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25/01/01 Issue no: 999

Aliens have Human Dimestars Sport

live review news
Landed Auctions
p5 p7 p11 p22-24

Sewage Chaos
by Luke Hickey
Deputy Editor
A series of events took place
over the last weekend, which could
have led to a serious health haz-
ard.
The bizarre sequence of events
began on Friday morning, as some
of the occupants of House 29,
Stag Hill Court noticed the toilet
and showers overflowing slightly,
with green water coming up
through the drains. The water soon
died down, and by the time the
Warden arrived to inspect, there
was little left to see. The area was
then cleaned and to the best of the
residents’ knowledge nothing fur-
ther was done about the incident.
On Sunday morning, there was a
similar occurrence, with the water
again dying down before the
Warden could properly inspect the
area.
Sunday evening, saw the third
occurrence of the same pattern,
except this time the water did not
recede as before, instead getting
higher and starting to seep out of
the bathrooms into the hall. The
Warden was informed of the
events and staff began attempting
to remove the overflowing liquid
with buckets and hoovers.
However, the staff soon left the
residents to continue the job on
their own. The water began rising
too fast, so the residents decided
to go to the only court reception
open on Sunday evenings,
Battersea Court.
The receptionist at Battersea
Court was unable to locate any
disinfectant, but did open their
cleaner’s cupboard, where some
gloves, and further buckets were
found. By now the water had start-
ed to relent and it was getting late,
so the residents decided to block
the gaps at the bottom of the bath-
room doors with their duvets and
go to bed.
At about 1pm one of the resi-
dents got up and noticed puddles
of water on the floor. Security were
called and residents were helped
to move out of their rooms for the
night.
Two of the residents, Claire
Cooper and Kelly Andow, told
barefacts of the conditions at the
time, “The place smelt absolutely
disgusting, with toilet paper com-
ing up through the toilet and float-
ing across the bathroom, the
whole place was a massive health
hazard”.
The following morning, the resi-
dents returned to find that the
water level had dropped and were
told not to use showers, baths or
toilets. However, the rest of the
court still was using the amenities
and soon the sewage began flow-
ing across the bathrooms, hall and
rooms again.
By this time Richard Paxton, uni-
versity accommodation manager,
had arrived to inspect the scene
for himself; he immediately offered
to move the residents. Paxton later
gave the students a letter apolo-
gizing for the inconvenience
caused over the weekend, and
offering University help in moving
them. He also made clear that the
new accommodation given to the
residents (University Court) was
theirs until the end of the academ-
ic year and that they would not be
charged extra for it.
Paxton told barefacts that the
problem was due to a build up of
grease in the drains on Stag Hill.
He also said that before it is fit for
living in again, House 29 will have
it’s carpets replaced, and where
necessary refurbishment is
required it will take place. Paxton
commended the residents for their Stag Hill 29 Ground floor
actions over the weekend and their
willingness to cooperate in moving
out quickly. He also made clear
that the students who used duvets
to block doors will not be charged
for doing so.
Barefacts has also learnt of sim-
ilar problems in Guildford Court
over the weekend, although in this
case it is believed that the cause
was residents flushing plastic bags
down the toilet.
Barefacts readers may be keen
to ask themselves why it took so
long for the University to appreci-
ate the potential seriousness of
this situation and why the resi-
dents were not offered temporary
accommodation immediately while
the cause of the drainage problem Residents moving out
could be investigated.

Stag Hill Burning

Fire engine on Tuesday night
By Luke Hickey
Deputy Editor
Last Tuesday (23/1), Campus
was awash with flashing blue
lights as the fire-fighters descend-
ed on House 22 in Stag Hill Court.
Around 7:00pm, a resident was
grilling a burger, when the grill pan
caught fire. The resident immedi-
ately followed correct procedure
and placed the fire blanket over
the grill, thus putting out the small
fire. University security was then
called, who in turn alerted the fire
brigade.
Sub Officer Paul Crowder, sen-
ior firefighter at the scene, spoke
afterwards of his delight at the
way the resident handled the situ-
ation, “The fire department was
alerted by security that there was
a fire on campus. When we
arrived security directed us to the
scene quickly and four other offi-
cers already on the scene met us.
When we entered the building, we
found that the grill pan had been
safely extinguished by the use of
a fire blanket. The students con-
cerned acted in an entirely proper
manner. I would like to commend
security and the students for their
prompt action.”

barefacts@surrey.ac.uk News 1-2 n Rag 3-5, n barearts 7-18 n Lifestyle 21 n Sport 22-24
 2 News 25/01/01

Editorial

Editorial Team Welcome to our 999th issue, which this week sees
rag taking it over for their own needs...so spot their
Editor
Editor stories. All of the money raised at rag will go to the
Kevin Marston various charities that they support so the more money
you can give the better.
Deputy
Deputy Editor
Editor
Luke Hickey As part of the fund raising various members of the
barefacts team auctioned themselves off at the
Production Human Auction raising about £70,. So a big thanks of luck as he’s going to need it. (and he’s only proof
Production Editor
Editor
Andrew Thomas from me for doing so...even though I gave them that read three articles...so the rest is my fault)
little shove.
News
News Team
Team Film
Film Editors
Editors Finally, I ‘ve decided to change the picture this week,
James Buller Libby Hurt Also this week sees the introduction of a barefacts so watch out for more wacky pics in the future.
Arthi Veerupillai proof reader, Duncan Hamilton...I wish him the best - Kev
Science
Science Editor
Editor
Political
Political Editor
Editor Nick Walsh
Reuben Thompson ...News In Brief...News In Brief...News
Sports
Sports Editor
Editor
Dave Chapman 'Death-trap' Destroyed The metabolism of three soya foods will be exam-
Features
Features Editor
Editor ined though volunteers providing blood and urine
Vacant
Marketing A derelict Guildford building, notorious as a drug den samples. A preliminary study last year used volun-
Marketing Team
Team
Ali Danby and squat was knocked down last week. The walls of teers from the local community wishing to contribute to
Music
Music Editor
Editor
Ellen van Keulen the old Biddle print-works started to fall as the demoli- a greater scientific understanding of nutrition and
Owen Hazelby
tion experts started their 4-week job. health. Most subjects found the study an enjoyable
About 40 tons of rubbish including used syringes for and sociable experience,
Arts
Arts Editor
Editor Proof
Proof Reader
Reader injecting drugs had to be removed from the site in To find out more contact Anne Hawdon on 01483
Vacant Duncan Hamilton
advance. In the past the emergency services have 876480, email a.hawdon@surrey.ac.uk
had to contend with the danger of these as they were
Contributers
Contributers frequently called to the old factory. During the summer Police: We Know Damilola's Killer
Ali Danby two drug related deaths were recorded there.
Luke Mackenzie Guildford Firefighter Michael Franks said: "It was a Officers investigating the stabbing of 10-year-old
Lucy Andrews horrendous place. Horrible things and drugs were Damilola Taylor say they know who did it but cannot
Reuben Thompson inside, so we will heave a sigh of relief. It was a poten- act because they lack the firm evidence required.
David Abbott tial danger to the public because of fire and other haz- Chef Inspector Trevor Shepherd, said a "culture of
MWC ards." hostility" among young witnesses was stopping the
Simon Robinson Offices will be built on the cleared land while the 200 inquiry from progressing. He said many Peckham res-
Music Team tons of steel and 700 tons of bricks will be recycled. idents have helped police but some have not. "It indi-
SAIS Four year old Paul Mead who lives nearby has been cates a culture of reluctance to talk to police, if not
& Dr Russ watching the wreckers. "It's exciting watching the downright hostility that exists among what some would
machine. When those bricks fall down it gets too call gangs of youths on some of these large estates,"
noisy" he said. he said. "This said I would appeal to these youths,
Neighbour Liz Shales however is sad to see the particularly those who weren't actually responsible for
structure go. "It was once upon a time a nice building the injury, to come forward."
and if the owners had done something with it 10 years To date police have arrested 15 people in connec-
ago we could have something better," she said. tion with Damilola's death but no one has yet been
charged.
Lakeside Makes Donation A renewed appeal was made by A Radio One DJ
Jonathan Joseph on the BBC's Crimewatch program
The Lakeside Restaurant has given £500 to a din- yesterday. 'DJ Spoony', filmed the piece just yards
barefacts
ner dance in aid of National Meningitis Trust and local from where Damilola bled to death. He said: "I know it
Union House, University Of Surrey charity Cherry Trees. is difficult. I grew up on an estate just like Damilola
Guildford, Surrey, GU2 7XH
The restaurant run by students of the School of where the police are often not the most welcome peo-
Management Studies got the money by accumulating ple." He went on: "But this is such a tragedy... The
Tel: 01483 879275
gratuities left by impressed diners. chances are there is someone out there who knows
Fax: 01483 534749 The Charity Dinner Dance, now in its 34th year is who killed Damilola... I'm begging them to come for-
email: barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
also arranged by final years in the management ward."
Deadline for Publication department. David Sharman and Rachel Odlin Damilola's father was also interviewed for the broad-
received the cheque on behalf of the events organis- cast. "What was it in the minds of those who did it?
Monday 12pm ing committee. What did they want and why did they do it?" he asked.
Sharman, the Chairman said, "The Dinner Dance is Mr Joseph was recruited after police visited youth
Submissions the finale of eight months of fundraising which has centres in the area of the incident. They asked which
included balloon races, street collections and a cock- celebrities the youths most respected and would listen
preferably on disk / email in Word 6.0 Format, tails evening. We look forward to raising even more to. At Damilola's funeral footballer John Fashanu also
Text in Arial, size 9 font money for our two charities at the ball in London which made an appeal for information.
barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper, published by the University of Surrey Students' Union Communications Office. is one of the University's most prestigious events of
The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors, and do not necessarily
the year." Museums To Axe Entry Fees
represent the views of the Editor, the Editorial Board, the University of Surrey Students' Union This year the event will be at the Park Lane Hotel in
or the University of Surrey. London, on 27 January. 450 guests including the Vice- All England's National galleries and museums could
This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express permission Chancellor and other distinguished guests will be soon be offering free admission according to the BBC.
of the publisher.
there. A deal has apparently been made between govern-
All submissions must include the author's name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication.
Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published.
ment departments, allowing institutions to scrap their
barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. Full of Beans? entrance fees. The Department for Culture, Media and
Printed by Sport (DCMS) has got the Treasury to let museums off
UniS needs volunteers to take part in an investiga- a technicality making free entry unpalatable.
East End Offset (TU), Bow, London, E3 3LT tion into soya. The study hopes to determine how the Museums currently receive a rebate on VAT as long
© USSU Communications Office 2000 amount of soya consumed relates to good health. as they levy a charge for admittance. The DCMS had
The Centre for Nutrition and Food Safety based in already agreed to subsidise the museums so that they
the biology department is seeking healthy men aged could charge a £1 flat rate from September. The new
18+ and post-menopausal women. The trial involves a deal means the rebate will be still paid even if there is
little dietary modification and would include just eating not charging.
one soya meal each week. Sites affected by the move include the Victoria and
"This is a really important first level study, which will Albert Museum, the Natural History Museum and the
enable us to provide deductions as to what and how Science Museum, as well as the Tate galleries at
much soya individuals should consume to maximally Liverpool and St Ives. Museums outside of England
benefit their health" said Projects Co-ordinator Anne however are not covered as their own parliament and
Hawdon, assemblies fund them.
Existing data suggests that soya consumption may The National Museum of Scotland is to remove its
reduce incidences of coronary heart disease, entry fees from April making it equal with the Ulster
menopausal symptoms and breast cancer. There is a Museum. The National Museum and Gallery of Wales
lower rate of these complaints in Asia where more is negotiating with the Welsh National Assembly to
soya is more prevalent. drop prices to £1 in the future.
25/01/01
VC Finishes
Alphabet
by Rag News Team
It was announced this week by
the queen that Prof. Pat Pending
will recieve an order of XYZ so he
can complete the alphabet behind
his name.
Prof. Pending said of his award,
“Naturally I’m totally surprised by
this honour”. The professor is
expected to receive his award from
the queen at a private ceremony in
the Elm-Tree pub later tonight.
Prof. Pending began his career at
Bogchester polytechnic where he
was senior lecturer in the
Managing Complex Engineering
Structures For the Education
Planes, Trains,
and Buildings
by Rag News Team
Following the success of the new
“train” design of Car Park 5 court,
the University have commisiond
another landmark building from
architects Nicholas Grimsdale and
Partners. The new building, will be
situated on the last section of
grass on the campus, in front of
the lake. Mr Grimsdale said “We’ve
covered boat and train, so it is only
natural that we move onto aero-
plane”. The new building will house
the Battersea Polytechnic Centre
for Useless Research. “We are
planning many exciting new proj-
ects for the new centre”
An artists impression of the new building.
Todays TV
9am BBC1
Breakfast with Frost
Hullo, good morning and goodbye
11am FILM
Other Peoples Money
Hilarious romp about the rise and fall of a spend happy window
cleaner.
7pm A Touch of Frost
David Jason stars as the detective who this week investigates
the mysterious disappearance of £240, 000.
10pm FILM
Carry On Spending
12am Closedown (Due to lack of funds)
Sector. He is consdidered by many
in this field to be a world leader. His
contributions have included, taking
the credit for the Apollo Moon land-
ing, the release of Nelson Mandela,
and the fall of the Berlin Wall. Since
arriving at the University fifteen
years ago, Prof. Pending has been
instrumental in many initiatives
which give him credit for every-
thing, including a weekly newsletter
“Pending Matters” which informs
everyone of his greatness. Prof.
Pending MA, BA(baracus), NBA,
MBA, ABC, easy as 123, CNN,
MTV, NEWS24 (digital and cable
only), CU, L8TER, M8, DiR, CD,
DEL, C:\, MP3, NWA is 127.
Architect Nicholas
Grimsdale, yesterday
Rag News
Farewell Unis,
Hello BP!
by Rag News Team
Image
In what is expected to a major
waste of money, the University
announced yesterday, that the old
name UniS is about to be ditched.
After a period of review, design
consultant Mr Bags O’Money
came up with the new image on
the back of an envelope in Wates
house last week. “UniS is very
circa 20th century” said Mr
O’Money, “We needed to bring the
enviroment straight into the 21st
century with a new dynamic that
would meet the needs of getting
Prof Pending onto the front page of
the Surrey Advertiser”.
Black
From next year, Unis will be
known as “Battersea Polytechnic”,
and the corporate colour will be
black.
Guildford Cathedral
Warning: The Effects Of Alcohol
by Rag News Team
When you drink too much alcohol
you are Wiskeyed off in a Martini to
the nearest Port. There you meet
two women:-
A Black Russian called Tia Maria
who wears nothing but a Gin slip,
and another girl called Bloody
Mary.
She's bloody because of the
Government Abolishes A-Levels
David Blunkett announced on
Monday that the Labour
Government plans to abolish A-
Level examinations altogether.
His announcement stunned the
opposition benches into silence.
George Fotheringham,
Conservative MP for West
Stretton, was even said to have
woken up briefly after Mr.
Blunkett's speech for the first time
in nearly a decade.
Mr. Blunkett was quick to explain
the logic behind his decision. "We
believe that university education
should be open to the people who
want to go - not just the privileged
few with qualifications," he said.
In a press conference after-
wards, he elaborated, "First we
abolished grammar schools,
because they were unfair; then
GCSEs replace O-levels, because
they were unfair, too. This year we
are trialling new-format
It is already apparent to us that
these do not go far enough in
allowing even the thickest pupils a
decent shot at further education.
"Our new policy ensures that
more students will be able to study
vitally-important subjects such as
3
And White
The old UniS logo will be replaced
with a rather regal looking “Crest”.
“The review will go much further
than just a new name”, Prof.
Pending commented. “We are
planning to scrap the semester
sytem to introduce a schedule we
are calling terms”. There is
planned to be three ten week
‘terms’ in one academic year. The
old school structure has also been
earmarked for review. “We are cur-
rently looking into the idea of
‘Departments’ to replace the
schools” said somebody important.
Minstrel Show
The new ‘Departments’ will be
smaller and easier to manage, with
students being taught at group
sessions called ‘lectures’. We
came up with the name of
Battersea Polytechnic due to the
fact that the University is situated
right next to Guildford Cathedral.
Design Consultant, Mr Bags
O’Money
Screwdriver stuck in Cider head. But then Baby, you realise it's all
Every time Mary shakes her head a sham.
blood Oozo's out of her, at a rate of You're rudely awakened the next
one drip Pernod. The pool of blood day by Jack Daniels. As usual for a
gets slowly Lager and Lager until Southerner he offers no Comfort
you can Beer it no longer. and simply Brandys you a drunk.
"What are you doing here?" she That was a Rum thing that hap-
Schnapps "I'm busy talking on my pened last night you think, let's get
Vodkaphone." drunk again!
"I don't know" you Wine. "Nothing
is Red and White to me any more."
Fashion Marketing. This will gen- measures were "an intense relief
erate much-needed cash for us, for his team. Now my school won't
as we are intending to charge stu- become the first ever to have an
dents even more money for the entire year fail every exam they
privilege of going to university." take." On the other hand, Mr.
The Conservatives were quick to Blunkett's plans were ridiculed in
criticise the plans. "This is just yet Tunbridge
another in a sorry line of vote- Wells - one of the last places still
grabbing, penny-pinching, policy- to have grammar schools. "I fink
avoiding, crowd-pleasing ideas it's, like, y'know, really stoopid,"
from the Labour Party," William was the response from one
Hague commented. "I just wish articulate GCSE student at
we'd thought of it first." Southborough Grammar School
Unsurprisingly, the announce- for Girls.
ment caused shockwaves across William Hague was also keen to
the teaching community. point out the similarities between
In the private sector, there was a this policy and Labour's previous
palpable sense of relief. "We knew effort to wipe out selective sec-
we'd done the right thing switching ondary education. He said that if
to International Baccalaureat Tony Blair had been put in a class
exams," said Donald Chipping, with the same sort of dunces that
head of Newingtonville College, Mr. Hague had to share with, he
an exclusive boys' boarding "very likely wouldn't be running the
school in Yorkshire. "No Labour country now." This statement was
Government will be able to take quickly refuted by the DfEE, who
those qualifications away from our said, "Mr. Blair was indeed at
students." school with a bunch of dunces, but
Meanwhile, there was a mixed in our opinion, he turned out all
reaction in state schools. The right in the end."
Principal of one inner-city school
in Birmingham, who asked not to
be named, said that the new
Disclaimer - Rag News is not to be taken serious as all stories are fictious.
Rag News Team - Disco Roy, Bulltix, D.Bishop
4 Your Emails 25/01/01

