bogzigian holds up her Bundt cake pan.
Mrs. Bogzigian– Get your pans. Now, did you know that
Richard Nixon’s favourite snack food was the Bundt? Oh he’d
eat it secretly, and then deny it, but if you listen closely to
those tapes…
Int. Home Ec. class. Later. Mrs. Bogzigian lifts her finished
Bundt to her nose.
Mrs. Bogzigian– Smell your Bundt’s. Smell your neighbours
Bundt’s. Hmm.
Jenny is cutting Sabrina and hers Bundt.
Jenny– We got really lucky, our Dutch chocolate looks much
better than Libby’s fourteen grain.
Sabrina– You know I think maybe I’ll offer Libby a piece of
our cake.
Jenny– Why?
Sabrina– Just to show she can’t get to us.
She takes a slice of cake on a plate and adds her own secret
ingredient. The truth sprinkles.
Jenny– You’re a much nicer person than I am.
Sabrina takes the cake over to Libby’s bench just as Cee Cee
and Jill take a bite of their Bundt.
Sabrina– Hi Libby.
Libby– Sabrina.
Cee Cee and Jill both dash off to the sink to spit out the awful
cake and wash the taste away.
Sabrina– Er, do you want to try a piece of our cake?
Libby– Like I’d taste anything you gave me. What’s in it,
poison?
Sabrina– No, just chocolate.
She waves it under Libby’s nose, tempting her.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Lots of chocolate.
Libby– Really?
Sabrina– And sprinkles.
Libby– Oh all right.
She takes the plate.
Libby– (Cont.) But I’m not going to start being nice to you.
She takes a bite of the Bundt.
Sabrina– That’s okay, I just want to ask you one question.
Libby, what have you been saying about Jenny and me
behind our backs?
Libby– Like I’d tell you!
She swallows the cake and the sprinkles, the magic
immediately kicks in.
Libby– (Cont.) Okay, here’s what I was saying. I was saying
that her father’s in jail and that she cheats on taxes, and
then I threw in that you had a nose job.
Sabrina– But those are all lies.
Libby– You don’t have to tell me.
Jill and Cee Cee arrive back.
Cee Cee– What’s going on?
Libby– I was just telling Sabrina all the rumours we’ve been
spreading about her.
Jill– Why? She’s not in the loop!
Libby– So? (To Sabrina) And by the way, it was Jill who
made up the nose job story. Which is actually very funny
because er, she’s the one who…
Libby taps her nose as Jill looks on horrified and clutches her
nose.
Jill– You swore you’d never tell!
Libby– And Cee Cee, she kisses her Pete Sampras poster
every night.
Cee Cee– You snitch!
Jill– That was too much, You told her my secret, I hate you…
Cee Cee– Now I’m going to tell everybody about your mom…
Sabrina slips away and leaves the three former friends
arguing and joins Jenny, who’s watching the developing row
with interest.
Sabrina– Yeah, I have a feeling Libby won’t be spreading
anymore lies.
Jenny– Are you serious, how did you do that?
Sabrina– Piece of cake.
Sabrina looks down at their counter for the sprinkles but
can’t see them.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Hey, did you see a container of sprinkles
on the counter?
Jenny– Yeah, Mrs. Bogzigian took them. She got really
excited and started putting them on all the Bundt’s. Then she
left the room.
Sabrina– Gotta go!
She turns and runs from the class.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina runs out of the class and down
the Hallway.
Sabrina– Mrs. Bogzigian!
She sees the teacher coming out of the teachers lounge with
an empty tray.
Sabrina– (Con.) Oh, Mrs. Bogzigian,
Mrs. Bogzigian– Oh my goodness, offering free food to
teacher. I’m lucky I didn’t lose a hand.
Sabrina– You took our cake to the faculty lounge?
Mrs. Bogzigian– Yes, and the sprinkles were a delightful
touch. Is there a problem?
Two teachers come out of the lounge.
Teacher– (To the other) I think I’ll skip class, truth is I don’t
want to be here any more than the kids do and I can still
make the fifth race.
Sabrina– (To Mrs. Bogzigian) No it’s fine. And who knows, it
might make the world a better place.
Mrs. Bogzigian– That’s the spirit of Bundt.
Int. Home Ec. class. The row still goes on.
Jill– And you say you’re a size three when you’re really a
size five.
Mrs. Bogzigian and Sabrina enter.
Libby– Yeah? Well remember when I swore I didn’t kiss
Danny? I did. A lot.
Sabrina goes over to Harvey’s counter where he’s spreading
frosting on their Bunt.
Sabrina– Hi Harvey, how’s your cake?
Harvey– Good, and you know? I didn’t just take home ec.
’cause coach told me too. I like to cook, I like it a lot.
Gordie reaches over for a finger full of frosting but Harvey
spots him about to mar his lovely smooth surface and raps
him on the knuckles with his spatula.
Harvey– (To Gordie) Hey!
Sabrina leaves them to it and goes back to her own counter.
Sabrina– Hey,
Jenny– Hi. I saved us a piece, with sprinkles.
Sabrina– Hmm! Well, you go first.
Jenny– Okay.
She takes a fork full.
Jenny– (Cont.) Wow! This is good. D’you know what it tastes
like?
The magic sprinkles take effect.
Jenny– (Cont.) It tastes like I lied to you yesterday.
Sabrina– You lied to me! About what?
Jenny– The truth is I’d rather go to The Slicery alone with
Harvey tonight.
Sabrina– Just the two of you?
Jenny– I think Harvey and I might be soul mates and you
said you only liked him as a friend, so you don’t mind, right?
Sabrina– Yeah, sure.
Jenny– Perfect, I’ll go and tell Harvey you’re not coming.
Mrs. Bogzigian– Sabrina, you didn’t get any cake.
Sabrina– No, y’know… I’m really not very hungry.
After the teacher’s left she turns and sees Jenny and Harvey
laughing and talking together and begins to fully understand
Zelda’s warning, she was certainly chafing and her feelings
were in a beaten up heap on the floor.
Int. School hallway, later. Sabrina walks alone and miserable
down the hallway, Libby, Jill and Cee Cee walk past still
arguing
Cee Cee– Freak!
Libby– Mutant!
Jill– Shovel head!
They go past shoving and digging each other but Sabrina is
oblivious as she tries to come to terms with her best friend
wanting to date the guy she fancies. Her route takes her past
the Guidance Counsellors office where she sees a plate of
bundt cake on his desk and overhears.
Guidance Counsellor– Let me give you the truth Ricky. You
kids come in here and talk about your futures, your dreams
but what about me? You think I wanted to be a guidance
counsellor? Heck no, I was born to play the blues.
He pulls a mouth organ from his top pocket and accompanies
himself.
Guidance Counsellor– (Singing) I got no future and neither
do you, your SAT scores are four-thirty-two. Welcome to
loserville.
Sabrina leaves the singing counsellor and heads over to her
locker. where she overhears Gordie talking to another
student.
Gordie– Come on, how far did she let you go?
Student– How far! I didn’t even try to kiss her.
Gordie– You didn’t?
Student– Nah, I’m not ready, didn’t I tell you I’m a virgin?
Gordie– Really? Me too.
Student– Excellent!
Gordie– I feel really awkward right now.
The two boy quickly go their separate ways as Sabrina puts
away her school books. A voice comes over the school PA.
Principle Larue– Attention students, this is principle Larue.
I just wanted to announce that as soon as I finish this
yummy bundt cake… I’m going to the movie’s, like I do every
Friday afternoon and I’m payin’ for my popcorn with petty
cash. Thank you.
Sabrina can’t believe how bad things are getting with all this
truth being told everywhere. She turns from her locker
heading for home when she runs head on into Harvey.
Sabrina– Oof!
Harvey– Sabrina, Jenny said you weren’t coming tonight. Is
it something to do with your nose?
Sabrina– No, I just can’t make it. You and Jenny have a
good time, I’m late for the bus.
She barely holds back the tears long enough to run down the
hallway and round the corner.
Harvey– (Calling after) Hey! You run funny.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda working at the table on her lap
top computer as Hilda comes in wearing a tight fitting leather
mini skirt and matching waist coat with a leopard print top
beneath.
Hilda– Stop whatever you’re doing, this is more important.
She closes the lid on Zelda’s lap top to ensure her full
attention.
Zelda– I was on the verge of a major scientific
breakthrough.
Hilda– Nobody cares. Okay, which look do you think Drell
will like better, tough chic or…
She raises her hand to her forehead in a dramatic gesture as
her outfit changes to a scoop neck blouse with short,
billowing sleeves and a long flowing skirt. Her waist is
synched by laced up bodice
Hilda– (Cont.) Damsel in distress?
She places her hands on her hips and her outfit changes
back.
Hilda– (Cont.) Tough chic or…
And once again.
Hilda– (Cont.) Damsel in distress?.
Zelda– Isn’t there something in the middle?
Hilda– Like a tough chic in distress?
She gestures and the damsel in distress skirt changes into
the short leather mini skirt.
Hilda– (Cont.) Ooh, I like it.
Zelda– I hate it. Oh why don’t you just wear what you wore
last time Drell stood you up?
Hilda– He is not going to stand me up.
She turns to leave just as the oven timer sounds.
Hilda– (Cont.) Were you cooking something, Zelda?
Zelda– Oh-no! Drell did it again.
She puts on an oven glove and takes a roasting tray from the
oven.
Zelda– (Cont.) He sent you a… half a pot-roast?
Hilda– That just means he’s going to be a little late. He’s so
thoughtful.
Sabrina enters looking very glum.
Sabrina– Hey.
Hilda– Oh-no, you look unhappy. Tell Zelda, I can’t let you
bring me down, I’ve got a date!
Hilda leaves.
Zelda– What’s wrong?
Sabrina– Well, you were right, high school is no place for
the truth. People were blurting out their feelings all over the
place, it was awful.
Zelda– Well I warned you, the truth can be unruly but don’t
worry, the sprinkles wear off after twenty-four hours.
Sabrina– Twenty-four hours is too late. Ignorance was bliss,
I was just too stupid to know it.
She goes off to her room.
Int. The Slicery. Harvey’s playing an arcade game as Jenny
enters.
Jenny– Hi Harvey.
Harvey– Hey, you made it.
Jenny– Yeah, I made it.
Harvey– What now?
Jenny– D’you wanna order pizza?
Harvey– Great idea.
They move over to a table and sit.
Jenny– So this is nice, just the two of us.
Harvey– Yeah no Sabrina, it’s great.
Jenny– It is?
Harvey– Sure, now we can order onions. Sabrina hates
onions.
Jenny– But won’t it also give us a chance to get to know
each other better?
Harvey– Yeah, or we could just play foozball.
Jenny– I’m not really into sports, I’d rather talk about poetry
and nature.
Harvey– I’m really not into poetry but natures okay. I mean
I like going outside.
Jenny– Me too!
Harvey– But not when it’s cold, I don’t like being cold.
Jenny– Y’see I’m okay with cold.
Harvey– D’ya like hot?
Jenny– Not that much.
Harvey– Oh. Where’s that pizza?
Jenny– We haven’t ordered it yet.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Zelda’s at Sabrina’s bedroom
door, she knocks.
Zelda– Sabrina, may I come in?
Sabrina– (OS) Yeah, I’m just practising my magic.
Zelda enters.
Zelda– Oh wonderful.
She sees dozens of cute little bunnies hopping around
Sabrina’s bedroom as Sabrina pulls yet another from her hat.
Sabrina– I think I’m getting pretty good.
Zelda– Oh-no.
Sabrina– And watch.
She takes a cane and with a flourish changes it into two
coloured scarves.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Ta-da! I think I’m ready for a cruise ship.
Zelda– Sabrina, it’s Friday night. Why aren’t you out with
your friends?
Sabrina– ‘Cause.
Zelda– D’you want to talk about it?
Sabrina– No.
Zelda– Are you sure? Come on, I think you need a snack.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina sits at the table as Zelda
brings over some cookies.
Sabrina– I’m really not hungry.
Zelda– Eat this, the sprinkles will help you uncover your true
feelings.
Sabrina– No thanks, I’d rather use Lady Bald Spot.
Zelda– Trust me.
Sabrina takes a bite.
Zelda– (Cont.) So why are you home?
Sabrina– Because Jenny told me she wanted to be alone
with Harvey tonight and I said it was okay.
Zelda– And is it okay?
Sabrina– Yeah, I guess. No! No it’s not okay. You know
Harvey and Jenny are alone together, it should be Harvey
and me, or Jenny and me but it shouldn’t be Harvey and
Jenny alone without me.
Zelda– So what are you gonna do?
Sabrina– I’m going to tell Jenny just what I told you… if I
can remember it. Thanks aunt Zelda.
Zelda– You’re welcome dear.
Sabrina– Oh, and by the way, that dress is really ugly.
Sabrina leaves after proving once again that some truths can
leave hurt feelings in their wake.
Int. The Slicery. Harvey is struggling to finish his pizza while
Jenny amuses herself beside him.
Harvey– Slice number seven, this ones for the team.
Jenny holds up the paper napkin she’s been working on, Mr.s
Bogzigian’s lessons have been sinking in.
Jenny– Look, I made a Swan.
Harvey– Thanks.
He takes the Swan and wipes pizza grease from round his
mouth with it. Sabrina enters.
Sabrina– I’ve come to speak the truth!
Jenny– Sabrina!
Harvey– You made it.
Sabrina– Jenny we need to talk, right away.
Harvey– You should know, we ordered onions.
She leads Jenny a little way away from the table and Harvey.
Jenny– What is it Sabrina?
Sabrina– I lied to you when I said I didn’t mind Harvey and
you coming here alone, I do mind and I know you guys might
be soul mates but…
Jenny– (Interrupting) We’re not soul mates.
Sabrina– You’re not?
Jenny– No. I mean Harvey’s really cute and he’s really nice
but you can’t build a life on that.
Sabrina– I’d be willing to give it a shot.
Harvey– (Calling over) Are you guys talking about me?
Sabrina and Jenny– (Together) Yes.
Harvey– Come and talk about me over here.
They walk back to the table.
Jenny– I was just telling Sabrina what a crummy time we
had without her.
Harvey– Yeah, she can’t even play foozball.
Jenny– You know Harvey, I think I liked you better when
you were distant and mysterious. Up close you’re kind of a
loud chore.
Harvey– Yeah, well sometimes I put little pieces of paper in
your hair and you don’t even notice.
Sabrina puts her arms round her two friends.
Sabrina– Isn’t this great, us being honest with each other
and all.
She quietly removes a small piece of paper from Jenny’s hair.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Hilda comes out of her room
as neither the tough chic, the damsel in distress or the tough
chic in distress. She’s whistling happily as she heads for the
linen closet. Zelda comes up the stairs.
Hilda– Do you love my hair?
Zelda– I see you went with the little black feather… thing.
Hilda– Yes. And now I’m off to the linen closet where I will
travel to another dimension of time and space to have a
lovely date with Drell. Don’t wait up.
Zelda– Stop! I have something to say. I know I said that
Drell would stand you up and this date would never happen
and… I was wrong.
Hilda– I love it when you say that. Will you say it again?
Zelda– No. Look, just have fun on your date. After all you’ve
been through with Drell you deserve a good time.
Hilda– Thanks, bye. Gotta go, I don’t wanna keep Drell
waiting, although it is kind of a funny image, Drell waiting.
She opens the closet door and then closes it again without
going through.
Hilda– (Cont.) I just had the best idea, I’m not going.
Zelda– What!
Hilda– I’m standing Drell up! I’m going to give him a taste of
his own pot-roast.
Zelda– Oh Hilda, that’s perfect! Those self help books are
really paying off.
Hilda– I know. Now lock me in my bedroom before I change
my mind.
Int. The Slicery. Jenny sits a table that’s covered in Swans,
bishops mitres and various other napkin creations while
Harvey and Sabrina play foozball, Sabrina whacks the ball
into the goal.
Harvey– Well that’s two games apiece.
Sabrina– Hey Harvey, before we play again can I tell you
something?
Harvey– Sure. Tonight we have no secrets from each other.
They lean close over the table.
Sabrina– Well it’s kinda personal but I’ve been wanting to
tell you this for the longest time. I think you have the worlds
most perfect side burns.
Harvey– Really?
Sabrina– Yeah, and one more thing.
They lean closer, to within kissing range.
Harvey– Yeah?
Sabrina– Onions give you really bad breath.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Once again Zelda is working on her
lap-top. Salem is lay on the counter too full to move with
what’s left of the pot-roast in front of him.
Salem– Oh, I wish my fur had an elastic waist band, <Burp>
Zelda– Well stop eating.
Salem– I can’t.
Sabrina enters from the living room.
Sabrina– Hello, hello, hello!
Zelda– Hi, hi, hi! How’d it go?
Sabrina– Great! You were right, the truth sprinkles set me
free.
Zelda– Well I’m glad but they weren’t truth sprinkles.
Surprise, I gave you ice-cream sprinkles.
Sabrina– You lied to me?
Zelda– No I… Okay I did but-but the point is I wanted you to
learn that the truth is something you should find without
magic.
Sabrina– I can’t believe you did that! I told Harvey he had
the worlds most perfect side burns and I didn’t have too? I
am so embarrassed.
Zelda– Oh Sabrina, you should never be embarrassed by the
truth.
Sabrina– Oh yeah, then why did you change out of your
dress?
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina and Jenny walk
together as Harvey catches up.
Harvey– Hey, d’you guys want to have lunch today?
Jenny– As long as Sabrina comes along.
Sabrina– Sure.
Jenny– Cool!
Harvey– Cool!
Sabrina– Cool!
Harvey leaves. The girls pass Libby at her locker.
Sabrina– Hi Libby.
They giggle as Libby turns to them.
Jenny– So where are Jill and Cee Cee?
Libby– Like I care, we are no longer friends.
Libby walks off in a huff right into Jill and Cee Cee as they
come round the corner.
Jill– Hi Libby, nice outfit.
Cee Cee– Oh and I love those pants, what are they, a size
three?
Libby– You know it. So where have you two been?
They put there arms round Libby and walk off together. Cee
Cee makes a ‘Size five’ signal and mouths the word to Jill
behind Libby’s back as the school PA comes to life.
Principle Larue– Attention students, this is
the real principle Larue.
Sabrina listens at her locker.
Principle Larue– (Cont.) Last Friday some prankster broke
into my office and impersonated me. I, of course, was at the
district office all day working to make your school a better
place. Thank you.
Sabrina closes her locker not believing a word as feedback
whistles for a second, then still on the PA.
Principle Larue– Do you think they bought that? Huh? Oh-
no!
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina is putting all the little
bunnies back into the hat.
Run Credits.
Sabrina– I’ll miss you, Trisha. See you soon, Samantha.
Take care, Brian. Goodbye, Bernadette. Adios, Colleen.
Terrible Things
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Terrible Things
Written By – Jon Sherman
Transcribed By – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Jenny – Michelle Beaudoin
Libby – Jenna Leigh Green
Mr. Pool – Paul Feig
Drell – Penn Jillette
Principle Larue – Tom McGowan
Commentator – Aeryk Egan
Marge – Sara Van Horn
Student – Milo Ventimiglia
Randy ‘The Destroyer’ – Marvin C. Jones II
Photographer – James D. Fields
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Westbridge High School Hallway, Sabrina comes round
the corner wearing a black outfit. Black top with a black bib
front skirt, black hose and black shoes. She sees Libby
talking to her friends, she wearing a black top with a black
bib front skirt, black hose and black shoes. Sabrina stops
dead in her tracks, turns and dashes back round the corner.
Int. Girls bathroom. Sabrina enters and does a quick check of
the stalls to make sure she’s alone before pointing at herself.
A magical change later and she wearing a powder blue top
and brown check pants. She checks herself out in the mirror.
Sabrina– Much better.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina comes round the corner and
sees Libby in her black outfit still talking to Jill and smiles as
she walks past down to her locker. As she’s taking out her
school books Jenny enters.
Jenny– Hey, love the look.
She bumps hips with Sabrina and walks away laughing.
Sabrina watches her go in her identical blue top and brown
check trousers. It’s going to be one of those days.
Run opening credits.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina is getting her school stuff
ready and putting it in her nap-sack.
Zelda– (OS) Where are you.
Salem slips in through the door.
Salem– You didn’t see me, I was never here.
He nips under the bed to hide as Zelda comes up the stairs
and enters.
Zelda– Sabrina, have you seen Salem?
Sabrina– Um… no?
Salem– (From under the bed) You are the worst liar.
Zelda reaches under the bed and gets hold of the struggling
Salem.
Zelda– Come on.
Salem– No! I wont go! I wont go! I WONT GO!!
Zelda puts him down on the bed.
Sabrina– Ah, is it time for Salem to be wormed again?
Salem– No worse. I have to do community service.
Zelda– It’s part of his punishment for attempting global
conquest.
Salem– As if being a cat for a hundred years wasn’t enough,
Zelda had to put me in a pets for prisoners program.
Zelda– I gave you a choice, you could have done highway
cleanup.
Salem– Yeah, cats do real well on highways.
Zelda– Stop complaining and get your wormy little butt
down stairs in two minutes. It’s time to pay your debt to
society.
Zelda leaves.
Salem– (Calling after) Can’t I just write a cheque?
Sabrina– I don’t know what your problem is, it’s nice to help
people.
Salem– And what nice things have you done lately?
Sabrina– Me? I do nice things all the time.
Salem– Really? Since you got your magical powers all I’ve
seen you do is change your clothes and make brussel sprouts
disappear.
Sabrina– That’s not true and I’ll prove it. I’ll use my magic
to do three nice things before the end of school today, easy.
Salem– Not so easy. Before you shoot your little finger off,
you’d better consider the consequences or ter-rible things
could happen.
Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. An election is taking
place for class president. A ballot box sits on a table and
students mark their Xs against the candidates names and slip
them in. One of the candidates is Jenny, she spots a potential
voter and rushes over.
Jenny– Hi! My names Jenny, I’m running for sophomore
class president and I’m with the outsider party.
The other candidate comes up on the students other side.
Libby– Hi! My name is Libby and I’m also running for class
president, but I’m with the popular party.
Jenny– A vote for me is a vote for smaller classes and more
funding for the arts.
Libby– A vote for me is a vote for more pizza at lunch.
Student– (To Jenny) I’m voting for her.
Sabrina comes over to her friend to console her over yet
another lost vote.
Sabrina– She’s pretty much killing you with that pizza
platform.
Jenny– I don’t get it, why doesn’t anybody want to support
the outsider party?
Sabrina– Maybe because you named it after their biggest
fear?
Jenny– Libby thinks being class president is about lunch
food and dances. Call me idealistic but I really want to make
this school a better place.
Sabrina– Hey, you got my vote.
Jenny– Which gives me a grand total of two.
Libby strolls past to gloat.
Libby– Poor Jenny. There’s nothing like losing to say ‘You’re
a loser.’
she walks off smiling.
Jenny– I wish I could win, I really wanted to make a
difference.
Jenny leaves dejected and Sabrina wishes she could help out
her friend. Wait, maybe she can. She give a little
inconspicuous point toward the ballot box, it’s sides split
open with the massive amount of voting slips it suddenly
contains.
Sabrina– (To herself) I think that’s one nice thing.
She walks off pleased with herself.
Int. School hallway. Harvey walks down the hall drinking
from a large paper cup, he grimaces as he swallows. Sabrina
catches up with him.
Sabrina– Hey Harvey. Whoa! What’s that smell?
Harvey– Protein shake. Coach says I have to bulk up if I
ever want to start at running back.
Sabrina– Well… you look fatter.
Harvey– That’s sweet of you, but you see that guy over
there?
He points to a boy at a locker down the hall.
Harvey– (Cont.) That’s Randy the Destroyer. Unless I put on
twenty pounds or he gets injured, I stay on the bench. Man, I
wanna play. D’you wanna go in.
Sabrina– Yeah, I’ll be there in a sec.
Harvey goes into class and Sabrina glances over her shoulder
at the destroyer. He’s still at his locker. Another student
catches him accidentally as he passes. Randy turns.
Randy– Hey, watch it!
While he’s distracted Sabrina does the pointing thing and he
manages to slam his locker door on his hand.
Randy– Aw! My hand!
He nurses his injured hand.
Sabrina– That’s two.
Int. science class. Sabrina and the rest of the class are sat
doodling as they wait for the teacher to arrive. Mr. Pool
enters.
Mr. Pool– Sorry I’m late but my car broke down. I made the
mistake of trying to go uphill in my AMC Gremlin.
The class laugh.
Harvey– Why don’t you just get a better car Mr. Pool?
Mr. Pool– Like a Ferrari? Sure, y’know what, I’m going to
run right out after class and buy one, and I’ll pay for it with
frustration. Now can we move on to science? Alright, today
we’re going to talk about the elements and why one can’t
turn lead into gold no matter how hard one tries.
Later. Mr. Pool as written up a list of the noble gases on the
chalk board.
Mr. Pool– …and Radon, which is the heaviest of the noble
gases, don’t laugh.
The bell rings
Mr. Pool– All right read chapter four tonight, and take
showers.
He points at a student as they make their way out.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Especially you.
Sabrina– Hey Mr. Pool, are you okay? You seem especially
bitter today.
Mr. Pool– Me? I’m fine.
He picks up his tattered old briefcase from the desk and the
handle breaks, as the case hits the floor it bursts open
strewing papers all over the floor. He throws down the
handle in disgust.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) What a mess!
Sabrina– It’s just a bunch of papers.
Mr. Pool– No, my life!
He gets down on the floor and starts picking up the files and
papers and throws them into the case. Sabrina kneels down
to help.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) I’ve been a teacher seven years and I still
can’t afford a new briefcase, I found this one.
Sabrina– I was wondering who T.G.K. was.
Mr. Pool– Just to pay my bills I have to work cafeteria duty,
I have to supervise the science club and on weekends I…
wash Principle Larue’s car.
Sabrina– Well maybe you should consider doing something
else.
Mr. Pool– Like what? I love teaching science, it’s the only
good thing in my life.
Sabrina– Well, you have a lot of coupons.
She holds up a wad of money off vouchers.
Mr. Pool– Thanks.
Sabrina– Oh, this one for forty cents off Fruit Cooks has
expired.
Mr. Pool– No! Ah who are they foolin’ anyway, you can no
more sweeten a cookie with fruit than you can turn lead into
gold.
He stands holding the briefcase closed and heads for the
door. What he’s just said gives Sabrina an idea and she
points. Mr. Pool stops and turns, he’s had an idea too.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Or can you? Wait a minute, why didn’t I
think of this before?
He puts down his case and starts to write on the chalkboard
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Lead, Pb, with mercury.
He turns to Sabrina.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Thanks for helping me pick up my stuff
Sabrina. Now get out, I’m on to some’in’
Sabrina leaves and Mr. Pool turns back to his formula.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Yes! Yes this would turn lead into gold.
That’s alchemy, it defies the laws of physics.
He doesn’t see Sabrina pop her head back in the door.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Oh who cares, I’m going to be rich! Whoo-
Hoo!
Sabrina closes the door again quietly behind her and leans
back against the wall with a pleased smile on her face.
Sabrina– That’s three nice things.
Int. Spellman living room. Salem is being strangled, oh, no
it’s okay, it’s just Geoffrey having his violin lesson with Hilda.
He is awful and Hilda covers her ears wincing as he finishes
his piece.
Hilda– That was very good Geoffrey but your E string needs
tuning.
She takes his violin.
Hilda– (Cont.) I’ll be right back.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda sits reading at the counter as
Hilda enters with Geoffrey’s violin.
Hilda– This one’s for Mozart.
She smashes the violin to pieces against the table. Sabrina
enters through the back door.
Sabrina– Hey guys.
She sees the shattered fiddle.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Oh, I see Geoffrey’s here.
Hilda– Yep. Mozart started spinning in his grave about ten
minutes ago.
Zelda– Oh please, let the poor man rest in peace.
Sabrina– I don’t get it aunt Hilda, why don’t you just use
your magic to make Geoffrey play better. I mean wouldn’t
that be a nice thing for him and for us?
Hilda– Yes, but I would never do that.
Zelda– That’s right, you must be careful about meddling in
mortal’s lives. We witches have rules.
Hilda– Who cares about the rules, I just want Geoffrey to
keep paying for lessons.
Hilda picks up the broken violin.
Hilda– Well, better get back.
Zelda– Must you?
Hilda points at the violin and it magically reconstructs itself in
her hand. She plucks the E string.
Hilda– Perfect. Like it matters.
She turns and heads back to the living room and Geoffrey.
Sabrina– Aunt Zelda, I’m still a little confused about this
meddling thing. Why is it you can’t use magic to make
someone’s life better?
Zelda– Well because it’s impossible to know what would
make a mortal happy.
Sabrina– But what if you knew exactly what would make
them happy?
Zelda– Ah well, you still can’t predict the consequences.
Sabrina– But wouldn’t those consequences just be good?
Zelda– Well in some cases the consequences might be good,
but then again ter-rible things could happen.
Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Sabrina enters with
her lunch tray and sits opposite Jenny.
Sabrina– Hey, any word on the election?
Jenny– Not officially but this came out.
She shows Sabrina the latest edition of the Westbridge
Lantern school newspaper.
Sabrina– How can they print that Libby’s won when the
results haven’t even been announced yet?
Jenny– It’s a weekly Sabrina, they usually just go on a
hunch.
Sabrina– Yeah, well I have a hunch too.
Principle Larue– (On the school PA) Attention students, this
is Principle Larue, and I have in my hands the results of a
grand experiment called democracy.
Sabrina– Just say it.
Principle Larue– (Cont.) The president of the freshman
class, the winner is Andy Galler. The president of the
sophomore class, the winner is…
Jenny– Libby Chessler.
Principle Larue– (Cont.) Jennifer Kelly.
They both leap up with squeals of excitement and hug each
other over the table.
Jenny– Can you believe I won!
Sabrina– Yes, I can!
The photographer for the Westbridge Lantern rushes up.
Photographer– Hey Jenny, how about a picture for the year
book?
Jenny grabs the copy of the paper and holds it up with a big,
beaming smile. The headline reads ‘LIBBY DEFEATS JENNY!’
Int. School Hallway. Jenny and Sabrina walk along and are
joined by Harvey.
Harvey– Hey, congratulations Jenny, I’m really glad you
won.
Jenny– It’s because people like you voted for me and not
pizza.
Harvey– Er… right.
He changes the subject quickly.
Harvey– (Cont.) Hey, I’m having a really great day too.
Coach just told me I’m starting at running back tomorrow.
Jenny– Wow!
Sabrina– That’s great! That’s what you wanted, right
Harvey?
Harvey– Absolutely. You guys gonna come watch me play?
Sabrina– Sure, cool!
Jenny– Cool!
Harvey– Cool! And don’t be late ’cause y’know, I’m starting.
Int. Science class. Jenny goes over to Libby.
Jenny– Libby, I just wanted to say that I think you handled
your defeat very gracefully.
Libby– Oh, bite me!
Mr. Pool enters wearing a red baseball hat.
Mr. Pool– Sorry I’m late but I was out buying a new car.
He takes of the hat and shows them the badge on the front.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) A Ferrari, since you asked. Yes, thanks to
the miracle of science and an educated brain I now have one
wicked set of wheels. Okay! Whoever can explain the crab
cycle gets a lump of gold.
Dozens of hands shoot up as he holds up an impressive gold
nugget.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Isn’t learning fun?
Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina enters and sees her pet
cat resting on a chair back.
Sabrina– Salem, you’re back. How was jail?
Salem– Not bad, there’s a guy in solitary convinced Alan
Derchowitze appeared to him as a talking cat. I told him I’d
call the governor and plead his innocence.
Sabrina– See? I told you it was nice to help people.
Salem– Are you kidding? I’m not calling.
Hilda enters having overheard.
Hilda– Calling who? About what? Are we getting pizza?
Sabrina– No, I was just going to tell Salem about all the nice
things I did today.
Salem– Yeah, but I’m not interested.
He jumps down from his chair and heads for the kitchen.
Hilda sits herself beside her niece.
Hilda– I’m interested, tell me. Oh, but wait.
She points at the coffee table and a ham and pineapple pizza
appears in a puff of smoke, she takes a slice.
Hilda– (Cont.) Okay, start.
Sabrina– See I wanted to use my magic more to help my
friends so I made a few adjustments in their lives and it…
Hilda– (Interrupting) Hold on. Didn’t Zelda tell you there are
rules against meddling and ter-rible things could happen?
Sabrina– Not again. Look, everyone’s happy, everything’s
working out great okay. There’s nothing ter-rible about it.
Sabrina gets up and goes upstairs, Hilda takes a bite of her
pizza and grimaces.
Hilda– This is ter-rible pizza.
Ext. Westbridge High School Sports Field. The bleachers are
full as the Fighting Scallions take the field, A Mexican wave
does the rounds.
Int. The Commentators box.
Commentator– And a fair catch is called by the Fighting
Scallions.
Sabrina and Jenny enter the box.
Sabrina– Wow! Great view. This is so cool, hanging out in
the presidents section watching Harvey start.
Jenny– Oh look, there’s Mr. Pool. Wow! who’s the blonde?
Sabrina– I think she came with the Ferrari. Oh, no wait,
she’s with the guy next to him.
Commentator– The Fighting Scallions break from the
huddle and Harvey Kinkle is the lone set back.
Jenny– There’s Harvey. Wow, it’s so great that he’s out
there.
Sabrina– Yeah, thanks. Oh, are you sure that’s Harvey?. He
looks kinda small.
Commentator– It’s first and ten from the twenty-one and
the Scallions keep it on the ground. Cougar hands off to
Kinkle…
Sabrina– Harvey’s got the ball!
Commentator– …and he is pummelled. Oh the humanity,
that guy had no business being out there. Oh this is a ter-
rible thing.
Sabrina, who had been clutching Jenny in horror at what just
happened to Harvey, stares at the commentator.
Int. School cafeteria. Monday. Harvey sits with his arm in a
sling as Libby spoon feeds him his lunch.
Harvey– Oh! Aw!
Libby– Oh you poor thing, it even hurts to chew.
Harvey– No, it’s just hot!
Sabrina sits with Jenny at another table but looks across to
where Harvey’s sat.
Sabrina– I feel so bad about Harvey, I can’t believe he’s
sprained his arm.
Jenny– I can’t believe that’s all he’s sprained.
Sabrina– Can we change the subject, lets er, talk about you
being president.
Jenny– Alright, I have my big meeting with Principle Larue
this afternoon.
The student who voted for Libby earlier comes by.
Student– Hey Jenny, tell Larue to do something about this
meatloaf huh?
Jenny– Meatloaf? Hey man, what about intellectual freedom?
(To Sabrina) I’d better go, I’ll see you later at The Slicery?
Sabrina– Yeah, we’ll get pizza.
Jenny– Great idea, this meatloaf really gags.
Jenny leaves, Sabrina gets up to ditch her tray and walks
past Mr. Pool’s table. He’s doing cafeteria duty in style, with
a white table cloth and waiter service. Only the best bone
china and silverware will do.
Sabrina– Hey Mr. Pool, smells good.
Mr. Pool– Linguine with white truffles, no more artery
clogging sloppy Joe’s for me. Now that I’m rich I have a
reason to live.
Sabrina– So are you happy?
Mr. Pool– Oh, I’ll say. Well it gives me the freedom to teach
science without anger and resentment. I can now teach for
the pure joy of teaching. (To the waiter) Ah-ah-ah, leave the
whole block.
The waiter puts down the block of cheese he had just been
grating over Mr. Pool’s lunch and leaves. Sabrina ditches her
tray and goes over to Harvey’s table. Libby’s still feeding
him.
Sabrina– Hey Harvey… and Libby.
Harvey– So, did you make it to the game on Saturday?
Sabrina– Yeah, I saw you start… and finish.
Harvey– My dads got it all on video, keeps playing it over
and over saying that I can learn from it.
Sabrina– Well, y’know let me know if there’s anything I can
do to help.
Libby– I’m a cheerleader, let me handle this.
Sabrina– Sure. (To Harvey) Well I just wanted to let you
know I’m sorry. Y’know not like a responsible sorry, more
like sympathetic sorry in a blameless third party sort of way.
Harvey and Libby give Sabrina a worried look.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Feel better.
She leaves quickly.
Int. School Secretary’s office. Jenny sits waiting to see the
principle. The secretary comes out of Principle Larue’s office.
Marge– The principle will see you now.
Jenny gets up and enters the office.
Int. Principle Larue’s office. He’s sat behind the desk that
sports a plethora of executive toys in an ambient lamp lit,
cosy atmosphere, the secretary shows Jenny in.
Principle Larue– Please sit down.
Jenny sits and hands over a sheet of paper.
Jenny– The reason I called this meeting was to present my
five point program, my contract with Westbridge, if I may.
Principle Larue– Proceed.
Jenny– Well the first point focuses on class size, I think…
Principle Larue– (Interrupting) You have no authority
there.
Jenny– I don’t?
Principle Larue– No. Next point?
Jenny– Well I’m also concerned about arts funding.
Principle Larue– You have no authority there.
Jenny– Text books?
Principle Larue– No.
Jenny– Curriculum?
Principle Larue– No.
Jenny– Parking?
Principle Larue– Huh! I don’t even have authority there.
These topics that you raise are not to be addressed in this
room. They are decided by powerful men in smoke filled
board rooms hundreds of miles from here. It is not your
place to question their choices. They know you Jennifer,
better than you know yourself. Let’s leave the business of
school to the people who’s business is school. Student class
elections have always been a popularity contest, let’s keep it
that way.
He takes Jenny’s five point plan and passes it through the
shredder
Int. The Slicery. Jenny’s sat alone at a table drowning her
sorrow’s as Sabrina enters.
Sabrina– Hey, how’d it go?
Jenny– I’m on my second pitcher of root beer.
Sabrina– Why, what’s wrong?
Jenny– I wish I’d never become president.
Sabrina– You said that’s what you wanted though?
Jenny– Yeah, so young, so naive. I thought I could make a
difference.
Sabrina– But you can!
Jenny– No. You keep your illusions but it’s too late for me,
I’ve seen how the meatloaf is made.
Sabrina– Oh Jenny, I’m sorry.
Jenny– It’s a ter-rible thing.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina enters dejectedly to find her
aunts waiting for her.
Sabrina– Hey.
Zelda– We need to talk.
Sabrina– Not now, I’ve had a really lousy day.
She heads for the stairs but a quick spell from Hilda drags
her forcibly back to a chair by the table.
Sabrina– And apparently it’s not over yet.
Zelda– This came in the toaster for you.
She hands Sabrina the message
Zelda– (Cont.) It’s from Drell.
Sabrina– The head of the Witches Council, what does he
want with me?
Hilda– We don’t know. I wanted to open it but Zelda
wouldn’t let me.
Sabrina opens the message.
Drell– (OS) Report to my office immediately and brings your
aunts with you.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina comes up the stairs
followed by her aunts and heads straight for the linen closet.
As she reaches for the door handle she suddenly veers aside.
Sabrina– I don’t wanna go, Drell scares me. You guys go
first and tell me what he wants.
Hilda– Hey, I don’t want to see Drell any more than you do.
Zelda– Yeah sure.
Hilda– Look, we used to be in love but I no longer have any
feelings for him. How’s my hair?
Zelda– Come on, let’s go.
She grabs Sabrina by the arm and drags her into the closet,
Hilda follows pulling the door too behind her.
Hilda– (OS) Aw! My foot.
The closet activates taking them all to the Other Realm.
The Other Realm. Drell’s outer office. The trio of witches
enter. It has an uncanny resemblance to Principle Larue’s
outer office.
Sabrina– I don’t like this place, it reminds me of the
principles office.
Drell’s secretary comes in and the similarities grow, She is
the image of the school secretary.
Marge– Drell will see you now.
They head into Drell’s office, Hilda gives Zelda a little shove
so she will go in first. Sabrina follows looking quizzically at
the secretary.
Sabrina– You look so familiar.
Hilda grabs her and pulls her into the office.
Int. Drell’s office. It could be Principle Larue’s, the same
lighting, the same executive toys, the same pictures on the
wall but the huge man with the long black, curly hair is
definitely not Larue.
Zelda– Hello Drell, what a pleasant surprise.
Drell– No it’s not, I summoned you and you’re here. Hilda!
What’s with your hair?
Hilda– My new boyfriend likes it this way.
Drell– Oh, your new boyfriend. What’s his name?
Hilda– …Um!
Drell– Oh well I hope you and …Um! are very happy.
He points at the seat in front of his desk and indicates that
Sabrina should sit.
Drell– Sabrina, why don’t we begin by you explaining to us
why we’re here?
Sabrina– I don’t know.
Drell– Stop me if something sounds familiar. Athletic injury,
fixed election, altered immutable laws of physics.
Sabrina– Oh that.
Zelda– Sabrina?!
Hilda– You didn’t?!
Sabrina– I was just trying to help people.
Drell– Help is a four letter word like ‘Dumb’ and ‘Move’ Am I
right?
Sabrina– Well first all the people I helped were happy but
now only one is and he’s happy enough for all three of them
though. So…
Drell– (Interrupting) Now I should explain to you that when
I say ‘Am I right?’ IT’S A RHETORICAL QUESTION! Because
I’m always right.
Zelda– Drell please, Sabrina’s a good kid.
Hilda– And things are hard on her. Her mother’s in Peru, her
father’s in a book.
Drell– And I’m in the land of I_DON’T_CARE! You’re her
guardians, you should have warned her that if you meddle
with peoples lives ter-rible things could happen.
Zelda– Oh I did, that’s exactly what I said.
Hilda– So did I.
Sabrina– So did Salem but nobody made it sound like it was
a big deal.
Drell– Oh Jeez!
He presses the intercom on his desk.
Drell– Marge, get the guys down in ominous warnings to er
tweak up the reverb on the word terrible. Terrible.
There’s a little bit there.
Drell– (Cont.) Ter-rible!
The echo effect is a bit better.
Drell– (Cont.) TER-R-R-IBLE-LE,-LE-le-le…Oh that’s nice.
It sounds like it’s come straight from the crypt. He presses
the intercom again.
Drell– (Cont.) Thank you Marge. (To the Spellman’s) Now
that was Marge’s mistake.
He points towards the outer office, the three witches duck as
Marge in the outer office explodes with a scream blowing the
door open.
Drell– (Cont.) And now back to yours. Now the football
injury and the class elections have no global consequences.
You can mess with your pimply, pubescent, peers all you
want. Alchemy, however, could collapse the world economy
and reek havoc on MY T bills. Now are you gonna fix this or…
He holds up a cut little cat collar with a bell on it.
Drell– (Cont.) …should I give Salem a little, blonde kitty
friend?
Sabrina– No, I can fix it. I mean, I just have to erase the
knowledge right? I don’t have to destroy Mr. Pool.
Drell– You’ve got a day. That’s twenty-three hours to solve
the problem and one hour to shop for a scratching post. Ha-
ha-ha-ha! go on, go get outa here!
They jump up and hurry out.
Drell– (Cont.) Oh, except you Hilda. Why don’t you er stay a
moment?
He sits back in his chair and flips his hair back giving Hilda
his sexy look.
Int. Drell’s outer office. Zelda and Sabrina enter,
Sabrina– That’s it, I’m never going to help anyone ever
again. He’s just trying to scare me right?
Zelda– Oh look, Marge’s teeth.
Sabrina– I’ve gotta go find Mr. Pool!
Hilda comes out of Drell’s office with a smile on her face.
Hilda– Let’s go.
Zelda– What was that all about?
Hilda– Oh, he asked me out. I turned him down and
Sabrina, now you only have sixteen hours. Sorry.
Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Sabrina runs down and
catches Principle Larue as he comes out of the teachers
lounge.
Sabrina– Excuse me, is Mr. Pool in there?
Principle Larue– You mean the guy who thinks he’s too
good to wash my car now? No, I haven’t seen him.
Just then Mr. Pool comes down the hall whistling and
straightening his tie. Principle Larue checks out his new suit
as he passes and Sabrina turns to see.
Sabrina– Mr. Pool, there you are. I am so happy to see you.
Mr. Pool– Happy to see you too my little coupon picker-
upper. Come on and walk me to class. Hey, look what I just
got.
He pulls a black box from his suit pocket.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) It’s a digital personal assistant, watch this.
He pulls out a stylus and writes on the screen of the box.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) I just sent myself a fax.
Sabrina– Well I know you’re really happy with your money
but you know easy come easy go.
She’s about to point at him as he continues to play with his
new toy but he turns to her suddenly making her hold her
fire.
Mr. Pool– Oh did I tell ya? I’m funding a grant. It’s called
Eugene Pool award for burned out teachers. Healing begins
now.
Sabrina– That’s a beautiful dream.
She makes ready with the finger once more.
Mr. Pool– Oh man, I just wish everybody could be as happy
as I am.
Sabrina– Mr. Pool!
Mr. Pool– Hm?
She just can’t bring herself to ruin his happy mood.
Sabrina– Just enjoy the next forty minutes.
Mr. Pool– Of course, it’s time for science.
Int. Science class.
Mr. Pool– Aerobic respiration is correct! Well done Timmy,
here you go.
He tosses a gold nugget up behind his back and flips it over
to the boy who answered the question. Everyone applauds
the toss and the catch.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) And remember everyone. You should learn
for the sake of learning and not just for gold.
Sabrina checks her watch. Only a couple of minutes to her
deadline, she can’t put it off much longer.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Well that’s my last lump for now, I’ll just
make some more up tonight.
He taps his head with his finger.
Mr. Pool– (Cont. to himself) Oh you’ve got it wired up here.
Sabrina winces as she points and Mr. Pool starts to tap his
head harder then knock on it with his fist as his expression
changes from a happy smile to desperate horror.
Mr. Pool– No! No! It’s gone! I’ve lost it! I never wrote it
down! Oh this is a ter-rible thing. <Sob, sob, sob>
Int. School cafeteria. Sabrina sits alone feeling depressed.
Jenny enters looking very chipper.
Jenny– Hi Sabrina. (she sits) You look bummed.
Sabrina– Yeah, like everyone else.
Jenny– Oh I’m not bummed, I made my peace with the
universal meatloaf.
Sabrina– Really?
Jenny– Yeah, watch. (Standing, to all) Can I have your
attention! I just wanted to say that I ran for president
because I thought the job was about more than dances and
lunch food. I was wrong so I think you’ll be better off with
Libby.
Libby looks stunned for a moment as everyone applauds but
soon recovers.
Libby– I’m in control? Yes! And I am one step closer to the
Whitehouse.
Sabrina– (To Jenny) Nice speech. So you’re happy?
Jenny– Very, I’d much rather be jaded than naive.
Sabrina– Who wouldn’t?
Jenny leaves as Harvey comes over still sporting his sling.
Harvey– Hey Sabrina, you know when you were feeling
sorry for me yesterday?
Sabrina– You mean in that blameless third party sort of
way?
Harvey– Well you should know that since I’ve been injured
I’ve been having a lot of fun. I’m reading more, I’m writing
more, I even think my grades are going to improve.
Sabrina– Wow! So this sitting around thing is really working
for you.
Harvey– Yeah, I’m super happy not playing football, just
don’t tell my dad.
Int. Science class. Mr. Pool is still desperately trying to
remember the lead into gold formula. He writes frantically on
the chalk board.
Mr. Pool– ‘A’ equals ‘A’. Of course ‘A’ equals ‘A’, it’s obvious,
it doesn’t need to be stated. ‘B’…
Sabrina enters.
Sabrina– Mr. Pool?
Mr. Pool– What! Oh it’s you.
Sabrina– Do you have a minute?
Mr. Pool– Yes, a lifetime of them and now they’re going by
very slowly.
Sabrina– Y’know I was just thinking that Jenny’s happier not
being class president and Harvey’s happier not starting in the
football team and, well it made me think that maybe you’ll be
happier not being rich.
Mr. Pool– Hm, happier not being rich? Are you nuts! Being
rich is everything I ever dreamed of and now it’s gone, it’s all
gone.
He grabs his briefcase from the desk and once again the
handle comes away dumping his stuff all over the floor.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Not again! Sabrina, could you help me?
He gets down on his knees and starts to pick up the papers
and coupons.
Sabrina– I’m sorry Mr. Pool, I’m not supposed to help
anyone.
Mr. Pool looks up at her looking so sad she can’t just leave
him.
Sabrina– (Cont.) But I guess one last time wont hurt.
She gets down to help.
Mr. Pool– Oh why couldn’t somebody just destroy me.
Sabrina– It can’t be that bad. I have a feeling thing’s’ll get
better real soon, and who knows, maybe you’ll find a new
briefcase.
Mr. Pool– Yeah, right.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina comes out of the science class
room and does her magic little pointing thing leaving a brand
new kid leather briefcase with the monogram E. P. on it
outside the classroom door. It’s finishing touch, a pink ribbon
bow. She leaves as Principle Larue comes down the hallway
and does a double take when he spots the case. He looks up
and down the hallway, picks up the case, inspects it, rips the
bow off and stuffs the ribbon in his pocket and walks off with
the case whistling.
Int. School hallway later. Principle Larue comes out of the
teachers lounge with his new briefcase.
Run credits.
Mr. Pool catches him in the hall with his own case under his
arm stuck together with duct tape.
Mr. Pool– Steve! Ah, sir?
Principle Larue– What is it Pool?
Mr. Pool– I-I-I was wondering, er, if I came by on Saturday
if maybe I could… wash your car?
Principle Larue– So! Mr. Rockafeller wants to wash my car.
Y’know the only problem is I’ve found a fifteen year old who’ll
do it for two bucks cheaper.
Mr. Pool– I can beat that, I’m having a back in the same old
rut special.
Principle Larue– Well I guess I’ll see you Saturday.
Mr. Pool– Oh great!
Principle Larue leaves.
Mr. Pool– (Calling after) And er by the way, that’s a
beautiful briefcase.
Geek Like Me
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Geek Like Me
Written By – Rachel Lipman
Transcribed By – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Jenny – Michelle Beaudoin
Libby – Jenna Leigh Green
Mr Pool – Paul Feig
Cee Cee – Melissa Murray
Jill – Bridget Flanery
Gordie – Curtis Andersen
Cicero – Mark Fite
Sherman – Henry Hien Cong
Howard – James D. Fields
Matt Sabetti – John Knight
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Zelda’s having a spring clean
of the linen closet. Already a set of pink, plastic flamingo
garden ornaments have been ditched. Hilda picks one up and
caresses it as Zelda drags out a suit of armour.
Zelda– …And we are definitely getting rid of this.
Hilda– My cuirass! Where did you find it? You can’t throw
that away.
Zelda– Oh give me a brake Hilda, you haven’t used your
cuirass for centuries.
Hilda picks it up and hugs it while Zelda goes back into the
closet.
Hilda– Oh I’ve just been waiting for it to come back into
style.
Zelda– Hm-mm, and when were you going to use this?
Hilda– Oh my mace! Oh remember the good times? Party!
She waves the lethal, spiked, weapon around dancing.
Zelda– Only you would be nostalgic for the dark-ages.
Zelda strains as she pushes the next item out of the closet.
Zelda– (Cont.) I never want to trip over this again.
Hilda– My cannon!
Zelda– Why would you want to keep an instrument of
destruction in the house?
Hilda– Sentimental reasons?
Zelda– We don’t have room for all this junk.
Hilda– Junk! You call this junk?
Zelda– Put the mace down. All right, I’ll make you a deal.
You have a week, if you use these things you can keep them
if not, they go.
Hilda– Fine, I accept because it just so happens that you
selected three items that are very useful to me. Now if you’ll
excuse me I’m going to put my cannon away.
She bends down and pushes the heavy artillery across the
landing were it just happens to be pointing at Sabrina’s
bedroom door as it opens.
Sabrina– Okay! Okay! I’ll clean my room.
Hilda– (To Zelda) See? I told you it was useful.
Run opening credits.
Int. Westbridge High School Biology class. Mr. Pool is holding
up a scull and waggling the jaw.
Mr. Pool– …And the best way to remember it is, mandible
has a ‘B’ and that stands for bottom.
Harvey turns round to Sabrina.
Harvey– But how do we remember maxilla?
Sabrina– It’s the other one.
The school bell rings and the kids start packing up their stuff.
Mr. Pool– Oh wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Er before you
bolt, Gordie has a very important announcement that just
might change your lives. Take it away.
Gordie stands up at the front of the class and pulls out a
piece of paper.
Gordie– (Reading) Okay, in fifteen eighty-one Galileo
began….
Mr. Pool– (Interrupting) Make it quick Gordie.
Gordie– Jumping to the end of the millennium, the Science
Club will be meeting every day after school to celebrate
national science week.
Libby– You mean national geek week.
Gordie– We hope you’ll all join us. Any questions?
Libby– Yeah, can we get outa here?
Gordie– Sure. Oh, sign up early, win a ham.
Mr. Pool– (To Gordie) It’s a tough room, Gordie. Believe me,
I know.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina’s at her locker, Jenny’s with her.
Gordie’s having trouble with his locker as Libby and her
friends, Jill and Cee Cee, come round the corner in their
cheerleading outfits. As they pass Gordie the locker door
suddenly becomes un-jammed and hits Gordie on the head.
Libby– Hey Gordie, why don’t you come up with a scientific
explanation for why you’re such a loser?
Cee Cee– Wesson head.
Jill– Zit master.
The three cheerleaders walk off down the hallway laughing.
Gordie closes his locker and hurries off embarrassed in the
opposite direction.
Sabrina– (To Jenny) Poor Gordie, I feel so bad for him.
Jenny– Well he needs to be more in touch with his audience.
No one knows or cares what Galileo did in fifteen eighty-one.
Sabrina– He entered the university of Pisa.
Jenny– Sabrina, I didn’t know you were a geek.
Sabrina– I’m not, I just like science. Does that make me a
geek?
Jenny– No, I guess not.
Sabrina– And, you know, I’m even thinking of going by the
Science Club after school.
Jenny– Okay now that could be a problem.
Sabrina– Why?
Jenny– Because this is high school. If you show passion or
enthusiasm for anything you’re doomed. You might as well
be wearing a big ‘Kick Me’ sign.
She turns and walks down the hallway, Sabrina follows and
surreptitiously pulls the big ‘Kick Me’ sign from Jenny’s back.
Int. School cafeteria. Harvey joins Sabrina and Jenny at their
table.
Jenny– Hey Harvey. Help us out, Sabrina’s got a problem.
Harvey– What’s up?
Sabrina– Well I was thinking of joining the Science Club.
Harvey– Really! I didn’t know you were a geek?
Sabrina– I’m not. That’s the problem, I’m afraid everyone
will think I am.
Harvey– Well they will.
Jenny– (To Harvey) I explained that we can’t change the
whole system just for her.
Sabrina– Well why does everyone have to be stuffed in a
category? I mean I don’t get it, look around.
She points to the table where Libby and all her friends sit in
their cheerleading outfits.
Sabrina– (Cont.) The cheerleaders only eat with the
cheerleaders,
She points to the other side where Gordie and his pals sit in
their geek outfits.
Sabrina– (Cont.)The geek’s only eat with the geek’s. I just
don’t want to be labelled.
Harvey– You have no choice. You have a grace period as a
new student but pretty soon you’re going to be stereotyped.
Sabrina– Well what are you guys?
Harvey– Well I’m a quasi-jock with semi-literary aspirations
and a hint of denialism.
Sabrina– If only it was that simple for me. Jenny, what are
you?
Jenny– I tried to be an outsider but I didn’t really fit in. Now
Libby calls me a freak and I’m okay with that.
Sabrina– Well why can’t I just be me?
Harvey– That’s a pretty small group.
Suddenly the cheerleaders table springs into energetic life as
Libby leads the girls in a cheer waving her pom-pom’s .
Libby– We’ve got spirit,
The rest jump up and join in.
Cheerleaders– Let’s hear it.
They all move into position and start kicking and dancing,
Pom-pom’s shake everywhere.
Cheerleaders– Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go! Let’s go!
Sabrina– (To Harvey and Jenny) I think we should take her
advice and just go.
Libby– It’s spirit week at Westbridge, we’re playing
Eastbridge this weekend and we’re number one.
Harvey– Yeah, in turn overs and penalties.
Libby– We’ll be wearing our uniforms every day this week
and leading cheers at lunch reminding you to support our
team. Ready?
Cheerleaders– Okay! East meets West and we know who’s
the best. Whoooo!
Sabrina– I don’t get it. I mean to me that looks geeky. How
can she do that and still be so popular?
Jenny– Libby’s not popular, she’s powerful.
Sabrina– Well how did she get the power?
Jenny– She seized it and as long as there are people backing
her up she’ll keep it, it’s all very Stalin.
Harvey– I don’t know what you guys are talking about,
Libby’s always been nice to me.
Sabrina– I’m going to get more tatter-tots.
Harvey– I’ll go with you.
They get up and head for the serving area passing Libby.
Harvey carries on round the corner but Sabrina stops to
watch Libby’s Finale.
Libby– See you tomorrow. We’re number one.
She throws up her arm and turns… right into Gordie who’s
taking his tray to the waste bin. The tray and everything on it
clatters to the floor.
Libby– Watch where you’re going geek! You got my uniform
wet.
Gordie– I’m sorry.
Libby– Oh you are so transferred.
Sabrina– Libby, lay off him. It was an accident.
Libby– It’s just like a freak to defend a geek. Maybe the two
of you can get weekend jobs at the carnival.
Libby walks off passing Harvey as he returns, She smiles at
him.
Libby– (Cont.) Hi Harvey.
Harvey– Hi.
Libby continues out of the cafeteria, Harvey joins Sabrina.
Harvey– (Cont.) See? She’s nice.
Int. School hallway. Jenny comes up to Sabrina at her locker.
Jenny– Sabrina, I thought you were going to the Science
Club?
Sabrina– I am, in a minute as per our previous discussion.
She points down the hallway where Libby is with her friends.
She doesn’t want her finding out.
Jenny– Oh got it. Later.
Jenny leaves.
Int. Science class. The Science Club is getting underway,
supervised by Mr. Pool.
Mr. Pool– Well this is a delightful turn out. Five, the same as
last year which means none of you were killed at summer
camp. Ha ha.
The five members of the Science Club look at one another,
not getting it.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Okay, er I see Sherman’s sporting a new
look, did you get contacts?
Sherman– (Squinting) No, someone stole my glasses.
Mr. Pool– All right. Well er let’s begin by discussing the
biggest scientific breakthrough in recent months, the possible
evidence of life on Mars. Er what does this discovery mean to
us?
Five arms shoot up as one.
Mr. Pool– Howard?
Howard– It means that the governments been covering this
up for years and that Scully and Mulder are right, the truth is
out there!
The rest of the guys agree whole heartedly and volubly.
Mr. Pool– All right, calm down, calm down. Look how many
times do we have to go over this? The X files is fiction, Scully
and Mulder are played by actors. Oh now come on, don’t get
upset.
Sabrina enters a little late due to having to wait for Libby to
go.
Sabrina– Hi, is this Science Club?
Mr. Pool– Did you leave something in your desk, Sabrina?
Sabrina– No, I was thinking of joining, unless you’re all filled
up.
Mr. Pool– Not at all, everyone’s welcome. Have a seat.
Gordie– (To himself) There’s a girl in Science Club, don’t
panic.
Sabrina– Hey, how’s it going?
Gordie– Aherehgh!
Int. School hallway. Sabrina comes out of the science class
with Gordie and Sherman. Gordie carries a stack of books.
Sabrina– I never knew a pickle could be used as a light
bulb.
Gordie– Oh it’s super-versatile.
The top book slides of the stack onto the floor. Gordie picks it
up and they leave.
Sabrina– (Calling after) Bye guys, see you later.
She heads down the hallway in the other direction only to see
Libby coming towards her. She quickly back steps to her
locker and turns the combination.
Libby– What are you doing here so late? Was there a
meeting of the freak society?
Sabrina– Libby why don’t you just….
Mr. Pool– (Passing, to Sabrina) Hey, great having you in
Science Club Sabrina. Don’t forget to bring your rock tumbler
tomorrow.
Sabrina’s so embarrassed she delves into her locker for her
school books so she doesn’t have to face Libby’s scorn.
Libby– You went to Science Club! That is too perfect, you’re
a geek in freaks clothing.
Sabrina turns to Libby.
Sabrina– I am not a geek!
In turning so sharply she dislodges one of her books. The top
one hits the floor with a loud slap. Both girls look down at it
for a moment.
Sabrina– (Cont.) That doesn’t prove anything.
She bends down to pick up the book.
Libby– Oh here let me help you.
She bends down also reaching for the book but as Sabrina’s
about to get it she gives it a kick sending it sliding down the
hallway.
Libby– (Cont.) See you later… geek.
She walks off laughing.
Int. Spellman living room. Zelda plays the piano. Hilda enters
dancing to the music and wearing her cuirass. She spins but
the weight of the armour throws her off balance and she
staggers sideways.
Hilda– Look it still fits and it’s great for lounging around the
house.
Zelda– That doesn’t count as a use.
Hilda– Why not?
Zelda– No one wears metal after labour day.
Sabrina enters from school.
Sabrina– Aunt Hilda, what’s the range on your cannon?
Hilda– I’ll get it, we’ll find out.
Zelda– Hilda! will you please sit down?
Hilda sits clumsily on the settee.
Zelda– (Cont.) Sabrina, a cannon is not a solution for a land
based problem.
Zelda and Sabrina watch as Hilda struggles around on the
settee to sit upright. Once she achieves an apparently casual
and comfortable position she smiles.
Zelda– (Cont.) What’s going on?
Sabrina– Libby caught me coming out of Science Club.
Zelda– You went to Science Club? Oh that’s wonderful.
Sabrina– No, it’s not. Now Libby thinks I’m a complete geek.
Hilda– I knew this would happen, it’s Zelda’s influence. I
begged you to watch TV with me so you’d be normal.
Zelda– Oh be quiet.
With a point Zelda adds an essential accessory to Hilda’s
armour. A helmet complete with visor.
Hilda– Hey! It’s dark in here.
Zelda– (To Sabrina) Now, it shouldn’t bother you what Libby
says.
Sabrina– It shouldn’t but it does. I wanna use my magic to
teach Libby a lesson.
Zelda– That sounds very constructive.
Sabrina– I’m going to give her a snout
Hilda raises her visor.
Hilda– Oh good idea!
Zelda flicks her finger in Hilda’s direction and the visor snaps
shut again.
Zelda– You need to talk to my friend Cicero, he’s an expert
on these matters. Come on, we’ll look him up in the book.
She grabs hold of Sabrina’s hand and drags her off to the
stairs.
Zelda– (Cont.) Are you coming Hilda?
Hilda– Yes…
She tries to stand.
Hilda– (Cont.) … No… I can’t. My outfits too heavy… but it’s
very useful.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Zelda flips through the magic book
while Sabrina watches on.
Sabrina– See, when you said ‘look him up in the book’ I
thought you meant phone book.
Zelda– No, magic book. Cicero is figure three-A. He’s one of
the ancient geeks. Oh there he is.
In the book is a picture of a man dressed in a roman toga
and wearing a laurel wreath. The heavy dark rimmed
spectacles are the only things that mark him as a geek.
Zelda– (Cont.) Hello Cicero.
Cicero– There’s a girl looking at me. Mmm, don’t panic.
Zelda– (To Sabrina) Ask him what he’d do, he’s very
knowledgeable.
Sabrina– Hey Cicero, I’m Sabrina and I have a question.
Cicero– Ask away but make it quick. If the centurions catch
me here it’s a guaranteed swirly in the aqueduct.
Sabrina– Okay. See there’s this girl in my school and she
keeps calling me a geek and I really don’t like it.
Cicero– I suggest that you ignore her, okay. Bye bye.
The image of Cicero starts edging towards the edge of the
picture.
Sabrina– No wait! I can’t ignore her, no one can ignore her.
You’ve gotta help.
Cicero– Well there are two ways to teach her a lesson. The
first is to just give her a snout.
Sabrina– (To Zelda) I knew it.
Zelda– (To Cicero) What’s the second.
Cicero– Give her a taste of her own medicine, turn her into a
geek. She’ll see how it feels and she’ll learn that it’s what’s
inside that really counts.
Sabrina– But how can I do that?
Cicero– A simple spell, just…
He demonstrates, touching the bridge of his nose and then
pointing.
Cicero– (Cont.) ..point.
Sabrina– Like this?
She copies his action.
Cicero– Well actually you just have to point. My glasses
were slipping.
Zelda– Thank you Cicero, you’ve been a big help.
Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Gordie manages to hit
himself on the head with his locker door again just as Libby
passes in her cheerleaders kit.
Libby– Nice move four eyes.
Gordie quickly retreats as Libby opens her locker. Sabrina
watches from further down the hall and points at Libby.
Libby’s locker door swings open and smacks her on her head.
She turns rubbing her forehead just as Jill and Cee Cee come
round the corner.
Jill– Hi Libby.
Cee Cee– Are you okay?
Libby– Oh my eye balls have started itching, it must be my
contacts. I’ll be right back.
She heads off to the bathroom.
Jill– (To Cee Cee) Libby wears contacts?
School Hallway a little later. Libby walks down the hallway
and stops by the drinking fountain. She bends down, takes a
drink, straightens up, pushes her glasses back up her nose
and wipes the back of her hand across her lips. She goes
back to her locker where her friends still wait.
Libby– Much better.
Jill– Oh my god!
Cee Cee– What happened to you? You look totally weird.
Libby– I took my contacts out.
Jill– But what did you do to your hair?
Libby– Oh, well I ran my fingers through it a couple of
times. Doesn’t it look shiny?
Cee Cee– More like greasy.
Jill– What’s with the uniform?
Libby– I was cold so I pulled up my socks. It’s function over
fashion.
Jill– Since when!
The school bell rings and Libby dives into her locker for her
books.
Libby– Oh, the bell! We’ll be late for class.
Jill– We’re always late for class, that’s what we do.
Libby– But we might miss something that’s on a test, come
on.
She slams her locker shut and runs to class passing Sabrina
along the way. Sabrina’s smiling happily.
Libby– What are you looking at?
Libby hurries on.
Int. School Cafeteria. Sabrina’s sat at a table and sees her
friends come from the serving area with their trays.
Sabrina– Hey Harvey, Jenny, over here.
They join her at the table.
Harvey– You look happy.
Jenny– What’s going on?
Sabrina– Oh just a new world order… and butterscotch
pudding.
Harvey– Oh boy, butterscotch pudding.
He reaches for a finger full of Sabrina’s but she snatches it
back possessively.
At the cheerleaders table only Libby, Jill and Cee Cee are left
sitting.
Jill– Hair check, Matt Sabetti’s heading this way.
Libby licks her fingers and flattens her centre parting down
as the big senior letterman walks up.
Matt Sabetti– Hi girls.
Jill– Hi.
Libby– Huhuuhuhuh!
Matt gives her a funny look and walks away.
Jill– (To Libby) What was that noise?
Libby– (Coughing) My asthma just kicked in, I need my
inhaler.
Cee Cee– Get it later, it’s time to cheer.
They get up and take their positions.
Libby– We’ve got spirit.
She trips and stumbles over a chair leg.
Cheerleaders– Let’s hear it.
Libby– Ready?
She pushes her glasses up her nose and the pom-pom that’s
in her hand irritates her nose making her sniff.
Cheerleaders– Okay
The group of cheerleaders lead off to the left, Libby goes to
the right
Cheerleaders– East meets West and we know who’s the….
Jill– AW!!
Libby is completely out of sync with the rest of the group and
manages to catch Jill in the face with her pom-pom.
Jill– (Cont.) You poked me in the eye.
Cee Cee– Emergency huddle.
The girls all crowd round in the huddle.
Cee Cee– (To Libby) Not you.
Libby– You’re huddling without me! You can’t huddle without
me. You can’t exclude me!
Cee Cee– We just did.
Jill– You’re sitting out spirit week, Chessler, you’re a threat
to the whole team.
Libby– But where will I go? Who will I sit with?
Cee Cee– I’m sure you’d fit in over there.
Libby looks where Cee Cee had pointed to see the geek’s
table were they laugh uproariously at Howard who has two
French frys sticking out of his nose.
Libby– I don’t think so.
She turns back to the departing cheerleaders but collides
with Matt Sabetti, knocking his tray from his hands.
Matt Sabetti– Watch where you’re going, geek!
Libby– Who do you think you’re talking to? Just because I
wear glasses and have asthma and want to do well in school
does not mean that I’m a…
Something horrible catches at the back of her throat making
her snort.
Libby– (Cont.) Oh no!
She runs from the cafeteria, tripping on the way. Sabrina and
the gang have been watching the show and the ever
observant Harvey comes to a conclusion.
Harvey– There’s something different about Libby, did she
change her hair?
Sabrina decides to do a little cheer of her own.
Sabrina– Ready? okay. It’s spirit week and Libby’s now a
geek.
Jenny– People are laughing at Libby. I know it’s mean to say
this, but Yes!!
Harvey– Hey, she’s always been nice to me.
Sabrina and Jenny give him an exasperated look.
Sabrina– I’m going to go talk to her.
Jenny– But whatever Libby’s going through doesn’t involve
you.
Sabrina– Who said it did? It’s not like I feel responsible, I’m
just a really empathetic person. Gotta go.
Int. Girls’ bathroom. Sabrina enters and it appears empty.
Sabrina– Libby?
One of the stall doors is closed but no feet are visible
beneath.
Sabrina– (Cont.) I know you’re in here, I can hear you
wheezing.
She pushes open the unlocked stall door to reveal Libby
squatting on top of the toilet with her inhaler.
Libby– What do you want?
Sabrina– I just came to talk.
Libby– Don’t you mean gloat?
Sabrina– I can talk and gloat at the same time. Look Libby,
I thought you might need a friend.
Libby– Why, because all my other friends dumped me? Don’t
they realise that geeks have needs and wants and feelings?
If you trip us do we not fall? If you prick us do we not scream
and pass out?
Sabrina– And what did that teach you?
Libby– To hate cheerleaders.
Sabrina– No. It teaches you that it’s what’s inside that
counts.
Libby– That’s what I’ve learned?
Sabrina– Man, I hope so.
Libby– Wait a minute, let me process this. It’s what’s inside
that counts, so no matter how I look or dress I’m still me,
I’m still Libby Chessler. This is very exciting.
Unfortunately too much excitement brings on her asthma.
Sabrina– But not over exciting.
Libby– Let’s go back to lunch.
Int. School cafeteria. Libby storms in with determination and
heads straight for the geeks table.
Libby– Can I sit here?
Gordie, Howard, Sherman and their fellow geek’s look up in
horrified surprise that Libby, the arch geek baiter, would ask
that question. Libby holds up her inhaler.
Libby– (Cont.) Relax, I’m one of you.
She laughs with a little snort and the geeks immediately
recognise one of their own and accept her. Sabrina returns to
her own table.
Jenny– What’s going on, Libby’s sitting with the geeks?
Harvey– See, I told you she was nice.
Jenny– What did you say to her?
Sabrina– I just told her to be herself.
At the geek’s table Libby is being exactly that.
Libby– Let’s talk about power. How to get it; how to keep it.
She pushes her glasses firmly up her nose.
Gordie– Hey did you see ‘Xena, warrior princess’ last night?
Libby– Quiet, this is important.
Int. School hallway. Jenny catches up with Sabrina.
Jenny– Are you catching the bus?
Sabrina– No, I’m going to Science Club.
Jenny– Are you sure you wanna broadcast that?
Sabrina– Yeah I do. Today the halls are safe for geeks.
Just then a geek raps himself hard on the head with his
locker door.
Sabrina– (Cont.) But you can’t protect them from
themselves.
Int. Science class. The Science Club is in session as Sabrina
enters.
Sabrina– Hey, I brought my rock tumbler.
They all turn to her, including Libby.
Libby– May we help you?
Sabrina– What are you doing here?
Libby– I’m the new president and by the way, membership
is closed. Science Club is now limited to six people.
Sherman– That’s how many can fit in the space shuttle.
Sabrina– You can’t do that. Where’s Mr. Pool?
Libby– I sent him for Tang and Fig Newtons. Besides, you
don’t belong here. You’re not a total geek, is she guys?
The Science Club– No, she’s not.
Howard– Yeah, you never sat with us at lunch.
Sherman– And what’s you eye sight, twenty-twenty?
They laugh,
Sabrina– Well stab me in the back with a protractor why
don’t you? I can’t believe you guys are siding with Libby? She
used to make fun of you all the time.
Sherman– Yeah, but now she’s our leader.
Gordie– (Under his breath) She’s not my leader.
Libby– What did you say, Gordie?
Gordie– I said… you’re not my leader… you, you’re pushy
and bossy….
He edges past Libby and runs to hide behind the diminutive
figure of Sabrina.
Gordie– (Cont.) ..And if Sabrina goes, I go.
Int. School hallway. Gordie and Sabrina run out of the
science class at full pelt.
Sabrina– That was very brave of you, Gordie.
Gordie– Don’t talk, run!
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Salem’s lay on the table swishing his
tail. Hilda is preparing a steak. She talks between whacks.
Hilda– Look Salem, I’m tenderising the beef with my mace.
It’s a deadly weapon and a handy kitchen tool.
Salem– Oh please, we’ve all seen the infomercial.
Sabrina enters from the back door.
Hilda– Hi Sabrina.
Sabrina– I just had a big stinky day. Aunt Hilda, my magic
never works the way I want it to.
Hilda– Would it make you feel better to pound some beef?
Sabrina– Maybe.
She takes the mace from Hilda
Sabrina– (Cont.) Well you’ll be happy to know I got kicked
out of the Science Club.
She gives a vicious whack with the mace for emphasis
Hilda– How come?
Sabrina– Because Libby says I’m not a total geek.
Hilda– I thought you were upset yesterday because she said
that you were one?
Sabrina– Yes.
Another vicious whack.
Hilda– There is no pleasing you.
Sabrina continues to attack the meat with heavy spiked
weapon until Hilda intervenes.
Hilda– (Cont.) All right, you’re a little too good at that. Let’s
take a break.
Sabrina feels slightly better and goes to the fridge for some
bottled water.
Salem– Hey can I lick the mace?
Hilda– Oh all right but be careful.
She puts it down on the table and he licks carefully at the
sharp spikes.
Salem– Mmm, ouch! But it’s worth it.
Sabrina– You know the point was to teach Libby that it’s
what’s inside that counts but I just forgot that inside she’s
just a manipulative, conniving dictator.
Hilda– So are you reconsidering the snout?
Sabrina– No, I’m just going to turn her back to normal. I
think I need to pound some more beef.
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Libby has ditched her
cheerleaders uniform for her geeks uniform. Her hair in
bunches and thick rimmed glasses, blouse fastened to the
top button and a turtleneck sweater. She leads the geek
gang as they terrorise the halls of Westbridge. Two
unsuspecting victims talk happily.
Libby– Hey Cee Cee, nice uniform. What does the ‘W’ stand
for? Where’s my brain?
Cee Cee– Get away you geeks.
Sherman– Hey look at me, I’m Jill and I wash my hair
everyday.
Libby– Shields down, direct hit. Fire again.
Howard– Hey, how many cheerleaders does it take to screw
in a pickle?
Jill– I don’t get it.
Libby– You wouldn’t.
She advances on her one time friend and the cheerleaders
flee in panic. Libby and the geek squad laugh. Sabrina has
watched the unprovoked attack from her locker and an
excited Jenny joins her.
Jenny– Did you see that? The cheerleaders are being teased
by the geeks. The revolution is upon us.
Sabrina– I wouldn’t be too sure about that.
Sabrina casually points towards Libby undoing the geek spell.
Libby– (To the geek’s) That’s funny, my eye balls stopped
itching.
She takes off her glasses and inspects them but sees nothing
wrong and puts them back on. She and her friends walk
down the hallway towards Sabrina and Jenny.
Libby– (Cont.) So anyway, I checked out the radar game
check website and I think I’m going to link it to my home
page.
Sabrina– Hey Libby, can I speak with you a moment?
Libby– Make it quick, I don’t wanna be seen talking with
you.
Sabrina– Okay. Well, y’know I was just wondering if you’d
tried doing any cheers lately? I bet you could.
Libby– Any seal can clap.
She claps her hands to make her point.
Libby– (Cont.) I am a higher life form.
Libby pushes her glasses up her nose with conviction and
walks off.
Sabrina– (To Jenny) I never would have guessed it but I
think Libby really likes being a geek.
Jenny– Doesn’t surprise me. Libby doesn’t care what group
she’s in, as long as she can exclude people she’s happy.
Int. School hallway, later. Sabrina comes up to Jenny at her
locker with a great idea.
Sabrina– Jenny, I want you to come to Science Club with
me.
Jenny– Sorry, I’m not into organised science.
Sabrina– Maybe I can convince you?
Jenny– I doubt it.
Sabrina points and Jenny’s locker door springs open
smacking her on the forehead.
Jenny– Aw! I hope I didn’t suffer a hematoma.
Sabrina– Save it for club. Come on.
Further down the hall they spot Harvey coming out of the
library.
Sabrina– Hey Harvey.
Harvey– Hey guys, what’s up?
He walks across the hall to his locker to put the library book
away.
Sabrina– Do ya wanna come to Science Club?
Harvey– No way.
He turns back to his locker and Sabrina fires off her finger.
Harvey cracks his head with the locker door.
Harvey– Weird, suddenly I wish I had every episode of
‘Mystery science theatre’ on tape.
Jenny– Hurry up, we’re going to be late.
Sabrina– Calm down, I’ll be right back. Stay here.
Sabrina walks off down the hallway and Annie Oakley has
nothing on this girl. She’s quick on the draw and deadly
accurate as students unexplainably smack their heads with
locker doors. Not prone to mercy she even plugs Jill and Cee
Cee with her geek guns before going into the girls’ bathroom
to stand before the mirror.
Sabrina– (To herself) For the good of mankind. I can’t look.
She turns her head away as she fire one last time.
Int. School science class. The Science Club is underway.
Howard– And the handwriting recognition on my Newton
turned it into ‘Are you afraid of the dork’
The geeks laugh, Libby spraying her mouth full of OJ. There’s
a knock at the classroom door and Mr. Pool gets up.
Mr. Pool– I’ll get it.
He opens the door to find Sabrina, she’s subtly changed. Her
loose blond hair is pulled severely back into a pony tail, her
blouse is buttoned right up to the neck and tucked into her
pants which are pulled up high revealing the top of her ankle
socks and she’s acquired a pair of glasses and a silly smile. A
geek to the itchy eye balls.
Sabrina– Hello Mr. Pool.
Mr. Pool– Sabrina!
Sabrina– Let’s talk Philip K. Dick.
Libby– Hey, you can’t come in here.
Mr. Pool– Well of course she can.
Sabrina– And I’ve brought some friends with me. (Calling
out into the hallway) Come on guys.
The Geek parade makes it’s way in.
Harvey– Hello.
Jenny– Hey,
Jill– Hi.
Cee Cee– Hi.
Jenny and Sabrina go to high five but miss and the real
geeks look on in shock and amazement.
Mr. Pool– Are you all here for Science Club?
Harvey– Yeah, science rocks!
Mr. Pool– Welcome! Welcome! Oh what a happy day, I’ve
touched you kids. I’m going to save the space programme.
Libby– Wait one nanosecond. Science Club was supposed to
be exclusively for geeks.
Sabrina– It is, but now we’re all geeks.
Mr. Pool– Right now the Science Club is for everyone.
Libby– Are you kidding? This isn’t a club, it’s just a bunch of
people with shared interests hanging out together.
She whips off her glasses.
Libby– (Cont.) Well not me. I’m going home to wash my
hair.
She storms out.
Mr. Pool– (Calling after) Wait, don’t leave, you’ll miss out.
The rest of us are going to play with really strong magnets.
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda is just heading up stairs as
Sabrina comes through the front door still geekyfied. Hilda
turns and gasps in horror.
Hilda– Look at you. Geeked to the gills, this is awful. I blame
myself, no wait, I blame Zelda.
Zelda enters from the basement. Hilda shows her her niece.
Hilda– (Cont.) This is all your fault.
Zelda– My fault? Oh Sabrina you look adorable and so
smart.
Sabrina– I feel smart and you know what? I learned
something. No matter what we’re labelled Libby will always
be Libby and I will always be me.
Hilda– You had to become a geek to figure that out?
Sabrina– Well it’s actually rather complex. I just put it in
layman’s terms for you.
Zelda– I have to do that all the time.
Hilda– Oh, so what are you saying, you dumb things down
for me?
Zelda– Well, C colon backslash D’ah!
Hilda– Would you speak English.
Zelda– You are always ….
Hilda– Oh if you’re so smart….
Zelda– …pulling science down…
Hilda– … I have knowledge you don’t too…
Zelda– …. Without knowledge we’d…
Sabrina silences the argument with a double point giving
both her aunts a plumed helmet each.
Sabrina– I’m going to take a shower.
She heads up stairs. The arguments continues somewhat
muted by the heavy iron helmets and visors.
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Gordie runs to class
with his books, one of them slips to the floor as the newly re-
cheerleaderised Libby comes up with her old chums Jill and
Cee Cee.
Libby– Here let me help.
She makes as if to kick the book down the hallway but stays
her foot.
Libby– (Cont.) Wait a minute.
She bends down, picks up the book and hands it back to
Gordie.
Libby– (Cont.) Here you go, Gordie.
Gordie– You’re setting me up aren’t you?
He makes a break for it and runs off.
Cee Cee– Oh, so now we’re helping geeks?
Libby– Well I just don’t feel like making fun of them
anymore. You know geeks are people too.
They start to walk on down the hallway.
Jill– But if we can’t make fun of geeks, who will we make fun
of?
Libby– Hi Sabrina, Superfreak!
The cheerleaders walk on and Sabrina turns from her locker
and points. Libby walks through the fire escape doors with a
big ‘Kick me’ sign on her back. Well it gets Sabrina through
the day.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Zelda sits at the table typing into her
lap top computer.
Run credits.
Sabrina comes down the stairs.
Sabrina– I just thought you should know the kid next door is
chucking water balloons at our house.
Zelda– Mm, I know. Hilda already went out there, she said
she was going to do something about it.
Sabrina– He’s such a little creep, he’s going to break my
window.
Hilda– (OS) Arr! prepare to be boarded, Timmy!
There’s a loud boom and a flash from outside and the sound
of breaking glass.
Sabrina– What was that?
Hilda enters in a tri-corners hat and a soot blackened face.
She holds up her ram rod triumphantly.
Hilda– Yes! I used my cannon, it stays
A Halloween Story
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
A Halloween Story
Written By – Nell Scovell
Transcribed By – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Libby – Jenna Leigh Green
Sally Jessy Raphaël – Sally Jessy Raphaël
Amanda – Emily Hart
Granny – Diane McBain
Marigold – Robin Riker
M’Lady – Linda Kash
Mr. Altree – Jay Kogen
James Dean – Phillip Glasser
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Jack-o-lantern’s decorate the room,
Hilda and Zelda are happy and sing as they prepare
breakfast.
Hilda– (Singing) Core the pumpkin and come play.
Hilda and Zelda– (Singing) Halloween, o’happy day.
Halloween o’ ha-ppy day.
With a flick of her finger hilda lights the last lantern on the
last note. Sabrina comes down the stairs with her nap sack
ready for school.
Sabrina– What are you doing with Salem? I heard him
screeching.
Zelda– Very funny. We were singing a Halloween carol.
Hilda– Yes! Happy Halloween. I bet you couldn’t sleep last
night with all the excitement and anticipation?
Sabrina– I managed.
Zelda– Well that’s not the spirit. Halloween is our favourite
holiday, it’s a magical night.
Hilda– Yes, sing it Zeldy.
Zelda– (Singing) Have a jolly-olly-hollo-Halloween.
Hilda drags Sabrina up to dance but it’s too early for her to
expend that much energy.
Sabrina– Please stop singing. Look, I’m trying okay, I’m
going to school in a costume. Guess who I am?
She takes a pair of plastic red rimmed glassless glasses and
puts them on. Her aunts just look at her blankly.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Sally Jesse Raphaël. What, do I need a
microphone?
Hilda– That is the lamest costume I’ve ever seen.
Zelda– It’s just a pair of glasses.
Sabrina– There’s no foolin’ you. Well if you can do better, be
my guest.
Her aunts look at each other and nod, Hilda points. There’s a
puff of smoke where Sabrina was stood, it clears to reveal
her transformed into Sally Jesse Raphaël. Complete down to
every hair follicle. She even sounds like her.
Hilda– There.
Zelda– Much better.
Sabrina– What did you do? Oh man!
She goes and checks herself out in the mirror.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Next up, we are going to talk to a teenage
witch and her aunts who take things too far.
Zelda and Hilda– (Singing) Have a jolly-olly-hollo-
Halloween.
Have a jolly-olly-hollo-Halloween.
Run opening credits.
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina walks round
the corner in her costume, that’s the plastic red glasses, not
the complete body suit, and sees Harvey. She quickly whips
off the glasses before he sees them.
Harvey– Hey Sabrina, I got somethin’ for you. It’s kinda last
minute but here.
He gives her an invitation card.
Harvey– (Cont.) My parents are making me have an
Halloween party.
Sabrina– Bummer, next thing you know they’ll make you go
on a ski trip.
Harvey– No see my Dad always buys in bulk at these
discount clubs and we got a lot of snack food that expire in
November.
Sabrina– Oh so that’s why it says all food must be eaten by
midnight.
Harvey– I’m thinking about going as James Dean.
Sabrina– I love James Dean.
Harvey– Yeah, and all I needs a white T shirt, some jeans
and somethin’ to lean on. Anyway I was hoping you could
come early and help me set stuff up?
Sabrina– Oh I can’t.
The school bell rings and they start walking to class.
Sabrina– (Cont.) I’ve got a family thing. My aunts take
Halloween very seriously. I know it’s weird.
Harvey– No, no, my mom’s that way about flag day.
Sabrina– Well I wish I could help, I feel really bad.
Libby comes by.
Libby– I’ve got your invitation Harvey, see you at eight.
Unless you need me to come early and help?
Harvey– Sure.
Libby– No problem.
She leaves.
Harvey– (To Sabrina) Hey, and now you don’t have to feel
bad.
He leaves her feeling very, very bad.
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda sits at the piano as Sabrina
pleads her case to her and Zelda
Sabrina– Please, I have to go to Harvey’s party
Zelda– No!
Sabrina– What if I promise to be with the family all
thanksgiving?
Hilda– We’re not big on thanksgiving. That holiday was
started by puritans who weren’t exactly witch friendly.
Sabrina– So instead we celebrate a night devoted to little
kids dressing up like super-hero’s?
Zelda– That is not what all hallows eve is all about. It’s a
time for remembering the dead.
Sabrina– Oh that sounds like fun. I just know I’ll have a
terrible time.
Hilda– And that’s what family gatherings are all about. D’you
think I want to listen to cousin Marigold brag about how
married she is and how single I am? No.
Zelda– But we go, because it’s tradition.
Hilda– And Zelda makes me.
Sabrina– And now you’re making me?
Hilda– See? Tradition.
Zelda– I tell you what. If we get back in time you can still go
to Harvey’s party, okay?
Sabrina– Not okay, Libby’s going early, so unless I’m there
from the start I may as well go to the Other Realm and never
come back.
She stomps off upstairs in defeat.
Hilda– (To Zelda) Can I go to Harvey’s party?
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem’s resting on Sabrina’s bed but
he’s disturbed by her coming in and slamming her door
behind her.
Sabrina– It’s so unfair, they can’t make me go to the Other
Realm.
Salem– They made me a cat, you’re messing with the wrong
crowd.
Sabrina– So there’s no way I can go to Harvey’s party?
Salem– There might be. Get your magic book, turn to full
body duplication.
Sabrina– what’s that?
She gets the book and flips through the pages.
Salem– You can make a double who looks and acts just like
you.
Sabrina– Perfect, I’ll send my double to the family thing.
Salem– No can do, your aunts’d spot the switch in no time.
Sabrina– Well then my double will hold my place until I can
be with Harvey.
She finds the spell in the book.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Here goes. Double, double. Toil and
trouble.
Salem– Bill Shakspere stole that from us, what a hack.
There’s no puff of smoke, no twinkly lights or sounds and
decidedly no double.
Sabrina– It didn’t work.
Salem– Step aside.
She does and leaves behind a perfect duplicate of herself
down to every hair follicle… Oh, De jávú!
Sabrina– Wow! Amazing.
Salem– It can’t talk until you give it something to say and
keep in mind it can only say three sentences.
Sabrina– Let me think. I want my double to be positive
because people are always feel positive about positive
people.
Salem– My tuna’s coming up.
Sabrina– So let’s start with… ‘I’d love to.’
She points at her double and it turns to her and smiles.
Sabrina’s Double– I’d love to.
Sabrina– Okay, and I want me to be a good listener so let’s
try. ‘That is so true.’
She points again.
Sabrina’s Double– That is so true.
Sabrina– And we need a universal truth. Oh that’s easy. ‘Mr.
Pool can be so annoying.’
She points once more.
Sabrina’s Double– Mr. Pool can be so annoying.
Sabrina– Well then I guess I’m… we’re all set, except I need
a costume.
One final point and the duplicate Sabrina is dressed in a
lovely little black witches outfit complete with pointy hat.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Hey I look really cute.
Sabrina’s Double– That is so true.
Sabrina– (To Salem) I like me.
Salem– He-he-he-he.
Ext. Harvey’s front garden. Jackie Kennedy walks up to the
front door and rings the bell, Oh sorry, it’s Libby in her
costume. Sabrina and her double are hiding behind the
hedge.
Sabrina– (Whispering) Okay, that’s Libby, she’s really
annoying.
Sabrina’s Double– Mr. Pool can be so annoying.
Sabrina– Now your mission is to make sure she’s never
alone with Harvey, okay? Go.
The double gets up and nips through the hedge to stand at
Libby’s shoulder. Libby touches up her face with her compact
and turns to find she’s not alone.
Libby– Sabrina! You’re not supposed to be here, you are
totally butting in.
Sabrina’s Double– That is so true.
Harvey answers the door in his James Dean outfit. It has the
added touch of a red wind cheater. He leans against the door
frame for effect.
Harvey– Hey Libby, hi Sabrina, you made it! You know you
look really good as a witch.
Libby– Harvey, did you notice I’m dressed as Jackie O?
Harvey– Very classy. D’you guys wanna come in?
Sabrina’s Double– I’d love to.
Harvey– Great, Sabrina and I’ll put out the sodas and Jackie
you can fill the bath tub with cheesits.
Jackie glares at the witch as they both go inside. Sabrina still
watches from behind the hedge.
Sabrina– Yes! I’m in.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Zelda is in chivying mode.
Zelda– Come on you three, even with instantaneous
transport we’re going to be late.
Salem’s the first to arrive up the stairs done up is his Sunday
best white, winged collar and red bow tie.
Salem– Coming. Coming.
Zelda– Salem, you look adorable.
Salem– I feel like a Chippendale’s cat.
Sabrina’s next to arrive from her bedroom. She’s dressed in
the same top and jeans she’s worn all day.
Sabrina– Okay, I’m ready.
Zelda– You are not going dressed like that.
Sabrina– Well then I guess I’m not going.
She turns back towards her room.
Zelda– Sabrina! I know you have something more
appropriate. What about this.
She points at her niece and gives her a quick change into a
pretty pink silk mini dress with matching stockings and
shoes.
Sabrina– Please, I only wore this dress to make Granny
happy, now she’s passed away I’m done with it.
Zelda– Oh come on, it looks sweet on you.
Sabrina– That’s what Granny used to say.
Hilda’s the last to show but she’s definately up for it. She
bustles from her room heading straight for the linen closet.
Hilda– Lets get this show on the road.
Zelda– You look nice Hilda.
Hilda– Pass the potato’s
Salem– Someone’s in a hurry.
Hilda– Happy Halloween.
Zelda– Hold on. What colour is my dress?
Hilda– Pass the potato’s.
Zelda– (Calling to the real Hilda in her room) Hilda! you are
in Big trouble.
Hilda comes out of her room looking a lot less up for it than
her double did.
Hilda– Stupid double.
She walks up to her double and carries on into it absorbing
the fake Hilda
Hilda– Lets go.
She opens the linen closet. Zelda, holding Salem, leads the
group into the closet.
Zelda– Am I the only one looking forward to this?
Sabrina, Hilda and Salem– (Together) Yes.
The closet door closes and with a crash of thunder they’re on
their way.
Int. Lift. The three witches and their cat stand listening to the
piped muzak it ‘Halloween oh happy day’ Sabrina’s stands
mesmerised by the floor counter as it whizzes past 97, 98,
99….
Sabrina– Are we there yet?
With a ‘bing’ the lift door’s slide open and they step out.
Sabrina’s mouth drops open in surprise.
Sabrina– Wow! No wonder my ears popped on the way up.
Out of the large picture window lies the blue globe of the
Earth in all it’s cloud swirling splendour.
Hilda– Oh the Earth looks so full tonight.
The hostess of the Halloween gathering spots the new
arrivals and rushes over to greet them.
Marigold– Zelda!
Zelda– Marigold.
They kiss each other on the cheek without actually touching
in that way that screams insincere.
Marigold– And Hilda.
They copy the same gesture.
Marigold– (Cont.) That outfit always looks so nice on you.
Hilda– Thank’s… wait!
Marigold– I see you’ve brought your cat, but no dates?
Zelda– No Marigold, we’re still not married.
Marigold– Don’t, I’ll cry. Oh and this must be Sabrina. I’d
heard you’d gone to live with your aunts, is it okay?
Sabrina– Yes, it’s fine.
Zelda– We love having her with us.
Marigold– Well a niece, it’s almost like having a daughter.
(To Sabrina) My little girl, Amanda, is right here. You get to
sit with her.
Sabrina– Oh goody, we can talk about dolls.
She glares at her aunts.
Marigold– Zelda, Hilda, you’ll sit with me and Salem you’ll
be with the cat.
Salem– Swell.
Marigold– You can all take your seats, I’ll check on the
consommé or as Hilda would call it, soup.
Marigold leaves and Hilda turns to Zelda.
Hilda– What’s wrong with soup?
Zelda– Don’t start. Oh look, uncle Noonie. Here Sabrina.
She hands Salem over to Sabrina and goes to talk to uncle
Noonie.
Zelda– (Cont.) Uncle Noonie!
She slaps her forehead remembering that her uncle is stone
deaf.
Zelda– (Cont.) UNCLE NOONIE!
Sabrina– (To Salem) I can’t believe I have to sit at the
kiddie table.
Salem– I can’t believe I have to sit at the kitty table. Wait,
gimme a sec, M’lady’s here.
Sabrina– Who’s that?
Salem– Marigold’s pet, she thinks her litter box doesn’t stink
and what a lush.
Sabrina carries Salem over to join another black cat at their
table. M’Lady wears a diamond choker type collar and is
being served by a waiter.
M’Lady– Oh catnip, don’t mind if I do.
Salem– Okay, here we go.
M’lady– Hello Salem.
Salem– Hello M’Lady.
With Salem settled Sabrina goes to join Amanda at the kiddie
table. Amanda is a pretty eight year old.
Sabrina– Hi Amanda, I’m your cousin, Sabrina.
Amanda– You better be nice to me or I’ll put you in a jar.
Sabrina– Excuse me?
Amanda– I put all the people who aren’t nice to me in jars.
She picks up a jar from beside her and puts it on the table.
It’s an ordinary screw top glass jar except for the tiny man in
it.
Amanda– (Cont.) This is Mr. Altree, he tried to teach me
math.
Sabrina– Can he breath in there?
Amanda– Yes, I gave him air holes. Here’s a math problem
Mr. Altree, five air holes minus one air hole is how many?
She places her finger over one of the air holes.
Mr. Altree– No, please! I wanna live.
He gets down on his knees and begs.
Mr. Altree– (Cont.) I wanna live!
Amanda– See, nobody likes pop quizzes.
She takes the jar from the table as Mr. Altree continues to
beg.
Mr. Altree– I wanna live.
Amanda– (To Sabrina) Do you wanna put someone in a jar?
Sabrina– No, my aunts taught me it’s not nice to use magic
to hurt other people.
Amanda– Well my parents let me use magic any time I want
and I don’t even have to ask.
Sabrina– (Under her breath) Brat.
Amanda– What was that?
Sabrina– Nothing.
Amanda glares at her.
At the other table Hilda, Zelda and Marigold sit together, well
almost together. Hilda’s kind of out on her own with an
empty seat between her and the other two.
Hilda– Why do I have to sit by myself, can’t I move over one
seat?
Marigold– No, I’m saving this for my husband. Poor Harold’s
been working so much these days I’m not sure he’ll make it
but someone’s got to bring home the basudo.
Hilda– (Under her breath) What’s wrong with bacon?
Sabrina comes over to have a word with Zelda.
Sabrina– Aunt Zelda, can we go yet?
Zelda– Sabrina we just got here.
Amanda has chased after Sabrina.
Amanda– Don’t you walk away from me, I wanna braid your
hair.
She takes hold of Sabrina’s arm and drags her back to the
kiddie table.
Int. Harvey’s house. James Dean, leans against the wall
while James Dean leans against the mantle piece, meantime
James Dean leans against the door jam and James Dean
dances with Marilyn Monroe. It seems every guy has come as
James Dean. Libby moves along the table checking out the
dips and chips. Sabrina’s double is like her shadow, never
leaving her side. James Dean joins them.
Harvey– Did anyone eat anything?
Libby– Deany took a handful of pretzels.
Harvey– Great, I’d better refill.
He reaches under the table for a large bag of pretzels and
tips a load into the bowl.
Libby– Isn’t the music kind of loud Harvey?
Harvey– I don’t know, the neighbours haven’t complained.
A police siren sounds from outside.
Harvey– (Cont.) I’d better go check that out. (Calling over
to James Dean) Hey, turn it down.
Harvey leaves and Libby turns to watch him go almost
stepping on Sabrina’s double in the process. She gives the
double a dirty look and walks over to another table. The
double follows on her heals with a bright smile on it’s face.
Libby’s had enough.
Libby– Will you leave me alone?
She walks back to the first table, the double follows at the
double smiling happily.
Libby– (Cont.) Would you stop smiling at me! Oh you are
such a goody two shoes.
Sabrina’s Double– That is so true.
Libby– Well at least you admit it. Y’know I’d like you a lot
more if you’d just make fun of people but I suppose you
would never do that.
Sabrina’s Double– Mr. Pool can be so annoying.
Libby– That’s a start.
Int. Spellman family gathering. The kiddie table. They are on
to desserts, at least Amanda is as she’s having hers as a
starter. Sabrina looks on with her hair in two braids.
Sabrina– You’re going to ruin your dinner.
Amanda– My parents let me eat ice cream whenever I want,
my nanny said it would rot my teeth so I put her in a jar.
Sabrina– You know you should really find other ways of
dealing with people.
Amanda– What’s that supposed to mean?
Sabrina– Just that, you know you don’t have to put
everyone you don’t like in a jar.
Amanda– That’s what my psychologist said, so I put him in
a jar.
Sabrina– (Under her breath) Brat.
Amanda– I heard that one.
Sabrina looks a little worried. While at the kitty table.
M’Lady’s got her nose buried in the catnip.
Salem– Slow down M’Lady.
M’Lady– Hey! I can handle it.
And at the aunts table Marigold is entertaining them with
holiday snaps of the family.
Marigold– And that’s Harold and me in front of our villa. You
know if either one of you ever has a honeymoon you really
must take it in the south of France. On second thoughts don’t
wait, I wouldn’t want you to miss out.
Hilda– Excuse me, I’m in no hurry to get married.
Zelda– That’s right, Hilda is single completely by choice
because she refuses to settle for any of the losers she’s been
dating.
Marigold– And Zelda, what’s your excuse?
Hilda– Zelda doesn’t need an excuse, she’s passionate about
her intellectual pursuits. Her love life is all in her head.
Amanda arrives to show mommy what she’s been up to.
Amanda– Mommy, look what I did.
She slams a glass jar down on the table.
Zelda– Is that Sabrina!
Hilda– What did you do to her?
Amanda– She wouldn’t colour with me.
Marigold– Oh, that is so cute.
The tiny Sabrina bangs on the sides of her glass prison.
Sabrina– (To her aunts) Can we please go home now?, I’m
really not having any fun. (To Amanda) I’ll colour with you
Amanda, please let me out.
Int. Harvey’s house. Libby’s getting to like having an
attentive audience, even if it is Sabrina.
Libby– I chose Jackie because, well I sort of see myself as
the first lady of Westbridge High.
Sabrina’s Double– That is so true.
Libby– Thanks.
Harvey dashes in and sees that the party is dying on it’s feet
with the music turned off. He joins Libby and Sabrina’s
double.
Harvey– This party is dying, we’ve gotta do something. Oh
man, the onion dip is bubbling.
He grabs the bowl and runs to the kitchen.
Libby– What this party needs is something big, something
wild. I know, someone should streak. It’s fun, it’s fast, it’s
naked.
Sabrina’s Double– I’d love to.
Libby– You’d streak?
Sabrina’s Double– I’d love to.
Libby– Sabrina, this is a whole new you.
Harvey returns.
Harvey– Man this party’s boring, I’d leave if it weren’t mine.
Libby– Harvey, I’ve got it taken care of. Sabrina’s going to
streak.
Harvey– What! You’re kidding?
He takes Sabrina’s doubles hand and pulls her aside.
Harvey– Sabrina, look I appreciate you trying to help out my
party but streaking is never the answer. Don’t you know
you’d be teased for the rest of high school?
Sabrina’s Double– That is so true.
Harvey– Then why are you doing it?
Sabrina’s Double– Mr. Pool can be so annoying.
Harvey– Don’t change the subject. Look, this isn’t like you,
why are you acting so weird?
Sabrina’s Double– I’d… that… Mr…
Harvey– (Interrupting) I can’t even talk to you, I feel so
alienated.
He puts his hands in his jacket pockets and walks away from
her with a James Dean swagger.
Int. Spellman family gathering. Salem dines with a
depressed, half cut cat.
M’Lady– Salem, you’re the only one who understands me.
Salem– Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I care.
At the other table Sabrina comes up to her aunts.
Sabrina– Dinners over, can we go now?
Zelda– We got you out of the jar, stop whining.
Marigold– Alright everyone, Time to open presents.
Amanda runs over, excited as all eight year olds are at the
prospect of pressies.
Amanda– Yeah!
Marigold– Amanda darling, you go first.
Amanda– It better be good.
She starts ripping away the wrapping paper.
Hilda– (To Zelda) There’s nothing like watching Halloween
through the eyes of a spoiled child.
Amanda– A solid gold dolly, thank you mommy.
Marigold– It’s from mommy and daddy.
Hilda– We got Sabrina something too.
Zelda– Oh here you go.
She hands Sabrina a small envelope.
Zelda– (Cont.) It’s from both of us.
Hilda– Happy Halloween.
Marigold– Oh, a nice card. Kids love those.
Sabrina opens the envelope and takes out the card.
Sabrina– (Reading) It’s a gift certificate to spend half an
hour with the deceased of your choice. What’s this?
Marigold– You got her a reanimation? Those are very pricey.
Amanda– I want a reanimation! I want a reanimation! I
WANT A REANIMATION!
Marigold drags her screaming child away.
Sabrina– This is the weirdest gift, what do I do with it?
Hilda– It’s yours to spend as you like.
Zelda– But you must use it tonight, the gap between the
living and the dead is weakest on all hallows eve
Sabrina– Well then maybe one of you should use it. You
know I really just wanna get back to Harvey’s party and see
him dressed like James Dean.
Hilda– Why not meet the real James Dean?
Sabrina– I could do that?!
Zelda– Hm-hm.
Sabrina– How does it work?
Int. Reanimation room. Sabrina enters the tastefully
decorated pink room that matches her pink dress with her
aunts.
Zelda– Now you just fill in the name of who you wanna see
and put it through that mail-slot.
Sabrina– Now how do I know I’m going to get the real
James Dean and not the sausage guy?
Hilda– First of all, the sausage guy is still alive but just in
case write ‘Star of Rebel without a cause.’
Sabrina sits on the small couch as Zelda hands her a pen.
She bends down to write on the small table.
Sabrina– This is so great. Wait, I have a better idea.
She writes on the card carefully covering it from her aunts
view with her free hand. When Hilda tries to peep she glares
up at her making her aunt suddenly admire the decor.
Finished she quickly inserts the card into the slot in the wall.
Sabrina– (Cont.)There. Now what?
Zelda– We leave, This is your own personal, private
moment.
Hilda– Who did you chose?
Zelda– Hilda!
She grabs her sister by the arm and drags her from the
room. Sabrina sits on the couch and waits for something to
happen. After a moment the lights begin to flicker and a door
at the back opens revealing a silver-haired woman in a gold
knit dress.
Granny– Sabrina!
Sabrina– Granny?
They hug.
Sabrina– (Cont.) I missed you so much.
Granny– Oh I’ve missed you too. Oh let me take a look at
you, you look so sweet in that dress.
They smile and hug once more.
Int. Spellman family gathering. Zelda and Hilda are back with
Marigold.
Marigold– That was a lovely gift. Harold gave me this.
She shows them the gold and diamond necklace she’s
wearing.
Marigold– (Cont.) I picked it out myself.
Zelda– Which reminds me.
She reaches under the table and pulls out a gift wrapped
box.
Zelda– (Cont) Hilda, I got you a little something.
Hilda– Zelda! You said we weren’t going to exchange gifts
this year.
Zelda– I know but I couldn’t help myself.
Hilda– Me neither.
She hands a gift wrapped box to Zelda.
Marigold– Thank God you have each other.
They each hold up their presents and after a moment look at
one another. The butterfly pattern scarves are identical.
Zelda– We’ve been living together way too long.
M’Lady– (OS) Meow! give that back, I know when I’ve had
enough catnip.
Marigold– Oh no, the cat’s sauced again.
She gets up and goes to see to the drunken pussy.
Hilda– Why does one of our relatives always have to get
drunk?
Salem pads along the table to them.
Salem– You are not going to believe what M’Lady just
blurted out.
Zelda– What?
Salem– Come close. (Whispering) Marigold and Harold are
getting a divorce.
Zelda– I don’t belive it, Marigold is splitting up with Harold?
Hilda– Oh, this is the best Halloween ever.
Int. Reanimation room. Sabrina and her Granny are having a
good old gossip.
Sabrina– So I moved in with aunt Hilda and aunt Zelda, they
do more weird things by nine a.m. than most people do all
day. They take really good care of me.
Granny– I always liked them. So tell me, how’s school, do
you still like science?
Sabrina– Yeah, my teacher, Mr. Pool, can be so annoying
but he’s actually a good guy.
Granny– Do you have a boyfriend yet?
Sabrina– There’s a guy I like, his names Harvey but right
now we’re just sorta friends.
Granny– Oh well he’d be a fool if he doesn’t fall for you.
Sabrina– You think I’m the prettiest girl in the world.
Granny– That’s because are, and smart too.
Sabrina– Thanks, but Granny there’s something I want to
tell you only, well it’s kinda strange.
Granny– Well Sabrina, you know you can always tell me
anything.
Sabrina– I’m a witch.
Granny– Well dear, as long as you’re happy.
Int. Harvey’s house. Libby comes up to Sabrina’s double and
starts to lead her towards the front door.
Libby– Clock’s ticking. Why don’t you go outside and find a
place to strip.
Sabrina’s Double– I’d love to.
Libby– You know Sabrina, you’re new ‘do what I say’
attitude is really great.
She closes the door leaving the double outside.
Libby– (Cont.) Pay attention everyone. Midnight is fifteen
minutes away and I think you should all pay attention to
those windows.
She points to the large French windows that look out over
the garden at the side of the house.
James Dean– Why, Did the Kinkle’s put on some cheesy
ghost show?
Libby– No, but watch closely and you might see a full moon.
Int. Spellman family gathering. Sabrina isn’t the only one
having a good gossip, Salem’s telling all to the aunts.
Salem– M’Lady also said that Marigold went to the south of
France alone.
Hilda– But we saw Harold in the pictures?
Salem– That was a cardboard cut out.
Sabrina arrives.
Sabrina– I’m back.
Zelda– Oh, how was it?
Sabrina– It was an amazing gift. I got to see my Granny
again and tell her everything’s okay. Thanks aunt Zelda.
They hug.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Thanks aunt Hilda.
Another hug.
Zelda– We’re glad you liked it.
Hilda– And now it’s time to leave.
The cat’s not the only one that Marigold is having problems
with.
Marigold– Amanda darling, When someone gives you a gift
you’re supposed to say thank you.
Amanda– Fine.
She turns to the elderly couple who have given her the
present and smiles.
Amanda– (Cont.) Thank you.
She then throws the present down on the ground. It
smashes.
Marigold– Now that’s verging on rude.
Zelda taps Marigold on the shoulder as Amanda barges past
the old couple to get away.
Zelda– We’ve come to say good bye and to thank you,
you’ve made our evening in so many ways.
Hilda– We hope it wasn’t too stressful. You know planning
the party, preparing the food, divorcing Harold.
Marigold – No the… what!
Zelda– Oh we know all about it, the cat blabbed but don’t
worry, you’ll love being alone.
Hilda– Filling your days with romance novels. lean cuisines,
internet chat rooms.
Marigold– Oh God, I’m going to be just like you. <Sob>
She goes off crying.
Zelda– Oh Hilda, we’ve made her cry.
Hilda– Oh how awful we must feel. Let’s go.
Int. Lift. The Halloween carol piped music plays and Sabrina,
her aunts and Salem bob their heads to it.
Sabrina– You know, I really had a good time.
Hilda– Me too.
Salem– Me three.
Zelda– I told you family gatherings were fun.
Int. Spellman family gathering. All the guests are gone,
there’s just Marigold, Amanda, who charges round the room
waving napkins about, and M’Lady left.
Marigold– It’s still better to be a divorcee than a spinster,
right?
M’Lady– Ah stuff it!
She falls face first into her bowl of catnip.
Amanda– Mommy, I’m hungry. I want a hamburger.
Marigold– Not now dear, it’s not a good time.
Amanda– But I want it now! NOW! NOW! NOW!…
Marigold points at her precious little girl and in a puff of
smoke Amanda is quietened by the thickness of the glass in
the jar that she’s in.
Marigold– I think somebody needs a time out.
Amanda– You’ll be sorry, I’m telling daddy where you’ve hid
the silver.
Marigold– Oh really!
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina sits on her chaise lounge
reading as Salem comes in and is surprised to find her there.
Salem– Whoa, what happened to Harvey’s party?
Sabrina– Oh I decided to stay in and read some of Granny’s
letters.
Salem– Are you nuts? You can’t leave a double running
around.
Sabrina– Oh I forgot. I gotta change!
She dashes to her wardrobe but slides to a stop on her
stockinged feet as she remembers.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Oh wait, I’m a witch.
She points at herself.
Ext. Harvey’s front garden. Sabrina’s double is once more
hidden behind the hedge, this time for modesty’s sake as she
hands her black witch dress over to Libby.
Libby– Now I’ve got your clothes, I’ll wait for you on the
other side. Count to ten.
Libby leaves, The double remains behind the hedge smiling
happily.
Libby– (Cont.) (OS) Ten…nine…eight…
The real Sabrina arrives in a matching cute black witches
outfit and walks right passed her hidden, naked double. She’s
about to go in when she remembers.
Sabrina– Oops, I’m already here.
Libby– (OS) seven…six… five… four…
Sabrina points at herself and a black bandit mask covers her
upper face.
Libby– (Cont.) (OS) Three… two… one.
Sabrina enters as her double dashes from behind the hedge.
Int. Harvey’s house. Everyone is crowded round the French
windows as Sabrina enters.
Sabrina– Hey, what’s everyone looking at?
James Dean– Sabrina’s gonna streak. There she is.
A flash of naked flesh dashes past the window topped with a
black pointy witches hat. There’s a lot Whoo-ing and cheering
from the room. Sabrina stands open mouthed in shocked
horror.
Harvey– I can’t believe Sabrina did that.
Sabrina– I didn’t.
She takes off her mask and hat.
Sabrina– (Cont.) That wasn’t me.
Harvey– Sabrina, you’re here!
Sabrina– Yeah, where else would I be?
Harvey– I knew Libby couldn’t make you streak, but then
who was that?
Sabrina– Er, I don’t see Libby anywhere, I guess it must
have been her.
Harvey– That was Libby? Hey everybody, that was Libby
streaking.
Laughter ripples round the room just as Libby enters from
the kitchen.
Libby– Wasn’t that fun?
Libby gets a round of applause and more laughter.
Libby– (Cont.) I’m glad you all enjoyed it.
She turns and sees Sabrina standing there.
Libby– (Cont.) How’d you get in here so quick?
Sabrina– What are you talking about? I’ve been here the
whole time.
Libby– I just gave you your clothes outside.
Harvey– Oh give it up Libby, we all know you’re the one who
streaked.
Libby– I did not!
James Dean– Yes you did, we saw your butt.
The room cracks up laughing again.
Libby– That was not me. You are all so immature.
She runs out of the house on the verge of tears.
Sabrina– Well my aunts were right, Halloween is a magical
night.
Harvey– Now I know I blew up at you before but do you
think you could stay late and help me clean up?
Sabrina– I’d love to… I mean I’d really enjoy that but first
I’ve got to get some fresh air.
Harvey– Hey I don’t blame you, those expiration dates are a
lot more precise that you’d think.
Ext. Harvey’s house. Sabrina comes into the front garden.
Sabrina– Sabrina, Sabrina!
The double stands up behind the hedge still trying to get it’s
dress back on. It’s lost a sleeve somewhere along the way
but she smiles happily none the less.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Hey look at you, you put your dress on
backwards, man I’m a mess. Come on, let’s get it together.
She walks into the double and it’s absorbed back into her.
Sabrina– Great everything’s back to normal… That is so
true… weird!
She goes back to the party.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina sits in her chair and talks to
you.
Run credits.
Sabrina– Hi, I’d like to take half a minute to talk to you
about the true meaning of Halloween. It’s not about candy
and costumes, it’s about family and showing them how much
you care. So don’t buy into the hype and commercialisation
of the season. This Halloween, stay home with your loved
ones. Just gather round the jack-o-lantern and remember,
the true meaning of Halloween is inside you. Right Salem?
Salem– There’s a pound of candy corn inside me.
Sabrina– Ignore him. Happy Halloween.
Dream Date
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Dream Date
Written By – Rachel Lipman
Transcribed By – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Jenny – Michelle Beaudoin
Libby – Jenna Liegh Green
Chad – Brian Austin Green
Simon – Tom Wilson
Darryl – Eddie Cibrian
Sasha – Nicole Bilderback
Raphael – Darin Singleton
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Zelda is making herself a mug of tea,
(but the steam goes down instead of up), when the
telephone on the wall rings. As she walks over to answer it,
Sabrina comes running frantically down the back stairs.
Sabrina– I’ll get it! I’ll get it! That’s for me.
Zelda hands over the phone, and goes back to her tea.
Sabrina– Hello? Hi, Harvey! Sure, ask away!
She realises that Zelda is listening, even though her back is
turned.
Sabrina– Oh… wait… one second. Aunt Zelda, do you mind?
Zelda– Oh no, go right ahead.
Sabrina– No, I mean, would you leave me alone? (She
points to the phone.)
Zelda– (Putting on a ‘big surprise’ face) Oh. I get it
(grinning) sorry. (She exits with her weird tea.)
Sabrina– (To the phone) You were saying?
The deep sound of a man slowly giggling comes from a picnic
basket on the kitchen counter.
Sabrina– (To the phone) One more sec.
As Sabrina goes over to investigate, the flap opens up, and
the face of a black cat appears…
Sabrina– Salem, are you spying on me?
Salem– I’m a cat. I’m curious. So kill me.
Sabrina– Out!
Crooking the phone under her chin, Sabrina uses both hands
to pull the cat out of the basket.
Salem– Fine. I understand the delicacy of the moment.
Sabrina puts him onto the floor, but as he runs away, he can
still be heard.
Salem– Harvey and Sabrina! Harvey and Sabrina! (Dirty
laugh.)
Sabrina– (To the phone) You were asking? (She listens)
No, Mr.Poolsaid photosynthesis would not be on the test.
(She listens again) Is that it? (What she hears makes her
face drop) Okay… yeah, see you tomorrow.
Sabrina hangs up the phone, turns round, and slumps
against the wall in disappointment. A little further along the
wall is an old portrait of a woman named Louisa, and her lips
begin to move…
Louisa– There, there. I’m sure Harvey will ask you out on a
date… some day!
Sabrina– Thanks, Louisa. (Realising) You were listening? I
have no privacy in this house!
Gesturing her annoyance, Sabrina storms back up the
staircase.
Louisa– Harvey and Sabrina! Harvey and Sabrina!
Run opening credits.
— Special thanks to Tennant Stuart for providing the teaser
above —
Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Libby and Sasha are
busy with preparations for the school Harvest Moon Dance.
They’re putting up bunting and balloons over the banner
when Sasha looks out across the cafeteria where students
are enjoying lunch.
Sasha– I just don’t get how people can dance with all these
tables here?
Libby– Sasha, we’ll move the tables.
One of the students enjoying lunch is Sabrina and she is
joined by Jenny.
Jenny– It looks like I’m going to the dance.
Sabrina– Who with?!
Jenny– Me! Dates are just societies way of keeping numbers
even, I’m going to represent all things that are odd.
Sabrina– And I’m sure that’s exactly how people will see it.
Jenny– Do you wanna come with me? We could go alone
together.
Sabrina– No thanks. You know I was thinking it might be
kinda fun to go with Harvey.
Jenny– Are you gonna ask him?
Sabrina– Oh I can’t, I don’t wanna complicate our
friendship.
Jenny– What if he asked you?
Sabrina– Oh, I don’t mind if he complicates our friendship.
Jenny suddenly stands up and waves having seen the subject
of their conversation enter with his lunch tray.
Jenny– Hey Harvey, over here.
He comes over.
Harvey– Thanks for waving, I might not have spotted you at
the same table where we always sit.
Jenny– So, do you have plans for the dance tomorrow night?
Oops, gotta run!
She grabs her tray and leaves quickly.
Harvey– (To Sabrina) Man, I’ve never seen her move so
fast.
Sabrina– Er, so you were saying about the dance?
Harvey– Oh I probably won’t go. School dances aren’t my
thing. What about you?
Sabrina– Oh I haven’t made any plans. Y’know, yet.
Libby walks past with an inflated balloon.
Libby– Hi Harvey, can I borrow a finger?
Harvey– Sure.
He lends his finger while she ties off the balloon.
Sabrina– Excuse me, we were talking. Other people have
fingers too you know.
Libby– Yes but Harvey works out and by the way Harvey, I
was thinking you and I could go to the dance together, okay?
Harvey– Okay.
Sabrina stares across in disbelief.
Libby– Great. Thanks for helping.
She walks off with a smug look across at Sabrina.
Sabrina– (To Harvey) Okay? I thought you said school
dances weren’t your thing?
Harvey– They’re not, I panicked. I have a hard time saying
no. I really should work on that. No.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina looks through her magic
book, Zelda comes up the stairs with laundry
Sabrina– Aunt Zelda, I need help.
Zelda puts down the washing and enters.
Zelda– Of course, what is it?
Sabrina– Well it’s kinda private.
Hilda’s head appears round the door.
Hilda– Did someone say private?
Sabrina– Yes.
Hilda– I’m intrigued, continue.
Sabrina– Okay I’ll tell you my problem if you promise to
keep it a secret. Well I wanted to go to the dance tonight
with this guy.
Zelda– Harvey.
Sabrina– Right. But he’s going with this other girl.
Hilda– Libby.
Sabrina– Okay and then what happens?
Zelda– Oh sweety, if Harvey likes Libby that’s his choice.
Sabrina– No but I don’t think he does. I mean she asked
him and because he has a problem saying no, he said yes.
Hilda– Then why didn’t you ask him?
Sabrina– Because then he would know that I liked him.
Hilda– But you do.
Sabrina– Yes, but I can’t tell him that.
Zelda– Have you at least dropped a hint?
Sabrina– Well I smile at him a lot and sometimes when we
play foozball I let him win.
Zelda– He’ll never figure it out that way. Sixteen year old
boys are oblivious, if you like Harvey, you’ll have to tell him.
Hilda– You may even want to use one of these.
She points at Sabrina and she’s left holding a long handled
sledgehammer.
Sabrina– A sledgehammer?
Both aunts nod.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Look, I think I’d rather just use a love spell
but I can’t seem to find one in my magic book.
Zelda– Oh Sabrina, I hate to disappoint you but there is no
love spell. Love is far too precious to tamper with.
Hilda– You mean too weird, that’s why there’s no
standardised formula, although Calvin Kline came remarkably
close with ‘Obsession’
Sabrina– So being a witch doesn’t help me at all?
Zelda– Well in this case, no.
Hilda– Not necessarily. You can’t make someone love you
but you can imprison them in a ring for not loving you. See?
She hold out her hand and Sabrina sees that the ring on her
third finger that always seems to catch the light so oddly
contains a tiny young man in renaissance garb.
Raphael– Hilda, let me out. Thou art starting to grow on me.
Hilda holds her ring up.
Hilda– I love the way he catches the light.
Sabrina– Look, trapping Harvey in amber is not exactly what
I had in mind. I think I need to be alone again.
She slumps down in her comfy old armchair for a good sulk
and maybe a little weep.
Hilda– Oh, that privacy thing?
Zelda– Hilda, let’s go. (To Sabrina) We’ll be down stairs if
you need us.
Hilda– That’s right. We’re here, we care and we have pie.
They leave closing the door behind them.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing.
Hilda– That stinks.
Zelda– Harvey or no Harvey, she should go to the ball… I
mean dance.
Hilda– Sabrina needs someone who’s hip and fun, who’ll
make her forget Harvey.
Zelda– I know, do we have any Man Dough in the house?
Hilda– Great idea. I’ll race you to the kitchen.
They both make a dash for the stairs, Hilda barges her way
in front.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Salem is lying on the table as Hilda
runs down the stairs ahead of Zelda.
Hilda– Beat you!
She raises her hands to accept the accolade of her imaginary
supporters.
Zelda– Oh, you are so immature.
Salem– Do you mind? I was busy staring into space.
Hilda– You can do that later. We are making Sabrina a
dream date.
She picks up Salem from the table and starts to dance
around with him.
Salem– Oh, ooh, ooh, my kibble!
While Zelda goes to the magic cabinet for the ingredients. A
Mexican style instrumental kicks off and plays through the
following.
Hilda is still dancing but instead of Salem she has a head
made of dough in her hands.
Hilda– Dream date.
Zelda pats dough into shape on the counter and Hilda places
the head at the head of the table and pats it.
Zelda– Got your nose!
She holds up a carefully shaped dough nose. Hilda fits it on
the head a little off centre.
Zelda– Here’s your ears.
She throws them both across, Hilda catches them one in
each hand.
Zelda has two outsized dough feet and walks them down the
table. They both fit the dough parts together.
They each make a dough hand and slap them together in a
high five before fitting them into the rest of the dough body
that coming together on the table.
A few finishing touches and the constructions complete.
Zelda– There.
They are both covered in flour and stand admiring their work
as the music fades.
Zelda– (Cont.) Wait a minute, one arm is shorter than the
other. Hilda, have you been eating dough?
Hilda– (With her mouth full) No.
But the jobs only half done.
Zelda– Now for the personality glaze.
Hilda joins her at the counter where a bowl is set up with
various bottles and jars around it.
Hilda– Pour it on. Lets make him a great dancer.
She pours a few drops from one of the bottles into the bowl.
Zelda– And a dare devil.
She pours from another bottle.
Hilda– And a musician.
Another bottle contents enters the bowl.
Zelda– Do girls still like musicians?
Hilda– Ever since Mozart’s ‘Feel the Heat’ tour.
Zelda– Mm.
The question distracts Hilda as she pours from a bottle and
she practically empties it.
Hilda– Oh! I over did the enthusiasm.
Zelda– He’s going to a high school dance, he’s going to need
all the enthusiasm he can get.
She carries the bowl over to the table and they both start
brushing the glaze over the dough body. Then it’s covered
with a table cloth and the timer is set. The two pastry chefs
are tidying up the kitchen when Sabrina comes down the
stairs.
Sabrina– What are you cooking? Something smells…
handsome?
Zelda– Sabrina you’re going to love it. We’re making you a
dream date out of Man Dough.
Sabrina– Man Dough?
Hilda– He’ll be tall, dark and yeasty.
Zelda– Now he lasts about four hours, which is perfect for
your dance.
Sabrina– Yeah perfect, except for the fact that I wanted to
go with Harvey, not Pop’n’fresh.
Zelda– Oh come on, just meet him before you make up your
mind.
Hilda– You’re going to like him, he’s really enthusiastic.
Sabrina– I’ve already made up my mind, I’m not going.
Suddenly the table cloth starts to rise taking on a man shape
that the rolled out dough didn’t posses. Hilda and Zelda smile
at each other excited. Sabrina couldn’t care less. The timer
pings and the two aunts lean over the table.
Hilda and Zelda– (Together) Man’s done!
The dough man sits up throwing the table cloth off and
taking a big breath. He looks around and down at himself.
Dough Man– Hey. Hi, man am I happy to be here.
Sabrina looks him over and is pleased with what she sees.
The Pillsbury dough boy he isn’t but darkly good looking with
his neat close cropped hair and black leather jacket and
denims.
Sabrina– Wow! He is really cute.
Zelda– Well, we do nice work but if you don’t wanna go to
the dance…
Sabrina– (Interrupting) Changed my mind, I’ll go. Just er,
give me a sec to get ready.
She points at herself and in seconds her tatty jeans and
sweater transform into a short purple dress and her pulled
back hair is hanging free and curled under.
Sabrina– (Cont.) All set. Gotta go.
She takes the dough man by the hand and heads out the
back door.
Dough Man– Man, you look great! And this dance sounds
fantastic!
Int. Westbridge High School Harvest Moon Dance. The
converted cafeteria is filling up nicely as Sabrina and her date
enter.
Dough Man– Oh man, this place is fantastic! What do you
call it?
Sabrina– The cafeteria.
Dough Man– The cafeteria, the cafeteria; I’ll have to
remember that. Whoa, great bunting!
Sabrina– Hey, could you keep it down? You’re talking kinda
loud.
Jenny spots Sabrina and comes over.
Jenny– Hi.
Sabrina– Hi.
Dough Man– Hi.
He grabs Jenny’s hand and shakes it enthusiastically.
Dough Man– (Cont.) Who are you?
Jenny– I’m Jenny. Who are you?
He has no answer for that and turns to Sabrina.
Sabrina– This is er, Chad… Cory… Dillan.
Jenny– Great name.
Sabrina– Thanks. Er Chad, could you get us some punch?
Chad– (To Jenny) She has the best ideas.
He enthusiastically dashes off to get the punch. As soon as
he’s gone she pulls Jenny close.
Sabrina– So, what do you think?
Jenny– He’s cute. Where did you meet him?
Sabrina– Oh my aunts introduced us. We rode over on his
motorcycle.
Jenny’s mouth drops open with wonder.
Jenny– I approve.
Sabrina– Yeah Chad’s pretty neat, you know for an athlete,
dare-devil, rock musician.
Chad arrives back with the punch.
Chad– Guess what? They had two flavours; orange and red.
Sabrina takes the red and Chad swallows the orange in one
enthusiastic gulp.
Sabrina– Go easy Chad.
Jenny– Well, I’m going to dance.
She leaves for the dance floor.
Chad– (To Sabrina) Wait a second. We can dance here?
Sabrina– Yeah, do you like dancing?
Chad– I’m made to dance and I love this song.
He takes Sabrina’s hardly touched punch from her hand and
gives it to a passing boy.
Chad– Here, excuse me. Thank you, thank you. Thanks a
lot.
The boy wonders on bemused as Chad drags Sabrina onto
the dance floor and they get on down and boogie. Libby and
her date arrive a little late.
Libby– Sasha, what have I missed?
Sasha– Not much. Where have you been?
Harvey– We had some engine trouble with the Vette on the
way over.
Sasha– You drive a Corvette?
Libby– that’s Shove-ette.
Harvey– Hey! Same manufacturer.
Libby– Oh please!
She looks out over the dance floor and spots Sabrina dancing
with a dark, handsome stranger.
Libby– Who’s that guy Sabrina’s with?
Jenny overhears and is happy to fill Libby in as she knows
how much Libby will hate it.
Jenny– His names Chad Cory Dillan and yes, that’s his
motorcycle outside.
She dances away laughing.
Sasha– Well I guess Sabrina wins.
Libby– I don’t think so. Come on Harvey, let’s hit the floor.
