a
barefacts
Thursday
26 February 2004
Published by the USSU
Communications Office
issue number 1076
I N T H I S W E E K ’ S PA P E R
GU2 107.3FM | Find out when your
favourite shows are on GU2 | page 5
EXTRA TERRESTRIAL | Want to know what’s
on TV this week? It’s all here! | page 9
SPORT | All the latest from the University
sports teams | page 19 & 20
Situation Vacant
BY CHRIS WARD & PHILIP HOWARD
EDITOR & NEWS EDITOR
DO YOU HAVE a PhD? Are you a prominent
professor who has contributed to an awe-
inspiring research area? Do you have the
academic prowess to lead a top University
into a prosperous financial and academic
future? If the answer is yes, perhaps you
should consider applying for the vacancy of
Vice Chancellor and Chief Executive of the
University of Surrey. The position boasts
a handsome salary and many perks as one
of the leading figures of the University in
regards to the future of UniS and its future
educational investments.
It has been announced that Patrick J.
Dowling CBE DL FREng FRS, Professor
of Civil Engineering, will be standing down
as Vice Chancellor and Chief Executive
of the University of Surrey. An advert for
a suitable replacement is currently being
publicised on the UniS Vacancy Website for
someone who could provide a notable and
monumental performance as the University
of Surrey’s new Vice Chancellor and Chief
Executive. The job-description emphasises
that the successful candidate should have
“strong leadership and vision”, “academic
credibility”, and “significant leadership
and management skills” to “continue
the development of the University in the
challenging HE environment.
In addition to retirement from the University
of Surrey, Professor Dowling has agreed to
take on the chair of the BA Council, the
British Association for the Advancement
of Science announced at the beginning of
February. In a press release sent from the
University, the Vice Chancellor said, “I am
delighted to be taking up this important
appointment as Chair of the BA. It is
absolutely fundamental to the future health
of the nation’s economy and quality of life
that the role of science be fully understood,
appreciated and supported by all. I am
entertainments | centre
INTERNATIONAL WEEK
Week 7 is International
Week at the University of
Surrey - find out what’s on
offer for one of the most
exciting weeks this year.
Union | page 5
looking forward to the opportunities and
challenges of this position.”
Professor Dowling has presided over much
of the expansion of Surrey on its Stag Hill
campus - Austin Pearce, the Duke of Kent
building, Millennium House, University
Court, the Daphne Jackson Building, and
the Surrey Management School; he is
currently working on the new Manor Park
plans to expand the university across the A3.
The VC has been instrumental in making
the university known internationally, and
has promoted UniS far afield. Hitting the
Film | page 7
THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER
V SHOW 2004
The Chinese Asian Society
introduce you to the wonders
of the V Show, held on 29th
February 2004 in the University
Hall...
Union | page 7
Professor Dowling regarding variable fees,
for example, the university policy would be
directly affected - the new VC will arrive
at a crucial time in the progression towards
the new system. Professor Dowling recently
announced plans to form a team to assess the
use of new funding received from variable
fees, including student representatives; it
will entirely depend on the new VC as to
whether he chooses to take particular note
of this team or not.
Also at a crucial stage is the Manor Park
development - plans for the new campus
are expected to have been approved by the
Council in one form or another by the time
the new VC arrives, and much of his or
her tenure at Surrey will be involved with
seeing the project through to establishing
the new campus. Many decisions remain to
be made, and the vision which the new VC
has will directly affect its implementation.
The University of Surrey is at a crucial
moment in its history, with variable fees,
new developments, a new campus and the
continued expansion of Surrey’s image and
fame. The next Vice-Chancellor will be
instrumental ultimately in the success of the
future of Surrey. The question on barefacts’
lips is: Who is in the running?
news last January, he pushed towards
independence from the government,
raising the possibility of privatisation
of the university. Any prospective
candidate would have to conform to
these ideals, and be able to continue the
schemes started over the years.
Precisely who gets the job will have a
direct bearing on students at Surrey. Those
graduating before the summer of 2005 are
unlikely to be greatly affected, but there will
be an extensive hand-over period. If the
new VC has particularly different ideas to
Competition | page 8 Interactive | page 16
2 NEWS 26 February 2004

EDITORIAL TEAM 2003-4

Editor in Chief
Education Shuts Down
Sarah Butterworth BY SARAH BUTTERWORTH Second Reading vote with a small majority At Union Council on Tuesday 24th February,
comms EDITOR IN CHIEF today’s action shows that there is widespread The University of Surrey Students’ Union
@ussu.co.uk opposition to plans to fees. held an indicative vote to show whether
MANY STUDENTS AND lecturers shut down “It is abundantly obvious that students do not Surrey students were generally in support
Editor further and higher education campuses want to be forced into a marketplace where of or against the AUT action this week.
Chris Ward yesterday (Wednesday 25th February) as they have to choose their course based on the Council concluded that it would generally
cs21cw part of NUS’ week of action in protest ability to pay and not on aptitude and further show support for the industrial action this
@surrey.ac.uk at the government’s plans to introduce to be taught by underpaid and demotivated week, but voted against supporting the
variable top-up fees. Many students downed lecturers. ‘working to rule’ which will be commencing
Deputy Editor their books for a complete shutdown of “The government needs to act now and on Monday 1st March. The consequences of
Neil Christie campuses in a nationwide action which listen to the concerns raised by universities, this could mean students do not have their
ms33nc involved demonstrations, pickets and students, staff and the general public. The work marked or returned, exams may not be
@surrey.ac.uk rallies. The lecturers’ union the Association HE Bill as it stands fails to address these set, and final year students could see a delay
of University Teachers (AUT) were also out concerns and must be stopped before it is in receiving their final degree.
Deputy Editor on strike against their employers’ current too late.”
Ben Berryman pay proposals.
ma91bb At 10:30am on Wednesday Mandy Telford
@surrey.ac.uk and Sally Hunt lent their support to students
at the University of London Union, Malet
Music Editor Street, who were handing out degrees from
Matt Badcock the ‘University of Hard Knocks’ in protest at
ms01mb the government’s funding proposals.
@surrey.ac.uk They then joined the picket line at the
University College of London (UCL),
Music Editor Gower Street entrance at 11:30am, where
Jon Allen students and lecturers stood shoulder to
bs21ja shoulder in protest at the government’s plans
@surrey.ac.uk to force a market onto higher education.
NUS President Mandy Telford said: “In an
Film Editor unprecedented move up to 5 million students
and lecturers will make it plainly clear to the
Neil Boulton
government that it has not won the war on
cs21nb top-up fees. Despite scraping through the
@surrey.ac.uk

Bristol Leaves NUS

Theatre Editor
Scotland. One student, Tom Davies, said it
Daisy Clay
was not the first time the union had tried to
ps21dc
@surrey.ac.uk make the break: “Most people won’t think
this will make any difference, maybe a
THE STUDENTS’ UNION at the University of by many at the University of Surrey. few less discounts in student shops. Bristol
Literature Editor Bristol has voted to disaffiliate itself from President of Bristol Students’ Union, Can students are politically disengaged from
Jennifer Walker the National Union of Students (NUS). At Okar, who proposed the motion, said “It student and national politics anyway.”
ph21jw an AGM on Thursday 5th February, students costs more than £40,000 a year to be part of Last year University of Surrey students
@surrey.ac.uk voted 227 to 145 in favour of forming an the NUS. We felt it wasn’t value for money voted to stay affiliated to the National Union
independent union, with 22 abstentions. and we don’t feel it is representative of the of Students in a campus wide referendum
News Editor This is a particularly notable move as Bristol student body here. We have to now look at held at the same time as the 2003 Sabbatical
Philip Howard Students’ Union was a founding member of alternatives to having some kind of national Elections. However, 10% of students were
ph02ph the NUS. voice.” not in favour, a rise on two year’s previous.
@surrey.ac.uk Officers from the Union said the NUS was Bristol University isn’t the first union to This will come up for a review in a year’s
now too expensive and did not adequately make the break. It joins Students’ Unions time, unless a motion overriding it is passed
Sports Editor represent Bristol students, a feeling shared at Southampton, Imperial College and in through Union Council before that time.
Peter Nichols
cs11pn barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is published by the University In three week’s time barefacts 2003-4 will be opening its pages for
@surrey.ac.uk of Surrey Students’ Union Communications Office. the last time. Yes, only four more issues of your beloved paper this
year (including this one). However, the bf team will be returning
CONTRIBUTORS The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors and do not after Easter for one final showdown, with an as yet unnamed
necessarily represent the views of the Editor, the University of Surrey Students’
Stuart Badcock Paul Lee magazine. It may seem a little early, but we’ve decided it’s probably
Union or the University of Surrey. This publication may not be reproduced in whole
Jodee Cartwright Carol Main
or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express permission best not to soldier through right to the end of semester, so that the
David Chapman Dina Mystris
of the publisher beforehand. dedicated barefacts team can put the amazing effort they put into
Scott Farmer Stavros Sachinis All submissions must include the author’s name and Union or Staff Number. the paper each week into their, um, exams! Thanks guys - you’ve all
Matt Fisher Sandeep Sohal Submission is no guarantee of publication been extra specially amazing stars this year. xx
Chris Hunter Heli Tirkkonen
Claire Iles Laura Tomlin Articles submitted Anonymously and Pseudonymously will not be published.
Peter Innes Arvind Virdee
barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions.
submit your articles online...
Catherine Lee Peter Wigfield

Design & Layup: barefacts@ussu.co.uk | WWW.USSU.CO.UK

Sarah Butterworth © USSU COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE 2004 email barefacts