Your Emails
Please send your emails to barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
To: barefacts To: barefacts
From: Penny Murphy From: Tim Brown
Subject: Male Escorts Subject: Bollards and Chikanes
Cc: Cc:

Dear Mr Editor, female and the included in the price Dear Bare Facts for which fines are in place. I may even begin to feel that way.
majority of us under !!!!!!!!!! but we may be would have thought that such acci-
I am writing on thirty and single are willing to negotiate. I just read the article regarding dents like this would be very infre- Tim.
behalf of my fellow looking for dates for Please send me the rather unfortunate grey hatch- quent if people obey the law as I,
students at the this special occas- your thoughts on this back that crashed into a bollard. being someone who has to walk (ed. See news in brief on page 2
EIHMS building. We sion. we were won- matter. Lighting is definitely an issue around that area to get to my for an update on last week’s front
are final year nursing dering if the hockey, although I have not yet seen one office, feels that sooner or later page story)
students and gradu- football or rugy team Yours sincerely vehicle on campus move within some serious accident will take
ate this August. could help us out. Miss Penny Murphy the speed limits other than securi- place.I personally don't under -
We are having our There will be a three ty vehicles. For those who do not stand why people can't drive with-
graduation ball at the course meal, wine, a (sports ed. What’s know the speed limit is 15mph and in the limits. I, as a driver, have
Forte Post house disco, free transport wrong with the even 5mph near Senate House. always done so and intend to con-
hotel and being only for a fee of fourty Ultimate Disc And I was even informed in my tinue doing so. I hope some others
fifty five of us all pounds, extras not team??) minibus test that this is a strict rule out there feel the same way or

To: barefacts
From: Tristan O'Dwyer
Subject: RE: Tuition Fees
Cc:

Dear Sir,
I would once again like to reply
to several points made by Mr
Stanway in his latest letter on
tuition fees and education.
First of all I will reply to his final
point. He seems to believe that
those who took part in the march
against tuition fees should offer
him an apology for claiming to
represent him. They were not. He
should realise that the purpose of
a representative (in this case the
NUS) is not to represent its mem-
bers views. The role of a repre-
sentative is to represent the inter-
ests of a group, not necessarily
what they want. The NUS
believes that it is in its members
best interests not to have to pay
tuition fees. I think I should take
this opportunity to remind him that
he does not have to be a member
of the union. Indeed, the 1988
Education Act states that a stu-
dent has the right to be member of
a university without being a mem-
ber of the NUS. If Mr Stanway
really believs the NUS is not pro-
tecting his best interests he is
entitled to leave. Somehow I
doubt he will.
Mr Stanway thinks that primary
education should be privatised
too. Who is to pay for this educa-
tion? If it is the parents of the child
then what would happen if they
could not afford the education? It's
bad enough people missing out
on University education because
they cannot afford it, but not get-
ting a decent primary education
would have disastrous results for
the individual AND for the country.
He also states that "the justifica-
tion for funding education is that it
pays off in the long run to have an
educated population and active
scientific research". If this is the
case (and I believe that it is) how
can it be an argument for privati-
sation? The best active scientific
research is what we call "blue sky"
research. This is research that is
of no apparent "use" to anyone,
but is undertaken because of
curiosity (the "thirst for knowl-
edge" I talked of in my original let-
ter). This research often leads, in
the long run, to new useful tech-
nological breakthroughs, which
wouldn't have been foreseen
when the research was started.
Private organisations are more
worried about knowing what they
will get out of it before commenc-
ing research, and as such would
not fund "blue sky" research.
Governments do, although still not
enough.
Another point raised is that "tax-
ation is about taking money off
people with the threat of throwing
them in prison. It is distinctly anti-
social, and no basis for a healthy
society." I think this is a very self-
ish view. Taxation is actually about
asking people to contribute to the
smooth running of the country and
helping to provide the basic serv-
ices needed by society. What I do
think is anti-social is a refusal to
face up to these responsibilities.
But then again, Mr Stanway does-
n't seem to have any problems
with selfish views. As he said him-
self on the Union message board
"My beliefs are in unmoderated,
unashamed selfishness."
The final point I would like to
raise is in response to the follow-
ing. "To claim a right to education
is to claim that educators have no
right to refuse to educate us." This
all depends on who Mr Stanway
sees the "educator" as being.
Individuals have a right to refuse
to educate by not becoming
teachers, and not having children.
I accept that. But society and gov-
ernment does NOT have the right
to not educate. It has a responsi-
bility to do so, and therefore has a
responsibility to encourage indi-
viduals to become teachers.
There will always be people will-
ing to do this if it is a position treat-
ed with respect, and paid accord-
ingly, through taxation.
If anybody would like to discuss
this further, a discussion on the
union website message boards
has been taking place for several
weeks now. I look forward to see-
ing other peoples points of view.
Yours sincerely,
Tristan O'Dwyer
Final Year Phyics

Please send all responces to emails to barefacts not the author.

If you would like to write a letter then please send them to barefacts@surrey.ac.uk

www.ussu.co.uk
The new University of Surrey Students ‘ Union Website

Containing information on
Union Events
Societies
Welfare
Sports
& more
SO TAKE A LOOK AND HAVE A BIT OF FUN
25/01/01 Rag Features 5

Cosmic Crash Landing in Surrey

by Antidec Mclewn -Rag News
Lunar Editor

Earlier this week, shocked observers

reported that they had seen an alien space-
craft crash land behind Stag Hill court! After
a recent newspaper story reported on how
there were possibly alien motorways on the
moon barefacts thought it worth investigat-
ing.
Sure enough behind Stag Hill we found a
huge cone-like structure, it looked slightly
damaged by the torrential rain and wind.
Under it we could hear grunting and the
sound of power tools. A few minutes later
we came face to face with an alien, as it
came through the bushes towards us!
Having run to a safe distance we decided to
follow it. The alien was seen to disappear
into the craft only to materialise on some
kind of lunar-trolley, which it drove into the
Stag Hill residences. It then stopped off to
“phone home” in a local booth before con-
tinuing onto central campus.
Passing the union building the alien was
seen to study several signposts and get
excited over one in particular. It continued
down some steps and it all became clear
where it’s final destination was. Sure
enough our silver visitor was seen to arrive
at the Surrey Space Centre and disappear
inside.
It has not been seen since. The alien approaches the Surrey Space Centre

The alien spacecraft Phone Home Mr Alien goes rambling Mysterious space vehicles?

£££ NO TRAIN NO GAIN £££

If you can answer all these questions with "yes" we would like to hear from you!!! · get your promotion gear together (don't worry, it's all provided by us and ncludes:
whistles, packets of crisps, cans of lager, crayons, copies of our free rail paper
Do you need some cash? DelayTimes, a guitar etc.) run out to the rail tracks and entertain our passengers
Do you live in University Court IV? (If you live anywhere else on Campus see in the delayed trains (which usually stop just before Guildford train station) by
"Other jobs include") singing happy songs to them, giving out freebies and let them shout abuse at
Do you want to earn some money and get valuable work experience at the same you.
time?
Do you like trains??? Other jobs include:

Your profile: Collecting stranded TESCO trolleys around campus

You have a cheerful personality and relish the challenge of people behaving
extremely rudely towards you
You enjoy working in a very unfriendly and hostile atmosphere at unsocial hours
You are great at making up excuses if people ask unpleasant questions
Great!!! This means our mission is your mission: Making our clients, the rail passengers,
truly happy by providing an excellent and absolutely superfluous customer service!!!
Have a look at the exciting part-time positions we offer:
Train Spotter:
If you live in one of the rooms in "The Train" which face the rail tracks turn a disadvantage
into an advantage! All you need to do is:
· count the annoyed passengers in the passing trains
· fill out the confusing "passenger survey" forms we provide
· press the "service" button every time a train comes in so that the "customer
fairies" can start their equally useless work
Working as a bell boy in the ridiculously slow library lift ensuring that people
wake up when the lift has reached the chosen floor
Feeding the ducks and geese in the lake (in co-operation with the RSPCA)
Working as a "lollipop lady" ensuring that no more senseless car drivers crash
right into the new barriers on the hill beside the DK building
You'll be pleased to hear that we have students working for us all over the UK and our
theme parties such as "Catch the train" have proved to be extremely popular. Enjoy the
fun of meeting people who also live in superb purpose built accommodation like "The
Train" and share jokes on topics that everybody can laugh about like fire alarms, problem
windows and shrieking showers.
Don't hesitate to join CrazyTrains any time you like. We can assure you that your efforts
will be incredibly valued not only by our company, but also by the whole country. We have
all been suffering from bad train service for too long.
It is time for some action and you can make a difference!!!