Libby’s on her way when Harvey grabs her arm and draws
her back.
Harvey– Actually Libby, I don’t dance.
Libby– Excuse me? This is a dance, guess what we do here?
Harvey– Well you see for me, dance is sort of a metaphor.
Libby– For what?
Harvey– I don’t know, something else?
She gets right in his face and he backs away.
Libby– I can’t believe you did this to me.
She continues to advance and Harvey continues to back off
until the back of his knees hits a chair and he sits down.
Libby spins away.
Libby– (Cont.) Sasha! Ladies room.
Meanwhile Chad Cory Dillan dances enthusiastically and
skilfully with Sabrina.
Chad– Oh man, I’m having a great time.
Sabrina– Me too.
But her smile fades when they move around and she sees
Harvey sat by the wall watching her forlornly. He stands and
gives her a little wave. She stops dancing and returns his
wave.
Chad– What, why’ve you stopped dancing?
Sabrina– I just saw someone.
Chad– Who?
Sabrina– Just a friend.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda sit by the counter
reading and waiting. Having built a dream date for Sabrina
they have got themselves in the mood. so they’ve built two
more for themselves.
Hilda– This is fun. We haven’t done this since the Taft
administration.
Zelda– Mm. What did you put in your personality?
Hilda– I gave him lots of optimism. I want my dream date to
be hopeful.
Zelda– Oh that’s nice.
A timer pings.
Hilda– Oo! Mine’s done.
A dough man sits up. A brawny man in a sweater and slack,
an ex jock type gone to seed.
Hilda– (Cont.) Hi. I’m Hilda
Simon– Would you get off my back? I’ve been looking for
work, stop riding me.
Zelda– That doesn’t sound too hopeful.
Hilda– Something must have gone wrong.
Zelda– Did you check the expiration date on the optimism?
Hilda gets the bottle.
Hilda– Oh no. It says ‘hope fades’
Zelda– Which means…
Hilda– My dream date is hopeless.
Simon climbs off the table.
Simon– Ladies, d’you wanna break up the hen party.
Somewhere men are competing in a professional sport and
I’m missing it. So where’s the TV? Never mind, I’ll find it
myself.
He goes off in search of the TV and glances up the stairs.
Simon– (Cont.)TV? TV? No.
He disappears into the living room.
Hilda– I have the worst luck with men, even the ones made
out of dough.
Zelda Picks up the rolling pin and hands it to Hilda.
Zelda– Here. Do you want to start over?
Hilda– Yes… No, wait. I have an idea. Maybe I can change
him.
Zelda– Oh Hilda you know that never works.
Hilda– But I love a challenge. First I’ll gain his trust by
pretending to be interested in sports.
She turns towards the living room.
Zelda– Wait. Don’t you wanna see who my dream date is?
Hilda– Let me guess. He’s a brave, milk swilling fireman?
Zelda– How did you know?
Hilda– I found the calendar in your desk. Sabrina’s right,
there’s no privacy in this home.
With that she spins round and heads off to sort out her own
dream date. Zelda sits herself on the edge of the table and
waits for hers to be done. He sits up suddenly dressed in his
fire fighting gear and looking very handsome.
Darryl– (To Zelda) Ah, hello Kitten. Got milk?
Salem’s head pops out of the basket where a second ago he
had been dreaming about a romantic tuna dinner for two
with Siamese down the road.
Salem– What? Oh sorry, thought you were talking to me.
He slips back inside the basket and tries to recapture his
dream.
Int. Westbridge High School Harvest Moon Dance. Chad Cory
Dillan’s enthusiasm is still strong as they continue to dance.
Chad– Oh man, this is the best night of my life!
Sabrina– Do you mind if we stop? I’m sorta tired.
Chad– Oh sure, go ahead. Although I gotta say, I love this
song.
Sabrina– Oh well then keep dancing.
She looks around and see Jenny dancing on her own.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Jenny, cover for me.
Jenny– All right. Don’t be long, I don’t want people thinking
I sold out.
She leaves Chad and Jenny dancing together and goes to get
a glass of punch. The fact that Harvey is at the punch bowl,
fishing round with the ladle, is, of course, pure coincidence.
Sabrina– Hi Harvey. Are you busy?
Harvey– Er, no. I dropped the chip in the punch. You look
nice.
Sabrina can’t help the smile that comes to her lips at the
compliment.
Sabrina– Thanks, so do you.
Harvey– This is what I wore to school yesterday.
Sabrina– Oh well you smell okay. So where’s Libby?
Harvey– Bathroom I guess. She’s mad at me ’cause I don’t
dance.
Sabrina– Really? I would have thought you’d be good at
that.
Harvey– Well I’m okay when it’s just me rocking out in my
room. I mean I don’t spin around the pole or anything but I
get really self-conscious in front of other people.
Sabrina– We all do.
Harvey– Not your date.
Sabrina– Oh, Chad’s kinda special.
Harvey– Wow! You really like him, don’t you?
Sabrina– No! I meant like different.
Chad suddenly dances up beside her.
Chad– Hey, there you are. (To Harvey) Hi, I’m Chad Cory
Dillan.
He shakes Harvey’s hand enthusiastically.
Harvey– Harvey Dwight Kinkle.
Chad– It’s nice to meet ya. (To Sabrina) Hey Sabrina, you’ve
gotta get back here. You wouldn’t believe what you’re
missing.
Sabrina– A great song?
Chad– (To Harvey) She knows everything.
He drags Sabrina back onto the dance floor as Libby and
Sasha arrive.
Harvey– Oh you’re back, I thought maybe you’d fallen in.
Libby– Charming.
Int. Spellman Living room. Simon sits on the settee glued to
the TV. Hilda sits beside him.
Hilda– What are you thinking?
Simon– That refs a jerk!
Hilda– Y’know we could talk while we watch sports. I mean
relationships are built on communication. Why don’t you
share your feelings?
Simon– Why don’t you share the chips.
Hilda– Simon, the point I’m trying to make…
Simon– (Interrupting) Look, look, look, look. When we get
to a boring commercial we’ll make out, until then.
He points to the TV.
Simon– (Cont.) Do you mind?
Int., Spellman kitchen. Zelda sits and watches Darryl chug a
whole carton of milk.
Zelda– I’ve never seen a man drink so much milk.
Darryl– Aah! Ha, I like milk.
Int. Westbridge High School Harvest Moon Dance. Sabrina
must be pooped because she’s still up dancing with Chad.
Libby, however, sits it out beside Harvey.
Libby– I don’t understand why you just didn’t say ‘no’ when
I asked you to this dance?
Harvey– I told you, I’m working on it.
The song finishes and another starts up.
Chad– Alright! A slow dance.
He slips his arm around Sabrina but she gets hers between
them and pushes him away.
Sabrina– Er y’know Chad, I’m really not into slow dances.
Um why don’t we go over and stand by those chairs?
Chad– Genius! That is genius!
They walk over to the chairs by the wall passing Jenny who is
still dancing alone as couples pass round her in smoochy
embraces.
Jenny– (Under her breath) Oh this is too weird, even for me.
She leaves the dance floor. Libby and Harvey sit another one
out.
Libby– If you don’t wanna be here, just leave.
Harvey– Look I don’t tell many people this but…
Libby– (Interrupting) There he is!
She stands and puts on her friendliest and loveliest smile and
walks up to Chad.
Libby– Hi I’m Libby.
Chad– Hi I’m Chad.
Libby– I saw you dancing out there, you’re really good.
Chad– Oh well I’m also a dare-devil and a rock musician.
Libby– Oh really! What instrument do you play?
Chad– Well lead guitar.
Harvey who’s sat listening splutters a laugh.
Harvey– (Under his breath) Lead guitar.
Sabrina– Hey Harvey, don’t you play an instrument?
Harvey– Yeah. The bassoon.
Sabrina– Wow, the bassoon. I think that’s really sexy.
Libby– Maybe to another bassoon.
Chad– Oh man, I love this song!
Libby– Me too. Unfortunately my date can’t dance.
Sabrina– Yes he can. As a matter of fact, Harvey is a
wonderful dancer.
Harvey– Sabrina! Technically that’s not true.
Sabrina– Yes it is and why don’t you prove it to them. Now.
She folds her arms and in the process casts a little spell on
Harvey that strips away his inhibitions. Harvey looks down,
does a neat pirouette, flips up on his toes and back. He
smiles and takes off his sleeveless sweater.
Harvey– Okay, maybe I know a few steps.
He tosses the sweater to Libby and with a reverse kicking
step moves onto the dance floor. The other dancers move
back forming a circle around him and giving him room. He
dips down, coming up into another spin, this time with one
leg extended.
Jenny– Yeah! Harvey’s dancing alone. Alright!
He stops his spin and leaps high with a splits kick touch both
toes before landing.
Sabrina– He’s actually better than Chad.
Chad– Much better.
Harvey bends forward at the waist and does a series of
rolling jumps round the dance floor. Then twists and goes up
on his toes, he takes a running leap, lands and kicks one leg
up before going back up on his toes with the final beat of the
song. Everyone applauds as Harvey slowly looks around the
circle. The magic ebbs away leaving him feeling acutely
embarrassed. He walks with his head lowered over to Libby
and Sabrina.
Harvey– Did anyone see that?
Libby– Everyone saw it.
Harvey– Now I feel really self-conscious.
Chad– (To Sabrina) Let’s dance. I feel inspired.
Sabrina– But…
He drags her off onto the dance floor despite her protest.
Harvey– I’d better go.
Libby-What! I wanna dance with you now.
Harvey– Sorry Libby but you said I could leave if I wanted
to.
Libby– Well I take it back. You have to dance with me.
Harvey– Libby… No!
He turns and strides purposefully towards the door leaving
Libby standing stunned and annoyed. Sabrina sees Harvey go
from the dance floor.
Sabrina– (To Chad) Look Chad, this doesn’t feel right, I’m
sorry. Excuse me, I gotta go.
She leaves Chad standing alone on the dance floor.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina walks through.
Sabrina– Harvey!
He’s nowhere in site.
Sabrina– Harvey!
Ext. School entrance. Sabrina pushes the door open and
comes out.
Sabrina– Harvey!
Harvey– I’m over here.
She turns having walked past where he sits on a bench.
Sabrina– I thought you were leaving?
Harvey– Yeah well I wanted to but now I have to wait for
triple A.
Sabrina– Well, I can help you wait. I’m good at that, watch.
She walks over and sits on the bench beside him.
Harvey– Thanks but shouldn’t you be inside with what’s his
name, what’s his name, what’s his name?
Sabrina– Nah, he’s not really my type.
Harvey– What, perfect isn’t your type?
Sabrina– Actually Harvey, I wanted to talk to you about
that.
She stands up and moves away to gather her thoughts.
Sabrina– (Cont.) But it’s kinda hard for me.
Harvey– What do you mean?
Sabrina– Well the thing is… I… see…
Harvey– Sabrina, what is it?
He moves over towards her and she spins round pointing.
Sabrina– Freeze!
Time freezes leaving Harvey perched on one foot. Everything
stops except Sabrina.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Look, the thing is I came to this party
expecting to have a good time with Chad but one look at you
and it was over. I mean, I think it’s great that we’re friends,
but sometimes I wish it were more. I like you Harvey. I like
you a lot but I guess for now this is the closest I can get to
saying it to your face.
She looks into his still, unmoving eyes.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Thanks for listening.
She points and Harvey along with the rest of the universe
starts to move again.
Harvey– Did you just say something?
Sabrina– Yeah. I err I said Chad isn’t really perfect. You
know one arms longer than the other. Well I’d better get
back.
She heads for the school doors.
Harvey– Sabrina, I er I was wondering since we’re out here.
D’ya wanna dance?
Sabrina– Won’t you feel self-conscious?
Harvey– Just us.
A slow piano number starts up as Harvey takes her in his
arms. Starting with a gentle sway a little magic takes over as
he takes one hand and they side step forward. He releases
her hand and she drops back into him, he catches her
beneath her arms and spins her off the ground. On landing
they stretch apart at arms length.
Sabrina– So, do you love this song?
Harvey– It’s okay.
She smiles and spins back into him and out the other side.
She spins back into his arms and he dips her, their faces only
inches apart.
Harvey– I’m starting to get a little self-conscious.
Their faces move closer. She waits and preys for the kiss but.
Harvey– (Cont.) Okay, I’m there.
He lifts her up straight and the magic moment ends along
with the music.
Harvey– (Cont.) Sorry, that’s all I can do.
Sabrina– It was enough. I think I’m ready to go home now.
Harvey– Well hey, If you’re done with the dance do you
wanna head over to the Slicery and play a little foosball?
Sabrina– Yeah, I love foozball! Sorry, I’ve been hanging out
with Chad too long. Well, I’ll go and tell him I’m leaving.
Harvey watches her go back inside. After she’s gone.
Harvey– I like you Sabrina. Why can’t I say it to her face?
Int. The Harvest Moon Dance. Sabrina enters to find Chad sat
like a wall-flower against, of all things, the wall. He jumps up
enthusiastically when he sees her.
Chad– Sabrina, you’re back!
Sabrina– Chad we need to talk. Look, it was sweet of you to
bring me to the dance but you’re not the one I want to be
with.
Chad– Well who do you wanna be with?
Sabrina– Harvey.
Chad– That’s an excellent choice, he’s a great guy.
Sabrina– You really are a dream date, Chad. So err, it’s
okay if I leave?
Chad– Oh sure, no, go ahead. I’ll just stay here and miss
you.
Sabrina– I don’t want you to do that. Look you only have
two hours left and I’m sure you love this song so er.
She looks around and finds the person having the least fun in
the whole room sat across from them.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Why not ask Libby to dance?
Chad– Can I? I like Libby.
Sabrina– You like Libby?
Chad– Sorry, I guess I’m starting to go bad.
Ext. School entrance. Harvey sits on his bench waiting and
looking critically at his hands. Sabrina comes out.
Sabrina– All right, fooz it or lose it.
Harvey– Hey look.
He holds out both arms side by side.
Harvey– (Cont.) Same length. Ha!
They walk off together smiling.
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda is still sat beside Simon who
is still glued to the sports center.
Hilda– So if you live by the pass, you die by the pass. They
kept the ball on the ground and they were able to convert in
the red zone.
Simon– You know, I can’t hear Pat Samerell while you’re
yapping.
Hilda– It’s a hardware commercial.
Simon– Shh! He’s talking about hammers.
Hilda– Okay, that’s it.
She gets up off the settee.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda is sat on the kitchen table with a
stop-watch in her hand. Darryl’s fireman jacket is hung on
the back of a chair inside out as her finishes pulling on his
leggings. He thrusts his arms into the sleeves of his jacket
and raises them above his head. The jacket drops down and
round his shoulders when he shoves his arms forward
completing his dressing.
Darryl– Done!
Zelda click the stop-watch and looks at it.
Zelda– Nineteen seconds.
Darryl– Yes!
Hilda enters from the dining room,
Hilda– Commin’ through.
She walks over to the counter, picks up the rolling pin and
smacks it into the palm of her hand.
Hilda– Be back in a jiff.
She goes back into the dining room.
Zelda– (To Darryl) So. What now?
Darryl– Well um, I could register your bike or make lasagne
for fifty.
Zelda– Could you teach me the hiemlich?
Darryl– Sure but first I need a milk break to fortify my body
and build healthy teeth and bones.
He goes over to the fridge to find more milk as Hilda comes
back in carrying a large lump of shapeless dough.
Hilda– Yes I finally got through to Simon.
She presses the pedal-bin with her foot and dumps the
dough in it. She brushes off her hands and turns to her
sister.
Hilda– Well since my dream date turned out to be a dud, I
guess we’ll have to share yours.
She takes Darryl’s arm as he passes having poured out a
large glass of milk.
Zelda– Oh! Oh no! No I’m not sharing. He’s mine.
She grabs Darryl’s other arm.
Hilda– Be nice.
Zelda– I made him. Let go.
Hilda– I won’t.
They start to tug back and forth.
Zelda– Let go! Let go!
With them both tugging in opposite directions something has
to give and it’s Darryl’s shoulder. Zelda pulls his entire arm
out of his sleeve with the glass of milk still clutched in its
hand.
Zelda– (Cont.) Now look what you’ve done.
Darryl– <Sob> My milk!
Hilda– He’s damaged now. Can I have him?
Int. Westbridge High School Harvest Moon Dance. Libby is
having her best night ever dancing the night away with the
handsome Chad.
Chad– Oh man I love this song!
Libby– You and I are so right for each other.
Libby turns as she dances. Chad suddenly looks a little pale
and coughs into his hand. A cloud of flour bursts out. Still
coughing he staggers off towards the exit. Libby doesn’t
notice and keeps on dancing.
Int. School hallway. Chad staggers out of the dining room
and leans against the wall.
Chad– Must… find… preservatives!
He coughs again in another big cloud of flour and stumbles
on.
Int. Harvest Moon Dance. Libby dances happily until she
turns again to find herself doing a Jenny. Chad is nowhere to
be seen.
Libby– Chad!
Ext. School entrance. Libby comes out.
Libby– Chad? Chad? Chad?
She walks further and steps in something. Looking down she
sees a dollop of doughy white stuff on the floor. There are
more dollops littering the entrance area.
Libby– (Cont.) Ew! Oh gross!
She turns and goes back inside. The music from the dance
can just be heard and a particularly large dollop of dough
fleetingly takes on the shape of Chad’s mouth.
Chad– I had a really great time. Oh man I love this song!
Int. School hallway. Libby stands at the pay-phone with the
receiver at her ear.
Run credits.
Libby– Are you a detective? Okay, I’d like to report a
missing person. Chad Cory Dillan. Well he’s really tall, he’s
really cute. He was last seen dancing with me, everyone was
looking it was so cool. What?… Well he’s only been gone
twenty minutes but I thought… No I will not wait twenty-four
hours. Don’t you people realise this is the love of my life?…
Hello? Hello? Urgh!
Third Aunt From The Sun
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Third Aunt From The Sun
Written By – Nick Bakay
Transcribed By – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Jenny – Michelle Beaudoin
Mr. Pool – Paul Feig
Vesta – Raquel Welch
Cletus – Miguel Marcott
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda’s quiet breakfast is disturbed by
Sabrina and Zelda as they enter arguing.
Zelda– No-no-no!
Sabrina– But it’s my belly button!
Zelda– U-hu! It’s our belly button. You can have it back
when you turn eighteen.
Hilda– Don’t tell me, she still wants to hang keys off her
navel? Sabrina, even I think that’s gross.
Sabrina– I still wanna do it.
Hilda– You’ll regret it. I had to wait two centuries to have
the ‘Cromwell Rules’ tattoo removed from my shoulder.
Zelda– That’s not where it was.
Hilda– Be quiet!
Zelda– The point is these things go in and out of style. You
have to remember you’re built for the long haul.
Sabrina– Well I think it’s cool. But if I have to wait two
years, fine! I will. Then I’ll just have everything pierced.
She leaves to catch the school bus. Zelda points after her
and a few seconds later Sabrina’s back and she’s got her
piercing. Only it’s not where she wanted it and the body
jewellery isn’t what she had in mind either.
Sabrina– Okay, very funny. Now remove the bone. Remove
the bone! I’m not going to school like this!
Run opening credits.
Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Sabrina’s happy and
singing as she puts her books away in her locker. She has
every reason to be having lost the bone through her nose.
Sabrina– (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-unky
song!
Jenny arrives.
Jenny– Hey, what are you singing?
Sabrina– Nothing!
Jenny– Well are you going to science?
Sabrina– Well, figured I’m here, I might as well.
They head towards the class.
Jenny– So I was thinking about going to see a movie
Saturday night. Do you wanna come?
Sabrina– Sure! But it’s gotta be an early show, my curfew’s
midnight.
Jenny– You’re so luck your aunts are strict. My parents are
really relaxed which makes it hard to rebel.
Int. Science class. Looks like a party’s going on. Students are
dancing in the isles as Sabrina and Jenny enter. Sabrina
starts to dance along to the familiar song.
Sabrina– Hey Harvey!
Harvey– Hey!
Mr. Pool enters.
Mr. Pool– All right turn it down. Shake your whammy fanny,
oh please! Y’know in my day we had good music.
Harvey– Mr. Pool, didn’t you grow up in the seventies?
Mr. Pool– Yes… Never mind. Okay er today we’re going to
talk about the body’s largest organ, the skin! Now the skin
consists of three different layers.
He starts to scratch at his arm.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) The er dermis.
He scratches at his neck.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) The epidermis.
He scratches at his stomach as the students watch bemused.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) And the subcutaneous tissue. What’s
happening!
He scratches furiously at his legs body and arms.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) I feel like I’m wearing a burlap unitard.
God! I can’t stand the itching. Argh!
Hopping and scratching he rushes off to the nurses office.
Sabrina turns to Jenny and Harvey.
Sabrina– What do we do know?
Harvey– Well if Mr. Pool’s not back in five minutes we can
ditch.
Sabrina– It’s been five minutes hasn’t it?
Harvey– Let’s go!
They start to grab their stuff but a handsome looking woman
in a red suit and glasses enters and waves a pencil at them
like a wand.
Vesta– Sit!
All the students abruptly sit.
Vesta– (Cont.) Stay! Good. Hello class. I am your substitute
teacher. My name is Vesta, I’m an Aries. Now doesn’t anyone
want to tell me where your teacher left off?
She picks Harvey out in the front row.
Vesta– (Cont.) You! Spill!
Harvey– W-w-w-we were talking about skin.
Vesta– Always moisturise and use an exfoliant. Any
questions?
Sabrina raises her hand.
Vesta– (Cont.) Yes?
Sabrina– What does moisturiser have to do with science?
Vesta– Science isn’t everything. What about beauty and art
and culture? Why do we have to focus on science?
Sabrina– Because this is biology?
Vesta– Fine! You want science, listen carefully.
Later. The substitute teacher finishes and elaborate diagram
on the chalkboard.
Vesta– …The thermablast joins the ranials which I think
explains it all.
She turns to see the students furiously scribbling notes as
the school bell rings.
Vesta– (Cont.) Well that’s it for today. Forget everything I
said. Class dismissed.
They all put away their books and start to leave.
Vesta– (Cont.) Except Sabrina. You stay after.
Sabrina– (To Jenny) What did I do?
Jenny– I don’t know but if you’re not out in five minutes I’m
notifying the school paper.
Sabrina– Great… It’s a weekly!
Jenny shrugs and leaves.
Vesta– Sabrina, we need to talk!
Sabrina– Did I do something wrong?
Vesta– Yes.
Then her straight face cracks into a little laugh.
Vesta– (Cont.) No!
She takes off her glasses.
Vesta– (Cont.) Don’t you recognise me?
Sabrina– Should I?
Vesta– Oh, I’ll give you a hint.
She spins and snaps her finger and her red suit transforms
classy black number with white gloves and hat.
Vesta– (Cont.) I am your aunt Vesta.
Sabrina– Let me guess. From my father’s side of the family?
Vesta– Bingo! I even carry a photo of me holding you as a
baby.
She pulls out the photo and shows it to Sabrina.
Sabrina– Oh look. There’s aunt Hilda and aunt Zelda. Is that
Andy Worhol?
Vesta– Mm. Those were the good times. I don’t know why
but the eighties are always the best decade of every century.
Sabrina– Oh look. I’d really love to stay and talk but I’ve
gotta get to class.
Vesta– Don’t be silly, we have a lot of catching up to do.
Now where can we find a good cup of coffee? Oh I know,
Paris.
She snaps her finger and the science class is suddenly
empty.
Int. Le cafe neuvou. Paris, France. An empty table in the
classy riverside cafe is suddenly occupied by Sabrina and
Vesta. Sabrina looks out at the view of the Eiffel tower, then
down at the huge cup of coffee in front of her.
Vesta– Voalla!
Sabrina– You know the weirdest thing? I’m missing French
class to be here.
Vesta– No that’s not the weirdest thing. I once… Oh no,
never mind.
Sabrina– I think I really should have told someone I was
leaving the country.
Vesta– Oh don’t be so jittery. Drink your giant bowl of coffee
and relax.
Sabrina– Three sips and I’m already vibrating. My other
aunts don’t let me drink coffee.
Vesta– Yes, the evil bean. I’m sure they’re full of all sorts of
cant’s and don’ts like (imitating Hilda) Don’t stay up too late
and (Imitating Zelda) No you can’t get a tattoo.
Sabrina– You sound just like them!
Vesta– We lived together for two hundred years but we’re
very very different. You see they actually enjoy living on
Earth and I can’t stand mortals for too long.
Sabrina– You know I’m half mortal?
Vesta– Oh! Not that there’s anything wrong with that,
darling. It’s just that, well mortals seem to have to work so
hard for everything. It tends to make them bitter.
Sabrina– Oh like my teacher, Mr. Pool.
Vesta– Exactly.
Sabrina– What did you do to him anyway?
Vesta– Oh I just gave him a twenty-four hour bug.
Int. Mr. Pool’s bathroom. Mr. Pool is suffering the effects of
Vesta’s bug. It produces acute anxiety, abject terror and
uncontrollable screaming. We won’t mention extremely loose
bowels as anyone who had a seven foot tall cockroach
coming at them in their shower cabinet would suffer that
particular ailment.
Int. La cafe neuvou.
Vesta– My point is that we witches can avoid reality if we
choose. That’s why I live in the Pleasure-dome.
Sabrina– The Pleasure-dome? Where’s that?
Vesta– The Other Realm. You could come and visit.
Sabrina– I don’t think my aunts would let me.
Vesta– Well we’ll just have to convince them.
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda are in
disagreement.
Hilda– Look it’s been this way for years, it’s time for a
change.
She points at the armchair and in a billow of smoke the plain
grey felt chair cover is changed to a floral patterned one.
Zelda– I like it the other way.
She points and it changes back in a smooth, smokeless
transition.
Hilda– I’m not going to stand here all day pointing with you.
Salem sticks his head round the door.
Salem– Listen up! That was Sabrina’s school on the phone.
They said she missed her last five classes.
Zelda– That’s not like her! Where could she be?
Hilda– What if she’s in trouble?
Zelda– Oh I hope she’s not in trouble.
Sabrina enters wearing a black designer dress, pearl
necklace, wide brimmed black hat, black stiletto’s and
designer shades. She also carries shopping bags from all the
best stores in London, Paris and Rome.
Sabrina– I’m home!
Hilda– You are in big trouble.
Zelda– Where have you been? And what are you wearing?
Sabrina– I went to Paris with aunt Vesta.
Aunt Vesta arrives a lot less laden than her niece. She only
carries two tiny little carrier bags.
Hilda and Zelda– (Together) Vesta!
Vesta– Bonjour maysur. Prezzies.
She hands them the tiny bags.
Hilda– Gum?
Vesta– It’s French.
Zelda– What are you doing here? I thought you vowed never
to set foot on Earth again?
Vesta– How could I stay away? I had to see my niece.
Hilda– She was supposed to be in school.
Vesta– Well we tried to make her last class but then we
stopped in Milano for Delato.
Sabrina– You have to.
Hilda– No you don’t. You have to tell people when you run
off to Europe for snacks.
Zelda– (To Vesta) And you can’t just take Sabrina out of
school.
Vesta– Oh I’m only here five seconds and it’s already ‘can’t’
and ‘don’t’ Doesn’t anything ever change around here?
Hilda points at the armchair. A puff of smoke later it’s all
floral again.
Hilda– We got new fabric for the chair.
Vesta– It’s mayhem.
Sabrina– Look, aunt Hilda, aunt Zelda, I’m sorry I didn’t
call. I was wrong. Can I keep the clothes?
Zelda– Oh all right, but go and call Jenny, get your
homework and start doing it.
Sabrina– It’s practically done.
She heads off up stairs.
Vesta– Such a sweet girl and so hungry for life. Surprising, I
mean, with the example you’ve been setting for her.
Zelda– We are setting a fine example. We have a loving
home filled with discipline and responsibility.
Vesta– What about fun?
Hilda– We have fun.
Zelda– In fact, this weekend I have been invited to attend a
very important meeting in Texas on the supercolider. So
there!
The phone rings.
Hilda– I’ll get it. It’s probably somebody fun.
Vesta– I doubt it. So a symposium in Texas, who invited
you?
Zelda– The Visual Engineers for the Study of Theoretical
Activity.
Vesta– I suppose theoretical activity is bet than no activity
at all.
Hilda comes running back in excited.
Hilda– You are not going to believe this! I’ve just been asked
to play with the Conniff Trio in Orlando this Saturday. It’s a
dream come true!
Vesta– Hilda, lucky you.
Hilda– I know you mean that sarcastically but thanks. I have
to pack.
Zelda– Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! You can’t just take off. I have
to go to Texas this weekend, what about Sabrina? We can’t
leave her alone.
Hilda– Then we have to find someone she can stay with.
Their eyes inevitably drift over to a smiling Vesta.
Vesta– Maybe I can be of help?
Sabrina comes down stairs having lost the hat and the
shades but still in her fancy duds.
Sabrina– Jenny just gave me the bad news. I have to read
fifty pages by Monday.
Vesta– Kel drag!
Zelda– Um Sabrina, since Hilda and I have to work how
would you feel about spending the weekend at aunt Vesta’s
pleasure-dome?
Sabrina– I’d really like that! But I’m afraid if I’m too
enthusiastic you wont let me.
Hilda– It’s fine! In fact it would help us.
Sabrina– Then… YES! Whoo-hoo!
Int. The Pleasure-dome. A large dramatically lit space littered
with chaise lounges and coffee tables with art neuvou
ornaments. It’s surrounded by closed doors. Vesta shows her
niece in.
Vesta– Oh so good to be home.
Two liveried servants and a maid come and take Sabrina’s
coat and bags.
Vesta– (Cont.) Welcome to the Pleasure-dome.
She snaps her fingers and both she and Sabrina are in
startling new outfits. Sabrina looks down at the bright orange
dress she’s wearing and wonders ‘Is this really me?’
Vesta– (Cont.) Ah, leave your cant’s and your don’ts
outside. We have only one rule here.
She waves her hand and a neon sign saying ‘No Mortals’
flashes beside her.
Vesta– (Cont.) No Mortals
Sabrina– Great! What a cool place. So I guess you’re really
into doors?
Vesta– Behind each one is a wish fulfilled. Go ahead, take a
look.
Sabrina– Well what’s in there?
Vesta– You’ll see.
Sabrina opens one of the doors and sees a darkened room
with people dancing and music fills the Pleasure-dome.
Brothers Junk– (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny.
Funky song. Funky song!
Shake your whammy fanny. Oh funky song.
Sabrina– Is this what I think it is?
Vesta– Yes. You’re back stage at a Brothers Junk concert.
Sabrina– That’s a fact!
She heads in but Vesta pulls her back.
Vesta– Wait! You aint seen nothin’ yet.
Brothers Junk– (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny.
Funky song! Funky song!
The door closes.
Vesta– Open this one, it’s one of my personal faves.
Sabrina– What is it?
Vesta– The hall of gratuitous praise.
She opens the door and Sabrina is confronted by her adoring
public
Adoring Public– You’re fabulous! We love you! You’re
gorgeous! You’re beautiful!
Vesta closes the door cutting them off.
Sabrina– Oh that was fun! You know? I feel really good
about myself.
Vesta– We also have a twenty-four hour mall and a
restaurant filled with oo-ie goo-ie sliming desserts. And that’s
a room filled with gorgeous single men.
Sabrina– Maybe I’ll just take a peek in there.
Vesta– No don’t! Darling, they know you’re here and the
longer you keep them waiting, the more they’ll want you.
Sabrina– Oh so that’s how it works?
Vesta– U-hu! So we’ll save that room till later.
Sabrina– But I’m only here for the weekend.
Vesta– Well we’ll see about that. Bob-bons?
She holds out her empty hand and by the time Sabrina looks
down it contains a plate of sweets.
Int. Supercolider symposium. Texas. Room 107. Zelda enters
and looks around at the shelves of cleaning products and the
mops and buckets by the wall. The janitor turns to her.
Zelda– Oh is this room 107?
Cletus– Yeah.
Zelda– Well that’s strange. See there’s supposed to be a
lecture here.
Cletus– Be kinda crowded.
Zelda– But do you know anything about a supercolider
conference?
Cletus– No, but then I’m always the last to know.
Zelda– Well the invitation says 107 and it’s engraved.
He takes the invitation card from her.
Cletus– Nice! Who’s it from?
Zelda– The Visual Engineers for the Study of Theoretical
Activity.
Cletus– Why don’t they just shorten it to… V.E.S.T.A?
Zelda– Vesta!
Ext. Orlando, Florida. The Conniff Trio (Including Hilda) play
beautifully but it’s drowned out by the roar of engines as race
cars whip by only yards from where they sit. Zelda arrives
and she has to shout to be heard above the noise.
Zelda– HILDA! HILDA!
Hilda– ZELDA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Zelda– VESTA SET ME UP! AND SHE SET YOU UP TOO.
Hilda– I WONDERED WHY THEY BOOKED A STRING TRIO AT
DAYTONA!
There’s a race car crash and a wheel bounces by.
Zelda– WELL THERE’S YOUR BIG FINISH. COME ON, LET’S
GO.
Hilda– ALL RIGHT BUT VESTA’S TRICK BACKFIRED. OUR
TRIO JUST GOT BOOKED AT THE INDIE 500.
Int. The Pleasure-dome. Sabrina sits with her feet up reading
as Vesta dances the macarana round the room.
Vesta– What are you reading?
Sabrina– ‘Jude the obscure’
Vesta– I’ll say! Hey, d’ya wanna learn the macarana?
Sabrina– I can’t. I promised Hilda and Zelda I’d do my
homework.
Vesta– Sabrina! We need to talk.
Sabrina– Did I do something wrong?
Vesta– No. It’s just your priorities. Isn’t this obsession with
homework getting in the way of your fun?
Sabrina– Well I have to study.
Vesta– Why?
Sabrina– Because you can’t have fun all the time.
Vesta– Why not? Think about that while we join a conga
line.
The conga music starts up and they join the line of maraca
waving dancers who come in on cue.
Vesta– (Cont.) Ha-ha! Anyone want paella!
Sabrina– I do.
They’ve made it once round the dome when two annoyed
aunts enter.
Zelda– Stop!
The music dies with a scrape across the record.
Zelda– (Cont.) What is going on here?
Sabrina dashes back to the chaise lounge and pick up ‘Jude
the obscure’
Sabrina– Welcome to homework land!
Hilda– (To the conga dancers) Move it along, there is
nothing to see here.
They conga out of the dome.
Zelda– (To Vesta) How could you! You tricked us to get
Sabrina up here.
Vesta– Der hey!
Hilda– Well the party’s over, Sabrina’s coming home.
Vesta– You know the rules around here. Now that Sabrina’s
at the Pleasure-dome she can do whatever she wants.
Zelda– So that’s your plan!
Vesta– Please! I don’t plan, I scheme. And forgive me for
wanting my niece to have a little fun.
Zelda– I have heard enough. Come on Sabrina, we’re going
home.
Vesta– She’s staying here!
Hilda– She’s coming home!
Vesta– Staying here!
Zelda– Oh you are so selfish…
Hilda– Come on! she has to be…
Vesta– She is sixteen! She has…
Sabrina– (Interrupting) EXCUSE ME! Can I say something
about my life? Look you guys didn’t tell me I could stay in
the Other Realm if I wanted to. I didn’t know I had a choice.
Vesta– Well you do.
Zelda– Of course you do.
Hilda– And we know you’ll make the right one.
Sabrina– I will… I’m staying here!
Vesta– Ole!
Hilda– But Sabrina! How can you chose the Pleasure-dome
over high school? Wait, that didn’t come out right.
Sabrina– Why don’t you guys stay too? We’re having paella.
Zelda– No thanks. We have real lives back on Earth. Come
on Hilda, let’s go.
Hilda– (Whispering to Zelda) What! We can’t just leave her
here.
Zelda– (Whispering) Follow me, I have a hunch. And don’t
look back.
Hilda looks back and silently curses herself.
Vesta– Chow! Adios! Okay dramas over. Let’s hit the water-
slide.
She jumps up ready for some splashy action but Sabrina just
sits staring after her departed aunts.
Vesta– (Cont.) O-oh! Are you okay?
Sabrina– Yeah I’m fine. I just thought they’d toss around a
few more cant’s and don’ts before taking off.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The closet activates and Hilda
and Zelda return home.
Hilda– Are you insane? You left without a fight! What were
you thinking?
Zelda– That I want Sabrina to come home.
Hilda– Me too. Now let’s go back and get her. I’ll hold Vesta.
Zelda– No! That wont work. If we tell Sabrina she can’t stay
then we’ll just be playing into Vesta’s hands.
Hilda– Can we say it and just not use the word ‘can’t’?
Zelda– Hilda, we’re giving Sabrina a chance to change her
mind. Have a little faith, I think she’ll come home.
Hilda– Ooh Zelda, sneaky. You had a scheme.
Zelda– Well Vesta is my sister.
She leaves.
Hilda– (To herself) I want a scheme!
Int. The Pleasure-dome. Vesta is lay belly down on the
massage table as a blonde muscular man works the fragrant
oil into her back
Vesta– Mmm! That’s good. So good. There’s only one thing
that could make this better.
She snaps her finger and she and the masseuse switch
places.
Vesta– (Cont.) Now this is relaxing.
Sabrina enters in her swimming costume.
Sabrina– I’m wiped! I rode the roller-coaster seventeen
times, went shoe shopping, saw the Brad Pitt I-MAX and man
those hot-tubs take a lot out of you.
Vesta– Poor thing.
Sabrina– I just want to curl up with a good book.
Vesta– Oh Sabrina!
She pushes away the massage table with the big blonde
Adonis on it. there’s a crash and a cry of pain. Vesta shrugs
and turns to her niece.
Vesta– (Cont.) Ah well. We need to talk.
Sabrina– Did I do something wrong?
Vesta– No! Why do you always assume when we need to
talk you did something wrong?
Sabrina– Because I’m a teenager?
Vesta– Anyway, you can’t stay home and read on a
Saturday night. Not when you could be starring in your own
rock video.
Sabrina– I can?
Vesta– Yes sure! All you need to do is come up with a
concept.
Sabrina– Oh easy! Okay! We open on smoke rolling across
the floor. Cue the dancing clowns and widen to reveal me in
a really great outfit.
The phone rings.
Vesta– Phone!
A maid brings in the phone and holds it while Vesta answers.
Vesta– (Cont.) Hello? One moment. It’s for you.
Sabrina– For me?
Vesta– Jenny.
Sabrina– (On phone) Hey Jenny.
Jenny– Hey Sabrina, what’s up?
Sabrina– Not much. How’d you get my number?
Jenny– I called you and your aunts gave it to me. It had the
weirdest seventeen digit area code.
Sabrina– Well I’m visiting family in Canada.
Jenny– But I thought we were going to a movie tonight?
Sabrina– I totally forgot! I’m sorry Jenny. Look, maybe I can
get back.
Vesta– Your video!
Sabrina– (To Vesta) Well can she come watch?
Vesta– The one rule!
With a wave the ‘No Mortals’ sign starts blinking again.
Sabrina– Figures! (On phone) Look Jenny, I’m sort of stuck
here but well you’ll find something fun to do tonight, right?
Jenny– Sure. Yeah, it’s no problem. Anyway I’ll see you.
Sabrina– I’ll see you. Bye.
She hangs up the phone and the maid leaves. Sabrina’s no
longer feeling as excited about her rock video and slumps
down on the chaise lounge.
Vesta– Oh you’re sad. This’ll cheer you up.
She effortlessly uses her magic and holds the result out to
Sabrina.
Vesta– (Cont.) Look a puppy. Isn’t he cute?
Sabrina– You can’t distract me with a puppy, aunt Vesta. I
feel awful.
Vesta– Okay. Remove the puppy.
She gingerly hands the cute, floppy-eared puppy to a servant
and sits beside Sabrina.
Vesta– (Cont.) All right, what’s wrong?
Sabrina– Well Jenny’s my best friend and I just realised, if I
stay here I’ll never see her again. I’ll never see any of my
friends again.
Vesta– Is that all that’s bothering you? You can see your
friends any time you want.
Sabrina– I can?
Vesta– Yes! We have super-secret insider-vision.
Sabrina– Cool!
Vesta– Very.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Where the fun never stops.
Hilda– I’m looking for Ringo’s nose. That should not be hard
to find.
Zelda– Oh I’ve been working on it, here you go.
Hilda– Thanks.
She hands over the nose and Hilda fits it into the 500 piece
Beatles jigsaw puzzle.
Int. The Pleasure-dome. Sabrina and Vesta watch TV. It’s
‘The Spellman show’
Hilda– I still don’t believe Sabrina doesn’t think our lives are
exciting enough.
Vesta– Well you can see how it snoops. With this remote you
can see anyone anywhere. Now who else do you wanna
watch?
Sabrina– How about Salem?
She hits the remote button and switches to ‘The Salem show’
The scene is set in Sabrina’s bedroom and it’s covered with
cat toys. Our hero sits in front of the mirror singing to
himself.
Salem– (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song.
Funky song.
Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-unky song.
Vesta– U-hu! U-hu!
Sabrina– What’s he doing? He’s got squeaky toys all over
my room!
Vesta– You live here now.
Sabrina– Oh! Right. Well let’s see what Harvey’s doing.
She switches over to ‘The Harvey Kinkle Spectacular’ It’s the
episode where he’s jumping up and down on the settee
playing air-guitar and singing.
Harvey– (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-unky
song.
Sabrina– I don’t wanna see this. Er I know, I’ll check on
Jenny. She’s probably out though.
She switches to ‘Story time with Jennifer Kelly’ and finds her
friend sat on her bed reading.
Sabrina– (Cont.) No wait! She’s home and she’s reading
‘Jude the obscure’
Vesta– How pathetic.
Sabrina– But it’s my fault she’s stuck home on a Saturday
night. I totally stood her up.
Vesta– Hey! you are in a guilt free zone. Now what about we
shake our whammy fanny’s and get your video ready? Fu-
unky song.
Later. Vesta ready in her short, black plastic mack, thigh
boots and black officers hat.
Vesta– (Calling) Come on Sabrina! I’m dying to see what
you look like.
Sabrina enters and poses in the doorway to show off the
black and white leopard print mini dress contrasted with
black PVC shoulder length gloves and high heeled thigh
boots.
Sabrina– I don’t know whether to get funky or go fly fishing.
Vesta– You look fabulous.
Sabrina– These boots are killing me.
Vesta– Deal with it. There’s no room for sensible shoes in
rock and roll.
She hands Sabrina a headset microphone and guides her to a
circus lion tamers stand.
Vesta– (Cont.) Now you are large and in charge! Alright,
camera ready!
The cameraman gets in position.
Vesta– (Cont.) Lights!
Dramatic red and blue spots switch on.
Vesta– (Cont.) Smoke! And action!
Dry-ice slithers across the floor as the intro plays, Sabrina
starts to wriggle her Whammy fanny. Four dancing clowns
dance behind her.
Sabrina– (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song.
Funky song.
Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-unky song.
Whoo! Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song. Funky song.
Shake your whammy fanny. Fu-unky song.
Vesta– Come on! Energy up! Up! Up! Shake it! Shake it!
Sabrina tries to continue singing but it’s just not fun
anymore.
Sabrina– Oh no! No! That’s it! I can’t shake anymore.
Vesta– Cut!
The backing music and the dancing clowns stop instantly.
Sabrina– This is a mistake. Aunt Vesta, we need to talk.
Vesta– Did I do something wrong?
Sabrina– No, I did. Look, I shouldn’t be here, I should be at
the movies with Jenny.
Vesta– Oh but that’s so ordinary. I mean you could be a
rock star.
Sabrina– I’m not a rock star, I’m a kareoke singer… and not
a very good one at that.
Vesta– I think someone needs a little trip to the hall of
gratuitous praise.
Sabrina– No I don’t wanna go to the hall of gratuitous
praise, I wanna go home.
Vesta– Sabrina you can’t go. I’ll be so lonely without you.
Sabrina– Well you can come stay with Hilda and Zelda and
me.
Vesta– …Maybe I’ll just get that puppy back.
Sabrina– I’d better run. Jenny and I can still make a late
show. You know, that is if Hilda and Zelda will let me break
curfew.
Vesta– Oh then I guess you’ll be needing this.
She holds out her hand and Sabrina’s nap-sack appears
hanging from it with her homework in it.
Sabrina– Thanks. You know I had fun.
They hug.
Vesta– This is the Pleasure-dome.
Sabrina– Chow!
Vesta– Chow!
Sabrina leaves. Vesta sighs heavily.
Vesta– (Cont.) Oh what now?
She has an idea and walks over to the doorway to the hall of
gratuitous praise and opens it.
Adoring public– We love you! You’re beautiful! You’re
gorgeous! You’re wonderful!
She pushes the door too.
Vesta– So empty! But it works.
She opens the door again and enters smiling.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters to find it a mess with
Salem’s stuff scattered everywhere.
Sabrina– Salem, what are you doing?
Salem– Der! I was just reorganising?
Sabrina– You know I saw you singing in the mirror.
Salem– NOOOOOOoooo!
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda hear Salem’s cry of
dismay.
Hilda– Did you hear something?
Zelda– Yes. Be cool.
Sabrina comes down the stairs still in her rock video outfit.
Sabrina– Hi! I’m home!
Hilda– Oh hello Sabrina.
Zelda– What happened? Didn’t you like the Pleasure-dome?
Sabrina– It was okay, but the truth is without ‘cant’s’ and
‘don’ts’ it’s hard to know where the fun is.
Zelda– It’s so nice to have you back.
Sabrina– And it’s nice to be back.
She hugs her aunts.
Sabrina– Now can I go out? You know I promised Jenny I’d
go to the movies with her and I feel I should honour that
responsibility.
Hilda– You can go but don’t stay out past one.
Zelda– And you can’t wear those boots.
Sabrina– I’m home!
She points at herself for a quick change into her tatty old
jeans, sweater and coat.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Better? Gotta go and thanks for not
making a big deal outa this.
She leaves.
Hilda– Deal of the century!
Zelda– She’s back!
They pick up the jigsaw pieces and toss them up into the air
with delight.
Hilda and Zelda– (Together) She’s back!
Int. Mr. Pool’s bathroom. He’s still struggling to overcome his
twenty-four hour bug. Then he gets in a good blow with the
sink plunger. The giant bug staggers backwards injured.
Run credits.
Mr. Pool– Yes! Yes!
But the bug pulls the plunger away and throws it to the floor.
It advances on Mr. Pool again who’s taken refuge in the
shower stall.
Mr. Pool– No! All right, just let me grab these canisters.
He grabs two air-freshener spray cans from above the sink
and takes the fight to the bug.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) All right, I’m ready for you little weevil.
Come closer, come a little closer! Suck pot-pouree and die!
He squirts the bug in the face as he dives for cover hitting his
head on the wall in the process.
Later. Mr. Pool comes round with the aerosols still in his
hands.
Mr. Pool– Oh man what a dream. Sushi and Cafka don’t mix.
He sees a regular sized cockroach scurry along the skirting-
board and is thrown into a panic and lets it have it with both
barrels
Magic Joel
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Magic Joel
Written By – Nell Scovell & Norma Safford Vela
Transcribed By – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Mr. Pool – Paul Feig
Libby – Jenna Liegh Green
Magic Joel – Andrew Keegan
Ethan – Paul Provenza
Justin – Donald Adeosun Faison
Emma – Elizabeth Hart
Zoë – Ally Holmes
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s doing her homework.
Salem pushes her door open with his head.
Salem– Sabrina, phone’s for you.
Sabrina– I didn’t hear it ring.
Salem– I was on another call. I think it’s Harvey.
Sabrina– Well why didn’t you say so. Scat!
Salem– I hate when she says that.
Salem leaves and Sabrina hurries to the phone by her bed.
Sabrina– Hello?
Harvey– Hey Sabrina.
Sabrina– Hi Harvey.
Harvey– I’ve got a question.
Sabrina– Sure, ask away.
Harvey– What page are we supposed to read for Mr. Pool’s
class?
Sabrina– Um just the chapter on digestion up to the large
intestine. Is that it?
Harvey– No. Actually I’m not calling about homework, that
was just an excuse.
Sabrina– It was? For what?
Harvey– I really called to say, Sabrina I think you’re the
prettiest girl in school.
Sabrina– (Excited) You do?
Harvey– Yeah.
Sabrina sits quivering with excitement. She can’t ever
remember feeling this happy.
Harvey– (Cont.) And there’s something else I wanna tell
you.
Sabrina– What?
Int. Upstairs landing. Salem is sat on the linen basket with
the phone and speaks into it in a good impersonation of
Harvey.
Salem– I like squid! I like it a lot! Squid rocks!
Sabrina– Who is this?
Salem– It’s Harvey-he-he-he-he!
Sabrina comes out of her bedroom furious.
Sabrina– Salem!
Salem– O-oh!
Sabrina– You are so neutered!
She snatches the phone from him and storms back into her
room.
Salem– He-he-he.
Run opening credits.
Int. The Slicery. Sabrina is sat with her friend Emma but her
attention keeps drifting to the door.
Emma– …And if the soccer team wins again tomorrow we
get to go to the play-offs.
Sabrina– U-hu!
Emma– Sabrina, did you hear what I said?
Sabrina– Sure! You were saying something about…
something?
Emma– You’re not paying attention. You keep looking
around.
Sabrina– I was sort of expecting Harvey to show up. So er
what were you saying about… school?
Emma– I wasn’t saying anything about school. I was saying
that if the soccer team wins again tomorrow…
Sabrina– (Interrupting) Wait! Harvey here! Pretend like
we’re talking.
Emma– We are talking
Harvey– Hi guys!
Sabrina and Emma– Hi Harvey.
Harvey– Sabrina, would you be up for a game of foozball?
Sabrina– Oh actually I was just talking to Emma.
Emma– That’s okay, you go and play. I’ll finish my story
later.
Sabrina– Good, because I really wanna hear the end of it…
and the beginning. (To Harvey) Okay! Let’s foos! I lead forty-
two to thirty-eight.
Harvey– Yeah but you’re going down today.
Sabrina– Ball up!
The games on.
Harvey– Spin! Spin!
Sabrina– You’re on the ropes!
Libby wanders past the table.
Libby– Hey Harvey!
Harvey– Hi Libby.
Harvey’s distracted for a moment and Sabrina slams the ball
into the back of his open goal.
Sabrina– GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAOAOAAAAAAAAAL!!!!
Harvey– What?
Sabrina– Um goal.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda’s working on her lap-top at the
table as Sabrina comes in.
Sabrina– Hey.
Zelda– Oh hi Sabrina. Oh Harvey called for you about an
hour ago.
Sabrina– No he didn’t, I was just with him.
Salem– He-he-he. Why do I never tire of it?
Sabrina glares at him. Like that ever works.
Zelda– So you were out with Harvey? The two of you have a
date?
Sabrina– No, we were just playing foozball. Harvey’s too
oblivious to ask me out on a date. I wish there was some
way I could get Harvey to notice me more.
Zelda– Well the best way to get someone’s attention is to be
an interesting person.
Sabrina– Gee let me think! What would make me more
interesting? I know! What if I had supernatural powers and
could blow stuff up?
She points at the sink and sets off a mini explosion that
wakes Salem up.
Salem– Careful! A little close!
Zelda– Sabrina that is not the way to get Harvey’s attention.
Sabrina– I know but it made me feel better.
Zelda– Look, If you want him to notice you don’t be so
available. Get a hobby or a job. When I was a girl I kept
bees.
Sabrina– I think I’ll get a job.
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina stands looking
up at the notice board next to Zoë
Zoë– What kinda job are you looking for?
Sabrina– Ah just something to keep me busy on Friday
nights.
Zoë– Yeah, I don’t have a boyfriend either.
Sabrina– Hey look! (Reading) ‘Auditions today for a lovely
magicians assistant’ That’s perfect for me.
Zoë– Oh conceited!
She walks off.
Int. School cafeteria. later. Joel, the magician is running his
auditions for a lovely assistant. The first applicant arrives.
Justin– I’m here for the lovely magicians assistant job.
Joel– Well you’re really not qualified.
Justin– Aren’t I lovely?
Joel– Well yes, Justin, you are, but you’re not a girl.
Justin– Well the sign didn’t say anything about being a girl.
Joel– Would you be willing to wear sequins?
Justin– Sure!
Joel– Slit up to here?
He touches the top of his hip.
Justin– No problem!
Joel– Yeah well… You’re too tall. Next!
Justin– I’ll wear flats!
Joel– Next!
Justin passes Sabrina on his way out.
Justin– He’ll love you shorty.
Sabrina– (To Joel) Um I’m her for the magicians assistant
job. I’m Sabrina Spellman.
Joel– I know. We’re in English class together.
Sabrina– We are?
Joel– Yeah! I sit three chairs behind you. Remember one day
you dropped your pen and I picked it up and you said ‘thanks
a lot’?
Sabrina– …Yeah and then you said ‘You’re welcome’?
Joel– Right! Well you seem qualified. You’re lovely, not too
tall. Now, do you have any experience of magic?
Sabrina– A little. I prepared a trick.
She opens up her nap-sack and takes out an apple.
Joel– Well you’re mostly there for misdirection but go ahead.
Sabrina puts the apple down on the table, stands back and
points at it.
Sabrina– Abracadabra!
It expands into a very large apple before their eyes.
Joel– That’s like Vagas magic! You’ve got the job!
Sabrina– Cool!
She takes the nine-inch wide apple and wrestles it into her
nap-sack.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina’s at her locker when Harvey
shows up.
Harvey– Hey, are you heading over to The Slicery?
Sabrina– I can’t, I have rehearsal.
Harvey– Rehearsal? Are you in a play?
Sabrina– No. I got a job as the lovely assistant in a
professional magic act.
Libby saunters by.
Libby– Hey Sabrina! I heard you joined Magic Joel’s freak
show.
Sabrina– It’s his world of wonder!
Libby– Harvey, I’m heading over to The Slicery. See you
there?
Harvey– Sure. (To Sabrina) Are you comin’?
Sabrina– Didn’t you hear what I said? I can’t.
Int. Joel’s laundry room. The door is flung wide dramatically
and Joel shows Sabrina in. One side is filled with magic props
and has framed posters of famous magic acts on the wall.
The other side has a washer and drier and piles of laundry.
Joel– This is where the magic happens!
Sabrina– And the laundry.
Joel– Do you wanna see me saw my dog in half?
Sabrina– Your dog?
Joel– I had to practice on something before you came along.
Sabrina– How did you get into magic anyway?
Joel– The truth is I thought it would make girls like me.
Sabrina– And did it?
Joel– See that’s the tragedy, girls hate magic, but I still do it
because magic makes me feel special, but I guess you
wouldn’t understand that.
Sabrina– Actually I would.
Joel– If only magic were real.
Sabrina says nothing and keeps a straight face.
Joel– (Cont.) Okay let’s start. The first illusion you will learn
is…
He walks over to the biggest prop in the room and pulls back
it’s red curtain.
Joel– (Cont.) The assistant’s revenge.
A large wooden rectangular frame is uncovered with a web of
leather straps hanging from the sides At the top is a neck
stock and at the bottom an ankle stock. The curtain goes all
the way around the front.
Sabrina– Wow! My magic never involved such large props.
Joel– Well you’re not a professional. Okay. Now before I
show it to you, you must swear never to reveal the amazing
and mystifying secrets of magic.
Sabrina– I swear I will never tell.
Joel– The amazing and…
Sabrina– (Interrupting) And mystifying secrets of magic. So
er how does it work?
Joel– Step in.
Sabrina climbs between the frame. There’s a small stand at
the bottom to raise her so her neck is level with the stock.
Joel– Now I buckle the buckles and lock the stocks…
A little later. Sabrina is thoroughly buckled and locked within
the frame.
Sabrina– Are you almost done?
Joel– You know my dog never complained. Now I close the
curtain and I walk around the back and presto! Change-o!
Sabrina– Aw! My foot!
Joel– Sorry!
Sabrina pulls the curtain back to reveal that Joel is now
buckled and locked within the elaborate bonds of the frame.
Joel– Now say ‘Isn’t he amazing?’
Sabrina– Isn’t he amazing?
She poses and smiles at the imaginary audience.
Joel– Thanks. Now close the curtain again.
Sabrina does and right away.
Joel– (Cont.) Open it again.
She does and Joel’s gone from the frame.
Sabrina– Hey! Where’d you go?
He jumps out from the side of the frame.
Joel– Hup! I disappeared!
Sabrina– Amazing!
Joel– It’s our big finale. Now let’s talk wardrobe. I’m thinking
a valour pant suit with a plunging neck line.
Sabrina looks down at herself trying to picture it.
Joel– (Cont.) And what will you wear?
Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina comes through the front
door followed by Joel.
Sabrina– You didn’t have to walk me home.
Joel– Well after rehearsal I always had to walk my dog too.
Sabrina– Well, I’ll see ya.
Joel– But before I go.
He strikes a match then gives it a shake. The match turns
into a red rose.
Sabrina– Isn’t he amazing?
Joel– For you.
Sabrina– Thanks. See ya tomorrow.
Joel– Oh! Watch me disappear!
The door closes and he’s gone. Sabrina turns from the door
to be intercepted by the ever curious Hilda.
Hilda– Who was that?
Sabrina– Joel.
Hilda– He seems like a nice boy.
Sabrina– Yeah. Did Harvey call?
Hilda– I don’t think so but check with the cat.
Sabrina gives her rose to Hilda before heading for the
kitchen. Hilda looks at the small rose and points at it. The big
bouquet of them is much better and she smells their
fragrance.
Hilda– (To Herself) Oh! I shouldn’t have.
Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. The lunch-time
entertainment is in full swing, although he could probably
have picked a more responsive subject than Libby.
Joel– Pick a card! Any card!
He waves a fanned deck in front of her and manipulates one
card from underneath, tempting her to take it.
Joel– (Cont.) And I will amaze and astound you.
Libby– You mean bother and bore me.
She gets up and barges past Joel with her lunch tray and
goes over to Sabrina and Harvey’s table.
Libby– Hi Harvey! Can I sit with you?
Without waiting for an answer she pulls out a chair and sits.
Sabrina– What’s wrong with your table?
Libby– It’s too close to Magic Joel. I can’t believe you’re
working with him.
Harvey– You’re working with Joel?
Sabrina– I told you I’m his lovely assistant. You never pay
any attention.
Harvey– Yes I do. You’ve got pudding right there.
Libby laughs as Sabrina wipes pudding off her cheek.
Meanwhile Joel’s found another victim.
Joel– I hope this beautiful tie isn’t valuable?
Mr. Pool– Well it’s my favourite tie but…
Joel snips it in half with his scissors.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) What are you doing!
Joel– Magic Mr. Pool. Magic to amaze and astound you.
He takes the two halves of the tie and places them in a red
felt bag and gesture over it.
Joel– (Cont.) Presto! Change-o!
He pulls out the tie whole again and hands it to Mr. Pool.
Mr.. Pool– Huh! How’d you do that?
He smells at the tie and inspects it.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) I think you made it cleaner.
Joel– Mr. Pool, I’m going to make you an offer that you con’t
refuse.
While at Sabrina’s table.
Libby– …So Clare comes over. You know Clare?
Sabrina– No.
Libby– Well she had the best story about Alice. You know
Alice?
Harvey– No.
Libby– I’m telling the story anyway. You see…
Joel– (Interrupting) Sabrina! Sabrina! I have great news!
Sabrina– Excuse me, business.
She gets up and moves away with Joel and is happy to get
away from Libby’s story.
Joel– Thanks to Mr. Pool we’ve got our first big gig. It’s
tomorrow, here in the cafeteria.
Sabrina– Alright! The cafeteria?
Joel– Yeah!
Sabrina– Do I have to wear a hair-net?
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Zelda’s on the phone.
Zelda– Tomorrow evening then… That sounds great. Okay.
Bye.
She hangs up as Hilda comes down the stairs.
Hilda– Who was that? What’s going on? I could only hear
your side of the conversation.
Zelda– That was my old collage buddy.
Hilda– Gallilao?
Zelda– No. Ethan Bodiker, he’s coming over tomorrow night
for dinner.
Hilda– Oh Zelda, you have a date.
Zelda– It’s not a date, it’s dinner with a colleague. And
you’re welcome to join us.
Hilda– I’d rather die but thanks.
Sabrina comes down the stairs like a glittering flamingo.
Silver stilettos, a slinky pink sequins full length dress with a
slit up to her thigh, pink shoulder length silk gloves and a
large pink feather in her hair. She does her ‘isn’t he amazing’
pose.
Sabrina– Ta-da! What do ya think? Do I look more
interesting?
Zelda– You look like some cheesy magicians assistant.
Sabrina– His name is Joel! And when we perform in the
cafeteria tomorrow all eyes will be on us and Harvey will
have to notice me.
Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. The next day. The
magic show is underway and Sabrina smiles and poses in her
pink ensemble as the equally sparkly Joel in a lime green silk
shirt performs his illusions. Harvey and Libby have seats in
the front row.
Harvey– (To Libby) What is Sabrina doing up there? Since
when did she join a magic act?
Joel– Behold! The linking rings are un-linked!
He lifts the four steel rings up and pulls them apart. Or at
least that’s what’s supposed to happen but the linking rings
remain very firmly linked. The audience laugh.
Joel– (Cont.) Un-linked!
He tries again but with the same result.
Joel– (Cont.) Still linked! Ha-ha!
Sabrina– Isn’t he amazing?
Libby– Amazingly lame!
The audience laughs.
Mr. Pool– (To Libby) Shh!
Joel– (To Sabrina) I can’t take the pressure.
Sabrina– You can do this Joel. Move onto the tie trick.
Joel– (To Mr. Pool) Sir! May I have your tie so I can perform
a trick that will amaze and astound you?
Mr. Pool– Why of course! I love this trick.
He takes off his tie and hands it to Joel.
Joel– Now I hope this tie isn’t valuable.
Mr. Pool laughs as Joel snips the tie in half and places it in
the red bag.
Joel– (Cont.) O-oh!
Mr. Pool– O-oh? You mean presto!
Joel– No, I messed up.
He Takes the two halves out of the bag.
Joel– (Cont.) I cut the wrong part.
Mr. Pool– You ruined my tie? Grandpa’s tie!
Sabrina– Isn’t he amazing?
Mr. Pool– No!
He walks off with the two halves of his tie.
Sabrina– (To Joel) Let’s go to the big finish.
Joel– Good idea. (To the audience) And now ladies and
gentlemen for the big finale I will make my lovely assistant
disappear!
Libby– (To Harvey) You know Sabrina really found a perfect
boyfriend.
Harvey– She and Joel are going out?
Libby– That’s what I heard.
A little later.
Joel– Alright! As you can see she cannot escape.
Sabrina wriggles a bit within the stocks and straps to show
how helpless she is.
Joel– (Cont.) Now!
He draws the curtain in front of her disappearing behind it
himself
Joel– (Cont.) Presto! Change-o!
And the now free Sabrina pulls back the curtain to reveal to
the stunned audience that Joel is now locked and strapped
within the frame.
Sabrina– Ta-da!
The audience is impressed at last and applaud.
Libby– Leave him in there!
Sabrina– Now Magic Joel will disappear.
She draws the curtain in front of him again.
Joel– (Whispering) No wait! My pants are stuck!
Sabrina– What do you mean?
Joel– Oh I blew the trick!
Sabrina– We’ll make it work.
Sabrina points at the curtain and pulls back the curtain.
Joel– No don’t!
Sabrina– (To the audience) See! Magic Joel has
disappeared.
The audience applaud enthusiastically because indeed Joel
has vanished and the frame looks empty.
Harvey– Wow! How’d they do that?
Libby– Magic I guess.
Sabrina– Shows over!
And she quickly draws the main curtains.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Joel! Joel, where are you?
Joel– I’m right here.
Sabrina– Where?
Joel– In the stocks. What am I, invisible?
Sabrina reaches up with a silk gloved finger and feels for
him.
Joel– (Cont.) Aw! My eye! You mean I’m actually invisible?
Sabrina starts undoing the straps and locks.
Sabrina– I don’t know what happened.
Joel– I do. All my hard work paid off. My magic is real.
Sabrina– It’s real all right! Okay, now we have to change
you back.
The last lock is removed and Joel is free.
Joel– Why? This is great! I can go anywhere. I can do
anything. I am Magic Joel!
Sabrina finds Joel’s pants on the floor and as she picks them
up the curtain behind he billows.