Pete Nichols | Ben Berryman
Chris Ward | Neil Christie
Printed by Sharman and Co. Printers:
Peterborough | Tel: 01733 424949
@ussu.co.uk
26 February 2004
Clarke Gives Offa Remit Letters to barefacts
BY PHILIP HOWARD
On Monday Charles Clarke, the education
secretary, set out the first draft of the remit
of the new Office for Fair Access (Offa).
The Guardian quotes Mr Clark as saying:
“Our reforms to higher education will open
up opportunity. The Office for Fair Access
is an important part of this drive. Today I
am publishing more details of how it will
work. Offa will be necessary, focused, non-
bureaucratic, powerful, open and nothing
to do with admissions. University are as
passionate about widening participation as I
am. Access agreements will be input driven
based on financial support, financial advice
and outreach work. Access agreements are
not about dictating admissions policies
and OFFA will not have any powers over
university admissions.”
Voting Numbers Up on 2003
BY PHILIP HOWARD
Preliminary figures from the voting booths
put the number of votes up by approximately
half on last year - on Monday alone there
were some 450 votes, around 150 up on last
year.
In the past, student apathy has been blamed
for low turn-out, and also as the reason for
so few candidates standing in past years.
Last year saw VP Societies & Culture go
uncontested, and only VP Sports managed
three candidates. This year, however, the
newly created VP Postgraduate Affairs
position has the fewest candidates with just
two in the running, whilst VP Education &
Welfare has five candidates. In total there
were 10 candidates for 5 positions, and this
dotuk
codot
wwwdotGu2dotco
wwwdot
NEWS & LETTERS
Mr Clarke’s draft guidance and legislation
outlines several main points. Firstly,
Offa would make agreements with those
universities that wish to charge top-up fees.
These would include details of bursaries,
outreach work and contact with potential
students. Universities charging additional
fees will also need to report to Offa every
year.
Offa will focus on the universities with the
poorest record of widening participation,
who are most likely to charge full fees. Offa
will also be independent of Hefce, England’s
funding council, but will use the data Hefce
collects rather than place an additional
burden of paperwork on universities.
Offa is already infamous, even before
its creation - it has been dubbed ‘OffToff’
by the media, and is much maligned as an
added layer of beaurocracy.
year there are 22 candidates for 6 positions.
Much of the success of this year’s
improved turn-out has been attributed to
election campaigning - with 22 candidates,
there are simply more posters, despite their
continual removal by university staff and
‘wayward factions’.
Many expected this year’s elections to have
a lower turn-out than last year, as electronic
voting is not available this year. Off-campus
voters have had to apply for postal voting
forms in advance, leaving some unable to
participate.
Voting is still open until Friday 27th, and
voting stations are open in the Union and
Lecture Theatres, complete with candidates
on hand to assist you in your decision.
wwwdotGu2dotco
wwwdot
codot
dotuk
Letters must be received by 12pm on the Friday before publication to be published in the next
newspaper. | Letters may be edited for length or clarity | barefacts@ussu.co.uk
Dear barefacts,
I am writing to complain about something
which I believe affects a lot of us students
here at Surrey and indeed across the country.
But firstly I wish to criticise the letters
you publish most of them concern such
trifling matters, or minor inconveniences
that printing them seems to me merely to
highlight a bigger problem that students
are self-obsessed, overly critical layabouts
that seem to spend more time enjoying
themselves and being generally irresponsible
than doing actual work. And therein lies the
problem. However, I have given this much
thought and wish to let my opinionated
and prejudiced views be distributed via
a small and insignificant student paper.
There is a solution, which although radical,
I believe will solve all these problems and
more. Sea-lions will also be benefited.
A radical restructuring of universities
put simply, remove all the students. In
other words, you hand over a small fee,
and in exchange are awarded some sort
of notional degree. The advantages of
this are enormous and readily apparent to
anyone; it is worthwhile just considering
Dear barefacts
I am writing to shamelessly plug MaDSoc’s
musical which is happening in Week 7.
From the 3rd to the 6th March at 8pm and
an additional 2.30pm performance on the
Saturday, the cast of A Slice of Saturday
Night want to give you a night to remember.
Tickets are only 5 and are available from the
union between 12 and 2 and also from the
Electric Theatre 01483 444789. When I was
on my travels around campus, I discovered
coming soon.....
the (almost) all new:
www.ussu.co.uk
your first port of call for pretty much
anything you want to know about
the Union, University, societies, sports
clubs, media, welfare, Union Council,
Volunteering, DAVE Project...... or life in
general!
3
the time saved by hundreds of thousands
of students not being required to learn facts
and pass exams on courses which last 3 or
even 4 years. Secondly, the Governments
new proposals will no longer be necessary
the running costs of a university with no
students will be dramatically reduced.
Foreign students would be liberated
from the tedious and expensive business
of travelling to and living in another
country exchange programs could expand
leaps and bounds without the restriction
of arranging places and accommodation
overseas. In addition, the Governments
targets of 50% university enrolment could
be reached and even broken I suspect almost
100% of young adults would be placed in
the empowering position of being able to
obtain a degree. This way young adults
can become productive members of the
workforce immediately after finishing
school, with none of the economic
burdens associated with universities
forced on the unfortunate taxpayer.
YOURS DISGRUNTLEDLY,
A REVOLUTIONARY RESIDENT
that many people I spoke to have never been
to see a musical before, so I challenge you,
come watch A Slice of Saturday Night and
find out what makes musical so popular.
I can guarantee you that all students and
staff will know at least one of the songs
as they’re all revamped 60s classics.
Oh, and there’s girls in hotpants too.
YOURS SINCERELY,
SAMANTHA SOMERS
MADSOC PRESIDENT
4 COMMENT
opinion
March 1st
You may notice a change from next Monday. Because if
everything goes to plan some 40% of your lecturers may
stop marking your work, returning work and setting exams
from the 1st March. The AUT voted in favour of this action
in a ballot last week, and it is to show their unhappiness at
proposed cuts in their wages. The Surrey AUT have asked the
Student’ Union for their support, and on Tuesday night there
was a lively debate at Union council as to whether or not we
should show support. The overwhelming feeling was that
although students sympathise with the lecturers’ problems,
as a Union it would be very difficult to support something
that is going to directly affect the majority of students’
degrees. An indicative vote at council confirmed this feeling.
If you are affected by the strike of lecturers, or having any
thoughts on this, write to barefacts@ussu.co.uk.
not barefacts opinion, but.....
A Slice of Saturday Night seek to ‘empower’ themselves,
Let us transport you back to retro 1964, where the hems were
high and the fringes low. Here at, Club-A-Go-Go, you can
witness the antics of a group of teenagers out on a Saturday powerful in society. Yet power
night. Witness the laughter, the tears, the break ups, the
make-ups all accompanied by the psychedelic sounds of
the 60’s, that will have you tapping your feet and dancing
in your seats.
The University of Surrey’s Music and Drama Society is
proud to present The Heather Brother’s fantastically funny
and fabulously funky production of A Slice of Saturday
Night, which plays homage to the music and lifestyle of the
swinging-sixties.
The story takes place in the infamous Club-A-Go-Go,
under the watchful eye of aging rocker Eric ‘Rubber Legs’
DeVene. It is THE place to be on a Saturday night, where all
the highs and lows of the ‘teenage dream’ take place.
The girls are styled to perfection, desperate to look like
Twiggy, Dusty Springfield and Sandy Shaw. Beneath their
skimpy Mary Quant style dresses beat virginal hearts on
the lookout for a future husband. The boys are would-be-
Beatles or embryo Donovan’s. Behind their cool hipster
trousers lurk the not-so-virginal impulses, which drive them
wild with desire.
To introduce you to the characters; Sue is going out with
Gary, who chats up Penny and any other bit of skirt that
looks his way. Sharon fancies Rick, who fancies Sharon,
but can’t pluck up the courage to tell her because she hasn’t
told him. Eddie fancies Bridget, who doesn’t fancy anyone
at all… Just an average Saturday night on the town then!
A Slice of Saturday Night is showing at the Electric Theatre
from Wednesday 3rd to Saturday 6th March 2004, 8pm
and 2.30pm (Saturday matinee only). Tickets are available
from the Electric Theatre Box Office on 01483 444 789.
Alternatively they can be purchased in the Union between
12pm and 2pm from week 5 onwards. Tickets are priced
£7/£5 concessions (including students).
BY LAURA TOMLIN AND JODEE CARTWRIGHT
barefacts | be heard
barefacts@ussu.co.uk
The Return of Politics
Philip Howard takes a look at politics, NUS, elections, GU2, the Vice Chancellor,
Europe, Russia and, well.... pretty much everything!
It occurs to me that this week has been a week of high
politics. Campus politics - the union sabbatical elections;
UK politics - the AUT lecturers’ strike action, NUS’ ‘day
of action’, inquiries into MMR jabs; EU politics - tough
immigration laws for visitors from the accession countries;
World politics - Putin dismissed his government, Bush has
begun his re-election campaign 8 months early.
If politics is about anything, it’s power. You have the
power to elect in the sabbaticals that you want running the
union for the next year. The lecturers are trying to wield
their power over universities to gain leverage in pay talks.
The NUS is as power-mad as ever. Parents are pressuring
the government for an inquiry in the hopes they can regain
power over the decisions they must take for their children.
Our government is excercising its temporary power to
control immigrants from eastern Europe. Putin is stretching
his power over his government, and Bush is trying to extent
the time-limit on his.
In an age where Americans
(and ever increasingly Britons)
power is becoming yet more
corrupts, why do we seek it?
Unfortunately, it seems that the power struggles of the
most powerful are reflected in the power struggles of the
most local - this past fortnight has seen an unending volley
of abuse and negative campaigning. Overlying the bitchier
side of the election process is the ever more aggravating
power struggle over the walls of campus between estates &
buildings and the candidates’ campaign teams. Daily rounds
to scour the walls of anything paper, not just on UCAS
days. Smear campaigns, spin, skeletons from cupboards
and fairly painful comedy have all played their part.
By the time you read this, the campus elections will be
all but over. Voting levels are up greatly on last year, but
that’s no guarantee that more people aren’t being dragged
to voting stations as they venture through the Lecture
Theatres. More candidates, more controversy, it seems. As
the candidates wait with baited breath, the adrenaline runs
pure.
Elections 2004 - the big vote
This friday sees the culmination of this
year’s sabbatical elections. Voting closes at
midday and the count begins shortly after.
join the candidates in chancellor’s restau-
rant from 5pm on friday to find out who will
be next years officers
Good Luck to all the candidates
from barefacts!
26 February 2004
At the top of the university, Senate House is looking for
a new VC - Professor Dowling leaves in the summer of
2005, and a worthy replacement must be found to shape the
future of UniS using their new-found power. Concurrently,
lecturers are on strike over pay and conditions across the
country, or so we are told. Few lecturers from Surrey are
following the instructions of the AUT, so perhaps the
lecturers are generally happier at Surrey than in the rest of
the country.
One resounding power victory has been GU2 - it has
control of the airwaves for a full month, and as I write
is currently excercising its power over listeners’ funny
bones doing a live broadcast as one of their number offers
Security a ‘gift’ - the quote is “Phil Brown, hand over the
donuts”. Free donuts, however, will only be available to
immigrants from the accession countries of eastern Europe
should they get a job. As the plumber crisis begins to
pull academics from university with the lure of increased
wealth, the gap may be summarily filled by a number of
visitors from our new European neighbours.
Despite all the cries of British jobs being filled by
foreigners, I for one welcome a new culture set to the
UK - you can never have enough. The Home Office has,
however, had to exercise their power over the hoards of
foreigners about to invade, presumably to shut the Daily
Mail readers up. All this moves ever closer to a federal
europe, although that is one debate that has not been raging
recently.
On the scale of Europe’s top level politics, Putin decided
he had had enough of his government just weeks before
the next presidential election, and sent them all home. An
excellent display of power, particularly as Putin is expected
to walk into a re-election. Not so for Bush, however. On
the other side of the North Pole, the President is having to
face a strong opposition as he starts his campaign to retain
power some 8 months before the election. Perhaps some of
our sabbatical candidates could have benefitted from more
of this kind of planning ahead.
In an age where Americans (and ever increasingly Britons)
seek to ‘empower’ themselves, power is becoming yet more
powerful in society. Yet power corrupts, why do we seek it?
Society’s collective ego demands that we could do a better
job of running things, that whoever currently wields power
is doing a terrible job. We want power, but we can’t feel it
directly. However, we can fight our little corner, where our
vote is one of a thousand rather than one of a million, with
the same venom as wars are waged. Sometime we will need
to let go of the throttle, or we will burn out - overpowered,
it seems, by ourselves. Oh, and don’t forget to vote.
26 February 2004 UNION 5

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Da Jump Off
Good morning Surrey
The Bad Boys of GU2

Cyclone Dance Show

Tueasday Sabeena

International
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Jay & Petchy

Kerrang
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Rock

The Late Show

Wednesday

GU2 non stop music

David G Nafe And Chris

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Scoot & The
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Watch

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Friday Ruby Friday Night Kiss
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Non Stop Big Luke & Cyclone Da

James Harwood John Miller Jazz Bad Boys of GU2 Old Skool Anti- Chart
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Want to know what’s on GU2? Then look no further than your very own barefacts GU2 FM planner. There
are show to suit all tastes, from cheese to urban, and rock to dance. So what are you waiting for? Tune
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Tuesday 2nd March 2004