Customer Service Fairy: If you think that none of these jobs is ridiculous enough not to have a go at feel free to
If your room is on the other side of the building don't despair because your new job is just contact us at www.thiswasjustajoke.com or scratch your head for a little while if you still
as fun and challenging! didn't get it…
When you hear the "service" bell you only need to:
 6 Elections 25/01/01

Reuben View From Across

Rants
by Reuben Thompson
he’s political!
Politcal Edior
Last Wednesday saw three very
strange things involving Anne
Widdecombe. Firstly, she took the left
wing view on an issue-- in this case
supporting the banning of hunting
with hounds; secondly, she received
cries of "Who let the dogs out" from
the Labour front bench during Prime
Minister's Question Time (whatever
happened to the "adult and sensible
debate" I was talking about last
week?), and finally she insulted my
hair. It is however the hunting issue
on which I shall be concentrating.
Since Labour came to power in
1997, the issue of a ban on hunting
with hounds has surfaced and resur-
faced countless times, first with a
Private Member's Bill brought by
Labour MP Michael Foster which was
talked into the ground by the govern-
ment, and now with the new, govern-
ment sponsored bill that received its
third reading last week. Rumours,
albeit in the end false, abounded in
the press that the Tories were going
to amend the bill until it was unwork-
able. Blair prudently left the country
for an "official visit".
MPs were given three choices on
the future of hunting. The first option
was to allow "self regulation", i.e. the
status quo. The second was an
authority to license and oversee hunt-
ing, and the third was a total ban on
hunting with hounds. The important
thing about this new bill, however,
was that all three main parties
allowed their members the rare spec-
tacle of a free vote. This means that
MPs can vote how they want to, not
how their party tells them. There were
therefore several surprises of the
Widdecombe variety. For one, she
voted for a total ban on hunting. The
only Labour MP to vote to retain the
current situation was Peter Temple-
Morris. Several prominent Lib-Dems
voted to allow hunting to continue.
Guildford MP, Nick St. Aubyn voted
for the middle option of licensed hunt-
ing.
In the end though, the option of a
hunt ban won through by a fairly wide
majority. The bill now passes to the
Lords who, in their infinite (ha ha ha)
wisdom will probably throw it out.
There is not now time for the govern-
The Atlantic
ment to invoke the parliament act By Jimbo Einz,
Washington Correspondent.
before the impending general election
so there is little chance of it becoming
law.
Having been something of a zero Gee, hiya, all you readers in lil'old England. I'm here in
Washington DC to watch the inauguration of George 'Dubya'
issue week last week, this week had
not only the hunting, but also the Bush and gee, what an experience it is- it sure beats the crown-
ing of your ol' Queen Lil!
highly ethically controversial human
embryology debate. The argument As I'm sure you know, Dubya was elected president despite
getting a lower number of votes than his opponent, Al Gore. Well
centres around the use of human
embryos for research. Both sides are gee, ain't that good ol' typical American democracy! It couldn't
happen in England, where Tony Blair has a huge majority, I'm
totally convinced they are correct
morally, with one claiming it is murder told!
In all my years of covering our presidential elections, I've never
and the other claiming that the
embryos are not people and therefore seen one quite like this. The election went all the way to the
Supreme Court. But yes, we still say that although the election
the potential gains in saving people
are worth it. The commons debated was decided by judges, it is a triumph for democracy. And gee,
let's face it, where else but The Land Of The Free would such an
the motion a couple of months ago in
another of those ever elusive free important election be decided in such a great way!
Such a healthy contest like this is just what our Founding
votes I mentioned, and narrowly
passed it. The Lords however may Fathers intended- y'know, the accusations of racism, fraudulent
voting practices and court decisions split along party lines. Yup,
look at it in a different way.
The final minor issue of the week every day I thank God I'm an American!
was the US presidential inauguration.
Struck me as a complete waste of Catch Jimbo’s weekly report in Muppet Radio with Jay, Lovebite,
Dr. Spock and The Squire every week on GU2 (comming soon)
time and money, but hey, the
Americans need made up bureaucrat-
ic ceremonies to replace their total
lack of genuine history...

Sabbatical Elections 2001

“Reach for the stars, climb
every mountain….” Become a
sabb?
For those of you who aren’t clear about the
exact purpose of the Students’ Union, hope-
fully this article will help put things into per-
spective. Every student at this University will
have a different view of USSU and how it
affects their lives, but all have one thing in
common: All have the automatic right to
membership.
Whilst you might find the odd bar here and
there, maybe a band playing sometimes, or
a disco going on, take away the entertain-
ments, bars, and pool tables and you’ll still
have a Students’ Union.
Don’t worry; I’m not about to spout politics at
you! The Union’s not about party politics -
it’s a democracy run for students by stu-
dents, facilitating representation, training,
academic advice, information, publications,
co-ordination of clubs, societies, and ameni-
ties. But all this can’t happen by itself; which
is where the Sabbatical team step in.
Every year a team of six Sabbatical Officers
is elected by cross-campus ballot, (in which
all full members are entitled to vote), and
each is elected to be responsible for a dif-
ferent aspect of Union life. It’s a full-time
post held as a “year out” either during or
after completion of studies. Below are some
details about the positions available.
Typical responsibilities held by all sabbs
include representing the student population
on various University committees, as well as
on a local and national scale through work
with and support from the NUS (National
Union of Students). Together or individually,
they tackle issues affecting students as and
when these arise, providing contact and
integration for all student groups, ensuring
the objectives of the Union are met.
ing
So why be a Sabb?
Well, to fully answer that you’ll have to Vice-President Education and
speak to some people who’ve tried! Being a Welfare
sabbatical officer puts you in a place to real- This position deals with academic affairs
ly influence things and tackle the problems and appeals and also personal and confi-
you faced as a student. If you’re concerned dential matters. This involves sitting on erly and that every group is equally repre-
about the way the Union’s run or the issues many university committees and being a sented within the Union Structure
facing students, if you feel you can really good listener.
make a difference at University or national
Vice-President Sports
level, then it’s definitely worth standing for Vice-President Finance and Having an overseeing of all sports clubs can
election. Development
Being a sabb is a great learning experience: be a logistical nightmare. Have you made
Sorting out budgets can be hard work. sure the coach to take the Men’s fifths to
it’s about making sure the student perspec- Making sure clubs and societies stick to
tive is put forward (and listened to!); it’s Brighton is ordered? … or was it Portsmoth?
them is even harder. Also being involved in
about teamwork, a lot of work, campaigning, the commercial side of USSU through chair-
networking, meetings, support, education, Luke Mackenzie
ing Finance and Services Committees.
trying to make an impact - oh, and beer
prices... Closing Date Friday 2nd Feb, 4pm
Vice-President Societies and Culture
If you’re thinking of standing for election or Making sure all the societies function prop-
just want to know more, please just come
along and talk to any of the existing Sabbs;
we’ll be more than happy to help!
Election nomination packs are available
from USSU reception from Monday of week
15 with information on what you have to do
to get involved.
You can stand for the following positions.
President
They have overall control of not only the
non-commercial aspects of USSU but also
its commercial affairs. The President sits on
all the major University committees and is
the direct link between the Union and
Senate house.
Vice-President Communications and
Marketing
Barefacts is one of the prime media tools of
the USSU and in this position you become
the editor. A lot of late nights are involved
putting the paper together but have the joy
of seeing the end result published – as long
as you can make enough money in advertis-
Splat-tastic

Phantom Flinger
Human Auction
Music Reviews
OFU
 8 Elections 25/01/01
by Texas with their 'Greatest Hits' album. Meanwhile in the NME Brat awards to try and fill the space Glastonbury has left.

Music Rock is also causing a storm across the

globe as Queens of the Stone Age's Nick
Oliveri was arrested at the Rock In Rio festi-
val on the 19th January. Police were waiting
Eninem leads the nominees with 6 nomina-
tions including 'Best Album' and 'Best Single'
with 'Stan'. Coldplay and Oasis were nomi-
The event which was cancelled several
years ago due to poor ticket sales is due to
be held later in the summer near Stratford
nated in three categories with both of them Upon Avon.

News for Oliveri after the bands performance

The year 2001 has started how the music
pundits predicted that rock would be big this
year, as Limp Bizkit have stormed straight
into the number one UK spot with their latest
single 'Rollin'. In the process they have
knocked Jennifer Lopez's 'Love Don't Cost a
Thing' of the top spot after only one week.
Similarly the Beatles album '1' which looked
like it was going to number 1 for a long time
to come has been knocked off the top spot
where the bassist played naked for the set.
He was arrested for indecent exposure as
frontal nudity is considerd a serious offence
in Brazil and Oliveri could face a severe fine.
Craig David has top the nominations for
this years Brit awards by being included in
the 'Best British Album', 'Best British Dance
Act' and 'Best British Newcomer - R and B
Urban' categories. Coldplay, David Gray
and Toploader are amongst other top nomi-
nees. The award ceremony is due to take
place on the 26th February at Earls Court.
fighting it out for the 'Best Band' category
along with Radiohead.
The first headliners for this years festivals
On the eve of Oasis's forthcoming US tour
with The Black Crowes, Noel Gallagher has
brandished the American record buyers as
have been announced as Pulp and Orbital having "bad taste, hence the Backstreet
are both confirmed to play this years Boys." He went onto add that they "can't
Homelands festival. The event takes place sing, can't play and can't dance." Trouble is
on the 26-27th May at the Bowl near I can't remember the last time I saw Noel
Winchester. Other acts that have been con- dancing but I bet it wasn't that good either.
firmed include The Orb, Artful Dodger, Paul
Van Dyke, and Pete Tong. Further festival Simon Robinson
news is that since the cancellation of
Glastonbury, organisers of the Phoenix festi-
val are considering bringing back the festival

Emotive Nation
If you were in PATS last Saturday you may have seen some strange sights: hands grabbing eggs, heads peering over sheets, and dancers in toilets. Well, it was all part of the Emotive
(Student dance company) Dance for the Camera workshop. Led by Mim King, a Brighton-based dance artist, the workshop was part of South East Dance National Dance Agency's
Inside the Artist scheme. Mim showed us her dance films, which have been shown on cinema screens nationally and one of which (Dust) won the IMZ (an international art film festival)
Screen Choreography award. She talked us through the process of making a dance film and then we began story-boarding our ideas for a one minute dance film. After lunch we were
armed with video cameras and sent off to make our short films. At the end of the day there were some fascinating films for us to watch by projector. One group had created a surreal
experience with hands in a shower room, another had experimented with filming dancers exploring textures and there was a comic film testing the possibilities for dance within a toilet. It
was a great experience for me and I think all the others enjoyed it too, there was certainly a great atmosphere throughout the day. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who took part
and helped make the day so interesting and fun, and to Sophie at Unisport and Kate and Pauline in the Dance Department for finance and support for this event. If you'd like to try your
hand at dance-making or filming then get in touch with Emotive, we have a pigeonhole in the Union reception area, so drop us a note or e-mail ameliagammon@hotmail.com

Michaela Lucking Secretary, Emotive

Quirk’s Music tips for 2001

This years list for "Best Newcomer" at the
Brits reads like an obituary for UK music,
who else would suggest the likes of under
6's fave Lolly and mind numbing trance by
numbers workmen, Chiccane? Well here at
Bare Facts we like to think we know a little
better than the morons in their plush offices
who see Cher as cutting edge and Garage
having something to do with cars. Here are
5 acts who you should be hearing a lot more
about this year.
My Vitriol
A four piece who met at college and signed
to Mushroom shortly after a limited release
on London's Org records. My Vitriol combine
cutting edgy guitar rock with emotional con-
tent several levels above any of their con-
temporaries. 2000 saw the band narrowly
miss the top 40 with "Pieces", a follow up to
the anthemic "Cemented Shoes", both of
which received substantial airplay on Radio
1. The band played to huge audiences in
support to larger acts and also at the
Reading and Leeds festivals. Their new sin-
gle, "Always", is released in a couple of
weeks.
My Vitrol
Emiliana Torrini
A 23 year old half Icelandic / half Italian
singer and composer Emiliana Torrini was
snapped up by One Little Indian (home of
that other great Icelandic export, Bjork) last
year. Her current album, "Love In The Time
Of Science", has been well received by the
press and she is now breaking through to
mainstream airplay thanks largely to
garage-style remixing of her most accessi-
ble tracks. Previous single, "Unemployed In
Summertime", was a charmingly care-free
naïve tale of lying back on Primrose Hill and
letting the world get on with it's own ego. group of cocky make up smeared gutter more mouthy, and less
The sound is similar to Bjork's more serene boys were going to revolutionise pop music fat, if they don't chart
offerings, and will certainly please fans of last year. Unfortunately so far they've yet to with their impending
"Debut". Emiliana's latest single is out this deliver - with their last single, "Big Isn't new single the world is
week. Beautiful", landing outside the top 40. It's simply not rock n' roll
been a good warm up though, national anymore!
Sugarcoma tours, magazine features, and extensive air-
Take 4 teenagers, add a bucketful of anger, play have at least placed King Adora in the
pain, and general index fingers in the air atti- indiekid conscious. For those looking for a
tude, and you have Sugarcoma. Jessica "new Manics" they fit the bill, more glam, King Adora
(vocals), Claire (guitar), Heidi (bass), and
James (drums) met at school (and in fact,
are still there finishing their a-levels) on the
wave of nu-metal. Their debut single,
"Blisters", was released late last year on
Velocity records and has so far sold over
2000 copies. Steve Lamacq is a fan, playing
their songs regularly on the Evening
Session and bringing the band in to record
for the show. This is metal music by metal
kids, an example of the audience becoming
the band not seen since Bis transcended
indiepop hell circa 1996. An album is cur-
rently being recorded but has been delayed
by their high profile touring support slots
with the likes of My Ruin.
Venus In Furs
An as yet cruelly overlooked indiepop outfit,
Venus In Furs hail from Darlingon but make
regular trips down to London in a bid to find
a deal. Their MP3 track, "Carnival", sat at
the top of the Clickmusic internet music
chart for over 2 months (and were only
knocked off by Suagrcoma) showing that
hundreds, if not thousands, of people have
downloaded it. Theie latest demo cd has
been played on
the Radio 1
E v e n i n g
Session, and
also by XFM.
The band have
also appeared
in several mag-
azines, includ-
ing the (now
defunct) Melody Venus in Furs
Maker, and MP3
Magazine.
King Adora
If you believed the Melody Maker hype this
25/01/01 Competitions & Millionaire 9

Competitions
Afternoon m’lovelies. Monsieur Lovebite, the huggable sex
machine, is taking a well-earned break from competitions
this week, so you’re stuck with me, The Bird Bums, instead.
WIN 6 FNO TICKETS SOUNDS
First of all to the winners of last week’s competitions. To get you plus five friends on the guest list for Friday We also have a copy of audio, the latest album from fuse,
Congratulations to Louisa Hamlin who wins a batch of Night Out, just complete this sentence in six words or less. to give away. To get your hands on it just answer this ques-
spankin’ new CD’s, including the latest from Jennifer Lopez. The funniest response (according to the ed. board) wins tion:
The answer to her question, which long-running TV program the tickets:
is co-presented by Jayne Middlemas, was of course Top of Who was the youngest member of the Beatles?:
the Pops. Well done too to Nigel Martin who proudly collects Other than Friday Night Out, what could the abbreviation
two reef CD’s plus tickets to their concert in Guildford , for FNO stand for? (and they need to be vaguely printable, George Bush
identifying that the Great Barrier Reef is in Australia. Hmm, please) George Harrison
me thinks Mr. Hickey could do with making these questions George Clooney
a bit harder.