Sabrina– Joel? Joel? Joel! Where’d he go?
The cafeteria door opens and closes by itself.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina runs out of the cafeteria and
looks up and down the empty hallway.
Sabrina– Joel? Joel?
She runs along the hallway looking for him but Harvey comes
out of the cafeteria and calls her back.
Harvey– Sabrina!
Sabrina– Hi Harvey.
Harvey– I saw the show and I have a question.
Sabrina– Oh I can’t tell you how the tricks are done.
Harvey– No I… Y’know I just wanted to know if it was true
that you and Joel are goin’ out?
Joel– Yes!
Sabrina– No!
Harvey– Did someone say yes?
Joel– Yes!
Sabrina– No! I’m-I’m practising my ventriloquism for the
act. But er we’ll talk later, right now I’ve got to um…
She gropes around where Joel’s voice came from and finds
his arm. She starts to drag Joel towards the science
classroom behind her.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Go to Mr. Pool’s room.
Joel resists but she tugs him in and pushes him ahead of her
before turning back to Harvey.
Sabrina– (Cont.) I’m also doing mime.
She closes the door and turns to Joel. Or at least in his
general direction.
Sabrina– (To Joel) How dare you! You have no right telling
Harvey we’re boyfriend and girlfriend.
Joel– Why not?
Sabrina– Because we’re not!
Books move on a bench.
Joel– I gave you a flower and you took it.
Sabrina– That doesn’t mean anything!
Joel– Maybe not to you but it does to me.
A model of an atom spins on another bench.
Sabrina– Look, Joel, we have a business relationship and
that’s it.
Joel– But Harvey doesn’t even notice you! I would worship
you, you’d be my everything.
Sabrina– I don’t wanna be your everything.
Mr. Pool enters with the two halves of his tie.
Mr. Pool– Sabrina! What are you doing in my classroom?
Sabrina– Er I came to ask you a question.
Mr. Pool– Ask away as I staple my tie back together.
Sabrina– Okay, I-I wanted to know if you enjoyed the magic
show?
Mr. Pool– Er not really. Joel ruined my favourite tie. There’s
really something not right about that boy.
All the papers on Mr. Pool’s desk go flying.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) What’s that!
Sabrina– A gust of wind?
Mr. Pool– In this windowless prison cell? Anyway, y’know I
thought you were really polished. My advice, lose Joel. You
don’t need him.
The heavy text book rises off the desk and swings at Mr.
Pool’s head. Sabrina reaches out and grabs Mr. Pool and pulls
him towards her.
Sabrina– Mr. Pool!
The book misses it’s target. Just.
Mr. Pool– Sabrina?
Sabrina– Don’t be so harsh! This magic things a lot harder
than it looks. Well, I’d better get going.
She heads out of the class gesturing to the room.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Come on!
Mr. Pool watches her go and shakes his head. If he lived to
be a thousand he’d still not understand teenagers. He goes to
his desk to start sorting out the papers that are strewn
everywhere but as he sits his chair mysteriously moves away
and he falls on his butt. A flips up and the open door slams
shut. Mr. Pool picks up his stapled tie and looks at it.
Mr. Pool– (To the room) Grandpa?
Int. Spellman kitchen. The phone rings and Hilda answers.
Hilda– Yello?
Sabrina– Aunt Hilda you have to help me! I turned Joel
invisible.
Hilda– Calm down! You just need to give him a shot of
visibility powder, it’s right here in the cabinet.
A point and the secret cabinet swings open and Hilda takes
out what looks like a talcum powder container.
Sabrina– Can you bring it to me?
Hilda– You still don’t get this witch thing do you? Are you
alone?
Sabrina looks up and down the hallway.
Sabrina– Pretty much.
Hilda points at the visibility powder and instantly it’s on the
shelf by the pay-phones at school.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Got it.
Hilda– Just spray some in his face and he’ll be fine. See? No
problem.
Sabrina– No problem except now I have to find him!
Hilda– Let’s see. A sixteen year old invisible boy lose in a
high school. Where would he go?
Sabrina– Oh-no!
Sabrina drops the receiver and runs.
Int. The girls locker room. Half a dozen girls are in the
process of changing for gym class when Sabrina slides to
stop beside them.
Sabrina– Keep your shirts on! Don’t change! I smell smoke!
RUN!
The girls scream in fright and run for the fire escape.
Sabrina– Panic! Don’t inhale!
She’s suddenly alone in the locker room. Well almost.
Joel– Mean!
He throws a towel at her.
Sabrina– I knew you’d be here. Look Joel, we need to talk.
Joel– Did you come to tell me you’d changed your mind?
Sabrina– No!
She squirt the visibility powder at the spot where the voice
came from but nothing happens.
Joel– What are you doing with that talcum powder?
The voice comes from behind her, she turns.
Sabrina– I thought you might be chafing.
She squirts again but misses again.
Joel– I know you probably don’t see much in me right now
but you will. I’ll make you notice me Sabrina. You wait and
see.
He’s moving all the time and in a desperate effort she spins
squirting around her and is engulfed in a cloud of powder.
Unfortunately none of it reaches Joel.
Int. Spellman living room. Zelda answers the front door.
Zelda– Ethan!
A tall, dark and handsome young man enters.
Zelda– (Cont.) I’m so glad you came.
Ethan– Zelda, you look great! You never seem to age.
Zelda– Well let’s not talk about me, let’s talk about the
search for monopoles.
Ethan– Ah you’ve read my last paper!
Zelda– I couldn’t put it down.
Hilda comes down stairs.
Hilda– Zelda! I’m late for my tea at the Harvard club!
She has a large rubber brain stuck on top of her head over
her hair and looks very silly. She sees Ethan and stops in her
tracks.
Hilda– (Cont.) Are you Ethan?
Ethan– Yes.
Hilda– Oh my God!
She runs off to the kitchen totally embarrassed.
Zelda– (To Ethan) Excuse me.
She goes after her sister.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda is struggling to get the rubber
brain off her head as Zelda enters.
Zelda– What’s going on?
Hilda– It’s stuck! Why didn’t you tell me Ethan was cute?
Zelda– Well I don’t think about the way he looks, I think
about the way he thinks.
Hilda– I think he’s cute!
Zelda– Weren’t you going to Harvard for some tea?
Hilda– No stupid! I was making fun of you. Oh!
The rubber brain finally comes free leaving Hilda’s hair stuck
up all over the place.
Hilda– (Cont.) Now I’m staying here. How’s my hair.
Zelda– You have brain head.
Int. The Slicery. Sabrina enters and joins Emma at a table.
Emma– Where’ve you been?
Sabrina– Looking for Joel.
Emma– I haven’t seen him.
Sabrina– Me neither.
Harvey comes over.
Harvey– Hi Sabrina. Can I sit here?
Sabrina– Sure!
Harvey– I wanna hear more about your ventriloquism. You
talk with your stomach right?
Joel– Harvey’s a loser!
Harvey– Who said that?
Sabrina– Er my stomachs grumbling.
The empty pizza tray on the table jumps up and hits Harvey
in the face and Sabrina’s finally had enough.
Sabrina– (Under her breath) That’s it!
She jumps off her chair and kicks wildly at where she thinks
Joel might be.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Where are you?
She spins round and kicks again.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Where are you!
A few wild swings of her arms and she sets off running round
the table swinging her arms and kicking at thin air.
Sabrina– (Cont.) When I get my hands on you!
Everyone in The Slicery has stopped what they’re doing and
are watching the mad girl who’s getting red in the face. She
finally stops and looks round at everyone.
Harvey– Sabrina?
Sabrina– …Gotta go!
She grabs her coat and flees The Slicery.
Int. Spellman dining room. Zelda and Hilda sit with Ethan
having dinner.
Zelda– But you have to factor in, quarks remain forever
trapped in the particles they create.
Hilda– I know the feeling.
Ethan– Yes but now-a-days all physics is sub-atomic
physics. I mean between the bosons and the leptons and the
quarks…
Hilda– (Interrupting) Since you took a breath I thought I’d
jump in with a new topic. What’s your favourite Bruce Willis
movie?
Ethan– I don’t now, ‘Die Hard’
Hilda– One, two or three?
Ethan– Weren’t they all the same?
Hilda– No. Actually two is very different.
Zelda– Hilda, sister dear. Why don’t you make like an atom
and split?
Hilda– Fine! I can take a hint. I’ll leave you alone to discus
your little quirks.
Ethan– It’s quarks.
Hilda– I meant quirks!
She picks up her pie and leaves.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina walks in through the back
door as Hilda enters from the dining room.
Sabrina– Don’t talk, bad night!
Hilda– Know the feeling!
Sabrina walks on upstairs and Hilda to the counter to dumps
her pie.
Int. Spellman dining room.
Zelda– Thank goodness that she left. Now we can talk about
the first millisecond after the big bang. See I think…
Ethan– (Interrupting) Love me!
Zelda– What!
Ethan– I’m sorry. It’s just that we finally get rid of your
weird sister and all you can talk about is the big bang? I
came here tonight hoping for more than science. I wanted
you to look into my eyes and see something other than rods
and cones.
He takes her hands in his and draws her to her feet.
Ethan– I love you Zelda. Don’t you realise that?
Zelda– You never said anything.
Ethan– I’ve been playing footsie with you all night!
Zelda– That was you! I thought it was the cat.
Ethan– What’s the point? This is too humiliating.
He turns towards the living room and the front door.
Zelda– (To herself) I can’t let him go. Slippery floor!
She casts the spell and Ethan’s feet slide from under him
leaving him in a heap on the slippery living room floor. Zelda
winces and dashes over to him.
Zelda– (Cont.) Are you okay?
Ethan– What happened?
Zelda– Slippery floor.
The door-bell rings and a still disgruntled Hilda walks through
with Salem at her shoulder for comfort.
Hilda– I’ll get it. What are you doing down there?
Zelda and Ethan– (Together) Slippery floor.
Zelda– And now we’re going back into the dining room.
She helps Ethan up and they make their way to the sliding
doors.
Zelda– (Cont.) It’s um time for dessert.
Ethan– Dessert?
Zelda– Yes, dessert.
Ethan– Oh good. I-I like dessert.
They look into each others eyes as their hands find the
handles to the sliding doors and they come together as the
doors do.
Salem– Animals!
Hilda carries on to the front door. There’s a boy stood there.
Hilda– Hello, who are you?
Harvey– I’m Harvey. Is Sabrina here?
Hilda– Oh come in. So you’re Harvey.
She puts Salem down on the bottom tread of the stairs.
Hilda– (Cont.) Salem, Go get Sabrina.
Salem– (Under his breath) Why do I have to be the one?
But he runs up the stairs anyway as Hilda turns back to
Harvey.
Hilda– I have a few questions.
Harvey looks uncomfortable.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s still upset about her
performance in The Slicery and is lay reading on her bed
when Salem enters.
Salem– (Imitating Harvey) Hey Sabrina, guess who’s here?
Sabrina– Very funny.
Salem– No really, Harvey’s here.
Sabrina– Harvey’s here?
She rolls off the bed and runs for the stairs.
Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina’s smiling with excitement
as she runs down the stairs and can’t quite hide it when she
reaches the bottom.
Sabrina– Hi Harvey.
Harvey– Hi Sabrina.
He’s feeling a little excited and nervous also.
Hilda– I’ll leave you two alone.
Sabrina– Take the cat!
Salem– Meow!
Hilda takes him to the kitchen.
Sabrina– So er what are you doing here?
Harvey– I was worried about you. I noticed that you sorta
lost it at The Slicery.
Sabrina– You noticed?
Harvey– Yeah and I wondered if maybe you were mad at
me?
Sabrina– No, I’m not mad.
Harvey– Good, ‘cause I was thing that maybe (mumbling) y
wa..a g.. da..e e?
Sabrina– What?
Harvey– Oh don’t make me say it again!
Sabrina– I swear I didn’t hear you.
Harvey– Do you wanna go out with me? Like on a date?
Sabrina– Like a real date? I-I’d love that! Yeah er when?
Harvey– Now?
Sabrina– Let’s go!
They get as far as the door.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Wait. I should change first. Hang here, I’ll
be right back.
Harvey– Actually! I’m going to wait in my car. I’m afraid
your aunt’ll keep asking me questions.
Sabrina– Okay, meet you out front.
Harvey leaves and Sabrina heads up stairs feeling wonderful
and bumps into something.
Sabrina– Oh!
Joel– Hi Sabrina.
Sabrina– Joel?
She sits on the stair beside the invisible boy.
Sabrina– I totally forgot about you. How did you get here?
Joel– I came in with Harvey.
Sabrina– Did you notice he noticed me?
Joel– Yeah! So I guess I’m out of the running.
Sabrina– Joel, you never were… Yeah, you’re out of the
running.
Joel– I wish you liked me Sabrina.
A potted plant rustles as he moves further into the living
room. Sabrina follows.
Sabrina– I do Joel, just not in the way you want me to. But I
like talking magic with you.
Joel– You do?
Sabrina– Yeah. Look, are you anywhere near my face?
The piano starts to play by itself.
Joel– Actually, I’m at the piano.
Sabrina– Oh I didn’t know you liked the piano.
Joel– I thought it’d make girls like me.
Sabrina– And did it?
Joel– No. Girls like guitars.
Sabrina– Hey er wait here. Play! I’ve got to grab something
in the kitchen.
Joel plays, very well, as Sabrina nips off
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina runs in and grabs the visibility
powder from her nap-sack on the counter and runs back with
it hidden behind her back.
Int. Spellman living room. Joel is still playing beautifully as
Sabrina approaches.
Sabrina– Wow! You’re good.
Joel– You think?
Sabrina– Yeah.
She squirts the powder where his face should be and he
stops playing and starts coughing. He appears still in his
green shirt but minus his pants wafting at the powder in the
air.
Joel– What are you doing!
Sabrina– I’m undoing, and you know Joel? Someday some
girl will appreciate all your hard work. Maybe not in high
school but I’m sure by late college. Well, I’d better get going.
Joel– So I-I guess this is it?
Sabrina– I guess. No wait! We have English class together.
Joel– Oh right! So I’ll see ya tomorrow.
Sabrina– Yeah, see ya.
She goes upstairs to change for her date as Hilda comes
through.
Hilda– What’s going on?
She walks up to the piano.
Hilda– (Cont.) Who are you?
Joel– I’m Joel.
He suddenly jumps back realising.
Joel– (Cont.) You can see me?
Hilda– Yes and you’re not wearing any pants.
Int. Westbridge High School Girls Locker Room. The next
day. Libby is unbuttoning her cardigan to get ready for
cheerleading practice as Joel sneaks round the corner behind
her. She senses a presence, turns and clutches her open top
about her.
Libby– Joel! What are you doing in here?
Joel– Oh! You can see me?
Libby– No, you’re invisible.
Joel– I am?
Libby– No! Get out or I’m telling coach Sapho.
Joel– Man! I thought for sure I’d got it right. I was Magic
Joel once and I will be again.
Libby– GET OUT!
Joel runs for it.
Libby– (To herself) I hate magic.
Int. Spellman kitchen. The phone rings and Zelda goes to
answer it.
Run credits.
Zelda– Hello? Oh hi Ethan… Oh well you’re welcome… Oh
well yes, well any time. I’d like that. What are you doing
now?… Oh you’re at home? You’re eating a can of tuna?
She stamps her foot.
Zelda– (Cont.) Salem! I can’t believe you tricked me! Ugh!
She slams the receiver into it’s cradle.
Int. Ethan’s living room. He’s on the phone.
Ethan– Zelda? Zelda? Ze…
He switches off his phone and shakes his head.
Ethan– (Cont.) What’s her problem?
And picks up his can of tuna…
Sweet & Sour Victory
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Sweet & Sour Victory
Written By – Sam O’Neal & Neal Boushell
Transcribed By – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Mr Pool – Paul Feig
Tai Wai Tse – Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa
Gustav – Robert Dorfman
Trophy – Vien Hong
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Westbridge High School Gym. Sabrina and Harvey play
Badminton, or at least they try.
Sabrina– Okay, here goes.
Sabrina throws up the shuttlecock and swishes the racket at
it and hits it straight down onto the floor. It seems this isn’t
the first as many shuttlecock’s litter the floor of the court or
are stuck in the net.
Sabrina– Oh not again!
Harvey– You’re getting better.
Sabrina– I stink
Harvey– Yeah, but you’re getting better. This time just try to
hit it a little higher, a little straighter and a little further.
She tosses up another shuttlecock and manages two swishes
at it before it falls untouched to the ground.
Harvey– (Cont.) Or any one of those.
Sabrina– It’s these stupid birdies, why won’t they fly?
She tosses up another and swings at it, again missing
completely but she does manage to get something over the
net. Her racket flies from her hand, clears the net and
catches Harvey in a spot he’s never going to be able to
return it from.
Harvey– Ooof!
Sabrina covers her mouth in shock.
Sabrina– Sorry!… Do I get any points for that?
Run opening credits.
Int. Westbridge High School Science class. The biology lesson
is coming to an end.
Mr. Pool– To review. Bone is composed primarily of what?
No one answers.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Come on, it’s written on the board behind
me.
Still no one answers.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) CALCIUM! I just told you kids five minutes
ago, don’t you listen?
The school bell rings and everyone jumps up and starts
getting their stuff together.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) That you heard. Okay, for homework
tonight read chapter fifteen and reread chapter fourteen, it’s
for your own good.
Sabrina passes him on her way out.
Sabrina– Mr. Pool, can I say something?
Mr. Pool– What is it Sabrina?
Sabrina– A bones hardness is derived mainly from calcium
phosphate and calcium carbonate with small amounts of
fluorides, sulphate’s and chlorides.
Mr. Pool– You listened to what I said, why didn’t you raise
your hand?
Sabrina– It’s never enough for you, is it?
She leaves.
Int. School hallway. As Sabrina comes out of the class
Harvey leaps from around the corner in a flying Kung Fu type
kick.
Harvey– Ooargh!
Sabrina– Your point?
Harvey– I just found out they’re offering Kung Fu as a PE
elective, isn’t that cool?
Sabrina– What about Badminton?
Harvey– Well Badminton won’t register these as lethal
weapons.
He slashes his hands through the air in a series of chops.
Sabrina– Well you said I should register my racket?
Harvey– Well you’ve gotta learn to hold on to that thing.
The come round the corner in front of the trophy case.
Sabrina– But it’s hard, I’m not a jock like you. I mean you
probably have a ton of these.
Harvey– Eighteen is not a ton, and besides it’s no big deal.
Trophies are just a symbol of superiority and greatness.
Sabrina– Oh and who’d want one of those? I think next
semester I’m going to take basket ball, that way I can get
some reading done on the bench.
Harvey– Actually I was hoping you’d take Kung Fu with me.
Sabrina– Really? That’d be fun.
She does a back spin and thumps Harvey squarely in the
chest.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Aiiiya!
Harvey– Ooof!
Sabrina– Sorry.
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda finishes a complicated piece
on the violin and stands to accept the applause, which would
be fine if there was anyone there to hear her.
Hilda– I think that deserves a round of applause.
Still silence from the non-audience but Hilda’s undeterred.
Hilda– (Cont.) I said!
She points the the room bursts into a rousing, standing
ovation as Hilda curtsies. Roses fly all around her as the
empty room calls for more. Zelda enters from the kitchen.
Zelda– Please Hilda, we’re on our last vase.
Hilda– But I’m rehearsing for the biggest audition of my
career, I need all the encouragement I can get.
Zelda tosses up the last three roses from the vase and lets
them fall to the ground.
Zelda– There. Now take a break, you’ve been practising that
same piece since Mozart wrote it.
Hilda– No one plays it better than Gustav Von Hagle, he’s
the one I have to beat.
Sabrina comes in the front door.
Sabrina– Hi aunties, I’m home.
Hilda and Zelda– (Together) Hi.
Sabrina– Wow, pretty roses and nice arrangement.
Hilda– They’re from my loyal but imaginary fans.
Zelda– Did you have fun in school?
Sabrina– Yeah, Harvey asked me to take Kung Fu with him.
Zelda– Isn’t that sweet.
Sabrina– I just hope I don’t maim him. Will one of you sign
my permission slip?
Hilda– (To Zelda) You do it, I have to protect my hands.
Int. Westbridge High School Gym. The mats are down and
the Kung Fu students sit round the edge cross legged. The
instructor goes through some warming up exercises and
kata’s with his back to them accompanied by oriental music.
the students look bored.
Sabrina– (To Harvey) What are we doing?
Harvey– I think this music is supposed to psych us up but
it’s not exactly ‘We will rock you.’
The instructor spins on to the mat facing the students in a
fighting stance as the music ends.
Mr. Pool– Whaaa! Good’ay students.
Sabrina– (To Harvey) Mr. Pool?!
Mr. Pool– I am you sifu and I will be teaching you PE. So if
you’ll all please rise to your feet.
The students stand.
Harvey– (To Sabrina) I can’t believe Mr. Pool knows Kung
Fu.
Sabrina– I can, think about how much he was probably beat
up as a kid.
Mr. Pool– Now we’ll begin out class with the customary bow
to show respect for your er sifu.
No one bothers.
Mr. Pool– ( Cont.) Come on, it’s tradition.
They make an half hearted gesture.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Now we’ll begin with some breathing
exercises designed to help you locate your chi, and no that’s
not something you left in your locker. ha ha. Er no, chi is
inner strength, so everybody breath in.
He holds his hand out before him vertically and draws it
towards him as he inhales.
Mr. Pool– (Cont) And out.
Harvey– (To Sabrina) Wow, this is easier than Badminton.
Sabrina glares up at him as she breathes in and out.
Harvey– (Cont.) Not that Badminton’s easy.
Later. the students are sat round the mat once more.
Mr. Pool– Okay, I’m going to need a er volunteer, so can I
see a show of hands?
He gets his usual response.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) No one?
Sabrina– Mr. Pool, I’ll give ageless wisdom a shot.
Mr. Pool– Thank you. Now er together we’re going to
demonstrate the philosaphy of the river and the rock. (To
Sabrina) Which do you wanna be?
Sabrina– The rock obviously. Nothing can move a rock.
Mr. Pool– Western thinking. Okay, Sabrina will be the rock,
I’ll be the river, we’ll see which one is stronger. We bow.
Sabrina and Mr. Pool bow to each other.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) And go.
He steps forward hooks his leg behind Sabrina’s and pushes
her forehead with his finger. She loses her balance and
topples over onto the mat.
Sabrina– You tripped me!
Mr. Pool– The river tripped you. The river always beats the
rock because the river has great inner strength.
Sabrina gets up and stands before him.
Sabrina– Oh maybe the rock has great inner strength too
but just didn’t have a chance to use it.
Mr. Pool– Huh, the rock is slow and heavy.
Sabrina– The rivers all wet. The rock wants a rematch.
Mr. Pool– The river’s game.
Harvey– (To the student beside him) What are they talking
about?
The student shrugs as the rock and the river square off and
bow once more.
Mr. Pool– We bow.
As they do Sabrina uses it to disguise the little pointing
magic thing she does to herself.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) and go.
Again Mr. Pool steps forward intending to trip Sabrina but
this time she ducks under his arm and ends up behind him.
Mr. Pool– A-ha, very smart. You see…
He comes forward again with his arm extended, so she grabs
it and flips him over in a somersault onto his back
The students are impressed and applaud.
Sabrina– The rock wins.
Mr. Pool– And er that’s the proper way to fall.
He gets back up.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) All right, two out of three.
Sabrina– You’ve got it.
They bow to one another once more but this time Mr. Pool
uses a different tactic. He does a high kick that comes no
where near Sabrina, lands and moves smoothly into a
fighting stance. Sabrina responds with a short series of
somersaults and cartwheels and returns the same way to
face her opponent. Mr. Pool gulps.
Harvey– I didn’t know Sabrina could do that!
The rock and river circle looking for the opening and Mr. Pool
thinks he sees her weakness. He moves in with a straight
fingers jab to her face, she leans aside and lets it passed. He
tries a variety of punches and jabs but Sabrina’s quick
reflexes don’t let him come near to connecting. He kicks, but
again she’s not where she had been and then it’s Sabrina’s
turn. A blistering series of left and rights to the stomach
drives the wind from Mr. Pool and he collapses to his hands
and knees. She cartwheels over him and he springs up to
fight some more. She catches him hard in the shoulder,
spinning him round with a roundhouse kick, he tumbles once
more to the mat and Sabrina leaps high and comes down
with a chopping blow to his throat that she pulls at the last
second to stand victorious over him.
Mr. Pool– No maz! no maz!
Harvey– Yeah!
He high fives the student beside him as they all applaud
Sabrina.
Int. Spellman Living room. The doorbell rings and Hilda goes
to answer it but she has a problem. Fortunately Sabrina
comes through from the kitchen carrying Salem.
Hilda– Open the door Sabrina, my hands.
Sabrina recognises the silhouette behind the glass.
Sabrina– It’s Mr. Pool! Duck!
She pulls Hilda down as Mr. Pool puts his face to the frosted
glass to look in.
Later. Mr. Pool’s been let in and sits with Hilda and Zelda on
the settee.
Mr. Pool– You see the reason I’m here is. Well today in Kung
Fu, um…
Sabrina– (Interrupting) Actually I think it’s better if you hear
this from me. Today in Kung Fu I kicked Mr. Pool’s butt.
Zelda– Sabrina, you didn’t!
Mr. Pool– I’ve never seen such natural gifts, which is why
I’m here. er Sabrina, are you at all interested in glory?
Sabrina– Mm I could go for some glory.
Mr. Pool– There’s a Kung Fu competition in Boston next
week and I think you have the potential to make some waves
in the river.
Zelda– Aren’t we getting a little ahead of ourselves? She’s
had one class in a public school, she can’t be ready for
competition.
Sabrina– But I am, I can prove it. Wanna see me flip Mr.
Pool again?
Hilda– Yes.
Mr. Pool– Er no, that won’t be necessary. So can she go?
Zelda– Well, it’s up to her.
Sabrina– Okay.
Mr. Pool– Great. I’ll just file the necessary paperwork then
swing by my HMO for a quick CAT scan to make sure this
ringing in my ears is no big deal.
Sabrina sees him to the door.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Er see you tomorrow. Hopefully without all
these spots.
Sabrina– See ya.
He Leaves.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Whoo-hoo! I think I’ve found my sport!
Yes! I’m a jock!
She runs up the stairs and makes it all the way to the second
step before tripping and falling flat on her face.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Pretend you didn’t see that.
She carries on up the stairs at a more sedate pace.
Hilda– She seems happy.
Zelda– All a little too easy, I smell a rat.
Salem pricks up his ears.
Salem– Ooh a Rat! Oh wait, I had Rat for lunch.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina stands in front of her full
length mirror shadow Kung Fuing but somehow it doesn’t
look right. She points at herself creating a black Kung Fu
outfit with a white sash belt.
Sabrina– Cute.
She does a few more punches.
Sabrina– (Cont.) And deadly.
There’s a knock at her door. She back flips to the door and
opens it for Zelda, Hilda and Salem.
Sabrina– (Cont.) You knocked?
Zelda– Can we come in?
Sabrina– All door are open on the path to enlightenment.
Hilda– I’ll take that as a yes.
She bows and lets them in, then carries on kicking and
punching imaginary opponents.
Zelda– Sabrina we have a question, Mr. Pool spoke of your
natural gifts and we were wondering are they truly natural or
supernatural?
Sabrina– You mean did I use my magic?
Hilda– Bare in mind. We’re not accusing, we’re just asking.
Sabrina– Well I did.
Hilda– How could you!
Zelda– What were you thinking?
Sabrina– I thought you wanted me to use my magic more?
Zelda– We do but not when you compete against mortal’s,
then your magic gives you an unfair advantage.
Hilda– That’s why I’ve been practicing so hard. I wanna win
first chair not because I’m a witch but because I have talent.
Sabrina– But I don’t have talent in fact I stink at sports.
Zelda– Well have you tried something easy like Badminton?
Sabrina glares at her.
Sabrina– Look, are you saying I can’t do this?
Zelda– We’re saying let you conscience be your guide.
Hilda– Use your moral compass, or you can borrow mine.
She holds out her hands and a large barometer materialises
with just two readings on it. ‘Right’ and ‘Wrong’
Hilda– Here try it.
She hands the compass to Sabrina who stands holding it. The
arrow points up to ‘Right’ She smiles and shrugs and as she
does the arrow drops to point to ‘Wrong’
Sabrina– How accurate is this?
Zelda– We’ll leave you alone to think about that.
They head for the door with Hilda leading, she stops and
turns lifting her hands.
Hilda– Zelda, the door.
Zelda– Oh stop it. I saw you cracking walnuts earlier.
They leave Sabrina with Salem.
Sabrina– Let your conscience be your guide. I hate when
they say that, now I have no idea what to do.
Salem– You should consider the pros and cons.
Sabrina– Okay. I use my magic, I win, without it, I lose.
Win, lose. Win, lose. I’m going with win!
Int. The North Eastern Regional Kung Fu Championships. A
contestant uses a high flying side kick to flatten his
opponent, another flips his over his shoulder. Sabrina stands
behind the trophy table with Mr. Pool watching and looking a
little concerned.
Sabrina– Wow! Some of these guys are really big.
Mr. Pool– Yeah, I wish we had trained more. Y’know beyond
the breathing exercises.
Sabrina– I’ll be fine Mr. Pool. Don’t forget, I have my inner
strength.
Mr. Pool– And don’t forget. I have a permission slip signed
by your legal guardian-n-n-ns!
He’s just seen an oriental bloke doing some exercises on the
mat. Sabrina looks also.
Sabrina– I know him, that’s the bad guy from the movie
‘Dragon Killer’
And he looks like a bad guy too. He moves like he knows
precisely what every muscle and tendon in his body is doing
at every second. He looks lethal.
Mr. Pool– His name is Tai Wai Tse and he’s a great fighter
with a colossal chi.
Sabrina– Last time I saw him he was impaled on pungee
sticks, he looks good. Will I be doing combat with him?
Mr. Pool– Only if you win all three of your matches. So let’s
just focus and concentrate on your first opponent.
Sabrina– Right, focus and concentrate.
She starts doing her breathing exercises and with each
breath she swings and arm up round and down, alternating
with her eyes closed and speaking under her breath between
breaths.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Focus and concentrate. Focus and
concentrate.
Harvey– Oof!
He’d come up just at the wrong time and got whacked in the
stomach breaking Sabrina’s focus and concentration.
Sabrina– Oh Harvey you made it.
Harvey– I couldn’t miss your big match. I mean it’s amazing
all the progress you’ve made in the past… two days.
Sabrina– Oh well er Mr. Pool’s a great teacher.
Harvey– Well listen. There’s something I want to say to you
that, it’s something I always wish my dad would say to me
before a game. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, you’re
still a winner to me.
Sabrina– Thanks.
A gong is struck to mark the commencement of the
competition.
Sabrina– Now excuse me Harvey, I’ve gotta go kick some
butt.
Sabrina’s bout one. It’s against a girl not much taller than
she is. The referee stands with his hand between them as
they bow. Sabrina uses her magic on herself. The Referee
signals the start and Sabrina does a squatting roundhouse to
take her opponents legs from under her. It’s over in two
seconds.
Tai Wai Tse’s bout one. His is over just as quick as his
opponent tries to punch him he leans aside, grabs his arm,
and flips him onto his back.
Sabrina’s bout two. He’s a good two foot taller than Sabrina
and three times as broad. He circles her with an evil grin and
the lights gleam of his shaved head with a topknot hanging
down his back. He winds up to knock her head off with a
single hit but she uses Tai Wai Tse’s trick to floor the big
man.
Tai Wai Tse’s bout two. is over so quick you can’t even see it.
Sabrina’s Bout three. She hurls her opponents bodily into the
wall and she’s through to the final where she has to meet Tai
Wai Tse.
Later. Tai Wai Tse is admiring the championship trophy as
Sabrina comes up behind him.
Sabrina– So Tiger Balm, you killed my Brother, you killed
my father and now you’ve come for me, but you will not
succeed.
Tai Wai Tse– What are you talking about?
Sabrina– That’s what the guy said at the end of ‘Dragon
Killer’ Y’know right before he tossed you on the pungee
sticks?
Tai Wai Tse– Oh yeah, pungee sticks, that was fun. Are you
ready to get this over with?
Sabrina– Aren’t we supposed to spar verbally first?
Tai Wai Tse– Only in the movies. Now it is time for me to
defeat you.
Sabrina– You can try but you will not succeed.
Tai Wai Tse back flips away from her onto the mat,
grandstanding for the audience. Sabrina, not to be outdone,
does a clever tumbling routine and lands sitting on Mr. Pool’s
knee.
Sabrina– If the vendor comes by, order me an I.C.
They both come out onto the mat and stand facing each
other. The referee gives the signal and they bow, with
another signal they’re off. Tai Wai Tse tries the squatting
roundhouse but Sabrina back flips away and has to quickly
duck under a jumping roundhouse, she does a barrel roll
under his next attack and a half reverse one onto her
shoulders before springing back to her feet. She spins and
somersaults into an attack of her own kicking high then low
but he’s equal to them. She punches but her grabs her wrist
and tries to pull her off balance but her strength his a match
for his and he’s nearly pulled over. She grabs his wrist with
her free hand and swings him, his legs go into the air but as
he lands he uses his momentum to swing her in the same
way. He’s slightly off balance as she lands and one mighty
swing sends him careering off the mat and out through the
doors. Sabrina lets off the built up adrenalin in an
uncontrolled scream of victory. Mr. pool runs over and raises
Sabrina’s arm.
Mr. Pool– The winner is Sabrina!
Harvey– Way to go! (To the crowd around him) I eat lunch
with her!
She’s quickly presented with the championship trophy.
Sabrina– Oh a trophy!
She hugs it to herself, excited..
Sabrina– I have a trophy. Is this real gold?
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The trophy sits on her desk, made of
two blue pillars with another blue pillar on top. Standing on
that is a little gold man high kicking in a Kung Fu pose.
Sabrina is ready for bed in her nightie sits sideways in her
armchair so her face is next to the trophy and takes a
polaroid of herself with her trophy.
Sabrina– It’s such a great trophy Salem. Look it says first
and it’s got that little gold guy on top. It really is the best
trophy and look.
She stands up and puts the trophy on the floor beside her.
Sabrina– (Cont.) It comes up past my knee, and you know
what else occurs to me?
Salem– Is it about the trophy?
Sabrina– I just realised I can retire now because I’m not
greedy. I just wanted one trophy and now I’ve got one.
Salem– Oh. I’m glad it all worked out, now go to sleep.
Sabrina– Okay. Trophy, trophy, trophy. I’m done.
She gets into bed and turns off the lights and just as she
settles down she hears something.
Sabrina– What?
She hears it again and sits up turning the light back on.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Salem, what did you say?
Salem– I didn’t say anything. It came from over there.
Sabrina– Over where?
Salem– By your trophy.
Sabrina gets up and walks over to the trophy.
Sabrina– My trophy?
The little gold man on top puts down is leg and looks Sabrina
squarely in the eyes.
Trophy– Cheater!
Sabrina– My Trophy! Did you say something?
The little man blows a raspberry.
Trophy– Cheater!
Sabrina– What is this about?
Trophy– You didn’t deserve to win me, you used magic.
You’re a cheater.
Salem– Hey lay off you gold plated mantle warmer.
Trophy– Don’t start with me tabby, I’ll take you out with a
single blow.
Salem– I’ll mess you up!
Trophy– You’re going down!
Sabrina– Stop it both of you. (To the trophy) Now can we
discus this in the morning?
Trophy– Sure we can discuss this in the morning, but I’m
not going to shut up tonight. Cheater! Cheater!
Sabrina angrily grabs the trophy and storms out of her
bedroom.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina comes down stairs in her
nightie with the trophy.
Trophy– Cheater! Cheater! Cheater!
Sabrina– Shh! you’ll wake up my aunts.
Trophy– (Whispering) They’re asleep?
Sabrina– Yes.
Trophy– (Yelling) CHEATER! CHEATER!
Sabrina– You leave me with no alternative.
She turns on the tap and sticks the little gold man under it.
Trophy– Cheater! Cheater! (Gargling) Cheater! Cheater!
Sabrina– Oh, now you’re making me mad!
She starts whacking the trophy against the side of the
counter.
Trophy– Aw! Aw! Aw! Aw!
The yelling and banging have woke Sabrina’s aunts and they
come down together.
Zelda– What’s all the noise?
Hilda– Everything okay?
Sabrina– No! My trophy won’t shut up.
Hilda– Well just tell it to… Huh?
Sabrina– It keeps calling me names. I don’t know what’s
happening.
Zelda– I take it you decided to compete in Kung Fu?
Trophy– Yeah and she won. Cheater!
Zelda– That explains it. The trophy is speaking your guilty
conscience.
Sabrina– You told me to decide for myself and I did.
Trophy– And you decided wrong.
Sabrina– How do I get it to stop yapping?
Hilda– Well you could put a teeny weeny sock in his mouth,
or you could clear your conscience.
Sabrina– I have a better idea.
She takes the trophy over to the freezer and sticks it inside.
She then turns and heads for the stairs as her aunts watch
her without a word. Even without that word Sabrina feels the
need to answer their unspoken question.
Sabrina– (Cont.) What? That’s where I was planning to keep
it.
Int. Westbridge High School. Science class. Sabrina’s a little
late getting in and Mr. Pool spots her.
Mr. Pool– Here’s our champion huh!
The class applaud Sabrina to her bench
Harvey– Sabrina, I bow to your greatness.
Sabrina– Please, don’t.
Harvey– No you deserve it. Not many people could compete
the way you did.
Sabrina– That’s true.
Mr. Pool– So, where’s your trophy?
Sabrina– At home in the freezer… with er all our other
valuables.
Harvey– Don’t you wanna show it off in the trophy case?
Sabrina– No. It’s really not that great a trophy.
Mr. Pool– are you kidding, it comes up to your knee?
Besides, that trophy says you’re the best.
Sabrina– Well that may be what it says to you but it’s not
what it says to me.
Int. Audition room. Hilda puts rosin on her violin bow as
Gustav enters.
Gustav– Hilda.
Hilda– Gustav.
Gustav– How nice to see you. What are you doing here?
Hilda– Auditioning for first chair same as you.
Gustav– No, not same as me. You never play same as me.
He opens his violin case and takes out his instrument as
Hilda glares at him.
Gustav– (Cont.) Hello Stradi.
Hilda– You have a Stradivarius?
Gustav– Yes, that other job I beat you out for payed me well
enough to buy it… and a case.
Hilda– Well you’re not going to beat me this time.
He stands with the violin under his chin and leans against the
door frame.
Gustav– Oh no? I think I vill, I think you are fine for
veddings, Bah Mitzvahs…
Hilda twirls her finger and the door swings too. It’s about to
trap his bowing hand in the door but at the last second she
stops it.
Gustav– (Cont.) Hoe-downs but being first chair requires
skill, talent, me.
Hilda– You know, I’ve got my fans too and they think this is
my year.
Gustav– Give it up. There’s nothing you can do.
He bends down to take his bow from the case.
Hilda– Oh yes there is.
She points and a blacksmiths anvil blips into existence
directly above his head. She hold’s it there with her power.
Gustav– What, you going to cry like a little baby? boo-hoo,
chose me!
Hilda struggles to hold the great weight and in the end
decides not to crush his head like a mellon. The anvil
vanishes.
Hilda– No I’m not going to cry. I’m going to go in there and
play like I’ve never played before.
She takes her violin as the hopeful before her comes out and
heads for the door.
Gustav– That would be a excellent idea.
She turns as he sits in a chair with his back to her. She’s
tempted to use magic to take him out of the running but
instead just ruffles his hair before she goes in to audition.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. It may be mid-day but the sky outside
is as black as night. The Westbridge weather center had
forecast sunny spells with the occasional light shower, so the
raging thunder storm that swept in fifteen minutes ago has
the forecasters reaching for the Mogadon. Another crash of
thunder shakes the town as Hilda storms in waving her hand
at the sky with a face like thunder. She gets halfway across
the kitchen when she lets off another blast. Lightning
illuminates Westbridge.
Zelda– I take it the audition didn’t go well.
Hilda– Gustav got first, I got second.
Zelda– I’m so sorry. Should I notify the weather service?
Hilda– No.
Hilda waves her hand again releasing another rolling crash of
thunder and suddenly the dark clouds begin to dispers,
allowing the sun to break through once more.
Hilda– (Cont.) There, now it’s out of my system.
Sabrina enters from school.
Sabrina– Hi guys.
Hilda– Hi.
Zelda– Hey.
Sabrina– You’ll be happy to know I’m ready to do the right
thing.
Zelda– Oh Sabrina that’s great.
Hilda– I did the right thing.
Sabrina– Oh yeah, your audition. How did it go?
Hilda– Yeah, I did the right thing.
Sabrina– So did you get first chair?
Hilda– No, I got second chair but I tried my hardest, and
second chair is even better than first chair when you think
about it over and over until words lose all meaning.
Sabrina– You can drop it aunt Hilda, I’ve already decided to
give back the trophy.
She goes to the freezer and takes the trophy out.
Trophy– Ch-ch-ch-cheater-r-r! Ch-ch-ch-cheat-ter-r!-!
Sabrina– Okay, I was going to run you under the hot water
but now you get nothing.
Int. Tai Wai Tse’s office. He sits at his desk opposite his own
impressive trophy cabinet on the phone to his agent.
Tai Wai Tse– I’m tired of playing the ninja assassin… I know
Marty, look I just want to play the dad on a phone
commercial.
There’s a knock at his door.
Tai Wai Tse– Yeah, work on it. Look, I gotta go. Someone’s
at the door. love you, chow.
He puts the phone down and answers the door. He sees who
it is and turns embarrassed.
Sabrina– Hi Tai. You er probably don’t remember me.
Tai Wai Tse– Yeah like so many little blonde girls kick my
butt that I can’t keep them straight. You’re Sabrina right?
Sabrina– Yeah. I-I came to bring you this.
She gives him the trophy.
Sabrina– (Cont) I think you should have it.
Tai Wai Tse– What? You won it; you keep it.
He gives it back.
Sabrina– You keep it. It’ll be happier here. Look.
She puts the trophy in his cabinet with all the others.
Sabrina– (Cont.) See? Surrounded by his little friends okay.
Gotta go.
She almost gets out the door.
Tai Wai Tse– Oh wait, wait! I can’t keep this trophy, even
though it comes past my knee. I haven’t earned it. It’d be
meaningless.
Sabrina– It’s more annoying than meaningless.
Tai Wai Tse– I could only accept it if I won it honourably in
a rematch.
Sabrina– You mean I’d have to fight you again? But we
already did that. Okay, how about this. We play foozball?
Tai Wai Tse– There is no honour in foosball.
Int. Westbridge High School, Science class. Mr. Pool sits with
his feet up marking test papers.
Mr. Pool– Wrong. Wrong.
Sabrina enters.
Sabrina– Mr. Pool, can we talk?
Mr. Pool– Oh, of course my little dragon killer, killer.
Sabrina– I thought you should know I agreed to a rematch
with Tai Wai Tse.
Mr. Pool– That’s fantastic, I’m thrilled. Although all future
booking’s should go through me.
Sabrina– It won’t happen again. Now here’s the thing. I
need you to train me.
Mr. Pool– Oh sure, we’ll do our usual breathing exercises.
Sabrina– No, I mean really train me. Like teach me to fight.
Mr. Pool– But you know how to fight.
Sabrina– I forgot.
Ext. Westbridge Central Park. Mr. Pool takes Sabrina through
basic kata’s, smooth, flowing movements, like a dance. They
bow and fight, High kicks, roundhouses and punches.
Mr. pool holds the block of wood and Sabrina tries to break
it, unsuccessfully.
More training follows on the streets and there’s another failed
attempt to smash the piece of wood resulting in a bruised
hand.
Mr. Pool wears padded gloves, Sabrina punches his hands
and the training continues until the piece of wood shatters.
Sabrina has found her chi.
Int. The North Eastern Regional Kung Fu Championship
Rematch. The gong is struck and Sabrina nervously paces.
Sabrina– I lost my chi! Where’s my chi? Have you seen it?
Mr. Pool– Sabrina look, it’s right there inside you. Now
you’ve got the stuff. I don’t know what made you lose your
confidence but I suggest you get it back really soon.
Sabrina– Okay you’re right. I just need to focus and
concentrate.
She starts her breathing exercises doing blocks between each
breath.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Focus and concentrate. Focus and
concentrate.
Harvey– Ooof!
He got whacked in the stomach again and gaspes for breath.
Sabrina– Oh! Sorry.
Harvey– Good luck.
He goes to find a seat as Tai Wai Tse enters in an all white
outfit and stares menacingly at Sabrina.
Sabrina– (To Mr. Pool) There’s Tai Wai Tse. Does he look
flabbier to you?
Mr. Pool– Not really.
The gong is struck again and its time to fight.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Go get him Sabrina.
She moves onto the mat and stands before Tai Wai Tse.
Tai Wai Tse– So Sabrina, we meet again.
Sabrina– Yeah, hi! Nice shirt.
Tai Wai Tse growls and rips both sleeves off his shirt
revealing powerful, lean muscles.
Sabrina– O-kay!
The referee steps forward and signals them to bow, they do
and Sabrina’s tempted to use her magic but grits her teeth
and refrains. The referee signals the start of the bout and Tai
Wai Tse immediately back flips away with a twist and springs
back again into a fighting stance. Sabrina runs to the other
side of the mat and does a forward roll followed by a
sideways roll ending up at Tai Wai Tse’s feet. It’s not very
impressive but she gamely climbs to her feet and thumps
him repeatedly in his stomach. After a short while she
realises she is making no impact and stops.
Sabrina– Okay I guess upper body isn’t my strength, lets go
for legs.
Tai Wai Tse puts his hands on his hips as Sabrina walks away
once more to give herself room for a flying scissor kick. She
runs in, leaps and drops short at his feet again. She gets to
her hands and knees and crawls away a little before waving
him over.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Can you come over here? I have to ask
you a question.
Tai Wai Tse– No way. It’s a trick, you’ll pull me down.
Sabrina– No I won’t. I just want to ask if there’s an
honourable way to beg for mercy?
Tai Wai Tse– It’s not time for mercy yet.
He takes her arm and pulls her back to her feet and she
swings her mightiest punch at him. He effortlessly catches
her small fist in his large one and trips her as Mr. Pool did on
their first lesson, she falls on her butt.
Sabrina– How about now?
Sabrina gets to her knees as Tai Wai Tse steps behind her
and raises his fist for the killing blow.
Tai Wai Tse– You approached this match with honour,
Sabrina. Now close your eye’s and we’ll end it that way.
Sabrina closes her eyes and waits for the fist to fall. He
draws it back, the crowd shrink away in horror, Harvey can’t
look, Mr. Pool sucks his knuckles. Tai Wai Tse pats Sabrina
on her head with his other hand.
Tai Wai Tse– The UNEI trophy’s mine.
And walks away. Mr. Pool rushes over to his fallen champion.
Mr. Pool– Sabrina are you okay?
Sabrina– I think I bruised my chi, but my conscience is
clear. Excuse me, there’s something I have to do.
She gets up and walks over to the trophy.
Sabrina– So I guess this is it. I’m giving you to your rightful
owner. I’m not a cheater anymore.
Trophy– I know. (Raspberry) Loser!
Sabrina– I’m not going to miss you one bit.
Int. Spellman kitchen Sabrina enters.
Sabrina– Hey aunt Zelda, look.
She lifts up the moral compass and it’s firmly pointing to
‘Right’
Zelda– Oh you did the right thing. How do you feel?
Sabrina– Sore but good. Where’s aunt Hilda? I wanna tell
her the news.
Zelda– She’s at the symphony. It’s her first night playing
second chair.
Sabrina– I wish she had beaten that guy.
Zelda– Me to, but what can you do?
Int. Boston Symphony Hall. Hilda sits next to Gustav on the
stage as the conductor taps his baton. Gustav looks smugly
across to Hilda and raises his finger signalling who’s number
one. Hilda’s had enough of him and with a point and a puff of
smoke that nobody seems to notice he’s gone. Hilda calmly
slides across into the first chair as the other violinist all move
up one. With a wave of the baton Hilda leads the orchestra
into Mozart.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s doing her homework at her
desk and there’s a knock at the door. Her aunts enter.
Run credits.
Zelda– Can we come it?
Sabrina– Sure.
Hilda– We’ve got something for you.
She pulled a small gold cup from behind her back and hands
it to Sabrina.
Sabrina– Is that a trophy?
Zelda– A-ha!
Hilda– And it comes up to your ankle.
Sabrina– (Reading) ‘world’s greatest niece’ Oh that’s so
nice.
She jumps up and hugs her aunts
Zelda– Well you earned it.
Hilda– Fair and square. Hey! What’s that around your neck?
Sabrina– Nothing!
Hilda pulls on the red, white and blue ribbon to reveal the
medal on the end.
Hilda– It’s a gold medal isn’t it?
Zelda– Where did you get that?
Sabrina– Kerry Strugg gave it to me? Homework time!
A Girl And Her Cat
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
A Girl And Her Cat
Written By – Frank Conniff
Transcribed By – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Coolio – Coolio
Monty – Dana Gould
Rex – Seth Adkins
Joe – Joe O’Connor
Mary – Karla DeVito
Pizza Manager – Dave ‘Gruber’ Allen
Lulu – Kerry Norton
Newt – Billy West
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. The phone rings and Hilda dashes to
answer it.
Hilda– Hello? Cousin Monty, how nice to hear from you.
Here’s Zelda.
She forces the receiver into Zelda’s hands and steps back.
Zelda– Hi Monty. Yes we’ll be home for Christmas eve, why?
Hilda stands waving her hands and frantically mouthing the
word ‘no’ over and over.
Zelda– (Cont.) You’re kidding? Well I was sure you’d have
other plans.
Hilda conjures a set of prompt boards into her hands and
starts running through them. Each one contains just one
word ‘NO’
Zelda– (Cont.) Of course you’re always welcome. We’ll
spend the holidays together.
Hilda tries again, conjuring a traffic signal in the kitchen, it’s
red stop light flashing.
Zelda– (Cont.) No trouble, we’ll see you tomorrow at seven
then.
Zelda hangs up.
Hilda– Ugh! You invited Cousin Monty, how could you?
Zelda– He’s family and he shouldn’t be alone for the
holidays.
Hilda– But he’s so annoying.
Zelda– Well you should have said something.
Zelda walks off into the dining room. Hilda looks to the
heavens.
Run opening credits.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Zelda has a sinister bubbling brew
going in the cauldron. Hilda comes down the stairs and
smells the concoction.
Hilda– Ooh, a hot mulled cider!
Zelda– Want some?
Hilda– Let me mull it over.
Zelda scoops a mug full from the cauldron and hands it to
her sister.
Zelda– Every Christmas that gets a little less funny.
Salem– I’ll take some more egg nog and this time don’t
skimp on the Christmas cheer.
Zelda– Oh, no liquor for you Salem. Your little kitty liver
can’t handle it.
Salem– Gimme a break. You know I always get depressed
this time of year.
Hilda– Why?
Salem– Well for one thing, I’M A CAT!
Hilda– Come on, just try and have a little Christmas spirit.
Salem– Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-fah.
Zelda– Now that’s enough. You don’t have to enjoy the
Christmas season but you will not ruin it for the rest of us.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s full of the joys of the
season as she stands in front of her full length mirror and
tries on her favourite Christmas sweater. It’s knit with a
snowdrops and reindeer pattern.
Sabrina– (Singing) Deck the halls with bows of holly.
She twists round to see how it fits across her back and sees
her red polo neck showing through the torn rents in her
sweater.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Stupid cat!
She storms angrily out of her room.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina storms angrily down the
stairs.
Sabrina– Salem, were you in my closet again?
Salem– Yeah, so?
Sabrina– You ruined my favourite Christmas sweater!
She turns to show him.
Salem– Yeah, so?
Sabrina– It meant a lot to me.
Salem– Then you shouldn’t have hidden your diary under it.
Sabrina– You were reading my diary again!
Salem– Yes and it’s duller than dish water…
Sabrina– I’ve told you a thousands times…
Salem– …When I was a teenager we…
Sabrina– …stay out of my stuff…
Zelda– Stop it you two. It’s Christmas eve and I don’t want
anymore arguing. Salem, you owe Sabrina an apology.
Sabrina stands with her arms crossed waiting as do her
aunts. Nothing’s forthcoming.
Zelda– (Cont.) Now!
Salem– I’m thinking of how to word it.
Hilda– Try ‘I’m sorry’
Salem– Somehow that just doesn’t feel right.
Sabrina– Forget it, I don’t have time for this. I’ve gotta
meet Harvey at The Slicery but now I’ve gotta change thanks
to you.
Salem– Er, since you thanked me, can I ask a favour?
Sabrina– Excuse me cat? You want a favour?
Salem– Yeah. Can I tag along to The Slicery? I’ve got a
touch of cabin fever and I’d really like to….
Sabrina– (Interrupting) Are you insane? I wouldn’t bring you
to The Slicery if you were the last person slash cat on Earth.
She storms off angrily up the stairs.
Salem– Man, what’s her problem?
Hilda– You are so self centred, even for a cat.
Zelda– How about we leave you alone to think about what
you’ve done and when Sabrina comes back down stairs I
suggest you apologise.
Hilda– Say you’re sorry.
They leave Salem alone.
Salem– (To himself) Hmm, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I
didn’t think of this sooner.
He stands and jumps from the counter and in a single cat like
spring leaps onto the table where Sabrina’s nap sack lies
open. He nudges the flap aside and slips in just as Sabrina
comes back down having changed her sweater for a pink
one. She reaches the table and remembers she’s left
something upstairs.
Sabrina– Oh, Harvey’s gift.
One of the advantages of being a witch is that it can save on
shoe leather. With a point at the table to present comes to
her and materialises beside her bag. She pops the gift inside,
grabs the bag and her coat and leaves to meet Harvey.
Int. The Slicery. Harvey sits alone at a table thumbing
through a magazine as Sabrina comes in and joins him.
Sabrina– Hi, sorry I’m late.
Harvey– Oh that’s okay. It’s good for me to read ‘Sports
Illustrated’ Now I’ll have something to talk about with my
dad during church. Anyway here, this is for you.
He hands over a black jewellery box.
Sabrina– Thanks Harvey. It was so sweet of you…
Harvey– (Interrupting) Open it!… Please, I’m kinda nervous.
Sabrina– About what?
Harvey– About whether you’ll like it or not.
Sabrina opens the case and a smile lights up her face.
Sabrina– I love it! It’s beautiful, a silver necklace.
Harvey– Technically it’s a choker…. I just learned that.
Sabrina– Help me put it on?
Harvey jumps up and fastens the chokers clasp at the back of
her neck.
Harvey– I hope it’s the right size, my sister helped me pick
it out and she’s got a neck like a linebacker.
Sabrina– Your Dad must be really proud.
Harvey– It looks pretty.
Sabrina– Okay, I’ve got something for you.
She reaches into her nap sack and sees her neatly wrapped
gift has been shredded. She lifts it out hoping that it’s just
the paper that’s like that.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Salem! How did he get to this? My cat
ruins everything.
Harvey– Hey, no big deal, I was going to rip it open anyway.
Sabrina– Here.
She hands him the package and he finishes what Salem
started.
Harvey– Wow! A scarf, it’s great.
Sabrina– I made it myself.
Harvey– You knit?
Sabrina– …I made it myself.
He wraps it round his neck.
Harvey– It fits.
Sabrina– Hey look, we both got each other neck stuff.
Pizza Manager– Number seventeen, your pizza’s ready.
Harvey– That’s us. I ordered the Christmas pizza.
Sabrina– With the red and green peppers?
Harvey– Yep.
As Harvey and Sabrina go to pick up the pizza a little black
head pokes out of the top of Sabrina’s nap sack and looks
around.
Salem– (To himself) So this is The Slicery. Man, what a
dump.
At the counter Harvey pays for the pizza and spots
something hanging from the ceiling.
Harvey– Hey look, parsley.
Sabrina– I think it’s mistletoe.
Harvey– Mistletoe?
Sabrina looks up at him smiling hopefully as he looks down a
little nervously.
Pizza Manager– Yeah, go ahead, give her a Christmas kiss.
I bet she’d like that. (To Sabrina) Wouldn’t you?
Sabrina’s smile widens and she nods her head yes.
Harvey– Okay.
They stand beneath the sprig and move slowly towards the
kiss while at the table Salem’s eye light up over something
else.
Salem– Is that what I think it is?
A mouse nibbles at a piece of pizza crust before scuttling off
along the wall. Mouse pizza sounds just the job to Salem and
he’s out of the bag in a shot and off after the fleeing rodent.
Pizza Manager– What was that?
Sabrina’s kiss is prematurely interrupted by the commotion
and she turns away to see.
Sabrina– Salem! I can’t believe this.
She chases after Salem as the Pizza Manager jumps over the
counter.
Pizza Manager– Who let a cat in here?
Harvey– Sabrina, isn’t that yours?
Sabrina catches her naughty cat.
Sabrina– He must have crawled into my bag.
Pizza Manager– Oh this cat belongs to you? We don’t allow
animals in here.
Sabrina– You let a mouse in.
Pizza Manager– Er oh there’s no mouse. (Loudly) I saw no
mouse! Now get that dirty cat out of here.
Sabrina heads for the door.
Pizza Manager– (Cont.) No, not through the front door, cats
are a health hazard. Take him through the kitchen.
He leads Sabrina through the kitchen where it’s a lot
healthier to have a cat and out the back.
Ext. The alley at the rear of The Slicery. The Pizza Manager
pushes Sabrina out of the back door and points at her.
Pizza Manager– And don’t come back!
He closes the door leaving Sabrina and Salem alone in the
alley.
Salem– Who’d want to? Dirty cat! I was the cleanest thing in
the whole place.
Sabrina– You are in so much trouble. I have never been so
mad at you in my entire life!
She tosses Salem down onto the ground and he immediately
springs up onto a waste bin and then into an open dumpster
full of garbage and pizza crust.
Salem– What’s the big deal? There was a mouse, I chased it.
End of story.
Sabrina– Not end of story. You got me kicked out of The
Slicery, the one place I had a little privacy.
Salem– Don’t talk to me about privacy! I’m the one who has
to relieve himself in a box in the middle of the kitchen. D’you
know how hard it is to get that far away stare going?
Sabrina– Oh, like anyone’s watching.
Harvey– (OS) Hey Sabrina, are you back there?
Sabrina– (To Salem) Harvey’s coming, now be quiet.
Salem– Oh me-ow.
Sabrina– I mean it.
Harvey comes round the corner of the alley past the many
flyers stuck to the wall carrying Sabrina’s coat and bag with a
pizza box in his other hand.
Harvey– I got the pizza to go. Are you okay?
He helps her put her coat on.
Sabrina– No, I’m getting attitude from my cat. Sometimes I
wish I could just…
She makes a strangling gesture with her hands.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Urgh! Him.
Harvey– Oh come on, cut him some slack. After all his
brains only the size of a walnut.
Salem– Meow!
Sabrina– That’s an excellent point Harvey. Some time I
forget he’s just a stupid cat. (To Salem) A stupid, stupid,
stupid cat. (To Harvey) I feel better.
Harvey– Good. Come on, I’ll walk you home.
Sabrina– Okay. Just give me a sec.
Harvey nods and moves away down the alley as Sabrina
turns to her stupid but angry cat and hold her bag open.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Salem, get in the bag.
Salem– No.
Sabrina– Get in the bag!
Salem– Get lost biped. I don’t need you to get home.
Sabrina– Fine. Stay in the trash for all I care.
She walks away and catches up with Harvey who’s waiting a
little way down the alley.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Let’s go.
Harvey– You know that’s cute, talking to your cat.
Sabrina– Yeah, if only I could get him to listen.
Int. Spellman dining room. The door bursts open and Hilda
enters in a hurry.
Hilda– No! No! You can’t make me.
She is followed closely by Zelda.
Zelda– We agreed, you promised you would do the cooking
this year.
Hilda– But you’re a much better cook than I am.
Zelda– I have prepared Christmas dinner for the last two
hundred and eighty years. It’s your turn.
Hilda– But I, it…
Zelda– (Interrupting) Hilda! You’re not getting out of it.
Hilda gives in and flicks her finger towards the dining table.
Instantly a full turkey dinner spread for four and a cat
appears ready to be attacked.
Hilda– I hate cooking.
Int. Spellman living room. The front door opens and a man
enters togged out for a yachting trip with a skippers cap,
blazer and white pants. He holds a transparent plastic
carrying case and a Christmas pudding in one hand and a
wheeled suitcase in the other.
Monty– Hello! Anybody home?
The aunts come out of the dining room.
Zelda– Monty!
Hilda– Monty.
Monty– Glad tidings to all. I come baring figgy pudding.
Zelda takes it from him
Zelda– Oh.
Monty– And you’re familiar with my familiar.
He holds up the small transparent case that has a miniature
chase lounge in it and reclining on it is a greater crested
newt.
Zelda– Merry Christmas, Newt.
Newt– Oh, I forgot my fruit cake.
Hilda– Ah, you didn’t mention you were bringing an extra
mouth.
Zelda– Oh Hilda, how much can one little newt eat? Besides,
any friend of Monty’s is welcome in this house.
Monty– Well I’m delighted to hear you say that Zellie
because I have something to declare.
He unzips his suitcase.
Monty– (Cont.) Come forth my lovely. (To Hilda and Zelda)
Ladies, meet Lulu.
He pulls back the flap to reveal the contents of his case.
Curled up in the impossibly tiny case is a dark haired young
woman in a black velvet cat suit. Effortlessly she uncoils
herself and stretches.
Lulu– Happy holidays. Oh it’s awful cramped in there, do you
mind if I stretch?
And how she stretches. Her leg is pulled a good foot above
her head and then she does a hand stand with a splits.
Monty– Isn’t she a pip?
Hilda– Oh she’s pippy all right.
Monty– Of course she doesn’t have a nickel to her name. I
only wish I could have married money like Cole Porter but
Lord help me, I’m attracted to this.
This was doing a crab, arching her back like it didn’t possess
a single bone. Sabrina enters.
Sabrina– Hey!
She sees what’s going on.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Man I’m glad I didn’t invite Harvey in.
Zelda– Sabrina, you’re just in time to meet our guests. This
is Monty.
Monty– Charmed.
Zelda– And Lulu.
Lulu comes out of a backward hand stand beside Sabrina
wraps her arm round the back of her neck and offers her
hand to Sabrina.
Lulu– Hello.
Sabrina shakes Lulu’s hand.
Sabrina– I can roll my tongue.
And she does just that. After Lulu’s display no ones
impressed.
Hilda– Oh, and this is Salem’s oldest and dearest friend,
Newt.
Newt– Oldest and dearest friend my tail. You know it’s
Salem’s fault that I’m a Salamander in the first place.
Zelda– Newt was into Salem’s scheme for world domination.
Hilda– Way into it.
Newt– Yeah, he promised me Denmark.
Monty– So where is the dear boy, out catting around?
Sabrina– The last time I saw him he was in a dumpster
behind The Slicery. He said he’d find his own way home.
Zelda– You left him outside? You know he’s a house pet.
Sabrina– He’ll be fine. Salem’s the only cat in town that can
call a cab.
Ext. The alley at the rear of The Slicery. Salem still sits in the
dumpster amusing himself.
Salem– (Singing) Said Barnacle Bill the sailor. Ha, ha. Oh
that’s all the sea shanties I know. They must be plenty
worried about me now. Time to head home.
He leaps down from the dumpster right into the path of a
small boy on his bicycle who cannot avoid hitting him and
knocking the breeze from his sails.
Rex– Kitty! Kitty, are you alright? You don’t look hurt but I
better take you home to make thure.
He picks Salem up and puts him in the basket on the front of
his bike.
Int. Spellman living room. Monty sips from a china cup.
Monty– Zellie, you’ve really out done yourself. Delicious hot
mulled cider.
He puts down the cup and there’s a giggle from the coffee
table. Actually it’s a new one with two arms and legs whose
arches backwards with a doily across her stomach.
Lulu– It tickles.
Sabrina looks at her with an expression that asks ‘is she right
or what?’ Hilda jumps up.
Hilda– Did you hear something?
She gets up to answer the door.
Zelda– Oh I hope it’s Salem.
Sabrina– Tell him I’m still mad at him.
Hilda opens the door.
Hilda– Salem?
Kid #1– (OS)Hey lady!