6 UNION
Fashion Show…
On the evening of Saturday 8th May ‘Save
The Children’ are holding a fundraising
fashion show at the Holiday Inn (by
Tesco’s) and they have asked the A Team
to help! They are especially looking for
help with musical entertainment (trendy
jazz/ acapella), as well as producing the
programme, designing a backdrop for the
catwalk, and helping with the technical side
(PA/ lighting). There will be a meeting in
the USSU with a representative from Save
The Children on Wednesday 3rd March,
2.30pm in the USSU activity centre for
anyone who is interested. Please let me
know if you are interested in coming along
and getting involved.
Cadet Collection…
On Saturday 20th March volunteers are
being requested to help with a street
collection in Guildford for the Sea Cadets.
It will be an exciting event, with a cadet
band playing!
Enterprising Opportunity…
A game is being run (like mini-enterprise if
you remember that from secondary school?)
for 75 year 10 business studies students at
The George Abbot School (Guildford) and
a volunteer or two are being sought to help
‘sell’ stationary supplies (paper money!).
It’s an all day event on Tuesday 30th March
(8am – 2pm ish). You’ll get a free lunch,
and travel expenses paid of course.
USSU Battle…
It’s time for ‘battle of the bands’! We have
10 local schools ready to battle it out on
the USSU stage to win a top prize and the
honor of being the best local school band.
The event will take place over 2 Sundays
– 14th and 21st March. Help is needed
on both days – it will be a fun time, and a
fantastic opportunity to learn and develop
new skills.
It’s Childs Play…
We are linking with a local infants school
for 2 mornings with Disability Challengers
(who run a playcentre, sports club, activity
weekends etc for children and young
people under 25 years) on Thursdays 11th
and 18th March. This will be an awareness
26 February 2004
raising event where there will be a talk for
the school children about the organisations,
and the children will be given a chance to
play! We are looking for students to go
along and help out.
Do You Get The Link?
D
St. John Links is the student wing of the
UK’s largest voluntary first aid society, and
they are running an ambulance training
exercise on Saturday 17th April, locally
(Dunsfold Park – transport provided
– numbers depending). A similar event ran
last year and students and staff from UniS
went along and had a fantastic time! The
day will run from 8am until about 8pm and
meals will be provided.
Name | Carol Main
Tel | (01483) (68) 3254
Email | c.main@surrey.ac.uk
Web | www.ussu.co.uk/volunteering
Person | The Activities Centre @ USSU
26 February 2004
Dr Russ
Replies
Why do employers use discussion groups
at selection centres?
Discussion groups provide a quick and
easy way to gain information from
candidates which is relevant to a range of
jobs. Employers are particularly interested
in assessing your self-confidence, clarity
of expression, breadth and depth of ideas
and interpersonal skills from this type of
exercise.
So what are they like?
Having watched a number of discussion
groups over the years, the main thing
I’ve noticed is that there is no common
format. A chairperson might be appointed
or the group left leaderless; a specific
topic might be thrown in for discussion
or you might be left to develop something
yourselves; sometimes you are given a brief
beforehand, other times you’re not.
So how can I best prepare?
First of all why not consider attending
the next Assessment Centre workshop on
Wednesday 3 March at 2pm. The Careers
Service also holds a video which shows
what happens at a typical assessment
centre and which is definitely worth seeing.
Finally, we have a useful takeaway leaflet
which summarises the main activities you
are likely to face.
How can I improve my performance on
the day?
The most important thing is to say
something early on. The longer you leave
it, the harder it is to get going. Don’t
CAREERS EVENTS | SPRING SEMESTER WEEK 7
ARMY*
MONDAY 1 MARCH
Visiting to hold informal interviews . Many and
varied career openings across a wide range of
disciplines. Please contact Careers for details.
WOOLWORTHS*
1 MARCH
6.30 pm in LT M
Presentation for finalists and placement students for
the Group Leadership Programme for Retail.
PROFESSIONAL
DR RUSS CLARK
UNIS CAREERS SERVICE
worry about making a fool of yourself
at this stage, it’s far more important to
get used to the sound of your own voice.
You will gain in confidence the more you
speak. Second, if you feel shut out of the
discussion at any stage - you can come back
in fairly painlessly either by complimenting
someone on a view or an opinion which
they’ve expressed or by asking them to
clarify something they’ve said. You will be
given marks for these contributions because
they are seen as supportive and helpful.
What if I’m asked to lead?
If you are chairing the discussion you
should aim to: introduce the topic; set
down any guidelines such as encouraging
only one person to speak at a time; curtail
overbearing participants whilst involving
those on the fringes of the discussion; and,
finally, steer the group towards a point
where you can make a short summary of
the discussion. Keep your eye on the clock
because if you over-run, you might be
penalised. The discussion might even be
terminated by the examiners before you’ve
had a chance to draw it all together and that
would be disastrous.
And if I mess it up?
As with every part of the selection
procedure, don’t panic if you think it hasn’t
gone well for you. Candidates are seldom
rejected on the results of just one exercise.
What’s more, if you stay calm and can
bounce back for the next test, your positive
attitude is certain to impress the examiners
and will often more than compensate for
previous disappointments.
HOW TO SUCCEED AT ASSESSMENT
CENTRES*
WEDNESDAY 3 MARCH
2 – 4 pm in LT B
Another opportunity to attend a workshop on
final selection procedures. This is a repeat of the
workshop held on 11 February.
* Please sign up in
Careers or email
c.greaves@surrey.ac.uk
7
V-SHOW 2004 is Back
BY PAUL LEE performance?! The most hilarious On-
In 2003, the first ever V-show in UniS was
launched by the Chinese Asian Society
(CAS). And now, on 29th February 2004, we
are back again….
stage drama (Freshers’ Challenge &
Pop Idol 2004)?! Joint-school Singing
contest?! If that still can't interest you then
I am sure you can't resist up to £200 Prize
Draw!!!
DREAM is our theme for this year show. Normally you can only find this kind of
Everyone has a dream, or even more show in those so-called bigger University
than one, but how many of them can turn in UK, such as London, Cambridge, Bristol
into reality ?! Do you realize University etc. as they have a larger base of Chinese
students should have loads of wild dreams and Hong Kong students. Following
?! Because University is a period of time the success from last year, although the
when you move out and live on your own, manpower and resources are limited
have all your freedom, no need to worry in UniS, the CAS committees worked
about jobs and money yet…We would like extremely hard in order to make it happen.
to take this opportunity to transfer those This show is not only about performance, it
dreams into reality, live on-stage !!! is also about heart and sincerity. If you are
V-show stands for Variety and that's Chinese, then this is a chance you couldn’t
what our show is all about. What you can miss to support your society. We are
expect in our V-show?! Hip-hop Dance looking forward to seeing you there...
Date: 29th February 2004 (Sun) | Venue: University Hall | Time: 5:00pm – 8:00pm |
Entrance Fee: £7 (In Adv) & £10 (By Door) | Ticket Sales: 18/2 to 20/2 and 23/2 to 25/
2 @ Lecture Theatre (Foyer) 12:00-14:00 | by phone: 07867983351(Debbie) |
by e-mail: cas_surrey@hotmail.com
Amnesty International
BY HELI TIRKKONEN | We have set up an Amnesty International Society here at campus
and as there are just few of us at the moment, it would be nice to get some help in sending
appeals. For people who do not know about Amnesty, it is an independent voluntary
movement campaigning for human rights. It is important to note that we are impartial and
independent of any political ideology, economic interest, government or religion. It takes
literally just couple of minutes to send an appeal: log on to one of the following websites,
copy & paste the sample text to an email and send it off, but if you want to change the
sample text, please read the instructions at www.amnesty.org.uk prior to sending it.
STOPPING THE PAIN MERCHANTS preventing torture: the Optional Protocol to
web.amnesty.org/pages/stoptorture- the Convention against Torture and Other
021203-action-eng Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment
“Manufacturing, trading and promoting or Punishment (the Protocol). As of 20
equipment which is used to torture people August 2003, Argentina, Costa Rica, Italy,
is a money-making business. Across the Senegal, Sweden, Denmark and the UK
world, companies and individuals send are the only states that have signed the
equipment they say is designed for security Protocol. No state has yet ratified it. The
or crime control purposes into the hands of Protocol allows independent international
government security personnel who often experts to conduct regular visits to places
use them to commit human rights abuses. of detention within states parties (i.e. states
In the report The Pain Merchants, that have accepted this Protocol by ratifying
Amnesty International outlines the or acceding to it). The aim of these visits
measures needed to bring this vile trade is to assess the condition of detention and
to a halt. These include a ban on all the treatment of those detained and to
equipment whose primary use is to commit make recommendations to states parties for
human rights violations such as torture; a improvements. The Protocol also requires
suspension on the manufacture and use of states parties to set up national mechanism
any equipment which might be used for to conduct visits to places of detention and
human rights abuse; and a prohibition on to cooperate with the international experts.
the transfer and use of such equipment. Amnesty International together with many
Last year, Amnesty International recorded other non-governmental organisations
torture in more than 100 countries. If (NGOs) have long campaigned for a strong
there were tighter controls on the trade in and effective Protocol, and welcomed
security equipment and governments of the its adoption by the UN. By focussing on
world had the political will to stop torture, preventive rather than retroactive measures,
this number would fall.” and by establishing a complementary
Campaign for the signature and ratification relationship between international and
of the Optional Protocol to the Convention national mechanisms of monitoring, the
against Torture: web.amnesty.org/pages/ Protocol offers a new and important tool to
treaty_opcat “On 18 December 2002, the eradicate torture. Now governments must
United Nations (UN) General Assembly sign and ratify the Protocol, and by doing
adopted a new mechanism aimed at so ensuring its prompt entry into force.”
 FILM
As Oscar Day nears,
Neil Boulton presents
a special barearts run
down of the likely
suspects...
MORE FILM
Win all manner of ‘Bug
Fish’ goodie bags in our
fantastic competition
from the good ole
Guildford Odeon.

The Golden Army Of By Neil Boulton

or ‘How we know the

Cinematic Disappointment Oscars go to the wrong

films but worry anyway’

No film reviews this week, as such, but the Oscar’s take place this week. I know they never (ever) seem to go to the most deserving films e.g. Oscars for Eminem – 1, Oscars
for Martin Scorcese – 0, but that’s the fickle American voting system for you (oh the possible jokes at the expense of American Democracy… but that’s too far removed from
cinema). The best picture category is notorious for providing the biggest Oscar-awarding mishaps, Kramer vs. Kramer beating Apocalypse Now’s a good example. A lot of them
also involve snubbing Scorcese – a film called Ordinary People beating Raging Bull for best film in 1984… I’ve never heard of Ordinary People… ever. ( Also Taxi Driver beaten
for best picture by Rocky, Kevin Costner got the Oscar at the time when Goodfellas was eligible). Then there is all the back-slapping, hidden agendas, golden watches disguised
as awards… and then there’s Billy Crystal. Billy Crystal will make a small part of the back of your brain hurt if you watch him too much and the song and dance he usually
makes of the Oscars is just about enough to start the pain. Although he’s more at home with it than Steve Martin ever was (Poor Steve). Vast amounts of crying and awful
speeches also await us, so try not to think about the ceremony too much. All the fun comes in the speculation, as I said, the results themselves only bring disappointment.
Anyway, here are a few of the categories and their nominees, so you too may speculate about who should, or who’ll end up winning. The Return of The King leads the pack
with 11 nominations, doesn’t mean they’re going to get 11 Oscars… or does it.

Performance by an actor in a leading
role
Johnny Depp in PIRATES OF THE
CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE
BLACK PEARL
Ben Kingsley in HOUSE OF SAND AND
FOG
Jude Law in COLD MOUNTAIN
Bill Murray in LOST IN TRANSLATION
Sean Penn in MYSTIC RIVER
Performance by an actor in a supporting
role
Alec Baldwin in THE COOLER
Benicio Del Toro in 21 GRAMS
Djimon Hounsou in IN AMERICA
Tim Robbins in MYSTIC RIVER
Ken Watanabe in THE LAST SAMURAI
Performance by an actress in a leading
role
Keisha Castle-Hughes in WHALE RIDER
Diane Keaton in SOMETHING’S GOTTA
GIVE
Samantha Morton in IN AMERICA
Charlize Theron in MONSTER
Naomi Watts in 21 GRAMS
Performance by an actress in a
supporting role
Shohreh Aghdashloo in HOUSE OF
SAND AND FOG
Patricia Clarkson in PIECES OF APRIL
Marcia Gay Harden in MYSTIC RIVER
Holly Hunter in THIRTEEN
Renée Zellweger in COLD MOUNTAIN
Well, Johnny Depp did possibly the
funniest turn to get his nomination,
but I’d be happy with Bill Murray
winning one as well (They’ve both
played Hunter S. Thomspon in a
film…), although the Academy
may go for an irony bonus and give
it to Sean Penn who, while being
a great actor, is notoriously anti-
academy/Hollywood. Glad to see they
ignored Tom Cruise. Mystic River’s
dominating the acting nominations,
which isn’t surprising considering
the talent involved in the film and
it’s dramatic very Oscar friendly
subject matter. Though both Penn
& Robbins deserve Oscars,
I’d quite like Pirates Of The
Caribbean to win across the
board, mainly because it’s a
Jerry Bruckheimer film.
Achievement in directing
CITY OF GOD Fernando Meirelles
THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE
RETURN OF THE KING Peter Jackson
LOST IN TRANSLATION Sofia Coppola
MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE
FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD Peter Weir
MYSTIC RIVER Clint Eastwood
Best motion picture of the year
THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE
RETURN OF THE KING (New Line)
LOST IN TRANSLATION
MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE
FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD
MYSTIC RIVER
SEABISCUIT
and again with Jackson as the favourite.
Er… Why oh why is Seabiscuit there?
Best animated feature film of the
year
BROTHER BEAR
FINDING NEMO
THE TRIPLETS OF BELLEVILLE
As long as it’s not Brother
Bear I’ll be happy. Both
Finding Nemo and The
Triplets Of Belleville are
great films (The Triplets
of Belleville was shown over
Christmas re-titled ‘Belleville
Rendez-Vous’), though I prefer
the latter as I don’t want Disney
to dominate animation.
Achievement in visual
effects
THE LORD OF THE
RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE
KING
MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE
FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE
CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL
The visual effects are as good as The
Return of the King’s, they had the skeleton-
type effects of Pirates of the Caribbean,
but with added war elephants. Master
and Commander’s nautical exploits I
guess would be very hard to fake, water
everywhere, rigging to climb, again similar
to Pirates of the Caribbean, but done with
more aplomb.
CITY OF GOD Screenplay by Braulio
Mantovani
THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE
RETURN OF THE KING Screenplay
by Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens & Peter
Jackson
MYSTIC RIVER Screenplay by Brian
Helgeland
SEABISCUIT Written for the Screen by
Gary Ross
Original screenplay
THE BARBARIAN INVASIONS Written
by Denys Arcand
DIRTY PRETTY THINGS Written by
Steven Knight
FINDING NEMO Screenplay by Andrew
Stanton, Bob Peterson and David Reynolds
Original Story by Andrew Stanton
IN AMERICA Written by Jim Sheridan &
Naomi Sheridan & Kirsten Sheridan
LOST IN TRANSLATION Written by
Sofia Coppola
Extra-Extra-Terrestrial:
The Oscars are on BBC1 at 12:50am – 5:
00am on Sunday-going-on-Monday, if
you fancy sitting through the giant heap of
backslapping and musical numbers. Or if
you want a more succinct version you can
watch Jonathan Ross’ coverage the next day
from 10:35pm – 12:20am, it will however
feature Jonathan Ross.