Anyway, what’s up this week?

First correct answer out of the hat wins the CD.

All entries must be in by 6 pm. on Monday. Editor’s deci-

sion is final.
.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire

Hi, quizmaster Lovebite here again, this week two of our finest Ask the Audience 50:50
sportsmen take to the general knowledge field, representing the
£100: a 0% b: 0% c: 100% d: 0% £100: keep c & d
honour of their team. As usual, two lifelines (ask the audience and £200: a: 0% b: 100% c: 0% d: 0% £200: keep b & d
50:50) and if they get the £1000 and £32k questions right, they £300: a: 98% b: 1% c: 0% d: 1% £300: keep a & b
‘win’ at least that. If you want to take part in a future Millionaire £500: a: 7% b:83% c: 6% d: 4% £500: keep b & c
then drop us a line a barefacts@surrey.ac.uk. £1000: a: 11% b: 17% c: 15% d: 57% £1000: keep a & d
£2000: a: 67% b: 30% c: 2% d: 1% £2000: keep a & d
£4000: a: 18% b: 14% c: 10% d: 58% £4000: keep c & d
The Questions: £8000: a: 22% b: 63% c: 11% d: 4% £8000: keep b & c
£16000: a: 54% b: 27% c: 12% d: 7% £16000: keep a & b
£100: Which of the following is a famous card game? £32000: a: 2% b: 22% c: 47% d: 29% £32000: keep c & d
a: Doker b: Noker c: Poker d: Coker £64000: a: 20% b: 17% c: 11% d: 52% £64000: keep b & d
£125,000: a: 31% b: 29% c: 23% d: 17% £125,000: keep a & d
£200: In which month would you find Valentine’s Day? £250,000: a: 52% b: 7% c: 39% d: 2% £250,000: keep a & c
a: January b: February c: March d: April £500,000: a: 27% b: 29% c: 24% d: 20% £500,000: keep b & d
£1,000,000: a: 30% b: 18% c: 24% d: 28% £1,000,000: keep a & b
£300: For which football team does David Beckham play?
a: Manchester United b: Sydney Olympic c: Miami Fire
The Contestants
d: River Plate
Matt Jackson Jeremy Hill
£500: Which of the following was not a James Bond Film?
After deciding to take most of the season off with Up first was footie boy Jez, the rock at the heart of the
a: Goldeneye b: The World is more than Enough
c: You only live Twice d: Never say Never the pathetic excuse of a broken leg, Kempy impenetrable fourth team’s defence. Jez said that having
describes his job as 1st team hockey manager. He got £16,000 on last week’s quiz, he would be happy with
£1000: Who is the current England cricket captain? began by requesting that there were no hockey £32,000 this time and after that he’d gamble. Well, he
questions in the quiz, so as to avoid total embar- started off well managing the first nine questions without
a: Alec Stewart b: Mike Atherton c: Michael Vaughan
d: Nasser Hussain rassment and then added, “General knowledge aint a hitch, then disaster struck with question 10. First Jez
my bag.” Despite admitting to a couple of guesses, asked the audience, but was not happy with their
£2000: The Gallagher brothers are part of which band? Kemp, managed to get to question nine before answer, so he took a 50:50 and was still not happy but
needing a lifeline. He took the audience and went went with the audience anyway. That landed him a guar-
a: Oasis b: Blur c: The Stone Roses d: The Sex Pistols
with their answer. After hearing question 10 and anteed £32k. He then guessed the next two correctly but
muttering a few words not printable in a family had no idea about £250 question so gave up, with the
£4000: Paddington Bear’s favourite type of sandwich was
a: Jam b: Peanut Butter c: Chocolate Spread d: Marmalade newspaper, he took a 50:50 and then worked out best score this semester.
the answer as c, since he knew the Mary Rose
£8000: Hannah Spearritt is a member of which band? sank in 1545 (not certain how he managed to get it £125,000
from that but never mind). Question 11 proved no
a: Steps b: S-Club 7 c: Scooch d: A1
problem and that was where it ended with Kempy
not willing to gamble.
£16000: In which county would you find Welwyn Garden City?
a: Hertfordshire b: Berkshire c: Dorset d: Hampshire
£64,000
£32000: Which English monarch died in the first decade of the
16th century?
a: Henry V b: Henry VI c: Henry VII d: Henry VIII

£64000: Which county cricket team play at the Oval?

a: Worcestershire b: Yorkshire c: Somerset d: Surrey

£125,000: Which of these beetles is usually the biggest in size?

a: Stag Beetle b: Burying Beetle c: Green Tiger Beetle
d: Violet Ground Beetle

£250,000: Habere is the Latin verb meaning

a: to live b: to sleep c: to have d: to hold

£500,000: How many silvers did Great Britain win at the Sydney
Olympics?
a: 9 b: 10 c: 11 d: 12

£1,000,000: How many named satellites does Saturn have?

a: 18 b: 20 c: 22 d: 24
10
Singles
EMINEM - Stan (Aftermath)
Everyone knows this one, even your
gran who complains about how the man
ruins that nice girls singing. It’s a clas-
sic, yes, and everyone is sick to death of
it after hearing it five times a day on the
radio since November. So although this
would have got a 10 last year sheer sat-
uration point forces this down to a more
modest 8/10 A.T.
SPOOKS - Things I’ve Seen (Artemis)
Like the Fugees circa “Ooh la la la”, with
a smooth groove, a soulful female vocal,
and some blokes doing their husslin’ rap
thing. A total kick back of a tune and
definite turn on for a sultry shimmy. 8/10
A.T.
EVERLAST – Black Jesus (Tommy
Boy)
The hip-hopper that gave us “Whitey
Ford Sings The Blues” is back with a
razor sharp single with hefty guitar riffs
and thumping hip-hop beats… a winner!
8/10 O.C.
LSK - THE BIGGEST FOOL (SONY)
This is another power-filled soulful track
from a band that deserve far more wide-
spread recognition than they’re getting
at the moment. Catchy chorus and a
quality vocal throughout. Nice 8/10 M.S.
FATBOY SLIM feat MACY GRAY –
Demons (Skint)
Well, you have all heard this before
haven’t you? Nothing for me to say real-
ly except that this is surely one of the
best singles from the Fatboy’s album
‘Halfway Between The Gutter And The
Stars’: with its soothing piano line, weird
chants and Macy’s distinctive singing,
this is Norman’s production genius at its
finest. 8/10 O.C
Alpine Stars – Interlaken (Faith and
hope records)
Hotly tipped as the best new dance act,
‘Interlaken’ just shows why. Like an Air
with beats ‘Interlaken’ is full of electron-
ic bleeps and blips that would put
Kraftwerk to shame and the listener is
drawn in by an insatiably catchy melody
Album of the Week
SHEA SEGER – The May Street Project (BMG)
If you ever heard Patti Rothberg’s debut album, ‘Between The 1 and 9’, you will
have a good idea of what this sounds like: a mixture of rock, blues and folk.
Beautiful singing, clever, profound lyrics, Shea combines soulful sensitivity with
rhythmic chutzpah. Stand out tracks include the first single ‘Last Time’, the
bluesy fantasy ‘Isn’t It Good’ and the atmospheric ‘I Love You Too Much’. There
is also ‘Wasting The Rain’ a love song that should be and all those cheesy tapes
you make for your loved ones… a great debut. 9/10 O.C
No picture
Music Reviews
that wont let you go. Great song. 8/10
SR
U2 – Stuck In A Moment You Can’t
Get Out Of (Island)
The second single from ‘All That You
Can’t Leave Behind’ is another example
of U2’s never-ending talent for writing
good songs… Other bands who have
been going on for as long as they have
don’t write songs half as good as this
one! 8/10 O.C
PINK - You Make Me Sick (Arista)
Sassy attitude from the nu-feminist
American with pink hair. This one seems
pretty straight forward, there’s this guy,
right, and he makes her sick. Put it with
your Destiny’s Child and other assorted
“men are scum” singles. 7/10 A.T.
SAINT ETIENNE - Boy Is Crying
(Warners)
Like a Macdonalds, Saint Etienne are
reliable if a little formulaic. More looping
drums, synths, and the delicious vocal
of Sarah Cracknell. As good as any-
thing else they’ve done, bar of course
“She’s on the Phone”. 7/10 A.T.
Ash – Shining Light (Infectious
Records)
Ash return to the fray after almost a 2
year break with what can only be
described as Ash back to their best with
shimmering guitar, rock overtones and
all backed by the Irish charm of Tim
Wheelers vocals. Shining light is a sim-
ple love song turned into another Ash
anthem which takes them back to
sounding like their ‘1977’ days. 7/10 SR
ETIENNE DE CRECY - AM I WRONG
(XL)
Am I Wrong is the first single to be taken
from the recently released ‘Tempovision’
album. It is a innovative disco track with
distinct fuses of house and groove. De
Crecy is renowned for his expert pro-
duction and the
single and two B Sides are proof that he
is one of the best and most influential
producers in Europe in the last ten
years. 7/10 M.S.
EMILIANA TORRINI - TO BE FREE
(ONE LITTLE INDIAN)
Emiliana Torrini is a 23 year old half
Icelandic, half Italian chanteuse singer
Single of the Week
LIMP BIZKIT - Rollin’
(Interscope)
Fred Durst is ace, a huge
grown man whining and swear-
ing for “the kidz” with his hard
mates riffing away in the back-
ground. Every 12 year old
wants to be uncle Fred and
now they’ll be looking to joyride
round their middle class suburb
with this blaring from the
speakers. It’s Britney Spears
when she burns her teddies
and declares she wants paint
her room black. It’s tailor made
for GAP when they declare “everyone in baggy pants” (wait, it’ll happen). It’s
absolutely f***king the sh*t (as Mr Limp would say) and just what daytime raido
has needed for a long time. 9/10 A.T.
who has been turning heads across
Europe throughout last year. This single
is in collaboration with Tore Johansson
(of Cardigans fame) and
consequently has a very recognizable
sound. Torrini’s voice is also very simi-
lar to another famous Icelandic singer…
nuff said. 7/10 M.S.
JENNIFER LOPEZ - Love Don’t Cost
A Thing (Epic)
Okay, so it’s very nice to have a full
screen video of this single (comprising
Ms Lopez rolling on a beach and ripping
off some Janet Jackson dance moves)
but the song itself is a tired format.
Some r n’ b beats, a sliding chorus, and
some hideous horns at the end. It’s not
bad, just overkill of a genre in an already
crowded chart. 6/10 A.T.
LIGHTS - Dare To Dream (Sony)
Touted as the next big things in the
alternative scene Sony yet again shoot
wide with a tiresomely trad guitar rock
thing that improbably combines the
worst of Reef and Ocean Colour Scene.
Give them three re-releases over the
next year or so and they might strike
lucky in a Toploader style as being
everyone’s second favourite band. 5/10
A.T.
DUM DUMS - ARMY OF TWO (GOOD
BEHAVIOUR)
This is the fourth single from the guitar
SHEA SEGER – The May Street Project
(BMG)
If you ever heard Patti Rothberg’s debut
album, ‘Between The 1 and 9’, you will
have a good idea of what this sounds
like: a mixture of rock, blues and folk.
Beautiful singing, clever, profound
lyrics, Shea combines soulful sensitivity
with rhythmic chutzpah. Stand out
tracks include the first single ‘Last
Time’, the bluesy fantasy ‘Isn’t It Good’
and the atmospheric ‘I Love You Too
Much’. There is also ‘Wasting The Rain’
a love song that should be and all those
cheesy tapes you make for your loved
ones… a great debut. 9/10 O.C
SCANNERFUNK – Wave Of Light By
Wave Of Light (Sulphur)
A departure from the more abstractly
invigorating experimental work that they
are more usually recognised for, this
album seeks to unite the hip with the
25/01/01
boy-band. It is annoyingly plain and
seems to have stepped back at least
five years into the brit-pop era. Having
said that it will probably be loved by
teenage girls. I predict it will be the
theme tune for a tv drama soap in the
very near future. 5/10 M.S.
JAY-Z – I Just Want To Love You
(Give It To Me) (Mercury)
Quite how this guy manages to get in
the charts is a mystery: his hip-hop is
bland, commercial bull****. However, I
am sure that as with previous releases,
this will be a hit. Sad, very sad. 4/10 O.C
INGE VAN HENDRICK - Shamen
(Unicorn Star)
Possibly the most derivative watered
down lousy attempt at pleasing the
trancefloor this side of Hi-Gate, this is a
shameless souless xerox of a thousand
tunes that have come before. 3/10 A.T.
Alaska J – Pop Idiots (London
Records)
The first thing that springs to mind when
hearing ‘Pop Idiots’ is something like the
pot calling the kettle black because pop
idiots are exactly what Alaska J are.
Riding on the Blink 182 punk pop phe-
nomenon, they combine the attitude of
punk (or to them shouting and load gui-
tars) with pop melodies and they sound
like a Top Shop Sex Pistols with crap
songs. 3/10 SR
Albums
brain. Sculpting a sound that twists
state of the art technology in gloriously
unconventional ways, this C.D ignites
flaring beats with symphonic strings,
fluttering electro rhythms with melan-
cholic minimalism. The future of funk is
here. 8/10 O.C
Turin Brakes – The Optimist LP
(Source)
Whilst rock is supposed to be the big
thing this year, at the other end of the
scale bands are starting to get noticed
what with Badly Drawn Boy and
Coldplay entering the charts recently
and likely to join them soon is Turin
Brakes. The Optimist LP is an album
25/01/01 Music Reviews/ live 11
full of murky despair and anxiety. ern band who are hoping to expand where as the Smut Peddlers know no