Kid #2– (OS)Duck, here it comes.
Snow balls whack around Hilda and thump into the door.
Hilda laughs a little self consciously.
Hilda– No it’s just a bunch of kids throwing snowballs. (To
the kids) Watch out for the ice.
She points.
Kid #2– (OS)Ow! Ouch!
Kid #1– (OS)Yikes! Ahgh!
Hilda closes the door and walks back into the living room
scooping snow from her cleavage.
Newt– Er, where is Salem anyway?
Sabrina– Probably out having the time of his life.
Int. Rex’s bedroom. Salem is not having a good time, but
Rex is. He’s dressed Salem in a frilly night gown and is
playing Vets. He holds his plastic stethoscope to Salem’s
chest.
Rex– I can hear you heart kitty, you’re going to live.
The bedroom door opens and Rex’s Dad sticks his head in.
Joe– Rex, wash up it’s time for…
he sees Salem on the bed.
Joe– …Dinner. What’s that?
Rex– A kitty.
Joe– I can see it’s a kitty but where did it come from?
Rex– He followed me home. Can I keep him?
Joe– Oh well, you know how your mom is about pets and we
still don’t know where the snake is.
Rex– I won’t lothe the kitty. Pleathe, it’d be the betht
Chrithmath prethent ever.
Joe– Keep him in your room, I’ll talk to your mom about it
tomorrow. Right now she has her family over and it’s not a
good time. Come on, let’s get ready for dinner.
Rex– Gueth what I named him.
Joe– What?
Rex– Thtinky.
Joe– Okay.
They leave the room closing the door behind them.
Thtinky– And I’ve got some names for you too, kid.
He spots something on the bedside table.
Thtinky– Ooh! Phone.
Int. Spellman dining room. Christmas dinner is underway and
Lulu sits next to Monty cutting her turkey while fondling
Monty’s ear… with her toes.
Lulu– Isn’t he marvellous? I just can’t keep my feet off of
him.
Sabrina– You seem like you’re really in love.
Monty– Well she’s just so darned flexible.
He kisses lulu’s toes.
Hilda– I still think we should have waited for Salem.
Zelda– It’s not like him to miss a meal. I hope he’s okay, it’s
getting cold out.
Sabrina– He has a fur coat. Can we change the subject?
Let’s er talk about… Monty. I wanna know everything about
you.
Monty– I was born in a lighthouse…
The phone rings.
Sabrina– I’ll get it!
She leaps up and runs to the kitchen, clearly more concerned
for her missing cat than she’ll let on.
Hilda– (To Monty) A lighthouse?
Zelda– In Nebraska?
Monty– It explains the hat.
Lulu uses her foot to pull his captains hat down over his
eyes.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina picks up the phone.
Sabrina– Hello? Oh hi Salem, need a ride?
Thtinky– Help me. I’ve been kidnapped and I’m wearing a
night gown.
Sabrina– What! Where are you?
Thtinky– Some kids room. He knocked me out behind The
Slicery, I came too just in time to see his house. It has a
white door and a Christmas wreath.
Sabrina– Is this a joke?
Int. Rex’s bedroom. Rex snatches the phone away from
Thtinky.
Rex– Hello, who ith thith?
Sabrina– Sabrina, do you have my cat?
Rex– Thorry Thabrina, he’th my cat now.
Rex punches the disconnect button.
Sabrina– Wait, don’t hang up!
Rex– (To Thtinky) Phones are not for Thtinky. Now I have to
go eat dinner but later I’m going to give you a nice long bath
Tho you’ll be all clean for Thanta.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina holds the dead receiver.
Sabrina– What have I done?
Int. Rex’s bedroom. Thtinky contemplates a nice long bath.
Thtinky– What have I done?
Int. Spellman dining room. Sabrina rushes in shaking her
hands upset and agitated..
Sabrina– Salem’s been kidnapped.
Hilda– Kidnapped!
Zelda– By whom?
Sabrina– A little boy with a lisp.
Monty– What does he want? I’ll pay whatever it is.
Sabrina– He doesn’t want money, he want’s Salem.
Monty– But remember, I offered.
Sabrina– Look, we have to get him back. Can we use magic
to find him?
Zelda– You can’t file a missing witches report for twenty-four
hours.
Sabrina– Oh! we can’t wait a whole day!
Hilda– Calm down, we can look for Salem the mortal way.
What do we know?
Sabrina– Okay, he’s trapped in a house with a white door
and a Christmas wreath.
Zelda– Which in July would have helped us but right now we
need more information.
Sabrina– He’s also wearing a night gown.
Hilda– Interesting, but irrelevant. We should return to the
scene of the crime.
Sabrina– The alley behind The Slicery. Let’s go.
Sabrina and her aunts head for the door.
Monty– We’ll go with you.
Lulu– I’m stuck!
She has managed to get both feet tangled behind her head
while sitting at the dining table.
Monty– Er, plan ‘B’, we’ll hold down the fort.
Int. Rex’s bedroom. Thtinky sits on the windowsill gazing out
of the frost patterned glass at the freedom beyond.
Thtinky– (Singing) God rest ye merry gentlemen let nothing
you dismay. I’m so alone. <Sob!>
Int. The Slicery. It’s all shut up, only the fairy lights on the
ceiling illuminate it. A face presses to the door window and
looks in. It’s Zelda, she knocks.
Zelda– Hello!
No one answers and she walks on.
Ext. The Alley at the back of The Slicery. Zelda comes round
the corner past the bill posters stuck to the wall next to the
poster saying ‘Bill posters will be prosecuted’ She joins
Sabrina who’s looking over some empty crates by The
Slicery’s back door.
Zelda– They’re all closed up for the holidays. Where’s Hilda?
Hilda bursts up from under the garbage in the dumpster that
Salem had been sat in wearing a complete air fed biological
hazard suit with a perspex visor.
Hilda– No Salem but I found a lot of crusts.
She holds up a pizza crust.
Hilda– (Cont.) What’s with people? It’s my favourite part.
Sabrina– We’ve got trash and more trash, we have nothing.
She turns and points at one of the posters. It’s for Coolio’s
concert at the Westbridge Arena and its sold out.
Sabrina– He’s our only eye witness and he’s no help.
Zelda– Well, we haven’t asked.
She points at the poster and the picture of Coolio jumps
down and stretches before walking over to the trio of
witches.
Coolio– Hey what’s going on?
Sabrina– Coolio, cool!
Zelda– We need some information.
Coolio– Oh, as you can see, that’s right up my alley.
Sabrina– We were wondering if you’d seen our cat?
Coolio– Well hanging out in this alley I see a lot of cats so
you gotta be more specific.
Sabrina– Well he’s a black cat about this tall.
She holds her hands about a foot apart vertically.
Sabrina– (Cont.) And he talks.
Coolio– Oh the talking cat, I remember him. He was singing
sea shantys, then he got hit by a bike.
Sabrina– He got hit! Was he hurt?
Coolio– No, but the kid took him home just to be sure.
Zelda– Which way did they go?
Coolio– Um, down that way and to the left.
Hilda– Did you see anything else?
Coolio– Yeah, the kids wheels had a vanity plate, um, his
name was Rex. Er that’s Latin for king. Um anyway, I gotta
get back to work.
He points his thumb towards the poster that now has a blank
spot where he had stood.
Coolio– (Cont.) So erm, well are you guys um coming to the
concert?
Sabrina– It says it’s sold out, can you get me tickets?
Coolio– Sorry, I’m just an alley poster, try a bill board.
Merry Christmas.
Zelda– Thank you Mr. Coolio.
Hilda– Word to your mother.
Sabrina buries her head in her hand with embarrassment.
Coolio– Right.
He jumps back into his poster.
Sabrina– Okay, we’re on his tail. We now know who, when,
how and sort of where. Let’s start knocking on doors.
Jingle bell rock starts up and plays through the following.
Zelda knocks on a white door with a Christmas wreath,
Sabrina stands at another explaining about her missing cat,
the door is closed on her. Hilda Knocks on yet another.
Sabrina stands at a white door with a Christmas Wreath
talking to a little six year old girl, The girl shakes her head.
Zelda stands at another where a family gathering is in
progress. The host and hostess shake their heads and then
chink their glasses together in a toast. Hilda stands at yet
another were a harassed man with a screw driver in his
mouth and bits of a push bike and the plans in his arms
shakes his head as a child pulls at his trouser leg.
Sabrina gets a negative from a drunken student decked out
in fairy lights and tinsel. Zelda gets a positive from the man
with the mistletoe and Hilda an earth from the little boys ray
gun.
Sabrina describes Salem to a couple at another white door
with a Christmas wreath but is barged out of the way by a
group of carol singers.
Doors are knocked on all over Westbridge and the white
doors with Christmas wreaths swirl around the running
Sabrina’s head as she becomes more desperate to find her
missing pussy.
Sabrina– (Calling) Salem!
The white doors all close, shutting the witches and their
worries out with their festive wreaths. Sabrina kicks the door
in frustration, the wreath drops into the snow, she stands for
a second contemplating it, then runs away. The song fades.
Int. Rex’s bedroom. Thtinky has managed to shed his night
gown and gazes around the room. He’s alone.
Thtinky– I need a plan. What would McGuiver do… y’know…
if he were a cat?
His gaze passes over the shelves full of toys and books, an
inflatable devils trident left over from Halloween.
Thtinky– (Cont.) It’s a crazy idea but it just might…. Nah,
that wont work.
His gaze moves on past the giant stuffed snake to the net
basket hanging behind the door.
Thtinky– (Cont.) But that might.
He jumps down from the bed.
Int. Rex’s upstairs landing. Rex puts his hand on the door
knob and calls down stairs.
Rex– Bye, see you next year.
He opens the door a enters.
Int. Rex’s bedroom. He enters and looks around, he can’t see
the cat.
Rex– Thtinky? Where are you Thtinky?
As he steps into the room Thtinky puts his plan into effect.
The net drops onto Rex and he tumbles to the ground
tangled in its webbing.
Rex– Help! HELP! DAD, GET ME OUT. HELP!
Thtinky– Yes!.
Thtinky jumps down from the shelf beside the door and out
of the room. The door closes just as Rex manages to
untangle himself. He gets to his feet.
Rex– Oh no, Thtinky’s gone!
He runs to the door and opens it to find his Dad standing just
outside with Thtinky in his arms.
Rex– (Cont.) Oh yeah, Thtinky’s back.
Joe hands him the cat.
Joe– Yeah, well I told you to keep him in your room.
Rex– I’m thorry Daddy, it’ll never happen again.
Joe– Hm.
He leaves.
Rex– (To Thtinky) I’ll make thure of that.
The front door bell rings. Rex puts Thtinky back down on his
bed and runs for the door.
Rex– (Cont.) I’ll get it, I’ll get it.
He leaves pulling the bedroom door closed behind him.
Ext. Rex’s front door. It’s white and has a Christmas wreath
along with the number 133 on it. It also has a teenage witch
stood outside. The door opens and Rex appears.
Rex– What d’you want?
Sabrina– I’m sorry to disturb you but I was looking for my
cat and I was wondering if you’d seen him?
Rex– A cat? No my mom won’t let me have a pet.
Sabrina– Okay, thanks anyway. Merry Christmas.
Rex– Merry Chrithmath.
He starts to close the door as Sabrina turns away but she
quickly turns and stops him.
Sabrina– You have a lisp.
Rex– Tho?
Sabrina– What’s your name?
Rex– None of your buthineth.
Mary– (OS) Rex, who’s at the door?
Sabrina– Rex? You have my cat.
She bends down and takes hold of his arms.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Give me back my cat!
Rex’s mum arrives.
Mary– What’s going on here?
Sabrina– Your son has my cat.
Mary– Oh no, I’m afraid you must be mistaken. My little Rex
doesn’t have a cat.
Rex– Thee!
Sabrina– Look, I know he’s lying. (Calling into the house)
SALEM!
Int. Rex’s bedroom. Thtinky is lay on the bed.
Sabrina– (OS) SALEM!
Thtinky– Sabrina?
He jumps down and runs to the closed door and starts to paw
at it.
Sabrina– (OS) SALEM!
Thtinky– SABRINA!
Ext. Rex’s front door.
Sabrina– Can I just check his room?
Mary– That’s enough, now don’t make me call my husband.
Go away! And merry Christmas.
She pulls Rex inside and closes the door firmly dislodging
some snow which falls on Sabrina.
Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina’s doing her agitated hand
shaking thing again as she worries about Salem.
Sabrina– It’s all my fault. I never should have left him
alone.
Zelda– Oh he’ll be okay. Even before he was a cat Salem
always landed on his feet.
Sabrina– But if it weren’t for me he’d be home. I could kick
myself.
Lulu– I can kick myself.
Sabrina gives her a stare.
Sabrina– Can we focus? Okay we have five witches and a
newt, we should be able to do something?
Hilda– I’ve got it. We all hide inside a giant wooden horse.
Zelda– Hmm, that worked so well the last time.
Sabrina– What if I use my magic to pop into the house and
grab Salem?
Zelda– Too risky, if the little boy sees you you’re caught.
How will you explain it?
Sabrina– I wouldn’t, I’d just knock him down and run out of
there as fast as I could.
Hilda– Oh good plan!
She get a dig in the ribs from Zelda.
Hilda– (Cont.) Bad plan.
Sabrina– Well maybe I just got a better one.
She gets up and runs off.
Int. Rex’s bedroom. Rex is asleep with Thtinky in bed.
Thunder rumbles in his closet and lightning flashes round the
edge of the door jam waking the boy. The closet door opens
Rex– Who ith it?
A very short Santa enters with a sack full of goodies.
Rex– (Cont.) Thanta! ith that you?!
Santa– Ho-ho-ho!
His voice sounds a little high pitched but Rex jumps out of
bed anyway.
Rex– The other kid’th thaid you didn’t exthitht but I knew
you did. I knew it.
Santa– Yeah, yeah. Now listen Rex, we need to talk.
Rex– Did you bring me prethenth?
Santa– Yeah I did, Ho-ho-ho.
He reaches into his sack
Santa– (Cont.) Oh I er, I brought you a er… Spatula.
He hands over the handy kitchen tool and reaches again into
the sack
Santa– (Cont.) And this er.. Neil Diamond box set.
He hands over the CD case.
Rex– Neil Diamond! Didn’t you get my fax?
Santa– Look, you’ll get more presents tomorrow. Right now
though I need to talk to your cat.
Rex– What do you want with Thtinky?
Santa– Well, see you got the wrong cat. Actually he belongs
to this sweet little blonde girl who misses him very much.
Rex– Tough luck.
Santa– Well if that’s how you feel about it then let me just
give er.. Stinky his Christmas present.
He puts his sack down on the floor and opens the neck wide
pointing at the cat.
Santa– (Cont.) (To Thtinky) It’s in the bag.
Thtinky doesn’t take the hint.
Santa– (Cont.) In the bag.
He still doesn’t get it.
Santa– (Cont.) Hint, hint, hint.
He finally gets it and jumps down into the bag.
Santa– (Cont.) Okay! (To Rex) Lots of houses to hit, see ya
next year.
He slings the sack with Thtinky in it over his shoulder and
heads for the closet.
Rex– But Thanta, gimme my cat!
Santa– Gotta go.
Rex– You can’t thteal my cat!
Santa– Watch me.
Santa runs into the closet and pulls the door shut. With a
crash of thunder he’s gone.
Rex– Thanta’th thtealing my cat! THANTA’TH THTEALING MY
CAT!
Rex’s Mum comes running in in her dressing gown at the
noise to find her son stood with a spatula and a Neil Diamond
box set in his hands.
Mary– Rex, Rex what’s going on?
Rex– Thanta thtole my cat. <Sob!>
Mary– Oh honey, no, you must have been dreaming. You
don’t have a cat.
Rex– But I thaw him, he wath real. He gave me thith
thpatula.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The linen closet activates and
Sabrina comes out with Salem in her arms, the only remains
of the Santa outfit is the red hat. She heads straight down
stairs.
Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina and Salem come down
stairs.
Sabrina– We’re Ho-ho-home!
Salem– Merry Christmas
Hilda– Oh Salem, you’re back.
Zelda– Safe and sound.
Salem– It is a wonderful life, and you know what I realised?
There are worse places to be during the holidays than with
your family.
Hilda, Zelda and Monty– Hear, hear!
Lulu– Hurray!
Later. they are all sat around the piano as Hilda plays.
Everyone– (Singing) Don me now our gay apparel
Tra-la-la tra-la-la, la-la-la.
Told the ancient Yule tide carol
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Monty– Well, it’s after midnight. Let’s exchange gifts.
Salem– (To Sabrina)(Whispering) Pst, I got ya something
but it’s up stairs.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina flops belly first onto her bed.
Sabrina– So where’s my present?
Salem– It’s more of a promise than a present.
Sabrina– No present?!
Salem– Wait, you’ll like it. I promise to appreciate you and
respect your privacy.
Sabrina– From now on?
Salem– Er no. for like a week.
Sabrina– That’s it?
Salem– Okay, ten days but that’s my final offer.
Sabrina– Deal!
Int. Spellman living room. Monty has a gift for Lulu.
Monty– For you.
Lulu– Oh, a ring! Oh it’s beautiful.
He takes it and slips it onto her toe and gets down on one
knee.
Monty– Marry me. I don’t care if you’re poor and have no
spine, marry me.
Lulu– Monty, I would love to be your wife and here, this is
for you.
She hands him a small gift wrapped parcel.
Monty– Oh, oh, you shouldn’t have…
He opens it and takes out the present.
Monty– (Cont.) But dear, this is a solid gold cigarette case.
But you’re a circus act, how could you afford this?
Lulu– Oh, I forgot to tell you. My dad’s loaded
Monty– Oh, Oh dear girl. This is the best Christmas ever.
He picks her up in his arms and carries her over to the settee
where Zelda and Sabrina are dishing out the hot mulled
cider.
Zelda– I’d like to propose a toast. To family and to friends.
Everyone– Merry Christmas!
Newt– And to all a good newt.
Int. Spellman kitchen. the next morning. Sabrina, Hilda and
Zelda stand at the counter with their morning coffee and
Watch Salem on the kitchen table.
Sabrina– I think Salem’s really happy to be home.
Zelda– Yeah, he’s been having a great time all morning.
Hilda– You know next year I don’t think I’ll even bother to
buy him a gift.
Well it would be a waste of time as he’s completely ignored it
in favour of playing with the colourful wrapping paper.
Salem– This is good, this is so good. Oh the wrapping,
greens and reds and ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! It’s the best
Christmas ever and it’s great to be home. Ho-oo, yes! Yes!
Yes!
Sabrina– I think he likes my paper best.
Int. Rex’s bedroom. Christmas morning. Rex plays with his
new toy.
Rex– Brrrrr, brrrrrrrrrr-rrrrrrr. Brrrrrr-rrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
His Mum and Dad kneel with him watching the delight of a
child at this time of year.
Run Credits.
Mary– Honey, don’t you want to ride your new motor cross
bike?
Rex– No! Brrrrrr, Rrrrrrrrr.
Joe– Well you haven’t played with your new basket ball. How
about a little one on one?
Rex– No!! Brrrrr!
Mary– How about your new train?
Rex– NO!!!
Joe– Your dump truck?
Rex– NO!!!!
Mary– Your Volcano?
Rex– NO!!!!!
Joe– Rex! Give Daddy the spatula.
Rex– No, Thanta gave it to me. It’th the betht Chrithmath
prethent ever.
Mary– (To Joe) He loves it so much. Where’d he get it?
Joe– Oh, I guess the same place he got that Neil Diamond
CD.
Rex– Hey Dad, will you put on Thweet Caroline again?
Mary and Joe– (Together) NO!!!!!
Jenny’s Non-Dream
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Jenny’s Non-Dream
Written By – Jon Sherman
Transcribed By – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Jenny – Michelle Beaudoin
Drell – Penn Jillette
Skippy – Teller
Jack Wagner – Jack Wagner
Repairman – Chuck McCann
Rule-bearer – Morwenna Banks
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman laundry room. Hilda enters with a basket of
laundry to find Sabrina stood in her socks and a ‘Wadsworth
Soccer’ T-shirt, holding a pair of jeans.
Hilda– Hi Sabrina, shouldn’t you be going to school?
Sabrina– Yes.
Hilda– And shouldn’t you be wearing pants?
Sabrina– They’re still wet.
Hilda– So? Use magic to make new ones.
Sabrina– Magic jeans come out all stiff and new, these are
broken in.
She throws the damp jeans in the drier, closes the front and
presses the start button. Nothing happens.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Maybe I just need to clean the lint tray.
She opens the little tray cover on top of the drier.
Hilda– Don’t! That’s a magic drier.
Sabrina– It is?
Hilda– It fluffs, it folds and it never loses a sock but it’s been
on the fritz lately. We’re still waiting for the repair man.
Sabrina– When was he supposed to show up?
Hilda– Er sometime in the afternoon between nineteen sixty-
eight and nineteen ninety-eight.
Sabrina– Forget it, I’ll just wear clammy jeans.
She opens the drier and reaches in for her jeans but they
wont come.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Hey they’re stuck!
She pulls harder and a white fluffy hand appears holding on
to the other leg of the jeans. Sabrina screams but keeps a
firm grip on her pants.
Sabrina– Call the repair man! Now!
The tug of war continues and Hilda comes over to help on
Sabrina’s side.
Run opening credits.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda’s baking at the counter while
Salem watches from the table. She takes the hard work out
of it by having her wooden spoon stir the mix magically.
Salem– What are you making?
Zelda– Sugar cookies.
Salem– With bits of liver?
Zelda– No, sprinkles.
Salem– Yuck!
Sabrina enters and puts down her overnight bag.
Sabrina– Hey I’m back.
Zelda– Did you have fun at Jenny’s?
Sabrina– It was amazing. Last night we had casserole,
played Monopoly and then we watched TV.
Zelda– How will you ever wind down?
Sabrina– It was so much fun to be in a normal house, with a
normal family, doing normal things.
Zelda– Is that why you’ve never invited Jenny for a sleep-
over, because you think we’re weird?
Sabrina– That’s a complicated question but the short answer
would be yes.
Zelda– Well that’s ridiculous. We can be as normal as
anyone, watch.
She grabs the spoon as it magically stirs and starts to stir
manually with it.
Zelda– (Cont.) I’m mixing by hand, just like a pioneer
woman. Now I want you to invite Jenny over. How about
next Friday. I have my book club…
Sabrina– (Interrupting) Jenny is not meeting your brainy
friends.
Zelda– Could I finish my sentence? I have my book club but
I’ll cancel it. Now all you have to do is invite Jenny over.
`
Sabrina– What if I forget?
Zelda– I’ll remind you.
She points at Sabrina’s leg.
Sabrina– Aw!
Zelda– And I promise we will be as normal as normal can be.
The back doors open and Hilda rides in on a miniature pony
in a complete dressage outfit.
Hilda– Tally-ho! Who wants to play miniature polo?
Zelda– (To Sabrina) I’ll have a talk with her.
Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Sabrina sits with her
friends, Harvey and Jenny, having lunch.
Sabrina– So then Jenny’s dad landed on Park Place and to
pay the rent he had to borrow money from her little brother.
It was super-funny.
Harvey– My family can’t play board games, not since the
Pictionary incident.
Jenny and Sabrina look at one another questioningly.
Harvey– (Cont.) I still can’t talk about it.
Sabrina– Well maybe you should hang out a Jenny’s house,
her family’s really nice.
Jenny– And a little boring, but they love you, you should
come over again this Saturday.
Sabrina– That’d be great.
Something pinches her leg.
Sabrina– Aw! (To Harvey) Why’d you kick me?
Harvey– I didn’t kick you.
Sabrina– That’s weird. (To Jenny) So what time should I
come over?
She gets another pinch on her leg.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Aw!
Jenny– What is it?
Sabrina gets the message.
Sabrina– Oh just a reminder. Um, y’know I think it’s my
turn to have you over at my house.
Jenny– That sounds fun.
Sabrina– You know you don’t have to answer right away.
You should know I have these two really weird aunts.
Jenny– But I like weird. I love weird. I bask in the glow of
weird. I…
Harvey– (Interrupting) You know I think Jenny will fit right
in. Aw!
Jenny– That was me.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem is lay on the table watching
Sabrina carefully arrange her room. She puts her stuffed
cushion on the chaise lounge just so.
Sabrina– Okay, looking normal.
She inspects the room.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Oh! Gotta get rid of my magic book.
She takes it from the book stand by the bed and slides it
under the bed. The books not too happy being consigned to
the company of dust bunnies and slides back out again.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Oh come on!
She pushes it under again.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Stay!
It stays under but sulks in that silent way that only a book
can.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Good book. Okay. Now Salem, we need to
work on your meow.
Salem– Say what!
Sabrina– Your meow. It has to sound real for Jenny, let’s
hear it.
Salem– Okay. (Clears his throat) Meow.
Sabrina– Can’t you do it more catty?
Salem– You mean meow?
Sabrina– Yeah.
Salem– That is so cliché.
Sabrina– Humour me. There’s still something weird about
this room. I know.
She points at her dresser and the second drawer down slides
open. Clothes pour from it and artfully strewn themselves
into casual poses on the floor and furnishings, giving the
room a tastefully unkempt appearance.
Sabrina– (Cont.) There. It was too neat; now it’s perfect and
you know Salem? This could be fun.
She picks him up.
Salem– I’m happy for you Sabrina, you should be able to
have friends over.
Sabrina– Or in other words?
Salem– Meow.
Int. Spellman living room. Zelda is plumping cushions as
Sabrina comes down stairs with Salem in her arms.
Zelda– Look, I’m plumping pillows all by myself.
Sabrina– I am so impressed. What smells weird?
Zelda– Hilda’s cooking.
Sabrina– Oh-no!
She heads for the kitchen.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda has been cooking and takes her
creation out of the oven. She looks normal… Too normal. She
has taken normal to it’s extreme. Her hair is severely
permed. She wears a bright pink satin dress that’s straight
out of a fifties sit-com. It wouldn’t have looked to bad in
black and white. Over the top of it she wears a lace apron.
Sabrina enters.
Hilda– Hi kitten. I just made tuna noodle casserole.
She lifts the lid from the casserole dish and is enveloped by a
cloud of steam.
Hilda– What do you think? <Cough>
Sabrina– I think you’re both over done.
She takes a piece of paper from her back pocket.
Sabrina– Here. I made a list of possible topics for tonight’s
dinner conversation. Now if one doesn’t work, move on, but
don’t stray from the list.
She hands it over to Hilda.
Hilda– Hey, I think I know what to talk about. (Reading)
Towels?
Zelda enters from the living room as a door-bell rings.
Sabrina– Okay she’s here, tense up!
Hilda– Relax. That’s the upstairs door-bell.
Sabrina– Upstairs door-bell?
Zelda– For the linen closet. We must have guests from the
Other Realm.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Sabrina has made it to the
linen closet first and flattens herself against it.
Sabrina– Can’t we just pretend we’re not here?
Hilda– No. What if it’s someone important?
Sabrina– Fine, but I still don’t understand why our linen
closet doesn’t have a peep-hole.
She moves away from the door and Zelda opens it. A man in
overalls and holding a clipboard is patiently waiting.
Repairman– The Spellman residence?
Zelda– Yes.
Repairman– I’m here about your drier.
Hilda– I’ll take you to the laundry room.
Repairman– Oh thanks.
He follows Hilda past Zelda and Sabrina. Sabrina spots
something odd about the repairman.
Sabrina– Aunt Zelda, look! (To the Repairman) Oh you
have…
Zelda– (Interrupting) Shh! Don’t be rude.
Sabrina– Nothing.
The repairman carries on down the stairs after Hilda. Zelda
and Sabrina follow behind.
Int. Spellman kitchen. The Repairman and Hilda have gone
on to the laundry room when Zelda and Sabrina come down
the stairs.
Sabrina– He can’t stay. He has a tail.
Salem– What’s wrong with having a tail?
Zelda– Sabrina you aren’t a rumpist are you?
Sabrina– A rumpist? What’s a rumpist?
Zelda– Someone who judges others by their rear ends.
Sabrina– No. Okay not usually. It’s not me I’m worried
about, it’s Jenny.
Zelda– Is she a rumpist?
Sabrina– No, but if she sees a repairman with a tail she
might get suspicious.
Zelda– Oh relax. We’ll keep him out of site, he’ll fix the drier
and be gone before you know it.
The door-bell rings. This time it’s the terrestrial door-bell.
Zelda– (Cont.) It’s probably her.
Sabrina– Do I have to answer it?
Zelda– Yes.
Int. Spellman Living room. Sabrina opens the front door.
Sabrina– Hey, you’re here.
Jenny enters with her sleeping bag and overnight bag.
Jenny– You too. It’s a great house.
Sabrina– Come on in, I’ll er give you the grand tour.
She leads her friend into the living room.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Okay here’s a bunch of stuff we own. All
very normal.
Jenny puts down her bags and starts to look around.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Okay let’s go and see if dinners ready.
She links arms with Jenny and starts to drag her away to the
kitchen.
Jenny– Well it’s kinda misleading to call that the grand tour.
Int. Spellman dining room. Later. Jenny and Sabrina sit with
Sabrina’s aunts having dinner while Hilda keeps the
conversation rolling along.
Hilda– …From the hand-towel to the guest-towel, the beach-
towel to the bath-sheet. Towels have helped make our nation
great.
She raises her glass of water and proposes a toast.
Hilda– (Cont.) Towels.
Salem yawns.
Hilda– (Cont.) Okay let’s talk about something else.
She peeps at the list beneath the napkin beside her plate.
Hilda– (Cont.) Oh! The collapse of the economy on the Isle
of Mann.
Something white and fluffy runs past the dining room
window. Only Zelda sees the repairman run after it and catch
it. He drags it back into the kitchen. Zelda puts down her
knife and fork.
Zelda– Hilda, would you help me clear the table?
Jenny– I will too.
Zelda– No! No. You’re our guest.
The aunts grab a few plates and go into the kitchen.
Int. Spellman kitchen. The repairman comes up from the
laundry room with bits of link all over his overalls. Hilda gets
to the point.
Hilda– What’s going on?
Repairman– I’ve found your problem. You’ve got a Lint-
Gremlin growing in your drier.
Zelda– Did you get rid of him?
Repairman– No but I got a piece of him.
He pulls a large piece of lint from his overalls and gives it to
Hilda.
Hilda– Well find the rest.
Zelda– Please and be quick about it, our niece has a mortal
over.
The repairman sits and starts picking lint from his tail.
Repairman– Oh a mortal. I’d tuck in my tail but it tickles.
He gets up and goes after the gremlin.
Int. Spellman dining room. Hilda and Zelda enter, Hilda’s
brought pie.
Sabrina– So is everything okay?
Hilda– As okay as apple-pie.
She places the pie on the table.
Jenny– Wow, it’s beautiful.
Sabrina– It couldn’t be better… unless there’s ice-cream.
Zelda– There is.
She points to the kitchen letting off a little make ice-cream
spell.
Zelda– In the freezer.
Jenny– Well I’ll get it. My parents forced manners on me, I
might as well use them.
She gets up and goes into the kitchen.
Sabrina– I think everything’s going really well.
Hilda– Except for the Lint-Gremlin that’s escaped from the
drier and is now running around the house.
Sabrina– He got out!
A scream comes from the kitchen.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Jenny!
They all leap up and run for the door.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina beats her aunts into the
kitchen to find Jenny clearly upset.
Sabrina– Are you okay!
Jenny– No! I just saw the hugest spider.
Sabrina– Spider. That’s great. You know because spiders eat
other bugs.
Jenny sits with her feet up on the high stool by the counter
looking round the floor in case her scream hasn’t scared off
the spider. So she doesn’t see the Lint-Gremlin stick it’s head
round the corner by the stairs before it runs off again.
Sabrina– Hey, er how about we, er look for that ice-cream.
She grabs Jenny and drags her over to the freezer.
Jenny– Yep.
Again she doesn’t see the Lint-Gremlin run across the kitchen
and into the dining room pursued by the repairman with his
tail bobbing behind him.
Jenny– Wow you’ve got lots of flavours.
Sabrina– Er, it’s all none-fat.
She pulls Jenny away and closes the freezer door.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Okay let’s go up to my room. Hey let’s
race.
She gives Jenny a push towards the stairs.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Look, you’re winning.
They run up the stairs as the door-bell rings.
Hilda– (To Zelda) Who is that?
Zelda– Oh!
Int. Spellman living room. The Lint-Gremlin runs across from
the dining room chased by the repairman as Hilda and Zelda
head for the front door. They open it and hear a car pulling
away but don’t see anyone until they look down. On the floor
are two large glass jars each containing a different coloured
bubbling fluid, one yellow, the other blue. They also each
contain a brain and spinal cord.
Zelda– Irwin, Velia, What are you doing here? Our book club
was cancelled tonight. Didn’t you get my E-mail?
Velia– No. We had to drop our AOL account because a
certain person couldn’t stay out of the chat rooms.
Irwin– Where else can I be judged by how I think and not
by how I look?
Hilda– I’m sure it’s very difficult being a brain in a jar but
you can’t come in.
Velia– But the taxi wont be back for two hours.
Hilda– Sorry. Think warm thoughts, good bye.
She pulls Zelda inside and closes the door.
Zelda– Oh Hilda we can’t just leave them outside, they’ll get
brain freeze.
Hilda– I thought we were going for normal?
Zelda– Oh the girls are upstairs, we’ll take the brains in the
dining room and Sabrina will never know.
She opens the door again. The brains in their jars are still
there.
Zelda– (Cont.) Come on in.
Irwin and Velia– Yea!
Hilda– Okay but I would just like to point out that I am
against this.
She points for emphasis but doesn’t have the safety on her
finger. A flash of lightning lights up Westbridge followed by a
deep rumbling thunder.
Hilda– (Cont.) Oh, pardon my finger.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The girls have changed into their
nighties and slippers and Sabrina tidies up the clothes that
she strewned around earlier. A flash of lightning illuminates
the bedroom window as Jenny looks out.
Jenny– One-one-thousand. Two-one-thousand. Three…
The thunder cracks loudly.
Jenny– (Cont.) That’s less than two miles away.
Sabrina– Yeah. We get a surprising amount of lightning
around here.
Jenny– This is such a great place. I mean how many people
have their own turret?
Sabrina– I don’t know, me and Repunsel?
Jenny– There’s a totally gothic feel to this place, like
anything could happen.
Sabrina– Could… but doesn’t.
Jenny– Too bad, that’s like my dream. Hey I got an idea.
Wanna tell each other secrets?
Sabrina– Secrets?
Jenny– I’ll go first okay. Ever since I read ‘The Lion, the
Witch and the wardrobe’ I’ve believed in other realms. Like
the way Edmond pushes past the coats and falls into Narnia.
I think that could happen if we could just find the door.
Wouldn’t that be amazing?
Sabrina– Yeah.
Jenny– Okay, now it’s your turn to tell me your secret.
Sabrina– Well I don’t really have any secrets. I mean you
know me, I’m an open book.
When it hears the word ‘book’ the magic book thinks she
talking about it and comes out of it’s hiding place under the
bed. Fortunately Jenny’s sat on the bed and doesn’t see it.
Jenny– Come on, everyone has secrets.
Sabrina kneels beside the bed to disguise her action of
pushing the book back under it and preserving her secret.
Sabrina– Actually um, I do have a secret. I’d really like to
tell you but it’s-it’s kinda hard.
Jenny– Well Sabrina you can tell me anything. I promise I
won’t think it’s strange.
Sabrina– Okay, well the truth is, Jenny, I’m a…
She desperately wants to tell her friend the truth but.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Really messy person.
Jenny– What?
Sabrina– Total slob.
Jenny– You’re messy? That’s your big secret?
Sabrina– Yes, shhh!
There’s the sound of breaking glass in the house.
Jenny– What was that?
Sabrina– I’d better go check. You stay here and… You stay
here.
Ext. Spellman Upstairs landing. Sabrina comes out of her
room and sees Salem sat in his favourite spot on top of the
linen basket. You’d think that wicker would really get to him
but…
Sabrina– Salem guard my door so Jenny doesn’t go
anywhere, okay?
She dashes off down the stairs.
Salem– (Calling after) Hey dogs guard. Cats watch… and
judge.
Int. Spellman dining room. Irwin, the brain, wriggles around
in the puddle of his fluid. His glass jar lies smashed beside
him. Zelda gets down on one knee.
Irwin– Aw!
Zelda– Velia! That was totally un-called for.
Irwin– Oh my left lobe.
Sabrina enters from the living room.
Sabrina– What’s going on here?
Zelda– We were discussing the shipping news and Velia got
upset.
Irwin– She telekinetically pushed me off the table.
Velia– That book did not deserve a Pulitzer prize.
Irwin– Please, if Wendy Wasserstien can win one…
Sabrina– (Interrupting) Excuse me! (To Zelda) I thought
you cancelled your book club?
The kitchen door bursts open and the Lint-Gremlin runs in
clutching the un-eaten apple pie with the repairman right
behind him and Hilda hot on his tail. Pardon the pun.
Repairman– Hey! Hey! Come back here with that.
Hilda– He’s got my pie! You little Lint-ball, gimme my pie.
They run past Sabrina and Zelda into the living room.
Sabrina picks up Irwin in her finger-tips.
Sabrina– This is insane! I knew this wouldn’t work. Here.
She hands the dripping brain to Zelda.
Sabrina– (Cont.) I’ve got to go and tell Jenny that I feel sick
and she’s got to go home.
She heads for the stairs. Zelda has to deal with the drained
brain problem.
Zelda– We’d better get you back into some vital fluids.
Irwin– Whatever you do, don’t put me in with her.
Velia– Please!
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Jenny’s become bored of
waiting for Sabrina and wanders out of her room.
Jenny– Sabrina?
There’s no sign of Sabrina but her little black cat is there.
Jenny walks over and gives him a stroke.
Jenny– (Cont.) Hey kitty, do you know where the linen
closet is?
Salem– Meow.
Jenny– I know it’s snooping but all that talk about towels
made me wanna check theirs out.
She walks over to the linen closet door and opens it.
Salem– Meow!
Jenny– I found it.
She enters and the door closes behind her.
Salem– Meow!
Sabrina comes up the stairs
Salem– MEOW!
Sabrina– What’s up Salem?
The linen closet activates. Bright light flashes round the door
jam and there’s a crash of thunder.
Salem– Jenny just got sent to the Other Realm.
Sabrina– You’re kidding!
She hurries to the linen closet and opens the door to find it
empty of everything except linen.
Salem– No, and I’m glad. Now everything can go back to
normal.
Sabrina enters the linen closet.
Sabrina– Jenny? JENNY! JENNY, WHERE ARE YOU?
Hilda and Zelda run up the stairs to see towels flying out of
the linen closet.
Zelda– Sabrina what’s all the shouting? Are you all right?
Sabrina– No. I think Jenny got sent to the Other Realm.
Hilda– Oh no, I’m sure she didn’t.
Sabrina– But Salem saw her go in the closet and shut the
door.
Hilda– Oh. Then I guess she did.
Ext. The Other Realm. A low mist covers the floor almost
obscuring the stone bench and a few miniature orange trees
that are the only decoration the place has other than two
upright poles with a bar across them. Jenny walks through
the mist gazing about.
Jenny– Hello? Is anyone here?
Calypso music strikes up and a small figure in a white suit
and white bowler hat dances into existence from under the
cross bar and stands before Jenny.
Jenny– Wow! Am I in Narnia?
Skippy shakes his head no.
Jenny– (Cont.) Who are you?
Skippy uses slight of hand to produce a calling card and
hands it to Jenny.
Jenny– (Cont.)(Reading) ‘Skippy the Overlord’s Underling’
Cool.
Skippy tips his hat to her.
Jenny– (Cont.) Can you talk?
He coughs and spits up a small frog into his hand.
Jenny– (Cont.) Oh you have a frog in your throat. Where am
I?
Skippy points to the pole arrangement and mimes dancing as
the Calypso music starts again.
Jenny– (Cont.) Limbo? I’m in Limbo?
He touches his nose in the time honoured charades manner.
Jenny– (Cont.) Then I was right. There is another realm and
it’s in Sabrina’s linen closet. Well I wonder if Sabrina knows
about this?
Skippy nods yes.
Jenny– (Cont.) Man, she was holding out on me. Well is
there anyone else here I could speak to?
He holds out the frog in his palm.
Jenny– (Cont.) I mean somebody who can talk?
Skippy looks hurt and starts stroking his frog.
Jenny– (Cont.) Oh no offence, I’m just not very good at
charades.
He nods and gestures for her to follow him. He leads her over
to the limbo bar as the calypso starts once more and mimes
dancing under the bar. Jenny happily obliges him and
disappears as she does. Once she’s gone Skippy takes a
quick look around before lifting the bar and walking under it.
Ext. The Other Realm. Drell’s Gym. It’s open air and sits on
top of a cloud. A giant fruit tree disguises most of the
exercise machines and Drell is in the middle of a quick work
out. The huge leader of the Witches Council does push ups
with a heavy bar.
Drell– Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-five. Nine
thousand, nine hundred and ninety-six. Nine thousand, nine
hundred and ninety-seven.
Skippy enters with Jenny.
Drell– (Cont.) Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-
eight. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine. Gah!
He drops the bar-bell to the floor.
Drell– (Cont.) It’s all I can do.
Jenny– Wow awesome!
Drell– Oh thanks.
He flexes his muscles for her.
Jenny– I’ve never seen a place like this before.
Drell– It’s called a gym. Who are you?
Jenny– Jenny. Who are you?
She holds out her hand but he ignores it.
Drell– Who am I? You’re joking right?
Jenny– No. Should I recognise you?
Drell– Yes. I am Drell, head of the Witches Council.
Jenny– You’re a witch?
Drell– Yeah, aren’t you?
Jenny– No, I’m a mortal.
Drell laughs.
Drell– Y-You’re a mortal? Really? That’s funny.
Jenny– It is? Why?
Drell– Because now I have to turn you into a grasshopper.
He points and there’s a brief flash leaving behind a small
glass jar where Jenny had been stood. Skippy bends down
and picks up the jar.
Drell– (Cont.) Skippy man, where do you pick up these
strays?
Skippy looks forlornly at the little grasshopper in the jar.
Drell– (Cont.) Don’t look so sad. You know you can’t have a
mortal, you didn’t feed the last one.
Ext. The Other Realm. Limbo. Sabrina enters still wearing her
nightie. She’s followed by her aunts.
Sabrina– I don’t see Jenny anywhere. I thought you said she
might be in Limbo?
Hilda– Well she’s not.
Zelda– But don’t worry, everything will be fine.
Sabrina– How can you say that?
Zelda– Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is
all we have.
A bowler hatted head appears below the limbo bar.
Hilda– Oh hey! There’s Skippy.
Sabrina– Help us? We’re looking for a girl named Jenny.
Skippy’s head disappears and his hand appears in its place
beckoning. Calypso music starts.
Sabrina– (Cont.) He’s seen her. Let’s go.
Hilda– Wait! When in Limbo, you have to limbo.
Hilda dances under the bar leaning far back. Zelda follows in
the same manner. Sabrina shrugs and follows but being so
petite she doesn’t have to bend very much.
Int. The Other Realm. Drell’s gym. Skippy leads the three
blonde witches in.
Sabrina– I don’t see Jenny.
Hilda– Good, ‘cause I see Drell.
Skippy does an about turn and gets out of the way. He
doesn’t want to be around when they find out what’s
happened to their mortal friend. Drell rides around his
exercise tree on a unicycle. He comes round from the back to
find the Spellman’s waiting for him.
Drell– Oh hi ladies. Glad you didn’t catch me doing anything
silly.
Hilda– Er, actually we were just looking for someone.
Zelda– But she doesn’t seem to be here so we’re sorry to
disturb you.
They turn to leave.
Drell– Wait! Maybe I er have seen her. Is her name Jenny?
Sabrina– Yes.
Drell– Does she have green eyes?
Sabrina– Yeah.
Drell– Is she a vegetarian?
Sabrina– Yeah.
Drell– Does she have a segmented body and ears on her
thorax?
Sabrina– No.
Drell– Wanna bet?
He picks up the glass jar containing Jenny, the grasshopper,
and sticks it in front of Sabrina’s face.
Zelda– Oh dear.
Sabrina– Jenny? What did you do to her!
Drell– I turned her into a grasshopper.
Hilda– Why?
Drell– Ah it’s either that or a katydid
Sabrina– Well you’re going to turn her back right? I mean
you’re not going to leave her like that?
Drell– Wrong! The rules are very clear on what happens to
mortals who cross over into this realm, and as you know,
rules are rules.
Sabrina– What rules? I wanna see these rules.
Drell– (Calling) Oh Rule-bearer!
A small, brunet witch appears carrying a box appears with a
scroll tucked under her arm. She puts the box on the floor
and stands on it before opening the scroll. Drell takes a seat.
Rule-bearer– Hear ye, hear ye. The rules of the realm.
(Reading) Rule number one: No spitting. Rule number two:
All giants must wipe their feet before entering the…
Drell– (Interrupting) Okay just skip to the part about
mortals.
The Rule-bearer drops the end of the scroll which falls to the
floor and unravels. She flips the scroll through her hands for
a while until she’s about halfway through its length.
Rule-bearer– (Reading) Rule number seven hundred and
fourteen: Any mortal who passes into this realm shall be
transformed into a creepy crawly thing.
Drell– That’s the rule. Here’s your friend. The jar is yours to
keep.
Sabrina– I can’t believe this. Aunt Zelda?
Zelda– Oh honey don’t cry.
Sabrina– But poor Jenny.
Rule-bearer– Er no really, don’t cry. Rule number five
hundred and fifty-five: No blubbering.
Sabrina– Look I just want to be alone.
She holds Jenny’s jar to herself and leaves.
Hilda– (Calling after) Oh Sabrina!
Zelda– Let her go. They need to redefine their friendship.
Ext. The Other Realm. Limbo. Sabrina limbo’s in with the jar
and sits on the stone bench.
Sabrina– Oh Jenny, what have I done? Your parents are
going to be so mad at me. I can’t believe I dragged you into
my weirdness. Look, just so you know, I really did want to
tell you my secret. Which, I guess at this point, is obvious.
Surprise, I’m a witch, but it’s not as much fun as you’d think.
I mean all I wanted to do was spend one normal night at my
house. You know, one night to have a sleep-over, eat a little
pop-corn, play some board-games. Was that so much to ask?
Jenny– Chirp!
Sabrina– I’ll take that chirp as a yes. And anyway, I just
wanted to say I’m sorry. Huh sorry, how lame is that, I mean
you’re a grasshopper. Sorry isn’t enough.
Jenny– Chirp!
Sabrina– You know, I know this won’t make it up to you
but…
She gets up and pluck a leaf from the miniature orange tree.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Jenny, d’ya wanna leaf?
The Rule-bearer enters ducking below the limbo bar.
Rule-bearer– Oh excuse me, I didn’t know you were in
here. Do you mind if I smoke? It’s only bubbles.
Sabrina– Go ahead.
Rule-bearer– Oh I’ve been trying to quit but my job is so
stressful.
She blows on her clay pipe producing lots of soapy bubbles.
Sabrina– Stress? Tell me about it.
Rule-bearer– I’m sorry about the rules. I don’t make them
up, I only read them and personally I think seven-fourteen
stinks. I mean what is so bad about mortals?
Sabrina– Nothing. Especially Jenny, she was the coolest.
Rule-bearer– So er, why not find a loop-hole?
Sabrina– There are loop-holes?
Rule-bearer– Yeah, don’t you know the rule?
Sabrina– What rule?
Rule-bearer– I’m off duty but er. Rule number eight
hundred and three: For every rule, there is a loop-hole. In
fact there are more loop-holes than rules.
Sabrina– So there’s a chance I can save Jenny?
Rule-bearer– Yeah, but not for another five minutes. I’ve
gotta finish my bubbles.
Int. The Other Realm. Drell’s gym. Sabrina enters clutching
the rules scroll. The Rule-bearer follows with Jenny in her jar.
Sabrina– It’s not over yet, listen up. (Reading) Mortals
without conscious knowledge of the realm may pass in and
out of it freely. Loop-hole!
Zelda– But Jenny already has conscious knowledge.
Sabrina– So we get rid of the conscious part.
Hilda– We knock her out?
Sabrina– No. We convince her she’s having a dream. Then
she can leave.
Drell– No she can’t
Rule-bearer– Yes she can. I have it in writing.
Drell– Oh tooth-picks!
Rule-bearer– Sorry. Rules are rules but loop-holes are loop-
holes.
Drell– Well okay, give it a try.
He points at Jenny’s jar and in a flash she’s back in her
human form and slightly bewildered.
Jenny– Hey Sabrina, you’re here.
Sabrina– No I’m not and neither are you.
She starts waving her hands and arms about in front of
Jenny.
Sabrina– (Cont.) You’re having a dre-e-e-a-a-a-m.
Jenny– It doesn’t seem like it. It seems like you’re just
making swishy arm motions.
Sabrina– (To her aunts) Help me out here would you?
Zelda starts copying Sabrina’s swishy arm motions.
Zelda– But you are dreaming Jenny.
Hilda starts waving the giant foot thick apple she’s been
chewing on in front of Jenny.
Hilda– Oh look at the size of this fruit.
Sabrina– And now you have to have a test.
She magic’s up a school desk and chair. Zelda pushes her
over towards it.
Jenny– A test! Well what’s it on? I haven’t studied.
Zelda– Invertebrate zoo-ology.
Hilda– Better get to work.
Jenny picks up the test sheet.
Jenny– (Reading) ‘The cuttlefish and the nautilus, compare
and contrast’ But I don’t even know what any of these are
and my pen? Where’s my pen?
Hilda– Eaaay!
Sabrina– Times up! You failed!
She rips up the test sheet.
Jenny– But I just started!
Sabrina– You’ve been working for hours, and now look! Your
dead Grandfather. Come here quick!
She pulls Jenny over to Drell’s tread-mill.
Sabrina– Get on this, run to him!
As Jenny starts to run Sabrina switches on the tread-mill
leaving Jenny running on the spot.
Jenny– Grandpa! Grandpa! (To Sabrina) I’m running as fast
as I can but I’m not getting any closer.
Sabrina– That’s because it’s a dre-e-e-e-a-a-a-m.
She starts with the swishy arms once more.
Jenny– Well maybe it is a dream.
She stops running and comes off the tread-mill.
Jenny– (Cont.) But there’s still something missing.
Sabrina– What?
Jenny– Jack Wagner. He’s in all my dreams.
Sabrina– There he is.
She points and by the time Jenny looks sure enough Jack
Wagner is stood wondering what the hell just happened.
Jenny– Jack! You made it.
She runs and jumps into his arms.
Jack Wagner– Well where am I?
Jenny– In my dream.
Jack Wagner– This all seems so real.
Jenny– Well I’m a pretty visual person. Like remember the
time you rescued me from the evil King Herbert and we got
married at Stonehenge?
Jack Wagner– No, not really.
He puts Jenny down.
Jenny– But how could you forget? You promised to love me
for ever and ever.
Sabrina– Jenny, get a grip. (To Jack) Bye Jack.
She points and Jack is gone back to wherever he had been.
Jenny– Don’t go Jack! Don’t go!
Hilda– You could try running after him.
Jenny– Oh that never gets me anywhere. I don’t like this
dream anymore, I wanna wake up.
Sabrina– If you wanna wake up, you have to go to sleep.
Jenny– That makes no sense.
Sabrina– Well that’s because it’s a dre-e-e-e-e-a-a-a-a-m.
It’s swishy arm time again and when Jenny turns to Sabrina’s
aunts she finds their arms swishing also.
Jenny– Maybe I do need a nap.
Zelda– You’re very sleepy
Sabrina– Very sleepy.
Hilda yawns widely and Jenny catches it and curls up on the
floor for a nap.
Sabrina– (Whispering) It worked.
Drell– WAKE UP!
Rule-bearer– Shh! (Whispering) Rule number forty-two: Let
sleeping mortals lie.
Sabrina– Too bad Drell. Looks like I win this round.
Rule-bearer– Ha!
She and Sabrina shake hands.
Drell– You tiny little witches are so annoying.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The sleeping form of Jenny
floats out of the linen closet followed by Sabrina and her
aunts.
Zelda– I tell you what, next week you can go to Jenny’s
house.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Jenny floats in and over to the bed.
Sabrina– Do you know what I regret?
Zelda– What?
Sabrina– Not getting Jack Wagner’s autograph.
Hilda– Okay, now gently put her on the bed.
They point at Jenny and slowly lower her.
Sabrina– Yes! We did it.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina comes down the stairs still in
her nightie followed by her aunts.
Sabrina– That was close.
Zelda– See? Everything turned out fine.
But it’s a good job Jenny’s fast asleep upstairs or she would
have thought she was dreaming to see two brains in glass
jars, a repairman with a tail and a Lint-Gremlin playing
Monopoly on the kitchen table with a cat. Especially when the
cat speaks.
Salem– At last! Marvin Gardens is mine. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Irwin– It’s just luck. You know having a brain doesn’t help
at all in this game.
Hilda– Linty, did you eat my pie?
The Lint-Gremlin nods with a smile.
Sabrina– Yep! It’s just another normal night at the
Spellman’s
Int. Spellman kitchen. The next morning. Sabrina’s sat at the
table in her dressing gown having breakfast as Jenny comes
down stairs.
Jenny– Morning.
Sabrina– Morning. Did you sleep okay?
Jenny– Like a rock except I had the freakiest dream last
night and you were in it.
Sabrina– Really?
Jenny– U-hu. I went to another dimension and a giant witch
named Drell turned me into a grasshopper.
Sabrina– Sounds scary?
Jenny– Yeah, but fortunately Jack Wagner saved me.
Sabrina– Jack Wagner saved you? You’re sure I didn’t save
you?
Jenny– I don’t think so but it was fun. I wish bizarre stuff
like that could happen all the time.
She pours a glass of orange and doesn’t see the Lint-Gremlin
pop up behind the counter and run off into the living room.
Sabrina– Yeah but then again you might not appreciate it as
much as you think.
Ext. The Other Realm. Drell’s gym. The Rule-bearer sits in
the exercise tree with her scroll.
Rule-bearer– (Reading) Rule number fifty-six: All witches
must eat their carrots.
Run credits.
Rule-bearer– (Cont.) Rule number fifty-seven: Bats may
not be kept as pets. Rule number fifty-eight: Not using
double negatives will be disallowed. Rule number fifty-nine:
All children under ten must be accompanied by monkeys.
Rule number sixty: No switching channels between
programmes. Rule number sixty-one: All rules must have a
beginning, a middle and an end, except… Is that it? I don’t
get that one.
Trial By Fury
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Trial By Fury
Written By – Nell Scovell & Norma Safford Vela
Transcribed By – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Shelly – Kathy Ireland
Mr. Rothwell – Ed Begley, Jr.
Judge Samuels – Henry Gibson
Clifford – Bumper Robinson
Gordie – Curtis Andersen
Arresting Officer – Sean Laughton
Judge – Steve Bannos
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Ext. Spellman back yard. Sabrina approaches the back door
but becomes concerned and cautious.
Hilda– E-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-ya!
Mexican music can be heard as Sabrina reaches the door and
is able to see in. Her aunts have finally flipped. They are both
dressed in colourful Mexican dresses dancing round the
kitchen shaking maracas. Hilda wears a wide sombrero as
does Salem.
Sabrina– Yep, this is were I live.
She enters.
Int. Spellman kitchen. The music and dancing continues as
Sabrina enters.
Salem– I-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yie!
Sabrina– Hey.
Zelda– Sabrina, you’re home.
Hilda– Just in time for our Cinco de Mayo celebration.
Sabrina– Cinco de Mayo? It was just El new years.
Zelda– We know but while the rest of New England is
complaining about the weather, we are turning up the heat
with a little south of the boarder fiesta.
Hilda– Crispy flouchets?
Sabrina– No gracias. You guys are weird.
Salem– Well excuse us for having fun.
Zelda– We were going to ask you to join us.
Hilda– But if you’re too up-tight?
Sabrina– Don’t say that. There’s nothing worse than when
your parents call you up-tight.
Hilda– Come on, loosen up. You know you want to wear a
sombrero.
She points and Sabrina joins the El bandidos gang with a
wide sombrero colour co-ordinated to match her top.
Zelda– Now try an Ole!
Sabrina– Ole! Hey that was sorta fun. Alright, I’m in.
She picks up a tortilla.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Where’s the salsa?
Salem– Over here but it’s kinda spicy.
Sabrina– I think I can handle it cat.
She dips, she tastes, she screams. Flames shoot three feet
from her mouth as she does.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
She dives for the water faucet fanning her mouth..
Hilda– Hm, it feels warmer in here already.
Run opening credits.
Int. Westbridge High School. Math class. Mr. Rothwell writes
a formula on the chalkboard. He wears a surgical glove on his
right hand for the purpose.
Mr. Rothwell– So, ‘R’ equals seven plus eleven over two, or
nine… <Atchoo!> And ‘r’ equals seven minus eleven over
two, or minus two. <Atchoo!> That’s it, I’ve reached my
chalk limit for the day.
He takes off the glove and throws it in the waste basket.
Sabrina raises her hand.
Mr. Rothwell– <Atchoo!> What is it Sabrina?
Sabrina– I have a question?
Mr. Rothwell– I know that. That’s why I said ‘What is it
Sabrina?’
Sabrina– Well in that problem the roots turn out to be round
numbers but what if the roots turn out to be irrational?
Mr. Rothwell– Irrational? You mean like teenage girls? Just
express those roots in radical form.
Sabrina– You mean as fraction?
Mr. Rothwell– Didn’t you read the text book?
Sabrina– Yeah but it’s kinda confusing.
Mr. Rothwell– Well let’s find out who’s confused and who
isn’t by having a little test tomorrow.
The whole class groan.
Mr. Rothwell– (Cont.) And you can all thank Sabrina for it.
The school-bell rings and they all glare at Sabrina on their
way out.
Sabrina– I was just trying to learn!
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem is lay on the bed reading. The
phone rings beside him. He answers.
Salem– Ye-ello?
Shelly– Salem?
Salem– Speaking.
Shelly– This is Shelly.
Salem– Shelly?!
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda works on her computer as
Salem pads down the stairs.
Salem– Zelda, you’ll never guess who called. I’ll give you a
hint. Shelly.
Zelda– Shelly? Your ex-girlfriend? The one who left you?
Salem– She didn’t leave me! She just needed some time by
herself.
Zelda– Two decades?
Salem– Three, but and I repeat but by the sound of her
voice, I’d say she has crawling back on her mind.
Zelda– I see. Did you happen to mention that you’re a cat
now?
Salem– Is it that noticeable?
Lightning flashes and with the inevitability of thunder
following lightning, thunder follows.
Zelda– Oh not again. (Calling) Hilda, stop that!
Hilda enters from the dining room with her violin.
Hilda– It wasn’t me.
There’s another crash of thunder before Sabrina storms in
through the back door with a face like… well thunder.
Zelda– Sabrina?
Hilda– What’s wrong?
Sabrina– Mr. Rothwell’s giving us a huge math test
tomorrow. So now I have to go and memorise formulas like
‘X’ equals why me?!
She stomps off towards the stairs and waves her finger at
the ceiling. Another deafening crash of thunder reverberates
around the kitchen.
Zelda– (Calling after) You watch that finger young lady!
Int. Westbridge High School. Library. Harvey sits at a table
reading up on what mitosis is in his biology book while
Sabrina works through equations in readiness for her test.
Sabrina– Negative ‘B’ plus or minus the square-root of ‘B’
squared minus four ‘A’ ‘C’ over two ‘A’
Harvey– (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny. Funky song.
Funky song.
Shake your whammy fanny…
Sabrina– (Interrupting) Harvey!
Harvey– What?
Sabrina– You’re singing the funky song. Now it’s going to be
stuck in my head during the whole test.
Harvey– Sorry. I didn’t even know I was doing it.
Sabrina– Well I’m really nervous so please don’t sing.
Harvey– Okay.
Sabrina– Negative ‘B’ plus or minus the square-root of ‘B’…
(To Harvey) I hear you thinking it.
Harvey– I can’t think it?
Sabrina– Not while I’m studying.
Harvey– Can I at least finish this verse?
Sabrina– Yeah, but hurry up.
Sabrina taps her pen impatiently against her fingers as
Harvey quickly runs through the verse of the funky song
mouthing the words and bobbing his head.
Harvey– Okay. Done.
Sabrina– Good. Negative ‘B’ plus or minus the square-root
of… I hate Rothwell!
Harvey– Look Sabrina, you know this stuff. You know you
know it, you just have to relax.
Sabrina– I can’t. Do you see this?
She points at herself.
Sabrina– (Cont.) This is me freaking out. Okay now please
can I just study?
Harvey– I promise, I wont make a noise.
He gets back to his mitosis but has come to the end of the
page. Very carefully and quietly he slowly starts to turn the
page. Sabrina glances up at him.
Sabrina– You can turn the page.
He looks up and flips the page over.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina heads for class and comes
across Gordie desperately trying to make sense of his math
notes.
Sabrina– Gordie, hurry!
She links her arm through his and guides him towards class.
Gordie– Wait! How do I find the slope of a line?
Sabrina– Oh that’s easy, you just… I lost it! The slope
slipped.
Gordie– If only we had more time.
That gives Sabrina an idea. with a point everyone freezes as
time stands still. Sabrina takes her time to seat herself cross
legged on the floor.
Sabrina– Much better.
She opens up her text book and looks up the equation.
Sabrina– (Reading) ‘M’ equals dah-de-dah, d-dah da. I knew
that!
She stack her books and gets back to her feet. She looks
around at all the statue like students and does a quick dance.
Sabrina– (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny.
Then she stands beside the still figure of Gordie before
cancelling her stop-time spell.
Sabrina– Okay, it’s ‘M’ equals ‘Y’ sub two minus ‘Y’ sub one
over ‘X’ sub two minus ‘X’ sub one.
Gordie– You saved my life.
Sabrina– Thank me later. Right now move! Move! Move!
Move!
She grabs his arm and the run for the class room.
Int. Math class. Mr. Rothwell stands at the door looking at his
watch.
Mr. Rothwell– Five.
Sabrina and Gordie run in and head for their seats.
Mr. Rothwell– (Cont.) Four. Three. Two.
He pushes the door too right in Emma’s face.
Mr. Rothwell– (Cont.) ‘F’
Sabrina– (To Gordie) Poor Emma.
Gordie– I think she stopped to help that girl in the wheel-
chair.
Mr. Rothwell stands at the door gloating through the glass at
poor Emma.
Mr. Rothwell– Too late. Bye-bye.
Emma walks off dejected. Mr. Rothwell turns and starts
handing out test papers.
Mr. Rothwell– (To the class) All right let’s get started. The
test consists of fifteen questions for a possible one hundred
points. The first five are worth nine points; the next five
eight points; the last five are little three pointers. You may
begin.
Sabrina turns back from handing the test papers to Gordie
behind her and manages to knock her pencil onto the floor.
She tries to reach for it but it’s rolled a little too far and as
she stretches she topples from her chair.
Mr. Rothwell– (Cont.) What was that?
Sabrina quickly stands up.
Sabrina– I dropped my pencil.
Mr. Rothwell– Oh please, I know what’s going on here, you
were leaning over to look at your neighbours test.
Sabrina– No! I-I…
Mr. Rothwell– (Interrupting) That’s it! Come sit at my desk,
you’ll take the test there. Then I wont have to worry about
you cheating.
He takes Sabrina’s test paper and leads her to the front of
the class and makes her sit facing the rest of the students.
Sabrina– But I’ve never cheated on a test in my life.
Mr. Rothwell– Then this should be no problem.
Sabrina looks down at her test paper.
Sabrina– (Thinking) Okay, get to work. Negative ‘B’ plus or
minus…
But Harvey’s voice interferes with her thoughts.
Imaginary Harvey– (Singing) Funky song. Funky song.
Sabrina– (Thinking) Harvey! Why do I study with Harvey?
Because he’s cute. I wonder if we’ll get married? No-no-no!
Pay attention. Negative ‘B’ plus or minus… I hate Rothwell! I
hate Rothwell!
Mr. Rothwell spins round and stares at Sabrina.
Sabrina– (Cont.)(Thinking) Oh no! Can he hear me think?
I’ve gotta relax, can’t tense up.
The sound of pencils scratching on papers catches her
attention.