All of the Directors nominated could
easily win, I’d say Peter Weir’s the weak
candidate… he’ll probably go and win
it now. Considering missing out the last
two times the award seems to be as good
as Jackson’s. The best film list is near
identical to the best director list, with all the
nominated standing a chance of winning,
As for the writing categories as usual I’d
like the odd-ones-out to win, American
Splendour (Because it’s based on a comic)
and Finding Nemo (Because it’s a cartoon).
Adapted screenplay
AMERICAN SPLENDOR Written by
Robert Pulcini & Shari Springer Berman
26 February 2004 FILM 9

Extra Terrestrial - The Week Ahead

Aloha! It would appear to be unusually banded on TV this week, BBC1’s providing the more high-brow
entertainment, Channel 4’s fuelling the film buff’s fires and Channel 5 is providing a wonderful smattering of
brainless entertainment. Be sure to watch Apocalypse Now, you have to. By the way, I’m not implying that
BY NEIL BOULTON
Xchange is high-brow…
FILM EDITOR
Thursday 26th February 2004
BBC1 | Gods And Monsters | Ian McKellen plays the 1930s director James Whale,
12:30am – the man responsible for bringing Frankenstein to the silver screen. Dubbed
2:15am ‘The Father of Frankenstein”, the film is a biographical fantasy (sounds
bizarre) set during the director’s last days when he wasn’t raking it in at the
cinemas and was ostracised for being homosexual, the plot focussing largely
on the man’s relationship with his gardener Brendan Frasier. The film received
3 Oscar nominations, winning for best-adapted screenplay.
Friday 27th February 2004
Five | Tango & Cash | Turn brain off, turn TV on, turn to channel 5. Today Sylvester
9:00pm – Stallone (playing the classy one) and Kurt Russell (playing the meathead) are
11:00pm bickering cops who have both been framed by a nasty drugs baron. Two men
being macho, things blowing up. Could be fun, could be personally insulting.
Five | Automatic | With brain still toughly turned off from earlier, stay on channel 5.
12:55am – Sci-fi ahoy, cyborg bodyguards from a high-tech electronics corporation appear
2:20am to have developed a bit of a homicidal fault. To cover it up they’re killing
everything, and everyone who knows about it. Apparently it’s in the same kind
of mould had Die Hard, which could mean good things, I doubt it’s even in the
same league as my beloved Die Hard. Oooh, John Glover’s in it
BBC1 | The Masque Of The Red Death | I know it’s on late, but it’s a horror film
1:40am – with Vincent Price, and I know that’s not much of an excuse either. Anyway, a
3:05am Roger Corman directed Hammer horror (I think) adapted from an Edgar Allan
Poe story sees Mr. Price as a devil worshipper trying to stop the plague in 12th
centaury Italy. It also has Patrick Magee in it
Saturday 28th February 2004
Channel 4 | Apocalypse Now | Quality cinema! Most’ve probably heard about Francis
10:05pm – Ford Coppola’s really big Vietnam film. And this would appear to be the recent
12:55am ‘Redux’ version, adding 50 minutes to the running time with even more footage.
Playboy playmates in the jungle, surfing marines and Marlon Brandon as the big
Colonel Kurtz, whose rebel command Martin Sheen’s been sent to deal with. I
think this deserves a quote. “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning”
BBC2 | Funny Bones | Excellent comedy/drama film starring Oliver Platt & Lee
12:00am – Evans. Oliver Platt, sick of living in the shadow of his famous comedic dad
2:00am comes to England (Blackpool, by the way) in order to try and buy some
comedic material to take back to the states and pass off as his own. In his
search for talent he finds out about his own father’s thieving past and more.
Contains some great turns by Lee Evans executing his Norman-Wisdom-on-
drugs persona
ITV | Hostile Hostages | This would appear to be a very unfair Saturday, 3 films I’d
12:25am – like to watch in one night. Dennis Leary’s acerbic bile spitting sensibilities
2:00am are put into play in this dark comedy. Dennis Leary breaks into a house at
Christmas, taking the family hostage only to end up becoming caught up in all
the feuds and neuroses of Judy Davis & Kevin Spacey’s “couple from hell”
Sunday 29th February
Five | Starship Troopers | Paul Verhoven’s slightly satirical sci-fi action film is
9:00pm – always a laugh to watch. It’s the future! And a huge race of alien insects on a
11:20pm far off planet has just started attacking Earth. At first Johnny Rico just enlisted
in the army to chase his High school Sweetheart, but then the alien insects
end up blowing up his home city, he takes it personally. Special effects, blood,
insect innards and more!
BBC1 | Throw Momma From The Train | Both Danny DeVito and Billy Crystal have
11:25pm – someone they would dearly love dead; Billy his ex-wife who is making his life
12:50am miserable, Danny his domineering, nasty mother. What could be simpler than
exchanging murders to avoid any possible complicity. But it’s not going to be
that easy. This would appear to be a twist on Hitcock’s Strangers On a Train...
Monday 1st March 2004
Channel 4 | The Opposite of Sex | Dark yet oddball comedy about a white-trash teenager
11:00pm – who steals her gay half-brothers boyfriend so she can have an instant father for
12:55am the child she’s carrying. Simple. Christina Ricci is said white trash in this film
about lifestyles and contemporary sexual values. Also has Lisa Kudrow being
very un-phoebe in it. Rapier wit and rude humour abound.
Channel 4 | Living In Oblivion | Steve Buschemi & Catherine Keener’s names being at
12:55am – the top of this idependant film should be enough to get people who think they
2:25am know about movies to tune in. It’s a low budget independent film about low
budget independent filmmaking. Great characters and wit to the back teeth
pack the film with a fist full of movie buff in-jokes forced in for good measure.
Sounds like a treat.
Tuesday 2nd March 2004
BBC1 | Carry On Cleo | A Carry On film mocking Elizabeth Taylor’s film of ancient
11:25pm – Egypt (I think they stole some of the sets and all) and the days you always
1:00am seemed to have to do projects on in primary school. Puns and Innuendo
everywhere as the Carry On team get on with doing what they do best. Sid
James and Kenneth Williams set about stealing the show as Mark Antony and
Caesar respectively
Wednesday 3rd March 2004
BBC1 | Xchange | Oh Dear. Stephen Baldwin was watchable in the Usual Suspects
11:15pm – and Kyle MacLachlan watchable in Twin Peaks, but when put together in a
1:05am body swap sci-fi fiesta… Well, it’s not that bad. The action is pretty no existent,
but there’s lots of chasing. The main problem is the plot’s pretty bad really
and when you think about it, it makes little sense. When late for a meeting an
executive has his mind sent to another man’s body so he can attend, only a
terrorist ends up with his in exchange. My brain hurts.

WIN Big Fish PRIZES

You read the review of the film a few weeks back (Well you should have
read a few weeks back, if you didn’t, why didn’t you?) and now thanks to
those fanatical about film type, the Odeon we’ve got some Big Fish goody
bags to give away. Big Fish being Tim Burton’s latest film, sort of like The
Adventures of Baron Munchausen with a wonderful human touch. Go see
it. If you haven’t already. Anyway, all you need to do to receive this bag o’
delights (A Natty looking Big Fish T-shirt, an equally Natty cap, Free Tickets
and various other pieces of Cinema-related gubbins) is answer this easy
question.
Which film did Big Fish director Tim Burton remake back in 2001?
See – easy as pie. Now you know the answer, and no one else does, all
you need to do is send it with your name, date of birth and address to
barefacts@ussu.co.uk by Tuesday 2nd March at midday.
 Whats On
Friday 27th - 5th March
http://www.open.gov.uk/

FastFlirt© Tickets Results Night, featuring Main Union 9pm-2am

Available from the Shop
Probably Robbie £3 before 10:30pm
£5 afterwards

Fri live on stage

Guests £5 in advance

Sat
Football
12pm Leeds V Liverpool
Sun 2pm Bolton V M’boro Phone Booth

International Film Day

Mon Main Union all day - See feature ad for details

Comedy International
Exhibition
Tue
Tue Helyn Rose Bar 8pm Main Union 7:30pm
With Leroy Wilson
Citrus Requests, Shouts Main Union 9-2am

Wed what you want

Dedications £2 before 10:30
£4 after HRB
hancellors Challenge
Thu Its the quiz of the week.
Chancellors 8pm