However, like a Shakespearean tragedy
at the bottom of it all there is hope as on
‘save me’ Ollie Knight sings “pulling me
out of this mystery making me breath
again” and on ‘The Door’, “there’s a
much better place”. Turin Brakes con-
sist of Ollie Knight and Galle
Paridjanian and together they write
songs with more despair than Thom
Yorke and with more beauty than Jeff
Buckley. This is certainly something
worth being optimistic about. 8/10 SR
SLUDGEFEAST – Rock n’ Roll
(Fuzzbox)
This debut album from these south
Londoners, with its brash, unpolished
sound is a direct take on the likes of
Five, Westlife and all the other shit that
clogs up the charts… The album
sounds like MotorHead in their early
days, with a hint of Stooges: raw ener-
gy, killer distortion and LOUD!. It seems
like they are saying: look here you gab-
bling-rosyfaced-manufactured pile of
shit (Westlife, Britney et al.) learn how
to ROCK! 7/10 O.C
SUCONA - NO EXCUSES (CONVER-
SION STUDIOS)
This is a debut album from a southeast-
their horizons. Their sound is very gui-
tar based with funk influence and
despite good lead vocals the material
doesn’t have much innovation or
potential. I can picture them being a
full-time professional support band.
5/10 M.S.
Yongen - Whispers and
Knives/Moonrise (Igi)
The Japanese music scene has hardly
made much of an impact in Britain and
this debut single from Yongen could
explain why. Whispers and Knives is a
beautifully crafted song creating an
evocative wide screen soundscape.
However, this blend of beauty and
grandiose leaves a feeling of emptiness
with nothing to fill the space. Whispers
are too understated to fill this gap and
will just go by unnoticed perhaps some-
one needs to start shouting. 5/10 SR
The Smut Peddlers – Porn Again
(Beat Wax)
The Smut Peddlers are the hip-hop
equivalent of Alex from ‘A Clockwork
Orange’ as they revel in smut, filth and
ultra violence. However, the big differ-
ence between the Anthony Burgess
character is that Burgess writes with art
poetry and the smut just gets dirtier and
the violence harder. Still its supposed
to be it is hip-hop. 5/10 SR
The Action Time – Versus the world
(Southern Records)
Comprised of 6 members, all of whom
appear to be ex-cons or gambling drug
addicts, which the chances of them al
meeting is pretty slim and by the
sounds of it the chances of them mak-
ing a good album is even less likely.
Made up by Miss CC Rider, Jack
Duvall, E B Rockets, Miss Spent
Youth, S k Sparkles and Rock Action,
The Action Time are a kind of Motown
Sex Pistols. However, this comparison
is probably just an excuse so that they
can get away with not even sounding
like they are in tune. Throughout the
whole of ‘Versus The World’ The Action
Time sound like a cross between a
group of drunk Irish men returning
home from the local after drinking fif-
teen pints of Guinness and a primary
school choir group that cant sing but
just go along to get out of lessons. The
only good moment throughout the
album is when front man Rock Action
leaves the singing to the women on the
beautiful ‘Killing Time’. However every-
Albums
thing is relative and the reason for this
tracks apparent brilliance is probably
due to the standard of the rest of the
album which is poor. 2/10 SR
ANDY SMYTHE - CHANGING SEA-
SONS (DREAMING ELEMENTS)
I’m sorry, I refuse to hold back. THIS IS
DIRE. Utter meaningless, musicless
drivel that a rabid monkey could pro-
duce. His voice tears at my ears like a
pneumatic drill, his lyrics have caused
my friends and I literally hours of
amusement, but also serious pain. My
personal favourite track is ‘the Russians
are coming’. Avoid like the plague. 0/10
M.S.
This weeks reviews brought to you by:
Andrew Thomas, Alex Rajkovic, Simon
Robinson. Matt Southcombe, Oliver
Chamero(There were more but a “techni-
cal fault” prevented their appearance).

Live
Fire Apple Red, Me Against it All and Ollie Impossible
The Peel, Kingston; 20/12/00
I don't know if Belgian punk band Fire Apple Red like playing bottom of
the bill, but they do seem to consistently occupy that position in spite of
the excellent quality of their performances. Tonight they don't let us
down, running through their usual set of punk/ska crossover songs,
mainly revolving around beer. Singer, Tarik deals with a thirteen year old
mohicaned heckler with aplomb, telling him exactly where he can stick
himself to the enjoyment of the crowd.
Me Against It All, having recently secured a major record deal were
something of an unknown quantity, but they proved themselves to be
one of the best punk bands I have seen in a very long time, featuring
tuneful, highly lyrical songs almost reminiscent of the Foo Fighters at
times. The sound they produce is doubly impressive when you consid-
er that their average age is no more than sixteen. Definitely a band to
watch out for in 2001.
Ollie Impossible, on the other hand, do nothing to justify their position at
the top of the bill and simply are not as good as the other two bands.
They are a lowest common denominator thrash punk band who find it
amusing to write songs with profane titles which I would be forbidden to
repeat here in the hope that they will offend someone. Even so, there
rendition of Slade's infamous "Merry Christmas Everyone" was a clas-
sic in it's own right, if only for the benefit of hearing punked up.
Dimestars Beach” will probably be the track that takes them
USSU, 21/01/01 chart bound. Clearly a band in the 80’s styling their
attempt at 70’s disco resembles nothing more than
Kim Wylde clearly invented eighties pop/rock music. unfortunate pastiche. Although, as with many bands,
Always perhaps seen as a manufactured bandwagon you wonder if, in a seriously Y2K stylee, that may
jumper with the likes of Tiffany et al it is only now we have been the point. After all, did you see the espe-
realise she was in fact the original source. What could cially “wacky” grin the bassist had throughout?
lead to such a conclusion? Well, Roxanne, lead Andrew Thomas
singer in Dimestars, is the sister of 80’s pop “sensa-
tion” Kim Wylde. And Dimestars are so gloriously
eighties it must be part of their genetic makeup.
Strutting on in grrrl rock leather trousers, feisty boots,
and her hair yanked up, she’s flanked by a “wacky”
looking bassist wearing Ali-G yellow tint wrap shades,
and a guitarist who could have dropped off the back
of a Dum Dums tour bus. The sound they make con-
jures up memories of girls with big perms and boys
driving their beat up cars around the streets of some
insignificant city in America (the “Kids In America” no
less). Single, XXX, has a chorus so big there’s hard-
ly room for anything else whilst their cover of “Echo

@tomika, IJay, Reuben,

"Jesus Built My Talbot Samba" Christmas Party, The Indignity of a Dinner Plate
West End Centre, Aldershot; 16/12/00 (w.r.t. Uni students) You humans only know to laugh
at the mistakes of others
Local fanzine, "Jesus Built My Talbot Samba" have always been known I may be just a dinner plate When you yourself may well be worse;
for their excentricity, but this evenings "traditional" Christmas Party took that you replace as and when that a pig would be your better!
the biscuit, or more litterally the mince pie. On arrival, gig goers were But while I'm here being used by you
handed a satsuma and told it was "good for them". Added to this, mince I shall make my own stand! Then I heard you'd left for a month
pies littered the tables in the bar area, where a (totally inappropriate) dj
You heartless S.O.B.!
was banging out drum and bass classics. This aside, the West End
Centre is a good little venue, and the sound was nothing but excellent The first day you laid eyes on me You left me here with a pile of others
throughout the night. I knew you'd be no good all unwashed and smelly!
First up were indie stalwarts @tomika, playing their last gig ever. A band You're just the type to come to me
who recieved far more bad press than they ever deserved, they really when your belly yearns for food, I told the creatures that appeared on me
did play this one like it was their final gig and they wanted to go out with and after you've been satisfied these white and greenish beings;
a bang. Playing all the err... non-hits, they wowed an admittedly kindly you'd leave me your remaining goo! to travel quickly through the air
disposed audience with probably the best performance of their career. and infest all your things.
Sounding like an early Manics and 60 Foot Dolls crossover, they fin- Do I look like I would eat the crap
ished with a triumphant rendition of their first single "Dead Flowers".
you always leave on me? Such indignity have I not known
Next up was acoustic reggae artist, IJay, who quite frankly was simply
not that good (and I like reggae...), but still managed to please the crowd Even if I could, I would not want of any other thing;
since most of his songs were about drug abuse, which was obviously your leftover gravy! than this injustice done to me
what they wanted to hear. by a pathetic human being!
Top of the bill were local band Reuben, previously known as Angel. Perhaps you think I would wash myself
Sounding something like the bastard child of Placebo and Bush on heat, if left in the damn sink -bloocow-
they showed themselves to be back on form despite the recent loss of Maybe while others washed their filthy hands In solemn rememberance of dishes left
their original drummer. All in all, a good, well organised night. I could will the tap to water me clean! unwashed. ;-p
by Reuben Thompson
 And the beat
goes on ...
So, what’s in store for
2001? Well for open
ers you will already
have noticed Boy
George will be here
on the 2nd of
February, along with
the perennial
favourite Mark Davis
Rumour has it young
Gareth will be joining
the ranks that night
too. We’ve got a cou
ple of film nights lined
up on Saturdays,
beginning with
Snatch on the 27th
January. On the 10th
we have the original
teen slasher flick, so
long banned by the
censors, the Texas
C h a i n s a w
Massacre.
One of last years
most popular events
returns for a rerun on
the 2nd March, FNO
Fetish Night Pt II, for
rubber phreaks and
BDSM fans. Hip-Hop
and Funk is now a
regular on the events
menu, with Rio et al
making an appear
ance in the HRB most
Thursdays as well as
stealing stones is dangerous... the regular slot in
Chancellors on a
Saturday night.
catch some snatch

saturday 27th Jan 9pm main union free entry

Live Sport on the big screen

Saturday 27th January Sunday 28th

12pm Leeds Vs Liverpool (FA Cup) 4pm Gillingham Vs Chelsea (FA Cup)