Sabrina– (Cont.)(Thinking) Why is everyone writing so loud?
Why did Napoleon want to rule by himself? No! Math, stick to
math.
She glances up at the clock, it’s 2:20.
Sabrina– (Cont.)(Thinking) You know this stuff. You can do
this. Negative ‘B’…
The school-bell rings. Sabrina looks up at the clock again, it’s
3:10.
Sabrina– What!
Mr. Rothwell– Pencils down, times up.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina’s doing a bit of cooking. A
little recipe she found in her magic book.
Sabrina– (Reading) …Then add one macadamia nut and he
will have an expanding butt.
She throws a nut into the bubbling cauldron with a happy
smile on her face. There’s a whomph and a billow of steam.
Hilda runs in from the living room.
Hilda– What’s going on? I heard an explosion! Oh, you’re
just making soup.
Sabrina– No, I’m stirring up a little revenge for Mr. Rothwell.
Hilda– What happened?
Sabrina– It was so humiliating. He made me take the test in
front of the whole class.
Hilda– Like some sort of zoo monkey?
Sabrina– Yeah. (With sign language) Co-Co hate teacher
man. (Normal) Anyway I know I flunked. So I’m giving him
an expanding butt until I can find the perfect revenge spell.
Hilda– Well you know nothing says ‘Pay-back’ like (Reading)
‘Just desserts’
Sabrina– (Reading) ‘The spell that guarantees he’ll get
what’s coming to him’
Hilda– But it’s only to be used as a last resort. You might
want to try and deal with him the mortal way first.
Sabrina– You mean tepee his house?
Hilda– No. Talk to him.
Sabrina– I don’t want to. You talk to him.
Int. Westbridge High School Math class. Mr. Rothwell sits at
his desk marking test papers as Hilda enters.
Hilda– Mr. Rothwell?
Mr. Rothwell– Yeah.
Hilda– Hi, I’m Hilda Spellman, Sabrina’s aunt. I wanted to
talk to you about the test she took today.
Mr. Rothwell– Excellent timing, I’ve just finished correcting
them. I’ll find hers.
Hilda– Oh thanks. See she’s upset because she thinks she’s
failed but I know she didn’t because she’s very bright and
she studied so hard…
Mr. Rothwell– (Interrupting) She got an ‘F’
Hilda– That’s impossible. Are you sure you added it up right?
Mr. Rothwell– Miss Spellman, I’m a math teacher but feel
free to double check.
He gets up from his desk to put the marked papers away and
shows off an inordinately large butt. Hilda stifles a giggle.
Mr. Rothwell– (Cont.) There were fifteen questions. The
first five were worth forty points, the next five worth forty-
five and the last five were worth fifteen. Sabrina got two of
the biggies, three of the middies and one of the babies for a
grand total of forty-five points. What percent of a hundred?
Hilda– Oh! I-er… Fifteen questions. One hundred points.
Thirty-two. I have no idea!
Mr. Rothwell– Forty-five percent! Jeez, no wonder she
failed.
Hilda– Oh! But I didn’t have a chance to study for this
meeting.
Int. Spellman kitchen. The number two cauldron is out on the
kitchen table and Hilda stirs the brew as Sabrina adds the
spell ingredients.
Hilda– More lizards leg and don’t skimp on the owlet’s wing.
Sabrina– Let’s put in this jar of cocktail onions that have
been in the fridge forever.
Hilda– Yeah!
Zelda comes down stairs.
Zelda– What smells so sweet?
Hilda– Revenge.
Sabrina– It’s time to teach Mr. Rothwell a lesson.
Zelda– With a number two cauldron? It can’t be that serious.
Hilda– It is.
Sabrina– Keep stirring!
Zelda– Wait, there’s been a breakdown in communication. I
will go talk to him as physicist to algebra teacher and we will
work this out logically, and no-one seeks vengeance until I
get back.
Zelda leaves.
Sabrina– (To Hilda) Can I at least make his butt a little
bigger?
Hilda– As big as you want it to be.
Sabrina reaches for the macadamia nuts.
Int. Westbridge High School Math class. Zelda sits at one of
the students desks as she talks to Mr. Rothwell. She has to
concentrate very hard not to be distracted by his huge butt.
Zelda– I wanted to discuss this rationally but you’re making
it hard.
Mr. Rothwell– Hey! She failed the test, what do you want
me to do about it?
Zelda– But the circumstances were unfair!
Mr. Rothwell– Look, if it makes you feel better, you can
blame this on me but I think we both know these problems
start at home.
Zelda– What problems?
Mr. Rothwell– Hey, if the kid can’t master the quadratic
equation that says to me, dysfunctional family.
Zelda– We function just fine!
Mr. Rothwell– Tell it to her social worker. Now, if you’ll
excuse me, I have to get to the gym.
He grabs his jacket and leaves.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hubble bubble, Mr. Rothwell’s in
trouble. The kitchen tables been shifted to make room for the
number ten cauldron that smokes and bubbles ominously.
Lightning flashes across the night sky of Westbridge as the
coven circle the cauldron. They are all in formal dress, black,
flowing, lacy dresses, black hats, elaborate and pointed. They
all take hold of the large wooden spoon and begin to stir the
pot.
Sabrina– This is so great. Thank you so much for backing
me up.
Zelda– Well you were one hundred percent right about this
guy.
Hilda– Please, no percentages.
Sabrina– Is it revenge yet?
Zelda dips her finger in the cauldron and has a taste.
Zelda– Mmm! It’s really spiteful. Let’s finish the spell. Hilda,
you do the honours.
Hilda starts to wave her hands over the pot.
Hilda– Adder’s fork and blind worms sting…
The other two witches join in the hand motions.
Hilda– (Cont.) Lizards leg and owlets wing. For a charm of
powerful trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble. Take it away
Sabrina!
Sabrina– Fair is foul and foul is fair, hover through fog and
filthy air.
Zelda gestures over the cauldron and with a hiss a huge
billow of smoke fills the room a dissipates.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Now what?
Zelda– Wait and see.
She and Hilda laugh in that way that only a witch can as
another flash of lightning and crash of thunder breaches the
night sky.
Sabrina– You cackled! This is gonna be so cool.
Int. Westbridge High School Math class. Sabrina sits at her
desk and talks to Gordie behind her.
Gordie– Wierd, Rothwell is never late. Maybe he called in
sick or maybe he had car trouble.
Sabrina– Or maybe the earth yawned and swallowed him
up.
Gordie gives her a funny look.
Sabrina– (Cont.) It could happen.
Mr. Rothwell enters.
Gordie– Oh tooth-picks!
Mr. Rothwell– I am late! For the first time in my life!
Because I’ve been the victim of a great injustice.
Sabrina– (Under her breath) Yes!
Mr. Rothwell– I got a speeding ticket.
Sabrina– (Under her breath) A speeding ticket?
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina sits around the table with her
aunts.
Sabrina– Three witches and a number ten cauldron and the
best we could do was a stupid speeding ticket?
Hilda– Maybe the lizards leg wasn’t fresh. I thought it
smelled funny.
Sabrina– Great! Rothwell’ll probably just go to court and
weasel out of it.
Zelda– Court! The spell is working. He’ll find his just desserts
there.
Hilda– Let’s go early and get good seats.
Zelda– And don’t worry, justice will be served.
Sabrina– Oh yeah? Then how come his butt deflated?
A car horn beeps in the kitchen and a red convertible sports-
car drives past the kitchen table. Three witches don’t bat an
eye. Salem is driving it and it’s just his size.
Salem– What do ya think? A red Lamborgini. This has to
impress my ex-girlfriend Shelly.
Hilda– Sure! Now all you have to do is lose the paws, the
whiskers and the fur.
Salem– Hey, so what if I’m a cat? This car says I’ve got it
going on!
He drives off.
Int. Westbridge courthouse. Mr. Rothwell sits in court waiting
for his case to come up while another defendant pleads his
own case.
Clifford– It’s a travesty of justice sir! I mean I know red, red
is the colour of rage! And that light was not red, it was
yellow. Yellow as the sunshine.
Judge– Well in light of your flowery prose and the fact that
the arresting officer didn’t show I’ll cut your fine in half.
Clifford– Half?! Sir, half an injustice is still an injustice!
Judge– Case closed. This court is in recess.
He bangs his gavel and heads for his chambers. Mr. Rothwell
springs to his feet.
Mr. Rothwell– Wait, come back here!
But the judge is gone.
Mr. Rothwell– (Cont.) I want that judge, he was easy.
Clifford– Mr. Rothwell?
Mr. Rothwell– Do I know you?
Clifford– Well of course you wouldn’t recognise me. I mean
not without tears streaming down my face like a harsh,
unforgiving rain. I’m Clifford Weaver, your former algebra
student.
Mr. Rothwell– Wait! You’re a novelist now. You wrote ‘Rage
against the system’ I loved that book. It was full of hate.
Sabrina enters the court with her aunts.
Sabrina– There’s Mr. Rothwell.
A crash of thunder and the flickering of lightning shows round
the chambers door jam and oddly only the witches notice.
Hilda– Oh! I think that’s for us.
Int. Judges chambers. Hilda leads in the little procession to
find sitting among the shelves of dusty law books a chest
freezer.
Hilda– Either that’s part of the spell or the bailiff keeps
steaks.
Zelda– I bet that’s our judge.
Sabrina– In the refrigerator?
Hilda– Yes. Witch judges take turns in the deep freeze to
prevent media bias.
There’s a label tied to the freezer, Hilda reads it.
Hilda– (Cont.) For example, Judge Samuels has been in here
since nineteen fifty-six.
Sabrina– Wow! A man untouched by CNN.
Hilda opens the freezer and a white haired, bespectacled,
frost coated judge in full robes sits up.
Judge Samuels– Now that’s a good nights sleep.
He climbs out of the freezer.
Hilda– Hi Judge Samuels. Here’s the deal. We are…
Judge Samuels– (Interrupting) Shh! Not a word. I must
stay pure for the law. Just a cup of cocoa and I’m in
business.
He holds out his hand and points at it with his other. A cup of
hot cocoa appears and he drinks.
Int. Westbridge courthouse. Judge Samuels enters followed
by Sabrina and her aunts. He sits behind the bench and they
take seats around the prosecution table. Mr. Rothwell looks
across at them. Judge Samuels bangs his gavel.
Judge Samuels– Guilty! Order! One more outburst like that
and I’ll… All right, I’m ready.
The bailiff slides a charge sheet across to him.
Judge Samuels– (Cont.) The court is in session. (Reading)
Jeremy Rothwell?
Mr. Rothwell stands.
Judge Samuels– (Cont.) You are charged with violating
vehicular code. Section sixteen dash four, driving at an
unsafe speed. How do you plead?
Mr. Rothwell– Not guilty.
Judge Samuels– You are also charged with violation of the
existential code. Section sixty-three dash ‘B’ Multiple counts
of being mean and unfair. How do you plead?
Mr. Rothwell– What is this? I never heard of an existential
code.
Judge Samuels– You have to read the fine print. How do
you plead?
Mr. Rothwell– Not guilty.
Sabrina– Ha!
Judge Samuels– Plea entered. Strike the ‘Ha!’ The
prosecution may present it’s case. Are the people present?
Hilda and Zelda stand.
Hilda– We’re the people.
Sabrina– We are? Cool!
She stands also.
Mr. Rothwell– Sabrina! What are you doing here?
Sabrina– Didn’t you hear? We’re the people.
Judge Samuels– Proceed.
Zelda– Thank you your honour. The people would like to call
as their first witness…
She basically hasn’t a clue who she wants to call but knows it
will come to her in a second. And it does in the form of a
sheet of paper appearing on the table in front of her.
Zelda– (Cont.) Ah! (Reading) Clifford Weaver.
There’s a gasp from the public gallery as the novelist stands
and makes his way to the witness box.
Int. Spellman bathroom. Salem sits at the sink gargling and
then spits the mouth-wash into the sink.
Salem– Mmm, minty fresh for m’lady.
He glances in the mirror.
Salem– (Cont.) I’d be more nervous if I weren’t so good
lookin’
Int. Westbridge Courthouse. Clifford is still giving evidence.
Clifford– …And yes, he failed me. But I mean listen to those
words. He-failed-me. Throw the book at him judge.
Zelda– Thank you Clifford.
Mr. Rothwell– Your honour, I’d like to cross-examine this
witness.
Judge Samuels– Well then proceed.
Mr. Rothwell– Clifford, you wrote the book ‘Rage against
the system’ Correct?
Clifford– Correct.
Mr. Rothwell– And isn’t it true that the ‘New York Times’
picked you as the best of a new bread of angry young
writers?
Clifford– I resent that moniker but yes.
Mr. Rothwell– But what made you angry, Clifford? Was it
your mother holding your hand? Was it the librarian patting
your head? Or was it me? I gave you that anger, I spoon fed
you that rage, I made you what you are today. You should
thank me!
Clifford– You never helped me! That’s a lie!
Mr. Rothwell– No further questions.
Clifford– I-I’ve never been so angry in my life… That’s my
second novel!
He hurries from the witness box to get to his typewriter
before the inspiration fades.
Sabrina– (To Zelda) Quick, call another witness.
Zelda– The people call…
She waits for another sheet of paper to appear. It does.
Zelda– (Reading) The arresting officer.
There’s another ‘Oooh! from the public gallery as the
handsome young traffic cop takes the stand. This time Hilda
gets to play Perry Mason.
Hilda– So he was speeding?
Arresting Officer– Definitely.
Hilda– And was he mean?
Arresting Officer– Mean?
Hilda– Mean! Disagreeable? Unkind? Naveish? Mean?
Arresting Officer– Well he threw his registration at me.
Then he muttered under his breath ‘What a jerk!’ But I heard
him, I have really good ears.
Hilda– And lovely eyes.
Zelda– Thank you!
Hilda stops flirting with the witness and glares at Zelda.
Zelda– (Cont.) No further questions. The people call our next
witness.
Another sheet of paper appears.
Zelda– (Reading) Sabrina Spellman.
The public gallery goes ‘Ooooh!’ and Sabrina stands to take
the witness box.
A little later.
Sabrina– Well normally I don’t like to say bad things about
people but as I am under oath. Mr. Rothwell’s completely
unfair. He doesn’t like kids, he doesn’t like math, he doesn’t
like teaching and he doesn’t like chalk.
Judge Samuels– These are very serious charges. Have you
any proof?
Sabrina– I could call my friend Gordie.
Judge Samuels– Proof! Proof! Any proof?
Sabrina– It doesn’t exist. Mr. Rothwell’s unfairness lies only
in the hearts and minds of those students whose love of
math he has destroyed.
Judge Samuels– Including yours Sabrina?
Sabrina– It’s too early to tell but there is a chance that for
the rest of my life I will fear math. I will sweat every time I
have to calculate a tip. I will put off balancing my cheque-
book. I will play blackjack but I will not understand it.
Judge Samuels– If you understood it, you wouldn’t play it.
Thank you, you may step down. (To Zelda) Counsellor, are
there any other witnesses?
Zelda– The people rest.
Judge Samuels– Would the defendant like to make a
closing statement?
Mr. Rothwell– Yes I would. Your honour, I’m not a baby-
sitter. I’m paid to teach math and that is what I do. Yes I
could be more sensitive but let’s face it. The world is full of
people like me. People who chose favourites. People who
don’t accept excuses. People who are ‘Unfair’ Well life is
unfair and I’m just helping my students to get used to that.
Judge Samuels– Mr. Rothwell, just one last question. Do
you intend to teach high school for the rest of your life?
Mr. Rothwell– Are you kidding? I’m just doing this until I
can start up my own software company.
Judge Samuels– Thank you. Well I will return with my
decision and a fresh cup of cocoa.
Int. Spellman living room. Salem is making sure everything
is just right for his big date.
Salem– Flowers. Soft lights. What’s missing? Oops! Almost
forgot.
He jumps down from the back of the settee and bounds
across to the stereo and hits the play button. Soft mood
music fills the air with plenty of sexy sax.
Salem– (Cont.) Oh yeah.
Int. Westbridge Courthouse. Judge Samuels returns with his
cup of cocoa.
Judge Samuels– I’ve reached my decision.
Mr. Rothwell stands.
Judge Samuels– (Cont.) With respect to existential code
violation this court finds you not guilty due to insufficient
evidence.
Mr. Rothwell smiles.
Judge Samuels– (Cont.) With respect to the vehicular code
violation the court finds you guilty as charged.
Mr. Rothwell– Oh nuts!
Judge Samuels– (Cont.) But we’ll wave the usual forty
dollars fine and instead sentence you to a lifetime of teaching
high school algebra.
Mr. Rothwell– What! That’s not fair!
The judge bangs his gavel.
Judge Samuels– Case closed.
Mr. Rothwell– No! Noooo! Oh noo!
A vortex of algebra books and pencils close in on him.
pressing tighter and tighter.
Mr. Rothwell– (Cont.) N-N-Noooo!
Two giant board dusters appear on either side of him and
clap together, erasing all his hopes.
Judge Samuels– This trial shall be stricken from all mortal
memory. Court is adjourned.
He bangs the gavel with finality.
Sabrina– (To her aunts) Wait a second, How can being
sentenced to teaching high school be sufficient punishment?
Zelda– Because it’s the worst thing Mr. Rothwell can
imagine.
Sabrina– But now kids are going to be stuck with him year
after year.
Zelda– Well whether he means to or not, he teaches a
valuable lesson.
Sabrina– Some people are just jerks?
Hilda– Yes, but if you study hard and you don’t let him get
to you, you will pass algebra and then you can forget it. But
he’s trapped in math forever.
Sabrina– So he did get his just desserts.
Hilda– M-hm! And now I think we should get frozen
desserts.
Int. Spellman living room. The mood is set. The saxophone
plays. The candles cast romantic shadows. In one of them
sits a figure in a suit. his trilby set at a suave angle. A black
cat sits by his shoulder. The door-bell rings.
Salem– The doors open.
Shelly enters. She’s gorgeous, long thick hair frames well
defined features. The satin dress shows off a figure to die for.
She looks around the candle lit room.
Shelly– Salem?
Salem– I don’t believe it. You look even more stunning than
the last time I saw you.
Shelly– It’s so good to see you too.
She goes over to give him a hug.
Salem– Don’t! Stay back.
Shelly– Why?
Salem– You said you wanted to talk, so let’s talk.
Shelly– You wanna talk? You have changed.
She sits on the settee crossing shapely legs that go on
forever.
Salem– You could say that.
Shelly– Is that your cat?
Salem– Huh! Er-er yes. They make incredible companions
you know. So, what’s on your mind?
Shelly– Us and how we broke up. See at the time I felt shut
out. You were so consumed with global conquest and I
resented taking a back seat to world domination. But here it
is, thirty years later and now I realise that you were the best
thing that ever happened to me.
Salem– Go on!
Shelly– I know it’s kinda sudden but I think we should give it
another try.
Salem– I don’t see why not. I care about you, you care
about me…
Shelly– (Interrupting) Enough words! Salem, hold me!
She lays back on the settee and closes he eyes.
Salem– Oh Shelly!
He leaps across into her lap and holds her. His claws jab
through the fine silk of her dress.
Shelly– Oh! Oh! Cat! Get off me!
She throws him off onto the settee as she stands and walks
across to the still figure in the chair.
Shelly– (Cont.) Salem!
Salem– I can explain.
The voice comes from behind her and she slowly turns to
look at the cat.
Shelly– Salem? Is that you?
Salem– Yes.
Shelly– You’re a cat?
Salem– …Technically.
Shelly– Who’s your friend?
She walks over a whips off Salem’s friends hat and starts to
beat the figure about the head with it.
Shelly– (Cont.) A mannequin! How long were you expecting
this to fool me?
Salem– Another thirty seconds.
Shelly– Oh!
Salem– Oh all right, look. I got caught and they sentenced
me to a hundred years as this.
Shelly– This is not what I had in mind.
Salem– We can work it out!
Shelly– Sorry cat, this is good-bye!
She grabs her coat and heads for the door.
Shelly– (Cont.) I loved you!
Salem– (Calling after) But I’m better now! I like to snuggle!
I have great night vision and I’m super, super clean!
The front door slams shut behind her.
Salem– (Cont.) It’s so unfair. <Sob!>
Int. Westbridge High School Library. Harvey and Sabrina sit
together studying.
Sabrina– …Which equals the square root of negative four or
two ‘I’ Got it! Perfect.
Harvey– You seem a lot more relaxed today.
Sabrina– Yeah well I decided I’m not going to let Rothwell
get to me. And you know I’m even feeling a little sorry for
him. Did you hear the financing fell through on his software
company?
Harvey– Have you noticed how big his butts got?
Sabrina– No. Okay, last problem. (Singing) Shake your
whammy fanny. Funky song. Funky song.
Sabrina and Harvey– (Singing) Shake your whammy fanny.
Fu-u-u-nky song.
Students– Shhh!
Sabrina– Sorry.
They continue studying silently but their heads keep bobbing
to the music only they can hear.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters. Salem is stretched
out on her windowsill
Run Credits.
Sabrina– Poor Salem. Are you going to be okay?
Salem– I guess, with time… No.
Sabrina– Don’t worry, you’ll be happy again soon.
Salem– Please! Shelly was the love of my life. What would
ever replace her in my heart?
Sabrina– Maybe this’ll help.
She points at the floor and Salem’s eyes light up.
Salem– A giant ball of yarn!
He leaps from the windowsill onto the ball.
Salem– Oh this is the best ever!
Sabrina– I thought you’d like it.
Salem– Like it? I don’t even remember her name!
Sabrina Through The Looking Glass
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Sabrina Through The Looking Glass
Written By – Nell Scovell
Transcribed By – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina/Anirbas – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda/Adlih – Caroline Rhea
Zelda/Adlez – Beth Broderick
Salem/Melas – Nick Bakay
Harvey/Yevrah – Nate Richert
Jenny/Ynnej – Michelle Beaudoin
Libby/Ybbil – Jenna Liegh Green
Brady Anderson – Brady Anderson
Drawoh – James D. Fields
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina is spending some quality
time with her aunts. Zelda and Sabrina are stood on their
heads on a matt. Hilda is just pretending.
Zelda– Now stretch and focus. Can you feel the blood
rushing to your brain?
Sabrina– No but I feel my lunch making a move.
She lowers her feet to the mat and sits. Hilda does the same.
Hilda– This is no fun!
Zelda– If you don’t enjoy yoga, you don’t have to do it.
Hilda– It’s easy for you to say, you’re winning.
Zelda– There is no winning and losing in yoga. It’s different
from other sports.
Sabrina– It’s more spiritual, and you can’t get hit in the face
with a ball.
Zelda– Now let’s move on to a meditation. Assume the lotus
position.
She hooks her right foot over her left thigh and her left foot
over her right thigh. Sabrina and Hilda don’t have the same
flexibility.
Hilda– Can we assume I’ve assumed the lotus position?
Zelda– Now let’s chant. Ommm!
Zelda, Sabrina and Hilda– Ommm!
Sabrina– Ummm what do we do now?
Zelda– We empty our minds.
Hilda– That I can do.
Zelda– Now release your burdens and lighten your load.
Sabrina closes her eyes and starts chanting again.
Sabrina– Ommm!
Her loads feeling pretty light as she starts to levitate above
her matt. Rising higher and higher.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Ommm!
Hilda– Zelda!
Zelda– What?
Sabrina reaches Nirvana with a thud.
Sabrina– Aw!
Well actually she has reached the ceiling and cracked her
head which is a pretty heavy burden. She plummets back
down to her matt and adds a bruised butt to her sore head.
Sabrina– (Cont.)(To Zelda) I thought you said this was low
impact?
Run opening credits.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s running late getting ready
for school. She throws her books in her nap-sack and turns
reaching for her science homework project. In her rush all
she manages to do is knock it off the desk onto the floor.
Sabrina– My biosphere! Just what I needed.
She bends and picks it up. as she straightens she brushes
her bangs out of her eyes and feels something.
Sabrina– (Cont.) What was that?
She walks over to the mirror feeling the fleshy lump on her
forehead and takes her hand away. A look of horror spreads
over her face and a scream echoes round the Spellman
house. The wart is huge and ugly.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Zelda does her daily correspondence
on her lap-top, Hilda sits at the table reading the morning
paper. Salem sits on the counter having breakfast.
Salem– Hilda. Would you be a love and check my stocks?
Sabrina clomps down the stairs loaded down with her nap-
sack, a purple carrier bag with her biosphere in it and a huge
wart on her forehead.
Sabrina– Not me! Not today!
Hilda– (To Zelda) She’s stomping already?
Sabrina– I don’t believe this. Look!
She points to her wart showing it to her aunts.
Sabrina– (To Salem) Look!
Salem– Whoa! Who’s your friend?
But rather than offering sympathy her aunts seem rather
pleased about it.
Zelda– It’s her first wart as a witch.
Hilda– Oh let me get the camera.
Sabrina– No! It’s gross. How did I get it? And how can I
make it go away?
Zelda– Usually they’re caused by stress. Just calm down and
it’ll disappear.
Sabrina– I’m calm. I’m calm.
She glances upwards.
Sabrina– It’s still there! I can see it. What am I gonna do?
Harvey and I are supposed to give a report on the rain-forest
today but I am not going to school like this.
Zelda– You can’t skip school because of a wart. It’s part of
being a witch.
Hilda– It happens to all of us. I once had one on the end of
my nose for a decade. Ha-ha!… Actually it wasn’t that funny,
I wanted to die. Just be glad you can cover yours with a
baseball cap.
Hilda points giving Sabrina the required cap.
Salem– Orioles? I didn’t know you were a baseball fan.
Hilda– I’m not, I’m a Brady Anderson fan. He is hot, I love
those side-burns.
Salem– Yeah, I may be a house pet but I totally see it.
Zelda– (To Sabrina) Now you’re all set. Off to school.
Sabrina– I feel like a balding middle-aged man… only more
bitter. Are you sure I can’t just make it a snow day?
Zelda– No!
Sabrina– But everything’s going wrong. Look, I even broke
my biosphere.
She pulls out the large, round plastic sphere that was
supossed to emmulate conditions in the South American rain-
forest but now resembled a jar of dirt.
Sabrina– (Cont.) And my magic wont fix it.
Zelda– Oh I bet it’s number seven plastic. It repells magic
and it can’t be recycled.
Sabrina– Great! Great! Great! Great!
Hilda– That’s the spirit.
Sabrina– I was being sarcastic!
She leaves for the school bus. Hilda turns to her sister with a
shrug.
Hilda– So was I.
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina’s bad day isn’t
getting any better. Her locker door is jammed and she tugs
at it angrily.
Sabrina– Oh great! Great! Great! Great!
Jenny arrives.
Jenny– Sabrina, I need your help. I have a burning question.
Sabrina– Now is not a good time, Jenny. I was supossed to
meet Harvey in the library five minutes ago, so can we talk
about it at lunch?
She doesn’t wait for an answer before hurrying off to the
library.
Jenny– (Calling after) Sure! I’ll just save my burning
question till then.
On her way to meet Harvey Sabrina passes Mr. Pool.
Mr. Pool– Oh good morning Sabrina. Hey you’re an Orioles
fan.
He points to her cap.
Sabrina– What? Oh yeah.
Mr. Pool– Oh love that Brady Anderson. Bet he hits another
fifty homers this year huh?
Sabrina– Wouldn’t that be great.
She goes on her way.
Sabrina– (Cont.)(Under her breath) Great! Great! Great!
Int. School Library. Sabrina arrives but there’s something
missing.
Sabrina– He’s not here. Great!
She sits down but doesn’t have to wait for long as Harvey
arrives almost instantly.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Where were you? I’ve been waiting.
Harvey– Sorry. My bus was late. Hey cool hat! I didn’t know
you liked the Orioles?
Sabrina– I do today.
Harvey– Well can I try it on?
He reaches for it but sabrina grabs it and jams it down over
her head and her wart.
Sabrina– No! Er okay. Let me show you what I made for our
project. Now first this biosphere was going to show how the
rain-forest is a perfect, self-suporting ecosystem… but I
dropped it. So now it shows the devastation caused by
greedy timber companies.
She puts her biosphere on the table between them.
Harvey– It’s just a jar o’ dirt.
Sabrina– It’s called de-forestation!
Harvey– Okay! Okay! Now I have something to show you.
He reaches down into his bag and starts rooting around.
Harvey– (Cont.) Just what our project needs. He’s the last of
the spider monkeys but you can call him…
He pulls up his hand to the edge of the table to show her the
cute glove-puppet monkey.
Harvey– (Cont.) Marty.
Marty– Hi Sabrina!
It’s actually Harvey who’s not a very good ventriloquist. You
can see his lips moving a mile away.
Sabrina– A puppet?
Harvey– See I think our message will be much stronger if
we give the tragedy of extinction a voice and a name.
Sabrina– Marty?
Harvey– We can change it. The point is he lives in the rain-
forest, he has credibility. Watch.
He gets down on his knees beside the table so he’s out of
site.
Marty– See my prehensile tail? It’s a feature found only in
new world monkeys.
Sabrina– I’m trying to like it.
Marty wiggles his head at her.
Sabrina– (Cont.) I’m making every effort.
Marty rocks from side to side very cutely.
Sabrina– (Cont.) I hate it.
Harvey– But it’s a guaranteed ‘A’! Mr. Pool’ll eat this up.
Sabrina– We’re sticking with the biosphere.
Harvey– You mean the jar o’ dirt.
Sabrina– It’s a biosphere!
Int. Science class. Sabrina and Harvey are presenting their
project.
Sabrina– As you pass the biosphere around I think you’ll see
what Sting is so upset about.
Libby– It’s just a jar of dirt!
Mr. Pool– That’s enough Libby. Sabrina, please continue
with your project.
Sabrina– That is the project. Huh! What’s the point?
Harvey– Yes! Um what’s the point… of the rain-forest? Well
it’s-it’s home to millions of insects, plants and animals
including the spider monkey.
He pulls Marty out from behind his back.
Marty– Did someone say spider monkey?
Harvey– Who are you?
Marty– I’m Marty, the rain-forest spokesmonkey.
Mr. Pool– Delightful!
Sabrina– (Under her breath) Harvey! Put the monkey down.
Harvey looks across at her but decides to push ahead.
Marty– We begin our story deep in the Amazon…
Sabrina Buries her head in her hands and pulls her cap brim
down over her face to hide her embarrassment.
Int. Science class. later.
Marty– …So weep not for me, weep for the fate of the earth.
Harvey– Isn’t that right, Sabrina?
Sabrina’s moved her seat away to the side and is hiding
under her hat. She lifts her head.
Sabrina– What? Oh er yeah! What the puppet said.
Mr. Pool– It was terrific! Very creative. You-you really
brought extinction to life. Now before class ends, are there
any questions.
Libby raises her hand.
Libby– Yeah! Are you two free for my little brothers birthday
party?
The bell goes and everyone makes for the door. Sabrina
leading the rush.
Mr. Pool– All right, er read chapter twenty-seven and how
about a big hand for Harvey and Sabrina huh?
He claps but it’s a lone effort.
Int. School hallway. Harvey catches up with Sabrina at her
locker.
Sabrina– I have never been so embarrassed in my whole
life.
Harvey– What! Come on, the monkey saved our butts.
Libby– (Walking past) Hey guys, can you tell me how to get
to Sesame Street?
Sabrina– See? Everyone thought it was lame.
Harvey– Mr. Pool didn’t.
Sabrina– Like I care what Mr. Pool thinks!
Harvey– (Whispering) Sabrina!
He nods behind her and she turns to see Mr. Pool talking to
another teacher just behind her.
Sabrina– Oh great! I need sugar, I’m going to lunch.
Marty– Can I come too?
Sabrina– Look, I just want to eat alone.
She walks off leaving Harvey and Marty with their own
company.
Harvey– (To Marty) I was just trying to cheer her up.
Int. School cafeteria. Sabrina sits eating her pudding and
reading but she doesn’t get her wish to eat alone.
Jenny– Hi Sabrina. ‘The Bell Jar’! Three puddings! This can’t
be good.
Sabrina– It’s not.
Jenny– D’you wanna talk about it?
Sabrina– No. Didn’t you have a burning question or
something?
Jenny– Oh yeah. See, lately I’ve been feeling like people
aren’t paying attention to me.
Sabrina– Get a puppet.
Jenny– No, I wa-I was thinking of cutting my hair just to
shake things up but it’s a big decision.
Sabrina– Or fifty thousand little ones.
Jenny– I’m serious. Sometimes I feel like I’m a prisoner of
my own curls.
Sabrina– Really? That’s fascinating, please go on.
Jenny– Well, when people see my hair they think…
Sabrina unobtrusively points at Jenny casting a little spell
and although Jenny carries on with her thoughts on her long
curls no sound reaches Sabrina. Sabrina just nods from time
to time and smiles, enjoying the silence. The silence that’s
interrupted by Libby.
Libby– Hey Sabrina.
Sabrina– Libby, what do you want?
Libby– You know, I forgot. There was something I wanted to
ask you about your project.
As she talks she moves closer to Sabrina.
Sabrina– Yeah?
Libby– If the earth’s tropical forests are being wiped out at a
rate of sixty-seven acres a minute then how come you’re
wearing that stupid hat?
She reaches out and yanks the hat from Sabrina’s head
revealing for all the world the grotesque wart.
Sabrina– Give it back!
Libby– What is that?
Sabrina leaps up and runs from the cafeteria. Jenny calls
silently after her.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina comes out of the cafeteria and
points at the school exit.
Sabrina– Snow day!
The doors blow open as the Westbridge weather service get
things very wrong again. A blizzard in August? Libby comes
out of the cafeteria carrying Sabrina’s baseball cap.
Libby– Hey wart-face. You forgot your hat.
Sabrina– And you forgot you’re a goat!
She points and as John Luc Piccard often advises people she
makes it so.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Now go climb a mountain.
She waves the goat away and grabs her hat and heads for
her locker. It’s still jammed.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Great! Great! Great!
She steps back and unleashes another spell. Her locker door
flies open wrenching itself from its hinges. She grabs her
coat and is off.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina enters tramping snow into the
house. Zelda’s still sat at her lap-top.
Zelda– Hello Sabrina, you stormed in. O-oh! Is that your
blizzard?
Sabrina– Yeah, I blanketed the entire Northeast. Oh and in
local news I turned Libby into a goat.
As she speaks she takes off her coat and hat and when she’s
finished she heads for the stairs but Zelda grabs her arm.
Zelda– Come talk to me. What’s the matter?
Sabrina– What’s the matter? I have to be a witch, I have to
be a mortal, I have to be a teenager and I have to be a girl
all at the same time. That’s what’s the matter.
She storms off upstairs.
Salem– (Calling after) Hey! At least you’ve still got your
thumbs. And a door on your bathroom!
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Hilda’s at the top of the stairs
as Sabrina arrives.
Hilda– Hey look! I’ve found my Brady Anderson baseball
card.
Sabrina– Who cares? Brady Anderson is nothing to me.
She stomps towards her room.
Hilda– Sabrina! How could you say such a thing?
Sabrina– I’m in a bad mood.
Hilda– Hey! I know what’ll cheer you up. Flaun.
Sabrina– Flaun?
Hilda– The happy dessert. Everyone loves the custardy
goodness of a wiggly-jiggly flaun.
Sabrina– You can have my share. I just want to be left
alone.
With that she turns and goes into her bedroom closing the
door behind her.
Hilda– But flaun!
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina stands in front of her full
length mirror examining her gross wart.
Sabrina– I can’t believe this. It looks awful.
There’s a shimmer across Sabrina’s image in the mirror.
Anirbas– It’s huge!
Sabrina steps back in surprise that her image can speak on
it’s own.
Anirbas– (Cont.) If you took it to a movie it would want it’s
own seat.
Sabrina– At least someone agrees with me. I’m so sick of
people trying to cheer me up.
Anirbas– I hate when they do that. You can be in a bad
mood if you want.
Sabrina– No-one else thinks so. Everyone keeps trying to
make me feel better and I just want to be left alone. You
know what I mean?
Anirbas– You could come in here. No-one will disturb you.
Sabrina– Can I do that?
Anirbas– Sure.
The reflection steps aside.
Anirbas– Step right through.
Sabrina– Cool!
Hardly believing it’s possible, Sabrina steps up to the mirror
with her hand outstretched and walks right through into a
laterally inverted world. Everything is exactly the same but
reversed. Even her wart, that had been over her left eye was
now over her right.
Sabrina– Wow! Everything’s swapped around.
She turns towards the window.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Okay door. Wrong!
She turns the other way.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Door! And my desk is… over there.
She walks over to it and picks up her magazine.
Sabrina– (Cont.) neetneveS magazine. Man I didn’t know
there was a whole world through my mirror.
Anirbas– Yeah, it’s a great place for quiet reflection.
Sabrina– Good, I need some time to relax.
She takes her magazine over to the bed and gets
comfortable as she opens it.
Sabrina– (Cont.) This is great.
She stares at the writing in the magazine and tries turning it
upside down.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Er maybe I’ll just look at the pictures.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda still tapping away on her
computer as Hilda comes in from the dining room.
Hilda– Did you hear that?
Zelda– What?
Hilda– My stomach rumbling. What’s for dinner?
Zelda– Whatever comes out of the end of your finger. I’m
too busy working to cook.
Hilda– Oh I know what I want.
She points at the counter and a starter, main-course and
dessert appear all in one plate of…
Hilda– (Cont.) Flaun.
She picks it up and starts shaking the plate slightly.
Hilda– (Cont.) It’s so wiggly.
Salem– I don’t know whether to eat it or attack it.
Zelda– Oh hey would you do me a favour and check on
Sabrina and see what she want’s for dinner?
Hilda– I’m not sticking my head in there. She’s in a bad
mood, she might bite it off. You go.
Zelda– No, you go.
Hilda– No, you go.
Zelda– No, Salem will go.
Salem– What!
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Hilda and Zelda stand outside
Sabrina’s bedroom door. Zelda holds Salem at her shoulder.
Hilda– (To Salem) Good idea. Safety in numbers.
Zelda knocks on the door.
Zelda– Sabrina! It’s dinner time!
There’s no answer.
Zelda– (Cont.) She must be sleeping.
She opens the door.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The sisters enter with Salem to find
the room deserted.
Hilda– She’s not here.
Zelda– Where did she go?
Hilda– I have no idea.
Salem, who is looking over Zelda’s shoulder spots a clue.
Salem– Mayday! The mirror!
Hilda and Zelda turn and take a sharp intake of breath as
they see the roiling black clouds where a reflection should be
in the full length mirror.
Zelda– Sabrina must have passed through the looking glass.
Fork lightning flashes in the mirror.
Hilda– Oh-no! She’s trapped in her own bad mood!
Hilda stares into the swirling clouds in the mirror.
Hilda– I don’t see Sabrina. Oh I wish we could make these
clouds lift.
Zelda– There’s nothing we can do. Only she can get herself
out of a bad mood.
Hilda– I hope it doesn’t take too long. Oh, and I hope our
counterparts aren’t too rotten.
Salem– Me too.
Zelda– Well let’s go.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Zelda, Hilda and Salem come
out of Sabrina’s room.
Hilda– Remember that time I got stuck in my own
resentment and you didn’t lift one finger to help me.
Zelda– At least you got over it.
Hilda– …No I didn’t.
Int. Anirbas’s bedroom. The alarm goes off waking Sabrina
who has dozed off on Anirbas’s bed. She quickly leans over
to her left to turn it off before remembering that everything’s
reversed and going to her right.
Sabrina– Seven A.M.? I must have slept straight through.
She sits up and feels at her forehead. With a smile she gets
up and looks in the mirror.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Hey! My wart is gone.
Anirbas– You must have calmed down.
Sabrina– I feel so much better… but I look like a mess.
A quick point at herself and she and Anirbas are washed,
showered and changed and ready to face the new day.
Sabrina– (Cont.) There. Well thanks for everything. I’d
better get home and go to school.
She tries to walk through the mirror back into her own room
but hey! Everyone knows you can’t walk through mirrors.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Hey! What’s going on?
Anirbas– You’re stuck. Remember you wanted to be left
alone.
Anirbas laughs maniacally as the image in the mirror changes
to one of roiling, dark clouds.
Sabrina– Oh-no!
She grabs for the door handle but it wont open.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Help me! Someone help me!
In answer to her call a bright shaft of light reveals a man
with great side-burns.
Brady Anderson– I got it! I got it!
Sabrina– Who are you?
Brady Anderson– I’m Brady Anderson.
Sabrina– The baseball player? You’ve come to help me?
Brady Anderson– I’m thinking about it but I’m not sure. I
mean you did say I was nothing to you.
Sabrina– I didn’t mean it. I was in a bad mood. Everyone
was bugging me.
Brady Anderson– Well if everyone was bugging you did you
consider that maybe the problem wasn’t with the rest of the
world? That maybe it was with you?
Sabrina– No. I mean the things that happened weren’t my
fault and I was under a lot of stress.
Brady Anderson– Yeah I know about stress. Yankee
Stadium, play-offs, twenty million viewers
Sabrina– High school, science project, very big wart.
Brady Anderson– Okay you win, but only because of the
very big wart. My point is we all live with stress. That’s why
you have to control your emotions and not let your emotions
control you.
Sabrina– Isn’t that a lot to ask from a teenager?
Brady Anderson– Yeah and it’ll take you about twenty
years to get good at it but you should start now. I mean if
you wanna get home.
Sabrina– I do. I don’t like it here. I mean for one thing I’m
right handed.
She holds up her left hand and quickly switches it to her
right.
Brady Anderson– I’m a lefty myself. I fit in fine. Okay, the
first thing you have to do is make amends.
Sabrina– Easy. I’ll just tell everyone I’m sorry. Oh and I’ll
turn Libby back from a goat.
Brady Anderson– Good you’ve got a game-plan.
Sabrina– But I’m locked in.
Brady reaches for the door knob and turns it the right way
for this laterally inverted world. The door opens easily.
Brady Anderson– Here ya go.
Sabrina– How’d you do that?
Brady Anderson– I choked up on the knob.
Int. Namlleps Kitchen. Adlez sits at the table typing furiously
on her lap top. Glasses perched on the end of her nose.
Sabrina enters.
Sabrina– Good Morning.
Adlez– Do you mind! I’m working on an article.
Sabrina– Sorry. I just wanted to get some breakfast.
Adlez glances up long enough to point at the table.
Adlez– There, have some porridge.
Sabrina– Thanks.
She picks up the bowl.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Ugh! It’s cold!
Adlez– I’m sorry Goldilocks, the kitchen is closed.
Sabrina– Okay. I’ll just go look for the others.
She sidles off passed her furiously typing and bad tempered
aunt.
Int. Namlleps dining room. Melas sits reading the financial
section as Sabrina breezes in.
Sabrina– Good morning Salem. Checking your stocks?
Melas– Yes and they’re all down. Down! Down! Down!
Sabrina– Well you know what goes down must come up.
Melas– Thank you Louis Rookiezer. But if my stocks don’t
rally I’ll have to go back to dry food. Now please, I’d like
some privacy.
Sabrina leaves as Melas turns back to the paper.
Melas– (Cont.) Oh great. Great! Great! Great!
Int. Namlleps Living room. Sabrina enters through the dining
room sliding doors just as a flash of lightning lights up the
room.
Sabrina– Aunt Hilda?
Adlih is sat in the arm chair cold, wet and miserable. It
probably has something to do with the miniature thunder-
storm hovering above her head.
Adlih– What do you want? I’m a little under the weather.
Sabrina– Er maybe I’ll come back later.
She starts to leave.
Adlih– (Calling after) Hey good news! The living room
drought is over.
Int. Egdirbtsew High School hallway. Sabrina arrives at her
locker with the door still hanging off it’s hinges. She lifts it
down and puts it on the floor as Ynnej arrives wearing a
floppy felt hat.
Ynnej– Sabrina! I need to talk to you.
Sabrina– Good ‘cause I know you wanted to talk yesterday
and now I’m all ears.
Ynnej reaches up and removes her hat.
Ynnej– So am I.
Sabrina stares at the place where Ynnej’s long, fiery curls
used to be, only they’re gone leaving a cap of short, fiery
curls.
Sabrina– What happened to your hair?
Ynnej– It’s gone! And it’s all your fault. So I wanted to talk
to you and say I’m not talking to you.
She turns and walks off. Sabrina hurries after her.
Sabrina– Wait! How is it my fault?
Ynnej– As my friend you shouldn’t have let me do this.
Sabrina– I’m sorry. I was in a bad mood yesterday and I
wasn’t really listening.
Ynnej– My life is over.
Students walk past smirking and snickering at Ynnej’s hair.
Sabrina– Jenny, what you need is some perspective, okay?
First of all, it looks good. No, It looks better than good. It
looks… fine, and second, it’s gonna grow out.
Ynnej– That’s right! I forgot. Hair grows.
Sabrina– Yeah. Now just keep saying that and you’ll feel
better.
Ynnej– Hair grows. Hair grows.
Ynnej is feeling better already.
Sabrina– Now I’ve gotta go find Harvey. You wanna have
lunch?
Ynnej– Okay.
Sabrina– Good!
She heads off down the hallway but stops and turns to her
friend.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Hair grows.
Ynnej– Hair grows.
She gives a thumbs up and Sabrina leaves.
Int. School Library. Yevrah sit disconsolately reading ‘Eht
Lleb Raj’ alone as Sabrina enters.
Sabrina– Hey Harvey.
Yevrah– Sabrina no! Stay back!
Sabrina– What’s wrong?
Yevrah– You shouldn’t be seen with me. No-one should. Not
after how I embarrassed us both in biology.
Sabrina– You mean with Marty the monkey?
Yevrah– Don’t even say that name. I’m trying to forget.
Sabrina– But he was cute.
Yevrah– He was lame. You even said so.
Sabrina– Because I was in a bad mood. But today I love
puppets. Where is the little guy?
Yevrah– We had a fight. He’s over there on the floor.
Sabrina goes over and picks up poor Ytram. It’s clear who
lost the fight. Ytram is in a pretty sorry state.
Sabrina– Oh-no! Marty? Are you okay?
Ytram– I’m fine. But I’m worried about my friend, Harvey.
Sabrina– Well let’s go see if we can cheer him up.
Back at the table.
Ytram– Hey Harvey.
Yevrah– What Marty?
Ytram– Sabrina’s sorry. Very sorry, and she thanks you for
saving her butt.
Yevrah– (To Sabrina) Y’know, he is kinda cute.
Sabrina– And he’s the reason we got an ‘A’
Yevrah– Well when you put it that way I feel kinda bad that
I ripped his eyes out.
Sabrina– Hey, Marty’s used to tragedy
Across the room Drawoh is trying to catch up on some
studying but he’s finding it hard with a goat eating his notes.
Drawoh– Hey! That’s my homework! You’re eating my
homework!
He tries to snatch back the paper but the goat is too quick.
Sabrina– (Under her breath) Libby?
She dashes over, takes hold of the goat and leads it off while
it chomps on Drawoh’s homework
Int. Girls bathroom. Sabrina drags the goat in.
Sabrina– Okay, Libby, I may not be able to stomach saying
this to you after I undo the spell so… I’m sorry. I was in a
bad mood yesterday but that’s no excuse for turning you into
a goat. Even though you totally deserved it.
Ybbil– Ma-a-a-a!
Sabrina– Then we understand each other?
She points at the goat and it metamorphoses into Ybbil who
looks extremely confused.
Ybbil– What am I doing in the girls room?
Sabrina– You were going to wash your hands.
Ybbil– I was?
She sniffs at her hands that until a moment ago had been
hooves clumping around the school.
Ybbil– (Cont.) Ew!
She rushes over to the sink to wash her hands.
Sabrina– So I was just wondering. Is everything cool
between us?
Ybbil– It never was, freak.
She reaches for a paper towel to dry her hands.
Sabrina– Good to have you back Libby. Gotta go.
She leaves Ybbil drying her hands and before throwing the
used towel in the trash can she rips a piece off with her teeth
and starts to chew on it. When she looks in the mirror she is
horrified to see the piece of towel sticking out of her mouth
and spits it out.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina comes out of the girls room to
find Brady Anderson waiting for her on bended knee. With a
fan-fare he gets up from the circle.
Brady Anderson– Ah, I’m up.
Sabrina– Brady? You’re at my school. How do you have time
to follow me around?
Brady Anderson– I’m your spirit guide. And it’s the off
season.
Sabrina– Well I think you should know I’ve been making
amends left and right. I mean right and left. Well anyway,
Jenny, Harvey and Libby are all fine.
Brady Anderson– Afraid that’s not enough. You see your
bad mood had a ripple effect. It spread further than you
think.
Sabrina– Like to Guam?
Brady Anderson– No, but beyond those three. Frankly you
have to cheer up the whole school. Including Mr. Pool.
Sabrina– What happened to Mr. Pool?
Brady Anderson– You might wanna check.
Int. Science class. Sabrina enters to find a heap of green
hunched over the desk.
Sabrina– Mr. Pool?
The heap throws back the hood of it’s anorak.
Mr. Loop– Is it morning?
Sabrina– Yeah.
Mr. Loop– I survived.
Sabrina– Survived what?
Mr. Loop– My car wouldn’t start because of the blizzard so I
got stuck here, and guess what? They turn off the heat at
six!
Sabrina– That’s terrible.
Mr. Loop– What’s worse was that I kept hallucinating that
there was a goat running around the school.
Sabrina– Forget about your horrible… twisted dream. I know
something that’ll cheer you up.
She nips out of the class door.
Mr. Loop– Oh Sabrina, trust me. Nothing could make…
Brady Anderson! Whoa, I don’t believe it!
He jumps up to shake his hand.
Mr. Loop– (Cont.) Wow, I’m your biggest fan! What are you
doing here?
Brady Anderson– I’m in town for some er motivational
speaking.
Mr. Loop– To what group?
Brady Anderson– Sabrina.
Mr. Loop– Oh! Would you sign my brain?
He reaches behind him for the model brain he uses for
biology.
Brady Anderson– Sure.
Sabrina– (To Brady) Look, I need to go. There’s something I
need to do.
Sabrina leaves as Mr. Loop hands Brady his pen and his
brain.
Brady Anderson– Which Hemisphere?
Mr. Loop– Er. Just right along the cerebellum is fine.
Int. School Hallway. Yevrah walks with Ynnej.
Yevrah– You look different. Are those new ear-rings?
Ynnej– Actually they are.
Yevrah– People tell me I’m not perceptive.
Sabrina– (Over the school PA) Attention students. This is
Sabrina Spellman. I’d like you all to know I was in a bad
mood yesterday and I just wanna say I’m sorry. And to make
it up to you I have a surprise in the cafeteria. So if you’ll
please proceed in an orderly fashion…
The stampede to the cafeteria is already underway.
Int. School Cafeteria. Sabrina leads everyone in. Ynnej stops
in her tracks and stares in wonder. Yevrah’s jaw drops open
in delight. Everyone ooh’s and ahh’s.
Ynnej– It’s beautiful!
Yevrah– I’ve never seen anything like it.
Sabrina– It’s flaun, and there’s enough for everyone.
And it’s the biggest flaun in the world. Standing as tall as
Sabrina and twice as round. It wiggled and jiggled enticingly.
‘Shiny, happy people’ by REM starts up as the entire student
body attack the giant flaun. Students dance around it jiggling
their bowls of the scrummy dessert. Those who don’t have
bowls dive in head first. Laughing students feed it to each
other. Lick there bowls clean and go back for more as the
party mood flows through the crowd. Only Ybbil stands apart.
Sabrina takes a helping of flaun over to her.
Sabrina– Here Libby, have some flaun.
Ybbil– No thanks. I’m not hungry.
But she does whip the paper serviette from beneath the plate
and when no-one is looking takes a bite.
Int. Namlleps kitchen. Sabrina enters carrying a plate of
flaun.
Sabrina– Alright. Party time!
Adlez– Oh Sabrina I’m working.
She hasn’t moved since this morning.
Sabrina– Okay then I’ll just put this flaun down over here.
She reaches across Adlez, passing the flaun under her nose
as she places it on the table. Adlez’s eyes are drawn
magically from the computer screen to the pudding.
Adlez– Flaun! I haven’t taken a break in six hours, but I will
for flaun.
Melas appears down the stairs.
Melas– Did someone say flaun?
Adlih comes through from the dining room drying her hair
with a towel.
Adlih– I could go for some flaun!
Sabrina– Never underestimate the power of flaun.
Int. Namlleps upstairs landing. Sabrina runs up the stairs and
dashes for her bedroom.
Sabrina– I’m going home!
Int. Anirbas’s bedroom. Sabrina flies in through the door
hitting Brady Anderson in the face with it.
Brady Anderson– Aw! Solid contact!
Sabrina– Brady?
Brady Anderson– I came to say goodbye. I’m really glad it
all worked out.
Sabrina– Thanks. I couldn’t have done it without you. You
really put things in perspective.
Brady Anderson– That’s the key. Now get back to the real
world, and remember, life is a team sport.
He escorts Sabrina to the mirror and sees her safely through
it.
Brady Anderson– (Cont.)(To himself) Life is a team sport?
How stupid does that sound?
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina comes down the stairs to find
Hilda, Zelda and Salem at their favourite pass time. Doing a
jigsaw puzzle.
Sabrina– I’m home!
Zelda– You got out of your bad mood!
Hilda– Good girl.
Salem– What did you bring me?
Sabrina– A big kiss.
She kisses the top of his head.
Salem– Hey! Hey! I can groom myself.
Sabrina– I’m sorry I made such a mess of everything.
Zelda– We cleaned it up. We even kept the blizzard going so
all your friends could have a snow day.
Hilda– And we changed Libby back from being a goat, but
not before taking a Polaroid so you could treasure the
memory for ever.
She hands Sabrina the photo.
Sabrina– So the real world kept going without me?
Zelda nods yes.
Hilda– Teenagers!
Sabrina– Then there’s a call I have to make.
Salem– Well you don’t have to order me a pizza but make it
half sausage, half clams.
Sabrina gets up and grabs the phone.
Sabrina– (On phone) Hello Jenny? Did you cut your hair?…
No? Good, don’t. It’d be the biggest mistake of your life… No,
a trim would be fine. Look I’ll call you later and we’ll discuss
every hair. Okay. Bye.
She hangs up.
Sabrina– I’m in such a good mood.
Zelda– Well then we should celebrate.
Hilda– And there’s no better way to celebrate than with a
woggly joggly flaun.
She points and a happy dessert appears on the table.
Sabrina– This is great. Great! Great! Great!
Hilda, Zelda and Salem give Sabrina a hard look.
Sabrina– (Cont.) I was being sincere.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina stands in front of the mirror
checking out a course knit grey/blue sweater. She not
impressed.
Sabrina– Yuck!
She points at herself changing the sweater to a pink velvet
zip up.
Run credits.
She’s still not happy and points again. This time it’s a sporty
black one
Sabrina– Ooh! Nah!
She points again and goes back to her original one.
Sabrina– Yuck!
Anirbas– Enough! I’m not going to stand here all day
watching you.
Her reflection turns and walks off having better things to do.
Sabrina– Wait! Come back! Which sweater did you like?
Hey, how am I supposed to figure this out without you?
Sweet Charity
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Sweet Charity
Written By – Nell Scovell
Transcribed By – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Jenny – Michelle Beaudoin
Libby – Jenna Liegh Green
Mr Pool – Paul Feig
Cee Cee – Melissa Murray
Jill – Bridget Flanery
Nana – Karen Morrow
Mr Berry – Alan Young
Howard – James Fields
Delivery Guy – Angelo Vacco
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Salem sits before her mirror sporting
a natty line in button down collar and ties, not to mention a
trilby tipped at a jaunty angle. A big band intro plays and
Salem lets his fantasy ride.
Salem– (Singing) Those fingers in my hair,
that sly come hither stare
that strips my conscience bare,
it’s witchcraft.
Sabrina enters.
Sabrina– Salem, did I hear you singing?
Salem– No, I was just…
Sabrina– (Interrupting) It’s okay. I came in ’cause it
sounded good.
Salem– Oh come on, enough. Ya think?
Sabrina– Yeah. I just wanted a front row seat.
Hilda runs in from the landing.
Hilda– Me too.
She’s closely followed by Zelda
Zelda– Right behind you.
Salem– Well, well, well. (To his reflection) Ol’ yellow eyes,
you’ve still got it.
Sabrina– Hit it cat.
Salem– (Singing) And I’ve got no defence for it.
The heat is too intense for it.
What good would common sense for it do?
As he sings Hilda jumps up and dances but Salem suddenly
starts to choke on something.
Salem– (Cont.) Hairball! <choke> Hairball!
Run opening credits.
Int. Westbridge High School Cafeteria. Jenny sits at a table
with a notice pinned to the front suggesting ‘Adopt-a-
Grandperent today’ Sabrina moves around in front waving
her arms all about.
Sabrina– It’s an interesting theory Jenny but I don’t think
there’s a force field around this table.
Jenny– Then why isn’t anyone signing up to adopt a
Grandparent?
Sabrina– Do you think it’s clear that these adoptions are not
legally binding?
Libby walks by with her tray.
Libby– Hi guys.
Jenny– Libby, can I sign you up for the Adopt-a-
Grandparent programme?
Libby– Actually I came over here to tell you guys about my
new community service, it’s the Adopt-a-life programme.
May I sign you up?
Sabrina– Don’t answer, it’s a trick question.
Libby– (To Sabrina) See ya freak, (To Jenny) Frizzy freak.
She walks away and Jenny stands.
Jenny– (Calling after) Frizzy! These happen to be curls!
Sabrina– Let it go Jenny, take the high road.
Jenny sits back down to contemplate her clip board of
names. Sabrina glances across to Libby who’s on her way to
join her friends Cee Cee and Jill. As always they are at the
forefront of the latest fashion trends which is currently over
the knee socks, Jill’s are deep purple, Cee Cee’s gone for
lime green and Libby wears always fashionable black. A quick
point from Sabrina alters things with one of Libby socks
turning yellow. Petty? Yes… but it gets her through the day.
Libby reaches Jill and Cee Cee to find them stood looking
annoyed.
Libby– What’s going on?
Jill– Some foreign exchange students are sitting at our table.
Libby– Deport them.
Jill barges her way onto the table shoving the student who’s
sat there over with her butt.
Cee Cee– What’s with your socks, did you get dressed in the
dark this morning?
Libby– No, I…
She looks down and sees her odd coloured socks.
Libby– (Cont.) How did this happen?
Cee Cee and Jill laugh as they take over the table.
Libby– (Cont.) Quick, switch socks with each other.
Cee Cee– What!
Libby– I need a trend and I need it now.
Meanwhile Jenny and Sabrina are still trying to tempt people
to join there adopt-a-Grandparent programme. Sabrina spots
a potential punter.
Sabrina– Hey Harvey, over here.
He walks over.
Sabrina– (Cont.) We need you to sign up.
Harvey– I did, on my way in.
Sabrina– Yes but nobody else has, so could you do it again
and do it loudly?
Harvey– All right.
He takes the clip board and pencil.
Harvey– (Cont.)(Loudly) Sure, I’d love to adopt a
Grandparent. Old people are so much fun, they know tones
of stuff and sometimes they give you money…
Sabrina– (Interrupting) Shhhh! Don’t go there!
Later, lunch times over and Jenny’s taking down the ‘Adopt-
a-Grandparent today’ banner.
Jenny– Well at least we’ve filled the sign up sheet.
Sabrina– Yeah, but it’s all Harvey and… Mighty Mouse!
Libby and her friends are taking their trays back to the
counter. Jill and Cee Cee now sport one deep purple sock and
one lime green sock apiece.
Jill– So then my dance instructor said…
Another girl walks past with her tray wearing a pair of grey
over the knee socks.
Libby– Hey! Look at her. She matches.
The girl looks down at what were very fashionable leg wear
only half an hour ago. Dammit, how’s a girl supposed to keep
up with such fleeting trends. Sabrina gets that you just can’t
win feeling.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda has the number two cauldron on
the boil. Salem sits on the counter top.
Salem– What ya making?
Hilda– Hair soup. I thought long tresses would look nice for
a change.
She scoops up a wooden spoonful and tastes it.
Hilda– (Cont.) Hmm, it tastes really wavy.
Zelda enters from the back door with a number of books
under her arm.
Zelda– Sorry I’m late. It took longer at the book store than I
expected.
Hilda– Did you get me ‘Cat Fancy’?
Zelda– Yes.
She hands it over, then puts another magazine in front of
Salem.
Zelda– (Cont.) And Salem, here’s your ‘New Republic’
Salem– Thanks. I hate the politics but Brustien on the
theatre is a revaluation.
Hilda– (To Zelda) Why do you keep smiling?
Zelda– I do not.
Hilda– Yes you do.
Zelda– Do not.
Hilda– Fine, don’t tell me. I can always twist your arm.
She points across at her sister and Zelda arm is twisted
painfully high up behind her back
Zelda– Aw! Cut it out! Oh you!
She points a retaliatory finger back at Hilda.
Hilda– Aw! You’re pulling my ear!
Zelda– Let go of my arm!
Hilda– Let go of my ear!
Zelda– Enough okay, I’ll tell you.
They point at each other to release their magical grips. Zelda
rubs her arm.
Zelda– (Cont.) I met a guy at the book store.
Hilda– Oh really? What was his pick up line?
Zelda– He didn’t have one. He mistook me for an employee
and asked me if we carried any books on how to meet
intelligent women.
Salem– Hm-hm!
Hilda– Do you think you’ll see him again?
Zelda– He took my number but it wasn’t a pick up.
The simmering cauldron goes whooff! With a billow of steam.
Salem– Soups on!
Hilda– (To Salem) D’ya want some?
Salem– Just a smidgen bowl.
Hilda– How about you Zelda? It’s hair soup.
Zelda– No thanks, I just got mine cut.
She heads into the dining room with her books and a smile
just as the phone rings. she spins round.
Zelda– (Cont.) I’ll get it! (Into the phone) Hello?
Hilda– Oh yuck, there’s a hair in my hair soup.
She picks it out.
Zelda– Of course I remember you, Rick.
She mouths ‘It’s him’ to Hilda. Hilda mouths back ‘Oooh!’
Sabrina comes down the stairs.
Zelda– (Cont.) No, I’m still here.
Sabrina– (To Hilda) What’s she smiling about?
Hilda– A boy.
Zelda– Hold on Rick, I’m going to grab the cordless.
She points at the hand set that’s tucked under her chin and
the cord drops out. She heads for the dining room with the
disconnected handset still tucked under her chin.
Zelda– (Cont.) You were saying?
Hilda– (To Sabrina) D’you want some hair soup? It’s really
thick and luxurious.
Sabrina– No thanks, I’m on my way to the Senior Center but
I should probably bring them something.
She points at the table and a box a sweets appears.
Sabrina– Chewy caramels, that’s perfect.
She grabs them and leaves.
Int. The Senior Center, outer hallway. Sabrina comes round
the corner carrying her caramels accompanied by Jenny and
Harvey.
Harvey– This is already better than visiting my real
Grandparents, I don’t have to take my ear rings out.
Sabrina pushes the door to the center open and they enter.
Int. The Senior Center. Elderly senior citizens sit around
amusing themselves, some talking, some peruse the
substantial book shelves, others tinkle on the piano, a grey
haired gent sits studying a chess board as the three
teenagers enter.
Sabrina– How do we know which one to chose?
Jenny looks around and knows instantly.
Jenny– I see mine.
She heads to join a woman by the piano with long curly hair
just like hers except for being grey.
Harvey– I see mine.
He goes to join the lone man at his chess board leaving
Sabrina wondering which ones hers. She spots a lady sitting
alone on a settee thumbing through a book and goes over, a
little self conscious.
Sabrina– Hi.
Nana– Hi.
Sabrina– This is kind of awkward but would you like to be
my Grandmother?
Nana– Of course, that’d be lovely.
Sabrina puts down her caramels, takes off her coat and sits
down. Nana closes her book.
Nana– (Cont.) But before I start bragging about you I need
to know your name.
Sabrina– I’m Sabrina, and what’s yours?
Nana– You can call me Nana.
Sabrina– Great.
She sits awkwardly not knowing how to begin or what she’s
supposed to do. Nana sits smiling across at her.
Nana– An awkward silence, it’s like we really are family.
Here, how about looking at my scrap book?
She moves over on the settee making room for Sabrina to sit
beside her and opens the book.
Sabrina– Wow! Awesome photo of Elija Wood.
Nana– Oh he’s my little honey.
Sabrina– You know him?