Gala Night
Flirt!
FastFlirt© Tickets Main Union 9pm-2am
Available from the Shop £2 before 10:30pm
Main Hall
Fri
£4 afterwards
Guests £5 in advance
7:30pm
12
Literature:
One day Mr. Vonnegut the hardcore pacifist
decided to write the definitive World War
Two novel. He wanted to portray the truth;
the unfettered, gritty reality behind the
jingoistic delusions and patriotic fantasies
enjoyed alike by the veterans and those
who had never seen a battlefield. He’d
seen war; and he needed to write about
war, before the experience became diluted
by rationalization, and Kellogg’s Grape
Nuts and other elements of suburban life.
So he wrote about being abducted by little
green aliens from the planet Tralfamadore,
who resemble animated toilet plungers
and experience all moments of time
simultaneously. What a guy.
Vonnegut has often been called a science
fiction author; this is probably the most
conservative of his works, dealing largely
as it does with the very concrete reality of
World War Two. It reads in part like such
a story; the hardships and lunacies of war
are not skimped on. The man executed for
stealing a teapot springs to mind. Central
to the chronological narrative is one of
history’s oft-forgotten atrocities - the
total destruction of Dresden by Allied
bombers in February 1945. Vonnegut
himself escaped being toasted like the
city’s 130,000 inhabitants by waiting out
the firestorm in a disused slaughterhouse
(hence the title) along with some of his
fellow prisoners of war. And the same thing
happens to the novel’s protagonist, Billy
Pilgrim.
Slaughterhouse Five
is one of those richly
complicated books
that can’t have a single
theme or idea pinned
onto it.
Billy Pilgrim is out of place. He is a
scrawny, dozy chap with no business
anywhere near a war zone. He nearly kills
himself and his comrades numerous times
whilst wandering behind the German lines
during the Battle of the Bulge, before
kindly getting them all taken prisoner.
Billy’s bumbling is often a handy device
which provides a window into the minds of
the other characters; they do all tend to end
up wishing he was dead, but the variegated
LITERATURE 26 February 2004
Arvind Virdee takes a look at Kurt Vonnegut’s
‘Difinitive World War Two novel’ and likes what
he sees...
Slaughterhouse Five
nuance and vehemence of their homicidal complicated books that can’t have a single angry. But this acceptance has it problems.
urges are like a veritable Rorschach test. theme or idea pinned onto it. I suppose an When Billy drives through a black ghetto
However Billy himself seems to barely important one is memory. Both Billy and and ignores the suffering he sees there, we
have a mind to peer into; he is simply Vonnegut’s memories of Dresden were so see the problem with complete acceptance.
passive and accepts all the terrible things traumatic that they cannot move beyond Vonnegut values the forgiveness and peace
that happen to him, to the great annoyance them. It’s mentioned throughout the book that come with acceptance, but his novel
of those who are trying to help him. He quite independently of any flashbacks or could not be an “anti-war book” if it called
has a good reason for joining the Grin- “time shifts”. You never do figure out on readers to completely accept their world.
And-Bear-It brigade, mind. In 1969 the anyway if the Tralfamadorians are real In the end, Slaughterhouse Five is one
Tralfamadorians abduct him, and they tell or figments of Billy’s imagination, so of those rare gems that manage to take
him to. they could be just a manifestation of the bloodily, sordidly real events (fun in POW
Yes...he does stuff in 1945 because of inability to move on. And acceptance - one camps) and combine them with esoterically
stuff that happens in 1969. Billy in his own of the book’s most famous lines is “So it odd flights of the imagination (living in
words is “unstuck in time” because of his goes,” repeated whenever a character dies. alien zoo) and yet still make some kind of
visit to Tralfamadore. The beings of that Billy Pilgrim seems to embody this idea. sense. As such, it earns the stamp of “Pretty
planet, as I mentioned before, experience It makes him able to forgive anyone for Cool” from me; surely there is no higher
all moments at once. For example the night anything, and he never seems to become accolade.
sky to them resembles glowing strings of
spaghetti, because they see where every
star has already been and everywhere it’s
going to go. They know exactly how the
universe began, and how it will end (they
end up destroying it). The problem of free
will in all of this is neatly sidestepped by
a quote from a Tralfamadorian pilot. “I’ve
visited over two dozen inhabited worlds,
and I’d never heard of any such concept
as “free will” before I came to Earth.”
And relevantly, their novels seem beautiful
yet unintelligible to Billy because they
have nothing like a linear plotline; all the
words are meant to be read at once, coming
together to form a harmonious whole.
Slaughterhouse Five comes about as close
as a book written by an Earthling can to this
ideal.
Billy’s perception of time - and thus the
plotline - leaps about all over the place. He
might fall asleep and wake up twenty years
earlier; for example he has the good fortune
to survive a plane crash in 1967 seemingly
because he segued back to Dresden, 1945,
for a few moments during which the plane
was hitting a mountainside in Vermont. As
a result Billy knows exactly what’s going to
happen to him at all moments, which kinda
inclines one to fatalism. Billy’s time leaps
allow all the different sections of his story
to be told at once, so once you’ve gone
through the second chapter you’ll know
that he makes it home safe from World War
II, that he becomes an optometrist, that he
marries for money and his wife ends up
dying. But none of this seems to detract
from the book, because you’ll still be
curious as the details and as each individual
story unfolds you’ll be uncovering details
and strands that do nothing but enhance the
experience.
Slaughterhouse Five is one of those richly
26 February 2004
surreytheatre
G u i l d f o r d
Straying from the boundaries of Guildford and Woking, theatre editor Daisy Clay headed to Hammersmith to see Age-Sex-Location, a hilarious
portrayal of when real life meets virtual reality
RoseThorn is a wheel-chair bound
dominatrix... Jack once starred in a
1980s American TV show... Dave is a
programmer... Gus lives on an abandoned
oil rig... Rachel can’t stop crying...
MiniMouse loves Dave and Trevor is
struggling to accept the size of his penis...
But who are they on the internet?
Upon entering the auditorium, where
there no actual ‘stage’, rather there was
an acting space in front of the seating,
the audience were faced with five empty
chairs spread out across the floor. Knowing
that this was a play about chat rooms, it
was clear that these chairs were where
each character would sit in front of their
computers. Besides the empty chairs, there
was little else in terms of set, besides a
small desk in front of the central chair. The
inner drama student in me immediately
realised that all this open space must
be there for a reason – a metaphor for
cyberspace according to the programme.
The cast then enter, each moving to sit
in their chair, and then one character is
brought on in a wheelchair. During the
first act, the characters take it in turns
to interact, and spotlights on one or two
characters at a time show the audience
where to look. There is one thing that links
all these characters together – the internet
based world of freetopia.com, which begins
as a chat room but soon evolves into much,
much more. Freetopia was created by Dave
(Ed Stoppard), who we assume from his
clothing – ragged grey tracksuit bottoms,
a t-shirt and dressing grown – rarely, if
ever, ventures out of his flat. RoseThorn
(Katherine Jakeways) is wheelchair bound,
THEATRE 13
& W o k i n g
seeking it. His advice to Trevor, so that he version of their child so they can make
can understand women, is to dress as one all their mistakes when it doesn’t matter.
– advice which Trevor follows. Unfortunately for the audience however,
paralysed from the neck down and initially
The character of Rachel is largely this meant the addition of two small
only able to communicate in the freetopia
undeveloped in the first act, being ‘the children to the cast. The first, a girl of
chat rooms by blowing into a microphone
one who can’t stop crying’ and we don’t around 7 years old, acted very little with
in patterns to form words. Then with Dave’s
know why. Putting herself on web-cam for only small hand gestures to accompany her
creation of a voice recognition programme,
all the freetopia community to see many voice that was spoken by Gus, speaking
Rose is able to speak and unleash her pent-
theories are formed as to why she cries. only a few lines for herself. Nevertheless, I
up sexually explicit passion. MinnieMouse
The storyline for this character became found I could cope with this lack of acting.
(Amber Agar) is American, with an accent
interesting when she seeks the help of It was the second child, a boy of about 10
that is quick to become irritating. However,
God, through the medium of the internet, years old, who gave wild over-exaggerated
her character worked well as the person
at VoiceOfGod.org! True to form, however, body and facial gestures, as he leapt about
who feels at ease when online but when
we were soon met with the error message the stage with StreetMonk, so much so
describing her real-life persona, Melissa,
that “Voice of God dot org has crashed”. that at times I couldn’t bear to look. I think
we almost imagine an entirely different
The final character is that of Gus, who perhaps this was an intended feature of
socially incapable and easily embarrassed
lives on an abandoned oil rig, which the play – either that, or someone couldn’t
person. Feeling so comfortable in freetopia,
becomes host to the expanding freetopia. bring themselves to have a word with the
she falls in love with Dave, but thankfully
Gus represents the scary and unknown side child about his “acting”.
not in the clichéd cyberspace way. This
of the internet, where people can pretend to Overall, this play was thoroughly
then highlights Dave’s reluctance at
be someone else – whereby he pretends to refreshing and enjoyable. As with any
expressing his emotions, which he hides
be a lesbian woman to form a relationship good play, there was a contrasting mixture
between a mask of technical language
with Trevor (who is also pretending to be a of emotion, with moments of almost
and freetopia terminology. For comical
woman by this point). unbearable grief and moments of absolute
relief, of which A-S-L contains a great deal,
The second act to A-S-L was almost side-splitting hilarity. This play is showing
Trevor (Ewen MacIntosh, a.k.a. Keith from
like an entirely different play, although at the Riverside Studios in Hammersmith
The Office) is honest and vulnerable, and
the two halves came together nicely at until 28th February, with tickets priced at
has a complex about the size of his penis –
the end. Exploring the many possibilities only £10. Hammersmith is easily reached
and it is not an over-abundance of manhood
of the internet, freetopia becomes host to by train and tube, and for more information
that is the problem. Trevor’s wife has just
many new sites, including CharlottesWeb, visit www.aslplay.com.
left him after having numerous affairs
where parents can create a simulated
which she openly informed him of, and he
turns to freetopia to find companionship.
Perhaps, becoming the willing cyber- Showing from Monday 1 - Saturday 6 Ma
slave to dominatrix Rose was not quite the rch at the New Victoria Theatre, Woking;
companionship he had in mind. The West End’s celebration of Britain’s
As freetopia expands, it becomes host to greatest comedy double act Morecambe
the website of StreetMonk, an 80s TV show and Wise. ‘The audiences wept with
(something akin to The Avengers). McGill, laughter’ (The Observer), ‘You leave the
the former star of StreetMonk and a now theatre floating on a cloud of happiness’
somewhat unconventional Buddist runs the (Daily Telegraph), ‘A tear-inducingly
website, offering spiritual advice to anyone funny show’ (The Guardian). Tickets start
at just £10.
Following sell-out triumphant runs in
London’s West End, The Play What I Wrote
returns to Woking. Kenneth Brannagh
directed this multi award-winning piece.
You see, Ben has written a play, an epic
set in the French Revolution called ‘A Tight
Squeeze for the Scarlet Pimple’. Joe, on the
other hand, wants them to continue with
their double act. He believes that if they
perform a tribute to Morecambe and Wise,
Ben’s confidence will be restored and the
double act will go on.
The Play What I Wrote opened in London,
where every single review was a rave,
every show a sell-out and where it won
every major theatre award.
14 MUSIC 26 February 2004

le s
g
LEMAR
ANOTHER DAY

in
Sony
JAMELIA

s
BLONDE
REDHEAD
ELEPHANT WOMAN
4AD
Blonde Redhead are an
American three piece purveying
in shimmer-y jangle-y
orchestration with vocals which
sound a bit like Dido, the sort
of thing that screams coffee
table classic at loud volume.
The highly inoffensive sounds
drift easily into the background
and I forgot what the song was
like right after hearing it. The
title track sounds like the theme
song to a TV show I also can’t
remember. Technically proficient
but strangely ignorable. n.b.
THANK YOU
Infected
After the massive success of
her comeback single ‘Superstar’,
it was always going to be difficult
to decide which type of track to
release – another dance floor filler
or a smulchy ballad? Well she’s
gone for the latter, although the
subject matter is different to the
usual Valentines-day type, with
Jamelia tackling the problem of
domestic violence. This aside,
the track is not awful, although
perhaps not to my taste. If you
like her other songs, there’s a
good chance this will float
your boat too, and the
cd came with a nice
photograph of
her some I’m
happy! m.f
Rising urban music star Lemar
releases his new single Another
Day through Sony Records.
Having recently won an award at
the
Brits
things
just keep
getting better
for Lemar, and
50 CENT ZERO 7
this single looks set to
IF I CAN’T Home
receive much airplay and
Shady Records Ultimate Dilemma
will more than likely do very
well. The song itself is a ballad
More of the same catchy music Predictable though it may seem,
about him having done something
from pop’s most lovable gangsta. Zero 7’s delicate instrumentation
wrong and trying to get his girl
Rolling pianos provided courtesy and plinky synths cannot fail to
back, which is hardly uncommon
of Dr. Dre lace 50’s lazy vocals, evoke the sweeping soundscapes
place but why change something
and off key singing on the chorus. of Air – and with interest in the
that works? p.w.
I’m bored already, but then again, latter rekindled by the release
I was bored at ‘In Da Club’. If you of their warmly received Walkie
like buying in to the image, then Talkie album, Z7 have a ready-
pick this up, you suckers. c.d. made audience for their own
distinctly earth-bound safari.
Tina Dico’s soothing yet forward
ALOUD vocals and the intense brass
BOB O’LEAN arrangements in Home’s climax
Open lend it an endearingly organic
flavour, but also make for a
Hailing from across the Channel (explaining the inexplicable title), less involving and evolving
Cyril Bodin and Greg Louis have captured the attention of Pete Tong, proposition than their Gallic
Seb Fontaine and even Norman Cook with Bob O’Lean. So what’s counterparts’ most finely crafted
so special about their self-styled ‘Parisian phunk’? Not much, as far moments. j.d.
as my untrained ears can discern – the funk is definitely there, but the
individuality isn’t. At least the remixes fare slightly better, with Armand
Van Helden’s beat-laden reinterpretation recognising its strong disco JTWR
leanings and Serge Santiago’s reverberating staccato dub proving the PUT YOUR HANDS UP
antithesis of the original’s heavily produced smoothness. j.d. Drop Out Club