Matches Will Be Shown In the Main Union

14
Alive and Kicking
The Melody Maker is dead, Limp Bizkit are on daytime radio,
schoolgirls have thrown away their Topshop mini-dresses and are
stomping around in hooded tops and enormous combat pants. The
alternative has become the mainstream and the mainstream the
alternative. Whilst this may cause untold shrieks of anguish from
the alternative hardcore it does you a lot of good if you happen to be
making loud angry metal tinged punk. Before you were the kids
everyone else stared at and called grungers. Now you are the epit-
ome of cool and you can headline scuzzy London venues and sup-
port some of the biggest names in the alternative rock underground.
You are 17, you have a debut single with Abuse’s “nu metal” off-
shoot Velocity, you are three quarters female, you are Sugarcoma.
I meet Heidi (bass) and James (drums) in the dismal confines of the
Minibar next to Highbury Garage. Claire (Guitar) isn’t here as she’s
looking after Jessica (vocals) because as Heidi puts it, “…she’s
experiencing a lot of pain, she’s having a bit of trouble”. The riggers
of touring, a personal issue, or a stomach bug, I never find out but
do get a chance to speak to her after the gig.
So how did Sugarcoma go from being a band playing their local
pubs to a group capable of supporting My Ruin with a single out on
Velocity? Heidi, “we recorded this really bad demo and had this list
of people to send it to. Abuse was at the top ‘cos it was in aphabet-
ical order, Sid came to see us and it went from there”. The music
press have been really interested in the band since the single
release, what is it that makes you stand out as a band? Heidi, “it
shouldn’t be because of it, but having three girls in the band proba-
bly helped, and being young as well. Girls like to see other girls play-
ing in bands as well”, James, “we get loads of riot grrrl type at our
gigs even though we’re not really that kind of music”.
With the whole scene that’s grown up around bands like Limp Bizkit,
Slipknot, and more saliently Kittie, where do you think you fit in?
Heidi, “it bothers us that we get included in the scene ‘cos we’re not
really nu-netal. You have to be certain things to be nu-metal, I mean,
we’re not very downtuned…”, James cuts in, “and we don’t have a
DJ and we don’t know Fred Durst!”, Heidi concludes, “we’re more,
well people say we’re punk, nothing like Kittie”. Although
Sugarcoma clearly do not want to be lumped in with the nu-metal
scene a quick look at their audience confirms the look, with mini
Slipknots and Dursts doing battle in the mosh pit. Many parents and
Interview 25/01/01
social commentators like to write this all off as non-substantive
“teenage angst”, the question is, are Sugarcoma 4real? Heidi
smiles, “If anything when you’re young you have more, (dramatic
voice) pain!”, James, “It’s about what hurts you personally, people
are all different. If your parents died when you were two then your
idea of pain may be different to that of someone who’s split up with
their boyfriend”. Heidi continues, “the lyrics are a personal thing to
Jessica, she writes them. But then again there’s one song based on
a book she’s read so it’s not always like that. I didn’t know the lyrics
to Milk Fed were about someone with an eating disorder for
ages…”, James adds, “I didn’t realise until someone pointed them
out, we don’t get involved in the lyrics really”.
The lead track on Sugarcoma’s debut single, Blisters, has been sat
in the Clickmusic MP3 chart for months and their website is one of
the best around, what role can the ‘net play in the band? Heidi, “in
the long run it might be that everyone gives their songs away as
MP3s with site advertising paying for it, I like the fact people can
download our songs cos then they sing along at gigs. I guess as far
as the business side goes we distance ourselves from that, we
leave it to other people”, James, “MP3s definitely help with albums
cos I know loads of people who download a few tracks then decide
if to buy them”.
Back in the real world the band have been touring continuously. As
support to My Ruin there must be some good stories. James, “Tarri
B got pushed over in Nottingham and Jessica jumped in and picked
her up, now Tarri is like ‘Jessica saved my life’ all the time!”, Heidi,
“Roy who was in Soulfly is doing the sound for My Ruin and it’s like
‘whoah we’re not worthy’! We still get starstruck”.
With that James and Heidi are called to soundcheck so after the gig,
featuring stage divers and a fearsome metal duet between Jessica something like Milk Fed. We’re not like Limp Bizkit, yes we’re enter-
and Tarri B, I caught hold of Jessica after she’d signed cd covers taining but when I sing my words I mean and feel them. Our songs
pushed at her by a small riot of fans crowding around the backstage are not fake angry shit!”.
door. Lyrically Sugarcoma are not the happiest of people, discuss. “I
write my lyrics to show how I’m feeling, you can write at any age, Sugarcoma, entertaining, real, and a whole lot more than mere
even if it’s shit! If someone wants to say something then they should “teen angst”.
say it, it doesn’t offend anyone, I wrote the lyrics for me, it’s not fake
band stuff or anything. Two nights ago this girls collapsed at our gig
because she was anorexic, you could see her ribs poking through
as they carried her out. That’s the sort of thing that makes me write
16
B ALLON S ELLER
He couldn’t see beyond the tumbling,
watching, waiting, crashed colliding.
Watching was real. But he knew that every-
thing was all right.
The daylight blue, blood red, the hate
and the love. Nothing was still tonight. Sitting
on the bench opposite the tumble drier,
Francis levitated his mind. You can beyond
your eyes when you have time to kill. And
Francis had time to kill.
Somewhere in the confusion a solitary
red tea towel was glamorising Francis’ dress
sense. The tea towel was a troublemaker
and Francis was trouble. His perfect clothes
reflected his love for the abnormal. It was
this that contradicted the rhythmic song in
his head, the switch in balance of the
unheard conversations and the peaceful
humming of those machines. For the laun-
drette was peaceful. And everything, after
all, was all right.
Francis stared until he knew that it was
time to finish staring. He knew that it would
be time to leave when his palms began to
sweat.
Once again Francis was overcome by
the feeling that he had been here before, he
had felt these emotions, ignored these
sounds.
But Francis only felt that he had been
here before because he had been here
before. It was a Saturday after all.
“Turn,” was the simplest way to describe
the movement in front of Francis. Francis
could picture himself thrown against those
dead ends of life. He recognised the pattern
of picking himself up, brushing away the
stress of past experiences, only to be thrown
against the wall again. And then, inevitably,
the time would come when…
The red patches would have been less
obvious to any normal onlooker. But to
Francis they were brighter than the silver
pinnacles under the soles of his own shoes.
Split wide open like a new beginning.
His hands were beginning to sweat. It
was time.
Francis stood up and walked towards the
tumble drier in front of him. He pushed the
stop button, opened the door and began to
unload the contents throwing each item of
clothing into his washing bag.
Once the bag was full, Francis slung it
over his shoulder and walked towards the
door of the laundrette. Once at the door, he
stopped and waited politely as an attractive
pensioner struggled with her shopping. He
did not help her; it would have opened up
the possibility for an interaction. Francis
hated interactions; he hated polite conversa-
tion most especially.
The pensioner’s dark eyes thanked
Francis as she passed him. Francis smiled,
smiling was easy.
“Don’t say another word,” was the state-
ment that met Francis as he stood on the
pavement, attempting to light his cigarette.
“It’s my life,” was the response.
The phrases came from the two girls who
were standing at the bus stop outside the
laundrette. In Francis’ mind the argument
had no meaning. In their minds the impor-
tance was overwhelming, it was something
that he could identify.
Finally the lighter in Francis’ hand pro-
duced a perfect flame. The cigarette was lit
and Francis no longer had any need to listen
to the solving of other people’s problems.
“Tell me what you want to be.”
Francis dreamed of quiet sounds, the
people around him were cattle: Why were
they not speechless? Speech was some-
thing that he liked to avoid. And walking
down the street of his own small world,
avoidance of all things inert was a necessity.
Walking was an effort at times. “One foot
in front of the other,” they had told him at
school. How many muscles were involved?
This was something else that Francis had
learnt. And it was one of the many things
Story
BY
that he had forgotten. What was the point in
learning something that you were soon to
forget? “What I do for myself, I understand
thoroughly,” was the best lesson in educa-
tion. But Francis still did not understand
walking.
Running was different. Francis could
understand running: There was always
something to run from.
Francis imagined himself running while
the world moved slowly passed him. If he
had been running, then the world would
have been a bigger place. If the world had
been a bigger place then there would have
been even more mess.
But Francis was walking, and when you
walk the world is always a big place. And in
a big place there is time to think.
Thinking while you are walking is always
dangerous. There is too much silence, and
too much time to think about the things that
you do not wish to think about.
Like angels and devils. Francis always
knew what he liked to think: Destruction.
Honesty was too powerful and escape was
too seductive.
Francis was oblivious to all that he saw.
All that he saw was nothing, because noth-
ing was there to see.
The unfound was on his mind. The past,
present and future already existed.
Forgetting to breathe was a simple task real-
ly, all that air, the transfusion passing
through him while he continued along the
path obliviously.
He didn’t like to think about dinner,
because dinner was effort. And loneliness:
loneliness was painful. Working was a task,
too much of a task even. But working was
also an occupation, something to occupy the
mind and provide a distraction from fearful
thoughts. The thoughts were governed by
his state of mind, a state of mind that was
becoming increasingly significant to his situ-
ation.
On his last dance Francis would release
all the tension. He would survive because of
his intelligence. Intelligence was something
that could be nurtured. But also, he knew,
intelligence was luck, and luck was what you
were born with, born to.
Crusts and curly hair was a popular
thought. Did crusts really make your hair
curly? What if you wanted to have curly hair?
Would this mean a diet of crusts? Had
Francis’ Mum cut the crusts off her cucum-
ber sandwiches for a reason?
Francis was told never to run down the
stairs when he was a child. He was told that
if he ran too fast then he would break his
legs. Sometimes stairs frightened Francis.
Francis remembered sitting on the bot-
tom of the stairs of his old house, when he
was a child, frantically tying his shoe-laces
together, anticipating the snow-filled streets
of the outside world. He remembered the
sweet that he was eating, chocolate money,
the sort that was always given to you at
Christmas. This was the day when Francis
came closest to his maker. As Francis
remembered the choking, and the pain in his
back and on his sides it brought a smile to
his face. It was a fond memory, that memo-
ry of helplessness.
Even if it is still in your innocence, you
often remember the pain.
Though it is still so confusing, the effects
of those voices are often there to remind
you. And then the memories are boxed up
and shelved, there for the possibility of later
use. Emotions for us are nothing but incom-
plete. They are there to ramble, proceed,
traverse and progress. Take a trip to the
grave. Maybe that is the way that it is sup-
posed to be. That place is in the clouds.
At times you have seen those days so
enjoyed and you will once again understand.
Those visions smell so strong (they take you
back).
Time will tell he supposes…
C HRIS M ORTON
…’Till one day there is nothing more to
hide from.
Just one day in a hundred, you remem-
ber. Those photographs to ease the memo-
ry. The things you make to aid the imagina-
tion, but also to change the reality. The lie is
there to make it better.
Francis remembered the photograph
that his Dad took from the bedroom window.
Where they were all arguing. He was sitting
on his old Grifter; the others all had BMX’s.
He could only half remember the trouble
they used to have, the laughable discus-
sions were laughable to the adults, but to
them they were of greater significance: their
future was at stake.
When Francis was in a good mood he
remembered the bike races, climbing trees
in the woods, the picnic in the bomb shelter,
those walks around the golf course. Star
Wars toys, Action man, the cars that were
revved up for speed. The building sites and
the videos about disasters in these situa-
tions when he was at school.
When Francis was in a bad mood he
remembered the fighting, the dominance,
the feeling that he was worse off than any-
one else. The times when he was locked in
his room.
Francis remembered looking out of the
window of his childhood bedroom. He was
looking at the older kids; they were so free.
As always they were playing out in the street
‘till late. He was overcome with jealousy. He
no longer wanted to be himself. This was his
one wish.
It was raining. The world was changing.
In a metamorphosis of emotion the rain
changed everything. One more time the
promises of a better world were shattered by
the natural progression.
There was one perfect day that had
always been remembered in Francis’ mind.
He had been only twelve years old. He
never used to talk much to the girl next door,
but somehow on that occasion they had
been together. Girls were silly but Francis
was often bored. The day had been perfect,
the sun had shone. They had been given a
picnic, and a swim. That day would never
have happened if it had been raining. The
memory would not be there.
Now Francis slept on the floor. And he
thought of these things. Those days of old
would be there to lie beside him.
In the rain people are more likely to over-
take you when you are walking. The pedes-
trians were and are like traffic.
To escape from the rain a restaurant was
needed. Francis could feel the eyes of each
customer looking straight through him. The
forlorn dignitary sheltering from the outside
world. His confusion was more than obvious.
The oddness and the entertainment of his
situation filled all of their minds. With great
difficulty, Francis managed to order a coffee
and find a table for himself.
Francis had nothing to read, so he con-
centrated on the menu. It was better to look
down and avoid any eye contact. But every
now and again Francis would look up
because he needed to be aware, and slight-
ly on the defensive.
A glance to the left told Francis that the
world was still immersed in water.
A glance to the right told Francis that the
waitress had still failed to come over. Francis
was waiting.
The old man in the corner was sitting by
himself as well. Francis wondered what he
was thinking.
The businessman at the centre of the
café was ordering squash for his daughter.
Francis wondered whether it was a business
lunch.
“Orange, lemon, lime? No?”
Now was the time to negotiate.
“How about orange milk shake?
Strawberry, banana, vanilla?”
“Thank you, very much.”
25/01/01
It no longer mattered to Francis that it
was raining; the warmth felt nice. The water
was squelching in his shoes, but it was noth-
ing but noise.
But as Francis began to recover, a sud-
den uneasiness returned (hunger? thirst?
warmth? caffeine?).
A sense of unreality was overwhelming.
And then the questions returned.
“Your coffee sir.”
“Thank you.”
“And what would you like to eat?”
“What sandwiches do you have?”
“Well, we have…”
There were many sandwiches and
Francis said the first recognisable flavour
that the waitress spoke because it was only
one that he could manage to remember. She
was reading the recipes off a blackboard.
“Um… Chicken and Mayonnaise?”
Eye contact with the waitress was
becoming increasingly difficult. Did this
mean that she had a stronger character than
Francis did? Had she stolen his confidence?
The waitress walked away with the order
while Francis stared through her body
towards her friend at the counter. He noticed
the eye contact between the two of them. He
knew that he was the subject of their enter-
tainment. But the same was true of every-
one.
Francis stared at the sugar packet in
front of him. Did this contain an exact spoon-
full of sugar? What was a spoon-full any-
way? What type of spoon was used to
measure this, a teaspoon maybe? But were
all teaspoons the same?
The businessman was talking to his
daughter. He was telling her that Red-Hill
was called Red-Hill because it was built on a
red hill.
A blue vase was on their table. It was
holding an arrangement of flowers. Why
were they there? And the tea cloth patterns:
These brought back past memories of child-
hood, when Francis was taken to restau-
rants with his parents.
Francis turned his attention to the in-door
tree that grew across from the table that he
was sitting at. It reminded him of a caged
animal. Was it cruel, this restraining of a free
life to an unhealthy environment?
The waitress, with her sixties haircut
returned to Francis’ table with the sandwich
that he had ordered. She placed it in front of
him, lay a knife and fork down on the table
and told him to enjoy his meal. Francis had
been unaware that it was a meal. Was a
knife and fork necessary for a sandwich?
Was this the policy? And what was this salad
on the side of the plate that nobody ate? But
some people ate it, surely. Maybe it was for
a want of better health. Francis didn’t like
salad – lack of taste, lack of anything! Was it
consumed to get one’s moneys worth, and in
this way did it give a satisfaction in a way not
intended?
Francis decided to avoid these questions
by concentrating on the present task of con-
suming the Chicken and Mayonnaise sand-
wich in front of him. Sometimes though, it
was difficult to stop thinking.
Just as Francis finished his sandwich,
the coffee ran out. But there was still some
milk left. Francis drank this because he was
thirsty. If he had run out of milk, but not cof-
fee, would he have been able to ask for
more milk? Was the milk free?
Francis was going mad. He had noticed
the two balloons that were tied to the busi-
nessman’s table. Would he rather be a busi-
nessman or a balloon-seller? Would he
rather have a daughter or a wife? Would he
ever buy a sweet shop? All Francis wanted
to do was buy an ice-cream van and drive
around in the rain selling ice-creams to
those people who were brave enough to…
25/01/01 Websites & OFU 17