Nana– Noah Wyle introduced us.
Sabrina– You know Noah Whyle!
Nana– Only through Christian Slater.
Sabrina– I love Christian Slater. How do you know these
people?
Nana– Well when you get to be my age you know just about
everybody.
The school paper photographer, Howard, Enters with his
camera round his neck and a bag of gear. Jenny, who’s doing
some dance moves with her new Grandma, spots him.
Jenny– Howard! Did you come to adopt a Grandparent?
Howard– No. I’m here to take a photo for the school paper.
We’re doing an article on community service, it’s called
‘Westbridge Cares’
He looks around at the pitiful turn out.
Howard– (Cont.) But apperantly not that much. I’ll go set
up.
He heads off to a nearby table. Sabrina joins Jenny and
Harvey in the center of the room.
Sabrina– Excellent timing. A photo will be great publicity for
the programme.
Harvey– Yeah, I only wish we could have got’n someone
cool to be here.
Sabrina– Thanks a lot!
Harvey– You know what I mean, someone others follow.
Sabrina– Like Libby the lord high empress of Westbridge?
Harvey– I thought she was sophomore class president?
Jenny– Libby would never show her face here.
Harvey– Maybe we could fake it. My dad says that Russia’s
on their third Boris Yeltzin.
Jenny– Oh come on, you can’t fake a person.
Sabrina– Of course you can’t! Gotta go.
She quickly ducks out of the room.
Int. Senior Center outer hallway. Sabrina comes out of the
main room and heads straight for one of the two phone
kiosks across the hall.
Sabrina– (To herself) This is the worst thing I’ve ever had to
do.
She points at herself and the transformation begins from the
head down. Her hair turns from blonde to dark brown. Her
body grows taller, her clothes sense becomes gaudy but
expensive all the way down to her smart black shoes and odd
coloured socks. It’s an exact duplicate of Libby that steps out
of the kiosk. She looks at herself in the vanity mirror on the
opposite wall.
Sabrina– Ew!
She even sounds like her nemesis.
Int. The Senior Center. Sabrina in her Libby disguise walks
in.
Sabrina– Alright, I’m here.
Harvey and Jenny’s eye’s almost pop out.
Jenny– Libby!
Harvey– What are you doing at the Senior Center?
Sabrina– I thought I’d drop by and improve your image.
Harvey– You’re gonna help us?
Sabrina– Look, I know I’m completely shallow and self
absorbed but every now and then I think of others.
Howard– All set. If you could stand together.
Sabrina– No problem.
She pushes her way between Jenny and Harvey and throws
her arms round their shoulders.
Sabrina– (Cont.) How’s this?
Jenny– You mean next to you!
Sabrina– Sure.
Howard– Smile.
He takes the photo with Harvey and Libby beaming and
Jenny with a look of utter disbelief on her face.
Sabrina– (To Howard) Now put that on the front page and
remember, old people are the coolest. You can quote me on
that.
Howard– I will, thanks Libby. What a scoop.
Howard leaves.
Sabrina– Now that the reporters gone I guess I’ll go too.
Bye.
She flounces out leaving a totally bewildered Jenny and
Harvey in her wake.
Jenny– Did you see that? Libby treated me like a human.
Harvey– I’m glad we took a picture because Sabrina’s gonna
think we pulled a Yeltzin.
Sabrina enters back to her old self again.
Sabrina– Hey, what’s up?
Harvey– Libby was just here.
Sabrina– No? Well that aughta get kids involved.
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Jenny runs weaving in
and out of the students with a copy of the school newspaper
hot off the presses and arrives at Sabrina’s locker.
Jenny– Sabrina look, the Senior Center photo made the
front page.
Sabrina– Cool! Has Libby seen this?
A high pitched scream from down the hall answers that
question. Her friends Jill and Cee Cee have made a point of
showing it to her.
Libby– What is this?
Jill– A photo of you standing next to Jenny.
Libby– Oh, I would not. This is a fake, they must have put
my face on someone else’s body. And not a very good one.
Cee Cee– Then it quotes you as saying ‘Old people are the
coolest’
Libby– No, cheerleaders are the coolest.
She spots Harvey walking past and intercepts him.
Libby– (Cont.) Harvey, you were at the Senior Center. You
didn’t see me there right?
Harvey– Libby, you did a good thing. Deal with it.
Libby– I’ve been framed.
She storms off with her friends in her wake.
Harvey– (To Sabrina) What’s with her? How can she not
remember?
Sabrina– Isn’t it obvious? Libby has multiple personalities
and we finally met the nice one.
The school bell rings.
Int. Science class. Harvey and Sabrina sit side by side.
Mr. Pool– And today we are going to be studying sight and
there’s more to this subject than meets the eye.
Libby– Mr. Pool!
Mr. Pool– Er yeah?
Libby– Before you begin I’d like to make an announcement
to the class regarding the front page of the school
newspaper.
Mr. Pool– Oh, y’know what? I noticed that myself and may I
say I was proud to have all three outstanding citizens in my
class. Libby, Harvey, Jenny, you are the hope of America.
Now let’s hear it for these everyday hero’s, huh?
He leads a round of applause that slowly dies down.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Now er what was it you wanted to say
Libby?
Libby– Nothing.
Sabrina– Ah, we’ll be at the Senior Center again today if
anyone else wants to join us.
Libby– Us? I don’t recall seeing you there Sabrina.
Int. Spellman living room. Cousin It is practising the violin.
Oops no it’s Hilda, the hair soup is really taking effect. Her
long blond locks tumble about her face as she plays. Zelda
enters through the front door.
Zelda– Hey!
Hilda stops playing and raises her head. She may have had a
little too much soup, there’s hair growing where it shouldn’t
on a girl.
Hilda– Hi.
Zelda– I see the hair spell kicked in.
Hilda flicks her hair back over her shoulder with her hand.
Hilda– I probably shouldn’t have had that second bowl of
hair soup but I thought mutton chops would be nice for a
change.
Zelda– You look like Greg Allman.
Hilda– I’ll take that as a compliment. So how was your date
with Rick?
Zelda– Oh, not so good. I’m starting to feel really weird
about the age difference. I mean normally I don’t care about
these things but Rick keeps bringing up stuff that makes me
feel old.
Hilda– Like what?
Zelda– Oh he keeps talking about how he can’t wait for the
turn of the century. Big deal, I’ve done that five times.
Hilda– Oh, and it’s always the same. I’ve partied like it was
sixteen ninety-nine, seventeen ninety-nine, eighteen ninety-
nine, this time I’m staying home.
Zelda– Exactly. I think I’m going to brake off our
relationship.
Hilda– Oh you haven’t even given him a chance.
Zelda– You grow a little facial hair and suddenly you’re on
his side.
Salem jumps over the back of the settee and lands between
them. The hair soup has had it’s effect on him also. He’s a
proper little fur ball.
Salem– Hey look at me, I’m a hippie cat.
Int. The Senior Center. There are one or two more people
volunteered thanks to Sabrina’s fake Libby ploy and Sabrina
sits with Nana who holds out a tin to her.
Nana– Try some fudge, Pete Sampras sent it to me.
Sabrina– And who sent you the turtles?
She points to a box of turtle shaped chocolates on the coffee
table.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Chris O’Donnell?
Nana– No. (Laughs) Leonardo DiCaprio.
Sabrina– Mmm! Then I’ll have one of these.
As she’s about to bite into it she see two of the new recruits
about to slip away.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Oh, excuse me I’ll be right back.
She jumps up and chases after Jill and Cee Cee.
Sabrina– Hey guys, where are you going? You’ve gotta pick
out a grandparent while they last.
Cee Cee– No thanks. We only came because we thought
Libby would be here.
Jill– And she’s not, so we’re going.
Sabrina– But you can’t go, we need people and maybe
Libby’ll come. In fact I’m sure Libby’ll come. Oh, I think I see
her in the hall now.
She rushes out the door.
Int. Senior Center outer Hallway. Sabrina heads straight for
the phone kiosks once more.
Sabrina– Oh man, not again.
Faster than Superman she changes and steps out as Libby,
managing to trip over her own foot in the process.
Sabrina– Oh, stupid Libby!
Int. Senior Center. Sabrina enters and approaches Libby’s
friends.
Sabrina– Hi guys.
Jill– Libby!
Cee Cee– You made it!
Sabrina– Sabrina told me you were thinking of taking off?
Jill– No!
Cee Cee– Old people are the coolest.
Sabrina– You got that right. Oh hey, there’s Jenny.
She gives a silly grin and a wave.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Hi Jenny, how’s it going?
Jenny waves back.
Jenny– Good.
Sabrina looks around at Cee Cee and Jill and they both give
Jenny a little wave. Then Sabrina walks over to the settee
where Nana is still sat.
Sabrina– Nana, Sabrina had to run out for a minute so she
asked me to take over. I’m Libby.
Nana– A pleasure to meet you. Turtle?
Meanwhile Harvey sits concentrating over the chess table
with his new Grandfather. He watches closely as the grey
haired gent makes a move.
Harvey– Mr. Berry, are you sure you want to do that?
Mr. Berry– I admit leaving my king unprotected is a
somewhat risky strategy but er, I think I know what I’m
doing.
Harvey– You beat me ten times in a row, I’m not going to
argue with you.
Mr. Berry sits back smiling as Harvey weighs up the
possibilities. He moves his bishop up the board.
Harvey– (Cont.) Hey, checkmate!
Mr. Berry– How about that?
Harvey– It’s time for a victory soda.
He turns to Libby.
Harvey– (Cont.) Libby!
Sabrina sticks her finger up her nose and starts bogie
hunting before turning round.
Sabrina– Yeah Harvey?
Harvey– Can I… get you a soda?
Sabrina– Sure, I’d love a Ginger-Ale.
Int. Senior Center outer Hallway. Harvey enters rooting in his
pocket for change and approaches the drinks machine. As he
gets the drinks Libby walks round the corner, the real Libby.
Libby– Harvey.
Harvey– You must have been super-thirsty if you couldn’t
wait for me to bring it back. Here you go.
He hands over a Ginger-Ale.
Libby– What’s this?
Harvey– It’s your soda.
Libby– Ginger-Ale, what kind of freak drink is that? I only
drink diet.
Harvey– But you asked for this.
Libby– No I didn’t. Now move, I’ll get my own soda.
She hands back the Ginger-Ale and pushes past Harvey to
the machine.
Harvey– Y’know, I think I liked your other personality
better… Even if she does pick her nose.
Libby spins round at that but Harvey’s already gone.
Int. Senior Center. Harvey goes back to the chess table.
Harvey– Here, I’ve got another soda, do you want it?
Mr. Berry– I never turn down a free drink.
He takes the can and Harvey sits back down. Sabrina gets up
and goes over to him.
Sabrina– Harvey, where’s my soda?
Harvey– You said you didn’t want it.
Sabrina– When?
Harvey– You called it a freak drink.
Sabrina– I would not!….. Yes I would. Gotta go.
She dashes for the door.
Int. Senior Center outer hallway. The drinks machine has
stolen Libby’s money, She thumps it and gives it a kick not
seeing Sabrina in her Libby disguise come out of the main
room behind her.
Libby– Urgh! Stupid old peoples soda machine!
She gives it another kick. Sabrina shuffles quietly across the
hall to the phone kiosks but the one she’s been using for her
quick changes is in use. She check the other one but that
also is being used. She slips back to the first one as Libby
continues to try and bully a soda from the machine and
opens the door. Then she physically pulls the old man out of
the kiosk.
Sabrina– Sorry sir, I need the phone. If you have a problem
with that my name is Libby. Shut the door!
The man shuts the door and walks away disgusted at the
youth of today, what’s the world coming to? Sabrina quickly
changes back to herself and steps out into the hallway just as
a good kick produces a soda in the tray at the bottom of the
machine.
Libby– Finally!
Sabrina– Hi Libby, you made it.
Libby– This stupid machine gave me Ginger-Ale. I wont
drink this.
Sabrina– I will.
She takes the soda.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Thanks.
She goes back into the Senior Center with Libby staring after
her.
Int. Senior Center. Jill and Cee Cee are actually enjoying
themselves sat on either arm of a chair talking to an old lady
as Sabrina comes in followed a short time later by Libby.
Libby– All right, I’m here! Isn’t anyone gonna say hi?
Jill– We already did.
Cee Cee– When you first came in.
Libby– I did just come in. This isn’t funny anymore.
She takes her two friends by the arm and pulls them away
from the old lady.
Libby– (Cont.) And what are you doing with that old lady?
Sabrina– That’s the way the programme works. You select a
grandparent and spend some time with them.
Libby– What’s the catch?
Sabrina– There isn’t a catch, you get the satisfaction of
doing something nice for someone.
Nana– Libby!
Libby turns towards the woman on the settee whose waving.
Nana– Libby!
Libby– I guess I’ll go with her since she already seems to
know me.
She walks over to join Nana, Jill and Cee Cee head back to
the lady in the arm chair and Jenny comes over to Sabrina.
Jenny– Isn’t it great. Look, everyone has someone.
Sabrina– I know, it’s working better than I ever imagined.
Jenny– And it’s all thanks to Libby.
Sabrina– Libby?
Jenny– You know, deep down she’s a really good person.
They look across at Libby as Nana shows her the scrap book,
Libby looks excited.
Sabrina– I wouldn’t go that far. I mean, I’m sure Libby can
be nice on rare occasions when I’m not around but most of
the time Libby’s just… Libby.
Jenny– Oh Sabrina, if only you could have seen the way she
waved at me.
Jenny goes off back to her Grandma.
Sabrina– But I did, it was like this.
She does a silly grin and a little wave behind Jenny’s back.
Meanwhile Nana has been showing Libby a few of her close,
personal friends.
Libby– You are not! I’m the worlds biggest Johnny Depp fan.
Sabrina walks over.
Sabrina– Hey, what’s up?
Libby blocks her way.
Libby– May we help you?
Sabrina– I just wanted to talk to Nana.
Libby– Oh I’m afraid that’s impossible. She’s my Nana now.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. She lies disconsolately face down on
her bed and spots Hilda passing with a basket of laundry.
Sabrina– Aunt Hilda, have you got a sec?
Hilda turns away from the linen closet and Wow! she may
have really over done the hair soup. Bushy sideburns were
one thing but a full beard and mustache?
Hilda– Yeah.
Sabrina– I have a problem.
Hilda– I’m yours, I always have time for girl talk.
Sabrina– This isn’t about boys, this is about Libby.
Hilda– Is she being mean again?
Sabrina– No, she’s being nice but it’s just as bad. You see,
Jenny and I started this adopt-a-Grandparent programme.
Hilda strokes her beard as she listens.
Hilda– U-hu!
Sabrina– And then Libby got involved and now she’s queen
of the Senior Center. Why does she always have to win?
Hilda– Sabrina, charities not a contest. It sounds like when
Libby wins, everybody wins.
Sabrina– Not me, I lost! She stole my adopted
grandmother.
Hilda– Well then why don’t you get a new one?
Sabrina– Because all the good ones are taken.
Hilda– Just wait, people get old all the time and remember,
virtue is it’s own reward.
Sabrina– Thanks for the advice. Now can I give you some?
Hilda– M-hm.
Sabrina– Get some tattoos, you’ll work forever.
Int. Senior Center. Libby and Nana sit laughing together as
Sabrina looks on.
Sabrina– It’s not fair, she was mine first.
She turns back to her new grandmother whose fast asleep in
her armchair. Sabrina talks to her anyway.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Not that I don’t enjoy getting to know you
Mrs. Hartle.
She picks up the huge hard back book that’s on the stand
beside Mrs. Hartle’s chair.
Sabrina– (Cont.) So, (reading) James Michener’s, ‘Hawaii’
Now what’s this about?
She flips through the book. Meanwhile Harvey’s having a
great time with His Grandad.
Harvey– You make it sound like so much fun Mr. Berry. Why
did they call it the depression?
Mr. Berry– Not everybody liked apples as much as I did.
And across the room Libby hangs on Nana’s every word.
Libby– So tell me more about Ethan Hawke.
Nana– Oh, he’s a nice boy.
Libby– Does he ever come to visit?
Nana– when I call him.
Libby– Well, what are you waiting for?
Back with the sleeping Mrs. Hartle, Sabrina’s getting way too
deep into the ancient history of the Hawaiian islands.
Sabrina– (Reading) ‘Toys made from Taro root’ Isn’t that
fascinating?
Mrs. Hartle– Zzzzzzz. Zzzzzz.
Sabrina– I’ll read on.
Int. The Senior Center outer hallway. Sabrina’s got her coat
and is leaving, Libby’s having another go at the soda
machine and spots her.
Libby– Hi Sabrina. I was just getting some sodas for me and
Nana.
Sabrina– That’s nice, I’m going home.
Libby– So soon, why?
Sabrina– Well I’ve been here two hours and Mrs. Hartle
woke up just long enough to tell me why foreigners are
ruining this country and then she went back to sleep.
Libby– Oh too bad. Nana and I are having the best time. In
fact I think this project may turn out to be very rewarding. I
should thank you for that, Sabrina.
Sabrina– You’re thanking me?
Libby– Well I’d better go back in now, I don’t want to
keep my Nana waiting.
She turns for the door and in a fit of annoyance Sabrina
turns her socks back to a matching pair of black ones. Libby
exits without noticing.
Sabrina– Ha!
Int. Spellman Living room. Hilda is at the front door taking a
bouquet of flowers from a delivery guy.
Delivery Guy– Would you innitial here sir?
Hilda signs his clip board.
Hilda– Thank you, and it’s Ma’am.
She takes the flowers and closes the door. Zelda comes
through from the kitchen.
Zelda– Who was that?
Hilda– More flowers.
Zelda– Huh, Rick is not giving up easily.
She takes them and finds a place for them amoung the
veritable florists that is the Spellman living room.
Hilda– He is one determined young man… but not so young
as to make a relationship impossible.
Zelda– They are beautiful aren’t they?
Hilda– Zeldy, do what you want but er, my female intuition
tells me you still like this guy and if that’s true you shouldn’t
let age get in the way. You’re as young as you feel.
Zelda finally finds a place for the new flowers on the piano
then turns to her sister.
Hilda– (Cont.) I’m six hundred and twelve, do I look it?
Zelda– Well, the beard makes you look older but you might
be right. There’s a lot of stuff about Rick I like and maybe
he’ll mature. I think I’ll call him.
She sets off to do just that then turns.
Zelda– (Cont.) Oh and Hilda, thank’s for caring.
Hilda– That’s what sisters are for.
They hug but as they part again.
Hilda– (Cont.) Oh wait! Oh! Aw!
Her beard hair is caught in the buttons of Zelda’s cardigan
Hilda– (Cont.) Oh! Aw! Don’t pull, aw!!
Int. Westbridge High School, Science class.
Mr. Pool– And so the outer ear channels the sound waves to
the ear-drum…
Libby whispers something to Jill beside her.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) …which picks up the vibrations….
Jill leans forward and whispers to Cee Cee.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) …Then three tiny bones in the middle ear…
Cee Cee leans over to the boy next to her and whispers to
him.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) …carry the movement to the cochleae…
The boy taps the shoulder of the girl in front and whispers to
her.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) …Which is filled with fluid and cells…
The girl leans across and whispers to the boy beside her.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) …with tiny hairs that move and do you
think I can’t hear you whispering? Come on, I’ve got three
tiny bones in my ear. Now does someone want to tell me
what this is all about?
The last student in the chain leans forward and whispers in
Mr. Pool’s ear.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) What! Libby’s gonna meet Ethan Hawke?
How do you know him?
Libby– He’s a friend of a friend. You do a good deed, you get
a little back.
Sabrina bursts into laughter but quickly stifles it. Libby glares
across at her.
Mr. Pool– What’s so funny?
Sabrina– Oh, um… the word cochleae.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina comes out of the classroom with
Libby on her heels.
Libby– You were laughing at me in class weren’t you?
Sabrina– No, I wasn’t.
Libby– Yes, you were.
Sabrina– No, I wasn’t.
Libby– Oh come on, I’ve laughed at enough people to know
when I’m being laughed at.
Sabrina– Okay I was, but just because I never thought
you’d be so gullible.
Libby– Gullible? D’you wanna tell me what you mean by
that?
She looks around at the passing students.
Libby– (Cont.) Quietly.
Sabrina– Let’s see, how can I put this nicely? Oh, I can’t.
Nana’s whacked! Look, she doesn’t know Pete, she doesn’t
know Keanu, she doesn’t know Noah and she doesn’t know
Brad.
Libby– Yes she does, I’ve seen the scrap book.
Sabrina– So have I, it’s all cut outs from magazines but
have you seen any real proof?
Libby– She has a Johnny Pneumonic T-shirt.
Sabrina– Look, I fell for it to. I mean who wouldn’t… Until
the DiCaprio turtles.
Libby reaches into the top pocket of her jacket and takes out
a carefully wrapped chocolate turtle.
Libby– You mean Leonardo didn’t make this?
Sabrina– Eat it, let the sugar comfort you.
Libby– Then all the time I spent with Nana has been a total
waste.
Sabrina– No, you made a dear old woman happy.
Libby– Oh please! If I could sue, I would.
She throws the chocolate turtle into a trash can.
Sabrina– Look, why don’t you just forget about it?
Libby– How? It was just announced to the whole class,
which means It will spread to the entire school which is
exactly what I wanted when I thought I was gonna meet
Ethan.
Sabrina– Libby, you’re getting all red.
Libby– I’m so humiliated. She’s not going to get away with
this.
Sabrina– What is that supposed to mean?
Libby– After school I’m going to the Senior Center and rip
Nana a new Afghan.
She storms off down the hall.
Sabrina– (Calling after) Look, leave her alone. Why don’t
you take it out on me, you love doing that.
Int. The Senior Center, after school. Libby barges in raging
and throwing both doors back, everyone turns at the
commotion.
Libby– I wanna talk to you!
Nana– Libby, what a pleasant surprise.
Libby– Sit down Nana, if that is your real name.
Nana– What’s wrong, you seem upset.
Libby– I am upset. You said I was going to meet Ethan
Hawke.
Nana– Well… you’re not.
Libby– So you lied to me.
Nana– Oh that’s a little harsh. In my day we called them tall
tails.
Libby– You have no idea what you have done do you?
Nana– Not really.
Libby– I’m going to be teased about this for weeks and then
again every time a new Ethan Hawke movie comes out. I
mean my only hope is his career takes a total nose dive,
which means I have to root against him and I really cared.
Nana– Sorry.
Libby– Sorry’s not enough! You did a number on me. I hope
you’re happy you lying, sad, pathetic old woman!
She turns and storms out as she stormed in. Nana jumps up
and goes after her.
Nana– Libby! Libby! Libby!
Libby doesn’t stop.
Int. The Senior Center outer hallway. Libby comes out and
goes straight round the corner. Nana follows her out.
Nana– (Calling after) I never meant to hurt you.
But Libby’s gone. Nana turns with a big smile on her face.
Nana– (Cont.) Ooow! She was mad.
She has a quick look around to make sure the hallway is
empty then does a little happy dance and in the process of it
transforms back to an all dancing all smiles Sabrina. A
second later the real Nana comes round the corner.
Nana– Sabrina, you were right. I thoroughly enjoyed my
walk.
Sabrina– Well, a little fresh air always does one good.
Nana– So is it just you and me or will Libby be stopping by?
Sabrina– Er, I don’t think you’ll see her around here again.
She… made up with her real grandmother.
Nana– Oh that’s nice. Oh I’ll miss her, she’s such a sweet
girl.
Sabrina– Nana, you an excellent judge of character.
Nana– Hey, do you wanna catch a movie?
Sabrina– Sure, we’ll go and see one of your friends. I think
Ethan Hawke has a new movie out.
Nana– U-hu, he called.
She links her arm with Sabrina and they walk off down the
hallway.
Sabrina– Oh, what did he say?
Nana– He asked all about you.
They go round the corner laughing.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina enters through the back door
with her nap sack on her shoulder.
Sabrina– Hi.
Hilda– Hey, where have you been?
Sabrina– Nana and I went to see the new Ethan Hawke
movie and its going to be huge. Hey, you shaved your beard.
Hilda– Yeah, the up keep was too much and the weirdest
guys kept coming on to me.
Zelda– (OS) Ha-ha-ha! you’re nuts.
Sabrina– Who’s aunt Zelda with?
Hilda– Rick. The younger man is back in the picture.
Sabrina– I’ve got to check this out.
Int. Spellman living room. Zelda sits on the settee with Rick
as the sliding doors to the dining room open.
Sabrina– Pardon me.
Rick turns to see who it is.
Sabrina– Mr. Berry!
Mr. Berry– Sabrina!
Zelda– You know each other?
Mr. Berry– Yes, from the Senior Center. What a small world.
Zelda– Sabrina is my niece.
Mr. Berry– You look too young to be her aunt.
Zelda– Oh Rick.
They hold hands.
Sabrina– I’ll leave you two alone.
The sliding doors slide shut again.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina enters.
Sabrina– Hey Salem, d’you wanna, whoa! What happened to
you?
Salem sits on her bed, his tail lazily flipping from side to side.
It’s the only thing that still looks like a cat. The rest looks like
a long black wig having a very, very bad hair day.
Salem– Too much soup. Groom me. Please groom me.
(Sob!)
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The next morning. Zelda
stands in front of the linen closet folding… well linen. Hilda
comes up the stairs.
Run Credits.
Hilda– Hey Zelda, did you have some of the tuna, noodle
casserole I put in the fridge last night?
Zelda– No. Why?
Hilda– Somebody took a big chunk out of it.
Zelda– I’d check with Salem.
Hilda– Right, Tuna. Well he’ll regret that, I threw in the left
over soup.
Zelda– You didn’t?
Hilda– Yes. I know it has horrible side effects but I just hate
throwing away food.
Sabrina’s bedroom door opens and she comes out in her
dressing gown.
Sabrina– Good morning.
Her aunts stare at her with raised eye brows.
Sabrina– (Cont.) What? What?!
Hilda– (To Zelda) Not Salem.
Sabrina raises her hand to her face and her fingers brush the
whiskers of her neat blonde goatee beard and matching tash.
She lets out a scream of shock and dashes back into her
room.
First Kiss
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
First Kiss
Written by – Carrie Honigblum & Renee Phillips
Transcribed by – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Drell – Penn Jillette
Zak – Paul Michael Robinson
Game Show Host – Peter Marshall
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman kitchen Hilda sits at the counter with Salem.
Between them is a box of chocolate.
Hilda– Are you sure?
Salem– Yes, my incredible sence of smell tell’s me that’s a
caramel.
Hilda takes a bite.
Hilda– Uck! cherry Cordial
She spits it out as Sabrina enters carrying a large heart
shaped red card.
Salem– Really? Maybe you should get a dog.
Sabrina– I need help. I don’t know what to put on Harvey’s
valentine.
Hilda– What do you have so far?
Sabrina– Dear Harvey. I don’t like it.
Salem– I can help you with this one. Put ‘You rock my world’
Guys love that.
Hilda takes a bite of another chocolate while Sabrina
considers Salem’s suggestion.
Hilda– Maple butter-cream. Yuck!
She throws it in the sink as Zelda comes in.
Zelda– Who got chocolates?
Salem– You did, from Dirk, the mailman.
Zelda– How sweet.
Hilda– Yeah, but there are hardly any caramels.
She holds one up.
Hilda– Does this look like one?
Sabrina– Only one way to find out.
She grabs it from Hilda and bites it in half.
Hilda– Sabrina!
Sabrina spits out the choc.
Sabrina– Marzipan!
Hilda holds out another.
Hilda– Okay. Now this one.
Sabrina– U-uh!
Zelda– Quit touching them. Use a spell.
She points at the box and half a dozen chocolates rise out of
the tray and float above the box.
Zelda– (Cont.) There.
Sabrina– That was easy.
Hilda– Yeah. But it takes all the mystery out of life.
Sabrina grabs a floating chocolate.
Run Opening Credits.
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Harvey and Sabrina
stand facing each other with their hands behind their backs.
Sabrina and Harvey– (Together) One. Two. Three.
They both bring their hands round revealing two heart
shaped valentine cards. Sabrina gives Harvey the big one she
has made and Harvey gives her the tiny one he’s made.
Harvey– Wow! Yours is so big.
Sabrina– And yours is so… cute. (Reading) ‘Happy Val day
Sab’
Harvey– I thought ‘Sab’ would be a cool nick-name for you.
Sabrina– Really?
Harvey– Who am I kidding? My valentines started out just
as big as yours but I kept trying to make it even and it got
smaller and smaller.
Sabrina– But I love it, it’s very symmetrical.
Harvey– Y’see that’s what I was going for. I love symmetry.
Things just look nicer that way. Like your face. It’s really
symmetrical.
He takes a step forward and bends down towards that lovely
symmetrical face that turns up to meet him with a smile.
They are inches from the kiss when the school bell rings.
They both jump.
Sabrina– The Bell! We’re late! Um. To be continued?
Harvey– Yeah.
Sabrina dashes off to class.
Harvey– (Cont.)(Calling after) Happy Val day, Sab!
Ext. Spellman porch. Harvey escorts Sabrina to the door
carrying his big, heart shaped, red card.
Sabrina– Well, thanks for walking me home.
Harvey– Maybe I should walk you in. Make sure you get to
the living room okay.
Sabrina– I’d like that.
She fishes out her keys and they enter.
Int. Spellman living room.
Sabrina– Well, here we are.
Harvey– We made it!
Sabrina– Um. Since we came this far, do you wanna stay
and hang out?
Harvey– It sounds like fun.
Sabrina– Okay. Wait here, I’ll just go a see if my aunts are
around.
She heads for the kitchen.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is sat on the table using a
pencil clamped in his jaws to tap on the lap-top computer
keys as Sabrina enters removing her coat.
Sabrina– Salem, what are you doing?
Salem– Nothing!
Sabrina– You’re in a chat-room again pretending to be a
woman aren’t you?
She takes the pencil from his mouth.
Salem– I like the attention.
Sabrina– Well say goodbye.
She closes the lap-top and moves it away.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Harvey’s here and you’d better start acting
cattier.
Salem– Mean!
Sabrina– Where are my aunts?
Salem– They went to the Goya exhibit at the museum. Did
you know Zelda was one of his models?
Sabrina– Didn’t know, don’t care.
Harvey’s head appears around the edge of the door.
Harvey– Hey.
Sabrina and Salem– Hmm?
Harvey– Got anything to eat?
Sabrina– I was just checking.
She goes to the refrigerator while Harvey’s body follows his
head into the kitchen.
Harvey– Wow! Great kitchen.
Sabrina– Yeah.
She looks inside but the shelves are bare. A quick point and a
tray of goodies fills them. She reaches in and pulls out the
lavish tray.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Do you like canapés?
Harvey– As much as the next guy.
Sabrina– Well lets go back in the living room.
Harvey– Oh! I’ll grab the cat. We can make him chase the
light reflected off my watch.
Sabrina– No! Er… He’s not allowed in the living room. Very
bad shedding problem.
Harvey– Really?
Sabrina– Better if he just stays here and minds his own
business.
They leave through to the living room.
Salem– (To himself) Like I don’t have anything better to do
than spy on her. Wait! I don’t!
Int. Spellman living room. A furry black face peeps round the
banister rail of the stairs watching Sabrina and Harvey on the
settee leafing through a photo book.
Salem– He-he!
Sabrina– (To Harvey) Isn’t Annie Leiberwitz cool? She does
everybody.
Harvey– Oh look at this one! Whoopy Goldberg in a bath-tub
o’ milk. I wonder if they warmed it before she got in.
Sabrina– I’m sure. She’s a star.
Sabrina turns the page and her hand brushes against
Harvey’s. Bright sparks leap across and both flinch back from
the shock.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Whoa!
Harvey– What was that?
Salem– (To Himself) U-oh! Sparks are flying.
Harvey– (To Sabrina) You know I don’t wanna look at this
book anymore.
He puts it aside.
Sabrina– What d’ya wanna do?
Harvey– …Kiss you?
Sabrina– Okay.
They both smile and lean forward. Their lips coming closer
and each hoping the reality will live up to their wonderful
dreams of this moment, when a dark presence comes
between them.
Salem– NEOOO!
They both leap out of the way.
Sabrina– SALEM!
Harvey– What’s with your cat?
Sabrina grabs Salem and looks up at Harvey.
Sabrina– I don’t know. I’ll go talk to him… I mean feed him
Haha. Be right back.
She leaves with Salem in her arms.
Int. Spellman kitchen. She puts him down on the counter.
Sabrina– You little sneak! How dare you! I can’t believe you
were spying on me.
Salem– And it’s a good thing I was. You can’t kiss Harvey.
Sabrina– Just watch me, and that’s a figure of speech.
Salem– But something horrible could happen. Didn’t your
aunts tell you. The sparks were a warning.
Sabrina– A warning? Of what?
Salem– You shouldn’t hear it from your cat, just trust me.
Do-not-kiss-Harvey!
Sabrina– Salem, are you being sincere?
Salem– Yes, and it pains me to do it.
Sabrina– Okay, I wont kiss Harvey but if you’re making this
up, I swear you will be neutered.
She turns towards the living room but turns again to face
Salem.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Slowly.
Int. Spellman living room. Harvey spits a half chewed canapé
into his napkin and puts it down as Sabrina returns.
Sabrina– Harvey!
Harvey– Yeah?
Sabrina– Ah, you have to go. There’s an emergency.
Harvey– What’s wrong?
Sabrina– My cats sick. He needs an operation.
Harvey– Can I do anything?
Sabrina– No. We’re going to use a certified vet.
Harvey– I’ll see you tomorrow. Maybe we can go to a
movie?
Sabrina– Sounds great!
She practically pushes him out of the door before closing it in
his face.
Sabrina– (Cont.)(To herself) Just great!
She stamps her foot in frustration.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Salem is sat on the counter as Zelda
and Hilda arrive home. Hilda holds up a postcard
Hilda– This ones going on the fridge.
Salem– How was the museum?
Hilda– It’s so funny. They’re selling postcards of Zelda…
nude!
She shows Salem the postcard.
Salem– Well Hel-lo!
Zelda– Excuse me! It’s art… and according to that guy in the
raincoat who was staring at me, a masterpiece.
Sabrina comes in from the living room agitated.
Sabrina– Idon’tunderstand,whycan’tIkissHarvey?
Hilda– This is what I heard. ‘Rhino hunting man, whick-a-
nickis Harvey’ Slow down.
Sabrina– I said ‘Why Can’t I Kiss Harvey?’
Zelda– Got it that time. Sabrina, have a seat. We need to
talk.
They all sit down round the table.
Sabrina– Nothing good ever comes of talking.
Zelda– You see when a witch kisses a mortal for the first
time, the mortal turns into a frog.
Sabrina– A frog? Look, if you guys don’t like Harvey just…
Hilda– (Interrupting) No! No! No! We like him. Otherwise we
wouldn’t be warning you.
Sabrina– So if I kiss Harvey he turns into a frog. It sounds
like something out of a fairy tail?
Zelda– Well they had to get it from somewhere.
Hilda– Do you think they make that stuff up?
Sabrina– So I can never kiss Harvey?
Zelda– Not without transmogrifying him.
Hilda– That’s not a good thing.
Sabrina– My life is ruined, I hate being a witch!
She jumps up and runs heartbroken upstairs to her room.
Hilda jumps up and runs to the foot of the stairs.
Hilda– (Calling after) Oh-no! It’s not so bad. I went through
high school without kissing.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. At least that’s what I think it is. It’s
awfully dark in there. And silent until there’s a light knock at
the door. It opens showing two silhouetted figures.
Zelda– Can we come in?
Sabrina– Sure.
Hilda– Can we turn on the light?
Sabrina– If you must.
The light goes on revealing Sabrina curled up in her chair
with the teeny, tiny valentine card in her hands. The tears
have dried but the pain remains.
Hilda– We’ve been doing some research that we think you
should know about.
Zelda– We checked the handbook and since you’re half
mortal there’s only a fifty-fifty chance that Harvey will turn
into a frog.
Sabrina– So it’s good news?
Hilda– well there’s a fifty percent chance that it’s good news
and a fifty percent chance that it’s bad.
Zelda– It’s sort of a coin toss.
Hilda– Here.
She points at her hand and produces a silver dollar. She
hands it to Sabrina.
Hilda– (Cont.) Flip it, you’ll see what we mean.
Sabrina– Okay. Heads: He stays Harvey, tails: He’s a frog.
She flips the coin, catches it and places it on the back of her
hand before looking.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Tails. Maybe two out of three.
She flips the coin again.
Int. Spellman living room. The next day. Sabrina flips the
coin.
Sabrina– Heads!
She flips again.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Tails. Ugh!
Salem– Why the Ugh!?
Sabrina– Out of a hundred try’s it came out fifty heads and
fifty tails. What are the odds of that happening.
Salem– Don’t ask me, I was an English major.
The door bell rings.
Sabrina– Who could that be?
She heads for the door to find out.
Salem– I’m not expecting company. Are you?
A glance through the frosted glass of the door tells all.
Sabrina– It’s Harvey and I look like laundry!
She points at herself and changes into a cute black dress, her
hair gets a magical brushing and her face a touch of make-up
and she grows a couple of inches as her trainers become
heeled shoes.
Sabrina– (Cont.) There.
Salem– Chic.
She answers the door.
Sabrina– Hi! What are you doing here?
Harvey– Don’t you remember? Yesterday I said I’d see you
tomorrow.
Sabrina– And today’s tomorrow.
Harvey– Right. So do you still wanna go to a movie?
Sabrina– Sure. Wait! They keep those theatres kinda dark
don’t they? I’d better go ask my aunts. Stay here.
She dashes off.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda’s working at her computer as
Sabrina rushes in.
Sabrina– Harvey’s here and he want’s to go to the movies.
What should I do?
Zelda– See ‘Shine’ Everybody’s raving about it.
Sabrina– You know what I mean.
Zelda– I see no reason why two friends can’t go to the
movies.
Sabrina– Right. Two friends.
Zelda– Just be careful. Would it help if I gave him a bad
breath spell?
Sabrina– No, I still have to sit next to him. Can we crunch
those numbers one more time?
Zelda– I checked with MIT. They’re still fifty-fifty.
Sabrina– Well, let me know if they change.
She grabs her coat and heads off to the living room.
Ext. Spellman porch. Harvey’s still waiting. Sabrina arrives
ready to go.
Sabrina– All right. Let’s go.
Harvey– Great. I’m really looking forward to this.
Sabrina– Me too old buddy, old pal.
She punches his arm in a old buddy, old pal sort of way.
Int. Harvey’s car. They reach for the seat belts and buckle
up.
Harvey– So. What kind of movie are you up for?
Sabrina– Something with a lot of random property damage.
Harvey– ‘Vindicator III’ just opened.
Sabrina– Perfect.
She is still struggling with her seat belt.
Harvey– Let me help you with that. They’re kinda tricky.
He gets her strapped in.
Harvey– (Cont.) There.
He looks across at her. There eyes meet.
Harvey– (Cont.) You look really pretty tonight.
He leans over to kiss her.
Sabrina– Thanks, so do you. let’s go.
Int. Westbridge Roxy Cinema. Harvey and Sabrina sit in the
darkness of the back seats. a carton of popcorn on Harvey’s
knee as they watch the film. Well at least Harvey’s watching
the movie. Sabrina seems to have found her own amusement
as she continuously flips a shiny silver dollar.
Harvey– Now is he the real vindicator or the replicator?
Sabrina– Heads.
There’s a crash and an explosion from the big screen and
Harvey flinches.
Sabrina– (Cont.) I’m sorry. What did you say?
Harvey– It’s not important. Whoever he is, now he’s dead.
Hey, you look really pretty tonight.
She looks up from her coin and their eyes meet. She smiles
and he leans across to kiss her. She gives a flick of her magic
finger and all the popcorn leaps from the carton all over
Harvey.
Sabrina– Oh! Better get more popcorn.
She grabs the carton and dashes off to the concession stand.
Int. ‘The Evil Bean’ Coffee house. Sabrina sits at a table
tossing her coin as Harvey returns with two cups of coffee
and a muffin.
Harvey– Here ya go.
Sabrina– Heads! Alright!
Harvey– Why do you keep flipping that coin?
Sabrina– Well if it comes up heads a hundred times in a row
I win a prize. Tails. Stupid eagle!
Harvey– Hey, do ya know what the best part of that movie
was?
Sabrina– The end credits with the Lou Reed song?
Harvey hutches his seat closer.
Harvey– No. Seeing it with you.
Sabrina– Thanks.
Harvey– You look really pretty tonight.
He leans forward to kiss her only to find the muffin between
their lips as Sabrina takes a bite. Sabrina holds it out to him.
Sabrina– Muffin?
Int. Harvey’s car. It pulls up outside Sabrina’s house and she
wastes no time in unclipping the seat-belt.
Sabrina– Well that was fun. Best time two friends could
have. Well nothing left to say so good night and gods-speed.
She reaches for the door handle.
Harvey– Sabrina! Can we talk?
Sabrina– What about?
Harvey– Has something changed between us?
Sabrina– What d’ya mean?
Harvey– Well maybe I’m reading too much into this but
yesterday I got the feeling that you wanted to kiss me, and
today I feel like you don’t.
Sabrina– No Harvey. It’s just… You see I… I can’t explain.
Harvey– That’s all right. You don’t have to. I mean if that’s
what you want we can just be… Friends.
Sabrina– I think that would be the best for both of us.
Harvey– All right. I’ll walk you to the door. Oh man! I really
wanted to kiss you.
And he’s not the only one who really wanted it. Sabrina sits
and weighs her options. It’s a great risk but…
Sabrina– Harvey.
Harvey– Yeah?
She reaches across and takes him by the shoulders, leans
forward and pulls him close. Their lips finally meet in a brief,
wonderful union. They break apart and Sabrina studies him
closely.
Sabrina– You’re still here!
Harvey– I’ll always be here for you Sabrrrribit.
He sinks into himself before her eyes. Takes on a greenish
tinge as his hands and feet become webbed. The
transformation is quick and complete leaving a small bull-
frog sat on the drivers seat of the car.
Harvey– (Cont.) Ribit!
Sabrina– I was afraid you’d say that.
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda is practising on her fiddle
playing a frantic piece requiring total concentration with
Salem for an audience as Sabrina runs in holding Harvey the
frog.
Sabrina– Help! Help!
Salem– What’s the matter?
Sabrina– I turned Harvey into a frog!
Zelda arrives at her nieces call as Hilda obliviously plays on.
Zelda carefully takes Harvey from Sabrina.
Zelda– Oh-no!
Sabrina– You’re not helping with that music aunt Hilda.
Hilda stops and turns.
Hilda– Sorry.
Zelda– I thought you were going to just be friends?
Sabrina– I tried but I failed and now we’re not even the
same species.
Zelda– Well first thing first. Let’s keep him moist.
She snaps her fingers and produces a plant sprayer and gives
Harvey a few squirts.
Zelda– (Cont.) And secondly. There’s still hope.
Hilda– Right. The true love clause.
Sabrina– What’s that?
Hilda– There’s a test you can take to determine if it’s true
love, and if it is Harvey will change back into a person.
Sabrina– And if it isn’t.
Hilda– You’ll be changed into a frog.
Sabrina– Aren’t those stakes kinda high? I mean Harvey’s
super-cute and I really really like him but how am I supposed
to know if it’s true love?
Salem– Well do you think about him when he’s not around?
Sabrina– Yeah.
Zelda– And does your heart beat faster when you see him
walking down the hall?
Sabrina– Yeah.
Hilda– And does it bother you when he chews gum?
Sabrina– No.
Hilda– Then it might be true love.
Sabrina– I’m taking the test! Is it multiple choice?
Int. The National Institute of Love. The Other Realm.
Somebody sure thinks pink and lavender are the colours of
love as everything is one or the other. The love seat, the
carpet, the walls, the roses covering the trellis archway, even
the gravel in the bottom of the tank containing the results of
failed tests. Frogs hop about and gaze out from the tank.
Sabrina and her aunts enter carrying Harvey, the frog, in a
plastic case.
Sabrina– Where are we?
Hilda– The National Institute of Love.
Zelda– Normally it’s very clinical but they go all out for
valentines day.
They move through the trellis arch into the room and
Sabrina’s black dress becomes red to be more colour co-
ordinated with the room. Hilda and Zelda’s outfits suffer the
same fate.
Sabrina– Wow! They really take their colour scheme
seriously.
Zelda– I’ll sign you in.
Hilda– Drell should be here any minute.
Sabrina– Drell gives the test!?
Hilda– Yeah. It’s kinda strange us seeing each other today.
It’s the ninety-forth anniversary of our thirty-second break-
up.
Sabrina– Congratulations.
Hilda– Thanks. Oh shh! Here he comes.
The giant head of the witches council saunters in in a colour
co-ordinated red silk smoking jacket and cravat.
Drell– Hello ladies, and Hilda.
Hilda– Drell.
Drell– So Sabrina, you’re here to take the test of true love
huh?
Sabrina– Yes I am.
Drell– The test is in three parts. Each one more horrifying
than the last. You scared?
Sabrina– A little.
Drell– Smart. Now you have a standard release form here.
The council is, of course, not responsible for the loss of hair,
dignity or personal items. Just er sign right here.
He hands her a pen and she signs on the dotted line.
Drell– (Cont.) If you want collision just initial the box.
Hilda– Oh don’t fall for that. It’s a rip-off.
Sabrina hands back the pen and there’s a horrible female
scream of agony from thin air.
Sabrina– What was that?!
Drell– You just signed your life away. So. You all set?
Sabrina– Yeah. Where do I start?
Drell– Start at door number one.
He shows her three pink doors along one wall and opens the
first one for her. Sabrina hands the clear plastic case with
Harvey in it to Zelda and Hugs both her aunts.
Hilda– Good luck.
Zelda– Follow your heart.
Sabrina– Don’t let Harvey dry out.
Drell– Come on!
Sabrina rushes to door number one and enters.
Int. The True Love Game Show studio. Intro music plays as
the game show host introduces the next contestant.
Host– Please welcome Sabrina Spellman.
The cheesy gold curtains rustle as Sabrina comes on stage
dressed in a sixties outfit. Pink phsicodelic mini-dress, white
knee-boots and heavily sprayed hair-do. Canned applause
welcomes her onto the show.
Sabrina– Oh! What is this?
Host– Part one of your test is the true love game. Here, sit
down.
He guides her to her seat.
Host– (Cont.) Would you like to meet your three Harveys?
Sabrina– Harveys? I like this game.
Host– Gentlemen, lets give your best hello’s to Sabrina.
Beyond the screen the three Harveys sit on stools all dressed
in suits the Monkeys would be proud of.
Harvey #1– Hey Sabrina.
Harvey #2– Hey! Sabrina.
Harvey #3– Hey Sabrina.
Sabrina– Hi Harvey’s.
Host– How well do you know the person you think you’re in
love with? Lets find out and here are the questions.
He hands some pink cards to Sabrina.
Sabrina– All right. Um. This question is for Harvey number
two. (Reading) ‘If I were a princess trapped in a tower. How
would you rescue me?’
Harvey #2– Well the thought of you makes me walk on air,
so I’d float right up and whisk you away.
Sabrina– That’s sweet. And Harvey number one. What
would you do?
Harvey #1– Blow up the tower.
Sabrina– Okay. Um. This questions for Harvey number
three. (Reading) ‘Describe Harvey numbers one’s best and
worst feature’
Harvey #3– Well he has really nice side-burns.
Harvey #1– Thanks man, you too.
Harvey #2– Hey, what about me?
Harvey #1– They’re okay.
Host– Come on guys. Lets just go on please.
Sabrina– Okay. This question is for all of you. (Reading)
‘What’s your favourite kind of triangle?’ These questions
don’t tell me anything.
Host– Nobody said the test would be easy.
Sabrina– Harvey number one, your triangle?
Harvey #1– Obtuse.
Sabrina– And why?
Harvey #1– I don’t know.
Sabrina– Harvey number two?
Harvey #2– Scalene. Definitely scalene.
Sabrina– And Harvey number three, what’s your favourite
kind of triangle.
Harvey #3– Equilateral. I like that it’s symmetrical.
Sabrina– That’s him! That’s my Harvey! Harvey number
three!
She jumps up and down with excitement.
Host– That’s right Sabrina and you’ve past part one.
The canned audience goes wild as she jumps for joy.
Sabrina– Whoo-Hoo!
Int. The National Institute of Love. Sabrina enters still
bouncing with excitement.
Sabrina– I passed!
Zelda– Ha-ha! Congratulations.
She gets a big hug.
Hilda– Way to go!
She high-fives.
Drell– Well you passed the test of friendship. True love can’t
exist without friendship. They make me say that.
Sabrina– I’m pumped. What’s next?
Drell– Um, Door number two.
Sabrina– Okay.
She bends down to Harvey the frog.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Wish me luck Harvey.
Harvey– Ribit!
Sabrina– Oh even as a frog he’s cute.
She dashes off through door #2. Zelda looks between Drell
and Hilda and sees their need to talk.
Zelda– Come on Harvey, let’s go and check the trellis for
bugs.
She leaves.
Hilda– So. What’s new in the life of the most powerful man
in the universe?
Drell– I finally moved out of my parents basement.
Hilda– Really?
Drell– Yeah, you were right. I-I should have done it
centuries ago.
Hilda– I told you. So you’ve got your own place?
Drell– Yeah.
Hilda– I’d love to come see it sometime.
Drell– Oh that’d-that’d be great. Especially if you brought
some furniture.
Ext. The National Institute of Love Pool area. (Round the
back, down the crazy-paving path, alongside the tennis and
basketball courts.) Sabrina sits stretched out on a sun-
lounger in her swimsuit and shades. She’s been sat there a
while and is getting a little worried and a touch pink as she
didn’t think to bring her sun-block.
Sabrina– Hello! Anybody! Is this a test for patience?
There a ripple across the water and a bronzed, well built,
handsome boy climbs dripping from the pool.
Zak– Hey!
Sabrina– Hi!
Zak– Ah is anyone sitting here?
He indicates the lounger beside Sabrina’s.
Sabrina– No. Go ahead.
Zak– Great.
He takes the towel from the lounger and starts to rub dry his
dark hair.
Zak– I’m Zak. So are you here to take the test?
Sabrina– Yeah, I wish they’d hurry.
Zak stretches himself on the lounger beside her.
Zak– Oh. Could be awhile so you should just relax. The sun
feels good, huh?
Sabrina– Yeah. It’s kinda cool to lay by the pool in the
middle of February.
Zak– Yeah. You know those sun glasses are great on you.
You look like a blonde Audrey Hepburn.
Sabrina– I love Audrey Hepburn! Which one of her movies is
your favourite?
Zak– Well I’d have to say ‘Sabrina’ I just love the name.
Sabrina– You’re kidding! That’s my name.
Zak– Wow! So Sabrina, are you hungry?
Sabrina– I hadn’t thought about it but I guess maybe a
little.
Zak– How about a piece of delicious chocolate cake?
He points at the little glass table between them and a huge
chunk of chocolate sponge cake filled with whipped cream
appears.
Sabrina– Wow, that looks amazing.
Zak– Oh it is. Here, have a little bite.
He cuts off a fork full and offers it temptingly to Sabrina.
Sabrina– I don’t know. I had a pretty big muffin earlier.
Zak– Ah come on. One little taste couldn’t hurt.
Sabrina– That’s true.
She leans forward to take the forkful in her mouth.
Zak– You look really pretty tonight.
She stops inches from the fork and looks at the mans
rippling, bronzed muscles. His charming smile and dark
flashing eyes.
Sabrina– Wait! You’re trying to make me forget about
Harvey aren’t you?
Zak– Harvey? Who’s Harvey?
Sabrina– Oh Ho-ho! You’re a sly one. But I can’t eat cake
when Harvey’s in trouble.
Zak– Ah yes you can!
Sabrina– No I can’t!
Zak– Eat it!
Sabrina– No!!
A bell rings and canned applause ripple round the pool.
Zak– Well that was the test. You passed.
Sabrina– I did? Whoo-Hoo!!
Zak– How about one bite to celebrate?
Sabrina– What do you take me for?
Int. The National Institute of Love. Sabrina comes back
through door #2 bouncing with delight again. She is hugged
by her aunts.
Sabrina– I passed and I got some colour in my cheeks.
Drell– Nicely done. You passed the test of fidelity.
Zelda– You resisted temptation. Something that tests every
relationship.
Drell– Zelda, do you mind. This is my gig.
Zelda– Sorry.
Sabrina– One more door and we’re out of here.
She heads for door #3 but…
Drell– Not so fast! The next test is really dangerous. Our
insurance carrier requires that you read this pamphlet.
He hands the pamphlet to Sabrina.
Sabrina– (Reading) ‘So you’re going to be a frog’?
Zelda– I’ll go over it with you honey.
She leads Sabrina away.
Drell– (To Hilda) What ya thinkin’?
Hilda– You’re asking me?
Drell– Yeah. Can’t a guy ask a girl what she’s thinkin’?
Hilda– I was just wondering. Do you think our old flame is
still burning?
Drell– Well there’s one way to find out.
Hilda– You still have it?
Drell– Yeah. No-one bought it at the garage-sale. It’s over
here.
He leads her over to an ornate heart shaped box on a table.
Hilda– You open it, I’m afraid to look.
He takes hold of the two tiny door handles in his huge fingers
and slowly opens the front of the box. A candle burns brightly
within. Hilda sucks in a breath.
Drell– Yes! The old flame is still burning.
Hilda– After all these years.
Drell– You can warm soup over it.
Hilda– Maybe what we had was special. I’m going to take
the test of true love.
Drell– For me?
Hilda– For us.
Drell– I’ll be waiting.
Hilda– Maybe this could be the beginning of something
wonderful.
She turns and dashes towards door #1 but stops and turns
before entering.
Hilda– (Cont.) Drell! You rock my world.
And then she’s gone. Drell flicks his long, curly hair back over
his shoulder.
Drell– (To himself) I’m as giddy as a school-girl.
Int. The True Love Game Show set. The shows Host
introduces the next contestant to rapturous canned applause.
Host– Say hello to Hilda Spellman.
Hilda comes dancing round the curtain in her lime green
sixties outfit.
Hilda– Groo-vy!
She takes her seat.
Host– Right guys. Give your best hello’s to Hilda.
Drell #1– Hi Hilda.
Drell #2– Hilda Baby.
Drell #3– Yo Hilda.
Hilda– Hi Drell’s. I think I already know.
Host– Cool your jets. That’s not how we play.
Hilda– Sorry.
He hands Hilda her question cards.
Host– M-hm.
Hilda– Drell number two. (Reading) ‘If you were a
condiment. what would you be?’
Drell #1– (To Drell #2) It’s a stupid question.
Drell #3– (To Drell #2) Ketchup! Ketchup! Say Ketchup!
Drell #2– (To Hilda) Mustard. So I could spice up your life.
Hilda– That’s him! That’s my Drell!
Host– Incorrect. Games over.
Hilda– Number three?
Host– No.
Hilda– Number one?
Host– I said it’s over.
Hilda– No it’s not!
She throws her question cards at the host and heads for the
Drell’s. The host makes a grab for her.
Host– (Calling) Security!
Int. The National Institute of love. Drell paces expectantly as
Sabrina and Zelda go over the pamphlet. Hilda enters
through door #1
Drell– What, no canned applause?
Hilda– Sorry.
She bends down to the little heart shaped box and blows out
the eternal flame.
Sabrina– I’ve finished the pamphlet.
Drell– So you’ve decided what kind of frog you wanna be?
Sabrina– Yeah, I’ve selected the flying tree-frog.
Drell– Excellent choice. Then it’s time for the last test. But
this one isn’t…
He turns to Hilda.
Drell– (Cont.) Easy (To Sabrina) like the others.
Zelda– Good luck and don’t be nervous.
Sabrina– I’m not nervous. I mean I know it’s true love. So
therefore I have no reason to be nervous.
Drell– Er push. Don’t pull, push.
Sabrina pushes open door #3 and nervously enter.
Ext. The badlands. The New Jersey side of the river. The
weak sun cannot penetrate the evil smelling smog that
pervades the area. You can’t see your hand in front of your
face. A voice calls in the darkness.
Sabrina– Hello! Is anybody here?
Her voice echoes in the endless void.
Harvey– Sabrina?
Sabrina– Harvey! Where are you?
Harvey– I’m not sure. It’s dark in here. See if you can find a
light switch.
She feels around herself in the darkness.
Sabrina– Wait, here’s one.
She flicks it and immediately wishes she hadn’t. The light
source is a raging sheet of searing flame leaping up from the
deep chasm of flowing molten lava at her feet. She stands on
one side of the chasm beside a signpost. One arm points
away from the chasm saying ‘Safe road’ the other points
across it saying ‘True love’ In between is a conveniently
situated light switch. Harvey stands on the other side and a
rickety slatted wooden bridge stretches between them across
the fiery gulf.
Sabrina– I don’t like this. What’s going on?
Harvey– It’s a test of faith. You have to get to me.
Sabrina– Does the safe road come out anywhere near you?
Harvey– No. I think it dead-ends in the suburbs.
Sabrina– Then there’s only one way.
She takes a tentative step onto the rickety bridge.
Sabrina– (To herself) Scared.
A few more steps and the searing rising heat from below
makes sweat immediately prickle on her skin.
Sabrina– (To herself) Hot! Really scared! Really hot!!
The leaping flames touch beneath the bridge charring the
ropes that hold the slats in place. He foot comes down at a
weak spot and the whole center section of the bridge drops
into the chasm and is vaporised instantly. Sabrina screams
but manages to leap back before she follows it.
Harvey– Get back! It’s not worth it.
Sabrina– Yes it is! I can do this!
She backs up a way and looks down at the yawning gap in
the bridge. With a short run she takes a leap of total faith but
the gap is too wide. She’s falling short and a fiery, agonising
death beckons until two strong hands grab her and pull her
safely into their embrace.
Sabrina– I made it! Oh Harvey!
She throws her arms around his neck just as he fizzles out
and vanishes.
Sabrina– All that for a hologram?!
Int. The National Institute of Love. Drell is lay across the love
seat with Harvey, the frog, in it’s case on his chest. He
studies it forlornly wondering what the frog has that he
doesn’t. Sabrina comes back in through door #3 once again
bouncing around with joy.
Sabrina– I did it! I passed! It is true love.
She gives Zelda a huge hug.
Zelda– Oh Sabrina, that’s wonderful!
Sabrina– I have to admit I had my doubts. But now I can
shout it to the world. I HAVE A TRUE LOVE!
Drell– Don’t rub it in. Take your frog and go.
Sabrina– But I passed, why’s Harvey still a frog?
Zelda– There’s one final detail. To change him back you
have to return to the scene of the kiss and kiss him again.
Sabrina– I have to kiss a frog? That is so gross.
Zelda– (To Drell) Teenagers! They’ll jump through flames
but ask them to kiss a frog.
Drell– Would you go?
Zelda– (To Sabrina) Come on.
She pushes her niece towards the trellised archway.
Sabrina– Wait! Where’s aunt Hilda?
Zelda– Shhh! Don’t ask.
Ext. The National Institute of Love. Pool area. Hilda sits in the
handsome Zak’s lap surrounded by cakes, pies, trifles, and
drinks.
Hilda– Hmm! Zak, this pecan pie is fabulous. Even better
than the cheesecake. Is that meringue?
Zak smiles and picks up the meringue.
Int. Harvey’s car. Sabrina sits in the passenger seat and lifts
the frog towards her lips. She grimaces.
Sabrina– Your lips are all slimy.
She tries again and closing her eyes manages to kiss the
little amphibian. She quickly puts him down on the drivers
seat and sure enough within seconds her handsome prince is
beside her. His lips are pursed so she smiles and kisses him
again.
Sabrina– It worked! That was great!
Harvey– I know! That’s why I’ve been trying to kiss you all
night.
Sabrina– Can we try it again? I think I might enjoy it more
this time.
Harvey– Me too. I have to admit I was pretty nervous.
The both lean forward and there lips brush one another.
There may be no sparks flying this time but there is definitely
a charge there. We’ll leave them for a while as they wont be
coming up for air any time soon.
Ext. The Spellman porch. Two faces are at the frosted glass
looking out.
Zelda– Aren’t they cute?
Salem– Yeah. I’m glad she passed but I still can’t believe
you let her take that risk.
Zelda– There was no risk. I knew she’d pass.
Int. Spellman living room. Zelda looks down at the black
bundle of fur in her arms.
Salem– You did?
Zelda– At sixteen, it’s always true love.
Salem– Why didn’t you tell her?
Zelda– Because now she thinks it’s extra-special.
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Harvey rushed up to
Sabrina at her locker between classes on Monday morning.
Harvey– Hi Sab.
Sabrina– Harvey!
Run credits.
Harvey– I just found out I don’t have basketball practice, so
if you want I can give you a ride home.
Sabrina– And miss getting stuff thrown at me on the bus?
Hmm… Okay!
Harvey– Great! Then I’ll meet you here at three-thirty?
Sabrina– Great.
Harvey– See ya.
Sabrina– See ya.
Harvey turns and walks down the hall with a peculiar springy
walk.
Sabrina– (Calling after) Harvey!
Harvey– Yeah?
Sabrina– It’s kinda too bad you don’t have basketball
practice today.
Harvey looks at her confused before hopping off round the
corner. Sabrina laughs to herself and puts her books away.
As Westbridge Turns
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
As Westbridge Turns
Written By – Nick Bakay
Transcribed By – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Jenny – Michelle Beaudoin
Libby – Jenna Leigh Green
Mr Pool – Paul Feig
Jill – Bridget Flanery
Nurse Nancy – Donna D’errico
Janitor Stone – John Loprieno
Fashion Director – Beverly Johnson
Cop – Harold Sylvester
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina has a girl to cat talk with
Salem.
Sabrina– I say this because I love you Salem. It’s time you
experimented with a new fur colour, you need to update your
look.
Salem– But basic black is always in fashion.
Sabrina– How about going blonde? You’d fit in better with
the rest of the family.
Salem– Please, think of the roots.
Sabrina– But I wanna do something. Come on, I’m bored.
Salem– All right, I’ll agree to a henna rinse to bring out my
natural red highlights but that’s it.
Sabrina– Okay, henna it is.
She picks up Salem and carries him over to a strange device
on the counter apparently made from an old salon hair dryer.
Salem– And you’re sure you know what you’re doing?
Sabrina– I triple checked the magic book.
She puts him inside the device and closes the front.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Okay, now get ready to look gorgeous.
Salem– Don’t I at least get a magazine?
She points at the device, the inside lights up for a couple of
seconds and a timer pings.
Sabrina– All done.
Salem– I’m tingling.
Sabrina– Let’s see the new you.
She lifts the front visor and Salem sticks his head out.
Salem– I think it worked.
Sabrina– O-ho!
Salem– O-ho what?
Sabrina holds up a hand mirror for Salem to see the new
him. He yelps in horror to see that all his lush black fur has
gone.
Salem– (Cont.) I’m naked!
Sabrina– Don’t panic, I can fix this.
Salem– How?
Sabrina– I’ll go get my aunts.
She runs off to find them.
Salem– (Calling after) And a sweater, I’m freezing my tail off
<Sob!>
Run opening credits
Int. Westbridge High School hallway. Sabrina’s at her locker
when Jenny joins her.
Jenny– Hey!
Sabrina– Hey Jenny, what’s new?
Jenny– Nothing. Nothing’s ever new.
Sabrina– Well we’re going to science, maybe something’ll
blow up.
Int. Science class.
Mr. Pool– All right quiet, focus. Today we’re going to be
looking at the Endocrine system, which includes the thyroid,
the pancreas and the islets of Langerhans, where I spent my
summer vacation.
He laughes at his little joke but the class is totally
unresponsive. He holds up his pointer like a microphone and
gives it a tap.
Mr. Pool– Hello! Is this thing on? Hello!
Int. School Cafeteria. Sabrina sits with Jenny, they pick and
play with their food.
Jenny– Fish sticks again. We measure out our lives in fish
sticks.
Sabrina– They’re not so bad. Look.
She’s built a small scale monument out of hers with mashed
potato as a foundation.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Fishhenge, a deep fried tribute to the
druids. Hey, here comes Harvey, maybe he’s got exciting
news.
He joins them having heard her.
Harvey– I do.
Sabrina– (To Jenny) See?
Harvey– Yeah, I just got my car realigned. It used to veer
slightly to the left, and now it doesn’t.