JTWR are a rap cartel with a

ARCHIE BRONSON OUTFIT
KANGAROO HEART
Domino
For a band with such a
cool name, I was expecting
great things for this single.
Unfortunately the tune fails to
live up to the bands moniker,
although its not really bad.
Drawing on influences, such as
‘Sonic Youth’, A.B.O’ at least
have their hearts in the right
place, however they are unable
to pull of their grand idea to the
full effect. There’s not much
I can say that is bad about this
high tempo fusion of rock and
folk (yes – folk!), however
there’s also not too much to get
the pulse rate going either. m.f
WHIRLWIND HEAT
PINK
XL Recordings
The Michigan 3-piece release their
new single Pink, which is a new
version of a song that is on the
album and popular live. Recorded
on tour in New Zealand this song
appears to be some amalgamation
of indie rock and punk attitude,
resulting in an interesting
song. The one issue is that
it does just sound like
the band messing
about during
rehearsals.
p.w.
NORAH JONES
Sunrise
Blue Note
When Come Away With Me
became such a huge success it
proved that the music world had
room, and a large stage, for artists
who are more than marketing,
great hair and shock tactics. Here
Miss Jones proves it again with
a beautiful song, showing off her
sultry voice and jazz style piano
playing. This is a summer’s day
with rolling clouds and that slight
breeze, the kind of day that makes
summer special. d.m.
THE MARS VOLTA kind of rock-pop DJ sound, sort
TELEVATORS of like the Streets meets the
Universal Island Neptunes only heavier and far
more juvenile. The immaturity
also stretches to the lyrics, ‘Put
This band may be know for
Your Hands Up’ doesn’t sound
their aggressive and very
powerful sound that mixes heavy too socially conscious, although
there are numerous mentions
psychedelic punk, acid jazz
of them being the ‘youth of the
infused rock with unmistakable
nation’ with some profanity
screaming vocals. However don’t
added in for effect. The B-side’s
expect that kind of immensity
more likeable, ‘Pop Idle’ with
from this track. This is about well
it’s obvious yet humorous
thought out guitars and haunting
agenda of mockery.
echo’s brought into perspective
n.b.
by the sad and expressive singer.
There may be less insanity heard
here but certainly no less passion.
d.m.

t h ese p ages we r e b ro ug ht to yo u by: p ete r w ig f ie l d , n e i l

bo u lto n, m at t f is h e r, d i n a my s t ris, j o n a l l e n, s tu a rt b ad co c k
a n d m at t b ad co c k w i t h des ig n by ic k l e sa r ah
 s
26 February 2004 MUSIC 15

u m Reviewer Profile
lb
Each week, we will be running a
JASON
feature where our reviewers will

a
SPARKS
HERO AND VILLAINS
Botchet&Scarper
The breakbeat scene has
LASTDAYSOFAPRIL
forged a truly progressive artist
If You Loose It
album courtesy of Jason Sparks
Bad Taste Records
immaculate Hero and Villains LP.
This is not a collection of floor fillers but
Swedish garage rockers, Last
rather a journey of intelligent sound scapes.
Days of April offer a timeless
He’s pushing his own, taking on the breakbeat
mix of laidback guitar rock and
sound and with truly affective results. In places
catchy melodies welcoming
its breathtaking as Don’t I Feel illustrates featuring
spring. Not really finding their
vocals by Pauline Taylor over funky drums. Single release
stride, If You Loose It soft rock
with Rachel Modist “secret place” highlights the splendour of
vibe is nothing unique, but with
sounds Sparks creates as a highlight of Hero and Villains. The
its innocent charm just about pulls
tracks flow into each other nicely which is a treat in comparison to
it off no better illustrated than in
Break Beat predecessors. Sparks keeps reminding you that this is a
the quaint Been Here All Time.
break Beat album after all with
Led by lush guitar melodies Tears
nasty bass lines, crisp chunky beats as on the well crafted hero’s while
On Hold culminates in a strong
Feeling Invincible just builds and builds with twisted bass sounds. So
mix of blurred vocals and sweetly
if your CD collection is calling for something new to fit in between
delivered lyrics. The Last Days Of
your Moby, Chemical brothers and Orbital do yourself a favour buy
April can attract loose comparisons
hero’s and villains now. s.b.
to a Scandinavian Grandaddy, but
more downbeat. Forth album If
You Lose It is typically inoffensive
but never gets going, much
promise but never really delivers.
m.b.
ILL EASE
The Exorcist
Too Pure
tell all about their musical tastes.
This week, Jon Allen kicks us
off with his selections.
Five albums I can’t live
without
Mew – Frengers
Great heavy pop-guitar hooks
and thunderous drumming
supporting awesome falsetto
called, but it’s got Heaven is a
vocals
Half Pipe on it. No, please don’t
British Sea Power – The Decline
ask.
of…
Unique nature-loving quirky
Who I would send away to live
garage-rock
on a deserted island, never to
Turin Brakes – The Optimist LP
be heard of again
Beautifully simplistic folk-based
Kelly Osbourne
guitar creations
Brendan Benson – Lapalco
First gig I went to
Singer/songwriter with an ability
Rachel Stamp @ Tunbridge
to produce outrageously happy
Wells Forum
guitar pop
Feeder – Polythene
Best gig I have ever been to
Grungier debut album, but
Radiohead @ Earls Court
still shows their great ear for a
melody
My tip for 2004
Eastern Lane – Spiky, Pixies-
Last album I bought
esque agit-rock
The Von Bondies – Pawn Shoppe
Heart
‘Rock star’ I would most like
to be
Album that I should have
Didz Hammond – The Cooper
thrown out, but haven’t
Temple Clause’s bassist
OPM – Can’t remember what it’s

The Exorcist defies preconceptions;

looking at the title you could
easily believe it was something far
more dark and gothic. The truth
is different of course, the sound
is sort of like P.J. Harvey doing
that lo-fi fuzzy light rock thing
that’s all the rage at the moment.
VARIOUS ARTISTS For Ill Ease is the work of one
Decade: Ten Years Of Fierce Panda woman multi-instrumentalist
Fierce Panda Elizabeth Sharp, who bored with
drumming for various indie-types
A celebratory compilation charts ten years of one of the most in the 90s decided she’d rather do
groundbreaking record labels in the UK, Fierce Panda boasting early it all herself. Commendably she
releases from some of counties hottest bands. In chronological order plays all the instruments (Guitar /
the compilation takes in twenty tracks from Ash’s 1994 super rare Bass / Drums / Keyboard, dispel
Punkboy to new kids on the block Keane with 2003’s truly fantastic the in-head images of the one-
This Is The Last Time showing their exceptional talent prompting man-band) on the album creating
their move to Island/Interscope records. Offering a chance for up alight easy-going summery sound -
and coming bands to release to the main stream Fierce Panda have American highway kinda music
been the platform that has seen more than one career rocket into – Melodic without being
the public domain. Two of the fastest selling records in the labels wishy-washy about it. Not
history came from the Music’s brooding Take The Long Road And really my kind of thing,
Walk It and Embrace’s All You Good Good People offering a unique but those interested
chance to hear the original before their smooth, up marked studio re- could take a peek at
releases providing a charming display at their rawest. The undoubted www.illease.com.
highlight has a story of its own, just hours away from signing n.b.
Coldplay before heavyweights, Polydor stepped in, Fierce Panda
can only think of what could have been but can still boast releasing
Coldplay’s debut single the excellent and ultra rare Brothers&Sisters.
This fantastic compilation reflects a label, a decade, celebrating the
wonderful talent that has passed through the doors offering a treasure
trove for any hard core music fan. m.b.
16 INTERACTIVE 26 February 2004

A-MAZE-ING
We’ve all played the get out of the maze game, so I’m sure you know the score. Start in the
middle, and find your way out, or vice versa if you feel so inclined! There are only three
bfpub quiz
Who recorded the following albums:
bareafcts left until Easter, so get your ideas for the Interactive Page in to Ben Berryman at
barefacts@ussu.co.uk.
1 Revolver/Rubber Soul/Abbey Road
Revolver/Rubber

By Ben Berryman
2 Insecticide/In Utero/Nevermind

3 Pet Sounds/Smiley Smile/Sunflower

4
Automatic For The People/Out Of Time/New Adventures In Hi-Fi

5 The Dark Side Of The Moon/Wish You Were Here/The Wall

6 The Joshua Tree/Achtung Baby/The Unforgettable Fire

The

7 Rumours/Mirror/Behind The Mask

8 What’s Going On/Here, My Dear/Let’s Get It On

9
Experience/Music For The Jilted Generation/The Fat Of The Land

10 A Night At The Opera/Made In Heaven/News Of The World

Answers are at the bottom of the page opposite - no cheating!

Got any ideas for the Interactive Page of barefacts? Well, get them
in to barefacts@ussu.co.uk as soon as humanly possible, and we
will endeavour to turn your dreams into reality.

b a r e f a c t s @ u s s u . c o . u k

Word Search Ben’s Riddle James Bond Quiz

In this special week where you decide the people who will
be responsible for representing you in the Students’ Union
for the next year, Ben Berryman brings you an elections Corner
Revisited A big sorry to the hoards of people calling for my head
special wordsearch. We’ve made it easy for you this time as after the James Bond answers were incorrectly entered last
the words you are looking for are under the grid itself! week, here are the correct ones:

E M S C W E S P L N I am strongest when you see me as round,

1. “I thought Christmas only came once a year” – The
D M E O E L T V E O but I am often viewed in other forms. World is Not Enough
U B I M L E N O C I I lift & drop the sea with my tremendous
2. “I’m now aiming precisely at your groin. So speak now
or forever hold your peace” – The Man with the Golden
C E T M F C E T T T strength, and a man with a name like Gun
A T E U A T D E U A ‘powerful bicep’ was the first to tread on me. 3. “This never happened to the other fellow” – On her
T A I N R I I M R T Majesty’s Secret Service
I U C I E O S Z E N What am I? 4. “They’ll print any thing these days” – Tomorrow Never
O D O C R N E A T E Dies

N A S A U S R F H S 5. “James Bond, stiff assed Brit” – Goldeneye

I am slim and tall,
U R N T T T P F E E Many find me desirable and appealing.
6. “Well there isn’t a 70 year old around when you need
one” – Moonraker
S G J I L R N A A R They touch me and I give a false good 7. “Are you looking for shells?” “No, I’m just looking”
S T G O U O A I T P feeling. – Dr No
U S K N C P K R R E 8. “We have an old saying too Georgi and you’re full of it”
O O Y S H S V S E R Once I shine in splendor, – The Living Daylights
Z P Y R A R B I L B But only once and then no more. 9. “Do you expect me to talk?” – Goldfinger
For many I am “to die for”.
10. “Him? He still thinks I’m a virgin” “Yes, well, you get
words: Communications, Education, Welfare, Elections,
your clothes on and I’ll buy you an ice cream” – For Your
Lecture Theatre, Library, Postgraduate, Affairs, President, What am I? Eyes Only
Representation, Societies, Culture, Sports, Ussu, Vote
26 February 2004 LIFESTYLE 17