Sex, Lies....... WebSites

....& The Camberwell Carrot You like games? Well there are some
good online games around but to try
and keep things short this week I'll
review the sites I've found with JAVA
OH LORDY, but why must I be a thief? And
games and next week I'll look at all the
can it be wrong to steal from people who
sites out there with free shockwave
don't know what they have?
based games.
Such deep philosophical questions are ones
OK just a slight plug but try going here
wholly evaded by this week's OFU film,
for a few nice JAVA games like
"Entrapment". Starring Sean Connery and
Asteroids and Tailgunner…I won't
Catherine Zeta-Douglas, not to mention the
review the site coz a) it's on geocities,
world-famous Ving Rhames, "Entrapment"
and b) it's one of mine ;o)
boasts a top-rate cast, tons of style, and all
http://www.geocities.com/thera_r
the blissful silliness of a classic heist film.
http://www.eyeone.no Register for free
Catherine Zeta-Douglas plays the world's
and then just have a look round,
most voluptuous insurance investigator,
there's a lot more here than just games
investigating the theft of a Rembrandt when
but as it's games we're looking at I
she encounters charismatic chief-suspect,
have to say this has a slightly smaller
Robert "Mac" MacDougal. "Mac" quickly
selection than some of the other sites
ensnares her in typical cad fashion, and the
but they are good, and fast, and easy
two repair to his Scottish castle to plot the
to get to…just one small snag the
theft of a rare mask from an English muse-
invaders game isn't always up and run-
um. Yet the plotting doesn't end there...
ning, they fix it, it breaks, they fix it, it
breaks, they fix it…. 9/10
"Entrapment" is the kind of film Barry Norman
would describe witheringly as a "delicious
http://www.BrainBlitz.com Again a lot
romp", probably while polishing his nails on
more than just games, in fact it's really
his cardigan. Fact remains, however, that
just a great spring board to find the
"Entrapment" is a film with tons of attitude, Entrapment games you want to play no matter
sex appeal, and a thrillingly daft plot, helped
above all, not doing any work. Finally suc- horror serial killer film, Jennifer 8, bowlder- what format they come in. It's well laid
along by the charm of Zeta-Douglas and
cumbing to The Fear one fateful morning, ized by its US studio and stealthily released out, easy to follow and has a nice sim-
Connery. The tension between the two char-
they pile into an antique and decidedly dodgy to die a quiet death. ple nav tool if you want to look around
acters is realised in grand fashion by the two
Jag and head for the hills, hoping to shack up the site more. I also have to say it has
leads, and even cheesy lines like "Never trust
with the redoubtable Uncle Monty (Richard Paul McGann went on to be a Doctor Who. more than one version of Asteroids
a naked woman," do little to dispel it, even if
Griffiths). For a little while. listed…but it doesn't tell you what the
one does suddenly start searching the
games run on you just have to click
screen to see where Roger Moore is hiding.
In mood and atmosphere, "Withnail" strad- "Withnail" retains its classic status and cult and find out. 8/10
OFU shall be showing "Entrapment" at 8pm dles a razor's edge between drunken eupho- following after fourteen years for two reasons
ria and sobered despair, having the courage - one, people just /cannot/ stop quoting lines http://www.brackeen.com/home/scared
on Sunday the 18th of January, in Lecture
and honesty to show us both sides of the from it; and secondly, because it's utterly This is an amazing JAVA game, a
Theatre G.
characters' mottled existence. For this, it magnificent and perfect in every way. doom clone with a difference, only a
seems all the more a magnificent film. few problems with them making it in
University Arts Cinema this week shall be
University Arts Cinema shall be showing JAVA, only one type of weapon and
showing a modern classic. There is simply no
Costing next-to-nothing to make, the after- "Withnail & I" at 8pm on Wednesday one type of bad guy, but if that doesn't
other way to describe the cavalcade of
shock of "Withnail" was extraordinary, mak- the 31st, in Lecture Theatre G. bother you and you enjoy walking
debauchery, insanity and terror that "Withnail
ing Richard E Grant a star overnight and around the halls shooting people this
And I" so vividly brings before our eyes.
reaping considerable dividends for its other James Dibley should be just the thing for you. Just
leads, particularly Ralph Brown. Writer/direc- click on the play more games link and
In "Withnail", the two titular characters are
tor Bruce Robinson went on to suffer a string find some other goodies this guy has
unemployed scumbag thespians (Richard E
of well-made here, all I can say is way to go
Grant and Paul McGann), half-heartedly bat-
flops, including another cult classic, the dark- Dave…9/10
tling addictions to various substances and
http://www.gamehacker.com/georgerh
Some nice games here, the darts
game is annoying, I guess you get
used to it…the pool game is ok a bit
tedious at times but fun anyway and
the game of bully is good once you get
going, especially if you move up the
levels. Only a few games but I did like
bully…6/10

http://www.vandaveer.com Not exactly

the best layout but has some great
JAVA games…try games like cannon,
bunny blaster, pinball…just look
through the arcade plenty of games to
suit anyone's taste. I recommend this
site to anyone with time on their
hands, which basically means I should-
n't even be trying these out there's too
many. 8/10

Final thoughts…well just have a look

round for yourselves…I'm pleased to
say that at least two of the games I
placed on my site I didn't find any-
where else. Hours of free online gam-
ing fun is so easy to get to…but per-
haps best not to get caught using them
on the university computers…

“due to technical faults ie servers

crashing we were not able to obtain
any pictures of these websites” - ed
25/01/01 Adverts 19

Do you know someone

who wants to be flanned?

email:
phantom_flinger@hotmail.com
20 Rag 25/01/01

RAG Human Auction

Jacqui and Michelle look to see who their master will be

Adam Jakeway caught with his trousers down

Monday saw the first night of rag week, and as MacKenzie is shocked that somebody
tradition dictates, the Slave Auction. is actually buying him

Over 150 people turned up to bid for about 15 slaves. The victourious bidders ended up forking out between
£3 for James Buller (who had to wear his underwear outside his trousers) and £37.50 for Socket.
Somewhere in the middle of that was Adam Jakeway who originally went for £15 only for A.J. to walk on
stage and re-open the bidding with AJ bagging Adam for £25 and condemming him to ‘total humiliation’.

Despite the Production Editor managing to get out of it, bf was well represented with James (£3), ed Kev
(£8), dep ed Luke (£15) and marketing team Ali and Ellen (£25). Pres Fi went for £12.50 and has to wash
Shaggy’s clothes (which hasn’t been washed for over a month) and Shaggy himself went for £10 with the
victor getting to shave his hair and beard. Lucy went for £15 and Susi went for £21 after her boyfriend tried
to place a telephone bid, but didn’t think she was worth more than £21.

Overall, about £300 was raised for the RAG charities on a night when more people became aquainted with
the Phantom Flinger.
Hair today, gone tomorrow

Jo gets her come-upance

Kev doing his Marilyn Manson impression When Dan’s old enough, he
might need all that foam to
shave

The Phantom Flinger

Hey there, it’s your ever-loving Phantom again. Sorry I couldn’t make it
to the Auction on Monday but I sent on of my assistants and boy was he a
busy bee. As you can see from the photos, he got six people in all. First
up was the ever-lovely Jo Noblet, over a dozen people wanted her splat-
ted, what have you done to deserve it Jo? Or is it just a bunch of admirers
wanting to lick the cream off of you!! Next was the sex-God that is Baby
Dan from UniSport, he wasn’t meant to get flanned, my assistant was just
a bit too eager and made up too many pies, sorry Dan, I reckon you’re too
good looking to get done.
Third was a real deserving case, Andy Blair, now Blairy has committed Some cruel people
many crimes against humanity, as anybody who has heard him sing will laughing at Dan
testify (only joking babe), also he managed to get away scott-free during
his year as a sabb, so better late than never. Next was another random
one, Pete Chambers, who just happened to be sitting in the wrong place
at the wrong time. Never mind though it is Rag Week after all.
Last but by no means least was the double hit of the gorgeous sailor
boy, Ben Sidders, and the evening’s host Paul Hobra. Unfortunately, it did-
n’t quite go to plan, Ben was hit but Paul managed to overpower my Blairy in all his glory
assistant and got away with it. Oh, well you win some, you lose
some.There is one problem thought Ben, the photos taken of you getting Random Pete gets Splatted
got are not usable, so I might have to get you myself, so that we can put it
in bf.
Before I go, I would like to make it clear that I will personally splat the
deputy editor if he boasts once more that he was sold for more than the
rest of the male bf slaves put together.
Do you wanna see somebody splatted, well drop me a line at phan-
tom_flinger@hotmail.com and remember, the next flan could have your
name on it.
25/01/01
Big Sister
Well Christmas seemed to have its
ups and downs, didn’t it? We had a
complaint from the house-keeper
from Cathedral Court.....how much
noise do you need to make?
Apparently the cleaner was mopping
the floor to the sighs of ecstasy.
I suppose every court has their fair
share of screamers but honestly
Guildford Court girl, can’t you keep
the noise down ‘cos it sounds like he
just stands to attention all the time.
These final year chemists can’t con-
trol themselves can they. You should
be ashamed of yourselves, it sounds
like your doing a biology degree
rather than a chemistry one!
Stag Hill have also seen their fair
share of comings and goings. It’s
great fun watching those girls and
boys climb up the fire escapes and
sneak into the rooms above. You
know who you are!
The little gossips have been out and
Personals
*Not bad at this matchmaking lark am I.
*Libby, why wont you answer me, love Drew.
*See Mr. Sidders, don’t mess with the best
*Who is the Phantom Flinger???????
*Are you RUSSIAN?
If you would be willing to answer a short ques-
3 Reasons to come to Cricket Training on Sunday
1) You can watch trampolining totty perform
2) You can legally injure union security
3) What else do you do early Sunday evenings?
Cricket Training: Sundays 5:30 - 7:30pm Unisport
Contact Mike (ma91mp) or put a note in the pigeon hole for more details
Life, Gossip, & the Universe
about and what a story they came up
with. Last semester chats at the bar
were overheard and there are some
girls out there (the ones with the
pleated hair) who don’t like giving
blow jobs because all the hairs get
stuck in their mouth. Perhaps you’ve
been giving them to the wrong boys!!
Keeping campus boys satisfied is by
no means easy.
Where did that slippery diva Asp go?
It seems she has disappeared off the
face of the earth in a Pied Piper fash-
ion. Come back Asp we need you!!
Friday night proved itself to be fruitful
of gossip, as usual. Blondie midwife
A seemed to receive a LOT of atten-
tion, and most of it unwanted. So
remember lads you can look, but you
can’t always touch.
We’ll look forward to the updates
from the nursing birthday party this
week. Keep us informed.
tionnaire about the Russsian
language then please contact me, Rachel, on
01483 569053. It will help me
out a lot - thanks!
*Anyone fancy a lovebite?
*Wap fone tastic
*Poncy Git
On a serious note, GIRLS, if you
have a boyfriend and decide you
fancy someone else’s....boyfriend
that is, keep your hands to yourself.
We have to do our duty to the com-
munity and report such crimes, so
just remember you have been
warned or we will try to set the phan-
tom flinger on you.
Right that’s your lot, enjoy and any
more titbits can be posted to the
usual address.
Gorgeous_babe69@hotmail.com.
Boa, The missing Asp and Tinky
Winky.
(ed: if you would like us to set the
Phantom flinger on Boa and Asp
please let us know)
*ohhhh! SPARKLE SPARKLE
*DAVE HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR PILLOW
RECENTLY
*GINGER IS GREAT!!!
*Bloody Phantom Flinger
21
LIFE AFTER
THE
WOMB
by Rich W
I’ve been watching a lot of that flashy box-thing that sits in the
corner of the lounge recently. You know, the one that has peo-
ple trapped inside it, but they don’t seem to mind so they just
carry on with what they were doing, unaware that I’m watching
them. Anyway, on this peculiar contraption, there is this thing
called “The Box” - it’s kind of like music television, but you can
choose what songs you want to come on next, and so it’s got
this slogan that goes “Smash Hits You Control”. It’s very addic-
tive. Anyhow, to choose a song, you look for its code, which
comes up at the bottom of the screen and then phone for that
number: it’s really quite simple. The only problem is that some-
times, the entire title of the song won’t fit on the screen, so
there’s that little abbreviatory “...” thing. For example, if you
wanted to hear Savage Garden’s ‘Truly, Madly, Deeply’, it would
come up like this:
Savage Garden - “Truly, Madly...”
(At this point I’d like to mention that should anyone reading this
column want to phone up for a Savage Garden single, then can
I ask them to stop reading; not because my opinion as to
Savage Garden’s credibility as any kind of musical act might
offend them, but also because I’d rather not have fans who like
and admire that ‘band’ liking what I write - the slightly tenuous
possibility of similarity by association is too much).
So, all of this dot-dot-dot business is fine, but occasionally,
there are the odd song titles I’m not too sure of, and it is these
that I would like to share with you, if that’s ok (not that you have
much choice) - would someone write in and correct me if I’m
wrong?
Ronan Keating - “The Way You Make... fajhitas, perhaps?
Maybe he means that lovely cheese sauce I put with my
pasta? Or possibly he likes the way I make my scrambled
eggs? I don’t know.
Bon Jovi - “Thank you for... letting my career go on this long
even though I persevere in having really bad haircuts and
wearing leather that a man my age just shouldn’t be wearing?
Or for letting Aerosmith fade away in a cloud of drug and alco-
hol abuse making everyone think we’re the only people left who
can really rock?
Whitney & Enrique - “Could I... have my ball back please? I
kicked it over the fence by accident and my mum will be really
upset if I don’t get it back.
Bob the Builder - “Can We Fix... it for this old tv celebrity who
runs in marathons and smokes cigars to have his fame back
and become a star again? Or possibly “Can We Fix...all of the
railway lines that still need mending in time for Railtrack to
avoid more hefty pay-outs to aggrieved commuters?
Britney Spears - “Ooops I... forgot to keep my appointment at
the laser eye surgery clinic and so will have to continue living
with this lazy eye I’ve got? Or, more probably, “Ooops I...have
realized the effects I was having on the male population of the
world and so have decided to shed my innocent virgin-like
image and will instead concentrate on my new chosen profes-
sion: Britney Baps- the porn star.
Christina Aguilera -“Come on... (ermm, best not say. She
may mean it in a Gary Glitter, “come on, come on” chanting “be
in my gang” sense. Then again, she may mean it in the other
Gary Glitter sense, so we’ll leave this one, I think)
Baha Men -“Who Let the Dogs... into the Union? (I personal-
ly blame Security)
Jennifer Lopez - “Love Don’t... mean you can shoot some
rapper and expect everything to be alright just because he
comes from a different side to you? Or maybe it doesn’t mean
you can shake yo’ ass like a momma just ‘cus you have the
Latin spirit and a puffa jacket to match?
I’d better stop here, but feel free to have a look yourself - it
really does pass the time when you have nothing better to do.
(Actually, it passes the time when you do have things to do as
well, but don’t tell anyone I said that). A quick hello to Police
Officers Leaving Lovely York, by the way.
22 Lifestyle 25/01/01

Dr Russ
Dear Russ
Why do some employers use tests and
what advice can you give me to improve
my performance?
Dear Kate
Employers use tests because they have
found that interviews don’t always provide
them with all the information they need
about a candidate. For example, if they
want an up to date measure of how good
you are at reasoning with numbers, a test
provides a more accurate measurement
than a question during an interview - how-
ever persuasive your answer!
There are basically two types of test. The
first sort are designed to measure different
aspects of your personality such as your
sociability or your assertiveness. They are
not usually timed and there are no right
answers. It is best to answer these as
honestly as you can rather than by trying to
give answers which you think the employer
wants you to give.
The other kinds of test are timed. They are
known as aptitude tests and are used to
measure your ability in some area. For
example, how good are you at working with
figures, can you recognise patterns, are
you good at reasoning with words, and so
on. The key to doing well is to take full
advantage of the preparation time. When
the instructions are read out, make quite
sure you understand what you are asked to
do. Make the most of this opportunity to
ask questions while you can. Once the
test starts it is out of the question! You’ll
have practice examples to try. Don’t worry
about holding everyone up if you find these
difficult. It is vital you get the gist of what is
required before the real questions start.
Thereafter, try to work - quickly and accu-
rately. Some tests start easily and lull you
into a false sense of security. Don’t be
fooled! They often get more difficult as the
test proceeds and you realise you don’t
have as much time as you thought.
Finally, try to stay calm even if you think
you’ve done badly. Tests only form part of
the selection process and you can aim to
improve your overall performance through
doing well in other exercises.
Russ Clark
Careers Service
PS We run Practice Aptitude Tests
throughout the semester. Please sign up
in Careers if you wish to attend. For more
information on other events, please look at
our website at
www.surrey.ac.uk/Undergrad/Careers/index
.html