Sabrina– That’s it? Okay we are now officially in a rut.
Libby and Jill come over smiling and almost shaking with
excitement.
Libby– We have the most exciting news!
Sabrina– Not you.
Libby– We’ve been asked to join the teen-board of Drake’s
department store.
Jill– And guess who’s modelling formal wear in the school
courtyard tomorrow night?
Libby– Me!
Jill– And me!
Sabrina– Why are you telling us?
Libby– We’re not telling you, we’re telling Harvey. We really
need boys to volunteer as escorts.
Harvey– Don’t look at me, the only statement I want my
clothes to make is ‘Please don’t stare.’
Libby– But you get to wear a tux and super-shiny shoes.
Harvey– I’d have to lose my mind before I’d do something
like that.
Libby– Well let me know if you do.
She leaves with Jill.
Sabrina– Why do they get to have all the fun?
She flicks disconsolately at her fish stick monument,
demolishing it.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Zelda works on her computer at the
table as Sabrina arrives home from school.
Sabrina– Hello.
Zelda– Welcome home sunshine, how was your day?
Sabrina– Here’s a quick recap. There was boredom followed
by dullness with a dash of egh!
Zelda– It can’t be that bad?
Sabrina– I’m actually looking forward to my flu shot
tomorrow.
Zelda– If you’re bored, you know who’s to blame.
Sabrina– Libby.
Zelda– No, yourself. You have to make your own
excitement. For example, I’m working on a theory of inertia
and I just can’t stop.
Sabrina– You’re worse off than me. If I had a life I’d give
you half.
Salem– Hey I’ve got a sure fire way to make time fly. Lint
spotting.
Sabrina– Lint spotting?
Salem– Yeah, you pick out a piece of lint and track it
through the air. Try it.
Sabrina– All right, but only because I’m disparate.
She sits on a stool beside Salem and stairs into the air.
Salem– Oh, there’s a good one, follow it. Up. Up. Down.
Down to the right. Oh it’s a feisty one.
Sabrina– I’m going to find aunt Hilda.
Salem– Oh up again. Twirling. Twirling. Hey there’s two in
play!
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda’s watching TV and getting
totally drawn in when Sabrina finds her.
Hilda-(To the TV) Don’t believe him, every kiss from Blake is
a lie.
Sabrina– What are you watching?
Hilda– My favourite soap opera. ‘The Burden of Desire’
Sabrina– Catch me up while they jacuzzi.
Hilda– Okay, Blake just quit Sherman Enterprises in anger
precipitating a family crisis in which Norma turned to Frank,
not Nick, for comfort.
Sabrina– Now that’s a Thursday. Why can’t my life be
exciting like that?
Hilda– It can.
Sabrina– Really! How?
Hilda– Use a spell.
She points at the coffee table and a yellow can appears, she
shows it to Sabrina.
Sabrina– Worms? What am I supposed to do with a can o’
worms?
Hilda– Open it. All emotions will become heightened but be
careful, remember you have to take the good with the bad.
Sabrina– Gimme, I’ll take whatever I can get.
She takes the can and pops off the plastic top and peels back
the aluminium foil revealing the wriggling worms and
releasing their magic.
Int. Westbridge High School. The next day, Sabrina’s at her
locker when Jenny arrives.
Jenny– Hey!
Sabrina– Hey, what’s new?
Jenny– Nothing.
Sabrina– Are you sure?
Jenny– Sabrina, today will be a day just like any other.
Nurse Nancy– Out of my way, code blue, stat!
The sexy, young school nurse comes barrelling round the
corner with a uniformed medic pushing a trolley laden with
medical equipment. Her own equipment is impressive, The
short white nurses uniform clings to her curves showing
plenty of cleavage and her white nurses cap sits on
enormous thick blonde hair.
Jenny– What’s going on?
Jill runs by with the answer.
Jill– Pops, the janitor just collapsed.
Sabrina– And we have excitement.
Harvey strides over to her.
Harvey– Sabrina, at last I’ve found you. We need to talk in
private.
He pulls sabrina away from Jenny by her hand and round the
corner where they don’t see Libby listening in.
Sabrina– Is something wrong?
Harvey– No, something’s right, very right. Just say you’ll
meet me by the reflecting pool in the courtyard at twelve
thirty-six.
Sabrina– Twelve thirty-six? That’s really specific.
Harvey– It’s important.
Sabrina– Okay.
The school bell rings.
Sabrina– (Cont.) The bell!
Harvey– We must go.
Sabrina– I’m so happy.
Smiling and holding hands they go off to class.
Libby– But not for long.
Int science class.
Mr. Pool– Now we’ve been dancing around it all year, so
let’s get to it. Today we’re going to study reproduction.
Everyone– Yeah! Whoo! Alright!
Later. Things have quietened down as all the students sit
with mouths hanging open.
Mr. Pool– So then the sperm hits the ovum and embryo
genesis begins.
The bell rings.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Well, that’s all we have time for today.
No one moves.
Mr. Pool– You can go now.
They start to come out of their trance like states and Harvey
comes over to Sabrina.
Harvey– Until twelve thirty-six, my darling.
Sabrina– See ya.
Int. The Nurses office. Pops is lying in bed with a heart
monitor in place unaware of Nurse Nancy and Mr. Pool’s
tryst. They hold one another tight.
Mr. Pool– Oh Nancy.
Nurse Nancy– Oh Gene.
Mr. Pool– Oh we shouldn’t, we mustn’t. Not during school
hours.
Nurse Nancy– I just can’t control myself around you Gene.
They close for the kiss just as Sabrina enters.
Sabrina– I’m here for my flu shot.
The lovers quickly part and pretend to be interested in other
things but not quite quick enough.
Nurse Nancy– Ah, Mr. Pool, your blood pressure is normal.
Mr. Pool– Thank you for squeezing me in.
He leaves quickly.
Nurse Nancy– (To Sabrina) Come on, I’ll give you your flu
shot.
She swabs Sabrina’s arm and picks up the hypodermic
syringe.
Sabrina– So, are you and Mr. Pool dating?
Nurse Nancy– No! Course not.
She waves the needle in front of Sabrina’s face threateningly.
Nurse Nancy– (Cont.) And if the school board knew
anything about this, we’d both be out of jobs. Do you
understand?
Sabrina– Yes.
Nurse Nancy– Good, now give me your arm. I promise this
wont hurt.
She gives Sabrina her jab.
Nurse Nancy– All done. Would you like a cold compress?
Sabrina– I don’t have time. It’s twelve thirty, I have to get
to Harvey.
Ext. School courtyard, Harvey sits on the lip of the reflecting
pool waiting as Sabrina comes out.
Sabrina– Harvey!
Harvey– I thought you weren’t going to make it.
He spots the plaster on her arm.
Harvey– (Cont.) A bandaid! Who did this to you?
Sabrina– The nurse, I had a flu shot.
Harvey– Oh, okay.
Sabrina– So what did you wanna tell me that couldn’t wait
till twelve thirty-seven?
Harvey– Something I should have said a long time ago. I
think we should go steady.
Sabrina– Steady? I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.
Harvey– And I want to give you something so we’ll never
forget this moment.
He takes a jewellery case from his back pocket and hands it
to Sabrina. She opens it.
Sabrina– A bracelet! It’s beautiful.
Harvey– Read the inscription.
Sabrina– (Reading) Harvey digs Sabrina.
Harvey– Look on the back.
Sabrina– (Reading) Twelve thirty-six?
Harvey– That’s what time it was when we first spoke in the
cafeteria on your first day at school.
Sabrina puts on the bracelet.
Sabrina– Oh Harvey, it’s perfect.
Harvey– No, you’re perfect.
Int Science class. Libby pulls out drawers and digs through
Mr. Pool’s stuff as Jill keeps watch at the door.
Jill– Libby! We shouldn’t be in here.
Libby pulls a bottle from the top left hand drawer.
Libby– (Reading the label) Stool softener? Ew!
Jill– What are you looking for?
Libby– A way to bring Sabrina Spellman down. I’m going to
plant something of Mr. Pool’s on her, then sit back and watch
her take the fall.
Jill– You are pure evil.
Libby– Thanks. Now if I can just find the answer key to next
weeks test, or something even better.
She pulls out a jewellery box from the top right drawer and
opens it, Jill comes over for a look.
Libby– (Cont.) Like a diamond ring.
Jill– What’s Mr. Pool doing with a diamond ring?
Libby takes it from the case and holds it up.
Libby– Dreaming. Do you hear something? We gotta get
outa here.
She closes the empty box and stuffs it back in the drawer
and the two thieves run for the other door. They get out just
before Mr. Pool comes in whistling the wedding march to
himself and looking very happy. He goes to his desk and
takes out the jewellery box, he slips it in his pocket. As he’s
about to leave he hears a buzzing.
Mr. Pool– Ah! Wasp!
He bats at it a couple of times before pulling his jacket up
over his head and dashing from the class room.
Int School hallway. Mr. Pool comes out of the science class
room and pulls the door shut. He walks up to a man leaning
against the wall.
Mr. Pool– Excuse me, have you seen the new janitor?
The man turns, he’s dark and rugged looking with an eye
patch over his right eye. His shirts open to the waist.
Janitor Stone– You’re looking at him. People call me Stone,
Stone Burton. I came to Westbridge looking for a second
chance.
Mr. Pool– Then er, don’t eat the meat-loaf. Anyway, I saw a
wasp in my office. It’s got me worried, I think there might be
a nest.
Janitor Stone– A wasps nest, that could be deadly. Let’s
hope you’re wrong.
Int. School cafeteria. Sabrina sits with Harvey and enjoys a
romantic candle lit hamberger.
Harvey– Well, here we are, back to where it all started.
Sabrina– Mmm, good sloppy Joe.
Libby comes over and sits beside Sabrina.
Libby– I just heard the most amazing thing. Did you know
FDR had three vice presidents? John S, Garner, Henry
Wallace and Harry Truman.
They don’t see her slip Mr. Pool’s diamond ring into Sabrina’s
bag as she speaks.
Libby– (Cont.) Well that’s all, see ya.
She gets up and starts to leave.
Harvey– Wow! Libby was friendly.
Sabrina– A little too friendly.
Libby’s made it half way to the cafeteria door when she’s
attacked. The loud buzzing comes from the air ducts.
Libby– Aaah! Wasps.
Harvey reacts quickly and throws his jacket over Sabrina’s
head and stands protectively over her.
Libby– (Cont.) Keep them away from me, I’m terribly
allergic.
She’s stung on the neck and yelps, shuffling sideways so she
can collapse dramatical into Harvey’s arms.
Sabrina– What happened?
Harvey– She’s in epileptic shock! I have to get her to the
nurse.
He runs towards the door but swings around first.
Harvey– (Cont.) Wait for me.
Sabrina– I will.
Int. The Nurses office. Nurse Nancy is powdering her
thousand dollar nose when Harvey rushes in with the
unconscious Libby in his arms.
Harvey– Help! Help! Wasp sting.
The nurse goes over to the cupboard and sweeps everything
on it onto the floor.
Nurse Nancy– Put her over here.
While Harvey does that she gets her trusty hypo and squirts
a bit out of the needle.
Nurse Nancy– She needs Epinephrine and she needs it now.
Don’t you quit on me!
She jabs the needle home, then tosses it over her shoulder
as Libby comes to.
Nurse Nancy– There.
Libby– Where am I?
Nurse Nancy– The Nurses office. You’re going to make it
thanks to this young man.
Libby– Oh Harvey, I…
Harvey– (Interrupting) Shhh! You need to rest.
Nurse Nancy– Help me get her to a bed.
Harvey and the nurse support Libby as the go through to the
school emergency ward.
Harvey– Hows Pops?
Nurse Nancy– His heart is weak but he’s a fighter. I’ll go
get a cold compress.
Harvey helps Libby onto the bed beside Pops as the nurse
leaves.
Harvey– As long as you’re okay, I’ll be getting back to lunch.
Libby– Don’t go, stay with me Harvey.
Harvey– No, I have to follow my heart and return to
Sabrina.
He starts to leave.
Libby– I don’t know what you see in her.
Harvey– I don’t know what you don’t.
He leaves and Libby slumps back on her bed. Pops heart
monitor flat lines with a continuous high pitched tone.
Libby– How annoying!
She sits up, grabs her pillow and whacks old Pops on the
chest with it. The monitor starts to beep regularly again.
Int. School hallway. Harvey comes out of the nurses office
and goes to the water fountain passing the new janitor on his
way.
Janitor Stone– Good day.
Harvey– It is, isn’t it.
He bends down for a drink just as the janitor lifts the ladders
that he’s been using to hunt wasps. They teeter and start to
fall.
Janitor Stone– Rogue ladder, look out.
Harvey has no chance as the ladder topples on top of him.
The janitor looks down at the stricken pupil.
Janitor Stone– (Cont.) Good lord, now I have to move
again.
Int. School emergency ward. Nurse Nancy sits buffing her
nails as the Janitor carries the unconscious Harvey in.
Janitor Stone– Incoming!
He puts him down on a bed.
Libby– What happened to Harvey?
Janitor Stone– He took a ladder to the head. (To Nurse
Nancy) He’s in your hands now.
Nurse Nancy– I’ll go get a cold compress.
Libby– Is that all you do?
Nurse Nancy– My hands are tied by the state.
The nurse and the janitor leave, Libby jumps from her bed
and goes over to Harvey.
Libby– Harvey! Harvey speak to me.
She gives him a shake and he comes to.
Harvey– Hey!
Libby– Harvey, you’re awake.
Harvey– Who’s Harvey?
Libby– You don’t know who you are?
Harvey– No. Who are you?
Libby– I’m Libby, don’t you remember?
Harvey– Actually I don’t remember anything.
Libby– (Thinking) Amnesia, I can work with this. (Talking)
Listen, no matter what anyone says, I’m your girlfriend. I’m
the only one you can trust, you got that?
Harvey– And you are?
Libby– Libby.
Sabrina comes running in.
Sabrina– Harvey, I’ve just heard. Are you okay?
Harvey– Yeah. Who are you?
Sabrina– You don’t know me? I’m Sabrina, your girlfriend.
Harvey– I don’t think so. This is my girlfriend.
Sabrina– Libby!
Harvey– Yeah, Libby.
Sabrina– Oh no, Harvey has amnesia. This can’t be
happening.
Libby– It can and is. Now I think you’d better
go, my boyfriends had enough excitement for one day.
She takes hold of Sabrina’s arm and drags her from the ward
into the nurses office.
Sabrina– But Harvey!
Harvey– Nice meeting you.
Int. Nurses office.
Sabrina– What are you doing?
Libby– Ruining your life. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to
go remind Harvey about being in the fashion show.
Sabrina– You’re going to make him wear a tux?
Libby– And a cummerbund and you can’t stop me.
Int. School cafeteria. Sabrina sips coffee with Jenny.
Jenny– I can’t believe Libby did that.
Sabrina– And now the whole schools going to see them
together tonight at the fashion show.
Jenny– Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan. She’ll get hers.
Sabrina– What d’you mean?
Jenny– If I told you, you’d only try to stop me. Just be at
the fashion show.
Jenny gets up to leave.
Sabrina– (Calling after) Jenny!
Jenny turns.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Be careful.
Int. Science class. Nurse Nancy sits on a lab bench cross
legged as Mr. Pool makes his play.
Mr. Pool– Of course I can’t offer you riches, until society
decides to reward it’s teachers, but I can offer you this.
He holds up the jewellery box and opens it for her to see the
beautiful diamond ring.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Nancy, would you be my…
Nurse Nancy– (Interrupting) Gene!
She takes the box and turns it to show him.
Nurse Nancy– (Cont.) It’s empty.
Mr. Pool– What!
Later. Nurse Nancy has gone and a Cop takes her place in
the science class. The incriminating empty jewellery box sits
on the lab bench, it doesn’t have legs so they’re not crossed.
Mr. Pool– Don’t you understand, I gave up professional hair
cuts to buy that ring?
Cop– I can see that sir, but let’s stick to the facts. Who has
access to your room?
Mr. Pool– Everyone. I don’t lock my door, I’m always here.
Except I had to stop by the nurses office today.
Cop– Can you pin-point the time you were out?
Mr. Pool– Between twelve thirty and twelve forty.
Cop– Lock the exits, I’m going to crack this case if I have to
search everyone on campus.
Int. School cafeteria. Sabrina sits sipping her coffee and
thinking over her problems.
Sabrina– (Thinking)How could Harvey forget me? And what
is Libby’s scheme? This spell is taking some strange twists
and turns, but it sure makes a good cup of coffee.
She’s lost in thought and doesn’t see Mr. Pool and the Cop
until they’re right on top of her.
Cop– Excuse me ma’am.
Sabrina– (Thinking)You mean me? (Talking) Oh, you mean
me?
Cop– We’d like permission to search your back-pack.
Mr. Pool– Oh, I see no reason to disturb Sabrina, she’s one
of my best students.
Sabrina– Oh, it’s okay Mr. Pool, go ahead.
She puts her bag on the table and the cop looks through it.
Sabrina– (Cont.) So, what you looking for?
The cop holds up the diamond ring.
Cop– This.
Mr. Pool– Sabrina, how could you! You stole my ring.
Sabrina– (Shocked) I didn’t!
Cop– I’m calling your legal guardians and bringing you down
town.
He takes her by the arm and pulls her towards the door.
Sabrina– What? Why? How?
Cop– I’ll ask the questions.
Int. School hallway. The Cop has Sabrina in one hand, her
nap-sack in the other as he brings her out of the cafeteria.
Sabrina– This is a mistake, I’ve never stole anything in my
whole life.
Cop– We’ll discuss it at the station.
Sabrina– But I don’t know how that ring got in my bag.
And then suddenly she does as she sees Libby gloating smirk
at her predicament.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Libby, she set me up. You’ve got the wrong
person. Get her! Get her! Get her! Get her! Get her!
As she disparately keeps pointing at Libby and gesticulating
her new bracelet slips unnoticed from her wrist and manages
to lodge itself in one of the air vent grills in the ceiling. The
cop hustles his prisoner off to the slammer passed the
jubilant Libby
Libby– Bye bye.
Int. Down town, the station house interview room. A stark
room with a table and two chairs and a filing cabinet. There’s
no desk light for the cop to shine in Sabrina’s face as he
interrogates her so he makes do with a desk fan.
Cop– Where were you today between twelve thirty and
twelve forty?
Sabrina– In the courtyard with Harvey.
Cop– Any witnesses?
Sabrina– Harvey.
Cop– Any witnesses who can remember their own name?
Sabrina– No, but I have proof. Look!
She thrusts forward her right wrist, he looks. It’s a very nice
wrist, slim and smooth with a hand attached, but nothing
else. She looks and thrusts out her left wrist but that’s also
bare.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Oh no, my bracelets gone, but it was
engraved with the exact time Harvey gave it to me, twelve
thirty-six.
Cop– Which would make for the perfect alibi, if such a
bracelet existed.
He stands over her his bulk threatening,
Cop– (Cont.) Now let’s starts from the top.
Sabrina’s saved from the bad cop, worse cop treatment by a
knock on the door. Her aunts enter.
Cop– (Cont.) And who are you?
Zelda– We’re Sabrina’s aunts. Has she been charged?
Cop– Not formaly.
Hilda– May we speak to her alone detective?
Cop– Sure, maybe you can get a straight answer out of her.
He leaves.
Hilda– Sabrina, what’s going on?
Sabrina– It’s this spell, it’s totally out of control. Make it
stop.
Zelda– We can’t do that. You opened a can of worms and
until they wriggle their way to a dramatic climax you’re
stuck.
Sabrina– But I am in so much trouble. The police think I
stole the ring Mr. Pool bought for the nurse but Libby’s seting
me up to get me out of the way because she wants to steal
my boyfriend who has amnesia.
Hilda– Oh this is even better than ‘Burden of Desire’…
Except that it’s happening to you.
Int. Westbridge High School Hallway. Libby is dressed to kill
in a black and white, full skirted evening gown with three
quarter length gloves waiting to go out on the catwalk for the
fashion show. Jill comes through in a gorgeous blue silk
number.
Jill– The place is really filling up.
The fashion Directors of Drake’s department store comes in
wearing an equally stunning gold gown and claps her hands.
Fashion Director– Five minutes to show time and please
remember, you’re Drake girls now.
Harvey shows up in his tux complete with cummerbund and
bow tie.
Libby– Harvey, You look cute and…? How about me?
Harvey– Ah, you look great…
He glances down at his palm were he’s written her name.
Harvey– (Cont.) …Libby.
Int. School utility room. Jenny makes her preparations
dressed in combat fatigues. She pours the signal red gloss
enamel into the funnel to fill her super soaker 5000.
Jenny– (Thinking) just a little more, there. She’s not going
to steal Sabrina’s boyfriend.
She fits the filled cell to the gun and pumps the pump action.
Then she climbs up on some boxes and opens the grill to the
air ducts.
Jenny– (Thinking) Now all I have to do is crawl through this
duct to the vent overlooking the fashion show and then we’ll
see who’s face is red… and glossy.
Once inside she pulls the grill closed behind her and starts to
crawl on her elbows and knees, commando style.
Int. School hallway. The cop has let Sabrina and her aunts
come and look for the missing bracelet. They also crawl on
their hands and knees as they search the hallways for any
sign of it. except for Hilda who walks with a metal detector.
And they call her the thick one, ha!
Cop– Okay, you have fifteen minutes to find the bracelet.
Sabrina– It should be somewhere around here. I’m almost
positive I had it in the cafeteria.
They search the hallway outside the cafeteria doors and
Zelda makes a find.
Zelda– Hey look! Oh wait, it’s just a gum wrapper.
Sabrina– A gum wrapper won’t save me now.
Ext. School courtyard. The catwalk is set up from the school
doors to the reflecting pool with students and guests sat on
either side. The fashion Director stands at the microphone.
Fashion Director– Let’s get things started with Jill and
Chet.
As Jill and her escort take the catwalk Mr. Pool takes his seat
in front of nurse Nancy and turns to her.
Mr. Pool– We must talk.
Nurse Nancy– Meet me by the pool after the show.
Mr. Pool– I can’t wait that long.
Nurse Nancy– Shh! Fashion.
Int. School air duct. Jenny crawls on, on her mission
impossible.
Int. School hallway. Sabrina’s finished searching her locker.
Sabrina– I’ve found a missing ear-ring, my lost sun-glasses,
an overdue library book, which would all be great if I wasn’t
going to jail!
Hilda– Oh, there’s the hunky janitor, he’ll help us.
He walks past looking at the ceiling and holding his mop as a
weapon.
Zelda– Sir, have you seen a bracelet?
Janitor Stone– I’ve seen a lot of things… but no bracelet.
Sabrina– Are you sure, it’s silver and has an alibi engraved
on it?
Janitor Stone– I’d like to help you ma’am but this entire
schools in danger. You see, I’m huntin’ wasps.
He stalks off after his pray.
Sabrina– Then it’s over, it’s hopeless. We’ll never find my
bracelet.
Int. Hallway, by the catwalk. Libby gives last minute
instructions to Harvey.
Libby– Now Harvey, I don’t wanna overload you but there’s
one more thing you have to remember.
Harvey– What?
Libby– When we get to the end of the runway you have to
kiss me.
Harvey– Okay.
Libby– Oh, this is the best night of my life, total control.
Int. School air duct. Jenny’s getting closer.
Jenny– (Thinking) Twenty more yards and it’s splatterday.
She hears a buzzing sound.
Jenny– (Talking) What was that? A wasp! Help! Somebody
HELP!
Int School hallway, Sabrina, her aunts and the Cop all hear
her cry for help coming from the ceiling. So does the Janitor
who runs round the corner with a step ladder.
Sabrina– Jenny, in the ceiling, do something.
Janitor Stone– Don’t worry, stand back. I’ve got a ladder
and I know how to use it.
Zelda– Hang on Jenny.
The janitor quickly has the ladder set up under the grill
outside the cafeteria and works the release catch.
Janitor Stone– All right, I’ve got her.
The grill drops open and Jenny falls out onto the floor with a
thump, but she’s not the only thing to fall from the grill.
Janitor Stone– No I don’t.
Sabrina– Jenny! Are you okay?
Jenny– Yes, my hair broke my fall.
Sabrina– My bracelet! You found my bracelet.
She takes the bracelet to the Cop.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Look, Harvey digs Sabrina, twelve thirty-
six.
Cop– Okay your story check out, you’re off the hook. (To
Jenny) But you young lady have some explaining to do.
Janitor Stone– We have to evacuate the area, there’s a
swarm headed this way.
They all run for it but Zelda pulls up stoping Hilda and
Sabrina.
Zelda– Wait!
Sabrina– I can’t wait, I have to get to Harvey and make him
remember.
Zelda– But first you have to look fabulous.
With a point she makes her niece look just that in a silver,
embroidered silk ball gown with matching white elbow length
gloves and her hair up.
Sabrina– Wow!
Ext. The fashion show.
Fashion Director– Our next couple is dressed for a magical
night, representing the sophomore class, Harvey and Libby.
And they make a wonderful couple as they walk down the
catwalk arm in arm to the applause of the audience. When
they reach the end by the reflecting pool.
Harvey– Aren’t I supposed to kiss you now?
Libby– Oh Harvey, you remembered.
They lean in for the kiss as a silver streak hurtles down the
walkway.
Sabrina– Stop!
She pushes in front of Harvey and faces her enemy.
Sabrina– (Cont.) You can’t kiss him, Harvey’s my boyfriend.
Libby– What are you doing here, I thought I sent you to
juvie.
Sabrina– Your little scheme failed and now I’m back to
reclaim what’s rightfully mine.
She turns to Harvey and shows him the bracelet.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Look.
Harvey– (Reading) Harvey digs Sab.. I’m Harvey and I dig
Sabrina, that’s right! And Roger Clements signed for the
Bluejay’s, it’s all coming back to me.
Sabrina– (To Libby) He remembers.
Libby– You’ve ruined everything.
They square up eye to eye.
Sabrina– Harvey was never yours.
Libby– You’re going down Spellman.
She grabs Sabrina by the arms.
Sabrina– And I’m taking you with me.
She grabs Libby’s arms and they tussle, pulling and pushing
until they fall sideways into the reflecting pool. They both
come up spluttering and fighting and drenched to the skin.
Libby– Freak!
Sabrina– Tramp!
Libby– Super-freak!
Sabrina– Super-tramp!
Hilda– Go with the jab, stay inside,
Zelda– Tough left, let’s get in there.
Zelda gets a grip of Sabrina and pulls her off.
Zelda– (Cont.) Okay, break it up.
Libby– Whore!
Sabrina– Loser!
Hilda– And enough.
Sabrina– Why’d you pull me off? I had her!
Zelda– Why are you fighting with Libby when there’s a guy
over there who’s just remembered he’s crazy about you?
Sabrina– Good point.
She turns to Harvey who’s still stood watching the show from
the catwalk.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Harvey,
Harvey– Sabrina.
It’s not easy to walk through a knee deep pool in a sodden
ball gown but she makes it and he helps her out and into his
arms.
Sabrina– I missed you.
Harvey– I missed you too.
They hug. At the other side of the pool the fashion Director
has hold of a very damp Libby.
Libby– But she attacked me!
Fashion Director– She did not, and for conduct
unbecomeing of a Drake girl I hereby excommunicate you
from the teen-board.
Libby– What! <Sob!> This is the worst night of my life.
<Sob!>
She plops down into the pool, her dress ballooning up about
her. Meanwhile, in the audience.
Nurse Nancy– Now what was it you were going to say to
me.
Mr. Pool pulls away his chair and gets down on one knee.
Mr. Pool– Nancy, I would be honoured if you would agree to
be my…
Cop– (Interrupting) Help!
The Cop runs onto the walkway.
Cop– (Cont.) Is there a nurse in the house?
Nurse Nancy– I’m a nurse, what’s wrong?
Cop– The janitors just been attacked by a swarm of wasps.
Nurse Nancy– Code blue, and get me a cold compress.
She runs off into the school.
Mr. Pool– (Calling after) I’ll wait for you Nancy.
Cop– (To the Fashion Director) Excuse me, I don’t mean to
be rude but have you ever been to the Grand Canyon?
Fashion Director– Only as a child.
Cop– Beverly?
Fashion Director– Kenneth?
Cop– My long lost sister.
The fall crying into each others arms. A soggy Sabrina sits
next to Harvey on the edge of the catwalk.
Harvey– I can’t believe I ever forgot you.
Sabrina– I don’t blame you, I blame the ladder.
He puts the bracelet back on her wrist and wraps her in his
arms to ward off the evening chill. They sit until only they,
the waiting Mr. Pool and Libby are left. Libby splashes with
frustration in the pool.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina’s bathed and ready for bed as
are her aunts, they sit drinking coffee round the table, Salem
sits on the counter.
Sabrina– Tomorrow I just want everything back to normal.
I’m off excitement for a while.
Zelda– Good idea.
Sabrina– But there’s still one thing I’m curious about, I
wonder if Mr. Pool ended up with nurse Nancy?
Hilda– Oh I’m sure, what could possibly go wrong?
Salem– Dum-dum-dum!
Ext. The after the fashion show. Hours later Mr. Pool still
waits for his one true love. She comes out at last.
Nurse Nancy– Gene.
Mr. Pool– Nancy! You’re back. You look tired.
Nurse Nancy– I could use a cold compress. Now what was it
you wanted to say?
Mr. Pool– Oh Nancy, hear me out. I would be honoured if
you would be my wife?
Nurse Nancy– Oh Gene, if only you’d asked me an hour
ago. How can I put this? I’ve met someone.
Mr. Pool– Who!
Nurse Nancy– It’s better that you don’t know. I’m going
away Gene. I only hope that you can forgive me.
She leaves.
Mr. Pool– (Calling after) But wait! You can’t!
He turns looking heart broken.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Ah well, I got a lot further than I thought I
would.
He smiles, slips his hands in his pockets and walks off.
Int. School hallway. Nurse Nancy comes through the fire
doors and walks up the janitor Stone who’s leaning against
the wall with a packed bag beside him. His face and arms are
covered in sting ointment.
Janitor Stone– How did he take it?
Nurse Nancy– He’ll be fine. Gene’s strong and has both
eyes. You need me more.
Janitor Stone– It was worth being stung hundreds of times,
it’s what brought us together.
Nancy picks up the bag and they walk off arm in arm.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Sabrina and Salem stares off into
space side by side.
Run credits.
Sabrina– Up. Up. Down. Whoa!
Salem– Whoa. Loop-de-loop!, whoo.
Sabrina– That was crazy.
Salem– I’m glad you decided to give lint spotting another
chance Sabrina.
Sabrina– Me too. For the first hour it was kinda boring but
now I’m captivated by the subtlety, the nuance, the constant
struggle to stay aloft. I mean I now understand, it’s a
metaphor for life.
Salem– Sabrina.
Sabrina– Yeah?
Salem– You need to get out more.
Troll Bride
Sabrina, The Teenage Witch
Troll Bride
Written By – Nick Bakay & Frank Conniff
Transcribed By – Paul Booth
Cast
Sabrina – Melissa Joan Hart
Hilda – Caroline Rhea
Zelda – Beth Broderick
Salem – Nick Bakay
Harvey – Nate Richert
Jenny – Michelle Beaudoin
Libby – Jenna Leigh Green
Mr. Pool – Paul Feig
Roland – Phil Fondacaro
Witch Lawyer – Bryan Cranston
Boy Prince – Cory Buck
Prince Randy – Frank Conniff
Fireman – Sean Laughton
Camilla – Robin Krieger
Princess Isis – Evelyn Furtak
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters in this
transcript, nor do I own any rights to the television
show Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. It was created by
Nell Scovell and belongs to her, Viacom Productions
Inc, Hartbreak Films, and the ABC Television network.
The characters are based on the original characters
appearing in Archie Comics.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda comes up to Salem who’s asleep
on the counter..
Hilda– Salem.
Salem– (Waking) Oh! Glee-club! Oh man, don’t do that to
me.
Hilda– (Stroking him) Sorry, but I need a favour. See, I
haven’t had a date in weeks…
Salem– (Interrupting) No.
Hilda– Come on, you’ve done it before.
Salem– Well I’m not doing it again.
Hilda– I’ll make it worth your while.
Salem– Hmm. Okay, but it’s gonna cost you.
Int. Spellman kitchen later. Hilda’s straightening her hair in
front of the mirror. A handsome Fireman come through the
back door with Salem in his arms.
Fireman– Here’s your cat ma’am.
Hilda– I can’t believe he did that. Bad Kitty.
She takes Salem from him and the Fireman removes his
helmet.
Fireman– Cat’s aren’t the brightest animals.
Hilda– You are so right. Aw!
They may not be bright but they have very sharp claws.
Fireman– Are you okay?
Hilda– Yeah I’m fine. Now how can I ever thank you? Oh
look, a freshly baked, home made seven layer cake.
The cake just happens to be sitting on the table ready to
tempt the unwary.
Hilda– (Cont.) Would you like some?
Fireman– Was it made by a single gal?
Hilda– Yes sir-e
Fireman– Then I’ll just put my ladder away and be right
back.
She waves him off with a huge smile on her face.
Hilda– Good work Salem.
Salem– Show me the Tuna. Show me the Tuna. Say I love
the black cat.
Hilda– I love the black cat.
Salem– I can’t hear you.
Hilda– I LOVE THE BLACK CAT.
Salem– I LOVE THE BLACK CAT.
Run opening credits.
Int. Westbridge High School, Biology class
Mr. Pool– Yes, genetics will be on the final. Everything we
study the semester will be on the final.
He points at Harvey, who’s sat beside Sabrina.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Including what mitosis is.
Int. School Hallway. Sabrina walks with Harvey.
Harvey– It’s not fair. We only get three days to learn a
whole semester’s worth of biology.
Sabrina– I guess we were supposed to be learning it all
along.
Sabrina opens her locker
Harvey– I wish I could read my notes. Can you decipher
this?
She tries to read his study notes.
Sabrina– (Reading) ‘Mitosis is…’ Nope.
Harvey– I’m doomed.
Sabrina– Look, you can borrow my notes. We’ll get through
finals together.
Libby strides up to join them.
Libby– Well, if it isn’t the cutest couple in the sophomore
class.
Sabrina– Jeez Libby, you’re really running out of insults.
Libby– No. I’m on the year book committee and I just
thought you’d like to know you’ve been voted cutest couple.
Sabrina laughs and flicks her hair behind her ear
dramatically.
Sabrina– I’d like to thank the academy.
Libby– You’re being very brave about this Sabrina,
considering the curse.
Harvey– What curse?
Libby– Every couple who ever won the award broke up by
the first day of finals.
Sabrina– That’s ridiculous
Libby– And sad.
Libby walks off smiling.
Sabrina– Well you don’t think there’s a curse do you?
Harvey– No, we’re solid as a rock. Curses belong in fairy
tales along with giant beanstalks and witches.
Sabrina looks up at him oddly as he puts his arm around her
shoulders and they walk off.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda enters from the living room
carrying books. Hilda intercepts her with a muffin.
Hilda– Zelda, will you do me a favour and choke on this
bread?
Zelda– What?
Hilda– I can’t think of any other way to see my fireman
again. You choke, he Hiemlich’s, we go dancing.
Zelda– Hilda, it’s wrong to distract a fireman from his public
duty.
Hilda– Hey, I pay taxes.
Sabrina enters from school.
Hilda– (Cont.) Oh thank goodness you’re home. Choke on
this.
Sabrina– Gladly.
She takes the muffin and tries to ram it to the back of her
throat but Zelda takes it from her.
Zelda– Stop that. Is everything okay?
Sabrina– It depends on whether curses are real or not. You
see Harvey and I got voted the cutest couple…
Hilda– (Interrupting) No, OH NO!
Sabrina– What!
Zelda– Oh that’s nothing, she’s just excited for you. And
don’t you worry about this curse, you’re going to be fine.
Sabrina– Really?
Zelda– Absolutely.
Sabrina– Cool. Then all I have to worry about is finals.
She leaves up the stairs.
Hilda– What are you saying? You know curses count double
for witches.
Zelda– Yes, but there’s nothing Sabrina can do about it and
knowing just makes it worse.
She grabs her book and leaves via the back door.
Hilda– Curses!
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom, the next morning. Sabrina hunts
high and low but she can’t find it.
Salem– Hurry up Sabrina, you’re gonna miss the bus.
Sabrina– Salem, have you seen my biology notes?
Salem– No. The sports sections lying in my box this week.
Sabrina– Oh, but I need them!
Salem– Chill little witch. Just use the finding spell in your
magic book.
Later, Sabrina has the magic book open on her bed.
Sabrina– Ah, here we go. (Reading) ‘Finder of lost things,
help me find my enter lost item here…’ Oh. ‘Finder of lost
things, help me find my biology notes.’
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The linen closet activates and
a tiny chap in a green velvet coat and matching top hat with
coloured feathers stuck in the brim runs out. He has long
black hair and a full beard. He runs straight into Sabrina’s
bedroom.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. The Finder of lost things runs in.
Roland– I’m here.
Sabrina– Who are you?
Roland– Roland, finder of lost things number one thirty-four.
Sabrina– Nice to meet you.
Roland pulls out an official looking document from his back
pocket.
Roland– If you could sign this contract I’ll be happy to get
right to work.
He pulls one of the feathers from his hat for Sabrina to use
as a pen.
Sabrina– It’s really long.
Roland– That’s just to cover us in the event I get trapped
under something heavy.
He turns round and lets her use the top of his top hat to rest
the contract on while she signs.
Sabrina– There.
Roland– Okay. Stand back please. Ahem…
Roland cocks his leg to the side and with a kick starts to whirl
at tremendous speed all around the room. He just a green
blur as he whizzes under the bed, round the back of the
chairs and desks, behind the curtains, in the wardrobe,
everywhere and then he suddenly stops with the biology
notes in his hands.
Roland– Ah ha! I found your notes, and fifty cents.
Sabrina– Thanks.
Roland stands smiling, waiting. Sabrina wonders what for.
Sabrina– Here you go. Get yourself something nice.
She gives Roland the fifty cents
Roland– I’m not looking for a gratuity, just my standard fee,
Sabrina– What’s that?
Roland– Anything in this room. It says so right in that
contract.
Sabrina– Anything? Well I have quite a selection. How about
this lovely paper weight?
Roland– I don’t need a paper weight. How’s this bed?
He climbs up onto Sabrina’s bed and bounces a few times.
Roland– (Cont.) Hmm kinda lumpy. Oh I love this clock
radio.
Sabrina– Could you hurry up? I’m late for class.
Roland– You know, you’re kinda cute when you pout.
Sabrina– Could you just decide?
Roland– Okay, I know what I want. You.
Sabrina– Me!
Roland– I want your hand in marriage.
Sabrina– I’m only sixteen.
Roland– I know you’re kinda old but… that’s okay.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Hilda and Zelda are sat at the table,
Sabrina comes down the stairs
Sabrina– Idon’thavetimejusttnow. There’satrollinmyroom.
I’lltellyouaboutitlater.
Sabrina leaves as quickly as she arrived.
Zelda– Did she say Troll?
Int. Westbridge High School. Biology class.
Mr. Pool– Testinal peristaltic action moves food through the
body, making digestion both a mechanical and chemical
process.
Jenny raises her hand.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Yes, Jenny?
Jenny– Did we even study that?
Mr. Pool– For a week!.
There’s a tap at the classroom door and just a head with a
green felt top hat and feathers can be seen looking in.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) Who’s that?
Everyone looks round at Roland.
Sabrina– Oh no!
Mr. Pool opens the door.
Mr. Pool– How may I help you?
Roland– I’m here to see Sabrina. Personal matter.
Mr. Pool– She’s in the middle of class.
Roland– I’ll wait. Mind if I have a seat?
He pulls up a seat and sits next to Sabrina
Sabrina– Ah, He’s an actor. You can catch him at the
renaissance fare.
Mr. Pool– Can we get back to learning? How long is the
large intestine?
Roland quickly sticks up his hand.
Roland– Oh, oh, Go me! Go me!
Mr. Pool– Yes?
Roland– The large intestine is over two miles long.
Mr. Pool– No it’s not.
Roland– Yes it is.
Mr. Pool– It’s five feet max.
Roland– What do you know?
Sabrina– He’s the teacher.
Int. Biology classroom later. Mr. Pool hides behind the
chalkboard as he argues with Roland.
Mr. Pool– I’m telling you, human beings do not have four
stomachs.
Roland– Well let’s open you up and find out.
Mr. Pool– Leave me alone.
The school bell rings.
Mr. Pool– (Cont.) That’s all for today.
Roland– I’m not finished yet.
Harvey– (To Sabrina) Who is that guy?
Sabrina– Oh, it’s a really funny story. I’ll tell you about it
later. Gotta go.
Int. School Cafeteria. Roland sits beside Sabrina as they have
their lunch.
Roland– So. Do you want a big wedding or just the family?
Sabrina– We’re not getting married.
She sees Harvey with his tray.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Hey Harvey, come sit with us.
Roland– Who’s that?
Sabrina– My boyfriend.
Roland– Boyfriend?
Harvey– Hi guys.
Sabrina– Harvey, this is Roland.
Harvey– Nice to meet you.
Roland– Get lost, farm boy.
Harvey– Farm boy? I’ve never been on a farm in my life.
Roland– Well I find that hard to believe, farm boy.
Harvey– My names Harvey.
Roland– Harvey, the farm boy.
Harvey– Why don’t you back off!
Roland– Why don’t you make me?
He pushes his tray onto the floor and climbs onto the table
and puts his fists up.
Roland– (Cont.) It’s go time, Goober.
Harvey– I’m not going to fight you.
Roland– Oh Chicken, Buk-buk-buk-awk! Make you think of
the farm, farm boy?
Harvey hits the table and stands bringing him eye to eye with
the troll as he stand on the table.
Harvey– That’s it!
Sabrina– Stop! Roland, quit it and get off the table.
Roland gets down as the whole cafeteria is now watching the
show.
Harvey– Sabrina, what’s going on?
Sabrina– It’s a funny story. I’ll tell you about it later.
She grabs Roland by the arm and drags him from the
cafeteria.
Sabrina– Come on. Come on.
Libby slides her chair back beside Harvey.
Libby– I think you could have taken him.
Harvey– That was surreal. I have no idea what just
happened.
Libby– Oh, it’s the curse. I’m afraid you and Sabrina are
going down.
Harvey– Why did we have to be so cute?
Int. Spellman living room. Sabrina enters the front door and
points towards the settee. Where Zelda and Hilda are.
Sabrina– Now get in there and no more fights, do you
understand?
Roland– Okay! Okay! Henpecked already… and I love it.
Phew, I’m exhausted. D’you mind if I make myself
comfortable?
He takes off his hat and lays down full length on the settee.
Zelda– So she did say troll.
Hilda– What’s he doing here?
Sabrina– I’ll tell you in the kitchen. Go! Go! Go! Go!
The three witches leave Roland already snoring on the
settee. He dreams a pleasant dream.
Ext. Summer meadow. Roland and Sabrina run hand in hand
through the buttercups. Sabrina’s wearing a pink flouncy
medieval type dress with a garland of pink flowers round her
head. Everything’s in dream slow motion.
Int. Spellman kitchen. Zelda reads over the contract as
Sabrina paces agitated.
Sabrina– So what do I do now?
Zelda– We’d better call a lawyer, this contract looks
authentic.
Hilda– Do you know any troll specialists?
Zelda– We’ll look one up in the purple pages.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. The linen closet activates and
Zelda opens the door. A lawyer steps out. You can tell he’s a
lawyer, he has ‘give me everything you own’ in his
appearance.
Witch Lawyer– Stuart Clarkson here. You have a legal
emergency?
Sabrina– A troll has asked for my hand in marriage.
Witch Lawyer– Did you sign a contract?
Sabrina– Yes.
Witch Lawyer– Did you read the contract?
Sabrina– No.
Witch Lawyer– Have a nice wedding.
He turns to leave.
Hilda– Wait! You can’t go, you have to help us.
Witch Lawyer– But you’re asking me to break a legitimate
contract.
Zelda– Isn’t that what lawyers do?
Witch Lawyer– Right! Where’s the paperwork.
Int. Spellman dining room. the Lawyer reads over the
contract as the three concerned witches watch on. He shakes
his head repeatedly as he flips through the many pages of
small print.
Witch Lawyer– Hopeless. Hopeless.
Sabrina– I am not getting married!
Witch Lawyer– According to this, you are. Oh no!
Sabrina– What?
Witch Lawyer– Ah, sorry. Misread a word, it’s dearth, not
death.
He gets up and takes off his suit jacket.
Witch Lawyer– (Cont.) Oh man, I am sweating up a storm.
Do you mind if I take off my jacket and pants?
Hilda– You pants?
Witch Lawyer– Yes. Well don’t worry, I’m wearing a four
piece suit.
He pulls down his pinstriped pants to reveal a pair of
pinstripe shorts beneath, along with socks and garters.
Int. Spellman living room. The front door-bell rings and
Sabrina answers. It’s Harvey.
Harvey– Hey.
Sabrina– Harvey!
Harvey– You left in kind of a hurry. Can I come in and talk?
Sabrina hears the sleeping troll snort on the settee.
Sabrina– No. Erm, why don’t we just step outside?
Ext. Spellman front porch. Sabrina steps out.
Sabrina– Oh this is nice, the great outdoors. So, what did
you want to talk about?
Harvey– Who was that guy who tried to beat me up at
school today?
Sabrina– Roland, Oh that’s a funny story, I’ll tell you later.
Harvey– It is later.
Sabrina– Well… he’s a friend of my aunts.
Harvey– That’s the funny story?
Sabrina– I didn’t tell it very well.
Harvey– Why do I feel like you’re keeping something from
me?
Sabrina– I can’t really talk about it, it’s too weird.
Harvey– Sabrina, I’m your boyfriend. Do you want us to
keep secrets from each other?
Sabrina– No.
Harvey– So can you tell me who Roland is?
Sabrina– No.
Harvey– Okay, I’m out o’ here.
He turns and leaves
Sabrina– Harvey!
But he’s gone. She sadly turns back to the house.
Int. Spellman living room, Roland’s still snoring as Sabrina
comes in.
Sabrina– Roland. ROLAND!
She gives him a shake and he jerks up.
Roland– Glee-club!
Sabrina– Roland can I talk to you?
Roland– Of course. Communication is the foundation of any
marriage.
Sabrina– I’m not marrying you.
Roland– Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
He grabs his hat and jams it on his head.
Sabrina– I’M NOT MARRYING YOU. Look, I’m very flattered
that you chose me over a clock radio but this is not my idea
of romance.
Roland– And farm boy is?
Sabrina– Yes, Harvey and I happen to be an award winning
couple and even though we’re fighting now…
Roland– (Interrupting) You are?
Sabrina– We’ll work it out because Harvey and I were meant
to be together.
Roland– So my love goes unrequited? I guess there’s no
reason for me to carry on this charade.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Salem is lay in the linen
basket with his toys as the dejected Roland comes along
clutching his top hat. Sabrina follows.
Sabrina– You still deserve your fee for finding my notes.
D’you want that clock radio?
Roland– No.
He sticks his hat in the stair banister and turns to Sabrina
Roland– (Cont.) Can I say something? I’ve found a lot of
things in my life, but I guess I’m still looking for love.
He walks into the closet,
Roland– (Cont.) Goodbye.
He closes the door and is transported back to the Other
Realm.
Salem– What did you do to him?
Sabrina– Nothing, I just… Look he left his hat.
Salem– You’d better take it to him, it completes his outfit.
Sabrina– I’ll be right back
Salem– See ya.
She takes his hat and enters the closet, with a crash of
thunder she’s gone.
Ext. The Other Realm. Roland’s castle. Sabrina comes under
the portcullis into the outer bailey. Everything’s Roland sized
so she has to duck. She knocks on the door to the brock and
enters bending low to fit through the small door.
Int. Roland’s room. It’s a circular room at the top of his keep
tower, lit by candles and has sparse furnishings. A bed, a
spinning wheel, a dresser and a couch. Roland’s asleep once
more as Sabrina enters with his hat.
Sabrina– Roland?
Roland opens his eyes but doesn’t get up.
Roland– What do you want?
Sabrina– You forgot your hat.
Roland– Who cares!
Sabrina– Look, I’m sorry things didn’t work out the way you
planned.
He just rolls over and faces the wall ignoring her.
Sabrina– (Cont.) Well, I gotta go study.
She puts the hat down and turns to the door that’s swung
closed behind her only to find it stuck. She tugs at the handle
but it wont budge.
Sabrina– It’s stuck!
Roland rolls off the bed looking very pleased with himself.
Roland– No. It’s locked, and you’re trapped in here forever.
Sabrina– You tricked me!
Roland– Sabrina, I’m a finder, not a loser.
Sabrina– Oh no!
He laughs at her frantic and futile attempts to open the small
door.
Roland– So, when should we have the wedding?
Sabrina– Never!
She eventually gives up on the door.
Roland– I think June would be better.
Sabrina– You can’t keep me here.
Roland– Oh yes I can.
Int. Spellman dining room. The dining table is piled high with
law books as the Lawyer goes over everything looking for a
loop-hole, Zelda and Hilda are with him completely unaware
of their nieces plight.
Hilda– Faster! Faster!
Witch Lawyer– Please, I am dealing with some incredibly
big words.
Salem enters.
Salem– Guys, Sabrina went to return Roland’s hat an hour
ago and she hasn’t come back yet.
Zelda– Oh no! That old troll trick.
Witch Lawyer– And it’s perfectly legal.
Int. The Other Realm, Roland’s room. Sabrina sits
disconsolately on the bed as Roland tells her his life story.
Roland– It took me two days but I found that needle in a
hay stack.
Sabrina– Don’t you ever talk about anything but work?
There’s a knock at the door.
Roland– That must be the wedding co-ordinator.
He points at the door and it unlocks itself and swings open.
It’s not the wedding co-ordinator, it’s two very annoyed
aunts. Sabrina leaps up excited.
Sabrina– My aunts! You’ve come to rescue me?
Hilda– Actually no, but we’re working on getting you out.
Roland– Good luck. It’s an iron clad contract.
Zelda– Yes, but we have a lawyer with… great legs.
Hilda– And in the mean time we’ve brought Sabrina her
school books.
Sabrina– Whoo-hoo. I’m engaged to a troll and I get to
study for finals.
Roland– Okay, visiting hours are over. Once we’re family
you’ll be welcome in my house anytime, but for now
vamoose.
Hilda– Don’t worry.
Zelda– We’ll get you out.
Sabrina– Before Friday or I’ll fail biology.
The aunts leave and the door is magically locked once more.
Roland– Forget homework, you’re my princess now.
and with a wave of his hand she’s dressed in the same pink
dress she wore in his dream along with a tall pink conical hat
and vale.
Sabrina– I can dress myself.
Int. Spellman dining room. The lawyer is still trying to find a
get-out in the trolls contract. He paces the room as Hilda and
Zelda sit impatiently.
Witch Lawyer– Hopeless. Hopeless. Ho. Ho! Buried clause.
Hilda– Is that good?
Witch Lawyer– (Reading) The party of the first part may be
rescued by a prince she desires. Ha, ha. This may be the way
out.
Zelda and Hilda leap up excitedly.
Zelda– That’s great! Do we know any princes?
Witch Lawyer– Ney! I’ll set up some interviews.
Int. Spellman living room. Hilda and Zelda interview a
prospective handsome prince. Only he’s a little over weight
and out of condition, but he fills his tights well.
Zelda– On your special skills it says wall climbing?
Prince Randy– Oh that’s old.
Hilda– What about Dragon slaying?
Prince Randy– Haven’t done it in years. Look, I know I’ve
let myself go but I think I can handle a troll. Do I smell pie?
Later.
The next Prince is actually a Princess. Isis, the warrior
Princess. All metal and leather with plenty of bare flesh. A
panel beater’s dream come true.
Princess Isis– Look, I know twelve different ways of killing
you both without leaving my chair. So when do I start?
Zelda– Isis, you are our most qualified applicant but we still
can’t use you.
Princess Isis– It’s because I’m a woman isn’t it?
Hilda– Well yes.
Princess Isis– That makes me so…
Hilda hides behind Zelda as the Amazon woman leaps up
brandishing her wicked looking weapon
Princess Isis– (Cont.) No. I’m going to save this anger for
my support group.
Later. Interview number three. This one has all the necessary
background and breeding and is the right sex. It’s such a pity
that he’s only seven years old.
Zelda– Do you want some juice?
He shakes his head no.
Hilda– Okay. We’re looking for a prince to save our niece
from a troll. It could involve some sword play and there’s no
guarantee that you’ll come back alive.
Boy Prince– <Sob!> I don’t wanna die <Sob!>
Zelda– Don’t cry.
Hilda– Do you want your mom? Should we get the Queen?
He nods yes.
Int. Spellman living room. later. Zelda answers the doorbell.
It’s Harvey.
Harvey– Hi. Is Sabrina home?
Zelda– Oh no. I’m sorry.
Harvey– Me too. Well when you see her could you tell her
that I’ve thought about it and I’m willing to accept whatever
weird situation she’s in. That’s all, see ya.
He turns to go zipping up has wind-cheater when Zelda
notices what’s written across the back.
Zelda– Harvey! Would you come in for a moment?
Harvey– Sure.
He enters and Zelda closes the door.
Zelda– I couldn’t help but notice your jacket. Who is the
Termite King?
Harvey– My Dad. That’s his company.
Zelda– Which would make you the Termite Prince.
Harvey– And that’s why I’m leaving the area when I go to
college.
Zelda– Will you excuse me.
Int. Spellman dining room. the Lawyer leaps up with a law
book in his hand.
Witch Lawyer– There’s hope! The Termite Prince will stand
up in a court of troll.
Hilda– Yes!
Zelda– Yeah! Only problem is, Harvey’s mortal. Do we have
the fixings for a memory loss potion?
Hilda– Do we!
She nods yes and they both dash off to the kitchen.
Int. The Other Realm, Roland’s room. Sabrina sits doing her
revision for finals and tries to ignore the wedding co-
ordinator and Roland as they plan her happy day.
Camilla– I see you two in a gazebo draped in wisteria.
Roland– I’m loving it.
Camilla– With garlands in her hair, and yours
Roland– Divine.
Sabrina– I have an idea. Why don’t you two get married?
Camilla– I see the bride has a case of cold feet.
Roland– Oh poor Sabrina. Maybe I shouldn’t put you
through all the stress of this.
Sabrina– You mean…?
Roland– (Interrupting) Yes, let’s move the wedding up to
tomorrow.
Sabrina– Tomorrow! Somebody help me. <Sob!>
She runs across the room to the high turret window.
Sabrina– (Cont.) HELP!
Int. Spellman living room. Harvey drinks a smoking brew
from a silver chalice as Hilda, Zelda and the Lawyer sit
watching from the settee.
Harvey– Hmm. Cinnamony.
Zelda– What we’re about to tell you is strange, so I hope
you can accept it.
Harvey– I’m drinking from a chalice in front of a guy with no
pants, I’m trying. So what’s the truth?
Hilda– Sabrina’s a witch and she’s being held captive by a
troll in his castle and only a prince who she loves can save
her.
Harvey– That’s all?
He takes another big swig of the brew.
Int. Spellman upstairs landing. Harvey stands in the closet
doorway, Hilda and Zelda stand by.
Harvey– So the quest starts with me going through the linen
closet?
Hilda– Yes. Wait, your clothes are all wrong.
She does that pointing thing that the Spellman’s do so well
and Harvey acquires a floppy hat with a huge feather, a black
velvet surcoat and tights, Luckily he has the legs to get away
with it. He also has a sword.
Harvey– I don’t have to dress like this forever do I?
Zelda– No. Just until you vanquish the troll.
Harvey– I couldn’t vanquish the troll in pants?
Zelda pushes him firmly into the closet and closes the door.
Harvey is transported the Roland’s castle in the Other Realm.
Ext. The Other Realm, Roland’s castle outer bailey. Harvey
enters having to duck even lower than Sabrina had to, to get
under the portcullis.
Harvey– Sabrina?
Int. Roland’s room. Sabrina still works for her finals then she
hears the call.
Harvey– (OS) SABRINA!
Sabrina– Harvey?
Harvey tries the little troll door to the keep but it’s magically
locked like the one that holds Sabrina captive.
Harvey– Sabrina!
Sabrina runs to the window and looks down.
Sabrina– Harvey!
Harvey– How’s it goin’?
Sabrina– What are you doing here?
Harvey– I’m supposed to vanquish the troll.
Sabrina– Oh, come on up.
Harvey– I can’t, the doors locked.
Sabrina– There must be a way. We have to think fairy tale.
I’ve got it!
She points at her head and her long blonde hair gets longer
and longer and longer until it covers most of the floor of the
room. She bends down and scoops up armload’s of it and
grunting under the weight, tosses it out of the window. The
weight of the hair alone almost drags her through it but she
hangs on to the window sill and braces herself.
Sabrina– Harvey, climb up my hair.
Harvey– You’re okay with that?
Sabrina– Yeah, just don’t split any ends.
Harvey grabs hold of the thick rope of hair and starts to pull
himself up the tower wall, It was bad enough for Sabrina with
just the weight of the hair but with Harvey’s weight also it’s
very painful and she grits her teeth to stop herself
screaming. Harvey climbs until one hand is able to grab the
ledge and the other the hair at the back of Sabrina’s head.
Harvey– Almost there.
Sabrina– Hurry up
Harvey– I made it.
Sabrina– My Prince has come.
Harvey– You look great with long hair.
He climbs into Roland’s room.
Sabrina– Na, it’s a lot of up keep. Let me look at you. So, I
guess this means you know how weird my life is.
Harvey– Your aunts told me.
Sabrina– I figured as much when I saw you in tights.
Harvey– They’re kinda bunching on me.
Roland– (OS) Sweetheart, look what the Billy Goat sent us.
Sabrina– Quick, hide.
She holds back a tapestry on the wall for Harvey to duck
behind.
Sabrina– (Cont.) I’ve got to get rid of this hair.
She casts the spell just as Roland enters showing off the
wedding present.
Roland– It’s a blender.
Even though Harvey’s hidden, Roland spots him straight off.
Roland– What’s he doing here?
Sabrina– Oh right, you’re good at finding things.
Roland– Where’s my sword? Where’s my sword?
It doesn’t take him long to find his sword either.
Roland– (Cont.) Ha, ha! found it.
He moves towards Harvey waving the sword.
Harvey– Sabrina, what do I do?
Sabrina– Draw your sword.
He draws his sword.
Harvey– Now what do I do?
Sabrina– Use it!
He has little choice as Roland attacks, He manages to fend
off the initial thrusts but Roland has the experience and
Harvey fights for survival, he’s pushed back into one of the
seats bringing their heights level, and as he gains in
confidence from not being run through in the first seconds he
regains his feet giving him a substantial height and reach
advantage which counters Roland’s greater skill. Harvey
forces the fight driving Roland back through the low door and
down the spiral stairs. Sabrina runs to the window and sees
them come out into the bailey. Roland is relentless and when
Harvey trips on some hay bails he swings the blade to cleave
him in two.
Roland– Take that!
But Harvey manages to role aside and counters with a stroke
of his own.
Harvey– Take it back!
Roland just manages to parry the stroke. Sabrina cheer’s on
her prince and offers occasional advice.
Sabrina– Watch out!
The swords clash and lock as they both hold their ground.
Roland– Ah! Time out! Time out!
They both disengage panting, Harvey leans on his sword
while Roland climbs up onto a crate. Once he’s on a level
height with Harvey.
Roland– Time in.
And he swings his sword almost decapitating his young
opponent who ducks just in time. Harvey blocks two more
swings and sees that Roland’s left himself open. He draws his
arm back for the thrust that will surely end the fight but as
the sword point passes through where Roland stands he’s not
there anymore.
Harvey– Where’d he go?
Sabrina– To your left!
Roland– Over here, farm boy.
Harvey– I hate that name.
They engage once more and Sabrina decides it’s time she
pitched in with more than encouragement. She grabs her
school text books from the dresser and takes them to the
window. The battle still rages down below.
Sabrina– Don’t worry Harvey, here comes the air support.
She leans out of the window and awaits her moment, then
it’s geography away. It misses Roland by inches.
Roland– Honey, that almost hit me.
English is next, quickly followed by algebra. They both miss
their target.
Roland– Whaddya doin’? Hey, I’m duelling down here.
But even with the air support Roland’s greater skill proves
the telling factor as with a deft twist of his sword he disarms
his young opponent. He laughs at the helpless boy as they
circle and with a sweep of the flat of his blade he knocks
Harvey’s feet from under him. He stands over him with the
point pressed to his heart for the killing stroke.
Roland– You’ve taken your last breath
Sabrina only has biology left and it’s Harvey’s only hope, not
to mention hers, she raises it above her head.
Sabrina– My aim is true.
She lets fly, and her aim is true, Roland falls in a heap as the
text book clouts him on the head.
Sabrina– Bulls eye, and to think I complained about lugging
that around all year.
She runs down the stairs as Harvey gets to his feet.
Sabrina– Harvey? Harvey?
They embrace in a big hug as Roland starts to come round.
Roland– What happened? Sabrina, did you do this to me?
Sabrina– Sorry Roland, but consider yourself vanquished.
Roland– You’re a very complicated woman and more trouble
than you’re worth. The marriage is off and if anyone asks, I
dumped you.
Harvey– We did it.
Sabrina– Let’s frolic.
Ext. Summer meadow. Sabrina and Harvey run hand in hand
through the buttercups in a dreamy slow motion until.
Sabrina– Wait! What day is it?
Harvey– Thursday?
Sabrina– We’ve got our biology test tomorrow, we’ve gotta
study. Move it!
Sabrina picks up her long skirt and they both leg it back to
the mortal realm.
Int. Spellman Kitchen. Sabrina and Harvey enter in their
normal day wear.
Hilda– Sabrina, you’re back.
They hug.
Sabrina– Harvey saved me, and now he knows everything.
Harvey– Yep. Sabrina’s a witch, you’re a witch, your Sister’s
a witch, it all makes sense.
Hilda– But only for fifteen more seconds. Then the
knowledge will be erased from his memory forever.
Sabrina– But I like it like this. We have no secrets from each
other.
Hilda– Then for the next five seconds you have a perfect
relationship.
Hilda leaves.
Harvey– That doesn’t give me much time but I always knew
there was something magical about you Sabrina, and now…
What was I saying?
Sabrina– You were telling me… what mitosis is.
Harvey– Right… What is it?
Int. The Other Realm. Roland’s room. Stuart the lawyer is
with Roland tidying up legal ends.
Witch Lawyer– And initial here.
Roland initials the document and the Lawyer whips it away
into his brief case.
Roland– I found this pen you know.
Witch Lawyer– Sabrina is now free and clear to marry
whoever she wants. In return you are entitled to her clock
radio.
He takes it from the brief case and puts it on the dresser.
Roland– I didn’t really want it, I just took it to hurt her.
Int. Westbridge High School hallway, Harvey and Sabrina
walk hand in hand down the hall and bump into Libby.
Libby– It’s the first day of finals. What are you two doing
holding hands?
Harvey– We survived the curse.
Libby– How?
Sabrina– It’s a funny story. I’ll tell you about it later.
Int. Biology class room. Sabrina, Harvey and Libby enter and
take their seats as Mr. Pool hands out test papers.
Mr. Pool– You have fifty minutes. Don’t start until everyone
has a test.
Harvey– Sabrina, good luck
Sabrina– You too, and don’t forget. Mitosis is…
Mr. Pool– (Interrupting) You may begin.
Sabrina– (Whispering) The process of cell division.
Int. Sabrina’s bedroom. Sabrina’s with her pet cat Salem, her
aunts enter.
Hilda– Congratulations on your finals results.
Zelda– You’ve done so well that we think you deserve a
reward.
Sabrina– I’ve been thinking that too.
Run Credits
Salem– So, where are we going? Tony Roma’s
Hilda– No.
The aunts both put on matador hats.
Sabrina– What’s going on?
Zelda– It’s an around the world tour available only to
witches who ace biology.
Hilda– And their relatives.
Zelda– First stop Spain.
Hilda– Ole!
And with a snap Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda vanish.
Salem– They left me behind! Be strong, don’t cry <Sob!>
Sabrina appears beside him
Sabrina– I can’t believe we almost forgot you.
She picks him up.
Salem– What, had you left?
Sabrina– Yes. Anyway we have to catch up with the others.
Ole!
And with a snap they’re gone.