Sabbatical Officers Ickle Sarah and Funkyberry give a random slice of life from
their humble dwellings within Surrey Court Wey, Battersea Court Tate, and the
University of Surrey Students’ Union...
GU2, IN CASE you hadn’t noticed (which, to
be honest, you probably have!) is now into
its second fantastic week of broadcasting on
FM (107.3FM to be precise). In my opinion,
one of the jewels in its crown, so to speak,
is the absolutely amazing ‘Sketch Show’,
broadcast on Tuesdays at around 4pm on
Jay and Petchy’s ‘drivetime’ show.
LAST week, on the day of its first ever
broadcast, I was sitting in my office,
toddling through barefacts whilst talking
to fellow sabbaticals Claire and Chris, and
suddenly I heard the words “ickle sarah
vice president communications” coming
out of my computer speakers (listening on
www.gu2.co.uk - amazing)! This in itself
wasn’t too unusual, as every so often I get
a shout out or dedication - normally when
something by Delta Goodrem comes on,
as her album is my ‘CD of the moment’
in the Media Centre. But the ickle sarah
mention was swiftly followed by something
containing the word “chris”, and our ears
began to prick up.
AND slowly it became to apparent to us
that we were being (rather impressively)
imitated on the radio, in what became
apparent was a comedy sketch called ‘The
Sabbaticals’. Now, this is no half hearted
attempt at a few in-jokes or digs at the Union
- it’s absolutely genius. I am convinced that
the writers/actors must have been stalking us
for months, because their impressions of the
majority of the sabb team were absolutely
spot on! From Chris’ fake high voiced “He’s
not here!” when people asked for ‘Deputy
Returning Officer Scott Farmer’ (everyone
seemed to have their positions tagged onto
their names every time they were mentioned
in the show) to Chops’ “yup” or “right” to
everything, it was all absolutely perfect.
THE story was also pure comedy - take five
sabbatical officers, put them in the broken
library lift, and wait for the consequences.
The consequences were, in fact, a lot of very
MY DAYS ARE so busy that it hardly seems
like a few hours have passed when I get the
call from Sarah saying “Have you done RC
yet? The paper is almost ready to send!”.
But this week I am making a real effort to
get Rawson’s Creek written earlier than
usual, and have so far yet to receive any call
or email.
I’M not that into fashion, but I do have to
say that girls wearing “slouch boots” and
denim skirts look so cool! I used to go to
jazz gigs, theatre and concerts in London,
and there would be these really quite posh
girls there wearing ugg/slouch boots, and
the denim skirts… and although they looked
very cool, I just didn’t see them that often.
However, over the last few months every
girl it seems in Guildford is wearing them!
So rather than telling each person I see that I
think they look cool, I’ll kill a flock of birds
with one grenade, and tell them all how cool
they all look here! I just have to find one of
them to go out with before it goes out of
fashion!
I quite like doing random things, and on
Sunday night I was able to try something
random that would drive most people
crazy – although the effect was somewhat
different. To start with I loaded up www.bad
gerbadgerbadger.com and played this very
loud over the stereo in my office (for those
without the Internet, imagine an animated
group of badgers jumping up and down,
with a dancy beat and a deep male voice just
saying badger badger badger bager over
and over and over again) . After about 35
minutes of this I was getting the feeling that
I needed something else.
AT this point I then loaded
www.seizurerobots.com in a webpage over
the top of badgerbadgerbadger.com. Now
seizure robots also has a rather annoying
tune, but this time the animation is a the
image of robots being flipped back and
forth, with a flashing background using
This week I am mostly … learning that the meaning of life can be
found in an arrangement of colourful shapes, an excursion to the
countryside, or even an alcoholic beverage or twelve!
From time to time, my dad and I get together for a bit of father-
daughter bonding. We take turns to choose the activity, and unless
there’s considerable resistance from the other party the decision is
made. Over the past few years, we’ve acquainted ourselves with
Art Deco, marvelled at Matisse, pondered Picasso and gawped at
Goya. Making sense of some of the Tate Modern offerings proved troublesome, though the
fact that we once managed to interpret three air-conditioning vents embedded in the floor
on the basis of a framed description that actually applied to the monolithic bronze structure
behind us, is proof enough that modern art is, and always will be, what you make of it.
Which in my case, as a Fruitcake with an overactive imagination [unwittingly encouraged
early on in life by my mother who used to set me the task of writing stories using words
as disconnected as “shingles”, “foliage” and “millipede” in a desperate attempt to keep me
quiet], means the possibilities for artistic analysis are endless. I have to admit I struggled
rather with a sequence of photos depicting the subject’s genitalia replaced with chicken
carcasses but give me a blue canvas with a single yellow stripe and I could puzzle over it
for hours. And probably still be none the wiser.
Some of our day-tripping adventures have been more culturally-enriching than others,
but that’s a risk we’re willing to take. I mean, let’s be honest, leaving the South London
ghetto we call home is an exciting enough prospect… anything we might learn from the
experience is just an added bonus. In fact the tradition started with a visit to a wine-tasting
museum near London Bridge - I can’t recommend it highly enough [unless you’re teetotal
I guess]. A reasonable entry fee secures you half a dozen glasses of wine - or in our case a
dozen since we developed a sneaky method of sharing our tokens – and of course there’s
also a lot of detailed information on different grape-growing regions and methods of
production. Quite frankly though, if you’re not going to remember the actual events of
the day in any case, is there any point pretending to absorb these superfluous details as
well? Much better speed round the tasting stations and get testing your newly-acquired
knowledge in the trendy wine bar strategically situated next-door I say. Not that I want to
encourage such reckless behaviour by any means, so consider this tactic accompanied by
a mild health warning – fellow commuters won’t necessary respond well to you snoring
and drooling on the train home at three in the afternoon, mildly sweating Chardonnay from
every pore, lips stained black by a 1985 Chianti. Or so I imagine.
It’s my dad’s turn to choose next time but I’m kind of in a pickle. See, having put my foot
down and refused to spend a day admiring a collection of postcards picturing Butlins from
1960 to the present day, I now have remarkably less ground to stand on when it comes
to demonstrating my reluctance to cycle 38 miles between Shalford and Shoreham. I’m
holding out for another global-warming-induced freak snowstorm, or maybe even a well-
researched study proving that bike rides between places whose names begin with the same
letter of the alphabet can be linked with quicker mental deterioration in old age. In the
meantime though, excuses on a postcard please.
Catherine Lee