MONEY MATTERS AGM’s Tuesday 30th January

1pm Union
TOP TIPS WANTED OFU
OFU
Tues
Tues 30th
30th January
January Union
Union Exec
Exec Committee
Committee
6pm
6pm LTH
LTH
So far this semester the finance team in the Student Advice and Information Thursday 8th February
service have seen about 200 students who have asked for advice and help. 5pm GMR
Womens
Womens Rugby
Rugby
30th
30th January
January
Does this mean that there are several thousand of you out there who are
managing your money really well? 6.30pm,
6.30pm, Union
Union Notices
If managing your money is no problem to you, you must have dreamed up Stage
Stage Crew
Crew Friday
Friday 8th
8th December
December
some good money saving ideas. Monday11th
Monday11th February
February 2001
2001 The Union Cash Desk will be
6pm
6pm Helen
Helen Rose
Rose Bar
Bar open between
PLEASE SHARE THEM WITH EVERYONE 11.00am - 1.00pm
EGM’s
EGM’s
e-mail us on student-advice@surrey.ac.uk and we will arrange to publish the print-
able ones! First
First Aid
Aid Course
Course
Golf
Golf Club
Club Weekends
Weekends of
of 3rd
3rd February
February
Student Advice and Information Service, (SAIS) To
To elect
elect aa new
new commitee
commitee and
and
Wey Flat 2, Surrey Court, Tuesday
Tuesday JanJan 30th
30th 10th
10th February
February 2001.
2001.
6pm,
6pm, Main
Main Union
Union Cost
Cost approx.
approx. £30
£30
Notice from Information Services Contact
Contact Jo
Jo (nm81jp)
(nm81jp) for
for
Hockey
Hockey details
details
Questionnaire: How can the University's computing web. Tuesday
Tuesday 6th
6th February
February
facilities be improved? 6pm
6pm Varsity
Varsity The
The Stag
Stag Hill
Hill Archers
Archers GM
GM
Everyone who completes the questionnaire may will
will take
take place
place Saturday
Saturday
University Computing Services is carrying out its first have their name entered into a prize draw worth £50 Chem
Chem Eng
Eng Soc
Soc 10th
10th Febuary,
Febuary, 10.30am,
10.30am, TB
TB
major survey to find out how satisfied Undergraduate of gift vouchers.
Wednesday
Wednesday 7th
7th Feb
Feb 12B
12B
and Taught Postgraduate students are with current
computing services and facilities and what should be So, Undergraduates and Taught Postgraduates, 1pm
1pm 43BC02
43BC02
done to improve them. Student focus groups have make your views known to help shape University KENWOOD
KENWOOD STEREO
STEREO
already identified some of the key issues and this is Computing Services planning and policy making and Sailing
Sailing Club
Club for
for sale.
sale.
your opportunity to tell us your priorities. to improve computing facilities. Monday/Tuesday
Monday/Tuesday (week
(week 44 Excellent
Excellent condition
condition car
car
tbc)
tbc) stereo
stereo (Kenwood
(Kenwood KRC-
The questionnaire will be live on the web from Sue Telfer LTA
LTA Time
Time TBC
TBC 151LA)
151LA) featuring
featuring cassette
cassette
Monday 22 January. Paper copies will also be avail- Service Quality Librarian player,
player, FM/MW/LW
FM/MW/LW radio radio
able for those who might have difficulty accessing the Information Services
Meetings with
with 18
18 pre-sets,
pre-sets, remov
remov--
able
able front
front panel,
panel, "loud"
"loud"
function,
function, and
and built-in
built-in 44
Ethical
Ethical &
& Environmental
Environmental channel
channel ampamp (20Wx4).
(20Wx4).
Monday
Monday 29th
29th January
January Nice
Nice looking.
looking. Works
Works as as
5pm
5pm GMR
GMR new.
new. Original
Original instruction
instruction
manual.
manual. £55£55 ono.
ono. Tel:
Tel:
Student
Student Council
Council 52542.
52542.
25/01/01
UniSPORT News
Sports Preview
Cricket
Weather permitting, England are
likely to beat Pakistan in the 2 test
series. They will, though, no doubt
struggle to beat what has been
descirbed as the greatest
Australian Test Team of all time.
Domestically, Surrey are
favourites for every single competi-
tion. However central contracts
could cost them Stewart, Thorpe
and possibly Tudor and Ward. The
depleated squad might give
Lancashire or Yorkshire a chance.
Cycling
David Millar should continue the
British tradition started by Chris
Boardman of winning the Prologue
of The Tour de France and holding
onto yellow for a few days. The
only real danger will come from
Lance Armstrong who will win
overall again, through a combina-
tion of nearly unbeatable time trial-
ing, intelligent pack placement and
completely devistating climbing.
The question will be, by how much
will he win and will he get the Giro
as well.
Track honours should be shared
amoungst the British, Germans
and French. with Germany likely to
take the overall lead at the end of
the year.
Football
With Man. Utd virtually having
won their umpteenth Premiership
on the trot, the battle will be for
second place. Arsenal are rightly
favourites but it would be stupid to
completely discount a rejouvinated
Liverpool.
At the other end, Bradford and
two from Coventry, Man. City, and
Derby are likely to be for the drop.
The year ends in a 1 so Spurs
are among the favourites for the
FA Cup but Man Utd appear to be
taking it very seriosuly (having
already booked a hotel for the final
week) and will be the team to beat.
On the internationals front,
whether England qualify will a lot
on whether the new manager will
go with the old guard or the ‘kids’.
Either way though, they face a
tough test to qualify for the Euro
Champs
Rugby Union
Here is a statement, ‘I, Dave
‘Chops’ Chapman, do herby
declare that if England do not win
the six-nations championship, I
Surrey Pride 23
Leap into the Millennium
Yes ‘free’ week is over but there are still many opportunities for you to join in the exercise/dance and sports
programme which compliments the 47 active sports and dance clubs at Surrey.
Places available for:-
Tai Chi (Wednesday Evenings)
Squash Beginners & Improvers (Wednesday Afternoon)
Golf (Thursday Evening)
Body Max (Monday evenings or Thursday Lunchtime)
Dry Skiing (Monday Evenings)
Please register at the Sports Centre to secure a place on these 5 or 10 week courses.
Exercise & Dance Classes
Drop in Free (UniSPORT Card) for any class from TKO (Total Knockout), Legs, Bums & Tums; Aerobics;
Tone to the Bone; Circuit Workouts or simply Stretch!
Lunchtime Classes – 1pm
Monday Tone to the Bone
Tuesday Nordic Walking (meet at Senate)
Tuesday TKO
Wednesday Tone to the Bone
Thursday Legs, Bums & Tums
Thursday Body Max
Friday Tone to the Bone
Community Sports Leadership Award
Please contact ( HYPERLINK “mailto:s.edie@surrey.ac.uk” s.edie@surrey.ac.uk or ext. 3917) if you would
like to participate in this 9 module course taking place on Wednesday evenings from the 7th February.
Intramural Sports
Wednesday Lunchtimes and Wednesday & Sunday Evenings
Contact your departmental Sports Rep to play Frisbee, pop lacrosse, racket ball, indoor cricket, netball,
soccer, touch rugby and badminton.
All starts from Monday 29th January
Fat Busters
Want to lose some pounds after the Christmas Season? If so Fat Busters is for you!
Wednesday 1-2pm at the Sports Centre.
Students
£5 for UniSPORT Card holders or £7.50
£10/£12.50 for staff.
Nutritionist offers advice in friendly session plus exercise that is low impact. See you soon.
will wear my surfing gear to the
union the following week’. Their
only test will be if they get the
Grand Slam, with the ever improv-
ing Ireland their main threat. The
British Lions against South Africa
should be a fascinating affair with
both teams playing great attacking
rugby. I fancy the Lions to snatch
iit 2-1.
Domestically, Northampton will
almost certainly win the league,
with Wasps the most likely runner-
up.
Tennis
Despite very good showings
over the last month, I would be
shocked if either Tim Henman or
Greg Rudeski win Wimbledon (or
any other major for that matter)
over the next 12 months. That
said, if they are both fit, GB have
a great chance of getting back
into the top flight of the Davis
Cup. Although, it should be inter-
esting as to whether it is Rudeski
or Arvind Parmar that line up with
Henamn in the doubles, given the
latest spat between the two
‘greats’.
by Chops and Lovebite
 SURREY PRIDE
S KI C LUB T OUR - I N A WORD ... S PORTS P ROFILE :
LARGE
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): larg·er; larg·est
A RCHERY
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin largus Warm up…
Date: 12th century
Meaning: Exceeding most other things of like kind especially in Name & age: Nadia Khan, 20+
quantity or size.
Example: The 127 people, 3 coaches, £44,715 UniS Ski Club Tour Nickname: Schnarff
to Alpe d’Huez.
The White Stuff Best feature: My draw-length
With the greatest number of beginners ever on the tour the wide
open green (read easy) runs were a welcome sight. However, those What you look for in a man or women: Dependability
of us who ventured up to the top of the mountain, some 3200m in
the clouds, were greeted with a different sight. Perhaps abseiling Availability: Spoken for
ropes would have aided progress on ‘The Tunnel’? Did you do any
of it on your skis Matt?
Thursdays Valley Rally saw skiing, snowboarding, blading, mono- 110%…
skiing and even 3 legged skiing all both forwards and backwards.
Competitors started the rally in 70’s and Hawian attire. But many
Favourite position (this question applies to relevent sports only – no
innuendo intended honestly): Open stance
I don’t wanna Rock DJ. We are
unable to show the end of the pic- Best thing about your sport: It can be taken up at any age
ture....
Worst thing about your sport: (Deputy Editors) Shattering expensive
arrows.
soon realised how bad they looked and
decided nudity was a better option. Are
Best single moment in your sporting life: Breaking my personal best
you sure it was just the cold Wacker? The
while suffering from the flu.
less said about the eggs at the last check-
point the better.
Ultimate sporting dream: To see the Stag Hill Archers win the BUSA
Nationals
Apres Ski
For most, ‘large’ would be better used to
Worst injury: Bruised arm when I forgot to put my bracer on!
describe the evenings entertainment.
Sporting idol: Steve Redgrave.
Some of the skiing masses!
Most embarassing sporting moment: Dropping an exit barrier onto
O’Sharkies, Crowded House, Underground, Roadhouse and the
someone elses bow-stand… Oooops!!
pick of the bunch: Smithy’s. Indeed I would rate Smithy’s 10 shots
of flavoured Vodka for 100Fr with the invention of the lightbulb. Ah
Tip: Always aim at the target.
yes, fond memories. Or not as the case may be, hey Silver?
Bars were invariably followed by Alpe d’Huez’s answer to Cindy’s;
Hidden aspects to your sport: Improves ones night-vision, as you may
Igloo. Igloo was invariably followed Le Kebab. Still confused by the
very well be looking for arrows that have missed the target as the sun
real lamb meat Bungle? Now who’s up for a spot of ice skating?
goes down.
Tedddddyyyyyy….
Sound interesting? This Easter the Ski Club will be joining 2,500+
students from across Britain in Saalbach, Austria. Call Dave on
0795 107 4570 ASAP if you’d like to join us. Cool down…
Finally a special THANK YOU to Rebecca Jackson for making the
tour possible. Worst fear: Shooting myself in the foot.

Tigger Chancellors or Roots: Roots

Proof that alcohol only makes you
Nb. The “dead sexy” caption is not mine - Chops (Sports Ed) think “you’re dead sexy.” You in three words: Sincere, dedicated, stubborn

M OUNTAIN WALKING - BACK FOR MORE

On Saturday a hardy bunch of Mountain Walking Club mem-
bers met up early in the morning to walk off some of the
excess Christmas pounds. Due to some technical difficul-
ties, the walk that was originally planned could not take
place, however an alternate route through Guildford,
Artington and Peasmarsh proved successful. A new nick-
name was developed for Evan, "The Ice-Man" despite his
protests, due to his predilection for 'testing out' the ice on
most of the frozen puddles and ponds we came across.
However, he has yet to beat Mike's feat of actually falling in
whilst testing the ice!
(Lake District trip Jan 2000) It was nice to see a new
member, Tobi, joining us on such a cold morning. If any-
one else is interested, our meetings are on Tuesday
lunchtime, 1pm in the Teaching Block foyer. Next week-
end we are going down to Dorset to sample the country-
side and coastline. If you wish to join us please contact
Maddie or Mike at mountainwalking@surrey.ac.uk.
MM

S PORTING V ERNACULAR
The first of a possible two reports on the Ski Club Tour that took place in the last week of the holidays. Wisking 127 people off to Alpe d’Huez takes quite some doing so thumbs up to all
involved. I will die a happy man if I can manage to get the Surf Clubs “Tropical Surf Trips” to be any where near as popular.
Its also good to have received another couple of Sports Profiles. Thanks to Archery this week, its great to be able to feature a new club (unless we get any new clubs we will be repeat-
ing sports). If possible, include a photo or pop into the office where we can get one done. Keep them coming folks. Remeber if you can get a couple together from the same club we will
run thm together and anounce the winner of the coveted Sports Showdown title.

Chops Almost forgot, the cricket club have started up again, nets are on Sundays 5:30pm till 7:30pm in Unisport. Contact Mike (ma91mp) or Ben Mac for more details.