Lyrics Quiz
funny references to motions, vice-deputy bright oranges, yellows, greens, etc.
returning officers, lobbying the library with MOST people can only deal with a few
exec in a Union minibus... all on the “Quest minutes of badgerbadgerbadger without
to stop the rising tuition fees” (said, of wanting to throw the computer out the
course, in Chris’ obligatory ‘high voice’). nearest air-lock, but after 3 hours of non-
QUITE simply, the Sketch Show was the stop brain trashing with these two sites on
funniest thing I have ever heard on GU2... my screen I was actually on a total high This week’s lyrics quiz is brought to you courtesy of interactive wiz Ben Berryman - same
and probably the whole of radio, so a – singing along at the top of my voice, and as usual: figure out the name of the band and artist who said the following lines...
huge thankyou and well done to everyone bouncing around my office! Sadly that night
- it’d been a tough week, and you made I didn’t dream about badgers, and instead 1. “This is torture - this is pain - it feels like I’m gonna go insane”
me wander around the Union with an inane dreamt about sailing across the Atlantic 2. “Now what’s cooler than bein’ cool?”
grin on my face for at least a few hours! No in a 25ft yacht… but that’s another story
change there then....! completely! 3. “Since your dad walked out, your mom could use a guy like me”
‘ickle sarah butterworth chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter 4. “Your mother warned you there’d be days like these”
6.Around the garden, 7.Little Miss muffet, 8.Baa Baa Blacksheep, 9.Old Mother Hubbard, 10.I’m the king of the castle 5. “Gee wheeze baby please, let me take you to an island of the sweet cool breeze”
6. “He’s got a daughter he calls Easter, she was born on a Tuesday night”
8.Dogs, 9.Gum, 10.Wagons | 1.Cock Robin, 2.Georgie Porgie, 3.Ding dong bell, 4.The Wheels on the bus, 5.Pat a cake,
1.Fourteen, 2.Dum-Dum, 3.Kookaburra, 4.Take a drink of alcohol, 5.Harrold Bishop, 6.Lloyds TSB, 7.Mozzart,
Never Dies | Jumbled quiz: The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with | Pub Quiz:
5.The Living Daylights, 6.Dr No, 7.Goldeneye, 8.For Your Eyes Only, 9.The Man with the Golden Gun, 10.Tomorrow
7. “Oh Deborah, do you recall? Your house was very small”
the race. | Quote quiz: 1.On her Majesty’s Secret Service, 2.Goldfinger, 3.Moonraker, 4.The World is Not Enough, 8. “So they came into the outway, it was Sunday - what a black day”
final ten meters will belong to the faster of the two. Since Mick is faster than John, he will win the final 10 meters and
started ten meters back. By the time John reaches the 90 meter mark, Mick will have caught up to him. Therefore, the 9. “We’ll start over again, grow ourselves new skin.”
was assumed to be the blue one. So the mean king had to set him free. | John will lose again. In the second race, Mick
picked up the other marble and showed everyone. The marble was black, and since the other marble was swallowed, it 10. “And when we hear the voices sing, the book of love will open up and let us in”
Riddles: The prisoner grabbed one of the marbles from the jar and concealed it in his hand. He then swallowed it, and
18
the
silly
Stars
by Psychic Sandy
Libra
Boring, boring,
boring…life’s been a
tad – yes you guessed it
– boring this week. Take
up a new hobby. I gather
paragliding is a popular one. Or perhaps
a spot of riding? Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake
bakers man…etc. Get rid of the scissors.
Scorpio
Howdy! Well, the honte
of Friday night’s in your
world! Misbehavin’ isn’t
the word! Alcoholic
doesn’t even begin
to describe it! Sit on the roof this week,
especially if you live in Slag Hill… It may
be cold, but it’s cool. As will you be....
Sagittarius
There’s only a few
weeks to go, so make
the most of it! Pancake
day was lots of fun
– perhaps a new theme
is in order to liven things up a bit? You’ve
had your eye on that special someone for
a while now, and its about time you made
your move.
Capricorn
Those random
encounters with the
milkman have got to
stop! You’re beginning
to acquire yourself a
delightful reputation. Stop wearing out
your welcome and start going to school.
You will discover the greatness that is the
take-away this week. Fortunate, what with
the fact that you’re a terrible cook.
Aquarius
Late-night taxi rides and
an interesting inability
to recall exactly what
it was you told the
bouncer will hold you in
good stead this week… On a serious note,
get your head down soon and the resulting
rewards will multiply tenfold.
Pisces
Pro-activity is what it’s
all about for you this
week! So bring on the
new, and scarily loud
Piscean… A full-on
beard is just what you need to get noticed
this week – particularly if you happen to be
a laydee. Dye it pink if you really want to
ensure that people still know you’re a girl.
Apologies to those of you who realised Psychic Sandy appeared to be in a bit of
a psychic rut last week - put the words ‘barefacts’ ‘media centre’ ‘computer’ and
‘crash’ in the same sentence and it goes some way towards explianing it - sorry!
LIFESTYLE
barefacts@ussu.co.uk and as if by magic they’ll appear in the next issue of
bareafcts. If you#re sending in more than one, pop them in the same email,
Aries
This weekend, you’ll
find another one who’s
just dying to get into
your favour, so take full
advantage and you may
find yourself with a new sugar daddy…
watch out for your curtains by the way
– don’t tell me, you’re the only one who
didn’t know they’re transparent.
Taurus
You’ve found yourself
lacking in inspiration
lately, but it should all
come together in the
next few days. Watch a
bit of Bargain Hunt and you’ll realise that
things are never as shoddy as they seem.
Gemini
I think its time you
chilled a bit on the
vodka front…its
not been doing you
any favours lately –
particularly last Wednesday night. All good
though, ‘cos you made up for it on Friday!
Speaking of which, this Friday, it looks like
things could take an interesting turn...
Cancer
A weekend away
beckons in the near
future, so make the most
of it. However, you may
find you miss out on
some fun, so make up for it when you get
back… how’s Monday sound to you? A trip
up to Cinderella-find-a-fella’s could be in
the pipeline - sparkle baby, sparkle!
Leo
Hurry up and sort out
the house-hunting –
some of us are getting a
little impatient! Genius!
Its all about getting a
job for you at the moment, but try not to
lose sight of other priorities in your life
– your hamster might start to get jealous.
Green is great on Thursday.
Virgo
Bring on Saturday!
You are going to have
lotsa fun and frolics.
Unfortunately not in the
sea as it’s a bit chilly on
the old willy, in case you hadn’t noticed…
loving good old chezza. Blonde is a good
look for you – you might wanna check your
reflection in your cereal spoon though!
- Barefacts Personals -
You know the drill - send an email with the subject line ‘personals’ to
will you? Cheers!
Go Paintbrush!
Chunks you should feed the poor lad if he’s that
hungary!
anyone got any goggles I can wear to play Cullen
at squash? Oh yeah shin pads, mouth guard,
shoulder pads and a scrum cap might also be
useful!
Great sandwiches dudes and the pain au
chocolate were fab too x
Thanks Big John and Manakin for a great training
session, muchly appreciated guys
Thanks Loose for looking after me so well when
I’ve come to visit, it’s been great
Kebab, I hope you’re ankle’s better! More ice?!
think that squash ball did more damage than you
thought!... lanky, hunchbacked and geekish is not
attractive! loose + alan forever!
“ive had no valentines day cards! give me a
rubber man!’
what’s that on your neck?
Hey Unlucky can you let Chunks get to bed at a
reasonable time on Mondays and Thursdays so
she can get up for breakfast fitness, thanks.
Josie and Tom sitting in Wells-3, K.I.S.S.I.N.G. Nice
one you two, you look so sweet together x
Great to have Sez back on the team next week we
WILL kick butt!
Who exactly drank us egg chasers under the
table????
‘Look will you just get in those toilets and get
your shorts off! Just do it, trust me you’ll love it.
It will make all the difference!’ Keep it in the club
hey boys!
Angie did we break you? Have you found all the
pieces yet?
2 crates for the price of 1.. 10am Sunday morning!
Result!
Satan loves you guys too but Im guessing Cullens
in trouble again, do you want more tour fines? Be
nice x x
I did say I didn’t wanna go to the union, you guys
are just bullies and you say Im evil!!
Hey scrumpy I think you made up on the dancing
front this week.
Kebab nice shimmy even on one leg
BULLSH*T!!
....so, if Eveready was alone in your bed.....whose
bed were you in?
i know it’s old, but gotta ask.....did Unlucky just
get lucky?
Whose sh*t?
Plans to take over the world are underway....
just want to say hi to all the nipple-loving
boohbahs out there! i love you all! love jingbah
xxx
“Hunny, I Know I keep saying it, but I’m really not
gay!”
26 February 2004
“The Sometimes are invading, be afraid... be very
afraid...”
Igloo igloo igloo igloo!
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Great first match Flash x x
Never fear, Captain Eveready and Loose Woman
will save the day!
A formal apology to Chunks and Unlucky, I
promise to lay off you guys from now on x x x
Cullen why are you single?
Thanks guys for giving my cousin a great night
out, I think we scared him real good! x x
Since the plane’s leaving on Friday I guess there
can’t be any more ‘final’ matches, so thank you
guys for all the great matches and socials, you’re
all the best and I’ll miss you loads! love always,
Bok xxx P.S. See you freshers in September!
Well done Kenney, hope #10 won’t always be as
damaging
Well it wasn’t great, but it was better than
nothing at all
Oli, my oli. I love you so much. I hope you win
the elections. But if not you will always be the
president of my heart. xxxxxxxxx
Skippy wait till the photos come out!!
Skidoo, why are you now after Mullet men in
shorts?
Have you still got those stockings on?
Staying sober doesn’t stop some people from
throwing up in the morning!
Ems just where exactely did you go in Warwick?
Pob masterbates over women.... but only when
they are asleep!!
Soggy Biscuit? Depends what biscuit it is.
Hobnobs!
The Fox from Robin Hood, Lady from Lady and
the Tramp and Nala from the Lion King, and the
mouse from American Tale. I’m sorry Funhouse
which Disney character is the hottest?!
Mullet was allowed to pay 5p to feel just the
corner of the bag!!
I’m not wrong - just 3 or 4 times a day!!
PRINCESS 28 - MOULET 8
When I bought 2 pints, I was scared I was going to
have to neck a pint
So I necked one anyway
B we love you!
We’re collecting for the RSPCA, if you don’t
contribute by pulling me, Skippy will kick a cat on
his way home!!!”
Trouble... you make me smile!
I am the one and only!
The Dream Team 03-04 - i love you all! xxxxx
26 February 2004
Rugby Victory Challenge Chops: Cheerleading
BY PETER INNES
Playing a side two divisions above our own, with over half
the starting line-up out injured and a reshuffled pack, you
would have thought it reasonable to say that the boys were
not completely optimistic about beating Roe Hampton.
Nevertheless it was this underdog mentality that has stood
the rugby side well this season, and showed just how far
this side has come. After only managing six tries the whole
of last season and failing to win a match Surrey Rugby has
finally started to turn that massive potential into results. Not
only have we managed to notch up two wins, but in doing
so we have scored over 30 tries and being the closest team
to beating the best side in our league, only loosing by a
converted try in the end.
The game on Wednesday started off badly, with a rushed
warm-up, and then loosing our starting hooker Chris
Elphick in the first minute to a shoulder injury, it just felt
like one of those days. However behind a solid pack, again
led passionately by pack leader Dave ‘Paintbrush’ Glossop,
and excellent on field organisation by half back pairing Ceri
Thomas and Kenny, Surrey managed to rally and score first.
After a scrappy couple of minutes of play, scrumhalf Ceri
Thomas kicked through a grubber chased up and scored.
After weathering a sustained period of physical attacking
rugby by Roe Hampton, marked especially in the mid-field
by the ferocious tackling of centres Woody and Muncie,
Surrey went back on the offensive and after winning a
lineout close the Roe Hampton goal line, Ceri Thomas
picked up drove over from few yards out.
The second half saw much of the same as Surrey
continued to absorb sustained periods of pressure,
especially in the backline, but at the same time completely
over powered the Roe Hampton pack, particularly in the
line outs where fresher lock Rob Webber dominated. In
the end this forward dominance resulted in Surrey’s third
score of the game, and surprise surprise who scored, but
Ceri, after taking a quick penalty beating two defenders and
diving over.
In the end, a passionate and gritty performance by the
team was the major contributing factor, and I challenge
anyone who thinks there good enough to come and try and
make one of Surrey’s rugby sides on a Sunday afternoon or
Tuesday evening up at Varsity.
FEDERAL SPORTS DAY RESULTS
SURREY
Mens Basketball 1st
Womens Basketball 1st
37
76
Mens Football 1st 0 2
Mens Football 2nd 0 3
Mens Football 3rd 1 2
Womens Foorball 1st 4
Mens Hockey 1st 6 2
Womens Hockey 1st 5 1
Womens Netball 1st
Womens Netball 2nd
Mens Rugby 1st 17
Womens Rugby 1st
SPORT 19
BY DAVID ‘CHOPS’ CHAPMAN Instead of going straight to a standing position, I was left
crouching at shoulder height and only after a moment to
Surprisingly I did think twice about accepting a stabilise myself and pluck up a bit of courage, was I able
Cheerleading Challenge. I’m sure I don’t need to say that to slowly get into a standing position. The second attempt,
this wasn’t because I had any objections to getting physical complete with pose for the camera, was equally shakey, but
with a bunch of girls. My reservations lay in the fact that I I got slowly.
don’t dance, I’m not particularly vocal and my upper body The second part was equally disconcerting. I can probably
strength isn’t my, well, strong point. count the number of times I have been on the dance floor
Fortunately, I got away with minimal dancing, no in the union on my fingers. I don’t like dancing, I’m not
cheering, and I got to be the base (lifting person) for good at it compared to most people, I wasn’t expecting
Amanda, who is incredibly small. This is not to say that to be good at compared with people who have already
the other girls are big, that would both be highly unfair, and some experience of the routine. The routine started off
possibly even a little dangerous. If you have seen Debra’s ok, but very quickly went down hill when it became more
boyfriend Gary, you will know what I mean. complicated.
Because the club have two training sessions per week, it The humiliation continued with some seriously extreme
was agreed that for an accurate taste of Cheerleading, this stretching. Now, although I have been a little slack on
would be a two part challenge. Stunt training on Tuesday stretching recently, I’m not too bad. But compared to
set the ball rolling. all of the girls, I looked like an old man (no need for the
After a quick warm up, a very quick stretch for the few obvious comments). Some of the techniques of stretching
guys there and a more exacting stretch for the girls, we split were very odd. Indeed in a couple of cases you could have
into groups of 4 or 5 and practiced one of the most basic been confused that they were doing something other than
lifts. This is essentially one person standing on two others stretching. Or that just be the old man in me coming out
hands at shoulder height. After a couple of demonstrations, again
I was talked through the actions I would need to take and
was then walked through the early steps. Unfortunately
there is only a limited amount you can do in slow motion
before you just have to go for it. In the first run through,
I was considerably slower than Steve, so Amanda ended
up with one foot at shoulder height and the other at waist
height. She managed to keep her balance and another
couple of attempts later, I was getting the hang of it.
The next step was to work on the method of getting the
“flyer” back down to ground level. This is essentially
achieved by dropping them, and the two bases plus the rear
spotter, catching them. Funnily enough, it is surprisingly
hard to drop someone, as the two base’s have to coordinate
their timing. The rear spotter also helps with the catching,
so there are four people all in all trying to work together.
As I had to finish early and we wanted to get a photo
or two, we decided that I would have a quick attempt at
“flying.” For the first time in Challenge Chops, my light
build came in handy, as the two guys acting as my base’s
didn’t have to support too much weight. I’m not going to
try claiming that I was anywhere near proficient. I wasn’t.
FOOTBALL TEAMS WANTED
ROEHAMPTON
FOR SIX-A-SIDE LEAGUE
32
67
STARTING SOON
Azzurri Sports & Leisure have places available for
teams wishing to play in local weekly competitive
1
leagues, juniors, seniors and girls at Winston
Churchill Sports Centre Astroturf, St Johns.
WEEKEND AND WEEKDAY LEAUGUES STARTING APRIL 1ST 2004
10
Download a registration form from the website:
WWW.AZZURRISPORTSLEISURE.CO.UK
20 SPORT 26 February 2004

teamsurrey
Federal Victory For Surrey
BY DAVID CHAPMAN

The third and final Federal Sports Day was held on

Wednesday 18th February. For those of you unfamiliar
with this event, it is essentially University of Surrey Vs
University of Surrey Roehampton. Football, Hockey,
Netball and Rugby games took place at the Varsity Centre
with Basketball at UniSPORT.
This year’s event was the last Federal Sports day due to
the University of Surrey Roehampton severing its links
with the University of Surrey from the next academic year.
Last year, Surrey achieved a decisive victory, an impressive
improvement over the previous years draw. Overall across
the three years, Roehampton needed the win this year in
order to equal Surrey. But we were not going to let them
get away with that. Although the victory was not quite as
impressive as last year, we came away with a safe 7 – 5
repeat of last year’s success.
Two wins and a draw is a considerable achievement for
a “non sporting University.” teamsurrey has done itself
proud and we have truly earned the right to call ourselves
the Undisputed Federal Champions of all time.
I would like to express my thanks to everyone who helped
out on the day to ensure it all ran as smoothly as it did. For
the full list of match results and a Mens Rugby match report
please see the inside page

- Colours Ball 04 -
S A N D O W N PA R K R A C E C O U R S E | F R I D A Y 3 0 T H A P R I L
T h r e e C o u r s e M e a l , W i n e , L i v e B a n d , D J , Vo d k a L u g e , C a s i n o , a n d M a n y M o r e E n t e r t a i n m e n t s
L a u n c h Pa r t y : T h u r s d a y We e k 7 i n t h e H R B
F O R M O R E I N F O R M A T I O N V I S I T : W W W. C O L O U R S B A L L . I N F O

1 Event - 2000 Students

BY STAVROS SACHINIS
Yes it is that time of year again, the time when some poor
unfortunate ski resort is subject to two insane weeks of one
of the biggest parties in Europe at the British Universities
Snowsports Championships (BUSC) 2004.
This year from 20/03/04 - 03/04/04 BUSC will be heading
to Les Deux Alpes, France “the Las Vegas of the Alps”
for an action packed schedule of ski and snowboarding
competition, a top line up of bands and DJ’s and obviously
an immense amount of drinking! Competition varies from
traditional events such as slalom and GS to freestyle events
like Big Air, Half Pipe and Ultra-X which is a relay race,
where teams of skiers and boarders unite to take on a course
comprised of banked turns, jumps and rollers all at Mach 10.
Oh yeah, and contact is allowed! Everyone is welcome to
compete and the standard ranges from beginners and people
having a laugh to near Olympic level.
If you aren’t up for all the ‘serious’ competition stuff then
the holiday is a perfect way to chill out with your mates on
the piste under the warm Easter sun, learn how to ski or
snowboard, perfect those turns or even learn some tricks
in “the best snow-park this side of the pond”. The best
thing is that you’ll meet a load of new people from other
universities and experience the unique BUSC nightlife and
festival atmosphere. Needless to say, our very own Ski
& Snowboard Club will be sending its finest ‘athletes’ to
compete/party but we’d love it if everyone else from the
university joined us for a holiday you’ll never forget.
Come to our BUSC04: Launch Party, Saturday 28th
February, 9:00pm – 2:00am in the HRB, the theme will
be in the form of a Beach Party, with limbo competitions,
flavoured vodka shots and loads of prizes. Visit
www.surreysnowsports.com for more info.

The Sports Show on GU2

Thursdays 1-4| With TUG
Campus phone: 811350 | Ex: 01483 681350
Email / MSN: studio@gu2.co.uk